#fine don't come to my state
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mickey darling sell cds level impossible
#fine don't come to my state#but let me own your music please eeeèèeeeegebelljhg#you have an albummmmmmm#mickey darling#mickey darling merch#let's dance until we get scared
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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i will always shout praises of bi4bi but given recent discourse I feel the need to say that I love bi4het too! I just love bisexuality in general in its many forms, and anyone who only likes it when it's 'queer enough' for them is biphobic. Bisexuals should be able to bring their LaMe CiShEt BoYfRiEnD to pride without being made to feel like spectators and outsiders to their own event.
#3 am queer discourse take <3#anyways hot take number two. cishets do belong at pride. everyone who wants to celebrate queerness should be welcomed at pride#if a completely cishet business major fratboy wants to come to pride and vibe with us then he should be welcomed!#not even like. oh he has a queer sibling. no. if he's just a cishet dude who wants to spend his saturday at a parade then hell yeah#like completely ignoring that you have no way to tell he's definitively those things. it shouldn't matter regardless imo#pride is not a secretive club you need to be let into. it's a feeling and a celebration and a statement and a state of being#and whatever you want it to be#burying my other related hot take under the tags readmore ksdjksdjksdj#idk. i'm just tired of a lot of the things people seem to think about bisexuality's validity relating to bi women specifically#this is frustration with the gatekeepy and straight-passing discourse of it all#I'm tired of people being expected to act and to preform and to BE queer enough for others' opinions.#am I still welcome if I haven't been with a woman in a few years? if I dress boring? if I like m/f? if I don't listen to chappell roan?#joking on that last one but like. idk. never straight enough for the straights but never gay enough for the gays#constantly some mercurial in-between that offers no comfortable easy group to put us in.#what do i have to do to not be judged as a filthy hettie? are my doc martens enough for you yet?#like oh sorry let me cuff my jeans and have a bob and wear a button up over a cami and wear etsy earrings. am I visually bi enough yet?#let me apologize for the cardinal sin of liking men too. let me wash my hands of any time a cishet man has held them.#if it was a bisexual man then just hand sanitizer is fine right? where do you draw the line on my queerness?#let me preform for you in a way that makes me queer enough.#anyways. sarcasm aside. I think I've made my distaste for this whole affair evident#if you don't want cishets at pride then what happens to those you incorrectly deem as cishet? do I need to prove myself to you?#am I passing as straight? am I passing as gay? am I enough for onlookers?#is it not enough to just show up at pride and celebrate? anyone and everyone who wants to?
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In the event that the rumors of cheating aren't enough, and things are really going to be like this, consider this a warning. The censorship that may unfold because of this has prompted me to attempt to figure out to download a blog and... leave. I don't plan on leaving right away, but in the event that I have to just know that I loved you. The mutuals I talked to every day, the mutuals I saw only once a year, the ones I shared fandoms with, and the ones I didn't. I loved all of you. In the event that I'm forced to flee this hellsite of a home and I never see you again, know that I loved you. Know that I will think of you. Know that your life has made a positive impact on me. I wouldn't be the person I am now without this place and without you. Know that I'll miss you. I will never forget you. In the event that this blog becomes inactive, promise me you won't miss me because I'm gone, but because of all the happy memories we created. I'm not going to leave this site right now, but don't be surprised if I do. If I leave it is an act of self preservation. In the event this is goodbye, I truly hope we somehow meet again.
-Bluey
#im so tired#im so sorry#i thought we had this#i thought this would be fine#but apparently we were wrong#to all those who now fear for their lives#i love you#i wish it didn't have to be this way#if we fall into a 1984 like hyper surveillance state#know that I am with you#know that if I die it's because of them#because for once in my fucking life i choose to live#i choose to believe that there is good#and even though im not in a place where I can right now#know that when the time comes i WILL fight with you#because you're worth it to me#promise that I'll see you once this is over#life can be beautiful if you choose to live it#and don't blame you if you choose not to#years ago I was the same#your death will be a symbol of his ineptitude to me#it will not be in vein#in the event this is goodbye#until we meet again#abluehappyface
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me finding out my friend likes mdzs and tgcf and it goes like this
me: "oh wow! i like these series too!"
friend: "yea, my faves are wwx and xl. i just don't care for hua cheng or lan zhan."
me who likes lan zhan a lot: "oh...i got some news for you..."
#ari rambles#mdzs#tgcf#to their defense they were like “if you like them then it's fine!! dw”#no they haven't gotten into svsss#a friend and i are trying to convince them#they dont talk much on mxtx series so this stunned me to find out they like it#please don't come after my friend he just states his opinion lmao#lan zhan#wei wuxian#wwx#lz#xie lian#xl#hua cheng#manhua lan zhan my love
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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one of the pitfalls for me of writing in first person present tense (beloved!) is that I forget that I can just timeskip
#ughh how do I bring her from here to there?#<<just drop her in a new scene bestie. it's okay it's fine#that sweet sweet immediacy does come with the tradeoff#that it's harder to make summary feel natural#but that doesn't mean it can't be done! just not my instinct#third person past tense is smoother for this but incorporates the character's thoughts and emotional states less naturally imo#but we all do it anyway and it works so like. no reason I can't have perfectly fine summary in present tense. it's literally fine#anyway switching between the two wips does have me thinking about tense and pov like never before#someday I might end up doing something in first person past tense and have whole new problems and epiphanies#don't think I've done that yet.#third person present tense I've done and it's perfect for some things#but has the tendancy to make it feel like the characters are zombies (can be a good or bad flavor depending)#<<I mean like dissociative vibes yk??
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Hello friends! Just a quick kh4f programming note: I'll be out of commission for most of, if not all of today, as I'm having a minor medical procedure done. (Outpatient, everything's fine, dw! 🫶🏻) So if anything notable happens (fully expecting Ash to announce ai2 the second I'm sedated 😌) and I'm MIA... that's why lol. Try not to have too much fun without me! 😘💙
#i overslept the day Superbloom was announced so it would only be right for Ashton to announce his next album while I'm anesthetized 😂#i almost hope he does that'd be so perfect lmao#what other chaos might happen#if he randomly goes live - someone record it for me#if he randomly announces a concert and tickets go on sale in 5 minutes - someone buy me a ticket#if he finally reveals the back tattoo i've been begging for for the past 5 years -#someone call my doctor and ask her to put me under for longer bc I'm not ready for that#do u like how this entire scenario only involves Ashton content#if one of his friends posts something that'll be a fun treat for me to wake up to 😌#but if it's Luke being slutty someone warn me bc I might want to stay on hospital property to consume that in my weakened state#fr tho i'm fine don't worry i'm just having some testing done no big deal#well a big deal to me bc i have ✨trauma✨ from this particular test when i had it done in the past 😜#but we're being Brave and doing it anyways ✌🏻#and then if i feel better later i can come online afterwards and say anything i want and blame it on the dr*gs so really it's all a win 🤡#ok that's enough silliness love u ttyl 💙💙#personal
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man i was already missing college like crazy bc im texting the bestie right now and im like fuck i need to be in her arms immediately like i fucking miss my girl!! and then i had a conversation with my mother and sister about their current anxieties many of which are relating to new family life updates i didn't know about until an hour ago and now i'm like damn y'all really need to take me back to college now huh
#like wdym my dad is moving to a different state and wdym my brother and his dog are coming to our house tomorrow#what they don't tell you about having a sister is that you won't get any emotional transferrance from anyone except your sister#in which case you have anxiety dreams about something making her anxious. which is not a good plan when she has severe anxiety#so like i've got a LOT of shit i'm empath worried about hwich is so fucking stupid. sigh. compassion i guess#it's ok i can just lock myself in my room tmrw and read so i can avoid the brother situation i'm sure that's fine. good day to listen to-#new music!! :] and also i got a book to read and i can see abt calling my friend. I've got a plan#I don't know if anyone else has a plan 🙏but they are objectively dealing with most of this so they're justified 4 that
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they rejected my application :(
#i mean i knew that they were going to. i literally do not have the degree they want#but sometimes it feels as if people in this field don't take me seriously because im young lol#like they assume that my experience just Does Not Apply because im not in my 40s#its fine. i never told anyone irl i applied for the job so i don't have to worry about that (ty past me) (i almost said it like 10 times)#when the time comes for me to REALLY start job hunting ill start taking rejections more personally but this was a good experience i think#them giving me a rejection at all and not just ghosting me was actually a huge relief tbh#am i supposed to respond to the rejection email? i guess i will?#dont burn your bridges etc#it feels a little weird saying ty for the opportunity when they didn't even interview me#but this whole corporate bullshit is just empty tradition at this point so whatever#anyway the GOOD news is that my really big name reference told my current boss (as a joke but still) that he wanted to steal me from her#he works for the state which would be an INCREDIBLE opportunity if he was in any way serious#so when the time comes ill be casually mentioning to him that im job hunting and we'll see where it goes#literally every conference ive been to people know his name and ask where he is so im hoping he will have enough pull to let a fresh grad in#two different people (both also rather big names in the field) have told me that he thinks really highly of me#and while working with him was a little bit like pulling teeth i don't really have the option to be choosy rn lol#anyways. im disappointed but not surprised#it was a remote position too :( oh well
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I realized today that I'm going to be going through an IVF cycle during pretty much exactly the same days that my mom is going to be on the other side of the world and even though she wasn't going to be here here anyway I am a little freaked out.
#it'll be fine#I did an egg retrieval 2 years ago so I know what to expect#and I've given myself LOTS of shots now so I don't need her to like talk me down or anything#but like...I wanna be able to call my mommy#also the last time my mom went on a vacation to the other side of the globe the whole world shut down so...#hopefully that doesn't happen again#would prefer to not have to make any more 'the state department says americans abroad need to come home NOW' phone calls in my life.#one was enough#(my estimated retrieval date is election day btw)#(and yet they told me to minimize stress??)#(how???)
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most of my AO3 comments are really amazing but every now and then i'll get one that is just wildly entitled
like someone just wrote a comment on ch38 that's like "please have them get together soon i don't want to wait. also [x] needs more character development." ??? bitch i'm not a menu why are you out here trying to order
#i wrote like 3 different replies and then deleted them all bc i realized theres no point#like if they dont reply then what's the point and if they DO reply then it's not like they'll spontaneously change their ways#it's best to just let them be mad#like if they end up liking what happens then it solves itself and if they don't then that's karma#but it's like. unless otherwise stated. writers are not DJs and we don't take requests#i've gotten a few of those — kind of weird entitled asks that are like “could you write [this specific premise]?” and it's like#uhhh#that's not... really... a service that i offer...#i don't... remember... offering to do that....#my tinfoil hat theory is these people come from the Reader X fanfic communities where you just ask writers to do something#and they'll do a little ficlet for you#and they don't realize that most traditional fic spaces are not tailored in that way#for their personal enjoyment#like sometimes someone will ask me “would you want to write X?” and that's totally fine!! and flattering and fun!#but that's a very different question from “please do this enormously labor intensive activity for my personal enjoyment thank you.”#oh and that one AO3 comment? TEN CHAPTERS AWAY FROM THE END OF THE FIC#HADN'T EVEN FINISHED IT and was already tryna stick their finger in the pot. lmao. bruh.#fandom takes all kinds for real.
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Love my job but holy shit I am fucking tired. I have been juggling so many customers and contractors today. The idea of clocking back in after my lunch is over makes me want to transform into a scallop and flee into the ocean
#personal#I love working this job because i LOVE niche knowledge and my state's building codes def count#but fuuuuck dude it's a lot! You've gotta take so much into account!#SO MUCH#Like holy fuck#and people ALWAYS try to side step them and I'm like you can't do that. ur permit won't pass.#it has to be impact/meet egress/etc.#and they're like ~no it'll be fine i don't need a permit~#fucking fools. come crawling back on ur hands and knees to me when you can't sell the home and need to try and backdate a permit#see how well it goes#spoiler alert: IT NEVER GOES WELL. EVER.#I HAVE LITTLE SYMPATHY FOR THE PLIGHTS OF THE IRRESPONSIBLE AND INCONSIDERATE.#Screaming
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acephobic people are actually so wild to me. like why??? do you care?? if a stranger wants to have sex or not?? it's ridiculous
#just leave people be#nobody is obligated to have sex#and it's entirely reasonable to have no desire to partake in it#sex isn't what makes us human#it's completely fine to enjoy it#and to find value in having it#but you have no right to judge others if they don't share those feelings#we're all the same species#we're all people#and someone's identity shouldn't negate the basic respect that should come with talking to a fellow human being#it's as impossible to 'stop' asexuality as it is to force someone to enjoy a food they dislike#everyone is different but we're all fundamentally people#and should treat each other as such#sorry for the rant#one of my mutuals reblogged lots of ace-positive stuff#and so many of the acephobic replies in them were just#so infuriating#we all have the right to an opinion#and we all have the right to be treated with respect#so before you state one of yours that is abjectly hateful towards anyone#stop for a moment#and think about why the heck you'd want to share that with them#there's enough hatred in this world already#we should be supporting people#not putting them down#asexual#i'm not ace myself#but plenty of people close to me are#the rest of my tags got cut off <//3#too many opinions <///3
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you either die a hero (deactivate) or live long enough to see yourself become the villain (me watching the k-tumblrina kids fighting and laughing maniacally on top of a tall building)
#tp#.... back in MY TIME ‼️#enhablr was drier than the desert no fics existed yet ppl were still pissed at the rankings g-t era was just about to end#the ppl were STARVING. enhablr rode off the back of nctblr#ahahahah i always have so much fun acting like an ancient tumblrina 😞😞#watched this castle rise from the GROUND up#brick by brick#being here at 15 y/o messed with my brain pls save yourselves#seeing 13 y/os with a whole layout makes me tremble in fear FOR them#please please please dont engage with others on this site if you're that young i beg you#im so serious guys#hide and run for your life until you're conscious enough as a human being to roam the dark webs (this hellsite i mean fhfhf)#ik my rules state that you can interact with me but pls don't interact with anyone#for your own sake#i dont mind it but i will sure as heck be biting my nails in anxiety FOR you and hoping you'll only meet the good kinds of people#also pls dont come into my private messages if you're under like 16-17#asks and just casual interactions are TOOOTALLY fine and we can totally talk through private asks#as in i reply to your asks in private but#messages are a bit iffy it just feels weird for me
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Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
#I am so fucking tired of my parents#if I don't find a full time job soon (which i haven't been able to find for the past six months)#it's possible that my dad will be given the opportunity to live in our house by the state#apparently it can be done in around ten days once it's decided#can i trust my mother with these kinds of informations? absolutely not. but there is a 50/50 chances that it's true#i have saved as much as i could all my life in preparation of this moment and i do have enough money to move but it takes time#every other week my mother comes home with similar kinds of insane informations for me to process#one week she reassures me everything is fine and i have like a couple of years before leaving this house#the week after. this.#i have no idea of what's real or not#i am so stressed that last week i lost the ability to finction for three days straight#i am going insane#and i am in no condition to find jobs i've applied to very little positions in this timeframe also because of this stress that paralyzes me#i am not depressed but god i am indeed exausted#i also have surgery planned (do not know the date yet it's not a difficult one but i never had one and i am scared shitless)#and technically i am in a promising job selection but it's a public one so no one tells you nothing and it can take up to six months before#someone calls you back#so i am inside a limbo on every aspect of my life and it's unreal#i can't even see my psychologist because she's getting surgery next week so i'll see her the week after#i don't have the streight to write this new developement to friends#i think i'll just deadscroll for a while and then go to bed#i don't know. i'm so tired and at the same time not at all tired#i'm doing nothing with my days but i still need everything to stop#i don't know#stuff
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