#for 2 hours every day no less
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“The more that Mick plays [the harmonica], the more differently he sings. Suddenly he starts to sing the way he's playing the harp, phrasing differently, instead of thinking of it as two separate entities, you know... And he played all year. He would do 2 hours a day with Charlie just playing harp, before we'd even come into rehearsal or whatever. And I can hear it paying off a lot in his singing too.”
Keith Richards, 1994
#because apparently you can’t practice the harp unless you have the drummer around?#for 2 hours every day no less#I love the Voodoo Lounge era stones#they’re utterly bizarre#the rolling stones#charlie watts#keith richards#old married band#mick jagger#quote#the married trio
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it's a little patronizing sometimes the way people treat trans guys binding. i don't think we need to act like trans men are babies and insist they don't know how to be safe and that they'll drop dead if they pass the eight hour mark. honestly with all of this fearmongering even within trans circles, it feels more like they're trying to keep us from binding in any way possible
#the fearmongering isn't any cuter when it's from us instead of from terfs‚ y'all#telling trans guys that binding too much will ruin their chances at top surgery is 1) a blatant lie and 2) kinda not great when binding is#necessary for many of us to even survive that long#I've been binding every day for anywhere from 6 to maybe 11–12 hours the last couple months#and i feel infinitely better than i did before i started doing that#i mean I'm being a little less careful cuz I've only gotta last another 3 months#but still. hasn't killed me and tbh it's actually less painful/uncomfortable than it was before i did it this regularly#anywayyyy#trans#transsexual#transgender#ftm#transmasc#trans man#binder#chest binding#o.
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i think part of the reason people are so hateful about fat people is because theyre not fat, even though they put little to no effort into their diet and daily activity levels. even if they dont live healthy lifestyles and theyre not trying to, and theyre still a "normal" weight. and because theyre ignorant and resistant to learning about how peoples bodily functions vary wildly, anyone who is fat must have brought it upon themselves by being extra lazy or extra glutinous and if they were normal they wouldnt be fat and its soooo easy to not be fat because look at them theyre not fat. which is so fucking stupid because so many people complain about how skinny people exist without "earning" how skinny they are, theyre literally just like that even if they eat tons of food because they're trying desperately not to be skinny. but the opposite cant be true for fat people apparently. fatness is always a direct consequence of abnormal habits apparently.
#e.txt#tw fatphobia mention#i know people assume skinny people eat nothing all the time too but every skinny ass mf i meet is like omg i can eat so much and not gain#anything teehee#and i see so many skinny ppl will flood comments of fat positive ANYTHING talking about how they hate being skinny so much and eat so much#to try to gain weight but its not working#like skinny ppl wont shut up about how hard it can be to gain weight but god forbid a fat person suggest its hard to loose weight bc then#theyre just being lazy.#ppl will tell me i should eat less to lose weight meanwhile im living off an orange and a cup of nuts for brunch#and 1/2 salmon filet a cup of rice and veggies for dinner#and i walk 8 hours a day 3 times a week.#if i eat less i will get nauseous i will get dizzy i will get a migraine and i will be a bitch#yes obviously this is a personal grievance but like am i wrong?#rant#probably less than a cup of rice even i make a cup and then split it in half with my partner and sometimes dont even finish it
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"Uh- I'm Arnold. Bennett. It's profoundly difficult to get your lifes works and studies accepted if your name isn't... yes, oh! Are you a fan of moths, sir?"
NEW RDR2 OC!! a reclusive, clumsy entomologist and bug collector; cooped up in his study of uniformed clutter
#i drew him on such a tiny file 😭😭DIDNT THINK ABT IT im so used to drawing less detailed big headed trolls BWHAHA#I'm still figuring out where he's from and his lore!#he's definitely from south asia... I'm leaning towards him originally being from Sri Lanka#which I BELIEVE was called Ceylon at the time under british rule#im looking forward to spending some time on researching this further before coming to any conclusions. for now his backstory isss vague#and practically nonexistant#he now lives in Saint Denis! if he was in game his study would be accessible#likely through a greenhouse similar to Algernon's encounters yknow!!#some stained glass windowss lots of lamps and dark academia inspo... also agitha twilight princess inspired#he's very socially awkward and clumsy#used to being a recluse and submitting his findings and works semi-anonymously through his name but without a face#so when he encounters arthur or john OR the player if in online he's VERY surprised and even clumsier#but extremely enthusiastic to share his passions#LISTEN I'm playing rdr2 for hours almost every day but I can't tell if insects are studyable#IF it was a feature THIS MAN!!! would be the one to send you on missions related to it ESPECIALLY online#ANYWAY!!!! these r things that have instantly come to mind for him!! I hope I can develop him a little more with time and research#red dead redemption 2#red dead redemption#rdr2#rdr#OC#original character#protagonist ocs#I NEVER POST MY OCS ON HERE i need 2 start posting them again#OH AND OBVIOUSLY he changed his name at least professionally... idk if it was legally or he just went around signing off as a different nam#unless someone asks for his original name he probably won't give it#i need 2 adjust his sideburns because theyr meant to be all white with some line definition but i forgot abt it 💀
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lol. i think ive reached my limit.
#i just cannot take this torture anymore#ive been at the mercy of this horrible disease for over half my life now#imagine living knowing that roughly every 3.5 weeks youre going to experience the most excruciating pain of your life#along with crushing. usually suicidal depression. and such extreme fatigue and exhaustion that you easily sleep for 14+ hours a DAY#AND ITS ALL FOR FUCKING *NOTHING*#there is literally ZERO benefit or reason for me to be experiencing this#it is 100% extraneous#and even if you go to a dr and try to get treatment their only recommendation is 1) pain killers and/or 2) birth control#which both come with their own fucking share of unpleasant side effects#not to mention theyre not even 100% effective at stopping the problem in the first FUCKING place#and imagine even tho you have this DEBILITATING DISORDER society at large has decided it straight up DOESNT EXIST#to the point where REAL ACTUAL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS will dismiss your symptoms#not to mention people in your life who dont understand or just straight up dont believe your disorder is real#good luck keeping a job or any other major commitments#considering you'll either be out of commission for like. 1 out of ever 4 weeks#or youll have to work/whatever WHILE experiencing said excruciating pain/crushing depression/debilitating exhaustion#not to mention the GI issues and the migraines and the brain fog and the fucking. full body aches#wanna go to a concert? or plan a vacation? or just. fucking. RELAX? you better hope its not during Hell Week or youre outta luck#and youve got roughly 30-40 YEARS of this to look forward to#maybe less IF YOURE LUCKY#im fucking over it#i cant take it anymore#im making an appt to see a dr and i WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE until they have referred me to whoever i have to talk to to make this stop#my fucking fury at having to live like this has officially outweighed my fear of invasive procedures/recovery time/side effects#let along the torture that is navigating the medical care system as an AFAB#i just. i cant do this anymore.#i want to fucking LIVE#fuck
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Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.
*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*
No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.
#and no I didn't tag the solo series like I normally would because it's not about THAT. It's not about trying to get people to read it#It was just really ouchie to see the same concept I wrote 2 years ago get triple the notes in ONE MONTH.#and double the notes of my solo series masterlist in general in one month vs 2 years of my stories sitting there rotting#Then I see people saying they need more solo Eddie and I'm just here like my dudes I begged for requests. BEGGED. But bc I wasn't#/have never been a popular writer people don't want it from ME. It's like omg we want THIS but not like that. Not from you.#Can't help but let it get you down when nothing has changed in 2 years. It's not like I worked my way up and have the interaction now#that every other blog I used to commiserate with back in the day is getting currently. Fandom isn't a competition but it's not fair either#and I really struggle with that a lot of the time#Also yes I will concede I should be happy with the notes on the solo series because they are the highest of all the work on my page but#they're still nothing compared to what some people have just hours after posting a new story.#I saw someone complaining the other day that there are less new stories in the fandom than ever 1. That's simply not true. 2. Even if it wa#can you blame writers for giving up when readers are checking the same popular blogs over again or reading the same 5 tropes the same#2 pairings over and over. The same series? Over and over. Ignoring everything else and then complaining that their faves don't post enough?#That the popular writer with the incredible series (that rightfully deserves interaction) hasn't posted a new dad!eddie or rockstar!eddie#drabble in ages meanwhile there are writes out there pouring their souls into dad!eddie and no one reads it. There is so much rockstar Eddi#smut out there that it could sustain a brand new reader for an entire year before they needed a new fic#Idk man. I'm just feeling so defeated. I write for fun now. But there was a point in time where I desperately tried to build a platform by#offering requests and writing a lot of things I would not otherwise write to try and gain traction on my page and every time I see another#food fucking fic get hundreds of notes I get so sad that I wrote that stupid Melon fic because I had people in my life that told me#they would be excited to read it and for what? One of them still talks to me. The others moved on so fast. Most didn't even reblog it.#Some of them have since written their own food fucking fics that got triple the notes of my OG. Again. No shade to them. I don't own the#concept. It's just disheartening and fucking sad above all else. How hard I tried to get people to LIKE me and my stories. 😂#Just sad hours in general tonight my guys. Going to go and pour the bad feelings into Aftermath and then maybe make a bad life choice and#pour all my savings into an ipad#YES I KNOW first world problems. I know. That's why I try not to talk about it bc it seems so petty considering the state of the world#But you can't help what gets you down#EMMs Journal#EMM's Journal
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two very different experiences were had
#hollow knight#z talks#neither less enjoyable than the other <3#1 is my very first save where ive done Everything. except for like radiant bosses (and absrad on ascended lmao i just cant do it…)#and like. when i bought this game i Sucked at it. HOURS learning every boss. when i first beat thk (no voidheart) i was already at like#60 or 70 hours#and then obviously the fucking Pantheon Grind#i cannot tell you how many fucking hours ive sunk into p5. and its all on that save#and then the second is the save i started like. 3 days ago#after several failed steel soul saves lmaoo#i was intending to get the steel soul + steel soul 100% + speed 100% in one go#but then started this one to Just get the speed 100% one#and as i was approaching 10 hours i was already basically 100%ed. so i was like. why not go for 112 then. and that i did <3#finished it off with a good ol dream no more just for the finality of it#i am now Emotionally Drained#god this game#it was by no means a speedrun but it Was like. semi routed#and by that i mean i sat down beforehand and made a map on my ipad of all the things i needed and wouldnt necessarily Remember#(including stuff like relics for money)#oh yea and i also ended up grinding coloseum 2 for unbreakable strength. that probably took up an hour or two
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My relationship with my mom has come such a long way in the past few years only to come crashing down the second I try to do something nice for my dad and/or acknowledge that she is not the main character of the universe ://
#i tried to ask her if she wanted to get sushi with us for fathers day (48 hours away) and she said 'yeah unless something happens'#and i was like 'okay well the website says they wont seat us unless we're a full party' and she was like 'maybe ill make it maybe i wont'#then hung up on me#THEN texted me like 'just put me down for a no.. i cant decide this on less than a moments notice and you clearly dont want me there anyway#and 'thats the answer you wanted right? 😘'#fucking GOD FORBID i try to do something nice for my dad on FATHERS DAY after not being able to see him for several months#bc hes been flying to and from IL every couple of weeks to care for his dying father#and the saddest part is that for mothers day or her birthday or anything like that my dad is always the person bringing it up first#to my sister and me to make sure we can all plan something that will make her feel special and appreciated#and meanwhile my mom acts like a fucking toddler the second the attention is not on her for 2 seconds#'im tired and so busy and you gave me no time to decide' i literally would have given you a few hours to think about it if youd communicate#instead you passive aggressively imply i hate you because im doing something nice for someone else#ALSO you are not the only person on the goddamned planet that is busy and overwhelmed right now like are you KIDDING#i want to cry#personal
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i got my wisdom teeth out (abridged version, i was not put under, i babysat a half hour later. long story) and i am in PAIN. also taking out the bloody mess of a gauze every hour fucking sucks. i almost yakked every time i pulled it out of my mouth. the worst part? every time i burp i taste remnants of paper towel. i need to know if anyone else can relate. this is so gross. im tired
#long story short i was going to go to the consultation then babysit#and it turns out the dentist was like 'wanna just get it done now? it'll only take a half hour'#'umm no thank u i have to babysit :) what about tomorrow?' 'really? tomorrow? you're already here!'#your tooth is already infected. you don't want to risk having to go to the emergency dentist' or something#'you don't want to have to drive back out tomorrow. our clinic prefers to do same day procedures'#like sure ok !#this was all said assuming i'd be able to handle babysitting after and the family that i work with was so sweet (albeit so confused about#it all haha)#i don't understand why my wisdom teeth removal had less recovery time and i didnt need to be put under#especially because i essentially needed a bone graft as well because of my sinuses being right next to my teeth#this isn't like a scammy dental clinic though i think there's so many stories of regular dentists trying to upsell#i did get a several hundred dollar discount on the procedure because they didn't take my insurance#only place that'd take my insurance is 2 hours away lol#my mom has a health insurance card she has to put money on every paycheck and in this instance it really worked out#bc if not itd never be taken care of#the gauze part was so hard#also the mom didnt come home til 45 minutes after i was supposed to go home and i was lowkey in agony#because the numbness wore off#and the gauze was so disgusting#i was like. so fed up i lowkey wanted to cry while building blocks with the little kid lol#ibuprofen fully kicked in as im typing this actually we r okay
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Melatonin is a delicate balancing act, it took some time to find a dose that helped me fall and stay asleep without leaving me groggy after 8/10 hours. For me, that has been 10 mg gradually increased to such over a few weeks then steady since.
I also take roughly a week without it every month or two, as the bottle recommends. Listen to your body and do what you can. Good luck, and thank you for the sweet gay were/pire comic<3
Yeah, I can tell my sweet zone is somewhere between 3 and 6 mg, at least right now. Or at least I think it is. Admittedly my sleep has been absolutely horrible since I was a kid so my standards on "not tired" are pretty low, so I'm not actually sure if they're any good right now. All I know is I'm getting more than 2 hours of sleep at a time, and I'm not spending every waking moment fighting off a nap!
Thanks for the confirmation I've gotta test with it and go off and on and such, my doc didn't give me a straight answer on that (he just kept saying take it as needed... I need it every night!!!). 75% of the time being good is way better than 0% so I'll take what I can get!
And the gay comics are the least I can do 🧡 thank you for reading it!
#my boyfriend actually commented unprompted that ive been complaining less about being tired all the time..m#like dont get me wrong. im still tired#but it has been a WORLD of a difference.#like. its been every day since i was like 14 that just. all day i could fall right back asleep#and every night i wake up every. other. hour.#ive never really been able to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time#so ive never gotten uhm. good sleep before.#and ive had to stay in bed 14. 16. 20 hours to even feel like i can GET UP!!!!#super bad hahaha#but I'll take a week of that every month or so over every day#im just glad ive found a dose and combo thats workint for me cause ive tried melatonin before and it didnt help#but that was qlso before i used those nose strips. which also help me a lot?#so i think the combo is important#and i wouldn't be shocked if in 5 years i learn of another secret sleeping ingredient#anyways. maybe i can line up the bad sleep week off melatonin with the other week that sucks every month auajjddjdjejdj#see how it goes lol#oh ive also been taking other vitamins which have also been helping#so that combo leaves me with some actual waking time that im not fighting off a nap#this is why I've been posting more recently btw lol#asks#jackedupjack
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Chat how soon is too soon to return to a job after being thrown a goodbye celebration under the pretense of you moving across the country 🫣
#TO BE FAIR I DID THINK I WAS MOVING AT THE TIME#I hate hate my new job#and I only got it for the pay#but my check after working 2 4.5 hr shifts was $50#which does NOT meet the $300 a week I told them I wanted to make in my application#nor the $15 an hour I asked for and was told I would make an avg of 13-18#in theory I’ll make more after I’m done training#but even then it’s only $8 plus a percentage of sales#and so far it has been dead all the days I’ve worked#in theory I could work up to being a server#but that would still be more training less money#and I don’t even think I would like being a server#raises the question of should you keep a job you don’t like for the moeny#I can’t stay a host though I don’t know if it’s worth staying#I spend all day thinking abt my old job and how much better it was in every way#and I want to go back but they made a big deal abt me leaving#and it would feel really awkward to go back would it be too awkward#honestly I should just bite the bullet#I could get past the awkwardness and return to a job I like and am comfortable at#and know id make enough money at :|#like gen how weird would it be to go back after they wrote me a farewell card and bought me cookies —#kestrel calls#chitter chatter#text post#PLUS#new job scheduled me one shift next week ???#what the helllllllll#I’m not staying there I’m not I’m looking elsewhere
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home from work
#if I speak…#one of the girls walked out yesterday#the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already#they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time#micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts)#and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him#bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can#so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO#anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need#it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning#and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today#we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao#and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before#we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day#we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left#it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo#*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having#to wait a long time for their food#and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO#I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take#stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess#I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every#night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had#nothing to make the wraps with <3#I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap#and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used#they’re a fucking disaster like 😭#was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess#this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up#womp womp!!!!!!
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"high empathy autism" this, "low empathy autism" that. you don't even know how fast my empathy can switch on a dime
(*update to this post before i even post it: the day i wrote this, i forgot to take my anxiety meds. oops. this still applies, though)
#void keith talks#autism stuff#it's like. i care so so so much. and then i don't like an hour later. and then i'm back to caring so so so much and th#i think my empathy runs on a spin cycle#or like. one of those wheel pickers like on wheel of fortune#i get so much secondhand embarrassment from everywhere in my life but sometimes i just couldn't give less of a fuck about shit that happens#i'm getting emotional whiplash. every day#and ofc it depends on how i feel. and how i feel rn is that i don't really care about anyone's problems#unless it's 1) a friend or 2) a fictional character. or 3) an animal#empathy is hard sometimes honestly. kindness too. and sympathy. and compassion#mental health stuff#neurodivergent stuff#huh. maybe my anxiety meds do more than i thought. even though it's a pretty low dose#anxiety stuff
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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a lobotomy wouldn't even affect me (aziraphale has picked up the pace = i thought WE carved it out for OURSELVES i am going insane)
#i am truly genuinely not well#i slept less then 6 hours every single day of this week and i am pretty sure i entered a state of mania two days ago#this doesn't even make sense but it does to me a little (?)#good omens#ineffable husbands#good omens s2#good omens season 2#aziraphale#crowley#azicrow
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how do gamers do it...... i started playing the one game that really grabs me (the one game i played as a kid also) and i play it for hours but the minute i stop playing i am FLOODED with anxiety as the list of things i haven't done flashes before my eyes and my brain is tired from gaming but also if i dont get SOMETHING done today ill be up all night (again - this has happened twice in a row) stressing out about the fact that i spent an entire day not getting anything done
#luckily my laptop cannot play this game#i can play it by using a free trial on an app#that i cant get a pirated copy of to work#so itll be gone in 2 weeks#but i am enjoying it#it's fun#but god.. i used to play this game for hours every day#i guess i was a lot less productive then in general? or too depressed#i could stand to work out how to let myself chill though#the only form of relaxation i let myself have is reading#and reading feels productive for me bc i feel like i have to read as many books as i can all the time#so i dont have much to do that involves just chilling without keeping count of progress#so playing this game was an experiment in seeing if i can let myself spend a day doing nothing#but i cannot.. i panique.. im too tired to clean or work on my assignment or progress in my book.. what do#ed mumbles
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