#first triumvirate

[historical-kitten]

Ancient Roman Politicians on a Modern Date

Gaius Julius Caesar: He invites you to a dinner party at his house and is a fairly witty and engaging host, but all of his stories seem to be about himself. However, friends assure you he's "every woman's man and every man's woman," so stick around for the nightcap he offers you if that makes you curious.

Marcus Licinius Crassus: For a man who is absolutely the wealthiest you've ever met, it seems a little convenient that he 'forgot his wallet' on your date to that expensive gastropub, so you couldn't go halfsies and had to pay for both your meals. The gold flake dessert shines bright, but you sort of wish he'd choke on it.

Gnaeus Pompeius Maximus: It's kind of weird how he takes you around to show you his art collection since it mainly consists of statues of himself, but hey, at least he's interested in art? He also tells a lot of stories about himself. However, he has a reputation for being a devoted husband and he's in between spouses, so if you're ready for that, give him a chance.

Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus aka Augustus: He literally wrote out a plan for your entire date, how it would go, and what he would say to the most commonly asked smalltalk questions. Do not deviate from his script. He takes you somewhere like a museum or a fancy restaurant where they barely feed you, but although he is polished, his romantic delivery seems a little flat until you run into his best friend Agrippa... They are just besties, right?

Marcus Antonius aka Mark Antony: Ok, there are a couple ways this could go. He is either an absolutely fantastic date who takes you to see a hilarious play and finishes off with a fun night on the town, or he takes you to a bar in a seedy part of town where you dance and drink and party all night. Either way he gives you nice gifts and is charming and funny. On a later date he may take you on the most expensive, romantic, fancy date ever. Most likely a good time date, just don't expect things to get serious unless you're the Queen of Egypt.

Marcus Aemilius Lepidus: He never showed up for your date. Completely ghosted you. You track down his coworkers Mark Antony and Octavian and they say they have no idea where he is either. Weird.

Marcus Agrippa: He takes you on a tour of the city, pointing out all the architecture and finishes this off with dinner. He seems nice, intelligent, and is very attentive to your needs. So why isn't he off the market yet? His attachment to his slightly creepy best friend and roommate Octavian, maybe? They were roommates.

Sextus Pompeius Magnus Pius: A much better date than his father, he takes you to his private boat and gives you a seaside tour. He valiantly fights off pirates during your date, but did you catch one of them winking at him? Regardless, it's an unforgettable adventure.

Who would you rather date? And again, I'm sorry, Lepidus.

As always, thanks to @just-late-roman-republic-things for inspiring these posts.

[enlitment]

Crassus, Pompey, Caesar!

Thanks for the ask! Nice, fmk: first triumvirate edition!

Behead Crassus. As thrilling as the idea of being married to the richest man in Rome may sound (imagine living on the Palatine! I'll fill my villa with all the Greek vases I could get my hands upon!), he was kind of the worst. What he supposedly did to Licinia? Not cool. A ruthless capitalist, 2000 years before it became mainstream.

Bed Pompey. Plutarch (though hardly an objective source) claims he looked like Alexander the Great, so he has that going for him I guess?

Marry Caesar. Plenty of experience (not just in the military), blood of the goddess of beauty and love (allegedly) running through his veins, plus possibly a vers if we are to trust Cassius Dio (queen of Bithynia cough cough). Known to give really generous gifts to his partners. Plus I trust that both Cleo and Servilia would have had a good taste.

[mail-me-to-hell]

I will be posting about Roman history all day because it is the Ides of March and this is my right.

Caeser was interestingly not the worst of the first triumvirate, a girl band he was in with Pompey and Crassus. That honor, in my opinion, goes to Crassus.

Crassus is most well known for making one of the first Roman fire brigades. When there was an alarm of a house fire the brigade would rush to the scene. However, instead of putting out your fire, Crassus would try to buy your property, only putting the fire out when you sold it to him. And he would keep lowering the price as it burned.

[catoswound]

those toxic gay threesomes will be the ruin of the republic

[uncleclaudius]

28 September 48 BC: Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus, in English known generally as Pompey, was killed in Egypt.

Here is the modern reconstruction of what he could have possibly looked like based on one of his portraits.

[theantonian]

Pompey the Great assassinated, September 28th, 48 BC

Upon landing in Egypt, Roman general and politician Pompey is murdered on the orders of King Ptolemy of Egypt.

During his long career, Pompey the Great displayed exceptional military talents on the battlefield. He fought in Africa and Spain, quelled the slave revolt of Spartacus, cleared the Mediterranean of pirates, and conquered Armenia, Syria and Palestine. Appointed to organize the newly won Roman territories in the East, he proved a brilliant administrator.

In 60 B.C., he joined with his rivals Julius Caesar and Marcus Licinius Crassus to form the First Triumvirate, and together the trio ruled Rome for seven years. Caesar’s successes aroused Pompey’s jealousy, however, leading to the collapse of the political alliance in 53 B.C. The Roman Senate supported Pompey and asked Caesar to give up his army, which he refused to do. In January 49 B.C., Caesar led his legions across the Rubicon River from Cisalpine Gaul to Italy, thus declaring war against Pompey and his forces.

Caesar made early gains in the subsequent civil war, defeating Pompey’s army in Italy and Spain, but he was later forced into retreat in Greece. In August 48 B.C., with Pompey in pursuit, Caesar paused near Pharsalus, setting up camp at a strategic location. When Pompey’s senatorial forces fell upon Caesar’s smaller army, they were entirely routed, and Pompey fled to Egypt.

Pompey hoped that King Ptolemy, his former client, would assist him, but the Egyptian king feared offending the victorious Caesar. On September 28, Pompey was invited to leave his ships and come ashore at Pelusium. As he prepared to step onto Egyptian soil, he was treacherously struck down and killed by an officer of Ptolemy.

[queer-benoit-blanc]

Joining the war on the phrase 'First Triumvirate' on the side of 'First Triumvirate'

[xxmarvelouslifexx]

I'm back with another late roman republic smut fic :D I was sorely disappointed by the lack of Crassus/Caesar/Pompey fics so decided to do my part to remedy that.

[p-clodius-pulcher]

Worst threesome in history!!!!!

[historical-kitten]

I think that was also the issue with the second. 😂

Why was the first triumvirate Like That

their menstrual cycles kept syncing up

[iamenits]

[okaylokii]

[thali-lemmonpie]

WHOever thought of how to dress the Playmates™ Jim Kirk: plaid shirt action figure™...

I HOPE YOU GOT A RAISE *CHEF KISS* WASN'T EXPECTING THIS.

THIS. WAS. WORTH. EVERY. SINGLE. PESO.

[historical-kitten]

The first and second Triumvirates

I am going to destroy you I am going to rend you limb from limb I am going to shove my foot so far up your ass it'll come out of your mouth Lord help you I will break you into so many pieces even time won't be able to fix you

[pizzat-i]

happy belated new years!! again!!! 🎊🎉

[offdensen]

James "Heart Eyes" Kirk