#and i once had to explain to my dad that the aids epidemic was not because of african men fucking monkeys

[queenerdloser]

whiplash conversation with my mom where she told me of her own volition that she plans to vote harris in november (she's republican) bc "no one likes trump" and she also admitted he was basically incoherent and untrustworthy (in the past she's admired him). which then turned into her saying that she didn't see the big deal about harris being the first female president was and that led into. full on big blowout fight about whether or not the patriarchy exists and if we live in one. i was full on yelling. so enraged i was near tears. all while fucking DRIVING. jesus christ.

[walnutsxblacklicorice]

Loneliness as Ramona's driving motivation

Ramona Royale speaks a lot about revenge, like her hatred for the Countess is the driving factor for her return to the hotel.

She is also an unreliable narrator. I think the truth lies both in the flashback scenes and in side comments she makes, rather than her actual narration of why Elizabeth killed her boyfriend and how that is the reason she now wants revenge over 20 years later. The truth most deeply lies within her narration of what happened with her dad.

"You know the only thing worse than heartbreak? Loneliness. Knowing that it's never going to end.

So, in my despair, I went to the only place in the world where I knew for sure there were people who loved me."

Going back to the hotel for revenge is the story that Ramona told both herself and Donovan. I think what really drew her back is loneliness.

When she cheated on Elizabeth and Elizabeth "tossed her aside" after killing her man, it's safe to assume Ramona was somewhat banished from the hotel. At least, it was no longer a place she felt she could return to, given that Elizabeth was there and owned it.

But all her friends who hadn't died in the AIDS epidemic were at the hotel so now she was all alone. So she returned to her parents' place and lived there until her dad died presumably around 2015. She explained how she'd been stuck in amber with him, her world revolved around taking care of him so she hardly took notice of how times were changing.

By the time her dad died she was confronted with a world foreign to her. The internet had taken over and her once so successful career was reduced to free movies on Hulu. She had nobody left to turn to and now not even her surroundings were familiar anymore.

The hotel was the only place where she still knew people. But she also knew she wasn't welcome there. If she just showed up, chances were Elizabeth would have her thrown out, maybe Liz had turned against her out of loyalty to Elizabeth, too. She had to find new allies to get in. And she had to get rid of the person who could possibly deny her.

"It's time for me to rise and her to fall."

Even though she tells Elizabeth that she'd never been one to plan, she comes up with an elaborate strategy to return to the one place closest to what she can call home. She finds out who Elizabeth had been dating and where to find him and tries to get him to help her.

Eventually, once she's finally in Elizabeth's presence, she realizes not only is Elizabeth remorseful about what happened, Ramona still has feelings for her, too. She can't kill her and when Elizabeth kisses her, she gladly accepts more.

All she deep down wanted was to feel loved again. And as soon as she stepped into the penthouse Elizabeth gave her what she always did, adoration. The song I Wanna Be Adored is playing in the background. Angela, too, has said that this is one of the ways in which Elizabeth fulfills Ramona: with adoration.

If Ramona had only come to the hotel for revenge, she would have been satisfied and left once Elizabeth got killed. But she didn't.

Nearly every scene we see between 2015-2022, she is present in the hotel. She is reunited with Liz, found another friend in Iris, Will includes her in his fashion shows despite her killing him. And in my mind, with her spending all that time there, she has gotten back with Elizabeth, too. At the very least, Elizabeth's ghost is there to keep her company and watch over her.

She has found love and companionship at the hotel again, just like she'd deep down yearned for. And now she spends all her time there instead of building a new life away from it, living in her big gorgeous house. Because the Hotel Cortez is home. And so are its people. It's a safe haven for vampires and it hasn't changed as radically as the outside world has.

Elizabeth had created herself a time capsule within the hotel and that is what ended up making Ramona feel safe and comforted there, too. There was still a piece left from the world she once knew and thrived in. And it didn't turn her away like she'd feared.

[ourimpavidheroine]

May I ask why it is you didn't write any homophobia into your fanfic?

You may!

I was born in 1969. When I was a young girl growing up in the 70′s, there was absolutely nothing available to me that referenced anything queer. No books, no media, nothing at all. And by nothing, I mean NOTHING.

Were there queer people in the 1970′s? Oh my yes. But I knew nothing about them because it was just not part of my world. As far as I knew, queer people did not exist.

The first time I learned about queer people was overhearing a conversation when I was about nine or so about my Dad’s co-worker Ernie, a lovely first generation Chinese American man who often came to our house to hang out and who once brought me a beautiful doll from China that had long black hair and a hanfu with lilies all over it. My mother was saying something to my Dad about not wanting Ernie around my younger brother and me because he was gay and my father got pretty pissed off at her about it. I couldn’t understand why Ernie being happy would be such a bad thing, so I asked my Dad later and he explained what that meant. My Dad being the guy he was, he pretty much normalized it for me and I took it at face value.

The summers of 1983 and 1984 I attended acting school in San Francisco and that’s when I learned a lot more about queer people. That was smack dab in the middle of the AIDS epidemic; one of the teachers lost his best friend the night before our class and sat on the floor and sobbed and sobbed about it. It was, you can believe me, a real eye opener.

But you see, this is what the media told me about gay people as a teenager in the 80′s: they all had AIDS and were spreading it to straight people. They were pedophiles. The men were desperate, lonely people or overdramatic bitches that fucked anything that moved. The women were mean and ugly and out to steal other people’s wives or weird hippy pagan ladies that never shaved and smelled. They would all come to a bad end, one way or the other.

My biology/sex ed teacher in 9th grade told us that same-sex crushes were normal for teenagers and that they would go away and didn’t mean we were gay. Oh, I thought. Well then I guess laying awake all night thinking about Annie Lennox in the Sweet Dreams video and that one redheaded girl on the varsity volleyball team is just something I’ll grow out of.

(Spoiler alert: I did not grow out of it.)

I did not think of myself as being queer. For one thing, I still found boys attractive. For another, Mr. Powell told us it was something we’d grow out of. And I wasn’t like any of those women that we started seeing bits and pieces of in the media. So I just didn’t think about it.

I was at university in the late 80′s and early 90′s, studying theater, and then of course I was introduced to plenty of queer people. That was when I realized that yeah, okay, this is not going away. I am attracted to both men and women; I am bisexual. (Pansexual wasn’t something I’d heard of then but it’s how I identify now.)

Were we in the media? Eh...not so much. A glimpse here and there. But again, not much. And when we were in the news? It was Matthew Shephard (oh god, I remember sitting on the floor and hyperventilating when I saw that on the news) or it was Boys Don’t Cry or Will and Grace where Will was played as straight by a straight guy and never had a boyfriend and Jack was played for laughs.

This was not what my life was like.

I did come out to my family in my 20′s when I got a girlfriend; no one liked my girlfriend (god, she was so hot but such bad news; the sex was so so so good but she was so so so rotten, learn from my fail, children) but the fact that I was queer fazed none of them on either side. I come from very liberal stock, however. (Very liberal.) When I divorced my first husband and brought my then Finnish girlfriend around everyone loved her. It was not a traumatic experience for me. It hasn’t been traumatic for me in Finland, for the most part. 

Of course I understand that this is not the norm for everyone coming out. I know people suffer from discrimination; I am next door to Russia, I know what the fuck is going on in Chechnya. Trans people in Finland are still required by law to be sterilized before they can legally transition. Gay marriage only became legal here very recently. I know kids get kicked out by their parents, still get sent to conversion camps. I am aware of the kind of violence transpeople are subjected to.

But this is my point. What are people still seeing on the news? What do they see in media? Homophobia, coming out trauma, violence, rejection, people having to engage in political debate for their right to simply exist. Is it better than it was even ten years ago? Oh yes, it really is. Absolutely it is. Is it good, though? Is it normalized?

Nope. Not yet. And I firmly believe that a huge part of that is because queer media is still being produced by straight people. Many of whom mean well, of course. But it’s not their story. 

I know it can be very important, especially for younger readers, to read stories about coming out, about homophobia. It’s a way for them to process it and I’m not about to sit here and say that’s wrong. It’s not wrong! But there’s a world of difference between a queer person writing their own experiences as a form of processing and a straight person using those experiences as a means of conflict in their stories.

Do I think Bryke had good intentions writing a whole coming out arc for Korra in the comics? Retconning homophobia into their universe? I do. I absolutely do! I think they are very careful and thoughtful about representation. It matters to them.

But the fact remains that Korra’s coming out and the subsequent retcon of homophobia was written by a straight man in order to add conflict/drama to his story. There is no other reason for it to be there; Korra being queer does not require a coming out storyline nor subsequent homophobia. 

Let me repeat this:

Being queer does not require coming out or homophobia. That is something that straight people add to the stories of our lives, both in real life as well as media.

So that’s what I am doing in my fic. I am normalizing queerness. Am I doing it perfectly? Of course not; I’ve been learning to write with my fic, and I’ve made certain choices I would like to go back and change now. But I am making a choice to write the kind of world I think queer people should be living in: I am normalizing us.

My queer characters have negative things happen to them; they are as human as I can make them. They don’t live in a utopia. But the things that happen to them do not happen because of their gender or sexuality. I am not now nor will I ever be killing my gays.

[thecbdproductss-blog]

Why Are Many Senior Citizens Are Requesting CBD Oil?

Concern worrying negative impacts of narcotics in addition to interest in additional lawful professional options are triggering even more senior citizens checking out cannabis options.

According to the National Study of Drug Use and Health, in between 2011-14 in Washington state, the variety of individuals that have actually used cannabis over the age of 65 boosted from 0.9 percent to 2.4 percent.

Elders are choosing to utilize cannabis for medical problems, like pain, as opposed to prescription medicines. With the raised appeal as well as the decreased stigma of the plant, seniors are additional open than ever before to try cannabis.

A 2018 research study of elders discovered 93.7 percent of clients actually felt renovation from indicators like discomfort after taking marijuana for six months. What's more, 18 percent of individuals gave up or decreased, taking opioids by utilizing marijuana.

The opioid epidemic has struck senior citizens in addition to other age demographics. In 2013, 55 percent of opioid prescriptions more than likely to senior citizens, although they only accounted for 13 percent of the population. Opioids can be extra dangerous for senior citizens as a result of the fact that they increase the hazard of falling, mental complication, and also dependancy, according to the World as well as Mail.

Want to suggest marijuana as a various treatment for your moms and dads or grandparents? Look at our listing of the prominent aspects elders are using marijuana. Even Better CBD Oil

LEADING Factors seniors depend on CBD Oil.

1. Consistent Discomfort

From fibromyalgia to joint swelling as well as likewise nerve pain, consistent discomfort cripples great deals of senior citizens. Nonetheless, cannabis for senior citizens is changing that. Marijuana can help deal with neuropathic discomfort as well as discomfort prompted by joint inflammation in addition to inflammation because of the body's endocannabinoid system. When cannabis is taken in, its compounds, including THC as well as also CBD, impede pro-inflammatory bits in the body and likewise get in touch with different other all-natural pain-killing systems, like the body's endogenous opioid system.

Elders don't require to smoke a joint for pain reduction. If you're not seeking the psychedelic effects of cannabis, you can select a hemp-derived CBD product for all the medical benefits of marijuana without the high. Try providing CBD oil or CBD pills to your grandparent and also see specifically just how they feel. And additionally, hemp-derived CBD items can be delivered to all 50 states.

2. Glaucoma

Glaucoma is the leading root cause of loss of sight for people over 60. Glaucoma is a problem of increased pressure in the eye caused by liquid buildup that harms the nerves. To fight Glaucoma, individuals call for to soothe that stress, which is generally finished with prescription eye lowers. However, this eye goes down can be costly and also need to be utilized sometimes throughout the day.

This is an additional method marijuana for senior citizens is a video game-changer: cannabis naturally reduces that stress as well as likewise the results last for hours. Among the most significant advocates of marijuana for glaucoma is Whoopi Goldberg. She made up a short write-up for the Cannabist called, "My vape pen and I, a love story" where she explains precisely how vaping cannabis help with her glaucoma and the migraine headaches it produces. Keep in mind that you do not need the THC for health and wellness as well as health effects. We recommend HemPiDiol and also it can be delighted in through a vape pen if so wanted.

3. Alzheimer's Illness

Cannabis has actually shown phenomenal capacity for both the therapy as well as also avoidance of Alzheimer's and psychological degeneration.

Added research is seriously required, yet that's the catch in the U.S. As a result of the government's "Prepare I" category of the plant, executing professional studies as well as examinations is essentially difficult. In the meanwhile, nonetheless, several seniors are complying with the slogan: "A decrease a day maintains psychological damage away." So why not call our group of specialists as well as see what our company is doing in this department. We go to the center of HPD oil research along with would certainly enjoy talking to you concerning what would certainly fit your demands or the demands of your suched as one.

4. Parkinson's Health problem

Parkinson's Problem is a degenerative condition that creates dopamine-producing mind cells to pass away. Because dopamine helps the body control muscle mass in addition to action successfully, Parkinson's is defined by irrepressible tremblings, drinking, and also muscular tissue mass convulsions. Dopamine lacks, in addition, produce signs like:

Vertigo

Stringent muscles that are tough to relocate

Relax troubles

Loss of cognitive functions

Amnesia as well as additionally mental wear and tear

The certain origin of dopamine-producing cells to pass away is still unidentified as well as there is no effective treatment for Parkinson's, just medication to aid lower indicators.

Nonetheless, a research study in Israel on the impacts of cannabis on Parkinson's found indicators like drinks and also stamina was considerably reduced after people smoked cannabis. Evaluation Herb's full protection of marijuana and also Parkinson's health problem right below.

5. Cancer cells

Among the main factors clinical cannabis regulations you're on The golden state in the '90s was the plant's capacity to help cancer cells clients. At first, marijuana plainly assisted adverse impacts cancer cells treatment, like radiation therapy, activated, including pain and additionally queasiness.

But, an additional study has actually likewise shown that marijuana eliminates cancer cells. Plus, the plant's substances have actually been revealed to reduce the expansion of various sort of cancer cells, consisting of bust, prostate, as well as lung cancers cells. What's even more, scientists from Vanderbilt University School of Medication situated cannabis to avoid "metastasis," which is the spreading of cancer cells to healthy and balanced and well-balanced cells.

Although we wouldn't advise replacing your mama or gran's cancer cells treatment totally with marijuana, it can be a beneficial enhancement to their regular. It's simply an added method we would like to recommend HemPidiol a risk-free as well as reliable enhancement to deal with signs and also for senior citizens this non THC alternative is changing healthcare.

6. Rest

Countless senior citizens locate their restless than they did when they were much younger. What's more, the senior handle sleeping problems along with issue remaining asleep. Nevertheless remainder is essential to living a healthy and balanced life and for recuperating from sickness as well as injury. That's where marijuana for seniors plays a part.

Certain type of marijuana, like indica-dominant stress, are identified to sit back the body along with making individuals sleepy. Even "highness" cannabis things, like CBD oil, have sleep-inducing properties. Lots of people are counting on cannabis to help them sleep, young people along with seniors alike.

As a matter of fact, according to one of the most recent Eaze State of Marijuana Record, 95 percent of resting tablet customers surveyed in The gold state have in fact reduced their resting tablet usage by using CBD oil. Unlike resting tablets, cannabis is all-natural in addition to does not leave people feeling dazed in the morning.

8. Crohn's Illness

Essentially 800,000 Americans deal with Crohn's Illness, an inflammatory bowel condition that activates belly pain, bloody diarrhea, along with weight administration. It's a hard problem to handle as well as additionally does not have a cure. Really, it seriously influences victims' quality of life. Yet marijuana assistance for senior citizens and additionally more youthful grownups alike. Cannabis helps to take care of Crohn's disease symptoms and signs and give much-needed alleviation throughout flare-ups.

What's a lot more, there is some preliminary evidence to suggest marijuana can, in fact, aid send Crohn's Health problem right into remission. That's due to the fact that Crohn's is generally a puffy digestive (GI) tract as well as additionally marijuana battles that with its anti-inflammatory household or industrial homes. In fact, there are cannabinoid receptors throughout the GI tract. And likewise, according to a 2014 research study, Crohn's individuals that used marijuana had no negative side effects along with elevated cravings. Marijuana such as CBD oil/ HemPidiol for elders is absolutely worth considering for Crohn's.

9. Clinical depression

Anxiety among elders dominates. According to the Facility for Illness Control (CDC), concerning 7 million Americans over the age of 65 ended up being depressed every year. Regrettably, according to the very same record, senior citizens made up for 16 percent of self-destruction deaths in 2004. However, once again, that's one more use of marijuana for elders. Cannabis is known to boost mood as well as decrease anxiousness.

Cannabis oil is a quicker option for antidepressants. It sets off the endocannabinoid system and increases the development as well as growth of nervous tissue with little to no negative effects. It is dealing with depression with HemPiDiol a natural solution that offers customers assurance.

[newsbiteswithjennysok]

Monday, April 6th, 2020

1. Dr. Ruth has an urgent message for America’s parents. The legendary sex expert called us up over the weekend because she wanted The Post to help her tell moms and dads to stop arguing in front of their children during the COVID-19 crisis — because she’s worried about kids’ anxiety.

“I want to make sure parents know if they have disagreements, how frightened children can be. Children can be very afraid that their parents are going to divorce.” The 91-year-old — who was a kindergarten teacher before, as she put it, “started talking about orgasm and erections” — said that kids are already anxious because “they’ve never been in a situation where the schools are closed and they can’t go to the playground.”

“If you have to argue, set your alarm for 1 a.m. and argue then,” she said, quipping, “Anyway, even if you want to get a divorce, you can’t — the courts are all closed.”

2. Queen Elizabeth II made a historic televised address on Sunday — invoking her nation’s war-time spirit in the battle against the coronavirus pandemic.

“I am speaking to you at what I know is an increasingly challenging time,’’ the 93-year-old UK monarch said in only the fifth time she has addressed her subjects outside of her annual Christmas speech. “A time of disruption in the life of our country. A disruption that has brought grief to some, financial difficulties to many and enormous changes to the daily lives of us all.”

The Queen, dressed in green, made a direct comparison to her war-time address in 1940 as then-Princess Elizabeth comforting families devastated early in World War II.

“It reminds me of the very broadcast I made, in 1940, helped by my sister,” she said, with a black and white photograph showing her at the time with sister Princess Margaret.

“We as children spoke from here at Windsor to children who had been evacuated from their homes and sent away for their own safety.

“Today, once again, many will feel a painful sense of separation from their loved ones,” she said of strict lockdowns enforced in the UK.

“But now, as then, we know, deep down, that it is the right thing to do.”

She maintained that — just like with a war — her nation must “remain united and resolute then we will overcome it.”

“I hope in the years to come everyone will be able to take pride in how they responded to this challenge,” she said of the fight against the contagion.

“And those who come after us will say that the Britons of this generation were as strong as any.

“That the attributes of self-discipline, of quiet, good-humored resolve, and of fellow feeling, still characterize this country,” she said in the address that aired at 3 p.m. New York time.

“The pride in who we are is not part of our past. It defines our present and our future.”

She stressed that the war on the pandemic was “different” in that it was not one the UK was facing alone.

“This time we join with all nations across the globe in a common endeavor, using the great advances of science and our instinctive compassion to heal. We will succeed — and that success will belong to every one of us,” she insisted.

She said that “although self-isolating may be hard” it also “presents an opportunity to slow down, pause and reflect in prayer or meditation.”

The Queen made another nod to the war by referring to one of its most famous songs, “We’ll Meet Again” by Vera Lynn.

“We should take comfort that while we may have more still to endure, better days will return: we will be with our friends again; we will be with our families again; we will meet again.

“But for now, I send my thanks and warmest good wishes to you all,” she said.

The queen usually only broadcasts to the nation with her annual televised Christmas Day message.

The last time she broke that tradition was in 2012 following celebrations to mark her 60th year as queen. That came a decade after the preceding broadcast, which followed the death of her mother, the Queen Mother, in 2002 when she thanked Britons for their messages of condolence.

She also gave an address at the start of the Gulf War in 1991, and most famously, delivered a somber live broadcast after the death of her daughter-in-law, Princess Diana, in a Paris car crash in 1997 amid a national outpouring of grief and criticism of the royal family’s response.

3. The “Rocket Man” singer announced Saturday that his Elton John Aids Foundation has launched a $1 million COVID-19 emergency fund to protect individuals with HIV.

“For almost 30 years my foundation has prioritized the most vulnerable people to HIV, to end the AIDS epidemic and we’re committed to this during the COVID-19 crisis too,” John said in a video posted on Twitter.

He noted that “distributing medicine, testing and preventive treatment is not as simple as it was a few weeks ago,” and the emergency fund is meant to help.“Our new COVID-19 emergency fund will help frontline partners to prepare for and respond to the pandemic and its effects on HIV prevention and care for the most marginalized communities,” he explained. “We’re with you, we’re thinking of you, we will not leave anyone behind.”

Additional details on the fund can be found here.Earlier this week, John hosted a coronavirus relief concert called “Fox Presents the iHeart Living Room Concert for America.” The star-studded March 29 event featured Billie Eilish, Mariah Carey and Alicia Keys performing from their homes. Other performers included Tim McGraw, the Backstreet Boys, Sam Smith, Dave Grohl, Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong, Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes. The event raised more than $10 million for the fight against coronavirus.

4. Woody Allen’s controversial memoir “Apropos of Nothing” has at least one major admirer: Larry David. In a recent interview published by The New York Times, the “Seinfeld” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” creator shared some praise for Allen’s memoir, which was surprise released on March 24 courtesy of Arcade Publishing. David said, “Yeah, it’s pretty great, it’s a fantastic book, so funny. You feel like you’re in the room with him and yeah, it’s just a great book and it’s hard to walk away after reading that book thinking that this guy did anything wrong.”

Arcade touts Allen’s memoir as “a candid and comprehensive personal account by Woody Allen of his life, ranging from his childhood in Brooklyn through his acclaimed career in film, theater, television, print and standup comedy, as well as exploring his relationships with family and friends.” Allen uses the memoir to once again deny allegations of child molestation made against him by his adopted daughter Dylan Farrow. The director writes the allegation was a result of Mia Farrow’s “Ahab-like quest” for revenge against him.

5. Iowa boy Dimitri Mitchell, 18, tested positive for the coronavirus March 17.

'I was bedridden all day and I felt totally drained ... my eyes wouldn't stop watering, I had the worst headache I've ever experienced' he told GMA. He added he was 105 degrees and 'my cough was just getting worse and worse.

'Mitchell has no underlying health conditions but said: 'It's the most sick I've ever been and I told my mom I felt like I was hit by a truck.'

He was sent home twice from the hospital because he was under 60 and didn't qualify for a test but when he returned days later, he took one and tested positive. The teen thinks he may have contracted it at his grocery store job and says he was extra careful by regularly washing his hands. He admitted: 'I still never thought that I would get it -- never in a million years.'

[freakflagbyiana]

Pride & Coming out

It’s Pride month, and I’ve been listening to the coming out stories of people I know and admire. I’ve also been thinking a lot about my friends who either aren’t out or are out but their family doesn’t quite accept them... They have an “understanding” that they don’t talk about it. So here’s my coming out story, a queer memoir in 3 acts: Childhood, Puberty, and Adulthood.

Childhood

When I was a kid, I was called a Tomboy. It’s not even entirely accurate; I played with Barbies and makeup and costumes. I just also enjoyed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and video games and comic books and getting dirty. And since this was the '80s, having an androgynous haircuts wasn't an indicator of gender or sexuality one way or another, it was simply the fashion.

Here’s a fun fact: My dad potty trained me, so I first attempted to pee standing up. He quickly realized he had to demonstrate sitting down if he was going to be the one teaching me. My idea of femininity - instilled in me by my mother - was also rather androgynous or 'tomboy'. Because she had always been skinny and flat chested, I grew up naturally assuming I’d be the same. I came from mom so I’ll look like mom when I grow up, right?

I remember hating Easter. It was the only time mom made me wear a big frilly dress for the pictures we'd send to Grandma. Pictures which inevitably involved me sitting on the side of the highway in a field of bluebonnets. In these photos, I am wearing a hot, unbreathable dress with scratchy tulle to make it 'poofy', sitting in a field (probably next to some fire ants), breathing in fumes of the highway with the afternoon sun burning my retinas, and trying not to squint too much for the picture. I remember thinking, “Boys don’t have to deal with this crap” (To this day, I still take bluebonnet pictures in the shade.)

I remember liking pink because, “I’m a girl, I’m supposed to like pink. Barbie’s favorite color is pink, so if I like Barbie, I like pink.” Gender Programming in action, folks! Eventually I rebelled against this gender standard, and, to this day, I’m still allergic to pink. Later I felt vindicated when I figured out how olive-yellow my skin tone was and thus how pink will always make me look sick. But I think it will always make me feel sick, too, because it was forced on me so heavily as a child. Forced by society, that is, it wasn’t my mom’s fault. I remember not knowing quite what was going on with David Bowie in Labyrinth but being really into it. {see previous blog on the subject} My parents watched a lot of MTV in the '80s, which explains most of my music and aesthetic tastes. But, more importantly, as a kid who would not understand the negative sides of the decade - the war on drugs, the AIDS epidemic, the Yuppies - until much later, the '80s were a magical time for a baby queer. Grace Jones was a strong masculine woman of color; and Nick Rhodes made it okay for “straight” men to have what I still call the gayest pink wedding I’ve ever seen. I could go on about my influences from this decade but the points that are relevant right now are these: Androgyny was fashionable, and Genderqueer was fashionable. In so many ways, the society of my early childhood, the '80s and early '90s, accepted all this stuff far better than that of my pre-teen and teenage years, the later '90s and '00s. At the time when I was affected most by society’s views on sexuality and gender identity, the culture was shifting, becoming less fluid... More into dividing by categories and labels and, to some, moralities. In my childhood, my mother was a department store makeup artist. This is a key ingredient in the Life Story of Iana. She was a department store makeup artist for Clinique, but she really wanted to be a special effects makeup artist for the movies ... like back in the days before CGI became the most efficient option, when they still hired artisans to create prosthetic movie monsters. (RIP the glory days of prosthetic SFX.) This is why I grew up watching horror movies and wasn’t scared by the scary stuff. She always explained to me how they made the zombies look dead, or blood look real, or those amazing transformations in American Werewolf in London & Thriller. Horror education aside, she also notably introduced me to makeup, brought home by her from work for me to play with. This was her most glorious, single-mom, life-hack moment: Tell child they can play with makeup and get them set up in the dry bath tub, allow them to draw on themselves and on the walls (because it’s only tile and it’s only makeup) while you sneak in a nap on the fuzzy bathmat floor. Dangle arm over bathtub so that the child knows you’re still there. When they are done, surprise! it’s bath-time, and you’re already trapped in the tub, kid! ... Frankly, it was a true stroke of genius. When people tell me “you’re so good at makeup,” it's like, of course I am! It was one of my first toys, and I’ve been playing with it ever since. You'd be, too, if you’d been playing with it as long as you can remember. It’s simply a matter of practice: do a thing 1000 times, and you’re a master, right?

Puberty

I grew up in Cuernavaca, the “affordable” hippie area of Westlake at the time. Cuernavaca is a weird little microcosm all on it’s own... I once referred to it as “The Twin Peaks of Westlake” and I stand by that statement. I attended West Ridge Middle School from 1996 to 1999. Although I was closer to my mom, I had to live with my dad in order to go to this “better” school. All the people I'm still close to from that time were kids from my neighborhood. They weren’t completely spoiled jerks, and most were probably a little weird like me. I had a beautiful best friend named Jane. I’m using her name because I want her to know if she ever reads this. Her parents were hippies while mine were weird, artist nerds into cyberpunk and technology, and we were from opposite worlds in many ways. But both of us, along with our other close friends Chelsea and Saira, were great at art. We were like an antisocial fantasy art coven who didn’t want to get involved in school politics ... we would keep to ourselves and draw when we were supposed to be taking notes, draw during lunch, and hang out after school to draw and listen to music. We hang around after class to talk to our favorite art teacher, Ms. Mouer, who always would say, “You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!” (That’s not relevant to the story; it’s just a shoutout incase she reads this, too.) I remember this time was when Labyrinth was out of print, and I was the only girl in the neighborhood who had a VHS copy, taped off of HBO. My girlfriends would frequently come over to watch it, although once it got re-released on DVD, my house was suddenly less popular. It was in this environment that I was able to explore different aspects of my aesthetic. In hindsight, if I had been this age nowadays, I’d describe myself as non binary or genderqueer (not the same thing, but I’m not sure which I’d have used then). But at the time, I looked like an outcast no matter what; people could make their own assumptions, and I certainly wasn’t going to defend myself to anyone judging. The first Bowie album I acquired (read "stole from mom") around then was the Ryko edition of Scary Monsters - one of my favorite David Bowie songs still is Teenage Wildlife. This part always brings a tear to my eye. I think most teens can relate to this because most of us were “others” in some form: You'll take me aside, and say "Well, David, what shall I do? They wait for me in the hallway" I'll say "Don't ask me, I don't know any hallways" But they move in numbers and they've got me in a corner I feel like a group of one, no-no They can't do this to me I'm not some piece  of teenage wildlife I had developed an androgynous, genderfluid aesthetic, but, problematically, I did not have an androgynous body. I did not develop into a lanky, Twiggy-esque waif like my mother. I developed hips and breasts so suddenly that I had bright red stretch marks, everywhere. To this day, my breasts were never as big as they were then. I’m assuming it has something to do with still having “baby fat” and all the new hormones working overtime, and also my diet being sugar/dairy heavy (fatter = curvier). Later, in my 20s, I was relieved they got smaller as I cut HFCS out of my diet. In any case, sudden curves meant that I had to drop out of gymnastics ... it’s very difficult to safely throw your center of gravity around when your center of gravity is extra jiggly and changing daily.

I didn’t know how to dress for my body type. At the time when I just wanted to wear oversized band tees, the only bras I could use were underwire ... it would be years before I discovered the glory of sports bras, much less breast binders. So I wore oversized band t-shirts with underwire bras, paired with pants that never fit quite right (they still don’t) or full skirts. On top of wearing what most often resembled a giant tent, I had started cutting and coloring my own hair, so it changed regularly and got shorter. Sidecuts, mowhawks, pixie cuts, and a fully shaved head at 14 years old. From the outside looking in, you could definitely tell I was either “gender confused” or “on my way to becoming a butch lesbian” to use the language of the times; non-binary was not yet a label, especially not a respected one. My room was covered in posters of comic book women (mainly the characters from The Sandman), male rock stars (mainly Robert Smith and Keith Flint), and LOTS of pictures of Brandon Lee from The Crow, with whom I have been obsessed since age 9.

One day, mom told me about a “joke” she made to my father; taking one look at my room covered in pictures of Brandon Lee, she said to him, “At least we know she’s heterosexual” It was the first time I wanted to speak up, to argue about it with someone. I didn’t care if people outside my family assumed one way or another, but I was so angry that my mom just jumped to a conclusion like that. My own mother - who enjoyed short hair and androgynous fashion, who herself had been “a lesbian in college.” She was the one that taught me that gender and sexuality were a fluid spectrum to begin with. I didn’t argue with her though; I didn’t have any evidence to the contrary, I just knew she was wrong. I grew up watching The X-Files from day one - trading her love of David Duchovny for a deep interest with whatever Gillian Anderson was doing onscreen. Mom also took me to see The Fifth Element when it came out, and I have been in love with Milla Jovovich ever since. To this day, I have bonded with many of my male friends over these two female crushes. At this point in my life, I didn’t know if I was gay or bisexual. I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with my cisgender female identity, or if I was something else. I just knew she was totally wrong. In this time also, I would say that Jane was my best friend. She was beautiful and looked exactly like Claire Danes in Stardust, which is crazy to me now, because she and I had been obsessed with Neil Gaiman’s works long before any movies and Stardust was always one of her favorites. It's impossible for me to watch the movie now without thinking of her.

So I was close to my best friend because we were weird kids. So I thought she was beautiful because she objectively was. So what? Was I gay for my best friend? Probably a bit but no more than is normal to be gay for your best friend. ... I mean, I think even heterosexual, same-sex besties should be a little gay for each other. That’s how close friendships work! This is a person you love so much that you have their back in 99% of situations, you would bury a body with, etc. You should think they’re attractive even if you don’t want to sleep with them yourself, you should enjoy their company often even if you don’t want to marry them yourself, you should love them enough that it doesn’t matter if people accuse you of being gay for them. Platonic love is still love, so even if that person is gay and you’re not, it doesn’t mean their love is romantic. What I’m building up to, dear audience, is the other shoe dropping. Jane’s “hippie” father didn’t like me. He was in the National Guard and had just come back from dealing with the aftermath of the war in Bosnia and living in Russia for a while. After Russia he was different; he bought Jane very sexy (for a fifteen-year-old), form-fitting dresses, dressed her up like a Barbie and became more strict at home. I remember her finding it distressing, but she liked fashion, so it seemed like the typical patriarchal tradeoff that my gender faces: If you want to have shiny objects bought for you, you have to obey the breadwinning man of the house. And then, in the midst of that, here came I, parading around their house with my strong sense of self, thanks to my '80s-influenced, genderfluid upbringing. How dare I waltz in there and preach the word of David Bowie to his little Stepford daughter? I, on the other hand, just knew that they were hippies, they were supposed to be into peace, love, unity; acceptance of other, races, cultures, and “free love.” I was just a kid, how was I supposed to realize her father was so threatened by my very presence in his daughter’s life? It was so long ago that I don’t quite remember if he accused me of being gay to my face, or if Jane relayed the questions he asked her about me when I wasn’t there. But I vividly remember uncomfortable dinners, where vague personal questions that would be downright unacceptable to ask a child today were posed to me. When I asked my mother what to do, she wrote Jane's father off as “an asshole,” because she was familiar with the type of man he was. She told me to just stop going over there. But then how was I supposed to hang out with my best friend? Well, in truth, after that I didn’t really. She would have to make the effort to hang out with me at mine, or I’d just see her at school. But in truth, she totally checked out of the friendship after that. She put her head down and concentrated on getting good grades in school like she was serving a sentence in jail. I knew she had always wanted to make costumes, but after that time, she suddenly needed to get better grades as her father wanted her to become a lawyer or something related. (Eventually, she ended up making costumes after all) In April of 1999, right before I graduated from 8th grade, something happened that would change my life - and the country - forever: the Columbine school shooting. At the time, the only story we were told was that the shooters were goths, and they shot up the school because they were being bullied by jocks. (We now know that it was the other way around, the shooters were also the bullies.) And here I was, a baby goth and a genderqueer “lesbian” in a school full of rich, preppy jocks. The media perpetuated the “us vs them” situation, magnifying the underlying misconceptions and misjudgment. To be honest, I probably would not have gone to Westlake high school in any case, but Columbine sealed the deal. My mom and I loved watching Heathers, and I knew a similar environment awaited me at Westlake. Fortunately, it was around this time that I became acquainted with another Cuernavaca kid who was in the grade above me, Maria Russo. She was out as a lesbian or bisexual (I don’t remember which exactly as they were essentially the same thing in that environment) and was the only other goth girl in school. She wore ripped fishnets and dog collars and was obsessed with both Rocky Horror Picture Show and mermaids. She told me she wasn't going to Westlake either and that I should join her at this cool, hippie high school she found, The Griffin School. So even though I was only 14, I told my parents I was not going to go to arguably the best public school in the city, and that instead they were going to work together to send me to this weird, small private school for artsy kids. I was always a good student, except for middle school and I blame that on everyone being more concerned about social status than actually learning anything. That’s the irony of privilege, nobody appreciated the educational resources they had they just cared whether or not my clothes were from the Gap. I sold my parents on sending me to Griffin because of my grades suffering, the fact that my best friend and I had drifted apart, and then Columbine making the world more dangerous for goth kids really sealed the deal... The backlash meant that my safety was more severely threatened by the clothes I put on everyday, which I had been wearing for years already. I attended Griffin for all four years of high school and had one of the rarest experiences for a teen - I thoroughly enjoyed every year of high school. And it wasn’t because I was popular and peaked in high school either. I felt my sense of self was respected, my sexuality or gender identity wasn’t a concern to the staff or to the other parents. Also, I made excellent grades. I have since reconnected with several of my middle school friends that attended different high schools. But I never saw or spoke to Jane again.

Adulthood

As an adult, I identify as Bisexual. There is a myth that bisexuality excludes being attracted to people of non-binary orientation because you are attracted to "males OR females." The way I see it, the "bi" in bisexual refers to both ends of sexuality as a spectrum between heterosexual relationships and homosexual relationships. The stuff in between is undefined but included.

Many of the people who would have been considered Bisexual in the '90s identify as Pansexual today. That’s fine, but I’m not going to do that. I’ve considered myself bisexual since puberty; I don’t see the point in rebranding my sexuality now when I know what I mean by it, and that’s all that matters. But I think the reason Bisexuality split off into Pansexuality is that Bisexual is still a four letter word in the gay community. It’s better than it used to be, but there’s still this feeling that we’re not gay enough.

I once talked to a Pansexual who said she has been attracted to all kinds of things, including trees. And I thought, first, "that’s very interesting," and second, "I definitely don’t identify as that." This makes it hard to be a loud and proud bisexual; I don’t hide it, but I’ve kept it private for a reason. In the past, when a lesbian I had just met (at a party) asked me about my sexuality and I said I was bi. She then interrogated me about my gay experiences in a way that made me very uncomfortable. I finally interrupted her by shouting - “I don’t have to tell you anything!” - I didn’t know her, and it was none of her business. I got defensive because it took me by surprise, both, I suppose, because I expected more from another member of the queer community, and because it triggered memories of those uncomfortable dinners with Jane’s father. But the great thing about being an adult is that peer pressure isn’t real. No one can actually force you do anything you don’t want to do or tell them anything you don’t want to share simply by “putting pressure” on you to do their will. So I stick to the Bisexual label, partially out of resentment. I had to fight so hard to find this identity; I changed schools and lost one of my closest friends over it. I’m not going to stop being bisexual just because there are some mean girls in the gay community. And, in the end, I will always defend use of the term Bisexual: it was good enough for David Bowie, and he was a fucking Genderqueer alien. If the King/Queen of Genderqueer aliens Hermself feels included by this term, why wouldn’t I? Weirdness is a part of me right down to my sexuality and gender identity. I will always be attracted to the “others” of the world. In the end, I don’t belong in the gay clubs because I don’t like dancing to Beyonce, not because I’m not gay enough.

Although we’ve come a long way, people are still surprised if I mention that I’m not straight. Not every member of the queer community is an effeminate boy or a butch girl. Just because I look comfortable as a cisgender female doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle with my gender identity my entire childhood. I went to see Eddie Izzard do his standup act the other night, the first time since I’d seen him live in 2003. Towards the end he got heckled with something simultaneously misogynist and homophobic - “SHOW US YOUR TITS!” - and audible cringe swept over the audience as we began to boo. I thought, “WOW, He’s been out since the '80s, he’s so established and respected and famous now, and he still can’t get away from this stuff.” You never get away from it, there will always be a problem for someone. All you can hope for is a bigger, better group of people around you to boo on your behalf. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “wait this is your coming out story, when do you come out to your parents?” The truth is I didn’t. This blog entry, coming out to the general public, is the most coming out I’ve ever done. I didn’t have real relationships when I was in school, and I got married to a bisexual boy when I was 19, so it never came up. At the time, we were openly bisexual to each other but neither of us really had “the conversation” with our parents. He didn’t because they were British and, although I have no doubt they would have accepted him, Brits just didn’t talk about that stuff out loud. I used to think of him as choosing to be repressed, choosing to remain in the closet, but it’s only recently that I’ve realized that would mean I chose the same thing. I didn’t have “the conversation” with my parents because A) I wasn’t having relations under their roof either way; B) my “woke” mom had already assumed wrong, and I wasn’t close to my dad; and C) I felt it was none of their business. By the time I confirmed my sexuality, I was an adult, and they had no say in the matter anyway. That’s the million dollar question - if you know your parents accept and love you either way, do you need to have a conversation about it? Are you still in the closet even if you make no attempts to hide your sexuality or gender identity? Many of my clients are various degrees of queer and trans, going through their own complex struggles with all the emotional dust that Pride month kicks up. For example, those we have lost. ... I am again reminded of the recent void left behind by an older gay friend, the closest I had to a brother; we lost him in December to suicide shortly after he was diagnosed with advanced HIV. He was in his 40s and there appeared to be some form of denial coming from his family. Even though he was a fully grown adult, it seemed like he chose suicide over living as a “sick” person and having to address the facts with his family. Pride isn’t just about rainbow outfits and drag shows. Pride in the queer community is essential to survival. Lots of statistics prove this out in different ways; here’s just two of them: “LGB youth seriously contemplate suicide at almost three times the rate of heterosexual youth." And "LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth.” [source: The Trevor Project] If is that common as a teenager, do you think that changes when you grow up into a gay adult? Not necessarily. But I’m not going to end on a sad note. I have a lot of happy memories associated with Pride, too. My favorite part of living in Chicago in my early 20s was being a block away from Boystown, the gayberhood. The parade would come down our street, Broadway, off Belmont. For a few glorious hours the street was absolutely covered in rainbow confetti and glitter. Then as everyone moved indoors to drink and party, because Chicago is a proper city, the street sweepers would drive by and clean up all the litter like nothing ever happened. Below are some pictures from Chicago Pride 2005. That year was the first and only time I’ve ever seen RuPaul perform, way before Drag Race, when Supermodel was still his top hit. The Grand Marshal was Wilson Cruz, and, as a '90s latchkey kid who watched reruns of My So-Called Life with some of TV's first out gay teens, that was very exciting! (CW: this picture of the proud gay WWII vets makes me cry every time)

In the process of writing this blog, a client who came out to me as non-binary. It’s always exciting for my shop to be considered a safe space for people to come out before they deal with the complications of telling family, if they even tell their family. We related on a lot of the same levels. Being outright gay is difficult, being outright trans is difficult. ... But being nonbinary/bisexual can be difficult in a different way; it’s like flying under the radar, sometimes even to yourself. You’re not denying that part of you is 'other', but you know you’re not 'other enough' to be Grand Marshal of the Pride Parade. Especially for folks of my generation who grew up with the fashionable androgyny of the '80s/'90s. Then when you hit puberty and struggle with having a very feminine or masculine skewing body, it’s easy enough to fall back into binary fashion since those are the only clothes that are made to fit your body. This is one of the reasons there’s so many older people discovering this stuff about themselves now. Now we finally have language for the nuances of gender identity, so we’re all able to talk about it together. Strangely enough, these concepts are as old as mankind, the language is only new to the western culture. One of my favorite things to read about is the five gender system of Native American cultures: men, women, trans men, trans women, and nonbinary are all mentioned. {see this super-rad article here} In the end, though, when people ask me about my pronouns, I still don’t know what to say. I'll get that feeling like I'm taking a test I haven’t studied for. I’m still wired to be unconcerned with what people think of me, what they call me, but I’ll try to answer to the best of my understanding. I don’t feel entirely comfortable being a female or dressing femme. But I damn well love costumes, and I got comfortable with makeup early on in my childhood. So when people compliment my feminine aesthetics, I see it as being good at drag. Like high femme feels more like drag than when when I dress in androgynous or boyish looks. High femme is a lot of work but simultaneously (relatively) easy because I understand the programming I’ve been receiving since I was a little girl. Androgyny is easier and more comfortable for my brain but also more difficult to execute given the body I have and the way they make clothes for it. (I’m getting better though, I just got a binder by gc2b which I’m eagerly awaiting in the mail any day now!) Anyway, I’m comfortable with “she” as my pronoun - in the same way RuPaul is called “she” when in drag, even though he’s “he” when he’s just Charles, right? It’s like the same way I don’t care when someone gets my name wrong the first time they try to pronounce it. ... I don’t care what you call me, just as long as you see me. 20 years later and I’m still friends with Maria, who many of you will know as the mermaid Co-Owner of Cute Nail Studio - otherwise known as the Gayest Nail Studio in the city, state, possibly the country. I hope she knows how proud I am of her and how eternally grateful I will forever be for getting me out of Westlake. It was like she tossed me a big gay lifesaver when I needed it most. In the end I think the key is not being afraid, especially now, to talk about those things. Especially during Pride when so many different flavors of queer (and non-) come together to celebrate. Don't be afraid to talk about your own pathway, the unsureness you still might have, and the childhood experiences that made you realize you were born just a little weird. Stick together so that you don't feel isolated and don't settle for feeling like a group of one. REACH OUT to you brothers and sisters and siblings of no discernible gender and tell them you love them. Love people as an act of defiance. Walk tall with your strong sense of self.