#seeing everything and everyone as a mirror instead of an obstacle is literally so freeing

[engagedtobefree]

The past several days have been a whirlwind of emotion. I started with disbelief that quickly blossomed into grief, that then even more quickly bottomed out into rage, that then softly melted into emptiness. Then the cycle repeated. Now I am here and I don't know what shifted, but somehow I balanced myself out.

It's like I'm sitting here and I'm pulling the dagger out, the dagger that I had my hands on, the dagger that someone else had their hands on too, and it hurts. It does, it fucking hurts. There's a lot of blood, it's all mine, but the wound has been cauterized. I've stopped bleeding. Now there's just the wound to take care of.

I've been reeling. I've been trying to pinpoint the place that hurts the most, then I realize that the wound is everywhere. It's all over me. The wound is so big that maybe I am the entire wound.

For a long time in my life, whenever someone hurt me, I'd also hurt myself in turn. Doing that almost killed me. I have worked really hard at walking away from punishing myself unnecessarily, and I've come a really long way. I don't hurt myself like that anymore. When someone hurts me, I can defend myself better now, or even cut them loose, or at the very minimum work on healing myself rather than hurt myself further. But there are still times where I'm complicit in allowing someone to hurt me. I am kind, hopeful, empathetic, and naively trusting even when I try to have my guard up around everyone I meet. It's like finding that soft spot on the belly of the beast; I have my weaknesses and I don't know for sure but, I think that they might be plainly out there for others to see. They know where to stab. They know what would hurt me the most. Then they take that lunge and jab.

I wrote in one of my fits of rage: I want payback, I want it to hurt. But I don't. I could never do that to anyone. I want to nurse myself back to health after this. I don't want to be like any of the people who have wronged me, who have hurt me in cruel and senseless ways. I can point out all the wounds and scars, and you can ask me how many I've avenged. I'll point to none. I'll drop my hands. I'm soft, I'm sensitive, I'm a very vulnerable type of person, even if I don't always come across that way in real life. But one thing I'm not is broken beyond any sort of repair. Pieces break off and I put them back on, and it doesn't always look great, but I put them back nonetheless. The pain changes me, morphs me into this new creature that I have to get re-acquainted with, and then in the end, I see the beauty. I see that putting myself back together has been the best decision I could ever make. That the hurt and the pain and all of the shit has never made me throw those pieces at someone else in a vile attempt at revenge. I rage and it lasts a day or a few days, then I allow the real feeling of grief to take over. I don't like it, but I'd rather be hurt than doing the hurting. It's become apparent to me recently that not everyone is like this. Some people let the pain harden them or they go out and they hurt others in turn. I always assume the best of people, but I have to recognize that not everyone wants to be or do better, they just expect it of others. I never want to turn into that type of person.

It's very strange how I've arrived to this place of wanting to heal after only a few days. I think in some way, that has to be a testament to how much work I've already done in the past. The thing happens, I feel it as deeply as I can right afterwards, and then I put on my work boots and get to work.

Honestly, as much as my life has felt really shitty since the new year has began, I kind of needed this wake-up call. I needed the push. I needed someone I trusted to betray my trust because I have been overly-focused on that aspect in my life. Not just the trusting, but the other people. I observe people a lot, I observe interactions as they are taking place, I look for any details, I play it all back later. I look for what it tells me about myself. I look for how it can make me better myself, how I can show up better. But sometimes I look too hard out into the world and not enough within myself. I look for the answers and solutions in other people, and it's not there. It's never going to be there. Then my progress gets stifled because I forgot to apply the changes I wanted to make because I started focusing too much outwardly again. I've been slowly realizing that but haven't been able to make that shift fully until now. I needed the hurt and the misplaced trust because I haven't been trusting myself. I've been hurting myself by doubting myself and by not turning inward as often as I should. I'm changing that now.

This is a time I need to retreat. I need to be quiet and listen to myself and myself only. I'm looking at all of these people and situations in life, some more than others, and trying to figure out what everything means and it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I want to take off those observation glasses and simply look now. Just see people as they are and allow them to show up in all of their messy ways just like I do. That doesn't mean I'm going to tolerate being treated poorly, but I can at least stop trying so hard to figure out whether I can trust someone or not. The answers don't lie in my overthinking. I have to stop focusing on what other people are doing, what they're giving, how they're communicating, what they're being clear on, how they're showing up. I need to focus on giving my 100%, what I'm doing, what I'm giving, how I'm communicating, what I'm being clear on, how I'm showing up. I need to stay soft, but I also need to open. The outside stuff at this point matters less than anything else ever could. What I need I already have. What I'm looking for is already here. I have to keep reaching towards it, and one day, someone somewhere is going to reach back towards the same thing, and I know this will all be worth it.

[daisybeewrites]

Academy Blues — Prologue

word count: 1.8k

warnings: not any for this chapter

ship: Dousy, background Fitzsimmons and Philinda

okay y’all.. here it is. the first installment of my first LONG TERM SERIES!!!!!! ahhhh i’m so excited. literally i cant wait to continue this and see where it takes me. i have an idea and a few different planning sheets, but honestly i have no idea where exactly this will end up. i love each and single one of you <3 thank you for reading!! this is also posted on Ao3, and linked in the masterlist.

Daisy hated the sound of the bells at The Academy. Screeching, awful, way too loud, the bells were the bane of her existence. They all wore standard-issue watches from the lab that monitored vitals and gave them reminders, and also told the time, for god’s sake! Fitz had even modified hers so that she could play snake on the tiny watch face! There was no need for the bells to be so excruciatingly disruptive. Though, Daisy guessed, there were many things more tortuous than bells ringing every hour and fifteen minutes.

Daisy slowed to a jog, cutting her morning run short. The bright side to being a third-year was that you chose your schedule, for the most part, and that meant Daisy had a free first period for four out of five days of classes. She usually spent this free period getting an extra hour in at the gym, boxing or sparring with Mack or Bobbi, two fourth years that had reluctantly taken her under their wings, or sleeping in. She reserved sleeping in for especially rough nights where visions of ashes and earthquakes and lightning returned time and time again, no matter how many deep breaths she took or sheep she counted.

But this morning was not one of those mornings. She had been up before sunrise, a little before her usual alarm and silently headed out of her dorm for a run. It was humid this time of year on most Virginia mornings, but never so hot that it made Daisy feel as if she was being smothered. The cooler air chilled her sweaty skin, her chest rising and falling as she jogged up the three flights of steps to the second years’ dorms. Down one long hallway, and she arrived at her room.

Daisy had been given her own room at the start of last year, complete with poly-adaptic-proto-whatever panels, which she had painted a pastel shade of purple, to compliment the greens of her cacti and the dark purples and blacks of everything else in her room. Even May had agreed that the stark white was too ”psych wing” for a bedroom. Daisy was grateful for the space, but considering the panels and the private room were only necessary since...

She shuddered. Grabbing her shower caddy, Daisy set off to the bathroom at the opposite end of the hall, hoping no one else was spending a free first period at the dorms.

Her shoulder-length waves were wet from bouncing against her neck, and starting to become annoying now that the sweat had dried and was starting to itch. Picking the white tiled shower furthest away from the door, Daisy quickly turned the water on, checked the temperature, pulled her sports bra and shorts off and hopped into the shower. Shampoo, condition, soap body, rinse. Checking her watch, Daisy found that she had showered in record time, less than three minutes. After spending another five just enjoying the hot water, she hopped out and changed into her class clothes.

Dark purple leggings, Coulson’s grey vintage SHIELD tee and a pair of white running sneakers she had “borrowed” from Jemma completed her look. Passing the mirrors, Daisy tried not to glance at herself. If her hair was messy or her undereye bags a bit too dark, she didn’t want to know. Instead, she headed back to her room to pack her bag for the day.

SHIELD-issued laptop, extra hard drives and a charger, Advanced CS 3: Ethical Hacking: Theory and Application, Advanced CS 4: Secrets of The Coding Languages, Physics notebook, an essay that was three days late on some boring book about international laws, and her sparring gear were all thrown into the black bag. She gave a second glance at the Russian notebooks Bobbi had loaned to her, promising that she’d learn without taking the class. Oh well, she still had all of this term to start. Plus, would she ever really need more than the dirty words?

One look at the alarm clock that sat on her dark hardwood night table showed that she still had almost forty-five minutes before she had to be in the computer lab. Sitting down on her bed, Daisy ran a hand over the grey blanket May had given her.

Daisy’s relationship with May and Coulson had been something of a problem with other students when she first got here. Some had been okay with the obvious paternal love Coulson showed for Daisy, showing her around and checking up on her, scheduling lunch dates and reminding her of tests. May was more subtle, texting her links to tai chi videos when she noticed Daisy getting too stressed or letting Daisy do her own thing if she saw that she was overwhelmed. Of course, none of the other students knew her family history, what she had gone through just to realize that May and Coulson were more her parents than her biological father and mother could ever be. She would see them later today—May during field training and Coulson in between lectures in the canteen.

Daisy walked over to her window to open her blinds, staring out at the campus she had grown to love. The large brick buildings scattered around acres of the Virginia countryside; green fields meant for physical activities like sparring or obstacle courses, or simply basking in the weather to study or chat; the dorms—red brick and concrete melded together to upgrade and expand the charming style of previously-built homes.

Grabbing a protein bar, Daisy headed to the canteen to make a green smoothie (and maybe snatch a cup of joe before she had to listen to an hour-long lecture on the reason SHIELD must cooperate with the UN’s stupid rules at 7:30 in the morning). Smelling the pines and morning dew surrounding her, she smiled slightly. Maybe this term wouldn’t be so bad.

———————————————————————

Daniel Sousa was a man of honor. He was a man of great strength. Agent Daniel Sousa, previously Officer Daniel Sousa in the US Army, was a man who could fix his damn alarm clock on his own.

Just, not today. Or the day before.

So, Agent Daniel Sousa was now hurrying his way to class at The SHIELD Academy, books in hand and gym bag slung over his shoulders. Catching a glance at himself in the shiny glass doors of the bio-chem building, he groaned. He hadn’t even brushed his hair. And, looking down, he discovered he was wearing two different shoes.

This is the college experience everyone raves about, he thought bitterly. You see, Daniel Sousa had enlisted to the army straight out of high school, forgoing university. He climbed the ranks impressively quickly, earning his place as second-in-command and reconnaissance scout in the 28th Infantry Regiment. Unfortunately, after only four years in the army, Sousa was injured in the field, losing his leg and almost his life.

He came back to the US a war hero, and yet, he felt he wasn't finished. So, when a recruiter named Peggy Carter knocked on his door claiming to be from SHIELD (“Wow, you guys are still a thing?”), he leapt at the chance to continue fighti-...doing good. The Academy wasn’t exactly what he had bargained for, though. Trying to earn his B.A. and training to be an agent at the same time was grueling, but nothing he couldn’t deal with.

No, six different one hour and fifteen minute long classes plus mandatory physical therapy every day wasn’t going to break him. Learning how to be a communications agent and re-starting field training and catching up on general college education was no problem. Pressuring himself to be the best, to break the limits, to get past all his weaknesses was just another miniscule feather to add to the pile.

Unless his stupid alarm clock broke. Then yes, Agent Daniel Sousa would fail, buckle under the weight and be left on the floor to die.

Maybe he was being a bit dramatic.

One bunny-slippered right foot and a sneakered left leg carried him forward, propelled by a quickly chugged orange Celsius and his sheer will not to be late.

Daniel heard the late bell ring out, understanding that, on his first day of class, he would be counted late. It wasn’t like him, not at all. Especially when his first class was a refresher course on field tactics and covert strategy, something in which he was already aces.

He let out a sigh, slowing as he rounded the corner into the comms building. At the Academy, most buildings were grouped into categories: the cafeteria, gym and pool, and student resource building all to the south; the gun range, obstacle course, and specialized gym to the east; bio-chem labs, tech labs, and smaller rooms for lectures to the west; the computer labs and comms buildings right smack in the middle; and dorms to the north.

He swiped a key card with his driver’s license picture and student ID, unlocking the sliding doors that led to the computer labs. It was quicker to short cut through them than to walk around the building to the entrance closest to communications classrooms.

It wasn’t because he knew a certain broody brunette spent her mornings in the lab.

No, it wasn’t, because she wasn’t in her usual seat in the corner, typing away.

He slowly walked through the rows of computers, searching for a familiar black backpack. Nothing was there.

“Hey, Sousa,” an accented female voice called behind him. He whipped around to see who it was, feeling just a twinge of disappointment when Elena, or, as most people knew her, Yo-Yo, was leaning against the door frame. Yo-Yo, a fourth year operations trainee, who was very close with Daisy.

“Hey, Yo-Yo. Good morning,” he called, “I’m running a bit late.”

Elena checked her nails casually, “Way to state the obvious. You were running faster than I could trying to get here before the bell.”

Daniel rubbed the back of his neck and blushed. “Yeah…”

“Daisy’s running late today, too.”

Daniel looked around, pretending that hearing Daisy’s name didn’t make him want to smile. “Oh, of course. She’s usually here early.”

Elena nodded, chuckling a little at his response. She couldn’t tell if he was oblivious or just a bad liar. It was charming, really. “Right. See ya ‘round, Sousa!”

“See ya,” He replied. He thought he heard a quiet ‘Lovable nerds’ coming from the direction she left, but he couldn’t be sure.

And so, with a last look around the computer lab, Daniel set off to arrive late to May’s lecture.

———————————————————————

okay okay,,, what do y’all think?? like/reblog and let me know! it’s the best way to support writers and it only takes a second! stay tuned for more chapters!!

[headoverjojo]

Hey can I request a scenario where all of La Squadra survived to Bruno's gang but s/o (who is like a sibling figure), and then one day they discovered that she/he is in fact still alive but held captive by another gang, this gang saved her but instead of healing her they were keeping her in a comatose state (or artificial coma). Then the squad went to save them. Feel free to ignore if it's too specific or what so ever!

Hello there, honey :3 Ooooh I loved this request so much!! I hope you’ll like it! I had so much fun writing it :3

La Squadra di Esecuzione finds out that their sibling-like teammate is alive but kept in a comatose state by a rival gang and they go to rescue them

(Under the cut for length, blood, murders, and so on!)

Risotto and his men always thought that seeing the Boss’ demise would have been sweet. And it had been, all in all. They never felt such a satisfaction, a pleasure like that. Seeing the fear and the panic in his eyes, when Gold Experience Requiem nullified without any effort King Crimson’s power, had been… sublime. And that kid, Giorno… he was a good boy. And he had showed more than once to be a born leader. With some assistance, support and time to learn, he would have become the greatest leader of the whole Italian criminal world, Risotto thought.

It would have been absolutely perfect, if all his teammates were there. Gelato, Sorbetto… G/N. Sorbetto and Gelato’s deaths were still painful wounds, but, now that the Boss, Cioccolata and Secco, the very people who had planned and acted to kill them, were dead, it was more… bearable. It still stung, like an old wound never completely healed, but it was way more bearable. Now that they have been avenged, they could rest in peace. But G/N…

They hadn’t even found their body.

Bucciarati and his kids didn’t know what happened to them, as no one of them ever faced G/N. They had been intercepted before they could even try to stop Bucciarati and kidnap Trish; just later, when the Squadra finally faced Cioccolata and Secco, they found out that the two were responsible of their death too.

None of the Squadra members held back, when they finally had the chance to give them the final blow.

And still… the body was nowhere to be found. They had searched everywhere, in every corner, in every dark alley. They had scoured every centimeter of the drainages, they had interrogated every informator they still had. And they hadn’t find even a trace of them. The new Don had helped them, of course, but not even him and Passione’s great resources could do anything. G/N just seemed… to be vanished in thin air.

Nevertheless, they never gave up. They all loved G/N, they loved them fiercely. They had been the glue that even in the darkest times had kept together the group. They had been always here for every single one of them: they were the one who always calmed down Sorbetto and Gelato when they had a fight, leading them to forgive each other; they were the one who, when Risotto was feeling down, usually around his cousin’s death anniversary, sat down with him, with two glasses of liquor, to make a toast in his cousin’s honour, and to listen to his stories about him. They were here when Prosciutto had panic attacks due to all the anxiety and responsibilities that weighed on his heart and when Pesci needed few words of encouragement. They always listened actively to Melone’s happy ramblings about the last news on a scientific magazine, and they always helped Illuso to perfectly organize his archives in the mirror world, chatting with him. G/N was the only one able to calm down Ghiaccio when he was deep in one of his furious rampages, and the only one who saw Formaggio without his usual cocky and smug facade.

And now they were gone.

The Squadra, however, wanted to honor them one last time, to give them a proper burial. They wanted them to have a place where G/N could rest in peace and where they could go to pay their respects. G/N deserved this. But, without a body, they couldn’t do it.

Their hunt had been frustrating and useless until a cold December day, more or less eight months later. That day, when they made their usual weekly round of interrogations, one of their informators shared something interesting.

“There are rumors, you know… about the Artiglios. I’ve heard they keep captive someone… I’ve asked about it, of course, and you know how persuasive I can be, yeah, do you remember when- the man stopped, when he saw Prosciutto’s jaw tightening. It wasn’t a good sign… maybe it was better to go straight to the point. An irritated Prosciutto wasn’t good, he knew it too well. -Anyway, I’ve offered this dude a couple of drinks, you know, the strong ones, and oh boy he started to sing like a nightingale. He said they had found this person and that they were barely alive. They thought they were a poor soul and, well, they decided to heal them, hoping they would have been useful to them. And well… when they finally cleaned their face from all that blood, they recognized them. It was your teammate, you know, G/N, the one who seems to be vanished. They have them, as far as I know, but honestly I don’t know if your G/N is fine, if they chose to stay with that gang or what. Maybe they died. I don’t know, the guy fell on the waitress’ tits and the barman kicked him out. I would have done the same, if you want to know that, absolutely.” Prosciutto grimaced, disgusted. Still… those infos had ignited again a sparkle of hope in his heart. Maybe they finally had a track to follow…

“And does your dude have a name?” the hitman asked, with a silky voice. The man gulped, shivering. He really didn’t want to be in that poor man’s shoes…

“Antonello Nocera, but he’s known as Svelto. Don’t ask me why, someone says it’s because he’s as fast as a water snake when he has to run from the cops, someone else because, well… he’s not really skilled in bed. Whatever. You can find him at the Torre Nera, drinking until he forgets who he is. I advise you to get there before he’s too far in his dreamy world.” the little smelly man tipped his hat to Prosciutto, before disappearing in the dark alley, careful not to be spotted by anyone. Prosciutto sighed, fishing a little hand mirror from his pocket. Illuso was there, and he knew that, through his mirrors, the whole squad had listened to the news.

“Get him to the HQ, Prosciutto. He’ll sing like a nightingale for us too.” Illuso said, with a malicious grin. Prosciutto nodded, closing the hand mirror with a little snap, and marched toward the infamous bar.

He really wanted to hear Antonello Nocera sing as loud as he could.

-

Antonello Nocera, or Svelto, was even more a coward than what they thought. Risotto didn’t even had to make him spit razors; a small blade piercing his forearm had been more than enough to make him cry and confess everything he knew.

And so, the team found out that their G/N, their beloved G/N, was alive. They were, in fact, kept captive, and this lift from their heart a weight they didn’t even realised was there. They hadn’t abandoned them… they had been forced to do it. And their teammates would have brought them back, at any cost.

The plan was simple: enter, kill whoever was on their path, take G/N and go back to the HQ. If the Artiglio gang was lead by a wise leader, they wouldn’t have tried to stop them or to get their revenge. If not… they would have tasted the rage of the whole hitman team.

The night of G/N’s rescue was even colder than the prior days. Even Ghiaccio, who usually bear the cold like it was nothing, was freezing. The team waited until the patrol was at the other side of the building, an unimpressive grey block of concrete, to break in.

Formaggio, who was already inside thanks to Little Feet, opened for them the door. While they were entering, Melone noticed, in a corner, a couple of bodies, but no blood; Formaggio knew how to kill discreetly, when he wanted to. They silently run from room to room, dismissing everyone they met: Ghiaccio froze to death a guard who was coming in their direction; The Grateful Dead silenced forever the men in the surveillance room, and Pesci literally teared a guard’s heart from his own chest with his Beach Boy. Illuso tricked a small group of potential dangerous obstacles in the mirror world, and a single motion of Risotto’s hand made appear on five guards macabre bloody smiles on their throats. The Artiglio gang had abducted one of their team; they would have shown no mercy.

Finally, they made their way to the last room. It was mostly dark, and the only little light came from few medical machinery that surrounded a hospital bed. Their heart skipped a beat when they saw, under the thin light grey cover and many small tubes, G/N. Their body was worn and weak, they… they seemed a corpse. And, when they called them, when G/N didn’t even flinch when Formaggio screamed their name and Ghiaccio shook them, the group of men really thought it was, by now, too late. However, Melone, showing more authority than in the past few years, silenced them all. He went near their bed, studying the data on the machinery and their condition with sharp eyes. Then, he checked the IVs and grimaced, understanding what was happening to them.

“So, Melone? What’s this? Are they fine?” Pesci frantically asked, anxious. Melone nodded, after studying also their medical records, sighing.

“They’re in an induced coma. There aren’t brain damages… The Artiglios just kept them asleep with a cocktail of benzodiazepines and remifentanil. Maybe they wanted to use them as bait or as informator… I honestly don’t know and I don’t care. We have to carry them out.” he said and, when he noticed that Formaggio was already going to tear out the IV needles from their arm, he immediately stopped him.

“No! It has to be done slowly, or they’ll suffer permanent damages! We have to carry them out with the IVs. At the HQ I’ll start the awakening procedures.” he ordered, with a harsh and professional tone. With some careful maneuvers, the whole group managed to carry G/N and all the IVs out of the room. Risotto and Pesci, the strongest ones, carried G/N with incredible care, and Melone carried the IVs; Formaggio and Illuso opened the way, and Ghiaccio and Prosciutto closed the group. They didn’t meet any other obstacles and, once they were out of the building, Risotto turned to Formaggio and Ghiaccio, with an unmistakable look in his eyes.

Burn everything down.

The two stayed back, while the rest of the group carried G/N to their headquarters, surrounded and protected by the darkness. When they were near their HQ, that same darkness was lightened by high and huge flames bloomed behind them, right where the enemy gang’s headquarters were. Formaggio and Ghiaccio had accomplished their work.

Now… now they just had to wake G/N up, and everything would have been ok.

This time, for real.

[skullsandwineglasses]

Ashes of Love Ep 40 Impressions

It’s a very standard mythology/fantasy romance drama where the male lead is a brooding, high ranking war god who falls hard for a bubbly, vulnerable, and naive spirit/fairy who barely ranks as an angel (but who is really of noble birth). 

Deng Lun and Yang Zi have easy chemistry, though you don’t really feel the full effects of their acting until the episodes when they’re in the mortal realm. They’re great actors, but they don’t really bring anything new to the table until their characters are given more depth when they’re out of the heavenly realm.

DL plays Xufeng, a near-perfect love interest in both the immortal and mortal realms. It’s easy to see the appeal of the drama because his character is essentially a wish fulfillment fantasy. He’s romantic, protective, reasonable, willing to love Jin Mi unconditionally, and just all around a flawless character (this is problematic though, as I’ll explain below). 

On the other hand, while Xufeng is the ultimate hero, Jin Mi is the repressed victim who isn’t even allowed to have romantic feelings for anyone (literally) since her heart is sealed off by her mother’s spell (read: pill). 

This is where is gets frustrating. The angst in this drama comes from the fact that Jin Mi isn’t able to fully reciprocate Xufeng’s feelings, even though deep down she wants to. She’s emotionally stunted because apparently people are able to enter her heart and re-seal it, as if her feelings are a switch that can be turned on and off. 

She has no agency in the immortal/heavenly realm. Everyone makes decisions for her, trying to decide what’s best for her, and keeps her in the dark. In the mortal realm, where she’s uninhibited, she’s able to love and make her own decisions, and live on her own terms. She breaks the rules and follows her heart. Despite being veiled by a mask, mortal Jin Mi is more of a free spirit than the immortal Jin Mi who feels that she needs to consult her elders and afraid of offending them. The scene where mortal Jin Mi confesses that she loves the king was hella cathartic because she finally expresses what she feels freely and loudly. We’re 40 episodes into the drama, and Jin Mi still can’t freely think, or even feel, for herself. When she returned to the heavenly realm, it was like having taken 10 steps forward then 20 steps back. 

Jin Mi doesn’t make things happen, but instead things happen to her. Everyone’s fighting over her and she doesn’t even know it. 

This drama is also filled with cliche tropes:

-The false sibling trope (like in the Mortal Instruments) -The unwanted arranged marriage trope -Instead of a “memory loss” trope, you have a “feeling loss” trope where she loses her ability to love -There’s a revenge plot passed down from a previous generation (the whole your-mother-killed-my-mother) -The father/son mirror trope where the sons falls for the daughter of their father’s past lover -The reincarnation trope (which tbh was probably the highlight of the drama)

I feel like all that’s missing is some sort of love potion trope and a stolen identity trope. 

With less than half way to go, there are still 3 things that need to happen based on the promos, so I’m guessing that the “angst” has only just gotten started. 

-we see that Jin Mi goes ahead with the wedding to Runyu, but Xufeng crashes the wedding. -Xufeng becomes the demon king somehow -There’s more crying from Jin Mi, and a scene where we see Xufeng walk away from her, which is out of character for him since he’s never turned his back on her. He’s always the one chasing after her, so it’ll be interesting to see what prompts this scene. 

The problem with this drama is that the angst comes from external sources. Everyone is trying to get between XF and JM to keep them apart. The time in the mortal realm showed us that XF and JM have no problem being together. The plot is just trying to create problems by cramming people between them. 

There’s a Zeus-like emperor. An evil Hera-like empress. An evil, jealous princess.  An evil, jealous prince (with a tragic backstory). 

As the comments say, the heavenly realm seems to have the most evil people. The only non-stereotypical, non-caricature character is probably the demon princess who’s main goal isn’t to try and sabotage the relationship between the main leads. 

The problem with all these external obstacles and with Xufeng’s near perfect characterization is that the drama isn’t so much as angsty as it is frustrating and intellectually condescending. When I think of angsty stories, I think of stories in which characters cause their own downfall. Stories in which characters make decisions that come back to haunt them later down the line. 

For instance:

Love and Destiny Probably the closest comparison to Ashes of Love yet also the least angsty and frustrating. The obstacles that Ling Xi and Jiu Chen face only bring them closer together instead of tearing them apart. They have a few misunderstandings that are quickly resolved. The biggest angsty plot point was when (spoiler) JC has to kill moral LingXi pre-maturately to ensure that she keeps her immortality. We sympathize with Jiu Chen because we know it’s the only way to save Ling Xi, and we can’t say he didn’t try to be honest with her. He literally told her that she’s not a mortal and who she really is, but of course as a mortal, she can’t bring herself to believe that. Still, the angst here is that the characters are trying their best to reach out to each other, and yet they are also the very ones blocking each other out. Ah Mo feels like she’s just Ling Xi’s replacement, because she can’t understand that she’s both Ling Xi and Ah Mo. 

Journey of Flower The angst that started the fantasy angst trend in the mid-2010s. BZH’s flaw is that he puts his responsibility and his morals above everything else, even himself. He’d rather repress his feelings than betray the world he’s tasked with protecting. This means that he’d sacrifice everything in order to uphold his morals, including HQG. He thinks that he can betray her because he’d make it up to her by killing himself (until she prevents him from doing so in order to punish him, much to his dismay). His flaw is that he’s too righteous. HQG’s flaw is that she trusts in him too much. 

Goodbye My Princess LCY isn’t just flawed, but he’s a straight up villain who’s willing to kill innocent people (even his own family) if he feels desperate, jealous, or betrayed. He’s selfish and malicious, and ultimately his punishment is to live out the rest of his days in regret and loneliness. Even during the episodes where he thought he was protecting XF, he pushed it way overboard. There was really no reason to go as far as he did in the name of trying to “protect” her. GMP is a good example of a plot where there are characters who make choices with unexpected consequences, and other characters who make choices in spite of the consequences. But overall, the hate that the characters felt for others (and themselves) were driven by their own choices and actions. They were the cause of their own downfall. 

Eternal Love Again, the angst stemmed from Ye Hua’s flawed thinking that he can keep everything under control. His mistaken assumption that he can protect Su Su by hurting her. His flawed logic that he can destroy her livelihood (by taking away her eyes) but justifies it by thinking that he’d be able to keep her alive with him, which is all that matters to him. 

Comparisons In all these dramas, the male character thinks that the best way of protecting the female character is to pretend to be indifferent about her. They think that pretending not to love her is the best way to protect her, despite the consequence of hurting her in the process. They’re always making decisions for her, thinking for her.

The female character wants to hate the male character but can’t bring herself to do so because she still loves him, so she ends up hating herself for not being strong enough to hate him. She then kills herself and is “reborn” as someone with more agency and courage to not only hate him, but to also protect herself so that she no longer needs him. 

Ashes of Love is the opposite. Jin Mi wants to love Xufeng, but is prevented from doing so because everyone else seems to have access and control to her heart except herself. Xufeng is different from these other male characters because he doesn’t hide his love. In fact, he’s desperate to try to show Jin Mi how much he loves her. It’s a completely different dynamic. It makes Xufeng an easy character to like, but it prevents any kind of character growth in either Xufeng or Jin Mi. It doesn’t look like Jin Mi is going to “grow” insomuch as be liberated. It’s just annoying how she isn’t allowed to grow and how everyone keeps running circles around her.

It’s also exhausting. It feels like the drama can drag on and on because the plot can just keep throwing obstacles at them, which it looks like it’s going to do. In other dramas, you usually know what to look forward to: it’s usually when the moment of truth is revealed and when the main characters redeem themselves. There’s no redemption plot to look forward in this (maybe for the 2nd male lead). Instead, you’re waiting for all the secondary characters who are obstacles to be eliminated so that the leads finally have an unobstructed path to each other. It would say this is much more of a plot-driven drama than a character-driven drama. 

[koalawoozi]

Ateez theory (up to Answer)

My ATEEZ theory is that it’s a TIME LOOP, a CYCLE, where they’re constantly trying to get the Treasure, but keep failing. Yes, people have said this before, but I want to say it with my own words, from what I’ve noticed,

So, they’re stuck in a cycle. Yet, they try time and time again which is what Hala Hala represents. Them in the ending of the MV all falling down means they’re starting the loop again, going to Say My Name where they begin their journey. Hala Hala is the very beginning when they reset time, Say My Name is basically the initial call to action, Treasure and Pirate King are them beginning of their search for the Treasure as a group, Illusion and Wave are obstacles where everything seems great, like they got everything they wanted, but it’s too good to be true.

And then Wonderland is when they realize they have to come back, go on, return to their journey. “We must going on” as Jongho says. So the door to reality is open, as the lyrics say and the literal DOOR that opens in the MV represents, and they go again.

But!!  This search and constant reset of time is making them crazy, which is why:

1- everyone seems a little insane in Hala Hala, they tried so many times that it’s getting to their heads

2- no one remembers exactly that they’re restarting a time loop when they get to Say My Name, which is why everyone is seen confronting they “Haler” side. I think it’s reality trying to seep through, and the members are struggling to keep their own selves, their identities, safe (represented by their names being written over and over again all over their clothes). Most of them win the batle. Except for Wooyoung, who already knew the truth and is very aggressive towards his Haler, and Seonghwa, who remembers and takes his mask off, revealing the truth to himself.

3- Wooyoung is trying to sabotage the mission, not because he’s bad exactly but because he sees that this constant search isn’t good for them. This is shown by him messing up the papers in Say My Name, and saving them from the “Illusion”  in the Illusion MV by saying “open your eyes”. He is also the only member not shown waking up in Wave.

3- Seonghwa wants the search to keep going, which is why he and Wooyoung are always shown as opposites in mv and in choreography.

4-  Hongjoong gets more and more aggressive, both in lyrics and in choreography, because he’s being consumed by ambition.

5- Mingi is helping Wooyoung (in Wonderland when Wooyoung is restrained, probably by Seonghwa, Mingi is the one who frees him, and then is shown in choreography banging his chest with Wooyoung). He also has headphones in Illusion, that he also has in Wave, which to me symbolizes that he had a certain idea that it was all an Illusion, because his is the only piece of technology found in the entire MV.

6- San is constantly being manipulated by the people who want this journey to keep happening, but this is mostly shown in choreography. Hongjoong is always slapping him, holding him by the neck, and Seonghwa even treats him as a puppet at the end of Wonderland choreography. He’s like their soldier.

I also think FIRE represents everything that’s real, or corresponds to real time, and water represents everything that’s fake, or what they wish were happening. None of the MVs set in reality have Water, and the new teaser photos for Answer have the members drinking SAND. They’re only seen with actual water in the not-so-set-in-reality mvs.

Oh, and the only members that don’t have any objects with them in these new teaser images? Wooyoung and Seonghwa. Our hero and villain, you decide which is which.

Any time a member is shown with fire, it means that member knows the reality, or that the time loop is happening, like when Wooyoung lights a match in Illusion, or when Mingi is inside a circle of fire in Wonderland.

Seonghwa doesn’t want Wooyoung to show everyone what’s really happening though, so he puts out the fire Wooyoung tries to get going, as shown in Wonderland when he blows at the match (and Wooyoung is shown immediately after, connecting the two shots).

This time loop theory only gets stronger as time goes by, because the lyrics, titles to songs, and even mvs, are always suggesting a cycle. The Halers are coming back, the ashes in the teaser video for Answer are shown going upwards instead of downwards, the beginning and end tracks for the full album have opposite titles (end of the beginning and beginning of the end), and the boys are all shown with flags in the desert in this new teaser, just like they were in Treasure. Even the lyrics to Hala Hala talk about “Rewinding”. It doesn’t get more obvious than that.

Precious, which is gonna be the last song in this new mini album (except for the outro) is literally a mirror of Treasure, their debut song. It has lines directly from Treasure. GUYS COME ONNNN

There’s sooo much to be unpacked, and I didn’t even talk about the hourglass, or the compass, or the other members, but this is the gist of what I think is going on, in my opinion. Please tell me your theories, guys! Do you agree with me?

[hecohansen31]

I wonder how Michael would react with a lover who suffers from dysphoria. She believes him when he says he loves her, finds her beautiful, but she doesn't see it. She just sees that he is handsome and people must be wondering what a man like him does with her. So she does everything to change, when there is nothing to change. Sport, diet, make-up, loose clothes, and light off for hugs, because she doesn't want him to see her body. It's already hard to be touched, she doesn't want to disgust him

(A/N): Hello there, lovely!

So I just wanted to put here an huge disclaimer because I don’t personally have body dysphoria, although I do have some self-esteem issues (which I am not absolutely comparing to dysphoria), so I tried to look in it, but I still want to say that I hope that this doesn’t suck!

So, please be gentle and if I got anything wrong just send me an ask, telling me what I did (obviously gently) or shoot me a DM, so that I can do better!

Also this is set up in THIS universe!

Hope you’ll like this!

WARNINGS: Body Dysphoria, Mention of Sex.

Growing up thinking that something was wrong with your body was much more painful than some might imagine.

And some might believe.

Because it wasn’t simply the pain of finding your body to be just plain wrong, it was also the fact that many didn’t believe how much you wanted to desperately shed your skin for another.

‘Everyone goes through a phase where they don’t like their body’ had once told you your mother, after you had cried your heart out about your disgust for your body ‘… it’s adolescence you’ll grow out of it’.

But you had never.

You had just learned to hide it all better.

You’d wore clothes that covered completely your body in a way that made you more comfortable to look at you, everything hidden under your scrutiny and you’d avoid mirrors as if they were your own damnation, trying to avoid any gaze of your body in the them2.

But something, or better, someone had come in your life, effectively making everything more difficult for you.

Your liaison with Michael Langdon had started as a mutual way to get the other off, with Michael loving your apparent innocence and your soft submission to him, in a secret fantasy of playing ‘the boss and the secretary’.

But slowly you had started developing feelings, and Michael alongside you, although you had to admit that you didn’t understand why, but hadn’t fought it, well aware that he wouldn’t back off so easily.

You had tried day after day to show him why he shouldn’t latch onto you: you were weak, insecure, problematic in every aspect the society didn’t accept, but he had just latched harder, showing you his own insecurities.

But in Michael’s case you couldn’t help but be lenient and soft, gentle as he confessed to you the difficulties of being antichrist.

‘How can you be so sweet with the literal ‘antichrist’ and not with yourself?’ he had asked, as he had gripped strongly your hands in his, looking at you in the eyes ‘… how can you not see that you are the most precious person ever?”.

But you couldn’t.

That morning even more.

You didn’t know why: sometimes it wasn’t such an obstacle, sometimes instead you didn’t want to seek out the world, and you would just hide under the covers.

You hadn’t moved, hiding under the covers with your phone, not enough bright to make you see your own face against the screen but enough to make your mind disappear through some twitter treads or listening to some gossip video on YouTube.

It wasn’t relaxing, but it was mind-numbing, helping you ease your mind away from all the bad thoughts oozing from your own mouth.

And your quiet morning was interrupted by a sudden noise, signaling somebody walking in your house and, although normal people would have immediately thought it was an intruder, you knew it was something worse: your boyfriend, Michael.

As much as you loved Michael, in these days you couldn’t just stand him, worried that he would even catch a glimpse of your ‘horrid body’.

At first it was easy to avoid him, when it was ‘simple sex’.

But a relationship came with worrying for the other, and this time Michael wouldn’t simply let you go with the excuse of a headache.

“(Y/N)?” he asked, moving around the house and you hid further in the sheets, although your lump under the covers wouldn’t have certainly disappeared that easily “… we were supposed to have breakfast together”.

And you had almost forgotten about it all, too worried about yourself.

Something that made you feel bad, although Michael wasn’t angry, more like worried.

“… didn’t you feel well?” he continued, coming closer to your bedroom, slightly knocking on it and waiting for your reaction and answer, but you simply let out an hum, definitely wanting to fake being sick “… can I come in to check on you, beloved?”.

“… I don’t think it is a good idea, I am contagious” which was the silliest excuse ever, since the antichrist didn’t simply catch a flu so easily.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll take precautions, but…” his voice trailed off softly as he came closer to the door, lightly opening it “… just let me check on you, lovely”.

His petnames were almost a stabbing knife on your stomach but you tried not to shift too much under the covers, to avoid showing any signs of your discomfort as Michael came to sit himself down on the foot of the bed, right onto the small mirror you had covered with a blanket the previous night.

You couldn’t help but feel like he knew your secret, but he kept on indulging your silly game, softly caressing your leg over the enormous blanket.

“… can I look at you in the face, sweetheart?”.

“No please don’t” you mumbled softly, sobbing lightly as your voice broke down “… Michael I…”.

“I am not going to switch on the light” he promised, gripping you tight, as he slithered further on the bed, till he came to where your face should have been under the heavy comforter as he softly adjusted himself on your side and on his back “… I just want to make sure that you are ok, sweetie”.

“I am ok, Michael” you tried to collect yourself enough to reassure him, but with the way he moved closer to you, you were sure you wouldn’t convince even a deaf man.

“… it doesn’t seem that way” he mumbled, as he ghosted his finger onto your body, trying to bring you closer, but you retreated and could imagine the sting of pain on his face at your small rejection.

For Michael it was difficult to understand when you were truly rejecting him or when you were simply too hurt to actually talk with him.

Either way you hurt him, almost as much as you hurt yourself.

Although Michael tried not to show it.

“… I know that sometimes you don’t feel like showing yourself up, and I respect that” his hand slithered under the comforter, making you squeal lightly as it joined your hand, gripping it softly “… but don’t block me out, please”.

“You shouldn’t be here” it wasn’t meant to hurt but you spoke with such honesty and Michael couldn’t help but be pained that you thought that way “… you don’t see what I see through my eyes… I don’t.. I don’t deserve to be with you”.

“Your eyes trick you” he swore, his voice having deepened because of his hurt, and because that deep voice was the only way to get you to properly listen to him “… you know that they always do, hence that’s why you should trust me more”.

“You don’t… you don’t understand” you tried to stutter back.

“… I don’t, and I never will… because to me you are the most beautiful girl, although I know that you don’t feel that way” he lowered lightly your comforter, making your sob heighten as you retreated in yourself further “… you might not trust yourself, but always trust my words”.

“It’s just difficult, Michael… I am not the way… I… my body… it is so damningly wrong”.

“No it isn’t” he spoke softly, his eyes not setting on you and he passed his fingers through your hair, effectively relaxing you “… you are perfect in any imperfect way, even if your mind tells you that you aren’t”.

You lightly reached out to him, definitely something unlocking in you as you felt yourself starting to cry, but this crying was freeing, although Michael’s words were still dull on your ears.

But his gestures weren’t, hugging you tight to his chest as he softly relaxed you with small gestures.

“… I know it isn’t easy” he softly spoke in your ear, as he finally faced you and you tried not to cower away from his wandering gaze “… but you aren’t alone in this”.

[joyfulprincessdragonlover54]

How to Train Your Dragon to Me (Edited) 

I would like to start off by saying thank you to @hello-em75 for creating this awesome project for the fandom on Tumblr.  I think it’s truly wonderful how it’s being encouraged for all of the fans to share why this franchise is so special to them as individuals.  I also appreciate how it was encouraged for everybody to do it in whatever way they feel the most comfortable. Mine will simply be by the “Text” page of Tumblr.   I’m afraid I’ve never had the unique talent in fan art or tribute video making.  Yet even before I found out about this fantastic HTTYD themed project.  I always hoped to create a post in which I could share my love for this franchise with other devoted fans.  And why it means so much to me. So once more, thank you @hello-em75 for conceiving this brilliant idea. It’s not about competing against other fans. Instead it is about everyone diving into their personal stories with the franchise and keep supporting all the fans who are shy about their love for it to speak out. We all want to hear what everybody has to say.  No pressure to be concerned it won’t be good enough in comparison to anybody else’s level.   Only share how you feel. I just love it! 

My story in being introduced to How to Train Your Dragon was back in February 2010.  I was 21 at the time.  Always been an animated film lover.  I won’t deny that my fiber stemmed from mainstream studios. Even still, I was always up for traveling off the beaten path.  Found some spectacular hidden gems. DreamWorks has quite a few of those.  Be that as it may, I never would have predicted the film I was about to see would create such an impact on my life.  I saw the trailer and thought to myself “ What an interesting film. I wonder if it will share the same DNA with another DreamWorks film? Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmeron.”  

Needless to say it became far more then an “interesting film”.  My soul was re-awakened! I say that without of any kind of irony or exaggeration.  I’ll first address that this was the film that introduced me to the value of 3-D format. Nope it was not another famous  record breaking box office hit.  How to Train Your Dragon was the one who changed my perspective of how this can benefit a story on screen.  Rather then manufacture it as the sole reason to see a film.  I was engaged from beginning to end. 

One of the main reasons the story appealed to me was how it synonymously displayed it’s lead character as someone who was identifiable and admirable. There were uncanny traits Hiccup and I have in common.  Sometimes it felt borderline identical.  It was as if the filmmakers had been clandestine in studying many of my struggles and displayed them on screen for the world to see. A medium that has done a swell job at bringing to light self identity issues people from all walks of life grapple with.  Yet his resilience and resourcefulness despite being an outcast in his society is commend worthy.  And that was well before we even reach the middle of the first film.  This was already becoming a consolation piece of fiction for me. 

Then they bring in Toothless.  A character that in it’s roots is exceedingly difficult at earning sympathy from the audience.  Animal driven films in animation have a notorious history of dividing movie goers.  If they talk it seems cliche.  The redundant corny trademark people roll their eyes at.  If they don’t talk, the audience sees them as mere props for the human characters in their story.  They can’t resonate with the audience as they don’t know how exactly to relate to their plights if it is not verbally stated.  It becomes even more staggeringly challenging as he is a dragon.  For fiction has a long history for interpreting these fantasy creatures in the villain bracket.  Even author G.K Chesterton made a significant point on what their role was in literature.  “Fairy Tales don’t tell us dragons exists. We already know they exist.  But that they can be beaten and killed.”  The filmmakers of this franchise took a bold risk at turning this classic notion on it’s head.  Hoping the audience would be willing to surrender to their story.  That by using a different but equally classic adage of “The eyes are the window to the soul” the audience would understand and sympathize with Toothless as much as any human character.  Now Toothless to this day still has his detractors from professional critics and amateur movie buffs alike.  Regardless of that, he has touched my heart beyond compare! He is a fully realized character who is multifaceted and has his own dilemmas. 

Book series author Cressida Cowell, directors/screenwriters Dean DeBlois and Chris Saunders are so brave for taking this chance in creating a dragon themed narrative that is not about conquering a monster as a ritual in transitioning into adulthood.  But about the obstacles of earning trust from a creature that is long ingrained in everyone’s mind is apart of evil forces who live to bring humans emotional torment.  Sure this franchise is not the first to explore this theme.  And nobody on the creative team tried to take credit for it.  They all openly acknowledged their inspirations and thanked them for it allowed them to take a closer inspection of why it is rarely explored in text or on screen.  What they did though was unconventional (in terms of mainstream studio features)  in it’s own right.  

At it’s core is a love story.  Not the typical owner and pet fictional iteration.  A genuine brotherhood team love story. One that requires slower pacing.  Another risk the creative team was willing to gamble on.  Earning trust is not immediate.  Mainly being Hiccup’s goal to prove he is not a social leper. He initially intends to kill Toothless. His own unique empathy for Toothless leaving him conflicted.  He does not grasp why he is ashamed of what his tribe does despite all of the rules and regulations drilled into his conditioning.   But his conscious tells him otherwise. It is wrong to murder this frightened creature. He deserves to be released unharmed.  A travesty to the Viking culture he grew up in. Hiccup freeing Toothless then Toothless sparing Hiccup’s life is a shocker! Neither quite comprehends why they just gave their sworn enemy a second chance at life. But this question is an internal odyssey Hiccup is willing to take. 

Hiccup did not dive in head first expecting  Toothless to cuddle up to him and offer him a ride on his back.  This had to be a gradual process.  Trial and error. Repetition and reinforcement.  Compassion and respect.  All of these features were crucial of guiding their story about strangers who met under negative circumstances and would later become brothers in arms.  The filmmakers shamelessly display every bit of this.  Hiccup and Toothless unexpectedly become dependent on each other.  Hiccup needs to brainstorm and invent contraptions as to feel worthwhile as his upbringing as has gone awry.  Brute strength and fast reflexes are not in his being.   Toothless needs to fly to survive. Navigating from island to island in the archipelago.   They each believe their purpose is to make it by in a society that wishes to subjugate them.  They just want as little confrontation as possible.  The chance encounter of Hiccup trapping Toothless with his own version of a catapult and him later venturing into the forest of Berk to find him was the beginning of their “Forbidden Friendship”.  Hiccup and Toothless alike always knew they were misfits. But neither ever dreamed of having the agency of seeking someone or something out who could potentially be like them.  They both believed they were all alone in the world. That is why I find their journey so rewarding to watch! 

They never expected to find one another.  Let alone feel so joyfully fulfilled.   This in turn was why I was so emotionally caught up watching the films.  In particular the first one.  Pretty much everything they do contradict’s their society’s dictation.  Their lives are literally in danger by merely engaging with the other presence.  Their secret of knowing and allying with one another is a secret that casts as much liberation as it does a burden.  They can be themselves when alone together. Exploring new ideas and places. Yet Hiccup’s tribe is acutely aware something is off.  Initially believing that he is inadvertently discovering dragon weaknesses that could lead to concocting a plan to eradicate all dragons.  Hiccup’s time with Toothless runs dangerously low.  My heart was in my throat with dread they would be separated from each other.  Hiccup and Toothless together gives them a purpose to live! I wanted them to live happily together and in harmony in their society. 

Such a love story is often over hyped and I could care less as is has their characters saying a bunch of frivolous dialogue with empty gestures.   Love is proven through consistent actions.  The hardships Hiccup and Toothless would have to painfully face head on to reach a happy end was not glided over.  The creative team was not shy about offering it’s share of agonizing lows.  Hiccup’s self-esteem dropping to practically zero.  Same goes for Toothless.  I still can not get over how blatantly the filmmakers do that to these precious characters. It’s so harrowing it hits me every single time.  Yet these emotions happen in reality.  These fantasy animated films are a mirror to it.   No happy ending is worth getting if  the characters don’t hit rock bottom.  

This is precisely what this entire franchise stands for and why it has become my all time favorite piece of fiction. It is as emotionally draining as it is fulfilling.  And I want to keep returning to them.  Both films have this in spades!  For me personally this is is so rare to watch a film that has all three of these qualities.  But the HTTYD franchise still had unexplained factors I can’t wrap my mind around  that it stands above anything else I have ever come across.  All I know for certain is that it is special.   And I am forever grateful to have discovered it.  

Also a huge shout out to Animation screencaps for these! They alone can define this beautiful under-rated love story.   :)  

[ourmrmel]

Mel Feller, MPA, MHR. Shares Quotes to Charge the Entrepreneurial Spirit

Mel Feller, MPA, MHR. Shares Quotes to Charge the Entrepreneurial Spirit

 Mel is the President/Founder of Mel Feller Seminars with Coaching for Success 360, Inc. and Mel Feller Coaching.  Mel Feller maintains offices in Texas and in Utah.

  Quotes.  Entrepreneurs are fascinated with them.  They spark our creativity, motivate us to action, and inspire us to greatness. They offer us insights into the spirit behind innovation and genius. In addition, they act as fuel to the fire that burns deep within every true entrepreneur.

  The quotes below are, in Mel Feller’s opinion, some of the best of the best.  They come from authors, poets, inventors, scholars, and entrepreneurs – all legends in their own rights.  So jot them down on Post-it notes and decorate your workspace. Grab red lipstick and write them in sweeping letters across your mirrors.  Pick your favorite and brand it on your…palm.  The right words at the right time can be paramount to your success, so do whatever it takes to keep inspiration nearby.

  “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” Jim Rohn, Entrepreneur, Author, Motivational Speaker

  “In life and business, there are two cardinal sins: The first is to act without thought, and the second is to not act at all.” – Carl Icahn, Investor and Entrepreneur

  “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson, Poet

  “A business has to be involving, it has to be fun, and it has to exercise your creative instincts.” – Richard Branson, Entrepreneur

  “Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes; work never begun.” – Christina Rossetti, Author

  “Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” Williams Jenning Bryan, Politician and three-time Presidential candidate

  “Watch, listen, and learn. You can’t know it all yourself. Anyone who thinks they do is destined for mediocrity.” – Donald Trump, Business Mogul

  “High expectations are the key to everything.” – Sam Walton, Entrepreneur

  “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon, Entrepreneur

  “Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.” William Butler Yeats, Poet

  “I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen.” - Frank Lloyd Wright, Architect and Entrepreneur

  “Opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Alva Edison, Inventor and Entrepreneur

  “If you work just for money, you’ll never make it, but if you love what you’re doing and you always put the customer first, success will be yours.” – Ray Kroc, Entrepreneur

  “The secret of success is constancy to purpose.” – Benjamin Disraeli, Author, Politician and Scholar

  “How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.” – Coco Chanel, Entrepreneur

  “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.” - David Brinkley, Newscaster

  “I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.” – G. K. Chesterton, Author

  “Those who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try nothing and succeed.” Lloyd Jones

  “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”­ – Michael Jordan, Basketball Legend and Entrepreneur

  “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” - Thomas Alva Edison, Inventor and Entrepreneur

  “Not doing more than the average is what keeps the average down.” - William M. Winans, Clergyman

  “Six essential qualities that are the key to success: Sincerity, personal integrity, humility, courtesy, wisdom, charity.” William Menninger, Entrepreneur

  “My will shall shape the future.  Whether I fail or succeed shall be no one’s doing but my own. I am the force. I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose; only I hold the key to my destiny.” - Elaine Maxwell, Author

  “It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd American President

  “You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” - Henry Ford, Entrepreneur

  “The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible — and achieve it, generation after generation.” - Pearl S. Buck, Author

  “It is on our failures that we base a new and different and better success.” – Havelock Ellis, Physician and Author

  “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.” - Goethe

  “With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.” - Keshavan Nair, Author – Gandhi Biographer

  “To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” - Anatole France, Poet

  “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” - T. S. Eliot, Author

  “Some people have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.” Willis R. Whitney, American Chemist

  “For every failure, there’s an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.” - Mary Kay Ash, Entrepreneur

  “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you are usually right.” -Henry Ford

 “If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves” -Thomas Edison

  “There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

  “We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.” Jim Rohn

  “I demolish my bridges behind me… then there is no choice but to move forward.” — Fridtjof Nansen

  “The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” — Alan Kay

  “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” — Michelangelo

  “Not everyone who chased the zebra caught it, but he who caught it chased it.” — South African proverb

 “The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” — Walt Disney

  “In my mind, I’ve always been an A-list Hollywood superstar. Y’all just didn’t know yet.” — Will Smith

  “Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If it’s original, you’ll have to ram it down their throats.” — Howard Aiken

  “I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.” — Jonathan Winters

  “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” — Albert Einstein

  “There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs.” — Unknown

  “It’s not what you are that holds you back. It’s what you think you’re not.”

- Denis Waitley

  “The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.”

- John F. Kennedy

  “Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.” - John le Carre

  This one came from a fortune cookie, but it sure is poignant: “Affirm it, visualize it, believe it, and it will actualize itself”  (And if you’re curious, the “Learn Chinese” word on the back is Mian, meaning Inside.)

   “Think it, write it, act on it, stick to the process; count your wins or losses and repeat the process.” This is the whole duty of an entrepreneur. – Ajaero Tony Martins

  “All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney

  “There comes a time in every man’s life, and I’ve had plenty of them.” Casey Stengel

  “Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve!” –Napoleon Hill

  “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.” – David Brinkley

  “I demolish my bridges behind me… then there is no choice but to move forward.” — Fridtjof Nansen

  “I celebrate failure – it can temper your character and pave the way for great achievement” -    Kamran Elahian, Serial Entrepreneur

 “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.” - Warren Buffett

  “The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” — Alan Kay

  “Be like a postage stamp. Stick to it until you get there.” – Bob Proctor

  “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.” – David Brinkley

 “People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.”  - Dale Carnegie

 “Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.” -Henry Ford

  “Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” -Albert Einstein

 “Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” - George Bernard Shaw

  “Watch, listen, and learn. You cannot know it all yourself. Anyone who thinks they do is destined for mediocrity.” – Donald Trump

  “I do not fear failure. I only fear the “slowing up” of the engine inside of me which is pounding, saying, “Keep going, someone must be on top, why not you?”” -General Patton

  “The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all!” – Richard Branson

  “I believe you can train yourself to become a positive thinker, but you must cultivate a desire to develop the skill of setting personal worthy and realistic goals. I am so thoroughly convinced that if we don’t set goals in our life and learn how to master the technique of living to reach our goals, we can reach a ripe old age and look back on our life only to see that we reached but a small part of our full potential. When you learn to master the principle of setting a goal, you will then be able to make a great difference in the results you attain in this life.” -M. Russell Ballard

  “Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.”-  Ayn Rand

  “Quality is the best business plan.” -John Lasseter (Pixar Animation Studios Inc.)

  “The critical ingredient is getting off your butt and doing something. It’s as simple as that. A lot of people have ideas, but there are few who decide to do something about them now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. But today. The true entrepreneur is a doer, not a dreamer.”

- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari and Chuck E. Cheese’s

  “Innovation is the specific tool of entrepreneurs, the means by which they exploit change as an opportunity for a different business or a different service. It is capable of being presented as a discipline, capable of being learned, capable of being practiced. Entrepreneurs need to search purposefully for the sources of innovation, the changes and their symptoms that indicate opportunities for successful innovation. And they need to know and to apply the principles of successful innovation.”

- Peter F. Drucker, “The Father of Modern Management”

  “BE the change you want to see in the world” - Mahatma Gandhi

  “When you’re born the world rejoice, while you cry. Live life in such a way that when you die the world cry, while you rejoice” – Robin Sharma

  “Your life is your story, what kind of character are you going to be?” - David Archuleta

  “Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself”  - William Faulkner

  “If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won’t, you most assuredly won’t. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad.”  - Denis Waitley

  “Never doubt that a small group of committed people can CHANGE THE WORLD. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has” – Margaret Mead

  “They who laugh at others with dreams have to look at themselves and realize they laugh because they’re too scared to try” -Louie Ortega

  “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotion, spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never tasted victory or defeat.” - Theodore Roosevelt

Mel Feller, MPA, MHR, is a well-known real estate, business consultant, personal development consultant and speaker, specializing in performance, productivity, and profits. Mel is the President/Founder of Mel Feller Seminars with Coaching For Success 360, Inc. and Mel Feller Coaching, a real estate and business specific coaching company. His three books for real estate professionals are systems on how to become an exceptional sales performer. His four books in Business and Government Grants are ways to leverage and increase your business Success in both time and money! His book on Personal Development “Lies that Will Sabotage Your Success”. Mel Feller is in Texas and In Utah.  Currently an MBA Candidate.

[prettyblossoms]

Editor Credit: My twin, mothmanwrites. She is LITERALLY the best person and one of the most amazing writers I know. If you are interested in reading any of her stuff (if you haven’t already) then here is a link to her ao3!  She has an amazing series called Lovesong and its honestly my fav. 

Summary: A story in which Richie attempts to fix what he has been broken, but ends up doing more than he bargained for. 

Pairings: Reddie, Stenbrough, Benverly. Mike/OC

Word Count: 6.5 K

Warnings: angst with happy ending, one shot, prom, boys kissing and in love, strained friendships, drama, violence, jealous Richie, boys making out. 

Richie sighed as he watched the lights in the auditorium flicker between vibrant hues of color. The music was blaring and practically seeped out of the building onto the streets of Derry. After four years in high school, the Losers had finally made it to one of the nights that was supposed to make the struggle all worth it: prom. During late night sleepovers, they would all gather around in a circle and discuss what they wanted to happen.

Bill started first, "I just w-want prom to be our last h-hoorah before we start college. I am the happiest when I am with a-all of you."

Ben went next, staring at Beverly out of the corner of his eye. "I want to be with the girl of my dreams, wearing a red lily boutonniere just like the corsage I'll place on her wrist. I want to dance the night away and fall in love with her all over again."

Richie laughed, pulling Eddie closer to him as he raised his flask and took a massive swig. "Ohhhhh~! Ben wants to get laid and make a prom night dumpster baby!"

Eddie rolled his eyes and punched Richie's arm, eliciting a groan out of the older man. "First off, it wouldn't be a prom night dumpster baby if it's conceived the night of prom, idiot. Secondly, you're fucking disgusting. Now shut up, Trashmouth, it's Beverly's turn."

Beverly's cheeks burned crimson; part of her felt like Ben was talking about her, but they had fizzled out a long time ago. "I just want to be as beautiful as you guys all make me feel."

The boys all smiled halfheartedly. Now that they were older and more mature, they understood that her father had damaged her and made her feel like less of a woman. So, every opportunity that arose to make her feel special, they took without hesitation.

"I want to be free, like a bird in the sky. I just need one night where we don't have to worry or stress out about our social class in high school. Most of all, I…want to do something entirely outside of my comfort zone." Stan looked at Bill, but then averted his gaze to the floor before the other boy noticed.

"I kinda agree with Ben's answer," came from Mike, "I'd love to find a classy girl, good enough to bring home to my grandpa. He's getting old, so I'd like to show him that I’m going to be okay."

Stan rubbed circles on Mike's back reassuringly, and Eddie went next. His answer seemed rushed and rehearsed as if he had been practicing in the mirror. "By the time prom comes around, I'd like to be comfortable enough to be dating."

It was not news to all of them that Eddie's germaphobia conflicted badly with the dates he had been on in the past. Therefore, he had never had an actual girlfriend. Which also meant that he'd never even been kissed.  Sure, he had plenty of opportunities, but every time he started to see the finish line, a mile long list of why he shouldn't shot through his head.

"Aww, my spaghetti man, I'm sure you'll snag yourself a perfect little meatball!" Richie cooed and grabbed Eddie's cheeks, only to have his hands swatted away.

Eddie's face flushed and his brown eyes glistened with annoyance, "Don't touch my face, Richie. I have no idea where your filthy hands have been."

Richie smiled sinfully and went to tickle the boy's hips instead, "You should know exactly where they have been, Eds. Just ask your mother-"

The other six losers butted in simultaneously; "Beep Beep Richie."

Richie pouted and crossed his arms in defeat, taking the time to glare at each one of them.

"Y-your the last one, Richie. How do you want your prom to go?"

"Do you even have to ask, Big Bill? I'm going to get fucking laid! Hell, maybe even twice."

They all laughed and raised their vodka filled shot glasses up to the center, making a toast; it was a silent promise that they would all be united at prom, just as they had been in the sewers, years ago. Eddie chugged down his drink, a visible grimace on his face.

And it would have all been worth it, had the Losers Club not dissolved less than four months ago. After Richie suddenly up and left the group without so much as an explanation, everything just fell apart. One by one, they stopped meeting at the Quarry until only Bill remained. They all moved on with their lives, made new friends, and focused strictly on their own aspirations. Stan had tried to pull everyone back together on numerous occasions, but Richie never budged.

Not because Richie didn't love or miss the Losers. Hell, it was the exact opposite; he loved them all so much that he yearned to reach out to them again. After all, they were the only sunlight he had in his miserable life. But he knew deep down inside of him that he didn't deserve them, or anything, for that matter. Not after he single handedly crushed Eddie like a paper mache doll on that cold winter night.

Richie and Eddie were sprawled out on his bed, kissing like their lives depended on it. Richie was underneath Eddie, trailing his fingertips up and down the younger man's back as a means of silent encouragement. Eddie's arms wrapped around Richie's neck while his hands tangled into Richie's dark locks, roughly tugging and eliciting a moan out of the other. Richie growled low in his throat, and he grabbed onto Eddie's hips and switched their positions so he that was on top. He smirked down at Eddie, who pouted back up at him.

For weeks now they had fallen into the same routine of coming to Eddie's house and making out on his bed every day after school. Neither one of them even remembered how it started, but they didn't do anything to stop it either. Richie had so much pent up sexual frustration that he welcomed Eddie's advances like a starving man. The asthmatic had grown into a handsome man with a beautiful face, defined jawline, and sparkling brown eyes that could go from sweet to challenging in an instant. Richie always thought of Eddie as a fire; a powerhouse of passion, with emotions that were uncontainable. In the back part of Richie's head, he was grateful that Eddie was letting him this close. After all, every fire could be put out.

For Eddie, though, it was an entirely different story. For a long time now he knew that him being gay was a huge possibility. After all, he was never attracted to a woman in all of his seventeen years of life. Sure, they were pretty, and they even smelled nice, but there was a magnetic force field pulling him towards the smell of old spice and cigarettes instead. Ever since he and Richie were kids they had been closer than most friends should be. As they hit puberty, Eddie's eyes lingered on Richie for far too long, taking in all of the features that he used to take for granted. When they were together, Eddie felt a mixture of emotions, like he could either conquer any obstacle or crumble to pieces. Richie was like ice; he lacked the ability to show his true emotions, hiding instead behind a happy facade. Similar to that element, anyone with eyes could see right through its transparency. At least, Eddie could. Especially on nights where Richie would sneak into his window, shattering the minute Eddie’s arms enclosed him. And it was on a night like that when he realized that deep within the depths of his heart, he loved Richie Tozier.

By the time Richie and Eddie separated from the kiss, Eddie was panting heavily in a desperate attempt to fill his lungs with oxygen. But Richie wasn't done, and his lips grazed Eddie's chin. Subconsciously, Eddie turned his head, which gave Richie enough access to attack the sensitive skin on his neck.

Eddie's head became heavy and he rolled it back into the pillow, biting his bottom lip to prevent an embarrassing moan from surfacing. Eddie knew Richie heard it anyway when he felt Richie's lips against his skin in a smug smirk.

Richie's hands ghosted down Eddie's body until they reached his hips. Slowly, he pushed his hands under Eddie's shirt and began to rub circles on the sensitive skin there. Upon hearing Eddie's breath hitch in his throat, he began to suck and nip at the skin on his neck, leaving an array of purple bruises behind.

"F-fuck, R-Richie."

"What do you want, Eds?" Richie asked against his neck, placing a kiss on the skin right behind his ear.

Eddie shivered at his ministrations as the possibilities swam through his brain. He always dreamed of being under Richie, in a stage of euphoria as their bodies intertwined. At this very moment, he could easily bring the fantasy to fruition. And he almost did, until he realized that it would be more than just a sexual encounter- at least, for him. No matter how much he wanted Richie, there was something that he needed even more than even that.

"What are we, Rich?" Eddie asked so quietly that Richie wouldn't have heard had he not been so close to Eddie's neck.

Richie immediately stiffened as a lump got caught in his throat. His body recoiled and he moved to reposition himself on the bed, trying to look at anything but Eddie's face. Fuck, he had been so preoccupied with satisfying his libido that he didn't stop and realize that every action has a consequence. And maybe, just maybe, it would have been okay had the person who caused his hard on not been his best friend.

Eddie felt his eyes stinging as tears clouded his vision. Richie wouldn't even look his way, but Eddie was undeterred. "What are we, Richie?" His voice cracked, threatening to shatter at any moment.

Richie stared at the poster on his wall, wanting to sink into non- existence. "We’re best friends, Eddie. Nothing more, nothing less."

Eddie's face pinched, and he desperately wiped away the moisture running down his cheeks, "W-what if I said I didn't want that anymore?" He sobbed.

Richie's head snapped to look at Eddie so abruptly that his neck could have cracked. Dread flooded his features and his words came out like potent venom. "What the hell are you talking about, Eds? You don’t want to be friends anymore?"

Eddie's heart pounded harshly in his chest, but he continued. "You have it all wrong, Rich." He paused, mustering up the courage to look into Richie's eyes, almost pleading for acceptance. "I-I want to be so much more."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Eds." Richie tried changing the subject, "You're just-"

Eddie cut him off, "-In love. With you. It's always been you, Richie."

Richie stopped breathing as Eddie's words reached his eardrums. His stomach churned uneasily as he felt bile rise in his throat. All he could do was shake his head in disbelief as his fists closed tightly. Richie Tozier was good at many things, but falling in love-- with a man at that, had never been on his agenda. Now he was staring at the single most important person in his whole world, watching tears out of Eddie's wide doe eyes.  

Richie saw how much emotion those eyes held; there was so much sadness and uncertainty, but one radiated through and reigned supreme. Unconditional love.

Love for him.

Richie didn't know which one hurt most; the thought of giving in to his emotions or seeing Eddie so torn up, over him of all things. Regardless of how he felt, his instincts took over. And they told him to flee. "I'm sorry, Eddie. I have to go."

Out of habit, the unruly curly-haired teen reached for a cigarette out of his back pants pocket, only to feel nothing but the shape of his own ass. Fuck. He must have accidentally left them in his jeans pocket at home, after all, he only just gotten dressed ten minutes ago. Initially, he wasn't going to come to prom, but he couldn't keep a beautiful redhead with dazzling blue eyes off of his mind.  He grasped onto the plastic container in his hand tightly as more people passed by him, giving him confused stares.

Richie blushed in partial embarrassment, realizing that he must have looked like an idiot just standing there with his hand in his back pocket, watching as flocks of students poured into the building.

With a defeated groan, he walked up the stairs and entered the building. He didn't take the time to appreciate the decorations, theme, or even the refreshments. When he finally found what he was looking for, he faltered; Ben was sitting alone, next to all of the other boys without dates, twiddling his thumbs. His tux was a cream color and in his chest pocket, there was a red lily boutonniere. The brunette’s shoulders were slumped and his head hung low in defeat. Without wasting any time, Richie walked over and plopped down on the empty seat next to him reaching over one of his long arms to enclose Ben in a side hug.

Ben's eyebrows furrowed and his face pinched, "Richie?" He whispered, "What do you want?"

"Damn, you're breaking my heart, Haystack. Where's my hello?” His voice shifted into one of his best British accents, “It's been far too long ."

Ben huffed out a breath of air, "Yeah, says the one who left us. What are you doing here?"

Richie felt like he was kicked in the gut, but he nodded his head anyway. "I deserve that. Look, I had my reasons. I don't expect you to understand, or forgive me or anything. And, to answer your question, I’m obviously here to get laid."

Ben smiled at that, reminiscing on the fond memory of the good old days. After a few moments, his eyes widened as he became increasingly confused. "Why are you over here then? I'm sure you'd prefer to go to the other side of the room…Y’know, with the girls?"

Richie chuckled and was about to answer when Ben's body stiffened. His mouth hung wide open and his brown eyes glistened with affection. Richie followed his gaze and smiled upon seeing Beverly. She wore a tight-fitting white dress that perfectly framed her curves. She had never been fond of jewelry, but tonight she was wearing a vintage pearl necklace. Her hair was partially up while the rest of it was down, brushing down her shoulders. Her crystal orbs only scanned the room for a few moments before slowly lowering to the ground. Reluctantly, she started to walk towards the single female's section.

Richie watched as all the admiration evaporated from Ben's eyes and he sank back into his chair. Ben stared down at his hands and fumbled with them in his lap. Richie couldn't help but feel for him and, slowly, he placed the plastic container in Ben's open hands.

Ben's face glazed with shock as he looked to Richie. "Is this-?"

"Yeah, a red lily corsage. You should know; you're wearing the other half of it." Richie patted Ben's chest.

"I know what it is...but why?"

Richie smiled wholeheartedly, "Go get the girl of your dreams, Haystack. Make her realize just how beautiful she is." He paused, thinking of the asthmatic as his lips narrowed into a straight line. "Don't make the same mistakes I have."

Ben's lips stretched into a giant smile and tears welled up in his eyes. He stood up with a newfound confidence and pulled the taller male in for a hug. "Thank you, Richie."

Richie slapped his back as he whispered in the other man’s ear, "Go make your prom night dumpster baby, Benny."

Ben lightly pushed the other man away from him and laughed, "Go get laid, Tozier."

"I'm trying!"

Richie watched as the poet gravitated towards the crow of single ladies, taking considerable strides. All of the girls parted ways making room for Ben, and Richie was silently cheering. Even though he couldn’t hear anything, he stared at them with anticipation. Ben didn’t stop walking until he was face to face with Beverly.

“Hey, Beverly.” Ben beamed, unable to control his happiness as their eyes met.

Ben didn’t know it, but Beverly's own emotions overcame her. Without exchanging any words, she jumped out of her seat and threw her arms over him.

“Bev?” Ben asked as his face flushed red and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“I’ve missed you, Ben. So much.”

Ben stood, flabbergasted, and his eyes darted to Richie. Richie made inappropriate hand motions at him, which definitely did not help. He took a deep breath, and hugged her tightly. The smell of her cinnamon shampoo was all he needed for everything to come flowing back. “You know, even after all of these years, you’re hair is winter fire.” Beverly pulled away at his words and he almost flinched but instead focused on fumbling the plastic container open.

Shakily, Ben brought the corsage out of the plastic container and stared at Bev with uncertainty.

Beverly's face was lit up, and her eyes glistened with fresh tears. “My heart burns there too.”

Without any rush, they made their way towards the dance floor. Ben placed his arms around her waist, and Beverly set her arms around his neck, maneuvering her head so that she was looking directly at Richie. The older teen visibly grimaced at the fierceness in those eyes. With Beverly, the possible punishments for his hasty departure were endless. She stared at him, seemingly lost in thought. Richie’s eyebrows pinched together as he spared her a half smile and waved cautiously. Beverly smirked in response, but the softness in her eyes said it all.

He was forgiven.

Richie got off the chair and stretched his long limbs, shoving his hands into the pockets of his tuxedo. As he began to walk towards the exit when he noticed Stan and Mike at the punch bowl. Mike rubbed Stan’s shoulders reassuringly, which led Richie to believe that Mike was giving him a pep talk. Stan only nodded absently, his eyes staring off in the distance.

A curvy woman interrupted them, tapping Mike on the shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, kissing her cheek gently. Stan smiled at the pair and put out his hand to introduce himself, but she ignored it and hugged him tightly instead. Richie watched as the three talked for a while, all enjoying each others’ company. When a slow song came on, Mike looked to his date, and she looked back at him and grinned. They appeared to be perfectly in sync as they gave each other a look that only the other understood- or so they thought.

Richie knew Mike like the back of his hand. The man was selfless and kind. Richie used to tease Mike that he was sweeter than honey, but in his defense, it was true. Mike loved without any restraint and always looked out for the good of others around him. As Richie watched Mike’s date’s mannerisms, he knew they were silently agreeing not to leave Stan alone on prom night. A smile radiated Richie’s face, feeling genuine happiness for Mike. He had found a girl just as great as himself; somebody that would go to the end of the earth for the ones she loves. His smile faltered as he watched Stan politely dismiss them, pointing his finger towards the dance floor. Reluctantly, the pair left and began to dance to a slow song.

As always, Stan's outfit was entirely thought out and executed without a flaw. He wore a red tuxedo, with a white button-up shirt and black slacks. Instead of a boutonniere, he had a white broach of a dove pinned to his tuxedo's pocket. His curls were tamer than Richie’s, and he must have just had a haircut because they weren’t as long as he remembered them to be. It had to be a crime that he hadn’t been there to tease Stan afterward. He wanted to walk away so badly, but he could only stare at Stan who looked frantically around the room.

Suddenly, Stan's words resonated through Richie's ears, "I want to do something entirely outside of my comfort zone."

"Goddamnit," Richie moaned to himself as he walked over to the refreshment table.

Stan's face contorted into a scowl upon seeing Richie. They had been best friends and Richie had dropped everyone with not even as much as a syllable. It was infuriating.

Richie, with as much grace as a car accident, wrapped his arm around the other. "Hey, Stan the man! Looking goood~! " He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Stan elbowed Richie in the hip and then folded his arms across his chest, glaring, "If only I could say the same. You look like you got dressed in five minutes."

"It was ten minutes, actually, Stan, didn't your mother teach you that it was rude to assume?" Richie retorted quickly.

"Why am I not surprised," Stan stated bluntly becoming more increasingly annoyed by the second. "What do you want? Can't you see that I am busy?"

Richie looked at him in disbelief. He knew for a fact that Stan was anything but busy. However, Richie could play that game. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your hot date, Stan." He laughed, and caressed the refreshment table’s surface.

Stan's lips pursed and he began to tap his foot impatiently as he poured himself some punch from the bowl. "Just spit it out, Richie!"

Richie could feel that Stan was about to walk away, so he quickly got to the point, "Why don't you go ask Bill to dance with you?".

"W-what?" Stan gasped, squeezing the plastic cup too hard in causing the liquid to spill out all over the floor.

"I didn't ask you to turn into Bill, Stan. What I said was why don't you go ask Bill to dance with you?"

"I heard you the first time. But, you've got to be kidding! You completely stop talking to everyone and now you're over here trying to give me love advice? You have some fucking nerve."  

Richie shrugged and rubbed a hand through his hair, "Like I told Haystack, I know I've made some mistakes... but I just couldn't leave without telling you to fulfill that promise you made to yourself. Don't you remember? You wanted to do something daring. I'd say going after the guy you've been crushing on for years would be a good start."

Stan's jaw clenched as his face became void of emotion. He had known that Richie had seen through him all of those years ago, staring at Bill, but he would have never expected Richie to be the one encouraging him to go for it. Stan exhaled deeply, "What do I do if he says no?"

"He is not going to say no. Have you looked at yourself today?”

Stan's frown curved a bit before a small smile broke out on his face, but he was still doubtful. “What do I do when that doesn’t work?”

“I’ll kick his ass and yours too if you don’t go over there right now!” Richie gave him a reassuring shove.

Stan shifted his attention back to Richie right as the entrance of the gymnasium swung open. Stan’s face softened as one of his eyebrows raised. “Why don’t you follow your own advice, Tozier?”

Richie wanted to ask Stan what he meant, but his mind became frigid and his body shut down. He did not like the tone of Stan’s voice. No, he didn’t like it one bit. An adorable laugh pierced the atmosphere and traveled straight into his cerebellum, confirming his suspicions.

Fuck.

Reluctantly, he turned around and the rest of the world ceased to exist. An array of fireworks went off in his head, like in those sappy love movies he hated, and it may have been pushing it, but Richie could have sworn an angel gained its wings.

The man who he had spent countless sleepless nights over, who he had yearned to hold for the past four months was standing only a few feet away from him. Richie's eyes couldn't get any wider behind his coke-bottled glasses as they looked Eddie's body up and down, taking him in as if he was a much-needed glass of water. Similar to his own, Eddie wore a basic black tuxedo, unbuttoned to reveal a white button-up shirt. A black bow tie with pink floral print encircled his neck, matched perfectly with the form-fitting slacks that exposed his dainty ankles. Eddie's hair was parted to the side effortlessly, but a few stray locks rebelled, falling over his forehead. The corners of Richie's mouth began to upturn, and unshed tears fogged his vision when the realization finally dawned on him.

He had made the worst mistake of his life that fateful day in December when he walked away. He didn't know it then, but he left behind everything he’d ever wanted.  Eddie was the one who was always there, supporting him and seeing him through the good and the bad times. He inspired Richie to overcome his obstacles, encouraging him to find a dream and hold onto it. Eddie gave Richie self-worth, something his parents stole from him at such a young age with every sip of alcohol they drank and every cruel blow they placed on his body. Above all else, Eddie made sure that he knew that he was loved, no matter what Richie did. Richie could never do any wrong.

They were best friends with so much potential to be more, but Richie had ruined that. Inadvertently, his legs began to carry him towards Eddie; there were so many things that he needed to say. All of it stopped, his body becoming heavier as he watched a tall man approaching Eddie, holding out his hand to dance. Richie froze in place, staring intently at the small smile that graced Eddie's face as he accepted the other man's hand. Richie's fists clenched painfully at his sides as he watched the pair move onto the dance floor.  

An upbeat pop song came on and both men began swaying to the music. Richie's eyes were glued on Eddie, watching as he turned his body in tune with the music, not missing a beat. Eddie was full on laughing now as the other guy gyrated around, sliding his shoes against the smooth flooring. Richie felt his stomach bubbling with anger and jealousy. He used to be able to make Eddie laugh like that. But now this guy--

Richie's heart fell into his stomach, liquefying when the man twirled Eddie around the dance floor. His face twisted into a scowl and his eyes were blazing with rage. Eddie had always been his best friend. His confidant. His everything. And now he was with somebody else, doing all the things he should have been doing.

He wanted to be happy for Eddie. Out of everyone he knew, Eddie was the most deserving of a fairytale ending. He had endured hell with his mother. But, like a phoenix, he rose from the ashes; overcoming his sexuality, fear of germs, and his demons. He did so gracefully, with a smile on his face, all while supporting all of the other Losers during their most difficult times. It was finally Eddie's turn; but Richie was too blinded by the rage fueling his body to consider how Eddie felt.

Watching the other man placing his dirty hands on Eddie's hips, pulling them closer as he whispered into the hypochondriac's ear was the final straw for Richie, who was practically boiling with envy. He pushed through the crowd of dancing students, getting hit a couple of times by flailing limbs, and even eliciting a few curse words, but he ignored all of it. All he could concentrate on was biting his bottom lip, swallowing all of the foul things he needed to say.

Once he was within arms distance of the two, he tapped on the man's shoulder roughly, making sure not to look at the disappointment etched on Eddie's face. His voice was laced with venom as he spoke, "Hey. No one wants to see that shit. Keep it PG, alright?"

"Who are you? The dance committee or something?" The guy retorted, brushing Richie off. He turned to look at Eddie, "So, what do you say? Wanna go out with me?" He pushed his hands up Eddie's hips going up the back of his tuxedo to trace circles on his back.

Richie did a double take, staring at the guy as if he grew two heads. This motherfucker had some nerve ignoring him, but to touch Eddie right in front of him? Oh, he had no idea what demons he had just unleashed.

Richie grabbed his upper arm and shoved him as hard as he could, forcing him to fall back away from Eddie. "Maybe I am. Wanna do something about it?" Richie's face hardened, a muscle in his jaw twitching.

The other man aggressively shoved Richie into the crowd, drawing all of the attention in the room to become directed on the three of them. Richie gave the man no time to think before he slammed his fist directly into his face, first one, and then relentlessly. The sound of his punches echoed off of the walls and mixed with Eddie's screams. Richie didn't pay his pleas any heed. No, Eddie, he wouldn’t stop. Not until Richie saw this dude’s face beaten to a bloody pulp. Richie kept hitting until he felt the cartilage in the man's nose shift at an odd angle.

Eddie grabbed onto the back of Richie's tuxedo frantically, "Richie! Richie! Get the fuck off of him! What’s wrong with you?"

Somehow, hearing the hurt in Eddie's voice made him even more frustrated. He looked back down at the man's beaten face, thinking of everything he might have already done with Eddie and his jealousy increased. "Fuck you! Fuck you!" Richie said through gritted teeth as he began punching the man again, unleashing all of his pent-up negative energy from the last four months.

“R-R-Ritchie! Stop!” Bill shouted, hauling him off of Eddie’s date.

Richie was frenzied, but Bill’s strong arms tightened around him, hindering his movements. When the beaten man lifted his head, pride and satisfaction welled up throughout Richie’s being. Blood from the man’s nose stained his shirt and his eye was almost swollen shut. Richie cackled obnoxiously as he began to taunt the male, flipping him off with both hands.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Richie!?” Eddie screamed over the music.

All of a sudden the music stopped and teachers, along with security guards, were swarming into the gymnasium. The principal, Mr. Miller, ran over and helped the injured male off of the floor, “What is going on here?”

“Well, you see here, I decided to rearrange this guy’s face because--”

Stan cut him off, “Beep Beep Richie!”  

"Tozier, Kaspbrak, Uris, and Denbrough, Leave the premises immediately!" The principal shouted furiously. Bill loosened his hold on Richie, who wiggled out of Bill’s arms a few moments later.

"No! Please. Mr. Miller, Bill and Stan had nothing to do with this-"

“Is that true, boys?” Mr. Miller asked.

Stan nodded his head in agreement with Eddie, while Bill took advantage of the principal’s distraction, “E-Eddie, you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to leave-”

“Yeah, I do, Bill. Stay here with the rest of the Losers and enjoy prom, okay? Dance with Stan. He really likes you.” Eddie’s voice came out as a whisper.

Bill blushed as he looked over to Stan, who was arguing with the principal. Mr. Miller motioned for Stan to shut up before turning to Bill, “Mr. Denbrough, is it true? You and Stanley had nothing to do with this.”

Bill looked at Eddie once again for confirmation. Eddie nodded his head slowly. “Y-Yeah. It’s true.”

“Okay. Escort the other two out.”

A security guard caught Eddie off guard, grabbing his wrist tightly. "Hey! Let go of me. If you bruise me, not even god will be able to protect you!"

Richie pushed the security guard preoccupied with Eddie, his anger coming back in vast quantities. “Hey! Let go of him-” Another security guard grabbed him harshly. “Whoa! Can you be less rough? You didn’t even buy me dinner first! I like to be wined and dined before-”

“Shut the fuck up, Richie!” Eddie snarled.

Richie became limp and complied with the security guard who was carrying him out. Meanwhile, Eddie pushed against his captor so much that they were practically dragging him out. The doors opened and the cold air hit their skin as they were thrown out onto the side of the building.

They both heard the door being slammed and locked behind them. Eddie shuddered as tears slipped past his eyes.

"Are you fucking serious, Richie!?" Eddie got into Richie’s face, almost spitting on him in his rage. "What the fuck was that back there? Huh!?"

"Look, I'm sorry, Eds."

"NO! Don't you dare!" Eddie screamed, pounding his fists against Richie's chest hard enough to bruise. "When you walked out on me you lost the right to call me that!" Richie looked down at him but did nothing to prevent Eddie's movements. "Why! Why did you pull this shit, huh!?" Eddie was on the verge of hyperventilating, gasping for air.

Richie reached into his pocket to grab the spare aspirator he carried, but Eddie was faster and got his inhaler first. "I can't change what I did. I'll go explain to the teachers that it was all my fault so you can go back and dance with your boyfriend ."

After taking a couple of hits, Eddie’s breath evened out, but his heart didn't. "So you do this just to spite me? Because you thought I had a boyfriend? That is what it is, isn't it? You don't want me to be happy. Not with you, or with anyone else!"

"No. You have it all wrong. I don't know why I did it, Eddie," Richie lied. He sighed deeply. "I'm sorry for destroying your night."

"You didn't destroy anything!" Richie looked at Eddie in confusion just as the boy began crying again, his body wracked with sobs. "You don't get to have this power over me! Not anymore, R-Richie! I am going to be happy because I deserve to be." Eddie pinched his upper nose, trying to force back the tears. "I just need some closure. I need to know why you left me, Richie. Please. You at least owe me that!"

Eddie's words hit Richie like a ton of bricks. This breakdown wasn't because of what happened right now; it was about how their friendship had ended months prior. He leaned against the wall and covered his face with his hands. Richie Tozier was never good at explaining his emotions, so he just stood there silently.

"I've never been good enough. That's what it comes down to, huh? You know deep down that you can find someone way better than me," Eddie broke the silence.

Richie winced at the melancholy tone of Eddie's voice. No. No. No! This was the opposite of what he wanted. He stared at Eddie's face, taking in just how swollen and scarlet his cheeks were from crying. Richie had caused Eddie pain. Again. Fuck, he hated himself. Eddie turned around with his head hung low in shame, not wanting any of Richie's pity.

Richie's heart beat faster when Eddie turned around and began to walk away. Everything moved in slow motion, but his thoughts were forming rapidly. He had already lost Eddie once before, realized his feelings when it was too late, and now it was going to happen for a second time. His mouth felt like cotton, and he could feel the heat burning his face as the gears in his head worked on overdrive.

Tonight he had helped Ben, Beverly, Stan, and Bill come into the arms of the ones they loved. Yet, he still had trouble letting go. To love someone in that way meant that they could end up hating each other, just like his parents. Or they could end up permanently separated between life and death, just like Eddie's. Richie didn't want that because that meant he was vulnerable and exposed. Everyone would know his weakness and could exploit it, given a chance.

But Eddie was going to walk away forever. None of that would matter if that happened, because he and Eddie would have no story to tell. He would fall in his mother's footsteps and become an alcoholic, because without Eddie, why would life be worth living?

Maybe loving Eddie made him stronger.

"Eddie!"  Richie's voice sounded foreign to him, but Eddie turned around, only a few feet away from Richie. "There is no one in this world better for me than you. It's always been you too, Eds!"

Suddenly their bodies were drawn together. Who had moved first was not clear, but it didn't matter. Their lips were finally clashing together. They ignored the initial awkwardness of their noses smacking together and continued kissing. Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie's neck, deepening the passionate kiss between them.

Richie's mind was going haywire; one second they were fighting with each other, and the next he was ravaging Eddie up against the wall of the gymnasium, the smell of his cologne and shampoo fueling the fire burning in his belly.

Richie brushed his tongue against Eddie's bottom lip, earning him a shocked groan, but he had no time to ask if there was something wrong. He forced his way into the man's mouth and began to overtake him, immediately tasting minty toothpaste. When he felt Eddie respond to him and their tongues met, Richie became a starving man. He wrapped his arms around Eddie tightly and began to haul him up.

Eddie's desire to be closer to Richie gave him enough confidence to wrap his strong legs around the older male's waist as Richie picked him up. He tightened his current position, making him appear to be bear hugging Richie, their lips still connected as their tongues battled for dominance.

Richie's hands rubbed the back of Eddie's thighs and trailed up his body to take their rightful place on his hips. He pulled away from Eddie’s mouth, trying to catch his breath. "I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner, I just couldn't-"

Eddie brought his finger up to Richie's lips and shushed him. Once he was sure Richie was going to stay quiet, he placed his forehead against Richie's gently, looking deeply into his eyes. "I love you, Richie Tozier."

Richie grinned fondly taking the opportunity to kiss Eddie's button nose. "I love you too, Eddie Kaspbrak. Always have, always will." His confession came out curt and sweet, but Richie wouldn't be Richie without throwing in a joke. "Does this mean I’m gonna get laid?" He laughed.

Eddie arched his eyebrows as he leaned over to whisper in Richie's ear, "That depends. Take me home and find out, Trashmouth."

[nieuwsuitdejungle]

Blog Post Three

Sunday 26th of November

Statistics:

Number of layers of upper body clothing I wear on average: 6

Number of hot soy chocolate milks made for me this week: 4

Number of times I had to show my passport to cross the channel: 5

Number of things that passed the MOT but really shouldn’t have: countless

Number of nights that it hasn’t rained in the past week: 0

Now that we’ve got that first on the ground blog post over, I’ve settled down a bit more.

Let’s start with some domestic updates. A very generous and kind lady did a fundraiser for us last week to buy the team some treats. This means that we now have our cabin cupboards filled with pasta, biscuits, plant based milk and hazelnut flavoured instant coffee. On top of that we all got our own mugs! Which means we don’t have to share the two chipped ones we had left among the six of us anymore and we can all have hot soy chocolate milks at the same time instead of taking turns. Besides that update, my range of tasks and responsibilities has been expanded: I am now the car(s) and warehouse key keeper, and the official tea/sugar ziplocked-bag-maker. Lastly, I have adopted some steel-toed orphan hiking boots from the warehouse that we are unable to distribute since they are far too heavy. This means I won’t be needing a gym membership. It’s leg day every day for the upcoming weeks.

Over the past two weeks I’ve caught myself saying rather strange things. That would, in any other setting not make sense. For example, here it’s really normal to say “I just had the best shower, it was candle lit because the light didn’t work but the lock on the door actually did work and there was warm water!”. Or “Sure kitten, just come into the toilet with me, no problem, who needs personal space anyway”. Or “Let’s take part in this competition at the supermarket where you can win 100 Euros so we can buy more baby wipes”.

Back to the actual work though. This week I was part of team administration. We made schedules for food distribution, clothing distribution, and when and where the different medical organisations are on the ground. We made loads of phone calls to establish the current situation and arranged a meeting to discuss a new project we will be starting, about which I will tell you next time.

Monday I had a rough distribution day. It was my first time doing distribution in the jungle in Calais. This jungle is much bigger than the one in Grande-Synthe. Usually we distribute for the women in Calais two times a week, but now we are in a trial phase where we go three times a week. With the changing conditions in the camp (this week it has rained every single night and the temperatures have dropped even more) we want to check up on our women more often.

However, this meant that we were there on a day people were not expecting us plus we had to park in a different spot than usual. This meant that we weren’t fully able to create a safe and quiet space for our ladies in the jungle since a couple of men came over to our van to see what was going on and then shouted to the others that were standing in line for food that there was a clothing distribution going on. In no time our van was surrounded by men who were cold, wet and frustrated.

Usually when men come up to our van we kindly ask them to leave the safe space we try to create for women. Almost always this works perfectly fine and is respected. This time, however, the situation felt more grim, to the point where we decided to close our van and felt forced stop the distribution.

It is at times like this when I feel most helpless, unable to provide this vulnerable group of women who are living outside under harsh conditions a few moments in a safe space, a sliver of humanity. In the end we did manage to spend some time with the women whilst they were eating food, something they always insist on sharing with us, they literally feed us by spooning food into our mouths.

My days here are filled with extreme lows and extreme highs, something we often share in the evenings as I’ve previously mentioned. It’s a way of rewinding and making sure everyone is getting things off their chest. Since I’ve now heard more of them, I’m starting to see a pattern.

The lows usually have one thing in common: we all feel as if we are powerless and helpless.  As a member of the team said this morning, you actually feel more helpless being here then when you were back at home. With the weather worsening every day, the camp conditions become more unbearable for the refugees. There is only so much we can do and we have to say no to so many people on a daily basis. There is increased pressure from the police as well as a lack of resources with numerous new refugees arriving in the jungle every day. The people we are trying to help are so vulnerable and we often feel as if we can’t do enough. I woke up last night because the wind was howling and rain was pouring down heavily. I quickly closed my window to prevent my sleeping bag from getting wet. It’s small things like this that make you realize that the refugees have no windows to close, no protection from the rain or the cold.

The highs on the other end also have something in common. They usually consist of unexpected moments of humanity or normality. Whether it is playing Kurdish music from our car and dancing together with the women or someone asking after getting inside the cabin from a long day on the ground “would any of you ladies like to have a hot beverage”, it’s the people around me who create the highs. It is this sense of community that keeps us going amongst all the despair and uncertainty. Every day I meet new heroes without capes. A Belgian women who drives up to the jungle every five days to hand out clean socks to the refugees and takes the dirty ones home to wash so that they can be reused. The numerous citizens of Calais who host one or two young refugees in their own homes to provide a sense of home. Amazing youngsters that work so hard at the warehouses every day to make the work on the ground possible. It is this sense of solidarity that touches everyone here and softens us.

After rough days like this Monday, it is so nice to go home, talk about it and munch on delicious food together. This day especially: we had delicious homemade falafel! Everyone helped making it by chopping onions, crushing the chickpeas by hand, making salad and other tasty toppings.

On Wednesday I went on a little one day across-the-border-adventure. Our trusty Henrietta needed to be MOT-ed. Yes that’s right, we are the proud owners of a fourth hand 1993 Honda Civic EJ1, a car  featured in Fast and the Furious, a pretty badass ride. We had to go to Dover to get it checked since she is a British lady, and she did so well! The day started off a bit unlucky since we missed the boat and Henrietta was slightly suicidal at first with driving on the left hand side of the road (we nearly took her the wrong way round the roundabout).  But from there everything went really smoothly. We left our baby at the garage and did some on-the-road administration. We carry around all your office essentials, including stamps, folders, laptops, a full size printer and most important: sweet potato crisps. When we returned at the garage it turned out there were only a few things that needed to be fixed, which could be done right on the spot. We were over the moon that they didn’t say anything about the wing mirror we carefully taped back into place that very morning, the fact that the tyres are worn or the rear spoiler that literally fell off five minutes after receiving the MOT certificate (don’t worry, I’ll super glue it back on, we clearly don’t want that to lose any of those aerodynamics).

We returned late in the evening at the cabin with sticky toffee pudding for the girls that had been on the ground all day. And let me tell you, surprising people with sticky toffee pudding is always a good idea. Especially when you heat it up in the microwave, simply hand everyone a spoon and eat it straight out of the tin.

Unlike Monday, the Friday distribution in Calais went really well. The atmosphere was really relaxed. This was partially because a group of Italian musicians came to the Jungle to play music for the refugees. Everyone gathered in a circle around the band and joined in with the music by singing, clapping and dancing. It is astonishing to see how music can bring people together, how it can lift the mood and take peoples' minds off of the misery they are in, if only for a moment. In this way we managed to keep the area around our van free from men (which is always a plus), drink tea and share meals.

On Saturday we all had a day off. Me and two other girls of the team went on a little sightseeing trip to Boulogne sur Mer. Which indeed does feel a bit odd, to spend a day being a tourist whilst you know there are people who need your help. But it is something that we consider as necessary to keep on doing this. In order to take care of other people, it is important to take care of yourself. So we drove up there, walked on the beach, ate crepes and of course the topic of all our chats was still the refugees. We drove back in the evening and I was once again reminded of the horrors of the situation here. As you drive down the highway in Northern France, you are very likely to come across a sign saying: ‘slow down; risk of pedestrians or obstacles on the road’. The more desperate people get, the bigger risks they will take, and this involves crossing the highway by foot. It scares me a bit how I am now at a point where I don’t find this an odd sign at all anymore. How this has become part of my reality now.

On Sunday we had four families returning from accommodation centres to the Jungle in Grande Synthe. They said that they had been told that their month in the accommodation centre was up and that they would have to apply for asylum in France if they wished to stay longer. Because applying for asylum in France was not an option for them, they returned to the Jungle where we tried to provide them with blankets, sleeping bags and tents to get through the night. In the afternoon we did some arts and crafts with their kids. Whilst we sat on cushions in one of the parking lots in the Jungle we made animals on paper plates out of glitter, feathers and stickers, whilst eating biscuits, drinking tea and giggling. Some of the moms joined us for some colouring, probably in an attempt to get their minds off of the situation their families are in.

At the end of the day one of the men helped us gather all our stuff and put it back in the car. In somewhat broken English he told us about his life back in Kurdistan, where he was a carpenter building houses and how in his free time he did gymnastics. He showed me videos of him doing backflips and challenged us to do push-ups with him. I managed to improve my Kurdish language skills by learning the words for ‘tall’ and ‘short’ (something he has quizzed me on every day ever since).

Getting to know people on a personal level and creating trust is a vital aspect of being in the Jungle every day; it is the least we can do. Not seeing the situation through the news that tells you about numbers and facts, but through the eyes of actual people, with their own personal stories; that is what this is about. It feels intimate and I feel honoured to be let in like that by the people here, by people who want to share their stories, that want to be heard, and trust me enough to do that.

You can’t ask me what it is like to volunteer here, what the situation is like, it’s too much to explain. Just as it is impossible for me to understand what it is like to actually live in the Jungle. But you can ask me to share my stories, their stories, to share moments and experiences.

My next post will be on men, treasure hunting in the warehouse, horrible evictions in the Jungle and a random stranger paying for my drink.

[funsizedkola]

Beyond The Surface

A/N: So this was meant to be a thank you gift for @vividlylost for this lovely art she did of my SOUL, but as usual my writing... took the longer scenic route. And since this is very much a Self Insert oneshot (starring ME!!!) there is first person POV, so be warned. Also it takes place in the Underswap universe because why not, I have a soft spot for that AU~! And it involves a headcanon or two I have considering a certain skeleton. ^_^

I felt jealous for the monsters. Living conditions pre-imprisonment aside, it was easy to see how they’re magical beings of Hope, Love, and Compassion. They get to be in tune with their magic, their soul, what with how it literally is what their bodies are made of. They’re not perfect, but they can see the entirety of themselves and what their capable of.

Something that I wish I had way before I fell Underground.

It was... weird, seeing my soul. Unlike Chara’s (which had a hue of pure red that mirrored their eyes and sarcastic yet strong spirit), mine was an unusual mix of dulled yellow and faded blue. It didn’t look that impressive, yet it felt like it was me. Like an imaginary friend of mine had come back to life, albeit lacking some of the life I would conduct through them.

It didn’t initially do wonders for my self-esteem, especially with the strange looks I would get from the monsters that I had encounters with (and the look that Undyne gave it like it was a discovery that had to be analyzed and maybe fiddled with) and how Chara would protect it like it would easily fizzle away against the bullets aimed my way. But I would somehow still feel assured at looking at that cartoon heart that gave me nostalgic feelings of when I was a spunky kid that was firm in what was right or wrong before life took its toll on me. And that was what helped me keep up with my smaller companion as we headed towards the Queen and the barrier that she had sworn to demolish.

I made some amazing friends. I solved puzzles with anticipation. Sometimes gave puns with a nervous yet cheeky grin. I would give MERCY. But I also stood my ground. I challenged monsters to think of another way aside from adding more bloodshed that already darkened their history. I still cried at times at how much burden us two unexpected humans were given. But I also was protective of Chara and was driven to free monsterkind from their unfair fate.

With each FIGHT we spared and each obstacle we survived by teamwork and extending a hand of friendship, the colors of my soul became more defined, more prominent. The yellow light brightened like an awakening sun while moving in tangent with the wisps of royal blue, a combination that reminded me of the sky that I promised myself that everyone will get to see. And when we all were gifted the view of a world that felt more open to possibilities like never before, it was as if the sunlight was giving the last rays of rejuvenation to brighten my soul despite not having it beckoned from the pull of one’s magic.

Never before had I felt such happiness with myself.

I’ve yet to learn how to beckon it out with my own capability, but someday I will. Soon... Hopefully...

Of course, rain clouds arrived here and their. Humanity has yet to understand monster like Chara and I have, and who knows how long it will take. But with every opportunity I would take to have another glance at my soul, whether by letting Undyne and Papyrus give it a scan with their machines or reluctantly accepting a training session with Alphys and Sans, I would feel myself stand on steadier ground as the magical light emitting from my essence brightened my day once again.

“I’m gonna die.”

“OF COURSE NOT!”

“Tell Chara to stay in school. Continue punning in my honor. And don’t let Papyrus eat my stash of sweets.”

“I WON’T NEED TO!”

“ Least I find a way to haunt him from my grave. And extract much needed revenge on him. Y’know what, my demise won’t be so bad after.”

“HUMAN.”

“Still haven’t paid him back for putting frozen spaghetti in my sock drawer the last time he got drunk. Oh, just you wait Paps. My ghost shall strike vengeance for those tomato stains that ruined my-”

My name was called, breaking me from my ramblings induced by fatigue and thirst for cool water. A cyan flush decorated Sans’ cheekbones as he looked down at me from where I flopped on the ground.

Oh, right, socks are a subject that’s not meant to be casual with monsters. Whoops.

Coughing in his fist in awkwardness, he still maintained eye contact as he then outstretched his hand to help me up.

“PERHAPS INSTEAD YOU CAN PLAN REVENGE AFTER SOME FOOD?”

Okay. So maybe I can put aside moving onto the next world for now.

“Tacos?” I asked hopefully.

Mirth was in his eyelights as he helped me up, giving a wink. “BUT OF COURSE.”

A simple yet eager fistpump was made as I followed him to the picnic table. Today’s training was just composed of Sans and I, what with Chara being occupied with homework and Alphys absent in favor of another date with Undyne. Which I was fine with, considering how I prefer dodging bone attacks over magical axes. Yikes.

I let my head rest on my arms as I listened to Sans use his phone to use his dimensional box. By the time I decided to prop my chin against my hand, a plate of fresh tacos and a bottle of water were pushed in my direction. Grinning, I mouthed a quick ‘Thank You~’ before indulging in the slightly greasy food. Despite what people may assume about Sans, he did have a guilty pleasure of enjoying some unhealthy foods. He just likes to disguise it by pretending he cooks it for the sake of others. Oh but you’ve learned to see past that white lie. Not like he has a risk gaining weight, what with his regular workouts and lack of human-like mass outside of a skeletal frame.

“IS THERE SOMETHING ON MY FACE...?”

Well, looks like I’ve awkwardly zoned out again. An attempt to speak was halted as I first decided to swallow my portion before waving a hand dismissively.

“Nah, just envying the lack of carbs you’ll gain. I mean, these tacos technically don’t have that as well, what with magical and all but... y’know?”

Thanks severely unathletic bod. For making my chatter harder to reign in. Sans didn’t seem bothered with it as he had an assuring yet bright look on his surprisingly expressive skull.

“HUMAN. BELIEVE ME. I THINK YOUR ONE WORTHY TO BE ENVIED AS WELL.”

Oh gosh. He’s just too good to be real. Looks like I’ll once again be envying Paps with being able to live with this guys. Letting out a laugh as I shook my head, I looked down at my taco and pretended I was just flushing from exhaustion.

“I’M SERIOUS!”

“‘Kay, if you insist.”

The feeling of his shinning eyelights still focused on me had me fidget in my seat before deciding to answer.

“Well... I guess I’m not too shabby.”

A proud “MWEH” was made as another victory was made by the Magnificent Sans. Continuing to eat in peace, I chewed silently before taking a swig of water and pausing.

“I...”

Seeing Sans look back up at me, I hesitated before taking a small breath and continuing.

“I probably wouldn’t have agreed with you, if you said that to me when we first met.”

Brows were raised as his next bite was halted before he set it down and tiled his head a bit in curiosity. Well, might as well go through with this. I refrained from biting my lip and looked back down at my plate instead.

“You saw the state my soul used to be. It was a pretty accurate show of how I viewed myself. It was... hard. Seeing myself as someone who... mattered. Meant something. And could back that up.”

He wasn’t responding. And that was fine. I just... needed to say this, for some reason.

“I’ve had a good life before, but somehow I manage to work up a storm of insecurity. Some days going a bit too far than needed. I just... had difficulty believing that I was good, that I deserved what I had. Because I never found much evidence proving that.”

A hand ran through my sweaty hair that I forgot to push back with a headband as I tapped a finger on the table.

“Then I... saw my soul. It looked abnormal, sure, but seeing it turn into something so wonderful that... that was still me. It was like everything I wanted and more. Eheh... that’s mostly why I’m willingly to train every week. All that physical and emotional exertion is worth it to see my entire being again.”

The only sound was the background noise of birds chirping and distant barks of a dog being walked on the other side of the park. The lack of response was starting to get to me as I wondered if maybe I was being too honest with myself.

A small nervous laugh was made across from the table.

“I... have a confession to make.”

Looking back at the surprisingly shy look on his face as he rubbed the back of his skull, his lowered yet hesitant tone showing a more vulnerable side that I don’t think I’ve yet to personally see.

“I’m the one that’s jealous of you.”

What.

Another nervous laugh emitted from his slightly dimmed smile before his sockets showed a matching expression of unease.

“I can understand what it’s like to not feel all that confident in yourself. Since I may always feel like that.”

Concern was pushing aside my awkward worries as I sat up straighter.

“My stats are not... that impressive. Especially considering my HP.”

That was true. Back during the first fight Chara and I had against Sans, we were pretty surprised at how little strength he actually had.

HP 10/1

The only advantage he could have with his stats was having a nap to give it a little boost that only match with half of one of ours. Combined with how he could only deal 1 point of damage at a time, we thought that we’d just have to worry with not accidentally dusting him. But he proved us wrong and we ended up waking up in the shed with killer headaches.

“And... it’s always been like that.”

Seeing how he also decided to aim dulled eyelights at his food instead of my gaze, I was taken aback at how small his voice sounded.

“I am ashamed to admit, but... I envied you. But not in an entirely good way. Seeing how you were able to change while I could not, despite trying for so long. You...  You make it look so easy.”

The glimmer of bioluminescent tears starting to well at the corner of his sockets kept me stunned.

“i’m sorry.”

Oh Sans...

“i guess the truth is that i really am not that m-”

SLAM

Getting up from my seat, my hands stinged a bit from how hard I hit the table as I then made my way around to his side. He said my name in worry, but whether it was for himself or for me didn’t matter as I then plopped down next to him and pulled him into my arms. His frame jerked but hardly jostled me as I held onto him some more, propping my chin on his shoulder.

“Never. Ever. Say that about yourself,” I said with as much conviction as I could muster. “Don’t you dare. Because that’s not the truth. Far from it.”

Closing my eyes as I felt tears of my own threatening to spill, I drew in a shaky breath before continuing.

“You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. If there ever was a monster who defined those traits that embodied your souls, it would be you.”

The sounds of his bones rattling a bit under his uniform had me pause before verbally charging onwards.

“I don’t care what your stats are. And I definitely don’t think it’s fair to compare yourself to me. Because you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re a great older brother Papyrus, you rightfully earned your position in the royal guard, you’ve helped Chara open up in ways that I couldn’t,  a-and you are one of the b-best friends I could ever asked for.”

With how emotionally sensitive I am, it was no surprise that I was turning into a bit of a mess alongside Sans as he began holding me as well, tears of salt and magic starting to fall and dampen each other’s shoulders. We took a moment together to just let ourselves be more honest than usual with each other, having no care of what’s going on outside of this unexpected yet undoubtedly crucial stepping stone between us.

How much time that passed was unsure, but it felt like time well spent as our grip on each other eventually softened into a comfortable hold.

Pulling away a bit, he took a deep breath as he wiped away at his sockets, an action mirrored by me as I gave a wry smile.

“So...”

“... So...”

“That was a thing.”

Flushing in embarrassment, Sans looked away for a moment before a look of conviction set in his face and he looked back at me.

“But a good thing.”

Feeling my grin widened as I shrugged, I felt another tingle that seemed to be deep within my soul as if my inner light grew just a little bit brighter.

“I guess so.”

I then had to resist the urge to wince at suddenly brightened eyelights morphed into stars.

“AND SOUL ESSENTIAL TOO!”

...

...

...

“That’s it, noogie time!”

“MWEH?!”

“Oh, don’t expect to escape punishment for ruining the- HEY THAT’S CHEATING!”

“MWEH-HEH-HEH-HEH, SEE THAT I DO JUST DO THAT!”

Okay. So getting back at a teleporting skeleton may be harder than pranking his brother. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t try.

... Until I decide to just go back to eating again.

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: Makeover

Masterpost

4x03: Makeover

And here we are -- the lead in to the break up.  Where Kurt is going to learn that good things in life don’t always come easy or free.  

Kurt doesn’t get a whole lot of things to do in season 4, but what he does get is a lesson in growing up.  That things change a lot between 18-22, and that as much as you want things to stay the same, they really can’t.  

I also need to say that this episode is about Makeovers for a reason.  It’s not just about Rachel’s literal makeover -- it’s about the show, and season 4, and this is a way of the writers saying, hey, the show is different now.  Whether it works or not is debatable -- but I do believe early season 4 was meant to be a reset for the series -- hence a makeover. 

Skype Session

So - even though I should, I’m not going to go in-depth into Blaine’s story -- but thing we should know is that Blaine is kind of downward spiraling at this point.  He’s kind of a lost puppy.  While Kurt is more individualistic by nature, Blaine is not, and with out his ‘anchor’ he’s kind of at a loss.  

While all this is going on back at McKinley, Kurt is in New York -- enjoying his life, kinda of figuring things out.  It’s my own speculation - but I’m guessing there’s a lot of prepping for NYADA auditions (I mean, there is that tape of him singing an acoustic version of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go that he sends to Carmen Tibideaux) but also, he’ll mention in season five that he spent a lot of time just exploring and getting to know the city.  While Rachel is at school, and drooling over Brody, that gives Kurt a lot of free time -- so I suspect he’s going out and seeing the world.  

Kurt and Blaine are still Skyping each other, probably every night -- but Blaine’s feeling the distance (both literally and figuratively).  Does Kurt feel it, too? Probably, but not in the same way.  Look, this is how I feel about it.  Kurt’s discovering his new life, his new world.  And that can be exciting.  

No - I don’t think he’s really aware of just how much Blaine is flailing.  I mean -- remember Dance With Somebody? This is kind of a blown up version of that -- where Kurt’s caught up a lot in new things, and Blaine’s going inward.  Whatever is going on in these Skype sessions -- it’s not discussions of how Blaine is feeling.  

Oh communication issues -- Klaine’s biggest obstacle.  

Meanwhile, they are talking about Treme how it’s awful.  (That’s pretty funny.)  

And look, I know that’s not how Skype sessions would probably work in real life.  It’s visually entertaining, though, so I’m not going to be hard on this particular moment.  

Vogue.com

This sequence actually begins with Kurt looking in the mirror -- trying to find something to wear to an interview at Vogue.com.  And it’s interesting, because there’s a hodge-podge of old outfits he’s worn during the series during the little montage.  

So - I’m gonna say this.  No. A high school graduate probably could not walk into Vogue.com and snatch an internship.  Real life does not work that way, and most of what happens during the College-esque years is so untrue it’s a bit crazy.  Any creative avenue is going to be tough work.  And Glee, in all of its plot lines -- Rachel and Broadway, Mercedes and a record (though she does get some realism in hers), Kurt and Vogue, general living in New York -- all of it is way too easy compared to real life.  

But -- it’s a little bit of magical realism. Interestingly, these stories are not about the ins and outs of getting into a creative field.  It’s about these characters.  Kurt’s vogue.com story is not about his fashion career (it’ll be a little about Rachel, in which I groan...) but it’s more so about his life in New York and his distance from Blaine.  And i’ll suspend my disbelief because I’m more interested in the story of characters than I am in how Glee gets all of the real life details right. 

Meanwhile - Kurt is the only one who doesn’t sing his way to New York, even if he gets to come up the magical staircase leading to Manhattan.  (He does this three times that I can think of in the series)  Does that mean something? I don’t know.  But it was interesting, and I thought I’d point it out.  

Kurt before his interview - as everyone tells him about Isabelle Wright.  It makes me wonder if they wanted to give this fearful Devil Wears Prada vibe about Vogue.com before we meet the sweet and not at all scary Isabelle. 

Anyway - we learn that Isabelle is from Ohio.  And we get one of my favorite jokes about Isabelle getting sick from Breadstix.  Lol. 

Ah - Kurt has put together a collection of all his outfits.  Makes me wonder if these were test shots used for the costume department, lol.  But - we learn a lot about Kurt in this bit.  He’s been blogging about fashion for years.  He reads every fashion magazine known to man.   As we know, he goes out of his way to create new looks.  He has quite the aptitude for it.  

(Wait -- why did Kurt not go into fashion again?) 

Kurt’s body language is interesting throughout this interview.  He actually comes off as shy and nervous - a bit different from that hard-as-nails persona he often gives off.  While I’m sure he would have been a little more forceful had Isabelle been more like Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada -- I think this Kurt here is one of the most genuine Kurts we get.  And, idk, it’s sweet.  

Anyway -- Isabelle has a lot of issues of her own, and apparently connecting to this kid from Ohio is helping her figure her own baggage.  But there’s a line that really sticks out to me -- 

Kurt: Like you said in Vanity Fair ‘I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t failed big at least once’. 

I just think it’s interesting because -- at this point, Kurt is counting his NYADA audition as his big failure.  But to me, I think he has another big failure lurking around the corner...one that’s going to affect him more than NYADA... 

We learn about about Kurt in this scene.  His fashion icons include Audrey Hepburn, Michelle Obama, and Isabelle.  And his future dreams are working in fashion and starring on Broadway.  

And Isabelle kind of adores his open optimism.  You know -- and it’s fascinating when I think about it.  Because I think in this moment, despite the fact that NYADA feels like a set back, Kurt’s come to New York with a new sense of determination.  And although realistic is not in his vocabulary -- Isabelle calls him a big dreamer, and that’s exactly what he is.  And I think just coming to New York feels like a step in the right direction.  If I can make it out here, I can do anything. 

So -- Isabelle hires him.  Because he’s young and naive and optimistic and bright.  And yes, New York is for dreamers.  But it also can eat you up and spit you back out.  And while New York might not do that for Kurt exactly, the time bomb of reality is about to go off. 

Unexpected Leather

Man, I always liked this look on Kurt -- it never really stuck around.  But I’ll appreciate it while I can.  

Also - Even more grown up Season 4 Kurt now looks like a bb, too.  Geez, we’re all getting older. 

Well -- Isabelle is a spiraling mess, mostly because she is an artist and not manager.  Two different skill sets there.  (I’m bypassing the whole meeting -- eesh).  But at least Kurt has enough sense to know how to play it, and is open and honest, while understanding that his place is an intern.  Though -- it’s kind of hilarious when he offers Isabelle a place to say if everything falls apart, and Isabelle just groans and is like - what is my life. 

Makeover

So - Rachel’s having issues again, cause it’s Rachel.  Look -- okay.  My season 4 Hummelberry issues are not going to be as whiny as they were in season 3.  I’ve made my peace with a lot of it -- especially since Rachel trying to be this new grown up Rachel and then kind of failing at that is what her season 4 story is all about.  

But I do have one big issue.  With the exception of the Klaine story -- all Kurt story lines are tied in with Rachel’s.  He doesn’t get /any/ individualism in this season.  I realize a lot of Kurt fans were upset at Blaine about this, but I just want to say I don’t blame.  I don’t even blame Rachel.  Why the writers decided to make Kurt a secondary character in this season, I don’t know.  But -- I will take the all the Kurt I can get in this season.  And I’ll play nice, I promise. 

Now -- I’m not so sure I agree with Kurt’s ideology here. Yeah -- there are elements about high school that don’t change in the real world.  But, I don’t necessarily believe that completely changing who you are is really the key, either.  And Rachel is going to take this kind of to the extreme -- more so than what Kurt probably, originally, had in mind. 

And it’s interesting, Kurt says that Rachel needs to change how she looks to feel differently, and I mean, I can see why he would say that, and I suppose that would explain the outfit he’s wearing right now and the slightly different hair style, but mostly he doesn’t need to change because he doesn’t need to feel that different?  Idk...

But -- I do think Kurt’s been itching to makeover Rachel for years.  I mean, anyone else remember Hairography? As he says here -- he wants to kill two birds with one stone -- give Rachel a new, adult look so she can feel better about herself, and help Isabelle land a project.  And it’s win-win for him (as in Rachel will stop ridiculous, and he’ll earn points with Isabelle).  It’s innovate if nothing else. 

(as an aside -- I swear, this whole plot line is here so that Rachel can look more like Lea.  **rolls eyes**) 

Oh Hummelberry and you’re little adventurous streak.  It cracks me up that this is the second time they decide to break and enter somewhere (the first time being the Broadway stage in New York).  And it’s not entirely breaking and entering since Kurt has some sort of key (my god -- they would not give an intern a key to the place, lol).  But they’re adorable because they’re always so fail at being rebellions.  

Well -- it’s a good thing Isabelle is a literal fairy godmother - and not an actual manager - because instead of getting in trouble, they decide to make a music video.  (At least Glee tries by having police officers with Isabelle.) 

So - Kurt decides to get a wardrobe change -- fascinating suit Kurt -- and now that it’s 1am-ish, Isabelle and Kurt makeover Rachel while singing The Way You Look Tonight/You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile.  

I’m gonna be honest -- I don’t have a lot to say about the actual music in this one.  Sarah Jessica Parker - whom I actually like - isn’t the strongest singer, but she’s fun and lighthearted in the way this sequence needed to be.  Kurt and Rachel sound as lovely as ever.  And I adore that Kurt’s singing this little love song to clothes and fashion.  

It’s a cute performance, and very sweet.  I also love that Kurt has this kind of Tim Gunn-ish feel about him during it. 

I should also add Kurt gets a lot of flack for this when later he’ll complain that she’s this new and annoying Rachel later in Diva.  Here’s my thing about this -- Kurt’s intentions, besides wanting to overhaul her ridiculous wardrobe - was to help her figure herself out.  Only Rachel, though, can really do that.  And Rachel latching onto being this New and Improved Rachel, which is just an outer shell of a person (real change comes from within) is not Kurt’s fault.  

Skype Sessions II

First. On a shallow note.  A shoutout to this sweater -- which actually made its debut in season 3.  But man, all the fanfic this thing inspired.  Mine included, lol. 

Anyway - so Kurt makes his video.  And what does he do that night? He chatters happily about it to Blaine over Skype.  (You can’t tell in this shot, but he’s actually very giddy during most of this conversation.)  

I’m sad this is the best shot of this scene I could get, lol. 

Anyway -- I haven’t really mentioned Blaine’s story.  But - hey, Blaine’s doing all sorts of things over at McKinley, and go watch this episode as a whole, cause it’s super entertaining (and horribly heartbreaking).  

I kind of have two thoughts about this whole thing though. 

1. Blaine takes Kurt’s excitement over everything New York as vindication that Kurt’s happy now - but in a life that doesn’t involve him.  He feels his fears and worries about Kurt being done with him are true - and at this point, Blaine feels as though his relationship with Kurt is done. 

2. Kurt’s on a totally different page.  They’re so not done.  He loves Blaine so much -- he’s just (understandably) getting used to his new life, and it is exciting. And him telling Blaine about it is a sign that he still wants Blaine to be a part of his life.  However, his single-mindedness is totally causing him to miss the signs that things are very much not okay with Blaine.  And right now, he and Blaine are very much in two different places.  

The thing is - relationships are hard work, long distance or not.  As I said before, Blaine doesn’t have enough trust that the relationship will work -- and fears the worst without communicating to his boyfriend that things are wrong.  Meanwhile, Kurt has too much trust that everything is fine, and neglecting to check in and put more of an effort in (his dismissiveness of Blaine’s tie question is incredibly telling -- Blaine’s reaching out to Kurt as a way to be on Kurt’s level, and Kurt waves it off without a thought) is what’s going to doom this relationship.  

(Cheating was a symptom not a cause.  But I suppose I’ll talk more about that next episode.) 

I’m not going to say that breaking up is the best answer.  However, given that that’s how the narrative is -- I do think they each benefit from it.  (From both break ups actually) Blaine’s going to learn how to be himself as an individual, and Kurt’s going to learn how not to take his relationship for granted. But we’re a long, long away from that.  The story is getting rockier and darker, but it’s also about going from this nice and lovely fairy tale to this real relationship. And about how these two end up growing into an adult relationship.  And I kind of love it, even if it’s really going to suck for a while. 

Innocence Lost

Kurt’s idea of a fashion video apparently impressed Anna Wintour.  Go Kurt! 

Kurt finally gets a notch in the ‘win’ column.  However, because this is Glee, success always has a price.  It’s foreshadowing that Isabelle hopes that he never loses that wide-eyed Mid-Western optimism.  And, oh boy.  That’s so going to change.  Kurt’s world view, at this point, is so idealistic and romanticized.  It’s incredibly sad that this Kurt is about to be shattered -- and never really be back again. I think what almost makes it worse is that Kurt doesn’t see it coming.    But I mean -- all of these ups and downs of Kurt’s life have been so fascinating to watch, even if it’s heartbreaking.  

Meanwhile, Kurt, rightfully, calls Isabelle his fairy godmother.  And I enjoy her in that role.  I do agree, too, when she says he has an aptitude for fashion.  Oh this show and its rigidness about having all the kids be performers ultimately. 

Oh c’mon Kurt -- remember what happened last time you neglected your phone call? ;) 

Man - this moment is just loaded.  Kurt’s hesitation about picking up the phone is more of a metaphor than about the actual incident itself.  I mean, we don’t know that Kurt didn’t call Blaine back later (though you could have texted a quick note, Kurt!) But it’s more so about the decision to put his relationship on hold for his life in New York.  And no, I don’t think it’s wrong for Kurt to be enjoying his successes -- especially since landing this new internship, that could be a career forward option, is a big. deal.  But life is about finding balance, and right now -- as Blaine stated in the beginning, he and Blaine /are/ out of sync. And Kurt ignoring the phone call is also ignoring the issues that are going on in his relationship, whether he’s conscious of that or not.   

But I also like to remind people that these two are just 18-ish.  Which is still so young.  And they’re allowed to stumble and make mistakes, it’s how you learn. 

So yeah -- next up is The Break Up.  And I know that a lot of people wanted more set up than just this episode, but looking back, I think there was more set up in season 3 than we might of realized (or wanted to realize) at the time.  I’m not convinced, in hindsight, that it came out of nowhere.  But, ah, here we are, on the edge... 

[alunasky-blog]

Universe Twin Souls Mystery Awakened...

How to know if you have met your Twin Soul, the other half of your soul, one half of perfection, your equal soul...

“You will feel an overwhelming sense of love and attraction. A sense of completion that goes beyond words. A magnetism to the other stronger than anything you have ever experienced. You will compliment one another.”

With Cazuki & I, it was fast & I did keep being pulled to him when I saw him again over 10 years later, when I was 21 & he 22. He was drawn & pulled to me too. We fell in love at lightning speed, but the magnetic pull started early when we were kids. We both had crushes on each other & both felt the strong soul connection between us.

“The ability to literally feel one another whether you are with or without your equal soul physically. The power to touch the other without physical means from great  distance. The ability to feel each others emotions whether they be happy or sad from great distance.”

You know if you have met your Twin Soul if this happens not only when you are together, but when you are torn apart from each other. Being apart from him, I can feel his sadness, his fears, his pain, his tortures, his despair, his sexual torment situation that he´s in & his love. I can feel physical pains from him too. He has injuries from a motorbike accident before we met, so he would still feel pains on his hip & leg, I feel this too, but especially my thumbs, which he had a habit of clicking & would feel pain. 

“Synchronicities will be abundant. You may find yourselves calling, emailing & texting one another at the same time.”

When we got together, we did call & text & email at the same time, but even apart, we could connect at the same time without us knowing, but we feel it in the energies. Like if I sent something which he had access to, within seconds, he connected at the same time & I felt it. Universe also provides a lot of synchronities revealing the Twin Soul connection between both when together & being torn apart from each other.

“The ability to contact one another just by thinking of the other or meditating and have confirmation the other knows and/or have the same spiritual experience together. The desire to be with one another no matter what the obstacles blocking your way.”

Cazuki I communicate a lot via telepathy & meditation & even by just closing your eyes & seeing one another & talking. It´s the soul to soul communication between Twin Souls. You can also communicate via dreams to each other, but also through the Universe like music, signs, messages & insights you come across. Words, images, videos & sounds being spoken to you wherever you are in the world. When your eyes are open, you will see it everywhere. Even people you meet can mention things like your Twin Soul is speaking through them to give you messages which is incredible however that works. I see it like he´s hacking in somehow to convey a message to me from the other side, where he´s trapped physically, but his soul is not & can be anywhere & everywhere in the Universe. That´s how I see it, how it works. His physically body & his mind is under their control, kind of like Neo is on the table unconscious, but his soul is still free to communicate in many ways to me. Again, what´s more important, the body & mind or our souls? 

“The ability to dream of your partner in their current state and verify the accuracy of that dream, later. You may notice the ability to collapse time as you knew it. Upon your coming together, time itself will cease to exist.”

It was shocking how accurate this was & happened to us. Time did stop, didn´t matter & it was just us in our Twin Soul bubble of True Love living our lives & working on our soul missions & Twin Soul mission. Time flew by, but we were being in the moment. Time is an illusion & a prison, but when Twin Souls unite, they are free of it & become freedom souls. 

“When you and your partner are out and about, you may notice the eyes from everyone are upon you. Your love for one another will shine so brightly, that it is not uncommon for those near or around you, to be drawn TO YOU! Even if they don´t understand it, what it is the both of you have, they are fed by the beauty of your love.” 

This was true, not only were they drawn to us, but their lives were mostly all about us. It´s like we became the sun & they became those “crazy” passionate fans who live their lives wanting to know everything about you, all details about your life & wanting things from you to top up their lack of energies or what was missing in their life if they didn´t have that True Love soul connection yet. We had two different kinds of “fans”, the positive ones that celebrated our union & were extremely happy for us & then there were the jealous self serving ones with hateful agendas that wanted to break apart our union & wanted to be with him in a relationship, because they too wanted those True Love feelings, but they will never get that with a Twin Soul not meant for them ever. It doesn´t matter how many times they program, manipulate & dark side train his mind, his soul will always want his Twin Soul wife, always. When we got together, we noticed in the first months together how others around us would come into unions, into relationships, which shocked us both & we didn´t understand the mystery & beauty of it, but now we do. Powerful positive True Love energy waves are sent across the planet & the Universe awakening other Twin Souls into unions. So you can imagine if all Twin Souls were allowed to be together & not be torn apart to be with lost in the dark family souls, then more Twin Soul unions would happen. The more Twin Souls connect when being together physically, emotionally, mentally, energetically & spiritually, the more Twin Soul unions will awaken & come into unions.

“Upon connecting with your Twin Flame, you may find you are practically mirror images of one another & that you may want to even run from your Twin Soul, because of the things you see/feel in yourself from the reflection of his/her eyes.”

We would show each other & reflect back at each other the parts of us that needed healing, the past & present life negative programmings, dark side trainings, issues, addictions, traumas, tortures, fears, negative energies & codes accumulated from past lives & present life from the lost in the dark family souls who kept tainting us, corrupting us & being with us in relationships. The more Twin Souls are torn apart to be with more lost in the dark family souls, the more is added to us & the more that needs healing. When it doesn´t get healed, it gets repeated. When either one of us didn´t want to see it & if we wanted to run from it, see the dark in us both, because Twin Souls have dark & light in them both, then nothing gets healed & instead it gets repeated. Twin Souls heal each other, they heal with their unconditional True Love they have for one another. Twin Souls are the healers, the lovers, the rebels, the balance warriors, best friends, family & the titans of what True Love, what friendship & what family is & all about.

“If you are both currently living apart, not being together, but are investigating on either side to know what is going on everywhere, like Twin Soul Universe Investigating Agents of Balance, even at great distances, you may notice the power to be sexually intimate without ever even physically touching the other, but touching when your soul bodies meet anywhere in the Universe.”

I´m not going to mention Cazuki´s & my Twin Soul rendezvous meeting places in the Universe or what that´s like in details, but it would make sense that the Universe would allow for Twin Souls to be able to connect in many different ways, especially since wars are upon them keeping them apart. It would be cruel & dark if the Universe didn´t allow them the freedom for them to meet between spaces. As for the whole why won´t the Universe free the Twin Soul Adams being imprisoned by the lost in the dark family souls, I´m sure the Universe has been helping, but has the Twin Soul Adams been listening or ignoring the signs, the help, his intuition, his heart & his soul? Has the Twin Soul Adams been ignoring their Twin Soul Eves, their other half of their soul, their One True Love, their Devine Feminines? 

“The realisation that this isen´t the first time the two of you have met. Past lives together.”

When Cazuki & I saw each other as kids & when we were older, the same feelings remained, we felt like we had known each other before in past lives & we were quick to get back into that knowing & became best friends, True Loves & family all in one right away, like we picked up where we left off from our past life. That´s how fast Twin Souls connect with each other & we get in that flow again of knowing, feeling safe with each other, trusting each other with our lives, our secrets, our light & dark, our everything. It´s the most incredible mystery & beauty of Twin Souls, when you can pick up where you last saw each other & were together in a past life. Obviously you will also meet others like lost in the dark family souls who have gone after you before in past lives & torn apart your Twin Soul unions in past lives & their energy signatures with their negative codes of their soul history will be felt, seen & heard. You will feel it & want to step away from it. Both he & I felt it with his brother Kaito´s wife, we both felt her negative energies, but for some reason he couldn´t feel it with his friends who were both interested in him. Of course he had dark magic on him at the time (negative programmings & energies) messing with his mind & energies, so that could have disabled his ability to sense their negative energies & codes of being the same group of girls going after him in every life. When I connected to them from our house, I felt it straight away & so did every seer & shaman who connected to them too. If you are free from negative energies, mind attacks & control & you are coming from a higher positive frequency, you will sense energies & codes in others & will know who are the ones who go after you or your Twin Soul in every life & who break up unions. 

“The individual Twin Souls become more as One, without losing their unique identities.”

Twin Souls have their own unique individual identity & their Twin Soul identity. When lost in the dark family souls go after Twin Souls not meant for them to be in a relationship with him, they can lose themselves & their life becomes his life. Since they want to replace his Eve & be his dark “twin soul queen”, she may very well start to copy what his Eve was like in may ways. They can shape shift to be what he wants them to be. Having your own unique identity is connected to the fact that you don´t want to be someone else, that you don´t want to replace someone to take her place & not change yourself to please or keep the Twin Soul Adam in your control so he won´t leave you. Having your own unique identity only happens when you know your own self worth & have self respect for yourself. Like you don´t play the part of being someones “friend” & play the same twisted games to come between Twin Souls, because you are lonely, because you are single, because you fear of being alone, because you want that True Love feeling he has with his Twin Soul wife, because you see he has money, a house & can provide for you with opportunities, but you protect your unique identity & your graceful & respectful reputation & not be the s.n.o.k.e. again going after a Twin Soul not meant for you. Your unique identity is knowing your own worth & you´d only want to be with your own Twin Soul meant for you & he is single. 

“There may be obstacles to overcome, but there are no barriers between Twin Souls.” 

These repeating lives, millions of times have gotten so bad that I actually said to him when he broke my heart, “Why can´t the guy this time not take the wrong path in life, but he stays & fights for his True Love.” My soul speaking our history of us breaking apart for the millionth billionth time. He & I have been at this for so long & like so has many Twin Souls who keep being targeted by the same wars, but will this be the life he changes, he breaks free & he wakes up? Will this be the life Cazuki actually fights for his Twin Soul wife & defends her from those who wish to tear her down again, to break her, to tear her apart over & over for their enjoyment, their fun, their energy food & pleasure as I would defend him? Will Cazuki´s soul break free & fight for me as I have fought for him? What is to become of us Cazuki if we fail again in this life? What does our future look like? 

“The two of you know without a doubt that you have been brought together for some spiritual purpose.”

We knew, we knew from the very beginning, before all the mind attacks, energy attacks & before the wars on us again. We felt it in our souls how important our union was to each other & the world. It frightened us both & our bodies, our hearts & energies were trembling, racing & overcome with a sense of knowing in our souls when we talked about our connection. We were so happy & both wanted to bring positive change to the world & a new kind of society that went against everything the dark order stood for on this planet. We didn´t have a name for it, but if I was to name it, it would be called Atlantis & she would be more updated & a heaven paradise for anyone who wished for positive change in the world. We woudn´t stop there, but would create Twin Soul Angel communities all over the world. Our spiritual Twin Soul connection was even blessed by Gaia several times, like when we were kids, after a bike ride together down a mountain road, I was steering & he sat behind, then he wanted to steer & I sat behind, he didn´t like my chaotic & free spirited steering. Then we both took a walk up the mountains & came across a moose just meters away from us in the woods & I told Cazuki we should kneel down so not to scare him off & we saw the beauty of nature around us. The moose just kept eating grass & watching us, blessing us with his presence. Another time was when he I got together & we took a mountain hike walk up the mountains close to our house & we came across deers blessing us & they didn´t run away, just stood still & kept eating grass. Another time was when we came across a massive heart stone in the mountains with green moss all over it & we both smiled again seeing this massive sign from Gaia & the Universe blessing our union. Twin Souls not only get signs between them they are meant to be & they are brought together for a spiritual purpose, but the Universe can give more signs & blessings to your unions reminding you both how important you are together & your once in a life time True Love connection.

“...and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether be a lover of youth, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other´s sight, as I may say, even for a moment...” Plato

“It feels as thou you have been awakened since your reunion occurred. You feel more alive than you´ve ever felt...like being “born” again.”

When Cazuki & I got together after our long “courtship” since we were children, having crushes on each other, creating loving memories together of knowing one another since were were young. When we came together, our union was out of this world crazy electric & a whirlwind of energies, emotions, thoughts, feelings, True Love & our two halves of a soul becoming whole, complete & home again. We did awaken again, our souls awakened to knowing who we are to each other in this life & we did feel more alive than before & felt like we could take on the world, the galaxy & the Universe bringing positive change wherever we go & this is the power of Twin Souls have when together. You will know when you are around a Twin Soul couple or you know of a Twin Soul couple, you will feel their pure, honest, real positive energies & their extraordinary Twin Soul mission accomplishments they do together.

“You give to the other and never think of receiving in return. Giving is the nature of the Twin Soul relationship and you will feel the rewards in your giving.”

When Twin Souls love each other so deeply, so intense & extreme, they both give to each other & don´t think about receiving in return, because they know their Twin Soul wants to give as mush as you give, because you both love each other equally as much, you are One and the same. You mirror each other, even in your True Love. What happens is you both end up giving so much to each other that you are constantly overflowed with your True Love that you have for each other & that´s the nature of a Twin Soul relationship, you both give, give & you want to give more. It´s endless & infinite because your True Love is endless & infinite for each other. 

“There is a very sacred sense of intimacy and feeling divinely inspired wholeness that one finds within a Twin Soul relationship. It is not by accident nor is it without purpose. Your sexuality with one another is a sacred act that celebrates the unconditional love you have for one another. You feel a deep spiritual oneness.”

As I have always believed, making love has to mean something, because to me it is sacred & when you freely give yourself or are programmed to give yourself to anyone & the many, it loses meaning & it loses the sacredness & divinity of the connection. It becomes less positive & more negative. It doesn´t matter that it feels “positive”, if you are with the many or anyone or if you came to be by destroying another, it will be negative under the “positive” energies. Under the microscope of life all is revealed. Being intimate is all about the soul to soul connection, it has nothing to do with our bodies at all & once you connect with your Twin Soul on a deeper spiritual level, you reach highs & heavens you never have before emotionally, mentally, physically, energetically & spiritually. Being intimate with your Twin Soul is about the whole soul to soul connection. If your Twin Soul broke your heart, was programmed to be with another, but then breaks free & comes back, to avoid any negative energies, your Twin Soul should remain single for a gentleman & respectable amount of time before courting you & fighting for you again. Otherwise he would be treating you like one of his hareem lost in the dark family soul girls & not treating you like his Twin Soul Queen & Devine Feminine Goddess that you are. I haven´t even mentioned the fact the Twin Soul Adams carry within them massive negative energies & codes, that they got from the lost in the dark family souls & the memories & the soul torture nightmares. Since there is a solution to every problem, that too can be solved where it would like the lost in the dark family souls never happened. As of example, if I was the one that broke Cazuki´s heart & I was impacted by dark magic & other forms of negative programmings, dark side trainings & got together with someone else, but Cazuki didn´t fight for me or help me, because he didn´t know what happened & only thought I just broke his heart to be with anyone else, so I had to somehow break myself out of it, but if I woke up & knew what happened to me, I would want those memories erased, but not before I wrote it all down in my Book of Twin Souls & not before I talked to Cazuki & compare our investigation notes & plan our future together. If people are reset to know nothing when they are born, then soul torture memories of being attacked to my body & his body, my soul & his soul, can be deleted in our minds. The lost in the dark family souls actually enjoy the fact that if the Twin Soul Adams get back together with his Twin Soul Eve, he now carries with him the memories of being with them, so it´s like they are always there in his life with his Eve for their entire life & if kids are involved which he had with the lost in the dark family soul, then more negative energies always surrounding the Twin Souls & the lost in the dark family soul who came between them will always be in their life. I´m not like most Twin Souls, I do things differently, I think differently, I feel differently & I know things & I understand things that make me think & feel the way I do in this world. I would go to extreme lengths to remove any negative energies that would impact my Twin Soul union. The more positive the Twin Soul union is, the more positive & sacred & divine the children from Twin Souls become. In his own words to me in our first month together, he said our children would come from our pure True Love & he was right. We came together out of powerful positive energies & if he was to have children he said, he knew he would want it to be with me. I´m fiercely protective of my eggs & my positive energies, this is why I kept being pulled away from him when he was tainted with all their sexual negative energies on him. My soul was protecting my sacred body temple, I just didn´t know it. You know you have met your Twin Soul when he will do anything to protect his Sacred, Devine & Universe Blessed Twin Soul union with his Twin Soul wife, he would erase those memories of his time with the lost in the dark family soul, but not before he also writes his book of Twin Souls, talks to his Eve, compares investigation notes & plans for their future together. Twin Souls, we go to extreme, crazy, intense lengths to protect our unions, future families, Twin Soul mission & the future. Not all Twin Souls will feel this way & they will go their own way, nothing wrong with that, but this is how I feel.

“The relationship is immediate, as though no time had been lost since you were last together. Basically you already know each other. There is a strong sense you will be together for all eternity...”

I have already mentioned how fast we connected when we met again when I was 21 & he was 22, but we connected fast when we were children too & it was like we picked up where we left off. It was easy, fast, safe & we felt it in our souls, we knew each other & could easily talk about anything & everything with each other straight away. Our loving Twin Soul words to each other were words like forever, eternity & always. Now, when Twin Souls break apart & say these same words to anybody else & everybody else, it loses meaning, it loses positive energies, it loses power & it loses it´s sacredness & divinity in those words. Words have power, words is energies. Don´t say if you don´t mean it. Always, Forever & Eternity is by definition Always, Forever & Eternity, but when you break apart it doesn´t become that, so how can they say it to another & mean it, when they didn´t mean it before? We should be careful of the words we say & not be so quick to just throw it out there to everyone & anyone, then move on the next & say the same thing. Obviously Cazuki meant his loving words to me & he would show me in so many ways what I meant to him, even when he broke my heart he revealed several times that he didn´t want to leave me, at the same his mind was being dragged towards someone else.

“Your conversations seems to go on forever. There is nothing you won´t discuss with your Twin Soul. There is nothing hidden between the two of you. You don´t hide secrets. You are truthful and respectful to one another. There is no need to build walls & barriers between one another from pain or fear the other causes.”

I remember the times before the wars were upon us, before all the different kinds of attacks on us, on our minds, our bodies & our energies. Our conversations were fast, easy, fun, witty, funny, smart, passionate, challenging, exciting, wacky, weird & light saber battle of words which we enjoyed. We talked about everything & anything, the light, the dark & the grey. When we argued, it didn´t even last long, but we resolved it quickly & were adults about it. Any problems & challenges we faced, we found solutions & worked through it. The only times we struggled with it was when our energies & minds were targeted. Our conversations could go on forever & we could talk for hours. You know you are with your Twin Soul when you can talk for hours & always wish to know what is on their minds, even ask about their dreams & always interested in their thoughts & feelings. The only time Twin Souls could have trouble communicating is if you both are under attack by several lost in the dark family souls. My Twin Soul union with Cazuki, we got to see the before & after of what happens towards Twin Souls, we had our padme/anakin moments of expressing eternal True Love in a romantic way, then our leia/han moments of fiery, stubborn, freedom loving, challenging each other with rebelliousness between us & our adorable & wild moments, then we´d have our rey/ben/kylo moments when wars were upon us & we acted differently to each other when negative energies were on us from them, like we would behave like “enemies” to each other, but then when those moments were over, we were back to wanting to fight for us & not understanding why we were acting that way & not understanding what was happening to us. We would actually question it, so we knew something wasen´t right & something was happening to us both. Now we know! Cazuki wasen´t the only one to be impacted by lost in the dark family souls, I was also approached by several who tried to come between Cazuki & I several times. One time was when I came home from seeing Cazuki in Japan & a guy at the bus terminal gave me his phone number & wanted to ask me out on a date. Another time was when my cousin & I were out at a club & a guy was very interested in wanting to connect, but I politely declined, but his energies were on me, so I´m sure that impacted our union too in some way. When Twin Souls get together they shine so bright with their True Love & it can attract both positive & negative energies from those around you. The positive ones will celebrate you both & not try to come between & not try to be with one of you. The negative ones are jealous, have agendas or they sense your Twin Soul True Love awakening which makes you more attractive to them & will taint you with their sexual negative energies & will try to brake you apart to be with one of you. At Cazuki´s work in Japan, a girl there would flirt with him & say he is her work husband & expressed her love for him in a going away card when he left his job. So we were both under attack on & off for years. How to protect your Twin Soul union? Don´t accept negative energies from anyone wanting to taint or attack your rare, hard to find, once in a life time Twin Soul union. Be polite, be direct, be honest & say what you mean. “Can you please stop flirting with me or coming on to me, it makes me very uncomfortable. I am in a loving relationship with my Twin Soul & I only want my Twin Soul!”

“Your Twin Soul will treat you like someone sacred. The two of you are inseparable. No matter if there are distances between you physically, there is no distance between Twin Souls.”

Both Cazuki & I knew in our souls how sacred we were. We called each other prince & princess, romeo & juliet, equal souls, one half of perfection, two halves of a soul becoming One. We treated each other respectfully, gracefully & very gentleman & lady like, at the same time naughty & nice, romantic & wild passion. Cazuki & I came into union when he was on a plane on his way back to Japan & he opened up my song letter on the plane & I expressed my feelings to him, after he spent Christmas with me & my “family” in China. Living oceans apart for 6 months was unbearable for both of us after we came into union, it was like, yay, we finally made it & were One again after 21 years of not being together, but now we have to live apart longer until we come together physically. Only other Twin Souls would understand what it feels like when you are oceans apart or many hours apart & living in two different countries or cities. The pains, the sleepless nights, the trouble eating, the restlessness in your souls & nervousness of finally finding your One, but not being together, it is extreme & intense as Twin Souls always are which both Cazuki & I felt. It´s the deep soul connection between Twin Souls that result in these extreme energies. All Twin Souls want when they are living new lives again, is to connect again with their other half & their souls will call out, scream out & shout out to each other from great distances in the world, in the Universe to be One again with one another. When minds are negatively influenced in any way & are controlled to be with anyone & the many, it will be their souls that will continue to call out, scream out & shout out to be One again with their Twin Soul, while their programmed minds go about their daily lives unknown to them that their souls actually feel & want their Twin Soul back. When Twin Souls are together, they are inseparable, this is very true & completely normal & understandable. Since every life time they keep being torn apart, kept apart & being controlled to be with anyone else & the many. So it´s only natural that Twin Souls become inseparable & wanting to spend so much time together as Cazuki & I did. If Rey & Ben finally got together & lived their lives on their millennium falcon with his little ship attached to the falcon & could fly anywhere in the Galaxy freely & help anyone & everyone from their little ship, that´s what it would be like between Twin Souls, they are inseparable & don´t want to be without each other, they don´t want to live without each other, they are each others home, heaven, eden, paradise, True Loves, Best Friends & Family all in one, they are Twin Souls!

“Trust, patience and acceptance of each other´s incompleteness happens automatically. You will never use that incompleteness against your Twin Soul in anger or hurt.”

In a lost in the dark family soul relationship with a Twin Soul not meant for them, they can use incompleteness or what they call weakness against each other to attack, tear down & hurt each other. Lost in the dark family souls can do this to anyone. With Twin Souls they have a deep soul connection & a Twin Soul language only they can understand, because it´s unique & one of kind, it´s their soul song, their soul symphony, their epic Soul True Love Life History story, which only they can understand. It´s their life times of being together & life times of having wars on them, life times of attacks on their minds, bodies, emotions, energies & souls from the lost in the dark family souls against them, life times of being torn apart, life times of being kept apart, life times of being programmed & controlled to be with anyone & the many, life times of knowing how the lost in the dark family souls play their games, dramas, rules & wars on them. Their minds might not be free to know, but their souls do & will let them know & tell each other in different ways. Twin Souls are able to be understanding, having patience, trust & acceptance of each others incompleteness in their lives & past lives they brought with them in this life, because of that Twin Soul unbreakable soul bond they only share together. They are One Soul, so the information they share is always between them, flowing back & forth, never ending & always enlightening & wisdom awakening. Cazuki told me once when we were together, he would of never left jennifer for angelina. This puzzled me why he said that & I didn´t understand. Was it his soul speaking or did he know what was happening to him & who his “family” wanted him to be with again? When those two actors did get together, I didn´t see it lasting, because of how they came to be. Destroying life to be with each other, they brought with them massive negative energies/codes into their relationship. I see this with anyone who came to be out of negative energies, which also includes being controlled, programmed, seduction, temptation, manipulations, control, fear, threats, obligations, traditions, religions, marriage, pregnancy and anything else that forces two people to be together & they are not meant to be together and are not soul matched at all. It can´t last, their souls wouldn´t allow it, because their souls are being tortured & if they didn´t get help from their Twin Soul to break free, then their soul will find a way to break free, even if it´s a decade later. What the lost in the dark family souls keep doing to Twin Souls is the definition of insanity, they keep doing the same thing over & over for millions of life times against the Twin Souls breaking them apart to be with one of them & expecting different results every time. Them thinking this time it will last, this life it will different, this will be a life time of Cazuki being with them & giving them the True Love he shared with his Twin Soul wife & never breaking up with them, but it´s insanity. Like them coming back around being more upgraded, efficient, effective, more alluring, more seducing, more tempting, more to his liking, more cheat codes I call it when they have knowledge taken from souls more evolved than them to then be more resembling of his Twin Soul in some way & tricking him to believe she could be his “twin soul”, but then him finding out she never was. His soul will always know the lost in the dark family soul is not his Twin Soul, but his mind will figure it out sooner or later. When his soul knows she is not his Twin Soul, it will never last & if it did, then serious programmings & mind prisons & other negative reasons would keep him imprisoned again.

“There is a special sacredness to your relationship that transcends anything within the relationship. There are no restrictions within the relationship. All is freedom without the need of ownership or control.”

I have already mentioned so much of this all, but it continues to hold true between Twin Souls, always. Cazuki got so much freedom from me, like I think he was surprised at how much freedom he was allowed to have. Which is just strange in itself, like why would he feel like it has to be allowed. Freedom is not something to control in anyway. All life has the right to be free, even in relationships. The only thing I can think of is why he felt that way & was surprised by it & didn´t understand it, was because of his upbringing with his “family” & how they placed negative rules, restrictions & took away freedoms & then there are the life times of him being with lost in the dark family soul relationships in past lives, which he had less freedoms when being with them, which would happen when he´s controlled, forced & programmed to be with them. That´s taking his freedoms away, just like what happened to him again in this life. This would then echo in his others lives & was brought with him into this life. Like anything, if it doesn´t get healed, it gets repeated. They took his freedoms away. No surprise then he would be surprised at how much freedom he got from me his Twin Soul wife.

“You will feel inspired to create and your Twin Soul inspires your creativity.”

We both would have our own idea/invention/solution/problem solving/inspiration book that was filled with our creativity & we would write down anything we came up with, but also what we inspired in each other & talked about, then we would be inspired even more. We are each others muses & inspiration source. Twin Souls inspire each other & ignite never seen before creations that shake the world, wake up the world & ignite the world with their positive change they bring out of their True Love & Twin Soul connection.

“You do not compete with one another nor do you pretend to be other than you are. You love each other for your individuality and uniqueness. You understand that some things are better left to your Twin Soul´s strengths, rather than competing.”

This is so important, because when our souls are split in two to be reincarnated in bodies, one has what the other doesn´t and vice versa. We are incomplete when missing the other half of our soul, but we also hold strengths each in our own way with what we have in the half of our soul that´s within us, so when Twin Souls unite into One, when union happens, they become complete, whole & now can combine their strengths together missing nothing, but having everything. With their own strengths they can balance each other out & both lead the way through the stormy waters of life, taking turns being the navigators with whatever strengths the one Twin Soul has that is needed at that time, but then switching with the other Twin Soul if their strengths is needed at that time. For example, I am more intuitive, more connected to the planet, Gaia, Universe, I can read people & situations, sensitive to energies & am more awake to my surroundings. These were some of my strengths & not Cazuki´s, so when I told him my visions, my seeing abilities & then getting confirmation from a seer about the dark magic on us & I told him the negative energies I felt with those “friends” of his who targeted him, I was warning him of the dangers in our relationship & how it was being targeted & by who, but when a Twin Soul husband ignores his Twin Soul wife & ignores her strengths that he doesn´t have, he´s open to all kinds of attacks & it would be like he´s on the ocean alone with no navigator sailing through life in dangerous stormy waters & hurricanes. He becomes lost at sea essentially. 

“In spite of your sameness, there is no doubt you feel a sense of completion through the other. You will recognise you two are Godmates. You will know you are One with everything in the Universe and beyond.”

I wouldn´t call it Godmates, but I´d call it GodGodessTwinSouls. The mystery & beauty of Twin Souls & their powers is very God & Godess like. They can literally change the world in a positive way, bringing balance, peace, unity, freedom, equality, honesty, compassion, understanding, empathy, intelligence, wisdom & end wars to life, end wars against souls, end wars against the planet & end wars against Twin Souls. Their True Love they share with each other will send waves of light & powerful positive energies everywhere on the planet & the Universe igniting other Twin Souls into unions. 

Can a LITDFS & a Twin Soul Adam not meant for her for example help ignite other Twin Souls into union with their “love”? Obviously not, because of their negative energies underneath their “positive” energies & them not being soul matched at all. Soul is energy right, so when two bodies, two minds are being controlled to be together through mind controls, manipulations, traditions, religions, marriage, pregnancy, threats and any other negative reason, it´s attacks & tortures to both their souls. When this happens, negative energies happen. If you have your senses awakened (which everyone on the planet has, it just needs awakening), you can actually smell the negative energies on them & on anyone not soul matched to be together from any distance in the world when you connect. The smell is quite nauseous & sickening as negative energies would be. You can also smell negative energies on people who are negative. You can also feel the negative energies on people & in couples who are not meant to be & who are not Twin Souls. During my time in a telepathy course for animals, how it works is, once you connect to animals or people, you can see where they are in the world, what they are doing in present time, past & future, you can see colours, images, live feeds, you hear sounds (them possibly talking & what they are saying, even about you, this is in regards to people not animals, but you can hear the animals talk to you when you talk to them via telepathy & when you ask them questions, you will get answers & they can tell you things even about themselves or other people in their life), you can smell things & even ask them things or just mind read them. Everyone has these abilities, it was just locked away from you all, but once you awaken your Jedai abilities, the LITDFS can´t hide anymore their negative games, dramas & wars on everyone. How the LITDFS & the Twin Soul Adam not meant for her came to be, if it was negative, it will also add more negative energies to them & this is something that they can never change or erase, the more they are together, the more negative energies happen between them. 

The True Love between Twin Souls is so powerful it ignites others to want to find their One. That is very God & Godess like. 

The Twin Soul GodGodessTwinSouls powers can also be used for darkness, unbalance & continue the status quo & wars on life & Twin Souls. When Han tells Kylo snoke is using him for his powers, that has so much truth to it in our world, that all we have to do is see the state of the world & our history & what is happening in our own lives, is better or worse? Is mental health better or worse? Is wars on life & True Loves better or worse? This happens when Twin Souls are under control & supervision by the lost in the dark family souls around them & when they are in relationships with lost in the dark family souls. Everything can be seen with our own families, friends, people around you, in society, among people that are in the public eye. It´s all visible for everyone to analyse, see & understand everything. You can basically see the difference between Twin Soul relationships impacting the world in a positive way & lost in the dark family soul relationships (a Twin Soul Adam or Twin Soul Eve imprisoned & programmed to be with a LITDFS) impacting the world in a negative way. As of example, a Twin Soul who is under control & supervision is being used for her powers to spread negative messages (LITDFS agendas) around the world celebrating the takedown of her Twin Soul & just happy to be with anyone who wanted her, all the while her soul is being tormented & her Twin Soul is not helping her at all break free from her soul torment, even thou they were both targeted also by dark magic & by the very same girl who has torn apart several Twin Soul relationships in her life for all to see. A LITDFS can tear apart several Twin Souls in her life time. You will know when Twin Souls are not being used or controlled by anyone in the world, because they will be on their Twin Soul mission together & spread messages of light, love, positivity, change & ending the same dark repeating hell cycles on this planet. They would spread messages of The One, being with The One & fighting for The One. Her soul torment can actually be seen by everyone on her body & her addictions, but also her soul is trying to communicate to her Twin Soul who she is kept apart from in her creative creations, but does he know about it, his soul will, but his mind might not understand? Her mind might be trapped, but her soul will find ways to communicate as his soul will do the same in his creative creations wanting to send her soul messages without his mind even knowing. It´s like the soul is bypassing the controlled mind & their messages come through in their art, their work or anything & anywhere else. It´s the silent soul song between Twin Souls, their silent soul symphony & their silent soul epic True Love story only spoken between Twin Souls that nobody can hear, but it is visible for all to see when their eyes are open. You can see their soul torments between them when they are torn apart, kept apart & controlled & programmed to be with anyone & the many. When Twin Souls are targeted & torn apart by LITDFS, on both their sides their LITDFS groups would celebrate the takedown of the other to the Twin Souls & continue to poison both Twin Soul minds against each other to make sure they never get back together. I´m well awake to their same negative repeating games, dramas & wars on Twin Souls. As for what side I´m on when a Twin Soul couple is targeted, I´m on both sides, because both have no idea what´s going on & they are both victims & chess pieces in the games played by the LITDFS. If I´m going to start to name names which would help the world open up their eyes faster, the Twin Soul Adams or Twin Soul Eves need to either tap into their own Twin Soul Investigator abilities as all Twin Souls have & investigate in their relationship that ended & uncover their attacks & wars, but can also reach out to Twin Souls all around the world who are getting the messages out there. If you find out you were in a Twin Soul relationship & it ended, I hope you all do reach out to those who are getting the messages out & gain more clarity, perspective, truth & sharing ideas, solutions & helpful advice. For the Twin Souls who are torn apart by their Twin Soul who left them, know this, in their souls, they only ever want you & it tortures them that they can´t be with you, but they always do & wish to break free from those around them controlling them. I noticed how her Twin Soul has been targeted by the same girl who came between them, but he´s also been with several LITDFS & they do want to breed with him, but he doesn´t want to in his soul, which he will express in his own way for all to see. Of course he doesn´t want to breed with the LITDFS, he only wants to have children with his Twin Soul wife, why can´t they understand that? It´s perverse what they are doing, they need to stop & be with their own Twin Soul. The more Twin Souls come forward, the more people wake up. Of course if you find out you were in a Twin Soul relationship, but your mind doesn´t care & just move on to anyone & the many, then how can the Twin Soul wars ever end & how is it right to go after someone else´s Twin Soul, when you are not meant to be with them at all? It´s like, it becomes a never ending loop of, “oh, you got together with my Twin Soul, then I´ll get together with your Twin Soul or someone else´s” & then it goes on & on & on & never ends. I would also say to this, how can you ever watch a Twin Soul story ever again & feel anything? We are only meant to be with our One, our Twin Soul, two lobsters for life, two swans for life & two halves of a soul for life.

Twin Souls are One with everything in the Universe and beyond, because they are now together as One, two halves of a Soul uniting into One again. They are missing nothing, but have everything, they are complete, they are evolved, they are enlightened & will be connected to everything again.  

“Love is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete!” Plato

“Recognition - When you meet your Twin Soul, there is an instant shock of recognition. Where have you seen this person before? You rack your brain trying to figure out where it may have been. You might even question each other on it. In time you realise that this recognition didn´t just point to a brief prior interaction. It was recognising someone that you´ve always known.”

This recognition meeting can happen with those you have even been in relationships with like the LITDFS. If your abilities are not awakened, like being able to sense energies in others, you will not be able to sense their negative energies from their past lives of going after you & breaking up your Twin Soul unions. When you are on a higher positive frequency, like being vegan, eating/drinking organic, cleansing, detoxing, juicing & staying away from negative people in your lives that bring you down to their negative energies & protecting your Sacred, Devine temple bodies from their negative energies & codes they wish to impact you with, the more sensitive to energies you become & can quickly feel those around you who have targeted you in the past & gone to war on your Twin Soul unions in the past & sense those who have imprisoned you to be in relationships with them in the past & not be able to be with your Twin Soul. This ability is one of your powers, Cazuki had it, but then lost it. He lost it when he kept accepting their negative energies & codes into his life, into his body, into his mind & into his energies. The last few years of our relationship he was down to their negative energies, so he couldn´t sense those around him anymore. He didn´t have access to his abilities that could protect him. If he did, he would of known those sisters, those “friends” of his, are the same LITDFS he´s been with in past lives & have targeted us before.

As for the Twin Soul recognition, that does happen right away & you feel happy, safe, easy to connect, alive, home & you want to pick up where you left off last time you met in your past life before this life. You become True Loves, Best Friends & Family all in one right away.

“Home - Finding your Twin Soul feels like coming home. This is where you were meant to be and the idea of ´home´ meaning a physical place or building, loses meaning for you. Home is your Twin Soul, it is where you will always travel to and where you will always want to be the most. Although you might have to be away from home for awhile, you´ll always remember the feeling of coming back to them.”

When Cazuki & I came into physical union, meaning we got together when we were oceans apart, so when we met again on my birthday, we would be in physical union. We left as friends & met again as True Loves which was really strange, but loved the fact it was different. Seeing him was like coming home & our souls rested when our bodies were close again, being One & not two halves of a soul drifting through life wanting to be One again. His words to me was his soul would rest when we were in each others arms, holding close & never letting go. He was right, we balanced, we felt complete, whole & our True Love shined so bright & powerful, we couldn´t get enough of each other as Twin Souls would only know.

“Our Universe grants every soul a Twin - a reflection of themselves - the kindred spirit and no matter where they are or how far they are from each other - even if they are in different dimensions - they will always find one another. This is destiny, this is love.” Julie Dillion

“Didn´t you think you would just meet someone, fall in love & that would be it!” Rachel Green

“Twin Souls, we only fall in love once in every life time & we only ever want to be with our Twin Soul True Love!” Twin Soul

“Identity - Even thou you will create a joint identity, you will still keep your individuality. Twin Souls know they are comprised of two very different beings. Merging into One does not mean you forget your individual needs, wants and dreams and you encourage that. You will find you have two identities now. Your own individual one and the one that has come about as the result of your Twin Soul union.”

This was never our problem, we did have our own unique individual identity & our joint Twin Soul identity. If we were gone from each other for weeks, we would miss one another, Cazuki even started to wear the colour blue, my favourite colour. That´s how much he missed me. When I came to see him almost a year after we broke up, I noticed he wore blue shoes, he still missed me! :) We both had our own dreams & goals that we were working on by ourselves & our individual needs & wants were also taken care of, like seeing friends of families or just any activities we did separately or together. It is important to keep our individuality, but also protect our joint identity so no negative energies & attacks from LITDFS would impact it. 

“Intensity - The level intensity experienced with your Twin Soul is unlike anything you will have ever had before or ever again in this life. A look, a touching of hands, the sound of their voice, all evoke more emotion than you´ve felt before. This intensity can take some getting used to and it doesn´t lessen.”

Our intensity started before we even got together. On a buss trip we took to the city, on our way back one cold December Christmas when Cazuki came to visit for 11 days & I hadn´t seen him since we were kids, I felt the extreme energies from him & we sat close to each other & that was not even us touching skin to skin, that was clothes touching clothes. The sexual tension between us was also undeniable, fast & intense. Twin Soul energies are instant, electric, magnetic, heightened, wildly extreme & intense, it will happen straight away & you can´t miss it or forget it, because you will feel it. When coming together in union, it wasn't just hearing his voice that evoked so much emotions, energies, feelings, thoughts & my soul lighting up like the stars, but it was his touch, his words, his actions, his beautiful mind, his beautiful soul, his beautiful body & his energies electrifying my energies into One. I have already mentioned before how extreme a Twin Soul union can be when bodies unite into One, but even that doesn´t lesson, unless the other wishes to have a break, because they can´t keep up with the Twin Soul who is more wild & free, but Twin Souls when not taking a break & not having wars on their minds, bodies, energies & souls from those wishing for the union to be torn apart, then the Twin Souls can connect everyday & several times a day, fast or slow, passion or romantic, wild beast & wild tiger or angels in heavenly embrace, lady & gentleman, naughty & nice, & it´s never boring, but always positive, exciting, new, different & adventurous. It´s always safe between them, easy, caring, protective, giving, loving, communicative, flexible, understandable, fun & even breaking rules & drawing outside the lines, way outside the lines. Being apart from Cazuki, we did talk a few times on the phone last year about our house & when I went to see him back in 2016, same intense feelings, emotions, thoughts, energies & my heart beating out of my chest & my soul is singing our epic True Love dance in the starry skies. Nervous energies, chaotic energies & the only explanation I can come up with for that is, it´s like our souls are trying to connect again to each other & the vibrations, the magnetic push & pull between us is causing our energies to try & find balance again, but that proves to be impossible when we are on opposite sides of this Twin Soul war between us. When Twin Souls are together, the intensity, the extreme, the passion, the wild & beautiful crazy True Love never ends. Twin Souls are Twin Flames & the flame is eternal, forever & infinite. Twin Souls Light & True Love is like perpetual motion, it´s always on & never stops moving, flying & reaching the stars in the heavenly skies.

“Growth - Together you can grow to higher levels than you could separately. Whether it´s on a spiritual, physical or mental level, you support each other to go further in every aspect of your life. Life is about growth and to stagnate is not to live. Together you will find and explore opportunities for growth, being open minded and careful to learn the valuable lessons that life throws your way.”

The growth here is soul growth, soul evolving, soul learning & soul awakening. Everything about growth is the soul & this will impact the mind, body, heart & energies. It´s all connected, but when you are in relationships that don´t help you grow to higher levels of enlightenment, you will then stagnate, you will repeat, you will stay at lower vibrational energies, you will make the same mistakes a million & billion times, like breaking up Twin Souls for your self serving agendas or to be with one of them not meant for you. When the mind is challenged to think, feel, see & hear, this awakens the soul, helps the soul grow, learn & evolve faster. If you are not in a Twin Soul relationship, you will not be challenged to be better, do better, do good in this world, learn, grow, evolve, awaken & be enlightened. In Twin Soul unions you can´t get anything by your Twin Soul, because they know you inside & out, so they will call you out on any of it if you are not being your true selves & they will be break down walls to reveal who you all are underneath, your authentic selves. In other relationships the Twin Soul can wear different masks & not have to grow, learn, evolve or awaken, but can stay stagnate, stay the same, live the same life just in a different way, but same outcome, same road & that road does not lead to being free, being awakened, being enlightened or learning, growing & evolving in their souls. Cazuki did mention how I was always able to read him, know him inside & out & called him out on him not being his true self. When unions happen, we bring with us our issues, traumas, dark side trainings, programmings in this life & past life issue, traumas & programmings & Twin Souls have the abilities to break it all down & peel back all the layers & reach their true selves to their soul core, so they can shine bright like the Universe. It´s one of their Twin Souls GodGoddess powers. Challenging each other, “light sabre” battling with our intelligent & passionate words, healing with our True Love, having compassion & understanding, patience & empathy, is what we went through trying to heal the mess of what was done to us by LITDFS in our lives & past lives. It wasen´t easy, it was a lot of damage done to us, but we never gave up & we both got healthier, happier, more balanced, but there was more healing to do, but they went to war on us again adding more soul pains & tortures with their games, dramas, rules & verbal attacks, mind attacks & energy attacks. The Twin Soul road is hard, because it´s not just all True Love & happiness, but we are dealing with many soul pains & tortures that need healing, but every single life time they go after Cazuki & me, tear us apart to be with one of us again, they just add more layers & levels of soul pains & soul tortures & programmings & dark side trainings & issues & traumas, then it starts all over again in the next life when we are born in new bodies to try again, try to have a life time together again, heal again & not be attacked again. You can notice when you are around people who are living the same life & living the same stagnate road they took, because nothing changed, it´s all the same, they think the same, they feel the same, they talk the same, their actions are the same & are doing the same repeating cycles in every life. There is no soul growth, only growth in their wallet, their possessions, their life styles, their self serving nature, their status, their fame, their empires, their relationships & families. Cazuki would actually tell me he gets bored listening to them talk, that´s how evolved he is in his soul. If souls were evolved, the conversations would be interesting, exciting, new, different, intelligent, thought provoking, debatable, imaginative, colourful, fun, crazy, beautiful, extraordinary, passionate, intense & extreme, words that can make you think, feel, hear & see things you may never have before. The conversations would be about making positive change in the world, help positively change the world, but when they are repeating the same mistakes in their lives a million times, a billion times, like attacking life, Twin Souls, going to war on Twin Souls, they don´t change, but stay the same. Twin Souls not only heal each other, but they grow or re-grow, re-learn & re-evovle faster together. They awaken faster & can reach higher levels of enlightenment faster together. It´s fast, because they are One, two halves of a soul, missing nothing & having everything, so it´s a speed of light growth, healing & awakening. When it comes to LITDFS relationships with a Twin Soul Adam not meant for them, to quote Trinity, “You´ve been down there, you know that road & you know exactly where it ends and I know that´s not where you want to be!”

“The first time I saw you, my heart whispered, that´s the One!” unknown

“Empathy - You feel the others emotions nearly as clearly as you feel your own. You´ll know if your Twin Soul is upset even before they´ve entered a room at times. If you´re in a group and your partners uncomfortable ext, you´ll feel this without them having to communicate anything with you. You´ll also feel their love and happiness mirrored back to you, strengthening and validating your own emotions.”

To feel each others emotions was extreme & it wasen´t as clearly as it was described above, but it was exactly like feeling your own emotions. We could feel each other´s sadness, pains, worries, struggles, stresses, fears, anger, loneliness, happiness, love and more, but when your union is targeted in various destructive ways, those senses can become blurred, clouded, blocked or even prevented from feeling each others emotions. When you have mind attacks, psychic attacks, energy attacks & LITDFS verbal attacks & their games, dramas, rules & wars upon you both, this will impact your union in more ways than you think & it will always end the same way, you both end & you both break & you both are kept apart. One can read all this that I have written & say it will never happen to us, but the thing is, this has happened in every life time, millions of life times since the LITDFS collective have taken over & been in control ever since, messing with lives, True Loves & souls. When you are in union & you do feel each others emotions, you will with loving concern & care ask the other what is wrong, how are they, how can you help & communicate & love each other unconditionally. 

“Arrival - You feel like a wait has ended. The direction of your life has brought you to this point and you understand why certain things had to happen the way they did. Understanding causes all the pieces to fall into place and you´ll feel more trust in both yourselves and the Universe.”

With the way the world is, behind the illusions tells a different horror story of what is really going on behind the scenes. Since we all have been living in a repeating loop in every life time, how I view Twin Souls now is they are like the Twin Soul Investigator Agents & to find out what is happening on this world, what the LITDFS are doing this time or have done to all life, souls & Twin Souls, is if they allow themselves to be targeted by the LITDFS, even if it means being abused, used, tormented, tortured, torn apart over & over in the most darkest way possible to get to the truth. Like the movie serenity, river & mal/simon are like the Twin Soul Investigator Agents & to find out what the LITDFS have done to life, they have to allow themselves to be targeted & tormented & play their games to get to the truth which they did & then reveal their findings to the whole Universe. When Cazuki & I saw the Constantine story, he enjoyed it, but that story was showing us our lives, just translated & coded differently. When isobel is torn apart over & over in hell, to translate that in our world, that´s isobel being torn apart over & over when being animals to then be eaten by the LITDFS on this planet. My own “family” have hinted that I will be come back as farm animals & their pets to be abused, used, tormented, be in obedient & loyalty training. There were other hints from other LITDFS when I was with Cazuki, but I already beat them to it, when I awakened again in my mid 20s to the horrors of what I was a part of when being asleep, then becoming vegan, I fell into depression, guilt & regret. I told the Universe to replace my life with the animals to save theirs, because that atrocity of what is being done to them from the LITDFS was monstrous & they made sure I would be a part of that & it killed me over & over. My brothers & sisters, my Universe family & the LITDFS are brothers & sisters too & they are eating their own brothers & sisters. No amount of my tears through the years will ever be enough to fill the Universe of what was done to the planet, to life, to souls & Twin Souls on Earth for so long, because my tears inside my soul is endless. My soul pains & soul tortures is real & it´s only one level, one layer of pains I carry within me. The fears I had my whole life until Cazuki freed me with the shock when breaking my heart, were fears that went beyond my fears growing up in a “family” that used fear to control & have power over the children. The fears was deep & could very well be fears from past lives of being animals. My skin is extremely sensitive to pain, I can´t stand the sight of blood & I get nauseous & would freak out & panic if I cut myself by accident too deep. I scare easily which Cazuki had a habit of doing to me because he thought it was fun. I did feel fear all the time, but I had every right to, especially if I came back as farm animals & pets that were tormented. To investigate further I would have all kinds of truth testings done to confirm my memories, feelings & soul history. To our very soul core, we don´t have fear, we have courage, but walls, prisons, dark side trainings, programmings, layers & levels that impact our lives & our minds can hold us back, keep us imprisoned & not be our true selves to our very soul core.

If anyone comes out with information about the “history” of Atlantis, I would always question it & would need so many kinds of truth testing done, since we have all been lied to, manipulated & deceived for so long by the very same LITDFS who control & have power over so much. I think back to Atlantis & I wonder, what did they say to me before they took over Earth? That I will lose everything I love over & over again, that I will be part of killing, destroying & eating the lives I hold dear in my heart for their enjoyment & entertainment? That I will watch in horror while they tear apart this world piece by piece & extinct so many beautiful animals, mammals & lives & not be awake to it? That I will watch the nightmares of what they do to souls & Twin Souls & not be able to do anything about it, because I was kept asleep for so long, but now I´m awake & maybe for the first time since Atlantis? I found out Atlantis, Alderaan & Aquarius has 8 letters in them, but also Atlantis has a circle around the a in one logo & Alderaan, the two aa´s is also used as the a with a circle above it in the same language being used in a country. The story of Atlantis could very well be the story of Alderaan on Earth, my feelings & energies tell me it is. When the real truth comes out & who was responsible, why, when, how & what did they use, what did they take, what did they do this whole time to the Atlantiens & life, even thou we already know, but when truth comes out, then healing, teaching, learning & awakening can begin. The fear, obedient & loyalty programmings that they couldn´t do to me as a human, but did to me as an animal, that would explain a lot & that would be even more reasons for the Twin Soul GreyJedai Universe Investigator Academy to be created with a healing resort to deprogram anyone who has any fear, obedience & loyalty programmings on them, so they can be free & fly wherever in the Universe. There was a reason for Cazuki & I to join in Twin Soul union besides being in True Love with each other & wanting only one another, just like every other Twin Soul couple were meant to join in union, we were all meant to help everyone wake up & bring positive change, help awaken hearts & souls & I still have hope, even now after all this time, after everything that was done to life, to the planet, to souls & Twin Souls, I still have hope. For me, Earth will always be the saddest story ever told, even thou many will wish to look away & not see the dark, only the light & will one day forget these words spoken by a soul who woke up after being asleep for so long & seeing so much of what should have changed to end the madness, the darkness & the unbalance everywhere. What would souls think & feel if Constantine said “screw it, isobel can continue to be ripped apart over & over to satisfy the needs, the wants, the never ending appetite & feeding for the LITDFS in this world until it´s all over & we´ve come to the end when time is up? Would they be horrified? What would they think of Constantine? Would he be the hero or the villian? How would I feel when my Twin Soul husbands lost mind sacrifices me to please the LITDFS? I would feel like leave me to it, leave me to that hell & when the time comes, leave me to be trapped within a humanoid robot, because that is what they all made me feel anyway being trapped on this prison planet, to be their toys to be used & abused, slaves & pleasure/breeding machines. It doesn´t matter if I come back in the next life & I´m reset to know nothing again & if I don´t get access to what I´ve written here, but they put be back into circulation to be with Cazuki again, it wouldn´t be real, it would be programmed, controlled & dishonest. It´s dishonest, because he left me & his soul to hell & “chose” them instead again in another life like he did before. If he didn´t fight for me in this life, how can it be real in the next between us? Me knowing nothing makes it not real, but it will be exactly like I was programmed like a humanoid robot to be someone to his liking until I was to be sacrificed again or to have a potential life with him, but it´s not me, it´s an imprisoned me, a me that they shaped & formed to be obedient, asleep, loyal, to never question or challenge & never be the real me inside my soul with all my colours, wonders, mysteries & beautiful soul light & wisdom. This life I´m living now, is the me that´s more awake than my other selves (when I have access to all my past lives, even before Earth, when I get back everything they took from me, all my pieces anything they took from me & I´m free again to fly into the Universe, then I´m more myself), so if I´m to see him again in my next life, not knowing our past, it wouldn´t be real between us, but a lie told between us. The lie being, Cazuki broke my heart, threw my soul & his soul in the dark, so he could be with a LITDFS for the millionth & billionth time. No amount of pain being done to me when I´m animals or when I´m children or when I´m adults will ever be the amount of pain that my Twin Soul, the other half of my soul, my True Love has caused me & continues to cause me. The darkest part of our Twin Soul union & what happened to us, is that it´s not even Cazuki´s soul that causes me soul pains or soul tortures at all, because he is too being tormented by them all, but it´s his lost & dark programmed mind that they all took part in shaping & creating is what causes me more pains than the combined pains of me being tormented as animals, children & as adults. Even if Cazuki came back & fought for me, I would be like a true Aquarian & Universe being & would want him to be soul truth tested & any other truth testing tests to determine if his soul did not wish to leave me ever & to confirm his soul pains & soul tortures, but since the LITDFS will never wish for that to happen ever, we are back to history repeating & nothing changing & the lie & illusions continues. Can anyone blame me really for wanting soul truth testing done, even on my Twin Soul? When this has happened too many times, one wonders, is it more than just programmings & dark side trainings? If he knew about the wars & he still left me, how can I ever think or feel about True Love ever again? How can it be real? How can Twin Souls be real for me? This does not include other Twin Souls, this is just between Cazuki & me. 

What are the soul pains & soul tortures between Cazuki & I that never get healed in life times, because we are put back into circulation to be with anyone & the many LITDFS?

-You breaking my heart & leaving me for a life time with anyone & the many LITDFS.

-Me breaking your heart & leaving you for a life time with anyone & the many LITDFS.

-You being able to be close to anyone & the many.

-Me being able to be close to anyone & the many.

-You having trouble being close to people & having trouble hugging people.

-Me having trouble being close to people & having trouble hugging people.

(This trouble being close to people would happen when you have been tormented mentally, emotionally, physically, energetically, spiritually by the LITDFS, but all can be healed with your Twin Soul True Love you both share between you)

-You causing me soul pains & soul tortures being with LITDFS.

-Me causing you soul pains & soul tortures being with LITDFS.

-You feeling soul pains & soul tortures being done to you by the LITDFS.

-Me feeling your soul pains & soul tortures being done to you by the LITDFS.

-Me feeling soul pains & soul tortures being done to me by the LITDFS.

-You feeling my soul pains & soul tortures being done to me by the LITDFS.

-You having heartbreaks from me from previous lives that didn´t get healed, traumas, issues, programmings, addictions, self destructing habits/behaviours, dark side trainings, health issues caused by the LITDFS in your life & past life you bring with you that didn´t get healed.

-Me having heartbreaks from you from previous lives that didn´t get healed, traumas, issues, programmings, addictions, self destructing habits/behaviours, dark side trainings, health issues caused by the LITDFS in my life & past life I bring with me that didn´t get healed.

-You not fighting for me, for our Twin Soul union, for our True Love.

-Me not fighting for you, for our Twin Soul union, for our True Love.

-You not having a life time with me & creating a Twin Soul family with me.

-Me not having a life time with you & creating a Twin Soul family with you.

-You tearing me apart & becoming my enemy because of the LITDFS.

-Me tearing you apart & becoming your enemy because of the LITDFS.

-You leaving me in the dark & never see or talk to me again.

-Me leaving you in the dark & never see or talk to you again.

-You taking me for granted, treating me like a member of your hareem of LITDFS & a humanoid robot.

-Me taking you for granted, treating you like a member of my hareem of LITDFS & a humanoid robot.

-You not completing your soul missions & Twin Soul mission.

-Me not completing my soul missions & Twin Soul mission.

-You choosing the easy path in life.

-Me choosing the easy path in life.

-You turning darker, lost & someone I don´t recognise anymore.

-Me turning darker, lost & someone you don´t recognise anymore.

-You being used, abused, a pleasure & breeding “machine” for the LITDFS.

-Me being used, abused, a pleasure & breeding “machine” for the LITDFS.

-You being controlled & manipulated by your “family” & “friends”, the LITDFS.

-Me being controlled & manipulated by my “family” & “friends”, the LITDFS.

-You falling for seduction & temptation, the “serpents” LITDFS in our garden of Twin Soul Eden.

-Me falling for the seduction & temptation, the “serpents” LITDFS in our garden of Twin Soul Eden.

-You being controlled & programmed with dark magic spells by the LITDFS.

-Me being controlled & programmed with dark magic spells by the LITDFS.

-You being imprisoned in a body that keeps you from me.

-Me being imprisoned in a body that keeps me from you.

-You trying to fight for me, for our True Love, but we still don´t end up together.

-Me trying to fight for you, for our True Love, but we still don´t end up together.

-You saving me, but we still don´t end up together.

-Me saving you, but we still don´t end up together.

How long are we to let the LITDFS control, manipulate & let them have power over us? When do we say enough is enough, stop attacking & going to war on our Twin Soul union? Stop playing with our lives & stop tearing us apart with your self serving agendas! Stop trying to be with us in relationships! The breakdowns of all that needs healing which I wrote & I´m sure there is more, but all this can only be healed when being with a Twin Soul meant for you. That is why, in the Twin Soul community when they say you need to heal on your own, you can´t heal everything on your own, not the damage done to you by your Twin Soul & by LITDFS done to your unions, that can only be healed with your eternal, infinite & never ending True Love Twin Soul you have for your Twin Soul & fighting for each other and unplugging from the “matrix” and creating a new world, a Twin Soul world, a world where Peace, Balance & Twin Soul Unity comes to life. For them to say that Twin Souls heal when being with a LITDFS is seriously misguided, lost & dark, especially when the LITDFS is someone who has targeted the Twin Souls before in another life to be with one of them, especially since the LITDFS can resemble several LITDFS in a Twin Souls life to “repair” the damage done to the Twin Soul when breaking up the union. For example, the LITDFS can resemble/remind a Twin Soul of their “mother”, their sister in law & their “mother in law” with their looks, behaviours, traits, habits, star signs, having that “mother” aspect about them if they are single “mothers” and more, that all took part in destroying the Twin Soul union, but to get the Twin Soul to accept this LITDFS, the LITDFS has to remind the Twin Soul of the Twin Soul they were with, to accept the wolf in she eps clothing so to speak. Cazuki did tell me the LITDFS did remind him of me. This way, when he “loves” this LITDFS, it´s like he´s “loving” everyone that destroyed him & bringing him down to his knees. Messing with Universe lines & time lines is also not healing anything, but just adding more soul pains & soul tortures. This “repair” tactic of the LITDFS was mentioned in the Twin Soul community, but it goes darker than that, like it was mentioned that somehow a LITDFS in one life can come back in another in the same time line & inhabit the body to be with a Twin Soul, so you would have a real life s.n.o.k.e. attack on a soul if that is true. More investigation needed & soul truth testing with other forms of truth testing. I know exactly which LITDFS to test first to reveal if this is true. It would explain a lot of why mental health issues continue to be on the rise, because this is different kinds of attacks to the souls. More investigation needed to verify all this & more with various forms of truth testing. Just to give an example of how dark the LITDFS collective can attack Twin Souls to make sure they never get into union again or for a union to break apart, here is a comment from the Twin Soul community, but I changed the word they use to describe the LITDFS:

“i don’t know what to expect anymore. the toxic LITDFS group won’t give up. They keep trying to fck up his mind. I’m tired…I’m unable to give up. but i ask for Justice. theres too much damage. espeacially my twin (mentally), Sometimes im angry at God and i’m like, wtf God? Are you trying to get me in union with a halfdead twin with exploded braincells?? I don’t mind waiting, i don’t mind separation, i don’t even mind if hes mad at me but can God please, finally free him from that devilish enviroment? how more damaged he must get? since 2016 he simply stopped evolving. I’m even scared if he will do something to himself when he wakes up and realizes the full truth.“ 

When Twin Souls don´t heal each other with their True Love & their powerful healing energies between them, it only gets worse in the next life. To give an example, it´s like shoving it under the carpet all the heartbreaks from past lives from your Twin Soul that didn´t get healed, problems, issues, traumas, pains, tortures, programmings, addictions, self destructing habits/behaviours, dark side trainings, health issues that was caused by the LITDFS to their unions & before their unions so they would have troubles between them, like it´s almost designed for the LITDFS to attack Twin Souls in various ways so they would break apart when unions happen, but this pile under the carpet just keeps getting higher & higher when it doesn´t get healed & then it gets more in the next life. Like I was targeted by my own “family" several times & attacked physically when I was a baby & a toddler, then I was abused which lead to me having trouble being pleasured by Cazuki. I would have this recurring nightmare since I was a child & it would continue when I was an adult. The nightmare would be me not being able to move, speak & when being half asleep & half awake, I could see someone coming for me to attack & the only way to wake up from that was to make an alarming humming sound to wake myself up, because I couldn´t open my mouth. Cazuki would actually wake me up if my humming alarm sound that was loud & I did that on purpose consciously to wake myself up didn´t work. Then in my mid 20s, I was attacked by several who kept wanting to corrupt & taint my Sacred Devine body. To think Rey was never attacked in her life when being a child or older is naive, especially when life is darker in plain sight & behind closed doors, out of sight & out of mind. Let´s for argument sake, say Cazuki & I don´t get together in this life again, but I´m programmed & mind imprisoned again in the next life not remembering anything & I´m not me, I´m not awake, but it´s a lie, & I´m to be with Cazuki again so the LITDFS can get the True Love feelings from him again from our union & to feed off of our Twin Soul break up again, I wonder, what hell torment awaits me in the next life to damage me in anyway before our union happens again? More investigation needed & soul truth testing to see if they really do attack Twin Souls purposefully in various ways before unions happen so that it´s designed to break apart, but if it didn´t break apart like ours didn´t because our True Love was so powerful, then they attack directly like dark magic, manipulation, energy attacks & verbal programming & attacks. The less you are with before your Twin Soul union, the more Sacred, Devine & Universe Blessed your Twin Soul union will be & the more powerfully positive your pure True Love will be. Cazuki & I were only with one other before our union, so we didn´t have massive amount of negative energies, codes or other corrupting energies/thoughts & soul attacks on us before our union. Now if only we were both single & stayed positively pure before our union being with no one at all except each other.

“Magnetism - Wherever you are you´re drawn to your Twin Soul. Whether you´re in the other room or at the other side of the world, that magnetic draw is still there. This is not to say that you need to be in each other´s company the entire time. In fact, you will actually spend a great deal of time apart while keeping your individuality and pursuing your goals, but you always feel that magnetic attraction connection, seemingly trying to reconnect you both.”

I mentioned before how, Cazuki & I could be working in different areas of our house, busy doing our own things, then we would miss each other & go looking for the other which made us both smile & laugh. We missed each other even if it was only hours since we last saw each other. Only Twin Souls would understand that. Being drawn to each other no matter how far apart will always be true, but this happens more so after you come into union & your Twin Soul True Love between you both is activated. This is another reason why Twin Soul Eves should be the Reys & not be so quick to come into union unless you know your Twin Soul Adams are in it for a life time 100%, otherwise you will suffer in both your souls for a life time & it doesn´t matter if your programmed minds believe it´s “good” with anyone else, your souls will still feel the pains & tortures.  You know you are Twin Souls when you both are working on your own individual goals & dreams, but also working together on goals & dreams when you both have accomplished on your own with your own individual missions. 

“I will always love you means nothing unless the mind is fearlessly aligned with the heart. It takes the courage of a warrior to make & keep a vow of love!” unknown.

“Spiritual - In a Twin Soul relationship, one person will always be more spiritually inclined than the other. This person allows the other to travel down their own spiritual path and together, you´ll reach levels of consciousness that would be impossible to reach individually.”

If we can wrap our minds around the fact that we are already spiritually evolved beings technically, when two halves of a soul become One, but when the soul is separated from each other, one is spiritually connected more than the other. How to know if you are a Twin Soul that is not spiritually connected than your other Twin Soul? You are more into the earthly pursuits of happiness & accomplishments than heavenly spiritual ones. Like you could be interested in several of these like money, possessions, luxury life styles, expensive travels & holidays, status, fame, control, power, self serving, building an empire, wanting loyal followers, superficial & shallow living, being with anyone or the many, having a fun & easy life, breaking up couples & families to be with one of them or breaking up to be with someone more “upgraded” and more. If you are in a relationship where both of you are like in this many ways, then you are in a darker vs darker relationship & not a Twin Soul relationship & the outcome is always the same, because it´s the same road being taken & why the world is the way it is. As for being on our own spiritual paths, how many more times are we to be on our own spiritual paths and re-learn what the one Twin Soul who is more spiritual than the other already knows? Just because we have mind prisons on us preventing us from knowing our past lives, doesn´t mean our souls don´t know, because they do. As for the Twin Soul who is not more connected spiritually, how can they really reach high levels of consciousness when not being with their Twin Soul? They are missing the other half of their soul & no one else is going to mirror back to them what they need healing with from all the damage done to them by the LITDFS in every life time. No one is going call them out on their words & actions if they are not being their true selves when they are showing present life & past life programmings, issues, dark side trainings and more damage done to them by the LITDFS. Yes we can all take our own individual Soul Hermit Mission paths & awaken, but even those souls are still missing the other half of their spiritual path & that is being with their True Love Twin Soul that you are meant to be with if you wish for the full spiritual high flying path.

“Change - Twin Souls fully accept each other´s issues, traumas, programmings, dark side trainings, weird behaviours and more without any judgment, criticism & attacks, knowing they bring with them present life & past life struggles on them caused by LITDFS in their lives & understand what they are dealing with & know so much needs healing. To be in a Twin Soul relationship is to change, otherwise you stagnate & stay the same. You wouldn´t grow, learn or evolve and you wouldn´t awaken your hearts & souls. The Twin Soul philosophy is “I don´t want a better guy, but I want to be with The One that will inspire me to be a better person as I hope I do the same for him.” While a LITDFS relationship with a Twin Soul not meant for them, their philosophy is “I don´t want to change, I don´t want anyone to change me & I will never change the person I am with”. A Twin Soul recognises the mirror effect of a Twin Soul and understands if something isen´t sitting right, then change comes from within. A Twin Soul will encourage their partners uniqueness and push them to be themselves.”

“Commitment - Twin Souls are super committed to each other and would never stab the other in the back just to get ahead. They know there is nothing greater than the True Love they share between them. Nobody catches their interest quite like their Twin Soul and this means you have complete trust in them.”

This obviously doesn´t take in account the Twin Soul wars, because when wars are upon them both & they are targeted again, one will fall to the negative energies & break the heart of their Twin Soul if they have no idea what they are up against & can´t defend themselves or don´t know how to. Depending on programmings, dark side trainings, past & present life baggage a Twin Soul has, even their star sign could lead them to have eyes that wonder, being curious of other girls or giving attention to other girls & accepting attention from other girls. If they have no idea that they are bringing negative energies & codes on them back to their Twin Soul union, this will drive them apart when one is tainted with negative sexual energies from other girls onto them. In a Twin Soul relationship, the eyes a Twin Soul has is only for his Twin Soul Queen, no other & they don´t care for the attention of other girls & don´t give attention to other girls. If you play with fire, you only end up getting burned in the end. In a Twin Soul relationship, they will pull away from you if you are tainted with negative energies & codes on you from other girls flirting with you & you possibly flirting with them. Your Twin Soul pulls away, because they feel it on you and are sensitive to energies as Twin Souls will be to each other & they don´t wish to have their Sacred Devine bodies to be tainted with that & they are protecting their Sacred eggs from you. With a LITDFS relationship with a Twin Soul Adam not meant for her, she will have no problems with girls wanting him & flirting with him, because in her mind, it´s like “Yeah I have him & you don´t, so that´s all you get, flirt all you like, but he is mine!” In a Twin Soul relationship, if you flirt with girls & accept girls flirting with you & the negative energies transfer to you, your Twin Soul will sense it & pull away & feel something is wrong. If the person you are with doesn´t react, doesn´t sense something is wrong & doesn´t pull away from you & still wishes to be intimate with you, then they are a LITDFS. Only a Twin Soul would sense something is very wrong. Obviously if you already have flirted & accepted girls flirting with you, but the person you are with didn´t care, then they are not your Twin Soul. 

If you are in a Twin Soul union, but your Twin Soul expresses the fact that he felt like he wished he could of been with others before meeting you, which is just so dark & very westworld, also perverts True Love & Twin Soul Scared unions, then your Twin Soul is being mind targeted in someway. He is not being his true self like he used to be when his eyes & attention were only for you. If anyone believes our souls when we leave these easily corruptible bodies & minds are thinking the same as the lost minds, then they are seriously lost. Our souls only want The One meant for us. When a Twin Soul starts speaking like this, thinking like this, it makes you question them & ask, isen´t a million times being programmed to be with a million different girls enough? Still not satisfied in soul torturing yours & my soul & their souls, you need to torture more? Universe, guide me to meet my Twin Soul Cazuki who only has eyes for me his Twin Soul Queen, he only wants me, he has no interest ever to be with anyone else, he does not give attention to any girls wanting him & does not accept attention from any girls wanting him.

“Twin Flames burn eternal. Destined to shine bright in a united embrace that is set to last for eternity.” Truth Devour 

“Truth - You can be completely truthful with your Twin Soul and not feel like you are going to be made fun of or belittled. Twin Souls share their thoughts about everything, not holding back. It can be surprising to experience this complete level of honesty, but it is this communication that leads to your overall contentment with each other.”

Being truthful will happen between Twin Souls & you both never hold back, but say anything & everything on your minds without fear of losing them. I was warned by my friends not to spook my Twin Soul or he´ll run from me. Since I don´t listen to anyone with their rules & games, I went my own way as I always do. The freedom is found in going your own way & not being controlled by anyone. I would know if he was my Twin Soul if he stayed & didn´t run when I would shock him or spook him like saying in our first month together, I wanted 8 children with him. He didn´t run, but he was shocked & did come around that same day to having 6-8 children which made me laugh & he said it´s more fun in having that many kids by making those kids instead of adopting, which is what I wanted to do, have 2, adopt the rest. We were completely honest with one another & told each other everything, our dark, our light & grey, our history, our memories, our childhood, who we´ve been with before & what our lives were like before getting together. The only times we would not be honest was when we were targeted by LITDFS messing with our lives, our minds, our bodies & our energies. When minds & energies can be impacted in a negative way, it will impact your unions. As soon you find out who are the LITDFS around you, step away if you wish to protect your unions. You know you are with your Twin Soul when you are together & he doesn´t get spooked or runs away & he´s all in with you for a life time as Cazuki was with me since day one of our Twin Soul Union. 

“Drive - Twin Souls make it their business to learn the others drives, ambitions and goals. They push each other to achieve them and help in any way they can. Supporting your Twin Soul feels like the most natural thing in the world and you know you´ll get the same level of support back when pursuing your goals.”

When Cazuki was working on his masters, I did help support him to finish it, almost like reminding him, because I knew how much he wanted to finish it & I was like his team Twin Soul Pegacorn mascot energising him up to complete it. Same thing happened if he was in jobs he was very unhappy with, my mascot energies came back & cheering him on to find other jobs if he was unhappy in the one he was in. With his business I helped in anyway I could, also supporting him, giving business advice from my soul wisdom & any suggestions to help the business. Cazuki did the same with me, but I kind of refused his help, because unlike him, I was not accomplished yet & I wanted to accomplish something on my own before we Team Twin Soul our goals & dreams together, but we definitely made it our business to learn the each others goals, dreams & passions, because we both wanted the other to succeed & we knew we both wanted to succeed in our goals & dreams.

“Awakening - Life is awakening our minds so our souls can shine through & remember why we are here, why we are alive, why we want only The One for us.  Awakening our minds so our souls can be in control should be one of our main missions. It shouldn´t be called learning lessons especially since we have lived millions of life times possibly. Our souls already know the lessons, what we should be doing is awakening our souls to remember those lessons in every life we are reset to know nothing again. We have prisons & programmings on our minds, but once we crack down those walls, our souls are free to remember the lessons we already know. How to awaken our souls fast at a speed of light? Will always be with your Twin Soul. That is another reason why Twin Souls are targeted, the LITDFS don´t want Twin Souls to awaken at all, but to stay asleep so they are easier to control. Other ways to awaken your souls? Raise your energy vibrations to a higher frequency & seek out information that your soul & intuition is guiding you to remember. Don´t listen to LITDFS around you that don´t want you to know about the information, listen to your own soul, don´t let fear & control from others control your life. Break free & be free from them all! Do you want to know about True Love, relationships, Twin Souls & being with The One? Then research, read, watch stories, talk to Twin Souls who know about the Twin Soul wars & Twin Soul couples, but to say we have to be in relationships with people to “learn lessons” is seriously dark & unbalanced. That´s just LITDFS way of saying, they want to experience what it´s like to be with other people, what they smell like, touch like, feel like and so on. That´s not True Love at all, but that is a westworld way of life. 

What is the meaning of life? Re-learning, re-growing & re-evolving our souls! Awakening our hearts & souls! Breaking free from any types of controls on us from anyone! Breaking free from any mind prisons & programmings on us! Being a free Universe Being! Working to be better, do better, be good to life, be good to ourselves, create positive change in the world, be it something small or big! Work on our soul missions! Work on our Twin Soul mission! Be with our True Love Twin Soul! Create a future with our Twin Soul! Become an enlightened & spiritual Being! Awakening the most can only be done with your Twin Soul, because there are somethings only souls who are in deep True Love with each other can do & as a Twin Soul Team True Love, you support & help each other awaken one another faster & get through the most difficult times of your life.

“You and your Twin Flame planned on meeting on Earth long before you were born. The two of you came to life planning to join together in Love - no matter what challenges you face on the way. Trust yourself & listen to your Heart. You already know it´s possible!” Cassady Cayne    

“Attraction - You are completely head over heels, attracted to your Twin Flame. Their personality, the way they say certain words, all of it. You find yourself attracted to everything about them and every day you find yourself amazed by something else they do. This attraction is deep, multileveled and it doesn´t fade”

This was very extreme between us & it went beyond it all. His voice, his beautiful body (no matter the shape), his beautiful face (no matter how different he looked), his touch, his breath, his warmth, his eyes, his scent, his interesting & fun & witty & strange & wonderful personality, his words, his brilliant analytical & challenging fast mind, his good kind heart & his light deep soul was magnetic attraction. Our True Love for each other was out of this world crazy & I would never wish to be with anyone else if I didn´t have that same exact energy & soul match 100% with my One. The soul connection was so powerful, positive, pure, real, honest, rare, electric, intense, magnetic, chemistry sparks flying, extreme, passionate, wild, beautiful, free, loving, caring, giving, challenging, smart, alive, intellectual, animalistic, compassionate, understanding, wonderful, extraordinary & once in a life time. The kind of True Love you dream about, hope for, wish for, think about, write about & imagine, then it happens finally after 21 years. Twin Souls love everything about their Twin Souls & do discover more ways to love them even more. Everything gets heightened between Twin Souls when they are close to each other or even far apart from each other. Their energies are extreme & it happens right away, you can´t miss it, but will feel every part of it. Your soul will be pulled to his soul & his soul will be pulled to your soul. Once you meet your Twin Soul, your souls will want to be together, even if your minds & energies want to run from each other & getting together will happen fast. It´s happens fast, because you haven´t seen each other since you were both reborn last time in a last life.

“Healing - Together you can help each other heal from past wounds and hard times that happens in the present. Being loved so unconditionally is an amazing way of getting you to deal with past hurts and traumas. The continual strength, love and support of your Twin Flame can get through some of the most difficult times. It also allows you to work on emotional issues such as distrust, jealousy and fear and complete turn them on their head.”

Healing is actually one of the Twin Souls Goddess/God powers between them. They are the only ones that can heal the damages done to them by the LITDFS in every life time, because Twin Souls are the ones that do the most damages to each other when they break & get together with a LITDFS instead & it starts all over again in the next life when nothing gets healed, but more damages are added. I wonder, if it was deeply investigated, how many Twin Souls are targeted before unions so they would be damaged so that the Twin Souls would leave them for a LITDFS. It´s almost like, if all Twin Souls who were the volunteers to come to Earth, were any of them targeted in destructive ways before unions like I was? I wonder, how many Adams were dark side trained & programmed in various ways before unions to end up breaking apart their Eves to be with a LITDFS like Cazuki? Healing each other happens when no attacks & no wars are against your unions from LITDFS in your lives targeting you both again. How can you both heal if more damages keep being added to you both by LITDFS with their self serving agendas again in another life when they attack you in various ways? I disagree with the whole jealousy between Twin Souls, because I see it as an inner alarm system for the Twin Souls. There is negative jealousy & positive jealousy. The negative jealousy is from LITDFS that are jealous of your unions & wish for you both to end so they can be with one or both of you like what happened to us. The negative jealousy is also from LITDFS that don´t have the same extreme magnetic powerful energy & soul matched relationship like Twin Souls have in their own relationship which will also make them want to break apart your unions like what happened to us. Positive jealousy is between Twin Souls & when a LITDFS is coming near a Twin Soul expressing their interest & wanting to send their negative sexual energies to one of the Twin Souls, it would be completely natural to react extremely even, because it´s your soul alarming you that this has happened a million or billion times before & if you do nothing, your Twin Soul could be another victim for the LITDFS targeting them in various ways. Loving each other everyday & reminding the other they are in it for a life time no matter what will help heal the damages done to them. When you fight for each other you heal each other more. The more you fight for each other, the stronger the True Love becomes & the more damage is healed.

“Authenticity - Twin Flames know the value of authenticity and never try to be other people. They don´t stage their lives across social media or go out of their way to make others feel inferior to their connection. Far from it. They understand the gift they have and fully embrace it!”

Cazuki & I never had this problem & we didn´t splash our lives across social media, like wanting everyone to see how in love we are or our Twin Soul connection. Of course if we were on a our Twin Soul mission together & we were in the spotlight, then yes, we would have had our lives be shown to inspire others wanting their One for them, but we wouldn´t do that if our Twin Soul mission wasen´t operational yet, but still being worked on. That´s part of the Twin Soul mission, inspire others wanting their Twin Soul. You can´t do that if you are out of sight & out of mind. It´s not about feeling inferior, it´s about lighting up the world that there is such a thing called The One & everyone has a One meant for them. It´s been talked about a lot, but when a Twin Soul Adam gets together with a LITDFS, she will have no problems splashing her life with him all over social media wanting everyone to know who she went after when coming between Twin Souls. If you can read codes & are extremely sensitive to energies, you will feel the negative energies in those pictures if it´s a LITDFS with a Twin Soul not meant for her. What do I mean by reading codes? If you can feel the energies not being good, it means you can read the codes & if you can read the codes, you can see that they are not meant to be. Anyone going after Twin Souls are not being authentic at all or being their true selves to their soul core. How can they be? They are literally trying to push themselves into a Twin Soul unions life to then push his Twin Soul Eve out so the LITDFS can take her place & play house & play his dark “twin soul queen”. How is that authentic exactly? How they came to be when destroying life & True Love to be together is also not authentic. Even their life “love” story is not authentic & would be a lie when they tell people how they came to be, because they wouldn´t tell the whole truth, but just pick & choose scenes from the whole story. If they did tell the whole story, real people would react in a negative way. The LITDFS splashing their lives on social media is not authentic, because again how they came to be & how his mind was controlled & programmed to be with her against his free will & soul that never wanted to leave me. The LITDFS don´t care about being authentic or truthful, but what they care about is what people would think, so they spin a story, their story even if it´s built on lies, deceit, manipulations, secrets, dark magic, attacks, wars, games, dramas, emotional cheating, seduction, temptation, flirtation, selfishness, jealousy, greedy, dark, lost, unbalanced, needy, controlling and more. Cazuki & I didn´t have to flaunt our True Love to the world or to people, not that we ever did, but we did notice people would comment positively on our union & be drawn to our union even if we didn´t do anything besides just being there. Being authentic was important to us & in a Twin Soul union, you are your authentic selves & authentic to each other, because you both know, you have your own unique individual identities & goals & dreams, but you also have your joint Twin Soul identity with your Twin Soul mission together. 

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies” Aristotle

“Creativity - Together Twin Flames can create some incredible pieces of art and work. A Muse is a real thing and the inspiration you get from your Twin Flame is unlike anything you will have experienced before. Whether you´re creating together or individually, the Twin Flame union allows you to dig deep into the creative recesses than you´ve ever gone before”.

Both Cazuki & I were creative before we came into union, I had written plenty of songs & a sic fi script before coming together, but when union happens, your True Love does inspire you more in your work, art, creations, ideas, solutions, goals & dreams. It´s almost like everything gets energised way beyond this world & you both end up wanting to reach the stars with everything you wish to accomplish. The only reason why Cazuki & I did not collaborate on anything small together, was because I wanted to accomplish by myself first before we collaborated together. If my first accomplishment that gave me freedom to stand on my own two feet was with the help of Cazuki, it wouldn´t feel like my own accomplishment at all & it would definitely feel like we are in a parent/child relationship. LITDFS have no problems getting help from the Twin Soul Adams they are with to accomplish so that they are free to be successfully independent, because when being with a Twin Soul Adam not meant for them, they see opportunities, they see wealth, they see luxury life styles, they see status, they see fame, they see materialistic possessions & they see he can help create their dreams come true. 

We both inspired each other with our ideas & creations & the incredible work of art we were working on was that Atlantis place where everything is different & nothing is the same, something never seen before in a different new way, but if Twin Souls have any plans, dreams & goals of challenging the LITDFS way of life, like creating a new kind of place for life, then Twin Souls will be targeted, especially when they want to create a place where LITDFS have no control over life or Twin Souls ever again. Cazuki told me he will take what he learned from our union & continue on that dream place, but he fails to see or is unable to see, he only brings with him the very way of life that is already impacting the world, that place he creates will still be under control by the LITDFS around him still. That is not freedom, that is not positive change, but it´s the same & it´s just living in a better looking society with more comforts. Kind of reminds me of aeon flux which is another Twin Soul story. The darkness & unbalance continues, it´s just out of sight & out of mind. For real positive change, for real balance & peace is if the wars on all life & Twin Souls come to end & Twin Souls are in unions. Obviously that was not his soul speaking to me, only his lost in the dark mind. Whenever you come across a creation that was birthed from a Twin Soul couple together, you will feel it in their real, honest, positive powerful energies & it will rock your world, shake up your life & open up your eyes to out of this world possibilities & being inspired to want to find that One True Love meant for you.

“Understanding - A Twin Flame union, one of their soul core foundations is complete understanding for each other. Understanding that you both come into the union with possible traumas, issues, programmings, damages and more done to you by the LITDFS in your lives & past lives, so you have compassion, patience & empathy for each other & love each other unconditionally. There is no judgement, criticisms or attacks. Understanding the incredible importance of freedoms & being free to go wherever & see whoever without asking permission or being controlled or supervisied in anyway. Understanding that you have individual goals as well as goals together. Understanding that you have different personalities and ways of thinking, yet you both can think & feel the same. No two people are the same and it´s a waste of energy to get upset when someone doesn´t act the same way you do, but if they are mirroring back to you what they need healing with, then you obviously heal that with your True Love, your challenging mind & your wisdom soul. You both share the same soul core values & when you “light sabre” battle each other for example in your debates & passionate words, you are breaking down programmings, mind prisons, dark side trainings, issues & anything else to awaken their hearts & souls, reminding them of your same soul core values & morals, you do have the same soul. The mind isen´t always the truth, especially if their minds are drowning in negative thought patterns, programmings, manipulations, dark side trainings and more, but the soul is always the truth, so challenge the minds, you then awaken the souls! When your soul is challenging his soul to remind his mind of who he really is to his soul core, you are breaking down walls, prisons & programmings on him.

“Balance - Light & Dark, Yin & Yang. One aspect of your Twin Soul will be mirrored & balanced back to you in return. If one Twin Soul is dark, the other lightness will balance this. If one is introverted, the others social skills will balance this. Mirrors are a key aspect of spirituality and never more so than in a Twin Flame relationship. You complete each other and where you fear you fall short as individuals, together you can achieve anything.”

Balance is the quintessential of a Twin Soul union & they bring Balance to everything in their lives, their work, their art, their creations, their families they create, their Twin Soul missions, their positive changes they bring to the world, the Balance between their energies of one being darker & the other being lighter. Balance with the Peace they bring & massive positive energies they ignite between them & light up like the suns & stars & inspire the world to want to find their One meant for them. The shape of the world shows everyone why there is no Balance, but a divide between light & dark, good & bad, heaven & hell, positive & negative & you will know when true Balance is happening in the world, it´s when you see Twin Soul couples everywhere bringing Balance in their lives, to all lives & the world. Obviously they can´t bring balance to those who wish for everything to stay the same, but if Twin Souls step away from the LITDFS who wish to tear apart their unions, then Twin Souls can continue on their Twin Soul mission together.

“Twin Soul Love is Eternal. The Union transcends Time & Space. The Bond is Unbreakable for there is a string that connects them. One Soul Two Hearts. No matter how far they wonder apart, The Universe always creates a Harmonious elixir drawing them back Together for the Highest good of all!” Unknown

To be continued...

[nemesis-nexus]

Hail Marduk shining beacon in the Darkness who guides us all through the storm but does not shield us from the effects so that we may emerge stronger on the other side, HEAR US! The last year alone has been REALLY trying, we have seen the very WORST of human nature brought to the forefront via those who would brutalize and dehumanize those who want nothing more than to preserve their way of life and to defend natures resources as well as federally protected areas from being destroyed in the pursuit of the almighty dollar. We have seen those whose greed and arrogance are such that they don’t care whose lives they put in danger or what they annihilate in the process so long as they get what they want, literally by ANY means necessary!

We have also seen many new alliances forged and tempered in the fire of determination and unification to reach a common goal and that is to spiritually transcend our social bondage and preconceived notions of other people and cultures to bring one another back to the whole and to reestablish the connection between the human world and the natural world. It has not been easy and there have been many setbacks but because we supported each other and we kept on moving instead of just laying down when things got rough, we were able to overcome many obstacles and we are now seeing the results of our persistence!

The so-called powers-that-be are not looking after our best interests rather they are looking after their own and disguising it as politics. The reality of the situation is that no politician should ever have any more perceived power than the citizens are willing to give them and when that power becomes unbalanced it is up to the citizens to take it back. In fact Thomas Jefferson once said that “When tyranny becomes the rule, rebellion becomes the Duty” and he is not talking about necessarily staging a coup de gras, what he means is the whole reason we have a constitutional republic is because the people not the politicians are supposed to have the final say. In the last thirty years or so we have seen the people have less and less of a say in what the politicians do and this is not acceptable!

In the beginning when Tiamat decided that she no longer wished to deal with her creations because they instead of falling in line chose to interact with everything around them and to pave their own way across the Stars. Our ancestors had a choice - they could either comply and just lay down to die or they could rise up and fight back - our ancestors decided that despite how they got to the point of having to push back that only one thing really mattered and that was the perpetuation and protection of life. The other thing that is left to fight for is our home, the Earth itself.

While the Earth will in fact go on without us one way or another that does not mean that we are entitled to abuse her while we are here. The Earth has sustained life since its inception and has sustained the human race since we first showed up, as such it deserves the same amount of respect if not more than our human parents do! We all know that there are many areas on this planet that have been strip-mined bare, blown up, cut down, poisoned and genetically modified. We also know how well these factors sustain life in that they don’t, in fact they are the leading causes of avoidable disasters and a heightened death toll!

That being said you would THINK that the first thing on any Leaders mind would be to safeguard the peoples best interest and that they would start by making sure the waterways were free from contaminants – not giving a NOTORIOUSLY destructive industry such as coal mining free access to dump debris directly into it OR to slash the budget that was cleaning up MAJOR water ways such as the Great Lakes – but apparently we meek and meager souls need to stick our heads back in the sand, stop asking questions and demanding answers because who are we to make our leaders be held accountable for the things they do and DON’T do?!

Unrelenting Father Satan if you would have only acted in your own best interest and that of your Counsel, WE WOULD NOT BE HERE, we would have been cast to the 8 directions and rendered along the way! In fact it is because you put your own life at risk to do away with the old programming and to enhance the human race that we are able to make the critical decisions that we do and in a timely manner so that no matter WHO may be at the helm of the ship, we will NOT sink as a result of their arrogance! It is because you gave us the wherewithal to see beyond the smoke to gaze at what is REALLY in the mirror and hear beyond the cacophony of mindless yammering to decipher what is really being said that we will not comply nor will we just lay down and allow ANYONE to just walk all over us!

You are the one who gave us the Strength of Spirit and Presence of Mind to rise up and resist anyone whose agenda only serves to destroy all that those who came before fought and in many cases DIED to protect from succumbing to such a fate at the hands of foreign entities! We will not allow the memories of those who were willing to give it all, just like you were, to be faded! As you fought against one of the most powerful forces in existence for the sake of saving everything in creation, so shall we fight against any and all who pose a similar threat REGARDLESS of who they are or their social status!

You are also a politician as well and when you spoke ALL your words were filled with wisdom and direction, logic and structure, each intended to guide us on our Path to a better future where we are free from our constraints and no longer need to live under the heel of an oppressive regime that claims superiority over everyone else but can only do so because they STOLE the basis of their belief system from other people then tried to murder them all so that history would forget they ever existed and none would be the wiser!

The problem is that, again, you Father gave us the ability to rise up and even though millions have been tortured and murdered at the hands of other humans, millions more have fought back! This is how we were able to move beyond the Crusades, Burning Times and Salem Witch Trials, because you can only terrorize people for so long before they stop being afraid and start kicking the asses of those doing the terrorizing! When you are in a situation where you have nothing to lose but your life, you will do whatever you need to do to survive! You knew this; it is one of the reasons why you had no reservations about stepping up and leading the charge during the War!

More than anything you are a trusted Counselor who whenever we need to seek advice for anything, we know that we can ask you for guidance and NEVER have to question you regarding any secret motives or hidden agendas because we know that OUR success is YOUR success. There are times when our own anxieties have us up in arms but in your own wisdom tell us we already know the answer and make us meditate on the question or problem that much harder, not because you are being difficult but because your faith in us is such that you know we will eventually figure it out on our own.

The adage “If you GIVE a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you TEACH a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.” Now this is quite true because if you just gave us all the answers then we would have no reason to have brains because we would have no use for them, the whole point with being able to think is to be able to think on one’s own without having to rely on ones teacher to simply supply all the answers! However when and if a situation arises that we really aren’t able to work our way through on our own we know that you will be there, but again, you will only show us the door, we will have to discover the answer on the other side on our own. This is the best way, it teaches us to utilize critical thinking and it enables us to be more self-reliant rather than dependent on others no matter who it may be!

Father while we do rely on you to help see us through our more trying times we do not actively expect anything from you in the sense that we do not feel entitled to be given anything we want without either exchanging something of equal value or at least providing some kind of service to obtain it just because we think we are special, instead we prefer to work for and earn everything we acquire because when we do our due diligence it speaks volumes about our sense of integrity and self-respect. It is unfortunate that there are so many out there who believe that everyone else including you is obligated to provide even the basics to them at all times because they are too lazy and self-centered to put in the effort to get anything on their own, they feel the world owes them something and hard work is the bane of their existence! Still there are others who have little to nothing who will not only share what little they have with those who have even less, but are willing to go without to make sure someone else doesn’t have to! The best part about that is many times these people do these things anonymously because they aren’t doing it for the praise but because they genuinely care!

AVE MARDUK! Tonight is the night of the Full Strawberry Rose Moon and also the 4th Anniversary of my Walking your Gate! When I read the Necronomicon as a teenager I thought it was an interesting story and yet all the years since then only ONE name in the whole book stayed with me and I had no idea why! Even though the Necronomicon is a work of fiction, it proved to be a very useful tool and still does, not only did it help me to focus my energy better, it also lead me to the Enuma Elis and ultimately Home to you! Like the strawberry my Path has NOT been an easy one, in fact there were a couple times I thought it might actually KILL me, but it didn’t! No matter how rough things got, I was always able to get through it “with just a little help from my friends” who never failed me but also did not coddle me, instead they forced me to deal with everything that came my way head-on yet in stride.

As a result I no longer feel the need to react to everything everyone does because when it comes right down to it some people and situations are just NOT worth my energy no matter how minute the expulsion! Instead if I feel a situation is worthy of my time, I gather all the information, talk to people if needed and take it from there. If I determine that the person or people are not willing to cooperate or otherwise are behaving irrationally, I simply make a public statement (if it’s warranted) or I just walk away. I don’t waste my time on those whose ego’s are such that they are more concerned about servicing their own agenda than they are with showing others the respect they want and oftentimes DEMAND for themselves!

I don’t care who a person THINKS they are, they WILL show me the respect I damn well deserve after all the shit I’ve dealt with or they can hit the road! There are times when a misunderstanding can throw a wrench in the works, when this happens I am willing to work things out when the dust settles but that is really dependent on the attitude of the one who committed the infraction! Thank you Marduk for giving me the strength of character to be patient with those who deserve it and unyielding with those who don’t! AVE SATANI!

As we make our way through life we meet all different kinds of people from all different kinds of places and the more we interact with them, the more we ourselves grow because more often than not we learn new things such as a language or culture or even how to stop every so often and just appreciate the sound of the birds in the trees, the water as it rushes downstream and to smell the fresh air that we all too often take for granted but these days most certainly can not! Sometimes just sitting down and watching the squirrels run from tree to tree or watching frogs hop around or birds in flight is all we need to relieve stress and recenter ourselves! Sometimes nature itself is the best antidepressant there is and the only thing it wants from us is our love and respect, I DON’T think that is asking too much, do you?

Speaking of different people, languages and cultures, I would like to show some love to the people of White Earth, Minnesota who are celebrating their 149th Anniversary tonight! May all your relatives find their way home and may you all have a great night filled with music, dancing, laughter, good food and better conversation! May you make connections with new people and may you share your stories and traditions with the next generations so that they can carry these things into the next era! May the love of Family and Friends wash away any negative energy and may you be revitalized in Heart and Spirit!

To all those in my Temple, I wish you all a fantastic night full of wonder and exhilaration! May you evict any negative people or situations that are renting space in your heads! May you experience the rejuvenating flow of restorative energy! May those you care about find their burdens lifted! May your cups runneth over and may you not want for anything! May your fortune and luck manifest in abundance and may you always remember to help others when you are able even if someone else doesn’t help you keeping in mind that OUR actions should NEVER be determined by anyone else as we alone are responsible for the choices we make and actions we take and as such to not aid someone who needs help because we may have been burned by another makes us just as bad as the person who burned us!

Remember to always love yourselves no matter how difficult it might be at times, everyone falters now and again, when this happens you have two choices; acknowledge it, learn from it and move on or lay down and wallow in it. Only one of these options will enable us to grow and evolve as human beings! Above all else always remember that Father loves you know matter how many times you might fall on your face because his love unconditional and universal, the only time he will turn you out is if you harm a child, animal or the elderly! His love may be unconditional but his anger and vengeance are unrelenting to those who would do harm to his other “children!” AVE MARDUK! AVE SATANI!

Moon Song

The Moon is High, The Earth is low, Into the Darkness we will go!

The Sky is lit with a rose-colored orb, The energy emitted we will absorb!

The music is heard though no instrument is found, It is the song of the Water, Wind, Fire and Ground!

We come together as one to honor the Deity, Our Father, the unsurpassed Head of our Family!

We gather up treats and goodies for the Wee Ones, Father’s other Spiritual Daughters and Sons!

We give a toast and we converse with them openly, We are grateful to be in the presence of such astute company!

We take the time to reflect on the month that passed, We go over all the things and situations amassed!

We collect any and all negative energy, Then send it back to where it came from accordingly!

Whether celebrating alone or with Friends and Family, Remember always; We Are ONE Even Though We Are MANY!

ZI ANA KANPA! ZI KIA KANPA!

MAY THE DEAD RISE AND SMELL THE INCENSE!

Etiamsi MULTA Et Nos UNUM Sumus Nos Sto Validus Ut Nos Sto Una!

Semper Veritas, Semper Fideles, In Diabolus Nomen Nos Fides! AVE SATANÍ!

(We Are ONE Even Though We Are MANY And We Stand STRONGEST When We Stand TOGETHER!

Always TRUTHFUL, Always FAITHFUL, In Satan’s Name We Trust! HAIL SATAN!)

Ave URURU! Ave EA! Ave DIMUZI! Ave ININNI! Ave GILGAMESH! Ave ENKIDU! Ave TIAMAT! Ave ABSU! Ave MARDUK! Ave SARPANITUM! Ave SATANÍ! HAIL SATAN!

HPS Meg “Nemesis Nexus” Prentiss