#garbage 101

[whateverthedragonswant]

This might be a hot take but I've gotta get this off my chest:

I have seen so many times in the past two years the point being made by a particular section of the fandom that Sam was the hero of SPN, the "Luke Skywalker" of the series as Kripke himself stated, and that the finale ending made sense for not only Sam getting to live but also for Dean's ending. And in the very same breath, it's mentioned that the show was always about the brothers, no one else, that's what Kripke always wanted, etc., but this argument is always made from a very pro-Sam slanted/skewed anti-ship (and sometimes anti-Dean) point of view without taking into consideration of just how much the story of SPN evolved even before Kripke left the show.

Like say what you will about Sam being the hero of the story, and I'm not going to disagree with you about that being Kripke's original intention because you're right. Sam was the main protagonist; that's clear from the outset of the series. The whole first season is everything being told from Sam's POV. It's evident in every single episode in how each case has resolution thanks to Sam. He is made to be the hero. The whole arc of season 1 is about Sam being dragged back into this world due to his desire for revenge for what happened to Jessica which turns into something more aka Sam is naturally a hunter and he wants to help people/help his family->Dean. It's even Sam in the season finale that chooses a different way compared to John's quest for revenge by choosing Dean/his family over his revenge.

So, yes, you're right when you say in the beginning of the series that Sam was the hero/main protagonist. Absolutely. But what is not being mentioned/realized is that somewhere along the way, during Kripke's era, Dean's own story within the series became just as integral to the main story like Sam's as did their relationship as brothers. Kripke developed the story to include both. They both become essential to the main overhead arc of the entire show. The whole reason John and Mary even got together (through Heaven's intervention as per SPN canon) was to bring about both Sam and Dean's existence. Dean becomes the complement to Sam's role. We find out that Sam is the chosen vessel for Lucifer, and then we find out Dean is the chosen vessel for Michael, which leads to the showdown between Heaven and Hell essentially through the two. Both have a decision to make; both are tapped on the shoulders by both sides (i.e. Cas/Ruby); both are essential to the main plot while having their own separate arcs/journeys. Dean is no longer a side character or even the "Han Solo". His story is developed and we not only see his own hero's journey that he has to go on (when physically separate from Sam for example; going into the future though this is still intertwined with Sam's journey itself; going back in time, etc.) but his own desires, thought processes, relationships (outside of Sam), are also brought into the forefront for his story. Can this happen with side characters? Sure. But that's not what happens here because Kripke not only develops/beefs up Dean's story but also interweaves it with Sam's very carefully, to the point that the show doesn't work without both characters. Hence, Sam is no longer the sole main protagonist.

Which is why, for example, Dean is the one to kill the YED even though Sam had been determined to make YED pay for what happened to Jessica. And Kripke masterfully balances the main plot between the two as the show develops, so much so that we get payoff for Sam's journey (which leads up to Swan Song but I'll get to that in a moment), by fulfilling big plot points such as his killing Lillith and setting Lucifer free. He even still gets the hero's end by choosing to sacrifice himself to save Dean and the world in 5x22. Kripke beautifully takes Sam's original journey and tweaks it in such a way that while Sam had his dad's training and a similar quest for vengeance, he made a different decision and he did that while having much more on his shoulders (literally the weight of the world) than John ever did. And we still get payoff for what was initially set up way back in season 1. We get a close out to the Jessica story line, to Sam's powers story line, all of it, before Kripke dipped out.

And in the same fashion, we also got a closeout to Dean's story line. If he would ever get out of hunting, would he allow Sam to go into that dark night alone, would he be the same as John -- all of it.

So the ending to 5x22 absolutely makes sense. And we get: Dean surviving and going to live a "normal" life & Sam making the sacrifice (as the hero the series started out with) while also somehow surviving & making his way back to his brother. That's Kripke's ending. Now to be fair, Sam making his way back to Dean more likely had to do with them setting up the next season, but ultimately he wasn't dead after throwing himself and Michael into the pit.

Then in the later seasons, which some fans like to exclude or dismiss (but it's still part of Sam and Dean's official story), their stories were still integral to the main story but they had also evolved to include other characters (such as Cas, Jody, Donna, etc) and they had developed over the next ten years. So when looking at the series as a whole, Dean and Sam's endings in the series finale do not make sense. Kripke already got his ending in 5x22 and the show moved past that, and quickly set out to dismantle it in 6x01. This theme continued and the idea of free will became the center stage even more than it had in the first five seasons. By the time the last season rolled around, Dean and Sam had different desires, their stories had not only been completely intertwined to make both of them the main protagonists but both the heroes, and how their ends/hunting boots were hung up in the end would both matter.

So if you watched all of the seasons, 15x20 doesn't make sense. Because Dean and Sam wanted very different things by that point, they had both built relationships with other characters (Cas and Jack were the biggest ones but those two were not the only ones), and their story had effectively changed.

And if you didn't watch any of the later seasons (or you dismiss it), 15x20 still doesn't make sense because this wasn't the ending Kripke had for the seasons 1-5 Sam and Dean. If anything, it felt like it could have been 1x02 instead of the Wendigo episode, ending Dean and Sam's story in two short episodes with nothing in between.

That does not make sense.

Imagine we were discussing the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We all know how that ended (I'm talking TV only, not the comics). Buffy saved the world, she survived (finally!), and she was free from Sunnydale. Now imagine she had been killed off. Not only would it feel redundant but it wouldn't feel like a true ending for the story told over the past 7 seasons. What would have been the point of her being resurrected in season 6 then? What would have been the point of her relationship with Spike, Dawn, and the others? Could Joss Whedon have made it into another hero's sacrifice (instead of Spike doing the heroic/redeeming sacrifice), that she got Dawn, Willow, Xander, and the other Slayers ready to defend the world that she would die saving? Sure. But again, when you compare that ending to her story, it doesn't really make sense. There is no payoff, for the viewers or for the character of Buffy. She had earned that ending, the freedom from the Hellmouth and from the burden of being alone as the only Slayer (aka Chosen One). Which is why we get that great shot in the end:

Willow: "Yeah, the First is scrunched so...what do you think we should do, Buffy?"

Faith: "Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just got to live like a person. How's that feel?"

Dawn: "Yeah, Buffy, what are we going to do now?"

The hero, who had already made the hero's sacrifice more than once, finally earned the ending that she wanted: freedom and the ability to choose to live her life for herself. The burden of being The Slayer had been removed and spread out to others (effectively building a network, hold that thought for a minute), she was no longer alone, she had defeated the Big Bad (which was effectively the Hellmouth since it kept creating/calling to these other Big Bads she faced over the years as well as the monsters she started out fighting), she might have more to face in the future, but it's up to her now what she wants to do. She is given the choice aka free will and that's what she earned after everything she had gone through during the duration of the show.

That's an ending.

This isn't:

Death wasn't supposed to be their ending. While some might be able to turn to you and say 'but they end up in Heaven together, they're at peace', that doesn't make it a payoff ending, for the viewers (early seasons only or all seasons) or for the characters of Sam and Dean. That's not effective storytelling. Neither ending was heroic or earned.

Dean dying, while again wouldn't make sense given the story, could have been painted as heroic if it happened during the battle with Chuck for example. Their final battle with the ultimate Big Bad. Even though they both died heroically quite a few times before this, it could have been done and while ultimately disappointing, it could have been the hero's end for Dean (just like Sam's end in 5x22 was the hero's end for him). This death wasn't heroic; instead it was from vampire stunt guy #4 who apparently juiced before that scene getting an upper hand on the hero and impaling him on a piece of sharp rebar. During a milk run hunt. Now imagine if that were Sam. Ask these people who think that by the end of the series that Sam was the only hero, ask them if that happened to Sam instead, would they still be praising the finale? Or imagine that was Buffy. That she survived like she does, the Hellmouth in Sunnydale was finally gone, only to be killed by a random forgettable vampire who she had faced off with in the first season and got away, only to suddenly return and take the hero out, thus negating the payoff/earned ending she and the viewers got. Doesn't make sense, right?

Now imagine if say Dawn was killed off in a similar way (though tbf Dawn's role was not the same as Dean's in the story) or during the battle, and we see Buffy living her life through the years, getting out of slaying, having a family which consists of a daughter she names Dawn, wearing her own Party City wig and looking at a picture of Dawn all teary-eyed, dying in her sleep as an old lady, and then reuniting with her in Heaven. It doesn't work. Not only because Dawn had a very different role in the show when it came to the main story but also because it DOESN'T WORK. What kind of hero's end is that? What payoff is that? Is it great that Sam gets to choose to get out of hunting and have a family? Sure. But that's not where his story was headed, in later seasons, or even during Kripke's era.

Going back to the network thing I mentioned with Buffy, Sam had done that. Not only were there strong hints of leader!Sam near the end of the series, but he had effectively built a network of hunters for a time until Alt!Michael killed them all. But he and Dean still had a network going through Jody, Donna, Claire, even Jack until he turned God!Jack. Wayward Sisters might not have taken off when it first aired but the point was made: a hunter network still existed. And these characters, this network, even though not shown in the finale, still survived no matter what happened with Sam and Dean in the end. Why is this important? Because not only does it extend the hunting universe, but it also removes the burden from the heroes' shoulders. So they could have gotten out of hunting if they wanted to, just like Buffy could have laid down her axe (or stake). The heroes had earned it.

So for Dean to die on a random hunt and for those few to say that it was being foreshadowed this whole time with Dean's quotes (from before season 15 btw) and a proper ending to his story...they really don't know what show they were watching or how storytelling works in general. Because when they say that, they negate Dean's whole arc of season 15 (while also negating his whole series arc). Dean was angry in the beginning of the season because he thought not only had his free will been taken from him, but also because he thought he hadn't had any free will this whole time. There's a reason why he says what he says to Cas in 15x02. There's a reason why he was so gung ho on letting Jack sacrifice himself, and only once once Sam and Chuck say what they say in 15x17 does Dean make a different choice: his family (and the world) vs his own desire (his idea of free will, not fully realizing that he's actually utilizing it by making that choice). It's only when he chooses not to kill Chuck in 15x19 that he is completely self-aware and that he is using his free will to make a choice. A choice that affects how the Big Bad is ended/defeated. "That's not who I am."

He was given the hero's choice and he made it. And his decision was the right one that had payoff from not only the events in 15x17 and 15x18 but for his overall story. That's why what Cas says to him in 15x18 about who he is as a character was so important. It set Dean up to not only have self-realization but to also act upon it. Think about how many times over the years Sam and other characters have told Dean this about himself but he never really believed it. Why? Because he hadn't reached that part of his journey yet. Because he hadn't reached the end of it yet. So it makes perfect sense how 15x17, 15x18, and 15x19 play out. This is the appropriate ending battle for not only Dean but Sam as well:

This was the hero's sacrifice they made. They could have been killed from Chuck beating on them as he did. He could have chosen to snap his fingers at any point. They made the sacrifice in order to get Jack the time and energy he needed to power up to overpower Chuck. And they never stayed down no matter the pain, no matter the potential of their deaths at Chuck's hand. They refused to give it up. This is why Sam helps Dean back up and why they're laughing/smiling. Because they know that no matter what happens to them, Jack/the world is going to win. "Why are you smiling?" "Because...you lose." And their sacrifice not only hands victory over to the new generation aka Jack but also instates the new God who replaces Chuck aka The Big Bad of the entire series. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCREAMS HERO.

So it's not only payoff for Jack's story (as well as Chuck's) but also for Sam and Dean's. And both brothers were the heroes. Which is why Sam tells Chuck that he loses and Dean tells him that they won. Why both of them tell Chuck about their plan that they formed together (and Jack doesn't say a word). Which is why Chuck says he's going to die at both of their hands, both Sam and Dean look at each other, and then Dean makes the choice not to kill Chuck. "See, that's not who I am. That's not who we are." Because they both were the heroes and main protagonists of the series. Something that Kripe had set up long before 5x22.

"What kind of an ending is this?" One the heroes had earned. Chuck as the Big Bad wanted violence and death, an ending he would be entertained by. And even for an ending he hadn't imagined for himself (where he loses), he still expected a grisly death at the hands of the heroes. Had either Winchester done that, then Chuck would have gotten what he wanted and it wouldn't be the heroes' end that they had earned.

This was the ending that Sam and Dean earned:

The choice to continue on if they wanted or to get out of hunting for good. To go see Jody, Donna, and the girls, or go get Cas out of The Empty, or go on milk run hunts for a while, or even to go to a freaking baseball game (screw you, John!); the point is it was their choice. That's what they had earned by the end of the series.

The ending that Chuck earned was not only the worst he could imagine but it was punishment for everything he had done. Both brothers say as much:

Sam: "I think it's the ending where you're just like us. And like all the other humans you forgot about."

Dean: "It's the ending where you grow old, you get sick, and you just die."

Sam: "And no one cares. And no one remembers you. You're just forgotten."

This was not the heroes' ending or the ending both characters had earned/deserved:

This was:

For the ones who insist that Dean's sacrifice was the right ending for his story and that he got a new Heaven as a reward are incorrect. Heaven wasn't what Dean wanted, not before he got what he earned.

For the one who insist that Sam's ending was right for his story and that he got to have a family and choose to get out of hunting as a reward are incorrect. Sam wanted Dean to be a part of that life (however it looked) and he had no desire to get out of hunting by the time the series came to an end.

15x20 is not the right ending for either Winchester.

And for those who say that Dean hadn't become one of the heroes in the series or that the finale was right because Sam was the sole main protagonist by the end (or even Kripke's ending in 5x22) clearly weren't paying attention. Not only did Sam not get the heroes' end or the end he wanted and earned, but neither did Dean who had been developed into the other main protagonist of the series, by the series creator himself before he left the show.

Bonus:

15x20 was not their real finale and here's how you know:

Next shot (after cutting to black):

Nothing after it.

SPN:

Next shot (after fading to black):

And then:

(while still in costume, the two leads thanking the fans and then the crew/bridge drone shot complete with show music)

Compare this to how 15x19 ended as well. We get the montage, the drive off shot, and then the scene from 1x01 of Sam shutting the trunk of the Impala as Dean watches. Then cuts to black.

That's their finale.

[they-call-me-hippie]

Yeah I can tell people have lost their grasp on basic ongoing forms of oppression when they say things like "hatred of men and masculinity is one of the reasons trans women, BIPOC and Jewish men are persecuted" like what a non-sequiteur. Imagine being so ignorant of power structures in your attempt to """progressively""" defend men that you become transphobic

[thinkingnot]

for your average ordinary completely inconspicuous litter

[pessimisticprincess]

can’t believe i woke up this sick :(

[plexiglassonion]

As much as I love Poland, i must give it to english speaking countries as they have a birthday song that you can sing way after you hit the 100 year mark

[milfbro]

I hate my brain btw. I'm here mentally trying to edit Bardo to see if i could make the film good

[lalunanymph]

MARRY THE TRAITOR ; gojo satoru

⟡ the day you met your demise is the same day you met gojo satoru, your betrothed from a world so different from yours—a cruel prince who is undoubtedly in love with someone else. as the stakes rise and you race against the clock to beat your brutal fate, can you make the ultimate choice between your heart or your happily ever after?

includes: fem!reader, reader is a florist in our world, arranged marriage, enemies to lovers, slow burn, yandere!gojo, prince!gojo, princess!reader, reader is in cerena's body, princess cerena is described to have pink hair and feminine features, isekai-ed reader, mentions of death, mentions of blood, assault, injuries, smoking, mentions of terminal illnesses (cancer), language

⟡ masterlist

ACT 1, SCENE 1: MIRI'S REPRIEVE

It was horrifyingly cold tonight. 

Your body seized with bouts of shivers the second you stepped out of your shop, the smell of roses lingering in your hair. The lights are already switched off, the tulips you were shearing just a few seconds ago placed in crystal vases by the shop window to keep them from wilting overnight. 

However, as much as you try to distract yourself, there’s a shake in your hands you cannot ignore.

Pulling out a crumpled cigarette from your jacket pocket, you burn the end of the white stick with your cheap convenience store lighter, watching the flickering flames cast shadows across the wet road as you’re suddenly struck by a thought from a long, long time ago. 

The great Greek philosopher, Plato, once theorized that humans were born whole. 

Each of us, regardless of race, creed, or religion, shared one body, four arms, four legs and two faces fused together on a singular head. 

However, the gods—vain as they were—feared the human’s increasing power and Zeus himself devised to split them into two separate parts, forever condemning mortals to search for their other half in a journey filled with despair, longing and loneliness.  

The first time you heard this in Philosophy 101, a part of you was intrigued, if not a little terrified at the notion. While you weren’t a particularly huge subscriber to the idea of having a soulmate, it did have a sense of appeal for a girl raised on stories of handsome princes saving dainty princesses from their castles of grief and isolation. 

But, tonight, your jumbled mind can’t stay on Plato or distractions for too long. It constantly circles back to your mom.  

The scans she took had came back positive, and the doctor’s bleak voice on the other end of the line read like a death knell to your flimsy hopes that the cancer hadn’t spread further than her stomach. 

Your eyes weighed heavily, the burden of knowing sanding you to the bare bones till you felt close to breaking down on the cold road, screaming and shaking your fist at the night sky; cursing the gods for tearing the only person in the world who still loved you from your side.

Why they did it, you will never know. 

You weren’t exceptionally powerful nor did you pose a threat to the deities above. You were a simple florist in the middle of the city, trying to make ends meet and pay all your bills on time; nothing but a tax-paying citizen and a role model for small business women trying to make it big in a competitive city.

Smoke curls around your figure and you suck on the nicotine, letting it coat the back of your throat and numb the ends of your fingers.

Oblivious to your surroundings, you tread past an alleyway, ignoring the scampering of rats and smell of garbage burning through your nose. You inhale another toxic breath, expelling it out and watching the plume of smoke disappear upwards.

“Hey.” 

Nothing could prepare you for what came next. 

Turning around to appraise the voice calling you from the shadows, white hot pain cracks through your head, leaving you blind from the sudden assault.

Your cigarette falls somewhere at your feet, and you tumble to the gravelly ground on your hands and knees, skinning your palms as your ragged breaths echo in this dilapidated and abandoned alleyway. 

A hand shoots out to grab your purse, and before you can croak a yell or blindly turn to confront your assailant, another blow cracks down your skull, making you collide face first into the dirt-packed ground. 

Pain explodes in your face, white-hot and agonizing. Your breathing and the sound of blood rushing through your ears is the only thing you can hear as you breathe in the smell of dirt and blood, your head feeling like a thousand sparks of pain were going off at once. 

Cracking open your good eye, you catch a sliver of light in the distance; it washes over you, potent and soothing. The light at the end of the alleyway shimmers, and you think this is it—this is the last thing you will see from this world. 

Not your mother’s smile, or your best friend’s laugh. There are no flowers in your hand, no loved ones standing over your sickbed to kiss your cheek one last time before you depart this world.

It’s you, the floor, the blood trickling in your mouth, and your consciousness slowly ebbing away.

The last thing you remember before your world snuffs out like a pathetic candle is seeing the beady eyes of a rat shining in the dark, its long tail curling around its dirty body as it scampers closer and closer to you. 

And then, nothing else remains.

“... care to explain yourself?” 

The world is too bright, much too loud and you cringe back, a loud ringing clanging in your ears like the high-pitched squeal of a thousand nails on a chalkboard. 

What… is this scene? 

Your eyes struggle against the bright light and you wince, throwing your hand up to your face to ward off the glare. 

When your gaze finally focuses, you’re confronted by a pair of ice cold blue eyes, his sneer tearing through your mind like a bloody gash on white canvas. 

“Are you an imbecile?” His chilling tone laced with arrogance and contempt sears through you, leaving you mute and dumbstruck from this stranger’s sudden hostility. “I asked you if you would like to explain the accusations brought against you for hurting Miri.”

A girl with bright red hair and freckles splashed across her cheeks looks up at you with fear in her eyes. You take a step back, assessing her attire and countenance with open horror. Her pale face like the moon, dirt-streaked hands with stubby nails and a uniform splotched with indiscernible stains. 

But, that isn’t what draws your attention: it’s the look of contempt secretly masked under her woeful and pitiful expression. Those green eyes burn through you with the force of a thousand deaths, each one more painful than the last.

“Cerena.” 

Your eyes grow wider when you realize this strange man is speaking to you—calling you by an unknown name. 

As your attention shifts back to him, you’re stunned and breathless. His shock of pure white hair, towering stature and cruel, azure gaze never yields from your expressions, thin lips twisted into a baleful grimace. His attire is one you have never seen before: a regal, embroidered jacket and matching pants in the darkest shade of navy blue. Regalia and military medals drip from the lapels of his jacket like icy tears, each metallic glint striking more fear into your heart as you take in his majestic and imposing demeanor.

“I said, speak, wench!” 

Dexterous and pale fingers, like that of a violinist, grasps your jaw painfully as he jerks your face towards him. Instinctively, you tense and push him away, a petrified look on your face.

“Who are you?” 

Obviously, it wasn’t a question he was expecting. The princely man gives a dignified scoff, the corners of his lips twisting into a terrifying sneer. 

“Oh, so now you're playing the short term memory loss card? Stop begging for attention, Cerena, and own up to your mistakes.” He moves aside and the maid cowering behind him lifts her teary eyes to him, her pitiful state clearly tugging on his heart strings and his protective instincts. “Miri told me you slapped her when she wouldn’t braid your hair fast enough, and you even threw your tea at her. Pray tell, is that a way how a princess acts, Your Highness?” 

His words drip with venomous sarcasm. You open your mouth and then close it, unsure of how to respond to him—what you could even say in these circumstances.

But inside of you, welling deeply and painfully, is a surge of anger at being falsely accused for something you did not do. You have no idea who he is, who Miri was to him and who even is this woman called ‘Cerena’ he keeps on referring to you as.

What you do know is that he has slighted you with his openly hostile tone and body language, and if years of being a florist in a cutthroat business has taught you, it’s that you should always stand your ground against unruly customers to safeguard your reputation and dignity.

“I have no idea what you are speaking of,” your words come out frostier than you intended. Your sharp gaze sweeps to the other maids observing the spectacle with stony faces. “I wish to go back to my room.” 

Turning on your heel, you take one step forward and realize just how heavy your gown is. Lace and organza with dangling pendants woven through the thick fabric, you move as if walking in a vat of molasses, slow and controlled, when all you want to do is storm off. 

“Hey. I am not done speaking to you—”

It’s easy for him to catch up and grab your arm, impeding you from making your swift exit.

“Is this how you are to treat your subjects when we become wedded, Cerena? I would think that the princess of Kraith herself would have better manners and not behave like a barbarian!” 

His words snap something tight in your chest, and your nostrils flare. You break free from his grasp and spin around, fists clenched to your sides.

“Do not touch me,” your deathly warning stills the entire room. “Do not speak to me like this and if you wish to protect her reputation—”

Your eyes fall on the maid still cowering on the floor, her eyes turned to the ground, but a shadow of a smirk on her face belies her true intentions. 

She was attempting to frame me… or, Cerena. She is trying to get us in trouble with this powerful, spiteful man. 

“—next time, choose someone else who doesn’t make it obvious that this is all a ploy to smear my name.”

mtt fun fact: maids are divided into different tiers according to the nobles they serve. miri is at the bottom tier, and her scope of work mainly focuses on cleaning the hallways and stables

dawn says: it's bit of a shorter chapter, but trust, the drama is gonna hit you like thief-kun when he smashed our heads in yayy <33

!! reblogs and feedback and asks about this series are so beloved and appreciated and will motivate me to update and write faster <3

©️ all rights reserve to lalunanymph. do not copy elements of my story, repost or claim as your own.

[ut-girl666]

Funny/tragic idea for Starscream:

Starscream, has no fucking standards for a partner. And I mean that. His standards are literally:

- 75% chance they won’t drug him

- mildly respect a ‘no’

- don’t physically/consistently verbally abuse him

His standards are so low it’s sad. And that’s not even getting into his fucked up idea of consent.

Megatron is horrified. Someone get this baby a proper consent 101 class, and please pick up some standards when you’re passing by the store.

Because Star’s bar of standards is so low, it’s a tripping hazard in hell, and yet he somehow manages to find the mechs who use it to limbo dance with the devil.

Honestly the other few ‘con’s he’s close to who do have standards are just grateful that he ended up with Soundwave, or around them in general, because he is so vulnerable to just about anyone taking advantage and abusing him.

It takes Starscream an embarrassingly long amount of time to realize that his standards are in fact garbage, and that he’s hit the jackpot in partners, being with Soundwave, and in coworkers with Megs, because they have a serious moral code about consent, and will be the first people to throw the book at anyone who dares to violate consent.

It’s funny, but in a dark, tragic way. Because you’d actually think that as a prince, he would have completely unattainable standards, but they’re actually nonexistent.

[savventeen]

svt as bits of unfinished poetry that have been rotting away in my google drive

**content warnings: mentions of blood, violence as a metaphor** (also each indented section is one snippet)

seungcheol

pruning is a dirty business bloodied earth the product of your work soiled hands the only thing you feel good for you need to pull the roots up bloody because that’s the only way they’ll let you go

bear your throne like the cross that it is and do not weep

jeonghan

i cut my lip on your silver tongue we try our best to kiss away the blood

traded feathered wings for fleeting moments of perceived significance and my ignorance will always be my downfall my aches and pains will always be my own fault because the world has taught me to give away everything but the blame

joshua

i wish that i could make my words pretty for you, for you i wish that i could make them gently bloom, for you

and when i do finally pass the horizon i want to be remembered into the twilight, the light of my life shining on until i finally reach the zenith of the stars and embrace the galaxies like we’d never parted

junhui

my nerves don’t live in my stomach no, the butterflies live in the joints of my fingers, in the muscles of my legs and the smooth corners of my lungs they take residence in the crevices of my heart, unwanted cheerleaders encouraging my heart to beat faster, faster, faster

soonyoung

yes, we are a mess in the making but oh, what a beautiful mess we’re making this moment is ours for the taking, ours for the breaking

and i will cling to hope with dirty claws and bloodstained teeth aching arms and ravaged feet the world may try to rip it from my hands but the world never expected me to rip back

wonwoo

sometimes i feel like the ocean tide i crash on your shores with a violent hello and then pull away, pull away, pull away

it would be enough, if i could incite the start of a grin, the kind that curls up at the corners and isn't for anyone else except yourself

jihoon

sometimes i feel like my bones will break before my fingertips even make it to the page, my soul in such a fragile state the mere thought of revealing any honest piece of myself a crippling catharsis

seokmin

you instill hope like a roundhouse kick blindsiding everyone you meet with a love that’ll bruise for weeks you plow through each and every day like you’re on a mission a vengeful vigilante who deals blows in the art of affection you’re scrappy — all feeling, no form with fists raised and ready

mingyu

someday there will be a ring on my finger that i will not have put there myself i don’t think it will be flashy except for the way it will stoke the fire in my chest the metal will be warm, perpetually heated by the beating of my heart and it will stand sentinel, a promise of beginning, middle, and end

minghao

my name, an ephemeral thing that does not belong to me but to those who have chosen to call upon me, acknowledge me and my existence in time and space, a dimension in my own right, constellations in my heart and on my skin, searching every day for ways to begin a conversation, any conversation, an elation of heart and mind an elevation of souls in kind

seungkwan

you let them close enough to see the cracks, sometimes but only the ones that seem pretty enough in the filtered light — the ones you’ve framed to be beautiful things with glittering onyx veins that sparkle in their calcification

vernon

the moon is a smudge behind a frosted layer of clouds, the cold sharp and piercing, like inhaling frozen glass

you told me "darling, you are the sun." and oh, how i wanted to run to you or away, i’m never sure

dino

sometimes a shattering is a quiet thing. i’ve yet to learn how to break in a place where people can hear me, preferring to keep my clattering pieces tucked into quiet corners and early morning hours — the kind of morning when getting to see the sleepy pre-dawn gray feels like a miracle and not a burden

[silverskyeline]

'number one fan'

series (part 1) - rockstar logan meets popstar wade backstage. what could go wrong? (1.1k words) pairing - logan howlett x wade wilson tags - first meeting, rockstar!logan x popstar!wade, enemies to lovers, swearing, logan feels drawn to wade, alcohol mention, kind of cute, wade is his number one fan, band au, wade still wears his deadpool mask, wade uses the name 'deadpool' as a stage name.

.・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・.

logan had never heard of their support act, but by the name alone he wasn't particularly interested. what kind of a name is 'deadpool' anyway? they probably play some regurgitated heavily sampled pop trash, the same sort of crap they loop on the radio that makes his ears bleed. or maybe metal, but not the good kind.

'deadpool'. . . what a load of shit.

.・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・.

it's not until logan finds himself backstage that he lands eyes on him, the front runner.

well, it's less that it was a casual encounter, more that wade makes his presence known in the only way he knows how.

"OH. MY. GOD." he squeals, balling his fists and shaking them as he squirms in front of the taller man, "it's you." he's adorned in merch, a shirt with logans face on it, badges on that same shirt, plus some stickers that were very obviously homemade. logan winces at the sight, but his eyes are more preoccupied with that mask he's wearing. red and black. what was he supposed to be, was this a sex thing?

there's silence, but only for a few moments, wade quickly fills it.

"can you sign my boobs?" he tilts his head, trying to meet logans gaze, pointing to his flat chest, "pretty please? i swear i won't sell it on ebay - or, well, i mean i guess there's probably people on ebay looking to buy human skin but-"

"don't do autographs," logan grumbles, thinning his eyes as he shakes his head. he pushes roughly past him, eyes glancing around for the rest of the band. why'd he always get dumped with the crazy fans?

"riiiight, gotta keep the fans at a distance, huh? smart, smaaart. . . i promise i'm not the kind of fangirl to hide in your basement. if i was i wouldn't have just told you that," he rambles on, following closely behind logan like a lost puppy, "the attic though? now that's-"

logan stops, wade walks directly into his toned back, stumbling backwards like a connecting bumper car.

taking a nice, deep, calming breath that does nothing to soothe the storm brewing within him, logan turns to face him once more.

"you know, you're taller than your wiki says. you should really do something about that," wade sighs, hands on his hips "unless you're the one that edited it. anyone can edit it, by the way - wikipedia, total garbage fire. i once had a back-and-forth fight with a mod while i tried to change the 50 states of america to just say: 'canada'. rest assured! i am banned for life."

a beat, and logans eye twitches. "do you ever shut the fuck up?" he asks with a look of sheer confusion on his face, he's not even sure what half of those words that spill from his mask-covered mouth even mean. and though he can't see through the material, he can tell the dumbass in front of him is smiling.

"no, not really," he shrugs nonchalantly, "it's one of my charms, that's what my wiki says. totally truthful. 100% accurate. 101% filled with grammatical errors."

logan groans and shakes his head in disbelief, he mutters something along the lines of 'this fuckin' guy' as he walks towards his dressing room. he had to be a joke, right? there's no way this guy was a serious musician, he could hardly hold a conversation never mind an instrument. who the fuck booked him?

"w-wait, where ya' goin?" wade calls out meekly, waving dramatically like a wife who's waving off her husband at war, "am i seriously not gonna get an autograph?"

slamming the door to his dressing room, logan disappears inside leaving wade to shrink in disappointment.

". . .aw man, wait 'till the mutuals find out i met the logan," he smirks, causing his mask to wrinkle as he searches desperately for his phone in one of his many pockets.

-

logan pays no attention throughout the support act, in fact, he remains holed up in his dressing room nursing a bottle of whisky. it was a pre-show ritual of his, and he wasn't going to give it up now. not even when his mind lingered to the little masked creature who annoyed the fuck out of him despite only being in his presence for a few minutes.

what? why the fuck was he even thinkin' about him?

whatever, logan thought, couldn't let people like that get inside your head. you give them too much room and they take root there like a bad smell, and logan had enough anger issues as is. he did not need this guy to make it worse.

so when he takes to the stage, his mind is firmly clear. well, as clear as it can be. logan often finds his mind to be slightly murky, waves never calm or gentle, a storm he couldn't quite tame. but music alleviated the heaviness of his thoughts, grounded him, finding peace in the melody, in the rough texture of the strings, the harsh beat of the bass that hits you in the chest like a bullet.

his eyes open, settling upon the audience.

until one audience member lets out a particularly loud shriek.

one that sounds all too familiar.

logans eyes immeditely hone in on the same guy from earlier. he's cheering in the front row, louder than everyone else. his body is pressed against the barrier as he waves a crudely written cardboard sign in crayon that says 'marry me logie' with a large red heart at the side.

maybe it's something in his pure enthusiasm, or the balls he must have to not feel an ounce of embarrassment, or maybe the fact that he's almost sort of endearing in a pathetic kind of way. but logan finds himself. . . smiling? no, it's not a full smile. that's rare, reserved for real special occasions. but it's close.

he's always found himself drawn to strays, because they often remind him of himself - lost, looking for a home, looking for somewhere to belong. and in that moment, logan could see something reflected in that stupid fucking weird mask of his - a craving for connection.

fuck.

in that moment, logan knew that this idiot had already taken root in his mind and was trying to make a home there. he couldn't let this happen, he wouldn't let this happen. he was a stranger, a deranged one at that.

no, this was not happening.

logan steals a glance in his direction once more.

except it was.

[gingiesworld]

9 Years Ago Today

Natasha Romanoff x GN! Reader

Warnings: Angst, Death (Suicide), Unhappy Ending

18+ MINORS DNI

Word Count: 1876

Taglist : @mothertoall2 @natashamaximoff-69 @canvascoloredin @wizardofstories @louxbloom @wandanats-goodgirl @the-ox-fan20 @ladyqueenxoxo @aemilia19 @wandaromamoff69 @mfd-101 @dorabledewdroop @marvelogic @dopeyouth @karsonromanoff @bimad (if you want to be added to my taglist, please DM me or comment)

There was a time where everything seemed okay, maybe better than okay, Y/N had a great group of friends even if one of them happened to be their ex. Although the two ended badly, constantly arguing about the minor things, they both managed to be amicable when they were amongst their friends. Y/N always kept stealing glances of her from across the room, always noting just how happy she seemed, how she seemed to forget that they ever even dated. Well there were times where Natasha would forget that they even existed, making their friends feel awkward. So they soon stopped hanging out with them as often as they used to, everyone else noticing their lack of appearance at their get togethers.

“You can’t keep hiding out here.” Steve stated in disgust, looking at all the dirty takeout containers before he grabbed an empty garbage bag. “I know it still hurts.”

“No, you really don’t.” They chuckled dryly as they took a sip from the half empty bottle of whiskey.

“I know you love her.” He said as he sat beside them on the sofa. “I see how you still steal glances at her, I can see it in your eyes, even the hurt when she barely acknowledges your existence.”

“I’m fine.” They told him as he shook his head. “I swear to fucking god Steve, if you even attempt to say that I’m not, I’m gonna finish this bottle and smash it over your head.” He sighed and stood up, finishing helping them with cleaning their apartment in silence.

“Just please don’t do anything stupid.” He spoke softly as Y/N shrugged.

“We never had a choice about being brought into this world, but we can have a choice on how we leave this life behind.” They told him. Steve stopped in his tracks as he turned to face them.

“Don’t.” He seethed as Y/N just returned to the bottle. “I refuse to lose one of my best friends.”

“But I’m not one of them.” They told him as they stood up and went to their bedroom, locking the door behind them, leaving Steve to finish what he had started. Even as the weeks turned into months, everyone seemed to miss Y/N at their gatherings, missing how they used to be playful and energetic before the break up.

“We should try and talk to them again.” Wanda spoke up, breaking everyone away from their previous conversation. “I’m worried about them.”

“Me too.” Steve whispered as the others agreed, Nat remaining quiet as she silently agreed with them. She soon decided that she would get up to leave, making everyone divert their attention to her. “Where are you going?” He questioned as she picked up her bag, making sure she had everything she needed.

“To see them.” She answered before she left the house, heading straight towards the all too familiar building she spent many nights in. Heading straight up to their floor, banging on their door, waiting for a moment before they answered the door, they were in their uniform with their bag ready. “Where are you going?” She questioned as she walked past them inside the apartment. “I thought you were on leave for a year? Especially after your injury.”

“Well I have been cleared for combat and called forward.” They answered her flatly.

“Have you really been cleared or have you paid a dodgy doctor to say that?” She questioned with her eyebrow raised.

“Why can’t you actually see that I am fine!” They yelled at her, their eyes burning into her own green orbs.

“With what I have heard says otherwise.” She remarked, making them scoff.

“I’m sorry I was going through a rough time.” They spoke sarcastically. “That’s just it with you, I can never do a single thing right for you! You’ve always brought me down whether it's about who I am or it’s my career choice.”

“I have never done that!” She defended herself, watching as Y/N shook their head.

“Look, I would love to continue our argument, for old times sake but I have to go soon.” They told her as they tried to usher her out of the apartment.

“I don’t want to argue.” She told them.

“That’s good, it will make leaving here much easier.” They told her sarcastically.

“This is always just like you.” She seethed. “You always run away from the problem, you never want to face it like.” She stopped herself before continuing, watching as all emotion drained from Y/N’s face.

“Go on.” They prompted. “Say it. Say I’m a coward.” They watched as she shook her head no. “You’ve already said it plenty of times before so why is now any different?”

“I don’t think that.” She told them as they laughed at her words.

“So let me guess, all those times you called me a coward was for kicks, just a little light bullying.” They queried as she squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for them to say what was on their mind. “I know you think that I’m a failure, that I always destroy whatever I touch or that I’m a coward. I know that you claim that you used to love me when in reality you never loved me, not as much as you made me believe.”

“Please can we just sort this out? Like adults.” She asked them quietly, watching as they shook their head.

“I’m done with talking to you.” They told her, throwing her their keys as they picked up their bag. “Have a nice life Natasha. I hope you get what you want in life.” They told her before leaving their apartment, Natasha remained glued to her spot as the door closed. Y/N got in the taxi and gave them their parents address, knowing that no one has used their house, not since they passed away. Y/N never had the heart to sell it nor did they feel comfortable living their themselves, not without their parents.

Once they were there, they headed straight up to their childhood room, sitting on their bed before they let the tears fall, completely breaking down before they let their anger get the better of them. Picking up ornaments and picture frames, throwing anything and everything they could before falling to their knees, clutching their chest before they fell back and leaned against the bed, putting their head in their hands as they let all of their emotions that they have drowned with alcohol out.

“They said they were called up.” Natasha informed the others, but that was when Bucky spoke up.

“They were dismissed last year.” He told them. “After the incident happened on their last tour they were medically discharged.”

“Why didn’t they say anything?” Nat asked him.

“They were embarrassed.” He told her. “They already felt like a failure and a disappointment, and you never really helped them either.”

“They wouldn’t talk to me.” She tried as Bucky shook his head.

“I saw how you was when you were together.” He told her. “You never really cared about them, just what they could do for you and when that changed you just discarded them like they were nothing.”

“Why did they tell you?” Steve asked as Bucky shrugged.

“Because I have been there myself.” He told him. “I’m the only one who really understands how they felt.”

“Do you think they would try and do something?” Nat questioned as she looked between the couple.

“Well, they have tried once before but their mom found them.” Bucky answered her. “She managed to get them to the hospital in time to get their stomach pumped.”

“Do you think they would try again?” She pressed on, watching as Bucky thought hard.

“It’s possible.” He told her. “None of us know what they witnessed on their last tour, and they already felt as though they weren’t enough their whole life thanks to their father.”

“Should we do something?” Natasha questioned as Steve was already on his phone, dialing their number. Y/N watched as the phone kept ringing as they held the pistol in their hand, their breathing the calmest it has been in a very long time. They waited until he tried to call them for the fifth time.

“Steve.” They said calmly as they answered the call.

“Please tell me you aren’t doing something stupid?” He pleaded as Y/N sighed. “Or can you please tell me where you are so I can come to you.”

“Do you know that it was nine years ago.” They started calmly. “Nine years ago I tried to make the right choice, I was failing college, I was a disappointment to my parents. My father barely ever talked to me, he was that disgusted by me.” Everyone listened as Steve had the call on loudspeaker. “But when I woke up after, did you know what he said to me? Maybe you can get it right next time. Who the hell says that to their own child huh? So that’s why I joined the military, I wanted a way to make my meaningless life mean something but I couldn’t even do that right either.”

“Please just tell me where you are?” He pressed again.

“We never had a choice about being brought into this world, but we can have a choice on how we leave this life behind.” They repeated their words from weeks ago. “I never liked this room, you know.” They wold them. “I always hated it. I tried so many times to escape it but I always seem to come back here. Maybe this is where it’s supposed to happen.”

“Please let us help you.” Bucky pleaded as the two followed Bucky to the car, knowing that he knew exactly where they are.

“It’s too late for me.” They whispered. “I can’t keep living like this, hell it's not really living, not with the constant thoughts and demons I have in my mind and I’m tired. I just want it to be over.”

“No!” Nat yelled from the back seat as Bucky drove as fast as he could. “Please don’t.”

“I’ve made up my mind.” They told them as they cocked the pistol, moving it to aim at their head. “I’m just being the coward you think I am. At least I won’t be there to ruin anything for you anymore.” Nat was shaking her head as Bucky turned down a road in their old high school district. “Just know that I tried, I really did but I can’t keep on going like this, the nightmares, the failures, everything is just, I feel like I’m drowning.” They spoke shakily. “I hope you guys understand.” Before anyone could answer, they hung up just as they pulled up in their old street, soon flinching as they heard a deafening gunshot, knowing exactly what they’re going to witness as soon as they walked inside Y/N’s childhood home. Their hearts breaking knowing that they wouldn’t see their friend anymore, all that they had were now memories, tainted with the knowledge that Y/N was never truly happy.

[thepoparena]

Thoughts on "Quiet on Set"

I imagine, being one of Youtube’s “Nickelodeon Content Creators”, you want to know what I thought. QUIET ON SET, the new four-part documentary detailing inappropriate behavior and abuse on the set of Dan Schneider’s various Nickelodeon shows, starts off on its worst foot, with all the earmarks of trashy tabloid journalism. A couple of gossip journalists walk us through events and interject how you’re supposed to feel about them. There’s one moment where Leon Frierson, former ALL THAT cast member, talks about how uncomfortable some of the costuming made him, about how the noses on a nose-themed superhero costume has some unfortunate phallic resemblances, and then we cut to a writer from Buzzfeed going “and then the sneeze gag is basically a cum shot joke!” Frierson never says that. In a later episode, a similar comparison is made to a gag on ZOEY 101, but there it’s actress Alexa Nikolas making that connection from the workplace environment she had found herself in. It’s an authentic observation, where in the earlier example it was outsider sensationalization, playing to the “crusaders” on Twitter and Tiktok where the public side of Schneider drama has mostly lived over the past decade. They bring on Marc Summers, Nickelodeon elder statesman who had virtually no presence in this era of the channel, for all of twelve seconds so that he can watch a clip of a Schneider show and go “oh, wow, they aired that?”

You can imagine how the producers' eyes must have lit up when they learned that Brian Peck, former Nick dialogue coach and convicted sex offender, owned a John Wayne Gacy painting. I mean, yeah, that’s fucked up, but it has virtually nothing to do with anything. It is, however, a perfect “can you believe this” moment that can be clipped and shared on social media for shock value. It’s something that the documentary can ride as a viral moment.

QUIET ON SET was produced for Investigation Discovery, whose bread and butter is schlocky true crime documentaries. Shows like EVIL LIVES HERE and WHO THE (BLEEP) DID I MARRY. Not exactly tasteful television. The channel is owned by Warner Bros Discovery, and was simultaneously released on Max. Warner Bros Discovery owns Cartoon Network. The documentary puts emphasis on Nickelodeon being on the top of the children’s cable game, and often brings up the Disney Channel as Nick’s main competitor. At no point is Cartoon Network mentioned, because, well, nobody wants to say their competitor is doing better than them, and saying you’re doing better than Nickelodeon would defeat the documentary’s narrative. My point is that I do not believe QUIET ON SET comes from a genuine place. It’s cheap schlock shock documentary filmmaking that wants to attract the same crowd who watch serial killer shows for fun. However. It’s also a space where a lot of people who were hurt during this time at Nickelodeon have come forward to tell their stories, and that pretty much nullifies all the gross exploitation elements present in the early parts. When these people start speaking for themselves, the documentary has no choice but to let them speak, and its more garbage instincts fade away. By the time Drake Bell starts telling his story, the gossip journalists all but vanish until the end, and there’s a stronger sensitivity to everything. The topics raised are harrowing. Workplace discrimination, sexual harassment, child abuse, sexism on set, racism on set, and general mispractice paint a meaningful picture of the toxic environment Nickelodeon was allowing at this time. The stories told by AMANDA SHOW writers Christy Stratton and Jenny Kilgen are infuriating. And then the sexual assault of Drake Bell by Brian Peck. Not an easy watch. It shouldn’t be an easy watch. What a fucking awful thing. It’s heartbreaking to watch. The documentary handles it with an unexpected tact and evenhandedness. It doesn’t excuse Bell’s later behaviors, and it allows Schneider to come off as one of the few adults who handled the situation correctly, even if the rest of the documentary is largely against him. I wish this had been the tone of the entire piece. QUIET ON SET is an important document of a terrible entertainment workplace. It’s a shame they dumped a bunch of trash on top of it. It’s not an easy watch, but it’s one of those things that’s going to be referenced to a lot over the years, and I hope that the people who make children’s television were learn the right lessons from it.

[olderthannetfic]

For curiosity's sake, when do you choose not to answer an ask or post it on the blog?

--

In the past, I posted basically everything unless it was a pile of slurs or a death threat.

More recently, I've been getting way more asks, so I'll tend to weed out some that are getting too repetitive or that I find terminally stupid.

If it's some tired garbage like "Okay, but slash = internalized misogyny tho", I'll just block your ass for being at a 101 level and wasting my time. Some people aren't even worth debating: they don't deserve a seat at the table at all.

Sometimes, however, I try to put it in the queue and it goes in drafts instead because the dropdown doesn't work correctly and/or Tumblr just eats it and never shows it to me.

[pieheda]

So, I realized only after watching the Todd In The Shadows video AND the hbomberguy video that I, too, have caught James Somerton just making shit up.

I’m not going to cite actual video titles because he changes them all the time anyway so why bother, but he has one that’s about Angels in America and Rent. This is my jam, I’m a theater gay, so I watched them - and immediately felt like the main thesis would fail an English 101 class. The thesis was “people have the misperception that Rent was made before Angels in America, and why is that?” which is not a thing that people believe, actually. At least, not people who know how google works and can just look up release dates. I found myself thinking that maybe he and some friends were surprised at this, and he decided it was a widely held misperception. But I kept watching the video, and when talking about how popular Rent was when it premiered on Broadway, he said that it was taboo to even mention AIDS at the time.

That is completely untrue. I was an adult in 1996 when Rent was released on Broadway, and AIDS was no longer a taboo subject in the US. There is plenty of data out there to support this, but I think it’s particularly compelling that in 1993, the movie Philadelphia, about a man suing his employers for firing him upon learning that he has HIV, was an enormous box office hit. It won Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen both Oscars, for Best Actor and Best Original Song. The Oscars aren’t very daring, perhaps you’ve heard. They aren’t big on giving out awards for things that everyone is terrified to talk about.

In another video that is cited by Todd in the Shadows, I realized that I had ALSO caught James making shit up in that one. When I watched the video for Red, White, and Royal Blue, James said that all these straight women wanted gay romance without sex and I laughed and said “they most definitely do not want that”, because I’m a fan girl and I’ve seen AO3. No research needed to debunk that, most if not all women who knowingly consume gay romance absolutely want there to be some fucking. The only person who would complain about that would be some exceptionally clueless homophobe who accidentally stumbled into this movie.

Both of those things, when I saw them, made me shake my head and say “that’s just not true.” I even commented on the Rent video.

What I did not do is think hard about what exactly is going on here. My opinion of Somerton went down with each of those discoveries, but it wasn’t very high to begin with; I never have liked his presentation style, because of how often he talks down to the people he’s discussing or to his audience. But frankly, there’s a lot of content out there that plays free and loose with the facts or starts with a bad premise (“people have this misperception” with no evidence of that isn’t far off from “Marvel fans on twitter hate this movie!” followed by only 5 tweets cited in the article). I just accept that people lie on the internet, I didn’t expect better. I didn’t stop to consider that gays really should do better, particularly we should not lie to one another about gay culture and history, and ESPECIALLY not when claiming to be doing what we do for the purpose of uplifting gays. I didn’t google to see if there were other issues with him, because if I had I would have learned about him getting into it with Jessie Gender and wouldn’t have given him a view ever again.

We’ve reached such a garbage state that I overlooked that. Seeing everything he’s done all lined up in these two videos had a real impact on me. Todd is absolutely right that it’s abominable to add to all the misinformation in the world, and hbomberguy is right that it’s particularly egregious for James to rob from gay writers who don’t have the funds and attention that James does. But it’s especially bad to just make shit up about gay history and the current state of gay acceptance, particularly when James constantly had the perspective that it’s always bad and gay men always have it the worst. Most likely the “everyone hates gays like me especially” was a calculated choice to create an attitude of persecution within his fandom so that they would accuse anyone calling him out of homophobia. But misinformation about acceptance is ALSO harmful to our community. It’s harmful to go around believing that people are out to get you when they aren’t. The cost of damaged mental health is ALSO important.

And he coldly exploited that because there’s a stupid fucking app that is tailor made for grifters to make cash hand over fist by confirming their audience’s worst fears and creating new anxieties in them. It’s absolutely ghoulish.

[smytherines]

☠ agent curt mega pretty pleaseeee

Ooooohhh angry/violent headcanon for Curt. This is an interesting one. I wrote waaaay too much here and I'm probably gonna end up in fandom jail for this one, but...

I mean we've talked about this before, but I genuinely do not see the horrible toxic manipulative Owen/little innocent cinnamon roll Curt dynamic that a lot of people seem to get from A1P1. It just doesn't track for me with what actually happens in that scene. Interpretation is an art, and everyone's art style is different, I just personally can't see anything to support it.

For me, pre-fall curtwen is a relationship of equals. Equals who often irritated each other because they were very different people (but also because they were very similar people), equals who didn't have any real concept of how to have a healthy relationship (especially with another man), equals who individually had a lot of flaws and messed up coping mechanisms and (in my headcanon at least) neurodevelopmental disabilities that made them uniquely suited for espionage, but also gave them all sorts of weird problems that they had no way of understanding or fixing. For me, they each gave as good as they got. For better or worse.

So keeping that in mind, I think about that part of A1P1 where Cynthia is insulting Curt while trying to recruit Owen to A.S.S., because that interaction, and what comes after it, is very important for my understanding of who pre-fall Curt was as a person.

Even though Owen doesn't entertain the idea of working for A.S.S. for even a second, Curt gets jealous, and pissed off, and hangs up on Cynthia. I think Owen's line is "What are you, jealous? You know I'd never work for the Americans," and its incredulous, like its a silly thing for Curt to get upset about because Owen would never even consider it. Curt pulls his flask out as soon as the call is over, and he responds to Owen pretty sharply by saying "Oh I do know that you couldn't handle it." He responds as if Owen has threatened his status at A.S.S.

We see this dynamic again when Owen chastises him for drinking, and Curt mocks his accent while saying "not until the jobs done." We see it again when Owen gestures to the banana peel like "what are you doing," and Curt responds fairly harshly with (I think, I'm doing this off memory) "this whole place is about to be garbage anyways, who gives a shit."

Those moments, for me, imply that Curt gets embarrassed easily, he gets jealous easily, and that he reacts very defensively when he is criticized, which is just Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria 101. It couldn't get more typical RSD than that. And each criticism, even though they're individually pretty mild, just seems to make him act more recklessly during A1P1, like he's trying to show that actually he's a badass and Owen just worries too much. Again, very RSD.

The thing about RSD is that- especially when you don't know you have it- sometimes your first impulse is to get furious. Not annoyed. Not irritated. But like blood pulsing in your ears, seeing red kind of furious. Your heart rate elevates. It's like your body goes into fight or flight, and more often than not your body is going to pick fight. And because ADHD is a lifelong thing, unless you're getting treatment or at least a diagnosis and information, you literally have no concept that this is not how other people react emotionally, so you justify your own behavior because you truly do not understand that this isn't normal (ask me how I know hahahaaa)

As much as we love them, and as much as I truly believe they loved each other, they probably got into a fair few fistfights over the years. These are two men who are accustomed to violence. Who are very good at violence. Who have a flirty torture scene and then tell the guy whose knees Owen just shot out that "you've just been used for sport" (Owen), and "I hope you had fun- I know we sure did" (Curt).

To me, pre-fall Curt seems like the type to put Owen down a lot with relatively minor digs "as a joke" (aka he is bad with feelings), and to some degree it doesn't bother Owen that much because that's just how they are. They banter. But sometimes, maybe when Owen is tired or feeling particularly sensitive that day, he'll go straight for the jugular- zero in on the thing Curt is most sensitive about. With Curt its death by a thousand cuts, with Owen its a laser guided missle.

I've talked about this before too, but I think that by the time we get to A1P1 Curt probably already has a bit of a drinking problem. After the fall, drinking is just how he manages to survive his grief. But I think before the fall he could get miserable and sour and petty while drunk, take out his insecurities on the people around him, and probably on occasion just start fights because he's bored and will take any stimulation he can get.

I don't think this is just a thing he does with Owen either, I think this has probably been a problem for him his whole life. He feels things very close to the surface. He is very emotional, which is a thing you're not allowed to be as a man, as a boy/teen/man in the 30s, 40s, and 50s, and a thing that is very dangerous if you are a gay man during this time period.

He also has a big fucking ego. During the 54 Below concert spoken intros they describe what happens in A1P1 as "when these two spies are together they are gay and unstoppable- until Curt's ego gets in the way." And I think a big part of that ego is wrapped up in his performance of his gender. That if he's the very best at this extremely hypermasculine profession then nobody will notice any of the stereotypically feminine traits he has, no one will think he is actually sensitive and tender-hearted and more vulnerable than he appears. He thinks that performing stereotypical 1950s masculinity will insulate him from anyone ever finding out his secret- that he likes men, that he's in love with a man.

Also, ADHD can make you very impatient, easily bored, and Jesus let me tell you I know from experience that when an ADHDer gets too bored for too long, they get irritated. At everything, at nothing. So the combination of these factors makes me think that he probably was the kind of kid to get into scraps (especially at any suggestion that he was not masculine enough), the kind of adult who felt too much and got it out with aggression. He was a brawler. Spying helped focus his aggression. He got to still have it, but he got to feel like it was serving a noble purpose.

I do also think that, even if he gave Owen a lot of shit (particularly for the crime of not being American), if someone insulted Owen in front of him, or if one of their enemies hurt Owen, I fully believe Curt would go full-on berserker mode to defend Owen. So it isn't entirely a negative thing. He can utilize his anger and violence to protect people he loves too.