dotinglovers

[dotinglovers]

Kael, you don't have to feel sorry for wanting a time alone.

[dotinglovers]

Funny how this becomes the last thing I've shared with you.

Before The Night Ends.

It's never too late to say I love you, Kael.

[dotinglovers]

When did things started to change?

So many questions lines up on my mind. Talking to each other, deafening and too much to control.

One sticks the most and has been playing on my head over and over again like a broken cassette, is that when did things started to change between us? When did your heart change and your love fade?

There were times I kept myself busy and so did you. Life happened and we were together went through every single one of them. And I hold your name dear in my chest, every single day. Knowing that I know I could have a little bit of rest when I'm with you. But then, I realized. Maybe it was all just me found comfort in your presence, found a safe space to lean on.

And through that thinking, I wonder, if it was me that became a burden to you? That my constant chatters are a little bit too much to handle. Because some people has told me how I'm so hyper active, which I know it's not my fault, but maybe is this why we couldn't work? You had things going on with you, you reluctant to share because you think it's your default, and your energy drained so much because of those, and there was me. With my hyper energy and chatters and random mumbles at random hours. I was too much for you.

This is the phase where I will keep questioning myself until it tired the hell out of me. I won't stop thinking the what-ifs and most likely the reasons why you left. I know it couldn't be all your fault. Because I couldn't give you enough space to be alone, didn't give you enough assurance that you can take your time. I took a part in losing you. And this realization, really fucked me up, Kael.

I wish you knew how much you meant to me. I wish you knew that there was no time I intended to hurt you. There was no time I spent not thinking about you. And now I have to bear witness of my choices in ending things with you that caught me up in this barren field of sadness.

I often wonder what comes after this? I don't know if I could greet you without shedding tears, without feeling my heart ache screaming your name to come back. But I know it's over. It was over right when I left you on read. It was over when I pushed you in your worst moment to the edge of the cliff, and there's no coming back from it.

While writing this, I miss you still, I love you still, and want you to come back. I fear so much of what thing I would say to you, but I want us to work on this together. We never fight this through. You went off the rails, and I just following your steps on the opposite direction. We never really talked. But, again. I know deep down that you don't have that kind of will and yearn for me anymore. I know that this impossible wishful thinking only makes me shrinking deeper. Despite those songs about breaking up and what-ifs keep playing on the background. I still want you back.

It's so funny how I'm still waiting for you like today that I never did before. The way I love you so much beyond what I think I could've let myself loving someone else. What was so special about us? If you ask me that, I wouldn't know the answer either. But, my heart still craves for you. And I think I'm mad.

Through the days passed knowing you won't be here anymore, you won't be thinking about me anymore, you won't even consider to get back to me anymore, I'm still writing this to you. Hope that if I ever crossed your mind, and you somehow still remember this page, I want you to know how much I love you and how much I regret lots of things about us.

[dotinglovers]

Before The Night Ends.

It's never too late to say I love you, Kael.

[dotinglovers]

To. Kael

Kael, I just want to you to remember that you are so loved by many (but especially me). You are a kind of person who brings joy and fun to wherever you go. You are so great and cool and smart that your brain sometimes needs to humble you by saying otherwise. You are not all the bad things you think about yourself. You are the good things that people keep telling you about. You may not realize that yet, but there are rainbows and sparkles when you talk that makes people see and notice you. You are the comfort blanket whenever the world feels so cold and the river flowing in the midst of summer. I love you in the openness of the earth, vast and deep, and worth to fight for. I am so thankful for the fate that brings me such a special person and or a place that I can lean on when the day feels dry and humid or when the night feels so quiet and scary.

I love you along with the sun and moon, the rain and its rainbows. I hope you can feel the depth of my love and gratitude. You are my comfort, my joy, and my constant reminder that the world can be beautiful, even in its chaos. I love you with all that I am, with the vastness of the earth and the endlessness of the sky.

Once again, I want to say thank you for being you, for bringing light to my life, and for being the one I can always count on. Here's to us, and the many more moments we'll share together.

Yours, (still slightly an obsessed gf) Dione.

[dotinglovers]

Still Doing It

I know the deafening silence is still daring hovering the space,

when every time love songs played on the background

Despite my bad sleep cycle, my not so addiction to coffee, my fear, and my suck at telling how I feel

With the only love I have within me,

Trying to brush away the insecurity from hitting me every once in a while

I’m going to do this with you

To love

And I’m still doing it

And we do it— our two months together not disappearing

They’ll stuck on our faces and minds

As we lie side by side

Asking each other are you okay?

Smiling at each other, gazes locked into each other’s eyes, hands intertwined— satisfied and proud

That we love each other.

[dotinglovers]

It's worth a life time to love you.

When life gets hard, I know you are there to make me smile.

So, this is how it feels like to have someone that comes to you unannounced but carrying you the bucket of love and attention you’ve always been yearned for. To feel like the world is finally aligning in your orbit, letting you engage to the madness and chaos while still offering you warm hugs and kisses all throughout.

I’ve never thought I am this kind of person until I met you. The kind of person that is full of confidence, full of love, full of energy to bring and show it off the world to see. The dark shadows that have lingered around me are slowly seeping away into the void, and I’m beginning to see the brightness of life. I’m realizing that I’m not the bad person I once thought I was.

You are imperfectly perfect, and though I fear that I might become your only flaw, love wouldn’t be love if it weren’t forgiving. You are my comforting sound, the tender melody of a heartbeat that keeps me awake while gently calming my soul with your tranquil grace.

And the mark of our second month is here, captured in this very sentence you’re reading. Time has passed so quickly that it’s hard to believe how much love has grown and been poured into one person. But the one thing I’m certain of is the contentment and security I feel knowing that you’re still here, feeling the same way I do.

Our days haven’t always been filled with anecdotes and fun exchanges. Some days have been about two people who love each other deeply, and others have been filled with the funny banter of two friends who enjoy each other’s company. We’ve been busy with our own lives, but I’m so thankful that during those times, I never worried about you not being there. That alone is more than enough.

I remember that I should love myself first before giving a part of myself to someone else. But in my prideful mind of Us, I’m so glad that I can do both simultaneously. Maybe it won’t work with anyone else, but sure it works like a magic shop when I’m with you.

Maybe I’ve fallen for you a little bit too much, and I might be trapped in this infinite space of loving you for a long time. But I’m risking everything, hoping that in this brave choice I’ve made with you, I can finally experience what it’s like to be loved just as much as you do—and maybe even more. And I do. I’m so glad we pushed through, even when I almost called it off after that early confession you sent, before the sound of the cuckoo had even been heard. It wasn’t because I didn’t like you; it was because I was unsure about everything happening so quickly. But looking back, I realize that the element of surprise was what I needed to be pulled out of that dark place. I couldn’t be happier now, and I’m so grateful for the choice I made to be with you.

Maybe I fall for you a little bit too much and I might be trapped in this infinite space of loving you for a long time. But, I’m risking everything, hoping that in the brave choice I’ve made with you, I could finally feel how it’s feel to be loved just as much as you do and maybe more. And I do. The risk that I’m taking after that early confession you sent to me when the sound of cuckoo hadn’t even heard yet. In those splitting moments I almost called it off because I was unsure about the whole thing you said, I’m glad we pushed through.

Even today, still in the process of endless conversations and attempts to know each other better, I always feel so thankful for your love and those little moments we’ve shared about minuscule things that happened in our lives.

In those days I rarely show how I truly feel about how grateful I am to meet you, you should know that you never failed to make me feel loved in ways I never expected. Maybe sometimes you wonder if you’ve done enough to make me happy, and you shouldn’t be worry much about it. Truthfully, to love me is to know that it is easy to make me feel loved. Just be there, talk with me, share me about your days and how you feel, I feel so grateful for being able to listen to all your stories and that I’m being accepted and appreciated. That my existence means a lot to you like yours to me.

Thank you for being you, for being here, and for making me feel like I’m enough—even when I’m not sure I am. You’re the calm in my storm, the steady wave and the brown noises to my restless soul, and I love you for it.

Happy Second Monthversarry, Kael🖤

Yours, (slightly an obsessed gf) Dione.

[dotinglovers]

July 8th, 2024.

Kael? Mikael? Mikael Adnan? Kael Always Pasrah? Kaelaparan? Just Kael? None of those matters, I like you because it's YOU.

I have no eloquence in weaving words nor do I have the right stream of consciousness when it comes to writing down my thoughts, and this is not an exception.

There are plenty reasons I want to tell you why you are so special and why you are so loved (especially BY ME). You are simply a wonderful human being, I want to squeeze you and keep you in my pocket all day and night, showing off to everyone that you are mine and I am yours.

But this is not about me or my feelings, this is not even about us. This is written especially for you.

Today marks your special day celebrating a new year with a new number attached to your identity but can not wholly describe who you are as a lovely person, and a dear person to everyone around you, to me, and to yourself.

A year older and a year closer to become thirty (it's still along way off, I know). As you're getting older, the wisdom and the fun are only bound to become more abundant. More new things to learn and experience, more chances to grab, and more love to receive.

I truly wish that as the days go by and you get closer to your goals, be it short term or long term goals that you've made along the way in your life, you will always be surrounded by good people (including me), being loved as who you are, supported in every good decision you make, reminded when you did something wrong because they love you so, listened to whatever you want to talk about, and being understood even without any words uttered.

I know that you are getting bolder and better than the previous you. I hope you will enjoy the new adventures that comes in package with getting older (had to remind you're getting older because it's fun), and attracting good news and laughter along the way.

No one say things would always go smoothly but whenever things get tough, I hope you remember that you have Komeng and me (well, maybe those HSR wives of yours too), as cheerleaders in your corner. I love you, I support you, I will always listen to your talks even rumbles, and I will try to keep understanding you.

Happy birthday to my one and only, my incredible hunny bunny, my sweet patootie, my always hungry bf, my random and pasrahan bf, my Kael. Let's make Monday and beyond your happy days to celebrate and please enjoy today to the fullest. Love you, xx.

Yours, (slightly an obsessed gf) Dione.