#forces me to forget my bad feelings like they are themselves traumatic

[rubberduckyrye]

NGL guys, I think my mental health has been in the shitter ever since the elections.

I think I need to stop pretending it isn't.

[beifong-brainrot]

Thoughts on…

https://www.tumblr.com/miss-sweetea-pie/731463633376313344/zutara-lens-vs-kataang-lens?source=share

Is it fair to even mention Zuko seeing as Katara never had feelings for him?

Honestly, I find it kinda funny that OP is sorta telling on themselves by seemingly primarily viewing Jet's storyline through a shipping lens, a stepping stone for Kataang or Zutara.

But sure, let's go with this narrative.

OP claims that Jetara could be seen a foreshadowing to Zutara, as they say that Zuko ans Jet have some similarities. And I suppose that can be true on a surface level. As OP says: Rugged teenage boys with traumatic back stories. But franky, other than being mildly edgy and also having been through some sort of trauma, there's not much there.

In fact, if you compare Aang and Jet, I think you'll find many deeper similarities than just "bad boy with questionable morals".

Aang and Jet have both experienced great loss at the hands of the Fire Nation. Aang losing his entire people and Jet losing his parents and village, presumably leaving them both alone in the world and with a lovely case of survivor's guilt to boot.

Jet and Aang are both kids who were forced by the war to take up positions of responsibility over their fellow victims. Aang, of course, being the Avatar and being fated to end the war. While Jet takes up a leadership positions, persumably gathering kids orphaned and hurt by the Fire Nation, leading them and keeping them safe, while also fighting back. Let's not forget that the reason Jet decided to flood that city was because the firebenders occupying it were planning to burn the forest Jet and the Freedom Fighters resided in, forcing them out and putting them in danger.

We also see a very sweet parallel of Jet encouraging Katara's confidence in her waterbending skills, which is something Aang does on numerous occasions, showing us exactly what affection Katara values in a potential partner and that both Jet and Aang not only believe in her skills, but also intuit her needs.

This is why Katara fell for Jet and why she fell for Aang. They're both protectors and heroes of the people, they're both victims of the Fire Nation who chose to stand up against it. They're revolutionaries, rebels, downright rabble-rousers. They both value communities, and do their best to uplift and defend their fellow victims, something Katara does as well. And they both connect with Katara over not only encouraging her in her own abilities, but also in their shared trauma, which leads me to my next point.

Aang works so well paralleling Jet, because both Jet and Aang were written and posited to parallel Katara. This aspect of Jetara is one OP completely neglected to mention, I suppose due to the fact that it doesn't hoist up Zutara as a ship.

Katara and Jet connect over their trauma very early in the episode, and I think this is where Katara's interest in Jet due to his role as a Freedom Fighter turns to a genuine connection over shared trauma.

Jet: The Fire Nation killed my parents. I was only eight years old. That day changed me forever. Katara: Sokka and I lost our mother to the Fire Nation. Jet: I'm so sorry, Katara..

Katara, Jet and Aang share many similarities, which is why I suppose these two boys were Katara's only explicitly confirmed love interests. Just like Aang and Jet, Katara is community oriented, a voice for victims and the marginalised, a fighter for the good of the people.

Seeing these parallels almost makes me wonder if the design team took this into account when making Jet's design colours mainly blue and orange, colours assvociated with Katara and Aang. Though Jet's colour palette is more muted and darker, perhaps signifying the erosion of his morals due to his trauma.

Jet goes astray when he begins to value the fight over the people he is fighting for, something Aang and Katara actively go against, prioritising human life and their moral integrity.

Atla explores the concept of victimhood and how it affects our morality in various ways, especially when it comes to victims of war. The particular focus of this theme is Katara, as we see the writers often connect her to victims who lost that morality, in order to showcase her character. Hama and Jet both serve as excellent foils to show what Katara could've been if she wasn't as kind and compassionate as she is. The crowning jewel of this storyline for her being, of course, the Southern Raiders, which bears callbacks to both Jet and Hama.

But as much as I want this post to be about Katara, OP has other plans, so let's go back to their arguments for Jetara foreshadowing Zutara.

OP makes an argument about how both Zuko and Jet break Katara's trust, testing her charcter, which is a good point, albeit they conveniently omit Hama from the circle of people who connected with Katara over shared trauma and then betrayed her trust.

Can't imagine why. Is it because Hama isn't hot, isnt it? Op doesn't fancy a nice morally compromised gilf, I suppose. 😒 we used to be a proper country.

OP also claims that the show portrays Katara as too trusting, and even claims that the shows message in Jet's case is, in their words: So from a k.ataang lens it leads more towards the lesson that katara need to stop letting these “bad boys” break her heart, “dumb girl your too trusting just give the sweet guy a chance”.

Which is quite the claim, since I actually really enjoy that Katara is never portrayed as being in the wrong, or 'dumb' for trusting Jet, Zuko and Hama. In fact, the three of them are made to look like assholes for taking advantage of her.

The thing about Katara's trust of Jet, Zuko and Hama isn't that it comes from a place of foolishness or naiveté. It comes from empathy and connection. She connects over shared pain ans trauma with these three and she wants to make a connection to alleviate their pain. It just so happens that Zuko is going through his disaster boyfailure era, while Jet and Hama are morally compromised by the horrific events that brutally formed their mentalities.

Anyways, to wrap this point up, can Hama be an honourary bad boy too I think she deserves that

Another argument of OP is that Jet's death could foreshadow Zuko almost dying in the finale and that is could teach, in their words: how we waste time holding grudges and sometimes people don’t have the luxury of apologizing to the people they love.

Now, this is interesting, because Jet's death very clearly connected to Aang's actual death and then ressuraction via Deus ex Katara. However, unlike the theme of pure romance OP proposes in their post, the canon storyline uses these events to feed more into Katara's personal development and stoyline, that of her fear of loss and helplessness, on which I elaborate here:

That is not to say that this storyline doesn't affect Katara and Aangs romance, but I like that the main focus is Katara's meantality and trauma. Because the thing with Katara and Aang's storylines and development is that they intertwine and feed into each other but aren't overshadowed by their romance.

OP continues to speculate that the jetara storyline through a kataang lense is that "bad boys" will break Katara's heart and that she should just "give the nice guy a chance".

I find this a gross twisting of the nature of multiple characters, relationships and storylines.

First of all, reducing Jet to a "bad boy" is fucking demeaning and kinda disgusting. He's not an edgy boy who smokes in the school's bathroom and rides a loudass motorcycle. He's a traumatised child soldier, caring for other children and desperately trying to stop the advance of an army that already has like 3 genocides under its belt. His morals getting messed up in the process doesn't make him a bad boy, they make him a realisitic victim. A kid who tried his best but became misguided.

In the same, paragraph, OP also claims that, despite the message of the show being that everyone is capable of good and evil and that everyone deserves a chance, because people are complex, Jet is not afforded that dignity and understanding.

AND LET ME TELL YOU LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU

That was upsetting.

Because Jet's redemption was shown so wonderfully and symbolically, to the point where sometimes it makes me more emotional than Zuko's.

In B2 we see that Jet has left the forest (persumably bcs the firebenders did burn down the forest) and his entourage has shrunk to just Longshot our trans queen Smellerbee 🏳️‍⚧️. We are told that he is looking for a new life in Ba Sing Se. So far so good.

It seems that the Gaang intervening with his plans has definetly made him rethink his actions. And he's looking to start a new, kinder life. Even going so far as to remove himself from the fight against the Fire Nation, something he had previously been so passionate about, perhaps because he recognised that it brought out his uglier side. Hell yeah we love a king who can recognise his flaws and strives to better himself.

Jet: I've done some things in my past that I'm not proud of, but that's why I'm going to Ba Sing Se: for a new beginning. A second chance.

Despite not being on the frontlines anymore, he's still a hero for the people, straling food for the ferry passengers from the greedy captain. Noice. He immediately takes an interest in Zuko, assuming as many, that Zuko was a victim of the Fire Nation like him, due to Zuko's scar.

Jet: You know, as soon as I saw your scar, I knew exactly who you were. You're an outcast, like me. And us outcasts have to stick together. We have to watch each other's backs. Because no one else will.

I find this SO endearing because atla places such emphasis on the connections and solidarity between victims. And Jet is no exception to this, having taken so many children orphaned by the Fire Nation (or just orphaned as seemed to be the case with the Duke) and also connecting over being hurt by the Fire Nation with Katara, the same way he thinks he is connecting with Zuko. (Jetara and Jetko should parallel each other actually instead of Jetara and Zutara)

Now things turn south when Jet realises that Zuko and Iroh are firebenders, which while showcasing that Jet's need for redemption hasn't healed his trauma (not surprising) around the Fire Nation, I can't really blame him. Like, he's seen the worst of what firebenders can do, why on earth would he stand by and let them infiltrate the city that refugees flock to in order to escape the war. And yeah he sounds like a raving lunatic, but he is right. Zuko and Iroh are firebenders.

From then on, Jet is used as a pawn by Long Feng and the Dai Li, but he still does his best to help the Gaang, seemingly holding no grudge against them for ruining his plans of mass murder.

We see a nice lil trauma flashback of Jet's childhood trauma, giving us a tangible illustration of his motivations and pushing us to sympathise with him. We see him and Katara share a sweet moment as she literally alleviates the pain of the memories. This scene can not only be read as romantic but as another example of solidarity and support between victims in atla.

But it's in the bowels of Lake Laogai, as Aang and Jet face off against Long Feng, that we see the symbolic redemption for Jet really come to its crescendo.

Long Feng, compels Jet into fighting Aang, directly paralleling Aang and Jet's previous battle in the Jet episode. Aang is trying to solve the situation peacefully, even while Jet is trying to hurt him.

Aang: Jet, it's me, Aang! You don't have to do this! Long Feng: I'm afraid he no longer has a choice.

[...] Aang: Jet, I'm your friend! Look inside your heart! Long Feng: Do your duty, Jet! Aang: He can't make you do this! You're a Freedom Fighter!

And I can't not think how the brainwashing pushed Jet into an almost identical situation as his grief and anger did all those years ago. It's a decent comparison, I suppose. Both stem from a painful, stressful situation, influence his actions, pusging him to do things against his usual morals, turning him away from the caring, idealist Freedom fighter he is.

But this time, Jet breaks through the thing clouding his mind. He remembers himself. His trauma, his friendship and care for the freedom fighters and his connection to Katara. He sadly pays the ultimate price for this.

And while I dislike this plot point, because as a rule of thumb I dislike when a character gets a redemption arc and immediately dies or redeems themself by dying, but I can appreciate this scene for how it defined puts a lot of care into showing us the change in Jet, his perception by the gaang and his role in the story.

Katara tries to heal Jet, but is pessimistic(in the commentary of this episode, it's mentioned that there could be a few explanations as to why she didn't use the spirit water.) Here, Jet urges Katara and the Gaang to go find Appa, leaving him to essentially die.

And it's as the Gaang leave, we can compare the ends of the two Jet storylines. In Jet, the last time we look upon Jet's face, it is twisted by anger and rage. In Lake Laogai, he wears a sad, but reassuring smile, and somehow looks at peace.

When Katara first had to leave him in Jet, her expression is one of betrayal and disappointment. In Lake Laogai, she looks to be preparing to grieve, almost as if she were trying to hold back tears. She's conflicted and sad in both scenes, but for different reasons, showing how Jet has redeemed himself in her eyes.

Where in Jet, we leave Jet disgraced and in turmoil, in Lake Laogai we leave him dying, yes, but also a hero, kind and brave, and free. And I like to believe that the second is the real Jet.

Ok this just turned into me gushing over jet, but I think this was important to highlight the significance and uniqueness of Jet and Katara's relationship. Presenting it as "the proto-Zutara" is a disservice to this complex, heartwrenching storyline. And that was kinda gross of OP. Shame on them.

I also think OP is mistaken by labelling Aang as just the "nice guy" whom Katara should "give a chance to". Aang is indeed a nice, kind person and this is something that attracts Katara, because she's also a good person and she values such traits. But this is not the only reason Katara falls for Aang. Like with Jet, she connects with him over shared trauma. He enables her growth, respects her as a teacher, offers her comfort when needed, is her friend and supporter.

Katara is not "giving him a chance" their relation simply progresses very slowly and in a slightly unorthodox manner. We see that Katara has a growing crush on Aang, blushing over him and getting incredibly jealous when other girls try to get with him.

I also like that Aang and Jet are never pitted against each other and Aang is never jealous of Jet. In fact Aang seems almost just as infatuated with Jet as Katara lol (jetaang rights babey).

OP also claims that a lot of people misinterpret TSR as Katara being manipulated by Zuko and "needing Nice Guy Aang to save her". Which is something I've talked about a few times. I don't believe Zuko was consciously manipulating Katara. He was simply trying to build a relationship with her because she was very adamant on hating him. And because he didn't know her that well, he tried to help by projecting his own needs and anger over his mother's loss onto her. Which is very 16 year old boy of him.

And I don't believe Aang was even trying to "save" her. I think he was simply trying to help Katara think through her actions throughly before she did something rash that may haunt her forever.

Aang bringing up Jet also seemed more like a : "hey remember when we saw a guy betray his morals due to his grief pain and trauma despite being a kind and good person with an good goal?" Which I think is a kinda understandable thing since it happened like twice to them already. And remember that Aang has also experienced how destructive his anger can be and he knows Katara's morality and idealism well enough to know that what she is planning is way out of character.

OP tags this post with "I swear zutara gives the show so much more depth" and while I don't want to deride the ship as a whole, the themes and storylines OP gave don't really bring that much depth into the show. It simply repurposes the arcs and storylines that served to either explore Katara, or the concept of victimhood and morality into serving a romance.

Which is... fine, if that's what you consider deep I suppose. I just think it's obvious that OP had clear biases when coming up with their post. And like, biases are fine, we're writing meta about a kid's show not a fucking reseaech paper, I'd be a hypocrite if I called OP out on having preferences.

But it's obvious that OP did their darndest to present Kataang in the least favourable light and didn't even try to consider giving it a shred of anything but a cursory, critical glance.

If I were to talk about their "Jetara foreshadowing Zutara" idea with its "bittersweet lesson how we waste time holding grudges and sometimes people don’t have the luxury of apologizing to the people they love" like they talk about Kataang, I could say (altering OP's text here):

"So from a Zutara lens it leads more towards the lesson that katara need to stop holding a grudge towards these boys who hurt and used her, “dumb girl you need to forgive them quickly cause what if they suddenly die and you realise you love them and regret it“ .

...which sounds like some manner of abuse apologism. I don't think OP had this in mind, but it just shows how easy it is to paint a benign message into something shitty if you're just salty enough.

I think that wraps this up. I can vaguely understand what OP meant, and it's a cute concept for Zutara shippers, I just don't know why Kataang slander had to get dragged in here. Since while OP seems fairly invested in Zuko, they visibly have a little issue giving thought to Katara, Aang and Jet's storylines.

Which is sad, especially in Jet's case, since he doesn't get nearly enough love from the fandom. So here's the little note from the atla cookbook that made me really emotional over Jet lol

HE COOKED FOR THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS AGH OUGH AGH

[grilledcheese-savage]

Is Animorphs Ableist?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Look, some of the people on this site genuinely scare me. Their leftism goes so radical that it goes back around to being somehow right wing. There's some real puritanism that's going on that I'm not liking AT ALL. Listen, you can and should think about media critically, and I'm sure there's some things to be said about the way the auxillary morphs are handled. But as someone who is disabled and is a wheelchair user, I feel I'm obligated to defend this series choices.

I believe books should always be able to portray heavy topics, especially when it comes to books about war. Because what is Animorphs if not a book about war? In war bad things happen. People are used. People are broken. People are thrown away. Not once does Animorphs portray these things as a morally good thing to do. In fact, I'd say Animorphs makes you stare right at the disgusting, morally corrupt, real situations that happen in war, so you don't forget them when it comes to vote.

War creates disabled people. There's no way around it. Either you're a veteran, traumatized by the things you've seen, lost a limb etc. being treated as cannon fodder (where the word comes from) or a civilian who was caught in the crossfire. No matter how justified the war, good people get hurt. People get hurt. Not once does Animorphs try to portray it as something that's worth the end goal. I think this is where people get confused. Animorphs is a first person story. You are being spoken to by an unreliable narrator and in the last book where arguably the most "ableist things" are said and done, you aren't just being spoken to by kid; you're being spoken to by a captain. The context surrounding the situation can be easily forgotten seeing as the book is 20+ years old, but Jake isn't a "good person" he's a ruthless soldier trying to see the a-z. That ruthless end goal that can save the greater public. SPOILERS INCOMING IF YOU HAVENT READ ANIMORPHS PLS DO ITS FREE ONLINE: Jake says it himself in one of the most famous lines in the book "It took my breath away, the pure, ruthless perfection of it.

-All i had to do was send my friends to die."

What he said isn't a good thing. Arguing that the author or creators wanted you to take "kill your friends, end a war!" away as a message from the book is being willfully ignorant. Jake just saw his parents be taken over by aliens, while all his friends got theirs back. He lost everything and he's depressed because deep down he knows he will have to kill his brother to end this war. All he can do is focus on ending this war. And then he sees it. The end.

Killing the auxillary morphs (disabled child soldiers) and committing mass genocide on his enemies. When he decides to follow through with this plan we see him lie to the only person he has left to love (and might I add, a symbol of humanity, empathy and hope) Cassie, and watch her cry in agony as she's forced to watch all the soldiers she trained, loved and by proxy sent to die, be killed one by one excruciatingly. We are supposed to feel bad reading this. Yes it ends the war. But it leaves us the audience with the question, was it worth it? If you take empathy out of the equation, yes you could argue it was worth it. But Cassie is empathy. It wasn't worth it to her. She is who we are supposed to connect with in this scenario.

Another situation I see people argue as ableist- that the yeerks are supposed to be metaphors for disabled fascist nazis. No. Thats not even close to the truth.

The yeerks are creatures that cannot hear, see, or feel very well when they are just themselves. They are entirely intelligent beings with the capability to communicate and empathize. Yeerks are not inherently evil beings. There's no such thing. This is why The Departure was written. The Yeerk empire for the majority of the books is written to be inseparable with yeerks themselves, and again, that is because the story is written in first person. Canonically, the animorphs view yeerks as evil, inhuman things that are irredeemable so it's easier for them to sleep at night. That's why when cassie talks to a yeerk who sees things differently than the empire, the animorphs are immediately suspicious, and get downright angry when Cassie first tries to explain to them that there are good yeerks.

When people try to compare the yeerk empire to real life wars and genocides, it makes me frustrated. Yes, they share similarites. But by saying that yeerks are just "nazis" you are missing out on some really good writing and at the same time shrinking the impact of those horrifying real life tragedies by comparing them to a kids book. But If I HAD to compare them to a real life scenario to make you understand, I probably would compare them to russia. Because the Russians in the ukranian war aren't evil. They are people stuck in a horrible system. When cassie finds out the yeerk she's stuck with doesn't want to be in this war, she uses COMPASSION to create a league of symbiotic yeerk-morpher sympathizers. She LITERALLY steps in their shoes by morphing into a yeerk against her greater fears. Ok, this post is getting very cassie focused for some reason but the point is- They arent trying to say that being disabled is an "excuse for committing war crimes", because the yeerks aren't disabled. They aren't even a metaphor for being disabled. In fact, the yeerks were shown in the prequels that they would've been perfectly fine with their symbiotic relationships on their original planet if someone didn't start the empire, using exploration as an excuse for colonization. That's how most empires start I'd argue.

Basically, calling them all nazis is a gross generalization of the true meaning of the series. Now that I'm done with showing why I dont agree with those opinions, here's some reasons why I think animorphs is actually very pro-disabled activism.

In book 41, Jake goes through a traumatic mission and hallucinates another dimension where the yeerks won. In this world, he sees what the empire does to disabled people. The yeerk empire is ableist, and shoves all their disabled people that cant be used as hosts into a dirty alley to die. When one of the people there ask him if he's supposed to be there (this is a police state) he says yes, and internally monologues about how his trauma currently disables him. If you read it, its very ahead of it's time. The yeerks have "no use of disabled people". So what do they do? They forget about them, ignore their needs, and mistreat them just like reality. And in the 90s, mental health being taken seriously as a disability was still a very young idea.

When the auxillary morphs are first created, Cassie was the first one to come up with the idea of "using disabled people as soldiers since they wont be infested" and instantly dismisses it. She thinks it's morally corrupt but is convinced into talking to them after one of the other morphs explains that they cant do this alone and they should at least have a choice, which, in my opinion is pretty progressive. It does not stay progressive of course, since the animorphs are on and off used as a metaphor for the american military. When they get there, they give false promises that some of them might be healed if they gained their disability in an accident. In my opinion, this could be a metaphor for how the military gives people the option to join in exchange for free education. Then after people fight and gain disabilities, some of them cant go to school and cant even find a job. I think again, this is a progressive idea about how the military is a gamble, because as soon as they gain the morphing abilities, whether or not it heals their human form, they still have to be soldiers. They were doomed from the start.

The military can and will forget about their own as soon as they arent able to fight. How is animorphs portraying this a bad thing? In fact, personally I think the disabled characters were good representation but thats a rant for another day.

I know a lot people can be very black and white when it comes to media but please give animorphs a chance because it's not even close to being ableist.

[angelosearch]

okay had this thought in my head for awhile just wanted to put it down somewhere. This is me trying to apply psychology/neurology/therapy concepts to the GF game mechanic.

Gaurdian Forces. They provide incredible power, increased defense, amazing abilities, and super attacks. In exchange, they occupy the part of the brain that handles memory (and I would argue specifically long-term memory).

In real life, when you encounter a scenario that triggers your amygdala (flight or fight response), your amygdala hijacks the rest of your brain as it is focusing on just keeping you alive in that moment. Sometimes that means you develop a memory of the scenario that is crystal clear, as you had focus on specifc things in the moment to stay safe. But other times it can result in ineffective storage of memories - they are fragmented or impaired.

So in FF8, these child soldiers are being asked to trigger there amygdala on a daily basis with combat. Children are already traumatized more easily because they have less context of what a threat is. Is it that summoning the gfs make you forget, or are you breaking your brain being forced into fight-or-flight scenarios because you have gfs equipped so you are physically strong enough to face those battles?

Alternately...

In the therapy modality of Internal Family Systems (IFS), clients identify 'parts' of themselves. Like "part of me is angry about this, part of me feels ashamed of this," etc. Some of these 'parts' play a bigger role than others. These are called the 'Protectors' and they are parts you develop to keep you 'safe.' (Mentally or physically.) Protectors are basically our internal coping skills, good or bad. A certain Protector may make sense when you were in one unsafe scenario, but now that you're out of it, that coping skill may be holding you back in your present situation.

ANYWAY, Protectors can take the form of blocking memories. These Protectors can give you "strength" and save you from being vulernable, but at what cost?

Your memories.

Anyway I guess the point of this ramble is Squall is the strongest because he's the most traumatized.

[uncle-fruity]

There are probably a lot of people who think they've won an argument or "got me" because I don't tend to respond when people try to argue with me online.

I used to be online arguing with people all the time. I still like to post about things that get me fired up, though I'm less likely to go all-in on a conversation unless it really seems like the person I'm talking to is capable of reasonable conversation. (And even then I sometimes forget or don't have time to respond.) I prefer to say my piece on my own terms and if another person chimes in to clown, I'm usually just not having it. I have a couple reasons for this.

It's miserable arguing with people all day. It's a traumatic thing for me, because my family was always arguing and fighting and bullying people around them all the time. I was trying not to be like them, trying not to catch their ire, trying to just be a little guy who liked nature and who read books and who generally stayed out of sight as much as I could when they were in a bad mood. And, of course, sometimes I was forced to fight back or speak up or argue with them even though I did my best not to. I have completely cut that part of my family out of my life. So to then go online and pick fights or trade insults and get myself so angry my heart is racing just feels counterproductive and negating all the hard work I went through to get away from those people. I was a worse person for it, and I have no desire to be that negative force unless it is truly important. Targeted anger is better than constant raging. And I'm sorry, but online interactions are just not where I should be spending my spoons.

I remember where I was emotionally when my worldview radically shifted, and a lot of the people looking to argue are repeating the same unhealthy habits that I once had. Arguing as self harm. Arguing as a way to establish yourself amongst the chaos and horror that is the State of Things These Days, What With All the Oppression and Suffering and Profit Hungry Power Grabs. Arguing to prove to yourself that you're doing something -- even something small -- to rail against the system & the culture of hatred. Arguing because people push your buttons and you feel the need to defend the things and the people that you love. Arguing yourself ragged until you have no energy or joy for anything that actually matters. ... I am not going to be the person who enables that kind of thing for someone else, if I can help it. I know it won't stop them from arguing until they realize it for themselves, but they'll have each other to insult and dehumanize. I don't have to stick around to see how it plays out.

Relatedly, I have more stuff to focus on offline that matter more than arguing my right to exist and define myself. If I use all my spoons getting into the material reality of transgender people existing & being worthy of existing, then I won't have enough energy to organize a queer community art group. I won't have energy to write and work on my comics. I won't have time to make kissy faces at my partner and my cats. I won't have time to try out new recipes to share with my friends. I would be foolish to spend my time countering bullshit in my notifications, because the people who matter most already agree with me on the important things, or at least have good discussions with me when we disagree. I already lost a handful of years to internet/social media based depression & anxiety. I don't want to go back.

It feels dehumanizing. People hurl insults that are barely even related to you based on their own weird stereotypes cooked up on whatever corner of the internet they live on. It can't even get a rise out of me because it's just... not relevant to anything about me. Like "insulting my intelligence for being blonde, except I have black hair" kind of obviously not about me (& not even based in fact to begin with even if I did qualify). What is the point of talking to someone like that? Why validate their thirst to argue when all they have to offer is Fox News levels of misinformation and a vitriolic attitude? Or when people insist you don't understand your experiences as well as they do when you *know* that they only know you as the small square image of a man with a raspberry head against a pink background who represents a stereotype they want to reinforce to prove a half-baked theory they've come up with about how you exist in society. They'll use academic (and pseudo academic) terms and categories to refer to you without ever even learning your name. And then they say they're the ones fighting for justice and who are the morally superior ones. They are fooling themselves, and I think many of them never see other users as anything more than a collection of pixels & a cog in the machine. But we are all complex humans with intricate lives and most of us are just trying to get by in a harsh world. The extent of human experience is vast and probably beyond the scope of understanding & learning for most people. If we are to get along and build a better world, then we have to approach each other with grace and be committed to community and lifting each other up and hearing each other out with a baseline respect. If we want justice for everyone, then we cannot afford to tear each other down. If that's not the goal, then our goals aren't aligned & it's not worth my time to convince randos from the internet. It is much easier to connect with someone and see them as a full person offline. It is better to have important conversations where there are stakes and meaningful connections that have already been established. It is harder to insist on a stereotype when the person you are face to face with clearly defies it. When humanity is established, it's a lot harder to write off the person you're arguing with.

And, finally, the one that maybe is a little paranoid/least grounded in hard evidence or fact or reason, but I think a fair precaution considering The Real Challenges and Horrors of Historical Civil Rights Movements. I learned about COINTELPRO at some point in my 20s. I also grew up at a time when you weren't supposed to tell people who you really were online & so much of your data wasn't connected to every website you joined, so you could pretend to be anyone if you wanted to. I pretended to be a 15-year-old boy named James when I was 12 and role-playing with people. I like that Tumblr doesn't demand as much identifying information because I'm more comfortable that way, though the information I *do* share is true these days. But I guess what I'm saying is that you *can* pretend to be just anyone on Tumblr if you want to. I *know* that there is historical precedence for infiltration of a group of marginalized folks fighting for their rights and sowing discourse and distrust to weaken the movement. So if the only thing a person is bringing to the table is bad faith logicfucked bullshit designed to push our buttons, I'm just going to assume that's a fed. That's someone I do not need to entertain or embrace as a peer. And usually I reason with myself that it's just a real person with a much different and oppositional worldview to mine. But as far as I'm concerned, that's just carelessly helping the feds and I'm not about that life. That's why I tend to block anyone who's really toxic or dismissive & stubbornly misinformed. We don't need that.

And then there are good faith discussions I have from time to time that are actually decent. There are times when I wish I had more energy to properly educate people and gather sources of all the things I've read and learned about. Most of the time, I "abandon" those conversations because I get overwhelmed with tasks & completely forget to respond or follow up. Those are the ones I regret not answering properly, but the point about needing the spoons for things offline still holds. I'm just not a very active user outside of casual reblogs and a comment or two here and there.

Anyway, I guess this isn't about anything or anyone in particular. I was just thinking about it & figured I'd share my mindset with the Tumblr void. And to encourage folks to really consider who you're arguing with and why you're arguing and if the arguing serves the goals you're working towards more than something else you could put that energy into. I'm not saying to never get into it & I assume people's tolerance for it is higher than mine, but I am saying that you should think about when and why you argue. I am definitely saying that it's good to have clear boundaries that you will hold yourself to. This stuff can get toxic and destroy your health something fierce. Be careful out here.

[moonrisecoeur]

hey there!! i’m attempting to post this content for like the seventh time now and i’m just annoyed more than anything. this post will be the content warning for it and i’ll just post it separately as kind of like a long blurb thing. sorry i was trying to be cute but i suppose tumblr hates me <3

here’s a link to take you to the actual fic <3

a/n: this text is a collection of my thoughts while i was at work yesterday about leon having a yandere partner. this isn’t really like a coherent story, just a bunch of rambles and thoughts. i don’t think i did the term yandere justice tho lol. more notes at the end of the tags!

word count: 2.8k

content: sub!leon x yandere!reader. no pronouns for reader, no body parts described, everyone wants leon, mentions of bondage and body writing. less about sub!leon and more leon grappling with what to do with his obsessed lover.

warnings: blood, reader killing 2+ random unnamed people, toxic relationship dynamic (reader is loving and kind to him but it’s still really bad), dubcon (he wants it but he’s a little hesitant with the whole murder thing)

this is just a reminder that abuse in any form is not okay. just because you’re not hitting your partner or verbally degrading them does not mean you’re not abusing them.

this text describes the reader as violent and cruel to other people, and if we forget what they do to others, their relationship’s power dynamic with leon is completely skewed. the reader makes him believe they are the only one who will love him and care for him when he has flashbacks to traumatic memories. additionally, they isolate him from the other people in his life. again, this is not flashy, in-your-face abusive. but is important to recognize that this fact really does not matter. abuse is abuse.

when the reader is the active character performing acts of abuse or nonconsent in fantasy scenarios, we have a responsibility as adults choosing to consume this type of media to recognize reality from fiction and remind ourselves this is not how you approach relationships in real life, even more so than when the reader is the passive character having things done to themselves. it is okay to enjoy this concept as a fantasy (i had fun writing it! so i hope you enjoy it!) but do remember it is not real and should not be real.

this post contains no glaringly obvious non consent, there is no struggle nor force and no influence of drugs or alcohol, but i thought i’d touch on it anyway. there’s a moment of dubiousness as leon is hesitant to ‘give in’ because the reader just killed two people. obviously, i don’t advise or endorse murder. what i’m getting at though is that leon or anyone in that position could feel like they didn’t have a choice but to do what the other person says out of fear. that breaks the ‘freely given’ pillar of consent and automatically means it’s not consensual. your and others consent in real life should be respected and abided by at all times.

thank u for reading u are so sweet for doing so <3

[kitsaystransrights]

Okay I’m starting a new series on here called “I just finished this game” where I gush about a game I just finished.

Anyway, if you’re a fan of musicals, visual novels, or Greek mythology, you NEED to play Stray Gods.

If you haven’t heard of it before, Stray Gods is a visual novel with branching story routes, but it has the twist of also being a musical! Many of the game’s major choices take place in the songs themselves, and the songs will actually changed based on your decisions! Each song has numerous different permutations based on around 3-5 choices in each one. I recommend checking out Challenging a Queen, one of the early game songs that’s relatively light on spoilers, to see how some of the choices really add some spice to the game and weave through the songs.

The game’s story just follows Grace, a 20-something girl who witnesses the death of Calliope, the Last Muse, and to make matters worse, she has inherited her powers and role. The Chorus, leaders of the remaining Greek gods (known as Idols), give Grace one week to prove her innocence before she is executed, and the line of Calliope is gone forever.

Accompanying her on this journey are a variety of gods, monsters, and her mortal (strictly platonic… strictly) roommate, Freddie. The cast of Stray Gods is easily its best aspect, full of lovable and complex characters, leaving you laughing a lot, sobbing sometimes, and sometimes not knowing who to trust. And when it’s backed up by a fantastic voice cast, and nearly every character getting their own song if not multiple, I’d be astounded if you managed to get through the game without getting attached to SOMEONE lol.

(For the record, my favorite characters are Freddie, Persephone, and Aphrodite hehe)

And of course, what’s a musical without its music? The soundtrack of Stray Gods is absolutely incredible, even beyond the incredible amount of work and dedication it took to integrate so many variations of all the songs in the game. Lots of variety with the genre, sometimes even changing in the middle of a song! If I haaad to pick a few favorites, I suppose it’d be The Ritual, Look Into Me, and If Only. I’m a sucker for the emotional songs, but Look Into Me is suuuuuch a banger, it feels so threatening and I LOVE it.

OKAY now I’m gonna gush about my favorite parts of the story and get all spoilery so if you don’t want to be spoiled, DON’T KEEP READING! Go play the game yourself! Iirc it’s on all current platforms. Enjoy :)

So HOLY SHIT APHRODITE’S SONG HIT ME LIKE A BRICK??? I love the moral dilemma her whole cycle of rebirth puts you in, deciding whether to honor her wishes and let her die again or to convince her to find peace in life rather than trying to forget. I tried SO HARD to save her without forcing her and she ended up passing on anyways.

Persephone’s character is also SOOOO well done here, the reinterpretation of her story where she kills Hades is a fantastic direction to take her character. She ended up being my main investigative partner for the game and I did NOT regret it. I almost ended up romancing her, and I definitely will on my next playthrough, but I didn’t this time because of…

Freddie!!! Freddie absolutely rules and is my favorite character in the whole game. Mortal Greek mythology nerd who is super gay and wears a cool hat, how could I NOT love her??? My heart was completely torn to shreds when she died, and even though I knew she had to be able to come back somehow because you could romance her, the fury it raised in me made me blaze through the last four hours of the game and finish it in one sitting XD.

And JEEZ the way they let you bring her back is so well done. It’s not outright good or bad, it’s complex! Freddie and Grace are both traumatized by her death and resurrection, and the fact that you went against Freddie’s wishes and passed the line of Calliope onto her just makes it even more interesting from a storytelling perspective. It’s part of what makes If Only one of my favorite songs in the game. And of course, I’m a sucker for stories of unrequited love like Freddie’s is for Grace and now I’m gonna feel so guilty romancing anyone else 😭. Freddie is so relatable istg.

Anyways uuuuuh that’s all I have to say, maybe I’ll do a full review on my YouTube? Thanks for checking this post out tho! Okay bye :)

[cissyenthusiast010155]

hi! i really need to write down my thoughts right now, but i also need someone to read this, so i figured you’d be the right person

it’s about 2:30 a.m. and i know i probably shouldn’t trust the thoughts that come up after midnight too much but i just can’t help but feel like i’m the most unlovable person to ever exist. and i’m not only talking romantic partners (that i obviously don’t have lol), but also friends and family. i’m no one’s first choice, not even second or third, i’m the one that gets picked if there’s no better option available. it’s always been that way and i don’t know why that is and i don’t know how to fix it…i know i can’t force others to love me. i always ask myself whether it’s the way i look or the way i act that makes people think: ugh no not her…or do i just give off the wrong vibes? but like there’s not much i can change about that as well and i don’t even know if i want to change myself.

i’ve been told that i should give it time and that eventually everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to…but what if it doesn’t? i want nothing more than a partner that i can give all my love to, that i can be gentle with, that i can be vulnerable with, that i can be committed to…but what if that’s not in store for me? do i just…move on? forget about it? but how will i move on if the thing i crave most is genuine human connection?

i don’t know…i think in the end it’s just me feeling so incredibly alone while other people around me seem happy and are someone’s number one priority. if something happened right now, good or bad, i’d have no one to call and that just makes me so sad to think about.

anyways, i will stop my rambling, thank you for taking the time to read this. i’m not sure if this even makes sense because i feel like i can barely string two sentences together right now, but still thank you! <3

-🐛

{Let’s Talk Loneliness and Feeling Loved…}

Hey heyy anon…!! First off, I am so proud of you for reaching out. Such a brave and vulnerable thing to do. Thank you for sharing. Second, everything you have said here is extremely valid. I want you to remember that. Remember that you and your feelings are valid. ♥️

Yes, as you said, it probably is not best to listen and believe your 2:30am thoughts. You’re most likely tired and not thinking thoroughly…. When you start feeling overwhelmed that late or early, try some techniques to comfort and calm yourself down. Maybe a cold shower or a hot bath (vice versa too), maybe some tea, or sometimes simply going to bed can be helpful to give yourself a kind of reset.

*sigh* I am sorry to hear that you feel unlovable, dear anon… In all aspects. I understand the feeling. Your feelings and experiences are extremely valid. You say that you’re never the first option, usually the last remaining one, and I am so sorry for you.

So you asked, are you unlovable, why do you feel so unlovable and how can you fix it?

Well for one, you are not unlovable. You at your core, as human being, are capable of love (unless you’re a psychopath or sociopath, but this is an aside). However, it is possible for trauma or for the person themselves to hinder their capability of love. This can happen sometimes when said person has been hurt, scarred, or traumatized in the past, so they put up walls to keep from being hurt. If you think this is possible for you, I highly recommend you seek professional help to accept, process, and heal from your trauma.

Second, you most likely feel unlovable because of the constant negative reassurance and the negative mindset you have around your lovability. When you have people constantly not choosing you, or people telling you that you’re unlovable, or you telling yourself that you’re unlovable, that affects you. And in turn, you will begin to believe it. Try to shift your mindset. Remind yourself that you can be loved. That you will be loved.

The most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself. If you can’t love yourself, how can you expect others to love you. So think about your relationship with yourself. How can you improve it? How can you love yourself better? This is the first big step in healing from your feelings of being unlovable.

If people don’t like the way you look or your vibe, then they are not the people for you. Present yourself to the world in your most authentic and honest way of being, and the people who are worth your time will find you and you will find them.

Don’t move on or forget. That will lead you to neglect and ignore you and your human need for social connection. Instead, focus in on what you want to improve about yourself. Reflect the people you want to attract in your way of being.

But at the same time, don’t give it more attention than it deserves and needs. If you under-feed a plant or if you over-feed it, it can die nonetheless, no matter which method. You want to strive for moderation.

I’m sorry you feel alone. ♥️ I relate to those feelings of severe loneliness. I would remind you of these things: People aren’t what they appear, most people aren’t as happy as they appear. Let yourself be your main priority, if you don’t put yourself first, others won’t either. And lastly, reach out, don’t wait for others to pick you, pick them out first.

Of course, I am happy to take the time for you anon because you are worth it ♥️♥️. It all made absolute sense. You articulated yourself well. Thank you again for reaching out!! Don’t hesitate to reach out again and again, I’ll always be here to listen and give my two cents. Hope you have a lovely day/night!! 💞💞💞

Talk with Me ❤️‍🔥

[talkethtothehandeth]

hi, i hope it's okay for me to bring up something in your carrd to warn you about. it's a really bad idea to put the usa suicide hotline up as a resource because i and other mentally ill people have been hurt by it. anyone who reaches out for help will be very unpleasantly surprised by the operator actually sending the cops to your house despite not seemingly intending to in order to "make sure" you go to the hospital just for contemplating thoughts of self-harm alone. we have been traumatized by being kept at wards involuntarily, especially wrt the painfully unsafe and uncomfortable furniture, as well as abusive staff who punish(ed) us for being scared and wanting help... or, y'know, actual treatment. maybe this is just me and my bias as an anti-psych activist but i'm speaking from my own, as well as others', experiences (and i can only imagine how physically disabled people are treated with disrespect). also, i apologize but i don't have any good alternatives to replace the link with instead, so i hope you don't discard my criticism. i simply don't want this to happen to anyone else who might wish to reach out through your well-intentioned advice. please take this message in good faith and have a good night.

TW suicide/suicidal ideation

Howdy!

You’re absolutely not overstepping by sharing this and the negative experiences/feelings you have regarding the subject of using a hotline. Though my blog focuses more on physical disabilities, I am diagnosed with multiple mental disorders that aren’t my autism and adhd, including bipolar type two, anxiety— which might be OCD, and a different personality disorder which I don’t talk about much due to demonization and stigmatization of it, it also isn’t something I’ve fully accepted myself, but that’s another post. I hear you and recognize the harm that psychiatrists/institutions have inflicted on people. I also am aware that these resources, regardless of the negative aspects (which, let’s be honest, there are a lot) are some of the only options that people have.

My psychiatrist/therapist’s [I’m forgetting the exact word for the building] has a crisis line, and the second thing I was told when the number was given to me, the number that can be reached whenever, was that if they think I’m in immediate danger, they would send the police to my house. I’ve come very close to getting into a ward, but I’ve never been forced into one. I am incredibly thankful for that as I know I probably wouldn’t receive adequate pain care there, but just because I haven’t been forced into one doesn’t mean that others haven’t, as you said.

I’ve kept it there because it should be an option still, I’ve had to call multiple times before and I’ve had some good interactions and some not good interactions, I am scared that they will do the same, which is allowing cops into a situation they are not adequately trained for. However, through this, I know that this hotline has still helped people, and has the crisis text line. I don’t want to take it away, but I think I should try to figure out a way to like, explain the potential risks. Everyone is allowed to make the choice for themselves about whether they want to seek outside help in order to aid in their times of distress. I text the crisis line, but many a times, especially during the late nights, they do not answer. Some of them are not helpful, but others are and it’s at times enough to just talk about things. I tell people I have suicidal thoughts, but not a plan, because no matter how much my brain tries to convince me I want to be dead, I understand that this is part of my disorder. There have been times when I’ve tried to take my life, too.

I hear you, and do not devalue your criticism based on your personal experiences, or the experiences of others. It seems to be a “hit or miss” kind of thing when it comes to psychiatric care, and I feel it is similar to us who are also physically disabled. Even though I’ve had some very bad experiences and have been mistreated (to say the absolute least) I’ve still found physicians and nurses who do treat their patients with dignity and respect. And just because I’ve had a few good experiences, it doesn’t mean that suddenly my medical trauma is wiped away.

It is saddening to know how rare it is to have these good encounters, especially with someone whose job it is to help care for something as significant as mental illness. And I feel the same for doctors being horrible about physical disabilities. Additionally, and rewording what I mentioned just in the other paragraph, these options should still exist for people to have the choice of pursuing a hotline, a doctor, or any sort of health care treatment. They can decide if they want to try, just as others can decide that it isn’t for them, whether it be from personal or outside experiences.

My page is welcome to criticism, I keep my anon and messaging open that way those who want to say something can. The one and only time I dismiss “critics” is when people send in nasty messages (like suicide bait). You are not wrong or bad for defending/supporting your position, and I never will take away the validity of other’s experiences just because mine have been different.

TL;DR: I absolutely agree that the mental health field is not as it should be, I agree it can be just as rotten and misguided (those are understatements) or even worse than how doctors who treat physically disabled patients. However, I do believe that keeping these resources can also be beneficial to a person, who is ultimately making a decision whether or not to utilize what is available. I do not support the incorporation of police in mental health situations, and I firmly believe that improper psychiatric care, just as physical care, can be detrimental to people. I understand the negative impacts, and as you mentioned, you (generalized) don’t have a good alternative. Until I am able to find one, I keep this in my carrd.

[chelseyelricjr]

I wholeheartedly cosign because if people can't release their darkest, craziest, most random, most sexual, wildest, fantastical, depraved and confused selves in the safe space that is fiction, where can they? I always think this sort of thinking is childish or naive because bad things will happen whether it's easily found or not. Plain and simple. Just because you don't actively know about it, that doesn't make the "bad things" go away.

Humans are all complicated with their own thoughts and feelings and physical conditions and mental states. The human brain is a literal super computer that tries it's hardest to prepare for any eventuality or do passive mental exercises that don't get constrained to what's "legal". Sorry if that's hard to hear for someone but it's true. No one can flex a muscle to stop the bad thoughts (tm). Many people don't have others they feel they can talk to about these things, can't afford therapy, don't feel like they belong with the people they interact with most, are afraid of or disgusted with themselves, etc. The only place they can turn is fiction.

That sort of "everyone should just be good and think good and do good all the time, especially MY kind of good" thinking is what creates extremes, worst case scenarios and seriously disturbed individuals irl. As in, in real life. Where real people live and can be impacted or harmed or traumatized or whatever you can think of.

Most people can't work through traumas and nightmares and kinks and daydreams and religion and moral questioning safely if not in fiction. Kids that don't have safe spaces to experiment end up with extreme views and can possibly can harm themself or others. Someone with a worrying fetish that expresses it in stories or art may not then seek to actually force those fantasies on others in reality. Someone who's attracted to a traditionally bad sort of person depicted in media won't have a chance to understand why they may seek that sort of person out in fiction but not in real world relationships. Someone can't explore if they may not be straight without judgement etc. etc. all the way down.

I would much rather a person draw or write or say something I'm personally uncomfortable with then hear about a rising statistic due to repression. This coming from a person who was raised in very strict religious spaces, seen friends and others with similar religious upbringing go absolutely insane once given any sort of freedom, dealt with many horrible types of traumas and am still saddled with overwhelming guilt for just existing.

Fiction is where I can forget and only feel the kind of different I want to feel. Don't tell me or others that you don't like what we do or believe. Just use filters. Period.

"You can't ship that!"

lol what are you gonna do, climb inside my mind and shut off the imagination switch?

[tomb-the-mod]

okie so I'm half way through the third episode of taocc and I have a theory (skip to the very bottom if you don't have much time)

THE CIRCUS ISN'T MADE FOR FUN. JUST HEAR ME OUT.

Like Zooble said everyone has a different trait for their personality.

Gangle is too shy for herself

Jax is just a dick

Ragatha is a mother figure and can't bring herself to break cains heart by saying the adventures are bad

Kinger is just. Mentally lost.

And Zooble oh zooble zooble zooble, like they said they don't like themselves for who they are and they just want to have something about them that feels good, in the type of way that means "I don't like my body, I want to feel better about it" but they cant change.

Pomni is traumatized. But notice where I went off at Zooble right?

Ok so heres the actual theory part of this

The reason they're here isn't to have fun in an eternal world where no matter what they cant die. They're here to realize that they have to somehow get used to their uncomfort and flaws. In the real world the crew are still humans, they're just playing a vr game to help them learn to love what they hate like how Zooble hates their body so Zooble is having to learn how to love it. We can back that up by Zooble saying, quote "Everytime I try to tell you you just forget" meaning that the coding in Caine is trying to force Zooble to like themself. With Pomni, they're being forced to love being out of their comfort zone that they lived in for their whole life by getting hugged, touched, scared, hurt, having to go on the adventures and being the center of attention. Kinger has already gotten used to his uncomfort by learning how to love bugs (not sure on this one but I saw a Tumblr post about it) so he's already "mentally lost" which is actually just him getting used to hating bugs but hasn't escaped yet or died yet since he still has to learn about his memory situation (and the bucket). He loves them now and can't abstract now since he's learned. For Gangle, she has to learn how to start loving her mental disability which is most likely some sort of multiple personality disease or being unable to properly control her emotions and having to either learn to accept and love that or try and fix it. Jax is helping Caine so he's still on the npc theory, just helping Caine get the job done faster and more humaine like somehow.

So why did everyone else abstract? Because they couldn't learn how to properly love themselves for who they are and the person who put on the headset quit their attempt causing the character to snap and abstract (i.e. Kaufmo for example (is that how you spell it?) not being able to learn how to love getting rejected or not learning how to deal with realizing he's around the wrong people and his player who controlled him quit the vr game and he abstracted)

also also, on the Jax is an NPC theory we know that Gummigoo from ep2 didn't have a problem, he was an npc with a pretty much perfect backstory and life (this also helped Pomni get out of her comfort zone by allowing herself to be a somewhat center of attention or big help by simply helping Gummigoo make a new friend!!). Now looking back at Jax, just look at him! He has no clear problem and its been 3 whole episodes with about an hour or so of content total and Jax still has zero problems to have to learn to love or deal with. Like Zooble said, he doesn't have a mental problem he's just a dick. So maybe Jax really IS an npc hidden in the group that is helping Caine figure out the coding that was forced into him

Also also, people always say that Caine is just an ai so why did he have his problem revealed whenever he vented to Zooble about not being good at the one thing he's made for? Because CAINE ISN'T AN AI!! When you went to the wackywatch.com website we saw a video of the wackywatch being sold to the public with the main character in the advertisement being an unnamed and unfaced character dressed as a ringmaster that the narrator of the ad called hem Caine. Caine is human, Caine is a person who's also trapped. He was just the first to go. His human self worked for the place and when he wanted to be a better "ringmaster" which could be what the C&A company calls the developers of the maps for the game that these people play. So Caine wanted to be a better ringmaster and by doing that he went into the headset to learn better and it worked, causing Caine to not abstract. But since the character Caine didn't abstract and was deep into coding all the time to make maps for his adventures he went semi-mad having horrible memory and thinking hes just another ai which is why he doesn't call himself human because in the game he isn't but we don't know that for sure.

So the only real NPC is JAX. Bubble has not one but three total problems. Trying to fit in, being addicted to drugs (the pipe Caine offered her), and depression (MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE)

Bubble isn't really seen much but we know that they're actively changing their schedule by being a huge help to Caine to try and fit in with him (In the pilot whenever she started to lick up the mess Pomni made she tried to be all wacky by getting bigger and smaller and changing up her appearance like Caine often does before being an assistant again), and trying to quit smoking. Bubble is still using the headset since they haven't officially quit yet and Caine in the pilot said "why are you like this" meaning Bubble isn't done here yet. But can't extract since she's also been there for so long with Caine helping out with the maps she's also got some code developed into her so she can't abstract.

So Jax can be the only NPC out of the group since he and Gummigoo have zero mental problems they have to face or challenges to get over. Jax is just keeping the ball rolling. Keeping Caine from realizing his adventures are terrible, and making everyone elses anger go to Jax so Caine doesn't have to get yelled at for being a bad ringmaster

So all of my theories here are

- Jax is the only real NPC

- Everyone real is overcoming their mental problems, only abstracting when they quit trying. Kinger is the only survivor thats overcome their problem so far in the show

- C&A isn't just a video game company, they make video games to help people overcome their problems. Cause and Affect?

- The way of their bodies are can help us tell what their problem is (Zooble being a mess and hating her body, Gangle being out of control with the masks and cant control their emotions, Pomni being a jester and having to be the center of attention, Kinger being a chess piece meaning hes old and losing memory faster than be can make them (long run body type))

These are all completely what ifs and might not make sense until you start to actually go back and think about these

also @courtjesterrr since you said you like seeing my theories :3333

[still-a-morosexual-help]

TW: abuse, rant, im so sorry just wanted to share

I just wanna like add in for the Michael possibly abusing Mammon thing but from my own experience as someone who experienced both, you can forget the pain of physical punishment. Sure, they hurt and depending on how it was delivered it can be traumatic as hell, but (for me bc ik it can be different for other people) it didn’t stick as much as people thought it did because once the pain fades its easy to forget and go back to whatever you were doing before then. But psychological abuse makes you question yourself and your understanding of reality. Add in that the angels (Michael) are comfortable with sending something as trauma-inducing as the forced-angel-transformation bracelets to the brothers as a “prank” and you can tell they have very different standards for what’s demonic or not. They probably gaslit the shit out of Mammon into thinking Michael’s actions were “totally acceptable” which could also be another part for why the brothers think Mammon exaggerates about Michael but Mammon’s reaction to finding out about Simeon’s issues and immediately linking it to Michael? It doesn’t feel like Mammon’s just doing that to keep up a narrative of Michael being awful. It feels like an abuse victim being terrified and outraged that something they went through is happening to another person whom they care for, by the hand of the same person who hurt them too.

First, I'm really sorry you had to go through that shit. It's absolutely fucked up and I hope you're in a better situation♡

-

I honestly completely agree with everything you said. Like I literally have nothing more to add to it. You basically just said everything I was thinking.

And I really wish they would stick to this narrative of Michael (that they themselves have built up all this time) and if they had to "redeem" him (so that they could achieve peace) it would be done well: where they acknowledge the past, where he understands what he did and feels guilt, there's atonement through actions, there's verbal apologies, there's discomfort, avoidance and rejection on the part of the others and if he gets forgiven it's done by the party he hurt

And it's disappointing and heartbreaking because I know we won't get any of that.

Everything up to this point has built Michael up to be this heavily morally grey figure. He's not evil but he's not the holy person he probably sees himself as.

They could go so far with the groundwork they've laid so far

But they're probably gonna scrap all of that and make all the clues about Michael "not as bad as it seems like/not as bad as you theorised" because after he gets introduced he'll be made into a LI and he'll need to be palatable for that to happen

And I really just want characters who are there to be part of the story and not part of MC's ever growing harem but then I remember this is a dating sim and being part of MC's ever growing harem is literally the point (🥲) and I'm an idiot for expecting something different and I should be grateful for the fact that (in the main storyline) despite being a dating sim the devs have pushed back romantic interactions to focus on platonic bonds to the point that they have

In the story that plays on loop in my brain, only a handful of them have ever had a crush on MC

Post this was referring to:

Michael's Punishments

[shiisiln]

1- huge agree, it's a dick move to force people to watch scary movies, and you should believe someone if they say an experience is going to be bad-scary and not fun-scary for them

(I was a wikipedia plot surfer for a long time, terrified of everything remotely horror themed, and I only got into horror because i wanted to and it was my decision. Every time someone tried to force it on me, it was mildly traumatic and it made it harder for me to actually get into horror on my own terms)

But also B, a lot of hardcore horror fans *do* get in the headspace you describe, where your logic brain forgets you're watching something pretend and you can't stop thinking about what it would feel like if it happened to you.

And I think some horror fans who really pride themselves on being totally jaded, nothing phases them, do a disservice both to other fans and to people who can't handle horror by acting like you should be completely unaffected by it

Like... that's the whole *point* of it as a genre, it's supposed to be uncomfortable, it's supposed to scare you. There are benefits to this that I'm not gonna go into on this post, but i think it's silly to pretend like "real" "tough" horror fans are never actually scared by it.

Anyway, sorry, i got off on my own tangent.

Tl;dr dont be a dick

No I cannot watch that horror movie. I read the Wikipedia “plot” section for it and now I have to sleep with the lights on actually. I’m a wuss.

[izzet-league-mad-scientist]

Alright, so now that it seems I'm actually going to be using my tumblr for the first real time since I created it 3 years ago, I've gotta start with something. And honestly, what better way to inaugurate my introduction to the Homestuck fandom at large and to spur on some interaction than to state my opinions on the infamous spider girl herself, Vriska Serket. I'm sure that this is a flawless idea that will have no consequences whatsoever.

I suppose this train of thought begins with something I realized when desperately pawing through liveblogs for someone whose homestuck experience was similar to my own. Specifically, by figuring out which blogs I liked and which I did not, I narrowed down what my own opinions were by process of elimination. It started with simply those who were unenthusiastic or frustrated at the mysteries of the comic, shortly before I also nixed those who vehemently hated any of the trolls for their intrinsic character traits (If I had a nickel for every blog that posted a huge essay-rant about how Gamzee's willful ignorance is the worst thing to ever exist, an intrinsic moral flaw, and completely opposite to anything civilized, I'd have two nickels). When I got to Vriska's introduction, however, I really figured out what was going on.

As always, reading liveblogs, watching livereads, or really any media form of re-experiencing a favorite through others, is about finding your own emotions mirrored in someone else, vicariously re-experiencing the emotions you felt upon your first experience with the topic. And to that end; I could finally pin down my own opinions on dear Vriska.

Vriska, to me, is a deeply tragic character. She's been traumatized and manipulated and used since her youth, and the scars and coping mechanisms she developed from all of that lead her to only repeat the cycles of violence, running others and herself into the ground. While of course I hated her upon introduction, you'd be pretty heartless not to, it quickly turned to feeling bad for her upon further information. It becomes clear pretty quickly that all of her terrible actions are consequences themselves of what she's been through and the worldviews she's developed to cope with that.

Her complex about being strong vs being weak follows pretty directly from her upbringing; she had to be stronger than other strolls, the strongest, even, to keep spidermom fed, and to avoid injury herself she had to go after the weakest other trolls. And she's doing them a favor, really, 8ecause if she was weak then she'd 8e eaten herself; so really she's just saving them the trou8le of dying in a worse way! She can't bring herself to feel real remorse for her actions, because if she ever does then she'd be crushed under everything she's done. And I mean really, this is a 13 year old who's killed hundreds of other children since she was like 8, that's not something that she can just accept without shattering. And as always, she's just doing what she has to to survive, so in her mind it was always necessary. She falls into the trap that deeply hurt characters often do, in that she only sees one option that isn't weakness or death, and becomes blind to any other way.

I would never say that Vriska has done nothing wrong, because she very obviously has, in so many ways. But a character doesn't need to be free of all wrongdoing to be worth sympathy, even if you don't forgive them. And that's what I was looking for in livebloggers, that peculiar combination of hate and pity (hah) that has always been my experience with her. I just want her to have a happy ending, not to forget what she's done but to atone and feel remorse and finally be able to be at peace with herself. She almost gets that after years in the dream bubbles pre-retcon, after being forced to accept that she doesn't have anything more to do, after finally being free of any plans or webs, of having all of her irons out of the fire and firmly out of reach. But of course, we don't see any more of that after Terezi:Remem8er.

Either way, she's a uniquely compelling character in her own right, one I might even give a similar pedestal to Zuko in How To Write a Sympathetic Bad Guy. Unlike Zuko's archetypal and fantastic redemption, her story and arc is meandering and erratic, her actions grey and her morals suspect, even at the end of the story. But it is truly masterful to have such an organic character, one who flouts conventions and simplicity so regularly, become such a presence in a fandom as to be known even to those who don't know anything else about Homestuck.

[makeste]

some follow-up thoughts on BnHA 306

mostly Deku angst, but also a little Baku angst (and some TodoBaku angst) mixed in for good measure. because there’s plenty of angst to go around.

1. “if I’d only been stronger...”

I’ll talk more about Deku later in this post as well, because there’s definitely plenty to talk about; this is the most character development he’s gotten in almost 200 chapters. but for starters, I want to discuss the possible parallels between Deku’s current character arc, and what is arguably the most iconic moment of angst/character development in the series.

remember how this kid, who up until this point had rarely seemed to give two fucks about the world around him, suddenly revealed that he blamed himself for being the downfall of All Might? remember how it came almost out of nowhere? how he’d been hiding it, and trying to suppress it? “but even if I try to forget... sometimes it all just comes rushing back.”

yeah. so anyway, I got to thinking -- if being the cause of one hero’s downfall could affect someone this badly, what about being responsible for the downfall of all heroes?

what if a boy who wanted nothing more than to keep people safe suddenly found himself at the epicenter of a disaster that killed hundreds, possibly even thousands of people?

now obviously, this is not the sole thing that’s troubling Deku right now; this kid has a whole array of traumas as of the War arc. like, you know it’s bad when Society As We Know It Coming To An End Partially Because Of You is the least of your problems. but still, I think this is worth bringing up, because the hero kids blaming themselves for things that aren’t their fault is hardly anything new. and yet, what with everything else that’s been going on -- all of the Todoroki drama, and Vestige revelations, and hospital antics, and political strife -- I feel like it’s easy to forget or overlook this little detail.

the fact is that AFO put this entire plan into motion solely in the hopes of finally obtaining OFA. every single thing that happened at Jakku -- Tomura powering up; Machia waking up and going on his rampage (after being ordered to do so by Tomura); and even Dabi/Touya choosing this moment to finally strike (because he knew this was when the reveal would do the maximum damage -- when people’s faith in heroes was already wavering) -- every last bit of it can ultimately be traced back to AFO’s desire to steal OFA. which, obviously, makes it AFO’s fault, not Deku’s. but then, Kamino wasn’t actually Katsuki’s fault either. it wasn’t his fault the villains went after him (but he blamed himself anyway), and it wasn’t his fault that people got hurt in the ensuing battle to save him (but he blamed himself anyway).

just. I think we’re underestimating just how strong of an impact all of this likely had on Deku. we haven’t really had the chance to see him process it yet. he’s been too busy, and there have been too many other things going on. but I’m telling you guys, that empty look in his eyes in the final page of the chapter? I can all but guarantee you that at least some of that emotional weight is coming from this.

sure would be nice if he had a friend who knew exactly what that was like, and could help him process the guilt and all of the other associated emotions, just like Deku once helped him. unfortunately I’m not so sure things will be that easy this time around. anyways though let’s move on to a couple of other thoughts and speculations.

2. “...and I bullied him.”

one of my least-favorite BnHA fanfic tropes is the one where the rest of class 1-A somehow finds out about Katsuki and Deku’s history -- i.e. that Katsuki bullied Deku throughout most of their childhood. mind you, it’s not the concept itself that I dislike; it’s mostly how it’s used. a lot of times it’s just an excuse to have all of the other kids turn on Katsuki and ostracize him; either because the author thinks that’s what he deserves, or else so that Deku can eventually come to his rescue and defend him and shame the rest of the class for not seeing how much he’s changed. either way, it’s usually pretty awkward to read, and more often than not the characters are pretty OOC (especially Ochako and Todoroki).

however! there’s a big difference between fanfic and canon, and just because I’m not a fan of this trope in the former doesn’t mean it couldn’t be executed well in the latter. and lately I’ve been thinking about this a lot. mainly for three reasons:

the recent (can we still call it recent?? well whatever) scene where Katsuki confessed to All Might that he used to bully Deku is now one of my favorite scenes in the entire series, and proof that this can be executed well.

both Todoroki and Deku have finally had their respective big secrets revealed to the rest of the class. so like, idk. feels like it just might be secret-revealing season now, you know?

and lastly, as a result of Deku’s secret about OFA finally being revealed, the rest of 1-A now either knows, or can extrapolate, that he used to be quirkless.

and from there, I feel like it’s not all that hard to put two and two together with how terrible Kacchan and Deku’s relationship was when they first started at UA. that’s not a terribly difficult puzzle to solve. so I feel like it might come out anyway, and if so, I’d prefer Bakugou telling them himself, and taking responsibility as part of his atonement process. because we know that he regrets it. we know their relationship has changed. we know that he has changed. and so I think I might like to see this.

alternately, if confessing to the entire class is too much, at the very least I could see him confessing to Shouto, because I’ve always felt like this was one of the big things that made Katsuki so resistant to letting Todoroki call him a friend. because I feel like there’s a part of Katsuki that saw the parallels between Endeavor’s abuse of Shouto and his own bullying of Deku, and thought, he wouldn’t be so quick to call me his friend if he actually knew the truth. and so there’s actually been this roadblock wedged between them this whole time that Shouto doesn’t even know about. because Shouto hates Endeavor. and so it’s not such a leap to assume he’d hate Katsuki too if he knew just how terrible he’d been to Deku when they were younger.

not that I think he actually would! actually I don’t think either of those things is actually true (because Shouto clearly doesn’t hate his father either, in spite of everything that’s happened). but the point isn’t what I think -- the point is what Katsuki thinks. and I really do think there’s a good chance he’s worried about Shouto hating him, and it’s one of the things that’s made him so reluctant to accept his friendship. anyway, so I’m really just rambling now, but you get my point. I don’t know if this is actually going to happen, but it’s a scene I would like to see if Horikoshi decides to indulge me.

3. “...so when you wake up, please give him my best.”

and now, as promised, back to Deku.

ngl guys, when I first saw this image, my immediate thought was that Gran must have died. because I mean, hello, leaving U.A.?? donning himself in his teacher’s old cape?? empty, exhausted look in his eyes?? what else were we supposed to think lol.

but maybe that was an overreaction. because when I think about it more, Gran’s death isn’t strictly necessary in order to push Deku over the edge. first of all, there’s already the whole “hero society is in ruins now because of you” thing I mentioned earlier. but also, there are just so many other things. like, let’s just list them here because omg. what a rough couple of days this kid had.

he was forced to battle TomurAFO and was terribly injured in the process (most of which was his own fault, but he wouldn’t have gone that far with OFA unless he felt like he had no choice)

and it wasn’t just him that was injured, either. in fact, even though he tried to act as bait to keep everyone else safe, he wasn’t able to stop three of the people closest to him from nearly being killed right before his eyes

and of course that last one was especially traumatic, because it was Kacchan, and because he had to watch Kacchan nearly die just to protect him. out of all the things that Deku witnessed in this arc, this might be the one that had the biggest impact on him

he was also basically helpless to do anything to protect Shouto and Endeavor when Dabi showed up. so again, we have this running theme of people he cares about being hurt and him not being able to save them

and he also got sucked into the OFA Interstellar Dream Vortex for a brief spell during the battle, during which he learned that AFO had possessed Tomura. more importantly, he learned that Tomura was Nana’s grandson, a fact which was only briefly touched on during that scene, but which I think wound up being the trigger to the whole avalanche that ended with Deku leaving UA. but more on that in a moment

anyway so just to wrap this all up, the battle eventually ended, Tomura got away despite all of their efforts, and then Deku wound up comatose in the hospital for two days. which brings us to the most recent chapters, during which

Deku learns that he will be the last wielder of OFA, whether he likes or not

Deku learns the identity of the last two mystery OFA users

and then at some point, he wakes up and presumably talks to Gran, and winds up with his cape

something happened during these last two scenes which helped to push Deku over the edge. I won’t delve into the matter of the Second or Third users for now, although most of you already know my suspicions regarding that, and I do think that would fit into the general pattern here (that is, the pattern of Deku feeling more and more strongly that he is putting the people around him in danger, and his fear of losing them becoming so overwhelming that it eventually pushes him to leave).

but that’s not what I want to talk about for now. what I want to talk about is Gran. specifically, what it is that Deku discussed with Gran. and this is where we come back to that reveal I mentioned earlier -- that Tomura is Nana’s grandchild.

basically, what I think happened is that Deku mentioned seeing Nana in the OFA Zany Psychedelic Spirit Void, which led to the topic of Tomura, and the fun fact Deku recently learned about him being related to Nana. this, in turn leads to Gran divulging his various regrets about everything that happened with him and Nana and Kotarou. his intent is to apologize to Deku for placing the burden of their failures on him. unfortunately, the part that Deku actually gets fixated on instead is this:

All for One hunted down and killed Nana’s son (and probably her husband as well), and stole her grandchild and psychologically tortured him into becoming a mass murderer, for no other reason than that Nana had once held OFA

in other words, AFO can and will hurt and kill anyone Deku is close to, anyone who has any kind of connection to him at all, without mercy, and regardless of whether it actually gives him any kind of tactical advantage or not. he’ll do it simply to hurt him. no other reason necessary.

I don’t know about you, but for me that would be a terrifying realization. and for Deku, I think it just might have been the tipping point.

so, let’s recap.

Deku learns that AFO is after him

AFO/Tomura very nearly kills several of Deku’s most important people, including Kacchan

and then he learns that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and realizes that all of their lives are still in danger and will continue to be as long as Deku is AFO’s target

and then add to all of this the misplaced guilt about society already being shambles, and the heroes already having more than enough to worry about. they’re barely holding things together as it is. and we already know how Deku feels about being a burden to them:

and so instead, he leaves. of course he does. in hindsight, I think this was inevitable.

the question is, did anyone else also put the pieces together in time to realize what Deku was planning before he actually left? specifically, did Katsuki, who understands Deku’s self-sacrificial nature better than anyone else, see the signs and put two and two together? like he did back at Jakku?

and if he did, would Deku have been willing to accept his help again?

somehow, I can’t help but think it might not be that easy this time.

anyway, so that was a lot of rambling, lol. sorry about that. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS about all of this angsty shit. tired nomad Deku needs hugs and comfort and someone to reassure him that he doesn’t have to face this alone, and that everything is going to be all right. HE IS JUST A LITTLE BOY. this is too much, and I cannot handle any of these feels, and oh my god, somebody please help him.

[bunnykawa]

i’m better than you! (oikawa x f. reader)

summary: If there was one thing Oikawa hated more than geniuses, it was your boyfriend.

a/n: thought about oikawa with a glock and it had me feeling some type of way. so here’s 6.2k words of what’s been in my head. also if you love iwa-chan, i’m deeply sorry. (btw someone replied to my last fic saying they were gonna move to the states with iwa-chan and...yeah that was funny cs this was sitting my drafts) 

warnings: 18+, yandere themes, implied character death, mentions of blood/gore, GUNPLAY!!, violence, noncon/dubcon/rape, little bit of exhibitionism?, mentions of cheating, brief mentions of stalking, abusive language/cursing

Oikawa didn’t know when it started.

It could’ve been the first time he ever saw you in school, so quiet and shy, with a pink tinge across your face when you glanced in his direction. Or it could’ve been the first time you spoke to him, with a little tremble to your lips as you struggled to form the right words that would leave a lasting impression. Maybe it was when he started noticing you were always attending his volleyball games, cheering on your school with a big stupid grin on your face.

Or maybe it was a mixture of all these little moments that made Oikawa feel what he felt. It didn’t matter what started it. All Oikawa really knew was that he was so in love with you. 

You ended up spending so much time together and blossoming such a beautiful friendship that others didn't expect to happen. It was a dream for him—seeing you smile and laugh, not caring about how you looked. And when you would tease him, it would make him laugh rather than upset him. Yes, he loved you for that. He loves everything about you. From the way you fiddled with your fingers when you had nothing else to do to your weird outbursts when you get excited. You were nothing like the girls who threw themselves at him in hopes of getting his attention. 

Often times, after you would hang out, Oikawa would pull down his pants in the privacy of his bedroom and desperately fist his cock until thick spurts of white would shoot onto anything that he was able to steal from your room from all the times he came over to your house. A picture, a shirt, his favorite pair of panties that smelled so deliciously like you, one of your socks that he wrapped around his length as he fucked his hand—absolutely anything he got his hands on that once belonged to you—was enough to have him dizzy with lust, desire, and love.

You became everything to him. If he was ever able to hold you close with his own fingertips, he would be able to die happily. He would even suffice with just a sniff of your hair while you’re actually awake instead of when you’re dead asleep in the middle of the night and he sneaks into your room through the window you always forget to lock. You couldn’t know that, though. Not like he would have been able to make a move on you so soon to make you completely his anyway.

But he would do anything for you. You were his best friend after all.

So when for the first time ever in your close friendship, you suddenly show up to his house unannounced with tears running down your cheeks and shamelessly throwing yourself into his arms, Oikawa was frozen in place for a second. 

“He cheated on me, Tooru,” you sobbed into his chest. Oh...all he could do was hold you close, bring you inside, and kiss the top of your head lovingly as your shoulders shook.

“It’s okay, Princess. Let it all out. I’m here,” he cooed.

And, wow...you smelled so good when you were awake. So sweet and pure. Absolutely beautiful...

So why the fuck would he cheat on you? 

Oikawa was angry. He was so angry he could laugh at how incredulous the situation was to him. How could he willingly treat you like shit?

After letting him take you away so easily, so Oikawa was forced to resort to pretending that he wasn’t devastatingly in love with you. After being forced to trust him with your heart, convincing himself that he would never hurt you. After having to deal with the fact that every single moment that you shared with Oikawa, that made him fall so deeply for you, was also shared with him. After hearing you scream his name at every single volleyball game you ever attended instead of "Go Tooru!"

It was true—you really were nothing like Oikawa’s fangirls. You didn’t love Oikawa like the fangirls loved him. Never yearned for Oikawa like how his fangirls did. 

You loved Iwaizumi, the former ace of Seijoh and the target of most of Oikawa’s sets. And you broke poor Oikawa’s heart every single time he witnessed a loving moment between you and Iwaizumi. He didn’t understand. He was taller, maybe even more cuter, just so much better than Iwaizumi. So why didn’t you choose him?

That’s how you ended up here; shivering in fear on Iwaizumi’s bed as he sat on the swivel chair he usually kept in his bedroom. Iwaizumi's hands and feet were tied together and the ghost of a blue bruise was forming on his right eye. The rest of his face was slightly swollen and there was a smudge of dried blood under his nose. Whenever you glance up at him, he was staring down at his hands in guilt, shame, and maybe anger and pain. But he made no move to try to get out of his restraints. It was no use.

Can we talk? Come over soon.

You received that text from Iwaizumi's number, assuming it was him. Anxiety-ridden and curious, you came to Iwaizumi's house, wondering what he could possibly say after hurting you so bad. The door was unlocked so you let yourself in, but you didn't expect a shirtless Oikawa—your best friend ever since you met him—to be sitting on the couch looking as relaxed as ever with Iwaizumi's phone in his lap. The little dry splatters of crimson liquid that kissed his skin were easy to notice.

As he led you to Iwaizumi's bedroom, your heart was pounding. And when you saw Iwaizumi in such a disheveled state, you were frozen in fear. Oikawa forced you to sit down on the bed, and you would've started screaming for help—you could've, but a metal handle sticking out of Oikawa's pocket caught your eye.

"God, I fucking hate you. Ever since you got with (Y/N), you’ve made it so hard not to rip your skull apart.”

Oikawa was standing a few feet away from Iwaizumi. A million thoughts ran through your head and every single one of them was wondering how this happened.

When did your best friend become so violent?

And when the fuck did he own a gun?

"I know. I made a goddamn mistake," Iwaizumi grunts in pain, "It's over now. We're not together anymore so-...so you don't need to be doing this dumb shit."

Oikawa laughs loudly, "That's not the point, Iwa-chan! The point is you hurt her." He's clenching and unclenching his fists in anger.

"I said I fucking know!" Iwaizumi barks. He was breathing heavily, his chest was rising and falling deeply.

Oikawa's face forms into a deep scowl. Suddenly, he pulls the black pistol out of his pocket and strikes Iwaizumi's cheek with it, making him jerk his face to the side, before pressing it against his temple. Blood drips from the side of his mouth from the sudden impact.

"Tooru," you whimper. You were shaking so bad, trying hard to stay as calm as possible in case he would try to turn the gun on you. The sight of blood made you feel sick. This whole situation was disgusting.

"You're lucky I haven't blown your brains out for stealing my girl. But hurting her, too? I should fucking shoot you right now." Maybe Iwaizumi was scared, just like you. One pull of the trigger and he would be gone in an instant. But he also looked so furious, with his jaw clenched and his eyes ablaze.

"Then shoot me, Shittykawa. Fucking do it," Iwaizumi taunts him, "Let (Y/N) see how fucked up you are. Traumatize her."

Oikawa pulls away and presses the pistol underneath his own chin in thought, before he carelessly waves it around as if it was just a toy. Every single time he moved, you jumped in your seat and your heart beat eratically. He was unpredictable. "Fuck that, I don't wanna kill you in front of (Y/N) yet. I'd rather blow her back out than blow your brains out first."

His words send a fearful shiver down your spine and makes your skin crawl. You’ve never seen this side of him before—never even expected him to be like this.

Iwaizumi growls, "You're sick."

"I'm not sick, Iwa-chan. I'm doing what's right for my girl," he said firmly. He spun the weapon between his fingers.

"She's not 'your girl.' She was never your girl!" Oikawa and Iwaizumi continued to argue, as if one of them wasn't holding a gun capable of killing everyone in the room instantly. “If this is what you consider right, then you’re just a fucking psycho!”

Why did you have to be here? In between this mess?

You cover your face with the collar of your shirt, crying and trembling with your heart threatening to pound until it jumps out of your chest and leaves you dying. The thought of someone just... getting their life stolen in the hands of someone else right in front of you was destroying your mind. Somehow, even if this was all Oikawa's twisted idea, it felt like it was your fault. 

"Tooru, I don't wanna be h-here. I... I don't want you to kill him..." you hiccup through your tears. Without you noticing, he slowly walks towards you so that he's directly in front of you, watching you break down. “I wan-wanna go h-home.”

"Put the fucking gun down, dumbass," Iwaizumi warns him.

Looking up from your shirt and desperately brushing away the tears as they fell, you're faced with the muzzle of the barrel pointed straight at you, only a mere few inches away from your terrified face. Behind the pistol was, of course, the man you thought would always protect you.

"Oikawa," Iwaizumi snarled, "Don't you dare fucking hurt her. Are you crazy?"

"Shut up, Iwa-chan! Since when did you ever care about her like I do?" Oikawa snaps at him. You stay focused on the shiny barrel of the pistol.

You could die right now. Right in front of your ex boyfriend and your soon-to-be ex best friend. Bleeding with your brains on the mattress you once shared with the man you spent a whole year loving.

All because of Oikawa.

"Why, Tooru?" you ask in a cracked voice, struggling to swallow the lump in your throat.

Oikawa smiled at you, "I'm gonna make this right, okay? I won't hurt you. I just...follow what I say, okay, Princess?"

“I don’t-” you gulp hard, trying to find your voice, “I really don’t understand any of this. I-...I hate this. I don’t wanna die. Tooru, I’m so-...I-...nng?”

The muzzle is delicately pressed between your lips suddenly, nudging your soft lips apart and cutting you off mid-sentence. You inhale sharply as you stare into Oikawa’s brown eyes, surprised and terrified of his sudden action. It throws you off guard, your body going rigid at the thought of dying at this very second.

What would your parents do? Is anyone even gonna find you? Will Iwaizumi survive? Since when did Oikawa hate you so much that he wanted to stick a gun in your mouth?

“Suck.” 

Wait, what? 

The fear on your face is instantly replaced with bewilderment. Suck? What does he mean suck? You stare at each other, the confusion evident on your face, but Oikawa couldn’t stop smiling evilly. 

“Suck on it, Princess,” Oikawa coos. Is he being serious? Even Iwaizumi, ten feet away and tied up, is looking at him as if he was an alien.

“You heard what I said, (Y/N). I won’t hurt you if you listen to me.” When you don't move, he pulls the gun back only to cock it. Your breath hitches in your throat as he places it back on your lips. "Put those sweet lips around my pistol and suck on it. Make it pretty.”

“What the fuck?” breathes Iwaizumi, gawking at Oikawa’s odd demand. 

With the sound of Oikawa cocking the gun fresh in your mind, and fueling your desire to live, you hesitantly wrap your lips around the gun. You start sucking on it, flicking your tongue against the underside of the barrel and slowly bobbing your head around it as you maintain eye contact with Oikawa through your blurry vision. It wasn’t cold, surprisingly, but the feeling of the metal in your mouth made you wince. You’re squeezing your eyes shut, ignoring your tears and trying to think of the weapon as something else.

Oikawa says nothing, his gaze never leaving you while you take his gun as if it was his own cock. The only thing flashing through his mind is that this view is absolutely perfect. Your saliva leaves a thin coating on the barrel every time you pull your head back, just to nibble on the muzzle and swirl your tongue around it, only to let half of the barrel disappear into your mouth again—and it leaves a satisfied feeling in his lower stomach seeing you attempt to submit to him so you could live. 

Slowly, he starts pushing it deeper into your mouth, almost to the back of your throat, and you recoil before he can reach that point, grabbing onto his hand that was holding the gun with both of your weak hands. “Ah, ah, ah,” he tuts in a disappointed tone, “I wanna see you take in more, Princess.” Instantly, you force yourself to relax your throat to let him invade the rest of your mouth. You hold your breath as he hits the back. You’re still trying to bob your head along the weapon, relying on your nose to give you the air that you need.

There was something really fucked up about this whole situation. A red tint is flushed across your face when you glance over at your ex boyfriend, watching you intently. He’s disgusted, that’s for sure—but when you look up to make eye contact with Oikawa, he’s far from disgusted. And it’s easier to tell, because when you trail your gaze to his lower half...

He’s rock hard—bulging from beneath the fabric of his sweats, sweet smile on his perfect face, absolutely no shame in his erection from getting his pistol sucked.

Iwaizumi always knew he was fucking weird.

But there’s an odd, yet familiar sensation, in your lower stomach—a warmth that you know all too well that only happens when Iwaizumi touches you—that makes you clench your thighs and flutter your eyes shut. Looking up at Oikawa, there’s no doubt that he knows what you’re feeling. A small smirk finds its way across his lips. 

Iwaizumi didn't know you were fucking weird, either.

Yeah, that’s what’s fucked up about this situation. Why was this turning you on, too?

Oikawa suddenly pulls the gun away, leaving a thin string of saliva following your lips to the harsh metal for a second until it disconnects. He leans in, making you hold your breath, and his lips find yours.

Soft—that’s the first thing you think about when he connects your lips. “Kiss me back,” he murmurs. 

So, you do. He feels foreign to you, strange even, and you feel quite awkward kissing him when you never even thought about kissing him before. You were beyond flustered. Despite being in such a stressful situation...he’s gentle. The tip of his tongue trails along the opening of your lips. As a habit, you part your lips and allow him to enter your mouth. 

You’re still scared. Your heart is beating so fast. Your breathing is labored from the anxiety sitting heavily on your chest.  But Oikawa is strangely calm. In fact, if he wasn’t moving against your lips right now and lapping at your tongue with his, he’d be smiling and laughing at Iwaizumi’s face. I’m kissing your ex girlfriend!

And Iwaizumi couldn’t do anything except stare. 

You push your hands against his bare shoulders to pull away. “Tooru, stop it,” you gasp out, “Hajim- Iwaizumi is right there.” You didn’t want him to see you like this. You didn’t even wanna see him in the first place after coming home to find him with another girl.

With his face close to you, he harbors a blank expression. “So, would you rather...do something else?” You pause for a second, remembering that he has a gun that’s a few inches away from you, and you reluctantly nod your head. His expression changes—a small smirk and softer, relaxed eyes, an indication that he definitely has something else in mind. Regret starts to fog your mind, but you also can’t help but be curious.

“What are you planning, Shittykawa?” Iwaizumi asks in an irritated, strained tone. He even sounded a bit...jealous? Was he actually jealous? You furrow your eyebrows in confusion.

Oikawa tilts his head to the side to shoot Iwaizumi an evil smirk.

“I’m gonna fuck your ex girlfriend, Iwa-chan. Right in front of you.”

~

You never thought you'd be in this position.

It's hard to fully take in the situation when you literally feel like you're about to pass out from anxiety and all you want is for everything to be calm. At least go back to the way it used to be or how it should be—spending the rest of your time with Oikawa while eating tubs of ice cream and watching movies until you pass out together.

Instead, you're shaking like a leaf while straddling his thighs, fully exposed, soft skin pressing against his. Oikawa is completely bare, too, and while you always admired his athletic ability and perfect body, you didn't wanna see him like this. Not at all. Especially when his finger is still lazily sitting on the trigger of his pistol with it still pointed towards you, challenging you to do something so he can pull it.

It's that mischievous glint in his eyes that make you tense up the most. You want to be angry. You have every right to be, you think, but it's so difficult.

You're trying to cover up your body with your arms, holding onto the small amount of pride you have left, but it's no use when Oikawa is constantly looking you up and down. At the same time, you're trying to avoid looking down—his cock was sitting upright, hard and pulsating and...bigger than you thought he would be.

Way bigger.

"You can give it a little lick, Princess. If it'll make it easy for you."

You bite your trembling lip, shaking your head side to side, "I don't...I don't feel like it, Tooru." Oikawa moves to place his free hand on your waist, trailing his finger tips up and down, goosebumps rising on your skin.

"Just try it, baby. I won't bite," he muses, "Or would you rather I-" He picks his gun up higher. That small, annoying smile seemed to never leave his face because he knew the power he had over you at this moment.

"No," you quickly interrupt him. A chuckle vibrates in his chest at your response.

"I think I need to take care of you first, hm?" Before you can disagree with him again, he's sitting up to grab your hips. He flips you both over so he's above you. He opens your legs and lifts them up so your thighs are pressing against your stomach, exposing everything to him. You’re embarrassed, covering your face with your hands. 

“Let’s see your face, Princess. Don’t hide,” he insists, “You’re so pretty. I wish I could’ve seen you like this sooner.” You have no choice but to let your hands fall from your face. Oikawa looks so happy. In the corner of the room, Iwaizumi is muttering something under his breath with a flushed, bruised, and bleeding face. 

Oikawa runs his fingers along the skin of the underside of your thighs before placing his palms on each. He was still holding onto the weapon. It’s pressing against one of your thighs. Why did everything feel so cold? 

You flinch when he leans down towards your heat to flatten his tongue and lick a stripe up your slit. Oikawa stifles a groan at the taste of you. This was what he wanted since the first time he met you—an opportunity to make you his. He wraps his lips around the little sensitive nub at the top of your cunt and sucks on it. 

“T-Tooru,” you softly whine in uneasiness. You’re not sure if Oikawa can hear the distaste dripping at your mouth, but he keeps sucking and lapping at you as if you were the last thing he would ever eat. “I really don’t like this, Tooru. This is so embarrassing...”

He looks up at you, locking eyes with you as you silently beg him to stop. He removes one of his hands from your thighs to probe at the entrance of your pussy with his thumb. Your heart drops to your stomach when you hear the familiar slick of your wetness and he spreads it around with the pad of his thumb. “You don’t seem to be that against it, (Y/N).” 

Of course you’d be wet—he’s licking and playing with your cunt. When would he understand that?

You gulp nervously, “I don’t want this, Tooru. Please.”

He hums to myself, seeming to be deep in thought as always, before he mutters, “Oh, I know what you want.” You’re confused for a second, but he moves his other hand to hold the pistol at your entrance and...what the fuck?

What the fuck?

“No! Tooru!” you gasp, moving to sit up. Oikawa quickly pushes you back down by your chest. He’s pushing the gun inside you, slowly, but surely—and you feel every single rough patch and texture on the barrel, breaking through the rings of your cunt. “No, no, no!” You’re trying to reach for him, to stop him before he continues, yet he’s able to hold you back with one arm and pushes the pistol inside your pulsing heat, stretching you with the hard metal. It’s an uncomfortable stretch because of how stiff it is. You can already feel the trigger guard pressing at your asshole from how much he filled you up.

You swear Iwaizumi whispers a “holy shit” from his place.

“This is what you wanted, hm? You wanted to get fucked by my pistol?” Oikawa coos in a sickeningly sweet tone. You’re shaking your head, bracing your arms against the bed sheets and chewing on your lip. No. This can’t be happening. “I saw how you reacted when I let you suck on it, Princess. Bet this sweet pussy was already dripping the second I put it in your mouth. I never knew you were so dirty.” He wanted to laugh. The view from between your legs was incredible. He’s glancing at Iwaizumi, who is trying very hard not to look.

“That’s not true!" you gasp. Oikawa continues to pump the gun in and out of you with slow and deliberate strokes. You hate that you feel every single ridge and dent. He leans down to give a few licks at your clit. You’re suppressing a moan in your throat, because this shouldn’t feel good. Every single time he snaps it back into you, you’re gasping for breath. The walls of your cunt are clenching around the thick barrel and it’s hot—you’re heating up from the unfamiliar object forcing its way inside you, forcing you to react. Forcing you to take it in even if your brain is screaming for mercy.

“I know you better than you know yourself,” Oikawa mutters, “You’ve been mine since the beginning. I just let him have you.” This time, you’re biting down on your fist as he continues his assault. This wasn’t the Oikawa you met and became best friends with; this was an absolute monster. Maybe this was who he was the whole entire time—a liar, a master manipulator, a delusional psychopath who couldn’t understand the chemicals behind truly loving someone. 

But that doesn’t matter right now because fuck—the consistent strokes of Oikawa fucking you with his pistol felt good. The tiny moans you’re letting out proves everything, even as you try to hold them back. It’s so hard to stop your hips from bucking against the hard metal, even harder to stop that stupid fire burning in your pelvis. God, you’re about to fucking explode.

It doesn’t feel good, you’re trying to convince yourself. This is assault. This is rape. This doesn’t feel good. You’re not turned on, you’re just terrified if he pulls the trigger—

“Let it out, baby. The gun’s still fully loaded,” he whispers against your lips with a smirk, suddenly lifting himself up to press his forehead against yours. His words were ringing loudly in your ears, reaching every single nerve in your body. You part your lips in shock, your legs are shaking violently against your chest, and your eyes are finally rolling back into your head. A loud moan erupts from your throat, high-pitched like a scream. Quickly, he connects your lips and forces his tongue inside.

Fuck.

Fuck. 

It almost hurts with how tightly you’re clenching onto the gun still inside you. But it’s one of the best feelings that you’ve ever felt because you’re cumming. You’re actually cumming. Your pussy is hot with so much shame, but you’re still gushing juices, soaking Oikawa’s hand.

You’re cumming on a fucking gun.

The room is silent as you’re coming undone. Iwaizumi is dazed, obvious from the look on his face as he’s staring at the place between your legs and the wet spots soaking the sheets. Oikawa stands upright on his knees, and you notice that his pelvis is wet from your juices. How embarrassing. How utterly fucking embarrassing. He’s pulling the gun out of your cunt and raising it up to his face, examining how your cum is running down to the handle. 

Oh, that’s really satisfying. He could take a picture right now, but he didn’t want to waste anymore time. 

"Cumming just from my pistol?" Oikawa chuckled, "So fucking dirty. I love it. I could get you pregnant right now. Pump you up with my kids, would you like that?" 

“Fuck’s sake, Shittykawa. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Iwaizumi speaks up all of a sudden. Oikawa simply scoffs at the other man before pulling you closer to rest your thighs against his hips. 

You wheeze, completely out of breath, “No, Tooru. I’m done. I need to leave.” With the palms of your hands against the mattress, you weakly try to pull yourself up and away from Oikawa’s grasp. 

“I said I was gonna fuck you, didn’t I?” Oikawa hums, pulling you back against his hips and placing his tip at your entrance. You wanna move away, and you really try to by moving to scoot away from him, but you feel so weak. He’s still holding onto his disgustingly wet gun—wet from you. Has he even put it down at all? 

"I never break promises," Oikawa sighs, with a big smile on his face, "And you’re so beautiful, (Y/N). How did I ever stop myself before? I should've taken you even if that fucker was still with you."

You’re trying to protest. You’ve been trying all night, but Oikawa is so persistent with wanting his revenge—revenge that you never even wanted. But he’s also thinking that this is it—this is the stepping stone of becoming the object of your affection. Not Iwaizumi, the man you loved and who cheated on you. Not anyone else. Just your best friend.

His hands are gripping onto your hips as he arches your back for his hips to meet yours. It’s another uncomfortable stretch as he pushes passed the fleshy walls of your pussy with his throbbing cock. You’re already wet—he has no struggle sinking into your pussy—and the squelching sound your wetness makes and the sharp whine that you let out in response to his movements are music to his ears. 

“Fuck,” he moans, “You’re tight, Princess. I thought Iwa-chan was fucking this pussy every night before.” 

It seemed like Iwaizumi wasn’t in the room at first, even if you were hyper-aware of that fact and it made your whole body become flushed. If you could hear his thoughts right now, he would most definitely be thinking that this fucking sucks. There’s a crack in your voice when you let out a low moan at Oikawa finally sheathing you on his cock. 

“How is it? Bigger than Iwa-chan?” he teases you. He pulls back only to dive deeper into your wetness. The feeling of his cock sliding against your walls makes you tremble. You’re so sensitive from how he fucked you with his gun less than five minutes ago, it’s a surprise that you haven’t passed out from the extra simulation he’s giving you. 

“Shut up,” you groan, looking off to the side. When Oikawa is comfortably settled between your folds, he leans over you to brace his hands on either side of your head. Instinctively, you wrap your small hands around his biceps as he slides in and out of you, squeezing desperately. 

Oikawa cocks his head to the side. “You don’t want to admit it, huh?” He suddenly snaps his hips sharply against yours, jerking your whole body upwards. “You don’t need to say it. I know how you feel, anyway.” It fucking hurts. His cock is longer, thicker, and going deeper than his gun was.

“How would you even know how I feel, Tooru?” you ask in a shaky tone. The anxiety never seemed to go away. Maybe you kept quivering because of your new-found fear of the brown-haired man above you, or maybe it was because you can still feel Iwaizumi burning a hole through you—he probably realized how much he hated you because if it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t be sitting tied up in his own home witnessing his friend rail his ex girlfriend.

Oikawa knew, though, that it was because you couldn’t fight the way your nerves were responding to how he touched you.

“Because if you didn’t like this, you wouldn't be under me right now,” he says lowly. With his hands gripping the sheets next to your head, he forces you deeper into the mattress with his body weight. The gun next to your head would’ve made you nervous, but you were too focused on the way Oikawa’s cock was drilling into your pussy like he was trying to leave an imprint of himself there for you to remember forever.

Every time he thrusts into you with all his strength, you’re gasping and moaning, gripping onto his biceps that flexed so deliciously as he filled you up completely. Your body was betraying you, writhing beneath him, basically begging for him to give you more. To make you cum one more time from just his cock.

“You really think this is funny, Oikawa?” Iwaizumi growls. You tense up at the sound of his voice—the anger dripping in his tone. “Basically raping my ex girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” Oikawa purrs, “It’s so...satisfying.” He’s building up his pace, and pretty soon he’s pounding into you with such a force that you’re struggling to let out moans and end up up letting out breaths of air and whiny squeaks. “Especially since she likes it so much. Right, (Y/N)?” Your eyes are rolling back at the sensation—you’re not even trying to deny it at this point. No matter how fucked up or disgusting you look right now, you couldn’t escape Oikawa and you couldn’t stop your pussy from sucking in his cock hopelessly like he belonged inside you.

“I fucking hate you.”

The area on your pelvis is undeniably hot now. Sweat was appearing on your skin despite being fully naked and exposed to the cold air in Iwaizumi’s bedroom. Oikawa is consistently snapping his hips into yours while you’re trying to control your own hips from trying to buck into his. Trying to hold onto what little sanity you have left before you’re ultimately forced to let go on his veiny cock.

Oikawa is your best friend—was your best friend, you don’t even know anymore. Fuck, he’s evil, giving you a warm, welcoming smile with a gun laying next to your head and ravaging your insides at the same time. This isn’t normal. But damn did this feel so fucking good.

You’re crying now, the tears running down your cheeks in a steady stream. Fuck Iwaizumi. Fuck Oikawa’s gun. Fuck the insecurity, feelings of worthlessness, and guilt that you’ve had inside you for the past few weeks after your failed relationship, crying into Oikawa’s lap every single time. Fuck everything. 

Only his name is forming at your lips, accompanied by wails of pleasure. You’ve never felt like this before, not even with Iwaizumi, who you thought would be the only person making you cum until you’re stupid. 

“F-fuck, Tooru,” you manage to gasp out. All your muscles are clenching involuntarily. It only makes Oikawa groan, your pussy unbelievably squeezing even tighter around him, pulling him inside you.

“Are you okay, my baby? You gonna cum all over my cock?” 

Your head is spinning and you just want it to stop. All you’re thinking about is how roughly Oikawa is fucking into you and the pleasure he’s bringing in waves washing over you. He’s not even touching your clit—the base of his cock is just hitting your swollen nub every time he thrusts inside of you, letting tiny shocks run through you.

“This is my pussy now,” he growls, “I’m gonna fuck this. I’m gonna stretch out this little cunt every day and you’re gonna let me, right? You’re gonna let me fill you up with my cum, too?” 

Let go, every sensor in your body is screaming.

"C'mon, Princess. Tell me. Tell Iwa-chan how much you love my cock inside you. Tell us how much you wanna be filled with my cum," he grins as he shoves his length into you roughly. He nudges your head to the side and attaches his lips to the soft skin on your neck, sucking and biting at the area. You arch your back off the bed and you don't hold back anymore—you're chanting his name, finally, begging for him.

"Tooru-mmm, please," you plead, "Fuck me, please! I'm...I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum, Tooru!"

Then Oikawa lifts himself up, bracing himself on one of his arms before bringing his gun against your lips again. You don't hesitate to stick your tongue out, letting it in your mouth this time. God, he could fucking cum at the sight of you willingly sucking on his pistol, swirling your tongue over the metal surface. He won't shoot, he just wants to see you submitting to his gun and his cock like he's a king.

It's taking everything within you to not pass out from violently twitching and spasming on his cock, letting your juices squirt all over him once you open your mouth to cry loudly. His gun is still pressing into the base of your throat, so your scream drawls out into a choking noise. Oikawa is letting out a string of curse words—your juices are coating his skin and spraying all over his cock.

Your thighs feel so sore, and you're a sputtering mess as he pulls his gun away from you. It's covered in your saliva. Oikawa is lifting himself up, panting heavily, observing the erratic movement of your chest and the red flush of your body. He doesn't bother to pull out of your convulsing cunt. Why are you still trembling like that?

But it's okay. Oikawa is so happy, so pleased. You were such a good girl—he knows for sure that you finally accept him and want him.

“Hey, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa sang with delight in his tone to catch Iwaizumi's attention. Damn, you completely forgot he was still there.

Oikawa is finally upright on his knees, leaving you sweating on the bedsheets. Iwaizumi looked up, cringing in disgust and fueled with anger and envy from watching Shittykawa himself take your body so relentlessly as you were cumming beneath him. Oikawa lifts his arm, pointing the shiny metal weapon towards the other man in the room. He was still throbbing inside you, enjoying the feeling of you still twitching gently around his cock from your orgasm. With half-lidded eyes, you look up at him weakly, suddenly admiring his toned, muscular body and the sweat glistening on his abs. You're not sure if he came inside you, but the wetness escaping your hole and the feeling of his length twitching, too, is more than enough proof that he probably did.

"What do you want now, you fucking asshole?" Iwaizumi snarls.

The words that come out next are so snarky, filled with hate and arrogance. "Just wanted to let you know that I’m better than you," Oikawa sneers, "And I don't shoot blanks."

He finally pulls the trigger. The sound of a gunshot is piercing the air and Oikawa jerks slightly from the recoil. Then it's completely silent. Your thighs are still shaking, you’re still struggling to find your voice, and your brain seems to be focusing through the haziness. He leans down to give you the sweetest kiss, as if to say that everything will be okay now. The smell in the air was suddenly pungent—a mixture of sweat, sex, gun powder and...blood? Holy shit.  You're screaming now.

Holy shit, Oikawa.