#fuckana

[curlyescargot]

TW: ed

I'm literally so sick of this. My mom literally only comes in my room to ask me if I've eaten, what I've eaten and if I can bring my dishes to the kitchen. It's almost like she cares about my disorder more than me.

[recoveryinvegan]

Nearly there

i feel dizzy

maybe i should stop,

just a little bit more

yeah it’s ok, nothing it’s gonna happen

my heart is beating too fast

it’s just the adrenaline

i don’t like this, i’m gonna stop now

today it’s the last day

i promise

ok, Tomorrow it’s going to be the day

but i said that last week too 

no no, it’s ok

but i swear this time it’s going to be the one

i can feel it...

ok, just once again

i need to stop for a second

but then it will be harder

you’ re right, just this last time

it’s nearly all out, then we can pretend nothing happened

ok, i swear this is the last time

i promise just one more, and then i’m all done

it’s an habit, i can’t just let it go

you don’t understand me

you can’t 

i promise i’m doing better

yeah, one more time it’s not going to change anything

ok, maybe i should just go out for a run

i will feel better

i’m not ok

should i feel like this?

yes it’s normal, just keep going

a little bit more, i can do it

maybe i can’t, but still don’ t stop

it’s all too much

no that’s a lie, 

everything it’s going to be ok

can’t you see it? i’m dong soo much better

look it’s all ok i’m just eating healty 

little steps.

everything is under control, you just need to trust me

i’ve done it again...

don’t think about it, we all make mistakes

but for this one last time

keep going, we’re already halfway throught

at this point i might as well do it right

i can’ t breathe

i know, but you’ re nearly there

[sshhh-its-a-secret]

uuhhh

I have 30 lbs to lose and it is so hard to do it the healthy way. Now that I have recognized I am over eating its like Ana rears her ugly head and reminds me of how great hunger feels....What people never talk about is how long you love with illnesses like this they don't just go away and you live happily ever after. One day years down the line you will have to fight it just like you do in recovery. So I am fighting it but I'm starting to lose and I know it. When the healthy way takes so long and everyone is raving about fasting and one meal a day. It's all triggers that end up difficult to fight. So I sit here hungry but enjoying it cursing myself for enjoying it.

[swampgrandma]

ED Tingz

Not to toot my own horn but I had TWO pieces of meatloaf, a piece of corn, and a potato at dinner. This time last year, that would have been impossible. 

A M A Z I N G 

[skelefin-blog]

me: ok i dont wanna go to a program so im gonna maintain

my parents: just eat so we dont have to deal with this again (actual quote)

me: lmao fuck that ima be skinni

[pandacorn22]

Yes it says fat across my stomach, carved it a while ago but fuck it I bought something for me and almost at my goal weight to wear it comfortably

[pansexualgabriel]

.

[is-prinsessa]

TW✖️

Throwing it back to when I used to balance on the edge of complete self destruction. To when food was an enemy and Ana kept screaming at me that I wasn’t doing enough. To when I used to drink tons of water to make the hunger go away. To secretly throwing away food, to the secret measuring tape and the scale I kept under my bed, to the diary with calorie counts, to sleepless nights spent on the floor doing situps, to having a goal weight of 38 kg, to sitting on the bathroom floor over the toilet with my fingers down my throat, to not eating until I fainted and started hallucinating. To all the tears, secrets, lies, panic attacks, disappointment and the constant feeling of failure.

I suppose this darkness will always be a part of me, but I feel like I’ve managed to overcome it, at least a little. There are still days when I stand in front of the mirror and feel ashamed because my bones are not visible anymore. But Ana doesn’t have any power over me anymore. And I kicked her out of my head all by myself. I feel like I’m allowed to be proud of myself. And that’s a first.

[nakedpartyguest]

When I Return

One day I will return to myself The soul that had been strangled and squeezed until it popped out of my flesh Will saunter back home after losing its map. Tired and parched But especially starved It will lift the covers and crawl back in. On a crisp morning when the sheets are cool The morning light is blue and still Each breath is a perfect pressure, chest rises and falls to the rhythm of white noise. Bed welcomes the slight stirring before drifting back into a dream. When I wake the day will be new, And after having been empty for so long I will finally be full.

[depressariums]

nurse shit

I had an appointment with liaison nurse today after a 2 week break. It was hard, stepping back on the scale. I had a big ‘recovery win’ this morning - I ate breakfast and didn't restrict fluids before weigh in. I explained that I had a tough week, that last week I kinda let everything go to shit and low-restricted for the first time in forever, but this week I pulled myself out. Back to meal plan, ish. But in her charts my weight is the same as when we last saw each other. Do you not trust the figures? No. Yes. I am devastated. I waste a lot of our time quizzing her on my appearance. I try to get her to admit it’s all really not that bad, to get her to tell me what I won’t dare tell myself. That I’m not critical, and therefore not worrying, a drain on their resources, a wilful little brat, fine. She doesn’t quite cave but after I push and pull she finally says something that triggers me; it hits me like a drug of choice. Give me more reasons to fuck with my food because I am running out. Make me feel like a fraud so I can indulge my illness another week, another day. Tell me I’m not in danger so I edge closer and closer to it. I’m sorry mother, I’m sorry god.

[recoverywings]

Esse foi meu almoço de hoje: feijão, cenoura e acelga. 

Foi muito difícil comer. Inicialmente, fui para a fila do almoço (na escola) com minha amiga, mas acabei desistindo e só a assisti comer. Meu plano era ficar de NF pelo menos até hoje às 20h, mas de preferência até amanhã ou depois (48h ou 72h). 

Dois fatores me levaram a optar por comer: eu estava literalmente passando mal de frio e precisava tomar o remédio (carbonato de lítio).

Eu chutei a bunda da Ana e me sinto bem por isso. 

Antes de comer eu estava escrevendo uma lista de coisas que quero fazer quando estiver recuperada (que vou postar aqui mais tarde) e pensei em várias coisas que seriam positivas sobre tratar a anorexia e sobre coisas que seriam melhores se eu nunca tivesse sido pega pelo transtorno. Pensei em como meus familiares, amigos e namorado ficariam felizes por mim se eu me recuperasse, então me senti motivada. 

A Ana não vai ter o que ela quer porque eu sou mais forte e inteligente que ela.

[typinteokej]

~ just ed things ~

stomach fucking exploding after drinking 102129 liters of pepsi max 

[curlyescargot]

TW: ED

Idk why the fuck my brain is like this. It's like one minute I'm thinking I should recover, and that I need too because its gotten out of hand, I've reached my 'goal weight' twice and just keep going, and if I don't stop soon, health problems will become a real thing.

Then the other half of my brain calls me fat 24/7, shames me for eating fucking watermelon, and tells me I'm not sick enough to recover. I just don't know which one to believe.

Like FUCK when did my life get like this, why am I letting it keep going, and then at the same time when I try to stop it really is like I can't which is what I promised wouldn't happen.

whatever.

[x-ghostgrl-x]

breakfast

[kaputtesscherbenlicht-blog]

"Your life fucking matters!"

-kaputtesscherbenlicht

[tinyrecovery-blog]

A full day of eating from yesterday! Before I start my spiel about what is in store for me today, let’s recap yesterday’s eating: 

Breakfast: A bowl of oats nice and early out in the sun- I had work at 7am, so I had to whip up a quick nourish bowl that was going to fill me up for long enough. It had three cups of Uncle Toby’s Instant Oats, banana, pomegranate, coconut-covered dates, kiwi fruit and some burnt coconut shavings. It all went down well, but especially after my meal-replacement protein shake (that is an addition not a replacement), I was very full and felt quite guilty, but oh well. 

Lunch: When I got home from work (at about 12:30), Mum had prepared me 10 rice paper Vietnamese rolls with a variety of veggies and some tofu. I haven’t had these in years, so I was super excited because they were freaking delicious!! 

Dinner: For dinner, I went with my best friend’s family to this cafe near the theatre. She does a performing group, and its tradition that we all go to dinner before watching her. This was the first show I’d been to in this state, so I was a little bit nervous about eating in front of them. I also wore a tight white top (my outfit is pictured), so I was scared about bloating since the restaurant was Italian. Either way, I ordered a main size serve of the creamy tomato penne.... BEST THING EVER! I legit want the recipe! Dessert was a tub of this awesome rolled icecream, but I didn’t finish it all because I felt guilty. 

Today I have the dreaded doctor’s appointment... to determine if I can go away with my friends. We got sent the blood test results back- my liver enzymes are slightly elevated, and my thyroid is abnormal like last time, but with no change. Mum thinks maybe it has to do with developed hyperthyroidism.... fingers crossed that its only that, and maybe my liver was from having some panadol or something. But I also hope I have gained weight and that I don’t have to go to hospital... that would be horrible. Before that, my bestie and I are going to get waxes and our nails done... I don’t know if I’ll be able to relax to be honest because I am so freaking nervous. 

I’ll post an update later x 

stay strong <3