#for the last one it's sad to see when long correspondences ended when i got letters back saying they died/transferred to more intensive care

[mukuharakazui]

my hoarder trait is that i’ve kept every birthday card and red packet i’ve ever gotten + every letter i got back from nursing home residents when i was younger

[lexirosewrites]

This is for Slick Sunday!!!

So. I was watching this voice over of some random Tumblr post about how Vampires are to carpenters what furries are for artists(allegedly), bc they can make the ideal coffin for each individual and things like that, and like??? I got inspired. So this is what I have:

Totally established ABO situation, where Steve is an unusual Omega, simply for the fact that after his family disowned him he became a carpenter and if being a jock had given him some muscles, being a carpenter made him ripped.

But no one wants an Omega like that, no matter how sweet he is whether in scent or personality, it also doesn't help that Steve has a shit taste in Alphas.

Anyways, enter Eddie, a Vampire (whether he has a designation and/or what it is up in the air (although I prefer him as an Alpha)) who's looking for a new coffin for his Uncle Wayne, an incredibly old vampire (probably a beta) who met him when he was young and adopted Eddie before turning him at the age of 25 (Eddie was dying, and there wasn't a cure for him yet, but that was Wayne's kid, he couldn't let him die so young), because his Uncle's coffin is like, old, Eddie asked and the thing is a certified antique, it's at least a 100 years old and almost falling apart no matter how much care Wayne puts into it.

So Eddie finds out about this carpenter, the guy has never worked for vampires before, but Robin (a local witch and another Omega) recommended him so strongly Eddie agreed to check him out.

Eddie gets immediately infatuated with Steve, the guy is handsome, with a sweet personality, and a body Eddie just wants to sink his teeth into...

So they get talking about the request, and it ends up being a long collaboration, since Eddie didn't actually go prepared for the appointment, so he keeps visiting Steve to make adjustments to the coffin's design and stuff like that.

And if he also uses that time to get to know Steve better and maybe flirt a little? It's nobody's business.

(and maybe Steve also answers sometimes, with

So anyways, Steve finishes the task and is sad he won't see Eddie again, won't get to bask into his amazingly comforting scent again, thinking that the guy probably will leave him behind like so many other commissioners before him who came by, sweet talked him, that even got him into bed one time, and then left once their product was finished, only to never return.

So When Eddie comes to pick up the finished coffin he finds an incredibly sad Omega , and of course he immediately asks what's wrong, does Steve feel bad, should he call Robin? But Steve is so overwhelmed by this simple show of care that he confesses on the spot.

And Eddie is obviously overjoyed by this, corresponding to Steve in that exact moment, zero doubts in his mind that he'll be with Steve for as long as Steve wants him.

Plus: Steve finds out a week into dating that Eddie is a vampire and is very offended that his boyfriend (soon to be mate) tried to hide something so important from him, meanwhile Eddie is like "Babe. Baby. Sweetheart. I literally asked for a bed coffin, I told you my uncle was more than a hundred years old, I once got into your workshop fully bloodstained, fangs out, because I was running late and my last feeding was rough"

"I thought that was paint from those minis you told me you were working on!"

And then they recreate the twilight meme for the funsies.

(and maybe a long time from now they'll be mates, and Steve will turn into a vampire after being Eddie's part-time bloodbag for years, and they'll have a coven full of kids, some theirs, some adopted, but all of them wholly loved and cherished)

And that's all I have in me rn, I really hope you enjoy Lexi, happy day!

(also, fun fact, halfway through writing this I got so distracted by the romance that I forgot about the ABO part of things, and then I tried to revise it, but I'm not sure I did a good job, this could probably be way more abo than it is, lmaoo)

hehe monsterfucker steve is very dear to me, especially when he’s an omega and willing to submit to an alpha as their prey in more way than one💕

[artytaeh]

Draco would definitely love something that you put so much thought into into. He wouldn't care if it costs all of you mr money or nothing, as long as you put the effort and thought into it he'll love it.

yes. i feel like draco malfoy always got the best of everything— the best brooms. the best brand of clothes. the best toys. the best everything there was to have.

however, the so proclaimed best not always corresponds to draco's tastes— to what he likes.

i feel like during his childhood, and extending it to his teenage years, draco struggled with his sense of self. what made draco him, something behind the surname malfoy.

because malfoy loves wealthy, expensive, the best brands. draco, however, isn't sure of what type of clothes he'd like to use, rather what he should use as the malfoy family's heir.

here and there, without thinking about it, draco would share something he likes with you; something that means, me as person appreciate this specific stuff, rather than: 'yeah, these brooms? the newest and most expensive ones. mine.'

so i think that the first time you gift something to draco, he'll be a little— too quiet? draco stares at the gift, then looks at you; i imagine draco's birthdays as those parties that you leave your gifts on a corner all piled up together, that draco will open after the party ends and he's alone; gifts from his parents are necessary things for a heir like him, or something he only had to look once to send the message: i want that.

draco carefully opens the gift; it's something from you to him, rather rudely he'd wonder if you managed to meet his high standards—

until he recognizes that said gift was something you put a lot of effort in, or recognizing it as something that suits his favored things.

oh.

he genuinely gets sad at first. i feel like draco's arrogance or cocky demeanor would fade a little into a frown like this ☹️ when his brain starts working to understand how valuable of a gift this is for him.

draco malfoy will get stupidly mad if one of his dormmates or friends touch the gift you gave him. like take?? your?? filthy?? paws?? out of my partner's amazing gift??

would be so terribly mean to anyone who dares to make a teasing comment about what you got him. let's say, a scarf:

mattheo: since when do you wear cutesy crocheted stuff, malfoy?

draco: ...

draco: [with a smile] since when do you recognize gifts given by loved ones? right. because not even your own mother likes you—

or that one time you've got him an early christmas gift, since before the break starts, the slytherins exchange presents in the common room (that last night before leaving hogwarts).

and you see, draco gives you that sincere smile, hand on the back of your head so you step closer to him and he gives you an affectionate kiss on your forehead, thanking you for the thoughtfulness you put into the gift given to him, until—

blaise: ohhh is malfoy getting softer?

draco: is zabini getting his teeth punched out of his mouth?

so going back to what you said: yes, totally. ☹️ i doubt that i'll ever write much about draco malfoy BUT THIS melted my heart.

[thepersonperson]

Seeing your latest post. Do you think there is a connection with JJK 0 ending theme? It's title is "Sakayume". It's by King Gnu too.

Believe it or not, someone else in 2022 was intrigued by the JJK 0 ending theme being called Sakayume. Quoting this poster directly:

"逆夢 sakayume Is a dream that contradicts reality. It’s unrealistic meaning that it can’t or won’t happen in real life."

This song is then compared to the anime's ED 2, Cö shu Nie's give it back.

"I feel this song is about 逆夢 sakayume in a sense. The song speaks about “giving back the dream” It’s called “Give it back” and it’s like “give me back the dream” “what happened to rest of the dream and why did I have to wake to reality”  basically it’s longing. It’s longing to go back to the dream and not a reality that contradicts that dream. So when I hear this ED I also think of the movie’s theme song for them which is Sakayume!"

Keep this in the back your mind. It only gets worse from here.

Yuji and Megumi's Character Songs

Recently, I got this in my replies from @mizzi14-blog.

(Here's a link to all the character songs with corresponding videos for listening.)

A translation for Megumi's character song Uchujin's Hakujitsumu (Daydream). From the last stanza:

This is not a song to just forget about the painful past This is a song that confronts the sadness The moon in the night sky waxes and wanes There are no stars in sight. But even in the darkness, tomorrow shines brightly And this is a song I share with you.

In summary, this song is about someone trying to confront their trauma but getting swept up in a daydream with their beloved.

A translation for Yuji's character song Kuchiroro's Itsuka dokoka de (Sometime, Somewhere). From the last stanza:

Nobody knows… Ah. The heart of my real self is so cowardly. I try to scream until I lose my voice. I don’t need anything… I bear a fate I still cannot accept. If I can share my feelings somewhere then I might speak about how my dream continues…

In summary, this song is about someone who feels lonely and isolated dreaming of their ideal world through the pain.

Y'all this diabolical. What the hell.

But wait there's more!

Sukuna mocked Yuji and Megumi's doomed love when he made the Enchain Binding Vow with Yuji using some ridiculous wordplay way back in JJK 11.

Enchain doubles as Megumi Activities. But let's break that down some more. (Unfortunately the Twitter account of the person I referenced may or may not be nuked so here's this screenshot I've doctored.)

So we have the translation of Enchain from 契闊 (Keikatsu), which might be better localized as Separation.

This term comes from a Chinese poem about lovers who are husband and wife in The Book of Odes, Section I (Lessons from the States), Chapter 3 (The Odes of Bei), Poem 31 (Banging the Drum). (Here's a link to the full poem and context of it.)

In summary, it’s about a soldier who is on the brink of death, having lost nearly everything after being abandoned by those in power, lamenting the happiest days of his life with his love are ones he can never get back. (Hey that sounds just like what Sukuna did to Yuji!)

Keikatsu specifically comes from this passage:

“Our vow is beyond death and life”, I and you are together I always remembered. I will hold your hand, And together we grow old.

Too pitiful we are faraway apart, The distance separates us to meet again! Too miserable this takes forever, And it does not let us fulfill our vow!

Keikatsu is used to exemplify how the physical distance between the husband and wife prevents them from fulfilling their wedding vows. And that's just what Keikatsu/Enchain does to Yuji and Megumi, it causes painful separation neither of them wanted.

In Conclusion?

GEGE GREGORY AKUTAMI IS THIS JUST DOOMED YAOI ALL THE WAY DOWN?????? GEGE!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!

[sulumuns-dootah]

10.12. Foras - Wrapping gifts

    ༺☆༻

⟡ Masterlist ⟡ 

₊˚⊹.* The Yule festival of Hell *.⊹˚₊

    ༺☆༻

“Why are you wrapping everyone's gift except for mine, dearest?” Foras pouts when you lay all the various packages around you on the floor. The absence of gift for him makes it see like you chose to specifically exclude him for some reason.

“If you saw what I've gotten for you, it wouldn't be a surprise anymore.” you sort the boxes for other demons by their country so you can use a wrapping paper of corresponding color and theme.

“May I ask what you got for others then, at least?” he tries to busy himself with wrapping his portion of gifts he bought for the kings and his fellow nobles.

“Well, I got a black tank top for Satan, some chocolate for Ppyong,...” you start looking at each box and remembering their contents. Hopefully they'll like them. You've never had this long list of people to gift and coming up with something unique for each demon was getting harder and harder.

“What did you get for His Majesty Leviathan?” Foras interrupts you from you recalling. His eyes are soft but piercing. This isn't about helping you determine if the receiver will be happy with their gift.

“Foras, I know what you're trying to do. I will not tell you what I got for Leviathan. You'll have to find out when he opens it.” you sigh and shift your focus on cutting the wrapping paper. The last thing you want Foras to do is try to compare his unknown gift to Levi's.

In actuality you have two gifts for him. One, smaller than Levi's so the king doesn't feel inferior to his servant, and the second one, bigger and which Foras will receive out of the king's sight and in the comfort of your own home, in case someone decided to see what the two of you are up to.

A low displeased grumble come from Foras as he looks back down on his work and shakes his head a little. His demeanor seems to change into one like you've broken his heart. This kinda makes you question if all the secret keeping is worth seeing the poor envious demon this sad.

The last thing you want him is to feel like he's not your favorite and so you decide to crawl on all fours towards him between all the mess sprawled on the floor into his lap. Cradling his face in your hands you kiss every feature on his perfect face, ending on his lips.

“Maybe I have something very special planned and Leviathan's gift can't even come to compare with it. Wait just a few more days and you'll find out. It's gonna be worth it, I promise.” you whisper to him after pulling his head close to your chest like a baby.

Foras' hands come to hug your back and his head buries more into your chest like he wants to crawl inside and never leave the warmth and safety of your body. The action restricts your breathing a little bit, but you don't mind – you're in the country of king with a thing for choking afterall.

You kiss the top of the now happier demon's head and rest your chin on the same spot. Neither of you move for a few minutes until a shiver of cold runs through you. Looking over to the fireplace you notice, that the fire is nearly out.

Foras gets up and sets you down into his previous spot to go and feed it more wood. On his way back he grabs a blanket which then gets draped over the shoulders of the two of you when he's back on the floor next to you. Once comfortable you expect him to day something, but instead he pulls you in for a kiss neither of you wants to break for as long as possible.

    ༺☆༻

But wait, this demon also has a gift for you!

"In our country is a custom to give a noose as a gift, but I think a necklace would suit your neck much better."

[mercurygray]

Random fic ask: a plot point in any of your fics that you ended up scrapping or recycling into a new idea

I have...a lot of outtakes from The Darkening Sky. (It was four years, guys, there was a lot of time for outtakes.)

In one of the earlier scenes I wrote (August of 2020), I was going to have Lee Miller cover the Girl Gang when they ended at the Eagle's Nest, and I was going to have Joan do a version of Lee's famous picture in Hitler's bathroom. Joan was then going to ask the photographer to share proof photos of the shoot (in which she is artfully naked) with Dick.

I'm not sure what I was going for with that idea. Both of these characters are famously tight-lipped about their emotions, and to be honest, I don't think it would have worked to get him to make a move or talk more. I think I imagined that Joan felt she needed to give Dick some kind of very tangible sign that she trusted him implicitly.

By the time I got to Germany, Dick and Joan's relationship didn't need that moment - they'd had a lot more moments a lot earlier in the story where Dick got a chance to reflect on how much he admired her and show that he trusted her and she trusted him. I'd also learned a little bit more about Lee Miller and didn't think I'd be writing her very accurately to be doing a puff piece on Joan at the end of the war. (There was also a lot of missing infrastructure around developing and printing the photos that I didn't feel like I could handwave through.) So the scene was cut, the photos never appeared, and Lee Miller's part was given to @shoshiwrites' war correspondent OC Jo Brandt, who'd already made an appearance in an earlier part of the piece and could be relied upon to have a sympathetic view of lady lieutenants in the paratroopers. Some of the original article copy was recycled into the final draft, but much of it went in the wastebin.

--

I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair: Lt Joan Warren, 101st Airborne, was one of the first Americans to see Hitler's famous Eagle's Nest. Satisfied with the view, Warren did what any sensible soldier would after a hard three years' work - she took a bath. The lieutenant's boots give the reader some idea of how well deserved this is.

Her boots were, indeed, right there at the side of the tub - tired, well-broken jump boots that looked, in the tiled elegance of the bathroom, very sad indeed, her equally battered uniform in a neat pile on the floor next to the boots.

It was a tasteful picture, not...sensational, or designed to titillate. Joan was simply sitting  in the tub, head resting against her knees, a woman finally allowed to rest after the long labors attested to by the boots.

Lt Warren is the rarest of a rare breed, a female officer in the parachute infantry, and she has earned her stripes, with jumps in Normandy and Holland, and has been wounded twice. The last three years have not been filled with luxuries, or comforts - the soap she used was a sliver in a small tin tray, as GI as can be, and the only pretty thing in her bunkroll is a silk scarf, patterned in leopard, which she says all her girls in the parachute regiment wear as a badge of honor, in nod to the Amazons they are. No man owns one, she says, though it is the view of this correspondent that, like the swapping of class pins, the possession of such a scarf will soon be a sought-after prize, much like the woman who gifts it.

More of Miller's photos followed, the Easy Company officers on the veranda, a box of booze in the middle of their meeting, more shots of the house, in all its splendor, looking out onto the peerless beauty of the alps. An almost candid shot showed Speirs and Nixon playing chess with the mountains behind them. Miller had captured them at their finest hour, conquerors in their castle, not a man among them sad. It seemed a strange sight, that they should all be smiling, after all they’d seen and done.

...

The photographs were several iterations on the same theme - Joan’s head in different directions and from several different angles, each trying to capture the elusive glimpse of a hero finally at rest. But the last - the last was - was Joan … before she’d gotten in the bath, stark naked, head tipped forward as she massaged some kink in her neck, knee slightly knocked to one side. There were the scars along her arm where she’d gotten pinked in Holland, and the ugly pucker along the side of her leg where that shell had practically laid her open, not quite the now-traditional Easy Company shot in the ass, but close. Three years on Army rations had left a woman who had never been given to overeating a lean, whipcord look, better-fed than some of the DPs they’d seen recently but not by much. And ...she was beautiful. His fingers brushed the line of her back, the curve of her buttocks, remembering what she’d said in Paris about being painted naked, remembering how unsettled the idea had made him. And here she was - not painted, but photographed, a thing to be admired, desired, wanted.

And, god in heaven, he wanted her. His body was becoming slowly electric with it -- before he remembered, chillingly, that he still had an audience - an audience, now that he looked up, that was contemplating him with a pleased smile, the look of a woman who knows she has  done something to disquiet the stoic man of war. 

“What she’s picked is fine,” he said, shoving the pictures furtively back into the envelope and handing them back to Miller - but the War Correspondent wouldn’t take them.

“I asked her first,” Miller said with a smile, in answer to his unspoken accusation. “She saw them all. She knew I was coming here to get your permission for the article copy, and she wanted you to see those, Major.” 

The thought of Joan sending these into his hands momentarily made him weak. She wanted you to see them, Dick. She wanted to be seen.  “A soldier has very little privacy, Correspondent Miller,” he said, forcefully. “Take them back. Please,” he added, as an afterthought. “No one under her command can -” no one under her command can see them, I shouldn’t have seen them, I cannot have these in my trunk or on my person. He was being reminded, violently, of inspections at Toccoa, and Sobel going through their footlockers, pornography, contraband, and the sly, slimy smile as, going through the women’s things, he’d held up a garter belt, nonregulation clothing, contraband. I’ll keep this, and the woman from whose trunk it had come paled under his eye.

“Suit yourself.” She took back the envelope and fastened the flap shut. “She really is a keeper, Major. If you don’t get that, someone else will.”

[elisedonut]

#2 and #21 for the fandom ask game, please!

Hello! thank you for asking!

OT3

ive already mentioned the big two on the last question so ill just talk about some other ones

I think it's fun to throw random characters into Flintley or Perciver as well as any combo of The Headboy and his Captains (so like any combo of Percy with the quidditch captains of his 7th year)

Like I have a random Perciver+Colin fic that's going to come out on one of these days for MicroficMay

When i first got into Percy I would think about Remus/Percy/Draco pretty often specifically in a soulmate au scenario though

Go onto your AO3. Which ship have you written for the most? The least? Does this correspond to who you consider your "favourite?"

Top Three (after excluding podfics

Marcus Flint/Percy Weasley (7)

Percy Weasley/Oliver Wood (4)

Stan Shunpike/Percy Weasley (4)

and alot of ties for last place

Fleur Delacour/Percy Weasley (1)

Lavender Brown/Fleur Delacour (1)

Lavender Brown/Luna Lovegood (1)

Ernie Macmillan/Percy Weasley (1)

Dudley Dursley/Percy Weasley (1)

Lavender Brown/Undisclosed (1)

Harry Potter/George Weasley (1)

Honestly overall I do think it's fairly accurate? just made me realise how many different things I write though like out of 58 atm the top spot only has seven??

Flinley being on top does make sense though I do love them

Perciver could be lower and probs will be in time but I do still love them as long as I'm not the one writing them dakhfsk

Other people do them a lot more justice then I do so I tend to put more energy towards ships that if i want to see I have to write myself other then in the weirdo scenarios they have a tendency to feel more like a chore to write for me i've noticed

I think because my brain focuses too much on the numbers and is like "If you write this well it might shoot to the top of your kudos list, it could be your Harry/George fic all over again and you know it so just don't do it it will just make you sad" so i just don't do it

So I have to be in a very very specific mood and head space to actually write them otherwise i go from :D to :c real quick

Stercy yeah that makes sense they were the first ship I ever wrote so they just keep coming back <3 and i do love them alot

anyway

on the other end

yeah checks out I have a lot of ships i've only explored once some I want to go back too and some I know by the end of the month won't be at only one and others still that i'm just yeah ok I think i've gotten that out of my system about

[fitgothgirl]

About 3 weeks ago, my therapist checked in with me after having seen me about 2 weeks prior to that. Our last appointment had been right after I got fired so she knew the situation and everything. When she checked in, I replied kind of unloading (I actually posted screenshots here of my text to her to basically journal it. I guess I coulda copy/pasted but wtv). She replied back an almost equally long text talking me through some things and was really supportive.

That's the last I heard from her though... At our last appointment, we were working out when she'd check in with me like that and at that time see if we should/could schedule our next appointment; I said definitely no less than 2 weeks (which was our old cadence when I was seeing her through insurance) since I wasn't doing so great, and I was sure I'd be wanting to make an appointment again regardless of texting. Then we did exchange those texts right around two weeks later, but then that was it.

I didn't reply or do any reaction to her last message though. But she knows how I am with texting and general correspondence, so I don't think she'd be any type of way about that. (I do want to reach out to her on my end too, just haven't been able to yet.) I'm sure it's just the fact that she's seeing me on the side and therefore I can fall off the radar more easily, but it just sucks. I'm sad.

It's not worth it to find a new therapist right now, I don't want to start over with someone new (among the other stressors that come with that). I love my therapist and just wish I could see her more regularly. I don't want to bad talk her; she's not a friend, she's a professional (hard to remember sometimes because she's so fun and chill) and she's taking a hit to see me on the side. Although since losing my job, I'm on Medicaid now so maybe she does actually accept that one.... (I also need to check with my psychiatrist's office because he said they might actually take it and I possibly could keep seeing him too.)

I actually wonder if she hasn't offered to schedule because she knows I lost my job and so money's tight? But I would think she would say something. I dunno. I do have to admit she's having me feel abandoned right now. Nothing I wouldn't be able to overcome/get past because she's always been so wonderful otherwise, but it still is what it is right now.

[bitofanattitudeproblemherondale]

‘Home is where the heart is’, was the first thought that came to her mind as Tessa woke up to a new day. The wait was finally over, Will was coming home tonight. The past three months had been hell. Will had to go to the States, her previous home as a representative of Enclave to procure and train shadowhunters there. She couldn’t accompany him because no one else would run the institute in his absence. Three months of communicating through correspondence that arrived days later had been infuriating but they both knew they had to do this, the fact that they got through it just made their bond only stronger. It is true that you get so used to having someone around that you end up taking them for granted, unintentionally.

She got out of bed to wash and change into a blue dress that matched the color of his eyes, her favorite shade of blue. Will had the sort of eyes one could get lost in. A blue so deep, she want to jump into them without a care in the world because she knew he would always catch her. Just then, the curtains rustled to give her a perfect view of the Thames from where she was standing, it wasn’t too cold for October, the sky was clear and the air was crisp. It was as if the city knew, its savior was coming back.

So lost in thought, Tessa couldn’t help but reflect on the last couple of months, between the institute duties and staying up late writing to Will, she had lost some pounds. There were dark circles under her gray eyes because of all the sleepless nights spent thinking about what he must be doing on the other side of the world. Worry etched into her veins, she cannot count the number of times she woke up in the middle of the night restless and calling out to him, thinking of what monster he was slaying. They had been through so much together but danger ran through every part of a shadowhunter’s life. They gamble with death every day, and most of the time, gambling is pure luck.

The striking of the clock to noon startles Tessa, his ship is just about to arrive, she rushes to grab her coat and calls for Stephen to drive her to the shipping docks in the institute carriage. No matter how much time she spends in London, the city never fails to fascinate her, New York might be the city that never sleeps but London is truly the city of wonder and magic. The institute doors open with a creak to let them into the street giving Tessa just enough time to read “Pulvus et umbra sumus” engraved on them. We are dust and Shadows. It had just become her habit to look at these words every time she entered or left the institute because they always took her back to the night when she had just first arrived at the institute and was wandering the dark halls because she couldn’t sleep knowing that Nate was in danger. These words from a blue-eyed boy with rued black hair that kept falling onto his forehead had comforted her and had unlocked feelings in her that she never knew she had the ability to feel.

They arrive at the docks at quarter past four, just as the captain docks the last ship of the day. The final bell rings and people start to line up to get o the ship. Tessa stands there waiting, shaken to her very bottom with nerves, eager to see him, thinking of all the things she wants to tell him. She stands on her tiptoe looking for messy black hair and a long coat, and just then she spots him, he is climbing down the stairs, looking as handsome as ever, in a blue knitted sweater and black coat, his blue eyes remind her of hope and the band on his finger that reads ‘the last dream of my soul’ is a promise of forever. He is walking towards her now with a smile on his face that could light up even the darkest corners of the city. In a flash, he is next to her and Tessa realizes there are tears pouring down her face without even her wanting to cry.

“Of all the emotions I thought of, sadness was definitely not the one I thought you would feel when you saw me after 3 months, Tess,” he says jokingly.

“There’s something called Tears of happiness, you would know if you read the right books.” Tessa retorts back.

There’s not even a hint of awkwardness between them after being apart for so long. They had always been like that, even the letters to each other over the months had been full of their usual banter.

“Well, I am just thinking about all the emotions I am going to make you feel tonight, my love.”

Will says and kisses her and the world fades away, it is a sort of kiss that is full of meaning, it is a sort of kiss that feels like damnation and the start of a new day all at once. When they pull apart, Tessa’s heart is finally at peace after three months.

Sometimes a little distance is a good thing because you know at the end of it, you are going to be home.

[anipwrites]

For the wrapped I’m thinking 1,2,7,35,87! And give me your thoughts on each because I love giving you homework lol.

Jokes on you I love talking about the music I like! Fair warning, this might get long

Song number 1 is 'everything is quiet now' by Elijah Who! I forget how I first heard this song, whether it was introduced by my friend Gilly or Dips or if it was just a Spotify Weekly. Apparently I heard it for the first time on February 24th so it's probably a Spotify Weekly song. It's a 2 minute 38 second cozy sounding song. It's got everything. Ukelele. Gentle drums. Snaps. Lil twinkly noises from like... a xylophone or some shit. Soft feedback from the microphone adding white noise. Absolutely no words, no humming, just straight up tunes. You can literally hear Elijah Who getting into position to play at the beginning of the song. It's great for when I'm feeling a lil melancholy. It's great for when I'm gardening. It's great for when I'm writing. It's great for just looking up at the night sky staring at the moon. It reminds me of my OC Alana, it feels like her vibe. The vibes are potent here.

Song number 2 is Space Ghost Coast to Coast by Glass Animals! This one was definitely from a Spotify Daily Mix. I like a good handful of Glass Animals songs, but I hadn't listened to much off the Dreamland album, and I basically got hooked on this song for a solid three week span. When I say I looped it endlessly for days? I looped it endlessly for days. I think it was during my capstone project, so I was looping anything that gave me serotonin until I wrung the juices out to keep me focused. It kinda goes hard imo. I also like the stripped version a lot. In this house we listen to swear words we aint cowards.

Song number 7 is Death of an Executioner by Pierce the Veil! I haven't listened to much Pierce the Veil because I'm a coward I don't know where to start, but my friend Miles showed me this song one time while I was in the car with him and I loved it!!! Saved it to listen to later and its still amazing!!! A great song to come on when I'm driving at night. I still haven't learned all the lyrics fully--I'm kinda close, I think, but I still mess up--but its amazing nevertheless!!

Song number 35 is Sunflower by Zach Farache! This is one I definitely heard from either Gilly or Dips that I saved for later and fell in love with! There's not really words (well there's a handful near the end but I can't really dechipher them because its kinda layered under the guitar and ukelele and all) so its mostly just vibes. I don't think it quite counts as lofi? But it's a nice sunny feeling song that's good for gardening and writing, and its 2 minutes 3 seconds, so I can definitely see how I would wind up looping it so much it got on the list. This is a curse I tend to bear--last year my top song was a 1 minute 13 second acoustic cover of a song that I didn't even feel like I listened to all that much, but apparently looping it while pulling an all nighter on a senior project was enough to displace anything else I listened to that year.

And song number 87! This one is Taikutsu by Hideki Taniuchi, from the Death Note OST! Melancholy and depression. Thank you for coming to my tedtalk. No but in all seriousness this is a good vibe to loop when I'm writing sad parts of Disillusions. If Ken is being depressed in the book there's a decent chance I was listening to this. Otherwise... yeah its in my melancholy for when I wanna wallow in feelings for a bit.

This was fun!

spotify wrapped is HERE! send me a number 1-100 and I’ll tell you the song it corresponds with on my top 100 playlist

[catncore]

❝  jus'  th'  nature  of  how  our  composer  runs  the  games.  at  least  players  get  a  fighting  chance,  unlike  some  folks  in  other  wards.    ❞  he  laughs  a  bit,  shrugging  his  shoulders  as  he  scanned  over  the  crowds  then  looking  up  at  the  buildings.  there  were  reapers  set  all  over,  watching  from  different  vantage  points;  not  just  from  the  street.  some  liked  to  perch  on  the  tops  of  buildings  or  hanging  out  on  sign  posts  to  be  a  bit  rebellious.  hanekoma  found  it  kinda  funny,  but  nothing  he'd  interfere  with.  so  long  as  there  wasn't  any  rule  breaking,  he  wouldn't  fuss  about  where  people  were.

he  look  a  moment  to  glance  at  his  wristwatch,  before  flipping  the  screen  to  it  to  read  something  else  that  corresponded  with  the  games;  privately.  they  would  be  starting  in  roughly  ten  minutes  so  it'd  be  showtime  before  long.

❝   yeah,  you  could  say  that....  seen  plenny'a  composers  come  an'  go.  worked  in  different  districts  prior  to  finally  landin'  here.    ❞  shibuya  was  notorious  for  it's  difficulty  and  intensity.  other  wards  in  tokyo's  games  tended  to  be  lighter  workload,  but  the  games  were  widely  different  than  what  shibuya's  composer  provided.  there  was  a  chance  for  reincarnation  with  these  players.  rehabilitation  and  reform  through  looking  at  ones  life  from  beyond  the  veil  was  something  to  be  cherished.  not  many  got  a  second  chance  in  such  an  explicit  form-  but  it  wasn't  freely  given.  it  had  to  be  worked  for.  thats  why  it  was  a  game.

❝    my  thoughts  on  things  don't  really  matter  in  th'  long  term.  i'm  jus'  doin'  my  job.....  but,  i  think  it's  a  pretty  good  system.  i  prefer  it  t'  my  last  composer's  gig.  he  was  a  brute  an'  far  too  punishin'.  when  the  current  composer  came  along  t'put  him  outta  his  misery,  it  made  the  UG  a  much  more  pleasant  place.  ❞   he  had  some  rather  choice  words  about  the  former  composer,  but  he  wouldn't  voice  them  aloud.  no,  that  was  far  behind  the  city  now  and  composer  kiryu  was  easily  the  most  effective  composer  theyve  had  to  date,  even  with  the  near  inversion.  he'd  learned.  the  city  was  better  for  it  in  the  end  even  if  the  situation  was  hazardous  at  the  time.

❝  it  jus'  makes  me  appreciate  life  more.  seein'  people  livin'  in  the  city  and  how  each  of  them  has  the  chance  to  become  something  great.  i  want  that  for  them.  sometimes,  th'  game  helps  them  get  there....  an'  other  times,  erasure  is  the  best  outcome.  it  balances  in  the  end,  sad  as  it  is.....  i  jus'  wish  some  folks  didn't  go  out  th'  way  they  did  in  the  real  ground.  some'a th' ways are jus'  traumatic an' no one deserves that.   ❞ and unfortunately, some people like him who belonged to a higher plane and aren't human, see the physical damage of a players death. true sight wasn't always pleasant for hanekoma, but he adjusted over time. there were times it did make him sick to see certain injuries. thankfully, the players were oblivious to it, and he'd found most reapers didn't see it either.

"A ceremony?" Kariya asks, definitely curious in the choice of words. "Never really thought of it like that... But, I guess you got a point."

He stretched, a slight yawn as he did. He hadn't slept as well as he could the night before, and so he was running on slightly less rest this week than he'd hoped for.

"It's entertaining though, you got that right. Everyone rushin' around, tryin' to figure out just what's going on, who they can team up with. How to fight back. Sucks that more people don't make it past the first day, but I know better than to say it's unfair. It's just the way things are," he shrugs. "Games gotta have winners, games gotta have losers. That's just the nature of any game."

He's watching the crowds, a strange sense of peace as the busy world goes on around him, unaware of the events about to take place, the Game that ran so regularly with barely anyone knowing of its existence.

It was like the calm before a storm, in a way.

"You've been doin' this for a while, yeah?" he asks, a grin. "Mind sharing your thoughts? I'm sure you've seen a lot of changes, all the different people that's been put in charge of runnin' the show over time. All the people that come and go, the Players and Reapers both. The changes in the city itself. What's someone like you think of all of this?" he asks, gesturing out to the city itself.

[lubdubsworld]

物の哀れ ( ‘the sadness of things’.)

Alpha Jungkook x Omega Oc!

Genre : Angst , Hurt/ Comfort.

    Chapter 1  ⋆  Chapter 2  ⋆  Chapter 3     Chapter 4  ⋆  Chapter 5   ⋆   

    Chapter 6   Chapter 7     Chapter 8

Summary : Nine months after her marriage ends, Kim Heejin is a reclusive artist, who works out of a renovated warehouse in Busan, her days and nights spent with canvas and paint. Its exactly what she’s ever wanted, to be left alone. And yet, that nagging feeling of incompletion keeps her on her toes. And perhaps, it is that longing for something substantial, something real that pushes her to give her flawed but lovable ex-husband another chance.

Chapter 9

 “I… No. Just… please tell him I’ll be down…I’ll come down to the lobby to meet him.” I said quickly, panicking at the idea of having him here. I’d barely been here a day but this was still my space. And if I had him here then his scent would just seep into every nook and corner. 

The room would smell like him then… And what would I do after he left?

God, what was I even thinking? Head swimming, I crawled to the edge of the bed and breathed shakily. 

It felt surreal, climbing out of the bed and moving to the vanity . I stared at myself in the mirror as I grabbed the makeup bag I kept with me all the time. Wide eyes and parted lips, creamy gold skin turning lily white because of how the blood had just drained after that phone call. 

I looked petrified .

Jungkook… I thought numbly. Jungkook’s waiting downstairs and I’m going to see him. 

What is he thinking.... What is he feeling... why is he even here? 

You’re not responsible for his emotions, Taehyung’s soothing voice in my head helped a bit but not a whole lot. What about my emotions, I though desperately, grabbing the tube of gloss and slowly uncapping it. I ran the end of it over my lips and felt my fingers tremble because I didn’t know why I felt this need …to look beautiful.

I didn’t need to, I though miserably. Everyone knew omegas were beautiful. Beta supermodels were beautiful yes but they couldn’t hold a candle to me, at least for someone like  Jungkook. He was an alpha, his brain was built to find me attractive. I had evolutionary genetics on my side, which mean that if I ever actually wanted to seduce Jungkook , he wouldn’t really stand a chance .

But I didn’t want that.

I had had enough of that. Enough of seeing handsome, rich alphas being reluctantly attracted to me. They made it obvious too. Most of the hate mail I got stemmed from angry wives or girlfriends accusing me of seducing their men , even though  I’d never so much as laid my eyes on them. It was so unfair. 

I didn’t enjoy watching them lose their minds at the sight and scent of me, because i knew that deep down,  they thought that all omegas were scum. 

Manipulative, sex driven , greedy and selfish . Those were the labels I got plastered with , on the media and on the streets. 

And Jungkook wasn’t different, I reminded myself firmly, pulling away from the mirror and grabbing the loose powder and dusting down some of it on the apple of my cheeks and down the length of my nose. 

He didn’t think any different than the others. Jungkook’s views on omegas were just as archaic and bigoted as everyone else’s .

He just didn’t act on them .

Sighing, I dropped the lipgloss back in the back and brushed my hair off my face. On a whim , I pulled off the hair tie holding the thick strands together, letting the wavy tresses fall over my shoulder. I hadn’t cut my hair in a long time and it felt to my hips now. My stylist was adamant that it added to my aesthetic.

  A primal siren, she had said staring at me in awe, like something eternal and beautifully dangerous. We’re lucky you seem incapable of hate, Heejin ...because I think you could bring grown men to their knees with that body and that face. 

I felt nauseous at the thought of it.   

Walking to the elevator felt like walking the plank and I had stop a couple of times, just to breathe deeply. I had to be smart about this. I was in therapy. Taehyung had taught me how to handle situations like this and while my heart was pounding too hard and my brain was too scrambled to use any of his therapy techniques, I still had some of my cognitive abilities intact. 

He came here, i thought desperately. 

He came looking for you and that means he isn’t nervous or worried or overthinking this because he doesn’t have feelings for you. If you want to come out of this  unscathed, you need to get your head on straight. You need to pretend that you didn’t just have a minor mental breakdown at the thought of him dating someone else. 

I took a deep breath, exhaling sharply before stepping into the elevator. The ride down to the lobby was barely a few seconds and when I stepped out, I realized the place was way too crowded for such an exclusive Hotel. And then I remembered that people were here for the Art Festival. I glanced at the reception desk, covertly, noting a conspicuous lack of Jeon Jungkook. The lady behind the desk held her hand up when she spotted me .

“Ms. Kim? Mr. Jeon just went to get you a drink...He’s over by the breakfast counter over there.” She pointed out the dining space where people were walking about getting breakfast and I swallowed, feeling hot and cold as I cautiously stepped into the crowd, trying to find a that familiar head of thick dark hair. 

I felt the apprehension build as I tugged on my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to reign in the chaos in my mind but it was impossible, everything too loud and too messy. I looked around and then, it hit me. 

His scent. 

I felt my lips part in surprise, and it felt like someone had turned the volume down , noises fading into a dull hum at the back of my mind as I stared at him. He hadn’t spotted me yet and I took a second to just....look.

He looked incredible.

There was really no other word for it. Incredibly handsome, Incredibly beautiful and so incredibly perfect as the late morning sun lit up the room, picking out the shine on his white silk shirt. I breathed in deep, my mindeasily picking out the musky pine scent of him and I stepped closer, moving straight towards him and I caught the exact moment my scent his senses.

He jerked a bit, nostrils flaring and eyes going wide before he turned, lips parted and gaze a bit unfocused as he looked around.

When he caught sight of me, he just blinked. 

I smiled weakly, body going limp with relief because.... because this was Jungkook. Not some monster I had to run from. This was Jungkook....even at his worst he had been better than some of the other people I’d met in life. 

I looked down at the drink in his hand and smiled a bit as he made his way over. 

“ This isn’t the same as buying me a coffee.” I said shakily as he finally stepped upto me.

His eyes danced with warmth. 

“What makes you think I can afford one? Besides, aren’t you the hotshot artist? Shouldn’t you be the one buying me stuff?” He said softly. 

“Just saw you on the front cover of a magazine. We both know you’re far from destitute..” Even through the smile, I felt the tug of emotion as I stared at him, felt the difference in him like night and day, the light and joy and ...contentment that seemed to radiate off him .

He smiled and held the drink out to me gently.

“ Heejin-ah.” He whispered. 

And somehow it was the sound of his voice, wrapping around the syllables of my name that finally did it. 

I felt the tears brim over, my lips parting in choked laughter as I stepped close and wrapped both my arms around him, burying my face in his neck and breathing him in. I felt him hold me, infinitely gentle and I exhaled sharply.

“I didn’t miss you,  at all.” I said shakily. He laughed lightly. 

“I missed you , too.” He stroked the back of my head gently and I sighed, fingers curling on the silk of his shirt. The fabric felt like liquid in my fingers and I played with it for a second, intensely aware that people were starting to stare. That this embrace had gone on for longer than social norms dictated but I couldn’t bring myself to care, letting my chin rest against his shoulder blades. 

And it was almost frightening.....how easy it was to pretend we weren’t broken at all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“She was so small when I last held her... I can’t believe she’s running around.” I said, awed, listening to Jungkook tell me about how Mina liked to climb everywhere. He laughed, shaking his head. 

"She’s growing bigger everyday. I can barely keep up.” Jungkook smiled, holding a hand out for me to step over the wooden slats that lined the tiny archway that led to the door to his building. I hesitated before lightly gripping his hand in mine, the gesture somehow feeling more intimate that it was. 

“You’re not staying at the Firenze?” I asked curiously, resisting the urge to reach for his hand again when he let go.

it was such a ridiculous thing but I’d never held hands with him. And It felt ridiculously nice, to slot my fingers with his, feel them in between mine. His palm against mine, calloused but somehow so comforting. 

 I’d forgotten how warm he was.

 Don’t. Don’t fall down this rabbit hole again, Heejin. We talked about this. He doesn’t think of you that way. He doesn’t. And neither should you. its unfair to him. He doesn’t deserve that. 

“No... As you can see my apartment is barely ten minutes away and Soeun has her exams so its easier for her to watch over Mina here at the apartment.

“Soeun?” I asked curiously.

“Park Soeun? She’s a University student who lives with me. She’s doing a correspondence course in fashion . So she’s home all the time and she helps out with Mina. And she speaks Italian so that’s a huge plus... ” He smiled. “ you’ll like her. She’s a good kid.” 

 Don’t make that face. Don’t fucking make that face, Heejin.

I struggled to keep my face straight , like I wasn’t feeling the weight of a dozen bricks at the base of my stomach. 

“A roommate...then..?” I asked quietly and he shrugged.

“Something like that. But mostly she helps take care of Mina when I’m out on an assignment.” He smiled and led me past two flight of stairs up to the studio apartment. 

I wrapped my arms around myself as he stopped in front of a wrought iron grill, gripping one end and sliding it open with ease. And then he rang the small bell n the side. I shuffled back and forth on my foot, heart racing. 

The door opened and I blinked because of how young the girl who opened the door was. A second later she was beaming, moving forward and wrapping both her arms around me.

“Unnie!” She squealed, hugging me so close that I almost choked. Completely thrown I could only gape at Jungkook who was laughing . 

“Oh, I forgot to mention..she’s a bit of a fan. “ He teased lightly and I smiled awkwardly, watching as she pulled back to stare at me, her gaze trained on my face unblinkingly. 

“Whoa...” She reached out and lightly touched my cheek with her forefinger making me jump. She flinched as well, flushing red.

“Shit..sorry...I just... I’ve never... I’ve never met an omega before.” She said softly. “ You’re absolutely breathtaking.”

I felt my heart pound, steeping back instinctively, an overwhelming urge to hide , anxiety pooling in my stomach as she continued to stare at me. I hated the attention and I wrapped my arms around myself. 

“Soeun, enough. Don’t make it weird.” Jungkook said sternly, voice hard and the girl immediately flushed, bowing apologetically. 

“Sorry...I.. sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable ... You’re pretty.” She said again before turning to Jungkook.

“I have to get some stuff for my exhibit, Jungkook oppa... Mina’s asleep. i’ll be staying over at Vince’s place for the night though. Is that okay?”

“Sure..have fun.” Jungkook smiled, “ Vince is her boyfriend.” He explained and Soeun nodded happily. 

“Italian men are absolutely amazing unnie...you should try some.” She winked and I laughed despite myself.

“I just might...” I said with a grin, watching as she walked over to slip on a pair of sneakers from the small shoe closet near the door. She waved enthusiastically all but bouncing away and I blinked at him , shaking my head.

“I feel a hundred years old right now.” I said softly, still stunned by the girl’s exorbitant energy. Jungkook laughed at that

“She definitely has that effect on people... Come on, I’ll show you around.” He held his hand out and I smiled , taking his fingers mine and letting him tug me further into the studio apartment. 

I looked around, taking in the full blown prints of Mina and Jungkook , caught in adorable poses in front of different tourist spots in Florence. I saw how much she looked like Jungkook now, and how openly affectionate they looked together, the love evident even in the still photos. 

And then my eyes fell on a familiar painting , my stomach lurching. 

“You... “ i turned to him in a rush and he was staring at me with a small smile.

“I had to bring that. It pretty much saved me, that painting.” He said casually, stepping close and running his fingers all over the print. 

“When you told me this is how Sooah saw me...” He traced the picture carefully before glancing at me,” it made me realize that Sooah didn’t just want a baby.....she wanted a baby with  me. She saw me as a father. As someone who could raise and nurture a tiny human  and that... that’s amazing isn’t it?” He sighed, staring at me.  

He looked beautiful, I thought with an ache deep inside me. The most beautiful man I’d ever seen in my life and it seemed almost too good to be true. That he was here, at reach. So close. I wondered if this was it. This had to be a sign. A sign that we’d come full circle. That it was over. That we could finally break free from all that we’d been through, and look back at Jungkook’s past with fondness instead of pain.

And perhaps, just perhaps I could reach out and touch him with something more than just the love you have for a friend. . Perhaps I could reach out and touch him, without feeling guilt and foreboding.

I exhaled shakily stepping up and running my fingers over the canvas. It was nothing fancy... Just a painting a painting of Jungkook holding Mina up by her waist, high over his head, staring up into her face with all the love and adoration in the world, The child in the painting doesn’t look exactly like Mina, of course, but I’d had no idea , seeing as Sooah had commissioned the painting when she was pregnant. But Jungkook.... Jungkook looked exactly like he did now : Happy and at peace. 

“You’re alright, then?” I asked quietly , a wealth of meaning behind the words and he smiled , nodding gently. 

“I’m fine…” He whispered , “ And I’m so glad I can tell you that, like this. Thank you for coming , Heejin-ah . I know you owe me nothing but.. I wanted to show you that… it wasn’t all bad you know. What we went through… Something good did come out of it.” He whispered.

I choked out a sob.

“I lied.” I whispered. “ I did miss you. Even when I knew I shouldn’t.”

Jungkook’s gaze softened.

“I have a lot to be sorry for. But I don’t want to remind you of those things. I just want you to know that… I understand what you went through…those six months. I understand that it was difficult and painful and i… I’m grateful that you didn’t give up on me. And I’m grateful that you stayed in my life.  Because I know I didn’t deserve that.”

“You deserve to be loved Jungkook.” I said quietly. “ Its not wrong to move on. You deserve to… find happiness again.”

He stared at me, his gaze soft and gentle.

“I can almost believe it, when you say it that way.” He laughed. “ And… you know… I’m not sure if its love. But there’s someone I’ve been…. Well, I can sort of see myself with her. .” He grinned a little, smile boyish as he ran his fingers through his hair. He glanced at me and I felt my heart skip a beat.

Wait… was he going to?....

“ I met her at Taehyung’s practice, a year ago. Her name is Lee Hyorin.” Jungkook looked at me, doe eyes shining with excitement.

And just like that the world ended.

Or so it felt.

It was like being dipped in icy cold water, the shock of it rendering me speechless, lips parted and breath catching in lungs.

Blood rushed through my ears, so fast that I felt lightheaded, my legs nearly giving out. White noise filled my skull, pain lancing sharp through my heart like a thousand paper cuts, and I couldn’t really breathe. It took a few seconds…. For my heart to catch up with what my mind had just processed. And when it finally did, the pain was so excruciating, I had to clench my fists, nails digging into the flesh of my palm to ground myself.

“She’s an alpha…and she lost her husband around the same time Sooah passed..” Jungkook gave me a soft smile. “ She’s actually a curator at one of the museums here. She’s the one who made all the arrangements for me to move here to Florence. ”

“Wow… That’s…” devastating,. “ That’s good news. Jungkook.. I.. How long…” My voice cracked, and I had to swallow. “ How long have you guys been dating?”

“About three months now. We’re taking it very slow, because we aren’t really ready. She has a son too. He’s three years old. Mina loves him so that’s a plus.” He laughed.

My lungs constricted, breathing difficult and my head swam because ….. what. Realization set in so quickly, I was left reeling. I was in love with this bastard, I thought miserably. So in love with him that it felt like he was shredding my heart into ribbons. Every word of his mouth felt like a sharp deep stab, straight through the center of my heart and the pulsing, beating organ was on the verge of giving out.

“She’s going to be there at the dinner tonight at the Festival. She’s one of the organizers by the way. She’s kind of the reason I got in, I think.” He laughed , looking abashed and what a load of bull that was. Jungkook was successful and well known. Superbly talented at his chosen field. She was lucky to have him.

How can she have him when I’m the one who fixed him? How is that fucking fair?

“She really understands the things I’ve been going through, the past few months and because we both still attend therapy with Taehyung, we’re able to talk about a lot of stuff. Stuff I can’t share with others…” Jungkook was saying and I tuned him out, not wanting to hear another word.

I swallowed, choking on bile. I could feel sweat gathering on my scalp, my skin clammy and damp , the air between us shifting into something poisonous and filled with so much dismay, it was a miracle he hadn’t picked up on it.

Couldn’t he sense how distressed I was? Couldn’t he see how his words were hurting? Couldn’t he fucking see that I couldn’t live without him? Why on earth couldn’t he see me the way he apparently saw every other woman on the damn planet…..

Because he’s a shitty Alpha, I thought miserably, willing myself not to burst into tears. He was a shitty excuse for an alpha back then and he’s the same now.

A low, distressed cry began somewhere behind him and he jumped.

“Oh, shit she’s up… come on, Heejin.” He said with a bright smile, turning around and rushing down a small hallway and I willed myself to breathe in deeply, reminding myself that this wasn’t the end of the world. I could get through this. Besides, it was Mina.

Beautiful, perfect Mina who had been there for me. She would see me and she would give me that sweet gummy smile of hers, does eyes twinkling and I would get through this. Because her smile was what was important. Her smile and her joy and her happiness.

The sobbing had slowed down to small hiccups and I stepped past the threshold cautiously, watching as Jungkook bent over the large crib, carefully lifting her out and into his arms. She looked breathtaking, an absolutely gorgeous little girl . I stared, mesmerized as I stepped closer. My arms ached, and my chest tightened. Lips wobbling, I exhaled sharply, moving to reach for her.

She turned to glance at me and just as my fingers brushed her cheek, she recoiled.

Hard.

A loud wail tore through her tiny body and I felt my eyes go wide. Her casual little cry had turned into a sobbing , loud wail and I could smell the distress in her , the fear and distrust as she curled away from me.  Jungkook looked stunned as well, instinctively drawing her close and embracing her, moving away from me because….

Because I was the reason, she was distressed.  

My skin went ice cold at the revelation and I stumbled back, stunned.

“I… I’m sorry.” I choked out, confused and disoriented. Jungkook looked stricken, gently rocking her back and forth and she clung to him, gripping his shirt and I bit my lips, moving further back and I glanced at him, my heart shattering.

“She’s …She’s still sleepy… She doesn’t do well with strangers…” He said softly, looking upset, “ Maybe you could…wait outside…”

Stranger…. Was that what I was?

“I… I’ll go. I’ll just go.” I turned on my heel, rushing out of the door and struggling to breathe in air, my heart clenching so hard I was sure I was going to pass out. I felt my knees give out when I reached the couch, dropping down and drawing my knees up , wrapping my arms around my legs . I didn’t know how long I sat there, fighting sobs and choking on air…and when I finally came to myself, the sobs from the room had died out.

“She’s fallen asleep again.” Jungkook’s voice cut through the silence and I couldn’t bring myself to look up. I felt him move closer, felt his scent hit me as he stepped right up to me, kneeling on the floor in front of me.

I looked up at him, lips wobbling as I took in his handsome face.  A face that was so deeply carved into my heart and my soul, I couldn’t imagine living without it. Without him. The tears came then, helpless and endless and so painful.

He pressed in closer, cupping my face in his palms, thumb brushing the tears that spilled over so relentlessly.

“Heejin…” He whispered and I let my fingers curl around his wrist as his thumb kept brushing the curve of my cheeks. I took a deep , shaky breath .

“She doesn’t remember me….  “ I whispered, “ She doesn’t recognize me at all…She hates me……” I choked out , despair filling every last crevice of my insides, gut twisting as I remembered how Mina had twisted away from me, how her scent had soured in distress at the sight of me, at the touch of my fingers.

 And I wondered if it was different with this other woman..Hyorin, wasn’t it? Did Mina climb into her arms with ease? Did she curl into her chest and sleep? The way she used to with me,  when she was a month old and missing the warmth of a mother.. ….

All those nights spent in that tiny nursery, lying on the cold unforgiving floor, watching the rise and fall of Mina’s chest through the dark room…telling myself it was worth it… it was worth being touched against my will, worth being treated like filth by a man driven mad with grief and anger….all because of this baby…this tiny little baby who had needed me….

And now…she didn’t even know who I was…..worse…she was repulsed by the very sight of me… I couldn’t cope.

“Look at me…” Jungkook rasped, voice raw and cracking. “she doesn’t hate you, Heejin… she just … you feel new to her… different…” 

I shook my head, unable to think about anything beyond the sheer devastation that filled me, the way his daughter had pulled away and run, had refused to come anywhere near me. I realized with lancing pain that I’d wanted to see her, way more than I’d wanted to see Jungkook .

Because she was the reason I’d hung on for so long in that marriage which had been the biggest fucking mistake of my life…. the only reason I’d stuck around . Mina …Having her in my arms, her scent against my face, that had been the only genuine happiness I’d experienced  in a marriage filled with sheer , unending misery. 

“I… she… Why doesn’t she remember? “ I breathed, sagging into his arms, tears soaking his shoulders and his palm ran up and down my back.

“Because she was a baby. Heejin…. I left when she was a baby…”

“Why did you?” I snapped. “ Did it hurt you so much? The thought of living under the same sky as me ? Why you did you go?” I demanded.

Jungkook pulled back, hands coming up to grip my shoulder, holding me at arms length.

“Look at me.” He whispered. “ I had to … You know I had to go….I was hurting you. I was… I was draining you of life. Destroying you… “

Jungkook’s words reminded me of who he was. Of who I was… Of who I was to him.

I choked out, sobbing.

“I hate you. You treated me like scum. Like a crutch….. Like some sort of tool to get better and you just left… you…”

You found someone better. You broke me down and now you’ve gone and found someone better….because I was never good enough for you… I was never someone you could love….

“I had to let you go. I had to end that relationship because it was tainted with so much grief and anger and selfishness and greed. I knew that anything I did afterwards would be tainted by my actions… I… I had to make amends, Heejin. And do you think for a second, that it wasn’t the hardest thing I ever did? That walking out on you wasn’t one of the most devastating things I’ve ever experienced? But I did it for us… for this…” 

I stared at him.

“And what is this?” I asked brokenly.

“This is me, being able to touch you like this.” Jungkook pressed a palm to my cheek, “ And not feeling guilt or sadness or grief or loss.  I did it so we could have this…this… This thing where I can look at you and hold you and see that you’re healing. That you’re doing better… That you’re living the life you want…. That you’re happy. This is me standing here , in front of you and smiling because I’m happy too. Happy that you’re here.  ” He exhaled, “ I’m happy that despite all the hurt we’ve been through for and because of each other, I can look at you now and tell you, honestly, that I’m glad to see you.” 

What a joke.. What a fucking joke.

I smiled shakily.

“Well… “ I said softly, my stomach churning because I was done. Done with him and mostly with myself. “ Isn’t that absolutely wonderful.”

His gaze softened and he smiled.

“I want us to be friends, Heejinah. Even though we don’t see or talk to each other, I think of you often. And when Mina’s old enough to understand , I’ll tell her all about you… I want you in our lives. You’re a friend. ”

I stared at him , feeling the words echo in my skull . It left an acrid taste on my senses, the way he put me into this neat little box, friend. So ….insignificant. Everyone had hundreds of friends. There was nothing even remotely special about being someone’s friend.

Friend just meant replaceable and forgettable. And just like Mina didn’t remember me…. Someday Jungkook wouldn’t either. The knowledge filled my veins spreading all over my body and leaving a fierce, heavy ache in my chest.

It was my fault, I thought despondently. My fault because I had been an idiot.

Jungkook was the sane one here , I thought miserably. These nine months, while I’d been dwelling on him and worrying for him…he had done the healthy thing , by moving on with someone he could actually envision a future with….

What had I done, these past nine months? Dreamt up a fantasy world where somehow we found our way back to each other and built a life together… It seemed so foolish now, in the light of Jungkook’s words and his confession….

Jungkook had done all of this, not for me…but for himself. For his daughter whom he loved and for his wife , whose memory he wanted to honor. And perhaps it was my own delusion that made me think that I’d played some stellar role in his healing…. Maybe if I hadn’t been there, he would have gotten better just the same…. Maybe I hadn’t been a tool …as much as a hindrance …to his healing.

I shook my head, bitterness coating my tongue.

“I should get going.” I whispered , voice shaking.

This is it, I told myself. This is the last time you look at him with that heaviness in your heart. You deserve better. You deserve… a lot of things. And just because people don’t give it to you doesn’t mean you have to settle for less……

“So soon? Hyorin will be back in a couple of hours… I could show you some of my work, and we could get lunch ….”

I shook my head quickly. I didn’t want to meet her in his home. Didn’t want to see him being domestic and affectionate and …normal with her when all I’d ever seen was Jungkook in his anger and grief, either yelling abuses or gripping me with a lust that was tainted with violence and rage. I stared at his hands, the ones I’d liked holding….

How did I forget? That those were the same hands that had held me down and done things that should, rightfully have landed him in prison?

I shook my head, to clear the images out of my head. Looking at him now,  Jungkook looked eager, happy and healed. And I realized that he’d just pushed all of his own actions out of his mind. Forgotten all about it. And that was fair. He probably didn’t even remember any of it. He had been drunk out of his mind, lost in his head and surely, forgetting must’ve been easy… A relief.

I didn’t begrudge him that.

But…

I hadn’t been drunk. I’d been stone cold sober under him on that bed and so, maybe forgetting didn’t come that easily for me. And I was glad that Jungkook could move on and be happy but….

But I couldn’t stay here and pretend that it was the same for me. I wasn’t happy or healed, I thought miserably. And maybe , maybe the sight of him moving on was a sign that I had to stop thinking that healing meant going back to him and his daughter.

“Heejin… What’s wrong? Is it because of Mina.. she’s just not used to…” He began but I quickly pressed a palm to his chest, smiling.

“Strangers.” I said softly. “ I know. That’s not it… You know I have to introduce my exhibit at dinner tonight. I don’t know what the itinerary is or what I’m supposed to say…. None of it.. I need to meet my agent and prep myself a bit. Its alright…I’ll see you tonight.” I said softly.

“I’m sorry… I can’t walk you back because Mina-“

“Of course. Don’t worry about it…. I’ll just…”

The doorbell rang, startling me.

“Jungkook!” A strong voice called out and I went still.

“Hyorin?” Jungkook’s face lit up and I felt my stomach churn. God, the universe really was against me wasn’t it? Sighing in defeat, I wrapped my arms around myself, sitting back down on the couch and waiting.

Behind me , I could hear hushed whispers, soft laughter and shuffling feet. My mouth went dry.

“Ms. Kim….”

I turned around, greeted by the sight of a tall, strapping young woman, pretty by any standards. She was dressed in a pant suit , her hair long and straight, hitting the top of her shoulders. She looked smart… Important.

“Ms. Lee… Its nice to meet you.”

She held her hand out and I shook it gently.  Jungkook smiled at her fondly and his phone rang from somewhere inside the studio.

“Hang on that’s probably Soeun…” He smiled at me and moved away and I watched him leave before shifting my gaze to Hyorin, who was staring down at me with a small smile.

“Are you here in Italy by yourself? Or with one of your many …uh… patrons ?” She smirked.

I blinked.

“Patrons?” I asked softly. “ Excuse me?”

“Jungkook and I’ve been following all the stories about you, back in Korea. You get around quite a lot… don’t you? Every alpha within a 100 mile radius wants a piece of the lovely Kim Heejin… And honestly, could anyone blame them? You look exquisite.”

I stared at her, stunned. The implication was so obvious that I would be an idiot not to realize what she was hinting at. So this was the woman , Jungkook chose? Yet another prejudiced bigot?

I laughed a bit, feeling my heart sink.

“I’m not seeing anyone. If that’s what you’re asking.” I said quietly.

Hyorin smirked at that.

“Of course you aren’t… We all know that isn’t really something your kind does… monogamy, right?”

“Do you have a problem with me Hyorin ssi?” I asked roughly and she laughed.

“Oh come on.. we’re all adults, here. And Heejin, you  agreed to be a part of this festival, knowing full well, that’s what we think . Its because deep down you know I’m right….. Omegas can’t stay with one alpha. They need sex to survive and they are usually open to it with anyone. Not that I’m blaming you or judging you for it. It’s just how you’re built.”

I smiled wide, ignoring the urge to claw at her face. .

“Well, you’ve definitely got me all figured out haven’t you? “ I shook my head, glancing at Jungkook who was making his way over.

“What are you talking about?” He asked curiously and I smiled, glancing at her.

“ Hyorin ssi was just telling me how my sub gender makes it impossible for me to not go around whoring with every alpha I see…….” I glanced at him and Jungkook straightened, looking stunned, “ Well, I hope you two enjoy your beautiful monogamous relationship with each other something an omega like me can only fantasize about…. Right Jungkook?” I smiled and he looked completely lost.

“Wait…What? Hyorin what did you say?” He demanded and she was glaring at me now.

“Please don’t take it personally, I was only talking about omegas in general. “ Hyorin frowned, before bowing and moving away to stalk off in the direction of the bedrooms and I watched her, feeling dirty and terrible.

“Heejin, ignore her.. she’s just old fashioned and-“

“Is that what you’re going to call it?” I snapped and Jungkook froze.

“Heejin…”

I shook my head in disbelief.

“I’m not upset about what she said. I’m upset that she feels comfortable enough, spouting that bullshit to me , in your house. Makes me wonder what else she’s told you about omegas, and how much of it you probably agreed with.”

Jungkook stared at me , lips parted.

“I… I don’t feel that way. You know that.” He said stiltedly.

“Do I? All I know is that she knows about me, about who I am and apparently, she can call me a slut…. In front of you, without worrying about it upsetting you. And that tells me you’re as much of a bigot as she is.”

“Heejin… You know that’s not it. We all grow up being fed certain things and –“

“But you did grow up right?” I snapped. “ you grew up and you can think and act for yourself. As can she. Once you’re an adult, you don’t have a single fucking excuse for being racist or homophobic or bigoted because being an adult means having the ability to unlearn the toxic things you’ve been taught and relearn how to be a decent fucking human.”

I shook my head as he stared at me.

“And you know what…please just… just don’t call me or consider me as a friend.” I laughed. “ Because I don’t think I can consider you one. Not anymore. You can’t…...You can’t just love certain parts of me and be disgusted by others you know? I don’t need a friend who can care about me and love me and help me as long as he can forget that I’m an omega….. I need a friend who can love every jagged, broken , part of me. Who can call out people who talk bullshit at me , who can look someone in the eye and tell them they’re wrong when they’re calling me names  and that’s not who you are……. You’re not it.” I snapped.

Jungkook looked stricken, reaching out to hold me and I stepped away, annoyed.

“I’m sorry, Heejin, you’re right … I’ll talk to her… I’ll…” He began but I shook my head.

“Whatever.  Just don’t call me a friend. We can’t be friends. Let’s just be what we always were , yeah? A big fucking mistake that never should have happened.”

I stormed out of the door, shaking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean, there are no flights available for today?” I snapped. “Tell them money isn’t an issue. I need to get out of this place right now.”

Minho looked incredibly stricken, hair messy from how often he’d run his fingers through.

“ We just arrived seven hours ago, Hee. Of course there’s no flight yet…. We can stay another day…attend the dinner and-“

“No.” I snapped. “ Absolutely not. I’m not here because they find my art good  or worth putting up. I’m here because they know the alphas around here will want to pay more , to pour in more cash for a chance with me.” I held the embossed booklet up, waving it in his face.

“Heejin…” He protested but I shook my head.

“ Did you see the cost to get into my pane ?. Extra ….for alphas? And yet…apparently they had to pre book it and its filled? You think any of the lecherous bastards who paid money to see me , gives a shit about my art?  And apparently, there’s a meet and greet, for alphas only if they purchase seven or more paintings worth over 10000 Euros. Do you think, that’s what I’m worth?”

Minho looked down at his shoes, ashamed.

“I .. I’m sorry, Hee. You’re right. Its offensive . And an insult to your art and talent. We shouldn’t have come here, you’re right. And I regret it… But just… give me a few hours, yeah? I’ll find a way to get us out of here….”

I exhaled sharply, exhaustion weighing heavy on my head. I felt like I’d taken a pounding, physically and mentally and I wondered how a day that had started so well, could go so wrong, so fast…

Shaking my head, I trudged wearily to the elevator, knocking on the buttons before sagging against the wall, letting my eyes flutter shut.

Jungkook was dating.

Jungkook was dating. His girlfriend thought I was a slut and here I was about to prove her right.

I wanted to slit someone’s throat.

Sighing, I watched the door slide open, grabbing my keys out of my bag,  and moving to the suite. I opened the door before making a beeline for the bed. I collapsed on the soft duvet, groaning. I was torn between wanting to call Taehyung to yell at him about Jungkook and calling Minho to demand an update on the flights.

I was spared the dilemma when the phone in the room rang. Groaning, I moved to swat at the phone, turning on the speaker.

“Ms. Kim? There’s a Mr. Jeon here to see you?”

I blinked, feeling disbelief swell inside me. Did he not get the hint?

Annoyed, I sat up.

“Send him up.” I said, in no mood to go all the way down to see him.

“Up?” She sounded surprised, “ To your room?”

“Yes. To my room. Is that a fucking problem?” I growled, annoyed.

“Not at all Ms. Kim. He’ll be right up.”

I got out of bed, shrugging off my jacket and taking off my dress as well. It was a little damp because I’d sweated through the fabric. I grabbed one of my oversized t shirts , slipping it on and moving to open the door before retreating back to the inner room. Feeling annoyed, I walked up to the vanity and grabbed the hair brush, running the bristles through my locks. I heard his footsteps outside and stiffened.

“If you’re here to defend your shitty girlfriend, you can just leave Jungkook. I swear to God, I’ve had enough of this.” I shouted. He didn’t reply and my hackles rose.

“Listen, I’m sorry if I said something harsh-“ I froze when I reached the doorway, staring at the man in front of me. He had a large , almost humongous bouquet of wild orchids and roses in his hand and I stared at his face.  

This was definitely not Jungkook.

“Umm… hi.” The man bowed awkwardly, his gaze going straight to my legs, where my t shirt ended, just a couple of inches past my waist. I felt the blood rush to my face.

“Who are you…Get out !!!” I shouted, horrified, diving for my jacket and holding it up against my bare thighs. The man held both his hands up, eyes wide..

“I’m sorry… I… you said I could come up to your room….” He protested and I scowled, confused.

“What? “ I stared, stunned… “ Who…what?”

“I’m Wonwoo. Jeon Wonwoo. I’m uh….one of the sponsors for this festival. And a fan. Huge fan.” He was staring at me beseechingly and I felt my head begin to throb.

The sheer relentlessness of this day…..

“I… Mr. Jeon…” So weird, God, “ There’s been a misunderstanding. I’m not…. I thought you were someone else.”

“Jungkook yes…your ex husband, right? You were married to him for six months after he lost his wife….. He’s also one of the artists exhibiting their work here.” He nodded quickly, running long fingers through thick glossy hair, lips parting in a hesitant smile and I stared at him.

“How do you know all that? ” I demanded, heart pounding. He immediately held his hands up again.

“I’m sorry… I sound like a stalker, shit. But Trust me I’m not. I just am a huge fan.. I looked up some stuff about you….before.” He shuffled a bit awkwardly, finally looking up at me.

I tried to catch his scent. No scent to speak of. A beta then. Relaxing just a bit, I swallowed. At least I wasn’t in any immediate danger. But still, I had no intention of letting him see me in nothing but a t shirt. Embarrassed, I gripped the jacket tighter.

“Why are you here?” I demanded angrily, taking in his appearance. He didn’t look like a hoodlum or someone dangerous. He was good looking, dressed in a white t shirt and black Jacket over plain black slacks. His shoes looked expensive and I didn’t miss the shiny Rolex on his wrist either,.

“Well, for one thing I own the Hotel.” He chuckled and that made my stomach turn. “And also like I said, I’m one of the main sponsors for the Festival itself.”

“Right.” I was too disoriented to process this, head throbbing. “Of course. Is there a reason why you wanted to see me?”

“I was downstairs…just now… I couldn’t help but overhear you with your agent. You wanted to leave as soon as possible. To pull out of the event and I’m just here to try and change your mind, Ms. Kim.” He smiled earnestly and I realized he was really quite young.

I sighed.

“Could you… Could you wait outside? I want to put some clothes on before we talk any further.” I said tiredly and he bowed quickly.

“Uh… These…I’ll just leave these here.” He placed the large bunch of flowers on the table before quickly leaving the room and I swore, racing to the suitcase in the corner. I quickly grabbed a pair of jeans, slipping them on hastily and zipping myself up before glancing at the mirror again. This would have to do.

I moved to the door and opened it, finding him right there, looking lost.

“I… come in, please.” I said hesitantly and he bowed again, moving in and waiting for me to close the door and take a seat on the couch, before sinking into an arm chair across from me.

“Did you see the itinerary? It doesn’t get more sexualized than this.” I waved the booklet and he flushed.

“I understand you’re upset about … certain things. I’m sorry that you feel objectified , in the festival. It wasn’t the intention I had when I first told Hyorin and the others that I wanted them to invite you. But , I’ve been busy the past month, and I didn’t go over the complete agenda. If I did, I definitely would have made sure that you were treated with just as much respect as the others. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do now, but I’ve had a word with all of the panelists and also the hosts. We won’t entertain any question or comments of a sexual nature and if anyone tries to insinuate anything , I’ll have them removed from the panel myself. “ He said firmly.

“I’m only here because you told me you would exhibit my mother’s works too.” I said sharply and he bowed.

“ Your mother’s works are just as exquisite and I’ve arranged for them to be displayed right at the center of the arena, with a running slide show of her childhood , her art technique and the great love she had for her daughter.” He said firmly.

I could only stare. He sounded incredibly sincere and there was no mistaking the earnestness in his tone.

“I’m….” I bit my lips, “  Listen, Mr. Jeon, I’m flattered but honestly, I never wanted to be here. I… there was … something else that made me want to come and well, that turned out to be a huge mistake. To be honest, I’m not sure if I have it in me to suffer through days of people treating me like I’m some kind of sex crazed bimbo.” I shook my head.

“how about this.? You let me be your date for tonight and you let me display your work, today at the dinner itself. I’ll be right by your side. And then, I’ll have my private jet on standby and we can fly back to Korea. You deserve the spotlight, Heejin and I want people to see how good you are at what you do. I don’t care if I lose money over this… As long as you’re comfortable. ”

I gawked at him, stunned.

“Private Jet?” I choked out. “ Okay, now I’m genuinely concerned.”

He laughed.

“I’m a Hotelier, and I have properties all over the world and I like to inspect them personally most of the time. Its more practical to have a private jet than to try and align my schedules with everyone else.” He smiled.

“Right. Convenient.” I shook my head. “ I’m no stranger to excessive wealth, Mr. Jeon and trust me, it’s always left a  sour taste in my mouth.”

“I don’t flaunt my wealth, Ms. Kim. These clothes? Got them on the streets of Florence. I drive a Mazda. Wealth has no meaning to me. People do. People like you, who bring beauty into the world with their craft. You’ve made my world beautiful and I just want to repay , in some way.” He smiled,  “ Also,  You’re very  beautiful.” He added and then immediately looked away. “ I’m sorry. That was… dumb . I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable.”

Endeared against my own wishes, I found myself fighting a small smile.

“Just tonight’s dinner?” I asked quietly.

“Just the dinner party.” He assured me quickly.

“Alright. But I’m not getting into any private Jet. My agent will book me tickets and I’ll find my way back to Korea.”

“As you wish. I’ll pick you up at seven. What color is your dress?” He asked casually and I blinked.

“Uh… Wine red? I guess? Why?”

He grinned, looking boyishly handsome.

“I’ll see you at seven, Ms. Kim.”

He bowed, before pausing by the bouquet. He grabbed a couple of  flowers, holding them up for me to see.  

“Daffodils and Lilacs.” He grinned, “ To finding something new to love. And to new beginnings.”

Wow.

Subtle.

I shook my head, momentarily forgetting all about Jungkook as I grinned all the way back to the bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I told you… coming with me will earn you major points.” Wonwoo smirked as he pulled me in by my waist , holding my dress up for me as I stared at the sleek black limousine at the Hotel entrance. I watched as he held my wrist gently, latching a string of sterling silver and red rubies around the delicate curve of it.

“This is too lavish…I don’t want this…Who are you?” I demanded, flushing because of the way the flashes went off in every direction, reporters scrambling when they caught sight of him. He was clearly popular, if the number of photos being clicked were any indication. I regretted everything.

Wonwoo pressed a kiss to my wrists, right near the bracelet and gently placed my palm on the curve of his elbow, leading me over to the car and I watched the chauffeur open the door for us.  

“ Someone who can get anyone here fired. Be careful , sweetheart.” I watched in mute horror as he bent low, picking up the hem of my skirt so I wouldn’t trip, while climbing into the limousine. The reporters began whispering excitedly and more flashes went off . My face completely red, I hastened to climb in.

“These people look at you like you’re some kind of King.” I stared out of the tinted windows seeing the sheer multitude of people and Wonwoo chuckled.

“ That’s because I am. At least for tonight. And that’s why I’m the perfect guy to protect you Heejin. They’re all terrified of me.” He winked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook found me, fifteen minutes into the event. I hung by the large archway, near an alcove, sipping champagne and nibbling on some hors d’oeuvre as people threw glances at me. I noticed the conspicuous lack of a date on his arm and straightened, sighing and bracing myself for more unpleasantness as he picked his way through the crowd, eyes trained on me.

“Can we talk?” He said, the minute he was at hearing distance and I exhaled.

“No.” I said casually and he made a noise of impatience.

“Fucking, hell Heejin..just…” He swore again, looking upset. “ Why are you doing this to me? What do you want from me huh?”

I stared at him in disbelief.

“What do I want from you? Oh, fuck off Jungkook. I want nothing from you.” I snapped, turning on my heel, ready to leave but his hand shot out, gripping me right above my elbow, fingers curling in hard.

“Fuck.. listen. I don’t know what she said to you. I .. I’m sorry if she offended you…. Alright? She’s an alpha… I can’t change the way she thinks…”

“I didn’t ask you to. I merely said that if you associate yourself with people who think I’m scum, I won’t let you into my life. Because I respect myself too much for that.” I said firmly.

“She doesn’t think you’re scum, Heejin come on. She just has some misconceptions about certain things.”

“God, Jungkook…just stop. Alright? Stop. Because I’m not asking you do anything. I’m leaving on a flight tomorrow morning and you’ll never see me again. That’s all there is to it.”

He froze at that, fingers curling harder around my arm and it hurt, the skin turning red. Stupid fucker, never knew his own strength.

“Ow, Jungkook let go.” I whispered, and he did, albeit reluctantly.

I rubbed at the bruised skin, furious. I watched as the redness healed over, the pain fading to a throb and then into a pleasant heat and I hated it. Hated that being an omega meant that Jungkook’s rough touch turned to pleasure on my skin.

“What do you mean you’re leaving tomorrow? The Festival is for two weeks.”

I sighed.

“I didn’t come here for the festival. I came here to see you. To see if you were as hung up on me as I was on you…but apparently not.” I snapped.

Jungkook went perfectly still at that.

“What the fuck does that mean?” He said softly and I laughed, shaking my head.

“Wow. You really never even considered it huh? Us? Together.?” It wasn’t funny at all, but I could only laugh. Probably because I’d been so sure.. So certain that there was something there.

He opened his mouth to answer but I felt a warm solidness behind me, an arm wrapping around my waist and a second later, Wonwoo was there pressing up against me.

“Jungkook-ssi… Such a pleasure to meet you.” He held his hand out, and Jungkook frowned, his eyes trained on where wonwoo’s fingers curled around my waist.

“Get your hands off her.” He said shortly and Wonwoo blinked, pulling away from me and stepping back .

“What the-? No. Fuck you.” I snapped, glaring at Jungkook before grabbing Wonwoo’s hand and bringing it back around me. “Don’t you fucking dare take your hands off.” I held my finger up at his face and Wonwoo looked momentarily stunned.

“Really, Heejin? You’re doing this?” Jungkook glared at me. “ We need to talk.”

“So talk.” I snapped. “ Tell me why you think a bigoted bitch is the best you can do in terms of dating. Tell me why she’s the only one who can ‘ understand’ “ I made air quotes, shaking my head, “ You think you and your shitty have monopoly on grief Jungkook? I’ve lost people too. Just because I haven’t screwed other people over because of it, doesn’t make my grief invalid….yeah.”

Ringing silence followed and I regretted everything.

“Fuck.” I whispered, shaking my head. “ I .. Shit. I need to get out of here.”

I pulled away from Wonwoo, moving out of the huge ballroom and Jungkook was right behind me, of course he was.

“Heejin…fuck. Wait. You’re right. I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t understand me. Of course you did. Its why you stuck around… I know that. And you’re right, she had no business talking about you like that. I’ll have a word with her… But…”

I sped up, wanting to get away but he grabbed me again, tugging me closer out of the hall way and into a darkened alcove and I flinched when he pushed me up against the wall, caging me in, as he pressed in closer.

“What did you mean by that?” He demanded, hands coming up to grip my waist, curling gently and my chest heaved at the touch of him, the enclosed space making his scent turn potent, strong and impossible to avoid. My nostril flared as I breathed him in, familiar and yet so foreign, comforting and yet so fucking dangerous.

“By what?” I snapped and his hands moved up, shaping the curves of my body , thumb grazing the tip of my breast and making me jump, before moving up, gripping my face, gently. He pressed his thumb into my lower lip, rubbing back and forth, face impossibly close and I swallowed, throat sandpaper dry.

“About us? Together….” He breathed and I exhaled shakily.

“You know what I meant.” I whispered. “ If you don’t then I can’t explain it.” I whispered and he swore, head dropping against mine, forehead resting against mine, and lips less than a hairsbreadth away.

We’ve never kissed, I thought suddenly. I licked my lips, turning my face away but his fingers gripped my chin at once, yanking me around to stare at him again.

“Look at me, baby. Tell me… You thought about us together?” He whispered .

I breathed shakily.

“Of course I did…. “ I snapped.

“Then clearly therapy isn’t working for you.” He snapped right back and I flinched.

“What-“

Jungkook pulled away staring at me.

“ Do you even remember all the shit I did to you?” He asked quietly. My stomach dropped.

“Jungkook.”

“I broke your ribs.” He said calmly. I swallowed.

“That.. That was an accident. You didn’t mean to.” I protested. “ And we’re past all that… I don’t… I don’t blame you for it.” I said, which was honest enough.

“And what about the nights I got drunk, Heejin….” He said softly and my skin went cold.

“That… That was just… It was just an outlet for your grief… “ I looked away and he scoffed.

“You’re calling it an outlet for grief. I believe the world calls it rape.”

I felt my entire body shiver at the word , moving up to wrap my arms around his neck, trying to pull him close but he was stiff as a board.

“ Don’t” I snapped. “ Don’t …. Its over…it’s in the past.”

“It was still me. I was the one who did it and I can’t… I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

I pulled away to glare at him.

“So , what? You won’t give us a chance because of something I’ve already forgiven you for?”

“Yes.” He said shortly. “ Because you may have forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself.”

I felt my body sag in disbelief.

“Jungkook that’s-“

“You deserve better. You always have. I’m not… I don’t deserve someone like you Heejin. You’re kind and breathtaking and I’m just… a broken mess of a man who’s barely getting by.”

“Oh, right… So broken.” I scoffed. “ You’re on the front page of magazines, you have a successful career and a beautiful girlfriend,,,,forgive me if I’m not breaking my heart over your failures.”

Jungkook exhaled shakily before looking up at me.

“  You wanna know the truth about me, Heejin-ah?” He swallowed. “ I just got out of rehab last week.”

I went still.

“What?” I was sure I’d misheard.

“I… I came here and about a month or so in…I started drinking again…” He glanced away and my heart turned over inside me.

“Jungkook, what?” I demanded, horrified.

“I got drunk and got into an argument with a cop. I hit him. They found out I was a single father and-“ He shook his head, “ I got arrested for disorderly conduct , Public intoxication and assault.”

I stared at him in disbelief, unable to keep the disappointment out of my tone.

“ Arrested for assault... Jungkook why?” I breathed and he flushed.

“I know…. It was stupid.. I… I was stupid.” He said softly.  “Soeun isn’t a baby sitter. She’s a social worker. She’s here to keep an eye on me because they want to make sure I’m not a threat to Mina. If I slip up, they’ll deport me back home and then the state will likely take her away from me. Soeun likes me….so she agreed to lie to you ……And as for the girlfriend…” He laughed, shaking his head, “ Hyorin broke up with me after I got arrested. We’re not… We’re not dating. She was only there to get some prints for the panel tomorrow.” He finished shakily.

I stared at him.

“Why?” I demanded . “ Why would you lie to me… Jungkook ….”

“Because I didn’t want you to think I was a screw up.” He said shakily. “ I know I’m supposed to be getting better and I have but… But sometimes I just…I miss…. I miss home. “ He shuddered. “ And you.”  He looked up at me. “ I miss you a lot, Heejin and it hurts and I feel like the only way I can forget about you…about us together is if I drink. And I’m sorry. I know I don’t have the right to miss you, not after everything I put you through but I… it’s how I feel. ” He glanced away, trembling a little.

I wrapped my arms around myself, stepping away, feeling myself go cold.

We stayed quiet for a few seconds, both of us staring at the floor lost in our own thoughts. I felt drained. Miserably so. Like someone had sucked all the strength out of me. I realized how badly I had wanted Jungkook to be okay. To heal and be himself again. And I’d spent the last nine months, fully convinced that he was. That he was doing what he loved, bonding with his daughter building a life for himself.

But apparently, he was also spiraling back into addiction as well.

It was like we were back in that apartment, both of us miserable  but desperate to be something we clearly were not : Okay.

“Does Taehyung know?” I asked finally and Jungkook hesitated before nodding.

“He was at my court hearing three weeks ago. He’s the reason I haven’t already lost her.” Jungkook whispered.

“What did he say?”

“He thinks I should come back to Korea.” Jungkook said quietly. “ He wants me to start therapy again with him. Every week. “

I nodded.

“Fair enough. And what do you think?”

“I think I will. My probation ends in three days. I’ll… I’ll start making arrangements afterwards. I’ll probably be back in a few weeks time. ”

I stared at him, finally seeing the things I hadn’t noticed this morning. The shadows beneath his eyes, the worry lines on his brow. I wondered if he would have ever told me the truth, if not for this little confrontation between us.

Silence descended again and I bit my lips, a million thoughts running through my head. I felt the pull of his scent through it all, an instinctive urge to reach out and touch and draw him close and I wondered if this was it. That for the rest of our lives we would just be drawn to each other, reluctant and hurt but unable to stay away.

“You’re leaving tomorrow then?” He asked quietly breaking through the fog in my head.  

“Well obviously not.” I snapped. “ I’m not leaving you. I’ll tell Minho, we’ll be staying here for a few weeks. Do you actually have a possible job back home? If you don’t I can ask my agent to find one for you….”

Jungkook was staring at me like I’d grown an extra head.

“ What?” I asked roughly.

He swallowed.

“No.. I .. I don’t have a job there.”

“We’ll get you one. And my apartment is big enough so you can stay with me till we find you a place of your own. And I think it’ll actually be good for you, because there’s a Fine Art photographer, pretty well know guy who stays just a few blocks away and e can probably- “

“You haven’t really changed have you?” Jungkook cut me off in the middle of my rambling .

I flushed, looking away.

“What do you mean?”

“Back when we were married… it was just like this.. I’d fuck up and do something awful and you’d just take it all in stride, get ready to help me out of it….”

“I don’t know what you mean…” I said quickly, “ Let’s go back to the party we’ll talk later-“

He grabbed both my arms, pulling me back to face him when I tried to get past him and I yelped, staring up at him in surprise.

“What?” I demanded. “ What is it now?”

“How do you do this thing, Heejin ?” He asked roughly. “ How do you just get ready to clean up every fucking mess I make like it doesn’t hurt you? Like I don’t hurt you?”

“What are you talking about?” I tried to wriggle out of his hold but he tugged me closer.

“How do you just…” He shook his head, “ accept me so unconditionally? Like… Its like no matter what I do, you’re just willing to look past it and I don’t fucking understand Heejin… why do you put up with me, damn it?”

I stared right at him. Caught his gaze and held it, refusing to look away.

“You know why.” I whispered, licking my lips, throat dry,  “ And if you don’t…. I’m not going to tell you.”

His eyes widened , lips parting and he exhaled sharply, before letting me go and stepping away.

He looked away, shaking a little and I sighed.

“Let’s just get this night over with, yeah?” I said quietly. “ and then we’ll talk.”

He didn’t reply, merely standing aside and motioning for me to leave first.

I shook my head, moving to grip his arm instead.

“Together.” I said firmly. “ We’ll get this night over with, together.”

 Author’s Note : i love these two. i’ve never wanted two people to be together so much. 

@taeshuworld  .@girlinthemikrokosmos  @xius-exos  @sugainfireslex  @yunkichiee@kpopstudybee @ephyraaaa  @peachoney9795 @ggukkieland  @veronawrites  @blr1004   @tinyhoagiepartylover @btsis7okay @squishyjk  @itsdingdong @emmmui  @honeeybunneey  @yeonkiminnie @just-me-and-myselfs  @delicate-snow-flake  @kpop-lore  @beautifulvirgobutterfly @sumzysworld  @btsmylife21  @teresaisla .@melrosaeparker @taestannie @dchimminie  @ meraki–life  @somewhereinthestates  @mawwnsterr  @kookiesbreaky  @chimchoom  

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@mylittlestrangeandsweetworld   @kookiesxbananamilk     @lovra974   @supernoonanyc  @kokoandkookie​  

[gatheringbones]

["Pat was nineteen, I was twenty-four. After camp I went home to Durham and she to New York, and we wrote daily. If I expected my usual Alabama routine of intense letters that gradually petered out. I was wrong. One letter described her dreams of kissing me. "Nothing sexual, of course," she explained, as the drumbeat in my clitoris sent me the final confirmation I was queer. Then Pat's mother (a bright, angry woman who tried to bind Pat close) sat her down and explained how there are only three kinds of love and two of those are homosexual. Whether or not we were ready to admit it, her mother argued, most certainly we would end up as lovers, potentially the first of many disastrous homosexual affairs for Pat. She asked Pat to break off seeing me. Pat went upstairs and wrote to me: "I can't cope knowing that I love a woman. It will be easier if we terminate the relationship now before it's too late." But she wrote a second letter, asking that we make the decision together. "All I'm asking you is to think about our relationship, honestly, from a feeling point of view— are we in danger of entering a homosexual relationship? If you think we are— what do we do about it? I'll do the same from my standpoint."

I knew that Pat's mother was right, that I was a lesbian and that I loved Pat. I wandered around Durham that afternoon, ending up under a cedar tree trying to decide whether I should kill myself. I got up from beneath the tree resigned to a lonely and tragic life, but committed to living.

I wrote Pat to break off the relationship:

I've got to stop running sometime. I'm sorely afraid, my friend, that your mother is right. I am in love with you. It's becoming hard for me to explain the situation any other way. The implications and consequences shake me to the core... It astounds me how much of my thought processes for a terribly long time have been devoted to avoiding the realization of my lesbian tendencies (note that, still evading, I cannot say lesbianism)... Quoth Goneril (or is it Regan) in King Lear, "He hath ever but slenderly known himself." Amazing. And, altho, my feelings at this moment are a tremendous sense of disorientation and dismay, I also feel a weird sense of relief. Life after this, no other [revelation] can compare. Previously— when I was hiding— I had thought that... whatever I was fighting was inherent in existence and that I would wrestle with it until I couldn't stand it anymore. This fear was fear that I'd have to face what I'm trying to face now. But even now I'm backing away from it. But if I can face it and and work through it— accept myself and find some way/place to be accepted as myself— then I'll be free.

I urged her not to let the fact of our lesbian love humiliate her or make her doubt her worth, finding myself, as I recognized, "in the difficult position of trying to assure you of your loveableness which my very love for you might make you question."

(...) My mood of sad, scared resolve lasted until the next day's mail, which brought Pat's next letter, with no mention of the previous day's correspondence. In the first two weeks after she defied her parents and moved down to live with me, I discovered passion, that coming together of the body's and the spirit's longings in the plane where two bodies meet, like the sky and the land. For weeks it was as if I were floating. Our first kisses were spaced at thirty-minute intervals. It took me that long to recover. After two days she said, "Mab, at some point we have to take our clothes off."]

Mab Segrest, Memoir of a Race Traitor, The New Press, 1994

[skellebonez]

Celestial Crossing (A MoonStone, SWKxChang'e, ship fic).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUCKY! You awoke something in me that could not be contained.

Everyone, I am so far down this rabbit hole. We both are. The fic title is actually the name of a new AU and it's gone so far in such a short time. You all know who to thank for jump starting me into pure chaos with this ship in the future because the plot bunnies (heh) I have for these two cannot be contained any longer.

As always, AO3 link here!

“What am I doing…”

It was hardly a question. Hardly even a statement, more an utterance of disbelief from the immortal.

What WAS he doing, exactly?

Making another rocket, of course.

Another.

As if making one the first time was even within the realm of normal. But then again, what was normal about any part of the Great Sage’s life?

Born from a rock. Learned how to shape shift from a secret tutor. Become immortal more times over than he could recall sometimes. Angered all of the celestial realm. Got trapped under a mountain for centuries, spent years on a pilgrimage with 4 companions, you get the idea.

Sun Wukong’s life was anything but normal. And yet, somehow, this one singular instance of making a second rocket seemed to be the thing that tripped him up.

It was even for the same reason he had built it the first time… almost. Sort of.

It wasn’t every day that the Great Sage Equal to Heaven, the Handsome Monkey King, Sun Wukong himself had a meteorite with a letter inside of it crash land on his home. But it was yesterday. Just the night before to be exact. 9 hours, 45 minutes, and 23 seconds.

He was not counting. No. Don’t be absurd!

It was just…

There was no denying who it was from. It was impossible to.

Chang'e had sent him a letter. Somehow.

“Dear Sun Wukong,

It is alright to call you Sun Wukong in a letter, right? It’s been so long since I have really sent one to… anyone! Let alone one of my immortal or celestial compatriots. So I am unsure if proper etiquette has changed or not… once again. But I felt this was more appropriate than asking Pigsy or MK for your email address.

I was wondering if, perhaps, you might be able to pay me a visit? I so enjoyed your last visit, though with the world apparently ending and all it was so short.

And I do mean you, not you and MK or Pigsy. I (something was scribbled out here that he could not make out at all, except the word "lonely” barely legible) would appreciate it if you would act as a taste tester for some new mooncakes I was making! It’s almost time for the mid-autumn festival preparations and I would appreciate the (something else scribbled out, starting with a c… company?) assistance!

If you cannot or do not wish to, I understand. You don’t even have to reply!

Best regards,

Chang'e"

It was both formal and casual, somehow fitting for her. And yet… there was a sense of sadness that could not be separated from the words on the page.

Sun Wukong knew full well what the time of year meant for Chang'e. What the upcoming festival meant. Who… wouldn’t be there.

When was the last time she sent a letter to anyone asking them to visit? She must have before, given how she talked in her letter, but when? Years? Decades? … Centuries?

He knew a thing or two about waiting centuries for things for people. That was something the two of them had in common. Before MK? He had never actually physically interacted with anyone. Sure, he has correspondence with his lawyer and his development team and the people who wished to use his likenesses for Monkey Cop or whatever new TV show based on him there was.

But it was all via clones he sent out. Or letters, email, phone calls. Never physically meeting someone.

It had been such a shock to his system to finally leave the mountain and watch over MK when he was looking for a successor. To be around others. To talk to someone who was THERE! Was that what it was like for her when she saw the trio of intruders in her garden? Or was it more intense since she never got the chance to slowly adapt to it again?

Chang'e was so happy to see MK in particular, being such a fan of him as a hero. And she and Pigsy had gotten alone so well as they bonded over their cooking! Meanwhile he… photo bombed her and made her angry by not respecting cooking.

The first thing she didn’t seem to mind. If anything she seemed to think it was funny, him pretending to suffocate without oxygen like a dorky mortal (hey, how was HE supposed to know that MK and Pigsy wouldn’t realize he was joking). She looked at her phone and smiled at it in a way that felt more genuine than any other smile outside of the soft thankful one she shot MK after he thanked her for being so understanding and the ones she had while cooking with Pigsy.

But the one she shot them when they left was anything but genuine. He knew.

He’d worn the same one countless times before.

Maybe that was why he was buckling himself back into this rocket he had made while “borrowing” the staff from MK while he slept.

Maybe that’s why he actually attempted to fly this rocket the way he was supposed to, trying not to actually crash on the moon this time.

Maybe that’s why he hesitated for a few seconds longer than he wanted to before getting out and announcing his presence.

Maybe that’s why, when she rushed out of her garden and froze for only a second before leaping at him and enveloping him in a tight and warm hug, he leaned into it like he hadn’t ever before.

And maybe that’s why he asked her to show him her new mooncakes, let her lead him through her factory (her in turn letting him gush over every single bunny bot they came across, but especially the little shrunken one that he couldn’t help but want to carry around with them) and to the wide array of confectionery for them to partake in.

They stayed together for hours.

Mooncake after mooncake, far more than what a normal human could eat being no challenge to the Great Sage himself. The peach mooncakes were his favorite, because of course they were, but on this particular day he realized that ube was also a great flavor for him. He learned about how the moon goddess had set up her home and how she managed to broadcast her show to Earth. How she had a similar sense of humor to him, how she enjoyed dry and dark humor in the right way too, how she thought he had picked a wonderful successor and how she could see the difference MK was making in the world.

He also learned that when she laughed it sounded like wind chimes, almost. That she was just as happy to listen to him as he was to listen to her. That she enjoyed the tales he had to share about his journey that he never had the chance to tell anyone else.

He learned that she gave the best hugs, even if they were with one arm as they got tired and he realized he wouldn’t be able to fly home that night (day?). That she was more than happy to help him build a better ship or some kind of teleport device so that he could visit more. Could bring MK and Pigsy back. Bring more people.

Learned that she had the prettiest smile and eyes he’d ever seen.

Learned that, when she held onto his hand a little too long and a little too tight, that she may want him to stay longer.

Maybe… staying wouldn’t be so bad.

He should really learn to cook, eventually, if only to do something nice for MK. Who better to learn from?

And maybe they’d see where this all went. One day.

[kamuianiki]

so, after a long time the final movie released, how about a quick analysis about okikagu last shots interactions? let's go.

this was the first scene in the movie they appeared together in a frame, they didn't had much scenes of course, the movie was more focused on yorozuya and the final lessons with shoyo students and etc. but even though, our two beloved birds had a bit of the big cake. the movie was focused on the others but they had to have final interactions and the movie made that to prove >they< okikagu, are also one of the biggest developed relationships on the anime, that is impossible they keep at the same place and don't importunate each other, and always gonna be like that, even at the end.

this first scene was like "ooh, so you're here too Chihuahua? how you doing dumbass?" kagura's said a "oh hoo, so you finally admitted that yorozuya is stronger than you guys, yes?" I meant, she maybe tried to tease him saying that she's also stronger than him, as ever, sougo wasn't different, he answered her teasing back "what are you saying? if we're supposed to make a mess, is even much fun messing with idiots around." or saying, he was just maybe indirectly offending her too.

the thing that I love on them the most, they don't have cute interactions explicit, but even like this, I still ship them the way they are, I could translate this scene like "hi you dumbass idiot, are u still falling for me as ever?" and then "what do you meant with that? this question mean that you are also falling for me and want me to correspond you? idiot."

after all the movie battle scenes, we get at the end and the last scenes, where we also got THIS: the whole buffet we need to talk about.

I mean, when I saw the spoilers of this scene, my mind exploded, I freaked out because I wasn't expecting any much scene of them together, and then we received this, kagura just leaning her arm on sougo's shoulder. WHAT THE HELL. I said. THERE'S NO WAY THIS IS REAL.

with this scene I can say that, sorachi didn't made okikagu canon, but I think he wanted also to send the message that they ended the history as no more just the kids that used to hate and fight everytime like brats, but they ended as something more close, after all the battles the fought aside each other, learning to be comrades, to protect each other's back when in real danger, they are like rivals with respect, or rivals with intimacy enough to kagura have the freedom just to leaning her arm on her rival. the old brats okikagu never would even greet each other with hands, now you see this arm on shoulder thing? I call this glow up relationship.

just look at how EVERYBODY is standing on their own, but the two love birds have to be close with each other in touch. and also, kagura leaned her arm and sougo at first didn't even realized or minded. like was something normal and natural. like sometimes my girlfriend like to do that.

and then he went like, "okay enough, you can't have this much of taste without reciprocate" HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE THEEEEMMM!!! THATS MY COUPLE!!!! RIVALS TO LOVERS EXCELLENCE!!!!!!

conclusion

in the end, we didn't get the canon we wanted cause sorachi didn't wanted to canonize any couples at the history. but I think it's okay and I'm satisfied. after those final interactions, I believe and can imagine okikagu will no longer be just rivals forever. my bet is that they would eventually get closer and closer with each other and in time they would took a little more to develop ou realize their deep connection and feelings, and let me dream MORE, I did read i lot of fanfictions so for me they could even get married one day and have Souchirou, the headcanon okikagu child the fandom just created.

anyways, I love gintama is the my favorite anime ever, I'm super sad that ended and I will never see okikagu kicking each other anymore, but I love this whole anime sorachi maded and also my favorite rivals to lovers shipp. I hope you guys liked my analysis and lemme hear your opinions about okikagu at the end and what do you think they are now. thank u !!! <3

(remember their first meet? look just how far they got now.)

[ikaroux]

Xiao: Always (part 2) (EN)

f!reader

The Japanese dubbing of Kirito (Sword art online), helped me a lot to imagine how Xiao's emotions would be expressed.

The ost that inspired me a lot for most of the scenes:

Ori and the will of the wisps: Fading of the Light and The story of Niwen (The ost in general fits Xiao perfectly <3)

Masterlist

Part 1

You had been in Liyue for several months now for your research. You had met several people there, some of whom had turned into real friendships. Hu Tao, Ganyu and the lovely Qiqi were the only girls with whom you had formed a real friendship and then there was Mr. Zhongli with whom you liked to talk a lot.

But above all you met Xiao, a taciturn young man with a cold look in his eyes. After some research, you learned who he really was, a follower protecting Liyue at the risk of his life. He was also known as the last surviving Yaksha, fighting day and night against the emanations of the ancient evil gods killed by the Geo Archon.

Zhongli, who had revealed to you who he really was, often spoke to you about Xiao. Sometimes he would ask you to bring him some medicine specially designed for him to relieve the pain that was eating him up inside.

This was not a big problem for you, as you were staying at the Wangshu Inn. It was perfectly located in the centre of Liyue, making it easier for you to get to different research sites. Zhongli had explained to you that this inn was a front, built mainly to relieve Xiao a little from his eternal burden.

Since your meeting with the adept, you had never dared to call him, for fear of disturbing him. You simply left Zhongli's small gifts in his flats, placed prominently on the table in the centre of the room.

A gift... you had wanted to give him one for some time, but not knowing his tastes, it was difficult to decide. What if he doesn't like it? What if he got mad at you? What if... You then thought of the innkeeper in Wangshu who had known Xiao for a while, she must have known a thing or two about the follower's tastes!

After consulting Verr Goldet on what Xiao liked, she taught you how to prepare the young man's favourite dish. So you prepared tofu with almonds once or twice a week as a gift to him. But even so, he never deigned to show himself to you again.

Yet Xiao was never far from you, always hidden in the shadows watching you, protecting you from the dangers that lurked.

The bond he felt between you and him had never disappeared. Near you, all the pain, all the suffering he felt disappeared. He knew that you were human, so fragile, so fleeting compared to him who had lived for millennia, yet in his eyes you were a true goddess. The night he saw you surrounded by this halo of light, his world was turned upside down. Of course he had discussed this with his master, Morax, or rather Zhongli as he liked to be called from now on.

Xiao asked him during one of their conversations:

"I don't understand, I can never take my eyes off her and my heart - he placed his hand on his chest, clutching the white tunic he was wearing - hurts when I lose sight of her for even a few seconds. I don't understand... Sir Zhongli, I don't understand..."

His voice often broke at such moments. Zhongli then placed his hand on the follower's shoulder, a gentle smile on his face.

"Talk to him and you will finally understand. "he would say to her each time.

"I can't... If I stay around her too long... the darkness around me will eventually engulf her too. "

The sadness in Zhongli's eyes matched the sadness in Xiao's. The adept would often leave without the answer he so eagerly awaited, going to the balcony of the inn to sit on the railing and gaze at the stars. When his gaze turned to his room, more precisely to the small round wooden table in the centre, he was looking for proof of your presence. Almost every day you would leave him an offering, medicine, the almond tofu he loved so much, a flower, a mineral or an artefact you had found on your expeditions. Every little gift you gave him made him forget his torments for a short while, savouring the joy he felt at the time. He treasured every item you gave him, carefully stored in a small gold box encrusted with jade.

When the moon was high in the sky, Xiao would sometimes go to your room, passing by your balcony to see if you were sleeping. Sometimes he would go inside the moonlit room to see your sleeping face. He thought you were terribly beautiful, he had never been so fascinated by anyone, let alone a mortal. He would sometimes tuck a strand of your hair back behind your ear, slightly disturbing your sleep, and you would wrinkle your nose with a groan, causing him to back away hastily.

When Xiao was sure you were still asleep, he would take the opportunity to give you a gift of his own, placed on your bedside table.

As he did every night, he would end up sitting on the roof of your balcony watching for any threat to you.

By the time the sun came up, Xiao was already gone. When you woke up, you would find objects that were not there the day before. It could be a crystal nucleus or sometimes a Qingxin flower, which made you smile every time. You kept all the gifts he gave you as a treasure.

Today you had to go to Mondstadt to visit your friend Lisa, whom you had met in Sumeru. She had come one year to visit her former teachers, introducing herself to the students in the class. The two of you had talked a lot, creating a bond of friendship that you had maintained through correspondence.

In your last exchanges, she expressed a wish to see you, which you gladly accepted. You had planned to stay there for a week, so it was not surprising that you were preparing some things to take with you.

Even though your protector never showed up in front of you, at least not since that night when he gave you his name, you wanted to leave him a letter to explain that you would be back in Liyue in a week.

Before leaving, you left him a plate of tofu with almonds, your letter carefully placed next to the plate.

You didn't think that the wind would blow your letter away from him before he had even read it.

Xiao was accompanying Aether and two other companions for the day. They were to help him confront creatures once sealed in an ancient temple near the nine pillars of Cuijue Slope. The battle was long and difficult, but in the end they managed to exterminate the monsters, allowing Aether to retrieve the treasure that lay deep in the ruins. Xiao hurried back to the Wangshu Inn, feeling a bottomless pit forming inside him. He had been feeling uneasy for a while, a part of him wanted to make sure you were okay. When he arrived at his flat, he saw that you had left him a plate of tofu with almonds, and he took a bite, although he was too nervous to really enjoy them properly.

Xiao put his hand over his face in great pain.

His chest hurt terribly, the voices in his head tortured him again and his body seemed to be chained by the darkness inside him. Why was this? His karma hadn't weighed so heavily on him since he... since he... had met you.

He exhaled loudly, a sudden fear filling his body, making his hands tremble. Without further questioning, he quickly disappeared through his anemo vision and landed in your room. It was pitch black and looked horribly empty. The books usually scattered around your room were gone, your things were gone, your wardrobe was empty.

"No... no... don't go... (Y/n) don't go..."

His voice trembled in shock as his eyes still searched for traces of your presence.

"(Y/n)..."

Nothing. There was nothing. Nothing left. You were gone.

He couldn't even feel your presence on Liyue's land.

Had something happened to you? What if you had been attacked by monsters? The thought terrified him. He thought of your sleeping face, so peaceful. He thought of the promise he had made to himself to protect you.

Your absence was as painful to him as the day Aether told him Rex Lapis was dead. He couldn't bear it.

Xiao vowed to find you again and if you accepted him, he would stay by your side, he would not run away again.

He would listen to you sing again.

He searched for you for seven long days, which was a real physical and psychological torture for him. Aether, worried about his friend, helped him in his search, informing Zhongli, Ganyu and Hu Tao of your disappearance and the state in which the follower was.

Xiao always carried one of the gifts you had given him, holding on to it in the hope of finding you safe and sound.

With his mask over his face and his spear in hand, he slaughtered every hilichurl camp, hoping to find some trace of you, something that would prove to him that you were still alive. Disappointment after disappointment, the anger and hatred grew inside him every day, struggling to control it. He was leaving behind a pool of blood, soon he would sink into madness, feeling the sting of the karmic chains that made him sink a little deeper. How could he have formed such a strong bond with someone that he lost control?

"Xiao, we're going to find her. "

Zhongli's reassuring hand rested on the follower's shoulder.

Xiao had not removed his mask, but the former Geo Archon could still see tears of pain flowing from his eyes. His hand moved from his shoulder to the top of the young man's head. He knew what Xiao was going through, after all he too had lost loved ones in the past.

A varnished lily flower suddenly appeared under Xiao's nose. Ganyu held it out to him with a thin smile on his face. The Yaksha, who had watched you for a long time, knew that this flower was your favourite, many times he had seen you studying it, drawing it, smelling it, admiring it...

He could clearly see your face beaming as you drew it, singing a Sumeru tune.

He slowly grasped the flower that the young woman was holding out to him with renewed hope.

You had been leaving Lisa for a few hours now, promising her and your new friends that you would return to see them soon. You were anxious to get to the Wangshu Inn to rest. You missed your friends in Liyue and the absence of the Yaksha warrior around you left your heart empty.

You knew that he was never far from you. You knew that at night he sometimes stroked your hair, thinking you were asleep. You knew how soft his eyes were when he watched you draw.

You knew that he loved to listen to you sing.

Your lips curled upwards, happy at the idea of finding his presence. For this occasion you had grabbed an anemo crystal core which you intended to offer his.

When you reached the border between Mondstadt and Liyue, the atmosphere suddenly seemed heavy. You could not hear the birds singing, nor the wind cradling the trees.

Time seemed to stand still.

Alerted, you quickened your pace, crossing the wooden bridge that separated you from the shore.

The sudden sound of a branch breaking made you jump. You looked towards the source of the noise, finding yourself face to face with a Brutorocheux chief surrounded by some Brutoshamans and common Brutocollinus.

Your voice and body trembled.

"Why are they here? There have never been so many monsters on the border..."

The Brutocollinus came forward, threatening, it screamed, the breath knocking you to the ground. The smaller ones stepped forward, weapons in hand, while the Brutoshamans chanted their incantations.

Fear froze you in place, you were not a warrior, far from it. Your pupils dilated with fear and shook as the Brutoshaman ran towards you, fist in the air, ready to crush you. By reflex you had grown brambles around you to protect yourself.

But the creature in front of you was of a geo nature, impervious to the little thorns in your plants. Your trembling hand rose before you, summoning a flower capable of projecting poison, but again the monster crushed your hopes as did the flower beneath its feet.

"As long as you are in Liyue, I will protect you. Call me and I'll be there in a second."

Fear choked you, tears beading in the corners of your eyes as you remembered the words of the man you loved.

Xiao.

The sight of his gentle smile as he looked at you, thinking you hadn't noticed his presence.

Xiao.

The tender look in his eyes as he listened to you singing hidden behind a tree.

Xiao...

His hands savouring the feel of your hair between his fingers as you slept.

"XIAO! "

The moment you shouted his name, a gust of wind swept through the area. Blows rained down before you, and the brutocollinus and brutoshamans were the first to perish.

There he was, leaping to an inhuman height, a mask hiding his face and a menacing black aura covering him completely. The spear he always carried with him was pointed at the enemy as the Yaksha fell violently to the ground, sending out anemo illusions from his weapon that skewered the creature. He repeated his move once more, shattering its shell, before finishing it off by charging it with extreme speed. The Brutorocheux fell heavily to the ground, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Xiao moved his hand in front of his face, making his mask disappear, and then planted his spear on the ground. He ran towards you over the brambles you had created, not caring about the thorns that tore his legs. He knelt beside you, his eyes filled with terror and concern.

You looked into his eyes, shocked and trembling.

Finally you exploded, screaming and crying now that it was all over. You fell into his arms, your head resting in the crook of his neck, partially muffling your screams and tears.

He had found you. At last...

His heart broke free from its chains, relieved to see you safe and sound.

He felt as if his heart was going to burst out of his chest, so strong was it beating.

When he had reached you after your call and had seen you surrounded by monsters, monsters that were there because of him, because of the slaughter he had made in the camps of his creatures, the rage had risen in him. If you had been hurt because of him, he would never forgive himself.

He would never have forgiven himself.

He was surprised by your sudden embrace, not really knowing how he should react. What did humans do in such moments?

He raised his arms hesitantly, placing his hands gently on your back. Seeing that you didn't reject him, he hugged you a little tighter, soothing his soul and body with your warmth.

"Don't disappear again..."

His voice was husky, vibrant, emotion knotting his throat. He buried his nose in your hair, inhaling the scent of the flowers that covered you.

"Xiao..."

Your tears continued to fall as your hands clutched at his clothes.

He surprised you by planting a kiss on your neck. He left his face hidden there, not wanting to be seen so vulnerable. His trembling hands around you were more than enough to describe the emotions that were currently running through him.

When your tears stopped, his hands gently grasped your shoulders, pulling you back to get a better look at your face. He wiped away the tears that remained on your cheeks before placing the palm of his hand on them, caressing you with his thumb. Your hand joined his, closing your eyes to savour the sensation.

His forehead came to rest against yours, exhaling a shaky breath.

The happiness of finally having her so close to you involuntarily activated your dendro vision. Varnished lily flowers bloomed around you, and firefly-like particles of light swirled near your faces.

"Stay close to me. Always. "

"Always. "

Xiao didn't know exactly what he was doing as he tilted his head to your lips. The only thing he knew was that he wanted this connection badly.

The bond between you was stronger than any contract, he loved you, by the archons, he loved you more than anyone else.

An emotion so human but so beautiful...

Your lips... tasted like a sweet dream.

Bonus n°1:

"Ah, there they are! "

Paimon yelled to his companions, pointing at you and Xiao. Zhongli was the first to arrive and observed the scene unfolding before his eyes.

"XIAO! "

Paimon shouted, his voice carrying to you. Xiao parted violently from your lips, falling on his butt in the process, his face completely red with embarrassment.

Aether, who had arrived just after Zhongli, grabbed the little fairy in his arms, planting his hand over her mouth to silence her. Hu Tao and Ganyu were waving at you, reassured that you were okay. Xiao had completely forgotten that they had come with them.

He knew that with that chatty fairy and Hu Tao not far away, the rest of the day was going to be hell for him. He wanted to grab you in his arms and run away from his troubles, but when his gaze turned to Zhongli's, his heart was suddenly lighter with a burden. The gentle smile of his master and the kindly gaze he projected upon him broke the last remaining chains of doubt within him.

Bonus #2:

Xiao had offered you on the way back the varnished Lily flower that Ganyu had given him earlier, hanging it in your hair. You walked behind your companions towards the Wangshu Inn, laughter and loud discussions (too loud for his taste) were going on.

Xiao stood very close to you without physically touching you. You never took your eyes off his face, which he noticed. He abruptly turned his head in the opposite direction, the tips of his ears glowing crimson, forcing an affectionate smile on your face.

After a few minutes of silent walking between the two of you, he finally asked you a question.

"Why did you leave? -He looked at you again, his eyes full of emotion-"I thought you were gone forever...or worse, dead. "

His voice trembled at the thought, making your eyes widen. In a comforting gesture, you grabbed his hand, interlacing your fingers with his. The gesture surprised him, he was not used to physical (or emotional!) contact.

"Didn't you read my letter? "

Xiao blinked, once, twice, three times.

"What letter? "

"The one I left on the table next to the tofu dish. "

Xiao's face became totally impassive. He tried to piece together a visual image of his room in his mind, seeing your dish on his table very clearly, but no matter how hard he concentrated, no letter came to him.

"There was no letter. "

"Oh... Maybe it was blown away then?"

Xiao remained silent as you explained that you had gone to see a friend in Mondstadt. He listened to you without really listening, an array of emotions passing through his eyes. He needed someone to blame, anyone he could vent his anger and frustration on.

The wind... The wind...

A malevolent smile spread across his face and his amber eyes glowed with a menacing gleam.

He brought his hand up to his face, a gesture he made to reveal his Yaksha mask.

His hoarse voice whispered dangerously:

"Barbatos..."

Further on, in Mondstadt, Venti felt a shiver run through his body, freezing him in place.