#genuinely one of the most comedic things to ever happen to me that ENTIRE car ride i was sweating and also about to burst out laughing

[battleslippers]

my mother (in spanish): "you know, I think homosexuality has got to be at least a little genetic. I don't know anybody on my family and on your dad's family that's gay, and nobody now is. Look at [family friend's] family, her sister is trans and [grandson] turned out to be gay! What do you think?"

me in the passenger's seat knowing the irony of the situation will haunt me for years to come: "fascinating take! 🙂"

[depressedacadamia]

Sore Losers

A/N: This was meant to be a simple one shot but I couldn’t help myself and now it’s a twoshot because I’m extra af. I hope you enjoy it and please comment!

Summary: Percy and Annabeth are both the most competitve people to ever exist by far. So when they both lead teams in a match of Capture the Flag Paintball edition, a very fun game ends up becoming a battle. Annabeth and Percy also happen to be the biggest pair of sore losers out there. 

Word count: 3.8K

Tagging: @showtunesandsolangelo

Chapter I

Let it be known that Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase were both the biggest pair of sore losers on this side of the Atlantic. You’d think that a large group of teenagers at a paintballing park would cause a lot of trouble. Yes, yes they would indeed. But not nearly as much trouble a group of traumatised teenage demigods could cause.

They had 1 rule- don't use any powers.

However, the demigods were never really much good at following rules.

Percy promised Annabeth that his team would win and Annabeth, unable to help herself, boasted back how amazing her team were going to be. It was quite obvious how their fatal flaws- hubris and loyalty- were going to be their downfall in a game of paintball.

“Oi! You two stop flirting and get on the damned bus, would you!” Piper shouted from the window seat with Hazel to her. The yellow bus was warm due to the sunny weather outside and it smelt like teenagers.

“We aren’t flirting!” Annbeth protested violently as she threw her sports bag over her shoulder while climbing the steps. Percy, being the gentleman he was, took the bag off her shoulder and carried it for her- not that it was truly hard.

“Even I can tell that you’re flirting,” Leo called out from the back where his fingers idly fiddled with some copper wire, a battery and a nail- it seemed like he was making an electromagnet.

“Can you blame me if Percy thinks his team is going to win Pipes?” Annabeth turned around in her seat.

“That’s because we are going to win,” Will commented with a hint of sarcasm from the side of the bus where Percy’s team sat. Nico, who sat next to Reyna and was on Annabeth’s team, was more invested in fidgeting with his rings until Will spoke up.

“Says you, traitor,” He snorted.

“Death boy, it’s a game. You chose Annabeth's team- it would be unfair if we were on the same team. Besides, If anything, I should be upset. You chose Annabeth's team after I chose Percy’s!”

Nico refused to answer, his arm clinging to Reyna who barely took notice and smirked at the boy’s ego’s.

“How sad must it be that you genuinely believe that you will win?” Reyna was about to sheath her spear when Hazel put her hand on hers.

“Reyna! We aren’t allowed to bring weapons. We need to prove we can beat them without weapons!” Hazel argued.

“Having second thoughts over there?” Frank called out from beside Jason. Hazel stuck her tongue out at him- he pulled a funny face in return. While these two were considered the most mature, when they were talking to each other, they were no better than 5 year olds.

The venue was huge. It was like an abandoned forest with upside down vehicles, camo everywhere and at least 3 places to get perfectly shot in the head- not that it was allowed. There was a specific reason behind the demigods choosing to go paintballing- they were never trained to use guns. It was something that none of them were familiar in, thus they were all at a completely fair level. Had they been sword fighting, they would have all destroyed each other. They had to pull on protection suits- which were also camouflage.

“Okay, this is to capture the flag but in paintball. You’re all familiar with capturing the flag- the only difference here is instead of our regular weapons, today we have these peculiar things…” Calypso trailed off slightly.

“Guns,” Hazel and Nico finished off together. The entire squad gave an alarmed look at them saying Why in the name of Hades do you know that? In sync, they both replied.

“World War 1,” Hazel sighed.

“Hitler,” Nico grunted, kicking at the floor. A couple of scattered snorts came from the group who could not picture them in the 1900s.

“Enough enemy mingling! Comrades, let us unite to beat the Owls!” Percy commanded his group comedically. Nico raised his eyebrow at the communist joke while everyone laughed slightly.

“I see you’ve learnt something in History- let’s find out if your seaweed brain can figure out how to surrender shall we?” Annabeth challenged as she took steps towards Percy, her hands resting on her hips confidently- Her hubris was showing. She half expected Percy to slip his hand around her waist or try and show off like she did but instead, he turned to his team and began frantically whispering.

The game was so on.

“Okay, this is it. We go in, storm the boys and capture their flag,” Annabeth decided.

“And don't forget to shoot as many of them as you can!” Piper added and the group happily agreed.

“Okay Comrades, Mission ‘infiltrate’ the owls is about to end- when we meet at what I like to call No man's land, we shall take their flag while they attempt to take ours. Will, guard our flag- the rest of you, position ourselves in the formation we discussed earlier. Jason and Leo, you’re my backup soldiers if I’m down,” Percy announced. The boys nodded and prepared for the plan.

Annabeth was crouching, gun in hand with Hazel behind her. Annabeth's blonde hair made her stand out a bit whereas Hazel had a greater advantage- from a vantage point, one wouldn’t even be able to see her. As Annabeth approached through the clearing she froze. Up ahead was a dangerous place. No bushes, no trees, no cars- she’d be totally exposed to whatever Percy was plotting. She did not doubt that he had some person watching this area, ready to release fire on any enemies. Annabeth was going to wait, she crouched by the bush before the clearing and kept her gun pointed and her eyes on the lookout.

She was about to move when paint balls began exploding all around her. The sound ricocheted in her ears and the droplets of paint remained floating about in the air. The boys had planned an ambush! Annabeth knew she had 2 options- retreat and play defensive or attack and play offensive.

“Hazel, you’re in charge. Nico, you’re coming with me. Make sure Reyna is still guarding the flag!” She whisper- shouted as she began running across No Mans Land with Nico trailing close behind her. He may or may not have been using his powers to bring shards of earth encased in shadows to protect himself and Annabeth from the shower of paintballs heading towards them. Nobody really needed to know- besides, he was forbidden from using death powers, not earthly ones.

“Nico, I hear something,” Annabeth warned. The sound of crackling and rushing water surrounded them.

“It’s coming from the creak…,” Nico mumbled.

They both made eye contact, agreeing on a time to run. 3 ,2 ,1- Now! They began sprinting, dodging the rocks and the flames which were scattered across the field. The other team were really going all out and being ruthless. Leo had set half of their frontier on fire that was only being controlled by the fact that Percy had a lot of water coming in from the creak preventing the fire from spreading too far. Flashes of light came striking down on the trees, causing crackles in the trees. There were echoes of thunder rumbling throughout their section and the smell of carbon monoxide slowly rising into the air.

The tree that had been struck by lightning was causing an awful mount of crackling, a bit too much for comfort. It wasn’t until the distinct sound of a tree snapping did Annabeth and Nico realise that the tree in front of them was falling.

Directly. Onto. them.

Back at Annabeth's side of the frontier, Hazel had decided to play dirty and get powers involved. It was only fair, was it not? Piper, Reyna and Calypso were all very happy to oblige to this. They had restructured their battle plan with Piper guarding the flag and using her charmspeak if necessary. Hazel, Calypso and Reyna were at the front, using their powers to their advantage. Reyna had not decided to use her empowerment- it wasn’t necessary and it was never comforting knowing she had made her friends feel brave; she felt like she was manipulating them whenever she did use it.

“So Hazel, what were you saying about not using weapons?” Reyna raised an eyebrow as she impressively pulled out her spear of imperial gold, glimmering in the sunlight. Hazel who sheathed her Spatha simply shrugged.

“Calypso are you ready?” Hazel asked, slightly concerned- she didn't want to overwork her so quickly after she had only just started to get her magic back.

“You think I’m going to let Leo win?” She scoffed slightly as she raised her hands slightly, the magical aura around them visible.

“We have a battle to win,” Reyna announced.

Nico grabbed onto Annabeth and closed his eyes. She felt herself slip into the darkness with Nico- the moment was awful. Dark, cold and creepy whisperings surrounded her. She did not want to know how Nico was able to do that. As he pulled them out the shadows, Nico dropped to his knees, trying to catch his breath. His eyes looked significantly tired post- shadow travelling.

“Don’t tell Will, he’ll go crazy if he found out that I shadow travelled,” he said weakly, his hand clutching his ribs. Annabeth slowly helped him up to his feet, only one gun still with the both of them- Nico had dropped his when he had to shadow travel them.

“Nico, I’ve got another plan if you’re up for it,” Annabeth offered. She leaned over and whispered her strategy. The corners of Nico’s lips twisted upwards into a cruel smile- cold and menacing. Was this plan extremely dangerous if one part went wrong? Probably. But Nico decided he liked the idea of winning too much to really care.

He dug his feet into the ground again, pushing every ounce of energy into controlling the shadows. He needed to keep this accurate- too much and Hazel’s side of the field goes dark, too little and Percy’s team will be able to see what's coming.

Slowly, shadows covered every inch of Percy’s field. Nico and Annabeth were grasping onto each other, Nico was holding onto her for strength while Annabeth was staying with the only person who could control what was happening. The only light that was visible were the fires ignited by Leo but by now, they were weak. All they had to do was wait for a figure to light up their hands- all the members would flock to the light, except whoever was protecting the flag.

“What just happened?” Percy yelled as he followed the stream of water that led to the fires.

“Someone’s using their powers… probably Nico, I can hear whisperings and these shadows are really cold!” Leo responded, lifting his hands up to signal his location to his teammates- though that may have not been a good idea. A giant flash of light came striking down to the ground again and the loud rumble of thunder came soon after, only adding to the creepiness of the game.

“It’s definitely Nico using powers which means he’s somehow gotten through our borders,” Jason gritted out. They all looked at each other agreeing to search for the son of Hades.

“Nico, you can summon the skeletons now, right?” Annabeth asked as she supported Nico on her shoulder. Feebly, Nico nodded while trying to summon some of his own strength. His skin which had almost returned to it’s olive hue was now close to a deathly pale. Annabeth could feel his cold fingers and slightly shivered- it was like holding a corpse. The ground started cracking, the earth splitting open as a skeletal arm reached out, climbing into the real world. Within a minute, Nico had summoned enough skeletons for the plan to work.

Annabeth knew what had to happen next- she would either run after the flag or go drive the remainder of Percy’s team far back enough so that her team could attack them from behind. She cherished the idea of getting the flag, a truly victorious moment, but she knew that if she went after the flag, she’d be sending Nico who seemed as fragile as glass right now to go fight 4 of the most powerful demigods. She decided to take her chances- hopefully whoever was guarding the flag wasn’t too hard for Nico.

“Nico, here take the gun and go after the flag. I will push back the other team.”

“I don’t need that- you’re going to be 4 against one, take it.” He batted his hand, refusing to allow Annabeth to hand over her gun to him.

“Nic-”

“-If you want to actually win this, you need your gun. You don’t stand a chance fighting 4 of them alone. Take the gun,” He managed to snap. Annabeth actually smiled at this. If Nico could give her snappy comebacks, then he still had a bit of strength in him. She kept her gun as she ran into the shadows, the skeleton army close behind.

“Does the other side look kinda funny?” Hazel asked, tilting her head to the side with her spatha in hand.

“It’s...it’s dark. I can't see anything there,” Calypso responded, slightly shocked.

What in the name of the gods was going on over there?

It seemed that the answer hit Reyna and Hazel at the same time- Nico! Not that they were about to admit it, but they were a tad concerned- you know, if you saw pure shadows just floating about, you would also be slightly concerned.

“We should move ourselves further up the frontier into No Mans Land. Annabeth must have planned something with Nico.” Calypso announced. They all agreed and moved further downwards, cautious for any ambushes.

“Oh Annabeth, aren’t you meant to be the smart one? You know, daughter of Athena?” Percy mockingly asked as she approached them, the shadows encasing most of her but not enough to go unnoticed. The skeletons however, were hiding perfectly in the dark.

“And where is the little shit?” Jason looked around Annabeth, trying to see if Nico had hid himself among the shadows- something that wouldn’t be too hard for him.

“Technically this is cheating,” Leo pointed out. Annabeth snapped her head towards him, still wondering where the skeletons were.

“We weren’t the ones who started it- if I remember correctly, you literally almost crushed us under a tree.”

“That was an accident,” Jason sheepishly rubbed his head.

“Don't think you can walk in here without being defeated, Wise girl.”

“If all 4 of you are going to fight me, I think all guns should be prohibited- does that sound fair Jackson?”

“3. All 3 of us. Frank has been… patrolling.” Leo rubbed his hands mysteriously. Annabeth wanted to gasp, they had been cheating from the beginning, using Frank as surveillance on them.

“Well since you were cheating from the very beginning, you definitely cannot use your guns,” Annabeth protested, enforcing her plan. The boy shrugged and threw their guns to the floor- Annabeth did the same but the gun was still close enough for… a change of heart. Fire raged from Leo’s hands, Percy had Riptide in hand and Jason had his Gladius, the charge of lighting running through it. Annabeth had to try to not visibly gulp- Where on earth were the skeletons? Here getting toasted was not part of the plan. She could only start to take them one when the distraction was set.

Nico forcibly pushed his foot one in front of another, searching for the flag. The entire half of the arena was covered like a blanket. The only light source being Leo’s fire and the occasional fires that Nico let loose through the ground to help him see. Up head, Nico could see another light source- did he just walk himself into a circle? He couldn’t see Leo or any fires. In fact all he really saw was light.

Light?

He trudged forwards, keeping to the shadows. As he got closer, he realised the light source was Will- his skin was the lightsource, literally. It was like he was watching a firefly for the first time- Will was glowing! No, focus Nico. The game, the flag. Capture it and reign victorious with Annabeth.

“Frank, dude, get off my shoulder,” Jason said. As the hand remained on his shoulder, Jason grew slightly agitated and turned around before jumping back and letting out a scream of surprise. Catching the attention of Percy and Leo, the skeletons began to close in on them. Now was Annabeth's chance. While the skeletons pushed them back, hopefully Hazel would have the team ready for an ambush on all sides.

“You’re very shiny today,” Nico commented.

“Well if you didn’t plunge us into semi- eternal darkness, I wouldn’t be a night light,” Will retorted crossing his arms.

“I’ve always wanted my own personal nightlight. Also now, I have an actual justification to call you sunshine- you’re literally glowing.”

“Quit laughing at me.”

“I’m not laughing at you… I’m just stealing,” Nico shrugged as he made a dash for the flag. Will scrambled for his gun but it was too late, Nico had pulled the flag into the shadows- the paintballs from Will’s gun had only hit the tree that Nico had once stood in front of. As Nico emerged from his travelling, the shadows that once covered the entire field started fading.

With their guns strapped to their backs, Hazel and the team made their way across No Mans Land- trying to avoid the shower of paintballs from the other side.

“You made a machine gun out of this?” Hazel asked in dismay as she dodged the fireball coming from Leo.

“I am Admiral Leo, of course I made a machine gun, Hazel.”

“Hazel, on your left!”

Hazel swiftly ducked a paintball coming her left which proceeded to hit Leo square in the chest. He groaned as he felt the bruise start to form across his chest. Saddened by getting hit, he fell to the ground dramatically.

“Oh I’m wounded! Tell Calypso I might not make it!”

“Tell her yourself,” a voice snorted. Jason and Reyna were both fighting- Jason’s gladius would come down harshly onto Reyna’s spear, who continuously tried to disarm him. When Jason came down again with his sword, Reyna twisted her spear towards the hilt and pushed the butt of her spear upwards successfully disarming the sword with a clatter from his hands. She placed her foot on the sword and kicked it backwards, away from Jason before she dropped her spear.

“Hand to hand?” Jason asked. Reyna did not reply and instead charged towards him.

Calypso was trying to not get set on fire- while Leo had been shot, he was not about to let her win so easily. Her magic could only do so much and it annoyed her that Leo was setting everything on fire.

“Calypso, don’t you have telekinesis?” Annabeth shouted nodding towards Leo as she dodged another slash from Percy. Calypso got the memo and closed her eyes, harvesting as much power as she could. Being an ex-titaness came with it’s privileges from time to time. She opened her eyes and flung her hands towards Leo. Easily, she threw him into the creek where he landed with an ‘oomph’ and a very loud curse word that will not be repeated.

Piper hated being the guard. Everyone was probably having a blast and here she was, away from the action. There was a buzzing noise that was annoying her and she really did not want to deal with it. She had one of her daggers clutched in her hand while the gun was slung over her shoulder. She had gotten so bored that she had resorted to talking to the crow opposite her who had just sat there. It would tilt its head every once in a while when she said anything that could be deemed controversial.

Suddenly, the crow flew towards her, as to rest on her shoulder but instead, went towards the flag. Nothing wrong there, just a crow going towards a flag. Afterall it wasn’t as if it was trying to pull it out of the ground. Just as Piper turned around to see what the crow was really doing, she caught Frank with his hand wrapped around the flag, smiling and saluting towards her as he turned around and ran, flag in hand. Piper swore she had run as fast she ever had in her entire life, trying to get her charmspeak to work. The panting did not help her.

Annabeth slashed her knife in Percy’s direction, missing him by a millimeter as he stepped back to avoid it. Riptide came back at her, instead of it going for a blow to the chest as she expected, Percy aimed for her feet. As he wanted, she tripped and fell but her knife was still in hand. Just as she was about to use it, Riptide was held under her chin- she could feel the cool metal of it as Percy smirked and lightly teased her neck with it.

“You know Miss Brainiac, you really have yourself in a bad position, giving up would be easy, wouldn't it?”

“Jackson, you are enjoying this too much. I think you’ve forgotten the point.” Annabeth grabbed Riptide and twisted it before roling backwards slightly and throwing herself forwards. The sword clattered to the ground making Percy pout slightly but he wasn’t disheartened. Annabeth backslashed towards Percy who grabbed her arm, rendering the weapon in hand useless.

Annabeth had one last plan.

She leaned forwards and pressed her lips against Percy. It was quick and daring and Percy certainly did not expect it. Their lips met gently- it was comforting, warm and soft. Their lips brushed and when she pulled away lightly, he could taste her chapstick.

“Ouch!” Percy yelped as he jumped away from Annabeth and let go of her wrist. She held the knife under his chin and winked at Nico who held the gun with the flag under his arm. There was a giant yellow splatter on his back.

“That's not fair!” Percy sputtered. “ You seduced me!”

“All's fair in love and war.” Annabeth winked.

“I’ve got it! I’ve got the flag!” Frank gasped slightly- mainly due to being out of breath. He looked at Jason who was on the ground, Leo who was soaking, Percy who had a massive paintball splatter on his back and then at Nico who was holding the flag.

“We planned this. To make you win. We were taking it easy on you guys,” Frank decided. All the boys nodded in agreement only making Annabeth's teams chuckle.

[popculturebuffet]

Of Moons, Millionares and Mothers Part 2: The Ballad of Duke Balloney or “I’m Flintheart Glomgold and I Always Will Be!” (Commission for WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy people. I”m Jake, I review stuff and today continues my look at Ducktales season 2 story arcs, of Moons, Millionares and Mothers. And while this arc as a whole is paid for by WeirdKev27, due to the Arc’s length, 17 parts including 15 episodes and 6 comics (2 of which will be in the same review), this one’s special as he’s using his patreon review every month to do so. If you too want me to review something of your choice simply hit up my ask box or join my patreon at patreon.com/popculture buffet. You get access to my discord, to pick a short when I do a group of them for characters birthdays, help me hit neat stretch goals like my next which is reviewing a darkwing duck episode a month, and best of all EXCLUSIVE REVIEWS. And I just added one this saturday of a carl barks story centerting around wigs, legal battles and attempted murder, both by our villian.. and by our heroes...

I will never get tired of that panel nor the boys inexplicably finding a blowgun. Point is it’s there if you want it at THIS LINK, but enough plugging so I can help pay the streaming bills and keep doing this... let’s get to the meat of things shall we?

This episode begins the second arc of this retrospective, The Glomgold Arc. And this arc was inevitibly going to come to this blog for two reasons. The first is that I have made no secret, in fact i’ve shouted it as loud as I can the neighbors are concerned, that I fucking love the 2017 Version of Flintheart Glomgold. 

Glomgold is Keith Ferguson’s best role, tied with Lord Hater obviously, but it is indeed a tie. No one but Keith could’ve pulled off glomgold’s combination of ego, ham, and batshit insanity. He just makes the utterly stupid and wonderfully ludicrious things that come out of the mans mouth sound so damn natural with such an unearned confidence. It’s very clear that Frank had Keith in mind when putting this version of everyone’s faviorite South African Billionare pretending to be a Scottish Billionare and wisely built the characcter around him and his immense talent. I was not familiar with Keith at all, wasn’t even aware he voiced hater before this show but damn if that hasn’t fully changed. 

Glomgold was also just in general a brilliant update of the character: While I know a lot of duck fans weren’t happy with this version at least at first. As the action figure sitting on my shelf that once road in a car with my david hasslehoff baywatch funko pop I have entirley due to my love of baywatching,  this insane music video hoff did in the early 2000′s, and just in general how gloriously rediculous the man’s life is when you stop and think about it for a second from a pay per-view concert that ended up falling on the same night as The OJ Chase,  to his kung fury cameo , to his weird insetence they never had sex on baywatch desspite mounds of video evdience and the fact the show was buit around the bulk of it’s cast’s sex appeal, to the fact the model of his pecs used for the spongebob movie was sold in an auction and on and on... I was going somewhere with this...

Oh right as the action figure, and previous praise, shows I am not one of these fans: The original isn’t bad, in fact one of my faviorite life and times chapters that i’ll be covering this week and talking about later in the review has him as the main antagonist and a pitvitol figure in Scrooge’s life in the worst way possible. Rosa GETS what’s needed for Flinty to feel specail: to have him be an evil mirror to scrooge, what he could’ve been had he kept down the path he started down in Africa. A ruthless, amoral asshole who will do ANYTHING to get rich. 

It’s just often that isn’t emphasised enough and he’s instead just another one of the millions of generic assholes trying to get scrooges money sometimes with hired goons...

Not only that but Frank really COULDN’T have him at full effectivness. See an arch enemy in the Silver Age, which STARTED the same year Glomgold Debuted no less, wasn’t a big deal. They were still considered your deadliest foe but they’d often, much like Flinty be shuffled into the rogues gallery, show up for an issue to meance the hero, then either escape, get thrown in jail only to escape from that easily later, or be presumed dead. The last one I bring up because it happened to Magneto a LOTTTT pre-claremont. For Fuck’s Sake Charles have those teenagers train to look for a body once in a while!

Original Flinty was built for that, and brilliantly so as Barks had a talent for it , as seen by the fact The Beagle BOys, Flintheart and Magica have stuck around ever since and even in comics overseas where Flintehart is replaced.. it’s by Rockerduck who Barks ALSO created. The 87 Show followed the same formula, which was just as standard for 80′s cartoons. It’s why Megatron took until his toy was canceled the movie to shoot starscream in the face. 

The problem is villians evolved and the expecation became more that a true arch enemy had to be a true threat. While Frank and Matt COULD’VE made Flintheart a real and honest threat, he also would’ve had to make him a Big Bad. The probelm was those seats were clearly taken: while i’m pretty sure some ideas came as they went, the main story beats were clearly planned out well in advance: Webby being a clone was always the plan, as was FOWL, Darkwing being a fan of a fictional Darkwing who became the real thing, and Della being on the moon. So he presumibly carefully choose each season’s big bad... and thus Season’s 1-3 would be full up wise. Season 1 had Magica, who he made into a TRUE threat, yet left the door open for her to return as she did, Season 2 had Lunaris who even if they hadn’t fully thought him up, they probably had thought up the moonvasion, and Season 3 was what they’d built the series towards with FOWL. 

Details probably changed, it’s very clear to me they were likely going to have all three buzzards be important and ended up deicding to pivot to it just being Bradford over time. But given how well they though tout the general framework, I highly doubt Flinty was ever considered as a seirous big bad.. and I know i’m saying this in an arc that tried to set him up as one, but i’m getting there simmer. 

So they could wait for a season 4 that might not happen.. or make him a recurring villian. So Frank and Matt decided to do that and leaned into comedy. Centering him around keith who Frank worked with previously on Wonder and thus knew he could play a hammy manchild like no one else, they simply leaned into the goofier aspects of his personality. His being similar to scrooge became him being an intentional and blatant knockoff. As Scrooge himself perfectly summed up in episode 1 “The poor man’s version of me.. which to be fair still makes him insanely rich”. 

It’s another reason to really love this version as while yes, they did make him a bafoon.. he’s a wonderfully, redicuously layered bafoon: He still contrasts scrooge perfectly, manically hammy to Scrooge being calm, especially around flinty, blantatly crooked to Scrooge’s died in wool honesty, and wasting money on revenge instead of spending it on his actual company. There’s more obviously but some i’m saving for the review. 

Not only that but his insane schemery has a rhyme and reason to it: He attacks Scrooge every week like the saturday morning cartoon villian he is, but his schemes are always unwieldly and massively stupid, and he always goes with the first draft. It’s something the team enforced: the first version is what they role with because that’s how his sad brain works. He also is obssed with sharks and explosives, the former being given a suprisingly heartfelt and unsuprisingly insanne origin story towards the series end, and works them into every plot no matter how much itm akes no sense. He’s pure ego, pure stupid and pure fun. 

So yeah circling back to him being the big bad, I felt he was made one for this season for two reasons: the first is while a lot of fans (raises hand) enjoyed this version, some didn’t like how inept he was, so this would give them a breif bit of Flintheart being a genuine threat again. The other was frankly... they didn’t want to play their hand. Lunaris WAS the big bad... but fans would get supscious if there was seemingly no true threat on the horizon. Magica popped up in episode 4. We didn’t know her full plan yet true, but all we needed was lena SAYING HER NAME and fans of any other version of teh Disney Ducks would instantly go “Oh shit there she is”. So fans would now have the expectation of a main antagonist.. but would be instantly supscious of Lunaris and Penumbra if there wasn’t one for the first third of a season it took to them, and it’d leave a gap in the story to not have someone driving the plot on earth. 

So Flinty got an upgrade.. a slight one and we’ll talk about the eb and flow. And thus he got a proper origin. Now granted they could’ve planned this too, but this one’s harder to tell as the curse you me gag could’ve been a clever setup or could’ve just been a one off gag they somehow turned into an entire episode. So Flinty got an arc.. and a comedic foil, the other reason this was inevieble, and Kev’s faviorite character, Zan Owlson. So how did it work out for them? Well we’ll begin that journey under the cut. 

We begin our story a few months ago.... on every level really: the months ago shadow war aired when this episode originally good, the months ago I reviwed Shadow War (which via counting I found out was my 200th episode not counting Patreon. Nice), and most importantly for this story, the four months ago before the present day of Season 2. 

Glomgold saying curse you me as he fell into the bay during the Shadow War.... only for once in his life he dosen’t somehow get out of it unscathed and instead passes out, almost drowning. He’s found by Fisher and Mann, two fisherpersons... Mann is specific about that due to being a woman despite the obvious irony. It’s a good gag. Flinty acts like he normally would.. hostile, demanding that they know who he is.. and while they don’t.. neither does he. 

Cue credits and cue present day. Via a newscast with Roxanne we learn what I mentioned earlier: It’s been four month and Glomgold’s been missing. The general mood.. has been about what you’d expect. 

Yeah Roxanne turned on him real fast. I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if it was because he later openly bragged about stealing scrooge’s money during the shark thing on live tv at some point, making Roxanne look terrible for enabling him and for blatantly supporting him earlier. I mean.. how else do you get a corrupt journalist to do anything decent. 

But with Glomgold gone SOMEONE’S gotta replace him.. and that someone is Zan Motherfucking Owlson. Top of her class at Mouseton Univesity, Owlson is the show once again updating things: previously they added Mark Beaks to the Rogue’s Gallery as he contrasts the 50′s (scrooge ) and 80′s (glomgold) idea of billionares from previous versions of the property being a modern tech weasel. Though instead of just one thing Owlson represents a few: The most obvious is she’s a woman of color: Having a black woman in such a high position of power is something disney would’ve outright vetoed in the 50′s and 80′s. Here it’s well accepted as it always should have been. It also feels like a delebrate move on Frank’s part: There weren't’ any major african or african american coded characters in season 1, despite the show being very open and accepting, so that needed to change. The other is frankly outside of Brigtaa MacBridge, whose also weirdly absent from this series for some reason and has taken Fethry and Rockerduck’s place as the most major overseas duck character to never get adapted, there are hardly ever any females on Scrooge and his richer foes level. He’s had the occasional female rival or suitor, but only Brigittta had staying power and while I love the idea of her, another person as rich as scrooge whose willing to spend more and has a crush on him, she badly needed an update as she’s essentially Adventure Era Amy Rose in a grown ass woman’s body. 

Owlson also provides a diffrent dynamic in that she portrays the ideal of what we’d want from a ceo: She’s honest, works hard, earned her way as square as scrooge did, gladly donates to charity and is extremely charismatic and intelligent. Granted most CEO”s are nothing like this but still, she’s what we WANT them to be. Using the money not for themselves or taking big paychecks but to help people. She also provides something Glomgold needed: a straight man. While he has one in Scrooge at times, Owlson unlike both of them is a fully functional resonable human being. Scrooge, while a good person deep down, can be reckless, impulsive and greedy, and Glomgold had a tarzan like experince with sharks, goes on to name his dummy son sharkbomb, and tried to murder Scrooge on live television twice that we know of. She’s the calm, snarky, put upon sane person trying to reign in the crazy shark explosion man. 

Owlson dosen’t get a ton to do here, but that will change and she does get a decent amout in the final scene. But what she does here establishes who she is and how sh’es FIXED Glomgold industries; She’s shut down the vast number of money sinking scheme related departments, set ups everal charities, and is even setting up a new one with Scrooge, Dimes for Ducklings. In short she knew exactly what was needed to fix the company and it’s image and did so in FOUR MONTHS. Probably even less given they had to be sure Glomgold wasn’t coming back right away. I guarantee he’s faked his death like 10 times just to try and kill scrooge. They have to make sure it’s real first.  As one last note before we move on, Owlson is played by Natasha Rothwell, a producer and writer who i’ve only seen outside of this in Love, Simon and Sonic the Hedgehog.. that is a weird combo of things that mean a LOT to me I haven’t been able to bring up here again. 

We find the tv this was all playing on on the docks with a non-anthro segull pecking it while a bunch of fisherpersons go about their day. We also get this guy. 

Add him to the list of spinoffs I want THE LIST OF SPINOFFS JAKE WANTS: 1. Darkwing Duck 2. Donald, Daisy and the Kids 3. The Sabrewings 4. Tailspin Reboot 5. The Flintheart Glomgold Show 6. A Sequel Movie 7. This Guy Punching A Fucking Fish 

So you might be wondering when any of our main cast are going to show up.. and why the fish puncher isn’t in said main cast. Well that’s about now as Webby and Louie are fishing. Well okay more acuratley webby is fishing because she genuinely enjoys it and Louie is tagging along so he can nap on a boat while Webby paddles him around. That plan is threatnned by her spear fishing and he suggests using rods instead, but they need bait for that. 

Naturally, given we need to get this plot going our heroes run into Duke Baloney, aka an amnesiac Glomgold. Understandably, both of htem think this is some sort of scheme at first because waiting for someone related to Scrooge to stroll by his fish stand for some sort of shark themed trap, especially since he’s right near the water so he dosen’t have to worry about keeping them hydrated like that time he dropped one from a plane onto scrooge’s board meeting with two chainsaws strapped to it. But .. it’s not. While we the audience saw him amnesiac, and at first I thought that spoiled the episode... it really dosen’t. He still ACTS like himself on instinct, so your not sure if he faked it as part of some elaborate scheme or is really gone till this scene shows that, no he really isn’t there. And the how is simply in knowing the guy: Glomgold is not good at subtley. He has disguises and such, but their never remotely convincing. He could NEVER pull off  actually being a humble fish monger nor have gone four fucking months without yelling at scrooge or remotely contacting him. There’s also the fact Fisher and Mann 100% belivie in duke and back up his very real story of being dredged out of the bay. There’s also his south african accent, which actors including David Tennant himself have admitted is one of the hardest to pull off but Keith does swimingly, which is a hint.. but only on rewatch or for those who know his comics origins. 

Louie isn’t convinced which is fair: even if Glomgold isn’t good at this sort of thing, he’s still tried it a lot. Webby however correctly figures he has amensia. So the two simply try talking to him. Fisher and Mann do get a bit dickish laughing off the idea he’s possibly Glomgold.. despite the fact you know you dredged him out of the fucking water 4 months ago.. and if you actually looked at the news, would see Glomgold disappeared around the exact same time you found Duke. It just annoys me because otherwise these two are great characters: Friendly loveable fisherpersons who love their job, have no comeptiviness and genuinely want to help their friend duke. The encounter does have them seeing a fancy money clip Duke has but with no other options they leave for now. 

But while Duke has forgotten who he was... bits of glomgold still stir within him. And that starts when Duke spots the McDuck Industries fishing boat, the best fishing boat on the sea, something his friends are okay with.. but Duke naturally isn’t. So while Duke was a calm sane fisherman before the true glomgold in him is on full display as he comes up with insane schemes involving fish and explosives, before presenting a rather insane scheme to his friends involving getting engineering degrees and other stuff.. it’s as poorly drawn and wonderful as you expect from him. But what’s telling is that he reigns it in when his friends show obvious concern with his actions... something Glomgold would NEVER do. For one he dosen’t have friends. For another, he doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings or thoughts. 

By now Webby is also championing that Duke is a diffrente person.. which is true. Duke is Glomgold stripped of his hate and resitment towards scrooge. He’s who the man COULD’VE been had he not sworn eternal vengeance on Scrooge. Louie is doubtful that he’s amnesiac still.. but neither can quite figure out the full story so it’s time for research.. and for Webby to accidentally knock Louie into some lobster traps.. which given he’s spent the entire episode assuming an amnesiac man isn’t that despite all the evidence to the contrary, he earned that. That said these two were the perfect choice for it: All of the boys have a bit of skeptic in them, and we already had a plot with Huey being skeptical.. and even he would’ve given up by now as would dewey since he only has a pinch at best. Webby.. has none. She can question motives and stuff sure, but at her heart she’s a kind forgiving soul who belives the best in everyone. And.. its’  paid off fo rher. Look at the whole Lena situation, she believed in her, even while Lena was actively manipulating her,.. and it truly changed her, convinced Lena to do the right thing despite the cost, to choose love over the abusive monster who made her. It’s the only missed opportunity in the episode for me. Character wise it has exactly the 8 it needs to tell the story and focuses heavly on the five it truly is about. But not having Webby bring up Lena when we don’t hear her mentoined AT ALL during her absence (though to the shows credit they did a good job showing Webby still had never remotely given up), and it made the wait more agonizing and would’ve made her motivations hit even harder: that she belives in duke because she believed in lena and it was real. And while this thank christ isn’t remotely romantic, the point does stand: She wants to see the best. 

Louie is a conman by nature so he only sees the worst, the weakest in people, the things he can use to take htem down or take hteir money. He can’t fathom someone doing good because he can’t fathom HIMSELF being good. And that.. says a lot.. but he’s accepted himself as a shady conperson who cares only for himself.. even if that’s not the truth. His inclusion here enhances his own arc much like Huey’s role in quack pack enhanced his. It shows that deep down Louie dosen’t think much of anyone.. and probably not himself. That he has to be shady and greedy to survive when that’s not tru. Sharper than the sharpies yes but also square.

One last bit before we moved on  I just found out though: The Crew originally had this as a straight up origin story: no kids, none of the rest of the duck family, except presumably Scrooge’s parts here, just Glomgold’s struggle with amensia and his past leading to who hei s now. Honestly I think that version could’ve worked, but likely given disney seems TERRIFIED of making a show starring an adult without a chlid and had to be talked into the child light Golden Lagoon, that was a non starter but I think it still works fine. I also foudn this out via a twitter thread of Frank’s rewriting history that goes in deep on teh production of each episode. Had I known this existed before writing this one, I would’ve used it for the other two arcs and most dangerous game night, but I intend to read through it so I have everything on the table from here on out. 

For only the second time in her long career of researching stuff though, Webby has hit a dead end. Mostly because she couldn’t find anything on Duke.. and NOTHING on Glomgold’s past pre-Duckburg. The most she has is his visa...

I want to frame this on my wall.. and someone is actually seling id cards out there, so I want this one at some point. It’s not Disney because they don’t care about fan merch like this, but then that just means they don’t get the money because they didn’t think of it or put the work in then huh. 

But yeah with nothing else our heroes go to the only person they know who knows him well...  Scrooge. 

Meanwhile Duke has .. this... I just.....I can’t put words to this truly bizzare surreal dream sequence.. it involves Glomgold going insane, the kids dancing on a bagpipe, and owlson is there.. despite the fact that Glomgold should have zero idea whot hat is. I think the kids mentioned here but even then, he somehow knows exactly what she looks like.

Otherwise good stuff and it’s raining hard as Duke goes in. Fisher and Mann have formally added him to their sign, and warmly welcomed him in and Duke says “this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me I think” which is probably true. and makes what’s coming all the more heartbreaking. 

But before what’s coming Duke has another thing coming.. Scrooge who the kids brought to talk to him. The two talk casually, the kids watch not knowing.. and then Scrooge comes back to them. Turns out Webby was, unsurprisingly right on the money, Flinty does have amnesia, and unlike what Louie thought.. he isn’t inherently evil. Duke is just duke.. and Scrooge has no intention of fixing the amnesia. And while that SOUNDS bad.. his intentions are noble: Glomgold.. was a throughly miserable person. He was never happy and never would be till Scrooge was dead by his hand and that was never going to happen.  It isn’t even taking an enemy off the board: Flinty is only a threat on occasion. Scrooge clearly ENJOYS their conflict: it may annoy him from time to time, but he clearly enjoys upstaging the guy. And as he points out, it’s not a brain injury or anything: Glomgold is practically immortal as Louie put earlier, and Scrooge outright mentions Glomgold’s taken a LOT of explosions to the face. So he’s in no real danger physically or emotionally.. he’s happy. He has friends, a calling he truly enjoys. There’s another reason too but we’ll see that in the final scene. 

So Duke is finally happy... but it doesn’t last... the kids go out but a storms a coming, and Duke selfleslly heads out to save them.. only to get hit on the head and fall in the ocean again. 

It’s here we get the 2017 version of Glomgold’s origin story. We did kinda get one with life and times, as we saw his first meeting with scrooge and why he hated him, long story short with the long story coming later this week Glomgold left Scrooge for dead and Scrooge’s response was to come back, kick the fuckers ass, tar and feather him and utterly humilaite him, leading to Flinty swearing vengance. 

But while I love that version..t his one is just as awesome if not better. And it’s without having Scrooge ride a lion. Here we instead meet Flinty as a child Scrooge’s age... and as a shoeshine boy. Yup just like Scrooge Duke, Glomgold’s birth name, was an industrious young boy with big dreams. He also had unwieldy schemes from minute one, but Scrooge saw in this lad the same fire he had and tried replicating his own origin. 

The problem was... the different context ruined it. Scrooge was paid by an equally poor ditchdigger the us equilvent of his pay: still useless in scotland, but a good lesson in hard work and not being swindled. Scrooge tried that... as the richest duck in the world and without giving flinty the same amount of money. 

So Duke/Flinty took umbrage at this yelled at scrooge.. and pick pocketed his money clip. In the only bit taken from the rosa version of their first meeting, Scrooge never realized he’d met flinty already. There and then duke came up with his first true, and first insane scheme: Save the money and use it to mold himself into a richer, more scottish version of scrooge dedicating his life to one upping him and killing him. A “single white female” type thing as Frank put it. 

It’s.. utterly brilliant... taking Glomgold being a knockoff as mention and just running with that... making Glomgold a LITERAL knockoff. This was indeed the plan all along: A way to have him be both south african and scottish and it was brilliant. It also gives him more depth and more tragedy: He COULD’VE been the next scrooge.. but instead of being his own man or learning any of the hard lessons scrooge did he doubled down on never learning anything and getting vengeance on an old man’s well meant but accidently classist gesture. 

So Glomgold reawakens and while it first looks like he’s going to save the kids... he instead throws Webby into the raging sea, and steals their fish. Webby is heartbroken and Louie asks him “what about duke.” His response is heartbreaking as it is character defnting

“I”m Flintheart Glomgold and I always will be!” the lightning shot, the cackle..i t’s just such a damn good moment that underscores the tragedy of the episode as Glomgold’s new friends are horrified by what he is now and what he was always meant to be and Glomgold leaves to go stalk scrooge once again. He indeed is Flintheart Glomgold and always will be.. because he threw the decent person he could’ve been away. He’s miserable.. because he can’t let go of his rage or ego and just move on from something that happened to him when he was ten! He has to be in his 60′s now! Glomgold may think Scrooge is his worst enemy.. but it’s really Flintheart Glomgold.... and it always will be. 

So naturally his first actoin is to storm into his company and scream at scrooge. How he found him there... honestly not a huge suprise it’s his company and he likely knows how to find scrooge anywhere because he’s a creep like that. Scrooge and Owlson’s reactions are both worth a look at:

Given Glomgold bursts into an already annoying meeting of Scrooge trying to get the dimes part knocked down to nickles (and likely lower before that given he mentioned Pennies earlier), to accuse Scrooge of trying to trick him by appearing as a boat in his dreams her bafflement is both understandable and hilarious. Like she probably HEARD what Glomgold was like but gennuinely didn’t belivie it and her face is just now frozen in a look of “oh my god they were not exagearating what fresh hell is this”. 

She tries to be professional and introduce herself but he just brushes her off and yells at Scrooge blaming him for being forgotten (”You literally forgot yourself), with Owlson also considering calling security. She only dosen’t because Scrooge points out he’ll tire himself out eventually and as usual for their jousts, is not remotely threatened or worried. He’s just..sad. And getting back to his reaction.. that’s what’s telling about his plan. He probably KNEW this would happen. He in his heart knew Duke Balloney would be gone soon, and he’d have to deal with Glomgold again. It helps soften the implicatoins: it wouldn’t last and fraknly if it did Scrooge would probably have people check on him regualry to make sure he was okay. He’s not a monster.. he just wanted Flinty to be happy for five minutes and to not ruin that out of some misplaced sense of right and wrong.. when the right thing was to simply let the man be happy till it inevitably blew up. 

Glomgold however, furious at being forgotten and cast aside has decided to take a huge poorly thought through gamble and challenges scrooge to a classic Scrooge comics trope between the two, but with higher stakes: A contest to see who will be the richest duck in the world by the end of the year.. and given Christmas happens right after this i’m just assuming he means a year from now. Winner gets both companies and fortunes. Scrooge scoffs at this.. till Flinty pulls out the clip, taunting him with how he did it and “If I can beat you once scrooge i’ll beat you again”. And this, Flinty revealing he stole from him and he NEVER KNEW it or realize it, enrages scrooge enough to agree and to take him seriously... meanwhile Owlson.. just tries to get actual work shit done and just forges their signatures. Look she is a woman of color in the business world with genuinely good motives... she’s probably used to using white nonsense to get things past two idiots having a peeing race. 

Final Thoughts:

This episode is truly excellent and like Most Dangerous Game Night! i’d forgottne just HOW good it was. The pacing, the comedy, and the character work is all on full blast and i’ve gushed plenty enough about how great an origin story is. it’s a character piece that explains why this doofus is the way he is and that is what holds him back. 

Next time on MMM: Louie’s back as he pulls a ghostbusters to make quick money and Storkules starts rooming with Donald with predictable results. 

If you liked this review consider joining my patreon and i’ll see you at the next rainbow. 

[letsperaltiago]

ok time to break my silence caused by the fact that i spent all day making this lol too many feels 

so.. palm springs thoughts !! and there are manyyyy so buckle up and feeel free to hit me up with either matching or contradicting thoughts or whateveer!! i would LOVE to nerd out about this movie with someone:’)

here comes thoughts and pictures!! 

we basically start off with a mr. samberg sex-scene okAYYYYY the mood is set. we love the view

nyles aka. mr. samberg is the most gorgeous man alive and it was a true pleasure to admire him for 90 minutes straight 

CURLS!!????! THEY ARE UNREAL. i shall dedicate an entire post to them

Cristin Milioti is perfect for her role. her acting? *chef’s kiss* I love that she’s not the stereotypical female rom-com lead.

Her chemistry with Andy? Gosh.. Can’t believe Nyles x Sarah is my new main movie-ship!! They play off of each other SO. WELL. Their characters are equally stone cold and bitter, but then again not really, and they both portray it so well!!

“You don’t ned a leg up.” *moans* “Hold my leg up!” i SCREAMED

“Don’t you kiss me.” “Don’t you tell me what to do.” hoW DARE THEY!

Ok ur basically on love already stop it

The fact that they were just gonna fuck on a blanket on top OF ROCKS?!

but then again in this movie’s already insane universe it’s prob pretty normal:)

The overall dark, existential humor?? This is what I live and breathe for on a daily basis. Basiaclly both main characters are a BIG MOOD

Nyles not giving a shit vs. Sarah severely freaking out in the beginning is an iconic dynamic

“I am the antichrist” and then the rock falling? For a hot sec I literally thought the movie was gonna take a turn with Nyles being some magical/scientific creature that’d created the timeloop or something idkkk ahhha

Nyles in the suit... ridiculous(ly hot)

The torture methods Roy uses on Nyles and the fact that he’s not mentally scarred?? How?? 

On that note I love that Nyles and Sarah keep their memories even if the day starts over. Would’ve been a completely different concept if they had to “meet each other for the first time” every day and it wouldn’t’ve allowed their relationship arc to evolve as it did 

Darla is the fucking shit 

Nyles in the baseball cap, amirite?

THE BARTENDER TALKING ABOUT HITTING A GUY WITH THE CAR SHE’S CURRENTLY GIVING NYLES A HANDJOB IN IS COMEDIC GOLD 

“You fucked Jerry Schlieffen?” “Well he fucked me.” Yes SIR. Andy Samberg’s characters are all bottoms and we’re here for it

Sarah’s tongue click and “nice try” when Nyles asks her about her sex life?? 

IDK WHY BUT SO GOD

Randy is hella annoying. That’s it. That’s the tweet.

THIS ENTIRE SCENE:

the fact that they both start waking up smiling because now at least they have each other 🥺😭🤯

uhm i love a good ship that’s like... best friends to lovers and the montage of them basically becoming besties killed me 

this outfit Y E S: 

sarah falling off the car and nyles laughing it off is relationship goals

the crashing plane I LOL’ED

okay so... big moment... the DANCING AND MATCHING OUTFITS? THEY ARE MY DREAM TEAM. Also how excited they are running away from the bar 🥺

IM POSITIVE THIS IS THE MOMENT NYLES KNOWS! LIKE HE DOESN’T ADMIT IT TO HIMSELF COMPLETELY BUT HE KNOWS 

the bomb in the cake and french pirate-skit? so fucking random but i lovee it because it’s so them

*DRUM ROLL* PERHAPS MY FAVORITE MOMENT IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE: 

STORYLINE WISE AND VISUALLY A++++

the deep talks by the fire were SO well written. they were actually deep and genuine, allowing the characters to grow and opening up to us as viewers but also remained fun and witty

sarah trying to get nyles to admit he cares for her and him joking it off??? the flirtinggg

really wish we’d gotten to know more about what nyles meant with “it drifts away: just like they all do.” because it really seemed to trigger something within him. Like WHO “They”???

the dinosaurs lmao no comment but at least they got a cute cuddly moment

from the very first millisecond inside the tent you can CLEARLY tell Sarah is just dying to do something about them!!!

 the disbelief on nyles’ face when sarah says “lets just get it over with” because she’d clearly stated he didn’t want to and even though he obviously did he’s respected it and not done anything further about it oh babey

we love some good making out:’))) 

NYLES HALTING TO TAKE IN THE MOMENT EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO SCREAM INTO THE VOID 

i will die for a post-sexy timez cuddle and how sarah is trying to staying awake to be besides him is just *explosion* 

this has to be *the moment* she realises 

and they’re both sooooo fucking happy when they wake up after damn love me like that pls

THE GROOM BOOO FUCK OFF CAN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO REMEMBER HIS NAME CHEATING SCUM 

THIS FACE:

Baby is trying so hard and is so cute and nervous about it. SARAH LISTEN TO HIM HE LOVES YOU.

HE FELT GOOD WAKING UP BECAUSE OF YOUUUU, GIRL. DO NOT CALL IT “FUN”, SARAH 

“Going to bed maybe just got a little better” 😭😭😭😭

The entire cop scene is just pure insanity, very Lonely Island and I’m here for it even though I just want Sarah to rEALLY LISTEN TO WHAT NYLES IS TRYING TO SAY 

“Pain is real” oh babey that means SO MANY THINGS 🥺💔

“I followed you into that cave because I liked you!” like jake would say: don’t love how we got here but we’re going where i want

“pretentious sad boy” me

not shocked that they’ve hooked up before because c h e m i s t r y but don’t like how it got out :)))

why is nyles’ one sleeve shirt rolled up? im triggered

drinking pure vodka? oh babey its gonna be okay 

WE LOVE A SMART BOI WHO RECOGNIZES HIS GIRL’S PERFUME 

Sarah’s parents singing:)) i would cry too, nyles

"I love her.” “I see... That’s interesting” lmao savage

I actually really love Roy’s character. It turns out to be very humble actually and he has some insightful and lowkey poetic that lines i love. Besides that he’s hilarious. 

SO the whole time i was wondering how they’d get out of the whole “same day forever”-thing, if they were to. and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that they had such a logical way out of it: science. Not anything cheesy like “a true love’s kiss” or “you learned your lesson”. Pure logic and Sarah’s hard work to get there. Huge fan of this. 

I will never get over how good Nyles looks waking up and Sarah is xtra pretty in that scene:’) 

Nyles just wants to stay in a loop forever because it means for sure that he gets to stay with Sarah forever and I’m lowkey into it but also like lowkey LISTEN TO HER AND GO WITH HER PLAN, NYLES

“I wanna stay with you” *sniffles*

“I love you. How about that?” PRETTY FUCKING GOOD 

I love Nyles’ character development. He started off so nonchalant and cold, closed off and by this point he’s the softest, smiliest in love fool I’ve ever seen and Andy does it so good. SAMBERG HEART EYES!!

“Nothing is real in here” YES SARAH UR LOVE IS

I’m taking Sarah’s asking Nyles to believe in her and leave with her as her first “I love you” because it’s very clear that she wants to leave with him rather than without. 

just- this entire scene i ugh <3 <3 <3 <3

BREAKING. UP. WITH. MISTY ! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

glass of wine filled to the brim? sarah’s my type of gal

the speech was really beautiful and sweet without being too cheesy and kudos to cristin for really delivering it like a pro! especially her “abe, don’t fuck this up” like yes girl kill him, chop him to pieces with your eyes!!! also camila is such really pretty bride

nyles looks like a cockatoo here :

nyles taking the shot and smashing the glass into the ground got me 🤭😵😏🥵

“I’m your son” I SCREAM

GIVE THE MAN A WHITE HORSE DAMNIT

Gotta admit Sarah looks like a bomb (lol nu pun intended) ass super hero in her bridesmaid dress and C4-gettup 

The sentence ending up being total grammatical gibberish but Nyles trying so. damn. hard is the sweetest thing ever and should and will go down in rom-com history. It’s super romantic but also well-balanced by humor and I just.. so good. This is the kind of characters and relationships I love and wanna write myself 

“you’re my favorite person that i’ve ever met” 🥺🥺🥺

“i’d rather die with you than live in this world without you” WHY AM I SO SINGLE SOMEONE LOVEE ME LIKE THIS 

okay so idk but “what if we get sick of each other?” “we’re already sick of each other. it’s the best.” is so so so soft, the way nyles says it like it doesn’t matter and is honestly another key moment for me: they’ve experienced basically everything imaginable during their time in the box/loop. they’ve liked, disliked, loved, hated each other and still: he loves her. the fact that nyles knows no matter what happens it won’t stop that because it’s them?? ouch my heart. 

this chaotic mess of a pairing?MESSY BOMB BRIDESMAID AND CURLY-HAIR HAWAII SHIRT-BOI!! MY OTp

Them dissing Nyles’ mom on their way into potential death? that’s love, baby 

the fUCKING KISSSSSSS MANNNNNNNNNN!!!! SO ICONIC AND THE EXPLOSION IN THE BACKGROUND AND JUST WE DESERVE THIS THEY DESERVE THIS EVERYONE DESERVES THISSSS!!! 

NEVER OVEER THIS EVER FOREVER NEVER

Ok so I was SURE that when it faded to black that it was done and I grew super ficking frustrated because it would leave us with this “the ending is up to whatever you chose”-kinda thing kinda a la Celeste and Jesse where it just feels unresolved and I WASN’T OKAY WITH THAT. So I’m so happy we got to know that it worked and the bebes will live happuilly ever after with Nyles’ shaggy dog:’) 

Their hands on each other’s knee >>>>>

all in all 100000/10 

[mesaprotector]

I finally finished the Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni VN today after three-plus months of inching through it!

I'd already watched the 2006 anime (as well as every OVA I could find - yes, including Kira). I've also been intermittently watching the new anime, Gou, but with close to no knowledge of Umineko or any other related series.

My thoughts under the cut.

In short, the VN was absolutely worth playing even having seen the anime. While I still do love it, the shorter time it has to spend on comfy slice-of-life scenes and character backstories mean it does suffer a little bit, in particular:

Keiichi is so much better in the VN. In the anime he had his moments, but I almost felt like he was mostly there to make the cast into a pseudo-harem. In the VN, he's just great, right up there with all of the other kids (well, except Rena, but more on that later).

Meakashi was already my favorite arc in the anime, but in the VN the tragedy hits so much harder, especially with Shion's final line, "I wish I hadn't been born".

The Keichii/Rena fight in Tsumihoroboshi felt weirdly offputting in the anime, and I felt the VN did a much better job of slowly shifting from the dark mood of most of the arc to its almost-happy ending as Rena relearns how much she loves having fun with her club.

Irie's behavior is pretty concerning in the anime, but in the VN he feels a lot more like a genuine good person who just jokes around a bit too much.

I remember already feeling that Miyo was a kinda compelling villain, but the part in the VN where she just grabs all of her pain and hurt and channels it into an incredible drive to excel and succeed (Matsuribayashi, Chapter 4) is freaking amazing, and thanks to that I'm always going to associate its BGM with Miyo, even though it's also played when Akasaka rescues Rika.

There were a few pretty small things I felt the anime improved on:

The anime-original "Reunion" episode and the Yakusamashi-hen arc were really good, and in particular the latter has my favorite Ooishi scene when he just freaks out in frustration over how powerless he was to stop the disaster. I really like Detective Delicious in general, but that one scene, even more so than any of Rika's, was really the moment I felt most "God, please help these kids".

Some of the perviness is slightly toned down in the anime, or rather, confined to the fanservice OVAs. (The exception is Irie, as mentioned above.) I did start to tolerate the story's humor a little better as time went on, but it's still a little much on occasion. 

The VN getting more in-depth was generally good, but there were certain parts where I felt it could have been condensed. Like, instead of cutting repeatedly to Akasaka during Matsuribayashi, just have him show up and rescue Rika (it's set up well enough with the fragments mini-game).

Speaking of the pacing, I initially played the Steam version but at a friend's recommendation installed the "07th Mod" with full voice acting and updated graphics for Himatsubushi and Meakashi. But I switched back to unmodded afterwards, since while the voice actors do a really good job, it slows the story even more, which is generally fine during dramatic scenes but causes the comedic ones to be something of an ordeal (the mahjong chapter of Himatsubushi, not least since I have no freaking clue how to play, was slightly torture).

I also feel that having voice acting changes the atmosphere to something much closer to that of an anime. If you're planning on only playing the VN, I'd recommend doing it all with the VAs, but as I'd already heard Rika say "Nipah" about a million times I was looking for a bit of a different experience.

===Some Thoughts on the Whole Story===

Higurashi's overarching message - that all that's needed for a happy ending is for everyone to come together - is something I often disagree with, and a lot of my other favorite stories take almost the opposite perspective. One anime whose ending I absolutely adore has the main character go off by herself and talk the main villain into a puddle of tears, winning the "final battle" of the entire series thanks to character development gained mostly from introspection.

But in Higurashi, for all that, it really, really works. Ryuikishi07 absolutely goes the extra mile, and as idealistic as it often feels, you can't help but come out of the story feeling that just about everyone deserves more trust, compassion, and understanding. One of my favorite quotations, from a book I read in middle school about a rabbit, is "things only seem impossible before they happen". Maybe it feels like two people, or a village, or a nation couldn't possibly meet in the middle, but they actually can, and they can accomplish things nobody would dream of with their shared will.

(I guess you could nitpick and ask "hey, when does Teppei show up to help defeat the Yamainu"? - lol - but I think the story does a really good job nevertheless.)

One other thing I just have to praise Higurashi for is that it actually resolves nearly all of its mysteries with a minimum of hand-waving, which is pretty uncommon for a mystery story, and I know that at least when I first watched the anime I was sure it would kind of invent an ending out of nowhere. There are magical elements, but they're pretty well set-up, and the one "miracle" that occurs feels very natural.

Rena is still my favorite character, even though Tsumihoroboshi was middling as an arc (meaning still amazing). When she’s sane, she’s the best friend anyone could ever have - Mion and Keiichi try, but their specific flaws mean that they’re dumbasses sometimes when they just want to help. It takes a lot of skill to write a believable, super emotionally intelligent character, which is what Rena is. That - and the scene where she hides in her happy place in the car during the rain was atmospheric as all heck. Being all by myself somewhere out on a rainy night is my comfort and my healing. Fortunately my own problems are more manageable than what she had to deal with in Ibaraki.

Overall: 9.5/10, whatever you might imagine that number means to me. The anime gets one point less, but it's still really good.

[dredreadsdrawing]

Oc-tober day 5: Old

For Day 5’s challenge, I brought back what I believe to be my first trans character haha. This will start as cringe plz bear with me. Im copy pasting the Quickie I had planned for a post in my writing blog.

PunchLine: Quickie Summary

Just suddenly grew nostalgic of this story lol. Notes before delving into the plot:

-        I literally started this story’s concept when I was in 5th – 6th grade and first watched Ouran High School Host Club. My kid brain was mad at Haruhi for not taking advantage of her passing as a boy so I made what started as a self-insert oc that gradually transformed into my first trans character ever. Whack, lol.

-        Just a side thing, most of my damn stories have playlists and I swear, All Time Low/All American Rejects songs are exclusively this story’s official soundtrack.

-        The main character’s name is super…. Wow lol. Please bear with me I might change it, just… this was a story I started making when I was 11 and really liked ‘unique’ names instead of conventional ones >X,,D

-        Please have mercy on my tiny weeb soul.

Lolol ok, plot start naw. Keep in mind I was very influenced by anime at this point of my life so I started this in a stereotypical Japanese setting but made it more Americanized over the years. Big oof.

Protagonist (I called em Echo lol) is a hella poor girl living pretty much by herself in a shitty apartment. Her aunt is her caretaker but she’s never home and she doesn’t work. Echo has to work a job herself to make money for food. She has a quiet personality, long, terrible hair with split ends everywhere, and a boxy frame. She works doing lots of manual labor, adding to her poor health.

Because she’s always been quiet, no one knows who she really is. She’s just ‘that poor girl who never talks’,  and they mostly leave her alone. One particularly shitty night however, after getting fired without her pay, she gets caught by some hotshot popular dude and his cronies with her work uniform on. Kids aren’t supposed to work. He takes a picture and threatens to turn her in if she doesn’t follow him. He’s just looking for some easy fun with a docile girl he can make do anything. She’s done being docile.

In true anime fashion she beats the hell out of these dudes, trash talking them the entire time. She’s merciless, bashing them all black and blue until they pass out. Only once everyone but the main instigator is down does she take his phone. “I have back-ups!” The boy exclaims through broken teeth. She looks at him and posts the image onto his feed herself. She’s done going to school anyways. She destroys the phone, laughing, and he loses consciousness. She gets up and dusts herself off.

She had a spectator. Some dude had watched the whole thing from his fancy car. He thinks he could use someone like her.

The following week goes as expected. She’s expelled. Her aunt came to act as a concerned guardian in front of the school but left immediately after. She took Echo’s savings. Echo is laying in her mattress on the floor, pretty much wishing to be dead when a knock on the door breaks her concentration.

Oh boy. It’s the spectator dude with two other boys (one of em may end up being cut lol). He has a proposition. She join their prestigious team from some fancy school for something (idk I initially had her join a mob lol but these kids are still in highschool. Maybe their fighting club?) and they’ll pay for her tuition and living expenses. But there’s a catch. The team is boys-only and she has to crossdress. She signs up immediately anyways lol. From now on, she will live as a boy (so I will use he/him pronouns).

Hmm… mayhaps the reason Echo has such a ‘unique’ name is because he chose it himself. Like the edgy teen he is. Cries.

Echo packs his stuff and goes with em. He hears the specifics about his new group. Eric is the leader, who’s father founded the group. He clearly puts on an aura of being tough and in control, but his delivery is too forced. The spectator dude that found Echo is his co-leader, a guy who actually knows what he’s doing, but doesn’t want to overthrow Eric because he thinks it’s funny seeing him struggle. He is a dick lol. Depending on whether or not I’ll use him, the third dude is Eric’s best friend from childhood meant to be the soft one who helps Echo settle at first.

Moving on, I don’t have a coherent timeline of events, just scattered things that will happen. For sure, Eric and Echo keep butting heads, mostly because Eric tries to control Echo and the group as a whole too much, and Echo is like ‘dude, your demanding for perfection only makes me want to screw things up more to show you how unhealthy your expectations are. And also cuz youre cute when you’re mad.’

Eric has a legacy to live up to. He’s the classic worrywart trying to live up to an image and failing. Echo was brazen at first with his trying to mess Eric up, but he softens as he realizes how much it effects Eric. They eventually hear eachother out and come to a compromise. That’s the start of their friendship.

Then, a year later, comes Kimmie. She’s Eric’s childhood crush. She’s short, she’s plump, and she has a rude attitude. Eric’s been a simp for her since he was a kid. He tries way too hard to make her see him as a romantic partner; she’s the reason he grew out his hair when he heard her casually mention she likes it long.

What’s his reason for liking her so much? When they were kids, Eric was plump too, but unlike with her, kids would pick on him because he always just took it. She defended him a lot, and her fiery personality mixed with her ability to hit kids and get away with it made her feared. He idolized her ever since.

She reacts to this as well as you’d imagine a childhood crush staying just a crush is handled. Meaning she clearly sets up walls around him and tells him he’s not interested. Echo, however, catches her eye.

After a P.E session, Kimmie follows Echo to his usual changing place and catches him with his top off. Kimmie knew Echo was a ‘girl.’ Kimmie explains she had seen Echo before his transition. Echo laughs it off, finding her brazenness cute. “So what now? You wanna tell the school?” “… I require you for something actually…”

Kimmie is dating Echo now. Eric is devastated. Kimmie flaunts Echo around like a trophy, breaking many girl’s hearts that had previously asked him out. Echo has to follow her around as a part of their deal, but he doesn’t mind it. The more he learns about her, the more he likes her.

Eric tries to confront him about it along with his friends. Eric’s approach is…. Well… “You’re faking this, right? You don’t like girls, you’re not really a boy!” “Dude, I like what I like. Deal with it.” This response further punches Eric in the gut as everyone laughs nervously.

Some big event comes and Echo is Kimmie’s plus one. Eric doesn’t want to attend it so he stays in the mansion. Echo is feeling the guilt of the situation more with each day that passed. At the event, him and Kimmie have a great time, but when they escape the crowd and are alone, she tries for a kiss. Echo doesn’t proceed. Kimmie is disappointed, but Echo explains.

“I know the real reason you wanted to date me. It’s the same reason you touch my chest so much, why you wanted to see me in a dress, and why you told Eric you like long hair. Kimmie, you like girls.” He steps away from her. “And I can’t be your girlfriend in disguise.”

Kimmie is floored. She begins to cry. Echo is right. She’s a lesbian but she never wanted to accept it. She kept telling herself she’d find the right boy, and when Echo came, it felt so perfect. She thought she could just slip in and pretend that she was straight. But she isn’t.

She apologizes. She says, however, that she truly does like Echo now. Echo sighs and rubs their neck. “You can’t like me Kimmie… I’m not…” Kimmie thinks it through. “But… you were a girl before! The only reason you’re dressed like this is because of the contract!” “Yeaaaah… but I kinda like it now. This feels…. Better. More me.” Echo grins with confidence. “I’m a man now.”

Kimmie takes Echo’s figure in and sighs. “Ew. I can’t be date a man.” They laugh and break up, Echo going back home. Kimmie returns to the party and is spotted by one of Eric’s friends. He asks where Echo is and she tells him everything. Echo is going home, him and Kimmie just broke up. The friend tells Kimmie some comforting words before running away to the hall to call Eric and tell him the good news. Kimmie is available again, and he can be more aggressive this time!

Eric is slumped in the couch after binging Netflix and eating a pint of icecream. When he hears the news, his mind is stuck on only one piece of information. Echo is coming back home. Instead of feeling happy about Kimmie being available again, Eric realizes Echo is coming back after a break up. His worrywart tendencies has him picturing a comedically sobbing Echo, ruthlessly broken up with by Kimmie, wondering how he could continue to live without her. He cleans up the couch and by the time Echo enters, he’s saved him a spot on the couch and his own pint of icecream. Echo laughs but sits right beside him, accepting the comfort, even if Eric doesn’t know the full story. They have a nice night together, and by the morning, Kimmie’s sexuality is revealed thanks to a picture she posted in her social media celebrating with a girl she kissed.

She’s officially out and happier for it. Eric congratulates her when they run into eachother in the hallway. She’s surprised he’s not as sad as she expected him to be, but she’s touched by how genuinely kind he’s being to her. They stay friends, and even get closer thanks to Kimmie now putting her walls down again.

Movin on to another story event, Eric’s mom has been away for most of Echo’s stay, but she comes back. Eric has made it clear that Echo should stay away from her, and never let her know his transition. She somehow finds out thanks to some mishaps anyways. When the contract is revealed, she is ASTOUNDED that her boy would force a GIRL to live as a MAN. She’s putting a stop to this! She takes Echo away for a weekend spa treatment, girling Echo up, talking over him through the whole thing, never listening to his complaints and only reassuring herself that Echo is safe now and free to be pretty and feminine once more! It’s the proper way!

Needless to say Echo is uncomfortable.

The more Eric’s mom talks about herself and her own life, it’s clear that her way of thinking stems from some issues she had as a kid, being forced to work and to give up feminine things, but Echo doesn’t feel like she did at all. And though Echo enjoys some of the spa things, and doesn’t much mind being put in a dress, he just… prefers a suit. Would rather stay at home training with the group. Would rather keep his hair short as opposed to the length Eric’s mom proposes him to grow it at. It’s a bunch of little things, but they culminate in solidifying to Echo… he just wants to stay a boy. He’s not being forced to be one. He genuinely likes it.

When they return from their trip, Echo is in a skirt and heels. He is dolled up with professional make up and styled hair. The group ogles him, but as comments get thrown around about how good Echo looks as a girl, Eric can’t feel the same. He just feels it’s too… off. He doesn’t bring it up, he’s afraid he’ll hurt Echo’s feelings. All his mom’s mutterings got to him, and Eric feels guilty for forcing Echo to live as a man. 

During dinner, he reassures his mom and Echo that they can get rid of the contract and Echo can live in their house and attend their school clause free.

Echo stops him right there.

“I don’t want to be a girl. I’m a boy.”

Eric and his mom are confused. They try to reassure Echo, but Echo continues. “No. No offence ma’am, but all weekend, you have talked over me, never listening to what I have to say. I don’t want to be a girl. I am not like you. I do not share your experiences nor your desires. I like being a boy. I like being called a boy. I like dressing like a boy. I want to be known as a boy.”

Echo gets up.

“I’m going to go change now. But before I go, I want to keep the contract. I have no problem with any of the conditions.” Echo looks at Eric and smiles. “I like being a part of the group and competing with you guys.” He’s flustered by his sincerity. Echo leaves. For the rest of the day, Echo is unbothered in his room, but when night comes, Eric goes up to bring him some food.

Echo didn’t really wash off the make up very good (damn that high quality stuff), and his hair is a mess. But he’s in comfortable clothes and he brings in Eric so they can hang. They talk about trivial stuff at first, spend an hour playing a game, and when it’s 3am, Eric gathers the guts to talk about it. That he’s glad Echo stood up for himself, and he sees him as a boy too. Echo bursts into laughter, teasing Eric.

“So that’s what you were so nervous about. I thought you were planning to ask me on a date.” More flustered Eric. “W-Why would I-“ Echo gives him a half hug that stops him, hiding his own blushing face. “Thanks…” Eric hugs him back. It’s yet another sweet moment before they finally get together…. In some other event in the future mwahahaha. Idk, I haven’t decided yet when they confess and actually start going out ;p cries.

Welp, there ya go. This is a story I still cringe at because of how anime it starts but damn these chars got me. I love Echo, Eric and Kimmie ;o; I’m sorry I’m a sucker v-v

[iamcinema]

IAC Reviews #010: Blood Lake (1987) [Retrospective #2]

"...I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him...“

Over the years, I’ve been scowering the Internet trying to find the worst of the worst when it comes to horror movies. I guess you can call me a glutton for punishment in that regard since some movies need to be seen to be believed, rather than looked into as an example of what bad filmmaking looks like. Whether it’s a problem with the acting, the writing, the technical specs, or all of the above, you know you’re in for a good [or horrible] time if it checks one or more of those boxes. When it comes to bad horror movie lists, not just shot on video ones, one film in particular seems to rule them all as it’s hailed as one of the worst movies of all time, if not the worst horror film ever made. This time around, I’m making an ill-fated return to the Oklahoma to talk about Tim Boggs’ lone directorial credit, Blood Lake.

________________________________________

Blood Lake tells the story about a group of friends who are being stalked by a mad man while on a weekend getaway trip at the lake. It’s not the most original concept out there, but hey, what else is new? It’s interesting that this is Boggs’ only attempt at being a filmmaker and the rest of his credits are attributed to being part of the sound department for notable films and shows like Lost Highway, Tales From the Crypt, Xena: Warrior Princess, The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, and Legion. That’s a hell of a resume, but that’s not what we’re here to really discuss.

I heard about the notority of this for years, and I decided to take the plunge with it nearly five years ago where I live reviewed it for Under the Morgue. Needless to say, I didn’t have fun with it and I don’t think I ever ripped into a film that hard up until that point. With the anniversary date of that review coming up, I thought it would be fair to do a retrospect on this to see if it really lives up to how genuinely atrocious I thought it was all those years ago.

Blood Lake in One Gif:

I think I need to lay down for this one. Do you know that feeling of nostalgia you get when you see, hear, or smell something that really takes you back to a better time? Well, whatever the antithisis to that is would describe the seething rage and horror I felt re-watching this.

________________________________________

While it’s true that some movies need to be witnessed to truly understand how bad they are, it’s also fair to say that some things shouldn’t be known by mere mortals - and this absolutely applies to films like Ax’Em and Blood Lake. They’re as cut-and-dry and boring as they are in premise, and a train wreck of a travesty in execution at that.

The quality from a technical standpoint is pretty damn atrocious, particularly during some of the nighttime shots since it can be hard to tell what’s going on and it feels like you’re squinting the whole time trying to tell what you’re looking at. The sound is just as bad, though sometimes it fairs better than the visuals, even if a good chunk of the time you can’t tell what the hell anyone is saying because they’re either too far from the mic to be picked up or it’s a dialogue problem with everyone mumbling, talking over each other, or fumbling over their lines. IMDB says the sound was shot with a single shotgun microphone, and yeah...it kind of shows.

C’mon. Look at this and tell me you can figure out what the fuck all is going on.

The writing feels almost non-existent as Boggs encouraged the actors to paraphrase the dialogue in their own words to I guess make it feel more natural. However, with how clumsy things are, it’s hard to really tell how much was ad-libbed or done by the actors themselves. The total direction and set-up with the pacing is absolute garbage and some of the worst I’ve ever seen, as it’s padded out with gratuitously long shots of them doing things like “extreme” sports on the water or a scene of them drinking at a table that goes on for close to ten minutes. It feels like the director left the camera on a tripod and accidentally filmed their lunch break. People have said this feels like a glorified home movie, and I get why. I’ve ripped on Las Vegas Bloodbath for how bad the filler was during its third act; as well as the opening dance sequences and the yo mama jokes in the opening of Ax’Em for needlessly dragging things out, or even the flashback sequences in Nick Millard’s films - even if they don’t exist within the canon of the story. Hell, Sledgehammer does this too by slowing down scenes in order to pad it out to a 60 minute runtime after being told it was too short.

When it comes to the characters, they aren’t anything special and are mostly forgettable. With this camp, I designated them to one of two sides of the field; boring and awful. All of them I’ve mostly shoved over on the boring side, as they never really do anything noteworthy or special, so I wouldn’t be able to tell you their names off the top of my head for the most part. However, some of the guys do teeter on being awful and annoying as hell, but one character in particular stayed on the shit teir side of the spectrum from start to finish - which would be Tony.

Oh, god. Tony....

This guy right here. This motherfucker made watching this the first time around feel like a total chore. But the second time around, and willingly so, it was like pulling teeth to get me to finish.

I don’t mind weird, perverted, sleazy dickheads who show up now and again, but Tony is a special case because his entire shtick is being a weird creep to the point of giving off rapey vibes with the other guys over how his goal at the end of the weekend is to conquer some girl he goes to school with. Bro, you’re like twelve, shut the fuck up. It’s beyond cringe. It’s insufferable, and prior to this, I said over on Under the Morgue that Alan from Return to Sleepaway Camp was the most unsympathetic “protagonist” I had ever seen. But now, compared to him and the majority of the characters from Await Further Instructions, I don’t know who is the most grating to sit through - and I spent most of my time on that review talking about how the zero level of characterization makes it so hard to watch. In that review, I said I can appreciate a scummy character if they have any sort of secondary personality trait that makes you love to hate them, or at least makes them tolerable. With Tony, he’s just an annoying, pervy brat who I guess is about as comedic and charming as a trench foot infection.

It’s pretty damn rare that I see a movie where I root for the villain(s) from start to finish because I can’t stand the majority, if not all of the characters. So, having to recall how many times I wished Tony would have drowned within the first fifteen minutes or had a joint stubbed out in his damn eye has proved to be more enjoyable than the entirety of this shit show, since the only tail he should have been chasing was the tailpipe of the damn car he arrived in. I was honestly surprised we didn’t get any Summer Camp Nightmare moments given how much of a creep the twerp is, and I still am now.

The fact that this is called a slasher film feels like a cruel joke, since after the opening kill, the next murder doesn’t happen until close to the fifty minute mark in an 82 minute movie (78 minutes if you get rid of the credits). Plus, because of the abysmal quality, you can’t even see them clear enough to tell what’s happening. It’s so frustrating to feel like you’d get more out of the death scenes by closing your eyes the whole time. It’s up there with Ax’Em in terms of quality and how much it feels like they cheat you, which makes me wonder why bother at all if it’s possible you can’t even see what’s going on when you were editing the damn thing?

________________________________________ 

So, here we are at the dreaded moment where I close this off with how I’d rate this. Is it as bad as I remember it being? Yes, if not more so. I had to pause and walk away from it for a bit to cool off and do something else because it was so tedious sit through.

It just goes on, and on, and on, which was only made worse by obnoxious characters that were a total hassle to put up with who could have been reduced to Douchebag #1, Generic Girl #2, and Rattail Motherfucker #1 based on how little they actually did to make me want to remember their names - and the ones who did were the most insufferable of the lot that I couldn’t forget them even if I wanted to. There’s little to no actual blood and gore, and with the very little there was, it was completely wasted in scenes that you can’t see clearly which is a damn shame because one of the kills could have had a decent reveal if it was shot better.

If I had to say just one good thing about the film to be generous, not counting that it had some kind of a reachable end, it was the mediocre soundtrack supplied by the band Voyager. It’s not good at all, but hey, if you like cheesy 80s horror soundtracks, there’s that going for it...I guess. With all that being said, I never want to see this disaster ever again. I’m trying to wrap my head around how people genuinely like this, even in a so bad it’s good type of way, and I just don’t get it. This, for me, is arguably one of the worst horror movies I’ve ever seen, and probably ever will.

RATING: 0.5/10

[sassyhazelowl]

Title: Life is What You Bake It Rating: PG - a few swear words, comedic violence Pairing: Lyon x Erza Secondary Pairings: Lucy x Levy, Gray x Lisanna A/N: A challenge piece. 10k in 10 days. Random pairing, random genre, random AU setting. Bakery AU. @dragonshost @impracticaldemon

Link to Full Story in Google Docs - Comments welcome and appreciated :)

Chapter 8

Well, if working around Erza had been difficult before, it was practically unbearable now.

“Gone nocturnal, huh?” Gray commented as he continued working on his sculpture. 

It was funny. As kids they could barely stand each other, as teens they hated each other, and as adults Lyon was willingly spending his free time hanging out with his brother.

Not that there were many other people he knew in the area - despite what he told Erza at the beginning of the summer, he hadn’t gone out of his way to get to know people outside of the bakery. What was the point? He was planning to leave in a little over a month anyway.

Summer was almost over, and plans hadn’t changed.

“It is quiet if I go in early.”

“And Erza isn’t there,” Gray observed, his eyes on the curve of wood he was sanding. “There’s early, and there’s keeping the owls company, Lyon.”

He could stutter out some excuses and deny everything. Gray would pretend to believe him and the subject would be dropped. But he was too weary to fight it.

“You said she was not my type,” Lyon accused quietly, without venom.

Gray reached for a can of lacquer and admitted bluntly, “I lied. She’s totally your type. Stubborn, socially awkward, proud, hardworking and genuine. But that’s not why I hooked you up with the job. Bro, I wish I had a picture of you at the beginning of the summer. You looked like crap before, all stressed and high-strung and pale as a snowman. You didn’t need a girlfriend; you needed some time to work on you and rest. Do you want me to talk to her for you?”

Before Lyon could answer, his phone buzzed. He almost ignored it, since it was mostly robocallers and scammers that had his number. But his previous job had conditioned him too well.

‘can u cum? emergen-c!!! :( :( :(’

Lyon’s lips pinched at the Freudian slip on Erza’s text but didn’t comment. He sincerely hoped auto-correct had struck again.

“You,” he pointed at Gray seriously, “Are not off the hook about tricking me. But we will speak later.”

Gray looked duly unimpressed. “Are you threatening me?”

“Promising. Be ready.”

Rushing over to the bakery, he wasn’t sure if he should brace himself for the entire place burned down to the ground or being out of whipped cream. Erza had a skewed sense of priorities sometimes.

So far, so good. No police. No fire trucks. No ambulance. Nothing amiss in the parking lot, which housed a number of customer cars. Heaving a sigh of relief, he pushed his way through the front doors and let out a slightly strangled scream of surprise. 

And tried to jump into Erza’s arms.

Lyon had never told anyone this, but he was terrified of dogs.

“Lyon?”

Fortunately for him, Erza’s reflexes were good, and she didn’t have those muscles for nothing. It wasn’t the most graceful of catches, but he didn’t splat on the floor into the clutches of the monster either.

He clung there for a good, long moment before Erza came to her senses and dropped him. If he hadn’t been focused on the beast, he might have heard some clicks of photographic evidence. Instead, he scrambled out of the animal’s reach as it clumsily lunged at him, tongue out and drool dribbling down it’s maw. Once safely behind the swing door of the counter, he subtly grabbed his chest and silently swore a string of words that would make any sailor proud.

“Wh-what is the emergency?” He tried for calm and collected. Several customers tittered at the effort but Erza was oblivious. She scooped up the dirty mutt, waving the monster around while it tried to slurp at her face.

“I found a puppy!”

“Hardly an emergency.”

She ignored his sarcasm, playing with the beast’s paws, “I need to take him to the vet. I bet his owner is so sad and missing him! Can you watch the front?”

If it would make the creature go away faster, he’d do the Hula. Of course, what came out of his mouth was an affirmative. The problem was, he’d never run the front. He didn’t know how to run cards or make the change drawer open on the register. And the espresso machine was a mystery. He might be the genius in the back, but Erza was the one that kept the front running smoothly.

It took some fumbling and a lot of trial and error but eventually he got the basics.

“Oh, you’re up front today. Where’s your girlfriend?”

Lyon glanced up at the next customer and was about to inform her that he didn’t have a girlfriend. Instead, his jaw clicked shut, and his brain reminded him to shut up. The woman was giving a wide smile, her manicured nails clicking lightly against the glass display, and there was a twinkle in her bright blue eyes. He studiously kept his gaze on her face because one glance told him her body was as gorgeous as her face, and while she might want the looks, he was a professional and a gentleman. Also, if she wasn’t a model, she should be.

She leaned forward to peer past him then looked a little disappointed as she straightened up.

“Darn, I was hoping to catch you two together! I love watching your baking lessons on Youtube! They’re so helpful and fun, and you two are a darling couple. Can I get two cranberry-orange muffins and a coffee?”

Gray.was.DEAD.

At no point did Erza ever give her permission to go up on the Youtube channel. Lyon forgot about Gray’s little project. Once a week the two would screw around, throw out a tutorial and then Lyon forgot about it. It hadn’t occurred to him that anyone would watch it, let alone be fans. Now he was thinking he should’ve been keeping a better eye on things.

Plastering on his best smile, he leaned forward a bit and turned up the charisma, “Not as darling as you. We are happy to have such a lovely fan patronizing our bakery.”

“Such a flirt,” she laughed playfully, giving his cheek a friendly, chiding pat. “Don’t let your girlfriend catch you!”

“Oh, I do not have to worry about that,” he smiled back wondering how he could get her number without being cliche. It might be just what he needed to get his mind off Erza and get back in the dating ring. He almost put his number on the cup but at the last minute handed it over blank.

She took her bag and coffee, “You’re cute but the good ones are always taken. Thanks for humoring me though. My name is Jenny, and next time I expect to see the two of you together!”

“Do you know her?”

He jumped, whirling to face Erza. She was still holding the beast, but at the moment, he would take the dog. Her expression wasn’t as innocent as her question. 

“A Youtube fan.” 

He didn’t know why he was so guilty. Nothing had happened, and Jenny was a sweet fan.

“Oh, next time you should offer your autograph,” Erza remarked, brushing past him towards the back. He almost set the record straight, but something about the way she was holding herself convinced him to hold his piece.

After all, it wasn’t like they were actually dating. 

[dodgefred]

peathers isn’t terrible. yeah the plot is bad and yeah some of the jokes are offensive but overall it’s not bad. i have seen the original movie and a few productions of the musical in addition to peathers and i have a few thoughts in response to the backlash i’ve seen. if you want to have a debate with me on this, please do so civilly. thank you.

“it’s a bad adaptation”

then watch the version you like. you don’t have to associate with this version if you don’t want to. the existence of this adaptation doesn’t mean that the original movie has suddenly poofed out of existence. it doesn’t mean that the musical is closing everywhere and the rights are never going to be sold ever again. support whatever incarnation of the story you like. adaptations aren’t meant to be carbon copies of the original. the heathers movie didn’t include pop-rock music, so why didn’t anyone complain about the musical not being exactly the same as the movie?

“it’s bad to demonize minorities”

i’d be lying if i said i haven’t met awful human beings who just happen to be lgbt or poc or fat people or of a certain religion. yeah of course awful stereotypes do exist and of course it hurts to have a stereotype pinned onto you when you’re not that. however, minorities can still be bad people. even if they weren’t, i doubt someone will use a tv show to judge all gay people. and if there’s some idiot who watches this series and thinks all trans people are power hungry assholes when they lay their eyes on heather duke, then i’ll eat my hat, but i genuinely doubt people are that ignorant- and if they are, then they probably don’t want to be watching a show that so prominently features minorities in the first place.

“veronica and jd are thin cisgender straight white kids who kill minorities...”

there’s some spoilers for the show in this one so if you actually want to watch this show, skip to the next point or something. in the context of the show, jd and veronica only physically kill about four people: kurt, ram, the pedophilic ex-teacher named mr waters, and when veronica was a child, she killed one of her best friends with a croquet mallet. oh, and the whole bombing prom in the finale thing. the other deaths may have been provoked but the intent was not to kill these characters (heather macnamara, slit her wrists in the bathroom at a roller skate rink; heather duke, was running away from jd and ran into a barbed wire, thus cutting their own throat) and jd did attempt to kill betty finn, but it failed because she was able to stand up for herself and beat his ass. everyone they succeeded in murdering (not counting prom) was white. kurt was the only minority out of them all, being gay. heather chandler did not die in the first episode, her throat was just blocked by a corn nut and she was unconscious. they intended to kill her, but they did not succeed.

“...and don’t face any serious repercussions”

more spoilers; skip ahead if you actually care. that’s the point. a big theme in this show is adults not paying attention, and it’s very relevant in today’s world. this theme is established very early on; in the first few episodes, veronica’s parents don’t look up from their tablets. veronica’s dad allows her to call him an idiot because he isn’t paying attention. and at first, it’s just that. it’s just the passing joke. but then, there’s a scene in the fifth episode where even though jd had instigated the fight between betty by forcibly kissing her and then trying to kill her, the police do not believe betty, despite her having exact times and jd not saying a word the entire inquiry. the theme of adults not listening once again comes up in the finale, when a boy overhears jd’s plan to bomb prom and goes to tell the teachers, who are preoccupied by telling heather chandler that her dress is too short. they accuse him of being high when he yells about the plan, and when he says fuck out of fear, they scold him for swearing. at the end of the episode, the teachers come to the revelation that maybe they should have listened to the kids. maybe no one would have died if they’d just opened their eyes. it’s played off as a joke within the circle of adults but from the point of view of a high schooler in america, that’s exactly how i would portray adults discussing that sort of thing: careless.

“it doesn’t show the original themes of heathers”

see the first point. but also, it doesn’t have to address the popularity themes that the original and its musical adaptation portrayed. it already addresses other issues, like how too much of a good thing can be bad, or the theme discussed above about how adults are doing nothing for youth in this country. it also shows a little bit of the dark side of popularity, and what people would do for just a moment of glory. and of course, the classic “i’m literally a child, so how am i meant to know who i am?” i honestly related to these themes more than i did the ones portrayed in the original movie and the musical.

“people don’t really talk like that or dress like that”

the impression i got from the original heathers was that no one looked or spoke like they did because they were on another level. it was deliberate. they wore what they wore and said what they said because they want everyone to know that they’re different. no one in the eighties said “fuck me gently with a chainsaw” before heathers came out. it’s the same with the modern version. the heathers want to be different. they want to stand out. their clothes are ugly and they talk weird. deal with it.

“the humor is problematic”

unfortunately, yes, some of it was problematic. the stuff that wasn’t, though, was actually lowkey funny. (spoiler) in the finale, there was a car chase between duke in an uber and jd and it was genuinely comedic gold. there are things that shouldn’t have been said, of course, but that’s with every piece of media. west side story makes a transphobic / sexist joke (something like, the teacher says “you kids get into two circles: boys on the outside, girls on the inside” and diesel says “where are you?”) but do you see people boycotting it because of that? i actually really had fun watching this series and while some of the jokes made me cringe, they didn’t take away from my enjoyment of the show. also remember that this is a satire and so some of the jokes they use contribute to that aspect of the narrative.

“the pilot is terrible”

yeah, i agree with you on that one. the pilot sucks. but once you get into it, the awkwardness becomes bearable.

listen it isn’t great. it’s not like some of the most venerated titles on modern tv like orange is the new black or stranger things. it’s got a weird plot and pacing and some things are kind of awkward. some of the humor is offensive and the characters aren’t exactly like their original incarnations. but it’s entertaining. it’s trashy and fun and it genuinely has some really important morals. despite it being pushed back for ages because of so many shootings, i wish it had been premiered earlier anyway. it opens up a discussion about what more we can do in the chaos of a new shooting every week in such a smart way. i’m surprised that there isn’t a single positive post about it in the tag. yeah it’s bad, but it isn’t the worst show i’ve ever seen.

[scrawnydutchman]

Paradise P.D: Animated Series Review

I’ve reviewed a lot of animated - and live action - shows and movies on my blog. Nearly everything I’ve felt the need to comment on has been seen in a positive light. I don’t shy away from harsh criticism nor do I actively avoid notably poor content; it just so happens that the things I’m most interested in discussing are things I have mainly positive comments on. Paradise PD has come along to break the mold. The genuine disgust I have for this series is a first for me. I hate this show. This is quite possibly the worst show I’ve ever given a complete watch. The characters are either heinously cruel or insultingly generic. The premise is cookie cutter and derivative as hell. The humor is forced, predictable and just depressing more often than funny. The animation . . . . oh God, the animation. I’ve had non flavored rice cakes with more taste than this show. It’s like anti-creativity. Even as I’m typing this Ii’m getting riled up just thinking about it again. Alright, let me calm down. Let’s break this show down piece by piece, starting with the writing.

Writing

*ugh, the animation in these gifs is terrible. I’ll get to it when I get to it.*

Synopsis: Kevin Crawford is an aspiring young police officer who is determined to prove himself to his dad, Chief Randall Crawford of the Paradise PD. Chief Crawford has a hard time trusting his son because of a firearms accident that occurred when Kevin was very young (the less details you know about that the better) but his ex wife mayor Karen Crawford forces Randall to bring Kevin into the department anyway. Kevin thus joins a motley crew of  . . .ahem . . . “”””hilarious””””” cops including Gina; the badass uber violent super cop who’s both the sex appeal of the show and has a fetish for morbidly obese men (yes, seriously), Gerald Fitzgerald; the Cleveland Brown of this show who’s basically just a well mannered  token black guy, Dusty Marlow; the morbidly obese innocent cop whom Gina constantly harasses sexually (and yet when male characters harass her on the show she threatens to beaten them for pervy comments, so . . . hypocrite), Stanley Hopson; an elderly officer whose whole schtick is being senile and doing gross shit . .  and finally Brian Griffin-I mean Bullet; the canine unit who’s also a drug addict . . . and being a drug addict is basically his whole shtick. They get into a bunch of wacky shenanigans, a lot of gross stuff ensues, yadda yadda yadda

So admittedly, this isn’t a bad premise for a show of this style. If Brooklyn 99 has proven anything it’s that a police department is a great and refreshing setting for a sitcom with tons of potential for jokes as well as diverse characters having great chemistry with each other. Plus it’s an archetype I don’t see very much of (I’d like to point out that I consider this different from the “buddy cop” archetype which is literally everywhere, because rather than focus on two cops it involves an entire precinct). This show is kind of like if Seth Macfarlane made a Family Guy spinoff centered around Joe Swanson (except that sounds a million times more amazing). But while Paradise PD sounds like a good concept for a show on paper, it’s execution is poorer than poor. Ironically for being such an off-the-beaten-path premise for a sitcom the show doesn’t take very much advantage of it. It’s not like the case in every episode is particularly interesting and it’s certainly not like Archer or Brooklyn 99 where the humor comes from the mundane nature of the job that nobody really talks about (filing a lot of paper work and performing basic job duties). Instead it’s premises about banging police cars that have AIs that behave like abusive girlfriends . . .which is a premise we’ve seen before. Or it’s about a father not understanding his child’s hobbies . . .which is a premise we’ve seen before. Or it’s about a fighter being overly confident in the ring only for his cohorts to discover he’s rigged to lose in the next fight . . . which is a premise we’ve seen before. Here lies the biggest problem of this show: it’s so rinse and repeat it’s insulting. For every episode this series has at the moment I guarantee the Simpson’s  has done it and has done it better. Or Bob’s Burgers has done it. Or Archer has done it. Or Brooklyn 99 has done it. Hell, Family Guy and American Dad are the most comparable shows to this besides Brickleberry for obvious reasons and as much as I have distaste for those shows even they do these recycled premises more justice than Paradise PD does. Basically the only thing giving this show a real identity is it’s intense gross out visuals which, given this shows shockingly limited animation style, gets stale very quickly. But what is Paradise PD missing that all those shows have in common (besides maybe Family Guy/American Dad)? The answer of course is likable characters.

Characters

*it’s worth mentioning that the intro is the only bit of decent animation this show has. In fact it’s deceivingly good. Be patient . . . I’m getting there.*

If the synopsis I gave at the beginning is any indication it’s that every character suffers from one of two problems; they’re either intensely unlikable or are bland overly used archetypes . . . sometimes both. Gerald Fitzgerald, Dusty Harlow, Stanley Hopson and Bullet are all archetypes you can find in every animated sitcom ever made. It’s the token black guy, the morbidly obese dumbass, the senile old man and the drug addict/self centered misogynist. They all have one joke and one joke only dedicated to each of them. They are walking talking punchlines. So is every character in this show, though everyone else to a lesser extent. Gina is my favorite because her backstory episode is the only one where I felt even a little bit intrigued about how one of these assholes came to be. Our leading man Kevin is a bland standin. He’s just an overly naive, wide eyed kid with a dream. He’s an empty husk for literally any kind of viewer to step in (except for women when it comes to the love interest stuff). The chief is an angry, pompous asshole. In fact every character is just a horrible human being. Even characters that are either overly innocent or are meant to be good natured like Kevin or Dusty are constantly selfish or arrogant in some way. I get that that’s just the way the show is written comedically and in truth all comedy is rooted in the flawed. It’s why a lot of sitcom scenarios are written around characters acting selfishly or stupidly. But there’s being flawed and then there’s . . . being relentlessly cruel. It makes it hard to root for any of these characters in the end, especially since the show also occasionally tries to have a moral center and because . . .well . . . y’know . . . everyone is bland as shit.

Cast Performance

So this is by far the best aspect of the show and the number one thing it has going for it. Why? Because the show has a cast that’s .  . . depressingly a bunch of all stars. Tom Kenny, Spongebob himself, voices the chief and he does a great angry authoritative father. Grey Griffin, the actress behind such favorites as Daphne from Scooby Doo, Frankie from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, Vicki from Fairly Odd Parents and Azula from Avatar: The Last Airbender, is the mayor and also turns in a great performance for what she has to portray. Not to mention the occasional guest like John Dimaggio and Tara Strong. If you’re any fan of voice acting chances are you’ll find a favorite of yours in this cast if not a handful of them. I say this is depressing because all of these people could do so much better. I get it, a paycheck is a paycheck, but . . . . imagine the immensely creative and stunning projects they could have been a part of instead. If a contract with Netflix is what you want, hit up Alex Hirsch! He’s signed on with them now and I bet he’s got something worthwhile! There’s not a whole lot to say about the rest of the performances, mainly because again, it’s hard to care about any of these characters.

Visuals (Animation, Design, Composition, Visual Storytelling, ETC.)

sigh . . . .okay . . . let’s talk about the animation. Before I go into it I just want to be real and sentimental for a second. I’m an animator. I just recently broke into the industry by working with Copernicus Studios . . . and it’s been nothing but a sincere pleasure. I’ve learned more about animation and Toon Boom in 4 months than I ever learned in 4 years of freelancing. It put into perspective just how much thought and effort goes into even the most minimal of shows. It’s a popular trend to shit on professionally animated content for looking such a way or moving in such a way but if those people only knew the countless hours and passion that goes into even just a couple of seconds of footage they’d never talk shit about these shows ever again. Not only that, but I’m an admin for an animation study group on Facebook with thousands of members from all over the world. Animators from every country and every skill level share their work for constructive feedback. Through this I’ve met many people who work in the industry . . .including someone who worked on Paradise PD. And I know them to be among the most skilled and masterful animators on the page. For all of these reasons, I will NEVER call animators lazy or unskilled if they produced a show like this. It’s typically the result of a certain type of direction or method of moving the production pipeline along. I have no doubt on my mind that every animator who worked on this show is wonderfully skilled and will do well in their careers going forward.

But this show does not demonstrate that. Far from it. This show goes out of it’s way to be lazy. It cuts so many corners they’ve made a perfect circle of hell. Just take a look at most of the gifs I’ve posted in this review. Notice the popping of proportions and lines in moving pieces. Notice certain features like noses or eyes that move around for no damn reason at all. Look at features like eyebrows where there’s no easing or seamless transition or any basic understanding of the 12 principles of animation aside from perhaps arcs. Just watch a couple of seconds of this show and count how little frames are in every motion. If you told me this show was made in Go! Animate I would believe you. This makes Family Guy look like Studio Ghibli. Maybe this show could have been more pleasant to look at if it had vouched for motion keyframes instead of what appears to be the occasional stop motion keyframe (users of Toon Boom or Flash will know what I mean) but even then there’s nothing to look at really. Add to that the eyesore of a colour scheme, the uninspired character designs that if I put them in silhouette you would not be able to tell what show it’s from, the absolutely barebones backgrounds that look like early 2000s Newgrounds cartoon sets and the unimaginitive shot composition that consists almost entirely of wide shots and medium wide shots and you have what can hardly even be defined as animation by mainstream televisions standards. The last show I reviewed was Matt Groening’s Disenchantment and while I had my issues with that shows animation, at least they were only errors a trained eye could see in a show that was otherwise appealing. Paradise PD is just a tragedy. The only positive comment I can make about the animation is that the FX department did a great job animating the blood and the boogers and any type of nasty body liquid . . . .and I am depressed that that is my one positive comment.

Audio (Soundtrack, Sound Mixing, Sound FX, ETC.)

*In case you thought I was joking about one of the episode summaries I gave earlier*

Like most of the stuff I review, the audio isn’t particularly notable in this show. There’s no memorable soundtracks to speak of. The sound mixing is fine. That’s really all there is to say. I’ll be honest; I’ll talk about remarkable soundtracks in this section or clever/bad sound mixing when I can, but I mainly just include this section so I can score what i’m reviewing in a way that adds to a 10.

Conclusion

Paradise PD is the worst show I have ever given a review for and quite possible the worst show I’ve ever made an effort to sit down and watch. Almost nothing is redeemable about it. It’s the lowest common denominator for animation and it unsuccessfully trades any hint of originality for unfunny shock humor. It fails not because of missteps, but because of a refusal to make the necessary steps in the first place.

Writing - 0.5/2- Below Average

Characters - 0.5/2- Below Average

Cast Performance - 1.5/2 - Above Average

Visuals - 0.5/2 - Below Average

Audio - 1/2 - Average

4 out of 10 - My most hated show thus far.

[theoldgods]

So I saw Lesley Manville twice in two days at the Brooklyn Academy of Music (BAM) (a movie screening with a Q&A after on Monday 5/21 and then an actual performance of Long Day’s Journey into Night on Tuesday 5/22), and it was fantastic. She is just as interesting and luminous in the flesh as she is onscreen, and her vibe is great. If you ever get the option to see her IRL, I definitely recommend taking it.

More details about each night under the cut for the curious.

Monday

This was a showing of Another Year as part of BAM’s “Two by Lesley Manville” film series they did in honor of having her in residence for the month of May (the other film, a few weeks before, was All or Nothing). Afterwards was a Q&A with her that lasted about half an hour or so. I’d seen the film before, but it was fun to watch it with an audience that was very engaged (they kept laughing at a lot of Lesley’s mannerisms as Mary, though they quieted down by the end when it gets insanely awkward and emotional for her).

The Q&A was great fun. To be honest it was hard for me to focus on what Lesley was saying half the time, since I kept like....getting caught up in my head in awe at what was really transpiring; I wish I’d filmed all of it (I filmed her answer to a fellow Lesley stan, twitter user @girl_hag, which was about Cyril, but nothing else). It was mostly focused on her work with Mike Leigh and on Another Year itself, and not a whole lot of new information that Lesley hasn’t said in like 20 different previous interviews came out, but the interviewer was quite good and kind of low-key also a Lesley stan? Interesting specifics I can remember:

Everyone applauded her hardcore when she came on stage after the film (the interviewer commented that usually Q&A audiences aren’t that excited) and she did these silly stage bow type things 

In general the audience was super into her talking, laughing at a lot of the little jokes she made and getting hyped for the brief Cyril discussion (more on that below)

Lesley was wearing the yellow and blue dress she wore for the Build Series interview a few weeks ago, with the leather jacket she always wears, and she took the leather jacket off after about one minute and just kind of...casually dropped it in a heap on the floor. (It has a silvery lining.) The usual rings (including a pinky ring gjfskgdg). I think she had an orange purse too?

She sort of plays with her earrings occasionally while thinking? I think this is visible in video interviews of her in general but it was lovely to see in person

She had a funny anecdote about meeting “a guy named Adam” on the train on the way there and wondering if he was actually in the audience or not

When the interviewer mentioned seeing LDJIN on the opening night, Lesley had some remark about how she had sort of lost her voice at that point and as a result she thought Mary Tyrone initially sounded “sexier than I intended” or something until she got it back

The interviewer had plenty of good lines, remarking that Lesley seemed very empathetic etc. in actuality (which made Lesley be like “aw thanks”), referencing the NYT profile that came out last week, referencing the internet’s obsession with Cyril, pointing out that she loved Mary’s line to David Bradley’s character in Another Year asking if he wanted a cuddle (#bigmood), and remarking that Lesley’s eyes should be insured by Lloyd’s

In general the questions from the interviewer were about Mike Leigh’s working/filming process, screen vs. stage questions and the use of the body in stage work to make up for not being able to see facial details (and the famous eyes), and similar

There were probably...4 or 5 audience questions? 

The first was the big one since Cyril stan @girl_hag asked about feeling like Mary but wanting to be Cyril and what Lesley would want from a Cyril spinoff, which made Lesley kind of laugh and be like “you know that’s never gonna happen right?” and talk about how she didn’t really see material there since Cyril is such a satisfied/fulfilled character already (her whole answer, and banter about Cyril memes and how women are Into Cyril, is up at https://twitter.com/girl_hag/status/998752343595388928).

Lesley is very polite and meets your gaze the entire time while answering you which meant she looked right at us for about 3 minutes hjbkljlkjlkj

There was a question about Paul Thomas Anderson, so Lesley got to talk for a few minutes about how she adores him, how genuinely kind he was, his working methods and the extensive shooting and reshooting he does, his willingness to collaborate with actors, etc.

I believe the rest of the questions were just more about Mike Leigh and specifics on his process, which were basically all stuff I’d read/heard before in other interviews, though she did talk more about how Mary was drawn from several different women and how slow and organic the process of cobbling it all together is, including things like coming up with the long list of things that befall Mary’s poor little car in the film

Everyone just left after the Q&A so we (me, girl_hag, and @afinpassing) didn’t try to talk to Lesley one on one or anything (that and we were trying to, you know, pretend not to be totally gone on her while in her presence), but as we were leaving the bathroom after she was standing just outside talking to a couple people who had waylaid her to ask about LDJIN, so we got to walk within about a foot of her on our way out

It was a great night, lots of fun meeting other Lesley stans IRL and walking around Brooklyn yelling about how beautiful she is (she really is...she looks just as beautiful in person, and just as brightly shining/luminous-perfect-skinned, can’t stress this enough dfjgksdfgfdg)

Tuesday

First and foremost, LDJIN is a long play--three and a half hours including intermission. Lesley is a huge part of it (indeed, the play sort of is about her character, thematically turning around her), but while she’s a big part of three of the play’s four acts, she’s absent from all but the last few minutes of the fourth act, meaning the last quarter of the play was kind of a slog in that I just didn’t care much about the men’s various issues as acted out on stage. That and the fact that this was going on at 10pm after a long day of walking around half of Brooklyn meant that I actually nearly dozed off a few times in the long 40 or so minutes without Lesley on stage; I couldn’t feel the male actors’ energy enough from back in the mezzanine, though maybe it would be a bit more urgent from down in the first few rows. (Most reviews mention how much the play drags here, though, so I suspect it’s not just me; I’m pretty sure this is a Known Issue with LDJIN in general as a play.) I’d say it’s worth it just for her overall if you’re really dedicated, but it helps if you’re into this sort of insanely depressing dysfunctional upper middle class familial drama stuff.

But whenever Lesley was actually on stage, she was wonderful, of course. For those who don’t know, her character, Mary Tyrone, is a self-described “lying dope fiend” of a woman who has been battling morphine addiction since the birth of her youngest son (who’s now in his early 20s), and the play takes place over the course of one long day in 1912 as the family is bumbling along and, as a result of some new stress in their lives, Mary is struggling not to relapse after several pretty good months. Lesley plays Mary as almost girlish, determinedly reminiscent of an imagined better time in her life before the dope, alternately acutely aware of her addiction and yet also determined to pretend it doesn’t exist. Her hands are a huge part of this--always stroking and twisting and nervously trying to sublimate her craving for morphine into these various physical tics and mannerisms. Also, all the cast use American accents, and while the men’s accents kind of warble throughout, Lesley’s is definitely the strongest.

Random points:

She’s quite awkwardly handsy with Jeremy Irons at multiple points (this adaptation definitely puts an emphasis on their relationship and the real passion, though it’s been faded and distorted by time and addiction, underlying it), which is kind of adorable

One of the play’s little underlying gags in the first half is that she’s “delightfully fat” now (after being skin and bones in the throws of her addiction the last time through), which means quite a bit of affectionate touching of Lesley’s stomach, particularly from Jeremy and from Lesley herself

There’s lots of both melodramatic and more earnestly desperate draping herself across the men in her family, across empty chairs, and so on, including her doing some semi-stoned entranced staring at her own hands, briefly

Mary as a character does a fuck-ton of rambling, both purposeful (to try to throw her family members off the scent of how badly she’s struggling against the urge to relapse) and more dissociative, which is alternately played for laughs and for pathos by Lesley and gives her a good blackly comedic underpinning in moments 

In the third act she throws herself face-down on the floor for a moment, and later she sits with her skirts rucked up slightly, both of which show the boots she’s wearing, in kind of a disheveled bit of tenderness

She plays the piano (mostly off-stage, but still) in a couple brief bursts

She looks good in Edwardian dresses and shawls? I mean, this is obvious from the stills, hah, but she wears them well on stage and moves wonderfully in them, sweeping and draping and everything

Crowd cheered the loudest for her of anyone in the curtain call, including Jeremy Irons (he’s fine overall, they’re all fine, but Mary is such a flashy role that she naturally draws the most attention)

Mary is just a really interesting, meaty, complicated, fucked-up character for anyone to play, and the fact that it’s a role that’s meant for older women is fascinating and just perfect for Lesley; I’m so glad she got to do something like this, and she manages to balance the insane physicality and mannerisms it requires without losing the naturalness and emotion behind it

Overall I’m very glad I went; part of me just wishes I’d had closer seats so I could truly soak up every last facial expression of hers. (I could see quite a lot from the mezz, but some of the finer details were inevitably lost, and as my eyes grew more tired over the night it became harder and harder.) I booked all this on a whim last month, though, when there was only about 25-30% of the house left, and trying to balance “decent seats” with “not paying 200 plus dollars when I haven’t had a chance to truly budget for that” meant having to settle for the middle ground of the mezz, and most of the seats in the front of the mezz were already gone by the time I booked, putting me near the back of the mezz. Also, I went to the performance alone, and after the great time on Monday with two other folks, I did kind of find myself wishing I could share Knowing Glances with other people who would appreciate a couple of the more carnal pleasures of some bits of Lesley’s performance.

Anyway: I’ve had fun in NYC! I got to meet @afinpassing in person and she is lovely, and I spent a total of about 3.5-4 hours sharing the same air as Lesley Manville, so that was, uh, great stuff. I just need to sleep now for an early flight, as I’m typing this, so I’ve probably forgotten some details that will come back to me over the next few days that I may edit in.

[notbecauseofvictories]

The Shape of Water: Review

I feel like I should preface this by saying that I have...zero background in cinema. In college, I used to throw pillows at my Film Studies friends any time they started talking about whatever grim Russian film was assigned that week. I think reviewers and critics make a big deal out of what is essentially the only question I care about: “Will this make me feel a genuine human emotion?” (Follow up questions, “If not, why?” and “If so, how?” are permitted, because I do recognize critical analysis of art is important.)

The point is: I’ll let more knowledgeable folks talk about cinematic quality and technical skill. I’m here to talk about how the movie made me feel.

Another side note: I do genuinely think that the most important thing that any piece of art can do is make you feel a feeling. It can be any feeling or any shade of feeling from sadness to joy and misanthropy to optimism, plus those harder to pin down emotions like the I-didn’t-know-anyone-else-felt-this mix of recognition, relief and understanding. Emotions are very particular and specific, and yet at once universally human; intrinsic to our existence and yet we’ve spent millennia talking about them as though there’s a fascinating and eternally unknown quantity. (Terence’s “Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto” was probably ironic, but it’s such a good phrase I’ll forgive him for it.)

Anyway, The Shape of Water did make me feel a feeling, but it was not the feeling I was expecting to feel.

Given the trailer, posters, marketing etc. for the film (and probably my own bias) I went in expecting the love story to be central---emotionally and to the plot. I was prepared to swept away by monster romance and the transgressive eroticism that comes with it. I was primed. I was ready.

Except that was not the story del Toro wanted to tell. Crimson Peak was his Gothic romance and love affair with the grotesque, and he’d moved on. Specifically, to the US in the 1950s, where the grotesque isn’t meant to elicit both empathy and disgust, but just disgust---and the 1950s has a long list of ways to be grotesque. (Conveniently, our main characters illustrate this: not-speaking, not-straight, not-white, not-American.) I’m not sure when the concept of “normal” came into being, but the US definitely rolled out its most pervasive and rigidly-enforced incarnation with full-page color ads and Leave it to Beaver. The American fantasy of the nuclear family and the suburban ranch, a Cadillac in the driveway 

But the American fantasy is just that, and del Toro underscores its artificiality multiple times. One of the early scenes features Giles---a gay alcoholic illustrator, played with incredible humor by Richard Jenkins---dragging Our Heroine, Eliza, to a diner for pie. As he’s ringing them up, the owner of the diner drops his southern twang and confides in Giles he’s really from Ottowa; the decorations and folksy character of the diner were mandated by corporate. The key lime pie they take home is bright, artificial green and Eliza spits it out, disgusted.

(Artificial green is a running theme, and always associated with the American fantasy asserting itself. Giles is told to change the color of jello in an advertisement from red to green before being shut out of the project for his past; when military operative Strickland, The Villain, thinks he’s on his way to a promotion due to his capture of the Fishman, he buys a “teal” Cadillac that everyone mistakes for green.)

(...I think del Toro might have cribbed some notes from Gatsby, but it makes thematic sense so I’m not complaining.)

Of course the problem with the American fantasy is that it is fundamentally dishonest, with nothing but money and power driving. There’s no emotional or human honesty there. “Decency is something we sell, son,” the Obligatory 5-Star General says to Strickland. “We export it because we weren’t using it.” The fantasy hurts the people outside it by pushing them further out; while Giles and Eliza have one another, they both articulate how alone they feel, simply because they fall outside the narrow boundaries of the fantasy. Zelda---Octavia Spencer, acting rings around everyone---is unfulfilled and unhappy, though she’s followed the script for her life.

But the fantasy also hurts the people who struggle to live within it. Strickland is an extraordinarily terrifying and convincing Villain, in part because he so clearly spirals over the inability to be the fantasy he aspires to. He certainly feels comfortable passing judgment and enforcing it; he calls the Fishman an “abomination” and refers to “your people” when talking to Zelda; tells Eliza he “doesn’t mind” that she can’t speak. After all, he has the car, the split-level ranch, the June Cleaver wife and the two children and the job---he fits into the fantasy. At least until he doesn’t.

(In an early scene, Fishman bites off two of Strickland’s fingers. Strickland has them reattached---he refuses to be “incomplete”---but the surgery doesn’t take. For the rest of the movie, Strickland’s fingers slowly rot, indicating his deteriorating mental state, and this is my favorite conceit in the entire movie.)

However, it would be a mistake to think that del Toro is dismissing American fantasies entirely. He has his Heroine live above a movie theater, and there’s a song-and-dance number like something out of an L.B. Meyer flick; Giles and Eliza watch black-and-white movies on their television and practice tap. Del Toro is obviously not turning his back on the sheer fantasy of the screen. Additionally, the action is bracketed with obvious fairytale narration---a princess, a prince, a monster. The main plot is the rescue of a prince from the tower and the final act involves Sleeping Beauty awakened to herself with a kiss.

But the difference between the American fantasy and the fairytale del Toro paints is that the fairytale comes from an honest and human place. It doesn’t exclude any character---in fact, as they come to believe in it, they find themselves freer. Zelda sees her marriage for what it is; Giles stops clinging to his old partner, his untenable crush on the diner owner; Eliza finds herself complete. Dr. Hoffstetler, who is secretly a Russian spy, refuses to kill the Fishman and shyly tells Eliza to call him Dmitri.

And in the end, that’s what I felt the most---when, one by one, the characters all believe in the fairytale instead of the fantasy and are freer for it. That’s where the emotional core of the film comes from. That exclusionary fantasies can be escaped, by changing the stories we believe in and tell.

This is not to say that monster romance isn’t an element! The relationship between Eliza and the Fishman is central to the plot, it is the driver for everything that happens. The movie takes pains to establish Eliza’s routines for the audience, so she can obviously break them for the weird scaly dude in the fishtank. But it isn’t the emotional core of the movie, and it isn’t trying to be. It’s the honest fairytale that punctures the fantasy, the Real Deal of blue and red in a world of artificial green.

And for those who asked: yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus fishsex.

Other thoughts:

It is an unexpectedly and extremely funny movie. It might have been the audience---they laughed at everything, it was infectious---but also I think that in making it very human, del Toro brought a brightness and a levity to the screen that just isn’t there in some of his other work. Plus, Octavia Spencer and Richard Jenkins are just a pleasure to watch, and their comedic timing is impeccable.

It is also a very violent movie? Not that del Toro has ever shied away from violence, but this was Tarantino-esque in places.

Michael Stuhlbarg is one of those actors that every time he’s in a scene, I can’t help watching his face. He had a smaller role as a USSR undercover spy/scientist, especially compared to Spencer and Jenkins, but I love watching him.

The fantastical elements. I mean, I knew they had to exist, because this is del Toro’s homage to American fairytales, but in particular there’s a sex scene....

I did find some of the nudity gratuitous, not...untasteful, just it existed more than it needed to. But that might have been because I was in a theater full of people, and I’m easily embarrassed.

Honestly, my only complaint is that I could have done with more romance, or more establishing shots to develop the attraction between Eliza and the Fishman. I didn’t get the frisson of chemistry between them, and while I don’t think it’s an enormous impact, I was disappointed.

[glittergummicandypeach]

‘Ramy’: A TV show for those who still care about religion

(RNS) — When he found the joke, Ramy Youssef had been searching for it for four months. It was the summer of 2015. He was back east visiting his parents in his native New Jersey and had driven his mom’s car out to Brooklyn to perform a quick stand-up set.

“I just started talking about what I was doing. I was like, ‘I’m fasting Ramadan.’” There were about 10 people in the crowd. “Oh your parents make you do that?” a guy shouted out. “I was like, no, this isn’t about anyone making me do this. It’s what I want to do.” Then the comic blurts out, “I believe in God. Like, God, God. Not yoga.”

“And there’s just this like, pop. Like a laugh,” Youssef explained during an interview over Zoom.

On the drive back to New Jersey, he said, he listened back to his set on his iPhone and then shot off a text to fellow comedian Jerrod Carmichael. “Dude, I think I found a joke.”

The first thing people tend to notice about “Ramy,” the A24/Hulu series written, directed and produced by Youssef, is that it’s the first American television show about a Muslim family. The show lives and breathes in the specificity of a millennial male raised in an immigrant Arab community in New Jersey, but what the show tries to reveal is something not spoken of much in public, and certainly not in Hollywood: people’s actual relationship to faith and to the greater questions of purpose and meaning.

The show is the product of the auteur-vision of 29-year-old Youssef, who has spent the last decade working as a comic and actor in Hollywood. It’s a culmination of what grew out of that first joke, and in two seasons has a firm grasp on a new comedic language for which to approach and to talk about spiritual matters in the generally secular, irreligious landscape of comedy and television. It’s only able to do this because it’s written from a deeply autobiographical place of ruthless self-interrogation, which allows the character’s questions to come through the screen with an authenticity that’s hard to ignore.

The character Ramy Hassan began as a fictionalization of Youssef’s own spiritual and emotional experiences more so than anything else. Oddly enough, Youssef didn’t build Ramy to be liked. He had an idea that Ramy would act as a representation of our lower selves, those purely egoistic unthinking qualities of our beings that irrationally oppose and battle our higher aspirations.

Actors Hiam Abbass, left, and Amr Waked, right, play the parents of Ramy Youssef's title character in “Ramy.” Photo courtesy of Hulu

But he’s not one-dimensional either.

Ramy is a well-meaning, earnest but immature seeker, and if he possesses any heroic quality, it’s his refusal to give up on his soul, despite his own seemingly constant moral failures. No matter how far he falls, he never loses the aspiration to be good, even when surrounded on all sides by forces that we recognize might stamp out that light of ambition if it were us in his shoes.

We see his world established in the pilot episode: On the one hand, he is a conflicted participant of a hedonistic culture of partying and sex, but on the other, he feels a spiritual strength and connection to his faith, despite elements of a closed-off, illogical conservatism. This all makes Ramy Hassan a most unusual protagonist, a character whose motivation is seeking a genuine connection to God.

“I’ve always felt like a very honest seeker, and I wanted to make work that felt like that. (Work) that felt self-examining,” Youssef explained. He came out to Hollywood at 19 years old, and in the first six or seven years appeared on a few TV shows and was doing regular stand-up, but he felt a yearning for his work to be representative of what was going on inside of him in a spiritual sense.

A poster for the Hulu series “Ramy.” Image courtesy of Hulu

He began by talking about his guilt on stage, mostly around premarital sex. Growing up and into adulthood, Youssef never questioned his faith, but he did start to doubt himself in it when he began to slip up.

“So much of my life I was saying, I want to do this the right way. I’m not going to have sex until I get married,” he said. “Somewhere along the way I broke those rules and then started to feel like the way the setup was around me that I should leave (the religion). And that made me really sad because I didn’t want to let go.”

The more a question scared Youssef, the more valuable it became for him to include it in his stand-up. If he got up on stage and didn’t feel vulnerable, or the most scared he’d ever felt to say something, it ceased to feel like the work he was supposed to be doing.

Taking a difficult feeling and then extrapolating the jokes and stories from it became Youssef’s art. “I’m putting myself under the microscope. And then, and then I started to think, oh, this will be really cool because I want these conversations to come up. I want this kind of self-examination to happen in our communities,” he explained.

Once he realized he could be a force to instigate real conversation and examination, Youssef brought together a team to build a show around this idea. “I actually have this vehicle where I can create this character for everyone to examine. You know, this character is not built to be liked.”

The show depicts a religious environment where every character except for Ramy seems content with the various mismatches between their beliefs and their practice of their faith. These are treated as humorous idiosyncrasies rather than as tragic character flaws — which allows them to serve as metaphors for the audience to pick up on unexamined faults and difficult questions we otherwise might be too ashamed to see and too afraid to ask.

In the first season, Ramy Hassan meets an earnest but simple white convert in the mosque who points to the moral lesson that undergirds the entire season: “You’re all like, I do these things and I don’t do things, so I’m this kind of person, right? It’s a trick of the devil, bro.” With this line and its characteristic non-chalance of Youssef's writing, the minor character delivers a deep spiritual lesson gleaned from the inner tradition of Islam: that to identify oneself with one’s actions is poison to the spiritual path. One will either despair because they see themselves as a sinner, or will be self-satisfied because of their pious works. The Sufis say a sign that a good action was not accepted by God is that one remembers he or she did it.

Season 2 proves Youssef’s vision for art can translate into stories outside of his own personal narrative. We are introduced to Shaykh Ali Malik, played by Mahershala Ali, the first person on the show who practices faith in a way that appears strong yet still relatable. He is a religious character who feels human, without being hypocritical. Ali plays a Sufi teacher whom Ramy latches onto in the beginning of the season, and he shows what a balanced approach to religion might look like.

Actors Ramy Youssef, left, and Mahershala Ali in Season 2 of “Ramy.” Photo by Craig Blankenhorn/Hulu

“Islam is like an orange,” Shaykh Ali explains to Ramy early in the season. “There’s an outer part and an inner part. If someone only got the rules and rituals, they might think Islam was tough and bitter … the rind without the flesh is bitter and useless. The flesh without the rind would quickly rot. The outer Shariah (religious law) protects the inner spirituality, and the inner spirituality gives the outer Shariah its purpose and meaning.”

Ramy offers up an entirely different set of questions in the second season. Ramy’s character appears better in some ways — he is, for the most part, no longer engaging in premarital sex, for example. But he’s swapped out that particular vice for a fairly regular diet of porn and candy. He tries to follow the instructions of his teacher but still continues to lie and not take responsibility for his actions.

Whereas the first season felt like an encouragement to the would-be religious, Season 2 seems like a parable for the religious: You might think you’re better because you’ve changed your circumstances, but without the self-examination and rigor Shaykh Ali represents, when tested, you will fall.

All comedy relies on tension; there has to be an inhale and an exhale. What Youssef has discovered is that the inhale can be used to take deep dives into the soul to bring out what was already there.

“It’s not about giving answers. I’m not in a position to do that. I would be idiotic if I tried to do that through any of the forms I create, but can I bring people closer to their questions? That seems to me to be my audience — people who need that, who want that, who are excited by that. Anyone who feels like they solidly have the answer probably hates my work.”

The first two seasons of “Ramy” are just the first few chapters for what might become a modern-day epic, an illogical and soulful morality tale for people who have questions they’ve been too afraid to ask or who are still interested in the future and health of religion in America. It’s a bizarre hagiography of a ridiculous man. Were Ramy Hassan a literary character, he’d be the Don Quixote of the spiritual path, marching forth in his mission with unending enthusiasm, undeterred by his own repeated failures.

This content was originally published here.

[supercultshow]

Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Bat Nipples” with a minor in “Ice Puns”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

This week winter has come at last to Supercult in the form of one of the greatest cinematic blunders in all of history: Batman and Robin!

Batman and Robin are back in the fourth film in the Batman superhero series and the second film in the series directed by Joel Schumacher. George Clooney stars as Bruce Wayne/Batman while Chris O’Donnell and Michael Gough return as Dick Grayson/Robin and Alfred Pennyworth, respectively. The dynamic duo are back to protect Gotham City from villainy, but when the cold-hearted Mr. Freeze and the enticingly toxic Poison Ivy attack tensions rise between the two heroes. Can the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder resolve their differences and save the city from certain destruction? Strength Now. Courage Always. Family, Above All. Batman & Robin!

As of 2019, this is the first and only appearance of Batgirl in a live-action Batman feature film.

According to a makeup artist, Arnold had potentially deadly costume effects. The battery for the LED lights in his mouth would start to dissolve in his saliva and leak battery acid into his mouth.

“Curses!” -an actual line from this already silly film.

Michael Gough: one of the only person to survive all 4 original Batman films (the other being Pat Hingle who played Commissioner Gordon). What a bad ass.

Someone please tell me how all these diamonds somehow combine into a fuel source for a freeze laser.

George Clooney and his stunt doubles went through 50 rubber Batsuits.

After the film’s negative reception, plans for Tim Burton’s “Superman Lives” have been shut down. The movie would’ve been a first attempt to have a shared universe between Batman and Superman, with George Clooney reprising his role as Batman, and with Nicolas Cage as Superman.

Is this a miniature? Is this an overly indulgent set? Does the audience care?? Do the ACTORS??

You want to have plants take over the earth and I want to freeze the planet. Sounds like we should work together!

Two Words: Bat Nips.

This gang is apparently called the Golums, but we all know they’re really called the ‘We Love Neon and Blacklight Club’.

The Batman costume was a 50 lbs. (22.6 kg.) rubber body suit with a 40 lb. rubber cape attached to the headpiece. Batgirl’s and Robin’s costumes weighed 50 lbs each. Mr. Freeze’s weighed 75 lbs.

Oh Bane…it would take 15 years before films did you justice.

I mean, yeah, this movie is bad. But Arnold looks pretty snazzy in his polar bear slippers.

Did we mention that Coolio is in this film? Well…he is. It doesn’t make the film any better or worse. It’s just…a thing that is.

From the opening frames of this film you know it’s going to be a treat. The foam latex laden suit-up scene seems to linger just a bit too long on expertly modeled bird buttocks, bat nipples, and caped crusader cod pieces. The opening would fit just as well in a high-budget Batman burlesque show. Oh, how optimistic the 90s were. The original Batman directed by Tim Burton seemed like such a long shot and paid off spectacularly. Burton discarded the camp of the 1960s Adam West TV series and adapted the atmospheric gothic noir of the 1940s…which is apparently an era when Batman couldn’t turn his head and has no problem with just straight up murdering people. Tim Burton’s version of batman was so iconic that it defined the tone, color, music, and even dialogue choices for the entire character for the next 2 decades. The next three sequels, Batman Returns and Batman Forever, stuck to the formula of the 1989 original for the most part. In each the level of camp was slowly cranked up:

Batman Returns: Let’s take up half the Warner Brothers lot with expansive water-filled Gotham City sets! Let’s focus even more on the villains and really hammer home the tragedy and the childhood pain festering into megalomania! Not only that, let’s have TWO villains instead of just one! Let’s get a combination of real penguins, actors in fiberglass penguin suits, and puppets for the villain’s evil missile-toting penguin army! DID I MENTION THE PENGUIN ARMY??

Batman Forever: They liked the two-villain thing, so let’s do that again. We’ll get another two actors at the top of their game to play ridiculous, over-the-top, gothic cartoon characters! Let’s go with Tommy Lee Jones, still riding off the high of his starring role in the Fugitive, and then Jim Carrey at his comedic height just a year after the release of not one but three of his most iconic films: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask, and Dumb and Dumber! Oh yeah and let’s swap out the director, the lead, the love interest, and paint the whole film in neon. These things aren’t meant to be dark, gritty, adult films! They’re comic book films for god’s sakes! We gotta sell toys to kids!

But here’s the thing Supercultists: If you’re going to be this campy you have to be either funny or endearing. Carrey carried Batman Forever and killed it as a genuinely funny and threatening adaptation of the Riddler. Danny DeVito, in his own gruesome way, made us feel for a Batman villain in a way that the batman animated series later sought to emulate with their reimagining of Mr. Freeze and the creation of Harley Quinn.

So, what happened? Was it overindulgence? Sure, scenes are campier and there are now not 2 but 3 villains: Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and a neutered version of Bane who serves as a glorified mook for Ivy. Perhaps the concept of pushing the art style even further strained the bounds of reality? Sure, Gotham was larger than life in 19889, but the 1997 version has gigantic futurist statues holding up the buildings as if Gotham was constructed on the corpses of a race of colossi. Perhaps the film lost some of the comedic charm of its predecessors. At last count Mr. Freeze utters something like 27 ice puns throughout the film and at times it can be difficult to discern whether or not the film is being ridiculous on purpose. The opening fight scene looks like Batman on Ice with the heroes literally clicking their heels together to activate ice skate boots.

Perhaps the problem is higher up than that… Was it the studio pressure to make the film more “toyetic”? The film’s design seems catered to the toy market with every character having a wacky light-up vehicle, set piece, or gadget that could function as an action figure. Batman’s new car features a transparent hood so that audiences can see the colorful spinning bat-engine as if hypnotizing children and adults alike into emptying their wallets at the nearest department store this Christmas. For crying out loud Poison Ivy even has a line “I’m a lover, not a fighter That’s why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with him!” *points to Bane* Perhaps it was simply cost? In their bid to get even more top-billed Hollywood names for the latest and greatest (read: only, unless you count things like Spawn) comic book film, Arnold Schwarzenegger was reputed to have earned $25 million for his approximate 25 minute on-screen role as Mr. Freeze, basically a million a minute. Not to mention Uma Thurman, the poster girl for Pulp Fiction, and the, at the time, up and coming George Clooney.

The whole film cost an estimated $125 million and was a modest commercial success but was a spectacular critical flop. With a 3.7 on IMDB and an 11% on Rotten Tomatoes, it’s no surprise that the film killed the batman film series and nearly killed the entire superhero film genre. The film was voted #1 in Empire magazine’s “50 Worst Movies Ever”, #5 in Entertainment Weekly’s Top 25 Worst Sequels Ever Made, and won a Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress for Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl (as well as 10 other Razzie nominations for everything from Worst Picture and Worst Director to Worst Screen Couple and Worst Original Song). Not Joel Schumacher or George Clooney defend the film anymore. When filming was over, George Clooney reportedly quipped, “I think we just killed the series.” He’s even been known to refund people who saw the film and has called the film a “waste of money” in spite of his admittance that it was the biggest break he ever had as a then TV star making the jump to Hollywood.

But we here at Supercult know it’s not the worst film (we’ve seen A LOT worse). At the very least it’s entertaining at times, hilarious at others, and always a feast for the eyes. Even now we can see the 90s superhero film influence on modern pop culture. The next few superhero films such as Sam Rami’s Spider-Man series still attempted to recreate the earnest wackiness of Tim Burton’s series while attempting to avoid the cautionary tale of Batman and Robin. Grittier remakes of batman still pay homage to Tim Burton’s Batman in their aesthetics, their music, and their tone.

Batman and Robin may be the worst batman film ever, but that makes it the best Supercult Batman film ever, bat nipples and all.

This is why Superman works alone! The Supercult show is proud to present Batman and Robin!

    Batman & Robin Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Bat Nipples” with a minor in “Ice Puns”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

[fourteenacross]

H’OKAY. SO. Last night we saw Dave Malloy as Pierre!! :D

We’d been planning this trip since they announced he was doing a series of shows--we knew we had to see him but we needed to make it work with timing and vacation days and stuff like that, so we ended up tagging this trip onto the front of my trip to Charlotte later this week, which inadvertently made it the first show after the Tonys, which we won’t talk about because I think I’ve made my saltiness on that front PRETTY CLEAR so far. With things working out the way they did, we decided that we should get a gift for Malloy to acknowledge how much this show has meant to us and that he won all the Tonys in our hearts. Initially I thought a plant was a good idea because flowers die and are also awkward to carry around. From there, my brain thought: well, we should put it in a box so he can just throw it in his bag. We should decorate the box. We should decorate the box to look like the theatre.

(At queer speed dating the other night, someone asked me which Parks and Rec character I most identify with. I said, “I feel like Ben Wyatt, but if you ask any of my friends, they’d say I’m Leslie Knope.”)

So, we decided all this on Monday night? So Tuesday was spent running around getting fabric and glue guns and putting all of this together. All of the little frames have pictures of members of the creative team. It’s PRETTY DARN CUTE, I’ve gotta say.

The entire day was a wild ride--we got the thing done just in time, then realized that my dad had taken my car keys with him so we were gonna miss the bus. Then he managed to get them to us in time for us to make the bus. Then the bus was stuck in traffic TWICE AS LONG AS USUAL. The florist was out of succulents and I had to run all over to find one. Literally run. I ran. With my legs and my lungs and stuff. It was the worst. But I managed to get to the theatre at 6:55 and use the rest room and get into my seat and chug a smoothie.

AND THEN THE SHOW STARTED!

First off, as you can see from the top picture that I wasn’t supposed to take, we were sitting in the rear mezz. We’ve only ever sat on stage before, so it was fascinating to watch the show from this angle. It made the lighting and set and choreography really come alive. I love sitting on stage--I love being at the center of the action and watching the show unfold around you--but I felt like I got a clearer picture of how the whole thing works as a cohesive unit from sitting in the mezz.

Still, the Imperial isn’t that big! Even sitting like, four rows from the back, I felt like we were right in the middle of things. And, bless that ensemble, the hardest working folks on Broadway, they were up and down the aisles even as far back as we were, dancing and singing and handing out shakers and playing instruments and who knows what else. At one point, Erica Dorfler was right in my face and she’s so pretty that I literally forgot how to shake my shaker, jesus christ. We had a great view of “Coachella Sonya” in the “Balaga”/”The Abduction” dance break, which I was into XD Also, Nick Gaswirth’s excellent dancing was only a few rows away from us.

There were a lot of tiny things I noticed from up high, too--Or and Nick Belton buddying around during “The Duel” and “Balaga”/”The Abduction,” the way Pierre reacts to things happening in the show as he sits in his little hole during the numbers he isn’t in, Anatole admiring himself in L I T E R A L L Y every mirror he walks by, though that might just be a Blaine Krauss thing XD “The Duel” in general was a really fun experience from up high--it was neat to see EVERYTHING instead of just being overwhelmed and in the middle of things. I was removed enough from the action that my brain had time to remember the first time we saw the show at ART when “The Duel” started and I was just like, “.....what the hell IS this show?” 

I know I already talked about how good the lighting is, but the lighting is just so fucking good, you guys. The tiniest, most subtle little changes, the way that all the lights slowly go out during “Sonya Alone” until it’s just the spot on her, the lights coming down from the ceiling one by one in “No One Else” like snow falling, the use of the bright lights behind the doors, THE COMET, all of these wonderful, tiny little touches. It was beautiful.

In addition to Malloy, we had two other understudies! Blaine Krauss as Anatole was A M A Z I N G. Some understudies have a problem with trying to emulate the performance of the person they’re subbing for, but that was NOT THE CASE here. Blaine totally made the role his own--his Anatole was delightful and outrageous and over the top and full of himself and vain and hilarious. He definitely had a funnier spin on it than Lucas does, and almost more immature? Like, Lucas’ Anatole isn’t exactly a paragon of maturity, but he wants to THINK he’s mature. Blaine’s Anatole is just a brat and knows it and owns it. His comic timing was AMAZING and he hit the high C sharp and he was overdramatic and fun.

We saw Azudi Onyejekwe as Dolokhov, too! I’ve been wanting to see him as Anatole, but his Dolokhov was great. Much like Blaine, he didn’t try to emulate Nick, just went his own way with it. His Dolokhov was cocky, but not as mean as Nick’s (not a complaint--both are great interpretations) and more laid back and fun-loving. Dolokhov is a character without too much to do (as mentioned directly in the Prologue XD) and it would be easy for him to fade into the background, but much like Choksi, Azudi really kept him front and center in the scenes he was in.

The rest of the cast was phenomenal as usual--Grace had her everything dialed up to eleven, Amber got some of the loudest cheers of the night, Denee is a literal angel upon this earth and “No One Else” was more heartbreakingly beautiful than I’ve ever seen it, Gelsey was amazing, Paul Pinto is insane, Nick’s Andrey continues to be SO angry, and I would TAKE A BULLET for Brittain I love her so fucking much. The ensemble killed it, I do not understand how a person can run up the stairs while playing the clarinet, but there’s Cathryn Wake doing it like it’s no big thing.

And Malloy. MALLOY.

I feel so blessed to have seen him do this on Broadway. He was incredible. I mean, obviously he was going to be incredible, but his Pierre is SO different from Scott’s and Groban’s. He’s just tired and hunched and distant and awkward and it works so, so well. He pours so much of himself into this character and it’s so obvious, even from all the way in the mezzanine. His “Dust and Ashes” made me cry and feel a hundred feelings--the resounding applause and cheers he got afterwards was so heartening. It kept going on and on and on and that made me get all teary too. He was hilarious in “The Duel,” both in the actual dueling and the lead-up song. Watching him watch the other characters was like getting a whole additional show for the price of my ticket--his emotional journey makes even more sense if you factor in what he’s seeing from the people around him as the story plays out. He and Denee and Gelsey doing “I see nothing but the candle in the mirror” gave me chills and I loved the way he did “Nothing matters--or everything matters, it’s all the same.” It was a really cool take on the line. He was great during the toast part of “The Abduction,” with a funny little pause before he started that was either because he was genuinely out of breath or entirely for comedic effect. Either way, it worked XD 

And, of course, the end of the show was beautiful. From his “whaaaat”s to Marya and his angry threatening of Anatole and desperate need to understand first Andrey and then Natasha...my heart. His spoken lines were so perfect and I started bawling in “The Great Comet of 1812″ and basically didn’t stop until the show was over. 

God, the end of this show WRECKS ME in a totally different way than something like Hamilton wrecks me. My feelings in Hamilton are all about the story, about Eliza and AHam’s legacy and all of that. My feelings at the end of this show are all internal--it’s how this moment is making me feel and the connection I’m having with Pierre and with the ensemble and the music at this particular point in time. It’s so hard to explain, but it’s like...cleansing. That sounds ridiculous, BUT THERE YOU HAVE IT.

ANYWAY, after the show we went out to the stage door. It was about nine hundred degrees outside STILL and it took me about two minutes to turn into a gross sweat monster. We were surrounded by all these sweet teen girls who looked perfect and refreshed and it was mildly hilarious. We chatted with people as they came out, including Scott who was smiling vaguely as he walked by until we said, “We saw you at ART and you were great!” and he did a double take and ran back over to talk to us. 

Malloy finally came out and got down to us around 10:30 and we talked to him and told him how much we adore this show and how great he was and gave him his dumb gift and I made him sign my Great Comet book and take a selfie. I do not remember most of this conversation, but I am pretty sure I didn’t entirely embarrass myself.

And then we left and got frappachinos because I was dying for a milkshake and technically can’t have them. And we went back to Port Authority and took the bus home and went to bed and THAT WAS THE END OF THE NIGHT. Whew.

[briangroth27]

Baby Driver Review

Baby Driver is a blast! After taking on zom-rom-coms, buddy cops, alien invasions, and video games, Edgar Wright’s heist film is my favorite of his movies yet. Wright first played with the idea of a getaway driver who timed crimes using songs in a music video for Mint Royale, and the expanded version is even better. While the broad concepts of the movie: a driver forced to continue working for criminals, “one last job,” etc. are not new, filtering them through music made the movie feel fresh and exciting.

The music, selected before Wright even wrote the film (here’s why he chose a few of the tracks), made for a cool, unique window into Baby's (Ansel Elgort) life. Baby was a solid, sympathetic lead, enjoying his ability behind the wheel even while wanting out of the crime business. From the trailers, I’d expected Baby to have a tortured-if-meticulously-cool personality, but Elgort made him a happy dancing idealist. I was pleasantly surprised. Baby’s tinnitus was a real-world handicap film heroes don't usually have and it provided a smart reason for planning his life around his tunes. An early sequence of Baby getting coffee as the lyrics of the song he’s listening to appeared in graffiti on the streets around him was a great way to physicalize the impact and importance of music on his world: it’s everything to him and it’s the stabilizing force of his entire life. When his songs got screwed up, like during a frantic foot chase or a heist that doesn’t time out as planned, his disorientation was a stumbling block we don't normally see in movies. Baby's hobby of making mix tapes of conversations was a cool connection to his mom's would-be singing career as well as another example of Baby processing and reshaping the world around him with music. Elgort displayed great range with his various scene partners, particularly with his roommate/foster father Joseph (CJ Jones), Kevin Spacey's Doc, and Lily James' Debora.

Doc ran a tight ship and Spacey was great as the ultra-cool (and scary, when need be) crime boss. It was clever to make him a twisted reflection of Joseph as a criminal “father figure” to Baby. Doc could seamlessly segue from protective and respectful of Baby to threatening and casually dangerous, making him unpredictable. With that in mind, I shouldn’t have been surprised at his reaction to Baby trying to leave with Debbie towards the end. Still, I bought it and liked that it revealed an unexpected layer of his character. Doc’s nephew Sammy (Brogan Hall), just as cool about crime as his uncle, was an awesome surprise that I didn't see coming at all. 

I loved that Baby and Joseph communicated in sign language, neatly displaying the flip side to Baby’s musical life. Even without saying a word verbally, you could feel their familial connection and the strength of that relationship was an unexpected plus. Jones’ expressions spoke volumes about how much he wished Baby could escape the criminal life (or at least do something to help his son) and casting an actor who’s actually deaf was a great move, as representation is important. While Lily James was charming and I was rooting for her and Baby’s sweet love story, I couldn’t help but think “you basically just met” when they were so hot to run away together and leave Atlanta behind. This could’ve been easily remedied by giving us a short montage of their relationship or even just a line that indicated a time jump between (light spoilers) Baby paying Doc back and Doc insisting he continue working for him (“What? I gave you six months off” or something). I also wish we’d learned more about Debora’s dreams beyond just driving west. Debora’s lack of goals outside the diner/Baby and their underdeveloped relationship were the weak points in an otherwise totally solid movie.

On the surface, Jamie Foxx didn't get an opportunity to show much range as Bats, but I didn't need him to be anything more than the total whack job he was. He was great as an unhinged trigger-happy criminal and he was truly scary for pretty much every scene he was in. As crazy as he was, he clearly wasn’t “Joker” insane: he’s a thinking criminal whose self-preservation instincts and impossible standards mixed with his shoot-first tendencies to create arguably the most dangerous character in the movie. We don’t get much background on anyone besides Baby, but I thought it was clever to have Bats reveal a hidden talent for reading people when he accurately guessed Buddy and Darling’s pasts.

Jon Hamm's Buddy probably had the most range of the criminals besides Doc, going from the one underling who seemed genuinely interested in connecting with Baby as an older brother-type figure to a much darker path by the last act of the movie. Hamm played it very well. I thought he and Darling (Eiza Gonzalez) had good chemistry and felt like a real couple; a modern Bonnie and Clyde. Her enjoyment of heists and general verve for life made her stand out from the typical gangster’s moll. Gonzalez didn’t play this obvious sense of fun as “crazy,” preventing her from coming off as a Harley Quinn rip-off; she simply enjoyed what she did and who she did it with. While Buddy seems to want to retire at some point (his potential white collar background indicated he might be above this stuff), I could see her having too much fun to stop.

The other criminals, Griff (Jon Bernthal), JD (Lanny Joon), and Eddie No-Nose (Flea) rounded out Doc’s crew in colorful fashion. I’d say Griff was a little too similar to Buddy in terms of style and Bats in terms of how he distrusted and antagonized Baby to truly stand out, but he’s in the film for such a short time it didn’t bother me. JD has some great comedic bits and a totally distinct demeanor from everyone else; I wish we got more from him. Eddie seemed like he had a wealth of character to him and I liked that he kept getting brought up as the inside man on Doc’s various heists (assuming his nickname is the “nasal problem” Doc kept referring to).

The romance is rushed a bit (though Elgort and James’ chemistry saves it), but the pacing is quick and the editing is flawless. I’ve always found Edgar Wright’s ability to choreograph and film much more intricate action sequences than you’d expect from the genres he works in impressive, and this was no exception: most if not all of the action was synched to the music! The car chases and action all felt very real and immediate; as smooth and polished as this movie is, it doesn’t feel like your typical CGI blockbuster because everything is happening for real. I will say that the armored car heist, foot chase, and climax were too loud at points (particularly the crashes) for me to comfortably hear everything, but that may’ve been the theater I was in rather than the sound mix of the film. Nevertheless, I liked that the soundtrack was a mix of familiar and less well-known songs and look forward to buying it. 

If you’re looking for something original and stylish to compliment your typical summer blockbusters, take Baby Driver for a spin!

 Full Spoilers…

-I was surprised Baby didn’t bristle at all under the paltry earnings he made as a pizza driver—he was just happy to be free and still got to drive fast in his legit job—and it's one reason I can't see Baby getting back into crime in a potential sequel at all. The movie even has Doc point out that Baby won’t be able to give Debora the finer things in life—and she isn’t someone who’d demand them—and Baby doesn’t give it so much as a second thought, so I don’t believe he’d find himself as a criminal again, unless maybe the cops asked him to go undercover. And I don’t think he’d do it even then. As much as I liked this world and these characters, this felt right as a one-and-done with a happy ending and doesn’t need a sequel. On the other hand, I trust Edgar Wright, so if he sees a story I’ll check it out.

-I thought for sure Baby’s tapes would come back and help exonerate him, so when they didn’t pop up at his trial to prove he was coerced into at least some of the heists it felt like a small dangling thread.

-In fact, I was surprised Baby served time at all. I totally expected a generic “he was coerced; let him off with a slap on the wrist” ending, so actual consequences to Baby’s actions was a respectable twist.

-I was surprised Griff of all people survived, but as my brother pointed out he did say, “If you don’t see me again, I’m dead.” haha

-At first, I didn’t like that Buddy went EVIL-evil because Darling died. I’ve gone back and forth as to whether or not she was fridged—killed just to make Buddy angry—but ultimately I think it’s her choice to open fire on the cops instead of standing down (and instead of standing behind cover, just like at the arms dealer shootout), which is consistent with her character in the rest of the movie. She has agency in that moment, even if Buddy pins the blame on Baby. Additionally, (as TV Tropes reminds me) if you take her warning to Bats seriously, Buddy was always this crazy killer and Darling’s death didn’t create it. Again, I feel like she was having too much fun to ever stop and was always headed for this moment.