#fuck that it's been a hard few years

[tonyzilla]

holy shit so much has gone bad today rant in tags

[nova-rpv]

a redraw of the first drawing i posted here to celebrate the fact that ive been in tumblr for more than a whole year posting my shit and havent deleted my blog in panic yippee \:D/ (mushy rant in tags)

[inkskinned]

it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.

i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.

it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.

[rudeboimonster]

~help your local rat get stable housing~

edit post nov 2023: I GOT THE HELP I NEEDED THANK YOU SOSOOSO MUCH

dramatically sprawled out on the floor

so i gotta move for the third time in that many years. unfortunately between health problems and the General State of The Economy, I have been unable to find work to be able to save any money. i have no choice but to leave the entire state. i thankfully have somewhere to go, however I need help getting there. i've been trying to do the math to get what I need to its lowest amount possible, but even that is still at least $2.5k.

after this move, i should be able to get things more stable and I might even have a couple job prospects lined up in that area, but right now I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel funds wise and desperately need help.

if you're able to spare anything, i've set up a goal through kofi so i can track it publicly. i have trouble asking for help but i really need what help i can get. thank you, so so so much.

[okkennymay]

It's been a very interesting year to say the least- those months still weren't 100% healthy but it was such a difference it was like living a different life, one not filled with constant dread and fear of the next monthly health episode.

It was unreal and I wish I'd made more use of of that time online while I had the chance, instead of being nervous of setting my body off and ruining a good thing going- but having past a new month my body completely imploding (only partially, which still sucks eggs), I can start to pick myself back up and keep going, hopeful once more! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

To all of you who have watched fade in and out of existence since my return online, Thank you for always being so patient 💖 my god was my previous username ghost-chicky ironic as hell, s2g it would be more appropriate these days than anything 0w0"

[t4tstarvingdog]

trying to find the metaphysical vegetable that may bring me less despair

[autumnoakes]

this isn't a criticism but i think totk would have made an incredible horror game (or at least would have been really good if nintendo had leaned more into the horror elements already there)

like. you have link with gloom in his body for the entire game. there's that right there that could make for a terrifying situation for him with ganondorf's abilities. there's the fact that both ganondorf AND the yiga clan can now impersonate zelda (and other various NPCs). you don't know who you can trust anymore because they may be a familiar face, but are they really who they say they are, or are they just trying to get close to link so they can kill him? the gorons are angrier than they've ever been because of that marbled rock roast. rito village is in the middle of a destructive snowstorm that never seems to end (snowscapes work well for horror :)). zora's domain is being covered in muck that the zoras can't breathe in. gerudo town is pretty much destroyed and even in game it's horrifying to see the town overrun with gibdos. i think they're really close to it in sections (goron city, gerudo town, hyrule castle, the depths).

[sonictoaster]

The messenger bag I made in 2019 finally started to wear to pieces after four years of faithful service. Time for a new one!

I made the original bag without a pattern, but this time I had something to work with. I took the old bag apart and made a pattern from the pieces.

It took me a while to find the right material. I wasn’t sure what it would look like, I just knew I’d know it when I saw it. I finally found this double-sided Japanese cloth in a shop in Portland.

Once I had the right cloth for the exterior, I found a fun pattern for the interior bag in a local shop. (I always use a lighter material for the interior so it's easier to find things).

The first bag was a struggle—I had no idea what I was doing! I expected the second bag to be difficult as well, but the process went surprisingly smoothly. I got stuck a few times and had to take a day or two to figure out a solution, but the solutions always worked better than I expected!

For instance—in spite of carefully measuring each piece, the outer flap ended up being too small. I ended up constructing a border to extend the edges.

With heavy interfacing and waterproof lining, the walls were very thick and tricky to work with. Having a better sewing machine than last time helped!

Lots of pockets and hooks on the inside—essential.

I found a leather camera strap I haven't used since college and added a couple of decorative wooden buttons a friend gave me and I'd been saving for the right moment. The blue webbing along the sides that support the leather strap are repurposed from the original bag. I like that a little bit of the old bag is worked into the new.

The whole process took... weeks—but I’m so happy with how it all came together!

[iamthepulta]

Going down the rabbit hole of mercury poisoning and archaeological toxicology in South America has me losing my mind. I'm overwhelmed and out of my league but it feels like all the pieces are fitting into place and they're all bad and I can't stop now.

[birb--birb]

Okay so da4:

aestheticly, trailer looks gaweegeous!! The neon demons slap!

I adore Neves wand/dagger thing,

I'm a little apprehensive about the combat system but it looks like a good bit of it was held back so we'll have to wait till the game to feel it out.

Solas' vo sounds different? Flatter?

The hair does look REALLY nice

V excited to hop into more lore around Tevinter

Plz gods be subtitles for ambient dialog, I want to hear what solas and varric are saying when Rook goes and destroys the pillars

[battywitch]

Hey. Listen. No really, look at me and listen, please.

Cast iron and stainless steel cookware are not like non-stick. They require different methods of cleaning, and there IS a learning curve.

Unless you've been taught how to use them, when you first try, you're probably going to have a rough time. Maybe your food sticks or burns, idk.

That is NOT a sign that your cookware is defective. Ignore whatever the packaging said about it being non-stick. Yes, with time and practice, you'll have far fewer instances of things sticking, but if your good sticks at first, stay calm.

You need to practice and look for tips based on your exact issue (eg, food burning) and type of cookware (eg, cast iron).

Also, you probably need oil.

[bunnyboy-juice]

spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

[mejomonster]

being sad because of chronic illness is like... go to therapist. therapist says "well don't be so negative! maybe you can go do X more!" and you're like "well no I physically can't." and then they go "well maybe your doctor could do more, have you checked X Y Z?" and you go "well I have 5 doctors, and saw 4 others, and they've ran a ton of tests and done surgeries for the past 5 years, and I was MUCH worse before so comparatively they've done a lot, and they don't intend to do more, this is as good as it gets, and this is how it is probably going to be for my whole life. So no, I don't think I'll have more energy/ability to do X more in a year." therapist "well, never say never, maybe in a year you will be better!" me "yes. but i will also feel pretty emotionally crushed if i plan to be perfectly healthy in a year, then i'm not and still can't do any of the things i made myself excited to do." therapist "well... focus on what you can do! what can you do today that you like?" and i'm like "well i had to work today, to keep my healthcare, and i had to sit up to see you, which also exhausted me so... either i'll use the rest of my spoons to shower and eat dinner, or watch 1 show episode and eat dinner..." therapist "oh well... maybe you can do something fun... on the weekend?" me "well if i don't grocery shop, i will probably have energy to see 1 friend for a few hours. i may try to do that." also me - just do not mention the nonstop nausea and pain even doing things i like because we will re-enter the beginning of the loop where the therapist asks why can't you take more medicine, isn't there more treatment options, and i have to very hopelessly remind myself that no actually there is no option i'm not already doing and this pain is just something i have to fucking live with and i'd really rather not RUMINATE on that depressing ass situation over and over again.

[girlthativealwaysbeen]

i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point

[wesavegotham]

I want to deeply apologize if I offended anyone or sounded unhinged these past few weeks or even months.

I was in a very depressive episode because I'm basically running my parent's household at this point, I'm constantly tired and the sight of my father and brothers playing video games, playing board games or just reading books while I feel forced to cook, clean and entertain while I also have to smile and be kind all the time...made me very angry and I might have let that out on the wrong people for no deserving reason.

I'm autistic. I'm masking. It's not in my nature to constantly take care of people. I'm not even comfortable talking with my family anymore because they refuse to believe me that I'm autistic.

I'm feeling a bit better right now because they are on a cruise right now for ten days and I only have take care of the cats and not them. I can do relaxing, fun things for myself for once that will hopefully cheer me up.

Like, I do believe they love me? And I love them too? But I just can't keep playing basically housewife (because everyone expects me to do most of the chores) for people that are not my kids and should be able to care for themselves. And rarely think about what I might want or need. And on top of that they also expect me to finish my degree.

I can't. You don't let me. I don't have the time or energy and you expect things from me that I can't deliver while staying healthy. And you never take me seriously. Or listen.

Okay, I'm deeply sorry. Rant over. I just...need time alone. With my cats. And I hope I get enough sleep to be kind, patient and understanding again. I do want to.

It's no fun being bitter. I do want to be excited about things again. But it's hard.