#fintess model aesthetic

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

Sometimes it's hard to write entries cause don't want to complain or say the same stuff too much because it'd be annoying probably to others to read etc.~

I am considering starting a weight lifters recommendation for dieting not because I want to go into weight lifting but because I want to get a six pack sooner along with making some slight adjustments to my workout sets. I figure if I have a six pack or even like a 4 pack but basically a slim toned stomach that just maybe I won't feel so self conscious about it and could wear fitted clothing without feeling insecure and maybe for once feel like a beautiful gorgeous girl/model/retro Hollywood glamour beauty star etc~

Hairstyles, so many to choose from...

Considering a perm, did you know perms are used as way to add volume for thin hair and that they're several different types of perms, personally debating between root perm, volume perm, body perm and stacked perm options~

Although I may just not go with perm and try using curlers instead~

If I don't get hair cut shorter in a lob or bob style may just get curtain bangs instead~

Fashion, obviously I am more comfortable in oversized clothes but realizing for dresses it's better if they are fitted as look better that way~

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

I cracked my phone screen it's pretty bad like spiderweb fracture overlay~

Its not the first time something like this has happened cause I am a klutz. But the timing is awful not to mention I checked and service provider no longer carries my particular phone model. I don't want to spend alot on a phone and I have considered totally going rogue and just not having one...~

But it does serve usefulness too, apps with games, reading books online and music etc.~

I'd like an apple phone because they are the ideal of aesthetic cuteness but wayyyy too expensive~

I could go with Samsung brand or maybe Google's phone model?~

The last time my screen was this damaged I picked apart the cracks of glass flecks that were loose and cut myself, somewhat unintentionally but also a little not~

The little bit of blood from scratches wasn't an issue but getting it embedded into skin accidentally and having to remove it like one would a splinter now thats painful. Not a process I want to repeat which means I may or should replace phone sometime this month~

Yay more indecisiveness to deal with!~

I feel fat, maybe am not chubby but I just don't feel skinny/thin or pretty. I want to lose some weight but stupid cravings for carbs and sweets are especially difficult lately~

The hot temperatures keep zapping my energy and slowly sucking the life or motivation to workout away semi effectively leaving the easy prey of napping to occur~

I realized something, it's almost that time of the month for me and while I do have certain longings that want in general in particular during that time of month certain ones get a boosted enhancement of desires for~

Like being taken care of, is it too much to daydream of wanting to wake up to someone picking out outfit to wear, helping style hair, keep me motivated on track with workout, keeping time of schedule while helping me find ways to relax by having me color or draw pictures, basically want to be little sometimes but I am so self conscious, shy and heightened senses of being responsible around others that am not sure could just let go and have fun~

I want to buy a stuffie/plushie or several to have to hug when feeling extra emotional and I've recently considered hand puppets because they look cute and could avoid talking using them to gesture for things but the reality is I doubt I'll ever get them because it's silly for me to want that and they could go to actually children that would benefit from them, ophranges, hospitals for ill patients, secret Santa programs etc.~

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

Like how I consider pink and pastels to be my favorite colors if asked by strangers~

Tho while do like them, if its baby blue clothes I so can't help wanting them~

Like blush pink too but it doesn't always look great on me~

To those who voted in poll, thank you. I appreciate the response. I feel like schoolgirl is what I am most comfortable in, like plaids and it's the most conservative. The cream set is totally elegant lady vibes and do like as well. Lastly, always wanted to try dressing more gothic to express the inner melancholy I feel at times or the cliche reference to liking darker stuff~

But I am indecisive so you know, takes forever to decide on stuff and since vast majority voted for gothic aesthetic I am strongly considering it. The thing that's making me hesitate is the shipping for the skirt is estimated delivery dates between 5-7 days or so and the last time I had an extended wait time the item never arrived. I was offered refund but to receive it or to get more tracking info given lost package I'd have to contact customer service which means talking so not an option for me personally~

I mean I could order it and maybe it wouldn't get lost and it would arrive within the dates they gave but I don't know~

I did a few additional sets in workouts today so kinda feel like was productive with goal of trying to lose more weight~

I may not have my goal waistline of 25 inches but I did get down to xs for skirt from Francesca's. So I was happy about that for like a few minutes until the anxiety of if I gain weight might not fit into it and thinking of need to use better self control and resistant to sweets to keep body as is or become hopefully more model like and beautiful~

I looked up movies and there's actually a few I want to see after watching trailers~

Thinking about going, tho when to avoid crowds is the issue since summer so many more people everywhere it seems~

Hot Topic, I visited there and my anxiety was off the charts and I am surprised I wasn't literally shaking cause felt like that internally... why? Because of the people, dressed in ways to indicate if observant enough that reference to certain kinks, and some of the items there I could see as possible use for that as well. I did note some items were reasonably priced and my style so may go back and get them another time~

I worried people might think I was a shoplifter because of how anxious and jittery I was feeling. But no apparently my invisibility must have activated accidentally bumped gently into a group of girl-guys friend group in the store and no one said anything so totally didn't notice me which in some ways was nice~

Then that guy, he was older and attractive but I was so nervous and hope didn't make him uncomfortable since he moved out of section that was glancing around at~

I felt so much better after I got out of store and then visited one of my favorites. I was sad to hear they were closing location but it made for some super great deals. Oversized sweater dress~ like I need more oversized stuff but super soft and cheap price couldn't resist~

Then a cute mini skirt and blue rose babydoll dress. I probably wouldn't have gotten them if not for the fact low prices and knowing they wouldn't be here later since store would literally be gone....~

I was going to go into Victoria Secret to browse but after that decided I'd had enough with the crowds of girls with their besties, and random cute guys etc~

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

I'm the type of girl who'd want the cliche romance with crush, the amusement park dates, late night drives or conversations, the matching couple clothing, the holding hands, gentle affectionate in public, the little inside jokes and bdsm aspects too.~

But I'm also the girl that's too shy to start conversation, the one no one gives a second glance too. I can wear anything even more costume aesq aesthetic attire and still remain alone, sure maybe the occasional looks from others over outfit choice but thats about it.~

If my nerves get too much I'd run and hide or freeze in situations it's just instinctual at this point.~

I suppose obsessively working out is better than being lazy though to be fair I have my lazy days too where motivation is next to 0.~

I realized as much as overhaul dresses are adorably cute that I dont feel comfortable wearing them because I dont think I am thin enough to look ideally goregous or adorably cute in them.~

I get these moods to pair my wardrobe down to fitting into a suitcase and just go somewhere drift from place to place etc.~

I just can't decide to go with totally only the cutest outfits or the plain but comfortable outfits. ~

I want to shower those I like in generous affectionate tho I often stop myself because whose to say they'd appreciate it or want such attention or affection.~

Is it pathetic that the only people I could consider an optional acquaintance/friend is a barista that I occasionally visit the cafe from time to time to draw and share drawings with?~

I am not even sure if we are friends probably not since we dont meet up outside of cafe or when she's not working. We don't text or hangout ot gossip. I just listen to what she talks about with the other baristas offer compliments on her attire and encouragement. She in return kindly appreciates my drawings. Regardless I appreciate the kindness and often think of dropping off cookies or other things like that would like to think she and her coworkers would appreciate. I don't though because I don't want to be weird if it'd be unappreciated or unwanted etc. ~

Maybe not this month but some month I feel like I may just permanently end my cell service contract as why have it when if necessary there are other methods of contact such as email that require no public speaking.

I read this novel a fanfiction on NCIS with dinozzo as lead for romantic interest and the fictional character Ellie created to be the female love interest. Ellie is shy and due to trama while she can physically talk she signs to talk. I feel like that I would do that too if I knew sign language but I am not very academically smart so learning sign language would be difficult.~

I suppose the point is I'd rather have to be accepted for me choosing not to speak rather then it being viewed as weird. If taking orders from written notes in public cafes was considered semi normal that would be nice~

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Beautiful~

𝓓𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶𝓼 𝓸𝓯 𝓗𝓪𝓷𝓷𝓪𝓱 2

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

I forgot how sore muscles can get when doing workouts that haven't done in awhile, my calves are all achy but dressed cute today~

Kinda pop princess aesthetic, didn't realize it at first cause changed outfits a few times. This is totally comfy casual but pop pretty aesthetic too. I am considering posting pictures cause it's just so aesthetic perfection~

Sparky silver tennis shoes, thigh high, over knee striped socks, (white, bright blue and a softer shade of bright pink), polar bear ears and face at top of sock then fleece cream white skirt with pink stripe trim bottom bottom of skirt, lace sewn sheer bloomers inside skirt that hide an adorable skimpy baby pink sheer thong with black bow print design. ~

Next for top a simple pink and white striped tank top with lace trim and buttons. A cream super soft cardigan, and for accessories... peach pink flower earrings with silver outline, a pink sparkly heart on silver chain necklace and two velvet dusty pink hair ties done in high pigtails~

I find it ironic how people say to enjoy the weather when it's all sunny and summery aesthetic out. Like yes majority enjoy summer as favorite season or weather but if someone enjoys autumn, rainy days or snowy winter days then wishing them a day enjoying the weather when it's not their favorite is kinda amusing~

I'll be enjoying the rain while others groan about it and maybe I'll visit cafe or maybe I'll just stay in and be aesthetically cute~

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

I completeled workouts and I was thinking you know it's a shame that stress doesn't burn calories. Ideally having stress burn 250 calories seems reasonable and would certainly be nice. Although realistically in general from observations of how it impacts majority it seems stress often impacts negatively, whether it's lack of sleep, overeating or just causing breakouts etc. ~

I will say while I may not feel completely beautiful I am happy with my weight today. When I am in the range, and yes range because it will fluctuate some which is aggravating at times but just seems to be normal or part of life that one must accept.

Anyways when I am 89-91 I feel better about my weight then if I were more than that. I feel I've been pretty good about staying certain numbers in that range consistently although it's still a work in progress. It's a shame I lack claws by that I mean sharp or long nails given my habit to bite my nails. ~

I suppose it may seem odd but I can't draw at home, just can't seem to relax enough or get into the right headspace for it but at cafes with good coffee or the aroma of it accompanied with some nice music I can draw and usually fairly well however there are times when I find I can't draw well, that nothing I draw turns out as I'd like it too or that I just can't focus well which inevitably leads to my being annoyed and frustrated at myself as I feel I've wasted my time when made the decision to go to cafe for purpose of drawing. ~

I prefer visiting cafes in the mornings or afternoons as I don't like being out later since that's when most people are out is in the afternoon to evening hours as far as for leisure activities.

That being said I do enjoy the occasion evening at cafes, especially when it's quiet there is a certain magic to the pale blue sky with glow from a moon high in sky and the coolness of night air. I suppose I feel some aesthetic familiarity to what it must have been like to be an artist in a bygone era where they worked by candlelight in evening hours creating beautiful masterpieces that would be appreciated later on. ~

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

It's been awhile, it's so hard to write when you feel like nothing matters. I know who wants to hear that lol~

Let's see I need to work on my diet more and I've been keeping consistent with current workout routines and sets which is something I suppose~

Did you know rice cakes with a dash of sea salt are soooooo good and I might add only 20calories per 1 rice cake~

I haven't gotten my hair cut short yet though it'll probably happen eventually as I tire of the lengthy hair combing daily process~

I find myself thinking more and more that it's just better to stay in then interact socially with others. It was rainy so they should have made the day wonderful but bad hair day combined with feeling unattractive just made it blah~

I got my favorite hot cocoa but almost tripped going down the stairs as flat slipped off, if that wasn't bad enough it was embarrassing as stranger was waiting for me to go by so witnessed it then had to wait extra cause narrow stair case~

Like here, want to experience cliff hiking just try your incredibly narrow steep stair case while hopefully avoiding an accidental death due to tripping~

I was thinking maybe part of why don't like hair aside from the issues that come from my hair is that I don't like my face either~

I took a quiz or assessment type thing that's supposed to predict how long you'll live too based on the questions they ask, apparently even though I don't drink or smoke, my life expectancy is shorter compared to my pears nevermind the fact that I workout on a regular basis and do try to eat healthy~

It estimated that I have 75% chance of living til I am 74 and at most I'd live to 82. Like what a wake up call....~

I always kinda thought I'd live to my late 80s maybe 90s~

Also apparently it's quite expensive for cremation although it is slightly cheaper then burial costs~

Of course, few know exactly when they will die and it could be inaccurate but it just got me thinking that I feel like I don't have a lot of time~

Kinda ridiculous considering it's not like I am in my 60s or 70s etc but whatever~

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

I kept telling myself if I got to less for weight than gained some by enjoying something I like that it would be okay as long as was certain numbers on the scale, because as long as I wasn't fat in sense of obesity it's okay. The reality is so far though, I don't like how physically feel when I gain weight, I can tell and see the differences. ~

So that's not to say I won't enjoy some carbs or sweet desserts now and then, cause you know I want too and will. Its just realizing the cost and if its truly worth it as well as implementing possible additional workouts.

I am not there yet but when I do reach my final weight goal, I'll likely celebrate and I don't know maybe I'll post some selfies here (tho body image issues and feelings of insecurity over flaws don't go away like pounds). ~

Italian is such a beautiful language, there are so many words that just sound better, more beautiful in Italian than say English, like my love, baby, kitten, beauty. Then the words that are just more fun like calling someone an idiot or stupid, just sounds better too in Italian, grandma/grandpa etc. ~

I watched a movie, it talked about how it was every Italian's dream to connect Silicy with the mainland by route of bridge. I don't know how accurate that actually is for majority of Italians opinions but I find the idea quite beautiful.

Just as in America, there are different states so varies the different regions in Italy, each beautiful in it's own way and each with it's own culture in sense of comparing city life/communities with rural communities/life.

Venice, is famous for so many artists, is it any wonder? Tuscany is beautiful as well, Sicily is it's own unique beauty. Not to mention all the smaller less known towns and areas. Each has itself history as well and I find it all so interesting. Perhaps it's in part to loving or admiring Italian artists, of course appreciation for architecture and literature as well. ~

Juliet and Romeo is a famous example, I wouldn't say I am a huge fan of Shakespeare, though do appreciate his talents as write. But the romance although ending in tragedy is so beautiful. There are other examples of tragic love in various tales and countries, whether it be historical or fairytale/fictional ones. There's the Greek tale of Orpheus and Eurydice, or what of the love between families and platonic relationships?

Such as Anastasia, unfortunately such myths of her surviving the tragedy that befell her family were just myths, illusions as she never escaped and did perish along with the rest of her siblings etc. ~

What is it about love that is so beautiful yet ends so bitterly that we can't help but find beauty in such darkness? The titanic with loss of so many lives, and why was it Jack was left to perish as he did his best to save the one he loved? ~

Is death that much to be shown as example of resolution of love? I think it harder to choose to live on after having someone you so dearly cherish die. It's in grief and loneliness that you may think death a comfort, to ease your mind, the pain, the sadness and all the stress or worries. But tell me love, what happens when you die? ~

So many questions and various thoughts as to what afterlife may be if anything at all are there and the world has yet to give a 100% answer that is the same.

I can tell you in certain the person you are today, all the things that make you the unique version you are stop existing when you die. We know what happens to our bodies when we physically die and as to souls, I won't list my personal beliefs but there are plenty of theories out there. ~

When you die, so do everything about you, to have loved that person so much you think death may reunite you. Let me remind you that is in the memories they live on and in your heart so if you die the part that remembers them ceases to exist as well. ~

There some cases where death with the being in the arms of your lover I think would be a great comfort such as in natural disasters like Pompeii, or in a war, where death is imminent and there is no escape so that in your final moments you could be with the one you love. ~

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

dear diary,

Completed workouts and I find I am frustrated at my progress. I have to remind myself that things take time, the effort will pay off but can't expect overnight results especially when it comes to weight loss and keeping weight off. ~

I just want it to happen faster or think it shouldn't take so long and get annoyed at my weight. I feel like I am so fat today regardless of whatever others may think.

I need to be better at sticking to meal plans than what I have been lately or maybe I'll do a cleanse since that should help some too.

Sometimes I wish I were a natural beauty the kind that looks effortless pretty without makeup or cute clothes. I wonder if I invested in a corset if it would really help slim my waist. ~

I know beauty fades but I just want to be pretty. I don't like it when people tell me I am so mature or wise for my age. I know it's supposed to be a compliment but it feels more like a burden and as if to say I am not youthful. ~

I don't think people realize this maturity you so seem to see from me is because of various factors none which I am particularly fond of at the moment. Do you not see the fact that it is tiring to deal with overthinking matters, to think so much on various things to seemingly be the voice that always offers advice to those troubled, to always be the responsible person.

That's not to say I wish to be cold hearted although I sometimes wonder if I'd have less stress if I were. Nor is to say I wouldn't help someone if I could but even those who listen need comfort at times too. I want to be carefree and irresponsible too... it's just I lack the luxury of being irresponsible due to not thinking things through. When you observe how reckless and irresponsible behavior is often more of a negative than any possible positive how can I allow myself to do such foolish things? ~

It is not always so grand, to think of how life is and tell me how do you plan for a future when the future is unknown? When wars seem always to be present when every year could the the year earth ceases to exist be it natural catastrophe, supernova sun/outerspace disaster, man made creations that cause mass casualties, nuclear war etc.

I wish things were less complicated, why have a university system in place instead of trade? Like teach me what you know, let me work alongside you and learn the trade from you for xx amount of years at which point I'd be considered competent in trade like it used to be historically with apprentices etc. ~