#fuck this shit and i cant even take my meds that i usually take for anxiety attacks cuz they lower my blood pressure

[phagodyke]

back home and my washing is done and I need to eat lunch and do my ironing and then I've done all the tasks on my list and I can spend the rest of the day having a mental breakdown and then go straight to sleep woohoo

[funerals]

official announcement to all my mutuals: I apologize and warn u in advance that I'm off my meds and will not stop fucking rambling sorry for the literal paragraphs I'm leaving in ur replies I just can't shut up okay love u bye

[kamitsubakii]

I cleaned the entire living room and dining room, vacuumed the futons (one I use as a bed), wiped down the glass table, and washed the dishes and yet I feel like I didn't do it properly or good enough and it's giving me intense anxiety

[jacklesraised]

my gift is being annoying, see, i can hate myself and be so horrendously anxious that i think trying to make being alive easier for myself is somehow offensive to others bc thats how so many people online act like literally any accomodations not made by the doctors that dont care abt you at all are somehow unnecessary and ‘fishing for attention’ to the point i ruin myself and destroy my body avoiding accomodations bc i dont want to ‘seem like a bad person’ for quite literally needing help. but give me a tv show and 30 seconds with new information and i will either give you the most thought provoking theory or the most wildcard theory ever and always be correct.

[npdkondraki]

hihihi it’s me again ^_^ can i get a basic rundown/explanation of theresa and sam i would like to know more about them 🙏

(also funny story, our first rewrite was also named moore)

oh god oh fuck . this got so long . stelly i am so sorry you activated my autism trap card. enjoy the uh . multi-paragraph infodump.

ok FIRST OFF. basically the very very very basic lore rundown vis a vis What The Hell Is Their Issue is that essentially theyre both semi-hosts to a fucked up fungus* (*think of cordyceps fungi if u want a similar example ^_^) thats using their bodies to keep itself alive.

in moore's case it primarily resides in his throat & mouth* (*hence the fucked up hoarse & wavery voice + stutter) & in theresa's case it primarily resides in her heart* (*hence the fact she essentially just. cannot die. it just refuses to let her heart stop beating. lol. sucks to be her). moore's "healing" is essentially speeding up the healing process but sacrificing pieces of himself to do so, meanwhile he recovers at the same rate a normal human would with those injuries. the entire process is just . incredibly painful and draining for him. sucks to be that guy Lol Lmfao Even.

ok hope you got that. NOW onto their . like. normal actual dynamics i promise this is Far easier to explain.

moore works primarily on site as a sign language interpreter, and he'll pretty much work on anything he can have access to. the man loves information and its basically enrichment for him to be allowed to translate things. he also doubles as an off site medic, traveling primarily to areas where medical help isn't able to be received quick as a first resort health system so they don't use up their medical resources as quick. really the only reason they even have him on medical calls is because he was a med student who just . never went into nursing after graduation. worlds most traumatized 42 year old man who has not socially progressed past the age of 10. He Sucks Bad. its great

THERESA, on the other hand, is just. worlds worst interviewer. she works primarily with the more "violent" or typically dangerous humanoid scps doing interviews which . usually ends in her getting her ass kicked or being dragged out of the room before anything actually gets physical (really, its just because the foundation doesnt want to spend more money on fixing her messes than they have to). her main goal is pretty much to see how much they can take before it turns to violence. theresa takes primary control over anything relating to moore with the justification that he doesn't "truly understand what he's getting into", so long as she has permission from the higher ups.

theres just So Much happening in the background in their relationship honestly like. brief examples include theresa purposefully keeping him sheltered and insisting he not socialize with anyone as a way to keep him under her thumb, the fact moore hates her but literally wouldnt know who he is without her and also thats his sister still and he cant just Leave Her, and also just the fact alone that she, even within foundation walls, has found a way to isolate him further and keep him truly controlled. also like . dont even get me started on theresa purposefully injuring herself so moore will heal her so she has to take care of him and just manipulate him further. endless spiral. they suck so fucking much. my constant go-to is just "cain & abel if they sucked shit and were awful for eachother". but that would take Forever to properly explain so i will not even try to. anyways.

fuckignff. yeah thats it. thats the most basic summary i can nail down. thumbs up.

[hyunsvngs]

hey juno…its me again🧎🏻‍♀️.

okay so porn star chan…but hes ur boyfriend. youre at his house and hes filming a lil something so youre in the living room, you start developing this reall bad migraine and youre looking for the medicine you keep at his house. the issue is, your eyes are blurry from the migraine and you cant see well so you take the first meds you see…uh oh its his aphrodisiac he takes to keep himself excited during longer shoots…

SO NOW YOURE EXTREMELY HORNY AND WHINING FOR HIM THROUGH THE DOOR AND I JUST- JUNO DO YOUR THING BOO

oh…. my God. YU?!!!!?! SHIT.

putting this under a cut for potential dub!con since reader is under the effect of aphrodisiac pills, but she does gen want chan (mood). also this got way too long and i did modify the ask a bit BUT ITS SEXY SO ENJOY:D

pornstar!chan is filming a solo video in his room and you’re looking for your pain meds, rubbing your temples cautiously while you stumble through the house. you’ve been at chan’s place more than enough times, you know your way around, but the fuzziness around your eyes is preventing you from finding the bathroom door.

eventually, you all but fall into the bathroom and pull open the medicine cabinet, finding the familiar little white tablet bottle. you immediately choke back two, feeling refreshed instantly from a placebo effect. trying to block out chan’s dirty talk and deep, gravelly moans in his bedroom, you make your way back to the couch.

it only takes ten minutes. all of a sudden, you can feel your folds slicking up with your essence, and you try to ignore it. it wouldn’t be the first time you’d had a physical reaction to chan’s moans and voice ordering out commands in one of his instructional videos. except, as you hear his video come to an end, your stomach only pools with even more heat and need and you find yourself making your way to his bedroom before you can even process it.

he’s all done up, hair slicked back neatly with his signature gel and abs covered in massage oil. it had been one of those kinda videos. he’d just shut the camera off and cleaned himself up, and his eyes look at you in surprise when you enter. he was still naked. good, you mused. “baby! i just finished, heh, did you need anything?”

you’re crossing the room and straddling his lap before you know it, feeling your wet core sopping through your thin pyjama shorts. he lets out a little ‘oof’ in surprise, before his hands are going immediately to your ass.

you’re babbling, hands running up and down his body and slicking with the excess oil. “h-had a migraine, felt so dizzy, channie, but now- fuck, need you, need you, can you go again? can you-?”

“oh, baby, of course i can. always can for you, but-“ he blinked at you, winding one hand into your hair to pull at the strands softly. you keened, grinding down into his length that was already thickening with lust again. “oh my god, no fucking way.”

he was laughing. he was laughing at you while you were practically dying with need on his lap, and you didn’t even care, looking at him in slight confusion as you worked yourself up into a frenzy on his lap. “wha- wha’ is it, channie? need- hnnngg-“

chan didn’t halt the movement of your hips in the slightest, instead bucking up into you and letting you feel the erection he was sporting already. perks of being a pornstar - that refractory period was definitely a bonus. “i think you took some of the pills i take on set, baby. that’s why you’re feeling so needy for daddy.”

at the drop of his usual title in bed, you shifted your pyjama shorts to the side, letting him feel your wet folds gliding on his length. “hnnnn- the pills? w-what? ugh, don’t care! gimme your cock daddy.”

chan’s laughing again, a little chuckle leaving his plush lips in disbelief before he’s positioning his length at your dripping hole. he grips your hips, raising you up before lowering you slowly onto his thick length, letting you feel the big stretch. you keened, immediately starting to bounce up and down. chan groaned, leaning back in his computer chair. he was in shock you’d given yourself no time to adjust, but then he knew the effect these pills had.

you continued bouncing, moaning and keening and letting your fingers dig into his thick thighs.

“that’s it, baby. good girl. let daddy fuck that need out of you until you’re creaming all around my cock, hmm?”

-

♡ juno

(i’m sorry)

[jackieandwilsonbyhozier]

hi hello is anyone out there ? i need real life adult advice or maybe i just need ppl to pretend to listen to me so would anyone mind pretending for a moment. ok thank u

ill make it quick for the poll but put my actual thoughts under a readmore bc i have a lot to say sry....anyway vote in the poll reply reblog send me asks whatever just somebody help me for the love of god.

basically i hate my job and its killing my soul but im making pretty good money ($20/hour) but now they want to promote me to a manager which will kill my soul even more, but ill be making $27/hour. i kind of just want to quit but now theres that, plus if i stay for 2.5 more years i can sell my company stocks and get another big bonus. but again its fucking killing me working here

so i have been at my retail job for 2.5 years im a department manager and im very comfortable and confident in my position also im making $20 an hour which is great. i just got like a semi promotion i guess so now on days when they dont have a manager to close (usually 2 days a week) im the manager on duty and those days i make $22 an hour

however now they rly want to promote me to a manager full time. like the store manager and assistant manager r both telling me how great i would be and even the fcking district manager apparently agrees and wants me. i would be making ! $27 ! an hour which tbh is the only thing actually tempting me

i honestly kind of hate being a manager. i mean i like working with like the product and planning and paperwork and that stuff im confident in that but i hate hate hate actually having to manage PEOPLE. coworkers AND customers. im an extremely sensitive timid pushover-y person i just am and that is where i face the most difficulty. angry customers make me panic and i cant make myself be assertive enough for any of my coworkers to listen to anything i say

and most of all i hate the like manager culture/attitude. if uve worked in retail or probably anywhere else maybe ull know what i mean. like laughing at ur workers bc they asked for accommodations, making fun of them bc theyre all stupid and useless, chasing homeless ppl out of the store and shouting insults at them, basically just being a bully bc u know u can cuz ur in charge. and i rly rly dont want to participate in that and wont but then the other managers wont respect me lol

and actually bottom line is im sick to death of retail. this job is already draining me and if i become a manager im afraid itll be worse. obviously customers kill me and i would be happy if the rest of my life i never had to serve another customer. but even besides them. it takes me over an hour to bus to work and that wasted time adds up. i kind of put my all into work so when i get home i dont have the energy to do literally anything else. i dont know how to have a work/life balance i only know how to work. im a little bit living in filth it feels like bc i cant make myself do chores or take care of myself it feels like my life is just work, and then being at home waiting to have to go back to work

i havent gotten new piercings or tattoos in a couple years, and i havent cut or dyed my hair in over a year, its back to plain brown which i havent seen since i was like 17. its kind of killing my spirit not to be dramatic but thats the truth. art and creativity are the most important things to me and i feel like im losing myself bc i dont have the energy to keep up with stuff like that anymore the stuff i rly care about like my self expression, i feel like im killing myself in order to turn myself into a normie ass-kissing servant. i dont even draw anymore i dont do shit. im honestly kind of depressed as fuck. i mean i also havent been on my meds for over a year now which im sure isnt helping

but.........if i keep this up i could be making $27 an hour :-) the position is more than just being handed to me theyre practically begging me to take it. also another thing about my job is that u somehow accumulate/earn (?) stocks in the company, and after uve been here for 5 years u can sell them. but only if uve been working for 5 years. if u leave before that u lose them all. so if i stay another 2.5 years ill get another big bonus when i leave. but the thought of staying here that long kind of makes me wanna die😭

because thats the thing too and my final point, i honestly dont need the money. im 100% fine financially where i am rn. i have enough that i can pay my bills and put a lot in savings and buy my fun treats and whatever and i literally never ever worry about money this is the most money ive had in my life ive saved up quite a bit too. even if i just quit my job rn i would be good for like at least six months probably more. but i rly love being in this position financially lol. like im literally just like i love money yes i want more money thats the only thing making me want to stay

so i guess after typing all that out i can confidently say i dont like this job at all i just love money. im earning a lot already but i could be earning even more if i take the promotion but i AM losing my mind and kind of dont even want to work here at all anymore. i honestly dont know whats worth it i know all work is soul sucking and miserable so like should i just be grateful for what i have?? and what im being offered??

what i rly actually want to do is become a tattoo artist. i think i would be a lot happier and freer but my income would be a lot more uncertain as well which im very scared of like idk i havent been like tight on money and struggling in so long i dont want to give it up like ive been running like this so long idk how to stop. i rly dont know what to do

[komero-otus]

I've tried to not write vent posts because usually they don't help me that much but right now I have no other place I feel like I can just puke all this to, so into the void it goes. I'm so stressed and so tired and somehow SHIT KEEPS GETTING WORSE. like yeah it could always be even worse worse but I am already at my limit. Money's tight, I have bills to pay, I don't clean enough and I reap the consequences of my actions, my dysphoria is kicking me every day so hard and overall body-image issues are STILL hounding me. I don't have a job, I can barely take care of myself, I feel like I'm not giving enough to the people around me and I suck as a person (I know this is probs depression and insecurity talking but I just hate letting people down and I feel like I just keep letting down every single person in my life.) I need to pay for doctor and physiotherapy stuff, I need to pay for meds. The building I live in is being renovated and the nonstop loud drilling sound makes me want to cease existing. the renovations or fixing or whatever theyr doin causes all other type of complications I really dont need rn. I feel so useless and drained all the time. I found bugs in my apartment, I want to puke, I blame myself because I am the one who didn't do enough to prevent things from getting this bad. I'm worried about the people around me, I'm worried about people I don't even know. Shit's so bad all the time like what the fuck is even the point. I know what the point is I know I know I know but I've been in a shit headspace for so long. but I cant even talk about it to people whose JOB is to help because I'm scared if my depression diagnosis goes back to more severe levels on paper, I won't get my transition going and it's already been such a long wait and it's already so precarious and I won't be able to take it if they kick me out again. what the fuck. like. I can't handle all this. I can. I have to. but for now I just feel like total shit. why can't I just function better and be better and do better. it shouldn't be this hard. what the fucjk. I'm so tired I can't do this. I will do it I will continue please dont worry about me but like FUCK. ughhh. whatever Im gonna go take the trash out or something and drink some water. all this stress better not trigger my aura migraines again I've been free from those for long dont fucking come back. fucking auugghhh shits bad

[muttfangs]

walking on my way to work this morning felt like idk I can feel the cyclical futility sinking in and I'm trying to like. give myself space and time bc I know it'll probably take another full week for me to feel 100% myself again from the meds, I was pretty severely sick and I think I did my usual old man like. downplay of just how fucked up I actually was from this so I can feel "strong" and not helpless

i'm so deeply exhausted and depressed from the struggle tho fr. im tired. my entire life has been an overwhelming, violent fight for stability and there isn't any relief in sight. therapy does nothing. I know who I am, what i want, where I want to be and what I need to not feel like I want to end myself. but I'm literally stuck in constant limbo because I'm poor, and I do not have a choice but to keep destroying myself at jobs that exploit the fuck out of me so I can live in squalor and feel miserable and have no social life bc by the time I get home I'm so burnt I cant even speak.

going back to school feels so far away. this is going to take me another year, maybe two, to even get back into school. at least three or four to finish school. and the idea of having to put up with being this miserable for that long makes me feel like I'm going to scream and explode into a shower of blood and viscera.

this shit is bad enough on its own, but being brainweird and chronically ill / in pain on top of this is just making my life so much harder and it feels so much more inescapable. I don't know. everything feels super, super awful. I'm trying to hang in there but I feel like I've been white-knuckle gripping what shreds of a life I have for the past decade. and my muscles are shaking and weak and I can't hold on forever.

idk. I don't really need like a reply, I'm just. I wish I had answers. I wish I could feel better. I want solutions so I don't feel the drudgery and I want to live, at least a little

[chronic-invisibility]

Tw for mental health issues and shit

I feel like i should maybe tell my parents i think i need to be hospitalized, im so so so depressed it’s not been this bad since 2019, maybe even since 2012/2013. But im terrified to go to the hospital, it was so awful when i was there in 2013 and obv it would be different bc i was in a pediatric ward and now i’d be in with adults, but it would be so awful. None of my usual routines and they’d try to make me eat food i either cant or wont eat bc a lot of food gives me gi issues and a lot of food i cant handle bc sensory issues. They’d probs put me on meds that either i’ve been on before and havent helped or meds that would give me more gi issues bc apparently thats just my thing now. I was trying to look up and see if theres anywhere that specifically does inpatient for autistic adults but mostly its just horror stories of how awful autistic people are treated and how bad and unprepared and unknowledgeable they are about autism, and im probably “not autistic enough” (which is bullshit bc thats not a thing) and most of the places that claim to be specialized autism treatment places use aba which just no. And our insurance is shitty and most places dont take our insurance so idk if anywhere would even be covered if i could find somewhere. I have relatively low support needs when i’m doing ok but i am really not doing ok now and im petrified that if i had a meltdown or smth theyd restrain me or throw me in isolation or worse. But the idea of being in a regular psych hospital is too scary bc id just have to mask so hard the whole time and id still be treated poorly and invalidated and forced to do things i cant handle which would make everything worse. Like i couldnt rock up to the psych hospital and say heres a list of foods i cant eat and things i cant do and meds i cant take, they’d make my life worse on purpose bc they’d say i was being difficult or defiant and i’ve heard too many horror stories of people labeled defiant by the mental “healthcare” system to think they’d do anything but make things worse. And i’m trans, what if they put me in with women bc my birth certificate still has a stupid F on it? What if they dont let me take my T while im there? What if they do put me in with guys and they treat me poorly? What if everyone treats me poorly just for being trans?

I just cant take being like this anymore, i dont really want to die i just want to stop existing, i want everything to stop being so fucked up and awful and i want to just run away and hide forever. I dont know what to do.

[ribbitflings]

man i love how im not permitted to sleep in my own fucking house because im a light sleeper now thanks to trauma and every little thing wakes me up, on top of me having the mostly ridiculously sensitive internal alarm clock

like why tf do i have a sense of time while im *sleeping*

ive already been having the increasing feeling of my meds being soon rendered ineffective again and a literal ten second snippet of a song almost did me in last night, then one dog chews its bone as loudly as possible at 3am and the other one takes a shit at 4am and begins to eat it, so im cleaning dog shit at 4:30am and then of course my partner's alarm goes off at 5:30am so what's the fucking point of going back to sleep when it already takes me an hour to begin with and he hits snooze three times with his ungodly loud alarm

i sometimes wake up too much when his stupid fucking alarm goes off and then cant go back to sleep, and usually what happens when i try to sleep in is my fucking dog decides to bark as loudly as possible for absolutely zero fucking reason

so then im over here like

im already having a lot of focals that i dont usually have, ive been feeling the build up feeling of a big seizure coming, a ten second snippet of a song almost does me in last nighr and then i wake up every hour anyway and have to clean up dog shit, and then i know if i even try to go back to sleep then the fucking dog is going to wake me up anyway, and im going to end up waking up st least 30 minutes before my partner's lunch time because he usually calls me, so even though my phone is on silent, for some fucking reason i still have a sense of time and wake up anyway. if there's no fucking reason for me to be awake, like on the weekends, i sleep until 1pm. so all of this bullshit is not only a whole slew of triggers (including the fact that im now so fucking poor that we missed a mortgage payment and are in danger of missing another, plus all of our other bills and we cant even think about food even though we fr have none, so stress), but now my med schedule is fucked too, so i got that going for me too

i always wake up before every single alarm i ever set, minutes before, and then wake up multiple times during the night because i sleep even more lightly with an alarm. i didnt set one today, but even when im in *online* school, i still would wake up way earlier than i usually would, which i still think is fucking bullshit

[classysongnight]

Maybe hEDS, maybe not but I'm in a lot of pain.

Hello, this is the first time i'm actually trying to reach someone.

I hope to find someone who can help, have ideas that might help, have the same thing or knows who or what might be able to help.

I've been in chronic, more or less constant pain for the last idk, 3 years? I am now 19 years old and I've never had a sport accident, was never overweight,... anything that could be responsible.

It's gotten worse in this time and is now sometimes the only thing I can think of; it consumes me. I was never a sporty person, (I'm just honestly not good at anything and I don't like things when ppl can make me feel bad about it) but I cant even imagine actually doing a sport. Friends and family have always tried to push me, told me to go to a sports club, go exercise, made fun and judge of how I don't. Tbf I have never told anyone how bad my pain is. I always say "hahahah I don't do sports".

But in truth, every inch from my hips down to my ankles feels like they are being crushed, massive nails being pushed and twisted in my hips and knees.

My entire body feels extremely loose, not quite right. My joints are there but not in the exact place they should be. Like someone had me streched out on a medieval torture rack and decided halfway through to let me live. And ironicly, at the same time I feel so unbelivable stiff and tense 24/7.

No matter what I do, I'm in pain. I cannot sleep, I can't sit, lie down, stand, without this crushing feeling. Without wanting to rip out my bodyparts myself, because surely that would relief me of this. Without wondering if this fucking horrible mess I call life is worth it. (However, this it not just because of the pain and more because of, well everything.)

I have been googling, looking for reasons for years and nothing ever felt right. This year I was at an orthopedic the first time. The first time I thought, okay you actually really need professional help. This isn't normal and it wont "just go away with time". They couldn't see anything wrong, wrote me a (recipe?) for a CT, which I never got because I moved to a diffrent country.

And then the pain got even worse so (as I do whenever the pain hits more than usual) I was looking up chronic pain relief and I think I might have found what I have on tik tok. Saying this will alway take away the validity of anything you say but I did my reaserch. (Please, please, if you think it's something else, say you opinion! That's what I'm doing this for. I don't want this diagnose, because honestly, it would be quite shit and I would have to face the rest of my life with this constant pain. I don't want this diagnose, I just want a diagnose.) And so I googled all about hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome.

I found that it might be an answer to a lot of things I was wondering about and it feels like the first time a lable fits.

But it honstly doesn't help knowing. I'm still in pain. I now know that I might not be diagnosed at all and it wouldn't even really change anything because doctors have no idea how to help. All I read is "no cure" and "no real way to diagnose". Right, thank you. So how about I just go fuck myself. Because noboby knows what to do about it, nobody can give acutal advice how to handle pain like that because suprise, Ibuprofen doesn't do shit. I can take 3 400mg and I don't know if my body is just fucked (it is) or if they don't even work like that. Like, am I just wasting pills? I need a fucking longterm solution. I can't ruin my stomach lining for stuff that doesn't even work. I am genuinly starting to wonder what about perscription pain meds is so bad. Yeah I would get dependent, so what? I am in pain, it's to make the pain go away.

I don't need someone to fix it. I just need somone to tell me something that makes it less horrible. Please.

[phagodyke]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

[lunar-fey]

got labwork done by the same nurse as usual he is always so niceys and compliments how well i bleed <3 also one of my alarms went off while he was tying the tourniquet and he was like well at least im not the only one in this hospital with alarms going off this early 😔

anyway i also found out yesterday that. okay so for context a couple months ago my pcp sent out a referral to a plastic surgeon to get me chest reduction on the basis of my boobs too big and ouchie. and hoping the insurance would cover it since. yanno. ouchie. but apparently the first place they referred me to just doesnt take my insurance and the second place said they require a record of 6mo of treatments for infection or rashes for breast reduction to be considered "medically necessary" for my insurance to cover it like ?? sorry since when was "pain so bad i cant want and boob so heavy i cant breathe fully without holding them up" not considered "medically necessary" anymore. fuck off. anyway ive HAD years worth of treatment for recurrent infections but not 6mo consecutively so it doesnt count. i fucking guess. so my pcp is sending another referral and if the new place doesnt take it im gonna have her just start prescribing me the medicine for the yeast infection its not even active right now its only really a problem in the summer but im gonna level. if they want to give me stupid hoops to jump through i will jump through them while spitting in their face. give me meds i dont need so i can get the shit i do need. i will become the drug seeking monster youre so scared of and YOU made me do it <3

[lesbiangiratina]

Having an epic 1 tonight