#food theory is so gross sometimes

[theoryandahalf]

I like constantly reminding my mom that if she let me use her resume and steal her identity there would be a small chance I could've had Santi's job.

It's probably like 0.000001% but it would've existed.

IDK, I think you dodged a bullet there.

[maxlarens]

Hi ! As a pescatarian girly and as someone who has recently started to like Lando, I kept thinking about him with pescatarian!reader, because you know opposites attracts and also it made me think of the olive theory from 'How I met your mother', can be fic or smau

(also I'm the anon who requested the Charles fic and I was wondering if you gave names or emojis to your anons 🤔)

ahhh hi😇😇 thank u sm for sending another ask in. verrryy into this! ive never watched himym but i HAVE heard of the olive theory and genuinely think it can be so true. i also think like sharing food/giving certain parts of ur meal to ur partner is so sweet so i loved this a lot🥺🥺

also, tbh i have never had a consistent enough anon to name them/give them an emoji so i would loveee LOVE to do that🙏🏻 pls let me know what i should call u❤️ (and if anyone wants to be a regular/semi-regular anon and give themselves an emoji/name pls do!!!) ANYWAY alright i hope u enjoy— it’s a just a short ficlet 😌💖

LN: quid pro quo

pairing(s): lando norris x reader [read on ao3]

word count: 1.2k

“Eugh,” Lando says, feigning a gag as he looks at the plate of food set in front of you, “That’s disgusting. I don���t understand how you can put that in your mouth.”

Slowly, you raise an eyebrow at him, looking between your plate and Lando’s screwed-up expression; you point at your food, “Salmon? You think salmon is disgusting? Are you joking right now?”

He shakes his head fervently, a grimace still stuck on his face, “It’s gross.”

A laugh, loud and guffawing erupts from your mouth as you realise he’s being entirely serious. He’s fixated on your meal, frowning as if the fish has severely insulted him in some way. Quickly, you clap your hand over your mouth, concerned you’ll offend him if you keep laughing like that. This is one of a handful of dates you’ve been on together— clearly the first you’ve ordered seafood on— and you’re still trying to make a good impression on Lando.

“Wait,” you collect yourself, breathing deeply so you don’t fall into a fit of giggles again, “You’re not allergic are you?”

“No,” he shrugs, “I just hate fish. You’ve never heard that?”

You snort a little indelicately, already going back to eating your salmon, “‘You’ve never heard that?’,” you tease, “Do you think I stalk you on the internet, Norris?”

He grins that small sheepish grin you like so much as a light blush blooms on his cheeks. You’re very fond of him really. He’s cute in a scrappy kind of way; he’s funny and charming, a little bit dumb sometimes; and he’s into you, which is always a bonus. You’re not together— not quite— just seeing each other when you both have time, but it’s been going very nicely if you do say so yourself.

You like him.

He likes you.

Lando rolls his eyes, and purses his lips in an attempt not to let you see the smile that he’s trying to hide, “Don’t you? Stalk me on the internet?”

“Never,” you answer resolutely, thinking blatantly of that night after you’d first met him when you fell down a rabbit hole, spending a good hour watching thirst traps of him on Instagram before coming to your senses, “Not once.”

He hums, unconvinced, “Alright.”

Alright. You make a face, almost stick your tongue out at him but think better of it at the last second. He laughs— giggles— at you. You look away from him, down at your plate, trying to hide the smile that spreads and spreads behind your hair. God, you like him. You’re trying not to let it get away from you. You get the impression that he’s not huge on relationships, and you’re trying hard to be casual about him. It’s difficult— mostly because everything feels so easy when you’re together.

“So,” you start as you push a forkful of salmon and leafy greens around your plate, “Hate to break it to you, but I’m a pescetarian.”

“Um,” Lando asks around a mouthful of half-chewed food, “What’s that mean?”

You stifle a laugh, “Like a vegetarian, but I eat seafood.”

He swallows and makes another face, similar to the earlier one. You can see this is hard for him to process, he clearly dislikes seafood to a degree that you hadn’t quite understood until now. It’s funny. It’s another thing to add to the growing list of reasons you fancy Lando Norris. Though you would think that as a pescetarian you’d want him to like fish, but you suppose by not eating them he’s just saving all the sea animals that you’re not— quid pro quo.

“What about, like,” he waves his fork around, evidently still wondering why you’d eat seafood voluntarily, “just being a vegetarian?”

You shrug, “Vegetables are boring.”

“Right. Better than eating fish though.”

“I like fish.”

He shakes his head, “I don’t get it… It’s— they’re slimy and they smell and they’ve got fucking beady little eyes. It’s not natural.”

“Okay,” you laugh brightly at his despondent expression, “I do need to eat them, unfortunately. Otherwise, I’d probably die of malnutrition, or I dunno, scurvy.”

He groans, hanging his head so that all you can see of his face is that mop of brown curls. You think of your second date when you’d kissed him for the first time in your stairwell and how you’d threaded a hand into it— and they were soft and not heavy with product the way that you hate. The way he’d smelt like expensive cologne and tasted both smokey and sugary at the same time, just like the whiskey and cokes he’d been having at the bar. There’s a soft smile playing at your lips when he finally looks up.

“Does it bother you?” you ask, “That I eat fish.”

He shrugs, shakes his head in a non-committal way that could be either answer and does that little grin again. The one that means he’s going to say something that you’ll find either unbearably cute or embarrassingly funny.

“Yes,” he says, grin not subsiding, “How am I supposed to kiss you when you’ve got fish breath.”

Your eyebrows shoot up and a shocked laugh bubbles from your mouth, you try to ignore the stirring feeling in your gut at the words how am I supposed to kiss you in favour of responding to his lack of tact Try, being the keyword there. It somersaults in your head, how am I supposed to kiss you he said, like he was thinking of doing it again. Which, okay, of course, he’s thinking of doing it again. You understand what this is— but there was an unmistakable fondness there that you just can't shake.

Anyway, you push thoughts of kissing him aside, he’d still accused you of having fish breath, “Wow,” you say dryly, with no malice at all as much as you try to feign it, “You say that to all the girls?”

He blushes, his tan cheeks turning a very pleasant red as he properly realises what he’d said, “Shit. No— oh my god— I’m sorry. I just meant—”

You wave him off, laughing, “I know what you meant. You’re good, Lando.”

“Phew,” he lets out a breath of relief, his nervous laughter punctuating the air between you, without meaning to he says, “God, I thought I’d just fucked it.”

You furrow your brows and frown, confused, “No. You couldn’t.”

You watch him scrub a hand over his face, embarrassed, before it falls away and he gives you a sheepish little grin that says he’s happy to hear that. Toothy, eyes squinted and carving dimples into his cheeks. Your face feels warm and you smile back, biting your bottom lip on the smile so it doesn’t grow and grow to cover your whole face.

Later, after you’ve finished lunch and spent too much time talking over a too-sticky table in your favourite pub, Lando kisses you up against a tree in the park by your apartment. You put your hand in his soft curls and you smell cologne and taste what he’s been drinking as he presses his tongue into yours. The coarse hair of his moustache brushes against your lips and you kiss back with equal gusto. You pull away when it feels like you two are veering into too inappropriate territory for this public park. He chases you, but you laugh softly, pressing a perfunctory closed-mouth kiss to the corner of his mouth. He groans, laughs, and puts his forehead against yours.

You hum, “I guess my fish breath doesn’t bother you so much, huh.”

“Fuck,” he breathes, “You’re never going to let that go are you.”

You shake your head ever so slightly, “Not as long as I live, Norris.”

[demonslayerunhinged]

*cw: this theory deals with child sexual abuse and has mentions of suicidal ideation and eating disorders.

*If you or anyone you know is going through this, you can find resources here, here and here as well as a list of international hotlines.

Obanai is probably the second most hated character in the fandom, and just like Sanemi, he’s one of the most misunderstood. I think the hate he gets from the fandom is unwarranted; he’s accused of being a dick, a horrible person, a simp and a character who only exists to be Mitsuri’s love interest. All of which is unfair, sure he’s prickly and unapproachable, but he’s not as bad as the fandom makes him out to be.

So, in my quest to draft a defense for our favorite snek boy, I reread his backstory and in doing so, I realized something sad

Unhinged theory

Obanai is a sexual abuse survivor

Let me explain:

Obanai’s backstory and aspects of his character mirrors that of someone who’s been through sexual trauma. The evidence I'm going to present is a combination of my own knowledge about these matters and information I got from forums and websites for male survivors of sexual abuse. So let's examine them...um spoilers

The snake demon

I believe that the snake demon is a metaphor for a sexual predator. Her inclusion in the family could also be a metaphor for how these predators insert themselves into family units-or most of the time are family members themselves-and abuse the children for years and even generations. Obanai's relatives sacrificing their babies to her could signify the real life actions of families who are unaware or, turn a blind eye to, or sometimes actively participate in the abuse of their children.

The sacrifice in exchange for wealth speaks of how families in real life ignore the abuse of their children to maintain the wealth and status they obtain from being related to and associated with the abuser.

Even her decision to wait, ordering the cutting of his mouth so he would look like her, could be interpreted as her 'grooming' him in a sense.

Even her design has a certain sexual, predatory aspect to it that's different from the other demons.

His relatives

Obanai describes his family members as being 'disgustingly' affectionate and bringing him lots of 'greasy' food that made him sick. Food in media is often used to depict love, affection, connection and sex, and Demon Slayer is no different.

There are plenty of instances where food and the giving of food has been used to denote friendship (Tanjiro giving Zenitsu, Inosuke and Genya meals in an attempt to bond with them), connection (Giyuu wanting to give Sanemi ohagi), love (Tanjiro's love of cooking and the satisfaction he shows when his meals are enjoyed by others) and pleasure (Mitsuri's large appetite). I'll make a post about this later.

With this context, we can interpret their bringing of rich foods, their overbearing attention and affections as them objectifying and even being sexually inappropriate with him.

The sexual abuse

Non-physical.

The first instance of abuse is non-physical, but that doesn't make it any less important. Being constantly visited by the snake demon in his room at night, Obanai described his feelings of terror, being paralyzed and watched. His body would break out in a sweat, and he would be unable to fall asleep.

His descriptions of the experience and his body's reaction to it reminded me of some survivors' stories I read, where they talked about how in the initial stages of the abuse or when the abuser was first introduced into their lives, their abuser would give them unwanted attention, would stare at them in a way that felt creepy, gross and wrong.

Some had their abusers come in to their rooms, maybe under the guise of 'checking in on them'. They described feeling terrified, freezing up with the hopes that the attacker would leave. Some would take measures such as sleeping with the door locked or with a heavy object against it, sleeping with a sibling or parent, sleeping in a hiding spot that the attacker knows nothing about or not sleeping at all.

Physical.

The specific age that the snake demon plans to 'eat' Obanai is never stated, but from what we've seen so far and in the sexual context, we can assume that she's waiting until he hits puberty. Some studies state that the average age of victims of female sex offenders usually falls around 14 years, but there are cases where the female predator waited until their victim reached sexual maturity before they carried out their abuse, like in the case of Mary Kay Letourneau. Here's a video that breaks down an interview she did before her death.

Obanai was 12 when he was dragged out of his cell to be subjected to what I believe is the first physical abuse. He had his mouth slit from ear to ear, with the blood collected and fed to her. The snake demon decided to have him live a little longer, which again, fits into my theory of her wanting to wait until he reached puberty.

Bodily violation, violence and blood are common allegories for sexual assault used in media and in Obanai's backstory we see it being used when his relatives drag him from his cell, literally pin him down, cut his mouth and feed his blood to the snake demon. The act of feeding on his blood could also be a metaphor for the snake demon sexually abusing him.

His escape and the resulting fallout

Obanai managed to escape, and although he was tracked down by the snake demon, he was saved by Shinjuro Kengoku before she could kill him. His cousin's response was to blame him for all that happened, asked why he ran away, and said that he should have 'allowed' the demon to eat him.

This could represent how some victims are rejected, ostracized and criticized for speaking out against their attacker, exposing the abuse to the public and getting help. Their families would say 'you should have just let it happen', 'you destroyed the family', 'why did you run away, tell people?' and place the blame on the victim.

Obanai's reaction

There are three aspects of his characterization that are similar to the common reactions noticed in adult survivors of sexual assault, especially male survivors.

His appearance.

His behavior.

His beliefs.

His appearance

Obanai has a small frame that he hides with his baggy uniform and haori. I can tell it's baggy compared to that of the other slayers because of the width of his pants vs the width of his lower legs. Desexualization or hypo-sexualization is a common response among some survivors of sexual trauma, this usually involves wearing clothes and taking measures to make themselves look 'unattractive'.

'But this side feels more comfortable for me, like the baggy clothes I wear, which hide my body, and the long sleeves which reach past my wrists. I promised myself no man would ever touch me again, and whether it was a moment of triumph, or a moment of defeat, I still don't know.'

'I'm thin, shy. I seem easy to dominate. I've grown a beard. That's helped a little. I dress in baggy clothes, covering as much of my skin as possible. That makes me feel safe.'

This not only helps regain a sense of control and power over their body but also serves as a protective measure against sexual advances so they don't get abused again.

In Obanai, given his history of receiving unwanted, suffocating and 'disgusting' attention from his female relatives, it would make sense that he would want to dress in a way that makes him unapproachable and hides his body from the opposite sex. We can see his attempts to desexualize himself in the picture below:

His behavior

'Iguro has difficulty with girls. Due to his experiences growing up, he was unable to conquer his fear and animosity. Plus, the firls who joined the Demon Slayer Corps often put on brave faces because of their sad backgrounds, so he felt sorry for them, making him uncomfortable in a different way.' - Taisho Whispers, official English translation.

'Iguro-san isn't good with women. Due to his upbringing he has a fear and disgust towards women. (I couldn't overcome it easily. The women who joined the Demon Slayer Corps have painful stories of determination. I felt sorry for them and I didn't get along with them in a way that was different from the way I got along with my family)' - Taisho Whispers, direct-sort-of-shitty translation via Google Translate.

Male survivors who were victims of childhood abuse by female perpetrators often talk about how the abuse greatly affected their relationships with women or lack thereof. Some going so far as to say that they became afraid of women, being around them and how sometimes being touched by women would trigger panic attacks and remind them of the trauma.

Here are some quotes posted in a thread on the Male Survivor forum. Full thread here.

'Once that happened, my genophobia became more intense. I couldn't ware short trousers in summer, could never go swimming, got paranoid if I touched a woman's arm or even brushed against one, would always stand at a distance from female friends, and would literally leave the room if anything explicit was discussed.'

'I have started to have strange, deep discomforting feelings as I remember some of the assaults and I have gotten to a place where touch from a woman makes my hair stand up, makes me nauseous, and gives me chills and feelings of dread.'

Obanai has similar responses when he finds himself in proximity to women. We're only told about it in the main manga, but it's shown in the Gakuen. I know the Gakuen takes place in an alternate universe, but aside from the events, the behaviors of the characters are based on their actual personalities in the main manga, so we can safely say the reactions he displays in the Gakuen is canon to his character.

His beliefs

Adult survivors of sexual abuse often struggle with feelings of guilt, rage, and shame. In the manga, Obanai talks about being held back by the decaying hands of his family members, which could represent the long-lasting effects of sexual abuse and how some survivors carry these burdens all through adulthood or throughout their lives.

There's also the thoughts about himself that echo the heartbreaking thoughts shared by some male survivors.

Guilt:

"As the member of a filthy family, I too was corrupt. My sins were deep, so I could not live a normal life"

Rage:

"With no other outlet, I turned all my rage on demons in a grudge of intense hatred. By risking my life for others, I felt as if I could in some way become a slightly better person."

Shame:

"Unless I die and come back in a different body in which this filthy blood does not flow, I have no right to be with you."

Suicidal ideation(mild):

"By risking my life for others, I felt as if I could in some way become a slightly better person."

"I want to die defeating Muzan." (He's the only character that I know of that outright says this.)

He also kind-of expresses his feelings of being weak during the fight with Muzan:

"I've accomplished less in this battle than anyone! I wish I could deliver a more effective attack."

While this quote isn't exactly definite, a feeling of being weak, or being 'less of a man' is also a common experience shared by male sexual assault survivors.

The scar and It's symbolism

The scar is a physical manifestation of the lifelong effect that sexual abuse has on its victims and the stigma it carries. For Obanai, it's not just a painful reminder of the trauma he suffered at the hands of his family, but also a reminder to him that he's like his attacker, the snake demon. The bandages he wraps around his mouth symbolizes not just his attempts to hide his trauma, but also his inability to talk about it due to shame and fear, which is unfortunately an all too common experience of male survivors.

Another struggle survivors often experience is with intimacy, romantic relationships and sex. For Obanai, I believe that this struggle is represented by his eating disorder. The link between food and sex is a well established belief in many cultures, people with large appetites can be seen as having equally high sex drives while people with small appetites have little or no sex drive.

As he grows older, his little appetite is basically him curbing his growing sexual desire, which he sees as ugly, like the scar on his mouth. But the thing is Obanai wants love, he wants to love and be loved, to be intimate with another person, but he feels he doesn't deserve it, after all he's filthy, shameful and probably a predator just like the snake demon. So he starves himself, suffering in silence with the belief that he was disgusting, that no one would ever love him, that he was destined to and deserved to be alone.

Then he met Mitsuri.

In Conclusion, Obanai is way more complex than the KnY fandom gives him credit for. This is a man that went through immense suffering, and it's really sad to see people hate on him because he isn't 'nice'.

Well, that's just how life is. Trauma doesn't exactly make nice people. We can't all be like Giyuu or Tanjiro(bestest boy ❤), a lot of us are like Obanai, Sanemi, and even Shinobu, a lot of us are angry, and why shouldn't we be?

...

*Phew, ok so this one has been in the drafts for a while because I was scared to post such a dark subject matter and also I needed to be really sure I wasn't just talking out of my ass but after rereading his backstory and analyzing aspects of his character, I'm more confident about this.

[siblingskissing]

Ronance headcanons?

Ronance Headcanons

I have had the BIGGEST brain rot about these two, you guys don't even know, so please excuse my rambling session in this post. As always- feel free to share your headcanons, opinions, thoughts ideas, just be kind <3

-Robin is the biggest simp to ever exist. Nancy mentions liking a color? Guess who's suddenly adding it all over their wardrobe! A favourite food? She's already learned how to cook it. Allergic to something? Robin will destroy it with her bare hands and make it go extinct to protect her girl.

-Likewise, Nancy would and will kill for Robin (come on Robin tell her to kill for you she wants to)

-Their favourite dates include them sitting in one of their rooms, a movie or music playing as they discuss conspiracy theories or whatever story Nancy is working on

"There's been a ton of missing items from farms in the areas. Animals, tools, bales of hay-"

"could it be aliens?"

"Alie- Robin it's not aliens!"

"What? Interdimensional monsters are real but aliens aren't?"

-Many people assume Nancy would get annoyed by Robins carefree joke centered attitude but actually she calms down whenever Robin tries making jokes.

-She doesn't like when people don't take things seriously, but she knows Robin is taking it serious, but using humour to make sure they don't spiral with the problem

-their relationship definitely started off rocky but with some time, understanding and surprisingly really deep conversations they learn to appreciate the little things about one another.

-Robin loves Nancy's drive and her leadership skills. She makes sure that everyone takes her seriously and if the kids complain about Nancy being a hard ass she brings them back to listen.

"Nancy's not our boss!"

"No, but she's the one keeping you dipshits safe- she knows what she's doing so listen up and quit complaining"

-They kids listen to Robin more and so when she follows Nancy with no complaints, the kids unconsciously follow suit.

-When Nancy gets stressed/aggravated Robin will be there to lend her a shoulder. They're very much leader/Right Hand man coded to me.

-Nancy doesn't know much about queer culture so when she does eventually come out Robin is happy to talk to her about it and share what she knows.

"So we use Blue violets because Sappho used to describe women wearing garlands of them,"

"Sappho?"

"... Do you have a spar 3 hours so I can explain Sappho and Greek poetry to you?"

-They take all kinds of cute little Polaroids that they keep at Robins place

(examples of said Polaroids)

-Robins family is more supportive so often Nancy goes over there to spend the night

-when college comes up in discussions Robin mentions that she enjoyed investigating with Nancy, the research was fun when they didn't have death looming over them.

"Yeah, learning Russian to break the code was awesome- the torture kind of ruined it though-"

"The WHAT?"

-Nancy asks Robin 1000X if Robin is sure she wants to go to the same college/same field and Robin promises her that she isn't only going because of her.

"I'd follow you anywhere, but this is also for me- if I have to do one more customer service job I might kill someone."

-They love movie nights, curled up under a blanket watching whatever film they can find. Robin always finds the oddest ones and sometimes some really deep indie films. Nancy also enjoys the foreign films she can find and let's her choose.

-on nights Nancy chooses- she likes care free fun films. Nothing too heavy because she likes the simplicity

-Theyre a gross matching couple- but in a new fun way.

-Mat hing colors in their respective styles, using each other's clothes and making it go with their personal choices, matching patterns/designs.

-They also shared shoes sometimes

-On the 90s Nancy gets a more "Rachel from friends" style like this

-Robin eats it up like no one is watching and often has to hold back from just kissing her 24/7

(also I badly wanna do a look book of the characters so Please someone ask for that because I love fashion)

I definitely probably have more but here you are!!

[neyswxrld]

stormy weather

Echo, no pairing

summary: Echo has a low and is in a lot of pain after his physical therapy. Wrecker is there to help. Set after TCW S7 E1-4.

warnings: derpessed feelings, hopelessness, phantom pain

words: ~1400

a/n: hello everyone! here's another fic for @summer-of-bad-batch! this time i could even bring in three different prompts: "you're a bad liar.", battle scars and the bonus prompt light in the darkness. it's been a long time since i wrote something for echo, i hope you enjoy!

MASTERLIST

Physical therapy was horrible.

He hated it with all his guts.

His legs hurt, they burned, and he felt like they were going to fall off. But the worst thing was: he couldn't make it feel better.

Hell, he didn't have those legs anymore and still they made his life so much more painful.

Pump, the physical therapist, tried to help him a lot and even though his tips and advice sometimes did wonders, he still hurt.

Then there was his stomach - he had problems adjusting to the amount of food he needed. When he was on Skako Minor, he was mostly fed with fluids. Now he needed to chew his food again, taste the grossness of it, and just swallow down the weird consistency.

Also - his muscles hurt. Pump always said he needed to build them up, so he can be fast and strong again. And he knew he had to. He really wanted to. But on some days, he just felt like he couldn't.

Today was a day like that.

Pump made him do some exercises with an odd looking thing. He never did those exercises before. Not even in ARC training. And even though he tried so hard, at some point he just couldn't do it anymore.

He felt like a failure. Like he wasn't good enough. How would he ever be able to keep up with everyone? Especially with the Batch? He could learn all their crazy plans, but how could he contribute anything, when he just wasn't strong, fast and persistent enough?

Pump had tried to cheer up him up, but Echo almost fled out of the training room.

He needed to get away. At the same time, he already felt the embarrassment creep up his neck. He felt like a shiny, on his first day on a Venator-class Star Destroyer, where everything was just overwhelming even though they already learned how it would be like on the inside. In theory, at least.

He was stumbling along the walls, trying to find his way to the Batch's barracks.

He just wanted to be alone and sulk in his hammock, until he felt better about his sorry self. He was so disappointed in himself and his lack of ability.

When he reached their barracks, he slipped inside. Relieved, he realized that he was alone. The others seemed to have training, or were up to something else.

He sighed once, before making his way over to his sleeping place, not bothering to turn the lights on.

From outside, he could hear thunder. The rain rattled against the large windows, and not for the first time he could laugh about the irony of Kamino. He felt like the weather was mirroring his conflicted and sad feelings. The storm outside was just as unpredictable and unhinged as the one inside him.

He curled up into a small ball, trying to disappear in himself.

When his hands... His hand touched his metal knees, and his scomp made a small 'clink' noise, he sighed a second time.

Never did he expect to turn out... like this, when he finally passed his final test, such a long time ago. With Fives, Hevy, Cutup and Droidbait.

He knew it was practically hopeless, but he still always imagined how all of them made it out of the war alive. Together. He liked to daydream about what would happen after all of it. After all the pain, and fear, and grief. He was sure Droidbaid would start a bakery one day. Cutup and Hevy would open a gym, just to train like maniacs themselves. And Fives probably would have traveled a lot. He always wanted to try and see new things. Just about his own future, Echo wasn't sure. But he soon realized, it wouldn't matter anyway.

After Rishi, after Hevy's, Droidbait's and Cutup's death, he realized that all their dreams and hopes were indeed meaningless.

He always thought he would during the war.

He was so sure he would, when that shuttle exploded on Lola Sayu.

He never knew what life would have brought for him, but he never would have guessed to turn out as a cyborg.

He almost didn't hear how the door opened behind him. Just when Wrecker's face appeared in his sight, he realized that he had company.

"Hey, Echo. Back again already?" the brawler asked and grinned down at him.

Echo looked back with big eyes. "Yeah," he nodded.

"So soon, too? Thought it would take another half an hour at least. How was it?" Wrecker started to talk to him, patting the side of his hammock.

Echo blinked a few times.

"Yeah... I-... Pump decided we should take a break. It was... great," he murmured and looked around, just not to meet Wrecker's eyes.

Wrecker stared at him for a few seconds, not moving an inch.

"Are you feeling okay?" he then decided to ask.

"I? Y-Yeah. I'm fine," he tried to assure his new brother, and forced a light smile on his face. It didn't reach his eyes. He knew that.

Wrecker knew, too: "You’re a bad liar."

He sighed again. "I know," he whispered.

Wrecker carefully stepped over and took a seat next to Echo, making the hammock swing back and forwards a few times.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked and put a hand on Echo's metallic calf. He couldn't feel the warmth of Wrecker's fingers, couldn't really feel the pressure. It was almost as if they weren't there at all.

Echo looked at Wrecker. At his younger, bigger brother, who seemed so happy and joyful all the time. He was so strong and gentle at the same time. And when Echo looked into Wrecker's face, at the scar and his milky eye, he just knew he could talk to him. When someone could understand what he was going through, even just in a slight way, it was Wrecker.

"It's just hard... Adjusting and stuff," he almost whispered.

He saw how Wrecker's thumb was moving up and down, swallowed, and took another breath.

"Physical therapy feels like torture. I can't- I just can't really do anything like I could before. I'm weak, and exhausted so fast. And I know it takes time, but it just takes... so long," he started to play around with his scomp, "and everything hurts."

Wrecker nodded, with an understanding look in his eyes.

"I know it's hard. And it's never going to be like before again. But we can try. We can try to make it easier. To make it better. And to make everything feel okay again," Wrecker said. "Healing isn't easy. It's hard and it's exhausting. And it's not just a straight line up. It's like a road full of holes and bumps and stones. But you have to try to jump over them, Echo."

Echo looked up at him with teary eyes. Wrecker's expression was so honest and genuine, that he didn't doubt a word he said.

"I know it's hard, but you have to keep going. I know you can. And if you need help, we're always here for you," Wrecker ended.

Echo nodded. He knew, but everything just seemed so hopeless sometimes.

"What helped you the most?" the former ARC-Trooper wanted to know.

A small smile appeared on his brother's lips.

"My brothers. The Batch," he said, and his smile grew even bigger.

"Every time I felt like I was at the bottom and couldn't do it anymore, they were there. And they pulled me up again. I couldn't have done it without them," he confessed, and Echo's heart warmed a bit by that.

He smiled at Wrecker, and he realized that everything just felt a little lighter.

The storm in him seemed to calm down a little. The clouds made space for a small ray of sunlight.

He still had aches everywhere, and he still was way too exhausted. But at least he felt a little spark of hope in him, like a light in the darkness. Warm and cozy, and ready to get even brighter.

Wrecker's words felt good, and he knew he could seek out the others whenever he needed them. Even Crosshair.

He knew everything would be going to be okay again. He knew he could do it. He knew he would be up and kicking again, even if it would take some time.

Sometimes he just needed a little heads up.

MASTERLIST

TAGLIST

@isthereanechoinhere96 @trixie2023 @freesia-writes

[creature-wizard]

The importance of separating belief from practice from economy when criticizing spirituality

I notice that a lot of people who want to criticize harmful expressions of spirituality often conflate the beliefs and practices of those spiritualities together, rather than separating them and asking themselves which one is harmful exactly, and why.

Sometimes, both practice and belief are harmful. For example, going on a highly restrictive detox diet because it will supposedly rid your body of toxins put into regular food by an evil conspiracy. There's no evidence that detox diets actually work as claimed (and if they seem to, it may be that you actually have a food allergy or intolerance, and you feel better because you happen to be cutting out that food for awhile), and they can actually be very harmful. Meanwhile, this sort of conspiratorial worldview has roots in old antisemitic conspiracy theories used to justify violence against Jews in the past, and today, justify queerphobia and ableism by way of suggesting that an evil conspiracy is putting chemicals in our food and water that turn kids gay, transgender, or give them ADHD, autism, or whathveyou.

But other times, it's not quite so simple. For example, let's look at modes of faith healing that hold that you should eschew evidence-based medicine in favor of praying and getting right with God. Meanwhile, studies show that people who rely on faith healing don't exactly have a great recovery rate. Many children have died from treatable diseases because their parents were taught that sickness was a test of faith and God would damn them for seeking conventional medicine. (Can you even imagine how terrified of eternal damnation you'd have to be in order to watch your own child die in agony?)

If we look at most people who believe in prayer, we can see that most of them don't agree with this extreme position. Most people believe in prayer and evidence-based medicine. If anything, prayer gives many people a way to feel like they aren't just sitting around doing nothing while their loved ones are in the hospital, and that itself is arguably beneficial.

Now, if you personally have trauma connected to prayer, or just don't find any meaning or satisfaction in prayer, then it's fine if you don't want to do it. But that doesn't mean it's appropriate to tell everyone else that they shouldn't do it. When you do this, you're just using your own personal feelings as a moral compass, and as we know from observing the "thinking about gay sex grosses me out, therefore it's unnatural and against God's will" crowd, that's no way to go.

So how about beliefs and practices used to extort people? For example, energy healing services often come with steep price tags. But let's be real, so does evidence-based medicine in places like the US. This clearly does not mean people should just stop seeking evidence-based medicine. It does means that we drastically need to change the system, so healthcare is more accessible. Additionally, if there's one thing I've learned from researching alternative medicine, it's that practitioners are more likely to actually offer something for patients' complains, rather than telling them that it's all in their heads or that they need to lose weight. This doesn't mean that an exploitative alternative industry should be allowed to exist, of course. But it does mean that we need to understand how prejudice among doctors fuels it. Moreover, I think we can agree that someone who watches energy healing videos on free YouTube after they've done all they can from an evidence-based medicine standpoint, or offers free energy healing sessions to friends who are in the same boat, are not in the same category as scam victims and scammers.

So yeah, when you're out there criticizing harmful forms of spirituality and religion, remember to separate practice from belief from economy and examine each one separately and in terms of how they connect to each other and to larger issues, rather than putting it all on blast together.

[dianaladrislovebot]

gone headcanons that have popped into my unhinged little brain, part 6

hey there, so since i’ve been rereading the series/writing this fic i’ve had nothing but hc/theory brainrot so you’ll only be getting hc posts for a while. we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled program of incorrect quotes at some point i promise

this first (technically first two) hc isn’t something i induct into my thinking all the time it’s just a thought that i enjoy no matter how sad it is

caine’s parents had always struggled with having children, so they ended up adopting caine instead. they moved to london (where caine’s mother is from) for a few years because they feared connie, who was still young, would come back for him. he slips into a british accent sometimes when he’s angry (i just think this sounds funny can you imagine british caine)

caine’s mother fell pregnant a few years later and they managed to keep the baby. the second the baby, named chloe, was born, caine was sent to coates immediately so they could focus on doting on their “real” child. now that they had a biological child, he was rendered useless in their eyes.

astrid has scary good skin care. girl has never had a pimple in her LIFE.

since they lived together (+ sam) post fayz, diana helped astrid write her book. astrid only knew so much from her point of view, and diana helped her fill in the blanks from the other side of the court.

caine’s a ridiculously picky eater. he will push his food around and make sure none of it touches before he’ll eat it. very particular about what he will and won’t eat. this is because he’s ridiculously autistic.

also hates crust. diana and drake used to take turns eating his crust at coates

alternatively, sam is a human vacuum. he will eat quite literally anything you put in front of him because and i quote, “food is food”.

drake is afraid of butterflies. he thinks they’re gross. i have no basis for this ink and i just think it’s funny

caine’s favourite colour is yellow. him owning that yellow vest was not a coincidence.

alternatively, diana’s is a royal purple and drakes is (suprising no one) red.

caine is super squeamish, despite his constant need for war. hates blood, hates all kinds of bugs. he took one look at that’s bugs face during the bug battle in plague and was ready to book it.

drake really wanted to die in a super fucked up and for his case to go unsolved so he could end up on buzzfeed unsolved. he was disappointed when he realised his immortality probably prevented that.

drake’s a complete feral in snow. he absolutely adores snow. it’s the only time anyone sees him act like an actual well adjusted person (sort of). he turns into an excited child when it snows

[gatekeeper-watchman]

Good Morning World The News Media is Thriving These Days, But…

The news media is thriving these days, alive and well with its many commercials, political propaganda, gossip, sports, and, relatively speaking, minor news events—and, oh yes, commercials. From our very beginning, “Freedom of the Press” has been a major contribution to the safety, welfare, and protection of the people from the errors and sins of government, but real in-depth reporting is slowly disappearing from the scene. Daily news events are reported over and over, sometimes for days, while other important subjects are overlooked. We are majoring in minors and minoring in majors.

For example, where, today, are the pros and cons of single payer healthcare being discussed? Certainly, this subject is being discussed superfluously, but where are the in-depth pro and con discussions? Most of what I hear about the subject is, to the effect, “No need to discuss this as it will never be approved anyway”. Oh well, healthcare is only 17.5 percent of our spending nationally, annually contributing to our national deficit and debt. No problem.

Ref: http://www.justfacts.com/healthcare.asp

The financial crisis of 2008 was triggered by derivatives, one of those new securities invented to allegedly provide insurance coverage to home mortgage holders, aka fish food for speculators in the financial markets. I don’t really know how many dollars’ worth of these securities were in circulation in 2008. I have heard numbers like $400 Trillion. I have also heard numbers amounting to $900 Trillion. What are the numbers now, and when is our illustrious media going to reveal them to the people. The last time I heard anything in the mass media about the derivative risk was an article by Peter Cohan, AOL.COM, Big Risk: $1.2 Quadrillion Derivatives Market Dwarfs World GDP. Folks! Do you know how much money $1.2 Quadrillion is? Let me tell you. It is $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 or 1,000 times $1 Trillion. My gosh, folks, the world’s annual gross domestic product is only $50 to $60 trillion, and this article was written June 9, 2010—over six years ago. Oh well, that wasn’t important either. The public wouldn’t understand anyway.

Let’s really get basic. It’s common knowledge that education in government, and civics has been lacking in our school systems in recent years. Yet our government from the president on down and the news media, when they address the people, they refer to members of the House of Representatives as Congressmen (or women). They are not Congressmen. Their titles are Representatives. If they are a congressman, so also is a Senator by gum and by golly. Congress is the name given to our national legislature, a bicameral body made up of the House of Representatives, the lower house, and the Senate, the upper house. To be a congressman, one would have to be both a Representative and a Senator at the same time. Duh… By the way, do you want to know why we have two houses? In short, the answer is the lower house, the House of Representatives represent the majority of the people, the masses who elect them. There are 435 members. The Senate, the upper house, represents the minority elite among us, in theory at least. There are 100 of them. I say elite. In our nation’s beginning, Senators were elected by the House of Representatives. Only later in the course of our history where they were elected by the people as they now are. For further information:

http://www.sfgate.com/politics/article/Enduring-debate-elitism-versus-populism-3189454.php

To close, for now, our news media exists to serve our people. They have to earn income to pay their bills, i.e. salaries, insurance, rent, and return on investments to their investors, but their main purpose, their only purpose which, in the end, justifies their very existence is to serve the people with news which is the truth; and, in my view, they could do a much better job. This is my view. What’s yours? Saturday, October 19, 2024, Jacksonville, Florida USA From: Steven P. Miller, @ParkermillerQ, gatekeeperwatchman.org  TM ‎Founder and Administrator of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups. #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO. www.facebook.com/gatekeeperwatchnan www.facebook.com/ Instagram: steven_parker_miller_1956

[quillpokebiology]

hey for. no reason in particular. can i get some facts abt phantump and/or gastly

-@old-chateau-dweller

Phantump because I only do one pokemon at a time, and I like them better

Phantump Facts

(Art by JamesTurner_42 on Twitter)

-Did you know Phantump is one of my favorite ghost types? Anyways, real facts now

-The scientific name for Phantump is "Pueri Lignor" which roughly translates to "Child of wood"

-Phantumps are able to posses all kinds of tree stumps, like oak, birch, redwood, etc. The ones that posses deciduous trees are said to be the most deadly

-I'm sure everyone is aware of the legend saying that they're the souls of children that have died in the woods. What do I, as a researcher think of this? I don't know. There's a lot of evidence to support that theory, and it wouldn't be the first time something like that happened. But all of that could just be a coincidence

-Even if this theory is true, Trevenant are still able to breed (Phantump too, but that's creepy and gross as hell when you think about it, so I'm saying Trevenant). So that doesn't mean that all Phantump would be born from a stump

-They're known to be very hesitant to leave the woods, but can be lured out using candy, stuffed animals, or games

-While not proven, one research says they found a ghost/poison Phantump variant, with the Phantump having mushrooms all over its stump (//idea from Tofrug's Swamp. You can look them up to find other cool fakemon!)

-Including cries, Phantump are also good at mimicking other forms of human speech

-There have been multiple cases of children going missing, and then a Phantump appearing at the houses those kids lived in days later. A lot of the families end up catching the Phantump or letting them stay with them since they believe this is their kid

-There have been multiple instances around the world where Phantump would go out of their way to play with young children they found. However, if it's a wild Phantump, this isn't a good idea as they're known to get children lost in the forest

-Phantump will usually gather around a Trevenant for protection. If you see a Phantump, there might be a Trevenant nearby as well

-While a lot of people assume thaat you can take off Phantump's stump, the stump is actually attached to their body, and attempting to take it off can really hurt them

-Their organs are incredibly light to hold and also feel a bit weird. It's hard to describe. They look almost transparent, and they don't have the same bodily functions that we have. For example, they don't poop or pee their food out. All kf it seems to just turn into energy (no I didn't kill a Phantump, it was a surgery, and he's doing fine right now)

-Unlike a lot of other grass types, they can't and don't photosynthesis. For one, the stump they inhabit is already dead, so it can't. Two, they dont like the light anyway, and they prefer to stay the shadowy dark lasts of the forest

-Phantump are shown to really like Shuppet and Bannette. In many instances where they were being studied together, or put in close proximity, Phantump would always run over and try and play with the Shuppet or Bannette. For some reason, Phantump hatched from eggs don't always react like this

-Phantump become a lot less shy during Halloween and sometimes even go trick or treating with the young children. People in Kalos always saw this as a good sign since Phantump are said to protect the forest

(Art by rosevolii on Twitter)

[dissociacrip]

it's dysautonomia awareness month 💙 and while what i have (POTS & NCS) are common conditions, here are some things i feel don't get talked about enough

(NCS = neurocardiogenic syncope; it's sometimes also called vasovagal syncope, vasodepressor syncope, reflex syncope, and neurally-mediated syncope)

disclaimer - i'm a layperson, if any of this information is actually incorrect please let me know ASAP!

1. coathanger pain

coathanger pain is a symptom associated with orthostatic intolerance in general, not just POTS, but it also has yet to be extensively studied/fully understood

it's called "coathanger pain" as it occurs in a "coathanger" shape affecting the base of the neck and spreading into the upper back and shoulders, in my experience it's a searing pain that's simultaneously icy (like the icy-hot sensation you might get when sticking your hand in front of a hot tub jet) and becomes excruciatingly painful the longer i'm upright, it's also been described as a charley-horse sensation

the theory behind it is lack of sufficient oxygenated blood flow to the muscles in the upper body; without enough oxygen, muscle cells use fermentation to produce ATP, which triggers the production and buildup of lactic acid, causing progressively worsening pain

this likely happens because the autonomic mechanisms implicated in POTS and other forms of Ol fail to adequately counteract blood pooling in the legs and feet against the pull of gravity, resulting in decreased blood flow to the upper body

2. POTS is a heterogenous syndrome

what defines POTS is an HR increase of at least 30bpm in response to postural change (getting into a standing position), typically in the absence of orthostatic hypotension, which is something that can happen for a variety of reasons

idiopathic/primary (where the case isn't known) POTS is not uncommon, but not all cases of POTS are idiopathic and are instead secondary to another condition, such as those that involve damage to the peripheral nerves (e.g. diabetes and diabetic neuropathy)

some people recover from POTS if the underlying issue can be resolved, but in many cases it either can't or the underlying issue is unknown

there are "types" of POTS (hyperandrenegic, hypovolemic, neuropathic) but these aren't distinct subtypes so much as mechanisms that can be involved, which means some people can experience multiple

this also means that POTS has a wide range of presentations: some people may recover, some people will have mostly steady impairment with more of a relapse-remission pattern based on various factors, and some people become sicker over time if the underlying cause is progressive

3. how "pre-syncope" works

syncope = fainting

pre-syncope = symptoms that lead up to fainting/the "podrome" of syncope (e.g. lightheadedness, sweating, stomach discomfort, etc.)

"pre-syncope" is generally used to refer to the cluster of symptoms one experiences as a result of POTS regardless of whether they actually lead fainting, not everyone with POTS is considered a faint risk

personally i am a faint risk but i usually only faint due to exacerbating circumstances (hypotension triggered by heat or lack of food, etc.) & not necessarily POTS by itself (i usually have NCS in response to getting blood drawn)

i can usually tell i'm actually going to faint based on tells like profuse sweating and the gross feeling in my stomach, but for example i can be on my feet for hours with progressively worsening ataxia that never lead to me blacking out (assuming that's due to my POTS and not something else Imao, the jury is still out on that one)

other people experience a similar situation where their symptoms are still considered "pre-syncope" even if they never lead up to actual syncope

4. convulsive syncope

convulsive syncope is a "type" of faint episode that can externally resemble a seizure due to jerking body movements, but isn't actually a seizure (it's also different from PNES)

unlike seizures, convulsive syncope is usually very short-lived (usually less than 1 minute) and has rapid recovery once adequate blood flow to the brain restored, however - while i'm no expert - i think it's fair to say if you think someone is having a seizure it's better to assume that's the case & respond appropriately

faint episodes (convulsive or no) can still be a pretty serious thing due to the risk of bodily injury, especially TBI

sources/further reading

about POTS (dysautonomia international)

coathanger pain (the dysautonomia project)

convulsive syncope (medlink)

[horizon-verizon]

Hi !!!!

What do you think about the fact that people say that the northman smell ? I always thought that this was some kind of lie or stereotype because they are different from the rest of the 7K .

But I've seen people say that there is only one kind of people that smell and they are the northman not the dornish . I thought that both this and the stereotypes about dornishman were due to their differences from the rest of the people . But some people take it literally.

What's your opinion on this?

Context

It's a very old and habitual thing for people to claim a certain "foreign" group of people "smell funny" or "bad" bc it's a complaint of the proximity to said foreign peoples. You know, if you're close enough to smell, you'd be confronted with how "rank" they innately are and should be somewhere else from you/yours. This is an example of how xenophobia and racism can overlap, bc racists will also/have also claimed non white people smell weird or their food smells weird and "gross" when it's simply different and/or stronger bc they actually season it with different things...or just season. Or whatever. Same idea, proximity and being in the presence of "weird" things, which in racism is then used to justify there being inherent differences b/t the groups that makes the non-smelly one innately superior and the only one capable of not being smelly/having "good" food within an burgeoning or existing racial system. Xenophobia gives easy rise to racism; racism affirms xenophobia. A cycle.

Answer

The "smelly" Dornish thing is stereotyping; the "Northners are actually smelly one" is anti-stereotyping and flipping the narrative. even though both groups are subject to xenophobia in-world, even to different degrees.

I actually have never heard people in the fandom say the northerners smell. And I don't remember any in-world character of any of the books claim such or hear another say so. Northmen are usually referred to as "savages" by some Andal-descents, esp septons (Eustace). So I'd have to see an example of that.

But it sounds like people are trying to defend the Dornish--or rather come back at the clear racism and xenophobia some fans have against the Dornish (I say racism bc the Dornish are PoC in many fans' eyes, esp from the show and so they treat them as such and base their theories and assessments of the world based on that). and doing so by doing what people often do in real life when white people--of any and all countries--try to make xenophobic and racists remarks about PoCs and Black peoples or just people from other countries: point out the hypocrisy by bringing up facts abt how they do not escape the facts of their own criticisms. Or just emphasize something else that show how they shouldn't be the authority to judge bc they are the bad actor that perpetuate/cause/set up the conditions being criticized (if the criticism is pointing out a fact but in bad faith to then lead up to imply that the PoCs and Black people cause such things themselves to themselves or that they innately show their inferiority by doing such things that the criticizer removes context of for such a claim of superiority).

Like English people vs Americans with traveling; Brits claim Americans don't travel and are uncultured bc of it, therefore are also dumb, but ironically, their island is not even the size of Texas and people travel 5 European countries worth sometimes to just see family, important landmarks, and end up also exploring indigenous tribes (hopefully respectfully). And because there are frankly thousands of different ethnicities and cultures and indigenous nations across this country that have influenced and grander "American" culture, the U.S. is already very "cultured" even if citizens stay within the country--Americans actually travel more going to work than Europeans tend to for their work. It doesn't make them/us necessarily superior, but that's how many Europeans on the Internet and some of real life like to think bc that's what they are looking for--innate human "superiority" AND an unchallenged justification of such so that they can continue their racism, some whites-first agenda, bc that's what it is. Then there's the whole business of rising far right groups in Europe reflecting how such has happened in the States but Europeans refusing to acknowledge how these are fascists they themselves enabled to be in power. And then there is when I talked about Israel and Eurovision, although that could have also been an Israeli 🙄. So it's most likely this.

Now, for them to use the northerners as the element of "white-people-saying-shit-to-be-superior", we need to know what facts could give the idea that northerners "smell" in the first place (bc it is a fact that many white people don't wash their legs and they had comparatively bad systems of hygiene and sewage compared to what we see as PoC civilizations AFTER the Romans at least). The northerners, I think, would be more inside often bc of the weather and have less access to water unless you are a Stark. Or at least this is what I think Andal people would think, too. So the other possibility is that people have headcanoned that the Northerners actually do stink in comparison to Andal descents but that this stink is made a part of their very being instead of being conditional. Again, removal of context, but as a way to show how the "other side" removes the context and push it in their face.

Because unlike the Dornish, the northerners more often practice male primogeniture AND are universally pale. Even as they worship the Old gods and practice much more subsistence-based practices form both the environment and those old god-based traditions they adopted form the twstsote/children of the forest.

They are, in a word, as less diverse than Dornish people and relatively have similar cultural practices amongst themselves as the Andals do themselves due to the isolation the Neck affords them. So they have less phenotically different features than the Andal people that we'd call "white" features (a range of very diff eye colors & "straight" features). The deal with Ned, his father, brother, and Lyanna plus the Strks of the main series? This is an anomaly in Westerosi history, where the Starks are more active than they've really ever been in "southron" politics. And the Starks are the second most fav house in the fandom.

Taking all this into account, the xenophobia towards the Northerners isn't quite as prominent in Westeros and in the fandom itself since people watched GoT and read the main series. People have misunderstood the Starks place in the politics and society of Westeros b/c the Starks are such a (usually positive) presence in the story that we had & which existed before AWoIaF, the Dunk and Egg series, Rogue Prince, TP&TQ, and F&B.

So it is useful AND truthful to re-foreignize them by pointing out how they have been "foreign" to the "majority" Andal-nonDornish descendants for thousands of years to throw off annoying/racist Stark stans. This is totally different "work" than when people (inworld or in the fandom) claim the Dornish "smell". They are not the same acts. Because Dornish people, rather than northerners, will face more bigoted readings from fans than northerners will.

[janisbuggybones]

---->An explanation of the story I want to tell<----

---->Nothing goes right and the everlasting need the characters feel to just be happy is never fulfilled, or maybe it is?

---->The only person to see this is my best friend because it started out as a role play thing but further into it I realized this was the story I wanted to tell.

--->Not one where Janis is a gangster volleyball player that has it all and so much more to the point its sickening.

---->Not one where Janis dies via suicide and reincarnates fresh as new the next day.

---->Not one where Janis is so disgustingly gross to the point I wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

---->The story I'm meant to write is one similar to Owari no Seraph, in its complicated and has tragic history but also to Noragami, in that it has a hierarchy of humanoid gods and the main characters dont want everything, just happiness. But it's neither really, because the story I want to tell is named "Apples and Bugs" (working title idrk) and under the cut is an analysis and further explanation towards everything that want to happen.

First, as spoken by the former archangel Luca, now a fallen angel.

"Yep. She was Adam and eikko was Eve and they were the beginning of humans. I'm sure if it wouldn't kill eikko, I could make her remember that far into her past." He said "but anyway, earth started out as it's said in textbooks, evolution and all that stuff led to dinosaurs. But then the gods popped into existance to earth and wiped out most life to make it more advanced with the introduction of humans. The God of God's, amaryllis, made Janis from her own rib and then eikko from Janis' rib to make who Christians know as Adam and eve. Though this happened hundreds of times as they kept dying and dying, until they accidentally created vampires and magic, which allowed Adam and eve to survive finally." He said

___________________________________________________

To start, Janis is Adam, a man born near Korea when the earth was in its beta stages, meaning the little islands that make up Japan are on the continent of Asia currently. Eikko is born what would be called Japanese today and so Is Janis, though in most of her renditions, she's Korean.

The reason planets and everything are there is because of just suddenly the universe imploded sometime and made everything (following the big bang theory I guess). That included the God of God's, Amaryllis, who was born from an incredible supernova bringing a being of pure energy to sentience.

She found earth and decided to have some fun because at this point, she had been alone for aeons upon aeons. She sees the beginning stages of earth, bacteria and mostly water, and sees it as her canvas. Under her watch, the world evolves like in most textbooks, up until the dinosaurs, at which she wipes her slate mostly clean to make way for none other than all the Adam's and Eve's. Then she expirements to keep her creations alive longer, and incidentally creates magic and vampires. Adam is able to drink blood to keep himself alive and Eve can turn her energy into magic that can make sustenance, making a small food chain. It took a few incarnations before Adam realized he needed Eve to survive, instead of drinking all her blood right away. This built their relationship as Adam dependant on Eve, leading to all future vampires treating women like goddesses because Eve helped vampires thrive in their early days.

___________________________________________________

"The top 10 gods did similar expirements all over the world and it culminated in the birth of multiple civilizations all over the world. Janis lives on for longer than eikko as she eventually dies as a human. Janis then killed herself and they hit their first reincarnation. The gods were shocked at this, but watched in happiness as the sentience they made turned out to be just as complex as their own. I was born around that time, made out of janis' pure anguish as she realized eikko wasn't with her anymore. They called me an angel and told me Janis was my duty so I was to watch over her and observe for the gods." He said quietly "I was so young, and my body was so pure then....." he said softly

___________________________________________________

Amaryllis then made gods from supernovae she herself caused, with her infinite energy source and the 10 most powerful were made to start civilizations, allowing for diversity. This ended up in 1/5 males being vampires and when mated with human women, they had a 1/2 chance of having vampire babies. This grew the populations around the world of both humans and vampires.

During all this growth, Adam witnesses his Eve die before him from old age. As he had grown dependant on her, he felt so angry and sad that he couldn't handle it and killed himself.

Now our narrator, Luca, was born from this anguish as a innocent babe. The gods hadn't expected the pure anguish of a being other than them could have produced a winged creature such as luca, but went with it, making Luca the first angel (but not really considered an angel until he did a holy deed, further mentioned ahead). They assigned him to watch over Adam for research but not to intervene in what they carry out their human nature.

___________________________________________________

" Skip ahead a few hundred years, we had castles with elevated magic and a semi sophisticated society. That's when geo was born half spirit, with half of a seemingly random spirit in him to keep him alive. This spirit was me, or my human version, because appearantly I was human before angel. That human had a weak body and died in childbirth, growing up in the spirit world as a scared boy. Eventually, geos parents found the spirit and he wanted to be alive again so he agreed, giving up a chance at reincarnation to keep geo alive." He said quietly

___________________________________________________

Hundreds of years later, they end up in the time of castles and kings, the renesaince. This time, we shift to Geo Archviste, the prince of lady Shiromiya, Lady Sonneto, and His highness, Sir Pierre de Archviste. Selen is a spirit and she made love with Pierre, resulting in a baby with half the spirit needed to keep a baby alive.

They scoured the spirit world (a separate pocket space where all the spirits slip into and roam until their eventual reincarnation or damnation after being judged by Pierre) for a spirit willing to take on the noble task and Luca's human spirit was chosen to keep the boy alive. Now Luca would be permanently an angel, unless he were to fall and become a demon in hell to assist in punishing the bad spirits until rehabilitation for reincarnation.

___________________________________________________

Its oki sorry i kinda worried you///

"That deed was perceived as noble by a god and then I was made into an angel without a spirit. Then time went on and Adam and eve reincarnated. Eve was now eikko and Adam was now a young man named....it'd be disrespectful to say....he was born in what is now known as Korea as a vampire, and lived on feeling strange." He said

" He eventually found out the cause of this feeling was his body, feeling jealous of women and their beautiful bodies. But then as he thought more, he began to understand it wasn't just their bodies, he had more of the mind of a woman and understood then that he was born in the wrong body. Her life continued as she traveled and understood her condition further, taking her name from one of her slain vampire brethren, Janis foster. She moved more into Europe before being slain by the church that had established there. She was then reincarnated in the vampire world, a world made akin to the spirit world but for the protection of vampires. She became their princess before fleeing for the human world."

___________________________________________________

Adam and Eve are reintroduced again, now reincarnated as Eikko and **** ***. The latter is born into a male vampire body while Eikko is born a woman.

As **** *** goes on, she finds herself through her adventures and is included in many battles, taking the name of one of her honorable vampire friends Adam was **** *** and now she's Janis Foster.

Janis went through her travels, traveling more inland, until the church killed her. The church had a weak understanding of the real god(s) and reasoning behind everything and thought vampires to be hellspawn, so they embarked on crusades against vampire kind, leaving tension and vampires to go into hiding.

The vampires had fashioned a spirit world like pocket space on earth just for vampires out of a collective pool of hundreds of individual magics, and Janis ended up reincarnated into it and was made their princess. By this time, she had found a way to give herself a womanly chest via magic and it greatly helped her self and Public image but sadly nothing could be done for her lower parts because of the complexity of the organs. She was accepted as a princess, but vampires only have princesses(queens really) to well (mainly rule) have children as vampires are way less fertile than humans and it takes a lot to successfully have a child, let alone multiple.

She felt wrong getting someone pregnant just because she was told to and the amount of red flags was forehead high for her and she didn't like anything about the vampire kingdom so she fled.

___________________________________________________

"She then became a knight for the first kingdom willing to take her in and from there on, accomplished many feats such as ending entire wars with just her own hands and holy sword. She was then sold to the renku kingdom to pay off their debts and assigned to look after eikko, now reincarnated as a princess. After that, they eventually fell in love with eachother and met geo, who they then fell in love with as well. But their relationship wasn't perfect, as it slowly degraded from Janis and geos obsessive nature's." He said

___________________________________________________

Janis took on her persona of a knight and as he said, accomplished many feats, such as ending the great ogre war, ending territorial disputes with the great forest fae (a more talk it out kind of thing but it was serious. Wars were planned), and stopping the senate of her kingdom (the Regulus Orchid kingdom), from waging war against 4 powerhouses in the kingdom economy they had going on that would ruin the peace of the entire continent.

But her usefulness outlived her, as she was sold to the Renku kingdom to pay off their debts. She was worth about $5 million in usd now, but 6,000 gold coins back then. A coin for reference could get you dinner and lunch for 4 days.

She was assigned to protect Eikko Renku, the kingdom's princess on her travels to find a suitable husband across many kingdoms and eventually they fell in love.

--> some more juice to this part, a suitor came to her kingdom and acted like your typical man at that time, misogynistic and coddling. He ended up sneaking a team of assasins in somehow and tried to ambush Eikko in the courtyard, but Janis easily slain all of them. However, it's revealed later that Eikko had died and Janis traded the souls of the men she slain for Eikko to come back. She was lucky and toyed with the kingdom of hell and all souls to bring her crush back because she thought she was really cute. She's a person who doesn't think much of her actions, and would have done it for anyone but not cared of the result (most times a no), but for Eikko, she pleaded with her all to bring her back to life. It brings back into light the original Adam and Eve relationship, with Eikko as Eve and Janis as Adam. (She's a vampire still)

As stated before, vampires are naturally submissive to human women, and Janis had been extra obsessed with eikko. Geo had too, but his love wasn't in his genes, he genuinely fell into extreme love for both of them. This led to roughy patch upon roughy patch as Janis slain Eikkos entire previous kingdom by letting a Mimic into the castle grounds.

A mimic is a waterborne shape-shifting creature that favors humans. They are animalistic and kill and feed upon those that treat it with disgust. It can't talk understandably except to those who it blesses with its friendship, such as Eikko. She eventually came back to ker kingdom slain and finds the Mimic but befriends it before Pierre euthanized it humanely, as they are incredibly dangerous. Looking back, he felt bad, but he had a kingdom to protect, he couldn't take the risk of it escaping the castle.

___________________________________________________

"Eventually geo decided it would be best if they started over and poisoned all three of them, hoping for a new life together. But only eikko and Janis died, because geo was immortal but though the poison would work. He was left alone for hundreds of years before meeting Janis as an alchemist, who then helped him to bring eikko back, at a cost." He mumbled

"Janis ended up dying, but eikko was now in a fake body that was nearly completely human. Geo and eikko were together again but now they needed Janis. They found her a few hundred years later as a vampire oni. They were finally back together but happiness was short lived as about a hundred years later, janis and geo were kidnapped by a devil that wanted to try and use Janis' blood to manufacture a plague that would destroy the God's expirements."

___________________________________________________

Geo had found their relationship beyond repair and found a poison said to kill immortal beings such as himself and vampires. He then had all three of them take it to try and get them to reincarnate together, but it backfired as you could tell. It couldn't kill immortals, just vampires because of it vampire warding toxins, and humans because of their low immunity to the chemicals in the poison.

He went on, grief-stricken and obsessed with getting them back. He managed to get Eikko's soul contained and works with alchemists across the globe, looking for a way to bring Eikko back. He then comes across Janis, now an alchemist that was trying to find someone to fund her rebirth studies, and they worked together. They made the first synthetic human body and brought it to life, at the cost of Janis' life.

Eikko then lives on with Geo until they find Janis a few centuries later as a vampire oni now. She's rude and brash, but they end up making her fall for them and go back to her mostly complainant and nice personality that they fell in love with.

They were like that for a bit, before eventually, Geo and Janis were kidnapped for about 13 years by a devil trying to wipe out humanity.

___________________________________________________

"It didn't work and eikko moved on as she was left alone for over a decade. But Janis and geo eventually escaped and got back together with eikko only to find out she was with someone else under the pretense they were dead. This led Janis to try and become a god to protect them and keep them all safe, but it backfired and she received a holy punishment. She watched eikko and geo die before her eyes before staying chained up for over a millenia."

___________________________________________________

Janis and Geo are eventually able to escape, but by then, she had moved on on the pretense they were dead. They try hard to salvage the relationship but Janis (driven a bit mad by the torture) sees Eikko's new boyfriend as an enemy and evil so she gets rid of him and goes through with the ritual to turn into a god, made by her previous research as an alchemist, in an attempt to protect her loved ones.

It backfired too, and she ended up watching Eikko and Geo be slain in front of her before she was chained up for a millenia. During this time, Luca re-appeared and committed a grave sin: don't communicate with those on the living plain. And he was descended from heaven, his angelic body very slowly degrading without the support of the heavens.

___________________________________________________

"Then we're brought to your last reincarnation. You two found Janis and lived out a normal life with her for the most part. Until you two died of old age and she killed herself to with you two. Then I made her cult, to bring her power and help her thrive as a god. You and geo were born into the cult and you know the rest by now right?" He asked quietly

___________________________________________________

Then their latest reincarnation, they have near happiness, but leave Janis behind, more detailed in (blurb link here). Luca makes a cult after Janis to give her power that she can one day use to reinstate him to heaven. Now that's probably all lol. Idk I'm writing this on one huge hyperfixation rn lollll

[pr3tty-wh3ny0ucry]

1.23.23

I didn’t sleep last night :/, I hate when I don’t sleep. It makes me feel extra crazy. Around 5:30 I went to get starbucks. I was scared I was going to crash, needed REAL coffee to stay awake. COLD BREW is always a favorite. After starbucks went to class #1 (color theory). Realized my project was shit. it’s ok because I am going to re- do it anyway.

I have perfectionist qualities but lack the motivation to make my work look the way I want it too. This always leaves me feeling like I’m a failure, wasting my money and leaves me with the feeling that i’m not good enough to be at the school i’m at. I put SO much pressure on myself, more then anyone realizes I think… it’s killing me. I need to remember to take a step back and remember that not everything has to be perfect. I need to remember to take things one step and a time. I don’t need to GO GO GO all the time, that’s not heathy for me.

After Design i went back to my dorm room, I was planning on taking a nap but i didn’t. I called my mom. She asked me how I was. I responded. “Tired and hungry”. Shockingly she sent me $15 to go out and get food. I was NOT expecting this what so ever but was thankful, I was planning on eating at a dining hall and that was the last thing I wanted to do so it was nice to go out and grab lunch ALONE. I went to a place called M cafe or something, honesty i can’t remember. But it’s on BAY and is a french cafe

Alone time is very important to me, I feel like if I can’t do at least one alone activity a day I start to feel trapped and overwhelmed by the people around me, I LOVE my friends. They are a lot sometimes.

After i got lunch I went to my second class. Drawing. This class is stressful because my teacher moves SO FAST. not much happened but I definitely did not have all the work i needed done, to be done.

After class I went to starlandia and to get vapes with a friend. I’m his driver for the week in exchange for @dderall, that’s kinda funny lol. I went back into my dorm room to shower and relax. The shower was nice. I feel clean now

My roommate and our other friend came back to the dorm so we could go and get food. The food was decent. Better then usual but not great, dining all food is mid at best. Sometimes it is hard to hang out with this friend. It hurts because I have genuine feelings. I’m not sure if he sees me the same, or as just someone he can get with when he’s drunk and bored. this makes me feel gross sometimes.

We went back to our room and just all hung out. The same friend I went to starlandia and to get vapes with came by as-well and he was with a girl on our floor. This girl made me cry once but i was also so cruel to her so I look past it. I think they like each-other. But don’t tell anyone, This is just a working theory I have because they just MAKE SENSE to me

Everyone left, Now I am here. I should be sleeping, it’s been over 24 hours, my eyes are heavy but I can’t sleep.

I am super exited for tomorrow because it’s wine night in the park. GOODNIGHT <3

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015 Making my final entry of the month to say that Tom might get a job promotion, but we don’t know yet for sure. It has to do with taking over the position of somebody who’s going on maternity leave, and we hope to learn something soon, one way or the other.

We went bike riding after he got home and ate, and now I’m listening to the sounds of the wind chimes because it is a bit breezy out there tonight. It’s supposed to be cool and rainy on Sunday, but you know how it usually works… there probably won’t be any rain.

MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2015 Just thought I would rant. Andy’s memory loss issues are so frustrating. It’s not just an occasional thing either; I constantly have to go over the same things with him, and it’s not always easy to be patient. It’s frustrating to tell him something because I know it’s a 50-50 chance he’ll remember it. It feels like I’m sending my words down a garbage disposal instead of into someone’s ears when I talk to him.

I believe that the 30 years he smoked pot likely contributed to his memory issues. However, I still wonder at times how much of it may be just plain selfishness and not caring enough to listen to the things I say. He asked me if I ever tried Nutrisystem’s food, so I searched my 2014 journal and found I had mentioned it 30 times. Thirty times! I also mentioned it to him on Ask and posted a picture when the food arrived on Facebook, which I know he saw. How many times can you tell someone the same thing before it sticks?

Not too long ago, I told him I was tired of the translation game where he’d post a picture with writing in another language for me to translate, and what does he do? He goes and posts a German quote and asks me to translate it.

He has been known in the past to be insensitive and even enjoy annoying, grossing out, and offending people, so what am I to think? It’s like how someone gets a prank phone call and my name is the first one they think of. However, I wasn’t always guilty, so maybe he isn’t always messing with me either, as I sometimes suspect. I suspect his doctor doesn’t understand the extent of his memory issues because I doubt he would come out and say, “By the way, Doc, I smoked weed for 30 years.”

Andy is one of those people I will always love and hate at the same time. Well, hate might be too strong a word, but I certainly have mixed emotions. A part of me wishes he didn’t have so much free time on his hands, but I know I would miss him if he suddenly weren’t around.

Later…

My period is now three weeks late, and I’m still wondering when, if ever, it’s going to show up. Tom and I both think I’ll get it sooner or later. I swear I feel these little pre-cramps, signaling that it’s about to begin, but then it never does. I hope there is nothing wrong with me, though neither of us thinks there is. I just had an exam not too long ago after all.

I’m just so tired of the long-drawn-out PMS phases. Nobody should have more than a few days to a week of PMS. Instead, I feel like I spend half my life PMSing.

Whenever I worry that something may kill me before I am old or before Tom dies, since I plan to go when he goes, I remind myself that the cursed don’t usually die young. If I’m right about being cursed throughout much of my life, then why would it kill me now? After all, if I’m dead, it can’t have its fun with me. This theory gives me a little hope that maybe if there is an afterlife, it truly is better than this life. If it weren’t, then why not just hurry up and kill me if it does harbor any hatred for me?

Although I’ve been a little better, death and dying are still on my mind too much. Too often, my mind plays out different scenarios of how the end may come. I worry that no matter how or when I die, I won’t go as peacefully as my parents and brother were said to have gone, and that I will suffer great agony in the end. And what if the afterlife is actually much, much worse?

While I still feel like I have many different things to look forward to in life, I also feel like life is one big waiting game and I’m just making the best of it until it ends. Technically, I suppose that’s all any of us can do.

When I’m in a gloomy mood, it’s easier to focus on the negative aspects of life, just like it’s easier to focus on the positive aspects when I’m in a better mood. His income is a great example of that. The most important thing in life is to be able to pay for the things you need. There is absolutely no doubt about that, and I meant it when I said that I would be grateful for just that much even if there was never any extra money. However, I can’t help but feel insulted for my husband and his year 2000 income. The average income is 50K these days, according to a chart I read that lists yearly averages from 1952 on up. So then why is my husband, who has worked very hard for so many years, making 32K without overtime? Twenty- and thirty-year-olds make twice as much, yet here he is busting his ass off for an income fit for 15 years ago. Even in Maricopa, he wasn’t making the national average. He was still 5-6 years behind even then. So what is he going to do, get paid an income fit for 2005 in 2025?

If I weren’t cursed with my schedule problem and was paid fairly, we could be making a total of 100K. Instead, we get a measly 32K. I’m just tired of being cheated when it comes to money. I should be getting disability benefits. I should have inherited a lot more than I did.

Life is never fair, he says. True, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I accept it. I expect it. But I definitely don’t like it.

Yes, my sleep disorder is one of my biggest curses, which sometimes gets me down. We rescheduled the ear doctor for later in the week, but there’s no way I can make it. I don’t feel bad for having to cancel because she did it to me, but it’s just one more thing I have to deal with. I still feel like all these appointments are having the cockroach effect where they keep breeding and multiplying. I’m hoping against hope that after I see my endo doc and have my foot followed up on, I can schedule appointments for both my eyes and ears, and catch a break over the summer.

I try to look at the good in my schedule-less life, although it is not always easy to do. Life would be more convenient if I were always on days, but then I would have to listen to the daytime noise about 20 days a month instead of about 10 days a month. Being on nights not only allows me to enjoy the peace and quiet, but it also allows me to go out exercising during the summer nights when it’s cooler.

I have been getting lazy again where my story is concerned. I always seem to be off to a good start, but then somewhere between 5K-10K words, I get tired of it.

Later…

Thought I’d start my entry while my food is cooling. Then I am going to eat and do some cleaning. After that’s done I will return to finish this entry. There really isn’t anything to update on, though. Once it’s cooler and traffic dies down around 9 or 10 this evening, I will go out walking.

In last night’s dream, the Kim that I briefly knew down in Arizona was responsible for committing some huge crime that somehow affected me along with many others. I was so pissed off that I threatened to kill her if she ever got out of prison and I was able to find her.

In another dream, Tom had his own apartment way up in a high-rise building. LOL, what’s up with that?

In yet another dream, I was at Valleyhead. Fun. :( I awoke in the dark parking lot in a van. Maybe I fell asleep after some of us were out somewhere and nobody wanted to wake me up. It was pitch black when I stepped out of the van. I couldn’t even see where the house was. I looked up toward the sky, trying to see if I could make out its roof against the sky but couldn’t. I knew it had rained recently and that there would be puddles scattered around the ground. I then realized I had on my nice new white slippers and that they would get filthy as I trekked through the muddy water.

Once inside the building, the sun was coming up and I looked at my bed longingly (the bottom bunk in a huge room), wishing I could return to sleep.

Instead, I went to shower with my slippers on in hopes of cleansing the mud from them.

When I was done, a blonde girl who might’ve been Maria raised her head from one of the upper bunks 2-3 bunks away from mine. She called to me in a hushed tone since most of the others were still asleep, and I walked over to her. My father was still alive in this dream apparently, because when she insisted that my dad and my brother left their glasses behind the last time they visited and that they were in the office, I said, ”I’m pretty sure my dad would’ve returned for the glasses by now, and my brother is dead, so that can’t be.”

For some reason, she seemed skeptical and I seemed offended, but then I turned to go through some important papers because I was getting ready to leave the place for good.

SUNDAY, MARCH 29, 2015 Well, we didn’t finish the painting yesterday, but it has been completed today. Next weekend, I plan to touch up spots that were missed with an artist’s brush. Some of the grooves were challenging to cover with the larger brush, particularly sections near the trim or ceiling. The drop cloths effectively protected the desk, washer, and dryer from paint, but we didn’t bother with the floor since it's due for replacement.

During a bike ride, the direct sunlight made it uncomfortably warm, so we didn’t stay out long. We rode down to the lake and fed the ducks.

I really wish they would ban those loud car stereos on the freeway once and for all. It’s frustrating that expressing an opinion seems difficult, yet disturbing the peace is tolerated.

In last night’s dream, we were vacationing in Hawaii. I may have had two dreams—one where we were considering moving there permanently. I enjoyed swimming in a pool and felt the same magical pull as our first visit. Tom didn't share the sentiment, so we decided not to move there.

In another scene, we admired the lush green grass of a lawn, a stark contrast to the drought-stricken area we're accustomed to. While out walking, Tom asked if we should explore a different area of Hawaii next time, to which I agreed.

We walked through a makeshift hotel where Tom amusedly commented on the proliferation of rooms. He helped a woman and her granddaughter with a gadget, delaying our plans slightly, which mildly annoyed me.

I just finished watching an episode of Forensic Files featuring a black Florida man who was tried and acquitted ten times for violent crimes before finally being convicted. It's frustratingly typical.

SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 2015 Tom hopes to finish the painting in the laundry room today, but life doesn’t always go according to plan, so we'll see.

The daytime weather has been beautiful, but it’s still chilly in the early mornings.

In one of last night’s dreams, I was staying in a large, two-story house with my sister and nieces. I occupied a cluttered bedroom with its own bathroom, a level of disarray my sister would never tolerate in real life. One night, I retired early before my nieces (Tammy was out somewhere).

The following morning, I asked them if they entered my room for any reason, but they denied it, though I could have sworn someone tiptoed in at some point.

In another dream, something was amiss with me, seemingly related to a medication I was taking rather than any underlying illness (hopefully not a warning sign!). I found myself in a large room with several people, and at one point, Mary G (now Mary D) approached me. She looked great, slim and trim with her hair pulled back in a long, thick wavy ponytail to her waist. She wore a summery dress and sandals with a 2 or 3-inch heel.

She approached me as if our real-life falling out hadn't occurred (over her use of me and her trust issues) and asked if everything was okay. I don't recall my reply, but I seemed to be crying as I responded. She mentioned something about either avoiding or reducing a certain medication, then walked away.

Later, I watched a prison documentary featuring her, though no such documentary existed in reality.

In the last dream, I held a small rabbit that bit me before it leaped out of my arms and started hopping away. A cat started chasing it, and I secretly hoped the cat would catch it for biting me.

Later…

The latest incident involves three individuals who attacked a white man on a subway simply for his opinion (or lack thereof) on Michael Brown. It's shameful that bystanders didn't intervene to help the victim but instead recorded the incident. Sadly, defending whites seems uncommon these days.

It's sickening. If they want acceptance in society, this isn't the way to achieve it. But many seem to accept these aggressive individuals who react violently to differing opinions.

Unfortunately, even if the perpetrators are caught, they might not be charged with the hate crime they should be. There are evident double standards in today's society. Blacks seem to get away with far too much while falsely claiming racism.

It's disheartening to witness the continued blaming of others and making excuses for their actions. The focus should be on taking responsibility for one's behavior.

I've encountered racism firsthand and heard numerous similar experiences. I could never hate someone for their race, but behavior is a different matter. I refuse to feel guilty for expressing negative feelings toward individuals or groups who cause harm.

I've learned that knowledge is power, and as long as I abide by blogging laws and avoid providing sensitive information or making direct threats, I'm within my rights to express my opinions.

I'll keep this entry private for my cousin Norma's sake, who inexplicably still sympathizes with these individuals. While I empathize with victims from the past, I refuse to condone violence as a means of seeking justice for historical injustices.

It's disheartening that some individuals resort to violence to advance in life. I'm frustrated by the prevalence of news about violent acts committed by certain groups.

I wish I could opt out of trending news, but to stay connected with loved ones on Facebook, I'm inundated with such content.

FRIDAY, MARCH 27, 2015 "When we laugh or scorn others who are different from us or who do things differently than we do, we are not only being mean, insensitive, and judgmental, but we are also being hypocritical in a sense, since we don’t want anybody laughing or judging us in return."

I completely resonate with the sentiment in the quote above. I often wonder what annoys me more: when people try to impose their beliefs on me or when they try to impose their interests on me.

Just when I thought this rat had stopped its random screaming, I was startled by it again last night. It caught me off guard enough that I yelled at it to shut up. Maybe it’s a game to the rat, and perhaps I should scream back? It’s both annoying and amusing, considering I've had rats since 1998, yet this behavior is still entirely new to me.

The other day, Tom mentioned that the room was spinning so badly when he got up that it took him a few attempts just to make it to the bathroom. His inner ear sometimes gets clogged up, and it was a while before he could even eat.

I slept kind of poorly because I kept waking up frequently, and one of those times was due to a sharp pain in the sole of my right foot.

I only recall a few seconds of last night’s dream. Once again, I found myself living with my mother (almost as bad as being chased by a monster), and our house was situated down a long winding driveway. At the end of the driveway, it went up a bit of a hill before descending into a clearing where the house stood, reminiscent of the location of the trailer in Auburn. However, instead of a dumpy old trailer, there was a large two-story house.

On a dark and rainy night, both my mother and I appeared relieved at the sight of the house. I remarked, "Ah, nothing like a warm bed awaiting us." Then, I looked at her and said, "Aren’t you glad to be able to go to bed now?" She nodded and then pressed a button on a remote, illuminating the kitchen lights.

THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 2015 Once again, I woke up with a scratchy throat, feeling almost as if there’s a dry spot in it. It won’t last long, but I just don’t understand it. I also keep feeling like my period is right around the corner, though it never comes. Despite sleeping well enough, I feel tired. My schedule shifted a whopping four hours, which is unusual for me—I usually only jump one or two. It wasn’t that I slept particularly long; rather, I was up very late last night. I just couldn’t sleep.

My toe might have oozed a bit during the night, so I soaked it in Epsom salt and decided to skip today’s walk. It still doesn’t hurt, though.

Yesterday, Tom and I went bike riding, and then I made us some pork chops when we got back to the house. Unfortunately, there was a lot of traffic at the time.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous now—neither too warm nor too cold, and perfectly dry.

Yesterday, the Forever in Blue Jeans figurines, along with the bronze statue, arrived. The erotic statue is okay, but I am more impressed with the others than I thought I would be. Even Tom likes them.

I’m recreating a collectibles chart in Word, adding little thumbnails of each collectible. Sometimes I just can’t remember who's who.

My weight is starting to become concerning. I usually don’t go to bed with a weight higher than 152 pounds before my periods. Last night, I was at 154.8. I managed to drop to around 153.4 before falling asleep, but I still woke up half a pound heavier than yesterday. It's only weight, right?

I know 2 pounds might not seem significant to most people, but for me, at my age and height, and considering I've remained within a pretty small weight range for years, it's troubling. I'm almost never under 147 or over 152. Some of it could be water weight, but the drastic fluctuations after eating suggest otherwise. I’ll definitely mention this to the doctor, as the constant water retention and super slow metabolism are really getting to me at times. I can’t seem to eat anything without gaining weight, not even an 80-calorie yogurt. I just doubt that she can help me any more than the ear doctor can.

I know technically my body wouldn’t gain weight it didn’t feel it needed. Like Tom says, my heart beats at the speed it needs to beat. However, since I do work out and I don’t overeat every single day, yet the weight hangs on, it's frustrating. I’ll have to find some way to finally reach acceptance and let my weight go wherever it’s meant to go if there’s truly nothing that can be done about it.

Next door continues to make two to three trips out a day, and I still can’t imagine where these people could be going so often seven days a week. Everyone else around us comes and goes zero to one time a day. At least I know there won’t be any projects going on during those 30 minutes to two hours that they’re out.

These landscapers are driving me insane like never before! Why are they doing this twice a day? They've been worse than ever, even during the winter. They won’t stop, and they can’t be drowned out. Joy obviously doesn’t care that we pay them hundreds of dollars each month. All she cares about is that everybody else complains if they’re not out there every day. I can’t believe people would actually want to listen to this every single day. The majority of them must be deafer than deaf. The equipment they use is so loud that I have to blast music or nature sounds to drown them out. They’re not even that close to the house, which shows how insanely loud they are. If they’re going to do this every day, I don’t understand why they don’t use quieter equipment. I also don’t understand why they feel the need to keep doing the same areas over and over every single day when other places do this once a week. There’s nothing about our plants and trees that grow faster than anyone else's. I’m just so sick and tired of hearing these things buzzing about every single day.

Today has turned out to be a really interesting day. Firstly, it was great to catch up with my sister yesterday. I had been worried about her as she has been feeling rather trapped and depressed. She’s highly allergic to the palm trees around her and has been unable to work not just because of allergies, but also because of other health problems, mostly concerning her lungs and heart. It’s sad because she was so excited about training to be a victim’s advocate, but that will have to wait. It seems that the only good thing she’s gotten out of Florida so far is the climate itself. Otherwise, she and Mark have had really bad luck so far. :(

She sent me a selfie, and she looks absolutely different. I wouldn’t recognize her. She’s gained weight, and her hair is half gray, half blond, much to my surprise. Tom thought she looked good, though, considering all she’s been through. Sometimes I still worry that she won’t make it much longer, but other times I am confident that she will.

The interesting part is that the lovely English actress Jenny Seagrove started following me on Twitter. I had a dream about her a few nights ago where my deceased mother sent me to live with her in London because the economy was bad. Anyway, I mentioned this to Jenny in a tweet and told her I had been a fan of hers since the '90s.

I actually went to see her in a horror movie with Andy in 1990 in Springfield, Massachusetts. It was called The Guardian. She was in her early 30s at the time. I liked both the movie and her, and even had a little crush on her for a while.

I haven’t been into celebrities since the '90s and see them as no more or less human than anybody else. In fact, I look down upon some of them and find them to be horrible role models for youngsters these days. I could walk by the most famous of celebrities right this second and not be any more fazed than if I walked by a total nobody. I admit I often roll my eyes at those who drool over celebrities as if they’re magical little gods. However, I can’t deny that I was quite flattered to find she followed me after I started following her. Had somebody told me this would happen over 20 years ago when I was having fun printing stills I made from her videos, which was then a relatively new thing, I would have laughed my ass off.

I guess I will watch what I say on Twitter, within reason, and curb my swearing and things like that, even though I don’t expect her to actually see most of my tweets. Also, even though I doubt she would read it, much less be offended if she did, I will not share the link to this blog post on Twitter either.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015 Although my toe stung and throbbed last night, I didn’t wake up with the achy toe I expected today. When the other doctor treated my toe, I woke up several times in pain. It just shows how much better this doctor is—she did a far better job.

It took me a few minutes to snip the bandage off this morning. I thought the toe would look kind of gross, but it doesn’t, and I’m not walking with a limp either. However, it doesn’t mean I should hit the treadmill just yet. I soaked it in Epsom salt and decided not to put a Band-Aid on it yet so I could let it air out for a while. Band-Aids can actually slow the healing process.

The doctor seemed really understanding that what happened last summer put a complex on me when it comes to all things medical. Even though I have improved immensely, the fears caused by such trauma don’t usually dissipate in just days or even weeks; it takes months. I still worry that my heart may race even on just 50 mcg. Living in fear is terrible. When nothing is actually happening to me, I worry that it will. However, I have no doubt that each month passing without incident will make it easier for me.

In last night’s dreams, my mother was still alive, and apparently, I was living with her. The economy was really bad, so she wanted to close up the house and have us go live somewhere else until the recession ended. She went to stay with a friend and then she sent me to the home of the actress Jenny Seagrove, LOL.

She had a huge house, and there were always tons of fun things to do in and around her house. She and I eventually became more than friends. She had a huge pool with a slide that ran down into another pool, which sort of wound around part of her property like a moat. Even though I had just taken a shower, the water was so beautiful that I wanted to take another swim.

Next thing I knew, Becky, my VH sister, was in the pool with me. She said, ”I’m always just a few minutes and one phone call away.” I was touched at how much she still cared about me and went to hug her. She stiffened up and kind of pushed me away, though. I thought it was a bit strange, but I was having too much fun to really care.

TUESDAY, MARCH 24, 2015 We were on our way to the ear specialist this morning when I realized I'd received a message earlier saying she’d called out for the day. Initially, I was annoyed that I hadn’t checked my messages before leaving the house. However, we decided to seize the opportunity and headed to Home Depot, where we picked up some more painting brushes and an 8’ strip of rainbow tape lighting.

After returning home, we had to rush out again in 20 minutes for the podiatrist, so this will be a rather quick entry.

My heart started racing yesterday when I sat down to watch a show and eat some crackers. My first thought was, oh no, you've got to be kidding me?! Then I experienced stomach pains followed by the runs. I'm hoping it was just something I ate that was bad (maybe the milk in the cereal I had earlier?).

Later…

Just got back from a little unexpected toe surgery. I mean, I knew she was going to do this; I just didn’t expect it to be today. Sensing my anxiety, she decided it would be best to just go ahead and get it over with, and I’m glad she did, even though I'm now swapping in lidocaine for pain as the numbness wears off. It's throbbing and stinging, just like last time.

Doctor M was great, and I already gave her a rave review on Yelp. She was very friendly, and very skinny too, LOL, like she never eats. I'd guess her to be somewhere in her 30s. She was blond, blue-eyed, and American, so I didn't have to deal with any funky accents. Her assistant was also American and very friendly.

She killed the root on the left side of the toe, so the ingrown toenail has only a 10% chance of growing back. This doctor was much better than that hotshot quack I used to see. She poured cold water with some chemical in it as she was numbing me, which made it easier. The other doctor just shot me up raw. This doctor said that was cruel. Yeah, it kinda was, LOL. She also used one of those tourniquets you tie on instead of the ring that the other doctor slipped on my toe.

Recovery could take a while, so I may be limping around for several days. No working out for me for a while either, so I gotta watch what I eat as my hypothyroidism hasn’t improved as much as I wish it would.

The chemical she used to burn the root may cause oozing at times because a blister forms afterward. I have to soak it in Epsom salt each day, and I have ibuprofen if the pain gets to me.

As for the fungus that’s in 4 of the nails… she said it’s a simple surface fungus (onychomycosis) and can be treated with an over-the-counter remedy. She said to make an appointment if it’s still present in 6 months or if the toe she worked on develops any problems. There’s always a risk of infection. I will have a follow-up appointment the day after I see my endo.

I keep hoping all these damn appointments will slow down soon, but it seems they never do. I still have to reschedule the ear specialist and get my eyes dealt with.

I had positive dreams for once, so that was nice. In one dream, we were staying at a hotel. I came back to the room after being out somewhere to find the housekeeper cleaning away, and then some guy said I won some expensive power tools and $2500 cash. I hope the cash win was a good sign for whenever we go to Reno, which may be a while due to the snow up in the mountains, and my toe.

MONDAY, MARCH 23, 2015 Tom and I have been tossing around the idea of one day doing a Euro trip where we would sweep through most of the countries in Europe. I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of seeing Irene in Austria and Christiane in Germany, knowing full well they would mention it to Nane. Imagine what would be going through her mind! LMAO! Either way, it would be cool to visit my cyber friends over there—Adonis in the Netherlands, Mitch in Wales, and Christian in Norway. Not saying this will happen, but it’s a nice thought.

Yesterday, my throat felt a bit off and I felt a bit run down, too. I wrote it off to my never-ending PMS, but today I feel just fine, so I don’t know what that was all about. I only slept six hours, yet I feel more awake today than I did yesterday. The fact that menopause is setting in is pretty exciting! :)

I took a walk this morning, and it must have rained last night because the roads were wet. Sure enough, that damn flag is already wrapped around its pole, even though we paid extra for an add-on that’s supposed to prevent that.

It is so wonderful to be able to do simple things like walk around the block when Tom’s not home and not have to fear that my heart is going to start racing. I really hope my endocrinologist isn’t going to try to increase my dosage over 50 mcg when I see her in a few weeks. I realize I will never lose the extra weight I could stand to lose, but I don’t see how they can safely speed up my metabolism without putting me through the hell I went through last year. I don’t want to feel like shit just to look better.

Yesterday, we started painting the laundry room light blue. It is going to look so much better! It brightens it up tremendously. Going from brown paneling to light blue is like flicking a light switch on in that room. It just may take us a few days because the paint doesn’t adhere well to the slick paneling. The last owners had already whited out most of the house, so most of the place only needed one coat of paint, but this room is going to need two coats. This is the last of the raw paneling we will ever have to paint. Thank goodness!

Even without the paneling, this room is tough to paint. It’s small, but we have to go around doors, windows, and cabinets, as well as the washer and dryer. Tom is doing most of it because he is better at it than I am. It certainly helps to be taller when painting.

After this, all that will be left to paint are the bathrooms. This should be easier, although we do have to be careful when we go around the shower stalls, and painting around the toilets might be a bit of a challenge, too. That’s where my being small helps.

Gaudy or not, childish or not, I am having so much fun picking out future wall decals to stick on the newly painted walls. As most of you know, I already have a handful of wall stickers around the house—mostly flowers, dancers, skaters, gymnasts, and one strawberry rat with a black eye mixed in. :)

Currently, we have a white silhouette of a dancer in heels that is the largest decal at 72 inches stuck on the front door. To the sides of her are roses. On the opposite wall are purple flowers with butterflies as well as some hanging ivy.

In the kitchen, there are pink tulips and some butterflies.

The small section of wall across from the kitchen has a black silhouette of an eye, some butterflies, and some flowers stemming from the base. Those flowers are going to be replaced because I’m not happy with the way they came out. They are red and yellow-gold, which does not look good on a bold pink background. I intend to replace this with a black silhouette of a figure skater that is 31 inches tall.

Dotted along the hallway is a scattering of butterflies.

The master bedroom has pink and purple flowers plus butterflies. The master bathroom will eventually have pink flowers as well as a black silhouette of a gymnast. She will be sitting with one leg extended and her arms raised overhead. She is 36 inches long and 22 inches tall.

The pink rat lives on the door to the second bedroom. There are no decals yet in that room, but I was thinking of putting a purple gymnast above the closet that is 22 inches long and 13 inches tall. She is doing scissor splits in midair.

Once the second bathroom is painted, I was thinking of putting a smaller pair of gymnasts in there in blue. They are 13 inches wide and 10 inches tall.

The laundry room is going to have five 13-inch gymnasts in different poses. I decided to get them in dark purple so that they stand out against the blue paint. I have the option of getting multi-colors, but I thought that teal and lime might clash with the turquoise.

SUNDAY, MARCH 22, 2015 Woke up feeling tired. The period I was supposed to get on the ninth is getting closer, and we both agree that I definitely have signs of menopause setting in, but you have to have gone a whole year without it to be considered menopausal. I guess 51 is the average age for women in the US. It’s 44 for those in India. They’re lucky.

Really wish I knew why our rat, Cappy, randomly screams for no apparent reason at all. We've never had a rat do that before.

Yesterday was both relaxing and fun for us. We got things accomplished but still got to relax and enjoy ourselves.

We decided not to put the canopy over the swing because the swing is under the patio roof.

Tom had taken the flag down in front when it was windy, and the bracket broke off of the house in the back. He put the front flag back up, so the hummingbird and pink flowers are flying again. The cat and hydrangeas in the back will have to wait.

We went to Walmart, and later I came down with a sore throat, which I scalded with hot tea in case it was a cold trying to set in. Sure enough, my body fought it off. I feel fine today, just tired.

We decided we would alternate every other year between big trips and a major upgrade. That means that since we got me a new Mac and are doing a small trip to Reno this year, we can consider going to Florida next year. Then maybe we’ll make a major upgrade in 2017 and return to Hawaii in 2018. No guarantees, though.

SATURDAY, MARCH 21, 2015 I took proficiency tests in Spanish, Italian, and German. To my surprise, my German proficiency was higher than both my Spanish and Italian. I’m not sure whether to laugh or scream at that! I do question the accuracy of the tests since my Italian was only 1% higher than my Spanish. Despite the results, I still think Spanish is my best foreign language. However, I wouldn’t know this much German if it weren’t for Nane; I knew fewer than half a dozen words before 2010.

Due to the trash always stinking, I thought Tom was going to pick up a typical trashcan with a cover that you raise by stepping on a foot pedal when he went to Sam’s Club after work. Instead, I awoke to find a rather high-tech gadget in the kitchen that opened as soon as I walked by it. Then I found an email from dear hubby explaining:

"I know the garbage pail is not the one you saw and had in mind but let me explain. They had this electronic one right next to the other. They are the same size inside; this one is just not so oval-shaped. Also, this one was half the price so I decided that a house that has a robot vacuum and a talking assistant needed a motion-sensing garbage pail. The only thing that isn’t as nice is the way it closes. The other one kind of closed in slow motion but this one just drops shut."

I'm not sure I like having yet another thing that requires batteries, but it is still kind of cool.

I like how we can now see how many times our tweets have been viewed, though it’s hard to believe mine get that many views. Some of them get nearly 60 views, and I can’t help but wonder who all these people are who check my tweets out.

I had a series of dreams last night where one dream morphed into another. I was in a crowded courtroom where people were waiting for the judge. I walked out of the courtroom and saw a note just outside the door saying that no children under the age of eight were allowed inside.

Then I approached my treadmill, which was raised on some blocks, making the platform about three feet high. Some girl in heels hopped onto it, and then Andy got on behind her. Andy said something to the girl about not doing something (not going too fast?). The treadmill had controls alongside its platform as well as higher up, and I jokingly said, “Want me to turn it on? I can set it to 10 miles an hour.”

Then I was dusting the shelf of an old, dark closet when I heard the phone ring. I went to answer it, and the guy on the other end said he had been hired by Raj to find me. I asked how he found me and how much Raj paid him, and the guy said $3. Then the guy was standing in the room with me, and I was thinking to myself how easy it would be to rent a house from Raj if he had any to rent, if we were in his town and needed a place, even though I would probably wake up one morning after Tom left for work to find him standing by the bed with a hard-on.

FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 2015 I was trying to talk to a "dream person" in Spanish, but it just kept coming out in German. LOL.

I sat out on the swing yesterday and said hello to Bob. He was blowing pollen off his driveway. He mentioned that Virginia has a pinched nerve in her neck and needs to go to therapy next week but will probably be better by then.

He asked how Tom and I were doing, and I told him Tom’s been working overtime like crazy. Bob said that was a bummer, and I agreed, but added that we sure do like the extra money.

I mentioned that I felt like we have the ugliest lot on the circle, and he laughed, saying at least we have flowers and the camellias are doing well. He thinks the yellow flowers alongside the patio are African daisies.

The pink azaleas are starting to bloom in front. Those are my favorites. We also have red roses between our patio and his garage. I told him that if it were up to me, I would replace it all with white gravel because there are simply too many plants for such a tiny property. We’ve got cactus, aloe vera, and so much more.

I believe that everyone should be treated with fairness and equality, regardless of their background. It's frustrating to see cases where people feel justice isn't served equitably, such as in the episode of Forensic Files I watched. It featured a politician involved in a hit-and-run, and there was controversy over him receiving special treatment. It’s not uncommon for politicians to get special treatment due to their status, and this issue transcends race.

I sometimes feel society’s sense of good and bad, right and wrong, is skewed. For instance, I’ve worked hard to learn new languages, yet it often goes unrecognized. On the other hand, simpler achievements sometimes receive more praise. I know my husband appreciates my efforts, and that's what matters most.

I also struggle to understand the ongoing discrimination against the LGBTQ+ community, who simply seek equal rights. At the same time, it seems there is a lot of support for racial equality, which is necessary but complex. It's essential to acknowledge the historical and ongoing struggles faced by different communities without making broad generalizations.

Everyone deserves equal treatment and opportunities. Society needs to address issues of bias and inequality in a balanced and fair manner, recognizing that the fight for justice and equality is an ongoing process that requires understanding and compassion.

THURSDAY, MARCH 19, 2015 Telling people something once and having them forget may be just simple forgetfulness, but telling them over and over feels more like they don't care. It seems that way, anyway. Well, I give up on asking people to stop “liking” my cover pics on Facebook. Even though my cyberstalkers are a thing of the past, there’s always the potential for future ones, and Facebook is the one place I like to be private and selective, including keeping my friends' visibility limited. Yet, people are going to do what they want, so I just keep changing the pic until they stop “liking” it.

It has been noisy every single day this week. The residents haven’t been noisy, but the park sure has been. I don’t understand why they need to maintain the common areas in this section bit by bit when they used to do it in just one or two sessions. And why must they use the loudest equipment on the market? I know a lot of people are complaining about the same thing as spring sets in, and many hear more noise than I do (neighbors, dogs, gunshots, kids), but that doesn’t make the daily landscaping any less annoying to me. I don’t understand why the residents tolerate this any more than they do the noise of people breaking out their saws. Perhaps they are all deaf.

They have arrived. Yes, it’s official. We need to bomb this place soon because I saw the first spider of the year in the bathroom, and once I see one, they appear in a steady stream until winter. They’re not going to skip this house out of the goodness of their hearts.

I had a not-so-fun dream where Tom and I were facing homelessness. I then went down to my dentist’s office by myself and asked the dentist if she knew anybody who would give me a room in their house in exchange for me cleaning and doing their laundry. She told me I could just stay with her. The dream ended with me hugging her fiercely.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18, 2015 I put Hoodie in with Cappy, but sure enough, Cappy started screaming. So I separated them once again, and once again, I am contemplating getting rid of Cappy altogether. Why have I had such bad luck with rats in this state, except for two? I swear I will never get another rat again, just as I will never go on another diet. Diets work, mind you, but it helps not to have hypothyroidism, and it also helps not to be the kind of wimp I am when it comes to dealing with hunger. I like to eat when I’m hungry, and you often can’t do that on diets. So, working metabolism or not, fat I shall stay.

Now that Tom’s almost over his cold, we are going to go out for a quick walk real early this morning before he goes to work.

I have been hearing landscapers every day this week so far, and I wonder why. This is the park, not just the homeowners I’ve been hearing. I heard the park's landscapers twice on Monday and once yesterday. We don’t have falling leaves at this time of year, so I thought the daily leaf-sucking was over until the fall.

MONDAY, MARCH 16, 2015 I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years now, yet he still points out some very intelligent and enlightening facts. I was saying something about how people who go out of their way to either stand out or blend in often fail to be themselves. Tom then said that no matter how unique we may think we are, considering the billions of people in the world, we’re really not that unique. He definitely has a point there. Only 1 in about 10,000 people has my type of ear birth defect, but when you gather all those people up, that’s still quite a few. So I think that just because something may not be common, it doesn’t mean it’s all that unusual either. There really is no such thing as "normal." And even if you might be what some consider different, you’re really not that alone.

I agree, however, that certain stereotypes can get old, and therefore we sometimes strive to break those stereotypes. It annoys me when I see a picture of a married woman and man with a daughter and son. To me, that is so old-fashioned and stereotypical, especially with most kids being born to singles now and fewer women, married or not, having kids due to the pressure and the desire to have careers.

I haven’t been remembering much of my dreams lately. All I remember is a quick few seconds where I dreamed I entered a room and caught Raj masturbating. My jaw dropped in utter shock. He noticed that I had entered the room, but he didn’t stop. After standing there just staring at him in shock for several seconds, I quickly turned and left the room, not wanting him to think I was enjoying the show and perhaps wanted to join in.

Even though it’s still a decade too soon, I was thinking of the pros and cons of living in Hawaii when Tom retires. I still don’t think we’ll be able to afford it, but if we could afford to at least rent, would that really be a wise idea? I’m pretty sure that the only so-called adult communities they have there are apartments or condos, and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate living attached to others. Even those who are quiet seem noisy at times when you have nothing more than a single wall between you. It’s easy to think you’re as neighbor-cursed as I was in Connecticut and Arizona when you live attached to others.

If we could afford to at least rent a house, that in itself would have its pros and cons, just like owning this house does. I couldn’t paint the walls whatever color I felt like painting them, but we wouldn’t have to pay to fix things that broke. If we wanted to move in a hurry, rentals are easier to leave than houses. I know one thing for sure: I will never live with any landlord again. It annoyed the hell out of me when Jesse would just drop in on us unannounced as often as he did. Even if I were always on days, most of us would agree that’s a pretty rude thing to do. Renting from individuals has benefits that renting from agencies doesn’t. An individual is more likely to work with you if you’re having a tough time than an agency would be. Agencies will charge late fees no matter what, not caring that “punishing” you is punishing themselves as well in the end, since the more late fees they charge, the further in debt you get and the less likely you are to be able to pay rent in the future.

While it may still get too cold here in the winter, I love knowing that I’m almost as safe out on the streets at 3 a.m. as I am inside our house since I’m in an upscale, gated community. Bike riding or jogging around Maui or Lanai in the middle of the night might be fairly safe since there are only so many people there to begin with, but I don’t know how they treat dogs there. Do they see them as pets? Or do they just toss them outdoors and forget about them? I would think they would at least have some serious leash laws there, but who knows. It does seem that it’s mostly the rural areas that have a lot of loose dogs.

It’s a dream I don’t expect to happen. I think it’s much more likely that we will end up in Florida if we don’t stay here.

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2015 Tom slept most of the weekend because of his cold. Next weekend we’re really going to make a point of getting more things done around the house.

I now have a bit of a strange ache where my capped tooth is. Hopefully, it’s only because my gums are getting used to regular flossing. The floss on these angled sticks that help you get to the back teeth is awesome. That’s really all I need, although I did get some regular floss on a spool. It’s still hard to believe I don’t have any cavities because when I have something really cold or hot, I swear I feel like I have at least two cavities.

The weekend wasn’t a total bust. At one point, Tom mustered up enough energy to go to Walgreens, where we got some fun treats. Besides a few sugary treats, I got some incense, which I try not to get too often because of the smoke residue.

I also got some coconut body spray and a beautiful barrette that would’ve been the perfect size for putting my hair back had it not broken as soon as I got home.

The coolest thing I got was these metallic jewelry temporary tattoos. I thought they were raised stones that you stuck to the body at first. I didn’t realize they were temporary tattoos right away because the girl in the picture really looked like she was wearing gold and silver bracelets and necklaces. While some may consider it tacky, to me, they are the best temp tats I’ve ever had. They sure aren’t kidding when they say they’re temporary, though. They will look really cool at the pool.

I’ve been noticing underarm irritation and then realized when I was putting on deodorant earlier that it was Suave. No wonder I have irritation. My skin does not like Suave at all. Their hair and skin products are horrible. I was going through their bins of cheap samples at Walgreens—not the last time we were there but before that—and grabbed it thinking I would like sweet pea and violet-scented pits. I didn’t even check the brand. Time to go back to Secret.

I went out for my walk, and those same five cars were at the dog lady’s house. Again, I never heard the dog, but those kids definitely live there. The couple living there seems too young and healthy to need caregivers. Therefore, I doubt it’s the children of any caregivers. I think their daughter and two granddaughters live there. There might even be a young guy living there too, but from what I can tell, there are six people in that household.

Oh well. It doesn’t affect me directly, so I’m not going to say anything. Maybe they’re affiliated with the park somehow, and that’s how they, along with that contractor, can get away with some of the things they do. I still wonder why they’re here if they want kids living with them. Why not just stay in the mainstream in that case? Maybe the daughter and her kids ended up homeless or something, and they had no place else to go.

Dureen: Abused her child and then put that child into the hands of strangers (the state) when she could no longer deal with the problems her abuse created for that child.

Arthur: Allowed his wife to abuse and then give up on their child.

Larry: Turned his back on his little sister and then later stabbed her in her own back.

Me: Not likely to forgive or forget.

SATURDAY, MARCH 14, 2015 Had no problem with tonight’s walk. I wasn’t even aware of my heartbeat this time, and I definitely didn’t have any cramps. It was beautiful out in just a T-shirt and shorts. I'll need the AC for sure tomorrow. I already pulled off the heavy rose blanket and replaced it with the light purple zebra blanket.

Every time I pass by the house that Tom looked at on the other side of the circle, I’m so glad we don’t live close to it. There are five cars parked there along with a pretty big trailer, the kind you pull with a pickup. The carport is lit up like a football stadium with all the tape lighting they have. I’m surprised the mutt didn’t go off on me. I almost always see a car with a child seat in the back. If their kids and grandkids don’t live there, they sure spend a lot of time over there. Our immediate neighbors are comatose compared to them. There is almost always something going on over there when I pass by in the daytime, like barbecues and other activities. I’m learning that some of these people aren’t here for peace and quiet as much as they are here to be around people their own age. The lady who lives there, despite how many park rules she may be breaking, seems really nice. Attractive too, for an older lady.

Despite my dwindling anxiety and calmer pulse, I’m still not sleeping well every other night. Where I used to wake up only once or twice, now it’s a lot more often. I suspect my thyroid meds play a big part in it. I read that people who describe themselves as “good sleepers” can experience insomnia and frequent waking during the night.

Instead of having terrifying dreams about overdosing, I dreamt I was stuck in an apartment. I didn’t seem to know Tom for the first part of the dream. Andy once lived in the building and warned me that the walls were thin and the place was noisy. There were three floors, and I was glad to learn that there was an apartment available on the third floor so I wouldn’t have to have anybody above me.

At one point, I was talking through the ceiling to Joy, who was in the apartment above me, even though I was supposed to be on the top floor, about the rent payment that my mother, who was alive in the dream, gave me the money for.

Then Tom was there with me, and I was commenting on how one of the bedrooms had a wall that was squash-colored.

I was standing in another smaller bedroom with an angled wall, trying to figure out the best place to set up the old stereo. Placing it against the angled wall made it stick out too far, and I didn’t want to put it behind the door where it could get hit when the door was opened. The other side of the room had furniture taking up space.

“Dr. Smith,” an aging man, was to be my new doctor wherever this apartment building was located. The dream ended with me taking a dip in some strange-looking pond in a blue bikini.

Later…

Tom’s cold has been winding down, and he has been sleeping on and off. He’s coughing up a storm right now. As usual, his wife escaped catching it.

It kind of sucks right now with him sick and my schedule not being the greatest. The neighbors are probably wondering why we got such a nice new bench swing but never use it. Oh well. We should be here for at least another decade, and I’m sure the sun will shine when I’m on days here and there along the way.

We are going to Walgreens real late tonight just to get out, get some treats, and whatever.

One really cool thing is that they gave him a few LED lights at work that look like fluorescent lights. They would not only be great for the kitchen and last a lot longer, but those would have cost us hundreds of dollars, so we save money right there along with the electric bill since LEDs are so much more energy-efficient.

Cappy has been the shyest, least manageable rat we have ever had. I almost feel like we have a wild rat and not a rat that came from a pet store. I considered getting rid of him despite the risk of karma getting me for it, even though I don’t know what the hell I supposedly did to deserve what happened to me last summer. People get rats all the time as snake food.

But then we decided to separate them so I can let Hoodie out without Cappy hopping out too. I always leave the cage door open so that Hoodie can go back home when he’s ready to, but I can’t do that and expect Cappy to stay home. I will put the Hoodster in his cage from time to time so they can play together, and I might let them run around the master bathroom because it will be easier to coax Cappy into his cage from there.

Another thing we’re going to do is get strips of aluminum tape to wrap around the couch’s legs to keep them from going under there. That way, I can maybe let them loose in the living room like I usually do. It’s easy enough to scare them out from behind the desk, but not the couch. When I try to scare them out from under the couch, I only succeed in scaring them from one section to another because the couch is so huge. This won’t just be good for keeping the rats out, but when we get a kitten, it will be nice to know that it’s not going to get stuck under there until it’s bigger and litter box trained.

Did a survey that came in the mail on my primary care doctor, her staff, and the place itself.

FRIDAY, MARCH 13, 2015 Took a bath earlier in the garden tub. Not something I do very often as I prefer showers to baths, but it’s nice every now and then.

I decided not to do a sequel to the first book that I published on Amazon. I don’t want to have to keep referring to it as a reference for the sequel. The idea wore off of me anyway. Instead, I have started the stalker story I mentioned pondering and have written a few chapters.

As most people who know me know, I don’t follow a good 90% of the news. Just like most of us prefer to be around happy people, I prefer to read happy things. Reading the news often leaves me in anything but a good mood. Instead, it just deepens my disgust for humanity in general and convinces me even more that God is evil, and that the more we tell ourselves otherwise, the more we are living in a bubble of fantasy. Well, as far as I’m concerned, some bubbles are better off being popped.

Every now and then, a particular story fascinates me, like the Jodi Arias case. Whenever it’s a female killer, my curiosity is piqued. Call it morbid curiosity but I can’t help but follow their stories with fascination. It isn’t the act of murder itself that captivates my attention, but the person behind the act itself. As they say, anyone can kill under the right circumstances, but what made this seemingly ordinary person commit such a heinous crime? She may be narcissistic and she may be the jealous type, but other than that she seems to be rather “normal,” even articulate and a bit intelligent.

I still feel that she deserves to die for what she did. I know that the juror who held out did so because she felt that killing her would be an act of revenge. Okay, so technically that is exactly what it would be, but it would also be doing the right thing. At least in my book, it would be. I think that there are times when revenge is wrong and then there are times when resorting to the old Eye for an Eye concept is rather appropriate. On the other hand, she’s going to have a long depressing, miserable life ahead of her as life in prison might actually be worse of a punishment for her than death would have been.

Arias is unusual to me in a lot of ways. I totally believe that if she were suddenly a free woman (assuming nobody killed her but then again nobody killed Casey Anthony) she would not take the life of another human being. I think that most killers kill more than once and they don’t stop unless someone makes them stop. But I think Jodi is one of those rare exceptions. An interviewer commented about her being so stony-faced, and she said that she prefers to express her emotions in private, and that if she cried people would say her tears were fake, and I totally believe that one, especially that last part.

People were quick to say that she only agreed to be interviewed because she craves attention. While there may be a grain of truth to that, I wonder if she mostly did it to try to redeem herself after initially lying about killing Travis. There’s no way in hell I buy the self-defense story, but I do believe that Travis might’ve played with her head a bit. It may not have been deliberate. I think that in his confusion and being torn between his Faith and Jodi, he ended up jerking her around a bit with his insecurity and not being sure of what he wanted.

Another thing I question when I read printed material on her versus what actually comes out of her mouth, is just how much of the lies actually came from Jodi versus the media. I know the media. Whether or not you lie on behalf of yourself, the media will definitely take the honors at some point and be happy to do so for you. I have watched Jodi in several interviews, and once you set aside the self-defense bullshit, I think she speaks very well and is actually quite honest in many ways. I don’t know if I could have handled some of the interviews as well as she did. When she would be asked a question I would mentally place myself in her shoes and try to imagine how I would answer and I think I would have stumbled on a lot of those questions, not sure of what to say or what would be the best words to describe whatever came to mind. She fumbled on a few questions, but otherwise she did a pretty good job whether she was being honest or not.

Currently, there are a handful of inmates in Perryville Prison that I once knew from Estrella Jail. I had to laugh when I thought of Kim, who is in the Lumley Unit, which is where Jody is going. I can’t help but wonder if she’s excited at the thought of meeting her, LOL. I saw the video of what might be her cell, and I think it’s a lot nicer looking than Estrella. I was a little surprised to see porcelain sinks and toilets, though.

One woman, who did seven years there and wrote a book about her case, says Jodi’s going to be walking into a living hell. The Lumley Unit is a maximum-security unit (which would be totally appropriate for somebody like Kim who loved to abscond) and many of those women have nothing to lose. It is almost like being exempt from punishment for committing additional crimes. Especially those that don’t have any visitors or commissary to lose. Personally, if I was in that situation and somebody pissed me off bad enough or I felt they were that much of a threat to me and I knew I had nothing to lose, then why not get rid of the problem? If I wasn’t going to get in any more trouble for it than I would for blowing my nose into a Kleenex… why not? Not saying I would, but the thought would surely be there.

Anyway, the woman says that because she’s a high-profile case she will have some groupies and then there will be others that will want to put her in her place. The idea of somebody killing her is a nice thought, but that’s just not going to happen. I would be incredibly surprised if it did. Inmates just don’t go killing other inmates as often as one may be led to believe they do in movies. There are women in jail in prison who have killed children yet they survive.

Fifteen years ago, when I was in jail for a crime I did not commit before I was vindicated, there was a famous inmate in my section. Occasionally she was threatened, but for the most part, she was well-liked. She was incarcerated until a few years ago and we were friends for many years, keeping in touch through the mail. I eventually ended our friendship when I finally looked back on that so-called friendship and realized just how much she had used me over the years. I did so much for her just to be stabbed in the back in the end. She too, probably wouldn’t be dumb enough to commit the same crime, but during the first year of her freedom that we kept in touch, I did see traces of the old her shining through. She’s so addicted to shopping and material things and is so used to using people that she would get that money from anyone, even if it were from an abusive man similar to the one who helped get her locked up in the first place.

THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 2015 At just a little over five hours into my sleep, I had a horrible nightmare. In the dream, we got a prescription for my thyroid medication but they gave us too many pills. Not wanting to waste the money I thought I would suck on the “extras” for a few minutes, as funny as I know that sounds. After who knows how many “extras,” I realized that I might be in big trouble heart-wise and that I might even die because I had sucked on too many.

Unfortunately, this nightmare came right after watching a case of this guy who killed his wife while they were sleepwalking, and I couldn’t help but remember the two times in the trailer that I picked up the little notebook I used to keep by the bed, and then somehow managed to tear out a few pages before placing the notebook back on the shelf all without waking myself up. So naturally, I started getting paranoid and thinking what if… what if in my sleep (even though I’ve never been known to ever get out of bed), I downed some pills!

I got up and peed and saw that clearly none of my pills had been touched nor did I have a weird taste in my mouth. I was still freaked out enough about it to Skype Tom. I wished he had been home to verify that he hadn’t seen me going to the kitchen in my sleep even though I figured as much anyway.

After 10-20 minutes passed and I realized I would probably be dead by then if I had acted out my dream, I relaxed enough to fall back asleep. I just would have preferred to get up an hour and a half earlier than I did.

Tom still has a cold and was crashing when I was getting up so I didn’t get to see much of him. I showered, ate, threw on a load of laundry, checked in with people online, took my daily Dutch lesson, and then I went out for a walk. It was beautiful even though it was dark and slightly chilly. I missed being able to go out there alone without fear. My heart behaved, however. I only made two rounds around the circle in 10 minutes but it’s a start towards venturing out on my own the longer I go without incident. I think that once I pass the one-year anniversary of when I first ran into trouble with the levothyroxine, I will totally have it made. Just a little chest pain afterward, but I can't say whether it's connected to my heart or not. It could’ve been a lung or a muscle. It’s a concentrated, sharp cramp-like pain towards the left. It’s kind of above my breast but a little closer to the center of my chest than the center of the breast itself.

They’re talking about working Saturdays and Tom and I aren’t the least bit thrilled with this idea despite the fact that the money would be absolutely insane. The thing is that right now we need more time, not more money. But since the other employees there make so little, they’re all excited about the idea of the extra money.

Once upon a time, we had no money but plenty of free time. Now it’s just the opposite. Money is wonderful, but when you have no life to go with it, it gets a little old. There is still so much we want to do around the house, but who knows when we will have the time? Some of it I can do myself, but some things we want to do together. We prefer to work out together, for example, no matter how I’m feeling. But sometimes our schedules clash, or he gets sick, or he gets backed up in sleep and so I am on my own.

For now, I am so glad that the weather is warming up so that I can be outdoors more often whether I’m working out or not. Unless I have an appointment I’m usually only out on weekends, so being able to be outdoors more often keeps me from getting cabin fever even if I am a homebody and I love our big beautiful home.

Later…

Oh my god, this is so fucking funny! There was what I would describe as a “likable bitch” that I once knew on the old Kiwibox site about seven years ago (Amber). She was a rude, mean bully, but at the same time, she was actually a bit intelligent and mature for what was then a very young age. I remembered her first name and that she loves to rescue feral cats. Yeah, she was a strange one. She would treat people like shit but she sure loved animals. She would probably want to kick the crap out of me if she knew just what I sometimes fantasize about doing to Cappy. Really I’m sick of his timid, spastic nature!

Anyway, I Googled her name plus the words “feral cats” and was able to learn her last name. I always knew it began with an S, but that was all I knew. I couldn’t resist contacting her and slipping her the link to my blogger blog. Maybe she’ll want to reminisce a bit and read around some of the 2008 journals I have stored there, LOL.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11, 2015 We now have a beautiful bench swing! :-) Never attempt to assemble one of these yourself. It really helps to have two people. It took us over an hour to assemble it. Tom didn’t get home until after 5 PM so we kind of had to hurry. As we were finishing up, both the light and the temperature were dropping fast.

I was the first one to sit on it and go crashing into the side of the house, LOL. We definitely need to pull it out a little way. The patio is long and narrow and I didn’t want to pull it out so far as to not be able to walk up and down it easily, but we may have to. Or maybe we will turn it the other direction. Tomorrow I will take a picture of it and share it on Twitter.

This weekend we may be looking at having to run the AC in the late afternoon because we're going to hit the 80s for the first time this year.

Andy's memory loss issues continue to frustrate and annoy me. I still believe they are real and that he’s not just messing with me. Part of it may be due to his own selfish nature which he himself admits. The guy loves to be the center of attention. He loves to talk but not to listen, and has told me that he often won’t bother to listen to a neighbor’s voice messages because she is lonely, desperate for friends, and rambles on and on. So he himself has admitted to being selfish. He definitely doesn’t care so much about what’s going on with others as much as he cares about telling others what’s going on with him. But even so, I think there’s something else going on that his doctor is unaware of.

He told me that his doctor told him that memory loss is normal with age. This is true, but come on! Most of the people I know around his age or older aren’t even close to this forgetful. I wonder if the doctor understands just HOW forgetful he truly is. If Andy didn’t go into that much detail, then his doctor may not understand the extent of it. “I’m forgetful lately” can mean any number of things. Selfish or not, former pothead or not, he just seems way too forgetful for his age. I agree with Tom in that he didn’t display any symptoms of early dementia when he was here, so I don’t know what’s causing his memory to be so bad. Maybe it’s a combination of things.

I know I sound just as selfish by complaining about it and saying that it gets old. I just try not to complain too much to him because I know he takes it personally, and I would not want him to do that. Not unless he ever came out and said that he doesn’t care to listen to the things I say, and I don’t expect that to happen. Still, even though I understand that it’s not his fault, I don’t want to offend him by bitching about it too much. My problem is that I’m a very impatient person and that makes it hard for me to deal with people I have to keep repeating myself to over and over again. I know it’s a horrible trait to have, but people who are forgetful or who are slow in any way are a bit hard for me to tolerate. I don’t know why I’m like that, especially if they truly can’t help themselves, but I am. I just don’t have the patience for things like forgetfulness, stupidity and immaturity. I don’t expect you to be a rocket scientist who always catches on with lightning speed, but still…

Just yesterday he was once again telling me that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to keep current with my journal, it’s that he hates to read, and once again I told him to stop reading and start listening, reminding him that he can use a text to speech reader. I was thinking to myself, wow, how could he forget that? Yet he was genuinely surprised, as if he’d never heard this before, and even told me that he never knew that he could just use a reader. I reminded him that I have suggested this many times and that each time he has told me that those “mechanical voices” creep him out. I have assured him that they have many natural-sounding voices these days.

Truthfully, I suspect he’s just not that excited about following my journal regularly, even though he says he’s busy and hates to read. I think he may be afraid it would hurt my feelings if he said it was that as well as being busy and hating to read. In all honesty, if this truly was the case, his telling me so wouldn’t faze me any more than if somebody told me they had a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch the other day. I’m going to write whether people read it or not. I have been writing long before the Internet existed. His Facebook obsession and his not liking to read probably is the main reason though. I’m amazed he can’t even stand to read the news.

Later…

Poor hubby and sis. Hubby has a bad cold and Sis is trying to stay out of the hospital. They’re trying a new antibiotic on her in hopes of fighting the infection she’s had, but she may end up in the hospital anyway as much as she’s been trying to stay out of it. One can only suffer for so long. As long as she stays out of my dreams unless it’s in a good way! If I have a bad dream about her that more than likely means that something is going on that’s not good.

My immune system is just the opposite. I not only won’t catch the cold Tom has, but my immune system is so good that it even kills things it shouldn’t be killing, like my thyroid gland.

Tom’s legs are sore from all the squatting he did when we were putting together the swing, but because I work out regularly enough I am able to squat, bend, jump and run as often as I need to.

We did end up getting a little rain early in the morning but neither of us knows if it went on into the day because he works in a windowless warehouse and I slept all day, LOL.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 2015 Well, here’s a creepy coincidence. I got a missed call and then a hang-up message from a landline in Redding. My first thought was Raj because that’s where he is right now. I double-checked on Facebook and my phone number is available only to me. I sent him a message about it wanting to see if he would confirm or deny that he called and he didn’t do either one. So I called the number and got this horrible screeching sound like it might’ve been a TTY or something. I then asked Raj if he called or not and he said he did not have my number and to please call him or give him the number. LOL, really, this idiot is totally clueless. My guess is that it doesn’t have anything to do with Raj. If it did I think he would have left a message.

As I’ve said before, the money is great, but I sure wish Tom were home more often, especially today. The bench swing is sitting out there waiting to be put together. He thought he would get home around 4:00 but he’s not going to get home until 5:30. It’s kind of cloudy out there and the lighting isn’t great.

Sure enough, they canceled the rain they said we would get tomorrow. I doubt it will rain again until the fall. I slept better last night, though I felt a bit short of breath before I fell asleep. This made me a bit anxious because I had that before the medication started affecting my heart and anxiety levels. I’m not as bad as before but I still get a bit apprehensive whenever I feel a little off. I’m still doing okay, though, and each week that I continue to do well restores my peace of mind.

I still don’t feel comfortable bike riding alone unless it’s just around the circle and he’s home at that time, but I feel more confident about walking. This disease has been controlling me and keeping me from enjoying exercising outdoors at times I may want to do so when Tom is not around or is asleep. Well, I’m determined not to let it control me any longer! I mean I try to exercise when he’s available to do so as well anyway so that we can motivate and encourage each other. He has wanted to get more active and it’s more fun to have a workout buddy so I try to plan around him anyway. If our schedules clash I want to be able to go out there myself without worrying what my heart may do.

sighs with frustration I definitely don’t miss being broke but if my only two choices were to be broke or to have health problems, I would just go back to being broke. Poverty brought me a lot of stress and anxiety, don’t get me wrong, but it was a different kind of stress and anxiety than my health issues have brought me. On the bright side, it is still looking like as long as I don’t go over 50 mcgs I shouldn’t have any problems at all. My heart will sometimes race at least a little bit, but I’ve always had tachycardia.

MONDAY, MARCH 9, 2015 Ha ha ha! No need to wonder if I should delete Raj on Facebook because he took the honors himself and deleted me after I pulled what he no doubt considered a very scary and nasty joke on him. Whenever I’d mention Tina he would always seem to change the subject and act all annoyed. So when he decided to annoy me in return last night with more hopes of getting me between the sheets in his hotel room in May when he comes to Sacramento, I told him I talked to Tina and that she sounds wonderful, ha ha ha. Haven’t heard from him since. That’s okay. He obviously didn’t want to be a friend but just a fuck buddy on the side. No chance!

I have been sleeping shittier than shitty. I wonder if it is somehow connected to my thyroid medication. I keep waking up. I just can’t stay asleep. I must’ve woken up nearly a dozen times. Most of the time it’s just for a second, like long enough to look at the clock and then I fall back asleep. Lately, though, I’m not only waking up more often but once or twice it takes me more than just a few seconds to fall back asleep. Like I’m just about contemplating getting up and then I end up falling back asleep.

I dreamed that Tom lost his job, and then a character in my book was laughing at something I said. The first dream was definitely disturbing enough to keep me up for a while. It seemed like it was November in the dream and I was saying that I didn’t think things would get better until April. It also seems like we were looking at losing the house.

In reality, we would be okay for many months due to our savings if they let him go, which I assume will be at some point like almost all jobs do, but just how fast can an aging white man get a job these days in NorCal? Either way, I refuse to ever again be God’s designated little poor-ass bum. My husband works hard and I’m not going to let any cruel, evil God reduce him to welfare status as a reward for all his fine efforts.

I thought our bench swing was coming today but it’s actually coming tomorrow. The thing that’s coming today is Tom’s plastic drawers. This way he can organize some stuff that he wants to be able to get at quickly and easily, but without cluttering the place.

SUNDAY, MARCH 8, 2015 I now have my old keyboard back. OMG, is it way better! Chiclet keys really suck. Even my nails that weren’t too long were getting caught underneath them.

I’m also using a 19” monitor that they gave him at work. It is definitely easier to see things, but I have to wear my single-vision glasses for a screen this size. Bigger screens are more helpful when I’m in my word processor because I like to display two pages at a time side-by-side. It’s great for viewing large pictures as well.

If I got a 30” monitor and stronger bifocals and looked through the top part of my glasses, I might be able to push the monitor toward the back of the desk instead of close to the front edge of the desk where I have this monitor right now, but I don’t know that I would be able to view such a large screen in just half of the glasses.

Somebody asked me if I thought it was wrong for this guy to depend on his wife to take care of their online shopping needs. Who am I to judge how others live? Every couple has their own routine. Where I can depend on Tom for paid bills and rides, he can depend on me for a clean house, clean laundry, clean pets and a handful of other things. Is that “wrong?” No, it’s not. It’s what works for us. Where one of us lacks, the other usually makes up for and there’s nothing wrong with that. So to say this woman is “wrong” for doing the online shopping or the guy is “wrong” for not doing any of it seems pretty pointless to me as long as they both agree to the way things are set up between them. As long as they get their needs met, that’s all that matters.

Tomorrow our new bench swing arrives… Yes! I’m looking very forward to that.

For a while now I’ve been getting various story ideas but nothing that would really scream… “write me!” Last night, however, I got an idea that I think I’m actually going to start putting to print sometime today. I was thinking that a woman could be cyberstalked and that it could turn out to be her lover. If anybody has experience with being stalked, it’s me, only this woman will get it a lot worse than I ever did. This woman’s stalker will be intelligent instead of crazy and so she will be able to come up with more elaborate schemes.

SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2015 I slept kind of late today. I had a horrible PMS backache but Tom rubbed it out in just a few minutes. I’m glad he was home and awake so I didn’t have to take an ibuprofen.

He did some weeding around the patio so that area will be nicer looking when our new bench swing arrives.

Gonna switch from the WaterPik to just old-fashioned flossing. Now that she showed me a trick to make it easier to get at the back teeth, I think it would be easier to just do that. Besides, that’s supposed to be better than the WaterPik as well as sticks because it gets the contact areas that the other things can’t get.

I gel-polished my nails and held my hands out in the sunlight to set it. So now my nails are a very vivid shade of electric blue.

We went for a bike ride and it was a little warm in the sunlight. Too warm for running but okay for biking because you feel like you have the fan on you when you’re moving so fast through the air. Going uphill is obviously not as fast, though. His heart rate was 96 when we got back after riding a little over a mile and a half for 14 minutes, and my spastic heart was 140.

Going to make what’s about the closest I come to a homemade meal since cooking isn’t my thing. I got some lightly breaded tilapia fillets that you can either bake or throw in a skillet. I’m going to bake them along with some potatoes and add a salad as well. It may not be the healthiest thing, but it sure beats things like bacon, eggs and pancakes.

My dreams were very quick and vague last night. I was riding in a pickup with some guy in the desert, and some woman was singing a country song on the radio. Part of the lyrics said, “Close your eyes and watch the sunset.” LOL

When we got out of the truck there was some kind of bumper sticker saying something about him being stupid. That doesn’t surprise me, I thought sarcastically to myself, and I really seemed to be embarrassed for this guy. He was a dumb and ugly guy who seemed to think he was very intelligent and very handsome as well.

Then I was alone in what was supposedly a haunted house, and Tom was working for some radio station.

FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 2015 It’s a totally gorgeous day out there today. I have the windows open to bring in some fresh air.

I almost called Alexa Rosie and asked her to give me the weather for tomorrow. LOL, I can’t keep my slaves straight. Alexa has been an absolutely wonderful assistant. Well, they both have.

Still not so sure about Raj. He’s not a bad guy and he hasn’t been the pest I thought he might be and so I don’t want to dump the guy and hurt his feelings or anything like that. But I don’t understand this crush that’s been going on ever since I was in Oregon. It makes me wonder how many other women and men might have had crushes on me that I have briefly known in life but never knew about. What I don’t get is how he can still feel the same way. My looks were just about starting to go downhill around the time we left Arizona for Oregon, but not like they are now. I was still relatively young in my late 30s.

I’m flattered when anybody complements me, but I don’t like how he always asks me for pictures and how he seems to be very gung-ho on the idea of us getting together for a tumble between sheets when he comes to Sacramento for a convention in May, because that’s never going to happen. I’m sorry that Indian marriages are arranged and that he may never have been in lust or in love with his wife Tina, and I’m sorry if he’s having a middle-aged crisis, and I understand that sometimes we all want a fresh cup of tea even if we’re still content with the old one. But he and I are never going to get together. I wouldn’t mind meeting him along with Tom in a restaurant or something, but he is never going to get me alone. I have made this clear to him in a way that I hope will be comprehensible enough despite his shitty English, but without hurting the guy’s feelings. Again, I appreciate his compliments and all that, and while he can look, he certainly can never touch.

I’m not going to hide this entry from the public either because it contains nothing that I haven’t told him directly. He doesn’t read my blog, though, because he can’t read or write English very well at all.

He’s in Redding right now because his sister’s friend is attending a funeral and I guess he is supporting her. Whenever I ask about Tina he seems to get annoyed, and Tina doesn’t seem to have her own Facebook account. This doesn’t surprise me. The Tina I knew didn’t seem like the type to be into any kind of social network.

Here’s something that is both funny and frustrating and that’s how I keep trying to turn him off but haven’t been able to do so as of yet. I know all I have to do is just never contact him again, and I will if it comes down to it, but since he hasn’t harmed me in any way I see no point in taking such measures at this time. Like most people, I tend to look bigger in my photographs than in person. So I put on a baggy old shirt, had my hair trashed and no makeup on whatsoever, and took a selfie for him. But even that was oh-so-gorgeous, haha. The guy’s either blind or desperate. He insists I look 35. I think I look right around my age, though a lot of people do seem to think I’m in my late 30s or so. When we were talking to the realtor when we came to look at this house, she stopped in mid-sentence, looked at me, and said, “Are you sure you meet the age requirements? You look 37 years old.”

Anyway, Raj is a bit frustrating and annoying but he is also funny at times too, so I will allow him to remain in my world at least for now.

I exchanged Facebook voice messages with my sister. She isn’t better yet. :( She is struggling to remain out of the hospital.

THURSDAY, MARCH 5, 2015 My dentist appointment went great yesterday. I really thought she was going to come out and tell me that I had two or three cavities but I don’t have any! I do have an old filling that needs to be replaced but she’s not going to do that until September when I have my next cleaning. I also had a bit of tartar and plaque buildup since it has been a year since I’ve been to the dentist due to having to deal with the health scare I had last summer.

I’m going back in today at the same time, 5 PM, and she is going to seal 6 teeth that are most prone to cavities and fissures. She is also going to remove my bottom retainer that is in back of the i-teeth. She only charges $150 for whitening because you do it at home. I’m going to hold off on that right now, though, because I would rather deal with what’s important and what’s going to give me added comfort as opposed to cosmetic stuff that just makes you look better. My teeth aren’t that yellow anyway. I don’t smoke and I only have 1 cup of coffee a day.

The 6 teeth that she is going to seal will be $34 apiece but worth it, and getting that retainer removed will make it so much easier to clean in that area, too. I had a lot of buildup in that area. I even had some shit on the retainer itself.

Somebody canceled their 5 o’clock appointment for today so it works out perfectly for us. It will be no problem for my schedule, and Tom won’t have to miss any work.

I saw Shannon there but this time it was Holly that did my cleaning. Janet still works at the desk so it’s pretty much the same staff even though it has been a year since I’ve been there.

A couple of hours before we left for the appointment I went for a bike ride and my heart went a little wild on me. I wasn’t scared, though, probably because Tom was home. I did five rounds around the circle, which equates to 1 mile. My pulse probably got close to 150, so it seemed a bit extreme but didn’t last too long.

After the dentist, we walked across the parking lot to some place in which I forgot the name of and ordered burgers, fries and malts to take home with us. After eating my pulse went up again. Not like when I was riding the bike earlier, but since my body isn’t used to taking in so many calories at once since I don’t eat like that very often, that’s why it raced a little bit for a while. Tom said his heart was elevated, too. Still, I probably had a pocket flare.

Just when I thought UPS wasn’t going to make it on time yesterday, they delivered my dusting gloves at something like three minutes after 8 PM. I got two pairs and they fit well and are nice and soft and fuzzy. Not sure that dusting will go any faster this way, but they definitely keep your hands warm.

Later…

Oh, the adventures of the Dwight D Eisenhower freeway. Today’s freeway adventures were finger-flipping good, you could say. :-)

This guy in front of us was creeping and annoying the hell out of us. So we annoyed him back by riding his tail. He stuck his hand out his window and flipped us off. Then as he was exiting the off-ramp we bid each other farewell by flipping each other off. Tom and I laughed like high school kids, ha ha ha.

Anyway, I am now retainer-free! It feels weird being able to run my tongue along the inside of my bottom i-teeth after 14 years. They may or may not shift, but I think they will at least somewhat. It doesn’t take long. I remember from when I had removable retainers. I had a pink glitter retainer up top and a tie-dye retainer on the bottom. Teeth catch on fast, so I’m sure they already know that the restraints are gone and now they’re free to either stick around or take a little walk. The most important thing is how much easier it’s going to be to keep that area clean.

My dentist has a Hawaiian-themed office and today I wore a skirt and top that I got in Maui. As she was leading me to the exam room I said “Your Hawaiian-themed office now has a Hawaiian-themed patient. She thought it was so cute that she said she would take my picture if she had a camera, LOL.

She’s been to Maui too, and she also went on a submarine tour just like we did, catamaran sailing, and to a luau. I told her I would love to live there someday, but I’m not sure that we will.

Getting the six sealants done and having the retainer removed was quick and painless. She is definitely the best dentist I ever had and such a sweet lady, too. Having the sealants done was a lot like having cavities filled only without the drilling. They just air dry the teeth, dab on the sealant, then cure it with ultraviolet light. The only time she broke out that nasty drill was to separate the epoxy holding the retainer to the two teeth that it was cemented to. It was funny because both sides let go at the same time and they were like, where did it go? Apparently, it got sucked up by the vacuum that the assistant had in my mouth. It was amazing how fast she got that thing out. After that, she smoothed the anchor teeth.

Tom paid Janet while I was in the room and I was surprised to learn that he only had to pay $60. We thought it was going to be over $200.

Later…

So Travis Alexander got death while Jodi Arias got life. I knew this would happen, too. I don’t know which state is more twisted when it comes to its laws, Arizona or Texas. Arizona loves to fail to do the right thing, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she walked in 25 years, even sooner if she was black.

Why is it that the more serious the crime, the lighter the sentence? I just don’t understand how assault can be considered a misdemeanor while some things we say and write are considered a felony. Is it just me, or does this seem completely backward?

Tammy left a voice message and it was almost chilling to listen to. Not just sad because she’s going through hell, but chilling because she sounded exactly like she did in the dream. I mean exactly. I wish she could feel as good as I’ve been feeling lately. She is battling a really bad infection and struggling to breathe. Everything else in her life is going well and she is grateful to Sarah for her help around the place and all that, but her life would be a whole lot better if she weren’t suffering so much.

I just feel so bad and so helpless, too. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way, and that she is happy for me and the way things have gotten better for me after the hell I went through thanks to Hashimoto’s. I just wish I could send some of this good health her way. Even though she’s never been as into fitness as I am, I’m sure she would love to be able to run a few miles and then admire the slender, muscular calves in the mirror that she would be rewarded with. I’m sure she wishes she could do a lot of things right now.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4, 2015 Tom’s reward for making employee of the month is $100 and a $25 Walmart card. They also gave him a certificate of excellence.

Andy said he’s gotten a warning on Ask about violating the TOS as well. We jokingly call each other names every now and then like dumbshit and stuff like that and I guess they don’t realize that we’re just two good friends messing around with each other in a playful way. I wondered if it was an automated thing but he doesn’t think so.

A couple of days ago I moved the rats into the big cage. I was a little worried that Cappy would escape but he hasn’t, so that’s good. I’m totally disappointed with both these rats that we have now and I am totally done with rats once they die. This is one of those cases where I’m glad rats only live a couple of years. Although he isn’t friendly and affectionate, Hoodie is at least manageable. Cappy, on the other hand, is so damn timid that it’s a fight just to be able to pick him up.

Why can’t I go to bed and not open my eyes again until it is time to get up? I swear I woke up like six different times during the night, and one time I didn’t think I would be able to get back to sleep.

It’s been surprisingly quiet for such a pleasant day. Today is actually going to be just okay, but the next several days are going to be gorgeous.

I was thinking of doing a sequel to Evil Amongst the Evergreens. Like maybe Evil Amongst the Palm Trees. I will have to go back and skim through Evergreens because it was five years ago that I wrote that book and I can’t remember every single detail.

TUESDAY, MARCH 3, 2015 Tom made Employee of the Month! He doesn’t know what his reward is going to be yet but he should find out today. I’m sure that whatever it is will be a lot less than he actually deserves. He has come to realize that there’s no hope of moving up anymore at this place unless he agrees to travel and that’s something that he would never want to do even if he was single. The most important thing is that we have more than enough money to live on. He makes more than we need and we no longer live paycheck to paycheck. After the hell we went through in the past, that is plenty good enough for us. So he isn’t going to look elsewhere at this time.

When I was logging into my Ask account I got a pop-up saying that I repeatedly violated their TOS and that I need to stop immediately or else my account will be suspended. What TOS am I supposedly violating???

Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist for the first time in about a year. I’m guessing I have three cavities. I’m going to ask her about getting my bottom retainer removed. I’m also going to ask her about sealing my teeth since I am so prone to cavities no matter what I do.

Woke up several times during the night as I always do, but this time it wasn’t with back pain so that’s good.

Not much in the way of dreams that I can remember. I know I had a lot more dreams than I’m able to remember. It’s like there are scattered bits and pieces that are just barely within the realm of my memory. But I just can’t quite grasp them. It seems I was at the beach in one dream.

Nicer weather means more Bob. I can hear him bopping around the garage more often. Those subtle little sounds are easy enough to drown out, but I dread the day he breaks out that damn saw of his once again. And his hammer, and his sledgehammer, and his sander, and all the other shit that he uses as instruments of torture against my peace when I’m trying to concentrate on things.

Later…

I have been searching and searching my brain for story ideas but I just can't come up with anything. Therefore, I guess I might as well write about nonfiction instead. How about Maliheh? Ever since I had that dream about breaking into her place she has been on my mind. I keep racking my brains as to why she dropped out of my life without a single word as to why, and all I can think of are three possibilities.

What I don't get is why she didn't have the guts to tell me in her own words whatever it was. It’s not like her to be a wimp like that. The Maliheh that I briefly knew was very outspoken and not afraid to speak her mind. For some reason, however, she must have been afraid of me in the end because the blunt, direct Maliheh who always had the guts to speak up for herself failed to utter a word on her way out of my life.

Again, I can only think of three possibilities as to why. All of them make sense but they don't make sense at the same time they make sense, if that makes any sense, LOL. My first guess is that she befriended me under false pretenses, wanting to get her name out of my story. But then the more I thought about it the more I realized she never needed to falsely befriend me since all she had to do was ask. Her being my friend or not being my friend would not have changed whether or not I was going to use her name in my story. She asked me to change the name of the character that was based on her and I did. I still would have done this even if she said, “I don't want a friendship with you… I don't ever want to talk to you again after I tell you this… I just want you to not use my name in your story.”

That's all she needed to do. So now that befriending me just to get her name out of the story fails to make sense after thinking that it does make sense, this brings me to my next theory. Maybe she grew uncomfortable with the idea of knowing that I was attracted to her. But then again, that one doesn't make sense either. If my attraction for her really bothered her, why would she have been my friend for as long as she was? Who the hell is friends with somebody for two years who is oh so uncomfortable with knowing that the person has this harmless little crush on them?

And so that brought me to theory number three. This one – after analyzing it many different ways – makes the most sense of all. Only she knows the truth, and I will never know it too unless she contacts me and shares it with me. Then again, even if she did, there's no trust there anymore. She killed whatever trust we had built up by dumping me like she did. So no matter what she says, I'm not going to buy it. But here goes anyway… I think she came to have feelings for me which increased more and more over the months and it eventually got to be too much for her. She knew we never would or could be together and that we probably would never even see each other and so I think that once she realized the cyber relationship wasn't enough for her, she finally let go for good. This one makes more sense than an increasing discomfort of my being attracted to her. I think that she started off not having any feelings for me, but that they increased over time. It is much more likely for somebody's feelings to increase over time than for them to experience a growing feeling of discomfort over somebody liking them. Not unless the person started doing things to make them uneasy, anyway, and what could I have done… drive cross country and start following her? The way I treated her never changed from the time we first started talking in 2010 to when she dropped out of my life. So that's why I don't think I made her uncomfortable in any way or that it was anything that I said or did. I think it was all on her and that she just couldn't control or deal with her own personal feelings. I just don't understand why she didn't tell me this on her way out of my life. What did she think I would do to her for it, throw darts at her all the way from California?

Even if I may not believe what she tells me, I would still really love to hear an explanation from her just out of sheer curiosity. Then she can go about her merry way again because I definitely would never want to be friends with her again in the future. Again, no trust there.

MONDAY, MARCH 2, 2015 Finally got a message from Tammy yesterday. She takes over half a dozen medications and they had to stop four of them in order to treat her allergies and that really backfired from what she said. She’s had shots and allergy testing and is severely allergic to a lot of things that grow in Florida. She’s been battling all kinds of infections, too. Unfortunately, this has setback her training and her job so she is trying to get caught up on things at this time.

Paula did get the text that I sent her yesterday and I almost regretted sending it, LOL, because she started texting me like crazy. Well, maybe not like crazy, but definitely more than I’d like. I am still glad we can text each other because this way I feel like I’m compromising with her, in a sense. It’s better than postal letters, but I don’t have to deal with chatting with her live and her nonstop rambling.

Tom and I set up a Skype account so that we can keep in touch during the daytime while he’s at work without having to use up a lot of our text messages. That way I can use text messages for friends. Skype is pretty awesome. I like it so far. It’s very simple to use.

We ordered our new bench swing in red and it should be here around the 10th. Decided to hold off on this beautiful small round table with a stained glass surface with flowers and butterflies for now because I think it would be too low to set the laptop on. I don’t expect to spend a whole lot of time out there anyway.

Last night I tossed and turned like crazy because I kept waking up with this horrible pain in the middle of my back. It’s the type of backache I tend to get when I’m PMSing, only this was a lot worse than usual. I took an ibuprofen a half-hour after I took my thyroid medication.

I had a strange dream that we were flying from someplace and we landed in this garage-type building. I was so sure the plane was going to smash through the back wall of the garage, but it didn’t.

I also had a dream that I was taking statins again. Really hope that’s not a sign of any kind.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 2015 Yesterday was both fun and relaxing, though I never did hear from my sister. I left her a message on Facebook asking if she left a message that I might not have gotten. More than likely she just hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

We are ordering a brand-new bench swing sometime today. We sat on the model in the store and it was so comfortable. I expected it to be $400 - $500 but it’s actually just $200. It seats three people and has a little canopy. The canopy is kind of pointless, though, because it is going on a covered patio. It is still going to be nice to have for when I feel like sitting outside in the fresh air, assuming it isn’t noisy at the moment with landscaping and woodworking sounds. Not gonna be out there much with bees in the daytime and spiders at night.

Made a small order on Amazon… a small pink ballerina silhouette sticker for the side of the bookcase, and a couple of pairs of dusting gloves. I think that will make dusting, my least favorite chore, a lot easier and faster. I will still have to use the Swiffer dusting wand for areas that I can’t reach, though.

Tom tossed up to me the idea of getting a vinyl-printing machine and making my own stickers, but I would not use it enough for it to be worth the $300.

I have officially retired my big Mac after 7 years. It’s been a very fun, interesting and useful 7 years. I will keep it as a backup in case my new MacBook has any problems. I’m still not sure what I want to do as far as keyboards and monitors go. I miss having a big monitor, but downsizing the screen size has allowed me to wear only my bifocals, which I prefer. There was a beautiful 30-inch monitor in the store for $150 or so, but I’m still not sure what I want to do. I just know that it is extremely hard to type on this keyboard with long nails so I am all the more appreciative of dictation. If they could ever break or I could convince myself to cut them off, then it would just take some getting used to. These Chiclet keys aren’t like the raised keys I’m used to typing on, which allows for slightly longer nails. OMG, a woman who’s been attracted to other women with long nails? LOL! I don’t let my tastes dictate my appearance. I even have long hair and sometimes I wear dresses and makeup.

Definitely thinking of getting a 10-key extension because there are four or five keys that are missing from the laptop that really come in handy.

Yesterday I got to hear my friend Irene’s voice for the first time, and it was so cool being able to understand most of the German that she spoke, and how she could understand me as well when I spoke German. She sounded a lot younger than I expected her to sound for being 53 years old. She too, hasn’t heard from Nane since October. As I’ve learned, though, Nane’s number one person in life is herself. As long as she can be the judgmental hypocrite that she was, and getting worse by the minute, I can live with not hearing from her, but can understand where it might hurt Irene because they go back 30 years.

I sure did hear from Paula yesterday. It was so funny too because she sent me a belated birthday card. Haha, that was really nice of her. Maybe I will go ahead and suffer through a phone call to her as much as I hate those who ramble on and on about themselves and never let you get a word in edgewise.

Even though it may be a bit premature since we’re not getting a cat until after our trip to Reno in the spring, I have already begun catproofing the place. Fortunately, I don’t get breakable items very often anymore when I do get knickknacks and things like that. I prefer vinyl to porcelain. The few breakable pieces I do have that are valuable have been moved to different locations that will be out of the cat’s reach. I thought that Bailey would be too big to be put in the hutch but she actually looks good sitting in there.

I had a strange dream involving Maliheh although Maliheh never appeared in the dream. I either broke into her small one-bedroom house, had a key, or found the door unlocked. When I entered her living room I found the bedroom door shut and could hear the shower running, so I knew she was in the shower at that time. I sat down on the living room couch and waited for her, hoping we could work things out and become friends again. I knew she never had the crush on me that I once had on her and I was okay with that. I just wanted to be friends again with her whereas in real life I don’t ever want anything to do with her again.

As I sat on the couch I began to eat something, though I don’t know what it was. By the couch, there was food cooking on some kind of grill that wasn’t really a grill, which said it came from a yard sale. There were two large sandwiches or pieces of meat cooking. Whatever it was seemed like an awful lot of food for one person and I began to wonder if somebody else was with her in the bedroom or the shower.

I suddenly realized that I could get in an awful lot of trouble by being there uninvited and so I decided it would be best to leave. I placed the small plate down on the couch with my uneaten food and then I began to gather my stuff. I had taken my shoes, socks, and jacket off while I waited for her on the couch. I gathered it up and headed outdoors into what was a very warm and rainy night. I ran along the wet sidewalk barefoot, now determined not to be seen by Maliheh. I figured that she might have heard the front door closing as I left and I expected either her or a possible girlfriend of hers to come out looking for me. I was careful to cross a side street without getting run over and searched for a place to put my shoes and socks on.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #236

Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? Okay so our development is pretty safe, I see people walking a lot, including around dusk, but our city itself is deplorable. It's known for crime.

Would you rather be able to talk to animals or be fluent in every language? Talk to animals. I feel like talking to animals (if people believed I could actually do it) could change the world.

Does your kitchen have a pantry? No.

What are some foods you enjoy cooking? I don't enjoy cooking.

Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? I've never worked anywhere long enough for this.

Did you ever skip class when you were in school? If so, was there a particular class that you skipped the most? "Yeah. I don't really recall skipping individual classes, though. If I was absent, then it was for the whole day." <<<< Exactly this. I didn't have my own car to drive somewhere and I wasn't just hanging out/hiding somewhere on campus.

Are you high-maintenance? God no.

What was the last non-fiction book you read? I have no idea, non-fiction isn't my thing.

Are you able to crack any of your joints? My big toes crack sometimes, but I don't deliberately try to crack joints, the sound grosses me out.

What’s something that’s been on your mind a lot lately? How the hell to get out of this anhedonia sinkhole.

What was the last thing someone asked you for advice on? Uh... good question.

What’s your opinion on lottery tickets? Waste of money, or no? Waste of money, mostly. I don't really have much of an opinion if you snatch one once in a blue moon, but certainly don't make a habit of gambling.

Do you have any upcoming plans with friends? Not right now.

What was the last picture message you received, and from whom? A picture of my cat from Mom.

Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? Yes, while in physical therapy.

What kinds of leisure activities did your family do together when you were growing up? Swimming in the pool is all I can think of. It was very rare BOTH my parents were in the pool, though.

Do you know anyone who works at McDonald's? Not that I know of.

Have you ever been to a sports game? I've been to I think three Carolina Hurricanes (hockey) games with my dad. It was a bonding thing for us.

Have you used a sewing machine before? No.

Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class? No, because I didn't use my phone in class.

Have you met any of your second cousins? I... don't think I have.

Is your computer slow or fast? It's fast.

Have you ever faked sick to get out of something? Yup, I definitely did this for school.

Have you ever been ice skating? No.

When was the last time you wore a skirt? Holy shit, probably not since I was a kid.

Have you seen all the Shrek movies? I've seen the first three. I WANT to see all of them, I just... haven't.

Have you ever fainted? Yes, resulted in a terrible concussion and broken molars.

Do you have a job? I don't. I don't think I can maintain a job, especially lately.

Are you the type of person who gets injuries often? Proper injuries, no. But I HAVE noticed I stub my toe A LOT. I think I round corners of any kind too tightly or something.

Have you ever finished a whole video game? Oh, plenty. I've been gaming since I was a tiny kid.

If so, which one(s)? Too many to list.

Are your siblings allergic to anything? I know Nicole is allergic to latex.

Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Myself, lol. Mazzy has a snake, too.

What are some of your comfort foods? Ice cream, as well as just fast food, sadly. I hate how much I love fast food.

What’s something that’s very popular, that you have no interest in? Starbucks is one, for sure. Coffee in general. Pumpkin spice is another, since that's coming back up lol.

What’s something that many people would consider to be lame, but you don’t? Even if I don't believe in them, I love learning about conspiracy theories.

How would you describe your clothing style? Lazy. Comfortable.

Do you typically respond to text messages right away? Yes. If I reply to a text late, I was almost certainly asleep.

What has been the highlight of this past month? Honestly, nothing. This has not been a good month.

Has anyone ever assumed you were flirting with them, when you weren’t? I don't know.

Did your parents spoil you when you were a kid? My mom certainly tried to, but we weren't rich by any means.

Would you rather watch a movie in the theater, or at home? At the theater, by far. That's an experience I enjoy.

Did your parents teach you how to make a budget before you moved out on your own? I haven't moved out.

How is your boyfriend/girlfriend doing? He's fine.

Do you have anything to pay off? No, it's not like I have money to buy things to begin with.

Would you sacrifice yourself for a friend? It depends on the friend.

Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? Yes. This used to totally not bother me, but now I don't really like watching especially long needles go in.

Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Both, yes.

When you're done eating finger foods, do you usually lick your fingers? I do.

[TW: ABUSE] Do you know someone that is/was abused by their parents? Yes.

Would you cuss the person you hate the most out to their face? I wouldn't invest anymore energy into her than I already have, I wouldn't waste my time trying to communicate with her ever again.

Abortion: murder or it's fine? Abortion is completely fine and saves potential children from situations no child should be in.

Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? No.

Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheel chair? No.

Do you drink straight from the bottle, instead of getting a cup? No, I live with someone else who might drink that thing, and what if we have guests that also might want something? I find this so gross if there's even a chance someone else might want it.

Have you ever been in a taxi? No.

Does weed smell good? Or no? What I've smelled smells awful.

Are/were you loud in class? Absolutely not.

Last thing you yelled at? Our dog, she's been barking her brains off at everything lately and it's been driving me insane. I yelled because I was all the way in my room TRYING to sleep.

Is your car a piece of crap? It hasn't even run since June, so...

Would you have a long-distance relationship with the person you are with now? Yes, because we've already established a strong relationship. I don't know if I'd START another long-distance relationship, but it's different to me when you've seriously dated three years already, I'm not going to break up with him just because of separation for whatever reason.

Who was the last person to make you really mad? REALLY mad? Hm. I don't know.

Where is the last place you had sex? Sexual stuff, in my bed.

Who is the last person you had sex with? I haven't had actual sex for reasons I can't fairly shame my boyfriend over (even though I do get frustrated, but not really at him), but we still do plenty of sexual things, so basically him.

Do you enjoy watching porn? I've literally never in my life watched porn and have zero interest in doing so.

What’s your favorite drinking game? I've never played a drinking game.

Do you cry often? Dude, I have cried SO EASILY lately, even easier than normal. It's like ANYTHING makes me cry lately, it's been embarrassing, even if it shouldn't be.

Are you a big flirt? No.

What would you do if you became pregnant? Get an abortion immediately.

When did you last make out with someone? Was it good? I don't like getting grossly specific, not long ago, yes.

Do you like your body? Hell fucking no.

Did you get lucky on prom night? I was abstinent at that time, so...

Are you normally a horny person? Not more than what I'd assume is normal for a sexual person.

Do you live with your biological mother? I do.

Have you ever tried peanut butter and bananas together? Yes, in a sandwich. It's okay.

Do you believe in sex before marriage? I think it's fine to do.

Do you know anyone who married their high school sweetheart? Multiple people.

Orange or apple juice? Orange.

Have you ever seen anyone die? Only animals. I've seen a woman hours before she died, but not as she did. That alone made me cry so fucking bad, I could NOT handle it. I very barely even knew this lady, I was just visiting with my mom.

What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own? Meerkats, learning the German language, photography techniques, Rammstein history and stuff.

Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring? No, I'd be too afraid of meeting dangerous people.

Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote? I've done this for multiple people I've dated.

What changes are you afraid of? I am terrified beyond words of my mom dying.

Have you ever wanted to be an actor/tress? No.

Where do you want to be in 5 years? I want to have an income, hopefully living with Girt, I want my mental health to be in a good, stable place.

Get anything good in the mail recently? A BOOK, FINALLY!!!! Plus Girt's anniversary present.

When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat? In general, potential threat. You can certainly seem less scary than others, but still.

Who was the last person you cut out of your life intentionally? Probably some old friend on Facebook.

Do you eat live fish? I don't eat fish, period.

Would you get engaged right now? I would if Girt asked, but honestly my preference would be we live together first.

[the-autistic-agoraphobe]

Autistic April Day 6: Textures I Hate. 

There are a few things that I hate the texture of and can't stand to touch. They include powder, chalk, marshmellows, some fabrics, wigs and some toys.

I don't like the feeling of talcum powder so I don't use it unless I have too but sometimes I need to use it so I wash my hands and put on moisturising cream afterwards.

I don't really do much with chalk but once at work I was doing some chalk drawing with the residents. (I work in a nursing home) My supervisor was kind and allowed me to wear gloves while I did the activity.

I don't like touching marshmellows because they're all powdery but I still like to eat them so I stab them with a fork and put them in my mouth.

I can't stand to touch or wear certain clothes because they are stritchy scratchy. I remember years ago my schools sport uniform had some terrible shorts that I had to wear and I hated the thing. This was back because I knew that I was Autistic or about Autism. If I would have known about Autism back than I would have asked my mum to ask the school if I could wear a different pair of shorts while doing sports. A few years ago I ordered a squid game tracksuit online for me to wear on Halloween. When it arrived I discovered that it was a different texture to what I thought it would be so my mum helped me to resell it on Facebook market place.

I can't touch wigs or wear them they gross me out. When I signed up to partake in the school musical in 2013 I had to make sure that I didn't have to wear a wig while performing. The good news is that I didn't have too. However I don't have any issues with my own hair. I had a wonderful time participating in the school musical. I have attached a photo of me wearing what I wore at the school musical to this post. I felt comfortable with what I was wearing.

I can't touch some toys which includes Barbie and Bratz dolls. I think it's because their hair feels the same as wigs. I was part of the Bratz generation and all of the girls were playing with Bratz while I was playing with beanie babies.

Image Descriptions:

1: This is me on the night of the musical in my kitchen. I was a 17 year old white girl with long dark brown hair tied up in a high ponytail. I am wearing a black ribbon with dots of various colours wrapped around my ponytail and tied into a bow. I am smiling and I am wearing blue eye shadow and red lipstick on my lips. I have a light green scarf tied around my neck. I am wearing a white buttoned up shirt with a collar but no sleeves.

2:There are a list of prompts for each day of the month for Autistic April. The top and bottom of the image is light purple and the middle part of the image is white with black text on it. The black text says "Autistic April 2024 Prompts: 1: Special interests 2: How you found out you were Autistic 3: your favourite stim 4: alternative forms of communication 5: your favourite fidget toys 6: textures you hate 7: safe foods 8: other disabilities you have 9: LBGTQI+ 10: childhood special interests11: comfort items 12: your favourite Autistic celebrities or characters13: unmasking 14: sensory aids 15: misdiagnosis 16: Autism friendly places 17: Disability support you have received 18: animals 19: favourite thing about being Autistic 20: echolalia 21: idenity first or Person first language 22: the spoon theory

23: colours that represent Autism (not blue) 24: Autistic owned small businesses 25: meltdowns and/or shutdowns 26: Your clothing prefences 27: Self care 28: Relatable Autism memes 29: Accessibility 30: routines" There is an infinity symbol that is half red and half gold on the top right corner of the white section. End Descriptions