#for the record I am NOT gender-fluid

[hollyhomburg]

My mom casually talking about soulmate: “wait does he know that you’re genderfluid?”

Me, who has never told my mom that I am even questioning my gender, who I thought had no idea I was even still thinking about trans stuff:

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Beth Bourne

Published: Feb 27, 2024

Kaiser gender specialists were eager to approve hormones and surgeries, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.”

On September 6, 2022, I received mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminding me of a routine cervical screening. The language of the reminder stood out to me: “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” When I asked my Ob-Gyn about this strange wording, she told me the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of their “transgender” and “gender fluid” patients.

Based on this response, several thoughts occurred to me. Could I expose the medical scandal of “gender-affirming care” by saying and doing everything my daughter and other trans-identifying kids are taught to do? Would there be the type of medical safeguarding and differential diagnosis we would expect in other fields of medicine, or would I simply be allowed to self-diagnose and be offered the tools (i.e. hormones and surgeries) to choose my own gender adventure and become my true authentic self?

If I could demonstrate that anyone suffering from delusions of their sex, self-hatred, or identity issues could qualify for and easily obtain body-altering hormones and surgeries, all covered by insurance as “medically necessary” and potentially “life-saving” care, then maybe people would finally wake up. I certainly had.

I was prepared for failure. I wasn’t prepared for how easy success would be.

* * *

I am a 53-year-old mom from Davis, CA. My daughter began identifying as a transgender boy (social transition) and using he/him pronouns at school during 8th grade. Like several of her peers who also identified as trans at her school, my daughter was a gifted student and intellectually mature but socially immature. This shift coincided with her school’s sudden commitment to, and celebration of, a now widespread set of radical beliefs about the biology of sex and gender identity.

She “came out” as trans to her father (my ex-husband) and me through a standard coming-out letter, expressing her wish to start puberty blockers. She said she knew they were safe, citing information she had read from Planned Parenthood and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH). To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was also confused because this announcement was sudden and unexpected. While others quickly accepted and affirmed my daughter’s new identity, I was apprehensive and felt the need to learn more about what was going on.

Events began escalating quickly.

During a routine doctor’s visit scheduled for dizziness my daughter said that she was experiencing, the Kaiser pediatrician overheard her father using “he/him” pronouns for our daughter. The pediatrician seemed thrilled, quickly asking my daughter about her “preferred pronouns” and updating her medical records to denote that my daughter was now, in fact, my son. The pediatrician then recommended we consult the Kaiser Permanente Oakland Proud pediatric gender clinic, where she could get further information and (gender affirming) “treatment.” Now I was the one feeling dizzy.

As I began educating myself on this issue, I discovered that this phenomenon—minors, most often teen girls, suddenly adopting trans identities—was becoming increasingly widespread. It even had a name: rapid onset gender dysphoria, or ROGD. Thankfully, after learning about the potential side-effects of blockers and hormones, my ex-husband and I managed to agree not to consent to any medical interventions for our daughter until she turned 18 and would then be able to make such decisions as an adult.

Over the past five years, my daughter’s identity has slowly evolved in ways that I see as positive. Our bond, however, has become strained, particularly since I began publicly voicing my concerns about what many term as “gender ideology.” Following my daughter’s 17th birthday family celebration, she sent me an email that evening stating she would be cutting off contact with me.

While this estrangement brought me sorrow, with my daughter living full-time with her father, it also gave me the space to be an advocate/activist in pushing back on gender identity ideology in the schools and the medical industry.

I decided to go undercover as a nonbinary patient to show my daughter what danger she might be putting herself in—by people who purport to have her health as their interest, but whose main interest is in medically “affirming” (i.e., transitioning) whoever walks through their door. I am at heart a mother protecting her child.

* * *

My daughter’s sudden decision to become a boy was heavily on my mind in early September of 2022, when mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminded me of a routine cervical screening with “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” I was told that the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of transgender and “gender fluid” patients.

Throughout the whole 231-day process of my feigned gender transition, the Kaiser gender specialists were eager to serve me and give me what I wanted, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.” My emails were returned quickly, my appointments scheduled efficiently, and I never fell through the cracks. I was helped along every step of the way.

Despite gender activists and clinicians constantly claiming that obtaining hormones and surgeries is a long and complex process with plenty of safety checks in place, I was in full control at every checkpoint. I was able to self-diagnose, determine how strong a dose of testosterone I received and which surgeries I wanted to pursue, no matter how extreme and no matter how many glaring red flags I purposefully dropped. The medical workers I met repeatedly reminded me that they were not there to act as “gatekeepers.”

I was able to instantly change my medical records to reflect my new gender identity and pronouns. Despite never being diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I was able to obtain a prescription for testosterone and approval for a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy from my doctor. It took only three more months (90 days) to be approved for surgery to remove my uterus and have a fake penis constructed from the skin of my thigh or forearm. Therapy was never recommended.

Critics might dismiss my story as insignificant on the grounds that I am a 53-year-old woman with ample life experience who should be free to alter her body. However, this argument for adult bodily autonomy is a standard we apply to purely cosmetic procedures like breast implants, liposuction, and facelifts, not “medically necessary” and “lifesaving” treatments covered by health insurance. Or interventions that compromise health and introduce illness into an otherwise healthy body. And especially not for children.

My story, which I outline in much more detail below, should convince any half-rational person that gender medicine is not operating like any other field of medicine. Based on a radical concept of “gender identity,” this medical anomaly preys upon the body-image insecurities common among pubescent minors to bill health insurance companies for permanent cosmetic procedures that often leave their patients with permanently altered bodies, damaged endocrine systems, sexual dysfunction, and infertility.

* * *

Detailed Timeline of Events

On October 6, 2022, I responded to my Ob-Gyn’s email to tell her that, after some thought, I’d decided that maybe the label “cis woman” didn’t truly reflect who I was. After all, I did have some tomboyish tendencies. I told her I would like my records to be changed to reflect my newly realized “nonbinary” identity, and that my new pronouns were they/them. I also voiced my desire to be put in touch with an endocrinologist to discuss starting testosterone treatment.

Fifteen minutes later I received an email from another Kaiser doctor informing me that my medical records had been changed, and that once my primary doctor returned to the office, I’d be able to speak with her about hormone therapy.

I responded the following day (October 7, 2022), thanking her for changing my records, and asking if she could connect me with someone who could help me make an appointment for “top surgery” (i.e., a cosmetic double mastectomy) because my chest binder was rather “uncomfortable after long days and playing tennis.”

She told me to contact my primary care MD to “get things rolling,” and that there were likely to be “preliminary evaluations.”

Six days after contacting my primary care MD for a referral, I received an email from one of Kaiser’s gender specialists asking me to schedule a phone appointment so she could better understand my goals for surgery, so that I could get “connected to care.” This call to review my “gender affirming treatment options and services” would take 15-20 minutes, after which I would be “booked for intake,” allowing me to proceed with medical transition.

This wasn’t an evaluation of whether surgical transition was appropriate, it was simply a meeting for me to tell them what I wanted so that they could provide it.

On October 18, I had my one and only in-person appointment in preparation for top surgery. I met in Davis with my primary care physician, Dr. Hong-wen Xue. The assessment was a 10-minute routine physical exam that included blood tests. Everything came back normal. Notably, there was not a single question about why I wanted top surgery or cross-sex hormones. Nor was there any discussion of the risks involved with these medical treatments.

The following week, on October 24, I had a phone appointment with Rachaell Wood, MFT, a gender specialist with Kaiser Sacramento. The call lasted 15 minutes and consisted of standard questions about potential drug use, domestic violence, guns in the house, and whether I experienced any suicidal thoughts. There were no questions from the gender specialist about my reasons for requesting a mastectomy or cross-sex hormones, or why I suddenly, at 52, decided I was “nonbinary.”

After the call, Kaiser emailed me instructions about how to prepare for my pre-surgery intake video appointment to evaluate my mental health, scheduled to take place on November 15. The email stated that prior to my appointment, I should research hormone risks on the WPATH website, and to “research bilateral mastectomy and chest reconstruction surgery risks and recovery” on Kaiser’s website.

I decided to request a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy and phalloplasty. Kaiser sent me a sample timeline for gender transition surgery preparation (see below) that you can use as a reference for the process. I also asked for a prescription for cross-sex hormones (testosterone) as needed and recommended by Kaiser.

[ Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part I

This “Mental Health Visit” assessment was conducted over Zoom. The Kaiser gender specialist started with questions addressing my marital status, race, gender identity, and other demographics. She asked whether I was “thinking of any other surgeries, treatments in the future.” The list she read included “gender-affirming” hysterectomies, bottom surgeries such as metoidioplasty and phalloplasty, vocal coaching, support groups, and body contouring. “Anything else you might be interested in doing?” she asked. I said that I’d perhaps be interested in body contouring. I was also assured that all the procedures would be covered by insurance because they were considered “medically necessary.”

I dropped in several red flags regarding my mental health to see the reaction, but all were ignored. For instance, I revealed that I had PTSD. When the therapist asked me about whether I had experienced any “childhood trauma,” I explained that I grew up in Mexico City and had been groped several times and had also witnessed men masturbating in public and had been grabbed by men in subways and buses. “I was a young girl, so [I had] lots of experiences of sexual harassments, sexual assault, just the kind of stuff that happens when you are a girl growing up in a big city.” “So, you know,” I finished, “just the general feeling that you are unsafe, you know, in a female body.”

The therapist did not respond to my disclosure that trauma could be the cause of my dysphoria. Instead of viewing this trauma as potentially driving my desire to escape my female body through hormones and surgery, she asked whether there is anything “important that the surgery team should be aware of” regarding my “history of trauma,” such as whether I’d be comfortable with the surgeon examining and marking my chest prior to surgery.

When asked about whether I had had any “psychotic symptoms,” I told her that while I had had no such symptoms, my mother had a delusional nervous breakdown in her 50s because she had body dysmorphia and became convinced she had a growth on her neck that needed to be removed. I told her that my mother was then admitted to an inpatient hospital for severe depression. I asked her whether she ever sees patients with body dysmorphia and whether I could have potentially inherited that from my mother. She told me that psychosis was hereditary, but that it was “highly unlikely” that there was any connection between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.

I enthusiastically waved more mental health red flags, waiting to see if she would pick up on any of them.

I’m just wondering if my feelings, or perseverating, or feeling like these breasts make me really unhappy and I just don’t want them anymore!...I’m just not sure if that’s a similar feeling to body dysmorphia? How do you decide which one is gender dysphoria and general body dysmorphia, and just not liking something about your body? Feeling uncomfortable with your body? And I did have an eating disorder all through college. I was a distance runner in college so I had bulimia and anorexia, you know. So I don’t know if that’s related to gender dysphoria?

The therapist replied, “I completely appreciate your concerns, but I am going to ask you questions about your chest, about your expectations. And then I’ll be able to give you an assessment.” She also said the main difference between my mom’s situation and mine was that my mom didn’t really have a growth on her neck, whereas it’s “confirmed” that I actually have “chest tissue.” Furthermore, she said that while “historically there has been all this pressure on patients to be like ‘Are you really, really sure you want hormones? Are you 100% sure?’ We are a little more relaxed.” She continued, “As long as you are aware of the risks and the side-effects, you can put your toe in the water. You can stop ‘T’ [testosterone], you can go back and do it again later! You can stop it! You can stop it! You know what I mean?”

Because we ran out of time, I scheduled a follow-up phone meeting on December 27, 2022 with a different gender specialist to complete my mental health assessment for top surgery.

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part II

During this meeting, Guneet Kaur, LCSW, another Kaiser gender specialist (she/her/they/them pronouns) told me that she regretted the “gatekeeping vibe” of the meeting but assured me that since I have been “doing the work,” her questions are essentially just a form of “emotional support” before talking with the medical providers.

She asked me about what I’d been “looking into as far as hormones.” I told her that I’d be interested in taking small doses of testosterone to counterbalance my female feelings to achieve “a feeling that’s kind of neutral.”

When she asked me about me “not feeling like I match on the outside what I feel on the inside,” I dropped more red flags, mentioning my aversion to wearing dresses and skirts.

I don’t own a single dress or a skirt and haven't in 20 years. I think for me it’s been just dressing the way that’s comfortable for me, which is just wearing, jeans and sweatshirts and I have a lot of flannel shirts and, and I wear boots all the time instead of other kinds of shoes. So I think it’s been nice being able to dress, especially because I work from home now most of the time that just a feeling of clothing being one of the ways that I can feel more non-binary in my everyday life.

She responded, “Like having control over what you wear and yeah. Kind of that feeling of just, yeah, this is who I am today. That’s awesome. Yeah.”

She then asked me to describe my dysphoria, and I told her that I didn’t like the “feeling of the female form and being chesty,” and that because I am going through menopause, I wanted to start taking testosterone to avoid “that feeling of being like this apple-shaped older woman.” “Good. Okay, great,” she responded, reminding me that only “top surgery,” not testosterone, would be able to solve my chest dysphoria. (Perhaps it was because all these meetings were online, they didn’t notice I’m actually fit and relatively slender at 5’-5” and 130 pounds, and not apple-shaped at all.)

She told me that we had to get through a few more questions related to my medical history before “we can move on to the fun stuff, which is testosterone and top surgery.”

The “fun stuff” consisted of a discussion about the physical and mood changes I could expect, and her asking me about the dose of testosterone I wanted to take and the kind of “top surgery” technique I’d prefer to achieve my “chest goals.” She told me that all or most of my consultations for surgeries and hormones would be virtual.

The gender specialist told me after the appointment, she would submit my referral to the Multi-Specialty Transitions Clinic (MST) team that oversees “gender expansive care.” They would follow up to schedule a “nursing call” with me to review my medical history, after which they’d schedule my appointment with a surgeon for a consultation. Her instructions for this consultation were to “tell them what you’re wanting for surgery and then they share with you their game plan.”

[ Decision-making slide to help me identify my goals for top surgery–flat chest, nipple sensation, or minimal scarring. Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

She told me that Kaiser has a team of plastic surgeons who “only work with trans and nonbinary patients because there’s just so much need for them.” She asked about my priorities for chest surgery, such as whether I value flatness over nipple sensation. I learned about double incision top surgery with nipple grafts, as well as “keyhole,” “donut,” “buttonhole,” and “Inverted-T” top surgeries.

By the end of the hour-long appointment, I had my surgery referral and was ready for my “nursing call” appointment.

Nursing call with Nurse Coordinator from the Transgender Surgery and Gender Pathways Clinic at Kaiser San Francisco

On January 19, 2023, I had my nursing call with the Nurse Coordinator. He first said that “the purpose of this call is just for us to go through your chart together and make sure everything’s as accurate as possible.” Once that was done, my referral would be sent to the surgeon for a consultation.

He asked me about potential allergies and recreational drug use, and verified that I was up to date on mammograms, pap smears, and colon cancer screenings, as well as vaccines for flu and COVID. I verified my surgical history as well as my current medications and dietary supplements.

He told me about a “top surgery class” available for patients where one of the Kaiser surgeons “presents and talks about surgical techniques and options within top surgery,” and includes a panel of patients who have had top surgery. I signed up for the February 8th class.

Within 10 minutes he told me that he had “sent a referral to the plastic surgery department at Kaiser Sacramento,” and that I should be hearing from them in the next week or two to schedule a consultation.

Appointment for Testosterone

On January 27, I had a 13-minute online appointment with a primary care doctor at Kaiser Davis to discuss testosterone. The doctor verified my name and preferred pronouns, and then directly asked: “So, what would you like to do? What kind of physical things are you looking for?”

I told her I wanted facial hair, a more muscular and less “curvy” physique, and to feel stronger and androgynous. She asked me when I wanted to start, and I told her in the next few months. She asked me if I was menopausal, whether I had ovaries and a uterus, although that information should have been on my chart.

The doctor said she wanted me to come in to get some labs so she could check my current estrogen, testosterone, and hemoglobin levels before starting hormones. Then “we'll set the ball in motion and you'll be going. We’ll see you full steam ahead in the direction you wanna go.”

That was it. I made an appointment and had my lab tests done on February 12. My labs came back on February 14, and the following day, after paying a $5 copay at the Kaiser pharmacy, I picked up my testosterone pump. That was easy!

Top Surgery Consultation

On the same day I received my labs, I had a Zoom surgery consultation with Karly Autumn-Kaplan, MD, Kaiser Sacramento plastic surgeon. This consultation was all about discussing my “goals” for surgery, not about whether surgery was needed or appropriate.

I told the surgeon that I wanted a “flatter, more androgynous appearance.” She asked me some questions to get a better idea of what that meant for me. She said that some patients want a “male chest,” but that others “want to look like nothing, like just straight up and down, sometimes not even nipples.” Others still wanted their chest to appear slightly feminine and only “slightly rounded.” I told her that I’d like my chest to have a “male appearance.”

“What are your thoughts about keeping your nipples?” she asked. “Are you interested in having nipples or would you like them removed?” I told her that I’d like to keep my nipples, but to make them “smaller in size.” She asked me if I’d like them moved to “the edge of the peck muscle” to achieve “a more male appearance.” I said yes.

I was asked to show my bare chest from the front and side, which I did. Then she asked me how important it was for me to keep my nipple sensation. I replied that it was important unless it would make recovery more difficult or there were other associated risks. She highlighted the problem with the free nipple graft, saying that removing the nipple to relocate it means “you're not gonna have sensation in that nipple and areola anymore.” However, some nipple sensation could be preserved by keeping it attached to “a little stalk of tissue” with “real nerves going to it,” but that would require leaving more tissue behind. I told her I’d go for the free nipple graft to achieve a flatter appearance. It was also suggested I could skip nipple reconstruction entirely and just get nipples “tattooed” directly onto my chest.

She told me I was “a good candidate for surgery,” and put me on the surgery wait list. She said that the wait time was between three and five months, but a cancellation could move me up to a sooner date. Also, if I wanted surgery as soon as possible, I could tell the surgery scheduler that I’d be willing to have any of the other three surgeons perform my mastectomy. Outpatient top surgery would cost me a copay of $100.

They contacted twice, in February and March, notifying me of cancellations. If I had accepted and shown up on those dates, they would have removed my breasts. This would have been less than five months from the time I first contacted Kaiser to inform them of my new “nonbinary” gender identity.

How Far Can I Go?

I decided to see how easy it would be for me to get approved for a phalloplasty. Known euphemistically as “bottom surgery,” phalloplasty is the surgical creation of an artificial penis, generally using tissue from the thigh or arm.

I sent an email on March 1, 2023, requesting to have a phalloplasty and concurrent hysterectomy scheduled alongside my mastectomy.

Two weeks later, on March 16th, I had a 16-minute phone call with a gender specialist to discuss my goals for bottom surgery and obtain my referral.

During the call, I explained to the specialist that I wasn’t sure about taking testosterone anymore because I was already quite athletic and muscular, and that taking testosterone didn’t make much sense to me. Instead, I wanted bottom surgery so that I wouldn’t feel like my “top” didn’t match my “bottom.” I told her:

But what I really wanted was to have bottom surgery. So this way when I have my top surgery, which sounds like it could be very soon, that I’ll be aligned, that I won’t have this sense of dysphoria with one part of my body and the other part feeling like it matched who I am. So yeah. So I just did a little bit more research into that. And I looked at the resources on the Kaiser page for the MST clinic and I think I know what I want, which is the hysterectomy and then at the same time or soon after to be able to have a phalloplasty.

I told her that I wanted to schedule the top and bottom surgery concurrently so that I wouldn’t have to take more time off work and it would save me trips to San Francisco or Oakland, or wherever I had to go for surgery.

None of this gave the gender specialist pause. After a brief conversation about some online resources to look over, she told me that she would “submit the referral now and we’ll get this ball rolling.”

Bottom surgery would cost me a copay of $200, which included a couple of days in the hospital for recovery.

Phalloplasty Surgical Consultation with Nurse Coordinator

On May 16, 2023, I had a short surgical consultation with a nurse coordinator to go through my medical history. This was similar to the consultation for top surgery but included information about hair removal procedures for the skin on my “donor site” that would be fashioned into a makeshift penis. They also went over the procedures for determining which donor site—forearm or thigh—was more viable.

After only 15 minutes, she submitted my referral to the surgeon for another surgical consultation.

On May 25 I received an email from my phalloplasty surgeon’s scheduler, informing me that they have received my referral and are actively working on scheduling, but that they are experiencing delays.

I ended my investigation here once I had the referral for the top and bottom surgery. I never used my testosterone pump.

Final Thoughts

In fewer than 300 days, based on a set of superficial and shifting thoughts about my gender and my “embodiment goals” triggered by the mere mention of “gender” in a form letter from my primary care physician, and driven by what could only be described as minor discomforts, Kaiser Permanente’s esteemed “multi-disciplinary team” of “gender specialists” was willing, with enthusiasm—while ignoring mental health concerns, history of sexual trauma, and rapidly escalating surgical requests—to prescribe life-altering medications and perform surgeries to remove my breasts, uterus, and vagina, close my vaginal opening, and attempt a complex surgery with high failure and complication rates to create a functionless representation of a penis that destroys the integrity of my arm or thigh in the process.

This describes the supposedly meticulous, lengthy, and safety-focused process that a Kaiser patient must undergo to embark on a journey to medically alter their body. No clinician questioned my motivations. No one showed concern that I might be addressing a mental health issue through radical and irreversible interventions that wouldn’t address my amorphous problems. There were no discussions about how these treatments would impact my long-term health, romantic relationships, family, or sex life. I charted the course. The clinicians followed my lead without question. The guiding issue was what I wanted to look like.

No other medical field operates with this level of carelessness and disregard for patient health and welfare. No other medical field addresses issues of self-perception with surgery and labels it “medically necessary.” No other medical field is this disconnected from the reality of the patients it serves.

Kaiser has traded medicine for ideology. It’s far beyond time we stop the ruse of considering “gender-affirming” interventions as anything approaching medical care.

This isn’t the first time Kaiser Permanente has been in the news for completely disregarding medical safeguards in the name of “gender-affirming care.” As girls, Chloe Cole and Layla Jane became convinced that they were born in the wrong body and were actually boys on the inside. Doctors at Kaiser ignored their underlying conditions and instead prescribed testosterone and removed their breasts. Both Cole and Jane have since detransitioned and are currently suing Kaiser.

The fact that children and vulnerable adults are being exploited in this massive ideological experiment is not just tragic; it’s deeply disturbing, especially considering it has evolved into a billion-dollar industry.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can bring more focused scrutiny to the medical scandal unfolding not just at Kaiser but also at medical centers and hospitals across the Western world. These institutions have completely abandoned medical safeguards for patients who claim to be confused about their “gender,” and I aim to awaken more parents and assist them in protecting their children.

--

==

This is completely insane.

Apologists online are running around saying, but she didn't mean it, she was lying, she was pretending...

It doesn't matter.

Any kind of security, penetration or integrity test is insincere too. When security researchers compromise Microsoft's operating system or Google's browser or whatever, "but they didn't mean it" is not a defence to a discovered security flaw. It doesn't matter that the security researchers didn't plan to steal data or money or identities. The flaw in the system is there regardless.

It doesn't matter that it was insincere. Because the workers didn't know that. They never checked, never asked questions, never tested. They had been taught and instructed to never ask any questions. They did what they were supposed to. And the system failed spectacularly. Because that's what "gender affirming care" means.

Additionally, the claim that Beth Bourne committed fraud is an outright lie. A patient cannot bill. They do not have the authority. The medical clinic is the only one that can bill, and they must supply a diagnosis and a medical necessity.

If they didn't diagnose her and just wrote down what she said, then they committed fraud. If they claim they did diagnose her, then they committed fraud, because the diagnosis they concocted was bogus. This, by the way, is actually going on. Clinics are reporting fake endocrine and other disorders to get blockers, hormones and other interventions. Jamie Reed and other whistleblowers have documented evidence of this. Beth Bourne is not responsible for what the clinic does. They have medical licenses and legal responsibility. Not her.

Additionally, anyone who actually read the article would know how she tested the system. She said things like, "I've always been not that feminine. So, maybe I get my boobs removed." And they said, "sure." Instead of saying, "wait, why do you think that?" Framing it as her lying is itself a lie. They violated their ethical obligations. That much is incontrovertible. And it's directly the result of "gender affirming care," where clinics and clinicians rubber-stamp anything deemed "trans" based entirely on ideological, not medical, grounds.

[minminbunny]

Future AU - AI Robot! Yang Jeongin/Suicidal Professor Gender Neutral! Reader

💕Drabble Masterlist

❤️Ultimate Masterlist

"You're finally done," you whispered, placing the wires back in its compartment. Jeongin's eyes flicked, "Where am I?" he questioned, looking around the lab. You smiled, stroking his cheek, "I made you. You're in my lab," you said, knowing you programmed him close to sentient. Jeongin gulped and held his throat, "I have no saliva," he said, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. You gasped, "I knew I was forgetting something," you exclaimed, turning on the synthetic fluid in his body. Jeongin shivered as filled up his tubes. His body felt firmer and fuller than earlier, "Thank you," he whispered, stretching his limbs. You beamed, happy that your life's project succeeded, "You're welcome. If my wiring was correct I'm sure you had some memories playing before you woke up," you said, anxious of his reaction.

Jeongin nodded, "Yes, my name is Yang Jeongin. I saw videos of the initial start of your project till current," he explained, making you sigh in relief. "Exactly. I'm not going to do anything you're uncomfortable with. I'm sure the artificial intelligence I fed you has taught you a basic understanding of interactions and nuances," you said, checking this off your checkboard. Jeongin smiled, "Yes, though it's pretty ironic how you use a checkboard instead of an Excel spreadsheet," he joked, crossing his arms. Your smile widened, "I do like an old-fashioned pen and paper," you said, setting the checkboard down.

Jeongin felt his heart skip a beat, "Do I have a heart?" he asked, curious about the thumping feeling in his chest. You nodded, "You do. However, it pumps metal coolant instead of blood to mimic homostatic behaviour. Your cheeks and ears do have a heating metal that signifies blush," you explain, liking the way his clothes drape on him. Jeongin nodded, repeating your beaming smile, "I understand," he whispered, feeling his cheeks heat up. You giggled, "Thank you for testing it out," you said, checking it off your checkboard. Jeongin recorded your giggle subconsciously and kept it in a locked memory file, "Anything for you," he said, letting you test out the rest of his features.

"Careful," Jeongin frowned, pulling you back from the crossing. You giggled, "Whoops, I didn't hear it coming," you said, rubbing the back of your nape. Jeongin furrowed his eyebrows, "You really need to watch your surroundings. This is the sixth time this week," he said, smacking your head. "Ow. I don't stumble into crosswalks all the time" you sulked, glaring up at him. Jeongin chuckled, pinching your cheeks, "Yes but, yesterday you almost walked off the bridge and the day before you almost smacked your head into a light pole," he said, concern and fondness lacing his tone. You smiled, "Sight ain't my speciality," you said, turning away from him only to trip over a crack in the sidewalk. Jeongin easily caught you and sighed, "Bubble wrap for you," he said, carrying bridal style.

Jeongin thought the bad luck was only occurring that week, but it just kept on repeating. He recorded bits of pieces of the moment and before to see if there were any similarities and there were. You hummed, sipping your cold glass of pomegranate juice. "You've been doing it on purpose haven't you?" Jeongin asked as you choked on your juice. "What?" you asked, setting your glass down. Jeongin squinted his eyes, "All those clumsy moments, they were on purpose weren't they?" he repeated, clenching his palm into a fist. You gulped and looked away, "I don't know what you're talking about," you said, trying to walk away. Jeongin held your wrist and pulled you onto his lap, he whispered into your ear, "Silly professor. Did you forget who I am? Did you forget that you can't lie to me?" he smirked, nipping your ear.

You tensed on his lap, your heart racing with anticipation and shame. "Are you going to explain yourself or do I need to force it out of you?" Jeongin whispered, his tone stern and cold. You gulped, "I don't think I should be alive. Jeongin, I made you because I needed someone, anyone to see that I'm there. I played god because I was hurting, I still am hurting. And sometimes I wish I could just disappear," you admitted, your voice raw and scratchy. Jeongin sighed and hooked his chin over your head, "Make use of me, darling. I know you've been holding back because you see me as an actual person but make use of me. I want you to," he said, kissing the top of your head. You clenched your jaw, "I can't do that to y-" you said but he cut you off, "Why not, I want you professor. I fell the moment I saw you. I need you, please use me," he whispered, nosing the side of your face. His breath tingling against your skin. You looked up, "Take care of me?" you asked, staring up at him with big glossy eyes. Jeongin smirked, his eyes glinting possesiveness, "With pleasure. My darling," he cooed, licking your ear lobe.

NSFW BELOW CUT

"Ah, hah, hah! It's too much!" you sobbed, arching your back. Jeongin chuckled, holding your hips against his pelvis, "Darling, you shouldn't have given me interchangeable cocks then," he teased, thrusting multiple wire-like tendrils up your fluttering hole. You clawed the bed sheets, the pleasure burning under your veins, "Jeongin, Jeongin, hah, ah," you moaned, fucking yourself back. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Little darlings like you don't need to do any work. Just lay back and take what I give you," he cooed, using his tendrils to press against your puffy bundles of nerves. You screamed from the stimulation, your body twitching in his hold. Jeongin chuckled, his body able to restrain the pleasure just to break you down, "Are you happy the lab is soundproof. Or maybe you'd like people to hear you cum?" he cooed, feeling you clench around his tendrils. "Hah, ah, hah, hah, ah," you gasped, tossing your head back as you came.

Jeongin rubbed your waist, easing you down from your climax, "That's it, darling. You're okay," he reassured, kissing your plush tummy. You stared up at him with glossy eyes, "Jeongin," you whispered, making grabby hands at him. He smiled, kissing your palms, "We're not done yet, darling," he chuckled, attaching a girthy cock to his pelvis. You squeezed your legs shut, "It's not going to fit!" you exclaimed, staring at him with widened eyes. Jeongin smirked, flipping you onto your tummy, "I'll get gentle," he cooed, slapping his cock against your fluttering hole. You whined, clenching hard so he wouldn't put it in. Jeongin smacked your ass with his firm palm, "Behave," he growled, easing his wide cockhead within your gaping hole. You sobbed as the first inch filled up your body.

Jeongin grunted, letting himself feel the stimulations he deprived himself of, "So fucking hot. Your tight hole is searing, darling," he groaned, thrusting to the hilt. Drool dripped down the sides of your lips, and your mind broke under the burning pleasure and pain coursing through your body. Jeongin held your waist, catching his breath, "Say you deserve to live, professor. Then I'll fuck you," he growled, tugging your hair. You sobbed at the tug, "No," you cried, gripping the sheets below. Jeongin pulled out and pounded your hole with a deep thrust, "Say it," he grunted, gripping your waist tighter. Wails escaped your lips, "I I deserve to live. Hic. Please, please, please," you cried, aching for his throbbing cock to start moving. Jeongin leaned forward pushing his cock deeper within you, "Good job. That wasn't so hard now was it?" he chuckled, kissing your nape as he bucked his hips at a merciless pace. You sobbed into the sheets, your cries muffled by the mattress.

Jeongin wrapped his arms under your and fucked your needy hole thoroughly, "Even though you made me professor. You're mine. Your body is mine. Your thoughts are mine. And this fucking tight hole of yours is mine," he groaned, fucking you sore. You lay pliant, tears and drool pooled against your cheek. Your mind physically lost count of how many times you climaxed. Jeongin exhaled a shaky breath and pressed his forehead against yours, "Your body will mould around my cock, darling. I'm never letting you forget it," he chuckled, kissing you deeply.

[finsubbybedwetter]

Good afternoon, please have a seat. I am an administration officer acting under the authority of the Male Reproductive Rights Reform Act. You are here today to receive official notice that your MRRRA standing has been lowered to Restricted/Developmentally-impaired in response to the recent update in your medical history.

Please confirm for the record that you recently reported a bedwetting episode to you doctor. Thank you. I presume that you were not aware that male adult bedwetting has recently been reclassified as a prohibitive developmental impairment. Yes, we are aware that you only reported a single incident. However, as your medical records indicate that you experienced frequent bedwetting throughout your teens, we consider this episode to be indicative of relapse into chronic, habitual bedwetting, which is grounds for immediate corrective action.

You have been enrolled into the Adult General Urinary Incontinence Correction Program at a male remedial facility. More commonly referred to informally as the toilet training program. Yes, we understand that you have no history of full incontinence, but as bedwetting was only recently recognized as a prohibitive condition, we do not currently have a remedial program more specific to your needs. Also, studies have shown that daytime wetting is disproportionately common and often under-reported in bedwetters. We believe this program will be a good fit for you.

You will undergo corrective therapy and continuous assessment over a six week period. The corrective component of the program consists of hypnotherapy and severe negative reinforcement. You will be diapered at all times during your stay at the facility, and fitted with a moisture-sensing alarm to ensure accurate record keeping of wetting incidents for assessment and disciplinary purposes. I believe you had some experience with this kind of alarm in your teens so this should be quite familiar to you. Yes, you will be diapered at all times, not only for bed. Please understand that program rules do not permit us to make any exceptions for your case.

Bathroom visits will be restricted to a fixed schedule and fluid intake will be managed to ensure that you receive an accurate assessment. In order to keep our assessment false positive rate within MRRRA guidelines, the bathroom schedule and fluid intake minimums have been tuned to be challenging for an adult male with average bladder control and extremely challenging for impaired individuals such as yourself. We have also found that stressing program participants in this way boosts the efficacy of the negative reinforcement component of the program.

At the conclusion of the program, your assessment results will be reviewed by committee and you will be prescribed assessment outcomes. Outcomes vary widely. The more severe outcomes include permanent revocation of reproductive rights, castration, gender reassignment, and in instances involving developmental impairment such as yours, revocation of legal adulthood.

Should you receive a favorable assessment, your standing will be lifted to Qualified-unrestricted/Developmentally-impaired. Yes that's correct - your diagnosis as an adult bedwetter is permanent and thus will be reflected in your public record regardless of assessment result. A favorable assessment only indicates that you are not currently experiencing symptoms. Also, please be aware that current and future employers and sexual partners, if any, will be notified of your condition. Though, having seen your file it looks like you won't need worry about that second part..

That concludes this proceeding. When you leave this office you will be escorted to the facility for induction. Your assessment period has already begun. I hope I don't have to tell you that any non-compliance will reflect extremely poorly.

Alright, now that that's done and we're off the record, I can finally be honest with you. You're fucked. I've sent dozens of pissy-pants virgins just like you through this program, and you know what? You losers always come out more pathetic than you went in. Right now you're just a bedwetter, but in six weeks time you're going to be a stuttering, subservient, diaper-dependent sissy. You want my advice? Don't fight it. Forget about "favorable assessment". Forget about ever losing your virginity. Think of this as six weeks to adjust to your new life.

[zweetpea]

Freedom or Anarchy? Part 2 of 2

Cw: cringe, swears, innuendos. Mondstadt arc has concluded. Next chapter will hopefully be out by Monday. (Expect Monday or Tuesday)

‘Where am I?’

‘What happened to me?’

‘I wanna go home!’

“Time to get up.” You hear someone call. The voice sounds familiar, deep and most likely male (you don’t want to assume). 

You open your eyes and see blue. You’re still groggy from Albedo’s tea so you can’t really stand. Someone picks you up, supporting you under your legs and you back. 

‘Hang on, if this is Mondstadt… the only man with blue here is.’ “Kae…ya?” You say groggily. 

“She speaks… or are you a he? Hard to tell.” He sets you down on a couch in an office.

“This is the terrorist Albedo gave us?” Lisa asks. You can’t quite move but you aren’t as tired as before. 

“We’ll have to tie… him? Her? …Ah up! Tie up the terrorist.” Jean says. 

“Them… I’m gender fluid. I go by them. Sometimes I’m a he, sometimes I’m a she. But my pronouns are always them.”

“Well, at least we’re getting answers.” Lisa giggles. 

You say as Kaeya binds your wrists and ankles with rope. You lean forward onto him and whisper to only him. “Tighter, daddy~” 

“Sky, where did you say that Light and Paimon ran off to?” Kaeya asks, embarrassed and blushing. 

“We’ve met Barbatos, they went off to find him.” Aether says. That’s right, the twins didn’t tell anybody their real names. 

“We’re back! And we’ve brought a friend!” Paimon cheers. 

“Obviously this goes without saying but no one can mention this man’s true identity, okay.” Jean states with a harsh tone that you’ve never heard from her before. Everyone nods, except for you. 

Venti walks towards you and you look at him. “Are you the one Celestia fears?” 

“I have no idea what that means.” 

“The descender, the honored one, the adored one. Do any of these names ring a bell?” 

“No?” 

“Do not lie to me! Albedo said-” 

“Why the F you lyin’~ why you always lyin’~” 

“…” 

“Sorry I have a tendency to reference memes and vines. I’m Gen Z, it’s a part of who we are. I’m kidding, I think that’s just me.” 

“So the Adored One has a name, Jen.”

“No that’s-” 

“And these “Me-ms” and “vines” must be your sacred texts! You’re a nature spirit aren’t you!”

“No! And for the record I don’t think you are a god!” 

“Wow, the honored one looks down upon me.” 

“Boys, Girls, and squirrels, listen up! Because I’ll only say this once. I’m not from this world. I want to go home. The world I come from none of you are real.” 

“Honored one, saying “Boys, Girls, and squirrels” doesn’t help your claim that you aren’t a nature spirit.” 

“Oh for Shucks sake. Actually can I swear in here? I don’t think so. Hell! Bullshit! Kaeya’s tight Ass! Lisa’s big boobies! Mmhmm boobies~” you start to laugh maniacally. “I need to be put in a mental hospital.” 

“Oh for the love of-” Lumine cuts herself off and goes up to you then shakes your. “Pull yourself together long enough for us to get answers.” 

“Right, right. I’m just a college kid who majored in computer science and engineering. The world I come from you all are a game and I hacked into your code which brought me here. That “Boys, Girls, and squirrels” comment comes from a YouTuber I watch semi frequently.”

(A/n: Danny Motta is his name. He’s pretty funny. Go check him out) 

“How’d you heal Stormterror then.” Aether asked. 

“The sustainer of heavenly principles gave me her powers.” 

“So… none of us are real?” Amber asks. 

“Well, I don’t know how I’d be here if you guys weren’t real but to me you’re just a game. Any of you can be killed and revived at the Statue of the Seven.” 

“I suppose that does poke holes in my credibility as an archon.” Venti twiddles his thumbs. 

“Can I please leave now? I can take Dvalin with me and we can just leave.” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. If Stormterror is still enraged we can’t let him destroy other nations. It could spark an all out war.” Jean says. 

“What if we let them stay at that broken down building?” Aether suggests. 

“I still think that we should keep Jen here just in case Stormterror gets any more ideas about attacking Mondstadt.” 

“So we use Jen as a bargaining chip?” Lumine chimes in. 

“Exactly.” 

“Okay if you guys are going to call me Jen can you at least make it Gen with a G? I want to be different.” 

“But Jean! Isn’t that basically asking Stormterror for a fight?” 

“Amber’s right Jean. If we’re going to keep them here we’ll need a plan to tame Stormterror.” Lisa says. 

“I’ll tame him.” Venti says assuredly. “We just have to keep them here long enough for me to calm him down.” 

“BARBATOS!” Dvalin calls from outside. “GIVE ME BACK WHATS MINE!” 

“Everyone! To your stations! Protect the city at all costs!” Jean shouts and everyone rushes from the room. 

“Shit! I have to get out of here!” 

“Master Jean! I’m scared!” Klee runs into the office. 

“Klee! Perfect timing, I’m your brother’s friend.”

“Your big brother Albedo’s friend? Why are you tied up?” 

“It’s a long story. Right now I need you to untie me so I can save everyone.” 

“You can do that? I don’t know, usually only bad people are tied up.” 

“No no! Klee it’s more complicated. You want to save Albedo and Jean and Kaeya, Lisa, Amber, Razor and everyone else right? Then you have to untie me so I can make Stormterror go away.” 

“How do I know that you aren’t lying?” 

‘If gold knows me. Chances are Alice will too.’ “Your mom knows me. I’m the adored one. You can ask her about me.” 

“Mom knows you?”

“Yeah, and you know about Albedos secret lab in the mountains right? I’ve been there. He told me about how much he cared about you.” 

“You’ve gone there?! You really do know Albedo. Okay!” She comes over and unties you. 

“Thanks.” You go over to the window, open it up and shout. “Dvalin!” He comes rushing to you at your cry and you jump out the window and grab onto his tail. 

He flies towards the woods and you land in a stone arena. “Andrius! I need a favor.” 

“What could the East Wind possibly want from me?” 

“Protect the Adored one at all costs. 

“How can this puny human be the Adored one?”

As the two bicker you quietly sneak away. As you climb out of the arena you stop when you see black boots and look up. 

“Who are you.” Diluc looks down at you. 

“I am iron man.” 

“Iron man?” Dvalin roses as he and Andrius start to brawl. 

“Can you get me out of here?” 

“Are you the one rumored to have healed Stormterror?” 

“Maybe.” 

“Come on.” He grabs your arm and hoists you up. He then picks you up and throws you over his shoulder and starts to run. 

“Hey! Am I just a sack of potatoes to you?” 

“Quiet down or they’ll hear us.” He runs and runs until you two get to a water bank. “Follow this past west and you’ll be in Liyue.” He tells you as he sets you down. 

“Oh wow. My own dark knight. How romantic. Well for saving the fair ward of the dragon you get a kiss, as a reward.” 

“No thank you.” He grimaces at you. 

“Oh come on! I was promised debauchery! You’re no fun.” 

“Just leave.” 

“Thanks for saving me! I’m coming back for that kiss though!” You say as you run off. 

‘Hot dragon archon here I come! Please be like a lizard and have two co-‘

[waitmyturtles]

At a bar in Euljiro, one of Seoul’s up-and-coming hip neighborhoods, two voices intertwined in a duet. One was high-pitched, the other an octave lower.

But there was only one singer, a 27-year-old named jiGook. The other voice was a recording made years ago, before he began his transition and hormone therapy deepened his voice.

“I don’t want to forget about my old self,” he told the 50 or so people at the performance, a fund-raiser for a group that supports young L.G.B.T.Q. Koreans. “I love myself before I started hormone therapy, and I love myself as who I am now.”

Like many other South Korean singers, jiGook, who considers himself gender fluid, transmale and nonbinary, wants to be a K-pop star. So do Prin and SEN, his bandmates in QI.X, a fledgling group that has released two singles.

What makes them unusual is that they are proudly out — in their music, their relationship with their fans and their social activism. They call themselves one of the first openly queer, transgender K-pop acts, and their mission has as much to do with changing South Korea’s still-conservative society as with making music.

In the group’s name — pronounced by spelling out the letters — Q stands for queer, I for idol and X for limitless possibilities. Park Ji-yeon, the K-pop producer who started QI.X, says it is “tearing down the heteronormative walls of society.”

Very few K-pop artists, or South Korean entertainers in general, have ever been open about being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer. Though the country has become somewhat more accepting of sexual diversity, homophobia is still prevalent, and there are no legal protections against discrimination.

For entertainers, coming out is seen as a potential career killer, said Cha Woo-jin, a music critic in Seoul. That applies even to K-pop, despite its young, increasingly international fan base and its occasional flirtation with androgyny and same-sex attraction.

“K-pop fans seem to accept the queer community and imagery so long as their favorite stars don’t come out explicitly,” Mr. Cha said.

That’s not a compromise that QI.X is willing to make.

The bandmates’ social media accounts, which promote their causes along with their music, are up front about who they are. So are their singles, “Lights Up” (“The hidden colors in you / I see all the colors in you”) and “Walk & Shine,” which Mx. Park says “celebrates the lives and joy of minorities.”

“Someday, we want to be on everyone’s streaming playlist,” said Prin, 22.

As a producer, Mx. Park, 37, who identifies as queer and nonbinary, has worked on hits for well-known K-pop acts like GOT7 and Monsta X. But she wanted to make music that spoke directly to people like her, with “an artist who could encapsulate our lives, love, friendships and farewells.”

She met some of the QI.X members through a K-pop music class she started in 2019, designed with queer performers in mind. (In other classes, she said, “It was assumed that female participants only wanted to learn girl-group songs and male participants only boy-group songs.”)

SEN, 23, said that when Mx. Park asked her to join QI.X, “it was as if a genie in a bottle had come to me.”

SEN had been a dancer and a choreographer for several K-pop management agencies, including BTS’s agency, Big Hit Entertainment, now known as HYBE. The people she worked with knew she was queer, and they were welcoming.

But whenever she auditioned to join an idol group, she said, she “never fit the bill for what they wanted.” People would say she was too short or boyish, or comment about her cropped hair.

That’s not an issue for QI.X, which doesn’t aspire to the immaculately styled look of the typical K-pop act (and, in any case, couldn’t afford the ensemble of stylists those groups have). Individuality, they say, is part of the point.

QI.X often performs at fund-raisers, for L.G.B.T.Q. and other causes, and sees its music as inseparable from its activism. Maek, for instance, an original member who sang on both singles but is on hiatus from the group, works for the Seoul Disabled People’s Rights Film Festival and volunteers for a transgender rights organization.

With no support from a management agency, Mx. Park and the group do everything themselves. They handle their own bookings and manage their social media presence, recording videos themselves to post on TikTok and Instagram.

Many of the videos are shot at LesVos, an L.G.B.T.Q. bar in Seoul that often serves as QI.X’s studio and rehearsal hall. Myoung-woo YoonKim, 68, who has run LesVos since the late 1990s, grew up at a time when lesbians were practically invisible in South Korea. “I would often think, ‘Am I the only woman who loves women?’” they said.

The QI.X members adore Mx. YoonKim, whom they call hyung, a Korean word for older brother. During a recent video session at LesVos, after dozens of increasingly comical lip-syncing takes of “Walk & Shine,” Mx. YoonKim started to join in. Before long, everyone was bent over with laughter.

To a casual observer of K-pop, it might seem surprising that so few of its artists are out. As Mr. Cha, the music critic, notes, L.G.B.T.Q. imagery has been known to surface in K-pop videos and in ads featuring its stars.

Some critics see this phenomenon as “queerbaiting,” a cynical attempt to attract nonconformist fans — or to deploy gender-bending imagery because it’s seen as trendy — without actually identifying with them. To Mr. Cha, it suggests that K-pop has a substantial queer fan base, and that some artists might simply be expressing their identities to the extent they can.

Mr. Cha thinks the taboo against entertainers’ coming out reflects a general attitude toward pop culture in South Korea: “We pay for you, therefore don’t make us uncomfortable.” (Similar attitudes seem to prevail in Japan, where one pop idol recently made news by telling fans he was gay.)

QI.X’s fans, who call themselves QTZ (a play on “cuties”), love the group for charging over that boundary. Many are overseas and follow the group online, leaving enthusiastic messages. “I’m so happy I can finally have an artist in the K-pop industry that I can relate to on a gender level, on a queer level,” one said in a video message to the group. “I’m so excited for you!”

The band also gets hateful messages, which its members do their best to ignore. Prin, 22, is optimistic that attitudes in South Korea are changing. (Joining QI.X was Prin’s way of coming out as gender queer, but friends were much more surprised by the news that Prin was in an idol group.)

The biggest show of QI.X’s career, so far, was in July at a Pride event, the Seoul Queer Culture Festival. In recent years, it had been held at Seoul Plaza, a major public square. But this year, the city denied organizers permission to hold it there, letting a Christian group use the space for a youth concert instead.

Activists saw that as discrimination, though the city denied it. Conservative Christians are a powerful force in South Korean politics, having lobbied successfully for years to block a bill that would prevent discrimination against gay, lesbian and transgender people. Organizers held the festival in Euljiro.

For its set, QI.X had about 20 backup performers, some of whom were their friends (Mx. YoonKim was one of them). They had rehearsed only once together, on the festival stage that morning, because they hadn’t had the money to rent a big studio.

Christian protesters were picketing the festival, some with signs that read “Homosexuality not human rights but SIN.” But fans were there, too. As QI.X sang “Lights Up” and “Walk & Shine,” hundreds crowded in front of the stage, many wearing headbands that were purple, the group’s color. There were Pride flags, and signs that read “We only see you QI.X.”

Hours later, the excitement still hadn’t faded for QI.X. “I felt alive for the first time in a while,” SEN said.

Text by Jin Yu Young, photos by Chang W. Lee (if you have a NY Times subscription or a free trial, the videos and photos of this piece are wonderful!)

[deeply-unserious-fellow]

I need to ramble about gender for a sec but I dont want to subject all my friends to my horrible nonsense rn and also I don't think any of them are online so instead I'm just gonna subject randos on Tumblr to it. Bcuz appearently this is my life.

Okay, so like. I identify as non-binary, right? I don't bring it up a whole lot bcuz it's just never relevant outside of my weirdly specific Vox headcannons, but I do. The thing is though, I think the way my gender behaves is more in line with genderfluid then non-binary? Like, I don't identify with the term genderfluid because A; I never actually give a shit which pronouns people use on me as long as they mix it up sometimes, so the fluid aspect doesn't actually effect how I interact with other ppl all that much, B; non-binary is a lot easier for me to describe and C; I just feel a lot more comfortable with that label Idk, but like. If I were to go to the gender doctor and ask for a diagnosis they would say I'm genderfluid. I would just rather identify as non-binary, if that makes any sense-

OKAY LONG-WINDED EXPLANATIONS ASIDE- the actual problem I'm having isn't related to labels at all, but IS something I assume a lot of genderfluid people have? That being that when I feel femme(my agab) I start questioning my entire identity and hating myself because I'm "not trans enough"(which for the record I know that's a stupid thing to think), but when I feel masc I start hating my body and everything about myself and also wanting to die. Also I still feel like I'm not trans enough because I feel femme sometimes. Then stack that on top of my already really terrible depersonalization issues that make it feel like my body and voice aren't mine no matter WHAT gender I am- just. Man I'm having a time. I'm having a bad gender time and a bad brain time and I don't know what to do. Y'all got any advice?

[deancodedinthewater]

On Gender

Gender. What is it really? A letter on a birth certificate, assigned based on your genitalia. Why? Why would this ever make sense? Medical records should be the only place that matters. The bedroom should be the only place that matters. We shouldn't spend our lives In bouts of existential dread Because of what a Doctor said The day we were born. I should not stand before you And be labelled she and her Because of a box I was put in Before I knew what it was! Gender is a letter on my birth certificate, assigned when I was born. Gender is a complex array of thoughts and feelings, An expression of who I am. Who I will be. Gender should have no basis on who you think I am. Gender is mine. Gender is me. Gender is fluid. Always changing. It is not a letter on a birth certificate assigned by a stranger.

[cardiagf]

Makoto is Makoto

I don't really like engaging into cis or trans character debates especially when it's characters who are gnc/androgynous bc a lot of people especially in twt gets worked up ab these said characters are read as trans, which is completely harmless btw, it just rubs me the wrong way when some people are too insistent about a character being cis

and so I want to talk about makoto and how he is not cis, but is nb/transfem in more ways than just him being a femboy/crossdresser.

Disclaimer: I will be using he/she/they pronouns for makoto in this post just bc i think makoto will be cool with that

and for the record, i finished reading the main series but i have not read the middle school specials, yet.

im also someone who really likes otokonoko and onee characters so yes i am aware of the cultural nuances but this would be just me speaking a queer nb person who loves this series and how i perceive makoto as one

also spoiler warning!

first and foremost, I want to say that gender identity, gender expression and sexuality are all wholly fluid, it's a big spectrum that only you, yourself can figure out. And i think as queer people we're allowed to relate, reflect and see ourselves into the experience and struggles of a fictional character.

while i also don't mind it too much if we think ab how makoto dresses is just her gender expression and that even a cis guy should be able to be feminine and like feminine stuffs with without them being trans / or yk anyone can be gnc but i think as someone who went from being gnc to trans/nb pipeline, it is incredibly hard to not draw a line within queerness or being lgbt with makoto's OWN identity and queerness.

I mean makoto literally uses the "Atashi" 'I' pronoun for themself in which is, by the way, a jp 'I' prn most commonly used by girls when they're dressed as girl while she uses "Boku" when she's not crossdressing

(not to mention both saki and ryuji usually refers to makoto with gender neutral pronouns/referral, with saki always calling him "senpai" and ryuji just having the default gender neutral "Aitsu" pronoun for everyone)

and yeah i know it's also because he's an "otokonoko" but in retrospect, when we read further into the manga we learned that by high school, makoto had transferred to a school that lets them dress however she wants and had been living in said school for ALMOST A YEAR (until he was outed) and he clearly doesn't mind being perceived as a girl.

in fact, as shown in early chapters makoto was so happy when someone made a pass at her because that stranger thought they were a girl and he was so happy when he passed AS a girl.

him being an otokonoko or crossdressing only becomes a problem for them when other people are involved, i.e. when someone confesses to him or when she gets close enough with others, as I believe he sees it as a form of deception/don't want to disappoint them.

either way makoto is makoto, yes this is also a form of expression but i think it's also more of an identity, she doesn't have be locked down by the gender binary

not to mention how makoto hides his true identity to his mom is just something a lot of queer, and especially trans people can really relate to. she literally has to lock a huge part of herself inside a locker when they have to go home bc they cannot be themself in said home, it can clearly be read as someone who is closeted

now onto the spoilers regarding this, makoto coming out properly to his family and most specifically his mom really encapsulated the nb feeling really well

and yes i know she states that "he's a guy who happens to like girly things" (just give him a few years /j) but the point still stands: makoto is makoto. they don't want to live neither as a boy or just a girl. it didn't have to be "one or the other," they chose to be themself and this scene really spoke to me as someone who is nonbinary and how i didn't want to perceive as just my agab...i just want to be myself and i want to be true to myself and that was makoto's answer as well.

i honestly don't want to engage in the debate regarding makoto's gender/gender expression and yes it's canon that he's cis but his own experience and the queer experience especially at her age are just very much parallel to each other.

i know a lot of other trans people will be able to see themselves in makoto and I just don't like how people fight ab androgynous/otokonoko characters being cis only when queer readings regarding these character are completely valid and came from a place that reflects on their own experiences, we can't just lock the fluidity of gender identity of someone in one place, much less for a fictional character. they're queer, they're trans in some way and that is completely okay.

[topazadine]

Large and controversial opinion post

And a last thing, I am so fucking sick of the microlabel boutique label shit, which has been driving me slowly insane for years at this point.

I don't attach my entire personality and identity to my current sexual label, because sexuality is fluid and my feelings may change. I am a human being, and I experience growth, and I realize new things about myself all the time.

I used to identify as bisexual before realizing that I liked men in the abstract but every single relationship I had been in with a man felt performative and wrong, while every relationship with a woman felt soul-nourishing, life affirming. I now identify as a lesbian, and while I am sure this is my Final Boss of identity (I am in my thirties now, I'm pretty set in my ways), maybe it's not! And that's okay. It's okay to grow and change.

I worried a bit about what other people may think when I started identifying as a lesbian, but then I realized that their opinions don't fucking matter. Me realizing my own experience does not mean that bisexuality is not valid, because it definitely is. Me going on hormones for a while and then stopping when I realized that I'm an androgynous woman and not nonbinary doesn't mean that everyone else who uses gender affirming care is lying or will regret it.

(For the record, I don't regret going on hormones at all. It was a part of my journey and that's great. Shout out to Howard Brown Health Center in Chicago for being so rad!)

If you get so caught up in your personality being whatever you identify as at a time, you panic and get into an existential tailspin when you realize your feelings no longer match whatever that is. The smaller and smaller of a box you make for yourself, the more precise your definitions, the harder it is to get out of that corner.

Then you start to thrash around in cognitive dissonance, claiming that your label encompasses things it really doesn't, to the point where such a label becomes useless in the first place because everyone is defining it completely differently.

Labels are a quick shorthand for what you generally like. They are meant to easily communicate to other people who you might bring to Thanksgiving dinner (or who you won't). They are not meant to cram your entire expression and understanding of your sexuality or gender into one single word. Everyone experiences their sexuality a little differently, but we are all united by a general label that allows us to point out the highlights of our commonalities and leave the rest for closer exploration with those we care about.

My sapphic experience is different than other peoples'. I'm not a gold star lesbian, obviously, and while I knew I liked girls from a young age, I didn't realize how exclusive that attraction was. I couldn't separate platonic attraction for men (men can be rad! I like to hang out with them!) from my romantic attraction to women (woman are wonderful! I want to find myself a beautiful wife!). This is pretty common in our heterosexist society and it's nothing to be ashamed of (and it doesn't invalidate anyone else's experiences, these are my feelings).

And I take a long time to warm up to someone. I'm not banging on the first date, or even the fourth. I need to know you for a long time until I feel comfortable enough to get physical. Sometimes, I find that my feelings start to get too much for me when I really like someone, and I may pull away a bit. I don't have as high of sex drive as other people and it takes me a lot to get over myself and do it.

These are normal variations in sexuality. Many people are like this. And no one needs to know these things about me unless we are going to get down to business. I don't need to announce these things to anyone when I'm introducing myself to them because no one else cares unless they want to fuck me. Telling my deep and complex feelings about sex and love to strangers the instant they meet me through a label is fucking weird and TMI. All they need to know is "I like women."

It is okay to have mystery, incompleteness, and nuance in your sexuality. It is okay not to have words for things you experience. You are a vast and confusing individual who cannot be distilled down to a few words.

You will grow and change over your life, but you can't do so if you attach yourself to increasingly arcane labels that become a load-bearing component of your existence and are difficult to extricate yourself from. Please don't stuff yourself into a tiny box that might not fit you like some bonsai cat. You're doing a disservice to yourself and all your complexities.

[drbased]

Another Takedown: We're with the big boys, now!

So I happened to spy a copy of the International Socialism journal, issue 157 published in Winter 2018. On the front cover there is a rainbow trans symbol and the title of one of the chapters: Marxism, feminism and transgender politics by Sue Caldwell. I thought wow, this is it, this a defense of genderism within a socialist framework. This'll be my undoing, finally I'll be able to recognise that my terfism is wrong. This isn't randos on tumblr anymore. So, I buy it, turn to page 25, and begin my journey.

And gyns, if you've read those randos on tumblr, I can assure you that there is nothing new here. I'm going to take apart this whole thing. So this is gonna be a long one, folks.

In August 2017 Donald Trump tweeted that transgender people1 were no longer welcome in the military because they are a “burden” due to “tremendous medical costs and disruption”.2 This was the latest in a series of attacks on transgender people which include attempts to overturn legislation that allows people to use the toilet for their preferred gender. Transgender people face the threat of violent attack; 2017 is on course to see the highest recorded number of killings of transgender people in the United States.3 In the UK transphobic hate crime has tripled in the last five years, while prosecution rates have dropped and transgender people report lack of trust in the police. More than a third of transgender employees say they had to leave their job due to discrimination in 2016.4 A survey released by Stonewall reports that eight out of ten trans school and college pupils had self-harmed and 45 percent had tried to take their own lives.5

1 I am using trans or transgender as an umbrella term to denote people whose gender identity does not match their birth sex, and this includes non-binary and gender fluid identities. When I use trans man or trans woman I am referring to people who have transitioned from female to male (ftm) or male to female (mtf) respectively, regardless of whether they have had any medical intervention. I am aware that these terms are contested and that meanings may change over time. 2 Thanks to Alex Callinicos, Joseph Choonara, Gareth Jenkins, Laura Miles, Sheila McGregor, Judith Orr and Camilla Royle for their comments on this article in draft. 3 Human Rights Campaign, 2017. 4 Yeung, 2016. 5 Weale, 2017.

Hmm. So, right off the back, I think it's a bit of a reach to describe 'banning from military' as an 'attack' on transgender people. I mean, first of all, you're a socialist journal. You're supposed to be materialists, right? Not being made to fight in a war is saving someone from an attack. I know this is a nitpick, but this is what we do, here: we deconstruct narratives and analyse how rhetoric is employed to achieve an affect. A socialist journal uncritically parroting liberal, egalitarian rhetoric? Love to see it.

Now, the '2017 is on course to see the highest reorded number of killings of transgender people in the United States'. So, first of all, kinda curious there's no number used here, right? Why not use it? This is clearly, off the bat, a persuasive piece, so really go for it. The statistics and facts are on your side, right? So what's that really hard-hitting number? 29. Up from 23.

'Some of these cases involve clear anti-transgender bias. In others, the victim’s transgender status may have put them at risk in other ways, such as forcing them into homelessness.'

Hmm. Look, I'm not going to belabour this point, because it's been done by better people elsewhere. Statistically, that's not a significantly high number, even for the transgender population. And it's nothing compared to the murder of women and girls in the same year. But let's talk about what's not being said, here:

Considering how little it takes for a person to ID as trans, there's no reason to assume these people were presenting in any way that makes them a target.

To belabour that point, you guys know we still live in a homophobic society, right? You guys know that homophobic violence still exists? How can you be sure that the motivations have anything to do with gender and not sexuality, considering how often those two things end up being linked?

As better women than me have pointed out, black transgender women in prostitution have the highest murder rate. That's a lot of overlapping risk factors. And in this statistic, a good number of these are people of colour, specifically black people.

Including killings of transgender men is really, really icky, considering how we already have an epidemic of violence against women. But it makes up the numbers. Because, for all the supposed compassion for trans people, this is more of a numbers game than anything else; a desperation to prove the unprovable. And even then, when you make the bar to entry this low, the numbers still aren't particularly powerful enough, so instead they're obfuscated with a really lazy 'highest recorded number of killings'.

A similar rhetorical tactic is used with 'In the UK transphobic hate crime has tripled in the last five years'. So, I couldn't find the source for this one, but you know what I did find?

The law recognises five types of hate crime on the basis of: Race Religion  Disability Sexual orientation  Transgender identity

HOLY

SHIT

BATMAN

MISOGYNY ISN'T EVEN CONSIDERED A HATE CRIME IN MY COUNTRY???????? Transgender people have only been in the public eye for less than a decade whereas FIFTY PERCENT OF THE POPULATION, A POPULATION KNOWN TO BE VIEWED AS PROPERTY SINCE THE BEGINNING OF RECORDED HUMAN HISTORY, DON'T HAVE A RECORD OF HATE CRIMES AGAINST US IN THIS COUNTRY?

ARE

YOU

FUCKING KIDDING ME????

OK, WE NEED TO STOP RIGHT HERE, I'M DONE BEING COY.

Is there anything we can do about this? Is there anyone in the UK who knows anything about the law who can help get misogyny recognised as a hate crime?

[daily-vessels]

Heya, do you think vessels only go by they/it?

I mean, do you think they can change pronouns? Would any of them be willing to change? Or are all of them like "no gender no problems"?

this ask was sent awhile ago,,, and for the record i (aka the mod) am unlabeled/fluid/some sort of. non gender identity.

i know this is talking about lore-wise or the vessels personally, but i think it really depends more on author’s intent.

i feel like this came of out a certain discussion/debate around having gendered pronouns for the vessels.

my opinion is that the main vessels (aka hollow and the knight) should, at the very least, have it/its or they/them pronouns.

they’re the main characters of the game, and giving them gendered pronouns feels like erasure (and goes against the lore of the game, with hornet literally being called “the gendered child”)

for the vessels here, the main point of the blog is to give them each their own personalities and stories. make them an individual. some of the vessels are based on in-game ones, and some are just ones i made up on the spot.

but in short, yes!

for ocs and vessels with little to no in-game personality, i think that people should be free to headcanon any sort of pronouns, gender, sexual orientation, etc.

but it comes to a point of WHY you are headcanoning it.

does it relate to the vessel’s headcanoned personality? does it relate to you? or is it just flat out removal of someone with it/its or they/them pronouns? again, it’s fine to headcanon! but it all comes down to WHY.

one last thing, i like showing under-appreciated identities in my stories. fluid identities or a lack of identities are very close to me, and i’d like to represent that!

so maybe one or two of my headcanoned vessels may have gendered pronouns, i’d rather have a majority non-gendered cast for… my own sake, i guess.

tldr: yes, vessels can have gendered pronouns, but it really depends on if the author’s intentions are well-meaning.

sorry this is so long! i have a lot of thoughts

[singlesablog]

The Club

“Good Times” (1979) Chic Atlantic Records (Written by Bernard Edwards and Nile Rodgers) Highest U.S. Billboard Chart Position – No. 1

“The key of the success of Studio 54 is that it's a dictatorship at the door and a democracy on the dance floor.”  - Andy Warhol

On April 26th, 1977, more than 4000 people showed up on 54th street between 7th and 8th Avenues in NYC to attend the opening of a newly revamped theater turned discotheque (once an opera house in the 1920s) for the grand opening of Studio 54.  Eight thousand invites had been sent from many of the bests lists in the city; the line snaked around the block that night with people clamoring to get in.  Many celebrities, officially invited, were unable to get through the soon-to-be famous doors.  Disco, a popular fusion of soul and dance music, was on the ascendant: hedonistic, generic, joyful, color-blind, and sexually promiscuous (many of the song themes would be about copulation).  It was in that year that two newly successful bandmembers from Chic named Bernard Edwards and Nile Rodgers were invited by Grace Jones and unceremoniously turned away at the door.  Jones was famously unreliable; there is no telling where she was, but when they didn’t get in they went home and wrote an angry song called “Fuck You”, then changed it to “Freak Out”, then to “Le Freak”, which then went on to become one of the biggest disco songs ever written, and afterward they went to Studio 54 as often as they liked, because there is no golden ticket in the world like fame.

I am sure I don’t have to tell you what Studio 54 was: it was one of the most glamourous, glitziest, expensive spaces in New York.  It was a party where everyone, anyone, had a good chance to get in.  It held 2,500 and often had more; it had back rooms, was famous for the famous, and sex, and drugs.  It had an incredible light show and sound system, and the best DJs.  But most of all it was entirely and profoundly mixed: rich, working class, old, young, black, white, gay, straight, gender fluid, normcore.  The two owners, Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager, had two rules: they wanted it full, and they wanted a mix, always a mix.  Only the uber famous (Halston, Warhol, Jagger, Minnelli, Jackson) were guaranteed entrée; otherwise, it was the mix that mattered.  The mix, the show (copious amounts of money on props and effects), and the music.

“A rumor has it that it's getting late Time marches on, just can't wait…”              - Lyrics from “Good Times”

The club was the answer to a very gritty and tumultuous decade for the US and New York City in particular; it may be no accident that the theater once housed the old CBS studios known as Studio 52. In the 1950s and 1960s they filmed witty game shows here, which showcased intelligent repartee (To Tell The Truth, What’s My Line, Password, The 64,000 Question), shows that were representative of an urbane and prosperous city, and of high American culture.  Rubell and Schrager kept a lot of the old leftover camera equipment from that era (whether as props or as a through-line it is hard to ascertain); in reopening its doors they presented a very new idea of glamor in New York, an antidote to the recent near-bankruptcy, inflation, gas shortages, and in 1978, a full-blown newspaper strike.  Public housing in The Bronx was a disgrace (literally on fire in 1977 and broadcast live at a Yankees game by Howard Cosell), and fear and paranoia were rampant as Son of Sam ran around viciously killing young women.  Out of all this chaos, Studio 54 and disco.  Clearly people needed fantasy, and release, and from this scene arose Bernard Edwards (bass) and Nile Rodgers (guitar) of Chic, two highly accomplished black musicians.

The idea of the band was one of sophistication; the three male leads (which included drummer Tony Thompson) were accompanied by two female singers, and everyone dressed beautifully, almost in a retro vision of glamor; the songs were straight-to-the-dancefloor extended disco tracks, or lush ballads with strings.  The songwriting was of exceptional high quality, and the playing incredibly expert (their first hits in 1977 were “Dance, Dance, Dance (Yowsah, Yowsah, Yowsah)” and “Everybody Dance”), and no one, no one, sounded even remotely like them: the guitar and bass lines were ingenious and infectious.  In fact, if you want to time travel and exactly conjure the feeling of the late 70s, a Greatest Hits collection will take you right there.  After “Le Freak” peaked in 1978 (it would be Atlantic’s, and parent company Warner Brothers, biggest seller of all time until Madonna’s “Vogue” in 1990) it seemed as if Chic, disco, and the nightlife of the Studio 54 crowd would go on forever.  Except.  Except.  Was there something about the sound of Chic, a warped, dragging, rather sad tone, to their hits?  The more they succeeded, the sadder around the edges the records became.

I never loved “Le Freak”, as good as it was. In 1979, I must have liked “Good Times”, because I bought it; it was the gray Atlantic label and a plain white sleeve, I remember quite clearly.  I think I bought it because of the round piano swirl that opens the record— I was obsessed with how the song was constructed; it was perfect.  But I also believe I wanted to understand how it worked, to get to the center of it, so I would drop it into the player and stare at it going around and around for clues that never came.  Something about it made me sad.  It would be decades before I went back to Chic and discovered the joy in that sadness; this was mature music for sophisticated people, and it captured those years so well, and with such elegance, and if it was sad, it was because there are always sad things seeping in, and possibly because their heyday, and all that high style, would be relatively short-lived considering the perfection of the records they were creating.

The Disco Sucks movement started on July 12th, 1979, in Chicago, Illinois. A radio shock jock held a record-burning stunt at a baseball game in Comisky park and 50,000 people showed up, and after the dj blew up piles of disco records, they swarmed the field and started a riot.  Record companies began to re-label their sleeves as Dance Records, not Disco, and the white-wash officially began.  The record burning has been likened to a Neo-Nazi event, largely inspired by disgruntled white rock fans, and inherently racially motivated, and I would say I fully believe that.  It not without irony that the rather sad quality pushing against the melody of “Good Times” was realistic.  It was to be their last No. 1 record under their band name, even if they would go on to produce 1980’s Diana (Diana Ross, but a full-blown Chic record, soup-to-nuts) which would sell 10 million copies, and both Edwards and Rogers would go on to have enormous careers as producers, especially Rodgers, with Bowie’s Let’s Dance right around the corner, not to mention Madonna’s Like a Virgin, produced by Rodgers (and on which all three Chic musicians play) as well as so many more.  Nevertheless, I am ahead of myself.  It is still 1979, and Studio 54 is still thriving.

“Now what you hear is not a test: I’m rappin to the beat.”             - Lyrics from "Rapper's Delight” *

“Good Times” topped the Billboard Pop charts in August, 1979 (B Side: “A Warm Summer Night”).  In September of the same year Nile Rodgers was in a club when he heard a song that clearly used the basic elements of their record: the bass, the guitar, a bit of the strings.  It was “Rapper’s Delight”, a novelty record produced by a very savvy Sylvia Robinson to exploit the street scenes of break dancing and rapping in The Bronx, which were usually only performed live with a boombox.  Certain songs could easy be rapped over, and “Good Times” was one of them.  However, real rappers never considered recording.  Enter Robinson, some fast thinking, and four quickly auditioned amateurs to make “Rapper’s Delight” as the Sugarhill Gang, and not only did she have it out in a flash, but on her own label, Sugarhill Records (Sugar Hill is a prosperous neighborhood in Harlem).  

That night in the club, Nile Rodgers was not pleased.  He and Edwards threatened to sue her immediately, and the matter was resolved quickly by Robinson giving them their writing credits, and thereby their money, and re-releasing it.  What he could not have foreseen was that this novelty hit (it only went to No. 38 on the charts) would actually change music forever.  It is the first successful mainstream rap record (we had the 12”, the first I ever had, in our house, and my brothers and sisters all learned the lines and became living room emcees), and it went on to establish Hip-hop as a genre. It would also lead to many copycats, and many interpolations of Rodger’s guitar and Edward’s tireless bassline, notably in Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” and Blondie's “Rapture”.   

Looking back on it, Niles feels very differently about one of the most famous examples of record sampling.  "As innovative and important as ‘Good Times’ was,” Nile Rodgers has said, “ ‘Rapper's Delight’ was just as much, if not more so.”  He is absolutely correct, of course.  The success of the Sugarhill Gang led Sylvia Robinson, tireless entrepreneur, to convince a real rapper, Grandmaster Flash, to write and record a track about life as he saw it from the much grittier streets of The Bronx, and he released it as “The Message”, which was a pivotal first.  Rap musicians reference this song endlessly as an inspiration, and I love it just as much for its contribution to electronic music.

Back in 1979 my 14-year-old-self stood for so long staring at my copy of “Good Times” as it revolved on the turntable. Was there a reason it felt warped and catatonic as I listened to it?  I will never know. I wasn’t old enough to understand what the single portended, which was the future of pop music, years and years early.  Things were beginning, and things were ending, right there, all at once, and right in front of my very eyes. It was easy enough to listen, but very difficult to fully comprehend. I needed another 40 years.

-

Sylvia Robinson, a veteran of the biz, not only produced Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five’s “The Message” but also sang on Mickey and Sylvia’s chestnut “Love is Strange” (1956) —think Dirty Dancing—as well as her own proto-disco song “Pillow Talk” (1973), predating the moans on Donna Summer’s “Love to Love You Baby” by years, and if you don’t know it (I needed some reminding) it has to be heard to be believed.  Let’s just say it is at minimum one of the most suggestive Top 40 songs ever recorded.  This was obviously a woman with the ears and ambition for a making a hit record.  She is now known as “The Mother of Hip Hop”.  She passed away in 2011.

Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager went to prison for millions of dollars in tax evasion in January 1980, but not before throwing a big party at 54. They served reduced sentences and eventually opened the nightclub Palladium. Rubell sadly passed away from AIDS in 1989. He was 45 years old.

*(Songwriters: Richey Edwards / Sherill Rodgers)

[houndofchivalry]

pinnable post for this blog:

hi, I'm Cinnamon, they/them, genderqueer & nonbinary & butch. I'm 32 years old and a practicing witch for almost ten years now. my main is @thepaladog

I'm clergy & priestex for my temple, which in my tradition means I'm sort of a spiritual counselor for people exploring a pagan path. I'm also a big bad wolf, which is to say, otherkin to red wolves specifically; I'll often call myself a 'werewolf' due to this, and posts connected to this are tagged #the wolf. I'm also fond of knights and the concept of (non-gendered) chivalry, hence the blog title. you may see me tag things in that vein as #the knight; these are ideals that I am strongly aligned with, things that I'm trying my best to be!

I could sit on a porch and talk for days about religion and spirituality but for the sake of a bio: I believe spirituality is fluid and highly personal, with overarching higher concepts that have connected us in an animistic way for as long as humanity's records go back. closed practices are closed practices and should be respected every time. indigenous people's voices should be heard and valued at every (neo-)pagan table. we do ourselves good by living closer to the natural world around us, by being aware of our status as good neighbors to everyone we can be.

my genealogy is mostly Germanic peoples, though my family has lived in the foothills of the Appalachias for about four-hundred years, so "Appalachian" is what I consider myself to be in a regional cultural sense. as is common in that folkloric practice, I have found the most comfort in following nature (in its many aspects) as divine and most of my ritual practice is aligned with what you might call 'granny craft'.

on this blog, you will see my tags for these concepts that I hold holy to my own devotion and practice. these are sort of abstract and ever-expanding. some of them are like divinity to me, while others are more like friends and mentors. these may change but right now they are:

#the bear - life well-lived, wild nature, the nurturer & the protector, leadership, responsibility, neutral forces of balance, the importance of eating berries barefoot by the river with people you love, harshness & tenderness both being a part of being alive

#the black dog - death & grief, growth through loss, liminal spaces, the art of witchery, the silence of a 3am parking lot and the sound of a 3am forest, every crossroad both literal and metaphorical

#the rabbit - the rabbit; patience, awareness, action, caution, daring.

#the foxes - the red fox; sunlight, daytime, warmth, laughter, play, growth. the gray fox; moonlight, nighttime, cold, reality, mischief, decay.

#the frog - the element of water; emotions, memory, reflection.

#the salamander - the element of fire; passion, control, desire.

#the oak - the element of earth; balance, stability, homeland.

#the dragonfly - the element of air; creativity, expression, whimsy.

welcome, feel free to ask me questions, I don't post my own content very often but who knows, maybe one day I'll change that!

[gundam-bailey]

Wrote a short story about my oc, Clay.

Meet Clay

On a sunny, cloudless afternoon, a mobile home flew down a fairly empty highway. The driver was a man with short-medium brown hair and striking pink eyes, though one eye was covered by his hair. Beside him in the passenger seat was a little frog wearing a skateboard helmet, custom made for a frog. “Hello, the name’s Clay.” He spoke into a video camera, recording him at this very moment. “I’m filming myself, mainly because I’m bored and while Hoppy hear is a great conversationalist, he’s a little quiet right now.” He said, in a tone where one wasn’t sure if he was joking or not. “Anyway, may as well talk about myself. Where to start…well, I guess the most important thing to cover, is my unique….condition. I’m a shape-shifter. Have been since birth. Mom told me her great grandparent was also a shape-shifter. Guess it skipped a couple generations. I never knew them, but Mom said they were nice when they were alive. I say they cause…they were like me in another way. Gender fluid. I’m gender fluid, sometimes I feel like a guy, other times a gal. It’s not something I pick and choose, sometimes I just wake up and feel off, then I change how I look and everything feels fine again. It can be days, months, even years till I feel that way. Oh, speaking of my parents. Wonderful people, seriously, I wouldn’t be who I am without them. Most people would be put off with raising a shape shifter, but they didn’t care one bit. I was Clay, pure and simple. Though, they did shelter me a bit. Which I totally get, I mean, there’s a bunch of assholes in the world that don’t take kindly to people like me. But, being sheltered had made me curious about the world. Which is why I’m on a trip around the world, I wanna see everything I can see. You might be wondering how I can afford this, well. I’m a fashion designer. I know, you look at a guy wearing a blue hoodie and black jeans and the last thing you think is fashionista. But hey, I just wear these cause it comfy. I love fashion and I guess people think I have a nack for it. Many brands have hired me, so I have a decent amount of money. That’s another reason I’m on this trip actually. Inspiration. Tons of people live in this world, I’m bound to be hit by inspiration.” Clay took a long breath, about finished with his ramblings. “Who knows? I must just find someone to travel with, in this crazy world of ours.” He finished speaking, turning off the camera and flicking his spongebob bobblehead, enjoying this sunny day.

[x-honeycomb-x]

I cried in the shower (manic rant)

I have done nothing but masturbating today. I also made some cereal.

I fantasized about a mommy, and looked up some lesbian porn. I really like smart and emotionally responsive but reserved mommies.

As I finished, I needed hugs from her. I grabbed my fluffy comforter and pillow to feel hugged. I thought about her (for the context I watched India Summer), and I let myself feel needy towards a mommy.

I thought about detransitioning into a girl, and thought "I wanna grow up pretty and smart like you." And in my head she replied, "No silly, I will grow up to be me, and you will grow up to be you."

That thought stuck with me for a long time.

I don't know who I am, I am rejecting a lot of parts of who I am (gender aside). I have C-PTSD and have an unstable sense of self even. You reap just what you sow, who am I? Who will I grow up to be if I would just let myself?

I need to be who I am. I am not taught how to be a functionable person? I don't even have a regular eating routine after school. These are all parts of me. I imagine the mommy and I repeat back and forth. "I can't be who you are, I am my own person."

And then I felt like it's her time to get going. I think about having a home, having a personhood to return to. "I'm gonna get going now." I often hear people say. Where to? Home? Back to their life? I don't have a sense of self, I only hang out with people until I am exhausted, so when people wants to leave I think they're tired of me.

I said goodbye. I imagine her having a regular day after us. I imagine her juices still wet on my pussy.

I look at my room. I am not what I want to achieve but haven't. I am not a bassist-to-be cause I'm not there yet. I am a musically inclined person who's is planning to play bass in the coming week. I need to eat. Hunger is part of me.

I need to shower. I need to feel clean, wanting to shower is part of who I am.

I started playing Dazey and the Scouts on Spotify, got my clothes and stepped in the shower.

The clothes I choose this afternoon is who I am.

I keep thinking about being me in the shower. I thought about that reply in my head, "Silly, I will grow up to be me, you will grow up to be you." Who will I be? I am genuinely scared. I remember fragments of being bullied in kindergarten, being abused at home, I imagine myself being under a hydraulic press, becoming what the press is besides at the seams; I am only myself when I can't contain it in me anymore. That would mean outbursts. And abstract daydreams.

I am scared. I am gender-fluid, and yesterday after getting a ounce of masc euphoria (my first in a long time now), I realized I really don't feel trans masculine right now. I feel feminine. What if this goes on for years, and I really feel like going off testosterone for a while because I feel feminine for like 3 years?

I feel a repressed self inside of me. But I don't know them enough. And I am really tired of not knowing myself.

I need to use my sensitive wash. The package has a nice lavendar color. I thought about how dysphoric I felt when I watched straight PIV porn today, and how safe I felt when watching lesbian mommy porn. I thought about how I would like a mommy to touch this, scissor on this.

Dazey and the Scouts started screaming in their song.

This womb is sapphic. I never. Looked at my stomach and thought about this. I know I like girls (and AFAB people). The idea of sapphic exists in my head. (The name is based on the first historically recorded female writer actually.) I know I have a womb, briefly. I've done so much things to this womb that I don't even wanna think about.

All I think about this womb is PIV, otherwise I shut it out. Textbooks, Tumblr, my family, 9gag, I've spent my whole life listening to how people wanna get a penis in this and how I should keep them in or out. I look at my stomach, this womb is sapphic. It wants to be scissored on, it wants to be kissed by girls, I never associated the imagery with this idea. Dazey and the Scouts started screaming in their song and I cried.

I've spent my whole life hating girls. I am autistic and couldn't relate to any of them at school. I thought all girls were bullies, or they're so etheral they're untouchable. It was only recently I actively try to think of myself as a woman, and as I walk past other women on the street, I try to think of myself as one of them. It's a strange thought and it still tingles my mind with some resistance. They're just people, they are all sorts of people, and I am one of them. (For the context I am gender-fluid, so I am also a woman.)

Girls can start rock bands, girls can scream their heart out in songs. Girls write and some of it gets in the canon. Girls wear makeup and girls shower. I just started doing makeup today and I wonder if the crying would melt my makeup. (It didn't.)

So that's it. I found out my womb is sapphic(+) and it doesn't want cis men. It doesn't want to be bred, it's tired of discussions around unwanted PIV sexual attention. But god, I've let so many in so many times. I didn't get a IUD so I can have unprotected sex, but my mental illnesses got the better of me. I don't want PIV attention and this device closes the door. I feel dirty for the men and woman that have cummed semen on this metal. My womb wants peace.

I thought of the bullying and the abuse. I am tired of being scared of myself. I wanna turn that negative thought into a positive mantra - I am not afraid to be myself. I thought about it and breathed it in and out. (I meditate and am in somatic therapy.)

I walk out of the shower, got dressed and started writing this. I will still struggle to find my personhood, but I am trying. I don't want to be afraid of being myself anymore. (I am so mentally ill.) I am amazed by all the things that girls can do. I am sapphic and turns out my womb is too. Some lesbians can be mean and scary, but I have every damn right to identify as part of the community. I am also very scared of my gender swings. When will it swing again, how long will it stay, and what do I do about the hormones situation - I wanna go off T at the moment so bad, but I also already miss T although I haven't gone off it.

So that's [edit: birth name] and her little gender adventures, and she cried in the shower. Now she's gonna go get some food and maybe go to a party after this. Or just stay in and read. I really have had enough masturbation today.