#first thinkpiece in a while lol

[yooniesim]

I'm sitting here thinking about a pretty age-old debate on simblr... the race of sims that have black hairstyles, particularly in cc preview pics.

I know it's been talked about repeatedly, but when it comes to cc previews for paid cc I think it's especially worth talking about. Some people say, well, the creator only uses a few different sim models each time, it's not like they're intending to be racist or something. It's just for convenience, because they're busy, they're hustling, they gotta pay their bills. They always use the same sim, so it's fine. But like... isn't that gross to y'all? Someone making money off of black hairstyles, but they can't even be assed to go in cas for 15 mins to make a black sim? Isn't that a prime example of appropriation of black culture for profit? Like the human aspect of us as a person is gone, it's just another part of us being advertised and sold. Black hair makes money, black hair cc is limited, it will sell and nothing else matters. It feels like black hairstyles are some kind of trend with them too, because none of these creators made them before it was possible to profit off of them... back then it was "too hard" just like now it's apparently "too hard" to make a different preview sim.

Also, it's not lost of me that when a creator does make a black sim for their previews, they're as light skinned and white looking as possible. Whether just by skintone, very eurocentric features (like they just gave a white sim slightly darker skin), vitiligo to make most of the skin light, or claiming the sim has albinism. And while some of this I'm sure is just finding that aesthetic more "pretty", I also think this has to do with potential sales. I'm going to be honest... besides engagement by black simblr itself, I've noticed a lot of posts I have get less engagement/reblogs if the sim in question has darker skin and darker hair. It's much more likely to pick up in the mainstream cc finds blogs/YouTube videos etc, if the content is for white sims or the sim has lighter skin and light hair. I don't care about engagement and simply make whatever sim I want to make, and since I do have that variety, it's how I noticed this strange trend. And with the volume of content paywall creators make, I think they noticed this too. Posts with lighter skinned sims get better engagement, and thus, make more money.

Have you ever noticed, even in paywalled cc packs, there will usually be a sort of token effect? One white sim, one ethnically ambiguous sim, one black sim. This is great if you're showing off something that will vary for different skintones- makeup and skin details, for example- but why is it always like this? And why is the variety usually only in previews for cc packs instead of solo items (like hairs)? It feels like it's all to sell better, to appeal to different demographics and say, hey, I didn't forget poc exist! Please pay for my content! It feels disgenuine, and since creators like this rarely engage with the community anymore besides paid content, it's hard to figure out whether they feel this way or not.

Personally, I don't care much what people do in their own games- I might look at them weird for a sec, but I move on, cos it's their issue not mine. But like many other aspects to this community, when it crosses over into paid content, it sparks my interest. It feels like everything, everything, is about maximizing profit now. And for the people that focus on that, that's their prerogative and all, I can't exactly stop them, but. It's just something I observed and wouldn't mind discussing with y'all.

(Note: I don't apply the "profiting off black culture" part to black creators, obviously. Also no hate to any creators that do this stuff. Be reasonable adults, please. I'm just discussing in a constructive criticism type of way.)

[artslovergirl]

art & patrick at mark rebellato academy

[headcanons]

notes: i really enjoyed writing this because i just genuinely adore these characters and this movie so much. there's so many interesting little details and nuances there that i could just talk about forever and ever. i truly hope i did them justice here lol (also writing this made me jealous of people that are good at writing character analysis' and thinkpieces bc wow it is hard!) but yeah enjoy!

wordcount: 3.4k

they met at age 12 during their first day at the mark rebellato academy in their now shared room. 

when art came in with a duffel bag (that looked comically big next to his scrawny kid body) patrick was already sitting on the bed he had claimed(the right side next to the door) all by himself, his parents didn't have a very tearful nor long goodbye as they sent their son off to boarding school.

in contrast art’s mom and grandma seemed keen to embarrass him in front of his new roommate with their cooing and hugging him goodbye. 

it wasn't even like his mom and him were really all that close though. she just seemed to want to squeeze in all the moments of a loving mother-son relationship into the small segments of time she actually spent with him.

the goodbye hug and small ruffle of his hair from his grandma felt a little more genuine. embarrassing all the same as he could feel the other dark haired boy try not to crack up at the display.

"mom. please." he pleaded with her as she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "i’m sorry, artie, but i need to make up for all the time i'm gonna miss with you!" yeah, he bets.

a few minutes later and a tear or two from his mother they did finally leave him be. as soon as he heard the door shut though, the awkward silence enveloping the room almost made him miss them. 

he threw his duffel bag on the left bed and sat down on the edge. he fidgeted with his bottom lip, a nervous habit he's had for as long as he could remember. 

the brunette boy shifted on the bed so he was now facing him. his mouth pulled into a toothy grin "so you're...artie?" 

art groaned and hid his head in his hands, slumped over his knees. "no, that's..just my moms nickname for me. sorry you had to see that." he says in a squeaky broken voice which didn't help the embarrassment he was already feeling.

the other boy just brushed right past all that and said "i’m patrick." and then as an afterthought, "zweig."

"uh." art leaned back up, still avoiding his gaze. it was weirdly intense. "yeah, i’m..art. um, donaldson." he said the last part like it was a question almost.

patrick began to swing his legs a little. it was clear to him that art was the quiet type even if they had just exchanged a few words so far, but luckily patrick didn't mind talking. it was something his father always hated about him. he almost talked enough for both of them which after a little while finally seemed to break the ice of art's shy exterior. 

art didnt know what he thought about patrick yet. he was pretty..confident that was for sure. even a little arrogant, maybe. art scolded himself internally for being so judgemental. it was quality he hated about himself, but seemingly couldn’t get rid of.

despite all of that he had to admit that patrick was easy to talk to. there was never an uncomfortable gap in conversation with him. which art liked since those kinds of things made him want to crawl out of his skin sometimes.

that first night he spent staying up with patrick, slowly realizing how much they had in common while simultaneously being complete opposites, is one of his fondest memories and probably always will be. he never experienced another connection that felt anything even close to that.

their room wasn't too small but with the way patrick would just constantly toss his clothes wherever he pleased it seemed a lot smaller. 

it's not like art was insanely neat or anything, he was still a teenage boy. patrick was just exceptionally messy.

"patrick, this shit is so gross, i told you to use the hamper." 

patrick groaned, "youre such a neatfreak, fuck off." 

at that response a pair of dirty boxers were thrown at his head, courtesy of art. "i don't want to see or smell your worn underwear. that doesn't make me a neatfreak." 

patrick just tossed it back in art’s direction, to which the blonde quickly scurried out of the way to dodge it like his life depended on it. 

"you know if tennis doesn't work out for you, you'll make a good housewife." patrick grinned mockingly.

“ha-ha.” art just rolled his eyes, stuck up his middle finger and let the door slam behind him with his racket bag slung over his shoulder. 

trying to get patrick to do anything was like trying to teach a cat to do a trick without any treats. borderline impossible. so by age 15 art finally gave up.

...until he realized a year later that patrick would clean his side of the room whenever they had a girl over so..

yeah, sometimes he did lie and tell patrick that a girl was coming over just so he would clean his side of the room. 

you can judge him all you want but you never had to room with patrick zweig

 and after the third time that trick stopped working anyway. art was never a good liar. or maybe patrick could just call his bullshit way too easily.

they didn't fight too often, it was more like they constantly got into little tiffs

except for that time where it got so out of hand that they duct-taped a line dividing their rooms into two sides. (i know this is giving sitcom i'm sorry but tell me i'm wrong)

eventually they kind of forgot what they even fought about in the first place but they were too lazy to take the tape off of the carpet, so it just stayed on there for like 2 years till it peeled off.

like i mentioned in my other post these two were BITCHES

they would def talk shit all the time. they were not even trying to be secret about it tbh. (see: them staring at anna crying at tashi's party)

they sat in the bleachers watching one of their classmates play a practice match

“dude, look at that forehand. it sucks.” art muttered. patrick nodded, “i know. no way she’ll even make it through the semester.” “i’ll be surprised if she makes it through this match without fracturing her wrist.” patrick snickered at art’s comment.

actual mean girls LMAO

and to be fair, they were fucking amazing at tennis, especially when they played together

so it's not like anyone could necessarily insult them back

but it also wasn't bullying or anything

they were just judgy and loved to talk shit

art had some decorum about it or felt bad about it sometimes. not patrick though. 

man has no shame. never did. as art so lovingly puts it “the part of his brain that feels shame withered away a long time ago.”

art wore glasses from ages 12 till 14 

he then switched to contact lenses because patrick said girls dont like guys with glasses and that they make him look nerdy

they weren't allowed to have any sort of electronics like computers or flip phones at the academy. not even mp3 players. 

now obviously patrick completely ignored that rule. he had like three flip phones under his bed in case his actual one ever got taken (it did)

he also smuggled in 2 mp3 players (one was for art, patrick is so kind… he did charge him 4 dollars for it though. that rich asshole. lmao)

honestly i would like to insert here what i think they would have listened to but..i was like..a baby when they wouldve been at the academy so..feel free to drop your music headcanons in the reblogs or comments 

they were only allowed one weekly call to their families from the communal landline.

neither patrick nor art were very fond of these calls so even though they weren't supposed to they would always go into the phone room together.

patricks mother always insisted on speaking in german with her son. he thought she only did it because it made her feel more connected to his father’s side of the family. not like it would fix their fucked up marriage though. 

“nein, mama, ich habe mein deutsch nicht vergessen.” (no, mom, i havent forgotten my german) he sighs. art sits on the floor next to him and flicks a rubber band at him. “ja, verstanden. ja, ich weiß.” (yes, understood. yes, i know.) he rolls his eyes. 

art understood a few of the basic words since patrick taught him some german after art asked how to correctly pronounce his last name. 

“..bis nächste woche. tschüss.” (talk to you next week. bye.) he hung up. his mom said i love you but he knew she didn't mean it so he didn't say it back. 

patrick groaned and stretched out his legs that were seemingly getting longer by the day (art secretly prayed for a growth spurt that would make him taller than patrick. right now he was still pretty short for a guy his age.) 

he handed the phone to art. “she always talks so much. it's like i'm not even on the other line.” patrick scowls. art just nodded. he knew that by now.

art called his grandma but his dad picked up instead. it was okay. talking to his dad felt a little like talking to some distant uncle that he only saw once a year, “how's it going, champ?” “good.” “great.” that kinda stuff

the phone call lasted 5 minutes. he stood up and hung the phone back on the receiver. 

“wanna smoke?” patrick asked already reaching for the two loose cigarettes stuffed into his jean shorts pocket.

art nodded. he didn't really like smoking, and he kind of only did it because patrick did. and whenever he did, all he could think about was how bad for him it was. 

he was always pretty conscious about that kinda stuff, it was a little drilled into him by his dad who was the most adamant about art becoming a tennis player since he used to be one when he was younger.

so sugar and fats (basically anything that tasted good) were pretty much banned in the donaldson household 

which kind of resulted in art subconsciously believing that anything that brought him joy or pleasure must be inherently bad for him or followed by a feeling of guilt and shame to make up for it.

needless to say art wasn't the best at indulging. he was a little jealous of how patrick never seemed to have any issue with that sort of thing.

patrick didn't care about maintaining a good diet or depriving himself of life's pleasures for the sake of tennis. he took what he wanted like life owed it to him. 

maybe that's why he smoked with patrick. to try and be more like him?

also because it gave him a nice sense of rebellion.

most things he did with patrick gave him that feeling.

at the academy they were the definition of ‘not sold separately’

if you saw one the other wasn't far behind

its not like they didn't have other friends. they did. they were pretty popular actually

but none of those friendships were anything like what art and patrick had.

especially when playing doubles.

it felt like they could communicate telepathically 

patrick knew when art was going for the ball before the other team even served and vice versa.

tennis felt different when they were playing together. better.

and it felt so easy, it felt like nothing they needed to work on. their friendship was the same. it was so easy, so natural.

after about a year or so of being friends they started being in sync. literally.

they cross their legs at the same time, they pick up their rackets at the same time, they adjust their forehand grip at the same time, they walk at the same pace, they sit down the same etc etc you get it

also that isn't really a headcanon, like this is canon in the movie. and it makes me SICK that they were still in sync in 2019. after not talking for 12 years. shut up that’s some soulmate shit

now let's talk about something else that is canon…the pushed together beds.

yes!

now, i think patrick is a person that is pretty open with his body in general in terms of like being physically affectionate. or just being physical. 

i don't know if art is, i think he's a little more reserved. (repressed if you will! i will!)

but patrick touching him so casually does fill a little tiny (gaping) void in him that yearns for touch.

he is a professional yearner as we all know

and patrick never had an issue satisfying those yearnings for him. (i think we saw that in the fact that patrick taught art how to jerk off ok next topic)

patrick would sling his arm around his shoulder, lay his long legs over arts lap, ruffle arts curls (“stop that, you're messing them up.” “no, i'm not they always look like this”),he would barge into their room after practice flopping his tall sweaty body on top of art to annoy him.

they were very physically affectionate it was just all under the guise of shoving and tripping each other and just general teenage boy roughhousing shenanigans. that counts as a love language to me ok!

art got used to patrick touching him very quick and even reciprocated sometimes 

also i do think that sometimes patrick would smack art’s ass as a joke. lol. (that's inspired by that video of the two doubles players doing that…do you guys know what i’m talking about)

OK SO!

the beds.

they were 16. patrick suggested it. “these beds are too fucking small.” he complained, laying on his staring at the smoke detector that he had covered with a shower cap so it wouldnt detect the smoke from his cigarettes. 

and to be fair…yeah. patrick stood at 1,80 cm right now and his feet were hanging over the edge of the bed.

art looked up from his book which he was only reading to impress a girl he had a crush on. patrick had told him to just pretend he read it but art said that was disingenuous and he wanted to know what she liked and why she liked it. 

“you know what we should do? we should push our beds together.” patrick sat up, grinning like he just had the best idea ever. 

arts features twisted up in thought. “isn't that a little close?” 

“nah, why, we still have our own beds. just more space.” patrick shrugged.

he glanced at their beds. “uhhh…i guess we can do that. the beds are a little cramped. although is that even allowed?” art began fidgeting with his lip like he usually did when he was in thought.

but patrick was already in the process of shoving his bed next to arts after which he let himself fall onto the two beds in a starfish position, with his gangly limbs almost stretching to every corner of the beds. “oh. great. and i’ll just curl up at the foot of the bed then?” art gave patrick a deadpan stare. 

“up to you.” patrick grinned in that specific way that really irked art. 

patrick did make some space for him once they actually went to sleep that night

even now they were two opposites making a whole

patrick always ran cold so he hogged all the blankets and art always ran hot so he immediately kicked them off of him as soon as he fell asleep 

that only made this new pushed together beds thing even better for patrick because he now got to have his own blanket AND steal arts every night

i wouldn't say they cuddled necessarily? i think it was more just like the regular amount of physical touching that happens when you sleep in the same bed

which is still pretty intimate to me idk about you guys

like their legs kind of thrown over each others, art’s arm occasionally draped over patricks chest (or literally on his face. art denies every time that he does it on purpose but patrick KNOWS he does it to annoy him. he knows.) 

one time art had a nightmare of being trapped under a rock only to wake up and find out that somehow patrick had rolled over in the middle of the night and was now laying COMPLETELY on top of art. right before he was about to push him off (because he was making art actively suffocate) patrick rolled over again and fell out of bed. he didn't even wake up from that. genuinely just slept on the floor that night. freak of nature that guy.

also patrick for sure twitches like a dog in his sleep

and i think it used to wake art up because he's a pretty light sleeper but eventually he just got used to it lol

when art went to stanford he never finished the last bite of anything he ate because he was so used to patrick being next to him and just stealing the last bite.

patrick really really wanted to get his ears pierced when he was 15. 

so naturally he asked art to do it for him.

you know…like how they did it in the parent trap. which if you asked them is a movie that they definitely haven't seen. ( but they did see it and art cried at the twins reuniting with their parents, oops.)

unfortunately for patrick art was very very squeamish with needles at that age (i think that mellowed down the older he got but he still refused to look whenever he got vaccinations or anything like that.) 

so now it was midnight, they were in their room sitting on the floor and arguing

“dude, just do it, stop being such a wuss. you're not even the one getting pierced.” patrick groaned, he had numbed his earlobe with ice but he could already feel a little bit of the feeling return to it, that's how long they had been sitting there with art squirming around because he hated even looking at the sewing needle.  

“that's worse though because i have to look at the needle going in your ear!” art argued

“ well, i can't do it myself.” patrick replied.

...

“are you wearing my shirt?” art squinted at him

“stop trying to change the subject.” 

“i told you to stop stealing my clothes. i don't want to do laundry that often.”

“can you focus?” patrick groaned

“dude.. okay, fine. just give me a second.” art took a deep breath.

“oh. my god. you're not performing open heart surgery.” 

“shut the fuck up.”

“you shut the fuck up.” 

and what do you know that response got art to get over his fear of needles for a second and stab that thing right through his best friends ear 

the little high pitched yelp patrick let out in surprise at that is something art didn't let him forget about for like two weeks after

it took about another hour for art to pierce patricks second ear and eventually they managed but then like a week later patrick forgot to put his earrings in and the piercings immediately grew shut

so all that drama was for nothing!

i think art has always kind of been the type of guy to want domesticity. 

i already posted about this somewhere but i kind of came to that conclusion because patrick said “he wants to spend time with his family” to tashi in the alley scene

patrick hadn’t spoken to art for like a decade at that point

and you could say it's a good guess but NO! 

patrick knows art like the back of his hand and patrick knows that art has always wanted a family and how much it probably kills him to miss out on time with them due to his career at that point in time (also just throwing this out there i think art always wanted to have a daughter more than a son, like that just makes sense to me. maybe bc i think his own relationship with his dad is so distant? idk!)

so yeah

also the sauna scene where patrick says that marriage isn't what he was for 

(to me) also implies that he is the opposite of art who was meant for marriage

anyway do i think that art shared his wishes for a family and marriage in the future with patrick? yes

do i think patrick jokingly made art promise to make him his best man? yeah

and furthermore do i think about the fact that patrick then had to read about arts wedding in some tabloid years later? yep!

i’m sure i could think of more in the future but that's all i've got for now! i hope this was coherent enough to enjoy because it’s not as proofread as my fics usually are lol! i just wanted to get these thoughts out there

if some of these seem familiar it might be because i took some of these from my twt!

i also have some more headcanons floating around on my tumblr that i didn't include here if you want to find those, or not, i'm not your mom! 

[districtxii]

Thoughts upon finishing The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

Spoilers unmarked ahead as it's been out for a while and the title of the post warns for them.

As I've mentioned in my other few posts about it so far, I came into TBOSAS as a movie-only watcher despite having been a book-first person back when the original Hunger Games films came out.

I've got to say that when I heard the idea of a prequel about President Snow which included a love story, my tumblr-raised self wasn't particularly interested. I remember seeing the book display at Walmart when it first came out and not really having time or interest at the time.

However, the movie trailer caught my attention, and I'm really glad that it did.

I am happy that TBOSAS, while having a single POV character in Snow, switched from first person narration to third person. I remember reading meta years ago that I wholeheartedly agree with. While one can make the argument that the "blindspots" one gets in the original trilogy themselves make a point, having a slightly more zoomed out, third person point of view just feels better for the scope of the story. As an English teacher, I can't help but feel like it's a little more mature, too.

But without the movie, I still don't know if I would have ever picked up this book in audio or visual format.

Funnily enough, looking back on the first four Hunger Games movies, I actually don't like them as much as I like the books for the most part. The visuals are good in parts, but I do not like the casting philosophy that was used. I sort of hope that we are around long enough to see remakes as a prestige miniseries or something like that.

Back to thoughts on TBOSAS: I remember seeing a few kind of poorly produced (sorry lol) thinkpieces on websites like ScreenRant that were insisting that you weren't getting the full picture from the movie, that the movie made Snow too sympathetic, that you have to understand he's a monster because he views Lucy Gray in an objectifying manner or because he gets Sejanus killed.

I think that those takes have a point. However, I think that they also miss the nuance of the narrative, and I am not even suggesting that the prose is particularly deep or esoteric. Just that people love to be reactionary.

What I saw in Snow's character throughout the book was someone who was warring with various philosophical and personal dilemmas without having anyone he ever really trusted to talk through it.

There are moments with Lucy Gray and with Sejanus when Coryo almost opens up completely. When he has real conversations with them. But, like Katniss, he is a traumatized person who has a lot of baggage which makes him strategize and behave defensively with every decision he makes.

If anything, Coryo is LESS closed off than Katniss is at first throughout most of the story.

I couldn't source it, but I distinctly remember reading someone suggest that they believed that Coriolanus became irredeemable when he got Sejanus killed. However, reading through his internal conflict about the decision to snitch on him was one of the times when I found Coriolanus the most human and relatable. He was torn in every direction. He is someone who is deeply propagandized into a fascist regime whose family has a personal narrative of power and meaning within that regime. He also believes that the Capitol is necessary and better than the alternative. He wants Sejanus to survive and to change his mind. He wants him to stop putting himself in danger. He wants him to stop implicating Coriolanus by association. And yet, Coriolanus does feel responsible and tied to him, however much he hates it.

Coriolanus defends himself from emotional attachment and the cost of loving anyone, romantically or platonically, as a defense mechanism.

It isn't until he works himself into a frenzy and narrates what Lucy Gray must be thinking out at the lake in the end that he finds himself so utterly alone in his own head that he has no choice in his mind except to give into his colder side that he associates with his father, the Capitol, and ruthlessness.

Interestingly, a running theme throughout the book - without ever being explicitly stated in these exact words - is that Coriolanus is irreligious and doesn't believe in gods, rituals, or an afterlife. Every time someone brings up the stars or fate or performs some kind of ritual associated with passing on an even in the scene where Lucy Gray sings about the hereafter and therebefore, he can't help but internally scoff at the idea. He holds himself as more enlightened than those who believe in such superstitions.

But then, when he is all alone and trying to navigate his way back to District 12 with his father's compass, he starts to believe that there is some kind of spiritual guidance and blessing from his father, whom he never even felt close to except as an idea.

I think that Coriolanus's internal journey is an exploration of opposites and the divide that Lucy Gray describes and how evil is rarely even a boundary over which one cannot cross back into good from. It's just that, at a certain point, Coriolanus cannot bear the weight of his own guilt and misgivings if he ever turns back to a "better" path.

On the subject of Lucy Gray: I've got to say that I thought the book was effective in showing Lucy Gray as someone with dimension and depth that Coriolanus saw glimpses of but never really fully understood. Had he stayed with her and not needed "civilization" so much, I believe he would have learned to see her as more and more of a full person. However, the way she is written in the book, it is really hard for me to get a mental image of her at all.

Again, I think that this is perhaps intentional as a part of this format of the story. However, I find that I appreciate Rachel Ziegler's portrayal of Lucy Gray so much because without it, I'm not sure I would find that much to emotionally invest in. This is actually quite the opposite, as I like my mental image of Katniss far more than JLaw's portrayal lol.

Anyway, those are my wrap-up thoughts.

[frogtender]

HI I WATCHED S2 ACT ONE

and i'm going to be rewatching it multiple times before the next arc comes out bc omg mama we have been fed so fucking good i am REELING I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH

i want to interact with the arcane fandom on here more!!! but please keep in mind my takes are silly and surface-level bc my knowledge of lore is not that good and i'm not that smart <3

my thoughts and feelings below the cut. 100% spoilers livetweeted to my girlfriend so it speaks to her directly in some places but i'm not about to type out any other thinkpiece about this omg

- vi come to our reality bc u would love King for a Day by Pierce the Veil and Kellin Quinn (2012)

- jayce was saying to mel "how is viktor like basically fucking Dead and i wasn't hurt at all??? it should be ME in there (the hex core bacta tank)" and mel was like "there's no sense in things like this it's pointless to speculate" which would be a true and meaningful statement EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT people speculate her shining gold metal back and arm appliqués stuff is a Solarian shield (idk jack shit about Solaris but it's a thing i guess idk) so there is SUCH a chance that jayce was shielded by it but not viktor... which like... would be a dramatic reveal if mel was like "yeah i actually didn't want him to survive so i chose to only shield you" but why the fuck would she do that??? but in the very first shot which is of jayce coming back to awareness he is already Standing Up and mel is standing right next to him while everyone else has been blown tf around so. i am pretty confident that she shielded just the two of them... i hope jayce finds out and resents mel for it while still resenting viktor's machine herald shit omfg what if he blames mel for viktor becoming robot king... like viktor told jayce "i was supposed to die u promised to destroy the hex core" so viktor blames jayce but what if jayce blames mel WHY CANT EVERYONE KISS AND MAKE UP COME TF ON....TOXIC THROUPLE TOXIC THROUPLE

- the important character development of s2e1 was cait being really scared and intimidated about filling her mom's shoes but then by the end she is Girlbossified and has a hextech rifle... with three sights on it??? like regular glass sights but there are three of them? i have no idea how that would be more effective than just a single sight with a really clear lens but i also don't know shit about guns LOL. anyway she marched into the council meeting at the end like "YES I AM A GIRLBOSS AND HERE IS MY PLAN" and ambessa was looking at her a bit concerned... if there ends up being a power showdown between ambessa and cait it will be so fucking wild bc tbh cait is NOT very scary lololol like she's angry and she's got a gun but imo she's still the kind of person who would hesitate before kicking someones teeth in

- ok episode 2 zaun is going full mad max AND steampunk w half people wearing bondage gear and the other half being top hat bespectacled steampunk gentlemen.. its like a chem baron fight for power thing except they all fucking suck and i'm excited for jinx to kill them all (she kills 1/3 of the remaining ones in s2e2)

- VIKTOR IS MACHINE BOYYYYYYYYYYYYY "WHAT AM I" YOU ARE MY PERFECT BEAUTIFUL BOY SON!!!!

- i am so sorry and so delighted to announce that viktor in this form has somehow reached PEAK PATHETIC WET MEOW MEOW HE LOOKS SO GOOD

- i can't believe VIKTOR is being the lead toxic in the yaoi WHAT DO U MEAN U HAVE TO GO... THE ONLY THING KEEPING U TOGETHER WAS AFFECTION.... BRO MARCH UR NEWLY METAL ASS BACK IN THERE AND SMOOCH UR BOYFRIEND HE SAVED YOUR LIFE‼��‼️ augh okay i guess viktor will be an emo cult leader now

- sevika is TOTALLY becoming a new champion she HAS to jinx gave her a really cool new arm... its very silly but very cool i think u will like its concept.. but sevika and jinx team-up goes crazy actually i am a Big Fan‼️‼️

- VIKTOR IS MAKING ALL THE SHIMMER ADDICTS INTO MACHINE PEOPLE..... and it completely heals them and makes them young??????? broski WHAT like that is cool as hell!!! they look super badass after The Transformation even if i wasnt a shimmer addict i'd want him to do that shit to me... no wonder he becomes a cult leader he's earned it

- another episode ending with a vander werewolf tease SHOW ME THE WOLF ‼️‼️‼️ SHOW ME THE WOLFFFF i know at the end of episode 3 these bitches are gonna release da vander and then i will have to wait a week to see him forreal augh

- okay its 1:52pm im terrified to watch this tbh but this is the last minute i can start before hockey game

- EXTREMELY COOL ANIMATIC OMFG AND THE SONG RULES HELLO.... babe u HAVE to see this you'd LOVE IT OMFGGGG ITS SO GOOD

- ooh the dead son is a real dead son and also that old lady with the too young voice (amara i guess) was in fact related to the scary goddess thingy people were hypothesizing??? i think??? but thats who the medarda family has blood feud with ig we don't know much else yet

- YURI KISS OMG CAITVI KISS YURI CONFIRMED YAAAAY THEY GOT THEIR LITTLE DRAMATIC FIRST KISS SCENE WOOOOOO YEAH i was worried they were gonna make us wait for that but hell ya

- omfg there is a CRAAAAZY furry design in this bitch hello... who is she and why is she such a queen

- okay maybe ur right jayce does look unnervingly human LOL there was a scene between him and ekko where he looked WAY too good

- TOXIC YURI TOXIC YURI vi stopped cait from shooting jinx and also btw cait has been on a Being A Bitch arc omfg they were making out 10 minutes ago now they are BROKEN UPPP!!! because a random child has trauma-bonded to jinx as an older sister figure HOW THE TURN TABLES and she shielded jinx w herself and seeing that a child cared that much for jinx made vi falter about killing jinx. who is reckless to an apathetically suicidal degree now

- also um. jayce and da scientists seem to have touched the arcane a little too close bc?? they got transported into a Nothing Dimension and then the very nature of reality started glitching in a CRAZY acid trip sequence while jinx vs vi and cait vs sevika fight was happening... it seemed very much like an Into the Spiderverse kind of thing... very interested to see how this will continue to manifest in the remaining two arcs

- mel was just kidnapped by the black rose (??? cult???) which are the ones ambessa is beefing with.. they better not kill her i love mel i want her back safe she's too beautiful to die

- ambessa is in War Mode and she looks extremely badass even if i think she's at least 70% evil

- also cait shot off jinx's middle finger

- in an EXTREMELY bold move, ambessa appointed CAIT AS GENERAL IN PILTOVER WHICH IS NOW UNDER MARTIAL LAW????? bruh cait is getting an insane arc this season.. she went from naive to vengeance-driven and impulsively violent in 3 episodes

- oh my christ cait is fucking queen of cops now... this is so unfortunate for her character arc and so unfortunate for lesbianism

- ANOTHER VANDER TEASE ARE U FUCKING KIDDING MEEEEEEEE I SAID SHOW ME THE GODDAMN WOLF BRO

- okay so it seems like ambessa has realized that she can use cait as a militant pawn using her grief over her mother's death, bc she sees a ruthless quality in her... srsly cait's arc is insane rn

[lsleofthelost]

desperately going to need you to elaborate on chad's dream being a racecar driver actually hdjkfdsfklsdfds

that’s actually from my mutual’s @thebluestbluewords tags!! also i think there was some tie in media where he said it?

but as someone who’s into formula 1 i will take this opportunity to talk about it.

it’s no secret that racing is a very expensive sport to get into. so like 99% of all the drivers come from wealthy backgrounds. and as fans, we all accept that as a reality of the sport. but like i said, what i’m picturing for Chad is something of a Lance Stroll situation.

if u don’t know who that is, Lance Stroll is a driver competing for Aston Martin at the moment. and well, he’s not a bad driver by any stretch of imagination (or he wouldn’t have made it all the way to formula 1), he even was the second youngest person to get a podium iirc. BUT he is the son of multi billionaire Lawrence Stroll who is a part owner of Aston Martin. so yeah i think his family would invest in a team to secure a spot for him lol

so like. there are a couple of ways we can go here.

one would be, if he is the oldest son, he probably wouldn’t be allowed to pursue something like f1, since it’s so time consuming. so, let’s say, he gets into karting, gets into an academy, and he could probably get to f3 or even f2 before getting pulled out for his duties. but he loves the sport, the feeling of adrenaline, the speed. he’d probably be able to go karting recreationally but it’s not the same. he probably goes to as many grand prix as he can, keeps in contact with the drivers from his grid, hangs out with them during the off season, and talks wistfully about it in his interviews. i think people make sad edits of him about it

the other way, if he’s not the heir apparent, he would move up to formula 1. i think he’d start with a middling team. as a rookie, his first race would be a bit of a disaster, maybe even dnf, which causes ALL the gossip sites to rag on him but eventually he does get himself together and even has a podium finish in that season. he spends a couple of seasons there while his parents prepare the team for him and goes there. first season there is a dip in his previous ratings as the team is still getting used to it all but after that i think he’d have a solid career and is generally well liked by the public because he proves himself as a driver. he’s also really funny.

ALSO important to me. i think he definitely has a bit of a one sided rivalry going on with another driver on the grid, dating back to their karting days.

also also. maybe down the line he even has a hamilton-rosberg-brocedes thing with a teammate (if u don’t know it don’t look it up the lore will consume u)

people definitely make thirst edits of him taking off the helmet/stretching in the suit/spraying celebratory champagne. there are constantly articles and thinkpieces on whether he deserves his place in the grid. there are videos on youtube titled “(actual prince) chad charming being dumb for 10 minutes” and “charming team radio but it gets more chaotic”

[morally-grey-girlbosses]

Homura Akemi Propaganda Post

she fucked with time itself and shot a weird little immortal evil aminal for her gf what else could you need

A thousand thinkpieces debating the morality of Homura already exist, you don’t have to look far to find them. She’s obsessive, she’s toxic, she’s brutal, she’s doomed to a downward spiral of tragedy. She’s literally the devil. She’s god’s specialist solider. She’s an optimist, holding onto hope with her teeth. She’s driven by love and grief. She’s radical change in the face of suffering. She perseveres in search of a better future even though it costs her everything. She’s a teenage girl. She’s an asian catholic lesbian. She’s got a gun.

Homura is a 14 year old girl stuck in a time loop of her own choosing in order to save her best friend from becoming a magical girl after having watched her succumb to becoming a witch over and over again. She uses time stopping and time traveling powers and also straight up weapons that she's stolen from shady organizations. In fandom she's usually headcanoned as being catholic due to her intense devotion to Madoka as well as having a lot of guilt and hatred towards herself. In the 3rd movie Rebellion she literally creates her own ideal world where madoka and their other magical girl friends are happy and alive but Homura still ends up spiralling after discovering that she was the one who made this too perfect world and she ends up succumbing to her own despair by becoming a witch. She's isolated herself from the other girls since she's the only one who knows the truth about the magical girl system and is committed to working by herself so she seems untrustworthy to some people but Madoka still chooses to see the good in her, so much so that she becomes basically god so that she can protect all magical girls. And then homura kinda becomes a demon in rebellion after madoka saves her from her witch form and she rewrites the whole world again. But yeah uh Homura ... she's got A Lot going on and is in desperate need of therapy but at least she has a gun and a goal.

Literally so in love with another girl that she unconsciously created a false reality where they were happy together, then discovered she was the one who created the false reality when the other girl broke her out of it. Proceeded to become the actual devil, kidnap the girl (who was also god), and make another false reality again. Queen of trying so hard and making everything worse

Efficient girlboss who cares so much. She restructed timelines and rewrote the universe(morally dubiously, not to spoil anyone) for her very best and only friend

In the movie Rebellion, Homura betrays and dethrones God, taking her place, claiming herself to be the Devil and bending reality to her will in order to create her ideal world, without Madoka’s consent on taking her godhood. Therefore trapping her and the quintet quartet into yet another false reality, something nobody but Homura wanted.

Both the narrative and Homura herself view this action as corrupt, and the narrative considers it wrong. However, it is not evil, because her intentions were to be able to save her best friend, Madoka, from the cruel fate she saw her in. Homura doesn’t base her actions in the greater good, only in what would give Madoka happiness, even if said choice would go against Madoka’s own wishes, (for example, in the series, there is a supposed murder attempt against Sayaka due to her choices “making Kaname suffer”) said mindset being created due to the mindfuck timeloop that Homura stuck herself in attempting to save her first friend.

And even if she doesn’t care as much about the other members of quintet (and basically tried to kill Sayaka lol) she still gives them a happy life in her creates reality. So while stripping Madoka of her godhood and, depending on how the world building develops, *possibly* dooming the world to continuing to have witches, it was done with good intentions and the fact that there are multiple debates on fandom about whether that was a good decision or not shows that this was something with complicated morals.

If I messed this up sorry, it’s been a while since I watched the movie, haha!

[taylortruther]

this is only partly related, but I actually think the thrown out speeches in the archer aren’t related to the thinkpieces at all. imo she was referring to arguments, perhaps irrational ones, that she wanted to say to joe to push him away or reveal his dark side. the first verse goes, ‘I’m ready for combat / they say I don’t want that / but what if I do? / cause cruelty wins in the movies / I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you.’ the way I see it, the first line has a double meaning (combat for her lover, but also combat with him - the first verse addresses the latter, but the song ends with a declaration of the former). she questions if she actually wants to fight, because she’s been taught that’s what she must do, and then she brings examples of the combat she has almost engaged in through the speeches she has thrown out.

sorry I don’t know why I started analyzing the archer in your inbox, but I haven’t looked at the lyrics in a while and found them interesting lol

i personally agree with you but i didn't want to discourage that anon and i understand why they thought it might have to do with the thinkpieces! so many of the joe love songs are wrapped up in her fear of being hurt by him but also the world and both things made her lash out (which she describes in different ways throughout her discography - labyrinth, the archer, daylight, renegade, etc all cover this in different ways.)

also never apologize for bringing lyric analysis into my inbox, i love it!

[skaruresonic]

every once in a while my feed recommends thinkpieces on the Matrix films written by authors who miss the point of said films, so I guess it's time for yet another thrilling round of "watch the films"

Did. Did you see the part where Neo wakes up in his bed thinking the interrogation was just a dream. Because. Agents wiping people's memories is an established plot point.

Also, the Architect implies in Reloaded that most people plugged into the Matrix are aware deep down that they live in an artificial reality, but they agree to live in it at that near-subconscious level because they've been given the choice to accept or reject it. He says this was the most elegant solution the Oracle created to address the problem of people rejecting the dream world en masse. As long as people are made to believe they have a choice, even the illusion of choice will suffice. It paints a rather depressing portrait of humanity and its complacency, tbh.

---

No kidding.

The animated short detailing the history of the machines portrays scorching the sky as mankind's last-ditch effort to gain an advantage following a gruesome war. It wasn't something they approached lightly. Never mind the fact that mankind isn't exactly known for its long-term thinking and well-considered rationale in the face of terror (neither are the machines, for that matter; nuance whomst?). Morpheus furthermore claims that they don't know who struck first, machines or humans, but they do know humans "scorched the sky."

The original script specified the machines used human minds to boost the Matrix's processing power, but because that was a concept that would have flown over the audience's heads in the nineties, they changed it to "the machines harvest humans for energy."

---

To be fair, the sequels do take Morpheus somewhat to task for his dogma. His faith gets noticeably shaken by the events of Reloaded and Revolutions. Not everyone believes what he believes, but his beliefs do not require them to.

I won't argue that Morpheus is particularly righteous or even accurate most of the time, but I do think the notion that "anyone that hasn't been unplugged can turn into an Agent and kill you at any time" ought to be taken into account. Is it a little extreme that he calls every unplugged human "our enemy"? Yes. But… he kind of has good reason to, tbh. Agents can't exactly be reasoned with. The crew were fully prepared to pop a cap in Neo's ass "for [their] protection," as Trinity says, despite Morpheus' conviction that he was the man they were looking for.

---

Eh. Neo's muscle atrophy appears later, though I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for the sake of having a hard-hitting scene. Watch less CinemaSins, it's good for you. ironically enough, The Matrix is the narrator's favorite movie. lol and lmao

"Furthermore, there's an unresolved issue of why the spider-like machine simply doesn't kill him (and every other revived human) as they wake up."

Because you can't kill something you think is a corpse.

The maintenance machine removed Neo's cables because it registered him as dead… as a result of Neo taking the red pill. Morpheus says taking the red pill disrupts a person's input/output signals, meaning the connection between one's RSI and body has been severed, something that only happens if a podbound human dies. The signal disruption allows the rebels to pinpoint Neo's exact location in the real world.

While you could argue this technique potentially harbors its fair share of flaws - one can only assume human batteries die every so often, so how would they be able to pick Neo out from the unattended dead? - asking why the machine didn't kill him tells me you weren't exactly paying attention.

Things get a little more complicated in Reloaded when the Architect implies that the machines do willingly let a small portion of humans go as a sort of pressure valve to prevent the Matrix from collapsing under its own critical mass. Even then, the first film provides a coherent enough explanation that we don't need Reloaded's. You're assuming the machine believes Neo is alive when clearly it doesn't. It sees him struggle, yes, but because the red pill makes Neo emit the machine equivalent of an ant's death pheromones, the bot goes "welp, another one bit the dust" and proceeds to flush the "corpse" down the drain.

---

People always act like this is some fresh new take.

Well. That's kinda the whole point of his betrayal. To make you wonder what you would do in his situation. It's all well and good to speculate on what-ifs from the comfort of the fourth wall, but the film frames an otherwise abstract moral quandary in very clear terms. Is a life of hedonistic bliss better than one where you are painfully aware of the artifice of reality and constantly fighting for your life? It's not an accident---you're meant to ponder the question.

The Matrix franchise approaches the concept of freedom from a nihilistic lens. Nihilism often gets strawmanned in movies (Smith's own views function as a mouthpiece for such edgelord flanderizations) as a defeatist attitude of "Nothing matters, so why bother living?" Rather, a more accurate portrayal of nihilism contends that, because nothing has intrinsic meaning, you are free to create your own meaning. That it is dangerous to chase meaning as defined by premade structures like religion or philosophy, because these will dictate your thinking and keep you under another's control. In so doing, you surrender your freedom to truly discover for yourself what it is that makes life worth living to you. And indeed, Neo transcends Morpheus' and the Oracle's understandings of the Matrix and what it means to be The One in order to walk his own path.

The films ask you, "If freedom felt more like prison, would it still be worth striving for? What is the value of a freedom where you stand to lose more than you gain? Does freedom have inherent value, or is it hailed because of what it represents as yet another variable within these multi-tiered systems of control?"

Tbf, Cypher's resentment towards Morpheus was more understandable in earlier drafts of the script, where it's stated that Cypher was freed from an extremely young age and Morpheus had actually wound up killing five previous candidates he'd assumed to be The One. Some speculate that Cypher is jealous of Neo on the basis of having been a previous candidate, but I don't exactly think that's strictly necessary to understand his desire for a mindlessly hedonistic lifestyle.

---

Okay, I'll give you that one. Never really was sure how Cypher managed to catch the Agents' attention without getting shot on sight. Perhaps Smith recognized an offer he couldn't refuse, and, both characters being opportunists, he and Cypher leaped at the chance to strike a bargain.

It may also have something to do with Smith's ability to at least somewhat mimic human mannerisms on occasion. Agent Brown and Agent Jones are about as personable as cardboard, so it's my pet theory that Smith was designated to be the "human whisperer" of the trio. Hence why Cypher conducts his negotiations with Smith at a restaurant while the other two stand guard.

The scene where Neo sneaks up on Cypher implies Cypher had been doing some hacking in order to prepare for his meeting with Smith. He turns the screens off immediately afterwards.

Moreover, Enter the Matrix implies people are able to plug into simulations without help from others. I would assume Cypher used the same kind of equipment to plug himself into the Matrix.

During Morpheus' torture, the Agents manage to figure out that Cypher has been killed, thus implying that they were counting on disposing of him all along. Because Smith orders the others to continue as planned, it's kind of obvious they never really intended on giving Cypher what he wanted.

---

Petition to drop the phrase "hasn't aged well" from our collective lexicon. At best, it's a semantically null phrase. At worst, it's being deliberately obtuse towards media history as well as the creative process, a way for audiences to feel superior based on the fallacy of modernity. There have been tons of documentaries on the making of the first film, some of which are included as extras on the original DVD. I recommend you watch a few before you say stuff like this.

Admittedly, this one pisses me off a little because A.) yet again the "hasn't aged well" sentiment inevitably loops back around to overlooking the context and history in which the piece was made, and B.) fuck you, the crew worked incredibly hard on this shit.

"The most egregious offenders are scenes like the helicopter crash, where the building's windows warp unrealistically." - You can excuse people flying twenty feet through the air and dodging bullets, but draw the line at (flips through notes) glass exploding in a circle?

Imagine saying this about The Matrix of all films. The one movie that can handwave unrealistic elements through its premise alone. The film where the entire point is that unrealistic things are happening because you are not watching reality.

and then Neo was like "whoa.exe"

Secondly, the Wachowski sisters spent several months studying how glass explodes in order to achieve the ripple effect seen in the film. While CG was used to enhance the scene, the underlying framework rests on a foundation of practical effects. They made dummy rigs and ran through tons of tests to find the precise kind of glass that could accomplish what they envisioned.

The special effects director was pretty hard on himself during a watchthrough with Carrie-Anne Moss, actually. He thought some of the digital effects looked horrible, specifically Agent possessions, and said they could have done better. People saying stuff like this just makes me feel worse for him in retrospect.

Bullet-time looks unimpressive to you now because it's been parodied to death over the past twenty-five years. I fail to see how this is the film's fault.

Subjective perspective changes trying to pass themselves off as objective critique without taking any of a media's history or creative process into account are a part of the reason why I think "hasn't aged well" is a thought-terminating cliche and ultimately useless in discussions of this ilk. It doesn't effectively communicate anything of meaning. You might as well say "this film features moving pictures" or "this video game has controls" for all the information you're imparting.

---

I will concede that Resurrections was a glaringly obvious cash grab and a huge waste of potential. The first half of the film nearly rivals the the first act of M1 in terms of its psychological intrigue, building a slowburn of anticipation… Only to completely shit the bed, devolving into a cynical montage of fanservice and half-baked ideas that amount to nothing more than a shrug. I'm not a Neo/Trinity fan in the slightest, so the "hook" they hoped would reel me in didn't work on me.

However, I think there is more substance to Reloaded and Revolutions than people commonly give them credit for. Perhaps not as entertaining stories, but certainly there's a lot of cud to chew on in terms of the philosophical elements they offer. And this is coming from someone who thinks Reloaded is easily the most boring film of the quadrilogy narrative-wise. The sequels build coherently upon concepts established in the original, if you pay attention.

Reloaded's "We cannot see past the choices we don't understand" is a natural extension of the first film's mantra, "Know thyself." The inability or unwillingness to "know thyself" proves Smith's undoing in Revolutions, since during his "me, me, me" phase he does not do any of the self-actualization or self-reflection that Neo undertakes on his path to achieving peace.

Smith's fatal flaw is his self-myopia. He purports to know how the world works, but he remains blind to himself. And it is because he does not understand himself that he cannot understand others, and thus cannot see his own destruction beyond the brief moment of victory he glimpses with the Oracle's vision. Smith is painfully aware of every single thing except his own inner workings, and that creates in him a void that can never be sated. His myopia explains why he cannot conceive of why Neo fights out of choice. He cannot understand any choice because he does not understand the value of free will.

The inability to see how his character evolves throughout the "forgettable" sequels is what led to galaxy brains on Reddit concluding "Smith is actually The One huehuehuehue" based on the flimsiest of evidence (and a lot of pulling shit from the deepest sanctums of anus, since, let's be real, nobody in this Chili's particularly paid attention to what M1 had to say about him either) and it's like. bruh

[aghhtdraws]

ship name or not?

so I wanted to make a short post to get these thougs off my head but it'll get lost on my main so here it goes!

this doesn't really concern anyone who usually visits this blog for art, but it's more a thinkpiece related to the newer/younger tmnt Leo x Usagi ship (rottmnt x usagi chronicles respectively)

I’m seeing a lot of confusion (kinda) abt the tags to use and want to propose an alternative. How about “yuinardo” ? it sounds kind of funny (like the two characters), doesn’t sound like anything else (as far as my google search can reach), uses both their unique names and also capitalizes on how Rise!Leo is often called Nardo by his brothers as a nickname - among others, but that’s one of his most unique nicknames in the series and feels unique to Rise specifically. And Yui bc Yuichi - also just his name but a unique part of it.

I guess maybe the longer name could be something like "cityxfarm sword" bc those are the three consistent elements abt this younger ship. I know the latter is kind of uncreative but I can't think of anything better atm haha x'D

I was never around much for the 2003 leosagi ship bc- I was a baby on neopets and not online enough for that? 2003 tmnt was pretty new here and didn't air as often/quickly but also even in the later 00s, I did not really seek out fanfic relating to it bc - again, teen with not enough time lol, also social media and internet weren't really the thing they are now, so i wasn't really aware there could be fanfic of it. shipped and read other things. So maybe I don't know all my leosagi history. I kinda stayed away from the tmnt fandom in general bc it was mostly all angsty which I didn't really gel with anymore. alternatime ship names have always been a thing in all fandoms but I think right now we've been having the most versions of these two characters or this dynamic than ever before.

the 2018 Rise Leo x Usagi Chronicles has been getting more popular. ROTTMNT was a 2018 reiteration of the tmnt for animation that was really under-appreciated and has slowly become more appreciated as the fandom re-grew with the 2022 movie in august.

Usagi Chronicles is a spin-off/soft-reboot led by fans of Usagi Yojimbo, Stan Sakai's original comic about Miyamoto Usagi, but this time he is a great ancestor of a new character, Yuichi Usagi! and this Usagi is a creation of Doug and Candie Langdale (exec producers) + Khang Le (who I think designed/developed Yuichi's look?). So basically this is like a canon-supported fan-AU with an original character cast thematically based on the og comic cast (Usagi and his friends match Miyamoto Usagi and *his* friends) + the "Senso" Usagi comic as a worldbuilding point.

His naming is a bit confusing bc in Japan, Yuichi is usually a first name, but here in the show it feels like it's treated like a surname. But apparently, there was an intentional marketing move to have this be the opposite? So his real surname is Usagi, while his given name is Yuichi? There was a whole post about it, but I can't remember where else I've heard it.

Anyway, this series is my fave right now and I think it's fun in both it's lightheartedness and it's more touching moments and I love all the character and family dynamics and themes that it has. I think it's fun that people ship him and Rise!Leo because they are actually really similar in some personality aspects. I saw this show, realized there was crossover potential with Rise and thought, "oh, it'll be fun to do actiony scenes and stories with this kind of friendship!" Anyway, I'll do a deep-dive on that later.

Everybody likes this young version of Leo and then I guess at some point before 2021, other fans started making ship art/fic with Usagi? Often their own versions of Miyamoto Usagi, fitted for the Rise TMNT world bc the two never managed to have a crossover with this iteration bc of Nickelodeon pausing the show abruptly in 2020. I wasn't very online in 2018 so idk when else the ship happened, maybe when the finale of the show aired and the "unpausing" was finalized and fans realized there wasn't going to be a crossover? but now with the movie, more ppl have discovered that there's also a cartoon series for Usagi! And more people are slowly understanding/remembering maybe that this Usagi character has had previous iterations, ppl make their own versions/AUs for fun based on the newer Usagi show, or they don't watch the Usagi show and just make their own modern/ROTTMNT versions of Miyamoto Usagi in general.

This ship is a bit unique bc they are stated to be exactly the same age and they have very similar vibes as characters (goofs on the team + faux confidence + showoffs). When I first found that other people shipped this too, I just called it "2020s Leosagi" bc again, just the main thing abt them is that they're younger characters for a younger audience in their respective shows. + it's funny that there's almost a Leosagi friendship for every decade. I've also heard the term "cringe naenae babies" from friends but i don't really know what this meme means lol xD

I don't have beef or anything with the Leoichi/Leochi tag+name but it's sorta confusing for me personally bc it sounds both too short vocally and also like Leo's alone or something (Leo+ichi) I'm not fluent in japanese so I might b wrong, but just a thought. Leochi sounds similarly short.

then there's also the Usagi's who are complete OCs (w new names) and where do you fit those ships? and idk, I guess I just wanted to think abt this YuiNardo ship name more in-depth, just to think abt it , a bit for fun, bc I really do think it's a fun name but also make a new umbrella term, so maybe people would find it easier to tag stuff! but I usually don't interact with other fans in larger fandoms and ship fandoms like this so idk, this could easily be more confusing x3

Anyway, I think as fandoms and shipping go, it would be more fun to have multiple tags for different experiences, +these are different ships/versions of the characters so it feels like it would make sense. Just my fandom experience from previous years + for organizing/better finding + I feel like shipping should be fun, cuz in the end, this is just based from the og TMNT and Usagi creators being friends and making smth fun with these characters!

TL;DR - YuiNardo sounds like a funny/fun leosagi ship name for this younger iteration of the Rise!Leo-Yuichi Usagi friendship/relationship, and I wanna use it as the ship name going forward bc ships should b about fun and creativity, right? anyway, u can also use it if u want to! no pressure, just sorta putting it out there. - Aghht out!

Addendum(1.03.23): apparently, the Katanashipping tag was specifically for the 2003 ship - as well as the og Leosagi tag, bc that Leo x Miyamoto Usagi started it all. That makes sense! Sorry that I mis-tagged it originally! I did not know until finding the tags on tumblr and going thru them to the start of the tag - bc I'd been keeping away from the tmnt fandom for a long time after the 12 show + never saw it during the 03 show's run bc I wasn't online as much + social media didn't exist in the way it does now. I think everyone used Leosagi for that bc it made sense. I'll keep the tags for this post specifically in the hopes that more ppl will find it then and it'll give food-for-thought about this. Katanashipping of course doesn't make as much sense for the newer ship bc the shows have not had crossovers + while both characters seem like they are a bit obsessed w swords in different teen boy ways (preferring swords bc they are big and flashy), they are not as centered about the swords or swordsmanship as much as the 03 characters.

I know it seemed more like Leosagi was a catchall for all the Leo x Usagi ships, but now it makes more sense that it's not bc it's made searching for content harder. I like the "younger version" but i like the og too bc that's what I shipped as a teen (when the 03 show characters all just looked like Really Old Teens to me). I suppose that's just how the internet's sorta become - there'd shorter memory abt stuff, but fandoms especially as folks move on from shows they like and some of the history of fandom becomes lost. I've been on social media for so long now, I totally forgot how specific ship names could get. I guess that's why I suggested YuiNardo for the "new" version - it sounds unique. If ppl already shipped Rise Leo with their own versions of a younger Miyamoto Usagi and original Usagis, the "youngest" ship with Yuichi x Rise Leo needed it's own tag and that became Leochi/Leoichi (and w the earlier Rise Leo x Usagi ships, everyone must have used the Leosagi tag then too? Further investigation must be made about this...) now this Yuichi Usagi x Rise Leo version seems unique bc Yuichi is basically a canon fancharacter in a sense, as a descendant he is like a homage. But I like the character and I see that a lot of ppl continue to make their own versions or borrow elements of the Y!Usagi from SRTUC... but this means that almost all versions of Usagi depicted by fans are ALL fanon versions... and that's fine, I like how creative fans can get! But also that means we almost never see thr "full" show version of Yuichi Usagi in fanart (altho fanfic is a different matter, if only slightly). But that makes me a bit sad bc I think this version deserves to exist in our fanon and headcanons too, y'know? I guess my flaw in all this is that I actually lile SRTUC and its own og depiction of Y!Usagi bc he is a fun character for me while not many other ppl seem to like him. Like with so many other rare shows I like where fanon is louder than canon 😂

So, yeah Yui x Nardo. cute ship. if only there was more of it ^^; But a lot of the fanworks are still really interesting in their own rights. I think I'll keep using Yuinardo for the show versions and then Leochi for any other fans' versions. That makes sense, right?

Anyway, non-serious discussion over! Just some silly fan-stuff to mull over during school breaks and other free time.

[ddeongies]

i need to lock in so i can try and do a thinkpiece for chapter 12 but that will maybe have to come later(slash never...) bc we are in the same boat and my brain is mushhhh right now so this might also be incoherent but HELLO HI i saw and read ur update so quickly i think something activated in me like nmau sleeper agent. this chapter was so cute 🥹🥹🥹 i love them sm...to my earlier ask YESSS TRUST AND CONSENT IS SO SEXYYYY ESPECIALLY WHEN CHARACTERS RESPECT WHEN SOMEONE'S SAYING NO and it's so good to see that from both sides too, i kind of said everything i have to say abt it in that other ask but really it's just so lovely how comfortable they are with each other despite the still lingering uncertainty about the nature of their relationship AUGH.

i love ryujins inner monologue all the time but just seeing how yeji seeps into her thoughts more and more over time and seeing her just bask in this overwhelming presence and her blossoming feelings like shes down BADDDDD, just this headfirst tumble from plain attraction into (almost) love i love themmmm.

ik we love seeing sexy top yeji but her cutie side is JUST AS IMPORTANT!!! soft pouty yeji im so...shes so...and her unfaltering desire to do whatever she thinks will make ryujin happy like even though she had already said it was fine they weren't hooking up, still offering just omg chill. i love her. sometimes she needs to think about herself first though. but thats just adding back on to my earlier point like ryujin is there and counter balances where yeji's mind might go and reassures her that yes she does actually like yeji as a friend before anything else.

i love the level of intimacy they've reached in this chapter...playing with fingers while cuddling always gets me like . we are seeing each otherrrr its so important. and the soft kisses without leading into anything else like AAGHBH THEYRE SOOOO the way u write them is sooooo........

let me add the little bits i did have from 12 thinkpiece i half started ummm.

first of all. yejiselle IM NODDINGGGGG THEYRE LITERALLY SO GREAT i love aetzy i love their friendship u literally give them such a fun dynamic even though theyre not the main focus. second of all. i really appreciate the way you explore that quieter, more contemplative side of yeji, like we all know she's a talker but this yeji(all of your yejis really) feels so steady, so calming, so safe. the kind of warmth that puts you to sleep because of how relaxed you feel etc etc. third of all... when ryujin gets a little bit mouthy and then they start a playful banter oh exactly and the ROUGHHOUSING YESSSSSS like u literally get it u literally understand everything

ok back to business. i really like your descriptions of like. scenery. like even just beyond actually describing it the way you do it makes it feel like actual characterization both in the way things in rooms are set up and the way whichever pov character notices and describes things its so great.

...the eager beaver shirt...ur sick....i also love when we get to see snippets uve posted show up in whichever fic theyre from

i think that's all for now i might come back again later if i think of anything else im dying to comment on, also i saw u got around to my other ask and i loved reading ur answer so much like we literally are seeing eachother abt everything. (and dont worry about taking a while to answer them, i totally get it). as always. thank you and take care!!!

-🖤

omg i will eagerly await a chapter 12 think piece no rush no rush 😁 (and never is good too lol i feel you very hard on the brain mush issue godspeed friend)

i love showing consent and trust and stuff and one of my goals with nmau ryeji is to show like just them having this comfort and compatibility and mutual respect from really early on. like it’s not too hard to get through the slightly messier and more uncertain parts of getting together when the foundation you have is so good and easy! like do they know how to ask each other out? no! is it still worth it to keep trying? i’d say so!

god yeah yeji is SO much more present for ryu than she used to be like early on if yeji wasn’t physically there ryu wasn’t thinking about her so constantly but now…. she’s down just as bad as yeji is lol i love it and that’s what it’s like when you’re into someone… like everything is about them and you don’t even realize it

part of what makes sexy top yeji so sexy is the fact that she’s also this cute and pouty softy like she’s just all around precious and then she says or does something more 🥵 and it’s like oh…

but yeah it’s also really important to me that they had this baseline of friendship first. like you don’t need that for a good relationship (i literally met my wife on tinder so we dated in a very straightforward way lol), but for these two i really like it’s necessary for them to both get to the places they need to be idk

playing with fingers is so important….. especially when it’s something that irl ryeji be doing like please ladies 😭 and they both have such nice hands too 😭 (something that may be coming up in the chapter i’m currently working on lol)

i love aetzy so much they’re so fun n cute! (i also love yeji and jimin’s friendship, but it didn’t work out narratively in nmau sorry girl. giselle specifically felt like a perfect non-athlete friend for yeji to have in this story specifically i’m glad she has a role.

i really see yeji as such a steady, grounded, emotionally intelligent person. it’s very strange to me when people boil her down to like yapping and being clumsy (which are both parts of her that i adore), but like i think the more and more we get to see of yeji when she’s not in pure like Idol Mode (like in her instalogs) it just proves more what was already clear. she’s like a calm, observant, contemplative person and idk i think that’s really neat. ryujin has literally said if she’s the sun yeji is the moon like… it’s fascinating how little we truly know her (and i will stop my essay on how incredible i think yeji is as a person and continue to keep addressing it in my writing lol i got carried away)

also YES roughhousing is so important like they’re just acting like two kids with crushes which is what they are!! any excuse to get a little physical with the girl you like lolol

and thank you! i really try to make scenes feel grounded. sometimes i’ll do a first pass where i just focus on dialogue and internal monologue and then i go back in and choose like the setting/activity and try to flesh everything out

lol i definitely got a bit carried away here, but thank you as always for such a thorough and lovely comment!! i love chatting about all this stuff so so much it’s one of the best parts of writing in this amazing little community! 🥰

[lovelyhan]

i spent the last two hours reading this and i have to use the actual text editor to lay down my thoughts bc i fear that i'll for real hit the max tag limit if i go through it there LOL

anyways, mika my darling beloved, what is your obra maestra and why is it this fic? i went through an entire spectrum of emotions back and forth like a fucking metronome all throughout the story holy shit ?? childhood friends to lovers has always been a favorite of mine and i just looooved how everything was the same yet so different fron start to finish yknow? the little trinkets and symbolisms were always there but their meanings gradually changed overtime—the pink jacket, the cola, the radiohead songs,,, having these kinds of things to hold onto as i progressed through the story makes the entire experience all the more immersive bcs i got to see how the characters' slowly changed as well amidst things that were considered constants. i live for the juxtaposition of the plot devices, excellently done !!!

and i need to let you know that it takes a lot for me to cry over a fic—like, have actual tears streaming down my face you know ?!?! when she had the first argument with hao, it felt so so heavy and i could feel the weight of her frustration as if i was the one who was personally going through what she did. i was fucking GONE when i got to jun's argument with her and really, writing that can effortlessly evoke such strong emotions deserves nothing but praise T T

the main theme of being left behind is such a staggering plot point tbh. it works so well for fics of this nature because i got to see how reader grew into the life she currently has. not everyone is going to stick with you forever and even if she knew hao and jun and yiren werent gone for Good, i love how you kept a very human aspect of the reader and allowed her to feel frustrated at the prospect of staying right where she is when everyone else is out there doing their own thing, living a life that's far away from her.

also love how she tried to get over hao for real ! renjun's addition to the story was a really delightful surprise and while it's sad that he became one of the people who ended up leaving her behind, he's still part of the reason she could grow into the person she is at the end~

the part where she went to korea and unknowingly enlisted jeonghan and chan's help was immensely satisfying to read too lmfao it just goes to show how much of a family the boys are, and the fact that reader is jun's actual family in this made it all the more endearing to me yk ??? the scene where they made up really tugged at my heartstrings bc,, as much as i don't get along w my own brother irl, i's never want us to stay mad at each other for very long lmfao

AND THE LETTER !!! how could i forget the letter . what the fuck do you mean he uses it as a goddamn good luck charm oh my god seo myungho im going to strangle you (real!

i'd add even more to this little thinkpiece i have going for your wonderful, wonderful work but it's 2:30 am and i'm two and a half joints in and it's kind of a miracle how i managed to type all these somewhat coherently ASHDJAA case in point: this is THE minghao fic for me and i genuinely hope it gets thousands upon thousands of notes bc writing of this caliber should be celebrated <3

now if u'll excuse me i think i need to roll up a third joint bc i'm gonna be thinking abt this for a while before falling asleep lmfao

the letter — x. minghao x reader

i hope one word, one letter, will laugh and cry with you (the letter / ateez)

description. in which you’re jun's little sister and have been pining for a man so close yet so out of reach for ages. now, years later, when you see minghao all grown up, famous, and still making your heart flutter, you're not so sure what to do about your not-so-little crush.

genres. smut (18+), slowburn, fluff, angst, childhood f2l tags. idol!au, alcohol consumption & underage drinking, lots of arguments, oral (f receiving), Lots of pent up emotions oops, miscommunication, sorta hot headed reader, minghao is minghao and that is a warning enough fic playlist. w/c. 26.3k a/n. i had so so so much fun writing this! huge thanks to @gyuswhore bc em literally helped me through every step of the way & sat through me planning & switching around the events of the story a bajillion times, and thank u to @honeyhypen who read over this for me ^-^ now this is a weeeeeeee bit long and if ur here for the smut uhh idk what to tell u it's at the end but i highly suggest reading the fic first bc i think it makes it like 349784 times better >_< if u like this, pls comment & reblog, it'd mean the world to me hehe!

ENVELOPE

To: Xu Minghao

“Why are you in my room?” Jun huffs, turning around to look up at you as you stand by his door. In front of him is a massive, yet unfinished LEGO replica of Hogwarts. You frown, glancing at his friend who lays on his bed with a phone up to his face.

He’s Jun’s new friend, and you’ve heard your brother talk about him but this is your first time really seeing Minghao in the flesh. Shaggy hair hangs loose over his dark eyes as he peeks over his phone and glances at Jun, as if to silently ask who you are.

“Dad says dinner is ready,” you tell him, feeling a little timid under the gaze of the new boy. He’s only two years older than you, but the only interaction you get with high schoolers is your brother, so you’re feeling shy. He’s a very nice looking boy, you think to yourself, but try hard not to stare as Minghao uncrosses his legs and sits up on your brother's bed.

Jun’s eyes soften when he notices you standing awkwardly, standing up and pointing at you as he says your name. “My sister—two years younger,” he explains.

“One point five, actually,” you correct him with a roll of your eyes, feeling more comfortable now that Jun is initiating something. Your brother laughs at you and ruffles your hair while Minghao stands up behind him.

“Ya-da, ya-da. You’re still two grades below, so it doesn’t really make a difference. Anyways, this is Minghao,” he says, pointing at his friend behind him who throws you a small smile and wave.

“I know,” you blurt out before you even have a chance to think, heat flushing to your face after you realize what you said and see Minghao give you a funny look. “I-I mean because Jun talks about you a lot,” you clarify, clearing your throat. “Y’know, he doesn’t have a lot of friends so when—”

Jun clamps a hand over your mouth and gently drags you out of the room as Minghao follows behind closely with silent laughter. “That’s enough from you. Watch it, or I’m never letting you talk to my friends again.”

“Friends? I think you mean friend,” you retort, looking back at Minghao who watches the two of you amusedly. “Are you sure you want to be friends with someone so mean to his sist—”

Jun flicks your forehead and you push his chest. “Shut up already! If you scare away all my friends, all I’ll have left is you, and you’ll just have to put up with me all day!”

“You’re right about that,” you say with a heavy sigh as you all make your way to the dinner table where your father has set out a meal for the three of you. Putting your hands up in defeat as you sit down at your spot at the middle end of the table, you glance at Minghao who takes a seat with Jun sitting between the two of you. “I guess I’ll back off for now.”

Jun scoffs. “You better.” The three of you laugh together.

Yiren rummages through your closet, and you frown deeply. “Hey! You better clean that up,” you warn, rolling off of your bed and onto the floor, lazily standing up.

“I’m helping you pick out a nice outfit! You said Minghao is coming ri—” You scramble to your feet to slap a hand over Yiren’s mouth, eyes wide.

“Shut up! My brother’s room is right there—he might hear you!”

Yiren rolls her eyes, nudging your hand off her mouth with a huff. “Oh my god, don’t tell me you haven’t told him yet.”

“What?” you narrow your eyes at her, grabbing one of your bras that she threw onto the ground and stuffing it back into your closet. “You thought I was going to tell Jun that I have a crush on his best friend?” you half whisper, half yell.

“Uh, why wouldn’t you? You’re seriously missing out on your chance to have him help you get with Minghao.”

You scoff, looking down at all the clothes strewn across the floor. “Have you met my brother? He would flip if I even mentioned being with a guy, let alone that guy being two years older and his friend.”

“You don’t know that,” Yiren retorts, throwing herself onto your bed leaving you to clean up the mess she made.

“Yes I do. This is how I can tell you don’t have any brothers …”

“Well if you never make a move on Minghao, how are you ever going to get him? You gotta start somewhere, and maybe your brother is the first nut you gotta crack to get there.”

“If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t exactly planned on making any moves,” you mumble, reaching down to pick up a cute pink jacket you haven’t seen in a while.

“Uh, why not?” Yiren piques, sitting upright on your mattress.

“Excuse me, have you looked at Minghao?” you groan, slumping against your wall with the jacket in your hands. “He’s so … cool, and popular, and handsome,” you gush, and Yiren makes a disgusted face.

“Uh, no, sorry I don’t fawn over your future husband, so I don’t really look at Minghao but—”

“And he’s going to be a senior! Why would a senior ever go for—” you look down and gesture at yourself, “—me.”

“You’re seriously downgrading yourself—you know you’re a catch.”

“Yeah, not for someone like him,” you snort, flopping down onto your bed next to her. “It’s whatever, it’s a stupid crush anyways.”

“Yeah,” Yiren says flatly. “You’ve only been crushing on him for like three years—hey! Don’t hit me!”

“Then stop saying this stuff,” you groan, throwing a pillow onto her head.

“Okay fine, I’ll stop. So are you going to wear that?” she asks, pointing at the jacket you left at the foot of your bed.

“Yeah, I think I will. It’s cute right?”

“Mhm … bet Minghao will totally like it and—”

“Yiren, shut up,” you giggle, pushing her again as you roll off the bed. “Okay, so the pink jacket and these jeans?” you ask, picking one pair off the ground and holding it up for her to see.

“Mm, no,” she says while shaking her head, standing up to join you as she looks at all of the clothes she threw across the floor. “Let’s see …” she hums to herself.

“Yiren,” you say with a laugh, “I think you’re putting more thought into this than me.”

“Well I can’t just let my best friend be single and lonely for the rest of her life! If all you do is sit around and listen to Radiohead, you’re going to end up being sixty-five and alone in some cottage in the woods.”

“Hey! That actually seems pretty peaceful,” you try to object, but Yiren narrows her eyes in your direction.

“Okay well,” she drawls out, putting her hands on your shoulders so you’re right in front of her, “Imagine being sixty-five and living in a cute cottage in the woods with Minghao. Sounds better, doesn’t it?” You can’t help the giddy grin that makes its way onto your face when Yiren says that, and she punches your shoulder lightly when she notices. “See, you do want that! So just listen to me, okay?”

“Okay, okay, fine! Just tell me which jeans to wear.”

She looks down, picking through the denim before pulling out a light blue one with little flowers embroidered on the pockets. “Look, this is cute. It’ll match with the jacket.”

You nod along, not questioning her because as far as you know, Yiren’s fashionable instinct stretches much further than yours and whatever she says about this must be true. As you change from your pajamas  into your new, curated outfit, Yiren sits back on the bed and grins widely.

“Looks perfect on you. Minghao will love it.”

“You think?” you pique, looking at her with bright, beaming eyes.

She winks at you and you jump up and down on the balls of your feet at the excitement. “I want at least 25% of whatever you get from your wedding gifts. You both will owe me big time.”

“I’ll believe it when it happens … Anyways, you ready to go? Let’s wait downstairs and get some pop while we wait for Minghao to come,” you suggest, Yiren agreeing with a nod as she bounces behind you. Jun, it seems, is still in his room waiting for his friend, so you stick your head through his door. “We’re going down to snack a little. Wanna come?”

Your brother shrugs, pushing himself off his swiveling chair to join you. “You know if we still have those cupcakes? The ones you made last week?”

“I think we have a few left. Why? You liked them?” you exclaim happily, turning around to face Jun as the three of you settle in the kitchen. You reach for a box you kept on the island, popping off the lid to show him.

Jun grins and pulls one out and you offer one to Yiren who stands beside you. “‘course I like them,” he says with his mouth stuffed with cake and cream.

Yiren, shooting a look of disgust his way, says, “Ew! Please don’t chew and talk, that’s gross.” Jun rolls his eyes at her as Yiren stuffs her own face with the cupcake, sighing as she digs in.

“Whatever,” Jun grumbles after swallowing it down. “They taste really good, you should make them more.”

Yiren nods, tapping your shoulder, “Agreed. Send me the recipe too,” voice muffled as she continues to munch down on the cupcake.

“Didn’t you just tell me not to eat with my mouth full?” Jun mutters, crossing his hands over his chest. You laugh at the banter and suddenly you hear the doorbell ring, ears perking up. “That’s probably Minghao—I’ll get the door.”

As your brother makes his way down to the foyer, you turn to look at Yiren. “I would give you the recipe but I don’t want to be the reason your house burns down. Seriously, remember the last time you tried baking and—”

“Oh my god, is the recipe what you’re thinking about right now? Minghao is just about to come—offer him a cupcake! Show him your amazing baking skills and show him what a good housewife you can be!”

You give your best friend a look of bewilderment. “What the hell Yiren,” you groan, slapping your hand on your face, trying to hold back your chuckles. “Okay, I’ll give it to him but only because I want him to be impressed. Not because I want to submit myself to misogyny for the sake of a man.”

“Okay fine but—look!” she exclaims in a hushed whisper. “He’s here!” You immediately straighten your back and smile when Jun walks back into the kitchen with Minghao. He’s wearing some loose jeans and a black hoodie, his hair longer than before.

He says your name when he sees you, throwing up a wave and a smile. Minghao then glances at Yiren with a blank stare, pursing his lips together. Yiren chuckles nervously and clicks her tongue while pointing at herself. “Yiren.”

“Ah. Hi Yiren,” he says politely.

“You guys want some pop?” Jun offers when he opens up the fridge. Yiren, Minghao, and you nod happily and respectively call out your choices.

“Sprite!”

“Cola!”

“Cola!”

Jun juts his lip out in a pout when he turns back to the three of you. “I wanted Cola too, but there’s only two left.” You’re about to furrow your brows and tell him that it’s okay, you don’t really want any, but Minghao speaks up before you.

“She can have the Cola, I don’t mind,” he says casually, grabbing one can from Jun and handing it to you with soft eyes. “Here.”

“Are you sure? I don’t really care for the difference between Sprite and Cola and—”

Minghao chuckles and shakes his head, and you think you might just pass out when your palm brushes against his knuckles when he eases the cold can into your hand. “Seriously, it’s fine,” he tells you. You glance at Jun and Yiren who are busy opening their own cans, turning your attention back to Minghao.

“Thank you … Uh, do you want a cupcake? I made some a while ago and we still have some left,” you offer, holding up the box to him.

“It’s the last one. Are you sure?”

“How the tables have turned,” you laugh, and Minghao cracks a bright smile at that and holy crap, if you weren’t so busy trying to keep your composure, you’d be freaking out over how handsome he looks when he smiles. “‘course you can have it. I’ve had plenty of them,” you admit sheepishly as he reaches for the cupcake and brings up to his mouth.

“Holy shit. I don’t blame you for eating a lot—if I had these in my house they’d be gone in like an hour.”

“Right!” Yiren agrees, and you can’t help but chew on your bottom lip when you smile from the praise.

“Guess this is just a sign for you to make more, huh,” Jun says, walking to stand next to you to lean on your shoulder.

“Uh-uh! You gotta reimburse me somehow,” you protest, looking up at your brother with a firm expression.

“Please make more, they’re really good. I’ll buy you boba if you make more,” Minghao chimes, and it’s safe to say you don’t expect it from the way you cough on your own saliva. Yiren laughs at your reaction, and Jun only looks at you weirdly when you nod in agreement.

“Oh, so you’ll make cupcakes when he asks but not for your dear older brother?”

You roll your eyes, saying, “He offered to buy me boba! You know I can’t turn that down.”

Jun huffs in faux irritation, digging his hand into his pocket to fish out his keys. “Ya-da, ya-da. Anyways, would anyone other than my super fake, mean, evil sister like to go to karaoke now?” he asks playfully. All it takes is one glare and pulling on his hair for a few seconds to have him shouting out apologies as the four of you make your way to the car garage.

The ride to the karaoke place is short with Jun in the front and Minghao sitting in the passenger seat next to him. You and Yiren pile into the back, and the three of you scroll through your phones to decide what songs to sing later while Jun drives.

“I get to sing Creep, right?” you ask excitedly, bouncing up and down in your seat.

“How’d I know you were going to bring up Radiohead,” Jun mutters, pressing his head back into the head rest when he stops at a red light, while Minghao turns in his seat to look back at you with wide eyes.

“You like Radiohead?” he asks with a small smile.

The corners of your lips are lifted and your face brightens when you nod vigorously. “Yeah I do!”

“I think ‘like’ would be an understatement. I’m like 99% sure Thom Yorke lives in her skin or something because what she has for Radiohead is a lot more than just ‘like,’” Yiren says.

“No way, I love Radiohead,” Minghao tells you. Holy shit. So Minghao is attractive and nice and smart and pretty much perfect at everything and he enjoys Radiohead? You might go insane.

“Really?” Your eyes are wide with your jaw hanging open, leaning forward in your seat.

You hear Jun groan from the driver’s seat, and both you and Minghao shoot him a dirty look. “I forgot both of you are obsessed with Radiohead. Seriously, could either of you get more emo?”

“If you weren’t driving right now, I’d strangle you,” Minghao says bluntly before looking back at you. “Anyways, what’s your favorite song?”

“Junnie, please, can you put on Creep now? You know I’ve been waiting forever,” you plead, holding your hand out to the microphone that’s in your brother’s hand. The room is dark and lit up with red and blue LEDs across the border, making the room glow purple.

“But I want to sing another round of Taylor Swift!” he protests, pointing at the big screen in front of you while clutching the microphone close to his chest. You scoff, poking his side. “You know I’m not ticklish, so that doesn’t work.”

“You’re not ticklish? How?” Yiren exclaims, looking at Jun with wide eyes.

You turn to squint at her. “He’s weird. I thought we already established this.”

“Hey!” Jun whines. “See this is why you won’t be getting to sing Creep tonight.”

“Jun!” you cry out, and you’re about to pull out a string of complaints and curses, but then Minghao is stepping in, pointing at you.

“Put on Creep. She’s been asking for a while and I want to sing it too,” he says. Jun is quiet for a moment before sighing and handing you the microphone which leads you to puffing up your chest and smiling proudly.

“Thanks,” you chirp gleefully, as Minghao holds his own microphone up to his lips.

When he smiles at you, it’s kind and sincere in such a way that it has your heart swelling under your pretty pink jacket. Minghao coolly points at Yiren who sits by the control tablet. “Creep. Hit it.”

The air inside your house is warm as you skip down the hall and down the stairs. When the bell rang the first time, you thought it was just some package but when you hear it ring twice, you think otherwise.

When you peek through the little peep-hole, you jump up and down on the balls of your feet, a mix of excitement and nerves pools at your stomach. You open the door and Minghao shuffles in front of you at the doorstep. You haven’t seen him in a few weeks, and his hair looks shorter. “Did you cut your hair?” you ask the seventeen year old as you move to the side so he can step in.

“Yeah, it was getting in my eyes too much,” he tells you with a nod, a small puff of vapor coming from his lips. It’s cold, and you hear him inhale a breath of relief when you close the door behind him. “Thought the door was never gonna open. I was freezing my ass off,” he says, unwinding the brown scarf from his neck.

“‘m sorry,” you reply sheepishly as he takes off his shoes, following you through the foyer. “Jun didn’t tell me you were coming so I was in my room. He’s still out with my dad, but he’ll be back soon.”

“That’s fine.” Minghao shrugs off his puffer jacket, placing it on the coat rack while you make your way to the kitchen.

“Do you want a drink? It’s cold outside, so I can make some hot chocolate. Jun got the nice kind from the cafe down the street.”

“That’d be great, thanks,” he says, sitting down at one of the stools in front of the kitchen island as you take out some milk and hot chocolate powder. It’s silent, and you chew your lip while thinking about how this is the first time in a really long time that you and Minghao have been alone together.

Nearing the end of his twelfth year in high school and just like the first time you met him, he’s as enticing as ever. Dancing competitions with Jun, left and right, smart and respectful with the teachers, popular among the students—you're lucky you get to talk to someone as cool as him, even if it is only on the account that you’re his best friend’s little sister.

“How’s high school?” he asks casually as you boil some milk over the stove.

“It’s alright … English is still hard as ever,” you admit, dropping the powder into the frothing milk.

Minghao chuckles softly when you turn around to face him, and a small smile makes its way onto your lips. “Yeah, it was never my strong suit either. You still friends with … what’s her name? Sorry, I’m not good with names—the girl who lost her voice at karaoke when she came with us?”

“Yiren?” you giggle softly, recalling the memory. “Yeah. Still friends, still as loud as ever,” you say with a sigh, mixing the milk as it turns light brown. “How are things with you? Jun’s been telling me the dance practices you guys have is pretty intense. He always looks like he could eat a horse when he comes home.”

“That’s good to hear, and yeah, it’s all going good. It is pretty tiring, but it’s a lot of fun,” Minghao replies, stretching his arms behind his back as you pour out the hot chocolate into two mugs, bringing it over. “Thanks,” he murmurs, grabbing from your hand sitting down at your regular spot, one extra chair seated between the two of you as always.

Arm’s length, you think for a moment, before shaking yourself of the thought. “I’m sure the practice is paying off though—seems like Jun is always talking about some new kinda competition or something.”

“Mhm,” Minghao hums, taking a sip of the hot cacao. “This is really good, thank you,” he says with a soft smile, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel some sort of giddiness erupt in your stomach. “I think … I think we can really take it somewhere—our dancing.”

It’s a sparing thought that Minghao and Jun’s dreams are far beyond yours, and you have a bit of a difficult time trying to understand what he means by somewhere and if that somewhere includes you or not.

“You’re going to Korea?” your eyebrows furrow as you glance between Jun and your parents.

“Nothing’s finalized yet—” your mother says, but when Jun’s eyes flicker between you and the ground, you already know that this is set in stone.

“Yes it is.” Your voice is small when the words come out. “You—” you take a deep breath, “—you’re going.”

“Not now, of course,” your dad says, patting your back as he stands up, your mother following suit. “Talk for a few minutes, yeah?” he says as both your parents walk out. When your whole family walked into your room ten minutes earlier to tell you they had big news, you weren’t sure what you were expecting, but it certainly was not this.

And now you’re sitting with your brother on one end of your bed while you’re curled up against your pillows on the other, unable to meet his gaze.

“When are you going?” you ask quietly, finally breaking the silence.

“August.”

“That’s in a month and a half,” your shoulders deflate as you say it. “How long?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” You bury your face in your hands in hopes that it’ll muffle your cries. It doesn’t.

Jun scoots over to you quickly when he sees your shoulders shake, one arm going around your back to pull you close to his body, but you still can’t bring yourself to look at him. “How are you going to do it?” you blubber as your brother pats your back. “You can’t just go to a whole different country alone and—”

“I won’t be alone. Minghao is coming with me,” Jun tells you quickly. Now that brings your head up. You don’t care that your nose is snotty and that your hair is all over the place and that your face burns, you just need to see the look on Jun’s face to see that he isn’t messing with you.

The way his own eyes are glossy gives you your answer. “Y-you both got accepted into tha-that company?”

Jun nods. “We applied together.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were applying? I-I would’ve understood. You could have given me more time to process this and—” You look down at your hands, “Fuck,” you mutter to yourself, not finding the words in your throat.

“We didn’t even know if we would get accepted. Me and Minghao promised each other that we’d only follow through with it if both of us got in and we didn’t think that there’d be a high chance of that because it’s so competitive … I only told Mom and Dad because until we got the acceptances, I really didn’t think it was going to actually happen.” You gulp at his words, trying to let it all sink in.

“I think … I think I just need to go on a walk. Take a breather, y’know,” you mutter under your breath as you stand up. Just as you're about to walk away, you stop yourself, looking back at Jun who stares down at his hands. You don’t think twice before wrapping your arms around his shoulders and hugging him tightly. “I’m really proud of you,” you say quietly before rushing out of your room and down the stairs.

You shove your feet into some slippers in the foyer, rushing out onto the street soon after. You aren’t sure what you’re doing or where you’re headed, but you continue to trudge along the sidewalk until you’re walking down the main road.

The summer air is hot and stuffy, and you wonder if you feel so suffocated because of the sun’s onslaught or because of thoughts that run through your head. It’s surrounding you, breathing it in, it fills your lungs, courses through your veins, rushes to your brain—you don’t know what it is, but it’s uncomfortable and has you dizzy and your vision foggy.

You lean against a thick lamppost next to you, hands on your knees as you knit your eyebrows together as sweat beads down your forehead. What the fuck, you think as you breathe in through your nose.

You hear your own name bounce around in your head, and the sound only grows louder and louder until you’re muttering under your breath, telling yourself to shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. And there are tears in your eyes but you furiously wipe them away because while you don’t mind crying, you do mind crying if you don’t know why.

And fuck, there’s that voice again, your name echoing over and over again until it’s growing lowder and ringing in your ears. You think you might start crying again until the voice sounds familiar and you’re whipping your head up and standing straight when you see a car pull up to the curb next to you.

“Fuck my life,” you mumble to yourself when you see Minghao in the driver’s seat of the car. He rolls down the window and god, he looks so pretty with his hair back and upper body fit into a loose yellow shirt.

“Hey, what are you doing?” he asks you, brows pinched into a concerned expression as he looks at you, face flushed and sheen from sweat.

“I—” You’re about to smile at him and let the giddiness of having your crush talk to you take over, but then the words get caught in your throat when you remember the whole reason you’re out here. “—I’m just going on a walk.”

“In this heat?” He raises a brow at you. “Where to? Let me give you a ride. You don’t look too well.”

“Nowhere really,” you say with a shrug. “Actually, I might just head back home,” you rush out, turning on your heel to walk in the other direction so Minghao can’t pry any further, but he stops you.

“Wait, wait, wait,” he calls out, and you don’t have the willpower to ignore him. “Let me drive you home then. Seriously, you don’t look well—like you look like you’re ‘bout to pass out and shit—so just get in the car, please?” He says the last part with some sort of beggary etched onto his face and you just can’t deny him. Not now, not ever.

Pulling the door open, your limbs feel heavy as you climb into the car, air much cooler and fresher than outside. Leaning your head against the headrest, you let your eyes flutter shut as Minghao starts the car.

“Are you seriously okay? You look—”

“Sick, I know. I look sick,” your grumble, eyes still shut. You wonder if you should tell him Jun just told you everything.

“I’m sorry,” and you can tell from the way his voice doesn’t waver that he means it.

“Jun told me about Korea.”

“Oh.” Yeah, very big oh. “Just now?” You nod. “Is that why you were out here?” You nod again, finally opening your eyes.

“Hey, this isn’t the way to my house.”

Minghao keeps his eyes on the road. “C’mon, let’s get some pop,” he says, ignoring your statement and driving into the parking lot of a convenience store. He unbuckles his seatbelt and hops out his end, not saying a word, and you figure that you have no other choice but to follow.

Any other situation and you’d be grinning about spending some time alone with Minghao, but after hearing Jun tell you that he’s going to be traveling hundreds of miles and flying over borders within the next two months has your stomach churning in a way you don’t like.

You don’t know if you want to spend all the hours of the day with Jun and Minghao, or if you want to crawl up in your bed and pretend they don’t exist so it’ll hurt less when they’re gone. You feel stupid for thinking like this—you know it’s going to hurt either way.

You’re lost in your own thoughts as you walk into the store after Minghao, only snapped back into the present when he says something to you. “Hey, those are your jeans that you wore when we first did karaoke right?’

You blink once and then twice before looking down at your pants. They were those same jeans. “Yeah, how’d you know?” you ask him incredulously, and Minghao chuckles as he reaches into the cooler and pulls out a pink popsicle.

“I remember the flowers and how they matched your pink jacket. It was cute,” he says casually, and you hope he doesn’t catch onto the way your fingers twiddle together nervously and you avert your gaze. “Anyways, you like Cola right?” he clarifies when reaching into the drink fridge near the cooler. You nod shyly, thanking him quietly when he hands you a can.

As you make your way to the cash register, you fish around in your pockets for a few moments hoping you’ll dig up a dollar bill or something but then Minghao’s hand is on your wrist and he shakes his head with a smile.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll cover it.” He turns back so quickly you don’t have time to protest because he’s already sticking his card into the machine, throwing the cashier a thumbs up and walking out the store without a word.

“I could’ve paid for myself, y’know,” you grumble, following behind Minghao, watching to see where he’s headed. You think he’s going to get back into his car, but instead he plops down on the street curb, sitting on the ground. You just look at him for a few moments, contemplating what to do for a few moments before joining his side.

“Yeah, but I wanted to pay for it.”

The sun is bright and it beads down on you relentlessly, but you don’t complain. You both sit in silence as you both tend to your snacks—Minghao tries to lap up his popsicle quickly now that you’re out in the heat and you try to drink as much of your Cola as you can before it grows lukewarm. The air grows thick between you.

You can’t find the right words to say. You suppose there aren’t any right words or any wrong words, and that you can say just about anything right now and it wouldn’t matter.

Glancing at Minghao who takes a lick of his pink popsicle, you feel that uneasy feeling swarm inside of your chest.

You could kiss him right now. You could press your mouth against his sticky lips and lap at the sugar against his tongue. You could hold his face and run your fingers through his hair and cradle the nape of his neck. You could do anything right now and it wouldn’t matter.

Minghao, after all, was leaving.

But you’re scared and Minghao is mature and his dreams are big and he’s brave.

Your eyes linger on his plush lips for no longer than a second before you shamefully look down at the Cola in your hands, suddenly feeling sick to your stomach.

“You’ll remember this place, right? Like—if you get big and famous and stuff, you two won’t forget, right?” you resort to asking. You say ‘this place,’ but really, you mean ‘me.’ You don’t want to be forgotten.

Minghao watches you with his eyes clouded with something you can’t really make out. “Of course we won’t. We’ll remember forever.” Absentmindedly, you trace figure-eights into the top of your can of pop, and Minghao catches the motion.

Using his own finger, he traces the figure of the number eight over the cement of the curb. “See. Like infinity, y’know?”

You purse your lips together and nod, your mind going dizzy. “Can we … can we go?” you mumble softly, gripping the can in your hand. “I think the heat kinda got to me.” It’s not entirely a lie.

Minghao doesn’t question you, polishing off his popsicle and tossing it into the trash before unlocking the door so you can take the silent ride home.

Jun and Minghao flew out two months ago. You went with your family and Minghao’s family to bid goodbyes. It’s not like you wouldn’t see them again—give or take a few months and Jun would be back at home, but he’d have to leave again. And again. And again.

It’s sad, you think, as you slump against Yiren on some random person’s couch. You miss them so much, but when you think about Jun and Minghao, all you can see is the hard work they’ve put into going where they’re headed.

You feel selfish as you bring a cup up to your lips. You feel pathetic and lame and if you weren’t already drunk, you’d be wallowing in self pity as well. The alcohol tastes just as bitter as your feelings, and while you wince when you gulp it down, you don’t hesitate to let some more run down your throat.

Yiren watches you worriedly when you clutch her arm and shut your eyes tight. “I miss them,” you whisper, and she doesn’t know if you’re talking to her or to yourself. She strokes your hair and coos to you about taking you to lie down somewhere.

Your head spins as she helps you stand, letting the cup fall to the ground, not bothering to pick it up. Yiren pulls you into an empty bedroom and sits you on the bed. “Drink this,” she instructs, handing you a bottle of water.

“Yiren, I miss them,” you repeat yourself.

“I know, I know you do. Do you want to go home? I’ll drive you and—”

“No, you go have fun. I just need to sit down for a sec,” you tell her, letting your back fall onto the mattress. Yiren gives you a warning look, but you shoo her off. “Trust me, I’ll be fine. I’ll call you if I need anything.” She looks like she wants to protest, but you both know you’re on a one track mind right now.

“Please don’t do anything stupid,” Yiren begs as she walks away and closes the door behind her. You’re still dizzy, but not nearly as bad as before. Sitting up, you glance around the room. It’s simple—probably a guest room in whoever’s house this is. Also probably why the door was unlocked in the first place.

You feel you might pass out until your eyes land on an open notebook on a table in the corner of the room. You don’t think twice before standing up and ripping a sheet out, scrambling for a pen.

DEAR MINGHAO

I’m drunk right now. I miss you and I miss Jun. I hope when you guys come back again, we can go to that karaoke place again and sing to Radiohead. I’ve expanded my taste you know—my favorite song is Fake Plastic Trees now, and I even got a record player just so I could play the vinyl for it. Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.

When you come back, we should really go there again. Yiren’s been getting really tired of me singing Creep every time, so I need a new duo partner. And she’s leaving too, so there’s that.

I really want to kiss you right now, but you’re in Korea.

I miss Jun a lot too. I think I hate you for it. He’s my brother but somehow you get to see him more and talk to him more and be with him more. Sometimes I call him and it’s for less than five minutes and I hear your voice in the background and I don’t know if I want to listen to you speak forever or strangle you so you can never talk again. I get that Jun is busy, and that you’re busy, but you guys get to be busy together.

Yiren told me she’s probably going to go to college out of the country next year. I’m going to miss her like hell. I think I already miss her, and so I drag her to karaoke with me so she won’t ever forget about me and Radiohead and how garbage I am at singing Creep.

Jun says he’s going to come visit home in two months, and that you might come along. I didn’t know home was a place you only visit, but I guess being an idol changes you. I probably sound super bitter right now. I’m not. Maybe I’m upset that you guys are gone, but I really am happy for you.Jun is happy, and you’re happy, and I’m so happy you have each other.

It’s hard to focus on your exam—halfway through your degree and you still get the jitters every time you step into the testing hall. It’s probably the nerves. And the caffeine. And the fact that you’ll be seeing your brother and Minghao in three hours.

It’s mainly the third that has your leg bouncing up and down on the balls of your feet as you jot down your answers. The exam takes longer than you’d like to finish, but as soon as you’ve finished the final question, you’re bolting out of the large room and toward the parking lot.

Connecting your phone to your car, you call Jun as you back out of the parking spot. “Hey, you guys at the airport?” you ask when you hear him pick up.

“Yeah, we’re just getting out right now but there’s kind of a crowd so it might take a while to just get to the car.”

“I forgot you guys are, like, famous,” you mutter jokingly. “Where’re you headed first? Minghao’s place first?”

“Yeah probably. He’s gonna see his parents and stuff first and then I’ll go to Mom and Dad’s house, so you can just come there.”

“Okay … we’re still good for our dinner plans, right?”

“Yeah, actually I was wondering if Minghao could tag along,” Jun says, and you can hear some muffled shouting from the other side.

“Oh okay, yeah su—”

“Hey, look, there’s a lot of people here and I can’t hear much so just text me your response and I’ll get to you in a second,” Jun tells you quickly as the shouting grows louder. He hangs up soon after and you sigh heavily as you start driving to your parents house.

The ride is quiet but you’re happy to be met with gleeful parents when you get to their place. You’re all a bit spirited at the prospect of Jun coming home, so when you hear the old ringing of the door bell, you’re bolting to the door and swinging it open, jumping into his arms.

“What happened to ‘hi,’ ‘hello,’ ‘how are you?’” Jun teases as he hugs you close, awkwardly trying to shuffle into the house. You poke your tongue out at him when you finally unwind your arms from around him.

“Hi. Hello. How are you? You seem obnoxious, as always,” you shoot back, and Jun only grins, pinching your cheek tightly.

“Oh how I missed my little insane sister,” he says before moving onto your parents, enveloping them in hugs as you all begin to settle down in the living room. The four of you spend a few hours catching up with Jun before he excuses himself to freshen up so he can get ready for your plans for the evening.

When he comes back all ready, you’re pulling out your keys from your purse and waving bye to your parents, promising them you’ll stop by the next morning as you and your brother make your way to the door.

“See you later!” Jun calls out before closing the front door behind him and following you to your car. Minghao’s house is close by, no more than a five minute drive, and it’s quiet as you take the familiar roads through the town to get there.

“Should we go in?” you ask when you park in Minghao’s driveway. “You haven’t seen his parents in a while, have you?”

“Oh yeah, you’re right. C’mon, let’s go.” You both slip out of the car and make your way to the front door. Minghao’s mother opens the door and you spend a few minutes exchanging greetings and catching up before Minghao is stepping out, clad in some black jeans and a grey hoodie.

He smiles when he sees you, pulling you into a hug, giving you a chance to feel the slightly damp hair against your cheek and the woody smell that always reminds you of him. “Hey, how’s it been?” he asks when he pulls away.

“I-I’m good,” you say shyly.

“Let’s talk more in the car, yeah?” Jun suggests, turning back to Minghao’s parents to give them a hug before you all wave your goodbyes and get into your car.

“Where’re we headed?” Jun asks, as you back out of the driveway. Jun sits in the passenger seat while Minghao slips into the back.

“It’s this new place—opened just a few months ago so I doubt you’d have gone there yet,” you tell him as you start driving.

“Is it the place next to the cafe?” Minghao asks you, and you nod excitedly.

“Yeah … how’d you know?”

“My mom told me about it, and said I should try it out. I guess now’s my chance, huh.”

“Yeah! It’s really good, I hope you both like it,” you say, reaching over to the AUX controls to flick on one of your playlists. “Okay guys … are you ready?” you warn, watching Minghao’s eyes brighten through the mirror.

“Oh my god, don’t tell me you guys are going to sign Creep again—” Jun starts to groan, but you reach over and press a finger over his lips to shut him up.

“Quiet,” Minghao hisses to his friend, scooting forward in his seat so you’re in his view, placing his hands under your headrest. His fingers brush against the back of your neck and you’re scared you might crash the car from the way his touch makes you shiver. Fuck, more than half a damn decade and you still can’t fight it off. “Turn it up,” he instructs from behind, and you can only grin as you reach over and pump up the volume.

The deep rumble of snare and guitar echoes through the car as the song starts and you already feel your heart begin to swell in your chest. So when the first lines of, ‘when you were here before,’ leave your lips, you aren’t sure if you feel your heart mending itself, or if it’s salt being poured on the wound.

Because from behind you is Minghao’s voice, so deep and velvety and angelic it has you almost in a trance. He’s been good at singing, always, but now his voice sounds … mature, and developed and … and you love it.

You think back to the first time you sang Creep with him, and the lyrics already have you reminiscing when you both sing, ‘couldn’t look you in the eye,’ because goddammit you still struggle to look at Minghao for too long because you’re scared you’ll get lost.

And when it gets to the part before the bass is blaring in your ears, Minghao and you are singing, ‘I wish I was special, you’re so fuckin’ special,’ at the top of your lungs and you can’t help but let the irony sink in.

Now you’re pretty sure when Thom wrote Creep, he didn’t mean it to be about your love life, especially not the non-existent one between you and your brother’s best friend, but Thom is speaking to you right now, and you wonder if Minghao can hear the way you’re singing from your heart. How you’re singing for him.

When the song comes to an end, Minghao’s fingers brush over the nape of your neck one last time before he retreats back into his seat. You try to not mull on the feeling any longer, shaking your head of all of those thoughts when you near the restaurant.

“Here it is!” you chirp, parking the car on the curb. The three of you shuffle out of the car casually, making your way to the entrance.

“Looks nice,” Minghao comments as he opens the door for you and Jun. Your brother hops in merrily and you and Minghao both share a soft smile as you go inside too, your body nearly jerking when you feel his hand on the small of your back as he follows behind you.

His touch is warm and gentle and—fuck, does he know what he’s doing to you right now?

You’re more relieved than anything when he finally lets his arm drop, the three of you making your way to the table you booked. You were scared that if Minghao stayed close any longer, he’d be able to feel your heart beating through your chest.

You guys sit down at the table, Jun next to you while Minghao settles across the two of you. “So how’s your classes going?” he asks you as you look through the menu. “Jun said you had an exam today, right?”

“Yeah, it was my final one,” you tell him with a sigh of relief. “It was stressful preparing for it but it went better than I thought.”

“Good to hear,” Minghao says as a waiter comes along to pick up on your orders. After he leaves, Jun turns to you.

“What’s Yiren up to?” Jun asks you curiously. “Haven’t seen that girl in ages.”

“She’s, uh, she’s good,” you reply. “I haven’t seen her in a while either … she went off to college in Korea, remember?”

Minghao chuckles, “Seems like everyone’s going there, huh? Maybe you should pull up too.”

You scrunch up your face and shake your head while you take a sip of water. “I think I like this place too much to leave. Plus, who’s going to take care of our old folks if I leave too?” you tease, nudging your brother in the side.

“Mom and Dad can take care of themselves just fine,” Jun shrugs, ruffling your hair as the waiter brings along some food.

“Looks good,” Minghao says, holding up some chopsticks as you all look down at the sizzling dishes in front of you.

“It is! See?” you say pointedly, looking up at Jun. “Imagine I moved to Korea—I wouldn’t be able to eat this.” Your brother only rolls his eyes and Minghao and you laugh together while you dig in.

As you work through your meal and catch each other up on your lives, Minghao eventually leans back in his seat and sighs heavily. “I’m really craving something sweet right now.”

“I’d say we should pick up some pastries from the cafe next door but they closed two hours ago,” you say sadly.

“Oh shit, I forgot about that place. They made the best chocolate buns ever,” Jun mutters to himself, polishing off his plate.

“Let’s go to the cafe tomorrow evening, yeah?” Minghao suggests as he takes a sip of water. At the suggestion, you chew at your lip.

“Uh, I don’t think I can go then,” you say, hoping they won’t pry any further.

Of course, your brother doesn’t allow you a second of peace. “Why not? Your last exam was today, right?”

“Yeah, but I have stuff to do,” you reply nonchalantly. Jun scoffs and tugs your ear, causing you to whine. “What was that for?!”

“You didn’t clear your schedule out for me? I thought you missed me! You know I have to leave in like a week,” he complains, and you and Minghao share an amused look as you nudge Jun on the side.

“Relax, you can have me in the morning and afternoon and everything … I just have to go somewhere for the evening.”

“You’re being really ominous about this, you know,” Jun retorts, crossing his arms over his chest. “Where’re you going?”

You chew on your tongue, contemplating if this is the right moment to bring it up, or if you should even tell Jun and Minghao this at all. “I just have to see someone.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Jun groans. “You’re literally asking me to pry. Tell me who—a boyfriend?” You chuckle nervously, eyes flickering between Minghao and your brother, shaking your head.

“No—not a boyfriend,” you say dryly, scoffing at the irony. “Remember Renjun? I told you about him when I was in freshman year.”

“Vaguely. Remind me who he is again?”

“He’s just a guy, and he has some of my stuff I need to pick up.” Both Minghao and Jun cock an eyebrow at you after that. “What?” you huff, leaning back in your seat.

“An ex?” Minghao asks and your face burns.

“I—yeah,” you say casually. “An ex.”

Jun frowns deeply. “I didn’t know you and Renjun ever dated. I didn’t even know you ever had a boyfriend,” he says, voice evidently upset that he was left out of this.

“It wasn’t that serious,” you pat his shoulder as to soften the blow. “Plus it happened when you were on tour—we hardly talked then.”

“Still! You could’ve told me!” You bite back a, ‘But could I really?’ because this isn’t the time or place for that.

“It’s whatever. I just need to pick up some stuff I left at his place and—”

“So it ended pretty recently then?” Minghao piques, and your eyebrows furrow, slightly annoyed by both of their belated interest in your love life.

“What, no! It’s been months and—wait, I don’t see how that’s any of your guys’ business,” you huff and Minghao backs off a little, but Jun still stays curiously leaning in.

“Whatever. You’ll be available to come with us to the lake on Friday though, right?” Jun asks, pulling out his phone and holding it up to your face to show you a picture of a lake house. “I booked a place to stay the night and all.”

“Of course I’m going to come—I’ve been looking forward to it!”

“Good,” Jun says gruffly, still somewhat glaring at you.

You give him a funny look. “What?”

“I’m still mad you never told me—you’re supposed to tell me this stuff! How else am I supposed to know that you’re doing fine on your own and actually growing up.”

“Oh my god, Jun, I’m an adult! Did you think I would never have boyfriends?”

“No! At least not without telling me!”

You chuckle and Minghao follows in suit, enjoying the little sibling bicker. “Okay fine. I’m sure I’ll be telling you every detail of my love life when it gets resurrected.”

Minghao snorts at your use of words, and you revel in the way the sound makes you feel. Fuck it, it’s been more than half a decade and you still get butterflies—you can’t fight away the feeling, so you might as well wallow in it.

You wonder what Jun would think about this—your love life being pulled and shaken by his own best friend. Oh well, some secrets are best kept hidden anyways.

“Here’s your stuff,” Renjun says softly, handing you a paper bag that’s stuffed with a wide array of your belongings.

“Thank you. Is my pink jacket in there? I’ve been looking for it for a while and I didn’t know if I left it at yours,” you ask timidly, holding the paper bag close to your chest.

He scratches the back of his head as he steps back, nodding. “Uh, yeah I think it’s at the bottom.” You peer down at the contents of your back, and give a half smile when you see the pink cloth peeking out from underneath.

“Thanks for taking care of my stuff. I know you’ve basically moved out and all.”

“No worries. Do you, uh, need a ride home or anything? It’s pretty cold.”

You purse your lips at the offer, but shake your head. “It’s fine …” There’s an awkward silence and you quickly wonder if you should say anything more. Renjun looks awfully … apologetic right now and you feel there’s some more you can say. “How’s your new place? Have you seen it?”

“Yeah, I flew up there a few weeks back to get some of my main stuff shipped. A nice apartment, way bigger than whatever I had here,” he says with an awkward chuckle. You appreciate the effort.

Nodding, you tighten your grip on the bag. “That’s good to hear. I hope it all goes well with you. I … I think I’ll be taking my leave now. My brother’s back in town so …”

“Oh yeah, I heard from Jianing. Hope you’re having a good time—I know you haven’t seen him in ages.”

“Thank you. Anyways, I’m gonna get going now. Thanks again,” you say as you step back, throwing out a small wave.

A half-hearted, “See you,” leaves Renjun’s lips as you turn on your heel and start walking back to the bus station. There’s no promise of seeing Renjun later, or ever again, and something cold sinks in your stomach at the thought.

The thought that this all could’ve been avoided if Renjun hadn’t gotten that stupid job offer hundreds of miles away. If he didn’t decide to pack his bags and fly away just like Jun, like Yiren, like Minghao. Renjun was leaving, just like everyone else.

You clutch the paper bag close to your chest as you make your way to the bus stop, one hand fumbling in the pocket of your jacket as you search for your wallet and within seconds you’re a frantic mess. “Shit,” you mutter under your breath. “Shit, shit, shit!” you cry out when you drop your bag and pat frantically over your pockets to try and feel for your wallet.

Your digging into every crook of the coat and there’s a growing feeling of dread that washes over you once you realize that you lost your fucking wallet. Hands clenched at your side, you feel hot tears well up in your lash line as you stare down at the ground, letting in the shitty events of today sink in.

You don’t even know why you’re crying now. It’s hardly even cries, really, you’re downright sobbing as you plop down on the curb of the empty street, fumbling with your phone as you pull up Jun’s contact. Pressing the phone to your ear, you shut your eyes tight in an attempt to calm down your breath, but when you hear the line go dead you cry even harder, realizing that Jun is probably napping right now.

“Fuck my life,” you complain to yourself, letting your head hang low as you scroll through your phone. You aren’t even sure what compels you to click on him but before you know it you’re on speaker as you hear the buzzing of the phone as you wait for Minghao to pick up.

One ring. Maybe he’s busy.

Two rings. He might be looking for his phone.

Three rings. He probably won’t pick up.

Four rings, and you’re about to hang up but then it stops. “Minghao?”

Minghao’s voice is cool and calm when he says your name. “Do you—”

“I need your help,” you say so quietly you aren’t sure if he’ll be able to hear it. And then Minghao hears it: your soft pants and shaky breath and something about the sound has him squeezing his phone tightly.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m—” No, I feel like shit and I’m freezing my ass off and it’s so cold and I need you to help me. “Can you pick me up? I lost my wallet which has my bus card. I’m sorry, I know it’s a little late and you’re probably busy but—”

“Send me your location.”

Minghao is pulling up in his black car within twenty minutes and by then you’ve had enough time to wipe the tears from your face and piece together yourself to look presentable. Rolling down the windows as you wave over to his car, you hear the doors click and you’re roughly yanking on the door and throwing your stuff and yourself in.

Minghao raises a brow at your ruckus, asking once again, “Are you okay?” When you only sigh heavily, buckling yourself up, you hope Minghao will just leave it alone. You’d rather not talk about the stupid breakdown you just had in front of your childhood crush.

Minghao clearly doesn’t get the message, so when he starts the engine again, he murmurs, “Have you been crying?” You purse your lips together tightly as if the question itself as the tears bubbling up to the surface once again. “Did meeting with Renjun not go well?” You’re surprised he remembers his name—Minghao was never great with names. “Can you say something? I’m worried.”

“Sorry,” you say softly, letting your shoulder drop down, and from the corner of your vision you see Minghao watching you carefully. “I-I just got overwhelmed. And it was cold. Really cold. And then—” You take a shaky breath. “—and I lost my fucking wallet on top of it and it’s all so shitty and—”

His hand is on your shoulder and you hardly realize that Minghao has pulled over and parked so he can turn to face you. You’re crying again and you don’t even know how this fucking happened, all you know is that there’s so much going on in your head and Minghao is right there, he’s so close but then again, he’s so far.

“Hey, hey calm down for a sec’,” he says calmly, gripping your arm firmly. “Breathe slowly, and tell me what happened.”

You inhale sharply through your nose and scrunch your face up as you bury your head in your hands. In your right mind, you wouldn’t even think about telling Minghao about what’s on your mind but it’s been a really terrible past hour and you can’t control yourself.

“Renjun’s leaving. Didn’t want to do long distance and so he’s gone and—fuck, I don’t even blame him but why’d he have to leave,” you ramble, tears streaming down your flushed cheeks as Minghao pats your back gently.

“Did he say something to you when you met with him?” he asked, tone laced with concern. “I’m sorry, I’m just—are you o—okay please don’t cry.”

You don’t know why, but Minghao telling you to cry only makes the tears fall faster. “And Yiren—” you hiccup, “Yiren left too, I haven’t seen her in months and Jun a-a-and you—you’ve all been gone.” You don’t realize when Minghao grabs both your shoulders and forces you to face him completely.

“Slow down, please. No one’s left you, we’re all going to be here for you, you know that. Did Renjun say something which made you think like this?” he asks, the grip on your shaking shoulders growing tighter as you desperately try to steady yourself.

“N-no, but you’re not here. I hardly ever get to see my own brother and Yiren and you and Renjun and everything is so shitty I just—” you cry out and suddenly you stumble forward in the seat and before you know it Minghao’s arms are around you.

It’s not like you haven’t hugged him before but this is the first time you’re blubbering into his shoulder about your feelings, and if you weren’t so sad, you’d be fucking appalled. His warm hand is on your back, rubbing up and down slowly until you’ve finally found the conscience to actually breathe and realize just what’s going on.

Slowly, you pull away from Minghao’s hold, furiously wiping away at your face to dry yourself, looking down at your lap bashfully. “I am so sorry, what the fuck, I-I don’t know what came over me,” you blurt out when Minghao drops his hands from your shoulder. You miss the warmth, but you’re quite very embarrassed with yourself and don’t have the will to chase after his touch.

“Please don’t apologize,” Minghao replies softly, watching you with wide eyes. “That … was a lot and—”

“I’m sorry, look, I was just having a shitty day and it all piled up and you just—I don’t know I guess, let’s just pretend this never happened,” you beg with him. Minghao’s face looks like he wants to say more, but you really can’t tell with the way his eyes are clouded.

“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me.”

You gulp at the irony. No, you really can’t. You can’t tell Minghao anything, really, because even after crying and sobbing and wailing in his car he still looks at you with so much care and it has these stupid fucking butterflies erupting in your stomach like you’re fifiteen with a massive crush on your brother’s best friend.

“Can you just please drive me to my place?” you ask, looking up at him with pleading eyes. “I think I just really need to sleep.”

You can tell Minghao still has questions, but you don’t seem too willing to answer them so he doesn’t say anything when he nods and turns back to the road. The ride is silent, and when he finally parks he pats your shoulder.

You look out the window and furrow your eyebrows. “This isn’t my apartment complex …” you tell him, confused as you see a convenience store in front of you. The same one.

“C’mon, I know you love pop,” he says casually, unbuckling his seatbelt leaving you with no other choice to follow behind him. There’s an odd sense of deja vu that envelopes over you, shoving your pockets into your jacket shyly.

“Remember the last time we were here?” Minghao asks with a chuckle as you guys walk into the store.

“Don’t remind me,” you murmur. “That was a shitty day.”

Minghao gives you a nervous smile as he pulls out a can from the fridge and hands it to you, grabbing his own bottle as well. “Yeah, but Cola made it better, right?”

“I guess it did. Cola always makes things better,” you admit. “Hey, fuck you,” you say jokingly when Minghao pulls out his wallet. “You should’ve taken me here another time when I actually had my wallet—I need to pay you back for that day!” you whine with a pout. “Now I’m in debt to you twice! You’ve bought me two Colas!”

Minghao rolls his eyes playfully as he pays for the drinks. “Yeah well things are different now, and I’m pretty sure my wallet doesn’t care about the cost of two Colas.”

“Is Mr. Big and Famous too good for my money now?” you huff when you step back outside, opening your Cola. “I will pay you back, no matter how stupidly rich you get.”

“I’ll have to hold you to that,” Minghao laughs as you slip back into his car. The air is lighter as he drives you back to your place for real this time, and the lingering feeling of pop on your tongue is sweet and fun.

“Thank you for the ride. And the Cola,” you add when he’s in front of your building.

“You remember what I said?”

You nod as you step out of the car, picking up your brown bag. “Thank you so much for this. I’m sorry again.”

“Stop apologizing. Is there … is there anything else I can do? You want another Cola perhaps?”

“Very funny, but I don’t think I want to be jumping off the walls tonight …” you answer, closing the door but still peering through the open window. You think for a second as you chew your lip, nodding when you come up with something. “But do me a favor … don’t tell Jun.”

Jun takes you out to the lake house he booked three mornings after you met with Renjun and sobbed to Minghao in his car. It’s a refreshing turn of events, if you’re being honest, and you’re eager to sink into a relaxing weekend after a stressful exam season.

Your brother drives the three hours on the way with the promise of you driving on the way home hung over your head. When you reach the house—a medium sized cabin perched right by the lake and surrounded by trees and mountains—you’re greeted with the sight of Minghao sitting in his car and scrolling on his phone.

As you and Jun pile out of the car and grab your bags, Minghao comes out too, walking toward you with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “Thought you guys would never come. If you were gonna be late you should’ve just given me the keys to this place,” he says with a huff.

“Don’t blame me,” Jun shrugs, locking the car after you’ve both taken out your stuff, walking up to the cabin’s entrance. “She’s the one who wanted to stop and buy some pop.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t want it either,” you retort, reaching into your tote bag to hand Minghao a can of Cola. “Here,” you offer with a smile which he returns gleefully.

“Okay actually, totally valid reason,” Minghao says, flicking open the can before taking a sip.

“Hey! Don’t be on her side,” Jun whines as he opens up the cabin. Minghao and you chuckle together, your heart warming at the sound as you three start to load your things into the house. Minghao doesn’t say anything about that night when he picked you up, and for that much you’re grateful. This much, you can manage.

By the time you all have settled your things into your respective rooms it’s noon and the sun pummels down with admirable strength. As you stick your head out of your room, you catch Jun making his way down the hallway toward the bathroom.

“You going for a swim?” you ask, gesturing down to your swimsuit that you’ve already eagerly put on.

“Nah, I’m gonna go later. I need to take a call right now,” he says with a sigh and you nod, about to retreat back to your room before Minghao walks out of his own room.

“I’ll go if you’re going,” Minghao tells you casually, and you don’t waste a second to nod. “Give me five so I can get changed and then we can go out.”

You jump down the hall excitedly after he closes the door behind him, making your way to the backyard porch which leads into a deck over the lake. As you place your towel on one of the chairs outside, you hear the sliding door open.

Minghao walks out shirtless, lower half only covered with his swim trunks as he runs a hand through his shaggy hair, shaking his head lightly as he makes his way towards you, placing his towel next to yours. “Thanks for waiting … shit, it’s hot as hell,” he murmurs, and you’re thankful that you’re facing away from him right now—you aren’t sure you’d be able to handle the proximity and the sight of his bare upper body.

“Yeah,” you agree, finally straightening your back and putting some distance between the two of you when you start walking towards the edge of the deck. “The water’s so clear,” you think out loud, looking down at the blue lake in front of you.

“It’s really pretty … you want a picture?” Minghao suggests, walking up behind you.

“I would, but I left my phone inside.”

“Let’s just take it on my phone,” he says casually, holding up his phone in front of you, waving at you to step back a little so he can take a picture. “A candid one would look pretty with this view—like you’re looking out at the lake and stuff,” he begins to say, placing a smooth hand on your shoulder so he can manually turn you around so that you’re facing away from him.

When he lets his hand drop, it brushes over the curve of your hip and you have to bite down on your lip to stop the pathetic whimper that threatens to escape your lips. Luckily, Minghao can’t see the pained expression that makes its way onto your face as he steps back holding up his phone.

“Okay ready …” he calls out from further behind. “Three … two … one!” You hear a faint tapping sound as you still, letting Minghao take the pictures as you wait patiently. It takes a few moments, and you’re about to ask him how much longer he’s going to go at it before you hear the sound of something being dropped, and then a few rattling thuds.

“Minghao, what—” you begin to question as you slowly turn on your heel but by then it’s too late. “WHAT THE F—”

Your scream is cut off short when Minghao runs forward and lunges at you, one arm wrapping itself around your waist as he jumps into the water, bringing you down with him. The cool water of the lake hits your body and the wind gets punched out of your lungs as you feel your limbs entangle with his. Instinctevely, your arms tighten around one of his as your eyes press closed tightly as you feel your warm body start to level with the temperature around you.

And so even as your legs kick around for a few panicked moments, you begin to feel oddly at peace when your head finally reaches the surface of the water, Minghao’s hand still steady over your hips as you gasp for air.

“You’re a bitch for that,” you say, a few choked giggles escaping your lips as you do. Minghao finally unwinds his arm from yours, and while you miss the contact, his body is still dangerously close to yours, and you figure that that is already more than you can manage.

Minghao smiles gleefully, pushing his face so close that it’s right up in front of you. “Mm maybe, but it was really funny. Got it on video too.”

“What?!” you screech, swimming backward so quickly that you hit  your head on the wooden platform of the deck. “Crap!” you exclaim, hand immediately flying up to press against the throbbing crown of your head. Minghao’s eyes widen with concern as he wades his way towards you, tall enough to still have his feet touch the lake bottom unlike you.

“Shit, I’m sorry, are you okay?” he asks worriedly, his own hand coming up to feel the back of your head. His eyes are big and brown as he looks down at you, and for this moment, you forget about the dull ache and bask in the way the sun hits his skin so perfectly he glows.

“I’m fine!” you squeak quickly, letting your hand drop so you can tread in the water lightly, slowly moving a safe distance away from the deck.

“A-are you sure?” he probes, making his way to you, and you have a moment to admire him from afar—the way his hair is matted against his forehead and water drops gather at his lashes, making his eyes look prettier than ever.

You chuckle at the way his lips are pursed together apologetically, and you splash some water at him to lighten the mood. “Yes, Minghao, I’m great. I hardly hit myself.” Minghao’s face looks uneasy, and you laugh again.

It takes a few more minutes of you trying to convince him that you’re totally fine before he finally lets it go. Eventually, you find yourself on a big inflated duck-shaped floaty, laying down with your face up and eyes closed. You lose track of time, enjoying the white noise of Minghao splashing around in the water around you, drifting off into a hazy state until you hear a loud yell and feel yourself being flipped over and off your floaty.

“Jun!” you whine, rubbing your eyes as you furiously push hair off your face when you resurface, glaring at both Jun and Minghao laugh side by side. “You guys have to stop doing this to me,” you groan, eyes finally adjusting to its normal state.

“What are you talking about?” Jun asks innocently as you make your way over to the two of them, not bothering to turn your duck floatie back up right. “It was just an accident I fell on you—hey!” he yells out when you lunge at him. Minghao steps back quickly as you and Jun waddle and fight in the water, splashing water at each other while you try and get your revenge.

“Okay! Okay! I’m sorry,” Jun admits with a pout. “You didn’t do this to Minghao after he dunked you in the water,” he complains as you release him.

You narrow your eyes. “How do you know about that?”

“He sent me the video.”

“Minghao!” you exclaim, turning to the boy who is now treading around a meter in front of you. He only shrugs and grins cheekily.

“It was really funny,” Jun tells you with a laugh. “I might just post it on my story.”

“Oh my god, don’t you dare.”

Jun only shakes his head and starts slowly swimming further into the lake. “Don’t worry—I wouldn’t do that. Minghao can’t have any dating rumors, now can he?”

You chew on your lip, not responding. Minghao doesn’t say anything either, only chuckling along with your brother as he follows after him. You aren’t sure what to say to that, and the comment leaves some uneasy feeling hanging in your stomach.

Fuck, maybe you did hit your head hard.

You three spend a good few hours out in the lake until it’s evening. It’s a slow day and you start to realize just how much you missed spending time with your brother and Minghao like this—it isn’t often they get the opportunity to do things like this, so you’re grateful that they decided to share some of their few days of peace with you.

The second day is even hotter than the first, and you wake from your sleep early in the morning when the sky is still blooming with purple and orange hues. Crawling out from your bed, you make your way downstairs. If it was just you and your brother, you wouldn’t be so mindful about keeping your noise levels down because god knows that Jun can sleep through just about anything, but, Minghao is with you guys now, and you’d hate to sour his experience even just a little by accidentally waking him up for being too loud.

So you can imagine your surprise when you walk into the kitchen to see Minghao already leaning against the counter as he scrolls through his phone. He hasn’t noticed you and you contemplate leaving it like that for a few moments.

He’s wearing a tight fit, black, sleeveless top that shows off the curve of his shoulders and lets the sparkle of his silver chain glint under the morning light. Minghao is attractive—you and the millions of people in his comments know that—and you feel an odd sense of pride well up in your stomach that you’re one of the few people who get to see him like this.

With his hair messy and brushing over his eyes, legs crossed over each other as he presses his body weight against the kitchen island, bare skin glowing from the natural light, he’s beautiful.

Your face heats up when you realize you’ve just been staring at him, so you quickly clear your throat. “Good morning,” you chirp, walking into the kitchen so he can finally see you.

Minghao looks up from his phone, tucking it into the pocket of his sweatpants to greet you with a smile. “Hey, I didn’t know you were up. How’s your head doing?” he asks shyly, walking over to casually run his hand over that same spot on the crown of your head.

It’s an oddly intimate gesture, and if you didn’t know any better, your heart might have given out from the way he was touching you. Still, you know he’s just checking to see if it’s swollen, but your heart flutters anyways.

“I-it’s fine,” you reply, opening the fridge to pull out some orange juice as his hand drops. “I didn’t know you were an early riser. Jun always sleeps in whenever he gets the chance.”

“Yeah, well that’s why he’s paged as a literal cat by everyone,” Minghao says with a chuckle as you place a jug on the counter. “Do you want some tea? I’m just boiling the water now so I can add some more if you want.”

“Sure, that’ll be nice.” You pour yourself some orange juice. “Do you want to eat something? I brought some cupcakes to have for breakfast,” you offer, reaching into one of the bags you didn’t unpack to pull out a box.

“Are they those cupcakes?”

“Yup—the one and only!” you exclaim, opening the lid to show him. Minghao grins, pulling two out.

“God, I missed these. Y’know, Jun actually gave your recipe to Mingyu too, but he just doesn’t make them the same,” Minghao tells you, and your eyes light up.

“Really? Poor Mingyu,” you say with a sigh.

“If you ever end up visiting us in Korea, you should really make some,” Minghao suggests as he goes to take care of the boiling water, dropping some tea leaves into it before moving the water into a pot. Then, pulling out two small cups and plates, he says, “Me and Jun have told the others about how good you make them, but they really need to try them.”

“I’d love to,” you say with a grin, giddy with the way Minghao is boosting your ego. As he pours out the tea into two mugs, you put the cupcakes on the small plates, looking out to the glass sliding door which leads to the porch by the lake. “You want to eat outside? The sky looks really beautiful now, and the weather looks like it’s nice too.”

Minghao nods, holding up the two mugs while you grab the plates and follow him outside and onto the little shaded porch where you sit by two of the chairs and the small, knee level coffee table. The sky is still deep in its changing colors, and you pull out your phone to take some pictures.

“Can you take some pictures of me? For my WeVerse and Instagram and stuff?” he asks when you’re done, holding out his phone in your direction.

“Yeah, of course.” Leaning back after you grab his phone, you position yourself as Minghao poses. “Lean back a little more so the background can—yeah, perfect …” You take a few photos, and Minghao nods happily when you show him.

“Can you take some more candid ones?”

“Sure, let’s switch spots. I think it’ll look nicer if it looks like you’re looking out to the lake from here,” you suggest, getting up from your seat. Minghao complies without protest and you spend a few more minutes taking some pictures before finally handing him the phone. “You like them?”

“Hell yeah I do,” he says, looking through his phone. “You’re great at this,” he compliments sincerely.

“I’m used to taking the kinda pictures you guys like now … Jun has trained me well,” you joke, sitting back in the seat and reaching for your own cup of tea. It’s quiet for a few moments as you both relax and watch the sky grow brighter by the minute.

Jun wakes up an hour later, trudging out his room with groggy eyes as you poke fun of him. The morning is slow for a short while after that before Minghao is reminding you all that you need to start heading back home. The two of them are leaving for Korea in two days, after all, and that leaves them with only today and tomorrow to completely bask in themselves and the rest of their family, so you pack your things and end your stay at the cabin before the clock hits noon.

That night, after you drive yourself and Jun home and you retreat to the comfort of your apartment, you flop down onto your couch and pull out your phone. You’re met with a few notifications from WeVerse and Instagram, casually scrolling through the apps when your eyes catch a few familiar pictures.

It’s on Instagram and you recognize the bright orange of the rising sky that sits behind Minghao who is smiling into the camera. The next picture is a candid one of him looking at the lake while he drinks some tea, and the third is a picture of the cupcake you made.

You grin at the picture—the rest of the world won’t know it, but you definitely do—it’s a little piece of you that Minghao is sharing with the world. Though, you aren’t sure if he put as much thought into it as you are right now.

Brushing it off as Minghao just wanting to share a pretty picture of a nice looking cupcake, you purse your lips together only for them to be parted when you read his caption.

i’m a weirdo

Scrolling through the comments, you come across people saying, many among the following:

ur not a weirdo >:c fellow radiohead fanatic i see is the8 a certified creep? o: i didn’t know minghao liked radiohead … another reason to stan!

As you ignore the increased palpitating of your heart at the idea that Minghao quoted a line from, in your opinion, “your guys’ song.” you sit and think for a moment about what to do. You consider just liking the post and scrolling past it before a funny thought crosses your mind, and so you start typing into the comments.

i wonder who took these pics lol

No one’s going to see it. Minghao is definitely not going to see it, but you giggle to yourself anyways. You’re about to put your phone down when you get a notification of a reply to your comment. Curious, you open it up, and see that it’s just a random person.

imagine it’s his gf

You laugh to yourself. You wish.

The last day or two with Jun goes as they always do when he’s here—slow, but all that you need. He spends his time at your parents house and you stop by for lunch and dinner the day after you both return from the lake house.

The afternoon, you both went down to the cafe and stocked up on chocolate buns—Jun’s request—and spent the rest of your time until evening going over your plans for the rest of the summer. You enjoy this part, always. Not Jun leaving—of course not—but spending these tame moments with him.

It makes you wonder what things would have been like if he never left. Maybe he’d move out for university someplace else, but you’d get to see him more, probably. Get to hang out with him every weekend, instead of every two months.

You shake yourself off the thought as you drive to your parents house. Having Jun around more often would be nice, but there isn’t any point in dreaming about the impossible.

As you pull up to the driveway and park your car, you notice Minghao standing out by the front door with his suitcase and a bag. “Hey, looking for Jun?”

“Well, yeah. Of course I wanna say bye to you both before you go … is the van here yet?”

“Nah, it’s still taking some time but Jun is on the other side of the house to see if the car is gonna come from that side,” he explains.

“I’m gonna miss you guys … you know when you’re both going to come next?” you ask, voice softer than you anticipated.

“I really don’t know—I’m sorry. You know how things are.”

“Yeah,” you mumble, shoulders deflating as you look down at the ground..

“I know—it’s not … it's not easy for Jun, either, I can tell. It isn’t easy for any of us to leave.” When Minghao finishes speaking you only nod, and as your eyes meet,you feel like there’s something he wants to say. “Hey,” he murmurs quietly.

A heavy hand is placed on your shoulder, and you feel you might as well sink to the ground and let the earth swallow you up. “If you’re going to talk about—”

“Hear me out, yeah?” Minghao cuts you off, and when you open your mouth in protest, he continues. “Don’t …” he inhales deeply before saying, “Don’t take what I’m about to say the wrong way, okay?”

You cross your arms over your chest. “That really depends on what you’re going to say.”

“Okay, just … just listen. Jun, and me, and Yiren, and Renjun—” God, why is he bringing this up? “—we aren’t trying to hurt you.”

“Of course I know that.” Your eyebrows knit together and Minghao sighs at your reaction, letting his hand fall from your shoulder. You miss the touch, but your mind is a little too preoccupied with trying to decipher Minghao’s words to dwell on it.

“I’m just saying … you shouldn’t try to depend on anyone.” You open your mouth and then close it, trying to figure out how the hell he expects you to respond to this.

“What d’you mean?”

“Well I mean,” he huffs before continuing, shoving his hands in his pockets, “you obviously have been … upset about people leaving you and you can’t expect everyone to stick around forever.”

“If you’re talking about Renjun, he was my boyfriend. I think it’s okay for me to expect someone who I’m dating to ‘stick around,’ even though it might not be forever.”

“I guess, but it’s not just Renjun, right? Jun … Yiren … me …” he voice trails off.

“I basically spent my whole middle and high school years around you and Yiren, and Jun is literally my brother. Do you think me wanting the people I quite literally grew up around to be here for me is being ‘dependant?’”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I mean we were all going to grow up eventually? Look, don’t take this the wrong way and—”

“Excuse me?” you blurt out harshly, taking a step back, scoffing before you continue. “I wouldn’t be taking this the wrong way if you obviously didn’t mean it the wrong way. You basically just said I’m not independent.”

Minghao frowns at your reaction before responding, “I didn’t say that. I just said you shouldn’t depend on anyone.”

“Which implies that I am depending on people unnecessarily!”

Minghao adjusts his backpack straps as he says, “I mean you did cry for quite a while about how people are leaving you. I just don’t want you to get more hurt by being dependent on others.”

“Thanks for the concern,” you shoot sarcastically, “but I’m not dependent on anyone. I was upset that night because all the people closest to me have moved away and if you ask any normal person, I’m pretty sure they’d agree that that’s a valid reason to cry a little. So sorry if that was too much for you.” You say the last part with disgust laced on your tongue, and you watch Minghao’s face grow increasingly sour as you go on.

“Okay, now you’re just twisting my words,” Minghao huffs, glancing around to make sure that no one is close by.

“What the hell Minghao,” you scoff, clenching your fists at your side. You don’t want to be the person to jump down his throat, but you can’t help but feel like you’re being talked down to. “Why—why are you acting like I’m still a little kid. I’m more than Jun’s little sister, you do know that right?”

“Oh my god, seriously?” Minghao retorts, eyebrows rising in a mix of disbelief and irritation. “You think that’s what this is about? For fuck’s sake I’m just looking out for you.”

“Exactly!” you exclaim, pointing an accusing finger at him. “There’s no reason for that! Like I said, I’m not some little girl anymore and I’ve been looking out for myself for years. You just happened to catch me in a moment where I let myself be sad about it which, again, is a totally valid thing to be sad about.”

“I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Well congratulations! You were unsuccessful,” you mumble out, feeling an ugly knot build up in your throat. “I trusted you,” you say softly, and Minghao looks at you with eyes so apologetic you almost think about forgiving him. “That night after I saw Renjun—I-I trusted you,” you add more harshly this time. “And I cried to you even though we haven’t properly spoken in fuck knows how long and you take all that and make me out to seem like some sort of defenseless kid—”

“Can you stop—you’re putting words into my mouth. I never said you were defenseless or not independent or anything like that—I don’t even know why you think I would think of you like that because you know that’s not true.”

“Minghao, I don’t know if you’ve realized but it’s been years since we've talked properly. Just because—” You take a deep breath before continuing your bitter words. “—just because you get to live your stupidly amazing life with my brother by your side doesn’t mean that you know me and that I know you, because clearly we don’t know each other at all!”

“I’m sorry?” he says exasperatedly. “Sorry I care about you or whatever, even though things have changed.”

You scowl, and in your right mind you wouldn’t let your next words slip out of your mouth. “Well don’t. I’ve been fine without your sympathy so far, I’m pretty sure I can go on a bit longer.”

Minghao is about to respond, you can tell from the way his hands fiddle at his sides, but then there’s a buzzing and you reach into your pocket to pull out your phone. “Hey Jun,” you say, answering the call without meeting Minghao’s gaze. “… Yeah, he’s with me, we’re just waiting for the car … okay I’ll tell him.”

Tucking the device back into your pocket, you look at Minghao. “Jun is asking for you on the other side of the house. You should go,” you say flatly and you can tell from the look on his face that he wants to say more, but holds back.

Grabbing his suitcase, he tears his eyes from you and doesn’t look back after saying, “See you,” walking away and around the corner of the street. There’s that similar chill that takes over your body when Minghao says the same words Renjun said just a few nights before, and you silently wonder if this is history repeating itself.

“So,” Yiren says as she plops down onto your couch, kicking her feet up onto your coffee table. “How’d meeting with Renjun go? He give you your shit back?”

“Why wouldn’t he?” you grumble as you walk over and nudge her legs to get her to put them down. “And you can’t just flop down and sit! Put your suitcase away so it’s not in the middle of the room,” you order, trying to be stern as Yiren sticks her tongue out at you.

“So bossy—your best friend is visiting your cute little abode and you can’t help her out with her stuff?” Yiren juts out her bottom lip into a pout as you sit next to her and wrap your arms around her waist, sinking into the couch. “Okay what’s going on. You’re being extra snappish …” she asks a bit more seriously, pulling away from your hold to get a better look at you. “Was it Renjun? Did he say something before he left?”

“No!” you say quickly, looking away bashfully, leaning back against the arm rest. You fucking wish you were in this sour mood because of Renjun because you could manage that. Renjun is gone, and it would hurt but you’d get over it.

You aren’t sure how long it’ll take to get over Minghao, if you ever do at all.

“Are you lying to me? You know I can tell when you’re not telling the truth.”

“I am telling the truth.” Just not all of it, you think to yourself.

Yiren sighs loudly, sitting up straight and facing you completely. “You are so bad at this. C’mon tell me—what’d he say? Or was it not Renjun—Jun? Which Jun was it? Did you and Jun fight?”

“I—”

“Like that one time two years ago and you didn’t talk to each other until he came back a month later and—”

You cringe at the memory, slapping a hand over her mouth. “Yiren don’t bring that up. I hated that.”

“Okay sorry,” she says sheepishly. “But seriously—what was it? Renjun? Jun? Which one? Or wait—Min—oh my gosh, don’t tell me it was Minghao!” When you take more than a second to respond, Yiren gasps. “Oh god, it was Minghao.”

She stands up quickly, looking down at your figure on the couch. Before you can say anything, she turns on her heel and walks towards your kitchen. “Hey, where are you going!” you call out to her, sitting upright.

Yiren doesn’t respond, only reaching into the fridge and pulling out two cans of pop. Walking back, she sits down in front of you and hands you a Cola, opening her own Sprite herself. “C’mon, you need to tell me about this. The pop is just here for emotional support.”

You narrow your eyes at her. You thought you were dealing with the effects of your argument with Minghao perfectly fine, but as you look down at the cold can in front of you, an uneasy feeling bubbles up in your stomach. Taking a deep breath, you set the can down on your coffee table, leaving it unopened.

Yiren gapes at you with wide eyes. “You’re not going to have it?” Neck hanging low, you shake your head, and you hear her gasp quietly. “Oh my gosh, you just turned down a Cola,” she mutters, grabbing a pillow and pushing it in your direction. “Okay now you need to tell me what’s going on.” She pauses, shuffling closer, adding softly, “It’s okay, you can cry.”

And just like that, the dam breaks and stray tears fall from your lashes as you clutch the pillow close to your chest, blubbering your mind away to your best friend.

“I don’t even get it—I thought I was over him?” you question aloud. “Like when I was with Renjun I was happy and I didn’t think about Minghao because Renjun was great and he was so nice but he just—” you choke back a sob and Yiren pats your back.

“But he left,” she murmurs softly and you want to cry harder because Yiren left too, but then you remind yourself of what Minghao said. Taking a deep breath, your wipe your face of your tears and although your lips still quiver, you start to speak.

“It’s okay,” you mutter, because it isn't like you haven’t cried over this before. “I just—I guess I haven’t really tried hard enough.”

“Tried to … what exactly?”

You huff, throwing your back onto the couch as you look up at the ceiling. “You know: get over him.”

Yiren chuckles a little, and even through your sniffles, you laugh with her. “What are you saying—you gonna fuck around now?”

“Maybe not fuck around,” you say, crossing your legs. “More like … have some fun.”

“So basically fuck around.”

“Yiren!”

“Oh c’mon—you need me to set you up with someone? My sister knows a lot of—”

You nudge her playfully. “What happened to ‘Ms. I Want Half of the Proceeds from your Wedding with Minghao?’”

“First of all,” Yiren waves a finger at you pointedly, “I only asked for 25%, but if you two can come back from this, I will be asking for at least 50% because I have been rooting for you two since day one.”

“Aren’t you the one who’s trying to set me up with other guys?”

“That’s only because you come first to me. Your relationship with Minghao—”

“The nonexistent one,” you correct and Yiren glares at you.

“Okay fine. Your nonexistent relationship with Minghao comes second. I want to see you happy. If you get to be happy with Minghao that’s just an added plus because, you know, 50% of all the gifts and—”

“You’re getting 25% max.”

“Don’t worry. There’s still time for plenty of negotiation and—”

“Yiren!”

You don’t live up to Yiren’s expectations—in her words, she wanted you to have a hot girl summer, but you couldn’t be bothered to go through with it. Well, sort of.

The next two months go along as your summers usually do. You take up a job near your apartment, working through the morning and afternoon, spending your evenings at home or occasionally out with Jianing.

Jianing doesn’t know much about anything when it comes to your (nonexistent) relationship with Minghao, and you figure she doesn’t need to. When you need a distraction, all it takes is a quick message asking her to accompany you for whatever endeavors you have going on for the night and she’s on board.

It’s a slow summer, but you don’t really mind. Not burdened with the stress of your classes and with Jun and Minghao gone for the next two months for their own performances and promotions, you have time to focus on yourself.

Occasional parties, indulging in hobbies, daily walks in the mornings, late nights of binge watching TV shows, outings with Jianing—it’s all a part of a simple routine that you’ve curated to do one thing, and one thing only: relax.

It’s only near the end of the summer, around three weeks before your classes are set to resume, that Jun calls you to let you know he’s coming home with Minghao. He seems pretty casual about it, and you’re reminded about how Minghao probably didn’t mention anything about your argument to your brother, which you’re thankful for.

It’s a passing thought that you’ll have to figure out how you want to act when you finally face him again. Whatever. That’s a problem for another time. Right now, you relax.

That problem for another time seems to have become a problem for now. Jun came home two days ago and things were alright—no run-ins to Minghao and you spend time with your brother like you usually do whenever he returns: with bickering and meals.

It’s only on the third day that things become a little … a little iffy. Your brother texts you in the evening to get ready quickly because he’s stopping by with Minghao for dinner at his place, and it’s all happening so quickly that you don’t have time to come up with an excuse.

So here you are, throwing on your sacred pink jacket because it’s the first thing in your vision, some old jeans, and waiting outside your apartment building much less enthusiastically than you’d like. It’s only a matter of minutes before your phone buzzes with a text from Jun letting you know he’s here and you see Minghao’s car pulling up in front of you.

Making your way to the back door where you usually sit with the two of them, you furrow your brows seeing Jun sitting in your usual spot.

“Sit in the front,” Jun orders when you go to open the back door, “I wanna lay down.” You shrug, making your way to the passenger seat as Jun settles into the back, resting his head on the window while kicking his legs up onto the other two seats.

“Hi,” you say quietly to Minghao who nods and speaks his own quick greeting, averting his attention to the wheel in front of him without much more than that.

“Please,” he huffs, watching Jun through the rear view mirror, “don’t put your shoes on the seats. I just had the car cleaned.” Jun clicks his tongue and kicks his shoes off, continuing to lay back in the seat as Minghao starts the car. The ride is silent as he drives toward the restaurant, both you and Jun on your phones while Minghao has his eyes trained on the road.

Once he parks in front of the place, you watch from the corner of your vision to see Minghao unbuckling his seatbelt before your brother speaks up.

“You guys can wait here, I’m gonna grab the food,” Jun says, slipping in his shoes and making his way to the restaurant, leaving you and Minghao in thickening silence. His hands are resting on his thighs and you press your head on the window, looking out as you try to focus on anything but this.

“Uh,” Minghao clears his throat, and you silently brace yourself for what he might say. “Nice jacket.”

Oh.

Glancing down at what you’re wearing, you twiddle with the hem of the familiar pink jacket. You wonder if this is Minghao’s way of holding out a figurative olive branch, and then you think harder about if you’re willing to accept it. “Thanks,” you reply, matting a hand over your hair before turning your attention to Jun who’s walking towards your car now.

Slipping into the back seat, he shakes the plastic bag in the air as he buckles himself in. “Takeout secured. Let’s go back to your place now,” Jun says, tapping on Minghao’s shoulder from behind. There’s an odd tension in the air, and you don’t doubt that Jun feels it, although he keeps his mouth shut about it.

No one says a word until Minghao is parking in his driveway and unlocking the front door. You follow behind the two of them, Jun grabbing the food as you enter Minghao’s house.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Jun asks, putting the takeout bag on the coffee table of the living room as you all begin to settle down.

You shrug off your coat as you say, “Uh, I have to go back to my place and go out for the afternoon and evening with Jianing. Me and her have this little monthly date day thing, and we’re going to the city.”

“Wha-a-a-t,” Jun drawls out, a frown etched onto his face. You narrow your eyes at him, shrugging.

“What? It’s not like you’re leaving right after tomorrow.”

“Yeah, but I’m not here for long. I wanted to do something tomorrow, since I might be doing stuff after that!” Jun whines, pointing at Minghao. “We might be going to this cool store and take some pictures and stuff.”

You huff, slightly annoyed as you flop down on a couch. “Okay well can’t you do that tomorrow then? I already have plans.”

Jun pouts, and if he wasn’t so on your nerves right now, you would poke some fun at him. “Why-y-y? You knew I was coming this week!”

“Well it’s not like I can clear my schedule for you. If you wanted to do something you should’ve told me earlier!”

“I let you know last week I was coming down!”

“Jun,” you say with a half laugh, noticing the way Minghao’s eyes have been flickering back and forth between you two through the whole conversation, “one week is not enough time to change some plans. I’ve been meeting with Jianing consistently at this time of month for over a year!”

“But still—”

“It’s not like if I showed up to Korea whenever the time’s convenient for me, you’d drop everything you’re doing to spend time with me!” you exclaim.

Jun’s fists ball at his side before he says, “That’s because my job is important and—”

“The stuff I do in my life might not seem important to you but it is very much important to me. Sorry I’ve made commitments to other people before I even knew you were coming, but I don’t know why you’d expect me to drop all my plans just for you. It’s not even like we aren’t going to see each other afterwards too.”

“Well I’d only hope that’s the case—I only ever see you once every few months so sorry for wanting to take some of your time.”

“Guys—” Minghao starts to say, standing between the two of you but when both you and Jun glare at him, he steps back.

“Do you think your time is worth more than mine or something?” you scoff at Jun, ignoring Minghao.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’m sorry, what exactly did you mean it like then?” you hiss.

Jun sucks in a breath between clenched teeth and runs a hand through his hair. “You know what I meant. Things are just—they’re different. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Right yeah. I won’t understand because I don’t have all these girls throwing themselves at me, making me think I’m entitled to everyone’s damn time.” Maybe you crossed a line with that one, but you’re too angry to care now. Hot tears well up in your lash line, threatening to fall any moment now.

“You were the one who was being a brat when you found out I was going to go to Korea in the first place!” Jun exclaims. “Fucking hell, why are you making such a big deal out of me wanting to spend some time with you now?”

Your face screws up into some kind of ugly frown at the words, and you clench your fists as your side. “A brat?” you repeat. “A brat? Is that seriously what you think of me?

“Well you did make a pretty damn big scene about me leaving, so yeah, maybe I do feel entitled to some of your time seeing that you were the one who was desperate for it in the first place.”

“Desperate? Are you kidding me—desperate? I was sixteen and you dumped the fact that you were moving away in like less than two months on me —of course I was upset but desperate? Well fuck you too I guess.” You punctuate the last word by turning on your heel, grabbing your coat off and marching past Minghao and over to the door.

You don’t hear Jun say anything after you do, and for that you are grateful because you don’t think you’ll be able to handle hearing his voice again. Walking out the foyer past the door, you stomp your way to your car, forcefully yanking the driver’s seat open and plopping yourself down with a heavy thud.

Without a word, you press your forehead against the steering and scream a loud and painful, “FUCK!” You can’t even remember a damn thing you or Jun said but all that throttles in your head is the word brat and you feel you might just pull the steering wheel off your stupid car and tear just about everything else apart too.

The prospect is pretty tempting, actually, and in your red, you continue to hit your head, albeit gently, against the wheel as you mutter incoherent curses to yourself. The thud of your skull against the smooth letter rings in your ears until it becomes all that you can hear, so loud that it almost drowns out the knocking sound that comes from outside.

“Holy shit!” you gasp, when you see Minghao from the corner of your vision, standing outside your car with his lips pressed into the thin line. Rolling down your windows, you grimace. “You fucking scared me so bad. Please never creep up on me like that again.”

He narrows his eyes at you. “Don’t fucking storm out like that again then,” Minghao says, and your eyes widen slightly when you hear his voice. It’s harder, firmer, more serious than you’ve ever heard before.

“What are you—”

“You can’t drive when it’s night and you’re sobbing—”

“I am not sobbing,” you fruitlessly choke out, wiping some tears off your cheek as you straighten your back and glare at him.

“Look I get you’re mad at Jun and all but can you please calm down and talk to me so—”

You let out a humorless laugh as you begin to roll your windows back up. “Don’t even get me started on you.”

Minghao clicks his tongue as he sticks a hand into your window to stop it from going up any further, looking sideways for a second before turning back to you. “Okay well I don’t want you to drive yourself home like this. It’s not safe.”

“I am not staying here tonight.”

“Then let me drive you home,” Minghao suggests and you open up to object but no words come out. “You agree? C’mon, step out.” You let out nothing more than a huff as you open the door, slipping out quickly and shuffling to the other side where you sit with your arms crossed over your chest, bottom lip jutting out into a pout.

Minghao has already taken your spot, hands on the same steering wheel that you were planning on smashing with your head just minutes ago. He’s quiet for a few moments as he backs out of the driveway and starts driving down the street, the car echoing nothing but your soft sniffles that haven’t seemed to stop.

When Minghao opens his mouth again, you’re bracing yourself for a round of chiding, but all that comes out is a one-word question. “Pop?” He takes your silence as a confirmation, and soon enough Minghao is pulling up to that same convenience store. “Do you want me to get it for you?” he asks after he’s parked in front of the convenience store.

You purse your lips together, finally letting yourself turn to look at him. You really want to be mad at him but when you catch the way his fingers are shoved into his pockets, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip as he awaits your answer, you start to realize that Minghao might be just as apprehensive about this as you are.

“It’s fine,” you mutter, unbuckling your seatbelt so you can get out, Minghao following you quickly.

You’re the first to walk in this time, grabbing a Cola for yourself before looking at Minghao with a raised brow. When he nods, you toss him another can and he makes his way to the cash register. He’s about to pull out his wallet when you’re brushing past him and getting there first, holding up your card to the machine proudly.

“Just because I don’t want to be in any more debt to you,” you murmur, handing Minghao a can after you’ve paid for them both. You lead the way, walking out of the door and slotting yourself into the passenger seat of your car and Minghao gets into the seat next to you, turning on the engine.

You’re still quiet when he starts driving towards your apartment building, and you think that this is the perfect chance for you to drown in the silence. Maybe if you pretend you’re alone, you’ll be able to forget about all the thoughts running through your mind.

Pressing your eyes shut, you slump down into your seat and just as you’re about to let your mind drift into the silence, you hear a familiar rattle of the snare and guitar bridge and your eyes snap open, staring at Minghao directly. He faces forward, eyes trained on the road as he pulls closer to the curb in front of your complex, sighing deeply when the car starts to slow down.

“What are you trying to do Minghao?” you finally say weakly, burying your face in your hands. “You—you’re playing Creep and you took me to get Cola and all you were supposed to do was take me home so—”

“Can I not try to make you feel better? I don’t want you to be upset, so I’m sorry if I’m trying to do the things I know you enjoy,” Minghao responds with a heavy breath, parking in front of your building just like that night he did when he picked you up from the bus stop after you met with Renjun.

The deep strumming of guitar and vibrations of the bass bounce off the walls of your car, and you slip into your seat as the words of the song sink in.‘What the hell am I doing here?’ Glancing up at Minghao, your vision grows blurry. “Minghao …” your voice is quiet and strained when you call for him, and in that moment, you know.

All those years ago when you wanted to kiss him and hold him and pull him close, but you didn’t because you were scared. When you wanted to let your tongues collide and tug at his hair, but you didn’t because you had so much to lose.

You still have so much to lose, but you’re not scared anymore.

And it seems Minghao isn’t either.

Tonight, you get to taste the lingering drops of Cola on his tongue. You get to feel his arms fumbling over the armrest, slipping around your waist and yanking you onto his lap. You get to hold his neck and let your fingers sit in his hair. You get to indulge.

Minghao’s mouth is hot against yours, tongue lapping at your bottom lip when you take a sacred moment to breathe on top of him before your eyes are fluttering back shut and your lips mold into one once again. He hugs you so close you don’t know how you can still breathe, don’t know how your bones don’t melt into each other in this burning moment.

Your lips work fervently to slide against each other in a wet, calculated mess that has you whimpering into Minghao’s mouth when one of his hands cups your jaw. His thumb is soft against your cheekbone when he tilts your head to the side so that your noses brush against either and his lips delve deeper into the caverns of your mouth.

You don’t know how long you two go at it, fingers grappling at whatever skin you can, Minghao’s hand brushing under your shirt and stroking the plush of your hips. And when you feel like you can’t breathe anymore because your heart is so full, you pull away, letting the thin string of saliva connect your shiny lips.

Your brain is foggy and you and Minghao simply sit in the comfortable silence. Well, almost comfortable silence.

You shouldn’t try to depend on anyone.

“W-wait,” you stutter when Minghao leans forward in hopes to catch your lips in another fleeting kiss. “Oh my god,” you mutter to yourself, pushing his shoulders back against the seat as you try to shuffle off his lap.

Minghao holds your waist tightly, but you break free of the grasp. “What are you doi—hey, wait a sec!”

“You said you’re trying to make me feel better but you just did exactly the opposite,” you scoff, slipping on your coat as you push the car door open.

“What are you talking abo—” You cut him off by slamming the door, and Minghao quickly grabs your keys and follows after you. “Slow down.”

You whip around to face him, tears streaming down your face for what feels nth time tonight. “Look, you left like two months ago spewing all this stuff about how I should be independent but the second you come back you act like you’re trying so hard to make me feel better and stuff and then—” You take a deep breath, “—then we makeout and you—fuck I don’t know, I don’t know what you expect from me! Do you just expect me to forget about this and not get upset when you leave again?” you choke out. “Just keep my keys and drive yourself back to your place. I’ll pick up my car later,” you mutter.

“Can you stop doing this? It’s just like what happened last time, and I don’t want to have to leave if you’re—if we’re not okay.”

“What ‘we?’ Weren’t you the one who told me to not expect anyone to stay? I’m not going to do this ‘we’ and ‘us’ thing with someone who is just going to leave all over again. I’m not going to expect you to stay.”

“Look, I just don’t want this to be hanging over your head when I’m gone.”

Ironic, you think to yourself. You want to tell Minghao that he’s been hanging over your head ever since you met him all those years ago, but you bite back the words.

“Minghao,” you say, your voice strained and tired, “I’m already exhausted and my brain isn’t working so can you please just give me my space.”

And if Minghao is one thing, it’s not pushy, and you know that this is all it takes to get him to back off. Though, you don’t miss the way his face falls as he steps back quietly.

“See you,” he mutters through gritted teeth as he turns on his heel, and you can’t tell if you’re relieved or bothered by the way he leaves so silently.

You don’t see Minghao or Jun after that night. They’rewere  supposed to leave for Korea in the next four days, and so you spend those four days lodged up in your apartment, not leaving unless absolutely necessary—you’re scared that you might run into one of them, as pathetic as that sounds.

Jun doesn’t text you and you don’t text him. It’s a bit abnormal, you two communicate at least once every two days, if not more. It’s a bit of an unspoken rule, but now that you’re both hot-headed and very much not in the right mind, you figure some rules are meant to be broken.

It’s two days after Jun and Minghao were scheduled to leave, the only confirmation that you got that they actually did leave being the group picture at the airport your father sent to the family group chat.

Jianing comes to your apartment when you finally call her over, quickly picking up on your sullen state.

“I don’t get it,” she says with a shrug after you explain to her everything that happened between you and Jun and Minghao.

“Well yeah, I guess you don’t, but this has been going on for a while,” you reply begrudgingly, sinking into your couch as she stares at you blankly from your armchair.

“Just—I dunno—talk to them?”

You give her a funny look. “How?” you groan, throwing your head back. “They won’t be back for like a month at least, and I don’t want to call them.”

“I forget they’re famous sometimes” Jianing mutters, rolling her eyes, and you laugh at the comment.

“You and me both,” you say, straightening your back.

“But still, I don’t get it. I mean just visit them?” she suggests casually.

“I can’t just fly up to Korea unannounced!” you exclaim, bewildered.

Jianing rolls her eyes at you and you frown. “Why not? I mean you just said this might go on for a while if you don’t talk to them so I don’t get it. Just go see them.”

YOURS TRULY

you: chan i need ur help [8:13 AM] chan: this is ur first time texting me in three months [8:15 AM] chan: so i am going to assume this is pretty important [8:15 AM] you: i’m at incheon airport [8:16 AM] chan: what [8:17 AM] you: what [8:17 AM] chan: jun didn’t say anything about u coming??! [8:19 AM] you: DON’T TELL HIM [8:19 AM] chan: what … [8:20 AM] you: i’m surprising him [8:20 AM] chan: ????? [8:21 AM] chan: who knows [8:21 AM] you: um you do [8:21 AM] chan: thank u [8:22 AM] chan: so what do u need [8:22 AM] you: can u pick me up [8:23 AM] chan: i don’t have a choice do i [8:24 AM] you: nope :3 [8:24 AM]

When black SUV stops in front of you by the curb at the airport, you smile brightly, waving at the driver as the windows begin to roll down. You’re about to chirp a quick, “Hi Chan!” but the words get caught in your throat when you see who’s driving.

“Jeonghan?” you ask confusedly. He waves at you from the front seat, and Chan sticks his head in from the back to look at you through the window.

“I’m sorry!” he exclaims, opening the door to help you pull in your suitcase and get situated into the back seat. “Look, I tried to leave without anyone noticing but they saw me so I told them I was going to the gym, but he said he wanted to come and —” Chan glares at the man in the passenger seat, “— I don’t even know why since he hasn’t gone to the gym in ages—”

“Watch it Chan!” Jeonghan calls out from the front as the cat starts to move, pulling an eye roll out of the boy sitting next to you.

“Whatever. Basically, I had no choice but to bring him along and tell them I was actually picking you up.”

“You guys didn’t tell Jun, did you?” you ask worriedly.

“I—no,” Jeonghan says. “And even if we tried, he won’t be awake for another hour or whatever. That’s besides the point anyways—Chan is terrible at lying.”

“You caught me off guard! I wasn’t expecting to see anyone this morning, so I didn’t have any excuses prepared …” Chan huffs, sinking into his seat as you glance back and forth between them nervously.

“Thank you for trying anyways,” you say sincerely, adjusting in your seat. “I know this was all really sudden but I didn’t plan anything out and I kinda ended up here before I could even process anything,” you add.

“Hey, Minghao was telling us about these really good cupcakes you make—if you have time, can you bake them for us?” Chan asks, out of the blue.

You give him a funny look and then smile. “Sure, if I have the time. I’d like to—they told me Mingyu tries to make them for you guys.”

“Yeah! That would—”

“Thank you, but I’m going to assume that you are here for a reason other than making us your infamous cupcakes,” Jeonghan says, merging onto the freeway.

“As much as I’d love for that to be why I’m here, you’re right,” you mutter, resting your head against the headrest.

“Is everything alright?” Jeonghan asks.

As you’re about to respond, Chan chimes in. “This is about Jun, isn’t it?”

“Ai—Channie, don’t jump to conclusions,” Jeonghan reprimands but Chan shakes his head, holding his hand up as he turns to you with wide eyes.

“No, no, I’m not assuming anything. I’m right, aren’t I?” Partly. Chan continues. “Well it’s just—I can kinda tell. He’s being a little snappier. Jeonghan wouldn’t know but—“

Jeonghan gives Chan a warning look through the rear view mirror. “What do you mean I wouldn’t know?”

“Hannie, just listen to me. So me and Soonyoung and Minghao and Jun have been practicing at night right—for that next performance—and you know that Jun has a bit of a temper, especially in the night, but I don’t know—it’s just been different recently.”

You stifle a scoff when Chan mentions Jun having a short temper, looking out the window hoping no one heard. Jun does have a bit of a fiery streak, but the truth is that you’re just as sporadic as him.

Fire meets fire. Huh, wonder what that makes. More fire, probably. That’s what got you here, isn’t it? Unfortunately.

“Has, uh,” you pause wondering if you should ask this, but curiosity does kill the cat, after all. “Has Minghao seemed … off?”

Jeonghan narrows his eyes at you. “What’s Minghao got to do with this? Did something happen with him too?” Curse that emotionally intelligent man.

Chan eyes flicker between the ground and you. “It’s hard to tell when Minghao is upset. He seems normal even when he’s upset so I can’t really tell … why though?”

“Just—just a lot of stuff. I think I need to see them both. Separately.”

Jeonghan nods, pursing his lips together before responding, “Do you need our help?”

Jeonghan takes you to his apartment first so you have a moment to drop your suitcase off somewhere, and you get to say hi to Seungkwan who you’re pretty sure didn’t even recognize you in his drowsy state.

“Where’re we going?” you ask when you get back outside of the building heading towards the car.

“C’mon, let’s walk,” Chan says, pulling you away from the car.

“Jun’s apartment building is just down the street here,” Jeonghan explains. “He should be sleeping right now, so just wake him up.”

“Are you kidding me? He might kill me!” you complain with a frown.

Chan huffs, “Well you did come here unannounced and without a plan, so you don’t have much of a choice anyways.”

You chew on your lip as you fruitlessly try to come up with an answer, sighing in defeat when you come up with nothing.

“Exactly,” Jeonghan concludes, stopping in front of a building that’s built similar to his. “Anyways, his suite number is 345 on the third floor. You should know the code to his apartment right?”

You nod, but then shake your head. “I know it, but I think I’ll just knock until he wakes up. He might actually kill me if someone shows up inside his home unannounced.”

Chan laughs at that when the two of you lead you to the elevator of this new building. “That, he might.”

“So encouraging,” you mutter, sticking your tongue out at them as the elevator door opens. “Anyways, thank you for helping me, really. I’ll make cupcakes if I make it out of this alive,” you promise while you step in.

“You better!” Jeonghan calls out as the doors slide shut and the elevator begins to take you up.

It’s now, when you’re alone, that it all begins to sink in. You’re in Korea. You’re about to see Jun. You might die—okay maybe you’re being a little dramatic, but you aren’t sure what to do with yourself so your mind is jumping towards the worst possible scenario as you reach the third floor and make your way to his apartment.

You stand in front of room 345 for a few moments once you arrive, not even sure if you’ll manage to go through with this. What the fuck are you even going to say?

(Un?)fortunately, you have a tendency to not think before you act, and before you have a second of thought your knuckles are rapping against the door. It’s silent for a moment and you wonder if you should go again.

Taking a deep breath, you continue knocking on the door at a steady rate before you hear soft footsteps growing louder in volume until they stop at the door. You hold your breath and let your hand fall, fisting it at your sides in anticipation.

When you see the door crack open, a wave of relief washes over you. But when you see Jun’s blank face as he looks down on you, a new sense of uneasiness takes over.

“What are you doing in my apartment?” Ah, how nostalgic.

“So cold. You aren’t going to let me in?”

Jun rolls his eyes, and you grow more anxious because you can’t tell if he’s being playful or not. He steps to the side though, and you quickly slip through the door so he can close and lock it behind you.

“What are you doing here?” he reiterates and you feel your tongue go dry.

“Uh, Chan told me that you’re being—well—how do I put this?” you mutter to yourself, rocking back and forth on your feet.

“Difficult?” Jun guesses, bitterness laced in the word and you cringe at the tone.

“I guess.”

“I don’t think you came all the way to Korea just because Chan told you I was being difficult.”

“I, uh, I talked to Jianing about it when she visited and … I guess I felt I should come see you.”

“So if Jianing didn’t talk to you about this, then you just wouldn’t have talked about it?” Jun asks harshly and you glare at him.

“Well it’s not like you would’ve come talk to me about it either,” you retort, and Jun goes quiet at them. “And Jianing didn’t make this decision for me, by the way, I made it all by myself.”

“Okay well you’re here now. What is it?” An uncomfortable silence sits between you two. “If you only came here to just stand there and stare off into space then—”

“Jun, please shut your mouth for like one minute,” you mutter, pinching the bridge of your nose. “I-I wanted to apologize. That night I … I was on edge.” Jun watches you intently as you finally meet his gaze. “There was a lot running through my mind and I was just—just fucking annoyed at everything and I took everything you said the worst way.”

A feeling of worry climbs up your throat—you and Jun don’t often apologize, at least not like this. Apologies usually come in the form of figurative olive trees—you buy him a LEGO set, he buys you a gift card to your favorite cafe, or something among that. Then again, this isn’t your usual argument with Jun, and maybe sometimes resorting to more traditional methods are most effective.

Jun sighs softly, not looking at you, and you grow worried that he’s even more angry than you anticipated. You brace yourself for his next possible words. “I … I did say some mean stuff too. I’m sorry—I just—I have a shitty temper. You know that. Chan probably told you that too.” Jun is silent for a second before continuing. “Is … is everything okay?”

The question isn’t quite what you’re expecting and you press your lips together tightly because you want to cry. You want to let the tears stream down your cheeks and tell Jun that you have no idea but also the perfect idea of what you’re doing and it’s all jumbled up mess in your head.

“I guess—I mean, I hate fighting with you,” you admit. “But, that’s why I came here and we didn’t say goodbye the last time and I know that was partly my fault but also I missed you.”

“But are you okay?”

“Jun—”

“Because I know you’re stubborn—it really is annoying sometimes but I’m not one to complain,” he adds with a huff, “and I know you’re a little weird—”

You both laugh and you point a finger at him, “Watch it—you and me both.”

“Whatever,” he says lightly before turning to a more serious tone. “But I never thought we’d fight again like that one time two years ago and—”

“Why does everyone keep bringing that up!? Yiren said that too,” you sigh.

“To make a point. Which, by the way, is me going back to asking you if everything’s okay. I just … I know that you’re a little crazy but I never thought that you’d fly over here for something that we could probably sort out over the phone. Not that I’m not glad to see you here, I mean, I am, I’m just … worried.”

“I kissed Minghao,” you blurt out, immediately slapping a hand over your mouth after you do.

“What?!” Jun’s eyes go wide for a moment before he relaxes a little. “Is that what’s been up with you?”

“What do you mean ‘up with me?’”

“Moody. Cranky. Like you’re in high school again.”

You cross your arms over your chest. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You chew on your lip as you try to read Jun’s expression. He doesn’t seem mad nor happy nor confused, and you’re running out of emotions to label him under.

“I knew you liked him in high school, you know. Thin walls, plus Yiren is loud as hell.”

“Ugh, I always told her to keep it down! She didn’t believe me!”

“Doesn’t matter now. What you or him do isn’t much of my business anyways,” Jun mutters, awkwardly stuffing his hands in the pockets of his hoodies. “I mean I guess it is, if it makes you all upset and not okay like this,” he continues.

You can tell he’s encouraging you to explain more, and you press your eyes together trying to figure what and what not you should say. “Has Minghao … has he seemed different?”

“I mean not really, but also it’s hard to tell with him because—” Your whole finger droops and Jun quickly places a hand on your shoulder. “Hey, what is this about? Did something happen? You know you can tell me.”

“It’s a lot,” you confess. “I don’t know, I-I came here to talk to the both of you but I haven’t even thought about what to say to him. I kind of booked my tickets last night.”

“Last night?!”Jun exclaims. “Are you stupid or what?”

“Maybe I am!” you murmur, slapping your palm against your forehead. Jun looks down at your pained expression and frowns.

“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?”

“What happened to, ‘I don’t care what you guys do it isn’t my business?’”

“Well it is my business if you’re upset! I’m the only person who’s allowed to be a bitch to you.”

“Well ditto to you too!” You follow with a sigh. “I think I just need to talk to him.”

“He’s at the gym right now. Do you want to get coffee instead?”

“Hogging me all to yourself? I know you missed me but don’t you think this is a little unfair—I’d like to at least say hi to the others first. Or maybe have some time to sleep. I kind of got here at like seven in the morning.”

“Be grateful! I’m actually looking out for you, because they’ll literally hound you, plus I want to make up for not spending time with you last time I visited.”

You grin at the words, rolling your eyes playfully. “Fine. But you’re paying.”

“When do I not pay for you?”

“Loads of times!”

“That’s because you insist on paying for yourself.”

“Irrelevant!” you exclaim triumphantly, waving a fist in the air before Jun locks his arm around your neck and traps you in a headlock. Good times.

“We have afternoon practice, then recording in the studio in the evening, but we should be done by like eight,” Jun explains, taking a picture of the coffee in front of him.

“Must you take a picture of everything?” you sigh, taking a sip of your own drink. Jun rolls his eyes, flicking your knee from under the table.

“I am a celebrity. I kinda need to keep records of everything I do.”

“Okay well I’m your sister and I kinda need you to help me talk to Minghao.”

“Just like—I dunno—find him and talk to him. Can’t be that hard.”

“You—ugh, you’re just like Jianing,” you groan. “No help!”

“Okay fine, fine. What do you want me to do? Corner him? Lock him into a closet and keep him there so you can talk to him? Force him to—”

“Junnie what the hell,” you mutter, slapping a hand to your forehead. “I think I’m just going to have to ask Jeonghan and Chan for help again because—”

“Okay no. I’ll help. What do you need me to do?”

“Have you been listening to me? Tell me when and where I can talk to him!”

“Well I already suggested the closet but you turned that down so—”

“Jun.”

“We can try the meeting room? He’s there a lot and it’s usually empty in the evenings. He responds to emails and shit there, I don’t know, so you won’t be interrupting much.”

“You sure it’ll work?”

Jun cocks an eyebrow up. “You don’t trust me?” You kick him under the table and he winces. “Okay yes, yes, it’ll work so would you stop kicking—hey! I said stop kicking!”

“We have afternoon practice, then recording in the studio in the evening, but we should be done by like eight,” Jun explains, taking a picture of the coffee in front of him.

“Must you take a picture of everything?” you sigh, taking a sip of your own drink. Jun rolls his eyes, flicking your knee from under the table.

“I am a celebrity. I kinda need to keep records of everything I do.”

“Okay well I’m your sister and I kinda need you to help me talk to Minghao.”

“Just like—I dunno—find him and talk to him. Can’t be that hard.”

“You—ugh, you’re just like Jianing,” you groan. “No help!”

“Okay fine, fine. What do you want me to do? Corner him? Lock him into a closet and keep him there so you can talk to him? Force him to—”

“Junnie what the hell,” you mutter, slapping a hand to your forehead. “I think I’m just going to have to ask Jeonghan and Chan for help again because—”

“Okay no. I’ll help. What do you need me to do?”

“Have you been listening to me? Tell me when and where I can talk to him!”

“Well I already suggested the closet but you turned that down so—”

“Jun.”

“We can try the meeting room? He’s there a lot and it’s usually empty in the evenings. He responds to emails and shit there, I don’t know, so you won’t be interrupting much.”

“You sure it’ll work?”

Jun cocks an eyebrow up. “You don’t trust me?” You kick him under the table and he winces. “Okay yes, yes, it’ll work so would you stop kicking—hey! I said stop kicking!”

You twiddle your thumbs nervously behind your back as you wait in the elevator with Jeonghan. Jun had to take care of something with one of the other members, so he sent you off with the older boy to take you to the meeting room.

“He’ll be there, don’t worry,” Jeonghan tells you as he pats your shoulder lightly. “I just checked his location and I’m positive he’s there right now.”

“Thanks,” you say with a sigh, shifting your weight from leg to leg, “but I’m more worried about what I’m going to say. I think you already know but I planned like zero percent of this.”

“It’s becoming increasingly evident, unfortunately,” Jeonghan admits when the elevator dings and the door opens onto a floor full of rooms. “You’ll figure it out, I’m sure, seeing as you’re just like Jun.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jeonghan chuckles and leads you to a door a few steps down the hallway, pointing to it. “Don’t worry about it. He’ll be in there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be down on floor three making some ramen,” he says cheerily, waving at you before retreating to elevatory before you have even a moment to protest.

So now you’re left with nothing but yourself and yet another door. This time, instead of knocking your life away, your hand is pressed against the knob as you debate whether or not you should turn it or not.

Once again, your body acts without your mind and you’re quietly opening the door and poking your head through the crack. Inside is Minghao with headphones over his ears, sitting at the end of a long table with his head crooked down as he scrolls through his lap top.

He doesn’t hear you, but you aren’t sure if it’s for the better or the worse. In some ways, you still have a chance to run, but in others, you’ll have to call out to him if you want him to notice you. Gulping, you realize that you’ve been too scared for too long and so you clear your throat.

“Minghao,” you call out.

It only takes a second for his eyes to shoot up, hands flying to his headphones to take them off as he takes in the sight of you in front of him. You’re at opposite ends of the room right now, and you nervously shut the door behind you as you finally meet his gaze.

“What are you doing here?”

“I—” You inhale sharply. “—I don’t know. I just think we both needed to talk.”

You can see him visibly gulp as he stands up, and looks away as if trying to figure out what he should do with himself.

“Shit,” he mutters under his breath, dread washing over you.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out, face burning. “I know I just showed up like this without warning and I know that’s not fair so if you don’t want to talk you know I totally get it and—” you start to blabber so fast you hardly notice him walking over and down the length of the table, “—I just really wanted to see you and talk to you but I couldn’t do it over the phone because—”

“Slow down,” Minghao says firmly, now standing in front of you as he gazes down with wide eyes. “Is everything okay? When did you come here—wait, did you come here just to talk to me?”

“Well yeah. And Jun.”

“Are you okay?” Minghao asks softly. “This doesn’t seem like you.”

You wince at the familiar words but shake it off. “I know, I just had so much to say and I’m sorry because you were right, and when you said you didn’t want this hanging over my head I was angry and I thought I could ignore this and ignore you but I was wrong and just really needed to sort things out. And the night you picked me up after Renjun and all—I know you told me to not depend anyone or anything—and I know I’m not listening to you right now and I don’t want you to be disappointed but—”

“Stop,” Minghao says, holding a hand up. “Disappointed? I—please don’t think that. The stuff I said that night was …” he sighs before continuing. “You were so upset that night because you didn’t have us around and I felt so bad but also, there wasn’t anything I could do about that.”

“I …” your eyebrows knit together as you try to find the right words. “… I know that. I didn’t mean to make it feel like you had to change anything, or that it was your fault.”

“I know and—”

“Wait, please hear me out. I don’t want to ever make you think that I blame you or Jun for leaving—I-I’m so happy for you guys you don’t understand. I was just … I was bitter,” you admit. “And I was jealous of you because you get to be around my own brother more than me and … I guess I was also jealous of Jun because he gets to be around you so often too.”

You finish your confession by burying your face in your hands, face heating up as you can only imagine the look on his face. He says your name softly, and you peek up at him through the gap between your fingers.

“Hey, no, I get it. I mean, I guess I don’t exactly understand how you’re feeling but I don’t blame you either.”

“I wrote you a letter,” you blurt out, a hand digging into your pocket as it toys around with the folded paper inside. Minghao raises a brow, and you pull it out and hold it in front of him. “Right after you guys left,” you explain as he takes the paper from your hand, carefully unfolding it. “Don’t open it now! That’s … embarrassing. Just read it when I’m not here or something because I might just die out of humiliation.”

When Minghao chuckles, you feel some of the tension in your shoulders dissolve. “Noted,” he murmurs, tucking it into the pocket of his sweats before turning his attention back to you with a more serious expression which has your stomach tying up in knots.

“You know how my job is. I can’t promise how often I’ll be home and when I’ll be able to make time and I know that people leaving hurt you so much and … I guess I just didn’t want to give you hope that I would be able to give you a ‘normal’ relationship, because I can’t, even though I want to. I think when I told you all that, I just—fuck—I hoped that you’d be able to focus on someone better for you.”

You want to cry and tell him that you don’t want someone ‘better,’ but choose to save those words for a different time. “T-then why’d you kiss me that night?” you ask quietly.

“I—” Minghao pauses, looking down as he searches for what he’s about to say. “I only have so much self control.”

You chew on your lip, debating if you should frown or grin at his statement. “So you—you wanted to kiss me?” Minghao responds in a heartbeat.

“Of course I did,” and then he clears his throat, “I wanted to for a while. I still do.”

Chuckling nervously, you start to say, “I don’t kn—”

The air is successfully sucked from your lungs when Minghao slides his hand around your neck, angling your jaw up with his gentle thumb. You think you might just go dizzy from the way he’s touching you until his warm mouth presses against yours, and this is the moment you feel every last muscle in your body let go.

He kisses you softer than the first time, his tongue running against your bottom lip for only a moment before you let your hand grip at his torso instinctively. “Sorry,” Minghao murmurs sheepishly when he breaks away. “Told you. Only so much self control.”

“I-I won’t complain,” you admit quickly, and though you let your hand drop to your side, Minghao keeps his where it is: cradling your cheek. He’s quiet for a moment before whispering again, and the words make your face burn and your heart fly around in circles.

“Can I kiss you again?”

“M-Ming—hao,” you whine, hands fisting the linen beneath you. A string of slick connects his mouth to your glistening folds, tethering him down to you even as he lifts his face. His eyes stare down at the slobbering mess between your legs, ignoring your soft chanting of his name before diving back down to close his mouth around your clit.

“Tastes so good,” he groans into you, hot breath fanning down on your folds as he licks fat stripes up and down into your cunt. One of his large hands reaches up and you instinctively guide it so that he can grasp one of your tits, squeezing tightly as your back arches into him.

“Fuck—Hao!” you cry out, when he peels his mouth away from you again. He looks up at you with heavy lidded eyes and a shiny wet chin and bright grin. “Was s’close … s’close,” you whimper, as he presses kisses on the inside of your thighs, licking and nipping at the soft flesh.

“I know baby, I know, but I wanna cum with you,” Minghao murmurs against your skin before crawling up onto his arms and over you. Your eyes flutter shut as he presses his lips against yours, sliding his tongue against yours fiercely.

Moaning at the taste of yourself, you wind your arms around his neck to pull his burning body flush against yours, grinding upwards in a determined mess to make sure the remnants of your almost-orgasm don’t ebb away.

You feel his hard length prodding against the inside of your thigh as Minghao shifts above you, adjusting his hands so they’re resting by your head when he finally pulls away, panting. Black hair sticking to his sweat-slick forehead, cheeks flushed, lips swollen—you don’t think you’ll ever get used to seeing Minghao like this.

You gasp loudly when you feel his cock brush against your already sensitive folds, burying your face into the crook of his neck as he runs one hand up and down your body. “Spread your legs a little,” he mutters, tapping at your knee so that you raise your thighs so he can settle better between you.

You’re about to egg him on and tell him to speed it up but then Minghao is punching the air out of your lungs in one ruthless thrust, forcing his fat cock into you in one go.

You’re in such a haze right now, you almost forget that you’ll have to face your brother and parents in less than an hour. Minghao and Jun were, after all, going back to Korea today, but your pre-orgasmic state pushes away the nasty thought of having to say goodbye to your boyfriend and brother so soon after having them to yourself.

It wasn’t easy, of course—the first few months after you came back home from Korea with the title of being Minghao’s girlfriend hanging above your head. It was what he’d been most worried about, when he first asked you to make things official the night before you left.

“I know what I’m doing Minghao, trust me.”

And trust you, he did. He trusted you when you were kids, when he was just your brother’s best friend, when you called him (almost) every night, and he trusts you now, as he’s ramming his cock into you.

Gripping onto his back tightly, you lodge your bottom lip between your teeth as you feel the rough drag of Minghao’s cock against your walls when he pulls his hips back halfway before pounding himself back in.

“God, fuck—I’m gonna miss this so much,” he grunts, punctuating his last word with an especially harsh thrust that has your body lurching against the sheets.

“M-me too,” you gasp, forcing your eyes open so you can watch the way his neck is strained and eyes are dilated as Minghao looks down at you.

“Yeah?” Minghao chuckles between heavy breaths, using one hand to cup your jaw while the other goes down to pinch at your clit. The touch against your sensitive nub as your mouth goes wide as you whine into Minghao’s mouth, lips swallowing up your loud moans while he kisses you.

Tongue and teeth meet in a clashing mess as you struggle to hold onto your last bit of sanity, his rough movements against your clit now turning to more a sharp and calculated circular motion that has you clenching around his cock.

“Minghao, fuck—” Your curse is cut off by the obnoxious ringing of your phone from the nightstand. Minghao groans, stilling his movements while his cock is pressed balls deep inside of you as he reaches over and grabs it.

“Just hang up,” you instruct but Minghao sighs, holding it up to show you the caller ID. Rolling your eyes, you grab the phone and hold it up to ear as you try and calm down your erratic breaths.

“Jun, I’m kind of busy—”

“I don’t care. Just make sure you guys come in like the next hour,” Jun says into the phone before pausing. “Why are you breathing like—ew. Gross. Forget I ever called. Well, don’t forget what I said, but you get the point. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to vomit now.”

Your phone beeps before the call cuts and you throw it to the side, clutching Minghao’s face to smash his lips on yours. “You heard him,” you mumble into his lips. “We don’t have a lot of time …”

Minghao sighs heavily, pressing his forehead to yours when you pull your lips away and glance down at the wet mess where his cock slams into your cunt. You feel your orgasm creep up on you again, tickling your stomach and spreading through your bones as you begin to squirm beneath him.

“Fuck, I’m close,” you moan, starting to lift your hips weakly to meet his thrusts while Minghao presses wet kisses to your collarbone. Your skin feels like it’s on fire and every snap of his hips is sending you closer and closer to the edge until you feel his cock twitch inside of you, triggering the storm to clock in on you. “‘m cumming—fuck, Hao, feels s’good. Feel s‘full,” you mewl when his eyes finally meet yours and you let go.

Your limbs convulse in a haphazard mess as a long awaited orgasm racks through your body, the waves of pleasure only heightening when you feel Minghao’s thick spurts of cum shoot through your swollen cunt. He weakly thrusts into you for a few final moments until you’re both in a buzzing, overstimulated haze, his body going limp when he finally collapses on top of you.

“Do you think we have time for another—” Minghao begins to ask, lifting his head to look at you when you lightly smack a hand over his head.

“Minghao, this is our third round,” you groan when he slips out of you, rolling off of you so you have room to cool down.

“And? I’m not going to see you for at least another month,” he whines, squeezing your cheek from the side.

Pressing a kiss to the side of his cheek, you murmur, “I wish we could but you heard Jun. We need to shower, still …”

Minghao rolls his eyes, propping himself up on his arms, eyes flickering between you and the shower before smirking. “So … are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“You horndog,” you scoff, sitting up straight as Minghao gets up from the bed. He turns to you, an eyebrow raised.

“So is that a yes or a no?”

Giggling, you kick the covers off and follow after him. “Only if you’re quick with it.”

Minghao grabs your arm, yanking you close to him as you stumble into the bathroom. “I love you,” he murmurs, your tits pressing close to his chest.

“I love y—” The words melt on your tongue before they can be heard, Minghao’s mouth engulfing your breath.

You’ll really have to apologize to Jun for being late.

“You have everything? Your tickets?” you ask as you lean against the doorframe. You’re both standing outside your parents house right now, waiting for Jun to finish his last bit of packing (why he was so insistent on you two coming quickly when even he wasn’t ready is still a mystery to you) so you can call over the van to take them to the airport.

Minghao shrugs at you, pulling out his wallet to look through the pockets to double check. As he’s shuffling through them, a familiar piece of paper sticks out and grabs your attention. “You keep my letter in your wallet?”

Minghao nods, seemingly unbothered by your surprise. “Yeah. Where else would I keep it?”

“Well, I don’t know but—”

“It’s a cute letter!” Minghao reasons. “And I like having it with me. Like a little good luck charm.”

You press a kiss to his cheek when he says that, but continue to say, “I don’t get what’s so cute about me getting drunk and writing to you.”

“Okay that part, I don’t like. Seriously. Underage drinking is not cool,” Minghao mutters. “But the rest of the letter is pretty nice I guess,” he teases, tucking his wallet back into his pocket.

“Pretty nice?” you scoff, trying to snatch the wallet back from him to grab your letter. He swipes it away too quickly though, and you’re left pawing at his chest to try and get it back. “You don’t deserve that letter! I put my heart and soul into it!”

“Heart and soul? I think you mean you poured five shots of vodka into it.” You frown deeply, and Minghao relaxes his shoulders. “Okay I’m sorry—you know I love the letter.”

“Do I?” you huff stubbornly, looking at the ground.

Minghao traces a hand down your face and tilts your chin upwards. “C’mon look at me,” he murmurs, and you begrudgingly meet his gaze. “I love the letter.” He pecks you on the lips. “Do you believe me now?”

“You might have to kiss me one more time for that.”

Minghao grins and presses his lips on yours again, a little harder this time. “Good now?”

“Yes—you got lucky.”

“Okay good … but just for extra measures, I have something that might sweeten the deal,” Minghao tells you, pulling a folded paper out of his pocket and handing it to you. Carefully, you take it and unravel it, glancing over the words.

There’s a lot—like a lot—and Minghao’s face flushes as you skim over the paragraphs he wrote, slapping a hand over the paper. “Okay don’t read it in front of me!” he whines, and you beam because history has a tendency to repeat itself.

“Fine, fine,” you sigh, looking down at it one more time when your eyes catch a little note at the bottom.

Pursing your lips, you glance up and find Minghao watching you with wide eyes and a bright smile, and you can’t help but fling yourself into his arms. Your heart swells when you feel him wrap his hands around you rightly pulling him close as the words cast their imprint into your mind.

You’re happy. So, so, so happy.

Yours truly, Xu Minghao (weirdo)

P.S. I love you.

a/n. okay wow i can't believe this is done ... genuinely put so much into this fic i hope u all enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it! i definitely might be writing more about these two bc i loved them so much😭 i had like 2 more ideas for a smut in mind but decided not to add them but if you'd be interested in reading them, i might post them as a oneshot/bonus, so lmk what you're interested in! please reblog if u did, and let me know ur thoughts—it would mean a lot to me :3

tags. @synthetickitsune @ixayjun @leejihoonownsmyheart @dahliatopia @gyuswhore @hoeforcheol @5xiang @hajimelvr @miriamxsworld @blinkjunhui @lixiel0ver @josefines-things @mimisxs @ming-h0e @kawennote09 @bbyjjunie @junhui-recs @ichorjeon (strikethrough could not be tagged)

[formulatrash]

hi! It’s totally fair if you don’t want to answer this question for whatever reason but, do you think there are any drivers in F1 that are part of the LGBTQ+ community? I don’t want to speculate on anyone’s sexuality, but it is a bit disheartening at times to see no representation whatsoever in the sport that I love so dearly... at the same time, it’s nobody’s duty to become a symbol for the community just because they’re a part of it, so I’d understand if they wanted to keep that low key, especially considering the amount of fans that would hate them for that only. It just makes me sad sometimes, not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna speculate publicly in any specific way, obviously. But statistically, it is impossible that there have never been LGBTQ+ F1 drivers - and actually there were two out ones, in Mike Beuttler (who sadly died of AIDS) and Lella Lombardi.

In other series, there are openly out drivers - in fact W Series seem to be basically incapable of stopping the drivers getting together, which is awesome and they should do it. And also kinda gives a lie to the idea rivals wouldn't.

There is a split between women's and men's sports in that basically sporting ladies seem to be like "wow, fit women time to openly drool over each other" and men being more pressured to keep it strictly no homo. It's nice that F1 drivers lately have been definitely more comfortable with being affectionate to each other and with deviating from very restrictive ideas of masculinity, although obviously that does not in any way imply their sexualities or gender status.

I think there are many reasons to be optimistic that an F1 driver could come out. Motorsport's landscape has changed - and the world, too - but of course, as you say, being the first is a sucky job and not, heh, one of the good kind.

Would they face some challenges? For sure. Some locations would be difficult - the UK, for instance, if a driver came out as trans. God, just imagining the thinkpieces from TERFs has made me nearly pass out.

I am sure there are LGBTQ+ people in the paddock beyond, whether that's in the media cohort (I mean, lmao, I am typing this why do I always exclude myself lol) or in the garages. And of course, the fans. As much as F1 talks about (even pre-pandemic) existing in its own bubble, of course it does not and while demographics are often skewed towards wealth and white western europeans, that doesn't affect the distribution of LGBTQ+ people.

Will it be godawful for the person who takes the first step? Yeah. You can't get away from the fact casual homophobia is pretty rife in F1, I'm regularly appalled by the sort of shitty jokes members of the media - who you'd think might be a bit less stuck in the jurassic period - will default to. Lots of people in F1 think they're a bit hardcore, that that's part of the image of the sport and it comes with both a strict conservatism and edgelord tendencies.

I think, with the right support, though, they'd be ok. Drivers generally have much better support systems now than ever before and god knows, it's cus they need 'em. From social media to the immediacy of reaction, everything from onboards to team radio to their Insta likes is under scrutiny and of course, that's gonna feel pretty oppressive in some ways.

(I know I hate it, as someone who gets a low-level version of it on Twitter)

But would their team or sponsors or the sport at large lose faith? No. And there would be, in the torrent of horrible stuff that's inevitable with any of these things, such support and inspiration.

It's a bit of a burden, being a figurehead and it's very easy to see why, for example, Lewis shrugged it off for a lot of his career because fuck knows, everyone's got enough to be getting on with with just the basic challenges of the career let alone having to be a representative. And it's why, with aspects you're not able to hide, people struggle - whether that's race, gender or whatever.

Living in the closet isn't a very satisfying option, though; which is the most convincing argument for how there might not have been any LGBTQ+ drivers other than the ones we know about. But it's more likely they grinned and bore it, of course. History's littered with people who never got to truly live as themselves.

It's very good having someone like Matt Bishop in a prominent role in F1. Because he can speak beyond the theoretical; that a team can welcome a gay head of communications and the paddock will have to and can work with them. That he's in a relative position of power is great because it means people can't chat shit and that means for someone without that relative power, they're protected by extension.

Who knows when more LGBTQ+ people will come along to the sport - but I think there's reason to be hopeful that they can be there.

[halflingkima]

ok time for my rousing (baseless) defense of trent crimm the independent (tl;dr skip to last paragraph lol)

tbh i thought we were all on the same page til i went hunting for trent’s 1.03 article and ONLY found kneejerk thinkpieces abt trent being “the worst journalist ever.” I skimmed them to see what evidence they pulled, and there was nothing outside of 2.11. This did explain the trent-apologist fics that popped up immediately after 2.11 though.

Obv, i disagree w the thinkpieces. Completely. this doesn’t reflect upon trent nearly at all, let alone poorly. I don’t blame him for writing the article, for asking for comment after publication, or for ‘revealing’ his source.

first of all, it’s (fictional) sports journalism. the basic stakes are shuffling big money around in the form of professional athletes, already wildly wealthy themselves. the show directly implies that while the media may be a factor in industry choices, it is never the deciding one. (ex: the media builds up an ‘over the hill” reputation for roy, but the team’s decisions abt his value completely disregard that aspect.)

secondly, it’s a nuanced conversation, even in the direct text (no pun intended) of the scene: the wording of the messages, ted’s reaction to each, etc. The core of my argumment is this: we don’t know trent. we don’t know the extent of his friendship with ted, we don’t know how he feels about his job, we don’t even know if he’s a good journalist (when ted asks what trent loves, he agrees that it’s writing – not journalism, football, or richmond).

by my count, we see him out of the press room thrice in the whole series (with jaime in 1.02, episode 1.03, and in the pub in 2.03). Yet ted has his number under “Maybe: Trent Crimm” and bakes trents 3yo birthday cookies. All we know of their friendship is from Ted’s perspective, and the show set up such a stellar foundation that we don’t need to see these things to know that ted is steadily chipping away at trent’s walls - or rather, “hopping over fences.”

And this text thread – in context –  cements the concept. they’re slightly more familiar than “work acquaintances” but nowhere near “genuine friends.” Not close enough for trent to bury the story, or even meet in person, but close enough that trent doesn’t want to participate in the betrayal.

I don’t blame him for writing the article: it’s his job. I don’t fault him for asking ted for comment after the digital article went up – at the least he’s trying to maintain control over an awkward situation, and at most it can still be slipped into either digital or print copy. and despite it apparently being the cardinal sin of journalism, i don’t fault him for revealing his source to ted specifically.

The reason journalists protect anonymous sources is retaliation; vengeful slander of the source, physical confrontations, or economic consequences (losing jobs). But while Trent & Ted aren’t all that close, they’re close enough to stop for a chat in the local pub. Close enough that ted knows trent’s kid’s birthday. close enough that trent gives ted a personal (if belated) heads up abt the article.

if our model for the ted/trent relationship is ted’s other relationships, the ted that trent knows is unabashed, compassionate, and honest. therefore, it’s safe to assume that trent trusts ted. he not only trusts him not to act poorly upon this information shared in confidence, but he also trusts ted not to ruin trent’s journalistic reputation. whether he’s correct remains to be seen, but as of now, ted’s the only one who knows trent’s revealed his source.

and ultimately: it’s a tv show. ultimately, trent’s entire narrative function is the personification of the sports news media. the text message scene did exactly what the narrative needed in order to move forward in a tight, economic, and (imo) clever way. this is not the first time the show has bent logic a little (even aside from beard after hours): nate spontaeously became a coach, jamie goes back to richmond basically bc he wants to, no one tells ted about regulation, etc. The show, like all great narratives, skips past the red-tape practicalities to give us what we want. In both Doylist and Watsonian contexts, trent directly telling ted – and only ted – about Nate’s betrayal protects Nate from the vicious jaws of the outside press while avoiding the miscommunication trope and giving richmond staff the time, space, and safety to work through this internally.

[beldaroot]

Do you have any unpopular opinions about IT? Or about the fandom

anon are you trying to set me up for hate?! lol jk, everyone knows i don't mind saying my thoughts lksdjflk i feel like i've been pretty vocal already with my many, many unpopular opinions... so here's like 2k words of them because i don't know how to shut up. again these are opinions and i’m answering an ask sent to me, so don't attack me if you don't agree with them lol if you want further explanation i’m happy to do so too!

we don't need a supercut. i also don't think we're getting a supercut (maybe if the pandemic didn't happen we might have). all the supercut would give us is solid proof that wb is homophobic and also more scenes of bad characterization.

i liked the actors they chose for both movies and i wouldn’t change them. i just think these actors were given bad scripts. i don’t blame the actors themselves for portraying the characters inaccurately, it really is all muschietti&co’s fault. like james ransone and bill hader didn’t reread the book while isaiah mustafa read it multiple times and all three of their characters were done horribly. the actors were just doing their job and it was under muschietti’s directions that we have these bad characterizations. (also this isn't me supporting the actors personally, some of them are shitty people, i'm just talking about their performances).

it movies were not scary at all. it's just a bunch of jumpscares with some decent cgi. and it really sucks that they played more with pennywise being fucking weird than actually showcasing the psychological fears and trauma.

the miniseries is good! yes it’s corny and definitely had a production budget of like $8, but it still kept pretty close to the story! it did such a better job showing the losers friendship: we got to see them hangout and be silly and not angry at each other or separated for dumb reasons.

i don’t think you need to read the book to enjoy the movies or the franchise in general. the book is long as hell and shitty and i wouldn’t want someone to succumb to reading it if they don’t want to. however, it’s frustrating when people who have read the book call out specific discrepancies between the book and the movies and others will ignore it or greatly defend the movies. it chapter two was objectively bad, i’m sorry! when people say the movies should have stayed closer to the source material, it’s not like we’re trying to push the book in your face. we’ve come to cherish the book characterizations and it just hurts to see beloved characters ruined over some shitty portrayals and bad directing and writing.

all the losers are shippable with each other (except bev and eddie), but there are just some ships that are more compatible with each other due to canon elements and interactions.

on that note, it isn't reddie's fault if your non-reddie ship isn't as popular. i know i'm biased but there is reason why people gravitate towards reddie in the first place, and if your non-reddie ship doesn't have that much content, there is no need to bash reddie for it. (though you can definitely bash reddie shippers for picking reddie over another ship if they’re not shipping a non-reddie ship due to racism or some other form of bigotry)

like eddie, i do not care about myra. lol, i don’t understand the discourse around her since she is just a 2d character that was meant to show how eddie is trapped in the toxic cycle his mother created. she is just a surrogate sonia, but she isn’t as a big of a threat to eddie as his mom was. the fact that eddie was able to leave her so easily, knowing that it might be the last time he sees her, is so telling that she was never really an obstacle for him. his biggest fear has always been his mother, myra played a small role in it but not enough for there to be all these thinkpieces about it lskdjfksf also, the fact that we don’t see eddie’s intro chapter in her POV but we saw stan’s and bev’s through their partners, just shows that myra's thoughts are not that important lol

i don’t hate benverly. i think they’re cute and as much as i didn’t really like the underwater kiss, it was shot amazingly looool. i will say i find it weird that people will call benverly “boring” especially given how many parallels they have with reddie. that being said, it is frustrating to see these similar stories between these two ships, but of course, the straight couple will get the happy ending while the gays are suffering. also, i wish that people would give more depth to benverly as a ship - they would definitely have a lot of issues to overcome, bev with her abuse and trauma, ben with his loneliness and inability to open up about his true feelings. and i think because they're a m/f couple, people just don't care about them or want to explore them. also, ben is a great character and some of the hate towards him is wildly unnecessary and at times very hypocritical. 

sandy was not a beard for richie. i'm assuming this got popular since chapter two made richie gay so now people read richie’s vasectomy story with sandy as a type of “performance” or a “bit” he’s practiced to appear straight. however, the way i perceived it is richie finally being open and taking a sad story of his love life and turning it into a grand retelling so the losers will still think of him as a jokester. it’s very apparent from how he talks about sandy that she was very important to him and that even though they separated mutually, the hurt he has is still present. also, i just don’t think you need to villainize a woman character who only appears for like 3 pages total lol.

bill is the best written character in the movies and that's because he's always the self-insert. in order from best to worst characterization i would say bill > ben > bev > richie > stan > eddie > mike. 

ok all the losers are queer in some fashion, but i think the loser who gives off the most straight energy is not ben, but stan. stan just never held any idolization or romantic interactions with the boy losers. he really only shows deep care and gentleness to bev and then later to patty. and he was just so in love with patty! like those two love birds can be bi, but if they’re straight, i don’t have any complaints either because they’re that cute!

richie is bisexual and straight passing. eddie is gay and not straight passing. really can’t believe these are unpopular opinions, but i’ve seen more than enough people say the opposite, so i have to say my piece! richie’s whole thing is about putting on a façade, there is always two sides of him. he wants to appear straight because he doesn’t want people to know his true self. eddie has always appeared “gay,” this is literally why people bullied him and called him slurs and “sissy,” but he doesn’t know/try to change his appearance into something more masculine.

people who feminize eddie and people who make him hypermasc are both evil and will not be seeing heaven! i genuinely hate both so much but if i had to choose i think "uwu softboy" eddie is more in character than mean aggressive asshole eddie who hates his friends. and it's just so funny because i think out of all the losers, eddie definitely blurs the lines of gender the most, he doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes and for that reason, he’s targeted for his appearance. anyway, some of y’all need to understand that gay men can be complex and have range!

chapter two eddie sucked and should absolutely be removed from existence. that’s is not my eddie kaspbrak. idon’tknowher.gif.

muschietti&co gave richie eddie’s storyline. this shouldn’t be unpopular or even controversial, like the dude literally said “eddie had a lot going on” while richie didn’t, so he “gave” richie more. and it’s weird that people try to defend andy on this, because richie does have a lot going on too!! he already had his own queer storyline that they could have explored!! it was an injustice to both richie and eddie that andy tried to switch their storylines/personalities. there can and should be more than one queer character in a media at a time, but andy was like “no, and i don't know what bisexuality is.” it’s just sad because out of the two, eddie’s queer subtext in the book is much more blatant than richie’s, and yet people came out of the movie saying eddie wasn’t gay or that his feelings weren’t mutual. the reason a lot of people sympathize with richie’s storyline in the movie is because it has elements of book eddie’s story in it!! both of them deserved to have their stories told properly and also independently – they are intertwined but they’re also separate. they aren’t interchangeable. richie was scared that people would see him as predatory; that’s what the werewolf symbolized to him. he felt he was a monster, that bisexuality made him dangerous. he's not some sad repressed gay. also!! eddie deserved to kill bowers and it makes me seethe with rage that he wasn’t given that. 

hated that richie didn’t write his own material in the movie. i understand that richie likes to keep facades, but book richie is very ambitious and wants to see himself prosper. the part in the book where he’s talking about reining in the “crazy man” with the line “but he had understood his potential not to be just good at the job but great at it, and just that knowledge had been enough to put him over the moon on a cloud of euphoria.” like richie is smart!! he wants to be in control and be accoladed for his talents! he wouldn't want someone else to make him funny. richie can be self-destructive but he wants recognition too. 

hated the arcade scene. was totally unnecessary to have this random bully (who everyone started to sympathize with and ship richie with????) confront richie like that. i didn't mind that richie's token wasn't related to eddie because again, i do think that they are separate, but i wish richie had some sort of confrontation with pennywise via eddie because that would have made r+e make actual sense.

the whole token storyline was dumb. trying to make the ritual of chud work with tokens instead of what it was intended to be - a game of wits and humor - was stupid. especially since the ritual was known to fail and mike lied to them to get them to find these useless tokens. it was also bad because we never got to see the flashback for mike and ben always had his token with him (which was also weird… like why would he keep that in his wallet for 27 years….??)  

that quarry scene in the movie where bev strips and then all the boys ogle at her was unnecessary and creepy and i hope andy muschietti goes to jail for it!

bev and eddie are the only two losers with abusive parents. the other losers have varying degrees of toxicity with their parents (the hanlons being zero), but not enough to be labeled as abusive.

stan was badly written in both movies. i can and have written an essay about this, but he was given scraps and it sucks that people will look at the second movie and say he was written well especially since andy romanticized his suicide by writing those letters like stan was a martyr sacrificing himself for the good of the group instead of being deeply traumatized and killing himself because he was so scared. also, that bar mitzvah scene does not make any sense chronologically and it felt more like a storyline for richie than for stan and i wish it remained a deleted scene. i like the idea of him rebelling and pointing out the illogic of things, but stan never had an issues with grownups… he liked his parents! anyway, stan was not a coward for killing himself and in general he deserves so much fucking better.

eddie is funnier than richie. i'm sorry, but i laughed so many times in the book while reading eddie's parts while i had to skim over richie's parts because i didn't even know what he was saying with those voices and half the time they were racist so....

mike was badly characterized in the movies and the reason for that is muschietti&co are racist. no ifs ands or buts about it! you can't just completely destroy someone's character that much if you don't have some sort of subconscious anti-blackness in you. mike literally has the most content in the book and you're going to portray his character in horrible racist stereotypes AND give him no screentime?! like stan, i have written a whole essay about this topic, so if you actually want me to share all the details, i can. it's just.... a lot, and this post is already so long.

in regards to race, i don't think it's harmful to headcanon the other losers as a different race or ethnicity. especially if you're poc (like i used to headcanon harry potter as a brown desi man as a desi myself because it gave me comfort). however!! i think it can be harmful if you start sidelining mike and his blackness because of these racial/ethnic headcanons. mike's story directly revolves around being black in a white town, his story is about the racism he faced and how he was accepted by the losers regardless of his race. i mean the reason he's qualified as a “loser” in the first place is because he's black lol. so just don't minimize his story for your own headcanons.

as for the fandom..... oof A LOT of y'all are racist, fatphobic, sexist, antisemitic, homophobic, and also biphobic. sometimes it does not feel like a safe place for marginalized communities, especially when they are discussing “controversial” yet important issues.

y'all also recycle the same discourse every few months and it's really annoying (though there hasn't been much discourse recently thank god)

some of y’all need to understand that platonic relationships are just as, if not, better than some romantic relationships. ship wars are overrated. 

y'all truly suck at engaging with content. you will say this fandom is dying is dead but i can go into the reddie tag or the it ao3 tag and find countless new content every day. yes, that content might not fit what you want, but if you do find something and enjoy it, you need to comment/leave a tag and let creators know that so they feel appreciated. don’t know who needs to tell you this, but when content creators receive positive feedback, they’re more motivated to create content! woah! 

i will say that even if this fandom has its bad moments, there are still a lot of great people here. i've made a lot of friends and the it fandom is probably one of the best fandom in regards to unique, rich, and wonderful content. it's 2021 and i'm still glad i'm here! <3

[redfountainpostin]

Now for the boys it is different. Timmy managed to avoid most of attention- the one he got he got just by proxy of being in the "problem squad" but his war efforts were not widely recognized because he was mostly behind a computer when he made most contributions, and he did not yet make enough progress with Techna to be written about as The Boyfriend, which would have gotten him more clicks. That also makes his house a safe space for Riven that summer because any camp that he would have applied for would be public knowledge and he'd be hounded by paparazzi, meanwhile no one is crouching in front of Timmy's place.

Now Riven got it rough. There is proof that he had been spelled so there is no legal recourse against him (Radius wanted a warrant on his head for outing Sky but Saladin talked him down) but that does not stop the public speculation. He and Darcy were also the IT couple before it all went to shit, so not only are there a BUNCH of people sending tips on how it all was, where they were, where they were seen, there are also photos of them together, laughing, having fun, Riven whispering something in her ear while looking to the side, clearly dishing out some dirt. The picture perfect relationship, with cherry on top of Darcy cheering on when he's winning for the track team, or Riven watching her ballet practice (I make my Darcy a dancer just to fuck with Musa lol) would usually be gushed over by the media like Zanessa (Brangelina is too long and not y2k enough) but because the girl is a terrorist, it's a much more hateful coverage. "Oh, he's laughing in this picture, CLEARLY he agreed to have all those people killed!". Meanwhile dude was just laughing at a funny joke.

Sky and Brandon... Brandon's good. He's a loyal squire and Protector and he did everything right, every lie he told was in line of duty, and he's dating Stella, and they're the IT couple now (Brella dethroning Darven was loooos ((and yes, both of those are used in the papers)) it's just good vibes all around. Also, with him being a squire who was meant to die in case an assassination was made against Sky, it gives him a nice "underdog" vibe that would usually go to Riven if the papers weren't busy tearing him apart.

Sky, however... listen, at first it's good. He's the Prince Charming- papers are sympathetic towards his struggles, Diaspro has been labelled as pushy... but if there is one thing papers hate, it's boredom. You can be stagnant if the state you're stuck in is interesting to write about. They'll keep writing about Riven because hate sells- they'll keep writing about Brella because IT couple will get clicks even if you just write what they had for brunch and awww, look how cute they are sharing food he's eating from her fork. But Sky? How many thinkpieces can you write about an uncertain teenage boy just trying to figure himself out? At first they were on his side, they lulled him in the false sense of security, and when his belly was exposed they turned on him- suddenly he was a spoiled prince, "a spoiled, immature young man, endlessly complaining unnecessarily". Suddenly he was unfair to Diaspro and stringing Bloom along and some claim he cheated on them both and some this and some that- and it is throwing him in a loop and he is NOT doing good.

Okay so how bad do you think media attention was after season 1? Now, I think that Magix has a lot of laws surrounding paparazzi because it is THE place to get primary education (there is 1 amazing institution of the higher learning there- the others are ok normal unis and such but kids from the 3 main schools, if they go further with their education, usually go to other planets because the elite higher learning places are scattered through the galaxy) and so it is the place where so many rich and famous and noble and royal send their kids. However, that only protects you from being like, HOUNDED by paparazzi- and it only applies to employed journalists. Many tabloids go around this by paying people under the table to get secret snapshots, meaning you could go out to have a cup of coffee, not encounter a single incident and bam, you're on page six. "Think" pieces also are not forbidden, so tabloids can just take your school photo and then write a fucking essay if that's what they want. Of course, a bunch of people took photos of bloom, to the point that she stopped going to Magix for awhile- all the girls did, because they too are now celebrities; so they either have the boys drive em out to the next town over or they just have picnics outside, by the lake or in the woods (NOT the black mud swamp). However, as awful as it is to constantly be in the news, they ARE regarded as heroes (and Musa's music skyrocketted in streams). Stella's PR also improved so much more- she was always praised for her clothes and many people loved her for how bubbly she is, and how cool she is, AND how scandalous she is (repeating the first year) but some papers called her ditzy, frivolous and way too pop- now they're praising the same things they hated before because she helped defeat the trix. Of course, there are also hate accounts for each of the girls, but that's just trolls.

[ohnomybreadsticks]

August AU Challenge 2k19 - Bonus Content

There was a lot of content that I made up for some of these stories that never made it in, just because of time/length constraints! But I still wanted to share, in case anyone wanted more of a particular story ;) Who knows if I’ll come back to any of these later, but for now that’s all folks! 

Under the cut because very long lol. Also cw for discussions of things like depression/suicide as they relate to certain stories.

Note: / denotes a pairing, & denotes platonic

1. RK Siblings Farmer’s Market AU

1.5 Reed900 Farmer’s Market AU

2. North & Nines National Park Rangers AU

As mentioned on the story itself, the tent situation is heavily based off a bon appetit video

3. Leo & Markus Wild West AU

Credit for the atmosphere and cowboy aesthetic goes to my convos with @sinclairsolutions and her fantastic cowboy fic that’s in the works

4. Conniel Reverse AU

Connor is a household android Hank hires to take care of Cole after the divorce, and Connor slowly becomes attached to both of them. When Cole dies, Hank becomes a depressed alcoholic, and tries to commit suicide. Connor deviates to save his life, and essentially takes him hostage in an attempt to keep him from trying again. After Daniel deactivates Connor post hostage-situation, Hank ends up…. ? either taking his own life or trying to turn it around

5. Kamski/Clyde Bakery AU

@minasnorma and I threw around ideas and realized that when they move in together, these two dorks have to have two separate fridges, one for vegan only and one for non-vegan food

6. Simarkus Alien Encounter/Abduction AU

The lovely @jordyn3130 wrote a super cute follow up ficlet of sorts where Markus is actually an alien “exchange student”

7. Echo/Ripple Merpeople AU

For the first few years, Ripple just visits the beach to see her girlfriend, but eventually the separation is too much, and Echo becomes a mermaid to be with her and become her wife

8. Hankvin Star Wars AU

@connorssock shook me by the collar until a happy ending popped out - after everything, Hank and Gavin finally try again, Gavin convincing Hank to come with him on his ship. They’re happy for a while, until Hank starts getting restless, he hates space after everything that’s happened...but instead of giving up this time, Gavin gives in, and gets Hank a little house on a tiny rim world. That way his Jedi can enjoy the solitude, and Gavin always has somewhere to come home to, no matter where the lure of space takes him

9. Leo/RK900 Surfer Bros AU

10. Josh/North Les Mis AU

In a Les Mis AU, Markus is probably off swanning over noble-born Simon and fighting with his sense of duty to his compatriots leading the revolution.

11. Hankcon Dog Walker + Dog Owner Meetcute AU

I almost wrote this one backwards because I forgot the exact prompt, so Connor was going to be the dog walker, and the chihuahua was a dog Hank got for Cole to make him happy after the divorce lmao. Also Princey is what a friend calls her cat. There IS an Allen60 part to this story in the works, I just gotta actually write it down lol

11.5 Reed900 Dog Walker AU

12. Chloe/Kamski Cinderella AU

Almost wrote this with Kamski as the prince, but then I wasn’t sure what my little twist would be...so Kamski as the fairy godfather emerged!

13. Connor & Hank Arthurian Legends AU

14. Tina/Polly Starving Artist AU

15. Allen60 Pilots/Flight Attendants AU

There were two possible endings I tossed around for Connor in this one - I imagine he either gets transferred onto flights captained by Mr. Anderson, who’s just getting back into work as a pilot after getting his life back together OR Connor meets Mr. Anderson on a long haul flight and they end up falling madly in love!!

16. Tina/Stacy Librarian + Patron Meetcute AU

17. Reed900 LotR/Silmarillion AU

I legit almost gave them dumb Tolkien names LOL. I also played around with the idea of pulling a dumb “Gavin son of Gareth” stunt but saved all of you at the last minute XD This was also, for the record, one of my personal favorites and also one of the most fun to write

18. Simon/North Angel and Demon AU

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS NOT TO JUST WRITE A GOOD OMENS RIP OFF?? It was very hard actually and I almost had it end with like ‘can I tempt you to get drinks with me?’ bit lol

19. Luthara Atlantis (Movie/Legend) AU

20. Polycho BE9/Elder Gods AU

Another personal favorite, mostly because I’m so excited to get to the Polycho part of BE9 lol

21. Jerralph Movie Stars AU

I almost had Ralph also as a costar on the set but then I wasn’t sure what the twist would be tbh

22. Gavin & Kamski Pirate AU

23. Kara & Alice Harry Potter AU

Someone smarter than me and better at HP houses should sort the Jericrew into their houses...but North is 100% a Slytherin in the best way don’t @ me

24. Gavin & Tina Victorian England (Steampunk) AU

I’d like to imagine that eventually they get the rocketboots working and fly all around the city lol

25. Chloe/North Beauty and the Beast AU

I worked really hard to try and subvert the usual Beauty and the Beast tropes, because I felt like the idea of keeping someone captive goes against EVERYTHING North stands for. 

26. North/Kara Grad Students AU

I flirted with the idea of having them fighting over Kara’s class running late over North’s, but I fell in love with the idea of them not knowing each other until the very end. Kara teaches English, btw, and is a big believer in alternate teaching styles and student-led learning 

27. Simon/Josh Shipwrecked on a Deserted Island AU

28. Convin Sherlock Holmes AU

29. Markus/Connor Vampire AU

This story almost went two directions: loaded comedic banter between Markus and Connor OR a darker more atmospheric thinkpiece about the nature of being a vampire hunter...instead we ended up with a mix of the two lol

30. North/Connor Vegan Restaurant Owner + Hapless Customer Meetcute AU

I wanted to subvert the ‘customer comes in and initiates contact with someone who’s on the clock’ trope, even though I’m always a fan of it in fictional contexts lol. 

31. Gavin/Tina Time Travel AU

I didn’t have time, but Gavin is jumping through time “to see if people are always terrible.” He had a pretty traumatic time growing up, and he wanted to see if humanity is always terrible or if it was just his lot to be treated poorly. The reason he’s so mean to anyone who tries to get to know him as he jumps from time to time is that he can’t let himself get attached to anyone in a different time period. Well, and he’s also just kind of a grump lol