#funny how I always keep venting on Tumblr about me being tired every time this happens

[mcrmadness]

I tried to google about spring tiredness (in Finnish), why is every article about being burnout and related to work, and not about the phenomenon itself??? Like, I just wanted to know if spring tiredness as a term (well it's one in Finnish at least) means excessive tiredness in general and whether it has something to do with seasons etc. or not, but everything is about "this is why you might be tired at work during spring" - NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING ABOUT???

This is more like a chronic jetlag. I know it takes time for a body and brain to get used to the changes of a sleeping schedule, but I also know my own circadian rhythm is not normal. My sleep phase is delayed, and my day has more than 24 hours in it. I would say 30h is closer to the amount of hours in my inner clock.

But at this point this is getting ridiculous. It feels like my inner clock would be partially broken and only has 12 hours now. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's hella annoying when it feels like my body does not stop producing melatonin at all. It's like having melatonin high 24/7, my whole body is shaky and my muscles feel SO WEAK because of that. And I know I'm not sick or anything like that, because this is how I feel when I have stayed up for 24 hours too, and this time I haven't.

This is now the third day in a row. I have slept at night, I wake up around 8am, I become really tired at 10am, afternoon is the worst, just wanna have a nad at 5pm and then can't wait for it to be late enough so that I can go to sleep because if I go to bed too early, then I will wake up even earlier and will be even sleepier and drowsier the next day.

I woke up after 8am today and I have been awake for 2 hours and I already feel so exhausted. I haven't even eaten any breakfast yet and I still feel like I'm ready to go to bed cos I just want to sleep. I SLEPT FOR OVER 8 HOURS WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS. Besides, it was MY BODY that woke up. It could have very well kept sleeping for a couple of hours more but no. Just had to wake itself up and be like "oh it's morning :)" and now it's getting sunny outside and I'm getting so much more tired it's insane. I affects my ability to even do things cos my whole body feels so annoying and I can't focus on anything because of the sensory things. Even tho that might be also the key, and it might help me wake up physically if I actually went for a walk or something instead of sitting in front of the pc the whole day doing nothing cos I feel too exhausted.

But yeah, this is my normal. This is what happens with my if I can't follow my circadian rhythm, and some times my brain does this thing especially in the spring where it just randomly clicks and follows the majority's normal circadian rhythm which doesn't fit my body at all. I keep being told you can get used to it and you can learn to get used to waking up in the mornings. No I cannot. I have done that, I have been in schools and had to wake up to those early on for YEARS because my schools started at 8am, I have had a job that started before 8am. My current school starts at 9am. I am able to distract myself from the feels of tiredness with work, especially physical work, but if I keep sitting in one place, I just get so tired. I was always so exhausted at school and even in vocational schools I have had to fight against my body's urge to fall asleep in class. It usually doesn't matter if I have slept enough hours, it's just that I'm forced to wake up earlier than what would be natural for me. It's like if someone with the normal rhythm was waken up at 2am to go to work/school at 4am. I bet they'd get drowsy too eventually.

My own normal circadian rhythm would be to sleep from 2-4am to 10-11am. If I wake up at 11am, I won't get nearly as tired as I get now that my body has kept waking me up between 7-8am after I've gone to sleep between midnight and 2am.

Hopefully it gets better today if I manage to shower after breakfast and then manage to leave the house.

[floatingbook]

Goddammit, thank you for that Page post. I've read discussions about it on tumblr, ovarit and even saidit, and EVERYWHERE the so called feminists were shitting on her for... Being short ig?? Having a big forehead?? And like you said calling her a "teenage boy". This honestly made me feel so disgusted, especially since I'm also short (taller than Page tho) and gnc.I guess this whole thing proves how actually difficult it is to unlearn the misogyny we grow up with :(

Anon was referring to this post. And these kind of reactions are draining. They just make me so, so tired. I mean, a lesbian, one in the public eye, who has spoken before about how she’s been abused and harassed, who has spoken about the shame and self-hatred she’s had to face for being a lesbian, who’s always seemed uncomfortable in “feminine” clothing, and decides to wear the clothes she’s comfortable in and cut her hair in a manner that appeals to her — and let’s be honest, none of the women criticising her when the Time article came out were commenting on lesbophobia or how Page’s decision impacts public perception of lesbians and sex stereotypes; all that mattered was her appearance — and every woman with spare time and zero empathy just decide to insult her style choices. Talk about community, talk about sisterhood. I guess I’m a “ugly teenage boy” too if they pass me in the street and women’s liberation is freedom to dunk on lesbians.

It’s misogyny, plain and simple. A woman has different political beliefs, and instead of criticising those beliefs, that woman is reduced to her appearance and her experiences lose all credibility, she is discounted, because she doesn’t have the right appearance. She’s an “ugly teenage boy”, she’s a “hag”, she’s “unhygienic”, she’s “old”, no man is ever going to want her, she’s gonna end up alone. The same old trope, rehashed, and always directed at women. But yes, I guess the women trashing Page’s choice of plain tees, jeans, sneakers and short hair can call themselves “feminists” because they do know how to spot a woman (read here: the appropriate target for a reduction to appearances only). Given that climate, it’s no wonder Page turned to the gender nonsense to get a break. At least no one there is giving her shit for just wanting to exist*. 

Moreover, I thought one of the point of feminism was that no woman owes you beauty? That no woman owes you a performance to have her opinions considered, or to be extended, you know, basic respect? But I kept seeing women acting as if another woman had to fit their own standard of appearance to be afforded that basic respect. And it’s really funny (and by that I mean terribly sad) how feminists normally agree that make-up, high heels, flimsy and short  impractical clothing are part of the tools men use to oppress us daily, but as soon as a woman rejects them she’s dog-piled? Way to encourage the behaviour you want to see in the world.

It’s also lesbophobia unleashed. There’s never this level of vitriol to criticise heterosexually-partnered women in the public eye who perform extreme femininity, even if their behaviour is way more negative for all the women and girls who come across media where they appear. It’s always directed at lesbians who refuse to conform, who refuse to perform femininity, who choose to exist in their natural state. These women don’t seem to be bothered by who will be hit in the cross-fire. They forget that what Page was wearing in these pictures is the kind of clothes any woman might wear to be comfortable. They forget that there are plenty of lesbians out there who feel at home in that kind of clothes and who wear them daily. They forget that the very women they’re always asking solidarity from are also a direct target of this rabid appearance insulting.

I don’t think it proves how difficult it is to unlearn the misogyny we grow up with; I think it highlights how many women don’t care about unlearning that misogyny. They aren’t even trying. There is no remorse, as highlighted by this anon I got, who should have been able to get it. It looks like for many women, at least in the “Western world”, feminism is just a space to vent about how mean men are, before going right back to the status quo. There’s no want for change, no real will for action. And lesbians keep getting called would-be-men, like the old homophobia. The world is still the same.

*Again, I don’t caution her choice, hating your body and the misogyny/lesbophobia you face is never going to be solved by pretending you can identify out of oppression, but that’s not really the subject here. The subject is criticising women for their physical appearance and for choosing practical clothing (which is misogyny).

[feisty-fae]

If you still do the flower ask thingys.. 👉👈 𝘼𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙜𝙤 :)

HoooH boY hEre we gO-

Alisons: Sexuality?

I sexually identify as a can of beans

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

Cis female she/her

Amaryllis: Birthday?

27 September

Anemone: Favorite flower?

All flowers pretty,, but stargazer lily, rose, dahlia and cherry blossoms

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

I don't watch tv but I'll list some other stuff i like to watch:mha, beastars and aggretsuko

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

Idk depends on scenario??

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

"Kanye West he likes, fingers in his ass."

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

Any Milkshakes or smoothies (mostly banana and strawberry for milkshake and p much anything for smoothie)

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I've never had kith

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Well you see yes but actually no

Baneberries: Favorite song?

I listen to a lot but to keep it short:baby in the kitchen, in my mouth and friends slowed (chase atlantic)

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

We p chill fam

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

Irl bestie,, shes not on tumblr lol

Begonia: Favorite color?

PinKKK

But i like most colours

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

Cats,,,,

FoxES,

ANYTHING CUDDLY AND CUTE

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

Night

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

I'd be like a doggo bc it would be the most fun i think-

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a vet but then when my granny asked me "but whos gonna clean up the animal poop?" I was like "eWW pO0pP!" and then decided that mayb i shouldn't be a vet

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

They're either really kind and sweet

Or literal demons from hell

Legit no inbetween

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

I'm afraid of lot of things-

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I was one dumbass bitcg-

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?

Idk eat pizza and cry or smth ajakamkw

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Single

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

NEW YORKKK, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFF THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO NOW YOU'RE IN NEW YOOORKKK

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

When someone hugs me or just generally spends time with me

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?

Nop

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

I used to have piercings when i was a bab but eHh haven't worn them since and i dont think my ear holes are big enough now-

California Poppy: Height?

4'10 grrr I'm the omega midget and I'll devour ur ankles

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

Nop

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?

Pant, pink top and black hoodie

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

I think i have??

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?

My mom and my dad

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

I never kith

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

I dont have one so imma say sans bc it always looks out of place and makes me laugh-

Columbine: Are you tired?

No

I feel like screaming and jumping around my room like a crackhead

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

Nothing in particular ig

Coneflower: Dream job?

Smth kinda fun and art or design related hopefully,,,,

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert but i also get lonley easily

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

Nop,,,,

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

I would get run over by 5 monster trucks, jump off a plane, get mauled by 10 bears, get trampled on by a stampede, get brutally tortured for 12 hours straight, yeet myself into the Grand Canyon and then break all my bones with my bare hands if they weren't broken already

Ok basically i care a lot

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

I had this st bernard plush called Sparky and this lion named Sammy,,

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libra

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

My memory is legit so bad it's probably concerning uHHH

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

Mayb art??

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?

Ehhh i might reason with them and then if they still disagreed I'd just keep the relationship a secret

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

My parents

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

Ehhh arT

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

EhhHh everything that isn't art-

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

Oh boy here comes my shitty memory-

Hmmm

Idk but I'm mostly happy that I've been more social and stuff and i feel like im kinda coming out of my shell a bit

Not sure what to say for other 2 bc nothing in particular has really happend?

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

Ehhh oK??

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

Mayhapsn't

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

I hope to pass all my exams and get an okish job mayb

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

1.fRIENBS ILY MY HABIBIS

2. Fammm

3. eHhh yummy food,,

4. Drawing and uhhh art

5. EPIC MUTUALS

6. Ok idk what else aside from like serious stuff like house and etc.-

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

Drawing, crying, venting to a friend/parent

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

Hugssss,kith,cuddle, *draws u stuff*

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

MmmmmMy aRRt?

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Wake up

Don't go to school

Vibe with friends

Sleeb

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?

MmMmMM aRT-

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

Ehh 8yrs? We met in hell school

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Friendos

Mom

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

6..?? Aa idk theres some people that idk if they'd consider me a friend or not,,

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Idk any compliment is best compliment for me,,

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

Ew yucky gröss

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

m y a r t

Also my hair bc its soft and wavy,,

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?

Everything else-

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

Climb trees and do dumb shit

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

Same irl bestie i mentioned before

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

MmmmmmMMM,,,

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?

MMMmMMmMMMMmmmMMm,,,,,,

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

Well I chose Fae bc i thought it sounded pretty

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

Idk what to rlly say lmao

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Kinda the same but i had toys everywhere-

Also when i was like 5 i had this legit fucking cursed thomas the tank engine shaped bed that i actually found a pic of but it's FUCKING HORRIFYING SO I PROBS WONT SHOW HERE-

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?

EW BEING A TEENAGER SUCKS ASS HOW DO I UNDO????

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Hi mom ily ur epic

Onions: Tell about your dad.

Hi dad ily ur epic

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

Omg i miss my grannies sm bc i couldn't see em this year bc nasty pandemic

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

Haha shit memory gor brrRR-

I don't really remember too many specific parties but when i was like 7-10 i had these epic parties in those birthday places with the giant play areas

I kinda wish i wasn't too old to go to them sobs

Peony: What was your first job?

I haven't had a job yet

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

Hmmmm idk? I haven't really thought abt that but i don't really mind i just wanna find someone to vibe with,,

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

I cri

Pink: Where is home?

Home is home home

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

Now where do i start...

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

I look up to people that are kind, caring, brave, funny, cool or stronger than me ig?

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

Basically my current life minus school, stress,pandemic and responsibilities lmao

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

I used to believe in ghosts after i thought i encountered one

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

Hermmmst

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

Peoples laughsss also music

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Bro i dont have one,, my aphantasia makes it hard for me to remember stuff-

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

A

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?

I wantttt better chargersss thattt donttt telll meee thatt myyy tablett will finishh chargingg innn 1 dayy andd 7 hoursss

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

Kinda difficult but im opening up more

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

fRIENDS,,,,,wAh

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

8 hrs

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

Idk ig i kinda have to go to school and do stuff

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

Non existant

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My black and white stripy top, and all my hoodiess

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.

I don't think i have just one aesthetic bc im drawn to so many different aesthetics at the same time-

Like vintage, neon, dark, spoopy, pastel, cute, etc etc

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

OMG I LEGIT JUST SCREAM AT ANYTHING ANYONE GIVES ME-

IF SOMEONE GOES OUT OF THEIR WAY TO MAKE ME SMTH I CRY,,

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

🤏

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

I haven't been reading anythinggg

But i should really finish reading Percy Jackson bc it do be picking up dust-

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Everywhere

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

Mmm yummy 👅

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

I am currently living and breathing yes

[sassaetcie]

The Molten Charcoal - Chapter 4 - Silver x Idia Fanfiction

Yeah I may have... forgotten I was publishing this on tumblr... I apologize krkrkr.

I shouldn't have said "yes" that easily. I'm just so weak after a certain time outside... Like it must be a downgrade or something... Sure I don't want to hurt Ortho but... If I end doing shit in front of Silver, I will ashame everone (once again lol), right? I can't tell anymore if it was a safe bet or not... No, it never has been a "safe" bet because I'm playing with humans www. They aren't as easily predictable as AI if they aren't shaking in fear... if they "aren't shaking in fear". Shut the fuck. Shut the fuck up, Idia. No, I should talk like this, right? This is the way I get to the top in videogames, after all... No, shut the fuck. The only reason you get this high... Is it because of "this"? Or "that"? Or both? Or neither, in the end? Nothing "has" to make sense, after all... If everything had to make sense, they would be true. I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE TRUE. EVERYTHING IS THEIR FAULT. EVERYTHING IS THEIR FAULT. THEY'RE THE ONES BEING WRONG, OR BEING A DIFFERENT KIND OF WRONG. If I'm doing everything "wrong" because everyone keeps thinking like them, then there's a possibility that I'm actualy the only one being right, right? (That's a Higurashi curse-like thinking but that's not exactly what I mean...) Everyone is a fucking weirdo here, so why am I the one considered even stranger? That must mean "something else". Or does that doesn't mean anything? Why am I even thinking about all this crap? That's because of them. I shouldn't think about all this... But if I don't, I'm going to disappoint Ortho because I'm going to be stupid and not trying enough... That's because of them. Because they wanted me so bad to be their heir. "A meeting is funny as long as you can play with the people". Why did you want me to play like you? I shouldn't have been here watching every adult whispering. I shouldn't have been here, hearing all these bad things. I shouldn't have been here. But my hair cannot betray you, right? I cannot hide. I cannot run. I cannot speak. Even if this adult smiles, he will stabs the other. Even if this one threatens to stab, it will be "only" a joke. Will it be? Which of them was joking? Which of them IS joking? Why did you show me this? Why did you show me so many people, as if they were your playthings? You really enjoyed inviting every last of them knowing they would insult you, and making them fear for one day to be fighting each other under your blackmailing, right? You even expected me to be abducted, huh? You didn't give a shit when I was abducted by this smiling couple. They really looked nice. I can't tell if they looked nicer than you. How many days did I spend here? They were still nice when they were with me. They kept on smiling. They lied. They lied again. Do I have to become an adult like this? I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. WHY DO YOU EXIST. WHY DO I HAVE TO BECOME LIKE THIS TO SURVIVE? I DON'T WANT TO. I'm tired... Why did they keep on smiling to me even when I told them I knew I had been abducted? Did they really not want to worry me because they didn't bear me a grudge for one of the things you had done to them? I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I can't understand, Ortho. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, you did so much for me and I'm just lost between all of these things... And I was released and I didn't die, right... Right... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ortho. I shouldn't... What should I think? I was almost murdered, right? But I didn't die. Even when another two brothers, two agressive brothers I definitely chose to escape from, caught me and threatened me to death with knives... I didn't die. I knew they were dangerous, right? Or did I want to believe they were not since the smiling couple was a bunch of bastard NPC? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I don't want to apologize outside of this... This will be useless, right? Ortho, you're always trying to help me but you were the one killed, right? I barely woke you up... did I? Or are you another type of fake as well? Who are you, "Ortho"? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't want to doubt you. I don't want to doubt Ortho. If he's the true Ortho, everything's alright. If he is my creation, everything's alright as well. Your skin is alive. Your voice is there. Haha... I should make a Frankenstein's ref here. I feel a bit better but I need to vent... I'll just play a bit.

Thanks [x], WyverneCastel was there and at least my day wasn't an absolute hell (lol). At first the game was total shit since there were a lot of servers crash on this new game, I honestly thought we would just leave and go back to TESO or something casual, since I've already rushed Dragon Nest's new events and the others, lol. We have been able to play but in the end the game was worthless, lmao. It wasn't original, had nothing to be "interesting". Maybe it was "fun" but I don't really care about it anymore... At least, WyverneCastel was funny. They even asked me if I was alright??? I thought they were joking or begging me to buy them something in another game, but it seemed not? I thought it would be good to test out if they were a true friend or not and huh... I was terrified at first.  I thought the whole room was dragging itself into flames and that heat was going to consume me. Either I would burn out or burn the whole world down like I was probably expected to do. So... I've spoken to them, for once. They appeared to be really understanding, somehow. I thought I might get banned or blacklisted for saying out loud that I was gay but oh, I guess our gamers's mindset wasn't that shitty for once. He wasn't surprised that much, so I can't tell if he was really serious about anything but... He told me that of course if the one I loved rejected me because I love him instead of "her", then I should just forget about him because he would be just another bastard I shouldn't pine on... Sure enough, but if love was that easily curable, I wouldn't be on the verge of grieving, nah, crying with all my might just because I "have" a date with the one I love, even though it really doesn't make any sense. Of course I shouldn't be ashamed of being in love with him, and I'm not ashamed of being gay, fuck off. I barely told him that I was in love with a prince-type... Was it wrong? I mean, I have to stay honest or I'll just be the shy-neet everyone likes for no specific reason but pity... And if I can be different than them, it would be for the best as well... If they want to make fun of me for this, I will just hack them and teach them a little something, still lurking in my own den. Or in the worst case, I would have changed my pseudo... WyverneCastel did not mock me, and maybe never ... even fathomed mocking me. That's probably just a dumb thought but I feel like they are just curious and benevolent (I guess they're the depressed mysterious dude character)? Nonetheless, I don't want to be naive and crushed, but even more I don't want to get closer to the Flame Crown. I don't even want to write down their names. They don't deserve it, right? WyverneCastel, WyverneCastel, WyverneCastel. Let's scribble down more about them.

They... told me I would find my prince if I wanted that much to be with one, and yet feared that much being with them. I guess he would be the kind to speak of "trials", "fate" and "forgiveness". A hopeless optimist, an eternal philanthropist (and not the Izaya kind, huh). I should tell him someday that I'm happy to have him as a friend. He probably already knows about it... right? Maybe I'll just make myself a stupid lad by telling him this... But does he want me to tell him this, too? Perhaps he wishes for a single word as an "hope"? He knew of my school as a "miracle", too. He even asked me if my "beloved" was Epel Felmier... I mean, I could have, perhaps? He's way too cute for me, he almost looks like a child (not a girl since just thinking about it would bring a curse upon me lmao, no honestly, even if I don't like him, that would be disrespectful.), I can't. And we also talked about how frightening he was whenever he snapped... Definitely not for me, and he looks fake too... Like all of Pomefiore, except creepHunt, to be fair. They are just so superficial and shiny... It looks like they want to walk on water and leaped out of it to sit on sunny clouds. I would offer my flames to them if I could... I just told WyverneCastel my love was another student, and not a Pomefiore one. Of course, he could have heard of the school because of its reputation and Pomefiore because Vil is in it... But I'm pretty sure he is a student now, since he already told me he was a guy (wouldn't have assume his gender if he didn't tell me). Well! I assumed he was a student because of the ominous silence following my answer before he started rambling again. His Internet couldn't have crashed since I still could hear his mic buzzing, and so neither was the mic off. He simply, didn't make a sound. For a few seconds. And if he had been surprised about my choice not "being Epel", then he would have surprised before, and not lolling as he was, probably. I didn't tell him but he probably wants me to ask him about this someday too. I guess... I didn't have the time to question him since some scams invaded our serv and began behaving as if they were girls with their girly characters in-game... Of course they were asking for money for IRL meetings and all that stuff so I just hacked them... It took a few minutes, but I couldn't afford to lose hours with WyverneCastel trying to ignore them when they were making a ruckus and... using hyper sexualized women characters? Like wtf, are we still in the past, dudes? They're just hurting everyone by doing this, and the LGBTQIA+ community doesn't needs some dumbfucked lads who would just serve as scapegoats for people hating on trans people and women... So fucking tiresome. I just wanted to talk about my prince and bad-written NPCs barged in. In the end, he just told me everything would be alright as long as I was staying true to my self and that I wouldn't find any semi-perfect prince if I didn't... I guess he meant that it would be easier to find one if I was faking but that the prince would indeed be ideal if everything was a lie, but then the whole prince, castle and white horse would be stuck together around me, and there would be no way of separating them... And the other way around, probably. I should take a walk and sleep, now... Or try to sleep, at least.

[Started Recording at : 9:45 am : Fourth? Day]

The coliseum was blessed by hollowness. Void and vacuity, though fake vacuity in the end, facing the sweet void, twirled among the stairs yet engraved by humans centuries ago. The eerie, airy presents were not made to hold any perfume neither scent. Only one or two students jumped from seat to seat to leave but nothing behind them. All of the ancient chairs were on their own, now.  And thus, the presence among them refrained from gamboling as well, and went back to another void. They were, after all, no exception.

-Hmm, it seems the coliseum is empty today. I guess sometimes pups do behave as good boys. Well, if they study in the meantime, that is.

The wind was cut at some point, even if it was authorized to come in this area. He should not be that greedy, probably. No storm, no tempest, no breeze was to interrupt an exam day in the coliseum. Sunshine could not disappear yet, but someday quiet shadows would run accross the dirt field. Stones bedecked by seals and symbols did not need all of this light.

-Pups! Come here. Let us make teams and start the exam right in time.

Each student throngs on the still ground.

-Hm, everyone is here. Good boys. Diamond Cater, Hunt Rook, please make a first team. Mhh... Well, Shroud Idia... What is it, Clover Trey?

-I don't mean to interrupt you at all, sir and I'm sorry if I do. I would like to know if it were possible to be with Shroud? His performances may end up bad if he was with someone he doesn't know, and he may also have panic attack and it would mess up everything.

-This is quite an harsh way of saying things, Clover Trey. I would like Shroud Idia to overcome his fears, but let us be benevolent for this test only. He barely shows up, after all. But next time will be a random pairing, remember this. And this will only works if Shroud Idia agrees with you, Clover Trey. What of it, Shroud Idia?

-I-i-i-i-I... huh... wh-why not... after all...

-Thanks, Crewel sir, thanks Shroud.

The seats were still empty, and were meant to stay away from a temporary crowd. The sun was already too much of a witness, in the end. How much would he suck away all of the water in the flames heir? Perhaps it would first attack his surroundings. He was not alone. There was even a possibility he would get away with a tiny drop in his hands. A drop shining by reflecting.

-Diamond Cater, Hunt Rook, get yourselves ready. Shroud Idia, Clover Trey, stand in front of them. We will start the exam. Let us see who can stand until the end.

The two semi-teams came forth. None of them were fully a team, indeed. Diamond and Hunt smiled to a certain percent, and Clover and Shroud stressing to another. Was it the higher the better, or the lower the better? Several words were muttered by Idia, and Trey barely reacted. Were Rook and Cater deserving of a victory, now?

-Lets us begin, puppies.

-Damoiseau orné de diamants, may you use your unique magic to ease our hunt?

-Suuure~ I planned on doing it from the moment we were facing Shroud anyway~ He fears crowd so let's have fun, Shrouuud~! I'll take a selfie with you if you lose eheh!

-Hey, Shroud you... Hey, why are you hiding behind my back?! Jeez... it was to be expected, I guess. Fine, let's go, Cater! I won't abandon Shroud the way you don't care about Hunt!

-"Split Card"! Let's go, myselves~ Let's pin cutie Trey to the ground and force him to give up!

-Oh, oh, so you think something as simple will work on me, Cater?! Your "selves" won't move anymore if I can strike them all in one single shot... "Doodle Suit"!

-HEHHHHHH?! DID YOU JUST REWRITE MYSELVES?!

-OH YES I DID!

-N-nevermind! It won't be enough to defeat me... as if my unique magic was the only thing that was... shining withing myself! Take thiiiiiiiiiiiis!

A fireball flew across the area, flickering of mad sparkles. Yet, it was alone, as blinding as it could be. No other fires hid themselves. The light went forward, running through the usual sea-like Cater toward the forever lake-like Trey. Cater's "selves" were still, and would not move as long as Trey was not overdoing himself. Basically, Cater "should" have aimed to reduce his focus and magic slots. If Trey could have defend himself twice, then he should have throw several fireballs, as long as they were more than two. Yet he did not. No matter how Trey was stretching his neck and all body as one, there was but one fireball coming his way.

-That won't do it, Cater! I will bring you down... and I will take care of Hunt!

-Heeh~ Could that mean you can't take both of us down? You're really tired, huuh~! I will make you fall asleep and you'll have some sweets dreams, Treyyyyyy~!

They both brung their hands on their foreheads and wiped some sweat, almost in the same fashion as well. There was a possibility they were both lying. Yet, if Cater has used his unique magic and was still forced to maintain it because of Trey's unique magic coercing them into a motionless army... The fireball burst into numerous drops and shone into multiple drips full of infinite colors, filled with Trey's own magic and shades.

-Don't even think your fire magic will be enough to defeat me.

-Then I'll use some tree one... Just kidding! I knew I wouldn't defeat you, but we already won, right, Rook~?

-Damoiseauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Rook Hunt had disappeared from Trey sight for a long time for obvious reasons, but so had Idia.

-I... don't see Le Roi des Ombres behind Le Chevalier des Roses! Quelle est cette diablerie!

-EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!

-Hehehehehehehheheheheheheheheehehehehe... NEVER UNDERESTIMATE ME AGAIN, FUCKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!

A single ray came behind a still Cater's copy, bouncing between all of the numerous fake selves toward the usual fake one and its superficial yet earnest one, drenching the losing liars with a superficial water worthy of them.

-Huh... we...

-Clover Trey and Shroud Idias team won. A brilliant strategy, I reckon.

-Wait, what do you mean by strategy??? Shroud and Trey had...

-Yeah, I had planned this since the very beginning ufufufufufufuu... From the very moment you thought I was simply muttering to myself, Trey was listening to me and ready to follow my strategy!

-Uwaaa~ Idia Shroud is actually so cooool~ Can I have a selfie with you to apologize~?

-No w-w-w-w-w-way! You hypocrite...

-That aside, I must apologize for judging you, Roi des Ombres. You really do show a beautiful intellect and scheming.

-T-That's okay... Just let me go away, please...

The wind finally thronged in the no-more private area. The void would likely move as well. Among all the droplets, their status was but one, and only one. They were the one hindering the sun fostering reflection. They were the one hiding music. The child of the void's hair waltzed dazzlingly under the bright sun overflowing. His fingers tried to force the hair down in the hood, but only some of his skin obeyed in the end. He coerced his feet protected from the atmosphere by boots to move on, and more especially, back. But the crown of flames rushed forward, gleaming in front of him again.

-How beautiful, Roi des Ombres! Why would you want to hide such brightness...

-Oh, Cater, Hunt, look out, Vil came to cheer you up!

-EHHHHH?

-Oh~?

The flames followed the kid which they were yet meant to fuse with someday. They had no choice once no more could play with them... No sand was brought to their eyes, though. All elements were not helping him, after all. He had disappeared. Only clouds were playing with the sunshine.

-Eeeh, Treyyy~ Vil wasn't there, are you sure your eyesight is good even with your glasses on~...

-I'm sorry! I thought I saw him... Oh, Shroud has left.

-Chevalier des Roses, you are but quite the bad comedian. On a side note, what a great strategy, oh my!

-Rook, what the...

-Le Roi des Ombres sure has thought a lot upon this fight, hasn't he? The fact he asked you transform Damoiseau's copies into motionless mirrors to make his own shot bounce in it... Splendide! It was really splendide!

-Haha, thanks, Hunt. He really thinks a lot... He just needs some time to open up to people. Let's be nice to him.

-You three! Move away, pups! The next team has to fight!

-O-oh, yes, sorry, Crewel sir.

[Ended Recording at : 10:30 am : Fourth? Day]

[solastia]

Dear Authornim | 2

Pairing: Kim Seokjin x Reader

Word Count: 1,862

Summary: You’re a writer of BTS fanfiction. rockstarjin is your favorite reader that you’ve actually come to be friends with…and maybe had a bit of a crush on if you were honest. You’re up for quite the surprise.

Warnings: Not really much this chapter. Single instance of the word whore, but no one was calling someone that. It was just a comment. Semi-vague sort of sexting (you’ll see). 

Notes: I might make a separate chapter after this is done - like a bonus type thing - featuring some comments from rockstarjin, if you guys are interested. I wasn’t sure if everyone would want to see them or if they’d bore you, so I kinda glossed over that. Let me know if that’s something you’d want! Commissioned by @kimseokmomjins

Being a writer - even if it’s simply for fanfiction - you take comments and reviews very seriously. A good comment or review can lift your spirits and leave you smiling for a whole day. A negative comment often leaves you questioning everything and going over your chapters with a fine-tooth comb. The rare unicorns were the readers that took the time to leave long and detailed comments, stating exactly what they liked and disliked about the latest chapter. Many of these were filled with valuable suggestions and helped you decide the path that your stories would take. 

One such unicorn was named rockstarjin, a reader that had been following your work for nearly a year now. His first comment had practically been drabble-sized, and had covered everything from his enjoyment over how realistically you characterized Kim Seokjin to how he was certain he would never use the “W” word (he literally typed out “W” word instead of whore, something you still teased him over to this day). 

That first review of his was only one of many. He took the time to give detailed reviews on every single chapter you posted until you discovered that in your head you were practically writing for him. It had even gotten to the point where several of your stories were ideas that the two of you had chatted about on tumblr for months, working through every detail. He still seemed a little iffy on the smut, but he’d gotten you to consider the idea of writing Seokjin as “Less aggressive” in the bedroom. 

Your friendship had grown until you were now friends on practically every social media app - nevermind that his profiles were always suspiciously void of personal information. The more that you talked to “Rocky” (you started calling him that months ago since he didn’t seem excited about telling anyone his name, though he knew yours), the more you looked forward to interacting with him. 

You couldn’t even explain really why you were getting so attached to some blank face behind the screen. You didn’t even know all that much about the real him, just small observations from chats. Like, you knew that he seemed similar to Seokjin in a lot of ways, which is probably why he claimed him as a bias. 

Rocky was very fond of puns and dad jokes, often sending you one first thing in the morning on KKT instead of a hello or good morning like a normal person. This morning it was, “Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.” You were ashamed that they always made you laugh at least a little bit, but it made you happy that one of the first things he thought to do in the morning was send you something. 

He was also fond of talking to you about food and recipes, acting affronted whenever you mentioned not knowing what something was. He would literally bully you into going to the grocery store and buying the ingredients he’d list out, demanding pictures of the final product like he was Gordon Ramsey. You had to admit he had good taste in food, even if you didn’t think your cooking skills were quite on par with his. It sometimes made you wonder if he was a chef, but the one time you’d brought it up he’d claimed to be too damn tired to cook and was living vicariously through you. Of course, that led to you asking what he did that got him so tired and he gave you another vague answer, stating he was in entertainment. Whatever the hell that meant. 

It bothered you sometimes that even after all this time he was disinclined to tell you anything, but you couldn’t help it as your feelings slowly evolved from those of friendship to...well, something more. You were a little hesitant to use the L word, considering you only knew what he wanted you to know, but you definitely had a crush at least. Not surprising considering he seemed to be everything you were looking for. He was considerate and compassionate, funny, creative, and so many other things. However, the fact that he was so very loud and proud about his love for Seokjin made you avoid looking at your feelings too closely. Because while you were over here pining for him, the only person that praised Seokjin more than Rocky was Kim Seokjin himself. And that could mean any number of things. 

Even when he helped you with smut ideas he got you excited. He had slowly gotten you to lean away from always writing Seokjin as some powerful dom - something your other readers had begun to notice and comment on - and now most of your scenes had him as being the more submissive one. He seemed to like it best when the main character was more of a soft dom, willing to take charge and take care of Seokjin. Rocky claimed that a man like Seokjin who was always working hard and worrying about one thing or another would relish the idea of being taken care of. You had to admit it made sense. 

You sigh and glance at your phone again, noting the lack of notifications. Your morning pun was the last you’d heard from Rocky today, something that had been happening for a few days now. Considering BTS was on tour right now, you’d expected a lot more messages about how he thought Seokjin was especially handsome today. Instead, for almost a week it had been nothing but your morning jokes and once he sent you a picture of his fancy looking dinner complaining about the portion size. You were beginning to really miss him, but you figured he must be busy. 

You wanted to scream with him today, considering BTS was finally going to be in your city in a couple days. You’d bought the tickets months ago, and Rocky had even convinced you to get pit tickets, something you never do because it’s basically a gladiator stadium up there. You were currently waiting for one of the boys to show up on vlive since the last concert before they traveled to your city had just finished a bit ago. It had been a fantastic show and Seokjin had looked as beautiful as always. You hoped he would be the one to go live, but that was rare unless he was with another member. 

Suddenly, your phone beeps and shows a message on KKT. 

Rocky: Kill me

You smile widely, excited flutters starting in your belly. It was ridiculous how pleased you got just to hear from him. 

You: Is there an option B? 

Rocky: We could run away and start a new life on a deserted island. Our descendants will become known as the most beautiful people on the planet. 

You blush and force yourself to cough to cover up the giggle that threatened to escape. 

You: Is that so? 

Rocky: Naturally. They all take after me, of course. 

You: Of course. 

You: What brought this on? 

Rocky: I’m so damn tired. My body hurts and I just want to sleep for a week. 

You: Oh no! Do you have time to soak in the bath? Epsom salt works wonders.

Rocky: I’ll be able to soak later. Right now I’m just forcing myself to stay awake long enough to eat. I feel like a zombie. 

Rocky: Hey, why did the zombie cross the road?

You: Why? 

Rocky: TO EAT THE CHICKEN 🤣

You: 🤭 

You: Really though, take care of yourself. I don’t want you getting sick on me. 

Rocky: How would you take care of me?

You gasped, peering hard at the phone. This was new. Of course, you could be reading this the wrong way, and he’s simply asking to ask. 

You: Depends. Are you asking for tips or in the white boy “What would you do if I was there with you” way?

Rocky: Let’s try it this way. Say I’m Kim Seokjin. I’m tired and hurting after another long night of performing. You’re waiting for me in my hotel room. How would you take care of Jin?

You: Omigosh, are you voluntarily helping with a smut scene? 

Rocky: Sure 

You: Ok, let's see. This scene can’t get too crazy if he’s tired like that. I think mostly I would focus on his comfort. 

So, he’d show up and I’d already have a bath waiting and food on the way. Maybe some aromatherapy candles are lit and some quiet instrumentals in the background. I’d let him soak until the food got there, hang out in the bathroom with him and let him vent to me if he wanted. 

After his meal, I would put a towel on the bed and have him lay on top so I could rub him down with massage oil. Naked, of course ;) 

I’m sure he gets it from professionals, but I think he’d appreciate it right after a concert and bath. 

Then, it would just depend on what kind of story it was. I could either rub him down like that until he falls asleep, or it could go the smut way. There are lots of options for that too depending on the story. I could give him a handjob while I talk sweetly to him, I could ride him and tease him, maybe peg him if he’s into that. Anything that would keep him soft and pliant, because the goal is to get him comfortable and happy. To show him he can just let go with me, let me be in charge of his pleasure. Show him he’s loved and cherished.  

Rocky: Fuck

You: Too much? 🙊 

Rocky: No

The phone was silent for a whole two minutes. Surely he’d heard worse from you, so you didn’t think you’d freaked him out or something. When another message came in you breathed a sigh of relief. 

Rocky: So, I’m gonna be in your city for the concert

You: No shit?! I can suggest so many great places for you to eat!!!

You: Or if you wanted, we could meet up? No pressure and I totally won’t be offended if you don’t want to. Stranger danger and all that. 

Rocky: You know what

Rocky: Let’s meet

[sirfrogsworth]

Hey, could you tag your facebook arguments with dummies please? I totally agree with you but they make me hecka anxious for some reasn.

This comment is also relevant…

I’ve actually been meaning to write something about this. Because this is a weird thing I have really struggled with for years and I have yet to find a great solution. 

I often feel super guilty because it seems like such a small thing–a few simple requests to help out my amazing followers. But there are like 12 different obstacles that keep my brain from being able to tag things consistently.

Thankfully I have gotten much better at tagging the big stuff. The obvious and most common triggers have become (mostly) ingrained in my muscle memory. But when things get a little more specific I cannot be relied upon to be consistent. 

A lot of times when I’m working on longer posts, by the time I’m nearing completion, my brain is running on fumes. Which means my brain fog is usually pretty bad. And that makes me very forgetful. Both long and short term memory. I mean, I’m always tired to some degree so there is always a layer of fog. But my memory is especially crap when I’ve been concentrating for long periods of time. 

So sometimes I forget to tag things altogether. Or I at least forget a more specific thing I was supposed to tag. I’ll forget if I’m supposed to do trigger warning or TW or CW or add ‘mention.’ Other times I might get this lazy feeling on top of that and it can muck things up too. (I hate using the word ‘lazy’ because with CFS and depression it hurts to call it that, but it is the most relatable term in this context.) And if I’m being honest, sometimes I’ll just be grumpy and depressed and I just don’t want to figure out what to tag stuff with. I just want to post the thing, ya know?

I know someone is going to say “UGH! It’s not that hard! Just tag the things!” 

But that is part of the frustration of conditions like CFS and depression. Easy things can be super difficult. I’ll be upstairs and my mom will ask me to unclog our laundry chute when I get downstairs. And I’ll tell her to send me an email because there is a good chance I’ll forget by the time my foot hits the bottom step. Or I’ll have to cross my fingers and keep repeating “laundry chute, laundry chute, laundry chute.” 

My brain is such a confusing place. Today I remembered that most LED lights currently cycle at about 400hz. Facts like that stick in my noodle like glue. But I also went to cook some Hot Pockets and when I got to the toaster oven I found lukewarm Hot Pockets that I already cooked an hour earlier. 

I’ve made lists of tags and then forgotten to check them. I’ve asked people to remind me but not everyone is around all the time to do that. I found an autofill thingie but that never worked right. I used to have an assistant, and that worked great, but once I got sicker I couldn’t afford to pay them anymore. I’m open to suggestions, but it feels a bit hopeless to cover all scenarios. 

That said, I have been considering a catchall tag. A single tag I could use whenever I think a post has any kind of serious subject matter. I thought “tough stuff” would be good because it wouldn’t be too common. Plus it rhymes so I might remember it better. If anyone thinks that might be helpful, I’ll give it a shot. But usually people are okay with some “tough” posts and not others so I don’t know how useful it would actually be. And I still can’t make any guarantees that I’ll keep it up or remember every time. 

Much of the content on this blog is going to be political in nature for the time being. I need a place to vent, to organize my ideas, to share my activism. My country is in turmoil, my president is pathologically evil, and my planet is on fire. This is where I’m going to talk about that. If that isn’t your cup of tea, you might be better off just following my main @thefrogman tumblr. Any cute or funny things that do well on this blog usually end up there anyway. 

I mean, I hate to tell people not to follow me, but if you are super dependent on tags to avoid triggers–it might be for the best. 

I will try to add more tags, but I am going to forget sometimes. I just am. If people want to add replies and tell me I missed something, that might help a little. But I really do not need the guilt of screwing up adding to my anxiety. Please don’t put that burden on me. 

I hope you all understand. 

[pisati]

I already posted on main about it and I’ve got nowhere else to really vent. I know my co-receptionist is active on twitter and I don’t know if she’s ever tried to look for me (probably not), but I don’t want to risk complaining where she could possibly see.

it’s just been a long, shitty week. and it’s only tuesday. we had two euthanasias yesterday and two today. usually we get one TOPS in a week. most weeks we don’t have any. 

I don’t know how many weeks we’ve been doing this now, but it’s definitely been over a month. I’ve worked with the lead receptionist a bunch since I started. she’s nice, but she’s very much got her own personality. she’s from new jersey, and that’s the explanation for a lot of her attitude, she says. I respect her and how well she knows herself and her boundaries. but I really feel like she could be a little nicer. I get that she’s worked in healthcare for a long time and she’s seen some shit but she acts like she knows everything and sometimes it’s just really insensitive.

I don’t think she means to sound rude, but there have been times when I’ve been talking about something and she’s only half-listening, usually because she’s working on something, and she’ll finish what she was doing and go “now what are you babbling about?” she did it to one of the techs the other day too. I know she just means to ask “what were you saying?” but it really makes me feel like whatever I’m saying is just nonsense to her, like I’m running at the mouth and whatever it is isn’t important. 

we listen to what she wants to listen to. for 12 straight hours, 3 days a week, every week. according to her my music taste is respectable, but “a lot of sad-sackery”, so we listen to her music. we have limited overlap, but I don’t say anything. not because I don’t want to start an argument, I’m pretty much cool with whatever. but I’ve noticed that when we listen to what she likes, it’s often just a small handful of things she likes. I KNOW DMX has way more songs than just the same few. same with nicki minaj and beyonce. we’ve listened to some rage against the machine, which I can appreciate, but there are definitely way more songs than just killing in the name, bombtrack, take the power back, and know your enemy. I’ve listened to musical soundtracks. we did les mis and chicago and maybe a few others last week. I’ve sat there and watched videos I didn’t care to watch, because she’s really enthused about black opera singers and bruce springsteen and whomever the fuck else, because I like to think I’m a nice person and when someone is excited about something and wants to share it I let them be fucking excited about it, even if I don’t give half a flying fuck about it. today was a disney day, apparently, so I listened to soundtracks for mary poppins, the little mermaid, and beauty and the beast. sound of music too. whatever other eclectic songs tickle her fancy on any given day. but I’ve noticed it seems to just be the things she likes. I’ve come to work on disney days before but I don’t recall hearing soundtracks to more than just a few movies. I tried to get her to listen to a little hozier once or twice; since she’s a singer we often end up talking about vocal talent. and I was trying to show her what a great vocalist he is. she listened to maybe a few seconds of a song or two and, nah, not her taste. she gets why someone like me would like his voice, though. today she was laughing about something one of the techs had said; we have a whiteboard in the back hallway and every week or so someone (her, maybe?) puts up a prompt and people can write their responses. ya know, team bonding, sorta. this week she’d put up “what two famous people would you like to have dinner with?” and one of the techs had written “leo dicaprio and billie eilish”. and she was laughing about it. she’s not a fan of billie’s popular stuff. I told her about how I didn’t think I’d much like billie at first, but I listened to her whole album and I was surprised, I thought she had a really nice voice. just.. nope. I asked if I could play one song. just one. nope, nope, nope. she’d listened to half a second of each song on her album and decided she didn’t like any of them. I didn’t press.

yesterday she really just... ugh. the head vet had come up to the front desk to tell us that a really sweet client offered to buy us lunch, and did we have any ideas on what we’d like? they were thinking panera. I wasn’t sure if there was anything there I’d eat, but I’d take a look at the menu. my coworker had piped up with “she’s like super picky” and then ensued the “so what do you eat?” conversation. I didn’t really have much to say, since I’m tired of that fucking question and I don’t have such a small palate that I can just list off everything. she interrupted with “mac and cheese, I know that.” I forget what else she said, but I tried to explain that it was a sensory issue and there’s actually a disorder that involves a sensory rejection of food that lasts well into adulthood, and she was just sitting there next to me trying to hold back laughs. I asked her what was funny, she goes “it just sounds like picky eating, like it sounds so ridiculous”. 

yeah, because I love being 25 and not being able to go to more than a tiny handful of restaurants with friends because those few places have one thing on the menu I’ll eat. I fucking love being too deeply embarrassed to special-order anything plain that I’d rather not eat at all. I love the “so what DO you eat” question, I love being laughed at and made fun of, I love feeling like a child who could never “grow out of it”. I really fucking love it, that’s why I continue to do this to myself. fuck’s sake.

this is the person who takes euthanasias so seriously that she’ll fuck anyone’s day up if they interrupt her while she’s getting paperwork together or if they’re being loud while the owner is in the room. she told me about her home health care work and how she dealt with a lot of people who were in hospice and she was real sympathetic to just about anything, because they were dying. I know I’m not dying, this doesn’t involve death, but the complete lack of empathy towards me just... really hurts. here I am trying to explain myself the way I always feel the need to, because I apparently have to have a fucking reason why I’m so picky, and she won’t hear any of it. she was fucking laughing at me. 

I don’t feel disliked at my job, but I’m getting that feeling like I did in high school and college. like I’m both a part of something and not. I know I’m weird and a little awkward, but... she talks to people on the other team and they leave memes for each other. there’s a new girl on the other team who only started a month or two ago, but my co-receptionist is leaving memes for her specifically; the new girl even called today and she picked up, and they were having a riot of a conversation from what I could hear; a lot of genuine laughter, and I could hear the way she was talking, it sounded just so natural. a lot of the time with me she doesn’t quite sound like that. she’s got a pretty dirty sense of humor, and she was leaving some pretty gross memes for the new girl, meanwhile there was a video she’d shown the new doctor and the head vet that she didn’t want to show me because she “wasn’t sure if we were there yet”. she’d already described it to me, and she finally showed it to me today; it was just some nerdy guy singing about pussy in an 80s R&B voice. nothing I couldn’t have found somewhere on the internet myself. hell, it’s probably already floating around tumblr somewhere. idk, I don’t feel disliked but I am starting to feel left out. like, even the new people are more integrated than I am, and I’ve been there 8 months. I don’t know why this happens to me literally everywhere I go. every job, every school (except IUP somehow??), fucking everything. I just never feel like a true part of anything and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m not unfriendly. I don’t think I’m unapproachable. maybe I really just am that boring.

I’m just really tired of this. when she was out sick that one day last week, and I had to handle 13 straight hours of reception basically by myself, with some help from the office manager, I actually felt less tired than when she was there. I feel like I have to put on a face for her, like I have to pretend to be interested in whatever she’s going on about all day. I can’t say anything to her because she’s the lead receptionist, but it’s been getting on my nerves lately that I try to actually do work and she’s sitting there looking at memes, telling me she has to find this particular one of jason momoa so she can print it out have it at her desk because he’s just so attractive

I didn’t get a break yesterday, because our doctors were lagging so far behind and I had to keep the phones on. she left to go do something, and I was left to answer phones by myself. I almost didn’t get a break today either; there were still one or two clients left by 1pm and I couldn’t turn the phones over to the break message, and she had a thing to do with her car so she’d be back. I forget how I ended up mentioning that I didn’t get a break yesterday either and she was like “well that’s me the other times the doctors are behind. it’s your turn”. and while that is fair... one of the techs came up to talk to her after she’d left. she looked at me and was like, “where’s trish?” and I was like “... on break”. and she looked at me and I looked at her and she was like “...she’s been taking more breaks than any of us”. and I was like “yyyyep.” she goes out a few times during the day to have a cigarette too. usually when it’s quiet, but of course in the space of 10 minutes there’s a lot that can happen. often it does. thankfully today we had those last few clients out by 1:30 so I did get to clock out, and she let me stay off the clock until 2:30. but if the doctors were as behind today as they were yesterday, I’d have had no break today either.

we pretty much only ever talk about what she wants to talk about. she’s constantly interrupting me or talking over me, so I just let her talk. I’ve heard more about her wild sex life back in her 20s than I’d ever care to know. today she told a story three times (once to me, once to the head vet, and once to one of the techs) about how she can accurately guess a man’s dick size by the way he walks, and how she did this to some guy she dated in her early 20s and he was surprised by it. I don’t want to make things tense or awkward by saying I don’t want to talk about these things and I’d personally rather listen to music that keeps me calm and just quietly scan, fax, label, and attach things in between the periodic phone calls, but I can hardly get a word in edgewise anyway, so it’s mostly just me listening. she’s let me know in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t like rats and doesn’t think they’re cute; doesn’t want to see pictures of them, just.. nothing. I personally think that you can’t claim to love animals if you only love the ones you think are cute. but I don’t even know if she does. I couldn’t tell you why she’s working at a vet clinic. 

it’s fucking exhausting. it’d be exhausting with alexa too, I know that for a fact. I’m getting better at my job but I still need a supervising receptionist, so either way I’d have to deal with one of the two. I’m just glad it’s only 3 days a week, but even my 4 day weekends are flying by. the days are all blending together and I’m having a hard time getting my brain to work. none of this is easy. but it definitely doesn’t help to have to work with someone who’s so rigid about everything they do; like, I spend all fucking day listening to what you have to say and listening to every single song you want to listen to and watching every stupid video you think is funny (though some of them are; other times it’s like.. something reminded her of a veggie tales episode so now we have to watch it), and I can’t even play one song I like because you’ve listened to a split second of it and automatically think you don’t like it? the fuck, dude.

just.. the way she acts like she knows everything about the way people act, and how little tolerance she has for bullshit. I appreciate that second bit, but there’s other times when she really just has no sympathy and I feel like everything would be easier if she did. yesterday our one doctor was lagging really far behind and she was getting so annoyed because he had all this time for his appointments and people were having to wait and he never caught up all day; one of the clients ended up being one who was VERY particular about estimates and payments and shit and apparently he’d fucked something up after she had told him and the tech well ahead of time to be very careful with her. and she’d about had enough of him after that. by the end of the day he looked like he was either about to cry or had been crying. and he apologized to her for fucking up; I forget exactly what he said and she accepted his apology, but it almost seemed superficial. she had had it. the second she was done with her shit for the night she left. I stayed a few extra minutes to do something, but... like, even I could tell there was more to the story there. you don’t just lag all day for no reason, and especially not when you have to start the day on a euthanasia that wasn’t expected. I get that when you’ve worked with people for so many years you end up with a low tolerance for bullshit, but come on. I’ve been dealing with shitty people my whole life but I at least understand what it’s like to have a bad day. this particular doctor, a lottttt of the staff has a problem with, for many reasons. he’s only ever been nice to me, and I don’t know a lot of what goes on that annoys reception and the techs so much (often it’s some of his medical decisions, which... I wouldn’t know anything about that. how am I supposed to know what his rationale was for prescribing meloxidyl for a rhodesian ridgeback? the owner asked me for a refill and I requested it). so I guess some people’s patience runs low with him. but even so, I don’t think I could ever lack empathy that much. no matter how long I do this shit. I was tempted to ask him if he was okay, but I figured he had a lot on his plate to get to. he was there til like 10 last night, and his worklist was really long today too. I could tell he’s been on edge since last week. it’s not my business to know why, and I don’t have to. just be fucking nice to people, lmao

for someone who’s so picky about her music taste, she’s got no fucking right to talk about my eating. she won’t even venture outside the things she likes. she decides once that she doesn’t like something and that’s the end of it. so why is it suddenly a problem when I don’t want to try a variety of foods?

I’m just. really frustrated. I don’t want to have to vent about my coworkers but I’m not going to get through this easily. we don’t even know how long we’re going to have to do this. I found out today alexa’s husband is now in the hospital; they’re treating it like COVID and/or really bad pneumonia, but what the fuck does that mean for her team? for mine? did she bring germs to the clinic? is she going to have to quarantine along with her team? is my team going to have to run shit? I have no idea, and I only found out about this through facebook. I haven’t heard anything else from anyone. we do sanitize between teams so there’s a low risk of cross-contamination, but... we don’t get everything. there’s no way to.

I need to go to bed soon. I’m so glad tomorrow’s my friday. I’m ready for this week to be over.

[wolfwhiteflowers]

fandom wank..stans and forumz..#spoilers

i keep posting of these things. I guess I keep messing it up. We’re human. ok.

im just all fed up with it. im tired of it. but hey it’s hiatus and i think it’s fine for now. Just gotta ignore the fandom wank or those stans/twitter(seriously twitter is the worst place to see the wank). really i don’t need the fandom that much ukno. just do stuff I enjoy. Just be me. Nice shippers are still around. The crappy shippers/stans are a few and loud.

I think there’s something with the two forums going on...with the C0nnie spoilers and shippers. It’s really weird.

first of all, i know people saying they’re stans like it’s a super fan and positive way. But really stans of somethings/someone, those stans are so annoying. I don’t think stans are a good thing. Or people who generalize and single out things of their fave and then trash others..is not cool. Most “shipwars” are about the shippers/grudges on the shippers. I don’t understand why some stans treat their faves like gods when eh their human/fictional. I also feel like I don’t know this fan. It reminds me of the show Bones, when Brennan’s cousin (sis) identity was like all about what and who Benjamin Franklin is. Um yeah I ..gotta stay away from twitter.

Sharing is caring. No one said you have to be a fan of one ship or one character. Generalizing a group of shippers will not make peace; u gonna make more fights. Block the crappy immature ones. It’s a story. Characters grow, writers may fail or have something great in plan. It’s not a game; a character doesn’t win/out-fame the world. It’s an ensemble show/Hollywood business. Anyway I’m tired of people shitting others when they don’t know them really. Sigh ..it just sucks. I like C ship and R ship but I can’t interact/talk anyone cos not a lot of people are fan of both ships or fan/openminded/not shitting of everyone. (but I guess that’s how fandom works.) Funny thing on the forum, if I wanna talk about R ship, the shippers don’t wanna see it.. or something. They’re thinking like stans already. They’re all generalizing or so. Idk.  The haters going wtf and the whole “liking post” thing ..kinda like some popularity drama. It all goes awkward. I mean for me it’s awkward to see it and don’t wanna join along the discussion. There’s the whole hive mind thing going/generalizing. I stg (twitter) drama is so weird and immature. It’s like a gang fight but like it’s story and everyone’s get their focus. (seriously i was talking about R ship on the forum and hoping it goes well and the other R shipper(this person is always rude btw) assumes I was being a fake and sarcastic. That sucks. And some fans have really bad anger issues..like I worry about them as humans ..they need to let it go. You don’t have to argue..be fools. Sometimes my hopes for a story or a ship doesn’t always come out the way I wanted and I just deal with it and move on. )

ok so idk some R stans are like must be d-con shippers or think C shippers are all the bad things when sldkfjlsj it’s just dumb competitive fighting and vs. Just stop. Why are people always wanna a win an argument. (be cocky and play victim). ugh wtf. Seriously I see both sides of those shippers and these people all are similar in their beliefs/politics irl.  Anyway, so I just think don’t get to invested in fandom/friends. Everyone got a list of different ships. 

And I think forums are like easily to get upset at. Everyone’s reading ur comment, people tend to want to argue/debate every little thing, and mods like no that’s off topic go here. Ugh. lol So eh forums.. Anyway ..so I’m just saying if ya wanna vent go to twitter or tumblr. idk. 

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Anyway I noticed T$DF is ukno anti Carol/Caryl most of the time. Most antis go there. And there’s the zone forum which is very pro Caryl forum. It’s like T$DF is missing out the C fans of the fandom and therefore missing some info. It’s weird. So when we’re getting more info that LR isn’t in s10B that much, the fans from the zone or/and, others who are thinking logically,(like they want facts and spoilers and not being shippy/biased), were getting frustrated that T$DF isn’t really saying that C*nnie isn’t in 10B that much. Usually people would put her in the death watch as in 50/50 way. Rosita was already talked about and stuff because of the actress’s show, but not C0nnie? So in a way, it’s like T$DF is being in denial or biased. I guess it is but still nothing really confirmed about C0nnie’s fate, and the spoilery fans already know in their heads that it’s 50/50 with her fate. So when the other fans and Carol fans who are just wanting to bring C0nnie’s fate up (in a logical way I’m assuming) because ep 8 and 9 are coming soon and to warn others I guess, but T$DF and antis don’t wanna hear it and assume the other fans (mostly Carol fans out about) are being petty and bringing it up because of the D ship, etc. When it’s like T$DF are being emotional about it and like being in denial. Yeah I also think the fans discussing in the death thread..it’s gonna be a rough thread to read in no matter what. People are gonna speculate ur fave will die. But *some people who said it, doesn’t mean they think they WANT that character to die. Some people are thinking with facts and spoilers about it and speculating ur fave will die. But whatever, I guess it’s depends on the group on the forum and how everyone treat each other. I think some fans from T$DF, who are C0nnie fans, already got info in mind and so it’s up to them to decide what to do with it. I don’t wanna keep mentioning it or bringing drama. They already know what’s up so, ok.

For me, I want to know the spoilery facts and keep it logically. Rip the bandaid. Being in denial isn’t gonna be good in the long run and for the fans. 

BTW, C0nnie was like 70% dead (with the Zone’s spoiler) but now with that reviewer’s tweet hinting? at Bowl’s filming summary post, and T$DF can’t confirm(doesn’t know it) the spoiler that Zone had. I guess it’s stuck in 50/50. so ok whatever. 

I’m gotta say a character dying in the mid season is the worst, I realized. It’s easy to fall into that trap of hoping and wishing for the fave to make it out. I’m glad Carol isn’t part of this death theory so far. I guess forums tend to be biased because of like what the group is like. 

[irisbleufic]

I was hoping to get through the source of my current exhausted ruminations without venting, but I’ve realized there’s this class of thing that keeps happening to me with cis and/or non-ace partners specifically that kind of can’t go un-vented?

If you’re one of the past few cis/non-ace exes of mine, I’d advise you not to read this, because it’s not open to discussion.  Two of you, with whom I’m still friends, might well have done the thing without realizing it, but one of you (the straight and longest-term one) knew what you were doing.  It doesn’t change that I’m uneasily sure that the class of incident I’m about to discuss came from a place of cis and/or non-ace privilege in each instance.  I need to articulate this, and Tumblr is, unfortunately, my only avenue.

That said, exes, if you read this?  Please, please don’t try to discuss it with me.

(Also, if you’re some cis and/or non-ace rando who decides to try telling me my perspective on this is warped, I’ll bite your head off.  I give zero fucks.)

I’ve gone into my last three relationships with cis people (one straight, lasted just over ten years; one queer, lasted 4-5 months; another also queer, lasted just over a year) giving a shit-ton of caveats at the outset.  Stuff like: My sex drive will not be as high as you’re probably accustomed to and My body works a bit differently than you’d expect and Don’t be offended if I don’t always get off, because I’m not fussed at all.  I was saying these things even before I knew precisely what was up with my intersex status, because, hey, things that happen during sex for years on end are things you get accustomed to as things particular to you, regardless of the reason.  I didn’t know definitively until approximately 2012, because I lacked full medical data and workable terminology, that I was both intersex and grey-ace.

Understandably, when I finally had these terms at my disposal, giving people disclaimers somehow got both easier and harder.  On the one hand, they’d have info to Google.  On the other hand, I’d usually see subtle signs of worry.

But always, always, they’d say something like, “Oh, I don’t care about that” or “It doesn’t matter to me” or “Sex isn’t really that important, don’t worry.”

Funny how those things rarely seem to hold true in practice.  No matter how understanding or well-intentioned the partner, they almost always get frustrated and say something to me in the long run that they assume is okay to say. 

Funny how I’ve learned that words like the following are not ones I can hear from a partner and stay in the relationship with my emotional well-being intact:

You’re too androgynous.  Sorry, but I’m just not attracted to men.

Why does it take you so long sometimes?  It’s extremely frustrating.

You’re just...not naturally a very passionate person, are you?

I keep thinking about how I enjoyed things with past partners more.

What is it that made them so quick to wave off the warnings that I so conscientiously gave, but shouldn’t have had to frame as warnings?  I’m getting tired of needing, in a sense, to apologize for myself every time I get into a relationship with someone who’s cis, or has a high sex drive, or both.  The one time I stayed in one of those relationships for a long time (the first time it happened), it cost me so much that I hate to think about it.

I’m desperately weary of the kinds of reactions I get, too, when I remove myself from the relationship for my own well-being.  As if I’m being unreasonable, as if I should know those things they say out of frustration aren’t really meant?  

Here’s the trick about hearing that kind of stuff repeatedly: meaning accrues.

[technicolorfamiliar]

The Artist vs Social Media

I have been sharing my feelings about art and its ever-growing relationship to social media with a number of people recently. I wrote a bit about it here some months ago, but that was primarily focused on reactions to different types of art I was posting on different platforms. Without a doubt, it’s been something that’s given me pause for a while, and I have a suspicion I can’t be the only person that feels this way.

To be clear: this is not meant to be an attack on the people who enjoy and excel at being a creative on social media. It is purely an expression of my own frustration, a cry out to others who have struggled with the same issues, because I know I’m not alone.

First of all, my personal style just doesn’t compliment a successful social media presence, I’m such a fan of the long-format, in general. I don’t want anything in my life to be bite-sized, cropped, or condensed. I struggle to convey the concepts teeming in my heart in a limited number of characters and pixels. As I am evolving as an artist, I enjoy incorporating many layers of meaning, drawing on a multitude of sources for inspiration. Social media, for the most part, wants to condense, compartmentalize, limit. It’s short-format, lacks fluidity, and promotes shorter attention spans. It feels counterintuitive to the kind of art I love and the art I want to be making.

For as streamlined and easy as social media has made sharing artwork with the great big world out there, it’s also birthed a lot of additional anxiety and despair. At least that’s been my experience. Some people have taken to social media like ducks to water, they are thriving in an endless stream of posts and pictures and stories. But this particular artmaker finds the rise of social media more like an impossible mountain, and climbing it is a requirement.

I envy the artists and makers who have figured out how to hack social media in order to promote their work and their brand. These people make it look easy, like social media integration with one’s art practice is as simple as breathing. I understand how it is crucial now as any kind of artist to have a big social media presence. But despite that understanding, I still have a lot of issues with it.

I was in art school in the still relatively early days of Instagram. Facebook and Twitter were big, but I didn’t really ever get too deeply involved in either platform. For me, Facebook was mostly for staying in touch with friends and family back home. I didn’t even have a smart phone until some time after I graduated. The school I attended encouraged us to build a website, get a business card, but there was no way to prepare us for the expansion of these apps among others that would emerge later on. This is not a sorry attempt at an excuse for my complicated relationship with social media, because there are a lot of artists in their early 30s right now who are very clearly doing well in that arena.

Circa 2009 – 2011, using social media for networking was beginning to be a real thing to consider. Having a Facebook page and separate Instagram and Twitter accounts devoted to your craft in addition to your website and blog in order to reach all possible professional connections was increasingly important. And now, they are all absolutely essential. People think you must be kidding yourself if you’re making art and don’t have a social media presence. I’ve caught myself being judgmental of young artists who aren’t on social media. But then I’m reminded of my own issues with Facebook and Instagram and all the others and I think maybe I should shut my mouth.

—

That’s the background. The real thing I’m trying to say is this:

Social media is exhausting.

I hate it.

For all the good content being generated and shared on FB, IG, etc there are a thousand mentally and emotionally draining posts being shared by people who, by and large, aren’t on social media to promote their craft. And that’s fine, people should have a place to vent their frustrations, laugh at funny or un-funny memes, share recipes and cute animal videos, get 100+ validating reactions to their photos, post thoughts/criticisms/ideas too long for Twitter but too short for a blog…

But to expect an artist generating original content to compete with everything else being blasted on every social media platform is complete and utter unrealistic nonsense.

—

My big, huge, major beef with social media is the totally insane decision to stop having posts featured in chronological order on pretty much every major platform. This really hurts creative people who are trying to get exposure, share their work to the world (or at least their friends and followers), and requires them to generate even more content, or share the same post over and over again in the hopes that their painting or photo or video somehow makes it over all the other posts from everybody else that are only just so much noise. Trying to get noticed or share your work with likeminded creatives you don’t already know is like shouting in a canyon full of other people shouting, drowned out by all the other voices and the echoes of the voices.

But that’s not the only thing about social media that keeps me up at night.

There are people on social media who have become experts in making their lives look like perfect, magical journeys of self discovery and growth and good fortune. Seeing their perfectly composed, perfectly lit photos of what is supposedly their daily lives, their brunches, their cocktails, their pets, their clothes, their travels, their significant others, and whatever else makes me want to not even try. Why should I even bother to try to compete with that? Looking at those kinds of posts immediately makes me feel inferior because 1) I’m not living that theoretically beautiful, charmed life, and 2) I’m not generating masses of content like that of my own experience. I look at my weird little life and there’s hardly anything photo- or post-worthy, at least not on a daily basis, not enough to get above everyone else’s noise. When did having a social media presence become an art form in and of itself? One of my very close friends described social media as performance art, which is probably the best description of this phenomenon I’ve ever heard. I’m not saying it’s not hard work — in order to project this perfect life, you have to be a photographer, or at least know and/or have the money to pay for one, be a master of self-marketing, and you have to set aside the time in your day to make the posts (more on that in a bit). But as someone with at least half a brain, I know that the content being gobbled up by glowing, supportive friends and followers is only a version of reality.

I know I’m not the only one who feels utterly alienated by the “perfect lives” being presented on social media, and I know that it’s not most people’s intention to alienate their friends by posting gorgeous photographs and positive affirmations of their own journeys.

And yet, even just thinking about it is exhausting. It’s a destructive and deadly combination of self-loathing and self-doubt inspired by the vast majority of what I see on Facebook and Instagram with knowing full well that those feelings are totally unfounded since the posts are not a true reflection of reality. It doesn’t motivate me, it doesn’t inspire me to follow their lead, it doesn’t get my blood pumping. It just makes me tired.

—

By my nature, I am a relatively private person. I have no real desire to share my private life with strangers, and it’s a struggle for me to open up to acquaintances. I have a hard time talking about myself, my dreams and aspirations, my needs and wants with other people. I keep to myself, I have a small circle of close friends and family with whom I share things openly.

There’s nothing like the gut-wrenching feeling you get when you’re talking passionately about your art or your interests or your hopes for the future with someone and seeing the very moment their eyes glaze over with disinterest. It’s a special kind of soul-crushing dismissal that has lead me to live an introvert’s life. Because why, after all, would I share anything with people when that’s the reaction I often got in my youth when sharing with my peers?

The whole grand purpose of social media is to share. Share everything and share often. Artists who hold regular jobs and don’t have an abundance of free time or energy to devote to generating social media content on top of the art they’re already making need to find that magical balance. The Buzzfeed article about burnout that was circulating a few months ago touches on this a bit. Work + Art + Self Promotion. That’s always been the case for artists looking to make a profit off their work, but now it’s on a whole other level and puts creatives in direct competition with social media influencers and everyone else on FB, IG, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, etc. When I say time and energy, I mean the lack of energy I personally have after a working a job that already requires me to use my creativity, strategy, and organizational skills. When I get home or when I finish a job, I want to recharge so I can have the energy and motivation to actually sit in my studio and make new art. I struggle with budgeting out my time and energy for taking photos, writing cute little descriptions, thinking up clever hashtags, and setting timers to remind me when to post in order to get the most views.

I’m over-focused right now on making the art, in finding my voice as an illustrator, in re-vamping my portfolio and considering the future of my practice. I would need a personal assistant to run my social media accounts in an effective and professional way, and I don’t understand how other artists don’t have assistants. Or maybe they do. At the very least it would require me to have my phone in my hand far more than I already do, so another reason to keep it on me, especially in my studio while I’m in the zone, working, makes me feel gross.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Emma… you took all this time to write and edit this long blog post. Surely you could have used that time to work on content for your IG or FB accounts.” And you would be right. However, I’m in a place mentally and emotionally where I see the social media game, I understand it, but I just don’t want to play it. Not the way we’re all expected to if we want to get noticed. I’m not a performance artist, I’m not extroverted enough, my process doesn’t lend itself to this new gold standard of being an artist in the 21st century. Am I making big strides to change my process? Not really, because the very nature of social media feels inauthentic to me and the work I want to be making.

—

In the end… I don’t really know how to make social media work for me and my own journey as an artist. It would be great if there was some compromise, some middle path for people like me who are rubbed the wrong way by hashtags and stories and filters. Is there even a possibility for existing any other way as an artist today? Because everyone I know who creates any kind of art seems to have accepted and figured out the key to doing well on social media. It’s almost not even worth airing my grievances since I’m not willing to completely change and conform to something that does not feel right to me.

I’ll just keep plugging along as I have been until I figure it out. Or some kind souls who have been through a similar conundrum swoop in and offer their wisdom and insight.

[belphegor1982]

Got tagged by @kikabennet! 

when did you last sing to yourself?

Yesterday, since I’ve currently been awake for an hour and a half. Might have been either “Bonnie Portmore” or “Here’s a Health (To The Company)”. I’ve been putting a lot of shanties and pirates/sailing-related films soundtracks on to draw to (and hopefully write to) lately. (EDIT: Ooops - yep, wrote that yesterday around 11AM, so make that this afternoon; I hummed while I drew along with the first 3 Pirates of the Caribbean soundtracks. It’s so darn hummable.)

if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Who was the Man in the Iron Mask!? (I know better than to ask personal/family truths :S Besides, I’m curious.)

(putting the rest under a cut...)

what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Being able to speak (mostly) and read/write English fluently.

what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

When my mum was in the hospital with my newborn baby sister, my dad would take me see them, and before that we’d stop for ice cream and a ride on the merry-go-round. That’s what comes to mind when I read “first happy memory”.

if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I’d go see my family and friends who live far away a lot more, and eat a lot more of my favourite things.

do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

I don’t, really ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

describe a person close to your life in detail

The Best Beloved is tallish (1,77m - that’s… 5′10?), with dark brown hair, green eyes, skin that tans easily even in winter, and glasses. …and that’s as much detail as I’m comfortable putting.

do you feel you had a happy childhood?

On the whole, yes. Could’ve done without the bullying at school and the undermining of self-confidence at home, though.

when did you last cry in front of another person?

Don’t remember, so it must be at least a fortnight.

pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them

My dad, who used to sail with a compass. I don’t think he knows much about constellations, but he’s always willing to share memories, even if sometimes he doesn’t remember he’s told them multiple times.

would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Probably. I shouldn’t, though. Strangers being by definition strangers, you never know where that information is going and how it might be used (possibly against you).

when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

We both were tired and ended up going to bed around half past midnight, so no 3AM conversation, but my friend Sandrine last week.

if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

…I have no idea? I think I’d concentrate really hard on not dying :S

what is your opinion on brown eyes?

Why would it matter tho I have brown eyes and for the longest time I thought they were boring. It doesn’t help that brown hair and eyes are basically the default where I grew up/live. Then I grew up and moved on.

pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally

George Bernard Shaw’s “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” Life is complicated, all about balance between extremes and absolutes. Don’t trust people who tell you the world is grim and serious just because they are. And while getting the giggles at a funeral/wake is inappropriate, it doesn’t mean you’re heartless.

what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

Wait, What

what would you do with one billion dollars?

I’d keep half a dozen millions for me (car and house debts), my family and my friends, and give the rest to social services, healthcare, and public services in general.

are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

Ehhh… It’s complicated. I tend to hold grudges when I can remember why, but I rarely do something about it. On the whole I’m pretty “live and let live”.

would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Neither, really. I’m too soft for punk, but pastel’s not really my thing either.

how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain

I’m too much of a wuss to even consider getting either, but they look great on other people. When I get a spot on my tongue I wonder how people with a tongue piercing manage to keep it, though. It’s very distracting.

do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

As a rule, no, but if I work or if I’m invited somewhere I’ll throw on a bit of eyeliner and lipstick. (I should raid my makeup drawer, really, some of my lipstick cases are almost 20 years old and you should NOT do that.)

talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way

In high school I saw a psychologist (junior high was NOT a happy time and the bad stuff just overflowed at one point) and went to an outpatient clinic every Wednesday. They had lots of activities, like painting on silk, various art stuff, and a band, and I loved that band. I was one of the only ones who’d request songs to sing in English. The guitarist introduced me to the Beatles’ “Something”, which I didn’t know, and to this day when I hear this lovely song I think of that guy who had a great smile, a great sense of humour and a great moustache (think George Harrison on Let It Be) who helped me get better.

list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel

Not to brag, but back in my uni days I did go to a number of them - K’s Choice, Coldplay, King Khan And His Shrines, M, Tom McRae are among the ones I remember. And a couple months ago I went to a rock concert with three bands one after the other. I love live music, it feels amazing. It courses through my body, makes me grin like a maniac, and want to jump and flail around just to vent the excess energy. And all this without a single drop of beer! (can’t stand the stuff :P)

who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I’d love a letter from the national loto that says “here’s a giant check even though you haven’t scratched a ticket in years” :P More seriously, I LOVE receiving letters from my Internet friends.

do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I don’t really have a workspace. I have a desk, which has the desktop screen, keyboard, mouse/graphic tablet, and a whole lot of mess of papers, pens, boxes, and stuff. I can use either that desk or my laptop in my armchair.

what is your night time routine?

Finish watching the movie/tv show, look at Tumblr a bit (and/or stuff on the laptop, like TV Tropes), go to bed, read a bit on my Kindle, kiss the Best Beloved good night, switch off the lights, and try to sleep.

what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

Anything about my intimate life, thanks.

if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I experimented a bit with henna back in the day, but generally I just have haircuts (I have too little hair to risk harming it). I’d like some reddish highlights one day, though.

pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Eehhh... I’d rather stay at home and chill :P Okay, I’d take the Best Beloved and my friends Melody, Nico, Sandrine, and Aldric, and head to Marquèze. (wish their website had an English version, it’d be better.) It’s an ecomuseum about local life in the early 1800s/early 1900s, with preserved traditional houses and people showing skills like dyeing fabric, shepherding, making flour (there’s a watermill) and all sorts of cakes and bread and snacks, and an entire day isn’t too much to visit everything.

name three wishes and why you wish for them

I wish:

I had a decently-paying job from home,

my friend Sandrine’s mum were/will be all right (don’t ask),

we had the house extension built already

what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up

We didn’t have Halloween when I was growing up, it really only started to be a thing in earnest a decade or two ago. Although... One time when we lived in Bordeaux, the Best Beloved and I were invited to a housewarming party on Halloween, so people would wear costumes. I went as a witch, with a long black skirt, long-sleeve thing with black lace (-ish), long black and white wig, and of course black lipstick and lots of black around the eyes. The Best Beloved had made a cloak, a scythe of sorts with cardboard and foil, and had a scary death head mask on. We didn’t have a car and the friend lived in Saint-Médard (which is relevant), so we had to ask around the bus drivers for which bus went there.

So picture the two of us dressed as we were, mask and all, well after dark, asking around for the “S&M” bus. Yep :P (People stared at us during the ride, and unlike the Best Beloved, I didn’t have the luxury of a mask to hide my laughter...)

what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

The only time I got slightly tipsy I went a little pink and apparently talked a little louder than usual. I’ve never got drunk (too afraid of stomachache later) or high (it took my mum two heart attacks to quit smoking and I’m wondering if she hasn’t taken it up again, I can’t hold a cigarette, tobacco or otherwise).

what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Hurt people, probably. If I wouldn’t do it for ten dollars I wouldn’t do it for a million - if you agree to one or the other the rest is just haggling over price.

if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

I don’t think I have the right face shape for that - my face is too round, longer hair suits me better.

what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

I live 126 km (78 miles) from the nearest Starbucks, when I walk by one the queue is huge, and the prices are well beyond my range :> But I’d trust the Best Beloved. He’d still ask me, though.

what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Being happy and/or stress-free. Also the oncoming Papa Bear Awards nominations in a week and the Eurovision Song Context coming up in May :D

Tagging @radarsteddybear, @rose-of-pollux, @truxi-twice, @myrling-art, @iorvethscommando, and @toooldforthisbutstill! :o)

[janiedean]

It really sucks how judgmental you and some people in this fandom are of anyone who doesn't interpret the text the same way as you or who you deem as intellectually inferior to you. I agree with so many of your ideas about the characters, but I hate how high and mighty you are about those ideas. Someone isn't an idiot if they interpret Jon or Cersei differently than you.

......

lmao

okay anon, thing is: one thing is being high and mighty, one thing is telling you that you’re not reading the text.

like. I read yesterday someone being like ‘omg I read someone dared saying C. abused people and murdered someone before puberty HOW STUPID CAN PEOPLE BE’. it’s textual evidence that a) she molested tyrion sexually and that’s even without taking account my opinion re lann*ncest, b) that SHE KILLED MELARA WHEN THEY WERE TWELVE THROWING THE POOR GIRL DOWN A WELL, which means that whoever said it cannot fucking read the text because it’s black on white that she did both those things and refusing to accept it is Not Reading The Text. that’s not even text interpretation, that’s basic textual reading.

now: never mind cersei who gets a pass for about every fucking shit she pulls because she’s a woman, and don’t tell me she doesn’t because if she got as much shit about robert’s fifteen bastards that she ordered dead without even blinking as theon got for two kids that he’s felt guilty about since it happened then we could discuss it but she doesn’t and that’s not even the beginning of it. now: do you see me tagging my opinions? like, honestly, if I think something shitty about cersei, do you see me tagging it? I didn’t even tag the one time I ranted about the valonqar prophecy with her, I only tagged it with the prophecy/meta/the two characters I thought were the v. and the younger and more beautiful queen, because in the middle I said that imo cersei only cares for herself and I know ppl on her tag aren’t into reading that opinion. so: I didn’t tag it. now: how many people came in my inbox informing me my opinion of c. sucked, was biased and so on never mind lann*ncest never mind actually harassing me for it? well, enough that I had to shut down anon to avoid feeling like shit for two days about it. so like, I’m so high and mighty that I keep my opinions about people I don’t like untagged even if I think that the other side can’t read. but okay.

now, about jonc: listen, fact is, there’s exactly ten people in this fandom that I know of who give a shit about jonc period and three of them are fanartists who show up once in a while. like. exactly TEN. I made peace with the fact that no one gives a fuck about jonc, I 100% embraced that if I want content I have to do it myself, fine, whatever. but what I’m really getting sick of is that every goddamned fucking time I see the jonc tag updating (as in, five times each month if it’s a good month), it’s someone informing us of how selfish, pathetic, useless and dumb he is FOR THINGS THAT ALL OF THEIR FAVORITE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY DO ALL THE TIME and for which fandom at large praises them. or something about how him being in love with R is the most horribly pathetic thing that’s happened to adwd, or how he’s an idiot because he apparently hasn’t understood that aegon is fake because his eyes aren’t the same color as R’s when not even dany’s or viserys’s are, but no one says they aren’t targs for THAT now, do they? and sorry but reading that this dude would treat either rhaenys or jon snow like shit when this is canon:

Last night he'd dreamt of Stoney Sept again. Alone, with sword in hand, he ran from house to house, smashing down doors, racing up stairs, leaping from roof to roof, as his ears rang to the sound of distant bells. Deep bronze booms and silver chiming pounded through his skull, a maddening cacophony of noise that grew ever louder until it seemed as if his head would explode. Seventeen years had come and gone since the Battle of the Bells, yet the sound of bells ringing still tied a knot in his guts. 

Others might claim that the realm was lost when Prince Rhaegar fell to Robert's warhammer on the Trident, but the Battle of the Trident would never have been fought if the griffin had only slain the stag there in Stoney Sept. The bells tolled for all of us that day. For Aerys and his queen, for Elia of Dorne and her little daughter, for every true man and honest woman in the Seven Kingdoms. And for my silver prince.

now: it’s there black on white that he feels guilty for BOTH elia’s and rhaenys’s death, it’s not interpretation, it’s what is fucking written in there same as you can’t interpret that ned’s head got cut or cat’s last thought before she died was about ned loving her hair. so excuse me but I’m tired of going into a character who’s in my goddamned top ten and have to always, always run into people assuming he’s a pathetic selfish asshole (and the one time I tried to argue that there’s no way he’s *selfish*, maybe all the contrary to a pathological degree, the answer was basically ‘lol cannot hear you’ and not even a reblog but nvm that) rather than actual content because any of those people who have a obvious hateboner for jonc can’t just fucking tag it with *anti* jon connington. no, they have to use the character name and it’s never *content*, it’s just this drivel over and over again. and since I don’t do it with characters I don’t like, I’d appreciate if I could have the same courtesy spared for this asshole.

that said, the situation is that *one* single person (that I blocked but that’s apparently not enough for tumblr to spare me from seeing them on the tag) has asked that question to multiple blogs which all agree on jonc being shitty which means that it has popped up on the tag a whole lot in the last month and like....... if you don’t like that character why do you care so much, IDEK, but wow, I wrote one post, that I tagged with the character only, saying that ppl don’t bother to read his chapters (btw, one of the people who replied that he’d have been shitty to both jon and rhaenys was someone I ended up blocking because they were on the tag like ‘lololol grayscale I’m sure elia is laughing from the afterlife’ and when I told them it wasn’t funny and if they could avoid tagging that stuff I got told to fuck off but fine I guess, that was me being holier than thou I suppose...) which is true because they don’t, they only base their reading of jonc on that ONE line about elia which is a) obv. proof he’s jealous, b) way less bad than anything cersei and barristan think about her just to say two but lmao I don’t see them getting dragged for it, but everything else? what? two full chapters? do they exist? tyrion’s chapers? never knew them.

like.

anon, tbqh at this point if you wanna think I’m holier than thou just think that because while I like to think I’m not, if there is one thing I know I’m good at is text analysis (okay, last time I said I got two degrees based on text analysis I got told ‘ah okay so if she studies she’s obv. bragging so she knows nothing’ by someone whose main theory was robb stark is the unsung villain of these books but lol I mean having studied this counts for nothing, right???) and it irks me that in a fandom based on books/text analysis I have to read **meta** which is obviously made by people who haven’t read the text and then when given a counterargument ignore it. but even with that, do you see me engaging with it? nah. I can 100% assure you none of the people I would like to see out of the jonc tag actually go on the jonc tag nor follow me, so they will never know that I think their opinion is shit unless they go looking for it. and this because I might have engaged with at least two of them on the topic once - and nicely, not *judgmentally* - and no one gave a shit or reconsidered their stance, so like, excuse me if once per month I write a post on my own blog venting about how imo a character I like gets a shit treatment.

and for the love of god, anon, sorry, glad you like my opinions, but the fact that you’re coming at me assuming I am judgmental when I come from a fucking month and a half of people literally harassing me on anon over my fucking triple-tagged opinions on c/ersei and lann/incest and ignoring anything I said about how uncomfortable it was making me just because I happened to, in the most generous explanation, WRITE A META WHERE I C/P-ED CANON QUOTES WHERE C. WAS AWFUL TO J. WHEN IT CAME TO HIS DISABILITY which GRRM wrote, certainly not *me*, and it happened to get reblogged by asoiafuni, is really, really rich.

like, I tagged that shit to hell and back so people who aren’t interested in jb wouldn’t find it, I made sure to warn every time, I even tag anti-c/antijc posts so they don’t show up on mobile search in case ppl don’t have the anti tag blacklisted because I’m THAT invested into making sure other people can blacklist if they feel like it, but I can’t fucking say on my blog that I think some people in this fandom pull their meta out of their asses and haven’t even read the chapters of the character they’re supposed to discuss? like... really?

also, I’ll tell you a secret: I don’t remember 90% of what happened in dany’s adwd chapters and I don’t remember about 60% of what happened in her got-asos chapters. zero. now: do you see me meta-ing about dany and/or discuss her arc if not in extremely broad terms unless asked? no, because while I don’t particularly like her, I also don’t think it’d be fair for me to meta about her BECAUSE IF I DON’T REMEMBER HER CHAPTERS THEN I’D BE PULLING OPINIONS OUT OF MY ASS, and I don’t go judging anyone’s opinion re dany beyond the basics because mine is that her chapters are so boring I can’t even remember them. at most I’ll discuss the show version and I can swear to you that even if I’m not a fan or anything I’m still more lenient with her than about 90% of people who aren’t fans, and since I don’t pull meta out of my ass for people whose chapters I haven’t read, I would be extremely grateful of the rest of this fandom paid jon connington the same damn bloody effort, especially when he has TWO of them and hating on him that way is like... why would you, just ignore his fucking existence and let us ten ppl into him have a decent tag.

btw, the ONE time I dared say on a post that wasn’t tagged to hell and back to avoid people finding it ‘it’s kind of hypocritical that people fight themselves over bi!CHARACTER headcanons *because asoiaf doesn’t have lgbt POV CHARACTERS* when they ignore jonc exist and he actually is an lgbt pov character so maybe it’d be nice if they cared about the rep’, I got someone like WELL HE ISN’T LGBT REP ENOUGH, and on the other side I’ve had people actually giving me shit for liking him/writing him content because I’m straight so how do I dare writing a gay dude, and like, idk, since I can’t like him in peace in that sense, can the universe allow me to at least not see bullshit on the tag or is that too much to ask?

and to end this rant: anon, not to be that person, but fyi I’m hardly the person who dictates how the wind flies in this fandom unless we count maybe theon/robb fandom as a ship, my opinions aren’t nearly as popular as opinions belonging to ppl who imvho don’t read these books and that’s fine, I don’t particularly care beyond cultivating my garden as voltaire used to say and see if anyone else wants to come and see the flowers and in case they’re more than free to take some, but like...... the idea that me expressing an opinion about the fact that people in this fandom don’t use the same standards when judging characters and some haven’t read the book or forgot it and assume they know anyway is somehow being high and mighty when I also don’t tag that shit 99% of the time (with jonc I do it just because I know no one but me and ten other ppl goes on that tag) when there’s people in this fandom who outright deny what’s written black on white and actually literally harass you on anon for it when I can 100% swear to you that the only times I’ve gone on anon in my entire life were for a) memes that required being on anon, b) sending people headcanon requests, c) sending people I ALREADY KNEW and who KNEW IT WAS ME personal things that I didn’t want ppl to attach to me because I don’t owe 100% of my life history to tumblr dot com and I always put my face to my opinions.

like, glad you like my opinions, but honestly, if you think this is me being judgmental, fair enough but maybe I’m also tired of having to read stuff that’s based on not having fucking read the book.

thank you.

[seaoreos]

god I literally started makin a whole post and I left to do some music annnd tumblr ate it. Well here we go again

I really wish I could visit my friends. I really wish I could visit my fucking partner!! I’m glad I met them all when I did, but I sort of met them at the best time AND the worst time, didn’t i? Like, I’d be a total mess right now if I had never met them. I don’t even wanna know how I’d be doing. But travel is just not an option lol are you fucking insane. But Y’know, I still googled it, because maybe it would be better than a plane, even if it’s just a hypothetical. It would take 53 hours to drive to Cali. (Well a specific place there but) 4 days at the least. Everyone’s all over the place but that’s at least where a few people are around, and I could have the chance to see one or two more on the way. I won’t though. I fuckin won’t. Because of course I won’t

Like everyone is everywhere and I know it would still be hell if there wasn’t a pandemic, but… it’s just. A straight up impossibility right now. And it probably will be for a long time bc I have no confidence in many things! Namely Y’know the government and such. As always. All I can do is wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and

a few days ago, when I fell asleep again after briefly waking up and vaguely thinking about this through my sleepy brain, I dreamed of plane sounds. The loud, loud white noise of the engines. The little ding-dong sound of the intercom. The loud boom of the plane touching down a bit roughly. I’m kinda trying to stop myself from spiraling into other things to vent about here, but the phrase ‘if it’s the apocalypse I at least want it to be a good one’ is sure a fun thing to hear yourself say in your head. (Is even still ‘my’ head tbfh)

Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I think of going to visit them, or them coming to visit me. The golden scenario of them all coming up for a good, long stretch of time in the summer, getting to show them around, take them to the creek, the little fair, every place they want to go and that I know so well, that I get to show to them now. I think of helping someone run away from a shitty place in the dead of night. I think of ‘what would it be like if he was sleeping next to me and I was in his arms’ I think of being there, physically, right when someone needs me. I think of hearing their voice call my name from across the parking lot, the driveway, the airport, the night sky (quietly as can be managed), for the first time, to turn and see any one of them in person for the first time. ‘How much taller would they be in person?’ ‘What would they look like when they smiled?’ ‘they would get to meet my cat,’ ‘I’d be able to give them a hug,’ on and on and on. Over and over. My chest fucking aches. I want to cry, but I havn’t done that in forever, because my brain is not letting me. (This isn’t keeping me safe, asshole. You’re making it worse.) I haven’t felt myself for longer than maybe 3 seconds in months. Since before  thanksgiving, November, sometime like that. I wish it would just be clearer when I’m me and when I’m not. But that’s a whole separate issue!! My head is sooooooooooo funny and full of surprise mental eels.

I’m just so fucking tired of shit happening constantly and sticking around for way too long ajdjmfjfjf. I can’t even cry. God. Like maybe I WANN cry and break like I am so tired of literally not being ALLOWED TO, like I just CANNOT. Am I gonna have to do it myself bitch???? Nothing I try fucking helps. Not even betting on summer slowly coming is going to help me, isn’t it? I have a literally journal page written about experiencing dissociation while camping. Fucking camping. In the middle of summer. Will I always feel so damned far from reality and myself and my memories? The thought makes me want to. Well. It doesn’t matter because I really can’t or wouldn’t do anything serious. Hurting wouldn’t even help anywayssssssssssss oh boy I’m doing the titular ‘go to vent about one thing and then start venting about literally everything else!!!’

If anyone who fucking read this for some reason has literally any tips for breaking out of a long ass dissociation spell that aren’t like. ‘Hold an ice cube :)! Take deep breaths :)! Meditate :)! Do the 5 things list :)! Blast some tunes :)!’ Because I’ve tried I’ve fucking tried and nothing helps in any way long term at all, the second I stop focusing on being present and only that, the moment I wanna do things, it all comes back!! well then. Please do send them. I am fucking losing it. Swear to god if I (redacted) again I’m gonna lose it bc there is no reason!! No significant stressor (that I actively think about) except for the (redacted) and the dissociation ITSELF!!!! LIKE BITCH. BRAIN. YOU ARE NOT HELPING

[cutieodonoghue]

more than all the stars (epilogue)

summary: In a world full of soulmates, Emma Nolan doesn’t know who hers is. Enter Killian Jones, attempting to stop his brother from proposing to his soulmate, only to be thrown a curveball when he’s sent to spend Christmas on a farm with a bunch of strangers. (soulmate modern au)

rating: k+ (mild language, suggestive situations later on)

word count: ~5,900

catch up: read it all on tumblr here

also find on: ff.net, ao3

an: Here it is! The very very end! I am so thankful for all of you readers! You’ve made this last story one to remember with your kind words and encouragement. I hope you enjoy this overly fluffy epilogue as final closure to this sweet little verse.

I know it’s been super fast updating so it’s all done now and safe to binge for those who have been waiting it all out! haha

I love you all more than all the stars in the sky <3

epilogue

SIX MONTHS LATER

One of the best parts of the year is summer, where the sun sets later, the air is warm, and the stars shine their brightest. It’s made even better this year because Killian has a boat that they take out on the weekends.

 Emma sits on the porch steps of the farmhouse with Killian at her side one summer night while they watch Henry run around with Wilby in the grass in front of them.

 He’s two now, and with the age comes exploration of all sorts, keeping them on the edge at all times. She can hardly believe how fast he’s growing.

The sun hasn’t quite set yet, providing the scene a warm glow, made even warmer when Emma leans her head against Killian’s shoulder and wraps her hand around his well-toned arm.

 Killian turns slightly to kiss her head and she smiles softly because of the tenderness of the moment all collaborating in her chest to provide just the perfect feeling.

 It’s been a long six months since they decided to make a serious go at a relationship. Grueling, difficult, but exciting and beautiful just the same.

 Having barely known him when they decided to jump headfirst into this, it wasn’t as if she could immediately fall into his arms and believe that they’d be alright.

 He was gone a lot the first few weeks dealing with the business and getting things settled so he could work from here, and when he finally came to her again, she was afraid that they were fooling themselves. She pushed him away, but he came back time and again, relentlessly pursuing her in spite of the fear both of them feel.

 She’s proud of how far they’ve come in six months, though. Proud that she gets to have him and claim him as her own. Proud of the father he’s become for Henry. Proud of how hard he works to provide for them.

 “Do you want to go stargazing tonight?” he asks lowly. “Just the two of us?”

 Emma hums. It’s well overdue, and after a day like she’s had, she’s desperate for time away from the farmhouse.

 “Sure.”

 He kisses her head again and she gives her attention to her son, who slows down and plops down in the middle of the grass. Wilby, confused, pushes him with his nose.

 “Looks like he’s crashed.” Emma chuckles.

 “Dada,” Henry cries out.

 Killian sighs and Emma removes her hands from his arm as he says, “That’s my cue.”

 He hoists himself up off of the porch and she watches with a full heart as he moves toward the small boy.

 “You tired, buddy?” Killian asks. Henry holds his arms up in the air but makes no move to do more than that, so Killian has to squat down to grab him. He kisses Henry’s cheek. “Alright. Let’s get you inside then, my boy.”

 Emma stands up and watches them walk toward her, smiling softly. Wilby comes rushing up the steps first, followed by her boys. She opens the screen door leading inside, where her mother works diligently in the kitchen to clean up after dinner.

 “He all tired out?” she asks.

 “Mm,” Killian brushes a kiss against Henry’s forehead. “Say goodnight to Grandma, Henry.”

 Henry refuses to say anything, instead remaining firmly curled into him as if his life depends on it.

 Emma laughs softly. “Come on. Upstairs.”

 Together, they get Henry ready for bed, something Killian has become the complete master of.  The routine consists of a bath, which Henry usually likes a little too much but not tonight, followed by cuddles in bed as one of them reads him to sleep.

 Tonight, Killian sits at the foot of the bed with Wilby as Emma holds her son in her arms and flips through the pages of one of his favorite books. Henry dozes off fast tonight, tired from running around and playing with Wilby, which makes tucking him into bed easy too.

 Emma switches off the lights and turns to Killian, smiling a little. “You ready?”

 He flashes her a bright smile in return. “Aye. More than.”

 It really is the perfect night. Warm air, cool breeze, and the stars beginning to shine against the dark sky.

 They often go stargazing after dinner, sometimes with Henry in tow if he’s still wide awake and won’t fall asleep. It’s one of her favorite things to do with Killian, because he’s a total astronomy nerd.

 She holds his hand as they walk toward the pickup truck. She catches him looking at her and rolls her eyes, smiling as she asks, “What?”

 “You’re pretty.”

 No matter how serious they’ve gotten, or how long they’ve been together, it still makes her heart skip a beat when he does this kind of thing.

 Killian drives up past the house, through the path they’ve created driving out to what he claims is the best spot on the farm for stargazing, and as soon as they arrive, she climbs out of the truck before he can catch up with her.

 “It’s a lovely night for stargazing, isn’t it?” he asks, tilting his head back to look at the sky.

 He grabs a lantern from the truck bed so they’ll be able to see each other and flicks it on while Emma puts out the blanket.

 Emma flashes him an honest, slightly tired, smile. “Yeah.”

 Together, they lie down side-by-side, their hands entwined while they stare at the stars.

 She knows without even looking or thinking that they’re lying with their marks facing each other, like they always do without thought. She wonders if it’s something all soulmates do, or if it’s just a funny coincidence.

 “Where are our stars?” Emma asks. She turns her head to look at him and he chuckles.

 “Ah… they’re…” Killian searches the sky for a few seconds and then points, tracing the outline of the Cygnus. “Right here.” A slow smile spreads on his face. “Here we are.”

 Emma hums happily after she follows the pattern he makes with his fingers.

 Even though she stares at the stars, she thinks about him. He’s far, far more than she could’ve ever dreamed. It’s wonderful in just about every way. He challenges her, and she likes to think she challenges him too.

 It took a while for him to convince her to allow him to stay at the house, but after a few nights in the spring where she was sick with a flu while her parents were away for the weekend, she caved completely.

 She remembers how completely heroic he was staying up all night with her as if it were yesterday, holding her hair back and feeding her even when she didn’t want to eat.

 He’d had to watch Henry, too, something that she thinks must have brought them close. The entire night had been misery, but he made it better by just being there. She knew she loved him then, but had waited a lot longer to admit it.

 “What did you do today?” Emma asks, turning to look at him under the dim glow of their lantern light.

 He sighs. “Woke up very early.”

 She hums a laugh. “Yes. You definitely did.”

 When his alarm went off, she may have attempted to entice him to stay in bed by curling her leg over his, but she also may have fallen asleep before she could do any further enticing.

 “I helped your father in the barn,” Killian says, lifting their joined hands briefly, “then I went into town and worked on the shop. Called Liam. He’s told me he’s coming home soon.”

 “Oh, good,” Emma murmurs.

 She hasn’t heard from Elsa in a few days, probably because her time there is winding to an end and they have a lot of things they need to finalize.

 Killian smiles. “Aye. Hopefully when he’s back, we can get the shop opened up here.”

 He and his father have a mending relationship. Some days it’s good, but some days she listens to him vent for an hour about another ridiculous thing he said or did. Regardless, he’s been the most helpful in Killian’s plans of opening a shop in Storybrooke.

 Once or twice, he’s come into town just to see how things were going. She was able to meet him then, properly, and get a good feel for who he is. He seems interested in being in their lives moving forward, so she’s willing to put effort in with him, too.

 “What have you done today?” Killian asks after a few minutes lying there in silence.

 “I spent the whole day working on the mural,” Emma sighs heavily. “Whose idea was it to do this in the summer, again?”

 Killian laughs. Emma presses her hand over her eyes, and arches her back slightly as she stretches her muscles. She’s completely exhausted, as she is pretty much nightly lately.

 Mayor Mills had commissioned her to paint a mural on the wall beside the diner against the patio after seeing some of her work hanging up in the shop.

 It’s been about a month since she was given the task. Weeks of planning from sketches and mockups and canvases must have driven Killian up the wall, especially when it came time to choose colors for each figure in the mural. But he’s always supported her, no matter what he really thinks.

 “It’s incredible,” Killian tells her honestly, turning onto his side. He releases her hand after she turns toward him and settles his palm instead on her hip as he slides closer to her.

 Emma pulls her hand off of her face and smiles weakly at him. “It’s not even done.”

 “Darling, it’s going to be bloody magnificent when it’s done, but for now, it’s just incredible.”

 She laughs through her nose and with a slightly scratchy voice, she says, “Thanks, Killian.”

 “Everything you do is wonderful, Emma.”

 Leaning his forehead against hers, he breathes her in deeply. She curls her fingers inward gently and presses her hands against his chest. There’s something so special about being with him, the one she was made for, beneath the stars.

 After a few seconds lying like this, Killian clears his throat softly and leans away. He smiles at her. “Hey. I have… I’ve got something to talk to you about.”

 Emma frowns curiously as he shifts so he’s sitting upright. She follows his lead and sits up beside him.

 “Is it bad?”

 “No, no,” he shakes his head, laughing a little. “I mean, I hope not.”

 He takes a steadying breath. “Emma, I love you,” he says, “I spent a lot of my life without believing I could ever have a love like this, but when I met you, everything changed.”

 Realization hits her in a wave. He’s proposing.

 It isn’t as if she hadn’t seen this coming. Of course she has. They’re soulmates. They’re in love. But she’s surprised anyway, and she can hardly keep herself from containing the emotion that rises up inside of her.

 It’s so right. Being with him is so, so right.

 Emma smiles softly at him as he continues, “I know that we’re not perfect, and that there are things you’re still afraid of- I’m afraid of them too.” Her heart skips a heavy beat as tears well up in her eyes. “But there’s one thing that I want you to be certain of.”

 Bravely, he reaches into his pocket and removes a ring, confirming her suspicions and making her lower lip wobble. She keeps her eyes on him, wanting to hear the rest of what he has to say because this is a moment she never wants to forget.

 “I will always, always be by your side.” Killian promises, holding her watery gaze tight. “So, Emma Nolan, what do you say? Will you marry me?”

 She smiles wider and nods quickly. “Yes.”

 With a breath of relief, he takes her left hand and presses the ring down past her knuckle. Looking back up, he laughs breathlessly with her, and she eagerly grabs his face for a kiss.

 She presses her nose against his when they’re through, both of them out of breath in the best way.

 Her fingers curl at the nape of his neck and she whispers, “I love you more than all the stars in the sky, Killian Jones.”

 “And I, you.”

 ///

 Maybe the second best thing about the summer are the nights spent sitting out by the fire pit with the smoke giving the air a rich smell.

 Her parents like to sit opposite she and Killian on nights like these, after they’ve had dinner on the porch and Henry’s getting just a little sleepy. Her son rests in his grandfather’s arms, resting his cheek against his shoulder while he keeps a watchful eye on the crackling flame.

 Wilby sits on the ground beside Emma, his tail moving slowly back and forth as he takes a much-needed break from all of the excitement of the day.

 Emma, meanwhile, rests her head against Killian’s shoulder while he wraps an arm around her and holds her tight.

 Their engagement is still very much a blissful secret, something she’s delighted in for a little over a week now. She hadn’t wanted to tell her family because of the simple fact that they’re still living with them, knowing full well that her father will insist on them moving out the moment they make their announcement.

 “So, I have some news,” Killian says, shifting uncomfortably. “Ah… Emma and I, actually.”

 Her mother’s once quiet stare turns surprised and bright. “Oh?”

 Killian looks at Emma and she gives him a cautious look. He just smiles back at her as if everything has never been more right.

 “We’re engaged.” Killian says with a warm inflection to his tone, as warm as the fire that flickers between them and her parents.

 Emma smiles back at him and closes her eyes when he kisses her forehead. They turn back to her parents together and Emma holds up her left hand to show off the ring.

 “Oh!” her mother gasps. “Emma! Killian!” She smiles wobbily and clasps her hands together over her chest. “Engaged!”

 Emma laughs. “Yes. I know, it’s only been six months, but…” She looks up at her fiancé and searches his eyes. “It’s right.”

 He nods. “Aye. It most certainly is.”

 “That’s amazing!” her father beams at them. “I’m so happy for you both.”

 Emma’s mother comes over to them, effectively separating them while she embraces Killian and then Emma. She looks into Emma’s eyes after and she sees that they’ve become glassy with tears.

 “What did I tell you?”

 Emma shakes her head minutely. “You were right.”

 Her heart so full, Emma pulls her mother in for a tighter hug. She shuts her eyes and fills her lungs twice before letting go.

 “So we have a wedding to plan!” her mother says, setting herself back down across from them. “Do you want to have it anywhere special?”

 Emma takes Killian’s hand and sucks in a heavy breath. “Actually, I was kind of thinking we’d do it here. On the farm. Where we fell in love.”

 Killian applies pressure to her hand and she looks up at him with a smile. He smiles in turn, a gentle thing. “That sounds perfect, to be honest.”

 “Done and done,” her father says proudly. “We can have the reception in front of the house and the wedding itself out by those trees you like so much.”

 “I should see if I still have my wedding dress,” her mother says thoughtfully, “I think it’s in storage, but you’d look beautiful in it, Emma.”

 Her chest swells with happiness. “Yeah, okay.”

 She had not thought this would be the way things would go upon telling her parents about their engagement, but it makes her happy, because she knows they don’t disapprove of her relationship with Killian.

 “This morning on my way into town, I noticed a for sale sign on the land beside ours,” her father casually mentions, “it’s got a little farmhouse on it. I think the barn burned down a while back, but it’s a nice place.”

 And here it is, Emma thinks. She looks at Killian, who lifts his eyebrows at her father.

 “Oh, yeah? Hm.” He turns his attention to her. “Do you have any interest in owning a farm with me, Emma?”

 She laughs, closing her eyes as she punches his side playfully. “Only if you build me a barn so we can have animals.”

 “Deal.” Killian says with all seriousness.

 Emma tilts her head to the side. “Really?”

 “Well, we’re already pushing it living here,” Killian shrugs, “Henry should really have his own bedroom.”

 What he doesn’t say is that they should have their own, but he certainly tells her with the way his lips part and he drags his tongue against his lower lip.

 “You’re right,” Emma nods. “We should go take a look.”

 “Gold’s selling the property,” her father says, hoisting himself up out of his chair with a now sleeping boy in his arms. “He’ll probably give you a hassle, but if you remind him that he owes me for two summers ago, he might lessen up.”

 Emma narrows her eyes. “What happened two summers ago?”

 Her father gives them a wry look. “Nothing. It’s a really good story, but I have to put my grandson to bed. Put the fire out when you’re coming inside for the night.”

 She looks to her mother, who stands and grabs the blanket that she’d had on her lap before following her father.

 “I’m so happy for you,” she says giddily as she passes them by. “Congratulations again.”

 “Thanks.”

 ///

 As Emma prepares for bed, she ponders wedding details and comes to the horrible conclusion that if she wants to get married in the summer, either they’ll have to wait a year, or do it within the next few months.

 It’s not that she wants to rush it, but getting married sooner rather than later has its benefits, like not having to wait and being allowed the gift of calling her soulmate her husband within the next few weeks or months.

 She brushes her teeth and flosses, something she’s picked up since Killian’s started living with her. He insists that it’s crucial to dental hygiene and he’s always asking if she does it, so to appease his desire that she floss, she does, and in return, he makes the bed and folds their laundry.

 It’s basically like they are married, she muses after tossing the floss. She examines her teeth briefly and then sighs, meeting her eyes in the mirror.

 Tomorrow will be another long day at the mural.

 It’s almost finished, but she’s a perfectionist where it comes to this sort of thing, so she’ll probably take three more days to get it all the way done. Mayor Mills has been breathing down her neck about it, worried that it won’t be done in time for the big Summer Festival.

 Emma’s tank top rides upward after she leans down to collect her discarded clothes and she catches a brief glance at the bottom of her collection of unique spots.

 On a tiny smile, she decides to peel it back all the way so she can see it again.

 It’s identical to Killian’s. Sometimes, they lie together side-by-side, and press their spots together just to confirm that they’re indeed matches. She can remember the first time they did it vividly, because she couldn’t stop giggling and Killian was so gentle when he touched her side, as if she’d break.

 There’s a gentle tap against the bathroom door before it inches open and he steps inside. It’s too small for both of them, something they’d decided a long while ago, but she doesn’t mind it right now, because she’s thinking so fondly about him that she practically misses him.

 “Well, hello,” he murmurs lowly. “Fancy meeting you here.”

 He lifts his eyebrow at the sight of her exposed skin and his lips curl in a devilish smirk while he slides his palm against her side over her mark. His lips press against hers in an open-mouthed kiss and she sighs shakily when he moves his lips against her cheek down toward her ear.

 “Killian,” she sighs, “Henry is asleep in the next room.”

 His teeth nibble against her flesh and tug at her earlobe.

 “Some nights I curse this living situation,” he laments while resting his nose against her neck.

 Emma reaches behind his head and runs her fingers through his hair. She feels butterflies swell in her belly at his words and she hums.

 “We definitely need a house before we get married.”

 Killian hums. “We’ll look tomorrow.”

 She shakes her head. “Can’t tomorrow. Busy painting.”

 He kisses her jawline back to her lips, giving her a lingering moment of bliss before he pulls back.

 “We’ll look tomorrow,” he says again. “I don’t care if it’s thirty minutes of your lunch and you’re eating. We’re getting out of here because we’re not living here any longer than necessary.”

 Emma laughs and nods. “Okay. Let’s look tomorrow.” Nibbling on her lower lip, she lifts her eyebrow hesitantly, “How do you feel about getting married in September?”

 “This September?” he asks. She nods once. A smile spreads on his face. “Yeah. Let’s do it. September. The farm. Henry in a little bow tie.”

 She gets giddy at the thought. “And you and me slow dancing under the stars.”

 “Mm. The more I think about it, actually…” he moves in closer to her, all dark eyes and smolder. “Tomorrow I’m free.”

 She laughs. “You’re free, but I’m busy buying a house tomorrow.”

 “Oh, so you think we’ll find something.” Killian teases brightly.

 “Well, you’re determined.” Emma shrugs. “And when you’re determined, you get what you want.”

 He sighs, “I did get you.”

 With a softening gaze, she stares at him lovingly. “That you did.”

 ///

 She’s covered with paint spots and standing back to look at the mural as it is currently when Killian wraps his arms around her from behind, effectively startling her so she squeaks aloud.

 “Hey, beautiful.”

 Emma turns around to face him and smacks his chest. “You’re the worst.”

 “I am?” he asks, aghast. He looks down at Henry, who stands beside him. “Mummy thinks I’m the worst, lad.”

 Henry scrunches his nose up. “No!”

 Emma laughs softly, but eyes her fiancé. “What’s going on?”

 Killian taps his wrist. “We’re going to visit a property or two. Henry’s hungry, though, so…”

 “Right,” Emma nods. She squats down and holds out her arms. “C’mere, kiddo. You want a grilled cheese?”

 Henry nods and eagerly jumps into her arms. She stands upright again and turns to look at her handiwork. “What do you think, Henry? Is it good? It’s not done yet, but it will be soon.”

 Henry points his fingers at it and says, “Pwetty.”

 Emma hums. She kisses his cheek. “You’ve been talking to Daddy about it, haven’t you?”

 Meeting Killian’s eyes, he smirks back at her. “What? I think the boy just clearly has an eye for good art.”

 She nods. “Right.”

 Together, they go into the diner and order their food to-go at Killian’s urging. Apparently, they’re supposed to meet with the property owner of the place beside her parents’ within the next half hour.

 After climbing into Killian’s truck, Emma helps Henry with his food and then has a few onion rings.

 The path they take is the usual drive home, only when Killian reaches the farm gate, he keeps going. After a short distance, they come upon a for sale sign, and he takes a turn up a road she hasn’t driven before.

 It’s wooded, a treeline that she recognizes from the perimeter of her parents’ land, but the woods soon give way and reveal a generous and beautiful acreage. But in the middle of it all, the centerpiece, is a cute little house with big windows and a wrap-around porch.

 Emma sees a familiar car parked in the driveway, and a man stands outside, holding onto his cane while he faces the home.

 “Wow,” Emma says. “This is a lot of land.”

 “Aye,” Killian agrees, leaning forward to see more. He pulls the truck into a makeshift spot beside Gold’s car and stops the engine. He turns back to look at them. “You ready, love?”

 Emma smiles softly and sticks the rest of her food in the bag. She helps Henry out of his carseat and allows him to keep eating while she carries him outside.

 It’s even prettier than she’d thought staring at it from up close. The color of the house is a very soft yellow, with white trim, and the windows are all tall and wide, allowing sunlight to pour inside.

 She can imagine a little garden along the side. Maybe a bed of flowers in the front to welcome visitors.

 “Mr. Gold, thank you for meeting us,” Killian says in greeting.

 The man turns to them with a smile. “Mr. Jones. Ms. Nolan. I worried you would forget.”

 “No, no,” Killian assures him. “We’re in dire need of a place to live. Can we get a look inside? It’s gorgeous out here.”

 “Of course.” Gold says, nodding his head. He steps away from his vehicle and walks up the steps of the porch. Killian and Emma follow suit. “The house was built in the eighties, but it’s been kept up to date. You’ll notice newer appliances and the like. I’ll let you take a peek without me hovering around you. If you’ve got questions, let me know.”

 “Thanks so much.” Killian smiles back at the man.

 Emma flashes him a soft grin before following her fiancé into the home.

 It’s every bit as beautiful as she imagined it would be.

 The entryway is big enough for space for a little cubby storage system for them to keep their shoes and coats. She can practically feel them living here already and they’ve barely set foot in the place.

 It gives way to a staircase at the end and rooms to either side as they step inward. There’s an open air kitchen and dining area off of the living room, while on the opposite side of the house, a den is enclosed by white french doors.

 “This could be my home office,” Killian suggests offhandedly. “Or yours.”

 “We could share.” Emma teases.

 They both laugh and keep their spirits high as they climb up the stairs.

 Everywhere she looks, she can see a possibility for them living here. They could hang pictures on the walls and she could mark Henry’s heights as he grows older on one of the bathroom doorways.

 All of the bedrooms are upstairs- all four of them.

 “What would we do with four bedrooms?” Emma asks. “Two for guests?”

 Killian lifts a playful eyebrow. “Well, with our own bedroom and married life upon us, I think there’s a distinct possibility for children, don’t you?”

 She feels a blush in her cheeks, silly as it is, thinking that they’ll get to experience having children together and letting them grow here.

 Maybe the best part is their master bedroom, because it’s at least twice the size of the room they’re sleeping in at her parents house, and there’s plenty of light because there is a skylight in addition to the tall windows that look out on the property.

 “Oh, look, we could put the bed here and maybe we could see our stars.” Emma says, pointing up for a moment before grabbing back onto Henry’s leg where it rests on her hip.

 Killian, who had been peeking into the bathroom, steps out and looks up. “Now that would be something.”

 He moves to stand beside her and after having another look around the room, she stares at him, waiting for him to say something else.

 When he meets her gaze, he sighs. “Do you love this just as much as me or am I completely misreading your appraisal?”

 Emma laughs. “I do love it. It’s pretty perfect.”

 “Aye,” he nods. He looks at Henry briefly. “I could see us living here. Raising our family.”

 An excited feeling bubbles up inside of her as if she were five years old and about to attend a carnival. She can’t help herself from smiling nervously.

 “Are we going to buy the first house we’ve looked at?”

 Killian lifts a shoulder. “We’ll have to see what Gold says about the price, but… yes, pretty much.”

 She shakes her head. “Let’s do it.”

 “Yeah?” he asks, just as breathless as she is.

 “Yeah. I’m ready. Are you?”

 “More than.”

 ///

THREE MONTHS LATER

There is no tangible way to describe how happy she is. Standing beneath the stars, with the glow of the lantern lights, the bass throbbing in her chest as she smiles up at her husband and dances without rhyme or rhythm.

 He’s holding her son, who wears a little suit, minus the coat and bow tie because he’d gotten a little hot during the ceremony, and he giggles happily while they seem to dance in complete slow motion.

 Emma tries to memorize the happy creases by the sides of Killian’s eyes, and the way his laughter sounds when she takes Henry’s hands and swings them back and forth to the rhythm of the music.

 All around her, friends and family have joined them in celebration of their special day.

 Perfect doesn’t quite cover how wonderful everything was.

 After turning her gaze to the sky, she finds the familiar constellation, a Cygnus, and lowers her attention to her husband again.

 Emma settles her hand against Killian’s cheek and presses up onto her bare toes in the soft grass to kiss him soundly, her heart about to burst from her chest with joy.

 When she pulls back, she grabs at his bared arm, his sleeves rolled up past his elbows so that he now rocks the white dress shirt with brown suspenders look, something she adores.

 Their attention goes to Henry, just to kiss his cheeks and squeeze his fingers. They’re a family, all three of them. Somehow, they found each other. It’s a miracle she’s been silently thankful for this whole day.

 They find their seats when Henry tells them he wants to eat, and she helps with his grilled cheese. Glancing past her son, she finds Charlie sitting beside Liam and Brennan, laughing while they talk about something.

 It makes her heart swell.

 Hannah, her mother, and Nana, all gather together at another table. Hannah’s one of Emma’s bridesmaids, with Elsa being her Maid of Honor, something she’d taken so seriously.

 Currently, Elsa sits beside Henry, smiling at Emma when she meets her eyes.

 “Elsa, everything is so perfect,” Emma says. “Are you having a good night?”

 Elsa nods. “Yes. The most perfect.”

 She feels Killian beside her, his arm falling away from the small of her back. He leans in close and kisses her cheek.

 Before she knows it, he’s standing, tapping on his glass.

 “If I could have everyone’s attention, I’d appreciate it.”

 Everyone quiets down, turning their attention to her husband. Emma looks up at him, eyes slightly narrowed.

 He smiles, looking down at her after a moment. “I wanted to just thank everyone for being here today. It means a lot to us.”

 Emma nods in agreement.

 “Ah… I also wanted to talk a little bit about the nature of soulmates. I know, it’s a touchy subject, but… coming from a skeptic, I think I might have an interesting perspective on it.”

 Killian stares at her and Henry, his gaze softening. “When I was a teenager, I met someone who was my match. It was perfect in almost every way, up until the day she passed away six months after the fact.”

 A hush falls over the crowd, sadness having tinted his tone.

 “I didn’t believe I could fall in love after that. Not deeply. Not truly.” Killian shakes his head. “The idea of soulmates became as silly as a fairytale. I hated the idea of having a soulmate after what had happened. I thought she was it for me. Nothing could replace her in my heart.”

 Killian’s jaw clenches and he pauses. “Nine months ago, I came to Storybrooke trying to stop Liam from proposing to and ultimately marrying his soulmate, Elsa.”

 Some scattered laughter bounces up into the atmosphere.

 “Aye. Silly, isn’t it? Married within a few days of arriving to town.” Killian shakes his head. “I practically didn’t try at all.”

 Emma laughs this time, smiling up at him. He clears his throat.

 “But what I didn’t know, coming here, was that I’d end up having to stay on this very farm, with the Nolan’s during Christmas. All of us, jammed into this tiny farmhouse in the middle of winter.”

 He tosses a hand up at the house behind them and smiles. “They showed me something I’d never really had before: a family. They took me in as one of their own and never asked questions. Even gave me gifts on Christmas day.”

 He looks over at her parents, now standing together, arms around each other.

 “One of the first conversations I’d had with Emma was about the validity of soulmates. How neither of us believed in them. We both had our reasons. And I know we weren’t looking for love, not desperately, but… every time I looked at her, I had a feeling. It pulled at me until I’d speak to her, and even then it was never enough. I felt like I was home. Finally, after years of searching I didn’t have to keep looking because I’d found what everything in life had led me towards.

 “I’m finally home thanks to you, Emma.” Killian says softly. “You’re where I belong. Maybe that’s what a soulmate is; the place where your heart stops searching and just knows.”

 She feels tears in her eyes at the words and manages to smile up at him while she takes his free hand and squeezes his fingers.

 “So I’d like to invite us to raise a glass,” he says to everyone. “To soulmates.”

 ///

 Emma holds onto Killian tight and rests her cheek against his shoulder while he does the same, his breath in her ear and his arm around her waist.

 They’re slow dancing below the glow of the moon and the stars, with the grass in between her toes and her head spinning.

 Emma leans away from him a little and admires him, her fingers going from where they’d rested on his shoulder to move a strand of hair away from his forehead.

 “Did you know before you saw my mark?” she asks in a whisper.

 Her husband doesn’t skip a beat, his affectionate stare kind. “Aye. I knew when you were showing me how to clean cow manure.”  

 She can’t help herself from laughing, something that makes him chuckle warmly. She takes a breath and releases it heavily.

 “Really?”

 “I can’t go back now and change it and I wouldn’t.”

 Emma hums. Suddenly all she sees is their future, so bright and full of love, and she can’t wait to share it with him. Her best friend, her true love, her soulmate.

 “I love you. More than all the stars in the sky.” Emma says just loud enough for him to hear.

 His smile matches hers. “I love you more than all the stars in the sky.”

[punknerdmusings]

Broken

This is, uh... This is a vent fic. Enjoy, don’t, whatever. I’m going to have the same reaction I always do. So have and teen Author just trying to make it, y’know? there’s uhh,,, depression mention, suicide mention, lots of like... not feeling good enough, that last one is the only one that keeps cropping up. a brief reference to mental illness being a joke, not stated explictly though. decent amount of swearing. if there’s anything else, let me know, fic under the cut (like this is gonna get any reblogs, ha)

Author tapped on the keys of his keyboard, light enough that he didn’t register any input. He stared at the screen, hoping someone, anyone, would notice. Every little notification in the corner of the screen excited him only to be let down when it was just someone reblogging a random post he had found funny, or useful. Not his fic that he had, like always, poured time and effort into. He glanced at Discord, maybe he should message someone, see if they were interested in seeing it…

No. If anything, he’d probably annoy them more than anything else. He always did, after all, he was always too fucking needy. Even so, as time wore on and nobody deemed his fic good enough, to the point where it was lost in the constant stream of content, he fell into his familiar spiral.

“You’re not good enough. Just stop trying. You should just cut yourself off, nobody cares you dumb idiot.” He tried his hardest to not fall into this trap, but every goddamn time, he did. It made him want to scream or cry, do something, but he couldn’t. C’mon, if he couldn’t even cry when being cut off from the person who raised him, why would this be any different? He was an emotionless bastard and he knew it. He wished he could just… jump into a hole and never be seen again, or at the very least, cut himself off from all social connections and just… Start over.

His biggest problem, the thing stopping him from doing that, was that the sweet, sweet rush of dopamine he got from even the tiniest bit of interaction from his friends, (at least… when he wasn’t like this. He had often considered the possibility he was depressed, but considering he wasn’t suicidal, he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind.), that made him so. Fucking. Happy.

Of course, the more he learned about ADHD, the more he realized he was 100% fucked up. He had even recently learned about something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. And it was a joy to have, after all, every single one of his social issues stemmed from it!

Of course, he didn’t even have a proper diagnosis. His dad, as loving as he was, had a seriously fucked-up view on mental illness. “You can just work through it!” “Medication is unnecessary!” “You’re just lazy!”

That last one, spoken and unspoken, hurt the most. Author was, in a word, exhausted. Constantly exhausted. Who wouldn’t be, after fighting their brain day in and day out to just fucking focus for two fucking minutes and then you’ll be free. And on the days where he was too tired to fight, he got yelled at, for not doing what seemed like a simple task to others, but made him want to break down and cry every time he even thought about it.

And what made it so much worse is that people never really thought about how debilitating it was to have this disorder. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, as much as people would have you believe. He still couldn’t regulate his emotions, or rather, he buried them so deep, so long ago, that he was just drifting through the world, feeling detached from his emotions even as he felt them, to the point where he devalued, no, invalidated them. He was always told to suck it up, and, well, looks like he did. His broken brain just… couldn’t unsuck now.

Except now, it’s been… oh. Only a half hour. He screamed internally at himself, he was fucking stupid. He knew his sense of time was way fucked up, his internal clock permanently broken. But it didn’t stop him from feeling all too worthless. He started to wonder if his friends cared. Why would they care about a broken mess like him? They all had their own, much worse messes to deal with. Why would they care about his small (neverending tire) fire when they had their large (just as neverending forest) fire to deal with? He should just shut up. His words were never listened to anyways.

He sighed and closed Tumblr, finally tearing himself away… temporarily. Fifteen minutes later, he was obsessively checking his notifications, falling deeper and deeper into his hole. He started to wonder if he was really going to make it as a writer, or if he should just give up and pursue something more sensible, like becoming a doctor. People did say he was good in science. After all, if he couldn’t even handle it, how was he going to handle it when people ignored and even outright rejected his books?

He really was an idiot.

[bloodyberry]

Things have been rough lately. I’m in another depressive episode and I feel like this one is worse than the other recent ones I’ve had.

It feels longer and more intense.

Everyday I wake up and look at myself in the mirror and I’m reminded of how ugly and fat I am.

I look at my arms and see how gross it is covered in scars that I know will never leave.

Yet for some reason I still have such a strong urge to cut my body open to watch it bleed. I feel like I have a weird obsession with seeing my body bloodied and bruised. I don’t care much about the pain and sometimes I hate it. But I just enjoy looking at myself bleed or bruise.

I feel like if I began to starve myself I will look pretty. I know I won’t cause being skinnjer is not gonna fix my overbite and I feel like that’s what is making me so ugly. It gives me headaches and jaw pain too; isn’t making me ugly good enough?

Every time I have these episodes I always think about how I want to leave. I always think maybe it’d be best to drive somewhere far away and jump off a bridge. Maybe go deep into the woods and OD and die. I would like something quick though so I don’t end up regretting it while I’m dying haha. It kinda sucks cause I would prefer to die in a way where my body can’t be found so I can save my family from having to see that gross shit. But at the same time maybe they want the body for closure or some shit idk. I can’t really ask them lol

I remember back in high school I went as far as to write a lengthy suicide note on my phone but it was more just me venting and being mad at everyone and everything. I don’t think I would do that now. I might just write about how much I’m mad at myself. How I ruined my own life and missed so many opportunities to change things for the better. Maybe this has always been the better option for me yknow?

It kinda sucks my cousin killed himself before I got to do it first. Damn you asshole!! Now I would feel bad doing it so soon after you. I keep thinking how long would be long enough to wait but idk. Maybe it is better for me to disappear and leave no trace of a body so then they won’t know if I’m actually dead or not? Idk.

Wouldn’t it be funny if my suicide note was some obscure tumblr post? Would I write my note or just type it. Typing is easier cause I have carpal tunnel and writing would take too long. Plus my handwriting is messy as fuck.

I feel it will happen soon. When? I’m not sure. I’m an impulsive person. It’s gonna be something that happens on impulse as with everything else I do lol.

I wish I could tell you all of this. But it’s hard telling you things cause it’s hard talking to people in general. Plus I feel bad having you deal with my problems all the time. A small selfish part of me hopes you will read this and talk to me but I know you probably won’t. Not like talking to me will fix anything anyway. I feel like I am too broken so I should just get recycled. What am I even living for at this point? I have no dreams or aspirations. Not anymore at least. You deserve better than me. Someone who isn’t so broken and gross and fucked up. Someone who is actually motivated to do things and isn’t just a dead weight. Someone who can actually get out of bed in the morning so you can actually get to do things during the day lol.

Well. If you see this at some point then hi. Im gonna go to bed, I’m very tired.