#full of truly unhinged fucked up characters I LOVE IT

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Hm it's been a day of reading about how unhinged and delusional I am. *snort* Yes, thank you for noticing. I try really hard!! Zero regrets.

Anyway. I've been called delusional before. There was a time when my craziest fan theories were just little wee newborns! And now they're canon. I can sail this storm, too 💅 *Gets out a telescope and looks into the horizon.*

Let your freak flag fly, darlings. It's free promo for the show. Love the show? Then get it trending. Go nuts. Be queer. No, QUEER. In every way. Even if you're straight.

[shapelytimber]

Ok hear me out.......... wlw Wilhuff Tarkin and Orson Krennic-

the dynamic very much is unhinged creative vs rigid control freak in a context of evil bureaucracy- and personally the context is why I love to read stories with imperials jdjdkd nothing is more crack cocaine literature for me than to make drama in a space office filled with awful people

More flavor text and me trying to sell you on why this ship of two truly terrible people is great below vvv

For Krennic, lean more into the evil genius artist. She's been up for 46 hours straight drawing schematics, she's rambling about incomprehensible shit, her only meals have been cigarettes and energy drinks, she's so full of herself she might one day think she's god, she's gonna die by 60. She doesn't care much about the politics of the empire, but they don't bother her either. She works for the imperials because they have a lot funds to give to engineers willing to build them a battle station the size of a moon capable of blowing up planets. Before that she worked on a lot a architectures on imperial center/Coruscant.

The imperial uniforms are a bit boring- so I'm taking full advantage of the fact Krennic is more of an engineer/architect to tweak her uniform a bit (and the cape was already not respecting regulations sooooo) For Tarkin I'm keeping it tho, this woman won't be caught dead without it.

For Tarkin, lean less into the whole buff survivalist aspect- she very much was in her youth, but she *is* a 65 year old woman based on *Peter Cushing*, and has been in a very high and prestigious position within the empire for the past 20 years. She still as an extensive knowledge on how to survive in nature, and fight with her bare hands or a knife, but that doesn't come up very often in her line of work anymore. She still killed a space bear unharmed when she was like 17 tho. She hates chaos and developed the main philosophy that drove the empire to this day : to govern with fear and impose order. She is a bloodthirsty woman in her sixties, with a never ending hunger for power, currently cheating on her wife with a coworker she hates.

They both love the death star more than they tolerate each other, but they did end up bonding over plotting the demise of one coworker they couldn't stand and digging out rebel spies. Make no mistake tho, this is very much a love triangle/trouple between two women and a giant battle station.

In the end, Tarkin killed Krennic by shooting her from orbit with the death star, the project was finally finished, she didn't need her anymore and she might have gotten in the way of her control of the station.

Tarkin dies a few days later during the battle of Yavin, along the death star, not willing to back down in her moments of glory.

PS : a lot of this is inspired by the fic "Propagating structure" by oneinspats ! it's what made me like and understand this pairing, and is truly a great work of fiction. I really think this fic is a masterful work when it comes to expending the character of Krennic, and extrapolating on existing things. Exploring his more creative side, his passion for his work, his truly abysmal lifestyle, giving him a hatred of nature and a background as an architect on Coruscant. While also keeping his horrific aspects, like reading his internal (or external) monologues sometimes makes my skin crawl with how disgusting his ideas are and how deep they run, but making him an interesting and compelling protag for the story. While all of it is surrounded by this delicious dramatic irony, because we know that no matter how hard they try to scheme (or fuck), the death star will blow up and it's incredible.

[zepskies]

The Boys S4: Is it just me or...

Okay, anyone who knows me knows I love this show. And I don't mean to be overly critical, but...there's something missing for me in season 4. 🤔

Episode 4 brought me back in a bit more this week, but I have thoughts and just wanted to get them out. Which of course you don't have to agree with, if you so choose to dive below the cut. 😂

So here we go! Highlights and lowlights (and **spoilers**): ⤵️

Sorry in advance for my slightly stream of conscious-style thought process.

Lowlights (so far):

Kimiko x Frenchie: Violently pushing down something you built up for 2.75 seasons? Because "being more than that/family" can also be romantic? Why do you hate the fans, Kripke? 😂

The political "satire" is getting a bit old for me. A lot of the same jokes over and over. However, the problem of taking out Victoria Neuman is a very intriguing conundrum (and Bob Singer sweating over it while trying to keep supes out of the military/law enforcement is keeping me hooked).

THAT Rob scene: lmfao come on now. This was for gross shock value and nothing else. Even the exploding dick and Love Sausage in S3 served a narrative purpose. (But I enjoyed the footnote commentary while watching it on Prime: Rob B. apparently wants to remind everyone that he's a Shakespearean-trained actor. 🤣) I’m actually more disappointed that he didn’t have a more meaningful role in the show, because he really is a fantastic actor and I was looking forward to seeing what his character would bring. (Not that lmao.)

Overall, the season just feels...emptier than seasons 1-3? Maybe that has to do with the lack of Soldier Boy's gravitas as a new antagonist, and connecting the entire narrative and various conflicts of the season -- all while shedding light on the grisly past of Payback, Grace Mallory, and Stan Edgar. Stormfront also brought that ante up in season 2 in a similar way, all while shedding light on Vought's sordid history with the creation of Compound V.

We're missing the layers here in season 4. Now, this could just be because we haven't seen the full season yet as well, but that's what I see so far.

I think it also has to do with the odd dynamic the boys side is in right now. With Butcher on the fringe of the group, and the others splintered off on their own side plots, it feels like the supes' side of things are more...for lack of a better term, "unified" in the narrative.

Which I realize is probably to reverse parallel the state of each side in season 3. But it just feels "off" to me somehow, since we're supposed to be just as invested in the boys side lol.

Highlights:

Butcher and Ryan: Butcher's doing his best there now, and it soothes my heart.

Ryan's slowly seeing the consequences of his choice to join Homelander. In fact, I'm wondering where Ryan is in episode 4. Hiding in his room?

The Khan Worm that appears to be inside Butcher is both frightening and intriguing. I wonder if this is the key to saving his life? Or just another lovely side effect of taking V24 long term. 🐛

JDM (Joe) and Butcher: All their scenes were golden. And that subtle John Winchester reference? Being willing to train up his son to be a killer? Being able to grieve at his son's funeral, knowing he "saved the world?" *Chef's kiss* 🤌🏽

(And if Butcher or Joe end up being the one to break Soldier Boy out of his cryo coffin, my fangirl heart will freak TF out. 🤣)

The way that Homelander is noticing his age is fucking hilarious. Bet you wish you had that life longevity from your father/sperm donor, dont'cha? 😂

But also the way Homelander "confronted" his past in E4 had some truly WTF/Holy Shit™️ moments, in a good way. As in, I'm once again afraid of this unhinged psychopath--kind of way. 😅

A-Train continuing to struggle internally with the place he's fought so hard to keep in the Seven, versus recognizing the evil around him, his own complicity, wanting forgiveness from Hughie, and wanting a true connection with others (namely his family).

It's interesting that Hughie's mom is being brought back in at this time. And even MORE interesting that she seems to be the one who gave her ex-husband Compound V. Her story of why she left her family seemed so normal that I actually got a little suspicious of her. But now, even more so. 🤨

M.M. doing his fucking best. (Except for the way he suddenly had a change of heart about Butcher in E4. Not sure about that one.)

Tilda effing Swinton voicing Ambrosius. PLEASE. My Queen. 😭🤣🤣

I actually had more lowlights before I watched episode 4. There were some really interesting moments that literally had me gasping in shock (this time in a good way), more so than in the first 3 episodes. However, I still think seasons 1-3 were stronger from the get-go.

But even with my lingering reservations, now I'm actually more so looking forward to getting into the meat of the season in this second-half coming up. 👏🏽

[lurkingshan]

Random BL Superlatives: 2023 Edition

It's the end of the year and I'm feeling the need to give out some awards! We talk a lot about best show, best actors, best writing, best directing, blah blah but I gotta be honest, these are the categories that really spoke to me this year. In no particular order:

Best supporting garment: Porsche’s sweater, A Boss and A Babe

Did I create this entire list just to have an excuse to post about this sweater one more time? Maybe so.

Best performance despite a terrible wig: Daou, Love in Translation

This man managed to perform one of the hottest scenes of the year with that bowl cut monstrosity on his head. Respect must be paid.

Best new terminology: BGP, Bump Up Business

BUB gave us so many gifts, but I will always be most thankful for the business gay performance concept (BGP), a term that is highly relevant in discussions of the bl industry.

Best advice: "Unfuck it," Tien in La Pluie

It's not only the succinct phrasing, but also the delivery method.

Best ex who deserved better: Alan, Moonlight Chicken

Yes, I will be staying on the Alan apologist beat in 2024, thank you for asking.

Best unexpected needle drop: Wetter, The Eighth Sense

The moment this show captured my full attention.

Best WTF ending: The End of the World With You

You can probably still hear my scream of "WHAT" echoing in the hills. (Actual ending not pictured in case y'all decide to watch).

Best gut punch line: "Have you been well? Without me?", Our Dating Sim

Sure Shin Gi Tae, Lee Wan deserved it, but did I??

Best adorable child: Tane, Our Dining Table

Need I say more??

Best weapon: sparkle murder dust, Khun Chai

Truly the MVP of this show. I can't find an actual gif of the dust in action (too violent to be depicted) so enjoy these pretty men instead.

Best great character trapped in a bad show: Boston, Only Friends

My beloved, I will seek vengeance in your name.

Best use of music to fuck me up: Plumeria, I Feel You Linger in the Air

Cocktail and Tee Bundit, you know what you did!

Best meal: Chicken curry and cheese naan, What Did You Eat Yesterday?

Yes, this category is kind of a cheat so I can mention WDYEY on this list. And what about it!

Best unhinged energy: Nawin, Laws of Attraction

He may not have succeeded at stealing back his man but he certainly stole the show.

Best bl horror: Grand Guignol

I just need to make sure all you jbl fans know that this movie exists and that Issei fucked Mr Unlucky!!! IYKYK.

Best character comeback: Phupha, Our Skyy 2

From boring stoic love interest to actually compelling and kinda funny leading man! See what a little flirting with Pat Jindapat can do for you?!

[growling]

@alfiely-art splendid thank you for enabling my autism

Ok so background:

There's this city called Shinagawa City that's part of Zero's gamer regime where he forces everyone in all the cities to rp. This is called XG

The XG in Shinagawa City is that it functions like a company does, with all the residents as the employees, except for the president. Employees can only be appointed to the role of director at most if the president likes them. In order for the president to like you you have to bribe him with japanese sweets. Every week the president executes some guy he doesn't like.

Ichinose is the director, and part of the "Numbers" as #1, appointed by Zero. We don't really know the specifics but essentially, they're the rulers of each city and Zero recognizes them as potentially worthy of being his gamer buddies if genericprotagboy doesn't pass

Ichinose's personality is. so hard to describe in a manner that isn't just slander because he's specifically created to be as unlikeable as possible. He abuses his power, his employees, who he really hates and calls useless and incompetent every chance he gets, loves murder, incredibly self-absorbed and constantly has to assert his excellence in the most vain cartoon villain way possible and never stops mentioning how he's #1 appointed by Zero himself which basically means he's like a prettier jesus, mean to everyone he ever meets, actually really fucking stupid and unfunny with no positive qualities his life is worth nothing and he serves zero purpose and he sucks so much and I fucking hate Tribe Nine. He is created to have no depth whatsoever. Anyway he beat Zero in being my favourite Tribe Nine character and half of the reasons as to why I'm not even sure were even deliberate writing choices

Auuuurrghhh where do I start. Do I go in order or like what. I made an entire 12 page doc Ichinose Bible just for this sick evil twisted obsession specifically to help me with articulating anything and yet I have still failed. Alright we're going unhinged mode I had enough I'm making a third doc. I came back to this weeks later sorry my brain is fried now this might not be very comprehensible

Okay so this is very important for later: he is a terrible boss. Absolutely horrendous!!! Every interaction with him and his subordinates is them fucking up their goon work, him screaming at them, them having a mental breakdown and shitting themselves from fear, him still verbally abusing them for 12 more minutes then walking away very annoyed full of hatred for his useless fucking henchmen that he abhors because they're so sucks. They only listen to him because they're for some reason just so absolutely terrified of him, mostly that he's just gonna execute them (he does that often) but also mostly its kinda weird you know. They actually, truly, have NOTHING to gain from listening to him. There is no benefit for sticking around him. No this isn't a "lollll why don't they don't overthrow the bad guy if i was them i would simply not follow his orders" situation, they actually genuinely have zero solid reason to do everything he says and give him that amount of power. Also he just completely lacks awareness that what he's doing might be a wee mean and just genuinely thinks he's disciplining them in a normal way and that they're just overreacting specifically to piss him off. One time he goes off on a screaming session at his subs until one of them faints and all the other ones are shaking and crying in the middle of trying to recruit the protag team to also work under him and they're just Standing there all this time until one of them has to intervene and gently coax him into shutting the fuck up with her feminine wiles

Anyway I mentioned executions right. And the President. Ok so the President is actually not a human but rather just this iron maiden robot with the face of zero's canon fursona (long story) and floating hands and exclusively speaks in all caps. It does not move its just permanently standing there in the Execution Plaza. The Director position makes it so the President can only hear his voice (he can register visual input but can't hear other than Ichinose) so Ichinose's the only guy he can talk with. And ichinose is just absolutely constantly sucking up to that guy, talking to others about how Unbreakable their Special Bond is and how much the President would never ever replace him because they're besties and he's his favourite meanwhile the President does not give a single fuck about Ichinose. He only lets him do whatever he wants because Ichinose just keeps giving him sweets everyday so of course he likes him but not in any deeper way and has zero problem with turning on him the moment he's framed for eating that cake he always wanted. Oh and also when the President said earlier that whoever finds and gives him that cake will be made director Ichinose says "hahahaaa you're so funny babeee you're joking about making someone else director again. haha. you're doing that again" which is just sad. toxic doomed unrequited human x robot workplace situationship yaoi. Ichinose also loooooooves executing people its his favorite activity of the week every time he watches a guy die inside the President (yeagh they have to go inside the President) he gets such as kick he goes "bwahaha! heeheehee!" and then laughs about it for a full minute. He also sucks up to Zero a lot but that's for later

How he took control of the Shinagawa Tribe (part of his subordinates) is also pretty weird if you ask me. So when Zero first implemented the XG rules in Shinagawa nobody really cared and just kept doing their own thing except for Ichinose who immediately started meeting with the President and bribing him until he gained enough favor to be appointed director. Nobody still really cared except for him up until the executions started and they realized that It's Bad Actually. Shinagawa Tribe started also collecting bribes for the President and Ichinose just came up to them one by one and whispered in their ear "lol. your leader doesn't care about you as soon as he becomes director he's actually gonna kill you source dude trust me. give me all the bribes instead and work for me now. lmao" and that was literally enough for all of them to just take Ichinose's side and offer him all the items they had then watch their leader get executed. I guess he was just really that charming and intelligent huh,,,,

He kinda manipulates the president into letting him choose who gets executed instead, while it was originally supposed to be the president who does that. He also forbids anybody else from offering bribes to the president so that only he is favored and him and his men regularly rob and beat the hell out of people that try to do so also this exchange:

also i just. liked the moment where he just got in a car and fucking left. + he's so desperately trying to be soooo witty and funny and failing he's so embarrassing i want to boil him i actually hate him he wants to be cool so bad he's running that insult to the fucking ground he peaked at middle school im gonna skin him i will kill hi

Before getting to the Cake Incident, let's talk about how he always talks about being #1. He constantly points it out and reminds everyone about how he's "#1, as appointed by Zero himself" and wants everyone to remember that, he constantly mentions it even when it's not even related to what he's talking about he just hypes himself up. He thinks it's the coolest thing ever and the proof of his superiority and it obviously it means a lot to him it sure would be terrible if anyway let's talk about the Cake Incident

Anyway, the Cake Incident is that the protag group finds that really cool cake and and tries to offer it to the president but also it was all a trick because they replaced it with a sponge. Ichinose is about to steal that when his subordinate notices that it's unusually light but doesn't tell him that because he doesn't give her a chance to also it's Ichinose. President eats that and immediately does a 180 on his opinion of Ichinose and wants him dead and buried. (also when Ichinose gets stressed out about this he talks to himself like "Ugh… Stay calm, Ichinose Kazuma. At a time like this…" Ijust think that's cute lmao). When Ichinose tells the President that he was actually tricked it turns out the protag team got a SECOND trick which is I shit you not they fed him to Oi's AI and showed President an AI generated image of him absolutely throating that original cake and President gets so mad he fucking kills him and I just wanted to dwell a bit on how Ichinose is canonically a victim of AI sludge. Anyway before Ichinose fucking dies he says "Eeek!" and starts ugly crying before getting executed and then it's all officially over post ended Ichinose is no more the wicked bitch is dea

Anyway this is where we actually really get into this, I will only get more unhinged from this point, we gotten past just the intro to my hellish essay. Ichinose actually is not dead and just rips President apart from the inside and it is revealed that he can never die because he was a robot the entire fucking time and also his head fell off and he doesn't pick that up for his entire monologue. He was born and raised a human but when he became #1 he got to pick his reward and that was to turn into a robot so he can be immortal.

ok i came back where was i. oh yeah so while he was quote unquote "dead" the protag team was discussing on how to change society somewhat and came up with replacing the Shinagawa company XG with XB games. Ichinose does not want that, he thinks XB is stinky and barbaric and he really hates it for some never explained reason, like its personal or something, and while he begs Zero to pleaseeeee give him another chance it is instead decided that him and protag team are gonna have a baseball showdown and whoever wins makes the Shinagawa rules. He grumbles a bit on how much he hates it when Zero makes these kinda decisions on a whim and also ewwwww baseball but doesn't really have a choice so he goes and gets that bat

XB kinda functions like debate showdowns in DR or reasoning death matches in RC with the added element of throwing balls at each other with mechanisms I do not understand. Anyway the main debate in XB about Ichinose is first about whether it was his fault for losing XG or his subordinates', and the second is whether he is actually fit to be a leader. Anyway before they start, Ichinose gets really mad and screams at his goon #38 because he just now found out that she didn't report to him about the cool cake being too light and blames her for his downfall. He is livid about having been accused that actually it might be his fault and keeps on hurling deaths threats/promises until they finally get him to throw that damn ball already

It has become very quickly apparent that... he has little to no arguments. He does not know how to defend himself without sounding downright incoherent or contradicting himself, just going "ummmm nuh uh......" and doesn't even attempt at lies, either. He just lets himself be a laughing stock in front of all the other players and all he has to say about it is just yelling insults and telling them to shut up and stop being mean to him because he's literally neurodivergent and a minor. Anyway, his first defense against the argument that "maybe if you weren't verbally abusing all your employees 24/7 they'd be more comfortable telling you things" is "[quoting] Z-Zip it! You imbeciles can't possibly understand what it's like to be in charge! They're the ones to blame! I've done nothing wrong!"

Anyway he moves on with his second argument where he realizes (..... though it's more like, him grasping at random shit, because he seriously gives of the impression that even he does not believe half the things he's saying) that the reason that his subordinate didn't report the Nefarious Cake Suspicious Weight was because she was trying to purposefully humiliate him that bastard goon. In his words: "I can understand wanting to backstab me for being so perfect, but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed!" which is great man anyway, Oi says that's stupid and Ichinose says execute that harlot. He then goes off saying that the recipe for success is to inform report consult and if you can't do that then you're beyond incompetent etc etc, and Iroha makes a point that he just took that cake from his subordinate by force without letting her report anything anyway, and he actually doesn't have a counterargument because he knows she's right but will keep on doubling down no matter what even if that just speeds up his eat shit era.

Anyway Gotanda tells him he sucks balls as a boss, nothing we haven't heard before, Ichinose says something about him "not knowing the hardships of those who stand above others" how he's done nothing wrong and and how he isn't disposable like those people because he is the ~Chosen~ #1, which he repeats a lot, very often using how he's "chosen" or "special" as an argument but not elaborating further than that even when/especially if he's asked. What I want to point out is that Gotanda says to him that his subordinates are more competent that him, and Ichinose, while angered... has no comeback. Because he knows that's true even if he'll never admit it no matter how hard it'll fuck him over in the long run.

Actually I don't really have to describe the next scene much and it could be just pasted here pretty fine without additional notes from me, but I don't want to keep it out of the post either:

Gotanda mentions that he spoke to a former colleague of Ichinose once, and they mentioned that he was "incompetent and useless" so let's keep that in mind,

Then we get these lines:

And, let's pause for a few seconds. Why is he even being listened to? Following him gives virtually no benefits aside from, I guess "1% less chance of getting executed", but even then it's stated that being close to him doesn't really do much to save you from that. His takeover of Shinagawa Tribe is downright nonsensical, and yet, him just saying a few words to him about how their leader is enough to terrify them all into submission permanently. Why is everyone so constantly scared shitless of him no matter what. There is zero benefit to following him. The only fucking reason that many people could fall for his bullshit for that long of a time, is if he had some sort of aura like superpower that turns everyone who he ever comes in contact with fucking stupid for the plot to work

Anyway the actual explanation for why he is able to do all this is because he actually has some sort of aura like superpower that turns everyone he ever comes in contact with fucking stupid

No I'm not kidding. This is actually canon this is the truth behind this perplexing case .

So, just, out of the fucking blue, after not saying anything about it for the whole goddamn chapter, Q just casually mentions "oh yeah, that's probably because of the Ichinose Curse. Lol. Lmao, even" we literally never heard about anything like this shit prior to this moment halfway through the XB match nor are we aware of how the fuck did he obtain that information. According to Q, the "Ichinose Curse" is a power of Ichinose that renders all his subordinates in a state of mind control caused by their fear of him. Soooo......... essentially, how I understand this and how I think it's meant to be like, is that the more scared they are of Ichinose, the more susceptible they are to get mind controlled because of that. So, even if his comments towards Shinagawa Tribe members back then were not that effective, then getting even a little bit spooked back then was already causing some effects, which obviously would skyrocket once he executes their leader in front of them. So he does not have to be skilled in any sort of master manipulation, he just has to be intimidating enough. (also explains why the protags are not affected by it, because they're kind of tired of his shit and instead of being scared of him after seeing the manager's execution, they're just really angry instead)

Except. Here's the thing.

I don't think Ichinose fucking knows that himself.

There is NOTHING in the game indicating or even hinting of him being aware that he's literally controlling people, and not just "persuading" them as he puts it with his awesome #1 strats. Nothing. Not even after this information drop from Q - he is never confronted about it by the protags. Ever. For his remainder of appearances. Never do we get a moment where he goes "buwahahaha so you have realized..... my fuckshit forte........ what will you do now......" even though it seems obvious that it'll happen at some point. Nobody ever.... brings the "Ichinose Curse" up to Ichinose himself, ever, and neither does he. Like it's irrelevant to him, or, I'll say this. His actions do not make sense for someone who knows they have a mind controlling power. None of them. Ichinose literally has no fucking idea and genuinely thinks that he's persuading all his subordinates with his own skills and he's that perfect, and, at the same time, does not even get why he's being even listened to anyway if we go off of a quarter of his dialogue.

I was about to say how I got no idea how Q got hold of that fucking information when even the ability-bearer himself, Ichinose, does not have it, but, it actually does make...... kind of sense, if you go into theory territory for a bit? According to me, and this is what I'm sticking with as most plausible, Ichinose is not the only person who has had that ability - and the Ichinose Curse is actually the power of the Ichinose family, which it gets it's name from, and how Q could have gotten that information. If he got relatives that could mind control people, then no matter how obscure that fact might have been in Neo Tokyo, Q could have gotten a hold of it and connect the dots. It could also explain why he didn't say anything earlier; he had heard of some line of Ichinoses with that kind of power, but he wasn't sure if Ichinose Kazuma was from them, but after observing him for enough time it became obvious and that's why he said so only after confirming it during the XB match. That's what I'm believing. The other equally plausible possibility is that the writers sharted but I'm putting trust in them

Anyway, the protags kind of shift the subject of the match, from arguing whether it was Ichinose's or his subordinate's fault for losing XG, to discussing whether working for him has any benefits to prove he sucks to his subordinates so they'll leave him. Whatever I don't care about them

Ichinose keeps making nothingburger arguments and defenses such as "well I'm #1 which means I'm the most outstanding one and being used by the #1 itself is a benefit so checkmate liberals". Or like, more accurately, when confronted by anything he always just answers that, well, he's part of the NUMBERS, and nothing else. His justification for every single one of his actions is that he's #1, which automatically makes him superior and inherently more worthy than the rest ("I am the chosen #1. I'm not disposable like those incompetent fools.") -- whenever it comes up, he always pairs having that title with surely making him Chosen and Special, and gets very upset with the protag group for "not realizing [his] greatness". He rarely lists himself being the literal Director (and the de-facto President via his bribery shenanigans) of Shinagawa City as what makes him so special, and this position is what seems to actually give him some real power and not just a fancy title. What does being "#1" in particular even entail? Who knows, but he sure is holding onto it for dear life. It would be a shame if. Nevermind

Moving on. He keeps failing at dodging arguments just as miserably as before -- Upon presented with reality and actually believing it somewhat he rationalizes and justifies to himself that he's never to blame regardless of how much his arguments don't make sense, knows that he's in the wrong or at least can't reason against it, at least subconsciously, cannot defend himself and is visibly nervous, the usual, whatever. Until he gets one match with Todoroki, and, just says something that's just a really odd comment.

For context, Todoroki is one member of the Trash Tribe/protag team, who is distinctive for two things: being insanely rich, and a massive asshole. He constantly acts superior towards, insults and is nasty to everyone he ever meets for virtually no reason and has no redeeming qualities. Him and Ichinose never had any meaningful conversation with each other. Ichinose just... not only paid enough attention to Todoroki specifically to notice that despite being established several times that he does not care for anyone other than himself and does not acknowledge anyone else in the room, he also recognizes that this behavior is indeed, a dick move (cheers for self-awareness). And basically, just. Sounded like he just started projecting completely unprompted.

From this moment on, it is absolutely pointless to even list all the arguments you have with him as a separate thing, as he constantly just makes the same defenses because he has none. He literally has zero fucking counterargument aside from "nuh uh" or "ok well but have you considered I'm literally #1. which essentially makes me like a prettier Yomi and the winner of this argument" if I'm ever in court and my lawyer is Ichinose I'm killing myself.

Like. Look at this silly silly unserious man.

Anyway, Gotanda goes up to all his subordinates and tells them "believe in thyself.... go work for me instead......" so they'll snap out of the Ichinose Curse and it's not very effective. Ichinose tells him to leave his kittens alone and that he has trained them to 100% obey him and that special relationship will never fall apart which is funny cause I'm pretty sure I've heard that some time ago before and it ended with him inside an iron maiden. Anyway Gotanda calls out to Ichi's subordinates by their actual names and Ichinose is a bit taken aback cause he forgot they got names. Gotanda asks how the fuck do you not know the names of any of your subordinates and Ichinose goes that they all look the same anyway. Gotanda uses that and it is very effective this time, and literally every single Ichinose henchman just decides that he sucks and they all leave. No this doesn't mean the game's over Ichinose is just alone now it's like a 1v9 perhaps more I didn't count all the protags. Ichinose gets extremely pissy and his featured yellow-highlighted argument is "I am the best in Shinagawa! I don't need anyone's help!" which ermmm ackshually, no one offered to help you, and also when you got sucked into the iron maiden for a thousand deaths your second instinct was to yell for help so. Ratio

Anyway he actually gets asked what his basis for saying that #1 is superior and to provide a reliable source for that too and his answer is that it's because Zero said so. Thanks for clearing that up

Anyway not only did Gotanda talk to his former acquaintance who said that Ichinose was incompetent and useless, he also got a hold of his HR evaluation report and they also said he was "bottom-tier and completely useless". Everybody hated that guy and he had zero skills or strengths before he became the Director so his argument about being inherently excellent special superior and a "born winner" was him lying through his teeth literally every piece of power he had was given to him by someone else, that he did not work for, either.

Anyway, this one's fun. Gotanda asks Ichinose to list his strengths, and he just can't. He just goes "uhhhmmm umm well there are too many itd be a waste of time to list them all and if I said it then you'd cry at how cool I am. Wait a moment I'm still thinking. Uhhhghhnng. ummmm. Well there's just too much to say..." and only after direct prompting from Gotanda to hurry the fuck up and stop stalling he musters up something about having charisma which makes everyone follow him (they literally all left. also no one tell him about the mind control), which is a vaguely abstract nothing trait. In the next, separate scene he has made significant improvements in being able to list any of his positive qualities aside from his status, and says that he's also hot. Great job Ichinose you beat the loser allegations! Anyway next scene he loses at XB miserably it was great while it lasted.

(Before that Gotanda also tells him "your self-esteem is so outrageous I feel embarrassed just listening to you… I'm actually starting to doubt your sanity." but like. Hmmmmm is it really self-esteem. Is it. Does he ever sound like it is.)

Anyway he immediately goes "AAAHHHHHH". Zero appears and vaguely insults his capabilities, Ichinose spares no time begging him to pleaseeeeee give him a rematch he won't slip up next time just pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee give him another chance sobbing and shaking cutely and Zero says no. Well, he doesn't actually say no but......

Zero says that now is a good time to tell him, that, actually, he is #1 because he is weakest of all the Numbers, and that he is a loser and cringe and completely yaoiless and also sucks. He didn't tell him that all this time cause he felt sorry for him.

Immediately after:

I love. Rotating this bastard in my mind.

Being the "Chosen" and "Special" #1 is what he based his entire worth off until this moment, a proof of his superiority and what made him "not disposable" like other people like he said so earlier. He talks about it all the time, it is his main and only argument and justification for everything he does and he's holding onto it for dear life even if as it was shown through the game it really did not have any significance aside from being a fancy sounding title. He can hardly list any positive traits of himself that don't have to do with being #1 without stalling. He probably was a nobody before becoming #1, according to Gotanda people really just considered him incompetent and completely useless. Literally every piece of power he had was given to him by someone else, that he hardly even worked for, and both of those superiors (the President and Zero) did not give a shit about him, while he believed they had a "mega special & unbreakable bond". He constantly sucks up to the people above him, and it's especially pathetic with Zero. Ichinose clearly thought they had Something, according to him he was "the only person who acknowledged [him]", gave him his approval, that reveal must have done unspeakable things to his brain. And even then, despite it all, he STILL tries to appeal to Zero, literally begs him again for a rematch like he's seriously got no dignity left. And being #1 really was the only thing he had going for him, he's a coward with no skills, lacks awareness in most areas but surprisingly still retains some of it regarding him not being a competent leader, has no arguments in XB (or theyre incoherent or contradicting, doesn't even attempt at lies) for the cake not being his fault, and working for him having benefits, probably does not believe either not that deep down but keeps doubling down, when Gotanda says his subordinates are more competent than him he has no comeback. He literally has a special ability that he does not even know about (or is in denial, who knows) hes never had to work for being listened to, truly thinks that its his Excellence and Perfection that makes people obey him, with his own skills, also doesn't seem to really actually get why he's being listened to he knows it makes no sense. The fucking Todoroki scene projection 1000. And I'm gonna go even further and say that him picking immortality as a reward is just proving he does not think over anything and is only shallowly chasing more power and security, immortality is famously a standard superpower that people don't really think about as hard as they should before they say that they'd want it, it will dissapoint you not be fun and you'll suffer for eternity wishing that fuckass snail was real. This feels so good to finally fucking write down and post this man is driving me insane I don't even think 99% of all that shit was even intentional or intended to be taken as seriously as I do by the writers there is a permanent Ichinose shaped organ right inside my brain and I can't take it anymore I

And this is just. Painful to read. But I mean, let him cope I guess, it's not hurting anyone, let him believe it.............. It'll help him stay functional

Anyway, regarding the robot thing, to add even more salt to the injury, Zero admits that he built him as shittily as possible with the parts he just had on hand, no regard for quality or durability. When Ichinose suggests that he pleaseeeee give him a rematch, Zero says that he's looking forward to it, but, he hates to break it to him that it's probably the end for him. Ichinose's mildly confused and Zero explains that he has a battery that drains pretty quick when he does any strenuous exercise (which he did play a whole match of baseball just a bit ago). Like, it's literally running out right now and he'll turn off soon. Ichinose asks him to then please recharge him, or give him a new battery, and Zero says "No <3". After panicking for a few seconds Ichinose just. Turns off and stays like that probably forever. Gotanda literally said that they are going to make sure that he never wakes up and they just. Leave him there. Like that's the end

And with that, finally, I fucking did it. I wrote down the Ichinose manifesto. Please tell me I'm not alone in my obsessive fascination with Ichinose from the fucking shitty Tribe Nine gacha. Why is it a fucking gacha.

Some other notable certified Ichinose momence:

When he first appears Kuronaka thinks that he has a "relaxed expression", but, he's actually like notably the character (next to Q) with the most prominent stress lines under his eyes. And also literally nothing about Ichinose to me screams "relaxed" man's in the fucking trenches emotionally every second of his stupid baka life

"you normie" <- actual line he said

Robot built so shitty he still feels thirst. The moist eyes comment

I don't even know what is happening in this scene

Sometimes he just makes this slutty af pose for no reason

[dangermousie]

I was thinking why I spent the bulk of My Stand In wanting to strangle Ming and never did warm up to him from beginning to end and I genuinely love Huaien in MYATB and a small part of it is any emotion Huaien feels is directed solely for/at XB unlike Ming's obsession with boring Tong

BUT

That's not really it. It's because my reaction to behaviors/characters is setting-dependent. And my atittudes on them are strongly dependent on whether it's a period or modern setting.

I have a very different attitude to actions of a period era killer brought up in a feudal society where human life has no value and killing of a whole clan for kicks is a matter of course, and who's been brought up in a fucked up rebel/imperial family with nonstop abuse and a spoiled modern day dude.

I will accept a hell of a lot more murder/dubcon/noncon/unhingedness/red flag/you name it in a period setting. Because it just fits.

It's sort of like Fei Wo Si Cun novel adaptations - MLs of Goodbye My Princess, Siege in Fog and Too Late to Love You do some truly unhinged stuff but I can understand it more because they are a period royal or a 1930s warlord. The one ML in her adaptations I can't stand is the ML of Sealed With a Kiss. I hated his blackmailing/abusing/rapist self but in watching I realized if that story was set in eg the Wei Dynasty, I'd put up with his "daughter of people I want revenge on must pay for their wrongdoing so I force her to be my mistress and humiliate her and threaten her to give her to my friends and oh I am also married" shenanigans a lot better. I mean, I can't say he'd be a love's young dream under any circumstances but then neither is the murderous rapist ML of GMP and while I can't say I root for him, he is a mesmerizing character, tragic as much as repelling - a shark in a tank full of other sharks.

Like - the sole time Boys Over Flowers' ML's actions made sense was in Gong which basically transposed the whole thing into the Qing Dynasty.

Or think of Meatbun's CFC, which I ended up loathing. I'd still have issues with how the last third blew up the themes set up in the first 2/3, but MC's actions would be less repellent to me if it was a period setting.

It can all be summed up as - if a modern man murders people on the reg, believes women are inferior to men while married to ten of them at once, and owns slaves, he should be in jail for life. If he's a 10th century dude, he's just average warrior dude.

Ming is a modern dude, a spoiled kid of a rich family who's never lived in an extreme, death is a second away and the whole world is like this, society. I have different standards for him than a period dude.

[senualothbrok]

The adventures of Senua and the menace inside her brain

Senua: [relaxing and consuming creative content, after finishing a 60k fic about sentience/freedom, existentialism, mental illness/trauma, and the power of love]

Menace: Psst! Senua!

Senua: [ignores, happily eats haribo]

Menace: Hey! Hey, Senua!

Senua: Ughhh, you again. What now?

Menace: Why don't you write some smut? It's been a while, hasn't it? You've been horny as fuck for Gale, haven't you?

Senua: Because, Menace Inside My Brain, I'm tired...

Menace: Come on, you have some Gale smut in you. It'll be fun! You wanna fuck the wizard in fiction, right? And you know full well that you're not truly alive if you're not writing. Come on.

Senua: [sighs] Well, maybe, a short one... A quick Gale x reader drabble...

Menace: [pouts] No way. Come on. Push the boat out. Why don't you challenge yourself? Write some character development smut, where it's about the sex but not really about the sex, but about how the characters have grown and relate to each other. Something complicated and symbolic but hot and steamy at the same time. Your writing won't improve if you don't challenge yourself!

Senua: [vacillating] Well, I did want to write something about Gale and Aurora...

Menace: [claps] Exactly! And you know what else you should do? To challenge yourself even more?

Senua: [is steadily deflating] God damn it...

Menace: Why don't you centre the fic around a sexual position that you have very little experience of and personally dislike? Something that you'll have to do a ton of unhinged research about? Something that will mean you end up tearing your hair out writing and re-writing the fic just to get the mechanics to work. How about it?

Senua: [in a corner, rocking]

Menace: And here, why not try this on for size? Why not write it in Gale's perspective? So you have the added challenge of (a) writing about arousal and orgasm when you don't have a penis, and (b) trying to maintain the right pace and sexual tension alongside Gale's propensity for verbosity and fixation on details and facts? How about that?

IT DO BE LIKE THAT (I love writing, I love creating, everything is fine here nothing to see)

[saints-who-never-existed]

Blanky for the ask thingy? 🥺👉👈

Ask and you shall receive (eventually!)

First Impression

He was a touch too well-behaved and well-groomed in that first episode to grab me completely. Hadn't reached his full potential for dishevelment and badassery yet. Didn't take long after that for me to become absolutely ride-or-die for him though!

Impression Now

And I remain absolutely ride-or-die for him now!

I've come to understand the nuances of his character much more over time, I think.

The guilt arising from the role he played in getting the Expedition to where it ended up - in a physical, geographical sense they would not have penetrated as far as they did into the Arctic labyrinth without his knowledge.

The fear in him, too. What a traumatic experience walking out with Sir John Ross would have been for Blanky, let alone having to relive the memory and contemplate doing it all over again with only one leg.

And finally, his emotional intelligence, which I have already waxed somewhat lyrical about here.

Favourite Moment

Oh, his discovery of the Northwest Passage, for sure.

It couldn't have been anyone but Blanky on a practical level, for one thing. I don't know if anyone else could've read the ice and understood the significance of what they were seeing.

I also don't know that anyone else could've gotten as much unhinged joy from the sheer ridiculousness and irony of the situation either. The whole goal of the Expedition! Finally achieved! And it means absolutely fuck all!

Who else but Blanky could've met that situation head-on and laughed in the face of it?!

And finally, I don't think anyone but Blanky truly deserved to make that discovery. Not because he understood and RESPECTED the Arctic landscape better than anyone else (although that does count for something, I think, even for a Western invader). I think it's more about his act of sacrifice. In a practical sense, Blanky would not have been there to see what he saw without sacrificing his life and parting from the others. And in a more symbolic sense, I like to think the Arctic would not have revealed that secret to anyone who hadn't made such a sacrifice and given absolutely everything they had to give.

Idea for a Story

It's not as if we didn't see our fair share of it in canon, but I'd love to see Blanky and Crozier butt heads even more.

I can not envision, for example, a world where Blanky would approve of even a man like Hickey being flogged in the brutal way he was, regardless of his crime. You KNOW my sweet cheese Thomas would've had something to say about that bourach!

I also found myself thinking again about the final scene in E08 with Crozier, Blanky, and poor Little bleeding so profusely from his head wound. It pains me that we see no acknowledgement or concern from Crozier for his second's wellbeing and I'd like to see him called out for that too.

Basically, anyone having the opportunity to say "What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Francis?" is alright by me!

Unpopular Opinion

I don't know if this is unpopular necessarily but one thing I wish when it comes to Blanky is that we could have seen more of him outside of his friendship with Crozier.

I really do love that relationship, don't get me wrong!

But in thinking hard about the question below - favourite relationship - it suddenly struck me how few other options there really are. There are plenty of hints and tidbits - see below - but nothing as deep or explicit as what Blanky has with Crozier? And perhaps that's a missed opportunity...?

Favourite Relationship

With the previous question in mind, I'll go a slightly different route and mention a few Blanky relationships/potential relationships that I dearly wish we'd seen developed further and shown more explicitly on screen.

I like seeing the mutual respect grow between he and Fitzjames, for example, over the course of even that single scene in Episode Six. Absolute powerhouse performances from all involved.

I like his mentorship of wee Tom Hartnell too. I would love to have seen more of how that came about though knowing what I do about Blanky's extremely high level of empathy and emotional intelligence, it's not too difficult to imagine and infer how that would have gone.

And another relationship I feel is criminally underrated is actually between Blanky and Little. I like the way that Blanky has a clear knack for getting through to Little, for being firm with him without being unkind - we see it in E03 and again in E08 ("Which men? Were you one of them?"). Their shared exasperation at Crozier's bullshit in E05 delights me too.

Favourite Headcanon

I've rambled enough now so I'll finish with a straightforward and quite obvious one.

The headcanon that Blanky really is a huge fuckin' softy who's great with kids and animals. This is Blanky, to me:

Also I like to think that he beats even Sir John to the title of 'Ultimate Wife-Guy TM', that his wife Esther is even cooler than he is, and that Meera Syal could have played her.

[vaguely-concerned]

A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 1

Basically exactly what it says on the tin! I kept making notes while I was reading and somehow it grew into this sprawling monstrosity that had to be split into three parts haha. In short: I loved this book, 10/10 incredibly gay and full of yearning Garak is there the whole time would recommend. 

Quotes from the book in normal text, my reflections, reactions and self-indulgent bits in italics :) Please, please only click on that read-more if you're ready for some truly long-winded nonsense, I fear I have gone and been extremely myself about this and I can only beg your forbearance for it while I get it out of my system lol

Part 2, Part 3

- My dear Doctor:

Forgive my delay in responding to your kind communications. I wanted to give this modest chronicle I’ve enclosed a modicum of organization and update it before I sent it on to you. Thank you for your concern. I have thought of you often since our last meeting, and I am pleased to hear that your life on Deep Space 9 remains challenging and productive. Considering all the changes that have taken place I would have expected nothing less. And I’m certainly not surprised that your research proposals have been accepted. You’re a brilliant young scientist—even if you are genetically enhanced. As for my life here …

This is such a deceptively innocuous and normal-sounding beginning to what is about to be an extremely unnormal and unhinged thing to send a friend as a letter. He made it all of one paragraph of keeping it chill and I honestly think that’s pretty impressive all things considered. Thankfully Julian Bashir — who, let’s not forget, gave Jadzia his fucking diaries to read after much shorter acquaintanceship than what what we’re operating on here — is possibly the one person in the galaxy with the unhinged energy to take it.  

(‘I have thought of you often’ he says. And how., as we shall see)

- Yes—I’m afraid you weren’t expecting this response to your kind inquiry; it goes a bit further than “Greetings from Cardassia—Wish you were here.”

Fhksjdfhasdkj well. In spirit that is exactly what you’re saying tho garak fhdskjaas. It’s just that you’re also pathologically incapable of shutting the hell up and for this I love and treasure you. 

- So why Captain Sisko is so upset with me because I accomplished the goal (which he established!) of getting Romulus into the war against the Dominion baffles me. And it’s not because of the few lives that were sacrificed. Federation expansion has taken a toll in countless life-forms—about most of which they are blissfully unaware. The moment you step into a garden and begin to cultivate and prune, you become a killer. Perhaps the captain was upset because he had hesitated to do what was necessary to insure the integrity of his garden. Sentimentality is another trait that makes humans dangerous.

*Garak voice* Julian please tell me why your boss is so mad at me I literally solved all his problems for him. for which he’s wELCOME btw

Eyes open for recurring metaphors about gardeners, Tolan is haunting this narrative and it’s only polite to say hello whenever he shows up

- Indulge me, if you will; I need you as a witness.

Can I just say how fucking wild it is in terms of character development for Garak to openly admit he needs someone interpersonally. Incredibly fucked up that he writes both parts of this directly to Julian, though — both the part where he’s pretty sure he’s going to die trying to free Cardassia from the Dominion, and the ‘now’ timeline on post-war Cardassia where he seems to be dazedly coming to the realization that he might live, actually, and what that means to him. 

- As a child I would go to the Tarlak Sector with Father, and while he supervised his crews I’d play by myself amid the black-and-white angularity of the monuments, imagining myself a great gul or legate giving the funeral oration for a fallen comrade. 

Already we are starting to spot the thread, if you’ll excuse the expression, of why Garak might be Like That

I also came to admire Damar’s idealism, which led him to renounce his allegiance to the Dominion. If he had one weakness it was his propensity for long-winded speeches. But given the fact that none of us are perfect, the man would have made a fine leader.

As I stood at the memorial service, I thought about all the grand affairs I had witnessed here when I was a boy. None of our famed heroes and statesmen has ever had such a humble service—and none of them, from Tret Akleen on, deserved more than Corat Damar.

You are a species of long-winded speakers and Pythas Lok 

- Dr. Parmak, the unit leader, worked furiously to stabilize the little girl, and when she was evacuated by the transport unit he broke down. He’s a very good man, this Dr. Parmak; he reminds me of an older version of you, Doctor. 

Introducing Dr. Kelas Parmak, last seen in the then-noodle incident mentioned in The Die is Cast. Quite possibly the chillest person who has ever lived, considering he gets over the whole thing where Garak like tortured him pretty fast. (To be fair Garak DID say he was sorry. Between this case and Odo’s, that apparently goes a surprisingly long way lol) 

- But Garak, you’ll say, there’s no excuse for killing a defenseless woman. And there isn’t… unless you’ve been brought up in our system.

I love that he keeps a little Julian around in his head to talk to at all times. That’s one of the most freakishly intimate things in this whole book of freakish intimacy. Garak has a little Tain on one shoulder and a little Julian on the other shoulder and they have heated debates as to the validity of murder as a solution to any given problem that’s put before him

- I also thought about this Cardassian sense of duty and how it is largely responsible for bringing those of us who are left to these current circumstances. I asked Dr. Parmak how an entire people can come under the sway of this duty and blindly give allegiance to a state that goes mad and murders its own children.

“Poisonous pedagogy, Elim,” he replied. “We believe what we are taught.”

Poison/Disease contagion is a metaphor that will wind through this whole thing,and different people mean different things by it. Parmak means it about The Facism, which is the right one. You’ll be unsurprised to hear that Dukat Sr. has a rather different spin on it, and that he’s wrong! 

- But Tain at home was anything but mysterious. It was not unusual for Uncle Enabran to appear and take me away on some excursion that involved a long walk through a section of the city. During these walks he’d test my awareness, and challenge me to describe a house or a person we’d just passed. If I hadn’t been paying attention and couldn’t remember the details, the walk was over and we’d silently return home under the oppressive weight of his disapproval. He also seemed to know how I was performing at school, and if he wasn’t satisfied with my progress or behavior he’d punish me. I was a hard worker but I had a mischievous streak, and I enjoyed getting others involved in questionable activities and arranging it so they were found out and took the blame. On those rare occasions when I was caught, Tain would somehow find out and punish me—not for my misdeed, but for having been caught. And after he discovered my fear of small, dark spaces, his favorite punishment became keeping me in one until I had convinced him that I had analyzed and fully understood how my mischievous scheme had gone wrong. I found it odd that Mother and Father never had anything to say about these punishments.

. . . 

At first I thought I was in trouble, and my face must have reflected this fear because Father attempted to reassure me with a forced smile. But the uncharacteristic falsity of his behavior and his barely concealed agitation only made the situation worse. I had never seen him like this. Mother’s face was a mask; it revealed nothing. She spoke as if I needed to clean off the day’s work before we ate.

Garak treats him and Bashir ‘drifting apart’ the same way he describes his young self being trained by Tain to go over his ‘mistakes’ — what did I do wrong? You also see it (almost most heartbreakingly to me) from Tolan when he gets sharper out of worry at the end of the scene where the agent comes to take Garak away to the Bamarren Institute: 

I was stunned. I wanted to ask more, I wanted to ask about the dedication ceremony that afternoon, but I didn’t dare. Father had that look when one of the workers didn’t get it right the first time. But what had I done wrong? 

Oh buddy. He’s so fucking confused. The only thing you’ve done wrong yet is having been born with some connection to Enabran Tain, Elim, I’m so sorry

- We were the “missing pieces”—and in order to find our place in the mosaic of civilized society, we had to be broken down and reconstructed from the bottom up.

Keep your eyes open for ‘broken down and reconstructed’ too, it will be on the final test lol

- The good captain gave me one of his bemused stares.

Sisko ILU. He’s not in this book a lot so I’ll take the chance to say it here, because I do. 

- It was explained to us that until we became disciplined in our relations with the “complementary gender” we would make better progress this way. When I asked One Tarnal how we would learn this discipline without interaction between the sexes, he blinked and mumbled something about “distractions.” When I asked what that meant I was told that I had a loose mouth and given five days of hygiene-chamber maintenance as punishment.

“You don’t know enough to ask so many questions.”

Elim 'Genuinely & Guilelessly Too Deeply Pansexual To Be Able To Follow This Logic’ Garak

- Pythas/Eight descriptions because this is a bad mutual crush situation: 

- Unfortunately, the only student left was quiet Eight Lubak, who kept completely to himself. He agreed to accompany me and quickly moved to the door. He was short and slender, and his dark eyes and long lashes made him look younger than the rest of us. He was almost too delicate for a Cardassian. I was not encouraged … but I had no choice.

‘Dark eyes and long lashes’ huh lol

I started to follow him, but he made it clear that I should stay where I was and wait. All during this, Eight was quiet and controlled—and as sure of himself as if he’d done this many times. How did he know where he was going?

. . .

His face was dark, intense with concentration; his brow ridges, which were unusually pronounced, cast shadows over his eyes. My heart began to pound when I realized what Eight was planning. These were certain to be older students, but he expressed no hesitation, no doubt.

. . .

I didn’t know then if I could ever call Eight a friend. Something about him was strange and impenetrable. But it didn’t matter. At least I knew there was one person in my section I could trust. How I had misjudged him. It was obvious that Eight had what Cardassians call a ferocious spirit—and that I could learn a great deal from him.

. . .

Eight also came from a “service” family background, and it was soon clear to everyone that he should have been designated One Lubak, a fact not lost on the actual holder of that designation who, judging from his behavior and speech, came from the highest echelons of our society.

. . .

Five was an athlete who also did well in class. I could see that he was attracted to Eight. As indeed I was. 

Big round of applause for Andrew Robinson managing to sneak the skywritten subtext into the text like this, it’s an exceedingly rare gift to get to have from the media of this time 

. . .

But by then the group had passed. What murk? Me? Have all the others been captured? Surely not Eight. I couldn’t believe that was possible.

. . .

The only member of my group who performed as well in all areas was the taciturn Eight.

. . .

The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

. . .

Eight remained for a few more minutes. I had the feeling that he wanted to say something more to me. Suddenly he turned and disappeared behind a barrier. The air was filled with whatever went unsaid. He was as shy as anyone I had ever known.

The boys are being useless lesbians at each other omg……… what must this whole mess look like from Pythas’ POV tho. He’s been keeping an eye on his friend/crush so he doesn’t get himself killed by running his mouth off too much to the wrong person and before he knows it the guy is embroiled in an inadvisable bisexual sandwich of betrayal and savage intrigue. I wonder if anything would have been different if Garak and Pythas had managed to actually talk to each other here.   

- Eight was the only person who deserved number One as much as I did—maybe more. My solitary behavior was not always in service to the group. Eight and I exchanged encouraging looks. The support of my one constant friend was all I wanted. I sat there and shut out everything else.

*Garak whenever someone prefers Pythas over him* understandable honestly I’d do the same thing he’s the best have a nice day

End Pythas/Eight teen crush corner

- My mind wandered. I was sure that I heard sounds of the women students gusting with the winds. Suddenly mother materialized … she looked like she was apologizing. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, but her image dissolved and … Father took her place. I knew he was telling me something very important, but I was growing dizzy and afraid that I’d join Six on the ground … his words were carried away by the winds.

Suffering and agony

Some assorted 'Just assure me that I'm not going mad, Doctor'/Garak's ever-tenuous grip on his mental health moments:

-I don’t know why I wasn’t surprised that he knew. Instead, I was grateful; it told me I wasn’t going mad.

A recurring worry for him I’m sure it means nothing! I feel the same fellowship with him as I do with Harrow in The Locked Tomb series, which I’m sure says even less, don’t worry about it.  

And how do we even begin to rebuild a world that doesn’t exist anymore? A world that exists in my mind with the same arid bitterness as the dust in my mouth. I have never lived with despair, Doctor, the way I live with it now. It’s almost like a phantom companion that shadows me and casts doubt on whatever I do.

“Why save him?” it asks, as we remove a young boy from the rubble of a school. “You’re only keeping him alive for a future of privation and chaos. Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to join the burial unit?”

I want to scream at this phantom, to shut it up. Once I turned around suddenly and raised my hand to strike it. When I realized it wasn’t there, it was too late. Everyone in the unit was looking at me; I’m sure I must have looked like a madman. Dr. Parmak tried to send me home, but I refused—alone it’s even worse.

I’m just imagining Julian arriving on Cardassia like ‘hey yeah I got your letter and we should fuck about it right now but first of all have you told Parmak you’ve been having vivid hallucinations again because that’s very relevant medical information Garak!!!’ 

- But it was in the Pit and my work with Calyx that I suffered the most. My dreaming made me “an air man.”

“You have no grip, no focus. How can you find your strength if you can’t hold your place? Living in your dreams is like living in exile.”

*whisper* pls don't...

- As I tried to put faces on the shadowy children, they began to approach me. They became more distinct as they moved through the rain and haze. Can you believe it, Doctor? They weren’t my schoolmates; they were the Cardassian orphans from the Resettlement Center on Bajor we once visited. The orphans left after the Cardassian occupation forces withdrew. The same young girl was their leader and her lips formed the same question.

Have you come to take us home?

I jumped up. I felt the shed closing in, threatening to swallow me. I ran out into the rain and gloom.

“There is no home anymore! Can’t you see that? Look around you! It’s gone!” I screamed at them and fell to my knees in the sodden waste. They continued to stare back with that same look of fragile trust that I would somehow relieve them of their fear and bring them home. I couldn’t look at them anymore and dropped down into the muck. My despair was no longer just a voice; it was this monstrous world the evil had created, and it surrounded and overwhelmed me.

I don’t know how long I remained curled up in the mud. I felt myself being lifted and half carried, half dragged back into my shed. It was Dr. Parmak. He cleaned and changed me as best he could. He prepared a cup of Tarkalean tea, which made me think of you, Doctor. How ironic, another doctor pulls old Elim out of the muck of his despair, but this time he’s a Cardassian.

The fact that in the episode itself, Garak (in a haze of endorphins and practiced dissociation) is barely like ‘yes yes I’m sure we’re ALL very upset about the orphans. Or whatever. Well what do you want me to do about it Doctor it’s just the way of the world’ and then it just haunts him horrifically for the rest of his life forever and ever the end! Very on brand.  

Garak does seem to genuinely like and care for children in general, which makes my heart all weird and sad

Also Parmak making Tarkalean tea and Garak being like ‘oh. Like Julian :’(‘ about it my HEART. The fact that he’s a serial befriender of very patient kindhearted doctors willing to put up with his nonsense is probably the only reason he’s still alive lol. Thank u Parmak

- A difficult move under pressure against strong physical resistance from an opponent … and something would snap. A painful blow might set it off, a whispered insult, perhaps just a thought or a feeling of hopelessness, and I would suddenly lose control and lash out like a madman. I became suffused with a raging, crimson anger that poured out from some black hole somewhere deep inside me.

I feel like we see the outlines of this still in him by the time of the show — more tucked away and harnessed, but definitely still there. He’s got an instinctive Fight response a mile wide, it’s just that these days he mostly expresses it by becoming incredibly fucking MEAN when he feels threatened rather than outright physical attack. 

- And there was a soothing quality as it spoke of dry legal definitions. It acted as a balm for my bruises and bitterness. I began to feel such longings. It was like hearing music that you love when you least expect it. How I missed Mother, and working with Father in the flower beds. How I longed for home. I dropped my guard and surrendered to the voice. The tears I was determined never to shed accompanied choking waves of shame and relief, sadness and joy. I finally was able to admit to myself how unhappy I was.

*me with my magnifying glass studying the Palandine/Bashir parallels* listening to Bashir talk about Federation nonsense things presumably fills much the same niche in Garak’s psyche as this haha

- “I assure you, I am not in the habit of attacking people I don’t know in public places. We got our feet tangled in the crush, and he went down—just as, moments before, I nearly wiped out the scent display when he ignored the fact that I was standing in his path. I trust he’s not hurt.”

“I expect more from you, Garak,” Odo lectured. “We’re all under a great deal of strain.”

“As am I, Constable. Please, sit down at least. I feel like a schoolboy being disciplined by the docent.”

Odo sighed and awkwardly perched on the barstool next to mine. 

Their dynamic is. Everything to me. Also we learn later that the guy Garak picks a fight with here because he’s upset Julian is hanging out with Miles (lmao oh… buddy) isn’t just anyone or on impulse, but is one of the most hostile-to-Garaks Bajorans on the entire station with a small gang behind him, and Garak knows exactly who he is. Which lends it a certain… something. Almost an edge of very roundabout self-harm.  

“I can’t stay long. I have to finish dealing with this …”

“ … situation,” I finished. “You’re very fortunate, Odo.”

“How so?” he asked.

“These people have come to trust you. They rely upon you. You’ve made a real connection here.”

Odo merely grunted. I was careful not to mention Major Kira, knowing how reserved he was on the subject.

“Do you still want to go home?” I asked.

The question startled Odo, and for a moment the mask of official reserve dropped from his face. This was the first time I had brought up the subject since his admission to me during the “interrogation” in the Romulan warbird and Tain’s ill-fated attempt to destroy the Founders’ homeworld.

“ I … can’t say,” he replied ambiguously.

“Well, I can. There’s certainly nothing here to keep me.”

“I never told you how sorry I was about Ziyal’s death.” Odo could be quite sensitive in such matters.

“You did, actually,” I nodded. “But thank you.”

“Still, you and Dr. Bashir have created a strong bond.”

“Not really,” I answered quickly. “I’m afraid that what I have to offer has run its course. It’s certainly no match for darts.” I heard the bitterness of my tone, and so did Odo. We sat in silence for a moment.

“I understand you’ll be involved in the invasion. You must be pleased.” Odo steered us away from the heaviness that had descended.

. . . 

“When do you want to schedule your consultation?” I asked. Odo—no doubt influenced by his budding relationship with the Major—was about to branch out sartorially. But it occurred to me that Quark was the last person he wanted to know about it.

“We’ll talk,” he replied, nodding to Quark as he briskly marched back to the Promenade.

AHdorable all around. Hilarious that Odo picked up on trouble in human/lizard paradise and, with the vigor of a person who has freshly had love work out for them for the first time, going ‘not on my fucking watch you’ll talk to each other if it’s the last thing I do’. Also the sheer readiness with which he expects Julian to be Garak’s safe place. What on earth does this relationship look like to outside observers. Especially to Odo, practiced observer of humanoid folly, who completely nails Garak’s whole deal in Improbable Cause to the point that Garak lashes out defensively over it.   

- My solitary confinement was agony. The only way I got through it was to rethink all my attitudes about the Pit and the Wilderness and to focus on how I could make my stratagems more effective. Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?

Going through the whole book it is so stunningly awful that this IS the logic his inner world is shaped around for the vast majority of his life, right up until the ‘present’ part of the storyline where it’s being slowly deconstructed and reassembled. 

- I apologized to the others for disrupting their family; I explained that I had great need of this creature. Not only was Mila (as I eventually called him) the answer to my current problem, he was as important as any of the docents at Bamarren, with the possible exception of Calyx.

;_______________________________________________________________; there’s no part of this that isn’t crushing

Unlike the last time, I had preparation and an ally.

Tain really had to work at deadening Garak’s ability to form loyalty to anything else but him, because left to his own devices and natural instinct Garak will clearly packbond with ANYTHING. He’s so desperate to belong to someone and be loyal to them. 

- As the sun came up, the otherworldly beauty of the Wilderness was gradually revealed by each succeeding gradation of light. I was deeply moved by the presence of so much color in what had initially looked like a dead world to me. Beginning with a cold pale gray, the dawn flowed through a range of blues and into the softest rose and pink and then to a hot red that soon gave way to the merciless bleached bone-white of midday. I was able to see how much territory I had covered the previous night.

Can I just say how unspeakably tender it is that he takes the time to write this out in this. It serves literally no purpose in this narrative but sentiment — to be beautiful. He saw something beautiful once that moved him and he wants to share it with someone. What the fuck. 

- I became increasingly concerned; the sun was getting higher, and the overhanging ledge was now my last source of shade. At one point I took Mila out of his wrapping to check on his condition. At least that’s what I told myself. I was afraid that if I was honest and admitted that the real reason was to solicit help from a regnar, the slide into total insanity would be swift and sure. I was getting desperate.

The funniest and saddest thing I’ve ever read fhdskjfas emotional support regnar that he names after his fucking MUM hours. There are things going on with Garak no psychologist could ever hope to get to the bottom of 

- Three more members of the Furtan group were on the other side of the rock formation, but Mila had found a hidden depression that required some quiet digging to get into, and we avoided detection. We settled in and resealed the opening with sand and loose rocks. After an indeterminate period, the Furtan hunters left. As we waited for nightfall I fell into a deep sleep. 

BB!Elim and regnar Mila like ‘OUR secret hiding spot’. (Seeing how much garak both craves and thrives on getting to have that sense of ‘we’ and fellowship tho. And knowing that’s going to be not only deliberately kept from him but made psychologically impossible for him for a very long time. We should bring Tain back to life so we can kill him again and more painfully actually. Mercymorn acid jail for a thousand years time.)

- While I understood that I would have to watch my step with One Charaban, I also acknowledged that I had never been in a manlier or more attractive presence. It was like encountering an ideal that I’d only dreamed about. As I walked back to my section and accepted the congratulations of my mates, I was baffled not so much by the appearance of this new and commanding person in my life as by my recognition of his strong connection to me. But what connection?

Baby pansexual disaster at his finest

- The other day, the Doctor, Odo, and I were at the Replimat having lunch, an event that Odo, after our conversation, had taken it upon himself to organize.

. . . 

“But what about you, Doctor?” I asked, returning to the business at hand. “It seems there’s a movement afoot to have you replace Captain Sisko.” The doctor winced.

“Is this true?” Odo asked. We both looked to the doctor for confirmation. He sighed.

“There’s a group of … genetically enhanced people who feel that one of their own should be guiding the station during this emergency, and they’ve petitioned the Federation Council, but it’s Jack and his group, and no one takes them…” Exasperated, he broke off. “Garak, how did you hear about this?”

“My clientele talk and I listen.” This was also true: an idiot savant who wears his presumed genetic superiority like a badge of privilege walked into my shop and never stopped talking. Of course I encouraged him, and by the time he left I had heard all about some organized attempt to elevate Dr. Bashir to the leadership position. I could see that the doctor was upset that I’d divulged this information. Clearly this genetic business was not his favorite topic of conversation.

“Is this something we should keep an eye on?” Odo asked, studying us carefully.

“No, not at all,” the Doctor assured him. “It’s just Jack’s people. This was nearly a year ago, and I’m afraid they have too much time on their hands—like some other people I know.” He pointedly looked away from me as Odo continued to study us, trying to decode the undercurrent of this last exchange between us. No wonder he was such a capable security operative. Odo registered every change in tone and temperature and tracked the change down to its cause.

“Tell me something, Garak.” It was clear that he had found an opening for one of those deferred questions he kept on a prioritized list somewhere in his changeling head. He was still a basically shy and tactful person, especially when it came to other people’s business, but lately he’d become more openly inquisitive. I wondered if it was Major Kira’s influence.

Matchmaker/self-appointed and woefully under-equipped marriage counselor Odo……….you are Everything to me you dumb beige bitch. Garak goes a bit aggro in return when he tries to get too close to something tender but honestly odo buddy gooey friend of my heart maybe you shouldn’t barge into this particular glassware shop like a rampaging elephant huh someone’s going to get cut. Also Garak could have refrained from pressing on Julian’s bruises for attention here and we may not have had the rest of the scene, but alas. 

This must be the lunch where we deal with uncomfortable subjects.

“But if Cardassia is liberated from Dominion control …” Odo went on.

“When Cardassia is liberated,” I interrupted.

“Would you return?”

“Would you return to the Great Link?” Odo reacted with sharp annoyance to the question.It wasn’t a fair one, because although we were both exiles, we were in very different circumstances. With the humanoid shape he was still learning to live with, and his deepening relationship with Major Kira, Odo was discovering a new mode of existence, a new link. He had an alternative, however difficult the choice. I didn’t.

“Yes, I know. You can’t say.” I was sorry I had asked again. It was a question he was obviously struggling with.

The feeling Garak seems to have towards Odo in this period where like… you know when you have a friend who has a lot of the same mental health issues as you do and you see them get better and start to flourish and you are genuinely so happy for them but also feel just how deep in the muck you yourself still are with no prospect of getting out. And the way Garak consistently wistfully includes Odo’s romantic relationship to Kira when he observes how he’s coming out of his shell and why he has reasons to stay. 

“Would you return to the same Cardassia?” the doctor asked.

“What do you mean ‘same’?” But I knew perfectly well what he meant.

“To a Cardassia containing the political and social elements that made the current situation possible.”

“My dear Doctor, that’s also the Cardassia that made me possible.” I half-hoped my joke would end this conversation … but I knew better.

Julian baby please read the room and take this up some other time somewhere private maybe (and yet I understand how you wouldn’t think of that until later once Garak’s had a rare public freakout)

Absolutely heartbreaking in every way that garak seems so convinced he must have done something wrong or simply doesn’t have anything more of interest to offer julian and that’s why they’re drifting apart, when a just as likely reading from what’s actually on the page here is that julian feels he keeps getting it wrong and hesitates in case he makes the damage worse. Garak have you considered who this man is before you decided you must have fucked up and resigned yourself to the dark closet of self-isolation tain put in your head. I’m in shambles. 

Also Julian is saying a lot of very true things about Cardassia in this scene that Garak needs to hear and that he’s clearly processing all through the rest of his time on DS9 and beyond, as angry as it makes him, and the good doctor means so well but he IS being incredibly condescending, and he keeps pushing even as Garak is signaling he’d rather not go in depth on this, especially in such an exposed public setting. (This is a conversation they SHOULD be having in private, both for emotional reasons and b/c Garak’s position on this station is a lot more vulnerable than I think Julian realizes, as the hostile comments he immediately starts getting during this convo show.) I mean I guess it’s not this man’s fault he is fundamentally British and autistic what can a bitch do fdjslkfhasj (I say this with all the love in my fellow autistic heart, please do not misunderstand me here). But it’s a very Julian well-meaning but flawed thing to do — he’s focusing on the principle and intellectual side of it, but he’s not taking into account that just maybe having to deconstruct the entirety of your worldview and belief system and then feel responsible for implementing them to create a better world afterwards could be an emotionally fraught process that requires not only reasoned political debate but personal, emotional support from a friend. He isn’t getting that Garak isn’t so much categorically resistant to the basic ideas he’s setting forth — it’s that he wants to be convinced on a practical level that it could even work, because otherwise it’s just a useless pretty picture. 

(Which is a big part of their dynamic on many levels, I’ve always felt. All those times he challenges Julian’s more hopeful and idealistic world view — ultimately he doesn’t do that because he wants to break Julian’s faith down until he agrees with him, he does it because somewhere deep down Garak wants to be convinced. He wants there to be hope somewhere in the world, even if he won’t buy the quick and glorified ‘it’s easy to be a saint in paradise’ Federation version of it. And Julian’s version isn’t that, in the end; it gets tested again and again and he really, genuinely means it, even when it’s hard. Which is one of the most healing things about his presence in Garak’s life overall.) 

Ironically I also think Julian believes so much in Garak and his capabilities that it simply doesn’t occur to him that Garak as a private person might just be like. Too scared and overwhelmed to even contemplate this, at least until Garak is upset enough that he can’t gracefully hide it. (“With your background and experience, Garak, I’m certain that you could serve as a liaison between a new Cardassian government and the Federation.” The Doctor paused and waited for a response. None was forthcoming. “I once suggested that you visit Earth as a member of the Cardassian government-in-exile….” oh so no biggie then Julian that sounds easy and painless and I’m surprised no one has thought to do this yet, this Obsidian Order wilted leftover sandwich of a guy is surely going to be welcomed with open arms wherever he goes among his people fhsdakjfas!)

I feel like this is one of Julian’s less sympathetic traits that he would probably feel such intense self-loathing about once he realized it’s one he shares with his father — this instinct to try to shape someone into a ‘better’ version of themselves. I think Julian’s version of this primarily comes from a much, MUCH kinder place than in his father; he has the will and ability to see the best in the world and in people, and he can’t help but want them to live up to that once he’s seen it. He fundamentally believes people can be better, can be good, when given the help and tools they need, and that’s such a beautiful part of him. BUT along with that there is also a danger of that tipping over into becoming paternalistic and controlling, of overly privileging the ideal you see over the person who is actually there right now, and trying to forcibly change the one into the other ‘for them’.  

Considering Garak’s past experiences of being shaped and controlled by someone else’s idea of what he should be, I’m if anything surprised he doesn’t react worse to this, honestly! I think it speaks to the basic trust and goodness that exists between them that he doesn’t. Julian is clumsy but not malicious, and even here Garak does recognize that on some deep level.   

(Probably because he’s also been touched by Julian at his best, in The Wire — where his support and acceptance is absolute and unconditional, free of the instinct to control anything.)

My voice had risen to an uncharacteristic pitch. It was still ringing in my ears as the Doctor stared at me as if he were studying a baffling microbe. I, too, was baffled. I had no idea where this outburst came from. I know that a distance has widened between us during the past year or so and I know that the holosuite program incident and the revelations of his genetic enhancement are the symptoms of this distance rather than the cause. It’s only natural—we’re very different people. I also know that he had only the best intentions in suggesting that I use the Federation model in order to influence the future of Cardassia. Misguided, yes, and somewhat patronizing and arrogant, but hardly sufficient to elicit this embarrassing and public loss of control.

I mumbled some sad excuse which the good Doctor and Odo were kind enough not to challenge and left the Replimat to return to my shop. As I passed Quark’s I caught his eye and we nodded. Why I included him in my outburst also puzzled me; I rather admire his industry and resourcefulness. I especially admire the way he consistently bends Federation rules so that they work for him.

That’s such a fair evaluation of Bashir’s intentions and personality honestly. Even this upset and feeling that distance between them, Garak still has complete trust in the Doctor’s basic good intentions and nature. (Are you really such very different people at the end of the day, though, Elim. Should the genetic enhancement arc maybe be telling you something here.)

Also such a hilarious element of the Garak-Quark relationship.’Sorry to get you caught up in the crossfire bro I’ve never thought of you as anything but an avaricious opportunist (complimentary)’  

What is important is that I feel that I am necessary, that I function with all my faculties in the service of a greater cause. And while I wait for this invasion, is making Odo more attractive to Major Kira a greater cause?

It is in fact nothing but the greatest cause Garak. Getting Kira happily lovingly laid is priority one at all times. 

- I had no real friends to speak of, and told myself that loneliness was the price I had to pay for success. I considered the games and behavior of my mates to be childish, and that any unnecessary interaction would only distract me from my work. The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

(I feel like this whole part is going to hit Julian in some kind of way lmao)

Literally just. Put me in a little box on the bottom of the ocean and leave me there forever I can’t go on. Also he’s SUCH a clever-but-socially-inept teenager in this part around the people in his group he doesn’t like fhdkjsa. Ugh they’re all so annoying and fake just leave me alone *eyeroll emoji* I didn’t want to be included in their idiotic conversation bb elim… I would die for your lightly insufferable but entertainingly snarky teenage butt in a way that actually makes me feel more kindly towards my own inner idiot 16 year old.

Also it’s no wonder he’s so out to sea when it comes to interacting with his peers — by all accounts he didn’t play much with other kids as a child and then he’s dropped straight into a social Lord of the Flies piranha tank shot through with Class Shit. 

Inspired by my guide Mila, I would experiment at withdrawing my presence when I had to remain in the same room with people I didn’t like.

Honing his future customer service worker smile 

Here follow some Bamarren and beyond observations I’ve elected to call ‘Sex Stuff’:  

- Oh ok so garak gets some sexual Thing out of being beaten to a pulp after mouthing off through the same mechanism that made spanking known as the ‘English Vice’ across Europe when that was the go-to punishment in British boarding schools. I see. Many things are revealed to me

I looked from the pale, frozen face of Three to the others. They all looked like statues commemorating fear. And I was pleased. I realized at that moment that they were in my control, and that I would no longer have any trouble with them. Especially Three. I felt the power like a drug surging through my system.

And then, of course, the other side of the masochism/sadism scale smoothly coming in, he contains those multitudes. In Garak’s defense idk if you could go through a psychosexual development that wasn’t deeply, deeply weird in this sort of environment 

“What do you want me to do?” I was trembling as if my body were chilled.

Well, I mean. You know fhkdsjha. And he’s rewarded with the first non-aggressive physical contact he’s had here, you say. (For reference he’s talking to Barkan, of the aforementioned ‘manliest presence’.) I’m sure this didn’t awaken anything in him or anything.

“Elim, why do you think we have these ridges?” She stroked the scalloped cords of cartilege and bone that ran along her neck and down her shoulders with a delicacy that stopped my breath. The energy had turned into molten liquid that was now flowing into my groin. The rest of the world was swallowed by complete darkness and I was back inside the tunnel.

“Because … we do,” I replied stupidly.

Fhdjskfhsdjkfhadskjfhas he’s so easy fdsjkfhas. And what a one-two punch of sexual confusion he got there. That one afternoon did irreparable damage to the libidinous development of this poor man and now he has to live like this.

For the second time tonight I was spellbound by another’s passion. In very different ways, Charaban and Palandine held me in their orbit, like powerful suns.

I was learning something new about myself—an emerging desire for power, but a power that had less to do with mastery over others than it did with connecting to them. The way I felt the connection to Charaban … and especially to Palandine.

And, I’m so sorry to have to break it to you like this, your biodad. I’m sorry Elim you’ve got something truly unfortunately Freudian going on here. It’s not your fault.  

“I love the Blind Moon,” Charaban said softly.

“Why is it called that?” I asked, deeply relieved by the mysterious change that had come over us.

“It’s the time for lovers’ assignations,” Palandine answered. “The moon will give them enough light to meet, but not so much for them to be discovered.”

“So if you and Elim were true lovers I wouldn’t have been able to find you,” Charaban teased.

“That’s right, Barkan,” she said with a direct look. I shifted position in the ensuing silence and tried to hide my disappointment with Palandine’s reply, but at the same time, the pleasure I felt in the company of these two people kept growing.

“See?” Palandine suddenly addressed me. “You can do it.”

“What?” I was startled by her delighted burst.

“Smile. Look at that, Barkan. Wouldn’t you tell someone with that smile everything he wanted to know?” she demanded.

“The first time I met him—well, the second…” he corrected himself, “he had a smile that I wanted to wipe off his face.” He was referring to that early morning in front of the Central Gate.

“But it wasn’t that smile,” Palandine insisted.

“No,” he conceded. “Definitely not that one.” And the truth was that I could feel this smile throughout my entire body.

Noooo this is about to go so wrong…it’s all fun and games and bisexual poetry recitation under the blind moon until someone gets stabbed in the back like the Caesar (well caesar notably got stabbed from many many directions but you see what I’m trying to get at here)

- [The Klingon] looked up, and I immediately knew two things about him: he was inebriated beyond reason and he was one of their shock troopers, a callused veteran of hand-to-hand combat. I took a deep breath; as dolts go he was quite impressive. My spirits were suddenly and immeasurably lifted.

“You spoonhead!” he growled at me. I hated that word.

“And you … a great warrior who brings down dabo girls with a single blow,” He looked at me trying to decide if I had insulted or complimented him.

“P’tak!” I shouted, “I mean that you’re the biggest coward in the Klingon Empire,” He released the dabo girl, and as he moved to the narrow stairway I thought that he was also the biggest Klingon in the Empire.

I looked for my advantage. This was not an equal match, and my gigantic friend was in the full flush of a berserker blood lust. I sighed. I’m too old for this, I thought. 

. . .

“Get security, Chief, and tell them to prepare the biggest cell they have … or a smaller coffin for me,” I said as I moved into the alcove and squeezed through the opening where the panel had been. 

 Listen I would apologize for including this here but he’s clearly getting off on this and I couldn’t do anything about it if I wanted to. 

I cannot convey just how much my already intense enjoyment of canon is enriched by the knowledge that Garak is up to these kinds of hijinks constantly in the background when the camera isn’t on him. In his defense he was left unsupervised. O’Brien’s fond mildly exasperated help is just the cherry on top. ‘Well I GUESS Julian would be upset if I let you get beaten to death by a drunk Klingon so fine I’ve got your back’  

(I made for the upper Promenade—and wondered if Calyx might be enjoying this spectacle from wherever he was. ;______; I like how much of an impact Calyx has on his development, considering how briefly he was actually in his life. Plus: Calyx; the Aiglamene of Bamarren? Locked Tomb/DS9 fandom overlap people, Let’s Discuss.) 

“Help me,” he croaked. I was touched by the giant’s childlike surrender. I knew the feeling well.

“I will,” I replied and immediately wondered why I had agreed. I’m getting soft, I thought. 

The greatest joy to me of a lot of this is, like… idk if these are all exactly the things that happened at every turn. In fact I’d say they very likely aren’t, Garak’s entire character taken into consideration. But they are certainly the things he wants someone — someone he trusts as far as he knows how, someone he earnestly wants to be closer to than anyone else, and also wants to see all of him — to know about him, to share in. This could just have easily been a story he told Julian in person over lunch to make him laugh. It’s silly and frivolous and fun, and as much at his own expense as a ludicrous person as to show off. To a true lying liar who lies connoisseur, unreliable narration tells more than it obscures etc. lol  

- (About Barkan) It was the appearance of warmth that made his charm so attractive. A part of me wanted to tell him everything, to challenge the duplicity of his negative evaluation, but the clarity I found in the Lower Prefect’s office was still with me. Looking at him, I was reminded how Palandine had taught me to smile when I asked questions.

Apart from Pythas, who gets his own little twink corner, most of the people Garak is attracted to throughout this are his height or taller and slender but athletic. I’m just saying that when he spotted Julian in the Replimat for the first time he really saw a young man with the face of an angel who is exactly his type fhdjskah maybe he should have seen this coming for himself. Too high on endorphins and hubris to think this would awaken anything in him irrevocably and now he’s stuck with the consequences.  

Why? I asked myself. Why?! For the life of me I could not understand why it was important to her that I respond. Why should she—so beautiful, so alive—be disappointed if I didn’t return her … what? What did she want from me? Friendship? Why me?

I was in turmoil. Her grace and manner, the way she tilted her head and half smiled when she listened, as if everything amused her … it was like a forbidden dream of the unattainable. The attraction was painful because I instinctively knew that while my life would be simpler and more controllable without her, it would also be as drab as my Bamarren uniform.

. . . 

“Are you making fun of me?” It was at that moment, when I asked the question, that I realized just how afraid I was of being the object of her ridicule. She stopped laughing and for the first time she was speechless. 

Losing my entire fucking MIND about how Garak is basically taking Palandine’s place when he approaches Julian at first. Odo and Garak ‘I love you so much I want to become you because it’s the only way I can imagine really being close to you’ handshake meme

Sex stuff end. For now.

I was about to leave when Odo asked about the designs for his “new” sartorial look. I could see that he was masking his concern, so I assured him that the sketches were some of my finest creations, and would be ready within the week. He grunted his thanks and I stepped out onto the Promenade. Love does make fools of us all.

I’m clawing at my face with emotion. Odo… And Garak did finish those sketches even after his moment of existential ennui over them before. 

- Please for the love of god stop putting Six out in the merciless sun T_____T how many times must a poor lil nerd boy pass out before he can rest in the sand etc. 

- “It’s not every evening we find Barkan Lokar strolling with a murk through the Grounds.”

“Lokar? My father buried the Legate, Turat Lokar,” I said without thinking.

“Did your father kill him?” Palandine joked. But I didn’t laugh. The Lokars were a legendary family, and the old man’s funeral was the largest I had ever seen.

Why is this so funny. Garak you are so fucking weird. ‘Oh yeah I know that guy my dad did the flower arrangements for his funeral’ 

- A spirited dabo game involving several Klingons and a serious-looking dabo girl I hadn’t seen before caught my attention. If Quark had been present he’d be giving her one of his congeniality lectures. I truly sympathize with the young woman; if I had to spend all day with these drunken dolts….

Literally so hilarious that’s his first thought. First impulse: ‘surrounded by idiots’ solidarity. Garak what were you doing day drinking at the devil’s sacrament/quarks at midday girl…

- Rom soon appeared with a small container of kanar. He was wearing an outfit I had made for him.

“H-here you are, Garak. I hope you enjoy it.” Ever the gracious host.

“Thank you, Rom. And please, try not to let your collar lie there like a dead targ.” I adjusted the offending fabric, and Rom sweetly tolerated my fussing.

I’m fucking crying what the HELL. Surprise wholesome dynamic that keeps going through the whole narrative. Garak just uncomplicatedly likes and appreciates Rom, with no particular ulterior motive. Plus: fussing is also how we see Mila express affection, like mother like son.   

- I realized as I took a sip of my drink that I was in a dangerous mood. Drinking in the middle of the day. The Doctor would be quite disappointed with me. When I’m unable to immerse myself in work my mind becomes occupied by an invading army of thoughts intent upon conquering all equilibrium and peace. Kanar is a valuable if unreliable weapon I employ against this army. The pills the Doctor gives me are a poor substitute.

Julian, severely unimpressed: uh-huh

‘Would Julian want me to do this to myself? No. However he’s too busy playing soldiers with O’Brien to tell me so, apparently, so that can’t stop me.’ You petty lil bitch garak (affectionate)

The fact that he’s doing the The Little Julian Who Lives In My Head thing already here, where the real Julian is actually around but not engaged with him. I’m so sad. He’s managed to discover shrimp colour spectrums of loneliness and pining.  

- Ever since the Romulan business and Captain Sisko’s near breakdown (outside of the Doctor, whom I told shortly after the incident, no one knows about this, but one recognizes the symptoms), I’ve been obsessed with memories of Bamarren. 

The fact that he tells Julian about that. Presumably partly in a practical way to make sure Sisko doesn’t fall to pieces completely but he doesn’t seem to have any shame about it or expect Bashir to react too badly over it either. The trust…

- I must admit that I was quite taken aback. Evidently there is honor among dolts.

I’m genuinely impressed by how enjoyable it is in this book to be party to Garak’s inner voice. It’s so fun in here, among all the horrors. 

- Nine approached me as I sat alone in our quarters reading the first part of Cylon Pareg’s Eternal Stranger, a saga spanning several generations of a Cardassian family during the early and middle Union.

*whisper of agonized affection* between this and his happy place being studying wormhole theory… he’s such a little nerd. 

Nine swallowed again, an even more bitter taste, and marched off to a life of diminishing returns.

LMAO burn. And, as we shall see, not necessarily inaccurate.  

- As I walked away I heard the custodian ask Tarnal what it was I had done to deserve this punishment.

“Nobody told me. But I know he’s got a mouth on him,” Tarnal replied.

The more things change I guess fdhsakja. Known across the school for being a) a sneaky lil bastard and b) never ever shutting the fuck up when he really really should 

- “And you have to use that wonderful smile of yours more often, Elim.”

“What’s that got to do with listening?” That was the subject, and Palandine had typically made a jump in logic I couldn’t follow. She also forgot that I was a Cardassian male and smiling was not one of our strong features.

“If they feel comfortable with you, people will tell you stories about themselves that will reveal their deepest secrets.”

“But what if the stories aren’t true?” I challenged. “I could smile till my cheeks hurt, and you could tell me any kind of story you wanted—and what would I know about you except what you invented?”

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted.

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not? Because it’s not what you believe? Or it doesn’t fit a definition of the truth that someone taught you? Look at people, Elim.” Palandine gestured as if the enclosure were filled with people. “Observe them. The way they walk and talk, the way they hold themselves and eat their meals. That’s what they believe about themselves. Is it the ‘truth’? Are they really that way? I don’t know. Perhaps it is a lie. But what people lie about the most are themselves, and these lies become the stories they believe and want to tell you.”

“As long as I’m smiling,” I mumbled.

. . . 

“Truth, as we’ve learned to define it, is not only overrated,” she went on with a controlled passion, “it’s designed to keep people in the dark.”

This last statement stopped me.

“You mean the way we’ve been taught?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“What about our government?”

“They tell us the stories that we need to know in order to be good citizens,” she replied carefully.

“They don’t tell us the truth, is what you’re saying,” I concluded.

“There you go again. They tell us their truth, Elim, and we are here to learn how to listen.”

. . . 

“Let the ones without power scowl and make fierce faces.You smile. It’s an invitation to connect with another person. And once the invitation is accepted, relax and listen … you’ll come to know as much as you’ll ever need to about that person,” she said with a smile that I greedily accepted.

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted. 

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not?” 

SO when I was saying he’s taking Palandine’s place in this dynamic with Julian early on I was not kidding and I was not wrong hahaha. And it’s also what this entire book is, in the end. Trusting Julian to ‘truly listen’ to the story under the stories is maybe the biggest show of trust and vulnerability Garak could ever extend to anyone. Extremely The Wire-core once more.

The idea that tiny Garak was too outwardly glum and serious is. Amazing and brainbreaking. People feeling uncomfortable under his gaze b/c he’ll just like scowl distrustfully at them. Palandine I don’t know if you fixed him or made him worse but you certainly did something fundamental to him and committed him to the bit and for that I cannot thank you enough

- I no longer had Palandine to myself—but surprisingly, I didn’t mind, in fact I was pleased that Charaban was here. His stillness, like everything else about him, had grace and strength. I sneaked another look in his direction and marveled that this was the same person I had first encountered in the storeroom. He returned my look, and in the next few moments a bond grew between us that I had never thought possible. 

You know if Barkan was really smart or had the capacity for extended self-control he would have just kept stringing Garak along as the third in his disastrous marriage. Garak is used to subsisting on the merest scraps of affection and consideration, you’d barely even have to feed him. (Ala Daisuke Jigen with many an evil ex, for the Lupinheads out there lol) A threesome here and there and maybe gently stroking his hair afterwards and you’d have him for life, probably. Alas or perhaps thankfully Barkan is ultimately just an asshole and not that smart. 

- A Bolian client came down the steps outside the door and was about to enter the shop, but for some reason he stopped at the threshold. He looked at us, turned, and went back the way he came.

LMAO that guy was like ‘something really fraught and homosexual is going on here and that is frankly none of my business, as you were gentlemen don’t mind me.’ A real ally and a bro.  

“I’m keeping you from your business.” Bashir stood up. “I won’t take up any more of your time.”

“I’m pleased you stopped by.” I was about to escort him to the door.

“No, you’re not,” he said quietly.

“Excuse me?”

“Garak, I come from a culture that has perfected the ‘stiff upper lip,’” he explained with the same faint smile.

“What does that mean?” It was a genuine question; there was a change in his attitude.

“It means that we never complain, never admit to our feelings, never ask for help. It’s just not done,” Bashir explained. “And those people who lack character’ and insist on airing their needs—especially in public—are subject to ridicule… and worse. Does this sound familiar?”

“Perhaps,” I replied softly.

“But I’m also a doctor, Garak. And I know which group of people suffers the most. I really won’t take up any more of your time.” He extended his hand, which he rarely did, and I took it. “Thank you for the tea.” He turned and went out the door.

I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. Yes, Doctor, it does sound familiar. But as to the question of which group suffers the most…

. . . 

After Charaban’s betrayal I became as withdrawn and solitary as I had been when I first came to the Institute. I tried to spend time with Palandine, but it never quite worked out; between her regular duties and the recruitment and planning for the female Competition, she had little time for anything else. But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

1) Going NUTS over the fact that these are separated by ONE paragraph. Andy Robinson staring directly into the camera making parallels between the main love interests in this book like ‘Am I making myself clear here. Do you get it yet’. Also really interesting to make this relationship pattern a, well, pattern in Garak’s life, and not a unique element of his and Bashir’s thing (which Doylistically was basically a byproduct of cowardly 90s standards for tv writing more than anything else lol)

2) But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

 The Palandine/Bashir parallel train barrels on, scoring a deep trail of heartache into my soul. Also in that case it’s so sad because he really hasn’t done anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of, Barkan and Palandine are the ones who fucked him over :’( 

3) I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. + Tolan’s grief at seeing Garak after Bamorren: “He’s hard, Mila,” Father said. . . . “But to the point where he’s unreachable?” Father asked. “Where nothing penetrates? How can he express even his basic needs if he’s trapped inside a shell?” + Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?...........................................................................

4) More proof to my eyes that Julian’s side of this whole thing seems to be more about thinking Garak doesn’t actually want him to be there. He doesn’t think he’s welcome here or that he’ll be able to help more than he hurts with whatever’s going on for him. ‘I really won’t take up any more of your time’ AUGH 

Garak buddy… every time he tries to get closer to you or extend some care, you bristle like a hedgehog even though you’re trying to do it in as polite and decent a way as possible — what is the poor guy supposed to think beyond a certain point lmao. (Though on the hopeful/beautiful side… what is this entire book but Garak actually taking the advice/suggestion Bashir gives in this scene to reexperience his past and put it in context — not in the holosuites, but in his own way by writing it all out in a way that makes sense to his Cardassian brain and then sharing that with Julian directly. Like. The last line of the book is ‘You’re always welcome, Doctor’. Elim ‘I will become emotionally healthy enough to ask Julian to come visit with an open heart if it fucking kills me’ Garak)  

I’m so soft for how careful they both are with each other in this scene, though. Even in this difficult place where there’s stuff they don’t understand about each other and they are having difficulty connecting for… several reasons, they are trying so so hard to be good to each other. Which is why I think they have every chance of working out brilliantly long-term; once you’ve got a mutual respect, willingness to keep working to understand and communicate with each other even when it’s difficult, and that fundamental ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ good faith in a relationship you’re a good chunk of the way there, from what I have observed. 

Julian cares that Garak was upset, much more than he cares about being right, and this time he shows it in a more private setting where Garak can take it in. They’re trying!  

5) The implication in But as to the question of which group suffers the most… that Garak also realizes how much he’s hurting Julian by not being able to let him in…

Most of all the fact that Bashir in this scene is like ‘Listen Garak I get emotional repression. I’m literally British.’ is one of the funniest things that happen in the whole book. To me. (I’m Norwegian, culturally this has. Some overlap with my experience, let’s say lol) 

- Six had long since gone home. He wanted to succeed so badly, but his body couldn’t withstand the constant assault of the training. I’m sure he found an academic situation. 

Oh thank GOD. Genuinely so relieved to hear this. This is how many times a nerd boy must pass out before he rests in the sand and gets to go to normal university instead of murderschool, the question is finally answered.  

- Tain has shown up again and I want to throw rocks at him until he goes away. And I know he won’t. 

- My shed has become somewhat more bearable, but the clutter and confinement of the interior space requires that I leave the door open. To keep myself busy when I’m not working with the med unit, Doctor, I am engaged in a project I must tell you about. It baffles me. Perhaps you can tell me if I’m losing my mind altogether.

. . . 

[Parmak] turned to me with the strangest expression on his face—and looked me directly in the eyes for the first time.

AUGH. (Plus, the fact that Parmak consistently calls him ‘Elim’.)

But what baffles me, Doctor, is that I attach no meaning to what I’m doing here. I’m just doing it because I need to. And to be truthful, I don’t see this as a memorial at all. On the contrary—if I could, I’d singlehandedly rebuild this city myself, piece by piece. I stood here watching Parmak’s blood dry on this pile of rubble, engulfed by a feeling of loss and utter mystification as to what these piles mean.

Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor.

This whole section is the biggest mood and I’ve rarely felt closer to a fictional character haha. His quietly dissociated tired bemusement both with himself and what he’s doing and Parmak’s reaction is… yeah that’s exactly what that feels like. And ‘Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor’ has done irreparable damage to my psyche, I’m going to be thinking about this forever

- Palandine gestured that she would deal with me and sent the mate on her way.

“So what did you use me for?” I asked.

“What do we ever use each other for?” she replied without hesitation.

“Answering a question with a question is an old trick, Palandine.”

“No trick. I needed a friend.”

“And you don’t need a friend now” I hated the tone that was creeping into my voice.

“It’s complicated, Elim.”

I was afraid to ask why.

“What did you use me for?” she asked.

The question truly baffled me. I only wanted her love. Was that using her? I would gladly have given mine in return.

Still gnawing on concrete over Garak partially reenacting Palandine’s way of approaching him with Bashir in the beginning. At that point he also needed a friend (and he needed someone to run to Sisko like ‘THE SPY TALKED TO ME :D’ to deliver intel through so he was also using him lol.) The way Garak picks up traits from the people he loves like he’s doing the soul version of Odo’s shapeshifting-as-closeness thing because it’s the only way he knows. 

- “So it’s Eight,” he said, dismissing me from his world.

“I don’t think you understand, Barkan….” Palandine began to say.

“It’s not necessary that he understand,” I dismissed him from my world.

Barkan… you did not understand what you were doing, getting into an emotionally and sexually charged petty-off with this man. RIP your stupid ass I guess lmao

“I wanted to tell you. But when I realized … I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said with a gentleness that rankled me.

“I’m not hurt. Neither one of you can hurt me. I wish you a successful… partnership.”

Palandine is so interesting!!!! And like here’s one of the things that I think make a big difference in Garak’s relationship with Palandine vs. his relationship with Julian — who tells him exactly the same thing in ‘The Wire’, after all! (I don’t want to hurt you) Because Palandine doesn’t really mean it, does she? She doesn’t mean ‘I don’t want you to be hurting, I want to protect you from being harmed’, she means ‘I didn’t want to be the thing that hurt you; I didn’t want to be faced with your hurt’, while she is doing things that will inevitably hurt him. I think there is genuine affection and care on her side, but they’re in such a fucked up, brutal world and they’re so young. 

‘I’m not hurt. Who’s hurt’ says teen crying quiet tears of blood as his world falls to pieces 

“I love him, Elim. And I’m also ambitious. I want what he wants. You’ll understand this when you find someone to share your….”

Not me wondering how much of this has echoes to Mila’s relationship to Tain and how that’s part of what Garak reacts to — that survival mechanism of ‘I want what he wants’, subsuming and submitting yourself completely. Which of course is what a Cardassian is supposed to do to the state, and that Garak also does with Tain for the vast majority of both of their lives. The worst part is that Palandine really had some reason to hope for more — she and Barkan start out in a more equal position than it’s implied Mila and Tain ever did, that’s always framed as an inter-class thing, and while Palandine’s family situation is not as grand as Barkan’s it doesn’t seem like it crosses the service class/ruling class barrier. But the structure of the state imposed on every level of society right down to the most intimate and personal areas of life is going to crush the life out of that hope real fast. I’m sorry girl. Wanting to have a fighting chance in this world isn’t the worst sin anyone’s committed and tbf you are like a teen by all accounts

- “My name is Elim Garak. I don’t know where I’m being sent, but I hope you’ll remember me as your friend.”

“When I was told today that I was One Lubak, I was honored… and afraid that I’d lose you as a friend. Thank you. My name is Pythas Lok.”

Neither one of us ever took our eyes off Mila, who was still trying to blend into his surroundings.

Crying gently into my cereal

Garak ‘I wasn’t sure I could ever call him a friend’ vs. Pythas ‘Afraid that I’d lose you as a friend’

Something powerful was stirring deep inside me, and I began to shake. Mila snapped his head to the side, the way he does when he senses light or heat change. Convulsive waves pushed up from my center and tears filled my eyes, blinding me. I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. By the time the convulsions subsided and my eyes cleared, Mila had disappeared into the rock-and-sand home he came from. 

Absolutely sobbing my eyes out into my cereal 

Spoiler warning: Garak having to go somewhere to be alone after something calamitous happens in his life because that’s the only way he can cry is a theme that will reemerge later and do unspeakable emotional damage to me personally haha

As I hiked back to the Institute, I had the thought that maybe somebody was doing the same thing for me and bringing me back home.

No baby you see someone is doing the exact opposite of this to you right now because you have a basic goodness and capacity for real honest love that Tain doesn’t and he’ll never in a million years set you free just because he loves you and it’s the right thing for you 

- And Jadzia is gone. The station is a sadder and grayer place without her. I’m surprised at how keenly I feel her absence. Even though I know that her symbiont has been “joined” with another person … well, it’s not the same, is it? Indeed, knowing that Jadzia’s personality is somehow contained along with several others within this other person, I wonder how I would react if we were ever to meet.

:(

The doctor has reminded me that these are personal choices, and it’s not for us to judge how one chooses to mourn. Quite so. Who can even begin to understand another’s grief? “Do you judge people by the clothes they ask you to make?” the doctor asked once. I bit back my response, but the point was well taken.

:’) little soul-healing brush of Julian kindness time 

- “What does Tir Remara want with you?” Colonel Kira demanded, ignoring my offer of tea. Immediately an entire picture formed in my head of the scenario her abrupt question suggested: Tir Remara—a spy, perhaps even a changeling, preying upon a lonely Cardassian who was working for the Federation and engaged in top-secret work.

“She wants to have my children,” I replied with a serious look.

“You can’t be serious,” she managed.

“I’m not. Now do you want this tea or not?”

Kira should just have strangled you all those times she wanted to you snarky asshole fhdskja

[swallowtail-ageha]

Super late but 💕🏳️‍🌈💀 for the unpopular opinion ask game?

Sure! Going with elden ring here

💕 What is an unpopular ship you like?

I have two major ships that are unpopular but i really like! Albeit they are unpopular for two wholly different reasons, because one (malmiq) is incest and the other (ranni/tiche) is pretty much something i invented from scratch

Funnily enough, before dlc i didnt care much for it. I was very "oh they are codependent and malenia's dialogue does sound Suspect" but didnt put much thought into it. Then post dlc spite + me in the last year becoming much more outspoken into shipping incest and it became an OTP full force.

They are everything to me soulmates tragic siblings each other's halves the full manifestation of the inherent claustrophobia of incest. They are very antigone and polynices core to me (<-unhinged statement). Canon sunk the ship with a cannonball but it doesnt matter for i have mastered the art of Ignoring

Ranni/Tiche is very. Oh ok i made it up. My brain was like "oh so ranni instituted the NOTBK, she's also canonically into women, alecto had a daughter old enough to be an assassin herself so tiche might have been around ranni's age" and ran with that

I do not think their relationship ever ended up into something. I think they had a sort of unaware mutual pining where ranni truly didn't realize her feelings for tiche until she died, while tiche died bitterly and thinking that her Dear Friend ranni abandoned her (not too far from the truth tbh)

Surprisingly enough, probably my only ship where the characters pine and don't fuck at least once

🏳️‍🌈 Which character who is commonly headcanoned as queer doesn't seem queer to you?

I am pretty lax on queer headcanons bcs i usually default to "everyone is bi" as a way to just have several dynamics instead of being just limited by sexuality (and i also tend to gravitate more towards m/f ships or f/f ships). I guess the most is me going ??? at (an admitedly very small minority of people) who insist that rellana is lesbian and in love with marika and this is why shes following messmer just because thats not. Her characterization (tho i like rellana/moonirithyll and rellana/rennala)

💀 If you had to choose one major character to die, who would you choose?

Well basically every important character here dies so. I really do not have much of a choice but god annoying post dlc mohg fans that woobiefy (revolutionary, did nothing wrong mohg) the shit out of him make me feel glad i killed him. Which genuinely sucks!!!! Because i used to love mohg both pre and post dlc!! But some of his stans really make him hard to be liked! Hes getting turned into elden ring lady maria and I Do Not Like It

Thanks for the ask!

Ask game here

https://www.tumblr.com/fintan-pyren/747123238736429056/ask-game-unpopular-opinion-edition?source=share

[hollandorks]

It's that point in time where I randomly pop into your inbox again! 😅😂

But I have 2 things to talk about this time!

1. I thought now that Agatha All Along was over, Daredevil was next and they'd be releasing the trailer but I just found out I was wrong! They're releasing what if season next, and then spiderman AND THEN Daredevil so I still have way longer to wait!

I don't like watching leaks. They're sucky qualitt and come out way too early and often tell you too much. So I didn't watch the leaked Daredevil trailer & don't want to.

2. I didn't watch the Penguin but I know what happened and ... It sucked. Ive typed up my thoughts about this before on reddit (a lot of people suck there but I just deal with it). Instead of retyping it all, I'm just going to snapshot what I said & send the snapshot.

(please know that if what I said on Reddit sounds mean, it's because of who I was saying it TO. They were being MAJOR dicks about me not liking it and so I was pissed at them while typing this up.

I mean, I had someone try and tell me I didn't have friends and criticize me as though I thought I was actually Harley Quinn. Among other things.)

Anyway, i was curious what you think?

I'm still excited for Yhe Batman pt 2 but I thought the penguin was unnecessary, completely predictable and mediocre as can be. Not the marvel the critics are calling it.

Hi hello! Good to see you here lol!

1. They have released an official Daredevil teaser thankfully but I don't think we've gotten the full trailer yet? I've seen all the leaks though because I'm a HOE for daredevil 😅😂 I think I saw it debuts early March which is sooo soon but so far ugh

I get it about the leaks though, a lot of times they do tell too much! It can be a lot more fun going in blind without knowing all the cameos and returning characters--a lot of which they definitely spoiled in the leaked trailer

2. I definitely can see where you're coming from about the Penguin show! Also people shouldn't be dicks because you disagree with them?? And also try to attack you personally for having an opinion???? That's dumb wtf

I will say though (as you've probably seen from my unhinged posts), I loooooved the Penguin show. They did a great job doing a deep dive into his psyche and then did a great job revealing who he truly is (which we knew all along of course but it was a wild ride)

All that being said--the show is worth it for every reason besides the Penguin himself. Sofia and Vic's characters (and even some of the other characters like Oz's mom and Eve) stole the whole fucking show. The show def sets up some of that stuff for the next film! Also I really, really loved seeing more of Gotham and the criminal underworld. Like, I got soooo many ideas for fics just from that 😂

The storytelling is seriously so good though. Especially for Sofia. Like, she made the whole show for me and that's partly why I personally think it's a marvel! Plus the acting was just so good on so many levels. It felt like all the actors were super passionate about it and gave it their all! (Again, especially for Sofia and Vic!)

So, all that to say--obviously my opinion is different than yours but that's okay! I don't really like Soprano type stuff either typically so if the Battinson brainrot wasn't sooo fucking deep I probably never would have watched it 😂

[nelyoslegalteam]

please tell me about your dnd campaign, stranger

hi hi hi hi hi hi hi do you have any idea how happy i am to get this ask. you have activated my trap card this is going to be SO long i am sorry in advance but The People Need To Know About My D&D Campaign.

so we’re playing in Adventures in Middle Earth, which is. supposedly a Tolkienverse-specific 5e mod but frankly it’s robust enough to fully count as its own system if you ask me. like it has its own guidebooks, character sheets, premade adventures, and features mechanics that 5e just straight up doesn’t have. it’s like if 5e were actually good. anyway. may i present to you:

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ The Mirkwood Campaign ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

so what, exactly, happened in the intervening years between the events of the Hobbit and LOTR? we did, BAYBEEEEEE!!

we are:

Murdoc, a hobbitish warden (adventures in middle earth’s version of a bard), played by yours truly!! raised in the shire and eventually moved out to the middle of mirkwood by an eccentric uncle who idolizes bilbo baggins, murdoc is the heir apparent to the brandybuck family inn. unfortunately for murdoc, he has developed extremely nasty prophetic dreams and is now burdened with the ability to see the future! a skill that has definitely left him with a very normal relationship to his new day job of Being An Adventurer!! i am unhinged and have uh. Talked About Him A LOT If You Care To Read This, but he is full of murderous rage and also tea and loves his friends very much. he also, more recently, surrendered himself as bait to the great werewolf plaguing mirkwood, trusting completely that his friends would come and save him. he was right. they did. and he lost his right hand in the process. :)

Ríros, an elven warrior (aime version of a fighter), played by @jaz-the-bard. tall, buff, sunshiny, and an absolute himbo. ALSO loves his friends VERY much and this is KEY. unfortunately for ríros, he is a redhead, and that does cause problems in a world where maedhros feänorion once existed. (stranger, i am so sorry if you are not one of my silmarillion regulars and did not know what you were getting into by asking me, a silmarillion blog, to tell you about my d&d campaign, and now have no idea who or what the fuck i am talking about). ríros is notably not maedhros though! he isn't even noldorin!! maedhros is a ghost who lives in his sword (and who is also played by jaz)! and who also maybe kind of accidentally possessed him one time, if you wanna read this here for a better explanation of ríros mostly but also all of the above.

The Bearer, a human slayer (aime barbarian), played by @thymo-leonta. grumpy old man. unwilling father to all these young and stupid adventurers he’s been stuck with. are they all adults? yeah sure. they’re still Children. we are making him go grey. also full of murderous rage. looks like he's running from his perfectly normal, happy, loving family. is actually acutely aware of the fact that he has been doomed to die. killed the werewolf that took murdoc's hand. as a consequence, became the werewolf that took murdoc's hand. has two dogs, both named Dog <3

Déorwyn, a human wanderer (aime ranger), played by @shadowkat2000. resident party Horse Girl. a fellow sufferer of The Bad Prophetic Dreams^TM. because this is not quite unfortunate enough for her, déorwyn Hears Dead People. apparently our GM gives her extra secret bonus ghosts that the rest of us do not hear or know about! this being the source of her foresight makes her pretty distinct from murdoc, despite them both seemingly suffering from the same thing, in ways that i have LOTS of emotions about. her horse is named windrider and Their Bond Is Unbreakable uwu

and @potatoobsessed999, our obligatorily Extremely Ominous GM!

(we are also occasionally joined by Ioreth, a human treasure hunter (aime rogue), whose player is unfortunately not on tumblr. a founding member of the party, has earned the epithet The Feral, mostly loves to hang out in the woods by herself, look for shiny things, and cause chaos. as a beorning, she CAN astral-project herself as a bear. it rules. once got possessed by a ringwraith, probably holds the most compassion for characters who have been through similar out of any of us. is usually covered in mud.)

initially in the employ of radagast the brown, a tenure that did not last due to murdoc's insistence that saruman is evil (i mean. yeah lol.), we're a group of adventurers traveling mirkwood with the aim to defend it as sauron slowly gathers power. we are

very

successful at the Fighting And Killing Things part of this

we specialize in:

lugging unconscious bodies through the woods!

lugging DEAD bodies through the woods!

lugging EACH OTHER'S bodies through the woods!

lugging things through the woods in general!

setting things on fire (usually murdoc's fault)!

making fun of our enemies so bad they just give up!

INCLUDING the ringwraiths (shoutout to ríros)!

serving annoying politicians subpoenas!

murdering them like the one time it was totally justified we promise!

accidentally convincing the council of mirkwood that murdoc's inn is a small fiefdom!

being generally cursed (except for ríros) (he just looks that way)!

HIRE US to take care of whatever problems are happening in YOUR local cursed forest! wights? patricidal politicians? generally awful politicians? sauron? the same fucking werewolf again? it's definitely just tuesday to us!

you can count on

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ the union of murdoc ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

anyhow, jaz is absolutely wonderful and has written several fics of our party, including (but not limited to):

Cooking Contest for the Free Peoples, based on an in-game conversation about beating sauron at competitive cooking,

In Which There Are More Ghosts, which is not canon to game but is in fact Extremely Representative of the exact kind of nonsense we get up to (campaign's haunted),

A Stranger With a Friend's Face, a canon to game horror story of how ríros got slightly possessed, the party acquired maedhros, and neither murdoc nor déorwyn managed to explain the presence of the vengeful ghost residing in murdoc's scepter and bullying him in his dreams to any of the rest of the party right up until this very moment,

and this wonderful drabble from the horror arc in which we were isolated inside of a haunted longhouse. complete with party memes here.

there's more, and i am going to a.) pick on jaz to add them if they can find them, and b.) pick on my beloved friends in general to Please Help Me Infodump About our Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Top to Bottom, Left to Right: Murdoc, the Bearer, Déorwyn, Ríros, Ioreth]

[blackholesun321]

wing!au would the Mishanks wedding happen before or after meeting luffy/child number 1?

cuz if it happened before that would mean that both are just surprising their husband with an additional child and if it happened after the child acquisition then that means the early meeting of more than a few hilarious characters

also uncle buggy

My idea was before the numerous children acquisitions. Maybe not before uta though if you want to add her into the story.

I guess it’s Schrödinger bird marriage then again both have threaten divorce so many times neither of them technically know if their still married. Shanks will and has threaten divorce over burnt toast. But Mihawks threatened to throw him off of his coffin boat in the middle of the calm belt and make himself a widow if he didn’t shut the fuck up. So it’s ever changing. and frankly anyone who knows them want nothing to do with their hyper obsessive homoerotic-maiming fetish they got going on. (It’s Benn and Buggy and whoever happens to be dragged in near by. But mostly Benn and Buggy.)

The people in Shanks life always warned him that one day he’d be hit with the parenting bat at full-force for the absolute fucking insanity he caused as a child. And he thought it was ended with Uta but nope the kids just keep piling on. Not to mention internally he has so many issues, so many and he’s terrified to screw up any child in like a four foot diameter of his general aura. The universe truly has the worse sense of humor.

Mihawk assumed he’d die alone. And look he’s not the best with kids more the type of person to treat them and talk to them like their tiny adults, (they of course love him for this.) But then he met Shanks and if someone like him can be charmed and pulled into love by someone like Shanks the universe could start throwing wacka-doodle shit at him and he’d just pull an umbrella out. He didn’t however plan for so Many children…

This is what basically happens every time Mihawk and Shanks aquire another child. Neither of them no why they lie and or are surprised anymore—

Uncle Buggy is a terror and has more then once convinced the child to commit a coup d’état against their parents. Right before he’s done babysitting he’ll give the kids a bunch of candy then hand them a permanent marker to take home. He is the fun uncle but also the unhinged take the kids out the middle of the woods for a probably illegal bond fire and or pick-pocketing trip he’ll call grift-time with uncle Buggy. The Kids love him.

[ajaxbell]

Story of Kunning Palace is everything I shouldn't like and I love it

I picked up Story of Kunning Palace rather spontaneously, something to watch when I couldn't sleep, something to replace the run of really awful xianxias I keep quitting after a couple episodes. I went in knowing nothing about SoKP.

I was not prepared.

Oh, I said to myself, Zhang Linghe is in this. Fun!

Well my friends, while you should watch this because it's excellent, you should also brace yourselves. I did not expect to be utterly obsessed with this show and binge it all in like a week. Like literally I never do that. But the plot is interesting. It's beautifully shot. The cast is quite excellent. And the chemistry is off the charts.

Bai Lu is fantastic in this. She takes a complex roles and nails while giving the character an undercurrent of vulnerability that should win anyone over. She has sizzling chemistry with everyone she encounters, including one character who is the human equivalent of cream of wheat, and with the princess which is utterly delightful.

But Zhang Linghe. Whew, let me sit down and fan myself for a second. This is not the man who deftly played both Changheng and Xiao Run in Love Between Fairy and Devil. This is not the sweater-clad romantic his Studio seems to want to portray him as. This is... something else. Let me start with the caveat that I rarely go for the villain. I especially do not go for the villains who do not seem redeemable. And here in SoKP his character, Xie Wei, does not initially appear to be redeemable. He is a red flag a mile wide. He is a calculated mask of refinement over seething rage that always seems on the verge of breaking through. He appears capable of real violence. He sneers. He threatens. He's possessive and jealous to a disturbing degree. He generally looks disgusted with the world around him. And it is sexy as fuck. Why I am so in to this character? I can barely explain it beyond good acting and good storytelling. He is an utterly unhinged character, a veneer of civility over a feral creature ready to kill you at the slightest provocation, at least until you penetrate his armor. And then whew. You're in for quite a bumpy ride from beginning to end with his character, but so worth it for some incredible character development.

This is a reincarnation story of sorts, though slightly muddled since Chinese censorship won't allow those stories. It opens on the Empress, Jiang Xuening (Bai Lu) narrating her rise to power by any means necessary only to fall when rebels over take the palace. We see a lot of cruelty and violence and then rather than dying the Empress wakes up in the past with all her memories intact.

In this new life Jiang Xuening does everything she can to change events from the future she remembers, but ends up in the thick of it anyway. Along the way she collects an incredible cast of characters who all seem to fall in love with her (as you will too) and a long list of enemies so vile you will find yourself shouting at the screen for our heroes to just poison these assholes already.

It is especially interesting that here many of the side characters are the kind of good and honorable heroes, with excellent fighting skills or noble birth, that you often find at the center of these stories. Our secondary characters are sunshine, sweetness, and upright morality. But our leads are intensely morally grey, rely only on their wits, and are so packed full of trauma it's amazing they can function at all. And yet the story manages to wring some incredible depictions of friendship and loyalty out of this morally dubious center and make a story so irresistible that I lost sleep to watching several nights in a row.

In fairness some of that was because I just sort desperately needed more of Xie Wei the walking red flag, because whew he was so compelling. But it is truly a good and intricate story so full of twists that the constant surprise makes it even more satisfying. Highly recommend. But don't go into it looking for a sweet love story, it's a violent palace intrigue story with a side of very morally dubious and toxic romance with a smattering of consent issues, but weirdly, maybe even better for that? (And if you have a choking kink, this show will reward you!😅)

(And I'm not much one for celebrity gossip, but I will say that Zhang Linghe and Bail Lu gazing at each other in promo appearances for this has real 'get you someone who looks at you like Wang Yibo looks Xiao Zhan' vibes. Their on screen chemistry is searing, but it seems to have somehow carried over to or from real life because these people seem to very much, uh, admire each other.

gif from here

[jade-kyo]

RvB 20th rewatch: s6

And here it is- possibly my favorite season? At least it was the very first time I watched the show but my favorites for everything in this show have changed so much over the years it’s hard to say. Either way season 6 goes hard and I go feral.

Omega at blood gulch: silly goofy villain who wants to rule the universe // omega at Valhalla: straight up horror movie shit

KAKAINA MY BELOVED

“Good luck with your empty base and raging insanity” heavily quoted line

Added to Sarges list of superpowers: he can turn into cardboard

I think it’s very funny that Sarge recommends Wash find Caboose but not Doc who arguably has way more experience with Omega

GAVIN

“How sad would it be to not have a brother and lose a brother all in the same day” i once saw someone apply this quote to Church and Carolina and I am in agony.

Rip joahnness

The way Wash almost drops the ai reveal in casual conversation

Honestly Wash is kinda dumb for not realizing Church was the alpha the moment he heard the same name as the fucking Director

“We don’t! That’s part of our charm! Quit fucking it up!” Quoted line

CACKLING there’s an error in the dvd version where one of Caboose’s lines doesn’t have audio so his head just silently bops and Church responds to nothing 😂

“THAT WAS FUCKING BULLSHIT”

“WHAT PART!? HOW BOUT THE PART WHERE I GOT THROWN EIGHTY FEET IN THE FUCKING AIR BY THE GODDAMN THROWING THING!!”

NOT MY FAULT SOMEONE PUT A WALL IN MY WAY

Ah yes the moment Washington became one of my favorite characters- shooting South. Listen I like my men a little unhinged

I mean Wash’s logic is pretty sound tho- South had established a habit of betraying people so making sure she couldn’t do that again wasn’t a bad idea…

“I am completely and totally sane… now if you’ll excuse me I need to go blow up this dead body” he’s so sexy

GOD WASH IN THE BACKGROUND JUST DESTROYING SOUTHS BODY AKSHKAHSKDHKS CACKLING

“Wow what a ringing endorsement *explosion* I am filled with confidence” another quoted line

CONTROL F U

RED TEAM!!!!!!!!

Simmons was gonna confess his love obviously

“I AM THE VOICE OF GOD” Church just like me fr

Wash is so sexy

FREELANCER POWER ACTIVATE

WASH SARGE VOICE MY BELOVED

“You can’t copy an ai” Simmons single handedly smarter than every single freelancer

Wash is so done with everything… man doesn’t know he’s gonna find his inner silly again

I cannot get over the silent “you suck” as Wash is looking for Epsilon- these are definitely Church fragments alright

“You are the Alpha” is possibly one of the greatest and most well executed plot twists I have ever seen. Even to this day, after 20 rewatches, I lose my mind every time. I feel actual chills every. Single. Time.

The first time I watched it will also always be one of the most memorable moments of my life. My jaw was on the floor. I literally had to stop the episode and go outside and scream and freak out for a whole 30 minutes.

I genuinely believe this was the exact moment that Red vs. Blue became my favorite show ever. Of all time.

Anyway Grif and Simmons are gay

Church truly drinking that denial juice. Just like me fr

BOO MOTHERFUCKER

TUCKER VOICE CAMEO

“What’s a matter daddy didn’t love you enough” thing is for Carolina that was literally actually the case

Okay but if Church did have full access to his ai powers could he show them some porn?

Emp

What would have happened if the emp hadn’t gone off… would the alpha have fully reformed sans his memories? G o d. I am in agony.

I hold onto one solace and that’s that Alpha and Beta were together in the end. Chex my beloved. My new headcanon is that Alpha and Beta actually got a similar ending as Chex did in restoration- reunited, with time relative to them, maybe not perfect but together.

Church being the director was also a masterfully done twist. God it’s so fucking good. I love this show so fucking much.

S6 my beloved… it is always so good to watch this season I love it so much.

[minimanic]

💚WAKE UP BABES ITS FAVORITE FILMS WATCHED IN 2024 TIME💚

Truly and Genuinely couldn't get it down to nine and i love that for me. Thoughts and where to watch links under the cut:

💚 You and the Night (2013): I am hard pressed to think of a movie where I was more immediately endeared to all of the characters. Which is fairly important for a film where the premise is magical realism orgy. Its empathetic and bitter sweet and excruciatingly french and i care about it a lot.

💚 Moon Garden (2022): Just a good solid journey through the dreamscape movie in the style of Labyrinth (1986) or *gunshot noise* (2005). Admittedly the set up that gets the dream rolling is pretty weak (little girl with a fraught family situation gets accidentally knocked into a coma). But the ensuing wander through many an elaborate location, meeting colorful friends and foes along the way, is a pure delight. There's never enough movies in this genre for my taste and this is a fine addition.

🎥 Watch on Pluto: here

💚 Anchoress (1993): Who knew that the story of a woman becoming so obsessed with The Virgin Mary she creates her own one woman heretical folk religion around it would take me the fuck out. Just a really interesting and singular take on what the mingling of pre Christian religions and Catholicism in 15th century England might have looked like.

💚 Twister (1996): This is the perfect disaster movie. Full stop. The storm chaser crew is my dream blunt rotation. The central romance is a joy. Helen Hunt is out for revenge against a weather phenomenon. Every beloved character actor on earth is there. 10/10 no notes.

💚 Sex Lies and Videotape (1989): Gonna try and get through this without saying anything deranged about James Spader but I can't promise anything. Good LORD was that something. In general I have more admiration for the psychosexual drama genre than i have actual interest in it but I'm so glad I went for this. It has infidelity. It has kink. It has fraught sibling relationships. It has James Spader looking submissive and breedable. WHO SAID THAT.

🎥 Watch on Internet Archive: here

💚 Civil War (2024): Sure its worthless as political commentary but it is an Alex Garland dystopian road trip movie featuring a bunch of unhinged asshole artists who are willing and sometimes seem to be actively trying to die for their craft. There's even toxic yuri if you are only willing to believe. Plus the path the gang takes to DC is virtually identical to the rout i used to take back and forth from college. This movie is effectively me bait and brother I'm caught.

💚 All of Us Strangers (2023): This is simply a really soft sad little ghost story. Comfortably claustrophobic. Hurts like hell but goes down smooth. Feels like every five years Andrew Scott shows up and emotionally wrecks my shit.

💚 Love Lies Bleeding (2024): I think its great that dirtbag murder daughter!Kristen Stewart and unstable softie!Katy O Brian did all of that. I hope they got away with it. Seriously though wonderful character study, wonderful touches of horror, wonderful touches of magic. Rose Glass knows what she's fucking doing and it rules.

💚 Challengers (2024): For lack of a better, less cringe, way of saying this: it made me feel The Social Network emotion. Its about the History and the Tension and the Resentment and the Infatuation. This dysfunctional toxic thruple truly means so much to me. A threesome wouldn't fix them but it probably wouldn't make them worse and i would like to see it.

💚 Audition (1999): Big year for having a Great time watching movies I'd been intimidated by for years (Tokyo Gore Police (2008) and The Woman (2011) are both probably somewhere in my top 20). This took the living up to the hype cake though. Absolutely recommend seeing it in a theater if you can. S/O to the group at my screening where half the squad had seen it before and the other half CLEARLY had no idea what they were getting into.

🎥 Watch on Tubi: here

💚 Santa Sangra (1989): The beauty of weird film club is that I have now seen enough Alejandro Jodorowsky movies to have controversial to actively bad opinions about them, which is to say it is unreal how much more I liked this than Holy Mountain. Certainly parts of it are leering and exploitative, in a way unavoidable to a movie of this kind containing both a circus and an insane asylum, but in a way that can only be born from a place of genuine fascination if not active compassion towards its subjects. Its a fascinating balance to watch. Plus by the end I was just fully and genuinely really invested in those kids getting themselves sorted out.

🎥 Watch on Tubi: here

💚 The Substance (2024): Nothing like a primal scream of rage about the beauty industry and stigma of aging where you can also tell that the director is having a fucking blast the whole time. The thing that really got me about this movie... Well okay the thing that really Got Me about this movie was the 20 minute operatic blood explosion. I am who i am. But the OTHER thing that really got me about this movie was how committed it was to deliberately creating its own reality. You love to see something made with this much clear and focused Intention in the year of our lord 2024.