#genuinely thought i was still dreaming
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this is gonna be one of those things that's like 'where were you when the shourtney wedding pics dropped'
#i just woke up from a nap after my 5am flight and travelling all day#genuinely thought i was still dreaming#fr tho reblog with where you were/what u were doing#shourtney#courtney miller#smosh#shayne topp
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remember my name - mitski
#art#my art#chonny jash#cccc#cccc mind#not described#tumblr murdered the quality in cold blood jesus christ#regardless. your periodic reminder that while i soulpost often i do have a lot of thoughts about all three of them#also fun fact i actually do not remember where i got the association of these lyrics with mind from#i just have an image of an early draft for this thing's composition Seared Into My Brain#and the vague memory of thinking it was genius in the moment#(probably while i was still in bed; either late at night or early in the morning)#so. this is perhaps the closest drawing i've ever made to having genuinely come to me in a dream#i doubt i'd come up with it awake but! well once it was in my brain i had to draw it. obviously.
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Look I like Roger enough, I understand what he represents and I generally don’t think he was a bad dude. I do however think he was shit at interpersonal relationships because, what the fuck. Whitebeards crew is infinitely more well adjusted and I’d say he arguably had the more traumatic death.
Like what even, what kind of planning leads a 53 year old man to sire a child knowing he is dying of an incurable illness and is about to turn himself in to be excuted by the marines where he will cause so much chaos it is literally still turning the world on its head 22 years later. He knew he was going to cause so much of a stir that he literally disbanded his crew and told them to spread far and wide to keep them safe. Because he knew the marines would hunt them far and wide But yet he still brought a baby into the world. Babe. What the fuck? What even is that? What was the thought process. I sincerely hope it was an accident and not a deliberate attempt to bring about a new era.
Because if so babe I need to see the recipe or I’m afraid we can never let you cook again
#even tho that baby was ace and I love ace#it’s the way I don’t think there is a single former member of his crew that we’ve seen that I would say is currently happy#like don’t get me wrong I respect his will he seems like a great dude#but you know what they say about great men they’re often not good men#like definition he burned to bright he couldn’t help but leave all his loved ones in the dust as he burned himself out on a fiery explosion#the absentee father vibes are strong with this one#I would argue that he gave all 3 of his sons complexes#fucking ace has such terrible self worth issues and lived his life waiting to die.#shanks is also trying to drink himself to death is so chill it is literaly hazardous to his health and had his dreams arrested at 15#and Buggy is the worst case of forgotten child syndrome and arrested development that I have ever seen#I wouldn't say someone like Marco is currently happy but you can definetly see a future where he is after the grief settles a little more#but it’s been 22 years and Rayleigh is still drinking himself into a stupor and waiting for the second coming of his captain#gol d roger#portagas d. ace#gol d. roger#roger pirates#whitebeard pirates#throwing thoughts to the void#one piece#op#one piece thoughts#one piece meta#I know people like to paint his as this mastermind that practically orchestrated the current happenings in canon#but I think they forget just how much that would make him a giant asshole. pulling the strings of peoples lives#which is such anthesis to everything we know about him and his resemblance with luffy he’s never try to control his crews lives#especially not from beyond the grave#I genuinely think he planned none of it he was just a man trying his best and falling short in some areas#shanks#silvers rayleigh
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i remember neverrrr being able to wrap my head around the whole topic of cheating being normalized because a genuine committed relationship has always been synonymous with undying love and devotion to me
#even now i still can't get it#like genuinely how is this something that can happen??#though it's prob so foreign to me bc i'm not exposed to that sort of content LOL#but anyway shoutout to my wifeee#webweave on the horizon i think. my period will not let me rest my heart is so FULL and i need an outlet or i will combust#🪽 — tidbits and such ༉‧₊˚.#girlblogging#this is what makes us girls#just girly things#this is a girlblog#just girly thoughts#just girly posts#girlhood#i'm just a girl#hyper feminine#girly things#pinterest girl#it girl#dream girl#femcore#femcel#the female gaze#girl blogger#gaslight gatekeep girlboss#wlw#lesbian#sapphic#girls who like girls#🪽 — the dossier of an angel ༉‧₊˚.
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*throws my mha oc into this account for no reason*
anywayyy i'll probably start posting on this account again soon when i get the motivation (and asks) but yea ^^;
#for lore reasons revolving her she knows about the mha manga cuz she grew up in a world where mha was fictional#i made this oc back in like 2019 so her lore is really self-indulgent lol#atdr miscellaneous#atdr ooc yelling#my hero academia#mha#boku no hero academia#bnha#mha manga#bnha manga#my hero academia manga#boku no hero academia manga#mha oc#mha oc art#bnha oc#bnha oc art#i'm not tagging the long ones for that too long#raisen ai#that's her name lol#mha atdr#i. almost forgot to add that woops#i'm not gonna add the fanart tags cuz it feels weird to add them onto something like this#atdr special guest#new tag for ocs and stuff ig#if you're reading these imma give my quick opinion on the ending#i actually genuinely really liked it and thought it was a good way to end the story#midoriya didn't just “give up���#he still kept chasing his dream in his own way! and then his friends gave him a helping hand and i couldn't be happier with that :D
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okay wait laughingstock concept Incoming: so im imagining some of the neighbors (maybe Julie & Frank) noticing that Barnaby & Howdy are a lil fruity, yk yk. and Julie's like damn, i guess we have to play matchmaker here.
so naturally they wind up getting the whole neighborhood involved. everybody's a wingman here. Poppy's dropping hints when Howdy drops off groceries, Wally is constantly asking Barnaby to go get him things from the bodega, etc etc. Howdy and Barnaby are facing this sudden change in town-wide behavior with slight concern and bemusement
eventually - lets say Julie, Sally, and Wally - get Barnaby into the bodega and then abruptly leave like "don't have too much fun without us you two *wink wink nudge nudge*". once they're gone (read: very obviously hiding outside & watching through the window) Barnaby & Howdy turn to each other like:
Barnaby: you think we should tell them we're already married?
Howdy: let them have their fun - they'll figure it out eventually
#dont have the mental fortitude to Draw This but i still wanted to share the thought#'but how would no one notice that theyre literally married'#easy: theyre very relaxed and secure in their relationship. also howdy has a strict 'no pda at work' rule#also because its funny. we can stretch rationality for the Bit cmon now#through the power of the bit Anything is possible#and we all know the neighbors are Peak Sillies so. yk#it strikes me that once they get Bored of the constant 'matchmaking'#barnaby and howdy stage this whole thing where they 'confess' to each other So dramatically and So publicly#they make it an Event#sally is swooning from the drama and spectacle of it all. wally is trying to paint the moment as fast as possible#julie is so excited she's close to passing out. eddie is crying. so is poppy. frank is taking the credit. home is just happy to be there#as soon as barnaby and howdy retreat out of sight they burst out laughing for a solid ten minutes#GAH THE BRAINROT THE BRAINROT#laughingstock#wailing and sobbing they are so so good together and FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON#i cant even put it into words they just Fit! like puzzle pieces!#theres something so natural about em. i look at them and its like. they Would be perfect for each other huh#i already know theyd have such a healthy wholesome relationship They Just Work. Theyre The Dream Couple#howdy says the most confusing sentence ever said. barnaby nods along with genuine love in his eyes. etc. you get it#now watch! canon is gonna absolutely set this on fire!#which would be Fun. painful. but Fun. seriously tho im curious as to how/if barnaby and howdy will interact/develop....#i mean personally i love it when shit gets messy so i hope it Hurts So Bad or at least Goes Downhill#i hope its a rollercoaster on all accounts
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can someone just take Mike's twitter account away from him already. i'm so fucking tired.
like dude just shut the fuck up.
Anyway. I vote we just ignore him forever actually and we do whatever we want with canon now. These two don't deserve it. And no I'm not just talking about this incident.
There's more. [x]
LOTS MORE. [x]
#hugging all the POC in this fandom so much right now#mike is the fucking worst.#the books are canon because We Say So now. i'm yanking canon away from them.#i no longer hold any respect for either Mike or themeatly so.#like genuinely fuck you two.#the poc in this fandom are some of the most beautiful and kind human beings on this planet#and i hate that you guys are getting so fucking wronged here#like i'm gay and hearing that joey wasn't written with queerness in mind#but that adrienne thought we could give that to him was... something. not great but *something.*#but then this shit happened. now i guess joey isnt even queer.#but that does hurt less than the entire color of someone's fucking SKIN getting changed and then DOUBLED DOWN ON#when it is SO clear that Norman was black-coded#like even if it was an accident you still added that coding. you could have just embraced it but nope!#why is it so important that norman is white anyway? mike?#if it's so important then i guess 'speaking through their actions' is a load of all bullshit isnt it#cuz at least headcanons were ALLOWED back then. guess not anymore!#fuck you mike fuck you so much.#batim#dctl#bendy and the ink machine#dreams come to life#norman polk
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really longwinded fuckass trans oc essay
despite being trans myself i don't really think any of my trans characters actually satisfyingly explore the trans experience to me, which is fine because a trans character can just Exist, but also i do wish i had more characters who's lives and identities are affected by being trans. because my experience so far is that being transgender has affected me in a way where i feel proud to wear the label on my lapel because i've come this far. but i find that in most of my trans ocs' stories, being transgender is either a: destigmatized and/or b: not a problem (hormones and medical transition readily available, taken care of). there's that line between "do i really want to write transphobia into a world where everyone can just be happy?" and "i want a character that's had one of the genuine modern trans experiences" (i say one of and not "the" because there is no The Trans Experience).
then theres project moon world. where gender is and isn't important because gendered bodies and traits do exist, it's literally just the names that are subverted. but (at least as far as i personally know, i dont know anything beyond lobcorp, half of ruina, and everything up to like the lab half of yi sang's canto) we don't actually see or hear any discussion of gender or gender issues, or anything implying that a gender inequality or trans people even exist. which is fine i guess. not the main focus when people are turning into giant monsters and killing each other with giant swords. but it makes it hard to picture any sort of modern experience and relationship with gender in that world that'd match up with anything we relate to. body modification is a commodity and normalized there. you can get surgery to transfer your body into a robot body as long as your brain is intact. you can replace your head now. top and bottom surgery is ancient news, that's just normal. you can replace your head with a triangle now. do people still come out of the closet? does gender even come into play with sexuality anymore? does anyone give a fuck when people are turning into monsters and shit? it sounds like a nice world, where you don't have to constantly be on defense because someone might kill you for being a little too queer, but it also makes it really hard to visualize anything you can relate to without it seeming a little old-fashioned or silly for it to even exist
in my salem world buggy / skuggy being trans was me slapping it on them because i was trans and i wanted to connect with my ocs. i honestly havent revisited them in a while so i forgot a lot but i tried to work it into their stories but mostly ended up thinking longer on it for skuggy as kind of just him crawling out of a bad home situation and him being able to transition finally being his foot down on earth away from that old life. like shedding a shell into a new one. yeah things still suck and i'm heading for a town that's going to kill me, but i finally am on t and i can start saving up for top surgery. but after that point in his life it fades to the background and it's just normal. i think my salem folks are the closest ill get to being able to explore a genuine transgender experience
farrow is weird because the entirety of his life he's been kind of accustomed to playing this certain role and sticking with it, and losing himself in the tough guy facade of uncaring manipulative loner that he just becomes it and doesn't see another way until he's literally killed for being a prick and reduced to a speck that can't hold that facade anymore after being put into his place. as a child he was androgynous and didn't care about it but was still a boy. but the moment he's forced to stop revolving his life around the sole purpose of survival (in fact probably now the opposite) and has to be forced to face what actually lies beneath that facade he's implanted into himself , that nonbinary elephant in the room suddenly gets very very big and loud and he's forced to stare it straight down. i explored his very disorienting confused tiptoes into gender expression and identity mostly in private because i got shy being anything less than funniejokes about my ocs, but it was really just "i think i might be nonbinary but i have a job so i cant think abt that rn" "oh shit im unemployed im fighting these fucking demons" "why did being called this term awaken something in me" "oh god help me". i think i explored and pushed it the absolute most in band au where it's the most similar to modern day reality and just got to make him a little thing. but it's kind of the same thing where while i did get to explore his gender presentation and his thoughts on it and how other people close to him reacted to it or affirm it it i don't ttthink it has a lot of bearing on his character. which is fine i guess. i dont know how i feel about characters who's entire basis is being trans. but i guess that is literally just how it is irl being a stigmatized group you are just Defined by it bc it affects Everything In Your Gd Life. idk where im going with this
idk the thing that prompted this is just thinking about my lobcorp ocs because it is so. HARD. to relate to any of their trans experiences or write anything resembling a modern trans experience with them. they live in a hyperdeveloped future, why Wouldn't they have access to hrt and gender affirming surgeries. why Would it have any bearing on them what gender they are, they have to go die in a Nest or smtng tomorrow. i think a lot about eva and griffin and even like myukeu or roger/mags. i'm trying to go back and think about how it might've been for eva growing up but the most i can think is that he probably just stayed in the closet until he built up the courage and his parents were just "oh okay cool i guess. maybe you wont be limited by the glass ceiling now. finish your damn homework" like just such a anticlimatic end. (but even that response implies any sort of gender imbalance or acknowledgement of gender in this world and honestly, with all the women taking leadership and even mastermind roles in this world there is no way that's anything close to canon. also i dont want to write in fuckin misogyny. but thats the thing in a modern au His Parents Would Fucking THink Like That his identity gender and all takes a backseat to his Purpose. but its hard to write that when Everyone Is Just Like That with gender). like yeah i can write this character juggling work and arranging pharmacy prescriptions and fitting in a daily t shot into his routine and having to recover after top surgery but once he's socially transitioned even if he doesn't pass it doesn't have a bearing or effect on him because It Doesn't Matter Here You're An Employee All The Same. his identity is an afterthought in the corporation. the only time it comes up is when he befriends other trans people and has that "oh hey" feeling of solidarity or when years down the line he's getting freaky with julian and has to explain no an abnormality did not scar me those are surgery scars. im trans. and then it's fine
idk this is a very looseform ramble because in the end i don't know what my actual thoughts are. i guess i yearn for just a mundane trans experience. which is why i'm so drawn to band au / modern aus of any kind because it lets me write these people being Very Mundane Normal People. sure writing them in doomed time loops and turning into giant monsters and harnessing powers beyond comprehension is fun but also i really like writing mundane shit even if its boring to read. why do you think i spamdraw post-lobcorp so much. theyre normal. anyways time to brainrot more over band au than the actual canon
also if there have been any mentions/discussions of gender in projmoon games i would 100% be down to read an analysis or whatever. this isnt a projmoon haterpost believe it or not it's just me thrashing within the nonexistent box i've put myself in.
i like mundane modern trans characters. i like trans characters that look like people i would meet irl and just Exist the way we do irl. i dont care if there is no transphobia in the world i just need to see them being mildly inconvenienced by having to do advanced aerobics to take off their binder or experience gender euphoria after wearing a tank top and jeans. i wanna see them having a sleepover and getting their nails painted for the first time and just going "oh my god i can actually be pretty thats just something i can do". idk. i think i just want to write more trans joy into my stories it's just hard when there's a more prevalent ongoing plot going on (hell timeloop and melting away of identity)
#genuinely think farrow is like. the oc ive put the most Genuine Gender Thoughts into since like. dixie from opaldew. insane#skuggy and buggys gender doesn't really stand out as much to them or isnt really a source of experimentation and expression after they've#settled into their own skin i guess. they celebrate pride and do find community but it's more like Yea im trans whateva. woohoo#while farrow is just constantly fucking with it. constantly learning more shit about himself. dying his hair a different color 20 times#gender is a playground to that guy. its more like skugbug's case in like. his dnd world i guess#but even then in his 80's campaign half his plot involves an identity crisis where he realizes he cant keep pretending to be the cool#cishet jock of his dreams because thats just not who he is lol#idk. fucked up. i found a lot of joy just drawing band au eva and griffin chilling together after syncing their hrt day together#also for a long time i strayed away from drawing them pre-transition but honestly its healing.#i don't like referring to my pre-transition self as dead or anything she's still a part of me and i was her. so the feeling transfers#idk tl;dr ooga booga transgender experiences important to me. thank u trans people for having trans ocs
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On today's episode of Holy Shit My Childhood Was Not Normal:
Kurtis Conner being thrown off by the girls'/boys' bibles with the random "Dream Girl" and "Grossology" passages and shit like that in them
#I didn't have that exact one but I had a girls' bible with the lil dream girl passages in them#mine was purple and green#There was a specific one I read over and over because it was about thinking about your best friend#and I thought about my best friend that way#except it wasn't actually in a friend way I flat out just had a crush on them lol#I later went on to id as a lesbian and that specific story made helped me realize it#so maybe that bible was good for something#I'm now a lil bi boy who might be ace but still#Im 21 now actually Im a Man in the U.S. /j#it's just#always so funny watching people remind me that I grew up Not Normally#like I genuinely got so into reading those lil bible dream girl passages#but I also preferred the gross out shit of the boys' one#cause I was one of those cartoon network poop fart joke funny tweenagers#I loved gaming stunts and all things gross or whatever#I wasn't allowed to actually do that because I was a lil lady so I enjoy it now#I tell people I'm going to shit their pants if they don't leave me alone and think I'm the funniest human alive#anyways go watch kurtis's new video about gendered products it's good#ex christian#religious trauma
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just skipped to the miss power special so I could understand a lot better what people were talking about… let me tell you lives were CHANGED.
#THE TWO BRAINS MOMENTS WERE SOO GOOD#I love how he was done w her shit since moment one#that attitude is ALLL stevens#tb only broke down the moment that cheese was mentioned#but that was probably squeaky getting desperate#his scene were SO STEVEN CODED#he’s literally trying to lecture wg im not ok…………#THE MENTOR IS STILL INSIDE OF HIM#sorry for rambling abt my blorbo so much#CHUCK IS A FRICKING RESELLER I GASPED WHEN HE SAID THAT#I almost cried when wg exploded at him TT#Tobeys look when he’s getting insulted by wg :(((( his dreams were shattered right there and then#AND THE BUTCHER MAN HIS REACTION MADE MY HEART HURT#miss power only insulting the most thoughtful villians is just soo…….. :((((#also wg in her villain era let’s go#im not saying the villians deserved it…. buuuuut#im glad she got to seriously snap at least ONCE#lastly SALLY??? TEAMING UP W THE VILLAINS?????#THAT WAS SO COOL#the im here to trade wife for all this stuff. I mean trade all this stuff for my wife.. I am very nervous…..#THAT BIT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD#ok back to two brains#I was pausing every single time he appeared on screen#his reactions were INMACULATE#I love thinking that in the prison cell he was genuinely disappointed in wg#the look he gives when mentioning her made me so sad :(((#and this fits so well into one of my headcanons that I don’t have time to explain#THE LOOKS OF PURE HATRED AND CONFUSION HE GIVES TO MISS POWER… ok I ran out of tags I talked too much#wordgirl#ramble
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100 days since a brand crossed Markiplier
29/8/23
(Be careful when reading the tags if you're sensitive to, albeit glancing, references to sexual assault/grooming)
#markiplier#someone made a joke about resetting because Mark didn't win a gamer streamy the other night#I skipped watching the award show because I knew Dream would be involved and I refuse to interact with anything that gives him a platform#but when I looked up who beat Markiplier in that category my unease grew#like obviously I'm not going to bring mcyt drama to a markiplier blog#but god it makes me so uncomfortable that a groomer who is 100% unremorseful about his actions was allowed to be a nominee#let alone *win* when genuinely good people who work hard on their channels were in the same category#anyway that's all I'll say about it because this is supposed to be a fun little fandom based sideblog#however I have been on the fence this evening about whether to genuinely go#'fuck the streamys for letting Dream have a chance to win let alone actually walk away with an award'#I'm still undecided and need to check how the winner was picked (I think public vote but wanna be sure)#I'm just mad and disgusted and completely uneasy#either way I wanted to quickly get my thoughts out but now I've delayed the post by 20 minutes by typing so sorry and here you go
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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2#hsr spoilers#hsr leaks#the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am#i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before#but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one#so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days#it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me#but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and#gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it#and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story#not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know#but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game#anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream#pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we#i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see-#-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!)#i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!?#they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing#Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it#and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet#also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good#Seven.txt#viddy game stuff
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trembling in my boots at the prospect of being able to tell you guys about [redacted] project like it's not even art but you best believe I'll be posting about it on every single blog i have if it comes to fruition
#not art#sorry to be a tease about it but lakdfjhgsfgksjahsdfkjashldfkjhasdlgfas#got a really auspicious email this morning#we're coming closer to the possibility of this being real#and i'm hardly able to contain myself#i won't know for some time to be fair and even if it gets the thumbs up it'll be a while still before it's like#available#but i genuinely never thought this would get this far and i'm coming face to face right now with the fact#that the dream i've had since i was like 8 years old might be coming true#like let this be your sign never to give up on a dream#might be a platitude but in this case i'm all in on it#idk if i'm going to sleep tonight lmaooooooo going to be checking my email a million times a day until i hear back#i would say more specifics but i don't want to jinx it#i'm running on luck as it is#ok i love you goodbye
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"He had a racist mod!"
You're so right! That is a valid complaint! As an indigenous man, that would hurt too if i watched his content. Tell me, why didn't I hear about Dream giving George a Trump flag for Christmas from you? Wasn't that one of the largest dt events since it was the first holiday spent as a group? Just curious.
#Quackity doesnt care!!!!#btw the point of this is mfs being like when dream. actively doesnt give a damn#and hasnt learned#listen again#idk shit about this#but yall are so comfortable going after a non white man#that yall cant even see yall are being racist!!!!!#if this was enough to get yall to stop watching quackity thats fine#and valid#but why are yall still making dream content then? why does he get a pass? or just a 'oh thats bad' shrug it off#yall white folk feel so entitled to our mistakes and our friendship#its depressing!!!#revolving thoughts#sorry muts#genuinely this is just#like as a latino mexican#i cant even begin to explain#dream critical#plz tag this if you dont wanna hear anymore about it. its just badshit to me#dream mention#racism tw
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me every time i remember we're getting married
#he mentioned the ring again today so im not gonna be normal for a bit#auaauauauuauaua husband and wiiiiife :D im gonna be his wiiiiiiife and hes gonna be my husbaaaand#im so glad things are going well in my life rn but even if they werent i would probably still feel amazing bc im marrying this fuckin guy!!!#ever since the beginning its felt like we're meant to be together and now we're actually going to be Together#i try not to talk about him at all times even though i want to cause i dont want to be annoying(i.e. i hope jakey dies) but like#he genuinely is such a wonderful person and hes so kind and protective with the people he loves#hes so smart and has a lot of passion in the things he does and hes always trying to be better despite how shit things have been lately#i love this man more than i thought was ever possible and he loves me just the same. he's for real my dream come true#and now hes saving up to get me a ring 😭 im the luckiest girl alive bc HOWWW did i find him HERE of all places#:))))))))) my nyquil triple strength gummies are probably about to kick in so im gonna leave it here and go to bed#but augh i love him so much its so crazy to me that he exists and hes mine and im his. everything is worth it bc i have him
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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