#like i still feel like the Blight being their immune system acting up when the Elves stroke them down to create Foci
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icharchivist · 4 days ago
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still thinking about how one of the first da4 trailer had a Titan waking up and trying to figure out at which point in development was it decided that ALL the Titans being made Tranquils were just like dead and therefore their time is over, despite also The Descent implying that a whole in the Veil stirred a sleeping titan and Cole saying "[the titans] want to wake up but they can't" in Trespasser.
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Like, maybe it's my bias talking and I'm willing to admit that but I don't think the fate of the Titans was completely overlooked in Solas' original plan. I just think that once DA4 took the approach of "let the past go and focus on the present" the Titans had to be wrapped up, and since we never actually talk about Solas' motivations in game, it's left unclear whether Solas wanted to do something for the people he created Tranquility on -- but the original draft seems to imply that something was supposed to happen.
#yeah i saw a post -- which i don't think is a bad one if you only take da4 to the word#but like that's my problem with da4 right? you shouldn't take it to the word#originally i think ALL the titans weren't made tranquil and it's the Veil that blocked them for good#like i still feel like the Blight being their immune system acting up when the Elves stroke them down to create Foci#(and by extention being made tranquil tho i thought they died then) is far more interesting than it being severed dreams#and i also think not ALL of the titans were made such. I felt like dead one = blighted. others made tranquils. others asleep bc of the Veil#that it may be the difference between da2's blighted Thaig and a clean Titan like in the Descent#(after all the Blighted Titan being where we find the Idol Solas used for it)#(it makes sense to me that it's like THIS titan actually was cut down. But others weren't)#(and it's why Profane and Sha-Brytol are different despite the lore (aka eating lyrium once the stone went silent) being the same)#but like those are all theories right? I know this is just something i can accept the L on.#but i feel like the titan waking up in the first tailer#+ Sandal prophecy being about how 'everything will be back like they were'#that the Titans were meant to be healed -- or at least the nontranquil one to wake up with the fall of the Veil#but somewhere in da4 development they scrapped the possible return of the titans#and therefore just makes Solas even worse as a person to not address at all their situation#buti'm a solas stan so i know it can be bc im more sympathetic to him i expect he'd want to fix it#... but i genuinely think the descent+trespasser+This shot in the trailer#implies the direction with the titans was supposed to go wayyy differently#speaking of original draft the artbook had different endings into it#but they all ended with Solas making himself tranquil to appease the blight and solidify the Veil#which is worse than binding him imo but i do think there was this idea of commupence#on punishing him for the tranquility he created by making him so#so i don't think the Titans were overlooked in the first drafts. something happened.#ALSO in Harding's quest she says Titans' fall was the BIRTH of dwarves and dwarves are the fragments of the Titans#but in the artbook it's clear dwarves were here BEFORE as a hivemind for the titan#and the prev games hint to that too. So i also think it's a retcon to make it more sympathetic to say 'the time of the titans is over'#ichatalks about da#ichablogging davg#ichasalty
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agentsokka · 7 years ago
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Davekat Fic Recs [P2]
Continuation of my Davekat fic rec list from ye old 2016. An absolute metric shit ton of Damn Good Fics™ have dropped since then, and it’s criminal I haven’t updated that original list in so long. 
As per usual with these things, you won’t find much luck here with smut content. Some stories feature scenes, but for the most part, the fics themselves aren’t exclusively about such.
Cheers!
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[Oneshots]
English is Full of Really Shitty Metaphors: You knew you probably shouldn't stay on a planet mostly inhabited by trolls once you finished your adult pupation and your blood color became more apparent. You also knew that you should learn a couple of other languages so that your weren't floundering around like an idiot when you eventually did move. Talking to random aliens on the internet seemed like a really good way to practice.
Fatalistic Humor, or, Jokes to Make Post-Mortem: ‘Head over heels’ is an appropriate turn of phrase because falling in love is exactly like throwing yourself down an endless staircase of inconvenient emotion.
i’m at the combination dunkin donuts & urgent care: Karkat Vantas is convinced beyond a doubt that his neighbor is some variety of murderer, until they actually meet in person. Highlights include blood at the laundromat, Dave's weird obsession with candles, and a box of shitty swords.
In Which a Loser is Sick: IN WHICH A LOSER IS SICK AND TRIES TO DENY IT, A TROLL IS ALSO A LOSER AND TRIES TO DENY IT, PISSING PANTS IS DISCUSSED IN THE SAME LINE OF CONVERSATION AS CALMING DOWN, VRISKA IS MENTIONED BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE IS, SOUP IS MADE AND SUBSEQUENTLY IGNORED, AND AN ACT OF AFFECTION IS REPAID BY THE WEAKENING OF AN IMMUNE SYSTEM. Dave gets sick and Karkat takes care of him.
Pretty Friggin’ MATRIMONIAL: Karkat is planning the proposal to end all proposals, but a clueless Dave has plans of his own.
Rumination: Dave and Karkat do some thinking, talking, kissing, and cuddling. Not necessarily in that order.
Self Sabotage and Other Symptoms of a Damaged Soul: Ok so everyone knows Dave and Dirk had a long amazing talk that presumably ended with Dave asking him for advice on the Being Not Straight stuff. My problem is, Dave also spent three years with his gloriously gay twin sister on a fucking space rock while he was right in the middle of coming to terms with all this stuff. So I wrote this mostly to reconcile the gap I think exists there, with a bunch of other Dave centric stuff thrown in with it.
Shitty Punchlines are the Purest Form of Self-Deprecation: Laying somewhere solidly post-credits and wondering, when do we start feeling like winners? Or is that not part of the package? Where's our fucking GameFAQs guide to navigating these stupid first steps into an eternity processing whatever the FUCK just happened, here? Going through that door was supposed to fix everything. Wasn't it? What's it going to take to fix ourselves?
Sleepwalk: Dave has unfortunate nocturnal habits. Karkat handles them better than anyone might've expected.
Start at the Beginning: Don't stop until eternity. And even then. (Davekat, meteor to can land to earth c and on. Happy anniversary.)
Sweatertown - Population: Two: Dave's cape gets hijacked, but Karkat knows what to do about it.
Tested: Dave and Karkat want to escape Aperture Science Laboratories.
That Cultural Divide: “Dave,” says Karkat neutrally, “why are they beating him up?” And your mouth runs dry.
Valentine’s Day: Valentine's Day through the three years on the meteor.
What to do When Your Boyfriend is Too Hot: Moving to a new universe and a new paradigm brings a lot of changes. And Dave kind of likes the way things were before, back on the Meteor, when he had Karkat all to himself and didn't spend sleepless nights waiting for the shoe to fall.
[Multichap]
About a Time I Failed: A doomed timeline AU. Instead of trolling John, Karkat finds himself scrolling through Dave's entire timeline. He is horrified by what he finds, and ends up in a pseudo-friendship with somewhat reluctant Dave. The story spans the rest of this timeline- Dave and Karkat's budding internet romance, the beta kids becoming friends, the start of SBURB, and, eventually, all of them realizing that Dave and Karkat's diversion from the Alpha Timeline has doomed them all. [Incomplete]
And it’s a Downward Spiral from There: One day, the whole world is going to acknowledge you as that one guy who finally made contact with aliens, but if you had known that getting drunk was going to lead up to abduction, a potential probing, and becoming the worst cult sacrifice this side of the galaxy, you probably would have just stayed at home. [Ongoing]
Astronomy in Reverse: Dave and Karkat are intergalactic pen pals, originally paired together for an extra credit school outreach project. Now, three years of correspondence later, they're best friends... and Karkat is finally immigrating to Earth. [Ongoing]
Breathe: Your name is Dave Strider, and there's nothing good about John and Rose changing schools. Without your twin sister and best friend, you've been left socially crippled at school, and barely coping at home. You're nearly certain that your mental health has been slowly spiraling downhill. You have no clue how you'll last the year to high school graduation. In all this, there's just one single ray of light. Your name is Dave Strider, and there's nothing good about John and Rose changing schools. Except for meeting Karkat Vantas. [Ongoing]
**The Calm is Terrifying When the Storm is All You’ve Known**: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist. Slow burn, shifting perspectives; romance really isn't the focus here but it'll still play a significant part; extra content warnings will be posted with each relevant chapter. [Ongoing] [y’all I’m serious read it it’ll water your crops and clear your chakras it’s Good Shit]
cold desert: Curiosity killed the cat. It probably just wasn't as good at being nosy as Dave is. [Ongoing]
Demon Eyes: In which Dave goes in to kill a demon for his bro, and things...don't exactly go as planned. [Ongoing]
Doc Scratch’s School for Supernaturally Gifted Adolescents: One minute you get a mysterious message from a man who types all in white like a jackass, and then the next thing you know you're being whisked away to a mystical school for kids with superpowers. If you weren't Dave fucking Strider, this sort of thing might bother you. [Ongoing]
Fortuitous: Dave and Karkat build a pillow fort and an unexpected chain of events occurs. [Ongoing]
If I Lose Everything in the Fire: The Kaiju - or Horrorterrors, as the trolls call them - first invaded Earth through a transdimensional rift at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Serving the Condesce in her quest to add Earth to the Alternian Empire, these monsters have terrorized humanity for twelve years. With the help of rebel troll factions and the adaptation of Alternian mind integration technology - The Drift - the Interspecies Defense Program has fought back as the last line of defense between the Kaiju and Earth. Karkat Vantas was a Jaeger pilot, fought for freedom in the Assault on the Breach that brought trolls to Earth. The loss of his co-pilot left him bitter and full of rage, but desperate times have lead to him being recruited to join the fray once more. Dave Strider is the best and brightest the Interspec program has to offer. Jaeger Restoration Project Head, highest simulation score on record, and younger brother of the Deputy Marshal - except he's not allowed in a Jaeger. Nobody expects them to be Drift Compatible. [Ongoing]
i'm sick of the things i do when i'm nervous: Two idiots poke at recovery with a stick. [Complete]
IN WHICH TWO SETS OF HUMAN BROTHERLY BONDS ARE ESTABLISHED, SEVERAL CORRUPT INSTITUTIONS OF MORALITY ARE IDEOLOGICALY DEMOLISHED, A DOG WITCH USES GOD POWERS TO MESS WITH EXQUISTELY CAREFULLY PLANNED INFRASTRUCTURE PLANS FOR SOME TREES LIKE A JACKASS--: --APPROXIMATELY A BILLION FUCKING CONSORTS AND CHESS PEOPLE, ALONG WITH A LOT OF USELESS GOD MODED LAYABOUTS ARE LEAD TO SUCCESSFUL COLONIZATION AND ESTABLISHMENT BY A SUCCESSFUL AND COMPASSIONATE LEADER, AND LONG-SUNDERED SOULMATES TORN APART BY FEAR AND DEVASTATING, MIND-BOGGLING STUPIDITY ARE REUNITED AT LAST BY A WISE, COMPASSIONATE BOSS / GUIDANCE FIGURE AND HIS LOYAL, EFFICIENT RIGHT-HAND MAN. THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE CRYING SCENES, TWO KISSES, AND OVER TEN TOTAL MINUTES OF REAL-TIME DESCRIPTION OF LONGING GAZES AND TENDER HUGS. 2 RESOUNDING ENDORSEMENTS OF BELOVED MUNICIPAL OFFICIALS. PRIMERS ON HUMAN/TROLL INTERSPECIES ROMANCE. THIS TEXT IS SUGGESTED SCHOOLFEEDING MATERIAL FOR ALL REASONABLY GROWN HATCHLINGS GAZING OUT ON THE BLIGHTED WASTELAND OF THEIR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS, WISHING THEY WERE DEAD, AND DESPERATELY YEARNING SOMEONE WOULD CLUE THEM IN ON JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. RATED 8(17)+ AND UP. [Complete]
M.C. Escher that's My Favorite MC [It’s the End of the World as We Know It]: Dirk has a plan, when he's 18 he's going to take Dave and get him the fuck out of their terrible lives and start over. Until then being the barrier between Dave and Bro is his only job, his soulmate is just going to have to wait goddamnit. Dave has a plan, it involves getting internet famous and not going gay, easy right? Karkat also has a plan, to repeatedly track down his dumb as rocks soulmate and get him to actually talk to him for fuck's sake. [Ongoing]
Midnight’s Son: Dave Strider's father, a prominent detective, is tasked with infiltrating the Midnight Crew. Dave, worried about his father's safety, decides to do a little undercover work of his own and tries to befriend the boss's son, Karkat Vantas. [Complete]
Nothing Risked, Nothing Lost: Try as he might, Dave remembered nothing from the first four years of his life. There were three signs of imminent upheaval. First, the King of Derse disappeared without a trace. Second, the Queen of Prospit dropped dead. The third sign was the return of long-lost royalty. Not like any of this was Dave's concern. Not the war between Prospit and Derse, not the horrorterrors of the Furthest Ring, not the failings of some dumb monarchs. He was a nobody. Not like Rose, a bona fide Seer of Light. He wasn't sure why she wanted them to go to Derse, but he followed her, anyway. Like he always did. [Hiatus]
Off Court: Your name is Dave Strider, and a hospital wasn’t the setting you had imagined when you thought of seeing your twin again. Your name is Karkat Vantas, and having Terezi drag you around her weird human legislacerator training probably wasn’t the worst way you could spend the rest of your sweeps. And then you meet him. [Ongoing]
Palisades, Palisades: In your memories, you see Dave Strider, fourteen-years-old and made up of lean muscle and awkward limbs that he would still need a few years to grow into fully. Crows surround him, all cawing impatiently, vying for the chicken sandwich in his backpack. He swears loudly as he swings a stick at them, trying to get them to leave him the fuck alone. “Stupid feathery assholes,” he’d always complain once he finally shooed them away. You tear yourself out of the memory. You miss him, and you hate yourself for it. [Complete]
The Red Thing: The first time you ever realised there was something wrong with you, you were two sweeps old. You still remember it like it was just yesterday. You were at the playground in your then-community, which you had long since moved from. You’d been playing ‘tag’ with some of the other young trolls, but had tripped and scraped your knees. One of the other troll’s custodial guardians had noticed what had happened, and wandered over to make sure you were alright. You don’t think you’ll ever forget the look on her face when she picked you up and saw the mutant-red seeping through the knees of your pants. Things spiraled downhill quickly after that. You’d never quite understood what was happening when you were young, but you’d known that you’d become an outcast. Other trolls around you started to avoid you. Sometimes they’d throw things at you – food, stones, anything that might hurt you. Other times, they’d call you names – mistake, mutant, freak. You preferred when they tried to hurt you. At least then you could fight back. [Ongoing]
space cowboy disaster zone: Your name is Karkat Vantas, and these nights you eke out a quiet living on Antoren-3, helping around the Caltira Inn or scavenging out in the rust plains. It’s a simple life, and the only excitement you get for the most part is from the stories of other scavengers, a handful of bar fights, and the occasional salvageable wreck. Fresh wrecks, you’ve only seen a handful of times, and when John spots the telltale streak of light from a distant crash in the middle of a rust storm, you’re eager to get first dibs on whatever it might contain, the elements be damned. You don’t expect a survivor. [Ongoing]
Stepping Stones: A series of vignettes concerning the evolution of the relationship between Karkat Vantas and Dave Strider. Or, the troll title: IN WHICH DAVE AND KARKAT DISCUSS THE VARIOUS DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HUMAN AND TROLL GENITALS, THERE IS AN AWKWARD CONFESSION OF EMOTIONS, DAVE AND DIRK FINISH THEIR CONVERSATION ON THE ROOFTOP, DAVE GETS SOME ADVICE FROM A FEW OF THE LADIES IN HIS LIFE, AND THERE IS A SMUTTY EPILOGUE. [Complete]
The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Dave was silent. YES. YOU. The voice answered him before he even had a chance to speak up and voice his confusion or curiosity with a lack of delicacy only a child was capable of. It had a harsh way of speaking, brash enough to be rude and so loud the sound of his voice practically echoed off his skull. In it he could feel the rich, crimson flow of blood, the drip, drip, of molten lava degrading stone so ancient not even the gods of old would have lived to see it form. A being so old, so vast, that even to speak his name would grant one with immeasurable power. It made him shudder, little hands clenching into fists against rough stone. HUMAN CHILD. In which Dave is alone and Dragons exist. Shenanigans ensue. [Ongoing]
Stow Away: Calm and collected, that's Dave Strider. The docking station around him is chaotic and loud but he is like ice, cool and clear. None of that is true of course, but nobody is looking closely enough to notice the way his hands shake and his eyes dart around underneath the opaque plastic of his vintage sunglasses. Dave Strider sneaks on board an Alternian ship in an attempt to flee his shitty situation on Earth. This is the first of many questionable decisions. [Complete]
Time Displacement: Side A: After the events of the game, Dave wakes up in a universe that is familiarly unfamiliar. Sburb didn't happen, all their guardians are alive, and Bro is...different. [Ongoing]
Transcend: Dave doesn't get troll romance, but that's okay because Karkat is bad at it anyway. A journey through all four quadrants and a bit more. [Complete]
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lavalampelfchild · 8 years ago
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20 and 23 for your Warden Babies?
Alright!  I finallydid this!  Honestly, this took so longbecause I was trying to figure out how the heck my characters would react togetting sick once they were in the Wardens. I’m sorry for the delay!  So here we go!
20. their reaction to a mystery love letter  (See, this one is potentially hilarious,because it entirely depends on what the love letter says; like is it sappy andover the top?  Is it serious andunderstated?  Assuming it’s genuineeither way, I think there might be different reactions depending on the mannerof expression.)
Ila: Ilaremembered once teasing Shianni for being the recipient of a visiting elf’saffections when they were young.  Hewould leave little notes in places Shianni often visited, and Shianni wouldgroan and tear them up and declare that she “wasn’t that kind of girl!”  Meanwhile Ila would smile and shake her head,amused by the whole thing.  She neverwould have guessed that one day it would be her on the receiving end of such aletter.  In truth, she was flattered butultimately unmoved.  She wasn’t lookingfor that kind of romantic attachment, and didn’t feel ready for itbesides.  Not after everything that hadhappened in the alienage, at Ostagar, and every place else since.  
The one thing she feared, though, was that it had beenwritten by one of her companions and was a genuine expression of theirfeelings, in which case she would have to disappoint them because she had noromantic feelings for any of her companions. But the last thing she wanted to do was hurt anyone.
She ended up keeping the letter, but ignored it, hoping thatperhaps avoiding the acknowledgement of its existence might gently dissuade heradmirer from further pursuing her.
Tristan: “Whatthe hell is this for?  Wiping my ass?”  It was… sweet?  He supposed? A little more like those over-dramatic nobles back in Orzammar for histaste, always sending love notes to each other about how much they “burned whenthey were apart” or whatever the sodding hell. The words were poetic and nice, but Tristan preferred things to besimple.  There was meaning in the simple,and those love letters were all about being fancy and complicated.  
Tristan ended up keeping the letter, however, and though henever figured out who sent it (or really cared to find out), he came toappreciate it even in its somewhat extravagant (by his standards) expression.  He did give it to Zevran for a dramaticreading once while he was drunk, though.
Aja: She blushedimmediately and intensely upon reading the mystery letter’s contents.  She really shouldn’t have done this aroundthe campfire, but it was warm, everyone was there, and she hadn’t expected thenote to be something so… personal.  Herlips turned up into a small unconscious smile and she pressed the note to herlap, her gaze resting on her knees as she tried not to look over at Alistair.
Did he…?  Was he theone who…?  Aja spent the entirety of thatevening before going to bed obsessively going over the language in the letterand analyzing the penmanship to try and find any hint as to the sender, andhoping that it might be one person in particular…
She kept the letter, and tucked it away safely amongst herthings, guarding it as closely as if she were still in the Circle and likely tolose any personal effects to the templars. It became something she would occasionally pull out and read to herselfon quiet evenings, and even weeks after first receiving it, she still felt aswell of warmth in her chest whenever she looked at it.
Gundhram: Gundhramhad never been on the receiving end of a love letter in Orzammar because he’dnever been particularly interested in conducting that kind of torridaffair.  Oh, he’d heard about themplenty, and often commiserated with peers who were agonizing over whether ornot their lady love would accept their humble poetic offerings.  But for his own part, Gundhram had beencontent with less romantic attachments.
Unfortunately for whomever had penned the letter, Gundhramwas ultimately… indifferent to it.  As ameans of fostering a romantic relationship, it was a failure, as Gundhram hadneither the time nor the interest in engaging in the elaborate dance ofcourtship.  Gundhram nevertheless keptthe note, however, oddly soothed by it, though he never responded to it.  The sentiment in and of itself was…heartening, and it gave Gundhram a measure of contentment to know that suchsentiment could still exist in a Blight-ridden world, and even amongst thegrizzled and world-weary Grey Wardens.
Velyn: Velyn didnot trust this odd letter.  It wasclearly written by a shem (there was no way Ila was behind it, Velyn wasn’tstupid), and that alone was cause for concern. As soon as he read the letter one time, Velyn put it down and nevertouched it, though he didn’t let it out of his sight for fear that it might…do… something.  It made him nervous.  He didn’t know who’d written it, what if itwas laced with poison that became an airborne toxin after a certain amount oftime, or was enchanted to explode if he looked at it one time too many?
Worse still was the possibility that one of his fellows hadwritten it.  If that were true, then it had to be a joke.  There was no way any of them would havewritten a love letter to him, of allthe Wardens, and meant it.  
The poor love letter ended up alone and unappreciated inVelyn’s pack for a time until he rediscovered it and promptly cast it into afire with a grimace of distaste.  Theshemlens’ idea of love was odd.
Gazza (not a Warden,but why not): Gazza initially had some difficulty in believing the letterwas real.  Someone had written a loveletter to her?  Gazza blinked and read the letter over asecond time.  It was… beautifully writtenand composed, like one of the old poems her mother had always enjoyed.  But… who had written it?  Gazza’s eyes subtly scanned each of hercompanions in turn.  Immediately, sheknew who it wasn’t, and scratchedthem from her mental list.  In her mindshe went through a checklist, and crossed even more names from it as she went.  Really, there was only one person she couldthink of who was even remotely likely of being the culprit.
The letter was kept safe in Gazza’s personal belongings,tucked away with important objects belonging to her family, as Gazza tried to beladylike and appealing whenever Leliana was nearby, tried fluttering hereyelashes the way Leliana did so effortlessly, tried smiling a bit more to drawLeliana’s attention.  It was awkward andembarrassing, and Gazza was never completely sure if it was working, butthankfully she was stubborn, and if she turned out to be right about theletter, then the rewards would far outweigh the discomforts.
23. how they act when they’re sick: This one I’m doing in adifferent format than the previous one because I couldn’t think up tiny blurbsfor each of them that encompassed how they would behave for illnesses in allsituations.
Ila: If it was somethingrelatively small and manageable on her own, Ila would attempt to self-medicate,and would almost certainly play it down. For the more serious illnesses, she would still probably try to downplayit because she doesn’t want to slow the group down.  If worst comes to worse, however, and thegroup needed to stop to allow her rest and time to recover, she would give inwith minimal fuss because she knows that pushing herself past her limits is asurefire way to make things worse.
Tristan: Tristanactually rarely ever gets sick.  He’squite hardy, but when he does succumb to some sort of illness, he ignoresit.  He doesn’t even try to medicatehimself, he just pretends there’s nothing wrong with his body.  Beraht never allowed him to take a day whenhe was ill, and he was the only example of an “employer” that Tristan ever had,so he took his cue from his time in the Carta. He expects the same rules to apply to the Wardens, and is surprised whenthe group slows down and insists he rest to allow himself time to recoverbecause, to him, there’s nothing wrong enough with him to warrant that kind oftreatment.
Aja: She getsembarrassed.  Almost always, wheneverdealing with an illness, Aja will first attempt to heal it herself, preferablywithout anyone knowing about it.  If thatdoesn’t work, then she’ll try to hide it, pretending that everything’s fineuntil the illness finally causes her to collapse (and it most likely will,given her isolated upbringing in the controlled environment of the Circle; herimmune system isn’t the best).  When thathappens, she’ll sulk about having failed to heal the illness, and then needingto be babied (as she believes it to be) as she recovers.
Gundhram: LikeTristan, Gundhram has rarely ever gotten sick since becoming an adult, and alsolike Tristan, Gundhram will most likely ignore any illness he experiencesunless it becomes impossible to ignore its effects on his body.  Eminently practical, Gundhram knows thatignoring illness when it progresses to a certain point is only damaging.  That being said, he also believes thereshould be a way to continue moving forward while also allowing oneself toheal.  And Gundhram has very differentideas from most about what “allowing oneself to heal” really means; very often,it’ll just mean walking at a slower pace and drinking/eating more of a certainsubstance.  Very rarely does it meanstopping to rest, and whenever anyone might suggest that, all they’ll get fromGundhram is a firm “It’s fine.”
Velyn: Velynovercompensates when he’s ill.  As awarrior of the Dalish who prides himself on his skill and ability in combat orwhen hunting, Velyn always prefers his body to be in peak condition.  And he hates weakness; an illness would be aperfect physical manifestation of weakness in his mind.  So he would downplay it at first to keep theothers from finding out, but if it got to the point where he couldn’t do thatanymore, then it would just become a battle of wills between Velyn and theillness.  It wouldn’t matter what anyoneelse said, Velyn would still keep pushing against the symptoms the illnesscaused; he would push himself beyond what he normally pushed himself to solelybecause he wanted to prove that the “weakness” of his illness couldn’t winagainst him.  And then eventually, itwould get to him, and he would collapse, and would need an equally stubbornpersonality to make sure he stayed still and got the rest he actually needed.
Gazza: LikeVelyn, Gazza is stubborn, and used to hiding what she sees as her defects.  But in Gazza’s case, she had a family ofpersistent and stubborn people, all of whom cared about her, who oftentag-teamed her if they found out that she was ill and trying to hide it.  Fergus was often the worst, and he would rather out to their parents, which would lead to mother hen-ing from her mother,and stern looks of disapproval and concern from her father.  From those experiences, Gazza had learned toallow herself to be cared for, and though it still irks her and stings herpride a bit to submit herself to that kind of care – especially coming fromsomeone with whom she wasn’t very familiar – she knew that it was ultimatelythe best way to conquer the illness and get her back to fighting form.
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laularlau8 · 8 years ago
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‘Success couldn’t fix our insecurity’: Gillian Anderson and best friend Jennifer Nadel on why they’ve written a ‘manual for life’
Who do you turn to when you’re struggling to cope? After counselling each other when the going got tough, Gillian Anderson and her close friend Jennifer Nadel have written a tried-and-tested ‘manual for life’ on the issues that affect us all
Ten years ago, Gillian Anderson met Jennifer Nadel, a neighbour in West London’s Notting Hill, and, sensing a kindred spirit, made that classic mummy mistake of thinking how lovely it would be if their children could be friends. They arranged to meet at a local café, where Gillian’s 12-year-old daughter Piper and Jennifer’s 13-year-old son Jack sat in stony silence. ‘They just didn’t get along,’ laughs Gillian. ‘We took a stroll through Hyde Park and they shuffled along, saying absolutely nothing. It was hideous.’‘But we ended up being friends, which was the blessing,’ says Jennifer. Gillian nods in agreement as she sips coffee.
The star of The X-Files and The Fall has turned up to the YOU photo shoot in tight-fitting black jeans and dizzying stilettos, looking immaculate even though she is about to go into hair and make-up. For the first few minutes she’s glued to her phone, sending anxious texts. The premiere of her new film, Viceroy’s House (a drama set during the partition of India, which opens on Friday), has changed, ‘so I’m trying to work out how to get my kids home from swimming’. Jennifer arrives late to many hugs and greetings in a big, curly wool jacket, colourful necklace and chunky rings.
From their first conversation – one that has never really finished – Gillian and Jennifer realised they had a huge amount in common. Not just a shared sense of humour, but also of having dealt with pretty much everything life could throw at them: a fractured childhood, broken relationships, being a single parent, serious illness in the family, money worries, depression, anxiety and a creeping sense of insecurity that seemed impossible to shake off.
They became each another’s go-to adviser when things got tough.Now they have distilled their thoughts and experiences into a manual for life. We: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere might sound grandiose, but it is a practical guide to getting to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and learning to cope in a world that sometimes seems overwhelming, even if you are beautiful and successful. ‘This book doesn’t come from lofty heights,’ as they say in the introduction. ‘It comes from two friends who have stumbled along together, trying, failing, crying, laughing, learning and trying again.’ 
It seems incredible that two such able and successful women could feel so unsure of themselves, but no one is immune to stress and anxiety. Gillian, 48, says she suffered daily panic attacks when she first became famous as FBI Special Agent Dana Scully in The X-Files. Jennifer, 54, suffered a breakdown – ‘a glorious, full-blown burnout’ – when she was home affairs editor at ITN. From the outside, both had enviable lives but ‘no amount of external success could fix the way we felt inside…it made us feel guilty that even with the gifts and luck we’d been given we couldn’t make life work’.
Their recipe for finding peace of mind includes reflection, meditation and self-examination – looking at where your problems come from and how to fix them, without resorting to alcohol, drugs, work, food or abusive relationships, as they have done at times: ‘You name it, we tried it,’ they write.
Between them, they have clocked up many hours of therapy and distilled the best of what they have learnt into nine ‘principles’: honesty, acceptance, kindness, courage, trust, peace, humility, love and joy. Their aim is to get women working through the principles not just as individuals, but in groups that will use their new-found strength to campaign against injustice and create a more compassionate world.
‘It’s about women coming together to share troubles and joys without feeling we are in competition,’ says Gillian. ‘There are so many fundamental things we have in common. Who isn’t horrified by rising suicide rates among teenagers, the degree of self-harm and the impact social media is having on women of all ages?’
Gillian’s daughter Piper, now 22, is ‘quite grounded’, she says, but that’s partly due to luck. ‘There are times when I’ve gone waxing on about something or other and times when I’ve just let her be. She’s very self-aware, reflective and honest, so the good stuff must have had some impact, although I’m sure there’s plenty of negative stuff that’s been passed down as well.’
By contrast, both her and Jennifer’s early years were blighted by depression and anxiety. Jennifer first had therapy aged 15: ‘I beat you, I was 14!’ chips in Gillian.  Jennifer grew up in an eccentric, alcoholic household in the English countryside with a very young mother and a reclusive, academic father. The house was divided into a children��s half and an adults’ half, and visits between the two were regulated.
Gillian’s upbringing was more conventional, but perhaps moving around unsettled her: she was born in Chicago, but her parents soon moved to Puerto Rico, then London – where they stayed until she was 11 – before settling in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Aged 13, she ceased to be an only child when her brother Aaron was born (he had neurofibromatosis, a congenital condition that causes tumours to grow on the nervous system), followed by a sister, Zoe.
Gillian says there was ‘a lot of stuff to deal with’ in her childhood. She went off the rails, became a punk, dyed her hair, experimented with drugs and was voted ‘girl most likely to be arrested’ by her classmates – and actually was arrested and charged with trespass on the night of her graduation for trying to break into her school. ‘There was a point where it was highly recommended that I see a therapist because I was struggling in school. I guess that was the beginning of self-reflection and looking at behaviour patterns and historical stuff.’
Gillian’s father, who ran a film production company, tried to persuade her away from acting, or to at least learn word processing (her mother was a computer programmer), so she could earn money in the down times. ‘Good advice, but I didn’t listen,’ she says. 
Instead Gillian moved to New York and worked as a waitress between theatre roles until she was cast in The X-Files, aged 24. She thought it would run for 13 episodes. Instead, it dominated the next ten years of her life. She met her first husband, Piper’s father Clyde Klotz, on set (he was assistant art director).
Having therapy as a teenager helped Gillian cope with fame, but she still felt overwhelmed at times. ‘There were occasions during that series when I wasn’t sure whether I could go on. I started having panic attacks on a daily basis while we were shooting, around the time Piper was born. It was a mixture of not having dealt with childhood problems, the work being intensive, living in the spotlight and the expectation on me, as well as not knowing how to get balance or properly take care of myself. The panic attacks forced me to start practising meditation, just to eke out a tiny bit of space for myself, and that made it possible to continue.’ Gillian and Clyde divorced after three years (she later said she had been too young and has encouraged her daughter to travel and ‘make the most of her life’ before getting seriously involved with a man), and she was briefly married to Julian Ozanne, a filmmaker. She then fell in love with Mark Griffiths, a businessman, with whom she has two sons, Oscar, ten, and Felix, eight.
Despite achieving fame on both sides of the Atlantic, she remained insecure: ‘For years I was very self-centred and focused on my body, my weight, and it caused so much sadness. That really moves me now, just how much of my younger life I missed out on because I was so focused on my thighs or my outfit; it was such a waste of time.’
Obsessing about appearance is part of the career she chose, Gillian concedes, ‘but it’s becoming the world we all operate in because of social media. Facebook and Instagram have made all women focus on how they look and how they’re represented.’Jennifer agrees: ‘If we get a knock in life we rationalise it by telling ourselves we’re not good enough or pretty enough, and that’s a form of self-harm. You wouldn’t talk to your child or someone you love like that and yet that’s how we talk to ourselves, almost automatically.’
Jennifer, who is on her second marriage and has three sons (Jack, 23, Theo, 21, and Arlo, seven), channelled her teenage woes into academic success: she trained as a barrister, then swapped to journalism, spending five years as a senior correspondent at ITN.
Television was almost as demanding as acting in terms of appearance and long hours. ‘I felt obliged to don the uniform – power suit and heels – that my editor and the industry expected. I felt trapped. One morning I woke up and realised I couldn’t go on. I called the news desk and said I was very sorry but I couldn’t come in – not that day and, as it turned out, not ever.’ Jennifer was diagnosed with severe depression which dogged her for the next ten years. ‘I never thought I would work again.’
Motherhood brought its own pressures, especially for Gillian, who finds the noise and chaos of young boys unbearable at times. Maybe other mothers have ‘tougher nerve endings’, she says. She does the ‘right thing’ and gets down to play Lego but ‘my kids can sense it’s not easy for me. I struggled when Piper was little as well. I remember getting restless and feeling this pressure that I should be doing something else, but when I was doing something else feeling this pressure that I should be with my child. It’s that constant tug of war…and I don’t think I’m alone with that. I try to be tolerant and patient. How I am in the house depends on my time of the month: I’m either embracing of the noise or it’s nails on a chalk board. But they know that it’s just Mum. There’s an acceptance and a lovingness.’
There are 12 years between Piper and Oscar, so Gillian’s daughter was an only child for almost as long as she was. ‘I don’t think anything is accidental in life. It wasn’t on purpose but it’s ironic,’ she says.Is there some advantage to having a spell as an only child? ‘I’m not so sure. It was really important to me that Oscar had [another] sibling because Piper felt like an only child, Oscar’s dad was an only child and I didn’t want to repeat that with Oscar. So his relationship with his brother is something new to me. I’ve never observed similar-age sibling relationships before and it’s really fascinating and beautiful. 'Independence-wise being an only child is good, but there are traits that I have seen in other only children: being quite selfish, not really wanting to share. It’s taken a long time for me to push the boundaries of those and be less controlling, less protective of my world and my space.
Relationships with men have been no easier. Jennifer had a ‘horrible’ divorce from her first husband, which was ‘incredibly messy and painful and took many years to recover from, although looking back I can see how it led to transformation. I had to learn to love in the face of anger.’Gillian saw a pattern with her partners: ‘I’d meet someone, instantly fall in love and spend every waking hour with them, but stopped doing the things I enjoyed doing, stopped taking care of myself. I adopted their interests, friends, music, tastes…before long I’d start to resent them, even though it was me who actively let myself go.’
After six years together, she and Mark split up (they didn’t marry) and she has used some of the experience of her dealings with her ex in her book. ‘A spiritual adviser encouraged me to start thinking of [him] as my “beloved”, that regardless of our separateness we will be raising two children together for the rest of our lives and that makes him one of the most important people in my life, whether I like it or not. As you can imagine, this is not easy, but the times I am able to communicate with him from a place of love and appreciation rather than resentment, or as he says “againstness”, the more my perception shifts.
Gillian and Jennifer’s book, We, asks its readers to work through a series of exercises designed to shift their own perceptions. The first is gratitude. Though it seems simple – too simple almost – taking a look at your life and writing a list of things to be grateful for can be transforming however low, angry or despondent you feel, they say. The next is gentleness, the simple act of being kind to yourself. You’re not perfect: don’t dwell on little slip-ups, and banish the self-criticism.
Meditate. This is a tough one: Jennifer says when she first had a go, it ‘felt like I was being put in a torture chamber’. She and Gillian suggest making a quiet space for yourself, with fresh flowers or a candle nearby, but once meditating becomes a habit it gets easier. ‘I had to be facing in the right direction, there could be no distractions, the candle and incense lit, my legs crossed,’ says Gillian. ‘Then at one point I was away working and had none of my usual crutches. Now I can do it anywhere – in a crowd, on a bus, at work.’
All this is preparation for working through the nine principles, which are designed to guide you to a place of ‘acceptance’, where you can switch the spotlight from yourself to the problems of the wider world. They include a guide to choosing a cause close to your heart that you could support or campaign around.Jennifer stood as a candidate for the Green Party in the last general election and is a trustee of Inquest, a charity that supports families of people who have died in custody. At ITN she covered miscarriages of justice and visited prisons: ‘It gave me a harrowing insight into the powerlessness of being incarcerated wrongly and not being able to get anyone to believe you.’
Gillian styles herself on Twitter as ‘Mum, actress, activist’ and has campaigned for women’s and children’s rights (including her own: she made it public last year that she had been offered half as much money as her male co-star for an X-Files revival, a situation that was eventually remedied). She recently spoke at Davos about trafficking and modern slavery: ‘the thing that breaks my heart’.If it all sounds too earnest, remember that one of the principles in We is joy. ‘There have been times when the knocks have felt so hard and all-consuming that I’ve struggled to smile or to laugh, but it’s possible to break through that,’ says Gillian. ‘I try not to chew over or hold on to arguments, make space to lighten things – though, I have to admit, life situations come regularly where I think, “What! This can’t play out like this, are you kidding me?” I forget that I can’t control everything.’So reaching that place of acceptance, even for them, is a work in progress? ‘Absolutely,’ says Jennifer.‘Ongoing,’ says Gillian. ‘Every day.’
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