#fuck i really can't stop crying
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I just saw a video of Palestinian men rescuing a small baby from rubble, still alive.... The baby was showered with kissed and praises to God, everyone smiling. They were handling the baby with such gentleness, such care, that I (a woman, expected by society to be motherly) don't believe I would be able to have. I can't stop crying. These men are being villainized by media. Even pro palestinian people tend to use the "think of the women and the children", as if palestinian/arab men don't deserve the same mercy, but THESE MEN ARE HEROES. They're fathers, brothers, husbands, sons. they're doctors, teachers, bakers, and so much more. They've lost their home, their families, but they are still brave enough to keep on helping. They are the true heroes, and they deserve our kindness and protection too. Our voice must include them.
#free palestine#palestinian men#fuck i really can't stop crying#because it's so easy to see brown and black men as monsters#and yes I do not exclude me from this form of racism#it is forced in our minds this image#and it is so unfair#anyone can be monsters#but these men are proving again and again that they're not#we need to support them#they deserve just as much as the women and the children#no human should have to go through this
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I'm still shaking I can't believe this I just can't believe it. God after all these years. I've been watching people's reactions on YouTube for at least an hour I'm so jealous of everyone who got to see the reveal live on stream. I cannot believe my eyes I keep expecting to wake up because this is a dream come true for me. I've told just about everyone I know. Everyone who definitely does not give a shit. And it's not enough it's not enough I need to tell the whole world about it I need one million videos of people whose reaction to the trailer is just screams. God I have stuff to do but all I want is to go home right now and play okami I want to watch one thousand streamers and let's players play okami I need an okami drug injected directly into my bloodstream no one will ever know how much this means to me I'm sick I'm hysterical I'm going to dig to the centre of the earth I will never be normal again knowing a sequel for okami is in the works
#okami sequel#okami#okami 2#oh look she speaks#let the devs take their time developing it though!!!! don't rush this game don't fuck this up. make it good#okami sequel baby i will wait for you forever#I've already waited for decades. i can wait a few more years#I'll wait as long as it takes#i can't stop watching the trailer i just can't believe it#how am i meant to be out in public right now and pretend I'm normal when I'm not#only thing that could make this announcement better is if they give it a physical release in Europe#bc there's this annoying habit rn where europe gets digital copies only while north America gets a physical release#and I'd really really really like a physical copy of this#but i suspect it'll be digital only#that's fine that's fine so long as i get to play it. that's all i need#SCREAMS. okay okay be normal. SCREAMS SCREAMS SCREAMS OKAMIIIIIIIII#OKAMI BABYGIRL I COULD CRYYYY I COULD CRY I'M GOING FERAL#YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME#cannot understand the people whose reactions were subdued or just 'oh cool!'#@ everyone who screamed plus that one guy who just said 'no NO do not fuck with me right now' you understand me on a spiritual level#because me too ME TOO!!!!!!!
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Sometimes i stay up late thinking about the times cale had to face his biggest fears in illusions
First time during the wind island test, where he was all alone
I was crying on my knees during those chapters, the fact he kept forgetting what was written in that damn book B R O K E M E.
And the second time during the hallucination elisneh, or whatever her name is, put him in.
The fact that he's scared his newfound family is all just an elaborate dream, honestly twists my heart in directions i didn't even know existed
And how during the sadness test krs just followed a stranger (choi han) to his home cuz that was better than going back to his uncle, bro.
I want to kill everyone who had a hand in fucking up this poor mans life
#krs needs to be saved#i love every character from tcf but i'm fixated on krs the most#kim rok soo#eruhaben-nim please save krs#someone needs to know about his trauma besides choi han#i need to see my overprotective family overprotect#someone resolve krs indignity before i go crazy#I'm gonna spin 4 times and really go crazy#krs makes me spin#he has flipped me over#i can't stop crying#lcf#trash of the counts family#lout of the count’s family#i need the molans to use their skillset right about now#on a certain uncle#and zed crossman while we're at it#i hate zed too#fuck zed crossman#fuck krs uncle#fuck every ho that hurt our family fr#😭#if I don't see the dragons destroy a world for krs! Cale I'm gonna cry
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hey when they wrote "knight behind bars" and they wrote kitt helping a couple get together and they gave him the line "Some day, it will be my turn" [to find love]. did they know what they were doing. did they know that in some 40 years some gay autistic robot-obsessed little freak on tumblr would not stop thinking about it for weeks and write literal dozens of paragraphs screaming about it on discord. did they know they were going to ruin Me, Specifically, with this concept that feels like the culmination of everything kitt has gone through through the show and such a fascinating thing to think about in regards to michael and kitt's relationship,
one of the themes of knight rider is kitt developing as a Person, developing a line between the Knight Industries Two-Thousand, and Kitt. discovering humanity, his own emotions, the joys of the seemingly and logically pointless, and often through the lens of his own driver, his partner, his friend, Michael - his primary guide through all these experiences, his reference for those human things he doesn't understand. and as much as he initially claims to not be capable of experiencing emotions, of understanding feelings, he learns to. he experiences a wide range of emotions through the show even while claiming he doesn't, he even learns fear and insecurity. perhaps it's only natural a robot would learn to love, or at the very least be terribly curious about it and wonder if such a thing could ever exist for Him
the majority of people are not exactly kind to kitt. they talk about him like he's not there, they talk about him like he's a machine, a novelty, some people are even scared of or disturbed by him when all he's trying to do is make polite conversation and company. he's always Othered - there's no other cars like him (at least not anymore), but there's no other person like him either, he doesn't truly belong among humans or vehicles. some of the technicians at FLAG don't even seem to fully respect him as a person, at least they don't based on my vague recollection of how they talk about him in Junkyard Dog. when Michael asks him after KARR is destroyed if it feels good to be one of a kind again, he doesn't say yes or no - he only says it's a "familiar feeling." it may be familiar, but it's surely also isolating, and i think that's something he'd realize as he slowly picks up this curiosity about love. where could he even find it when so few people see him as an equal person to begin with?
and then there's michael. oh my god, and then there's michael. no matter what flavor you choose to read it in, the whole show is about their relationship, they're a duo, a set Not to be separated, they're Partners. they work together, they worry about and look after each other (forever insane about when kitt was a melted shell, Michael stuck around the garage for hours, waiting for any news like a worried spouse, constantly checking on him every opportunity he got... encouraging him to recover, and even helping paint back on his protective coating... kitt always looks after michael, but for once, it's michael's turn to look after Him), in a way they were Made for each other - Kitt more literally, being programmed for Michael and holding his namesake, but Michael was also made in a sense for the pilot program, hand picked and given a second life to work for the foundation and with this strange supercar. and even if they had a rocky start, michael comes to view kitt as a person - car, TV set, or computer core, Kitt is his partner, his buddy. he helps him find himself, guides him and teaches him about these things that make us human, and in a way, kitt becomes human - but his entire experience is still through the perspective of an AI in a car, it's still very unique and isolating, and I think he sort of grows into his own limitations, he's finally brushing against the walls that define him.
he learns of love, and then he learns to dream Of love. these things he sees in the movies, that michael tells him about, that he so often sees michael Partaking in that he gets so oddly jealous of, doesn't it all seem so wonderful? he's very curious. but who could ever love steel and circuitry, who could ever see him as an equal let alone a partner in a romantic sense? who would ever love a car and all the limitations That comes with? it's a problem for a hypothetical hopeful Some Day, in the meantime stuck between two worlds where he doesn't perfectly belong to either, where no car Can love him and no human seemingly Would love him...
and michael loves him anyway. before either of them really realize or talk about it, in spite of everything, in any form, regardless of the fact it wouldn't be a typical relationship by absolutely any means, michael loves him anyway. kitt is as much a person to him as bonnie or devon or RC, and that person is someone he loves and cares for deeply. the feeling is mutual, kitt's world revolves around michael, he's one of the most important people in kitt's life, and he'd do anything to protect him.
and it is michael that will finally teach him to love, and what it means to feel loved in turn, to be loved as the person he undoubtedly is.
#liz blogs#kr#knight rider#michael knight#kitt#robots#gay#this isnt writing. its rambling. its very insane rambling.#WHAT is the ship tag. i dont even know. fuck it we ball#michael x kitt#sure#knight rider spoilers#i saw someone make up a really good one but i cant remember what it was-- oh my god was it MK2000. was it. was that iT-#mk2000#retroactively gonna go tag all the fruity posts with that i dont care#do not even get me started on michael learning to love for the first time in This lifetime. ... literally dont get me started i havent seen#the last stevie episode yet. thats next weeks crying fit. but i feel like that's a piece i need#but stevie was michael Long's girl. part of His life. michael Knight can't go back to that. and maybe he Shouldn't#listen. its about michael teaching kitt to love. and kitt Letting him learn to love Again. something real besides his weekend flings#i need a lobotomyyyyyyy i need an ice pick to the brain i need to stop being completely fucking insane about robots#IF BEING INSANE ABOUT FICTIONAL ROBOTS WAS A JOB I WOULD BE A MILLIONAIRE#anyway michael is bisexual and a dashboard smoocher thanks for coming to my ted talk#homosexuality is rampant in the military jerry. thats a bisexual if ever i saw one. have you seen the way he dresses. he calls his car baby#if you dont watch knight rider and you read this i'm sorry i must look deranged#this ship is queer flavored even besides the fact its two guys. there's like four levels of queer flavoring in this bitch
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I am unreasonably upset about the fact that I've been forced to accept that Gabriel was a Gerald.
For context, in An Inspector Calls, Gerald Croft is engaged to Sheila Birling when he meets a homeless, struggling Eva Smith in a bar, and essentially in return for a home and money he shows her affection (ahem), then gets rid of her once he no longer has a use for her. Now, obviously this isn't a direct translation, but the essentials are - a Gerald is a character who uses another character, in return for something they need, usually masking the fact that they're using them with affection and love.
And against my will I've had to accept that this is exactly what Gabriel does to Nathalie.
Did I want to think he had potential to be better? Did I think he genuinely cared for Nathalie?? Hell, did I just really really want somebody to care about Nathalie???
Probably all of the above but the point is: he's Gerald. And I cannot - I literally can't unsee it now. Their whole dynamic in S3 is like “oh boohoo I'm sorry I wish you didn't have to use the peacock Miraculous and kill yourself over it but uh I need to use your powers” “yeah no that's fine I'm all good”. Which, given the "Gerald" theorem, I'm assuming leads to the fact that what Nathalie needed, above all, was someone to care about her - and Gabriel came along, as Sheila Birling puts it, "like a fairytale prince", and was so caring and gentle and... Yeah. She fell for him. And. Yeah he genuinely did seem to care like twice. But so did Gerald. Gerald actually admits that he did care for Eva, just not the way that she cared for him, and, uh, not enough to not just dispose of her. So he discards her anyway when she stops being useful.
Leading me neatly to my point.
He starts using the peacock Miraculous the second it's fixed, the slimy bastard, HOWEVER. It runs way deeper than that. Assuming I'm right (which I almost DEFINITELY am), then Gabriel only needed Nathalie while she was useful. She didn't stop being useful in season three - she's still scheming for him, helping him with plan after plan. It's only partway through season 5 that she officially servers ties with him, and starts to actively hinder him.
Nathalie stops being useful when she fails as Safari. And I reckon that's when Gabriel and Tomoe decided she had to go.
(It's painfully, I-was-ugly-crying-over-it obvious in Conformation that Gabriel is fully prepared to let Nathalie die - in the original storyboard, her alliance was encouraging her to sleep, and he's very obviously prepared for this moment - I've made a separate post about it that I'll link if I can find it. However, onto the next bit)
With all of this, there's one thing that sticks out to me - Nathalie didn't see any of it until it was already too late. There could be many reasons for this. But you know who would have seen through it? Whose parents were all loving and perfect until she married the wrong man? Emilie. Emilie, who left behind those videos, which on the surface look innocent, but when you look deeper look like a (love confession???????) AHEM a warning. I reckon Emilie noticed what was going on and realised that Nathalie wouldn't see through Gabriel, so she left those videos addressed to Nathalie (not Gabriel, which surely they should have been - they were about him, after all - unless they were there...) as a warning. I don't think the videos were supposed to be about helping Gabriel, I think Emilie was warning Nathalie to get the fuck out of that house, and to take Adrien with her. Because Emilie knew it'd end like this.
Yes I'm still mad ok give me a break.
#Not a direct translation obviously#(although I hate the fact that my brain has AUTOMATICALLY made the links between the peacock Miraculous and Emilie and... yeah#as in#it fits better than it should as an allegory)#Anyway yeah my mad evening ramblings™#This began as an angry rant and became a theory#But yeah it's so so obvious I've said it before but it's SO glaringly obvious that Nathalie is desperate for any kind of affection#“girl what were YOU doing at the devil's sacrement -” I am also desperate for affection!!!! Shut up I'm talking!!!!!#It's really really obvious like I'd guess#(given that she seems to live with the Agrestes and has a... past certainly)#there's no family in the picture#And yeah so I'm tired now if you have questions ask them I'll elaborate#Just remember that I'm so fucking obsessed with An Inspector Calls that it's genuinely a plot point in one of my books#So the comparison makes sense ok???? Let me go to bed#(read found-family fanfic and cry)#miraculous ladybug#miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir#nathalie sancoeur#gabriel agreste#emilie agreste#adrien agreste#miraculous#an inspector calls#gerald croft#Yes I'm tagging this with AIC and Gerald ok I want a bunch of GCSE students to look up the tag and be confused out of their fucking minds#Voilà i guess#Oh yeah there's problems with this bc Emilie tells Nathalie to stop Gabe#but there's nothing saying she didn't then add “oh and if you can't then get the hell outta there babes”#“with OUR little prince” (????? That line is still so confusing what does it MEAN)#Oh ig I should tag this with eminath bc of the last bit
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Sometimes I still think about The Owl House Gang all trying to watch ATLA together but then Zuko's backstory in The Storm retraumatizes Hunter so bad they have to stop
#luz is too young to have grown up with the show she just heard it was good#SHE DIDN'T KNOW GUYS#they all get super into it and the gaang and maybe even make some jokes about how Zuko reminds them of Hunter#and then suddenly it is Not Funny Anymore#they just straight up stop watching it because it was So Bad#and then months later Hunter is like '....... i really want to know where that show goes'#so they pick it up again#everytime Zuko makes a bad life decision Hunter is just dying inside#'your dad DOES NOT LOVE YOU YOU CAN DO BETTER'#season 2 is such an emotional rollercoaster#like zuko is figuring stuff out and seems like he's gonna redeem himself and everyone is getting so hype#because at this point they NEED to see this character get a happy ending because they have been throufh WAY TOO MUCH over him#and then in the season finale he regresses#the BETRAYAL#they are like wailing and rending their clothes like dudes in the bible#hunter just sitting there with his head in his hands#season 3 storyline with zuko at the fire palace is also massively triggering for him but he's being so normal about it#the rest of the squad on the copium like 'he can still turn this around guys'#secretly several of them have given up on him at this point but they can't admit that there's too much riding on this#and then zuko DOES IT but the scene is so tense that no one even feels like they can celebrate because they're all projecting way too hard#and then zuko redirects the lightning and they're like 'FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!'#there is much crying at the finale#luz and amity kin assigned eachother as aang and katara so they're really happy when they get together#hunter like 'mostly this is making me glad I didn't have to become the political leader of The Boiling Isles as a traumatized 16 year old'#'can you imagine'#these tags were not supposed to be this long lmao#toh#atla#avatar#my rambles
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The thing is I DO work late where I'm free from the phone and the job DOES get done and I DO take my whiskey neat my coffee black and my bed at 3. Now if he added a verse about receiving smutty art in his DMs from friends who live in various far flung locations we would really be the same person
#hozier understands me#where's that article about the song's thesis that to really embrace life you have to engage with the bitter parts too#me when i complain constantly about my job but then realize how much i love getting up at 11 am + doing fuck all waiting for shipments#me when i cry about my friends being far away then realize i can visit them in fun locations with the $$ i have from living in a cheap state#me when i'm soo annoyed i can't stop mirroring people then realize i know 5 new skills from imitating them and they like me now#i'm. fully embracing the bittersweet nature of life that's what this is 👌
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my sibling is starting to write fic and it's so. like they've been drawing for forever and never seem insecure about art. but writing is still new to them! so the fic isn't working how they want it to. i got to point at their pile of like, 20 something filled full size sketchbooks and go, look, you've made all this art, practiced all this time to be good. and how many things have you written? 3? you keep going! you keep doing it and it will be countless one day!
#ramble tag#my siblings... i get mushy when it comes to them#truly nothing in life is more important than my babies. who are not babies but beside the point#(THEYLL BE ADULTS SOON. SOB.)#feels so inappropriate to post about them on this blog but as i have said before. they follow my main#i just need to talk about them sometimes or I'll just lie in bed and cry lmao#sibling i started this post talking about is so smart and creative and fucking /organized/ as all hell#honestly both my siblings are scary driven#it would make me cripplingly insecure if i didnt just love them so damn much. if i wasnt so fucking proud of them#i hate that i couldnt be someone more worth looking up to but i am beyond overjoyed to see them grow into their own regardless#these two are possibly up there as the smartest people ive ever met even if theyre still just teenagers#i can't wait to see who they turn into. who they'll grow up be#(always be my babies in addition tho)#i see the world in them#im immeasurably happy to have the siblings i do#really starting to realize that yknow what? im not missing anything by being aro#by not having much (if any) sexual/romantic shit in my life#those two are my pride and joy and make me happier than any of that ever could#anyways this is a secret dont tell them i said that#psa dont talk to me about my siblings i can keep going until i pass out#god took everything that is Good and put into these precious tiny humans and im just lucky enough to be here !!!#ok i need to stop. its 2am hi
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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MICKEY MCIKRY MICKEYY <33 ur wips . look so delicious i want to gobble them up but if you could especially elaborate on this one .....
THIS IS ME RN 👹👹👹👹 i need whatever this is so so bad if u have any information please fess up before i go insane please and thank you
(and i love u :33 i hope you are taking care of ur hot sexy self :33 biting u so hard :33)
HELLOO ALEXIS MY DARLINGGG>:33333333 AWOOOOO THE WEREWOLVESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they're both sick in the head i'll just start off with that lmao the idea originated from my desire to write about feral satoru, about satoru who's just a bit off the rails yk? (hot) and so i ended up with this hyena/wolf satoru:3333333 btw suguru is just kind of suguru i think he does the sick in the head thing very well all on his own i didn't have to do much with himhgasdghsahgda
anyway the whole thing is supposed to be a bit scary and suffocating and uncomfortable, like the reader is lost in the woods in the middle of the night and then bumps into these two freaks and then they make the reader play a game of chase with them??????? (hot) they really are a couple of freaks in this but i'm having so much fun with it it's insane . i can't wait to actually write the chase part, i'm gonna try and make it as intense as i can hehehehhee
COME AND ASK ME ABOUT MY WIPS:333333
#ALEXISSSSSSSSSSSS:333333333333#DID YOU KNOW I LOVE YOUUUUU:333333333333#ANYWAY SATORU IS RABID AND SUGURU WANTS TO MAKE YOU CRY#they're evil and it's very fucking tasty#i'm just really hoping that it'll actually end up Suffocating in a way#that it'll be intense#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#THANK YOU FOR ASKING ABOUT IT ANGEL#THANK YOU FOR INDULGING ME WITH MY SILLY THOUGHTS HEHEHHEE#I HOPE YOU'RE DOING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SO SO FUCKING GOOD I'M BITING YOU BACK#CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ILYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!#alexis <3#friends!!#mickey can't stop thinking
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spoilers sorta for hazbin hotel in tags
the emotional WHIPLASH i just got from episode 8 of hazbin hotel is insane and i have so many thoughts and none of them are coherent but hoo boy are they there please send help
#what the fuck did i just watch#i mean that in the nicest way i possibly can#sir pentious????#my boy????#i literally had to stop the episode and cry laugh after his one moment of glory#also lilith???#literally what is happening here#i have so many questions#and absolutely no answers#so much has happened here i can't even#at least it mostly ended up alright#my faves didn't die so that's what really matters ammiright#hazbin hotel#husk#angel dust#charlie morningstar#vaggie#lucifer morningstar#niffty#alastor
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I'm fucking shaking over vash and wolfwood rn, oh my GOD
#trigun manga#trigun maximum#trimax#vashwood#vash the stampede#wolfwood#nicholas d. wolfwood#the fucking gun scene#“shoot”#shoot ME i can't take this anymore#“i'll trade my life”#“you see a man forcing himself to play the devil”#JUST KISS AND STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC I'M GONNA CRY#wolfwood really is big mad that he trusts and cares about vash tho#everyone talks about vash's suicidal tendencies but what about wolfwood#my man really out here kinda hating being a live#calling himself the devil#bby you have an orphanage calm down#not very demonic
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Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom, dir. Pier Paolo Pasolini
#THE WAY I CAN'T POST THE WHOLE SCENE BECAUSE HE HAS HIS ENTIRE COCK OUT AND THIS WEBSITE FLAGS NUDITY. anyway.#it's better with the whole scene but god it really does fucking Hit#salò#scenes that u are trying to write about for your own stupid essay and keep nearly crying at :')#the whole thing is BETTER he stands up as they walk in & just as they're about to shoot he does the socialist fist#and they stop and look shocked and taken aback and terrified. <3 <3 <3#when the film is about COMMUNISM
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continuation to this post:
Meg who unintentionally and absolutely illogically gets worried when Lester gets sick after the ghoul incident and he doesn't really understand why would she do that
until he does
#meg will fidget with literally anything and stare at him non stop#and ask him so much questions which is strange (why would she ask so much questions; why she asks him to make a stop; why she stares at hi#as if he will disappear; why she frowns so much at him? he is fine?)#so she asks him questions OR doesn't ask them at all just looking at him because he is tired and sick and how for the fuck he i—#—what if he will die? she can't lose him not again he almost died je was so pale she can't lose him again its going to he her fault—#and lester doesn't really understand why she seems so unnerved but tries so hard not to show it until he stops to yk stretch or smthng and#and practically blanks out and all he can hear is his little sister's voice why it is so small why it sounds so scared is she crying why—#why would she cry he is fine why is his cheeks wet ow that hurts and then he gets conscious and realises after a pause what had happened an#and sees meg that is so so scared and oh gods im sorry i didn't mean to scare you whats wrong why are you crying—#oh#and lester will get it after some time and try to make sure that she is okay that my dear meg is not your fault i am fine just a#a little tired and its okay shhhh#i am a sucker for when lester is sick af#the author is also sick with harsh flu is had fever (39°C) for 2 days straight but now is getting better#toa#lester papadopoulos#meg mccaffrey#sunflower siblings#love them#and they love each other#platonically
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anyway this week I leant on my therapist's shoulder and ugly cried for like 10 minutes and as I was leaving I was like 'don't give me that face' and she was like 'I'm just very proud of your progress!' and I'm like 😡😡😡😡😡 THANK YOU 😡😡😡😡😡
#red said#i have cried in therapy before but i am usually always very in control of it#it's a 'tears are running but I'm otherwise normal' kind of crying or occasionally a 'take several deep breaths to pull myself together'#but it's dumb though cause we've talked about some very dramatic shit just fine and today i was just talking about like#my dumb adolescent-type insecurities about not being the kind of Cool And Collected And Exciting Person i want to be#ooooorrrrrr from another angle about how I'm 31 and have built my entire self-conception around being a person Things Happen to#and now at 31 entire years old I'm suddenly trying to figure out what sort of person i am beyond someone who's like#good at being tough and reacting with grace and fortitude to Things Happening At Me.#because Things stopped Happening At Me so much like. 5 years ago now. I'm in a loving relationship i have a stable home#i have a middle class income and great friends and it's been over 6 years since the last time anyone raped me.#my health is better than its ever been. both physical and mental. i am safe and i am loved and i am good at my job#so i can't really keep operating on a self concept where the only thing that i value in myself is the ability to survive#bc like I'm NOT surviving I'm GOOD. i can get what i want and be who i want. what the FUCK do i WANT??????????????
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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