#gaslighting myself into thinking I don’t get migraines

[sodacowboy]

sometimes deciding that no it’ll be fine is a great reminder that no actually it will not in fact be fine

[intrepid-lens]

It's been a while

Hey y'all, it's literally been years

I got diagnosed with chronic migraines, *autism, fibromyalgia, anxiety disorder, and got some surgeries done for other medical issues, broke up with friends, moved a few times, changed many jobs, and now I'm slowly getting my life back

I'd been in a fucked up environment for too long and although I'm not out of the woods just yet I'm finally moving past the shame, judgement, gaslighting, codependancy, trauma and threats. I'm learning to gain myself back!! I lost myself to someone who, despite good intentions, caused so much irreversible damage to me. This person has moved on and improved her life while I am picking up the pieces. I don't know how to trust others anymore. I don't know what honesty looks like, or truth. I gave everything of myself to this person and my love, my kindness, my honesty, it was soiled. My once open-self has been ruined by her displaced trauma.

I've become the person I hated most of all and I am learning how to love myself again.

I think what they don't tell you is even if you've already worked through the cringe, ableism, self-hate, ect, if you enter into an abusive environment, especially for years, there is hell of a lot of damage to the internal workings of oneself esteem. Humans are sponges and when it rains it pours. 

I am in pain, I am scared, and I don’t recognize myself. I'm stuck with responsibility to not displace my trauma onto others. I have to accept it in order to move on which is the hardest part. I turned into a person I don't recognize, done things that make me a villian.

No one in my friend group cares to know me. I’m damaged goods and I don’t want to do what she did to me and displace years and years of trauma onto another in order to grow. It fucking sucks. I carry her damage with me even if she’s changed. I am a reminder of her fucked up past and she is unwilling to look at my pain because it reminds her of the monster she once was.

I look at her as a monster because she was one to me and healing from that is gonna take twice the time it did for the shit I've gone through.

I have just a smidge of space to begin unboxing all this so here I am.

When I say this to her, her damage is downplayed. No matter how much I try our conversations lead to my mistakes, not hers. I have learned will always have something to apologize for and frankly, I have also learned I am safest when I give her the least to work with. 

When I told my roommate about this they didn’t give a damn. Said they ‘deeply care’. Well if they did they would have given me the time of day. Time to hear me out. I deserve to be heard!

I never once told anyone anything about her or our past and the first time I did, the one time I did, when I trusted another human with my pain my scars my heart, she turned around and told my abuser everything I said. I got called out for talking shit by the person who talked shit for years. It’s unfair and it fucking sucks. I was the one in her life who held her accountable and the one time I screwed up she tells everyone in my circle, now I’m the shit talker.

After years of my abuser telling everyone’s secrets to me I am the monster in everyone's story and it's a heavy feeling. I used to not care wether I was the monster in people's story. When did it change? Like I said above, people are sponges and I drew in a lot of toxins.

I deserve critique for the fucked up shit I did too. I'm also at fault. My fears and anxieties created a chain reaction. She would spount f'up shit and I would spiral and the fire would further. She got a husband and a house to build her a safe space. I get an appartment with a roommate who disrespects me and invites my abuser in at least once a week.

I am working with what I got. Which isn't much tbh. I go to work and her brother is there, her husband, and the ass-whole who tole my abuser everything. I cannot seem to find a safe place to fall. So it's been a while.

For the first time since knowing her I am choosing me. I’d rather be alone than to continue to let abuse hold me down. So I am alone these days.

I think...I think I got sexually assaulted the other night and I have no one to talk to about it.

So yeah, it’s been a while. I hope that maybe looking back on this post I can see the things that have improved in my life. I am not completely without and I will always remember the good things that did happen even in the abuse -a struggle all in itself. All I wanted was friendship, a partner in crime, someone who would go on adventures with me in this fucked up world.

I am learning to love myself again. I am learning to forgive myself for the person I turned into. 

So I'll continue to count the little things I have. My sisters, a library book, a rainy day, some stupid kpop mv's, and I'll keep on going.

*in the process of getting an Autism diagnosis

[ozai-the-bonsai]

I will be raging on and on about damn stupid f*cking hormonal birth control fyi I NEED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW

I have been using combi pills for almost 18 months now, the first 9 months were literally perfect compared to my previous experiences with the pills, I didn’t really experience any side effects. But then it started with the constipation cycle, where I would get constipated for a WHOLE FCKING WEEK every month either on the third week or during the week off. I mentioned this to my obgyn and she said constipation is normally not a side effect of the pills WHICH IS PURE BULLSHIT I HAVE RECENTLY FOUND OUT AFTER GETTING LOST IN SUBREDDITS FOR HOURS DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY WOMEN ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING CONSTANTLY BLOATED AND CONSTIPATED BECAUSE OF THE FCKING PILLS?!?!

Anyways I was gaslighted into thinking my body simply hated me but since I could not (yet) pin the bloatedness and constipation to the pills I did nothing. And it was fine considering all else.

Then my headaches got more and more frequent. I mean, I have never known myself without headaches, I think I have something chronic but they do even less research for headaches and migraines compared to women birth control so no hopes here. Mama has migraine, grandma had them too so OF COURSE I have it as well but mine is milder, without aura, however even though it is not always sooo bad that I want to scratch my eyes out, it happens too often for my liking. Moreover, if I don’t get migraines I get other kinds of headaches like whenever the weather makes me feel too much pressure or when it suddenly changes from summer to winter (which happens A LOT in Germany). Anyways, I give my best to avoid taking painkillers too often but I am tracking the shit and I now (in my exam phase) tend to get headaches four fcking days in a row each week.

I know I have always had headache problems but it has never been this bad.

Oh and not to mention that my obgyn prescribed me the pills with the lowest dosage of hormones since my only concern is not to get pregnant (and not to have my period shift +7/-7 days each month it was exhausting with pregnancy fear and so forth). I guess pills with even less hormones is not an option.

But the worst thing started three months ago. I HAVE LOST MY FCKING SEX DRIVE. To provide more context here, I have been like super horny ever since I can recall (ever since puberty hit and stuff), and I loved it tbh. Normally, my boyfriend and I would have some sexy time at least once a day (we got together a month before I started the pills) if we had enough time maybe more. But lately, he is glad if it happens twice a week. I have literally stopped thinking about sex and I HATE IT I USED TO LOVE THINKING ABOUT SEX!!!!

Currently I have constant headaches, I am constantly bloated and constipated more often than it is healthy and I have nearly zero interest in sex anymore. I mean, what it the fucking point of taking hormones to prevent pregnancy IF I NO LONGER WANT TO HAVE SEX, PEOPLE?!?

I just hate it. I started hating my body because I look like I am pregnant all the time - I have what some might call “a pilates body” like lean and low fat and some muscle and stuff, and my body doesn’t really hold fat so whenever I follow a good schedule it takes only a month for my abs to show. And imagine now how such a woman would look like if she were constantly bloated. I look literally pregnant all the damn time with my lower belly sticking out like a fucking balloon so I stopped wearing figure toning clothes I USED TO LOVE THEM

I will be switching to IUD in a month and initial plan was to switch to a hormonal one but I have been reading and reading and I am not sure anymore if I should prefer the copper one. I am completely lost. I won’t be returning to condom only because I have had more than enough accidents with it and had to take plan b before often times, this is a risk I simply cannot take. Plus the irregular periods make it harder to track when my ovulation can possibly happen…

Long story short: I hate the way birth control industry is only interested in giving the male all the freedom while showing zero fucking interest in the way all this stuff is effecting the female. Most doctors do not even ACKNOWLEDGE side effects like losing sex drive and constipation and bloating WHICH ARE MORE COMMON THAN YOU WOULD THINK, ask any women with hormonal bc experience for more than a year. I hate it all with so much passion I hope these people spend the rest of their lives constantly stepping on sharp lego pieces and having chronic migraines and I wish erectile dysfunction to the males involved in this business. Have a good day.

[house-of-slayterr]

Medical Rant!

Bruh, you’re telling me instead of just giving me the medication I was previously on for 3 years with my last insurance, my new insurance decides I need to try other things first (if they bothered to read my chart, I’ve tried everything else already and half of them made me violently I’ll, which is why I was on the fancy expensive medication in the first place), and charges me fucking $85… for a god damn partial perscription!!!

They didn’t even give me a full dose of this medication that I already know doesn’t fucking work (so I’m not even gonna take it), for $85… that like an entire days of work at my job before they take away tax… this is bullshit.

To people who think disabled people are “lazy” and “leeching off the government” no the fuck we aren’t! They continuously punish us for not being able bodied, and then call us sensitive snowflakes for being upset about shit like this.

This is the 9th month in a row they’ve denied me my migraine medications. I get migraines so bad I have seizures and partial paralysis (this can last a few hours, or the worst one, a few fucking months). The reason for them denying it “you need to have more than 3 migraines a week” wanna take a guess as to why I don’t meet the requirement? Because when I was on the fucking medication, it was working. I’m being punished because my medication was “working too well” so now I don’t get to have it.

I fucking hate the medical system in America, it’s a god damn joke: I say this with confidence having been in medical school and worked in a hospital. This is literally the main reason I’m moving out of state and just upending my life right now. (Hence not writing as much, but once I’m settled I’m bring back all my old series and a few new ones, don’t worry 🥰)

The hospitals have just decided I must be faking everything (even though you physically cannot fake symptoms like seizures, low oxygen, bleeding in the intestines, ect…) and they want me to go to a specialty hospital because they’re too lazy to just test for rare disorders. But the specialty hospital has been ghosting me for 3 years. And I decided I’m sick of just waiting around to die since apparently no one’s gonna take my health seriously but me.

I can’t wait to start feeling better, and Hopefully when I move and get new state insurance and reapply for disability, I won’t have to work myself to the bone just to afford to function and live like a normal human. I’m done being a pushover, next health official to ignore or gaslight me, is getting fired off my medical team, and I’m going to report them. I don’t care if I’m “ruining their job” maybe they should treat patients like fucking people, they’re doing it to themselves and I no longer have any sympathy.

I promise, most people aren’t trying to swindle the system or trick you. Disabled people just want to feel better and not be in pain and constantly on the brink of death all the time. That shouldn’t be too much of an ask. Yet everyone still treats us like we’re in their way and making the world worse somehow.

If this racist as hospital treats me like I’m “drug seeking” one more time, when I’ve never asked for pain meds, and have literally denied them before so I wouldn’t be seen as a “pill junkie” and hopefully get real help. Also if they give me one of the medications I’m fucking allergic to one more time, despite it literally being AT THE TOP OF MY FUCKING CHART!!! I’m gonna scream. Stop trying to murder me!

Fuck the government!

Fuck the health care system!

And more importantly, fuck ableism and inaccessibility!

[melodiousvoid]

Ok, so bit of a long-winded flip-out coming under the cut. Trigger warnings for a lot of things: medical settings, child illness, child near-death experience (kinda), nausea, surgery mention, malpractice mention (no detail), gaslighting (kinda?) and general health issues. We also discuss our traumagenic system origins and a few relevant triggers. We accept the risk of this, and fyi, are difficult to trigger in a way that’s actually a problem for us. There’s a TLDR at the end if you want the short version.

For context, my name’s Zadie, and I’m the eldest (chronologically) of our alters. I was both protector and host of this body between the ages of roughly 4 and 13. At this point, we’re fairly sure that our system initially split from medical trauma, as most of our historical triggers and compensatory reactions have to do with medical things. I front somewhat randomly now, often for several weeks at a time, and have had time to process a good deal of my trauma.

As host and protector, I had one primary characteristic: stoicism. My job, from the beginning, has been to endure. Whatever happens, get through it. I didn’t question it. It felt like a sacred duty, and I treated it like one. As a kid, I had chronic pneumonia, bad stomach issues, and what I now recognize as migraine symptoms (which sometimes, in children, can present more as chronic GI problems than severe headaches). Despite all this, we were a very active and fiercely independent child. The most serious issue we ever faced was an Appendicitis, which I’ll get into later.

Flash forward to today, what we deal with on the daily is constant vestibular migraine symptoms. That started at 19 for idiotic medical malpractice reasons. Prior to this starting, we loved coffee, and drank it regularly. Then vestibular migraines became permanent, and now we can’t drink coffee without being very nauseous. Now today I decided fuck it, fuck me up my beloved bean juice, I’m at a concert and it’s a treat.

Concert ends, coffee is of course fucking me up, and I’m feeling very nauseous while walking up the hill to my car. Without thinking about it, I felt like I made direct eye contact with the physical feeling of nausea in my body, and said “the fuck are you on about?! Coffee never made us sick before, so you can’t be making us sick now! You make no fucking sense, so you don’t exist. Get the fuck out of my gut you loser.”

And the feeling of nausea decreased, like, 60%. I almost stopped walking it surprised me so much. It wasn’t permanent, I had to do it a few more times on the way home, but it stayed effective.

Then, I remembered something that happened at 7-8 years old.

We needed an appendectomy, but didn’t know it. I’d felt sick for two weeks, but it wasn’t normal stomach sick, and the stomach pain didn’t get really severe until the very end. That said, it still hurt a lot. It didn’t make any sense to me, so I just told myself “what is pain? It’s just a sensation, right? How’s it supposed to hurt you? I don’t understand why this sensation translates to ‘ouch, make it stop’ in my head, so I guess I can choose not to translate it that way.” So I couldn’t stop feeling the sensation, but I chose to interpret it as not-pain, not-bad, and not-a-problem. And I went back to running around and climbing trees. Reminder that I was literally 7, had my 8th birthday in the hospital because of this.

Now eventually it got bad enough that this wasn’t ignorable anymore, I got the appropriate medical care, and fully recovered without issue. But this method worked for way longer than it should have.

Apparently I can gaslight myself out of medical symptoms (or at least the sensations of them) by dubiously fact-checking them.

Searing stomach pain? “Pain doesn’t exist. It’s just a concept.” Oh yeah! Pain canceled.

Anxious before a dentist’s appointment? “Why? Physical pain has never scared you.” Oh yeah! Anxiety canceled.

Coffee nausea? “Why? You didn’t do this ten years ago, why are you doing it now?” Oh, sorry. Nausea canceled.

Thing is, we know this kind of logic shouldn’t hold up. Not knowing why something happens doesn’t mean it can’t happen. I think it’s a confidence thing, like scaring off a black bear: you gotta make it think you’re the boss, you’re the bigger animal, and you mean business.

And this absolutely doesn’t work if someone else tells us “you’re fine,” in a medical setting or anywhere else. In fact that’s one of my biggest front triggers, someone invalidating another person’s pain, or our own pain, because it makes me furious. I know I’m full of shit, but I’m full of helpful shit. They’re just full of horseshit.

The only person who gets to gaslight me is me, and that’s final!

This doesn’t have much of a conclusion, I just wanted to share a strange experience. I think being (as far as I know) both our first host and first protector, simultaneously, has made my existence a bit weird.

TLDR: For the vast majority of negative physical sensations, I can respond “the fuck are you on about? Idiot. Unfollowed, reported, blocked.” And at least in my perception, the sensation will decrease. Wild.

[heirofgreen]

This tumblr is now my diary so readers beware of it being sad n cringe it’s a diary now so like.. that’s just part of the experience. Imagine 2014 tumblr angst but I have dyslexia and ADHD so it’s poorly written. ✨✨

Might get a lil dark in there? TW: for talking and negs of invisible disabilities

Three Peas and Invisible Disabilities

01/10/2024

4:41am

It’s technically Jan 10th 2024, but I haven’t slept so it feels like the 9th or the 8th or the 7th or it’s 2019 or maybe 2010 and I’m nine and curled up under my covers asleep. This is all a dream and I’ll wake up and start my real life soon. The life I wanted when I was nine. I know very melodramatic, but it’s 4:47am now so cut me some slack. I’m awake cause of ANOTHER migraine. Surprise, surprise.

That’s what they don’t tell you about invisible disabilities, you can’t see them either. They creep up on you slowly and you hear the floor creak and a brush across your neck, tingles of pain flick through your hair right down into you’. But you ignore all of the signs cause who wants to deal with all that’s at 4:49 in the morning when you haven’t slept?? Maybe it’ll just go always this time you think? (it won’t) Then all of a sudden surprising no one (accept you cause you’re always a little surprised) the invisibility cloak is ripped off and you realize you’re in so much pain you CAN’T ignore it but some how you do?? Because it’s 4:50am and you can’t be bothered to deal with your fucked brain, so it’ll just have to stay fucked because it’s to much work to get meds right now and you just want to sleep.

Ugh, it’s exhausting trying to gaslight yourself into being healthy. Sleeping would probably help with that but you’re in to much pain to sleep. Chicken and the egg sitch you know? Anyways.. I hate my brain and how it hurts all the time. How I can’t dance because of it. How I had to take MEDICAL leave from college cause you can’t go to school and dance 30 hours a week with constant migraines. I’ve lost a part of myself I might not get back. And I’m so angry about it. SO angry. I want to yank the invisibility off my body and see the pain physically there. I want to stare at it. I want to rip the pain out of my scull and stomp on it! Squish is, tear it apart with my teeth. I want to scream all the time at the top of my lungs. Sometimes I do.. highly recommend 10/10 experience.

It’s 5:06am now. I have so far I have successfully avoided pain meds due to my unwillingness to get out of bed. I’m nothing if not stubborn. Instead I’m rambling into my notes all cause if I don’t I’ll tell someone what’s happening and freak them out and it’s not worth it sometimes you know? My family is supportive and loves me but also has so much going on all the time. They can’t always deal with me. That sounds bad but it’s very human of them (not in a bad way.) It’s not that I think they wouldn’t want to help you know? It’s that sometimes helping me actively hurts them, but they do it anyway. I hate that they do that, even when I need them to. So yeah this one I can deal with myself. Just me and my depression, migraine, and notes app. Three peas in a pod.

Its 5:31 and I’m almost asleep thank god. Head is still shitty but sleep will help (prob) and I must sleep so I can awaken and pet my cats fuzzy heads. Very important business.

[gogoutori]

Life update ramble mostly to get my thoughts together.

I don’t think most people in my life genuinely know how sick I am... Its making me end up second guessing myself/self-gaslighting like “maybe I’m not that sick..?” or I’m somehow being over dramatic. But I’ve had several actually disabled people reassure me that I’m not crazy and this is pretty normal for ppl with chronic pain. I have head pain literally every day at some level now but I’m at max amount of meds I can take outside of starting botox as well which I really don’t want to do with my nerves already so screwy. At this point I’ve just normalized it and work around it. I’m really tired though. Thats the thing I think most people don’t get is just how much this shit takes out of you. I did not understand it. I had an educated guess being around my sister but I was not prepared to be put on my ass so much and not be able to just charge through to do things I used to anymore. It sucks and I’m trying to work through understanding it and giving myself grace. But I’m very harsh on myself by nature, so its not the easiest thing to do. On top of people not understanding the depth of how out of it I am, I feel kinda shit for how flaky I’ve been, but at the same time I need to remind myself that I’m literally not doing anything wrong. My health has to come first even if it makes others feel inconvenienced. My people pleasing side hates this lol

But I’m trying to get better at it. I didn’t officially make any New Years resolutions this year, but I’ve started to shrink my world inward since Jan and focus more on my own physical and mental health. Shutting off the news and purposely trying to focus on mostly positive things. Cutting out negativity has helped a bit cause stress is a big migraine trigger. (any heightened emotion can be, but stress and anger are easiest to tip into starting a headache that leads to a migraine) Simplifying my life to focus on happier things has been good ot my mental health too. I had a lowkey intervention with some ppl helping me realize I was far too focused on other people and their problems rather than investing in myself in a healthy way. I haven’t taken on a therapist again yet, but my last one pointed out that I have a very unkind attitude toward myself and will be far more willing to help others first before seeking help for myself, which when paired with my passive nature, I end up getting taken advantage of even if I don’t see it as that. I know this, but confronting it is awkward. Being selfish to me is buying myself nice things, now it means saying no if I don’t have energy to do something or letting myself rest. 

I’ve been trying to figure out new boundaries as well. I have to get better at voicing them though. Saying no is hard and I feel like I need to justify it with a reason instead of it just being an answer. I can’t be sure my decline in health is tied to my lack of selfcare in the mental department but I’m sure it wasn’t helping. 

Either way, I am on to trying to be healthier for myself this year. There are a lot of good things I’m trying! I’m investing a lot in trying to get my art stuff up and going again. I’m throwing my hat into new cons around the east coast and haven’t been flat out rejected from any yet, which is pretty uplifting seeing as my portfolio is more sparse than I want it to be. I met a lot of awesome new artists at toracon and I’m hoping to see some more artist friends if I make it into any other cons this year. I’m unapologetically into liking what I like rn. (trying not to think about what ppl think about my over tweeting art for what I like etc) I opened a DBA for my sister and I to do more collab stuff and help her take on bigger projects without it messing up her ssi. We have been brainstorming lots of fun ideas and are looking to turn part of the basement into studio space we can work out of. I’m sketching lots of new ideas for apparel designs and I will hopefully get my webcomic and store going by the summer. 

A lot of the good things in the works also hinge on how my physical health is, and I’m hoping to keep that looking better as well. ;w; Once we have more stable weather it should help. I lost about 10-15lbs from sleeping through meals or being too nauseous to eat, but once we have warmer weather I want to do a morning walk and eat something more regularly. I think a more stable schedule will help out too. It just gets thrown out of whack when you have to stay in bed cause moving makes your head throb. ;w; 

Writing all this down is cathartic for me in a way. like typing a little plan or update to myself. Even seeing post memories come up from past years like “I have a bad headache” reminds me I’ve been dealing with this longer than even I think I have been and I’m not crazy.  This whole thing is discombobulated, but its a snapshot in my life for now. 

Reminding myself to rest, that I’m not crazy, that good things are to come~

[bagog]

What On Earth Has Happened

Hey, no story here, no experiments. Just a play by play of an awful year in my life. Please don't reblog. Trying to just get it down in one place for people who care about me. Long, sob-story beneath the cut.

Air - 'Things are looking up!' I had started to drift a bit from tumblr. The porno purge came and a lot of my friends trickled off the platform after that. I went back to school, attempting to score myself a Masters degree in something that would pay enough to get me out of Student Debt. I was doing great, picking things up fast. I got a new job at a company doing pretty menial work, but the people I worked with were great conversationalists. The work didn't involve dealing with customers at all, paid well, and was small and accomplishable tasks. Essentially I was being prepped to take a better position at the place once I had my Masters. Covid happened, then. Earth - 'The Whole World Sucks Right Now' My company was "essential," so I continued going to work, now on weird schedules. The company I worked for was profiting off Covid, all the while making fun of it as an overblown conspiracy, even as their own epidemiologist urged them to take better precautions. Work became hard to swallow. Water - 'When your lowest place could be lower' The apartment I shared with my boyfriend flooded. The lowest place in any sewage system is typically the bathtub, such that if it backs up, it does so into that tub. Our lowest point is the toilet. So the apartment flooded. Three times. Roots growing through the sewage outflow meant that, often, you needed to wait a solid hour between toilet flushes, or else the toilet would back up with such gusto the sewage would slosh down the hallway and into the living room. We mopped many times. The problem was finally fixed 8 months later, necessitating our having to camp because our house had no water. Fire - 'To destroy all you've done' One afternoon, I smelled burning. Going to our bedroom, I found our shelf a column of flame. I could barely breathe for all the smoke, but I managed to grab a blanket and beat the fire out. On the other side of the room, the pages of the books upon another shelf had begun to crisp from the heat, the blinds on all the windows were warped. The whole apartment had been about to go up. I'm kinda scared of fire now. Heart - 'When moving is too much to ask' Personal health sorta hit a new low. Migraines kept me out of work for two full weeks. I have seasonal foot pain, I always assumed from hiking for a living in my 20s. Turns out it was gout, all the while. Gout is exceptionally painful: it's like a messy pile of razor blades in the ball of your foot every time you step down. At work, I could barely stand. Walking from my car to the door became something I needed to psyche myself up for. Not a lot can stop a gout flare-up once it's in full swing, so I just had to wait it out. For a month. Two. Some of the worst sustained pain I've been in. Little did I know that, in January, come the kidney stones. Kidney stones feel awful. Feel like total shit. Gout and kidney stones are comorbid--brought about as a result of the meds I take to help me focus. So any day I don't drink enough water is a day when my kidneys or my foot just starts aching. But going back to September of 2020... Homophobia - 'goddammit' Finally things are looking better. I'm limping quickly again. Then I am called into the HR office. I am told that two sexual harassment charges have been brought against me. I'm told that one individual has alleged that I, while in the restroom, used a reflective toilet brush to attempt to peep him under a stall wall. I did not do this. I do not understand--reflective toilet brush?? wtf. The second allegation: I just straight up looked over a stall at a guy. I didn't do this either. I'm asked to defend myself, I ask who or date or time of day. I am given nothing. I remark that I don't think I'm tall enough to see over the stall, and I do not understand about the toilet brush. Of the ten minutes of the meeting, I spend 8 of them trying to get my head around how a claim about a reflective toilet brush has me here. "Would you like us to go now to see if you're tall enough to see over the stall? If that would help your defense?" says the HR head. "Yes, I

would," says I. We did not go. I am told that the accusers have no reason to be collaborating, or to even know each other made a claim. This is bullshit, because it was a company of 80 people, and only a quarter of those employees used the restroom where my alleged harassment was to have taken place. Before I am dismissed from work for the day to go home and wait to find out if I'll be fired or not, I march into the HR office once more and say "I hope none of this is happening because I'm gay." The HR head looks positively offended. I got fired cuz I'm gay. Next day I got a call. They'd come to the "objective truth" (that phrase is burned in my mind), and were terminating me. Apparently they discounted the toilet brush rumor, after all. But they really honestly believed I looked over the stall at a dude. Nightmare - 'No Fear One Fear' Let me tell you something: this is a nightmare. This is my honest-to-god nightmare. I've been terrified of getting accused of something in a bathroom since I was 11 years old. I am incredibly self-conscious and careful in public restrooms. To be fired? From a place full of people I like? And all of them will think I'm a pervert. My boyfriend worked at the same place. He would now have to work there every day dealing with people looking at him and wondering what he must think of his boyfriend. That sent me on a spiral. I'm still out of work, almost a year later. It would have been the worst mental health crisis of my life if it wasn't for my boyfriend, my support network, and the meds I've finally been able to get ahold of. Oh, also. My two accusers? Were roommates. HR knew they were roommates. They basically collaborated on a story to get me fired. The story circulating around the place (I still have acquaintances I talk to working there) has dropped the reflective toilet brush entirely. I guess they thought it was too unbelievable. So anyway, the people who accused me are now telling a different set of events than what I was told. Absolute horse shit. Tried to go to my city's human right's council to see if my situation warranted further attention. I gave my side of the story--including tales of the straight manager who had had enough harassment charges brought against him that he was no longer allowed to meet female staff--which indicated I'd been treated differently and wrongly. My old job made an impassioned argument that the committee violated their First Amendment rights(?) ('Freedom of speech' is the biggie with the First Amendment, for people who cba re:USA). I won the vote!! But one member of the committee was missing. So there weren't enough people for the vote to pass. Dismissed. We took it to the EEOC to make an official federal complaint. Just a week ago, an agent of the US Government patiently explained to us that these laws are literally designed to fuck over the worker and protect the employer unless they are epically stupid, and unfortunately, mine had not been epically stupid. So there's nowhere to go, no recourse to be had. It's over, I guess. Family - 'How to sum it up quickly...' My family hit me with the old soft-disown. No more calls, no more communication. They think they are loving me by not having contact with me. By depriving me of my family, they hope it will make me realize that the path I'm on is destructive, and I'll return to them living an upright life. No. I'm living an upright life, now. And if my family can choose to throw me away, then they are not a family I choose. Then my dad hit me back two months later, absolutely gaslighting me and pretending we never had the disown conversation at all. Reality - 'I don't know who I am anymore' I have trouble knowing what's real, anymore. Every message my dad sends on the surface seems loving and supportive and plaintive. I feel I must be the one in the wrong. I got fired for bullshit reasons. It doesn't feel real. "My family can't possibly have ceased contact with me: that's one of those things I know can never happen!!" But that did happen. So what else that feels real, actually isn't? I do

mean to be so dramatic, and I won't apologize for it. But I truly do feel like my mind has been pretty thoroughly unseated by the last year. Whoever I am, I'm becoming someone different. More distilled, at very least. I've discovered a lot of things about myself: trauma that has likely led to a lot of my mental health problems. Discovered I actually have RAGING ADHD, and it has robber me of a lot of things I wanted to do, and now is sort of consuming me completely. I'm looking for help. Trying to get better. Here's hoping. Every bold point above could be its own book, for all my thoughts about them. But enough of that for now. Love you. Thanks for reading.

[newhologram]

I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

[marshmallowprotection]

Same anon.I’m not even sad at this point, just tired. But when I’m around my family or friends I’ve gotten so good at hiding how I feel that I begin to believe it. I’ve had 4 family members in the hospital this year(one was my dad but I don’t care about him anymore) and only like 3 friends were there for me, the rest who I told just didn’t care, and One of my close guy friends was leading me on and gaslighting me for like 2 months, and I e had to be strong for my friends and hide my feelings 1/2

2/2 I’ve had to push it all down and bottle my emotions up and I think that it’s all hitting me at once, and it just sucks. My cat is the one person who I can rely on to listen to me and give me love without judgement. I’m fine though, it just sucks, but I’ve survived worse and there are people who have it worse, yk? It is what it is. I’m sorry for unloading all this on you, especially when you have a migraine, I hope you feel better, and thank you for listening and giving advice

Don’t feel so bad about me, I’m fine. This is a distraction from my issues and it helps me focus on something other than that. If I didn’t think I could talk to you at the moment, I would have answered you in the morning. I enjoy helping other people, a lot like you do, but it took me a long time to learn that I can help people and I can help myself. 

This is why I said consent is important. Drawing a line is important. Always remember that for yourself. 

That’s masking, dear. We all tend to learn how to hide what we’re dealing with because we don’t want to bother others or we can’t show it because it may get us hurt or into more trouble. 

I’m sorry to hear that the people in your life put you through horrible things. You didn’t deserve to go through that and you surely are someone that is deserving of love and compassion. Depression isn’t about you being sad, it’s more than being sad, it’s being tired, numb, and worn out in ways that you may not quite equate to that. 

It’s hard to deal with. It’s not easy, and it’s even harder learning and accepting that you need to open up about it to get better. It’s always harder before it gets better because to treat yourself, you have to admit things and admitting things is hard for many people because it opens old wounds that you tried to hide and kick away and it opens things up that you didn’t even consider to be a part of the problem. 

I’m sorry that it’s been so hard this year. It is very noble of you to want to look out for others and to want to be the one that makes sure that things are OK. But, at some point that just starts to be too much because you start putting more on your plate and you stop thinking of yourself and your own problem and instead focusing on everything else. When you don't acknowledge that you need help or if you try to slow it down and forget about it just makes it worse.

I don’t want you to get hurt because of that. 

So sincerely think of yourself and your feelings here. There is no one that is more suffering or that is more valid field this sort of thing. 

It’s not a contest and nobody deserves to be heard more than another when it comes to mental health, okay? Suffering is suffering. No matter what kind of suffering and that means that everyone deserves to be heard and deserves a chance to get help when they need it. Yes, other people hurt, but you’re hurting too, and that means your suffering is just as real. It’s not more or less. We all have things that hurt. We all need help with it. 

I’m glad you have a furry friend to help but at the end fo the day, do consider speaking up for yourself. You deserve the chance to have your voice heard and after what you’ve been through, I think you would really benefit from having a safe space to talk to someone that will listen. 

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X11

I really loved this episode! There were so many things I liked! The thing I liked most was how funny it was! I died laughing! I was hollering with laughter the entire time! It was SO funny! I haven't laughed that hard at something in ages! I also loved the chemistry between Meredith and Hayes aka McWidow! I loved their easy banter and how well they worked together. I loved that Cormac could admit when he was wrong and be gracious about it. And the way they worked together in the OR! They were like a seamless well-oiled machine. It's really cool to see Meredith work so well with someone who has the potential to be a great romantic partner and whose on her level professionally! In all of her past relationships there was always a power imbalance. I love her and Cormac together!  

I love how in just a few short episodes Hayes has already endeared himself to Cristina, Jo, and Amelia! They are not easily impressed and he's already won them over! I love that! I think there's a lot of potential there. Meredith and Hayes aren't even dating yet and this relationship already has more support than any other she's ever been in. I'm so totally here for it! It's about friggin' time! Also what ship name are we using for Meredith and Cormac's budding romance? I've seen people using everything from Grayes to McWidow to McIrish! I'm a Grayes and McWidow fan myself so that's what I've been using so far. Now onto the recap. Meredith’s Voice Over this week is all about why people don’t go to the doctor and we open on her texting her favourite person: Cristina. I love their exchange!

Meredith: What do you mean by gift? Cristina: 🤷🏻‍♀‍ M: Professional or personal? C: 🤷🏻‍♀‍ M: I need more information!! C: 🤷🏻‍♀‍ M: You’re not funny

On the contrary Meredith I think Cristina‘s hilarious and she knows exactly what she’s doing. Wink wink. Amelia and Meredith are in the Attendings Lounge and following her text exchange with Cristina, Amelia asks Meredith if they’re have been any Maggie sightings today. She says she sent Zola up with food but she refused and that they’ll know when to push her. I love Meredith and her sisters! I sometimes wonder what things would have been like if Lexie had lived and Cristina had stayed. It would be cool to see the five of them together. We find out that Amelia has decided to tell Link about her pregnancy news but she hasn’t told Meredith as she has no idea what the hell Amelia is talking about.

Enter Hayes! He notices that a pregnant Amelia is struggling to tie her shoe and like the gentleman he is offers to help! Swoon! Meanwhile Meredith has no idea what to make of the man who last time she saw him bite everyone’s head off and drove her up the wall and is now tying her pregnant sister’s shoe for her. I love it! Amelia is impressed! Hayes offers Meredith coffee but she says she’s good. He makes small talk and then leaves. As Amelia says, “That is a very well wrapped gift.” Why yes it is! Meredith is annoyed as she still doesn’t know what to make of Cristina’s “gift” so she unties Amelia’s shoe! Haha I love it!

Meanwhile Teddy has lost her engagement ring! Which turns out to be a Hunt family heirloom. Oh dear. Jo promises to keep an eye out while Teddy continues to search. Next we find DeLuca sitting in a side room doing research. Meredith walks in. She tells him that he told her to take some time to think which she didn’t like because two people who are together should think things through together. Truth. When you’re in a relationship with someone and you’re truly committed you work and talk things out together. You don’t just throw a hissy fit over your own insecurities and walk away which is what DeLuca did. Instead of responding to this obvious truth and acting like he gives a crap DeLuca instead starts talking about a routine lap appy that he did on a patient whose not getting better.

Here’s what bugs me about this scene. Last week DeLuca was so eager to get back together with Meredith that he came crying to her sister, his ex, for help. This week he couldn’t care less about her and acts like they don’t even know each other. This guy is all over the map! They’ve rewritten DeLuca’s character so many times at this point I’ve lost track. Which is one of the reasons I don’t like him. He’s inconsistent, poorly written, and just an overall jackass.

Also I think it’s interesting that DeLuca broke up with Meredith because he couldn’t handle the fact that he’d never compare to Derek or be on their level skill wise but now that he needs help he turns to the great Dr. Meredith Grey for advice. Very telling. When Meredith wanted to be with him personally, he walked away because he couldn’t handle the fact that she was better than him professionally. Now that she wants to talk things through, he couldn’t care less and only wants her help professionally. What a loser.

DeLuca refuses to even address her comment and instead talks to her professionally as if they barely know each other. And he wonders why everyone hates him? Meredith is having none of it. Thank God. She tells him she’ll think on it and that he should fill Bailey in. Before leaving she leans over and whispers to him that she misses him in Italian. Meredith then turns and leaves. It’s only after this that we see any kind of normal reaction out of DeLuca. It’s as if he suddenly remembers they used to date.

DeLuca smiles and calls after her that he didn’t dump her, so she doesn’t have to miss him. Meredith walks away. Fun fact: that’s called gaslighting. DeLuca showed up to Meredith’s house after she got her medical licence back, compared himself to her dead husband, and then threw a temper tantrum about his own insecurities and how they weren’t partners and told her to take some time.

He then claimed to Link and Nico that he didn’t dump her, got schooled on it, and eventually went to Maggie for advice. He admitted to her that he meant what he said. Now that Meredith wants to talk instead of apologizing he’s gaslighting her. DeLuca keeps claiming he didn’t dump her all the while refusing to apologize or address the issues at hand. They’re not equals and they never will be. That hasn’t changed and he meant what he said so there’s really nothing to talk about here.

Also DeLuca claiming that he didn’t dump Meredith when in fact he did doesn’t change those facts. Also what is his plan here? Does he really think being a passive aggressive asshole is going to win Meredith back? DeLuca’s an idiot. Last week and the episode before that he whined to everyone about how he didn’t dump Meredith and wanted to get back together. This week she wants to talk and all he does is treat her with coldness and make passive aggressive comments. He’s first class idiot and Meredith deserves better. It looks like she may have found it in Hayes and I couldn’t be happier!

Another reason why I'm totally a Grayes fan? "Listen Grey this is your house, but someone gave me a key so maybe it's best if we try to learn how to live together," Is such a low key epic line. Like hot damn. I'm not one for pick up lines but damn son. Also I love that he follows it up with, "Welcome back Dr. Grey. I can see why you were missed." Like damn. He's been a pain in the ass to work with all day and he knows it, but he can also admit when he's wrong and do it gracefully and I love that

Also Hayes is so into Mer. He could have said anything to her as he exited the elevator and he goes with a straight fire pick up line about how someone gave him a key to her house so they should learn how to live together and he can see why she was missed? Damn. I'm so sunk. I'm so into this ship and Hayes has only been in three episodes! I can't wait to see more of Meredith and Hayes together! They have so much in common and they are such a slow burn! I love it!

I love that Hayes doesn't brag about being right about the vaping case. He totally could have and he chose not to. Meredith didn't brag about the Jamie Caldwell case and she totally could have and choose not to. I love that they have this mutual respect already. It's also cool to see a new male doctor on the show that doesn't brag and gloat every 5 minutes. Real talk that is one of the most annoying things about the remaining male characters on Grey's. I'm really liking this new guy.

Also I love that Hayes went from not understanding who Meredith was talking about at the beginning of the episode to being super curious and intrigued as to how she knows Cristina by the end of it. He definitely wants to know what the story is there. In other non-Grayes related news Amelia finally tells Link the truth that the baby might not be his. It’s heartbreaking and devastating to watch.

Amelia makes this great speech about how she loves what they have and why she loves him, but that she understands that he needs time to think. We’ve seen such growth from Amelia this season. I’m so proud of her. We get an update on the residents and find out that Bailey took some time off after her miscarriage. Of course Koracick doesn’t know that so he’s being his usual asinine self. We meet the patient DeLuca was talking about. Her name is Suzanne. She’s very sweet and has two very cute kids and a loving sister who want her to get better.

Even more tragic we learn that Suzanne’s partner died last year. He had a migraine that got so bad he went to the ER, but the doctors sent him home saying he would be fine. He died shortly thereafter so now her kids are terrified of hospitals. Oh god. Honey you are at the wrong place. They don’t call it Seattle Grace Mercy Death for nothing!

We see Hayes and Meredith meet in the hallway. Mer wants to address the elephant in the room and says she’s not sure what Cristina said to him and wants to know more. Only Hayes has no idea what she’s talking about. As soon as Mer realizes this she stops talking and says Never mind. Hayes isn’t deterred though and he keeps asking questions until she distracts him by asking him if he’s going to the pit. I love the ease that Meredith and Hayes already have with each other. I love the way she smiles when she talks to him and I love how persistent he is when it comes to the truth! It feels like we got the old Meredith back and I love it.

Hayes is confused as what the pit is. Meredith explains she’s talking about the ER. He asks why they call it that. Meredith says she doesn’t know. I love scenes where they talk about the medical language and slang different countries and cultures use. Right after they get there a 17 year old kid named Kai starts coughing up blood. They begin working together and start treating him. Meanwhile Maggie is still at home hiding. Richard comes to see her and through some ingenious text messages convinces her to answer the door.

During this scene Justin Chambers’ name appears and he is credited in this episode despite the fact that he does not appear. This makes sense seeing as episodes 1 - 12 would have been filmed last year while he was still under contract. Man I miss Alex already. Fun fact from this episode: Richard Webber can cook! This man is full of surprises. Who knew? Back at the hospital Jo comes to talk to Link who tells her about Amelia’s baby news. Just as they start to talk a man calls out for help and they run over to help him.

“All these blue pyjamas, I can’t get any help over here?!”  LOL this guy! It turns out this man swallowed an entire fish and then while being rushed to the ER his friend accidentally slammed his hand in the cab door to the point that it’s gushing blood! Yuck! Back at the house Richard is dismayed by all of the places there are to put food and the lack there of it! Some things never change. Aw! There’s a photo of Zola in her Day of the Dead outfit on the fridge! Also I love the Pac Man style ghost drawing! A+ for whoever’s kid drew that one!

Maggie just wants to be left alone. Richard refuses to give up. Meanwhile, Owen has the day off so he comes to see Teddy at the hospital. He wants to talk wedding plans but she tearfully tells him they can’t because she lost the ring! Owen reassures her and tells her that it won’t be an issue because they’re going to find it. Which admittedly is very sweet of him.

It turns out this guy knowingly ate a potentially poisonous spiky puffer fish from a bar aquarium at his bachelor party on a dare. Yep. That happened. I bet this isn’t even made up. I bet you anything someone’s actually done this. I love Jo’s line, “I honestly worry for your entire gender sometimes.” Hahaha Jo! Same here girl same here. Jackson, Jo, and Link scrub in on fish guy. Link tries to act like he’s cool with the whole unknown paternity thing and Jo calls his bluff.

As Jo says, “You can love her and be mad at her at the same time. Both things can be true.” Wise words indeed. Amelia goes to talk to Owen and Teddy only to find them looking for the ring. Owen gets a text saying Leo just threw up all over daycare so Owen and Teddy run off to deal with that leaving a confused and anxious Amelia behind. I’m confused as to why Amelia stayed behind. Leo is her kid too. Why didn’t she go with them?

Meanwhile Meredith and Hayes are giving Kai a CT scan. Hayes comments that he’s got a couple of boys at home that are Kai’s age. He says he had to read a whole book on brain function just to manage to forgive them for everything they do. Meredith laughs in response as Hayes tells her that he came home the other night to find the oldest one throwing a tennis ball as hard as he could at the youngest one’s head. And that the game was could his brother dodge it before he got brain damage. Meredith, being a parent herself, laughs in response because she gets it. She then apologizes saying she shouldn’t laugh at that because it’s actually not funny.

Gosh the way he looks at her! I just love it. I love their easy laughter and how they understand each other’s experience. Losing a spouse young and having to raise a bunch of kids as a single parent while running a department is no picnic. Hayes is just perfect for Meredith. He’s everything she needs and wants. I love it! Hayes then opens up to Meredith and explains why he acted the way he did the other day. He says it was a tough day for him and that he gets a bit dark this time of year because it’s when he lost their Mum to cancer.

He says he hopes that the two of them can start over and Meredith says sure. She’s been there and is there. She knows what’s it’s like to lose a spouse and get all dark and twisty over it. I think it’s great seeing Meredith with someone whose dark and twisty like she is. I’m tired of all this fluff. I want to see her with someone who’s as screwed up as she is. Who gets it. They can be dark and twisty together. Meredith asks him how long it’s been since she passed. Cormac answers that she’s been gone two years ago last week. Because she’s been there she tells him two years is tough but that it gets better.

As she says, “Two years is tough. Gets better. Not all the way better obviously, but a little bit better.” Meredith’s been there so she knows what she’s talking about. Hayes is about to respond when the CT scans pop up. I’m looking forward to seeing Meredith address being a widower more. It shouldn’t be the whole focus but getting to see and understand her experience as she moves forward with someone new who understands her pain is critical. I’d also love to see her talk about Derek and her other deceased loved ones more. Dating someone who understands that kind of pain could make it easier to talk about. You shouldn’t have to hide your love for someone. I’d love to see Meredith and Hayes go on a dinner date and talk about their dead spouses and what they do and don’t miss. You don’t stop loving someone because they die and Mer deserves someone she can talk about that stuff with.

She shouldn’t have to hide her love for Derek anymore than Hayes should have to hide his love for his wife. They need to be able to talk about that stuff and I look forward to seeing them explore that more. Meredith and Hayes look at the scans. The kid’s supposed to be an athlete yet he’s got the lungs of a 60 year old smoker. Meredith is baffled but Hayes says he’s seen this before. “I bet you a naggin he vapes.” Yikes! Hayes comes to talk to Kai’s Dad and his friends. His Dad is in disbelief but based on their reactions Hayes deduces correctly that the boys know something they’re not saying.

Telling them that this is no time for secrets Hayes gets them to open up and they admit that Kai vapes but don’t think it’s that bad because half the school does it. Cormac is having exactly none of that and schools them on the fact that vaping is similar to smoking in that you’re putting chemicals into your lungs which are meant inhale air not smoke or chemicals. Hayes shows them a picture of a healthy lung and another photo of their friend’s which looks awful. They act flip in response and he promptly loses it on them. Hayes tells them to get out of his face and that the stuff is deadly just as Meredith comes down the stairs. Kai’s Dad is freaked. Hayes explains that his son’s not dying but thinks the only way to help him is to repair his esophagus and remove part of his lung.

Meredith disagrees. She thinks they should try to stop the bleeding by coiling the artery which is the least invasive option and what she‘d want for her own kids. Kai’s Dad is swayed and says he wants to go with the option Meredith presented. Cormac concedes and says they’ll get back to him. As they walk away he tells Meredith he’ll defer to her going forward, she tries to make amends, but Hayes says that’s not necessary. He clarifies that he’s not being passive aggressive or trying to make an issue out of it. Meredith believes she can do it, Kai’s Dad wants her to try, so she should be the one to do the procedure.

I love this for so many reasons. If this same scenario happened with one of Meredith’s other love interest it would be a whole thing! Derek would have had a field day, Riggs would have been pissed, and DeLuca would have thrown a temper tantrum. Hayes? Nah. He’s cool as a cucumber. He’s not mad or upset. He’s doesn’t treat her poorly or patronize her. He graciously accepts defeat, defers to her, and moves on and I love that. Meredith deserves someone like that in her life. We all do.

They have some nice banter about how Hayes keeps accidentally terrifying his patients’ parents and he tells her he was trying to terrify the kids who are Kai’s friends from school. I love how easily they get along. Back at the house Maggie and Richard talk. She wants to be left alone. He wants to know why she quit. She explains about the mix up with the perfusionist and not knowing the protocol at Pac North. Maggie asks Richard to go and he leaves. Back at the hospital Teddy and Owen are looking after a sick Leo. They get an x-ray to try and figure out what’s going on.

And figure it out they do! It turns out that Leo ate Teddy’s ring! Over in the OR Meredith and Hayes are operating on Kai and she’s got on her mint green scrub cap today with the swirls on it. I like seeing all of her different scrub caps and the metaphor they embody about how she’s moving on with her life post-Derek’s death. Meredith deploys the coil while Cormac attempts to backseat drive which annoys her. He tells her he didn’t want to do it because there’s often a re-bleed and seconds later it happens.

Hayes wants to open him up, but Meredith thinks she can deploy another coil. Hayes tells her they don’t have time. I love their exchange in this scene. Meredith says, “I’m sorry,” and Hayes responds, “Don’t be sorry. Tried it your way. Now help me with mine.” He could have gloated and being a real jackass about it and said I told you so but he didn’t. He admired her willingness to try and when her way failed he didn’t gloat or make an issue of it. In fact he told her not to apologize and instead asked for her help in doing it his way. Because that’s what being a mature adult is all about. Accepting defeat and triumph graciously and asking for help when you need it. Just one of the many reasons I already love Hayes as a character.

Meanwhile, Jo, Jackson, and Link are still operating on fish guy. It’s rough going. “Every time I think I’ve seen the craziest, dumbest things a person can do the ER’s just like ‘Hold my beer.’” Oh Jackson! This line! LOL. Meanwhile Meredith and Hayes are still operating on Kai. He tells her in the interest of full disclosure that this isn’t the first time he’s had the debate about whether to coil or resect. Mer doesn’t find this very comforting. She responds with, “So I was wrong but I’m not alone? Thanks.” Hayes clarifies and says that last time he was on her side and he insisted on the coil even though his colleague adamantly disagreed.

Hayes says he didn’t even get as far as Mer did before it all went sideways. So Meredith asks, “Who was the colleague?” And Hayes replies, “Head of the Klausman Institute: Dr. Yang. Absolute nightmare.” Hahaha oh Hayes you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into. I love that knowing look Meredith gives him too. Elsewhere Bailey and DeLuca are giving Suzanne a CT scan. She does not like it at all. They rule something else out but still can’t figure out what’s wrong with her. Then Koracick walks up. He’s confused as to why the Chief of Surgery is doing follow ups on a routine appy and chastises her for it mockingly. Bailey gets up and closes the door in his face like a boss.

Just then Suzanne starts coding. For the first time in ages we see DeLuca whose Chief Resident actually practicing medicine. In an even bigger shock he actually does his job competently. Elsewhere fish guy is finally out of surgery. He’s trying to figure out how to his fiancée when she walks in. She is not happy. “You are dumber than a turtle!” She says. Can’t argue with that one. This woman is done. She’s had enough. She’s calling off the wedding. She says that last month her mother offered her $10K to push the wedding back a year and she told her no.

She realizes now that it was her not her mother who couldn’t see him for who he really was and this isn’t the life she wants. As she says, “When someone shows you who they are over and over you’re supposed to believe them.” Very true. Also I hope her Mom gave her that 10K after she called it off. Link seems to take this sentiment to heart although I’m not sure why. Amelia’s been open and honest with him and she’s better mentally than she’s ever been. Bailey and DeLuca promise Suzanne they’ll get answers. Back at the house Richard shows up again this time with groceries. I love this exchange. Maggie asks, “What is this? And Richard replies, “It’s called food. Let’s see what it’s like to actually eat some.” Haha I love Richard. He has the best lines. Maggie’s then talks about what Sabi meant to her and all the reasons Richard should hate her. In response he tells her about his Mom who died when he was 10. He says he doesn’t remember much but when he was upset, she would make them both pancakes.

And she’d say, “Let’s talk about it after you’ve had something to eat.” So that’s what he’s trying to do for Maggie. My heart. It’s nice hearing Richard talk about his Mom and learn more about his family. I like seeing him bond with Maggie more. Richard and Maggie have a heart to heart. He encourages her to get back into the OR. They talk about Sabi. Back at the hospital Owen and Teddy talk about Leo and the ring. He’s going to be fine but Teddy’s still distraught about losing it in the first place.

So Teddy and Owen reach a compromise. They’ll add some extra letters to her necklace to represent the whole family and put the ring in a safe for special occasions. And now Teddy has to sift through Leo’s poop. Isn’t parenting fun? Back at the hospital, Cormac talks to Kai’s Dad. They have a heart to heart and he thanks him for saving his son. Hayes meets Mer in the hallway. He tells her he won’t rub it in that he was right. She apologizes again. He chuckles and tells her that when he was on the other end Yang drive him mad.

He says she left him notes all over the place every day for months. “I was right you were wrong. Little pictures of respected lungs.” As Mer says, “Well that sounds about right.” I can so see Cristina doing that too! She’d think it was hilarious. She probably really liked Hayes as a colleague and he has no idea. Oh Cristina. Never change. Hayes is confused by Mer’s response and asks her about it, “Wait you know her?” Uh oh. Cats out of the bag. Mer tries to explain but can’t find the words. Hayes quirks some eyebrows and is intrigued.

In response Meredith stumbles over her words and then says, “Um ... I gotta go.” Oh Meredith. She walks away rather than face the truth as Hayes stares after her in confusion. I can’t wait to see this storyline play out! It has so much potential! Bailey’s about to leave for home but Koracick won’t let up. She’s finally had enough and so she tells him the truth. She wasn’t on vacation. She sat in her house for three days, drank tea, and cried her eyes out because she had a miscarriage.

He’s surprisingly sympathetic and tells her to light a candle. He tells her that his ex-wife Dana miscarried twice before their son David was born. He says that every year he still lights candles on what would have been their birthdays. Tom is such an interesting character. He’s a complete asshole one minute and the nicest guy you’ve ever met the next. Greg Germann does an amazing job portraying him. Also, can we talk about the fact that the man lost three children? His wife miscarried twice and then his son died young from a freak accident at school. 

It destroyed his marriage to the point that his wife eventually left to be with another man and he was broken he couldn’t do anything about it. Which is why Tom 100% did not deserve the crap Teddy put him through. That was BS. He deserved better. God dammnit. Also, I don’t understand why the other characters aren’t more upfront with Tom. He’s made it clear that if you’re upfront with him he’ll leave you alone. It’s only when he’s in the dark that he starts bugging people. Seems pretty simple to me. Just saying. Meanwhile, Link pages Amelia to the plant room. He’s upset she didn’t get checked out earlier and wants her to do a paternity test.

He’s calm and collected about it but also clearly upset. So is Amelia. She asks what happens if he’s not the father? He’s says he wants to be cool about it and say it doesn’t matter but he’s not sure how he feels yet. He says he wants to take things one step at a time. Amelia is devastated but she keeps it together as best she can. Watching her cry silently as her eyes fill with tears is gut wrenching. Amelia’s been through so much! I just want her to be happy god damnit! Also, I don’t get why the paternity matters so much. You either love someone or you don’t. You either want to be a Dad or you don’t. What difference do the genetics make?

We find Meredith running along a hallway. She runs into the scan room where DeLuca is pouring over paperwork. She says she got his text and suggests they go to dinner so he can clear his head a bit. Which is all very nice of her considering he dumped her over his own insecurities and has been nothing but a passive aggressive aloof asshole ever since. DeLuca in response bites her fricken head off and start shouting about his patient Suzanne and how he can’t help her. In response Meredith takes him by the shoulders and tells him to walk her through the case from the beginning.

Which again is very nice of her. If someone dumped me and then treated me like that I’d tell them to take a hike! I think it’s interesting that  Meredith’s Voice Over this episode is about facing up to the truth both good and bad and how important that is. In my mind this applies to her in two ways. One, she needs to own up and tell Cormac the truth about her and Cristina. Two, she needs to accept that her relationship with DeLuca is over and never would have worked out long term.

It also looks like Meredith is joining Suzanne’s case which could be interesting to watch. Personally, I’d like to see her work more with Hayes, but she hasn’t had a big case in a while so this could be fun. Next we see Bailey at the chapel lighting a candle for the baby she miscarried. My heart. Richard arrives home. Catherine’s not pleased to see him. She asks how his day was. He says it was uneventful. She says Dr. Wells from Pac North called looking for him. He tells her he spent the day trying to convince Maggie to come back to work.

She doesn’t believe him. He tells her their marriage can’t work if she doesn’t trust him. To which she responds, “Who said this was working?” Yikes! He asks her what she’s trying to say. She says she thinks it’s time for them to have a much bigger conversation. Real talk though I don’t understand Catherine this season. She’s been nothing but cold to Richard when he’s done nothing to her. Yes, he did something he shouldn’t have done while sticking up for Meredith but what does that have to do with Catherine?

For the first time in his life he’s married to someone he loves, he’s not drinking, and he’s not having an affair. That’s huge for him. What more does Catherine want? And he’s doing his best to be there for Meredith and Maggie as their surrogate father. All of the problems at this point are in Catherine’s head. He’s not cheating on her. He backed up Meredith because he loves her like a daughter. He’s supporting Maggie because he’s her biological father. That’s what you’re supposed to do for people you love for family. Sheesh.

Now onto this week’s promo! And it looks like we’ve got a stand-alone episode coming our way! It’s Catherine and Richard’s anniversary dinner and you know that’s going to be awkward! And it looks like Jackson invited Vic for some reason who invited Dean! Maggie is also in attendance. Oh boy. This is going to be one awkward dinner.

Until then!

[notyourmomslesbian]

I have been out of school/ having trouble going to school for a while now because of mental health + chronic illnesses (endometriosis, fibromyalgia, Tourette’s, migraines, anxiety, depression, etc) and now because of that instead of giving me help or support, tomorrow if I don’t go I will lose everything I have and be left to sit in a dark room alone.

My sister was the last support I had, but she decided to 1. Threaten me (tried to put me in the hospital, threatened to have people drag me into school/hospital, threatened to bring me to my grandparents who think I’m faking so they could scream at me) 2. Call me crazy (told me I was insane, delusional, etc) 3. Accuse me of being bipolar (I’m not, literally no one else thinks this including my mom who has been married to a bipolar man for 23 years and my other sister who is bipolar) and 4. Tell me I was wasting everyone’s time and that everyone was done with me.

Because of PTSD/C-PTSD induced terror and threats to my safety caused by my abusive father, I can’t leave my room while he’s home to get food, and if I do dare to leave I have to get my mom to text me where he is. My mom, by the way, has “agreed” with me and my therapist that I shouldn’t interact with my dad, and afterwards forced me to be around him, defended him, etc. She’s told me I’m lying when I say I have lived in terror my whole life because of my dad. She gaslighted me every time I tried to beg her for help or tell her how I felt. I spent my formative years horribly guilty for not being able to love him/thinking what he did to me was wrong. I forced myself to be around him and pretend things were ok (I was also threatened with violence if I didn’t). I lied to doctors and therapists and said I wasn’t abused because I felt guilty about ruining my family’s lives.

I don’t have any friends since I’ve been out of school and the friends I did have never talked to me outside of school/school events. No one has checked on me even though they have my phone number. I have literally no one left and now I’m going to have even less. No phone (including the old one I use for exclusively music), no laptop, nothing. I can’t function enough to go to school, and my anxiety causes me panic attacks when I try.

My dad is the one that’s going to take my stuff, I really hope he doesn’t look through any of it (he doesn’t have my passwords but I don’t know if he can get in to my stuff). He told my mom if she doesn’t take my stuff he’ll stop paying the phone bill for the rest of my family. Now I won’t be able to leave my room at all when he’s home because I can’t check where he is. I won’t be able to ask my mom for food either. I couldn’t call the police if he tried to hurt me. My ADHD will run rampant with nothing to do. Honestly, tumblr gives me about the only social interaction I get and it’s the only support I have. It’s cliche that “I can’t survive without my phone” but in this case it might be true. I won’t be able to get food or support at all, and my issues will get worse.

Thank you guys for everything. Radblr, despite all the drama, has made me feel a lot better about a lot of things since I joined. It helped me realize I am a lesbian, and it made me feel better about being a woman. It’s made me feel a sisterhood in a way I haven’t felt before. I don’t know what’ll happen, or if/when I’ll be back. I really don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to do. I love you guys.

[litsavantbookclub]

The Other Mrs. Book Review

Hello fellow readers,

After countless migraines and all the dragging days because of social distancing, I have finally finished Mary Kubica’s The Other Mrs. It’s been a trek in more ways than one. But overall I think it was worth it. From here on out, I will be mentioning some spoilers so if you haven’t read this yet, I’d stop reading now.

At the beginning of the story, Kubica introduces readers to Sadie and her family as well as the house they are moving into. I mention the house because of the way Kubica presents passages about and moments about it. It’s almost like the home is a character. I’m not sure if that was on purpose but that’s the way I received it. Either way, readers get the feeling that Sadie is not happy with this change in location. Sadie is reluctant to even step into this new home. She states the following: “ there’s something off about the house. Something that nags at me, makes me feel uneasy, though I don’t know what it is that makes me feel this way” (9). Sadie obviously feels a sense of foreboding and even though this is just the beginning of her feelings it is something that is constantly brought up again and again. And even though she knows she feels an ambivalence towards the house she cannot pinpoint why. Sadie is both intune and unaware of her emotions. She is aware of her feelings but also out of touch. This contradiction and others that follow lay the groundwork for making Sadie, the protagonist a flawed, complicated, and definitely unreliable. But because she is so vulnerable and honest about her confusion and hangups she’s likable. The first-person point of view for most of the story has readers become close and involved in all the controversy and drama that ensues adding to the intimacy.

The next lines on this first page are quite telling about the rest of the novel: “on the surface, it’s perfectly idyllic...on the surface there’s nothing not to like. But I know better than to take things at face value” (9). This structure is something that Sadie recognizes as outwardly charming and ideal but she rebukes it. She believes that even though things may seem great they may very well not be. That if you look deeper there is usually something off. Readers may see this as Sadie being negative and even ungrateful. Inheriting a new home when things have gone south and you need a way out is ideal, especially given the circumstances. And Will mentions this opportunity as a “new start” one that he and Sadie’s family desperately need. But Sadie isn’t buying it. And by the end of the book, readers see that Will like the house’s facade isn’t something we’re not buying either.

Overall the way conflict and new information are spread out throughout the book is great. There are many nooks and crannies that hold new information. But Kubica plays it close to the chest. There are layers to the truth and they are presented sparingly. I appreciated that but at the same time, it did make for long and drawn out moments that were tedious. I experienced moments when I considered dropping the book and walking away. However, I pushed myself for a few reasons. The first was that even though things slowed down I was invested. I wanted to know what the heck was going on. Personally, I am one of those readers that want to figure out what is going on as I read. I love thrillers and figuring puzzles so that alone pushed me to keep going. The second is that given the quarantine and covid19 reading has been harder to accomplish. My mind has been spinning and my anxiety has been higher than usual so I blame my apathy on the current state of things. The third is that I was have read other novels by Kubica: The Good Girl, Pretty Baby, and Don’t You Cry. TOM would be my fourth. I decided why not finish it. I might as well. 

Truth be told, the book was most interesting when I had about 100 pages left. The moment that Sadie finds Imogen in the cemetery and she reveals what she did to Alice caused me to not want to stop reading. This area of the story is the most suspenseful and engrossing. There is so much information dumped on you that you are overloaded and barely have time to recover before another shoe drops. Like Sadie, you are flabbergasted and left scratching your head. The fact that Sadie is ill to the extent of having DID was handled well. Kubica took one of the most common reasons that an unreliable character is undependable (because they’re “crazy”) and handled it differently. Sadie was unstable but being manipulated and gaslighted by her narcissistic husband. The Camille and Mouse perspectives were not separate people but all parts of one person, Sadie. Will may or may not be an adulterer but he is an ass that uses his wife to do his sadistic bidding. 

Another thing I appreciated was that Kubica understood the extent that an abusive relationship leaves a person who finally discovers the truth reeling. Sadie struggles with the unmasking of Will’s true behavior and intent for her. All those moments that she felt grateful for his “support”, “love”, and “affirmation”, has been a lie. A practiced and uncanny representation of what the “ideal” husband is like day in and day out. Will got everything he ever wanted from Sadie, the protection and the different alter to satisfy him sexually. Yet he isn’t happy and is annoyed by the sudden issues arising from his decisions. Take the following for example: “...she’s desperate now, thinking I’ll do her bidding for her as I always do. But not this time” (314). Will feels like he is being used by Sadie and he’s tired of it. According to Will, he is the victim. He is miserable because Sadie is his burden to manage. This empowers and infuriates him all at once. Will like Sadie is a contradiction. He wants all the rewards and benefits but none of the work or responsibility. He believes he is above it all. In his mind only he matters. Not all the women he’s used and deemed unworthy of life and second thought. Will is both “the puppet master” and the “downtrodden.” In his mind, he is the hero of the story. And just like the house at the beginning, on the surface and to everyone around him besides those killed Will was charming, helpful, and supportive until he wasn’t. 

When Sadie finally kills Will it isn't because she was manipulated but because she finally fought for herself. The addition of Imogen, her antagonist,  as Sadie’s protector was the icing on the cake. I loved it!

What did you think of The Other Mrs.? Was it the best Kubica has published? if not, then which was?

My rating: 3.75

Keywords: Puzzling, off-kilter, mental illness

[icequeen1371]

Ugh. I relate to this. I usually do about my weight but not usually my looks. Today though is day 4-5 of a huge breakout, a cold sore from stress & not sleeping enough and a million other things probably only cuz I feel bad and am so over it. But I hate having an immune system that barely works. It’s was bad enough before when I could joke about it but now that I’ve been actually diagnosed with a couple of autoimmune diseases, it’s like, okay it’s reall can’t joke anymore. Now when you get sick or have a flare up from stress or being even just overtired for too long or just do too much one day, BAM. Here. Look like crap and new things will pop up making you feel even worse so your outside looks as terrible as you feel inside cuz I’m so exhausted & I’m trying to rest my my life won’t let that happen. UGH. I’m fine. I’m fine. I just need to feel sorry for my ugly self for a bit and when I wash my hair or my cold sore starts going away, I’ll probably feel a bit better emotionally. I hate it when my body does shit like this to tell me to rest instead of pacing myself. I’m not used to a pace of doing almost nothing. Especially cuz I get bored and eat since I quit smoking. Like thank you 60 extra lbs. I didn’t really need you. Okay. That’s my life lately. Oh yeah. Besides my cancer surgery to remove half my thyroid cuz my old doc was ignoring my condition so I got a new doc and he ignored me too so I went to a walk-in clinic to get referred to a specialist and the woman doc (go figure) finally sent me for an ultrasound>biopsy>found several pre-cancerous tumors, then surgery 2 wks later right before Xmas where they found most of my mlymph nodes under my chin were basically black stones so they removed them and now my chin isn’t a triple swollen one but a regular double one but it started swelling almost a week ago so I’ve been trying to rest up cuz I took a guess to mean that I’m going to get sick or doing to much. Who knows. Okay. Now that’s my life lately. Unless you include my 17-year-old going off her anti-depression medication without telling me and having a complete and total meltdown where I thought she was going to probably kill her self or something drastic to that extent and we finally hashed things out and she went back on her meds. Oh and let’s not forget my oldest having a complete meltdown and bring the drama with her every time she comes over and visits where she picks a fight because she was in such a toxic relationship that she just left. Okay. THERE. Now there’s my life. (Okay I’ll add that my brother is ignored cuz he molested me when I was a kid and is a condescending asshat & my Mom has memory issues that keep getting worse. And that I don’t know where my income will come from next year as I’ve never been approved for disability even tho I have chronic migraines and back pain) K. I’m done now. I swear. I don’t usually spell the beans because I don’t usually think that my life is terrible, but I guess sometimes when you write it all down, it really has all the crap that’s happened. Holy crap OK. I guess I can stop gaslighting myself into thinking that I’m overreacting or just trying to play the victim. I guess I’m not doing that am I? 

[holisticgal333]

Thought dump diary

Maaaan, what a week. I feel like I say that too often out loud. I do have really good days, really good moments, and good weeks. I’m learning that life after being free from your abusers/abuse takes a long time to adjust. I mean gosh, that was 28 years of their narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, etc etc, to not only process, but to “get over”. I know what you’re thinking, “isn't that gaslighting yourself?” I don’t mean get over it in that way. More like, learning to live this new life without fearing of what is going to happen next. I DO want to get over that feeling. It is incredibly exhausting to be hyper aware of my surroundings which comes from a plethora of reasons for me (trauma, anxiety, adhd, being a mom).

This past week has been incredibly challenging. My daughter, 4 and autistic, is having a really hard time with transitions. For example, leaving the store to come back home, moving on to the next activity, bath time, etc. The methods that previously worked have stopped. On many levels, she is about 1st grade level and that makes her SO SMART for her age. You cannot fool her. Finding new coping skills has been challenging but we are getting there. 

On top of that, I didn’t realize all this time that I have had this debilitating neck pain that runs up into my head, was MIGRAINES. I took Excedrin migraine last night and nearly cried at the relief I felt. It did keep me awake all night, but I just didn’t realize how BAD this chronic pain is. Let’s just say, I’m seeing my primary care tomorrow.

I can think back of when I was a young girl and never did I imagine this is what my life would look like, but I do have to sit back and not only admire my strength, but to give myself a round of applause. I show up every day for my daughter, despite the pain, despite the emotional challenges, despite just wanting to lay in bed all day. 

Asking for help is hard and often requires you to put your fears aside, because there are people who love you and genuinely want to help. Find your tribe; even if it’s only a few people. 

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

Yesterday I earnestly but calmly tried to explain to my eldest brother that I don’t want my dad at any of my future life events, let alone my two-guest-limit graduation. I mentioned that I’ve concluded his impact on my life over the last ten years has been a net negative, something I couldn’t tell to anyone else, and my brother gently but firmly disagreed.

He said I would appreciate more when I’m older/wiser/moved out/etc how difficult it is to not have the “tangible and intangible support” of living with parents while studying. I didn’t say it, but although my parents both earn money and my dad is technically the breadwinner, I would rather have had a single-mother household than whatever sorry excuse for parenting my dad has perpetuated. And push come to shove, I could’ve moved out, worked more and studied part time if I’d needed to. I would’ve been perfectly capable; I’m a low-impact household member.

I don’t think it’s fair, both in the context of the current economic climate and my own family, to say: “you should be grateful your parent didn’t force you out before you could reasonably support yourself long term.” I don’t think it’s fair to say: “you would have been worse off without the presence of a highly volatile, disruptive, malevolent figure in the household because your schedule would have been different.”

I probably wouldn’t have had to go to therapy while studying? I wouldn’t have had to drop everything and conform to a study/life schedule that doesn’t suit me purely for the arbitrary benefit of someone else? I wouldn’t have been constantly balancing my mental health on the knife’s edge of someone else’s instability? What the fuck kind of intangible benefit would that have yielded? One can only imagine.

The worst part, as always and maybe unexpectedly from the outside, is the highs. I always half-convince myself that I was exaggerating how bad things were. A lifetime of gaslighting, a lifetime of pandering to people on the outside looking in through distorted rosy windows. I smile benignly at jokes that aren’t funny, that I’ve heard a hundred, a thousand times. I refuse gifts and favours, knowing the hand that feeds can so quickly be the hand that holds a gun to your head: ungrateful bitch, selfish little shit, you’ll never know… I think, maybe that was just a dream, the otherworldly under-lighting of dreams turning mortal men into monsters of terrifying heights. Echoes of the quotidian eroding my head as they twist and transform beyond recognition.

And inevitably, things turn. The gun appears and his benign tone changes into something harsh and splintered, spitting vitriol and the old insults that still cut too deep. Things are thrown at walls and I wait in the wings — yes dad no dad yes dad I’ll do it dad leave it alone dad it’s fine dad — to clean up messes and muddle my way through deadlines and responsibilities that don’t care about the madman living in my house.

It would’ve been a simple trade, an easy trade, if I had been pushed. Money and time for peace and control. Isn’t that what therapy tries to do?

Last year I needed a simple extension and didn’t know what excuse to use, how to explain I’m working during the day and all weekend because I need the money long term and the time out is the only thing keeping me sane and when I get home I can’t work in my room because my dad is yelling at the top of his lungs and throwing things and I can’t go to the library like last year because he gets worse if I’m not home to help out without a reason but studying isn’t a reason and I can’t work in the night because that’s asking for trouble I can’t spare. I’d said migraines the semester before, which was true in a manner of speaking, so this semester when I was asked I typed absently for a few minutes and what came out was: “I’m working a lot and my dad tested positive for COVID and is isolating.” I knew it was wishful thinking. I got the extension.

All this to say, when it comes down to it, I’m not easily persuaded in the mid to long term. This phone call with my brother had me questioning things, but my dad had already lost his shit at meaningless non-stressful things twice by evening, sworn his head off at me when he was really angry at someone else, and capped it off with ordering me twice before 11pm to go to bed for weightless reasons. Lack of sanity, lack of respect, lack of ability to mind his own fucking business. As usual. I remain unsurprised but disappointed and ashamed of my own constant optimism after two, three hours of — not positive, per se — benign contact or presence somewhere in the vicinity.

Long term, I know he can’t be trusted. I know I don’t want him at my events or having a say in the important moments and decisions of my life. The impact of his money does not outweigh the unadulterated chaos he has brought into every aspect of my life and the disastrous effect this has had on my mental and physical wellbeing, both in dealing with him and trying to keep my shit together enough that people don’t generally know it’s happening. I know, in my moments of deepest and calmest clarity, that I am better in every way when he is not a factor.