#from when i started working on this to now this thing has changed so much

[y3sterdaysproblem]

you’re not sorry - m.s.

summary: could’ve loved you all my life if you hadn’t left me in the cold

warnings: angst, sensitive topics, no happy ending.

{read with caution}

wc: 3k+

Another night.

Another night waiting up for your boyfriend who could never be bothered to let you know when he’d be home; if he’d even be coming home that night.

It was like this for months at this point. Day after day of you waiting up just for him to stumble inside smelling like alcohol and weed, clothes disheveled as he plows through your front door. You didn’t even know what had changed, but it had.

Things were so good, beyond good, to the point where you guys were considering marriage, considering a family. Maybe it was all too much for him, but that wasn’t your burden to bear.

Your perfect, loving boyfriend had turned into someone you barely recognized, having to look so hard to find pieces of the man you fell for in the man you no longer knew.

You were about to give up and head to bed when you heard keys jingling at the front door, the man outside clearly struggling to unlock it. You stayed planted on the couch, waiting for him to finally come crashing in and make up some excuse about what he was doing out so late. You never believed him anymore.

When the door swung open and your boyfriend stumbled through it, his eyes met yours almost instantly, a small, forced smile appearing on his face. “Hey, baby,” he calls out, shutting the door behind him and kicking his shoes off before he made his way towards you, tripping over his own feet once or twice until he sat down next to you.

You let out an aggravated sigh, standing up and walking away from the couch, not wanting to sit next to him and smell the alcohol leeching off of his breath. It was beyond disgusting and if the smell didn’t make you sick, the thought of everything would. The thought of your life crumbling in a matter of months was enough to make you cry so hard you threw up on multiple occasions, the depression caused by this man that swore he loved you being the culprit of so many breakdowns you couldn’t even count anymore.

“You’re drunk, Matt,” you grumble, crossing your arms.

His eyes trail up to you, shaking his head quickly. “I’m not drunk, just tipsy, I swear. I stopped drinking a few hours ago.”

Your heart dropped. A few hours ago?

“And where have you been in those last few hours, hm?” You question, not really knowing if you wanted to know the answer.

Matt groans, throwing his head back on the couch. “Here we fucking go. All you do is nag on me fucking constantly, why do you think I’m gone all the time? I’ll tell you. Because you can’t fucking shut the fuck up and let me live for two minutes. You’re always up my ass asking me what I’m doing or who I’m with.”

Your heart starts to race in your chest, knowing you’re about to get in another fight with the man you used to never argue with. You used to have perfect communication, always able to work through your issues and things that bothered you, but now it was like a flip switched and he wanted to argue about everything, sober or not.

“I never see you anymore, Matt! You’re never home to just spend time with me! All I fucking want is to lay in bed and watch a movie with my boyfriend who cuddles with me and tells me he loves me! You act like I don’t exist and it hurts and I’m trying to stay but sometimes I wonder why I do.” Your voice is shaky as you speak, the adrenaline and emotions quickly getting to you. You never were good at fighting without crying.

“Why?” Matt questions quietly, dropping his gaze to his lap.

You’re confused. “Why what?” You ask him dryly, arms still crossed in an attempt to protect yourself, almost like you were protecting your heart.

He’s quiet for a moment before he speaks. “Why try to stay? If I’m so awful?”

Your breath catches in your throat. Was this it? Was this the fight you’ve been fearing for the last few weeks? Has everything you both have worked towards finally hit a wall?

“Because… because I keep hoping this is just a phase and you’ll snap out of it and love me again,” you choke out, tears filling your eyes. “I don’t understand what I did to make you not love me anymore and every day that I sit here by myself and think about it, I can’t come up with an answer and you won’t tell me. I would do fucking anything for you and you can’t even tell me you love me anymore.”

Matt let out a big sigh, picking at a rip in his jeans absentmindedly. “I do love you, I just… I need some time to myself.”

You scoff, crying now and not trying to stop it. “You don’t think I would’ve given you time? Space? Matt, all you had to say was that you were getting overwhelmed and needed time think about what you wanted, I would’ve understood that. Do you understand the fucking weight behind that? You have a woman who would let you take a step back from a relationship just because she knows how much you value your own space and time and your own autonomy. You will never fucking find a woman that will treat you the way I treat you. You will never find someone who loves you unconditionally through everything, including this. I swear to god, Matt, you better get your act together before you come home to fucking nothing.”

“Maybe that’s what I want!” Matt yells suddenly, getting up from the couch to walk over to you. You weren’t afraid, you knew he’d never hit you, but he’s also never yelled in your face like this either. “Maybe every fucking night I come home hoping you’ve packed up all of your shit and left. Hell, you could pack my shit and I’d be happy, I don’t fucking care, I just want to come home and know that you’ve finally given up on me. Don’t you get it? I’m trying to make it easy for you. I’m trying to be the worst boyfriend I could possibly be and you still won’t leave!”

The moment he’s done speaking you swear you could hear a pin drop. You felt like your world had completely stopped spinning on its axis.

You’re lightheaded as you stare at Matt, tears flowing freely down your face. He really was completely unrecognizable.

“What did I do?” You cried, still wanting nothing more than to feel your boyfriend’s arms wrap around you and tell you everything was going to be okay. But he wouldn’t, and it wasn’t. “Why do you hate me so much?”

Matt listened to your cries with a straight face, barely even seeming like he cared. “I just… don’t want to be with you anymore. Our relationship has run its course.”

You drop your head and let out a broken sob, reaching a hand up to try to wipe away your tears, but it was to no avail, they would just keep coming. “I love you with everything I have, I… I need you, Matt, how could you do this?”

Matt is silent, feeling like he’s already said all he needed to say. If he cared at all, he really didn’t show it.

You pick your head back up and look at Matt, your own eyes red and puffy, when you see it. You think it’s a shadow at first, but the more you stare, the more you realize your eyes aren’t deceiving you. You take a step forward and reach towards Matt, pulling the hood off his head and tugging the collar down, another choked cry falling from your lips.

“Is that a fucking hickey?” You accuse, looking up to meet his eyes. “You’re fucking cheating on me, too?!”

Matt grabs your wrist and pulls it away from him, throwing your arm back towards yourself before pulling his hood back up. “Back the fuck up, dude, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

You laugh in his face, shaking your head in disbelief. “You are so fucking pathetic, Matt,” you spit at him. “You are so much of a pussy that you couldn’t even be a man and break up with me, you needed me to do it for you. Do you feel good about yourself? Knowing you cheated on someone who would literally give you the world? God, I can’t believe I almost gave you a fucking kid, you’re a joke of a partner. I feel bad for anyone that has to deal with you for the rest of their life.”

Matt clenches his jaw tightly at your words, hating how you knew exactly how to strike a nerve with him. “You think I feel good about this? I fucking don’t but I didn’t know what else to do, you would’ve never listened if I tried to leave you, you would’ve talked me into staying and I would’ve been miserable for the rest of my life!”

“You are the one that said you wanted a family! The one that said you wanted to marry me and buy our own farm and live in the middle of fucking nowhere! You said all of those things, not me!” You wanted to hit him so bad. To shake him, to kick him, to do anything to make him see how none of this made sense to you. How could he say all of those things and turn on you so quickly?

You two were laid in bed under the blankets, neither of you ready to get out of bed for the day just yet. The sun shone through the blind, illuminating Matt’s face perfectly, his blue eyes reflecting the light in a way that had you damn near in a trance, unable to pull your own eyes away from him. “I hope our babies have your eyes,” you tell him quietly, both of you laying on your sides to face each other.

He smiled shyly at you, closing his eyes for a moment. “Stop admiring me, it makes me awkward.” He mumbled, making you laugh.

“I’m your girlfriend, I’m supposed to admire you. Plus, it helps that you’re really hot and easy to admire.” You reach up and brush your hands through his hair that definitely needs a trim, pulling it back from his face to get a better view. “I’m serious, though. Your eyes are so pretty compared to mine.”

Matt opens his eyes and shoots you an annoyed look. “Stop it, our kids would be lucky to have any of your features, you’re fucking stunning.”

You giggle and roll over onto your back, staring at the ceiling for a few moments before speaking. “Do you ever think about that? Like what our kids will look like? I think about it all the time. Especially like… a little girl, running around with your bright blue eyes and your big smile. I just know if we had a little girl she’d be so beautiful, Matt.” You turn your head towards your boyfriend to see him already smiling at you.

“I think about it all the time,” he starts, reaching a hand out to rest on your stomach that had been exposed by your shirt riding up, softly trailing his thumb back and forth. “I think about how protective I’d be if we had a daughter, or daughters. I think about how much of an honor it would be to raise a son with you. I think about what would happen if you got pregnant with twins or, god forbid, triplets.” You laugh at this, knowing it would be an absolute shit show. “I think about our kids, sure, but a lot of times I think to myself, ‘wow, if I love her so much now, I can’t imagine how much I’ll love her when she’s the mother of my children.’ That’s what I think.”

Your eyes become glossy and your vision goes slightly blurry as you stare at Matt, seeing the sincerity in his eyes as he spoke to you. “I love you,” you tell him and his face lights up, leaning in to place a small kiss on your lips.

“I love you more.”

“I did,” Matt shrugs his shoulders like it was no big deal. “But feelings change. People change.”

You shake your head angrily, not believing him. “No, not like that. Feelings don’t change like that, Matt. You met somebody else, didn’t you? All this time you’ve been seeing someone else.”

Matt groans, rubbing his eyes harshly. “So what?! It doesn’t matter, we’re over now, right? I’ll sleep on the couch and pack my shit tomorrow, can we just go to bed?”

You sniffle, the truth finally setting in that he’s completely given up and there was no getting him back. The Matt you once loved was gone forever and there was nothing you could do about it.

So you decided to land the final blow and make him realize how stupid he really was.

You grab his right hand with your left, facing it palm up as you reach your free hand into your pocket, grabbing the strip of paper you had kept in there, waiting for the perfect moment to drop this bomb on him. You slap the paper into his open hand before taking a step away, crossing your arms again.

“What is this?” Matt asks, staring down at the photos in front of him, panic setting in his chest. “Babe… babe, what is this?” He looks up at you, eyes wide. You swear you could almost hear his heart pounding.

“It’s an ultrasound, jackass.” You snap at him, completely over his shit.

Matt’s mouth opens, then closes, then opens again, eyes snapping between you and the photos. “You’re… pregnant?” He chokes out. Despite all the alcohol he’s consumed tonight, he feels the most sober he has in weeks, the reality of the situation crashing into him like a truck.

You laugh at his reaction, hating how he suddenly cared about you again. “Was,” you tell him bluntly, shrugging your shoulders like nothing you said mattered. “Turns out never getting any sleep and stressing out over your loser, lowlife boyfriend isn’t good for a baby.”

Matt lets out a huff of air like his lungs had collapsed in on him, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him whole. “You… you were pregnant, and now you’re not?” He asks quietly, his own voice now shaking.

“Yes, Matthew, I was and now I’m not. That’s how that fucking works.” You walk over and snatch the pictures from him, ignoring his pleas of denial. “While you were out doing whatever the fuck or whoever the fuck you wanted, I was here throwing up every day by my fucking self, barely even able to eat oatmeal without getting sick. I was here reading up on how to get through pregnancy or how to be a good mother. I was here shopping for fucking baby clothes and decorations. And I was the one here miscarrying in our bed, by myself!” You have no idea when you started crying again, but you were, and there was no stopping it this time. “I was the one going to doctors appointments and listening to our baby’s teeny tiny heart beating. I was here looking at pictures of her tiny feet and tiny toes, wondering if she’d look like you or like me. I was here picking up the pieces when I found out her teeny tiny heart had stopped.”

Matt’s eyes had filled with tears now, too, his bright blue eyes only made brighter by the reflection of the lamp lit in the corner of the room. “Her?” He croaked, voice failing him. “It was a girl?”

You let out a sob, nodding your head weakly. “I found out the day I found out she was gone,” you cry, voice entering a higher pitch from your throat tightening. “I wanted her so bad, Matt, and I was just waiting for you to come around so I could tell you, and… you just never did and now we’re over. I went from a girl who wanted nothing more than a family with the man she loves to being a girl who’s oddly grateful she lost a baby so she doesn’t have to deal with looking at her daughter that reminds her of the man that broke her heart.”

Matt reaches up to wipe the tears from his cheeks, releasing a shaky breath out. “I’m sorry,” he whimpers, looking you dead in the eyes. “I’m sorry, if I had known-.”

“If you had known then what? You wouldn’t have treated me like shit? You wouldn’t have cheated? That should’ve been the bare fucking minimum, Matt, and now you’ve let down who was supposed to be the two most important girls in your life.” You point your finger at him as you speak, wanting to drive your point home and let him know how badly he had fucked up. “I would’ve done fucking anything for you, including growing your baby, and you threw that away, not me.”

“I was just scared, it was all happening so fast!” Matt wails, reaching out for you. “I got overwhelmed with the thought of settling down and I freaked out, I’m sorry.”

You push his hands away, ignoring his pleas. “You said it yourself, Matt. It’s over. Besides, I can’t bring her back. I’m always going to look at you and remember how you treated me when I had your baby inside me, and how you treated me when I dealt with the loss of our baby.”

Matt sobbed, placing his head in his hands as his shoulder shook. “I didn’t know!”

“You shouldn’t have to know!” You cried, hands flailing in front of you as you spoke, or more yelled. “You shouldn’t have to know I’m pregnant just to treat me like your fucking girlfriend! I would’ve done anything for you, including give up my body for nine months to give you a family, and you couldn’t even be loyal, and you have to live with that for the rest of your fucking life.”

Matt sunk to his knees in front of you, head resting on your stomach as he wraps his arms around your hips. You just stare down at him, your tears dripping into his hair. “I’m so sorry, please let me fix this,” he sobs into your sweater, hands gripping the back of it. “I fucked up so bad, I see that now.”

The sight of him made you want to crumble. You wanted to give in, to comfort him, to forget these last few months and go back to being the perfect happy couple you used to be. You didn’t know how you were supposed to live without him after all this time.

But you deserved better.

“Get up,” you tell him quietly and he turns his head up to look at you, cheeks soaked with his own tears. You reach down and cup his cheek, thumb swiping under his eyes to wipe new tears that fell. “Get up, Matt.”

He sniffles and obliges, standing in front of you once again, closer this time.

“You’re not sorry you hurt me,” you start, voice surprisingly calm. “You’re just sorry it backfired so badly.”

Matt grabs your hand that still rested on his face, holding it close and leaning into it. “Please,” he says, voice raspy. “Can we spend one more night together?”

You break eye contact to drop your eyes to the floor, shoulders shaking with the sob that ripped through your body.

“Yes,” you croak out, immediately melting into the arms that wrapped themselves around you like you’d disappear if he let go, your face tucking into his neck that smelled like cheap floral perfume, the scent feeling like a dagger to your heart.

You ignored it, though. Anything for one more night with the love of your life.

-

taglist

[beanarie]

of course 3/3

1/3

2/3

entire fic on ao3

in which tommy finally admits he should maybe see a therapist.

thanks again to @mooshkat for the original concept

(tw: heart problems, hospitalization, self loathing)

~

Bobby is the next to show up.

"Hi," he says, disconcertingly tall as he stands over Tommy's bed with a small tupperware. "I figured you can't have anything we would normally bring for someone stuck here, but there's this recipe I liked after my heart attack. It's just chickpeas tossed with olive oil and a bit of curry powder."

"That's very thoughtful," Tommy says, touched and confused. He starts tucking in immediately. The food here could be worse, but he never has much appetite when he's unwell. Maybe eating something will make the nurses frown less often. They're very frowny in this unit. Makes sense, as they probably have the highest proportion of deaths in the building, but it's shit for patient morale.

Bobby's still standing, so Tommy tilts his head at the chair and continues eating.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, once Tommy has left the now half-empty container on his tray table.

"Fine? Tired, mostly." Which is probably for the best when the only change of scenery he gets is the regular trips to imaging. All the napping doesn't leave time to develop cabin fever. "You?"

"I'm good. A little concerned."

Shit. So he's just jumping right in. Tommy works on his breathing. "Oh?"

Bobby nods. "Buck is getting released in the next few hours. He'll probably be up here as soon as they hand over the discharge summary."

Tommy doesn't eye the monitors, but he has a brief fantasy about ripping the leads out and smashing everything on the ground. It's been a long time since he's felt this exposed for this long. "That's good."

Bobby puts his hands on the armrests of the chair. "Hen seems to think you don't want to see him, which is interesting since Buck is behaving like you're pretty much back together."

Keep him away. Do it so I don't have to see his face. "I- I'm-"

Bobby looks at him like he's a spooked horse. "I'm not just here for him, okay? I wanna help you get clarity on what you're actually looking for before it blows up in both your faces again."

It's such a brazen offer Tommy can't help but laugh. "You're welcome to try?"

Bobby smiles a little. "Kid's got a heart the size of Alaska, but--or maybe because of it--he's like the La Brea tar pits. Once you're in, that's all she wrote. It's fine, though, great even. If that's your choice."

Tommy tilts his head, reconciling this man with the friendly, new in town captain who had a veil behind his eyes. In the last eight years, everyone at the 118 figured out how to open a vein for each other, and here's Tommy. Out, flying, and only able to meet his own eyes in the mirror half the time. "What if I'm a bomb," he asks. "Or... whatever destroys tar."

"Is that how you want it to be?" Bobby presses gently.

Tommy rubs at the side of his neck. "I'd be a monster and an idiot if I said yes, wouldn't I?"

Bobby spreads his hands. "There's no relationship jail, Tommy. Doesn't matter to me if you're either or both those things. All I ask is that you keep it away from people I care about."

"No. It's-" Tommy shifts his gaze, his vision blurring. "It's not- That's not what I want. But it's not that easy, Bobby."

"Didn't say easy. Didn't even imply it." Bobby moves a box of tissues from the nightstand to the tray table. "You're no stranger to tackling something hard because you thought it would be worth the effort. Maybe give yourself a little credit."

There are oval-shaped bruises in a roughly circular pattern on Evan's forearm, resembling a school of fish. Those weren't there after the crash. Tommy flexes his right hand, which has been stiff and sore for no apparent reason. "I did that," he says.

"Yeah?" Evan frowns in confusion. "You were suffocating. It wasn't on purpose."

It can be an omen if Tommy lets it.

"Tommy?" Evan says.

Omens are stupid. "Hm?"

Evan fidgets with his free hand, pulling at the edge of his sling. "You said of course you love me, like it was easy. Like it was a given. People don't- haven't said it like that."

"How did they say it?"

"Like they were surprised. Like it was the last thing they could've expected."

"I knew it was a possibility the first time I kissed you," Tommy says, tired of choosing between truths.

He looks up. "You did?"

"Evan," Tommy sighs, "you're the fucking sun."

His beautiful eyes widen and get wet at the corners. "I didn't want the first time I said it to be when- when you were dying in my arms." A shadow passes over his features and Tommy's fingers curl, gathering a handful of his blanket. "I wanted- needed to believe that I'd get another chance. I love you, too, Tommy."

Tommy is so grateful this conversation is taking place today, when he's recovered enough to not cause an international incident every time he does anything more stressful than looking at the color green. The specter of the alarm still looms, but he's done okay so far. "I might not have heard you, if you had said it then." Tommy gestures at his chest. "The wheezing, it was very loud."

"You heard some things, though? It felt like you- you were reacting."

"Yes, Evan. You kept me going."

Evan beams. Tommy aches from the inside like someone sprinkled salt in his IV bag.

"I need," he warns, "so much therapy."

Evan shifts forward in his seat, grunting softly in pain. "I can get you some recommendations."

"Of course you can." Tommy smiles.

Evan is inches away, practically falling out of the chair. "Can I touch you?"

"Do you have the slightest idea how many medications I'm on right now?"

He ducks his head and laughs. "You know that's not what I meant."

"Oh, well, show me what you m-"

Evan lays his free hand lightly, ever so lightly, over Tommy's battered heart before leaning forward and pressing their foreheads together. "I'm so proud of you," he whispers. "I asked you not to run, and you stayed."

Right after the alarm goes off, Tommy pulls away just far enough to capture Evan's mouth with his own.

[everpresence]

I was wrong.

over the last few weeks, i started heavily questioning my beliefs.

i noticed that some of my desires came in faster than other desires. some of them (as you may see in my recent posts) took years to reflect, but some of them got reflected so fast at the speed of light.

i’ve been told by various people that there’s usually a time delay for desires to materialize in the 3D, and for some reason, it resonated with me. that’s why i mention it in my answers because i was merely basing it off of my own experiences with the law.

but something clicked for me recently. i watched a video by missy renee, about why people haven’t seen their manifestations for years. i’m just going to put it out there that you don’t need to pay for coaching. there are a lot of manifesting coaches that don’t know what they’re talking about, and when you read source, it’s a lot more telling. missy renee is not one of those coaches. she has read source and has even applied those teachings into her life. if i have to recommend a coach for you to watch, though, it would be her.

anyways, there was a line that she said that i immediately wrote down because it caused so much confusion in me. basically, she said that the reason why we have yet to see things come to pass is because we are still identifying with our old beliefs — our old story — and due to this, we become double-minded. this double-mindedness is then perceived as the “time delay.”

in that moment, i slowly leaned back in my chair. it was an “a-ha” moment for me, but it was also a little harrowing.

how long have i held myself back from just accepting that i am the person that i wanted to be? how long have i been limiting myself, telling myself the old story over and over again like a broken record? more importantly, i’ve been telling other people that there is such thing as a “time delay” because i decided that i should experience the delay.

so when i wrote a list and just allowed my higher self to figure it out, some of them came in so fucking fast at the speed of light. it stunned me. that’s when i realized that i was holding a false belief.

i never thought that i’d be writing an apology post, but here i am. i’m holding myself accountable because i was the one that wrote that there is such thing as a “time delay,” but in reality, there isn’t. sure, you don’t have to be pitch perfect with your beliefs, but when this desire has no conflict with your beliefs — when you have no resistance, when you aren’t arguing with yourself about whether you have it or not — then there’s no delay.

i remember some people said that it should not take more than thirty days, and i used to think that it’s bullshit, but now i can clearly see that there is a reason why they believe this. it’s not even about the length of time, but about how frequent you return to the state. it’s all about you accepting that the person you want to be is who you are now.

besides that, i want this post to be a reminder that everyone’s beliefs are constantly changing. there is always going to be expansion, growth, an inevitable withering of the old beliefs and the blossoming of new beliefs the more we learn about how this all works. this is why i want people to go back to reading source, to not always take everyone’s posts as “truth” or “the gospel” because we are all still learning in the end. learning never ends.

edit: i don't mean to say all this for you to start focusing on the physical reality as your primary reality. i still wholeheartedly believe that this is merely a reflection of your beliefs, and ultimately, it is all about who you are choosing to be right now despite what it looks like.

[darka-3363]

A fic idea where Stan has never told Ford that he now technically has 3 professor titles and a ride or die arch nemesis in theoretical physics Stanley has acquired by accident 15 years ago and has been in bloody theoretical feud ever since, and that he kept up even after Ford has come back.

He has come clean about his actual identity to that arch nemesis sometime during early 2000s, but asked him not to blow his cover, to which his nemesis was like: you can even be a blue man on the moon for all that I care, now explain what do you mean about your paper on string theory—

Additional points if the nemesis is affiliated with West Coast Tech, and even more if he defends Stanley's theories and papers when talking with his colleagues while simultaneously being his nr 1 enemy (academically speaking).

And Ford only learns about it when he notices a very thick letter on the table addressed specifically to Stanley and not to him, the twins who got the letter from the postman are just as confused, and when Stan comes out for his break, he's all like "oh a letter from Johnny? Finally, I've been waiting for it forever ever since he called."

Mabel: What's in it what's in it?!

Stan: Nothing you'll be interested in pumpkin, just some new paper about gravitational waves. Apparently they're finally working out the details of making the machine that might actually detect 'em.

Stanford assumes Stanley's lying just because, little does he know that Stan was actually 100% honest, and he forgets about the whole thing until after weirdmaggeddon, when they're sailing on Stan-O-War II, and Stanley's phone starts suddenly playing AC/DC 'T.N.T.' while he's busy outside with the fishing net, and Stan shouts at him to take it, he'll be there in a few.

Ford: Uh, hello?

Johnny: STANLEY! YOU NEED TO ELABORATE ON THE ENTROPY CALCULATIONS IMMEDIATELY!

Ford: Uhh... Stanley's busy right now.

Johnny: You know, your excuses are usually much better than pretending you are not you.

But before Ford can explain the situation, Stanley gets into the cabin, gets the phone from Stanford, and starts talking in scientific jargon so fast that Ford can barely even understand what they're talking about, and this is the moment he realizes two very important things

1) Stan wasn't lying about getting a paper about gravitational waves

2) Holy shit Stanley actually seems to know what he's talking about

3) And Stanford doesn't know what they're talking about since some of the terminology has changed during the 30 years he's been away, new discoveries were also made and holy fuck he needs to catch up asap

[twooftheluckyones]

Heads or Tails. Woo hoo! 300 followers! Thank you all so much. As always I like to remind that our ask box is open for silly prompts or drawing requests. GET IN THERE! But we got something else for y'all! Lore dump? Lore dump! We wanted to yap off about how our Narinder and Una's powers work in our AU, but this requires a bit of context in how gods work in general. A god is a sum of its devotion, the raw power poured into it by the will of mortals. Much like a fire, devotion can be as simple as a candle or as raging as a bonfire. A god channels their devotion through a Conduit Crown, which allows them to manipulate the universe. These powers are basic at first, but eventually form themselves into a Domain, or an area of expertise and control a god has. For example: Heket controlled Famine, and in it both hunger and feast. Shamrua, a more aged god, had a wider domain of both War and Peace but also Knowledge and Unawareness. Originally, Narinder was the god of Death, raised by Shamura to blend with the shadows and assassinate rival gods, but his hunger for a larger domain led to his family fearing his rise to power and thus his imprisonment. When Una was given the red crown, she channeled Narinder's energy through herself. She was not a god, simply a vessel, a mortal given the power but not truly the one commanding it or being worshiped. However, as time went on, her followers began to slowly worship her instead. It wasn't by their own choice, mind you. She preached the gospel of the red crown, but mortals saw her feed them, shelter them, and protect them. Its difficult to praise a god you've never met while the one who saved you from being sacrificed is right there cooking soup for the cult. Thus she began to form her own godhood, as mentioned in part one. Her domain was Fortune and change, as she was both quite the lucky lamb and the harbinger of a new era. Lucky to be the last one found. Lucky to be saved by the god of death. Lucky to always get good dice in knucklebones. Narinder could sense this, but his fondness for her and the promise of freedom allowed him to ignore it. A problem that would eventually solve itself. Except it didn't. When fate came to be and their blades met, Una triumphed against Narinder and stripped him of his godhood. But she didn't want to. She had always wanted to rule by Narinder's side, and be his most loyal follower forever. A dream kept deep in her heart from the first days of her revenge, even if it was impossible from the start. So in the apex of battle, when the swirling energy of destiny filled her blade, Una's raging power changed things without her even realizing. A crown cannot lie on sit upon two brows, but a throne can be wide enough for two to share. And with a fateful bargain, a new crown allows them to rule side by side, intertwined as their roles combined. Post ascension, Narinder's old power now belongs to both of them, though each still has a unique domain. Una still controls fortune, ranging from anything to getting lucky in a card game to bumping into your soulmate by pure coincidence, but her power also alludes to growth. Her power manifests as intense bursts of energy, lightning that strikes hard and fast leaving opponents nothing but ash. Narinder's power still pertains to death, but now his domain is Decay and Misfortune. Stubbing your toe, getting rained on, and so many worse fates. His power forms as inky blobs of wispy shadow, corrosive and consuming. Powerful in their own right, their strength only grows when they come together. When life and death meld, their ability carries the strength to change almost anything they desire, if the bickering pair can agree on it. They exist together now, united as gods for eternity.

[crushpunky]

girlfriend!reader has something to tell rafe

masterlist

warning: mentions of pregnancy, nausea/sickness/vomiting, depression/anxiety… yeah i know it’s a lot

Y/n already knew what the test was going to say before she even looked.

Positive.

With a deep sigh, she placed the piece of plastic onto the bathroom counter next to the other tests she had taken, all positive. Y/n ran a hand through her hair, pulling her legs into her chest, hugging her body tightly as tears slowly fell down her cheeks.

The anxiety had started a week ago, when she had awoken to what felt like a weight crushing her chest and a storm brewing in her stomach. Other than the occasional run to the bathroom to vomit, no matter how much she tried to do anything, she just couldn’t. Her motivation was completely diminished, replaced with a dull ache that refused to disappear. Rafe had noticed, doing everything in his power to help her, and he had helped; getting her anti-nausea medication and making her her favorite food. But still, something was off… which led her to where she was now, crying on the floor of their bathroom. Pregnant.

Pulling herself to her feet, y/n gripped onto the counter and peered down at the pregnancy tests. Thoughts raced through her mind, thousands of questions and concerns burrowing themselves deeper and deeper until her solemn tears turned into sobs that shook her entire body. As much as she loved Rafe, and wanted a future together, she was completely and utterly terrified. What if this set him off, forcing him back into old habits? What if she didn’t want this and he did, causing him to hate her forever? What if—

Y/n wiped her cheeks, inhaling sharply as she tried her hardest to will the anxiety overtaking her mind away. She could sit here all day, allowing these things to get the best of her, or she could figure out some answers… answers that could destroy everything she and Rafe had worked so hard to build. So, y/n did the hardest thing she had ever done: she grabbed the tests and walked down the stairs until she ended up in front of Rafe’s office.

Through the glass doors she could see Rafe focused on the monitors in front of him, biting his lip as his eyes scanned across the computer. Swallowing harshly, y/n raised her hand to the glass and knocked, drawing Rafe’s attention away from his work. At the sight of her, his lips twisted into a smile, waving her into his office.

“Hey, baby.” Rafe greeted as she opened the door, hesitantly walking into Rafe’s office. As she came closer and he noticed y/n’s tear stained cheeks, the smile on Rafe’s lips quickly fell. He pushed away from his desk, turning to face her entirely as she came to a stop between his legs, her hands clasping the test behind her back. Rafe’s hands fell at her thighs, his fingers tracing lightly along the bottom of her shorts.

“I need to tell you something.” Y/n whispered, not trusting her voice not to crack if she tried to speak any louder. Rafe straightened, his eyes wide as he stared up at her. He knew this past week had been difficult for her, his heart breaking every time he saw the same saddened expression on her face.

“Yeah?” Rafe said, his hands slowing to rest against y/n’s skin. Squeezing her eyes tightly, y/n brought her hands out from behind her back, revealing the piece of plastic that could change her life. The world fell silent for a second before y/n slowly opened her eyes. Rafe looked at the test, his mouth falling agape. Thousands of thoughts raced through his mind, wrapping around his heart and squeezing tightly.

“You’re… you’re pregnant.” Rafe whispered, swallowing harshly. They had always talked about the future, about a house, a dog, a wedding… a family, but now those questions all became so real. 

Rafe had always wondered if he could be a father. He wasn’t sure he would do a good job at it, having a pretty shitty example to build off of, but he wondered if he could do it; if he could love someone as much as he loved y/n, doing anything and everything for someone else that was a part of him and a part of the person he loved more than anything else in the world… but as y/n stood in front of him, her hands trembling as she held the test, he knew he’d do anything she wished. Anything she asked of him, any fear of his own or worry in his head he would have to face, he would do it if that meant she could be ok.

“I’m so scared.” Y/n sobbed, her knees buckling as she fell to the ground. Rafe pulled her into his chest, his arms wrapping around her as she sook with each sob.

“Hey, hey,” Rafe said, gently lifting y/n’s head to look at him, “I’ve got you, a’ight? I’m not fuckin’ leaving you. Ever. I love you and we’ll figure this out.”

Y/n bottom lip trembled before she hugged Rafe again, her sobs dwindling out to the occasional sniffle. With a deep breath, she faced him once more, his blue eyes a steady support as he waited for her to speak.

“I… I know we’ve talked a bit about the future but… Rafe, I want to have a family with you,” Y/n sighed. “And I know we’re still young and we’re not married but… I want that with you.”

Rafe smiled, his cheeks red as he ran his thumb along the curve of y/n’s jaw. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, smoothing her hair back as his eyes scanned over the woman in front of him. The woman who was there for him at his lowest, who saw the best in him, and loved him, truly loved him.

“I want that too, baby. All of it.” Rafe said with a laugh, a smile spreading across y/n’s cheeks. The two of them grinned at each other, the fear and questions dissipating as they recognized the love they shared that would allow them to get through this. Through anything.

“We’re gonna have a baby.” Rafe whispered, his eyes beginning to water; not because of fear or worry, but because of visions of a little version of y/n and him swam through his mind.

“We’re gonna have a baby.” Y/n laughed, to which Rafe wrapped his arms around her, lifting her in his arms as he stood in his office. He spun around, the two of them giggling in each other's embrace.

“We’re having a baby!” Rafe shouted before setting y/n back down her feet gently. Cupping her jaw, he pressed his lips to hers, the two of them smiling against each other. Even though their future was still uncertain, they knew one thing would remain: the love they had for each other… and the love they already had for their baby.

[yamumsyadadd]

the forgotten girl (1)

posted this originally on my old account. will be posting twice weekly :)

Emily Scott, sister of legendary lionesses Jill Scott, has died at the age of 21. Wife Amelia Scott-Higgins in intensive care. 

Police have confirmed that Emily Scott was murdered in her family home over the weekend, her wife, Matilda’s star Amelia Scott-Higgins is in intensive care after sustaining life threatening injuries. 

Waking up in a hospital bed, wrapped in bandages and in heaps of pain was not exactly how I expected my day to go but here we are. I don’t remember much. I remember going home after training, I stopped to get dinner, chicken carbonara and garlic bread from our favourite Italian restaurant and then flowers from the corner stand that Emily was obsessed with. I was already late so who cares if I was a little extra late. 

I remember the front gate being open, which is never normally the case, I remember the front door being unlocked but closed, again not normal but sometimes Em is in a rush when she gets home. As I took my shoes and coat off and wandered down the hallway, I didn’t notice the guy standing behind the door, or the guy on the couch, or Emily in the back room tied to a chair. I didn’t notice any of it. The only thing I noticed before it went black was the two wine glasses, one tipped over and smashed, the other full. 

Chelsea FC superstar, Amelia Scott-Higgins has QUIT mid season. 

CLICK TO READ MORE….

Where is football superstar Amelia Scott-Higgins?

Moving to Barcelona was the best thing I could’ve done. No one knows me,no one knows what happened or who Emily was. I am invisible. As soon as I could, I quit, left England, deleted all my social media and changed my number. 

The rehab was incredibly hard. That’s to be expected considering I have multiple stab wounds to my stomach, my leg cut up, bruises covering every part of my body. I was still me though. Maybe not on the surface but deep down I was. I missed Emily everyday, I missed our life together, I miss the little things. 

My apartment was empty. Nothing on the walls, plain furniture, it looked more like a show house than something someone would actually lived in. It didn’t bother me, it made my brain have to work less. All I did was rehab, surf and doom scroll. I came across the Manuelas instagram page, a gay bar in Barcelona. From what I’ve heard it’s incredibly popular but I’ve never been. They had a shirt available, “lesbian services”, after inquiring they allowed for me to pick it up. 

I was meeting someone called Olga, slightly worried as I had no idea who she was, I let it play out. 

“Hola! Are you Amelia?” 

“Hola, yes I am.” 

“Perfect! I’m Olga! Let me take you inside and you can get whatever you want. They said you’ve paid so you can get anything.” 

Stickers, hats, shirts, they had it all. I grabbed one of everything and then had a chat with Olga. 

“You’re not around here are you? Your Catalan and Spanish is good but the accent is a bit weird.” 

“Oh nah. I’m Australian. Lived in London for a few years but I’m here now.” 

“Oh wow! How long have you lived here?”

“3 years now. It’s beautiful. I don’t get out much but I’m trying to get out more.”

“What do you do for work? If you don’t mind me asking?” 

“Uh um, I used to play -“ 

“Amelia? Is that you?” Keira Walsh and Lucy Bronze. Right in front of me. I haven’t seen them for 3 years, purposely ignoring all of them and essentially falling off the face of the earth. 

“Amelia! What are you doing here? Give me a hug!” 

“Hey guys. Long time so see.” This is not what I wanted. More and more people started surrounding us. 

“Holy shit. That’s Amelia Scott-Higgins! She’s been MIA for so long. I miss watching her” the short one with dimples tried to whisper, it didn’t work. 

“Dude she used to be so good. What happened?” Her taller companion asked next. 

“That’s enough you two. She has ears and can hear you idiots.” Alexia Putellas. 2 time Ballon d’or and 2 time pain in my ass. “Hola Amelia. How are you?” 

“Fine thanks Alexia. And you?” 

“How do you all know each other? I am very confused here.” Olga spoke up. 

“Mil used to play for-“ Alexia started to say

“We are old friends!” This is why I don’t leave my house. 

“I need to go. I have things to do. Olga thank you so much for all this. If I owe any money let me know. Alexia, girls, it was nice to see you. Good luck this season.” Turning as quickly as I could to escape. 

“Milly, wait.”

“Kei, don’t. I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

“Please can I have your number or something? It’s been 3 years and you disappeared.” 

“Give me your phone and I’ll put it in. I’m not good at replying. Bye Kei.” 

3 years since I stepped foot in England, 3 years since I buried my wife. 3 years since I’d spoken to my friends. 4 years since Emily died. 4 years since I played football, 4 years since I felt normal. 

[derpydoteddrake]

Viktor is under some kind of influence, but at first glance it's hard to tell the exact nature of it.

But I believe its more simple than one would think.

The core is basically jingling keys in front of him and telling him to look at them.

But I believe its more simple than one would think.

The core is basically jingling keys in front of him and telling him to look at them.

Firstly, why is the sky hallucination sus? could it just be his own mind?

Her guiding him to her book and later showing up next to the shimmer addict could be explained as just his conscious.

However, he also woke up to her screams and it was her voice that guided him to the addicts, both things go beyond what could manifest only from his own perception of things.

Not only that, this is the exact place where he later cocoons himself again. So it's no accident he ended up here.

It's also good to note how Viktors saw her differently then how she was, he sees him as a more idolised version of herself, which is als a good indication that she is not real.

But then in act 2 she appeals completely harmless, she doesn't push him into anything, and it looks like she offers some sense of emotional support.

And that's the point, it's feeding into viktors weaknesses as a person, all it needs to do, is give him the illusion of company, and keep him in his head.

Viktor was always a loner, but he also seeked out second opinions and he was in fact very lonely and wished for company.

This is exactly what the core is giving him the illusion of. A second opinion and company.

By herself “sky” does not offer any new information to viktor, she is either stathing things he is already aware of, things viktor thinks she would say, or reassures him.

“She liked me, she would be concerned about me!”

“I remember telling her that once!”

“She was caring, she would be upset at someone's death!”

In fact, it might even try to distract him from the important things, we don't see a lot of it, but the moment Viktor starts to wonder what's up with Jayce, she attempts to move his thoughts elsewhere from thinking about what is wrong with him.

Viktors perception of the world is fundamentally changed, this is already pretty isolating but now he has a mind buddy! He's Not alone anymore, there's someone who talks to him, who cares about him, who he can share ideas with,

someone who loves him.

I'm going to concede, I do think their relationship has a romantic undertone, if for nothing else it's because viktors perception of sky is pretty heavily defined by her love letters to him.

Regardless of your reading (how much do you think he reciprocates that), it is giving him the company he wished for.

Why is that bad?

It's because it keeps him docile, and so far up his own 4ss that he doesn't realise how messed up what he is actually doing is. He is stuck with his own regurgitated thoughts.

The only thing he ever gets is reassurance that what he is doing is in fact good, he doesn't have an outside perspective on what's happening with him or around him.

He doesn't have the head space to self reflect cuz something always chimes in, always keeps him thinking, solving problems, solving puzzles.

We never once saw him actively trying to talk to any of his followers, the only people who he does are not affected by him, and come to him directly, he didn't even bother seeking out Jayce himself.

The only way he communicates with them is when he wants to do his creepy puppet thing and if the only thing left in his followers head is gratitude towards him and he never examines what it did to them as people, no wonder he doesn't notice a thing.

He just unquestionably spreads the core's influence.

No wonder the first awful idea anyone gave him in who knows how long that isn't his own stuck with him.

He always had a tendency to get sucked into his work and dont bother with people (ironically that is one of the reasons sky got dusted) and don't bother with anything else, and now the conditions are orchestrated for this to basically keep him in his own head.

He doesn't really care about his followers either, he watched one of them get smashed and didn't give a damn.

He doesn't care for them as people, they are more akin to problems he can solve and move on. He was barely even bothered about Jayce's condition, probably assuming he will come to him and he can fix him right away.

We can see this in his visions of how he conceptualizes himself, he looks very human, and yet he got these unsettling yellow eyes. He is blind to the ways he changed, just look at how he acts in them.

At first glance he appears a lot more emotive and it also tells us that he is fairly enjoying himself and his new perception of the world but also the main thing we see of him is his endless curiosity about things, not his empathy towards them.

He is well meaning of course, but he doesn't/cant reflect enough to see what he is really doing. Namely taking away the things he saw in these people, their dreams.

And he constantly has problems to solve, we saw how many people went to him, he always has something to think about, and he always has someone to talk to about it without needing to waste precious time on seeking out a second opinion.

In s1 he barely reacted to the beginning of a civil war going around him, now people depend on him and in the middle of a civil war he doesn't have any way of protecting these people.

He barely gives a damn about him slowly deteriorating. He doesn't live in reality anymore. He cannot see the forest for the trees. (though he might have had some plans we don't know of, since Salo was gathering materials for him.)

And his guilt just amplifies this.

From s1 one of his strongest traits was how much he believed if he gets the right tools, and the opportunity, he can help people.

“Do you think my life ambition is to be an assistant?”

“If you are going to change the world don't ask for permission.”

“All I did was believe in myself.”

This is what skys death puts into question.

This is why he almost jumped afterwards, this fundamental belief in himself was put into question. He got the chance to do what he wanted and someone died.

This is where his guilt comes into play, he isn't making his own dream a reality, we saw that what he really wanted is to give people tools that they can use to create, but that's not what he is doing.

He is doing what he believes Skye's dream was.

It doesn't even look like he invents things anymore, he just mostly uses his powers and studies botanics. (tho we saw Salo steal some stuff for him so he might have some plans that we don't know yet?)

This is even the context he brought her up to jayce: she had such dreams.

From her notes we can assume she hoped to help make a zaun that is cleaner and more connected to nature.

This is the reason why he is so receptive to skyes positive affirmation, its because in his head he is correcting his wrong, her affirmation and forgiveness gave him back the belief that he can still do good.

Now he has the right tools and the opportunity to do it, so he won't fail again.

He is literally wearing her symbol on his clothes.

He is doing this out of some kind of repentance for his sins.

So the way he sees it: he is helping these people, who on they own free will just happen to stay here cuz its nice and he conveniently can puppet them if needed, he doesn't question that cuz he never bothers to talk to them and skys happy and she talks to him so why bother when no one sees the world like he does.

What he doesn't realise is that he is pretty much meant to die there.

There's a reason why his palace was builded here, he literally got told to build it there. It was there so he could die and cocoon himself again.

When he first saw jayce and encountered the singularity, he was literally describing himself.

“self annihilating and replicating” That's him, this entity is connected to him, he is meant to die and be reborn over and over again. He might not completely embody it yet, but he is a product of it. (and he will probably gonna try to harness it, that's what the beginning of ep 6 set up.)

I don't think he expected jayce to shoot him, when he saw what he was going to do he looked pretty shocked, but he was intentionally kept docile by the core basically guaranteeing that even actually he will die out.

And then he had the audacity to conclude it must have happened cuz people just suck.

He tried nothing to prevent this and he is already out of options.

To his defense he was probably really lost in the sauce at this point.

This is also why he was making his following, he was supposed to draw power from them after he dies so he can be reborn again.

This also means that singed and ambessa are probably interfering with this process.

It would explain why he looks so wrong in the poster.

In conclusion, the core keeps Viktor in a mind state where he is docile enough not to question what's happening around him using his already existing flaws against him in order to spread itself.

One last thing I would like to add is that I don't think this will be his final transformation, I believe the final one will either happen at the top of the hex gate or at the bottom of it.

[1920sladydectective]

Two Steps Forward, One Forest Back 2.8K

This is for @kkatsukiswife who had an awesome idea and let me write it! I hope it fulfils your expectations, it's a little longer than I'd intended.

Head of Medarda Oil Corp, Ambessa is exhausted by the silly environmental scientist who keeps ruining her expansion. There's only one way to fix that.

Cross posted to AO3

MINORS DNI

Warnings: Degradation, Tipsy Sex, Exhibitionism and Dumbification kinda, Choking, Bathroom Sex, mentions of bondage

This is NOT proofread cause fuck that:

It had only been three months and yet every moment spent working for the Medarda corporation seemed to shave years off of your life. 

You had gone in so rosy eyed, certain you would be changing the future for the better, making a huge environmental impact, finally able to regulate and report the bastards rotting the world. Your boss, manipulative asshole that she was, had basically promised as much. Instead you sat in opulent boardrooms, battling the wolves as they attempted to turn the world to ash and profit margins. 

CEO Ambessa Medarda was the worst to deal with, her children at least seemed to possess half a conscience. She, however, stared across the mahogany table and tried to devour your soul. It started as small things, not reading your reports before shareholder meetings, or perhaps misquoting some of your numbers. Easily corrected, if you could stand the dark gaze she’d send your way. 

“Of course,” She’d simper, “Thank you for that, my Dear,” 

Soon it became more outrageous, your body flooding with cortisol at every new email you received. Their drilling sight was in a forest, though if you were to point that out she would remind you it was well within the guidelines of oil drilling near wildlife and flora. Well within was a handful of metres, as close as they could have gotten, and every time your numbers remind you of that you have to do a meditative breathing exercise. This wasn’t enough for Ambessa though, there was more just within the treeline and her recent campaign had made it clear she wanted it regardless of the consequences. 

Meeting Four - 24th August 2024 - Recorded Minutes 

AM - Surely a matter of inches will make no impact, gentlemen, and look at the margin of profit. Nobody else has been able to secure a site like this, it would be sellable at an astounding premium. 

ES - Nobody has secured that sort of site for a reason, Mrs Medarda. The havoc it would cause to the local ecosystem is immense, and it is illegal for that reason. 

AM - Not illegal per new legislation, just heavily regulated. 

ES - Do you have any proposals to help you meet those regulations? I seem to be looking at stocks and traders and very little else. 

AM - All in due time

ES - Due time is now Mrs Medarda

You could still feel the air being sucked from the room. It was as bold as you had gotten so far, and her crimson smirk seemed to ward you off of doing it again. The day after the meeting, none of your alarms had gone off, your expensive eco-friendly coffee machine broke and your company key-card stopped working. It had to be a coincidence, but you had been looking over your shoulder ever since. 

Ambessa lingered like a shark who could smell blood. Her beautiful, towering form monitoring your every move. Sometimes, in the quiet early morning it would be only you and her in the building. Her scent seemed to linger, heady and sharp, her sparkling eyes and sarcastic smiles hyper focused on you. It was heavy, such attention, especially when a deep, villainous part of your soul would remind you that she was just your type. Imposing, commanding, insanely muscular. Had you seen her on the streets your mouth would have watered. She couldn’t know that though. Never, ever. She was flirtatious enough when she thought you had no interest, she’d rip your moral compass to shreds if she got a taste of your inner turmoil. She wanted to eat you and you would not let her. 

Her voice, melodic and low, was suddenly in your ear. For Fuck Sake.

“Another eighty nine page legal document in my inbox, darling,” She was so close, so close you twitched, “You really are ensuring the best for our company,” 

“Wouldn’t want you to rush into any development decisions without knowing all the facts,” You said, raising an eyebrow with a shrug, “Bad for business,”

“You’d know all about being bad for business,” She said alluringly, sharp teeth glinting behind her lips, making you gulp slightly. 

She walked away with no other words, her hips swaying impossibly slowly as she took long purposeful strides. You almost groaned, downing cold, bitter coffee beans. This job was going to kill you. 

Days passed in a blur, each one filled with heavy looks and cutting remarks. Each day she moved three steps forward and you pushed her four back. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you thought she’d throttle you against the wall for all to see. 

One day she did. 

You were gasping, body trembling, as she held you against the boardroom table by your throat, fingers trailing your inner thighs. Her gruff voice was taunting you, teasing your aching core as she squeezed your neck just enough for your vision to blur. She had had enough of your interference, showing you how weak you truly were. 

“You’d know all about being bad for business,” She mocked, licking your hard clit. 

There was nothing you could do but submit, babbling and grunting as she finally gave you the touch you craved. Her name fell from your lips in a perverse prayer, wanton and airy. 

You were so close, she could tell, eyes glossy as you thrust into her touch. Your orgasm ripped through you, making you scream. 

Neon numbers glimmered. 3:14AM. 

You’d just had a sex dream about your corrupt oil baron boss, real enough to dampen your sheets. Your body ached and against better judgement you reached into your nightstand, vibrator wiping your mind of all thoughts until you cummed yourself back to sleep. 

As the morning beckoned, so did your crippling, sticky guilt. You couldn’t keep going on like this, you had to get it out of your system and not by having graphic dreams about Ambessa Fucking Medarda. There was only one thing for it, you would have to get drunk at the artsy lesbian bar downtown and fuck a random stranger. Obviously. 

You felt good. Your hair had styled just right, your make up hadn’t made you screech irritatedly at your cat and for once heels didn’t feel awful. This was going well. You were going to get some. Or something. 

The bar was packed, full of swaying hips and swishing hair as you creeped your way to the bar. Cocktails were on offer, dangerous and delicious as you sat swinging your legs on a barstool. Music had you swaying in time, downing drink after drink as you fluttered your eyelashes at every pretty girl who glanced your way. You’d never been too good at the chase, but you were desperate enough to try. 

Dancing was freeing, body moving of its own accord as you twirled in circles and gripped strangers arms, moving fast and close together. Everything felt naturally fuzzy, light and right, exactly as you’d needed. She hadn’t even crossed your mi-

Ambessa stood tall, leaving lazily against the bar as a drunken brunette tried to chat her up. She was sweet enough, giggly and open, relishing in any attention she gave her. She wasn’t quite right though, Ambessa sighed, her parameters were incredibly specific tonight. Almost impossibly so and yet. There you were, tipsy yourself clearly, dancing in the arms of a short blonde woman. Ambessa’s lips curled into a devious grin, waiting patiently for you to catch her eye. 

No. Just no. 

Your gaze was stuck to hers, a magnet pulling you in as your mind swirled. She looked perfect, the confines of the business world had melted away to reveal raw sex appeal. Her muscles seemed larger, clearer as her shirt and trousers clung to her. Her thighs were too delicious, her gold make up adding a shimmer to her dark eyes. You faintly felt the blonde woman’s hands on your hips as you moved, mind full of cotton. Ambessa raised her glass, tilting it towards you mockingly, her grin eating at you. 

Want. Need. All consumin- No. Enough. Goodbye Ambessa. 

Your burning form turned away from her, extracting yourself from the dance and looping the long way back to the other side of the bar, hidden from Ambessa’s position. Downing a tequila shot, you grunted. Your plan was fucked and you needed to leave here as soon as possible, but she was right by the exit. Panicked, you slipped into the bathroom, fingers gripping the art deco sink for life as you huffed. You looked as good as you had when you left home and yet you felt a state, lips puffy and hair seemingly unkempt. 

Click

“Hello there, darling,” Ambessa’s honeyed voice echoed in the tiny bathroom as she locked the main door, “Fancy seeing you here,” 

Your mouth dried, her beauty almost stifling this close, “Mrs Medarda,”

“We’re in a gay bar Dear, you can call me Ambessa,” She snorted, stepping to rest just to your right. She was circling you in her head, your body the sweetest prey she could hope to hunt. 

“Ambessa,” You repeated, unsure, “What do you want?” 

She laughed almost pityingly, it was seductive, frustrating, just like the rest of her as she murmured your name. 

“Me?” Heat burns in your gut, making you cramp with need, the alcohol in your blood no match for the warmth of lust. 

“Of course,” Her hand cupped your chin, forcing you to hold her gaze, “I’ve always wanted you, you must know you drive me to distraction,”

It seemed unlikely, her distracted by anything, but it was such an arousing, tempting thought. Your mouth lulled open in a small gasp, her fingers tickling against your neck. You were done for, mind melting down between your legs the longer she looked at you. It felt like she could sense it, her other hand bending you slightly as your hands scrambled to lie against the ornate mirror so that you could steady yourself, stomach now against the sink. 

“What?” You stammered, as she sank to the floor, strong elbows nudging your legs apart. 

“You’re not naive, pretty girl,” She breathed, her words dancing across your bare thighs, “You’ve got too many brains in your soft head for that,” 

It was odd to be complimented by her, especially for your intelligence. It made you feel proud and happy. Her praise was immediately addictive, spilling forth from blood red lips as she kissed and nipped at your skin. Each word a nail in the coffin of your demise, each kiss a moment longer being drowned by her. You were stuck, and as you caught your own hazy, tipsy expression in the mirror you giggled. Oops. 

Ambessa rewarded your giggle with a lick against your clothed cunt, her tongue flat and slow. Everything went silent for a moment as you bucked against her grip, whining. 

“Good girl,” She hummed, “Soaked for me,” 

“God,” you slurred, she had you desperate and aching. 

“We can make that my name if you like,” She muttered mockingly, pushing aside your lacy underwear and lapping at your drenched hole. Her touch was considerate, fast and calculated as you huffed and sighed. Her strong hands gripped your hips, rocking you against the basin as she fucked you mercilessly with her tongue. She could feel the dwindling hesitance in you, the desire to submit held back by weak moral strings. It was okay, she thought, she’d snap those as you came into her mouth. 

Her goal was simple, make you an empty headed doll for her to ruin, mark and stuff you until you finally understood how to respect her. Then she might actually get somewhere. You were in your own world of pleasure, following her movements as you trembled and burned. It felt so good, better than any dream could have been. 

Your orgasm was close, taunting you and making your vision dance with pretty white stars. Some weak, nearly dead part of you wanted to resist it, to uphold some control. She didn’t own you. Not yet at least. The resistance was too late however, as thick, calloused fingers teased and stretched your cunt out of nowhere, just as she sucked your hard clit into her wet, perfect mouth. Your mind and morals shattered like pretty iridescent glass. 

“Fuck,” You cried against the mirror, eyes rolling into your head, “Shit fuck,” 

“That’s my slut,” Ambessa said, savouring the sloppy liquid dripping down your thighs. 

The nickname surprised and confused you, heavy head looking down at her. 

“What else could you be?” She said commandingly, sucking her fingers dry as your eyes glazed, “You’re so good for me, taking what I give you, like a whore would,” 

You nodded, legs trembling. You did want to take it. Take it all. Whatever she said. It almost made you feel drunker, though the tequila had long since floated through you now. 

“If I had known it would be this easy to make you pliant and soft,” She muttered huskily, words touching your ear as she stood, “I’d have bent you over my desk weeks ago, Little girl,” 

That enough made a small orgasm flutter out, your chest heaving as stared into her eyes in the reflection. Her hand slapped against your wet pussy, making you smile as you blew a little kiss her way. 

Ambessa snorted, smoothing over your slightly sweaty hairline. You were so pretty, even better now you were hers. 

“Watch yourself,” She muttered hypnotically, “In the mirror,” 

You hummed, glancing at yourself. She was pretty to stare at but you didn’t want to make her unhappy. Suddenly, it felt as though you were being lifted above the ground slightly, her strong arm holding you as she stuffed three fingers into you. 

The stretch burned, making you snarl slightly as she made you whole. That was how it felt. Complete and perfect, as the look of your clouded, slutty face made you hornier. You loved how she made you look, how she made you feel, obscene slapping sounds filling the bathroom. 

A light shove against the door, your moan choking in your throat as exhilaration at being quite suffocated you. 

“Oh,” A distant drunken sigh, “This bathroom’s closed for repairs, let’s try the other,” 

Ambessa bit your neck, sucking at your sweet spot, as she felt you clench and gush at the sound of voices, “You like that, Good girl? The thought of them knowing a horny mess is being fucked into oblivious in a random bar?”

You nodded, neck aching with the force as you continued to stare at yourself. Any time your gaze drifted to her she would stop dead, eyes dark. After the second time it nearly killed you and you forced yourself to meet your drooling expression. Ambessa seemed intent on sending you over the edge, thinking she had all of you but your longing voice proved her wrong. 

“My throat,” You moaned, “Need you to c-crush it, like my,” a desperate whine, “like my dreams,” 

Ambessa felt herself black out slightly at your request, your whimpering and begging making her own cunt twitch wantonly. She dropped your feet back onto the navy tile, hand wrapping around your neck with measured pressure. The change was immediate, your body no longer tense and twitching, but limp like the doll she’d dreamed off. You took her relentless thrusts, effortlessly, as she made your blood rush and pulse in her ears. Air wasn’t necessary unless she gave it to you, tongue lolling out of your mouth. You came as suddenly as last time, losing your vision as you squirted down her arm, lungs greedily inhaling air as she crushed your throat and released it. 

You don’t really remember how you’d moved from the bathroom, mind empty as strong arms tidied you up as much as possible and led you through the warm crowds. A long, sleek car sat waiting for her and you were gently placed in it. You’d never been in a limousine before, not that you had any brain capacity to appreciate it. 

“Precious girl,” She cooed, stroking your cheek as she pushed you onto the carpeted floor of the car, “I think it’s your turn, don’t you?” 

She’d slipped her trousers off and her cunt was bare for you to get lost in. You almost squealed in excitement, nuzzling and licking happily all to serve her. It took hours, moving from car, to against her front door and finally in her silky, warm bed. Toys, a violent pounding from behind and some soft ropes had you pleading to serve her, to be used and owned. 

You had been right, there was no coming back from the sweet bliss of her control, consequences be damned. 

Ambessa liked you against her, devoted and spent as she spun commands for you, all sinking into your malleable mind as she fed you sips of water and scratched your scalp. 

Pretty little girl. You were hers now, and so was that fucking forest.

[wingedshadowfan]

⚠️arcane s2 act ii spoilers⚠️

caitlyn was actually the perfect and best person to become commander, hear me out

caitlyn is the most tactically intelligent character in arcane, perhaps only second to ambessa herself (and we saw her train with her and immediately take a piece of her advice by fighting dirty [foreshadowing] before double crossing her in the same episode, and just before that tackling vi, a much stronger fighter in short range, by using the same exact moves she learnt from ambessa!) and we've been seeing her strategic, problem solving and information gathering skills since s1, she's a mastermind who's only remained overlooked bcuz she's not evil, argue with the wall

who else could've been eligible to become commander? ambessa had to basically appoint someone who wasn't incapable and made sense in the eyes of the community (like a counselor's daughter and a decorated officer) so it looked legitimate, but still somebody she could control if need be (like someone who'd just lost her mother, had her statue ceremony ruined, and lost her contact to a zaunite she was close w/ who taught her all she knew about zaun, and was now seeking revenge)

but ambessa miscalculated. caitlyn is also the best person to be in this position (for zaunites) because she's lawful, merciful and compassionate - things ambessa doesn't seem to be able to be to non family members - so caitlyn can counteract her and keep her from going rogue to the best of her abilities considering the circumstances. and bcuz caitlyn was so close w/ vi despite their fallout and cait's preexisting and not fully tackled bigotry, she's seen zaunites eye to eye and knows enough abt life in the undercity to hold the unpopular opinion that "there are good people down there"

in fact, caitlyn came into this with three very clear objectives: kill jinx, catch any silco loyalists and dismantle shimmer - all aimed at causing the least possible harm and the most benefit to the average zaunite, esp if they're cooperating or at least minding their business (and i agree there shouldn't be "conditions" you have to meet as a zaunite in order not to suffer police violence, esp when the oppressor piltover writes the laws and can change those conditions at will, but let's remember caitlyn isn't the system itself: she has to work within the legal framework she was born and raised into that she's not exactly able to change for a multitude of reasons, and she even uses that system to her advantage because it might not be good but it's better than nothing, when she confronts ambessa abt there being no legal reason or procedure for her right hand man to attack/detain a random jinxer who hadn't given him reason to).

caitlyn didn't aim to scare zaunites into submission by perpetuating violence, "give them a lesson", "teach them who's boss", she wasn't even aiming to divide zaun's factions further (until they started uniting against piltover and she wasn't left with much of a choice with ambessa breathing down her extremely high vampire cape collar), neither did she aim to eradicate the undercity or its corresponding identity (which i believe are all things ambessa is aiming for), but things spiraled out of control unexpectedly due to momentarily getting this close to catching jinx and then having a fall out w/ vi, followed by the undercity's growing resistance

had it been anyone but caitlyn, i argue it would've been so much worse for zaun from the start

[siolixz]

Family

one-shot

Pairings: Oz 'The Penguin' Cobb x reader

You and Oz settle down in a big penthouse and kids arrive. Very self indulging fanfic. This is quite short but I tried my best to give y'all something- I miss him. ( ˘︹˘ )

Enjoy and give feedback if you want :)

Contents: fluff

Your heart was beating out of your chest as you waited for your husband to come home.

Was he going to be happy? 

What a silly question, of course he was going to be happy. He’s been telling you non-stop how excited he was to start a family with you. 

So why are you nervous? 

You paced around the master bedroom you two shared- pregnancy test in hand.

Why is he taking so long? 

You sat on the couch in the living room on your phone while the maids were getting the table ready for tonight’s dinner- you made them cook that cake Oz loved.

He has no idea what’s waiting for him.

Between high society meetings and the usual business your husband has to attend to- he was a very busy man. But he never, ever brought any bad moods he had at work back home to you. 

“There she is” 

You turned around to look at him- dressed in a tuxedo, he looked every bit the rich man he was.

You said hi to him and got up to kiss him:

“You smell nice..” you whispered.

You two talked as he undressed his dress jacket and took off his suspenders, leaving him only in the shirt and black pants he had on- he unbuttoned it a little and got it up to his elbows. 

As you two ate, you tried your best not to interrupt him- to break the news and wait for his face to light up- make his whole night.

As the cake was brought on the table and he got the first bite- you couldn’t help yourself. You just couldn’t.

”I gotta ask you something” you started- your stomach full of butterflies 

He raised an eyebrow at you- mouth full of cake. 

“Do you have any plans 9 months from now?” 

He shook his head no. 

“Why?” 

You took a deep breath-

“Well, in nine months from now- you’re gonna be a dad.”

You smiled at him as you saw him raise his eyebrows in shock. 

“You serious?” 

You nodded- your heart was so full as you saw him break out in a smile as well

“Are you happy?” You whispered at him as he reached across the table to pull you in his arms. 

“I’m the happiest man alive.” 

He kissed you gently as he held your face.

Remembering the day you told your husband about your bundle of joy brought tears in your eyes, must’ve a mix of the hormones and the nostalgia you felt as you waited to arrive at the doctor’s appointment. 

He held your hand in the backseat as your driver rounded the corner. 

Oswald and you already picked out names for him or her. Either way, whatever they were- all that mattered is that they were yours and perfect. 

You tried to calm your nerves as you laid on the table- whatever was to come, whatever the doctor told you, you will be there for them. 

She placed the cold gel on your belly as your husband held your hand next to you. He was nervous too- you could tell, even if he pretended not to be. He smiled gently at you when you glanced in his direction.

She told you everything was ok, the babies were in the right position and their bodies were alright.

What?

Babies?

”What babies?” Your husband interrupted the doctor “We thought it was just one?” 

You couldn’t form any words at that moment, your gaze was fixated on the screen as she turned it around to show you. 

She smiled at you- pointing excitedly at the precious lives you carried inside- “You two are going to have your hands full- you’re expecting two girls, see?”

You squeezed Oz’s hand while it was holding your own- chuckling in disbelief as you looked at his shocked expression.

The months went by quickly and your body changed in ways you couldn’t have imagined- by the seventh month, you could barely walk and much to Oswald’s enjoyment, you had an attitude too: 

He stared at you as you got naked in the bathroom.

You felt uncomfortable after a long day of trying to busy yourself with various things around the penthouse- his gaze on you only irritated you further.

Was he thinking you looked ugly?

He made you this way! 

You turned around at him, angry “What the fuck are you looking at?” 

He started laughing “You look beautiful- can’t I look at my wife?”  

Now not only did you walk like him, you started acting like him as well. 

Oz became way more protective of you than usual as your due date was coming up, you had the most expensive doctors on call and the most experienced nannies ready to help you out once you gave birth, he watched over you like a hawk- you could barely do anything and even if you loved him as much as you possibly could, sometimes you wanted to be left alone too.

 You two renovated the nursery where your daughters will be once they came and you already decided on the names- you picked ‘Aurora’ and your husband picked ‘Frances’ for her sister. 

Aurora and Frances- how loved they are and they weren’t even here yet. 

You talked to them as you massaged your belly at night, told them stories of their grandmothers and their grandfather, you talked to them about their aunt and uncles too- how happy they would all be to see them. 

The birth was a hard one- even with the best doctors, midwives and nurses money could buy. 

Aurora came first and then Frances, pink and gorgeous- perfect. 

Both of them.

The babies cried, you cried- Oz cried. It was all tears in the delivery room. Happy tears.

As they placed your daughters on each side of you Oz kissed your forehead “thank you” he muttered. 

Your life changed for the better in the last years. Sure, it is way more chaotic and raising two children wasn’t easy- the nannies helped.

But you were so happy- so happy and so fulfilled

By the 20th month- Aurora was already running around the house and Frances seemed to think she was a storyteller who had to be listened to at all times .

When you would calm Frances down- her sister would start running, as you would grab the more rambunctious one- her sister would start crying and so on and so forth.

Sometimes they would sync together when crying prompting your husband to announce that they were going to be great singers one day- a duet.

Aurora had your husband's eyes and his smile- the same wild twinkle in her eyes just before she was about to do something naughty. She enjoyed watching you two run around the house after her or when Oz would throw her in the air and play with her.

Frances on the other hand- she observed everything with wide eyes, trying to grab a hold of anything close to her- to find out what it was, she was the more inquisitive one for sure. She still enjoyed playing with her sister but she preferred to stick to the sidelines.

They were both well behaved, you thaught them to say 'sorry', 'please' and 'thank you'. No matter how much their father or you spoiled them, they had to know their manners and you were very pleased with their learning abilities.

God, you loved them so much.

Of course you carried them both in your belly so they could look exactly the same as their dad.

They would start screaming whenever they heard his voice or hear him walk and not only that- but they took his accent too. 

No matter how hard you tried to teach them how to say things the ‘right’ way- prepare them for school next to the other rich kids in their social circle, they preferred their father’s way of saying things- sometimes it felt like he carried them to full term. 

As they grew their father became more and more paranoid- telling you that if he can’t protect you three, then he failed as a father and husband.

I mean, you knew he had enemies, knew he was a dangerous man who shouldn’t be crossed- but having a car full of armed men trailing behind you as you would run errands into town or take the girls somewhere was a bit much. 

Oz loved them so much- they were the light of his life, everything he did, he did it for them and for you.

Every night after he came home he would kiss both girls on their your bedroom, of course depending on when he came home.

Tonight was no different as he climbed in the king sized bed to start the TV- watch the news and get his glasses from the nightstand.

He mumbled something under his breath about the politician talking on the news and turned around to look at you as you joined him.

He smiled and wrapped his arm around you as you cuddled close to him. 

"They were fast asleep weren't they?"

"Yeah- Frances almost woke up but 'Rory was out like a log." He chuckled. "What do you say we try again, huh?"

You looked up at him

“Maybe try for a boy this time? “

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's note: Thank you for reading!!!!!!!!!!

This was an anon request- I don't think I am that good at writing family fics but hey i tried and therefore no one should judge me. I also have another one-shot in the works, something I am quite proud of so far about an up and coming singer who gets a one in a lifetime opportunity to sing at 'Monroe's', the hottest jazz club who was just renovated- there she meets a very wealthy man and owner of said club. Her friends tell her 'no' and 'are you fck insane?' she sais 'me likey old dangerous gangster'- stuff happens in the Rolls Royce after. (͡• ͜ʖ ͡•)

[messrsrarchives]

i don't want to take up too much space or add negativity here by talking about it, but i do want to touch upon it.

this fandom is difficult. it's difficult in a way it never should have been, and it is nearly impossible to engage with it interactively in a way that doesn't cause you any harm.

and i think the thing i've been coming to terms with recently, is that i can't engage with it how i have been without causing harm in a general sense - especially over on tiktok.

there's a kind of complacency at the moment. complacency in fandom etiquette yes, but the main thing is JKR, and the complacency people have fallen into when it comes to her. when it comes to the tours, the merch, the REBOOT. there's a complacency.

and it's reached a point where,,, there isn't much to do about it.

because my account there has always been talkative - i started talking over there purely to talk about my thoughts and share my interests, and it gradually became more educational. which was fine when it started, but it's not anymore. it's not when it's no longer fun for me, and when it's turned from talking about fandom to defending my place in it. to educating people on why my life matters more than official HP content.

and most discourse? i'll talk about purely because i find it interesting, and then i'll move along. but i can't move along from the reboot and general jkr stuff because i'm trans outside of fandom as well as in it.

i can talk about how it feels to be trans in this fandom right now, and then i turn my phone off, and there's bills to pay. there's increasingly high hrt prices, there's routine blood tests that the nhs won't do for my heart condition, there's a road in my town i can't walk through because someone pulled a knife on me, there's law after law after law being debated, funded, and approved, there's opportunities i've been denied and necessities i've been denied because of my identity.

and i can't turn that off.

and it gets harder to separate the two. it gets harder to separate fandom and real life when i'm coming to a place that should be a form of escapism and hearing people talk about supporting JKR, so i counteract that and explain why we shouldn't, and then i'm directly impacted once the app is closed. i can't turn that off, and i can't feel right engaging in it.

and i think that's the sad thing. i know @sophsicle did a post on this recently, but once fandom and real life start mixing, it's so much harder to engage here because we are responsible. and i can't ethically (or healthily for myself) post about this fandom on tiktok when it's to blame for the complacency we're seeing. and it is to blame. it's the comments on fancasts videos, it's the promoting of jkr's universe in random comment sections just because people "look like" the marauders, it's the reposting of the reboot or official hp pages when they talk about marauders and it's so much more and it's just,,,, impossible.

and i sound like a broken record because for MONTHS i have been talking about this. for months i have been talking about the harm this will cause and a couple of months ago i said that if things don't start changing, you're going to see creators taking steps back.

and i think the most upsetting part, is that i explain this. i explain how important this space has been for my stability and my confidence, how it has been the biggest part of my life and i don't feel comfortable anymore and,,, the majority of the messages so far are "what's going to happen to the fic rec sheet?" "should i download all the fics on your account?" "what about xyz?" etc etc

and it's just,,, content over individual. whether that's the reboot over trans people, or videos over the person, it's always content.

idk man. i don't want this to be too negative but this space needs to work on its support. it needs to stand stronger against jkr, and it needs to stop calling itself inclusive in the meantime i think.

this has been overly negative but fandom isn't. a solid 90% of my time on tiktok has been lovely. i made 18k new friends, gained so much confidence (this is the only time i've ever been able to overcome my stammer and speech impediment and that's everything), raised 7.7k for my top surgery and just,,, it's overwhelmingly positive.

my bubble is good. and the space i have crafted is safe and lovely.

but i don't feel right posting on there anymore. not when wider fandom is a big part of why JKR is suddenly back in the picture, and we can "separate her from the reboot" (we can't).

this is very long so i'll end it with this:

it does not alleviate your guilt to engage with her in a "marauders way". if anything, it is worse to do that and post about it when this space prides itself on inclusivity.

you are not reclaiming this space, you are making it harder for those at risk to engage.

and you need to take "fuck jkr" out of your bio until your actions match your words, regardless of who is casted in a reboot that shouldn't be happening in the first place.

[mypillowpaper]

🡻VENT

Hello, this is going to be a rather sad kind of message, the first time I have to talk about a client with such a bitter perspective for me.

Clients are always a reason to celebrate, with many I have developed super long conversations, others have seen me grow on social networks and I have seen them get married, have children or change their lives little by little just like me.

In my community I am always happy to have good experiences with my clients, because even the few times I have not agreed with something, everything has been able to be discussed and come to a good end.

I have been in contact with all kinds of personalities and moods, both my own and those of others, for a long time and I know how to work with that.

Today was not like that. Today I had to deal with something completely different

I had to talk to a person with whom I had accepted a commission 2 years ago, and the last contact or response I had was in March 2023 -1 year and 7 months-

As we are all strangers on the internet and life can sometimes be very fucked up, I clearly did not make any claim and celebrated they return.

Fortunately I saved they files, and I say this because many artists after a certain period of time close them, send them to avoid legal problems or exactly what just happened to me.

I never added such clauses because i have had 2 cases like that and nothing bad has happened (although never for so long)

But with today I think it was quite naive on my part, because this person began to ask me for changes on a work that had been left with the base coloring, and the lineart already finished.

I agreed to change simple things but I also warned that I was not going to accept more changes that had to do with the pose. Not only because of all the time it took (you can change your tastes, and if you liked something before, and now you don't) but it is unfair to me, to my time and my current pending work.

So I limited the changes to the color section, no different from when other clients ask me for changes once the lineart is finished and accepted.

The person first accepted, then deleted the message and asked me for a refund for the commission, since they was not satisfied with my service .

The truth is that I was quite broken down. Because I had never had or experienced those emotions linked to a client.For me it is something incompatible.

But clearly I am not going to do it, my TOS are clear with the no refunds and the situation is clearly cynical, I have plenty of reasons and explanations as to why, but i dont have the objective of humiliating anyone or generate hatred.

That's why I'm not giving names, I'm not giving pictures or anything. I just want to vent because I feel completely discouraged, because I didn't expect a right hook like that. And it's a bittersweet feeling, and finally I hit the wall after 7 years of work.

It's very easy to show up after almost 2 years and ask for a refund when the work is almost finished, and claim that you're not happy with the results.

But being nice doesn't mean I'm going to allow something like that.

So I'm going to rewrite my TOS to make the same clause as my colleagues, and I'm going to keep this low key and private.

My colleagues will know about name and screenshots, because it's important to be careful with these things. But for the rest, it's not fun for me to start any carnage.

I understand the misunderstanding, I can imagine what this person felt when I set a limit (most people don't like it, it's a bitter pill to swallow) but it's also necessary and it's true that during these 7 years, many people have responded well to it and have even given me excellent treatment or negotiated with me.

I have witnessed at least 200 responses much better than the one I had to read today, so I am able to know, perfectly, that nothing that happened was fair. And that it could have gone better if they hadn't demanded things that way, and in a situation where their actions were not supported.

I know this is different, but my head is now like a pressure cooker, and I needed to let it out, to let it go.

Thank you all, for having accustomed me to such nice treatment, that although today I felt naive, I also felt very lucky to have you to have a bar with which to measure correctly.

A huge hug, from your favorite Pillow.

[wwooyology]

ᕤ 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐓 ᕦ

hi everyone, I come with a heavy heart today. this has been something that has been thought about multiple times now, but I have officially decided that it is time that I retire from enhablr. when I first came here, it was a fun and safe place I could escape to; however, the longer that I was here, the more toxic and not so fun it became. from everything that went down this past summer to all of the bullying to now with everyone at each other's necks because of the ai thing it's just not a place that I feel comfortable in anymore.

I love each and every one of my enha readers and moots that I have met and interacted with while I've been here. you guys have made this experience all the more bearable, but it is now my time to say goodbye.

my plans going forward are pretty simple, I don't plan on making an entirely new blog because that would be far too much work and would get exhausting trying to explain to everyone. I plan on changing my username and will be writing strictly for ateez now. I will be leaving my enha fics up because I know a lot of people enjoyed them, but going forward, I will NOT be writing for enha anymore. there might be a day that I come back, but for right now, this chapter has finally closed, and it is now to start a new one.

with all this being said, my whole page will undergo a full revamp. I will be deleting my enha perm. taglist, as well as any wips that I had posted. while I'm converting everything, my page might get a little messed up, so please bear with me. I won't change my username until I have everything else in place. then, when I do change my username, I will probably make another post.

thank you to EVERYONE who has tagged along in the journey with me. I appreciate you all so much. I hope that you all will continue to follow me on this journey, but if not, then I completely understand and wish you all the best. I love you all so much and will forever hold each and every one of you in my heart.

but for now, alvojake is signing off, and maybe one day we will meet again, until, then, farewell, and I hope you all do well now and in the future.

sincerely, - kayla (aka @/alvojake)

p.s. I will tag a few of my moots just so I know that they are aware. if anyone has any questions, please feel free to reach out. my inbox will still be open during this transition!!

tagging : @hollyoongs @yeonzzzn @enha-stars @addictedtohobi @ak4e7a @heeslomll @intromortal @dollyyun @kitten4sannie @simpjaes @minhosimthings @chlorinecake @naomiarai @ikeuverse @fakeuwus @fairyseungs

[hrrtshape]

THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE DOUBTING SHIFTING a.k.a REAFFIRMING YOUR MINDSET.

welcome back to HRRTSHAPE's series of: THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE DOUBTING SHIFTING. where i hold your hand and help you through helping your mindset if it was mixed by the blender that is shifttok.

in this chapter, we're talking about the why. why does shifting work? why is it possible? why can you, specifically, do it? the truth is, it comes down to mindset, belief, and the magical soup of existence that connects everything. if you want to shift, it’s not about "if"—it’s about when.

✶ NR ONE. YOU ARE THE ARCHITECT OF YOUR MINDSET.

your mind is POWERFUL. like, you could be chilling in your room and suddenly be in a DR castle because your consciousness is the architect of everything you experience. think of your brain as a projector: whatever’s playing in your mind becomes what you see.

⋆   LAW OF ASSUMPTION. what you assume to be true becomes true. if you walk around KNOWING that you can shift, then shifting is inevitable. your subconscious doesn’t differentiate between “real” and “imagined.” if you FEED it with affirmations and belief, it builds that reality for you.

affirm, affirm, affirm !! "i am the creator of my experiences. shifting is natural for me. my mind and reality align effortlessly."

⋆   WHY IT WORKS. your brain loves patterns and shortcuts. when you repeat affirmations, your brain starts to accept them as facts. it’s like carving a path through a forest—the more you affirm, the easier it is for your mind to follow that path straight to your DR

✶ NR 2. LET'S DIVE INTO SCIENCE.

okay, let's get a little nerdy because i LOVE to sprinkle some quantum spice into this. science might not outright say, “shifting is real,” but it gives us so much evidence to vibe with.

⋆  MULTIVERSE THEORY. every choice, thought, and possibility exists somewhere. you’re not creating your dr; you’re just stepping into the version of reality where it already exists.

⋆ NEUROPLASTICITY. your brain literally rewires itself to match your beliefs and experiences. when you practice visualisation, scripting, or affirmations, you’re training your brain to believe in your dr—and to eventually shift there.

⋆ THE OBSERVER EFFECT. in quantum physics, particles behave differently when they’re being observed. translation? your focus changes reality. what you focus on grows.

✶ NR 3. SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT: HOW A DEAD-AND-ALIVE CAT PROVES INFINITE REALITIES.

now, we're far from dummies, but let me freak down schrödinger’s cat down like we’re having a latte and chatting about quantum mechanics? it’s a wild concept, but soooo perfect for understanding the possibility behind shifting. let’s go:

alright, picture this: there’s a cat in a box. it’s not just chilling in there, though—it’s part of a very weird science experiment. inside the box, there’s:

a cat (obviously), a vial of poison, a radioactive atom, and some device that might break the vial if the atom decays (science is chaotic, let’s move on).

HERE'S THE DEAL.

⋆  the radioactive atom has a 50/50 chance of decaying within an hour. ⋆  if it decays, the poison is released, and the cat dies. ⋆  if it doesn’t decay, the cat lives.

BUT—and this is the trippy part—you, as the observer, don’t know what’s happening inside the box until you open it. so, until you check, the cat is in this in-between state. it’s both dead AND alive at the same time. this is called superposition—when something exists in multiple states until it’s observed. It’s not until you open the box that the reality “collapses” into one outcome: the cat is either alive or dead.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR SHIFTING. now let’s take that poor cat out of the box (RIP or congrats to it) and apply this to your reality:

⋆  YOUR REALITY IS A QUANTUM SOUP. just like the cat, you and your consciousness exist in a state of superposition. right now, you’re in your current reality (CR), but there’s a version of you in your desired reality (DR) too. both exist at the same time, in the same “box.” ⋆  OBSERVATION CREATES REALITY. in quantum mechanics, things don’t take on a definite state until they’re observed. In the same way, your dr is “waiting” for you to observe and claim it. when you focus your mind on your dr, you collapse the possibilities and step into that version of reality. ⋆  YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE OUTCOME. the cat doesn’t get to choose its fate, but YOU DO. you’re not just an observer; you’re the creator. by choosing to focus on your DR, you make it the “reality” that wins out. ⋆  WHY THIS IS SO MOTIVATING. think about it: schrödinger’s cat teaches us that multiple outcomes exist at once. the universe doesn’t “lock you in” to one reality. shifting works because your dr isn’t some faraway dream—it’s already there, existing simultaneously with your cr. all you have to do is open the box (or, in this case, SHIFT) and see yourself in the reality you want.

HOW DO I USE THIS IN MY MINDSET?

⋆  VISUALISE YOUR DR AS THE CAT. instead of asking, “can i shift?” think of your dr as already existing in superposition. it’s BOTH real and reachable, waiting for you to observe it.

⋆  COLLAPSE THE REALITY YOU WANT. focus on affirmations, meditations, and practices that align with your dr. the more you believe and focus, the more you “collapse” the possibilities into the reality you desire.

⋆  TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF. just like you don’t need to “force” the cat to be alive or dead, you don’t have to force shifting. your dr already exists. it’s inevitable—it’s just waiting for you to claim it.

✶ NR FOUR. SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DIMENSIONS?

𖥻 3D (third dimension): the "PHYSICAL REALITY." let’s start with what you already know. the 3D is the world we live in every day—the world of physicality, logic, and observation. it’s the “solid stuff” you can see, touch, and experience. things here have length, width, and height.

think:

⋆  that chair you’re sitting on. ⋆  your phone screen. ⋆  the way your crush smiled at you yesterday (!!!).

the 3D is super focused on “what’s real,” aka what you can prove or measure. it’s all about time moving in a straight line (past → present → future) and cause-and-effect logic.

𖥻 4D (fourth dimension): the realm of "THOUGHTS & BELIEF." the 4D is where the magic happens. it’s not just physical—it’s the dimension of consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and POSSIBILITY. time here isn’t linear like in the 3D; it’s fluid. in the 4D, your focus determines your reality, not the other way around.

think of the 4D as:

⋆  YOUR MENTAL PLAYGROUND. it’s where your imagination, affirmations, and beliefs exist. ⋆  THE CREATOR'S DIMENSION. what you think and feel here shapes what you experience in the 3D.

when you’re in the 4D, you’re no longer just a passive observer of reality—you’re creating it. your thoughts aren’t just “floating ideas”; they’re the building blocks of the world you want.

𖥻 3D vs 4D: WHY IT MATTERS FOR SHIFTING.

⋆  THE 3D IS REACTIONARY. it only shows you what you’re currently focused on. if you’re stuck in doubt, negativity, or thinking “shifting is impossible,” the 3D reflects that back to you like a mirror.

⋆  THE 4D IS LIMITLESS. it doesn’t care about the “rules” of the 3D. In the 4D, you can visualize, affirm, and believe in your DR, even if it hasn’t shown up in the 3D yet.

⋆  SHIFTING HAPPENS IN THE 4D. your dr isn’t tied to physical limitations—it exists as a POSSIBILITY in the 4D. when you focus your thoughts and emotions on it, you bring that version of reality closer to your 3D experience.

𖥻 HOW TO USE THE 4D TO SHIFT.

⋆  STOP REACTING TO THE 3D. the 3D might tell you, “you haven’t shifted yet,” (u have. a thousand times) or “this reality is the only real one.” that’s a LIE. don’t let the 3D trick you into thinking it’s all there is.

⋆  TIP, TIP, TIP. whenever doubt creeps in, remind yourself: “the 3D is just a reflection of my past focus. my dr is already mine in the 4D.”

⋆  LIVE IN THE 4D. spend time in your dr mentally. visualise it, affirm it, FEEL it. the 4D doesn’t care if it’s “real” yet; it only cares about what you believe.

⋆  CREATE NEW ASSUMPTIONS. the 4D operates on the law of assumption: what you assume to be true becomes true. assume your dr is inevitable, and don’t waste time questioning it.

⋆  ANYTIME YOU CATCH YOURSELF DOUBTING, flip it into an assumption: instead of “shifting is so hard,” say, “shifting is natural for me.” instead of “what if i fail?” say, “i’ve already succeeded.”

⋆  SEE TIME AS FLUID. in the 4D, time isn’t a straight line. your dr isn’t in the “future”; it already exists, and you’re aligning with it.

⋆  IGNORE THE HOW. the 3D will scream, “HOW is this possible? HOW will it happen?” Ignore it. The 4D doesn’t need explanations. your job is to focus on the end result—living in your DR. the universe handles the how.

✶ NR FIVE. THE IMPORTANCE OF AFFIRMATIONS.

affirmations are your bread and butter, your foundation, your ride-or-die. why? because they reprogram your subconscious to align with your dr. they're not just “words.” they’re instructions to the universe.

HOW TO AFFIRM EFFECTIVELY. ⋆  speak in the present tense: “i am already in my dr.”⋆  make it emotional. the more you feel it, the stronger your focus. add excitement, joy, or calmness. whatever your dr feels like. ⋆  keep it simple: “shifting is easy for me.” ⋆  sneak them into your day. affirm while brushing your teeth, scrolling your phone, or walking. your dr energy should feel as casual as breathing. ⋆  repeat, repeat, repeat. consistency is queen. say your affirmations in the morning, before bed, or anytime your brain tries to pull a "what if?" moment.

✶ NR SIX. THE BOOSTER PACK OF BELIEF.

here’s the tea: belief is EVERYTHING. you don’t have to be perfect. you don’t have to follow a method like it’s a rigid rulebook. you just have to believe it’s possible for you.

⋆  WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR DR SELF. pour your heart out. about what you're doing. what you're excited to do. it makes the connection feel real.

⋆  TRUST THE TIMING. just because it hasn’t happened YET doesn’t mean it won’t. think of it like baking cookies—just because they’re in the oven doesn’t mean they’re not baking. your dr is already aligning with you.

✶ NR SEVEN. THE PHILOSOPHICAL MINDSET.

now let’s take a step back and look at the big picture. why would shifting even be real? why would the universe allow it?

⋆  WE ARE CONSCIOUSNESS EXPERIENCING ITSELF. at the end of the day, you are not your body. you are not your cr identity. you are a soul, a spark of consciousness, moving through infinite experiences. shifting is just a way to explore that freedom.

⋆  REALITY IS REFLECTION. everything you see around you is a reflection of your inner world. if you shift your beliefs, your reality will shift too.

⋆  YOU ARE INFINITE. the fact that you can imagine your dr means it already exists. the universe doesn’t create limitations; it creates possibilities.

✶ NR EIGHT. IT'S ALREADY YOURS.

this isn’t a question of “can i?” or “will i?” it’s a statement: i AM shifting. your dr already exists. your soul, mind &&& consciousness already knows how to get there. the only thing standing in your way is the belief that you can’t. and guess what? that belief? it’s an illusion.

think of shifting like a cosmic cheat code—it’s not “too good to be true”; it’s your birthright. every doubt, every fear, every tiktok rant in your head about ‘what if it doesn’t work’—yeet them into the void. affirm, affirm, affirm.

you are meant to experience everything you dream of. whether it’s walking into hogwarts as a wizard, sipping lattes in a fame dr apartment, or going full demigod chaos—your reality is yours to claim.

[pepprs]

hi, everyone. i hope you all are doing well. i’ve been meaning and wanting to check in here for many months but i have also been too afraid to. but i want to do it now because im potentially at a turning point and i want you all (especially close friends and mutuals who i haven’t talked to in a long time) to know what’s going on because unfortunately i do not have the strength to reach out individually right now, as much as i desperately want to.

when i left this place a year ago my depression was extremely bad. i didn’t know how long i was going to be gone or whether i was leaving for good, but i knew i needed to make some changes in my life before i could be here healthily again. well… 2024 has been a year of IMMENSE change for me! a lot of it has been for the good. i made some progress in my life by moving out, and i’ve had a lot of joy and healing in (very slowly) building a home for myself and figuring out what kind of life i want to live and how i want to live it. (im learning how to drive! i have string lights and stuffed animals and a wii! i am capable of solo travel!)

but… a lot of the changes that have happened this year have been for the worse. in almost every respect 2024 has been one of the most difficult and painful years of my life (and that is saying something!). this year a couple of traumatic things have happened to me and around me, and it has been extremely hard to live my life despite and beyond them. i have been dealing with physical and mental health issues that have greatly impacted my quality of life and make it unbearably difficult for me to get through every day. i am constantly running on negative spoons. one of the most damaging outcomes of this is that i have almost completely withdrawn from society both online and off and that is not an exaggeration. ive stopped talking to all of my friends and family except for people i see every day at work. i impulsively isolate myself when im in pain / distress despite knowing both emotionally and logically that it makes literally everything worse and i don’t know how to (and often can’t muster the mental strength to) work through the shame and grief and anxiety to seek connection and support. and im struggling to take care of myself including physically and its having severe consequences in every aspect of my life and in the lives of people who care about me. i live alone and i still think that was the good and right choice for me to make, but i am profoundly and agonizingly lonely. my depression was extremely bad when i left here, but i think despite everything it might be even worse now.

all of this is to say: this week i finally decided i can’t suffer like this anymore, and i began the process of seeking a formal diagnosis for my depression and other mental health issues and exploring additional treatment beyond talk therapy (most likely meds but there may be other things too / instead; still at the very beginning stages of figuring it all out). i am extremely anxious about many dimensions of this but also hopeful that it will help me hurt less because when i tell you at this point my brain and heart physically ache from depression like 85% of every day…. lol. im really hoping that once i get my mental / emotional pain under control i’ll be able to start tending to the parts of my life that have withered while ive suffered and repair the damage of my neglect as best i can. (which is to say… if you’re my friend and you’re reading this please know i love you and i miss you terribly and i am so sorry we haven’t spoken and i am so sorry im telling you this in a tumblr post you may not even read instead of a reply or a call back. i still love you and i want you to know it is not you specifically i am ghosting, its everyone. i am trying to build the strength and im scared i can’t but i hope i can.)

that said… i have decided i am not going to be coming back to this blog. i miss this place and the community i felt connected to here, but the way i was using this website as a public diary was extremely unhealthy, and as much as i miss it and still crave the instant comfort/validation i see clearly now with months of distance how damaging it was. (i truly cannot believe i was oversharing like that lol i am so private now (yes due largely to mental illness but still!)) i am so grateful to everyone who reassured me when i was struggling and celebrated my successes. this was the first place, online or off, where i (misguidedly but it’s true!) could actually be honest and candid about things happening in my life and my reactions to them instead of communicating it all through metaphors in my art and poetry, and it truly mattered that i had that experience here so that i could seek out more spaces like it in my offline life. i know i already said thank you in a previous update but really… thank you. 💗🫂

im not planning on deleting this blog. i may come back here and share updates like this one from time to time, but otherwise i will leave it as it is. but… i do want to get back to using a few of my fandom-centered sideblogs because looking at and compiling art of things i like is a low-energy thing that makes me happy! so you may see activity there every once in a while (tbh during this hiatus i have opened tumblr from time to time to look at art and save a bunch of posts that i wanted to reblog eventually lol). but… if i notice myself slipping back into bad habits i may private the sideblogs or abandon them completely.

i don’t know how to end this post. actually wait yes i do. one of my all time favorite artists is anna-laura sullivan (@/annalaura_art on instagram) and this is one of my all time favorite drawings of hers (so much so that i made it my lock screen so i can look at it every day!). this saying has brought me a lot of comfort and i hope it (and her other art) will bring you comfort too if you’re also in a dark place.

one more thing: not to be kind of a freak but in writing this post i discovered a longer version of my goodbye post from last year in my drafts. i don’t remember why i didn’t post it and obviously it’s outdated now but i want to share the draft because i went into more detail about tumblr having been helpful for me specifically when it comes to my mutuals + info / disclaimers about how to reach me and i want you guys to hear that in my past self’s voice lol! i put it under the cut if you want to read it!

2023 tess said it best: i hope you know how much it’s meant to me to be in your company. thank you for sharing and thank you for listening. i love you. happy [almost] new year. be well. good luck. shine bright. until we meet again ☕️🐈🫂💗