#fucking hate that im trying to convince myself to just suck it up and deal when all I want to do is sleep because I can’t miss work bc-

[artnerd1123]

im so goddamn tired.

[sparedot-blog1]

I’m 29 now. My life’s not gotten much better. 2 boyfriends, 19 jobs, crippling alcoholism, copious amounts of unprotected random sex with strange men, lost 3 best friends, picked up a meth addiction again after 10 or whatever the fuck years now I’ve got a group of tiny dick little bitch psychopaths who are fucking putting child porn hidden in photos because they have nothing better to do than try to ruin my life and I’m pretty sure I fucked around and ended up at the like main operations base but it doesn’t fucking matter none of it does because even after all these years and legitimately just trying to be a nice genuine person to everyone I’m still perpetually hated and always made to be left alone holding everyone’s baggage while they run off and live laugh love the new life’s they get.

Sometimes I just really don’t care I wish I wish I could be the fuck all bitch who hurts people steals and honestly I wish I could be a shitty person because I could cause so much damage with a matchbook.

But the true presence of balance is being able to hold the lit matchbook to dry forest and not letting the wind pull a flame.

I found I’m a witch I guess I was living with some cult coven thing where they worship dick I’m not gonna try to spell the other word they used. That’s cool I guess my life sucks but the people who fuck me over get huge karmic lessons. If they pull through I guess karma dropped. One dude flipped his car, one dude idek he just poof disappeared. I can control flames occasionally and hear people’s thoughts.

Don’t ask me it’s a lot of fucked up shit I never asked for and I’m not 100% convinced I’m not in a coma from when my ex threw me down a flight of stairs.

What do you get when you give hope a chest and iron, an impossible task because everyone will continue to throw their demons at it hoping they will not have to deal with the darkness.

Im still on the fence over my suicide honestly now that I’m back on meth I figure it will end up killing me firstly that’s always kinda been my plan or the people who continue to call me a pedophile when they’re the only one’s looking it up to hid it in my pictures to get me in trouble for god knows what they can try I guess but the karma thing.

So if the cops come for me yes I’m killing myself because I don’t feel like dying in jail over false charges or getting my dick chopped off um but if my life just randomly decides to start looking up then maybe I might stick around but again bro I didn’t want to live in 2017 it’s 2024 like fuck me man lol I don’t really think a man needs much more convincing to yeet the fuck in front of a train.

lol

Fuck it. ✌🏻

[wickedmoonsoul]

This is something I would prefer to write in my journal, but I left it inside the house and I currently can’t get to it, so I’m just going to write it in here.

Last night me and my gf had this fight, it really sucked. We were talking about how our little chihuahua puppy needs a friend, and foe lol. She’s a handful and wants to fight all the time, so we thought if she had a kitty friend they’d probably play a lot. Unfortunately we live with my parents, and they hate cats. I recalled a time we had a cat here at the house and my parents couldn’t STAND it, it was only there because my ex had brought it, and she was living with us. So I told my gf “yeah, we used to-“ and i fucking froze because i didnt want to talk about the cat knowing it was my ex’s cat, and I knew she would ask me who’s cat it was or how i got it or something and I’d have to bring up my ex, so i just completely avoided it after. After that, she looked really upset and looked down at her phone and got quiet /.\ i asked if she was okay or upset, and at first she kept saying she was fine, but you know how you can feel when that’s not true. Then…wtf, idk for some reason i cant remember what happened next, like i cant remember word for word what was said and i dont want to make something up in replacement, i just know i ended up telling her how i was gonna tell her there was a cat here but it was my ex’s, i thought thats what she was upset about, but then she said no, it was because i said “yeah, we used to-“. She was upset about the “we” part, she thought i was still categorizing my ex with me as a we, like ew i just get ick even writing that. That person abused me mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. I know everyone says there ex’s are narcissists, sociopaths, all that..but i really fucking lived it. I have been traumatized through that whole experience, and all i felt in that relationship was STUCK. Honestly i can go on, and i was about to but its not even the point, i just cant stress how blessed and happy i feel every day to have escaped that situation, yeah escaped. I had my mom come rescue me across the states..had donations set up to help. When I met my gf i was still in the middle of the divorce, still retraumatizing myself for evidence (yet i never sued because i didnt have the money nor mental capacity..) and she was there for it a little, but even as friends i couldnt talk to her about it, because she never wanted to hear about it, and it would upset her..she had feelings for me fairly quickly so she just didn’t really listen to me about it..for a while i had grown resentful because i was always curious about her past relationships so i know how to better care and love her, understand her wounds. Whenever she brought them up i NEVER complained. For a while she was convinced i still loved my ex, which would frustrate me leading me to confess about my resentment. Down the line of our relationship i eventually got the chance to speak about it, and she had seen videos of the verbal abuse, and physical photos. Im not even sure if she had seen the bruises photos tbh /: im too scared to ask. I know i still need to go to therapy to deal with the trauma i dealt with, that was 3 years of confusing pain. Anyway, she knows all of that and saw it, she even heard this fucked up voicemail of hers. So idk i get caught off guard when she thinks i’d still have something for someone like that, she saw so much of the trauma.

Dude all of this was so long..i got a little off track, its just how my mind works, it goes into depth about so many fucking things. Im just trying to keep it together and understand it all. Anyway..

I meant we as in me and my family here in the house, we had a cat living here at one point. I tried explaining this to her and she started behaving as if she didn’t believe me..i started to panic because a few months ago something like this happened where she believed i had sex with someone, and she fell into this delusion so deeply that she truly believed it, even though this was a close friend of mine who was married and she went through all our messages and her “evidence” was me telling her i love you for giving me makeup ideas to buy my gf a birthday gift and she was into all the new trends and fads so i asked her, i do love all my friends and this friend of mine had helped me so much through my previous relationship and even came out here with her bestfriend to hangout because my dog passed away, she also just happened to be in town because she lives 4 hours away, and was staying in a neighboring city next to our town, so she wanted to cheer me up. This was a genuine friend who NEVER romanticized me or showed any sign of interest besides friendship..i tend to struggle with friendships because they end up falling for me idk, i dint want to sound like im full of myself because i dont even understand why..anyway, I let my gf call my friend because she asked, and my friend spoke about her husband and my gf started screaming at her all these bad words and hungup and she stormed out the house in the middle of an episode, and she disappeared on the 30th of december and i fucking fell apart, she went missing for 5 days , i thought she fucking killed herself cuz her phone went off the next morning at 11am . Her last words to me were “ i hate you dont come looking for me dont contact me leave me tf alone how could you do this to me fuck you” and she sped off in her car . I cried all new years eve. I didnt eat all those days she was gone, i almost lost my job because i abruptly left, i couldn’t work because i worked near ICU cleaning the patients room and seeing all the dying patients triggered so much pain and fear and worry. She was reported missing, we had helicopters looking all over the mountains and her phone remained off all those days. We found her car at a hospital but they told us she had been discharged the next day december 31, and walked off, (they had to lie) it had been 2 days since that day, so where did she walk to . Police finally got info and she was traced to this mental hospital 3 hours away. Her mom called me and warned me to prepare because she was saying hurtful things, and yeah, when she called she was still in the middle of her episode..it was really hard and i cant imagine how she fucking felt. What she was going through to make her burst this way..in november we ran into this guy who assaulted her years ago and is the reason she was put in a dangerous situation and has so much trauma (gang related) which triggered this mental breakdown when we left the scene, and the following month, one of her bestfriends passed away..she had ignored this friend so she carried guilt /: then on Christmas she went through my phone and saw a status i had made days before talking about something i did to my exs chapsticks before i had escaped. I thought it was a funny thing to share but alas, i am an idiot. I know I shouldn’t have made such a stupid post about somebody who doesn’t matter. I realized how wrong i was when i saw how much it upset her..i still feel like a moron about it to this day, i know that was so unacceptable.. and then lead the complete breakdown on the 30th..i was just scared all of this was going to happen again so i kept blabbering things, but it’s like im trying too hard to control things and keep them from getting out of hand from before that i almost sound so fucking phoney…and all this lead me to these thoughts that have been brewing about my childhood trauma, like some deep wounded shit. I am such an emotional person but at the same time, im very detached from my emotions. I detach to better handle situations level headed but then i start panicking and get lost in emotions..

This can honestly go on forever, i swear we experience lifetimes with one another.

Man im tired, im gonna type the rest later..it gets even deeper man idk. Idk if ill ever get to write it. I guess i’ll see.

[id0ntneedf00d]

so a while ago i came to the realization that i have ocd, it runs on both sides of my family, ive had symptoms my whole life, my mom & older sister have ocd, and ive done research on it. im getting therapy soon so im going to obviously get help but i really really bad intrusive thoughts and i have to do things until its ‘just right’ or else i become physically uncomfortable & it hurts or i cant do certain things or else i think something bad will happen, i told my cousin about it a while ago and she was telling me how sorry she is about my intrusive thoughts and how she could never imagine having to deal it, but now out of no where she told me shes been having the same intrusive thoughts that she cant get rid of and then she said “dyk what that is” asking me if i know what disorder/mental illness she could have which is fucking weird because she knows what those type of thoughts can mean because ive cried to her about mine and my ocd and how debilitating it is. then she looks it up and of course ocd comes up and she just says “uhm im just going to ignore that” NO. im not trying to sound like im fucking gatekeeping ocd and obviously its not un common but dude. she has told me over and over again that she couldnt imagine having those thoughts and now she suddenly has them? (she also has a habit of thinking she has every mental illness) this is something ive struggled with for as i can remember and its only getting worse. ive sobbed for hours BEGGING someone to help me and genuinely considered offing myself because i cant take it anymore. ive convinced myself im a monster who deserves to be in jail. im SO ashamed of my thoughts and it makes me hate myself SO much, i cant even begin to explain it. it just feels a bit invalidating. now i know shes going to go down a huge thing of searching it up and making every little thing relate to her. shes going to think just because shes a perfectionist, she has ocd. being a perfectionist and having ocd are not the same thing at all. i know now bad this sounds, believe me, but it sucks so much.

[ouransisters]

I woke up this morning taking a longer time than usual to figure out what happened and what didn't happen so I think I need to take a step back from some stuff for a minute

While I have been watching Ranboo's streams recently, that stuff hasn't triggered me in the past. This happens when I expose myself to too many lights and sounds and thats what's been happening recently

I just need to take a step back and breathe. I've mostly been working really hard on getting set up for twitch, and building up my other social medias so I have a chance. Anything else is just too much and I need to calm down

At times like this i really miss the flute. Picking a scale and improvising was so soothing and got my frustrations out. Maybe once my health gets better I can start playing again, but im not risking the potential flare up. I'm already in sensory hell I'm not dealing with what the pain give me

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

[13uswntimagines]

Together (USWNT x Reader)

Request: team x reader where r gets hurt (needs crutches) during practice and the team is of course really worried for her and r stops eating and is upset and takes it out on the team the rest of camp (because she doesn’t think she can make it back in time for Tokyo) but it gets resolved after reader is crying and team is there to comfort her? (maybe some christen x reader) could you also do at the end where the reader either gets named to the roster/ the first game since injury?

You stared unseeingly at the hotel room ceiling, the doctor's words rolling endlessly through your mind. It was an accident, you knew that and you still loved Ali, but the situation fucking sucked. It wicked that her tackle had been late. It sucked that your ankle had gone in the opposite direction of your body. It really sucked that you had needed surgery to fix the compound fracture that had resulted in the collision. And it Really Really fucking sucked that you would “be lucky to walk without a limp for the rest of your life, much less run around on a field,”. 

You were only 22, and the doctor had basically but a death sentence on your career. The only reason you hadn’t been sent home was that your team moms Kelley and Alex hadn’t made the argument that there was no one there to take care of you. It would have been easier if they had let you leave. Then at least you would have more time to figure out how to tell them that you were never going to play soccer again. 

A knock sounded from the hotel room door, and you glanced at it for a few seconds, before retiring your attention to counting the texture in the ceiling, contemplating what the fuck you were supposed to do with the rest of your life. 

The knocking stopped for a second, before starting up louder. Maybe if you didn’t respond, they would think you were asleep and leave you alone. You didn’t want visitors right now anyway. No one else deserved to have the rest of their camp ruined with your sour mood. You needed to make them hate you so it wouldn’t hurt as much when you left. When they stopped talking to you because you weren’t useful anymore. When you lost the only family you had ever had. 

But the telltale click of the door lock told you that the women would not be so easily deterred. You didn’t bother to look at the women as they slid into bed beside you, Kelley on your left and Alex on your right. 

“What ya looking at kiddo?” Kelley asked, nudging your shoulder softly. 

“Just thinking,” You shrugged, your eyes never leaving the ceiling, even as Alex drew circles on your cheeks with her fingers, sharing worried looks with Kelley. Their little ray of sun was even more cloudy than it had been when they left earlier. One of them should have stayed with you. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Alex asked, brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear, trying to coax you to finally look at her. 

You bite your lip, your eyebrows furrowing as you try to get the words past the lump in your throat. 

“I can’t play,” 

You could practically feel Alex’s eye roll at the statement. And you frowned. She didn’t understand that this wasn’t just a temporary thing. 

“Don’t worry about that right now sweetie. Just worry about getting better,” She murmured, using a careful finger to tilt your head so you were making eye contact with her. You stared into her concerned blue eyes, praying that she couldn’t see just how much pain you were in. She didn’t need that burden. 

“Yeah ducky, just work on getting better and you’ll be tearing up the field with us again in no time,” Kelley added, propping her head on your shoulder. You rolled your eyes, nodding slightly. 

Normally they would have attacked you with tickles to get you to smile, but this time they didn’t. They simply sat up and offered you their hands. Even they had given up on you already, what was going to happen when they found out that you were useless to them now. 

“Now, dinners ready and you already skipped lunch today,” Alex said softly as you stared at their hands in discontent. 

“Wasn’t hungry,” You grumbled. The truth was that you didn’t want to confront your new reality. You wanted to stay in your little bubble and pretend that everything was going to work out fine. 

“Sure you weren’t,” Kelley laughed, growing tired of your resistance to them, and grabbing your shoulder to force you into a sitting position. 

“What we mean is that you’re not getting out of it,” Alex shot Kelley a disapproving look, but helped Kelley hoist you up. Her forehead wrinkled when you didn’t laugh at their antics, and instead just crossed your arms. 

“I hate you guys,” You huffed, pouting. 

“No you don’t, now, up you get,” Kelley laughed, kissing your cheek. 

“I can do it myself,” You hissed once you were sitting upright. You grabbed your crutches and forced yourself to your feet. The crutches rubbed uncomfortably against your ribs, but you ignored it. You didn’t need any more help. You didn’t need to give them any more reason to leave you. 

“Stubborn as always,” Kelley sighed, opening the door for you, and you held in your groan. They probably wouldn’t even miss you. 

The ride to the dining room was spent in uncomfortable silence. Neither woman quite sure how to broach the subject of your foul mood. 

“Hey gimpy, need help with your plate,” Ashlyn smiled, clapping you on the shoulder and nearly knocking you over. Kelley glared at her, reaching out a hand to steady you. 

“I got it,” You grumbled, shrugging off their steadying hands and beginning to maneuver yourself towards the food table. You didn���t want to eat (what was the point) but if you didn’t, they would make an even bigger deal than they already were. 

They watched you struggle for a moment, trying to balance a plate and hobble along the food table. Ali sighed, standing and making her way over to you.

“I’ll help you, this is my fault after all,” she said softly, grabbing the plate before you dumped its contents onto the floor by accident. 

“I said I got it,” You huffed, looking away from the woman, frowning as Christen joined you. God, you weren’t a child. You could get a plate of food by yourself. Ignoring the good intentions of your crush, you ground your teeth toge

“Is this all you’re going to eat? You need to keep your strength up kid,” Kelley scoffed at your choice of three dinosaur nuggets. 

“Like it matters now? I can’t play so what’s the point,” You grumbled, ripping the plate out of Ali’s hand and struggling to the closest seat. Christen sat down heavily beside you, followed by Ali, Ash, Kelley and Alex. 

“I’m sorry Y/n,” Ali whispered. It killed her to see you so distraught. To know that she was the reason you were so upset. 

You glanced up from your nuggets, making eye contact with the woman. You took note of the pained crinkles by her eyes. She didn’t have a right to be in pain. You were the one who just had their future destroyed. 

“I know,” You shrugged halfheartedly, playing with your nuggets rather than eating them. 

“You sound super convincing,” Ashlyn rolled her eyes. 

“Well, what would you like me to say?” You snipped back, quirking your eyebrow up at her. 

“We’re not your enemy babe,” Christen soothed, rubbing you back. 

“I know I’m just-.” You huffed, shaking your head frustratedly. What were you? You were angry, sad, a complete and total washout now. What was the point? You paused, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. To do what needed to be done. It would hurt less in the end. “I’m tired and not hungry and I just wanna go to bed,” You finished, staring down at your untouched nuggets. Your hands fidgeted in your lap for a second before you reached for your crutches. 

Your fingertips brushed the dreaded walking device at the wrong angle, sending it crashing to the ground. Just like your dreams. You shoved your plate away, leaning as far as you could in your chair to retrieve the crutch, only for the other one to join it on the floor. You glared at the items, oblivious to the worried mother hens watching you fall apart over being unable to get them on your own. 

It was Christen who took potty on you, lifting the crutches off the floor and presenting them to you. “Let me help you,” she smiled sadly, and you grit your teeth. Your cheeks flamed red as you grabbed the items. 

“Aw kid, don’t feel bad, we all need a little help sometimes,” Ashlyn smiled kindly. The rage and embarrassment boiled inside you. They didn’t fucking get it. 

“Im not a fucking invalid. I don’t need your fucking help. I don’t need these or anything else,” You growled, throwing your crutch across the room and into the food fable with a crash, the other on suffering the same fate as you forced yourself to stand. Pain shot down your leg, but you ignored it, determined to prove to them all that you could do it yourself. 

The room sat in stunned silence. They knew you were upset, but you had never ever lashed out like this before. 

Christen was the first person to jump into action. She held her hands out as she approached you, as if you were a wounded puppy she needed to show she meant no harm. 

“Babe, don’t, you’ll just make it worse and if you ever wanna come back..-“ she tried softly, wrapping her arm under your armpit in an attempt to prevent you from putting weight on your injured foot. You shrugged her off, taking a bold (and excruciatingly painful step forward). What was the point. You would never see the pitch again anyway. 

“You just don’t fucking get it so you? I’ll never ever get to come back. That sloppy tackle made it so I’ll be lucky to walk normally again, much less kick a fucking ball,” You spat, tears finally making their way down your face. 

You could feel the weight of the teams putting gaze. The heaviness that filled the room, like a wave of realization crashing over them. You kept your eyes on the floor, you hand clenching and unclenching around nothing, eating for them to disown you. For the next logical step to happen. 

“Y/n,” Ali started, tears evident in her voice, but your venomous scowl stopped her. “I’m fucking useless now, so just fucking drop it, alright?!” 

You attempted to take another step, using the chair as support, and forcing yourself forward. You nearly collapsed as your full weight landed on your very injured foot. You were stubborn, and you were determined to give them a reason for you to stay. You wobbled, nearly keeling over from the pain, gritting your teeth to stop the anguished cry from threatening to spill out. 

You pulled yourself back upright, about to take another step away from the chair supporting you, but soft calming hands on your shoulders stopped you. “Y/n Stop. You’re going to hurt yourself, more, and then we’ll have even bigger odds to beat,” Christen murmured into your ear, hugging you back into her chest and supporting your weight as she sat back into a chair and pulled you into her lap.  

“Yeah kid, fuck what the doctors say. You’re amazing and so stubborn that I dare them to try and keep you down,” Kelley added, coming to kneel in front of you, her hand in your knee. 

“Plus you’ve got all of us behind you, no matter what,” Alex said, coming up behind her. A sob ripped from your throat. That was your greatest fear. That they would leave you. Your family only tolerated you when they wanted something when you were successful, so you thought your soccer family would feel the same. 

“You promise?” You asked softly. 

“Absolutely kid,” Alex and Kelley said together firmly. You nodded and allowed the women to hold you as you cried. You would all get through this. Together. 

*****

You bounced lightly on your feet, cracking your neck as you waited for the match to start. There had been a tremendous amount of time and effort put into this moment. Hours upon hours of rehab, soccer training and therapy, but here you were in the starting 11 for the Olympic finals. 

“You ready baby?”  Christen hummed, her arms wrapping around you, kissing your cheek before resting her chin on your shoulder. 

You smiled, grabbing her hand. The woman had been instrumental in your recovery, and though it had taken you an embarrassingly, long time to ask her out, you had sacked up. You loved the woman so much that it scared you, and now she was your girlfriend (bum leg or not). “Always baby,” 

You had come a long way, and you had so much further to go. You would win like you always did. Together. 

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

[pankowfruitsnacks]

Okay, first of all I have this JJ one that's gonna be frenemies to lovers type of deal where the reader ruins what could've been JJ's next conquest and obviously he's mad about it and she's like "What are you gonna do fuck me instead?" And from that I honestly don't have any clue of what direction is gonna take.

The second one is another JJ one and it's the third part of my mini series called "The Black Dahlia" where basically the heyward! reader is gonna be reckless and it's gonna be a bunch of fluff with them just enjoying and life and it's also gonna be the end that I won't talk about bc spoilers.

The third one is a Rudy Pankow one is the sequel to "I made you" and it's gonna be angsty and fluffy but mostly just the reader and him struggling with keeping their fake relationship believable until they are ready to announce their break up.

The fourth one is one that I don't think I'm gonna ever finish bc it's just nasty and filthy smut and there's nothing wrong with it or anything, I just can't bring myself to finish it for some reason, like, I feel dirty just by thinking about it, but idk maybe I'll change my mind. It's also JJ x reader.

The fifth one is also JJ's and it's complete enemies to lovers, I even made a playlist for it, it's so long and complicated and I love it. The kook! reader is dating another kook to help her dad with a business deal so the family doesn't go bankrupt, but obviously she's not happy, her dad didn't force her to do it, she willingly did it but still, it sucks. One day JJ finds the reader in an inconvenient situation that rises the tension between them, Pope and John are tired of their constant fighting and force them to solve it, where we find out they both have very valid reasons to hate the other but they're willing to overlook them because the sexual tension is too much. After that things get so much more complicated, from Kiara who's in her kook year finding out about their little affair, to a plot twist that it's not common.

The sixth one is Andrew! Peter Parker / college! Peter Parker x reader and bc I love it sm I'm gonna say as little as possible bc I am gonna post it soon. It's been six months since the reader left the apartment they lived in and things are the worst they've ever been, the dog they both adopted with the illusion of having a future together is just as miserable as Peter, one day the boy gets sick when he's supposed to walk their son and decides to call the reader who just so happens to be driving to where he is because she saw spiderman's last fight was in the rain and figured he wasn't feeling so well.

The seventh one is another Andrew! Peter Parker x reader and it's about the reader being really attracted to Peter and hating it, which is why she sets her mind to start investigating him to at least find one flaw she can rely on to use as excuse to convince herself she doesn't like him, there are just a few minor inconveniences with her plan: one, in order to really know Peter Parker she has to know Peter Parker and accept the consequences that come along like talking to him, talking to him and talking to him. Two, Peter has had a crush on her for quite sometime and her abruptly entering his life definitely doesn't help it.

And yeah... Those are my drafts

You’re a busy busy bee.

For the first one you could maybe combine it with the fourth so it could been more plot with a side of smut rather than straight filth. I’m such a sucker for enemies to lovers.

AND IM LEGIT SCREAMING BC I REMEMBER READING BLACK DAHLIA BEFORE WORK ON WATTPAD VIVIDLY. Like that’s one of the few pieces I remember reading and being like “i hope one day I could write like this” it really propelled me to try and do better with my writing. But I will put my foot down, yoh have to complete this asap. Don’t focus on anything else (except maybe, I made you.)

I have reread that one a million times. It’s beautifully written and I just love it.

The fifth one is putting me in a choke hold because the fact she willingly is in it makes sense. Kinda like the id do anything for family. And then contrast to JJ, he would do anything for his friends and they could definetly find some common ground on the principals.

I haven’t read too many Peter Parker fics but I’m for sure reading this. The way she still cared and they are both struggling. Sometimes people makes it seem so easy to move on but six months is where it’s for sure starting to feel real. It’s that time when you realize they are really gone and you start moving on. I just love this whole idea.

And we love a good detective. I’d definetly do something like this just to find a flaw.

[wasteyrselfkid]

on turning 21 and other things,

(tw: suicide, mental illness)

i'm okay with being alone on most days, in fact, i love being all alone in my room all day. a book i read a while ago said 'i never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude' and i agree for the most part but sometimes the loneliness gets so overwhelming that being alone feels almost scary, especially on your birthday. i guess loneliness really sets in when you're finishing another revolution around the earth all alone in your bedroom but it's not like i felt any less lonely when I was surrounded by people i know in a crowded club in delhi. I guess what im trying to say is that I am bound to feel this sense of loneliness on every birthday. I fell asleep after writing the last sentence because it got too much even though I told my best friend I need to lie down and cut the call. maybe I just wanted to end the day on a sad note because that's what I've known since I stopped opening birthday gifts on the living room floor at my old house after all my friends left... and i was too distracted or unaware for a lack of better word that everything is not as great as it might seem for a moment.

i never finished writing this and it's been almost a month since i've turned 21. i won't lie i never thought i'd make it to 21. i'm surprised but i won't say i'm not disappointed. last year, on my birthday, once again alone in my room - crying, i promised myself that i'm going to try to become better in every way possible and actually put in the little will and hope i have into taking care of myself and see how it goes till my next birthday. if it doesn't work out, 21 doesn't sound like the worst age to disappear. i made it to 21, a little better in every way possible, still fucking sad from time to time, but i did everything i could or so i say. but i made the same promise myself to again and to be fair, it's not a bad deal. it's ironic that i'm postponing my demise in hopes that i get better, not even happy and content, just better. isn't that what everyone does until they realise it doesn't get better? i won't lie, on a day like today, it feels like it won't get better. but the little voice at the back of my head tries to convince me that it does and until my next birthday, i'll try believing her.

i don't think my life sucks, i don't think i suck either, i just find it extra hard to live life the way its supposed to be lived - to wake up, brush my teeth, work, talk to my friends and family, all of it. it doesn't come easily to me and it never has. even though, anyone who is even close to me or lives in the same house as me, would think that i've got my shit together in every sense possible - i wake up, brush my teeth, work, talk to friends and family, all of it. but every night before i go to bed, i can feel life draining out of me. every consecutive day it gets harder to wake up, i can't even fathom brushing my teeth on some days, and at times, for weeks. i don't know if this is how life is supposed to be lived, in fact, i know even if there's no one correct way to live - this definitely does not come under it. i guess having a couple of screws loose in your head makes you feel grey in every sense possible. even on your birthday. even when you're going to meet your best friend after months. even when you achieve things. it's tiring to experience pain so greatly and pleasure so fleetingly.

thinking about the future has never been exciting, not when i was 13, not now, not ever. how can something that i cannot guarantee be exciting? if anything, it's nerve-wracking. but to disappear forever as a last resort, if nothing works out, is so so so comforting. even though it's at the cost of disappointing everyone around you, but when you've been selfless your entire life - putting everyone else before yourself, this amount of disappointment is warranted for. and i hate the idea of not ending your life because it will disappoint other people, and i never think about this but what about me? how do i feel? i don't know how i feel about turning 21, i don't feel a lot of things these days. i've been living on autopilot. i don't feel the same love i felt for my friends. i can see my family disintegrating day by day and it has been years, i can only wait for it to crumble completely now. i don't feel as scared about losing my boyfriend anymore. i don't feel excited or nervous about future prospects. i don't feel anything about how i look, i don't even care to look at myself in the mirror anymore. i don't feel much but i do think a lot.

everyday i get closer and closer to just disappearing, not dying, but just disappearing from everywhere and everyone's lives. what kind of life is it when you're exhausted at the thought of speaking to your closest friends? what kind of life is it when your favourite hobbies start feeling like chores that require you to move mountains? what kind of life is it when you look into the mirror or your front camera and you don't recognise yourself anymore? what kind of life is it when you don't even care to listen to music or watch movies and use books as an escape, not for pleasure, but just to feel like you're doing something, if nothing at all? what kind of life is it when you don't feel like taking pictures of anything anymore, but you do anyway, because what if your next birthday is your last and people will have more of something to remember you by?

i guess what i'm trying to say is that turning 21 doesn't feel any different than turning any other age, my entire life has been one big blob of grey and as i get older, the blob keeps getting greyer and smaller. i found time to write this today because something disrupted my autopilot mode routine - i did nothing, i cried a little, i smoked a cigarette and thought about all the work i had to do, i skipped my workout. that made me feel shitty enough to sit down and continue writing this. i wonder if when i started writing this, it was meant to be much more hopeful - about how i enjoy solitude and i don't need anyone. and this still holds true. on most days, i'd rather be alone than with anyone. i can probably go days without speaking to people. but what kind of life is it...to enjoy solitude because you're too tired for anything else? and what kind of life is it that requires you to function like a robot to feel alright? and what kind of life is it that this is the kind of blog-post you write on turning 21?

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[itsthe-neo-zone]

Wands and potions: NCT Dream & WayV 

Please read the Masterlist before continuing ahead with the upcoming chapter. Thank you.

A/N: I apologize for taking so long to post (im a mess) but i had some issues to deal with, personal things at home and some family members were feeling sick so things were a mess, as always I hope you enjoy the chapter and I’ll try to get back on track. I’m sorry if my posts aren’t up to the standard I usually output in. 

Chapter 17:

[Lyra’s Pov]

[10th Jan 2005]

The first memory I had of my parents was a fight. It was one of my earliest. And one id never forget. The shouts and screams being thrown about. It was hazy and only when I began whimpering and crying weakly the blond male lifted me up into his hold. His cold icy eyes warming up for me. Melting the frozen glacier of cerulean into a deep royal navy.

I’ve been hidden from everyone and anyone around me for their safety and their status in the social wizarding world. I was a child that wasn’t ever supposed to be born and it was hurtful the longer the secret was kept. Whilst my siblings were given all the love and care in the world, lived to be around them in a comforting lovable world. I was left to be brought up by myself. Alone.

[06:18PM]

“You deserve to know, and I deserve to be treated like I’m desired, like I’m loved and wanted.” I murmured quietly my voice came out fragile and broken, its displayed the 14 years of raw emotion behind it.

“Remember when you told me you really felt we were like sisters?” I saw Selene’s expression warp into confusion her lips between teeth as she sat next to me her eyes shaking nervously. She didn’t want to glance into my own, but she nodded confirming my words.

“Well we could be, if Scorpius believes me... when I tell him, I- I’m his half-sister. His blood sister...” Selene stared as if I'd just produced a rhinoceros from my pocket. Though the expression on Scorpius face was unreadable. It was a mix of confusion, guilt and denial.

“Please say something.” I pleaded, he needed to respond. In any way possible, I needed to know how he felt. My heart was being torn by the second, this was worse than being stabbed multiple times and left to bleed to death...

“I can’t- i don’t know- how do I?” he sighed, exasperatedly. “I need some time to think about this.” He stood his eyes frantically looking around, Scorpius looked anxious wanting to leave, and even though it was freezing cold he was loosening the green tie around his neck.

“Please, don’t tell anyone. You can’t let anyone know.” I stood desperately wanting to hold or grab him. I yearned for his acceptance for so many years. My only sibling I cared about. This had to be kept a personal family secret as well.

“Scorpius, are you ok? Do you need me to-” “NO, no- I’m fine,” it came through gritted teeth...

“Selene, just stay with her? I need some space.” He quickly takes his leave frantically looking off, not once did he look back at us.

“Give him some time, he’ll come back. Don’t worry.”

“How are you taking this?” I turn to Selene who was hugging me, her arm on my back comforting me. She seemed dazed, her eyes were clouded. It’s like she wasn't here.

“You were already my sister; all you did was give me confirmation.” She held me close pulling me into her hold.

“Thank you, for being here.” I whisper clutching her robes her hair tickling the side of my face. I was glad to have her around me.

[06:25PM]

Pieces of mirror shatter breaking into a shower of tiny pieces; the amount of negative energy in the air was boundless. “Scorpius please calm down.” the rage in him needed to get out somehow? He wasn’t himself.

“He lied! HE LIED TO ME AND HER!” the bloodcurdling cry echoed; his mouth wide open as he released his inner demons. The scream made all the hair on his body stand. Albus wanted to stop him. To help him.

He couldn’t.

“He had another child, behind her back, she was thrown to the side. Like it was nothing!” The sobbing continued gales began to swirl and enter through the sides of the bathroom. Unknowingly, he was brewing a whirlwind. A storm hitting, equal to the force it felt inside him. It was building for weeks now and all Lyra did was confirm the reality.

His vice was strained, and it hurt like hell, but he continued letting all the pain and sorrow out. His head was pounding now. He wanted it to stop. Scorpius yearned for the numb feeling

“Stop you’re going to hurt yourself.” We he? Scorpius wished He’d hurt himself. Maybe that pain would distract him from the searing agony he was feeling. Pain sears through his abdomen better than a branding iron, his mind conceding to the torment, unable to bring a thought to completion.

Everything had been a lie.

“Want it to end. Please.” The crouched figure in the centre of the room strained himself. He didn’t want to be here anymore. “leave.”

Albus couldn’t do that. He couldn’t leave his friend in such a vulnerable and defenceless position. “let me help you.” A crack in his voice, it shows the pain he was feeling it reflected into Albus. the young boy stumbled back pushing from the sheer force of the gales that tormented Scorpius this whole time.  

“I SAID GO!”

The pain was increasing in waves; getting bigger by the second, giving false hope of an end. But it would never end.

It was too loud to hear anything at this point the push of the wind tore bits off the wooden cubicle doors. Becoming spinning daggers of anger within the whirling storm.

Scorpius increased the howling gusts, faster and faster until they sheathed him with a spray of sprinkled sharp edges and crusted glass, they shimmered in the ill lit bathroom; the gloomy skies reflecting its dusty grey cold rays.

“Scorpiu-”

Albus had no way of coming near him he was forced out of the bathroom having no choice but to leave his friend in there suffering alone. The soft tears fell down the boy’s face, he hated the haunted feeling of having no form of control over the situation.

 Across the empty acres of land, empty silent castle hauntingly still not much moving, was two figures perched up upon the north towers. A forbidden duo, though ones that felt comforted in another’s presence. The light breeze slowly yet surely trying to pull against their night robes.

“I want to get over the anxiety I have, I want to control my feelings not the other way.” murmured to the male, she had been spending most of her time. Days -and starting now- her nights were spent with the devilish Durmstrang boy.

“It’s not easy.” he spun on his own two feet looking across the edge of the tower towards her. Selene was perched upon the handle of the metallic barrier.

“I know. but I want to at least try. Will you help me?” Selene was in her sleeping robes she was twiddling with her wand spending most her days with him she had gotten extremely comfortable with the male who she has come to know for his sharp tongue and the ability to be quite convincing.  

“I will. But first you need to show that you can trust me.”

“I do, I trust you.” Selene leaned off just a little further. She was content in being here silently with him. But was he? did he enjoy their secret nights alone?

“Do you think I can be like them?” letting her hair cascade past her figure, taking orders from the wind it wrapped over her -like the tentacles of the giant squid- across her body.

“Like them?” Repeating the words; he asked for more.

“My ancestors. I want to find out more.” It was like a persistent hunger that couldn’t be satiated. From a fairly long time, it was that absence of complete acceptance and love. Deep down she understood that but was she never going to admit it?

“You want to follow the prophecy?” a hesitant nod answered his questioning. the endless chewing on her dry lips and thoughts fighting against one another proved to show the utter confusion in what she really wanted. The certainty was on one thing though “I want to belong.”

“A girl, Dominique, from Beauxbaton.” Leaving the edge Selene moved towards the boy getting slightly closer. “She mentioned that the Lestrange ancestral family had a connection to France.”

“You think it could be important?” she pondered over his words for a moment. “Didn’t you mention that Grindelwald had his convocation in Paris France?”

“He did. But what’s-”

“I can find out more, what happened? Who I am.” Curling back into herself Selene hummed a soft tune she was comforted by her own arms wrapping around herself. Making her feel the soft pressure upon her own body.

“Selene.” Yangyang mumbled as he stepped closer sitting next to her “When you were at the mirror, the first time we met, it showed you something.” he grasped her two hands in his softly rubbing his slender fingers over her palm. His eyes were captivating.

“it showed me myself.”

“it showed you something else along with it.” He edged, the slight smile on his face and his eyes boring into selenes pushed her to continue. It felt as if everything was surreal, it was all a dream, why was everything so easily spilling past her lips.

“What I wanted; I want to find myself.” Capturing his eyes she glanced at the void contained the magnitude of the earth and the blackhole sucking the shimmers of light inwards. Nothing could escape.

“I promise I can help you do that, but you can’t go to France just yet.”

“I can’t go to France…” Selene murmured his eyes were captivating. As time passed slowly, she fell deeper into his gaze.

“Yes, you have something to do. First.”

 [13th October]

“Someone has taken a large noticeable dose of tentacle juice, from the private potions storage. If anyone has any known whereabouts or knows of anyone having sources, you must inform your head of year or head of house. Thank you.”

“Are you fucking kidding me-” shifting to take seat next to her position next to the others the raven-haired witch sat calmly the frustration only evident in her voice. “-they wake us up at 8am for this?”

“Yeah, some bastard nicking a few drops of poison…” Irene adds muttering, every single student for a 20-meter radius was yawning uncontrollably and dozing off on the study tables but once awake you needed to prepare for breakfast.

“Where were you this morning?” Ravelle had a sly smile on her lips as she pondered not so innocently over the whereabouts of the ginger witch before her.

“Out taking a short walk.” Blowing out an exasperated huff Selene stood taking her leave from the depressing and sleep deprived circle, “You know there’s only so much ‘Ravelle’ I can take in one day.” Sarcasm slipping past her voice was what made the sneaky witch drop her innocent act.

“Really, I’ve only asked you one question you shouldn’t be so defensive… unless there is something for you to hide?”

Selene stopped in her tracks, movement stuttering for a second. The wrapping of a dusty cloth rough in her hands.

“I have nothing to hide.” The outrage in her voice was enough to alert those around them that somewhat of a fight was about to start and, like the usual- all hell was about to break loose.

“Though I must let you know that I am exceeding the amount of ‘bitchiness’ I can take from you in a day so mind if I leave?” she widened her eyes turning to face the raven and nodded frivolously, she feigned sorrow for her and a sympathetic smile came to her face as she left.

“Thought you’d never ask…” Ravelle murmured the words she wasn’t interested in Selene herself. The antics she had grown accustomed to, -since that night with the celebratory introduction Selene had been on edge, spitting back ruthlessly and harsh words were leaving her lips- Ravelle eyed the linen wrap in her hands, it covered something, and it was important, no doubt delicate by the way she was cradling it to her core like a mother would do to her babe.

   [1st November]

Many days passed and winter edged nearer, visibly shortening the once lengthy and enjoyable days. The cold let soft cotton and thick clothes layer up with the many peaking noses out of scarves turn red and pink. 

The clouds of air exhaled when talking put things together but what really allowed the community to know the ending of summer solstice was the thick coat of white sheen that glistened in the early morning rays, covering the lands and lulling them to sleep.

“Anyone received any personal invites to the yule ball?” Albus whispered to the young brunette. The two now becoming much friendlier than usual were confiding in themselves after all they both had Scorpius to worry about.

“No not yet.” She glanced at him weary of the random questioning. lyra had enough on her plate already. It was harsh and difficult that her only brother wasn’t talking to her and Selene was sleeping off half her days and running of at night.

“If this is about Selene the-” “It’s not.”

“Then who-”

“I’m just asking.” She shuffled to turn towards him, sceptically reading his face the Slytherin shifted uncomfortably. “Such a liar.”

“You dummy, I can see it in your eyes. Who pushed you to do this? This is about Selene.”

“It isn’t, I swear.” His hands flew up in retaliation. The silent pause of scepticism made him sigh in relief when she dropped the accusations.  

“I’m sick of this, it’s all going to hell and I cant get any of them to even sit and talk to me. It’s awful.” Lyra whined her frustration could be seen in the way she tugged at her roots the hair lengthier than it was a few weeks ago.

“Scorpius isn’t ready to face this ye-.”

“-Hell never be ready then. Albus I can’t wait any more. How does he think I feel?” the brunette boys turned into saucers at the sudden interruption. She had been waiting for the past 3 weeks and it was getting agitating for a while, but nobody understood her. The way she felt.

“Whats wrong with Selene then? He can’t talk now so whats the issue with your ginger friend?”

“Oh don’t get me started with her.” She shifts in her seat lyra was starting to remember the situations Selene was in, breaking her heart for the past fortnight. “She’s gone, really lost it.”

“Sleeps all day and sneaks out at night, its odd Selene would have never done such a thing.” She mutters, the frown on her face showed her feeling of betrayal. “I can’t get her to spend any time with me at all, it’s always ‘Yangyang this Yangyang that’!”

“Wait.”

“You mean Durmstrang Liu” if his eyes were saucers back then they were as wide as cauldrons. His hands clenched up visibly the whole demeanor he possessed was stiffened within a second, Lyra didn’t comprehend the change until she spared him a quick glimpse.

“Yeah him,” she blinked dropping her head further into her grasp as she questioned his body language “Whats got you so surprised, most girls already know!”

“Liu Yangyang that German-Taiwanese boy?” the voice crack gave him away, there was definitely something wrong, but Lyra had no clue what was happening to him, what kind of reaction was that.

“Hold on know what?” he interrupted again.

“Well, supposedly they’re in a relationship, and I don’t know… but he’s really affecting Selene.”

“They can’t be though?” the denial in his voice was giving all the wrong signals and signs, Lyra turned towards him fully, hands out of hair and eyes skimming his face, his expression wasn’t helping the previous accusations planted upon him by her.

“Why Albus? Do you like her or something?”

What came out of his mouth after wasn’t a big shocker or anything but lyra was shocked to find out such a revelation and from him, Albus, who seemed to have no clue who the boy is.

“No, its just. He has a girlfriend already,”

“Yeah Selene.” The response came quick.

“No, he’s engaged to her, its not Selene. She’s back in Germany.” He was referring to another girl, that Selene wasn’t the only one in a relationship with the male and it made Lyra's blood boil.

“HE’S TWO-TIMING?”

The two had another issue to deal with, Selene couldn’t find out, even if it meant lying to her. She wouldn’t be able to handle what was to come.

@ajuniceuajuniceu​ @kkuljungwoo​ @sensiblebutch​ @kangkinoa​ @nctzen2020​ @mystic-jungkook​ @merryandhappylele​ @bcbymingi​ @mochischeeks  @rilakunma​ @jaehyunspaghetti​ @commentgirl​ @99jjh​ @johnnys-wifeu​ @misaraem @apricottulips​ @h2ogamergirl @angelsnowflake​

[sunplanter]

XXX

[coldflasher]

2020 is almost over (thank GOD) so let’s talk about where im up to with fics, my fic plans for 2021, etc etc. obligatory disclaimer that i’m making a determined effort to focus on original work this year so i can’t make any promises about when any of these things will see the light of day, but hey, accountability and all that

okay okay so. current wips include:

aftermath: one shots

- one that’s set during season 4, after barry gets framed for devoe’s murder and gets sent to iron heights. len is like ‘there’s no way you’ll survive prison without me, for fuck’s sake barry, i’m coming in after you’ and basically he deliberately gets locked up alongside him. they share a cell, it’s great. basically just an excuse for prison smut, honestly. this one’s like 70% drafted and won’t need many edits, but probably won’t post until i have ALSO written:

- the second aftermath one-shot, based on 4x01 when barry comes out of the speedforce with a scrambled brain from experiencing his whole life on loop for months. the angst!! i need it!! i’m gonna write this one first bc it makes no sense to post a one-shot from mid s4 and then go back to the first episode, so. i have pretty clear plans for this one, it’ll be a little longer, but gonna try and keep it fairly tight, preferably no more than 10k. (you: helen, that’s not tight. me: IT’S TIGHT BY MY STANDARDS, LEAVE ME ALONE.)

- i’ll probably do more of these one shots as things come to me, i know people wanted me to do the whole zoom-breaking-barry’s-spine ep and len’s reaction, but honestly i am not emotionally equipped to rewatch that ep any time soon, so it’s on the list but when i’ll get to it, who knows

aftermath: sequel (michael snart)

- because over 500,000 words of content wasn’t enough for me, apparently!! len and barry’s son comes back from the future to save barry from an unknown crisis and inadvertently brings crisis with him. this is the fanfic equivalent of a strongly worded letter to the flash writers bc crisis sucked so i decided to do it my own way. current word count: 32k, aiming for around 50k. maybe 60k but please GOD no more than that. features len being a bad father but trying not to be, lots of teen angst, and dual timelines, cos i hate myself apparently.

vegas wedding one shot

- i wrote a terrible first draft of this for camp nanowrimo a few years back, revisited it during the march lockdown, rewrote about 80% of it and then... stopped. but im gonna finish it, i swear, cos i really love this one. in a nutshell, barry and len get whammied by a meta who convinces them that they’re in love and they have to get married Right Now, Actually. they run off to vegas, team flash has to chase them across the strip and try and stop them from getting hitched. super chaotic, around 20k. this one’s high priority cos it is SO close to done that i have no excuse.

coldwestallen hades/persephone fic

- hoo boy, strap yourselves in cos this one is gonna be a Long Boi. i responded to the feeling of emptiness that came with finishing one hellishly long fic by diving headfirst into another, because that’s healthy. very loosely inspired by the hades/persephone myth, with persephone spending six months with hades in the underworld and six months with her family aboveground. barry makes a deal for len’s help in a sticky situation in exchange for six months working as a member of the rogues. it turns out better than expected, so they keep making the same trade off - six months with team flash, six months as a rogue, with lots of angst as barry struggles to reconcile two very different, entirely separate lives, and two very different loves. enemies to friends to lovers between barry and len, friends to lovers between barry and iris, enemies to lovers between len and iris, it’s a lot. super slow burn, split into four parts, which will each probably be around 50k. at least, that’s what i’m aiming for. it’s also gonna be kinda Problematic, there’ll be some infidelity which i know isn’t a lot of people’s jam, so there’s a strong chance no one will read it, but bold of you to assume im writing this for anyone but myself. im deeply in love with this thing. i reckon i have about 50k for this already and it’s my new baby. god, i love it. no idea when i’ll ever show it to anyone though. see you in a few years maybe lmaooo

other than that, this year had one big casualty that failed before it really got off the ground: the devil wears prada au. i watched DWP during lockdown, got obsessed for about two months, wrote 25k of an AU with len as miranda and barry as andy, and then suddenly lost all interest. tragic, cos i really like what i wrote for it, but i have so many wips that i can’t make myself cling to one that i know in my heart of hearts i’m not really invested in any more. now i really don’t know what to do with what i already have. i’m tempted to post it, in case anyone’s interested, but also don’t wanna get anyone’s hopes up or have anyone get attached to something i won’t ever finish. i might post the bits i have with a clear caveat that this is all there’ll ever be, idk, if anyone’s interested in that let me know. saves the time i spent on it from going to waste, i guess

ANYWAY that’s where i’m at with fics right now, there’s a lot going on, and this is JUST the fics im working on and not original stuff. hoo, boy. save me. we’ll see what happens in 2021, but i hope to at least finish all the one shots i mentioned, and preferably also finish michael’s fic as well! optimistic, maybe, but hey. manifest, and all that.

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

THE SEEIN’ DEAD MOD IS A BAND-AID FIX

gearbox locked zane’s lazy fix behind a paywall

tl;dr: for the love of god, the seein’ dead class mod should be what the seein’ red capstone is and vice versa. also. MORE SYNERGY. also i redesigned all of Zane’s trees and augments for more synergy you’re welcome.

is 1am and i don’t want tomorrow and im angry and thinking about borderlands so this seems like the perfect time to immerse myself in remaking Zane’s skill trees (for the 5th time). mainly because some of zane’s skills are still irking me and i’ve written extensive essays for the bl3 subreddit about the seein’ dead class mod and just playing around with zane’s skills in general, but i don’t think i’ve ever posted here before about it. so here we are. i notice i usually save lore/theories/characterizations for this blog and meta/balancing/gear talk for reddit. not sure why that’s a split for me. 

now i’ve remade zane’s skills a number of times, but honestly this was all before the seein’ dead mod was released. then, instead of fixing his skill trees, i wrote a lot of essays about why that mod was a terrible bad decision on gearbox’s part (you can read one of the shorter arguments in a comment from 5 months ago here). I’m just gonna remake the skill trees now with all his current abilities in mind.this post really should be titled: ALL THE PROBLEMS WITH THEIR BALANCING DECISIONS

so imma just talk for a bit about why i love/hate the seein’ dead class mod. 

Obviously it’s a god tier mod, and you see almost no zane builds without it, and no top tier, can solo m10 true takedown builds without it (unless ur like, the 1% of masochistic players, in which case i salute you). and while that obviously means its a good mod, it also shows the problems with all his other class mods and his skill trees in general.

They all kinda suck. and that wouldn’t be a problem, bc, hey, the seein’ dead mod is ez to get, just pop on over to the casino and kill a few baddies and they’ll  drop like candy. Which is really awesome!

slight problem.

the dlc is locked behind a PAYWALL

now this is a problem because if zane was a top tier character BEFORE the dlc, and everything was hunky dory and people weren’t on their knees begging for gearbox to fix Zane, then him getting a new badass class mod wouldn’t be such a big deal. but the problem was this was gearbox’s solution to giving Zane a buff.

they literally locked a buff for a character behind a pay wall.

I recommend Zane is every single person I try to convince to play bl3, but i always have to add this like, commercial-esque asterisk. you know, terms and conditions or, side effects or whatever. *you probably want to get the seein’ dead mod if you’re looking at end-game play because unless you wanna struggle that’s his only viable play style.

what if they don’t want to buy the dlc?! for real...

There’s also the point that this class mod makes his (arguably) BEST capstone obsolete. so we have distributed denial which literally no one uses because its broken, double barrel which is always traded for seein’ red or more points in other skills, and seein’ red, WHICH WAS MADE USELESS BY THIS CLASS MOD

gsfdhjikdhgdaskjfhgaskdfjh

okay and it wouldn’t even be so bad

IF THEY DIDN’T CHANGE HIS ENTIRE SKILL SET BEFORE RELEASE

like they lowered ALL his kill skills, then they turned Seein�� Red into his capstone instead of Death Follows Close, meaning they nerfed Death Follows Close so it could fit as just a game changer. my poor boy was g u t t e d.

so, imagine this, everyone is reaching the end-game content of bl3. it’s a month or 2 weeks or whatever after the game dropped and people are finally hitting level 50. and moze/fl4k/amara are all killin’ it, and the zane players have to work their ASSES off to do like... 50% of that damage output (now, they did also eventually nerf the crap outta moze and fl4k but the point stands). 

so instead of gearbox going: “oh... shit that pre-release nerf was an awful idea, revert the changes guys” they decided to keep him gutted and then they released what was, in my opinion, a kick in the nuts with the maliwan takedown (aka the antifreeze mod, alongside the spiritual driver) ahahahahahaha. what good times it was. (I say this sarcastically.) 

man i remember people were soooo livid with that class mod release. well, both of them. zane mains were pissed off (for good reason). “yes, let’s make the people who are begging for a straight damage increase jump through MORE hoops (LITERALLY) for a pitiful amount of damage. oh, also, let’s give their 28 skill point build to the strongest character in the game for free and also make it 10x better”. because it was 10x better than violent momentum (driver didn’t have a damage cap) until they fixed both the spiritual driver and the violent momentum skill. it was the worst of times.

i will note here they did, around this time, let zane have stackable kill skills, but it was only 2 stacks and also it was still *incredibly* difficult to achieve stacks because zane just. struggled to kill anything. I still remember when i grinded the shit outta an antifreeze class mod and it took me over 20 minutes to kill Wotan my first time solo on m4. Not the fight UP to wotan. literally. just killing wotan.

then the seein’ dead mod dropped and i had. a fuckin. 15 minute decrease to my time on killing wotan (5 minutes!!!!). now i am not perfect, and i 100% believe i could’ve lowered the time even more. but that... that shows a VERY CLEAR problem.

they never actually fixed zane, they gave him a class mod that’s stupid OP just to make sure he could hang on next to the other Vault Hunters. it’s just a bandaid fix. you remove the class mod, and he’s back to pre-jackpot power levels (which will NOT hold up at m10, let me tell you). 

all his pre-jackpot problems are still here, and that’s why people are not using any other class mod of his. I bet we could have some really fun builds with the conductor mod! but nobody will ever use it because it’s just... not even close to the seein’ dead mod.

So what does the seein’ dead mod do that makes Zane so good?

IT BRINGS HIM BACK TO PRE-RELEASE VALUES

this mod, plus Death Follows Close, brings Zane back to pre-release zane. and i don’t understand how gearbox isn’t putting two and two together and going “Oh.”

it also is a BETTER VERSION of Seein’ Red!!! something players could have had at, like, level 15, but instead had to wait until they hit a capstone! the capstone is completely obsolete at this point. There is nothing seein’ red can give you that seein’ dead doesn’t do but better. Getting that capstone is a w a s t e of skill points.

AND they locked this fix behind a pay wall!!! i cannot say that enough. you don’t wanna get the handsome jackpot dlc?? guess u don’t wanna play zane at endgame then. too bad, so sad.

have i stated that enough? because it still blows my fuckin mind. THEY LOCKED A CHARACTER FIX BEHIND A PAYWALL

djhdgakjhakjdah. imagine playing without any prior knowledge and being like, aw man i love this zane character. can’t wait to get to max mayhem end game like all my favorite youtubers and friends!! then finding out you gotta drop 15 bucks or whatever it is just to actually be able to play at max mayhem level. that is not a skill difference, that is A BALANCING PROBLEM MY DUDES. like. my favorite zer0 build was still viable without the story DLCs. obviously grog > rubi, pimp > lyuda, rapier > law but, it was still fuckin viable.

guh. gufhgufhsdgkfjsdh. it bothers me.

ok so there’s a lot i just went over: my main issue? is that by making Seein’ Red a capstone, they did nothing to make it an actual legit capstone. They definitely nerfed Death Followed Close to make it a gamechanger, but they never gave Seein’ Red a buff to move it from a gamechanger to a capstone. It was the same exact skill. Seein’ Dead is what Seein’ Red SHOULD be and that’s what angers the crap outta me. they locked this obvious fix behind a pay wall (AND a gear slot!!!!!) n ur probably thinking ‘but cruddy this WAS really nice of them to try and fix zane... they could’ve just let him be suuc’ and like, yeah, they could’ve, and it is good they’re TRYING, but also, they’re leaving the people who DON’T buy the DLC high and dry.

keep in mind i DO own the dlc. have the season pass and everything. IM STILL MAD!!!

Zane should be strong no matter what class mod the players want to use. Same with Amara, same with Moze, same with Fl4k. FFS, it is not that hard. CHANGE THEIR SKILLS!!!!!

so im gonna be taking the time to go over all of zane’s skills and shit just to put him more on par with the others (WITHOUT THE SEEIN’ DEAD MOD)

imagine the seein’ dead mod doesn’t exist for this. we’re gonna make a balanced character since apparently THAT’S TOO HARD FOR A TRIPLE-A BALANCING TEAM

first things first, the tree with the most fuckin problems: 

Under Cover

oh god this tree is a fucking train wreck what the hell were they thinking. good god. my eyes. they’re burning.

not actually, but it still kinda sucks.

Action Skill: Barrier is fine. I would not add the ‘picking it up decreases benefits’ when Zane’s whole schtick is running around fast. You get the full bonus no matter what form it’s in. also, you can hold down the action skill activation button to deploy the barrier directly on yourself.

Tier 1: Hearty Stock is a trap. never get this. so dumb. no synergy with his other skills. Adrenaline is okay, but not really great during end game. Ready For Action is similarly okay. Just a very MEH start to this tree. 

Adrenaline: Zane gains increased Action Skill Cooldown Rate. 10% per level, up to 50%. this shouldn’t be tied to his shields being full because if your barrier is down (cooling DOWN)... your shield is taking damage. c’mon now. THINK GEARBOX T H I N K

Hearty Stock: (maxed) Zane and his clone gain 5% magazine regeneration while an action skill is active. This skill stacks. In it’s original state, this skill is such a trap skill. for real.

Ready For Action: i mean, it’s fine. We’ll keep it. +30% shield recharge rate and -29% (why????) recharge delay

Tier 2: ech. Stiff Upper Lip is not that good. Brain freeze is what u really want. Rise to the Occasion is also okay.

Brain Freeze: keep the same.

Stiff Upper Lip: when Zane is damaged with a hit that would break his shield, he gains (max) +20% bonus gun damage on his next shot through the barrier.

Rise to the Occasion: Zane and his clone gain health regeneration. +5% max health/s. Not determined by shield availability.

Tier 3: `screams in confident competence` oh lawd. this skill is good. the accuracy thing is kinda laughable. i tell you, i always thought that zane was originally meant to be the sniper with the Under Cover tree but they decided to swap Zane and Fl4k’s skills. which is why Zane has soooo many accuracy buffs.

Confident Competence: fine the way it is. I would also add, since this IS a game changer, that the Barrier’s damage amp is now 40%.

Tier 4: ew. tier 4. Really Expensive Jacket is literally the only skill you might want to get and EVEN THEN. ugh. Best Served Cold is so pointless. and so is Futility Belt. YOU TAKE MORE DAMAGE WITH IT

Really Expensive Jacket: Elemental Status Effects have reduced duration (-50%). Additionally, Zane is not slowed by Cryo anymore.

Best Served Cold: Remove the cooldown. Buff up the damage at least 200%. Make it an AOE Brain Freeze. That is, the cryo novas stack and if overkill damage is high enough, enemies hit with the novas freeze. Kinda like a discount Frozen Heart.

Futility Belt: HA. Ahahahahaha. Ha. Zane gains resistance to non-elemental and cryo damage (+15%). Futhermore, after killing an enemy, Zane’s barrier gains additional cryo damage (+20%) for 8s.

Tier 5: is oki. My only real complaint is with Nerves of Steel. Like. Seriously.

Refreshment: god tier skill actually. Keep the same.

Best Served Cold: also keep the same. The only change I will make is this: resetting your action skills’ cooldowns counts as action skill start and end.

Nerves of Steel: The longer Zane’s barrier is active, the more stacks of Nerves of Steel he gains (a maximum of 15). For each stack, Zane gains 2% shock damage, 2% cryo efficiency, and 1% damage to frozen enemies. (why shock damage? cryo doesn’t do well against shields.)

Tier 6: *cries in the worst capstone in the entire series* WHO DID THIS. WHY. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU???

Distributed Denial: no. just. no. scrap this whole damn thing. IT DOESN’T EVEN WORK!!!! either fix it COMPLETELY or do something else. My recommendation? Whenever Zane throws down his barrier, his shield instantly begins recharging. If Zane’s shield is already full or recharging, enemies with no shields (or freeze immunity) that touch Zane’s Barrier for the next 10s are instantly frozen.

Augments: why the hell do i gotta place my barrier down when my entire fuckin’ character is about RUNNING. ALSO JUST AS A BLANKET STATEMENT: ALL THESE AUGMENTS WORK 100% EVEN IF HIS BARRIER IS PICKED UP. SO DUMB. a fully pointless restriction.

that last sentence immediately fixes Charged Relay and Nanites or Some Shite.

Redistribution: If his shields are full, Zane can sacrifice 50% of his shields to have his next shot deal 100% bonus cryo damage by holding F.

All-Rounder: Fine as is. Only thing I would add: whenever Zane melees an enemy, his shields are drained by 50% and his sliding augment is added to the melee attack.

Deterrence Field: Fine as is. But! I would add: whenever Zane sprints into an enemy, his shields are drained by 50% and slam augment is activated.

THAT WAY we can have both slam/sliding relics actually DO SOMETHING. because my god they’re so useless rn.

alright, moving on.

Hitman

Tier 1: is okay. nobody ever takes cold bore. ever.

Violent Speed: fine as is, but we’re taking it back to pre-release values. Max: 30%. can stack 2x.

Cold Bore: Zane gains (max) 20% bonus cryo damage to all shots fired while moving.

Violent Momentum: fine as is, but taking it back to pre-release values. 30% gun damage at default walk speed. Additionally, Zane can now shoot while sprinting.

Tier 2: my boy zoomer needs more fun.

Cool Hand: fine as it is. I would buff his base reload speed up to 20% and kill skill reload to 20% as well. 17 and 13 are such weird numbers.

Drone Delivery: fine as it is. Additionally, Zoomer’s base shots now take on the element of Zane’s grenade mod.

Salvation: fine as it is. I won’t mess with this bc life steal is messy business (coughs in grog)

Tier 3: hhhynf.fdsg. 

Death Follows Close: Kill Skill Bonus: +30%. Kill Skill Time: +7s. Additionally, enemies targeted by Zoomer take 5% more damage from Zane.

Tier 4: these two skills are actually p dope by themselves. it can stay as it is. I would MAYBE increase the violent violence max buff up to 20% but that’s just me.

Tier 5: ahahahaha. this skill. just remember, we’re pretending Seein’ Dead doesn’t exist, so imagine how this skill looks next to calm cool n collected. so pointless.

Good Misfortune: Killing an enemy with a critical hit adds (max) 10% efficiency to Zane’s kill skills for 8s. This does not stack.

Tier 6: WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOU RELEVANT AGAIN BOO HANG IN THERE

Seein’ Red: Zane has a (4%) chance to activate his kill skills upon dealing gun damage to an enemy. Additionally, enemies targeted by Zoomer now take 15% more damage from Zane.

so why didn’t we make good misfortune the infinite action skill build?? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT CCnC IS SUPPOSED TO DO!!! why have 2 skills that do the exact same thing AT THE EXACT SAME TIER except ONE IS OBJECTIVELY WORSE!!!!!

what happens to the Seein’ Dead class mod if we’re giving its perk to this capstone? I’m so glad you asked. “Zane activates his kill skills when activating his action skills. Additionally, the kill skills activated this way have 15% more efficiency”. look how much better balanced that is!!!! that’s a class mod!!!!!!!!

Augments: these aren’t THAT bad, but they could be a lot better.

Winter’s Drone: Zoomer gains 20% bonus cryo damage to all shots.

Bad Dose: pump these numbers up. Fire Rate: +7% per affected enemy. Movement Speed: +10% per enemy. everything else is fine.

Boomsday: just make this more beefy. fr. It’d be a good choice if it were stronger.

Static Field: also fine. I would again give it better damage output, but that’s just me.

Almighty Ordnance: remove the build up honestly. Like i get the vibe and it’s really cool, but in combat it just DOESN’T WORK. maybe if Zoomer is targeting an enemy, he will unleash the missiles if they are above 50% health after 30s or something. I honestly think these should have a debuffing factor instead of a damage factor (you know, to not get in the way of boomsday). maybe something around 15%? the 1x per action skill activation thing would be easily subverted with CCnC with the changes we suggested, so it could work. 

Doubled Agent

ahhh, Blane. Blue Zane. Love ya, buddy. One change: he prioritizes pinged targets. That way you can kinda get him to fight specific people. Also, lower the teleportation timer. pls.

Tier 1: actually p good. could be better, but its not bad.

Synchronicity: Zane gains 20% bonus damage per active action skill. While Zane has an action skill active, he gains a stack of Synchronicity. Max Stacks: 10. For each stack of Synchronicity, Zane gains 5% Action Skill Cooldown Rate and 2% Action Skill Damage.

Praemunitus: Zane and his digiclone gain (max) 30% magazine size.

Borrowed Time: For each action skill active, Zane gains 30% action skill duration. The longer Zane’s action skills are active, he and Blane gain a higher Fire Rate and faster Reload Speed, up to 20%. (the idea is you choose between this or synchronicity bc... either permanent action skills build or fast paced action skills build)

Tier 2: Donnybrook is fun. Fractal Frags is fun. Duct tape mod is a GODDAMN DISAPPOINTMENT

Donnybrook: fine as it is. I might buff the max numbers up to 20% gun damage and 3% health regen. But that’s really it.

Fractal Frags: Blane will periodically toss a grenade from Zane’s stockpile at his targeted enemy (cooldown: 20s). Kill Skill: Blane has a 45% chance to throw a free grenade.

Duct Tape Mod: this skill... why... No cooldown. NONE. Zane has a 1% chance to also fire a grenade from his gun. Kill Skill: This is increased to 15% for 8s (stays at 1% for the whole time, but the kill skill will increase by 3% for each tier)

Tier 3: Actually Quick Breather is one of my favorite skills. this can stay.

Quick Breather: Same as is. Additionally, Zane and his clone gain 25% Gun Damage after swapping places for a short time (8s).  I really wanna promote swapping places. It’s really underutilized. they’ve ADDED stuff to this skill already!!! even tho it didn’t work until the next patch. BUT THEY SHOW ITS POSSIBLE TO ADD TO SKILLS!!!

Tier 4: actually a really good tier. a few minor changes. 

Pocket Full of Grenades: Kill Skill: Zane gains (max) 15% grenade regeneration for 8s. If Zane’s grenades are full, any excess grenades are shot from his gun with 25% bonus damage.

Old-U: If Zane falls into FFYL while his digiclone is active, he can press the action skill activation key to destroy his clone and gain a second wind. When he does this, he takes the place of his clone. His clone will also drop a grenade when it is destroyed.

Supersonic Man: Zane gains increased movement speed for each active action skill: (max) 15% each. Additionally, teleportation is considered to be Zane’s maximum speed for its duration and 5s after. 

Tier 5: oh god oh fuck oh god.

Like a Ghost: Oh god why. Zane and his digiclone gain a (max) 15% chance to ignore all damage while teleporting and for 7s after.

Boom. Enhance: actually a pretty swell skill. I would probably add Health Regen +3% per grenade tho. Blane needs help a lot.

Trick of the Light: bring back the shock damage. Zane deals 40% bonus shock damage for 7s after swapping places with his clone.

Tier 6: oh ngl I actually love this capstone lol

Double Barrel: Zane’s digiclone gains a copy of Zane’s current gun when it is deployed (and all the anointments work and he actually fires it like a reasonable person). Zane’s clone now deals damage equal to Zane’s base weapon damage. Upon swapping places, both Zane and his digiclone deal 50% bonus damage for 7s.

Augments: 

Binary System: is okay. Kinda uhhh underwhelming tho. Buff up the damage and also maybe reduce teleportation time.

Schadenfreude: I like this one a lot. Zane’s shield is restored by 100% of the damage his digiclone takes and vice versa.

Dopplebanger: lower the waiting time. I get that u don’t wanna override the teleportation, but it’s really annoying. Buff damage and don’t make it dependent on action skill duration. If this explosion kills an enemy, the clone is reactivated with 50% action skill duration.

Which One’s Real?: I’ve never actually felt this work. Maybe for like 2 seconds? Make it work more like Zer0′s hologram or Timmy’s Jack clones or smth. Maybe give an activation cue? im v lost with this one. Enemies targeting Zane take 30% more damage from the digiclone.

Digital Distribution: 75% of the health damage Zane takes is distributed to his clone instead. The digiclone gains 5% Health Regeneration/s and sends out 3 [level specific damage] shock spikes to enemies that attack it. 

literally all Zane needs is SYNERGY. if they can change a few skills, pump up a few numbers, and ffs fix the seein’ red/dead capstone/mod, they’d be in FUCKIN BUSINESS

but no instead

THEY LOCKED THE BUFF BEHIND A PAYWALL.

WHYYYYYY

[tillman]

Pls infodump about lancelot from what i observe almost everyone hates him? (Ok its understandable bec of his affair with queen) im curious why do you like lancelot? And i remember a few days ago you post that there so many things you want to talk about him? And i want to see you rant/gush about his character, relationships, mental illness, his flaws etc ans also what is the difference between fate lancelot and lancelot in the legends? I want to know more about him he is complicated

OK its not that everyone hates him its that people hate what he stands for. the french side of arthurian lit is VERY focused on making lancelot seem like the greatest knight in the entire world because…. wow… hes french. and french people suck. stop normalizing the french. i like lancelot because of what he COULD stand for. theres a lot of things that could be delved into more (his mental illnesses, his communication issues, his inability to comprehend love, the struggle with being unholy or wrong, ect) but no one ever does. so i stole him hes mine now fuck the french they did him dirty.

uhm ok this is under a cut for talks of kinda heavy topics (lots of mental health talk, lots of abuse talk) and also cus its long. sorry i have a lot to say about him) 

i like lancelot a lot cus i see myself a lot in him. mostly in his mental health and how he ends up dealing with situations. his struggle with violent mood swings and his huge burden of being labeled as a sinner or whatever for a relationship he admits to feeling trapped in is…. relateable… comforting to see in a fictional character i guess. as flawed as he is hes still heralded as a good person. hes still loved by his friends and his family. and thats nice.. i like it. 

uhm for his mental health the main thing that comes out is his struggles with trauma, awful depression, and also just the fact he dissociates a lot. in knight of the cart he is so out of it he doesnt realize a knight is attacking him until hes thrown into the water in which he reacts violently and freaks the fuck out, trying to rip the guy off his horse. he like. physically can not handle extreme emotions and will either fall asleep so he doesnt have to face it (le morte says this is a known quality of him, he does this enough dinadan expects it as soon as he gets mad) or he swings so hard he has an extreme bout of depression (in the vulgate when trying to comprehend his relationship with guenevere and galehaut he just shuts down and spends all his time sleeping or staring at the river) or awful mania (see: the many times guenevere freaks out at him and he gets so upset he jumps out a window and lives in the woods). Lancelot has a lot of unworked out trauma from being r*** twice by the same woman who continues to use him and freak him out so much he cant find camelot safe (triggering another huge spike where he runs off into the woods) or the literal entire end of the legends where he has to deal with the trauma of while having one of his dissociative episodes in combat he accidentally kills gareth, someone he loves and adores like a brother or son and gets so upset he just accepts everything happening and hides in joyous gard, where his cousins have to BEG him to go and defend his honor from gawain whos basically knocking on his door pleading with lancelot to kill him. 

lancelots inability to understand a lot of social nuances is also really interesting but like, ultimately leads to a lot of strife for him most namely galehauts death and gueneveres constant abuse. The thing is Lancelot basically idolizes guenevere and this is where a lot of the abuse and weird shit comes from in their relationship. lancelot was a very young knight who honestly didnt understand anything about BEING a knight when he came to court. the queen knighted him and him, being young and not understanding, took this as “i am her knight! i will do anything for her!” and guenevere just kinda ran with this? i dont rlly wanna go too into it ill do that later when i get farther in the vulgate and can talk more on it but it leads to lancelot being trapped in a relationship he admit hurts him, but the small sliver of love guenevere gives him when she needs him is enough to keep him in because his mindset is still “im her knight! this is what a knight should do for his lady!” Galehaut is a different situation where his blindness to social cues and other shit leads to a lot of drama and hellish shit and when he finally snaps and realizes “oh. oh no this is what love should be” its too late and galehaut is dead and lancelot isnt much better. his own mother has to come and convince him not to literally kill himself over this and sends him into a spiral of depression where he doesnt leave the joyous gard for months. when he does and when he comes back to court, no one really … cares? that galehaut is dead. and this is lancelots first experience with actual love and his first experience with the death of someone close to him. which is an awful double whammy to have to experience. he does have good friends like gawain and dinadan and tristan and his relationship with galahad is good but they all end up dead or turned against him by something thats he did and its just. god its so sad to watch. the only people lancelot is left with in the end are his cousins, and even at the end of all of that hes left alone with the corpses of people he thought he loved. 

like hes a very flawed man. lancelot is a problem causer and not a problem solver. he doesnt try to he really doesnt, he strives to be the perfect knight mostly for some sliver of appreciation from someone he idolizes he never really ends up getting. he doesnt know how to cope, and ends up making things worse when he inevitably ends up screwing shit up because of this. hes called a sinner and unholy by god, and while he is very proud of his son for what he ends up achieving, has to deal with the trauma of the grail quest alone. he ends up killing someone he loves, and who genuinely respected and cared for him like a brother in a fit of him not being able to deal with heavy emotions. like he truly is in the wrong in most situations but like. in such a pitiable way. hes a good person, but lets his flaws overtake him a lot and pushes away the people who want the best for him. its like…. sad. 

(about to talk about fate u can drop off now if u just wanted to read my arthurian lit opinions :-) )

i could go off about fate lancelot and all the problems i have with him for hours but i think the main thing i wanna talk about rn is how they handle his internalization of his life and then just did nothing with it. his wish for the grail is just to be told he was wrong. thats so fucking GOOD!! in life he was heralded as the best knight like of course his one regret was that no one ever stopped him and went “you are wrong. this is wrong. you are doing the wrong thing.” and that being all he wants out of the thing that can grant any wishes is soooooo soo cool and neat. and then they just reduced his personality to “oh boo hoo im so sad im going to fuck a married woman now” like. the fucking dissonance. like lancelot isnt the type for random flings. tristan sure i understand that a bit hes unhinged and hard to characterize and .. honestly does just go around fucking married woman. weirdo. but lancelots entire struggle is over his relationship with guenevere being both wrong morally and literally abusive! i jsut dont get it i dont understand how they built up something so interesting with zero and threw it all out the window it makes me so mad. i dont even wanna talk about fate lancelot anymore rn its giving me a headache cus im so mad.