#fuck my learning disability

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[uncanny-tranny]

Hey, if you have speech impediments, you are so amazing.

If you stutter or have a lisp or misspeak easily or you have a flat affect or a limited verbal vocabulary or if your voice is AAC or if you just have a difference in your vocality, you are so incredibly important and amazing.

Just know that your voice is yours. Nobody will ever be able to truly take it away. Your voice is part of you, and you deserve to make it as true to you as you deem fit. I hope you have the space to grow with your voice and whatever about it makes it unique.

[transmasccofee]

im not ok i will never be normal about this guy again happy disability month

[guess-i-do-art]

It’s fun being in a fandom that literally doesn’t exist

If there is anybody out there that enjoys the book series Upside Down Magic by Sarah Mlynowski, Lauren Myracle, and Emily Jenkins, please please make yourself known because I have been alone for too long

Dritten! 💜

[thedisablednaturalist]

idk whats wrong with me.

I'm trying to exercise, eat healthier, get enough sleep. Just like the doctors say.

But I'm still, STILL, so..so tired. So unbelievably exhausted. I'm starting to think I might have ME or something. Fibro is supposed to be able to be managed with diet and exercise, according to my doctors *rolls eyes*.

I want to work hard like I used to. I want to have bright ideas and feel passion. I do, sometimes, but it's so hard to break through the fog and pain and exhaustion, and it doesn't last. I feel like I'm constantly trying to hide how stupid I am, I'm afraid my coworkers will find out how hard I'm really struggling. All the stuff they praise me for seem like they were all achievements from Before the illness, I don't feel like that person anymore.

But what am I supposed to do? I have to work, I have to make enough to stay out of my parents house. I can't go back there. So I'll keep fighting, hiding, crying, and doing my best to improve my health, even if that's only out of desperation.

[iguessitsjustme]

*takes you by the hand as gently as I can*

You can dislike Maya without turning her into a one dimensional villain that serves no purpose to the story.

You can dislike Maya without disparaging the story and message the show is trying to convey.

You can hate Maya without moralizing your hatred. You can just hate her. It’s okay.

[vrepit-salt]

Reblog this if you're a high-functioning person with ADHD who has been told "you don't have ADHD" because you're high-functioning.

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

well, shit is getting straight up untenable in Australia!

that's why we got a new bio, also because we are sick of the anon's just block us damn.

but no legit, they are fucking up the NDIS and THAT IS BAD, it's literally the only governmental support for all disabled people in Australia by the way it's the "national disability insurance scheme" aka NDIS.

so uh BAD, real bad, extremely bad, uber bad.

there's more, uh so yeah!!!! FUCK MAN.

I do hope people don't die, because this is just going to lead to people seeking help from the gov't dying in the meantime.

or if the gov't says "yeah your not disabled (is disabled) get zero accommodations loser" then well that's BAD.

I already know like tons of people who couldn't get NDIS money and they were straight up disabled, and people who desperately needed those accommodations and couldn't because the government just straight up would not listen and help them.

it's pretty fucking telling that more than half the disabled people I know in Australia literally could not get on the NDIS.

this is just making a already shit situation worse, I haven't been able to go to the dentist, GP, or the eye doctor people in more than 5 Years!!!!

FIVE FUCKING YEARS, I know people who are straight up 2 seconds away from being homeless due to not being able to work and not being able to apply to the NDIS.

like it's fucking bad, if your parents won't boot you off your centrelink you can't get your own centrelink and can't access any accomodations or disability money, if your blak (aka aboriginal) your just extremely fucked already now times that by 4.

like dude, THIS IS SHIT.

and I know disability ally's are mostly American based, but by fuck WHAT THE FUCK, THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN.

the NDIS is not perfect there's shit ton of corruption and scammers-

(I actually know a family who's like legit scamming the NDIS lol no I don't mean like "oh those physically disabled's" I mean like they are using the money on like 3d printers and shit lol they are assholes and racists)

but like, it was barely working for people before. this is going to take the people it was barely working before and fuck them over too.

it's gonna fucking suck man, I am fucking scared for everyone.

[nonconstories]

Someone pissed me off a couple of days ago

So! Below are several links to programs and foundations that promote adult literacy! Hundreds of millions of adults world wide were failed by their education system and now must fend for themselves while trying to read contracts and hospital bills and infographics from the CDC. But they don't have to be alone, and it is never too late to learn!

ProLiteracy: A network of educators, researchers, and advocates which provides research reports, learning materials, and other support to adult education programs. They assist with connecting volunteers to local programs and provide guidance and support to community leaders trying to use their programs' findings to advocate for social and political change.

Adult Literacy League: An adult education program in Central Florida, which aims to provide students with one on one attention to foster growth and confidence. It also offers English Second Language courses and job skills training, and each new student receives a comprehensive assessment to determine the best plan for them.

Saint Vincent and Sarah Fisher Center's Foundational Skills Program: A 100% free adult education program aimed at adults reading below a fifth grade level. It operates year round and is either in person or remote, and they now have a GED testing center that is open to students and the public alike.

Washtenaw Literacy: A free network of trained tutors for adults in Washtenaw County, Michigan.

Adult Learning Program (Las Vegas/Clark County): Free education classes to those lacking a high school diploma, those seeking to learn ESL, and adults who read below an eighth grade level. Also assists in students' search for gainful employment. Nevada got so fucked by COVID and the education/literacy numbers in the South West are grim. Please help these guys.

Hawaii Literacy: In addition to helping adult residents of Hawaii Island learn to read and write AND bridging the education gap in Hawaii's underserved children, they offer computer literacy classes, ESL classes, and a bookmobile. 1 in 6 Hawaiian adults struggle to read and write.

[chronic-cane]

The fact that I'm taking a graduate level course and have a professor use "mental ret*rdation" in their slides infuriates me to no end.

Like, I mean no end. I'm trying my best to anonymously get it addressed within the department so that way the professor could correct it and make an announcement about its correction.

I'm also looking through the required textbook, and uh...

[Alt Text: picture of a man looking down one on one side with a blurred shadow of him looking scared or shocked on the other side. The photo is described as "image of dissociative identity disorder" end image description]

And a lot of calling mental illness madness, insanity, and even "minds of disturbed people."

It was published in 2021. (Sociology of Mental Disorder by William C. Cockerham if anyone wants to give it a shit review with me)

At this point I want the class to turn into a mad studies course. If you want to have that language so fucking badly then give the mic to the people who try to reclaim it. If you can screw up this badly, then start making it up to the ones you've screwed over.

But yeah a lot of my time about this class is pointing out how bad it is.

[horsegirlhob]

Honestly the worst thing about being raised by and around professors is that I can't really do the whole students bitching about professors thing even when I mostly agree with it, because my whole life I have been hearing the professor's side of the story. Every time someone talks about how ridiculous mandatory attendance or participation is there's a part of me that starts loudly protesting about how actually being in class is really important for learning, and it must be so hugely frustrating for the professor when students just don't show up to your class half the time and then when they do show up they're playing sudoku on their computer.

[uncanny-tranny]

"Pro" tip: If you're somebody who doesn't always need things like braces or crutches or anything like that, and so you're thinking to yourself, "I won't need this for today, my pain isn't that bad!"

Don't listen to that, that is the devil speaking. Bring your aids with you just in case, because a good day can quickly end on a sour and painful note. It's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

[everythingwasnormalhere]

weirdly, one of my favorite things about my chronic pain hc is how kenny will never get better

there is no magic cure

there is no way he can heal

the closest thing to a remedy would be painkillers, nothing permanent

there is not a moment in which it just, poof, goes away

he will just get progressively worse and worse, no way to fix it

he will never get better

the only thing he can do is learn how to cope with it, find his own strategies and get through life at his own pace

and his friends will obviously feel helpless - who wouldn't? but they'll have to get used to it, and help kenny be as comfortable as he can

and i think that's beautiful

[sevenangrybees]

On one hand I'm so so excited for more people to meet mithrun in the anime and go nuts over him.

On the other I am so worried about folks not being cool about their bad ass fucked up fave needing caregivers.

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[aromanticannibal]

the "disabled people need it!" argument for generative AI is insane because it completely misses the point. like yeah, i get it, it could be great if disabled people who genuinely cannot bring themselves to type or hold a pencil could have a way to create anyway. I really do understand why that's an attractive idea, I am aware that some disabled people just can't draw or paint or write and it's not their fault and there's nothing they can do about it. That doesn't make gen AI use ethical. The problem isn't that your art becomes soulless and Bad because you didn't put your blood sweat and tears into it (I don't like gen AI art for this reason too but I am aware it's subjective and don't use it as an argument), the problem is that generative AI is killing the environment, stealing from artists who never gave their permission to have models trained on them, and the democratization of gen AI is just asking for misinfo and propaganda to be more common (it's already bad enough).