#fermenting freaks me out but here we go!

[reformed-misfit]

Tepache.

If it doesn’t turn out tasty, I’ll get some pineapple vinegar out of the experiment!

[huewrite]

Don't have to tell me twice!

So full disclosure this WIP is in a contest on Tapas right now. I'll throw the link on the bottom. But allow me to introduce you to....

(Do you love the cover?? My husband drew it. It makes all the pretty pictures I have. We Stan my husband over here ok????)

So let's start with the blurb.

Enoki had a simple life of trying new foods, cooking, and showing what ze learned on hir blog. While trying a new dish, ze suddenly found out ze was deathly allergic to the main ingredient. Luckily for hir, the gods had a need for such a person. Gifting hir a new shapeshifting body, the gods set Enoki on a quest. Find the ingredients for and cook the dishes for the Godly Feast before time runs out. Succeed and gain blessings for the races whose dishes are well represented. Fail, and watch as everyone is destroyed.

That's right. Enoki is non binary and uses Neo pronouns. And I decided to do a few things with this story. First of all, I wanted food to stay the world because I love cooking. So I am also including recipes every 5 ish updates. I'll try to have it connect to food that was eaten or shown recently of course but, I mean. The Stardew Valley cookbook exists for a reason.

Next, Enoki is going to collect various people as ze goes along. Originally I was seeing this as a drama with food. But then someone pointed out I was writing a comedy.

Don't get me wrong I love comedies but like, I didn't think I could write them. So I'm pretty sure my brain tricked me. Because my logic was even "Oh I'll make it drama. Like Dragonball!"

....

Yes. I know it's comedy. My brain tricked me. It's good at that. Better than a panic attack at least!

Anyway, so Enoki is going to visit a total of 8 races. Each of them I'm trying to put my own twist on them. So the Elves are good with booze and known for being party animals. They also have glamor because they are elrich horrors. Well... part horrors. The orcs are blue with red speckles and red hands that looks like blood. So they are not as violent as people think, tho how they hunt animals and such freaks people out. Gnomes have mushrooms attached to their heads. Goblins are responsible for fermented, pickled, and preserved foods because they live in tunnels that stay nice and cool.

And there are no Shapeshifters. So Enoki is kinda a freak of nature as ze runs around trying to get peoples holy and cursed items to make food from. Why do the gods want this? They have reasons!

I also am having fun actually addressing things that get ignored in isekais. Like the person never seems to miss home. Or get home sick.

Guess what? Enoki misses home. But also doesn't want people to die out.

So, if you are interested in checking it out, come over to tapas and look through. Maybe sub and like? It'd make my day anyway.

See ya around!

writers, listen up...

i've fallen out of touch with the writeblr community a lot in the past few years, and i want to rectify that. the community aspect was what made me fall in love with tumblr, and what improved my writing for the better.

the golden days of my writing were when i was highly active and engaged in this wonderful community, but life and work and the horrors of self publishing have overtaken my energy in the past year. however, i have been really struggling with original writing, and i want to get back into the community here.

that said...

you write fantasy with queer characters

are an indie author

post frequently about your wips (taglists are a bonus!)

are queer

are a very active and friendly writer

if any of these apply

please, please reblog and tell me about your wip. gush over it. infodump. characters and ships and worldbuilding and plot, i want it all! this is your invitation to be as selfishly indulgent as possible. let's make some new friends and restore some community!!

boosts appreciated!

[ill-skillsgard]

i’m absolutely living for Faust and Faith!!! more soon pls 🥺

I had some free time and the urge to clean out some of the centuries-old asks fermenting in my inbox. So, I wrote this horny lil' scene for the Faust freaks out there. I hope you enjoy it! I'd love to hear your thoughts.

+

Warning: 18+ smut, mature language, anti-religious themes. Mostly just smut and a bit of butt-stuff in this one.

Summary: After Faust quits his band, Faith follows him through an unfamiliar city and they find a motel to stay the night.

- Not based on Lords of Chaos. I use Faust!Valter’s likeness only as inspiration.

Read more Faust x Faith here [x]

Faith followed Faust through the misty city limits. The dark man navigated the streets sure-footedly, boots planing through puddles that she skirted. She had no idea where they were or where they were heading, and the time to ask had long since passed. Faust had been fuming for the first hour of their trek, pulling beers from his pockets, draining them, smashing the bottles on the sidewalk and cursing up ahead while Faith hurried her legs to keep up. Finally, when they came to a glowing fast food joint on a dead quiet street, Faith latched onto his elbow and slowed him to a halt.

"What are we doing? Do you know where we are?"

Faust pointed at the golden arches. "Yeah, McDonald's."

"No, like, in general. Where are we going, Faust? It's getting really late."

"Getting food and finding the nearest motel," said Faust. He pulled cash out of his pocket and waved it at her face—the money he had taken from the band's merch box.

"A motel?" Faith gasped.

Faust looked her up and down with his severe green eyes and cocked a smirk as he pulled the glass door open. "Let me guess... The thought of motel sex gets you going?"

"Who doesn't want to bang in a sketchy motel?"

"Most people? Because it's kinda gross."

The smell of grease replaced the fog-thick air, and Faith sprang forward to gawk at the jungle gym enclosed in the center of the restaurant. It was closed to the public overnight, but that didn't stop Faith from envisioning launching into the ball pit and crawling through the plastic tunnels like a human hamster.

They ordered food to go and set off to find the nearest motel, where Faust spent most of his cash to obtain a keycard good for one night in room 124 of the Neptune Inn. The clerk was used to such haphazard transactions and accepted the bills without a fuss. With minimal cars in the lot and the plaza's pallid look of disrepair, the motel seemed the right place for an evening of carelessness. There was nobody to witness how they lived together, squirting ketchup packets onto burger wrappers and wiping sauce from their lips with wads of brown napkins. After stuffing their mouths full of fries and discussing a game plan for the following day that tanked, Faith cleared away their mess and turned on the antiquated stereo. One of her favourite songs came through the static, and she gasped to hear the familiar lyrics crackling over the speakers.

Faust watched her bop her hips from side to side, the hem of her skirt blooming around her as she mouthed the words at him.

"Sorry, I know it's not your style, but I just love Fleetwood Mac."

He watched her close her eyes and feel the music filling the room. If it had been anyone else singing along to radio classics, he'd have stomped over to the stereo and made sure it never worked again. But it was Faith, and every time she swayed or twirled, her skirt would lift, and he glimpsed her panties.

The beers urged him to mutter about the fallout with his band, just as his aching muscles begged for slumber. On any other night, he would have fallen asleep with thoughts of fire and the phantom scent of gasoline stinging his nose. Those memories were surpassed by the woman in the room with him. Faith eclipsed his anger with her lively performance, and he reached his hand out toward her until she came.

Faust was hard already, and painfully so as she climbed over his lap and kissed him. Nestled between their groins, his erection pulsed, each beat dulling him to everything but her body pressed against his. Faust made her turn around to straddle him, stretched his arm to grab the television remote and instructed her to put something on. Faith cycled the channels, confused by the position, while he guided her onto her stomach so she laid between his legs, her pelvis propped on his, ass in the air. He pulled back her skirt and went watery in the mouth when he saw the scant material shielding her holes from view.

"What am I supposed to put on?" She asked.

"Don't care."

The people on the screen proved no distraction to Faust as his eyes traversed the seams of her underwear. The cotton stuck to her, smelled like her, and contained the slit he so badly wanted to slip inside. He had to wait. If he took her too soon, the night would be over, and he had many thoughts and more to chase away.

Faith twisted around to watch as he stroked the pad of his thumb over her clothed crotch. He shook his head and motioned for her to face the TV where reruns of Seinfeld played. Faith didn't care for the programming. The men on the screen detracted from the sensation Faust inflicted between her legs. She scooped her hips and dragged herself over the bulge in his jeans. ignoring the sitcom. Faust fluttered his lashes and let her do it a few more times until he stopped her with a large hand on her back.

"I want your pussy very wet for me," said Faust.

Faith giggled and arched her spine until his fingers met the moist cotton once more. He rubbed her through the fabric, delighting at the sight of it stretching and revealing the outline of her cunt.

She flicked through a few more channels until a flash of skin caught her eye. There was an entire naked torso on the screen, complete with bouncing breasts and torn fishnet. Faith's blood ran hot as the camera panned higher and showed a man gripping a woman's neck, his slackened face hanging over her shoulder while his other hand squeezed her nipples. The radio DJ's voice combined with the woman's moaning created a chaotic din in which Faust's soft breaths faded.

Satisfied with her choice of TV channel, she tossed the remote aside and relaxed into the mattress to enjoy more of Faust's teasing fingers.

"Oh, that's what I fucking like," he murmured. Faust plucked the elastic seam of her panties, tucked into the stitching with his fingers and shredded a hole large enough for him to work through. She gasped at the sound and briefly lamented her only pair of underwear before Faust whisked her worries away with curious digits prodding at warm, sensitive spots.

"Mm, oh fuck. Look at that," Faust spoke as if presenting her to someone behind him. "Beautiful little holes all for me."

Faust stretched open the hole in her undergarments and spanked her hard enough she whimpered. He smothered the sting with his palm, rubbing her ass cheek where he'd laid a hot imprint of his four fingers. Soon, his thumb travelled elsewhere, and her thighs attempted to close.

Faust chuckled. "Keep those legs open. Yeah, stay just like that while I play with you. Rub that little asshole."

The whole bed rocked as he lifted her hips and bent his knees to prop her up closer to his face. He spread her open and ran his tongue from hole to hole, moaning on the slow journey to make sure she felt what was coming. Faith wondered what he tasted; if he meant to slide his tongue between her cheeks so directly. The feeling was curious, yet not without pleasure. Her nerves didn't sing like they did when he directed his attention to her clit, but the sounds of him humming sounded better than the sex on TV.

The scene playing on the wall opposite the queen-sized bed changed. The woman had bent over the sofa's arm, her partner squatting behind with teeth clamping the meat of her thighs and bottom. Faust buried his face as far as he could, and when that wasn't enough, squeezed her cheeks together like he meant to suffocate himself.

Faust switched her around, so she was no longer laying with her head at the foot of the bed. They were side by side while he worked his jeans off and yanked her top up over her breasts.

"I need to fuck you. I need inside that pussy right now," Faust growled. "You ready? Can you take it all for me, baby? Every fucking inch?"

No amount of practice prepared Faith for the first minute of Faust entering her. From behind, his member pressed all the right spots, slid over her G-spot and languished in the plush heat while he anchored her leg up. In this prime position that allowed Faust to see everything, he gave her a few breaths to get used to the stretch. Faith was already whimpering, and each sound of desperation pinched his heart.

"I'm sorry it's so big," he whispered. "I hate making you hurt."

"It feels good," she assured.

"Oh, don't I know it," Faust replied.

"And you don't have to say sorry. I love that big, uncut cock. Love it when you ruin me."

The radio went to fuzz, and the porno cut to a commercial for whitening toothpaste. Faust slipped out and went to turn off the electronics. The night went quiet again until his weight bore down on the tired mattress springs, and he nestled back into the warmth he had briefly lost. Faust brought his lips to her ear, one arm under her leg and the other threading between her neck and the pillow so he could clutch one breast. He wasted no time picking up where he had left off and let out another moan that tickled Faith's spine.

"I love you, baby. Fuck... I never wanna be away from you that long ever again."

Faith ignored the mass pumping inside of her. After Faust quit his band and left them outside of the venue, she had wondered what his aspirations for the future were. Could it be that he had had enough touring and figured he rather stay with her than travel in a cramped bus, arguing with his bandmates and living like a slob? It seemed too ideal to hold water. Music was his life, and she was only the close second. But as he moved against her and nuzzled his face into her hair, her hope for them grew.

Maybe in the morning, they could discuss the future. For now, Faith treasured every whispered declaration of his love, beer-scented as these oaths were, and let Faust lose himself in something born of pure desire.

[shift-shaping]

Top 5 birds

this is an extremely difficult question i hope you know this

First, let's define what a bird is. This probably seems like a pretty easy question, but ask any paleontologist and you'll get like four different answers. From the same person.

Because phylogenetically, it's extremely difficult to say, definitely, what makes a bird a bird. For a drunk, slightly-outdated explanation of why paleontologists don't know what birds are, check out the following video:

It's not my video to be clear, I just really like it for all the confusion it illustrates. One of my favorite ways to piss off my colleagues is to call Triceratops a bird, which nobody likes to hear because it's stupid as fuck, but if feathers make something a bird then, well...

ANYWAY. For the sake of this ask, I'm going to use Avialae as my cutoff for Bird because it sounds pretty and (probably) includes Archaeopteryx but not Dromaeosaurus. Unfortunately this does not include Microraptor, which is very sad because Microraptor is a good little friend. This does, however, probably include the Scansoriopterygids, the real-life wyverns that I wrote a post about here.

Above left: Archaeopteryx, from Nat Geo Kids. Above right: Dromaeosaurus, from Gabriel N.U.

So here are my birds below the cut:

5. Secretary bird (Sagittarius serpentarius)

First off, nice genus name, though I think she's a gemini. This is a gorgeous bird of prey from Subsaharan Africa that looks kind of like a vulture in flight but a bitch on the ground. They kick snakes to death because of course they do. They are the only member of their family, Sagittariidae, which is within Accipitriformes and therefore places them closer to hawks and eagles rather than falcons.

4. Hoatzin (Opisthocomus hoazin)

SKUNK BIRD SKUNK BIRD THESE GUYS ARE FART MONSTERS. They are the only living members of their entire order! Their babies still have claws on their wings! Hoatzin are herbivorous birds from the Amazon that like leaves and fruit and have a weird digestive system convergent on mammalian ruminants. Food ferments in their strange gut which gives them a bad stink and a bad taste. Despite being fairly large, poor fliers, they smell and taste so bad that people don't eat them. In addition, their preferred habitat (swampy marshlands rather than true rainforest) is disappearing slower than the rainforest proper, so these stinky idiots are IUCN Least Concern.

3. Turkey vulture (Cathartes aura)

If you live in the United States and see a fairly large black bird circling above you and trying its damnedest not to flap its wings, it's probably a turkey vulture. They are lazy and have few natural predators. These guys sometimes get a bad rap because their cousins, the black vultures, are not terribly well-behaved and will sometimes attack newborn cattle. Turkey vultures do not kill. They are too lazy. I love them because they refuse to expend effort, even on flying, and that's an entire mood. They're also pretty chill. I met one named Lurch at ZooMontana who was a bro that had been raised as a pet and thought he was a human. Other vultures perplexed him.

2. Confuciusornis

Above is a stunning specimen of Confuciusornis sanctus currently residing at the Natural History Museum of Vienna. It's actually a really common creature in the Early Cretaceous Yixian Formation in Northern China. It's small, about the size of a pigeon, and those double tail feathers are not present in every specimen --possibly indicating sexual dimorphism. There's debate over how good these little dudes were at flying, but the most recent evidence I could find suggests they could perform powered flight in short bursts.

There is a persistent myth that paleontologists cannot know what color an extinct animal was. We actually can discern color for particularly well-preserved specimens, though this is an emerging concept with lots of ongoing research. The presence of fossilized melanosomes (organelles visible under a microscope that carry color information for soft tissue) possibly indicates they were a rusty brown color, but other researchers think they may have been closer to gold and white.

Above left from DK Find Out

1. Black-billed magpie (Pica hudsonia)

I love these horrible bastards!!!!!! They're so trashy and loud!!!! They are easily one of my favorite animals ever, full stop. They are notorious for eating songbird eggs and chicks, but they actually don't do that terribly often. They prefer ~your garbage~ or, truthfully, nuts and seeds and lots and lots of bugs. Like crows and ravens, magpies (which are also Corvids) follow wolves and other predators to scavenge from their kills. Also like crows and ravens, magpies are highly intelligent. They were the first non-mammal to pass the mirror test, indicating that magpies can very likely recognize themselves in a mirror. Magpies hold funerals (or post-mortems...) for their dead and can be taught human speech.

They are stunningly beautiful animals, but Western culture refuses to understand them and chooses prejudice and ignorance over curiosity and compassion. Let me be clear: if you hate magpies (or really any animal; they're just doing their thing) I do not like you. That sounds harsh, but it is unfathomable to me that a person would actually hate an animal for living its life. They are not gentle, they are not sweet (usually, tw animal death in video: a baby magpie is rescued after its possible siblings were found shot), but they are vibrantly beautiful survivalists that have found a way to thrive among creatures that villainize them. You don't have to love or even like them, but every animal deserves respect. Magpies just deserve a little more. ;)

I can do Eir's favorite birds in another post with more detail, but Tumblr is trying to keep me from spreading the good news by enforcing an image limit so for now, a list of Eir's favorite birbs:

5. Red-tailed hawk. They're fairly large survivalists that live fucking everywhere in the US. She would definitely relate to their hardiness and determination. Also, they're the ones that make the hawk noise (at 0:31).

4. Little blue penguin. I maintain that if Thedas is in the Southern Hemisphere, it should have penguins. Eirwen is not always one to freak out over cute things, but her cold hard heart would absolutely melt for a little blue penguin.

3. These fucking things. Just because they're hilarious.

2. Pigeons. In some life or another, she is a crazy pigeon lady. There's a fun AU! She would love having so many small, chubby, cooing friends to feed and care for. I could see her devoting her retirement to a flock of stupid round bird children because that's just who she is.

1. Carrion crow. Because of course.

[m-aster-of-spinjitzu]

orange and gold

...I just need more Cole and Vania content, they seem like they'd be great friends.

Basically it's just 'Cole goes to visit her there, they almost burn down the kitchen, and make way too many puns', lol.

Set a few months after Master of the Mountain, but before Seabound or The Island.

Also yeah, I couldn't think of a better title, sue me- I just know that they wear one of the colours at some point, so... 🤦‍♀️😂

Trigger warnings: none I think? Huh-

Also, bingo!! I really need to learn better time management, dear freaking gosh- I hope I'm not too late though? I know it's like half a day late, eek- and I was supposed to post this earlier, but I ended up literally falling asleep while writing it😂

Thank you so much Fabro, for hosting such a cool event!:D Your comments on my fics literally never fail to make my day<3. And I'm so glad that I met so many awesome, really skilled people through this event too - it's been a lot of fun working alongside y'all:D, I wish I'd had more time to interact instead of posting stuff and vanishing lol, but exams be like:////

Prompt: cooking (does baking count as cooking? I realized too late lol-) from @ninjago-bingo 's warm board.

Word Count: 2497

---

Trying to escape from killer dire-bats hadn't been on Cole's to do list today - although the mountains were kind of beautiful.

It was a bit difficult to see them while he was being dragged to his death, but hey, didn't Jay always tell them to be more positive?

That was, until he made the mistake of looking down.

Miles of snowcapped mountains touched the pastel blue sky, but he was more focused on exactly how high he was from the ground.

Great.

Trying to swing back onto the Bounty, he didn't notice a golden-winged blur shoot past the bat, almost dropping their spear in haste.

"Let my friend go, or I'll-"

"Vania?"

She throws the spear at the bird, successfully knocking one of its wings.

Huh. She must've been practicing - throwing with accuracy while flying seemed kinda difficult.

"I'm so sorry!" she replies, grabbing his arm before he fell down too. She winces at the strain on her wings, almost dropping him onto the deck. "I was supposed to come earlier, but there was an issue with one of the mines, and it took forever to-"

"There ain't anything in this world that's managed to kill me yet," he replies jokingly, checking that the autopilot hadn't been damaged. "I doubt an angry bird is going to be the first."

"Didn't you mention that you became a ghost once? Pretty sure that means you were dead-"

"Shh, that's not an important detail," he jokes.

"If you say so," she replies with a grin. "Did I mention that Chompy's been tearing down the palace flower arrangements again?"

"Send my regards to the gardener-"

"Did you just make a pun?"

"Remind me why I decided to visit you again?"

"Because you love me?" she asks stepping onto the ground as the Bounty landed gently.

"I hereby crown you as my platonic soulmate," Cole deadpans, taking her hand. "Vania and Cole-"

"Destined to annoy each other for eternity," she giggles, swinging their hands up and down. "But seriously - thanks. I don't think I realized how much work being a queen was."

"What's it like?"

"I mean - I'm glad that people trust me, and they come to me if they have a problem, but the paperwork is a nightmare. I never get to go outside anymore, I swear."

"Paperwork? Also, you just invited me here for a week. I don't wanna disturb you?"

"Nah, I cleared my schedule, don't worry. And trust me, you don't want to know. Everything requires some sort of official written thing, and it's so boring-"

"Official? But you're the queen?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't really want to change something unless it benefits the people. Not after..."

Her smile dims, eyes straying to the palace walls.

Oh- oh.

"You're nothing like him," Cole says firmly, squeezing her hand. "I mean, if you need to take a break, or you can make your job a bit easier by cutting out something unnecessary, that's just gonna help you become a better queen. You've definitely got the interests of your people at heart, and that's the most important thing, you know? And well, uh, everything seems to be going great so far - you don't have to beat yourself up over someone else's mistakes."

"Thanks," she replies softly, her smile slowly returning. "Speaking of breaks, what do you think we should do this time?"

"You could show me around the city again?"

"You've already seen everything cool," Vania giggles, skipping ahead of him. "We don't renovate much - unlike you guys-"

"Hey, it's not our fault that our city gets destroyed every few months-"

"More like every few days," she teases, tying back her golden hair. "How about we find some dragons to adopt?"

"Tempting, but where would you keep them?"

"They could sleep in my room-"

She breaks off when she notices him laughing. "What?"

"N- nothing," Cole replies, in between laughs. "Jay and I just made a bet."

"On what?"

"How many dragons you've adopted. I bet at least six, he bet fifteen."

"Well, jokes on both of you - I'm pretty sure my advisor's going to throw a fit if I show up with another one," she starts, giggling. "We've got twenty living in the palace right now."

"Twenty dragons?"

"They're so cute! You just look into their adorable little eyes," Vania pauses for breath, continuing her animated gesturing, "and you can't help but wanna hug them!"

"Oh, Jay's going to be so mad."

"Aww, I'm sorry guys. They're just too adorable!"

"...Wanna hear a funny story?"

"Yeah, sure!"

"I actually used to be terrified of dragons-"

"No way!" Vania exclaims. "Y'all have been on a lot of adventures though, so-"

"Nah, we used to have our own dragons at first. They were pretty cool! I just- I'm a simple guy! Huge animals with wings are scary up close when you're barely a teenager."

"Or when you're really short-"

"We're the same height!" Cole exclaims, facepalming in a bit of a fondly exasperated way.

"I'm two years younger than you-"

---

"Ugh, whose idea was this?"

"Yours," Vania grins, sitting down on the kitchen counter.

"You were supposed to help me, not leave me high and dry!" Cole accuses jokingly, staring at all the appliances they'd found in the cupboards.

"'One must always be prepared for new adventures,'" she quotes seamlessly, waving one of- what was his name again? Mulch something? Oh! Clutch! Some explorer he was, leaving them to die in the pyramid - Clutch Powers' books in the air.

"Fine," he sighs, staring at the old recipe book she'd found in one of their back cupboards. "But you've gotta help me? I almost burned down-" "Woah, what? If you finish that sentence with 'kitchen'-" "In my defense, Kai was playing a prank on me-" "In my defense, I wouldn't like to explain how the queen of Shintaro burnt down the palace by teaching one of her friends to cook," she grins, flipping through the pages. "What do you wanna start with?" "Something simple?" "Have you ever tried baking bread before? It's a lot of fun!" "I haven't really had the time, but that sounds kinda interesting."

He skims the recipe, raising his eyebrows. "Wait, why does this take hours? I thought you said it was simple?"

"Trust me, it is," she laughs, adding, "besides, I still wanna hear about all your adventures!" "Uh... okay," Cole replies hesitantly, "but if this fails, I'm so sorry." "Give yourself some credit, you guys literally saved the world! Multiple times!" "Bold of y'all to assume we know how we did it," he laughs, only half-kidding. "Besides. I botched soup once."

"I've botched toast," she mock-sighs, smiling. "Pretty sure that makes us even."

"Lemme get this straight. You've messed up toasting bread, but you can bake it from scratch?"

"Trust me, I don't know either," she giggles, trying to open a brightly coloured packet of... something? Did flour come in packets that small?

"Uh, why are you opening something called 'feast'?" he asks, eyebrows creased in confusion.

"Feast," she echoes, trying to stifle her laughter. "Off to a... rocky start, aren't we?"

It took him a second.

"I already regret this," he jokes, facepalming. "But I'd say that your puns are, uh, gold."

"I've un- unleashed-" breaking off, she half-falls off the counter, laughing so hard her face starts to go red, "a monster."

---

"Uh, is it supposed to look like that?" Cole asks, frowning.

The mixture looked less like the dough he'd been expecting - more like one of Jay's inventions gone wrong.

Badly wrong, he thought, eyes widening at the goopy mess of foam that threatened to spill over the jug.

"The yeast?" Vania echoes, poking her head out of one of the cupboards. "Yeah, all good! It always looks a little gross, and you're gonna doubt ever eating bread again, but at least it doesn't taste like it's fermented-"

"It's what?"

"Yeah," she grimaces, exaggerating her disgust a bit. "If aliens ever fell from the sky, they'd think we were crazy for eating bread-"

"Aliens? I think we're a bit crazy!" Cole exclaims, trying not to laugh.

Vania smiles, then sighs, lugging a huge bag of flour onto the counter. "I can never open these bags properly," she starts, eyeing the the bag a bit warily, "and it always makes such a huge mess all over the kitchen. You'd think they'd make it easier for people to use, right? I swear-"

He jokingly puts his hands over his ears. "I can't hear you!" "But you know that I've sworn off swearing-" she replies, breaking off with a laugh. "Pun not intended - that actually made sense in my head. I swear!"

"No," Cole interjects with a grin, shaking his head. "You don't, remember?"

"See, this is why we're friends-"

"Friends? Is that all I am to you?"

"Oh, be quiet," she shoots back, exaggeratedly dragging a hand down her face. "I mean, sure, just because everyone thinks that we're dating doesn't mean that we-"

Wait. What?

"People think that we're dating?" he asks, clamping a hand over his mouth in a poor attempt to muffle his laughter. "I- I- really?"

"I know, right?"

"Even my friends thought so at first," he confesses, dragging a hand down his face. "I mean, as much as I love you-"

"I love you too," Vania replies, completely seriously. "Even if you'll always be more like an annoying-"

"Hey-"

"Sibling to me than anything else," she finishes, grabbing a pair of scissors. Cole watches, a little alarmed, as she stabs them into the flour bag over and over.

"Is it... supposed to be this difficult to just open the bag? Seems kinda stupid-"

"Well, er, they have this piece of paper with glue that you're supposed to pull away from the rest of the bag, but it never works properly and I-"

"Well, we could always make our own flour," Cole interjects, laughing. "I mean, I've got a scythe? Let's go!"

"Uh, but we don't have wheat growing here. I don't think it'd suit the climate very well?"

"Wheat a shame," Cole sighs jokingly, measuring out the flour (which had, finally, escaped the bag).

"Oh my gosh," Vania deadpans, "you did not just-"

"Yep, I did."

"You're horrible," she giggles, "then again, I was the one who started this whole debacle, so I think we'll share the blame."

"Debacle? Where'd you pick that one up from? Sounds kinda cool-"

"Oh, it's from a book someone wrote about you guys," Vania says casually, pouring a cup of water into the bowl.

"Hey, uh-" Cole starts hesitantly, twisting his fingers back and forth, then breaks off. "Why'd you read all that stuff about us, anyways? Adventure books don't really seem like something you read a lot, since we have similar favorite books. I mean..."

"Well, um..." Vania trails off, clearly uncomfortable. "Uh- I guess, well, it sounds kinda stupid, but I'd never really met anyone my age who wasn't a royal or something. I... er, I didn't want to be left out, you know?"

Cole thinks back to a scroll; a quest, a sacrifice. One that his friends never seemed to really notice, unless it was with horror or flinches. Not that he blamed them, but - joking about how he was much more useful to the team when he was freaking dead than he was before he'd stumbled and fell in the temple?

That had been a bit far, even for his best friend. Locks could always be picked or something, he didn't need to be a ghost to provide some sort of value-

Well, that's not completely true, is it? a small voice questions, and he can't keep his hands from shaking a little.

"Jay here thinks you're the least valuable ninja."

Not enough to be a performer. Now, not good enough to even be a ninja, apparently.

Well, he reminds himself firmly, you don't have to be the best - just stand up to those who are cruel and unjust.

Nothing but a scar that glowed warm orange occasionally left of the whole Cursed Realm ordeal, sometimes it was all too easy to forget - or pretend - that it had never even happened in the first place.

Other times, like when he'd dropped a glass of water on the floor and his hands hadn't stopped shaking for hours, or when he woke up screaming, expecting to fall through his bed again, it still felt like he was trapped as a ghost. Literally - and maybe a little figuratively as well.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

"Thanks for trusting me with that," he replies softly. "And I'm sorry. That sounds... horrible, but, honestly, you're a pretty cool person, and I ain't just saying that because we're friends. People can be awful, and they can- they can leave, but you don't need to pretend to be someone you're not for people to accept you. I kinda know what it's like, and it's... just, uh, not great."

"No, thank you," Vania says, rubbing her eyes. "You're pretty cool, too. And I'm glad that we become friends, even if wasn't in the- the, er, greatest circumstances."

"Right back at ya. The fall was pretty terrifying, though," Cole says casually, as if memories of that nightmarish plunge into the depths of earth don't still send shivers down his spine.

"No, definitely! I was so sure we were gonna splat onto the ground or something, thank gosh we didn't."

"Yeah..." Cole trails off, reading the recipe they'd been following. "Oh- do we just leave the bowl somewhere for a few hours now?"

"Oh, yeah," Vania answers. "Other than clean up the kitchen, what else do you wanna do?"

"That's kind of you, but, ah, I don't mind. You can choose something."

"I don't mind either," she replies, covering the bowl with a dishcloth. "Seriously, I don't."

"Same here though."

"Really, I don't mind-" Vania breaks off with a laugh, adding, "Well, actually, there is something."

She doesn't elaborate, thoughtfully gazing out the window.

"Well, what is it? Don't keep me in the dark."

"Ugh, it's kinda stupid-"

"I'm sure that it's not- well, unless you want to try to jump off a flying ship with a homemade parachute to prove a bet to someone-"

"Do I even wanna know?"

"...uh, probably not. We're way too crazy sometimes, our Master has a hard time keeping us in check. Your thing, though?"

"Can I give you a hug?"

Cole blinks for a second, expecting some sort of punchline.

"That's your thing?"

"Well, yeah- I mean, I said it was kinda stupid-"

"No no, that's not what I meant. You're so sweet - that's all."

"Well, not more than you-"

"Nah, you're sweeter-"

"Let's just call it a tie," Vania says with a smile, reaching over to give her friend a hug. "Thank you so much, I swear- well, no, I don't, but you know, anyways-"

"Yeah," Cole replies, laughing softly. "I know."

[willownoir1112]

Hiya everyone! Wyn here with today's White Rose Week 2021 entry, which is flirting! Now, today features a genderbent Weiss in honor of my friend CelestialPrincess, who could not participate due to scheduling conflicts, as well as for Akirou 02, who wrote one of my all time favorite fics, They're Yours Too! I hope everyone enjoys, and I will see you tomorrow with another day!

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Flirting

Ruby Rose can feel her eye twitching as the drunk white haired wolf Faunus man continues his verbal assault on all four of her tender, not innocent in the least, but still offended ear drums. It wouldn't be so bad if he was at least good at it, but even she's starting to think that it's impossible.

"Sho, you should gib me a chance, cause I'm… ummm…"

She's pretty sure he's trying to flirt. She's actually almost sure he's trying to flirt, and for the life of her she doesn't understand why! She's nothing special, just another non descript rabbit faunus stuck on an overnight layover in Mantle while trying to get home to Vale. Not for the first time since she left on this trip, she wishes she hadn't agreed to come to Atlas to meet James Ironwood on behalf of the Rose Weapons Corporation.

She especially despises being the Heiress of the company her mother, a successful huntress, founded after her retirement.

"I got it!" He grins drunkenly at her as he pounds a fist into his hand. "I'm not a dolt!"

She couldn't help it. She couldn't stop her hand from colliding with her face, then slowly dragging it's way down her fair skin in her… She's honestly not sure if it's because she's exasperated, or because her older half brother Xiang would be crying at how badly this guy can flirt. "So I should leave with you because you're not a dolt?" She asks, getting an enthusiastic nod of the head in reply.

"Not only am I not a dolt, but I'm also a virgin!" He declares in his eagerness, a goofy smile on his face. One that grows as he takes another sip of his drink, what appears to be a vodka on the rocks by the look and smell of it. And she's convinced he's had at least two too many.

"Look, I'm flattered that you want to lose your v-card to me, but I have to pass." She replies calmly, feeling her heart break a bit at the sad puppy look that comes across his face. "I'm only here for the night."

"See?" He declares as his drunken smile returns in force. "You can make a man of me, then you'll never see me again! It's a win-win!"

"Uh huh." She mumbles as she motions for the bartender to top off her own wine glass. If she's going to keep listening to this, then she might as well as go ahead and get buzzed. "What's your name?" She asks, deciding she needs to give the source of her irritation a proper name other than Drunken Wolf Idiot.

"It's Eis, and did you know you have really pretty eyes?" He adds the last wistfully as he stares into them, making her stare into his own sky blues. She has to admit, he has gorgeous eyes, and after taking a liberal sip of her wine, she has to admit he's not too bad looking. Now if only he could actually flirt.

"You're not the first person to tell me that, Eis." She replies as she offers him her hand. "I'm…" Before she can introduce herself, a second drunk with dark skin and wearing a fedora pushes him into her, making her spill her wine as well as his vodka onto her dress. "Awwww, oatmeal cookies!" She swears as she grabs a napkin and tries desperately to clean herself off.

"Hey, Eis? There you go buddy!" Fedora cries out before he begins to cackle drunkenly.

"Flynt, you dolt!" The wolf named Eis roars as he quickly turns and shoves him away. Meanwhile, giving up on getting herself cleaned up, Ruby finally makes a bad decision and simply motions for a refill. If she has to keep dealing with this crap, then she's going to be good and drunk. Besides, all her clothes are back at the airship port, which means she's going to have to find a twenty four hour laundry or something to wash said clothes while praying she doesn't get arrested for being naked in public.

So, as her Mama Raven would say, time to load up on liquid courage and then wrestle the Ursa to get your weapon back.

"Damn, I'm so sorry." Eis murmurs as he turns back around and frowns. She's pretty sure she's a mess. She can feel her soaked bra starting to stick to her skin, as well as her skirt sticking to her bare…

She really doesn't want to know if a certain part of her anatomy can get independently drunk as well. It's a constant struggle to make sure it doesn't get her into trouble as it is.

"Look, it's fine. Can you just tell me where I can go to clean up?" She asks in irritation as she grabs at the bottle of red wine and simply tilts it up, spilling the contents into her mouth and down her throat in a fashion that would have her brother and the rest of her friends cheering her on. Not for the first time, she wishes she hadn't had quite as much fun at Beacon as she did, and had taken her studies and training a bit more seriously.

Nodding, he offers her an arm. "You can get cleaned up at my place." He replies quietly, obviously a bit sobered up. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." She replies firmly as she glares at him. "And… thanks." She adds the last as her gaze softens. Offering the bartender her credit card, she makes sure he bills her for one more bottle of wine. If she has to keep listening to Eis's flirting, she definitely needs the liquid courage the fermented beverage provides.

Especially since he really is cute, and she's now tempted to lose her own virginity to him as well...

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"Wow, nice place." Ruby admits as the cab pulls up to the curb of a multi level apartment complex in downtown Atlas. She has to admit, he's been a polite gentleman during the entire trip, even trying to ignore the fact that her skirt has been slowly riding up her bare bottom to reveal it as well as her constantly wagging cotton tail.

"I live here with my twin sister." He replies as he struggles to look everywhere but at her exposed rear, while she takes another deep pull of the wine bottle still in her hand. "She works for the family company, while I am a huntsman."

This gets her attention. Her dream was always to follow in her mother's footsteps, but an accident when she was on a hunt left her with permanent nerve damage to her legs. Nothing painful, but still unable to use her semblance to its full effectiveness. "I was a licensed Huntress in Vale." She admits to him quietly as he pays the driver and gets out, offering her a hand out next. "Got hurt on a hunt, and had to quit."

He smiles sadly at her as she struggles to lower her skirt back down on her bottom. "My sister lost her sword arm during her last hunt. Her body rejected the prosthesis."

"Damn." She mutters before finishing the bottle, while struggling to stay upright on legs that are quickly refusing to continue to function. But she can't help but to squeak as she suddenly gets scoop up into surprisingly powerful arms, a smiling Eis looking at her.

"See? I knew I would sweep you off your feet before the night was out." He declares as he walks towards the door, the doorman nodding as he opens it for them.

"Finally! You learned how to flirt!" She declares with a giggle as she cuddles into his chest, enjoying the movement of powerful muscles obviously hidden underneath his dress shirt.

She almost wants to see them…

"I admit, there was more liquid courage pumping through my veins than blood at the time." He replies as he carries her through the lobby and towards the elevators. "But, I do believe we have traded places now."

"Ayup. And how can a beefcake like you still be single?!" She blinks as he chuckles while shaking his head.

"Willow, my twin, doesn't help matters there." He replies as the doors open and he steps in. "She firmly believes very few women are good for me."

"She's just being a good sister then." Fuck, he smells really good. And his wolf ears are so freaking cute! "My older brother's an asshole. But you? You're so cute I could almost eat you up like a tasty snack!"

Eis chuckles as he continues to hold her securely in his arms. "And you claim I'm bad at flirting?" He asks as he looks at her with those sky blues she's rapidly getting lost in.

"I'm drunk. I'm allowed to be bad at it." She declares with a wink. And then her sensitive nose catches the scent of spoiling wine, making her frown. "I stink."

"It's not that… WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU DOLT?!" She can't help but giggle as she stops unbuttoning her blouse to look at him.

"I'm stinky." Is her simple response before she returns to unbuttoning her red and black blouse, while the doors ding. But she can't help but to laugh as the white wolf makes a mad dash down the hallway and towards one of only two doors down the entire corridor.

Setting her down on her feet, she keeps laughing as he pats his pockets, obviously looking for a key or a scroll. Meanwhile, she finishes unbuttoning her blouse and slips out of it. And the look on his face as she stands there in just her bra, skirt, and heels, her blouse in her hands is absolutely priceless.

She can feel the warmth starting in her core. A warmth that won't be denied…

They barely get through the door before her lips are against his, while her hands work at unbuckling his belt. It's been a long twenty five years of chaste virginity, and her frustration is at a boiling point. She can feel her tail wagging so quickly it almost feels like it's going to fall off or go flying off, but she doesn't care. She's still fairly young, far from home, and he did present an excellent argument in that they'll never see each other again after tonight.

Ruby Rose is moaning within seconds. She is soon screaming within minutes. And Eis is full of shit if he's still a virgin in her eyes after bringing her to her first real orgasm ever. The first of many. But neither the rabbit faunus or the wolf faunus realize that she had moved a little bit too quickly, neither of them even considering using any kind of protection whatsoever...

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Eis Schnee awakens with a start, clutching his head and groaning in his discomfort. After agreeing to go out with his partner, Flynt Coal, to a local pub popular with travelers simply passing through, he soon found himself drunk and flirting with…

All he can remember is her brilliant quicksilver eyes. Those and how much he had made her scream as they made passionate love in his now partially destroyed bed.

Glancing at the opposite side of said piece of furniture, he sighs as he realizes that she was already gone, only the smell of her perfume to prove the fact that she even existed. Noticing his bladder and the fact that it is demanding to be emptied, he finally stands and rushes into the bathroom, groaning at the fact that despite her absence, she still left several bite marks on his shoulders and chest, including one that appears to have drawn some blood.

He's more than a bit concerned that she's mate marked him, but he soon puts it out of his mind as he smells the first aroma of freshly brewed coffee coming from the kitchen. Grabbing a pair of shorts, he stops long enough to put them on before exiting and joining his sister, Willow.

"Good morning, Twit. I see you finally took advantage of me being gone and punched your v-card." Willow, like him, is unusually tall for a woman at six foot, one inches in height thanks to their birth father, a Mountain of a wolf faunus man. With her long, ankle length white hair, brilliant ruby red eyes, and curvy figure, she is possibly the most highly sought after bachelorette in all of Atlas and Mantle, despite her missing limb.

"Indeed, dolt. It was nice having the place to myself for a change." He replies quietly as he helps himself to the coffee. Looking around, he sighs as he notices that, once again, there is no sign of the young mystery woman who came home with him last night. A few small clues in the fact that his own clothes are still strewn about, the smell of laundry detergent and fabric softeners cling to the air, and her empty wine bottle is still in the garbage.

"Then perhaps I should return to Vale more often." She replies quietly as she slowly sips at her coffee, the mug held securely in her sole hand. "I found myself having a rather lovely evening of my own with a particularly handsome man around our age."

"Oh?" He asks curiously as he sits next to her and grabs at the morning paper. "Please say you at least caught his name." He adds while opening it to the classifieds to look for a small hunt of some kind to stay busy.

"Xiang Xiao Long, my dear twit. And let me guess, you once again showed your lack of manners by not introducing yourself properly?" She asks while shaking her head in disbelief.

"I will admit to being quite intoxicated. So much so that even Dad would have been lecturing me."

"Ouch. When even Daddy would be raising hell as he calls it, you know you overdid it somehow." She admits as she sets her coffee down and checks her messages. "I wish the guild would leave me alone." She suddenly blurts out angrily as she throws her scroll across the room and into a wall. "Why would I take a contract now?! When I am a diminished weakling!"

Seeing the coming meltdown, Eis puts his own search for work to the side to wrap his arms around his volatile twin. "Be at peace, sister. I'll go have a word with the general."

She nods as she bursts into tears while clinging to him. "Is it not bad enough to be a cripple, Eis?! Is it not torture enough to not even be able to look at myself in a mirror without feeling like a weakling?!"

"Shhhh, you are not a cripple, Noiry. You are the strongest woman I know. Not many can continue on like you have, living your life as you do with courage and passion." He whispers to her as he rubs her back.

All thoughts of figuring out who his mystery partner flee his mind as he begins to rock his sibling gently, while she weeps into his chest with almost bone shaking sobs of sorrow. It would be several hours before he is able to return to his room to make his bed, discovering a bracelet of some kind left behind on his mysterious guest's side of his bed. A bracelet with a burning rose set in the middle…

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Ruby sighs as she settles deeper into her seat in the business class section of the Melta Airlines airship. After the events of her drunken night, as well as the rush to wash her clothes and get back to the airship port, she can only hope no one saw her walk of shame. Both of her mothers would kill her for pulling a Xiang, and Robin would be giving her shit for it for years to come.

But wow! What a night before all the rushing around!

As she settles down even more into her seat, while also curling up under the blanket she bought at the port, she is beginning to drift off when her scroll begins to vibrate insistently. Opening one silver eye, she begins to swear softly as she sees her older brother's grinning face on the screen. Grabbing an earbud out of her purse, she sighs as she puts it into one human ear and pushes the green button. "What?"

"Damn sis, is that any way to greet your favorite brother?"

"You're my only brother, thank the Goddesses, and I'm hung over."

"Awwww, poor poor bunny. It's been too Xiao Long since I took you out, hasn't it?" The older blonde replies impishly.

"Oh shut up, you obnoxious dragon!" Ruby snarls as she digs in her purse for some asprin or something to make the pounding in her head go away. "What do you want?!"

"I met someone."

"What's their name?" She asks as she motions to a flight attendant for something to drink, grateful the woman brings a bottle of water a moment later and not soda or alcohol.

"Her, thanks. I think I'm done with non binaries since Blake broke my heart and all." She can't help but to have a small moment of sympathy for her bisexual disaster of a brother. He had loved Blake Belladonna deeply, and the nonbinary panther faunus had broken his heart into pieces when they decided they were more interested in the fairer sex than him. Ruby and Raven both still have some choice words for the panther the next time they cross either woman's paths.

"Wow, an actual woman this time? You must be losing your touch with men again." She can't help but to tease him. She recognizes that tone of voice, and she wants him to stay positive.

"Correction: a black wolf faunus woman. A perfect black wolf faunus woman." She smiles at the delight in his voice, and quickly takes the headache medicine in her hand so that she can keep him on topic. "Tell me about her."

Ruby Rose keeps smiling as she settles back into her chair, under her new blanket, and listens to her brother tell her excitedly about this new woman he met while in Vale, while she was there on a business trip. At least until she realizes that her bracelet is missing…

[tomatoluvr69]

You give off hippie vibes and seem like someone who is maybe not vegan but maybe pescatarian or maybe somebody who is just very health conscious. And you it's honestly such an inspirational vibe that I aspire to be like one day.

(If I've read you wrong and your none of these things than honestly idk what to say other than oops hope you like your new vibe!)

I do and should give off hippie vibes because I am one even though I don’t dress like it. I’m big into gardening and foraging and fermentation and psychedelics and pre-pandemic I used to dumpster dive as like an anti food waste thing and cook my finds lmaooooo this is not something I’ve admitted on here before. I had some run ins with law enforcement and then the pandemic happened and it’s going to be a long time before I start again lol but im still gardening and fermenting and stuff.

As for veganism I’m not a vegan! You got that right. I used to be a vegetarian but unrelated to that, I have a really long and difficult history with eating disorders so restricting my diet is a really bad idea for me :( mostly for me this looks like a decent amount of food is prepared with eggs, and also I eat a lot of plain Greek yogurt as a protein source. And I love goat cheese and ice cream so much. But I don’t really eat meat that often, but that’s largely for environmental reasons even though it doesn’t even fucking matter because of the jeff bezos rocket and the oil spills and mass produced cheap plastic trinkets Amazon two day shipping and Forever 21 and funko pops etc etc etc etc

Anyways, I think it’s specifically because of my ed history that I’m like this. It’s really hard for me to eat food if it’s not nice, (nice meaning tasty or special or interesting or prepared with some actual effort, not necessarily expensive) and that combined with the fact that I genuinely love to cook means that I tend to put a lot of thought and effort into what I eat. I don’t talk a lot about recovery on here bc I know it’s really triggering to a lot of people, but becoming interested in food as an art/hobby or whatever has been a really important component for me. Furthermore I truly think that gardening is one of the most inherently healing activities on the planet. I CANNOT recommend it highly enough for anyone going through through it— it’s astounding how palpably good it feels to me during and afterwards.

But I think for me the whole hippie thing is less of like an aesthetic lifestyle to strive for and more of a recognition of humans as part of an ecosystem, and a responsibility to live as a part of an equilibrium rather than something that takes and takes and takes. That being said I am BAD at it!!!! I take airplanes. I eat hamburgers sometimes because they’re awesome. I use electricity and eat imported cheeses and I think honestly I’ve reached a point in my life where recovery and forgiveness of myself are a far higher priority than completely radical ecological living because it’s impossible!! A cotton reusable tote requires like 15,000 uses before it overtakes the resources required to make it!!! We should all be using hemp and bamboo!!!! But you’ll drive yourself literally fucking crazy thinking about all that shit and we can’t all make hemp tote start-ups and honestly one time I was tripping on these mushrooms i picked and I felt this powerful breakthrough where I realized that environmental concerns were an extremely huge part of my orthorexic restriction and I would literally never, ever recover if I didn’t start consuming things I’d been freaking out about for years, I had to apply that mindset to other areas as well.

Wow I’m sorry I got waaaaaaaaayyyyy off track here. I guess the point is that you totally fucking clocked me, I grow food and make my own seitan and kombucha, but also I don’t necessarily consider myself a hippie because I’m still struggling to find a way where I can consume in a sustainable way and not fall down a spiral of tyrannical mental illness lmaooooo

Ok and all that being said, I just want to say that you can basically pirate ornamental lavender from ugly corporate landscaping by ripping off a couple branches and sticking them in old food containers full of potting soil and everyone should do it it’s awesome and also plant native wildflowers and stick some garlic cloves in raw honey and then you’ve got honey fermented garlic to snack on baby and mugwort will give you weird dreams and also genuinely eat literally everything you want to including poptarts and ice cream and also GMOs are fine. To eat. Monoculture ag is another problem (😡) but you can eat gmos and big dairy and corn syrup it’s fine

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Resentment Ch. 1 (Ethan x MC)

Summary: After 2 months of not seeing each other, Ethan and Naomi do not have a pleasant reunion.

A/N: So...I’ve been writing this for the past 2 weeks. Open Heart 2 is ripe with angst and untapped drama. Tbh, this is my 5th draft, and I kept deleting and writing, and deleting and re-writing this, and I had to step away multiple times, as this was probably be one of my more draining fics to write. But anyway, if you’re still reading this long winded ass note, thank you lol. And enjoy, as always!

Tags: @ao719 @x-kyne-x @paulfwesley @ramseyandrys @choicesobsessedd @a-i-n-a-a-s-h @perriewinklenerdie @doroshi-desu @aworldoffandoms @thatcatlady0716 @drakewalker04 @canknot @lapisreviewsstuff @akacalliope @senseofduties @badchoicesposts @ethandaddyramsey @the-soot-sprite @chasingrobbie @zodiacsign1 @choices-lurker @miyakokurono @trappedinfandoms @dr-nancy-house @adrian-motherfucking-raines

~v~

Seeing Ethan Ramsey again nearly knocked the wind out of her. It feels like she saw a ghost. But here’s here, at Donahue’s, strolling through the garden as if this is any other night. As if he didn’t disappear off of the face of the earth for 2 months.

Naomi didn’t plan on having such a visceral reaction to seeing him, but she has little to no control over her body these days. Her heart speeds up, beating twice as fast, a cold sweat breaks out, starting at her forehead, and there’s the flip of her stomach and unmistakable taste of bile rising in her throat.

‘Do not throw up,’ she silently begs herself. ‘Do not throw up. Please, keep it together, Valentine.’

The chant doesn’t work, the nausea hitting her hard, like a wave crashing against the shore. She jumps out of her seat, ignoring the looks of confusion from her friends, and makes a beeline to the restroom, pushing past the other patrons at the bar. She barely makes it into a stall before she’s on her knees, emptying the contents of her stomach into a dirty public toilet.

Naomi isn’t sure how long she’s like this, embarrassingly clutching the toilet, but a knock at the stall door breaks her out of her trance. “It’s occupied!”

“It’s Sienna,” the voice on the other side says softly. “Can I come in?”

“Yes.”

The door swings open slowly and Sienna attempts to squeeze into the small space. It’s a tight squeeze, but she manages to make it work.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Naomi mumbles weakly. “You didn’t have to follow me.”

“Yes I did,” Sienna argues. She helps Naomi to her feet and pulls at the roll of cheap toilet paper. She bunches it up and wipes the corner of Naomi’s mouth. “You’re as pale as a ghost.”

“I feel like I’ve just seen one,” Naomi quips back. “Let’s just say I did not expect to see Dr. Ramsey here tonight.”

“You didn’t know he was coming back?” Sienna asks. “I thought you two were close.”

Naomi thought they were close too. But she got ghosted. It was jarring, going from sleeping with Ethan and openly flirting with him, to him being her boss again, to him disappearing and cutting off all communication within a span of 3 days. “I thought we were too.”

“How do you think it’ll be, working with him tomorrow?”

“I have no idea what to expect,” Naomi replies honestly. “Hopefully the rest of the team is nice.”

Sienna lifts Naomi up, helping her stand on her feet again. They exit the stall and Naomi washes her hands furiously like she’s about to perform surgery.

They walk out of the bathroom, Sienna with a protective arm around her friend’s waist. The rest of their friends are now inside, at their usual booth.

They all stare at Naomi, and she hates it. Now they’re probably going to think of her as the weirdo who threw up upon seeing her boss (an ex-lover, though not everyone is privy to that information).

“You just missed the wildest shit,” Bryce says, almost breathless. “Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Thorne nearly got into a fight!”

That was the last thing Naomi expected to hear. “What?”

“Thorne was being a real creep, and he tried to feel up some young girl. He touched her and she broke his hand!” Elijah exclaims. “He got loud and rowdy, he pushed her down, and Ethan came out of nowhere, swooping in like freaking Batman. I thought he was going to snap Thorne’s neck at one point.”

“Where is the girl?” Naomi asks. 

“She ran out of here as soon as she could.”

“I hope she’s okay,” Naomi murmurs, mostly to herself.

“Are you okay?” Bryce asks. “I’ve never seen you get sick before.”

“Whatever virus is fermenting in your body, please keep it away from me,” Jackie says, not even giving Naomi the chance to respond.

“Jackie!” Sienna tsks in annoyance. “Have some compassion.”

“She’s either drunk or it’s the stomach flu,” Jackie says with a shrug. “She’ll survive a little teasing.”

“It’s okay, Sienna,” Naomi insists. She loves her friend’s protective nature, but it really isn’t necessary. “You don’t have to go into mother hen mode.”

“Fine. But I’m making you soup after work tomorrow.”

“Deal.”

Reggie announces last call, and the gang starts talking about their post-bar plans. Be it getting food, going downtown, or just going home. Naomi drowns out the conversation as her eyes settle onto Ethan. His back is turned to her and Naomi notices that he’s the only one left at the bar while Reggie is cleaning up.

“Does last call not apply to you?” Naomi asks, getting his attention.

“Reggie and I go way back. We have an arrangement,” Ethan says simply.

“An arrangement.” Naomi rolls her eyes as she repeats the words. “Is that what you call a friendship?”

“I don’t have friends. But...I wouldn’t mind you joining me if you were so inclined.”

Naomi weighs her options. She can go home and put this night behind her, or she can stay out with Ethan. And actually talk to him.

She turns back to her friends. “You guys go on ahead. I want to check in about tomorrow with Dr. Ramsey.”

She doesn’t believe that excuse for one second. And if her friends don’t believe it either, they don’t say anything. Sienna just tells her to not stay out too late, before they all leave, going their separate ways.

Once they’re gone, Naomi joins Ethan at the bar. She looks at, really looks at him. He’s still the same handsome guy, just more...rugged. He’s much more tan than she remembers, it looks like he’s gained weight—muscle, not fat—and he’s sporting an entirely new look.

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves a brand new Ethan Ramsey,” she muses.

Ethan looks down at his green jacket, a vast departure from the sweaters and button ups he usually wears.

“This jacket’s been through a lot with me,” he explains, toying with the sleeve.

“I like it.”

She doesn’t miss the way he perks up at the compliment, almost as if he was hoping she’d say something. A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “Duly noted. And the beard?”

Ethan doesn’t know why he needs her stamp of approval so badly, but the validation she gives him feels nice. He likes to know that she thinks he looks good.

“It looks good on you,” Naomi answers honestly. Ethan scratches the beard, his fingers flying towards it unconsciously at her words. He nods, soaking in her praise.

“I’ve gotten used to it.”

Naomi looks around as an almost awkward silence settles between the two of them. She’s now actively aware of the fact that it���s just the two of them, alone.

“Why don’t we move this outside?” Ethan suggests, some of the tension dissipating. “It’ll be winter before we know it. Might as well enjoy the weather while we can. You want something to drink?”

Naomi’s stomach flips at the mention of alcohol. “You know what I want? A cup of ice water.”

Ethan’s eyebrow quirks up at the answer. They’re in a bar and she wants...water? He shrugs but heads behind the bar, nonetheless. Grabbing a Pilsner glass, he fills it to the top with ice and he also finds a bottle of water. He hands them off to Naomi. “For you.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” They make their way outside. It’s so quiet now that everyone is gone. It feels peaceful. Ethan drops down in a chair near the fire pit and Naomi joins.

“I can see why you like it here.”

“Because nobody’s annoying me?” Ethan jokes.

“More or less,” Naomi concedes. “It’s peaceful.” Ethan nods in agreement. “So...how was it, being in the Amazon?”

“It was quite the experience. It kept me on my toes.”

“Fighting an epidemic in a different country sounds...thrilling. And scary. You’re brave for doing it.”

Ethan snorts. Naomi always manages to see the best in him, even when he doesn’t deserve it. “That wasn’t bravery.”

Naomi looks down at her lap. “You didn’t keep in touch. Two whole months without any form of communication seems extreme, don’t you think? Especially after everything that’s happened with us?”

“Everything that happened between us is exactly why I didn’t contact you.”

“192,” Naomi says. 

“Huh?”

“192. That’s how many times I’ve called you in the past 2 months. I also sent 75 texts and 30 emails. You could have responded to at least one of those.”

Hearing the numbers out loud makes Naomi feel ridiculous, like a stalker. And Ethan just feels...awful. He remembers his chest going tight every time he saw her name flash across his screen. He remembers the restraint it took him to not call her back, or reach out in any way. He needed to stay away. It was for the best, for both of them.

“Naomi, if we’re going to work together on the diagnostics team, we need a fresh start. Your professional development is too important to jeopardize it with whatever...what is was that we had.”

Ethan probably would’ve been better off taking this glass of ice water and throwing it in her face. The callousness in his voice chilled her to the core. “That’s how you’d describe it? As ‘whatever’?”

Ethan sighs heavily. Of course his relationship with the younger woman meant something to him, but if he was going to be her boss, they needed boundaries. There had to be a line.

“Pouring my heart out to you on multiple occasions and vice versa, secretly saving our boss’s life, you bringing Mrs. Martinez’s son to my ethics hearing, the sex, it all just culminates to a...whatever. What? Is what we went through just a casual experience in the life of Ethan Ramsey?”

“Of course not, but Naomi, I can’t go down this road with you again. We need to have a reset if things are going to work.”

She doesn’t know why the word ‘reset’ makes her laugh, but it does. She laughs, hard, almost maniacally, until her sides hurt and she can barely breathe. Ethan says nothing, staring at her in confusion.

“You know what, Ethan? Fuck you.”

That catches him off guard. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me loud and clear. Fuck. You. You’re a coward. And a runner. You run at the slightest hint of something being hard, or if you have to face your own emotions and vulnerabilities. You run off, drinking yourself silly and keeping your head in the sand, and then you come waltzing back as if nothing happened, but guess what? Life still happens. There is no reset, no do-overs, no pauses. Time still moves forward.”

Tears prick the corners of her eyes and she wills herself to not cry in front of him. He doesn’t deserve any more of her vulnerability. She doesn’t know why it hurts so much, but it does. The idea of him moving through life as if what they shared was minuscule and insignificant burns. It causes a sharp ache in her chest she didn’t realize she had the capacity to feel.

“While you were in South America, ignoring the almost 400 pieces of correspondence I sent, I was still here, still dealing with shit, still caring about you, worrying about you and your safety every fucking day. I don’t have the luxury of turning my feelings on and off whenever I see fit, and I don’t get to delude myself into thinking I can turn back time.”

How many times are they going to play this game before she realizes she’s always going to be the loser? She and Ethan get close, he rejects her but leaves just enough space and opportunity to keep her hanging on.

Naomi wraps her arms around her midsection and slightly curls into herself. Not even her own embrace is soothing at this point. The rejection stings, and she feels...stupid. Why does she keep holding out hope for Ethan, hoping he’ll want her the same way she wants him? Why does she keep coming back, waiting diligently like a little puppy, nipping at his ankles for the slightest bit of attention? Maybe she’s just a glutton for pain.

“If you want to hit the reset button, you can do it by yourself. I’m not playing that game with you.” Naomi abruptly stands up, clutching onto the back of her chair for stability. “Goodnight.”

Panic settles in his chest. He doesn’t want things with her to end like this, with her hating him. He wants her to stay. He wants to take back everything he just said. “Naomi, I–”

“Save it!” Whatever he’s about to say, whatever line it is that’ll feed her just enough false hope to keep hanging on, she doesn’t want to hear it.

After gathering her belongings, she turns on her heel, looking for the exit. Her entire body is rigid, defensive and ready to strike at any given moment, and she feels like she’s going to throw up again, which is something she truly does not have time for.

She’s fully prepared to walk away from him with whatever shred of dignity she still has, but she stops herself. She turns around, facing Ethan again.

“I called you a lot while you were gone. I left countless voicemails until your mailbox was completely full. Did you listen to any of them?”

“I haven’t listened.” Ethan feels ashamed by the answer, and he refuses to meet her big doe eyes, opting to look at the ground.

Naomi doesn’t dwell on the answer. She shakes off the hurt, and powers through.

“Last Wednesday, at 5:21 am, I called. You obviously didn’t answer, and I left a message. I’ll set the scene for you because I’ll never forget the moment. I was sitting in my bathtub, crying, almost hysterically. It was the type of crying that gets Meryl Streep and Viola Davis Oscar nominations, the kind that makes you feel sick to your stomach. But I live with 3 other people, so I had to sob into a face towel until the worst of it passed. And then I called you. Logically, I knew you probably weren’t going to answer, but I figured one last Hail Mary couldn’t hurt so I did it anyway. 

In the voicemail, I practically begged you to talk to me. To answer at least one of my calls. It was so...desperate. And pitiful. The old Naomi would rather get buried alive than to ever be so emotionally available and needy, but I didn’t care. In that moment, I needed you, I needed solace that I thought only you could give me, but I know now that it won’t happen. You’re way too emotionally stunted and unavailable.”

She inhales, something shaky and full of vulnerability, and every bone in her body is screaming out to just shut the fuck up and turn away.

“But you didn’t answer, you didn’t acknowledge it, and I was just absolutely gutted,” Naomi continues. “Because had you answered that call, or called me back some time that day, I would’ve told you that I’m pregnant.”

With that confession, Naomi visibly deflates. It feels like a crushing weight has been lifted off of her chest.

But Ethan feels the exact opposite. Unable to move, he gapes at Naomi. “You-you’re what?”

“Pregnant. 9 weeks, 5 days. It’s the size of an olive at this point, and before you ask, yes, it’s yours.”

Paternity hadn’t even crossed his mind at this point. He’s still stuck on the fact that she’s pregnant. 

“So while it hurts to know what you want a reset, and to pretend we didn’t share anything, it is also literally impossible to do so,” Naomi says with a humorless chuckle. “But don’t worry, I’ve received the message loud and clear. See you at work tomorrow, Doctor. Oh, and congratulations.”

Ethan watches as she leaves, even though he calls her name, asking her to stay. His chest feels tight like someone is squeezing him from the inside, and he struggles to inhale. The revelation stifles him, and he can’t get his bearings.

Unable to do much else, Ethan falls back into his chair. Despite trying his damnedest to get things back on track, it feels as if he’s made everything so much worse.

[sepublic]

Something Ventured, Someone Framed

EDALYN CLAWTHORNE

LILITH CLAWTHORNE

CLAWTHORNE FAMILY

WE HAVE CONFIRMATION ON THE FAMILY NAME!!!

...Okay, with that out of the way and off my chest, I LOVED this episode! 

Firstly, I love how the show is addressing and exploring Luz’s frustration with Eda not exactly helping her explore witch society, while also admitting that Eda is doing this out of a place of concern and not wanting Luz to be hurt like her. But at the same time, Eda KNOWS that Luz is feeling stifled and she of all people doesn’t want to tell someone else what to do... As she said earlier, it’s best for Luz to figure out how she feels about the system. And while she does, Eda will be supporting her the whole way! Even fixing all of her past mistakes, of a few of which were really hilarious and impressive (the moving, sentient graffiti was an amazing gag)! I just... LOVE how much Eda cares for Luz and is willing to put herself into an uncomfortable situation for her sake!

Principal Bump is actually a cool dude! I had my suspicions ever since Episode 3 (what with him going out of his way to place Willow in the track she wanted to be in... yeah he tried to dissect Luz, but at the time he thought she was just a really advanced Abomination). Then Covention had him say “I failed you as a teacher” to a kid... Which while harsh to say in front of a crowd, is ultimately a line that puts the responsibility on himself, and not the student.

And it shows! I’m not sure if a lot of people in the Boiling Isles just... don’t care for Bellows’ reign in particular. Is there some form of quiet, conscious dissent going on? As a surprisingly benevolent principal (not including the detention), Bump is genuinely willing to look past Eda’s criminal status and even bend the law just so his students (and Luz herself) gain ‘enriching’ knowledge and experience from interacting with a person/people from another world! With Bump, he seems to be the kind of person who’d much rather focus on rehabilitating and helping reintegrate a person into society, over just punishing and isolating them. That I have to respect!

(Although that Detention... thing is a bit too far when it comes to ‘rehabilitating’. Also it’s going to be weird re-watching those scenes knowing the Detention Monster is just a regular dude who acts like a monster for his job.)

Mattholomule is... Well, he’s a jerk like Dana said. Not much else to say here. But he’s also her favorite jerk, so I guess we have something to look forward to! Also, him becoming president of the HAS seems a bit of a pyrrhic victory, seeing as how he already admitted to the club that he lied to get appreciation. He really didn’t think this through, did he?

Also GUS! Gus, my baby boy. He’s incredibly smol, and it’s because he’s actually really young for his grade! That joke with his rebellious illusion was great, and it was cool seeing Emira and Edric as a casual, background-character joke! And when he raised his hand I deadass thought he’d deck Mattholomule in the face (not that I’d blame him). The fact that promotional art for the episode had him getting physical with Mattholomule and Dana joking about getting into a fight certainly didn’t help. Likewise, I was pretty glad to see an episode centering on him (since just about everyone else from the main cast got focus... Not sure if Hooty counts. Would Hooty’s Moving Hassle count?), and it was neat to switch things a bit to have him as the protagonist. I think it’s always neat when that happens, and it helps us see how others see Luz, our main protagonist!

(Willow, you’re so precious and amazing I love you. Looking out for your girlfriend and being the voice of reason.)

But back to what REALLY got my eye... YOUNG EDA! YOUNG EDA HAS ORANGE HAIR! And she’s freaking adorable... You are my angel...

Her being in the Potions track makes sense, but it makes me wonder if that happened before or after the curse? Some of her magic graffiti had the words ‘Hoot’, but that might’ve happened during her time at school? It’d be interesting if part of her interest in the Potions Track was to help curb her own curse, or if later on her school track just conveniently ended up working out. There’s always the possibility that since Bump is willing to accommodate his students according to their needs, he switched Eda to the Potions Track after she got cursed. Who knows? Either way, Young Eda is my precious baby girl... I would give the whole WORLD to you...

(And now I’m a little depressed imagining Eda having innocent, carefree days and fun at school and enjoying her friendship with her sister, only for the curse and/or some other incident(s) to cause a falling-out with the system and disgrace.)

On a minor note, when @disneytva released that one infographic showing off each school track and a corresponding image, we have yet to see the screenshots for the Bard, Fortune Tellers, and Healing Coven? AKA we’ll definitely get more of Hexside this season and I can’t wait!

I really loved reading about Eda’s pranks as a child. What a wonderful trouble-maker who knows exactly what she’s doing. But what I really appreciate is the one report mentioning how she caused an entire lunch fight just to get back Lilith’s lunch money! Lilith shows she cares about Eda (in her own flawed way), and we see how Eda cares for Lilith! I just WANT these two to be happy!

(Also I want to see young Lilith)

I was thinking about it and “Look Hoo’s Talking” mentioned it as well, but there’s a ‘mystery thief’ (AKA the person that stole Luz’s lunch money)? At first I wasn’t paying attention, but then the report specifically mentioned they worked with Eda and Lilith to save the school from the giant, sentient Abomination. Is this the favorite character from Season 2 that Dana talked about??? A peer from Eda and Lilith’s class???

(By the way, did Bump write those reports on Eda’s behavior? Whoever it is apparently had the obligation to clean up the Griffin-vomit but took a break, which... I love you Eda. But that dude totally deserves a break from your pranks.)

It was really touching to see Eda interacting with Hooty this episode. Given the implications that she may have made Hooty herself, it was really kind... But at the same time, I can see why Hooty’s behavior convinced Eda to enroll Luz in school.

And while Eda mentioned that she knows Luz is smarter than the ‘One Witch, One Coven’ nonsense... What if she and Luz have a falling-out because Luz buys into the system???

...I mean, I’m not too sure about that. But mostly, it seems like an assigned track is mandatory. Unless Eda pulls off some special treatment for Luz the human, I REALLY want to see which track Luz will be placed into! Her expertise is light spells, which seems like it’d be in the Illusion track... But we already have Gus, Emira, and Edric. Earlier I discussed with @fermented-writers-block about Luz possibly getting into the Healing or Beast-Keeping Covens, what with her relationship with the symbolism of Azura-Hecate and her own character motifs. I can’t wait to find out!

(Assuming something tragic doesn’t happen to prevent Luz from attending Hexside... could you imagine?)

[missblissy]

Rebirth (Chapter Four)

Alastor X Human!Reader ((Reincarnation!AU)) 

Prologue || One || Two || Three || Four

Tagged: ((You can ask to be added to the tagged list!!)) @alastors-bambi @peachesandkats @riintss @destiny-in-the-universe @dadzawas-eyebags @daedaliaaan @putridjoy @shieldagentofthemonth @originofthedragonjim @animals4ever527 @jexinqq @chaotic-pansexual @geekin-about-alastor @keenhumanoidduckeagle @fafefae​ @honeydrops01010​ @itz-kira​ @xoceanicgemzx @the-monochrome-jester @holdnyvaseline

Fuck! FUCK! Your back was still pressed against the door. You could hear someone coming down some stairs then a deep voice call, “Hello?” Seconds later Vanderlinde rounded the corner and come into the foyer. He saw you shaken form and worried look painted his face, “(Y/n)? What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“YES!” You blurted out. For whatever reason, you felt like you could confess in Vanderlinde. Although he was a professor at the university you attended, he was once a priest who left the church for personal reasons. Maybe he knew something? Maybe that’s why Alastor was stuck outside. You stood up straight and hurried over to the window in the living room. You pulled back the curtain and saw Alastor still standing there. He looked confused even with a distorted smile on his face. It looked painful and unnatural on his human face. 

Vanderlinde was close behind. He was about to ask what was going on but he found out for himself. The second his eyes came in contact with Alastor’s figure, he grabbed you and yanked you away from the window, “Holy Mother of Mary!” Vanderlinde whisper-yelled, “Do you know what that is?!” His green eyes nearly jumped out of his head.

Fear was written all over his face. What was the reason? You stood beside Vanderlinde with concerned eyes, “He’s a demon-”

“THE DEMON!” Vanderlinde jumped at you. He placed both his hands on your shoulder and nearly shook the life out of you, “How? How did you get him here? Why did bring him here?” Vanderlinde’s voice shook in his throat, “Why did you bring The Radio Demon to earth?!”

“I-..I don’t even know who he is, Van!? He- he said his name was Alastor-”

“Alastor the FREAKING AXE HUNTER!!” That sounded familiar but you didn’t quite pick up what Vanderlinde was saying. Luckily he went on, “The serial killer from the 1920s? Ya know? They called him The Southern Axe Hunter? A radio host that’d trick you with a smile into a dark corner? Kidnapped his victims then take them home and dismember them? While they were still alive! He killed all those people to summon an Eldritch spirit that is not of this universe!” 

“I didn’t summon him!” You quickly defended yourself, “Him and his little shadow friend Eon broke into my home. He started spouting some nonsense that he knew me in a past life! He wants to take me back to hell!”

Vanderlinde stares at you with wide eyes. He didn’t say anything for the longest time and it started to worry you, “He wants to take you to hell?” he repeated your words in the form of a question. 

“Y-yeah. He said my soul is too pure to go right now. I think he’s trying to taint me or make a sinner-”

Vanderlinde cut you off again. His face now stern and cold, “Come with me.”

You silently followed after him. Less than a few days ago this was your home for what felt like lifetimes. You had been roommates with Vanderlinde and Sage for almost 3 years. The house was exactly the same way it was when you last saw it.

Vanderlinde lead you downstairs and into the basement. What could possibly be down here beside the laundry machines and dozens of canned foods? Well, a lot of things. You watched your friend head towards a door you’ve seen thousands of times but never dared to open when you lived here. It was always locked so you just assumed it more storage of some kind.

It was an old round wooden door with black hinges. Vanderlinde pulled a necklace out from under the collar of his shirt and snapped the key off the string. He unlocked the door and pushed it open with ease. As the door squeaked open, a deep earthy smell with the overpowering scent of herbs and chemicals wafted from within the darkness.

You were stunned by what you found inside. As Vanderlinde flicked on a light that dangled from the ceiling you came face to face with the lovechild between a science lab and a witch’s hut. Dozens of herbs hung from the walls while a cauldron boiled and smoked from the center of the room. An altar made of skulls, bones,  and candles lit itself to life all by itself as Vanderlinde got close to it. In the corners of the room were benches filled with test tubes, beakers, Bunsen burners and all sorts of chemistry equipment. It looked like a haunted science lab from high school chemistry class of the undead.

You noticed the floor was made of dirt with rocks placed in circle patterns embedded into the ground. You stood beside Vanderlinde at the alter and asked “Has this been here the whole time? What is this?” He still had that stern and cold look on his face. It was odd to see him so stressed out, he was normally a very relaxed person. Seeing him like this made you worried that things were worse than you first thought.

“Yeah, it’s Sage’s lab. I’m not going to hide this from you anymore seeing as we have a literal code red, but we’re demon hunters,” He didn’t take his eyes off the spinning orb at the center of the alter. Vanderlinde hovered both his hands over it as he went on to say, “Well, Sage is. She’s a witch and demon slayer. I’m just the researcher, I don’t actually slay anything other than words and books.” How did you not know this about your two best friends? And witches? They were real too?! What’s next? Vampires!? Mermaids!?

“Where is Sage?” You asked as you realized she hadn’t shown up yet.

“She’s on a hunt. That job she’s always traveling a lot for? It’s to kill demons.” Huh, you wished you knew that sooner.

“Okay, so can you get rid of Alastor then?”

“I’m going to try my best,” He said with a worried smiled. As he placed his hands on the glowing orb you watched with amazement and wonder as he pressed his hands into the orb. They seeped into the glass as if it were water, “I don’t have a divine weapon. I can’t kill him without Sage or her rapier. So this is going to have to do,” He pulled his hands from the orb and in his grasp was a black dagger, “You can only kill a demon with holy technology. The weapon’s of angels work the best. If you don’t kill them with a divine weapon, they just go back to Hell and then the fight starts all over again.”

You watched him hold the black dagger with just the tips of his fingers. It looked like it was made of obsidian. Vanderlinde then started to pluck herb after herb while tying them to the handle of the dagger with string. He went over to a large makeshift dresser and started pulling out bird beaks and feathers, he tied those to the dagger too. Lastly, he took a large bucket from under a bench and popped the lid off. You were instantly met with the fermenting, rotting smell of animal blood as it washed around in the bucket.

The smell was awful enough to make you nearly barf. Vanderlinde didn’t even seem fazed. For an Ex-preist, he sure did use a lot of dark rituals. He dipped the very tip and only the tip of the dagger into the bucket of blood then held it upright with the blade pointing to the sky. You watched the little drop of blood fall down the center of the blade then drip back into the bucket. Vanderlinde waved the dagger a few times the muttered words in a language you didn’t know.

In a firey explosion of smoke and sparks, the dagger changed right before your eyes. Once black obsidian, the dagger was now crystal clear glass that you could see right through. This must be magic... You thought.

Without a word spoken between the two of you, you followed Vanderlinde upstairs and to the window. Alastor was still there but this time he was tapping his ghostly microphone onto the magic barrier keeping him off of the property. He was testing for weak spots. Vanderlinde took in a deep shaky breath then whispered a prayer to God before heading to the door.

You made sure to stay behind him as you left the house. Alastor was still standing there on the sidewalk with a twisted smile that tore apart his human flesh. His eyes were bloodshot with slivers for pupils, much like that of a cat. Anyone would have guessed that he was possessed in some kind of way.

“I thought I smelled some type of trash lingering around here!” Alastor said with a grin, “Where is the witch?” You and Vanderlinde stood in the driveway, only inches away from the sidewalk. You had only just noticed that Vanderlinde had a rosary in one hand. His thumb passing the beads through his fingers as he nervously counted each little bead. Alastor let out an evil giggle, “You’re foolish if you think that can work against me, Father,” You saw Vanderlinde flinch at the jab Alastor was trying to make.

“I don’t work for the church anymore,” He said slowly, he lifted the dagger up to Alastor’s eye level and for the first time you saw an emotion plaster itself on his face.

He jerked away in disgust and hissed and spat out vile sounds, “What kind of Christian taints their soul with Voodoo!?” Alastor’s smile wavered and thinned but never dropped from his face. It only shifted in size, “Did you really throw away your only chance at Heaven just for this little trick?”

Vanderlinde’s eyes flashed harshly with an emotion you couldn’t describe. His gaze was firmly locked with Alastor’s as he brought the crystal blade to his hand, “I was never getting in anyways,” He quickly sliced open the palm of his hands to let his blood flow onto the sidewalk. It splattered around Alastor’s feet and even managed to get on his shoes. Ghostly transparent chains sprung from the ground and trapped Alastor there as they tangled around his legs. 

Surprise coated Alastor’s face and you could see Eon watching from his shadow on the ground. A pair of hollow empty holes stared up from the pavement as Eon absorbed what was going on.

“Now that I’ve got you stuck here,” Vanderlinde started. He dropped the dagger to the ground and watched it break. He stepped on the shards and crushed them even more into little bits of broken glass, “You’re going to answer some questions. First off, why are you here, demon?”

There was a battle happening on Alastor’s face. He must have been under some kind of truth spell because you could tell he was fighting to keep his mouth closed. Whatever Vanderlinde did with the dagger must have worked. After a minute or two Alastor gave up. The static returned to his voice and his words were strained, “I’m here for (Y/n). I’m bringing her back home,” He sounded like a robot, he even kind of looked like one. His face was stone cold and didn’t move. your stomach twisted into a knot as you watched his smile grow larger and larger by the second. Even his eyes were fixed and locked on Vanderlinde. He didn’t blink once or even dare to look away.

“What do you need (Y/n) for? Who is she to you?” Vanderlinde asked. All while this was going on, you made sure to stay behind your friend. You didn’t want to get to close to Alastor because as ever second past more of his human features melted away.

A pair of horns started to grow from Alastor’s head as he helplessly answered the question like an automated voice message, “I want to take her home so we can get back to our afterlife in eternity. She was my wife,” Alastor’s hair started to fade into shades of red and black as it grew out. His skin started to turn an ashy gray color as blood soaked into his eyes, giving them the red tint they usually had. Two long and fluffy ears flipped from his hair and stood upright.

Shock jumped onto both yours and Vanderlinde’s face. That was it? That’s all he wanted? You felt something in your chest crack and scream. You were his wife in your past life? Or afterlife? When exactly did your past self meet him? At the same time, something in your heart made you feel extreme pity for Alastor. Another part of you felt fear, anger, and confusion. Mostly anger.

Alastor’s answers only brought up more questions. Thank God that Vanderlinde was thinking the same thing as you, “When did you first meet (Y/n)? And who was (Y/n) before she was reincarnated?” He asked.

By now Alastor was looking more and more like his demonic self. His voice never wavered once and stayed uncomfortably calm, “I met her the day I died in 1933 at the seventh and final gate to Hell. She was The Crybaby Demon, (Y/n) (L/n), and Hell’s Gatekeeper, similar to your Saint Peter at Heaven’s gates,” Alastor’s words meant something to Vanderlinde because he snapped his gaze to you for only a second. You had no idea what this Crybaby Demon was or what Alastor was talking about.

There was a cold chill that slapped the back of your neck and suddenly Alastor freed himself of the chains of truth. Now fully in his demonic form, Alastor gave a quick and toothy smile as he stepped forward and place a foot onto the driveway. The magical barrier was useless against him now. He got into Vanderlinde’s face and chuckled.

With a click of his tongue and dark little giggle, Alastor threatened Vanderlinde “I best hope you have your little witch around next time, Father,” He said in a dark and demonic tone. Alastor’s voice was so warped and demented that you could barely tell what he was saying, “The next time you see me will be your last,” Alastor snapped his finger and then -POOF- he turned to dust in the wind and just like that... he was gone.

___________________________________________________

He wasn’t irritated. He wasn’t mad. He wasn’t angry. He was enraged. He was full of wrath and hate and malice. His little radio heart THUMB THUMB THUMBED in his ears as he peered at his own reflection through a mirror he broke seconds before.

Alastor was having an incredibly difficult time dealing with his emotions. Normally he had them under complete control. He underestimated the power of Vanderlinde and Sage. He had been keeping tabs on these silly little demons hunters and he was sorely unprepared for that little attack that Vanderlinde pulled on him. 

As Alastor peered into the Water Well, he could see through the eyes of Buck, your cat and his familiar. Though Buck’s eyes, Alastor watched you and Vanderlinde cleans your apartment head to toe with Voodoo rituals that were so secret and private that Alastor nearly flipped the Water Well over in a fit of rage. 

“HOW!?” He yelled, baring his teeth with an ugly and large frown, “Where did he find it!? Where did he even get this kind of knowledge!?” Thank god he was alone. Alastor watched as Eon’s shadowy figure formed before him.

“Calm yourself, friend,” That was kind of hard to do right now, “We’ll get them next time. Do not worry about it,” 

Alastor ignored Eon’s words and bent as close as he could to the Water Well without getting wet. His large red eyes filled with hate as he watched Vanderlinde teach you forbidden Voodoo rituals that no outsider should ever have the right to know. Voodoo was a very closed and secretive culture that didn’t welcome outsiders, “Who is he!?” Alastor snapped, “Who is that stupid little bitch witch!? What clan does she belong too?” 

Suddenly there was a knock on his door. Alastor stood up tall and slapped a smile onto his face. He hid any sign of his rage and opened the door to his grand hotel room. 

He was going to quickly send off whoever it was, but it was Charlie. Instead of quickly dismissing her, he smiled and asked, “Something I can help you with?”

The little demon princess had a worried look on her face as she raised her brows and peered beyond Alastor and into his room. She noticed all the broken glass and furniture, “Uh, haha- um-” She weakly laughed with a sad smile, “I was wondering if I could actually help you with... whatever you're dealing with? Everyone heard a bunch of loud bangs and crashes coming from your room-”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Alastor cut her off and waved his hand in her face, “Everything is fine, Charlie,” He started to close the door on her when suddenly a voice snuck into Alastor’s mind. It was Eon, whispering into his thoughts so only Alastor could hear him. We could use her help, Eon said, “Actually,” Alastor opened the door up again. A natural yet sinister smile was on his face, “I think you can. Do you think you could de me a sweet little favor? Something nice and easy?”

Charlie lit up like a firework with a smile on her face, “Sure!” She always loved helping others, “What can I do for you, Al?”

He chuckled then leaned down to her eye level. There was an overwhelming sense of happiness and joy in his twisted smile, “Call your father for me?”

[balkanradfem]

I somehow got a lot going on! I've been making my first preserves of the year, strawberry and rhubarb jams! I have to write a rant about rhubarb later because it's freaking me out. I also finally started working with clay and made a small decorative plant pot! It took me 4 tries but now I'm in love with it, I carved a lil plant in it and it's drying and waiting to be baked in the oven.

I'm also finally making homemade yeast, it took me so long because I couldn't get over the concept of "having to throw some out every day for first week" because I do not throw away flour at all. That's a crazy thing to do. But, I got over it, I will survive with few spoonfuls of flour less. It's third day and this thing smells like vinegar. I don't know what to make of it, but I'll continue feeding it unless it starts to freak me out.

Plant lady told me about a homemade cleaning liquid and it's named "miraculous enzyme" and it's made by taking a big plastic bottle or container, putting fruit and vegetable scraps in it, adding brown sugar and water and letting it ferment for 3 months. When it's over, you get some sort of strong homemade vinegar, you have to dilute it with water by 1:1000, or so the internet says, in order to use it for cleaning. She saw my orange peels in vinegar and explained I could put those peels in the enzyme as well, and make it smell nice. I'll have to try this out! Apparently the liquid is good for spraying the plants for insects, fertilizing, cleaning any part of your home and it's even recommended to put it in soap and detergent but we will see. I do feel relieved its possible to make all this at home because I will absolutely need it. Here’s a link for it!

[bluepenguinstories]

Remoras Full Chapter XIII: Yield

Everyone was in such a panic, including the kid, and I was clueless. I was in my room when it all went down, listening to some classical music, and brainstorming what kind of weapon would fit best for me. All that good stuff. All I knew for sure is that I wanted to be a total badass.

That all got interrupted with a thud and a crash. I tore off my headphones and rushed to the door. My head poked out of the room and I called out.

“What’s going on out there?”

Heavy footsteps and heavy breaths were heard before Sunny came into view.

“Oh good! You’re awake!” She grinned. Even though her words were rushed and it was obvious that she was stressed. “Ray had a bit of an accident, so he’s going to be in the hospital for a while! Maybe just a few days! Or a few weeks! Not sure yet, but it’ll be fine!”

If you’re in distress, you can say so. Just because your name is Sunny doesn’t mean you have to be sunny all the time. What am I thinking? Enough with these blunt thoughts! I need at least one person not to be mad at me!

At least I managed not to say that out loud.

“Anyway, can you watch Tigershark while Remora and I are gone?”

“Um…” Of course. I should have said yes. I had no reason not to. But sometimes the things that came out of my mind didn’t correspond with the things I should have done. “I mean...it’s a lot of pressure...I’d be all alone, and…”

...And I’ve never done anything akin to babysitting before, I sure was glad I didn’t say that part out loud.

“I bet Remora would appreciate it,” Sunny winked and it was as if she transferred her short breath onto me. Not only that, but my heart pounded against my chest. How Sunny could say that name so casually was beyond me.

“Of...Of course!” I stammered.

“Great! There’s plenty of food, Tigershark can cook for herself, so really, it should be a piece of cake! See you two in a bit!”

I held out my thumb and winked. “You can count on me!”

Now, the idea of ANYONE entrusting me to take care of a child sounded like recipe for disaster. I didn’t even like kids. I liked fish. And badass tall ladies.

...But never mind all that. Sunny was right. For the entirety of the day, the little orange shark was a breeze. I thought she’d be upset the whole day because of Ray, but when I told her it was us two for a while, she just smiled and said, “okay! I’ll make lots of pudding!”

“Sounds good!” I replied, then planted myself in a booth and kicked my legs up on the table. Given that all was quiet and Tigershark knew what she was doing, I took it upon myself to brainstorm what kind of weapon I’d want. Or maybe if I was a superhero, what kind of power I would have. Then, there was the matter of what kind of cape I’d have. What kind of outfit. And what outfit would match what weapon. It grew to be exhausting.

I started to doze off. Napping in an empty diner. The perfect life, really. I had a pleasant dream where I was having a picnic with someone/no one in particular and a school of jellyfish were swimming across the air. Then ninjas appeared. And a whole bunch of peaches fell down from the tree which there wasn’t a peach tree before, but hey, it was a dream. All was going well and that someone or no one in particular and I shared a peach together and then –

“HEY!” An outside force yelled and I heard a slam. I jumped up and saw Tigershark with her hands slammed down on the table and an angry expression on her face.

“Sheesh,” I rubbed my eyes. “Why so violent?”

“I wanna go exploring!” She demanded. I looked out the window. Nothing but a blanket of white for miles. Well, I noticed a faint outline of the airport in the distance, but truth be told, I was kind of avoiding that place ever since I tricked that pilot/stewardess. “Won’t be fooled again”, right?

“There’s nowhere out there to explore,” I stared her dead in the face and expected her to take the argument without question.

“Wrong! There’s polar bears! And seals!”

Well, couldn’t argue there. Guess I would have to try a different approach.

“Indeed. And they all wanna eat ya!” I opened my mouth wide and raised my palms as if they were claws. She just did it right back.

“I’ll eat them first!”

Abort! Abort! New plan!

“Err...about eating, know what you want for dinner?”

She put her finger on her chin and went, “hmm…”

Hmm...indeed. Whatever she was having, I knew I wouldn’t have it. Too many meat eaters ‘round these parts.

“Hákarl!” She announced with the utmost glee. “Ray says it’s the only thing he himself won’t eat!”

From the sound of it, that didn’t sound all that bad. Perhaps it was a vegetarian dish of sort.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“Fermented shark!” She sounded like that was the coolest thing ever, but did she know? Did she know what the word ‘fermented’ meant? How could anything ‘fermented’ be good?

I started to make gagging sounds. First, it was something ‘fermented’. Second, it was meat. Totally meat.

“Yeah, you help yourself to that.”

In the end, she ate the gross thing, which I don’t think she liked, given the expressions on her face, but she acted like she did. Probably just to spite me. As for me, I just had an orzo salad. What could I say? I knew what I liked.

All in all, taking care of Tigershark proved to be a breeze.

...So how did it turn out like this?!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAA –” Tigershark yelled as she ran out of my room and into the hallway.

“Get back here! I’m not done yet!” I chased after her, holding my book in one hand.

“NO! YOUR STORIES ARE SCARY!” She ran through the kitchen and back out into the dining room. Chairs were knocked over in an attempt to keep me away from her. Lucky for me, they were pretty easy to jump over once they were knocked over. In fact, I was just about to catch her when the door opened up.

A customer? Crap. I am so screwed if that’s the case. Wait. I’m screwed even if that’s not the case. How do I explain this?

“Hey, we’re back!” Sunny’s voice called out in that same kind of voice I imagined the sun on a Raisin Bran box had.

Both Tigershark and I stopped dead in our tracks and looked up to see the towering presence of Sunny and Remora.

“Uh...I...can...explain…” I uttered the words in spite of how futile I knew they were. No. I couldn’t explain. But luckily, before I could embarrass myself further, Tigershark stepped up to the plate to explain for me.

“I asked for a bedtime story and she told me something scary, instead!” Tigershark whined in front of them.

“Okay, for context: I just told her about the Greenland shark that’s local to the area. That’s all,” there. I made my case.

For further context: yes, Sunny did get me that field guide of fish in the arctic. I wish I was more excited to have gotten such a gift, but each time I looked at the book and thought about opening it up and reading it, I found myself lacking any interest. So when Tigershark barged into my room (I thought for sure I locked it…) and demanded a bedtime story, the conversation went a little like this:

Me: I don’t have any stories*. Sorry.

*Note: I did have some fics bookmarked on my phone, but some of them were a little embarrassing to read out loud.

Tigershark: Make something up!

Me, after noticing the field guide on the stand next to my bed: Hold on! I can tell you about the thing you ate for dinner!

Next thing I knew, she freaked out and ran out of the room. I was just telling her how the shark’s skin and meat were poisonous and that they lived in the depths and were among the largest species of shark. I wasn’t even finished talking about all that great biological stuff by the time she ran out. Let it be known that at least one person was intimidated by fish facts, and that was Tigershark.

“I swear, everything was cool for most of the day! I did well! You guys just came back at a bad time!” I felt like I was on the verge of tears, but of course I wasn’t. Tigershark was, though. She sobbed up a storm.

“Well, I’m glad to see you two had fun!” Sunny grinned.

That’s not reassuring at all.

“Yeah! We had fun!” Tigershark grinned. “I made lots of pudding!”

I balked. “It’s hard to tell if you’re actually upset or not!”

In response, Tigershark went right back to the waterworks. Remora knelt down next to Tigershark.

“Here, I’ll tell you a bedtime story. Have you heard The Snow Queen before?”

Tigershark shook her head.

“It’s a great one, a fairy tale from the same author of The Little Match Girl. My favorite part is in the beginning when Kai gets glass shards in his eyes.”

“WHAT?!” Tigershark cried out.

Remora looked around. “What? Was it something I said? I don’t get it. It’s just a fairy tale.”

What kind of fairy tale involves glass shards being put in people’s eyes? I mean, sounds like a really cool fairy tale, especially if Remora liked it. Like, something I would want to read right away and think of her all the while. But that still begs the question, what business does a fairy tale like that have being so cool? No. Better question: would that be the kind of fairy tale to tell as a bedtime story?

“Heya Tiger, how about I tell you about the time Ray and I pulled off a heist at a royal ball?” Sunny suggested, which brightened the kid.

“Shark!” The kid replied.

“Hm?”

“Tiger and Shark! Because I’m a tiger that’s also a shark!”

Does...does she not know there’s an actual species of shark called the tiger shark? Oh, forget it.

While I wanted so bad to approach Remora in an attempt to say or do something to make her proud of me, to see me, I disregarded that goal. I already embarrassed myself for the night, so the way I saw it, my chance was over. Instead, I turned to Sunny.

“Hey Sunny, before you go to tell her your story, can I ask you something?” I leaned over to make sure Tigershark wasn’t around. Maybe it would be great if Remora was, though. She could hear my idea and maybe she’d be proud of me.

No. Enough with that. Focus.

“Sure thing!” Sunny replied, chipper as ever.

“I’ve been giving it some thought, and I think the best way to figure out what kind of weapon I’d want would be to meet this blacksmith friend of yours. I mean, no matter what, I’ll need to train myself to utilize whatever I choose, so I may as well figure out what I’d like to train myself with, yeah?”

“Hell yeah! That’s the spirit!” I was blown away by Sunny’s enthusiasm.

“So can I go? Like, right now? Hmm?”

Sunny turned around and called out to Tigershark, “I’ll be just a couple minutes, okay little tangerine?”

Little tangerine? Oh. Right. Orange hair.

“I’m glad you’re so eager to go, but it’s a little late. Shouldn’t you try to get some sleep first? Besides, Remora and I are still going to be visiting Ray in the hospital periodically, so it would be better if you stayed here so you could watch Tigershark for now.”

Right. Crap. Slow and steady and all that. Responsibility sure liked to put a halt on things.

“We could just alternate. It’s not like we both have to go there at the same time,” Remora chimed in.

Eep. Was she still there the whole time? Did she hear me?

“Oh! You’re right!” Sunny snapped her fingers.

I turned around. Still towered over me, like a titan, Remora stood.

“Yeah, I heard the conversation,” she answered before I could even ask. “It’s a good excuse to get out of the house, and the fresh air might clear your head. Maybe you’ll come back with a new perspective on things.”

I didn’t know what any of that meant. All that registered was, “you have my approval.” I think that’s all the takeaway I needed.

With that, Sunny told me how I could get there and I was off within the next few minutes. Yes. You heard right.

When I awoke, I stepped out of the submarine and onto the docks of the town of Olympia. All around me was a thick, deep purple air which signified nightfall.

“Wow, that was fast!” I remarked. “It’s still night and everything!”

The ferryman poked his head out of the door of the submarine, his head covered with nylon mesh, presumably to obscure his face.

“Actually, this took about a day and a half. Even accounting for time zones,” he corrected me. Sheesh. You mean I had to pay someone AND get corrected? What lousy service.

“Well, thanks again,” I waved, and the submarine lowered itself back under the waters.

Once it disappeared, I dug into my pocket and pulled out the note that Sunny wrote for me:

“After you arrive in Olympia, you’re gonna wanna look for Hephaestus. Any other blacksmith and you know you’re gonna get a shoddy job. But Hephy’s a cool dude. Charges a high price, but considering the quality of his craft, it’s all worth it. I stashed some money in your other pocket. Should be enough to get you something small. Anyway, have fun, stay safe, and remember to keep a coin on you so you can pay the ferryman to bring you back home!

Sincerely, Sunny.”

Sunny sure came in clutch. I’d have to thank her when I returned. But for the moment, my main objective was a simple one: seek out Hephaestus’ shop.

Past the rows of houses with their dim orange glows, I looked for any signs of a shop that might still be open. That was the first clue. Not that it made it any easier. The further I walked, the more clear it was that Olympia wasn’t like your typical city and more like one of those small coastal towns that didn’t get a lot of visitors.

After a while, I found it: a wood building that didn’t stand out from any of the others, but held the sign above its door ‘Hephaestus’ shop’.

“Well, if that wasn’t any more obvious, I don’t know what would be,” I noted, before opening the door.

As soon as I walked in, I sneezed. The air was quite dusty, cobwebs all over the place. My attention was drawn not toward the weapons, but a lamp which rested on the counter of the shop. Its glow illuminated the room, although not by much. Absent was any sign of a blacksmith. Not that I could blame the guy, seeing as it was whatever ‘o clock.

“Hello?” I called out. No one answered. No one appeared.

So while I waited for someone to show up, I took a look around at the weapons on the walls. There were swords and axes of all varieties on the walls. Broad, long, thin, thick. If you could name it, it was probably there.

“I feel like I deserve a sword, but those things tend to be heavier than they look,” as noted by my one attempt at holding one.

There were other things to consider. Like bows. Or spears. Halberds? Lances? The possibilities really were dizzying.

“Can I help you?” Boomed a low voice with a thick Mediterranean accent.

“Eep!” I jumped. Startled, my hairs standing on end, I turned around and saw an old hairy guy whose body resembled a slab of meaty muscle more than a human’s body. Like, such a thing shouldn’t have been possible, yet it was. Really, it was incredible, but not in a “wow, that’s so cool” sort of way, and more like “I bet if I shaved off his beard he’d look like a giant thing of meatloaf”. In case it wasn’t obvious, that sort of thing really wasn’t my cup of tea.

“Are you going to keep standing there looking dumb, or what?” He bellowed.

“Yes! Er...I’m interested in your wares!”

“Anything in particular that you’re looking for?” He asked. That was a toughie.

I looked around. Nothing really spoke to me.

“I was thinking like a sword, but because of my size and my lack of strength, that may prove difficult. Fantasy novels really make it look a lot easier than it really is, y’know? Like, you got kids picking up swords and slaying dragons and here I am, an ex-college student…” Crap. I was rambling.

“So a short sword? A dagger?”

Oh. Those were things. I totally forgot.

“Something like that. Totally.”

He pointed down.

Under the counter was a glass case where short swords, daggers, and all other pokey things lay.

“Hmm...Hmm…”

Well, Sunny specifically gave me enough money to get myself something small, so I may as well be searching here anyway. Oh! That one! It’s got a really nice look to it and I like the asymmetry! Because everyone knows that symmetry doesn’t make for ‘cool’.

“I like that one!” I pointed at the knife which piqued my interest. It wasn’t just the way the steel was crafted. No, it was that the handle was coated in a purple finish! “A yakut knife?” He asked, as if telling the name would make me reconsider.

“I don’t know what that is, but yeah.”

He smiled and shook his head. “Ah, that one takes me back a few years when I went to visit a friend in Siberia. He showed me how to make those knives. Fun times. Later, we made love.”

Did he have to add that last bit?

“Um. Yeah. Can I buy it?”

He nodded while continuing to smile. Great. I had the old dude in dreamland.

I fished (no pun intended) the money out of my pocket and handed it to him. He sifted through each note and then broke the news.

“You’re short,” he told me and handed the money back.

Like, yeah. We all know that. No need to rub it in.

“Am I some kind of joke to you?” I shot back.

“I’m talking about change. You’re short a few euros.”

Dammit, Sunny.

“Can you give me some kind of ‘newbie discount’?” I knew that wasn’t such a thing, but I had to try my luck with something.

“No can do. If you got your sights set on that one, come back when you have enough cash.”

“How much more do I need, anyway?”

He leaned over and whispered the amount into my ear. In response, I whispered, “fuck.”

“Well, jeez, man. Anything I can do to make enough money around here? I don’t wanna return to Sunny empty handed.”

“Did you say ‘Sunny’?” He asked, and I thought my tides were about to turn in my favor.

“Yep. She said you were the real deal and that you could hook a gal up.”

“That explains why you would want an arctic knife…” he muttered.

Oh huh. I just learned something new. Maybe I could tell Remora when I got back to the diner.

“Yeah. Brr…” I shivered for added effect.

“In that case, it will be about a thousand euros more.”

“What?!”

“Sunny owes me a lot of money. Last time she was here, she got drunk and got in a shootout which resulted in my forge getting wrecked.”

GOD-DAMMIT, SUNNY!

“Anyway, to answer your question, you could always check out the bulletin board in the local tavern. Sometimes people post requests there. Work enough odd jobs, and I’m sure you can afford this beauty.”

What am I in? An RPG?

“Yeah. Totally. No problem. I’ll be back in a day. Two days tops. Maybe a week at most. Let’s just say two weeks, for the sake of leeway.”

“Fine by me. See you around.”

This was supposed to be a simple trip. Of course it couldn’t just be about one thing, could it? Ah, but I should have known when Sunny explained how I would get to Olympia:

“My blacksmith friend lives in a place called Olympia. Now, I know you’re excited to go, but as I said, it’s late; there’s not a plane that would take you there at this hour,” she told me. “Besides, there’s only one way to get there from here and it’s via the ferryman.”

“The what?” I asked her.

Sunny went on to explain further:

“He’s a mysterious figure who operates a submarine. It’s said that no matter where you are, if you drop one of his coins into the ocean, he’ll show up and take you to Olympia.”

“That sounds weird. Are you just pulling my leg?”

“Afraid not. Plus, due to his secretive nature, he requires every passenger be unconscious if they wish to ride in his submarine. So if you want to go now, I’ll have to sedate you. Then, he requires the passenger wrapped in cloth.”

Remora spoke up, and be still, my heart, in my defense: “if this isn’t a joke, then it’s sus at best.”

“Ain’t disagreeing with ya there. But rules are rules. So what do you say, sprout?”

“When did I become a ‘sprout’?” I groaned. And yes. That did seem sus. But I was willing to give it a try nonetheless. “Anyway, yeah. Go ahead.”

Whatever I had to lose, I decided to take my chances.

I trudged myself back out onto the streets. Well, I suppose it wasn’t a total loss. I could probably stay at a motel for a bit with the money Sunny gave me.

Okay, sorry. I know you can’t read my thoughts, but I was just a little frustrated back there. You’ve still been a huge help, Sunny.

While an inn would’ve been a great idea, I decided against it. The way I saw it, I’ve already been asleep for a day and a half, and besides, I was hungry and the night was still young. So off to the tavern I went. I pulled out the map app on my phone and let my legs do the rest. Within the hour, I was there. In the rowdy and chaotic atmosphere that was a tavern.

“What’ll it be?” The server asked as I stood next to the bulletin board. I didn’t pay the server much mind, but I knew I needed to order something.

“Give me a hard water.”

“On the rocks?”

I waved my hand away, with a €20 note in between my fingers.

“Just a hard water with ice, please. I don’t need any rocks in my drink.”

Now that that was out of the way, all my focus was on the bulletin board. Most of these paid very little for very demanding tasks. Things like helping some folks with yard work to someone looking to buy loaves of fish. None of those were of much interest to me, save for one request: “help me find my family’s necklace. Willing to pay over €1,000,000 to whoever brings it back. Call this number for more details.”

Now, I was on that shit. As soon as I saw the post, my thumb found itself planted firm on the dial pad. Not even half a minute later, someone picked up.

“Hello?” Answered the voice of a middle-aged lady. Her husky voice reminded me of those femme fatale type characters in action movies. Or a phone sex operator. There was no in between.

“Um. I think I may have gotten the wrong number? Hold on.” I pulled the phone away from my ear. Nope. Same number that was on the poster. “Or maybe I didn’t? I don’t know.”

Thick laughter followed. Her voice was alluring, not going to lie. However, it was in one of those kind of upper-class refined type voices where they really let each syllable marinate.

“Is this about my family’s necklace?” She asked once she calmed down.

“Yes. Er. Did you ever find it? Still need help looking?”

She began to sob, something I did not expect.

“No...it’s still missing,” she said at last. “Please. I think it would help if we talked more in person. I’ll text you my address.”

“Sounds good. See you in a bit.”

I hung up and saw that there was a new message.

That was fast.

I copied the address and pasted it into the maps app, then headed down there. To think that she would let me into her humble abode so late at night...I had to be careful. It could have been a trap.

Relax. It’s just to get more info about the mission...er...request. I better not act all timid like this once I show up at her place. I gotta act professional.

When I arrived at the address, I was awestruck. Despite how much money she was offering, she didn’t live in some big mansion. Well, maybe it was like a small mansion. I think my mom would’ve called it a condo. I had to climb up a long flight of stairs in order to reach the front door, and when I did so, I knocked.

The door opened to reveal a woman with curled silver-gray hair which didn’t even extend to her shoulders. She had long, curled fingernails, which I only noticed because of how hideously long they were. Just as she was. Like, really? Why did everyone have to be so tall in comparison to me?

“Come on in,” she beckoned, her lips curled into a smile.

I followed her in and she sat in a plush chair. Next to her chair was a small table where an ashtray lay.

“You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?”

Yes! I mind so much! If I get breathing problems because of you, I’ll take that necklace and shove it --

“Not at all,” I shook my head. I had to keep my cool.

I watched her lift up a long stick and inhale, then blew out smoke from it. The scent was rather perfumey and not what I would have expected from tobacco.

“Um. What are you smoking, by the way?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s patchouli scented.” It took me a sec, but then I just had to follow up on that.

“Wait. Are you smoking incense?”

“I don’t know,” she looked away. “I’m distraught.”

Clearly.

“My condolences,” I replied. Intrusive thoughts would be the death of me.

“Thank you,” she set down the incense stick and crossed her arms. “Now, let’s get into business, shall we?”

“Yes. Let’s.”

“As you know, the necklace I lost is an important family heirloom. I hope to have many children one day and have them all fight to the death to see which one will receive it.”

I...what? No. Never mind. She was probably joking. I mean, that wasn’t how the necklace was passed down to her, was it? Of course not. That would have been ridiculous.

“When was the last time you saw it?” I pressed on. If I was going to play detective, I had to ask the real questions.

“Just a few nights ago, it was in its glass case next to my bed post. The next morning, gone. Along with my husband.”

Again. What?

“OK. You never mentioned anything about a husband.”

“Oh yeah. If not for him, I’d already have many kids. He’s always running off looking for the next lay. Catch my drift?”

Yes, but I really wanted to focus on the necklace.

I nodded along. That was for the best.

“If he’s constantly cheating on you, why don’t you just divorce him?”

“Because, dear. Everything that’s his is also mine. Which extends to his mistresses.”

Oh. It was that kind of relationship.

The more I learn, the less I want to. Could we PLEASE get back to the mystery of the missing necklace?

“So do you think your husband took the necklace to impress someone new?” I asked. There. Nice segue, nice save.

“No,” she dispelled that theory. “He’s not so shallow as to try to impress others with material goods. The stolen necklace and my missing husband are unrelated.”

Oh. My. Gods. I so wanted to bash my head against an invisible wall. But I held back.

“So any idea on what happened to it, then?”

She gave a short nod before giving her reply.

“You have to understand, this accessory is worth a fortune. I suspect it’s the work of thieves.”

Ah. There we go. That made sense.

“If that’s the case, they may already be far away from here.”

“Thankfully, I know for a fact that they’re still in town. I almost caught the thieves, but they were well armed, and me, being a poor defenseless lady.”

“Got it. Where did you last spot them?”

She looked around the room all absentminded. I decided to do the same. One key detail stood out to me: the vases, the clocks on the walls, the furniture, it all had this vintage and antiquated feel. It probably wasn’t because she was all that old. Maybe she just wanted to give off this vibe of living all high class and didn’t feel the need to live in some huge place.

“Over next to a warehouse by the docks. They may have moved locations since.”

That made sense. If they were spotted once, why would they stay in the same place. But for real, those must have been some lousy thieves if they thought staying in the same town altogether was a good idea. That mission was going to be a piece of cake. I pointed my thumb toward myself and grinned.

“You’re in luck I showed up! I’m a professional when it comes to this sort of thing!”

“So I can count on you, then?” Her voice, a pleading but hopeful echo. As if I were her potential savior. Finally, it was my time to shine.

“That’s right! Or my name isn’t Demisexual!”

She tilted her head. “Demisexual?”

“Er...it’s my superhero name. It’s a work in progress.”

“It sure is an attention grabber.”

“What about you? Is there a name I should call you?”

Her head bobbed. Tipsy? Maybe. Or maybe the incense fumes have gotten to her. “We’re close enough that you can call me by my first name, yes?”

Not really. This is just for a job. But go ahead.

“Sure,” I shrugged.

“I’m Hera.”

As soon as she uttered those two words, it was like something snapped within me. All the blunt force thoughts I’ve done my best to keep in. My best not to be ridiculous. My best not to comment on the ridiculous. It was all culminating in this moment.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I aired out my complaint.

“What? Is something wrong?”

“Come on! I was passed out as a ferryman took me here, first off! Then I arrived in Olympia! Then I meet a blacksmith called Hephaestus! Then there’s you! Oh, I should’ve seen your name coming when you mentioned your husband, but I was sooooo focused on recovering that necklace! Let me guess: your husband’s name is Zeus?”

“How’d you know?”

“Lucky guess. I mean, it couldn’t possibly be that I stepped into Ancient Greece Reference Land, could it?”

She let out a heavy sigh, and then smiled.

“Deary, I cannot speak for any blacksmiths. That kind of thing’s not something I’m interested in. But as for my husband and I, let me assure you that it’s just a coincidence. While not the most common, there are many people in the world with the name Hera. It would be an insult to them to suggest their names could be chalked up to a reference.”

“Yeah,” I looked down. “I’m sorry about that. I’ll still get that necklace, though!”

“I await your return, hun,” she replied as she saw me off. Really, I shouldn’t have snapped like that. She seemed like a nice enough lady.

As I raced back down the stairs, I decided I needed to pay Hephaestus another visit.

“Hey Heph...Heph…!” Ack. I needed to catch my breath. I really did race back to the shop.

He emerged from the back of his shop, still the same mass of muscle upon muscle.

“What can I do for you? Got the money?” He got right down to business. Guess it made sense. He did own a business, after all.

“Actually, I was wondering if there was something else I could afford.” I handed him the money once more.

“Hmm…” He gave it some thought. Then pulled out a stiletto. “You can have this. It didn’t take me long to make.”

“Good! I’ll take what I can get!” I snatched it away from him.

“So no longer interested in the yakut knife?” He asked.

“Oh no, I still am. And I’m going to get it. I just took a job and it’s going to pay me plenty. But I gotta have something to defend myself with.”

“Look, whatever you got going on, just leave me out of it. I’ve got a reputation to uphold. I’m a craftsman, not an arms dealer.”

“Not a problem! See ya!” I ran back out to embark on my investigation.

Now let’s see...she said a warehouse along the docks, right? They probably weren’t there anymore, but it still seemed like a good idea to check. Eventually I reached a series of white marble buildings which served as a great contrast to the night sky. If I had to grade it, I’d give it a B+ for the composition, even though really, the architecture work was boring.

As I approached the warehouse buildings (I mean, I have to assume that’s what they were), I heard voices around the corner. I clung to the building and listened in on their conversation:

“So did you hear Jerry and his guys are in the hospital right now?”

Huh. Jerry. That name reminds me of that guy whose foot I shot. Probably a coincidence, though.

“What? Really?”

“Yeah, apparently Sunny’s got herself an apprentice now. Some unhinged college student or something like that.”

Oh. Nope. It’s the same Jerry. Well, that’s cool, I guess. Wait. What was that last bit? ‘Unhinged’? Really?

“Dang. Every time it seems someone’s got an upper hand on Sunny, she pulls a trick like that.”

Hello? Where’s my recognition? Oh, whatever. At least I was building up a reputation now.

“Well, now that we’ve stolen this necklace from that snobbish woman, we’ll be swimming in bread.”

Necklace! Snobbish woman! That must mean Hera’s necklace! I have to find a way to sneak around and take it back!”

Right when I took a step back, I kicked back a pebble. Just a little. Measly. Pebble.

“Huh? What was that?” One of the thieves asked. Alerted.

It was always the little things that gave someone away, wasn’t it? If I wasn’t being so literal, that would have been poetic. Instead, it was pathetic.

Great. New objective: run. Hide. Get out of there before you get caught.

But just as I turned around and bolted away, I bumped into someone and fell onto the ground.

The ‘someone’ in question was a big and burly man with a big burlap sack and a black and white shirt along with a black and white pair of pants.

“What do we have here?” He asked, in that big burly voice.

“Ow, me bum,” I winced.

Behind me ran the footsteps of the two who I heard conversing with each other. I turned around and crawled over to face two, no, three men in grey business suits and raybans on (if that was their idea of concealing their identity, it was a terrible fashion choice). One of the three stepped forward and pointed a pistol down at me.

“Say, aren’t you the apprentice of Sunny I’ve heard so much about?” He asked. Presumably, the leader. In spite of him holding a gun, I was more concerned about the guy behind me. That guy could’ve grabbed me and held me in place while the skinny one with the gun shot me down. But the skinny one? Yeah, I could take that dude.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I turned my head and spat on the ground.

“Oh? Acting all tough, are you? You’re surrounded.”

Shit. He’s right.

“Now, tell me what you’re up to and maybe I’ll let you walk away.”

“I came for the necklace,” I relented. At least I growled while doing so. Had to sound tough somehow.

He began to laugh, and the other three joined in.

“So you think just because you’re an apprentice of Sunny, you think you can do whatever you want now?” He still had that gun pointed at me, but I didn’t care. I had to set the record straight (even if the rest of me wasn’t).

“I’m not an apprentice! I’m a bonafide vigilante! You can call me Demisexual!”

They all looked at each other. Confused. Greeeaaaat.

“Demisexual?” The leader asked.

“Look, it’s a work in progress. It’ll catch on.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the necklace, dangled it above my head. All the while, his other hand held onto that pistol.

“This what you wanted? You thought you could play hero for some rich woman who wouldn’t even be able to tell if her necklace was replaced with a counterfeit?”

“Actually,” I corrected. “I thought I could play antihero, but I guess I’m not good at that one, either.”

At first, their expressions were blank stares, but then they burst into laughter. Great. I was the butt of all jokes wherever I went. Well, I figured I may as well make the most of a painful moment and make things even more painful. So while they were all distracted, I reached up and with one hand, grabbed onto his wrist which held his gun, and then I let the stiletto slip out from my sleeve and plunged it right into his arm. The sensation left him screaming and he dropped the necklace.

Damn, I didn’t think it would cut through his skin that deep. For such a small weapon, it sure did its job. Still, I will miss it. To think I had to part with it so soon all because it’s lodged into some guy’s arm.

Now, I had to act fast. No doubt the others also had guns. Not only that, but the big guy behind me tried to grab me, but I jumped out of the way and took off with the necklace in my hands.

As I bolted further into the shipyards, I ran between two warehouse buildings and into an alleyway. There was still gunfire behind me and I was just grateful none of them managed to hit, let alone graze me.

Once in the alleyway, I noticed a wall, and I felt my luck run out. It wouldn’t take them long to find me, as it wasn’t like I ran very far, and I couldn’t just turn around. All I had to my advantage was a dumpster which I could possibly hide inside, but ew. I had standards.

However, I noticed along the wall next to the dumpster, there were little gaps that I might have been able to climb up.

It’s a long shot. I mean, that temple was one thing, but I’m not much of a climber. Still, I’ll take my chances.

So I stashed the necklace into my pocket and began climbing. I thought I would lose my balance several times within the short minute it took, but I held on as tight as I could, even as the marble from the walls scratched against my palms.

One moment later, the gang of thieves ran into the alleyway.

“Where’d she go? I could have sworn she ran in here?”

“Dude, check the dumpster. She may have been crazy enough to hide in there.”

Ha. Glad I didn’t dirty myself up thinking that was a good place to hide.

I poked my head down from the rooftop. Those guys really were looking every which way but up. I slunk back down and pulled the necklace out of my pocket.

The more I examined it, the more pretty I thought of it. The little sapphire beads and the red brooch that lay in the middle. It reminded me of one of those cursed amulets you’d see in movies.

I wonder if Remora would be proud of me. Maybe she’d pat my head and say, “good job.”

Maybe it was the exhaustion setting in, but I continued to stare at the thing. Then, knowing that those guys didn’t find me, it was all so hilarious. I couldn’t help but to laugh as well.

“Hey! She’s up on the roof!” I heard one of them yell.

“Damn it!” I hissed. Right when I thought things were going my way.

“Let’s split up and go around each side. I’ll go inside and climb up to the rooftop. Either way, we’ll get her.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. No!

I ran toward the far end of the rooftop and looked down, behind the alleyway. There was a whole sea of shipping containers strewn about the place, which gave off the appearance of a maze.

They haven’t reached the other side yet. I’ll climb down and lose them in those shipping containers.

Again, long shot. But it worked once, so no reason why it couldn’t work again, right?

Once I went about getting myself down, however, it proved to be a different story; I hung from the ledge of the rooftop and moved my legs about, trying to find a place to prop my foot on. To no avail. My hands began to slip and I fell down.

How come this was easier in the temple?

What I fell onto wasn’t the ground, however. Instead, I found myself in the arms of yet another large muscled man. This one looked like he was a good five hundred pounds. His entire face was covered in hair. Beard, mustache, sideburn, all that. Oh, and he was shirtless.

“Ew! Ew! Let go of me!” I squirmed. He set me down.

“Whoa there! I just saw you were in trouble and figured you could use some help!”

“I was doing just fine! If I wanted to fall off a tall building, that’s my choice!” Seriously. What was up with my luck?

“Say, you’re kinda cute,” he remarked. Even worse. Now I had some guy in his 50s (probably) hitting on me. Totally uncool.

“Sorry. I’m only into strong women. Not strong men. Also I’d prefer if they were my age. And their name started with an ‘R’.”

He lowered his head and smiled. “Ah, I see you are a woman of culture as well.”

“Uh-huh. Culture. Right,” I had no idea what he was talking about. But before I could linger in my confusion, the voices of the thieves rang through my ears.

“It’s her! Get her!”

Actually, maybe this would be a good opportunity to get away from the creepy dude.

“Look, dude. Thanks for not letting me die and all, but I gotta bolt.”

So I slipped into the maze of shipping containers. I knew they’d follow me in there, so I took off the jacket I had been wearing and threw it on one end of the maze while I ran in the other direction.

“She went that way!” I heard them yell. It seemed my idea worked. Soon I would be out of this place and back toward Hera to deliver her necklace. My pace picked up as soon as I saw an opening and the outline of houses came into view. I was so close toward freedom.

– Then gunfire rang through the air. Followed by screams.

I froze in my tracks. I always forgot how loud, how startling that sound could be. I turned around. Of course they weren’t anywhere near me. Yet questions swam through my mind.

“Who shot who?”

“Am I next?”

Those questions repeated with greater intensity as I heard footsteps approach. Next to me, one of the doors to a shipping container was open. I slipped inside and closed the door behind me.

“That’ll teach those thieves,” a familiar husky voice seeped through the air.

No way. That couldn’t be.

“Did you really have to kill them, hun?” That sounded like the shirtless old man. Wait. No. It was all coming together.

“Those guys would’ve tried to kill me if they knew I was trying to take my necklace back. Besides, it’s not hard to dispose of their bodies.”

“Hey hun, been a while, huh?”

“Who all have you been sleeping with now?” Her voice sounded more gruff than earlier. More serious. Almost like Remora’s.

“Uhh…”

“You know our arrangement. You can sleep with whoever you want, so long as the person is also someone I’d be interested in sleeping with. Of course, they’d also have to be okay with us as a group.”

“Oh, no need to worry about that! I’ve found some potential candidates! For sure! I’ve not made any moves yet, though. I wanted you to be there with me!”

It was definitely them. How I wish I could block out their conversation.

“Strange. My tracker says the necklace is nearby, but I haven’t spotted it. I didn’t even spot any of those thieves with it.”

She had a tracker? Really? Was I just used as bait or something? If I held onto the necklace, would I be next? Was there never going to be a reward?

My mind raced, but I thought up an idea; I reached into my pocket and pulled out a phone, then I texted Hera:

Me: I got the necklace! I stashed it away in a container, but I’ll meet you at your place and then we can go back and get it together!

I felt like a fool. There was no way that would work, was there? Well…

“Oh. I got a text. Looks like she hid it somewhere near us.”

“Who?” Zeus (I presume) asked.

“My little helper. Seeing as I caught you holding her in your arms, I take it you already met her. Flirting and everything.”

“You got it wrong! She’s not my type! She’s small! And gay!”

That’s right! I wanted to shout out for joy, but I knew better.

“How deplorable. To think you would stoop so low as to go after someone who wouldn’t be attracted to you.”

“Anyway, should we stay here and keep looking or go home?” He deflected.

“Let’s go home. I’d rather make her show us where she hid it than be out here all night.”

Yes! It worked!

As soon as I heard them walk away, I opened the door and poked my head out just to make sure the coast was clear. Once I was sure it was, I decided to follow through on my end and meet the two there.

I huffed and puffed as I made my way up the stairs. I thought that with all my running, maybe I could’ve made it back to their house before them. I was proven wrong when I opened the door and saw each of them seated in that chair. To be more precise, Hera was sitting in Zeus’ lap. I really wish I could have erased the image from my mind.

“Hey...hey…” I waved while hunched down with my hands on my knees and gasping for breath.

“Drink some water, dear,” Hera suggested.

Did I ever take that water I asked for when I was in that tavern? If not, then I really am a fool, now aren’t I?

“Just...just a sec,” I tried to breathe a little slower.

“So, you retrieved the necklace?” She asked.

“Yeah. Just like I said I would. It was a bit tough. Those thieves really did a number on me, but I –”

“Good. Hand it over.”

“Huh? I can’t do that. I left it back at the shipyard. Just like the text said. We can go there right now and I’ll show you.”

Hera and Zeus looked at each other, and I wished I wasn’t looking at them. Then, Hera looked back at me.

“Come on. You can drop the act,” Hera smiled as if she were about to dig into a meal. “I know it’s in your pocket.”

“What?” I reached into my pocket. So it was. It seemed that in my carelessness, I forgot to leave the necklace behind. Well, the cat was out of the bag. I pulled the necklace out. “How’d you know?”

“There’s a tracking device hidden within the brooch. But you already heard me say as much back at the shipyard, didn’t you?”

I gulped.

Congratulations, Demetria. You played yourself.

“Are you going to kill me now?” My voice grew fearful, desperate. “Is it because of your husband? Or because I lied to you? Or maybe just because I have your necklace and you want it back?”

The two looked at each other yet again. I was expecting laughter. It did seem to be a recurring theme of the night.

You know, now that I think of it, those two remind me a bit of Sunny and Ray. Except less tolerable. If anything, they made me appreciate Sunny and Ray’s presence all that much more.

“Hey hun, isn’t she just adorable?” Hera asked Zeus.

“She is,” Zeus agreed.

This is gross. If you’re going to kill me, just do it without the humiliation.

Hera turned her attention back to me. “Now dear, why would I kill you? We had an arrangement, didn’t we? You would return the necklace, and I would reward you.”

“Yeah, but what about those thieves? You killed them.”

“Yes, because they stole something from me. But you intend to give the necklace back, don’t you?”

“That-” I struggled to find the words. I knew better than to act badass. I had lost the one weapon I managed to purchase. There was nothing in my environment that I could use to my advantage. Still, I already came that far. “That depends: will you kill me once I hand it to you? ‘Cause if you’re going to kill me either way, I’ll just swallow the necklace.”

Hera laughed up a storm. There it was. The laughter I expected at any moment. But I was serious.

“I will not kill you, dear. Promise,” she crooned. I still wasn’t totally convinced.

“Sign a contract, then! Saying that you won’t try to kill me!” I barked.

“Very well.” Hera pulled out some pen and paper out from a drawer in the table where the ashtray lay. I stared at her, and all the while, she scribbled down on the sheet of paper. She stopped to ask me my name.

“Demisexual,” I told her. She shook her head, her crooked smile never waved.

“Come on. We’re all friends here. You can tell me.”

I hesitated.

“Tell you what: I’ll add an addendum to the contract. Stating that whoever you are, I will not use your name to track you down. If your name is such a secret, then you can rest assured that your secret is safe in this home.”

I gulped. “Demetria,” I told her. “Demetria Root.”

“See? Now that wasn’t so hard, Demetria, now was it?” She crooned once more. It really irked me.

She went back to writing down the ‘contract’, then took a picture of it on her phone and texted it to me. It stated: “I, Hera Juneau, hereby declare that I will not make an attempt on one Demetria Root’s life.”

I approached her and set the necklace down on the table. In response, she chuckled.

“Oh, Demetria. It’s adorable how easily trusting you are. If I was less reputable, I wouldn’t have honored such a hastily scribbled contract. I would have shredded it, shot you, then destroyed your phone and disposed of your body.”

“Hey! You said!”

“Relax. I am the type to honor contracts, however they come about. Besides, just as I said, I wasn’t going to kill you.”

Whew. Okay. Maybe I was a little quick to jump to conclusions.

“Not to mention,” she added. “You were fun. It was entertaining watching you run around.”

“Um. Thanks?”

“You may be interested to know, but I used to accept contracts all the time. Back when I was in my prime, I lived as an assassin. Both Zeus and I. That’s how we met, in fact.”

My jaw dropped. “You mean...like, you got paid to kill people? Did you take pleasure in that sort of thing?”

She closed her eyes and nodded.

“It wasn’t so much that I enjoyed it, but I was good at what I did and I enjoyed doing my job well.”

“I see.” Yeah. I was still in dangerous territory. “But you quit? You’re done with that life now?” I asked. Naive as ever.

“I wouldn’t say I quit. Those who quit tend to find themselves on the wrong side of a contract. But...in a roundabout way, they laid me off. Technically, I would still be employed by them, except after a certain age, they decided I wasn’t as good as I used to be and stopped offering me contracts. I’ve tried to settle down, but it’s not been easy.”

Huh. I could imagine.

“Oh!” It looked like she had one of those lightbulb moments. “Now that I think of it, I think you have the potential to make a fine assassin, yourself, Demetria.”

I shook my head. “Hell no. I’m not about to kill people for money.”

“That’s a shame. Not to say you would make a fine assassin now, but give it a year, and I’m sure you would. But that’s okay. I don’t want to force a career down the younger generation. Hmm…” She placed her finger on her chin. “Maybe you could have been a janitor.”

“Excuse me?”

She waved her hand away. “That’s just what they’re called. Or were called. Last I heard, they all got wiped out. Seems someone killed them all. Shame, too.”

“I’m pretty sure there’s still custodians around,” I pointed out.

She laughed her villainous laugh. “No, dear. Janitors were like assassins. Called such because they would go around and ‘clean up other people’s messes’. Many of them weren’t even killers. If you had a niche to fill that they could utilize, you could have been among their ranks.”

That actually did sound pretty cool. But it was too bad those people didn’t exist.

“How did one become a ‘janitor’ anyway?” Oh no. I was sucked in.

“If they wanted you to be one, they would come to you and make you one. That’s how they worked. Went across multiple universes searching for their candidates. It really was a doozy, from what I heard.”

Multiple universes? Really? Did anyone really believe that sci-fi nonsense? It was just like that Tony guy I met at Ray’s diner that one time.

“Anyway,” Hera seemed ready to wrap up our deal. Good. So was I. “How would you like your money? As a check? Wired to you?”

Good! She’s still going to stick with that, too! I’ll be rich! But wait...I don’t need to be rich. I just want a cool weapon.

“Actually...I have something else in mind.” After I told her what that something else was, she agreed, and we saw each other off. As glad as I was to get rid of her, I couldn’t help but feel just a little bit excited. After all, I got to fight some guys, and I got to have a weapon for a short while. Oh! And I learned some lore!

It was about a couple days later in which I returned to the diner. I didn’t remember how I acquired a red sweater vest and yet I was wearing one.

“Huh?” I remarked. “Maybe the ferryman put it on me while I was asleep.”

Before I could really take in my surroundings, Tigershark ran up and hugged me.

“Yay! Babysitter!”

I looked down.

“That’s what I am now? Since when?”

Sunny appeared in frame with a big ol’ smile on her face.

“Since you got back! Now that you’re back, I’m going back to the hospital to visit Ray!”

Jeez. I just got back like five minutes or so ago and already Sunny was leaving.

“Aren’t you gonna ask me how it went?”

“Oh yeah! What weapon did you choose?” There we go. Now Sunny was excited.

“It’s a surprise! I don’t have one right now!”

Sunny’s face lowered. Disappointment was written all over.

“But that’s OK! Because I still managed to get something! Hephaestus said he’ll mail it here for me, so I can’t wait to show you when it gets here! He even threw in an extra weapon when I told her Hera got me the money. Though he looked a little scared when I did.”

“Hera?” Sunny tilted her head. “Hephy’s never mentioned anyone named Hera before. Wonder why.”

I shrugged. “Beats me! But yeah! It’ll be great!”

Sunny grinned. “Well, I’m glad you had fun, dear.”

I looked around the diner, but Remora was nowhere to be found. The most likely answer was that she was at the hospital with Ray at the moment, but I hoped to see her all the same. Even if she still wanted me to keep my distance.

I hoped I could tell her all about how my trip to Olympia went. Maybe one of these days.

[kodigriffinofficial20]

As promised here is the filled out version of the character sheet. I know it has been a whole day later but here it is.

“Extremely detailed character sheet template”

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Benjamin Rose Steven Rodgers

Reason or meaning of name: “Benjamin” was his grandfathers name (on his fathers side) “Rose” was his grandmothers name (on his mother’s side) and because his last name is Rodgers the family wanted to put Steven in there somewhere because of Captain America.

Character’s nickname: Captain of America.

Reason for nickname: He was in the military and because of last name and rank of Captain he was dubbed “Captain America”

Birth date: November 30th 2030

Physical appearance

Age: He is 29 at the beginning of my book.

How old does he/she appear: 25ish-ish

Weight: 265

Height: 6 foot 3

Body build: very muscular.

Shape of face: I don’t know, think Steven Amell-ish

Eye color: blue

Glasses or contacts: neither.

Skin tone: kinda light but tans well. Think Alycia debnam Carey

Distinguishing marks: I don’t remember any right now.

Predominant features: I don’t know what this means.

Hair color: brown

Type of hair: I don’t know, very over grown and long. you would have to read the book to understand why.

Hairstyle: I don’t know, very over grown and long. you would have to read the book to understand why.

Voice: kinda deep but not like James earl jones. Again think Steven Amell

Overall attractiveness: Again think Steven Amell mixed with Chris Evans and a little bit of grant gustin? I don’t know that’s what I see when I picture him anyway.

Physical disabilities: can’t draw, afraid of heights, overly sarcastic, bad luck, gets injured a lot, kinda clumsy.

Usual fashion of dress: prison clothes for now.

Favorite outfit: pajamas.

Jewelry or accessories: watch, AR-15, shotgun, .45 ACP, 9mm, m4 carbine, and Kevin.

Personality

Good personality traits: loyal, stubborn, fight till last dying breath, survivor, sarcastic, funny, a leader, wise, adapts well, a good friend, trusting, trustworthy, and Macgyver like.

Bad personality traits: stubborn, sarcastic, trusting, puts himself into danger to often, not cautious enough, unlucky, clumsy, self deprecating, impatient,

Mood character is most often in: sarcastic anger and story telling indifference.

Sense of humor: sarcastic, self deprecating, light hearted.

Character’s greatest joy in life: Kevin.

Character’s greatest fear: Heights.

Why? Because heights are freaking scary man, that’s why.

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?

There are a lot of different things that could happen that could do that. But I can’t say any of them without spoiling the book.

Character is most at ease when: petting Kevin while reading him a book.

Most ill at ease when: when Kevin takes to long to come back from his outings.

Enraged when: a crop dies or an earthquake happens.

Depressed or sad when: one of the birds dies or When thinking about everything that has happened to him.

Priorities: escape

Life philosophy: survival and petting Kevin (which was a new addition)

If granted one wish, it would be: freedom from where he is

Why? Because he doesn’t like it there

Character’s soft spot: Kevin or an old friend from the Army named Flash.

Is this soft spot obvious to others? If it’s Kevin than no because there are no others. If it’s Flash than yes it’s very obvious.

Greatest strength: his gun abilities.

Greatest vulnerability or weakness: heights.

Biggest regret: going to prison

Minor regret: not asking some questions of Certain people.

Biggest accomplishment: Winning the Medal of Honor/silver star/Purple Heart.

Minor accomplishment: Saving America

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: none that I have put into the book or can think of.

Why? Because I can’t think of any.

Character’s darkest secret: I can’t tell you that.

Does anyone else know? Not even me.

Just kidding, but no, literally no one on planet earth knows but me.

Goals

Drives and motivations: survival

Immediate goals: getting out of there.

Long term goals: finding out what happened then finding Jimmy and getting revenge.

How the character plans to accomplish these goals: by blowing stuff to smithereens and walking out and then hunting him down and shooting him in the face.

How other characters will be affected: they will also be shot in the face.

Past

Hometown: Denver Nebraska USA

Type of childhood: Nice? I don’t know what the question wants from me.

Pets: one golden retriever when he was six but it died when he was 13.

First memory: going to court with his father

Most important childhood memory: his parents dying when he was 14

Why: because his parents died when he was 14

Childhood hero: his “uncle” Greg

Dream job: Army soldier

Education: high school

Religion: Christian

Finances: very good.

Present

Current location: undisclosed location in in the USA

Currently living with: Kevin

Pets: several birds

Religion: Christian

Occupation: none

Finances: none

Family

Mother: dead

Relationship with her: none but before she died it was very good

Father: dead

Relationship with him: none but before he died it was very good

Siblings: none

Relationship with them: none

Spouse: none

Relationship with him/her: none

Children: none

Relationship with them: none

Other important family members: none

Favorites

Color: blue

Least favorite color: yellow

Music: Dan+Shay

Food: Chicken Alfredo, fried chicken, steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, cheddar and broccoli soup are his favorite foods.

Literature: anything by Jules Verne or Kodi Griffin

Form of entertainment: reading

Expressions: “We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it” or when asked how things are done or how he did that he replies “fermentation”

Mode of transportation: truck or walking

Most prized possession: Kevin or AR-15

Habits

Hobbies: working out, reading, meditating, listening to music, and writing in a journal.

Plays a musical instrument? The drums but that was a long time ago.

Plays a sport? American football back in high school.

How he/she would spend a rainy day: playing in the rain or on his bed reading with Kevin.

Spending habits: none anymore.

Smokes: absolutely not.

Drinks: occasionally but not really.

Other drugs: absolutely not.

What does he/she do too much of? Danger, working out, and reading.

What does he/she do too little of? Safety

Extremely skilled at: shooting, fighting, blowing things up, surviving, getting hurt, and petting Kevin.

Extremely unskilled at: doing nothing, waiting, art, and cooking.

Nervous tics: sarcasm and biting nails.

Usual body posture: that of a soldier but sometimes a teenager.

Mannerisms: Not really sure.

Peculiarities: I don’t know.

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? A realist which I guess means he leans more on the pessimist side

Introvert or extrovert? An introverted extrovert?

Daredevil or cautious? Daredevil

Logical or emotional? Logical

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Methodical and neath

Prefers working or relaxing? Working

Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Confident

Animal lover? Yes siree

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: wants himself to live confident about his looks and doesn’t care what people think about him or his looks.

One word the character would use to describe self: fighter

One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: “A survivor until the bitter end. A fighter for freedom, peace, justice, and the American way. And if all else fails kill everything I see and be the last one standing.”

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? His sense of humor

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? Judge of character.

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Eyebrows

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Hands

How does the character think others perceive him/her: He doesn’t care about what others think of him because he is his own man and his own self worth is what truly matters.

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: the way he approaches certain things

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: doesn’t like them all that much. yes people are needed but most of them he don’t care for

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Yes

Person character most hates: jimmy

Best friend(s): Flash and Kevin

Love interest(s): none, at any point in my book

Person character goes to for advice: none maybe Kevin

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Kevin

Person character feels shy or awkward around: none

Person character openly admires: Kevin

Person character secretly admires: Kevin

Most important person in character’s life before story starts: Flash

After story starts: Kevin

[dedicatedfollower467]

DIRK’S PESTERQUEST ROUTE REACTIONS AS THEY HAPPEN

spoilers etc. yada yada yada i’ve been waiting for this for fucking EVER.

this is fucking massive, for the record.

“The one and only” lmao suuuuuuure whatever you say dirk.

i fucking adore his metal scuba suit though holy SHIT

“[talking in meatspace] isn’t exactly my forte” akdfsljkadsfhksadf you bet your ASS it isn’t mr. strider. (at this point i’m assuming this is actually hal, wouldn’t be the first time that we met “dirk” and it turned out to be hal)

the power of his own “voice” is almost too much for him MY CHILD.

OH HELLO HAL. GOOD TO SEE YOU USING YOUR USUAL RED. LOVE THE THEME MUSIC CHANGE TOO. IT’S GOOD MUSIC.

i fucking KNEW it i fucking knew that was hal lmao

so in that case HI DIRK HELLO MY ASSHOLE BABY CHILD.

“The use of the speaker system is new, but it makes sense he’d up his game for interfering with relationships I’m busy forging in 3D. I guess I should go ahead and be proud of him for it.” god i really wish dirk and hal could get along but they both hate themselves and therefore each other way too much for that...

“Every line of muscle in his body is held in excruciating placidity. You’ve never seen a jaw so purposefully unclenched” dIRK!!!!

“you’ll prove it to him with your deeds. it seems like that might be his love language” BOY FUCKING HOWDY IS IT. also how did i never put that together before ofc dirk’s love language is acts of service practically everything he does is an attempt to serve his friends in some capacity and he’s SO BAD at telling them with words.

(his secondary love language is gifts, evidence: brobot and detective pony)

god i’m so excited and so nervous lmao

i love this sprite with the verrrrrry slight smile he looks so sweet.

hell yes the fucking ROCKET BOARD.

“this is a much more comfortable thing for him than the conversation was” I’LL FUCKING BET IT IS.

“with Dirk it’s almost like he’d be less penetrable without [his shades]” oh well now THAT’S an interesting thought/observation.

holy shit that’s a cute fucking smile holy shit holy shit look at that grin AHHHH I’M DYING MY BOY IS SMILING.

“Not sure how well my deep, personal beef with the imagery of the sea will land for you, but there it is.” WELL THAT CERTAINLY MAKES THAT ONE LINE FROM HOMESTUCK 2 A LOT MORE EMOTIONAL, WHICH IT ALREADY DEFINITELY FUCKING WAS.

“Ace Attorney monologue” OMFG HAS DIRK PLAYED AA??? WHO’S HIS FAVORITE CHARACTER? WHAT’S HIS FAVORITE GAME?? i mean he’s definitely got the hair to be a fucking ace attorney character especially in pesterquest lmao

OH MY FUCKING GOD IS HE HOLDING BACK A LAUGH. IS THAT WHAT THAT MOUTH IS. HOLY SHIT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE THIS ALKJADSFLADHADS

“He’s leaning forward, laughing, dimples carved into his freckled cheeks. There’s a small twist in your heart about it, and you can’t place why.” A *SMALL* TWIST? A SMALL TWIST? TRY A TWIST THAT’S WRENCHING MY HEART WIDE FUCKING OPEN AND SPILLING ITS CONTENTS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.

“At least make me try and earn it first.” THAT’S THE MOST DIRK THING I’VE EVER HEARD AND ALSO FUCKING HEARTBREAKING WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

“I can just fold [my hand] and hope your shit works out instead.” Ah yes, dirk’s incessant and almost pathological need to be in control at work again.

“I want to be the only one in charge of endangering my own life. You got me.” oh dirk. oh honey.

“How much has this boy wanted to be known?” oh okay yeah that’s fine i didn’t need my heart anyway pesterquest, you can have it.

oh. hi ultimate dirk. i fucking knew this was gonna fucking happen.

“i can’t believe i was ever this pathetic” LEAVE HIM ALONE. (but also i know you can’t because you fucking hate yourself and it’s fucking tragic)

OH. OH OKAY WE’RE NOT JUST GONNA BE FUCKING NARRATIVE WE’RE GONNA BRING THE ACTUAL FUCKING DUDE HERE.

AND WE’RE GONNA PLAY AN OMINOUS-ASS VERSION OF "BEATDOWN” HOLY SHIT. CHRIST CAN WE GET ANY MORE HEAVY HANDED HERE????

also holy shitting christ ultimate dirk is swole. ‘twink ass bitch’ my ass, he’s at least a twunk.

“You fuck off and let people live their arcs.” NO FUCKING WAY, NOT IF HIS IS GOING TO END UP AS YOU, DICKHEAD.

“Oh fuck.

You remember it.

You remember Homestuck.”

well, probably not all of it, it’s pretty goddamn long, and very hard to remember all the details. i should know, i’m currently re-reading it.

oh no.

oh no, this looks like regular dirk but ominous “beatdown” is playing which makes me very fucking nervous.

“You cared about him before you knew every tiny fucked up detail about his life, and now, with a reminder of where his story leads leaning smugly against the railing, you find you still do.” YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS I DO!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

“He’s intense and pushy and profoundly complicated, and right now he is helping you to your feet, his hand steady and firm on your back as you find your balance.” I’M CRYING.

“This isn’t as simple as an evil Dirk and a good one. If you’ve learned anything from your travels it’s that everyone has the capacity for hurt inside them, and everyone the capacity for love.” I’M STILL CRYING.

“The combo of all splinters of Dirk, fermenting in his flesh container and not holding onto his shit nearly as well as he likes to pretend” an apt and succinct description of ultimate dirk.

“No, I can see it. If anyone was going to pull off an “I’m you, but stronger,” it would be all of me, combined.” DIRK I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

“Your allegiance is not to the story, but to the people within it.” A-FUCKING-MEN MSPAR!!!

“The ends always justifies the means, Dirk.” I feel like that’s the breaking point there. IDK what’s going to happen next but that line sure was a line about philosophy, aka one of Dirk’s biggest special interests.

“[Ultimate Dirk] doesn’t have to work overtime to create more pain just so he can feel like he’s in control of how much punishment he gets and how badly he deserves it!”

oh.

oh wow.

oh WOW that’s hitting it on the fucking nose, MSPAR.

“He’s going to drown in [longing and loathing and Ultimate Dirk] if you don’t do something” STOP COMING BACK TO THAT GODDAMN LINE PESTERQUEST YOU’RE FUCKING KILLING ME HERE.

“You know how he loves -- though it’s fierce (to a definite fault), he does not do it easily.” STOP MURDERING MY HEART WITH PERFECT SNAPSHOTS OF DIRK AS A PERSON EVERY TWO SECONDS MSPAR I CAN’T HANDLE IT.

AHHHHHHHH IT’S DAVE!!! IT’S FUCKING. CANDY DAVE. I JUST. I CANNOT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HOLY SHIT!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!

“you look like someone ironed the mayor so that’s a million more points in your favor” DAAAAAAVE!!!!

“Dave pulls him into a short, back-thumping bro hug which Dirk weathers like a wet cat not trusting a towel to dry him off.” AAAAAHHHHHHHH I’M FUCKING DYING I’M DYING I’M DYING HELP I’M DYING GOD HELP HOLY SHIT, FIRST OF ALL, THE SPRITE/ILLUSTRATION, SECOND OF ALL, THAT DESCRIPTION OF DIRK, THIRD OF ALL I’M FUCKING DYING

CANDY DAVE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

you deserve so much better than the raw hand the candy epilogue dealt you jfc.

“Bringing fucking guns to a knife fight here.” I mean, did you really expect MSPAR to play fair when the health and happiness of all their best friends is at stake, UD?

SAD ENDING IS SAD.

“Be good to that me, will you? Treat him right?”

dirk, this is yourself. you’ve never treated yourself right. ever. tbqh you probably never will. ultimate dirk is absolutely no different.

(but also this makes me wonder if we’re gonna see “Trust yourself” timeline Pesterquest Dirk showing up in Homestuck 2? That would be fucking wild I’d love to see that.)

“are we anti-ocean here”

“Oh yeah, extremely.”

YES, WE FUCKING ARE, AND AGAIN WITH THE REFERENCES TO HOMESTUCK 2 JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

oh, of fucking course ultimate dirk’s a sore loser, he’s ultimate dirk, fucking duh.

“You did it. You got him a good end.” i fucking love that this game is literally just. explicitly saying exactly what i was freaking over and desperately wanted.

like i’m just gonna take a moment here to admit that i was really nervous that dirk would end up like candy timeline dirk and just off himself. i was really afraid that a good end just straight up wasn’t possible.

i love that it’s not. and i equally love that the game acknowledges that a FUCKTON of us really wanted to give him that.

“Maybe [Doc Scratch] and Ultimate Dirk were working together the whole time.” maybe doc scratch has been ultimate dirk this whole time. or vice versa.

“There are just so many details to remember” lmao i made that point like a dozen paragraphs up.

i.... do not recognize the text style of whoever just say “hey. we can talk about this.”

IT’S HUSSIE. HOLY SHIT. IT’S DEFINITELY 100% HUSSIE.

i....... don’t know who that is? the woman?

is this like. the person who’s been running pesterquest?

it totally is.

i don’t know who that is i don’t know enough about the homestuck machine to know who that actually is.

lmao ultimate dirk and the irl director are fighting over how incredibly self-indulgent this metanarrative is, which is fucking amazing. i kind of love this? i really kind of adore this.

i can’t help but notice that the director has blank white eyes.

i.e. the Author is already dead, yo.

“They’re just an artifact of the medium” HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS FANTASTIC. I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN HERE.

“I’d say thanks but I feel like you all got more out of it than me” I’M DYING I LOVE THIS HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY.

“Stop flirting with my audience you anime ass motherfucker” LMAOOOOOOOO

“I wouldn’t look like this if you didn’t want me to” I KNOW I’M JUST QUOTING BASICALLY THIS WHOLE THING BUT LISTEN I LOVE IT, I FUCKING LOVE IT, IT’S FUCKING PERFECT, GOD. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS SO GOOD.

“I actually let the artists have a lot of creative license” somebody’s horny for ultimate dirk.

eridan DESERVES that gender arc and i’m excited for him.

“Happy people don’t get stories told about them.” I’m sorry, I’ve read enough Domestic Fluff fanfic to tell you that’s just blatantly not true, Ultimate Dirk.

wait.

wait wait wait wait.

pesterquest is a RETCON???????????

THAT was not something i was expecting

you click “don’t” betray your friends and pesterquest just fucking closes like this is fucking undertale jesus fucking christ.

but....

i don’t wanna betray my friends.

but i wanna see what happens....

god dammit this is exactly like the murder run of undertale, i don’t wanna do it but i have to know.

“Andrew Hussie would never do this to me” yeah well, Andrew Hussie barely ever interacted with you soooooo...

and if i throw the beta in the sewer again pesterquest quits. again.

i mean, i knew it would but... *sigh*

that’s a fucking depressing ass ending.

... except that “Savior of the Waking World” still hasn’t been unlocked...

Huh.

I’m... gonna see what happens if I start John’s route over again.

oh duh, of course it’s a retcon, MSPAR touched the Homestuck juju. i forgot about that.

(a big part of me wants to look up the process of getting the true ending. but a bigger part of me wants to figure it out for myself.)

hmmm. okay so replaying john’s ending once didn’t do it.

i guess i coooooould try replaying the whole thing? that sounds. like a lot of effort.

or i could try not betraying my friends approximately five million times let’s see what happens if i do that.

i’m going to do that experimenting in another post cuz this is already huge. see ya in part two.

[royalbloodedbastards]

chatzy // un-bad sex pt. III

DATE: Wednesday, May 6, 2020 CHARACTERS: Kieran and Parker ABOUT: Kieran and Parker are hungover. They discuss the ��A” word.

For all the alcohol he had to drink, Kieran was not as hungover as he expected to be. Or maybe it was just that he was feeling so spiritually hungover that the physical symptoms paled in comparison.

Kieran wasn't the type to black out. Even at his most intoxicated, he always remembered everything the next morning, for better or for worse. The memory of telling Parker about his date and kiss with Alec was replaying vividly in Kieran's mind. And by the light of sobriety, Kieran only realized more and more how awkwardly it went. One ibuprofen and stale croissant later, Kieran was still mulling over the tense conversation when he heard signs of life coming from the bathroom. Then, retching.

Parker had somehow fallen asleep on the bathroom floor and Kieran, unable to move him, slid a pillow from the living room under his head before calling it a night. With a tall glass of water in hand, Kieran trudged toward the bathroom. He knocked on the door twice before opening it. "I suppose that second batch of piña coladas wasn't the brightest idea."

Parker was grateful that both he and Kieran were fairly adamant about keeping every part of the apartment clean while he was slumped against the toilet seat. In reality, it was probably a good thing that he fell asleep in the bathroom, that way he could drag his half-conscious form from one end of the floor to the other, rather than actually deal with trying to stand and walk in his condition. His head throbbed harder with each wave of nausea, and he wasn't sure if this hangover was a punishment for how he'd made fun of Malia, for drinking as much as he did on a Tuesday, or for the way he'd reacted to Kieran's news.

Parker could remember pieces of their conversation, but more the overall tone than anything else. They had kissed, and he was guilty. He wanted to think of anything else, and yet there Kieran was above him, holding a glass of water. Parker stared up at him, cheek pressed to the toilet seat out of sheer inability to hold it up any more. "Did we finish a whole bottle of rum between four of us?"

"We were a party of completionists," Kieran confirmed with a grim nod. He set the glass of water down on the floor beside Parker. "I don't mean to be a voyeur to your expulsion. Just thought I'd check on you considering you... Sought the comfort of the bathroom tile."

Parker lifted his head to to grab the glass of water, but his head was spinning too much, so he rested it on the toilet seat again, half-closing his eyes. "Ugh, yeah. Did you bring me a pillow?" He didn't remember falling asleep, but he did remember turning on the shower and not getting in, which was probably a good thing, since he may have ended up passing out in the shower rather than out of it.

Kieran chuckled. "Yes, I was concerned about your neck. I considered relocating you, but I don't think I'd have the capability to do that sober."

"That's so nice," Parker mumbled. "I'd hug you for it if I wasn't disgusting and dying."

"Your sentiment is received," Kieran assured. "I'll give you some space." He stepped back out into the living room and pulled the bathroom door ajar behind him in case Parker might feel awkward being seen vomiting.

After about ten minutes, Parker was about to lift his head again without heaving. The fact that he had nothing in his stomach had not stopped him before, but it seemed to stop now as he sat up, sipped his water slowly, and then stood to brush his teeth and wash his face. He stepped out of the bathroom and squinted out at his too-bright apartment. He refilled his water glass and took a seat on the couch next to his brother. "Hi. Did I single-handedly finish off half that bottle myself, or does Dionysus have something against me?"

"I unfortunately wasn't keeping track of your consumption, but you were impressively intoxicated last night," Kieran mentioned with a grin. "I can't speak to Mr. D's feelings."

Kieran pulled his feet up onto the couch and rested his chin on his knees. "Do you remember much of last night?"

Parker drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, leaning his face against the couch now as he turned his body to face Kieran. There was certainly parts that were fuzzy, but he did remember most of what he assumed Kieran wanted him to. He thought for a moment about feigning ignorance so that Kieran could retell him everything, that way he could react for the first time all over again and seem like less of a freak. Instead, he nodded slowly. “Most of it.”

Kieran nodded. The downside of having this conversation drunk was that it amplified any sort of awkwardness, but the upside was that Kieran was brave enough to have the conversation at all. Now in the light of day, Kieran wished he could avoid mentioning the subject but knew that it would only ferment if they left it alone for too long. "And how are you feeling this morning?"

Like shit. Parker's head throbbed with each beat of his heart, but that was only one part of why having this conversation was uncomfortable. "I think... it's... good," Parker started slowly, trying to choose his words carefully. "That you are feeling things that you..." He frowned a bit, then restarted. "Like, you said that you hadn't..." He stopped again and sighed. "How are you feeling?"

Kieran smirked as Parker tried to stumble his way through a sentence. "I'm feeling fine. Like I said last night, I'm mostly curious about your opinion. I..." Kieran paused. "I understand how this might be strange and that in a way I've crossed some line. I suppose this me is asking how deep that line is cut," Kieran explained. "I don't want to do anything that's going to create a rift between us."

“I’d probably cause a bigger rift by trying to stop you.” Parker shook his head. “I was just some type of... drunk emotional last night.” He sighed, mostly looking at the couch. “I have no feelings for Alec. Like, none,” Parker said, sure of himself. “But...” He pressed his lips together. “If I’m honest, I don’t know if I’ll really want to hang out with, like, the two of you. Not right away.”

Kieran nodded. "I completely understand. Any boundaries you'd like to establish, I'm more than happy to respect. And that—I think that would probably be a wise decision regardless."

Parker frowned and shook his head again, only slightly this time, to keep his headache from spiking. “I think... I’m fine with how it is, just...” He frowned, not fully sure where he was going with that sentence. “Nothing. Just, do what makes you happy. I’ll... I’ll be happy if you are, and if something you do makes me unhappy, I’ll tell you.”

A small frown pulled at the corner of Kieran's lips. He wished that Parker could have the foresight to tell Kieran what would make him unhappy before it happened, but Kieran knew better than to expect that kind of self-awareness from Parker. Kieran barely had it himself. "That sounds fair," he nodded. "Though I hope to never reach that point."

Parker hummed in agreement so that he didn’t have to nod. He slowly pushed himself up, then rested his hand on Kieran’s shoulder. “I don’t think you will.” He sighed and stood fully, then rubbed his eyes. “I’m going to... lie in bed in the dark for a few hours, I think.”

Kieran snorted. "Alright. Let me know if you need anything. As per usual, I will be here, unmoving and unblinking."

[wormprint]

Sylas/Luca 5?

Fian my friend I’ve been wanting to write Sylas/Luca so badly so here it freaking is.

Prompt 5 - Over a bottle of beer - Sylas/Luca

Please send me prompts!

Sylvans, typically, are not very good at handling alcohol.

Alcohol was saved for special circumstances. Parties, celebrations, birthdays, marriages. These were the things that alcohol was served at in Sylvan villages.

When Luca joined Euden’s army, and started becoming close friends with Ranzal, all of the sanctity of alcohol flew right out the window. Luca had started to develop a sort of tolerance to it– he was able to get through a couple tankards without going buck wild. Any more than three, though, and he was off the walls. Not every Sylvan was this lucky.

So as he sat, watching Sylas take precarious sips of beer from a tanker, Luca waited for it to hit. They sat at a booth in a local tavern, the lights dim and warm the bustle of people laughing and interacting beside the two. For now, this was their space. The golden wooden table stuck sightly to Luca’s arms, where they rested as he watched Sylas drink. It was warm in the tavern, borderline sweltering, yet comfortable. Luca stifled a laugh as Sylas wrinkled his nose at the taste.

“So this is what the rest at the Halidom enjoyed doing so often?” The other asked, scowling at the tankard in his hand.

“Well, I wouldn’t say often, but frequently, yes,” Luca grabbed his own tankard and took a drink. “When one of your best friends is a merc, you kinda get used to drinking as a pastime.”

Sylas nodded. “I see, the fermentation of hops and barley complete eradicates any sort of raw aromatic properties they may have. The introduction of yeast and allowing the fermentation process to begin creates…different, properties. I wonder if beer could be used in aromatics?”

Sylas’s ears became increasingly animated as he spoke, folding down and back and flopping. Luca couldn’t tell if the blush he had was from the alcohol or watching Sylas speak. He peeked over into Sylas’s tankard– it was about half gone. 

“Well, it’s alcohol, Sy. It would burn real quick.”

“I suppose you’re correct. I’m thinking of taking some of this for testing.” He slowly took another couple sips of the tankard.

Luca smiled at him, watching Sylas as the brown-haired Sylvan stared at the amber liquid in his cup, eyebrows furrowed in thought. Luca rested his chin in his hand, sighing as Sylas muttered to himself about properties and oils and whatnot.

Sylas looked back at Luca, blinked then began to speak. “Luca? I can’t focus here.”

“Do you wanna leave–”

“Luca, I believe I am in love with you.”

The archer’s ears perked up, and a warm smile found its way onto his face. “I know, Sylas. You’re lucky, bub, I’m in love with you as well.”

“Oh, good. I’m glad. I wanna marry you, Luca,” Sylas gripped his tankard with intensity, looking Luca straight in the eyes. 

Luca laughed, resting his forehead on his arms as he laughed. Sylas looked over at him with a concerned look. “Luca?” He asked, bending down to Luca’s level, where he continued to laugh.

He looked up, cupping Sylas’s cheek in his hand. The ring on his finger pressed somewhat cold against Sylas’s warm skin. “Great news, we are married.” He rubbed his thumb along Sylas’s cheekbone, tenderly, lovingly. 

Sylas’s hand found its way to Luca’s on his face, grabbing it and lacing their fingers together onto the table. No words came from his mouth, just a bubbly smile as he held Luca’s hand. 

Of all the reactions Luca expected from getting his best friend and husband drunk, this was definitely the one that surprised him the most.