#fucking hate finals jesus christ
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scrolling through my mumbo tag and walking through it like a field of wildflowers yessss boys comfort me
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Spoilers for BNHA chapter 423; you know where this is going.
SHIGARAKI KINNIES HOW WE FEELING TONIGHT???? CAUSE I AM NOT FEELING GOOD!!!! in all seriousness, I could barely finish this sketch because I was crying so hard. Horikoshi when I catch you istg. I'm not even gonna entertain the idea that he's still alive somehow until that's confirmed because I refuse to give myself false hope. But this is not how I wanted this to end. Shigaraki deserves to have the life that was literally stolen away from him from day fucking 1. Yes, killing AFO was cathartic as HELL, and seeing kurogiri/shirakumo reach out to save his son absolutely broke me, but what happens to all of the build-up with Shigaraki's story? the rest of the league's trauma, the issues they genuinely faced within this hero society? where is all that going? down the drain ig. seems like such a fuckin waste of a story but alright. this could have been about deku becoming the greatest hero by saving and reforming the villains who were abused and tortured but ALRIGHT. also, a two page send off? be fr what the fuck. Rest easy, king. You deserved so much better. Or come back to us because that'll turn this car around so fast we might hit mach speed.
#tomura shigaraki#bnha manga spoilers#bnha manga leaks#bnha#mha fanart#shigaraki tomura#shigaraki fanart#mha shigaraki#mha#bnha fanart#fens art#spinneraki#bnha spinner#mha spinner#mha spoilers#i am in agony#i am i unwell#if he doesnt get saved be prepare for me to read every single fanfic where shigaraki gets saved or lives happily#or write that kind of fic#because jesus christ on a bike i need some fuckin happiness around here right now#im happy afo is finally fucking dead because holy hell i hate that guy so much#but COME ONNNNNNNNNN#also am i the only one who got extreme ick from AFO saying he loved Yoichi?????#like i know brotherly love is a thing but with AFO this feels SO different. it feels obsessive and disgusting#idk i think i just push every single type of criminally offensive ick onto AFO#it just suits him to be the absolute fucking worst that humanity has to offer#im going to play fortnite to cope with this fucking disaster
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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If you hate Marinette um. Don't.
#ml#miraculous ladybug#marinette dupain cheng#jesus christ just came upon a video rant that just insulted marinette#and people hating the s5 finale again#fucking hell
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me: hermes is a painfully accurate example of how some ways of defending yourself against certain kinds of insidious emotional abuse, gaslighting, ableism, and therapy speak can warp you into a person whose learned helplessness and lack of perspective can result in doing really shitty things, and who passes that abuse along in different forms (hi meteion) + lashes out in disproportionate ways + can be deeply hypocritical.
me: as a disabled person in a society where our systemic mass murder via pressure into government-sanctioned suicide is on the rise, the ancients' society is beyond fucking upsetting to me. i have zero sympathy for anything to do with them pre-apocalypse except for the effects of living in that system.
me: that said, they are a good opportunity to remind oneself that there are children in that burning building; that a society being fucked does not mean they deserve to be wiped out; and that that does not mitigate the harm they do, nor mean that its victims are not allowed to be angry or resist it, including the victims inside it.
me, booboo the fool: oh, this youtube essay about hermes looks interesting--
#final fantasy xiv#ffxiv hermes#heeeellllllppppppppp#i haven't even been looking for discourse in fact i have been trying to avoid it#i just wanted hermes meta and every other site i've so much as glanced at for it so far has been This#hermes is so so fucked up and so interesting#and Relatable in so many ways which simultaneously are incredibly validating; and can make for an uncomfortable look in the mirror#and people trying to like. diagnose him with NPD and say he's The Worst Ever Actually and is basically 'they all hated me' goob#while saying things like 'i can't be ableist i have depression'#and while accusing anyone who says the ancients did anything actually wrong at all of being anti-indigenous genocide apologists#is so much. it's So Much. oh my god#anyway i have been greatly enjoying this game and it is incredibly refreshing to see this kind of thing represented and called out lmao#FFtag#ffxivtag#genocide cw#abuse cw#abuse denial cw#abuse apologia cw#gaslighting cw#ableism cw#the salt files#(also god don't get me started on hyth/lodaeus people who do this Love Him and Think He's Super Sweet and Gay)#(when he is a horrible person in specific ways that make my skin crawl right off my body. the way he talks about meteion jesus christ)#(if your blorbo is fucked up that's fine but GOOOOOOD GOD)#warning: worm grass#endwalker spoilers
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At what point can I continue saying that I hate Other M, when I have effectively completed that game like, six times and enjoy playing it, while I had to force myself to complete Prime 2?
#there is nuance#i love other ms gameplay#especially when mapped to a normal controller#despise the lore and story and cinematics#meanwhile I adore all of prime 2 EXCEPT the actual moment to moment gameplay#or at least like#the fucking traversal in the map#people rag on prime 1 because of the backtracking and map design (fair because magmoor is atrocious)#but prime 2??? jesus christ#dont get me started on the horrid final bosses#uough#am i the squidward meme of “i hate other m” “10 mins later” “me with the bestieee”
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So I just checked my final grades after being home for a while… and we’re not doing good tonight boys, we really aren’t.
#college#finals week#jesus christ#i’m fucked#i hate this#it’s my own fault#but like why#also why did my theater script class have to be graded so harshly#I’m not gonna take anymore theater classes#At least the classes for my major were good but like still I have gen ed classes that were pretty bad.
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"Biz, what would you like for your birthday this year?"
"For nobody to misgender me for a day."
Turned out too much to ask (:
#tw: transphobia#tw: misgendering#literally every person i had to talk to today misgendered me#my mom kept misgendering me over and over again even in trying to correct people#“HER pronouns are they/them” i'm going to eat the fucking sun and shit#every doctor and nurse i spoke to kept calling me she/her#“IT'S FUCKING THEY/THEM I AM NOT A GIRL"#everyone reacts like i'm some special snowflake bedwetter that can't take misgendering#when the reality is that i have never gone a single day in my LIFE where i haven't been misgendered#oh and my doctor's office was too narrow for my wheelchair which was humiliating#and i had to spend 3 hours trying to explain to mom in a way that actually made a difference WHY it matters to not misgender me#and finally it clicked at hour 3 with “YOU'RE DESCRIBING TO STRANGERS WHAT MY FUCKING GENITALS LOOK LIKE AND IT FREAKS ME OUT”#“i hadn't thought about it that way”#oh and my doctor rolled her eyes at seeing a 32 year old in a wheelchair like i was malingering in a $5k chair#and demanded to know why i use it when it wasn't relevant to my visit AT ALL#my younger and older siblings BOTH treated me like shit for my gender identity so i wound up agender#because jesus fucking christ how insecure are you fucking cunts that you can't stand NOT being the only son/daughter to our mom#so i chose to be nothing!!! and they STILL won't fucking just live and let live#everybody's gotta hate biz for fucking something and that includes gender#*biz unsubscribes from gender* “hey >:(”#i hate my life#this was literally the worst birthday in my fucking life#had to starve myself of sleep to get up at 6am to drive 4 hours to a 20 minute appointment#misgendered 100% of the time while i couldn't get my wheelchair into any exam room because the doors were too narrow#questioned for needing a wheelchair. looked at like a child for being trans. clueless mom that wouldn't back me up.#and siblings that hate me because my mom genuinely likes my company more and it's because the two of them are so selfish#they won't bother to treat our mom with basic respect or interest in her as a human being outside of a mother when i do#but THEY can't be the problem. it has to be something MY fault
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I've engaged in this myself, but I'm low-key sick of the abuse discours in this fandom. Like I know we have to talk about it because that's the language the show itself uses. But it's turned into this big debate where everyone is abusing everyone and it sucks all the air out of the discussion. I love it when characters are toxic and awful to eachother, it makes for interesting and complex dynamics. Abuse is (rightfully!) usually based on there being a victim and a perpetrator. It can be more complex than that, but usually when someone brings it up the post is about pointing out who is the 'bad guy' and in what ways.
And I'm not even saying they're wrong. You can absolutely argue that Ed abused Izzy, or the crew, or that Izzy emotionally abused Ed, or that Stede abused the crew. But like, are you enjoying yourself with this?? Are you having fun picking your badguy? I just get a migraine everytime these posts come up
#blackhands#if you want to argue that S2 fucked up by doing this I agree btw#I ran into a post that argued the finale was good actually because Izzy abused Ed in S2#and like. kind of?? but jesus christ I hate this discussion#ofmd critical
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fun part about being mentally ill about a law and order spin off is when you watch something with a normal person and spend half an hour going hmmmm what is that guy from. and your friends are like ? Dude it’s richie from the bear. and twenty minutes later you’re like no actually that is that guy who played a background eco fascist in 2006 svu episode informed
#guy who only knows of rhea seehorn becajse of svu episode ‘info wars’#<- btw i finally watched that bc of the worst bracket votes and i get why everyone hates it now jesus fucking christ#terminal svu brainrot#svu
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thinking thinking thoughts
#i hate when siblings#owchie#spn#supernatural#dean winchester#sam winchester#sam supernatural#dean supernatural#the winchesters#not wincest#FUCK WINCEST#JESUS CHRIST#supernatural finale#the frost#mitski#mitski my beloved
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whiplash conversation with my mom where she told me of her own volition that she plans to vote harris in november (she's republican) bc "no one likes trump" and she also admitted he was basically incoherent and untrustworthy (in the past she's admired him). which then turned into her saying that she didn't see the big deal about harris being the first female president was and that led into. full on big blowout fight about whether or not the patriarchy exists and if we live in one. i was full on yelling. so enraged i was near tears. all while fucking DRIVING. jesus christ.
#liveblogging life#my mom: we live in a DEMOCRACY so we CAN'T also live in a patriarchy checkmate#me: you LIVED through the 60s/70s how can you even say that?????#her: well that was then and we did it all back then so now there is no patriarchy!!!!!!#me: what the fuck are you talking about??????????????#her: harris being a female president means NOTHING obvs we have only ever elected men bc they are all the best for the job#all that matters is if youre good for the job so harris' sex shouldnt even enter into it at all and bringing it up is stupid#me: i mean in an ideal world obvs it'd be nice if sex didnt factor into nominees but we live in a patriarchy so it uh. really does.#also considering we HAVE only had men for the president yes it does significantly matter to finally have a woman in office#her: why do you hate men. :((( me: i never said i did????#it was literally THE most insane conversation ive ever had with another human being in my life#and i once had to explain to my dad that the aids epidemic was not because of african men fucking monkeys#yes THAT was also a really fun conversation too!!!!!!!!!!!#THESE are my parents. how the hell did i learn how to be a human being with these people.#her: well in SAUDI ARABIA women are treated really badly. so there.#me: yeah bc they live in a patriarchy. just like we do here in america. jesus christ.#also im glad she's voting harris but it's pretty clear she's basically doing it bc trump is wildly unpopular lol#like she said something along the line s of 'well no one likes him!!!' twenty times#like okay so if they DID like him you'd vote for him???? omfg.#anyway. insane conversation to have at 10am driving on a highway i've never driven on. before fucking BREAKFAST. jesus christ.
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people won't fucking FORGET me i can't handle this anymore there's always a friend who wants to go someplace a friend who needs someone to go to the store with a friend who hasn't seen me in a while who wants to hangout, and i can't let those friendships decay i just can't i can't be this kind of asshole again, but it feels so shit it feels like i can't fucking relax cuz there's always something tomorrow something next week and something to do at school between classes and holy SHIT leave me ALONE please fucking stop talking to me i just want to relax and do things i enjoy.
#part of that is of course that ''going home'' isn't relaxing it's just waiting around for the next big anxiety-inducing event#and weekends aren't relaxing either because it's just more parent time#i do think my social battery would increase a little if i ever fucking get to live alone finally#but in the meantime i'm stuck doing community service because if i don't then nobody will#i can't refuse to do something helpful or nice for people when the alternative is going to binge and hate myself in my room#i just want to be far far away so badly#then i'll have an excuse#im well and truly stuck. either i go and i have a dreadful time before during and after.#or i don't and im missing out and im an awful friend.#before you hit me w the ''you're allowed to skip on an event your friends won't hate you!!!!''#i want to skip ALL OF THEM#and friendships are watered like plants okay my friends are legitimate not being friends w somebody who never hangs out#jesus christ i want a pause button i want to be stuck in a time loop for a little while#thinking about tomorrow makes me want to rope#i can go to school 9am to 3pm. but technically there's no class.#then my friend wants to go to the night museums for her birthday#which leaves like. five hours at least in the middle. in which we'll have to hang out.#and she wants to get food.#if at any point of that i go home it's the day my mom doesn't work so. i have to spend some more incredibly unsatisfactory time with her.#god it's making me want to rope even more than usual#vent#broadcasting my misery
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#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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I finally finished totbt
#wow I really hated that ending#knew about the David of it all but Jesus Christ#anyway. took me fucking forever to read this#I’m a slow reader to begin with and I go through phases where I can’t concentrate on books to save my life#and knowing the r*pe was coming made me just not wanna pick up the book#but after I finally got past it I read the rest relatively quickly (for me at least)#anyway yay I’m done#now for a short break to read other things if I want any hope of meeting my reading goal for this year#courtney reads tvc
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im fucking tired bro i have so much shit to do and everyone's fucking dying or having emotional breakdowns and relying on me like my god i should have quit uni when i had the chance stop asking me to do things ill kms
#well not quit but taken the dean's leave#like i hoped id have a free tomorrow so i could finally make arrangements to fix my motherfucking washing machine but no#my grandma has to be fucking dying 300km away and i gotta go see her because my mom didnt let me last time i was there#and i kinda hate her but im gonna hate myself more if i dont go to see her#i feel like throwing up at the thought of another funeral#im so fucking tired and angry like jesus christ BASTA
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