#for average weight recipes

[vamptastic]

I kinda vaguely think it may help with my wonky metabolic markers but I have no fucking clue how people sustain low carb diets on a budget. My mom has to follow a similar sort of diet because she has Hashimoto's disease and refined grains (and also some random stuff like green tea) will tank her white blood cell count, but she can still eat whole grains so once she saw a dietician we started to buy whole wheat pasta & brown rice and such for family dinners bc 100% carb-less dinner was untenable. And she still ends up eating stuff that she's not supposed to on accident when going out because we just don't live somewhere where you can buy a low-carb meal out (except a salad, even then she has to ask to have certain things removed). Ironically fast food chains tend to be the most reliable in having a gluten free substitute. On Passover we mostly end up eating fish and lunch is matza ball soup all week. Like how do you do this shit longterm without cracking because whole grains are fucking expensive and cooking without having an easy to prepare carb like rice or pasta is a nightmare.

[homunculus-argument]

You know what fantasy stories don't use enough? Different measuring scales, and confusion caused by them. Because before the metric system, practically every place and culture had their own measures for weights, lengths and distances. It would be fun to add that into a story for added realistic cultural confusion.

The average dwarf is four or five feet tall, but not in human measures. Yeah they're still shorter than humans but the dwarf foot (and the namesake measure of length) is bigger in proportion to their body. "Is that in dwarf feet or human feet?" is a common question to hear on construction sites, wherever human carpenters and dwarf masons are working together.

A dedicated local Common Misconception Historian has a pet peeve about the whole "princess Featherblade was only 12 years old when she led the attack on Marshland Halls" -myth, because the historical recordings on the human side are off. While she was remarkably young, that myth came about back in the day when humans were still trying to apply "dog years" to elves, and in an elven life span, 120 years is not a direct equivalent to a 12-year-old human.

A whole culture whose smallest unit of weight loosely translates to "about as much as an apple", and varies from region to region depending on the size of local apples. These people are famed for their alchemists, whose uncanny ability to simply measure their ingredients by heart, making their recipes essentially impossible to replicate. This famed skill is a matter of survivor bias - the ones that don't have that knack ten to explode into fine mist.

[thegainingdesk]

Momentum

It was hard at first. John thought he knew exactly what to do - he'd read enough gainer stories, followed enough fat guys on twitter for years. All it would take was the decision to dive headfirst into gaining and he'd be as big as any of them in no time at all.

Once a day, every day, he'd eat something that would add at least a thousand calories to his diet. He'd barely even notice. A tub of ice cream, a pot of double cream, a whole cake, a second dinner - all very doable, all easily passing that thousand calorie threshold. Once that got easy, he'd start upping his intake - supplementing it with gainer shakes, or trips to fast food restaurants between meals.

It turns out that your average 12 stone man isn't really built to suddenly, rapidly increase the amount of calories he's taking in. Especially when most of those excess calories were dairy. He spent most evenings clutching his flat stomach as it churned with acid. Each evening he'd vomit it all back up, or have to miss meals, or feel nauseous the next day - constant signals from his body to stop.

He actually lost six pounds that first month. Maybe gaining wasn't meant for him. He watched enviously as his mates the same age succumbed to middle aged spread as they hit their mid-thirties, lamenting how lucky he was to still have his twenty year old metabolism as they patted beer bellies they couldn't shift.

John went back to his old diet, gained back those lost six pounds, and accepted he was just always going to be the skinny one in the group. He kept up a few old habits of course - still bought some of the ice cream flavours he'd discovered for the occasionally treat, kept up cooking with butter and cream where he'd found out how much they improved certain recipes, always made sure there were a few beers in the fridge for those nights when he fancied it. Nothing mad though, nothing that would cause any weight gain, just a few treats. You've got to enjoy life, haven't you?

John looked in amazement at the scales. A stone. An actual, whole stone. 14 pounds. On his body! He started noticing things - the tiniest pinch when he buttoned up his jeans, the slightest blur of softness on his stomach. It was nothing really, nothing anyone would notice, but it was there - solid proof that he could gain weight. He'd just pushed himself too far before, he realised with a laugh. Slow and steady and all that.

All those little habits became regular. Dessert every other night, then every night. Cooking with butter and cream no matter the recipe. A couple of six packs of beer a week. Nothing too intense, not that many calories, but it all started adding up, bit by bit.

Fancy coming for an Indian? the text read.

John's fingers hovered. The answer was obvious - thanks, I've just eaten, I'll join you at the pub after if you're going. But… his fingers traced that new curve of his gut, inching slowly bigger by the month. Not enough to be visible in most clothes really, not enough to be called fat, but there, sure enough. Was he really full? He could eat, couldn't he? What's a curry and a couple of naans?

You off to the Raj? he texted back. What time?

That old familiar feeling, of a stomach overly stuffed, too much food and beer. But different this time. The pain was there. The pressure. But there was a certain enjoyment to it. A pleasure. Warm, rather than acidic; heavy, rather than sharp. And god but didn't his gut look round? He stood in profile in the mirror, holding it almost like a pregnancy announcement. How long until it was always this size, he wondered? How long until it was bigger?

A second dinner became a weekly occurrence, then spread to two times a week, three times, four. After all, he'd proven to himself he had the capacity - why not? Eventually if he hadn't had four meals a day topped off with ice cream he'd be ravenous, his stomach biting at him in retaliation for his neglect.

He crossed 200 pounds. 210. 220. Clothes were bought, grown into, outgrown, and the cycle repeated. The general increase in size that had come before gave way to true signs of fatness. Soft pockets of fat at his chest, his arse rounding out, chubby cheeks, a real, honest to god, gut. It was happening. It was really fucking happening.

His mate Sam, the largest of the group, reached over and slapped John's baby gut after he took his coat off one night at the pub. "Fucking hell mate!" he said. "Never thought I'd see you with one of these!" There were some jeers, some belly pats, some comments - "At least you're not making us look bad anymore." "Welcome to the club, mate."

John looked around as he downed half of his first pint. How much more weight until he was the biggest there? None of them were that big, really, even Sam. Just a load of ex-rugby players with some overdeveloped beer guts. Another 30 or 40 pounds maybe? 18 stone? It sounded good, didn't it? And it would take, what? Six months at his current rate? A nice place to stop for a bit, enjoy his weight and new status as the big guy of the group.

He downed the rest of his drink and went to the bar for his next. "What we eating tonight then lads?" he asked them all, thinking back to the burger and chips he'd had just before coming.

It was all a lot easier with a definite goal in mind, he thought to himself a few weeks later, as he finished a tub of ice cream and placed it down next to four empty beer bottles. The sizes of snacks crept up, until they were meals in and of themselves, and he'd find himself convincing himself he was hungry almost as soon as he'd finished eating. He started stashing snacks everywhere that he couldn't reasonably expect a meal - the passenger seat of his car became reserved for a small mound of chocolate bars, the bottom drawer of his desk at work was filled with crisps and cereal bars.

His mates fell silent as he walked up to them a few months later, the next time he saw them, and he grinned smugly as he saw that, yes, he'd definitely become the fattest there. A couple of them even looked like they'd lost weight, the stupid pricks - didn't they know how good this felt? He put his pint and packet of pork scratchings down, and maneuvered himself down into his seat.

"Jesus Christ John," Sam said softly. "Are you… I mean… Is everything okay?"

John slapped the top of his gut and beamed. "Just enjoying life mate!" he replied, laughing. He tried to listen in as the others murmured around him, doing their best to not be too obvious.

"He wasn't that big last time, was he?" "Definitely not, he was smaller than me." "What's it been, four months? Three?" "He's not ill, do you reckon?" "Must be four stone, at least?"

Okay, so he knew he'd overshot his target and weighed in at 20 stone and change that morning, and yes, how fast it had piled on had shocked even himself, but really, it was all so hot, he was hardly about to complain. In fact, he'd made the decision that 285 felt a little small, really. Why not push for 300, when he was already so close anyway? Then he'd be satisfied, he knew.

"Mate," Sam whispered to him quietly, leaning in. "You've got a little uhh…" He gestured to his face. John took a finger and wiped the corner of his mouth.

"Cheers mate," John said, licking his finger. "Just a bit of cream." He spent the night making jokes about how fat he was getting, and eventually everyone else relaxed a little, content that he at least seemed happy with his shocking weight gain. Underneath his gut, his cock was rock hard.

300 pounds, it turned out, also felt a little small. Or at least, that's what John told himself a couple of months later as he saw 316 flashing on the scales. Maybe just a little bit more - a few more pounds and then he'd stop, once and for all.

But god, did it feel hot. Eating became its own erotic experience. It wasn't merely that he couldn't cum anymore without being completely, painfully stuffed (that point had long since come and gone), he now wondered why he would want to at all. Hook-ups became as much about being fed as they were about the sex. He didn't care who they were - if they had food and were willing to feed him, he'd take them.

John's body became unrecognisable. He was far beyond mere beer belly or dad bod now, his gut was now a globe that spanned out in every direction, wrapping around into thick cushions at his back, draped in inches of fat on top of the firm ball, before cascading off, a surprisingly cold apron of flesh that was slowly threatening to cover his ever shrinking cock. His tits sagged to the side and joined up to his back fat nestled in his armpit. His face, long-since fully rounded, began to elongate, his cheeks and chins sagging into new shapes.

John panted a little as he stood naked in his bathroom, doing his best to push his gut in with one hand as he peered over the top of it to see the scale read 363. "Right," he told the walls of the bathroom. "That's it, I'm stopping there." He struggled to lean down to pick the scales up, sliding them away to the side of the cabinet before straining to stand. "I only bloody wanted to be bigger than Sam."

Food, however, still tasted as good as it had before. And every meal he tried to scale back, every snack he tried to forgo, left him ravenous - each day he'd just end up gorging on more food than he tried to cut back on.

370. 380. 390.

His body began to feel alien. Every joint began to feel crowded, flesh filling the space before he could fully bend his elbow or knee. His arms sat awkwardly by his sides, pushed out by sloping tits. Manspreading became the default, as his thighs met all the way down to his knees which themselves began to inflate out, pillowy and soft.

400. 410. 420.

The gym, he decided. If dieting was out of the question (and there was no doubt at this point that dieting was very much out of the question), he could always exercise. He drove to a nearby gym, asked about personal trainers. Put down more money than one of his mortgage payments for their premium membership for a year, as much to force himself to commit as for the actual services.

His feet ached. His knees grinded. His lungs burned. Sweat poured off of him in quantities that he didn't know people could sweat - and he considered himself to be quite the expert on sweating these days.

Fuck it, he thought to himself after the first session, his circus tent of a t-shirt practically see-through, clinging to every roll of his body, showing off each crevice and valley. It wasn't that much money, really. He could afford to wave goodbye to it, if it meant never having to do that again. What did he have such a good salary for, if not to waste it on shit he'd never use? He'd have only spent it on food anyway.

430. 440. 450.

"My weight's plateaued recently, actually," he told Sam proudly over a pint.

Sam gave an encouraging smile. "That's great mate," he said, in the same tone he'd speak to a child or elderly relative. "Really great."

"Yeah," John said, opening one of the bags of nuts on the table in front of them. "I only put on like five pounds last month."

"Fuck," Sam said quietly, his face draining of colour. "Five pounds last- John, mate, that's still over a pound a week. What are you… how quickly were you packing it on before?"

John shrugged, and pointed to the rugby match on the TV in the corner of the pub, trying to change the topic. At least Sam had put on some weight himself recently - it blunted to criticism just a little.

"I'm over twenty stone now," Sam confessed later, his breath reeking of beer as he leant in close. "I don't know how I'm going to stop," he continued, his words slurring. He leant back and pulled his t-shirt up to reveal his hairy gut beginning to fill his lap and he slapped it. "Look at this thing!" he said loudly enough that people at other tables looked over and laughed. He began to rub it in slow, wide circles, and John could see the outline of his dick growing down the inside of his trousers. He leant back in, lowered his voice once more. "It's kind of fucking hot, isn't it?" he asked, punctuating with a burp. "That's why you've gotten so fat, right? You find it hot too?"

Forty five minutes later, Sam clumsily lined up his cock with one of the folds on John's gut, and slid it inside, grunting as he did so. Both of them held a kebab in one hand, and ate them as Sam's gut and John's whole body shook and quivered with Sam's thrusts, bits of meat and salad and sauce falling down onto their bodies.

"I can't stop," Sam moaned, as his thrusts became more erratic. "I keep on trying to lose weight but I just gain more and more." He spasmed and yelled out, one hand shoving the last of the kebab into his mouth, the other gripping one of his love handles hard, his fingers sinking in to the growing ball of fat.

"That's the thing about momentum," John said as he licked the last of the sauce off his fingers. "Once you get started, it just gets harder and harder to stop."

Sam slid off of John's body and John looked down at himself, surveying his acres of flesh. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to put on just a little more weight, he thought to himself. After all, Sam needed someone to set a good example.

[scarapanna]

Guide to Aviator cookies and how they use magic [Bound to the skies!AU]

I've gotten into thinking about avian cookies some more these days, mainly how they work and their abilities, so here's a bit of an info dump regarding them!!

As usual with my info/headcanon posts, I'll divide this one into sections for continuity's sake (This is all AU lore but I'll still use regular cookies as an example to compare them with silly bird cookies).

[More info about them can be found in the character sheets, here's the first]

Mkay so first things first, what are Aviators?

Aviators are a type of cookie found all around Earthbread, these can be identified easily, as they're smaller in stature compared to other pastries and resemble different kinds of birds based on their ingredients.

Their defining traits are caused by how these cookies are baked: the process is the same as normal cookies for the most part, then once cookie dough has been prepared it's mixed in with ingredients from different pastry recipes.

This was originally a mistake that was then integrated into the main recipe for this kind of pastry, as it had interesting effects aside from the wings.

The common ones include:

A bigger resistance to water, with Avians getting soggy at a much slower rate.

Softer dough on the outside, allowing for less crumbly bodies but making it easier to bruise and cut.

Lighter weight to allow easier flight, this due to their internal structure (The pastry equivalent of hollow bones in birds).

So there are a bunch of pros and cons of being an Avian cookie, but what about magic?

How magic works for Avian cookies

Like the average cookie, Aviators have different attack elements and types of magic they can learn to use, alongside both having a ""battery"" for magic known as mana they spend to cast spells.

However, due to their baking process and softer dough, the body of an average aviator is not as efficient at retaining mana as cookies normally would be.

This causes them to suffer from a "mana spill" whenever they use magic, and the longer they do so the more will be lost, effectively draining them of energy much faster.

The only ones unaffected are ancient beasts, the sugar swan and legendary cookies (Not all of them are Aviators), with all three being made with bodies able to contain and expell powerful magic properly.

How is the problem dealt with?

As a result of this limitation on magic, all avian cookies tend to resort to physical combat and strategize their usage of power. Some wait more than others, some use magic in small bursts to recharge, and some save up as much as they can, it all depends on the individual's preference really.

When it comes to healing, there are times where multiple healers work on one patient (If a wound is too severe and taxing to treat alone), using medical tools to make the job easiers when energy is too low for the team to continue with magic.

This is the case with broken wings and complex breaks in the dough, with the former requiring an incredible amount of precision, focus, and power to reduce the chance of complications (If the wing is not set in place properly during healing or the tecnique is sloppy, patients risks infections and never being able to fly again).

[creativity-deficient]

Random Tweek Tweak hcs bc im thinking bout him yet again :)))

-Has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, made worse by the increased use of Methamphetamine over the years and mistaken for adhd (canon/implied canon), which I do like to think DOES have as well. He is also on the autism spectrum.

-Has mild Seborrheic dermatitis, a skin condition that causes red and flaky patches of skin and usually flares up due to stress. It starts mainly on his head/under his hair as a kid but worsens in his teens years. Also has dermatillomania (a skin picking disorder), as well. Both of these become a lot worse in his teen years, with the addition of meth induced skin sores and hormonal acne to boot, but do become a lot more manageable for him as an adult. Still however, he does have some faint scars from all the picking and scratching over the years.

-Small tubby lil guy :) (sorta?? implied canon??), below average in height and considerably pudgy compared to most of his peers (genetics/stress eating). Loses a lot of this weight in his teen years due to health issues, but does gain a lot of it back as an adult. Also has a pudgy baby face that he never quite grows out of, even as an adult.

-His eyes a blue hazel, a rare eye color

-Sometimes snaps and hums to calm himself down.

-Enjoys baking as a casual hobby, though he’s still an amateur and doesn��t know how to make much. (implied canon)

-Once joined every school club because he had an anxiety attack and couldn’t decide what to pick

-Habitual nail chewer, again something he usually does due to stress. Nails are very short and stubby because of this

-Bandages on his fingers due to burns, skin picking, and nail biting

-Chronic ice-chewer

-Never learns to tie his shoes. Kept tripping over his laces before finally taking them out. Untied laces to laceless shoes to crocs to socks with sandals to velcro shoes pipeline

-Also never learns to drive, too much stress. Forever in his passenger princess era ✨

-Lowkey a backseat driver, though not in a “know it all” type of way. He mostly just freaks out the entire time.

-Can not sleep in the car because he’s afraid the second he closes his eyes, they’ll crash.

-Doesn’t know much slang/internet lingo and has absolutely no idea what his peers are talking about half the time (pretends he does and usually just ends up looking stupid 😔)

-Has a fear of rubberhose cartoons, as well as those weird old stop motion Christmas movies (he just finds them unsettling)

-Told about the secret family recipe as a teenager by his father, and is reasonably freaked out about it. Is forced to keep his mouth shut about it and suffers through major withdrawals before his parents are eventually exposed and arrested for the distribution of meth/counts of child abuse. Spends most of his high school years in therapy and rehab, though it’s all made easier with Craig by his side

-He and Craig try breaking up their freshman year of high school, both of them feeling like they need to try new things for a bit. It lasts about a week before they get back together.

-TERRIFIED of scissors and refuses to let anyone come near him with them. Grows his hair out long as a teenager before finally caving in and shaving it off as a young adult. He now keeps it managed, but Craig is the only person he trusts to do so.

-Did once try to cut his own hair in middle school though, and he spent weeks looking like a train-wreck before finally letting his mom fix it.

-His relationship with his mom is considerably better than his relationship with his father, and though he never quite forgives her for what she’s done, the two of them are able to reach some sort of closure with each other in Tweek’s older age

[cocainever]

HIII

I was wondering if you could cover all the steps you took to get to your lowest weight? What was your calorie deficit, macros, exercise regimen? and where did you start from? I went through forced recovery and am starting at 20lbs higher than i started at before recovery.

hi anon!!! Thank you for sending an ask ❤️❤️❤️ (please excuse any misspellingings I’m answering this outside in the cold..)

So when I was at my lowest weight I was eating around one meal a day. Like literally I would make the same recipe over and over. I had the la Madeline’s grilled cheese but with spinach and ham. So I did 1/2 of Swiss, provolone, sharp cheddar and Colby jack and two slices of sourdough. And then I had half a cup of spinach and like one slice of ham that was like 10 calories because around that point I was starting to become scared of meat. And I would just microwave it so it was warm but not toasted with butter bc calories I wanted to save on calories! And then I would have a sugar free chobani yogurt mixed with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and I would eat it with half an apple or 4,8,12,14 slices of red/pink lady apple. So my macros are listed at :

Carbs: 82.8 g

Fat: 29.3 g

Protein: 42.6 g

I was out for around 9 hours a day working out basically because of marching band. I would wake up at 7am and then go to a 1 1/2 hour long sectional with saxophones outside and march drill and play music. Also I’m from Texas so it was around 97° on average and being really hot burns more calories. And then I would come home and sleep and maybe have a pedialyte popsicle for electrolytes because around the time I was actually scared of water. Like. It was a fear for me?? But whatever so I would do that and then take a 30 minute sauna break and then around 12pm I would head out and go to my actual marching band thing. So during summer band I did

1 hour outside

1 hour inside

1 hour full band outside

mini lessons 2 hours inside with section

2 hour rehearsal outside (in the dark)

also following that I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night to workout. Like sit ups, pacing, 20k step “challenges”..

I was at 87 and I lost to 81 in literally 2 weeks.

But that wasn’t sustainable..I started having tachycardia. Sometimes the director would make us put our instruments down and run 1/4 mile if we didn’t do good on a rep and my heart rate would shoot up to 210-200 range. I had a seizure at an early morning sectional and then my world crumbled and yk. Hospitalized. I think I’ll make a post about my hospitalization soon.

Anyways I just wanted to make this post to help inform you about my past! Please stay healthy and stay safe. ❤️❤️❤️

[msmodesto1]

My headcanons about mercs' cooking skills and food preferences because I want + I can

TW cringe

MeDiC

Medic cooks just fine. Not good, not bad, fine. BUT! He knows how to make awesome pastries, and once you taste his cupcakes, cookies, and you are already addicted to flour drugs of his production.

DeMoMaN

Demo doesn't have time to cook his own food, and sometimes he just doesn't have the strength to do it. He eats fast food or whatever his grandma makes for him. He also likes fish. I think he really likes sea fish.

EnGiNeEr

Meat, meat, meat, and meat, as well as meat and of course MEAT. He eats and cooks a lot of meat, and he's a master at it. Everything that can be fried or grilled, he cooks very, very tasty. But it's not always healthy food, and maybe you'll have heartburn after eating it, but it was delicious and you don't regret anything.

SoLdIeR

Soldier cooks hellish dishes. The recipe is averaged, as there can be a lot of options. Soldier takes the soup, but does not heat it. The microwave is for wimps. Soldier pours the soup into the pan and starts frying it. He adds a LOT of garlic, onion, black and red pepper, flour for viscosity, and a lot of sriracha. He frying it until it starts to smoke black. Soldier never cools it down, he immediately pours mayonnaise into the pan and starts eating it. He eats from the pan, loudly scraping on the pan with a spoon. He eats, sweat stands out on his forehead. Soldier eats and mumbles "holy shit" under his breath. He often offers it to his friends, but they kindly refuse.

ScOuT

This son of a bitch has a secret spell called "fast metabolism." He can eat everything in his fridge, in your fridge, the whole KFC menu, a herd of cows, a third of the state of Virginia, and half of the US strategic reserve in case of an atomic war, and he will still remain thin as a stick, after he can still say something like "oh, dude I think I've lost some weight." He mostly eats what his mom cooks for him. But he often eats fast food.

HeAvY

Of course he knows how to cook, and he cooks very tasty. But everything he can cook is very fatty and high in calories and, not surprisingly, he eats a lot. Do you know how much he eats? If you are lucky (or unlucky) to get into his house for lunch, then you will barely finish the first course, and you will already have thoughts that you will crawl out from behind the table because you will not have the strength to get to your feet. And this is only the first course! There's also a second course, a third course, a couple of salads, dessert, and then Heavy will make you drink tea with him. Do you know how they drink tea in Russia? It's like a separate meal, only all the food is sweet. Do you think this food will last for a week? Huh, it's a regular lunch at Heavy's house.

SnIpEr

He has no taste in food. A steak with black caviar from a five-star restaurant and the fried sole of his shoe are the same thing for him. Seriously, he doesn't see the difference between a masterpiece dish and what Soldier can cook. Because of this, his food tastes either ok (if you're lucky) or disgusting. Well, yes, he put too much salt in his food. Well, yes, he confused salt with sugar. Well, yes, perhaps the entire periodic table happened to be in his breakfast. He didn't even feel it.

SpY

He loves to eat delicious food and has great taste in food, but he will NEVER cook something. He hates cooking. If he has the choice of either cooking something for himself or starving to death, he will go in search of a pen to write a will.

PyRo

Pyro can cook... They think so. In fact, their food is disgusting in appearance and taste and always has a burnt taste. It's some kind of curse, but they burn all their food. Even if they pour water into the pan, it will still start to burn.

[thevoidstaredback]

So, I decided to finally make Danny's coffee order for Enough Caffeine To Kill An Elephant.

The average weight of a female elephant is between 7,700 and 9,000 pounds. I decided to use the higher number because it's funnier.

Anyway, I did a quick weight to caffeine search and the second result said 5 milligrams to 1 kilogram (2.2 pounds because I'm American)

Taking the 9,000 lbs weight of an elephant and translating it into kilograms gave me 4,050 kilograms. What I did from there was multiply the caffeine to the weight to get how much caffeine would be in Phantom's coffee.

20,250 milligrams of caffeine to 4,050 kilograms of elephant.

Holy shit.

Maybe we should try harder to keep that particular recipe from Tim....and the living world as a whole

[itstokkii]

All these anons just make me want to talk about Turkey more. What are your favorite Turkey headcanons? Personally I love to think that Sadik writes poetry in his spare time, and is very, very good at it.

As someone who ships Turkfra because of how fascinating the history between France and the Ottoman Empire is (Franco-Ottoman alliance) I like to think that they would both really bond over each other’s rich poetry culture. Not to mention their rich cuisines. Maybe they cook together in the evenings, or take turns cooking and surprising each other with elaborate dinners.

Youre so right

aph turkey hcs

- physically he's around 180cm, perhaps he had visible muscles during the ottoman empire period but he's mellowed out now and let a little softness take over his form. He put on a little bit of weight bc he's a sweet tooth but it fluctuates from time to time.

- definitely keeps cat treats in his pocket for the stray cats of istanbul!! and when he fishes he leaves a portion for the cats to eat!

- while he is a cat person and owns cats(one of them is named tombili 🥺), he also owns a few dogs too! he probably gets along with germany on that part(maybe korea? though korea owns the cute fluffy tiny dogs that feel the need to eat your face off when it makes eye contact with you).

- is a man of the kitchen. aside from cooking the most banger meals, he dabbles in tweaking recipes or creating new ones altogether! ive seen enough turkish dessert accounts on instagram to know he'd make a bomber cake with coconut shavings, or a pretty good custard.

- the coconut shavings are important btw they're like on every single homemade turkish chocolate cake for some reason??(source: baby tokki grew up with a lot of turkish family friends)

- sorry i have to do this but...he has mediocre drip 🥲 sometimes he dresses like your average old man or middle aged dad and then sometimes it's so obvious that he's trying to dress like the youngsters.. he def has his knockoff Adidas tracksuits and they always come in clutch

- he's not an old man however. he was born as one of the many tribes running around in the seljuk era before he eventually became the ottoman empire. physically...around his mid 20s to early 30s?

- and cuz he has turkish dad vibes...he regularly watches soccer games. like he lays down on the couch elbow propped up eating pistachios as he watches soccer in a Galatasaray shirt(actually turkish fans of hetalia pls tell me who hed be a fan of bc I don't regularly watch turkish soccer)

- regularly plays volleyball!

- life of the party at weddings tbh, especially those rural ones

- very hospitable! he'll arrange a table full of treats and black tea for you and won't take no for an answer as he brags about how hospitable he is.

- when you're at his house DO NOT EVER suggest getting takeout. he will stare at you with a >:0 face

- WILL spill the tea over tea. man's got enough connections to tell you abt who's cheating on who etc. while he has his whole spread of treats and black tea out he'll keep you up on everything. when he goes "Ok so basically" that's when you brace yourself because OH BOY is someone in a secret relationship with someone else and that person you'd always assumed was super shy actually sprinkled salt on their ex's backyard

- the ac in his istanbul apartment keeps breaking(good luck with that man 😔)

- that's why in the summer he spends a big chunk of his paycheck on icecream. bro makes sure to always have icecream stocked on him at all times(just like me fr !!). he'd even eat it in the winter he loves it that much.

- also at the same time he drinks hot tea in the 40-50 degree summer as well, another win for the turkuzbek fans !

- big into architecture, and back in the day it was custom to write a poem to commemorate a new building. he definitely wrote a few but spent forever thinking about how to write it and pissed a lot of people off because they were waiting for the poem lol

- i actually really like fraturk's dynamic! because theyve got a lot of history together, it would be terrible to ignore. i think they have definitely gotten together during the Franco-Ottoman alliance lol.

- one time the french wanted to flex on austria × spain by going "oh yeah??? well we got turkey!!" and commissioned a huge super ornate crown to gift to suleiman the great. see the funny part about this is um. the turks didn't wear crowns. so suleiman never wore it lol

turkey, holding the crown: uhmmmm... wall decoration I guess?? this is awkward

- the name "turquoise" comes from the French "turkish" to describe the gem. i guess that's a fraturk win??? since we all associate that color with turkey now

- they'd probably try to one up each other with the dinners they cook! (can france handle lahmacun??? tune in later today at 11pm to find out !!)

- coffee guy x tea guy with the whole parisian coffee culture and turkish tea culture thing. (except I mean. turkish coffee also exists so)

- I wanna think france tries to help turkey with his drip situation but. turkey always got that inner middle aged dad in him it's not going anywhere

- bulgaria likes going to turkeys place cuz the stuff there is dirt cheap ~~~~!!! rip the lira you would have loved economic stability

- speaking of bulgaria, bulgaria greece and turkey argue a lot over who invented yogurt. turkey thinks he's got a stake in it because of the etymology of yogurt(yoğurtmak), but like the bacteria to make yogurt is called lactobacillius bulgaricus, but everyone thinks of greek yogurt...yeah you can see why they're all arguing

- speaking of arguing he's ratioed saudi a couple times on twitter lol

- he also posts those ironic turk/turan copy pastas as well

- egypt kinda doesn't like him. during the ottoman empire turkey launched egypt to suppress arab revolts like a pokemon.

*putting down fingers* "the greeks don't like us, egypt doesn't like us, saudi definitely doesn't like us....bulgaria likes us cuz we're a cheap travel destination for them..." - my turkish business teacher in highschool, 2023

- gets along well with korea(uhoh BIAS incoming !!!) due to their history beginning from the korean war. the turkish brigade was the only military unit that built a school for korean orphans. there's a story of a soldier taking care of a korean orphan, but he wasn't able to adopt her. they were separated for years after that until one day they reunited. they'd also suffered the third most losses in the war. that's why we call turkey our "older brother country."

- there's even a turkish culture center in seoul(which baby tokki went to a lot lol). recently turkish kaymak has been trending since one of the top korean celebrity chefs paik joongwon visited turkey a while back to try food. people have been traveling to turkey to go to the exact stores and try those foods as well. there's a lot of kebab shops in korea! the turkish presence in korea was the starting point to accommodate muslims in korea as well.

- all of this to say korea and turkey have a mutual admiration and korea definitely calls turkey oppa or hyung. korea also tries to get him to change his drip but NOTHJNG CAN DEFEAT THE STEADFAST TURKISH MIDDLE AGED MAN RAAAH 🇹🇷🇹🇷🇹🇷

- I've said it before I'll say it again: turkey cannot hold a normal conversation with mongolia because he'll always go "OH MY FELLOW NOMAD STEPPE ALTAIC BROTHER HOW ARE YOU DOING!!!" what???

- same with the central asians tbh given their nomadic history as well. he was the first nation to recognize all of their indepences fom russia. he gets along with turkmenistan a lot because they're the closest languages to each other(both in oghuz family) and a lot of turkmens go to turkey to study at their universities! the governments quite stagnant with their policies however, so turkey's having a hard time convincing her to join the turkic council as a full time member. they give me a gojo and megumi vibe for some reason lol

- kazakhstan 🤝 turkey: both having the asian/european identity crisis

- in terms of first meetings, the kazakh khanate and ottoman empire first established diplomatic relations in 1713, and along with uzbekistan, tried to seek turkey's help in the face of an expanding russian empire.

- nowadays, turkey and kazakhstan are the ones to both try to stir up that regional/turkic unity among the central asians. they've gained some small wins along the way lol. in fact, turkey, kazakhstan, and kyrgyzstan were the founding members of the turkic council! kazakhstan admires all that turkey's doing for them but sometimes thinks he's too cocky. actually all the central asians think he's cocky to certain extents lol

- bro gets along a little better with hungary now and that could be because of the whole "huns=turkic?" debate resurfacing in hungary which is why they somehow landed a spot in the turkic council as well???

uzb kaz kyrg turk azer @ hungary: white woman jumpscare,

- he and hungary regularly bother prussia whenever they're in germany lol

- scraps w the netherlands bc tulips come from him!!! not from Licorice Man!!!!!

- fluctuating relationship with iran over the years

- was a fanboy of iran during the seljuk empire until she joined the khwarazmian empire(uzb's mom lol) and then he hated her

- also close with: azerbaijan(who may or may not be his number one fanboy), japan

Here's everything I could squeeze out of my brain lol hope you like it!!

a good chunk of these hcs are by @peonycats and @hetalia-fannn btw!! sorry for not initially crediting u guys i forgot 😭

[courtlyharlequin]

request are OPEN!! :OO may i request headcanons of ruugie, kalim, jamil, trey, and jade with a friend who cooks often (perhaps because of their past life, cooking different cuisine or baking different pastries)?

The Sweetness and Spice of Life

A/N: Awww~ this is such a cute prompt!! I hope my delivery is up to par, anon (๑•̀ㅁ•́๑)✧

Ruggie Bucchi :

Now, he's an above average chef. Not ordinary, but also not extraordinary. Let's just say that Ruggie know his way around the kitchen. He's also very creative. Growing up poor taught him how to be resourceful so he tends to use vegetable scraps as a base for broth or he candies his fruit peels

Having a friend who can cook is an absolute delight for Ruggie! Taking a page out of Leona's book, having a friend that cooks also means that he could take a share of your leftovers or be a taste tester! You both could share some culinary tips with each other

If you're the better cook, Ruggie would come to you for some lessons. He wants to eat better food! He's not really picky, but there's always room for improvement

If he's the better cook, then he'd give you a bit of a teasing session for it. Name a price and he'll teach you... he's kidding.

Ruggie is not much of a baker, but if you bake and don't cook then he proposes a deal: you let him have some your your pastries or make him donuts once a week and he'll cook something for you. Sounds fair right?

Friendships have their benefits and this is one of them in the case of your friendship with his.

Kalim Al-Asim:

Kalim... is not that great in the kitchen, but he's got the spirit. He'll one hundred percent be your sous chef or sit by the kitchen island and talk to you while you work if you don't like people messing with your rhythm. Cooking is sometimes a therapeutic process for people. He gets that.

If you do let him be the sous chef, you have to be careful around him. Kalim hasn't done much in the kitchen since everything was already done for him back at home so you have to go through the motions a few times. He'll get it eventually though. Plus, cooking is more fun if it's a little messy.

Probably... not the best taste tester. Kalim says everything tastes good. And he truly means it, but that's not true for everyone. So you might have to double check.

Sometimes, Kalim might even ask you to cook in bulk for any banquets he's hosting at the Scarabia dormitory. He'll compensate you accordingly so don't worry about that.

He wants to show off your talent and lift some weight off of Jamil's shoulders. This is killing two birds with one stone!

Jamil Viper:

He likes to cook. You like to cook. It's a way to earn a paramount of respect from him. If you'd like to talk or exchange some culinary tips and tricks- or even recipes– Jamil is down.

And that's how the two of you became friends!

Jamil is usually quiet in the kitchen, but not when he's with you. Because, to be frank, he's never had someone share the same hobby with the same amount of passion as him.

Especially since he focuses more on the savory dishes so if you do sweet stuff, then he'll be more inclined to learn new recipes from you simply because it's something he usually doesn't do!

If you also cook savory dishes, but a different cuisine, then he'll also be interested in learning from you. And he hopes that you're interested in his own cooking as well.

People who walk by the kitchen and hear you both talk about sous vied, par-boiling or some other cooking technique may look at you like you've grown two heads, but conversations with you run deep with thought and routine.

It's nice to have someone how understands him, someone who is as passionate about cooking as he is. Maybe you don't understand him completely (yet) but you understand his cooking and how he values it as a ritual. And he appreciates that about you.

Trey Clover:

The first and only baker among these second years!

Trey's family owns a bakery and he's also an exceptional baker himself. When he finds out that you bake as well, he's very delighted and starts bombarding you with questions e.g. what do you like to bake the most?

He wants to try your pastries so bring them over whenever you can! Please don't be intimidated. Trey promises he's not much of a Gordon Ramsay. He's easy to please.

If you bring a hard-to-make confection like macarons, then he'll be blown away. If you bring some cookies, he'll also be blown away. Each pastry has something difficult about it. Macarons are hard to pipe, but it's also difficult to get the right texture for cookies if you don't know what you're doing. You have to get the right amount of white and brown sugar.

So either way, he'll be impressed with whatever you bring.

Now, if you bring a savory pie, Trey will also be surprised. He was expecting something sweet when you said you baked.

He won't be exchanging too many techniques with you unless you ask for some pointers, but if you do ask, then he'll be more than willing to teach you how to do something.

Baking is more of a hobby for him and it's nothing he's too passionate about. He's friends with you for other reason- not to just eat your pastries... but eating some baked goods that isn't made by him or his family is nice once in a while.

Jade Leech:

Like Ruggie, Jade isn't too much of an excellent chef, but he can get by in the kitchen. He knows what to do and how to not burn down the house. But he also doesn't really view cooking as a ritual or something he could improve upon. Food is nourishment, not necessarily anything related to the soul.

Back home, he would usually eat things raw and cooking just meant adding more flavor to it, but it wasn't a necessity.

But of course, Jade works at the Mostro Lounge so he undertsna dhow imperative cooking is to land folks.

As your friend, he'll indulge in trying whatever you make. Since Jade isn't human, his taste buds are more equipped for... stronger flavors. If it's too salty, he wouldn't mind. If they meat is a still raw, that's fine too. He can stomach it. Food on land is milder than the food in the sea. It's nothing for him. So if you just started out with this new cooking hobby or yours, he's the perfect test subject.

He'll be even more delighted when he learns that you're learning how to prepare a mushroom dish. If you'd like, you can use some of his mushrooms for your cooking. Jade will ll offer you some if you'd like.

"No strings attached," he beams inconspicuously.

Now, if you back that's a different story. Baked goods aren't that common in the Coral Sea since the water makes it soggy. When Jade eats a cupcake or a puffed pastry you offered him for the first time, there's this glint in his eyes, like he's struck gold.

How... utterly delightful.

[girlmostlikely]

I have always been bigger than most of the women around me, not even necessarily weight-wise more so in height and body build alone. 5’9, broad shoulders, wide hips and ribcage was a recipe for me to feel like a freakshow surrounded by 5 foot petite women my entire life. Trying to remind myself that even in my adulthood I am not an outlier, that my build is quite average. But to only have that particular makeup of bodies around me has given me a major complex majorly contributing to my eating disorder and body image issues. Much to think about.

[despoenaandpyromania]

Head canon for the head canon that Eddie doesn’t like veggies (will literally refuse to eat them unless tricked by them being hidden and he’s unaware they’re there)

When Eddie was younger and still admired his father as all kids do, his father used to tell him that eating veggies would make Eddie big and strong and cool just like him and Eddie did it because his dad was his hero.

After reality struck, Eddie refused to eat veggies and it annoyed his father to no end, especially when it started causing Eddie to get sick because he was vitamin deficient. His father hated posting the hospital bills and that made Eddie do it more even though he hated the feeling of the needles and the constant nausea and hunger. He wanted to rebel against his dad and show him that he wasn’t like him at all.

Even when his father was sent to prison, he did it unconsciously. He knew it was making him sick and he wanted to stop but it was like an eating disorder and the trauma meant he physically couldn’t keep the vegetables down. Wayne tried to ask him nicely, he tried bribing him, he even tried telling him that it would make Eddie big and strong and healthy just like his uncle Wayne. The last one resulted in Eddie panicking, he didn’t eat anything for nearly a week and completely ignored Wayne, even as he lay in a hospital bed. After that Wayne know to never try that tactic again.

The first time Wayne tried hiding the veggies, upon suggestion of Eddie’s therapist, he burped the peas under some mashed potato. Thirteen year old Eddie was happily eating his food (potato was the only vegetable he would eat) and Wayne was excited, thinking it had worked. But then Eddie paused, he shifted his mouth like he was rolling something around on his tongue and then stick it out to look at the little green sphere. When he realised what it was screamed. Wayne tried to calm him but Eddie could fill the nausea coming on. He didn’t make it to the bathroom before the whole meal came up all over the trailer floor. Wayne stopped.

The next time he tried Eddie was fifteen and had been in and out of the hospital more times in two years then the average cancer patient experienced in a life time. The most recent time it has been serious. Eddie’s weight was so low it was nearly below the limit. If he went below there was no coming back. His skin was a sickly colour and his eyes were dull. He couldn’t absorb any necessary vitamins due to lack of iron and he didn’t like going outside because the other kids stared at his pale frame. Wayne was scared. He couldn’t lose Eddie. The boy was like a son to him.

So he went to family video and found the recorded tapes of a cooking show he remembered when he was younger where the chefs made food look like different food. He watched the whole two seasons ina day and once he was finished he redoubled his efforts. This time, he pulled out a blender and put the basic ingredients for pasta sauce in along with celery, zucchini, basil, spinach and a few other herbs. He blended it then added tomato until you couldn’t taste the rest. When he served spaghetti and meatballs that bought instead of the usual tv dinners, Eddie was suspicious but he exclaimed about how god the pasta sauce was and, much to Wayne’s joy, quickly became a favourite.

Wayne tried other recipes and over time he has gotten used to secretly combining vegetables into every meal he makes. Eddie was so much healthier now. He said it was a miracle granted by his prayers to Satan but Wayne didn’t mind, so long as he was alive.

When Steve and Eddie started dating, Wayne and Steve exchanged recipes after Steve explained that he often cooked for the kids and they didn’t like greens. They bonded over cooking and the next Christmas, Steve have warned his own copy of those old cooking tapes.

[lareynaderucorazon]

minors dni - long smut

Obsessed Male x Overweight Reader

X had dated various people before of all different appearances. He's dated a 6'3 muscular woman, or a 5'5 man with tattoos, even an average height coquette girl. However, they all had one thing in common, they were all of proportionate weight. That's why he was so surprised when (reader) made his head turn with such velocity that he audibly heard his neck pop. Now he never discriminated against people who were overweight, but he just coincidentally never found himself dating one.

It started with a small fascination, then it snowballed into a full-on obsession. He loved seeing her in all of her outfits, but his favorite one was that tight black skirt she would wear. He would have to physically pry his eyes off of her legs, before taking several pictures from different angles. Grunts, groans, and needy whines were all that would leave his room later that day as he would desperately hump his pillow to said pictures, spending hours imagining fucking (reader) in that tantalizing skirt.

God, the way his eyes would roll to the back of his head at the mere thought of tasting her on his tongue. He would watch videos on eating pussy, quickly gaining the courage to practice so he could spend the whole day in between (reader)'s thighs. Don't even mention face sitting to this man because the image would be forever grained into his mind.

He was so needy for her that he even found out her favorite lipgloss, purchasing it along with a custom fleshpocket in the shape and skin tone of her lips. He would put the lipgloss on them, and spray the perfume she wore everyday on his sleeve as he fucked the fleshlight silly, dreaming of her.

He legit almost fainted when he noticed she has a tongue piercing. A million scenarios immediately started flurrying in his mind and he had to wait until the room was empty before he could rush to the restroom.

His twitter feed was now filled to the brim with nothing but porn from overweight Latina camgirls.

This man is so in love that he even started learning how to cook food from her country of origin. He would spend weeks perfecting his recipes, making sure they were divine for when he married his beloved (reader).

He would sit close to her when she was talking to her friends, recording her voice and listening to it all night, tracing hearts over his chest and pretending it was him that she was conversing with.

X would go shopping for her, giddily parading around pictures of his "girlfriend" to employees, asking what makeup and outfits would suit her the best. Of course, he would buy stuff he wanted to see her in as well. He stored all of the gifts in his closet, ready to be gifted to her whenever he finally starts dating her.

Eventually the faraway longing looks were no longer enough. He wanted to be able to touch her, and not as a stranger who would be labeled as a creep. He felt the intense urge to burrow his nose where her neck and shoulder met, inhaling her perfume instead of catching whiffs of it when she passed by him. He wanted to kiss her lips until he could remember every curve and crevice.

So he devised a plan. He had one of your friends in one of his classes. He got close to her and found out she had a boyfriend. Perfect. He thought to himself. They continued to get closer, as friends of course, and eventually (reader) started seeing more and more of X, just as he planned. Soon he was a main member of your friend group. The close proximity to you almost fried his brain.

It was finals season which meant dead days, and (reader)'s friend group had a tradition of having a sleepover, which he was now invited to. He was even more psyched once he found out it was your turn to host. The thought of being in a room that smelled like nothing but you turned his brain to sludge and he couldn't contain himself from sniffing your pillow. He found himself in eternal bliss when (reader) sat next to him after her shower. She just smelled so fucking good. His favorite memory of the night being watching (reader) sleep so peacefully in her adorable pajamas. He even managed to kiss her cheek which made him fall asleep with a huge grin on his face.

Given all that, he couldn't believe the predicament he was in now. He was breathing heavily, his throat dry, and he was slightly shaking.

"Sorry, um, could you repeat that?"

(reader)'s face flushed red and she looked down, trying to hide her flustered face. Actions that made X's heart throb.

"Would you umm... can you take my virginity. Please." (reader) whispered the last part.

X's heart leaped to his throat. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe his ears, he couldn't believe this was happening. He thickly swallowed the lump in his throat. 

"Are-"

He had to stop to take a break, his voice quivering.

"Are you sure? About this?"

(reader) nodded her head, not saying a word.

X's heart was thundering in his chest, his eyes half lidded with pure unadulterated lust. His pants were tight from the moment (reader) even invited him to her apartment. X sat on the couch where he guided (reader) into sitting on his lap, her plush thighs encasing his hips. He hissed when she fully sat on him. (reader) immediately tried getting off of him but was stopped by X's hands gripping her ass cheeks. (reader) tried to get off again but was only held down more by him, the friction caused him to rut his hips upwards.

"Am I too heavy? We can stop."

"Oh god no. Put all your weight on me please."

(reader) was taken aback by his begging tone.

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

X's eyes practically rolled to the back of his head as he felt the clothed warmth of her pussy surrounding his groan. He had to hold himself back from dry humping her into oblivion right then and there.

His hands trailed under (reader)'s shirt and he leaned up to kiss her. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach when she reciprocated. He was pleasantly surprised when he felt (reader)'s tongue prodding at his lips and he opened with zero hesitation. He moaned when he felt her piercing touch his own tongue. His hands trailing down to her hips and back up to her waist.

(reader) broke the kiss and his lips instinctively tried reaching out for hers once again. (reader) put a hand on his chest, keeping him back. She then reached behind her and unclasped her bra, taking it off along with her shirt. X bit his lip at the sight and stared at them with utter fascination. (reader) grabbed his hands and placed them over her breasts. X immediately started groping them, flicking his fingers over her nipples, reveling at her whines. His mouth watered and he encased one of them in his mouth, sucking and lightly biting them. Tingles shot down his spine when (reader)'s hand started running through his hair, tugging at his scalp.

Once (reader) had enough she softly pushed him off her breasts, pushing him back against the couch. She kissed him, hand around the back of his neck, the other on his chest. (reader) broke the kiss and started trailing kisses along his jaw to his ear. She puffed some air into his ear and slightly bit down on his earlobe, causing X to grind against her. He desperately clung to (reader)'s skirt when she started rolling her hips against his.

"Fuck." X panted.

"Fuck me." he breathlessly begged her.

(reader) started sucking and biting his neck while palming him through his pants. Her hand slithered under his waist band and he shivered when her hand encased him.

s'warm. s'soft.

X desperately thrusted up to meet her pace and (reader) guided his hand beneath her skirt.

"No underwear?"

"Too horny."

X moaned into (reader)'s lips when she kissed him and worked his hands on pleasuring his (reader). They held this position for a while but X wanted more, and so did (reader).

"I'm ready, are you?"

"Yes, oh fuck yes please."

(reader) lifted her hips, aligning herself with him. X's cock twitched as her warm wet walls touched his tip. He bit his lip and urged (reader) to go on, wanting nothing more than to be buried inside her.

X's eyes rolled to the back of his head when she fully encased him. Fuck it took everything in his being to hold himself back from cumming. (reader) whimpered at the odd feeling, giving herself some time to adjust before she started moving.

"Fuck. fuck baby."

Grunts, skin slapping, and sloppy noises filled the room. X couldn't take his eyes off the way (reader)'s tummy jiggled when she fully sat on him, the sight driving him insane. Drool escaped his mouth as he kept groping her stomach, absolutely infatuated with the feeling of her plush fat accompanied with her soft skin.

X gripped (reader)'s hips, bringing her harshly against him. He started meeting her thrusts half way, chasing the drug that was (reader).

"(reader) let me cum inside you please"

(reader) stayed silent.

"please, I want nothing more but to coat your walls white with my semen, to have it dripping down your thighs when you walk. Fuck please, let me fill your tummy."

(reader)'s skin slapped against X's harshly, their grunts and moans mixing in with each other as their lips met once again. (reader)'s thrusts started to get sloppy and X lifted her, fucking her into his cock.

"fuck im cumming baby. (reader), (reader), (reader)!" X harshly gripped at (reader)'s hips, pushing her down into him as he buried himself deep inside her.

X's eyes rolled to the back of his head, his tongue sticking out and he saw white, his body convulsing at the intense feeling.

He slumped against the couch, breathing heavily and all too aware of the warm walls still around him, as he felt his cum mixing in with his angels slick. He also noticed the way (reader)'s fingers encircled her clit, still chasing her high. X's hand gripped hers and she whined at the lost contact.

"I have a better idea...

sit on my face."

[foggynitefic]

Drop Them Bones Chapter 9: Hard and Fast

This one's a doozy...

Hard and Fast

To be sure of, without a doubt, without debate History: In seafaring times, the term ‘hard and fast’ was used to describe a vessel that was beached on land and unable to be moved. [Don’t lie. Absolutely none of us thought it meant that. None of us.]

So, funny thing. Since posting Chapter 8, I had a wonderful long weekend in Manhattan, followed by the worst stomach flu I’ve gotten in at least a decade. Then, after a few weeks recovering from that, I partially dislocated my knee and sprained my MCL. Full damage assessment still TBD in a couple months, but I have a care plan for now.

What I’ve posted as Chapter 9 was supposed to be ten pages max plus additional scenes, and then this happened. So, I have 6k words of Chapter 10 already because I split Chapter 9 in half, and I’ve had the final scene in Chapter 10 (originally intended for Chapter 6, hah!) written for the last three months…

I currently have 9 more chapters planned out, but as this adventure has shown me, that’s more like guidelines. This chapter would have been out sooner, but reference above, and in retrospect, this chapter’s title also describes me in seafaring times right now…

Notes

At least I’m recuperating and back to excessive research spiraling:

If you have the equipment, time, and inclination, you too can om a gator nom. I have only ever outsourced my gator dining experience to trustworthy restaurants, because I’m happy to compensate people accordingly for their labor and gator meat is fucking expensive to have shipped up north.

I’ve mostly encountered alligator fried or in etouffees in restaurants, and if you can’t source alligator or just think they’re too cute to eat (look at them faces!), they do taste like a fishy chicken, but less swampy than frog, and have the consistency of a pork chop. So, imo, you can substitute either white chicken meat or pork to about the same effects in all the recipes except the whole smoked gator. Alligator meat is very lean and easy to dry out, though (flashbacks to straw-like fried, breaded nonsense on that one trip to Florida…) The Daily Beast has an article from 2019 that goes into more detail on taste, etc. I’m not going to link to any of the butchering videos I watched to make this fic, but if you’re interested, deermeatfordinner on Youtube has a good one.

And yes, in true Louisiana fashion, the state government does have an alligator cookbook available in PDF for free. The final page notes that funds for it came from both Florida and Louisiana, and the most approximate publication date I can find for it is 1994. Its text, graphics, and ingredients definitely look like something from the 80s or 90s…

I was not tracking that discarded crocodile and alligator fat can be used to produce biodiesel at competitive prices…

I went down a lot of interesting 1700-1800s sailing history that involved the provisions given per day to British Navy sailors, how much salt was needed to brine 100 lbs of meat, and how the brining process actually worked (floating eggs and meats, oh my!) The average alligator yields about 40 lbs of meat, so all the proportions and weights for applegators came from multiplying that by three, then adding on more layers of fat than an alligator would have because applegators can also go out in the deep sea. Yes, I know this is a fanfic for fantasy pirates on an imaginary planet. If Oda-sensei can say they’re all stronger because gravity, I can make chonky applegators.

Curing meat Wikipedia article; Quora entry (of all things) on sailor provisions; Colonies, Ships and Pirates blog; and an NIH paper with some science of curing meats; plus a definition of pellicle; and some historical pre-refrigeration context.  Salting meat Wikipedia article and smoking meat Wikipedia article. And of course, once the fancy bougie restaurants start using salt water, it’s cool again.

If you don’t have a smoker at home, here’s a stove-top smoked salmon recipe that could work with any type of fish (though, I don’t think a sweet cure would really go with white fish).

How to dehydrate food without a dehydrator ideas

Making a ground oven: I actually learned about this technique back in anthropology of food, as it’s one of the oldest cooking methods that we know of, and I’ve always wanted to try it. Darn you, local fire ordinances.

Random fandom trivia: If you’re a fan of 911 Lone Star, you may remember the first (I think) season episode of a family ground cooking in their backyard and their racist neighbor being a dick about it then getting a righteous comeuppance from the team. Is it over the top justice? Yes. Is the drama hilarious? Also, yes.

They use a technique in this chapter that I based off a New England clambake set up. Mainly, a pit on the beach with seaweed, hot rocks, and a wet sail over top, covered with sand. General bake concepts and times came from here (if you can read it through that horrible font…)

Sustainably harvesting seaweed.  Modern Farmer has a pretty informative newsletter I’ve been subscribed to for a couple years – It’s an interesting read if you’re into agriculture news (food-related technology, regulations, innovations, etc.) and like to know more about your food supply chain.

I didn’t know how to make sausage before. Behold, basic sausage tutorial!

Recipes bludgeoned in the making of this chapter:

I have never cooked gator meat or a whole pig, but here are recipes that sound like horrifying fun:

Whole Smoked Gator

But also, whole pig ground cooked

Kalua Pork  

Alligator Jerky

Songs: 

[ikjun]

'when you people tell me every svt member is the same level of talented like let's not kid ourselves' now i want to know your opinions 👀

prefacing this with i love them all to death and i think everyone pulls their weight in that group (because otherwise people will try and make it a whole thing) but it is very clear who are the most talented singers in the group. seungkwan and dk outshine everyone besides woozi, who should also be a main vocal but isn’t bc of his other roles in the group. joshua and jeonghan sing as well as any average 3rd gen idol and are better than 4th gen vocalists but they are the weakest in terms of vocal talent and also in terms of performing.

which leads us to the next section that is dancing and performing. there is a reason hoshi is seventeen’s first main dancer and their performance / dance captain, he is the best of them by a margin with only dino catching up and being on a similar level. jun and minghao are extremely good dancers as well, but you can tell they are more versed in their specific styles rather than dancing across all genres and styles. out of the performance unit hoshi is the best singer, but he still isn’t close to the level seungkwan, dk, and woozi are on. sings better than jeonghan tho lmao? i know he was supposed to be a lead vocal at some point.

hip-hop unit have some tremendously good song writers, specifically vernon and wonwoo, but svt aren’t a group where rapping matters much. i think woozi is extremely good at utilising every member in a song, like giving mingyu and wonwoo good parts despite them being the two weaker “rappers” where they shine in the verses they have (see shadow or super). vernon is the best rapper by far and a great dancer, he has innate musicality that shines through there, but he’s no singer. same with scoups, who is the other good rapper — using that term loosely for svt’s hip-hop unit — and who also does really well in parts he shares or mirrors with dino.

out of svt the ones who can make it as soloists are hoshi, dino, seungkwan and dk, while woozi could as well but i think he would prefer producing. these are the members who can sustain on various levels of performing. vernon maybe too, but he’s not much of a singer and i don’t know if k-hip-hop is something he wants to tap into, but he could be like changkyun. on the other hand there is a reason the visuals of the group are who they are — good as stan attractors and for variety stuff (especially mingyu when he’s with seungkwan, that is legit classic k-variety recipe) but they are musically the weakest links in the group compared to everyone else. which with seventeen is not a bad thing, they have perfected the formula to make everyone in the group work. there is not one redundant member or part in svt or svt songs and not every group can say that!

[multiversxwhore]

Pairings: Sam & Bucky x black!reader

Warnings: Unprotected sex, oral (m) receiving, some vulgar language, polyamorous relationships(m/f/m)

Word count: 2k

Double Stuffed

Every year, you cook the holiday dinners. Both Sam, and Bucky knew this. They also knew that you had a specific order in which you liked to cook things, and that you didn’t like anyone to be in the way while you’re cooking.

“Babe, Christmas isn’t until Sunday…it’s Saturday.” Bucky came and leaned his hip against the sink where you had the turkey resting, and waiting to be cleaned. You turned away from the cutting board, while the carrots finished cutting themselves, you turned to Bucky with an annoyed look on your face.

“Exactly, that’s why I'm prepping, come on Buck, you know this. I start dinner a day or two in advance because—

“I don’t wanna be cooking on the holiday, right I know.” Bucky cut you off finishing the sentence for you. Just as the water to the kitchen sink cut on, and the limes you cut in half to clean the turkey started to scrub over the top of the breast, Sam came waltzing in. Arms full of bags, and wrapped boxes. He took a moment to place all the gifts he brought for you under the tree next to the load of presents Bucky bought.

Finally he turned to you in the kitchen, hopeful grin on his face.

“Before you say no—” Sam started, Bucky chuckled already knowing you were going to shoot down any idea he was going to try to pitch to you.

“No.” You cut Sam off folding your arms, four large yams came out of the fridge, and placed themselves onto a separate cutting board. Sam, and Bucky have gotten used to you abusing your powers in the kitchen, at this point it’s just an average night to them.

“Come onnnn, I’ve got this bomb Collard Greens recipe, let me do this one.” Sam threw his jacket off on the couch, and went into the fridge.

“Now you know ain’t no way in hell I’m changing my greens just so you can experiment.” She put her hands on her curvy hips shifting her weight from right to left, Bucky busied himself with the dishes on the other side of the sink. When it came to food discussions, he usually stayed out of it, and let you choose everything. Bucky never tells you no, in fact he loves to spoil you.

“Come on Bucky help a brotha out?” Sam looked at Bucky, a sly smirk on his brown lips, he knew what Bucky's answer was. James alway played it safe in these little spats.

“Hey man, this has nothing to do with me. You know my stance, whatever the baby wants.” Bucky then swiftly kissed you on the check which automatically brings a smile to your face.

“That’s two votes against you.” Bucky teases, and you stick out your tongue, he kisses your temple one last time.

“See this is why she’s spoiled, it’s because of you.” Sam grumbled, he closed the distance from the entryway of the kitchen, planted a soft kiss on your lips, and slapped hands with Bucky who’s still holding you from behind.

“When’s that game on?” Bucky asked, since the two men became closer, some of their habits rubbed off on each other. Back in the day, Bucky wasn’t into sports much, especially after the whole Hydra thing. Somehow, as Sam does, he talked him into football, and now that’s what the majority of their conversations are like. You don’t keep up with any of it, the only time you knew it was a game on, is if one of them mentioned it.

“It’s tonight, but there’s also the holiday game, which I don’t know why they’d line it up like that.” While Sam, and Bucky got into a “guys' ' rant about sports , you turned your attention back to the food.

Next thing you know, the boys had found their way infront of the tv watching some basketball game. The corners of your mouth pulled upward into a tiny smile, you breath out air from you mouth as you sigh out loud, and a feeling of content washed over you.

Finally later that night after all prepping is done, the food is put away neatly, and thanks to Bucky, the dishes are all cleaned up.

“I’m spent.” You yawn finally coming out of the bathroom, bonnet on with your beautiful coils tucked underneath, and your fresh pair of pjs caressing your skin. You liked to take your time doing the nightly skin care routine: from shower oils, to facial moisturizer, and thick luscious lotions. You didn’t mind going the extra mile to keep your body feeling as plush, and soft as a teddy bear.

“And tomorrow you start your hour long process for cooking, for three people.” Sam teased, he got up from his side of the bed to let you in, you roll your eyes, but don’t bother to make a fuss as you take your spot in the middle.

“You eat like half the turkey by yourself, don’t act like that.” Bucky chided, which is true, your boys can, and will eat a house down.

“So? You ate the other half, tried to act like we didn’t know you were getting up at 3 am sitting in the kitchen sucking it all down.” Sam shot back, Bucky was about to say something when you decided to cut in.

“Alright, you’re both pretty, can we go to bed now?” You turn to Sam, patting the empty spot next to you, there’s a smart ass remark forming on Sam’s lips. You lifted your eyebrow challenging him, he held his hands up in defense, and climbed into bed next to you. Bucky is already assuming position with his arms out waiting for you.

Sam liked being your big spoon so you turned your back to him, pushing your booty up against his crotch, and one of his arms came across your midsection. Naturally his hand grabs onto, what Sam likes to call your “sweet rolls'', grabbing a handful of you gently.

Bucky likes for you to lay your head on his chest, the scent of your hair products helps him sleep. He grabs your leg, places it across his hips, and grabs onto your plump thighs. The weight of you comforts him, and keeps his anxiety from acting up during the night.

A few hours after you wake up from your sleep, the spot where Bucky should be is empty, but then the sound of a toilet flushing confirms where he had gone off too.

“Did I wake you Princess?” He asked softly, your eyes absentmindedly dropped to his crotch, Bucky always wakes up like this. His dick strained against his boxers, your hands reach out to grab him over the soft fabric.

“Now don’t start something you can’t finish Little Girl.” Bucky teased, he chewed on his bottom lip as he watched move into a kneeling position on the bed.

“I always finish babe.” You purred, your voice sounding deep, and lustrous from sleeping.

“Everytime you say this, you’re always the one who ends up crying. This ain’t want you want sweetheart.” Sam rolled over on his back, still half asleep, but awake just enough to talk his shit. You turn to him, and pull the covers back, as you suspect, Sam’s dick is already out.

“I stay ready, you know this.” He cracked a playful grin at you, his hand coming over the tip of his penis. You turn back to Bucky, who was already standing by Sam’s side of the bed with his own cock out. Replacing Sam’s hand with your own, you start to stroke him with a tight grip just like how he taught you. Then you covered the tip of him with your pouty lips, making sure to lick the pre-cum off him with your tongue.

“Fuck.” Sam grunted, with your other hand you reached out for Buck’s thick uncircumcised cock. He wasn’t as long as Sam, but what he lacked in length, he made up for in girth.

With both your hands busy, you find it a bit hard to balance, but you manage. You were so focused on Sam, you hadn’t realized when Bucky came around to the back of you until you felt two of his vibranium fingers push into you.

The warmth of your plump wet cunt brought forth a moan from Bucky’s lips, just the feeling of the inside of you excited him. With his free hand he slapped your ass a little roughly, you didn’t mind the pain as the stinging was sent straight to your clut.

“Such a good girl, taking my dick all the way back in your mouth.” Sam groaned, his arms folded behind his head as he lay back on the pillow watching you work on him with your lips. The bed behind you dipped as Bucky re-positioned himself right behind you, out of excitement you pushed your ass up higher, and spread your thighs wider for Bucky to fit between you. He was away on a mission for about a month, it's been a while since he’s been inside you. The pain of his size was sharp, but it didn’t last long. After the forth stroke Bucky had stretched you out quite pleasantly.

Your back arched deeper, Bucky gripped onto your ass cheek with one hand, and with the other he pushed your mouth down further onto Sam. You gagged, choked, and fought for air. As insane as this sounds, you couldn’t have asked for a better way to die, one dick stuffed your mouth and the other stuffed your pussy. All you could do is lie there, moaning, and gripping the sheets as spit slid down your chin, and onto Sam. Bucky thrusted with all his strength, if he went any harder, you’re sure to split in half. He’s usually a little gentle with you, but he must have had a bad dream.

“See this is why you get all those Christmas gifts, might have to double the presents next year.” Sam grunted, he gave you a moment to breathe so he could kick the cover off him the rest of the way.

“I got all the gifts I need stuffed inside of me.” You giggled, your breathing a bit ragged as you’re still trying to catch your breath. Sam barked out in laughter, “Well that’s sweet baby girl, let’s see how much more of Daddy’s dick you can take.”

He pushed his long chocolate brown shaft all the way into your mouth till the tip smashed against the back of your throat. You were sure your eyes were red, fresh tears rolled down your cheeks, and at the same time Bucky hiked a foot up on the bed behind you.

After a while Sam let you have control back, your hand wrapped around the tightness of his balls, and the other hand you used to support the front half of your weight.

Just using your mouth you suck on Sam’s tip making sure to swipe your tongue over it every so seconds, while keeping your lips moving at a steady pace, your other hand stays busy messaging him. To say you were over stimulated is putting it lightly, Bucky was rocking into you hard enough to make your thighs, and ass cheeks jiggle. Your pussy throbbed in a way that was begging for a break, and the way he had slowed his movements to half the speed, it seemed like he’d be busting soon.

“Fuck your pussy is so good Princess.” Bucky had leaned down over you, while still inside you, he trailer sloppy kisses onto your shoulder.

“The best fucking Christmas present.” Sam added, his voice just as rough.

“Shit, I’m gonna come.”

“Daddy’s gonna come in that pretty mouth.” Both Sam, and Bucky spoke at the same time, if you’ve never had two men come in you at the same time…what are you doing with your life?

The unraveling sensation at the pit of your stomach turned into a warming feeling as it spread all over your body. Your own orgasam burst through you at the same time Bucky, and Sam came inside you. Their hot, stickiness filled both your vagina, and mouth. Without being told, you swallowed, the salty flavor no longer bothering you.

The three of you stayed like that for a moment longer till your alarm went off, “Of course you set an alarm.” Bucky pulled out of you, and helped you to stand.

“I’m punctual like that.” You grin stepping over Sam, he slaps your butt on your way by.

“We’ll get cleaned up, I’ll prepare one last thing, and then we can sit down to eat.” Your lips turning up into a bright smile, Bucky nodded his head plopping down on his side of the bed.

“Sounds good to me.”

After a few hours everyone is sitting at the table surrounded by all types of food. Most of it was for Sam, and Bucky, you loved feeding your men. As you expected that went back for seconds, thirds, and Bucky and fourths. When it was time to open gifts, Sam, and Bucky sat on the couch as they watched you on the floor by the large Christmas tree. One by one you opened each of their gifts, standing up, you came to stand between the both of them.

“This is probably the best holiday in quite a while, we’re all home together, and that’s all that matters to me.” Kissing them both on the forehead, and pulling them in for a tight hug, you let them pull you onto the sofa. Sam made you a mug of hot chocolate with large marshmallow, Bucky picked a movie, and the three of you spent the rest of the day on you couch cuddle together.

a/n: HAPPY HOLIDAYS WHORES!!!!! Stay safe, and stay warm this season please. All stories linked in my pinned post.