#fuck fuck fuck I didn't mean to draw anything again why does this keep happening

[transsongtaewon]

Based on that one qna about how Song Taewon doesn't really mind going to work but whenever he has to deal with Sung Hyunjae he thinks about just not going to work.

Bonus: totally incredible Song Taewon design prototype:

[crookedteethed]

18+ -mdni

ᥫ᭡. he'll come back, rafe always does.

warnings smut, infidelity, anal, angst, a-to-v (don't do this, unless you want a vag infection)

"Does your wife ever let you fuck her in the ass?" you'd asked Rafe. 

"Shut up." Rafe had told you, stern face, steady body, and his hand slowly sticking his cock into your ass.

"Fuckkk." You melted as you felt his thick tip entering inside of you; inch by inch, you felt Rafe fill you up to the core. 

And when Rafe finally bottomed out inside you--his pelvis touching your asscheeks, he stayed in that position for a peculiarly long time before slowly dragging himself out of you, then pile-driving himself back into your ass--this time with much more force. 

Your ass hadn't even fully adjusted to his length before Rafe relentlessly pumped himself in you.

All you could do was cling onto the pillow that hosted you up, and drool, while Rafe wrecked you.

Fuck, did you miss this: after a long day of work, opening your phone and seeing a "can I see you?" text from Rafe.

You and Rafe hadn't been seeing each other as much ever since he wanted to "make things right with his family." Which meant he had to stop seeing you.

You hated anal, and you hated being Rafe's second pick, but if that's what all it took to be with him, then so be it.

"You were the first guy I let fuck me in my ass." you told Rafe once you adjusted to his length, the feeling starting to feel bittersweet.

Rafe said nothing, his eyes glued to your heart-shaped butt, his cock rutting into you on a mission.

"Does that mean nothing to you?" You asked him. "You were the first guy I'd done anal with, and what do I get? 'my wife, my wife, my wife.' You mocked, laughing.

Suddenly, you heard a low growl from Rafe, and then he stopped fucking you.

"Fuck this, Y/n." he said, pulling himself out of you. "This was a bad idea--"

"No." you pleaded. "Please don't stop fucking me." you looked at Rafe with puppy dog eyes--which never failed to fail with Rafe.

Rafe hesitated, his eyes conflicted as he looked at you. For a moment, you thought he might leave, but then he growled and roughly flipped you onto your back, and lined himself with your cunt.

"You want me to fuck you? Fine. But don't expect this to mean anything," he snarled, thrusting back into you forcefully.

You gasped at the sudden fullness, wrapping your legs around his waist. "I don't care what it means," you lied, clinging to him desperately. "Just don't stop."

Rafe set a punishing pace, his hips snapping against yours. You could see the struggle in his eyes - desire warring with guilt. But his body betrayed him, chasing pleasure relentlessly.

"Fuck, Y/n," he groaned. "Why do you do this to me?"

You didn't answer, too lost in the feeling of Rafe's deep penetration in your tight hole--gushing from Rafe's every thrust.

Rafe's fingers dug into your hips, surely leaving bruises. You arched your back, taking him even deeper. A strangled moan escaped your lips.

"That's it," Rafe panted. "Take all of me."

His thrusts grew erratic, his control slipping. You could feel him throbbing inside you, so close to the edge.

"I can't… I shouldn't…" Rafe's words were strained--which you didn't think was meant for your ears to hear. 

You clenched around him deliberately, drawing a sharp gasp from his lips. His resolve crumbled.

"Y/n!" Rafe cried out as he came undone, spilling himself inside you.

You followed moments later, waves of pleasure washing over you. As you both came down from your high, reality began to set in. Rafe pulled away, unable to meet your eyes.

"This can't happen again, y/n, I'm serious." Rafe said, quickly putting on his dress shirt and slacks.

You sat up slowly, pulling the sheet around yourself. "Rafe, wait," you pleaded softly. "We need to talk about this--you can't keep getting my hopes up."

He paused, his back to you as he buttoned his shirt with trembling fingers. "There's nothing to talk about. This was a mistake - one we can't repeat."

"And yet, you still do." you whispered.

Your soft, mournful words hung in the air like a heavy fog, lingering long after Rafe had left your apartment and was on his way home to see his beloved wife. The sound of his footsteps echoing through the empty hallway.

a/n: I have a funny story about this fic. I wrote it back in August, and it's been sitting in my drafts until now. Haha, isn't that funny? 😐

[lynnlovesthestars]

201 one-liners of /everything/.

hi, i made this list of prompts you can use while you submit requests! I was asked in dms if I had one, and i guess it's time to share it!:)

There's a bit of everything: fluff, hurt/comfort, smut [...]. Just add the corresponding number in your request!

"look at me. breathe. you're safe now."

"c'mon, breathe, breathe, don't you dare die on me. don't you dare--"

"hey. i need your hands steady, i can't stitch this up myself. i can guide you, but you need to breathe."

"it'll all be over soon. you can do this. stay awake and breathe with me, okay? one, two--"

"can't--breathe--"

"i wonder how much more pathetic your screams would be if... say, you couldn't breathe? i've this nice little leash here..."

"he's not breathing, oh god, someone help, he's not--"

“you wanna tell me where you got those bruises from?”

“I know you’re bleeding. I can smell your blood, and you’re pale. now you wanna tell me what happened and who hurt you? or do I have to find it out myself?”

“who did this to you?”

“I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at the scum that thought he could do this to you, and I will make him pay for it.”

“stop squirming and it will hurt less.”

“I’m sorry for yelling. I supposed I got so angry that I lost it, but I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at that sick fuck, and at myself for not seeing the signs sooner.”

“is that really what you think of me? you think I would — you think I would hurt you?”

“you don’t have to be afraid of me.”

“no, I won’t allow you to put yourself in danger like that again. and if I have to tie you up or chain you down to this very bed to make sure you stay put, I will.”

“you can hate me all you want, but I’m not letting you hurt yourself anymore.”

“eat. this is not a question, you have to eat something and I’m hoping that you won’t make me force you.”

“it’s okay, you can cry.”

“I am saving you whether or not you want to be saved.”

“you’re a stubborn brat, but you’re my stubborn brat. I will not let anybody touch what is mine.”

“I told you to listen to me. you should’ve listened to me.”

“I don’t want you to apologize to me, I want you to stop doing this to yourself.”

“let me see [the wound]. I said let me see.”

“you don’t realize how much you mean to me, do you?”

“I know it hurts, but I need you to be brave for me right now.”

“stop it. stop fighting against me. I am helping you.”

“I’d burn the world down for you.”

“look what you made me do. none of this would’ve happened if you just listened to me.”

“I saved you. all these deaths? it’s worth it. I would do anything and everything to keep you safe.”

'When did this happen?'

'What the fuck [name]. And you didn't tell me?' 

'How long were you planning on hiding this?'

what are you do-" "look, now we match!"

 "you're cleaning this up, right? since this was your idea."

. "feeling better?" "it feels like i've been slapped but on the inside." "so... no?"

 "who let you look so cute today?"

 "since we're dating, does that mean i can hold your hand whenever i want?"

 "i've been looking for my x-" "my x, you mean."

"i've always wanted to come here with you."

 "this song reminds me of you."

 "oh no, my head, it's falling conveniently onto your shoulder!"

"shut up and kiss me already."

"i've waited for so long just to say that to you."

 "your hands are colder than the one time i lost a bet and i had to stick my hand into the snow for five minutes."

 "you love me?" "i always have."

"what's that even supposed to be?" "it's a drawing of you, idiot."

"here comes the airplane!" "i can feed myself." "too bad."

 "i know it's not the best but-" "i love it."

 "i can hear your heartbeat- why is it going so fast all of a sudden?"

"You don't miss me, you only miss the thought of me,"

"That's not love! That's obsession,"

"Well done. You've officially pushed away everyone that's ever given a fuck about you,"

 . "I'm better than this," // "No, you're not!"

 "I don't miss you,"

 "I just want to die,"

 "I tried apologizing, I tried fixing it, I gave you space! What can I do to make this right!?" // "Nothing! This will never be right- I will never forgive you!"

"Trust me," // "I wish I could,"

“I remember the first time we met.”

“I know it’s your favorite.”

“Everything okay?  You don’t seem like yourself.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Let me get that for you.”

“I’m here to listen.”

“Let’s go out.  Just the two of us.”

“I don’t have to ask, I know.”

“Well, I don’t, but you do.”

“I did it for you.”

“No one’s ever done this for me before…”

“Only you can call me that.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“It’ll take more than that to get rid of me.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“We’ll get through this together.”

“Don’t worry, I knew what you meant.”

“I’m not going anywhere.

Perhaps i should phrase myself better. You. Wont. Lay. A. Single. Finger. On. Her.

Yeah, I killed him. I won't apologize for that.

He had it coming.

"He was asking for it." "For a beat-up?" "Yeah."

I don't care if you want me here or not. I'm staying.

He said what?!

"He had it coming." "you killed him." "Exactly."

Are you falling in love with me, hon'?

You're playing a dangerous game, darling.

You’ll stay by my side until I tell you so.

„You’d defy the gods, only for me?” „i would destroy the gods for you.”

You can change what you do but you cant change what you want.

If I cant have you no one should.

You don't want to make me jealous, honey.

“You think I stare at you just for fun? Well, think again.”

“I didn’t brush my hand against yours for you to snatch your hand away like that. My feelings are frankly, hurt.” 

“Your presence is just so… It fucks me up, but like, in a good way.” 

“I have a crush on you. And by crush, I mean like… I would literally die for you if you asked me to.” 

“I want you to be mine but I also feel like you don’t want to be mine and that makes me very, very upset.”

“You think I did all of this for your attention? Well, unfortunately… You’re right. I’m an idiot in like. Or in love.” 

“The only reason why I’m letting you get away with shit like this is because I like you, you dense fucking cabbage.” 

“I think it would devastate me to find out you don’t like me back.”

“Keep in mind that this isn’t something I do for just anyone. There’re a lot of things I’ve done that I’ve only done for you.” 

“The issue here is that you think I’m not head over heels in love with your dumb fucking ass.” 

"What if someone sees us?"

"I would love to just take you out on a date."

"Let's meet at our spot."

"But I don't care about what anyone else thinks!"

"Not sure I can go the whole day without kissing you."

"I would love to hold hands with you."

"They will be mad if they ever find out."

"Let's go somewhere where we no one knows us."

"I'll just keep dreaming of our first real date."

"Can we really keep going like this?"

"It's not easy, but I'm right here with you."

"Are you sure that you're ready to tell them?"

"I would love everyone to know about us."

"You're not my dirty little secret. And I never want you to think that."

I need you.”

“Try to stay quiet for me. Can you do that?”

“Spread”

“I want to watch you take off your clothes.”

“Lay back and touch yourself. I want to watch.”

“You want to do this right now? Even though we could get caught?”

“You look so beautiful tied up to my bed,” 

“I want you to be rough with me, please leave marks on my skin,”

“Say my name,” “Louder,”

“No, I’m the one that’s supposed to be making you feel good,”

“Don’t stop, whatever you do. I like that, a lot.”

“I love hearing you moan,”

“I want to hear you beg for it.”

“I want to kiss every inch of your body before I fuck you,”

“I don’t have the patience to remove your clothes right now,” 

“Your pussy tastes so sweet,”

“I can’t wait until we're alone. There are so many things I want to do to you right now.”

“Bite me,” “Where?”

“Were you just touching yourself?”

“The game is, either of us is only allowed to touch the other with their mouth.” 

“I love how your body loses control when you cum.”

“Fuck me like a starved animal or leave.”

“Show me how you like to be touched.” 

“Harder, Deeper...”

“I missed being with you like this,”

“I’ve been excited to see you all day.”

“You’re my perfect match,” 

“No one else can compare to your loveliness,”

“The way you smile like that always turns me on,”

“I’ll keep you warm. Hold me closer.”

“Kiss me again, like you mean it.”

“Are you my secret admirer, the one that’s been sending me all the flowers and notes?” 

“You're supposed to be washing my hair, but this feels more like a massage.”

“Hold my hand tight. I’ll protect you.”

“When do you think help will come?” “Not for a while, I guess we’re stranded here alone for the time being.”

“I’m sorry, you’re so pretty I forgot what I was going to say”

“I fall in love with you every time I look in your eyes”

“Why are you staring at me?" + "Because I think you're beautiful”

“I’ve never felt safer than I do in your arms”

“Sorry… your hair was in your face… thought I should move it so I could see you better”

“C'mere, I don't mind letting you sleep on me”

“Do you know how beautiful you are? It’s truly distracting”

“How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?”

“I'm right here; I won't leave your side. Go back to sleep, darling”

“You are the whole of my heart”

“There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you”

“I love you, I always have and I always will”

“No. I’m not letting you go it’s too early to get out of bed”

“You’re the most beautiful thing I ever met”

“I’ll always be here for you”

"i'd sleep so much better if you were here every night."

“I was never a morning person, but then I started waking up to your face and you know… Maybe mornings aren’t that bad, after all.” 

“I fucking hate you.” “No you don’t. Take that back right now.” 

“You know I’d do anything to have you stay by my side, right? Anything.”  

“Oh, fuck. Do that again.” 

“You’ve given me so many reasons to walk away.” “Then why don’t you walk away? It’s not like I’m keeping you hostage here.” “You still don’t get it, do you? It’s because I love you.” 

“…Damn it all to hell, if I don’t get to have you tonight then I’m never going to be able to have you.” 

“Let me call you mine, just for tonight.”

“I think you and I make an amazingly stupid pair.” “I know! Our two brain cells combined together make for quality entertainment and a unique kind of stupidity.” 

“I’m going to have so much fun with you.”

“Bet you they don’t make you sound like that, do they?” 

“Fuck, you’re such a wreck, and because of me, too.” 

“You are driving me insane and I’m this close to losing my shit because of you.”

“Is hating me your only personality trait?”

“Never scare me like that again!” 

“Oh, don’t worry. I have every plan to make you submit to me.”

“I’m not even gonna lie, I’m just so fucking obsessed with you.” 

“That could be us.” “That is us.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you— slow down, you’ll get what you want soon enough.”

“I want you to remember every single second of this.” 

“Bet you they can’t make you feel the way I do.” “Bet’s on.” “Wait, what? That was not my intention—”

“Hm, but I think I like having you spread out like this. Such a gorgeous sight.” 

“…You’re an addiction I never want to quit.” 

“I had nothing to live for, but then you came into my life. So thank you.” 

“Why’d you— why’d you do that?” “B-Because I promised you I’d do anything to keep you safe.” 

“I swear if we get caught then I’m actually going to kill you.” 

“Just when I was about to give up…”

“I trusted you with my life.” “Well, I’m sorry but you’re clearly very gullible.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the same as I do, then I’ll leave you alone.” 

“Does me doing all these things not account for anything?” “I never asked you to do those things for me, though, did I?”

“I… I think I’m happy.” “You think? So you’re not one hundred percent certain?”

“Who’s laughing now?” “…Clearly not you. You’re crying, dear God.” 

“You actually came back.”

“I fell in love, so hard, and so fast, but a part of me knew it wasn’t going to last.” 

“Your heart’s always on your sleeve.” “Only around you, because you’re the only one who knows me so well. Too well, in fact.”

“You’ve got me acting like a fool.”

[pastel-rights]

I LOVE your art style! How did you came up with it?

huh? my art style??? uhhh, i mean i uhhhh if you want, i can explain how I got to this point but. sometimes, things just. happen yknow???

honestly my old art compared to the more recent of what I've done probably looks. very very jarring side by side since it looks like it was drawn by completely different people lol. For example, look at this early 2017 character concept verse a late (November) 2024 character concept.

It's. Definitely a lot to take in so uhm. Buckle up! [cue a heavy metal version of bye-bye-bye playing for atmosphere reasons]

So, I've been drawing as a hobby since about... 2009 give or take? However, the earliest art I have on hand is probably from... 2016 or 2015 tbh??? Although, I only really started keeping a fr fr log of my art from 2019 and onwards so, let's start with what I actually have to show.

It's all about the basics, anon!

Growing up, my art was inspired by the shows I watched growing up! in particular, shows like "Codename: Kids Next Door" and "Tom and Jerry" were my rock in childhood times (since I wasn't allowed to watch Spongebob until I was much older and a majority of my "childhood" tv shows didn't start airing until later in my life, like Bubble Guppies (which aired in 2011) and Team Umizoomi and Octonauts (which both released in 2010) which, by then, the television was run by my younger brother's needs mostly, and I didn't get a say.)

So, I guess you could say my art was inspired by those two shows mostly???? of course, not... fully? hold on let me show you guys the earliest art I have to work with here-

these are all from 2019 since it's the furthest back I was able to save my art but. Looking at it, it doesn't look like it was inspired in the way artists are normally inspired by their environment. At least, that's not how it feels to me.

my art at this point was very... a lot of it was traditional in comparison to now, for starters. The color grades are completely off, the lining is. interesting. A lot of one shot one result type of shenanigans. Of course, it shares its origin with my childhood entertainment in general, which is being very cartoonish in style! On traditional grounds, I fucked around with a lot of different methods, some just pencil, some with markers, blah blah blah yada yada yada.

which, character design is my passion /ref if you couldn't tell. but my art style has always been very cartoonish and stylized, even in my earliest days. Big eyes, wild hair styles, noodly limbs, you know, the cartoonist hallmarks! If nothing else, my art style is more reflective of who I am as a person?? like the cartoons that formed me, it's very expressive and full of color and whimsy and in its own way, it's my way of thanking the world that taught me happiness and joy, and I draw to give others that same feeling.

Whether that be my friends' OCs or silly shitposts, I draw for the joy others get seeing it! Here look at this picture of my friend (@sxftriina)'s OC, Ocean, I draw way way back when lol

...

but at some point, I realized. My art didn't make me happy anymore. I didn't have fun drawing anymore. and it just became more of a chore to make than a fun hobby or a good time. I couldn't find the joy in art anymore. And I couldn't create anything I was proud of either.

I got stuck. It didn't matter what I drew, what things I tried. I couldn't make myself happy again. and while my art might not have suffered.

I did.

art was nothing more than a chore. something I had to do because I wasn't good for anything else.

and it made me severely depressed, among other things happening during those times.

so what does a burnt out depressed artist do in crisis times??????????

...

he joins tumblr, of course.

I wish I was joking. I'm not.

anyways so it was like 4am and I was like "let me join tumblr why the hell not maybe I'll find something there" and uhm. well I didn't find anything initially. and every day was as depressing as the last, and I eventually just. felt like giving up. I ran an askblog and drew a ton still because while it made me unhappy, I felt unhappier just. doing nothing. Lesser of two evils I suppose?

that was until I uh. I met someone really special to me. Even now.

if you're reading this, uh. hi lupi!

This was around the time I found Identity Five at the end of 2020, and began drawing fanart for the game, which restored... some joy to art? Not completely, but, I wasn't so miserable drawing during this time of my life. It felt like a chore still, but, at least now I was having some semblance of fun doing it. Not completely fun though... I was still stuck in a funk. I didn't know why.

And then, I met Lupi. At the time, she was following me through her askblog account (she still does) and I got curious and decided to check it out for myself and. I think if I never checked out Lupi's blog that day, my art wouldn't have taken the direction it did, and, I would have never regained my love for my craft.

Of course, I feel silly even talking about it so... I took a different direction with my art after scrolling through Lupi's art, which sometimes I'll do, even to this day just for fun sake. And this time... I don't know.

It just felt different this time. It wasn't the best, and it certainly wasn't easy either. But for the first time in over a year... I had genuine fun drawing again. No negative feelings attached.

Just... fun.

A lot of fun at that. A lot of things from this era of my style stuck. Like... a looooot. My color choices, my mini style, the flow, a lot of what I learned from this era stuck with me, even now.

it retains so much of the past yet it means so much more. it's still cartoonish, still small and squashed, funky hairstyles, noodle limbs, fun clothing... the whole nine yards.

Of course... this is only 2021 art. My art now, while similar... it's not the same. And it's all thanks to ONE RED HAIRED MOTHERFUCKER. not ginger, red haired. apples are red, not orange. /ref

It was the first time in. several years that I've drawn something just for me. Even if it was something small and silly while waiting for an after-school activity to start. It was something I remember really fondly, a feeling that wasn't just fun but. actual joy.

Not only that but, for as simple as it is, it marked the start of a very, very... very long long of stylization like never before. You take what makes you happy... piece by piece, bit by bit...

you learn... you grow... you improve upon skills you have... body language, expression, detail... all those things. You meet some really cool people along the way... you talk, you laugh, you cry.

you get inspired and you want to show them something new, something cool... and in doing so, you make something you never thought was possible. Not with your skills, and not in a million years.

But, you learn. you laugh. you watch. you grow.

you figure out what you like. cool colors, fun dynamics, shading, lighting, storylines... things like that. you inspire others, and those people inspire you in turn.

you learn some cool new poses, you draw some fun fanart for your friends aus, you try new things and those end up sticking.

sometimes it's just you and one other person, who stuck through, watching you draw until a piece's very end. because they like you for you. and they care. sometimes they never leave your side, and they continue to inspire you to this very day.

you have fun with what youre doing. there's not really any need to rush, you know? you look at new media, you talk to the people you care about the most, you make things to surprise them with. and they're happy. and you're happy.

and you want to keep drawing.

but you can't forget to draw for yourself sometimes. something just for you that others can enjoy, but, it wasn't made for others. it was made because you love yourself and you deserve something special. it's important to draw what you want for yourself.

and sometimes, it becomes your staple.

you put your best foot forward, you give it everything you've got! because it's not a chore. it's fun. it's a hobby.

and it makes you happy. your art becomes recognizable, people compliment it and enjoy its presence. even in passing.

...

I love my art style too, anon. i know its been a long while of me talking. telling my story, my experience with my art. how it built me. how it ruined me. and how I found myself again.

I didn't know how to answer your question when I first got this ask.

Because, I didn't know how I came up with it. In my mind, it just happened. But, I think I have an answer for you now.

For real this time.

My art style is a culmination of everything and everyone I love. Navi, Pins, Beth, Yuu, Tae, Klai, Joe, Rina, Lupi, Four, pretty much everyone I surround myself with on a day to day basis. Bit by bit, piece by piece, my art style is fueled by the love I have for my friends.

Every improvement over the years has all been so I can show them something fun, something new. So I can keep surprising them with each new piece I do.

But, it's not just my friends.

It's you too, anon. Whoever you are. Wherever you are. Every like, every reblog, every comment and compliment. Every ask, every live reaction.

Thank you.

Thank you for helping me find my joy again. I hope I didn't disappoint.

[batsplat]

casey also talks about sepang 2015 what do you think of that

oh in that podcast? uh... lemme listen again...

yeah idk it's not really anything new I'd say? he's said basically all the same stuff in more interesting and extensive ways elsewhere. I think casey inevitably has a very 'well feuding is bad and helps nobody' point of view, has expressed that before in the past, does it here again, and he's also drawn a parallel between himself and marc on several occasions. which... well, of course there's similarities in terms of public discourse or whatever, but the parallel really falls apart whenever casey argues the feuds cost valentino. like, I do think it's sometimes important to just. keep in mind. it's interesting that casey draws this comparison in his mind but that doesn't necessarily means he's right about this. I'm not sure how you'd argue that starting a feud with casey cost valentino anything competitively? you can argue it didn't help him I guess, and then we can have a debate about the ins and outs of the 2008 season. we can also have an argument that in a hypothetical world where casey isn't ill in 2009, valentino doesn't break his leg and casey isn't on a piece of junk in 2010, and valentino isn't on a piece of junk in 2011-12, then actually maybe valentino sparking open animosity with casey COULD have cost him. but we don't know that! didn't happen! I wish we could have found out, but we never got the chance! as it stands, the tally on this is pretty straightforward: casey won the title when things were reasonably civil between them in 2007, and valentino took control of the following season at the exact moment he worsened the relationship between the pair of them in 2008. obviously, it's all more complicated than that and casey would of course argue laguna didn't negatively affect his subsequent performances... but it certainly didn't help them. like, at the very worst valentino escalating tensions in 2008 is a complete net neutral. after 2009, them being bitchy to each other every other tuesday was completely competitively irrelevant beyond maybe affecting how they approached occasionally fighting for a podium position. hey, maybe casey used that feud to fire himself up through sheer spite throughout the later stages of his career, but that doesn't actually support his anti-feud stance - it's basically the exact same thing as what valentino does. they're both quite similar in that regard! always so hungry to prove a point, to show how someone else is wrong. kinda half the point with this feuding business is to get yourself going, get yourself motivated, yeah. he straight up openly admits to using yamaha's repeat rejection of him as a way of giving himself motivation, and at the end of the day that's really not all that different?

anyway, what else does casey say... oh yeah, that him and the other aliens were already kinda prepared for this and had learned vale's tricks. that valentino had only been able to get into the minds of the previous generation. welllllll *wiggles hand* sure, I mean, he did clearly have to change his approach... he couldn't just use the exact same playbook to get to them, either on-track or off-track. but that's why he did change up the playbook... again, whether you want to believe valentino won his final two titles 'in the head' rather than just through pure pace kinda depends on how you assess the evidence, but it is at the very least a debate. and, y'know, it's always worth remembering that valentino's most important mind games with casey didn't happen in a press conference... it was on the track. and the on-track stuff really is just embedded in how valentino approaches winning. speaking of aliens, this is what dani and jorge have said:

like, valentino's entire approach to his riding, even to the way he's setting his bike up, is deliberately about directly fucking with you... he's not actually always trying to be faster than you as much as he's trying to give himself the tools to make your life miserable, to pressure you into mistakes, etc etc... and again, especially with casey (if anything because he was so mentally sturdy), the off-track stuff was really just window dressing. (I know they bicker a lot after 2009 but it's just so fundamentally irrelevant to actual on-track competition.) so you can be aware of those tricks, but it also doesn't necessarily help you when someone's being nasty to you on-track in a way you just fully do not enjoy. which is what it was like for casey! for casey, a lot of this comes back to the truly unpleasant context of how he was perceived by the public, how he was treated as mentally weak or 'broken' or whatever partly because he had the misfortune of coming up against a bloke who had the reputation for breaking rivals. I think it's quite natural to end up with a bit of a hardliner 'actually I've never been mentally affected by a result in my life' stance - and of course casey is a lot tougher than a lot of people give him credit for. that being said. sometimes your rivals affect you, shit happens, it's part of the game. it's fundamentally a nice idea to think that valentino's tactics weren't just morally wrong but also ineffective, which is kind of the appeal of this narrative, right? you want to believe you're above that, you want to believe you were adequately prepared and wise to valentino's tactic. it's unsurprising and understandable that casey does tend to tell the story that way, but again it's *wiggles hand* also hard to describe it as completely factual

uh. what else. oh I'm thrilled casey does canonically know valentino and marc were friends, he has said he wasn't following motogp too much during that time period so you couldn't be sure of that. does this mean anything? does it tell you anything? well, no, but it's just a pleasing thought to me. I like that. oh also 'provoking particularly aggressive riders isn't a good idea' is kinda a funny take from casey? like, he of all people would hate the idea of being cowed by someone's reputation like that... casey's right that provoking fast riders can potentially be dangerous, but y'know I do think that's probably not news to anyone almost nine years later. um. that's all I've got I think

[aerodaltonimperial]

(💚🖤, happy birthday babygirl)

It's an unknown number, when it comes through, and normally Darby wouldn't pick that up, because while it's fun to argue with scammers trying to get his credit card information for phony car warranties, he gets kind of tired by the end, but he picks it up. Can't explain why, just does; it's got a California area code.

"Hello?" he asks, just in case it's one of his buddies who drop-kicked his fucking phone into the lake. Not that that's ever happened, or anything. Not that he's ever done that.

"Darby," the voice on the other side says.

Darby pauses. "... Jack?"

"Did you know," Jack says, drawing the syllables long, "it's my birthday today?"

"Uh," Darby says. "I didn't." There's noise in the background, enough that he can pick it out: music, for sure, though only the bass line is coming through, and voices. Someone yells, and then there's a burst of laughter, and all of a sudden it gets muted, like Jack walked out of a door. "Where are you?"

"The, uh..." Jack laughs. It goes a little high at the end. "Uh, Matthew and Nicholas threw me a... birthday party."

Darby stares at the trees outside his deck. "Okay."

"You know, it's, uh. It's good manners to get someone a present."

"Dude, I didn't even have your number," Darby says, and Jack laughs again. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Another laugh. Whatever's happening in the background, it's getting softer, so Jack must be walking away from it. "Yeah, it's something you do. Dante and Darius gave me a present, you know, so..."

"Are you high right now?" Darby asks, because fuck, that's somehow hysterical. Jack's wound tighter than a god damn mouse trap, and Darby can't imagine him finally shedding all that baggage, even just for a night.

"I'm not, uh." Jack hisses something, an expletive. "A little bit? A little... yeah, fairly. Fairly, yeah." Another mumble, like he's walking and keeps tripping on things beneath his heels. "I'm... I'm good."

"Yeah, it sounds like it." Darby leans over the deck railing. "Why are you calling me?"

"Because it's my birthday."

"Yeah, you said that already," Darby says.

A pause, and an audible exhale. "Because... because on your birthday, you're supposed to get things that you want."

That nearly knocks Darby sideways. His palm slides across the wood and he gets a damn splinter in his skin for his trouble. "Jack."

The other side of the line goes quiet, and this... feels like something Darby was woefully unprepared for. He tries, "You don't like me."

"That's, uh," Jack starts. "That's... not, strictly speaking, true."

What the fuck. "Jack."

"Do you, um. Do you not like me?"

Oh, he's not even remotely prepared for this, and Darby drags his hand down his face watching two of the dogs jump up onto the half-pipe, butts wiggling in the air. "I don't... I don't dislike you, Jack."

A laugh. "That's, uh, better than it could be? I guess it's... yeah, that's better than it could be."

"You mean, considering we tried to murder each other?"

Jack laughs again; there's something intoxicating about it. Darby's not sure he's ever really heard the sound before. Jack doesn't really laugh, especially not now. Especially not anywhere near Darby. "Yeah, considering that. But I wouldn't have."

"No?"

"No, I don't... want that," Jack says. The wind hisses a little through the speaker, so wherever he's wandered off to, he's outside. "That's not what I want. From you."

Darby presses his tongue against the back of his teeth. "You said I was supposed to get you a present. What, exactly, do you want?"

The other side goes silent. Darby waits, for long enough that he worries Jack honestly could have fallen asleep, and finally asks, "Jack? What would you have wanted from me?"

"Can you figure it out?" Jack asks, voice soft.

It's Darby's turn to laugh, only because ten minutes ago, he never could have dreamed of this fucking phone call happening. "Probably."

"Maybe you can give it to me next time you see me."

"Are you gonna remember this tomorrow?" Darby asks.

A pause, and then, "I fucking hope so."

"Go back to the party, Jack," Darby says, low. He sinks his teeth down into his bottom lip. "Go enjoy your party."

"Yeah." A ragged inhale. "Yeah, okay."

"Jack?" Darby tries. "Happy birthday."

"Thanks," Jack exhales against the phone. "I, uh. Yeah. Thanks."

He hangs up, and Darby stands for a long time staring out at the treeline on his property, wondering if he should have seen this coming, or if this was always gonna slam into him like a god damn freight train.

[cherrythepuppet]

The Hospital

TW: Gun violence, general violence, throat slitting, medical things (needles and scalpels, etc)

Vinnie and Dante: ZeddyZi

Gram: Me

Dante shot awake and looked around waking up on a bed but seeing his bag and Gram nowhere in sight. He looks up, seeing Vinnie sat next to him on a chair along with a soldier standing at the end of the bed, watching them

“Welcome to the Fireflies. Sorry about the…” Vinnie chuckled poitning to her head to the soldier causing Dante looks at them “Ethan didn't know who you were” Vinnie said but before she could add anything else, Dante spoke up

“And Gram?”

“He's all right. They brought him back” Vinnie told him and Dante relaxed, looking relieved “You came all this way… How'd you do it?” Vinnie asked “It was him. he fought like hell to get here… Maybe it was meant to be” Dante cleared his throat

Dante sits up on the bed as Vinnie stands from her chair, walking towards the wall “I lost most of my crew, crossing the country. I pretty much lost everything” Vinnie sighed “And then you show up and somehow we find you just in time to save him. Maybe it was meant to be” She smiled

Dante sat on the edge of the bed and stretched “Take me to him…” He demanded “You don't have to worry about him anymore. We'll take care of-” “I worry. Just let me see him, please”

Vinnie paused “You can't. he's being prepped for surgery” She said as Dante stood up “The hell you mean, surgery?” Dante asked and Vinnie sighed

“The doctors tell me that the Cordyceps, the growth inside him, has somehow mutated. It's why he's immune. Once they remove it, they'll be able to reverse engineer a vaccine. A vaccine” Vinnie chuckled in disbelief

“But it grows all over the brain” Dante mumbled “It does…” Vinnie frowned causing Dante to freeze “Find someone else” He demanded “There is no one else” Vinnie said as Dante took a step closer to him

“Listen, you are gonna show me where-” Ethan comes forward, striking Dante in the leg and pushing him to the floor. He draws his pistol “Stop” Ethan steps back and lowers his gun. Vinnie stands next to him, looking down at Dante, who picks himself up to a kneeling position

“I get it. But whatever it is you think you're going through right now is nothing to what I have been through. Im his mother, Im all he has left” Vinnie told Dante “Then why are you letting this happen?” Dante asked

“Because this isn't about me. Or even Him. There is no other choice here” Dante glares at Vinnie before He then sits up “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that bullshit” Dante grumbled as Vinnie sighed

“March him outta here. He tries anything, shoot him” Vinnie told Ethan who nodded “Don't waste this gift, Dante” She added before leaving the room as Dante remains sat on the ground as Ethan stands in front of him

Dante slowly gets to his feet, Dante walks to the door as Ethan trains his gun at him from behind and Dante slows down “I said move” Ethan pushes Dante forwards then Dante turns his head “Which way?” Dante asked

Ethan gestures his gun to the left. Dante turns and walks that way as Ethan follows. Midway down the hall, Dante notices his backpack on a counter and He stops just in front of it “What the fuck are you doin'? Keep walking” Ethan shoves his pistol into Dante's back

Dante elbows the gun upwards as Ethan fires a shot. The bullet misses. Dante grabs him and shoves him against the wall. Dante takes the gun and hits him in the face with it. He then forces the gun into Ethan's abdomen as he holds him against the wall

“Where is the operating room?” Dante glared “I ain't got time for this” Dante shoots Ethan in the abdomen. Demanding “Where?” Dante fires again “Where?” “Top floor. The far end” Ethan told him

Dante lets him go, Ethan slumps to his knees and Dante shoots him in the head then Ethan collapses to the floor as Dante holsters the gun and proceeds to pick up his bag “Gunshots! Search the floor!” Fireflies shouted in the distance

“Oh shit!” Dante hides behind a wall as a group of Firefly soldiers approach as Two soldiers turn the hallway. Dante hides nearby and The soldiers approach Ethan's corpse.]

“Oh shit. He killed Ethan” “What?” Ethan's dead” “We got a man down. The smuggler's escaped” “Locate the target and eliminate him. We'll search the other floor” “Search the floor. Find that smuggler and shoot him on sight”

The two soldiers and their nearby squad begin patrolling the floor. Quietly takes them out by strangling one and slitting the others throat, He moved through the ward entering a hallway leading to the west wing and hides when he hears reinforcements running down the corridor

A group of three Fireflies run past and enter the ward “Oh, dear God. It's a fucking massacre over here. Search every inch of this floor. Find this guy now!” Dante moves from his hiding place and enters the west wing

Suddenly, another Firefly soldier bursts through a door to the stairwell “What's going on down there? Did you hear what I- Oh shit! He's over here!” Dante quickly shot the soldier and ran through the door

He turns around and locks the door the door by using a nearby chair as Firefly soldiers bang against the door but it stays shut “There…” Dante proceeds to ascend the stairwell to the sixth floor to the Fireflies' living quarters

Dante approaches the nearby window and peers out, where he sees the surgery wing's lights active “I'm comin', Gram…” He backs away/ Meanwhile, numerous Fireflies enter the wing ahead and begin taking up defensive positions in the area

Dante enters the area and hides behind cover “Who the hell is this guy?” “He brought the kid all the way from the zone, that's all I know. Vinnie insisted on questioning him herself” Dante moves forward until he is spotted by one of the guards

“He's in here with us! Don't let him get to the kid!”

Dante proceeds to sprint past them to the pediatrics door at the far end before they could open fire, He barricades the doors with a crate of surgical equipment “There… C'mon… That should buy me some time”

Dante reaches the surgery prep room at the end of the hallway. He enters to see Gram unconscious on the bed, with three surgeons around him “Sweet Jesus…” The three doctors turn to face him and The head surgeon moves towards Dante

“What're you doing in here?” the surgeon asked picking up a scalpel “I won't let you take him. This is our future. Think of all the lives we'll save! Don't come any closer. I mean it!” Dante sihed and walked forward, forcing the scalpel from their hand and uses it to stab them in the throat, killing them

“No! You fucking animal!” “Kari, shut the hell up!” “Please, I don't wanna die! Oh, God… Oh, God…” “Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Uh, just take the boy and leave, okay?” Dante glared and shot them both in the head

Dante moves to Gram on the operating table and disconnects the medical tubing before He pulls Gram up and carries him in his arms “Come on, kid. I gotcha… I gotcha…” Dante muttered while Fireflies move towards the door, their flashlights beaming into the room

“Oh shit…” Dante said as He rushes through the emergency exit and ran away from the approaching Fireflies “He's carrying the boy towards pediatrics! Get up here now!” “Come on, man. We just want the boy”

Numerous Fireflies begin cutting off the various exits as Dante runs through various rooms, searching for a way out “I'm getting you outta here, kid… I got you. I got you” Dante told Gram;s unconscious body

Dante turns a corner and finds Fireflies closing in from in front of him then he runs through a locker room to the right “We're okay. We're okay… We're okay. We'll get through this, okay? I got you… I got you” Dante said

The Fireflies corner Dante in a long corridor “This is your last chance. Drop him, now!” the fireflies shouted as They force Dante towards an elevator at the end of the hall “I said get back!” Dante demanded

The Fireflies start shooting at Dante, bullets rushing past him as he makes it into the elevator safely andThe doors close just as the Fireflies reach the elevator. The lift starts descending

Dante leans against the back of the elevator, looking up before looking down at Gram. The elevator then dings as it reaches the lowest level; the parking lot, The elevator door opens, as Dante continues to carry an unconscious Gram in his arms. He presses the emergency stop button

He exits the elevator and goes to run away. However, Vinnie is waiting outside. She draws her sidearm, aiming it at Dante, who comes to a standstill “You can't save him. Even if you get out of here, then what?” Vinnie asked

“How long before he's torn to pieces by a pack of clickers? How long until he’s murdered?” She added “That ain't for you to decide” Dante glared “It's what he'd want!” Vinnie exclaimed “And you know it. Look…” She muttered

She takes her aim off of Dante and puts her hands in the air “You can still do the right thing here. he won't feel anything” She told him as Dante held Gram closer to his chest and hesitated thinking for a second

Before suddenly a shot rang out and Vinnie fell to the ground, Dante took a small step back and hid the pistol in his hands while He carried Gram to the backseat of a nearby SUV. . He shuts the door, stalking back to Vinnie, who is bleeding out on the ground

He stops just in front of her, as she raises her arm “Wait! Let me go. Please” Vinnie pleaded “You'd just come after him…” Dante grumbled raising the pistol and shooting Vinnie point blank in the head, Killing her…

[crystalaris]

Please Don't Hate Me!

(Moon knight x Reincarnated teen Reader)

Marc Spector carries a lot of Secrets that more often than not get him into a world of trouble. Turns out his kid might have more than he does.

Poor Layla , she didn't sign up for this

In other words:

In a world where a person from our world reincarnates into moon knight and they Really, Really love their big family

Disclaimer: I do not own Moon Knight or the photos (I do edit the photos, but they are not mine)

Ch 1

Ch 2

Ch 3: You're in Deep Shit Marc Spector

Warning: mentions of depression and someone passing out,

also Layla steals the show, good for her

———

Loud, constant clacking filled the dimming room as a woman with long, dark, curly hair sat at her desk typing away with a harsh, but determined look.

She was frustrated, royally pissed, but most of all, Layla was worried.

Her baby girl, yes hers.

Marc had left, leaving divorce papers a few weeks after his disappearance, sure they were unsigned, but she didn't care!

He. Left!

He has no right to say he cares!

He. Has. No. Fucking Right.

Marc Left.

And it tore her baby girl apart.

It tore her heart as well, but that she can handle.

She can be wounded, she can bleed till her last drop and she will still be able to move. It would be hard but she can get up and try again. It would take time and she would have to learn to trust again, but she could, would heal.

But watching her baby girl fall apart?

Literally fall apart, piece by piece?

That was the kicker.

The Final straw.

That was Marc stabbing her, them, in the back.

Layla had already lost her father, she can't help her wish to know how or why, but she could live.

She had met Marc, got married, and had a sweet baby girl. In a way she moved past her father's death.

She had a family of her own.

HAD!

Marc stole that from her!

Stole her new family! He ripped them apart viciously by leaving!

Of course she's livid!

Her sweet little baby girl nearly cried that first week that had gone by with absolutely no word from Marc.

At first, she thought he was on another one of Khonshu's missions. Sometimes they ran long. Normally it was no big deal. Sure, it was odd he hadn't said anything before leaving, but she understood how demanding that god could be. There were multiple talks and rants, the frustration with that topic alone could topple mountains.

So she had understood.

Key word, had.

Watching the frown appear on her daughters face when Layla said papa went on a trip was worrying, but not enough to draw Layla's attention.

Not yet, at the very least.

But when the week finished up and there were still no signs of Marc? Layla started to worry.

Worry that Marc was dead, long gone to a place neither could reach.

There is a saying that 'no news is good news'.

It's a Lie.

'No news' is Worse.

It's no wonder 'Hope' was in Pandora's box.

'No news' leaves you wondering what happened, how it happened, maybe even why. But you hold on to that hope, no matter how small. You pray nothing has gone wrong, every single day. You wait, holding your breath, 'One more day' you'll chant. 'I'll find out tomorrow' but when tomorrow comes? It's the exact same thing, making your worry and dread grow till eventually it slowly becomes a crushing weight. Hope, once an ally, has become the backstabber, the taunter, the solid boulder. It drives you crazy with 'what ifs'.

'No news' can mean so much more.

And it drags on in the most torturous of ways.

So when Marc didn't check in like normal, didn't warn her about the silence required on his mission, to keep them safe, she started to worry.

But their daughter, her little treasure who has fiercely loved her father for all these years, seemed to have noticed as well.

Layla never really knew just how much their baby girl paid attention to their comings and going. Honestly, she would have been impressed if those observations hadn't bothered her baby girl.

It had started small enough, a meal missed here, another skipped there. Her little girl sleeping in their bedroom, sometimes stealing some of Marc's shirts, the dirty shirts.

Layla didn't have the heart to scold her after the fourth time, not after that heartbreaking mumbled apology. She can't help but wonder where she learned those puppy dog eyes.

Not when Layla realized she hadn't seen her little girl in days.

Her child who would rather play outside with her father insread of watching a movie or play video games seemed to hide behind them now, almost obsessively. Layla's daughter Refusing to ride or even look at the swings, or anything that had to do with her activities with Marc. The tree he had caught her in was empty except for the leaves. The couch where she always slept on top of Marc now sat empty. The blanket now moved to the recliner. Touch no longer seemed to sooth her little girl.

The little hugger of the family just... seemed to ghost around the house.

The girl that would sing random songs while she baked family and friends treats, barely opened her mouth after the third week.

That finally snapped Layla out of it, enough to try ring Marc.

Good news, his phone went through.

Bad news, the asshole refused to pick up.

Oh, she didn't call him an asshole the first time she called, nor the second. But after the 54th call, 46 messages and 0 answers? Well, she naturally grew pissed.

Her messages started off sweet and worried, asking him when he'll be home, to, at the very least just let them know he's safe and that they miss him.

Then she started begging Marc to come home, their baby girl had passed out a d the doctor said it was from forgetting to eat.

That was the first and last time, for both her daughter and herself. Her baby girl now set timers to remember to eat and that message was the last time she begged Marc to come home.

He didn't care enough to come home, or he didn't care enough to listen. She didn't know which outcome was Marc's issue.

It didn't matter. He'd spectacularly burned that bridge.

At this point in time, it was more a matter of pride. She wanted to find Marc to drag answers out of that dick. And if he didn't have a good reason, even if he did, he would be toast. His answer would determine the level of burning she would do, if her daughter didn't do it first.

She could be quite vindictive when she felt it was necessary.

Layla was relieved when her baby came home from the sanctum one weekend with a massive smile on her face and an apology for worrying her mother on her lips. They had two long girls' day and spent those next two nights together.

Layla never asked what made her little treasure so happy. Too relieved that she had a better part of her daughter back.

Oh, her little girl was still sad, but not nearly to the extreme she was prior. Maybe she finally found a boyfriend at school or maybe she got a new friend. Layla had seen her little treasure wearing a small, thin red and gold bracelet with a small sapphire gem braided in as the master piece.

Layla hoped it was from a friend and not a lover. She didn't want to see her little girl that broken ever again.

If her father could cripple her, what would a lover do?

So Layla was relieved to see her daughter back on the swings, not as often as she had before, but it was enough.

So with one more thing settled, she could focus more on Marc.

And she was livid.

Harshly typing away on her keyboard, creating a long series of codes, a net of numbers.

Layla doesn't plan to leave anything to chance, all she needs is for Marc to pick up his phone one time. Even if he doesn't, this baby right here will slowly get closer each ring. A bit like the game Marco Polo treasure always made Marc play.

One way or another, she will get what she wants.

Fuck Marc's flightiness. She'll chase him to the end of the world if she has too. He owes them an explanation at the very least.

It's why she called her daughter back, in case they would have to go at a moments notice.

"Mama?"

With a few more key strokes Layla finishes and shouts over her shoulder, "In here, baby girl!"

There's a bit of shuffling before little treasure enters, "Could you hand me my cell, sweetheart?"

"Sure"

It takes no more than a moment, and with her daughters eyes following her, she connects her phone to her computer to start the download.

It's silent, and Layla can feel the slight tension in the air.

Really, it's at times like these that her little girl reminds her of Marc.

Letting out a sigh Layla relents, "I've almost got him."

She watches as her daughter perks up, "Really?!"

Layla can't help the mixed feelings forming in the pit of her stomach. For one thing she's delighted her daughter can smile like that again, for another Layla wishes it was she who could light up her daughters face. Though she can't really blame little treasure since she herself was a daddy's girl to begin with. "Really, Really." She quotes, earning a happy giggle from her girl, "Now why don't you get packing, we leave as soon as I can get a trace on the man."

She watches as her daughter freezes and turns back towards her and in a voice so quiet asks, "You mean, I can come with you?"

It's the unspoken 'this time' hanging in the air that makes Layla pause and look, really look at her daughter. The subtle hope hidden in her eyes that forces Layla to remember all the times her... their daughter asked if she could come. How she only asked once each time, never more, only once.

How?

How had Layla and Marc not noticed?

"Of course you're coming, -" her daughter's squeals of happiness and excitement cut Layla off. She watched as her little one ran off on quick, but surprisingly quiet feet. Layla would have smiled and shook her head, but not this time.

This time she just silently observed their little girl zooming to and fro, leaping over any obstacles. ...When was the last time her daughter was this excited? This free?

Pursing her lips, she nodded to herself.

Marc was in deep shit once she got a hold of him.

— — —

AN: sorry for the late update. Just finished this chapter. Wattpad deleted 2 chapters this one was included (nearly shit myself in rage luckily it was only deleted on the app and I saved it from the website? Have no clue how that worked, I'm just so glad it did) also got sick... still sick but what ever.

I'm actually really happy Layla stole the rains for this one, really mama bear surprised me and I think it helps explain why Layla was so pissed at Marc. Before it felt more like she wanted to find Marc for her bruised pride and wanting answers (at least for me)

Gotta do some research on the story plots (haven’t seen the whole thing and don’t want to follow word for word so bullet points! … I thought I was done with research 😫)

Thanks for reading! ☺️

[stars-in-a-jam-jar]

You ever think about how fucked up it is that children in military families are surrounded by messages that their parents and other close relatives are Heroes who are In Danger Protecting Them whenever they leave home? Like. I only have the experience of it you get from living in Texas where it also kinda fuses and intersects with and reinforces the evangelism in a lot of ways, but I can't imagine pro-military tactics are much different in other places. If service isn't compulsory, the main way you draw people in is with the promise of being Cool Noble Heroes Protecting The Country when in reality their lives and bodies and personal goals are just being exploited for the aims of whoever happens to be in charge of this grander landmass.

And while I've seen people talk about how that whole paradigm is Bad For Global Society (because it is) and preys on the poor and otherwise disenfranchised/marginalized (because it does) I don't think I've seen anyone directly point out how it will fuck a kid up to be told 'Your parent/older sibling/otherwise close one is a big cool tough hero who goes into dangerous situations willing to sacrifice anything, specifically their own life, to keep you and the countless strangers in the nation Safe.' over and over and over again in countless insidious ways.

Like, imagine you are 5 years old and it's normal to you for your Mom not to be home, because she's been on and off deployed or multiple towns over on drill or doing other vaguely defined military shit on-base since before you were born. The main outfit you can imagine her in is camouflage, with your last name and various other incomprehensible words and symbols velcroed in various places on it. You like her shiny silver necklace with the square charms that go clink-clink, and you ask someone older than you if you can have one, and you're told 'Oh, no, you get that when you're a soldier.' 'But why can't I have one now?' and they now have the choice to either leave you frustrated that you are being left out of the loop on your mom's necklace, or they tell you 'Those are dog tags. They're used to identify a soldier in case they die. You don't need them.' If they're detailed, they add, 'You can't always identify a body depending on the way they die.' And as years go on people mince words less and less and you're taught sometime in middle or high school that dog tags as a practice started during the civil war amongst soldiers when they realized they didn't know who to send some of the corpses home to.

Imagine you're 7, and at school you're given one of those 'What job does your parent have?' worksheets that are meant to teach kids how to write comprehensible statements. Your Mom is a mechanic, and you know a lot of what the things in her toolbox are for. You feel very smart for being able to identify different models of car and knowing that cars don't just have engines, but batteries and cooling systems. Your Dad hasn't been home more than a week for the past two months. All you know is what the TV and other military kids say about what being in the army is like. You write down what you've heard. Your dad has a very important job. He protects everybody from danger and knows how to use a gun. He 'puts his life on the line'. A phrase you have heard so many times, it has ceased to mean anything. If it ever really meant anything to you when you first heard it. Whenever that was.

Imagine you're 11, and your older sibling gets home from their first deployment. They're a little jet lagged, and they almost don't recognize you because you grew out your hair some while they were gone and grew out of half your clothes. They give you a big hug and your parents say welcome home and you completely forget how just last month you were playing out in your head a situation where you got a call saying they weren't coming home and strategizing your whole life for a night around them not being there, because for all you know, that could happen anytime. Any day. Whenever they are not in your sight, they could be in danger. But of course you don't need to worry. They're home now, they'll be in danger again later, and right now, they brought you souvenirs for your birthday they missed.

And they do it for you. They do it because they're heroes. They do it because they're brave and the best and amazing. They do it because everybody needs them. Everybody, not just you. Your family doesn't belong to you, your family belongs to the country. The first people who you ever had the chance to be important to, who ever had the chance to be important to you, could disappear from your life and you wouldn't know it until the call came through from wherever they'd been disappeared off to.

Like, maybe it's bad to tell children that's Good Actually.

[faulix]

Mhm! I am also rooting for Meteor Impact to get animated bc G O D, but right now the signs are not pointing towards that one right now. Tbh Meteor Impact would be a good one to end on. And yeah, Marionette was in the original anime, but so was Rocket Start. And they also animated a part of RS (conversation between Wataru and Natsume) in the Element anime which is why I was (and still am tbh) leaning to Rocket Start potentially not getting animated. BUT I MUST BELIEVE.

Their climax story is literally an apology for sidelining Trickstar as protagonists so much in !! era, so they could start fixing that problem with RS anime and event ^_^

And yeah they absolutely get a bit sidelined and overshadowed by other units, though sometimes they do give them the favorite child treatment, emphasis on SOMETIMES. Xday, their climax story, for example was AMAZING especially when compared to other unit climax stories. But the rest of !! Trickstar? Ayayaya man... they fell off. Their entire problem throughout the !! era is about how much they fell off, how they're broke and how much ES hates them bc of their troublemaker reputation. They did basically nothing with that at all except for in their climax story (I mean Satellite is also like that but sssshh) where they teases that Trickstar's next arc is gonna be about them once again rebelling and potentially going independent! So I'm excited to see where they're headed in the future and what the actual arc is going to be like.

So imagine getting hit in the face by potential new idols. Goodbye😭

I didn't want new idols in the first place because it'll fuck with the rotation and HappyEle already does pretty poorly with balancing their characters already with focus and such.

But if these new idols end up taking up all the focus again when it looked like Xday was trying to lead to Trickstar making a comeback as the true protagonists, it just makes me sad. I'll stay hopeful until we got more info though, but it's looking bleak out here. Especially the rotation is looking bleak if these new characters are actually playable idols oml.

It really feels like it's gonna be like "hey so Subaru is our posterboy, but do we actually have any plans for him?"

"We do, but we're not gonna do any of that. He'll just stay our posterboy"

Like dude the papahoshi storyline is found dead in Miami, god help me out of here. First they tease he might be alive in Sanctuary which is like 2.5 years ago and then Xday was about gifting Subaru the gift of seeing his dad again through an old video showcasing what papahoshi was like as a dad and now... I can see myself waiting another 5 years. But that's typical for enstars. It's not like papahoshi is the whole reason anything happens here anyways. Not at all. Why would he. And why would his son be important to anything in the plot. Protagonist? No. Just my househusband.

possible rocket start anime announcement 🤝 possible meteor impact anime announcement

one of my friends passing out instantly at the announcement

ok i have not been keeping up with enstars at all but god the rotation would be so fucked. i like that they got some good content in their climax though!!!! honestly it does suck that the revolutionary group got sidelined a lot in !! and now we need !!! for more. and now we have a new idol group for it as well. the story is gonna take 8 years for 1 normal year at this rate

i had no idea any of this was happening. subaru's dad. i genuinely forget about him half the time because no development ever comes from it (that i've seen it's been a while) but do not worry. we have your new househusband/crush to draw more lore from. and another idol group. god help us

[royaletiquette]

5 Pieces of Fiction Media that Influenced You as a Writer and Why? I don't consume enough fiction to be able to do this so I gotta broaden the scope

I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream by Harlan Ellison Most of the time, the only fiction I enjoyed in school was sci-fi. It's the only thing that remains with me today at least. Harlan Ellison is such a jackass and boy does that show through I Have No Mouth and everything surrounding it: his interviews, the computer game, the guide he wrote to the game that's really just a book version of the short story. Ted is like peak Hibiya in the way that if the reader is blind enough to believe that he's telling the truth, then they aren't getting any of the story. And I just love honestly how angry that story is without being... too whiny? I wouldn't say there's anything subtle about it, but it keeps drawing you forward for sure. Also just how Harlan writes I can relate to a lot. Which is a big one.

The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch (painting) I'm not one for art. I just. It's nice. Cool whatever wow I'm so impressed. So seeing this in Madrid I think, after having to go to a billion other art museums and being really tired of it, stumbling on this as a final room to poke our head into is such a pleasant memory I have. Going from feeling very whelmed with my mother, and we're suddenly both like. Man what the fuck am I looking at. I wrote multiple songs about this piece. I bought miniatures inspired by this piece. I would gladly get it tattooed on me when I decide what and where and by whom.

It's such a great level of absurdity that isn't offensive in a jarring "make you think" bullshit way. Maybe it's because when I think of absurdity, I think of films from the 20's. But this painting has more of a through line so like, it still makes sense. So I don't know, something about it gives me a lot of muse.

Dead Kennedies (band) This might be one that also mainly inspires me more as a song writer than an rp'er. But it's again Jello Biafra playing with the skewed perspective of the author, which is apparently how I get my rocks off. You're supposed to hate him. He dawns this mask of a rich prep, or politician, or people you hate but really with a second of introspection you realize that's also you, and he just says the quiet stuff loudly. And musically Dead Kennedies is just fucking spooky with their bassline. So it really inspires keeping that core motivation for Hibi as me, and bringing forward those quiet parts of them that ruin the illusion sometimes.

Fantasia (movie) I can't pick between Gershwin, Tchaikovsky, and Stravinsky, so fuck it. Fantasia is what introduced me to them and that's what matters. I will always love and be inspired by Fantasia/Fantasia 2000. Everyone's got a Disney movie, and that's mine. I can't listen to Rhapsody in Blue without picturing it, or Rite of Spring without seeing the ballet. It just. Fucks me up the way you want classical music to. With writing though, it's the meaning and inspiration behind those pieces and composers that inspire me. They all ride such big waves and are so contrarian to what's expected from them in the music hall. There's just no way I don't also see Hibi falling in love with them and digging that "I'll do what you want, but under my own rules."

Historical/Period dramas None specifically. Just the widest net I can cast here lol. But really, watching any really inspire me to come up with new plots and different ways people around Hibi would act. Which is something I really struggle with, so it's an amazing resource, you know, human history. But it's also like, a really fun lens to put on your muse, and think about them through the eras. Personally, it helps develop them more, and understand the things in their life that make them unique and how they would change if those little things didn't happen. I'm also just such a slut for Titanic.

tagged by @mannequinentity and @distopea♥

[stephaniebrownslover]

Annual Duck Competitions With Pastas And Tons Of Other Shit[Crack]—Part 4

Anas means duck in Latin.

Guys please give some reaction and tell me my mistakes and your opinions!

Also sorry if this chapter is bad but I'm ill.

There was silence in the atmosphere for a while. This was more reminiscent of the calm before the storm than a peaceful silence. 

As a matter of fact, that's what happened with Cody's intervention.

“Right. This is the worst thing I've ever heard."

Clockwork, with a rather serious expression, placed her left hand, which didn't has a wand around her waist.

"And your face is the worst thing I've ever heard."

"How dare you!"

Hoodie didn't even deign to break his calmness as Cody stood up angrily. This was a situation that he was very used to.

“Really? Is that the only thing you notice here?"

"Oh, you're right. Thanks, Hoot-Hoot."

Hoodie grimaced from under his mask at the nickname he heard, he really hated this stupid boy. And just when he thought he couldn't do anything even more stupid, Cody misled him once again.

"How dare you call me ugly just because you've heard some bullshit and not even bother to look at my face!"

"I give up."

Hoodie slightly scraped up the cloth face mask. He put his hand in his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes, not caring that they were in an enclosed space. He first offered the package to Masky, then he himself took a branch of cigarette and placed it back in his pocket.

Clockwork knew that the inside would be covered by smoke, but she did not want to further distract the matter, which was already too drifted away.

“Fine. Before we get back, does anyone want me to explain why Cody's face is ugly?"

Or did she want to?

Of course, she was not surprised when she saw that no hands were raised from among the crowd.

"Good."

With a long stick in her hand, she pointed to Cody, who was sitting among the audience, crossed his arms around each other.

"When we look at Cody's face shapes, we see a unicorn vomited on it."

Cody just yell when he heard what was being said to him, he had learned by experience how passionate Toby's girlfriend was about arguments.

"Hey!"

And Jeff shouted from somewhere backstage, towards to Clockwork.

"And that unicorn is also a troll!"

"Yes!"

After hearing this, Toby muttered with using a tone of voice that only people sitting next to him could hear.

"I think we sho-uld bre-ak up."

"What, no! You guys are so cute together!"

When Nina suddenly shouted, Clockwork was very curious about what was going on. She certainly didn't like the fact that she wasn't in control of the situation.

"Hey, you two! What the fuck is going on there?!"

Nina got up from her seat and went near to Toby while she was talking., who was sitting at the back.

"Tobes and I were planning your birthday party, nothing important!"

Just as Toby opened his mouth to speak, Nina pressed her hand hard against his mouth.

"I said, mmphf-"

Clockwork raised one eyebrow in the air and posed the best question that could be asked in response to the strange sight in front of her.

"Why are you holding Toby's mouth?"

"Uh, because- Because he's hungry! I let him chew my hand until dinner!"

Toby slackened wearily under Nina's grip; he showed no further resistance. Instead he licked Nina's palm to help his silent rebellion.

"Um, okay."

Nina calmly made a sign to Cody to get up from his seat. Cody, who understood the signal instantly, got up and sat down in the vacant chair next to Jane.

"You're doing great, honey, keep talking!"

Nina and Toby were also sitting down; Nina's hand was still over Toby's mouth.

Clockwork pointed again with the stick in her hand to the heart-shaped Masky drawing she made just before their presentation.

"Jeff, put the love-boy-Masky-paper away."

"You can also buy it in auction later!"

After Jeff took the drawing in his hand, instead of placing it on the edge, he grasped it together with both hands and raised it above his head.

"We're not doing an auction."

He pressed the drawing to his own chest as he took it down.

"That's why no one came."

"I'm leaving."

Clockwork, who was annoyed when she saw Helen get up, addressed him.

"I'd sit down if I were you, scumbag. I wouldn't want my baby face ruined."

Helen was clenching his fists while trying to control himself to stay calm.

"Take back your words."

"Make me."

Liu put his hand on Helen's shoulder. Looking into his eyes, he shook his head from side to side, gently squeezed her shoulder. 

When Helen sat down, Liu was the one who spoke this time.

"Brother, can you finish this meaningless presentation as soon as possible please? Unlike you, some of us have quite busy lives."

Clockwork gave a rather short answer to this question, as if it had been addressed to her.

"Shut up, nerd."

"No one can call my brother nerd except me!"

When Jeff shouted angrily this time, winds of chaos began to blow around.

"Enough!"

A figure in a blue mask standing up from the audience caused both of them to stop.

"Oh shit, Jack was here?"

Jeff was surprised to see the creature he described as his friend. He thought that hhe didn't have time for this kind of work. Moreover, Jeff had told Masky not to insist because he knew that he was uncomfortable with crowded environments.

Jack pointed to Jeff with one of his long, gray fingers.

"You, immediately cut this stupid behavior."

Then he turned his attention to Clockwork.

"And you'd better finish this damn presentation soon."

As he pointed at him again, Jeff was startled by the black gaps under his mask.

"Or your dumb friend will have a punch in his pumpkin like face."

Instead of making a deal, she preferred an option that would cause a fight again.

"Try me."

"With pleasure. But I have things to do."

Jack was watching Clockwork with a menacing expression. It could not be said that he saw the surroundings exactly. More like he could distinguish shapes, but that was enough for him.

Zero shouted in a high-pitched voice from among the small crowd.

"Hey, nobody can punch Clock other than me!"

Clockwork took a deep breath with boredom, tried to use a calm tone of voice.

"You can't punch me too, Zero."

Zero used an even louder tone of voice this time, her voice almost resembled a battle cry.

"No one can punch Clock without me!"

Sitting in the corners of the middle row, Sally covered her ears, annoyed by the loud noise she was constantly exposed to. She also knew that this would not do any good, but she would prefer it to be a little quieter.

"They are very noisy."

Ben nodded, making it clear that he agreed with her.

"I know, Sally, I know."

"They are like a big baby."

Ben couldn't take it anymore and squeezed Sally's cheek.

"God, why are you the only sane person in this manor?"

Sally was holding her hands to her ears on the one hand, and on the other she was trying to distance herself from Ben.

She really hated being treated like a little baby.

"Silence in the court!"

"Yes, what Jeff said!"

Thinking that they couldn't do a job when Jeff and Clockwork just keep shouted, Masky threw his finished cigarette on the floor of the house; then he put it out with the help of his shoe.

"Everyone, go back to your seats, now!"

After a few seconds, the peaceful atmosphere attached to the cotton thread had been restored.

“Right. I'll keep the presentation if this shit is over."

Clockwork spoke again, looking at Jeff.

"Where was I?"

"Lover-kid Masky."

Ignoring Jeff completely, she turned her gaze to the audience.

"Oh yes, why we chose the ducks."

Using a rather serious tone of voice, she directed a question to the crowd.

"Has anyone attacked by a duck before?"

She was really surprised to see that no one raised their hand. She pointed with the index finger of her left hand at the smiling Jeff.

"No? Just this idiot?"

Clockwork used her stick to gently press against Jeff's chest while the crowd kept their stunned gaze.

"You told me that everyone was attacked by ducks!"

Jeff took a few steps backward, moving himself away from the pointy end of the stick. 

"Because they supposed to!"

Clockwork took a step forward and addressed the crowd again.

"We'll pretend this question didn't happen. Anyways, we chose to race the ducks because they are the most aggressive animals in whole world."

"And they can hurt you so badly!"

She didn't even turn his face to her when Jeff shouted from behind.

"Yes, Jeff, they hurt very badly. But the thing is, ducks have spirit's of true warriors."

This is the second time Ann has spoken out since the presentation happened. She really thought very contrary to Clockwork in this regard, and she felt the need to state it.

"Ducks are weak."

"No, keep your mouth shut, Ann. Ducks are awesome and they can kick everyone's ass."

Jeff called out from behind again.

"And they're very cute."

"What, no! Ducks are warriors of the wild!"

Clockwork shouted using an extremely harsh tone of voice.

"They even worshipped ducks in ancient Egypt because of their strong nature."

Liu could put up with Clockwork's nonsense for his brother, but giving false information to society?

This was an absolutely unacceptable mistake.

"I have to intervene, but I think this information is just mixed with another common belief. Did you mean a cat I believe?"

"I know what I'm saying, library-head. Jeff and I discovered an ancient Egyptian cult, which worships ducks."

Liu couldn't find anything to talk about because he was in absolute shock. 

He didn't know exactly which part surprised him more, that there was a cult that worshipped ducks, or that these two people had revealed the existence of such secret cult?

Of course, they could also be lying.

"Yes, they were very weird! I think they tried to sacrifice me to their goddess."

Helen murmured to himself.

"Good Lord."

Clockwork was eager to continue her speech as she had finally managed to reach the main important place.

"Yes, yes. This is all unnecessary, shitty information."

"I was fuckin' dying!"

"Maybe I should have just allow it. Whatever. The main thing is, this cult is still keeping up to their activity. They think they survived with the help of their holy goddess Anas."

Clockwork took the pencil that was on the in front of the board and began to make a drawing to make what she was saying sit better in their minds.

"This duck has been living for thousands of years and protecting them. And we need permission from their goddess for duck races."

When she finally finished the drawing, what appeared on the board was a three-eyed duck clothed in a rather fancy way. In addition, she pulled out several arrows and wrote these things;

'She Can Talk'

'Quite clever'

'She can Fly'

'Can spray fire from her mouth'

The crowd was so surprised by this situation that they didn't know what to say.

This couldn't be real, could it?

These two idiots must have been drunk or something, or they were just lying since it was too absurd to be true.

Other parts

When Jeff shouted in an enthusiastic tone of voice, a few words had come out of his mouth caused everyone to be even more shocked.

"And I stole their duck goddesses!"

[aparticularbandit]

hi bandit, are you still doing the ‘send me a ship’ list meme? can i ask more than 1 question per ask?

if yes then please can i ask the folllwing question numbers for the wanda x agatha ship please…

3 .. 7 .. 8 .. 26 .. 44

thank you bandit!

send me a ship and a number and i'll tell you:

3) Are they open about their relationship? How do they feel about public displays of affection?

Define open. Post-Westview and the Hex, it feels very awkward for Wanda to be so public about being in a relationship with Agatha. Even in a world where those things didn't happen, Wanda's not the sort to be super public about those sorts of things or super into extremely blatant public displays of affection. We see this with Vision - not just due to the secretive nature of their relationship as detailed in Infinity War, but also in WandaVision - most of their displays of affection are in the privacy of their own home. Agatha, on the other hand. Agatha is definitely much more public displays of affection. She understands Wanda's particular concerns when it comes to not being open, but she wants to be able to kiss Wanda whenever she wants, to notice when her girlfriend is being particularly anxious and draw her down just enough to kiss her out of it, to cover her hands with her own and squeeze them as a physical reminder that she's there if Wanda needs her. Wanda likes the quiet moments of comfort. She's startled by Agatha kissing her so blatantly and desperately in public, and she doesn't ... hate it but ... definitely they have a discussion about what she's okay with in public and what she isn't.

7) What annoys them the most about their partner? Would they change it if they could?

See above. XD Okay, that's not the thing that bothers Wanda the most about Agatha, but it's definitely one of the things she doesn't like. The thing that annoys Wanda the most about Agatha is how Agatha not even in a derogatory way keeps bringing up how much Wanda does not know about magic. Like yes. Wanda understands that she doesn't know much at all, if anything. She acknowledges that. But it frustrates her that even while teaching her, Agatha will come across something she calls the basics that Wanda somehow still doesn't know and makes a comment like you really don't know anything and then proceeds to tell her what it is, which is great and all, but it's really fucking frustrating! She's not sure she would change it, because she knows Agatha doesn't mean anything by it, but like. There has to be a way to make Agatha understand that no. She does not know anything about magic. Nothing at all except what Agatha has taught her. Eventually, she'll quip back, If I don't know it at this point, that's your fault, but she hasn't gotten there yet. (Agatha will acknowledge it is her fault, and then she won't say it again. Wanda will feel bad. This will fix nothing.) Agatha dislikes Wanda's superiority complex. Which Wanda doesn't really have mostly but certainly does when it comes to Agatha. Like, sure, Wanda might have been corrupted by the Darkhold, but she didn't kill her mother and her entire coven. (And if you don't think Agatha had the Darkhold then, you still get hey, even when I couldn't control my powers, I didn't kill my loved ones like somehow that is better than accidentally blowing up a building or joining Hydra.) Wanda frequently has a tendency to see herself as morally superior to Agatha, and it really pisses Agatha off, and yes, she would definitely change that. She doesn't want Wanda to feel inferior, but she wants Wanda to see her as an equal. And Wanda doesn't. (Which is probably why she keeps bringing up how little Wanda knows about magic. It makes her feel like she has something over Wanda; it gives her something to remind Wanda that she isn't as perfect as she thinks she is. (Agatha is aware Wanda doesn't think that she's perfect and that this assumed moral superiority is just a defense mechanism. She's three hundred years old. She's seen this before. That doesn't mean she has to like it.))

8) What do they like best about their partner?

Wanda likes that Agatha isn't afraid of her (or her power), even when she's wary. Wanda likes that Agatha never holds the death of everyone around her against her, doesn't consider it (or her) a bad omen. Wanda likes that Agatha is human and flesh and blood and warm where Vision was metallic and oil and cold - so cold - likes that Agatha is flexible where Vision never was, likes that when she presses hard into Agatha's skin or sucks at her neck or bites her lip, she can leave marks to see later (bruises, hickeys, split lip). Wanda likes that Agatha isn't the only vulnerable one in their relationship and that Agatha isn't afraid of that vulnerability. Agatha likes that Wanda is willing to learn runes and incantations from her, even though strictly speaking she doesn't need any of them. She likes how frustrated Wanda gets when something doesn't come easily to her, how Wanda persists in learning the hard thing no matter how frustrated she gets. She likes how Wanda hasn't given up, after everything that has happened to her, after how the world has looked at her and twisted her and stolen from her, and yet Wanda is still here trying. She likes how persistent Wanda is. It makes her want to be better. (She will not be better.)

26) How do their friends feel about their relationship? Their families?

Well, both of their families are dead (as far as we know, unless they decided to throw Nicholas into things or bring Evanora or Pietro back, but we don't know that yet, so), which means I guess we can't really know how they feel! This is probably a plus. Pietro would probably be suspicious, and Evanora would not support her daughter dating the Scarlet Witch. Agatha's friends - the ones who are still alive anyway - would probably also be wary of her dating 1) the Scarlet Witch and also 2) the woman who locked her inside of her own mind for a while, literally forcing her to be tortured indefinitely. They will be suspicious that this is just another one of Wanda's spells, and then they'll be suspicious that, if it isn't, this is less a relationship and more Agatha making sure that Wanda likes her enough to not do that again. It will take a while for them to come around on Wanda, but it's not like Agatha particularly cares what they think. They'll all die soon anyway. She's outlived so many of her friends. So many. And the only one whose opinion she actually cherished is dead. So. Most of Wanda's friends in the Avengers are gone. Not necessarily dead, but gone. Sam seems to have forgotten that she exists, despite their training together, and everything she did in Westview tends to have distanced everyone from her. They haven't come to look for her, and if the events of DSMOM are canon here, they.... Well, she's certain they don't want to. It's likely that the ones who are left will look on her relationship with Agatha as just another indicator of how far she's fallen - if she'll date the woman who apparently tried to kill her before and who practices dark magic and was the previous holder of the Darkhold, then...well, that fits with how Wanda's track record seems to be going. They certainly don't approve, but that...isn't their Wanda anymore, and they're certain she wouldn't listen if they tried to help.

44) Are they comfortable with each other? Anything they have to have their privacy for?

I think they're as comfortable with each other as they can be, considering everything that's happened between them. They try to trust each other as much as they can, but they still keep their thoughts private. Agatha still keeps the basement to herself, warded as a protection so that if she needs a place to hide, she has one, and now that she's taught Wanda the same runes, Wanda has a place much the same for herself (likely in the attic, since Agatha took the basement). It isn't even that they're trying to hide anything, but that sometimes they need to know they can be free of each other if they can. It is impossible to forget what they have each done to each other - Agatha did try to kill Wanda, and Wanda did lock Agatha inside herself for an indefinite period of time - and those things don't just go away now that they're in a relationship with each other. Those wounds are still there. So, yeah, they're not entirely 100% comfortable with each other, and it'll probably be a long time before they get there, if they get there. That sounds unfortunate, but it's still true, and it comes up in arguments every now and again (which usually leads to Agatha conjuring a mattress in the basement and staying there while Wanda sleeps on the couch alone).

[motsimages]

This year I have been learning to meditate. And I finally got what it means and why it's done the way it's done.

I used to think the idea behind meditating was to not produce thoughts, to have a blank state for a while. I have briefly achieved that but generally, there are always thoughts. I used to think I wasn't good at meditating or that it didn't work for me because of this. Drawing did a better job at that than meditating.

My yoga teacher told us that research says that the brain thinks a thought every 3 seconds and so, it is virtually impossible for it not to think. With meditation, you hope to make the 3 seconds a bit longer, to maybe achieve 5 seconds instead, but the thoughts will keep coming.

However, the brain is an idiot. If you keep it busy, it will be thinking but there will be no thoughts. If you focus on breathing (a classic meditation technique), the brain is busy controlling the breathing and observing it, so busy that you don't have time to think about other things. It is a trick. And whenever a thought appears, you train to calmly and kindly put it aside.

Every meditation technique you can think of is basically this. Follow a scanner of your body, breathe a certain way, listen to white noise or relaxing mantras... all that requires you to focus intensely so that your brain is distracted and cannot think other thoughts. It may feel like you reached a blank state of no thoughts (always briefly), but what happens is that the brain is busy with something else.

This is also what mindfulness does. And what many sports do as well. Or drawing, writing or singing. Physical activity (and by this I mean anything that produces movement and focus, whether it's drawing mandalas or running a marathon) keeps the brain focused on the task at hand producing an effect of "blank state". Particularly if you choose to focus on it.

If you go out for a walk and observe the city around you, listen to the noises of your neighbourhood, smell whatever is there, that is if you pay attention to the walk, your brain is busy with that. And it is fucking hard. We usually do things thinking about other things. You don't do the dishes thinking of the temperature of the water, the feel of the glasses in your hand or the smell of soap. You do the dishes thinking of everything you have to do tomorrow or that conversation you had with a friend.

Sometimes I can't meditate. I am just too nervous or too unfocused. But I try to, at least briefly, focus on what I'm doing, observe how I type in the computer, the noises coming through the window, the feeling of my ass sitting in the chair, etc. I try to move, dance, stretch, do sports because that kind of coordination keeps the brain busy.

And when I can't because I'm anxious, because the world is too big, it doesn't matter. That too shall pass and I will meditate again another day.

[ilovehotnights]

so basically does anyone even fucking like me

time to whine time to shine time to rhyme. I love my brain because of the stuff that comes out of it, and I also hate it in equal measure for the very same reason. I always leave the hang or sign off the group chat and wonder if anyone even fucking likes me. My therapist says I'm codependent and I have toxic shame. But my life is honestly fab so idk where that even comes from, would like for it to crust up and fall off like a scab—revealing the true and awesome me that lies underneath. Is that my problem? That I believe that under the shit there lies a great, shiny person, a person who cannot be embraced until they can reach their true and beautiful potential? I'm so bored of the way I think. I just want it to go away and I can choose from a list of all quality traits that a person can have and live the rest of my life with those traits, rather than having to learn from that ones I have and evolve naturally. Can AI do that? My kids won't have toxic shame that I pass down to them because by the time I have my test-tube baby in 20 years I'll be able to choose for them to have no mental illness or hang ups and they will be smart and not have trouble focusing their energy into the things they care about, it will come so naturally to them. And there will be no toxic shame that talks them down for pursuing their passions on a daily basis. I know I am capable of change though for god sakes my whole life has changed in a year. Crazy is last year I didn't want a boyfriend and now I want one so fucking bad. That means I will have to wait another year to get one if the universe is doing what I think it's gonna do. Which again, it never does. Anyways, my ex has a girlfriend. Boooooo. Lame af. But hope they're happy and I mean it. I want to keep doing my thing though. As much as a boyfriend sounds nice, I'm not fully cooked yet. And tbh, when I have a BF I become so focused on what they think of me there is no room for me to pursue what I care about. What I care about is another topic that confounds me. When I think about what I want to be there is currently 2 camps. 1 is song writer. The other is writer. The other is singer songwriter.

Idk if this stuff is out of reach, I fear that it is and that's why I have never tried. I used to write poetry in HS and then I took a hiatus for 10 years to focus on being a codependent girlfriend and then slut for a few months. Being both of those things should have given me fuel artistically but my heads so far up my ass, and so deep in my instagram feed that I don't do anything creatively for pleasure now. I have been saying this for years. Part of me truly believes living with my parents and being alone for awhile will open me up artistically. I don't hope that I'm sad, but I hope that if I do get sad, instead of scrolling hinge while listening to tiktoks about how men are ruining the world, I could write a creative story or a poem or draw my cat doing something cute. Or plan a trip. And instead of listening to how all men suck I should go up to the guy I can't take my eyes off of at the grocery store instead of pretending I don't see him every time he looks up at me. I should probably also just have fun. and stop being so hard on my every move and others, because I think I want to have fun for awhile and. want to welcome that into my life more and want to welcome new kinds of people into my life.

Online dating is such a trap. It's a numbers game ad you have to participate to get dates. I am so tired. I just want to meet him inn real life. i would like a slow burn exciting fun amazing beautiful relationship with someone who is really inspiring to me.

But anyways, probs won't happen. I just DO NOT want to meet someone in Houston. I am not getting stuck there again. If I was to meet someone there he would have to be there impermanently and have plans to move somewhere badass after.

[manslaught]

mikayla shoots an irritated glance in her direction, because she wouldn't be here at all if mikayla was good enough support on her own. sometimes, she wonders if her presence makes it even worse for nat and travis, because she draws more attention from people, gets asked more questions, forcing them all to think back to the worst experience of their lives, even if most of it's directed at mikayla. not that tai would be aware of that, since she's not part of mikayla's life, doesn't have to deal with going out in public with her. “ yeah. maybe. ” she says instead of arguing the way she's tempted to, feeling too defeated to even try.

why would i? the question almost makes mikayla burst out laughing, though without humor, but she manages to control herself, just letting out a huff instead, because it should be obvious. because she killed again, because she didn't leave all of that behind her, because she forced them apart, because she ruined her life, making it impossible for tai to have a semi-normal life with her as a result. “ because i hurt people. ” she always has— it's not anything new, even if the media wants to pretend that it's a result of what happened out there, all because it sounds more interesting that way. “ that's all i'm good at. that's all i'm ever going to be good at. ” and maybe that was useful for tai when they were out there, because it meant mikayla would protect her, no hesitation, but back in civilization, all it does is draw negative attention, clearly. the offer to help clean her door causes her to roll her eyes, not at tai, but at the entire thing, because she's exhausted of it. “ there's no point. every time travis cleans it, someone writes something else within a fucking week. ” the handwriting seems to vary, too, which suggests it's different people doing it, though that's no surprise.

“ maybe i do deserve it. it's my fault it happened. ” mikayla knows tai's going to argue, the way any of her friends do when she even vaguely suggests that what happened with her father was her fault, but after years of thinking about it, that's the conclusion she's come up with: if she wasn't stupid enough to go home, if she wasn't dumb enough to believe she could chance another few weeks with him while she tried to get enough money to leave, she wouldn't have had to kill him. he wouldn't have exploded on her, wouldn't have forced her to defend herself, to keep hitting him until he stopped. being on the streets would have been the better option, the smarter option, but she wanted to have actual shelter again so badly that she risked it. that's her fault, not his.

she scowls, feeling like tai's lying, because she knows she went to shauna's wedding— which means mikayla's the only person she cut out entirely, but she doesn't even want to get into that, so she holds back, just rolling her eyes. “ then why are you still here? if you wanted to let me go, you should just leave. this isn't helping either of us. ” she lets out a shaky sigh, turning further away. “ you were right. you're better off without me. ” that doesn't mean she wants her to leave, even if she does actually believe tai's better without her; that's why she never sought her out, not selfish enough to ruin everything for her if she did.

“ so you just wanted to be nothing instead, ” she says dryly, unable to believe that tai still wanted to be with her, so that's the only conclusion she has left to make. “ after everything, you were just— done with me that quickly. ” she clenches her jaw tight, to the point where it almost hurts, tempted to just get up and leave, make some excuse about wanting to check on nat, so she could break down away from her. but she's had enough practice holding herself together, because she couldn't let herself break down in front of everyone in prison, so she just takes a deep breath, hand moving to rub at her eyebrow, frustrated. “ i'm just that fucking easy to leave. ” to forget about. her mom did it, then her dad while she was missing, and then tai immediately after.

a part of mikayla does understand what tai's saying, but she's just not sure how it was even possible for her, because while she gets wanting to go back to her plans, she doesn't understand why she couldn't be a part of that— especially when she couldn't even physically be in the way, stuck behind bars instead. “ okay, so— what now? what the fuck do you want from me? ” she said she doesn't think it's possible for them to be just friends, so mikayla's not sure what that leaves for them— too convinced tai's already moved on, that she might have even found someone, to consider that she might want to try again. “ you say you don't want this to be the last time you see me, but you had to just drop me to move on, so— what? ”

 ❝  you’re not,  ❞    she says instantly,   shaking her head.   she could always tell—   even when nat wasn’t saying mikayla’s name,   tai knew she was there.   she knew she was helping her.   tai doesn’t think she could trust it if nat was only relying on travis,  because she doesn't trust him,   but she trusts mikayla.   she trusts her with nat,  with her—  even if it’s been years since she’s been able to rely on her support.   ❝  i can tell she’s glad to have you as a friend.   i always could,  ❞   she says,  remembering how she paid attention to them before the crash,  how their friendship always seemed out of place,   but she came to understand it in the wilderness,  and she was glad they both had that.   she still is,  even if it felt so dangerously close to something tai was afraid of breaching. 

she lets out a breath of relief to hear that mikayla missed her,  too—  because if this had been one sided,  it would have killed her,  even if she deserves that hurt.  she doesn’t even realize it’s happening,   but a small smile just barely tugs at the corner of her lips,   because they’re on the same page about something.   they missed each other,  and that only leaves room for more hurt,  really,   but at least they’re getting somewhere.   

her eyes remain on hers even as mikayla looks away,   her own brows furrowing in confusion as she starts to explain.   she knows not everyone hates her—  clearly,  nat and travis still trust her.   and tai has had conversations with other survivors,  too—  she knows that no one blames mikayla for what she did,   they don’t even seem to resent her for how it’s dragged them all through the media even harder than they already were.   tai never resented her for it,  because she knew enough to understand why it happened,  even though she doesn’t have all the details   (  details she should have gotten from mikayla long ago,  because she should have been her person to confide in.   )   

❝  i never hated you,   ❞    she says again,   taking a deep breath and shaking her head.   ❝  no.  i would never.  i—  why would i?   because of what you did?   what you had to do?   mikayla,  i was terrified,  but not of you.   for you,  ❞    she says,   but she hears it,  too—  how ridiculous it sounds,  how ironic it is for tai to declare something like that when she didn’t dare be there for her.   ❝  i’m  .  .  .    sorry i made you feel that way.   i’m sorry about everyone else,  too.   i—   i can help you clean those words on your door,  if you want,  ❞    she says,  her words coming out anxiously as she realizes just how heavy this is for mikayla.   ❝  those people are wrong.  all of them—  they’re just so fucking desperate to make what happened to us into some kind of trauma porn to get them off.   you don’t deserve to be treated like that,  ❞    she insists,   hoping she knew that,  anyway—  but it doesn’t sound like she did,  and that’s what’s messing with tai’s head the most.

she frowns as she brings up nat,  because maybe she knew it was always inevitable—  and it’s not like she hasn’t questioned it herself.  she takes a deep breath,  hesitating for a moment as she tries to think  of a way to put it into words,   how to process it both for herself and to help mikayla understand,  too.   ❝  it’s not that i,  you know,  cared about her more,  or something,   it’s nothing like that.   and it’s definitely not because i didn’t care about you.   i did— i do.   it was just different.  i don’t know.  i felt like i had to keep a distance from everyone.   her,  too.  i don’t even think she thinks of me as her friend.   ❞    which is her way of saying she doesn’t think of nat as her friend,  even though she is,  but she’s tried so hard not to get emotionally tied to any of them,  even though she is.  ❝  and there’s no holding back with you,  ❞    she says simply,  closing her eyes because she knows how ridiculous it all sounds,  but she knew there was no way to keep mikayla at a distance yet still be there for her.   and it was selfish,  it wasn’t fair to mikayla,  it wasn’t fair to herself,  either.   ❝  i know none of that makes sense.   i just didn’t know.   i didn’t know how to move on from everything that happened to us if i didn’t let it all go,  ❞   she says,  the stress evident in her tone,  because it didn’t make sense to her then and it still doesn’t.   ❝  i’m not saying i was right for any of it.   i wasn’t,  ❞    she admits,  and that’s probably the first time she’s really admitted that to herself,  too.  sitting in front of mikayla now,  it’s easier to face her mistakes.  

she gulps,  nodding her head slowly when mikayla says she wanted to hate her.   ❝  i wouldn’t have blamed you if you did,  ❞    she says quietly,   and maybe that would have made things easier.   maybe she should have hated her,  maybe that would at least give tai real reason to walk away now,  but she still doesn’t want to��� and she doesn’t want mikayla to want her to go,  either.   she wants to stay right here for as long as possible,   because she’s never felt mikayla’s absence in her life more than she does now that she’s seen her again,  and she doesn’t know how to walk away from her.  

she frowns,  because the way she frames the question hurts even harder than tai expected it to,  because she knew it was coming.    ❝  i don’t know,  ❞    she says quietly,  and she does notice the tear that falls from mikayla,  and it brings another from her,  because maybe this is what she was terrified of all along—  to see how bad mikayla was doing,   to have to accept that she could never truly help her the way mikayla always helped her out there.   ❝  i don’t know,  ❞   she repeats again,  shaking her head quickly as she turns her body more towards her again.   ❝  i— never wanted to just be your friend.   i don’t even  .  .  .   i don’t think we could ever do that,  ❞     she admits,  letting out a scoff.  

❝  i was just so fucking lost after we came back home.   and i didn’t think i could be that girl you loved anymore.  ❞    it feels like there’s some kind of accusation in her words,   and she clears her throat,  because that’s not what she means.   ❝  i thought i had to go back.   back to what i was before it all,  back to the life i was trying to make for myself.  it was fucking selfish.  i always knew it was selfish—  and i fucking did it anyway.  ❞    she brings her hand back up to her face,  dragging it down and shaking her head.   ❝  i wanted—  i should have been there for you, ❞   she quickly corrects herself.   she should have told her any of it at all, and it’s a failure she finally has to face.   ❝  i’m sorry.   i’m sorry.   i wish i could explain it to you in a way that makes sense,   but i know nothing does.   i’m sorry if i’m making it worse—  but that’s not how it works thought of you,  kay.  you weren’t dead to me.   you haven’t left my mind.  i was just—  ❞    she pauses,  brows furrowing as she thinks it over for a moment.   ❝  — a fucking coward for not being there. ❞