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sangreprince · 3 hours ago

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Em's Big Long Sappy New Year's Post Under The Silly Cut©

Hey y'all, I wanna say thank you so much for sticking around this year. It's been a wild ride, and this blog has gotten WAY more love than I ever thought possible. I still have yet to start working on the big post I wanna do that shouts out all of my moots, but still I'm so incredibly thankful to all of you who have been here this whole time.

And I know this is supposed to be a positive thing, but I also want to be real for a second here. This year's been tough.

I don't talk about it a lot but I've been really struggling with stuff, and it's things I don't hear talked about a lot. So here goes. I wanna talk about some mental health stuff I've gone through and where I'm at now. Maybe it'll make somebody's 2025 easier than my 2024. It'll end when the orange lines do.

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I'm not a terribly social person, I prefer one on one interactions much more because it gives me a lot more energy to give people and makes me a lot less anxious than group stuff. I have to be pretty exceptionally comfortable to reach the same level of comfort with a group that I can easily find with individuals. And this year what I've really come to understand is how that happens.

I find that when I introduce myself into a group setting, I compare myself to others a lot. And that really sucks. It's not fair to me, or the people around me. I think a lot of it comes from coming from a 'pull yourself up by the boostraps' type household where failure just isn't an option, and I still think I struggle with the idea that I'm 'failing' if I'm not the best at a certain thing. And if I compare myself with other people, I'm never ever gonna be the best at everything because naturally somebody else is gonna be better at some things than you.

For me this habit has been a really big issue in my relationships in 2024 because I've gotten more involved in friend groups. I don't think I'm over this bad habit, but here's what I've learned: You can't compare yourself to others, because you're not them.

You can't be everybody's best friend because people don't need that. I don't think I could even handle more than a few very close friends ( But I don't think I'm necessarily super 'close' with anyone as I think most people only see what I want them to see, and I have immense trouble with actually showing people every side of who I am just because I'm still struggling with feeling comfortable with being truly vulnerable around people and not comfortably vulnerable )

This is hard to admit even as I'm writing it, but I think deep down I learned this year that I have an intense need to prove myself to somebody that doesn't exist. An idea of this 'perfect' version of myself I've conjured up in my head. And to those close friends who've seen me lose it damn near self-flagellating myself because I wasn't the best friend somebody has or best player on the team: Thank you. For being honest with me. For grounding me and splashing the proverbial water on my face and taking me out of my own headspace. This kinda growth is hard, and overnight change is... Unrealistic at best but I try and take your grace and trust that you place in me every day and overcome one step at a time.

And I hope that one day, I can repay the kindness and patience you've shown me. I'm not used to having friends, frankly. I didn't have any, not really, until about 2019/2020. I've always been a recluse, somebody who shied from getting close to anyone as a consequence of abuse. This ( I theorize ) has affected me down to my sexuality, identity, and habits I've taken into other relationships. I've only had true, close friends for about four or five years of my life total.

I am not used to it. And I fear, at times, this is painfully obvious. So to those who I call close : Thank you. You are what keeps me going. You are what I work towards and what I carry with me. I hope that one day I can get out of my own head about this stuff, about this notion I feel to constantly prove myself in some way or another. And I want you all to know that you're the reason I'm determined to make this change, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes.

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Anyway... Now for the shoutouts. This is less heavy than all of the above and in no particular order of significance as I'm just going off the top of my head: I would include everybody I love talking to but oh my god I would be here all day and besides y'all are getting that in the future anyways so. This is just the short list of personal thank you's!!!

@espelharr You, much like the radiant Viktor you write, have been a catalyst of change for me in a lot of ways. You've helped keep me honest, and been honest with me. We're pretty close and I'll admit, it makes me a little quiet and a little nervous because I'm really not used to having somebody I would consider a friend like that. You are among a very small group of people that I can confidently say I dearly trust. I admit it's kind of alien to me. I honestly don't know what to say with regards to it because I'm not entirely sure I've developed the social skills to develop a relationship beyond what we have.

In other words, you've maxed out my friendship meter and exhausted my dialog. Well, not actually. I never shut the fuck up and you know that perfectly well. I know we're both goin through out shit but if I could give you one gift as a token of my appreciation, it would be to let you see yourself for one minute how I see you every second of every day of every year that's to come.

And that's coming from somebody who has no idea of what's to come. But if you'll have me, I'd like to be a part of it. Through thick and thin, wind rain and snow.

Thank you, friend. I am proud to call you this. You get the long post because it's the last bit of Em "I wanna step out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable" before I retreat into my ball again.

@lronwilled Shep I'm still so confused how you infected my friend groups and became so close to me LMAO LIKE IT JUST KINDA HAPPENED AND I can maybe pinpoint like. One or two instances of maybe where it began but I still honestly have an immense amount of appreciation for all the patience and kindness you've shown me. I'm incredibly glad to have met you and started to actually talk more and I hope in 2025 I can maybe finally give you more than one reply a year and oh my god I haven't replie-

@untoldwithin / @avatarwithin YETI... I adore having got to know you and plot stuff like we have. Your portrayals conjure the voices of those you portray to my mind, and talking with you about ideas is always such a blast?? I love seeing you on the dash and love doing things just as much. Here's to a 2025 filled with a LOT MORE of all of the above, I'm so ready for it!!

@plasticsouled / @fearedelight Sal I hope you know how much I love seeing your silly little self on the dash. Even your main blog with muses I know nothing about are stuffed full of life and so much passion that it makes me so glad to be here and be a part of it. You're a fantastic writing partner and I'm so thankful to have met you in the last quarter of this year, and I really hope we can expand on everything we have and more in what's to come!! I love our silly lil shippy stuff and being able to talk is always such a joy and I go pspspsppsp for you to give me any and all thoughts whenever you have them because I can't get enough.

@primegrim / @mirkc / any of your other blogs PICHU I'm so glad to have met you this year and had somebody to ramble with. You write like a thousand blorbos but I'm grabbing each and every one of them with both my hands. Being able to talk and plot and do whatever else is such a blessing and I'm so glad you're here with us. if possible I'd take all your characters and raise them up like Simba, I'm such a fan 24/7 no questions asked.

@jinxe RAY MY BELOVED you have been here with me since the Volibear days and I'm so thankful for it. I've made this known several times but your lil meow meow will always be at my heart and you alone have made me appreciate her as a character so much more than I ever thought possible. I wish you were here more because I would be GRABBING YOU at all possible times.

Honorable Mentions:

You guys already know I love and appreciate you so much, and this is by no means all inclusive. If you're not on here I probably just forgor because this post is already long and emotional for me so skdjhfsdkj here goes!

@rotdame / bloom @soulcluster / NERD (I had to) @luxcruor / sailor @curscdtm / nathy @decaeys / my favorite stinky goth irl toreador @venstm / Ray :3 @hexsreality / Itzel @edgymuses / Jolyne @nameaprice / Xena @pompedia / POM @erobret / FERGIE :D @blueheals & @heirashari / Evie @avernusfuries HANNNN- gets slammed through a wall @spiderwarden & @coldjustness Melody @lunaetis / Hina @blackrosesmatron / lucy

Thank you.

All of you.

Here's to a good 2025.

#| mun. |

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daftpatience · 11 months ago

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one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it

#theres no peace #every little thing reminds me we are poor #seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time #im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly #the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job #and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support #and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money #because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live #its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin #time #cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for #sorry for the ranting i cant sleep #truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin #more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful #i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it #i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things #spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income #not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months ago

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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"

I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming

#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with #elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the #grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything #but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd #nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable #are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that #is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant #amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear #masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations #arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will #go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring #annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then #YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated #while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol #I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are #saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to #get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined #with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with #others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then #when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O #also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming #looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj #I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a #person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some #more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all #of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol #I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to #contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***

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gideonisms · 2 years ago

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See I think if I'd been born a guy I wouldn't be this pathologically avoidant trying to plan my career because there are plenty of situations you can find as a cis man where you just Do Tasks in awkward silence and you can get to those as a woman but you have to go through the rings of hell socializing first and then besides, a lot of those jobs already have so many men that you stand out when the whole point was you Don't want to do that

#you gotta be god's strongest soldier to survive this shit and i am not! i am god's weakest most pathetic soldier!#i survived five years of customer service crying weekly and getting harassed and being a baby about it #when i got promoted no one would listen to me and it made me constantly anxious and then so tired it took me a year to be able to #think about having a job as something remotely positive and stop crying about it #idk how other women are doing this shit a guy treats me like his sexy servant and i feel BAD and upset for years #and think of what he said 7 years later and they only touched me on the shoulder and made comments other people go through worse!#but i am not strong or determined i just want to go through my life in peace and stop talking to people altogether #it wasn't just guys who treated me badly older women made fun of me and called me lazy and stupid #tutoring was fine but i felt like i was putting on that same performance and at that point it all felt so awful i just. didn't want to #i can see no way out of talking to people for the rest of my life and it gets me down sometimes #i know i get to come home but even then i will probably need people to live with #i basically only like my family and close friends talking to me sometimes even that is hard #sometimes it's way easier to type and feels less awful #i think i have to just keep on keeping on until i can finally get good enough to freelance edit and code that's the only thing i can think #of doing that doesn't make me cry #emails are fine they suck but i don't have to control my face and tone so.

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seventh-district · 8 months ago

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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill #well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst #like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made #bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you #but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings #and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste #there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc #so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything #if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is #which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose #anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages #or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing #i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know #it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess #as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence #the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education #i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype #sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen #there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions #like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity #like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem #but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.

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oh-cramity-its-amity · 6 months ago

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i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!

#thank u blake. u really helped #also nessa!! thank u for that reblog about your perspective on my one post about feeling lost career wise #it helps me to know im not the only one living this life because holy fuck i can feel confused sometimes because.. am i doing this right?#and you know what? theres no correct path that i think there is but im just not good without a direct direction. it makes me a little #anxious about things #i dont know if its because i have some form of a disorder but i function better when i plan stuff out and give myself something to #decompress the problems and thoughts because in my brain theyre just all stuck and clumped together #and that can get a bit scary and overwhelming!!!#im just glad i have people that care about me. it means literally everything to me #so even if i dont 100% reply dont think i dont care because literally any ANY advice or kindness you show to me means the world #we're all just living this little life and we might as well make the best of it #people care..... thats just.... its good... it makes me feel less alone that people do #i love my friends so much #evennnn if we dont talk every day or are only mutuals in passing!!! it literally means a lot if people show me kindness #like holy shit!!! your older than me? and your dealing with a similar experience??? and your telling me that its okay??? and that itll be #okay?????#like #just the reassurance that things will be okay and work out and that im not the only one dealing with a feeling like mine #idk sometimes i just feel like im crazy and like my thoughts make no sense?? you know?? but yall get it #im glad that i have people who are older than me in my life cause yall have experienced stuff that i can use to be better #like your life experiences can help me in a way that can make a difference on my perspective on things #its why i like talking to my coworkers. because theyve seen things and done things i havent and their perspective can teach me potentially #i just dont feel so overwhelmed with life when i talk to people who understand #i feel so young and yet old enough to know but even the people who are older dont know so im sort of on the right track i suppose depending #on how you look at it #so- im just gonna live my life and smile because!!! you gotta.#you gotta surround yourself with people who can enrich you and teach you things for the better and make you want to grow #some of you are like that #you may not know that #but that kindness means so much

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florida3exclamationpoints · 2 months ago

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#also my therapist said its a good idea #1 bc it makes me happy #2 bc in her words: i am willing to push myself more for a taylor swift concert which gives me more practice and experience and exposure #for things that make me anxious that i have to do or i am less willing to push myself for

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vraska-theunseen · 3 months ago

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aughhhh. aughhhhhjhhhh

#everhoneignore this post classic rant post i don't have real problems everyone can move along #truly have had such a bad couple of days here and i am not even close to finishing the assignments i need to finish in welding being in #clsss makes me want to quit and die i don't know why i'm so slow i don't know why everyone else can intuit this stuff and improve and #understand how to do it and im always always falling behind if i could try harder wouldn't i be able to do that ive got no drive to push #myself at all i guess i like the english and i can do the physics i thought i at least liked drafting and metals fabrication but i feel so #stupid everything i do makes me feel so stupid and my teacher talks to me like i'm always doing everything wrong when i do some classroom #ettiquette breaches that everyone else does too and i can't get myself to go to sleep on time can't get myself to go in early i have hours #and hours and hours and i blink and it's gone and i've done nothing i should've welded today and gone in early to draft but i didn't because #im stupid and im slow and i can't do anything right i have always been able to square away a little bit of pride on being precise on doing #things well because people are always telling me that i am but i am below average here i just can't do things right and i feel like everyone #hates me and thinks i'm obnoxious and i don't know how to interface with my class or my teacher or how to improve or how to be less anxious #and i feel even stupider for that because i am so stuck up not being able to deal with even a little bit of failure or issue or hardship #and everyone around me is sick all my classmates and people in my dorm are sick im sure it's covid they haven't said it's covid but none of #them would test and i've been wearing a mask again but im certainly been exposed to it already and no one else is wearing a mask anyway so #what difference does it even make and i can hear them coughing in my dorm and in the classroom and when i go to get food and i miss seeing #my friends from philly and everuthing will be terrible forever and ever #alex talks

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago

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...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

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pepprs · 1 year ago

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ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

#purrs #conference tag #chicago #im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o #if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been #other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel #less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt #like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself #if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely #anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell #myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen #to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie #i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have #been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha #i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before #like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i #genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still

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vacalimpia · 6 months ago

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learning a new skill is so funny sometimes because of how it unexplicably haunts me in my sleep. i would practice driving one day and then my sleep that same day becomes disturbed because my leg is telling me I'm still driving that car and i get dizzy because im sideways (i sleep on my side😭)

just last night i was studying japanese and spent all night tossing and turning in my sleep because my brain was still reviewing the kana i was practicin and everytime a mosquito bit me a vivid image of か came into my head and it made me sleep even worse ITS SO FUNNY

when i mean haunt i mean haunt i wake up in a cold sweat over kana

#i talk!!!#i dont know why it happens it makes me seem like these activities make me really anxious WHEN THEY DONT AT ALL #like... driving perhaps. i get really anxious when doing so since im not used to it and im barely starting ww BUT JAPANESE?????#there could not be a less anxiety inducing activity to me it makes me feel like a little kid to learn a language from scratch #and thats miles more relaxing than being hit by the fact im growing up and have to get a driving license #SO IT MAKES IT EVEN FUNNIER THAT IT COMES TO HAUNT MY SLEEP FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON #i suppose its a thing of my brain not realizing im done and still being in the mindset of learning regardless of how sleepy i am ww

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the-voice-of-night-vale · 7 months ago

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social anxiety can be really funny in retrospect bc it will have you saying shit like 'is it weird to call a doctor's office and schedule an appointment?"with 100% sincerity and panicking about it as if that's not the silliest thing in the world