#first week of most programming courses is like. okay this is the week where we Get The Simulator To Work On Your Computer

[rackartyg]

every day i get closer to saying fuck it and installing linux

[m00nymonster]

Birthday

Prompt: present

What do you give a spaceship?

This was a question Seth was asking himself now because two cycles ago Iris had had her fifth birthday party, and for the first time Perihelion had asked for one too. It hadn't seemed interested before, but lately had become more verbal (literally) about its wants. Apparently after years of seeing Iris get birthday parties it wanted one for itself. This party had to include presents, which was the problem.

The party itself would be simple to organize. Peri wasn't fond of the other AIs in the program--it had trouble getting along with them, especially Holism, who was popular with the other AIs--so the guest list would simply be the crew and Iris. A party with seven adults and one child was easy enough. The present part? That, not so much.

A spaceship didn't need much. Fuel, for the few times its power core needed a boost. A good cleaning every now and then. A happy crew for company. However, one did not usually associate a vehicle with possessions. Spaceships weren't sapient enough to even ask for such things.

For now the crew was plotting in a university faculty room at PUMNT, though Iris had been brought with them and was currently happily playing with dolls at the table.

"I requisitioned party streamers and decorations," Kaede said.

"And cake?" Iris said hopefully.

"Yes, and cake."

"Chocolate?"

Kaede smiled. "Of course."

"Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!" Iris chanted. "Oh! And starchy foods!"

"Iris, we'll have all your favorites," Seth said patiently. It wasn't like Peri was going to eat them.

"Yaaaaay!" Iris squealed. "I want to give Peri a teddy bear!"

"A teddy bear? Where would we put it?"

"On the bridge! Captain Teddy!"

Martyn laughed. "Okay, we'll find one for you."

"I wanna find it," Iris pouted. "And it has to be pink!"

"All right, starlight. We'll go shopping," Martyn said. "Seth, we'll leave the rest to you."

"Sure," Seth said. The two left, and Seth looked at his crew.

"Peri's expecting a present from us, too," he said. Kaede made a face.

"What the heck do you give a spaceship?" she asked.

"I was wondering the same thing," Seth said dryly. "I don't think we can get away with a teddy bear."

"It enjoys Iris' media," Matteo replied. "Maybe we can give it...a game based on some media?"

"Peri devours those. We need something that'll keep it occupied for more than five seconds. Literally."

Matteo looked stumped. Kaede shook her head.

"We've got to think outside the box. What would a machine get use out of? And 'a good polish' is not the right answer," she said, glaring at Matteo, who closed his mouth.

The crew and their captain sat in thought. Finally Seth said, "it's disembodied, isn't it? I mean, it doesn't have a body like the rest of us."

"I suppose," Kaede said. Seth grinned.

"I know what to get it," he said. "Let's get to work."

Two weeks later the crew had Peri's first birthday party. Peri enjoyed watching its humans play silly games, including pin-the-appendage-on-the-fauna, and eating cake (although Iris wore more cake than she ate). But it was by far the most excited to open the two packages it knew contained its very first birthday presents. Well, Iris would open them, anyway.

Is it present time? it asked eagerly as Seth finished wiping cake off of Iris. Seth nodded. "Iris, would you open the presents, please?"

"Mine first! Mine first!" Iris squealed, and grabbed a hot pink box. She ripped it open and pulled out an equally pink teddy bear. "Look, Peri! I got you a teddy bear!"

Thank you, Peri answered seriously. Can we put it in my engine room?

"Whereever you want," Seth replied. "Iris, if you--"

Iris was already ripping the packaging on Peri's second present to shreds. When she pulled out its contents she looked confused.

"What is it?" It was a machine of some sort, the same size as Iris, with a large dome top and several wiggly metal arms underneath.

"It's a very special drone," Seth said. "Peri, try it."

Curious, Peri downloaded a part of itself into the drone. It floated in the air and the arms wiggled. Iris giggled and grabbed one. "Hello, Peri," she said, and shook it like a handshake.

Hello, Iris, Peri said, and shook back. The drone gently wrapped two arms around her like a hug.

Thank you, Peri said quietly, its feed voice filled with emotion. I love it.

Seth smiled. "Happy birthday, Peri."

[jaemified]

through the window (21 days) - lee chan

“waiting 21 days isnt so bad if itll always end like this.”

pairing ; lee chan x fem!reader

genre ; fluff but pretty cheesy fluff, strangers to lovers, neighbors to lovers, not a smau but twt profiles are showed

warnings ; swearing, floods, isolation, separation, chans flirty (thats a warning in itself), reader has zero relationship experience

wordcount ; 2.7k

synopsis ; after a long series of floods, youre finally able to meet the boy across the street who had caught your eye throughout the long few weeks.

note - chan isnt an idol but minnie/soyeon are

note 2 - idk what chan is looking at in that pic

read below the cut !

DECEMBER 8, 2023

winter, also known as flood season.

the town where you lived in was already at a low altitude, so the bridge built to cross over the river to the other side of the street always had submerged during this time of year.

the thing that sucked the most about all this, was you were pretty much rained in for however long it takes for the water to drain with absolutely no way out.

so naturally, you all had came prepared.

your roommates minnie and soyeon never minded all the rain as they hated going in to work at the crack of dawn, yet you however, loved what you did. tutoring a kids after school program wasnt half as bad as the average person might think.

but, of course seeing as they were all a bunch of middle school kids, they could be a handful. you decided to listen to your friends and use these next few weeks to relax.

or, what you thought relaxing was.

“come on y/n! dont you wanna make strawberry shortcake with us?” minnie yelled at you over soyeons loud music while you studied over the next lesson plan for your kids.

“maybe later- i really wanna get a head start on these lessons.”

“seriously y/n?” soyeon murmured in slight disgust, “i seriously doubt the first thing those kids want to be thinking about is what they’re gonna do with their math tutor after a free half month.”

you shrugged and took a sip of your coffee before typing in the highlighted notes from the handbook into your computer.

“come on. youre not spending our one free break of the year like this again!” soyeon exclaimed as she snatched the book out of your hands, then closing your laptop before putting them both away in the cabinet under the tv.

“you know i can just get that myself right?”

“no, because i won’t let you.” she replied, locking the door and putting the key in her pocket.

“come on! im passionate about what i do, i dont mind it at all!”

“me and minnie are passionate about writing songs too, but even we know when its good enough to take a break.”

“okay i know i don’t work half as hard as idols do but i still have bills to come by! besides, corporate management demands i have the next lesson plan finalized before the end of the week!”

“corporates a bitch, they gotta be more mindful of how they treat their employees. like how do you be top tutoring company in the country and you still cant manage your employees the way they deserve?” minnie shouted in frustration.

“and dont worry about bills for now, we got it.” soyeon whispered to you.

“minnie- you realize cube is the same way to you guys right? and you work way harder then i do despite not getting the income you deserve.”

“yeah but we manage. we have a contract anyway. i know we’re passionate about what we do but we most certainly are not passionate about who we work for.” soyeon replied for minnie as she couldn’t hear over the sound of the blender (why was she using a blender again?)

you sigh soaking in how much pressure your friends are under at work, realizing you don’t even have it half as bad despite having a pretty shitty boss.

“how bout you find someone worth crossing an ocean for? itll be half as fun for us as itd be for you, since it’s in our contract we aren’t allowed to date.” minnie spoke after the whirring of the kitchen appliances died down.

“how.. we are entirely stranded until however long it takes for this stupid flood to drain.”

“do some stalking on insta. let’s find you like uh.. celebrity crush or ulzzang you can fan girl over or something.”

you scoffed in annoyance and slight disgust with your friends knowing you never really cared for any of that.

you decided to sit down at the bay window by the front door, scrolling through your phone before something outside caught your eye.

there you saw a guy across the way, sitting in his bay window just like you, he who seemingly just finished receiving a lecture from his friends.

you watched as he ran a hand through his fluffy dark brown hair, before he turned your way, your eyes locking.

immediately, it was part of your instinct to nervously turn away.

before slowly looking back, that is.

there you found the beautiful brown haired boy, still looking at you, with a golden smile.

your heart melted (but you thought you were having palpitations) when you saw him look at you so fondly.

what is this feeling?

you slowly raise a hand, and wave to him shyly.

he waved back, before forming a heart with his arms he held over his head.

you laughed quiet enough so your friends couldn’t hear you, but your facial expressions were bright enough so he could be aware he was able to make you laugh.

the boy laughed in response before he seemed to mouth something, but you weren’t the best at reading lips.

you tilted your head in confusion before he jokingly rolled his eyes, and saying it again, but slower.

“cu-tie.” you realized he said, or attempted to say.

“cu-tie?” you sounded out, making sure you understood right.

he nodded before pointing at you, his finger tapping against the glass, “cutie.”

he absolutely reveled in the way you smiled so brightly, the way your cheeks flushed pink and your eyes sparkled with excitement.

you didnt even realize how you were falling for his charms.

before you were even able to say anything back, his friend came up from behind him, attempting to drag him away, yet the guy was still persistent.

you watched how his friend started to get angry, so the guy rolled his eyes and stood up, walking away with his friend down the hall.

but not before waving back at you, blowing a kiss.

you got up from your seat before wrapping your arms around minnie, resting your head on her shoulder while you spared a small glance at whatever soyeon was watching in the living room.

“hmm? what do you need now my child?” she dramatically questioned, as she knew you only got clingy when you needed something.

“whos that guy that lives across the.. on the other side of the bridge? in that dark brown house with the black roof?”

“oh? house 133 right? thats seokmin, minghao, and.. what’s the other ones name? I always forget.. chan! yeah, chan.”

soyeon jumped up in surprise, pausing her show after hearing you pique your interest at a guy for the first time.

“why? you like one of them? which one? minghao? he was pretty well liked for a foreigner. he was in the same exchange program as minnie. ” she excitedly asked.

“w-what? no! i was just asking cause i saw one of them out there earlier.” you unconvincingly lied.

“oh she totally likes minghao.” “not even!”

“sweetheart, we aren’t as dumb as you think we are.” minnie pouted at you while she pulled away to put the cake in the oven.

you huffed in disbelief before going to take a bag of chips from the pantry, walking down to your room to finish the lesson plan. (on the laptop your boss lent you since soyeon took your personal one).

meanwhile, there you left chan, day dreaming about you all day long. he was so curious about you, yet he felt so stupid for crushing on some girl he’d never spoken to before.

not like he even could at this point, you were stuck in the middle of a flood, anyway.

“whats on your mind channie? you seem out of it.” seokmin asked while he blindly stirred the tteokbokki, turning to face the younger boy behind him, sitting at the kitchen island.

“its chan. whens he not out of it?” minghao chuckled, throwing a chip at his cheek, sliding to sit over at the stool next to him as he emerged from his bedroom.

“who lives in that white house on the other side of the bridge? isnt that where soyeon lives? we went to high school together.” chan half-mindedly queried, zoning out as he stared into the marble counters.

“yeah, why?” minghao responded.

“did she move out or something? there was another girl there and it wasnt soyeon or minnie.”

“oh, you mean y/n? she graduated a year before you or something, but at another school. we used to work at the same tea house before she left for that tutoring agency.”

“y/n? sounds vaguely familiar. i think i remember seungkwan mention her being in his class.”

“why are you mentioning her all of a sudden? you never cared for girls.” seokmin teased with a wide smile.

“oh come on. you know he’s quite the flirt.” minghao playfully cooed at chan, dramatically waving his hand back at seokmin.

“you two are insufferable.” he groaned, banging his head against the counter.

you found yourself up at night, scrolling through twitter before you decided to search for the guy you ‘met’ today. minghao, was it?

‘xu minghao’ was what you had entered into the search bar, clicking on the top result.

‘myunghoez’

‘huh.’ you thought to yourself. so it couldnt be him, but seokmin didnt seem to have an account as you searched for his name.

you looked up chans name next, thinking maybe,, that there could be a chance it’s him. his profile picture was technically him, but not, him. but in your defense, how could you tell who was who if chans profile picture was a baby picture?

though you knew youd never hear the end of it from her, you decided to ask soyeon.

“do you have a picture of chan?”

“yeah hold on. its just an old screenshot from an old tweet though.” she mumbled before pulling up her phone to show you.

‘wow.’ you thought to yourself, ‘so this really was the guy i met today.’

before soyeon could ask any questions, you quickly thanked her and ran back to your room before posting a small something in reference to what minnie had said to you earlier.

days, weeks, went by of you and chan interacting through the window despite never seeing each other up close, or ever hearing the others voice.

but despite being isolated from separately, you still had fallen for one another nonetheless.

you loved the way you would feel butterflies in your stomach whenever he made a heart with his hands for you, and he absolutely adored the way you in the end would just make a big sign telling him what you wanted to say when you gave up on trying to get him to read your lips.

of course the flood had its downside, i mean being stuck with the same 2 other people for almost a month definitely takes a toll on you, isolation definitely can get depressing with no way out.

but in the end, it had its upside as well. you were able to meet a great guy despite never technically talking face to face, having only lip reading to communicate (why didn’t you think of social media?). not to mention you were able to put more time into a forgotten passion after all of your energy being used up as a tutor.

marine animals.

you and chan had technically discussed the idea of possibly having a first date when you get out of here, yet you still hadn’t decided where you’d go or what you’d do seeing as you both were pretty passionate about different things.

chan had always loved the stars, you had always loved marine life. but, you decided you would finalize a date night once you both get to meet face to face.

DECEMBER 29

after a long 21 days of disappointment, spending christmas without your family, 3 going on 4 weeks of crazed loneliness, you finally woke up one morning to find the overflowing river, drained, and to its regular level.

you were able to see the bridge once more and though the wood might be rotting, you just couldnt wait to cross it.

you immediately ran down the hall, dressing however best you could, fixing your hair to be as best as it would go, being sure to brush your teeth and pop in a mint before running straight out the door. (and ignoring all of soyeons questions as well as minnies protests)

as you stepped out the front door, you saw chan just leaving his house looking as beautiful as ever.

you ran straight for the bridge, chan catching you before you could slip on a puddle before he picked you up into a big hug.

“you’re just as gorgeous up close as you were through a window.” he whispered as he pulled you close, his hand cradling the back of your head, pulling it to rest against his chest.

“and you’re still just as much of a flirt arent you?” you chuckled before slightly cringing at your attempt to reciprocate the excitement.

you were excited, believe me, just couldn’t express it as well as he could.

“i cant believe it took 21 days to finally be with you.”

“it was worth the wait wasnt it?”

“you’ll always be worth the wait.” chan mumbled against your skin as he pressed a soft kiss into your cheek.

“cant believe you’re real..” you mumbled, leaning further into his touch.

“cant believe i got someone like you to fall for someone like me.”

“chan you’re so cheesy.”

“only for you.” he replied with that stupid grin you grew to love so much.

the two of you later took the time to talk more about life, each other, finally exchange numbers, then eventually decide what you’d do for your first date night.

“see you tomorrow at 12?”

“tomorrow at 12.”

DECEMBER 30

you practically couldn’t sleep as you bubbled in excitement. you picked out a pretty black dress that went nicely with a random pair of white sneakers before heading out on your way while your roommates were out at work.

“lookin as pretty as always.” chan smiled while he opened his car door for you.

“still as handsome as ever arent you?” you jokingly rolled your eyes as he backed out the parking lot.

you two had many common interests, yet what you were most passionate about definitely was pretty parallel to one another.

chan loved the stars, you loved the sea. so, you decided to go to an aquarium (that also included solar system exhibits), grab some food from a cafe you found out you both loved, go for a late drive to the beach, watch the sunset, then stargaze.

call it cliche but it was perfect for you both.

chan wrapped an arm around you as you both stared into the night sky, all the stars displayed beautifully.

he would point at a random star and say it reminded him of you, because it stood out from the rest, distinct, but perfect in his eyes.

he was the sweetest guy ever, perfectly fitting the standard for what’s considered boyfriend material, almost unrealistic, even.

“youre a person worth crossing an ocean for.” you told him more then truthfully, bringing a hand up to softly stroke his cheek.

“out of all the stars in the sky, youre the only one id pick.” he cringed realizing how corny it was. “too cheesy?”

“just enough.” you reassured, before sealing both yours and his lips into a warm and comforting kiss. chan had never felt safer in another’s embrace.

“waiting 21 days isnt so bad if itll always end like this.”

[mynameismckenziemae]

Okay, hear me out (I know okay, I know I need to work in my current WIPs but but but but…)

This is WaspIke . He’s a Service pupper who serves on the USS Wasp. (His rank is listed as LCDR (lieutenant commander) 🤭).

And… here is where the idea comes in. (And god, my brain needs to chill but I can’t help it, especially when it’s fluffy fluff.)

The Navy is complex. The Daggers are not just a permanent Squadron at Miramar (which is not Navy anymore so technically, they’d probably work out of NAS Lemoore, btw but I digress), but they’ve also been assigned to a specific aircraft carrier. It’s fiction, so one can make up a name.

The carrier has been accepted as part of the Mutts With A Mission program, thus, it’s been assigned a pupper. The pupper would have a handler, of course. And they’re civilian. (Yes, I already researched this. There are civilian contractors aboard those ships and carriers although most work in technical/engineering fields or for MWR.)

Ahhhh… I’m getting sidetracked omg. My brain is a bit all over the place today. I’m sorry.

Okay…

Aircraft carrier.

Service pupper.

Civilian handler.

And one day, the first day actually, the pupper runs up to this tall dude with glasses, almost knocks him over because the pup’s handler has thrown a toy and it went farther than anticipated. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. The sun was in my eyes. Are you okay?”

The voice is sweet, amused, but also apologetic. And once Bob finds his bearings after being taken off guard that there’s a golden retriever on the ship (what?), he turns to the voice, holds his breath because woahhhh. “Uhm…” Bob is legit lost for words. First a pupper and now a beautiful woman dressed in civilian clothing. “Are you lost, ma’am?” Are you lost? Of course, she’s lost Floyd, jfc. Bob scolds himself mentally. The carrier is still docked and there are tours of the ship today as part of Fleet Week. Even so, this area is restricted to civilians.

“What? No. Actually, we’re checking out our second home, aren’t we Morla? Yes we are.”

Bob watches as Morla rolls over, accepting belly scritches like it’s totally normal to get belly scritches on an aircraft carrier. “Your second home?”

There’s a soft laugh, bright eyes scanning over Bob. “Yes. Morla is part of the Mutts With A Mission program.” You stretch out your hand, introduce yourself and Bob gently squeezes your hand in return. “I’m a veterinary assistant on base. In order for Morla to be part of the program, she needs a handler, preferably with a background in veterinary care so, I applied. And here we are. Didn’t think they’d process my paperwork this fast, so I’m scrambling to get to know the crew and ship. It’s a lot, really. But I’m part of the upcoming deployment. At least, Morla and I have our own room. Which by the way I hope we didn’t take from someone else. That would suck. I know space is a luxury on these ships. My dad was in the navy. So I know a few things… and… I’m talking too much, aren’t I? Gosh I’m sorry. First, Morla almost knocks you over and now, you’re listening to me go on and on, and I didn’t even ask for your name.”

Bob is still holding your hand, and now he’s laughing softly, cause how adorable are you. Honestly, you could’ve continued on and on. He wouldn’t have minded at all. But he’s volunteered to be a guide today and the next group will be here in ten minutes and he still has to get the welcome packets. “I’m Lieutenant Floyd.”

“Nice to meet you Lieutenant Floyd.” You smile and Bob is finally snapping out of it, slowly lets go of your hand.

He inhales sharply, chuckles when Morla bumps your hand with her head. And then he has a lightbulb moment. “The next group should be here soon, you know, for a tour of the ship. If you like, you and Morla can join us.”

You smile grows wider. “That sounds like a great idea, actually. I swear, I got turned around five times before I found the right way to the upper deck. Please tell me we’re stopping by the galley. I need a coffee. And something to snack on. Honestly considering on making a travel bag with snacks. I might starve to death if I ever get lost on this ship.”

Bob chuckles. There you go again. Talking away. But he already likes it. You’re already the energetic Yang to his quiet Yin. “Not to worry. I’ll show you how to read the plaques by the stairs so you’ll always know which deck and section of the ship you’re on.”

1. Where did you get video of my dog? Because WaspIke is a doppelgänger to my Holley.

2. I LOVE THIS IDEA SO MUCH! Morla 😍 and the meet cute and the Yang to his yin? I love the bubbly, energetic, talkative personality with his quiet, subdued one

3. Write this. Right. Now.

[thatgoblin]

Summary: When Simon leaves you and John alone for a quick visit with an old friend, you two get closer with a night under the stars.

Warnings: nsfw, smut, fingering, groping, handjob.

A/N: Here is some balm for those angst wounds my bbs.

~~::~~::~~

Simon was out of town for a week, visiting an old military friend who was needing some help with things that were hush hush. We couldn’t just pack up and leave everything, not to mention I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought of meeting their close friends after meeting him so soon, so John and I stayed behind to take care of the ranch. 

After dinner and showers, John was making me get dressed when it got dark outside. I wasn’t sure why, but he kept saying it was necessary. 

“Okay, okay,” I said with a huff as I pulled on a pair of thick pajama pants and grabbed my coat. “God, you’re just as bad as Simon when you both want something.”

“Oh no, he’s much worse. If I was Simon, I’d pick you up and carry you out,” John said with a chuckle as he grabbed a blanket from my room. 

“True,” I said with a nod, shoving my feet into my Bearclaw boots.They were soft and lined with thick wool to keep my feet from getting cold. It was mid October and the temperatures were getting close to freezing. Slipping my coat on, I zipped it up before following John outside. He had his own warm clothes on with a pair of boots as he took my hand to lead me out into the yard. Looking up at the sky, he squinted a bit before moving over a bit more. 

“Perfect,” he said with a grin. Tossing out the blanket, he spread it over the ground. “Go ahead, lay down.” 

“Is this where you kill me and hide my body in the woods?” I asked, sitting down before laying as he requested. 

“Of course not,” John said, giving me a wink as he joined me. “That’s later in winter when it’s easier to hide the body.”

“I knew it,” I said, giggling as I moved to rest my head against his chest. “So, what are we doing out here?”

“It’s supposed to be really clear out tonight and you can see the constellations much more than usual,” he said, pointing up with one hand and wrapping his other arm around me to hold me close. “See? Right there is Pegasus. The winged horse.” I followed his finger as he traced the stars for me, seeing the horse shape easily.

“Isn’t that a thing from Greece?” I asked, looking at all the stars above us as they twinkled. Some were brighter than others, like the Pegasus stars.

“Yeah. In Greek mythology, he was a white, winged horse that was born from Medusa, the gorgan, who was beheaded by the hero Perseus. Pegasus’ father was the ocean god, Poseidon, and he had a brother too. Most of the stories are about Pegasus really, not a lot about his brother,” John said.

“How do you know so much about that?” I asked, turning to look at him. 

“I have astronomy and history hobbies,” John said with a hum. “I read about the planets and solar systems and stars, then that spilled over into what ancient societies would assign to the stars. After years of learning about all of this, I found out that it didn’t matter where in the world it came from, everything was similar somehow. I fell in love with Greek mythology first and then Persian mythology, then so on. Everyone wants to explain everything or give it a label. Not because it’s supposed to be that, but because the unknown is scary. If you have a name, then you’re not as unsettling as something that is a mystery.”

“Does every star have a name?” I asked.

“No, but they’re being named every day. A lot of the closer ones that make up the shapes we see have stories and tales that people told to explain them and I find them just as romantic as the actual science behind them,” he said. “Others are able to be named through a program that you can actually purchase. I don’t care about that though. If a star is named John or Bob or Mike, it doesn’t have any bearing on what the star means or does.”

“I didn’t know that. I mean, I didn’t know there was so much history behind just naming the stars and how they’re put into shapes and such,” I said as I looked over the night sky to try to see what he saw. “I always like the Grimm Brothers fairy tales myself. Rapunzel, Snow White and Rose Red, Rumpelstiltskin, those stories.”

“Isn’t Snow White a different story from Rose Red?” John asked.

“Two different Snow Whites,” I said with a giggle. “The Snow White and Rose Red story is of two young sisters that do everything together and are always kind and gentle and take care of their mother. The forest animals love them too. One night in winter, a bear comes into their cottage to get warm and he stays with them for the winter before leaving in the spring. They go about their business constantly running into this dwarf they help out of sticky situations till the bear shows up again and kills the dwarf. Turns out the dwarf put a spell on the bear and he was really a handsome prince. He married Snow White and his brother married Rose Red.”

“He could have married them both, but I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have been as fun as everyone getting their own prince,” John said with a chuckle.

“I liked it because no matter what happened, the girls were kind to everything, even when the dwarf was being a shit,” I said. “I could care less on getting a prince, I wanted to hear about people who were good for the sake of being good and being rewarded in kind for it.”

“Too bad no one picked up on that story,” John said. “That’s a lot less creepy than Snow White.”

“I know!” I said, sitting up to look at him. “I saw that movie as a kid and was creeped out. Like why are you kissing some dead girl?” John laughed, pulling me back down to him.

“You know, sometimes you’re too smart for your own good,” he said, giving me a squeeze. We went quiet, enjoying each other’s company as we stared up at the stars. Being alone with John was very different than being alone with Simon. Simon was calm, serious, and cared deeply for both of us. While John was more textbook romantic with flirting and acts of affection and outgoing. I appreciated the differences with both of them, enjoying the dynamic it gave our lives. I adored them both together, but it was also nice to have one on one time with them.

After John had come home from his trip, we had our own moment of our first kiss. It was different from Simon’s for sure. Simon had held me for a long time, kissing me whenever he got the chance over the night and into the next day. John nuzzled and pressed soft kisses to my face and lips whenever he could. With the good morning kisses they had, I was then included. It had become second nature for the quick moments to be shared without a second thought and I loved it. 

While I wasn’t ready for any big steps, I felt like a curious teenager. I didn’t have the courage to ask for much, but I liked being able to feel their bare chest and lay on them. 

“What’s going on inside that head of yours?” John asked, breaking me from my thoughts. 

“Hmm? Oh, uh. . . Honestly?” I said, moving to sit up to look at him.

“I’d hope you’d be honest,” he said with a smile, his face lit up by the back porch and the bright moonlight. It was like a scene from a movie, the way the shadows played on his face while his eyes twinkled. I could have stared at him for hours, drinking in his aura and handsome features. 

“I was thinking about kissing you,” I said, feeling my cheeks heat up in the cool night air. “Maybe. . . A bit more too.” John pushed himself up on his elbows to study me a moment before a smirk tugged at his lips. 

“Do you want to have a kiss and a cuddle with me?” He asked, raising his brows.

“Yeah, I mean, if that means make out. Like, kissing and touching each other.” I said, rolling my eyes and feeling the awkwardness of asking for it envelope me. 

“Okay, you don’t have to sound so excited about it,” he said with a chuckle, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. 

“Shush,” I huffed, bapping his chest. “How do we do that out here? I mean, it’s nice under the stars and all, but I can’t figure out the logistics. . . help,” I said, feeling my whole face burn at that. Romance was too hard.

“Aw, Love,” John said, trying not to chuckle as he sat up more, pulling me into his lap. “It’s okay. Let Daddy help.”

“I swear to everything holy, if you call yourself Daddy again I am locking you outside,” I said, looking at him wide eyed. That was not something I needed to think about or ponder at that moment.. 

“You’d let me in, you can’t sleep alone,” he said with a chuckle.

“It’s still a valid threat,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him as I pressed our foreheads together.

“I know,” he hummed, leaning in to close the space between our lips. I never could help the small hum that came from me when one of the boys kissed me like that. Slow and gentle. It was my favorite kind. Instead of pulling away for a moment, John kept us together. The kiss deepened and turned into our lips moving against each other. He tasted like cinnamon and tobacco, making me want to taste more of him. Tentatively, I swiped my tongue over his lips, eliciting a moan from him that I’d never heard before. 

I swore I could feel the sound go right through me, driving me to go further as I let my hands wander over his body. We were in thick coats so it was hard to really feel delicate touches, but I could feel his hands weaving into my hair and running down my back. His tongue tested the waters by darting out to touch my lips. I sighed, opening them to let him in. John didn’t hesitate, groaning as he began to explore me further. Panting, I couldn’t get enough of him. My skin felt like it was gasping for air, suffocating under my clothes. John was just as needy, holding me close and helping me move to straddle him. It was much more comfortable and gave us easier access to each other. 

His hands moved to my waist as I gripped his shoulders to help steady myself to keep from sitting on him completely. The longer we were out there, kissing deeper, the hotter it got. My body began to ache for his touch, skin on skin contact, and I was starting to make noises I hadn’t before. Whimpers and small whines as he nipped at my lips, moving to my neck and earlobe as his heavy breaths carried his groans of pleasure to my ears. 

“We should go inside,” I managed to get out, knowing it was getting colder and as much fun as we were having to stay warm in our isolation, I felt too exposed. “I wanna keep going inside though.”

“Anything you want,” John said with a groan, helping me stand. Quickly, he grabbed the blanket before we walked back into the house. While he checked the doors as he usually did, I hung up our jackets and put our boots away. It didn’t take but a second to get back to our previous position on the couch. We were less dressed and in a more comfortable position, making it easier to feel how much John was enjoying this. His hands went back to my hips as we locked lips again, but this time I placed my hands over his to slowly guide them up and over my belly to cup my chest under my sleep shirt. 

I shivered, my nipples turning into hard pebbles against his warm palms as we took a second to look at one another. Silently asking if we were both okay with this. I licked my lips as I nodded slightly.

“I trust you,” I said softly. John smiled up at me, humming before his hands moved around to my back, pulling me to him for a kiss. My hands wove into his hair as we continued to kiss. I hadn’t even realized I had started to rock my hips, stirring both of us on. Soon, he was pulling my shirt up and off. I raised my hands to help, letting him take a moment to look me over. I knew I didn’t have the perfect body that he and Simon had. The insecurities of my appearance were shoved in my face abruptly as John’ eyes roamed my body. “I can lose the weight if you want me to,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. Self Conscious and worried while getting wound up had not been my plan, but there we were. 

“What? Why?” John said, frowning as he looked up at me. “You’re gorgeous the way you are right now. This very moment, you are the most enticing creature I’ve ever seen.” He wasn’t lying. John wasn’t as blunt as Simon, but he didn’t sugarcoat things either. “I want to pleasure you all night long if you’ll let me. I want to explore your body and find more spots that trigger those delicious noises you’ve been making. Right now, I want you more than I’ve wanted anything else.”

“Wow,” I breathed as we locked eyes. “You really know how to make someone feel special.” I giggled softly as he ghosted his hands over my back. It made me arch into him, shivering from the possibilities. “I want you too.”

“Good,” John said before kissing me. This time it was hard and dominating. Not rough, but he was clearly in charge. I whined as a hand found my chest again, squeezing it and rubbing the pad of his thumb over my nipple while his other hand grabbed my ass to pull our hips flush. Moaning, we began to rock against each other. My mind was becoming hazy and this need deep in my belly was encouraging me to go further. 

“John,” I moaned as he pulled away to wrap his lips around one of my nipples. “Yes, oh fuck yes,” I panted as he swirled his tongue around a hard nub as a hand pinched and rubbed the other. He began switching between the two sensitive points as I clung to him as he kept working me into a tizzy.

“Can you feel how bad I want you?” He asked, letting go to look up at me. “Can you feel how much you make me wild for you?” I could definitely feel it as his bulge was straining through his shorts that I had damn near soaked through. 

“Yeah, I can feel you. I wanna feel more,” I panted, nipping at his lips. Not missing a beat, John stood up suddenly while still holding me. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, holding on as he carried me up the stairs to our room. He laid me on the bed before I let go. Peeling his shirt off, I groaned at the sight, fully seeing his arousal tenting his shorts. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for being with him completely, wanting Simon to be there as well. It didn’t feel right to have that moment with just one of my Alphas. I needed both of them there. 

Licking my lips, I watched as he stood there next to the bed. He oozed confidence in his stance as he hooked his thumbs into his shorts and underwear, pulling them down while keeping eye contact with me. I couldn’t stop the moan when I saw his cock. It was hard and beautiful. I’d seen quite a few in magazines and on the internet, but they looked so fake and unreal that it didn’t work in most of my fantasies. 

John, though, his was real. It even curved a bit at the end. I wanted to touch it and see what it felt like. 

“You look hungry, Love,” John said with a smirk. “Is this your first cock?” I nodded as I sat up, watching him stroke himself a few times. “Well then, let me show you how to work it.” Crawling onto the bed, he caught my lips with a harsh kiss before he laid next to me. I curled up to him, laying my head on his shoulder. “Go on, I know you want to touch it,” he groaned. I couldn’t help the press of my hips against his side at his words. Reaching out, I let my fingers stroke his erection. The skin was soft and as I began to grip him, I could feel him twitch under my touch. “That’s it, good Kitten. Stroke it just like that,” he moaned.

It was almost uncomfortable for my own hand to grasp him and pull. Without thinking, I let go to pull my hand up and licked it before grasping him again. John hissed as I stroked him, having a much easier time. I liked the feel of him in my hand, the noises he made from me doing almost nothing was a power trip of sorts. I was the one making him hard and coaxing those noises of pleasure from him. 

“Is that how you like it?” I asked, tilting my head to murmur in his ear. “You like it when I stroke you like that?” Omegas were supposed to be submissive by nature and beg for Alphas or Betas to knot them, but there I was, asking my Alpha if he liked how I was getting him off. Not to make sure he was enjoying it, but in a power move that I was going to wield without mercy over both Simon and John in the bedroom. “Is that how my Alpha likes his cock touched?”

“Oh, you are going to get it,” John moaned. In a split second, the tables were turned. He pinned me to the bed, easily getting between my legs as he held my hands above my head. “You act all innocent, but then you start talking like you’ve done this before. Should know better than to tease your Alpha like this,” he groaned into my ear as his free hand toyed with the hem of my shorts and underwear. “I’ll milk that sass from you till you’re mewling and begging for an orgasm.”

How the actual fuck did this man just make me nearly cum from words alone? 

I could only moan as he teased me, just barely hooking a finger into the hem of my shorts and pulling them away from me a bit. Cool air rushed in and I couldn’t stop the gasp as I started to struggle. There was no fear that he’d hurt me or do something I didn’t want. Over the last month and a half, we all had learned to read each other well enough. 

“John, fuck, please,” I whimpered as I arched my hips up to try and get him to pull off that last barrier sticking to me. 

“Please what?” He asked with a chuckle. “What does my Kitten want?”

“Please, I need to feel your hands,” I groaned, getting no relief as he kept me pinned. 

“Just my hands?” He asked, nuzzling my neck to nip at it lightly.

“Uh huh,” I nodded, turning to let him have more access to my hot skin. Not waiting any longer, John let go of me to pull back. He adjusted himself to pull my shorts off, taking in my naked body as he tossed them to the side. 

“Oh, my goodness,” he said with a smirk. “Someone is soaking wet. I bet, even after the bed dries, Simon is still going to smell you and know that you were in our bed like this and it was all for me.”

The thought of Simon rutting into the bed had me nearly losing my mind. I needed to cum and John was drawing it out like a pro. 

“Fuck,” I groaned. “Please. I’m achin’.”

“I know you are, Sweetheart” John said as he crawled over me, kissing me as he pulled my hips to his. I swallowed a scream as his cock slid against my wetness, making me buck up hard. 

“John!” I sobbed as he pulled away. “Please!” 

“Shhh, I’ve got you,” he said, moving to lay next to me. A few moments of adjusting our position and he was laying on his side next to me while I was still on my back. His cock pressed into my hip as his fingers dragged themselves down my body to where I needed them the most. I spread my legs, grasping the sheets next to me with one hand and curling my other arm around John’s as he ran a finger over my slick mound. Agonizingly slow, he pushed into me. Nearly going cross eyed with pleasure, I groaned and spread my legs wider. “Someone’s eager,” he said with a chuckle in my ear. “So wet and damn near gushing with just one finger. I don’t know if you’re going to last through much else.”

Pulling his finger out, he dragged it to my clit that he circled and rubbed. I sobbed as he kept repeating thost actions over and over while I clung to him. Shaking and panting, I needed more. I felt empty and needed more than just a slow finger.

“John, fuck,” I managed. “Please, Alpha. I need more than just one finger.”

“Okay, Darling, hold on,” he grunted as he added a second finger. John stopped the slow tease and began to thrust his fingers into me, his palm rubbing my clit with each movement. 

“Yes!” I cried, arching up my hips, letting him get a new angle. “Oh god, yes. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop, John.” It didn’t take long before I was suddenly screaming as I came around his fingers. My body tried to knot the two fingers in me, but couldn’t. It made for a shorter orgasm, but fuck if it didn’t satisfy. Laying there, I shook and shivered as I rode out my pleasure, panting hard next to John.

“Good Kitten,” John purred as he kissed my head, slowly pulling his fingers from me. “Such a good Kitten, cumming for me.” 

“Mmmm, Alpha,” I groaned, my brain going into a lulled state of needing the other. I knew he hadn’t cum yet, knowing he was holding off, but I wanted him. I wanted to touch him, wanted to see him finish. Reaching down, I got my hand wet with my own slick before turning onto my side. John frowned a moment before I took his cock in hand and began to stroke him.

“Fuck,” he hissed, letting his eyes close as he rocked his hips into my hand. 

“Scent me,” I moaned softly. “Cum on me and scent me, Alpha.” I stroked him, twisting my hand over his sensitive head as I watched his mouth open as he panted. “Please Alpha? Please cum on me,” I whined as I sped up my strokes. 

“Lay on your back,” he growled softly, pulling away. John climbed up to straddle my thighs. Getting more of my slick, he used it on himself as he jerked himself off. He was close, his movements becoming more rigid and his breathing heavier. His cock began to swell, trying to knot his hand as he came hard. Thick, white ropes splashed over my belly and groin as John growled. He looked down at me, groaning at the sight of me splayed out, covered in my own cum and his. “You’re going to drive me mad, Love,” he moaned as he flopped next to me. 

“Right back at ya,” I groaned. A moment of catching our breath led to John spooning me from behind, his knot slipped between my thighs to have a mock hole of sorts. It was too hot for covers, letting our scents mingle and spread through the house. While I would have liked to have showered and changed the sheets, I was in no condition to do much more than lay in bed. John smeared his cum over my belly, scenting me further before settling with an arm around me with a hand holding a breast. 

As much as I thought I should have stayed awake and talked through the whole process with John, I was exhausted. My first sexual experience had been mind blowing and not once had I questioned if I would regret it. John had made me feel valid, making sure with small questions and touches that I wanted to go further. Every step forward had been because I wanted it. I had been in control and that was what I needed. He cared for me and not once did he seem impatient or that he wanted to use me. You did that for someone you trusted and wanted and. . . 

The thought scared me, making me worry, but my tired brain accepted it so easily.

“John? You still awake?” I asked softly.

“Mmmm,” he hummed against my neck as he was nuzzled it. 

“Night,” I said, chickening out at the last moment. 

“Night,” he mumbled. 

‘I love you.’ I mouthed, smiling softly before letting sleep take over.

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Taglist: @birdstoprey @sebbytheraccoon @pricescigar @alwaysshallow @sae1kie @sleepydang @lexi-zsy09 @ghostlywhiskey @ghosts-cyphera @poohkie90 @neothewitch @shadofireshinobi @sadslasher13 @0alk0msan @xaestheticalien

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[herofics]

Long distance, feat Gojo

A/N: I moved to a new city for school earlier this week, and I’m living alone for the first time ever, like actually alone. I don’t know anyone here, since most of my school buddies don’t live here either, and I’m actually feeling pretty lonely already. I used to see my BFF almost every day when we still lived in the same town, so I’m feeling pretty lonely right now. I might see her next week, but we’ll see. Anyway, I wanted to write something with Gojo about this, so here I go. This is set in when Gojo was in his early twenties, same for the reader

You were sitting in your new apartment, surrounded by boxes full of your things. It was a bit chilly since the previous tenant had turned the heat almost off when they had left. Gojo hadn’t been able to help you move your stuff, since he was on a mission, but you’d managed with the help of your friends.

Now they had all left, and you were sitting on your bed in the empty apartment, wondering if this was a good idea after all. You had finished your studies at Jujutsu High some years ago, and after that you had been a bit lost with what you wanted to do with your life. You didn’t want to be a jujutsu sorcerer, you didn’t have the constitution for such a job, but you also didn’t know what else you could do. At least not until about a half a year ago.

You had applied to study sociology at a university away from Tokyo. You had gotten in on a trial basis, which meant you had to complete enough credits in a half a year to get into the degree program. You’d studied hard and gotten all the credits you needed, so you’d been in the degree program for about three months now. The commute was a real pain in the ass, so you had decided you wanted to move to the city the university was in.

You’d found an apartment, and now you were sitting there, alone. The reality of how alone you were was really settling in. Your family was in your hometown, and everything else you’d ever know, was in Tokyo, and you weren’t. Maybe you were finally an adult, living away from the small town you’d grown up in and the city where you lived your high school years. This certainly wasn’t dorm life anymore.

You laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. You missed Gojo already, even though it had only been about a day since you last saw each other. Just like that, your phone lit up with his name on the screen.

“Oh thank god” you muttered as you picked up the phone and answered the call with a chipper: “Hi”

“You settling in okay?” he asked.

“I guess” you sighed. “It’s just…”

“What is it doll? Something bothering you?”

“Well, kinda yeah… I never realized how lonely it would feel, being away from you and everyone else. I just saw you yesterday and I already feel like we haven’t talked in weeks” you chuckled wryly.

“I’m sorry I can’t be there with you, I’ll see you tomorrow though, if the mission ends by then”

“Yeah, I know. Do you think we can make this long distance thing work?”

“Of course we can doll. It’s us, we can make anything work” Gojo said cheerfully.

“Except for that one Ikea shelf” you joked.

“Except for that one Ikea shelf” Gojo sighed in defeat.

“You’re really not very good at building things, but it was fun to watch” you laughed.

“Well I’m glad you had fun” you could basically hear Gojo roll his eyes over the phone.

Gojo smiled as he heard your laughter over the phone. He missed you already, even though it hadn’t even been a day since you last saw each other. Gojo wanted to support you and your dreams, so he would never have told you not to go and study, even though it was pretty far away from him. He just knew he was going to miss you a lot, he already felt like it had been forever since he had held you in his arms.

Someone tapped Gojo’s shoulder to get his attention, probably to tell him it was time to go.

“I gotta go, sorry doll. I’ll see you soon” Gojo promised.

“Be safe, love you” you told him.

“I will, love you too” 

After Gojo hung up, you exhaled deeply and sat up on the bed. You knew he was going to be extra clingy when he was eventually able to come over, because he hadn’t seen you in a while. You were actually looking forward to it. Maybe it wasn’t going to be so bad. You would get a lot of alone time, and Gojo would most likely be at your place every minute he possibly could.

“The distance makes the heart grow fonder, huh” you muttered.

You really hoped that would be the case.

[icantalk710]

Bit of a heavier day today; grandma was de-intubated and passed away maybe 20 mins later after breathing on her own, which was long enough for her to know she had her family at her side voicing and crying their love for her. I was relatively prepared for this because her health had been trending negatively for several months--she had an oxygen machine my mom would apply if she was having trouble breathing for almost two years, and the first of two times she'd been taken to the ER in two months in mid August (the second time in Sept would lead to this) it was such a struggle first walking her down to the clinic down the block because she'd get winded every few steps--so I've more or less processed the inevitability of it all and am mostly okay, but while we haven't been super emotionally close, it still stings a bit all the same.

Especially with how overwhelmed my mom became, naturally of course being her daughter who has done so much in the last 5+ years of her living with us (prior to that she'd have spent half the year maybe in the Dominican Republic) to take care of her and all.

I did tear up a little as I shared a simplified version of this on IG earlier, thinking of the juxtaposition of a smiling birthday cake photo vs the image of seeing her that first time in the hospital weeks back with all of those tubes and the machine's beeping, as she eventually got to where she was breathing around 3% on her own, her hands and arms and eventually feet swelling so much. Or the image of how pale she got not long after being given an oxygen mask.

But through it all, through the machine breathing and all, she was strong 'til the end, when she peacefully went with us there with her. Thinking of Vampire Weekend's Capricorn here, "I know you're tired of trying; listen clearly, you don't have to try..."

Now, to live on for her with the memories in tow. The smile she'd have when I came to visit or when she'd watch "the program" (Let's Make a Deal, Price is Right, or Exalton on Telemundo), those scrambled eggs she'd cook for my rice when I'd visit her in DR as a kid, the cute way she'd dance to some merengue music, and things in between. I just hope she's spiritually on her way back to DR like she's wanted for so long, and as I think she physically will be soon, if not under the most ideal circumstances.

1/8/36 - 10/31/24

Bye (for now), abuela 🕊❤🕊

[estro-gem]

Zooble x Pomni (Platonic): Build the bridge to burn another.

Author's note:

Friends! Friends friends friendsfriendsfriendsfri-

Okay, now that that's out of my system, I present to you; probably the most unpopular pairing to exist in this fandom! In this AU, I've always seen them being very good friends that will insult each other to their hearts content. Neither backing down or holding back and definitely no false pretension.

I might be one of the few who supports this pairing. Zooble has no time for bulsh*t and Pomni is continuously losing her sh*t.

It's perfect, I tell you, PERFECT👌

And finally, Caine is mentioned in more than two sentences. I'm not going to go beyond what I'm about to say: It's a slow start. Interpret it any way you want. :)

That is all.

Warnings:

Not recommended for minors or readers that are sensitive about mental illness, psychotic episodes and existentialism. This story also contains ANGST:

Psychotic episodes

Dissociation

Depressive episodes

Suicidal thoughts

Triggers

Foul/suggestive language.

Fun fact: I almost sent myself down a very dark, familiar hole while writing about Pomni's mindset. I'm ok, though!

SUMMARY:

Pomni is having a hard time after an interesting and revealing conversation she had with Caine. To make matters worse, the jester is pushed to her limit by Zooble's shameless, apathetic mannerisms. She would never understand why they suddenly wouldn't leave her alone, after weeks of receiving the cold shoulder.

BUILD THE BRIDGE TO BURN ANOTHER

Pomni was frozen in place as she desperately tried to wrap her head around the situation that she found herself in.

It was a tough morning leading up to this point, having had little-to-no sleep the night before. It was odd; everyone kept telling her that she technically didn’t need sleep and sustenance, but she felt tired. She was exhausted to say the least. It came to a point where her new life was just floating by with each passing moment, as if she was a mere spectator.

At least, it made things easier to move along, only to start off with the next thing.

The night before, Caine, the ringmaster himself, pulled Pomni aside. She didn’t know if she’d ever get used to the fact that he looked like a pair of glass eyes that were accidentally misplaced in a set of dentures, but beyond that; he had thoughts and opinions, like a human had. It was hard to believe that he was one of the few individuals that she interacted with daily, that weren’t human, but advanced A.I.

While it was miracle, he was horrifying, like a monster from an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog.

How did she recall a television show, but not her own name?

“Pomni! How is our newest member of The Amazing Digital Circus adjusting to her brand-new life in the Digital Plain?” He enthusiastically spoke, like the showman he was programmed to be.

“Uh…” poorly.

There was no question about it; she was adjusting poorly, but she didn’t trust him as far as she could throw him, “I’m alive… I guess?”

“Why wouldn’t you know… you are right!” Caine triumphantly bellowed, before leaning in too close for the jester’s comfort, “At this rate, you just might beat the record of characters who held out the longest without dying when they first arrived.”

“Wait a minute!” the fool interrupted him just before he could say anything else, “We can die here? Like, pushing up daisies? Final breath and all?”

“Of course, you can! Once your health bar runs empty, you die.” Caine said with an inappropriate amount of chipper.

Pomni felt something foreign rise withing her chest. It felt like hope, with an overwhelming, bitter aftertaste of mind-numbing dread. She found her mind darting to a very dark place – a place she never thought to find herself in. If death was an outcome in this world… and others have died before her…

Did she find an escape, after all?

“Don’t look so disturbed, my dear.” Caine’s light pat on her shoulder ripped her back into reality, as his touch, although artificial, left her flinching into herself. He seemingly paid her reaction no mind. “It will only be a for a few moments! After that, you will respawn and stumble your way back into the position you were before you died – or well, sometimes you’ll respawn a few feet away from that position, but my point still stands!”

The foreign feeling within Pomni instantly dissipated into a bland numbness. Of course, there was a respawn mechanic; how could she ever believe otherwise? In her excitement, she didn’t even consider the logistics of the other characters still being there. Caine’s statement about ‘’holding out for the longest’ suddenly made more sense, but she didn’t like that it did.

There truly was no escape from The Amazing Digital Circus.

Caine’s interrogative questions didn’t end there, but she couldn’t remember much anyway. She vaguely remembered that the ringmaster asked her if her room was to her liking and if she had made any friends so far. His questions were interluded with a monologue following each short answer she gave. She was sure to answer whatever it took to get away and hide in her room as soon as possible.

As it came to be, the jester soon realized that it was foolish for her to have thought that she would be able to keep up a normative façade for that long.

It was an effort to swim through the stale molasses that her mind had become in such a short time.

At one point, she didn’t bother responding, but for a moment, something had her believe that Caine’s tone eventually lost its enthusiasm and greatly decreased in volume. Maybe, at one point, he just stared at her with some unseen form of disdain, but she wouldn’t know – she was too far withing the depths of her mind’s molasses; drowning.

Drowning with the inability to die, forever preserved in the heavy sludge.

Unable to swim up for air. Unable to degrade into the depths.

And yet…

Caine somehow managed to pull her back for brief moments that were long enough for her to have a series of small, fleeting, but coherent thoughts. It was ironic that the showman managed to gain the most attention when growing silent and unenthused. If Pomni had known any better, she would believe that he was being empathetic; helplessly dragged down by the jester’s empty husk that simply chose to stare back at him.

But Pomni did know better.

The ringmaster was probably programmed with a series of reactions and animations in response to people not following the prompt that he gave. She didn’t care at the time, and she doesn’t care now. An A.I. couldn’t feel anything… and at that moment, Pomni hated the fact that she could empathize with Caine too.

She couldn’t feel anything.

SHE COULDN’T FEEL ANYTHING.

It took a moment for Pomni to realize, but Caine was suddenly gone. She couldn’t tell how much time had passed, but she found herself alone in the uncomfortably large common area. It should have been unnerving just how quiet it suddenly was, but the numbness clung to damper the little fool’s emotions.

She looked down at her hands and flexed her fingers before her mind could command them to do so. It was as if she was separated yet housed within her own body as a spectator. Her legs started moving, but she didn’t know or care where they were taking her. She just knew that she was moved by her body’s own tuition.

The hallway leading to their rooms slowly came into view. It was small, but a comforting feeling gently caressed Pomni’s otherwise distant heart. She was finally able to collapse in her room!

She walked down the hall with no thoughts beyond whatever came into view.

The sounds of struggling and inhuman screaming didn’t phase her too much, until her slow mind comprehended that Jax was fighting and thrashing in retaliation for being intimately intwined with the ribbons of Gangle.

The jester had never seen the smug rabbit act as he did then. He was beyond himself – as mindless as a brick – and desperate. It was unmistakable that he was desperate as he relentlessly fought and reached for the door in front of him. His pupils were blown, and his jaw was slack, causing only the tips of his teeth to gleam in a menacing taunt. The rabbit’s body was practically bulging as the limbs fought against the mighty restraints, but only able to occasionally have his claw nick the door before him.

The door was littered with deep gashes that left small trenches within the sold wood. There were splinters and wood shavings laying at the foot of the door, while long, spindling spirals sprouted from the flat surface. Additional to the craving into the wood, the profile hanging on the front of the character’s room was also assaulted.

Three ugly gashes ran down Ragatha’s face.

It was only a matter of moments before the fighting evolved into the quiet sound of panting and incomprehensible, murmured whispers.

Finally… FINALLY, the confusion sparked Pomni’s mind back into action and she was met with Gangle’s displeased reaction upon spotting her. She dragged Jax down the hall to disappear into her room, followed by Ragatha leaving her room to inspect the damage to her door as if nothing was wrong. The conversation the girls had, was only effective in highlighting two things that Pomni already knew.

Ragatha was delusional beyond help.

Pomni had enough for one day.

While sleep didn’t claim her that night, the little jester’s quiet, dark room was welcoming.

…

Morning came too soon for her liking, and while her mind was clearer than the night before, Pomni’s motivation to get up and leave the confines of her room was unfounded. She did eventually leave to find herself idly waiting in the main area, but she couldn’t understand why.

There was no aim – there was no goal.

There was no end and there was no point in anything. She never thought that she would long for the privilege to say that she would simply live until the day she died. There was no end. She would live this life day after day, for eternity, with no purpose.

It was an endless desert with no end to its borders. Only the merciless sun in the empty sky, with sand dunes that stretched into the ether of the unseen horizon. Growing taller and taller, the dunes loomed over Pomni, who was sinking into the golden sand.

It was then, when a soft voice shook her to her core, effectively ripping her out of her own mind. Pomni was left frozen in the situation she found herself in.

“You really opt to live on the edge, huh?” Zooble spoke with a bemused tone as she stood behind Pomni, with her weight shifted onto one leg.

The jester didn’t mean to, but she swung around so fast, that she lost balance and stumbled forward. She knocked into Zooble before they could react, and they both ended up sprawled out on the floor. Profusely apologizing, Pomni got to work. literally picking up the pieces of Zooble, who’s only complaint was an eyeroll. The little fool’s mind was rushed into a blind panic. She didn’t know how to comprehend the situation; if the abomination fell apart on a regular basis or if it was painful? Traumatic?

“I’m so, so sorry!” Pomni said, cringing as she held the arm and leg out to Zooble, hating how they still wriggled and resembled someone’s touch despite being severed from the body.

“Ugh, would you quit it?” the Zolo-being scoffed, “You totally ruined the vibes-”

“I know! I- I don’t know what came over me, I just lost balance and-”

“Ok, first of all…” Zooble cut off Pomni’s rambling as they stood up having been reassembled once again, “…you don’t interrupt me. You got that, pipsqueak?”

Pomni nodded, “I’m sorry, I-”

“I’m still not finished.” the colourful character interrupted again, with an annoyed, yet even tone. At that time, Pomni reluctantly kept silent as Zooble continued, “Second of all, I can’t be mad at you being a klutz when I literally fall apart every day. Forget about it. Lastly, the vibes I was referring to, was the depro schtick you got going on before. I was digging it, and you went and ruined it.”

There was a silence that stretched for a moment, as Pomni left enough room for Zooble to add whatever they wished without risking being interrupted again.

“Earth to Pomni?” The Zolo-being waved a hand in front of Pomni’s face, “You good?”

“May I speak now?” Pomni spoke without thinking – her tone a little too hostile for her own liking.

The creature huffed a laugh, “Yo, I like this! Do more of this.”

“More of what?”

“You! More of you!” Zooble shook their head while seemingly getting lost in thought, “You actually have a personality beyond ‘I’m sorry!’ and ‘Woe is me!’”

Something about what Zooble said flipped a switch in Pomni. It was an ugly switch.

Pomni felt the fright and frazzle melt into bitter distaste for Zooble’s implications. Before she could count her words, it just slipped out without warning. She noticed her surprising and unannounced sarcasm a bit too late after the words left her, “Oh geez, thank you! That’s such a thoughtful thing for a rejected arts-and-crafts project to say!”

“Wait, WHAT?” Zooble cried out like a kid in a candy store, before laughing with genuine glee, “Depressed AND sassy? Girl, where have you been?”

Pomni pushed away the urge to apologize for what she said before. Instead, she was dumbstruck with just how… happy Zooble seemed with the situation, “…What is wrong with you?”

This place was demented! These people – if she could even call them that at this point – were all insane. The jester had enough. She didn’t want to be there anymore. Things just HAD to continue in the Digital Ciircus, didn’t it? The show must go on, mustn’t it? Well, Pomni didn’t want a part in it! She just wanted to be somewhere else. She wanted to be something else.

She’s had enough.

She decisively turn on her heels and walked away to spare whatever sanity she had left. It felt good to be MAD. She had reason to be ANGRY and it felt GOOD.

“Wait, Pomni wait!” Zooble stopped her laughter to catch up on Pomni’s strides, “Where are you even going?”

“Anywhere that’s far away from all of you!”

“And you think I’m gonna pass up a chance to ditch?” Zooble walked beside Pomni, who refused to look up at her, “Why are you so triggered anyway?”

Pomni rolled her eyes when she left the tent and sighed in exasperation at the sound of Zooble hot on her tail, “Oh, am I supposed to thank you for calling my personality one dimensional?”

Pomni had no idea where she was going, but she was going somewhere.

“The ‘woe is me’ thing? You know I mentioned two things, right? So that would probably make you…” Zooble sounded much too pleased with herself for Pomni’s tolerance to stand, “…2-dimensional?”

Pomni stopped the throw Zooble a filthy look before eyeing them up and down, “You are unbelievable.”

“And you’re more chill than I thought.”

“What about me WALKING AWAY and wanting to BE ALONE, makes you think that ANY of this is ‘chill?’”

“Well, for one; you are finally done hiding behind that meek little mask of yours.” Zooble said almost accusingly, causing Pomni to stop, but not turn around to look back as Zooble continued, “You grew a pair to finally show just how DONE you are with this place.”

Pomni turned around, “What does it matter? Whether I try to be nice… whether I’m angry or sad – it doesn’t change anything! We are trapped here, and you people just go about your day singing kumbaya?”

“Who knew you’d be this spicy.” Zooble said with a taunting smirk, watching Pomni pour her heart out like it was a comedy show.

“You are insufferable!” Pomni accused, walking up to the Zolo-being and poking them harshly in the chest to emphasize her point. When Zooble didn’t react, she growled and walked off as she did before. She still didn’t know where she was going, but she was too overwhelmed to stop.

Stubborn, as always.

Much to her demise, the character walked after her, unbothered and silent, as if they were simply enjoying a stroll in the green, rolling hills. The jester didn’t bother looking back again. There was no way to leave this realm, anyway; and she highly doubted that Caine would leave her roaming as she pleased for an indefinite amount of time. She was sure he would just summon her at will.

Until then, she would allow herself to breathe.

In any other scenario, Pomni would have allowed her thoughts to drift along the rolling hills she was walking among, but she was too distracted by her outburst. She was climbing a hill, not knowing what she would find on the other side, but she also didn’t want to stop either. Her own resilience was like a puzzle with jagged pieces for her to put together. She was driven to push through obstacle after obstacle, even though she knew – she knew – it was pointless. She was standing with the weight of the world pulling her down.

Why?

The little fool didn’t receive and answer, but she did make it to the top of the hill she was climbing. Standing under the smiling sun, Pomni looked over the vast landscape beyond her vantage point. Her eyes were spoiled with the sight of a great, but quiet lake. She couldn’t remember what real lakes looked like, or most things related to nature, but sight before her felt like a blessing to her overstimulated eyes.

The jester felt her knees buckle, so she sat down in the grass that looked too green to be realistic, while her sights trailed along the silver lining that danced along the water surface. The small waves rustled onto the generous, sandy banks - Pomni’s ears were filled with the sounds of them trickling along the edge and she found the sights and sounds drowning the desperate screeching of her racing mind.

It wasn’t a moment of quiet, but it was a moment of peace that she desperately needed.

“So… you found the lake!”

…and the peace was ruined.

“Yup.” Pomni said with a hopeless sigh, “I said I wanted to be alone. This is a big area – did you HAVE to decide to be in MY space?”

“Is it really YOUR space?” Zooble countered apathetically, “If anything, it’s Caine’s space.”

Pomni regretted ever dreading any form of silence.

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand any of you.” Pomni shook her head in disbelief, “There is nothing for us here. Everything here is as endless as it is pointless.”

“Uh-huh.” Zooble stumbled beside Pomni, also fixating her eyes on the water surface.

“And yet you guys just keep… going… but you all aren’t even trying to make things tolerable for each other! You guys are a bunch of judgmental, two-faced jerks. On purpose!”

“Yeah.”

“Is that really all you have to say?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You seriously have no regard for your own self-respect?”

“No, everything you’ve said is true.”

Ponmi was struck by the statement Zooble threw to her head. Finally, there was silence, but the jester didn’t enjoy it this time. She turned to look at the abomination with shock. Zooble didn’t seem phased at all. They just kept sitting beside Pomni with a frustratingly difficult face (or lack thereof) to read.

“W- What?”

“You’re right.” Zooble simply says, “It’s torture. Not even abstraction is an out – you just get thrown into a black hole. There is no end to life here.”

The fool stayed silent as a morbid curiosity egged her on to listen. Zooble shifted meet Ponmi’s eyes as they spoke evenly.

“There is only an end to us.”

Time ticked away with the ripples of the water crashing onto the shore. The creature’s words blown into the fool, like a calm breeze. The words tumble and toss in Pomni’s mind, considering the seriousness and honesty Zooble used to deliver them. She finally understood what was meant with the statement.

While one person will live on, even after abstraction, the group will not. With someone already gone, the group that was situated had already been changed – it was no longer set. It no longer existed because someone irreplaceable was already gone.

It hurts to think like that.

“Okay.” Pomni said, glancing at the water once again, “But do you all have to act so demented? Hostile? Jax makes it his personal mission to make you guys into pin cushions. Gangle is either eerily quiet, obnoxiously giggling or crying her eyes out – no in-between. You don’t care about anyone except for Gangle, it seems? Kinger’s just… gone, until he’s not and Ragatha is so delusional about this place that she’s probably crazier than Kinger.”

“Fair enough to say that.” Zooble mused – her tone as dismissive as ever.

“Why?” Pomni pressed, eager to understand. Just a little bit of understanding would do her wonders.

“We all do what we have to do.”

Pomni sighed heavily, not at all understanding, “…Ragatha said that too. What’s with that?”

“Maybe she’s not as delusional as you thought.” Zooble jabbed back with more bite than Pomni expected. The jester reigned back a bit, while Zooble rolled their eyes at Pomni’s display.

“I doubt it,” she boldly disagreed, earning an interested look from Zooble, “…but she’s probably the only one who doesn’t hate me. It doesn’t even make sense that you would sit down to have a conversation with me while Gangle runs at the sight of me.”

“Why would Gangle’s opinion on you gatekeep whether I can hang out with you?”

“She’s your girlfriend!”

“Exactly.” Zooble states, as if hitting a nail into wood, “I’m not her parent, nor is she mine. She’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions, as am I. We are our own people with our own lives, we just want each other in them.”

Huh.

“So… what?” Pomni asked carefully, “Are we hanging out now, or what’s happening?”

“We chillin’, that’s it.”

They sat in a beat of silence before a wave of awkward tension built up within Pomni. It was supposed to be comfortable, she supposed, but it felt wrong to just leave the conversation as it was.

“So you don’t hate me?”

“I preferred it when you were pissed.” Zooble sighed, rolling their eyes for what felt like the thousandth time that day – and it was still morning, “No one hates you. We are just $%&($ terrified.”

Pomni furrowed her eyebrows, while the creature beside her reluctantly explained themself, “We lost one of our own and you just magically appeared on the same day. Can you blame someone for thinking that you seem like some type of replacement for someone who started asking too many questions? Do you know what Caine is capable of?”

Pomni shook her head as the words sunk in.

“Well…” Zooble huffed, leaning back on their palms that was planted behind them, “Welcome to the club, Harley Quin! Neither do we.”

The silence stretched longer this time. The air felt heavy, but Pomni began to see the strange method to her Circus members’ madness. She didn’t fully comprehend it all, but it felt comforting to have had the conversation – a real conversation, without hiding under false pretenses. Zooble saw her true colours – when she was at her worst.

The abomination didn’t even flinch, they went above and beyond to chase her down, delighted.

It was a relief.

Pomni huffed, leaning back onto her palms to match the posture of her new companion, “Harley Quin, huh? Was that the best you could come up with, Jumbo Blocks?”

Zooble sat up, leaning towards the jester with a mischievous sparkle in their eyes.

“Oh, it’s on, you %&@($ air balloon-cosplaying @$&@(!”

Unrestrained laughter chimed in the air as two freaks stared into the unforeseen horizon. For Pomni, the her ways of viewing her place in the circus, was ripped from beneath her feet in a single conversation. She was left on unstable ground.

Sand.

But for that small, precious moment, she was just happy to bicker with someone. They probably weren't enough to be considered friends, but they were together, sharing a space with no hidden intentions. She wasn't bothered with standing tall.

She was too short for that anyway.

Fanart kinda relevant to this story: (CLICK HERE TO SEE)

Oasis: TADC AU list

Masterlist

[guster-animations]

Kamen Rider Gotchard Producers Symposium PART 3

part 3 finally! a lot of really interesting information in this one. i’m gonna make a few small changes to parts 1 and 2 after i post this, and then i’ll get started on revice

TOKU TRANSLATION MASTERPOST HERE

again, this is for the henshindex wiki. join today!

Kamen Rider Gotchard: TV Series Conclusion Commemoration Toei Producer Team Special Roundtable (Final Edition)

“Kamen Rider Gotchard” will soon be at its climax!

This year, we are delivering a Toei producer symposium like usual, split into three parts. Continuing from the first and middle volumes last week, this time it is the final volume. The three parts totaled up to an over 30,000-word talk. The participants are, naturally, the producer Yosuke Minato, as well as assistant producers Daigo Matsuura and Kaho Miyashima. In the final volume, they will discuss their three most profoundly memorable “Gotchard” episodes, secret stories from contents made with TTFC, and then curious “future” topics too…?

Act 8: Assistant Producer Harashima’s Top 3

TTFC: By the way, for today’s interview, each of you thought about the 3 episodes you personally have the most profound emotional attachment to… Could I ask you what yours are, Harashima?

Harashima: Third place goes to episode 12, “Runaway Liner! Abyss Rider!”. The one where Sabimaru becomes Kamen Rider Dread. The reasoning behind it was first that action director (Hirofumi) Fukuzawa had also been working as story director, and has shown very fresh direction. Also, I like dirty action as originally shown in Korean films and drama (Laughs).

Matsuura: You’re like that too? (Laughs)

Harashima: I think that in that episode, that roughness was definitely needed, and Fukuzawa made such different action more unrestrained than ever. While I say that I like dirty things, it was a standpoint that had to be adjusted for a children’s program, so I’m also curious about the impact of this portrayal—where so much pain was inflicted on Hotaro—had on everyone in the audience…

Matsuura: But as much as we worried, we were surprised that there wasn’t a strong negative reaction against it. Especially for today’s kids, aren’t they seeing a lot of things like “Demon Slayer” nowadays? I think they’re more used to that kind of expression.

Harashima: That’s right. Then, episodes 9-10 just before that were a school trip. I still felt like there was chitchat around “Chemy searching” as the basic story premise, so I also wondered if it was okay to have a development as serious as possible. But a development like that is just right for “Kamen Rider”. A difference with the Super Sentai series, where teamwork is highly valued, is that in that situation, the protagonist should not bear their pain and suffering alone. I fully understood that in that episode. Because I was a “Kamen Rider beginner” at that time, it’s a very memorable episode in that sense too. To say it more accurately, I really like the course of events through episode 12 and up to Director (Katsuya) Watanabe’s episode 13, “Get Him Back! UFO X Friends Forever!”.

Second place is “Rinne’s Dawn! Transform, Majade!”. Protecting the opponent Atropos, and showing one’s own “decision”, was a single pattern, and Rinne’s actor Reiyo (Matsumoto) showed incredible acting and expressions. In Reiyo’s case, Rinne first awakened in “Kamen Rider The Winter Movie Gotchard and Geats: Operation to Find the Strongest Chemies”, and this episode 19 was another step in her growth. Majade, which Rinne transforms into, has a really good appearance, and it brings back memories of when I watched the “PreCure” series as a kid.

Matsuura: Mr. (Hiroshi) Takagi’s music was amazing again too. It’s sparkling. There are parts unlike Kamen Rider music, but it fit “Gotchard’s” setting wonderfully.

Minato: Matsuura was the one who originally recommended Mr. Takagi.

Matsuura: I knew Mr. Takagi from the work called “Go! Princess PreCure” (2015) which he had composed the music for, and that work’s music was also excellent. Then the music for “Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger vs. Keisatsu Sentai Patranger” (2018) was wonderfully done. I wanted to work with him sometime. It always becomes difficult to decide which composer to ask, but I’m really glad that I got Gotchard to be done by Mr. Takagi.

Harashima: I felt like the Rinne-related tracks especially had phrases that resonate emotionally with girls. A sparkling feeling that evokes memories of “PreCure” or “Sailor Moon”. Then of course my first-place is Zukyumpire (episodes 22 and 23) (Laughs).

Matsuura: You really don’t waver on that (Laughs).

Harashima: Something we didn’t talk about when it was a subject earlier is that (Akiko) Inoue had been talking about Zukyumpire from the screenplay meeting stage, but Yua (Yamashita) sympathized when she heard at some point that it’s about a girl who was dependent on him and becomes independent. Of course, “Gotchard’s” main character is Hotaro, and the main guest character is Zukyumpire, but I knew Inoue’s stance that she wanted Yua’s portrayal to be important too, being involved with the story, and I learned from that. I especially like episode 23’s final scene. For Yua, the ex-boyfriend Tacchan comes in and says he wants to take Yori back, but Yua can clearly state, “I’ll make my own happiness on my own terms”. Then the background song “Kimi ni Zukyun” is played and the episode ends.

Minato: Yeah, if I’m not mistaken, in the second draft Inoue proposed “Can I add this kind of scene?”, and it was added. It wasn’t in the first draft, and even at the point when it was added, it was a mood of “This might be cut if it’s introduced…”. I think that was at the time that we received the final manuscript, but actually, at that time, there was a scene about the people who got memory-wiped in “Kitchen Ichinose” coming in again, and saying something like, “I feel like I had some kind of amazing dream, but I can’t remember…”. When it became necessary to cut either that scene or Yua’s scene, I asked Inoue, “Which do you want to remain?”, and she wanted Yua’s scene. So I guess Inoue had emotional attachment there too.

Harashima: If it were the “Kitchen Ichinose” scene that was there, it would be a much more comedic ending. That’s fine too, but because we kept Yua’s scene, the relation between Chemy and human progressed a little further. In the beginning with WrestlerG (episode 5) it was nothing but a human and Chemy being separated, but during Zukyumpire it’s already been over 20 episodes, so it’s very good that a depiction was done showing the impact that memories of a Chemy has on a human, like the flower that Yua received from Zukyumpire have been pressed and used as a planner bookmark, and Zukyumpire’s words remaining in Yua’s heart. It becomes an episode with an ending that always feels a little different, and it’s personally moving for me.

Minato: Also, the existence of “Tacchan” was featured in that episode, and in the endgame he’s doing something completely different (Laughs).

Matsuura: He stands out way too much however you think about it… (Laughs).

Harashima: That was originally just decided to be “the ex-boyfriend Tacchan in the last part”, and when I was thinking about what person to cast, Director (Kyohei) Yamaguchi said, “In that case…!”. A “bad-feeling editor” character appeared in Watanabe’s episode 14.

Matsuura: “That guy! With that flashy blond hair!” (Laughs).

Harashima: With Director Yamaguchi saying, “The bad feelings from that time would fit perfectly with Tacchan”, we got Takato Nogami to come back a second time.

Minato: Doing it that way is Director Yamaguchi’s usual practice (Laughs). In “(Avataro Sentai) Donbrothers” too, when the “Old Ninja Man” Ono’s (Takashi Sakakibara) mother came in (Don 32: “Duel Part 2”), he proposed, “Let’s do that person who took a blow from Taro Momoi in Don 18: ‘A Shark’s Blow’!” (Laughs). [note: i haven’t watched donbros]

TTFC: No negligence or missed opportunities (Laughs). You don’t know which character will connect to whom or what style…

Minato: Speaking of casting in “Donbros”, the sudden appearance of a mysterious comedy duo in the Romeo and Juliet episodes (episodes 30-31) was Matsuura’s wrongdoing (Laughs).

Matsuura: Hello, I’m Matsuura, a principal offender (Laughs).

TTFC: Now I’d like to hear about your “Best 3”, Matsuura.

Act 9: Assistant Producer Matsuura’s Top 3

Matsuura: I thought I’d have each episode in my top 3 be by a different scriptwriter. (Keiichi) Hasegawa is the Romeo and Juliet episode we just talked about… (Hiroki) Uchida is episode 24, “Sudden Turn of Events! The Forbidden Steel Rider!”. That’s a compilation episode too.

Minato: It was good, Uchida’s structure. That was wonderful.

Matsuura: And Akiko (Inoue) is episode 40, “Wicked Descent! Three Great Dark Kings”. But a runner-up is the Wheel Malgam episodes (20-21) written by Hasegawa. I’ll touch on that a little bit. Those two episodes’ primary centerpiece was Spanner transforming into Kamen Rider Valvarad for the first time. “Kamen Rider Valvarad’s debut” itself has already appeared as information before, like it was said at the start of this symposium. So, separate from that, I prepared a surprise component in this episode.

[SPOILERS FOR AVATARO SENTAI DONBROTHERS AND KAMEN RIDER FAIZ]

What I came up with there was the development that “Spanner is turned into a Malgam”. We keep coming back to “Donbros”, but it’s because Tsuyoshi Kijino repeatedly becomes a Hitotsu-oni (Laughs). For me, though, the impact of the protagonist of “Kamen Rider 555 (Faiz)” (2003), Takumi Inui, being the Wolf Orphenoch has always stuck with me… During the hon-uchi (preparatory meetings for scriptwriting), I proposed to Hasegawa the idea to match that shock.

[SPOILERS END]

Again, before then, I hadn’t really gotten the chance to work together with Director (Teruaki) Sugihara, so I was very happy to be able to see the visual wonder of Sugihara’s direction.

TTFC: Director Sugihara only did those two episodes in “Gotchard”. I’m looking forward to “Kamen Rider Gavv” from now on.

Matsuura: To follow this— with Hasegawa’s Romeo and Juliet episodes, that was slotted for episodes 30 and 31, and Hasegawa thought that might be the last time an “adolescent drama” could be done in “Gotchard”. At first Hasegawa wanted do a band episode for it.

Minato: That’s right, at first there were discussions that it would be interesting to do something like a band episode somewhere, since Junsei (Motojima) plays the guitar and Kajiki’s actor Amon (Kabe) plays bass.

TTFC: I see. Like, let’s make the best of their special skills?

Minato: Yes. For Hasegawa, there was “the times we can do an adolescent drama” which Matsuura talked about, but actually, we had already decided to begin working on the summer movie after episodes 30 and 31 were written. So, when we returned to the TV series, it was unmistakably nearing the final portion. Taking that into account, we wanted Hasegawa to do what he wanted to there.

Matsuura: A band story sounds interesting, but in practice, a lot of problems will come up with it, like wanting to make a song for that, and not having much time to spare for music practice. That’s a common issue for planning. So, unfortunately, I had to ask to do a different concept. That’s how together we came up with the idea of a school talent show where interesting events occur. I remember various ideas like maybe a concept café or a takoyaki shop. Then, a “play” story appeared, relatively close to the band idea, and Hasegawa was on board with that too. The “transfer student” as a different development in the show was something Hasegawa had been pushing since the band idea. It’s a cliché, but the idea was that a beautiful girl transfers to the school, and it has some sort of effect on Hotaro and Rinne’s relationship. I, as a “cliche-loving man” (Laughs), was very motivated. Immediately, Director Yamaguchi presented Kanon Matsuzawa, who’d appeared as Kei during the V-Cinext “Kamen Rider 555 20th: Paradise Regained”, and she was decided to play the transfer student, Seina Tsukumo. At any rate, it was Hasegawa’s order to have her be an “unmatched beauty”.

TTFC: You mentioned it a while ago, but there was also the surprise appearance of Hirofumi Suzuki and Shinnosuke Takahashi. Tsuyoshi and Sonoza in “Donbrothers”.

Minato: I remember that was decided somewhat suddenly (Laughs).

Matsuura: That’s also a tentative goal. Isn’t there a scene where the drama club president Hajime Mikuriya gives a speech to everyone? Director Yamaguchi said it could be interesting for the audience to get really excited right before then, to more effectively show that everyone is disinterested in the speech. That way, Mikuriya seems more “pathetic”. So we talked about calling in pro comedians, but when I wondered if there were actors who weren’t comedians but could make the same people laugh, I went, “Oh!” (Laughs).

TTFC: The “Super Hero Time” fans were happy too (Laughs).

Matsuura: As the person in charge of the casting, I can’t say I “slacked off” with it… no, it’s not like that! (Laughs) It was also “luck”! (Laughs) It was quite an “unreasonable request”, but I’m very grateful the two of them came and did it happily. Well, even separate from that, I think those Romeo and Juliet episodes were a masterpiece. I myself had a period in school where I was reading a large number of Shakespeare works like “Macbeth” and “Hamlet”, but I once again realized the power of a work that still continues to be read even after 400 years. With this universal appeal, the way that Hasegawa skillfully intertwines the main parts of “Gotchard”, the relationship between Hotaro and Rinne, and other things, was deeply moving. By the way, I might not need to explain it here, but the full version of “Romeo and Juliet” that Hotaro and Rinne performed in can be watched on TTFC, so if you still haven’t seen that, you should definitely do so (Laughs).

TTFC: How about episode 24?

Matsuura: The TenLiner episode. Minato was saying a little of this before— we can make compilation episodes a little loosely, but this one wasn’t like that at all. It was a very well-structured and interesting episode.

Minato: That episode was at the turning point of “Gotchard” in its entirety, so filming-wise, it was the first shot of the new year. We also did bi-uchi (preparatory meetings related to designs) at the end of the year, so we wanted to decrease the staff’s workload. If we did a lot of complicated location scenes at that point, we would definitely end up being overloaded during the New Year holidays. But preventing that wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be (wry laugh).

Matsuura: There are difficult places in that point in production. But what I can say is that it’s just like Uchida to be able to convey the story and items in “Gotchard” as much as possible to everyone in the audience, at that time in the year. It couldn’t have been written if it weren’t him.

Minato: Uchida wrote the compilation episode in “Kamen Rider Revice” too. Where everyone shows the history of their battle to try and restore Hiromi Kadota’s memory. That was done in an interesting way, and honestly, there were parts that showed promising skills.

TTFC: And one more, episode 40. The one where Germain and Gaeliya arrive. And with the existence of the Dark Kings as a “Trinity”, three of them appear.

Matsuura: When I look back on it, Akiko was mostly writing the Dark King characters. She’s writing Germain and Gaeliya’s debut episodes, and Gigist was appearing starting a little while ago, but his first story was when a gorgeous person (Laughs) came in too, and Gigist’s character didn’t really show before then.

Minato: It’s around episodes 32-35. There were parts that I still wanted to stay “mysterious” at that point.

Matsuura: So, it was in the Hopper1 Malgam episodes (36-37) which Akiko wrote that we got to see what Gigist’s character is really like. If I think about what feeling it was written with, the words “understanding all humans” come to mind.

Minato: That was amazing.

Matsuura: Since then, we’ve come to call Lord Gigist “the old man who understands feelings” (Laughs), but there was surprise that “He ended up like that?!”.

Minato: Enemy characters are always hard to make. It turns out that whatever you do, they’ll hold ambitions, and they’re fighting to realize those ambitions. For “Gotchard”, Glion was defeated first, and we worried about how to portray the Dark Kings who would appear after that. This was decided in the structure of “Gotchard” itself, but as an enemy of the always-progressing Hotaro, it’s maybe something about a static existence, or to say it in the words of today’s world, an existence of “problems caused by old people”. I’ve been consulting with Inoue since that stage, so when she wrote Gigist, it was an “Aha!” moment.

TTFC: It’s a little unique for an enemy to hold that stance.

Matsuura: Also, it’s unbelievably intimidating when (Ryotaro) Okiyuki says those lines. It simply gives the feeling that “he seems strong”. And then, I loooooove the character of Germain. He Zukyun’d me (Laughs). When suit actor (Kosuke) Asai plays the “domestic violence boyfriend character” [i swear this is what he says] Germain which Akiko wrote, he made me think, “this guy is completely going at it” or “what an awful guy”, even just with little movements. Furthermore, the performance of his voice actor (Kohei) Amazaki synchronizes beautifully with Asai. Episodes 40 and 41 were (Koichi) Sakamoto’s, and when I was watching Amazaki do voiceovers with the director, he seemed to be completely satisfied too. As you know, we were thinking about Germain being used as Glion’s new body from the beginning, so it was decided that his appearance would only be for episodes 40 and 41. So he was a “stepping stone” in the overarching structure. But I gave orders that I wanted him to be depicted as the strongest being until he’s defeated, and to show so strongly that it makes you think he’ll be the final boss. So Akiko, Asai, and Amazaki each responded to that to their heart’s content, and I’m grateful for that. However, consequently ending up making a character who’s too good to last only two episodes is nice for the people watching, but as a producer, I kind of feel like it was a mistake (Laughs). But, as I can think even that was an amazing “miscalculation”, the scriptwriter, suit actor, and voice actor were a wonderful “trinity”.

Act 10: Producer Minato’s Top 3

TTFC: How about you, Minato?

Minato: I thought I’d also do it this way and have one episode each from the three writers, but it’s difficult. It’s not in the TV series whatsoever, but for Uchida, it’s “Kamen Rider Gotchard vs. Kamen Rider Legend” (all 2 episodes), on Toei Tokusatsu YouTube Official and for Toei Tokusatsu Fan Club members. I was already putting energy into making one new program into the work. Timing-wise, episodes 3-6 were all by Hasegawa, and Uchida’s hands were free, so ahead of time, I asked him to do it before writing episodes 7 and 8. What I was first concerned about was Kaguya’s character. He was working out the minute details with LINE up to right before sending the manuscript. I think Kaguya became a very good character as a result. There was also the direction of Director (Takayuki) Shibasaki, and from the starting point, he was able to lay the groundwork for connections regarding Legend/Kaguya to episodes 33-35 and the summer movie. I have a feeling Kaguya will be active for a long time afterwards and won’t just be there. They were two 15-minute short films, but they were strong (Laughs).

TTFC: The way you made a new Rider like Legend appear was likewise a new experiment.

Minato: With Gotchard being a card Rider, we wanted to make things called Ride Chemy Cards a hit, and with that course of events coming first, there are also Legend Ride Chemy Cards, so we wanted a person (Rider) who uses that. There was also an idea to bring that about in “Gotchard” proper, but ultimately Legend was first streamed on Toei Tokusatsu Youtube Official and such, and we also had him appear in the TV series after that. But of that happens we have to think about how to do it so that it’s shown to a lot of people, and how to make it interesting. Because there are people who wouldn’t have seen “Gotchard” on TV… I guess some have only watched a bit of it too. So, we couldn’t do him as anything but a person from yet another world (Laughs). So the people who don’t know “Gotchard” can watch as much as possible and look forward to how the next episode is made.

TTFC: Having a new character in a position as Decade’s successor is also an observation point.

Minato: In terms of results, that area was also able to be returned to in the summer movie, but from Toei’s perspective, it was still significant that they had introduced the character Twokaizer in “Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger” (2021). It feels like Decade and Legend are directly linked because Twokaizer had a relationship to (Kaizoku Sentai) Gokaiger. Next is Akiko Inoue’s work, and I touched on this a little before (in the second volume), but it was (Kiyotaka) Taguchi’s group’s episodes 28 and 29, where Renge’s grandma appears. I talked about this on the official homepage’s “Gotcha Place” too, but I wanted those two episodes to be a “change of pace” after the big roadblock of defending Glion was over, one that you’d remember as “some kind of weird episode” into your later years. It’s an episode where Inoue and Director Taguchi met those demands excellently. To give concrete examples from past works, a similar mental image to the taiyaki expert episodes in “Kamen Rider Blade” (2004) (episodes 29-30) or the “dark kitchen” episodes in “Kamen Rider Kabuto” (2006) (episodes 29-30) (Laughs).

[THEN IT SHOWS THE PROMO SHOT OF THE FEET LMAO]

TTFC: It’s the exact same episode number as those episodes too (Laughs).

Minato: Personally, I think it’s fun to experience watching a 30-minute-per-episode tokusatsu show where every episode is interesting, and where there are a lot of episodes full of personality. Of course, as a story that’s spread out throughout a year, it’s also important to have characters that are liked. With that feeling, I’m glad Renge’s focus arc also was able to delve into her character. I think we were able to broaden the scope of the one-year production with Director Taguchi, who became the “senior students’ director” after he did episodes 42 and 43.

TTFC: And the last one is Hasegawa’s work…?

Minato: Hasegawa began working on the summer movie after episodes 30-31, so the next thing I asked him to do was episodes 44 and 45. After that, with episodes 46 and 47 being by Inoue, I tried to have everyone write a part of the final trilogy, so in the exact same way as 30 and 31, I asked Hasegawa something like “is there an episode you want to make happen here?”. As a result, what he finished was a story about Kajiki and Hijiri. In Hasegawa’s episodes, he raised 44 and 45. Hijiri’s name had occasionally appeared in Kajiki’s lines, but she re-appeared here. According to Hasegawa’s post by the way, during the first draft preparatory meeting, Minato said to him, “This reminds me of ‘Ultraman Tiga’s’ ‘Farewell to Darkness’”…

[Footnote: “Ultraman Tiga’s” 22nd episode, “The Fog Comes In”, is Hasegawa’s debut work as a screenwriter. The character Horii, who acts in a comedic relief character role and is part of the defense team, meets her future spouse. The only episode he wrote in the last part of the series was “Farewell to Darkness” (episode 47). This is a continuation of episode 22, as well as episode 11, “Requiem of Darkness”. Horii and Kajiki’s roles share similarities in their positions and their approach to “light and darkness” within the hearts of people. Of course, also the beauty of the guest heroine. Incidentally, the day that “Farewell to Darkness” was July 26th, which is very close to “Gotchard” episode 45’s air date of July 21st.]

Minato: That’s correct (Laughs). This episode is at a similar time in the structure of the series too. “Farewell to Darkness” is also a little bit before “Tiga’s” final trilogy (episodes 50-52).

TTFC: In “Tiga’s” case, the last two episodes were listed with the names of three screenwriters who worked on it, including Hasegawa. Compared to that, “Gotchard” has three writers each in charge of one episode in the final trilogy. It feels like that direction hadn’t happened in the Kamen Rider series until then.

Matsuura: Huuuuh… I see, “Tiga”… (Laughs). You were thinking in a “Tiga”-esque pattern that the most recent Rider season isn’t considered to be the last. I somewhat understand that.

Minato: However, we didn’t do anything like “Ultra’s Star” (episode 49).

[Footnote: An episode that breaks from the standard right before “Tiga’s” final trilogy. It’s one with a meta component of the protagonist slipping in time to the filming of “Ultra Q” at “Tsuburaya Productions of 1965”. Incidentally, the space monster Chaliger, who appeared in this episode and has the power to travel through time, was played by Masanori Machida— Koichiro Asahi in “Gotchard”.]

The episode where the protagonist Daigo and company slip in time to the past and somehow go to Tsuburaya Productions. Hotaro went to the future in the summer movie, but if we did some sudden episode like that now where Hotaro goes to Toei Ikuta Studio, no one would watch the essential final trilogy (Laughs).

TTFC: And speaking of “Tiga”…

Minato: That’s right. “Gotchard” has the theme of alchemy, so I became picky about the number “three” which is connected to that, and “Tiga” means “three” in the Indonesian language (Laughs).

Matsuura: Since you said that, my name is also Daigo (Laughs). And Future Hotaro’s actor is DAIGO too. What is this?!

Act 11: Mother and Son, and Then the Gotchanime

TTFC: At the point in time that we’re recording this round-table discussion, the final episode (episode 50) has still yet to air, but I looked at it ahead of time, and the scene where Tamami sends Hotaro out really struck me.

Matsuura: (Yoko) Minamino was really excellent in the finale.

Minato: To speak frankly, there’s a part of me that asked Minamino to play the role of Tamami specifically intending to have her do that scene. After we established Hotaro’s mother, it was almost a given that we would have that kind of situation at the end.

Matsuura: Minamino in the winter movie was incredible too.

Minato: Originally, we weren’t planning to do a story about Hotaro and his mother in the winter movie, but I’m glad that, along the course of making the story, we put in a drama about Hotaro arguing with his mom over something trivial and running away at the start, then returning home at the end. I think that, because that development happened, we were able to “lift Hotaro up” even in a movie where a lot of characters appear.

TTFC: This might be too meta of an angle, but I wasn’t especially surprised when Tamami said she had known her son’s identity (Laughs).

Matsuura: Did you guess that she knew because it’s Minamino? (Laughs)

TTFC: I guess it’s natural that she would know…

Matsuura: So it’s not because she’s Tamami, but because she’s Minamino. Because she was in “Legend of the Iron Mask”.

TTFC: Of course, I don’t think there are many generations that know of that.

Minato: Speaking of that, the work “Sukeban Deka II: Legend of the Iron Mask” was the late Toei president (Osamu) Tezuka’s debut work as a producer before he passed away last year (2023). While I was making the screenplay for “Gotchard” episode 1 and 2, I was thinking about asking Minamino to play the role of Tamami, but after I talked with Department Head (Hideaki) Tsukada, it turned out that I would meet with Minamino several days later to shoot a video that would play at Tezuka’s memorial gathering. Then as Tsukada introduced me to her, I immediately asked, “Do you have any interest in doing the current ‘Kamen Rider’?”. After that I gave her a formal offer, and that’s how she ended up in the role. Minamino was always saying “It’s because I grew up with Toei” because it was that timing. As long as I’m watching, with the feelings of conveying that she’d learned at Toei when she was a new actor herself to the young cast members, I think that she entered the daily scene. It felt like I wasn’t thanking her enough. Junsei (Motojima) is also a new actor, and shots have to be retaken a considerable amount of times, but she always watched over Junsei, and no matter how many takes we did, she stayed with him. So we also strongly think that she helped us in more ways than just her acting.

Matsuura: Junsei kept at it, too. It was the Platina Gotchard episode (26 and 27), and the Hopper1 Malgam (37) and Rainbow Gotchard (38) where he really showed the difference in his acting, and I felt his growth. Of course, now for Reiyo. I think you can see it in the summer movie; she’s always really reliable with her acting.

Minato: Reiyo was talked about yesterday (the day before the symposium), while recording audio commentary for the summer movie and many other things. When I think about it, she definitely started to become good in the winter movie, but she got even better in “Televi-kun Hyper Battle DVD Kamen Rider Gotchard: What’ll We Do?! Hotaro and Rinne Switched Places!!”, which was filmed right afterward. She’s always been a cheerful girl, but she wasn’t good on sets at first, and there were points where she seemed very tense. At that time, with that “Televi-kun DVD”, she did a so-called “body-swap episode”. That was (Koichiro) Hayama’s group, and they did a thorough rehearsal before filming. After getting to do varied performances there, it seems like she came to enjoy it. Her expressions got gradually better.

Matsuura: That was the best performance she’s done (Laughs).

Minato: I think there are also a lot of people who didn’t watch the “Televi-kun DVD”, but it’s a work I’d certainly like them to watch.

Matsuura: On that note, I asked (Katsuhito) Onishi to write the “Televi-kun DVD” screenplay. And speaking of Onishi, I’m indebted to him for writing the script for “Gotchard Short Anime - Gotchanime: Gotcha Furasu High School’s Seven Wonders!” much in the same way… This is an article aimed towards TTFC members (lol), so let’s talk about the “Gotchanime” too.

Harashima: Okay. Well, I was allowed to do a lot of things, and that was fun (Laughs).

Minato: For some reason, I feel like I mostly just threw things away, I’m sorry about that… (Laughs)

Harashima: Don’t worry about it (Laughs). At the point in time that this article will enter the world, its final episode still hasn’t been broadcast, so please look forward to that.

Matsuura: Is there a behind-the-scenes story here?

Harashima: A behind-the-scenes story… (Considers for a while) Something unexpected was that episode 36, where the Hopper1 Malgam appeared and the TV series got a serious plot twist, was right when we could distribute a light-hearted story with the “Gotchanime”. I’m personally glad about that. We weren’t intending for it whatsoever, but it feels like there were many people who came to watch “Gotchanime” to feel better (Laughs) Like it was linked to the original work (the TV series) well. Again, at the start, what I heard from Matsuura was that it’s in a short anime, but there are separate contents and it’s a work in the world of “Gotchard”, so we should properly think about what components we’re putting in to “draw” people to watch it. We were aware of that while making it. More than anything, all of the cast members were excited, and did better than we imagined. Naturally, that was expected of (Misato) Fukuen, a pro in voice work. If there are still people who weren’t watching, it’s not too late even now, so please give it a watch right away. The final episode has a lot of surprises too!

Act 12: To Love, To Be Loved

TTFC: Matsuura, you were in charge of “The Dark Sisters Present Kamen Rider Gotchard: Unfinished Plans”.

Matsuura: Yes, I was very self-indulgent in my work (Laughs).

TTFC: Episode 0, “New Year’s Eve Special”, was very novel (Laughs).

Matsuura: That was natural because New Year’s Eve of 2023 was a Sunday, but “Gotchard” didn’t air that week. It was started so we could make something to coincide with that. We were really just scared that various things would be forgotten if it wasn’t airing, even for just a week. So I planned something on short notice. There were no other people I could ask to help, so I wrote the script and whatnot by myself in about half a day. Minato liked it when I showed it to him and asked if it was good, so then I rushed to finish it (Laughs). I’d done all the (audio) commentary episodes for “Donbros” with Minato, and that did well. I guess this was something we felt like we’d already done… The workload was already big since it’s a weekly schedule, and it felt like things were getting too repetitive for me as a creator. When I thought about how to make TTFC more interesting and less habitual, I remembered “Kamen Rider Zi-O: Supplementary Plans”.

[Footnote: A spin-off work released on TTFC in the early days of “Kamen Rider Zi-O’s” broadcast. Naturally, you can still watch all sixteen episodes in the present. With the recitation style of entrusting the script to the cast while they acted, the strong meta component was a distinct feature (Producer Shinichiro Shirakura was in charge of the script). There were many legend actors who guest starred in “Zi-O” on TV and then came in to appear on “Supplementary Plans”.]

I took inspiration from that for “Unfinished Plans”. Even though it’s released irregularly, I could continue it until the end. I definitely hope you look forward to the finale too.

TTFC: Information about Clotho’s model was only revealed in “Unfinished Plans”.

Matsuura: It wasn’t talked about in the TV show, so… When I asked Hasegawa to talk about the situation and write something for “Unfinished Plans”, he surprised me by immediately responding.

Minato: If you think about it, the Toei video Blu-Ray Collection’s extra video, “We Are Class 3G”, is like that too, but each of the various plans are independent from each other and became interesting-looking things. You don’t have to watch it all to enjoy the whole TV series.

Matsuura: To sum it up, I think it took the happiest form because of the charm that the cast and characters have was supported.

TTFC: “Class 3G” and the aforementioned Romeo and Juliet and such were like a “Gotchard Acting Troupe”. As for these members, it seems like no matter what they do or when, it always turns out interesting.

Minato: It’s valuable that all of the actors involved, including the adult cast, loved this work. That was definitely the strength of “Gotchard”.

TTFC: In the meantime, as for things you’re planning to show in September (of 2024) and beyond, there’s the “Final Stage” in four cities across the country.

Minato: This is also becoming a pretty extravagant matter. We’re making elaborate plans for it. The Final Stage, as already announced, had its script written by Hiroki Uchida. Regarding the developments beyond that… there are a lot of things that I can’t say yet. But, for all of the fans, I’ll tell you to please come and watch the Final Stage. Even with what’s being broadcast now, you can still see it!

Postscript

TTFC: Our time will be up before long, so I just have two points left. First of all, if you could talk about the director’s cut of the final episode, which will be released on TTFC…?

Minato: Okay. For this director’s cut, I have TTFC to thank for making my proposal a reality. So, from the beginning, I asked Uchida to freely write lines that got close to all the characters’ emotions, without taking the normal episode length into account too much.

Directors are people that normally think about length while filming too, but this was filmed with more room for the acting, so consequentially, the version of the finale that aired had a suitable amount of good scenes. Moreover, since the director’s cut is showing everything, I think the people who watched the TV version can enjoy it too.

TTFC: Thank you. Now, everyone, if you have anything else you want to share here, even something minor… (Laughs).

Matsuura: Umm… oh, right! There was one small thing. The hands that appear at the start of the opening are actually mine (Laughs). For some reason, Director Tasaki asked me to do it… So, for the fine individuals who want to see Matsuura’s hands, once again, please watch the OP on TTFC. That’s it. I wanted to say that somewhere (Laughs).

Minato: On that note, Harashima, you have a story about the roast beef stand, right?

Harashima: I did. That was a Yamaguchi episode… I think it was episode 31.

Minato: The scene where Kyoka and Lachesis are talking to each other at night. About the Ouroboros Realm, and the Dark Kings.

Harashima: I played the role of the woman working at that shop (Laughs). I was filmed for the back-and-forth with Kyoka in the filming stage, but a lot was cut out for the broadcast (Laughs). In the end, I show up in some shots, but you can’t see my face at all. So, I don’t think you would notice it, even if you rewatched it on TTFC, but all I can say is that I did actually appear in that scene (Laughs).

TTFC: I see… What about you, Minato?

Minato: It’s a little more serious of a story than what they’ve told, but it’s about Hotaro and Rinne. I thought about where the two of them would go and how to depict them for the whole year. But when I think about it, if they finally reached some kind of goal, their “youth” would end. It’s a program where the protagonist’s main ideal is to “push towards change without fear”, and if we showed that only until the conclusion, it would feel like it lost the spirit of “Gotchard”. So, in the summer movie and TV finale, the end of the story was shown, but I won’t hint at anything concrete for the future of those two. Again, I really focused on having those two be “Rider 1 and Rider 2” rather than “hero and heroine”. I wanted to emphasize that aspect. Something like an irreplaceable partner? It’s close to the Riders-1-and-2 relationship between Sento Kiryu and Ryuga Banjou in “Kamen Rider Build” (2017), but if we went that far, it would be a little too romantic (Laughs). It might change in many ways in the future, but for now, those two are good as they are. And if Hotaro, Rinne, or any other characters remain for a long time in the memories of anyone who watched “Gotchard”, that would make me happy.

[olivieblake]

Hi Olivie bestie!

Not my normal ask but I guess I have a life advice question?

For context: I got accepted off the waitlist to UCLA’s med school (feeling very Cecily in this moment tbh) but it’s my first MD acceptance compared to my DO schools. I guess my questions are a) what’s LA like? I’ve never even been there and don’t really know people from there to ask (or if even Mr.Blake has any insight on moving from the Midwest to LA-I know I’m not really from the Midwest technically but close enough). I don’t really have the money to go visit it anytime soon so it would really just be me showing up there in time for school b) Am I really fucked if I don’t have a car living there? It’s something I know I have to work on getting for MS2 but idk if I’ll be able to afford one before then. And I guess c) I know I’m realistically the only person who can answer this for myself but is it worth it to be wayyy more in debt and be so far away from my family:people I know than my close to home less more resources/opportunities DO program. Again I know that’s really only something *I* can answer but any insight on things I should consider would be great 😭

I have to make this decision in like 5 days hahah (but even if you see this wayyy later that’s okay would still love to hear any advice).

Sorry this is such a weird ask but you’re one of the only people I kinda sort know that lives in LA/moved to a different state across the country for their professional school so I figured I would ask.

Still hoping I get off the waitlist to my dream program (an MD program that is also close to home) but this is such a big opportunity that I don’t know if I can or should pass up 😅 but I’m an indecisive person!!

ALSO LOVING THE DAILY JANUARIES TRACKLIST REVELS!!! Literally living for it it’s so fun-can’t wait to see all the other titles 🥰

-Amanda

hmmmm well let’s see LA things first: it would be quite difficult to live without a car but I think you’d be okay on the west side. public transportation does exist, and it is also improving a lot because of the infrastructure changes leading up to the olympics. not always the most efficient thing for getting directly from A to B but doable. I think if you chose your housing well you’d be able to figure it out. of course, the cost of living in LA is quite high, so that’s something to keep in mind. but I for example live here because my brain is very fragile and breaks easily without a lot of sun, so to me that cost is 10000% worth it. also, I do love this city, as silly as that is to say. I wouldn’t be who I am without this city. I think it’s a great place to be, especially considering the political stakes in this country—LA doesn’t support or enforce ICE investigations and I feel comfortably sure that this is the safest place I could be as far as body autonomy and reproductive rights. also the produce is great here year round. truly! it’s amazing. worth the rent, she says, biasedly

but that being said I know what it’s like to choose between two schools and ultimately I think you’ll have to go with your gut on this one. I remember that I chose my law school because I had this ~feeling~—I just knew something important was waiting for me in chicago. it wasn’t technically the more rational choice because the other law school I was choosing between was higher ranked, but I just knew in my bones where I needed to be.

give or take a week after moving in, I met my husband. if I’d gone to the other law school, I probably would have finished law school—I’d probably be a lawyer right now. strange to think about but I’d resigned myself to a very different life before I met mr blake, and now here we are

ultimately I think we get where we need to go. and if all else fails, it’s never too late to change your path

[bruinhilda]

So, with all the talk about Steamboat Willie becoming public domain, I realized a couple of things.

First, that I'd never actually seen Steamboat Willie. Never saw it as a kid, never got around to looking it up even after all the copyright talk started again. (I have recently watched it. Didn't think it was bad or meh or anything, but I just don't seem to "connect" with it.)

And after some thought...I don't think I've seen ANY Mickey Mouse short in my life. Ever. I can't recall ever seeing them on TV. I remember seeing some Donald Duck, and maybe one or two Goofy shorts...but not Mickey Mouse. In fact, I don't think I actually saw Mickey in anything other than clips or bumpers until Fantasia was re-released in theaters in the 1980s.

Loony Tunes and Tom & Jerry? I would be shocked to find one I haven't seen many many times. That was a good portion of my childhood. But the Disney stuff? It's more that I was aware of it existing, without having seen a lot of it.

That might be because Loony Tunes was everywhere, on multiple channels all the time...and Disney had a single one-hour program once a week where they mostly showed boring live-action programs I'd turn off five minutes in. Later on they were on cable. Premium cable that of course my family was not going to pay for, we're broke as shit, count yourself lucky you got to see basic cable for 5 months before we cancelled it and got the giant antenna you have to stand outside and turn around every time you change the channel.

The movies were also rarely shown on TV. Certainly not the "good" movies...those were kept in the Vault and would only be re-released to theaters for a couple of weeks every 12 years. Your elders will talk about how amazing they are, so prepare to be underwhelmed by most of them when you finally have a chance to see it for yourself.

I don't think I was impressed by a Disney movie until I saw Fantasia, and I wasn't absolutely wowed by one until Lion King. Everything else was just...kinda there. Snow White is back in theaters, it's an event, we're gonna go see it. And I'm going to forget half of it 5 minutes after leaving the theater, because it's just not speaking to me.

I don't know why most of the Disney stuff just doesn't connect with me the way a lot of other animation does. I don't see them as bad or anything. They just...don't move me, for the most part. There's a handful I love. There's a bunch that I find just...okay. Not going to complain that it's playing in the background, might watch some of it...might just wander off.

And the rest, like Mickey Mouse...I've never actually seen. I have no real plans to see. Sometimes I think about looking up this or that...but have no real motivation. I'm sure a lot of it is good. I'm probably missing a few gems that WOULD connect with me the way I'd want.

It's kind of making me once again feel out of step with the rest of the world. People gushing about this or that pop culture thing...and when I admit lack of exposure to it, they're not just surprised, they're AGHAST. Sorry. I'm sure Mickey Mouse is fine and funny. I just haven't seen that for myself yet, and these days I don't have the spoons necessary to correct that situation.

[littlemisskittentoes]

get to know kittentoes!

this is such a fun way to strengthen connections around the little pod of us that interact in the same fandom space! so a MASSIVE thank you to @happiness-of-the-pursuit for thinking of me to tag!

without further ado, get to know me better under the cut!

First Set

Last Song: Valerie by Amy Whinehouse

Last Film: the new Mean Girls movie!

Currently Reading: okay, this is kind of like, a two part question--

fic-wise: the PJO AU (by Rhys, Manu, and Beas ! and i'm also doing an in-depth portfolio crawl through Sarah's ao3 !

outside of fic: i'm working my way through volume five of Lore Olympus, and reading Local Woman Missing by Mary Kubica, and of course, i fall asleep every night to the RWRB audiobook, so that's a constant bip

Currently Watching: i've been informed that i'm supremely late to the game, but i just finished season one of True Detective! and, of course, i'm staying tuned for the weekly episode release of PJO

Currently Consuming: some good old h2o! the last thing i ate were some sugar snap peas!

Currently Craving: an aunt of mine makes these really really tasty salads with different sprouts and seeds, fresh tomato and cucumber from her garden, some avocado, and her own dressing. an Aunt Paula salad would slap right now

Second Set

Were You Named After Anyone?

Yes! Sarah comes from my paternal great grandmother, my middle name comes from my maternal great grandmother!

When Was The Last Time You Cried?

Mmm, two or so weeks ago i got into an altercation with one of the feral cats i take care of while trying to capture them to go to the vet. it did not go well, and i felt awful that i scared him

Do You Have Kids?

i do not! i was in a four year relationship where i took on a kind of 'step parent' role from the time the child was a newborn onward. so, i do occasionally see her. but outside of that, no. and i'm not someone that ever pictures themselves changing that

What Sport Do/Have You You Played?

sigh alright, so i played soccer as a very young child-- not great at it. tried basketball for a bit-- also terrible at that. went for volleyball-- gave a girl a concussion trying to serve overhand. FINALLY, i started cheerleading and ended up as cheer captain for a number of years!

Do You Use Sarcasm?

i think so! i'm pretty sure i use some dry humor occassionally

What's The First Thing You Notice About Other People?

probably smile, or if they have a more general welcoming aura/body language!

What's Your Eye Color?

brown!

Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

as much as i'm an absolute hopeless romantic, my go to is actually horror! i'm an adrenaline junkie and LOVE to be scared! i can easily be pursuaded into a romance movie though

Any Talents?

i'm actually a very confident public speaker. i still have some of my cartwheels and splits from my cheer days. and i'm decently okay at keeping up my score during jeopardy! lastly, i'm pretty good with some watercolor paints and a micron pen

Where Where You Born?

Northern US!

What Are Your Hobbies?

i help run a local poetry open mic night, i'm fairly active in my local bdsm scene, and i have a constant revolving door of hobbies i entertain for about a week and completely forget about (most recently it's been crystal 3d puzzles, painting book edges, and making shrinky dink earrings)

Do You Have Any Pets?

so many... i live with my parents at the moment, and they have one dog and eight cats! we also care for a colony of feral cats that live on our property

How Tall Are You?

5'3 (1/2)" ! am smol gorl

Favorite Subject in School?

english! i was also a massive studio art nerd though

Dream Job?

you know, all through undergrad and my master's program, i always said that i would have loved to have been a manuscript editor. i even had an internship helping edit poetry chapbooks! but now that i've found myself in a sphere where I get the privilege of beta-ing for a handful of friends, it feels like that skill set is already able to be used and stretched. so, i'm not super sure! maybe something with animals?

alright!! sending out a no pressure tag to some of my beloveds @inexplicablymine @read-and-write- @affectionatelyrs @gayrootvegetable @anincompletelist @leojfitz @leaves-of-laurelin @matherines @wordsofhoneydew @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @user-anakin

[pbandjesse]

I am feeling good after leading a really excellent workshop. But I am also just so glad this week at camp is over. Camp isn't supposed to feel like this. And the bad is starting to bleed into my art program and I absolutely can not have that. Art is supposed to be a happy place. And thankfully for the most part it was today. But it didn't make the hard stuff any easier.

I had a lot of fun with James last night. We watched cabaret and laughed and talked and I would sleep really well. But waking up felt terrible. I would wake up at 5 when James's alarm went off but fell back asleep until 7. Getting up was bad but I struggled through. And James has a hashbrown ready for me. Still warm on the stove. They're the best.

It wasn't a terrible drive. My phone is doing the thing where it won't stay connected again. Very annoying. But it was fine. I got to camp a few minutes after 8 and went and parked at arts and crafts. I was already set up and things were fine. I was feeling better not having to think about the schedule anymore. So once I felt set up I got my book and hung out in my hammock to read.

It was surprisingly chilly. I would wear my fleece for a lot of the day. It was nice not feeling like I was sweating and wet all day.

A lot of the stockade boys would say good morning to me and show me the bracelets they made. Had me tie them to their wrists. It was very sweet.

And I had a lot of fun with my groups. The girls were great this morning. And I had a few SSC kids helping me with posters and organizing string. One was a little more hard working and focused then the other but things were rolling and it was a good day.

I also got to talk about my knitting with the kids and show them the blanket I made for my dad last year. It was just really fun and while I was tired I was in a good mood. I think it helped that the girls were hilarious. Some highlights : "if you truly want to embrace your inner Jake from State farm to have to memorize the logo" ,"if I don't touch a soccer ball soon I'm gonna crack out", After making an American flag with no stars and not enough stripes "okay guys what states are we cutting. The Virginias? Together. The Carolinas? Squish em. The Dakotas?? You don't even want to know. It's my flag I make the rules now. All theme park states can stay ", After finding a sort of giraffe shape piece of scrap paper "anyone want this giraffe? It's a rescue",To the tune of Alexander Hamilton "I am alligator snapping turtle. I am alligator snapping turtle. And there's a million things I haven't ate. But just you wait...just you wait..". It was so great and I'm glad I documented them in the moment.

Lunch was chicken tenders and Mac and cheese. Which was good. I also had some lettuce. But then I also gained a teenager.

The chef, JB's, daughter Angel was here today to visit and she asked if she could come hang at art and I was like of course. And so after lunch I would go hang in the hammocks and she would come find me.

My first group after lunch tried to come 15 minutes early and I shot that down. They went to play Gaga but would come back after s but. Angel was excellent and very fun to talk to for being a teenager. I was happy to have her. And we would chat and hang out the rest of the day. I would encourage her to talk to the teens her age and she would too. It was fun.

And my day campers were great. We did have a small incident where a child has a little bit of a meltdown and as I was trying to help, being calm, talking in a measured way, a went to pick up their paper that had fallen to thr ground and they kicked the rocks and dirt and it almost hit me in the face and I was shocked. I had to use every strong teacher voice. "Hey. You kicked rocks in my face. I understand you are upset but that was not safe. You need to regulate your emotional responses. Because we both need to have safe bodies and that was not okay." He calmed down and he seemed to understand that I was on his side and was there to help. And we were cool after that.

I keep telling people I have basically infinite patience for one child. That's why I only plan on having one child. I find it serves me well to speak strongly but not yell. I just sound like a baby the few times I have yelled. It doesn't really help much to fix the behaviors around anyway.

After my last day camp groups I expected tipis. But they didn't come. The schedule mistakes had finally gotten me. And I didn't realize. Ugh. I had them scheduled for 230 and 330. They only had 330. Oops. So they were working on camp award stuff. Me and Angel would go down to the feild to find them and see if any of them wanted to come up for extended art. And some did. The rest would join us later on.

We would work on shields and painting and symbols and it was a lot of fun. I always love talking to them. I'll admit I was pretty anxious because I know I needed to leave at 4 for my workshop tonight. And I let everyone know that. And Angel was so sweet and made sure I knew when it was 4. But man was I on edge.

Angel would ask if she could give me a hug before I left and I said of course and good luck on her move and with her art. I left Blanche in charge. Asked her to turn off the lights and close the door. I have so much faith in her.

Right before I left I got a text about some missing steel and flints. I had put them at the Adirondack but apparently they were gone. I would call Heather to discuss and express my worry but hopefully they can figure it out. I didn't have time to go searching I had to go.

It didn't help that I was hungry. And the traffic made that worse so there wasn't time to get something before I went home.

So when I got home at 450 I was a bit on edge. The mailman knocked on my door and he had my new sandals and I was thrilled about that was still upset about food. We didn't have any quick food in the freezer except for chicken nuggets and I didn't want them. And then James was home and they tried to see me feel better but it's hard. We would have to leave pretty quickly. Just enough time to open the mail, and then we were off.

I yelled when we got outside because the wind caught some of my paper James was carrying and it went flying and I was already upset that I didn't have enough print outs. And of course it would be fine but it didn't feel fine in the moment.

James would like separately so they could stop and get us slives of pizza. This would help. I got a really good parking spot and carried my materials inside.

And it would end up being such a wonderful night. I had 10 sign ups, including James. But it would be slow to start. It was more like a pop up then a traditional class in the end. I started with 3 people (including James) and I would go through my talk and explain the steps and got them rolling. But then more and more people joined. And my one one hour workshop because a 2.5 hour drop in and it was honestly great. Had some families. Some single people and some groups of friends. I was having so much fun. The stress and worry was gone. Parker had printed more of my packets. James helped me set out all the spots. I had my pizza and drew out the board. And it was such a fun night.

I would make a little print too and chatted about music and art. I loved having James there. And it was just a really good time.

Once the workshop was winding down I was slowly cleaning up while people were still hanging out and printing. But soon everyone was done and it was time to go. We chatted with Parker and his partner and let their dog. He gave us two free workshop tickets. Amazing. I gotta pick something good.

We went home after that. James biked. I drove. They beat me by a minute. They would help me bring everything inside. We would sit and talk at the kitchen island. But eventually I would go and take a bath and start to get ready for bed.

And I am ready for bed. I am very sleepy. I decided to take off from the market tomorrow because we have Paul and Sam's 10th wedding event in the afternoon. Its not that I'm not looking forward to it, I just really wish I had a day where I had nothing to do but that's not in the cards right now. Just busy busy busy.

So I will spend the morning working on a new enclosure for Crabcake. And then getting James before we go to the wedding event. And it will be a good day.

I hope you all have a good day too. I love you all. Good night!

[hikarry]

I think you're literally the only Portuguese I ever saw on Tumblr

So I came for information

I'm going in Erasmus there (I wanted Italy but they didn't have a spot for me rip) and I need to know what's it like there. If it help with anything, I'm going to Coimbra? FLUC?

Parties? Pubs? Are yall nice? Do I have to worry about being harassed by middle aged men in the street?

Oh my fucking God

You are literally coming to my faculty! The chance of us crossing paths when you come is up to 80%! That's insane!

Okay okay, focus

I've lived with people from Erasmus so I think I can help

We have a group here of Portuguese people that "collects" all the people from Erasmus and programs stuff for yall to do like bar nights, clubbing, games etcetera. My old flatmates used to go to all of the events and they loved it

There are parties literally all the time here. We have 3 main clubs. One of them is specifically for Erasmus students (but anyone can go, really) and I've heard it's super fun - I'm not a club person, so eh can't help much there. My friends used to go almost every night tho

Pubs is much more my area

The main pub we used to have closed due to ✨️illegal activities ✨️ but we have a shit tone more

I usually go to the Irish pub uptown. It's hella classy and the prices are good. Got live music most of the time and ya can have lunch/dinner there also if you want

I can literally give you a map of all the Irish pubs in the city. Ive been to all of them and they are all top notch 5 stars

Also, I imagine you are coming next semester? In the first semester we have this festival called Latada. We get a week free of classes and it's literally a 1 week party with concerts. People go a bit mad there. Mainly because it's cool as shit ngl. Get ready to get Portuguese and Brazilian music stuck in your head

People from FLUC are nice. We are the letters and languages faculty so we are used to foreigners all the time. Everyone speaks English there. And we are the freaks of the university! My faculty is the one where all the queers and gays are! Listen, there's literally this cute girl I see all the time that dresses herself Lolita style. Where else would you see that? Only fluc

If you ever need any help, anyone will try and help you

Our streets are pretty safe. Sure, there's the occasional creep, but it's very rare. Just be careful with drunk college dudes. If you do go out, take trusted people with you that can have your back just in case

Alas, I won't ask you to show yourself, but if you need any help while you're around, hit me up. If you want me to know who you are, dm me. If not, send an anon ask again and I'll try to get to you as soon as I see it

Getting a house here can be a nightmare (even for us portuguese) and I might be able to help you with that. Depending on your course I might also be able to hook you up with files with all the summaries of your classes

[rebelsofshield]

Star Wars: The Bad Batch: “The Crossing”  - Review

A slower, quieter episode of The Bad Batch succeeds in bringing some much needed humanity and intimacy to the series’ main cast.

The Bad Batch are tasked with retrieving the volatile but valuable substance, ipsium, from Cid’s newly purchased mine. However, things go awry after a stranger steals the Marauder leaving the team stranded on a hostile world. Together, the team must find a way to escape, but must do so without the help of one of their brothers.

At first glance, “The Crossing” appeared to be the series returning to its wheel spinning ways. Although we occasionally get a standout like “Tribe,” The Bad Batch’s standalone missions often make for some of the series’ least interesting episodes. As I’ve said before, without the weight given by larger events occurring in the series/franchise mythology or inventive action set pieces these more routine episodes often struggle to hold my attention. This is not to say that episodic television is inherently less interesting in serialized stories. I love being able to pick up an episode of Star Trek or Rebels regardless of when it falls in the franchise’s timeline. What makes these shows work where The Bad Batch still tends to struggle is that even in their most self-contained outings good episodic TV finds a way to make things personal for our characters. But the wonderful thing is, that personal edge actually arrives in “The Crossing.” It takes a second to poke through its dull as hell episodic plot, but this week’s installment makes for one of the series’ most personal installments.

It starts as a general feeling of awkwardness. The Batch have trouble delegating even the most simple duties and their general rhythm feels off. They make mistakes that would normally not have happened. Small tasks become big challenges. And slowly it becomes clear that Echo’s absence has unbalanced how the squad functions. This is a team that is stumbling on a basic level because a core member of their unit has stepped away.

Part of what makes Matt Michnovetz’s script work so well is that Omega seems to be the only one that is able to admit that Echo’s absence is why everything is going wrong. Hunter, Tech, and Wrecker all slip into roles that are familiar to  their programming to cope, but Omega has no special skill to fall back on. What has made her special has always been the affection and loyalty that she holds to her fellow squadmates. So of course, Omega is going to be the one that finally says what’s on every other clone’s mind. She misses Echo. And the squad doesn’t make sense without him.

In a way it’s nice to have The Bad Batch even acknowledge this shakeup. So often these sorts of ensemble change outs will happen in a television series without giving the remaining cast time to react emotionally to what has happened. Sure, Echo may not be dead, but he was a mainstay in this small family unit for quite some time. His absence is felt in even the smallest of ways.

“The Crossing” is at its best when it contrasts how our team are all processing this transition. To Omega, the hole left by Echo is unbearable, but others like Tech experience this hurt differently. Tech processes his own sadness through logic that gives him comfort. Echo has made a choice to undertake a different mission and the Batch was able to function fine before he arrived in the first place. His brother isn’t dead, simply doing something else, and he can look to the past for reassurance that he and his squad will be okay. To Omega though, Tech’s matter of fact and technical way of processing this change feels cold and uncaring. It leads to one of the first episode of The Bad Batch that actually feels driven by conflict between characters. Two siblings are processing the same life altering event in different ways and have to reconcile this while also addressing a larger problem at hand. For as much as Omega may insist that she and her squadmates are a family “The Crossing” is one of the first times in quite a while where they actually feel like one. These quiet moments of Tech and Omega discussing their emotions and trying to understand one another are great and testament once again to the fantastic voice work by Dee Bradley Baker and Michelle Ang.

On a different note, it does seem like things with Cid are coming to a breaking point. Our grumpy old lizard can only screw over our team so many times before they call it quits and take their talents elsewhere. Maybe next week’s episode, which presumably will address many of the lingering plot points left over from “The Crossing,” is when we see this relationship break down for good.

Score: B+

[my-excellent-bicycle]

John Robins - "The Darkness of Robins" (2017)

I started listening to Elis James and John Robins' radio show around two months ago, and a recurring quality I noticed was the level of vulnerability that occasionally shined through in their banter, especially from John. Most of the time it's light stuff about what they did that week, or talk about topics I really couldn't care less about (like snooker), but other times John would give updates on his mental health. Some examples I'd heard in the past few weeks were him improving his workout regimen and trying new health items like Chinese herbs, going on a weekend meditation retreat that left him sobbing in a Turkish restaurant, and going out to the pub with his "gal pals" to celebrate his birthday, which also involved tears being shed.

Because it was a BBC radio program whose content could only be stretched so far beyond "family-friendly" territory, I always got the sense John would probably recount his experiences a bit differently if not for the format of the show. He's alluded to long-standing struggles with depression and alcoholism, and the willingness to approach these topics in a very matter-of-fact manner made me respect him immensely. Although I couldn't help but feel there were other avenues where he'd explore these issues with a more raw approach, outside the confines of a BBC radio show.

Which brings me to The Darkness of Robins. I've heard some talk about this special in the past, specifically about how it was vaguely depressing, and that it won an award at the Edinburgh Fringe that year, but I've never properly given it a watch until today.

Okay, a bit of a personal insert here, which I don't typically do on this blog, but trust me it's relevant: a few months ago, I was seeing someone. He was a guy who I'd been talking to on and off for a while, but we'd never actually went on proper dates on a consistent basis until last summer. I was 23, and this was the first taste I've ever had of a serious relationship, since being closeted in high school/college basically prevented me from dating, and my home life only sealed that deal. But this was different. We did almost everything couples our age would do. He accepted me for who I was, regardless of how I presented myself that day, or if I was feeling down. I was beginning to think, this could be the real deal. I was so lucky to have him. This felt special.

After a couple months, around December, I started having doubts about how he was feeling. Surely by now, seeing as we'd been together for half a year, he'd want to make it official right? Every time I'd want to allude to the question, he'd either hesitate or put off answering it directly. The only time I directly asked him if he wanted to make things official, he said we should wait until he's finished going through the paperwork for his new apartment, which should be done by February. I took this at face value, but it still made me anxious. It didn't help that he went away with his family for two weeks over Christmas, during which we barely talked at all, and every possibility ran through my head.

When he came back, we met up and had dinner, and he came over mine. I debated on whether I should even bring up the question again, since he'd already told me to basically wait till February, and I didn't want to annoy him or sound desperate. But I bit the bullet and asked again, and this time he told me flat out he didn't want a relationship.

He explained how he wasn't in a place in his life where he could have a healthy relationship, and emotionally laid out some issues in his past, relating to his ex, and therapy he had growing up. I of course understood, assured him I wasn't mad, and I let him out. For the following few days, he would check in on me through text, where I'd do my best to hide the fact I was deeply hurt by his decision. After a few days, I said that I'd want time to myself, and he understood, and that was the last time we talked.

The way this whole ordeal played out still never left my mind, and the more time passed, the more I felt led on and I never got over him, even months later. Everything I'd do, whether it was going out to eat, seeing concerts, or even watching Britcom and blogging about it, were just distractions from thinking about him. Two weeks ago, we'd stopped talking for around four months, and I made the fatal mistake of checking his Instagram for the first time since. I saw his arm around a girl. I read the caption, it had a hashtag, "girlfriend." Shit.

I was livid. Then I felt betrayed, and then destroyed. I couldn't help but think there was something wrong with me. What couldn't I offer in those six months that he flaked out on me, yet she could offer that made him want to make her his girlfriend in only three? All my years of self-loathing, anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness suddenly flooded my brain. I might have snapped at a few friends who were trying to listen to me. I wasn't happy with anything.

I've calmed down since that initial reaction, but the disbelief and negative emotions are still very much present, which brings me to today, and when I put on The Darkness of Robins. In short, this special revolves around John's breakup with his then-fiancee Sara Pascoe, and his ensuing depression and slip into alcoholism. Right from the beginning, John really wants you to know that his brain isn't functioning healthily. Rather than confronting his problems, he'd just slide further into more self-loathing and sadness, and desperately clinging onto a past which can't be recovered. There's images of rotting apples, rivers of tears falling into a toilet, screaming into mirrors. Even the jokes, y'know, the whole reason this is special is even called "comedy," are delivered as such that when you think about them for a second too long, they become more harrowing and sad than hilarious.

At points it felt like a dozen punches to my stomach. Watching John yell to the crowd, during at times even staring down the camera for what felt like centuries, as he plotted out his despair and anxiousness, felt like looking in a mirror. It felt cathartic watching him describe the hopelessness of regaining love once it's lost. Yes, I recognize both of us experienced extremely different degrees of pain, but the same emotions are there, and it's something anyone who's went through any sense of romantic loss or longing can relate to. He so accurately described what it feels like to feel such strong self-hatred that it snowballs from the most mundane things, like shopping for cabinets at IKEA.

I won't spoil the entire thing of course, but the last ten minutes of this special is something that'll stick with me for a very long time. John laying out the slow, agonizing process of his breakup was heartbreaking to witness, and it's structured so masterfully that I'm surprised he hadn't thought of turning it into a novel with that level of detail.

When it ended, I felt numb, and reflected on my own emotions. And then I remembered the present version of John Robins I regularly hear on his radio show every week, and think about how the John I just watched was from several years ago. For reasons I can't articulate entirely, it did give me some hope that it won't always be like this. Maybe these emotions can be managed appropriately, and with time. As the cliche goes, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

There was a particular moment near the last third of the special that stuck out to me. Looking down the camera, John pulled from his inner monologue, saying he realized that "every mistake you've ever made in your life is because of you." At this point in the show, we see this bit as a way John drives the point home that he's been in a cycle of self-loathing for a very long time. But weirdly enough, I interpreted it in a weirdly optimistic way. If every mistake you've made is your own doing, then there shouldn't be anything stopping you from trying to change for the better.

And that's the sense I get from listening to John in 2023. Little adjustments, whether it's getting deep into a workout or trying Chinese herbs, can make a difference. Maybe this will inspire me to try making small changes to my life, in the hopes I'll be able to improve.

But yeah, you should watch The Darkness of Robins, it’s free in its entirety at that link. But maybe approach with caution if you’ve recently had your heart broken.