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nerianasims · 4 years ago

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Billboard #1s 1976

Under the cut.

Bay City Rollers – “Saturday Night” -- January 3, 1976

They prove they can spell Saturday a lot. Anyway, he's going out to dance with his girl on Saturday night. The song is bouncy to a fault -- I feel like the repetitive, samey beat is following one of those balls the mind-controlled kids bounced in A Wrinkle in Time. It sounds like a cheerleading chant. Something to do aerobics to, not to dance to.

C.W. McCall – “Convoy” -- January 10, 1976

So, besides the cb radio fad, 1976 was also the year of the OPEC oil crisis and basically, it seems the reason truckers became folk heroes evading The Man in popular consciousness had its roots in international relations. Anyway, it's a baritone story song, but about truckers instead of cowboys. I like the verse, "Well, we shot the line and we went for broke/ With a thousand screamin' trucks/ An' eleven long-haired Friends o' Jesus/ In a chartreuse micro-bus." It's a silly song with a lot of trucker lingo (or fake trucker lingo, idk), and I don't exactly dislike it, but I'm not gonna listen to it again either.

Barry Manilow – “I Write The Songs” -- January 17, 1976

It's obvious from the first lines "I've been alive forever/ And I wrote the very first songs" that Barry's not singing about himself. It turns out "music" wrote the all the songs. Except that's obnoxious too. People wrote the songs. Also possibly birds, but definitely people. And it's musical goo.

Diana Ross – “Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know Where You’re Going To)” -- January 24, 1976

It's a song about regretting letting an ex go, and probably more. There's a ton of orchestration that sounds like it belongs in a lightweight movie, and Diana Ross doesn't put much emotion into it. It is a thoughtful song, rather than one calling for melodrama, but I would like to hear some emotion here, and I am not getting it. A trifle light as air.

Ohio Players – “Love Rollercoaster” -- January 31, 1976

It's a funk/disco thing. I've listened to it three times trying to get anything from it at all. The lyrics are dumb, asserting love is like this or that amusement park experience. I'd think "love rollercoaster" would be about how there are huge highs and terrifying lows, but it's not. It's horribly repetitive. I guess it's danceable. But I find it dull.

Paul Simon – “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” -- February 7, 1976

I love how pared down this song is. It's sort of funky, without all the funk orchestration. The simple drums are the main focus. The melody's also simple, without being dull. And the lyrics aren't complex; a woman is encouraging the narrator to leave his official lover for her. "Just get yourself free." But she's doing it so very nicely -- "I wish there were something I could do to make you smile again." Not that the song expects us to believe she or the narrator actually are nice. Or that it's really all that easy to leave your lover. But it doesn't tell you what to think about the situation either. An excellent song.

Rhythm Heritage – “Theme From S.W.A.T.“ -- February 28, 1976

Apparently, there was a TV show about S.W.A.T., and this was its instrumental theme song. Which is exactly what it sounds like. Not a good TV theme either. I looked up 1976 shows, and here are some shows with better TV themes from that year: Charlie's Angels, Alice, M*A*S*H, Happy Days (which surprisingly only hit #5), All in the Family, Barney Miller, Welcome Back Kotter (which hit #1 later), The Jeffersons (that Movin' On Up doesn't seem to have been a hit is shocking), The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Sanford and Son, The Bob Newhart Show... look, all of them. All shows in 1976 that I can find had better theme songs than S.W.A.T., often to a staggering degree. But songs don't reach #1 for being good. Still, usually I can hazard a reason for them. I can't for this one.

The Four Seasons – “December, 1963 (Oh, What A Night)” -- March 13, 1976

It's about the narrator getting laid for the first time. He didn't even know the name of the woman, which completely undercuts anything happy or fun about this song for me, and makes it icky. At least it's not falsetto. I wasn't born when it came out, yet it was overplayed on the oldies stations in the 90s so much that I developed a deep and abiding hatred for it.

Johnnie Taylor – “Disco Lady” -- April 3, 1976

This is a song about disco that isn't a disco song. As such, it confuses me. It's kind of a mild funk/soul song, and it's about how turned on this guy is watching a woman disco. Johnnie Taylor can definitely sing, and I'd like to hear some more traditional soul/jazz stuff from him. This isn't doing it for me.

The Bellamy Brothers – “Let Your Love Flow” -- May 1, 1976

I saw the title and immediately the song shoved itself into my head. It's such a mellow song, but the hook is still monstrous. The song is about how it's the season for love, so grab your lover and "let your love flow." It's one of many 70s songs about sex that sounds like it could be a song about how pretty trees are. It kind of is about how pretty trees are too. I rather like it.

John Sebastian – “Welcome Back” -- May 8, 1976

Welcome Back, Kotter was not on Nick at Nite or WGN or anything else that ran old TV shows when I was watching TV (rather than the internet), so I've never seen it. The theme song lays it all out -- someone moves back to his old neighborhood, where they need him. As TV theme songs go, it's fine. Just fine, though. When "Movin' On Up" and "Love Is All Around" were also theme songs for TV shows in 1976, why this one? The rewards of mediocrity I guess.

The Sylvers – “Boogie Fever” -- May 15, 1976

It's literal. You come in contact with someone who can't stop boogie-ing, and you will catch the Boogie Fever yourself. Listening to the song will certainly make you want to boogie, unless you are immune. A fun dance song, and I wouldn't be surprised if Tik-Tok made it a hit again in the next year.

Wings – “Silly Love Songs” -- May 22, 1976

"Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs / What’s wrong with that?" Nothing. Paul even emphasizes something important in it: "Love isn't silly at all." Still, I can't say it's one of my favorites. I get tired of it about halfway through, and it's a long song. A silly love song shouldn't be nearly 6 minutes long.

Diana Ross – “Love Hangover” -- May 29, 1976

It starts with Diana Ross making sex sounds that I find embarrassing. Then she goes into singing about how she doesn't want to get over "the sweetest love hangover", and a minute and a half in it becomes a disco song. I find the entire thing irritating.

Starland Vocal Band – “Afternoon Delight” -- July 10, 1976

"Afternoon delight" is sex, but these doofuses may as well be singing about tea and scones for all the excitement this song has. It still doesn't deserve the hatred it's gotten. But it's not good either. The number of sexless sex songs in the 70s is just... ugh.

The Manhattans – “Kiss And Say Goodbye” -- July 24, 1976

He has to break up with the person he's been cheating with. It's an achingly sad Philly soul song. It also manages to be way sexier than the vast majority of 70s sex songs. Real emotion (or the ability to fake real emotion) does a lot, as does being able to sing like this. And beautiful backing music. It's so sad, and so good.

Elton John & Kiki Dee – “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” -- August 7, 1976

This song isn't mutual. Elton John's the one who sings "don't go breaking my heart," and Kiki Dee's the one singing "I won't go breaking your heart." It is all and entirely and completely about the male character's feelings. Of course it's an Elton John song so I wouldn't like it anyway, but I really don't like this one, especially because it still gets airplay.

Bee Gees – “You Should Be Dancing” -- September 4, 1976

I hate the Bee Gees. Not on a personal level -- as far as I know they're perfectly decent people -- but their music. And I have a particular hatred for Barry Gibb's voice. His horrible falsetto has caused me immense pain in my life. If I should be dancing, then they need to shut up and sit down and let a band that I can dance to take the stage. As it is, I feel like a dog during the 4th of July; I just want to hide under a bed.

KC & The Sunshine Band – “(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty” -- September 11, 1976

Here's a command to dance that I can get behind. Or that my behind can get behind. Again, a great song for dancing but not for listening to from KC & The Sunshine Band.

Wild Cherry – “Play That Funky Music” -- September 18, 1976

Good for both dancing and listening. How you can listen and not get into that funk groove even when sitting, though, I don't know. Play that funky music till you die.

Walter Murphy & The Big Apple Band – “A Fifth Of Beethoven” -- October 9, 1976

This was the #1 hit the week I was born. It's a good one for me; it's by a guy who loved classical music enough to write contemporary music based on it. Whenever I'm faced with questions about what kind of music is my favorite, my answer is "the good kind." Anyway, this is a fun song.

Rick Dees And His Cast Of Idiots – “Disco Duck (Part 1)” -- October 16, 1976

Billboard used to base their hit songs on calling record stores and asking what was selling. I think that's how this stupid, stupid song reached number one. I think it was a prank by a bunch of stoned college kids who co-ordinated it over cb radio or something. It's about a duck. Who discos. With an obnoxious voice and obnoxious music. It's by a radio dj, and is as painfully unfunny as radio djs usually are.

Chicago – “If You Leave Me Now” -- October 23, 1976

This song makes me have a weird reaction. It gives me the warm, comfortable fuzzies, and makes me want to sleep. That last part might not be too surprising, as it is a soft song, but to me it is very much more than that. I have always had trouble sleeping at night, since birth. My parents hit on putting me into the car and driving around with soft music playing to get me to go lights out. I need to ask them if they played Chicago during that. I can't think of any other reason for my hindbrain association with this szzzzzzz....

Steve Miller Band – “Rock’n Me” -- November 6, 1976

Good bar rock, since it's the Steve Miller Band. Lyrically, it's also more complex than most of its genre. At first, he sings "I got to please my sweet baby, yeah." Then he starts singing about all the places he's been, including "Northern California where the girls are warm." And then "Babe, you know you are a friend of mine/ And you know that it's true/ That all the things that I do/ Are gonna come back to you in your sweet time." Well then. I can totally see @katatty's Duncan Huckleberry singing this song. And getting away with everything. It's a fun song, though (because?) the narrator is likely a dirtbag.

Rod Stewart – “Tonight’s The Night (Gonna Be Alright)” -- November 13, 1976

It's a sex song, and it is hugely skeevy. "Don't deny your man's desire/ You’d be a fool to stop this tide / Spread your wings and let me come inside." No, asshole, cover it up if you want to come near. And how about if you want her, you care something about her desire? This was a huge hit from a huge star, but I have never heard it until now. Ugh. I need to shower, this is gross. Also I hope whoever he's singing to is packing mace.

BEST OF 1976 -- "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." I don't even think it's an amazing song, just a very good one, but the 1976 #1s don't leave me much to work with. Fleetwood Mac released some singles, but people wanted "Disco Duck" rather than "Over My Head." Tons of great music has survived from 1976, but most of it is not on this list. WORST OF 1976 -- "Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright)". "Disco Duck" is stupid, but it doesn't make my skin crawl.

#billboard number ones

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sarakuper · 5 years ago

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Cali; the salsa capital

Stop #10, February 11-17

We landed in Cali late Tuesday night and got to our hostel, The Pelican Larry. Our “private bedroom” was awkwardly filled with one queen bed and two sets of bunk beds… and a bunch of skeeters!

Wednesday we walked around, ate a delish vegetarian lunch, and attempted to go to the river to cool down. After traveling about 45 minutes by bus, we waited for next one we needed to take, but it never showed. There’s a chance this bus only ran on Saturday’s but honestly we weren’t too sure. It was already 4pm by the time we decided to turn around, since we were warned to leave the river by 5 for safety. Even though our plans for the day totally failed, I still thought the bus system here is actually pretty impressive.

Back at the hostel other travelers, including 3 German girls traveling on their gap year, invited us to visit Cristo Rey to watch the sunset. We ended up being a group of 8, taking two cabs to get there. We enjoyed the views and the sunset, then Sean, myself and two others went for a vegan dinner in town that was cheap and yummy.

That night several of us played games at the hostel around a big table and eventually got ready to go out for salsa. We went to La Topa Tolondra, a famous salsa club. I thought I knew some salsa from when I traveled in Peru but Cali salsa is so different!!! I knew almost nothing of the dance moves. Cali is known for salsa and their nightlife so even though Sean and I are early birds, I did my best to embrace this. Sean wasn’t thrilled to go out, especially for salsa, but he came for me.

The next day we slept in late missing the free (and basic) breakfast by the hostel. I spent all day working on some applications for jobs while Sean did Duolingo for hours. I didn’t know it until later but he was very determined to exceed my XP. Only duolingo-ers will understand that reference (Sue gets it)! The rest of the day was spent working on extending our travel visa and participating in an interview to volunteer at the spanish school we went to when we first arrived in Colombia. In the evening I joined the free intro to Cali Salsa dance class offered by the hostel. It was actually pretty fun, and a nice way to meet other travels too. And after learning all the basic steps, of course I wanted to go ahead and practice what I learned!

Later that night many of us went out again, and since I felt safe to go with this group of people Sean stayed back since it was not interesting to him. The salsa bar we went to this night was called Tintindeo and was so much fun! I enjoyed it much more than the other salsa club because it felt more like a bar you could hang out in and also dance salsa with a lot less intimidation. The salsa club from the previous night was slightly awkward in that you were either dancing salsa or awkwardly watching along the side lines. Tintindeo has fun lights, and all of the salsa teachers were there (probably to encourage people to purchase private salsa lessons with them) and they were amazing to dance with! Of course they know you are learning, but some are better than others in leading and two of the teachers in particular made me feel like I knew what the hell I was doing!! By the end of the night I was super sweaty; I knew I had tried my best!

Around 1 am the bar came to a close and the group I was with wanted to head to a raggaeton club nearby. Since it was considerably early I went along, but when I got there I felt like it was sketchy and the best of the night was behind us. I’ve learned that usually “the next place” is never as good as the first when the first one was a blast. So why stay out? I decided to leave, and so a friend put me in a cab to assure I’d get back safe. During the ride I followed the blue dot on my phone on google maps to ensure the driver was taking me to the right place. All was good, and even though Sean locked me out of the room on accident, the 24 hour host was able to let me in.

There had been a lot of talk about ELN, a guerrilla group still remaining in Colombia, engaging in a violent protest from Friday - Sunday, February 14-16. Talk was that the cities were safe, but the small towns outside the city were not. We heard of tourists being told not to take busses between cities for their own safety. Afraid of this threat, we decided to extend our initial 3 day visit to Cali into a 6 day visit. We changed hostels on Friday and stayed until Monday morning, when it was reportedly safe to travel again.

This next hostel, Green House, was very quiet and relaxed. There were only 3 other tourists staying, 2 of them being Israeli’s on their gap year after the army. I love meeting Israeli’s because I feel like I have so much to talk about with them; being jewish, my family in Israel, and having visited the country many times. Usually when I travel to Central or South AmericaI meet many Israeli’s, but being there for 2 months at this point, these two were the first ones we met!

After attempting to cook some version of the delicious lentil patties we’ve been eating (total fail btw) we got ready to go out to experience another club, this time not for Salsa. After reading a lot about Cali I understand now that their nightlife really is the main attraction of visiting Cali, and so this would be my 3rd night in a row going out! Sean was being a trooper and coming along with me. I had hoped the lack of salsa would make it more interesting for him.

I had a few drinks with the Israeli’s while we talked a bunch. Sean didn’t feel like joining the conversation even though I tried to include him time and time again, as did the two Israeli’s, he didn’t budge. Sometimes it’s hard because I absolutely love socializing (when I actually like the people), and traveling as a couple makes it slightly harder to socialize than when I had traveled alone in the past. Anyway, Sean and I eventually went out to La Pergola which had a $20.000 cover (about $6). Even though this is quite expensive, we weren’t buying drinks there and were really going for the experience. As we approached the club in our cab we could hear the music from down the street. There was a long line to get in that moved surprisingly quickly. The club was huge and completely open having great views of the surrounding city. There were 3 floors playing different types of music, and really was a sight to see. It was especially fun when a very popular latin song came on and everyone in the club sang it together. We stayed until 1am before hopping into a cab back to the hostel.

The rest of the weekend, we spent our time just hanging out trying to avoid the serious heat of this place. By 1pm it gets so hot, all you can think about is swimming. By 2pm we left for a cab to Acuaparque de la Cana to spend the late afternoon in a children/family water park. We felt like teenagers having fun on all the watersides, walking around in our swim suits, eagerly checking out the next fun thing to do. One of Sean’s favorite was the zip line where you hung (together) on a bar that zip lines above a pool. You have to let go before it reaches the end plopping you right into the water! We did this one several times throughout the day.

We did other rides as well including a high and long waterslide. Sean and I went on a slide, side by side, and my slide gave me a huge wedgie just before it shot me into the pool. Sean loved that one too, but I could not handle that level of discomfort again and so I chose to pass on repeating it. Another fun one was the toilet bowl (or at least that’s what we called it when we visited waterparks at camp)! We rented a two person tube that shot us through a tube spitting you out into a “bowl” that you flung around and around until you made it to the bottom. That one was super fun :) The last ride of the day for us was the wave pool, since it was 5pm and everything else was closing. It was fun and enjoyable until Sean realized how dirty the pool was and how much hair was in the water (LOL).

Our last day in Cali we waited for the heat to pass before heading out for a bite and some walking around. We walked through the [very strange] cat statues, as well as a lovely park for people watching. Our time in Cali was fun, but now it’s time to leave (hopefully to somewhere less hot)!

Thanks for reading fam, love you all.

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leggigoesabroad · 5 years ago

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free rent living in my mind

Lyrical title, and all future lyrical blog titles from now until forever, will be from Taylor Swift’s LOVER which was released August 23rd and has already drastically improved my already great life. It’s 18 songs of perfection and we aren’t worthy. Rolling Stone and Vanity Fair have called it a career-capping masterpiece. God this bitch just continues to show us that she’s the only person who ever matters and good lord I’d kill a man for her if she asked me to.

In the meantime, weeeeeeeeeee’re back! Well, I am back, because I’m in Alaska and honestly that’s practically abroad. It’s so far from everything except Canada and Russia and other parts of Alaska and life here is wild and so different and thus, Leggi has gone abroad again. Currently sitting on my bed in my plush robe in my Veranda Suite, looking out into the seafoam green water of Endicott Arm and its little bits of glacier floating by. Which I learned today were called “bergy bits,” isn’t that the most made up “technical term” you’ve ever heard?! Someone was definitely sipping wine on a boat a while ago and saw some ice float by and said “lol look at those little iceberg pieces… those little…. ‘bergy bits!!!!!!!”

This journey begins a full week ago but I’ve literally been either gone all day, not had internet, or been too sleepy to even fathom blogging. And yet I have so much to say and so much that I want to remember that I just MUST document it all, especially considering I’ll be back in June 2021 on a member trip with my company and two years is a long time to remember minutia. I’m here on a site visit on the Seabourn Sojourn to experience the cruise firsthand, try out all of the shore excursions and visit tons of different vendors and partners, and make note of all details so I can answer all questions when we ultimately plan, sell, and execute this trip. Or as I like to say, “someone’s gotta make sure it’s good enough, right?!” One takeaway from this site visit is that it’s equal parts incredible and I’m pinching myself, and also at times I want to die and I’ve been close to full fledged panic attacks. Don’t worry, we’ll get into all of it!! Probably in several different entries to keep attention span up.

We started by flying to Vancouver early Monday morning, August 19th. After dropping bags at the hotel we immediately set off to do detailed site inspections of three hotels in the area (when we come back for the member trip we need a block of ~250 rooms so it’s no small feat) and then visited three different possible event venues for a welcome event the night our members arrive. The first was called Grouse Mountain Resorts which is about a 20-minute drive to a gondola that takes you up to Grouse Mountain, a beautiful resort area overlooking all of Vancouver. The area has so much to do once you’re up there – a ropes course, lumberjack show, bear sanctuary, massive chalet with dining options, etc. We look for things that I never would have thought of or noticed before, especially when paying attention to the demographic of our members and also the realistic logistics of moving a group of about 450 people around. Things like, “will members really want to come up the gondola after a long travel day and eat at the chalet, only to have to walk down a quarter mile path to do the lumberjack show? Which place will include tables and chairs so we don’t have to rent? What will keep their attention while also feeling special and unique to the area? How long is the walk from the bus to the gondola for people with mobility issues? What if someone wants to go back to the hotel early, how long will they have to wait? Will there be enough for kids to do?” On and on. It’s pretty interesting, especially because I’m traveling with three people who have done tons of member trips and know exactly what works and what doesn’t. Since I’ll be referencing them a lot, the three coworkers are Brooke (mostly in charge of the entire Once in a Lifetime Journeys team, travels over a third of the year doing site visits and member trips, not overly pleasant but I’m starting to wear her down), Ryan (other Journeys team member who will be Brooke’s co-manager on this cruise, we get along super well and he’s the one who encouraged me to apply for this Alaska trip, also fucking hilarious), and Nick (member services account manager like me who recently got promoted to be 50/50 for member services/journeys team and is my co-trip lead and also really great to be around.) Brooke and Nick have done a bunch of member cruises before but it’s a first for me and Ryan so it’s been a good balance. There’s also Yolanda, our Seabourn shore excursions expert/partner, who Nick and Brooke know well from previous cruises. She’s originally from South Africa but lives in Holland and is honestly a goddamn nut. Sometimes we love her deeply and sometimes we’re like YOLANDA WE CANNOT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD. More on that later as well.

We spent Monday night in Vancouver doing the site inspections and then had a lovely, long dinner on the water with our Seabourn partners. Wine like, FLOWED. On Tuesday morning we went to the Capilano Suspension Bridge to do a site inspection for that as a possibility as a daytime activity for members before boarding the ship. I remembered being there a loooong time ago on our Vancouver trip as a kid (I want to say… 1999? Mom, keep me honest) and I thought “wow, the bridge looked so much bigger when I was a kid! This is nothing now!” Famous last words. Got about halfway across and started panicking and couldn’t look down and told myself to just put one foot in front of another until I made it across. That was all well and good, until you get across and realize the only way back IS ALSO THE BRIDGE. As Hilary said upon reflecting on it when I told the family this, “I remember thinking, ‘there’s no way that’s the only possible way back.” Sure is, sure is. Ultimately after visiting the Capilano area, Grouse Mountain, the Vancouver Aquarium, and Science World (my personal favorite but got hardcore nixed…) we think we’re going to try to rent out Capilano for the evening and include food and drink and guided tours all around the park as our welcome event, and then just give members the morning at leisure. We’ll see, all of that work comes AFTER the site visit, and I can’t think about After the Site Visit right now because I’ll cry because this ship is now my home and I refuse to leave.

On Tuesday morning, we went on the ship early while they were still turning it over from the departing guests and getting ready for all of us to board later. We did a full tour and got to see all the different categories of suites available, because it’ll be important for us to know all the details when advertising and selling the trip. Let me just tell you, this ship is fuggin dope. To me, it’s a perfect size – about 225 cabins (not including crew) so it’s big enough that it doesn’t feel like a small little boutique liner, but small enough that you don’t get any of the creepy mass Carnival cruise line heebie jeebies and feel trapped on a skyscraper at sea. It’s been a week and I already feel like I know everyone. I keep joking that I’m the mayor of the ship and honestly it’s not ALL in my head, I’m very popular around here. You’ll notice that theme running throughout these blogs, so consider yourselves warned. It also helps that we are among the youngest people on the ship, as you could have guessed – I’d say about 60% of the population is in their 60s or above, and the remainder are spready through 50s/40s/30s. There’s literally ONE child aboard, a little 3-year old boy that we are all obsessed with. He wears bowties and suits to the formal dinners and little nautical themed clothing all other times, and carries his slinkie around everywhere wanting to play. Nick said at lunch today “he’s 100% my favorite person on the ship.”

We finally officially boarded the ship around 4 pm on Tuesday and it was honestly so exciting. I felt like a celebrity, especially because the entire staff knows that we are here for a site visit and I think has probably been told to pay us special attention. The captain, his officers, the maitre’d, the sommelier, the hotel manager, the hospitality director, the executive chef, the Alaskan Ventures director, the cruise director (Jan who we despise, more on her later), all have specially introduced themselves to us and have greeted us by name since the first day. I know the crew and staff all have manifests before we board with our names and pictures, but I’m honestly still floored at how impressive their memories are. On the first night, I ordered a double vodka soda with extra lime and a splash of cranberry juice from the head bartender. Three nights later, I hadn’t seen him since, I walked in and he made that exact same drink for me and just put it in front of me. What the fuck?!?! The captain’s staff captain passes by me daily and says “Ms. Rice, hope you had a lovely evening!” I was like “sorry who are you?!” I always fancied myself good at names and faces and now I’ve learned that perhaps a decade of marijuana usage has turned me into a trash brained human who has no special skills anymore. TBD.

We spent the next day at sea, which I’ll pick up in the next bloggy bit (inspiration drawn from bergy bits.)

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grimecrow · 6 years ago

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Look At The Image That Threatens My Life In Ford Nation!

(Please note I am not going to post the image here, cause that would be reposting the image, so here is the link to the original: https://reddiesetandgo.tumblr.com/post/168322329740/dancing-at-the-quarry-my-beautiful-commission ) This was my cellphone wallpaper it’s a piece of art on Tumblr I found that makes me smile; I think the boombox in the back sells the feels. Anyhow this morning I was looking at this and realized that I can’t have this as my wallpaper anymore; it’s too dangerous now. A notion that may not make sense to you but I ask that you read this whole thing out before making your final decision. Give me the chance to show you my reasons.

First a little history, the last time I was gonna have the absolute shit kicked out of me for the crime of being gay, alive and living in Ontario was in 2007 at Seneca college. A bunch of nursing students found out by overhearing me talk with friends in the cafeteria area that I was gay and let me know that they were gonna be heroes by beating the hell out of me to the point where it would be impossible for me to be a gay cop. Being a person who knows when to bow their head and when to stand up and fight I accepted that this was going to happen. I wasn’t gonna beg for them to not hurt me; that usually leads to some form of sexual assault or abuse. I told my friends that after classes ended that day that’d be the last they see of me as either I would be in the hospital and not coming back to the program or I’d win the fight and be expelled because I fought back. Because I had fallen in with a good group of people, when the time came I walked out to meet the waiting nursing students. The unexpected thing was a group of guys walked out of the school to stand beside me. Remotely fair odds seemed unfair to the nursing students so they bailed and the situation was dealt with, in part by the administration.

That was when gay marriage had just won, and we had a provincial Liberal government in power. At the height of the media shaming and encouraging others to shame bigots because Canada was looking good; a bastion of tolerance and other bullshit we lied to ourselves about cause it was really important to look good to the world community.

At that time I was still taking the precautions I now have to enact once more, the one time I slipped up in a couple of sentences in public and I was fucked. I was in a scenario where it was going to be five on one with weapons. How dare I speak in public!

Over the holidays I had someone here who confirmed that there was still a lot of violence and threat of violence against the LGBTQ+ community in the ‘enlightened’ age of 2017. I won’t name the person because you don’t randomly confirm people as gay or gay allied online anymore; if they choose to confirm things in the comments section that is their decision but others were there, they heard it too. Do you think the gay community suddenly stopped trusting cops because of the Bruce McArthur thing alone? Oh wait there is miles of documentation showing the police reaction to the violence or threats against the LGBTQ+ community; the same reaction it has always been, silence with subtle pushes of encouragement.

This was all when we had a Liberal provincial government and an LGBTQ+ premiere so for us, the climate was as good as it was gonna get. Now we have Doug Ford. Thankfully we have a case study recently about what happens when a far right politician with backing from a White Nationalist organization willing to sell out as much as possible to the violent religious right comes into power. Now this is where you say I’m crossing the line, it’s not like there are people giving Nazi salutes or wearing ‘Make Ontario Great Again’ hats...

Opps! Well that’s OK it’s not like white nationalists are being more open and throwing huge parties and events to celebrate their beliefs! Which of course they are allowed to do but in Toronto the tolerent such a thing could not happen without people paying attention right?

https://pressprogress.ca/the-toronto-suns-joe-warmington-is-headlining-a-far-right-rebel-media-event-on-doug-ford/

Oh well... Oh I know, I know! I know what those who disbelieve will say; “It’s not like we have a growing hate crime problem in Ontario!”

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/london/london-ontario-hate-crimes-1.4673324

Opps once more! But don’t worry that was from the age of the dinosaurs, a whole two and a half weeks ago. Thankfully it hasn’t been proven the world over that when these extreme right personalities win those who commit hate crimes become embolden and escalate things. Oh, what’s that you say? That’s been an understood fact for like twenty years...shit. Ontario is strong! Ontario is accepting! Ontario cares about people! I mean Doug Ford plans to roll back the laws creating protection zones around abortion clinics. The people won’t stand for it! Society has changed so much since those laws were passed! When was that again? When did we realize and finally act to create special laws to remind people not to attack others? October 2017? Fuck.

https://ipolitics.ca/2017/10/26/ontarios-bubble-zone-abortion-protest-law-was-long-overdue/

Well remember under Wynne Ontario was as free and tolerant as our society got, the government was the ally of minorities of race, culture, religion, gender and sexual orientation. Look how far we came in those years...next to nowhere. I’ve been assaulted, I’ve gone to visit others who havebeen assaulted , watched the casts come on and off, the scars be freshly made, the blood on the sidewalks and streets from bashings. I knew the rules to avoid Cherry Beach, to lower my risk. I also made sure to study the fuck out of the climates that caused danger to increase or decrease. That’s why I managed to survive as well as I did while so many around me were beaten, broken, and died. Do you still think I am over reacting to the situation? Maybe I am I mean it’s not like there were any candidates who openly celebrated being a white nationalist in any way shape or form! Right? Oh no...here comes another link...

http://pressprogress.ca/ontario-pc-candidate-promoted-alt-right-website-linked-to-hate-figures-at-young-conservative-event/

Well I mean, I have to be wrong right? It’s not like she won or anythin--fuck it here’s the link.

https://www.thespec.com/news-story/8658689-donna-skelly-wins-in-new-riding-lone-pc-in-an-ndp-city/

So there are a lot of red flags; plus the fact that there are those I have spoken to privately about this issue that have already said they have been harassed and/or faced the threat of attack. I’m not naming them because of my rules to try to ensure their protection, if they wish to comment and discuss it in the comments below that will be their decision. I have decided to enact the ancient customs of 2007 and prior to ensure my safety ONLY because I can’t get out of this province. No seriously if I had the chance I would abandon 90% of all my possessions and move to a place I hate, that has a culture I hate, and is ridiculously more expensive for no good reasons. That’s right I would be moving to British Columbia and starting over again from near scratch JUST to escape what is happening here. Cause it’s going to get worse when Sheer wins federally; which he will the Rebel and the PCs both keep going on about how they learned so much form this provincial election so you can bet the Rebel will throw women under the bus by feeding them to the violent Religious Right in order to win control of the federal government. British Columbia is one of the only provinces that I think can withstand a Rebel take over for the next ten years or so, and they will shield those that white nationalism tries to grind up. Does it seem like running away? I like the idea of calling it tactical retreat. Ontario is lost, go somewhere that hasn’t fallen yet and do your part to try to keep it from falling. Also yeah after decades of violence, fear, and all of that part of me also wants to be able to have a picture of two guys dancing before one goes off to college on my personal phone without prominent and reasonably verified fear that it will lead to injury or potentially death if I happen to lose the hate crime lottery despite me not waving it in anyone’s fucking face. Welcome to Ford Nation, hope you aren’t anything aside from white, straight, male and either Christian, Atheist or Agnostic cause if you are...you know what’s coming. (I wrote this originally elsewhere when Doug Ford was elected, since then there has been an increase in hate crime in Ontario. To the surprise of no one. Welcome to Ontario.)

#Doug Ford #Ford Nation #Toronto #Ontario #Canadian politics #Cnd poli #hate crime

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insecure-hbo-the-recaps · 7 years ago

Text

hella blows

Previously on Insecure: Issa is cool with Daniel, but he knows what it is. She’s all about her hoe-tation. Molly’s dad cheated on Molly’s mom which made her feel stupid enough to sleep with Dro. Issa wanted to make sure Daniel knew they were both seeing other people.

Issa’s alarm goes off and at first it looks like she’s beyond late for work. But it’s something even worse than that: she has to get up to move her car out of designated parking to a free side of the street before she gets a ticket or tow. Ikr? About 65% of the reason I want to move out of my current neighborhood even though it’s a huge hassle. “Ay! Your bumper bout to fall off,” some idiot points out obliviously. “Thanks!” Issa trills in a curt “no duh” kind of way.

Molly is working late. Dro calls and she hesitates before answering, clearly not looking forward to it. She thinks they’re going to have a serious conversation but of course he is just calling to shoot the shit. I feel like probably unfairly this paints Dro as suspect? Who fucks their lifelong friend while in an open marriage and then calls like nothing is different? I get the counterargument that that may be WHY he would call and act like nothing is different. But I don’t trust these fools.

Molly gets a call on the other line, and tells Dro she has to go because it’s her mom. But rather than brace herself for the sure emotional baggage that would come from that, Molly actually doesn’t answer, and just sits there thinking about what a mess her life is. She and Dro apparently have plans to see each other the next day, which is ostensibly the real reason why he called.

Shout out to Issa’s superfluously woke outerwear. She’s wearing that sweatshirt with a somewhat less than casual long skirt by the way. She has no car, so she has to take the bus. She eyes some latino kid as though she recognizes him. He regards her awkwardly as if he recognizes her too. She slides Daniel a potential come thru text and heads into her apartment, bored and restless. She has an email for somethin called a “Sexplosion,” which is appealing to her in this moment of drudgery. She bored.

Deciding this particular boredom is not something she can merely abide, Issa figures maybe she’ll stop in on Neighbor Bae. Her bathroom freshen up routine consists of mouthwash and an aggressive verbal affirmation seminar. She’s one hundred percent gasssed up.

She obliviously heads downstairs and knocks on Neighbor Bae’s door. He is surprised to see her, but he’s clearly pretending not to know whether or not he asked her over, which is polite. Issa assumes her dropping by should be welcomed, but Eddie has company. He makes needlessly polite excuses when honestly he didn’t have to because who the fuck is Issa? Mama gotta have a life too.

Although Issa has to vent via mirror freestyle (“I could cry right now I’m so embarrassed and mad, I hope you can’t get it up and that her pussy is trash”) I mean, come on. Be reasonable. You’re going to have to get a much thicker skin and a lot more comfortable with rejection if you’re going to try to be about that ho life. And you know what, it’s not for everyone. I had a friend who for some reason thought she was this perfect princess in her mind when really when she’d tell me stories I’d be looking at her like this is some random bitch who will do cocaine with strangers on a first date and then fuck them on the way home so why you think you deserve a doctor husband though? The answer to that question is that she was white and therefore delusional, but the overall point is that not everybody can brave the harsh landscape of being single and dating, and if you try to fake it you’ll just end up crying at bars when men ask you why you’re single (which also happened to this friend).

I really hate when I take accidental pauses like this one lol:

As Issa irritatedly deals with not getting the dick she psyched herself up for, she gets a double whammy of rejection when Daniel answers her come thru text that he’s busy. Issa is not feeling singleness at this moment. There’s an interlude with Baby Voiced Darius where he asks her, just randomly for no reason, if she’s going to Target. “Why would I be?” Issa snaps. I mean, it’s a fair question. I’m potentially going to Target 40% of the time in any random day.

In some other cool, quirky, millennial loft in Los Angeles, Lawrence is making some kind of pitch to a motley group of assembled coworkers. So now we finally get some details on the elusive Woot Woot: “it aggregates all of your data, where you shop, where you eat, where you drink, and it makes recommendations based on that.” Motherfucker how is this any different from all the bullshit Netflix keeps recommending me 67 times that I’m not going to watch, or how google is so Big Brother on us now that if I’m watching or listening to something and decide to look up part of it, it can autocomplete my search based on less than one word? I mean to say… technology been way able to do that for a long time, bruh. Everyone cheers and applauds and Lawrence, in a very ugly navy cardigan, grins big at what seems like praise and encouragement of his idea. And… this was the idea he’d been working on while unemployed for two years? AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH “WOOT WOOT”?!

Two guys that I’m going to assume are Lawrence’s superiors are giving him feedback. Bosses in the start up world look like this:

I’m glad I’m not inclined to this field because it’s honestly not something that I think I would be able to take seriously lol. They say it’s great and they loved the presentation. While their feedback sounds positive and Lawrence obviously thinks it’s a vote of confidence, if you listen closely they’re doing nothing but praising him individually and offering compliments to the fact that he is working hard and competently, not praising the viability of his work specifically. They make no comments whatsoever about the app being a good idea or potential product. Then, just to underscore the fact that they are Clueless White People, the fat guy asks Lawrence about his shoes, and calls them fly. I would take issue that at this point it seems like the show just makes fun of white people just to mock them and make white people as a whole unsympathetic but on the other hand… white people stay doing fake bonding shit like this when they don’t have to, so if they look bad, then, motherfuckers, stop doing the shit.

Where do you suppose Issa and Molly are? I’m at a loss as to whether this is a Chinese restaurant, a really shitty travel agency, or somewhere where you can get your eyebrows waxed for eight dollars. Molly is telling Issa she’s worried that she may have fucked up her friendship with Dro, and Issa points out that that wouldn’t be surprising considering that she fucked her friend. I think that it’s nice just a couple episodes ago Molly was having this talk with Issa, and now Issa’s having it with Molly.

It turns out they’re in a mechanic waiting room while Issa gets an estimate to fix her car. Molly opines that Dro is the only person/man who’s seen her at her worst so why would she go and complicate things this way? And the way I feel about that is… if you start fucking a married man you really can’t be thinking about any of this shit where he may potentially be a person that is anything other than a married man. Remind me again that at some point during this story line I take a complete break to tell y'all about how I was fucking a married man. The point is anyway that Molly is doing the most emotionally when you’d think it would be easy to understand that in a situation like this specifically you need to do your best to chill. Her current thought is to tell Dro she doesn’t want it to happen again when they hang out later that night.The mechanic comes back and tells Issa they’ll have to order parts to do the repairs (which duh she’s getting body work done) and it’ll be about 5500. Issa balks at that price tag.

Remember in the previous episode where Molly and Issa talked about a vacation? Molly still wants to go (listing a bunch of countries and islands that start with M, prompting Issa to chide annoyedly “there are other places with other letters”) seemingly oblivious to the fact that if Issa can’t afford to repair her car, she can’t afford to go on vacation. In hindsight, this show really put a LOT of effort into very deliberate continuity between episodes, for really small things.

Issa is frustrated because she had been doing really well with all her various life parts and now all of them seem to be scattering out abruptly. She’s still having trouble accepting that men she’s seeing casually aren’t just available for her whenever she wants them to be. Ok so… how are you saying you want Daniel to know to stay in his place, and you want Mexican Bae not to expect anything from you, but you want them to be willing to do whatever you want when you want it? Again: be reasonable sis. If you’re gonna dish it out then obviously you have to take it back too. Then she acknowledges sex with her is mediocre and, again, this is where she loses me. I don’t think I would ever describe sex with me as “acceptable” except on occasions when I know I am making no effort to leave an impression. Come on now. Half the dudes I got to stick around as adults - when sex is less of an issue and everyone has more baggage - is probably 80% because sex was the only draw. And I’m partially joking (clearly I have the delusionally high self esteem of a complete asshole and I like it that way), but seriously it’s something that you have to think about as you get older. The Panties Card gets flimsier and flimsier, until it is no longer a guaranteed bargaining chip to maintain someone’s attention which frankly was news to me.

Back at the super cool Los Angeles tech start up, Lawrence stops by Arpana’s desk and playfully asks her questions around what he should do with his impending takeover of the app world. Arpana makes this face:

Clearly she is clued into what Lawrence is not, which is that the presentation did not go as well as he thought it did. She tells him he should lower his expectations, because she doesn’t think Woot Woot is viable: it felt outdated. Speaking of delusional self esteem, Lawrence cooly replies that it’s fine if she doesn’t see the vision and who cares because she’s not the one greenlighting it anyway. As he gets up to leave, Arpana adds that clearly the bosses weren’t into it like they were some other app where they asked questions and dug through the pitch looking for flaws then scheduled a follow up. It slowly sinks in on Lawrence that maybe she has a point, but when she says “it’s like they didn’t want to offend you,” Lawrence puts his defenses back up and tells her that she’s entitled to her opinion. While I don’t approve of Lawrence’s childish blindspots, I do approve of his polite passive aggressive work rebuttals. (Professional environments love passive aggression.)

Laker bar. Molly shows up for her date with Dro, nervous about the speech she plans to drop. She awkwardly explains that she feels like things are different though objectively Dro’s behavior doesn’t seem in any way out of the ordinary. He tells her she’s being dramatic and to calm the fuck down. They playfully joke about french fries and apparently that’s all it took to defuse the tension.

The tension was so de-fused that they went back to Molly’s place after the game to offer us another excellently choreographed sex scene. A.) Molly’s headboard is everything (quality headboards are not in reach of everyone’s financial adult life, sigh) and b.) of all the ones we’ve seen so far I think Molly’s sex scenes are the only ones that are actually sexy.

Meanwhile, Issa has invited Mexican Bae over to her place. She doesn’t really want to date him, so this is all a ruse to hopefully get some dick. As she makes pointed conversation drawing attention to her visible bra and the obscene shortness of her skirt, at this point it’s like… do you even actually want some dick or is this just about proving a point? Like are you actually horny and wanting to get fucked? Nico plays along politely, even ignoring her obvious come ons. We are then treated to an awkward scene where Nico wants to treat Issa like a person and she wants to treat him like a conquest. It’s painful to witness.

Issa decides to try a more direct move and just initiates kissing. Nico tries to bring the date back around to their dinner reservations. I feel like the fact that he’s meant to be fairly older than Issa is supposed to play into this. Issa goes so far as to try to bypass this, and when Nico tells her to slow down - “I really like you and I don’t want to rush past this, I want to get to know you” - it just makes Issa angry. Even then, Nico is STILL WILLING to go out to dinner, but Issa apparently is too prideful for this so she flatly rejects him and watches him leave. Sigh. I do understand where she’s coming from, I do. But she’s going about it all the wrong way - very defensively and insecurely. (Oh! I get it now! Ba dum bum.)

Back at Molly’s, she and Dro are doing the post coital thing. He points out that she said she didn’t want to do this anymore. Molly is clearly in a dick haze because her defenses are vastly lowered. She wants to know the boundaries of their non-relationship but Dro is all cool and aloof. He does tell her he isn’t looking for a second side piece which you’d think considering the circumstances would clue her into how ridiculous a conversation this is. She’s asking a married man whether he wants to fuck other women on the side of his wife, isn’t that inherently answering its own question?

Anyway Dro says that Candace knows they are sleeping together and in fact it was her idea to open the relationship. Or so he says. Molly, like a fool, just wants to indulge her butterflies. Her caution is just lip service. She wanted to be told what she wanted to hear.

Another day at work, Lawrence decides to stop by the bosses’ office - where they are standing at waist high desks instead of sitting - and follow up regarding his presentation. Recalling Arpana’s words, he asks whetehr they have any feedback regarding his Woot Woot pitch. I really like the way they framed this shot:

as they shoot each other uncomfortable looks at being put on the spot. Lawrence is speaking in terms of how to to move forward with a viable project, but the bosses do nothing but offer more empty compliments. They have no additional thoughts that would signify any real concerns that would be relevant were this to be an actual project they undertook. The fat boss says they love having his “perspective and input” which delicately suggests Lawrence is there as a diversity hire and not as a real and valuable part of the team. “You bring a lot to the team,” the skinny guy says. The fat guy gives a typically encouraging bullshit line of being excited to see “Lawrence 2.0” and the skinny guy laughs sycophantically. If Lawrence still doesn’t get it, the fact that they overcompensate about his shoes again (“what store did you get those from again?”) should leave him in no doubt. Emasculating… no? (I have far too many thoughts on this subject so let’s move on. They aren’t particularly original, so I’ll spare you.)

Sexplosion. Hey! There are strippers doing pole tricks and chocolatey penis cakes so… what is Tiffany’s job again that this is a thing she does? Issa, Molly, Kelli, and Tiffany stroll up and take a bunch of free condoms. Issa thinks Molly broke things off with Dro because she asks why she needs condoms. They talk about barriers for oral sex and I just remembered this is the episode where they have the problematic, regressive conversation about oral sex.

So, let’s just get this out of the way: Tiffany, the only married one who is clearly the most whitewashed of the group, is the only one to openly acknowledge she loves giving blowjobs. Kelli doesn’t do it wholesale, Issa doesn’t like to do it, and Molly gives the Carrie Bradshaw (because of course this was a conversation on SEASON ONE of sex and the city) response of how it’s not her favorite but she’s flexible. Question: is this what black women are still on in the streets?

Being called a “ho” and ostracized for having any kind of sexuality is something that I left behind in high school once I was an adult and didn’t see any reason to need my choices validated by gossip and/or people I didn’t know. And the conservative quasi-religious culture of patriarchal standards and misogynist perspectives is something I completely abandoned in grad school when the only black men around that wanted to date me behaved like the shit I’d left behind in high school and I realized I was totally unfamiliar with any other cultural norms. I’m not going to go off on a tangent to get to the bottom line that I would hope this is not still a widespread understanding amongst young black women these days though I would not be entirely surprised if it were. I want to sum it up as so: when I exclusively dated black men some of the time I’d be sleeping with a guy who would refuse to ever kiss me, for apparently no reason whatsoever other than it was culturally normal. I was surprised when I started dating white men and they really do want to wake up and kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning. I slept with a motherfucker all four years of undergrad who never went down on me ONCE. Like, I can’t - I feel like I’m biased and I don’t want to preach from that perspective, so I’m not even going to dig into this.

I will say this - I don’t know how the fuck you expect to successfully date as an adult when you have whole chunks of sexual entrees completely off the menu - for WHATEVER ideological reason - yet continue to think you are dating as a normal person. It’s a hang up. Call it a hang up and accept it.

The next day, Molly is reading an article by Serena Williams about closing the pay gap. Damn, that makes me feel bad. Her mom is still calling and leaving voicemails. At an office across town, Lawrence makes amends with Arpana by acknowledging “Woot Woot” is dead. He tells her she was right, and also there was a racial component to their behavior. Arpana bonds with him as a WOC. Lawrence finally starts to accept he was wrong about his app. They both slowly realize there’s some attraction there that might go somewhere, sometime soon. Every single Woot Woot joke this show has made has been hilarious.

Issa is at Daniel’s listening to some song he produced. It sounds good. Issa says it has a black Daft Punk vibe whiiiiich… it sounds good and nothing like Daft Punk at the same time. They have a moment about how apparently Issa likes champagne with a shot of Jameson. That’s new. They are very flirty and comfortable and eventually start kissing. Issa pushes him down on the couch and as they start to undress, she stops him and gets down on her knees. Speaking of hang ups, I refused to ever give a blowjob literally on my knees, until I started playing it up as an ego thing.

Somewhere across town, Molly is also having a sexy night, in some fancy sterile bathroom taking a bubble bath while Dro sits on the edge of the tub. Before they get too far along, Dro gets a text from his wife who has accidentally locked herself out of their home. Molly is disappointed, and plays it off badly. They were doing a fancy hotel thing ordering in romantic shit which… I mean, I don’t know, if they like it then I’ll abide it silently. Have taken a bath with a guy I was casually sleeping with though. The water was so hot we were both sweating and the wine glasses were fogging up. He asked me how my day was and when I started to reply he started using his fingers on me, but ordered me to keep talking. That dude and I were basically hate fucking, but that moment was always sexy as hell to me.

Back at Daniel’s he is impressed with Issa’s blowjob skills. And then this sequence of events happens: he’s about to come, and he grabs Issa’s head, somehow holding it in place until:

Look! I took a screenshot for you! Bwahahahaha. Seriously how would that work logistically? He’s holding her head down, so he… strategically pulls it up and manages to put it in exactly the right place so that he could shoot her in the eye? Issa is pissed. Daniel acts like he doesn’t know why she’s upset. Issa is so mad she’s incoherent, and forcefully pushes him away when he tries to touch her. Issa’s anger is on one level due to the aforementioned hangups about blowjobs - she said she felt like once you sucked a dude’s dick he felt like he conquered you and relegated you to ho status - but on another level, Daniel is rude as fuck and it is NEVER ok to do a facial without express consent. Her anger is justified, even if it is a bit exacerbated by other issues. Any man who is not an ain’t-shit knows it’s rude to come in your mouth without permission LET ALONE ON YOUR FACE! Hell I’ve dated men that wouldn’t come on me even when I asked, or my ex who would always pull away without my asking, even though I didn’t give a goddamn WHERE he came, EVER. Like, Daniel’s rude as fuck.

So, Issa tells him fuck you and leaves. She ends up hovering around a gas station waiting for her Uber pool that already has two people in it, holding a wet towel to her eye. “Issa?” the driver asks. “Issa car pool!” and everyone laughs except Issa because she’s tired of getting the idea that she’s the butt of every joke.

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insecure-hbo-recaps · 7 years ago

Text

hella blows

Previously on Insecure: Issa is cool with Daniel, but he knows what it is. She's all about her hoe-tation. Molly's dad cheated on Molly's mom which made her feel stupid enough to sleep with Dro. Issa wanted to make sure Daniel knew they were both seeing other people.

Issa's alarm goes off and at first it looks like she's beyond late for work. But it's something even worse than that: she has to get up to move her car out of designated parking to a free side of the street before she gets a ticket or tow. Ikr? About 65% of the reason I want to move out of my current neighborhood even though it's a huge hassle. "Ay! Your bumper bout to fall off," some idiot points out obliviously. "Thanks!" Issa trills in a curt "no duh" kind of way.

Molly is working late. Dro calls and she hesitates before answering, clearly not looking forward to it. She thinks they're going to have a serious conversation but of course he is just calling to shoot the shit. I feel like probably unfairly this paints Dro as suspect? Who fucks their lifelong friend while in an open marriage and then calls like nothing is different? I get the counterargument that that may be WHY he would call and act like nothing is different. But I don't trust these fools.

Molly gets a call on the other line, and tells Dro she has to go because it's her mom. But rather than brace herself for the sure emotional baggage that would come from that, Molly actually doesn't answer, and just sits there thinking about what a mess her life is. She and Dro apparently have plans to see each other the next day, which is ostensibly the real reason why he called.

Shout out to Issa's superfluously woke outerwear. She's wearing that sweatshirt with a somewhat less than casual long skirt by the way. She has no car, so she has to take the bus. She eyes some latino kid as though she recognizes him. He regards her awkwardly as if he recognizes her too. She slides Daniel a potential come thru text and heads into her apartment, bored and restless. She has an email for somethin called a "Sexplosion," which is appealing to her in this moment of drudgery. She bored.

Deciding this particular boredom is not something she can merely abide, Issa figures maybe she'll stop in on Neighbor Bae. Her bathroom freshen up routine consists of mouthwash and an aggressive verbal affirmation seminar. She's one hundred percent gasssed up.

She obliviously heads downstairs and knocks on Neighbor Bae's door. He is surprised to see her, but he's clearly pretending not to know whether or not he asked her over, which is polite. Issa assumes her dropping by should be welcomed, but Eddie has company. He makes needlessly polite excuses when honestly he didn't have to because who the fuck is Issa? Mama gotta have a life too.

Although Issa has to vent via mirror freestyle ("I could cry right now I'm so embarrassed and mad, I hope you can't get it up and that her pussy is trash") I mean, come on. Be reasonable. You're going to have to get a much thicker skin and a lot more comfortable with rejection if you're going to try to be about that ho life. And you know what, it's not for everyone. I had a friend who for some reason thought she was this perfect princess in her mind when really when she'd tell me stories I'd be looking at her like this is some random bitch who will do cocaine with strangers on a first date and then fuck them on the way home so why you think you deserve a doctor husband though? The answer to that question is that she was white and therefore delusional, but the overall point is that not everybody can brave the harsh landscape of being single and dating, and if you try to fake it you'll just end up crying at bars when men ask you why you're single (which also happened to this friend).

I really hate when I take accidental pauses like this one lol:

As Issa irritatedly deals with not getting the dick she psyched herself up for, she gets a double whammy of rejection when Daniel answers her come thru text that he's busy. Issa is not feeling singleness at this moment. There's an interlude with Baby Voiced Darius where he asks her, just randomly for no reason, if she's going to Target. "Why would I be?" Issa snaps. I mean, it's a fair question. I'm potentially going to Target 40% of the time in any random day.

In some other cool, quirky, millennial loft in Los Angeles, Lawrence is making some kind of pitch to a motley group of assembled coworkers. So now we finally get some details on the elusive Woot Woot: "it aggregates all of your data, where you shop, where you eat, where you drink, and it makes recommendations based on that." Motherfucker how is this any different from all the bullshit Netflix keeps recommending me 67 times that I'm not going to watch, or how google is so Big Brother on us now that if I'm watching or listening to something and decide to look up part of it, it can autocomplete my search based on less than one word? I mean to say... technology been way able to do that for a long time, bruh. Everyone cheers and applauds and Lawrence, in a very ugly navy cardigan, grins big at what seems like praise and encouragement of his idea. And... this was the idea he'd been working on while unemployed for two years? AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH "WOOT WOOT"?!

Two guys that I'm going to assume are Lawrence's superiors are giving him feedback. Bosses in the start up world look like this:

I'm glad I'm not inclined to this field because it's honestly not something that I think I would be able to take seriously lol. They say it's great and they loved the presentation. While their feedback sounds positive and Lawrence obviously thinks it's a vote of confidence, if you listen closely they're doing nothing but praising him individually and offering compliments to the fact that he is working hard and competently, not praising the viability of his work specifically. They make no comments whatsoever about the app being a good idea or potential product. Then, just to underscore the fact that they are Clueless White People, the fat guy asks Lawrence about his shoes, and calls them fly. I would take issue that at this point it seems like the show just makes fun of white people just to mock them and make white people as a whole unsympathetic but on the other hand... white people stay doing fake bonding shit like this when they don't have to, so if they look bad, then, motherfuckers, stop doing the shit.

Where do you suppose Issa and Molly are? I'm at a loss as to whether this is a Chinese restaurant, a really shitty travel agency, or somewhere where you can get your eyebrows waxed for eight dollars. Molly is telling Issa she's worried that she may have fucked up her friendship with Dro, and Issa points out that that wouldn't be surprising considering that she fucked her friend. I think that it's nice just a couple episodes ago Molly was having this talk with Issa, and now Issa's having it with Molly.

It turns out they're in a mechanic waiting room while Issa gets an estimate to fix her car. Molly opines that Dro is the only person/man who's seen her at her worst so why would she go and complicate things this way? And the way I feel about that is... if you start fucking a married man you really can't be thinking about any of this shit where he may potentially be a person that is anything other than a married man. Remind me again that at some point during this story line I take a complete break to tell y'all about how I was fucking a married man. The point is anyway that Molly is doing the most emotionally when you'd think it would be easy to understand that in a situation like this specifically you need to do your best to chill. Her current thought is to tell Dro she doesn't want it to happen again when they hang out later that night.The mechanic comes back and tells Issa they'll have to order parts to do the repairs (which duh she's getting body work done) and it'll be about 5500. Issa balks at that price tag.

Remember in the previous episode where Molly and Issa talked about a vacation? Molly still wants to go (listing a bunch of countries and islands that start with M, prompting Issa to chide annoyedly "there are other places with other letters") seemingly oblivious to the fact that if Issa can't afford to repair her car, she can't afford to go on vacation. In hindsight, this show really put a LOT of effort into very deliberate continuity between episodes, for really small things.

Issa is frustrated because she had been doing really well with all her various life parts and now all of them seem to be scattering out abruptly. She's still having trouble accepting that men she's seeing casually aren't just available for her whenever she wants them to be. Ok so... how are you saying you want Daniel to know to stay in his place, and you want Mexican Bae not to expect anything from you, but you want them to be willing to do whatever you want when you want it? Again: be reasonable sis. If you're gonna dish it out then obviously you have to take it back too. Then she acknowledges sex with her is mediocre and, again, this is where she loses me. I don't think I would ever describe sex with me as "acceptable" except on occasions when I know I am making no effort to leave an impression. Come on now. Half the dudes I got to stick around as adults - when sex is less of an issue and everyone has more baggage - is probably 80% because sex was the only draw. And I'm partially joking (clearly I have the delusionally high self esteem of a complete asshole and I like it that way), but seriously it's something that you have to think about as you get older. The Panties Card gets flimsier and flimsier, until it is no longer a guaranteed bargaining chip to maintain someone's attention which frankly was news to me.

Back at the super cool Los Angeles tech start up, Lawrence stops by Arpana's desk and playfully asks her questions around what he should do with his impending takeover of the app world. Arpana makes this face:

Clearly she is clued into what Lawrence is not, which is that the presentation did not go as well as he thought it did. She tells him he should lower his expectations, because she doesn't think Woot Woot is viable: it felt outdated. Speaking of delusional self esteem, Lawrence cooly replies that it's fine if she doesn't see the vision and who cares because she's not the one greenlighting it anyway. As he gets up to leave, Arpana adds that clearly the bosses weren't into it like they were some other app where they asked questions and dug through the pitch looking for flaws then scheduled a follow up. It slowly sinks in on Lawrence that maybe she has a point, but when she says "it's like they didn't want to offend you," Lawrence puts his defenses back up and tells her that she's entitled to her opinion. While I don't approve of Lawrence's childish blindspots, I do approve of his polite passive aggressive work rebuttals. (Professional environments love passive aggression.)

Laker bar. Molly shows up for her date with Dro, nervous about the speech she plans to drop. She awkwardly explains that she feels like things are different though objectively Dro's behavior doesn't seem in any way out of the ordinary. He tells her she's being dramatic and to calm the fuck down. They playfully joke about french fries and apparently that's all it took to defuse the tension.

The tension was so de-fused that they went back to Molly's place after the game to offer us another excellently choreographed sex scene. A.) Molly's headboard is everything (quality headboards are not in reach of everyone's financial adult life, sigh) and b.) of all the ones we've seen so far I think Molly's sex scenes are the only ones that are actually sexy.

Meanwhile, Issa has invited Mexican Bae over to her place. She doesn't really want to date him, so this is all a ruse to hopefully get some dick. As she makes pointed conversation drawing attention to her visible bra and the obscene shortness of her skirt, at this point it's like... do you even actually want some dick or is this just about proving a point? Like are you actually horny and wanting to get fucked? Nico plays along politely, even ignoring her obvious come ons. We are then treated to an awkward scene where Nico wants to treat Issa like a person and she wants to treat him like a conquest. It's painful to witness.

Issa decides to try a more direct move and just initiates kissing. Nico tries to bring the date back around to their dinner reservations. I feel like the fact that he's meant to be fairly older than Issa is supposed to play into this. Issa goes so far as to try to bypass this, and when Nico tells her to slow down - "I really like you and I don't want to rush past this, I want to get to know you" - it just makes Issa angry. Even then, Nico is STILL WILLING to go out to dinner, but Issa apparently is too prideful for this so she flatly rejects him and watches him leave. Sigh. I do understand where she's coming from, I do. But she's going about it all the wrong way - very defensively and insecurely. (Oh! I get it now! Ba dum bum.)

Back at Molly's, she and Dro are doing the post coital thing. He points out that she said she didn't want to do this anymore. Molly is clearly in a dick haze because her defenses are vastly lowered. She wants to know the boundaries of their non-relationship but Dro is all cool and aloof. He does tell her he isn't looking for a second side piece which you'd think considering the circumstances would clue her into how ridiculous a conversation this is. She's asking a married man whether he wants to fuck other women on the side of his wife, isn't that inherently answering its own question?

Another day at work, Lawrence decides to stop by the bosses' office - where they are standing at waist high desks instead of sitting - and follow up regarding his presentation. Recalling Arpana's words, he asks whetehr they have any feedback regarding his Woot Woot pitch. I really like the way they framed this shot:

as they shoot each other uncomfortable looks at being put on the spot. Lawrence is speaking in terms of how to to move forward with a viable project, but the bosses do nothing but offer more empty compliments. They have no additional thoughts that would signify any real concerns that would be relevant were this to be an actual project they undertook. The fat boss says they love having his "perspective and input" which delicately suggests Lawrence is there as a diversity hire and not as a real and valuable part of the team. "You bring a lot to the team," the skinny guy says. The fat guy gives a typically encouraging bullshit line of being excited to see "Lawrence 2.0" and the skinny guy laughs sycophantically. If Lawrence still doesn't get it, the fact that they overcompensate about his shoes again ("what store did you get those from again?") should leave him in no doubt. Emasculating... no? (I have far too many thoughts on this subject so let's move on. They aren't particularly original, so I'll spare you.)

Sexplosion. Hey! There are strippers doing pole tricks and chocolatey penis cakes so... what is Tiffany's job again that this is a thing she does? Issa, Molly, Kelli, and Tiffany stroll up and take a bunch of free condoms. Issa thinks Molly broke things off with Dro because she asks why she needs condoms. They talk about barriers for oral sex and I just remembered this is the episode where they have the problematic, regressive conversation about oral sex.

So, let's just get this out of the way: Tiffany, the only married one who is clearly the most whitewashed of the group, is the only one to openly acknowledge she loves giving blowjobs. Kelli doesn't do it wholesale, Issa doesn't like to do it, and Molly gives the Carrie Bradshaw (because of course this was a conversation on SEASON ONE of sex and the city) response of how it's not her favorite but she's flexible. Question: is this what black women are still on in the streets?

Being called a "ho" and ostracized for having any kind of sexuality is something that I left behind in high school once I was an adult and didn't see any reason to need my choices validated by gossip and/or people I didn't know. And the conservative quasi-religious culture of patriarchal standards and misogynist perspectives is something I completely abandoned in grad school when the only black men around that wanted to date me behaved like the shit I'd left behind in high school and I realized I was totally unfamiliar with any other cultural norms. I'm not going to go off on a tangent to get to the bottom line that I would hope this is not still a widespread understanding amongst young black women these days though I would not be entirely surprised if it were. I want to sum it up as so: when I exclusively dated black men some of the time I'd be sleeping with a guy who would refuse to ever kiss me, for apparently no reason whatsoever other than it was culturally normal. I was surprised when I started dating white men and they really do want to wake up and kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning. I slept with a motherfucker all four years of undergrad who never went down on me ONCE. Like, I can't - I feel like I'm biased and I don't want to preach from that perspective, so I'm not even going to dig into this.

I will say this - I don't know how the fuck you expect to successfully date as an adult when you have whole chunks of sexual entrees completely off the menu - for WHATEVER ideological reason - yet continue to think you are dating as a normal person. It's a hang up. Call it a hang up and accept it.

The next day, Molly is reading an article by Serena Williams about closing the pay gap. Damn, that makes me feel bad. Her mom is still calling and leaving voicemails. At an office across town, Lawrence makes amends with Arpana by acknowledging "Woot Woot" is dead. He tells her she was right, and also there was a racial component to their behavior. Arpana bonds with him as a WOC. Lawrence finally starts to accept he was wrong about his app. They both slowly realize there's some attraction there that might go somewhere, sometime soon. Every single Woot Woot joke this show has made has been hilarious.

Issa is at Daniel's listening to some song he produced. It sounds good. Issa says it has a black Daft Punk vibe whiiiiich... it sounds good and nothing like Daft Punk at the same time. They have a moment about how apparently Issa likes champagne with a shot of Jameson. That's new. They are very flirty and comfortable and eventually start kissing. Issa pushes him down on the couch and as they start to undress, she stops him and gets down on her knees. Speaking of hang ups, I refused to ever give a blowjob literally on my knees, until I started playing it up as an ego thing.

Somewhere across town, Molly is also having a sexy night, in some fancy sterile bathroom taking a bubble bath while Dro sits on the edge of the tub. Before they get too far along, Dro gets a text from his wife who has accidentally locked herself out of their home. Molly is disappointed, and plays it off badly. They were doing a fancy hotel thing ordering in romantic shit which... I mean, I don't know, if they like it then I'll abide it silently. Have taken a bath with a guy I was casually sleeping with though. The water was so hot we were both sweating and the wine glasses were fogging up. He asked me how my day was and when I started to reply he started using his fingers on me, but ordered me to keep talking. That dude and I were basically hate fucking, but that moment was always sexy as hell to me.

Back at Daniel's he is impressed with Issa's blowjob skills. And then this sequence of events happens: he's about to come, and he grabs Issa's head, somehow holding it in place until:

Look! I took a screenshot for you! Bwahahahaha. Seriously how would that work logistically? He's holding her head down, so he... strategically pulls it up and manages to put it in exactly the right place so that he could shoot her in the eye? Issa is pissed. Daniel acts like he doesn't know why she's upset. Issa is so mad she's incoherent, and forcefully pushes him away when he tries to touch her. Issa's anger is on one level due to the aforementioned hangups about blowjobs - she said she felt like once you sucked a dude's dick he felt like he conquered you and relegated you to ho status - but on another level, Daniel is rude as fuck and it is NEVER ok to do a facial without express consent. Her anger is justified, even if it is a bit exacerbated by other issues. Any man who is not an ain't-shit knows it's rude to come in your mouth without permission LET ALONE ON YOUR FACE! Hell I've dated men that wouldn't come on me even when I asked, or my ex who would always pull away without my asking, even though I didn't give a goddamn WHERE he came, EVER. Like, Daniel's rude as fuck.

So, Issa tells him fuck you and leaves. She ends up hovering around a gas station waiting for her Uber pool that already has two people in it, holding a wet towel to her eye. "Issa?" the driver asks. "Issa car pool!" and everyone laughs except Issa because she's tired of getting the idea that she's the butt of every joke.

#insecure hbo #issa rae

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borrowedbackpack · 8 years ago

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The destination is more important than the journey: A belated post about my trip home

On Monday, April 17th, I began my epic journey home (as we all know). My last post, I believe, was coming at ya from the Oslo airport, where I was just beginning my terrible 12 hour layover. Terrible might be a bit too strong of a word, because as far as places to spend a 12 hour layover go, the Oslo airport is actually not too bad. Unless you have to buy anything, then you might as well just spend the night in a hotel for the amount of money a smoothie or a couple peanuts will set you back.

The Big Fella, the EuroPack, and I found a nice piece of carpet the curl up on and have a little rest. There were a bunch of people around me sleeping on benches, I guess that made them feel more civilized than just lying down on the floor of a public building. I’ll take a nice square of carpet over a hard bench any day though, as you have much more room too spread out and there isn’t a chance of falling off like there is with a bench.

We woke up around four to go through security. Outside of security I saw a group of Russ’ers! This was exciting, because I had never seen Russes live before, only on SKAM. They’re easy to pick out because of their bright red overalls:

In Norway, Russtiden begins around April 20th and ends on May 17th, which is Norway’s national day. The Russes are grade 12 students. Long before Russtiden begins (as in years before) you gather a group of pals, name your Russ group, buy a van or bus depending on the size of your group, and soup it up however you like. When your Russtiden finally rolls around, you and your friends get in your bus or van and party in it with your fellow Russ’ers all night, every night for the entire 3+ week period. During the day, the Russes go to school, write exams, etc. This tradition is not only condoned in Norway, but encouraged.

After I dropped the Big Fella off (he caused some problems but eventually made it on his way), I went through security, where I accidentally dropped about 1000 random coins from different countries out of the EuroPack. Then I hurried out of there to Duty Free, where I bought some marsipan hvaler. Then I had to go through passport control, where I was the only person who was asked any questions about anything in the whole line of people. Passport control always makes me nervous, because I have seen way too many episodes of Border Security. Then I got on my plane and went to London. There were barely any people on my flight so I got the three seats at the very back all to myself.

I landed at London Gatwick, which is the smaller and less glamorous airport in London. My four hours there were not that enjoyable. I also had to pick up the Big Fella and recheck him between all flights, which was a burden. When I went to recheck him at the WestJet area of Gatwick, I was pleased to find a bunch of friendly Brits eager to help me. They have about 10 WestJet employees just milling around, and as soon as you show up, they all start asking “You okay?! You alroight?!!” Another great thing about Gatwick is they have the most efficient security system in the world. I was through security in less than five minutes. A few friendly Brits stand in the line maze, directing you. When you get to the front of the line maze, another friendly Brit tells you when its your turn to go to your numbered, personal station where you put all your stuff in the bin. They also have big bins so you don’t waste time putting your carry on in one bin, laptop in another, and jacket in yet another. Then you walk through the metal detector, reclaim your bin, and take it to one of the many cubicles, where you get all your stuff back together, return your bin, etc.

After security there’s a giant crowded area. In the giant crowded area, I was flagged down by Vera, an elderly Israeli lady who didn’t know how to use the wifi on her phone. I gave her a long tutorial and then went to my gate, where a family was having a big fight over a water bottle. When I eventually boarded, I was #blessed to not get an aisle seat. Almost immediately, I embarked on a 1+ hour nap. When I awoke, I was very torched to find that the plane had not moved at all (note that I was one of the last rows to board the plane, so there was no excuse for this bs). The rest of the flight when just as badly (after we finally made it into the air), with 8.5+ hours of pure hell. The only things WestJet provided to break up the trip was one 14g snack and one tiny drink near the beginning of the flight and then another 2ish hours before landing. The last snack gave me false hope that we would be landing soon, but it seemed like many years before the seatbelt sign even turned on. I would definitely class these last two hours of flying in the hot, cramped, TV-less plane as some of the worst in my short life, and considered igniting my shoe bomb several times.

Note: When I got home, I was surprised to find that WestJet is launching a low cost, no frills airline. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but what frills are there left to take away? The six pretzels shared between everyone on the plane? The seats? The toilet? The flight attendants?

When I finally arrived in Toronto, I picked up the Big Fella AGAIN and had to haul him through customs. Once again, I cleared customs and they let me back into my home country (if you can consider Toronto to be part of Canada). The first thing I did was get a tasty burrito from Freshii, because my 28g of combined WestJet snacks did not tide me over.

Nothing terribly interesting happened in the Toronto airport, which was nice, because usually its a big ol gongshow.

Finally I boarded my plane to Saskatoon. Even from the very start, I was cramping up BAD and was sure that I had developed blood clots that would probably result in amputation (best case scenario). Somehow, I made it off the plane and took the bus back to PA. From the bus depot in PA, I walked all the way back to old River Street.

*jk Jen and Pete picked me up

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furmark6-blog · 6 years ago

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MERIDA: A KITCHY KITCHEN GUIDE

Want Claire’s entire guide to Merida? Check out her PDF!

WHY MERIDA?

The Landscape:

Mérida lies about 20 miles from the Gulf of Mexico on the Yucatán, and about 100 miles from numerous Mayan ruins. Cenotes, primal sink holes that act as oases in the sweltering jungle, dot the map to the south and east through the peninsula. Proximity to wilderness and proximity to history gives Mérida the qualities of uno pueblo magico – a place where the modern, colonial and indigenes intersect in a pouring out of creativity and yes, magic. Our driver Daniel explains as we buzz through the parched bush of the Yucatán, that uno pueblo magico also has excellent food and artisans, touched by the Mayan equivalent to the muses. This sounds perfect to me, who’s coming to Mérida for a weekend of relaxation, and perhaps a little magico.

THE STAY

The michelin guide has a famous criterion for three stars, “Exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey.” To me, Coqui Coqui is an exceptional experience, worth a special journey to the heart of the Yucatán. Nestled on the bathroom counter of models, celebrities, and hip urbanites, the perfumery’s products are distinct in their jungle meets old world elegance aesthetic. Their scents conjure up images of colonial haciendas, overrun with the flora and fauna of the Yucatán, Coqui Coqui’s base of operations and source for inspiration and ingredients. The line of thirteen scents extends from candles and perfumes to bath oils, linen sprays and custom amenities for each of their four residences, each of which has a personalized fragrance. Tulum is dewy coconut, Coba is lush and green mint, Vallodolid is roses dried with tobacco, and Mérida is the scent of cigar box, inspired by the surrounding tobacco plantations.

The residence in Mérida is why I’m here. The last time I was in Tulum, I enjoyed a few meals at Coqui Coqui and was immediately charmed. The style was effortless and worn in, the tiny perfumery was an unexpected gem on that stretch of beach, and the chicken mole sandwiches were enough to sell me on their own. My trip to Tulum overall was not the quiet journey I was hoping for, but it introduced me to the Yucatán – it’s food, history, and culture – and that was something I wanted to explore further. Coqui Coqui had residences dotted across the peninsula, and I had heard of Mérida, the capital of the Yucatán state, as a pastel oasis in the jungle. Trusting that planning a trip around a Coqui Coqui residence would be worth it, I booked the trip. The hotel was full for almost every night of my window, but I was able to secure a spot. I booked the rest of my trip at the other premier boutique hotel and spa in Mérida, Rosas y Xocolate.

Arriving at Coqui Coqui, near Parque de Santa Lucia in the heart of Mérida, my husband and I enter through the L’Epicerie, a small boutique shimmering with Coqui Coqui’s bottles of perfume and glass candles. Beatrice, the manager, welcomes us. An Italian expat living in Mérida, she’s effortlessly chic but matter-of-fact in tone. Throughout my stay I pepper her with questions, running my itinerary past her to make sure it passes muster. Fortunately there are only a few adjustments she suggests. We’ve arrived early, so we take a seat in the spa courtyard, a cement tiled space shaded by lofty plastered walls and vines. The cook brings out a little cake and a selection of signature teas for us to try, offering some local honey to go with it. The space is small but maximized. Sitting on a 4000 square foot lot (and this is just me eyeballing it), the residence is indeed a home. Completely private with 15 foot walls, every inch serves a purpose. The marble kitchen opens onto the patio for easy access, the fountain echoes off of the tile near the outdoor bathtub and one room spa; stairs curls up to an outdoor breakfast patio, and further still to a wading pool. When we get to our room, it occurs to me that this is all for just us.

The residence is a one room hotel, where the guest gets the entire upstairs floor and patio to themselves. The room itself is gorgeously appointed in a stripped down, colonial style. High ceilings with rich drapes accenting the cement tile floor and minimalist decor, I got practically giddy as I bounced around the easily thousand square foot space. The canopy bed was large with soft, thin sheets; there were two gigantic bath tubs side by side, and then there was the amenities bag. I’m not above lusting over the free soap at a hotel, and I hoarded the contents of this bag like dragon’s gold. A mini bath oil and perfume in both Tabaco and Flor de Naranjo, hand soaps in both scents, custom shampoo and conditioner, and even chic little toothbrushes in tortoise and black were squirreled away into my suitcase immediately. We then walked out to the pool patio and lingered there for the afternoon.

The next morning were our spa treatments – deep tissue massages in the downstairs space. Every scent is laid out as a massage oil, including scents that are rare or hard to find back in the states. I chose Rosas Secas, which smells like an earthy fresh rose with a hint of tobacco. It’s almost impossible to find a perfect rose scent that doesn’t go powdery, soapy, or grandma’s purse, but Rosas Secas was minimalist and modern. Before the massage, you can soak in the large bath by the fountain (it’s in a very private back corner of the property) to loosen and warm up your muscles. The massage itself is deep and effective, while still being relaxing. It’s presented in an a la carte manner – no hot stones or add ons, which feels appropriate for the simplicity of the space. The other options on the spa menu include a one hour Swedish massage ($90) and a one hour organic facial made with oatmeal, honey and avocado (also $90). Loose, relaxed, and smelling wonderful, we left Coqui Coqui for a day in town.

SAFETY & TRANSPORTATION

Walking southward on the thronging Calle 58 in search of hamacas, jumping off the side walk into the street to avoid bumping abuelas exiting the bus or panaderas selling their wares, I paused at Calle 73. In two blocks I had gone from hot, noisy, and crowded to breezy silent emptiness, excluding the dozens of ladies of the night hovering on the sidewalks. That’s how quickly Mérida can change. One block is Easter Egg colonial mansions and the next is empty tiendas with “for rent” signs. It’s a technicolor checkerboard. As a rule, the farther norther you go, especially via the major avenues, the tonier (and honestly, more boring) you get. All of a sudden the panaderas are replaced by Starbucks (I counted three in a ten minute cab ride), and the high-end restaurants are in curated strip malls. The farther south you go, the less developed, commercial, and safe it gets. The happy balance is in el centro, near the Casa Montejo, where the plazas, shops, and snacks, coalesce into the perfect hour long walk. Mérida is on a convenient grid system, with odd numbered streets running east/west and even numbered streets running north/ south. It’s almost impossible to find street numbers, so most places are described by the cross streets. The city is quite safe north of Calle 65, but during the evening it’s best to take a taxi if you have to walk more than a few minutes.

WHAT TO PACK

The best time to visit Mérida, or the Yucatán in general, is from the late fall through the spring. That’s when the tropical weather is its least humid and most yielding. No rain and temperatures in the mid 80s welcomed me as the plane touched down twenty minutes from the center of Mérida. The locals kept mentioning how cold it got at night, but I never noticed more than a 15 degree difference – compared to the frigid evening air of Mexico City (dropping from 70 in the day to 40 at night). The tone is quite casual in the day, and just barely less so in the evening, though I didn’t notice any requirements beyond a shirt on your back and shoes on your feet.

Packing List:

1 pair comfortable, chic sandals 1 pair close toed shoes – or climbing down to the cenotes or exploring ancient ruins, my snakeskin slip ons were fine for this, as would be desert boots.

2 light weight shirts – cotton is best.

1 pair shorts

1 pair light pants – linen or silk is ideal.

2 dresses, one light day dress and one slightly more formal one

1 bathing suit

1 light jacket – I had a white Jenni Kayne silk blazer I wore at night.

1 light sweater or shawl – I had a traditional rebozo scarf by Carla Fernandez to throw on when the nights got cold.

A giant hat – The sun can pound on your skin, so a big, light straw hat is best)

Sunglasses – Shield yourself from the sunlight bouncing off the pale colonial buildings.

Sunscreen – I prefer Aesop’s 50 spf sunscreen; great protection with none of the usual additives found in generic sunscreens.

Dry Shampoo – the weather leans toward humid, so expect to use a bunch of this to give your hair texture. Bug Spray – If you’re visiting during the wet season,or immediately after it, make sure to spray yourself before venturing out to areas like the cenotes or ruins.

SHOPPING

Other than camping out inside Coqui Coqui’s L’Espicerie, the shopping in Mérida is varied in quality and style, but not category. The area is best known for its astonishing weavings, and you need to pick up una hamaca (a hammock), una guayabera (men’s linen shirt), una huipil (a women’s embroidered tunic, or any number of baskets, blankets, and rugs.

Note about haggling: Some shops expect haggling, others recoil at it, and it’s pretty easy to tell the difference. Curated shops with hangers and a specifically styled aesthetic tend to have the prices locked in, and if you attempt to haggle you will look awkward and boorish. Shops near the plaza with stack and stacks of rugs next to exploding shelves of pottery expect and encourage a good haggle. The best I managed was 40% off the price tag.

Hammocks: The best hammocks I found (and I went in dozens of shops) were in Guayaberas Tita (Calle 59 between 60 and 62), but Hamacas Maya gets an honorable mention. Not only was there a ton of variety, but Juan, the owner, also does custom orders. I placed my order on the first day of my trip and picked it up on my way to the airport. There are hammocks woven specifically for tourists that are only woven with one line of thread. The result is a rather flimsy contraption that can unspool the second there is a cut or tear anywhere. Locals use the five threaded hammocks, woven with very thin twine for the most comfortable experience. Practically every home in the area has one hanging in its porch, usually occupied during siesta. I longed for a hammock with fringe or tassels, but those typically have pieces of wood forcing the hammock to lie flat. I ended up ordering two hammocks, both with the higher quality five thread weave, in a natural cotton, without madera (wood) and with orilla (tassles), but not macrame, and haggled Juan down to $75 each. The cheaper, single thread hammocks cost closer to $30 each, and the gorgeous sisal ones (an agave fiber) at Coqui Coqui are about $300 each, to give you a comparison.

Guayaberas y Huipil

The guayabera is the iconic Cuban button down, worn untucked, usually paired with a cigar and straw hat, worn by heavies of the early 20th century. After the Cuban revolution, Yucatecans started weaving the popular shirt themselves. For the best ones, try Guayaberas Jack in the center of town (Calle 59 between 60 and 62), but skip on the cheap poly blends. Find the pure linen ones for the most authentic look, and comfort. Huipil are easily found all over the city, but my favorite were at Color Amor (Calle 55 between Calle 56 and Calle 58)

Other artisanal goods:

Coqui Coqui L’Espicerie // Calle 55 between Calle 64 and Calle 66

This is a must stop if spending the day in Mérida. Not only can you pick up a hard to find scent or bath product (I bought both Rosas Secas and Naranjo Negro perfume), you can also find locally created jewelry, and rebozo dresses – made of fabric woven on a waist loom – designed by Francesca Bonato, the co owner of Coqui Coqui. Honestly, I could’ve come to Mérida with the clothes on my back, shopped there, and would have been ready for the rest of my trip.

Kukul Boutik // Calle 55 between Calle 56 and Calle 58

This curated boutique is definitely more put together than the average artisan shop in the area. They carry the usual mix of woven and embroidered pieces, but their woven sisal (agave) pillowcases are especially beautiful.

Casa de las ArtesanaIas // Calle 63 between Calle 64 and Calle 66

This is a definite tourist spot, so don’t expect quality here. However, there is a large selection here and everything is quite inexpensive.

Ki Xocolatl // Calle 53 between Calle 60 and Calle 62 (inside the Parque de Santa Lucia) A belgian chocolatier in the Yucatán started this little chocolate boutique. You can purchase a cup of velvety hot chocolate, but I opted for bars of their pink peppercorn studded chocolate bars instead.

El Estudio // Paseo de Montejo between Calle 41 and Calle 43 (further north, near the Palacio Canton) This boutique has a fun, funky vibe of a 90s Urban Outfitters. Glitter crusted matchbooks emblazoned with a portrait of Frida Kahlo, vibrant skulls, and hand painted glassware fill the shelves.

FOOD & DRINK

: I might be biased by my pseudo-hipster ways, but the most flavorful, most delicious, and best food was from the local spots rather than the white tablecloth restaurants.

Street Food Tips: Stick to the places with the longest lines. If they’re popular, then they aren’t getting people sick regularly. Also look for older, professional types. Doctors, lawyers, and cops can’t afford to get sick from street meat, so they’ll be conservative with where they get their street food. Teenagers, on the other hand, play more fast and loose.

Look around: Does it look clean? Is food left sitting around? Use your eyes and nose to tell you if the food looks good to you. If you’re apprehensive, just walk to the next cart. Better safe than sorry!

Water/Ice: Potable water is an issue in Mexico, so if you’re buying a respado (shaved ice) or an icy drink, make sure it’s from a place that uses filtered water.

Have a plan: I’m a research nut, so I looked up street food spots in Tulum that my favorite food writers and publications recommended. It makes the hunt so much easier!

Marlin Azul // Calle 62 between Calle 57 and Calle 59

This tiny restaurant is possibly the best seafood in Mérida. There are a few different options on the menu, but honestly, when a giant platter of ceviche is in front of you, how can you think of anything else? The habanero salsa is especially good here as well.

El Cangrejito // Calle 57 between Calle 64 and Calle 66

Fish tacos for breakfast? Yes indeed, but a far departure from the Ensenada style. These are fresh, served with different sauces and garnishes. You walk up to the front and just point at whatever fillings you like. We got one of everything: bacalao with capers, fried white fish, camarones ceviche, and my favorite, the langostino.

La Michoacana // Multiple locations

Paletas are a must, and La Michoacana is an easy choice. There’s a rainbow of flavors, but mamey is my favorite. If you’re not familiar, it’s a tropical fruit that’s fuzzy and brown on the outside (not unlike a kiwi) and with a rich red flesh that tastes like sweet potato pie. But hey, I won’t blame you if you go with mango con chile.

El Colón Sorbetes y Dulces Finos // Two locations, up on Paseo de Montejo and in the Zocalo

Situated right across the zócalo (main square), El Colón has been serving freshly made sorbet (without extra sugar and preservatives) for one hundred year. The tables on the sidewalk are perfect for people watching and cooling off on a sweltering Meridian afternoon. I ordered my favorite, mamay, but try the guava or tamarindo for a bright kick.

Apaola // Calle 53 between Calle 60 and Calle 62 (inside the Parque de Santa Lucia)

Combining Mexican, Oaxacan, and Yucatecan influences, Apaola is a favorite restaurant amongst travelers. Located inside Parque de Santa Lucia, the restaurant spills out onto a lovely courtyard. The menu is filled with modern fusion dishes (the appetizers were best, so I’d recommend ordering more of those), so don’t expect to find cochinita pibil on the menu. The mezcal and tequila selection is excellent, and the restaurant is very popular, so make sure to make reservations.

Tacos at Wayané, Mérida, Mexico // The corner of Calle 20 and Calle 15 just north of the Parque de Itzimná

Pronounced “why-en-AY,” the name is Mayan for, “here we are.” That’s the perfect name for this taco stand, a favorite amongst locals. This is an almuerzo spot. It’s not breakfast or lunch, but mid morning snack time. The Loría family have run the Wayan’e street stand for 20 years. They serve savory tacos and tortas throughout the morning, scooping flavorful fillings like smoky chicken fajitas and scrambled eggs with Swiss chard out of clay pots that customers point to. All dishes are from 8 to 12 pesos. Everything is cooked fresh every morning and when the food is gone, the place closes down for the day, usually by 2:00 pm. It’s a drive from the center of town, so expect to taxi.

Néctar // Av. Andrés García Lavín, between Calle 41 and Calle 43

Mérida’s newest haute cuisine restaurant is Nectar, where the ambitious chef Roberto Solis, having done time in the kitchens of Noma, Per Se, and the Fat Duck, plays with indigenous flavors and French techniques. My favorite dish was actually the dessert, which played with texture of coconut and was dusted with charred rosemary.

K’u’uk // Paseo de Montejo and Calle 27A (on the round about)

Taking haute cuisine a step further, K’u’uk presents symbolic and metaphoric dishes, relating to Mayan culture. Chef Pedro Evia utilizes locally sourced ingredients and inventive modern gastronomy to create a palette bending experience. If you’re going to do one “big meal” on your trip to Mérida, go here.

Chaya Maya // On the corner of Calle 57 and Calle 62

I’m usually leery of restaurants where servers dress up in traditional costumes, seeing it as a ploy for tourists, but Chaya Maya is actually enjoyed by the local population as well. This place is all about the Yucatán, so go for Los Tres Mosqueteros, or The Three Musketeers, for a nice overview of three classic Yucatecan dishes: relleno negro (a black sauce made from burnt chiles and spices) over pork; papadzul (egg enchiladas); and pipián (a sauce with a pumpkin seed base) over turkey. There are several other locations, but I like this one’s low key energy

Kii Wik // Avenida Garcia Lavin and Calle 37-B

From the team behind K’u’uk, Kii Wik is a small cafe in the tonier part of town. It’s pretty busy, but has excellent coffee and chilequiles, along with a cute bakery and gourmet shop.

Oliva Enoteca & Kitchen // On the corner of Calle 47 & Calle 54

If you don’t feel like Mexican, Oliva is a beautiful choice. With wine personally selected by the Chef to complement the cuisine, and modern rustic dishes that include an array of burrata, lemon scented ricotta with shrimp, daily fish, and simple antipasti, it’s a beautiful bit of Europe in the heart of the Yucatán.

Poxeria // Paseo de Montejo between Calle 41 and Calle 43 (further north, near the Palacio Canton)

Located next door to El Estudio (the boutique I mentioned above), we stumbled across this coffee and pox (pronounced posh) shop quite unexpectedly. The coffee is from Chiapas and honestly, the best we had in Mérida. Pox is an interesting choice when you’re over mezcal – it’s corn based and tastes quite a bit like moonshine, which isn’t surprising considering that it’s 53% ABV.

Hacienda Teya // Mérida-Cancún Highway, Kilometer 12.5 (about 20 minutes outside of Mérida)

Inside this 17th-century plantation that switched from cattle to henequen, used for making rope, at the end of the 19th century, is a boisterous family restaurant. Large tables are packed with families enjoying a post-misas (we were there on Sunday) meal. Surprisingly, there were no tourists, just locals. Try the classics like sopa de lima, or the sample platter that includes cochinita pibil, Puntas de filete al xcatic, and poc chuc.

SIGHTS

Catedral de Mérida // Calle 60 between Calle 61 and Calle 63

This almost 500 year old Cathedral hovers over the city center, with a constant flow of observants moving in and out of its imposing doors. Finished in 1598, the cathedral is a combination of late renaissance and early baroque styles, with obvious influence from the Roman and Moorish tinged Andalusia.

Casa de Montejo // Calle 63 between Calle 60 and Calle 62

A bank is now housed behind the brilliant façade of this extremely rare example of 16th century civil architecture, but take a step in, and you’ll find a small free museum featuring seasonal exhibits and a preserved dining room from the original house. The ceiling frescoes are gorgeous and the gift shop is actually a lovely mix of artisanal products that aren’t seen anywhere else in the city.

Palacio Cantón // Paseo de Montejo between Calle 41 and Calle 43

Nestled in the center of Paseo de Montejo, an avendue lined with henequen funded Beaux Arts-style mansions, lies the Palacio Cantón. Built in the first decade of the twentieth century as a family residence for General Canton (one of the most prominent figures of his time), it now houses the Mayan Anthropological Museum. Since 1980, its permanent exhibition about the pre-Hispanic Mayan society is presented on the main floor, with exhibitions, educational workshops and cultural events offered upstairs.

Chichén Itzá

An hour and a bit away from Mérida The stepped pyramids, temples, columned arcades, and other stone structures of Chichén Itzá were sacred to the Maya, and the center of their spiritual life from A.D. 750 to 1200. Go in the afternoon, when the Temple of Kukulkan, also known as El Castillo, reveals itself in the light. This impressive step pyramid demonstrates the accuracy and importance of Maya astronomy, which is specifically oriented to catch the light, creating the illusion of an undulating feathered snake going down the steps. This even happens in the afternoon, and is easier to see the closer you are to the spring solstice. The previous structure was 17 degrees off, so the Mayans made an adjustment, and 52 years later (as dictated by their calendar to be a full period cycle) corrected it with the structure that now stands. The whole complex is awe inspiring in scope, especially when you realize they built it without the use of wheels. We wandered over to the ball court, the largest in the Americas measuring 554 feet long and 231 feet wide.These ritual games were a spiritual rite, with two teams of seven trying to hit a rubber ball through an impossible looking small, high hoop. The winner was put to death, a fact that a German couple on the tour with us refused to believe. It was considered an honor to die, as the games were for the gods’ glory, and not the players.

Cenotes

There are cenotes all of the region, but the one we stopped by on our way back from Chichén Itzá, near Yokdzonot. A cenote is a natural pit, or sinkhole, that exposes groundwater underneath, sometimes used by the ancient Maya for sacrificial offerings (usually women who would jump in as an sacrifice to the water god, Chaac). Now they’re open as little oases in the jungle heat. There are three different types of cenotes: jug cenotes, with a small hole at the top; cave cenotes, where you enter through a cave; and my favorite, cylinder cenotes which have vertical walls. The reason why those are my favorite is a bit vain, but I like how beautifully cylinder cenotes photograph. The light bounces on the light, adventurous swimmers can dive in from high up the side, and tree roots dangle overhead. Skip Progresso Beach, which is very privatized and a bit of a challenge to navigate if you’re unfamiliar with the area, and jump into a cenote instead.

Source: https://www.thekitchykitchen.com/travel/merida-kitchy-kitchen-guide/

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martywurst · 8 years ago

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My First and Worst Year: Open Mic Hell

It can be pretty lonely going to an open mic when you’re starting out, especially if none of your friends are comedians. I missed the boat when a wave of my friends had just quit a year prior. I think they were just depressed by the overall experience or had moved on to better things. Eventually, I ran into a couple of people that I knew, but we didn’t hit all the same mics.

You venture out to these open mics, sign up on a list or throw your name in a bucket for a lottery draw. Echoes Under Sunset was typically swamped with 40-50 comedians. If I was way down the list, it could be hours before I got up. Then by the time it was my turn I might have an audience of 2 because everyone either bounced to other mics, or were just hanging out in the other room, charging their phones and socializing. I’d marvel at comedians that dropped in and were immediately put up. What the fuck? Why do these motherfuckers just get to go up and bounce immediately after? I've been waiting for 2 hours!

It made my blood boil.

Sometimes I'd go to an open mic early and the host would show up with the list. Then I'd go to sign up and there would be 10 people on the list already! What the FUCK?

All part of the game. This would happen for a number of reasons. People are texting the host for an early sign up- friends hook friends up, especially when everyone's trying to hit 3-4 mics a night. Or maybe it's a comic with a higher status- someone who's been in the game longer, so they get the respect and are granted "pop-ins". A few of those comedians would drop in and then shit on the venue in their set. Like it was beneath them to do that open mic.

Occasionally I'd luck out, get up early, and see a lot of comics in the audience...looking down at their phones, not supporting at all. Maybe just frozen in a grimace. I realized that all of this was just part of the grind. I think it's personal, but it's not. I'm just not funny.

Some mics feel like cliques, where the support isn't there unless I'm already in their circle. More than likely, I just suck!

Comedians in the open mic scene have witnessed the same cliches pass through a million times. The young cocky guys that want to be shocking. The misogyny. White guys that think they can drop the N-word because their favorite comedian did it. Comedians that can't take the silence so they start screaming at the audience. And not at other comics, they're screaming at customers- just innocent people that happen to be there.

I saw a comic walk up to someone who was studying and scream in his ear. Just some student who didn't care that an open mic was going on because it was a fucking coffee shop. Lot of these open mics are in random places and customers might feel like they're being held hostage. I saw a young comic scream at an elderly man to suck his dick. Others have called audience members cunts. Long sets devoid of jokes.

Familiar topics range from:

1. Fat women should be grateful that I want to fuck them!

2. Midgets are ridiculous.

3. Homeless people are gross.

4. I'm fine with gay people, (my cousin is gay) as long as they don't try to fuck me in the ass.

5. Rape, molestation, 9/11, Hitler, and incest.

6. Passive aggressive rant about (insert race here)

7. Bitches be crazy.

8. A woman having her period (a disgusted man's perspective)

9. Asians are bad drivers. (occasionally told by a comic of Asian descent)

10. Dude, that's so gay.

11. Hitting women.

12. Aids. (very popular)

One of my favorite segues was at Rockpaper Coffee- a mic where the darkest of souls would gather to charge their phones. This dude named Glenn just said horrible stuff about women for a few minutes and then he transitions with,

"I just want a girlfriend."

I remember there was an avant-garde asshole at The Palace. We'd perform upstairs in this Chinese restaurant (it's still going) and this one dude starts yelling down at a family that's just trying to celebrate their kid's birthday party. The comic is doing this violent hacking cough, flailing his arms, jumping into the wall behind him, and leaning over the balcony to yell at the party. He picks up a potted plant and all this soil spills out over the floor. It might sound hilarious as I'm describing it, but nobody was laughing. The host was livid. Of course he leaves without helping to clean up. One of those real artistic performers.

I change my mind, that guy was fucking brilliant. I think his name was Crispin Glover.

That's the thing, I end up meeting people that respect those kind of performers immensely and I have to question my judgement all over again.

Oh, I see, he's emulating unfunny incarnate, I just didn't get it!

I've seen so many long, ranting monologues. There's never a shortage. I'm so depressed. I want to kill myself. Comics shitting on everything they're not. Shitting on religion just because. Comedians rolling around on the stage, screaming, doing their version of an uncomfortable Andy Kaufman set. I subjected my girlfriend to a few of these mics.

I've become a little desensitized to the appalling behavior and just come to accept it. Most of these morons will be gone in a year or two, or they'll change their strategy from attacking the audience to writing actual jokes.

I'm friends with comics that have done these things. That's on me. I have conflicting emotions because you meet really nice people that have done awful things on stage. You should be able to express yourself at an open mic right? Maybe they just needed to get that shit out. I've definitely embarrassed myself countless times, but I firmly believe that I sink by myself. I hate comics that attack the audience because they can't handle their bombing.

With that said, I'm sure I'm due for a meltdown in the future.

Besides, that last bit killed at Flappers, so fuuuuuuuuuuck you pregnant lady, your unborn child's a cunt!

...sorry about that.

This might cheer you up, here's a picture of Jared Levin playing to a totally empty room!

So I would spend hours trying to get up at various places. Sometimes there's a drink minimum. Maybe a $5 entry fee. Some mics are absolutely free. Average 3 minute sets. Some were 4-5. At Marty's you could do 20 or more. That's not necessarily a good thing.

To add to the insanity I'd see these crazy people getting on stage.

They're clearly not serious about doing comedy, and now they're robbing me of stage time! Motherfucker.

I took it really personally. Anyone who didn't seem to care about stand-up just got under my skin. I was taking the metro blue line to the red line from Long Beach up to Hollywood, which would take anywhere from 90 minutes to 2 hours. Then I would wait around for an hour or two to MAYBE go up (lottery draw, mixed with drop-ins and employees) and then some careless fuckhead employee at the Improv automatically gets to go up? They didn't even write any shit! They even said it three time during their set,

"I didn't write anything."

GREAT! Now there's this ancient vaudeville fuck doing his act from the 1940's. He's getting out the shoe polish....DEAR GOD.

I actually heard a Tammy Faye Baker and Monica Lewinsky joke- I couldn't believe it.

It's just one of those things, there's certain people you only see at certain open mics over and over- like The Laugh Factory, The Comedy Store, or The Ice House. Same weirdos popping up. A woman singing some horrible song and rambling incoherently about her life story. The dude with the huge sombrero that kept clearing his throat and fucking with his phone during everyone else's set. There was also a conspiracy theory guy that would bring charts on stage.

Most of the hosts just embrace these people. Just give them their time and move on. Maybe these mics are keeping them from doing something worse. Or maybe it's keeping them alive. Pretty dramatic, but who the fuck knows.

One guy showed up to The Ice House to battle his fear of public speaking. He would break down and cry almost every set.

Some open mics encourage feedback from other comics after your set. It's a great idea that a lot of people take advantage of. I was never crazy about it because I'm stubborn and I hate most comic's material, so why would I want their input? I do like technical notes about what I'm doing on stage, but I'm a stickler for what's written. No one can improve my 9/11 dick joke, it's the best one clearly.

Then I found myself giving unwarranted advice to comics that didn't ask for it. Jesus Marty, you're barely a year in. What the fuck do you possibly have to offer?

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I gradually made friends. It took awhile. I struggle to be myself in front of other comics to this day because I care too fucking much. I come off like a phony and I know it, but I'm trying to let it all go. No one is thinking about me! They're probably thinking, well that guy sucked, or not this piece of shit again, but that's probably it. They're worried about their set.

The Comedy Store patio mic was instrumental in finding my voice a bit. Very thankful to Josh Martin for hosting it. It was the 50-yard line for an open mic week. Wednesdays AND Thursdays at 4pm, which is really early for a week day mic. It left me plenty of time to hit some more mics at 6 or 7pm. When I was taking the bus everywhere, it meant a lot to get those two guaranteed mics in every week. I started to loosen up because of this place. I felt a camaraderie here. I really bonded with some good people.

There were so many distractions- the street noise alone. Every few minutes, a bus would pull over to take pictures. TMZ and Rasta buses. Double decker buses. Just a bunch of tourists on vacation getting bombarded with worthless information about The Comedy Store and now they were staring at us. So we would try to make something of that moment. Or I might just say something lame, lose my place and never recover. Some comics screamed at them. We'd hear the occasional request of,

"Tell us a joke!"

One time I took the challenge and told a quick joke to a bunch of tourists on a bus and got the laugh. That felt like the accomplishment of the year for me- Sean K. was just clowning on how I was gonna choke and then under the gun I got the laugh.

One time a bunch of dudes in a party bus asked a comedian to hop in for a ride.

He did. We never saw him again.

PJ Stansbury would wander into the mic, drinking PBR and promptly shit on everybody during his set. He's what most moms would call a "potty-mouthed troll." I had no idea he was a paid regular. This guy was spewing so much toxic bile I was stunned to know his name was on the fucking wall. First impressions man. They never last. Now he's just a potty-mouthed troll that I happen to like.

Pauly Shore would occasionally pull into the driveway to do business at the Store and give us a wave.

Sometimes pedestrians would participate in the madness. They could hear us from the street, so they'd yell shit out as they walked by. Heckling would take place too, or on a couple of occasions a shouting match. It was always fun to see people stop in their tracks and then actually come in for a few minutes to watch. The bar was open after all.

That particular mic was a great training ground and there was just something about that energy outside on Sunset Blvd.

There were the audition mics like Flappers, that could lead to an audition, which would lead to those bringer-type shows.

Or you could stand outside the Laugh Factory for a few hours and sign up to perform the following week! Also an audition type scenario that could lead to longer sets and showcase consideration... don't hold your breath.

Always a sober moment when some beautiful person in a fancy car rolls down their window to question the line of 15 comics, standing outside the Laugh Factory.

"Who are you waiting for, what comedian?"

"No, we're waiting to sign up- WE'RE the comedians."

"Oh." (sympathetic wave, drives off)

Some of the comedians are in lawn chairs. One guy is eating a sandwich from the deli next door. An old man is talking our ear off about his "comedy career" back in the day. They cut the line at 15, but the 16th person is waiting anyway- just in case. They're going to be disappointed. No exceptions.

I'd sit around, try to write a joke for a minute and then give up. Someone would start a conversation with me. Or hand me their dog for this picture.

That's the only good thing I really have to say about standing outside the Laugh Factory. I meet good people. I won't meet the owner, Jamie Masada. At least, not any time soon. He's in the Bahamas or something. Which is a good thing, I'm still terrible. He was there once out of the 7 times I've done it. so I eventually grew bored and got involved with other things.

I'll end this entry with another painful artifact. I can't bring myself to watch this again, but I'll post it.

I was interested in the Flappers podcast, the "FlappCast" because the owners/hosts had on a lot of comedians that I knew. Anyone could do a short set. Plus they booked some pretty good guests to sit in and give feedback. Very much like the KillTony podcast except nothing funny happens.

I take that back, GT's appearance, which I must hunt down. They were so shocked by his performance. Nothing like an eccentric, hated, ticking time-bomb comic to blow the lid off an unsuspecting room.

So I found out how to sign up and made a fool of myself. I remember being so disappointed that they didn't get me. That I was doing these outlandish bits; an over-the-top impression that couldn't be serious. An over-the-top story that couldn't be true. When I talked to them I felt like they hadn't even listened to me.

Not that any of my material was good, my shirt alone sealed my doom.

to be continued...

#martywurst #laopenmics #comedystore #flappersburbank #flappcast #laughfactory #jamiemasada #thelexington #echoesundersunset #theicehouse #hollywoodimprov #comedystorepatio

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