#for sometimes hours at a time :c
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Computer, stop running the suicide simulations.
Computer, stop.
Stop please.
#vent post#actually ocd#my brain (Computer) likes to show me detailed sensory experiences where it makes up how it would feel and look to commit die in various ways#on loop#for sometimes hours at a time :c#this ship needs repairs so bad :\#software updates pleeeeeease#reprogram me
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also "textless" versions of these, wahooo
#corned beef#joe iconis christmas extravaganza#bsol#speaking of >:3 & >:3 third time's the >:3 in successfully slammed both up against the window of joe iconis's car (twitter @'d & Seen)#which is really just a :3 but whom among us (orchestra hit) is not a little impish with it#first year i did fanart like wouldn't it be fun if joe saw & liked this. second yr like Same plus it did happen last time#then also recency Fun Times bias sure but he did make it a frame in his End Of Year Good Times Celebration video like >:'3#yes i draw exactly what i wanna draw b/c it's some specific thing i enjoy that much so Yep that is the xmas show to me#so powerfully i was moved like ooh fun xmas villain wrole?? in '19 when i was paying attention & relieved of some bmc closure malaise#by the xmas show but obv Least aware / knowledgable lol. technically showed up in '18 around nov/dec but no chance Right then of tuning in#i mean i had the capacity but did not know it existed / even Less helpful preexisting context. anyway so by the time the show returns#& i've done research in between & gone my god i am i live laugh loving like Yeah i'll do more fanart & omg cyril & omg krampusfucking#able to ramp it up this year & like just thanks to Drawing Experience i'm better at forging ahead through thee process even when it's#extra ambitious like my god am i in over my head? well keep swimming for the surface like only several times going [aaa....] only to yknow#not be that tripped up anyway but still go [(celebrate) christmas!!! (with me)] & be like Do It For The Krampusfucking Gift#one post for another like lighting up my life joe just coming out like ''who wants clips. first up Full Cyril Fucks The Krampus number''#like jeez made that happen And passed it along....it's always the like epitome of my art like i make the specific often really niche stuff#i really respond to; does anyone else enjoy this? if yes; Wheeee; sometimes this is also ppl Behind the really niche shit i enjoy#like i truly hope you do get that kick out of it as i slam it up to the window; worth a Highlight Of Your Year or not#the power of [i do like to Draw the things i latch on to] + [internet] for you#really the bsol design even More an event in ''how did i even do this'' b/c even when planning to make it slightly easier like well#fewer figures; i'll use ink pen so i hone the lineart less than i would to precisely get [line weight mostly irrelevant] Line Geometry#yet still going ruh oh i'm honing for sure. but then like did Most of the lineart all in one night + all the coloring the next round#when i draw quite slowly / the Honing is virtually always an inextricable part of my process like i do Nothing in less than Hours#like i think even my freewheeling bsol sketches posted just this morning took me at Least an hour; judging by vids i played in the bg lol#not quite calibrated to have Attuned Confidence In My Ability To Forge Ahead thusly like oh no if i don't have Momentum or it doesn't#happen to be one of those times things just spontaneously come out great right off without more honing / consideration we're fucked....#not actually the case but yknow still realizing this lol But still able to just pat myself on the shoulder like It's Manageable & it is/was
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Self-indulgent sketch....
#pmatga#my art#betrayus#going back to my roots for a second and drawing him all beast-y because I like drawing monsters :)c#or at least a /version/ of him#this was originally supposed to be like. the internal inferno™ that is Betrayus's mind but put into the personification of...#whatever that thing is lol#it's also sort of a way to get my own frustrations out because honestly. i feel like whatever he's got goin' on up there sometimes#not all the time! but sometimes!#*5 hour later edit. I put “get outta of my head” instead of “get out of my head” but I fixed it 👍
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hiii 🤍 i need to know more about mr. reca but entirely from your perspective. i’m giggling when you post about him :3 can’t wait for his playable version just to see you lose your head over his voicelines and animations ✨
hi hi sweet manu!! (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡ ohhhhh my gosh i have not finished the mission yet so i am still learning about him BUT it’s actually embarrassing how obsessively in love i am with him already!!! >.< rest assured, i will probably post an obscene amount about him n my thoughts on him throughout this mission waaah oh ehehe i’m so glad that my reca insanity at least brings a smile to your face!! :3 PLEASE HAHAHA IT’S GOING TO BE SO HUMILIATING FOR ME LMAOOOOOOOOO
#always so so lovely to see you in my inbox!! ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)#i would very much like to stop by yours sometime soon (*ﾉωﾉ)ᵉᵉᵏ#sending much love your way darling <3#anyway yEAH i am glad i can at least amuse as i lose every shred of my sanity over the director man HEHE#i’m like two-ish hours into the mission???#but idk how much i am *actually* into the mission because i’ve been spending an absurd amount of time taking screenshots LMAOOO#of reca n boothill c:#i am verrrrryyyy excited to see what direction they end up taking mr reca’s character in tho!!!#inky.manu#clari gets mail
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"U-umm..."
God, Komaru thinks, why do her nerves always have to kick in at times like these? Steeling her courage, she takes a deep breath and tries to stand confidently, though it wouldn't surprise her if she just ends up looking ridiculous instead.
In her defense... the person standing before her is rather intimidating. With eyes that seem almost empty, but a gaze that's full of something incomprehensible - he stands tall above her, making her feel strangely small in a way that's hard to explain. Still, though. She can't back out now!
"Can I talk to you for a moment? I know I'm a stranger and all, but - I swear it's important!"
@91cmspoilers ( starter! )
#ic#91cmspoilers#v. mainverse.#c. komaru.#THIS IS SO RIDICULOUSLY LATE I AM SO SORRY..............#but!! it's finally komaru hours!! i hope this works alright <33#i still haven't finished udg (thanks executive dysfunction) but i'm working through it & i couldn't help but want to throw her at you anywa#so! lmk if you want any changes haha#i kind of figured this could be set sometime before the tragedy maybe but if that doesn't work; any time is fine tbh#no worries if it's been too long and you'd rather not turn continue into a thread; but either way; thank you for your patience! <3
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Boston T (subway) to the beach
so i was just reminded recently that some folks i know who regularly use the T (boston subway), but aren't from boston did not know that you can take the T to the beach
here's how to get from some subway stops to the beach, for those unfamiliar:
Wonderland Station (Blue line) is literally on the beach. Get out of the station, and you will see the beach across the street. (Revere Beach) (subway stop to beach distance: literally across the street) .
JFK UMass (Red line) exit via Columbia Road, walk ~0.25 miles (400 meters) north/east along Columbia road (it turns into William J Day boulevard at the traffic circle) and you'll see the beach (Carson Beach) (subway stop to beach distance: ~ a quarter mile) .
Savin Hill (Red line): walk a third of a mile southeast along Savin Hill ave and you'll be right there (Malibu Beach) (subway stop to beach distance: ~1/3 mile) .
Orient Heights (Blue line): walk a third mile west along Bennington, you'll see a pedestrian bridge to your left with a sign for the beach. cross it, and you're there. (Constitution Beach) (subway stop to beach distance: ~half a mile)
.
the beaches in question:
Revere Beach:
Carson Beach:
Malibu Beach:
Constitution Beach:
Hope this helps someone!
#boston#beaches#boston t#revere beach#carson beach#malibu beach (boston)#constitution beach#i've said the word beach so many times now it doesn't feel like real word anymore#I lived very close to a T stop for a decade and didn't find out about this until my last few months there#and I know several people in the same boat#there are many more beaches in boston easily accessible by bus (constitution beach also has a bus stop right at the pedestrian bridge)#but i was not a fan of boston buses when i lived there#i remember sometimes waiting an hour for a bus and then three show up at once; that sort of thing :-(#(though i've heard they've improved a lot b/c mayor michelle wu made it a huge priority#and also made a bunch of bus lines free to encourage use which is great!)
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on my way to scream ceaselessly into the void does anyone want anything
#sometimes you just have to s c r e a m when you get out of a meeting#so that you don't do something like call someone a myopic egocentric fuckass who just wasted over an hour of my time#to explain that of course a fucking tool that we bought for organizing and facilitating work#is not going to exactly replicate a custom worklist spreadsheet you made for yourself#bc it's not fucking designed to do that and /it's not working/ is not accurate bc it's doing what it's supposed to#you're just asking a fish to climb a fucking tree you absolute fucking walnut#🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬#the continuing adventures of being a working adult
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remembering i have to work tomorrow and cannot stay home and continue to indulge in my hobbies
#c shut up#some sundays hit me harder than others and this is one of them#i feel so behind in everything in terms of like media and games and it stresses me out sometimes LOL#every time i get a spoiler for g*nshin's events because i don't have the time/willpower to do them the second they come out </3#when i see spoilers for shows i want to watch/am watching slowly because people post untagged spoilers literal hours after it comes out </3#im a hater idc like shut the fuck up and let people experience it for themselves too :( stop posting spoilers untagged like at least give#it like a week????#at least???????#pls#its SO disheartening
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#tag talk#an hour into space odyssey and it finally gets good cause they introduce Hal#ten minutes after the person I was watching with gave up and went to bed.#Kubrick please this first hour was fucking boring as hell#I heard so much about how the cut between the apes to modern times is so good but genuinely I paused it and rewound five times while laughin#like... this? this is the scene transition I've heard people fan over?#anyway. I muted the movie audio and put Nyan cat and ancient aliens and stayin alive over different scenes and it was great#gonna hang on to the rest of the movie because Hal just murdered someone so maybe it's good enough to watch with someone#ngl this is why I sometimes prefer watching movies alone. I can watch a bad movie with no fear of what my companion thinks#I don't have to hold room for “oh no what if they're not enjoying it? what if they wish we were watching something else”#it always comes down to that damn social anxiety doesn't it#like. I'm not interested in watching cats 2019 really. though I've gotten part way through it with various people#but I genuinely think I could watch the whole thing if I were alone. I don't care enough to. but I think I could#because watching the cats movie with someone sparks that secondhand embarrassment and cringe#anyway go watch that contrapoints video on cringe and shame and social behavior policing it's pretty good#all this to say. 2001 a space odyssey is very very boring#like. it's slow but not in the way Jaws is slow. that one actually succeeds with the anticipation and suspense. space odyssey doesn't#maybe it's partly because I've read the book? (Arthur C Clarke sci-fi is mid that's my hot take) but I don't feel like that's it#there's just no suspense where there obviously is supposed to be. the grand symphonic music in the background feels paper thin veneer#it's a grandiose front to a hollow scene.#also the flight stewardesses supposed to be walking in zero g with velcro shoes are doing such a bad job of it.#literally the first scene we see the shoes they zoom in and we explicitly see her rebalance catch her weight#CATCH HER WEIGHT - IN ZERO GRAVITY?????#anyway. I'm mad about that
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oh cool having one of my mystery allergy days again!
#and i still cannot figure out what is causing this#it feels like a very strong hay fever attack#but a) it happens randomly throughout the year#(not just the usual hay fever season i'm used to)#b) it only happens every couple weeks or even months#and c) it happens in completely random places#so it's not something seasonal#it's not something at my apartment (like pets or mold etc)#cause it also happens at work or at someone else's place#or even randomly outdoors#so my best guess is literally#that there is something rare#that's just randomly in the air sometimes#and i'm allergic to it??#i don't fucking know lol#it's just annoying since it really knocks me out#for a few hours at a time#haven't had one in months#at least eventually my allergy meds do work
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well. my roommate of 5 years is moving out!
#to be clear we have been best friends all that time up until last november#she's been changing a lot for a little over a year#and now wants to move way outside of the city to be A. safer and B. live alone and C. closer to her girlfriend#go girl isolate yourself more why don't you#god i fucking hate her sometimes#sorry but what kind of friend has the audacity to tell me that the friendship has been ''lacking'' since we graduated yet has not once#organized or invited me/any of our friends to anything?? like she just shows up when we all organize something and invite her#and yeah obvi we are gonna do that less after we graduated bc it's trickier to organize plans#BUT THE LACK OF EFFORT IS NOT ON ME OK SHE HASNT INVITED ME ANYWHERE EVER OK BYE#there's more to it than that im just complaining abt this specific issue today#i would say the rats and the poisoning and the yelling at me for an hour straight and telling me im selfish for wanting to eat dinner#when she knows my history#are definitely worse but. goddamn.#lol anyways she is gonna be so sad and lonely and i cannot wait for it to not be my problem! her shitty studio apartment is gonna be ugly 2#like she only sees me and her gf anymore basically bc she told me she wants to cut ties with most everyone from college#including our best friend#who is currently grieving her dead brother#and she said to me. literally. ''i was thinking of cutting ties a few months ago but then he died and so that was really inconvenient for me#like i wish i was joking#the only thing i can say is that she doesnt live in reality#i get to keep the house and the furniture (new roommate has to pay her back) so i win!
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Hmn. Got a power flicker. Then another. Okay, storm, I hear you. Time to turn off my computer and hope I don't lose power.
This is the heaviest rain I've heard in a long time. But man, I don't want to lose power again. When it goes out, I don't get it back for like 24 hours.
Oh what?? Thunder?? Neat!
(for context, it thunders like six times a year in/around Seattle. So, for there to be thunder and heavy rain — when it's normally a very light rain when it does — means this is quite the storm)
#haedia does life#weather#weather is being fucky#thunder#heavy rain#hope I don't lose power#i have a full gallon of milk in my fridge#i don't want to lose that like last time#last month#ugh#last time I lost power for 36ish hours#>:c#seattle#sometimes sucks#usually not though
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:( stayed up until 4 AM doomscrolling on tags i know are bad for my mental health againnnnnnnn
#my post#let’s just say the amount of straight up r*df*ms in the tr*ns community is. um. CONCERNING!#g*nder ecc*ntialism post yadyadya#if you think it’s tr*nsm*sog*mystic for tr*nsm*scs to simply talk about their own struggles using their own language gtfo#why do some tr*nsf*ms act like the mere existence of tr*nsm*scs is a sleight in their f*mininity#veeeeery f*scist Our Ememy is both Weak (whiny little bitch th*yfabs) and Strong (scary patriarchal m*n) at the same time rhetoric#we literally swap from one to the other depending on what’s convinent for their argument. sometimes in the same post!!!#‘tr*nsandr*ph*bia truthers are reactionary anti f*minist M R A s’#we’re reactionaries?? okay. not like these people’s entire political stance hinges on putting other people down#I’m simply trying to live my life and be able to talk about my struggles without fearing that someone will React#and jump down my throat for DARING to not center tr*nsw*men in my discussion about….. being tr*nsm*sc.#there’s a reason I only make these posts 1) in the wee hours of the morning when my self control is low and 2) heavily censored#I hope I have made it abundantly clear that I only have an issue with ideologies that implicitly or explicitly disregard my identity#and not like. tr*nsf*ms as a whole. I love my sisters :((((((#why must we fight.#also last thing but since when has f*minism not included tr*ns OR c*s m*n lol#the p*triarchy and toxic m*asculinity is bad for LITERALLY everyone#these people seemingly have no concept of inters*ctionality or allysh*p or s*lidariry#you are not going to get anywhere by isolating yourselves as the One True Oppr*ssed Class#everyone else’s oppr*ssion is either lesser / nonexistent / actually a priv*lege somehow#make it make sense
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my tags got out of hand
i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
#oh my god i’m not the only person in the whole world who has Struggles and Difficulties#i am in pharmacy school which means i have no money no time etc and so every single thing that would bring an iota of joy or escape#must be cut for time because you haven’t studied for your exam next month so no you cannot start watching that the show.#and because you missed the deadline two weeks ago for that group project that the others did for you there will be no sitting at the piano#also you made a c and not a b on the exam yesterday so maybe instead of ordering takeout like you said you were going to#(because you know that you don’t buy real food on the rare occasion you go to the grocery store)#instead you’re gonna have to pick through your bare cabinets and empty fridge freezer for something. or just not eat#like you sometimes do#this is not a problem bc you’ve saved your money which you can’t afford to waste#that’s what they told you when you started: tell your friends you can’t see them much because a doctoral program is a time commitment#they said: you need to quit your side hustles and get an internship#they said: you need to ask for cleaning supplies for your birthday—and clothes and shoes bc tuition is very expensive#this isn’t some deficiency on your part. everyone else lives in isolation with no hobbies or entertainment too.#the only difference is that THEY spend all that time studying and reviewing and working and preparing—#while YOU are laying in bed all day because the thought of writing that paragraph is nauseating and tomorrows exam is slowly enveloping you#and you can tell because you had to retake those 2 classes and you have to retake another one this summer.#never mind that you still don’t know anything. just keep playing the part. stay afloat until this week’s exam is over#then you can worry about next week’s exams#(you WILL worry about next week’s exams)#learning the ukulele isn’t going to ease your stress it’s just gonna make you feel guilty#what do you mean you already feel guilty because you’ve pulled the ukelele out exactly twice since mom gave it to you for christmas?#that webseries updates 4 times a week. can you honestly tell me that you have 4 hours a week where you don’t feel shame#about not exceeding expectations anymore?#i thought not. close your compute— you didn’t even take it out of your bag.#do you ever take it out of your bag at home?#you don’t.#well i can see why you’re such a fucking failure#it’s 3:27 am but i won’t bother telling you to shower or brush your teeth- i know you don’t do that.#you went to bed three and a half hours ago now it’s time to sleep#maybe we’ll see what tomorrow has for us
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#ooc post.#.vat file#I am!! very grumpy c:#I finished work at 6 and my mum was supposed to pick me up.#sometimes I could be late if I'm stuck on a call but like. my mum and my kid can sit in the car with the heating on#but they were late picking me up. and didn't let me know. so I waited outside my work. in 2 degrees (c). for over half an hour.#I tried calling her like 3 times and she didn't hear it apparently. and I wasn't dressed for being out in the cold...#if I knew they were gonna be late fine I would've waited inside. but they didn't let me know.#so now I'm freezing and probably have a cold. it's only 7 but I went straight to bed bc I'm cold and fed up.#/rant off#like idk I feel like I sound ridiculous I'm in my 30s and my mum drives me around but we live together and I can't learn to drive so#if I had to get buses I would've worn something warmer and would've been prepared like it doesn't really compare#idk idk idk....... I'm just. annoyed.
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you ever reread something you wrote and just go "ah... the word salad was strong in this one"
#sometimes it can produce absolute bangers#but the vast majority of the time is just nonsense :c#overall it sucks living life not realizing when your words come out wrong right away#sometimes i can catch it quickly but often itll take me hours or days to even notice#sometimes i wonder what things ive said or written that i never realized...
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