#galifianakis girls stand up

[heartin3s]

no because when is he going to be recognized as the heartthrob he is

[darklydeliciousdesires]

Sky Full of Stars - Chapter Eighteen.

Previous chapters - One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen

Tag list - In the comments

Words - 5,039

Warnings - 18+ content throughout. Minors DNI!

“It’s him, I swear it!” 

Laughter abounded, especially those who knew Jade of old.  

“Baby, it isn’t him. This is you and the Dalai Lama all over again. Or that time you thought a random homeless guy was Zach Galifianakis.”  

Lewis nearly fell from the bench at the outside table they were seated at, enjoying some after dinner drinks. “Oh my god, you never knowing who anybody is, it’s legendary at this point!" 

“But I do know who that is over there!” she stated emphatically. “It’s Lance Reddick!  

Everyone was set for her to see that once again, she was making a blunder, until Jade caught the eye of the man and waved. He beamed, standing up immediately. “Hello, darling!”  

“Fucking told you, every last one of you!” she chirped, getting up and walking to greet the man she’d co-starred with in a film the year before, giving him a big hug. “Hiya! Aww, it’s so nice to see you again! Everyone said it wasn’t you, because of what I’m like with recognising people.” 

Lance tipped his head back, laughing softly. “Indeed, I am well-schooled in your comedic blunders!” He introduced himself to everyone with handshakes, Jess having to virtually heave her jaw up off the floor, being such a huge fan, delighted when he posed for a picture with her. He went back to his table shortly after, Jade and her group staying for a few hours before returning to the house.  

More drinks were poured, the staff gone for the night so dangerously, Jade and Jen putting themselves in charge of the cocktail mixing.  

“Fuck me,” Adrien began in exclamation after taking a sip. It was so strong, it could have knocked Keith Richards out cold. 

“You bet your sexy arse, I will, Bug,” Jade cut in with, grinning devilishly before licking her top lip.  

“Behave,” he warned, but still winked in a way that said loud and clear she was getting laid well later. “Seriously, that’s like drinking peach flavoured gasoline.” Still, he downed it in one, refusing a refill and sticking to beer. While the drinks were created, Jess deciding to put a whole array of fresh fruits and syrups into the blender with vodka and rum, Mona stayed away from everyone, Lewis included.  

Adrien had filled him in on her ridiculous statements made to Jade, and to say he was mortified by her behaviour was putting it mildly. He wished more than anything now that he’d made the trip solo, rather than bringing along the woman who was showing a completely different side to herself, one he did not enjoy witnessing. Maybe fifteen years younger than him was too big an age gap.  

He had to hand it to the women, though. They tried to make her feel welcome, calling her over, offering her drinks. She took one with a small nod of thanks, not daring to look Jade in the eye. She sauntered off again, the girls moving to take seats out on the plush patio couch, Adrien lingering by the doors, Lewis informing him he was tired and heading to bed. He remained there, just about within earshot of the three women sitting observing Mona, bolstered by alcohol. 

“I swear, I cannot with this girl,” Jade began, shaking her head as she watched Mona totter around to the other side of the pool. “She’s like all the worst parts of a typical LA girl all mashed together, fuelled by forty percent rum, sixty percent being a pretentious bitch whose far too invested in acting like a dick to me. I should tit punch her, really,” she continued, Jen spraying a mouthful of peachy rum infusion. 

Turning to where Adrien stood, she tried to bite back her laughter a little, but trying not to explode was a tough battle. Drunk Jade was, and always would be, the most hilarious version of herself without a doubt. “Homeslice, are you hearing this?”  

“Look at her, it’s like watching a barracuda on stilts! She’s made of wedge heels and hostility.” Jade then added, her husband snorting a laugh. 

“Baby love, stop it,” he laughed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You’re above this.” 

“I will not, I’m a little bit lit and my filter has slipped.” The hiccup that followed her words was right on cue, her lips tightening and wobbling as she tried not to laugh. “No, I will, though. You’re right, I am above this. I’m just drunk and irritated. They never mix well.” 

His face was very knowing in the wake of those words. “Ohhh yes, this I can vouch for. I’ll never forget the first time I witnessed that, you and Katie crashing back into the dressing room after the third LA show, when you’d gotten off stage and had that interview straight after?” Immediately, there was wincing at the memory. God, he’d been an asshole to them both.  

“I remember sitting there with Charlotte, watching you two do tequila shots, getting more drunken, more agitated and louder by the minute,” he continued, coming to sit with them, “so I asked her what the hell should I do to counteract that. She told me, and I quote, ‘I sit on Katie’s face until she shuts up, but you might wanna switch that around and just let her ride yours until she isn’t angry any longer.’ It worked, too.” 

“Yeah, and then you made me come so hard, I fell forward and smacked my head right off the pissing table in the rear lounge!” Her words had Jess and Jen wheezing at the memory of being told of her collision the following morning.  

He lit a cigarette, beginning to grin. “I can’t be held responsible for any collateral damages incurred because of my tongue.” 

Jen’s laugh boomed, even more so at Jess snorting loudly into her glass. They were one of those couples who didn’t have to try too hard to be funny; they just were.  Funny, lovely, and still as sexually crazy about one another as they had been upon meeting almost three years before. This was evidenced well when Jade woke up the following morning to the warming sensation of his mouth upon her breasts, peppering kisses, sucking her nipples, hand stroking her thighs until they parted for him. 

“So, you’ve woken up full of horn, have you?” 

“Mm.” He often did, to be fair. Even when he was still heavy with sleep, as she knew he was, only communicating in a series of hums. While his mouth sucked at her nipple lazily, his hand moved to stroke between her folds with focus, finding her still a little damp from when he was inside her hours before. His fingertips rubbed, coaxing little moans as he pushed them into the warmth of her cunt, hooking and raking, stroking languidly as his tongue fluttered over the pebble peak of her nipple.  

His arm reached beneath her shoulders, pulling her to him, mouth meeting hers in soft, languid kisses, her little moans making his cock twitch as his fingers burrowed deep. She wrapped herself around him, body melding with hers as he stoked the furnace of her arousal, fingers leaving her melting syrupy, panting against his tongue.  

Little shocks skittered over her as he brought his thumb to her clit, rubbing tight, slick little circles, mouth dipping to her neck as she whined softly, her walls fluttering as he continued to massage the spots that pulled those pretty noises from her throat.  

“Fuck, you’ve got be dying for your cock,” she murmured, feeling him turn onto his back and take her with him. 

“Get on it, then.” His fingers slipped from her, Jade reaching between them and guiding him to where she streamed for him, sliding down with a sigh. “No, stay right here.” he added when she moved to sit up, arms wrapping around her, keeping her pressed tight against his chest. Gentle rolls of his hips had him filling and emptying her, mouth pressing against the plush of her lips as their tongues nudged, moaning into those kisses full of lazy longing.  

Split wide around his cock and pressed so tight against him, the way he moved had his pubic bone grinding right against her clit, lighting sparks that prickled deep, hot flourishes darting through her as she held his face in her hands and kissed him with escalating passion.  

“Ahh, fuck! Right there, god, that feels amazing!” she cried, his cock hitting her deep, hands roaming up and down her back, the sound of him cutting through her dewy cunt lewdly filling the space. Looking down at him, she beamed a smile, resting her forehead to his. “Your eyes look so goddamned pretty when you’re turned on.” Another kiss, another revelation. “Seriously, how can a man so fucking beautiful exist? How? God, you make me crazy with how gorgeous you are.”  

Even after two and a half years, he still felt ever inch as madly coveted by the beauty he was lucky enough to be married to, smiling, nuzzling her, his hands sliding down to grasp each round of her bum, driving up into her hard.  

“Yeah, my beautiful baby,” he groaned, mouth hot at the side of her neck, “you moan pretty for me. Fuck, I love you so much.”  

She sparked and clenched, being built up, Adrien watching intently as her mouth fell open, her eyes closing as the coil wound tighter and tighter, knowing it wouldn’t take long until… 

“Fuck! Ahh, fuck!” she cried, heat licking her spine and rushing through her being, every nerve alight as she came undone for him, her snug heat clenching greedily as her waves lapped his shore, rolling in and out again, her body tingling euphorically. 

He slowed a little, enjoying her cunt in spasm around him, proud of himself that he’d held back and not let her pull him under with her, fucking her slowly as she caught her breath before the pace gave way to something much more barbarous. His cock felt heavy and delicious within her, sparking wildfire through her tender insides, sparks of pleasure reconnecting again as he dragged her walls deliciously, shifting a little lower to suck each budded nipple, her body juddering pleasantly against his. 

His fingers clenched at her thighs, fingernails leaving pink crescents behind, growling with absolute abandon in her ear as he chased a herd of goose pimples across her neck and chest with his lips, consumed by her entirely.  

His cock thundered into her voraciously, their skin beginning to bead with sweat as the heat of their tryst coupled with the rising tropical heat warmed their bodies, Adrien watching the bliss etched upon her face as he fucked her with pure, driven determination. 

“Mmmm, yeah. Come for me,” she purred, and when he did, god. It hit him like a storm. 

His cock, glossy with her wetness, twitched before erupting, cum shot deeply into her as expletives spilled from his mouth, gritted groans following as her tightness clenched and she saw stars once again too, his thick erection eliciting another blinding crest as she arched her back and wailed in ecstasy. 

“Wow,” he mouthed, looking a little sex drunk, holding her close, hands stroking her sweaty flesh as she lay against him juddering hard, “I feel like I just got hit by lightning.” 

“Same.” she panted, clung onto him, knocked sideways by the force of her orgasm. It was the kind of sex so blindingly intense, not just from the physical pleasure, but the intimacy of the moment, that it dictated they barely left one another’s side in the aftermath. The showered together, went and ate breakfast, and then spent the rest of the morning wrapped around one another in the pool.  

“You gotta thing, don’t you, about deliberately wearing things that show a little hint of your nipples,” he spoke, eyes transfixed by the slight reveal of pink through the white crochet bikini she had on. “Mmm, sexy wife, happy life.” he chuckled, gently biting onto one, making her giggle.  

“I do, but only because I know it gets you all amped up, my darling,” she spoke sweetly, his mouth covering her breasts in kisses.  

“And on vacation that’s fine, but I’m still not over you and that chainmail top. Damn you.” He’d never forget it either, her choice of outfit for the US premiere of Predators, which happened to be the first time they appeared officially as a married couple on the red carpet. Adrien had struggled to keep his hands off her, dressed in a pair of black stripper heels, skintight black leather jeans and a near backless top comprised entirely of pale gold chainmail. She knew exactly how to work provocative to her advantage, whether it was to him or the rest of the world.  

Her giggles continued as his mouth rained kisses all over her, undoing the halter and back of her bikini top and throwing it to the edge of the pool. “Am I about to get dropped on the best cock in the world, hmm?” 

“Oh yeah.” With nobody else up yet, why not take advantage of that, Adrien backing her against the pool edge as their kisses gained heat. That was, until... 

“Hey Skip!” Jen called, Jess at her side placing her little fingers into her mouth and letting out a piercing wolf whistle. “No sex in the pool unless I get to join in!”  

Adrien turned to her, mouth widening into a grin. “Well then what are you waiting for?”  

Of course, she pulled off the cover up she had over her swimsuit and dived right in, swimming beneath the water. “Oh fuck, she’s got my shorts!” he exclaimed, almost deafening a giggling Jade from the loudness of his yell. “Jen, quit it!”  

“What did she do?” Jess called from the opposite side, Mona and Lewis appearing. 

“Bit me on the ass!” Well, if you’re going to openly invite trouble, Jen surfacing with a grin, holding his shorts aloft. 

“Success!” she yelled, hurling them across the patio area, turning back to beam at him. “And now whatcha gonna do, huh, homeslice?”  

He looked embarrassed for all of five seconds, resting Jade up on the edge of the pool before turning and grinning. “You? You’re in fucking trouble now, Crowley.” Under the water he went, grabbing the straps of her swimsuit, Jen screaming, pleading with her bestie for help.  

“Uh-uh, you started this, Jennifer.”  

Oh, how bad her own medicine tasted, Jen screaming and thrashing as she was robbed of her swimwear, Adrien making his escape beneath the water to the shallow end, using the ill-gotten swimsuit to cover his crotch as he climbed out and located his shorts, ducking behind a leafy potted plant to pull them back on. Emerging to hysterical laughter, he dangled the bright blue swimsuit off his index finger.  

“Checkmate.” He grinned, Jen raising her middle finger.  

With pink cheeks, she covered her face with her hands while treading water. “Fucking hate you so hard right now, man!”  

“Now, now, don’t be mean,” he teased, Jen covering her boobs with her arm and making a grab for the suit, Adrien tossing it behind him with a wink. “Go get it.”  

“Oh, you’re dead.”  

He shook his head, cracking up at his wife’s laugh booming ever louder. “Nope, but you keep up the threats and I’ll move quicker than you and throw it even further.”  

With no other choice presented, she scrambled out of the pool, screaming on the way when he slapped her on the ass hard. “Quit it!” she cried, sending everyone further into their hysteria. 

“That’s for biting me. Learn your lesson.”  

All found their shenanigans entertaining, Jen hiding behind the furniture to dress while Adrien returned to sit behind his wife, hugging her tightly as they relaxed at the pool edge, all apart from one. One who seemingly couldn’t get over her fixation.  

“I swear, you two are the greatest hilarity,” Jess laughed, pointing between Jen and Adrien a little later as they sat eating breakfast at the table. “It’s like a never-ending buddy comedy!” 

“He ain’t my buddy right now!” Jen spluttered, growling playfully as Adrien wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her head. 

“You gotta know that I’ll always get you back,” he spoke, Jen pulling a hilariously tight-lipped face, crinkling her nose. “It isn’t like I haven’t seen you naked already anyway. You’re not exactly precious about it.” 

“I am with people I don’t know well!” she exclaimed, extending her hand across the table. “Lewis and Mona didn’t need to see my bare butt.” Everyone laughed, the taste of her own medicine still not sitting well, all but one person finding that funny. She sat shaking her head, eyebrows raised, a disparaging look cast across the table. 

“What’s that face for, Mona?” Adrien asked, not able to stop himself. He knew he probably wouldn’t like what she had to say, but he wanted to see if she had the nerve to make the same insinuations about him as she had been to his wife. Mostly, he wanted to shut them down, too.  

“Because I can’t believe you have so many people fooled,” she spoke with a shrug, leaning back in her seat.  

“Babe, stop,” Lewis warned. 

“No, no. I mean is nobody going to hold you accountable here? Look at earlier this morning, for fucks sake! You and Jen all over each other right in front of your wife!” she exclaimed, Jen’s eyes darting up to meet hers.  

“You need to shut the fuck up, right now,” she warned. 

“No, let her continue,” Adrien spoke, raising his eyebrows as he viewed Mona with mild contempt. “I want to hear what she thinks she knows, since she has a habit of doing this. Why don’t you just come out and say it. What, you think I’m screwing Jen, really?” 

She scoffed, shaking her head. “It’s all kinds of obvious that you are.” 

What was this girl on? God above. They’d only just managed to shake themselves of one person with way too much to say about their relationship, and now they were presented with another?  

“You really have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” Jen spoke, pointing at her. “That guy there? One of my closest fucking friends, and if you think I’d ever be so low as to fuck my best friend’s husband, then you’ve got another thing coming, you hear me?” 

“Oh, close friends. That old line, huh?” she further goaded, Lewis covering his face with his hand. 

How Jen held herself back from flying across the table and punching her in the mouth, she wasn’t quite sure. Probably something in the back of her mind knowing that she had to be on her guard to stop Jade doing the exact same thing, which she sensed might be the reaction she was looking for. It didn’t prevent her from letting Mona have it verbally, though. 

“You know what, girly? When somebody saves your life, when they literally grab a hold of you and yank you back from dying, then you can fucking judge, and not a goddamned moment before, you feel me? That’s what he did for me, not that it’s any of your damned business, but that’s why we’re so close.  

“He’s my friend and I love him beyond measure, and on that afternoon when he found me, what very little was left of my heroin eroded soul got saved by him. If my best fucking friend is cool with the fact that after then, we became close as hell, then tell me, what the fuck has it got to do with you, huh? Tell me that.”  

Through her anger, her eyes went glassy, Adrien grasping her hand, Jade swiftly moving to sit herself on her lap and hug her tightly, fixing Mona with a glare. “My patience with you is wearing really fucking thin, Mona. I’d get up and walk away from this table if I were you. Nobody talks to her like that.” 

“Or what?” she snorted, looking to her boyfriend for support that was not forthcoming. God, he was so embarrassed by her. 

Jess waded in then, very uncharacteristically prickled. “Or you find out just how much we have one another’s back. I might be tiny, but shit, you better believe I’m fucking mighty. Do not make me get up from my seat.”  

They might have been two members of their group short, but when the girls stood together against an adversary, they stood firm. Jade especially, her patience whittled down to nothing. 

“You’ve had your fucking knickers in a bunch since you arrived, and it all seems to stem from what you think is happening in my marriage. Let me say this clearly; the rumours of my husband cheating are a pile of crap, perpetuated by a young woman who is now finally receiving psychiatric help. Her claims? None of them can be backed up, she did not bring receipts other than fake text messages that anybody can create and badly done Photoshop creations.  

“It’s obvious that you want to believe it, or rather, you want me to be more affected than I am by it. Either way, couldn’t give a shit, but whatever the fuck it is within you that’s spurring you into attempting to make me feel like I have something to worry about, you need to address it. All of this that you’re doing, it says much more about you than it ever could me, or Adrien. Now, do us all a favour and shut the fuck up if you can’t say anything civil.” 

Oh, yes. Jade Brody had reached the end of her tether. Those who knew her best were wondering when her patience would finally give out. As for Mona, she sat there wordlessly, still wishing for Lewis to say something, the man himself shaking his head. 

“You’ve been unreasonable and shit stirring since we arrived, and that isn’t you. Fix it or go home, Mona. I’m not putting up with you behaving this way.” She was up and out of her seat in a flash, racing upstairs, Lewis running a hand down his face as he groaned softly. “I’m so sorry, guys. If it counts for anything at all, I honestly think it’s because she’s insecure and looking to bring people she can fully see aren’t down to her level.”  

Jade moved back to her seat, reaching across the table to grasp his hand. “I said exactly the same to Adrien the first night. It’s so obvious that’s where she’s coming from. I’ve tried to be firm but gentle with her because of it, because I can see she doesn’t have a scrap of self-esteem.” 

“I don’t know why, either!” he cried, lifting his hands aloft, reaching for his juice and taking a gulp. “I tell her all the time how amazing I think she is, and how beautiful. I honestly think she’s gotten herself all pressed about you three and that’s what it’s boiling down to. She’s jealous because you’re all famous and incredibly well-respected, and as well as my friends I’m still like, your number one fucking fanboy, too.”  

“Makes sense, I guess,” Jen spoke, taking a sip of her coffee.  

“All I know is that I’m done with silly little girls having an opinion on my marriage when they don’t know the first thing about it. At least the first one had an excuse, she was legit batshit crazy. No offence, Lewis,” Jade spoke, the man himself shaking his head. 

“None taken, babe. It’s fucking funny when you cut out how annoying it’s gotta be for you, because you and my boy, fucking happiest marriage I know of, my mom and dad aside.”  

It was that simple truth that stopped either of them from becoming more annoyed than they had been over the intrusion into their private life, the fact that the people casting aspersion – or those who believed the rumours – couldn't have been further from the truth. They were crazily in love with one another, and that was all there was to it.  

“I’m so sorry, man,” he offered, reaching across the table and grasping his friend on the shoulder, shaking his head. “You get rid of one crazy headcase and I fucking unwittingly bring you another.”  

“Ain’t your fault,” Adrien told him, sighing. “But I don’t want your girlfriend in this house if that’s how she’s gonna behave. You know you’re welcome, but she isn’t. Not after that.” 

He nodded, standing up. “I’m gonna go talk to her, see if I can get to the bottom of it.” He left, Jess the first to speak, her eyes wide as she pointed between her friends. 

“What the hell is it with you two and attracting crazy girls? I am fucking shook, I swear. Wow.”  

“I want to get away from the house for a while,” Jade spoke, turning to Adrien. “How about that hike?” 

“Yeah, let’s go.” Jess and Jen also expressed interest, the four of them thinking it likely better they give Lewis some privacy as he went about trying to figure out what on earth was wrong with his girlfriend, all departing together. They didn’t return until gone five that afternoon, all of them feeling a lot more relaxed for the four and a half hours of hiking various trails upon the island. 

“Hey man, how you doing?” Adrien asked after showering and changing, kissing his wife before she went outside with her girls, the guys sitting down in the lounge area.  

“Better now I’m single,” Lewis grunted, his friend wincing. No matter how much he disliked the attitude of his friend’s former girlfriend, them breaking up was not what he wanted it to come to. An apology and adjustment in attitude would have been perfectly sufficient. As he was to learn, though, Lewis had very good reason for calling time on their relationship. “So, I went and talked to her, and I learned something that fucking changed everything, man. You ain’t gonna like it, bro.” 

Adrien frowned, wondering what the hell he was about to hear. “I’m listening.” 

“It took a while of arguing back and forth, all of her behaviour not making sense at all, until she finally came out with the truth. She had a journalist approach her for information on you and Jade, said they’d pay her ten grand for any inside information she could get, any real-life observances that might incriminate you because of this whole cheating thing.  

“That’s why she’s been stirring shit up, all in the name of getting a rise and information for this article. I told her that she needs to be very careful going forward and to think twice about saying anything to said journalist, because if she came out with anything untrue, you guys would sue her for defamation. What concerns me is that she knows the truth about Jen and you being the one who found her. The chick might be well into her recovery, but she doesn’t want the whole world knowing the finer details of such a hard time for her, man.” 

His jaw clenched, a faint grumble sounding his throat as he pressed his hands against his face, fingers steepled as he emerged, mouth still covered. His frown dented from one side of his forehead to the other. “Can’t sue her for anything that actually happened, and it did, me being the one who found Jen. It’ll be another angle they can work, too, that I’m some kind of scumbag who's playing away from his wife with her best friend. Can’t really do much about that either as it’s just gossip, nothing that’s defamatory. Fuck. Jade’s gonna go insane, man.” 

“Dude, I’m so sorry,” Lewis began, Adrien shaking his head. 

“Wasn’t your fault. Just as long as she’s out of this house, because I don’t trust my wife not to knock her teeth out. Jen neither. Right now, I probably wouldn’t stop either of them.”  

“She’s gone, don’t worry. I told her to get the hell out, find a hotel and lose my number.” 

That was probably the best thing he could do. “You okay? I know you weren’t with her for a long time, but still, she was your girl and now you’ve found this out, can’t have been easy.”  

Lewis smiled thinly. “I’d rather have found out now after six months than way further down the line, you know? Fucking hustlers, man. She can go fuck herself.” 

Adrien stood, blowing out a long breath that puffed his cheeks. “Right, I gotta go tell her. Expect a bomb to go off shortly.”  

And boy, how it did as soon as Jade had been informed. Her meltdown wasn’t pretty, and Adrien didn’t blame her for her anger, Jen neither when he called her over, of course the news very much involving her, too. While Jen went inside to do tequila shots, receiving a very firm shoulder rub from Jess, Jade’s fury quickly dissipated into tears, standing at the edge of the pool in her husband’s arms. 

“Why can’t people just fucking leave us alone? It’s fucking sick, vying for us to be unhappy!” she cried, resting her face against his chest. 

“That’s exactly what it is, baby love. Some people, they’re only happy if others are miserable. I know I say this a lot, but it’ll blow over, then they’ll turn their attention to somebody else who probably doesn’t deserve it either. We know the truth though. Happier times are coming, you’ll see. Aside from all of this shit, you make me the happiest man alive. Love you, Moo.” 

Looking up at him, she smiled through her tears, his thumbs stroking them away. “Love you too, Bug.”  

And no matter how many people tried to meddle with that, she always would. She just had to hope that this was the end of it, the stress grating on her, on him, too. At least there was a silver lining, though, the nuisance that was Mona now gone, meaning the remaining eleven days of their vacation would be spent actually enjoying their time together. And boy, how they did.  

[let-it-raines]

another kind of green (3/?)

Emma Swan spends her days in pretty white dresses and heavy layers of makeup. Day after day and dress after dress, she poses for pictures and acts like she’s in love and having the happiest day of her life with the man standing next to her.

It’s not. This is all a gig, and at the end of the day, she’s no longer the girl in the pretty dress who’s faking getting married for a magazine cover or a wedding convention. Instead, she’s the girl who probably never wants to get married.

Little does she know, she already is.

Rating: Mature

a/n: for @xemmaloveskillianx​ as her gift for my giveaway ❤️ 

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2| 3 |

-/-

“Emma, do you want a salad with your steak?”

“Do I want it? No. Should I have it? Probably.”

Mary Margaret laughs at her and then turns to start cutting up some more lettuce. Emma always feels horrible whenever she comes over to the Nolans and they cook for her. She offers to help, but they all know they’re better off if she stays far away from the kitchen. One time she put the rolls in the oven, forgot about them, nearly burned the apartment down, and they haven’t let her near the oven – or stove for that matter - since.

She can definitely cook rolls. That was an accident.

“So,” Mary Margaret begins, “how did your dress fittings go yesterday? Did you like the dresses?”

“There was so much lace, Marg. Like, I have never seen so much in one day. It’s obviously going to be a trend next summer.”

“Yeah? I’ve always loved a lace wedding dress. You know, my dress was – ”

“A strapless, fitted dress that was a mermaid style and overlaid with lace. I know.”

Mary Margaret rolls her eyes and holds her knife up at Emma. “I may be a sweetheart of a human being, but I know how to defend myself.”

“Is that a threat?”

“You bet your ass it is.”

Emma scoffs and rises from the barstool the pour herself a glass of wine. “Is Ruby coming tonight?”

“She’s got a date with Mulan tonight before she goes to New York for two weeks for a few shoots.”

“What? They didn’t want to spend a romantic evening with you, me, and David?”

“You know, believe it or not, I don’t think the two of them think we’re a great time.”

Emma mock gasps. “Shocker.”

“Okay, ladies,” David sing-songs as he walks back into the apartment from where he’s been up on the rooftop grilling in his ridiculous apron, “I come with your steaks grilled to perfection, and I won’t hear a word otherwise.”

The three of them sit down around the small table in the corner of the Nolan’s apartment and eat their steaks, which are grilled to perfection actually, and share about their days. Mary Margaret only did paperwork from home today while David had a particularly difficult new police officer that isn’t quite catching onto the rules, which isn’t great when they had him out on patrol. Being a Lieutenant obviously isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be for David, but Emma knows he’d never want to be anything else.

“Hey, speaking of that, how strict is the background check part of becoming a cop?”

Both of them stop eating, the metal of their forks and knives clanking against the porcelain of their plates, and blink at her.

“Emma,” David hesitates, picking up a napkin to wipe his mouth, “you know you can’t. I mean, I would love for you to but – ”

“No, no, no,” Emma interrupts, raising her hands, “not for me. I don’t…you know I know I don’t want to be a cop, right? Like, super thankful for you, but with my history, I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole.”

David sighs. “I still hate how much of your life that bastard has fucked up. You should have so many more opportunities for what you want to do with your life.”

“I don’t want to deal with that. I just…ugh.”

If she buries her face in her hands and groans all night, she doesn’t have to tell them this, right? There’s no need for her to share what has to be one of the stupidest decisions she’s ever made. She can hoard that little secret forever and no one has to know what she apparently did while drunk off her ass in Las Vegas like the biggest cliché in the world.

Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis have nothing on her. Except for maybe the tiger and missing teeth and all that.

“Emma? Are you okay, sweetheart?”

“I’m fine,” Emma mumbles, not meaning it. “Igotmarried.”

“What?”

“What do you mean you got married?”

“Married?” David shouts before coughing and having to hit his chest. “What do you mean you got married? Who did you marry? I didn’t know you were seeing someone!”

“I’m not,” Emma explains, wanting to die a little inside. “Remember when we went to Vegas for that weird convention thing last month?”

“Yeah,” Mary Margaret answers while David continues to drill lasers into her head. You’d think he was her father and not her friend. “What about it?”

“Well, the guy who played the groom and I…spent the night together.” That gets her a groan from the both of them. She knows. She gets it. They’re not fans of her spending nights with men she doesn’t know, but she can handle herself. “And then we decided to drink too much instead of parting ways and somehow, we ended up at a chapel and got married. Legitimately. I checked. Our license is online and everything.”

She lets the two of them have their freak out for the next ten minutes or so. Mary Margaret never stops asking questions while David keeps muttering curses under his breath and seems not to have a fully functioning brain. It’s a lot to comprehend. She understands. She spent her entire day yesterday trying to figure out how this happened and what she was going to do about it.

Get it annulled, obviously.

Killian mentioned that, and when she got home after her fittings yesterday, she looked it up and made sure they qualified – the both of them not being in their right mind definitely qualifies them for an annulment. Killian probably had whiskey dick or something after the marriage, so she’s guessing they didn’t have sex afterward either. Before, yes. That’s a definite. After, nope. And apparently not consummating the marriage is still a legal reason for annulment in most states.

“How did you find out about this?” David finally asks when his brain starts working again.

“Killian found me yesterday and told me. He’s trying to become a cop in the A-1 district, funnily enough, which is why I asked about the background check thing. He was having his done when they came upon our marriage, which he didn’t tell them about…obviously.”

“You can’t say you don’t have a type.”

Emma flicks a piece of lettuce at Mary Margaret. “Remember how you threatened me with that knife earlier?”

“What?” David screeches, hands slamming against the table. They’re going to cause him to have an aneurism.

“Nothing, honey. So what are you two going to do about this marriage?”

“We’re going to get an annulment. He’s supposed to text me on when I have to go down to the station to talk to his recruiting officer about the whole situation, which I’m sure won’t really help his case, and then we’re going to find a lawyer or figure out how to do the paperwork ourselves.”

“And you’re okay dealing with a lawyer again?”

“I mean, I’d rather not, but all of the paperwork online looked…confusing. I don’t know. I’m not sure what exactly we’re going to do. I haven’t really processed it all. I still think I’m going to blink and it’s all going to be a dream.”

“Shit, Emma,” David sighs, the beginnings of a chuckle creeping into his voice, “you got married.”

Emma chunks her a throw pillow at him.

After the Nolans have finished interrogating her, but mostly laughing at her for this situation she’s ended up in, she tells them she’ll talk to them later but she’s going home. This has exhausted her, and she wants to sleep. As soon as she walks in her front door, she throws her keys on the entryway table where the envelope of her wedding pictures are still sitting, kicks off her shoes, and reaches under her shirt to take her bra off with all of the sweet, sweet relief that comes with that.

Her apartment is messy enough that it needs to be cleaned, but it’s a quarter until ten, and no one but her is going to see this place. Cleaning isn’t a priority.

Then again, when is it ever for her?

She’s not a slob by any means, but she’s not going to die if there are some clothes on the floor and a dish in the sink.

Sighing, she walks toward her couch and plops down onto the soft cushions, wondering if she’s going to fall asleep before she has the time to watch an episode of Downton Abbey, her newest mindless television show that most of the world has already seen. Emma’s turning on her TV when her phone buzzes in her hands.

Unknown number: Can you meet tomorrow?

Emma Swan: That entirely depends on who this is.

Unknown number: Killian Jones.

“Oh shit,” Emma mumbles under her breath. She was expecting to hear from him, but she’d almost forgotten in the last hour that she had this situation to deal with. She spent the whole night talking about him, but for a little while, she allowed herself to forget.

Emma Swan: I can meet tomorrow. What time? At the station?

Killian Jones: Does 1:00 PM work for you?

Emma Swan: That’s fine.

Killian Jones: See you tomorrow, love.

-/-

It’s been three years since Emma’s been in front of this police station. Three years, give or take a few weeks, but nothing about it has changed. Same red doors that need painting and same grimy concrete steps that do not make it an inviting prospect no matter your reason to go inside. Then again, who really wants to go to a police station? That’s not exactly what someone would consider fun.

Emma doesn’t exactly consider this fun.

The wine she had last night helped ease her into sleep, but this morning when her alarm went off to very annoyingly yell at her to go to the gym, all of her anxiety over having to be here today came back in full force that she channeled into her hour-long run on a treadmill that made too much noise. She should have taken a Pilates class or something instead. That way she wouldn’t have had to listen to the groan of the treadmill and would have had the voice of the instructor to distract her.

(Mulan always kicks her ass.)

God, why are police stations the absolute worst?

“Are you always so jumpy?”

Emma stumbles over her own feet with her jump, and Killian’s chuckle does not amuse her, not at all.

“Point proven,” he continues, swaggering up to her and down the rest of the steps that lead to the entrance. He’s got on a leather jacket despite it being sweltering out here, and she has no idea how he’s not sweating. She was sweating simply putting her bra on this morning. “It’s a pleasure to see you, love.”

“Did I not tell you not to call me that?”

“I don’t believe you did.”

“Well, I’m not your love, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call me as such.”

Killian bows – he freaking bows – and rolls his hand in circles in front of her. “As you wish, Swan.”

He’s a cocky son of a bitch, isn’t he?

“So,” Emma starts, taking a deep breath, “what do you need me to do in here exactly?”

“Tell the truth. It doesn’t exactly make me look too great to have gotten drunk enough to get married in Vegas while on a job, which I’m sure will be a reason to have my ass handed to me on many occasions, but I need you to tell the truth and explain that I honestly did not realize I had a better half.”

“Fine. Sounds simple enough.”

Killian nods, his lips pressed into a tight smile, before he opens up the door to that station for her.

“What? Are you a gentleman or something?”

“I’m always a gentleman, Swan.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

On instinct, Emma walks into the station and starts walking past the front desk like she still has access to the place, but she quickly holds herself back and stops, stepping backward and hoping that no one noticed her. When she sees Killian’s raised brows, she knows that he did. Dammit.

“Hello, Marlene,” Killian drawls out, laying on the charm a little too thick for whoever the new officer at the desk is. “I’m here for a meeting with Captain Roberts.”

“Is everything alright? I thought the tests for our new officers weren’t until next month.”

“Everything is just fine, love. He simply wanted to meet my lovely wife.”

Oh, son of a bitch. Why would he say that?

“You’re married?” Marlene gasps, eyes full of murder glancing over at Emma. Homegirl is plotting out ways to get rid of Emma’s body right now, and if she gets murdered, she is coming back to life to murder Killian. He’s probably met this woman two or three times in his life, and he’s already got her wrapped around his finger. What must it be like to be able to charm someone like that?

“It’s new. Roberts has heard me talking so much about her, and he’d love to meet her, aye?”

“Uh, o-okay,” Marlene stutters, her jaw still dropped open. “Let me ring him, and I’ll let you back.”

“Thank you, lass.”

Killian turns back toward Emma, waggling his brows and then winking, and she has absolutely no idea how this is the man, of all the men in the world, that she accidentally married.

What a sentence.

“Do you always use your looks to get what you want?”

“Are you saying I have the looks to be able to do that?”

“I do not have to do you this favor.”

“True,” he sighs, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. She almost shrugs him off, but then she sees Marlene looking at them again. “You’re doing me a kindness I don’t deserve.”

“Yeah, well, it takes two drunk idiots to get married.”

Killian quietly snorts underneath his breath while there’s a buzzing sound coming from the other end of the station with two doors opening and a group of cops walking out the door. She doesn’t think anything of it, doesn’t pay any attention, until she sees familiar brown hair and the same boots that he wore every single day.

Why the hell could Marlene not have gotten them inside any quicker? She was probably staring at Killian’s ass too much to put in the call quick enough. For a moment, Emma almost turns to Killian and asks him to do something dumb like kiss her so he can’t see her face, but she knows it’s too late. Besides, all two people making out in a police station will do is bring more attention to them.

Shit.

“Emma?”

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Killian’s arm tightens around her shoulder, and she can feel him taking everyone in as they walk by.

“Hi, Graham,” Emma sighs, forcing her smile. “How are you?”

He mumbles something to the other cops, guys she recognizes but can’t put a name to at the moment, and they keep walking while he stops right in front of them, taking in she and Killian and Killian’s arm wrapped around her shoulder.

“I’m good.” His smile is genuine, and she really doesn’t need him to be a good guy right now. But he will be. Of course he will be. “How about you? What are you doing here?”

“I, uh, well…it’s a funny story, you know. I – ”

“She’s the wife of one of new prospective officers,” Marlene, like the helpful soul she is, tells Graham. Killian barely manages to stifle his snort.

Graham’s brows nearly hit his hairline. “Is that so?”

“Killian Jones.” Killian sticks his hand out to shake Graham’s, the veins in both of their forearms popping out the slightest bit, and if a sink hole wanted to come and swallow her whole right now, she wouldn’t say no to that. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Detective.”

“Same to you. Where are you in your application?”

“I have the PAT scheduled for a few weeks from now after I finish all of my medical exams.”

“Well, let me know if you need anything. A friend of Emma’s is certainly a friend of mine.” Graham nods at her then, that same genuine smile still there. “I’d love to catch up soon, if you’d like.”

Killian’s arm feels like one thousand pounds on her shoulders. “Yeah, Graham, that’d be nice.”

“Good.”

As Graham walks away, Killian turns to say something to her, his mouth gaping, but he doesn’t get a chance to before Marlene is telling them to go upstairs to talk to Killian’s Captain…or almost Captain. She’s really not sure how all of that works. On the entire walk through the double doors and up the elevator, she can tell that Killian is practically vibrating out of his skin to ask her about whatever just happened, but he seems to have enough human decency not to do that.

Or maybe he’s terrified that she won’t go along and tell his Captain that he didn’t lie and this isn’t really a big deal. Though, he seems to have no issue telling other people in the station that he’s married.

If she ever does meet up with Graham again, which she probably won’t, she has no idea how to explain this to him. Then again, why the hell is she wondering how to explain to her ex-boyfriend that she’s married but she’s not really married and he probably shouldn’t beat himself up over the fact that she committed to someone else but not him even though he’s a really nice guy.

She really screwed him over, and Emma still hates herself for that. It’s just…she wasn’t ready.

This should really not be her focus right now, especially as she puts on that fake smile again and relays information to Captain Roberts about her and about Killian and about how they got into this whole mess. Killian getting drunk enough to not remember getting married is not a good look, but his Captain seems to understand. It’s awkward as hell, and she’d very much like to get this entire day and situation over with, but it drags on for at least an hour, going a little longer when he and Killian start talking about the football game last night. It takes her five minutes to figure out they’re actually talking about soccer. Who decided that America needed a different name for that sport than the rest of the world?

But eventually it’s over, which is a huge sigh of relief, and Emma is so damn ready to get out of this station and move on with her life.

“Thank you for that, Swan,” Killian says as they step out of the station and walk up the stairs, cars speeding by and the cranes of the nearby construction whirring so loudly it’s the only noises she can hear. “Can I buy you a coffee or something in thanks?”

She almost says no. she really does. That whole thing was draining, but a coffee sounds so damn good right now. “I like anything with hazelnut.”

“I can handle that.”

-/-

“So, how do you know Humbert? He’s how you knew where the precinct was, aye?”

“How do you know his last name? He didn’t introduce himself.”

“It was on his uniform.”

“Ah,” Emma sighs as she sips on her coffee. She doesn’t know what exactly it is that Killian bought her, but it’s fantastic…and much better than whatever gross thing he’s drinking. There’s no sugar or milk or creamer in there, and she doesn’t understand how anyone does that.

“I’m quite perceptive, darling.”

“I’m picking up on that.”

“And I’m guessing Detective Humbert is some kind of former lover. I’m not sure what exactly the relationship was.”

“I really don’t think that’s any of your business.”

Killian raises his hands. “I understand. It’s just that I quite fancy you from time to time when you’re not yelling at me asking how the hell we ended up getting married in Vegas. All I wanted to do was get to know you a bit.”

Emma huffs and flicks a sugar packet over at Killian. “You are full of yourself sometimes.”

He shrugs. “It happens.”

“And no offense, but I’m not entirely interested in getting to know your deep, dark secrets. What I am interested in, however, is figuring out how to get this marriage annulled. So why don’t we do that?”

“Discussing my divorce over a cup of coffee in a public café has always been a dream of mine.”

“Annulment, not divorce.”

“Touché, love,” Killian sighs, furrowing his brows as his lips curl into a smirk that has her stomach doing that fluttering thing that she is most definitely ignoring. “Touché.”

He flicks the packet of sugar right back at her.

Killian’s not going to make this easy, is he? At least she’s going to get a free coffee out of it.

-/-

-/-

Tag list: @xemmaloveskillianx​ @stahlop @shardminds @carpedzem @captainsjedi  @galaxyzxstark @thejollyroger-writer @kmomof4 @tiganasummertree @xellewoods @idristardis @karenfrommisthaven @shireness-says @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @a-faekindagirl @ultimiflos @jamif @dreameronarooftop15 @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke  @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @teamhook @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @superchocovian @ultraluckycatnd @cs-forlife @andiirivera @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64 @mariakov81 @spartanguard @snowbellewells @therealstartraveller776​ @onepunintendid​ @bluewildcatfanatic​

[billhaderlovebot]

vampire barry hcs.

@gazebros and i put together our collective genius again and created some self indulgent vampire hcs for our Babey.

after barry leaves the army, he's greeted by fuches.

a very old and very rude vampire who's never quite adapted to modern life as well as he thinks he has.

he turns barry himself, so that barry will have to do what he says. sire bond, and all that.

twilight wasn't lying about the excruciating pain stuff.

barry actually is pretty chill with being a vampire.

he's forgotten a lot of his time as a human, so he doesn't have much to compare it to.

he thinks it's cool that he doesn't have to sleep as much, and he can sleep for actual weeks at a time if he wants to.

the sunlight thing is a bummer.

he doesn't die, or anything, and he's usually okay if it's cloudy, but staying out too long in direct sunlight kinda hurts.

he's okay, apart from the whole, uh, blood sucking part.

he's okay with doing it to survive, but then he finds out what fuches really wants from him.

to kill for the sake of killing.

to get people out of the way.

and he has no choice.

he joins the acting class, he supposes, as an escape.

he hates how easy it is for him to kill.

he hates his own strength.

he's put his foot through the floor more than once while running down the stairs, late to class.

he's torn off the door and broken quite a few light switches, tearing them out of the ceiling.

he hates that he can sink his teeth into a human's throat as easily as if it were butter.

he hates that draining the life from someone is as effortless as it is. second nature.

he needs to be around humans, he finds.

he needs to remember that there's a reason for him being here.

not just to kill.

to live

and experience

and create a new life separate from the one he's forgotten so much about.

and in the acting class, he meets you.

and you're so wonderful.

you make him feel like he's alive.

his heart doesn't beat any longer, but he seems to forget about all that when he's with you.

and apparently, the thing about vampires being hopeless romantics is not a myth, because he falls for you so hard.

it doesn't take you long to figure out he's a vampire, either.

it was small things, really.

he was cold. and sometimes he didn't move for like... a solid hour.

also, um, his complete lack of reflection threw you.

but you were too far in love with him for it to bother you.

"so, were you waiting for me to ask you about your obvious vampirism?"

"huh?"

"barry, you're dead."

"oh. yeah. will you be my girlfriend, by the way?"

"fuck yeah."

the first time he kisses you, he ends up pushing you through the drywall of his apartment.

"holy shit, are you okay?"

"yeah, yeah, fine, i'm just... inside the wall."

"sorry."

"you're a good kisser."

you forget he's a vampire, sometimes.

when he's coming to stay at your house, and you go inside to make coffee or whatever, and notice that he hasn't come in with you.

he's just standing on the doorstep.

all polite and stuff.

just waiting.

in the rain.

"bear?"

"hm?"

"what are you-- oh!"

"yeah, you gotta invite me in."

"shit, sorry. come in."

"it's chill. wanna watch zack galifianakis?"

and then you spend the whole night debunking vampire myths.

it's 3am, and barry is ok because he doesn't need sleep for another few days.

you're sprawled on your bed, and he's running his fingers through your hair, and you're just staring up at him with The Biggest Heart Eyes.

and he knows he would do anything for you.

the human girl he fell in love with.

"your eyes are so beautiful."

that kinda stops him in his tracks.

"are they? i don't know what they look like."

"wait, you- don't you remember?"

"my human life is kinda... fuzzy? like trying to see through dirty water. and it's been about seven years since i've seen my own face. fuches burned all the pictures of me, all my records. took me off the grid."

and you lost your absolute Shit™

because that's fucked up.

because barry is the most beautiful man you've ever seen and he doesn't know what he looks like.

"they're blue. like, the softest blue. and kinda grey, too. and sometimes... when you laugh... you get these little eye crinkles-"

"im in love with you."

"that's the first time you've said that to me, barry."

"well, i am."

barry doesnt care much for how he looks, but he loves the way you describe him. so he lets you continue.

"your hair is brown. really... fluffy looking. i just want to touch it all the time, you really make shit hard for me."

he grins

"and my lips?"

"oh... soft."

"mhm."

and he kisses you so slow and soft and Your Heart Falls Out Of Your Ass.

barry is cold. he doesn't have blood. so. he's cold.

but he does feel it sometimes.

and there's not much he can do about it when he does.

"hi, i can't come to work today because my boyfriend doesn't generate body heat and hasn't slept in two weeks so i need to warm him up."

vampires don't sleep, my ass.

he's always falling asleep on your chest, or with his head in your lap listening to you talk about your day.

he can go without it for a long time, but he loves waking up next to you. he also just loves watching you sleep. listening to your breathing and your heartbeat. the rush of blood.

let's be real, sometimes he finds it hard to not, like, drink your blood.

but one feed and he's good for a couple weeks.

let's address the elephant in the room.

the sex thing.

y'all watch twilight and you're laughing because edward won't have sex with bella.

and barry completely has a straight face.

"no dude i could literally kill you."

"yeah, uh, that's never once stopped you."

breaking the bed Every Other Night.

his heightened senses and vampire awareness means he's So Good at sex.

his attitude to changing you is so relaxed.

he's kinda like. "yeah. if it happens, it happens. you get to be my girlfriend literally forever. that's pretty rad."

"so if you go at it too hard and snap my spine just change me quick."

neck kisses are his Thing.

they're so fucking hot.

vampire neck kisses? that's the dream.

barry can't eat garlic. it makes him sick.

apparently, he gives ZERO FUCKS.

he eats some of your homemade garlic bread and you spend half the night sat on the bathroom floor with him patting his back while he throws it up.

"barry, you stupid bitch."

he tried to drink animal blood once, too.

and again, he threw up.

"babe, i don't care if it's ethical, it's fucking disgusting."

he's always riled up when he comes home from a hit.

you can't be mad at him, because you know he doesn't have a choice.

it's considerably harder and more dangerous trying to calm down a vampire, though, so sometimes you sit there while he smashes things, and wait for him to finish so he can come and cry on you.

the circumstances under which he changes you are not pleasant.

fuches finds out about you. he finds out where barry has been hiding, and he beats you within an inch of your life.

and barry finds you in your apartment and he knows what happened.

you're beaten and broken and bloodied on the ground and he has to stop breathing because he can smell you and he could drain you right there if he doesn't watch himself.

and he's never been bothered about changing you but now it's happening.

now he's faced with your imminent death and he could very well lose you and he freezes up.

your eyes meet his frantically but he's not sure if you know he's there.

he presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth, and he can taste the blood, and it almost pushes him over the edge.

he dips his head down to your neck, and the rush of blood he's become accustomed to is so much weaker.

your breathing is shallow.

"im sorry."

he knows this will hurt.

and it does. he has to take you somewhere, quick. because you scream until the screams don't sound like screams anymore.

he takes you to the same place fuches took him when he turned. it's a bunker, far enough away from anyone to rouse suspicion.

and he holds you to him while you writhe in pain and beg for him to kill you as the venom changes every cell in your body.

he can't do anything about it.

at some point, he doesn't know when,

you stop screaming.

you stop moving and breathing and he's worried that it hasn't worked.

that he's done it wrong.

but the change is visible.

your features are the same, but different.

your skin is as smooth as marble and almost as cold.

the way you move and speak and hold yourself is different.

but you're still you.

and you're alive.

and he kisses the remaining life from you as soon as you sit up.

"hello."

"hey, bear. that fuches guy is a bastard."

"i know."

"no, he really ripped into me."

"i know."

"thanks for not letting me die."

"no problem."

"i love you."

"i love you too."

though barry only has eight years of experience, it's still eight more than you have.

but you adapt to vampire life very easily.

somehow, you find your feet faster than he did.

"i think we should invest in a space heater."

"mhhm."

now that barry doesn't need to hold back, you have to retire to remote cabins for days at a time to fuck. because you don't get tired easily and you're very loud.

desks and walls and bedframes being literally obliterated.

really

at one point the bed falls through the floor

with the two of you on it

and you don't fucking notice.

you keep pretending to move countries to throw fuches off your trail.

it's kinda fun, setting up elaborate scent traps and making him think you're somewhere in europe when you've not actually left the state.

everyone at the acting class begins to wonder why the two of you look so good, but also so washed out.

"they're vampires, im telling you."

"shut the fuck up, man, what if they can hear us?"

y'all are so extra. drinking blood out of capri sun pouches and going out in the sun in huge sunhats and clout goggles.

going as stereotypical cloaked vampires for halloween and spending hours freaking people out in the hall of mirrors.

soft vampire love, guys.

y'all have napped for literal weeks at a time. just holding each other.

you just love each other so much.

let vampires be SOFT.

because you are.

barry just holds your face and looks at you. he's never going to be able to get over how fucking ethereal you are, even his heightened vampire sight can't take it in

"do you think that we're going to be this in love forever?"

"yeah."

"how are you sure?"

"because i can't function without you."

[btsindie]

The Big Sick (2017)

(Spoiler alert!) 

We all love the Indie film The Big Sick. It’s a beautifully written story about a rising stand up comedian name Kumail who falls in love with a girl name Emily. However, Emily suddenly gets very sick and forced to be put into a medically induced coma. Meanwhile Kumail must face his family wanting to only marry another Indian woman while secretly visiting Emily in the hospital and building a relationship with her parents.

But this is based on a true story that Kumail Nanjiani (who plays himself) had to live through with his now wife Emily Gordan.

Accordioning to theguardian.com Kumail  easily recalls his new girlfriend going to the walk in client for a cold and after getting stranded medical tests needing to be put into a coma, Kumail had to be the “family member” to sign the paper allowing this to happen and a doctor frantically asking him if he was her husband walk throwing him a pen. After the doctors eliminated her having Leukemia or HIV it was revealed she had a strange condition called adult-onset Still’s disease. Kumila says during this time he was suppose to be on tour opening for well know comedic Zach Galifianakis. Instead he stayed by Emily’s hospital bed with her parent who flew into New York from South Carolina.

I (Michaela) had a similar experience when I was around 12 years old. I was feeling sick and had a dry cough and a rising fever. While I stayed home from school, I took my temperature and it was at 102 F degrees (39.4C) and texted my mom. She immediately left work to pick me up and brought me to the doctor. They ran an Xray of my chest and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. While my mom was at the pharmacy picking up my medicine, she got a call from the doctor’s office, my Xray results returned and it looked like I had a several case of phenomena in both of my lungs. I was then driven to the hospital and stayed there for about 2 weeks hooked up to an IV and an oxygen tank with a tube across my nose to help me breath. After many nights of one of my parents sleeping the chain in my hospital room, and having teachers deliver me icecream and cards from my classmates, I was finally able to go home.

I hope you got inspired that you can use real stories in the creation of your next film project. Don't forget to support smaller indie films by visiting a local indie cinema, because films like these deserve some major love too :) 

Sources:  Lewis, T., 2017. The Big Sick's Kumail Nanjiani And Emily V Gordon: 'In America, The Idea Of A Cross-Cultural Relationship Is Still Controversial'. [online] the Guardian. Available at: <https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/jul/16/the-big-sick-couple-behind-feelgood-comedy-hit-kumail-nanjiani-emily-gordon> [Accessed 29 September 2020].

[bigyack-com]

The Best Movies on Netflix in India [February 2020]

In its efforts to win Oscars and please its 167 million members, Netflix has been pouring billions into movies recently, including projects from or featuring the likes of Dwayne Johnson, Martin Scorsese, and Michael Bay. One of those — The Irishman — racked up 10 nominations for the streaming service at the 2020 Oscars, though it failed to come away with a single prize. Netflix has also expanded its film efforts in India in the past year, announcing projects from the likes of Shah Rukh Khan and Karan Johar. For now though, the strength of its catalogue is still the acquisitions. With over 3,500 movies, Netflix offers more choices than any other platform in India. To pick the best movies on Netflix, we relied on Rotten Tomatoes, Metacritic, and IMDb ratings to create a shortlist. The last of them was preferred for Indian films given the shortfalls of reviews aggregators in that department. Additionally, we used our own editorial judgement to add or remove a few. This list will be updated once every few months if there are any worthy additions or if some movies are removed from the service, so bookmark this page and keep checking in. Here are the best films currently available on Netflix in India, sorted alphabetically. 12 Monkeys (1995) Inspired by the 1962 French short La Jetée, a prisoner (Bruce Willis) is sent back in time to learn more about the virus that wiped out nearly all of humanity. Terry Gilliam directs. 12 Years A Slave (2013) Duped into slavery on the account of a job, Steve McQueen's adaptation of a free New York black man's (Chiwetel Ejiofor) 19th-century memoir is an incredible true story, and an important watch. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) In Stanley Kubrick's highly-influential sci-fi film, humanity charts a course for Jupiter with the sentient computer HAL 9000, to understand the discovery of a black monolith affecting human evolution. It's less plot, and more a visual and aural experience.

3 Idiots (2009) In this satire of the Indian education system's social pressures, two friends recount their college days and how their third long-lost musketeer (Aamir Khan) inspired them to think creatively and independently in a heavily-conformist world. Co-written and directed by Rajkumar Hirani, who stands accused in the #MeToo movement. 50/50 (2011) Inspired by a true story, a 27-year-old radio journalist (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is diagnosed with spinal cancer and learns the value of friendship and love as he battles the rare disease. Aamir (2008) Adapted from the 2006 Filipino film Cavite, a young Muslim NRI doctor (Rajeev Khandelwal) returning from the UK to India is forced to comply with terrorists' demands to carry out a bombing in Mumbai after they threaten his family. American History X (1998) In a film that's more relevant today than when it was made, a neo-Nazi white supremacist (Edward Norton), who served three years in prison for voluntary manslaughter, tries to prevent his younger brother from going down the same path. American Hustle (2013) In the late 1970s, two con artists (Christian Bale and Amy Adams) are forced to work for an FBI agent (Bradley Cooper) and set up a sting operation that plans to bring down several corrupt politicians and members of the Mafia. Jennifer Lawrence, Jeremy Renner star alongside. Andaz Apna Apna (1994) Two slackers (Aamir Khan and Salman Khan) who belong to middle-class families vie for the affections of an heiress, and inadvertently become her protectors from a local gangster in Rajkumar Santoshi's cult comedy favourite. Andhadhun (2018) Inspired by the French short film L'Accordeur, this black comedy thriller is the story of a piano player (Ayushman Khurrana) who pretends to be visually-impaired and is caught in a web of twists and lies after he walks into a murder scene. Tabu, Radhika Apte star alongside. Apollo 13 (1995) Ron Howard dramatises the aborted Apollo 13 mission that put the astronauts in jeopardy after an on-board explosion ate up all the oxygen and forced NASA to abort and get the men home safely. Argo (2012) Ben Affleck directs and stars in this film about a CIA agent posing as a Hollywood producer scouting for location in Iran, in order to rescue six Americans during the US hostage crisis of 1979. Article 15 (2019) Ayushmann Khurrana plays a cop in this exploration of casteism, religious discrimination, and the current socio-political situation in India, which tracks a missing persons' case involving three teenage girls of a small village. A hard-hitting, well-made movie, though ironically, it was criticised for being casteist itself, and providing an outsider's perspective. The Avengers (2012) Earth's mightiest heroes — including Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and the Hulk — come together in this groundbreaking Marvel team-up from writer-director Joss Whedon to stop Thor's adopted brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) and his alien army from subjugating mankind.

The Aviator (2004) With Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes and Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn, Martin Scorsese dives into the life of the aviation pioneer and film producer, who grapples with severe OCD while his fame grows. Awakenings (1990) Robin Williams and Robert De Niro lead the cast of this drama based on a 1973 memoir of the same name, about a doctor (Williams) who discovers the beneficial effects of a drug on catatonic patients, thereby gifting them a new lease on life. Barfi! (2012) Set in the 1970s amidst the hills of Darjeeling, writer-director Anurag Basu tells the tale of three people (Ranbir Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra, and Ileana D'Cruz) as they learn to love while battling the notions held by society. Beasts of No Nation (2015) With civil war raging across a fictional African nation, this Netflix Original focuses on a young boy who's trained as a child soldier by a fierce warlord (Idris Elba), and the effects it has on him. Before Sunrise (1995) In the first chapter of Richard Linklater's long-drawn-out trilogy, two idealistic twentysomethings, an American man (Ethan Hawke) and a French woman (Julie Delpy), spend the night together walking around in the Austrian capital of Vienna. The Big Lebowski (1998) A guy known as The Dude (Jeff Bridges) seeks payback for his ruined carpet after he's mistaken for a millionaire with the same name in this crime comedy from the Coen brothers. Less about the plot and more about a way of living. The Big Short (2015) Starring Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt, a look at Wall Street's penchant for self-profit in a vicious loop that caused the 2007–08 global financial meltdown. Birdman (2014) Alejandro G. Iñárritu won three Oscars including Best Picture for this tale of a washed-up superhero actor (Michael Keaton) who struggles to revive his career with a Broadway play. Known for appearing as if it was shot in a single take, it also starred Edward Norton, Zach Galifianakis, and Emma Stone. Blade Runner (1982) One of the most influential cyberpunk films ever made is about a burnt-out cop (Harrison Ford) who reluctantly agrees to hunt down a group of fugitive “replicants”, synthetic humans with a limited life-span who aren't allowed to live on Earth. Blue Valentine (2010) Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams lead this drama that shifts between time periods to depict a couple's courtship and how their marriage fell apart. Das Boot (1981) One of the most authentic war movies ever made chronicles the life of a German submarine crew during World War II, as they go through long stretches of boredom and periods of intense conflict, while trying to maintain morale in a capsule 10 feet by 150 feet hundreds of metres under the surface. The Bourne trilogy (2002-07) Technically not a trilogy, but the first three chapters — Identity, Supremacy, and Ultimatum — starring Matt Damon in the lead as the titular CIA assassin suffering from amnesia were so good that they changed the longest-running spy franchise of all-time: James Bond.

The Breadwinner (2017) This animated film follows a 11-year-old girl living under Taliban rule in Afghanistan, who disguises herself as a boy to provide for her family after the father is taken away without reason. Uses wonderfully-drawn vignettes to stress on the importance of storytelling. Bulbul Can Sing (2019) Three teenagers battle patriarchy and the moral police as they explore their sexual identities in Rima Das's National Award-winning drama — and pay for it dearly. Das writes, directs, shoots, edits, and handles costumes. C/o Kancharapalem (2018) Set in the eponymous Andhra Pradesh town, this Telugu film spans four love stories across religion, caste, and age — from a schoolboy to a middle-aged unmarried man. A debut for writer-director Venkatesh Maha, featuing a cast mostly made up of non-professional actors. Capernaum (2018) In the award-winning, highest-grossing Arabic film of all time, a 12-year-old from the slums of Beirut recounts his life leading up to a five-year sentence he's handed for stabbing someone, and in turn, his decision to sue his parents for child neglect. Captain Phillips (2013) The true story of a Somali pirate hijacking of a US cargo ship and its captain (Tom Hanks) being taken hostage, which spawns a rescue effort from the US Navy. The Bourne Ultimatum's Paul Greengrass directs. Cast Away (2000) After his plane crash-lands in the Pacific, a FedEx employee (Tom Hanks) wakes up on a deserted island and must use everything at his disposal and transform himself physically to survive living alone. Castle in the Sky (1986) In the first film officially under the Studio Ghibli banner, a young boy and a girl protect a magic crystal from pirates and military agents, while on the search for a legendary floating castle. Hayao Miyazaki writes and directs. Chupke Chupke (1975) Hrishikesh Mukherjee's remake of the Bengali film Chhadmabeshi, in which a newly-wedded husband (Dharmendra) decides to play pranks on his wife's (Sharmila Tagore) supposedly smart brother-in-law. Amitabh and Jaya Bachchan also star. A Clockwork Orange (1971) Set in a near-future dystopian Britain, writer-director Stanley Kubrick adapts Anthony Burgess' novel of the same name, commenting on juvenile delinquency through the eyes of a small gang leader who enjoys "a bit of the old ultra-violence". Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) Steven Spielberg's slow-paced sci-fi pic — which spent several years in development, being rewritten over and over — is about an everyday blue-collar guy (Richard Dreyfuss) whose humdrum life turns upside down after an encounter with an unidentified flying object (UFO).

Cold War (2018) Jumping either side of the Iron Curtain through the late 1940s to the 1960s, Oscar-winner Paweł Pawlikowski depicts the story of two star-crossed lovers, as they deal with Stalinism, rejection, jealousy, change, time — and their own temperaments. Company (2002) Inspired the real-life relationship between Dawood Ibrahim and Chhota Rajan, director Ram Gopal Varma offers a look at how a henchman (Vivek Oberoi) climbs up the mobster ladder and befriends the boss (Ajay Devgn), before they fall out. Dallas Buyers Club (2013) Refusing to accept a death sentence from his doctor after being diagnosed with AIDS in the 1980s, the true story of an electrician and hustler (Matthew McConaughey) who smuggles banned medications from abroad. Dangal (2016) The extraordinary true story of amateur wrestler Mahavir Singh Phogat (Aamir Khan) who trains his two daughters to become India's first world-class female wrestlers, who went on to win gold medals at the Commonwealth Games. The Dark Knight (2008) In the second part of Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, regarded as the greatest comic book movie ever, Batman (Christian Bale) faces a villain, the Joker (Heath Ledger), he doesn't understand, and must go through hell to save Gotham and its people. Dev.D (2009) Anurag Kashyap offers a modern-day reimagining of Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay's Bengali romance classic Devdas, in which a man (Abhay Deol), having broken up with his childhood sweetheart, finds refuge in alcohol and drugs, before falling for a prostitute (Kalki Koechlin). Dheepan (2015) Winner of Cannes' top prize, three Sri Lankan refugees — including a Tamil Tiger soldier — pretend to be a family to gain asylum in France, where they soon realise that life isn't very different in the rough neighbourhoods. Dil Chahta Hai (2001) Farhan Akhtar's directorial debut about three inseparable childhood friends whose wildly different approach to relationships creates a strain on their friendship remains a cult favourite. Aamir Khan, Saif Ali Khan, and Preity Zinta star. Django Unchained (2012) Written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, a German bounty hunter (Christoph Waltz) helps a freed slave (Jamie Foxx) rescue his wife from a charming but cruel plantation owner (Leonardo DiCaprio). Drive (2011) A stuntman moonlighting as a getaway driver (Ryan Gosling) grows fond of his neighbour and her young son, and then takes part in a botched heist to protect them from the debt-ridden husband.

Dunkirk (2017) Christopher Nolan's first historical war movie chronicles the evacuation of Allied soldiers from the French beaches of Dunkirk in World War II, using his love for non-linear storytelling by depicting three fronts — land, sea, and air — in time-shifted ways. The Edge of Seventeen (2016) In this coming-of-age comedy, the life of an awkward young woman (Hailee Steinfeld) gets more complex after her older brother starts dating her best friend, though she finds solace in an unexpected friendship and a teacher-slash-mentor (Woody Harrelson). End of Watch (2012) Before he made a terrible sci-fi remake of his own film, writer-director David Ayer took a near-documentarian lens to the day-to-day police work of two partners (Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Peña) in South Los Angeles, involving their friendship and dealings with criminal elements. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) An estranged couple (Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) begin a new relationship unaware they dated previously, having erased each other from their memories, in what stands as writer Charlie Kaufman's defining work. The Exorcist (1973) One of the greatest horror films of all time, that has left a lasting influence on the genre and beyond, is about the demonic possession of a 12-year-old girl and her mother's attempts to save her with the help of two priests who perform exorcisms. The Florida Project (2017) Set in the shadow of Disney World, a precocious six-year-old girl (Brooklynn Prince) makes the most of her summer with her ragtag playmates, while her rebellious mother tries to make ends meet with the spectre of homelessness always hanging over them. Willem Dafoe stars alongside. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) In John Hughes' now-classic teen picture, a high schooler fakes being sick to spend the day with his girlfriend and his best friend, while his principal is determined to spy on him. Fruitvale Station (2013) Black Panther writer-director Ryan Coogler's first feature offered a look at the real-life events of a young California man's (Michael B. Jordan) death in a police shooting in 2008. Winner of two awards at Sundance Film Festival. Full Metal Jacket (1987) Stanley Kubrick follows a US marine nicknamed Joker from his days as a new recruit under the command of a ruthless sergeant, to his posting as a war correspondent in South Vietnam, while observing the effects of the war on his fellow soldiers.

Ghostbusters (1984) A bunch of eccentric paranormal enthusiasts start a ghost-catching business in New York, and then stumble upon a plot to wreak havoc by summoning ghosts. Gave birth to one of the most iconic song lyrics in history. Gol Maal (1979) A chartered accountant (Amol Palekar), with a knack for singing and acting, falls deep down the rabbit hole after lying to his boss that he has a twin, in this Hrishikesh Mukherjee comedy. Gone Girl (2014) Based on Gillian Flynn's best-selling novel and directed by David Fincher, a confounded husband (Ben Affleck) becomes the primary suspect in the sudden mystery disappearance of his wife (Rosamund Pike). GoodFellas (1990) Considered as one of the best gangster films of all time, it brought Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro together for the sixth time. Based on Nicholas Pilegg's 1985 non-fiction book Wiseguy, it tells the rise and fall story of mob associate Henry Hill, his friends and family between 1955 and 1980. Gravity (2013) Two US astronauts, a first-timer (Sandra Bullock) and another on his final mission (George Clooney), are stranded in space after their shuttle is destroyed, and then must battle debris and challenging conditions to return home. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) A bunch of intergalactic misfits, which includes a talking racoon and tree, come together to form a ragtag team in this Marvel adventure that needs no prior knowledge. Guru (2007) Mani Ratnam wrote and directed this rags-to-riches story of a ruthless and ambitious businessman (Abhishek Bachchan) who doesn't let anything stand in his way as he turns into India's biggest tycoon. Loosely inspired by the life of Dhirubhai Ambani. Haider (2014) Vishal Bhardwaj's Shakespearean trilogy concluded with this modern-day adaptation of Hamlet, that is also based on Basharat Peer's 1990s-Kashmir memoir Curfewed Night. Follows a young man (Shahid Kapoor) who returns home to investigate his father's disappearance and finds himself embroiled in the ongoing violent insurgency. Her (2013) A lonely man (Joaquin Phoenix) falls in love with an intelligent computer operating system (Scarlett Johansson), who enriches his life and learns from him, in Spike Jonze's masterpiece. Hot Fuzz (2007) A top London cop (Simon Pegg, also co-writer) is transferred to a sleepy English village for being the lone overachiever in a squad of slackers. A blend of relationship comedy and a genre cop movie. Edgar Wright directs. Hugo (2011) In 1930s Paris, a boy who lives alone in the walls of a train station tries to figure out the mystery involving his late father and his most treasured possession, an automaton, that needs a key to function. Martin Scorsese directs.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013) In the best of four movies, Jennifer Lawrence's Katniss Everdeen is forced to participate in a special edition of the Hunger Games, a competition where individuals fight to the death, featuring the winners of all previous competitions. I, Daniel Blake (2016) After a heart attack that leaves him unable to work, a widowed carpenter is forced to fight an obtuse British welfare system, while developing a strong bond with a single mother who has two children. Winner of the Palme d'Or. I Lost My Body (2019) In this animated Cannes winner, a severed hand escapes from a lab and scrambles through Paris to get back to his body, while recounting its past life that involved moving to France after an accident and falling in love. In This Corner of the World (2016) Set in Hiroshima during World War II, an 18-year-old woman agrees to marry a man she barely knows in this animated Japanese film, and then must learn to cope with life's daily struggles and find a way to push through as the war rages on around her. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) Directed by Steven Spielberg off a story by George Lucas, an eponymous archaeologist (Harrison Ford) travels the world and battles a group of Nazis while looking for a mysterious artefact, in what is now often considered as one of the greatest films of all-time. Infernal Affairs (2002) Martin Scorsese's Oscar-winning The Departed is a remake of this original Hong Kongian film, in which a police officer is working undercover in a Triad, while a Triad member is secretly working for the police. Both have the same objective: find the mole. Into the Wild (2007) Based on Jon Krakauer's nonfiction book, Sean Penn goes behind the camera to direct the story of a top student and athlete who gives up all possessions and savings to charity, and hitchhikes across America to live in the Alaskan wilderness. Iqbal (2005) In writer-director Nagesh Kukunoor's National Award-winning film, a hearing- and speech-impaired farm boy (Shreyas Talpade) pursues his passion for becoming a cricketer for the national squad, with the help of a washed-up ex-coach (Naseeruddin Shah). The Irishman (2019) Based on Charles Brandt's 2004 book “I Heard You Paint Houses”, Martin Scorsese offers an indulgent, overlong look at the life of a truck driver (Robert De Niro) who becomes a hitman working for the Bufalino crime family and labour union leader Jimmy Hoffa (Al Pacino).

John Wick (2014) In the first part of what is now a series, a former hitman (Keanu Reeves) exits retirement to find and kill those that stole his car and killed his dog. Less story, more action, with the filmmakers drawing on anime, Hong Kong action cinema, Spaghetti Westerns, and French crime dramas. Jurassic Park (1993) It might be over 25 years old at this point but watching the very first Jurassic film from Steven Spielberg — based on Michael Crichton's novel, which he co-adapted — is a great way to remind yourself why the new series, Jurassic World, has no idea why it's doing. Kahaani (2012) A pregnant woman (Vidya Balan) travels from London to Kolkata to search for her missing husband in writer-director Sujoy Ghosh's National Award-winning mystery thriller, battling sexism and a cover-up along the way. Khosla Ka Ghosla! (2006) After a powerful property dealer (Boman Irani) holds a middle-class, middle-aged man's (Anupam Kher) newly-purchased property to ransom, his son and his son's friends devise a plot to dupe the swindling squatter and pay him back with his own money. Dibakar Banerjee's directorial debut. Kiki's Delivery Service (1989) A coming-of-age story of the young titular witch, who opens an air delivery business, helps a bakery's pregnant owner in exchange for accommodation, and befriends a geeky boy during her year of self-discovery. Hayao Miyazaki writes and directs. Lady Bird (2017) Greta Gerwig's directorial debut is a coming-of-age story of a high school senior (Saoirse Ronan) and her turbulent relationship with her mother (Laurie Metcalf), all while she figures out who she wants to be through friendships and short relationships. Lagaan (2001) Set in Victorian India, a village farmer (Aamir Khan) stakes everyone's future on a game of cricket with the well-equipped British, in exchange for a tax reprieve for three years. The Little Prince (2015) Antoine de Saint-Exupery's 1943 novella is given the animation treatment, in which an elderly pilot (Jeff Bridges) recounts his encounters with a young boy who claimed to be an extra-terrestrial prince to his neighbour, a young girl. Rachel McAdams, James Franco, and Marion Cotillard also voice. A Little Princess (1995) Alfonso Cuarón directs this tale of a young girl who is forced to become a servant by the headmistress at her New York boarding school, after her wealthy aristocratic father is presumed dead in World War I. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-2003) Peter Jackson brought J.R.R. Tolkien's expansive Middle-Earth to life in these three three-hour epics, which charts the journey of a meek hobbit (Elijah Wood) and his various companions, as they try to stop the Dark Lord Sauron by destroying the source of his power, the One Ring.

Loveless (2017) A Cannes winner about the social ills of life in modern Russia, told through the eyes of two separated parents who are drawn back together after their 12-year-old child goes missing. From award-winning director Andrey Zvyagintsev. The Lunchbox (2013) An unlikely mistake by Mumbai's famously efficient lunchbox carrier system results in an unusual friendship between a young housewife (Nimrat Kaur) and an older widower (Irrfan Khan) about to retire from his job. Lupin the Third: Castle of Cagliostro (1979) In legendary Japanese director Hayao Miyazaki's feature debut, a dashing master thief enlists the help of a long-time nemesis in the police and a fellow thief to rescue a princess from an evil count, and put an end to his counterfeit money operation. Marriage Story (2019) Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver play an entertainment industry couple going through a divorce, which pulls them — and their young son — from New York to Los Angeles, the two different hometowns of the protagonists. Mary Poppins (1964) Based on P.L. Travers' book series of the same name, a disciplined father hires a loving woman (Julie Andrews) — who he doesn't know is capable of magic — to be the nanny for his two mischievous children. Won five Oscars, including best actress for the debutant Andrews. Masaan (2015) Neeraj Ghaywan ventures into the heartland of India to explore the life of four people in his directorial debut, all of whom must battle issues of caste, culture and norms. Winner of a National Award and the FIPRESCI Prize at Cannes. Million Dollar Baby (2004) An overlooked, veteran boxing trainer (Clint Eastwood, who also directs) reluctantly agrees to train a former waitress (Hilary Swank) to help achieve her dreams, which leads to a close father-daughter bond that will forever change their lives. Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation (2015) With the organisation he works for disbanded and his country after him, Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) races against time to prove the existence of the schemers pulling the strings in this fifth chapter. Introduced Rebecca Ferguson to the franchise. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) The legendary British comedy troupe mix their talents with the tale of King Arthur and his knights, as they look for the Holy Grail and encounter a series of horrors. A contender for the best comedy of all-time.

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979) Satire so cutting that it was banned for years in the UK and elsewhere, Life of Brian saw Monty Python turning their eyes on more long-form storytelling. The Life of Brian is the story of a young Jewish man born on the same day and next door to Jesus Christ, who gets mistaken for the messiah. Mudbound (2017) A Netflix Original, this World War II drama is set in rural Mississippi, and follows two veterans – one white and one black – who return home, and must deal with problems of racism in addition to PTSD. Munna Bhai M.B.B.S. (2003) After his parents find out he has been pretending to be a doctor, a good-natured Mumbai underworld don (Sanjay Dutt) tries to redeem himself by enrolling in a medical college, where his compassion brushes up against the authoritarian dean (Boman Irani). Co-written and directed by Rajkumar Hirani, who stands accused in the #MeToo movement. My Neighbor Totoro (1988) Set in post-war rural Japan, a heart-warming tale of a professor's two young daughters who have adventures with friendly forest sprits. Hayao Miyazaki writes and directs. Mystic River (2003) Three childhood friends reunite after a brutal murder, in which the victim is one's (Sean Penn) daughter, another (Kevin Bacon) is the case detective, and the third (Tim Robbins) is suspected by both. Clint Eastwood directs. Nightcrawler (2014) Jake Gyllenhaal plays a freelance video journalist with no ethics or morals who will do anything to get the best footage of violent crimes that local news stations love. A feature directorial debut for screenwriter Dan Gilroy. Ocean's Eleven (2001) In this first of Steven Soderbergh's trilogy, which features an ensemble cast including George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon, Danny Ocean (Clooney) and his eleven associates plan to rob three Las Vegas casinos at the same time. Okja (2017) Part environment parable and part skewer of corporatisation, this underappreciated Netflix Original by Bong Joon-ho tells its story of a young Korean girl and her best friend – a giant pet pig – while effortlessly crossing genres. On Body and Soul (2017) A shy, introverted man and a woman who work at a Hungarian slaughterhouse discover they share the same dreams after an incident, and then try to make them come true.

Only Yesterday (1991) A Studio Ghibli production about a 27-year-old career-driven Tokyo woman who reminisces about her childhood on her way to the countryside to see her sister's family. Isao Takahata writes and directs. Paan Singh Tomar (2012) A true story of the eponymous soldier and athlete (Irrfan Khan) who won gold at the National Games, and later turned into a dacoit to resolve a land dispute. Won top honours for film and actor (Khan) at National Awards. Pan's Labyrinth (2006) In Guillermo del Toro's fantastical version of Spain five years after the civil war, Ofelia – a young stepdaughter of a cruel army officer – is told she is the reincarnated version of an underworld princess but must complete three tasks to prove herself. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012) Emma Watson stars in this coming-of-age comedy based on the novel of the same name by Stephen Chbosky, who also wrote and directed the film. Watson plays one of two seniors who guide a nervous freshman. Phantom Thread (2017) Set in the glamourous couture world of 1950s post-war London, the life of a renowned dressmaker (Daniel Day-Lewis), who is used to women coming and going through his tailored life, unravels after he falls in love with a young, strong-willed waitress. Pink (2016) A lawyer (Amitabh Bachchan) comes out of retirement to help three women (Taapsee Pannu, Kirti Kulhari, and Andrea Tariang) clear their names in a crime involving a politician's nephew (Angad Bedi). Won a National Award. PK (2014) A satirical comedy-drama that probes religious dogmas and superstitions, through the lens of an alien (Aamir Khan) who is stranded on Earth after he loses his personal communicator and befriends a TV journalist (Anushka Sharma) as he attempts to retrieve it. Porco Rosso (1992) Transformed into an anthropomorphic pig by an unusual curse, an Italian World War I ace fighter veteran now works as a freelance bounty hunter in 1930s Adriatic Sea in the Mediterranean. Hayao Miyazaki writes and directs. Queen (2013) A 24-year-old shy woman (Kangana Ranaut) sets off on her honeymoon alone to Europe after her fiancé calls off the wedding a day prior. There, freed from the traditional trappings and with the help of new friends, she gains a newfound perspective on life. Director Vikas Bahl stands accused in the #MeToo movement.

Rang De Basanti (2006) Aamir Khan leads the ensemble cast of this award-winning film that focuses on four young New Delhi men who turn into revolutionary heroes themselves while playacting as five Indian freedom fighters from the 1920s for a docudrama. Ratatouille (2007) An anthropomorphic rat (Patton Oswalt) who longs to be a chef tries to achieve his dream by making an alliance with a young garbage boy at a Parisian restaurant. From Pixar. Rebecca (1940) Alfred Hitchcock's first American film is based on Daphne du Maurier's 1938 novel of the same name, about a naïve, young woman who marries an aristocratic widower and then struggles under the intimidating reputation of his first wife, who died under mysterious circumstances. The Remains of the Day (1993) Made by the duo of Ismail Merchant and James Ivory, this based-on-a-book film is about a dedicated and loyal butler (Anthony Hopkins), who gave much of his life — and missed out on a lot — serving a British lord who turns out to be a Nazi sympathiser. Reservoir Dogs (1992) After a simply jewellery heist goes wrong in Quentin Tarantino's feature-length debut, six criminals – Tim Roth, Steve Buscemi, and Michael Madsen are a few of the actors – who don't know each other's identity start to suspect each other of being a police informant. The Revenant (2015) Leonardo DiCaprio and director Alejandro G. Iñárritu won Oscars for their work on this semi-biographical Western film set in the 1820s, which tells the story of frontiersman Hugh Glass and his quest for survival and justice amidst severe winters. Roma (2018) Alfonso Cuarón revisits his childhood in the eponymous Mexico City neighbourhood, during the political turmoil of the 1970s, through the eyes of a middle-class family's live-in maid, who takes care of the house and four children, while balancing the complications of her own personal life. Sairat (2016) In a tiny village in the Indian state of Maharashtra, a fisherman's son and a local politician's daughter fall in love, which sends ripples across the society because their families belong to different castes. Currently the highest-grossing Marathi-language film of all time. Scarface (1983) Al Pacino delivers one of his best performances as a Cuban refugee who arrives in 1980s Miami with nothing, rises the ranks to become a powerful drug kingpin, and then falls due to his ego, his paranoia, and a growing list of enemies. Se7en (1995) In this dark, gripping thriller from David Fincher, two detectives – one new (Brad Pitt) and one about to retire (Morgan Freeman) – hunt a serial killer (Kevin Spacey) who uses the seven deadly sins as his motives. Secret Superstar (2017) Though frequently melodramatic, this coming-of-age story – produced by Aamir Khan and wife Kiran Rao – of a Muslim girl from Vadodara who dreams of being a singer dealt with important social issues and broke several box office records during its theatrical run.

Sense and Sensibility (1995) Jane Austen's famous work is brought to life by director Ang Lee, about three sisters who are forced to seek financial security through marriage after the death of their wealthy father leaves them poor by the rules of inheritance. The Shining (1980) Stephen King's popular novel gets the film treatment from Stanley Kubrick, about a father who loses his sanity in an isolated hotel the family is staying at for the winter, while his psychic son sees horrific forebodings from the past and the future. Shoplifters (2018) Winner of the top prize at Cannes, the story of a group of poverty-stricken outsiders scraping together an under-the-radar living in Tokyo, whose life is upended after they take in a new, young member. Hirokazu Kore-eda writes, directs, and edits. Shrek (2001) A half-parody of fairy tales, Shrek is about an eponymous ogre who agrees to help an evil lord get a queen in exchange for the deed to his swamp, filled with enough jokes for the adults and a simple plot children. A Silent Voice: The Movie (2016) Based on the manga of the same name, a coming-of-age story of a school bully who tries to make amends with a hearing-impaired girl he tormented back in the day, after the tables are turned on him. Silver Linings Playbook (2012) Two people (Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper) with pain and suffering in their past begin a road to recovery while training together for a dance competition, in what becomes an unlikely love story. The Sixth Sense (1999) In writer-director M. Night Shyamalan's best film to date, a child psychologist (Bruce Willis) tries to help a young boy (Haley Joel Osment) who can see and talk to the dead. Snowpiercer (2013) Chris Evans stars in this sci-fi from Bong Joon-ho, which takes place in a future ravaged by an experiment, where the survivors live on a train that continuously circles the globe and has led to a punishing new class system. The Social Network (2010) The tale of Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg gets a slight fictional spin, as it explores how the young engineer was sued by twin brothers who claimed he stole their idea, and sold lies to his co-founder and squeezed him out.

Soni (2019) A short-tempered young policewoman and her cool-headed female boss must contend with ingrained misogyny in their daily lives and even at work, where it impacts their coordinated attempts to tackle the rise of crimes against women in Delhi. Spartacus (1960) After failing to land the title role in Ben-Hur, Kirk Douglas optioned a book with a similar theme, about a slave who led a revolt — known retrospectively as the Third Servile War — against the mighty Roman Empire. Won four Oscars and was named as one of the best historical epics. The Stranger (1946) A war crimes investigator hunts a high-ranking Nazi fugitive (Orson Welles, also director) hiding in the US state of Connecticut, who is also duping his naïve new wife. Super Deluxe (2019) An inter-linked anthology of four stories, involving an unfaithful wife, a transgender woman, a bunch of teenagers, which deal in sex, stigma, and spirituality. Runs at nearly three hours. Swades (2004) Shah Rukh Khan stars a successful NASA scientist in this based on a true story drama, who returns home to India to take his nanny to the US, rediscovers his roots and connects with the local village community in the process. Taare Zameen Par (2007) Sent to boarding school against his will, a dyslexic eight-year-old is helped by an unconventional art teacher (Aamir Khan) to overcome his disability and discover his true potential. Talvar (2015) Meghna Gulzar and Vishal Bhardwaj combine forces to tell the story of the 2008 Noida double murder case, in which a teenage girl and the family's hired servant were killed, and the inept police bungled the investigation. Uses the Rashomon effect for a three-pronged take. Tangerine (2015) Shot entirely on iPhones, a transgender female sex worker vows revenge on her boyfriend-pimp who cheated on her while she was in jail. Tangled (2010) Locked up by her overly protective mother, a young long-haired girl finally gets her wish to escape into the world outside thanks to a good-hearted thief, and discovers her true self.

Thithi (2016) In this award-winning Kannada-language film, set in a remote village in the state of Karnataka, three generations of men reflect on the death of their locally-famous, bad-tempered 101-year-old patriarch. Made with a cast of non-professional actors. The Town (2010) While a group of lifelong Boston friends plan a major final heist at Fenway Park, one of them (Ben Affleck) falls in love with the hostage from an earlier robbery, complicating matters. Train to Busan (2016) Stuck on a blood-drenched bullet train ride across Korea, a father and his daughter must fight their way through a countrywide zombie outbreak to make it to the only city that's safe. Tu Hai Mera Sunday (2016) Five thirty-something friends struggle to find a place in Mumbai where they can play football in peace in this light-hearted rom-com tale, which explores gender divides and social mores along the way. The Two Popes (2019) Inspired by real life, the tale of friendship that formed between Pope Benedict XVI (Anthony Hopkins) and Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio (Jonathan Pryce), the future Pope Francis, after the latter approached the former regarding his concerns with the direction of the Catholic Church. Udaan (2010) Vikramaditya Motwane made his directorial debut with this coming-of-age story of a teenager who is expelled from boarding school and returns home to the industrial town of Jamshedpur, where he must work at his oppressive father's factory. Udta Punjab (2016) With the eponymous Indian state's drug crisis as the backdrop, this black comedy crime film depicts the interwoven lives of a junior policeman (Diljit Dosanjh), an activist doctor (Kareena Kapoor), a migrant worker (Alia Bhatt), and a rock star (Shahid Kapoor). Uncut Gems (2019) A charismatic, New York-based Jewish jeweller and a gambling addict (Adam Sandler) ends up in over his head in this taut thriller, struggling to keep a lid on his family, desires, business, and enemies. The Untouchables (1987) With mobster Al Capone (Robert De Niro) making use of the rampant corruption during the Prohibition period in the US, federal agent Eliot Ness (Kevin Costner) hand picks a team to expose his business and bring him to justice. Brian De Palma directs. Up in the Air (2009) A corporate downsizing expert (George Clooney) who loves living out of a suitcase finds his lifestyle threatened due to a potential love interest (Vera Farmiga) and an ambitious new hire (Anna Kendrick).

Vertigo (1958) Topping Citizen Kane in the latest Sight & Sound poll of greatest films of all time, Alfred Hitchcock's thriller about a detective afraid of heights who falls for an old friend's wife while investigating her strange activities continued his tradition of turning audiences into voyeurs. Village Rockstars (2017) A young Assamese girl of a widow pines to own a guitar and start her own rock band, but societal norms routinely get in the way. Rima Das writes, directs, shoots, edits, and handles costumes. Visaranai (2015) Winner of three National Awards and based on M. Chandrakumar's novel Lock Up, the story of four Tamil laborers who are framed and tortured by politically-motivated cops in the neighbouring state of Andhra Pradesh. Vetrimaaran writes and directs. A Wednesday! (2008) Neeraj Pandey's film is set between 2 pm and 6 pm on a Wednesday, naturally, when a common man (Naseeruddin Shah) threatens to detonate five bombs in Mumbai unless four terrorists accused in the 2006 Mumbai train bombings case are released. Wonder Woman (2017) After a pilot crashes and informs them about an ongoing World War, an Amazonian princess (Gal Gadot) leaves her secluded life to enter the world of men and stop what she believes to be the return of Amazons' nemesis. Wreck-It Ralph (2012) This Disney animated film tells the story of a video game villain who sets out to fulfil his dream of becoming a hero but ends up bringing havoc to the entire arcade where he lives. Zero Dark Thirty (2012) The decade-long international manhunt for Osama bin Laden is the focus of this thriller from Kathryn Bigelow, dramatised as and when needed to keep a CIA intelligence analyst (Jessica Chastain) at the centre of the story. Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (2011) Hrithik Roshan, Farhan Akhtar, and Abhay Deol star as three childhood friends who set off on a bachelor trip across Spain, which becomes an opportunity to heal past wounds, combat their worst fears, and fall in love with life. Zodiac (2007) David Fincher signed on Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, and Robert Downey Jr. to depict a cartoonist's (Gyllenhaal) obsession with figuring out the identity of the Zodiac Killer in the 1960s–70s. Zombieland (2009) A student looking for his parents (Jesse Eisenberg), a man looking for a favourite snack, and two con artist sisters join forces and take an extended road trip across a zombie-filled America, while they all search for a zombie-free sanctuary. Read the full article

[monkeypretzel]

NYT Article about Joel Hodgson’s Riffing Class, 2012

Don’t Like the Movie? Let’s Talk About It

Joel Hodgson on ‘Mystery Science Theater’ and Riffs

By Paul Brownfield June 1, 2012

IT takes a certain kind of fan to recognize Joel Hodgson, creator of the cult 1990s Comedy Central series “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” and Shawn Queeney is that kind of fan. In his media and society class at Bucks County Community College north of Philadelphia, Mr. Queeney, an associate professor of communications, discusses the place of the “Mystery Science Theater” in the underbelly of cinema, and he and his wife spent a December evening watching Mr. Hodgson and friends perform their idiosyncratic comedy as part of the live B-movie heckling tour “Cinematic Titanic.”

So when Mr. Queeney spotted Mr. Hodgson at a restaurant not long after, he asked Mr. Hodgson to speak at his college. Mr. Hodgson agreed but later came back with a suggestion more befitting his sensibilities. And so was hatched one of the odder master classes ever offered in formal higher education: a workshop on the art and science of “movie riffing.”

On “Mystery Science Theater,” which began in 1988 and was integral to the early growth of Comedy Central, Mr. Hodgson played a janitor at a byzantine research lab who is sent into space, where he is forced to watch B and C genre movies with two robot companions named Tom Servo and Crow. But that setup, laid out in the theme song, was only the bones of the show. The meat each week was in the riffing, as Joel and his bot-pals, silhouetted at the bottom of the screen, commented on everything from killer lizard films like The Giant Gila Monster to cheesy instructional shorts like “Hired!”

“Hey, isn’t that the John Belushi biography?” Mr. Hodgson’s character says when the title appears. (Riff spoiler alert: It’s a reference to the book “Wired.”)

If “Mystery Science Theater” was part insult comedy aimed at movies, there was also something congenial in the show’s tone. (Perhaps it was the puppet robots, or that it was all being produced in Minneapolis.)

Six writers had to deliver a 90-minute episode every week, Mr. Hodgson said, with 600 to 800 riffs per movie, “when all the pistons were firing.” In devising the lines, no reference (Bella Abzug, Roy Lichtenstein) was too outré or rejected initially, Mr. Hodgson said. As he tried to convey to the students at Bucks, it’s best to brainstorm nonjudgmentally first and figure out what’s funny later.

Mr. Hodgson, now 52, left “Mystery Science Theater” in 1993 after, he said, a dispute with the executive producer Jim Mallon over the direction of a feature film based on the series.

Moving to Los Angeles, Mr. Hodgson landed a series of movie and TV deals while also keeping creative in more inimical ways. One of them was an event called the Super Ball, an annual “one-night World’s Fair” that Mr. Hodgson dreamed up with his brother, Jim, combining their interest in comedy, science and art happenings.

Mr. Hodgson, in this way, has long approached comedy as a chemist in a lab does, noodling with a drug protocol to make it more effective. In Minneapolis in the late 1980s he briefly taught a workshop called Creative Stand-Up and Smartology that was based on communication paradigms he’d read about in college. This was after he had earned appearances on “Late Night With David Letterman” and “Saturday Night Live.”

Years later he tried to rejigger the sketch comedy series format at HBO, where he made a pilot called “The TV Wheel.” Mr. Hodgson’s idea was to shoot the show live, with a camera that was locked down in the middle of a set that rotated like a record on a turntable. “Your TV doesn’t move, so why should the camera?” Mr. Hodgson said, explaining the philosophy.

Finally, in 2007, Mr. Hodgson, still regretful about leaving “Mystery Science Theater,” returned to movie riffing, forming the tour “Cinematic Titanic” with the writer-performers Trace Beaulieu, J. Elvis Weinstein, Frank Conniff and Mary Jo Pehl.

In class Mr. Hodgson kept things loose but wasn’t just fooling around either. In his travels with “Cinematic Titanic,” Mr. Hodgson said, he often meets people movie riffing à la “Mystery Science Theater” but live. “I was always curious what it would be like to participate with these people who wanted to get into it.”

The class was made up mostly of theater, film and video majors, and a number of them were involved in improv comedy, including Kyle Reichert, 21. “Every class he would talk about something new,” Mr. Reichert recalled, “what he would go through on a daily basis making the show.”

Mr. Hodgson’s first lesson was simple: When riffing don’t be a jerk. (He used a different word.) The 25 students in Riff Camp 2012 were divided into groups. They had two and a half months to complete a film’s worth of riffs before performing at the college’s spring arts festival. They also had to dream up a back story and set it to a theme song. One group, the all-female New Valkyries of Valhalla are Valkyries by day, collecting Viking souls, and students in a women’s studies course at Valhalla Community College by night.

That explains why they would be watching “Consuming Women,” an oddly spooky short billed as a portrait of the female consumer circa 1967. The other films Mr. Hodgson assigned for other groups — from the public domain Web site archive.org, which houses the Prelinger Archives— included “Pennsylvania Fish Commission,” a riveting 1950s tour of trout farming narrated by the commission’s decidedly un-emotive executive director, and the delicious University of California romp “Health: Your Posture,” about a girl ostracized by her peers because of bad posture.

“It had nothing to do with posture,” said Stephanie Drejerwski, 20, one of the riffers.

Mr. Hodgson instructed students not to riff more than once every three seconds, so that the audience could absorb each joke. As on “Mystery Science Theater,” scripts were time- and color-coded to indicate when the film’s narrator was speaking (“You need a thorough checkup by your family doctor to discover the cause of your posture defects”) and when the riff was interjected (“Sir? We don’t have insurance?”).

Though the practical application of a course on movie riffing seems negligible, Mr. Hodgson has perhaps hit upon something in the age of social media. Facebook and Twitter, among others, are portals not dissimilar to the sad, empty cinema where Joel, Servo and Crow watched bad movies, their riffs providing a sense of community.

Maybe that’s why “Mystery Science Theater” keeps enjoying afterlives. Michael J. Nelson, who replaced Mr. Hodgson on the TV series until it ended in 1999, offers RiffTrax, audio riffs to play alongside DVD releases of current and older films. The comedian Doug Benson, host of the popular podcast “Doug Loves Movies,” organized a live screening series in Los Angeles, “The Doug Benson Movie Interruption,” in which he and friends (like Zach Galifianakis, Sarah Silverman and Ed Helms) riff on a movie for the audience. And Kevin Smith, the filmmaker and inveterate podcaster, is starting a show on Hulu this week called “Spoilers.”

Mr. Smith was quick to note that this was riffing not like “Mystery Science Theater” but in the tradition of his first film, “Clerks,” in which the characters spitball about a movie everyone’s already seen, “Star Wars.” In “Spoilers” Mr. Smith plans to screen a current release at Universal City Walk in Los Angeles then take the audience to a nearby studio for what he sees as a live version of a movie chat room.

“I don’t think a movie discussion ever dies anymore,” he said.

Meanwhile, as alumni from Riff Camp 2012 prepared to perform this weekend at the Colonial Theater in nearby Phoenixville (the same theater where scenes from the original “ Blob” were filmed), Mr. Hodgson and his fellow “Mystery Science Theater” alums were busy putting together a “Cinematic Titanic” show set for July in Ann Arbor, Mich. They will be riffing on two 1970s films — “Rattlers” (rattlesnakes and nerve gas!) and “The Doll Squad,” which, Mr. Hodgson said, is about “a seven-woman army that was supposedly the prototype for ‘Charlie’s Angels.’” Set riffing engines to full throttle.

[popcorn-for-dinner]

Wakanda Forever: Finding Black Pride in Kings and Teenage Girls

“You don’t know what you were missing, till you have it”

There’s a particular scene in Wonder Woman that often gets referenced when the film is being discussed; the “No Man’s Land” scene. I had the pleasure of watching Wonder Woman alone (yeah, come at me) and at the time of watching, I had no reason to believe that this would become an iconic scene. To me, it was just another good action set piece. Granted, one that I applauded (metaphorically, of course. I’m not trying to validate those stereotypes), but still, just a well-done sequence.

I would soon come to realise the power of subjectivity.

In various discussions since leaving that theatre, I have listened to countless women, both in my real life and online, talk about the effect that the scene had on them. Their experiences of joy, pride and childlike glee, with many being brought to tears.

I am under no illusion that its star (Gal Gadot) and director (Patty Jenkins) were both aware of the importance of the scene they were constructing and the need for such a scene in this movie in today’s world. I quickly realised that this scene wasn’t (primarily) directed at me. Sure, I could appreciate it from a story or technical point-of-view, but it could never get me in my feels the way it did my female counterparts. Where I saw another hero blocking bullets, they saw a woman standing, against and for men, for what she knew was right. The largely underrepresented female, superhero-watching audience was finally seeing a woman exhibit such heroics on the big screen.

“Those who complain about representation, are the ones who’ve always been represented”.

Like most sane people, I love Will Smith. I grew up on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reruns, then came the Men in Blacks, Hitch, Hancock, I, Robot etc. He was a movie star, he did it all: action, drama, comedy, sci-fi. To me, he was the movie star. I would go on to, harshly, learn that he wasn’t the norm, but the exception.

I was now seeing the ubiquity of white movie and tv stars, I now noticed that beyond the handful of black movie stars, people with my skin colour were criminally underrepresented. This was weird because I was living in a country (Nigeria) where everyone had my skin colour. So, to a young boy who was falling in love with the arts, the idea quickly became, only white people get that shot and maybe a handful of Black Americans, but even then, they definitely still gotta tell the white man’s story.

Which brings us to 2018. A year in which I get to see an African King and a black teenage girl save the world. An African King and a Black Teenage Girl! Many have criticised the hype for Black Panther, with some stating that the importance of the movie is being overstated by its fans. “Y'all acting like this movie gonna solve racism”.

I do not think the importance of these movies can be overstated.

Black Panther is a big budget superhero film that focuses on an African nation, its king and citizens. It features an impressive, predominantly black (and beautiful) cast. This cast not only boasts talented actors with strong African backgrounds (Lupita Nyong'o, Daniel Kaluuya and Danai Gurira) but it also includes actors based in Africa, not least of whom is the South African legend, John Kani. Twenty years ago, a convergence of all these factors would have seemed nearly impossible.

A Wrinkle in Time, in its own right, conquers its own fair share of impossibilities. In keeping with a career that continually breaks new ground while affecting change, Ava DuVernay now brings a sci-fi, Disney, epic with a brown skinned girl as its heroine. Who would have thought? Even in a world where Katniss Everdeen and Hermione Granger became household names and shot their respective actresses to bona-fide movie star status, such a movie still seemed impossible.

Ava DuVernay has not shied away from the fact that this is new ground for everyone. I’ll admit that I am not familiar with the original 1963 novel and its ensuing legacy (it wasn’t high on our literary lists in Nigeria). But boy am I excited. In creating this film that will inevitably be a sea change moment, Miss DuVernay has surrounded herself with notable producers (Catherine Hand and Tendo Nagenda), the writer and co-director of Frozen, Jennifer Lee and a cast that includes Mindy Kaling, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Michael Pena and Oprah Winfrey (playing an all-knowing being, because, duh) along with Chris Pine and Zach Galifianakis rounding out the cast.

As mentioned earlier, A Wrinkle in Time’s heroine is a brown skinned teenage girl. However, this was not always the case. In the original novel, Meg Murry is white. Here she is portrayed by newcomer Storm Reid. Miss DuVernay has continually referenced her desire to create new worlds and how, expectedly, these worlds would be different from what her white and male counterparts would envision. The effect such inclusion could possibly have cannot be overstated.

Really, is that not what we hope for? What we all want? That inclusivity. A world in which a young girl can look at a big budget Disney movie poster and see herself as the heroine.  A world in which we get Angela Bassett finally playing a queen. Where young brown and black skinned girls, and maybe just as importantly young boys, can see that girls can save the world too.  The same world where the great Forrest Whittaker admits to carrying out extensive research on the Yorubas in order to bring authenticity to his role. This world only has positives. It provides filmmakers with more diverse voices, from different backgrounds, the opportunity to share their visions. All sorts of stories are told in this world and everyone gets to be represented. Such inclusion can only lead to better, well-informed stories and more opportunities for people too often left in the fringes.

In their introductory scene from Captain America: Civil War, King T’Chaka (John Kani) and his son, T'Challa (Chadwick Boseman) speak “isiXhosa” (A South African language). This was not originally in the script, it was an input from John Kani. This input led to a scene in a Hollywood film in which two actors are speaking isiXhosa and neither of them is a warlord nor an internet scammer. It might not seem like much, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s huge.

It just goes to show that the inclusion of diverse voices behind and in front of the camera bleeds its benefits in such subtle and wide-ranging ways. Some of these benefits may not be visible to the lay man but they mean the world to those marginalized groups.

At the premiere of Black Panther, John Kani gushed about the “seriousness” of the movie and why he wanted to show Africa and its denizens in a different light. To deal with the myth that “if the white colonialists did not land in Africa, we’ll still be walking in skins…”. Frankly, that’s a cause we can all rally behind.

Now, no one is saying that things are automatically fixed or that change has happened, we are definitely still some ways off but it’s a hell of time to be alive. What we need to then do, is not falter but use these burgeoning changes as catalysts for a much larger attack on the status quo.

While the eventual quality of both Black Panther and A Wrinkle in Time is not the driving force of this article, I would be remiss if I did not mention that in the hands of Ryan Coogler and Ava Duvernay, I feel little reason to fret about the outcome. They are two filmmakers that made instant splashes with their unique visions in Fruitvale Station and Creed (Coogler) and Selma and 13th (DuVernay). I’m not sure I trust any two people to better understand the importance of the positions they have been placed in and the need for success.  They are not only capable of delivering the goods, they are more than deserving of the opportunity. They, it seems, live their lives by that mantra that we, as minorities have stuck in our psyche.

Would it be a stretch to draw a line between the release and adoration of Wonder Woman and the rise of female empowerment (#MeToo, Time’s Up) in 2017? Probably. Could I make the argument to you after some shots of Vodka? Most likely. The point is that change starts from all sorts of weird places and all we can do is hope. Hope that the change is not stifled by its location but given the space and support to grow. So yes, I’ll be with my tickets opening weekends of Black Panther and A Wrinkle in Time hoping that this is the beginning of some form of change in Hollywood that would hopefully grow and spread to the larger world.

Bankole Imoukhuede

[riverdames-blog]

Disappointed But Not Disheartened: Reflections on A Wrinkle In Time

In early 2016, when it was announced that Ava DuVernay was attached to A Wrinkle In Time, I tweeted about how excited I was for it and she favorited my tweet so I screenshotted the notification and showed it to everyone on the planet and have been anxiously awaiting this movie ever since.  Jennifer Lee, one of the two screenwriters for the project, is who I aspire to be, and Ava DuVernay is, as far as I’m concerned, one of the best filmmakers of all time, and, although I honestly don’t remember much about the plot, I read at least 3 books in Madeleine L’Engle’s Time Quintet as a child and definitely really enjoyed them.  (I may have read Many Waters and completely forgotten it, but I think I was just not that interested in transitioning to the next generation and so peaced out after A Swiftly Tilting Planet.)  In the months before its release, I declared multiple times that A Wrinkle In Time would probably be the movie of the year for me.

Now that I’ve seen it, I can say more confidently: it’s not my movie of the year.  Just to be sure, I saw it twice this weekend (and I also watched the 2003 TV Movie in between to compare – it’s not great but it’s also not, like… resoundingly worse).  The second time around, I enjoyed it way more than the first, and I think it’ll only continue to grow on me with time.  Visually, it’s just spectacular: Ava DuVernay and Naomi Shohan have built a gorgeous and imaginative world.  Production design is maybe the only element of cinema that L’Engle’s original novel lends itself to easily, and they tapped that to its fullest potential.  But something about the storytelling just didn’t quite click for me.

And before I go on, I want to be clear: no one working on this movie had anything to prove.  People will frame it that way – can a black woman direct a $100 million movie? or can a little brown girl carry an action-adventure blockbuster? – but none of that is really up in the air.  Black creatives have proven time and time again that they can and will carry franchises, so we can stop pretending that was ever even a question.  And we all saw The Dark Knight Rises and were like, “hm, very middle of the road”, and yet no one raised an eyebrow when Christopher Nolan got a Best Director nod this year.  Ava is still one of the best working visual storytellers in Hollywood (and has increasingly excellent brand recognition – any studio would be lucky to have her helm another blockbuster).  Storm Reid is charming and will continue to get work.  Jennifer Lee is still my hero.  It is dumb that I’m nervous to admit that I was disappointed by A Wrinkle In Time, like if it wasn’t the perfect movie no one will ever try to make movies like it again.  Creatives do not have to break new ground with every movie they make for their work to be considered valuable.  And in a lot of ways, A Wrinkle In Time was groundbreaking.

So, bearing in mind that this movie doesn’t in anyway reflect on anyone’s capacity for great filmmaking, what made A Wrinkle In Time feel disjointed to me?

My first thought was maybe it was just a failure of casting.  They apparently searched for 7 months for someone to play Charles Wallace, and as cute as he is, Deric McCabe felt awkward and stilted to me the entire movie on first watching.  Levi Miller was the cutest stalk of celery I’ve ever seen but that’s kinda the most I can say for him.  Everyone was charming, but no one – Storm Reid included – really had the chops to carry the weight of all the bonkers exposition this movie demanded of them.

That said, the performances felt less stilted to me when I watched it a second time – Storm Reid and Deric McCabe did have some really keen and nuanced moments, and Levi Miler, despite speaking like he’s never met another human being before, gives truly excellent face.  And the adult casting was superb; Chris Pine as the affirming father of a biracial daughter seems like an obvious and sincere choice, and also ZACH GALIFIANAKIS.  Clearly Aisha Coley knew what she was doing because it takes some serious insight to look at Zach Galifinakis and think, “this schlubby comedian will play the kindest, gentlest father figure in cinematic history.”  No actor is actively wrong for their part, and no one is phoning it in – the younger folks are maybe just still figuring some things out.

So if the performances felt awkward but it wasn’t a failure of casting, I hate to even suggest it, but maybe then it’s a failure of direction.  If these actors had the potential to perform this script well, maybe Ava just didn’t direct them appropriately.  There are some moments where I think this is actually true: if you’re working with young talent struggling to create a genuine sense of chemistry, maybe don’t block things so they’re standing several yards apart as they exchange intimate dialogue.  There were multiple weirdly slow, far apart exchanges between Meg and Calvin that probably would’ve felt loaded with meaning with more competent actors but just felt bizarre and confusing with these kids.

That said, I am reluctant to criticize Ava’s work here, largely because these children have spoken quite sincerely multiple times about how kind Ava was and how safe they felt working with her.  When working with young actors, I think that’s the most important thing.  And so if these kids felt most comfortable shouting at each other from across a football field, then fine.  I’m okay with that.  And also, let’s not forget: Zach. Gala-friggin-akis.  Ava knows how to get what she needs.

So then perhaps there was something weird about the camera.  The cinematography of this movie felt deliberate, like it was meant to create a real mood around this story.  It felt like the idea was to shoot this thing in a way that was disorienting to reflect the magic and uncertainty of the world these characters occupy.  But that didn’t really click for me: I mostly just felt like the camera placement was in the way.  Maybe because the performances weren’t strong enough to come through, but maybe because cutting from a traditional over-the-shoulder shot to a strikingly tight 90 degree profile is always going to take you a little bit out of the moment.  (There were two particularly striking moments that made me chuckle they were so disorienting: one when Ms. Whatsit and Meg’s mother talk in such a tight, shallow-focus profile shot, I could’ve sworn they were about to kiss; the other when, in the middle of a conversation between Meg and Principal Jenkins, there was a cut to a close, shallow-focus shot of his name placard, and then a very artistic but completely unnecessary tilt up as the focus racks a very tight shot of Mr. Jenkin’s face.)

Weird cinematography can interrupt the flow of even the best scenes.  But maybe – and I hate to say this even more than I hate to suggest Ava’s work wasn’t as good as it could be – but maybe, I am just making excuses here for Jennifer Lee.  Maybe this was a failure of script.  And I do think that Jennifer Lee and her writing partner, Jeff Stockwell, made some really positive changes.  I think they captured and amplified the essential relationships and motivations in this story.  I think getting rid of the twins and playing around with the Murry family structure, as well as adding a lot of scenes with the dad and giving him a central character flaw, gave this story a clearer and cleaner direction than the Weinstein-produced adaptation in 2003.  And I think that the whimsy of the book was captured in a way that felt visual and cinematic in this screenplay.

But it’s hard to deny that this screenplay felt a little clunky.  There was a lot of exposition and no clear moment when a goal or central question was obviously stated, which probably would’ve helped me enjoy the film a bit more on my first watching.  It was somewhat unclear when the acts were changing, which made it hard to be totally swept up in the beautiful and immersive imagery.  The sequencing at the end is awkward – why does Calvin just watch a deeply intimate conversation between Meg and her dad?  (He’s just smiling in the corner of one shot when they hug at the end and I truly burst out laughing in the theater.)  What did Calvin and Mr. Murry do in the backyard for all that time when they tessered away without Meg and Charles Wallace?  Why did Charles Wallace get so easily distracted by the family dog (for a seemingly very long stretch of time) when he ran into the house to get his mom?  Why did Meg not laugh out loud at Calvin when he said, “Funny how it took a trip around the universe for me to have the strength to confront my crazy dad!”?  And speaking of Calvin, while I think the decision to trim a lot of the fat around the Meg-Charles Wallace sibling dynamic was a good one, it sort of begged the question: why is Calvin even here?  (It’s actually sort of nice bit of commentary – to help save the universe, men simply need to trust women and affirm that their ideas and instincts are correct – but it felt undeniably odd that Calvin came along when all he did was fall off Reese Witherspoon’s lettuce leaf body and then eat a bunch of sand.)

Having said that, it does seem like there were some fairly substantial reshoots or at least major cuts made after principle production, because based on the trailer, what seems like a big expositional scene got left on the chopping block.  I’ve also heard in interviews that they shot and were starting to animate an Aunt Beast scene between Mr. Murry’s tesser and Meg’s final confrontation with The It.  Perhaps the original script did a better job of integrating Calvin and establishing clearer act breaks and character voices.  Maybe, for reasons beyond their control, this script needed to be torn up a bit and it was too late for the writers to polish the rough edges that were left behind.   Or hey, maybe Jeff Stockwell took hostage of the whole thing and made a bunch of bad changes at the last minute that Jennifer Lee couldn’t talk him down from and her hands are clean!  (I don’t know enough about WGA rules to totally tease out what that cowriting process looked like based on the billing – that is maybe very possible – but it’s not very kind to Jeff to just assume that about the script so I won’t.)

At the end of the day, A Wrinkle In Time did not come together for me like I hoped it would.  It’s not easy to tell why major sequences got cut pretty late in the game or why the cinematography decisions and acting decisions came together as awkwardly as they did.  Whatever the reason, this movie just didn’t do it for me.  But even as I left the theater feeling a little disappointed, I was not disheartened.  This movie wasn’t anything like, say, Suicide Squad, which feels like a project that was fought over, a project where everyone involved seemingly knew the movie was a train-wreck but also “knew” it wasn’t their fault.  It’s hard to point the finger at anyone here; everyone has something to be proud of (and something to be less proud of).  No sequence feels pulled because the studio didn’t trust its creatives or because the director didn’t trust her actors.  It feels like a product that was made by a whole, a whole who struggled with this beast together.  A Wrinkle In Time feels delightfully collaborative, a movie made by committee in the best possible way.

Perhaps the biggest takeaway, then, is that adapting L’Engle’s bonkers novel is a hard thing to do.  To no one’s fault, the stakes of her story are simultaneously impossibly large and surprisingly small.  Her characters speak with a rhythm that is odd even when done well, and the world she built evokes more the concept of beauty than actual images of it.  (And let’s not even begin to unpack cinema’s troubled troubled relationship with Christian-influenced fantasy storytelling.)

But here is a group of people who all earnestly rose to the challenge.  They made the thing.  And it is flawed in a lot of ways.  But as Meg Murry knows better than most, its faults are not undeserving of love.

[tauers-go-dutch]

Italy: like putting on an old boot

Since losing my passport in Madrid, I had a two-week window before our next trip to get a new one. I ended up going to the US Consulate in Amsterdam, which was an adventure all in its own. If you picture the DMV, but on ‘roids, that is about the experience of applying for a passport abroad.  After getting a new passport photo, I got to wait outside the building on the literal coldest day of the year for an hour before being ushered through security in order to wait for another two hours interspersed with quick trips up to the counter to explain that I don’t know what happened to my passport because I lost it and then being chastised for losing my passport because I must look too young to possibly be able to comprehend the gravity of importance such a document.  Oh, and I had to pay $140.  But luckily the US is very efficient at printing rush order passports and it arrived the following Friday, just in time for our trip to Rome.  But of course, there would be one more hiccup in the story- the city lost power on Friday afternoon when I planned to pick up my passport.  So the Consulate did not have power… or at least the backup generator did not power the whole building.  Luckily, the guards were able to just grab the newly printed passports (I was not the only one trying to pick one up that day), and I was on my way.

Once we got into Rome, the same feeling of joy I had from my first visit washed over me, and I think I had a smile on the whole weekend. Rome is a huge city, so it is crowded, busy, smelly, full of trash, a bit rundown, etc.  However, I love it for the amazing art, culture, and food.  What can I say, Rome was the center of Western culture for much of history, and for much of my Catholic upbringing (and my brief stint as a Latin nerd), so it generates some degree of awe.

We threw in our coin, so I guess we’ll be back again

We checked into our hotel, which was across from some state building.  When checking us in, the clerk said if we take photos from the window, the state employees might think we are spies and send people over to the hotel to investigate. I’m pretty sure he was joking?  Mariah may have tested the theory the next evening after a few drinks.  

We went to dinner that evening and tried some authentic Roman dishes, including an artichoke sampler platter. To be honest, steamed artichokes and butter was one of my sister’s favorite meals growing up, but they were never one of mine. But the Roman style artichokes blew me away. They are originally prepared by Jewish immigrants, but were quickly adopted by the Roman locals, so much so that Rome is one of the largest artichoke producers in the world. The Jewish version is lightly battered and fried, while the Roman version is steamed, and both are incredible. I also had pasta al’amatriciana (tomato sauce with pork cheek) and Mariah had ravioli before we split an incredible tiramisu.  Before calling it a night we walked over to the Trevi fountain and threw in a coin.  I guess we’ll be back one day.

Magical artichokes

We had some super delicious pastries in our hotel the next morning before heading to St. Peter’s Basilica. After taking some initial photos, I was talked into upgrading our museum tickets to a guided tour.  While this is expensive, it is worth it- the guide is great, but you’re really paying to skip the 3+ hour line to see the basilica from the museum (and Sistine Chapel).  We learned why the Vatican is its own country (long, convoluted story short- the modern church never wanted to join the united Italy, and the arrangement stuck- helps when you have your own private army). The Vatican treasures are as incredible as they are extensive. We saw Greek/Roman gods, human personifications of the Tiber river, supposed tombs of Helena and Constantina (mother and daughter of Constantine), maps of the world, paintings and tapestries for days, and a Roman Zach Galifianakis. But this was all a lead in to the Sistine Chapel, of Michelangelo fame. Of course there are no photos, but the Creation of Adam and the Last Judgment are every bit as amazing as hyped. We then fast tracked to the staggeringly beautiful St. Peter’s basilica.  We saw the tombs of the popes (St. John Paul II has his own chapel on the main floor) and the Pieta, but my favorite is the altar from Bernini.  Just look at the pictures.

St. Peter’s Basilica

Is that you, Zach?

Pieta

Pope JPIII!

Bernini’s altar

After a lunch of arancini (rice balls- I might not be able to eat the ones at Cinzetti’s ever again) and cacao e pepe (literally cheese and pepper- basically Italian mac ‘n cheese for adults), we set out to explore the city.  We saw Castle Sant’Angelo (the pope fortress/Church of Illumination), Piazza Navona, The Pantheon, the Spanish Steps, and so much gelato.  Eventually, we met some friends who also happened to be in Rome, and had dinner and a shared a few bottles of wine.  

Gelato number two - sadly, we have no evidence of number one

The Pantheon

These two like their Italian wine

Brent and Christine happened to be in town

The next morning, we packed in some more sightseeing with the Altar of the Fatherland (Mussolini funded statue dedicated to the united Italy), Palatine Hill, the Capitoline Wolf, and Turtle Fountain (which does not have live turtles in the fountain). We ventured to the Jewish quarter of town, and had more marvelous artichokes, pasta, and possibly some of the best table bread ever (I had to take a picture it was so good).  We went to a beer bar and enjoyed some brews (Italy has some good breweries), before going over to the hip Trastevere neighborhood and having more food (including a tremendous prosciutto sandwich which I would not shut up about, more arancini and a pizza) and beers.  We needed to get back to the hotel, and decided to walk by the Colosseum and the Circus Maximus on the way.  Unfortunately, the sky opened up and we were drenched in ten minutes… so we made a quick pit stop for more gelato to let the rain pass.  There are worse things.

Remus and Romulus!

No live turtles

Mariah’s happy place (Gelato three of four?)

...and mine (prosciutto sandwich)

Sometimes I can get her to drink a beer

But it generally involves bribery with margherita pizza

Aaaaand it’s pouring outside

Rain keeps the tourists away - most of them, anyways

Are you not entertained?

All that’s left of the Circus Maximus

We packed a ton into our Rome weekend, so in Florence (the following weekend) we were a bit more relaxed. We arrived late on Friday so our adventure really just started on Saturday morning. Our first stop was to the Cathedral of Santa Maria del Fiore, which is better known for ‘il Duomo,’ or the massive dome that adorns the church and dominates the city skyline.  It was a fairly easy climb, but the vertigo is real when you are on the interior of the church and looking down. But you are rewarded with amazing art reminiscent of Dante’s Inferno (Florence is his home town, btw) and panoramic views of the city.  

I hope you’re not claustrophobic... or afraid of heights!

Afterwards, we put our name down at Trattoria Mario for lunch, and killed some time at the markets before our table was ready. I don’t think you can see more leather outside of a Vegas S&M convention, but to be honest it is really cool.  We stopped into a market and bought some pastries- creampuff for me and a chocolate cookie for Mariah- to hold us over. Luckily we did not have to wait for lunch long.  Trattoria Mario is regarded as the best restaurant in town, and is only open for lunch. The place is tiny, and you will be seated at a two-person table with two other people and sit on stools that are made for toddlers. The bread is disappointing, but the food is marvelous. The place is meat-centric, and their specialty is the classic bistecca alla fiorentina, which is a super thick, bloody porterhouse steak. The frites were good too.

After lunch, we crossed the famed Ponte Vecchio to the other side of the city.  We walked up to the Piazzale Michelangelo for more magnificent views of Florence.  We walked along the river and stopped by a small tea shop, and sampled some of their goodies. We walked out with some good stuff, and an aspiration to become a tea sommelier and to (keep) travel(ing) the world. We had a rest at a dessert shop before finding dinner (easier said than done, since our first choice for dinner just never opened the restaurant for service- no notice posted physically or online), and closed the night with more beers. It was a bit early, but we have been traveling a lot.  

It was a pretty creepy sculpture...

We slept in, but woke to go to the Galleria dell’Accademia, which is a museum that has nothing of much significance except for a little piece from Michelangelo called the David. Before seeing the main event, we did explore some of the other parts of the museum, including the musical instruments and some religious paintings.  Two asides- first, we saw a pair of little girls (say seven) on a private guide with their parents looking at the musical instruments and throwing out some serious knowledge of the Medicis and the Renaissance art movement (the girl was a self-proclaimed art history buff, and I believe it!). Second, some of the art made to explain the dogma of Christianity is as bizarre (though simultaneously stylish) as the Thai paintings we saw in Bangkok. Seriously, if I didn’t have knowledge of the immaculate conception, I would have thought Christians believed that an old cloud god shot pigeons at a sleeping woman while some creepy dude with wings looked on approvingly. 

But onto the David.  It is every bit as masterful as everyone says.  The story is unbelievable too.  Just think, some 27 year-old just said, ‘hey, can I use that chunk of marble over there? I wanna make something for you.’  And then the Florentine people were graced with one of the most incredible works of art in history is ridiculous.  Michelangelo was TWENTYSEVEN!!!  Oh, and he made the Pieta before that (pictured above, from Rome).

Just look at him! 

Afterwards we just relaxed. We had some pizza, coffee, macarons and beers. I did grab a snack- a lampredotto.  There was a stand just outside of our hotel which filled up during lunch with locals, so I figured I’d try it. The sandwich is made from spiced lamb intestine, and it’s pretty good. I mean, it’s no prosciutto sandwich, but its good. We did make our outside the Uffizi gallery before leaving, and took in some of the city’s most famous patrons before saying goodbye.

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes... singing ayo... 

NBD, just our country’s namesake

Last minute snack

Italy is superb.  It is a country with so many different layers of nuance and culture.  Sometimes I feel people boil it down to pizza and statues, but it’s so much more.  Each region, from Rome, Florence, Venice, Naples, Sicily, Milan, etc. is so different from the next. The food, outside of the tourist traps, is every bit of what makes Italian fare heralded as some of the world’s best. The culture and history is dense and rich- just think, Rome was the center of the western world through two different points of time for two different reasons. Sure, Italy has its problems and frustrations like we all do, but it is a country I will enjoy returning to time and time again.

[themadvigilantist]

Pfffffffff go with the gif is a lazy attempt in writing you might get a proper response if you actually wrote something. anyone can throw a gif around . It is you saying I really can’t be bothered and you should do all the work and most will pass it and ignore it because it’s not a proper starter it’s lame.

-  original source from @girl-in-the-tardis‘s hate anon, copied for vin’s                to response in @girl-in-the-tardis‘s defense…obviously, vin’s ready to              throw shovels. knives. hands.

“Oi! You couldn’t be more wrong about that string of convoluted logic, dear anon. Yes, it’s true that anyone can throw a gif around, hell even I could throw a gif around. At least in the intergalactic sense as a form of message on a planetary scale across the sky but, both have to do with what the person seeing the gif can interpret. If my wife’s writer decides a specific gif is enough to build a story, a plot, or a starting tone of the thread that will be referenced later on; like all good stories, mind you, then so be it.”

“Going with the gif is not a lazy attempt of writing but rather a visual representation of what one could respond with any muse, including my sisters and I. Even though writing it out may work well for you or your muse, sometime a simple icon or gif icon on gif can give out a story that their writer or ‘mun’ may want to give out. For example, if my writer used the following gif for an interaction like the following:…”

Exhibit A:

“…then it is clear enough that it is the other writer’s creation being a substitute or stand-in for the young man. It creates an element of surprise and mystery as well at the overall theme of the story these two or more writers are aiming for angst or a darker thread. This use of this gif leaves it open for anyone to respond to, to place their muse in the situation being hurt by someone with the same face as myself. The gif can also be used as an example for when I find you and what I plan to do once I got you in my sights.”

“…and whatever happens after…of course…”

Exhibit B:

“Another example of a ‘go with the gif’ scenario would be this one, inhabited by an common enemy of my family, friends and I; Einzelgänger. Here is where the writers can either find gifs of their muse holding a phone or simply find a gif that would require them to write out what Einzelgänger is actually reacting to. Which is already a laugh as it is as well as her being disapproving of something the other writer’s muse is saying or doing over the mobile. It leaves it open for the other writer to make a scenario of their own devices that continues on after the gif. With a textless gif, it is up to the writer themselves to choose whether or not they could think of a scenario where the gif would fit in with their character. The other writer isn’t ignoring whatever they are linked to or mentioned to or what have you. If anything, it is most likely because: 

the other writer’s muse would not be in that situation and would not respond to the gif.

there is no muse to actually respond despite the writer wanting to

the mention is probably hidden away or the mention doesn’t automatically link them properly and get lost in their–feed? What is this? Twitter? Nevermind.

There is also a probability that the website does not notify them of the mention and would be in their tag instead for some strange reason. At least that is what my writer regales me with.

The website doesn’t notify them at all

It is drafted or put aside for later so the muse would eventually come back and respond to it

the muse is on hiatus or an indefinite hiatus, becoming obsolete and leaving the writer the mindset of what could have been

So many drafts. Just so many. And so little time.

Drafts being deleted by the website. It has happened before. They have probably answered it only for it to be deleted without anyone’s knowledge. Like the Dalek Computer System on information about certain enemies.

So many other problems and it doesn’t get ignored but, some writers can be forgetful and would have to backtrack to respond.

So many threads with them that when it gets to that type of starter, it’s more of a ‘do they really want one hundred threads with me or is eighty just enough for them to let go and move onwards? Or will this be the thread that will go into the thousands in notes? How long will it last, how long will it be before the original source becomes so odd and out of place to where the writing has gone into pure silliness or pure devastation, to place our own creations into this seemingly endless hellish torture or this malleable heavenly peaceful purity?”

“I might have gotten a bit too personal on that last bit but, any who…”

“Off topic, I’m still shocked that I was able to make that sound like a compliment towards Einzelgänger, that wretched beast. I can still hear her say: ‘silly boy, you can’t kill a vortex of time’ as if she didn’t know time lords created vortexes like her for as a way to connect ourselves to all point of time and space and what we create can easily be destroyed or ripped apart. Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, dear anon, no starter is ever lame unless it was intentionally supposed to be for a bit of fun.”

Exhibit C:

“This kind of ‘go with the gif’ leaves it open for anyone to place where either the woman depicted here is standing OR be the one slow-clapping. It leaves the writers themselves to choose who they want to be, their own muse standing there watching the other or the muse that slow-claps, depending on the response and what is fitting to the muse. It isn’t, as you said, a ‘I really can’t be bothered and you should do all the work‘ but, more of a ‘choose your adventure’.”

Exhibit D:

“Again, this could go either way for my dear sister here. It could be dramatic, silly, or whatever the mood the other responds with. Most likely this is when she knows she has to kill someone even though she knows she shouldn’t and then does so anyway. Just like how our mother taught us… Anyways, going with the gif give the writers a chance to flesh out a visual element in their plot and if you, dear anon, can not write at least your muse’s reaction to a simple gif of someone’s muse: 

it’s not the writer of the muse that’s ‘lazy’ and ‘lame’ for using a simple gif , only as starter but, yourself. It is your choice to write with them or not. It is not their fault you decided to spread witless hate because you disagree with your expectations for what should and should not be a way to greet other muses. The fact that you have this type of thinking and then to type and send it out to them only reveals that you are reflecting what someone has said towards your own writing towards my wife’s writer and you thought I would just sit here and be okay with that? Against my wife’s own writer?”

“To quote Zach Galifianakis’s character Alan Garner from the Hangover trilogy who was quoting Ice Cube’s 1992 The Predator album of the thirteenth track: CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.” 

“I don’t know how to add clapping emojis but, I assume you can hear the claps by now. After all, it’s ingrained into you lot’s heads by now. Overall point, I’m sure most do know about now: Don’t insult my spouses or I will find you and I will kill you. If I don’t, my sisters or someone that I like will. I’ll make sure of it, dear, imbecilic anon. Learn from the Bella anon and promptly fuck off.”

[thearabkhaleesi]

D23 EXPO DAY 2 -  UPCOMING DISNEY, MARVEL, & LUCASFILM MOVIES

A WRINKLE IN TIME

A WRINKLE IN TIME stars Oprah Winfrey, Reese Witherspoon, Chris Pine, Mindy Kaling, & Zach Galifianakis, and it's directed by Ava Duvernay! The movie is based on a book about a girl who travels though time & space to save her father, a gifted scientist who is held prisoner on another planet! The film hits theatres March 2018✨

THE NUTCRACKER & THE FOUR REALMS

Disney has announced details about an upcoming, newly announced film, THE NUTCRACKER & THE FOUR REALMS!✨ All we know about the plot is that it will be a dark twist on the classic tale of the Nutcracker and that there will be four “realms,” including the Land of the Flowers and the Land of the Snowflakes.🌸❄️ Keira Knightly will play the Sugar Plum Fairy, Helen Mirren will play Mother Ginger, Morgan Freeman will play Drosselmeyer, and ballerina Misty Copeland will also star in the movie. The audience at the panel got to see a teaser trailer for movie, which apparently has great visuals including scenery and costumes. It is scheduled for release November 2, 2018.✨

DUMBO

Production has already started on Disney’s live-action Dumbo!🐘🎪 The film is being directed by Tim Burton, and stars Colin Farrell, Danny DeVito, Michael Keaton, & Eva Green!🐘 The story follows Holt Farrier (Colin Farrell), a former circus star and war veteran, who has been enlisted by circus owner Max Medici (Danny DeVito) to care for a newborn elephant with oversized ears. The baby elephant’s ears are a laughingstock and embarrassment to the already struggling circus. That is, until Holt’s children discover that Dumbo can fly! Aerial artist Colette Marchant (Eva Green) and entrepreneur V.A. Vandevere (Michael Keaton) then swoop in to make Dumbo, the flying elephant, a star.🐘🎪 Dumbo will be brought to life through CGI and a team of award winning filmmakers are currently working on the movie!🎪 Dumbo hits theaters March 29, 2019!🐘🎪

ALADDIN CASTING

Disney has just announced the cast for the live-action Aladdin movie! Mena Massoud will be playing Aladdin Naomi Scott will be playing Jasmine WILL SMITH WILL BE THE GENIE! There’s no release date but it’s most likely to be released in 2020.

MARY POPPINS RETURNS

The audience at D23 were shown an exclusive clip from Mary Poppins Returns, the sequel to the 1964 classic musical!☔️ The story follows Michael (Ben Whishaw) & Jane Banks (Emily Mortimer) who are now grown up, and Michael is living with his three children and their housekeeper, Ellen (Julie Walters) on Cherry Tree Lane. After Michael suffers a personal loss, the enigmatic nanny Mary Poppins (Emily Blunt) re-enters the lives of the Banks family, and long with the optimistic street lamplighter, Jack (Lin Manuel Miranda), uses her unique magical skills to help the family rediscover the joy and wonder missing in their lives. Mary Poppins also introduces the children to a new assortment of colorful and whimsical characters, including her eccentric cousin, Topsy (Streep). And, as mentioned before, Dick Van Dyke will play a role in the film as Mr. Dawes Jr., the chairman of Fidelity Fiduciary Bank, which is now run by William Weatherall Wilkins (Colin Firth).☔️ All we know of the scene showed at the panel was that it involved Dick Van Dyke dancing on a table! We didn’t get that scene but at least we got this beautiful video poster starring Emily as Mary!☔️ Mary Poppins Returns hits theatres Christmas 2018.☔️

“I think as a kid, I found that a magical mysterious person whisking into their lives and making everything right again was really comforting as a child … so I always found the film incredibly magical and wanted to be the Banks children! I need to pay homage to what Julie did but carve our space for myself. No one is going to out julie julie andrews. we were very loyal to the books.” - Emily Blunt

THE LION KING (LIVE ACTION)

Chiwetel Ejiofor is going to voice Scar in Disney’s upcoming live action adaptation of The Lion King! He will join an all star cast that includes:

Simba voiced by Donald Glover

Mufasa voiced by James Earl Jones

Zazu voiced by John Oliver

Timon voiced by Billy Eichner

Pumbaa voiced by Seth Rogen

The audience at D23’s live action presentation got to see the Circle of Life sequence from Disney’s upcoming live action version of The Lion King! Apparently it was shot-for-shot as you see in the animated movie, Baby Simba was adorable, and it doesn’t look like CGI! Everyone who saw the scene keeps on raving about how beautiful it was and I can’t wait for the movie! The live action version of Lion King will hit theaters July 2019!

STAR WARS VIII: THE LAST JEDI: BEHIND THE SCENES FOOTAGE 

Click here for an analysis of the footage!

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

Footage from Avengers: Infinity War was shown to the audience at D23! Most of the stars of the movie showed up on stage: Robert Downey Jr., Josh Brolin, Tom Holland, Benedict Cumberbatch, Chadwick Boseman, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Paul Bettany, Elizabeth Olsen, Pom Klementieff, Karen Gillan, Dave Bautista, Don Cheadle, Sebastian Stan, & Anthony Mackie. Infinity War is the movie that all the previous Marvel movies have been leading up to; in it, we see the Avengers & the Guardians of the Galaxy team up to fight the super villain Thanos. The trailer shown at D23 was very spoilery, & I won’t be discussing it here because I don’t want to spoil it on myself, but apparently the footage was so good that the entire audience gave a standing ovation! Avengers: Infinity War opens May 4, 2018.💥

ALL UPCOMING DISNEY MOVIES (2017-2019 ONLY)

2017

November 8: Thor Ragnarok

November 22: Coco

December 16: Star Wars IX: The Last Jedi

2018

February 16: Black Panther

March 9: A Wrinkle in Time

May 4, 2018: Avengers Infinity War

May 25: Han Solo

June 15: Incredibles 2

July 6: Antman & the Wasp

November 21: Wreck It Ralph 2

November 2: The Nutcracker & the Four Realms

December 25: Mary Poppins Returns

2019

March 8: Captain Marvel

March 29: Dumbo

April: Untitled DisneyToon movie

TBA: Avengers 4

June 21: Toy Story 4

July: The Lion King

November: Frozen 2

TBA: Mulan

December: Star Wars IX

[ramajmedia]

10 Best Laika Animation Characters, Ranked | ScreenRant

Known for projects like Coraline, Boxtrolls and Kubo and the Two Strings, LAIKA is one of the most groundbreaking animation studios today. Characters in LAIKA feature films are complex and far from perfect, and the struggles they face often end in unexpected twists. Villains are almost never what the seem in LAIKA films and neither are heroes.

RELATED: 10 Animated Spin-Offs As Good As The Characters They're Based On

Like any good story, the character is the heart of a LAIKA movie, and the company has given fans some of the most interesting, relatable characters over the years. While many animated films portray the hero in a purely positive light, LAIKA isn't afraid to embrace a little bit of darkness, which is why their features are so much fun to watch.

10 Mr. Link, Missing Link

Demonstrative of LAIKA's famous "character who isn't what you would expect," Mr. Link, the "Bigfoot" of their latest film, Missing Link, is a wonderfully polite intellectual. An auto-didactic learner, he puts the standard Sasquatch myth to shame. His shyness is also charming for this particular character, although it makes sense for Bigfoot to be shy since he's so elusive in the first place.

Many of LAIKA's best characters are also brought to life by strong voice actors, and Zach Galifianakis does not disappoint in this role. He fully commands the audience's attention as the refined Sasquatch of the movie.

9 Fish, Boxtrolls

The Boxtrolls is practically Oliver Twist... with trolls. And much more. It's not LAIKA's best work, but it's filled with lots of imagination, tropes turned onto their heads and one of the most adorable surrogate fathers in history. Fish is an unsuspecting, shy troll who has no idea he's going to become a parent to a human boy, but he lovingly cares for him in a way that's unexpected from a monster, or totally expected from a LAIKA movie.

RELATED: Ranking Tim Burton's 10 Favorite Movies

Fish is even captured himself, so his son has to save him. The curious inventor, voiced by Dee Bradley Baker, isn't a typical leader, but he's kindly and caring, qualities we often see in LAIKA heroes.

8 Courtney, Paranorman

It's not common for LAIKA to use a cliche trope in a movie, but many of the trope characters in Paranorman surprise us. Jock Mitch has a boyfriend in a beautiful reveal that was so casual yet fitting in a film about stereotypes, fear, and mob mentality. Bully Alvin ends up being an okay ally. Witch Agatha isn't who she seems to be at all.

But it's cheerleader Courtney, who is annoyed by her little ghost-seeing brother, who turns out to be his most fierce supporter. She pep talks him, holds his hand and scolds the entire town when her own parents can't protect Norman and helps save the day. The characters' bodies in the film are also fantastically different, destroying the perfect shapes and sizes cartoon characters often have.

7 Beetle, Kubo And The Two Strings

While Kubo is the hero of his own titular quest, and he's a lovely character who ultimately gets his answers, it's his parents' story that is so awe-inspiring in the film. The whole movie is an example of redemption and family love, even when it seems as if all is lost, and Beetle, the funniest character of the movie, is at the heart of it.

RELATED: Top 10 Stop-Motion Animation Movies

Cursed to take the form of a beetle and lose his own memory, Beetle is heroic and loving, and when his true identity becomes clear, it is nothing short of goosebump-inducing. It's one of the best love stories in animation, even if the film isn't a love story itself.

6 The Other Mother, Coraline

One of the most terrifying villains of all time is from a LAIKA film. To be fair, The Other Mother, also known as the Beldam, was written by Neil Gaiman in the equally terrifying, if often different, young adult novel of the same name, but she really came to life in the most nightmarish way in the movie.

The Other Mother takes our deepest desires and turns them into a horrible reality, which kind of ruins the entire world. That's the whole theme of Coraline as her fake world crumbles around the heroine, demonstrating that real life can never be perfect and the stuff of our dreams may not be what we really want in the end.

5 Neil, Paranorman

Irritable bowl syndrome, ownership of a kitty cat lunch box and sweating when you walk don't sound like the characteristics of your usual hero, but Norman's unlikely best friend, Neil, really isn't an average hero. He's a wholesome, adorable kid who is regularly bullied at school yet maintains a positive, even realistic, outlook. He embraces Norman's weirdness when his own family can't seem to do the same, and he stands by his side even when he's scared.

RELATED: 10 Zombies With GREAT Personalities

Neil is representative of every kid. He deserves friendship and fun no matter his eccentricities, as do all children, and he's portrayed in such a sweet way that he reminds us that everyone is worthy of love.

4 Winnie Portley-Rind, The Boxtrolls

Winnie Portley-Rind is not all that likable as a character, which is why she's fantastic. She's everything moviegoers see in a standard boy child, from her assertiveness to her rebelliousness. She's not the "feisty girl," but almost abrasive, even aggressive, demonstrating that these qualities aren't only for male heroes.

LAIKA doesn't make the same trite characters, but they go beyond that, creating highly imperfect people with whom audiences can relate. They don't need saccharine-sweet girls who make an inspiring remark here or there when they're happy to portray the humanness of each character with a multi-faceted approach.

3 Sariatu, Kubo And The Two Strings

Kubo's mother Sariatu is one of the most beautiful characters ever written. Between her real identity and the one she adopts to assist him on his quest, she is incredibly brave, yet her memory issues hinder her ability to parent and care for Kubo, who has to become the parent.

RELATED: Nightmare Before Christmas: Things That Make No Sense About Jack Skellington

As more of Sariatu's story is revealed, particularly through her alter ego, and the audience realizes what sacrifices she has made, a seemingly simple animated feature becomes an incredible epic journey worthy of its 97% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It's good storytelling with amazing characters, with Sariatu at the top of the list.

2 Coraline, Coraline

Coraline is one of the most beloved of LAIKA's films, and while the Neil Gaiman-penned classic is a bit different from the animated feature, both portray one of the best heroines of all time. Coraline is a bit annoying. She makes mistakes, she gets into trouble and she ultimately could have prevented everything that happened to her family had she not been so bored and curious. That's why she's brilliant.

Coraline knows she has to rescue her real mom and dad even when the Other world seems too good to be true, as she soon discovers. She has to be brave, tricky and wise in order to solve the puzzle and stay alive, and it's more refreshing than most animated features about girls.

1 Norman, Paranorman

The best LAIKA character ever written is the brooding loner Norman, whose unique paranormal abilities render him an outcast. He's a typical goofy kid who is unable to connect with others because of his abilities, which is only one of the many symbolic themes of this film.

Norman's sense of responsibility, ability to live with how poorly his own family misunderstands him and positive attitude toward the ghosts he encounters every day make him a wonderfully complex character. Even though he's scared, and he owes the town who has judged him nothing, he sets things right with compassion in a way none of them could have done. He's also BFFs with his dead grandma, which is heartwarming.

NEXT: Coraline: 5 Things The Book Does Better (And 5 It Does Worse)

source https://screenrant.com/laika-animation-characters-ranked/

[savetopnow]

2018-04-01 22 TV now

TV

Cord Cutters

Purchasing shows vs streaming

Is there a point in moving from cable to streaming with bad internet?

How Streaming Changes The Documentary Game

Showtime comes to LG smart TVs, no cable subscription required

April Is A Big Month For Streaming Andre The Giant

Netflix Best Of

[US] The Trader (2018): A traveling trader provides a window into rural life in the Republic of Georgia, where potatoes are currency and ambition is crushed by poverty.

[US] The Almighty Johnsons (2011) (Comedy/Drama) -- Wimpified Norse gods incarnated in New Zealand.

[US] Trump: An American Dream (2018) Friends, associates and critics reveal the truly American story of Donald Trump, the brash businessman who defied the odds to become U.S. president.

Reddit Television

Say what you will about Jimmy McNulty | The Wire

For April Fools this year, Adult Swim and Toonami are airing subbed anime, along with the surprise airing of FLCL 3 Episode 1 and the 2004 film Mind Game

Between Two Galifianakises: The Life of a ‘Baskets’ Body Double - In order for Zach Galifianakis to convincingly play twins, the FX sitcom leans on an uncredited stand-in who closely resembles him. Meet Dillon Peddicord, the quintessential “guy who looks like a guy.”

Adult Swim's Toonami is showing the second season of FLCL right now

Sinclair Broadcast Group: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

TV & Jelly

The Bachelor Week 5: Glitter

The Bachelor Week 4: I’ll be that voice of reason and voice of reality

The Bachelor: Week 3 WHY AM I DOING THIS

The Bachelor Week 2: My Patience Has Been Trialed

The Bachelor Week 1: Salt and Pepper

TV Guide

A Series of Unfortunate Events: Did [Spoiler] Survive the Fire?

Once Upon a Time Reveals the Witch Killer's Identity!

Everything You Need to Remember About Legion Before Season 2

A League of Their Own TV Show Is in the Works

ABC Renews Roseanne for Season 11

TV Is My Pacifier

This Week on TV – 4/1/18-4/7/18

Saturday on TV – 3/31/18

Friday on TV – 3/30/18

If We Controlled Your Remote… 3/30/18

Thursday on TV – 3/29/18

TV Line

Pretty Little Liars Spinoff Pilot Photos: First Look at The Perfectionists

April TV Calendar: Scandal's Big Finish, New Girl Returns, Handmaid's Tale Continues and 63 Other Dates to Save

17 Unforgettable TV Character Introductions From Supernatural, Buffy, Grey's, HIMYM, Lost and More

Ratings: Five-0 and Blue Bloods Return Up From NCAA Break; Dynasty Rises

Performer of the Week: Keri Russell

The TV Addict

SUPERNATURAL Photos: Reaching Into the Men of Letters Past

The CW Teasers: Recruiting Angels on SUPERNATURAL, THE ORIGINALS Returns and More

On TV Tonight: Friday, March 30, 2018

April 2018 Premiere Dates: New and Returning Shows

What Is Coming to CraveTV in April 2018?

[jwguide]

A Brief History of Names My Students Have Given Me

Not sure what you could call this guy, other than beautiful

I am a public school teacher. You probably already knew that because of the title of the thing you are reading, or because you follow me on social media, or maybe because you have been in the same room as me for longer than four minutes, which is about the amount of time that it takes me to casually bring up my heroics as an educator of America’s youth. As a teacher(which is what I am), I have to put up with a bunch of bullshit. Everyone knows it’s a thankless job with horrible pay and long hours. What I didn’t anticipate, however, is the ridiculous amount of horrible nicknames students would come up with for me. What follows is a small selection of those names from over the last four years, with pictures for reference. Because there are so many, they have been broken into four categories: Chubby Bearded White Guys, Fictional Characters, Inanimate Objects, and Wildcard.

Chubby Bearded White Guys

Zach Galifianakis   Also: Alan, The guy from the Hangover

This is the first, and most obvious thing a student has ever called me. I have worked at three different schools in two different states and it has never taken longer than three weeks for a group of students to make this connection. The first time it ever happened was before I was even an actual teacher. In fact, I had only been working in a classroom for three days at that point. I was walking through the halls during passing period of the school in South San Francisco where I was doing my student teaching. While I was walking to the break room, I glanced into a classroom and locked eyes with a student that I had never seen before in my life. He immediately shouts “HEY!”, gets out of his seat, and starts charging towards me. My first thought was: Hm. Maybe teaching was a bad choice. My second thought was: guess I have to fight this kid now. He comes straight towards me at full speed, stops no more than six inches from me and barks: “MAN, YOU KNOW YOU LOOK JUST LIKE ALAN FROM THE HANGOVER?!” This is a 100% true story and this shit has been happening to me ever since. Children don’t really get enough credit for being straight up the goddamn worst.

Action Bronson   Also: The Guy from that Chance Video, The Guy from F*ck That’s Delicious

This has only happened like twice, but I remember it because it’s such a solid ref for an idiot teenager to make. I disagree with it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t respect it.

Fictional Characters

Daddy Pig   Also: Peppa’s Dad, Peppa Pig, PE-PA-PIG!

OKAY FINE, IT’S A GOOD ONE. I had never even heard of this cartoon, but as soon as he said it, the whole class cheered in agreement. What’s worse: This kid only refers to me as Peppa now. Sometimes he will just shout PE-PA-PIG! In the middle of me giving a lesson, for no reason at all. He has half of the senior class calling me Peppa. If you were wondering, this absolutely qualifies as bullying.

Leprechaun/Lumberjack   Also: Lumberchaun

Lazy. Offensive. Inaccurate.

Captain Redbeard Also: Captain

A whole group of kids used to address me as Captain Redbeard, and whenever they saw me they would stand at attention and salute. Even if it was sarcastic and made basically no sense, it was the most incredible three months of my life. I’ve never felt more powerful. Then those kids went to college and it has been all downhill from there.

Santa   Also: Santa Claus, Saint Nick

Every year when December rolls around some bozo kid thinks he’s a genius by drawing the connection between me and literally the most famous chubby bearded white guy. I wish I could fail kids for having hacky, unoriginal jokes.

Inanimate Objects

Pancito Also: White bread, White bread with a tomato on top

I recently started teaching at a school that is mostly comprised of Spanish speakers learning English as a new language. This has significantly altered the things that I am called by students, and I have become quite familiar with different ways a Spanish speaker might refer to a white person. The literal translation is “bread roll.” I personally don’t see the resemblance.

McGriddle Also: McGrizz, McGrizzath

This has less to do with the sandwich and more to do with the alleged similarity of our names. Either way, unacceptable.

Hamburger Also: N/A

Student: *Points to the word hamburger* ¿Qué significa? Me: Hamburguesa. Student: *Points to me* You! Hamburger! Me: No I- Student: You hamburger! Hamburger!

Wildcard

My sincerest apologies to the Buscemi family. Mr. Ugly is not real and this is the closest thing. 

Mr. Ugly Also: Ugly, Uglyuglyugly

This girl basically speaks no English at all. Ugly might be the first English word she learned (she definitely knows what it means) and she pronounces it oogly. Sometimes in the halls she will just point at me and yell “OOGLYOOGLYOOGLY”. Do you understand that it is a regular part of my job for teenagers to just point at me and insult me? And I’m not allowed to do anything about it. The kids are almost worse than the fact that teachers get paid in seeds and berries.

Mr. Cagón Also: Cagón

I’m not completely certain on the translation for this one, as I have heard conflicting reports, but it’s something along the lines of “Mr. Shitty” or “Mr. Big Shit” or “This Big Shit Guy”. Not a huge fan of any of those, tbh.

 Which one is the real me

Mr. California Also: N/a

Hey! An objectively sort of neutral thing to call me! It only took literally this entire list to get to something that wasn’t a direct or implied insult! Someone started this when they couldn’t pronounce my last name. I don’t see how “California” is easier to say than “This Big Shit Guy”, but whatever works.

Gringo Also: Mr. Gringo, My Favorite Gringo

I am one of only four white staff members at my school. I am the only staff member at our entire school who isn’t fluent in a language other than English. I have a stupid red beard. I have an ironic tattoo of a regionally specific ice cream sandwich on my arm. When they’re right, they’re right. Soy un Gringo. [Jesse] 

[networkingdefinition]

Mint Quotes

Official Website: Mint Quotes

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• A man in all the world’s new fashion planted, That hath a mint of phrases in his brain. – William Shakespeare • A man who is furnished with arguments from the mint will convince his antagonist much sooner than one who draws them from reason and philosophy. – Joseph Addison • A man who is furnished with arguments from the mint, will convince his antagonist much sooner than one who draws them from reason and philosophy. – Gold is a wonderful clearer of the understanding; it dissipates every doubt and scruple in an instant; accommodates itself to the meanest capacities; silences the loud and clamorous, and cringes over the most obstinate and inflexible. – Philip of Macedon was a man of most invincible reason this way. He refuted by it all the wisdom of Athens; confounded their statesmen; struck their orators dumb; and at length argued them out of all their liberties. – Joseph Addison • Adversity is the mint in which God stamps upon man his image and superscription. – Henry Ward Beecher • After I got shot, you want to know the very first thing that entered my mind? The U.S. Mint. I am coin in the U.S. Army. Now, I have two small holes in me. I’m no longer perfectly culled. Do you want to know the very last thing that entered my mind, You. – Nicholas Sparks • Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. – Billy Connolly • Always keep mint on your windowsill in August, to ensure that buzzing flies will stay outside, where they belong. Don’t think the summer is over, even when roses droop and turn brown and the stars shift position in the sky. Never presume August is a safe or reliable time of the year. – Alice Hoffman • An emergency stash of Thin Mints. Frickin’ Girl Scouts. Those things were way to addictive. They had to be laced with crack.” Charlie Davidson Fourth Grave Beneath my Feet. – Darynda Jones • And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops. – Greg Proops • And you, my best friend on earth, my soul sister who shares Chunky Monkey scoops and beefcake e-mails at the drop of a hat, the woman who made me wear a frothy, ruffled lime-colored bridesmaid dress that added fifteen pounds to my hips, are going to spill your guts to me, aren’t you? (Sunshine) No fair and the dress wasn’t lime, it was mint. (Selena) It was lime-icky green and I looked like a sick pistachio. (Sunshine) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Antiques to Die For sets the gold standard for the classic contemporary cozy. Agatha-finalist Jane K. Cleland’s writing is top-notch; her plotting and pace smooth and assured. This antiquing series is in mint condition! – Julia Spencer-Fleming • As for the garden of mint, the very smell of it alone recovers and refreshes our spirits, as the taste stirs up our appetite for meat. – Pliny the Elder

jQuery(document).ready(function($) var data = action: 'polyxgo_products_search', type: 'Product', keywords: 'Mint', orderby: 'rand', order: 'DESC', template: '1', limit: '68', columns: '4', viewall:'Shop All', ; jQuery.post(spyr_params.ajaxurl,data, function(response) var obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); jQuery('#thelovesof_mint').html(obj); jQuery('#thelovesof_mint img.swiper-lazy:not(.swiper-lazy-loaded)' ).each(function () var img = jQuery(this); img.attr("src",img.data('src')); img.addClass( 'swiper-lazy-loaded' ); img.removeAttr('data-src'); ); ); ); • Basically the sort of guy who looks entirely at home in sockless white loafers and a mint-green knit shirt from Lacoste. – David Foster Wallace • Books were put out, and ‘had a run,’ / Like coinage from the mint; / But which could fill the place of one, / That one they wouldn’t print? – Phoebe Cary • Breath mints and Chapstick are key if you want to have a good kiss. – Brett Davern • Debasement was limited at first to one’s own territory. It was then found that one could do better by taking bad coins across the border of neighboring municipalities and exchanging them for good with ignorant common people, bringing back the good coins and debasing them again. More and more mints were established. Debasement accelerated in hyper-fashion until a halt was called after the subsidiary coins became practically worthless, and children played with them in the street, much as recounted in Leo Tolstoy’s short story, Ivan the Fool. – Charles P. Kindleberger • Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? – George Carlin • Economy, the poor man’s mint. – Martin Farquhar Tupper • Even in the stifling bosom of the town, A garden, in which nothing thrives, has charms That soothes the rich possessor; much consol’d, That here and there some sprigs of mournful mint, Or nightshade, or valerian, grace the well He cultivates. – William Cowper • Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. – Don Marquis • For clothes, I like Dover Street Market and Acne. For vintage, I go to Mint just off Seven Dials. For shoes, it’s Church’s and Russell & Bromley. – Matt Smith • Fresher than a pillow with a mint on it – Drake • God is very precise in this point; he will say to such as invent ways to worship him of their own, coin means to mortify corruption, obtain comfort in their own mint: ‘Who hath required this at your hands?’ This is truly to be ‘righteous over-much,’ as Solomon speaks, when we will pretend to correct God’s law, and add supplements of our own to his rule. – William Gurnall • HAPA was like mint. You could rip it up, and six months later, it was back, healthier than ever. Mint smelled better, though, and you could make juleps out of it. I don’t know what I could make out of HAPA. Compost, maybe. – Kim Harrison • He held the book up to his nose. It smelled like Old Spice talcum powder. Books that smelled that way were usually fun to read. He threw the book onto his bed and went to his suitcase. After rummaging about for awhile, he came up with a long, narrow box of chocolate-covered mints. He loved to eat candy while he read, and lots of his favorite books at home had brown smudges on the corners of the pages. – John Bellairs • He tastes like mint and need, as he overpowers me with his tongue. – Jessica Sorensen • Here’s flowers for you; Hot lavender, mints, savoury, marjoram; The marigold, that goes to bed wi’ the sun And with him rises weeping: these are flowers Of middle summer, and I think they are given To men of middle age. – William Shakespeare • Hot lavender, mints, savory, marjoram; The marigold, that goes to bed wi’ the sun, and with him rise weeping. – William Shakespeare • How awful that the artist has become nothing but the after-dinner mint of society. – Samuel Barber • How shall we account for our pursuits, if they are original? We get the language with which to describe our various lives out of acommon mint. – Henry David Thoreau • I am a collector of many things, but I particularly love the sterling silver mint julep cups, each engraved with the titles of the Broadway shows in which I appeared. – Bryan Batt • I am too rich already, for my eyes Mint gold, while my heart cries. – Mervyn Peake • I come from down south, where vegetation does not know its place. Honeysuckle can work through cracks in your walls and strangle you while you sleep. Kudzu can completely shroud a house and a car parked in the yard in one growing season. Wisteria can lift a building off its foundation, and certain terrifying mints spread so rapidly that just the thought of them on a summer night can make your hair stand on end. – Bailey White • I eat anything, especially sweets. Chocolate, cookies, and I love mint-chip ice cream. – Mary McCormack • I get up at 5.30am, sluice myself and have two Weetabix and some mint tea, before starting to write by 6am. – Andrew Motion • I have a friend who actually told me that she’d rather be dead than be fat. This is a woman who, if I order a sandwich at lunch, she’ll order a salad. If I order a salad, she’ll order half a cantaloupe. If I order half a cantaloupe, she’ll order a cup of coffee. This bizarre contest continues until she’s down to sucking on a mint-flavored toothpick. At this rate, her preference for dying over being fat could be a reality sooner than she thinks. – Joy Behar • I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don’t wear deodorant. I don’t have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I’ve had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren’t wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice. – Zach Galifianakis • I loved Morocco. It’s very exotic and different from anywhere I’ve ever been. I had an amazing day there in the high Atlas Mountains near Mount Tamadot, when I rode by donkey into a Berber village and drank some mint tea with a Berber family. It was exceptional. – Isla Fisher • I made a decision to live outside the city in northern California. My agent said to me, ‘Kid, you’re going to make a mint in television movies.’ He positioned me, and we picked really good projects, and I cornered that market. They were 20-day projects. – Mare Winningham • I took a fresh pack of Luckies, a mint called Sen-Sen, my old man’s Trojans. – Billy Joel • I want you to take a sleeve of Thin Mints and line them up on the edge of the kitchen counter and when I’m hungry I can just bend over and sweep a cookie into my mouth like I’m scoring a goal in hockey.- Jack Gantos • I wouldn’t treat a romantic scene any differently than any other scene. I would really say the biggest preparation was chewing gum and breath mints! For a kissing scene, it’s all about the breath mints! – Alice Englert • If God takes away from us the old, wrinkled, beat-up dollar bill we have clutched so desperately, it is only because He wants to exchange it for the whole Federal mint, the entire treasury! He is saying to us, ‘I have in store for you all the resources of heaven. Help yourself.’ – Aiden Wilson Tozer • If someone offers you a breath mint, accept it. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr. • If you’d asked me at 30 where I’d be during the Masters when I was 46, I’d have pictured myself on a boat fishing, smoking a cigar, drinking a mint julep and watching it on television. – Jack Nicklaus • I’m from South Jersey: The idea of eating a roll with olive oil and anchovies or some kind of sardine and drinking mint tea definitely comes from reading Paul Bowles.- Patti Smith • In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that’s inside your sneakers. It says DO NOT EAT for a reason. Somewhere sometime some genius bought a pair of sneakers and said Ooooh look. They give you free mints with the shoes – Morgan Spurlock • In some circles, the Mint 400 is a far, far better thing than the Superbowl, the Kentucky Derby, and the lower Oakland roller derby finals all rolled into one. This race attracts a very special breed. – Hunter S. Thompson • It is the destiny of mint to be crushed. – Waverley Root • It took me a sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mints and forty minutes to get over that boy. – John Green • It was mint and memories and the past and the future and she felt as if she’d done this before and already she longed to do it again. – Maggie Stiefvater • It’s clear, it’s fresh, like a mint candy. – Margaret Atwood • Ive never drunk coffee. Im convinced it has something to do with why my skin is good. I have either mint, green or black tea. – Saffron Aldridge • Juno MacGuff: You can never have too many of your favorite one calorie breath mints. – Diablo Cody • Lately I’d begun carrying pain amulets in my bag, like some people have breath mints. – Kim Harrison • Life is legal tender, and individual character stamps its value. We are from a thousand mints, and all genuine. Despite our infinitely diverse appraisements, we make change for one another. So many ideals planted are worth the great gold of Socrates; so many impious laws broken are worth John Brown. – Louise Imogen Guiney • Luxury lives in the finer details. It’s a cloth napkin at a dinner table. It’s a mint on your pillow before bed. – Iggy Azalea • Man wants but little here below Nor wants that little long, ‘Tis not with me exactly so; But ’tis so in the song. My wants are many, and, if told, Would muster many a score; And were each wish a mint of gold, I still should long for more. – John Quincy Adams • My fridge is really just vegan: coconut water, Gatorade (my favorite!), cucumbers, mint, kale, vegetables, ginger, and wheat grass. – Serena Williams • My head is pounding. I wish the mints were aspirin. – Holly Black • My intuition told me that it was the grass that was important.Now it glows parrot-green, cool as mint, soft as moss, lying there like a cashmere blanket. – W. P. Kinsella • My wife is one of the best wimin on this Continent, altho’ she isn’t always gentle as a lamb with mint sauce. – Charles Farrar Browne • Nothing except the mint can make money without advertising. – Thomas B. Macaulay • Now if I cry on screen I think it’s mint. Because I think that’s how that person would feel at that time. And if it doesn’t, then it just doesn’t happen. – Michael B. Jordan • Number of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers: 3 – two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s, anyway? Is there a greater waste?) – Ally Carter • Perhaps the most vivid recollection of my youth is that of the local wheelmen, led by my father, stopping at our home to eat pone, sip mint juleps, and flog the field hands. This more than anything cultivated my life-long aversion to bicycles. – Tennessee Williams • Peter curled his hands into fists at his sides. ‘Kiss me,’ he said. She leaned towards him slowly, until her face was too close to be in focus. Her hair fell over Peter’s shoulder like a curtain and her eyes closed. She smelled like autumn-like apple cider and slanting sun and the snap of the coming cold. He felt his heart scrambling, caught inside the confines of his own body. Josie’s lips landed just on the edge of his, almost his cheek and not quite his mouth. ‘I’m glad I wasn’t stuck in here alone,’ she said shyly, and he tasted the words, sweet as mint on her breath. – Jodi Picoult • Rogerson,” I asked him sweetly as we sat watching a video in the pool house, “where would I find the pelagic zone?” “In the open sea,” he said. “Now shut up and eat your Junior Mints. – Sarah Dessen • Sandwich outdoors isn’t a sandwich anymore. Tastes different than indoors, notice? Got more spice. Tastes like mint and pinesap. Does wonders for the appetite. – Ray Bradbury • Scoops of mint ice cream with chips of chocolate cows. – Jim Bishop • She wanted to hold foreign syllables like mints on her tongue until they dissolved into fluency. – Anthony Marra • Take from my palms, to soothe your heart, a little honey, a little sun, in obedience to Persephone’s bees. You can’t untie a boat that was never moored, nor hear a shadow in its furs, nor move through thick life without fear. For us, all that’s left is kisses tattered as the little bees that die when they leave the hive. Deep in the transparent night they’re still humming, at home in the dark wood on the mountain, in the mint and lungwort and the past. But lay to your heart my rough gift, this unlovely dry necklace of dead bees that once made a sun out of honey. – Osip Mandelstam • That the mounds of ices, and the bowls of mint-julep and sherry cobbler they make in these latitudes, are refreshments never to be thought of afterwards, in summer, by those who would preserve contented minds. – Charles Dickens • The coolest gift I’ve ever gotten from a fan was from the Franklin Mint. It was a knife, and it had a picture of General Wade Hampton, who my oldest son is named after. It’s a collector’s item and came with a case and a stand and everything. – Josh Turner • The creativity and pathology of the human mind are, after all, two sides of the same medal coined in the evolutionary mint. The first is responsible for the splendour of our cathedrals, the second for the gargoyles that decorate them to remind us that the world is full of monsters, devils, and succubi. – Arthur Koestler • The greatest possible mint of style is to make the words absolutely disappear into the thought. – Nathaniel Hawthorne • The holy grail is right here in this gem of a book. Tosha Silver’s wisdom goes down as easy as a mint milkshake and leaves you feeling so free you’ll want to do cartwheels on the beach. But don’t be fooled by the simplicity of this message. Look no further for an easeful path to enlightenment infused with rapture and hope, which comes as much needed medicine for the soul. – Lissa Rankin • The irony is that Iraq actually has one of the richest and most sophisticated cuisines in the world. So many classic American or European foods – ceviche, albondigas, even the mint julep – have roots in Iraqi cuisine, which was a crossroads of Persian and Arab and Turkic traditions. The oldest written recipes in the world are from Iraq! – Annia Ciezadlo • The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last. – Evan Esar • The music community in Minneapolis is really incestuous so I’ve gotten the chance to work with a gang of people who have worked with Prince, Mint Condition, got to spend some time with Mujah Messiah, Atmosphere, P.O.S., Rhymesayers, a lot of poets around there. – Nikki Jean • The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’ – Bill Maher • The only thing better than a superb collection of spinechilling stories, is a superb collection of spinechilling stories accompanied by equally unsettling illustrations, and in that regard, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better example than IN MINT CONDITION: 2013. In reading it, I have discovered writers and artists previously unknown to me who are now very high on my radar, and they should be just as high on yours. – Kealan Patrick Burke • The other big factor in building trust quickly is site design quality. Mint.com has one of the best graphic designers ever (Jason Putorti) – he cares about every pixel, all the fonts, all the transparencies and effects. And that shows instantly. People do make judgments of trust on appearance – in the real world and online. – Aaron Patzer • The past has been a mint Of blood and sorrow. That must not be True of tomorrow. – Langston Hughes • The reason I wanted to become an organ player was because I heard Ray Charles play on Quincy Jones’ arrangement of “One Mint Julep.” I heard that sound, and it just struck me. I thought that’s what I want to do with my life. That’s the sound I want to try to make. – Booker T. Jones • The savor of the water mint rejoiceth the heart of men. – John Gerard • The world is like a little marsh filled with mint and white hawthorn. – Mary MacLane • The world is not so much in need of new thoughts as that when thought grows old and worn with usage it should, like current coin, be called in, and, from the mint of genius, reissued fresh and new. – Alexander Smith • The yard was full of tomato plants about to ripen, and mint, mint, everything smelling of mint, and one fine old tree that I loved to sit under on those cool perfect starry California October nights unmatched anywhere in the world. – Jack Kerouac • Then from the Mint walks forth the man of rhyme, Happy to catch me, just at dinner-time. – Alexander Pope • They say no land remains to be discovered, no continent is left unexplored. But the whole world is out there, waiting, just waiting for me. I want to do things– I want to walk the rain-soaked streets of London, and drink mint tea in Casablanca. I want to wander the wastelands of the Gobi desert and see a yak. I think my life’s ambition is to see a yak. I want to bargain for trinkets in an Arab market in some distant, dusty land. There’s so much. But, most of all, I want to do things that will mean something. – Lisa Ann Sandell • Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints. – Demetri Martin • Use Starbucks mints for every occasion—they’re the strongest – Natalie Portman • Use your head, Sep. Loads of wolverines. Hanging around waiting for super. Gtting excited. eating mint blasts. so what do you think they do?’ it must be here. they can’t have eaten that… i dunno, Nik, what do they do?’ POO. – Angie Sage • What did I do? I walked into a drugstore to look for some mints, and then I walked out. What was wrong with that? I didn’t kill Mr. Nesbitt. – Walter Dean Myers • When all is complete deep in the teapot, when tea, mint, and sugar have completely diffused throughout the water, coloring and saturating it…then a glass will be filled and poured back into the mixture, blending it further. The comes waiting. Motionless waiting. Finally, from high up, like some green cataract whose sight and sound mesmerize, the tea will once again cascade into a glass. Now it can be drunk, dreamily, forehead bowed, fingers held wide away from the scalding glass. – Simonne Jacquemard • When Hale’s hand disappeared inside his tuxedo jacket, Macey wasn’t exactly sure what he’d find inside the pocket. It could have been another phone or a breath mint. Really, nothing would have surprised her. Well nothing except… “Is that an earbud?” she whispered. He smiled. “Are you on comms?” “Shhh,” he told her softly. – Ally Carter • Whether the darken’d room to muse invite, Or whiten’d wall provoke the skew’r to write; In durance, exile, Bedlam, or the Mint, Like Lee or Budgel I will rhyme and print. – Alexander Pope • Which meant his only assets were one whiny imprisoned goddess, one sort-of-girlfriend with a dagger, and Leo, who apparently thought he could defeat the armies of darkness with breath mints. – Rick Riordan • Why love the woman who is your wife? Her nose breathes in the air of a world that I know; therefore I love that nose. Her ears hear music I might sing half the night through; therefore I love her ears. Her eyes delight in seasons of the land; and so I love those eyes. Her tongue knows quince, peach, chokeberry, mint and lime; I love to hear it speaking. Because her flesh knows heat, cold, affliction, I know fire, snow, and pain. Shared and once again shared experience. – Ray Bradbury • Yet simple souls, their faith it knows no stint: Things least to be believed are most preferred. All counterfeits, as from truth’s sacred mint, Are readily believed if once put down in print – John Clare • Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:”I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don’t always get what we wish for. – Tucker Max • Young playmates of the rose and daffodil, Be careful ere ye enter in, to fill Your baskets high With fennel green, and balm, and golden pines Savory latter-mint, and columbines. – John Keats

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