#bristol city | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

the-almighty-gob-john-langley · 1 day ago

Text

Headline: Bristol: Where the Housing Crisis Bites Harder Than a Vegan Piranha.

A Masochist's Guide to Britain's Most Expensive (and Eccentric) City Outside London, Where Endless Protests Mingle with Artisanal Bread and Your Council Tax Buys You...Well, We're Not Quite Sure, yet.

Bristol: A Jewel in the Crown of Chaos (and Masochism)

Ah, Bristol! A city of captivating contrasts, where the bohemian spirit wrestles with eye-watering house prices, and the aroma of freshly baked artisanal bread mingles with the lingering scent of ‘Kill the Bill’ protesters. It's the UK's most expensive city outside of London, they say, a dubious honour that comes with a unique blend of charm and exasperation. So, without further ado, welcome to Bristol, a guide for the masochistic at heart.

Housing: Where Dreams Go to Die (Slowly and Painfully)

Forget those idyllic visions of owning a quaint Victorian terrace. In Bristol, you'll be lucky to afford a shoebox-sized flat with a landlord who considers basic plumbing an optional extra. Space is a luxury, but hey, who needs it when you can pay a premium for the privilege of living in a "vibrant" community? Just try not to think about the crippling mortgage or rent payments, or you may find yourself in the queue for psychiatric intervention, and, if you manage to get an appointment before you die of old age, go treat yourself!

Protests: A Spectator Sport (and Participatory Bloodsport?)

Bristol is a hotbed of activism, where every cause, no matter how obscure, finds its voice. From Extinction Rebellion's theatrical stunts to the perennial "Kill the Bill" demonstrations and everything in between (Palestine, banning cars, banning cyclists – you name it), there's never a dull moment. Just be sure to wear comfortable shoes, as you'll likely be doing a lot of marching (or running from riot police). It's a great way to meet new people, get some exercise, and feel like you're making a difference, even if you're not quite sure what the difference is. And who knows, you might even witness a bit of "excitement" as tensions boil over. A little murder and mayhem keeps things interesting, right? (Just try to avoid being a participant.)

Green Dreams, Red Tape Nightmares (and Bin Collection Fiascos)

Our esteemed Green Council has blessed us with a cornucopia of innovative policies, such as pedestrianising the entire city centre and banning private cars (except for those belonging to council members, of course). Commuting has become a thrilling adventure, where you can test your fitness by cycling up, and downhill for miles on a railway path, where the latest fashions in Lycra attempt to put Paris and Milan to shame and fail miserably. Or try your luck with the notoriously unreliable public transport. And don't even get us started on the bin collections. Schemes galore, but they can't even manage the basics.

Crime: A Touch of Gritty Realism (and Occasional Mayhem)

While Bristol boasts a thriving arts scene, it also has a darker side. Stabbings, shootings, and the occasional riot add a touch of "excitement" to everyday life. But don't worry, the police are on it... eventually. They're just a bit outnumbered.

Council Tax: Where Does It All Go? (Certainly Not Here)

We pay a hefty sum for the privilege of living in this urban paradise, but it's hard to see where all that money goes. The streets are littered with potholes, the parks are overgrown, and the libraries are closed. But hey, at least our council is committed to funding "inclusive" art projects and hiring diversity consultants. Priorities, people, priorities!

Oh, and forgive me for not giving a full and proper mention to cyclists.

Clad in Lycra so bright it could guide ships at sea, they pedal with the righteous fury of a Tour de France contender, even when navigating a shared-use path. Their expressions, a mix of grim determination and smug superiority, suggest they're single-handedly saving the planet, one aggressively claimed metre of cycle path at a time. Meanwhile, pedestrians and other users scatter like startled pigeons, desperately trying to avoid becoming roadkill on the altar of sustainable transport.

Meanwhile, in a hipster suburb of the city centre, a coffee shop awaits its next customer with the trepidation of yet another demanding protagonist.

He, or she approaches the coffee shop counter, not with a plea for caffeine sustenance, but with an air of eco-conscious determination. "I require," they intone, their voice resonating with the gravitas of a seasoned climate activist addressing the UN General Assembly, "a decaf double-shot soy latte. Organic, fair trade, of course. And make sure it's organic, fair-trade, and shade-grown – wouldn't want to contribute to the destruction of the rainforest canopy, now would we? And," a dramatic pause, "absolutely no disposable cup."

A subtle nod towards one's own reusable bamboo cup follows, a silent yet potent reminder of one's commitment to reducing waste. A gentle sigh escapes one's lips as the barista, bless their soul, fumbles with the soy milk carton. "And please," one adds, "ensure the soy is non-GMO and locally sourced. We must support our local farmers, after all. Even if we are only in Bristol, where the closest thing to a rainforest is Leigh Woods"

The barista, a young individual whose weary eyes suggest a familiarity with the daily grind (both literal and metaphorical), nods wearily. They reach for a compostable cup, crafted from the sustainably harvested tears of a responsibly raised bamboo shoot.

"Hold," our protagonist commands, raising a hand adorned with rings made from recycled bullet casings. "Is this cup actually compostable? I need certification. Independent verification. Peer-reviewed studies on its biodegradability. I will not contribute to the microplastic crisis! Think of the plankton!"

As the barista diligently prepares the beverage, one's gaze drifts towards the disposable cups lining the shelves, a symbol of the environmental catastrophe that is mass consumption. A mental note is made to write a strongly worded letter to the boss, urging them to switch to exclusively biodegradable cups made from recycled seaweed.

A hush falls over the café. All eyes are on the unfolding drama. A nearby customer, clutching a suspiciously large Frappuccino, nervously shuffles their feet.

The barista, now visibly sweating, frantically consults a laminated chart detailing the cup's eco-credentials. "It's… it's made from… uh… plant-based materials," they stammer.

"Plant-based!" our protagonist exclaims, their voice dripping with scorn. "Which plants? Were they ethically sourced? Did they have sentience? What's their carbon footprint? I need to see the supply chain! I need to know the name of the farmer who lovingly nurtured these plant fibres! I demand transparency!"

The tension in the room is palpable. A single, ethically sourced, locally roasted coffee bean rolls across the floor, the sound amplified in the sudden silence.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, the barista produces a certificate, stamped with the logo of the "Global Association for the Ethical Treatment of Flora and Fauna." Our protagonist scrutinises it with a magnifying glass fashioned from recycled ocean plastic.

"Hmm," they murmur, a hint of suspicion lingering in their voice. "I’ll need to run my own independent tests. I have a portable spectrometer in my hemp satchel."

Finally, the moment arrives. The decaf double-shot soy latte, a beacon of eco-consciousness in a world drowning in plastic straws and non-recyclable coffee pods. One accepts the cup with a gracious smile, a silent pat on the back for a job well done in the fight against climate change.

The latte is eventually deemed acceptable, after a thorough interrogation of its constituent parts. Our hero accepts the beverage, but not before lecturing the barista on the evils of single-use lids (even the compostable ones).

And so, another small victory is won in the ongoing war against environmental destruction.

One latte at a time, the world is being saved, or at least, thoroughly scrutinised. One can only hope that the barista, after this ordeal, will seek therapy, perhaps paid for with the ethically sourced tips from a grateful, if slightly intimidated, clientele. The sheer audacity of this single purchase, this eco-battle waged over a caffeinated beverage, reverberates through the very fabric of society. It is a microcosm of the larger struggle, a symbol of the righteous indignation of the environmentally conscious, a beacon of hope in a world drowning in plastic and despair, a… well, it’s a latte. But a very important latte. A latte that probably cost more than my eco-friendly pack of bamboo loo rolls. Bamboo saved from the ravages of an overfed panda at London Zoo (don't even get me started on Zoo's, by the way!). A latte that I’m pretty sure just judged me. And you know what? It’s probably right to judge me. I haven't even recycled my aura today.

In a society where sipping a latte is a political statement, one must ensure their beverage aligns with their values. After all, what's the point of saving the planet if you can't Instagram a picture of your reusable bamboo cup while doing it?

So, there you have it - a glimpse into the joys of living in Bristol. It's a city where you can experience the best (and worst) of urban life, all for the price of a small fortune, your sanity, and maybe a bit of personal safety. But hey, at least it's never boring. And who knows, maybe one day, things will get better. But don't hold your breath.

0 notes

ultrafox1963 · 9 months ago

Text

King vacates throne after 17 years as a professional

The news that Andy King, one of the most distinguished players in Leicester City's history, is to retire as a player at the end of the current season, came as little surprise to members of the Blue Army.

Currently at Bristol City, the club of his boyhood affections, the 35-year-old Wales midfielder has made just 14 league appearances during the current campaign and it was clear he did not feature in the future plans of boss Liam Manning.

Fans and former managers alike have been quick to pay online tributes to a player whose remarkable achievements during his time at Leicester lifted him to legend status.

After being released from Chelsea’s academy at the age of 15, King found another route into professional football at what was then the Walkers Stadium. To say he made the most of that opportunity would be a huge understatement.

The first signs that his career would be far from the ordinary came when he helped City lift the Premier Academy League title in 2007, beating a Sunderland team that itself fielded several future Premier stars, including Jordan Henderson, who himself would enjoy a notable career with Liverpool and England.

At that time, few believed that the senior crown would ever join its junior counterpart in the Foxes’ trophy cabinet, particularly when City’s first team were relegated to League One the following year. By that time, King had progressed into the senior squad, but made a limited impact during a tumultuous and troubled campaign.

However, under the auspices of new manager Nigel Pearson, King was able to play a key role in City’s revival, gaining a regular berth in a side which swept to the League One title at the first time of asking, and maintained its momentum after its return to the Championship. During this time, he also gained the first of his 50 caps for Wales, the country of his grandfather’s birth.

Despite Pearson’s departure in summer 2010, following a particularly cruel playoff exit at Cardiff, King’s progress continued under Sven-Goran Eriksson, in a campaign which saw him finish as City’s top scorer and earn a place in the Championship team of the season. However, the impact of a rapid turnover of players during this period eventually told on both the team and King himself, and a string of indifferent results in 2011-12 heralded the end of the Eriksson era at City.

Even Pearson’s return to Leicester could not stop King’s career from entering a prolonged period of stagnation, which was a contributory factor towards two further failed promotion campaigns. By the time City finally returned to the top flight in 2014, he was no longer a regular first-team starter, though the demands of a gruelling season ensured he still played a key role within the squad.

Many media pundits, together with a section of City’s own fanbase, were less than convinced that the team as a whole, and King in particular, would be able to withstand the rigours of Premier League football. Indeed, for the first three-quarters of the 2014-15 season, neither team nor player did much to dispel such doubts.

But a switch to a three-man midfield, reputedly at the insistence of veteran Argentine signing Esteban Cambiasso, helped to bring a dramatic improvement in form. King rediscovered the goal touch which had appeared to desert him, and his late winner against West Ham, coupled with another strike against Swansea in the following home match, helped to provide the impetus for one of the most improbable escapes from relegation in Premier League history.

This proved to be merely the opening chapter for one of the most incredible fairytales in the history of sport, with City making light of the departures of both Cambiasso and Pearson to launch an unlikely - and ultimately successful - bid for the title.

Although King often played second fiddle to the midfield duo of Danny Drinkwater and the hitherto-unheralded N’Golo Kanté, his deployment as an auxiliary midfielder to protect crucial leads during the closing stages of many City victories throughout this heroic campaign, proved one of many masterstrokes by the maestro Claudio Ranieri.

King thus became the first (and to date, the only) player in the Premier League era to win league winners’ medals at each of the top three levels. His goal against Everton in the final home game of the Premier title season provided particular delight for the City faithful.

He managed to continue this success at international level that summer, helping Wales to reach the semi-finals of the European Championships for the first time.

However, although he featured in the Foxes' run to the Champions League quarter-finals the following season, his career suffered a distinct downturn in the subsequent years. Increasingly marginalised at Leicester, King endured a series of unsuccessful loan spells at various clubs before finally leaving the King Power Stadium in 2020, though he still managed to set a record (later surpassed by Kasper Schmeichel) as the City player with the most international appearances.

But just as it appeared King would be lost to the game, Bristol City offered him the opportunity - which he eagerly took - to rebuild his career and realise further childhood ambitions. As a consequence, during the past three seasons, he has played a significant role in the consolidation of the Robins' status as a Championship club.

As he brings down the curtain on a distinguished playing career, King can look back with pride on his numerous achievements during the past 17 years. Not only has he lived the dream, he has played a full and active part in bringing others to life.

Many in the game, whether fans or colleagues, will wish him well in whatever he chooses to do in the future.

#Premier League #Leicester City #Andy King #Wales #Bristol City #Nigel Pearson #EFL Championship

0 notes