#from my experience and my thoughts and my readings and my understanding

[phoenixfeathersinfall]

I was intrigued by the idea of Dr. NerdLove and his "advice column for bros" approach, so I decided to check it out and folks....This is so good. Context: In my job, I offer one-on-one coaching to adolescents and young adults who have disabilities to help them meet their goals and transition into adult life/build skills for adulthood. Most of my students right now are young college-aged men (some of whom are in school and some of whom work.) One of the big things I do with them is helping to build and maintain social networks: MAKING FRIENDS!!!! Many of my students are lonely! For some of them, the social networks very much include wanting a partner. They ask me for advice about (usually heterosexual) romantic relationships. As a queer woman who's not much older than them (which is to say, not much relationship experience) I often struggle to know how to answer their questions. I just don't know what it looks like from their point of view. So, I thought something like this might be helpful to point them to. I'm not in the demographic the column is reaching to, but I did grow up in several friend groups where I was one of the only girls, and I had friends who got onto the early stages of that Gamergate/alpha male/incel pipeline. I'm an amateur anthropologist by degree, which means I learned a lot of stuff about how cultures and societies work, how to interview people about complex social problems, and how to make things more equitable for communities that need it. I read and see the same news as the rest of you. I work as a camp counselor for middle and high schoolers in the summers. All of which leads me to reaffirm for you: Our boys are not okay. A scary high number of them are getting exposed to online communities that are misinformed at best and predatory at worst, and they lack the experience to know how to counteract that. The election results are going to be like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Enter Dr. NerdLove. Harris O'Malley tells young men things they need to know and start to internalize, and he does it in a way that is relatable to them, compassionate, and humorous. One of my favorite articles is "What Men Really Need," In it, he talks about the social isolation many men face, how they struggle to get support and connection from their male friends in emotionally fulfilling ways, and how that's devastating for everyone. He also tells them how to be a better friend and change the dynamic.

In other articles, he explains the importance of building confidence, self-care, how to overcome feeling awkward, that looks aren't everything. (again, all in terms a boy who's been lurking around on certain Reddits would understand.) He makes a point to explain what some of the risks of dating and relationships are for women (and how history informs that.)

And yes. He's saying the quiet part out loud (linked text is a news source.)

This is going to help me be better equipped to help my students with something really important to them. I think it's also going to be a protective, positive force for a lot of boys who need it.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[jamandjazz]

My personal headcanon is that Pony got his love for reading from Darry. When Darry was in high school he’d read the books he got in class out loud to Ponyboy and straight up just handed him some of the easier ones so they could talk about it later. In my brain the reason Ponyboy clings onto it so much is because it’s one of the things he and Darry REALLY bonded over when he was a kid and it just brings back good memories of when they got along better.

[agoldenblackbird]

i'm gonna be a ranty bitch for a minute.

tbh i'm turned off even reading new buddie fic despite being a multishipper and have unfollowed a bunch of buddie accounts because i'm sick of the smug attitudes. one ask that i am otherwise not going to publish or respond to ended with 'sorry you don't understand media literacy bestie :)' fuck off. listen INFANT, i have been writing fanfic and original fic AND watching, reading and analyzing queer media since before you were born, i understand how character and story development works, and i know the difference between 'storyline i personally disliked' and 'bad writing.' this was BOTH, and it also was marketed to us as 'carefully crafted bi rep' and 'queer love story that is not about a bunch of pain and conflict FOR ONCE' so we have every right to be upset at the bait-and-switch.

the fact that i'm seeing the same exact posts - 'bt bones buddie CANON' that i saw three seasons ago after the bucktaylor breakup, or every time they thought buck and taylor MIGHT break up - says something. the fact that so many fans seem genuinely convinced (STILL!) that buddie is inevitable because there have been so many 'signs,' and then they rattle off a convoluted theory that would make the most hardcore taylor swift stan say 'wow, that's a bit of a reach,' honestly weirded me out a little when i first joined the 911 fandom. i have never been in a fandom where so many fans are insistent that their ship will be - not might be or could be, but WILL be - canon. i am skeptical both from past experience with other shows mishandling queer storylines or ship-baiting, and tim minnear's proven track record with this one of not really knowing what to do with buck's LI's. but i didn't want to yuck anybody's yum, so i let them have their theories and squee in peace, and unfollowed or blocked certain tags if i was seeing too much of it and getting annoyed. it's too out there for me, but i'm glad they're having fun!

yet they can't give us the same courtesy. they deride us as delusional for thinking that a canon pairing that was presented to us both in promo and the show itself as different and important (eg the bobby approval convo and 'buck getting off the hamster wheel') might last, and we're stupid to have ever liked tommy or lou or be disappointed at how the breakup was written, and if we point out the biphobia it's just sour grapes.

the bucktommy breakup is not the first time 911 has started out strong with an interesting storyline and fumbled it in the 4th quarter either because the writers got bored or in the name of needless drama/a 'gotcha' sudden twist. amir & bobby, eddie's fight club arc, the sperm donor SL, hen vs councilwoman ortiz, whatever the hell is going on with harry, the whole mess with shannon/kim, just to name a few. and especially the past couple of seasons, for me since 6b, the pacing has been off. they seem to have too much happening at once and many of the storylines don't have enough room to breathe to be narratively satisfying, or they get resolved in ways that feel lackluster.

if the toxic buddie stans who have been attacking lou on sm and sending death threats (wtf!) actually get what they want, which i admit is possible, but it's certainly not guaranteed….i don't know why they think the writers won't fumble that just as badly. it's not going to happen precisely the way they want it to because it is impossible to please everybody, that's what fanfic is for. but at this point i have zero faith that it would even be well done at all, and zero trust in the writers not to just sabotage or regress a character for funsies, and that's an excellent reason to stop watching the show. in most of my other fandoms i regard canon as a jumping-off point or a blurry outline at best, and i can have just as much fun in the 911 sandbox without any further input from canon at all, once i'm less angry.

[riansdiary]

"I HAVE IT ALL NOW" vaunt made using Chatgpt

Dearest Gentle Readers 💎

I have a little something different for you today but I hope this really helps you as much as it helped me. I was experimenting with Chatgpt when I thought of this idea. This vaunt or monologue helped me feel it real and understand that I already have it all now and it's done. I started tearing up as I read it naturally and it made me feel so amazing and it helped me accept that it's all here now. It also made me persist better in the new story.

I don't want you to read this like any other post. I want you to put yourself in the shoes of the version of you who has manifested everything they ever wanted. Act it out if you want to act it out as long as you do it the way that's most natural to you like how you naturally talk. Really internalize that it is already here and you're that version of yourself already. Feel the feeling and knowing that it's done and how it makes you feel.

Here is exactly what I asked it to generate for me. I went with the first one it gave me and then a more casual and simple version.

"Chatgpt make a law of assumption or manifesting cheat for me. Create a monologue for me that I would possibly say in the state of having my desires. Something that can bypass my mind into thinking it's already here because it is"

Here’s a monologue that could help you slip into the feeling of already having your desires. Imagine saying this to yourself in a calm, knowing tone, as if you’re recounting an experience you’ve lived through many times before:

“It’s amazing how effortlessly everything flows my way now. I’m always in the right place at the right time, and things work out better than I could’ve planned. My life has become a series of perfect moments, one after another. The people I meet, the opportunities that come my way—all of it aligns so naturally. I’m living proof that things I once dreamed of are real now, part of my everyday life.

I feel so deeply content and fulfilled. Everything I desire just shows up in ways that are better than I even imagined. I have this unshakable confidence now, knowing that my life unfolds exactly how I want it to, and I don’t need to chase anything. I radiate ease and joy, and others see it too. My energy is magnetic, drawing in the best experiences without me even trying.

“It’s crazy how everything I want just finds its way to me now. I barely even have to try—things just work out. I’m always in the right place at the right time, and it all just clicks so easily. Life feels smooth, like everything’s lined up perfectly for me.

I feel so calm and happy, I’ve already got everything I wanted. I know I deserve it, and I know it’s mine. People notice it too—they see how confident and happy I am. I don’t chase after anything; things just come to me.

Every day, I’m grateful for how good my life is. I have everything I wanted, and it feels amazing. I can trust that everything is working out in my favor, and it’s only getting better from here.”

[burningcheese-merchant]

Psst, hear me out: The Beast being fucking yanderes with the ancients.

You Get It™️ I mean... Did you guys see episode 6? Burning Simp Cookie is already a yandere lol. He's been there and he refuses to leave. And Shadow Milk is honestly not that far behind, he feels some type of way towards Pure Vanilla and it would be cute if it wasn't so sad and creepy lol

Really though, I just love hero/villain ships in general (always have, since long before Cookie Run ever existed) and I get a kick out of villains acting stupid over crushes (read: obsessions), and acting stupid in general. There's just something about a villain being in love with the hero to a psychotic, comical degree, and the hero rebuffing them at every turn that's just really amusing to me lol. Like what Joker sort of has with Batman, you know?

Here are my Yandere Beasts in bare-bones terms:

Burning Spice: come on, if you've read my stuff, you know EXACTLY what Yandere Spice is like lol. If not, I'll refer you to this and this, as well as my fics on AO3. If those don't tell you what Yandere Spice is like then idk how else to help you lol

Shadow Milk: if the final boss of theater/drama kids had a crush but was also a malignant narcissist of some sort lol. Absolutely DESPERATE for Vanilla's attention at all times. If he's not actively trying to worm into Vanilla's brain and harass him in his thoughts and dreams, he's in the real world brainstorming better ways to do that lol. He does not grasp why the creepy puppet shows and gaslighting attempts aren't convincing Vanilla to fall in love with him. Will attack and torment and insult Vani in one breath and then praise and love and worship him in another, because he's a histrionic clown freak with whirlwind emotions. But above all else, he literally thinks he owns Vani and is meticulously plotting the horrible and hilarious demise of any and all he perceives as a threat to their union

Eternal Sugar: World's Laziest Stalker™️. Almost exclusively haunts Holly in her dreams (I have to assume that that's what her power will entail, as the Beast of Sloth); however, she's more "effective" in her wooing attempts due to her past experience as the Herald of Happiness. She actually goes out of her way to construct dreams and the like that have things in them that make Holly happy (or what she thinks makes Holly happy; she, as well as the others, has big tunnel vision and is very selfish and self-absorbed, and thus pays more lip service to her own wants than those of who she loves/obsesses over). Thankfully doesn't run into Holly in person often because that's work... but sometimes she DOES work up the nerve to go after her for real, and... well

Mystic Flour: Denial, denial, denial. Not just a river in Egypt the Golden Cheese Kingdom, but she'll say and act like otherwise. No, she does not like Dark Cacao. He robbed her of her volition and the chance to enact her will. He prevented her from freeing the world from pain and suffering. He is a stubborn fool who refuses to understand the truth. He... is very handsome. She does not like how handsome he is. It is distracting. She doesn't like dwelling on her memories of him and their encounters. She doesn't like how she came to harbor a single kernel of respect in her heart after he stood his ground against her; a kernel that she inadvertently nurtured and cultivated slowly but surely, until... no. No, she doesn't like Dark Cacao. She doesn't think about him all day. She doesn't want to try to lure him back to her land so she can trap him in the flour fog with her again. She doesn't miss feeling his dark eyes on her. She doesn't deeply resent his attachment to his people, and seek to transfer that attachment to her instead. No, she... damn it, he's ruined her. He's made her feel things again. He's made her succumb to selfishness and greed, to earthly desire and attachment - desire for HIM, attachment to HIM. All of her hard work and enlightenment gone to waste... She doesn't want to like Dark Cacao, she recognizes the folly in such a thing, but she's stuck - and so stuck is she that not only does she not really see a way out, she doesn't WANT one. She's become too content with her attachment to him too quickly. Now she has to agonize over her own foolishness, and try to keep denying that she doesn't care while also longing for his attention and wanting to do away with all that steals his attention away from her

Silent Salt: probably the least awful of the five, but he's still creepy and that's not a high bar to clear anyway lol. Has a better grasp on "normal" behavior than the others (like... he pays attention to what White Lily likes/wants and tries to adjust accordingly), but he's following her around everywhere and acting extremely violent and territorial over her towards anyone who he catches approaching her. He's legitimately, surprisingly sweet and gentle towards her; he brings her flowers, he listens to her when she asks/tells him something, he's more or less respectful of her personal space (he will try to be as physically close to her as possible, but actually backs off a little if she asks him to, only to try again, and so on and so forth)... but he's still a villain, he's still violent and creepy, he still gets angry when she pays attention to other people for too long and he has brought actual harm to others out of jealousy. He's the best of the worst but that really doesn't mean much of anything, he's still a psycho creep like the others

In short, they form a tight-knit coalition of absolutely fucking deranged freakazoids and they should all probably die :)

[psychhound]

i just happened to have read a chapter recently called 'the positive negative experience in extreme role-playing' by markus montola that really hits a lot of these points from the academic side of things

montola talks about the "positive negative experience" in which rpers experience extremely challenging and distressing emotions during the session of roleplay, but later look back at the experience as positive and worthwhile. in fact, the majority of the people who intentionally engage in extreme roleplaying dont regret the choice afterward

extreme roleplaying mainly occurs in games that intentionally create player bleed. for those unfamiliar, bleed is the process of the character's thoughts and feelings influencing the player and vice versa. bleed in is when the player and the real world affect how the character is played and their actions. bleed out is when circumstances in game come into the real world to affect the player

some people and some games intentionally try to invoke bleed for a more intense experience, called "playing for bleed". often, the positive negative experience is an example of extreme bleed that creates exploration, reflection, bonding, and catharsis

being informed of content, themes, and triggers is often an important part of the consent process in extreme roleplaying, though at least in this study it didn't seem like safety tools were often used once the session starts. players want to be able to feel the horrible feelings and then "endure through the game to not be denied the feelings of completion and triumph of surviving through it” (p. 163)

another important part of extreme roleplaying is debriefing afterwards, ideally right after the session and then again in the days afterward. several interviewees in the study said that was really vital for them

a friend said he wanted to play bluebeards bride and then i read this chapter and then this post crossed my dash within like a day of each other :) kismet

(cws for the chapter: sexism, murder, cannibalism, and sexual assault within the games discussion)

further reading:

why people play tabletop role-playing games: a grounded theory of becoming as motivation

roll for insight: understanding how the experience of playing dungeons & dragons impacts the mental health of the average player

psychology and role-playing games

a game where we hurt each other

Last month, I played perhaps the most intense TTRPG session of my life as part of the Dream Library’s discussion of Bluebeard’s Bride, a game of “feminist horror” (more on this later) published by Magpie in a gorgeous print edition. Over the course of the month of October my guest lecturer/collaborator @marvelousmsmolly I collectively hosted three sessions of what was by far the most challenging game the Dream Library has ever discussed. 

We came to Bluebeard as the second part of our fall semester covering games of intimacy and monstrosity — a unit which began in September with Avery Alder’s Monsterhearts 2 and is continuing this month with Vampire: The Masquerade (If you want to get in on the VTM discussion and future semesters, please, come join). Both Molly and I suspected that Bluebeard was going to be both a quieter month and a riskier text — but opted to play through it anyway, albeit with some tools in place to make sure everyone knew what they were getting into with a book that doesn’t pull many punches. And with all that, the first two sessions went... fine? We had some lumpy pacing, some conflicting styles of play, some questions about how a game that really seems to encourage player bleed can possibly be played online, but for the most part things were fine. Not great, not bad — not worth the anxiety we’d had about them.

And “fine,” of course, doesn’t make for interesting conversations, so Molly and I took a step back. We talked about what was going wrong: a sense that neither of us quite felt comfortable hitting hard enough, even though we asked players ahead of time and at the start of sessions to tell us what was off the table. A frustration that player choice had trended towards the Bride as a detective/hero and not someone embodied in a world of horror. A confusion — once again — over what it means to “shiver with terror” in a discord call with some friends online. Out of that conversation came a new idea: rather than two more one-shots, Molly took some time to charge up a spirit bomb and put together some more formal prep, then recruited a group she felt could get together for a more curated experience. She wrote up her own excellent thoughts on what went down — along with a lot of session details — but you’ll have to join the Dream Library for that. 

The result of all that curation and preparation was that on October 23rd a group of four trans women — Molly, @jdragsky, our friend Mars, and I — sat down to play Bluebeard’s Bride knowing exactly what we were in for. We would be playing a transfem Bride, Bluebeard would be cis, and we would be hitting transfem-specific horror as hard as we possibly could. 

I’m going to quote from Molly’s reflection, where she wrote:

“Another really great aspect of running this game for this table is there was such a clear feeling that we all understood, wordlessly, what was going on... There are some moments in Allison Rumfitt’s gothic horror novel ‘Tell Me I’m Worthless’ where it felt like the author, a trans woman, was dropping phrases knowing exactly how her transfem audience would react... This had a twofold effect of both giving the players a chilling moment but also, a very brief but appropriate separation between fiction and player where could all grimace and be together in that discomfort before pushing on. People knew what I was doing. The problem with the original game is it doesn’t really want to discuss the politics of what “feminine horror” means. Because of this you’re really lacking some focus. I think a table of cis women could actually play bluebeard’s bride in the way we did last night and have it hit hard for them if they approached it correctly, I don’t think our experience was uniquely elevated by our trans reading, however that was one of several tools we used for that elevation.”

Setting aside the strengths and weaknesses of the original text, that sense of shared experience was key to our game and key to allowing us to hit — and get hit — really hard and trust that our coplayers were there with us. Compared to our earlier efforts (prioritizing safety by taking things off the table via lines/veils) tightening the topical scope from an ambiguous “feminist horror” to a specific transfeminist horror in the context of a chaser bf, in the context of an economic disparity, in the context of the medical pressures of transition in the contemporary U.K. allowed Molly, our lovely host, to hurt us knowing that we were all in it together and choosing to play this game. It transformed the horror from an obstacle in an adventure game into a thing we were seeking out: a pleasure/pain we asked to feel. 

In a games discourse that is — understandably — interested in protections which might be implemented anywhere, including at cons and home tables with much less of an art-and-politics interest, safety tools are often thought about as a negative thing, a preemptive cutting away of all the things which might end up hurting us. I think that’s part of why people can have a hard time filling out a lines/veils list in advance of a session. What are all the things in the world I’m sensitive to? What are all the contexts in which I’m sensitive to them? Good sensitive or bad sensitive? Sensitive enough to cause a scene? Sensitive enough to make it off the table? 

In place of that — and in a table with a really remarkable amount of trust — this final Bluebeard session leaned in, hard, to the things that hurt us. That was the game. Molly wrote a lot about kink in her reflection, and I think she was right to do that. The point of the game was to hurt each other and to feel, and it was a better game for keeping that in mind. It was an actual horror game, and not just a game with horror aesthetics. I agree with Molly that there was nothing essential about having an all-transfem table — I think what we did could be done by anyone, even with the base Bluebeard’s Bride. What was essential was having a table where we all trusted each other enough to play a hurting game and to know that we were there on purpose. It elevated Bluebeard’s Bride into a really fascinating, messy experience — one I can’t wait to play again.

[taemcains]

eroticism, sensuality & how cain embodies it

i've always called cain erotic but since the kiss has taken over every last braincell of mine, i've been wondering what exactly makes him so. from the moment i read i want to do with you what isn't customary to say out loud, the with immediately struck me. not do to you but with. which could either mean what he wants them to experience together, as equals, or having her helpless and at his mercy, or both.

the verbal aspect of sex is what almost everyone gets wrong in media, especially when it comes to men. dirty talk is cheap, vulgar, and disgusting but why does cain do it so well? because he reveals just enough to leave you wondering, grasping desperately at your own imagination. i should've been crucified long ago for my thoughts about you. so what are you thinking? sublimating admitting to animal basal impulses, considered dirty and impure with so much grace and sensuality. saving all his confessions for such a significant moment, as they always step around each other and walk in circles, never saying anything outright so when he does it's shocking, outrageously hot.

and the inch he does give is painted vividly. where the blood boils and languid sighs fill the air.

he doesn't impose himself onto her, doesn't overpower her, make her smaller. it's more of an enveloping, surrounding, surrendering. he hardly touched her in the church, but his words and presence eclipsed the outside world, making sin religious.

while he is more, or even completely, dominant in their relationship, his dominance isn't to assert his desire onto her, but to allow the revealing of hers. he doesn't push her around, doesn't order her but carefully spins a web around her, trapping her senses, trapping her in a web of her own desires, disregarding her inhibitions. everything about him is subtle and slow and seductive, and every final decision has rested on her shoulders. in the church, he has his fingers over her stomach, he looks up, he waits. in the bathroom, he has her trapped between his body and the cross, he says his piece, he waits. only when she touches him back does he kiss her.

the power gap between them, purely antagonistic of the usual immortal/mortal ship, is blurred and coexisting. cain was the one laying out his cards, his barest desires and wants but it was lane who felt caught between his jaws, like this was her surrender. he was pulling the strings even as he was being vulnerable.

over all this, intimacy and understanding is the most erotic thing of all, and it was captured beautifully in the kiss scene. cain knew what i liked because we were so similar. cain being able to read all her nonverbal cues, to know which is permission. cain laying on her lap, talking about acceptance and understanding and eternity.

it's so rare to see a male character who is actually erotic, not vulgar and as a 'bring back real sensuality in media' girl i'm fucking up this buffet. i can't wait to see how this evolves in his later scenes and thank you taemin for birthing him.

[charmack]

okay i’ve had some time to think about this properly so now i’m gonna give my caitlyn thoughts (this will be long):

firstly i think it’s fair to say that the root cause of caitlyn’s arc is indeed her suffering at the hands of jinx (her mothers death, the kidnapping etc). her obsession with finding and killing jinx is what ultimately causes her to lose sight of her morals BUT the only reason this has such a significant impact is because of her privilege! she’s now the head of house kiramman making her one of the most powerful people in the city, she has all the resources she needs to get to jinx at the drop of a hat. this fuelled by her rage and grief causes her to make rash decisions that hurt the people of zaun, who she once was trying to help, like her use of the grey for example.

caitlyn has been raised with the piltover ideology that zaun is the cause of all of their problems, she has only recent escaped this ideology in season one. so then when jinx kills her mother it’s so easy for her to fall back into that way of thinking. the fact that jinx is now the figurehead of zaun makes it so that caitlyn can blame the whole undercity for her problems not just jinx, and this is how it’s so easy for ambessa to manipulate her. caitlyn is angry at the undercity, she’s powerful, and she’s well respected, making her the perfect candidate to be ambessa’s puppet commander

caitlyn’s arc to me represents how easy it is for the privileged to descend into fascism when they experience suffering, and this is because of like i said earlier their power and resources. caitlyn’s trauma is much the same as (if anything less than) plenty of the people of zaun (including vi), she lost a parent to class violence. however the difference is that caitlyn has the resource and opportunities to get her revenge whereas the children of zaun do not. I think the writers are trying to show us that what caitlyn is feeling is not abnormal for someone in her situation, and that it is her privilege that allows her rage to spiral out of control and turn her into something so sinister.

finally, i think it is possible for caitlyn to be redeemed, as i feel as though her actions do not represent her as a person but the horrific oppressive system she is directly benefiting from. i still love her as a character and this arc has made her all the more interesting to me but i understand why some people may hate her now. overall though i really really want that redemption arc and caitvi endgame as i truly believe caitlyn is a good person deep down

thanks if your read all this!!!! i just needed to get my ramblings out somewhere!

[dailycass-cain]

Batgirl #1 feels like a dream. A dream that I always wanted to see but never thought it was possible. This past Wednesday changed that and held a physical copy in my hands.

It's finally time for my thoughts on the issue.

I'll start with the book's only two critiques I have for it. For new fans, this comic is just a gorgeously drawn comic with layers that scratch the surface. You get that instantly on the very first page when Shiva and Cass meet.

You can understand the subtleness. But I can see a new reader going? "I need to know more of this context." That leads to the second critique of the comic: editor's notes.

They could've added much more to the words of the comic. Explain further some of the history.

I mean there is a PERFECTLY minded trade that solves this problem (out April 8th, 2025). But it would've been nice to direct readers to a specific issue of the past. To further enhance the reading experience.

That said...

This feels like a continuation of Batgirl Vol. 1, but with the knowledge that even after #73 Cass continues to be a bat. There are so many callbacks to Puckett and Gabrych (in a way) along with Tynion, Hill, and Conrad/Cloonan.

I'll give it to writer Tate Brombal he just skips RIGHT to the meat keeping the reader as clueless as Cass is into the story.

We're dragged into this mess like her not knowing the full story save what she sees and knows. Even if she knows Shiva is trying to be better.

Just that she doesn't want to be dragged into this mess. Not only that, Shiva unnerves Cass in a way given they are two sides of the same coin (both in blood and choices).

Not only that, but the moment Cass meets her mom, she murders someone (a guard who is violent and earned the violent end). It's probably right there Cass decided to check out afraid of this being a relapse of "old ways".

This, in a way, feels like Brombal addressing the circle the two characters have been in since 2020 at the start of this issue. There is just this uneasy tension, which ends when the series' antagonists show up.

You get that "the Unburied." Ninjas are cut from the cloth of Frank Miller and Peter Laird/Kevin Eastman. You get those Hand/Foot Clan vibes from them.

As for how they are so dangerous. Well, again the Laird/Eastman method of ninjas. They just keep coming. Waves and waves. They know their target. Eventually, no matter how skilled one is, one wave is going to get lucky and overwhelm the target.

What makes them deadly is that they keep coming until their targets are wiped out. Therein lies the reason Cass stays (both times): She knows her mom could be right.

They could target everyone she loves, and some of the family could be endangered due to that unknown factor.

That is the core of Cass, and we get our "character introduction" of who Cass is. She was raised to be a weapon but chose to be a hero. She was an orphan by choice (okay a nice nod to THAT codename). That her parent is Batman (but aw not Babs). Choosing to protect.

That's where the comic just goes to another level thanks to the art by Takeshi Miyazawa and colors by Mike Spicer. Where each impact and panel just POP. Not to mention the "mood" with the colors Spicer does here.

Interestingly, the only impact we get is via Shiva's reactions to Cass fighting. Punching her, but also them fighting together against the Unburied.

The things she's seen of her mom. The death duel. The death. The violence. Being evil. That's what Cass has known (and in a way the murder mom clichés). But we see throughout the shades of Shiva that are more than that.

I think the points where we get little callbacks to the Question yet Cass sasses her mom with "Lying." Again, Cass knows that Shiva loves fighting. Because deep down she too loves this. But also the "lying" Cass means to Shiva. And again we get her saying what she's seen in the past.

And I'm kind of surprised we see the Cult of Shiva again (along with the survivor who Steph fought in #26). Again someone we haven't seen in well SO LONG. And well, say goodbye to this issue (farewell to Shiva's #2 fan).

I'm really curious to where this goes. Obviously, we're going to get answers. But the questions raised this issue do intrigue me. Not to mention Cass/Shiva teaming up. And that alone is a highlight into itself.

I just wonder WHO is behind the Unburied? Because you know it's someone. Question is it someone with a connection to BOTH Cass and Shiva? Or is it truly sins of the Mother dropped on the daughter?

If they're targeting people associated with Shiva? Does it mean we're getting the first meeting between Richard Dragon and Cass? To showcase another layer of Shiva to Cass that's never been explored? Or Ben Turner aka Bronze Tiger? Curious questions indeed.

Regardless Brombal really has a DEEP understanding for both characters.

There's just so much dialogue and just reactions that FEELS just entrenched from Batgirl Vol. 1. That this feels like a writer going FULL ON with no restrictions with Cass.

Not only that but artist and colorist just deliver that same method. Keeping what was in Vol. 1 here present as well

I felt for them again for so many times in these many years- at home.

I felt for them again for so many times in these many years- at home. This comic really does feel like a celebration of the character. Something to honor the anniversary and everything that has come before it. Be it Batgirl Vol. 1 & 2, Tec, Batman & the Outsiders, Spirit World, and Batgirls.

That again why the emotions hit akin to Shadow of the Batgirl. Being a fan of the character so long. Being around for this ride. This hits on another level as well.

And after a week of darkness, this comic (along with another) brought some much-needed light to my world.

So to any Cass fan hesitant in the past due to well "DC being DC", let me just say that this is the one. The one fans have been dreaming of. Hoping. This #1 delivers SO much. Maybe, it shows to others why this character just resonates with so many.

[adhd-community]

i'm hyperverbal, and my partner is easily overwhelmed by too much talking. i have a hard time even processing a thought until i've said it out loud, though. if i don't talk myself through it, i just get stuck and say nothing. not to mention, i have a hard time deciding what's actually worth saying out loud until i've said it. how can i talk to my partner while,,, talking less?

It's all about finding ways to exist together that support both of your needs. I am reading that your partner has noted they find a lot of chat overwhelming and you tend to chat a lot and struggle to know when or how to stop/start (somehow I identify with both of these...).

The first two questions are:

What is it that your partner finds overwhelming? Too many thoughts verbalised too quickly? The noise? Trying to follow the conversation? Do the reasons change from time to time?

Why are you chatting? Are you looking for connection? Reassurance? Is it accidental? Do these reasons sometimes change?

Understanding yourself and each other can be REALLY helpful in these situations in order to work out what will meet both your needs.

Finally for some hypertalkitivity tips, some things that have helped me in the past with situations like these are:

Before launching into something you're thinking about, check in with the other person on whether they are up for a chat, or whether they would prefer a little quiet time. If they need quiet time, respect that (it's not a rejection, I promise) and find another outlet for your energy/thoughts.*

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about why you're talking and what level of engagement is needed from them. I had this issue with a friend while travelling (I chat while packing and they were getting overwhelmed). We talked about it and I explained that when this happens I don't need (or expect) them to actually listen, at most it would be nice if they occasionally said "hmm good question" or "mmmm" so I didnt feel lonely or get distracted. This isn't something they need so they had thought I wanted them to deeply listen and answer questions each time and were understandably EXHAUSTED. This convo, and following "heads up, I'm doing the thing - let me know if you need quiet time" chats avoided a lot of potential tension!

If you are having trouble with impulsively talking, find something that tends to help you have "quiet time". For me this is listening to something through headphones that I dont need to pay too much attention to or actually "watch" but still find really enjoyable (e.g. podcasts or super-long game-plays (thank you Jacksepticeye amiright?)) For some reason this signals "no talking" to my brain and I can quietly focus in other things - find yours!

Take a few deep breaths and talk a little slower. When ADHDers are hypertalkative and REALLY into a thought, it can be... intense. Passion is wonderful but taking a second to recognise that your partner is probs also having several thoughts/their own experience and it will take them a second to adjust is always appreciated.

*Other possible outlets for your energy/thoughts!

Write it in a notebook

Type it out or speak it to an AI chatbot!

Call a friend or family member

Do something physical to reduce the mental restlessness (this can be exercise, or even just doing some dishes or gardening etc - just something that makes your brain feel less like it needs to work out everything in the world RIGHT NOW)

Try a guided meditation to slow your thoughts

In the end only you and your partner will be able to work out what's best for you both, but I hope this has helped!

Remember that just because they don't want to chat right now does NOT mean they don't want to hear your thoughts at all. It's likely they just need to recharge their social batteries so that they can have cute chats and fun times later.

X

[zahri-melitor]

Dark Crisis: Young Justice

I think my first, most top-level thought about this as a title is that the expectations you bring to this title have a large impact on the narrative you get out of it.

If you're picking it up for the words 'Young Justice' in the title, thinking you're going to get a fun romp of a story, you are necessarily going to be disappointed (and indeed that has happened to many people who've read this).

If however you look at it in context of the words 'Dark Crisis', as a tie-in mini to an event heavily involving themes of trapping people in dreamscape universes arising out of their subconscious, and the narrative of 'who grows up to step into the shoes of the Justice League'...? Then yeah. The story contains a lot of very relevant commentary on that.

I can see what the original pitch from Fitzmartin was for this story, and it's compelling. I think the pitch, premise and argument she is making are very interesting; I just don’t necessarily agree with all the conclusions and the exact characterisation used to achieve those conclusions.

Because. In the context of an event that has Jon Kent building a new Justice League out of a collection of heroes in his generation who largely are the relatives of the classic Justice League, despite having very little personal experience or time as heroes, and of the Original Titans generation realising that they need to step up and take on leadership of the broader community again, as they go through losing their mentors once more... a title about the inbetween generation, who have been ignored, asking 'well what about us? Why are we overlooked here? Once upon a time, we would have been seen as the future' makes sense.

Mickey offering Kon, Tim and Bart what he sees as the lure of being the hero - of growing up into the role originally seen as their destiny - is a potent one in a broader narrative that has Jon Kent openly stating multiple times that he has to be Superman because his father is not there and to live up to what his father would be doing; where Damian is once again being haunted and positioned as 'the true Son of the Bat, Heir to Batman, Has No Other Future Destiny', and where even Wally is being positioned as feeling junior to and not fully able of filling Barry's shoes. (Wally's inferiority complex is entirely unnecessary, but he is right that Barry is seen as the more 'multiverse proficient of the two of them)

Because. Why is the generation below Young Justice the ones who think they need to try and fill the shoes of the Justice League? Why has the Young Justice generation been replaced but not given the space to grow into new roles, and is the demand they step aside for the younger heroes a fair one? These are discussions to be had about the characters and they're had constantly by the fandom, and I think choosing to tackle it as a topic head on in an event focusing on the issues of legacy and what people desire secretly in their hearts is probably the place to bring it up.

And in that context, some of the choices of story that various characters were given, particularly Kon, make a lot more sense.

Bart gets to be the character who understands what is going on, who twigs to the situation first and how to fix it, because Bart is the character most often underestimated and treated as the afterthought and the comic relief of the three boys in fandom. They're in Bart's area of expertise, and he gets to showcase that as part of his growth and difference.

Tim is conflicted, because Tim has been conflicted ever since Damian was introduced and set up as a rival. But also Tim and Damian have largely made peace with each other, to the point where they're just fondly bickering brothers. And what convinces Tim that the present is better than the past is Bernard, and by analogy being bisexual and being openly allowed to be bisexual; it's an argument that it's better and easier for Tim to accept who he is in this present where he's written in the 2020s and can interrogate his identity, than to be in the 1990s and written by Chuck Dixon.

And Kon...Kon's entire story has always been about how he was created to become Superman, his destiny was to grow up to fill that role - and how it will never happen, for him. He spent years struggling with how that affected his identity and perception of himself, and whether he does have the ability to choose his path. Kon asking ‘isn’t it better here’ (in the past, when he was young and had a clear future trajectory) in an event where Clark is in a dreamworld where he gets to raise Jon (and none of the rest of the family are evident) and Jon’s running around announcing he’s Superman, he needs to live up to what his father would be doing…yeah. That IS potent commentary. Because Jon, a character who probably still is younger than Kon, is Superman. And Kon, who believed he was Superman from the moment of his decanting, is stuck as Superboy. He's been replaced and people don't even remember him.

So Kon being the fall guy who needs to be talked around the hardest in the story makes sense narratively, even if some of his lines don't wholly fit his characterisation, because when this story came out Kon was the character most in a situation where he didn't have connections to the present and a forward trajectory.

(And right now of course Tim and Kon are in the healthier positions, storywise, while Bart is the one careening around without proper characterisation. Swings and roundabouts)

And then we get to Cassie and Cissie.

And while the three boys have got to be their present selves, but pasted back into the setting of nostalgia...Cassie explicitly gets replaced and all of her characterisation wound back in the dreamworld version of her.

Notably, Fantasy Cassie is present for stories she did not appear in, in the very early days of Young Justice. Indeed, Young Justice #3, an issue that contains Mr Mxyzptlk, is officially titled "The Issue Before the One Where the Girls Show Up!". But the Cassie that Mickey chooses to use...is a costume never seen at Happy Harbour. It's a version of her mid-Young Justice costume, from about #20-#49. It's the one from before she's chosen as leader. He doesn't want her 'ugly' early costume, where Cassie's still hiding herself. He doesn't want the leader, the adult that Cassie is in her real aspect, or even the girl who joined the Teen Titans. He wants the idealised 'best' Cassie that everyone carries on about, just one section of her story.

And Cassie herself, in her conversations with Cissie, is having what are largely meta commentary discussions about the way the fandom and the 90s treated female characters, particularly in positioning Cassie as the afterthought of the Core Four.

Like, no doubt, Cissie gets stuck being nominated to be the character getting somewhat villainised to drive the plot forward. But again, part of why Cissie ends up in that role is that she's simply a less important character. Cissie's main trait that even the fans want to argue for her to show is "I don't want to be a hero, I don't want to be here". (See for instance everyone yelling for Cissie to get out of costume and go home in Green Arrow). And that's the thing. Even in her civilian aspect, she has rarely appeared on page, and even in storylines after YJ98 which mentioned her she occasionally never showed up. If Cissie and Cassie are really supposed to be best friends, where has Cissie been? It's worth poking at.

Cassie is arguing for her growth, and her complex history, and her leadership. She's also arguing to be allowed to have the narrative space to have her friends, both male and female, depicted as important to her.

All that said: I don't think the story manages to fully deliver and land the story it's trying to tell. Aspects that let this down as a title and cause drama:

I think part of the issue is the choice to use Mickey Mxyzptlk as the villain, rather than Bedlam. I think the choice of Mickey was taken explicitly for the 5th dimension 'comic story followers' aspect, and also to reflect in Mickey elements of Superboy-Prime and that aspect of Infinite Crisis, given the large effect IC has on this story, without actually making the villain Superboy-Prime and pulling the focus of the story over to what he explicitly had done to Young Justice characters. They clearly wanted to evoke the 'overentitled comic book fan' narrative encapsulated both in the concepts of the Prime universe and the 5th dimension as the villain of the piece to struggle against. The problem is that a lot of fans do not enjoy having that mirror turned so fully upon them, highlighting a view of insider frustrations with their fandom.

If it had been instead Bedlam, who is a world-shaper with a massive immaturity complex, the fundamental shape of the story could have still happened, but would have had the additional veneer of not openly attacking the fandom's idealisation of and nostalgia for Young Justice 1998. More people would have enjoyed the story. However, to make that change the story would have had to drop openly wrestling with the topic of fans demanding versions of characters that eliminate their intervening growth. It would still have underlaid the plot and gone down smoother, but also would have largely been overlooked and ignored by the fans the message was trying to talk to.

Would a spoon full of sugar have been a better narrative choice than what amounted to a take that? I think there are arguments either way, and many of the fans the message was targeted at have responded to it in any case by rejecting and ignoring it.

In addition, both Megan Fitzmartin and Laura Braga are less across the exact details of the characters and Young Justice 1998 than they really needed to be, which leads to a handful of art and plot screw ups that I feel let people dismiss the story. "Look they depicted Empress as a villain! They don't know what they're talking about!" and so on. Fitzmartin tends to write in ways where I can tell she's read things, but equally it was a while since she last read them (it's part of why her characterisation work often feels a little skewed to the fan versions of characters that she remembers or has developed in her head rather than following on from a recent writer/appearance). Just general editorial cleaning up of mistakes like this would have helped because I see a lot of people arguing that these silly mistakes are reasons the story is bad and they don't like it, when clearly they're actually discomforted by the plot itself.

Overall however, I think that Fitzmartin manages to successfully make the points she clearly wanted to make. The problem is that the fandom very much did not want to hear some of those points, and so rejected the story. People don't like to hear ‘you have to let go of what you idealise, not all change is bad and we exist in a universe where things have changed and throwing a tantrum about it doesn’t achieve what you want’, especially if they came in hoping to see their favourite characters having an adventure, and instead received a deconstruction of their favourite title.

I don't so much think I enjoyed it as a story, as it was quite heavy handed in places, but I do respect the analysis and commentary of the run, particularly in how it presented a coherent reason for why the Young Justice generation were so completely overlooked and excluded from discussions of who is a legacy and who steps forward happening in the main storyline of Dark Crisis.

I don't agree with all the conclusions, but I was interested in watching the argument.

[hiyashortking]

Lucifer's Jealousy

Disclaimers and credit: read this post before reading any of my content, please.

Premise: Lucifer has a tough time with jealousy, but you’re tired of waiting for him to settle down on his own. It’s time to talk!

On the first day, you told yourself Lucifer is entitled to his feelings. You’d known the devil to struggle with jealousy based on his unnecessary conflict with Alastor. Even on the second day of pouting, furrowed brows, and mumbling to himself, you had patience. But on the ninth day, you wondered how you ended up in hell when you had the patience of a saint.

“Lucifer, honey,” you begin, settling down next to him on one of the couches in the lobby of the hotel, where he sat with his arms crossed, fuming. His eyes turned fully red a few days ago. His horns came out sometime last night while you slept.

You could see how physical touch helped to settle him. Some of the tension in his face and body seemed to dissipate when you snuggled up against him. You sometimes tried to make yourself seem smaller than him, even though you weren’t, because when you did this he switched from bumbling dork to nurturing daddy. You hoped that’s what would happen but you hadn’t seen the reasonable daddy from him in days.

And why was the King of Hell so upset? At first you worried your casual flirtiness would offend him, but you’d been yourself since y’all started fucking and though you’d seen some challenge in his glare, it didn’t seem like jealousy to this extent. You saw each other every day. You took turns doting on each other. Him with his money, power, charm, and experience. You mostly with your words.

You: Sweetheart, what can I do? How can I help you get through whatever is troubling you?

Lucifer, sighing: I’ll be fine. Thank you for checking in with me.

You: But wouldn’t it be nice if we figured this out together? I hate seeing you like this for so long. I want to see you smile again.

Lucifer softened a bit more. Were you finally getting through to him, or was he only just becoming exhausted by his feelings?

You: Can you please at least tell me what happened?

Lucifer sighed again. With every sigh, you could feel him loosening up against your body.

Lucifer: I’m sorry I’ve been so unfair to you this week.

You didn’t add that this was his behavior last week as well.

Lucifer: I don’t know what it is about her, but I just can’t stand it when–

You, against your better judgment, since interrupting him when he’d only just started to open up was not your best idea: Her? Her who?

Lucifer: Huh? Charlie, of course.

You: Charlie?!

Lucifer: Yes, I don’t understand how Lilith-

You: LILITH?!

Lucifer: Yes, and the bus boy-

You: ALASTOR?!?!

Lucifer: Wha- yes, honey. Are you feeling well?

For nine fucking days you thought his pouting was about you! You thought he was so madly, obsessively in love with you that something strange and minor, something you didn’t even notice yourself, drove him into a jealous rage. Once the shock and, what, disappointment? had their turns in your head, you started laughing.

Lucifer: What- what is happening right now?

You, holding your stomach as you laughed: This whole time, I thought you were jealous over ME.

For as many millennia as he’d been alive, Lucifer’s ability to process hadn’t evolved at all. He sat dumbfounded as you laughed at yourself and how foolish and self-centered your thinking had been.

You felt him put his head on your shoulder and an arm around your back. You heard him sigh again, though did it sound a little happier? You wiped the tears from your eyes and looked at him resting against you. His horns were gone. His eyes were closed.

Lucifer: “You make me feel so safe that even when I think I would normally get jealous, I just trust you and feel happy for you instead.”

You: “Wha-”

Lucifer: “When you flirt with people, I just somehow believe that you’ll still be with me a moment later, and you have been so far. I mean- I get my hiccups here and there, and I think sometimes I even like getting possessive over you, but it’s been mostly sexual. With you, I don’t stay up at night wondering if you’ll kick me out or leave me, I just … sleep.”

You: “Lucifer …”

Lucifer: “Just one more comment and I’ll shut up. Seeing you laugh made me feel so much better. I want to make you laugh as often as I can.”

This sweet, tender little man was going to destroy you.

But also, NINE DAYS JEALOUS OVER CHARLIE AND LILITH, AND CHARLIE AND ALASTOR?

Now it was your turn to act like a baby for days.

[ko-existing]

I am the kind of person that’s really into sociology and politics, for years since I was young I’ve been so completely involved in this kind of life and figuring these kinds of patterns, I’ve written and published notes and essays and what-not. I just found out about AV/ND and I realise that this is the first time I’m having my intelligence actually tested, if I’m willing to see past what my eyes see and what my mind tells me - to understand and know that there was never a me. Because I’ve stood believing and acting upon the entirely opposite story, labels upon labels I’ve given myself.

This seems so difficult, how can I just give up and not care about any of this? It seems so real and I feel like an idiot if I just do nothing and say it’s not real when I can see it. I WANT to know myself but my own mind is telling me not to, that I shouldn’t, that I’ll be an idiot if I even tried. It’s a seemingly real battle I have to fight .. with seemingly no one.

Seeing through what seems to be doesn’t mean dismissing 'your' 'passions' or "not caring" about anything. Realizing the foundation of it all, " " / "awareness" , doesn’t imply abandoning "life" or becoming indifferent to things that seem to matter to you. If you’re drawn to sociology and politics, explore them.

I like reading articles about planets, the universe, antarctica, learning new languages and watching videos about how much Elon Musk / Tesla sucks.

Recognizing everything as an appearance doesn’t prevent you from engaging with it—it only shifts how you relate to it and noticing the foundation, everything = nothing, gives way to infinite experiences.

Just like how in a dream, you might engage with others, feel emotions, or explore interests without questioning the dream itself, here too, there’s nothing wrong with engaging in what interests you. Are they Actuality? No.

Even monks, who are often symbols of detachment, still eat, chant, study, and do their roles in the monastery—they don’t simply sit and let days drift by.

So if sociology, writing, or political thought interests you, follow it. None of it changes the underlying reality, and it doesn’t mean "being indifferent." It’s simply a deepened Knowing that while you’re engaging fully, you’re also noticing that the "you" who engages is not as separate or fixed as it might seem.

[madbard]

“Ford is irredeemably self-centered” this, “Ford’s a bad person” that, etc…

Alright. Tell me then.

What was he supposed to do?!?!

Be a better brother? Ford loved Stan! When they were children, Ford took care of his brother as best he could. But Ford was also a kid in a bad situation, and there were limits to what he could do. Not to mention that Stan relied so heavily on Ford that it honestly wasn’t healthy for either of them. Stan couldn’t stand by himself and he wasn’t trying. They were both struggling; maybe pin that on the parents instead of the kids.

Not be angry at Stan for messing with his experiment? Of course Ford was angry! This was his dream college; in that moment he thought his entire future was crumbling. I assure you, if my sibling had ruined my chances of getting into my dream school I would have been more than a little upset, and I’m sure the same goes for most of the people reading this. Of course, Ford did hold onto that anger for considerably longer than was justified, but in this case I would argue that Ford less “held a grudge for 10 years out of spite” and more “never got the chance to make things right with his brother and held onto that anger because it was better than the nauseating guilt over that final argument, the uncertainty at times that his brother was even alive.” (Which is not to say that Ford isn’t spiteful. Our man has plenty of spite. But him being spiteful is not the only thing going on here.) Which brings us to our next point.

Stop Stan from being kicked out? How?! That household does not appear to have been a safe place for either of the brothers. Should Ford have gotten himself kicked out too? Should he have known exactly what to say to talk his father down - the man who just violently threw his twin out of the house? Ford didn’t kick Stan out. He just wasn’t able to stop it from happening, and that’s not something any teen should be blamed for.

Behave himself when reuniting with Stan at the culmination of the worst period of his life thus far? There’s stress. And then there’s being dangerously sleep-deprived and at the mercy of a horrifying demon that betrayed you, leaving you alone in a shack in the woods with no one to call for help except your estranged brother, who’s complaining about a mullet, of all things. Yeah, I’m not going to say Ford’s behavior was anything other than atrocious here. But really. How well would you handle that?

Thanked his brother? Stan could have destroyed the universe; it makes sense that Ford’s upset! He’s also had literally decades to stew in the terror and fury he experienced in those last moments before falling through the portal (something which almost certainly would not have happened if it weren’t for Stan). Again, Ford’s not acting like the world’s best brother here, but it’s understandable.

Ford’s not perfect. He can be arrogant, spiteful, and bitter. He makes serious mistakes (often due to his own hubris) that put himself, his loved ones, and sometimes the entire universe in grave peril. Ford is, in fact, deeply flawed. That’s part of what makes him a fun character! It’s also what makes him a well-written and believable character. Yes, Ford acts like a jerk. He does so quite often.

Ford also spends nearly the entire narrative bouncing from one deeply toxic situation to another, desperately trying to survive and make life better for himself and his family and watching as his brother makes mistake after mistake - sometimes making choices with severe, negative consequences on Ford’s own life.

Ford is doing the best he can. He’d not a bad person. He tries to be good. He tries to do the right thing.

He just fails sometimes.

Don’t we all?

[whentherewerebicycles]

here are three things about the baby:

he seems to visibly understand a couple of commonly repeated phrases now (???). I too thought this seemed insane (he’s so little!!!) but the internet seems to think this is not that unusual at his age. when he’s lying down on a flat surface I say “ready? ready? ready?” in an excited voice and he starts grinning hugely and lifts his hands up to mine and braces his neck so I can slowly pull him up into a sitting position (we call these baby sit-ups haha). and then the more devastating one is that my mom taught him to “give a kiss.” you’re either holding him or have him sitting up facing you and you say “owen, owen, can you give me a kiss?” and he opens his mouth wide, leans forward, and puts his mouth very gently against your cheek. he will do this each time you ask him. 😭😭😭😭😭 it’s too much!!!!! I don’t actually know how much of it is him recognizing phrases vs. recognizing body language and situations… I remember from my reading about dog training that dogs learn to recognize the environment first, then the body language cue/gesture, then the words last of all, so maybe he’s just picking up on repeated situations. but it’s still so amazing to me. like we’re not THAT far from him being able to talk and really understand. I can’t wait to hear his little speaking voice wahhhh

he is REALLY into his hands lately and loves watching them move around. before naps or bedtime I’ll cradle him against my chest and sing to him for a long time, and he will lift his little baby hands in front of his face and make them “dance” ie do these slow graceful little gestures to the music. he’s also just sooooo mesmerized by music. A gave him a little mandolin concert yesterday and he just stared at her without blinking the whole time she was playing.

it’s so fun to watch him start to problem solve. he is absolutely obsessed with this toy that’s just a flat sheet of crinkly paper. BUT he’s also obsessed with putting stuff in his mouth right now so he can chomp on it and it’s hard to get a flat sheet of paper into his mouth in a way you can satisfyingly nom nom nom on. so this morning I watched him spend a solid five minutes (an eternity in baby time) experiment with different ways of crumpling up the paper so he could shape it into something he could really sink his teeth into. it’s so funny because he’ll work at a problem like this with total focus and then he’ll get frustrated and start SHRIEKING and then he’s like no no we must persist this paper isn’t going to nom nom nom itself!!! and resumes trying. it’s so relatable ahaha I too often have to take shriek breaks in the middle of projects before I can continue.

[noxlysium]

Why Jean is so important to me

Welcome to my insane ramblings, enjoy your stay (or don't). Most of this is also very self-indulgent, by the way. Warning: Mentions of abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, self-destructive thoughts I'd also like to remind you that this isn't me justifying Jean's behavior in any way, he's a fucking asshole and doesn't know how to handle Harry, or himself. They're both flawed individuals and that's okay. This is just me talking about my own experiences. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to the actual thing.

I'm not even sure where to start. When I first found out Jean had clinical depression, I immediately felt a connection. It's relatable. Very relatable, in fact. I myself have been depressed for years. It all started at a young age, I was about 13, but due to trauma it could be very much earlier than that. I don't remember much from my childhood because most of it are bad memories. I'm 21 now and still going through a lot of shit, so it's been about 8 years. Jean strikes me as a guy who has been fucked over his entire life, no matter where he goes or what he does. It always comes back to him. After I have finished DE for the first time and looked more into the lore of Jean and Harry, I started to notice the similarities between the relationship with him and Harry, and the relationship with me and my own parents.

I know what alcohol does to people, I've seen it all. And it's not great for either parties. I'm stuck in a repetitive cycle of wanting to help someone to get better, only to realize that they don't want to get better and then I start building hope again. Rinse and repeat. I know I cannot change them. But I keep hoping for a change anyway, and get upset when it never comes. Of course it doesn't. No matter what I've tried. I have tried so many times. I'm a fucking hypocrite because I sometimes drink as well. I don't want to become like them. I drink for fun every once in a while and try to not over-do it, because every time I touch alcohol, something in the back of my mind tells me I'm becoming like my father. I thought about smoking a few times, but I don't want to destroy myself like my mother does. I'm really fucking scared of smoking and its consequences. Which is funny, because I should be as scared when it comes to alcohol, but I'm not. They both drink every day at 3 pm, after work. Every single day.

And it has been like this for years. Nothing has ever changed. A few months ago I had an actual discussion with my parents. We usually never have these sort of conversations (That's the issue, by the way. A very big lack of communication. Does that ring any bells?) and I was actually surprised when they told me they wanted to lay off the alcohol. I tried to approach the topic carefully and even offered them help (therapy etc.) but.. they also didn't want that. They straight up told me they don't need help. Which is really fucking frustrating because I want them to understand that they do, but they don't care.

I know change is really fucking hard and I've been there, but my parents had so many opportunities to change and never took them. Nothing has changed for so many years and I'm tired of it. I'm waiting for a change to happen but I know it's never coming anyway. I'm tired, mad, disappointed. That's how Jean feels about Harry, he just doesn't know how to help him and is an ass about it. And I'm just letting it happen, because there's nothing else I can do. I'm watching them destroy themselves every day and it fucking hurts. Something in me still feels a tiny flame of hope, when in reality that flame is already extinguished. I want people to understand, my father really fucking reminds me of Harry. The emotional abusive, the physical abuse, the alcoholism, the sexist remarks.. It just screams Harry. Especially given with how he had been around people Pre-Martinaise, which I have read in the game inside the damaged ledger. The fact that I love Harry to a certain degree says a lot of things.

The marriage between my parents is like if Dora never left Harry, and it's fucking awful.

-

That is mostly why I can relate to Jean so much. There's also some smaller things and I'll get to those now.

He fucking sucks at feelings. You can see it with the way he's trying to handle Harry, and it's not working.. Which, yeah. I suck at those too.

He likes to hide his sadness underneath a layer of cynicism and sarcasm as a coping method.. I do this all the fucking time.

Let's face it, this man is a fucking nervous wreck. He picks at his facial hair and displays a lot more habits like that, like him fixing his clothes (even though they look clean, according to one of the skills in the game), running his hand through his hair.. I do this without even realizing it.

He's depressed and fucking empty on the inside. He most likely hasn't felt real love from anyone or for himself in years. He needs therapy (lots of it), anti-depressants and a hug.. And I know what that feels like. I know it too well.

Lastly, he's a fucking mess. Like in every single way imaginable.. Again, very relatable.

Jean is such an amazing character for me to project on, to relate to and to find comfort in. I'm glad they made him fucked up, because that's what I love about him. He has so many flaws and I love every single one of them. He's in the game for like 15 minutes or less, but the impact he's had on me is insane. I've had a fair share of characters I would obsess over, but Jean hits different.

I'm so glad Jean-Heron Vicquemare exists, because I wouldn't know where I would be if I never met him. I want to thank my lovely friend (who is not on here, but I'm still saying it because I care about him a lot) for gifting me this amazing game.

And I want to thank you for reading this mess of a post.

If you have made it this far, I want to show you one last thing.