#fixing any mistakes on my part!!
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@dreamieparadise I finally finished my Momina drawing!!! It took me so long because I’m a slow drawer and also my medical condition but… Here she is!!! she was 100% worth working through the pain I love her so much and her design is so so cute!!!
I’m a little sad you can’t see how round and cute her cheeks are because of how I drew the hair but just trust me… it’s very cute… very round 🥹
#her hair was actually so fun to draw#she’s so cute I’ll definitely be drawing her again aahhh!!#I hope everything turned out okay#please let me know if anything needs to be adjusted I am always okay with#fixing any mistakes on my part!!#momina luqman#butterart#dreamieparadise#also I can very slowly see my art improving…#I pray I draw more in 2025 and it only gets better 😭
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against all odds (to wait for you is all i can do) – part ten
alexia putellas x photojournalist!reader
warnings: none (im pretty sure)
(a/n in the tags) [parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve]
word count: 5.8k
The melodic chirping of birds in time with the gentle beat of Alexia’s heart roused you, your back delightfully warm, and for what seemed to be a long time you felt well-rested–felt as if the leaded weight that made its home in your bones finally melted away because, truly, you’d forgotten the lightness of being one felt upon waking from a night’s sleep or, even more so, the lightness one felt when waking in the sheltering arms of a lover. So you sighed, content and at peace, as you breathed Alexia in when you nestled further into the safety of her neck where faint wintergreen and her delicate, earthly scent lived, familiar and evermore comforting.
When you finally drew your eyes open, the world came to focus and revealed, in its center, Alexia already awake, her head propped on her arm with her honey eyes, just like molten gold in the resplendent glow of the morning sun, lidded as she gazed at you with a lazy smile, soft and relaxed but it ignited you with a gentle flame all the same, whose radiance only intensified upon meeting your eyes.
“Good morning.” Alexia greeted you and it struck you just how much you missed the sound of her voice in the morning, low and soft with just the right amount of rasp that never failed to incite the desire to kiss her right then.
“Good morning.” You replied in the same tone, cheeks warming to a gentle simmer in the face of your lover’s tender demeanour. She brushed the back of her fingers on your cheek while a silence filled the space between your eyes, intimate, as you soaked each other in. But when you could no longer sustain the weight from her gaze–when you chest had filled twice over that it felt in danger of bursting from the sheer joy of being looked upon by such earnest affection–you whispered, “you’re staring.”
Alexia tucked your hair behind your ear before she countered in a voice so tender your heart ached.
“And you’re beautiful.”
No words could translate the gravity of what you felt in that moment, so you spoke the only language that could ever come close to conveying it: you cupped her jaw and caught her lips between yours, seared the missed ‘good morning’s’ and the lost ‘hello, how are you’s’ into the kiss, the pace languid but sweet, savouring the way her lips parted in this silent conversation–relishing the way Alexia tasted like summer on your tongue.
Alexia tugged you closer, and closer still but still not close enough, with a gentle pressure from her hand against the small of your back, the other now over the nape of your neck.
But the conversation was cut short, too short, when a small gasp reached your ear, electrifying you in an unpleasant way your eyes flung wide open, darting immediately to the direction of the sound to find Elisa standing at the last step of the stairs, her hair ruffled from sleep, her loose shirt creased and draped slightly to the side, mouth wide open in disbelief as she gawked at the sight of the two of you.
And what a sight the two of you must have been.
In your haste to extricate yourself from Alexia, you ended up flopping down against the tiled floor, the carpet doing little to cushion your fall, but you recovered quickly and now you stood there not quite knowing what to do with your arms or what to even say. Alexia, on the other hand, remained half on her back and half sitting up, her weight against an elbow, the other arm frozen outstretched towards you, a clear attempt to save you from when you fell down. If the situation had been different, you probably would’ve laughed especially at Alexia’s expression: her face contorted in part mortification and part worry, brows upturned, eyes agape, and lips partially opened–if only you weren’t too flustered yourself to do so.
Alexia got her bearing faster than you, though–damn her and her athletic condition–because she, too, now stood from the couch (and did so with a lot more grace than you did). She cleared her throat, fumbled with her hands as it looked like she tried to stick her hands in her jacket pockets before it dawned on her that it remained still on the coffee table, so she resorted in putting them in her jean pockets instead.
“Good morning, Elisa. How are you?” Alexia said in English and her voice wavered at the end, the question infused with a guilty inflection.
With bated breath, you waited for your daughter’s reaction as trepidation filled you, which only worsened when Elisa’s eyes darted at you, then to Alexia, then back to you again. Numerous scenarios fleeted through your mind and out of all the images your mind conjured, what happened next was not one them: you didn’t expect the way with which Elisa’s surprise morphed into smug delight, her once opened mouth now curved into a coy smile, not dissimilar to a cat’s, that only served to accentuate the mischievous gleam in her eyes.
“Are you guys dating?” Each word deliberately drawled out as Elisa posed them, punctuated by a teasing cadence that set your ears and cheeks aflame. The question, thankfully, brought you back to yourself because only you could save you and Alexia from this situation.
“Okay, I think I need to have a conversation with you so up you go, young lady, back to your room for now.” You said as you approached Elisa who you guided towards the stairs with a gentle hand on her back but not before you placed a good morning kiss on the crown of her head. Elisa whined, but she heeded your words nonetheless, although she did sneak a wave and a cheeky thumbs up to Alexia on the way up, leaving you with an amused smile on your lips at her antics as you thought fondly, shaking your head, ‘Oh my god, this child.’
When Elisa was finally out of sight and you heard her bedroom door shut, you let out the breath you were holding. That really could have been a disaster, and when you looked over your shoulder, you found the same thought written in Alexia’s face. You dragged your feet back to where Alexia stood who, as soon as you got close enough, was quick to pull you back into her gentle arms. With your cheek pressed against her collarbone, her arms loose around your waist, and her chin resting on your head, you were grounded back to the moment, your muscles relaxing as apprehension began to leave you.
“That was mortifying.”
Alexia let out an airy laugh, the remnant of her nervousness still apparent. “I know. At least we didn’t do it last night.”
“Alexia,” you groaned as your cheeks burnt anew, “please, don’t–I don’t even want to imagine that right now.”
Melodic laughter filled your ears again before it tapered off which, once again, left you two blanketed in the subtle refrain of the waking world and the warmth of the sunlight that streamed through the window. You didn’t know which of you moved first but in the next moment, you found the both of you swaying to a gentle rhythm as you held each other.
“So, what now?” Alexia asked, breaking the silence.
“I… I don’t know.” You answered truthfully. Sure, the both of you agreed to take everything slow, but where to even start? When intimacy and familiarity were already there, strong and incessant in their pull, how could torn lovers begin to mend the fragments–to keep everything tentative and slow? Where should the lines be drawn, the boundaries set, when a profound desire that transcended physical affection already made its home in your heart, a yearning that constantly craved for not only Alexia’s company but also her thoughts? Because with Alexia, you wanted–and would always–want more.
“I think, for now, I need to talk to Elisa about this–about us.” Sighing, you continued, “what do I even tell her?”
“Well, she seems to approve.” At that, the both of you chuckled, then Alexia spoke again, serious but her tone remained light when she did. “Tell her whatever you’re comfortable with. Slow, remember? No labels for now, it’s just you and me.”
She placed a kiss against your ear and you hummed, nuzzling her neck in gratitude.
Another pause.
“I think I should go.”
Hard as you tried, you couldn’t hide your disappointment at what Alexia just said even though it was probably the best thing to do right now. There were much you needed to talk to Elisa about alone: her nightmares and her therapy, and now this. The only thing that eased your heart was the fact that Alexia seemed as reluctant to go, too, with the way her hold on you tightened and you responded to her touch by falling further into her, clutching the fabric of her shirt in an attempt to let her know you’d rather she stayed.
“I know. Me, too,” Alexia sighed seeming to understand what you were feeling as she kissed your temple. “How about this? If you and Elisa are feeling up for it, I could take you some place tomorrow? I did tell you before that I’d show you around.”
At the reminder, the memory fleeted through your mind and a sense of melancholy filled you but you swallowed it down before it could take root. Then you hummed in agreement, “I’ll ask Elisa about it. What’s on for you today?”
“Apart from waiting until tomorrow comes?” Alexia joked which made you giggle. “I’ll probably visit La Masia, check with Josep for next week’s schedule, then head home or visit Mamá and the family.”
“That sounds fun.” You said as you began to kiss her, knowing that your time together for the day would end any second now. As you punctuated each word with a kiss, you continued, “alright, I should let you go now, then.”
The rumble from Alexia’s chuckle radiated beneath your palm on her chest as she whined, “you’re making it really difficult to leave.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop now,” you giggled and just as you began to pull away, Alexia cradled the nape of your neck and sealed your lips together again for a deeper kiss. Then she pulled away but not before dragging down your lower lip with her thumb as she untwined herself from you and gave you a look that made you burn all over.
“Call me later?”
You nodded.
Alexia grabbed her leather jacket, gave you a smile and one last peck on your cheek, before she strode out of the door.
The feeling of loss that arrived upon her departure did not go unnoticed by you but before it could settle in your heart, you made your way to Elisa’s bedroom. As soon as you entered though, Elisa shot you a question without any preamble, practically buzzing in her excitement.
“Mom, why didn’t you tell me you’re dating Alexia?”
Your cheeks burnt at Elisa’s bluntness.
“Before we get to that, ladybug, I need to talk with you about something first.” You said as you set yourself down next to her on the bed. Elisa regarded you with a look that said she already knew what you were going to talk with her about. You wrapped an arm around her and squeezed her shoulder. “I’m worried about your nightmares and your therapy. Do you think we need to switch to a different therapist?”
Elisa gnawed on her lower lip before she spoke in a soft voice. “I like my current one. She’s cool and she makes it easy for me to talk about what happened. But I can take more sessions if you want me to.”
“Do you think you need more sessions?” You looked at Elisa pointedly, emphasising the fact that the choice was hers to make. “All I want is what’s best for you and your wellbeing, Elisa. I’m not trying to make you do anything, especially if you know yourself you don’t need them, but I also can’t just stand by and watch so I’m just here to tell you that there are options. If you need more sessions, we can do it. If you want to change therapists, we’ll both find you a new one. As long as it’s going to help you get through this, we can do it.”
“I’m not sure… Can I–” You caught her eye again and you raised your brows at her chosen word, and you watched as Elisa nodded, understanding what you meant, before she began again, “I will talk to my therapist about it and see if I do.”
You beamed at her, proud as you squeezed her shoulder again. She smiled back.
“So, what do you think is causing this spike in nightmares?”
“I… I don’t know. I think I’m just nervous? Also, maybe too excited?” Then Elisa added with a small laugh, “or both? I don’t really know.”
“About what, ladybug?”
“Going back to the Academy.”
At this information, you couldn’t help but frown, confused. “Is something happening in the Academy?”
Concern must have been too apparent in your tone because Elisa quickly looked at you and said as she waved her hands in reassurance, “it’s nothing bad, Mom, don’t worry! It’s just, Coach told us there are scouts coming some time around the end of the year and I’m… I really want to play for Barça, Mom.”
You understood her apprehension but her answer didn’t tell you why her shoulders looked like they’d taken on an invisible weight again with the way her spine curved inwards, almost dejected.
“That’s a really big opportunity, ladybug, so I understand that pressure is there for you to perform your best. Is it the pressure that’s making you think about what happened?”
Elisa shrugged, quirking her lips to the side in an unsure manner. A moment later though, she nodded and admitted in a small voice. “I just don’t want to let them down. I don’t want to let you down.”
“Elisa,” you took her hand in yours. “Never, never. If your parents were here, they would tell you how proud they are of how far you’ve come already. You’re so strong, ladybug, and you don’t even know how much. And if you happen to fall down, we’ll be here to support you until you’re ready to stand back up again. Just know that whatever happens, you will always be enough. Always, Elisa. ”
Elisa leant her head against your shoulder then she turned her head and gazed at you with wide eyes. “You really think I can make it?”
“I believe in you, ladybug. Do you?” You pinched her arm playfully which earned you a giggle from her. When she looked back up at you and you saw the determined gleam in her eye, the worry in you was put to rest.
“Yes.”
At that, you couldn’t help the warmth that surged through you and you hugged her. “There you go. I’m so proud of you, ladybug.”
After a moment of silence, Elisa asked in a teasing tone, “so… Alexia, huh, Mom?”
Your cheeks warmed. “What about her?”
“Are you together?”
“It’s… complicated right now, ladybug. We’re working on it.”
“Was that why you always looked sad whenever we talked about her? Before now?” You raised your brows in surprise. You’d always tried your hardest to school your features whenever Alexia was brought up because you didn’t want Elisa to worry but you didn’t think that you were that transparent.
“Did I really?”
“Yeah. I don’t know how to explain it but whenever you tried to smile, it didn’t quite reach your eyes.”
“Oh.” Pause. “I… I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
Elisa shook her head. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, Mom. And it’s different now. Now you look happy.”
“I am.” You admitted with a small smile. “How… how do you feel about us, though?”
“I’m happy that you’re happy, Mom. It’s going to take awhile to get used to the Alexia Putellas being around but I’ll be fine. And as long as she treats you well, I’m alright.”
Your chest expanded at her words. “Thank you, ladybug, that… that means a lot.”
Elisa hugged you then and you hugged her back.
“Speaking of, Alexia offered to take us around the city tomorrow. What do you say?”
At that, Elisa practically jumped up, unable to control her excitement and you laughed.
True to her words, Alexia pulled up in her car the next day a couple of hours before noon. Alexia looked comfy in her white sneakers, ankle length socks, shorts, an oversized t-shirt, and a baseball cap, and upon opening the door for her, she took you in her arms and kissed you. Her eagerness amused you and you laughed against her lips but you tangled your fingers in her hair to deepen the kiss anyway.
“I missed you.” Alexia spoke between kisses.
“It’s only been a day,” you smiled into the kiss, charmed. “And I missed you, too.”
Time slipped you as you lost yourself in Alexia’s arms and lips, and you didn’t know how long the both of you were there by the open door, but it was apparently long enough that Elisa needed to interrupt you two. A terse cough made you pull away and, turning to look at Elisa who was standing just beneath the archway that lead to the living room, offered your daughter an apologetic smile. Elisa only stood there with her arms crossed, clearly unimpressed with the way her brows were creased.
“Hola, Elisa.” Alexia said with a shy wave which drew your attention back to her and you bit your lip at the state of her face. You reached out to wipe away the faint smudge of your lipstick on the corner of her lips and, upon realising what you’d done, Alexia quirked her brows up as she smiled at you, sheepish.
“Hi, Alexia.” A pause. “Wait, should I be calling you Aunt Alexia now?”
Alexia opened her mouth then closed it, seeming to be completely disarmed by the question. And when she looked at you with plea in her wide eyes asking you silently how she should answer it, you knew just how much the question definitely caught her off guard.
“Uh, if you want to.” Her words lilted with so much uncertainty it sounded more like a question than a statement.
Then Elisa grinned at the both of you, practically beaming. “I’m just messing with you, Alexia.”
She then continued to skip between you two, bounding through the door and down the porch stairs, and you held your laughter in as Alexia looked after her with a bewildered gaze, mouth agape. Once Elisa got to where Alexia’s car was parked, she started to wave the two of you over.
“She’s… she’s very funny.” Alexia laughed nervously, eyes still fixed at Elisa. Then she whispered conspiratorially, pointing to Elisa for good measure. “Are you sure she’s the same kid I met at the Olympics?”
“Yes.” You chuckled as you locked the door and began descending down the stairs. “She’s only like this when she feels comfortable around people. So, do you know what that means?”
Alexia shook her head.
You smiled at her, cupping her cheek before you pressed a light kiss on the other. “It means she likes you.”
At that, Alexia smiled back at you with lightness in her eyes before she grabbed your hand, intertwined her fingers with yours, and kissed the back of it. And the gesture warmed you more than Barcelona’s summer sun ever could.
Then, once the three of you were in Alexia’s car, you asked, “so, what do you have planned for us today?”
Alexia adjusted her rearview mirror to look at Elisa at the back seat, smiling. “First of, who’s hungry?”
After a delicious–and a quite scenic–brunch at a restaurant located by one of Barcelona’s waterfronts, the three of you took a short walk down a nearby landing connected to the port. By this time, the sun had already reached its peak, and with the vacant sky and the high tide, the view was one someone would expect to have come out of a film; the blue tinge of both the heavens and the sea was so vivid that you knew your camera would have trouble capturing the essence of it. Image after image, you captured your surroundings and as the three of you walked on, rolls of film were exposed to the light of Elisa and Alexia, and these images, you knew, you would cherish forever.
At one point during the walk, Alexia asked you to teach her how to work your camera, and so you did. With Elisa between you looking over at the sea, you guided Alexia’s fingers over the camera and taught her how to hold it properly, before you told her about the rest. As soon as she got it, she slung your camera around her neck and immediately started taking photos of you and Elisa. You laughed when she held the camera at arm’s length in an attempt to take a selfie of the three of you, adjusting it as best as she could to get the right angle before she set the timer. You told her as all of you returned to her car that you’d send her the fruit of her labour the moment you developed the negatives.
About half an hour later after hitting the road again, the three of you ended up at the second stop for the day: Camp Nou’s Barça store–much to Elisa’s delight. When Alexia parked the car at a less crowded spot and began to take her seatbelt off, you fixed Alexia with a reluctant gaze, speaking in Spanish so Elisa wouldn’t understand.
“Is it really wise for you to just march in the store? You’re the Alexia Putellas, after all, there’s no way no one would notice.”
In response, Alexia held a finger up to indicate you should wait and shifted so she could grab the hoodie that was hanging over the back of her seat. She put it on, zipped it up and pulled the hood down over her cap, then she put on a face mask and her sunglasses, her light brown hair spilling out to frame her face.
“Voila!” Alexia waved her open hands. “What do you think?”
You looked her up and down. All of her tattoos were covered but even with her attire and her face concealed, you could still recognise her–maybe you could chalk that up to you intimate familiarity with Alexia’s being but still. So you said as you schooled your features, your voice monotonous. “Wow. You really look like a whole new person.”
Alexia threw her head back, laughing. Then, “we’ll treat it as an experiment and see if they will.”
“That’s very modest of you,” you countered, tone still dry.
“Thank you,” she retorted in a saccharine tone while she flipped her hair over her shoulder, and that, in turn, made you laugh.
So then it was decided that you and Elisa would also wear face masks as all of you went on ahead in your quest to infiltrate–as per Alexia’s words–the store. Much to your surprise, Alexia’s disguise worked although she did draw some unwarranted glances, ranging from suspicion to pure amusement, due to the nature of her getup. And to your chagrin, once the three of you got back to the car with your bags of merch, Alexia smirked at you, smugness all too evident in the curve of her lips.
After that, Alexia took all of you for a drive up a mountainside with the windows rolled down that let the fresh, summer breeze rush inside. With the wind in her hair, she began to sing along with you and Elisa to the music playing on the radio, nodding her head to the beat of the music. At the end of the ascent, Alexia parked the car at your third stop, which turned out to be the Tibidabo Amusement Park.
You knew this place was pretty high up, but the moment you stepped out of the car, even from the parking lot, the view hit you: it was incredible. The city of Barcelona stretched out far into the distance, expansive and seemingly never-ending, and you could just see the strip of blue that bordered the ports, and the colours of the city’s structures were made ever-vibrant by the radiance of the sun. The view pulled you towards the edge of the parking lot, where you put the viewfinder to your eye to capture it.
“The view is stunning, isn’t it?” Came Alexia’s voice from beside you.
“Yeah…” you said, breathless, dragging you eyes from the cityscape to Alexia and as you did the remainder of your breath was completely taken away, cheeks warming when you found Alexia gazing at you, her smile as tender as her eyes, while her loose brown hair fluttered to the breeze which added to the softness of her demeanour. The urge to kiss her then became too much so before you fall into temptation, you closed the distance and simply rested your head against her strong shoulder, an arm around Elisa’s shoulder when she stepped into the space beside you.
Soon, you began a short trek upwards to get to the entrance, and if the view from the parking lot took your breath away, it was nothing compared to what you found at the top: from the regal immensity of the structure of the Temple of the Sacred Heart of Jesus that greeted you, to the Torre de las Aguas de Dos Ríos that stood proud just behind the Temple, to the perspective that overlooked the other side of Barcelona. After another round of picture-taking, the three of you finally entered the park.
The day went by as the three of you amused yourselves with the park's attractions. And since you'd all forgone wearing masks, Alexia was, as expected, recognised by people and was stopped more than a handful of times for photos and signatures during different points of your excursion. And you watched with Elisa on the sidelines, appreciating the way Alexia interacted with her supporters, and smiled at her with encouragement and reassurance whenever she looked at you two with an apologetic gleam in her eyes.
By the time the three of you left the park, the sun had begun to set.
It was another drive around the mountain side that lead you to the last stop for the day: Mirador d’Horta. Alexia parked the car in such a way that the trunk faced the cliffside before she urged the two of you to step out and you gasped.
You’d seen some magnificent scenes today, but this one was definitely your favorite.
There you stood, taking in the way the lights of the city burned like embers embedded in the earth. There was something about witnessing the city at night that never failed to make you feel connected, elevated, when you see the million tangible proofs of existence: under each light was a person, a family—lovers—all in their own worlds at their corner of this world you shared with them. And in your corner, in the opened trunk of Alexia’s car, was your world right beside you, and there was nowhere else you’d rather be. The three of you sat there in silence, Elisa in the middle of you and Alexia gazing over the city lights.
It wasn’t long until the day finally took its toll on Elisa, and she ended up settling her head on your lap and dozing off into slumber. You smiled down at her, brushing back her hair behind her ear as you watched her breathe deeply, feeling relieved when you noticed the peaceful smile on her lips.
“So her battery does run out. Sometimes, I forget just how much energy kids have.” The pure awe in Alexia’s voice made you let out a quiet laugh.
“It has its way of catching you off guard.” You shook your head fondly before you met Alexia’s eyes and teased, “I can’t believe she tired you out; aren’t you supposed to be the athletic one?”
“Hey! I’m only human; thank you very much. And what’s a thirty-year-old compared to a twelve-year-old?" Alexia raised an eyebrow in challenge.
“Touché. Ah, to feel young and full of energy again.”
Alexia cringed before she laughed out. “Please, stop. You’re making me feel old.”
“I’m making us feel old.”
The both of you chuckled, then took a momentary pause. You turned to Alexia and asked, "Did you run your parents ragged as a kid?”
The inner corners of her brows lifted—it was subtle, but you were familiar enough with the intricacies of her demeanour that you caught it—exposing more of her eyes, which looked pensive in the dim light, her lips pressed in a melancholic line before she smiled, wistful.
“Oh, yeah, but I’d like to think I wasn’t a menace. It’s just—you know, when you get so focused on something that you forget the time?"
You nodded. She continued.
“When I was much younger, there were times I was so intent on winning that I’d forget about dinner. So, one of them would look for me around the streets or the square. But after I got into Sabadell, my energy finally found the right outlet, and most days I’d gone home tired. Papá–” Alexia bit her lip, her eyes glazing over for a moment as she receded somewhere—a tender memory—then she shook her head. You watched the way her throat moved as she swallowed before she continued, voice raspy and quiet, “He, uh, he’d always exclaim, ‘She’s finally tamed!’ whenever I’d slump down on the couch after a practice. It was ridiculous, but it never failed to cheer me up.”
You grabbed her hand and squeezed it, expressing silent gratitude for the memory she imparted, as you smiled at the image of young Alexia with red cheeks in a sweat-soaked shirt, hair matted to her face, being chased and dragged back home to have dinner.
“No, I can’t imagine you being a menace. Mischievous, yes, and probably hot-headed, but never a menace.”
She laughed, winking at you. “Yeah, hot-headed is probably what people who knew me then would say about me. And I can’t imagine you being a menace, either.”
You raised your brow at her, smiling slyly. “Are you sure about that?”
Alexia opened her mouth as if to reassert her claim, but you saw the way her confidence wavered as she regarded you. Then she closed her mouth, now looking more unsure.
“Wait, are you being serious right now?”
You allowed her confusion to linger for another moment before you finally broke your character. “No, I wasn’t a menace, but you really should’ve seen the look on your face.”
Alexia squinted at you and muttered just loud enough for you to hear, her tone dry. “Are you sure about that?”
“Hey!” You yelled quietly, giving her shoulder a playful nudge but being careful not to accidentally jostle Elisa awake before you took her hand again. You intertwined your fingers together and pressed a kiss on the back of her hand, meeting her eyes. Then you took a moment to soak her in.
“Thank you, Alexia, for today. You don’t know how much this means to Elisa... how it means to me.”
Alexia squeezed your hand, smiling softly.
“I’m glad you both enjoyed it.” Alexia squeezed your hand as she regarded Elisa with a soft eye. Then a sincere smile lingered on her lips as she caught your gaze and said, “I think I needed something like today more than I realised. It feels good to be spending time with you again.”
Warmth bloomed in your chest, clearly understanding what Alexia meant.
“I know the feeling,” you whispered. And I missed you, too.”
With her other hand, Alexia reached out over the space between you and brushed her thumb over your cheek, tucking a strand of loose hair behind your ear as she smiled at you with her eyes and her lips. With the city lights behind her, the soft glow of the car light bathing her features in its golden glow, and the summer breeze playing with the soft strands of her hair, Alexia looked so tenderly human, the embodiment of warmth and all that the word entailed, gentle and, oh, so soft.
The two of you sat in silence, just soaking each other in, until a ping from Alexia’s phone interrupted the moment. Alexia looked down, read it, and then locked the screen with a sigh. When she met your eyes, hers were apologetic. You smiled in understanding.
“Time to go?”
“Yes.” Alexia sighed as she stood up and tucked her phone back into her pocket. “It was Josep. He reminded me I have a full day tomorrow.”
You nodded. You gently roused Elisa, watched her drag her feet to the back seat, and nearly chuckled when she fell right back to sleep after putting her seatbelt on and closing the door. You turned to Alexia, and as soon as she closed the trunk, you cradled her jaws in your hands and pulled her down for a kiss. Immediately, Alexia wrapped her arms around your waist, pulling you closer to her.
“I wanted to do that all day.” You whispered against her lips.
Alexia gasped when you nipped at her lower lip before she buried her fingers in your hair, deepening the kiss. “You have no idea.”
On the way back to Derek's house, Alexia kept one hand on your thigh. And with the radio playing softly as the car passed under a tunnel with lights overhead, it felt like you were in a movie.
After Elisa had gone back inside the house after thanking Alexia for the day and bidding her farewell for the night, you kissed Alexia’s cheek in gratitude. Then her lips.
With her forehead resting against yours, she whispered, “I’ll see you Tuesday?”
“Yeah.” You brushed your nose against hers before you kissed her again. You began to pull away. “Have fun tomorrow.”
“I will. I–” Alexia’s cheeks flushed before she smiled. “Bye, for now.”
Later, when you were in bed about to go to sleep, you received a message from Alexia. She sent you a link to a tweet containing a photoset that contained pictures of the three of you but mostly pictures of a hooded Alexia taken from a distance by the photos’ grainy quality, captioned, 'Alexia, what are you doing????’ followed by a string of laughing emojis.
At that, you couldn’t help but laugh. Her disguise was ridiculous in person, but captured like this, you thought it was a work of pure comedy.
You messaged her back, 'I guess you do have reason to be modest after all.’
#ap11#not proofread#mine#my writing#a/n:#this was meant to be longer but i decided to split it into (or else this wouldve been like 10k long or something lol)#sorry for not updating last week id been in pain for the last 2 weeks so it was hard to concentrate#not to mention i got hit by a writer's block so i needed to just take a step back lol#anyway i just need to tie up some loose ends in the next part and then against all odds will be finished in two weeks time 🥲#also i apologise for any style inconsistency#i may or may not have been rereading frankenstein while going through some parts of this lol#will fix any grammar/spelling/prose mistakes later#woso x reader#alexia putellas x reader
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A deep dive into the character of Ralph🐚
It is directly stated in chapter 4 that Ralph was one of the most comfortable about being on the island and his earlier actions shows thisThe only time he was show to feel worried was when he was forced to face reality(mulberry boys death,the war,getting rescued,ect). We also know that his life before the island had likley been falling apart. His mother was gone for some reason(as yk i hc her as dead which is the most common theory) and the war had gotten to a point where he needed to return to the Navy leaving him alone. He was in a new school(the boarding school which is all brought up in chapter 7) and likely shortly after the war has gotten to a point where they needed to be sent of to saftey. Those itself would be incredibly stressful for any kid of his age but adding in all of the previous changes it would be too much for anyone to deal with. So when he survived a crash and ended up in this paradise like place(which he likely had already dreamed of or loved in some way due to his original intrest of coral island which was brought back in that graphic novel) this would almost feel like an escape from the harsh reality he has been living in for atleast a few months. This would explaine why is reaction why his initial reaction came off as so odd. He was exited because he finally got an escapeHe also then gained a position of leadership(similar to his father who he is show to look up to) and a friend(Jack) taht he was finally able to get close too(Ralph is highly implied to move around as a child which would make making and keeping friends very difficult). Ralph loved the island so much because it was the first real escape he had. And having to accept reality took this feeling of stability away and forced him to accept that things where it good. We also know that this wild nature was somthing he had previously loved. In chapter 10 he brings up his last home again and how he loved the wild nature(which at that point he no longer loved) so the island would be even more enjoyable. When piggy once again mentioned rescue in chapter 4 and immediately after Ralph saw the boat he was still in the ehad space of dealing wirh reality which explains why he reacted so strongly. And of course the fact that he wa sthe cheif and it felt like his responsibility .This also makes the island falling apart even sadder because it was the only good thing he had left and it was stolen in 6 days with a weight that fell directly on his shoulder. And in the end he is confront with reality for the last time when the naval officer reprimand him for not doing enough to keep things in order despite him doing all taht he good in teh situation he was put in. And we know that war was still clearly going on(chapter 6 with the dead parachutes) so he was also forced to go back to that grim reality after the book concluded. Thsi would be 100 times worse if the original cannon of the nuclear bomb destroying London was still cannon.
If anyone chose to fully read this thank you
#lord of the flies#lotf#lotf fandom#lotf ralph#ana rambles#I am so sorry for all of the spelling mistakes I cannot be bothered to fix them#also sorry if some parts are writen weird these are copy and pasted from my discord#feel free to ask any questions!!
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And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am...
#moral orel#orel puppington#adult orel puppington#moral orel fanart#my art#guys it's Iris by the goo goo dolls 🤑🤑 this song has beautiful lyrics literally each part#You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever beAnd I don't wanna go home right now#I'd put the entire song jajajajakjdkenen#Heavily inspired by Marnie's art of Orel with Where Is My Mind lyrics 💙💙#also this heavily inspired by some MCR art I saw...#bro thinks he's in Fight Club ‼️‼️#he's so me I'm so him#I need to be punched until I bleed <3#Maybe I need to shut up#if I do a lot of lyric art with Orel this was the beginning of an era 😭😭#aughghghhh debo pasar otro día deseame suerte...#too lazy to fix any mistakes in my tags 😢
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you ever realize you never properly learned how to say a character's name, so by the time you finally HEAR it, you have no idea who they're talking about? cause I feel like I keep doing this and it's very confusing to keep being corrected like that
#I have this habit of only reading the first few letters and then completely skimming over the rest of a name#which leads me to just. totally making it up#ko-she-key (koschei from doctor who) and tin-tall-gia (tintaglia from the rain wild chronicles) are my favorite names that I've fucked up#the funniest part is I only sometimes chose to recognize the mistake and fix it#I do not think those two will ever be pronounced correctly. I just. can't. that's who they are to me#plus soz but you're a liar if you're gonna tell me the way I say “ko-she-key” isn't an infinitely more fun way to pronounce it#even if it is... y'know... just not even the same name FFVJVFJ#I'm not tagging either media cause I mean whatever if you find it good for you but I NEEDED to show off how egregious those examples are#I'm being so fucking serious when I said I SKIM over these names. I didn't even know how to spell them I had to look it up#in fact I was so shocked about tintaglia I had to rewrite hers three separate times#I have never in my life paid any closer attention to these names and after this I will continue not doing so#they are “kosheci-said-with-a-hard-c-for-some-reason” and “tintalgia” to me thank you and goodnight#—:*after these messages we'll be righttttt back*:—
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I am stressed, and I am on edge, and I feel like I'm actually, legitimately reaching my limit. It's kinda funny how my mom was the one to push me there
#she seems to think i have all the time in the world#but i don't think she realizes just how much of that time is spent mentally recovering from#or preparing for#something#i also don't think she realizes she is a huge part of the problem#on top of the general school and work stuff#she's been badgering me to do things for a while now#it's cleaning my room#or applying to jobs#or going to church#or reading the bible#it's always something#there's always something im not doing well enough#then she'll go behind my back and make plans involving me without telling me and then blame ME for not being considerate of those plans#she had the fucking gall to say “there's something going on that you aren't telling me”#like no shit it's almost as if any time i talk to you about something you either blow me off or turn it against me#apparently im getting pretty good at hiding when im having a shit time when im not actively trying to make sure the person knows#to the point when i had an actual panic attack before a surgery once it supposedly came out of nowhere for her#like im starting to realize just how disconnected from my life she actually is at this point and i don't think i care to fix it#i shouldn't fucking have to#i shouldn't have to deal with that on top of school. work. my social life. my finances. hygiene. self-care. etc#not when i don't think she's willing to put through any effort towards improvement#not when she's “the grown adult”#not when her reaction to me making a mistake or losing motivation for something is often along the lines of...#“do you want to end up like your father?”#im so unbelievably fucking done#im about ready to give someone more than just a piece of mind. they're about to get the whole fucking mess of a thing.#the best part? this week's all downhill from here#gobby rants
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don’t ask where i am mentally that this became a thing but i made a “which al pacino character are you/would you be most compatible with?” quiz to keep myself awake during an insomnia fit. enjoy <3
#mind you i have been awake for the equivalent of almost three days now#so if there's any mistakes then my bad lmk so i can fix them#i am delirious good night#al pacino#al pacino saturday#*scuddish.txt#the compatibility part borderlines on living in a headcanon LMAO
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this may be an unpopular opinion but personally i think the thing i struggle with regarding the idea of buck and eddie having satisfying romantic arcs apart from each other is that it is possible for sure, but i don't really. see a way for it to happen without some kind of a shift in the relationship they have each other that moves away from the level of intimacy and closeness they have developed over the past six (6!) years.
because, like, obviously you can have meaningful platonic relationships outside of your romantic partner, but even though buck and eddie are not in a romantic relationship their whole deal is also... not platonic. the space that they occupy in each other's lives is. well. it goes beyond friendship (sorry). and as others have pointed out, part of the reason buck and eddie's past relationships (taylor, ana, etc) have felt so lackluster in comparison to their relationship with each other is simply because they just do not have the kind of emotional intimacy with anyone else that they have with each other – and i don't really think you can have it both ways. the relationship buck and eddie have on the show right now can't continue as it is if the goal is to have them both in well-developed, believable romantic relationships apart from each other; something would need to change.
and i mean. they could do this; it's not impossible. but i think would be a mistake, and not just because i think they have a good foundation for a romantic relationship (though i do) – so much of the story they've told with buck and eddie is about two people who were both very alone in different ways meeting and becoming an integral part of each other's lives, and the relationship they have with each other is a really compelling part of the show. so while having them grow apart from that relationship is technically possible, i don't think it would be a good or satisfying choice narratively
#some of this is just reiterating stuff that was said more eloquently in the post i linked lol#but my thesis here is that they can't accomplish this without changing buck and eddie's relationship in the show#which i think would be a mistake. personally#also this is not the point of this post but i think it would be hard to pull this off for eddie especially because. like. with who.#and that's not anything about eddie's character specifically i just think logistically it would be very difficult. i don't remember the#exact quote but going back to how tim said that part of the reason buck's previous love interests weren't very compelling was because none#of them had any connection to the 118 or anyone else on the show – they were just too isolated from the rest of the story#and i mean. we're halfway through season 7 now. it's pretty late in the game to bring in another major character and integrate them into#the world of the show to a level that would fix that issue#and that IS what they would have to do i think. and i'm not saying it is impossible but i do think it would be hard to pull off#okay i spent way too long editing this i need to go study for real now. praying i don't come back to people killing me with hammers
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Oh look, another art piece-
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/ecab9745d2bc95c574e621add50077e0/e25ce420626e115a-1f/s540x810/e5d1494e4145bfdaa351634fdb5e47af3de29c81.jpg)
He a little confused, but he got the spirit
WOO! After getting confirmation on details about the character, I finally allowed myself to draw this! It was originally going to be a mini comic, but I just decided to draw the last panel with a lot more detail.
Blue belongs to @creatively-cosmic. They have an Ask Blog by the name of @themissingnumbers, so go check them out! Their content is great!
Aster belongs to me.
[Extras and whatnot below the cut!]
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/6d19ad670b36d4f51461b39b712efc22/e25ce420626e115a-f8/s540x810/367a803df5b0f6b207e17adef5d8d9fa1d800c56.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/2339575d418b3ccd4c3802267112744f/e25ce420626e115a-2e/s540x810/79803cca53ea8eb5e4ff1fe64cc539dfd0d55e69.jpg)
[Extra Bonus!:
If you actually looked under the cut, you get to be blessed with a little nugget of information about Aster!
Aster doesn’t know jack about sexuality or gender identity (don’t worry, he’s learning!) But what he does know are the colors! Aster can tell you what colors or flag represents which sexuality/gender—but he couldn’t actually tell you about them. He doesn’t know what each of them mean.
Lots of people in his life and around his home have little desk flags or wear pins with different gender identities or sexuality’s on them, so he knows that it isn’t a bad thing. He thinks all the colors are pretty and unique and should be supported and celebrated!]
[Also, for those curious, here’s the symbolism for each flower. I wasn’t the most confident in drawing some of them, but I did my best to pick good ones!:
Blue Morning Glory: Encouragement, Power, Enduring Love
Pink Roses: Appreciation, Recognition, Happiness
White Daffodil: Rebirth, Good Fortune, Resilience.]
#This took all of my energy for today lmao-#I’m so happy that i could draw this after the idea was chilling in my head for the better part of a month#I know we haven’t met him yet In Missing Numbers#but I had to#Plus he’s my second favorite#Had to make up for all the Fire fanart somehow haha#Please excuse any mistakes in the actual art I’m running on hopes and dreams over here-#My wrist hurts but I’ll be okay#The art is worth it! and so is Blue!#Also yes the art name is a pun#EDIT: went back and fixed some coloring mistakes everything should be good now :)#Aster is an ally#He will be your friend no matter who or what you are#Everyone is a potential friend to Aster!#(He just so happens to get along the best with any Blue variants he comes across-)#(What can he say—It’s programmed in him.)#[I just realized that I’ve unintentionally made Aster a way to interact with the main cast of Missing Numbers-]#[Whoops!]
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Sometimes I wish I had more people interested in my creations, but then I get hit by thoughts like “Imagine the outrage you’d be faced with if your Avatar Suiren AU was more popular. This is the fandom that still cannot ‘forgive’ Korra for SOMETHING THAT WAS DONE TO HER, calling her the worst Avatar for losing the connection to her past lives (which came about because she HAD RAAVA LITERALLY RIPPED OUR OF HER) and acting like that is somehow a worse offence than, say, inaction leading to genocide. The hate you’d get for intentionally making Suiren the last Avatar would be IMMEASURABLE” and go “… actually, I’m glad that for the most part it’s just @katkastrofa and I–”
(Though then again… would it even be an AU by yours truly if it didn’t contain at least one cancellable offence? 😁)
#don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong#also Suiren is even less like Aang than Korra is. she wouldn’t stand a chance in this fandom#everyone knows most people in this fandom can’t handle angry brown girls#and Suiren is honestly on a whole different level#so yeah#I’m glad it’s not a well known thing#but her biggest offence would of course be letting go of Raava#and thus also losing the connection to her past lives and ending the Avatar cycle#her next incarnation will not be the Avatar. they’ll be just a normal EK kid#and that is the biggest crime an Avatar could ever commit#deciding to spare future generations of the burden#the Avatar should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one person#and every Avatar we know of was stuck in an endless cycle of fixing their predecessors’ mistakes#nobody deserves that. especially not a child. and the Avatars ARE discovered as children for the most part#even at 16 like Roku Kyoshi and Kuruk is still way too young for having the fate of the world on your shoulders#I’d argue any age is too young#the world can’t depend on one person to solve their problems#the avatar is ultimately human. they make mistakes. they’re biased. they can be corrupted#and not a single generation goes by without at least one world-scale threat. nothing any avatar does is every enough. it’s a thankless job#no era of peace has ever lasted long. that has to be something worked for by the world at large#ending the cycle is the correct move because then the world will not be looking to the Avatar for every issue#and will actually start sorting shit out themselves. that’s my (very correct) view of it. at least#but again. this fandom will not be able to handle that. because they care about a bunch of long dead ghosts more than living characters#I’m sorry but sparing at least one kid of the trauma that comes with being the Avatar makes losing the past lives connection worth it#to me at least. and it’s not like breaking the connection erases them from ever existing like Greater Lord Rukkhadevata. they’re remembered#just can’t be accessed anymore. and that’s okay. they deserve to rest#(forgive me for the Genshin Impact reference it was the only thing I could think of. it was a brief phase I don’t play it anymore)#anyway. idk where this rant/meta just came from. I apparently have A Lot of thoughts about this AU that aren’t limited to Kuviren smut lmao#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness
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Ohh im obssesed
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/73cb96c52661e42779202b30f07db5f6/12c3ab1cc56150e9-36/s540x810/34ea722f870b822a4005c32932aa040332ced30e.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/978502b4af75ceefabd539bfad5519f5/12c3ab1cc56150e9-e3/s540x810/e18e5af169ebb611e210f1afeaa4429e2cb5ab6f.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/ddaf58f0330f12c277703178c3d2dc3c/12c3ab1cc56150e9-3b/s540x810/37dc68a2ce0caa6f8d71d2f52a4a7198184215c2.jpg)
#uprooted#uprooted naomi novik#solya#marek#my main playlists dedicated to them :]#idk why they cought my attention in 2018 and since that year they have had a special place in my heart. sometimes throughout my day-#i realise im obssesed with them and they're not just some random characters i like. ive dedicated a lot of time on them#i wonder how my interest in them will be when i get older. i certainly know that i will miss them if i stop thinking about them#you could say they have seen me grow. i knew them BEFORE quarantine. they were with me DURING. and AFTER#they have been through so many phases of my life. its so strange.#they changed so much too...except Marek. he still looks the same I imagined him in 2018. solya is definitely different tho#but i do think i have a different more in depth understanding of both characters#even if the words i read in 2018 are still the same now that i look back at the book. they were so many things unsaid but if u looked-#closely you could understand them. solya and marek as individual characters have so much depth...even if its not explicitly said#or maybe its just me reading between the lines too much. i wish i just knew more about them. this is getting so long-#but I got a bit nostalgic. is crazy how i was just a child and somehow even tho solya was just the total opposite of the type of characters-#i like there was something in him. something that made me look at him. and i think thats actually so in character of him#i think that in the book even if someone didnt like him. it was still hard to look away because he stood out from the rest.#there was definitely something about him that attracted people. or else how would have he gotten so far in his schemes?#I may be overanalyzing it. but i love the Falcon so much. and i do like marek a lot as a character. i find him very interesting. i know he-#did bad. terrible. things i like him as a character. not as a person.#i wish i could have seen what was going on in that damaged mind of his...#analyzing his behavior its so entertaining to me. i love making up scenarios where he is at his worst. im not gonna lie#marek suffering and then finding comfort in not comforting things is one of my favorite headcanons.#his obssesion with his mother is also a very important part of his character (ofc) and i love imagine him doing things related to that#thinking about the ways their personalities connect and make them have a very toxic bond keeps me up at night..they made each other worst#and we actually never see that in depth in the book. everything is so subtle but my crazy brain can find the signs in any part#i will stop this rant here. i feel its so long and if i made any spelling mistake i apologise to my future self (probably my self from-#tomorrow) because i know i won't be able to fix the misspelling and that will stress me SO MUCH.#future self please dont stress about it. just be happy. and enjoy thinking about these insane characters
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#maan it took me like 2 hours to take this dell laptop completely apart#and reassembling it back into a new chassis only to find out the chassis i got doesnt have the keyboard light slot for the ribbon cable#thats on me to not paying attention or taking apart my dell laptop to compare the parts#but in the end it works just as new#not only did i change out the chassis but i even put in a new screen 😭#i had to remove so many small screws all different sizes and positions#take the mother board and move it to the new chassis 😭#made a couple mistakes but nothing too serious#it was my first time doing this without any real guide ahahaha#bruh it was task no cap#but at least the laptop looks and feels completely new#next up is adding a 2nd ram stick#then figuring out how to remove this firecuda from this heatsink so i can move it jnto the laptop and run a virtual box#just for the chance i get a virus i can just delete the partition from the hard drive and not have to reset my whole laptop completely#then i could probably run some emulators for ps2 or 3 games#i needed this windows laptop for the off chance i need to use windows for certain applications and i can finally stop using my mac#to virtual machine windows on it to use windows taking up half of my ram cpu cores and storage LMAO#i now freed that up#next up is waiting for my soldering machine to get here so i can fix this ps5 controllers with halo affect analog sticks#which would mean never having to worry about stick drift any longer#i now patiently wait#personal#about me
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barely an hour at work and already on the brink of another breakdown i need to quit this fucking job and/or perhaps kill myself
#my boss told me i work too much overtime and i agree but also i am literally the only trained person on kitchen and unless we're fully#booked im alone and have to do everything myself and if theres a task i cant finish its waiting there for me tomorrow to pick back up plus#literally everything else bc everything in this hotel is fucking broken so i cant even do everything on time like this fucking dishwasher is#now broken for the what?? tenth time this summer???? hello???? so the dishes keep piling up and up and up and i have to do them later#whenever the technician shows up but that all goes toward extra time that i cant do certain tasks#pkus the night guard is incompetent as fuck every single morning theres so many mistakes i need to fix and i always have to clean up his#parts as well bc he never finishes breakfast on time and then leaves the kitchen looking like a mess#and the buffet looks like shit bc even though i tell him a million times how hes supposed to put things he keeps doing them differently and#BADLY on top of that so the buffet looks like someone just threw up some food on it in random order like i cant keep coming an hour early#just to hold your hand through the process of putting prepared food in the designated spaces youve been here for a month now at some point#youre gonna have to be able to fucking do this every time i come an hour early thats an hour i work longer every day bc of course all the#cleaning up after breakfast is done doesnt get any shorter#and then on top of THAT apparently im now responsible for ordering shit for the entire hotel and running meetings and oh yeah im also#supposed to watch over reception tomorrow WHILE doing breakfast. fantastic. thats gonna go so well i cant wait 👍🏻#and im also working on sunday btw. so cool. bc clearly im so well adjusted and also mentally stable that i dont need a weekend or whatever.#and its fully booked with one of the most important businesses in town so like no pressure no pressure#and of course the boss is on vacation bc she somehow is always on vacation during the busiest days which is also so cool of her to do#also did i mention no one is ever gonna love me and ill die alone bc i only fall for people i can never be with#but also thats cool and chill and i dont even care 👍🏻
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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I need to get a job cuz I've got an essay-length fandom post forming in my brain and I think employment would stop this. lol
It's partially on the subject of what makes a book a good 'fandom' book VS what makes it a good book. Because I have read a book that is starting to make me want to map out the distinctions in my mind between 'enjoying a thing' and 'subcreating based on that thing'.
#this is specifically in reference to Will Leave the Galaxy for Good#because its been a few months and ive processed my feelings#and i like this book but i have absolutely 0 urges to write any canon-compliant fanfiction for it#and idk. there are parts of it that I really dont like. and parts I REALLY like#keep in mind that I wrote like 5 pages of worldbuilding and character notes for the first two books because I wanted my fic to be accurate!#i didnt want to make any mistakes or changes!!!#and this book makes me want to write AUs and fix-it fics#I dont even WRITE fix-it fics what is happening to me
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"Bruce loves his children to infinity but sucks at communication" gotta be one of my favourite tropes.
What Bruce means: I miss you so much it hurts, you are a great hero, and I'm really glad that you still consider me as part of your life and share your thoughts with me.
What Bruce does: hums meaningfully in response to Dick's story.
What Bruce means: I'm sorry about everything that happened between us, I still love you and want to fix our relationship, I'm incredibly grateful that you don't avoid me.
What Bruce does: nods at Jason when sees him on the patrol.
What Bruce means: I deeply care about you, you are truly important to me, I worry about your health and I don't want you to repeat my mistakes, neglecting yourself for the sake of a mission.
What Bruce does: gives Tim a snack without any explanation.
What Bruce means: I'm very proud that, despite everything you were taught, you choose to be a good person and help people, you have a kind soul, and it's an honour to me to call you my son.
What Bruce does: gives Damian an intensive head pat.
Should I say that Cassie is a blessing?
They stare at each other's soul for a solid five minutes and it's basically a full ass conversation.
#Boys definitely adopted his habits#and every time they do it they are like#oh fuck I'm just like my dad#batman#batfam#batfamily#bruce wayne#batdad#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#cassandra cain
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