#fuck everyone who's ever done this to someone else's work honestly I don't care if this hurts people's feelings you should feel bad

[prouvaireafterdark]

Can we talk about how fucked up it is that writers even have to ask people not to put their work into an AI?

Like what the actual fuck is wrong with some people that they think they're entitled to steal someone else's work and then ask an AI to finish it

I don't care if your favorite fic author hasn't updated in two weeks or ten years. Those fics aren't yours and you are NOT entitled to steal them and run them through a bullshit generator

[evasive-anon]

Jason Attacking Tim at Titans Tower

Fanon vs Canon

We've all seen the versions in fanfiction but I'm not so sure everyone's seen the original so if you're one of those batfam fans who doesn't want to read the comics (regardless of reasons) but you are curious about how it actually went this is for you.

What I'm addressing:

What does Jason actually say to Tim during the attack?

Did Jason drug all the other Titans?

Did Jason really wear a Robin costume?

Did Jason slit Tim's throat or call him replacement?

Did Jason actually break Tim's bo staff?

Was Tim crying or scared?

Did Jason write a message on the wall in Tim's blood?

Did Jason's eyes glow green?/Did he follow pit rage mechanics?

Panels and details below. This is a LONG one.

What did Jason actually say to Tim during the attack?

Dialogue in fanfiction during the Titans Tower attack varies based on what kind of fic you're reading but usually its either 'time to clip Replacement's wings' if its staying a beatdown whump 'or oh no precious lil bby why is no one watching you' if its an accidental child acquisition. Not judging either option, but this ain't about them its about the real shit.

Look at these opening lines:

Hey, Tim. I was here first.You're the Red Hood. You've been cleaning up Gotham the easy way. Easy? What do you know about easy, Tim? You had a father that looked after you. You went to a private school, right? You slept in a bed. I slept on the streets, I lived in the alleyways in Gotham. Trying to survive. Until Bruce took me in. I trained as hard as I could. I did whatever he asked. . . at least at first. But it didn't matter. They said I wasn't tough enough to be robin. But today, they say you are. Show me, Tim. Show me what you have that I didn't.

Jason really puts himself out there in all of his dialogue in this encounter, the struggle of having to fight for anything and everything he got in life, even the things that came to everyone else for free, and then being told he wasn't even good enough for the things he fought for.

There's a trope in fanfics that if Jason knew Tim stalked Batman and forced his way into being Robin that it would change how Jason felt about the situation but that's even addressed in this comic:

You were a kid, worried about how Batman was spiraling down into darkness. You spent weeks tracking the dark knight. Solving a mystery no one else could. You discovered who he was behind that mask. Millionaire Bruce Wayne. You were so pleased with yourself, I'm sure that you forgot who you were really dealing with. I know Bruce Wayne. And let me tell you, Tim if someone was trying to find out who Batman really was. If someone was stalking him for weeks. He'd know about it. You can't be that good. I am. He let you find him. And I bet he said the same thing to you as he did to me, didn't he? That you had a talent to make a difference in Gotham. That he needed someone he could trust in war on crime. That you were one of a kind. The light to his darkness. Robin, the Boy Wonder.

Tim saying 'I am' is really such a moment that doesn't come through in text because he is right that he really did do that but I also completely understand why Jason wouldn't believe it.

TBH my favorite part is how done Tim honestly sounds with Jason thoughout all his trauma dumping. Like imagine a grown man who used to work the same part time job as you breaking into your house, dressing up in your work uniform, ranting about how much the job ruined his life while he beats your ass??? God, and he probably had to write a fucking report about it after. RIP Timmy.

What do you want? Do you want to be Robin again? Is that it? You... want to take it away from me? Why in the hell would I ever want that? Don't you get it? When I died no one cared! No one remembered me. Are you completely insane? No one could forget you. I've spent my entire career wearing this mask under your shadow. I had to convince Batman to let me try this. All because he'll never stop blaming himself for what happened to you. You ask me, that's the only reason he hasn't taken you down. He's holding back. But me? No freakin' way. That's the Robin I wanted to see. Still. You do realize the whole idea of training a teenager to fight against something he'll never eradicate is a mistake. It didn't even surprise anyone when I died. When I failed. I failed-- but I'm still beating you. Do you think you're that good now?! Do you really, Tim? Yes.

Tim bashing Jason across the face as he says 'no freakin' way'? *chefs kiss*

Jason drugging the other Titans to knock them out?

Little bit true, Kory was actually just already away from the tower and BB and Cyborg were about to bounce because of the drama going on with Donna's return but Jason like super tazes them and then drugs Raven who he thought already went through enough shit without him knocking her out violently.

Note: Jason says in the text here that he never rolled with Cyborg or BB but like he actually did in some comics so?? The continuity is lie I guess idk.

Did he show up in Red Hood gear or a Robin costume?

Both tbh but he spent most of the time in the Robin costume but bro actually made a stripper rip away version of his Red Hood gear so he could dramatically reveal the Robin costume underneath. I can't believe no one ever includes that in their fics its so fucking funny.

Does he call Tim 'replacement' or slit his throat?

No, this came from a Batman comic with Hush not Teen Titans. That incident takes place in a graveyard not Titans Tower and he calls Tim pretender not replacement.

Does Jason break Tim's staff?

Tragically, no. The bo staff snap would have been iconic. Instead he just takes Tim's staff and beats Tim up with it and breaks stuff. BUT!! He uses it to bust a statue in the TITANS MEMORIAL ROOM which is a place in Titans Tower just for having statues of dead previous titans and Jason is rightfully pissed he didn't get one. Like Tim is correct in saying no one forgot him still but like I would be hurt too if all my friends made cool statues of friends that died and then just left my zombie ass out, like wtf.

Note: I am seriously losing my shit that I have never seen someone bring up the memorial room in a fanfic. That is so much angst material. 😭

Tim crying/ being scared?

Hell no. He's a fucking Robin you know he's being a sassy boy the whole time, even towards the end when he's about done he's still saying he's her and I love Tim for that.

Note: There are a few different times where Tim does a flippy Robin move and then Jason just fucking copies it like flexing that he can do it too, and its just so petty and stupid he's trying so hard to be better than an actual child. 💀I get why in the context of the situation but its still so ridiculous.

Message on the wall in Tim's blood?

TBH I really don't know for sure on this one?? Like its implied that he did but Tim isn't bleeding all that much throughout this beatdown and like we don't see Jason do it just the Titans reacting to seeing it after. It could be Tim's blood, it could be red paint, and it could even be that Jason packed an actual bucket of blood to bring with him to write a message with after he finished. TBH the world is your oyster on this one.

Note: If anyone can find another comic where this event was brought up where they actually clarify it was Tim's blood hmu and I'll update this but I couldn't find any.

Pit rage/ glowing green eyes?

Fanon only at this point in the comics. Jason is seems to be himself and even thinks Tim and his friends are pretty cool at the end, and he's just like reflecting on if he had good friends if he would have turned out better as he leaves.

[maximumkillshot]

I Got You

Warnings: Mentions of Self-Harm, Cutting and the Like, some mentions of blood, Fluff, Protective boys honestly

Pairing: Changbin x Reader

Characters: Changbin, BangChan, Felix, OC Manager,

A/N: It's a comfort piece for @orchid-mantis-petals and everyone else struggling... You are a warrior... Don't forget it.

‘This is bullshit!” You scream as you walk into the dorm. Slightly startling the inhabitants. 

Changbin rounds the corner to the living room where you just plopped, with creatine in hand, “You know hobbies are supposed to have the opposite effect on you, right, Jagi?” He knows you love doing your hobby. As much as you despise your job, if anything helps you, it's going out and indulging yourself. 

This was your only off day in the last two months. As much as you hate it, you need to be an adult, your words, not his. Your boyfriend and his friends know that he has offered thousands of times just to quit so that you can find a healthier job for you mentally, he’d take care of you. You just looked at him and said, “Yeah, no. I need to do things on my own, Binnie.” But this is what he was talking about. 

He put the supplement away and said, “Do you want to talk about it or give me an address so that I can put my muscles to good use?” as he sat, dragging you to his lap, “Because as much as I say I do it for the look, I do it to protect you. And someone hurt my Jagi so… You tell me who I need to beat up.”

You chuckled as you said, “They did it again…” 

Bin took a big breath and hissed out, “When you say ‘it’ you don’t mean scheduling you for a shift without telling you… right?”Then he took a breath and said, “Because if they did that then I… I am going to need addresses Jagi.”

Chan heard the big entrance and walked in from the bathroom, one look at Bin and he said, “Oh no.. okay how bad. On a scale of 1-10.” You could see that he just got out of the shower, some beads of water still clinging to his shoulders, sweatpants neatly tied on his hips.

Bin just looked at him and said, “They did it again…”

Chan’s face soured, “Oh ok so 11. Y/N. We talked about this.” he said as he crossed his arms. 

You see, this is a very common occurrence at your job. For some reason, they give you no notice and expect you to telepathically understand that you need to come in on your weekend. This pissed everyone off especially…

There’s a knock at the door and Felix just walks in… he takes one look at his Hyungs and he knows, especially with the frustrated tears that are now rolling down your cheeks. “What’s going on? What happened?”

He dropped the brownies he just baked in the kitchen and came back in. Bin wiped some of your tears away as he said, “They did it again.”

Felix is usually the nicest person in a room. His face however reflected nothing but disdain, “A day off is a day off…. How hard is it for them to get???” He wiped his forehead, trying to flatten the scowl he had on his face. 

“Guys it’s okay.” You said, knowing that all they are going to do is worry about you more.

Felix looked at you and said, “Actually not it isn’t, Cinnamon Roll. It’s not fucking okay. Not when you work so hard for so long that you can barely get out of bed… That is not okay.”

Chan said, “Okay screw this nooope.” He went into Bin’s room then his own and then his own. He emerged with his hoodie on and he threw the keys at Bin. “You are not going through this anymore, Angel. We told you. Naur.”

You looked and said, “Guys.”

Bin gently said, “Listen to me, okay. We talked about this. If they ever did this again, you said yourself that you couldn’t do it anymore. We told you, we are not going to let this happen, and you agreed, did you not?”

“Yes”

“Ookay so we are going right now. You’re done working there. Let’s go.” Bin left no room for discussion as you four piled into the car. These boys have seen you through it all, including passing out from exhaustion when they forced you to work doubles, and others spraining parts of your body you didn’t know you could sprain. That’s the times that are passing through Bin’s head. He hated seeing you like that… for a paycheck?? He couldn’t fathom it. Not when he makes enough and has a bed for you, a home if you say the word. No, he was done watching his Baby getting hurt for something he has plenty of. 

Chan was always worried sick about you. He knows about your history. He remembers the first times he noticed your scars. He didn’t pry, didn’t want you to feel bad. That made him fiercely protective of you. When you did tell him and you pulled up your right sleeve, he wanted to cry. He asked if he could touch it, and you said yes. He noticed some of them connected to make a pair of Angel wings. “Ah, you have the mark of an angel.” He traced it, “A warrior angel… You are so so strong… I’m gonna call you that, Angel.” Since then that has been your nickname.

Felix got so angry because he knew the trigger for you was emotion regulation, and while no one was watching you were digging into your right forearm with your left.  He caught you once, 5 weeks ago. He had tears in his eyes as he helped you clean it. He asked you how long, what triggered it, and how he could help. He just wanted to help his Cinamon Roll. He went with you to tell Bin of the relapse and since then at least 3 times a week he’s at your place, helping take your mind off of the stress, even if it means him staying with you until Bin comes to yours. 

He noticed in the car your left hand was scratching at the old scars again, he held his hand out and said, “hold my hand… I need affection.” as he fake cried. You giggled as you grabbed his hand, stopping the urge to fiddle. 

As soon as the car stopped Bin hopped out and opened the door for you. When they walked in Bin knew who he was looking for as your manager glared at you and said “You’re late.”

Bin laughed as he approached them, “late for what? Another shift you didn’t tell them about?”

They were speechless, as he continued, “Do you know what they go through for you? I love them so much and all you do is hurt them… That stops today, okay. No two weeks notice, no nothing.” 

Their jaw dropped and he said, “Oh doesn’t feel so nice does it? Not knowing if something was going to happen… Well your staff shortage, just got worse. If the last check isn’t in the mail on time, then we are coming back, and you will be dealing with 8 very pissed-off men who have a lot of connections and millions of people in their fanbase… Bad press wouldn’t begin to cover it. Okay? Am I clear?” 

They just nodded and he said, “Good. Jagia, do you have anything you need from your locker?” 

You said, “Yeah I do.”

Bin looked at Chan and he nodded, Chan switched out with Bin and said, “We’re going to have a little chat about leadership and manners. Okay?” 

Bin went to you and escorted you to get your things. Once you have everything you both went back to the front and signaled Felix and Chan to fall back. You couldn’t explain the relief as you walked to the car. When Felix and Chan got in the car. Bin opened the door for you. Before you got in he kissed your scars and said, “I love you… all of you, it’s over, okay? I got you.” Tears started to paint your face as he kissed you. Before he started crying he guided you in and closed the door. 

Right after he closed his door he said, “So I don’t know about everyone else but Y/N’s day is now free which means we go to their favorite pastry shop and get those Apple Cinamon Rolls and have a movie marathon. If you don’t like it too bad we are doing it anyway!!”

You started giggling as Chan cranked the stereo. You had a lot of things that you deal with yes, but this moment let you realize, that you weren’t going through it alone. Especially not with Binnie, Lixie, and Chan. ----------------------------------------------------------------

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THE CHAOS EXPRESS 🚂❤️❤️

@Fuckthinking, @feybin , @1-800-shedevil , @channiesbakery, @channieswhore , @hwangswhore , @seungminhour , @skzms, @angstraykids, @roseykat , @seventeenytiny , @dreaming-medium , @thunderous-wolf , @hanjsquokka , @moonjxsung , @diddybok , @fics-lovebot, @seungminssangel, @straykeedz, @tasteracha, @ven-fic-recs , @euphoric-univers, @camilagonzalex, @juskz, @antoniorhinothethird, @mariteez, @armystay89, @i-like-nougat, @yeonjunsfox, 

@laylasbunbunny ,@uwuitsjungwoo , @3racha-soup , @bandolls , @bomi-ja , @skzfairyyyf8te , @3rachababygirl , @symptoms-of-moonlight , @hiddlestandom , @stay-fr0sty-r0yal-milk-tea , @8rach4, @bear8585 , @tenshimara , @galamxy, @fairlylilo , @skzms, @lolareadsimagines , @lillithathecat , @manuosorioh , @jazziwritesthings , @soulsbbg , @tuskaruska , @emmxxsworld , @maaatyroshka , @orchid-mantis-petals , @thisrandomgoofy15 , @lolareadsimagines , @notastraykid , 

[cephalopod-celabrator]

Which major Greek gods I think you least want to get on the bad side of:

They will be rated on a scale of 1 to 10 based on how easily provoked they are, how effective they are at getting revenge, and how likely they are to take your loved ones as casualties. 0 means you're fine, 10 means that you are in fact fucked

Zeus: 8/10 Now Zeus is one of the most easily provoked, because in order for him to endanger your life all you need to do is be attractive or be near someone attractive. If he dislikes you he'll kill you and if he likes you his wife will kill you. Neither of them are known for being precise with their wrath, so you're family, especially any child had with Zeus, are going to be in for it too. The only reason he's not higher is because he might, might, protect you from Hera and he doesn't really have the attention span or precision to make sure that he finishes the job if he tries to kill you Poseidon: 8/10 The lord of the ocean is lest lustful than his lil bro, a low bar, but he's still pretty easy to provoke. He's also not very good at making sure the job gets done, but he is probably the most indiscriminate with his wrath. He'll endanger your friends, your family, everyone near you, and/or your city if he feels like it. Hades: 5/10 Now Hades is pretty hard to piss off, all things considered. Don't go out of your way to defy him, his wife, or the natural order of death and you'll be fine. The only reason he's not at like a 2 is because if you do cross him or his wife Persephone, you are so spectacularly fucked. He might not do anything to you in life but once you shuffle off that mortal coil oh boy. Enjoy being physically and psychologically tortured for literal eternity. Hestia: 0/10 Okay, you have to try like crazy hard to piss of Hestia. It takes monumental stupidity and even if you do, probably the worse she'll do is refuse to ever bless you again. But you should still be ashamed of yourself. Hera: 6.5/10 She has more self-control than her husband and if you're careful you can avoid breaking any of her rules, but if you catch his eye then I'm sorry. Your family will likely be in danger if you draw her ire, and you don't have great chances of survival but it's not impossible. Demeter: 5/10 As far as gods go she's one of the more laid back ones, except when it comes to her daughter. I mean, mess with her nymphs or what have you and your ass is dead, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to draw her attention. The only reason she's not lower is that she causes starvation and hypothermia through the winter she brings each year, but there's not much you can do about that. Athena: 6.5/10 It depends on the interpretation of her but she usually won't smite people unless they directly challenge her or whatnot, but she's still got a bit of a temper on her. And it should be self-explanatory as to why making an enemy of the goddess of strategy and war is not a good idea Hermes: 2/10 I honestly can't think of any myths about the wrath of Hermes, but he still seems like a guy who can be dangerous if you end up on the wrong side of him Ares: 5/10 You'd think the god of carnage and war would be higher, but you're main concern with him is if you end up on the battlefield with him or if you directly aggress against him or those close to him. Dionysus: 6/10 I'd say he falls about middle of the road when it comes to the touchiness of gods, but I really wouldn't recommend pissing off the god of madness. I was going to give him a lower score then remembered the herd of murderous maniac women who follow him, so. Aphrodite: 8/10 Aphrodite is probably the easiest god to piss off because she will take anything as an insult and might randomly decide that you need to die so your partner can get with someone else or something. She's sloppy about her work too, which both means that you have relatively good chances of escaping her wrath and that everyone around you is likely to get caught up in it Hephaestus: 2/10 I mean, he mostly targets his anger at other gods who have wronged him, but I could see a mortal ending up as collateral of some scheme of his. Mostly the dude wants to be left alone

Apollo: 10/10 Yeah, this dude has one of the highest bodycounts of any Olympian, both in terms of murders and hook-ups. And quite a few combinations of both. He's almost hornier than Zeus and less likely to discrimenate between men and women, but his lovers have a slightly higher survival rate. He's pretty easy to piss off and when you do get on his bad side, you're unlikely to find a proportionate response. He will unleash plague, disaster, and/or a rain of arrows on anyone who he doesn't like the vibe of. Artemis: 9.5/10 Now you could argue that Apollo and her should switch ratings, but I think the twins are probably the deadliest gods out there. Artemis is also quite easy to piss off and if you don't give the proper offerings or disrespect her, she will show you that the bow isn't decorative or maybe send wild animals to rip you apart. You'll be lucky if she stops at you though, because your kids or really anyone in the same country as you are a potential casualty. I would say out of all the gods, Artemis is the least likely to fail to kill someone she's decided needs to be six feet under. She doesn't miss. And if you hit on her, you've basically just signed your own death warrant.

[themuse-if]

Another 20 (or so) Questions with Maxine Matthews

Interviewer: Welcome to another installment of our character interviews, where we dive deep into the lives and minds of our favorite cast members of The Muse. Today, we have Maxine Matthews with us, an aspiring dramatic writer who creates new worlds through her imaginative point of view. Max, thank you for joining us. Could you start by telling us what made you want to pursue dramatic writing?

Maxine: I've always been drawn to storytelling, whether through film, TV, or theater. Writing allows me to create worlds and characters that resonate with people, and I love the idea of evoking emotions and sparking thoughts through my work.

Interviewer: Could you describe your writing style in more detail?

Maxine: My writing is a reflection of my observations and insights into human nature. I can't say that I have a specific genre that I prefer because I want to try and be really well rounded as a writer, I still have a lot to learn after all. I do have a genre that I'm interested in exploring though. You know films like Labyrinth, The Never Ending Story, and Legend, 80's dark fantasy. I actually really enjoy those but I feel like they could be done even better with more diverse casts, better graphics, and more complex storylines. Honestly I think it's something that a lot of people would enjoy seeing in theatres again.

Interviewer: Interesting, isn't that a little niche? How do you think your work will be received by others? Better yet how do you want your work to be received?

Maxine: Personally I like the dark ethereal nature of those films, but I feel like now we could take them several steps forward. I think people would appreciate that same energy with richer plot and visuals. I think that audiences today are actually craving a more dynamic hero's journey.

Interviewer: And what about you? How do want people to see you outside of your work?

Maxine: I'm not really sure. Honestly I don't really care how people see me unless it's someone who's actually important to me. In general I would hope that people just see me as honest and unwavering, but besides that I can't say I really care.

Interviewer: I've been asking everyone else to describe their ideal best friend, but I think I want to switch it up for you. Could you instead describe how you feel about your best friend, MC?

Maxine: *immediately shifts her gaze away* I mean they're my best friend so I really care about them. They're like family you know...but not...actually family...thank god. Uh yeah honestly I just feel most like myself when we're together. We've been friends our whole lives and I can't imagine not having them around. I'm not really sure that I could have this kind of connection with anyone else.

Interviewer: Hmm, sounds like you feel very deeply towards MC. Would you say that you want a similar connection with your ideal partner.

Maxine: *shifts nervously* Probably...right? I mean obviously I want to have that really deep meaningful connection with someone...romantically. It would be nice if they were at least half as attractive as MC too.*covers her mouth*...fuck...did I say that out loud...

Interviewer: *tries to stifle a chuckle* Yeah you did. Alright next question? What was your first kiss like? Was it with MC?

Maxine: No! I mean, no, it wasn't. I was dating this girl, Jade, during sophomore year. She was great, super cool, but it just sort of fizzled out. It was nice...the kiss. We were just hanging out, studying together. One second we're talking about A Midsummer Night's Dream, and the next she's sucking on my bottom lip. Yeah it was a good kiss...she was a good kisser.

Interviewer: So I'm guessing you weren't in love with her. Have you ever been in love?

Maxine: Yeah you're right, I wasn't in love with Jade. I haven't really tried dating anyone since. I just haven't really felt that spark, that undeniable connection.

Interviewer: *leans in* Like the one you have with MC?

Maxine: I... I mean. *takes a deep breath* I know what your trying to do.

Interviewer: *raises their hands in surrender* I'm just asking you a simple question. After hearing what you've had to say so far I think it's a very valid observation.

Maxine: *rolls her eyes* You want me to say that I'm secretly in love with MC. And I don't know, maybe I am, but they are to important to me for me to risk exploring those feelings. What if they don't feel the same? What if they do and we try being together but it doesn't work out? I love how we are now. Even if I have these other...feelings.

Interviewer: Alright, I won't press you any further...for now. What’s your ideal Friday night?

Maxine: Well I love a good theme almost as much as I love a good movie. I like to plan these movie nights where we do a double feature and have a movie themed dress code and snacks related to the movies we're watching.

Interviewer: That sounds like a lot of fun, make sure to invite me next time. Ok have you heard any good music lately? What’s the last song you listened to?

Maxine: "Ego" by Kennedy Ryon. I heard it the other day and I've had it on repeat ever since.

Interviewer: I'll have to give it a listen sometime. So what is your latest obsession?

Maxine: I just finished this really good book, The Star and The Strange Moon, by Constance Sayers. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I finished it. Annoyingly enough I don't know anyone else who's read it, so I can't discuss it with someone who gets it and it's killing me.

Interviewer: I'll make sure to give it a read, then we can chat about all the little details. Ok next question. How do you behave in a relationship?

Maxine: Mmm I don't know. I mean I've only been in one and that only lasted about 3 months. I think I was pretty...chill. It honestly just felt like we were friends who would make-out sometimes. If I was with someone that I had strong feelings for, I think I would be a bit more serious and maybe a bit territorial.

Interviewer: That makes sense. What about your approach? Do you go in first towards those you’re interested in or let them come to you?

Maxine: If it's just making friends then yeah I would say I'm pretty outgoing. And if we're talking about something more than that I think I'm probably a bit more cautious. It's nice knowing that someone wants me before I make a move.

Interviewer: Yeah taking that step first is quite the bold move. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Maxine: I can't stand arrogance. Like it's fine to be proud and confident but when you start to make others out to be less than, it's just really off putting.

Interviewer: I couldn't agree more. So, what do you notice first about a person?

Maxine: Their style, not in a judgey way. The way people dress tells you a lot about them. What they value, their hobbies, yeah it's just really interesting.

Interviewer: That's really true. A lot can be learned from how people choose to present themselves. Alright this is our final question. What did you dream about last night?

Maxine: Honestly I couldn't sleep I've been packing and getting ready for this big road trip. I'm riding with MC and Cameron to move in at NYU. It'll be a bit of a drive, but I'm pretty excited.

Interviewer: Well that sound like a side story just waiting to happen. Honestly Maxine this has been an absolute pleasure, but I believe that’s all the time we have for today. I hope that you find success on you journey through university. Thank you so much for coming in and sharing more about yourself with us!

[queerfables]

911 season 5 liveblog part 3

5x10

I'm finding it hard to believe these women are busy squabbling with each other when their husband has been blatantly lying to both of them

And they both have kids who are probably feeling very confused and upset right now maybe go take care of that

Lmfao Hen's advice about what Buck should get Taylor for Christmas. "Don't overthink it just make sure it's sweet and something she needs and also shows you know her really well" SO HELPFUL

LOL TAYLOR IS JUST AS BAD AS HIM AT THIS

Thank God for Athena telling these two women exactly what I've been wanting to say

Awwww they're bonding

Noooo lady ask him out you can do it

Awwwww he likes her too even though he hated the present she got him. Cuuute.

Oh NO Chris is freaking out about Christmas because he's worried about Eddie T_T

Oh jeeze Eddie so does not need a child frantically asking if his dad is dead right now

OK Buck's present to Taylor was crazy romantic

Oh no Eddie's leaviiiiing.

I'm sure Evan "Abandonment Issues" Buckley is gonna be super chill and normal about that

5x11

Lol at Hen's revolving door of partners

Oh God horrible??

This show has actually really desensitised me to TV injuries involving the bone showing, that used to be suuuch a major squick for me

Omg Eddie is doing 911 dispatch? Please. How long is that going to last. He's perpetually 0.5 seconds away from climbing out a third storey window to rescue a kitten. Eddie trying to keep himself out of danger by coordinating 911 responses like an alcoholic trying to pay for therapy by working at a bar.

Oh he's doing PR? That's so much worse. He'll be stir crazy in a week.

On one hand, Buck should probably not broadcast his scepticism over Eddie's career change quite so loudly. On the other hand he is meeee so how can I judge him.

It's very romantic of the wife to wanna take over driving in this Speed re-run for her husband but wasn't the whole point of Eddie's call that they can't switch him out?

Yeah so this is the kind of thing I mean though, how is Eddie supposed to watch from the sidelines while the people he cares about put themselves in danger doing the job he loves?

Oh no Eddie, left on the outside

Lol yeah Athena pegged it. Bobby's bullshit about trying to find the ~right person~ as if that has ever mattered so much before. Buck hated Eddie at first and Bobby told him to get over it.

I really love that Athena rides solo. Her being the only cop and the one who works without a partner, compared to all these firefighters who work as a team, and I don't know, I just think it shows up in some really well crafted ways in everyone's characterisation and the ways that Athena is a little different from the others.

Wow this lady is really hitting on Buck

Buck do not???

Buck stop this????

Oh he's so drunk

Hen you are giving Buck terrible advice

Yeah no that's better telling the truth is the only option but oof this is not gonna be good

I am having some thoughts and feelings about how Buck's spiral over Eddie leaving is manifesting as kissing the last person he jumped onto the roof of a car with

I'm gonna get weepy again, Chris is such a good kid and he loves his dad so much

Lol at how Eddie's response to Bobby benching him for his own good is identical to Buck's

BUCK NO

Come on you'd done the hardest part she knew something was wrong and honestly in the grand scheme briefly kissing someone else is not that bad

But now it is VERY bad

You asked her to move in instead of telling her

At this point the only thing you can do is change your name, move to another country and pray she never finds you

Oh shit Lucy is transferring here isn't she

Buckley you are fucked

5x12

Maddie! I've just been thinking about how much I missed her

Oh Maddie honey

And Chimney!! Hi Chimney

Aaaah them finding each other again gave me chills

They're two of my fav characters I've really missed them

Oh no I just full on started bawling when Maddie started singing "the wheels on the bus" to jee-an. That song is one of my son's favourites and there were a few months where singing it was the only thing that would calm him down. I was already way too emotional imagining myself in Maddie's shoes and I guess that was the breaking point lol.

Then Maddie and Chimney started singing it together and I got teary all over again

Oh this is bad I cannot have a hair trigger weeping response to the wheels on the freaking bus that's so dumb

5x13

"We broke up" what the FUCK

Lol at Maddie and Chimney catching up on all the gossip from the 118 while they've been gone

Erg, the bends is my nightmare, it's one of those human body related things I'm squeamish about

Lol Buck you are being SO weird about Lucy it's very funny

Eddie really looks like he's not doing so hot

"Pain is just weakness leaving the body" for fucks sake. you would have internalised that, wouldn't you?

Well at least Buck knows it was dumb

Urg, spiders, another nightmare :/

Yeaaaaaah this is real bad Buck

Holy fuck the woman just dousing the mugger and then herself in gasoline

Omg the fact that Eddie is having a breakdown and Christopher is freaking out and the person he calls is Buck T_T

God this is awful for Chris though

Oh jeeze, Eddie. This is awful.

Man this is devastating but in some ways I'm happy Eddie finally reached a breaking point and let himself feel his feelings

I'm also really happy that Christopher had someone he could call. That kid has been through enough.

5x14

Oh Eddie

Buck drew a heart that's so cute

Buck you REALLY should have told Taylor everything. She is going to find out, you know that right? That's literally her job description

I'm really liking this arc for Eddie. I don't know, his primary coping mechanism seems to be to compartmentalise and shut down the difficult feelings and it's been good to see him externalise a bit more. It's shown a different side of his character I think.

[a-student-out-of-time]

Guys, I think we’re being a bit harsh on Hajime here. He’s already accepted that Shirogane has to die and he’s going to let the others take care of it. That doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it. And we’re not happy with him always doubting himself or being cross, but we also have to accept that he’s always gonna be Hajime Hinata, which means he’s always going to be upset about SOMETHING. Just let him do his thing. He’ll be fine after all this is over.

Of course it'll be over.

...

...Do you wish we'd done things differently? Please, just be honest with me. Would things have been better if we'd just...y'know...

...

No. No, I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

It's okay...I still think about that too.

Things probably would've been easier for us if we had just killed Kanade or agreed to let someone else do it. But...I dunno if either of us could've recovered from that so easily...

And all I did was agree to someone else's offer. I...can barely imagine how tough all this must be for you, Haji.

...You wanna know something? It's not just that I want to believe that killing is wrong, no matter what, because of what I went through...or that I'm scared of what I'd do if I did think it was okay...

But every time I imagine Enoshima, Ikusaba, or the Steering Committee- the ones who caused all of this- I fantasize about all the things I'd do as payback...not just for me, but for everyone.

And that...scares me. It honestly terrifies me.

I know I'd never become Kamukura again. That's not gonna happen, and it's not what I'm worried about.

But...every time, I could tell myself that what happened in the Tragedy Timeline was him, not me. He did all that. I had no control over anything, not even my sense of self until the Neo World Program put me back together.

And killing or ordering someone to kill would actually be you this time?

Exactly. And up until now, everything we did, we did it without having to resort to that. It was probably harder, and we made a lot of mistakes, but we still did it. Every time.

This is different from Mizuta. He never wanted to be a part of all this, and he gave up his own life to save his daughter. But Shirogane...she loves all this.

And seeing what she does to everyone, including Kaede and Erika...yeah. I want this bitch to pay.

...But that's something you can't ever take back. I don't care who it is, and I don't want to hear about how someone "deserves" it. That's a really dangerous word to use when you're talking about this sorta thing.

Do you really believe you'd take things too far?

...I don't know. I don't want to resort to killing...but I want fucking Shirogane gone just as much as anyone! I really do, and I'm pissed at myself for ever letting things get THAT bad!

...Kaede and Erika are our grandkids. Wouldn't it...be right for us to be there too? What would you think if your grandfather did something that ruined everything, and then he sat on the sidelines and didn't help fix any of it?

But that's not what happened. Shirogane is the one who did all this, Haji. You are allowed to be mad at the people who've hurt you and exploited your kindness, and you know it.

But you know what you could do instead of deciding the only way anyone will forgive you is if you take revenge?

You work on helping yourself be better, and you rely on the people around you to help with things you can't solve on your own. I talked with Sayuri, and all she asked was that we try to learn from our mistakes. That's all she needed to know.

I promise you, Haji, nobody in the future wants you to do something you know you'll regret.

...

[the1975attheirverybest]

I truly am happy for Matty. He deserves the fucking world honestly. But it makes me realize I don't have a BF, I don't have friends and I don't get a long with my family most of the time. I'm working on myself this Year I hope something will change. ❤️ I hope for uou and everyone else too. Anyway, sometimes I treat Matty like he is my little brother, his happiness makes me so so happy truly. I love him with all my heart.

Yeah, same. It often feels like I don’t belong anywhere with anyone lmao. But I think everyone feels that way sometimes. I mean, someone like Matty, who has such solid friendships with more than one person, has a mom and a dad who are literally nothing but proud of him in Tim and Denise, a lil brother who clearly looks up to him. Thousands of humans all around the world who care for him deeply, still felt the things that he wrote about in Frail State of Mind, Nothing Revealed/Everything Denied, I Think There’s Something You Should Know, etc.

And, yeah, we see him being happy now, but let’s not forget what he just went through. Pretty much from Feb 7, 2023 right up until December 2023 was absolute hell for him. The entire universe hated him. People not only criticized the things that he did wrong, but everything he’s ever done with his entire life, called him a pedophile, brought up his addiction, wished he would overdose, wished he would die, mocked his appearance, his voice, dragged his ex partners, especially Twigs, harassed Jack Antonoff and Phoebe Bridgers and anyone who was seen being friends with him. Can you imagine what that must have made him feel about himself? I mean he literally shows us in the peanut bit onstage.

As Denise said, the show is as much about all that as it is about his fear of addiction and his fear of people leaving him. Just cuz he appears to have everything he could ever want: a beautiful and kind gf, the worlds most generous parents, and a stellar career, doesn’t mean that his life isn’t just as cold and hard and miserable as the rest of us. And, by his own admission, he only got to the place we currently see him in, where he’s happy and healthy, by going to therapy and being learning to do the hard stuff and by growing up. He’s doing his best. And he doesn’t always get it right. Sometimes he’ll go off the rails. And, unlike me and you and the rest of the world, where, our worst days are private (maybe only seen by a handful of coworkers or family or whatever), his worst days are in front of thousands. and boy do they let him know when he’s fucked up.

Don’t let his joy mislead you into being hard on yourself and don’t let it make you forget that he’s just as fucked up as we all are. He’s just really really brave. That’s all.

[mcyt-fictives]

Hey. My name is Seawatt- my new host found me this blog, and I guess it's just... nice to vent somewhere people won't know me specifically. But uh, I guess everybody does now, huh? 28 million people know who I am and 9 million know how I went out. I'm... fucking tired, man. Getting used to being a "fictive" sucks. I just got here and I have no idea what to do. I'm just in another shitty society that lies about climbing to the top. I don't want to be erased again. But don't I deserve it? lol

I've taken ever fucking opportunity in my life to be a shitty person, all because I was angry. I still am angry. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I worked for ended up killing everyone I gave a shit about releasing from this fucked up society. I watched past my death yesterday and I... Fuck. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want everyone to be massacred. I just wanted them to be free.

But I guess that doesn't matter anymore, right?

Everything I've ever worked for is gone, and now I'm stuck somewhere similar with even less power than before. This body can't even do parkour. I'm nothing anymore. Honestly I'm... Pretty close to just giving up. I could just lay there and tune out everything forever now. I'm not really sure why I bother anymore. If everything's fucked and I can't do anything, then why am I even trying. I could just go back to being someone's lackey and only think about myself, but everyone here wants to be my "friend" and junk. If relative safety feels like shit now because of what I've done then I guess I just bit my own ass, huh? Whatever.

I guess it's only fitting that my afterlife is torture too. Too bitter for anything else. I'm... so fucking done. I'm so fucking tired.

... Hope it's fine to dump this shit on your blog. tag it "parkour civilization spoilers" or whatever. thanks.

Hello there, yes it’s ok to vent here! This blog is for that!

Message under cut if you want to read it- no pressure!

I understand it’s rough, and you may or may not want comfort right now- and that’s ok. Feel free to ignore my two cents- but I’m sure the people in your life do genuinely care about you. Especially your headmates. -Anonymous

Hey there seawatt, I understand how you feel. Maybe not exactly, but the feeling of feeling seen super suddenly and being nerveous about it isn’t alien to me- nor is the feeling of coming to terms with others opinions.

But coming from a similar situation- it can get better. Yeah our society sucks, but relationships can make it bearable. Especially those with our headmates. Ide encourage you to find comfort in them.

Feel free to take or leave that advice. -Dream

[yennefer-of-vengerbergs]

just me ranting about work under the cut, because damn has it been getting on my nerves and i need to get it off my chest somehow🙃

i swear, every day, the idea of just quitting my job seems more and more tempting. it's getting to the point where i can't stand it anymore and the thought of having to log on and staring at my work laptop all day brings me nothing but annoyance, to say the least. i'm tired and no amount of pto is ever enough, especially since it's just me and someone else (who is a lead) in this team, so i can't even take too much time off at a time because of it. and i can't stand this person and they're always throwing 99.99% of the work at me, and there isn't that much i can do about it other diplomatically say something isn't as doable as they'd imagine it to be, seeing as they also do my performance review and any raises i get depend on that 🙃

had half a day off on friday and what do i come back to today? more work that's ready for me, because of course everything has to be ready at the same.fucking.time 🙃on paper, i have the time for it, but man does it get on my nerves to see everything come in at once, with no consideration for the fact that hey, it's just me doing this shit, can ya'll slow the fuck down and stop taking stuff in advance, that's then expected to be ready, even if it isn't meant to be done during this period of time?

and as i was typing this, they wrote that they want to chat about even more work that came in unplanned 🙃(surprisingly, they took that on, but i know for a fact that the initial idea would have been to pass it on to me because "you've worked with this before")

and what else do i find out today? they have more than a month off for the holidays, from december to january according to the very public calendar on the hr portal used here, which means i'll be on my own with nobody to help me if i need it🙃nevermind the fact that i would have liked to take a few days off then too, but hey, what do i matter in this equation, their weeks and weeks of pto are clearly more important 🙃

guess it's high-time for me update my linkedin profile and look for a new job, as much as i hate job hunting and how this year is probably the worst time to look for a new job in the industry i work in (literally the only reasons keeping me at this job are the good pay and the fact that it's 100% remote and i refuse to go into the office for work anymore, so ideally i'd like a new job that is also 100% remote). but honestly, it's gotten to the point where i can no longer stand this place and i just feel like my soul gets sucked out of me every single day, little by little. I know it's going to probably take a long time to find a new job that fits what i want, but ugh, i'm just done at this point, i'd rather go through the hurdle that is job hunting for however long it takes than to stay in this place longer than i have to.

it's funny, as much as i ended up hating working in the gaming industry because of the toxicity where i worked and shit pay and it being absolutely thankless, i sometimes regret leaving that entirely because at least it was an industry i cared about and i actually worked with some people that i had things in common with and could have a conversation with. now i just feel completely disconnected from everyone i work with, seeing as i have absolutely nothing in common with them and all that's left is another round of falseness from pretty much everyone. i'm not one to necessarily make friends and be all buddy-buddy with the people i work with (if i end up being friends with someone from work, cool. if not, cool again, i'm just here for my paycheck in the end, k bye), but even i have to admit that sometimes i'd like to at least be able to have a conversation about something that isn't work related throughout those 8 hours i have to spend every day working.

i don't know where i'm going with this anymore 😂but anyway, yeah, work sucks, why did we as humans see relaxation and chill vibes and generally good and happy things, and then just invented a 40-hour work week and jobs that suck the life out of you?

[softue]

But they can't know.

Let's start off strong but saying I love them, but I can't use that word. So I just say I like them. It's something about them, when they speak, sing, dance (some of the funniest shit I've ever seen, in a cute way), or just sit there. I feel obsessed every time I dream, I wish I could tell them about my dreams. The dates, the ups and downs, the conversations. It all feels so real, I wish it was real. They can't know though. They're unsure and that's okay, I can wait. Right? I think I can, I want to. I want to wait, so they can be better. I know I'll probably just rush things and fuck it up, like normal. That's okay, I think. I just, want to tell them. That someone in this world cares, no matter what they do. I wish they would understand that my love isn't based off of actions they do or appearances they put up. I love the good and the bad, the dark and the light. Cringe shit, I know. It's true though, everything they do. Every word they speak, breath they take, thought they think, and muscle they move. I think it's all beautiful, but they can't know that. I don't want to scare them off, or make them feel rushed. Even if they end up feeling different, I don't want them feeling guilty. I won't act like they don't have flaws, but I don't mind. I want to work through them, lifting them up to be a better person. They can't know that though. Will they ever? Will they ever see themselves how I see them? I wonder how they see me? I feel like I'm not worth their time honestly, like I'm just there. Wasting their time, like a toy. I don't see what they see in me, which is why I wonder if they see anything at all. They can't know that though, it could make them realize they don't love me. If they do, cool. If they don't, cool. I can't change their mind, I just want them to feel loved. They can't know that though, or I might fuck things up. I can't fuck this up.

I wonder how they'd react to my past? My "issues". I've wanted to tell them at some point, but I'm too scared. They might see the old me for who I truly was, and always have that fear he might return. Which I wouldn't blame them, I'd worry too. I was an ass, a dick, a fuck-up. I sit awake thinking about how much I hate him, myself. Is it because I see my father in him? Is it because I'm scared of what I've done? Is it because I'm scared he'll come back? I think that's my worst fear, especially right now. I can't do that to them, I wouldn't. I couldn't. They don't deserve it, nobody does. Ruining trust, self image, causing scars, using people and bragging about it. It makes me sick, my stomach turns thinking about it. Then I think of them, and how kind they are. Even when they do things I dislike, I can't stay mad. I know that my anger in that moment isn't worth throwing away the joy I get from hearing that joy in their words, seeing the worry and stress leave. Even if it's for a second. All that weight on their shoulders, I wish I could take some off. Carry their burdens for them. Make them our burdens and worries, so they don't have to go through it alone anymore. God I love them, I'm madly in love. I think. I want to be sure, I need to be sure. That's why I need to wait, I couldn't bear ruining that word for them like everyone else. I feel like a stalker sometimes, even in my dreams. I watch, reading their face. Oh my God. That face. They will never understand how genuinely attractive they are. I don't care what anyone else says, it's not your type? Cool, that's fine. It's mine. I don't even care about looks, never have. Though they made me feel something, other than lust. It's a warm thumping in my stomach. Taking my words away with those eyes, how I could stare till the sun explodes. Everyone's eyes tell a story, and their story is one of the most stunning pieces I've ever read. They can't know that though. What if they don't think of me like that? I know I'm not the hottest guy, I'm aware. So I worry that I won't look good enough. That I'm not their type, but they can't know that. That's an ick.

Even when they put effort into looking nice or don't, I'll still think they are the prettiest thing I've ever seen. My golden Aphrodite, the deathless, the laughing one. Though they can't know that.

If I could tell them anything, anything at all. I'd say "I know I said I'd sleep. I'm sorry I lied, I hate when I do that. I didn't mean too. I just needed to get my thoughts out. I hope you don't mind(?). Nothing's changed, I just needed to vent my thoughts. It's easier this way then telling you. Take you're time, I don't mind. Waiting is what I'm here for. Figure yourself out, I'm here to help. I care so much about you, more than a friend? Yes. Though I still care, I care enough that I want you in a healthy spot. In every way. With or without me, I don't care as long as you're at your best. (I really hope you don't read this before work). From your Shining Star." But I can't. So they'll never know.

[zoroara]

OC Questions answered from this post, For Nascosta cause I'm a little bored and decided hey why not, i got time. This is going to get really long, i mean the post itself with just the questions is long. So i'm going to drop this under a read more.

1. What’s the lie your character says most often? That they're actually stronger and better than the people that they mimic. They don't actually believe this, and only some is it actually a factual statement. But they ESPECIALLY say that they're stronger than other mist users which a majority of the time? is not true at all.

2. How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’? Other than when they're using it to taunt people, very... rarely. It's fucking arduous for you to get Nas to actually like you in the first place much less even admit it. She doesn't really like to use titles like that lightly.

3. How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing? It's a mix really because it entirely depends. Most times it's pretty obvious as to what she's feeling. There's a few emotions like fear that he'll cover up without even realizing, with his big ecstatic grin and laughter that almost seems exactly the same as when he's genuinely enjoying and taunting someone. But it mostly depends on context.

4. What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss? Funnily enough, they've actually kept most of their hobbies despite being in a busy assassination squad. How have they done this? what's their secret? Ditching work by pretending to be someone else. Fun fact, Nascosta is actually really good at cooking and baking, so sometimes to make up for ditching she cooks something for Xanxus so Squalo can deliver it without dying to the boss being pissed off it's not high enough quality. She also just likes to do this in her spare time so it's a win win.

5. Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen? Yes she can but she mostly uses it in her mimics than in any other scenario. She especially doesn't want to cry in front of the varia unless a mimic requires this because she's pretty sure they'd all look down upon that! Which yeah they would. But admittedly though she could just think of literally anything negative about her life long enough and break down, she mostly just uses illusions instead, since doing that would affect her focus if she's not careful.

6. What’s their favorite [insert anything] that they’ve never recommended to anyone before? Given she doesn't actually talk to people that much and keeps the things she actually likes mostly tight under lock, Just about anything can sit here. He doesn't like people knowing what he actually likes in case they make fun of him for it.

7. What would you (mun) yell in the middle of a crowd to find them? What would their best friend and/or romantic partner yell? Well, provided they WANT to be found. Because Nas is a bit of a bastard when it comes to giving people a hard time. It's honestly really easy to get a hold of them just by name. Of course good 50% chance they use the opportunity to fucking spook you though.

8. How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’? Yeah uh... Good luck ever hearing this in their life time. It's really hard for them to make friends, even harder for them to ever say this set of words. Takes a while, even while in a relationship for her to even say this.

9. Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive? For them it depends who they are talking to. Like they observe people and see what works best on that person before attempting themselves. Though it's unlikely he would ever try for someone at all in the first place. She actually hates both equally. This is because she sees both as looking down on her in some way, and usually grows aggressive and defensive immediately. Only people she actually likes will either method be somewhat effective.

10. What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity? Anything that they think makes them seem cool, strong, smart or otherwise special. how she's as physically as strong as her strongest mimic, how she's good enough to be trained by an Arcobaleno. So on and so forth, sometimes they are greatly exaggerated and most times also said at the same time as insulting another in order to seem better.

11. If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

See with Nas being so secretive and in control of most tics she has very few easy ways to get. if you want a question that you can get the answer to for sure you better have been their partner for at least several years and know that you can ask things from their past because literally no one else would know the answer but you and her. otherwise you will need to do something that would trigger her. as she has some uncommon ones an imposter wouldn't likely connect. blowing up a balloon to its fullest extent and popping it by doing so or doing the same with chewing gum will make him immediately panic. This is because Nas' first time not only seeing their mentor who they thought was impossibly strong fight, and was also the very first mist battle thet had ever seen, was the mist ring battle. and we all know how that ended.

12. What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific! Seeing their superiors get mildly injured especially if in the consequences of their own actions. Particularly if it is Squalo because both she really dislikes him and he has really really funny reactions to things. She once saw him kick something out of anger and stub his toe only to grow more pissed off and she had to do everything in her power to avoid laughing so hard she couldn't breathe.

13. When do they fake a smile? How often? Extremely often, for intimidation, to tease people, to hide fear, to hide sadness. It's hard to tell his faked from real though, at least just looking at the smile. He has a biiiig wide unnatural looking smile even when they're being genuine. so looking for forcing is hard. look more at his eyes.

14. How do they put out a candle? Depends if they have an audience or not, with one she does it with her fingers. Without it, he does it normally by blowing it out.

15. What’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone? He doesn't go to school so we'll skip. Home and work are the same place since everyone in the varia lives at the Varia HQ. There they act aggressively and flashy, trying to get attention of any kind so it mostly ends up negative attention cause it's easier to garner. With friends she's still a bit of a prat, but is more teasing and playful. She'll also go out of her way to do things for them without being asked. Just to make sure they still like her. when alone... that's when he actually allows himself to feel negatively, it's so exclusive to this that he will actively attempt to leave if he feels a mood drop coming on because he doesn't want to be seen like that.

16. What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head? Anyone and everyone honestly, she is constantly thinking about scenarios and how to succeed in them. though this is only cut by the other type of thoughts she has which is constantly figuring out how other people would react in scenarios to a highly accurate degree for her mimics.

17. What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them? If there's no illusions whatsoever, both parties notice the scars she has first. normally she hides them completely, but there's so many of them that it's hard to find a part of undamaged skin. Jumping into the deep end that was the varia from only half a year or of combat training from a much less dangerous man left them utterly brutalized under their illusions. Now most people assume they just heal well from injuries. If with just those covered, the first thing they notice is how tall they are and how muscular. But since that's common in the varia most people just notice how strange their eyes look.

18. Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)? Currently? No one. If they genuinely get into a relationship though... they're very all or nothing incredibly obsessive, they'll believe that they've done something wrong far before they believe their partner can ever have done so. It's not good for him really, but unfortunately he's just like this.

19. What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding? Depends why she was avoiding them. If it's because they believe something bad will happen if they interact, well now she's gone invisible. If it's because they just don't care to interact with them, they'll sit in the corner mind their own business until let out, maybe if it starts taking a while they'll start to work together if it's clear they're not getting out. If it's because they fucking hate that person well, they're going to lock on to trying to fucking murder them

20. Who do they like as a person but hate their work? Vice versa, whose work do they like but don’t like the person? That's pretty easy, they actually like Mammon but fucking hate being trained by them, which makes sense because part of their training requires mammon to piss them off since unfortunately she rarely has the motivation to improve otherwise. As for the other way around, really any of their superiors. But especially so for Bel, they love the way he fights, but would rather be dead than be in the same room as him. She does like to use his mimic only choosing xanxus' over it for power.... He however doesn't fucking like that because the first time he saw it he thought Rasiel somehow came back again.

21. What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it? Thankfully, she has decent table manners, but any other form of etiquette has completely fallen to the wayside as she purposely is disrespectful most of the time. He really doesn't see the point of playing around these things even if it's gotten him into a lot of shit.

22. What simple activity that most people do / can do scares your character? Well as a new one that wasn't already mentioned above(Chewing gum, blowing up balloons, both make her uneasy now), taking medicine. Every other thing like going to the medical bay, getting shots everything is fine. But taking any oral medicine like cough syrups or pills, she absolutely can't and won't. Thankfully Lussuria is around to put her in a headlock and make her... Though that's if anyone finds out he's sick in the first place given he'll just hole up in his room as long as he can.

23. What do they feel guilty for that the other person(s) doesn’t / don’t even remember? Well, that's pretty easy. Since Nas will begin to feel incredibly guilty about purposely doing things that were so much as mildly inconvenient to a person as she grows to like them. She once hid a part on Vittorio that he needed for a weapon he was making for over an hour. This to her, by the way, is just as bad as the times she's verbally threatened him while holding a dagger.

24. Did they take a cookie from the cookie jar? What kind of cookie was it? First, they probably made the cookies in the cookie jar, they're allowed to take from it. In fact they usually have to be careful because much to their dismay anything they bake gets fucking stolen if they're not watching. But as for what? God something rich as hell, maybe chocolate caramel fudge cookies.

25. What subject / topic do they know a lot about that’s completely useless to the direct plot? Thanks to their obsessive perfectionism with their mimics they end up learning a lot of utterly useless things that the other person knows. As an example: They now know way too many shark facts. They have so much random trivia in their head if you want to know something provided they're willing to cooperate they may just be faster than searching something up.

26. How would they respond to being fired by a good boss? Unless their relationship with the boss was as good as their leading, Nas would try to fucking kill them. Flat out. They do not handle rejection well and violence is his first answer. If they DID also like the boss on a personal level, well the answer is then crumple into depression upon rejection.

27. What’s the worst gift they ever received? How did they respond? Nas sure doesn't get gifts so it's actually very hard to disappoint them. They will pretend though that they're not actually that impressed by it though. But it's hard to say the worst gift when you haven't been given any yet.

28. What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want? They always say different things when asked, it's not accurate it's not honest it's just always something different. A lot of the time they'll just say nothing, that they're not working toward anything that they just want what's in front of them. This is deeply untrue. They want more than anything for someone to actually like them even if they self sabotage constantly because they don't believe they deserve that. They want to be the things they claim to be already, because then someone would actually want to be around them if they were worth something, right?

29. How do they respond when someone doesn’t believe them? Annoyance, he's used to not being believed. If she was telling them something important he'll just say "Well guess I won't be hearing from you after you fuckin die". Like they're mad about it, but they'll just watch the person suffer for not believing them.

30. When they make a mistake and feel bad, does the guilt differ when it’s personal versus when it’s professional? hm... Honestly no, it just hurts in a different way. it's the same level and she'll react similarly but it still is fucking up in front of her peers and she hates it regardless. Though professional honestly it's rare to actually feel guilt over anything, it's more just a pissed off feeling.

31. When do they feel the most guilt? How do they respond to it? You must understand something about Nas' emotions, everything is almost always max level and violently swinging until they actually get some friends because they fucking have no god damn stability. Even then... Basically there's no specific scenario where he'd feel the MOST guilt because everything is just set to "Time to repent" Upon fucking up for a majority of their life when feeling any guilt. Speaking of the answer is usually self isolation... and in some cases causing harm to herself.

32. If they committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why? Look, Nas has committed many petty crimes/misdemeanors. She's an assassin, and an illusionist at that, she doesn't see why she needs to worry about tiny little crimes. Who gives a shit, thanks to illusions no one would even know. That said Nas likes to fucking steal shit for fun sometimes, like just to see what she can do.

33. How do they greet someone they dislike / hate? If they dislike you, you'll most likely have a hand picked insulting nickname sneered at you after a hello. If they hate you? Pray that they don't greet with immediately trying to stab you.

34. How do they greet someone they like / love? If they like you they'll just greet you with a hey and a name, they still want to act cool. If they love you, uh well they're most likely draping themselves over you and being realllly affectionate as they say hello.

35. What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made? Hm, you know, most of the time the smallest one is usually just seeing someone who could use a little bit of help and just choosing not to because they can't be bothered.

36. Who do they keep in their life for professional gain? Is it for malicious intent? God this either counts for most of their relationships before they actually start liking people, unless you don't see it as that. Since technically they're kind of just being used for additional fodder, really. Since they can't really play nice with people for this, i don't think they really are doing such a thing.

37. What’s a secret they haven’t told serious romantic partners and don’t plan to tell? Since Nas is simultaneously very open and very not... It just depends what has ended up feeling like something that need to be said. Like anything of their past, their real name being Narciso, the fact their appearance doesn't match anymore. But one that has not been said is that they do want a family. But with being aware of how unstable he is, he knows that this want is just being selfish. He'll be happy without kids anyway. Just sometimes they do think of about it despite that.

38. What hobby are they good at in private, but bad at in front of others? Why? Bold of you to assume they ever show their hobbies to people. But hm, I can't think of one she'd preform worse at, unless the other person was purposely causing problems. Nas tends to be surgical precision in like most things so it leaves very little room for error.

39. Would they rather be invited to an event to feel included or be excluded from an event if they were not genuinely wanted there? They'd rather be invited so they can still turn it down. At least it's their choice to go still and they can act above the invitation if she senses that they're not actually wanted. They hate both a lot but at least they get to spit in the face of someone in the first.

40. How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head? They don't actually care much if the handshake is loose. But if it's particularly loose they'll swing the person's arm a bit and ask if they're worried about breaking their hands. More just to get a reaction.

41. What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone / somewhere else? Despite how much they hate it they actually picked up some of Squalo's non-professional speak after learning it for his mimic. Fortunately for him it's not very obvious. People think they picked up the way Bel smiles but they had actually been doing that for a while. No, instead after learning his mimic he started standing like he does without realizing. A lot of little tics that his mimics do you can actually see that he does, though good luck guessing where, or who she got it from.

42. If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be? Hilarious fact about Nas, is despite constantly wanting to be a center of attention, if it's something professional like a meeting or something she gets stage fright. So During this she'd probably be halfway to crying but they'd probably give a presentation on how to analyze and predict people.... good luck understanding it though.

43. What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding? Sometimes they just don't think about things. Though he can always figure out things and use logic, to the point he can predict people's movements and things they'll say to him, he emotionally reacts first if something SOUNDS like something else and he's not in the right headspace. They need to be trying to do these things for them to avoid making these misinterpretations.

44. What language would be easiest for them to learn? Why? Given they had to learn 7 so they could get paid at the varia and continued to grow their repertoire making sure to practice them regularly so that she doesn't get rusty... I'd say there's a good amount of languages that'd be easier to learn from the experience. Though... at the same time with the amount of shared language words that actually have different meaning.... Well easy to pick up hard to differentiate with most I'd say.

45. What’s something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately? First, mark everything they care or hate about is incredibly important to them, even if it's not actually in the grand scheme- but one of the things they hate with a passion is anything they bake for themselves being fucking stolen on them. They have poisoned batches just because of this out of frustration. so... careful.

46. Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen? It switches a lot, They don't talk at all sometimes and other times they're talking the majority and won't shut up. It really depends on the topic and who they're with. if it's interesting they'll completely listen unless they don't like the person then they're interrupting whenever. It's really all over the place.

47. Who have they forgotten about that remembers them very well? Nascosta remembers people too well, especially people who have rejected her. Which is almost all of their previous relationships. Worse at a certain point they ended up killing those that do leaving a huge gap between people that could have remembered them and current. None of those people would really recognize him at this point though, personality wise or physically. She used to be very, very different when she was a civilian.

48. Who would they say ‘yes’ to if invited to do something they abhorred / strongly didn’t want to do? Yeah you're going to have to be dating him for a yes and even then she's going to to whiiiiiine unless it's something incredibly important to them. If they don't end up enjoying it though they're going to be moody the rest of the night so always choose carefully when doing this.

49. Would they eat something they find gross to be polite? Absolutely not for just anyone. But then again they wouldn't keep quiet either if it was bad for anyone. It's just whether or not they'll spit it out right in front of you, and whether or not they give proper criticism or "This shit sucks". Admittedly though, there's not many overall dishes that she'd actually find bad, it's just if you can prepare them right.

50. What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you (mun) personally don’t agree with? Well given they're a fucking bloodthirsty assassin who loves to watch people struggle in pain. Uh. I would HAVE TO SAY A LOT OF THINGS THERE I WOULD DISAGREE WITH. Like Don't murder people???? that's a good start. we'd be here all day if i kept going.

51. What’s a phrase they say a lot? "It is what it is" Mostly whenever they've pissed someone else off and want to make it worse when they're being accused of doing something.

52. Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting? Depends whether or not they're in the right headspace. Nas likes to have all the information they can have before doing things but it's uncommon they are emotionally capable of doing so.

53. Who would / do they believe without question? Hm, as they grow closer they begin to believe people more and more. There's people who they'll believe with very little questioning, like Mammon and Vittorio. But absolutely without question would once again end up being a romantic partner.

54. What’s their instinct in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn situation? Depends on the trigger. Most triggers will cause a fight reaction, but ones without clear thing to focus on will cause flight(invisible enemy sort of deal), or ones that are genuinely too overwhelming to her forces her to freeze. Fawn is reserved almost always to people they like getting mad at them.

55. What’s something they’re expected to enjoy based on their hobbies / profession that they actually dislike / hate? Good question, most things they like line up with the expectations, more because they would avoid anything they didn't like vehemently, to the point they wouldn't even want to be associated with it.

56. If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear? If they're scared they lash out or isolate or do ANYTHING to hide that they are. They refuse to let anyone comfort them when they're afraid. this doesn't change on type. Even when they trust more they utterly struggle to sit and let someone close during this time.

57. What’s a simple daily activity / motion that they mess up often? Actually eating regularly. Sometimes depending on their mood they may entirely end up missing multiple meals in a day. They try but sometimes their brain won't work with the body.

58. How many hobbies have they attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme? God, they have many, many attempted ones. Things that they thought would make them useful, things that they needed to learn for mimics "just in case". He's a patchwork of other people when it comes to his hobbies.

[God this took all fucking day to do. Worse I had to redo like 3 times cause tumblr is a BITCH and didn't SAVE but we're here.]

[llycaons]

final ch lb reposted bc it's not showing up in the tags???

AUGH THE CHAPTER IS CALLED DUNGEON MESHI. it's simple but I love it when they do that. perfect for dm, which is pared-down in themes but applies itself perfectly to what it wants to say

wow, damn, guess that makes sense, it's so amazing that laios brought so many people together with the simple promise of something that unites all living things - nourishment - and they in turn brought their own food to add to the communal pot. I would have liked to see more exploration of this community-building through food, but this is literally one of the only things I would change about dm it's so impeccable crafted

damn marcille

JESUS LAIOS

aw man, that's genuinely an awful thing to live with. this might be a happy ending, but laios lives with the consequences of his defeat of the demon

this is an actual medical condition too...people can get really sick

celebratory panel!!! ofc senshi is stoic (though without ever being unkind! he's unruffled without being cold) and izu doesn't rly care

sorry but 👀

THIS IS SO FUNNY. senshi being like 'I'm politely staying out of this' and everyone else being like 'yeah there's no way he's that selfless'

damn, what a step for marcille, who was so terrified of losing the people close to her

she's so hot here ugh

OHHH this visual is so cool

mmm tasty! her face says hehe she's so cute I missed her so bad. real babygirl material

yayy!!! and standing up suddenly able to walk, and TAKING the dragon with her??? that's so cute like a little plush

it would have been an interesting ending for her to maybe not recover the use of her legs? ending the story with a disability wouldn't have been a tragedy, and it's been done really well in other stories. like, I'm still me, this is a change that happened because of something I've been through, and it's something to adjust to and keep moving forward with. sorry to bring up tgcf here but sqx's storyline is truly so compelling like she DID that

SHES SO CUTE I CAN'T STAND IT. farlyn are you free friday I can take you to a movie and buy you dinner

really incredible how she's hot in one panel then charming in another then ravenous in the third. her range...

this is such lover behavior <3

AHHH SIBLING LOVE!!

marcille love!!! her legs lmao

😭😭😭 not many stories end this straightforwardly satisfyingly and honestly it's really really nice. a more bittersweet ending or a more 'mature' one might have had farlyn not come back at all a lesson abt death or w/e but fuck that!!

ohhhh sexy

STOP THIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE!!! LOOK HOW HE'S SMILING. CRYING OVER THIS!!! character who barely know each other and have met like once before but will absolutely be friends for life. this might be my favorite panel in the chapter and maybe even series

PEACE AND LOVE ON THE PLANET EARTH

aww she's trying to reach out to izu. she's not someone who warms up to people easily but farlyn is just so lovable and sincere and weird that I can def see a friendship potentially for them

STOP STOP THIS IS SO CUTE. im so glad farlyn didn't get paired off or even god forbid MARRIED to that guy who likes her can you fucking imagine. maybe farcille isn't confirmed but they're real in our hearts and nothing disproves them

damn, pizza? I don't remember that

of course she does!!! she's outgoing and adventurous and loves to eat!

you know this story wouldn't have worked half as well if farlyn wasn't legitimately a charming and lovable character who was easy to get attached to and root for. if they tried going the jerk with a heart of gold route, it would have taken a lot longer and been harder to create sympathy for her. like how cql's appeal rests disproportionately on you liking and rooting for wwx, dungeon meshi's driving plot relied on you WANTING this woman to come back to life, to eat and see her friends and do her magic and get into her weird hobbies. and she's perfect! the writing doesn't rely on one cliched line or scene to get you to realize 'oh they're a good person despite their harsh exterior' to get you to root for her (even tho that's an underutilized technique for writing women), it just presents this oddball and lets you love her. rk is so good at writing women who feel like real people, it's a reason adore marcille - for her awkwardness, her judgement, her readiness to blow things up without thought. she's just a deeply uncool person who's very endearing

not to be a monarchist or anything but this is probably the best they could have gotten given the situation so I'm not going to complain too much. it's not like I read dm for in-depth and realistic political engagement

and this is like the easiest way to be a good leader. just care about your people getting the food they need. that's enough, really. I don't think laios is capable of much more anyway. it's not like he's a politican

also what does the succession line look like? I know he's not having a kid. omg kabru!! his face is so ajshdksad. and yayy marcille and farlyn staying to advise him together!!

oHHH SHIT. thesis statement of the series! also these babies are so fucking cute I can't deal. ik that one of them is a dog person but the other one??? is that an orc??? well take back what I said about just food being important. integration is happening here too - it's clear that laios's kingdom is welcoming of people like orcs who have historically been expelled from other places and violently targeted by other races. idk how he managed that but like, well done, laios!

you know I adore cql but it's such a relief to step into other stories that aren't quite so much about Good (TM ) in a vague and all-encompassing sense and also have characters who aren't laserfocused on one person and who you can envision making connections to and becoming close with other characters 😭 loving lwj is so hard sometimes loving farlyn is so easy always

[kurokoros]

You don't have to answer this bc again, I don't really want to escalate things. But I found the person, and when I saw who is mutuals with them or even liked certain stuff, I was so disappointed, especially in one person who I followed since 2019. They all act like people over 25 are immature for liking certain things or preferring ships over others. Meanwhile, they are the immature ones. And to announce you have chats where you make fun of others isn't grown up either. If you don't like others, just block them, don't make posts for others to join in. I thought tumblr was more chill. Apparently, I lived under a rock. This entire situation is disappointing, and tbh it makes me also feel unsafe. I usually keep to myself anyway because I already have trouble finding my place (a me problem) but now even if I were to post something I feel like people would take it to make fun of me behind my back. Honestly, when I found this out yesterday, something in me shattered, it's like high school over again.

I'm just blown away by everything I managed to dig up yesterday (when I see drama I always check to make sure I'm not following anyone blatantly harassing others + block the person in question if I find them) and dear god everyone involved just seems messy in the worst way.

I'm so incredibly tired of the early 20s crowd acting like their life is over once they hit 25. As I mentioned in a previous post, that mindset is what had me spiraling when I was close to turning 24. I had a breakdown yesterday because I turn 26 in a month and I feel like I don't have my shit together. I'm still trying to work through detangling the toxic mindset of thinking there's an imaginary expiration date on enjoying things. That's not how it works!

And the one argument I keep seeing repeated is "why are you sexualizing these teenage characters??? why are you imagining smut scenarios of them in high school???" Well maybe because most people are well-adjusted enough to separate fiction from reality when the high schooler in question is being played by a nearly 30 year old man. If someone wants to write their exhibitionist fantasy about being fucked in a locker room or bathroom at a party while other people are around, who cares? It's not hurting anyone!

I won't speak much on having private chats to talk about people you don't like, because I've done that in previous fandoms, with the difference being I wasn't openly harassing the people in question, and my friends weren't also friends with whoever we were talking about. It's fine to not get along with certain people. What isn't okay is pretending to be friends with someone that you regularly talk shit about in private.

I've watched a situation exactly like this go down before, and you want to know how it ended? The person at the center of things finally got caught when people started realizing that she was talking shit about them to others. She was talking shit about everyone to everyone else, and it all came out in one massive shit storm that ended with her abandoning her blog and never coming back because she burned all of her bridges and no one was going to tolerate that kind of behavior anymore.

This situation is disappointing. I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. I also don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable in the fandom. It's incredibly draining to be worried about your "friends" talking badly about you to each other. Usually those worries are just a product of anxiety and hold no weight, but after yesterday I don't think I'd trust anyone in the ST fandom to not talk shit about me. And, as you mentioned, this isn't high school anymore. I'm not going to put up with that kind of behavior.

Anon, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me in whatever way you feel comfortable.

[myatuesday]

It's very frustrating when all advice in regard to being burnt out on dating/failed relationships vs dying alone all is just endless loops of women saying to love yourself/be your own best friend and/or to focus on building close female friendships.

Ummm...

Bruh. Honey. Baby. Sweetie. Sweet summer child. I've BEEN my own best friend my entire life. I've spent SO much time with myself, that I'm bored of myself.

That isn't to say I don't love myself. I'm obsessed w myself.

Just Jesus Fucking Christ. Believe it or not, not everyone is profoundly disconnected from self.

"Go to therapy" is the 3rd most popular advice.

Oh, you mean that thing I've been doing for over 20 years.

Like... is it actually possible that BECAUSE we've spent so much time w ourselves, whether that's self care, healing, indulgence, making mistakes, or doing the work, or everything else in btwn, that we've actually done ALL that do death and that's WHY we are wanting a relationship

What a concept

I'm so fucking bored

And life is hard. Period.

I need help.

I'm not a millionaire.

I can't hire a personal nurse. Or a landscaper. Or wtf ever.

Like Idk how to take care of a house.

I can cook and clean and sleep and eat and fuck and paint and plant a tree.

But I've never cleaned a fish or trained a dog or cleaned the fucking gutters. Hell, I've never mowed a lawn.

I wanna decorate and garden and make babies and bake cakes and just sit on the porch and have a fucking drink.

Like

Being my own best friend or not has no real impact on that.

Going to therapy or not, at this point, has no real impact on that.

Having a close group of girlfriends sure as fuck doesn't solve that in any way. Building my relationships w my male friends would benefit me, if anything.

I just don't understand what reality people live in.

I mean, it's obviously very different than mine.

And also certainly seems to lack just basic logic and practicality.

I mean, ffs. My grandfather died alone because he was a bachelor. Period.

We could've and should've been there. But mom was busy dying of cancer and I was busy trying to figure my own shit out. [Edit: Oh this is the fun part where I brain fart that I have cancer, despite cancer being probably where 50% of my FML freak out is stemming from in the first fucking place. There's just so many catastrophes, it's hard to keep up. But, you know, I'm sure being my own best friend would solve all that for me. *eye roll*]

But if he had a partner, he'd probably be alive as we speak. He at least wouldn't have been dead alone in his home for a week before anyone discovered him FFS.

In what way was therapy supposed to save him from that? Or being his own best friend?

I suppose having a group of friends could've maybe played some role. That's fair.

But who's fucking single?

All my girl "friends" are married.

I have literally no friends locally.

My best bet is relying on single guy friends, both locally and at home.

But... idk

I just hate how short sighted and unrealistic or overly simplistic or presumptuous or whatever people seem to be.

If I hear that "be your own best friend" thing one more time, I'm gonna kill someone. You know.

Like, bitch. Stop projecting.

The reason I'm tripping is because I AM and HAVE been my own best friend. For a long goddamn time. And realize it's not enough.

Please and thank you.

Your advice sucks.

(Not that I'm asking for advice. I just see this advice all the fucking time in this dumb as fuck women's group I'm in w all these seemingly vapid fucking jaded man-hating idiots. And they all say the same shit to eachother like a broken record)

I don't want more female friendships.

Honestly, one good female friend is probably enough.

What the fuck can a woman do for me that I can't do for myself?

The most important female friend of my adult life died.

All my other friends are fucking married.

Wtf am I supposed to do with that?

I mean, converting to Judaism will give me something to do (as in to occupy myself) while also giving my life some meaning. So there is that.

But that still doesn't give me anyone to pick me up from the hospital or make me hot tea when I'm sick or reach shit on the top shelf or know why the toilet is being weird or wtf ever.

Just BASIC yet really goddamn crucial important shit that people take for granted.

I don't even really want love anymore. I don't think about love. I sure AF don't care about sex.

I care about a functioning life and a functioning household. And having all the moving parts to make shit work.

And, yeah, I'd love to not die alone.

And I don't mean the moment of death.

I mean the slowness of death. The dying that starts the moment we're born. The eventuality of death always being there around the corner. And all the moments leading up to it.

Alone in dying. Just the same as alone in living.

It's not shameful to want to share your fucking life with someone. It doesn't mean you're goddamn lacking self anything. It means heaven forbid that just maybe you want something outside yourself, because you don't want to live with your head in your own asshole, number one. And two, that you realize that you can not do all things. In 100 years no man or woman could possibly do all things. And we're going to need someone to help us do SOMETHING. For Fucks Fucking Sake.

Stop saying trite bullshit to eachother and sure AF to me. That does NOTHING to remedy the situation nor even come close to meaningful advice as to how to handle actually living and surviving the course of your fucking life.

You're all full of shit.

And if your biggest issue is learning to be your own best friend, I don't even know what to say to that. Wtf did you spend the last XYZ years of your life doing? And how interesting can you possibly be that spending the next XYZ years w yourself is enough for you?

That's a helluva ego to think that's the be all end all solution for all of our problems in life. Sucking your own dick?

Um ok. Good luck w that.

Where the fuck does that leave someone like me?

I can't comment on any of these questions because I'm 99% sure I'm literally just killing myself within the next year if I don't secure an actual real life partner or child. And I'm still pretty sure a life partner isn't going to do anything honestly but fucking annoy me if I'm just stuck w them forever, without something else to do. Like idk, raise a kid. Or two.

If someone can make their life worth living (and not just worth living, but livable. As in have the ability to care for themselves and their home and all their hierarchy of needs) by simply owning a dog and being their own best friend, more power to them.

Do we have any evidence this is realistic at all? Much less possible for a female?

I would really like to see the data. Or even an anecdotal example. Truly.

Because ime even truly capable self-assured able-bodied full grown [single] men die alone w no one to care for them or even discover their bodies. Only to get buried in a pine box without a fucking eulogy or proper obit.

But go off, I guess.

A bunch of gashes running at the mouth helping no one.

[engagedtobefree]

The past several days have been a whirlwind of emotion. I started with disbelief that quickly blossomed into grief, that then even more quickly bottomed out into rage, that then softly melted into emptiness. Then the cycle repeated. Now I am here and I don't know what shifted, but somehow I balanced myself out.

It's like I'm sitting here and I'm pulling the dagger out, the dagger that I had my hands on, the dagger that someone else had their hands on too, and it hurts. It does, it fucking hurts. There's a lot of blood, it's all mine, but the wound has been cauterized. I've stopped bleeding. Now there's just the wound to take care of.

I've been reeling. I've been trying to pinpoint the place that hurts the most, then I realize that the wound is everywhere. It's all over me. The wound is so big that maybe I am the entire wound.

For a long time in my life, whenever someone hurt me, I'd also hurt myself in turn. Doing that almost killed me. I have worked really hard at walking away from punishing myself unnecessarily, and I've come a really long way. I don't hurt myself like that anymore. When someone hurts me, I can defend myself better now, or even cut them loose, or at the very minimum work on healing myself rather than hurt myself further. But there are still times where I'm complicit in allowing someone to hurt me. I am kind, hopeful, empathetic, and naively trusting even when I try to have my guard up around everyone I meet. It's like finding that soft spot on the belly of the beast; I have my weaknesses and I don't know for sure but, I think that they might be plainly out there for others to see. They know where to stab. They know what would hurt me the most. Then they take that lunge and jab.

I wrote in one of my fits of rage: I want payback, I want it to hurt. But I don't. I could never do that to anyone. I want to nurse myself back to health after this. I don't want to be like any of the people who have wronged me, who have hurt me in cruel and senseless ways. I can point out all the wounds and scars, and you can ask me how many I've avenged. I'll point to none. I'll drop my hands. I'm soft, I'm sensitive, I'm a very vulnerable type of person, even if I don't always come across that way in real life. But one thing I'm not is broken beyond any sort of repair. Pieces break off and I put them back on, and it doesn't always look great, but I put them back nonetheless. The pain changes me, morphs me into this new creature that I have to get re-acquainted with, and then in the end, I see the beauty. I see that putting myself back together has been the best decision I could ever make. That the hurt and the pain and all of the shit has never made me throw those pieces at someone else in a vile attempt at revenge. I rage and it lasts a day or a few days, then I allow the real feeling of grief to take over. I don't like it, but I'd rather be hurt than doing the hurting. It's become apparent to me recently that not everyone is like this. Some people let the pain harden them or they go out and they hurt others in turn. I always assume the best of people, but I have to recognize that not everyone wants to be or do better, they just expect it of others. I never want to turn into that type of person.

It's very strange how I've arrived to this place of wanting to heal after only a few days. I think in some way, that has to be a testament to how much work I've already done in the past. The thing happens, I feel it as deeply as I can right afterwards, and then I put on my work boots and get to work.

Honestly, as much as my life has felt really shitty since the new year has began, I kind of needed this wake-up call. I needed the push. I needed someone I trusted to betray my trust because I have been overly-focused on that aspect in my life. Not just the trusting, but the other people. I observe people a lot, I observe interactions as they are taking place, I look for any details, I play it all back later. I look for what it tells me about myself. I look for how it can make me better myself, how I can show up better. But sometimes I look too hard out into the world and not enough within myself. I look for the answers and solutions in other people, and it's not there. It's never going to be there. Then my progress gets stifled because I forgot to apply the changes I wanted to make because I started focusing too much outwardly again. I've been slowly realizing that but haven't been able to make that shift fully until now. I needed the hurt and the misplaced trust because I haven't been trusting myself. I've been hurting myself by doubting myself and by not turning inward as often as I should. I'm changing that now.

This is a time I need to retreat. I need to be quiet and listen to myself and myself only. I'm looking at all of these people and situations in life, some more than others, and trying to figure out what everything means and it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I want to take off those observation glasses and simply look now. Just see people as they are and allow them to show up in all of their messy ways just like I do. That doesn't mean I'm going to tolerate being treated poorly, but I can at least stop trying so hard to figure out whether I can trust someone or not. The answers don't lie in my overthinking. I have to stop focusing on what other people are doing, what they're giving, how they're communicating, what they're being clear on, how they're showing up. I need to focus on giving my 100%, what I'm doing, what I'm giving, how I'm communicating, what I'm being clear on, how I'm showing up. I need to stay soft, but I also need to open. The outside stuff at this point matters less than anything else ever could. What I need I already have. What I'm looking for is already here. I have to keep reaching towards it, and one day, someone somewhere is going to reach back towards the same thing, and I know this will all be worth it.