myatuesday

[myatuesday]

At this point, I simply don't see any outcome that doesn't end in suicide.

Not that I ever really did.

But, now, more than ever.

-

The only thing stopping me from doing it today. Right now. Right this fucking second, which I so desperately want to do.

Is duty. Duty and duty alone.

-

My life doesn't even matter anymore.

Not that I have one.

-

And, at some point, I think I stopped even caring about that.

-

The only record that plays in my head 24fucking7 is what happened today. How it never should've fucking happened. And what in the fuck am I going to do about it?

And, in this exact moment, I think...

If I can't settle it in court,

I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to lose

In settling it by any means necessary.

Absolutely fucking nothing.

ANY MEANS NECESSARY

-

There's no fucking way I'm not settling this. Quite literally over my dead body.

Cause they sure AF didn't give a fuck about hers.

And somebody goddamn has to

-

Now...

Sigh

I'm gonna take some xanax and try not to blow up a fucking hospital

Because I am grieving

And I am

FURIOUS

[myatuesday]

Just watched an old, shit video of Nirvana playing SLTS, back before they were known, and started crying.

Then it occurred to me...

I've spent my whole life chasing death

I made it into a lifestyle

An integral part of my personality

It only makes sense

That inevitably

The time would come

For death to turn

And chase me

[myatuesday]

I feel like it's important to note

Half the time I feel like

I'm just waiting to

Kill myself

Until the house is sold

And

Mom's estate is totally settled

So I can feel like I did my part

I did the right thing

And, now that I lost my life, in every way but heart failure and complete loss of brain activity, in the process...

I can check out guilty free

-

Because I'm EXHAUSTED

And this entire process has left me with absolutely fucking nothing anyway

-

It's really all the fuck I think about

The sweet release of death

But only after all my "chores" are done, of course.

[myatuesday]

This is one of the most important things I've ever read. And couldn't come at a better time in my life.

[myatuesday]

What I did do is fuck my ex.

I just needed to make it go away.

These pangs. Wanting so badly to say things that... Idk when they're appropriate to say. If we'll ever... meet again.

Idk. Idk what the actual fuck.

Sigh

So... I had a movie hang planned w my ex anyway. We have been 100% platonic since I broke it off, before I ever even got back to town. No sex. No flirting. Limited hangs. Limited communication.

I mean... we've made out a couple times when we've been drinking or whatever. But that's as far as it went. As far as I've allowed it to go.

I don't want him. I don't miss him.

I don't care.

I'm basically cordial. That's kindof the extent of it.

But I'd agreed to go see this movie with him before we ever broke up. And last night was the night.

-

My mind has been full of all these thoughts of Carter. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm anxious. I'm frustrated. I'm confused AF.

I just needed to turn it all off.

-

SC was super sweet and happy, for once.

Which NEVER fucking happens.

We actually held hands on the theater. Which rarely RARELY happened (like 2x in 7 years) when we were dating.

It was nice.

Not... I'm in love with you

Not... I wanna get back together

Just nice. I've spent 7 years w you and I'm glad we can come see a movie and not hate eachother nice. That's it.

-

He's gonna take me home (I actually let him drive, which, again, happens almost never. Maybe 2x a year).

He was gonna just drop me off.

Instead, I tell him to pull off somewhere.

But, the truth is, I always knew before I left the house I may fuck him tonight.

Something in me was just open to the idea.

We haven't fucked since January.

I haven't fucked since January.

-

I'm not even horny.

I just need to get under someone to get over someone. At least for the night.

The fact I'm getting under my very recent ex, of 7 years, to get over the dude who's been emotionally breadcrumbing me for a fucking decade, is maybe a twist no one saw coming. Myself included. But it is what it is.

-

So... yeah. We move from the truck to the house. We hook up.

While we're fucking he's kissing me and telling me how much he misses me... and it's nice.

Not nice like I want him back.

Not nice like... I'm gonna let this fuck up all my progress.

But nice.

-

Am I gonna do it again?

I'm pretty fucking sure, yeah.

Do I still miss Carter and did what was meant to be a temporary solution only work temporarily?

Oh hell yeah.

I have a pang in my gut as we speak.

And no fucking idea wtf to do with it.

-

That's fucking life

[myatuesday]

Like... I just wanna pack your lunch.

I wanna make you breakfast in the fucking morning.

What the fuck are we doing?

He called me yesterday morning at like 5am-ish otw to work. But not before sending me a pic of his morning coffee and sad little bowl of oatmeal.

Sigh

We talked about fucking nothing.

Mostly his car, and car insurance, and his job. And water quality.

I have no fucking idea if he still has a gf or not. He said, kindof under his breath, that the last few days have been really strange.

Aaand... that's the extent of it.

-

Last night, I text him to say it was nice to talk and goodnight, basically.

And that was that.

-

I'm screaming inside.

I'm frustrated. And it hurts.

And I just really need answers.

[myatuesday]

If I could say anything, I think I'd just say...

I love you. And I really fucking miss you.

I think about you all the time.

What happened?

I thought we were going to get married.

Then you just... disappeared. For reasons I don't understand.

I don't even care anymore about then.

I just need to know what we're doing NOW.

Is anything EVER coming from this?

Or... is it just time to truly move on?

And stop coming back to eachother over and over and over again?

Or... did we actually mean all the things we said? (I did)

I don't want this to be over.

But I'm not getting any younger. And neither are you.

If this is something we both want, what the fuck are we doing?

I love you. I want this.

If you don't, leave me the fuck alone and let me move on with my life.

Stop making me think there's any remote possibility that this is anything more than a one night stand that lasted 10 years too long

Sigh

-

I could've died a happy woman having one night with him

Or spending the rest of my life reliving that night for the next 50 years.

But all the bullshit in between is just that. Bullshit.

What the fuck is this?

[myatuesday]

This motherfucker makes me crazy. Not crazy like... crazy-crazy. Not BPD episode crazy. Just

Sigh

Well, this was our recent interaction. Today. (Note the dates)

Was there any conclusion?

OF FUCKING COURSE NOT.

-

When he called before. Whenever before was. Sometime this year. He told me he took awhile to get back to me after my snap (in Seattle) because he has a girlfriend now. Yadda yadda. But we should get together to talk about everything (everything being, oh idk, the fact we were supposed to get married ... up until he abruptly dumped me at 10am on a Tuesday, because I'm "not a morning person" then we just never spoke again).

We haven't.

-

This is the thing -

I bought a wedding dress.

I've been proposed to several times by now. I've had a ring on my finger TWICE.

I've purchased a dress exactly ZERO times. Until Carter.

For whatever the fuck that is worth.

-

He could just say

We are never ever getting back together.

But he doesn't.

And I could just move on.

But I don't.

Why?

Because every fucking time I start to make peace with the past (or the future or lack thereof) he pops back up.

Whether it's to date me again for 6 months and disappear for another 3 years. Rinse repeat.

Or to just call out of the blue then leave me twisting in the wind...

He's the wound in my mouth that never heals because I can't stop tonguing it.

-

It's been a fucking DECADE.

A goodamn fucking decade.

-

What the fuck are we doing?

I texted Carter during Astra Lumina

I just sat down right then and there and said "fuck it".

I experienced something so beautiful it made me cry, and he was who I thought of in that moment.

I, vulnerably, explained this. And he left me on fucking read.

Sooo... there's that.

____

Update: Well, he ended up texting me afterall. It was just... not exactly on par with my sentiment. Not bad. But not... sigh. Not what I'd hoped. But what is?

[myatuesday]

I can sit here and dwell and regret I stayed in my shitty relationship for so long. But, I need to not. Because, the truth is, the outcome would've been the same either way. I just would've been single longer. That relationship held me back from nothing. Other than happiness.

The real regret is staying in Portland so long. Because this is not the city to form long term relationships.

But, it's not like I didn't try to leave. Many times. The universe just KEPT pulling me back here and/or forcing me to stay. It's currently unclear why. It kindof feels like... a punishment. But maybe one day I'll understand.

[myatuesday]

There's just this darkness.

There's BEEN a pervasive feeling of darkness for about a decade now.

It's just that it's getting worse and worse. It feels shrouded and like the walls are steadily closing in.

No amount of supplements or sunlight or fresh air seem to be helping.

You can't escape a force outside yourself working against you and society as a whole.

I'm just curious if ANYONE is still experiencing a "normal" life at all?

I wouldn't consider myself currently suicidal necessarily. I just... don't really want to do this shit anymore. Be in this realm of existence. It's so fucking dark. And it's exhausting as Hell.

The fact I spent the better half of a decade believing I was already dead is telling to my... state.

Fuck this, you know.

I'm no longer sure what I'm even working towards. It all just feels like an endless tunnel and the only light at the end seems to be the relief of death. I would fucking hope anyway.

----

Edit: I know what I'm trying to work towards. It just... never comes. It's the cheese dangling above and I'm on the hamster wheel trying to get to it.

[myatuesday]

This place is so fucking depressing.

I just spent 2 months back home and on the road, analyzing every choice I've ever made in my life.

And now I'm just back here in this PIT.

It's only been a few days and it's already trying to swallow me whole.

It's not Portland so much as it's very specifically this apartment.

I hate it and I HAVE to get out.

[myatuesday]

A couple things happened today

1. I keep seeing posts in memories of all these little things NY did when we were together. And realize, no, he wasn't the best boyfriend in many ways. But he was much more thoughtful and attentive than my current SO who... also isn't exactly the greatest. NY fell short in taking me out, at times, I have to emphasize at times, wheras that's all SC does (granted, unlike NY, he NEVER plans any of them. Ever. Never.) But NY definitely was big on the little things, wheras SC doesn't do shit. He doesn't do shit even when he should, much less "just because". No "I'm in the neighborhood", "I saw this and thought of you", "I'm coming with food be ready", whatever. That doesn't exist here.

Part of it helps me realize why I dated NY for so long. (In addition to the reasons I already knew)

The other part makes me continue to question wtf I'm doing here. This guy does NOTHING for me, apart from pick up the check @ dinner. That's it. Where it stops and starts.

2. I just took some Love Blossom (er something.) test (that I didn't read the results of because they cost money), hoping I'd get insight into... idk. My current relationship. Ways to talk to SC about what I need. Maybe him take it and see where we differ.

Instead, it made realize why Carter and I work the way we do and/or why I'm so happy with him (minus this last time). Annnd it made me start crying. Not about me and SC but about Carter, of course.

I really fucking miss him. Not just miss him, I want what he promised me. This time last year, we were getting fucking married. Now... he's with some new girl he barely knows but "it's serious and he's trying to make it work". Sigh. Ok. Not sure why exactly. Or why the fuck it all the sudden didn't work with me. But ok

That's all.

Just... not even food for thought really.

Mostly just shit to hurt my fucking feelings and remind me of everything I don't have anymore.

_

While I'm on the topic, I got bored and texted another guy yesterday. SC disappeared for hours, like he always does (supposedly sleeping). Annnd. Yeah. Idk. I was bored and wanted attention and he wasn't there. And I knew exactly who would be and he was.

Now, all we did was text. He asked me to come over and cuddle. And when I said I didn't feel good, he said he could just hold me. Sigh. But I didn't do it.

But, you know, once again reminded of everything I'm missing currently. Forcing a star into a square peg. Over and over and over again.

And the fucked up thing is, SC and I are fine right now. But that's all we are is "fine". And we're "fine" because I'm settling for the bare minimum again just to keep the peace.

I don't think I even realized how much I hate it (atm) until I realized how much better it COULD be. And SHOULD be.

Sigh.

I'm just so fucking bored. And unfulfilled. And don't feel loved. Or even really liked half the time. It's a whole lot of nothing.

[myatuesday]

I talked to my therapist today. I initially started crying, which happens very rarely in session. I just hate this topic.

She was very... idk... attentive and supportive and reassuring about the courage and self care it took to come to her.

BUT she said she's not trained in ED at all and wants to refer me out to someone who can better assist.

I told her I didn't think I was ready to open pandoras box like that, basically. That's a little too real for me.

So she just agreed to basically check in and hold me accountable, but depending how things go, we may need to revisit the ED referral.

So that's a lot. That's heavy.

I'm doing ok. It's just a daily struggle and... I'll have to figure it out. That's all I can do.

But the fact I care, rather than just giving into my worst impulses, is growth and progress.

[myatuesday]

Well, I knew it was bound to happen. And trying to diet like a normal person is starting to... turn into something else. Or at least the urge for it to is there. And it's getting really hard to regulate.

I'm crying just typing this because I wish I could ever just do anything like a healthy, normal person without going to extremes.

Even just my skincare adjustments went from adding in a couple things to turning into an obsession, consuming hours of my time and a not so insignificant amounts of my money. It could be worse, but... it's a pattern.

The fine line between wellness and something the polar opposite of wellness, mentally, is a very fine fucking line. And I struggle like fucking Hell walking that line.

And the most fucked up part about the ED shit is... just how it's such an invisible struggle nobody would believe anyway. Not unless they are extremely close to me and pay very close attention. And instead, everyone thinks I'm some fucking hog at a trough, eating my weight in idk fast food and twinkies. When, instead, I'm looking in the mirror and staring at the clock and thinking "oh, fuck I still haven't eaten" and more hours go by and you just keep letting it go. And you know what you're doing but you can't stop doing it. And it feels good and it feels bad all at the same time. But it's also this extremely familiar feeling. And there's something comforting about it. To be in control, to push your body, to... go to extremes to meet a goal. To know this path WILL work, because it always works. And how good it feels. Even when it feels bad. And vice versa. It's like a competition with yourself. It's like a dare. And a secret. And a secret where... you are winning. Because in the end, you'll look great, even if fucking kills you.

So far, I'm doing ok in the end. It's definitely absolutely to the point where I'm having to force myself to eat. And hate it. Ugh. Last night was awful.

But, there's... putting off eating because you're depressed or your ADHD makes you not gaf. And eventually forcing yourself to eat. But that's more about motivation issue. That's whatever. That's just... life with depression and ADHD.

This is... the opposite. It's all about motivation. It is all about focus and control. And it feels totally different. And it's exhilarating and exhausting all at the same time.

Annnd... now that I have Adderall it's...

Fuck me, you know. This is where it all started. And this is what feels... it just feels so good and so bad all at once. And I want it. I want it real bad. To just... let go and let it take over.

I hit some point yesterday where it just felt right. And it felt like I was home again. Home in that deeply disordered side of me, where all this started.

I mean, going from bed rotting for the last year... or decade. To... whatever the fuck this is, again. It feels good. Of course it feels good.

Idk what to do. I'm literally fantasizing about extreme work outs and how many days until my collar bones pop and... how far I can push it and how much I can lose. And all the fucking things.

Sigh.

I didn't even really realize until last night that maybe the skincare thing is getting out of hand.

And then when I finally made myself eat. And sleep. And stop working on this house.

So... I AM still eating. As of now. Maybe less than I should some days. But I'm trying. And I think I'm doing a good job.

It's just this inner voice. This inner guide. This person looking back at me when I look in the mirror. Daring me to do what I ultimately do best, once I'm finally motivated to do anything at all.

Idk what I'm going to do with this yet.

I think it really started once I realized I lost weight.

And when I realized the skincare was actually kindof working.

I'm one of those people who doesn't really become motivated until I see results. And then it's like, oh, well... if I can do that, I can do this. And I can do it harder and faster and better.

This is why I don't diet. Why I can't diet.

Why I stopped. And got fat. And... I was just trying to be healthy and happy (well you know what I mean). Normal. Whatever. And do this the right way. Just live my life.

But then, I gained all that weight last winter. And I just wanted to get healthier. I DO want to get healthier.

And, kindof ironically, when you're this fat, you actually have to lose A LOT of weight before you can even do certain healthy things. And once you lose X amount of weight, doing things to maintain that weight are much easier.

It's just really hard to get from A to B. And extreme behavior is a faster shortcut.

And I just want to get THERE.

And feel like, once I'm there, everything can be normal again. And THEN I can be healthy and do things the healthy way.

Idk. Idk what's normal anymore.

I mean, I saw this post on Facebook earlier this week.

And everyone's doing intermittent fasting

(meanwhile, I'm thinking, we'll I'm always intermittently fasting. Even when I'm not on a diet. ADHD/depression is a pretty quick recipe for inadvertent meal skipping for sure. The only thing that's really changed is the mindset.)

Idk. It just seems we're back in this weight-obsessed era again. Ozempic and fasting and all this bullshit.

Nobody is eating anymore. I'm not fucking special. Why the fuck should I? Or why is there anything unique about me if I don't?

And... is what everyone's saying true? Are we NOT supposed to be eating? Should we only be eating once a day? Or only once every 72 hrs (that's the latest I've been seeing)?

I don't even know the difference between an eating disorder or a health craze or medical revolution anymore.

Idk. Maybe I'll talk to my therapist.

I'm supposed to talk to my new Dr about going on Ozempic in a couple weeks. They're making it into this big, holistic thing. Idk what their angle is going to be yet exactly. But I sure AF can't tell them all this. Or they won't put me on it. And I'm sure the reason they're being so weird about to anyway is because history of ED is in my chart.

But, the thing is, if I can get on Ozempic and it work. Quickly. All this will be over. I can just jump to the healthy and be done. (Not done. But I know what I mean.)

Idk. I can't talk to anybody about this.

SC may eventually notice, depending how it goes. We're supposed to have dinner tonight and I've already been nervous for days about what to eat.

It's whatever. I'll figure it out.

Just noticed this... sort of swelling up the past couple weeks. And really started hitting hard the last couple days.

I just had to say something. I'm sure I'll work it out.

The fact is, I'm still eating. So... thoughts and impulses and... potentially falling into old habits are just that, thus far. I've pushed. But... so far, so good, actually.

So... it's just one day at a time now. (As trite and disgusting as that is to say)

Wtfever. At least I'm taking supplements. But that's a whole other conversation. If I had the money, that would be more out of hand too. I'm taking about 20 as it is. They're working tho. It's not a bad thing. But... that fine line is always creeping in... with everything.

I'll be fine.

[myatuesday]

I posted a photo of myself w No Filter on social media. For the first time in years, I'm sure.

I kept passing out at dinner last night. Well, drinks, really. A drink. But that's not why.

I'm passing out all the time now. I'm napping all over.

I slept in the park because I couldn't drive home. Heels, push up bra, fur coat, the whole thing.

[myatuesday]

I texted Carter during Astra Lumina

I just sat down right then and there and said "fuck it".

I experienced something so beautiful it made me cry, and he was who I thought of in that moment.

I, vulnerably, explained this. And he left me on fucking read.

Sooo... there's that.

____

Update: Well, he ended up texting me afterall. It was just... not exactly on par with my sentiment. Not bad. But not... sigh. Not what I'd hoped. But what is?

[myatuesday]

Toxic relationships with someone with a damaged amygdala are a fucking TRIP.

I'm exhausted.

But also... at this point, can't help but be amused and bewildered...

At the other dimensions of reality this motherfucker lives in, while he sits upon his thrown of audacity.