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borathae · 6 months ago

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Chapter 20

oh what happened to her parents and cookie? when did the fire happen? it says years but years could 2 to 20 but she feels like someone who wont say 2 years sooo ancient, uk? so im going to guess 5+ years ago to 19 years max wait how old is our baby?

And who is that shadow sitting in the dark? WHOS THAT SHADOW HOLDING ME HOSTAGE IVE BEEN HERE FOR DAYS (stockholm syndrome by 1d)

omg we could have died and become a vampire and yoongi as our sire woah WOW idk if thats hot daddy or literal dad SHIT FREUD WOULD HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH THIS

THERE ARE MORE VAMPIRES IN THOSE TUNNELS/FOREST AREA??

why does yoongi care? is it the caring of an old person who lived life and wants better life for the young ones or some motive? i dont get it

yay 2seok 😭we are hurt again 💀 honestly how do they put up with her? (no hate to her), like where is the mom mode? the i told you so? like why are you such caring besties? also why am i feeling like oc is a character themself and me at the same time??? like i dont want her to be scolded, heck she didnt know shit but i wanna be scolded???

“They didn’t, she is just being dramatic. I fed her my blood before she could die, she’ll heal”, Yoongi answers him dryly. wow so normal, and good news

also rip dogecoin dog

jin i doubt you wanna call him a vermin

I am tired of vampires messing with my brain.” mood

oh somebody crying on ur chest and u cant do anything other than tell them "they are strong and was just a child, was never their fault" you know it does nothing much for them, but some comfort for the night, a little amount of time until the pain and demons are back again, that shit hurts a lot, eat me away but i have to strong and fine for her cuz she deserves it fuck im rambling bye lol

Hoseok was nice enough to carry a TV up to your room and install it on your dresser. he is the man yall 😭😭😭

I don’t want to be the one doing the finishing blow.” .. “How are you so sure?” CUZ U DID THIS TO URSELF INSTEAD OF HURTING HER KOOK, U STILL HATE URSELF, filled with guilt and self loath, it shows ur humanity and the fact that its better you than anyone else heal please, let yourself heal. you did whatever you could, everything is not in your control and hence is not your fault

did jin put hard raisins in the cookies??? i soak them, that way they are chewy in the soft cookies

I feel like a bitch, but fuck it’s getting so exhausting to pretend that their sweet gestures are working.” ... “Because I don’t want to hurt them. They are doing so much for me”.. "I don’t want to hurt them by telling them that what they are doing is working shit.” wow somebody really decided to call me out

“Shit ___, I thought he liked you. Why would he do that to you?” fr, that too he tried to protect with the ring and stuff, what did they do to him?

YES SHE CONNECTED THE DOTS MY SMART BABY I LOVE U I smelled orange blossoms and cedarwood ooh thats what they smell like

Why k-kill me for it? W-what, what did do to them?" changed taehyung and they hated it i guess

If I hadn’t angered them so much or provoked them so much maybe they wouldn’t have hurt me." NO U DIDNT BABY, ITS ALL THEIR FAULT

Jungkook watches you as you blow your nose and wipe your eyes ... you force down a new wave of sobs... you hit your own chest to get rid of the pain. fuck that pain, that hurts a lot

He knows that gesture, he had done it a million times before in his lonely, isolated life. And it rips him apart to see you having to do it too. You should never have had to feel so broken. fuck i feel the same, knowing how much that hurts and never want them to feel, but kook and her are hurt and nothing can change it

its funny that you never feel the same for yourself, you felt that for somebody, now change that somebody to yourself whats so hard about it? too hard

“Did you just use my words against me?” stop he is cute im giggling through runny nose

“You’re cute Kook”, you tell him fondly, pinching his cheek. He lowers his eyes and scrunches his nose up UWUW THEY ARE SO CUTE SHUT UP PLS

YOONGI IS GOING TO TEACH THEM??? FUCK YES

“___ stay away, I’m dangerous again”, he squeaks. u were fine just now

right, we cant change his mind, and she cant change her mind either and taehyung just idk ah

You just never should have chatted up Alpha." true, but im sure joon would get to us somehow and that means tae and jimin too. maybe it will take longer thats all

“You’re finally done withering away?” he asks coldly. how nice

Hoseok scratches the back of his neck, “yeah uhm, that’s fine too.” pls hes trying his best

“sure, I can smell the honesty in your sweat.” Hoseok smells himself, furrowing his brows. hobi baby really believed for a second there lol

I got broken up by my boyfriend in the rudest way possible and almost died. fr

“Hey”, Jungkook says, waving his hand shyly. HE IS UP AGAIN YAY

“I have my methods, trust me.” ok min suga genius jjang jjang man boong boong

“Nothing, I just can’t stand you.” i just know jimin would have said, then sit down

“W-what?” he stutters, looking at Yoongi with big eyes. EXACLTY LOOK AT LIL BABY, U CANT BE RUDE

“let’s go eat Kook, I’ll show you how to hunt animals.” “Really? You can do that?” Jungkook gasps, seeming excited. YES AND IT BEGINS YALL YEEHAW

“I can’t decide if I like this dude or not” fr hobi

“What did you do in your room yesterday?” she danced to itzy, thats all

“I didn’t slip on the pillow, I tried to kick the pillow and slipped on the carpet which resulted in my twisting my ankle and then falling on my tailbone” beautiful, i can totally see it. cuz i did fall similarly once

“Even better, shit I would have loved to see that”, he wheezes. tag urself, im hobi

Jungkook drags himself into the room, plotting down next to you with a loud yawn that exposes the back of his throat to all of you. wow that too in those pink briefs and socks THAT ARE PULLED UP ALL THE WAY worse than what we wear when delivery guy comes

was he that sleepy he didnt smell her? mood cuz thats the type of vampire i would be, sleeping for hours

“Hey ___”, he says, laughing awkwardly. MOM HES SO CUTE FUCK

“Yeah, ha. Hahaha”, he scratches the back of his neck. He is so flustered, you know he is. 100% i just know his neck would be all red

He seems to be proud, watching Jungkook with a fond smile. So he did it on purpose. Make him chuckle with a funny story and lessen the anxiety he feels. He is so sweet sometimes. irl its jin the ice breaker and its soo good uknow??

“Stop talking to him like that!” you speak up. PERIODT UR SCARING THE BABY

“You will not go to your apartment on your own” fr thanks yoongi what joon or jimin is waiting right there???

“It’s decided then”, you say and drag him with you by the collar of his leather jacket, “come now.” AAH TOO HOT FUCK THE ENEMIES TO LOVERS THING

Protection. You think I’ll let you drive without it?”

It squishes your cheeks and hurts your nose as he pulls it down, making you groan. “Jesus, you want to strangle me?” “Sometimes yeah” I LOVE THEM

That’s the problem with Yoongi. You never know if he was joking or being serious. ngl taehyung did that too, in the previous chapters

“My plants, I need to take care of them”, they are prolly dead 💀

“Aaaah that”, you smirk. “Princess seriously, invite me inside.” FUCK SHE IS REALLY TEASING AND TESTING HIS NON-EXISTING PATIENCE thats both hot and funny as fuck, sorry yoongles 😭😭

“I don’t like the fucking games you are playing today, you hear me?” “Yoongi pull your knee away this instant” He pulls away immediately and steps back, fixing the heavy rings on his fingers. what a rude but cute distinguished gentleman

oof what a bad boi “You are such a freaking dick, no wonder you have no friends” shots fired oof

WOW HOLY SHIT JIMIN WAS WAITING THERE LIKE A JOBLESS IDIOT

If he would have been the one to find you….” he trails off, blinking rapidly. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? WHO?? NAMJOON YOU MEAN??

“you are literally such a good person and I fucking hate it.”yup figured that “You made him good. Taehyung, you gave him back his humanity, made him vulnerable, reminded him what happiness feels like and I hate you for doing this to him.” there, asshole said it

I just hate that you are the reason Taehyung hurts.” but its you tho, use 2 braincells for that

“….did you get it?” his voice slowly comes back again, as if you were finally submerging from water, “Save. Him.” bruh, leave his alone for that

OH YOONGI FUCK WHERE WERE YOU, no actually its good u stayed inside, we got some info

damn this was long anyways feelings were feelings, emotional as fuck now

in Sanguis Alpha she is around 23-24 and the thing with Cookie happened when she was around 10 😭

omg we could have died and become a vampire and yoongi as our sire woah WOW idk if thats hot daddy or literal dad SHIT FREUD WOULD HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH THIS

that would actually be so hot nfdnasf 🥵

THERE ARE MORE VAMPIRES IN THOSE TUNNELS/FOREST AREA??

SCARY SHIT LIKE HELLOO

why does yoongi care? is it the caring of an old person who lived life and wants better life for the young ones or some motive? i dont get it

gaah these are the right questions indeed 👀

also rip dogecoin dog

THE DOG DIED??? why would you just drop that so casually noo omfg I'm genuinely so sad right now 😭😭

jin i doubt you wanna call him a vermin

JFAJDSF he gives no fucks and I admire him for that <3

no but I love that she has Hobi to comfort her :( he is such a good person and amazing friend 😭

Hoseok was nice enough to carry a TV up to your room and install it on your dresser. he is the man yall 😭😭😭

him him him him him !!!!!!!

I SOB BECUASE OF HIM HE IS SO 😭😭😭😭

did jin put hard raisins in the cookies??? i soak them, that way they are chewy in the soft cookies

jfjadjf I feel like no matter he would have prepared him, Kookie would have hated them fnadsnf

I feel that, I'm sorry you have to feel this way :(

“Shit ___, I thought he liked you. Why would he do that to you?” fr, that too he tried to protect with the ring and stuff, what did they do to him?

LIKE SERIOUSLY WHAT?????

Why k-kill me for it? W-what, what did do to them?" changed taehyung and they hated it i guess

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

If I hadn’t angered them so much or provoked them so much maybe they wouldn’t have hurt me." NO U DIDNT BABY, ITS ALL THEIR FAULT

PLEASE SOMEONE HOLD HER

I feel so sad for them please 😭😭😭😭

its funny that you never feel the same for yourself, you felt that for somebody, now change that somebody to yourself whats so hard about it? too hard

YES 100% that's me for real

“Did you just use my words against me?” stop he is cute im giggling through runny nose

hoihihiihihih <3 him <3

YOONGI IS GOING TO TEACH THEM??? FUCK YES

I LOVE THIS ENERGY FNNF

You just never should have chatted up Alpha." true, but im sure joon would get to us somehow and that means tae and jimin too. maybe it will take longer thats all

yes 100% it would have happened regardless, especially because Tae clearly had an interest in her (in whatever way) from the beginning, so it would have definitely happened

“You’re finally done withering away?” he asks coldly. how nice

he is so kind and sweet and loving <33 :)

Hoseok scratches the back of his neck, “yeah uhm, that’s fine too.” pls hes trying his best

he is just a lil pookie :( <3

“sure, I can smell the honesty in your sweat.” Hoseok smells himself, furrowing his brows. hobi baby really believed for a second there lol

“I have my methods, trust me.” ok min suga genius jjang jjang man boong boong

he would probably throw you if you said that to him at this point of the story fjasdjf

“Nothing, I just can’t stand you.” i just know jimin would have said, then sit down

lmaooao I meaaan

“W-what?” he stutters, looking at Yoongi with big eyes. EXACLTY LOOK AT LIL BABY, U CANT BE RUDE

HE JUST A LIDDOL BABY (he is meant to be a dangerous killer)

“let’s go eat Kook, I’ll show you how to hunt animals.” “Really? You can do that?” Jungkook gasps, seeming excited. YES AND IT BEGINS YALL YEEHAW

LETS GOOOO

“Even better, shit I would have loved to see that”, he wheezes. tag urself, im hobi

lmaooaoa me for real

NO BUT HE IS SO CUTE LIKE I NEED HIM

was he that sleepy he didnt smell her? mood cuz thats the type of vampire i would be, sleeping for hours

thiiss or maybe Yoongi's training is starting to work ohohooh

“Hey ___”, he says, laughing awkwardly. MOM HES SO CUTE FUCK

I love him :')

“Yeah, ha. Hahaha”, he scratches the back of his neck. He is so flustered, you know he is. 100% i just know his neck would be all red

yes gaaah I jujst ufcking locve him

yes gosh I miss him </3

“You will not go to your apartment on your own” fr thanks yoongi what joon or jimin is waiting right there???

I love protective Yoongi fnfnf

“It’s decided then”, you say and drag him with you by the collar of his leather jacket, “come now.” AAH TOO HOT FUCK THE ENEMIES TO LOVERS THING

GIRL I FORGOT I WROTE THIS AND LOST MY FUCKING MIND UFKCKCKCKCKKCKC

the meme is me for sanguis Yoongi for fucking real

It squishes your cheeks and hurts your nose as he pulls it down, making you groan. “Jesus, you want to strangle me?” “Sometimes yeah” I LOVE THEM

ngnnfadnfn THEM THEM THEM fuck they were so exiciting

That’s the problem with Yoongi. You never know if he was joking or being serious. ngl taehyung did that too, in the previous chapters

an i oop-

“My plants, I need to take care of them”, they are prolly dead 💀

honestly? 100%

“Aaaah that”, you smirk. “Princess seriously, invite me inside.” FUCK SHE IS REALLY TEASING AND TESTING HIS NON-EXISTING PATIENCE thats both hot and funny as fuck, sorry yoongles 😭😭

FUKCCKKC I LOVE THEM FUCKKC I WANT THEM TO HATE FUC-

he is all like "i may be a cunt but i ain't about that sexual harassment" JAHHAHA

oof what a bad boi “You are such a freaking dick, no wonder you have no friends” shots fired oof

THEY WERE SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER GAAH

WOW HOLY SHIT JIMIN WAS WAITING THERE LIKE A JOBLESS IDIOT

fajdsjfajds

If he would have been the one to find you….” he trails off, blinking rapidly. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? WHO?? NAMJOON YOU MEAN??

whooo does he mean helloo??

I just hate that you are the reason Taehyung hurts.” but its you tho, use 2 braincells for that

no but what if he isn't lying then waht?? hellooo???

OH YOONGI FUCK WHERE WERE YOU, no actually its good u stayed inside, we got some info

HAHAHAH you're like "good thing we almost died"

#asks: sanguis alpha #asks #minusback #tw: long post

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cornflowerbluefinch · 2 years ago

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* shares one of our age regression fics * T: ....Huh. Is this based on things a lot of your alters feel or is this all fictional? Me: The hell do I know lmao

we may show our therapist some of our fics

this may end terribly, who knows

#no i didn't say it like that but i honestly truly don't know #i'm sure if freud wanted to read a few of them though he would have a fucking field day with them though

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aemiron-main · 2 years ago

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“milkvan is supposed to be romantic/mike had a crush on El/the duffers and directors set it up to look romantic we’re supposed to take it seriously romantically”

oh. ok. we’re supposed to take the couple that went “will you be like you brother?” and “no-well yeah I guess-“ before they kissed in a room with a giant rainbow on a bulletin board in it seriously? while she was wearing his sister’s dress no less? a sister who she is constantly fucking paralleled to?

milkvan has something that byler doesn’t have that automatically disqualifies it from being taken as seriously romantically as byler: familial parallels. byler, two best friend boys who would usually be referred to as brothers are never even referred to as anything CLOSE to brothers even ONCE in the show. And yet Mike and El have an absolutely fucking Insane number of brother-sister and father-daughter and “paralleled to eachother’s parents in general” parallels. milkvan is not intended by the duffers nor the directors nor anyone else on the ST production team to be taken seriously and especially not as seriously as byler. if it was, they wouldn’t have included the insane number of familial parallels.

I’m not saying that milkvan is incest: I’m saying that there’s no fucking point to those parallels outside of being used to indicate a platonic, non romantic bond from the start.

Freud would have a fucking field day with some of you guys fr. It’s one thing to not be Aware of the milkvan familial parallels- it’s another to be aware of them and still try and claim that the duffers were trying to set up a genuine, meant-to-be-taken-seriously romance/crush between Mike and El.

Some elements of Mike and El’s relationship ARE framed and presented as being romantic on the surface- because they’re kids figuring themselves out AND because how the fuck are the duffers supposed to pull a straightbait if they don’t set the “straight” part of it up first?? It’s literally a show that talks about people who only look at the curtain vs people who look behind it. but the show has to set up that curtain- and the curtain in this case is setting up Mike and El to seem like a romantic couple but putting enough subtext (and blatant text frankly) such as mike’s lack of attraction to girls, the fact that the “pretty” parallels (right down to the soundtrack) indicate that the “pretty” scene was 100% not intended to be romantic, the familial parallels, etc etc etc to indicate that Mike and El aren’t actually romantic/attracted to eachother, esp mike towards El. That’s the “behind” the curtain part.

Like please be fr. We’re supposed to take the “‘she’s my cousin’, ‘will you be like my brother’, wearing my sister’s clothes and makeup, El paralleled to Karen and mike paralleled to Ted, mike paralleled to hopper and brenner, El paralleled to Nancy, milkvan parallled to stancy, ‘we should send her to an asylum,’ lying monologue, can’t say ‘I love you’ to her conscious face without Will in the room even once, etc” ship seriously????

That’s part of why I’m so big on gay Mike too: because if Mike was genuinely ever into El/in love with her, they would be telling a story of falling out of love, mike and El would have some beautiful but heart wrenching rain fight parallel scene. But they don’t. Their rain fight parallel scene is a scene played for gags at the mall (where they’re talking about family/mike’s grandma yet AGAIN and El is paralleled to her bc mike says he was buying a gift for nana but was actually looking for one for El and also Mike has dialogue that parallels Hopper) where “cold as ice” by foreigner plays (a song about shallow, surface-level relationships and commercialism and that was literally said by foreigner to be their most pop-like, surface level, commercialized song) and where El laughs and giggles with Max and isn’t sad at ALL about dumping mike.

Like honestly some of you guys have some serious audacity comparing Will’s pain and heartbreak in scenes like the post rain fight and during rain fight scenes to El’s pain/scenes like the mall. Does El suffer in her relationship with Mike? Absolutely. But even El herself says that Mike is her first boyfriend and what she’s consistently MORE upset about is the lying. Because mike’s always said that “friends don’t lie” so mike lying to her = not friends & she doesn’t want to lose him as a friend. I just really think it’s actually absurd to compare (compare in a way that claims they’re equal) Will’s scenes and heartbreak especially in s3 to El’s scenes regarding Mike. Will was fucking sobbing in the dark and the rain and traumatized and using a baseball bat (representative of his homophobic father) to destroy his safe place after a fight with Mike, whereas after El’s paralleled fight with Mike, she was giggling with max and eating icecream in bright sunlight. will talked about how he thought they were going to stay in mike’s basement/be together forever and then calling himself stupid for it. El was talking about how Mike is just her “first boyfriend.”

#stranger things #byler #mike wheeler #st analysis #byler analysis #heteronormativity and casual homophobia has some of u guys in a grip fr #milkvan #casual homophobia in the sense that ur so reluctant to believe Mike is gay Because of ur biased notions abt gay men #milkvan familial parallels #mike’s lack of attraction to el

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nomsfaultau · 4 months ago

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Daily ask №32

Finale edition!

This has went on for entirely too long, and since I cannot keep this up, I have decided to officially close the daily asks. So, this is a finale of sorts.

1. What was your favourite question out of all? Or just a question that you found particularly interesting.

2. What was your favourite edition out of all? Aka a favourite ask.

3. Did you expect for this to go on for as long as it did? A month? That's not too long but still. What were your general thoughts about it at the start?

4. What questions you hoped I'd ask but I never did? Just in case you have those. Or take this as a space for rambling.

5. Replying to Tubbo from like the 4th or 5th ask, yes the wife revival does work on your wife too. And Rosalind. Boom they're alive now (if they still want them to be) woohoo

6. Any final words from you or the fault crew? Hope they had fun too in theory. With all of the scenarios that I put them into anyways.

Thank YOU for answering all of those questions, giving me the opportunity to ask them in the first place and giving me the opportunity to get to know you and your creations better. Sorry if I was ever annoying or uncreative or anything like that. GOOD LUCK!! CONTINUE CREATING BECAUSE WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! FAULT MY BELOVED

I'll probably send asks after that too but maybe not every day. So.. be ready : D

its been an honor

1.Undertale ask. Or the swap one. Very difficult to choose. Brain went brrrr and I had to stop myself from making a whole fic.

2. 15, the one about all the symbolism in that bad boy. And Evil Mole. Also the questions about Ranboo inspired new plot points given I was forced to really interrogate that part.

3.I did not! Very long time, and like ~150 questions! I was honestly amazed you kept thinking up more and in such different directions. I think at the start it would be in that format of asking about the mcyt characters involved that it was initially, and so figured there’d be five of them. Obviously that was blown out of the water ^-^

4.I thought Niki might come up, but honestly she’s still in the oven so information given would be subject to change. Or potentially the NPCs.

5.Tubbo: welp we did a whole lotta character growth for no reason!

But for real though everyone is super stoked about it. Makes getting help from Rosalind’s family easier, plus she can safely get supplies from human civilization without needing to worry about discovery. Probably doesn’t really get rid of 100% all Tubbo angst since they still like made that decision and know that about themselves, but still. Feel like everyone (-tommy) might have some reserves because well Foundation employee, but The Blade remembers how she tried to rescue Tommy and so she’s cool in his books. The Rosalind and Wilbur dynamic would be so complicated between the human + Foundation, but nice? helped? nonthreatening?

As for Martha. Oh she is so confused and so old. Very lovely lady, but life on the run is not meant for her at all. Not necessarily shocked about all the anomalies since she was less skeptical than Rhodes. Also her husband is now the kid she raised, which is like strange ngl. Freud would have a field day with this one.

6.They’re mostly relieved with the scenarios, since they tend to be a nice laidback break from the Foundation. Plus the cookies were nice. Nom.

As for me, thank you for caring so much about the story I’ve poured so much love into! From the start I kinda just intended to throw Fault out into the void to get it out of my head, and the fact little Creetures have decided to gather around a poke it is very warming. Especially having actual conversations, translating abstract numbers into real people. Making it seem real. Like, talking, connecting with someone through it, its very overwhelming in a positive way.

#ask #wlwdwtys ask #O7 #something to nom on #fault au #sbi scp au

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satrryeys4eva · 2 years ago

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why do most targaryens have mommy or daddy issues sometimes even both LET THEM BREATHE

Incest is a hell of a drug.

(I'd fucked up too if my uncle dad or sister wife were that crazy)

But honestly it's from the fact that because of incest none of the relationships are healthy.

And most women who marry into the trag fam end up dying tragically so they can't raise their kids, or like alicent all of their kids are a product of rape,(men who marry into the fam don't count because their kids take the last name of the dad so they aren't counted as targs)

The Targ's "keep it in the fam" shit also causes unhealthy attachments to form as in the toxic incest relationship of thier parents they see their future .

That's not even counting the fact that they are told their inter lives from ridiculously young ages that any love or care they feel for their fam is inherently romantic attraction because they are targs.

Anyway Freud would have a total field day with them

#asoif/got #hotd #house targaryen #Targaryen #team green #dance of the dragons #house of the dragon #a song of ice and fire #game of thrones #hotd meta #asoiaf #asoiaf meta #got meta

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unhingedwomandiaries · 7 months ago

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Right, so I'm sitting here at stupid o'clock last night, proper buried in this Dexter book (because apparently I need MORE psychopaths in my life), when my brain goes completely mental. Like, full-on possessed by the Ghost of Childhood Snacks Past or something. GUMMY WORMS, it starts screaming at me. Not just a little whisper, mind. We're talking full-volume, bouncing-off-the-skull-walls shrieking like some sugar-crazed howler monkey that's discovered Red Bull.

And I'm there thinking, what the actual bloody hell? I haven't even thought about those radioactive-looking wiggly bastards since I was wearing butterfly clips and thinking S Club 7 was peak culture. But suddenly my brain's acting like if I don't get my hands on some immediately, the world might actually end.

My period app (the lying cow) is trying to tell me I'm ovulating, which is about as likely as me becoming the next Pope. Haven't done that dance in years, thanks very much, so we can scratch "hormones" off the Why Am I Losing My Mind? list.

Maybe it's some weird nostalgia thing? But honestly, those squishy little fluorescent tubes never exactly featured in my highlight reel of childhood memories. And let's be real - there's something proper twisted about the whole ritual, isn't there? You can't just eat the buggers like a normal person. No, you've got to go full serial killer on them - bite their heads off first like some demented candy psychopath, then down the rest in one go like you're performing some dark sugar-based sacrifice.

I mean, Freud would have a field day with this one, wouldn't he? Probably tell me it's all about my repressed whatever-the-fuck and childhood trauma involving worms or some other bollocks that would ruin gummy sweets for me forever.

So here I am, stuck with this manic craving that's appeared out of absolutely nowhere, like my id's decided to throw a massive tantrum in the pick 'n' mix aisle. Because apparently this is my life now - being haunted by the ghost of Haribo past at ridiculous o'clock while reading about serial killers.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

#diary #food

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miekasa · 3 years ago

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speaking of college boys, what do the college au aot babies study??

Okay, okay, I think I’ve talked about this in an ask before but I can’t find it 😭😭 but it’s okay, I love college aus, so I’ll talk about it again! Plus, now I’ve got more thoughts for more characters, so here we go

Levi — neuroscience and psychology of human behavior

He started out on track to do a bachelor of arts in psychology, but when they touched on the anatomy and biological parts of it during his first year lecture, he switched to a bachelor of science.

The focus is still psychology, but through a more clinical lens. Essentially, he gets the best of both worlds this way. He’s intuitive and analytical, so clinical and mental diagnosis is easy to dissect for him. He’s also canonically good at math, so the calculus and stats parts aren’t too bad, either.

This major also leaves him with a few options post-grad, which is a nice bonus for him. He’s likely going to medical school, but that’s not the only route open to him: law school, therapy, lab work, medicine and pharmacy, even teaching are all viable options without going to grad school.

Do not talk to him about Freud unless you wanna get punted off a building.

Be careful with him, because with a single glance he’s already got scarily accurate predictions about your parental and emotional attachment styles, your behavior in social settings, and the onset (or seemingly lack thereof) of your frontal lobe development.

He thinks he’s so smart making comments like, “I see those synaptic connections aren’t working so well for you today,” like mf come here let me lobotomize you and see how well your synaptic connects are working after that🙄

Eren — general health sciences

He’s interested in science and the discovery aspects of it, but picking a specific field of focus right now feels too final. He likes it this way, because his schedule and requirements are less restrictive, and he has more room to find out what really interests him.

He does best when he’s doing something he loves, so picking a major with a bunch of reqs that he couldn’t care less about would have sucked big time for him. It also would have affected his grades. There are still some classes he has to take that he’s not fond of (see: chemistry), but that’s to be expected. Science in general is cool to him and he hopes to make his own discovery some day, even if it’s microscopic.

He also plays a lot of sports, keeping his schedule flexible is important. The sports end up helping him excel academically, which is a nice bonus. Honestly, Eren uses his time at university to learn more about himself than anything, so having control and freedom to do what he likes the majority of the time was important to him.

He uses his elective credits to take philosophy or history courses of his interest, or maybe even a course that you’re in just to spend time with you. He also uses you as a live model for his homework bye, congrats on being patient number one to him.

Armin — astronomy and physics

He’s still interested in marine biology, but unless he attended a school near a coast, or with a specialized integrated program for that, it’s unlikely he’d major in it during undergrad.

Space and ocean exploration aren’t all that different. Both are vast, largely unexplored domains that reel-in Armin’s interest for discovery. So, while studying astronomy, he still gets to study evolution and make his own predictions about what could be out there because there’s so much to know.

Physics comes with the territory of learning about planetary science, and he’s mathematically inclined, so it works out for him. Learning about the different physical properties of other planets and space masses is honestly pretty sick to him. Because math isn’t a struggle, he actually considered aeronautical engineering, but he didn’t want to be a part of the college to military pipeline; that is, he didn’t want any potential design of his to be weaponized.

He still gets to study animal biology through his elective courses, and might even find a few focused on marine animals to satiate him. Plant and cell biology are also of interest to him, and are just further applications of his primary study anyway, so he’s got plenty of room to work with.

This boy is interning at NASA and still, with his whole chest out is like, “I don’t need to discover a new planet, you’re my whole world.” Armin, go check on the Mars rover or something please.

Mikasa — anthropology + minor in japanese language studies

Anthropology is virtually interdisciplinary in nature, and Mikasa is a pretty well rounded student, so she’s able to excel in a program like this. She gets to study history, science, cultural studies, and even a bit of art all at once.

She’s still debating between going to law school vs med school, so anthro this is a good in-betweener. She gets a taste of science through her anatomy and kin courses; and lots of practice with reading and dissecting texts through the historical and cultural lectures. So, when the time comes to decide, she’ll have some experience with both.

Don’t know whether it’s confirmed that she’s (part) Japanese or not, but either way I headcanon that she speaks/spoke some second language at home. She wanted to delve more into it, and courses were offered at the university so why not?

Cultural studies courses end up being her favorite. She likes learning about the history of people and their cultures, and it encourages her to learn more about her own family history and culture. It also propels her to apply for a study abroad opportunity, so she spends at least one semester doing an exchange program and absolutely loves it.

She would also encourage you to apply and go, too. You guys might not be in the same program, but if there’s an applicable program in the same country she’s going to, then she’d definitely want you to apply. Spending the semester away with you would be a dream come true.

Hange — bioengineering + minor in political philosophy and law

It’s almost self-sabotage to be in an engineering program and have a minor; the coursework for engineering alone is backbreaking, and bioengineering has the added weight of human intricacies, but of course Hange makes it possible.

They’re nothing short of a genius, so of course they have time to work a completely unrelated minor into their schedule. It doesn’t surprise anyone that they go on to complete an MD-PhD after undergrad. Insane.

Bioengineering is essentially the synthesis of chemical engineering and health sciences; Hange spends their time exploring biological sciences and applies the engineering aspects of their coursework to their understanding of (and interest in creating) medicine. Truly a one of a kind mind.

They also have an interest in philosophy and justice, so when they found out they only needed a measly nine or ten courses to minor in, they went for it, of course. In honesty, they don’t find the studies all that opposing: both law making and medicine making both have some kind of philosophy or method to them in their eyes.

Hange has... little to no free time pls. They don’t mind it, because they love their coursework, but this means you are essentially ducking into their labs or scrambling to find them in-between their classes during your time in undergrad. They appreciate every second spent with you tho, and will gladly rope you into long discussions about their work.

Jean — biochemistry + minor in art sustainability

He was undeclared his first year, and took a little bit of everything: art, science, history, anthropology, english. Basically, anything that fit into his schedule. It was hard for him to pick one thing—he liked the science and lab applications of STEM courses, but not the math; and the obvious painting and creativity of art, but hated the pretentious air about art history.

What he wants to do is make a difference, which is how he ends up knowing that he wants to go to med school after, so he picks a science-heavy major, but uses his elective spaces to take art courses. When he mixes the two, he ends up on sustainability—and the complexities about it that are applicable to both science and art are what really reels him in.

Interdisciplinary studies end up being his forte. He can approach sustainability from a science perspective which impacts his art style and materials; and tuning into his creative side allows him to think about science not just from a purely clinical perspective, but from a human one, too—patients are people after all.

He believes that everything is connected somehow, even things as seemingly opposite as art and biochemistry. And he works towards finding the unique intersection where everything overlaps. His studies are pretty cool, and he’s very passionate about them, so ask him about it 😌

The art he makes is pretty sick, too, and often commentary about science; he’s proving they’re not so opposite. You also heavily influence his studies in both areas: caring about you so much inspires him to take the healthcare focus seriously, and your very nature is inspiration to his art.

Sasha — nursing

She’s friendly and good at working with people, so nursing was an easy choice for her. She accredits most of her motivation to being around her younger family members, and learns that she finds a simple kind of joy in helping to take care of others.

She struggles a bit her first year when it’s mostly all grades and standardized testing, but when she starts getting clinical experience and working in the hospital on campus, things round out for her.

Patient care is her strongest point. A lot of people often forget that knowing everything isn’t everything; if you don’t know how to calm or even just talk to your patient, you’re not that great of a healthcare professional.

Pretty certain that she wants to work with kids in the future, but she’s open to public health and even being a travel nurse if she finds opportunity there!

Of course, she’s pretty doting when it comes to you and all her friends. She might want to go into pediatrics, but the basics of nursing and health care extend to everyone, so you’re guaranteed to be well taken care of with Sasha around. You might even have to switch roles and take care of her sometimes, because her coursework can get pretty out of hand.

Connie — computer engineering with a focus on game design

He might not look it, but Connie has a brain under that shaved head of his. Computer engineering is cool to him because he basically learns about how simple things he uses every day (ie: phone, computer, microwave) works.

Systems and coding are actually the easy part for him, especially when they get into the application of it and aren’t just stuck looking at examples. That’s how he gets into game design.

The part about math and electricity and magnetic fields… well let’s just say he needed to make friends with someone who likes math and hardware his first year to get through it. But the struggle was worth it, because by his junior year he’s found a professor willing to mentor/supervise him as he works on his game and other projects, so life is good.

His school work is definitely hard, which is why the lives by the mantra of “work hard, party harder.” It’s only fair.

He makes you a little avatar so you can test out his games for him <33 best boyfriend things <33 He’d also… build a game about your relationship. Every level is a different date you guys went on, and he definitely includes something cheesy, like “There are unlimited lives because I love you forever babe <3”

Porco — kinesiology + maybe mechanical engineering

He’s pretty into athletics and working out, but didn’t wanna go down the sports psychology route; he wanted something that left him with a few more options, so he ended up in kinesiology.

He was surprisingly pretty good at biology in high school, so something stem-oriented works out in his favor, and it turns out he’s pretty damn good at anatomy, too. He’ll probably end up in physical therapy after graduation.

He’s also got a knack for cars, which is where the engineering comes in, but he doesn’t care so much for the math part of it (he doesn’t care for it at all actually, fuck that); he just wants the hands on experience of building/fixing things and working with his hands. So, if he can get a minor in it and not struggle through 4 years of math, then he’d do that. If not, he’d take a few workshop-like classes.

Because he wants to go into physical therapy, you are essentially his practice patient. Your back hurts? Not a problem, he’s basically a professional masseuse. Muscle aches? He’s got a remedy and understanding of why it’s happening. Don’t let him catch you hunting over your desk grinding away at your homework, because he will poke your neck and correct your posture (he’ll also massage your shoulders, but after the scolding).

Pieck — classics + minor in philosophy

Ancient studies interest her, but more than that, the language of ancient Greek and Roman culture fascinates her, so classics is the way to go.

Because her focus within Classics ends up being Greek and Latin language studies, she is essentially learning both languages at the same time. She gets farther with Latin that she does with Greek. For whatever reason, the former comes almost naturally to her, so her written and translated work is more complex in Latin.

However, she finds cultural studies relation to Greece more interesting than that of Rome, so it’s a give and take with both; better at languages for Roman studies, better at culture and history for Greek studies.

Her minor is a natural evolution from her primary coursework. Ancient Romans and Greeks set the foundation for a lot of modern day philosophy, so it comes up in her major classes, but she wanted to delve further into the philosophy, and not just look at it historically, so she takes more courses to fulfill the minor.

Can be found laying on a blanket in the quad on a hot day, with her books spread out all around her, highlighter in hand as she works through her reading. You’re always invited to sit with her, and more often than not, it ends up with Pieck’s head in your lap, a book in her hands, and your own schoolwork in yours as you both read in each other’s company.

Bertholdt — computer science and coding

He’s level headed, good at planning, and above all, patient, so he’s cut out for this. He doesn’t consider himself to be particularly creative, which is why he doesn’t pick a speciality with lots of design; but he’s good at streamlining and ideas to life.

The patience really comes in when his code doesn’t run. It’s frustrating to scroll for two hours just to find out that the issue is a missing semi-colon in line 273 that he overlooked, but Berty will sit there until he finds it.

He’s also good at fixing issues. That’s not limited to issues in the code itself; it can mean finding shorter ways to produce the same function or loop, or integrating new aspects into existing code.

Also, he’d just be so cute, coding away on his computer. Just imagine: Berty working on his homework in the library, he’s got his signature crewneck + collared shirt look going for him, his blue-light glasses, a cup of coffee nearly as tall as him sitting at the corner of his desk. Adorable.

He’d make little codes/programs for you, too, even if it’s silly. A simple code that helps you decide what to eat for dinner or where to go on a date, one that shuffles different reminders for you, hell he’ll even forgo the torture of design engineering just to build you a little robot that says “I love you” to you.

Reiner — english + minor in justice & political philosophy

Everyone expects Reiner, star quarterback of the university’s rugby team, to be a business student or communications student; but no, he’s an English major, and he loves it.

Just imagine a guy as huge as Reiner absolutely manhandling someone on the field, just to show up in his lectures with a tiny paperback of The Great Gatsby tucked between his fingers with his reading glasses on. It’s so precious.

He’s always running a bit late to class—either coming from the gym, or practice, or oversleeping from exhaustion—but he’s so sweet to his professors and genuinely interested in the literature that they don’t give him a hard time about it. They can tell that balancing school and sports is difficult, and they just appreciate that he takes his studies seriously.

Yeah he’s in a book club and he dog-ears his books. What about it. They’re doing poetry this month and Reiner actually likes Edgar Allen Poe. Who said jocks can’t be sentimental.

He also reads a lot outside of his classes, and has a soft spot for coming of age stories. He usually empathizes with the main character somehow. His ideal weekend plans after a week of grueling games and essays is taking a long, relaxing shower at your place, while you both share a bottle of wine, and maybe even get you to read a chapter or two of his current book out loud to him.

Annie — clinical psychology/neuroscience

Almost scarily analytical and methodic, so this major was calling her name. Localizing brain legions is… insanely intuitive to her it’s incredible. She’ll be an insanely impressive doctor someday, even if she doesn’t end up working with patients directly.

She doesn’t care too much for the more philosophical/reading heavy parts of psychology. Even experiments and research closer to the social end of the spectrum aren’t all that interesting to her; but the brain science behind it it.

Nobody should be good at cellular biology. Nobody should be able to ace cell bio and neuro and calc and work towards their thesis proposal in the same semester, but Annie proves it’s possible.

Ends up working in one of her professor’s labs by her junior year. She was offered three TA positions working with first year students, but she swiftly turned them down. Teaching isn’t her thing.

She doesn’t bring up her studies to you unprompted, but if you ask her about them she’ll explain it to you. Her notes are color coded and it’s super neat, and very cute; coloring them is somewhat relaxing for her. She usually saves the coloring part for when you guys study together; there’s extra comfort in doing it with you around.

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themurphyzone · 4 years ago

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This post is a combination of the 90s PatB alongside the reboot’s Ep 13. Spoilers below.

So...I was certainly not expecting a flashback in this ep. Great usage of the ‘everyone asks how, but no one ever asks why’ question by Pinky.

No matter the adaptation, Brain is always presented as a mouse with a pathological need for control because he sorely lacked it as a young mouse. When he loses that control, whether in this episode with being locked in a car and taken on a road trip against his will, or in other episodes with different situations, he’ll lose control of himself, the very thing he’s trying to avoid.

Anyways, the flashback presented in this episode can reasonably fit with the origin episodes in the 90s PatB, so I’m gonna try and present these in an order that can fit together, so let’s start off with Leggo My Ego, shall we?

Anyway, Brain starts life as an innocent field mouse. Ain’t he the cutest little thing you’d ever see?

Um...hey guys, maybe we could let the cute mouse baby blow a feather around and be happy?

Nope...oof. Time to begin a life of trauma.

He’s a babey.... He needs hugs! How do you people not have sympathy for him??????

So basically, the 90s cartoon presents several origins and some of them are more contradictory than others. I believe Leggo My Ego and The Visit are the only episodes that mention Brain was originally a wild mouse captured by humans, but it’s generally the most widely accepted origin for him.

In Leggo My Ego, Freud notes that Brain’s desire for world domination appears to be a subconscious desire to return to the simple life he once led.

So..let’s bring in Snowball now.

In this post, I’m trying to be chronological here. In this flashback, Brain describes how he and Snowball were once very close and how he could always make Snowball laugh.

Brain and Snowball grew up together, and Brain genuinely cared about Snowball, even into adulthood when the two became enemies.

They went through the gene splicer together after an experiment gone wrong. The gene splicer exploded and supposedly messed with Snowball’s mind.

Snowball did something that caused him to get kicked out of ACME Lab. The rift became permanent, though what was the exact cause or if clashing ambitions fueled it is unknown.

This event left a permanent mark on Brain, and Pinky himself had never heard about Snowball until he tried to steal one of Brain’s schemes.

But anyway, the exact timeline of the splicing and the break in friendship is unknown. So...I think this flashback in the reboot’s Ep 13: Roadent Trip might fill one of the blanks in on an event that might’ve occurred during Brain’s time with Snowball, before he met Pinky.

Alright, so for this post’s sake, I’m going to present the new flashback as if it took place shortly after Brain’s splicing with Snowball. I’m also going to disregard the 90s PatB episode Project BRAIN, because there’s stronger canon evidence that Brain was born in the wild and that he grew up with Snowball. However, I do enjoy keeping that Brain named Pinky.

Anyways, that’s enough for the introduction. Grab your tissues if you haven’t already.

Pinky: “You’re always trying to work out how to take over the world, but you’ve never told me why you want to take over the world, Brain.”

*moment of silence*

Pinky: “Brain?”

Brain: “If I answer this, you’ll let me expire in peace?”

Honestly, a GIF would do Brain’s reaction justice, because he doesn’t outright dismiss Pinky’s question. He’s more hesitant because he realizes this moment is going to lead to a heart to heart talk, something he’d rather not engage in. And you know what? I can’t recall any instance of Brain admitting to Pinky about why he wanted to take over the world, just how or that he was going to do it with this particular plan.

I think this correlates well with Leggo My Ego above; that Brain doesn’t reflect on the ultimate driving force behind his actions, just that he wants it and he’s going to somehow get it. If he does have a moment of clarity, he always dismisses it and goes right back to the drawing board.

And most importantly, that he just wants love and respect. Does he create his own misery? Yes. But at the same time, he’s sadly a product of the combination of human curiosity and ignorance.

So...I deeply apologize for this tangent real quick before I move onto the rest of this post.

*takes deep breath*

LOOK AT THIS BABY HE’S SUCH A CUTIE I WANNA HUG HIM SO BAD HE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS CRAP YOU WILL LOOK AT HIM AND YOU WILL LOVE HIM

Okay, so like I said before, due to his head shape and how he seems to display early cognitive abilities here, I honestly think the best timeframe for this would be sometime in the 90s, just after his and Snowball’s splicing. Again, Brain was ultimately a child in Snowball, but since he’s the one narrating, we’re led to assume he set his sights on the world right away.

Actually, it seems more likely that while Brain’s capacity for knowledge was enhanced, he still had to make the effort to learn. What he knows as an adult didn’t come all at once. So here, he has cognition, but he’s still fairly optimistic because the weight of the world truly hasn’t set in yet.

Alright, so my explanation is that Snowball was elsewhere in the lab, and that they’re simply separated for the day. Brain was lifted out of an experiment with other mice, and placed directly into a solo study.

The scientists place a huge slice of cheese on a stun plate, with the intention that Brain will be shocked if he tries to go for the cheese. Of course, who would be able to resist having this much food placed in front of them? I certainly wouldn’t.

But the moment he tries to go for the cheese, he gets shocked. But since he’s very much learning, he doesn’t understand why he gets shocked if he steps on the plate.

It’s this pose that makes me believe he’s spliced at this point. Brain adopts that thinking pose well into adulthood. However, he doesn’t really have a plan. He just thinks he’ll succeed if he goes for it enough times, much like the world.

Also, compare his tail shape between this photo and the one above it. Rather fitting for it to be a lightning bolt, is it not? Mice tails do get kinked in real life if handled improperly, which is very much the case here too.

Scientist 1: “The idea is that once we remove the electronic stimulus, he still won’t go for the cheese.”

Scientist 2: “Learned helplessness.”

And sadly...their hypothesis is proven correct.

And the thing is, Brain does recognize that the shock is turned off. He does learn that he shouldn’t touch the plate. So he tries once more...

And stops.

Even with the cheese’s proximity, it’s still unattainable. The only thing that holds Brain back is himself. He wants the cheese, but he’ll get hurt if he tries to go for it. So...despite there being no obvious danger, Brain doesn’t go for it again.

Learned Helplessness Wikipedia Page Link

This could potentially be the moment where Brain finally loses his innocence. He has to control everything because the moment he doesn’t...he’ll get shocked.

Notice how everything Brain’s ever wanted at any stage is always in close proximity to himself? In Leggo My Ego, he was extremely close to his parents and the tin can upon capture. In Snowball, he clearly desired companionship, but he and Snowball were never in the same cage. In this flashback, the cheese is ripe for the taking with the shock turned off, and he doesn’t try again.

Brain is able to learn. And he learns that the world is cruel, that he’s only an interesting specimen for science with no autonomy of his own. He learns that he has to be in control to stop hurting so much.

“From that day hence, I vowed I would be the one in control. Of myself, of my surroundings, of the world. Yet again, here I am, totally helpless.”

Okay, I swear this wasn’t intentional and I didn’t notice this until I made this post, but look at how similar the final pose in the flashback and Brain’s pose in this shot are.

That in some ways, Brain is still that child with simple desires. Maybe he phrases them differently, but that’s what it ultimately boils down to.

And from Brain’s emotionally charged delivery of the above line, this experience was so traumatic that he kept it hidden for two decades.

And while the cheese is supposed to represent how he can’t obtain the world despite living in it, I think there’s another thing that went unstated. It also happens to represent:

Pinky is the cheese. Brain won’t step on a stun plate if he tries to touch Pinky. Rather, Pinky will welcome any affectionate gesture with open arms.

But Brain believes he’ll be hurt if he tries. The humans set the precedent. Desire affection, desire love, you’ll get hurt, they taught him.

The only thing holding Brain back is himself.

And it’s absolutely tragic.

Be like Pinky. Give Brain a hug.

If you’ll excuse me, Imma go cry.

#pinky and the brain #animaniacs spoilers #patb spoilers #long post #animaniacs reboot #also i'm sorry i fooled you into believing this post would actually have good analysis #that's how all these start out and it quickly devolves me into crying over cute mouse babies

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shiavanzin · 4 years ago

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💀 * [ timothee chalamet + cis male + he/him ] —— have you met zigmund ‘shia’ ivan vanzin? they are a twenty year old junior currently studying political science. they live on decker house, and word around campus is that this gemini is witty + charming, as well as manipulative + self destructive. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. snorting lines off a priceless mirror, writing ancient runes in cigarette ash, the thrill of victory that accompanies a low ‘checkmate’.

hello all, my name is pepper and i have never been on time for anything, ever, in my life so this is very on brand for me! that said, i am very excited to be here. shia is one of my favourite muses but because of his background it’s kind of hard for me to find places to play him, so i really jumped at the chance to be a part of this rp. that said, he is heathen so sdkjdsjk you’ve been warned, i suppose.

ABOUT THE MUN. fuck this *unfocuses my eyes*

fun fact about me, i’ve been working every day for the last ten days so i love that for me dkjdkj which is literally why me getting myself here was so chaotic honestly but i’m here i made it and we love to see it. honestly i am just a humble fergie enthusiast (patiently waiting for my girl to come back from her hiatus. any day now). i would die for a good aesthetic like pinterest owns my ass. i am big fan of the bachelor and specifically demi from the bachelor (demi from the bachelor if you are reading this i would like to hang out with you friday when i am free. please contact me if you’re able to hang out (on friday when i am free)). i am a huge superhero nerd. the first fanfic i ever wrote was a teen titans/danny phantom crossover and honestly? most ambitious crossover of all time, sorry endgame. i’ve never seen star wars or lord of the rings, and i’m okay with that. oh, and funnily enough i have never played chess which is about to be very ironic and i think that’s the perfect transition into shia’s bio.

BIO. child abuse tw, addiction tw, drug tw, and i think that’s it rip.

(tldr literally just click the link in the second bullet point for a summary because that’s how shia grew up, with psychologist parents determined to make him a prodigy. he is technically a prodigy now as the youngest grandmaster in history. his family is weird and fucked up and cold blah blah blah takes a lot of drugs, drinks a lot of alcohol to cope with his messed up childhood blah blah blah went to boarding school for high school. oh, and there’s a meme of him. and that’s pretty much it.)

okay first of all here is shia’s pinterest board and here is his playlist, which is honestly just??? really messy and just filled with songs that remind me of him (like it doesn’t flow at all i’m pretty sure yk) so! yeah!

second of all, shia’s backstory is thoroughly inspired by a true story. like I legitimately found this (look at the early life portion to see what i’m talking about if you want but i’m about to explain it all below anyways) and was like !!!???? so yes, that’s how this mess was born (although i highkey think that gerard way got inspo from that family for the umbrella academy like??? that’s my little conspiracy theory. WHERE ARE THEIR ROYALTIES GERARD!)

Shia doesn’t remember life before he was adopted. Before he was Zigmund Ivan Vanzin, the fourth child of the carefully selected Vanzin 6. Honestly he’s not quite sure his life prior is of much importance, because things didn’t truly get crazy until after he was officially taken in by the Vanzin family at the tender age of two.

Shia and his five siblings were all part of an educational experiment carried out by their parents, Moira and Yakov Vanzin, in an attempt to prove that children could be trained to be prodigies if immersed in a specialist subject from a very early age. ‘Geniuses are made, not born’, was the tagline of their parents thesis, and the foundation on which Shia and his siblings’ entire childhood was based on. They would all be molded into prodigies, and they would be living, breathing proof of their parents achievements.

Because of the magnitude of their experiment, and Shia’s parents reputation (both of Shia’s parents was a very famous educational psychologists in their own right, and due to their fame, their experiment and their children were covered in magazines and newspapers worldwide. To this day a quick google search will lead you pictures of the Vanzin 6 growing up slowly on the covers of publications such as Times Magazine, Forbes, People, and of course a myriad of academic magazines as well.) they received heavy criticism at the time from some western media for ‘depriving the siblings of a normal childhood.’ But since all of the Vanzin children were born and raised in Russia, that criticism didn’t do much in the way of stopping them. Shia’s parents coolly ignored it all. They wanted to leave a mark. To change the future. And they both truly believed that their research would do that. They believed their work would completely revolutionize the way that children were educated, and that therefore, they would revolutionize the future.

And so the children were affectionately dubbed The Vanzin 6 by the media that wasn’t completely against the experiment. A cute little nickname smacked on what would normally be considered a child endangerment lawsuit. Sure, there were still those that protested, but their cries were quiet in comparison to the roars of the intrigued, of the curious, of the fans, because of course there were fans. So it goes without saying that Shia’s first photo op was when he was still in diapers. He smiled cheekily through the whole thing, in striking contrast to his siblings all staring empty eyed into the camera. Their lives were pretty much put on constant display from that point on, and honestly, at least in terms of Shia’s approach to photo ops, not much has changed on that front.

Shia’s parents educated their six children at home, each with their own specific subject to focus on. From the age of four, Shia, or Zigmund, as his birth certificate so lovingly displayed, (it should be noted that Moira and Yakov named all of their children after psychologists, and that Shia was simply unlucky enough to get Freud. So perhaps lovingly wasn’t the right word.) showed a talent for chess, and therefore that talent was ‘nurtured’. In other words, Shia was only allowed to live and breathe chess from the cursed day his chubby little fingers picked up a chess piece to, presumably, the day he died. If he wasn’t eating, sleeping, or doing his school work, Shia was playing chess. First he played against his father, and mother, and siblings and when that stopped posing a challenge, he got involved in official competitions. Those were somehow even less of a challenge, but granted, his siblings were being trained into geniuses. At first he played children his age, and then slightly older, and then much older, which Shia will admit, was the most fun. Even as a child there was just something about seeing a grown man go red in the face with frustration as he lost to a child. Something amusing. Something powerful. Admittedly, chess got old. But that specific red faced look never did.

Shia rose up the ranks slowly and steadily from then on, already creating quite a stir in the world of chess by the age of six. And considering this was what they wanted, you would think his parents would be proud. Thrilled even. However that was not completely the case.

For as long as Shia can remember his relationship with his parents had been more ‘professional’ than affectionate. To start, he and his siblings all called them both by their first names. Considering he was adopted, Shia would never know what his first word was, that memory was lost to him and kept only by the parents who didn’t want him enough to keep him in the first place. But even if he was born to Moira and Yakov, if the two were his flesh and blood, he knows with absolute surety that the first words to come out of his mouth wouldn’t have been ‘Mama’ or ‘Papa’. The two never referred to themselves that way, and they didn’t expect their children to either. Shia remembers with painful clarity first and only time he tried. Or rather, he remembers the stomach turning look of both confusion and contempt from Moira that followed the one time he tried. He never tried again.

His parents didn’t offer much when it came to what normal parents did he supposed. He didn’t receive much physical affection from them, or sugar coated words. They were their parents, yes, but they were also their handlers, and being raised with that emotional distance definitely had an impact on Shia’s psyche. All Shia wanted to do was impress his parents. Maybe get a good job, or a hug, or a smile. The kind of things he’d seen other kids get just for breathing, or using a toilet. But he knew his parents expected more. He knew they expected the best. So the only way he knew how to achieve his goal of attaining his parents affection was to work harder. To be the best he could at chess, the best anyone could at chess, and once he did that he knew his parents would reward him. He knew they would love him for taking the first step to make their dreams come true. When he was young he used to have dreams of that reward. Of how good it would feel to know they were proud of him. He imagined it feeling warm. And light, like he’d read in books. He imagined it feeling worth it.

Shia and his siblings were never the children that got asked that question, you know, the question that all children can relate to answering with bubbling wide eyed excitement. ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ The answer was laid out for them. It was decided before they even had a chance to think about it, and any time someone made the mistake of asking them the question, their parents answered for them. She will be the world’s youngest prima ballerina. She will be a legend in the musical field. He will be grandmaster. No, dreams weren’t for the Vanzin children, so Shia’s kept his quiet. Kept it close to his heart where his parents couldn’t admonish him for being sentimental or fickle or any of the other large words they used that Shia was only instructed to look up in the dictionary. His dream of gaining their favour was his, and his alone. Shia learned very quickly in life to keep your cards close, and your heart buried.

And after years of hard work and dedication, and a lot of blood sweat and tears, Shia did it. He won. He finally beat everyone there was to beat, and at the youngest recorded age of ten to boot. Shia was officially the world’s youngest grandmaster. His record has still yet to be beat to this day. And that day, he looked to his parents, ready for them to run to him and shower him with the affection and praise he longed for. It didn’t take long for the ecstatic expression on his young face to fall.

The most Shia got was an approving nod from his mother from across the room. His father, for his part, was on a phone call. That was it. The crowd roared around him, and the audience clapped with the enthusiasm usually reserved for sports games and concerts. The reporters at the event stumbled over their words trying to communicate the record breaking event that they had just witnessed, from one of the lionized Vanzin 6. It was chaos, beautiful, celebratory chaos, all for Shia, but it was all a blur around him. He couldn’t see it. All he could see was Moira and Yakov, turning away from him and towards each other, whispering god knows what. He had their full attention for maybe all of a minute. They didn’t even smile.

(There is live video of Shia having his dream crushed right before his eyes. Recordings of it on youtube. How many people can say that, aye? The true power of celebrity. The gif of Shia’s shocked and empty expression amidst a crowd of ballistic celebration even became a meme at one point, a meme that Shia later bitterly used on occasion, because what was more powerful than using a meme of yourself? Than using your own pain for humour? Nothing, in Shia’s opinion.)

After Shia became grandmaster everything stopped. After all, there was nothing more to train him for. He had achieved his goal. He had won. And with his parents no longer focusing on training him and leaving him completely to his own devices, well, they stopped paying attention to him completely. Shia was all at once almost completely emancipated. The freedom of it all was freeing for all of a week. Then, Shia started to feel painfully invisible.

Prior to becoming grandmaster, Shia was quiet. Polite. Very calm, very observant, a bit distant and reserved for a kid, but no real red flags. Afterwards, however? After he felt like his parents no longer had any use for him, no longer had any anything for him, well Shia lashed out. Rebelled. Became louder, sharper tongued, more mischievous. He started acting out in hopes that they would give him some of the attention he so desperately craved, and while they did, none of it was positive. Shia quickly became the problem child of the Vanzin 6, somehow both his parents pride and joy as the first of their children to reach their goal, but also their greatest disappointment as the first one to turn against them.

Without chess to focus on, Shia turned to his siblings for entertainment. However Shia’s version of entertainment was never completely harmless. From a young age he had a habit of using people like chess pieces, of manipulating them and turning them against each other or towards each other for his own cheap entertainment. Shia could singlehandedly trick his siblings out of an argument when he was younger (or into an argument, when he was feeling particularly chaotic). He could trick the few peers he came across into simply giving him their toys or snacks, and trick bullies into leaving him alone a good amount of time too. It was both a gift and a curse, because people were never quite happy when they caught on. Most didn’t but the few that did were memorable in the violence of their anger. And besides, his parents never liked it. Shia would come home with an armful of toys that other kids ‘gave’ him and his parents would always force him to go bring them back, despite the fact that the Vanzin children were never really allowed toys of their own. The fact was, Shia’s moral compass was faulty. He never quite understood why what he was doing was wrong no matter how many times his parents tried to explain to him that people were not to be used as tools. Shia didn’t get how what he was doing was that much different from what they were. After all, weren’t Shia and his siblings nothing more than tools in his parents experiment? He asked them the question once. All he got for his efforts was a stinging cheek and a cold reminder from Moira not to be cheeky.

As Shia got older his rebellion got worse. In his defense, he was left unsupervised. While his siblings were busy with their training, Shia would be sneaking out to parties or bars or clubs. It was in those places that he was introduced to his first great loves. Drugs and alcohol. Moira and Yakov kept the Vanzin mansion dry as a monastery, so Shia had never even had a sip of beer before the age of thirteen. But the moment he did, he was a goner. Or rather the moment he got drunk he was a goner. There was something so beautiful to him about intoxication. So addicting, for lack of better word. When he was high, or drunk, or preferably, both, he felt happy. He didn’t remember his parents, or his responsibilities, or his failures, or even his successes. He was warm. And light. And content. Turns out he didn’t need his parents to make his dreams come true. Just a bottle of vodka and a line or two of coke.

After about a year of Shia coming home drunk or high or a combination of the two, eventually his parents couldn’t take it anymore (in the sharp words of Moira Vanzin, ‘Zigmund your behaviour is distracting your siblings from their training’) and sent him off to boarding school. Honestly, it hurt. His parents were basically getting rid of him because he was inconvenient, and he could never forget their out of sight out of mind approach to the whole thing.

Boarding school flew by in a mess of Riot Club like antics during which Shia did things like discover his bisexuality and somehow, against all odds, graduate. (TBH I wanna leave this pretty open in case there is any other boarding school kids who could have perhaps gone to the same school Shia did, so hmu if you have a boarding school kiddo.) He definitely attributes his acceptance to Holloway on his name completely, because honestly Shia was completely high when he wrote his college application, so high that he can’t even remember why he did it. He had no plans of going to college before that, but he figured... why not party in america and waste his parents money? What was stopping him?

So here he is, a whole mess in another country, and honestly he’s having the time of his life. Well, you know. Until people started dying. That isn’t ideal.

PERSONALITY. emotionally damaged, but make it sexy.

manipulative (we been knew) sometimes without really trying to be though. will manipulate people to get what he wants, but sometimes he just thinks of it like a nudge in the right direction. like he’ll manipulate a friend into talking to that girl they’ve had a crush on for half the year just because he wants them to be happy (and also he’s tired of hearing them talk about her)

selfish/self centered cause it’s just not?? his first instinct to think about other people’s feelings?? and it’s also kind of hard for him to empathize sometimes, especially if he’s never been in that situation or he doesn’t like KNOW and CARE about the person.

charming and charismatic, he’s got a great smile and he knows how to use it. also just very endearing if you don’t know him well, and even sometimes when you do. this is mostly a facet of him being very manipulative because he usually uses his charm to get what he wants, but still.

witty oof, this boy’s humour is inspired by klaus hargreeves and villanelle (what a duo,,, when will they meet) and he’s very rarely serious. always telling jokes, always pretty nudge nudge wink wink, even in very serious situations when he shouldn’t be. uses humour as a coping mechanism 100%, whether that’s at his own expense or someone else’s. honestly, can be kind of mean with it? like if anyone can go for the jugular with a joke it’s shia.

a big flirt honestly. will flirt with anyone he’s interested in, and will sometimes flirt without really noticing it? sometimes will flirt just for sport, or for fun, or to bug someone, or throw someone off. the type to flirt with his professor as a joke (why has he not been kicked out of here already) and has probably slept with a professor as a result. not really a player, but he enjoys physical intimacy and he knows how to get it. has been in more than a few relationships in the past, but is never very good at it because he’s almost constantly looking out for number one, aka himself. so? a mess basically.

vengeful, petty, spiteful, vindictive, all when angry or jealous or feeling as if he’s been wronged in some way but we been knew,,, we been knew.

rebellious !! still the type to suggest skipping town and partying instead of sticking around for exams. not really invested in school tbh. he has no idea what he’s going to do with his future.

a big superiority complex! cocky as hell! kind of acts like he’s the best thing since sliced bread because he was over praised as a child by like everyone but his parents. the type to think he ain’t shit deep down so he acts like he’s The Shit yk

craves love and intimacy but thinks romance is a sham. a big pessimist like ‘we’re all just floating on this rock life is meaningless we’re all gonna die anyways’ pessimist but kind of a realist tbh, he just doesn’t see the reason to sugar coat things unless ofc he’s manipulating someone then he’ll say whatever he needs to

trust issues, after his parents tbh. the only people he trusts 100% are his siblings and maybe a few close friends. i honestly may put in a wanted connection for his siblings at one point, but that’s for later.

HEADCANNONS. running for your life (from shia labeouf) he’s brandishing a knife (it’s shia labeouf)

a thick russian accent. speaks pretty impeccable english though because his parents tutored him in the english as a child. He also speaks a bit of french, german, and latin, and is currently taking mandrin chinese.

Is taking political science because he figures being a politician is just manipulating people on a larger scale, and he’d be right. However he’s not sure if that’s what he’ll actually end up going into. Honestly, Shia isn’t the slightest bit sure what he actually wants to do with his life.

His eldest sibling Jean was the one to give Shia the nickname ‘Shia’ after he confided in her that he’s always hated his name, and he’s gone by it ever since. His parents still call him Zigmund, and some of his siblings probably still call him Zig or Ziggy but like i said sdkdsk he has always hated the name (he does not want to be associated with the guy who invented the concept of the Oedipus complex). The only nickname he can stomach sometimes is Z, but other than that he’ll only accept Shia (or Shy to a select few).

was never raised with a television?? didn’t even go to a MOVIE THEATER until he was like fourteen??? so he has absolutely NO idea who Shia Laboeuf really is. People keep making jokes about it to him and he’s like ???? Honestly he googled him once and just gave up after thirty seconds, convinced people were fucking with him because this person couldn’t be real dlksdskld anyways yeah, knows next to nothing about a lot of pop culture, especially anything like before 2010, but has learnt a bit since coming out of his families little bubble. But there are still times where Shia’s like ??? what tf is that and someone’s got to explain what rolly polly olly is to him yk

Shia has a photographic memory, but honestly he doesn’t really care about it. In his eyes having a photographic memory doesn’t make you a genius, it just makes tests easier. Like to him it just means he doesn’t have to flip through his source material for quotes sdkjsdjk. It’s nothing exciting to him sdkdsk he skipped a grade because of it though but honestly?? All he really uses it for now is receipts like a little shit. Shia will legit be in an argument like “oh that wasn’t what you said in that text you sent to me at 4:45 on monday june 3rd 2017???” sdkjsdj. Occasionally he also uses it as a party trick, like if you give him a specific date he could probably tell you the newspaper headline on that day.

Has zero athletic skill. Absolutely none. Would one hundred percent lose in a fight, which is funny because he talks SO MUCH SHIT. He talks constant shit, and yet if you were to throw a punch at Shia he would go down like a rock. He doesn’t particularly care if he gets his ass beat though, so he continues to talk large amounts of shit, occasionally from a safe distance but usually not.

Honestly if you were to see him and his parents interact today it’d be wild, like you wouldn’t even know they were related. They literally act like strangers or acquaintances. Like it’s all like ‘Moira, Yakov, good to see you.’ and ‘You too Zigmund. I trust you’ve been well?’ and that goes on for like five minutes and then Shia has to hyperventilate in a corner for a bit. Like it’s so weird but it’s just been like that all his life. Normal healthy affection??? He doesn’t know her

Has a tattoo of a queen piece on the index finger of his left hand, as a little nod to what used to be his passion. Is also left handed.

Has a scar through his eyebrow that he got on a wild night out when he was thirteen. He got drunk and like passed out, and hit his head hit the edge of a table in the process. There was a lot of blood and a lot of panic, but in the end Shia only had to get a few stitches and he was very quickly back on his bullshit the moment he left the hospital. Literally, he went straight from the hospital to a house party (after all, it’s not like his parents even came to visit him and make sure he got home, so Shia simply did whatever he wanted to.)

Has a helix piercing in his right ear. It’s just a very basic silver hoop though.

His parents never really let the siblings have hobbies, but I imagine one of Shia’s siblings is a horse riding prodigy so he has some experience in that. One of them is a language prodigy, hence why Shia is conversational in so many. Jean, the eldest, is a musical prodigy and has lovingly taught Shia a bit of piano and violin. He is nowhere near as good at those things as he was at chess, but doing any of them reminds him of his siblings, so he tends to actually turn to them more often than chess. If I’m being honest I don’t think that Shia has played a game of chess since he became grandmaster unless forced to by his parents?

Mentally Shia knows he’s an adult now and that his parents technically have no control over him, but emotionally whenever they look at him he just… feels like that empty little kid again.

Tends to always have one of those travel sized bottles of vodka on him so if you’re feeling stressed hit your boy up.

Has honestly been rich since the day he was adopted, like literally has no idea how to function without copious amounts of money?

Shia is staying in the Decker dorms because he thrives on the chaos.

Definitely an addict, definitely high functioning though but also like? It isn’t a secret? I contemplated making it a secret but once again Shia has always got a travel sized bottle of vodka on him sdkjsd you can see him casually spiking his drinks if you’re ever out with him, he pops whatever pills he can find in his pockets in the morning. So yeah it is not a secret that Shia is an addict, he is rarely sober and that’s the way he likes it. Doesn’t consider himself an addict though, funnily enough.

WANTED CONNECTIONS. god we finally got here sjsdj if you got this far you’re the real mvp.

okay to start here is my wc tag for shia so i would absolutely love anything inspired by anything in that tag.

FRIENDS FROM BOARDING SCHOOL. i already talked about this a bit but i would absolutely love it so i’m mentioning it again sdjds i am really flexible about where shia went to boarding school, so literally wherever your muse went works for me. all i want is some dead poets society antics you feel me.

CHILDHOOD FRIEND. listen to me. i love childhood friend connections so much give it to me please and i will give you my first born child in exchange. again, shia grew up in russia, but it could be a long distance friendship if need be. we can make it work, i will literally change stuff around to make it work.

PREVIOUS ONE NIGHT STANDS. honestly shia would have multiple of these cause he’s a hoe. did he ghost your muse? did they mutually ghost each other? was it a one night stand gone wrong?

ENEMY. it’s so easy to hate him man. anyone who wants to hate him please feel free. did shia screw your muse over? did he manipulate them? did he i don’t know throw up on their shoes while particularly drunk? maybe shia was high when he did the thing they hate him for, maybe he doesn’t even remember but he just hates them cause they hate him. it’s the principle of the thing really. (me in my head: *junie b jones vc* princiPAL cause he’s your PAL). unreasonable completely baseless hate for no reason at all?

FLIRTATIONSHIP. a fun ‘will they, won’t they’ kind of situation because why not. what’s stopping us. just fun banter on both ends.

EXES. shia doesn’t date so he wouldn’t have too many of these but it would be fun. maybe their relationship was toxic because of shia’s toxic ass traits skjdsj maybe things were getting real and shia dipped like the coward he is. maybe it’s was a the colonel x sarah esque relationship where no one got it because they both seemed to hate each other the whole time and they very much did hate each other but were dating anyways. maybe it’s maybeline.

FWB/EWB. honestly this is more shia’s speed, so he’d probably have more of these as well as ex-fwbs/ewbs, which is such a fun concept. did it stop because someone caught feelings? or did they just get bored of each other? some other reason? but okay, back to the point, yes sexy enemies. sexy friends. we love to see it.

HIGH SOCIETY. someone he gets fucked up with! multiple people he gets fucked up with! they party together, drink together, do lines together. it’s a beautiful relationship of them all enabling each other.

GOOD INFLUENCE. counter actively. someone who tries to get shia away from his self destructive tendencies. someone who’s door he comes knocking at when he’s black out drunk because he knows they’ll give him a place to sleep. Someone he calls when he ends up in butt fuck nowhere with no shoes after a crazy night. Also, as wild as it is, flip it, where Shia’s hypocritical ass cares about your muse enough to try and take care of them. High off his ass but still trying to stick his fingers down their throat so they don’t get alcohol poisoning. They text him when they’re ‘going home’ when they were pre-gaming at their house in the first place. Shia is very ‘you would die without me’ about this person.

BAD INFLUENCE. shia is the devil kronk on their shoulder. he tempts them to the dark side with promises of a good time, and he delivers thank you very much.

A DRUG DEALER. i mean??? i’m ngl shia i very dependent on drugs, so he would probably keep this person close and do his best to keep them happy.

SOMEONE SHIA CHEATS FOR OR CHEATED FOR. maybe shia did their homework or took a test for them, all for an ominous ‘you owe me’?

SOMEONE SHIA SCREWED OVER. he does this all the time so yeah there can be multiples of this skjsdj shia is honestly like genuinely loyal to only a few people, so there are probably more than few people he left in the dust to save his own skin. maybe he saw the cops closing in on a party and left your muse for dead! or whatever else yk.

ANNOYANCE. it’s shia he’s the annoyance.

okay i think that’s all i’ve got, and if you made it all the way down here you’re??? an icon??? wow, i really can’t believe. please like this if you want to plot and i will come running!

#holloway.intro #s.v. | intro.#the only reason i used that surf gif is cause #??? when else will i get to use it #literally never

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? I would add to my wardrobe more than change

How do you/did you get to school? walk, then by bus

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? creepy

What was the last song you sung out loud? https://youtu.be/wycjnCCgUes

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? worried that I’ll waste my money

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? today

In your opinion, who doesn’t deserve to be famous? many people

Was it hard for you to get up this morning? not really

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? few months ago

Do you feel comfortable talking about your disorders, if you have them? depends

Where did you go on your last field trip? not sure which was last

Do you think you make a good first impression? no

Do other people’s first impressions stick with you? might

Have you ever had to give up on someone? sure

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? them break up with me (not my decision) but usually it’s the other way around

Do you think it’s okay to like a cover more than an original? umm...

Are you calm in emergency situations? depends

Who are you most attached to? my dad

What do you depend on other people for? money mostly :(

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? depends

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? sometimes, it’s not that I have enough shoes to do that lol

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? female

What was the last thing you bragged about? not sure what was last

What’s the ugliest thing on your wall? umm...

Who’s your favorite philosopher? Schopenhauer because of all the memes

Do you think Freud was out of his mind? well I prefer Jung

Einstein? he was cool

Who’s your favorite painter/artist? I like many

What day is it? Friday

Are you wearing anything blue? nah

Do you know anyone named Graham? just bread :P

Are you sitting next to anyone? not currently

Do you dislike the last person you Facebook messaged? nope

Who’s the quietest of all your friends? K. always was

Are you home alone right now? If so, where are the people you live with? my mom’s home, my dad is at work

Are you a chocoholic? noooo

Is there a song that reminds you of the person you love/like? Do you listen to that song often? one of them is t.a.t.u. - All the things she said

Do you listen to music while you fill out surveys? sometimes

In the past week, what song have you listened to the most often? not sure

While playing video games, do you prefer being first or second player? second

How many people do you depend on? not many

How many people do you think depend on you? they could live without me

What is the worst color combination? brown and black?

Have you ever injured yourself walking around in the dark? yeah

What’s so scary about clowns, anyway? nothing to me and it’s annoying that they’re part of so many horrors

When was the last time you acted like someone you’re not? sigh...

How many hats do you own/wear? shitload

Do you ever receive comments on your weight? ppl are jealous of my weight so basically my illness :(

Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? of course

What was the last thing that you wrote down [with a pen/pencil]? not sure what was last

Has anyone told you that you have a nice smile? my gf only

Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? yup

Do you like playing tic-tac-toe? I always win What about hangman? I played it couple of times Are you dangerously in love with someone? woah

Are you cute or sexy? cute Is English your 1st language? it’s not Did you ever perform in front of your entire school? elementary - more than once Did your older sibling ever tell you freaky stories that you believed? one time she told me that school was flooded and there were fish and frogs and then I said that to my mom and she called me a liar and got mad even tho I explained to her it was my sister’s idea :( Are you single and proud? you can be single and proud as well as be happy in a relationship too, I am in one now Are you more happy when you’re with people or alone? 90% of time alone What do you think about guys shaving their legs? that’s their life Do you wear lipstick? nah Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. I don’t wanna talk about it

What music album would be used for a movie about your life? soundtrack to my life would have to be a mix of songs from different bands/vocalists

Who was your first crush and what made them special? she was just adorable with her clumsiness and her perfect body and that face and voice and she was just a pretty cool friend to me and I wanted to take care of her so badly, she was the very first girl I ever had a crush on irl if not in general but she was hetero and she changed a lot (not in a good way in my opinion) Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? I... I never imagined my first kiss before it happened?...

Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? blergh

Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. there’s no such thing, it’s all about the person If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? absolutely, my health issues Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? I’ve found shitload of stuff but one thing was the most odd and that’s a taxidermy ferret shawl someone left on a bus stop - at first we thought with dad it must be alive but we came closer and realized someone lost their piece of cloth and we took it Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. almost a month, I was in hospital Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. - Have you ever seen a ghost? it seems, it was not just white but a little bluish, no legs and weird face - shaped like in a clay, mostly transparent, slightly glowing, it was in open doors of my room, I woke up with a weird feeling that someone’s watching me and I got really scared so I hidden under a blanket and didn’t look there again until morning, I was trying to convince myself it’s just a shirt that was hanged in the hall but mom said there wasn’t anything like that there at night, now I wish I could see that again hoping I would try to do something more brave about it, I kinda worry I was rude towards them whoever it was

*btw my grandma said that after death some chemicals leave the body and fly like a fog through the cemetery if casket and grave aren’t blocking it too much Describe your note-taking style and habits. everywhere and usually not in line, can be even upside down, just random, different size, clue words etc. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? suffering to deserve heaven? Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real What are all your thoughts on god? overthinking... What did you learn today? for example - that explaining things to people make me realize more than just thinking about something What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? ask them Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? poor tree :( In what ways have you traveled? car, bus, train, bike, even a little bit by ship What historical events happened the year you were born? nothing interesting

Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970’s or earlier? sure

What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public? nothing If you don’t have to be up by a certain time, do you like to sleep in as late as possible? no longer than 11 am What are you wearing at the moment? Is it for any particular reason? pajama because it’s past midnight and I should be asleep but I have to finally finish this survey then dry my hair and drink some water first Are either one of your parents retired? my mom is and my dad will be soon Do you buy a lot of DVD’s, or do you tend to just watch everything online for free? watch online, I have no money for buying movies that I’ll watch less than 3 times Does everyone in your household own their own computer? nope

Are you a good gift giver? I try my best and been told that I am despite not being rich

Do you know what XOXO stands for? hugs and kisses

What’s the first person who comes to your mind when you hear the word blue? me

Have you seen any of the Harry Potter movies? first ones

Do you like your significate others siblings? I don’t know her brother

Have you ever recieved a singing birthday card? omg I loved those and I wish I got one :(

Do you remember who your kindergarten/pre-school teacher was? I liked her so much I’ve been sending her cards on holidays years after

Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? never

Do you own anything made of lace? hmm...

How many people do you share a name with? I don’t know anyone with my name

Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? if it’s not an apartment then of course it does, highest possible and thick as I don’t want to see or be seen by my neighbors

Do you own any yellow shoes? yep

Can you type fast? very

In school were you bullied? I was

Are you sarcastic? yeah

Do you read the newspaper? nah

If you died today where do you think you’d go? hell :(

Have you ever been to therapy? few times, didn’t help

Do you use online dating? did

Did you miss alot of school? I was sick often

What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? not sure what was last

What was the last thing you ordered online? shirt, I’m waiting for the package now

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? no :o

Do you feel like you accomplished anything today? hmm...

What is/was your favorite teen magazine? trzynastka or however this shit was called

Would other people describe you as creative? I guess

What color are your slippers? grey and white

Are you haunted by memories of stupid things you’ve said and done? constantly

Did you like high school or college better? didn’t go to college

Who was your favorite Olsen twin? I didn’t have a favorite

Do you ever listen to Celtic music? used to, with John

Do you know a lot of rich and spoiled and selfish people? had classmates like this and neighbors too

Do you enjoy mornings? rarely, not really

Have you ever feared going to jail or thought about what it would be like? thought

Did you know that the zodiac signs (the regular ones) are Greek? ok

Have you ever learned about Greek mythology in school? didn’t like it

Do you stay up late? as you can see

what do you hear right now? nothing

what is one thing in your life you feel truly guilty for? personal

have you ever been slapped in the face? I’ve been slapped without any reason, I was bullied

how about punched? hit with a ball only and my head was hit with a bottle too once

have you ever come up with a memorable quote yourself? I’ve been quoted

what do you think about masturbation? personal

What color did you first ever dye your hair?: either red or black

What’s the color of the bath towel you use most often?: green

Ever eaten a piece of dog or cat food out of curiosity?: ewww, nooo

Can you name one song by Prince?: Purple rain for example

Would you rather paint or make pottery?: paint

Are you currently taking this survey before or after 9pm?: after, I started over 5 hours ago...

Is the sun shining bright outside right now?: it’s the middle of the night!

Would you rather watch a horror movie or a romantic comedy?: romantic comedy ^^”

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kirinda-ondo · 5 years ago

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So I have some thoughts and feelings about Vishnal Rune Factory

I am aware that approximately two other people besides me care about this, but literally when has it ever stopped me from rambling at length

So basically, I love Vishnal from Rune Factory 4. Like, a lot. I never commit to anyone in farm sims but boy howdy, he managed to hit literally all the criteria I have to be considered a Favorite Character™. He did it so well, in fact, he’s earned a spot alongside characters like Cobalt or Lydia. But like those characters, while there are people who like him, I feel as though he doesn’t get enough credit. The complaints I’ve seen tend to be that he’s boring and that he has the worst proposal event. Hell, one of the first few results from googling him is a thread asking if he’s supposed to be a joke character. While I can see where this sentiment might come from, I’d like to explain the appeal in a lot of the things people find fault in him for (at least for me), and maybe offer a bit of a different perspective, I guess.

If I had to guess where a lot of these problems that people have with him come from, it’s probably the fact that he doesn’t have a lot of lore behind him. To be honest, Vishnal doesn’t really have a whole lot of plot significance. He doesn’t have any direct connection to the capitol of Norad like Arthur or Kiel (via his sister Forte), he’s got nothing to do with the Sechs empire like Doug, and he’s not a guardian like Dylas and Leon. Vishnal, despite working in a castle and serving Ventuswill (who we shall henceforth refer to as Venti), a literal dragon god, is an everyman by comparison. He’s just a guy trying to do his job the best he can.

Similarly, he also doesn’t have a whole lot of mystery or drama behind him either. With pretty much every other bachelor, there’s usually some kind of dark secret from their past that comes up and has to be dealt with, either through the main plot or through their proposal events. To just give you an idea of the kind of things we’re dealing with here, let’s do a rundown.

Doug’s entire tribe was killed by Sechs soldiers, but the empire fed him propaganda to make him believe that Venti was responsible so that he would work undercover for them in order to kill her and take the Rune Spheres.

Arthur was an illegitimate child of Norad’s king and believes that his mother hated him so much she had to take off her glasses so that she didn’t have to look at him, causing him to have severe trust issues (as well as a glasses fetish? Have fun with that, Freud).

Kiel (and by extension, his sister) is trapped in a well-meaning, but incredibly fucked up family dynamic that forced him to be incredibly sheltered while Forte took on the duties of a knight in a heavily male dominated society to protect him. However, since both of their parents are dead, they have no idea that they’re allowed to free themselves and become their own people.

Dylas sacrificed himself to become a guardian, fusing with a monster in order to act as a living life support to help keep Venti alive, but when he’s finally free, he’s hundreds of years into the future, where everything he knows is gone. It’s also implied that before he became a guardian, he was suicidal.

Leon, like Dylas, also sacrificed himself to become a guardian and was flung far into the future. However, he also has the added guilt of believing he left his childhood friend to live the rest of her life emotionally stunted because when he was younger, he made a promise to marry her if she stopped crying so much, but didn’t take it seriously as she did, and couldn’t have kept it even if he did.

Meanwhile, Vishnal has had an utterly average life. In order to help people, he wanted to become a doctor like his father, but felt he wasn’t smart enough, so when he met a butler named Sebastian, he was so impressed he decided to become a butler himself. Though he was worried his father wouldn’t approve of this way of helping people, he was ultimately supportive, helping him train and, through a friend’s connections, getting him to Selphia to work under Volkanon.

Vishnal is basically Clark from Connecticut in terms of how average he is by comparison. However, I wouldn’t say this is a bad thing. Even dealing with one of these traumatic backstories is a lot, let alone trying to harem them all (and don’t even get me started on the main plot’s drama). A lot of the resolutions to these character arcs are followed up by a proposal, and maybe it’s just my age and personal experiences (or the fact that I’m aroace), but when that happens, I don’t get the feeling of “YES, TAKE ME NOW!” I just think “…You literally just found out the thing that’s been screwing you up your entire life was a giant misunderstanding. I get that you’re happy but like, maybe take some time to sort yourself out? See a therapist maybe???”

But Vishnal, for all of his faults (of which there are many and I will get to that later), generally has his shit together. I respect that and find it a breath of fresh air compared to the cavalcade of angst in everyone else’s lives. Not to say that he doesn’t have any problems at all, because then that would be boring, but they tend to be more focused in the present, and are a bit more grounded in reality and less… spectacular. But like I said, we’ll get to that.

What he lacks in terms of dramatic backstory, he makes up for in personality. He’s very… intense, to put it mildly. While not completely hyper, he’s very high energy and it doesn’t take much to get him psyched up. He’s the type of person to put at least 110% effort in everything he does, and nearly everything he does goes towards his goal of becoming the world’s best butler. Unfortunately, as a result, he’s considered one-note. Now, I’m not going to sit here and say he doesn’t talk about butler things all the time, because he absolutely does, but for me, as someone who also tends to get super into things and talk about them endlessly (hence this entire ramble), I find him pretty endearing, if not a tad relatable in that regard. However, for all his single-mindedness, he is still a decently multifaceted character.

Probably the most important thing to note here is that he is a very good person, like “too good for this sinful earth” kind of good. He has a natural drive to help others and doesn’t have a mean word to say about anyone (though even he engages in the ultimate Selphian pastime of Teasing Doug™ on occasion). He’s also honest to a fault. It’s incredibly easy to tell if he’s trying to cover something up because he’s usually pretty much an open book and wears his heart on his sleeve. He seems to expect others to be the same way, as he has a bad habit of taking what people say at face value even if they’ve repeatedly shown not to be trustworthy. This often leads him to be the butt of many a joke or the victim of scams. Other times, lighthearted teasing falls flat as he takes it seriously and winds up getting his feelings hurt. But ever the optimist, he doesn’t let setbacks get him down for long.

He very much believes in the power of hard work overcoming any obstacle, and it seems in his mind, literally anything is possible if you train hard enough, and he’s constantly trying to prepare himself to master every possible scenario, from protecting important secrets by staying silent to becoming invincible to the common cold by constantly being soaked with water. It generally winds up doing him more harm than good, and even Doug worries about him a little bit because Vishnal will do pretty much anything if you tell him it’s special training (though this does not even remotely stop Doug from having a field day with it). Were this not a very “anime” kind of game, it would honestly be amazing if he hadn’t died from any of his training attempts.

Though it may come across as though he has no idea what is actually possible for a human to achieve, he actually seems to have quite a few hangups about his own limitations. He has a massive perfectionist complex and is incredibly hard on himself. He tends to beat himself up quite a bit when he makes mistakes (I mean the man looks utterly devastated every time he screws up lunch) and outright warns the player (who we shall henceforth refer to as Frey) that he may cause her trouble. However, he’s not quite as terrible as he might imply. While he is gullible and very much a klutz, he’s got a wide variety of skills and knowledge he rarely gives himself credit for. For instance, he’s not exactly street smart by any stretch of the imagination, but he’s well-read to a degree that he can actually read things from Arthur’s library (which says a lot because Arthur is a colossal nerd), and he’s knowledgeable on a number of subjects from farming to geography. On the lake date (when it’s not summer), you have the option to ask him more about the kind of training he would do, and he rattles off a list of insane skills (I.e. making tea so good as to become its own singularity…singularitea, if you will) like it’s no big deal. Mind you, given what someone like Volkanon is capable of, that may just be par for the course as far as butlers go in this universe, but for your average person, that’s honestly impressive, if not a bit terrifying.

His confidence (or lack thereof), however, tends to reflect in the quality of his work. In a small example, every so often, he offers Frey his attempt at curry rice. It’s hot garbage, but if she tells him it’s good, he admits he wasn’t very confident in it. However, we see in his prerequisite event (which is a much more overt example) that when he’s more confident in himself, he’s not only able to make actual food, but is downright hypercompetent in his job. For context, he is conned into buying an overpriced statue that, according to blacksmith and Professional Vishnal Scammer™ Bado, will allegedly make him an expert overnight. Wholly believing in this thing, he’s suddenly amazing… until he accidentally knocks it over and breaks it. Utterly devastated and unconvinced that his improved performance came from within, he’s suddenly infinitely worse than he was when he started. Things of course balance themselves out, but we come away realizing that if he had as much self-confidence as he did pure determination, he could easily reach a point where he’d be absolutely unstoppable.

We also see this lack of confidence manifest itself in regards to Frey. If she pursues a relationship, we get quite a bit of evidence that he doesn’t think he’s good enough for her. Before he formally asks her out, he lists all the things he does wrong; all the ways he’s a novice, essentially warning her of what she may have to deal with. However, if Frey’s conquered the RNG and made it this far, then it’s safe to say that she’s prepared to take the risk. On the airship date, he outright says once he becomes an expert, he’ll finally be the perfect man for her. Even during his own damn proposal event, he tells her he’s unreliable. This is incredibly far from the case, as even if he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, he’s doing everything he can to make this work. He works himself even harder to maximize his time with her, he buys (phony) charms from Bado to keep them together, he asks other bachelors for advice (as poor is it may be at times), he literally asks the entire town for date spot reviews, as well as just straight up reading up on how to be the best possible boyfriend.

Eventually, should the RNG gods be smiling, this brings us to the proposal event. Now, one might imagine that this event might follow the thread we’ve been building up here into him learning maybe not to beat himself up so much or becoming a little more self-confident, but no. While this sort of thing happens for a number of other bachelors/bachelorettes, where their prerequisite events foreshadow what’s to come in their proposal events, that isn’t quite the case here. While that development does occur to a degree, it’s a bit more subtle and is not really the focus of this event.

His proposal event instead mainly forces him to consider his priorities. So for some context, a butler judge has come, and if Vishnal does well, he may finally earn his first star and be one step closer to being the ultimate butler. In fact, his abilities are already recognized as worthy of the title, but there’s just once teensy little problem. You see, in butlerdom, your master and your partner being one in the same is a bit of a taboo. Dating your boss creates a whole host of problems, after all; not just for you, but your reputation. And so this is where the conundrum comes in. We already know he’s incredibly dedicated to this career choice to the point that if he doesn’t succeed, he will literally die trying, but he’s now just as dedicated to Frey. Being that this is a proposal event though, you pretty much already know how this is going to end, but just hear me out.

This is currently the biggest decision he’s ever made in his life, and is essentially the emotional equivalent of having to choose between losing your right hand or your left. He obviously doesn’t want to throw away years of hard work, but he’s also not the type to just leave someone behind in pursuit of his own interests. Frey ultimately saves him from waffling back and forth about it forever by breaking things off so he can pursue his dreams, but literally no one is happy with this. Even the judge feels bad and he’s the one who started it. But with this little problem out of the way, Vishnal is free to accept his new rank. Except he doesn’t. After a dramatic, heartfelt speech pointing out that this actually puts him in a better position to serve Frey, and how reputations shouldn’t matter more than protecting the person you’re entrusted to, he whisks her away and proposes. Before she can properly answer though, he’s called back to the castle. In the end, the judge is moved by his dedication, and so Vishnal can now have his cake and eat it too. Short, sweet, and to the point.

It’s probably about half the length of the other bachelors’ events, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. It’s actually a pretty nice contrast between the other proposals. Leon, Arthur, and Kiel have the common thread of having to sort out baggage from their past before they decide to marry. Doug and Dylas, while their events are more lighthearted, are a bit more focused on a lack of communication and resulting misunderstandings that come from trying to surprise Frey with a ring. However, because Vishnal’s life isn’t a veritable conga line of angst and trauma, his obstacle to marriage is entirely in the present, and because he’s so open about his feelings, he and Frey actually have a chance to sit down and discuss where to go from here, so there’s no communication issues. Plus, his situation, while a bit dramatically handled because anime, is actually kind of relatable. Having to choose between a career and a relationship is a situation that happens to a pretty good number of people, and it’s rarely an easy decision. It’s a logical conflict for such a work focused character.

While it doesn’t really overtly follow up on the initial thread that seemed to have been laid out of him learning to be more confident in himself, the transition is definitely there, at least in regards to Frey. It’s just not quite as spelled out in events. Even in his proposal, he’s still self-deprecating, but it’s a far cry from the absolute list of faults he gave initially asking her out. Not to mention, it absolutely takes a whole lot of courage to one, choose love over your life’s dream, and two, to do it in the incredibly dramatic and utterly obliterating manner that he did. The relationship also changes some post-marriage. Post-marriage Vishnal is a much different beast than pre-marriage Vishnal. As we’ve discussed, in the dating phase, he’s a lot less sure of how boyfriend things work, and resorts to asking others for advice and outright studying. Now that he’s married, he’s less reliant on others and is much more forward. He actually tends to be the one to initiate romantic gestures, from goodnight kisses to using his own sappy lines as opposed to borrowing them from Leon, among other things. Truly a far cry from the days where he would agonize over whether or not to even hold Frey’s hand. Sadly, while date dialogue doesn’t really change (with the exception of the room date, where he literally states he’s past being shy and awkward), there’s definitely a more visible shift in the focus of his other dialogue from being even good enough for Frey to being more protective. Jury’s still out on how much this development has affected his work performance, as there’s no real new mentions of it after the fact (though after marriage he is finally capable of making edible curry rice…sometimes!), but at least some degree of his self-esteem is improving.

So basically, to summarize, Vishnal isn’t a bad character. He’s just handled differently than the other bachelors. He’s a bit more grounded in reality as far as his backstory and conflicts are concerned. His development also tends to happen outside of his events rather than being the feature, making it a bit more subtle, and thus a bit harder to spot from a glance, but it’s there. For as much fun as he is as a character, I admit he’s definitely very tame compared to the other bachelor options, even despite the localizers’ attempts to make him spicier, so he’s not for everyone. I can see why others might prefer someone a little more exciting or mysterious, like Leon (who seems to be like, god tier as far as RF4 bachelors go), but I hope I’ve at least adequately explained why Vishnal might be appealing to some and has more merit than just a joke character. After all, vanilla is a flavor too, and plenty of people like that.

Anyhoo, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

#kateh rambles #i know readmores don't usually work on mobile so like RIP to your dash i guess #long post #kateh's rf4 tag

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ajax-b1ue · 6 years ago

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Suspension of Disbelief: Ch 2

2018 Big Bang Fic Challenge Submission Amazing Artist, Big Bang Partner, and Header Creator: @ahoardofsides TW: Villainous Deceit, angst, manipulation, gaslighting, self-deprecation, self-harm, anxiety attack, violence, blood, attempted murder Pairings: Platonic LAMP WC: 2672

( Master | AO3 | 1 | Chapter 2: As You Like It | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 )

Roman reflected wryly that it was, perhaps, foolish to hope Deceit’s intrusion would be a one-time thing.

Sadly, it was not to be. Over the following days, Deceit continued to turn up, without warning, and apparently without any purpose other than to lurk over Roman’s shoulder and make sarcastic remarks.

Eventually, Roman started protesting Deceit’s presence less and less. He still insisted to himself that he didn’t trust Deceit at all! But he couldn’t ever manage to actually dispatch of the snake or expel him from his room, and at this point, it was getting to be more exhausting to try than to just deal with his continued presence.

Over time, he also protested Deceit’s backhanded compliments less as well. Roman told himself he was ignoring them, but there was also a small part of him that wished he could believe they were real.

At one point, Roman tried once more to half-heartedly question Deceit’s presence.

“I have a question for you,” Roman posed, eyeing Deceit who was draped across the foot of his bed on his back, legs hooked up over the footboard. “…Why do you insist on hanging around me like some overdressed leech??”

“I genuinely like you,” Deceit offered.

That was met with a flat glare.

Deceit rolled his eyes, but didn’t push it. “Fine. But I do prefer you over the others. I know, it’s so surprising,” he mocked. Roman still wore his distrusting expression; Deceit affected hurt. “We’ve done good work together!”

“We have never worked together! Unless you count your little workshop of horrors,” Roman sniped.

“No? Certainly not all of the acting Thomas has done,” Deceit pointed out, rolling over and sitting up. “All of the fantasies you’ve concocted for him?” From the tone of his voice Deceit actually seemed to regard those somewhat fondly.

Roman wasn’t quite able to answer that at first. He could hear his own words echoing in his head: never lie at all?? …And wasn’t it true? There was an inherent element of deception in theater.

Luckily, his own words were not the only ones that came to mind. “There’s an unspoken agreement between an audience and the show runners, that what they’re seeing isn’t actually happening,” Roman said, recalling Logan’s argument. He looked up to meet Deceit’s gaze. “They know it’s not real.”

“Oh yes, reality is such a wonderful place to be,” Deceit deadpanned. “You know, Roman— good acting, a good fantasy, is supposed to take you away from all that. They want to be deceived.”

“Suspension of disbelief— while, yes, a vital part of enjoying any fantasy, including the theater—” Roman stopped and shook his head, refocusing— “is not the same thing as deception.”

“Falsehood,” Deceit returned easily, making Roman startle.

Deceit pretended to adjust non-existent eye glasses. The obvious imitation was not lost on Roman, who drew himself up, offended once again. Deceit just smiled, too wide, and Roman grimaced, turning away.

“Yes, well, thank you for your input, tall, dark and creepy,” he muttered.

From behind him, Deceit asked, “Would it sound better this way?” But the cadence and tone weren’t Deceit’s— they were Logan’s.

Roman whirled, shocked to see the logical side looking at him with a half-smirk. Shock quickly melted into anger: “…How… dare.” His hand went to the hilt of his sword for the first time in a long time.

Deceit glanced at the weapon, then back at Roman, unimpressed. “Oh yes, you’re going to cut down a likeness of one of your friends.” Deceit rolled his eyes behind Logan’s glasses. “Freud would have a field day. Besides,” he calmly persisted, steepling his fingers. “Don’t you want Logan’s approval? Instead of just always turning down and arguing against your ideas?”

“You are not Logan.”

“That was certainly a direct answer to my question.” Deceit’s calm smile returned. “Well. If my input isn’t welcome, perhaps you should actually share your idea with the others, then?”

“Perhaps I will!” Fed up, Roman snatched the piece of parchment from his desk.

And, for the first time in two weeks, Roman marched out of his room, down the hallway, towards the living room, and…

And, the closer he got to the sides’ common area, the less confident Roman felt. His march became more of a stroll, then more of a creep, finally hesitating just before he rounded the corner.

Was he actually ready to share what he had with the others? Or had he just let Deceit goad him into this? Roman’s gut twisted; what if Deceit’s whole purpose was to get him to make a fool of himself in front of the other sides by showing them something terrible? His hand started to clench around the piece of parchment, crumpling it.

“Roman!”

The creative side nearly leapt out of his skin at the unexpected voice from behind him; he spun, finding Patton looking sheepish.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you! I was just excited to see you out of your room,” Patton explained. The little bit of guilt that started to gnaw at Roman’s insides got quickly squashed, as Patton went on to ask, “You got something there, kiddo?”

Realizing that Patton was pointing at the paper in his hand, Roman hastily stuffed it in his pocket. “…No.”

Without another word, Roman brushed past Patton, eyes firmly fixed on the floor, and swiftly returned to his room.

Roman didn’t even get thirty seconds of solitude before Deceit’s voice— Logan’s voice— began mocking him.

“You didn’t even attempt to show them, did you?”

Roman refused to look up, but steadily grew more and more tense.

“Would you like me to tell you what Logan would have said?” Deceit proceeded to gleefully tear into Roman’s work. “This is completely unrealistic. Utterly ridiculous. Where exactly do you think Thomas is going to be able to film a stunt like this?”

Logan’s— Deceit’s— voice dripped with disdain.

“He certainly won’t be able to afford it. And the time it would take to edit— please.”

Roman ducked his head, shoulders taut, fingernails digging into his palms.

“That’s not even starting on your weak dialogue— this pun, you’ve used it twice before. Honestly, the whole concept is just—”

The tension in Roman finally snapped. “If I’d wanted to hear this, I’d have just shown it to Logan!”

The room fell silent. Deceit pulled back, regarding the other side.

Roman turned away, flushing with heat and shame. He forced himself to sit back at his desk, pointedly avoiding looking at Deceit, even as he heard the quiet click of footsteps coming up behind his chair.

Then Deceit did something entirely unexpected. “…Well,” he offered, his voice now devoid of irony. “It does have some potential.”

Roman gaped.

“The blocking is good,” Deceit went on, continuing his assessment. “The physical humor you’ve come up with is actually funny. And this wordplay right here is very clever— especially with how you bring the joke back later in the video.” Deceit turned and eyed Roman, still wearing Logan’s appearance. Then he quirked one eyebrow. “Is that more in line with what you wanted to hear?”

Roman continued to stare, mouth hanging open, too taken aback to respond.

One morning a couple days later found Roman standing in awkward silence in the kitchen, waiting on a pot of coffee.

What made it awkward was the fact that he wasn’t the only one there.

Roman would really have preferred nothing more than to go back to his room, but he’d also been feeling guilty over his earlier interaction with Patton, and how he’d just walked off. Since then, he’d been making a concerted effort to try to be at least a little less obvious about avoiding everyone.

So, while the other sides milled about, preparing their breakfasts and making small talk, he stood quietly off to one side, his stare fixed on the coffee pot.

Roman still hadn’t told them about Deceit lurking around his room and taunting him; his creative block was humiliating enough on its own. But even Deceit’s visits had started to take on a new, disquieting trend— Deceit was now periodically taking on the forms of the other sides to offer his comments.

It irritated Roman, a fact that he never failed to voice, but what burned him more was that… there was a part of him that clung to each scrap of false praise. That indulged in imagining that it really was Logan or Patton or Virgil praising him, extolling his work. Especially considering how few positive interactions he’d had with the others lately.

It didn’t help that Roman still didn’t have anything to show for all the time he’d spent sequestered away in his room, which hadn’t escaped the others’ notice.

It wasn’t unusual for the anxious and creative sides to trade barbs, but all of Virgil’s seemed to be more pointed than usual lately. Logan had shown considerable restraint (for him), but was starting to get less subtle in his attempts to press Roman over his seeming lack of inspiration. Thomas had been putting off working on his next project because he couldn’t come up with anything, which left both his Anxiety and his Logic irritable.

Patton was doing an admirable job of keeping things civil between everyone. More than that, he could see that something was bothering Roman, and tried to reach out to him.

“Roman… We haven’t seen a whole lot of you lately,” he started, then paused. “You think you might be up to joining us for breakfast?”

Patton gave Roman an entreating look, and Roman had to look away; Patton was hard to resist. But Roman knew, it wasn’t just about breakfast. Patton wanted to talk to him, wanted to ask what was wrong, wanted to help.

Roman wasn’t quite willing to open up, though. Things were still uncomfortable and a little tense between the four of them— the argument of two weeks ago still wasn’t forgotten. “No thanks, Patton, I’m not hungry,” Roman answered quietly, and tried not to squirm when Patton’s face fell. Instead, he turned to the coffee pot, ready to pour himself a cup and leave.

“Of course not.”

Logan’s muttered comment made Roman halt; when Virgil snorted, his hand clenched around the handle until his knuckles were white. He took a moment to steel himself before he poured out his coffee, careful not to spill any, and replaced the pot.

Then Roman turned, a tight smile plastered onto his face. “Besides,” he said loudly, as though continuing on without interruption, and startling the other three sides. “I get the feeling that I’m not particularly wanted at this precise moment.” He glared pointedly at Virgil and Logan.

“What? No!” Patton protested.

Logan’s brow was also creased. “Excuse me?”

Roman scoffed. “Do you really think of me as that dumb, Logan? I’m not deaf.” That, they all reacted to— Logan pulled back, seemingly startled, but his expression quickly became stony.

“Whoa, guys,” Patton tried to intercede, before things got out of hand; the fragile peace that they’d been maintaining was threatening to crack.

“What is your damage, Princey?” Virgil demanded, eyes narrowed.

Patton shot him a frustrated look. “Virgil— not helping.”

Logan crossed his arms, continuing to regard Roman. “I’m quite aware that your hearing functions just fine,” he said. “In fact, it would seem that you have superhuman hearing, since you apparently possess the ability to hear things which I haven’t said.”

“I think,” Patton broke in, talking over all of them and physically putting himself between Roman and the others, “we all need to take a few minutes to cool ourselves on down.” On the surface, he seemed cheerfully calm, but his voice had a firm edge to it as he looked back and forth. “What do you say, kiddos?”

Logan wore a tight lipped expression, his eyes never leaving Roman. “Take all the time you need,” he said, voice clipped.

Roman’s fingers curled against his coffee cup again, his shoulders hunched defensively, while Patton shot Logan a warning look. Roman bit down on his tongue; he was not rising to Logan’s bait. With a forced effort, Roman made himself look down and take a slow slip of his coffee. It was bitter, and too hot to drink just yet, but he made himself swallow it anyways.

Virgil had no such restraint. “It’s not like that’s anything new,” he sniped, quirking one eyebrow.

Roman choked, his throat burning, while Patton whirled on the anxious side, looking aghast. “Virgil!”

Anger flared in in Roman’s chest; he slammed his mug to the counter, sloshing coffee over the sides. “Okay, listen up, you All-American Reject—”

“Would you guys please stop?!” Patton suddenly shouted, startling the rest of them into silence. “Can you two stop antagonizing him?” he demanded of Logan and Virgil, who both looked taken aback at his outburst. Then he spun to face the princely side. “And Roman, that was uncalled for—”

“I don’t need your lecture!” Roman snapped without thinking.

Patton reeled as though he’d been hit.

For a full four seconds, no one said anything.

Then, Virgil’s lip curled. “What the heck is wrong with you?” he spat, ready to meet Roman’s anger head on. Likewise, Logan’s expression had become cold and steely.

Patton hastily recomposed himself, and raised his hands placatingly, still trying to de-escalate the situation. “Guys, please, this isn’t worth fighting over—”

“Like hell it isn’t!”— “Language,” Patton chided half-heartedly— “He doesn’t get to treat you like that,” Virgil growled, ignoring the moral side’s admonishment.

“I find I must agree with Virgil,” Logan said, arms crossed and voice icy.

It wasn’t that Roman didn’t feel the guilt welling up in him; it wasn’t that he didn’t regret snapping at Patton the second the words had left his mouth. It was hard to focus on those emotions, though, when they were competing with indignant outrage. And with both Logan and Virgil lined up against him, when they were the ones who had provoked him in the first place— Roman had had enough.

Patton wore a pleading look, and he opened his mouth to entreat them all again; Roman cut him off. “Don’t bother, Patton,” he said, voice tight. “There’s an extremely simple way to resolve this.”

Then Roman spun on a heel, and stormed out, not stopping until he had reached his room and slammed the door behind him.

The creative side all but threw himself into his chair, snatching his pen from its inkwell. He practically attacked the paper, furiously trying to force a new idea to come forth.

Between writing and editing and rewriting, Roman ended up working straight through the night, trying to burn off stress. Somewhere in the early morning he became aware that he was, unsurprisingly, not alone. But for once it was easy to tune Deceit’s presence out and just be absorbed in what he was doing; also for once, Deceit remained almost entirely silent.

Finally, Roman forced himself to stop— straightening his back, wincing as it cracked and popped— and allowed that he might actually have something worthwhile.

At this point though, Roman didn’t know whether or not to trust himself. And so, still craving feedback and validation, he hesitantly asked, “…Deceit. What… do you think? Of this?”

Deceit arched one skeptical eyebrow at him. Roman continued to look uncertainly in his direction, not quite making eye contact. Deceit sauntered over and eyed Roman, before glancing at the piece of paper and offering: “Absolutely dreadful.”

Roman let out a sigh of disgust, rolling his eyes, but they came back to linger on what he’d created.

After a beat, though, Deceit leaned back over Roman’s shoulder, then pointed to a line. “…This would make more sense if it came from the other character.” This was followed by more seemingly straightforward comments on blocking and dialogue, tightening up this section here and moving that part there.

This time Roman masked his surprised, and after a few moments’ hesitation, picked up his pen again, considering Deceit’s words.

#suspension of disbelief #ts fanfiction #sanders sides #roman sanders #deceit sanders #angst #big bang

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the-almighty-gob-john-langley · 3 years ago

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What a Load of Balls! Sunday January 23rd 2022. 3.58pm.

I've never been the sporty type. Even back in school you'd have found me in the lab learning how to blow things up, or dissecting insects. If not there I'd be in the darkroom or in the art studio - anything other than being on the playing field learning macho sports like rugby and football, which seemed pointless pursuits to me. Whereas sitting quietly in a corner somewhere reading Freud during a break while sneaking in a crafty fag was of far more interest.

Subsequently to this very day, I have no interest in sport at all. My complete lack of interest in sport, cars, and other laddish/male interest topics made me something of a social outcast and I could literally bring to a halt within seconds any attempt to converse with me on teams, players, leagues, and football terminology in general.

The closest I've ever been to any kind of sport has been chasing girlfriends around the bedroom, and the ensuing workout thereafter did far more for my cardiovascular than an hour in the school gym could ever promise to deliver - and be quintessentially more enjoyable.

Football is now a sport by name only. By and large, it's been turned into nothing more than a commercial enterprise. Companies with shareholders, directors, and number-crunching accountants whose job it is to make the already wealthy even wealthier through share dividends. These companies and corporations hire self-employed staff to kick a ball around for obscene amounts of money, and call them players; whereas reality suggests in boardroom meetings they are seen more as company assets to be bought and sold for profit.

It's a business where team managers can be sacked for their poor performance time, and time again, yet somehow manage to get reemployed by another club for an equally obscene amount of pay, while if this was any other commercial enterprise outside of sport their careers would be ruined. It's mind-boggling to the point where the logic of this totally and unequivocally escapes me.

Although I'm by no means a supporter what saddens me about football more than anything is that it is the only sport that attracts thuggish fans who spoil things for the many millions of others who attend matches for the pure pleasure of watching with family members and friends.

Sadly, Britain has a long history of football violence which has become known around the world by reputation, and in most foreign countries feared when British teams go there to play. Right here in Bristol only yesterday a thuggish contingency of Cardiff City supporters trashed the toilets in the away end of Ashton Gate Stadium after their team's defeat to Bristol.

Photos posted on social media show both male and female toilets in the Atyeo Stand completely destroyed, with the roofing ripped apart and debris everywhere. Insulation panels cover the floor while water is visible on the ground, suggesting that a pipe may have been broken as well.

So to put this in perspective, a group of thugs resorted to an act of vandalism and criminal damage all over a bag of air that's kicked around an enclosed and well-manicured field of fake turf for ninety minutes because their team was beaten. Seriously?

I'm now really struggling for the words to continue this. Nonetheless...

Infantile? No. Playground bully-type behaviour? Maybe! With hand on heart, I honestly don't know what goes on in people's heads for them to think that this type of behaviour is okay, and what must they be like at home if they don't get their way over something, or at work?

To my mind, I'm inclined to believe they have been so emotionally and psychologically damaged at some point in their earlier years that their emotional intelligence has become retarded and they will resort to acts of violence because they haven't learned how to successfully manage anything which presents any form of authority over them, to the point where even something as a team losing a football match represents such a huge threat to their perceived masculine superiority.

#john langley #bristol #john langley author #john langley blog #john langley bristol writer #john langley tumblr #deaths door diaries bristol #death's door diaries #bristol post #bristol city #cardiff city #football #soccer #vandalism #football violence #football hooligans #emotional intelligence #emotional immaturity

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michael-weinstein · 4 years ago

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Adar Marches In

NOTE: The title will make sense as you read the post

I know that today everybody is celebrating Valentine’s Day, but I’ve decided to share a piece of what is, in the purist sense (the spelling is deliberate), school folklore (I study at the Hartman High School in Jerusalem).

So to begin with, the previous two days (i.e., Friday and Saturday) were the beginning of the month of Adar in the Hebrew-Jewish calendar, or what is called in Hebrew “Rosh Chodesh”. Each month has its own special appeal in the calendar, and Adar’s offer is the holiday Purim. You can google it up (especially the Book of Esther which is the main reason for it), but in short - it’s a celebration of having over-turned the first ever display of anti-Semitism (for its own sake) in history. A popular saying from the Talmud says that “when Adar enters, one increases happiness”. So for me, the prayers of Rosh Chodesh Adar at my high school is my favourite prayers session ever.

On Rosh Chodesh (in addition to the usual prayers), there is always an addition named “Hallel” (a collection of chapters from the Book of Psalms, 113-118 if you’re interested, and it’s basically the Jewish equivalent of a “Magnificat”). The practice of its inclusion originates from the Passover Seder, and it has been since included in prayers for other occasions as well. Our Hallel in the classrooms (on all other Rosh Chodesh’s) has been pretty joyous, with a bit of dancing, but the truth is that these are all small-scale versions which together hark back to the big celebrations of Rosh Chodesh Adar, which traditionally are done by the entire high school (from 9th grade to 12th). Usually Hallel takes at most 10 minutes, our Rosh Chodesh Adar one takes at least 17 (all of this is pure hypothesis, I’ve never actually measured time, because honestly, how could you?), there are simply more repetitions which over time get livelier and livelier. Some might bring instruments to accompany, usually ethnic-oriental drums.

But this is not everything. The 12th graders then guide the rest of the high school to make happiness around other schools. When we arrive at elementary schools (most of the students come from either of 2), it’s innocent enough. But eventually, in between the schools, the procession takes on a kind of Dionysian energy (in both Greek and Nietzschean sense, which isn’t necesarily the same), with at least 40 (out of roughly 240) teenagers shouting as if in a sports’ match (one of them always has a responsiblity to bring and/or hammer a bass drum). As we are a segregated school, when we arrive to the girls’ school, things become especially red-hot flaming (as you can only get with teenagers). The irony is that it’s rather framed by the religious tendencies, namely that the girls shout for equivalence and the boys drown them out telling them to get back to the kitchen (I remember that happening once in 9th grade, and after we were back from the procession some kids took revenge, and the visit to girls’ schools was cancelled in 10th grade, I’m currently in 11th).

Now I’m not a misogynist (at least when I’m serious), and I don’t think that many Hartman students are either, but there is something appealing by doing that confrontation, and I think I know why it might be. I’ve mentioned the Dionysian element before, and the reason we might do it is simply because we connect with our id (Freud would almost surely have a field day at this procession). Deep down, in our masculine (you could say macho) souls, women are viewed as servants, whether practical or sexual. Again, this is not necesarily what I think, and I don’t agree, it’s simply my brain’s analysis of my own gut feelings, and I’m probably sure that’s true about others as well. This is the violent implication of “when Adar enters, one increases happiness”. Some people get drunk on Purim (further subtext there!) and the unconscious leaps out of them.

However, I’m not going to go deeper than this (mainly because I don’t know how could I go in deeper), and tell you my music recommendations for the next 2 weeks of madness. The reason for this is that since this year (quite obviously) we haven’t gathered in school for the Adar celebrations (the poor 12th graders!), I’ve decided to tell you the music I think of (and sometimes actually listened to) during Rosh Chodesh Adar (as well as for the following 2 weeks).

My first recommendation, for the prayers, is Bach. Basically anything would do, though I would perhaps take a preference for the vocal works. I don’t know much but I have heard segments of the Magnificat and I think that’s a good choice. My personal belief is that each person has their own Bach, and therefore I will not interfere with recommendations (I usually don’t like to do them anyway, but in the others I will oblige).

For the relatively calm part of the procession, I recommend the first movement of Mahler’s 3rd symphony (which I’ve already discussed on this platform once before). Though Mahler would eventually denounce attempted programs for his symphonies, in his early symphonies he had (at least in the early stages of work) programmatic implications for the music he was writing. This movement he had largely called “Bacchus’s Parade: Summer Marches In” (see the connection with the above and the title?), and in fact a lot of both the movement and the symphony has to do with the Nietzschean dualism of Dionysus and Apollo. There is also a Schopenhauerian dualism, the contrast between the governing destiny of the Will, and the ever-growing ambition of mankind. This first movement is really big, being half an hour long the longest Mahler ever wrote (yes, the 2nd part of the 8th symphony is twice as long, but that symphony isn’t really symphonic in the usual sense), and sounds very much like Mahler’s phrase of the symphony being like the world. I personally recommend Leonard Bernstein’s performance with the Vienna Philharmonic. Sure, the VPO didn’t like the music, but as it in a sense makes fun of them, and Bernstein is indulging in all the ugly spots, it makes this for me just great.

When you want however to get more wild however, there is no use but turning to Stravinsky. Obviously The Rite of Spring makes sense with this, but for me the absolute winner is his next ballet, Les noces (The Wedding). The plot actually connects with the supposed misogyny that can erupt. It’s basically a document of a usual Russian peasant wedding, where the purpose is not pure romantic love, but the agreements of their parents and the prosperity of their small community. The music is more energetic, percussive and folkish (and therefore perhaps less dissonant?) than that of The Rite. I would recommend two performances, both have advantages and disadavantages for me: Bernstein and the Pokrovsky Ensemble. The Pokrovsky Ensemble nails the folkish character of the voices just right (not afraid of being ugly). Whether the lack of vibrato is or isn’t “authentic” might be debatable, but it is a striking effect. Bernstein however is much more aware of the tempi and the dynamics, and the percussion and pianos are more properly balanced against the vocal forces (sidenote: his pianists are Martha Argerich, Krystian Zimerman, Cyprien Katsaris and Homero Francesch. Quite a crew!)

There is always a last resort when things go even more crazy. That doomsday weapon is the Prologue to Carl Orff’s Catulli Carmina (the lesser-known successor to Carmina burana). The usual line about Orff is that his entire career was stolen from Stravinsky’s Les noces and this piece really shows it. Like Les noces, Catulli Carmina is scored for 4 pianos and percussion (though considerably more than in Les noces), but the instrumental forces feature only in the opening Prologue, and in the very short Epilogue (which is basically a repetition of the beginning of the Prologue), the rest is for a capella voices. The music is more primitive and repetitious than Stravinsky’s, but the text? It’s so erotically explicit that in some early recordings, the translations didn’t include some lines (the text is originally in Latin). Herbert Kegel’s recording should set you right I think.

I might include some thoughts on the Book of Esther over the next two weeks, but I don’t promise anything. Meanwhile, you’re invited to dive in.

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