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justwritethatdown · 5 years ago

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Chapter 2 of my high school AU :D

Beca finds herself wanting to know more abou Chloe, but Chloe's friends - and her social anxiety - give her a hard time about that. Also some more insights of her relationship with Jesse, Amy and her family :)

Words Count: 3K

Rating: T

Warnings: Underage smoking and language

Read it on AO3 or under the cut ↓

I don't need much of anything, but suddenly…

“How does it feel to be / Different from me Are we the same / How does it feel?”

That night Beca fell asleep with the smell of Chloe on her pillow, which made her heart do funny things in her chest.

Maybe Chloe wasn’t that bad after all.

Nothing changed at school between them, Chloe didn’t talk to her the next day or the following couple of weeks – not that Beca tried to talk to Chloe but, you know – Beca told herself she wasn’t disappointed at that. They weren’t friends.

“Beca wait!" she heard Chloe call after her and immediately turned around to see the redhead running towards her in the schoolyard “hey! What’s up?” asked Beca unable to control her grin. Chloe offered her a pink ear bug, smiling brightly “I wanted to ask you what you think of this song, it came out yesterday I think".

Beca took the ear bug and put it in her ear, the song was already playing but she knew right away it was Airplanes by B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams “you like Paramore, right?” Chloe checked and Beca was surprised that the girl not only recognized them from one of her playlists, but she knew them well enough to know Hayley Williams was the singer of the group.

Beca’s smile widened while she nodded “yes! And I think this song is really good" she answered looking at Chloe with surprise “what?” giggled the redhead “nothing...” said Beca looking at her feet “I didn’t think you liked this stuff" she admitted looking back at Chloe.

“And what stuff you thought I liked?” asked Chloe biting her lip “I don’t know... Britney Spears?” guessed Beca screwing up her nose and Chloe gasped “you don’t like Britney Spears?” she gasped in shock tugging at the ear bug wire to make it pop out of Beca’s ear “ouch! I didn’t say that...”

“Who else do you think I listen to? Let’s see" asked Chloe in somewhat of a teasing tone “I don’t know, I don’t want to get in worse trouble that I’m in already... just tell me you don’t listen to Mariah Carey please"

“Mariah Carey is the greatest singer of all times" stated an irritating voice interrupting them “Chloe, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Who is that?” asked the blonde girl who joined them “hey Bree, she’s Beca... family friends” dismissed Chloe, putting her iPod away. Beca didn’t know why that statement stung so much, it was the truth after all, they only knew each other because their parents – not that she’ll ever consider Sheila family – were friends.

Aubrey – Chloe’s best friend, for what Beca could understand – looked at her from head to toe in disapproval, before turning back to her friend “come on, Stacie is waiting for us” she said walking away and dragging Chloe alongside with her.

“Bye...” Beca told to no one, since the girls were already gone. She went to class wondering if maybe she was wrong about Chloe and they could be more alike than she though, but even popular girls are allowed to like good music, right?

One thing was sure, Chloe wasn’t even remotely as mean as Aubrey was.

At lunch Beca was glad Jesse decided to sit with Benji for once, instead of bothering her, so she could make a playlist of songs she thought Chloe might listen to, and one of those she thought Chloe should listen to.

Amy slept in and skipped school that day – something she did almost every Tuesday – so Beca didn’t have to worry about her either.

“sorry if I stood you up at lunch" apologised Jesse wrapping an arm around her shoulders, knowing very well that Beca would have shrugged it off and be dramatic about him touching her. He giggled when she did just that “you weren’t at my table? I didn’t notice” declared Beca in a monotone voice and Jesse pushed her gently “stop iit" she complained pushing him back “Benji was upset about his chemistry test" he explained without Beca asking “but he got B+” argued Beca and the guy shrugged “it’s the lowest he ever got".

“Where’s Amy by the way? I saw she wasn’t with you at lunch either” he asked “are you going to walk me home?” queried Beca stopping on her tracks – it was a ten minute walk between her house and the school – Jesse shrugged again “if you don’t mind. I don’t have anything better to do anyway" and before Beca could answer, he added “I know you must have missed me today, so you’re welcome" which granted him another shove from the brunette.

“How come you're not wearing your headphones?” “my iPod died at lunch" “aw, because I wasn’t there to keep you company?” he teased “you’re an idiot.”

The truth was that Beca craved more moments with Chloe, she was intrigued by her. Even if she usually was a pretty good judge of character, she was wrong about Chloe the first time and she still couldn’t completely figure her out yet. At school Chloe was a completely different person than who she was at home, she was nice to everyone and always smiling. And then there was that moment they shared in Beca’s room, that was what confused Beca the most, making her second guess all her assumptions about the redhead.

She wanted to get to know her better, but whenever Beca saw the girl in the hallways with her stupid friends she didn’t have the guts to say hi to her and just focused very hard on her steps to avoid eye contact. Beca hated to interact with that kind of people – she hated to interact with any kind of people – they acted like they owned the school and even if Beca couldn’t care less about that, she didn’t want to waste her time feeling judged by them or worse, letting them make a fool out of her. She really didn’t know why Chloe liked them, but again, she didn’t know Chloe at all.

Another month passed by. Beca never showed Chloe the playlists. It wasn’t important and Chloe probably wouldn’t care about that anyway.

“Why is this playlist called ‘Chloe'?” asked Amy making Beca’s blood freeze “that- that’s nothing, why do you always touch my stuff?” she gasped struggling to take the device from Amy, who won the fight without any effort “Jonas Brothers? These songs are so not you" added the blonde confused “It’s just... stupid songs, so I gave it a common stupid girl name” she blurred out wincing at her own words.

Amy narrowed her brows “Isn’t Chloe the name of that redhead you met at those ‘fucking lame dinners' with your father and Sheila?” she inquired making the quote marks gesture while repeating Beca’s words “maybe... I don’t know” tried Beca but she knew she was screwed “Beca...” said Amy not buying it at all.

“Yes, it’s her, okay? I made a playlist of songs I thought she lik-" “you never made me a playlist” interrupted her the blonde “that’s different, she’s- that’s different” blurred out Beca. Amy finally decided to let it go with a shrug connecting her loudspeaker to Beca’s iPod, letting the music fill her bedroom.

“Ugh! Why can’t I just stay with mom?” growled Beca “a couple of weeks at the beach are going to be good for you Bec, why do you have to fight me over everything?” asked her father “I don’t wanna come, dad I wanna work on my mixes, why don’t you understand that?” she whined and ran to her room smashing the door closed behind her.

Her father just informed her that in July they were going on a two weeks’ vacation someplace in Florida with Chloe’s and other two families the Beale used to go on vacation with every year. Beca didn’t have the time to be thrilled about it that she heard the name Posen being mentioned by Sheila. She didn’t even register the other one because she was already spiralling.

Posen like Aubrey Posen. The high bitch in charge at her school, Aubrey Posen. Chloe’s best friend Aubrey Posen. That couldn’t be a coincidence and Beca wasn’t willing to spend a single minute with her, let alone two entire weeks.

“Why is she like this Robert?” she heard Sheila question “what kind of kid doesn’t want to spend time on the beach with her friends?” at the world ‘friends’ Beca felt rage build up inside her – why was Sheila so fucking naive? – but it didn’t last long, because she heard her father sigh defeated “I don’t know honey, I’m afraid I did something wrong with her".

Beca put her headphones on trying to push back the tears that started falling from her eyes.

“She doesn’t want me, does she?” mumbled Beca sitting on her bed, knees pushed tightly against her chest. Her father looked at her sympathetic, sitting at the edge of the bed “Your mom is...” he trailed off for a moment, struggling to find the right words “she is having a hard time and needs to be alone for a while" he tried his best to explain “but she loves you! More than anything” he rushed to add and Beca rolled her eyes.

Lately her father did nothing but take her mother’s side, funny thing is that when they were married, they couldn’t agree on anything. Ever. Beca supposed he felt guilty about her ‘midlife crisis’ since it started just when he asked for a divorce because he couldn’t keep going on like that – or maybe it was the fact that he was in a relationship with stupid Sheila for about a month before that.

Beca’s blood started boiling in her veins at the thought, it was his fault after all, he gave up on their family.

“I’m gonna go at Amy’s” she spat out jumping off the bed.

“Beca, I need you to tell me you’re coming to Florida” he repeated.

“Whatever” answered the girl before leaving the room. It’s not like she had a choice anyway, her dad was just trying not to feel guilty about yet another thing.

“So, you’re going?” asked Amy passing her the joint. They were laying on Amy’s bed listening to music, as always.

“I have to" sighed Beca before smoking “I wish my dad was like yours, he lets you do everything you want" she wined “yeah he's pretty cool" laughed the blonde “or too busy to care maybe" she scoffed carelessly “dude, this pot sucks by the way" growled Beca giving the joint back to her.

Amy took another smoke before agreeing “I know, but I bought it from Luke" she explained “ugh, that dude is an idiot! He wrote ‘Meghan’ on my fake ID” complained Beca. The blonde stared lamely at her for what felt like forever, before cracking up in a loud laugh “Beca all fake IDs have fake names" she gasped trying to stop laughing. Beca looked at her blinking quickly before starting to laugh too.

“Anyway, he is an idiot yes, but he’s hot, so I don’t care" stated Amy “okay but never buy his pot again" demanded the brunette taking back the joint.

“So how are things going with Jesse?” asked Amy out of the blue “what do you mean?” “I mean you have this thing going on for a while now, when are you going to make it official? If you know what I mean...” said Amy wiggling her eyebrows, Beca felt slightly nauseous at that.

“There’s nothing between Jesse and me" she said defensively “oh come on Beca, you two are always attached to the hip!” growled the blonde “you don’t have to hide it from me" she said more softly “he's always attached to my hip I've got nothing to do with that!" spat out Beca getting up “I know you, you wouldn’t let him near you if you didn’t want to" pointed out Amy.

Beca knew her friend was right, she never let anyone get too close to her, but for some reason she allowed Jesse to do that and she had to admit she liked having his invasive ass around – not to Amy anyway, she was never going to admit that to Amy.

“That’s none of your business” she cut off rising the volume on her iPod to end the discussion.

When Beca came back home she found a brand-new soundboard to connect to her computer – the one she’s been asking for and her dad always denied her – sitting on her desk.

It was the same way she got her headphones, she got into a fight with her dad about something concerning the divorce somehow, stormed out of the house and found them at her return. Robert knew it wasn’t the best way to deal with conflict, but he really didn’t know how to deal with a teenager in full rebellion mood, so expensive gifts were his go-to in these cases. It wasn’t enough for Beca, but she decided to take what she could from this situation. She didn’t like to deal with conflict either anyway.

The girl spent the whole night trying all the functions her new device offered while thinking about Chloe. She spent most nights thinking about Chloe recently. She thought about what it must be like being at the verge of the high school social ladder, having everyone’s eyes on you all the times – a kind of pressure Beca couldn’t be able to stand, for sure – how it felt to be respected, feared even, by the whole school and mostly how would it feel to be bossed around by Aubrey all the times.

Aubrey gave Beca chills. It wasn’t that Beca feared her – she didn’t fear anyone – but there was something about her that made her stomach clench, as if she was under examination. She knew Aubrey judged everybody from her high throne and Beca didn’t think enough of her to care about that, but what scared the brunette was that Aubrey’s stupid opinion could affect what Chloe thought of her.

By the time sun started creeping up from her window, she had decided that suffering through two weeks with Aubrey Posen was a small price to pay to get to know Chloe better. Her social anxiety will have to come to terms with that.

Beca threw herself on the bed, cursing her decision to staying up all night on a weekday. Her clock showed it was half past six and she briefly wondered if she could push it a little and try to gain a ‘you can skip school today’ too from the argument she and her father had, but she knew Professor Mitchell considered school the most important thing ever, even over the peaceful atmosphere he tried so hard to maintain in their home. She groaned and set her alarm to an hour later before falling asleep in her outside clothes.

Of course, she didn’t hear the alarm going off and now she was super late. As she fumed to gather all the things she needed for the day she jumped at the sight of Sheila’s head peeking from her not-closed-anymore bedroom door.

“You’re late" she stated with that irritating tone Beca really didn’t want to hear first thing in the morning.

“I know that, thanks” spat out the teenager.

“Let me drive you to school” offered the woman now fully standing in Beca’s room.

“Absolutely not" said Beca without looking at her, still busy looking for her maths' notes.

“You left a notebook in the kitchen the other day, maybe that’s what you’re looking for" told her Sheila before leaving the room.

After getting ready Beca went to the kitchen and found the notes. Sheila was sitting at the kitchen table, probably waiting for her. Beca groaned “okay let’s go" as if she was the one doing the woman a favour.

Beca was sure it was a trap, so she rushed to put her headphones on to avoid any unwanted discussion about her weird behaviour or whatever. Surprisingly Sheila didn’t try to talk to her at all and when she stopped in front of Beca’s school she even offered the girl a sweet smile “have a good day”.

“Yeah...” murmured Beca under her breath before leaving the car.

It was a shitty day, like if she was under a heavy cloud; she forgot to charge her phone, her head was killing her and Jesse didn’t shut up for one second all morning, not to mention math class – which was always a nightmare. Beca was about to commit murder when suddenly Chloe approached her at her locker.

“Hey" breathed out cheerfully the redhead and Beca found her breath catching in her lungs “I’ve heard you’re coming to Florida with us this year” she continued with her classic bright smile. Beca’s heart started racing and she was positive her face was red “I- yes, we- uh...” she rambled focusing, on nothing in particular, inside her locker. “I’m glad you’re coming" at that Beca forced herself to look at Chloe and try to mirror her smile.

“Hey babe" she heard Tom call from the other side of the hallway. Chloe turned towards him with heart eyes and accepted his kiss when he reached them. Beca felt nauseous watching that – she hated pda and cheesy happy couples.

When they parted Tom friendly nodded at Beca “hi, I’m Tom" “Beca" she said shaking the hand he offered her. Beca tried to smile at him, she really did, but all she could manage was a grimace. The girl was never so glad to hear Jesse’s “Beccaaawww" approaching her.

“Uhm, sorry, I have to go. It was nice meeting you Tom. Bye Chloe" se excused herself locking the metallic door and walking to Jesse. It was the first time she’d ever said Chloe’s name to her face and was still marvelling at the sensation it gave her, when Jesse started to throw a million words at her again, but she couldn’t focus on him at all. For some reason she kept replaying that stupid kiss in her brain over and over again.

“Earth to Beca?” called her Jesse snapping his fingers in front of her “what happened to you? You’ve been weird the whole day" he asked in a somewhat of a worried tone “I didn’t sleep" she told him “why not? You can talk to me you know” he assured her, but behind him Beca spot Amy in the distance shamelessly gesturing at her with her index finger entering a ring she was making with the other hand “gross...” whispered Beca glaring at her.

“What?” asked the guy confused “dude you need to leave me alone okay? You’re not my fucking boyfriend” she snapped making some students turn to look at them. Jesse was staring at her with a hurt expression and she regretted right away snapping at him – it was Amy’s fault not his.

“All right” he said raising his hands and turning no leave. Beca wanted to stop him, but she was too proud to apologise.

“Troubles in paradise?” asked Amy joining her “Amy fuck off!” “geez somebody woke up on the wrong side of life today" she exclaimed rolling her eyes and walking away, she knew it was best to leave Beca alone when she was like that.

#bechloe #high school au #beca mitchell #chloe beale

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thewritingandroid · 5 years ago

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Learning to be Human // Part 5 Lessons on Greed - Markus

A/N: Hi Friends! Sorry it's been so long without an update! I told myself I was gonna update weekly, but then Life happened and it's been a fair few weeks without an update, so I'm gonna give y'all two this week in an attempt to make up for it. I hope you all enjoy!

Word Count: 1824

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Why did you bring her here Hank?”

We were standing outside the medical center. There was a slight breeze that rustled the edges of my jacket. The world around us was especially grey today, and the sky threatened rain. The world looked like how I felt, empty, tired, and distant.

“Sometimes all people need to do to change their minds is personalize the issue. That girl had never seen a deviant before, all she knew were the lies fed to her by CyberLife. I thought if I brought her to see Connor, if she looked into his face, I could change her mind.”

“You were right. She saved his life. Who is she?”

“Her name is Jess Richards. She’s the executive assistant to one of the higher-ups over at CyberLife.”

“That explains how she knows so much about us. I can only hope she’s on our side.”

“She saved Connor, that’s a good step in the right direction for me.”

“Was it weird for you Hank? Seeing him like that when she activated his override?”

“Not really. When I first met Connor he was exactly like that, clean-cut and precise.”

“Really?”

“He wasn’t like that when you met him?”

“When I first met Connor, he had a gun pointed at my head. We were at Jericho, he had turned us over to the authorities, but he seemed so unsure of himself. He wasn’t a deviant yet, he was still completing his mission, but he already seemed to be feeling, choosing for himself. It was strange.”

“I’m not that surprised, Connor did what he wanted when he wanted. He even let a deviant get away to save me. Hell, he’s gotten himself shot a time or two protecting me from deviants.”

“Sometimes I think Connor is more human than the rest of us. Maybe it’s because of something in his programming. Do you think she’d give me details about it if I asked?”

“I’m not sure that should be high on your list of priorities Markus,” He sighed and leaned against the wall, “Did you ask around about the pictures I left with you?”

“I did. May says that none of the officers in the pictures you gave me were the ones at the border when she went to get them yesterday. She says after she alerted them, they told her to go find a safe place, and they would radio for backup and then handle the situation.”

“I got the radio from them, that’s why I showed up. Did anyone see these six yesterday?”

“Some said that they were there early this morning, but I can’t find a single android who saw them after 8 am.”

“Connor was attacked around 9:00.”

“I got some rough sketches of the officers the androids remember seeing after 8 am, maybe they’ll be useful to you as the case progresses.”

“Thanks, I’ll take a look at them when I get back to the office. Are you going to be okay if I leave her under your watch for a few hours? I’ve really got to make some progress on my cases. Things are backing up since Connor has been out.”

“Yeah, it’s fine with me. Are you sure it's fine with her?”

“Markus, she’s so focused on Connor she won't even notice I’m not there.”

“Alright, I’ll see you later Hank.”

“What, you aren’t going to walk me to the border?”

“You know the way by now, and I’m not going to leave a CyberLife employee unattended in the middle of our territory.”

“Don’t trust her?”

“It’s not that. I don't trust some of us to leave her alone. I’ll see you later, get back to the station safe.”

“See ya, Markus.”

I watch Hank leave until he’s out of sight, then I let out the sigh I’ve been holding in since he got here and walk back into the medical center. Jess is still seated on Connor’s bed, all of her focus on the panel she had taken off of his head. She doesn’t look up at me until I sit down on the empty bed next to Connor’s.

“I’m just trying to straighten out the dent.” She smiles, but it’s a nervous smile, “did Hank go back to the station?”

“Yeah, he has work to do. Do you mind if I see that?” I gesture to the panel in her hands and extend my hand for it. She passes it over.

“Don’t we all, I’m missing 20,000 different meetings today. Do you think my boss will buy food poisoning?”

“I think he’ll find it more plausible than a story about how you hung out with android rebels and saved one of their lives,” I smiled and popped the dent out of the panel, then handed it back to her, “I get the sense that people over at CyberLife don’t really like us androids.”

“People fear what they don’t understand.”

“And hate what they can't conquer. Andrew Smith.”

“The world is changing, and the direction that it’s going is losing CyberLife a lot of money.”

“So this all just boils down to human greed?”

“Doesn’t it always?”

“I just find it hard to believe that people could value money over life.”

“That makes you more human than most, Markus.” She looks up at me and smiles, leaning back against the wall. “All of those big executives at CyberLife could stand to receive a lesson on empathy from you.”

“Executives like your boss?”

“Specifically my boss. The man is an absolute nightmare.”

“If he’s so awful, why do you stay?”

“I need the money. Living in this city isn’t cheap.”

“I’m sorry if we lose you your job.”

“Don’t worry about it Markus, I just hope they let me back in long enough to help you all a little more.”

“What do you mean?”

“Connor needs his part, you need access to your factories to make repairs, the fact of the matter is, my job is perfectly situated to help you get those things. Getting Connor’s part should be fairly easy, it’s the factories that will be more difficult.”

“I thought you said CyberLife blocked getting Connor the part?”

“They did, but I can request one under the purpose of research. I can tell CyberLife that after this incident, I want to study the part for defects. It’s still in the plans for the RK900, so it will be fairly easy to get my hands on.”

“900? Is CyberLife still making androids?”

“Not actively, but they’re still drawing up plans and creating new technology.”

She looks away from me quickly and her smile falls.

“What is it?”

“CyberLife is currently testing a bunch of newly developed technology.” She trailed off, looking at her hands, “recently…” she's almost whispering and I have to lean in to hear her, “recently some of the prototypes were stolen from CyberLife headquarters,”

She looks up at me and I can see a mixture of guilt and fear in her eyes.

“What was the technology that was stolen? What did CyberLife create?”

“I don’t know all of the specifics of the project but… CyberLife was in the process of developing anti-android technology.”

“Weapons?”

She answered my question with a small nod and I felt a sharp tingle travel up my spine, “I have to let the others know about this. I’m going to go get them, and when I get back, I’m going to need you to tell me everything you know about this new tech.”

Next thing I know I’m moving through the camp on autopilot, my mind a million miles away. I’m trying to keep the panic from rising into my chest and suffocating me. It’s suddenly very hot outside and I find myself sweating. I need to calm down. I find North first, sitting outside of the house we share.

“North,” I pant, “I need you to get Simon and Josh and meet me back at the medical center.”

“Has something happened to Connor?”

“He’s okay, but I’ve just been made aware of an even bigger issue we might be facing. I need you to get Josh and Simon and bring them to the medical center.”

“Alright, consider it done,” She stands and puts her hand on my arm, “Calm down Markus, whatever this is, I’m sure we’ve been through worse.”

“I hope you’re right.”

I take more time going back, trying to calm my mind and my nerves. My hands are shaking. I don’t remember ever feeling like this before. I think back to how I got here, finding Jericho, becoming their leader, achieving our freedom. Why me? Why was I the leader of Jericho? Why was I the leader of our people? I hadn’t asked for all of this responsibility, all of this pressure. It wasn’t just about leading them anymore. Now I had to protect them, keep them optimistic and hopeful and keep working constantly towards better. I was keeping my people together, but at what cost? Letting myself fall apart? Everywhere I look I see problems. Houses built out of scrap metal, androids huddling together inside of them, and just how dirty everything is. Everyone is tense and everyone is afraid, because no one knows what is going to happen next.

I’m stuck feeling like for every one step we take forward, we take three steps back. I know I’m not being a good example for my people. I spend most of my time locked inside my house trying to figure out what to do next. I preach peace and nonviolence while my people are murdered or shot within our own borders. I talk about progress to anyone who’ll listen, but all I’ve seen the past few weeks has been regression.

I feel alone. I have North, Josh, and Simon, but I don’t think any of them understand just how difficult this has been. I wish Connor hadn’t been shot, I could have really used his advice. He was always impartial and saw the big picture. He understands the consequences of action better than anyone I know. He knows androids and people better than I know either and he knows how to deal with them better. I wish he hadn’t been shot for more reasons than just that though. I fear that his shooting set off a chain of events that I don’t think I will be able to control when the time comes. Already I’m hearing whispers for a plan to strike back. Whispers calling for violence, whispers that I’m not sure I can make listen to reason.

Now I get the news that CyberLife has created anti-android technology and that the tech was stolen, meaning it’s now out in the open. We are slowly walking down the path to inevitable war, and I’m not sure how much longer it can go on before we’re too far gone to turn back.

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lovelyrocker · 5 years ago

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Love Is Blind Ch.24

~ RPF

~ Characters: Jensen Ackles, Lexi Ackles(OFC), Jared Padalecki, Jesse(OMC), Bethany(OFC), Dr. Turner(OFC)

~ Pairings: Jared x Lexi(Sorta,kinda)

~ Warnings: Talk of Suicide, Talk of Alcohol abuse and Drug abuse, Slight Smut, Angst(of course), Mental Health Situations,

~ Word Count:7,288

~ Un Beta’d - All Mistakes are my Own

~ *FEEDBACK IS GOLD*

Love Is Blind Masterlist

<Previous Chapter

Lexi had been in the hospital for going on seventy two hours. Other than the four hours Jared had left to clean up and try to sleep, Jared didn’t leave Lexi’s side. Between the blood loss an overdose, alcohol poisoning and her heart stopping, her body was going to need more time to recover. When Lexi woke she’d worked herself into a panic attack in Jared’s arms. Out of fear of putting stress on her already delicate heart,the nurses came in and sedated her in a mess of of rushed apologies and greetings of relief and tears.

Lexi’s anxiety took over the minute she saw the bandages on her wrists, giving her a short lived calmness of seeing Jared. The realization of what she had done smashed into her like an anvil. She was filled with sadness and regret that she’d been so stupid. She wanted to apologies but couldn’t speak. He throat was raw and every sound felt like needles.

The next twenty four hours Lexi woke underwent dozens of tests. Neurological, to make sure her brain function was normal. Physical, to see how she was about to function. But most importantly, psychiatric. She spoke with a Psychiatrist for a bit, not saying much. She was still groggy through most of it and her body hurting from being shocked after her heart stopped.

Lexi was sedated again, resting, while Jared and Jensen sat diligently at her bedside. “You’ve been here for a while. Go home and get some rest.” Jensen told Jared.

“I’m good.”

“Jare,”

“Jay, I’m fine.”

“Go home, see your kids, eat, sleep.” Jesen lifted a hand when Jared went to protest. “Don’t even. Doctor said she’ll be out til the morning, at least.” He looked down at his watch. “It’s nine pm. Go. I got this for the night.”

“Promise me that you will call if she wakes up?”

“You know I will.” Jensen assure his friend.

It was eleven PM now. Jared stopped by Genevieve’s t see the kids for a bit, then swung by Danneel’s to say a quick hi and pick up a few things from Lexi’s room he’d thought she’d like.

Jared sat in his bed with Lexi’s journal in his hands. Why did he take it from her room at Jensen’s? He remembered the day he gave it to her. It was in Jensen’s trailer a few days after her sixteenth birthday. He had searched for weeks but couldn't figure out what to get his best friend’s little sister. He’d seen her journaling on set one day and noticed she was nearing the end of the small notebook. So he looked at all the nearest bookstores but never saw anything he thought she would like. They were either too small or too bulky. Too plain, to girly, nothing that fit her style or her personality. That’s when he took the internet and design her a journal. One she could add to, one she could carry with her easily. She’d never used another journal since.

He tapped his thumb on the cover of the black leather debating whether or not he wanted to read it. Did he have it in him to invade her privacy? Would he like what he would read? Lexi was currently laying half sedated in a hospital bed with four inch cuts on both her wrists. Now was not the time for privacy. Now was the time to find out why. More so, what could he have done to stop her. He opened it to a random page and began reading.

I woke up this morning and for a split second I didn’t hurt. Then I remembered I’m 2200 miles from Jared. That’s when the empty sinking feeling set in.

He swallowed hard and flipped a few pages over.

Today was another bad day. Jensen keeps trying to talk to me but after what he did, I don’t care what he has to say.

Jared stood placing the journal down and went to the kitchen. When he walked back into his room he had a glass and a fifth of whiskey. He had decided that if he was doing this he was gonna need some liquid courage. He turned the pages to the beginning and began again. He mostly flipped and skimmed through reading over the entries. It was mostly school, work, college choices, school boys, friends, normal teenage things. The handwriting was different. Softer more carefree. Then he scanned a page that made him pause.

I have a big problem. I think I have a crush on Jared.

He gave a small smile and kept reading.

Very cliche’ I know! Little sister having a crust on her brothers bestie. But it’s weird, i’ve never looked at him like that until I moved to Vancouver and I have no idea why.

Then again, how could I not have a crush on him? The man is fucking gorgeous!

Jared gave chuckle and flipped a few more pages.

I think I’m losing my mind. No way in hell was Jared flirting with me, right? It's in my head, it has to be! He is like 16 - 17 years older than me. That's almost two decades!! But then he looks at me with those piercing eyes and I suddenly forget how even breath. And when he touches me, my whole fucking body is electric.

Jared let out another chuckle. He knew she made him feel like that but didn’t know that so early on, she felt the same way.

I’ve never thought a kiss would make my heart literally stop. I feel like that everytime he kisses me. That can’t be normal, right? And I know he wants to take things slow but God, I want him. I know he wants to respect Jensen and I know he is scared because he has WAY more experience. But when we have sex its something that Ive never felt before. Even when we had sex the first time it was so different from with Chris.

Jared paused just seeing Chris’ name on the paper.

With Chris it all seemed rushed. Like he couldn’t wait to fuck. It was all pulling and rough. More focused on what he wanted. Jared was different. He was gentle and careful. I could tell he wanted me but he also wanted to feel me. He took his time and made me feel like I was everything. He still does.

Jared downed his drink and flipped through a few more pages stopping when he saw the handwriting change again.

I hate feeling like I can’t control my life! Every always know whats better for me. Jensen knew better when he made me and jared break up. Jared knew better when he told me to leave and basically forget about him. What about me? What about what i want?! At least chris gives me the benefit of the doubt. He gives me the chance to make up my own mind.

Jared looked at the date and saw it was about three months after she’d moved to L.A. She was diagnosed around this time. He could tell the differences in her handwriting. It was a tell tale sign of her moods and her ups and downs. Jared adjusted his position and several folded papers slide out of the folded back of her journal.

Dear Jared, I'm above the clouds right now on my way to Austin. My chest aches because all I can think about is you. I know Jensen thinks he is doing the right thing but how can it be right if you and I are hurting this much? The main reason I guess i'm writing is to let you know I get it. I get why you told me to go

Jared swallowed hard pouring another glass of whiskey before finishing and moving on to another paper.

Dear Jared,

Today didn’t hurt as much. I miss your text messages and phone calls.

Dear Jared,

I finally got out of the house for a few hours today. It wasn;t bad. Went to a movie with some friends. I was missing you by the end of the night. No one to tell my night to.

Dear Jared,

Tom reminds me so much of you! Gen came by with the kids today and even though she looks at me like she wants to kill me, I’m happy I got to see the boys.

It was letter after letter that she wrote as if she would be having a conversation with him. This was how she coped with not having her best friend anymore. Even though she knew she probably would never mail a single letter, she still wrote and told Jared about her days. The letters went from almost daily to a few a week. Then every few weeks until she left for L.A. Then the handwriting changed again.

Dear Jared,

L.A. is nice. I’m sure it would be better if you were here with me. I’m managing to deal with everything pretty well.

Dear Jared,

I saw Chris today. He is doing well and getting help.

Dear Jared,

I want to tell you how much i’ve missed you, how much I still love you. I’ve thought of the day you;d be standing in front of me again so I could tell you. But when I saw you I was so mad!

Jared fought back a tear as he kept reading.

You were worried I would recent you for being with you but truth is I recent you for not being with me.

Jared swallowed hard as he flipped to another letter. He saw one dated the night before she hurt herself.

Dear Jared,

I’m sorry. For being so mad at you. For pushing you away. For such a headcase and making things difficult. I wish things would have been different. That they could have been different. Maybe things were supposed to happen this way. I don’t know. All I do know is you were one of the best things to happen to me. And I want you to know that I love you and none of this is on you.

Always, Lexi

She was saying goodbye. He took another long sip from his glass emptying it. Jared flipped through another handful of of letters and a few more pages of her journal before getting up from his bed, dressing and heading back to the hospital.

The nurse walked into Lexi’s room at six am with an I.V. bag of fluids. She was quiet as she walked through the room as to not wake up Jensen who was sleeping on the small couch in the room, feet propped up on the edge and his head on the other, arms crossed over his chest. And, Jared was on his side next to Lexi in her bed. His head nestled close to hers on the pillow, arm resting across her belly, hand on hers.

The machine beeped and Jensen blinked awake looking over at the nurse. “I’m sorry, sir.” The young nurse whispered.

“It’s fine.” Jensen whispered back sitting up the couch squeaking waking Jared.

Jared climbed out of Lexi’s bed and looked at the nurse. “Everything alright?’

“Yes, sir. Just hanging more fluids.” The nurse said to Jared as she pressed a code into the machine. “Her vitals are staying steady.” She told Jensen as he stood next to the bed. “I have a few papers that need signing. I have two contacts on her list?”

“That’d be me.” Jensen raised a hand.

She held the clipboard in her hands. “Which are you, Mr. Ackles or Mr. Padalecki?”

Jared and Jensen both looked at the nurse then to one another in surprise. “SHe has me as an emergency contact?” Jared questioned.

“More than that.” She looked at the papers in front of her. “You’re Jared Padalecki?” Jared nodded. “You and Mr. Ackles are on a form stating that if anything happens to Ms. Ackles all legal and Medical decisions are to be made by the two of you.” She showed Jared and Jensen a copy of the legalized document. “How are you two related?”

“I’m the brother he’s her boytoy.” Jensen told the nurse casually. “Ma’am when was this document made?”The nurse pointed at a date. “That the year she moved to L.A., look Ellie even signed as a witness.”

“You didn’t know about this?” Jensen asked him and Jared shook his head. “I’m sorry,” Jensen told the nurse. “What do I need to sign?”

“The first two. It’s consent to treatment for the neuro exams and the other is for billing.”

Jensen signed the papers and the nurse left then he shifted his attention to Jared. “You really didn’t know.”

Jared looked up from Lexi. “Not a clue.” He gave her hand a squeeze. “She is always full of surprises.”

“What time is it?” They heard a raspy mumble.

“Lexi?” Jared looked down to see her squirming in the bed. “Hey, baby girl.” He cooed.

“Can I get some water?” She asked trying to sit up

“No, no, don’t sit up.” Jared held up his hands.

“Don’t push yourself.” Jensen handed her a cup with a straw.

Lexi sipped the water and handed the cup to Jared who placed in on the small rolling tray. “How do you feel?” Jared asked.

“Tired. Kinda groggy.” Her eyes focused on her hands in her lap, instant tears welling. “I’m so sorry,” Both men were at her side in an instant, arms wrapped around her tightly. “I didn’t, I-I just wanted the pain to stop.” She sobbed into Jensen’s chest. “I couldn’t stop it. It was like I couldn’t breath, my chest was so tight and heavy.” Lexi wet on looking up at Jensen. “I felt like I was on autopilot and once I’d done it, it all just went away.” She looked between them. “How could I be so stupid?”

“You’re not stupid, you’re sick.” Jared pulled her close.

“Lex, why didn’t you tell us you were bipolar?” Her brother took her hand.

“Things were calm and good. For the most part.” She wiped her eyes leaving her head on Jared’s shoulder.

Two more days past and Lexi began to regain her strength, slowly. She managed to get by with no brain damage but suffered from headaches. Her heart was undamaged as well but the doctor still insisted she remain taking this as slow as possible. Her mental health was a different story.

“Hey, Jay.” Lexi spoke gaining both Jared and Jensen’s attention. “When can I go home?”

Jensen sat on the edge of her bed and took a breath. “I kinda been wanting to talk to you about that.” He took Lexi’s hand in his and looked her in the eye. “I talked to the doctors and they think that you should go to a place to get some help.”

“You want to send me to a mental hospital?!” Lexi shot up in the bed.

“No, no.” Jared said quickly sitting on the opposite side of her. “It’s a treatment center-”

“You’re in on this, too?!” She looked at Jared horrified.

“Baby girl, listen to us.”Jared said calming her as he placed a hand to her cheek.her face. “It’s not a hospital. It’s a treatment center, kind of like a mental health rehab. The doctors want you to get back on the proper medication and dosages. For that to happen you need to be monitored for a few days or so.” She shook her head in protest as tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “We would never send you somewhere if we weren’t absolutely one hundred percent sure it was a good place and you would be taken care of and safe. It’s run by the same doctors that run the practice I go to. I wouldn’t trust you with just anyone, you know that.”

Lexi looked from Jared to Jensen knowing this wasn’t a discussion. “How long?”

“Two, Three weeks, at least.” Jensen said with a small exhale.

Lexi shut her eyes as a single tear escaped. “Where?” She asked swallowing hard as she looked back at them.

“Like I said, here in Austin. We’d be able to visit you while in treatment.” Jared told her.

By the next afternoon she was being shown to her room at the Austin Recovery Center. It was the last place she wanted to be but she knew it was something she had to do. Her room held two beds and was plain. The building was on the outskirts and on several acres of beautiful full green pastures. In fact, the place reminded her of an old ranch, without all the animals.

Lexi spent the first few days in her room trying to be okay with the fact that she was away from the people that kept her sane. She’d cry then she’d get angry then she’d cry again.

Her new shrink, Dr. Turner, was a brunette woman that had a bubbly personality. Reminded Lexi of herself a few years ago. Dr. Turner suggested Lexi began taking Lithium again and wanted to make sure the dosage was correct. Three session with Dr. Turner a week along with group every day. Lexi didn’t like the idea of group too much. She didn’t like telling her therapist things much less an entire group of people she didn’t really know.

Which brings her to where she is today. A week and a half of being in treatment and she still hasn’t opened up much. In group she hasn’t opened up at all. So she sat quietly in her chair, knees up to her chest, listening as the other patience spoke.

“I wanna know why the new chick never talks.” Jesse, a young man, early twenties, long, dark brown layered hair nearly to his shoulders and light blue eyes spoke. “Do you think you’re better than us?”

“Not at all.” Lexi shifted her eyes to him but moved nothing else.

“She speaks!” Jesse said lifting his hands. “I was starting to thing you didn’t have a tongue or something.”

“I just don’t like talking to people I don’t know.” Lexi answered still not lifting her head.

“Well, you’ve been listening to us babble for over a week. Don't you think you know enough to share a little?” Jesse asked moving his dark hair away from his face.

“What do you want to know?”

“Is Lexi your real name or nickname?” A girl, Bathany, a bottle blond, very thin, asked across the circle.

“Nickname.”

“What’s your real name then?” Jesse asked.

“Alexia”

“That’s pretty, why change it?” He asked.

Lexi simply shrugged. “A nickname my brother gave.”

“Why are you in here?” Bethany asked again. “Aren’t you a model or some shit?”

“Language.” Dr. Turner, who was leading the group that day, spoke.

“I did model, yes.”

“Then, why are you in here?” The girl asked again. “Isn’t your brother like really famous, too?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“You say that like money and fame fixes shit.” Jesse said towards the other girl.

“For some people it would.” The girl spat. “So why are you here. You’ve been sitting in group for almost two week and said nothing. You never talk outside of group either.”

Lexi looked at Dr. Turned who nodded her head as a sign of motivation to speak. “I tried to kill myself.”

“How?” Jesse asked sitting forward, curious.

“I drank a bottle of whiskey, took a handful of vicodin and slit my wrists.”

“Damn, you really wanted to get the job done.” Bethany said with a grin.

“Okay, that’s enough for today.” the Doctor spoke.

Lexi sat on the grass looking out at the flower filled fields across the property. The wind was warm against her skin as she watched the birds fly.

“So, you care for company?” Jesse said walking up.

“Sure.” She looked up at him as he sat down next to her.

“What are you doing out here alone?” He asked looking at her.

“I like the view. Jesse, right?”

“Yeah.” He nodded looking at her carefully.

“How are your cuts?” She asked pointing to his bandaged forearms.

“Better. You?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“You really tried to kill yourself?” He asked bluntly as Lexi gave him a nod. “How and why?”

“I told you in group.”

“That was a watered down version.” He told her.

“I drank a fifth of whiskey then walked over to my-” She paused and corrected herself. “A friend’s house and took a handful of his pain pills. After sitting on the floor I took his razor and just cut.”

“Why?”

“I just didn’t want to feel anymore.” She looked at him. “The minute I heard my friend’s voice I knew I’d made a mistake but it was too late.” She took a breath. “Does that satisfy your curiosity. Is it enough info to run back and tell the little bitchy blonde in hopes of getting in her pants?”

“I-”

“I am not stupid. I learned how to read people years ago.” She turned her attention back to the field.

“Maybe I just changed my mind on that.” He was clearly intrigued.

“You’re not getting into my pants either.” She said with sass.

“Wow, you are a feisty one, aren’t you?” Jesse gave a cheeky grin.

“You have no idea.” A deep voice came from behind them.

Lexi turned to see Jared standing there with his hands in his pockets and a visitors tag clipped to his shirt. “Jared?” Lexi stood looking at him her heart began to race at the sight of him. The last time she saw him she was still in the hospital. “What are you doing here?! Oh, Jared this is Jesse, he is in my group. Jesse this is Jared-”

“The friend?” Jesse said with a smile looking at her. “Hey, nice to meet you.” Jesse extended his hand to Jared.

Jared shook his hand. “You too.”

“I’ll leave you two.” Jesse turned walking away.

Lexi turned to Jared and he gave a hesitant, nervous chuckle, clearing his throat. “Can I- can I hug you?”

“Of course!” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “My God, I’m so happy to see you. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” He leaned his head on hers. He took a step back and looked at her. “You, you look good.”

“Liar,” She looked away trying to hide her redding cheeks. “I look like crap.”

“Nonsense.”

“Come on, let’s sit.” She guided him to a bench.

“Seriously, you look great. Your cheeks are a perfect pink.” He said giving her cheek a small touch. “How do you feel?”

“Tired mostly. I have these really bad headaches. Doctors say it could be from my meds or from the trauma of all that happened.” She fiddled with her hands in her lap. . “I- I like the beard.”

“Yeah?” He ran his hand over his facial hair. “We finished filming like a week ago.”

“Ahh, so it’s hiatus beard time.” She said with a smile tucking her hair behind her ears.

Jared saw the bandaged on her wrist and gently took her hand. “Are you healing okay?”

“Yeah. They’re just itchy.” She looked up at him. “How about you? How are you with all of this?”

“I’m good.” He spoke and she gave him a look, a look he knew well. A look letting him know she didn’t believe him. One look and he gave in. “Alright, I lied. I’m worried about you.”

“I know.” She placed her hand upon his cheek. “But, you don't have to. I’m okay. I feel a lot better being on medicine again. It was adjusted to higher dose last week.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re sticking to the doctor’s instructions.”

“I should have never stopped taking my meds. I felt good. I figured I was better.”

“A lot of people do that. That’s why they tell you talk to a doctor before stopping your meds.” He placed his hand on hers. “Oh, Jay told me to tell you he misses you and you need to get your ass better so you can come home.”

“I’m actually surprised he wasn’t here with you.” She gripped his hand a bit. “He has been here every visitation day since I got here.”

“He called me and asked if I would like to come see you. I asked if he was coming but he said I could come just me.”

“Really?”

“I was just as surprised as you.” Jared told her.

Lexi nodded. “I’m glad you came. So, Are the kids good?”

“Yeah. They actually ask about you a lot.”

“Awe, I miss them.” She smiled.

“Oh,” He pulled a few pictures out of his pocket. “I have something for you.”

It was all photos of the kids playing at his place in Austin. “Oh, look at them!” She boasted. “They’ve gotten even bigger.” She said as she flipped through seeing different picks of Jared and Jensen with them as well as Danneel and Genevieve.

“Odette is starting to crawl.

“Is she?” Her eyes sparkled. “And the twins?”

“Are just like Jensen in every way.”

“Poor Danneel.” She giggled flipping through the pictures still. “It’s only been a few weeks but seems so much longer.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Here you go.” Lexi handed him the photos.

“Oh, no, those are yours to keep. I asked the doctor and she said it was okay.” He looked around and reached into his jacket pocket. “Actually. I have one more for you.” He handed her a picture of the two of them together from when they were together.

Lexi looked at the picture of the two of them snuggled together outside by a fire. One of the few times they had gotten to be outside like that together. “This is one of my favorite pics of us.”

“‘I know.” He smiled down at her, the glimmer in her eyes filling his heart. “That’s why I brought it.”

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

The two hour visit went by a lot faster than they’d liked. We they hugged before he left, Jared held on a little longer, a little tighter than he needed. Just the feeling of having her in his arms, so warm and full of life. It’s what he needed after finding her cold and lifeless in his bathroom. Lexi could see in his eyes the longing he felt.

Lexi sat in Dr. Turner’s office watching as the doctor settled into her position across from her. “So, you had a visitor today.” The doctor began. “Who was it?”

“Yeah, Jared.”

“How do you know Jared?”

“He’s a friend. Also my brother’s best friend.”

“Oh?” Lexi nodded. “Is that all?” The doctor challenged. “Just you and your brother’s friend?”

“I don’t know what we are to be honest.” She said looking down at her hands as she picked the remaining nail polish off.

“Why is that?”

Lexi looked at her therapist and took an audible breath. “What I tell you can’t leave this room, right?” Lexi eyed her.

“As long as you or anyone else isn’t in any danger, that’s correct.”

“So if I tell you some stuff that happened like two years ago, even though it’s not really bad but some people may not approve, you can’t say anything? Right?”

“Unless you’re hiding a dead body someplace, no.” Dr. Turner chuckled.

“Okay, um, Jared and I have… history.” She looked at the doctor. “Like romantic history.”

“I see. Why do you see that as a problem?” The doctor scribbled something down.

“Because I was a minor at the time. I - mean sorta but not really.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrow lifted.

“Not Like a kid, but I was seventeen the first time we slept together.” Lexi’s hands were sweaty as she rubbed them on the knees of her pants.

“How old was he?”

“Thirty two. And I know that sound really bad.”

“Lexi, why are you jumping to defend this to me? That’s legal.” The doctor asked as she wrote in her notebook again.

“Because,” She sighed with an eyeroll. “I know what you’re thinking and what you want to say even though you can’t say it.”

“Is that so?” The doctor studied her for a moment. “Lexi, do people know about and Jared’s past?”

“A Handful of people.”

“Did they react unfavorable?”

“My brother threatened to have him thrown in jail for statutory rape.”

“You brother who is his best friend?” Dr. Turner added.

“Yeah. But that’s not the worst of it.” Lexi scoffed.

“I’m guessing the world wind love you told me about was Jared?” Lexi nodded. “Tell me What happened?”

“See, I was living with Jensen and Jared up in Vancouver where he worked. When he found out he made me move back down to Texas and forced us to cut all ties. When really hurt because Jared was my friend, he was my person, you know?” The doctor nodded. “And things just went south after that.”

“How so?”

“Well, first my sister-in -law Danneel through a party with Jared’s ex wife and Jared had to be there for support and all. That night we ended up sleeping together and the next day Jay found out. It was bad. That night Jared broke up with me for good.”

“That must have hurt you.”

“It did.”

“When were you diagnosed?”

“A few months after I moved to L.A.” She watched as the doctor shook her head and wrote. “Why?”

“Lexi, can I be frank with you?”

“That’s kind of your job.”

Dr. Turned put her book down and leaned forward a bit. “When you’re symptoms began you were focused on Jared. That’s why you didn’t notice them. You were young and in love and it's easy to misplace the highs and lows.”

“So you’re saying, you’re saying I wasn’t in love I was sick?!” She looked at Dr. Turner neary horrified.

“No, no! That’s not what I'm saying! Not at all! I’m saying it seems to me, Jared kept you grounded. When you were forced to cut contact, you lost your anchor.”

“So you’re saying this is Jensen’s fault?” Lexi asked even more confused.

“I’m not saying that, either.” Dr. Turner held up a hand. “Do you feel like it’s Jensen’s fault?”

“No! I mean, I was mad at him at first but I understood and I’m over it now.” Lexi pushed her long, now auburn hair back from her face. “That was the first and only time I’d ever really been that angry at my brother. See, aside from Ellie, Jared was my best friend.”

“And with Ellie off at college that left Jared. You began to go down and you had no one to catch you so you spiraled.” Dr. Turner” explained. “Lexi, tell me, when you hurt yourself, where were you?”

“Why?” She asked with a small shake of her head.

“You were at Jared’s?” The doctor saw the look of confusion growing on Lexi’s face. ‘Weren’t you?”

“How did yo-” Lexi shifted in her seat. “Uh, yeah, I, I to his house when he wasn’t home.”

“Why?”

“Because I felt safe?” Lexi answered with no hesitation but paused, a look of extreme horror on her face and tears in her eyes. “And he, he found me.”

“Did you want him to be the one that found you?”

“No, no, I just wanted to be somewhere I-I,” She quieted not being able to speak. The doctor saw her emotions flashing in her eyes as she recalled that day. “He sounded so far away but I could hear him screaming my name.” Her lip quivered as she spoke the sudden unexpected wave of emotions came down on her. “I could feel him grabbing me and begging me to wake up.” That’s when she broke. “Oh God, how could i do that to him? How could I let him find me like that?”

Dr. Turner moved next to Lexi and held her. “Because you had no control at that point, it was your illness, not you.”

“He had crap he has to work through, too. How could I be that selfish?” Lexi looked up at her.

“Lexi, when you aren’t medicated and your illness takes control, it’s not you anymore. I’m sure he knows that. If he is as educated in mental health as you say, i’m sure he knows.”

Lexi’s mind was spinning. She’d always wanted to keep Jared safe. She never wanted to drag him into the mess she called a life. She felt as if she’d betrayed him. As if she let him down in the worst possible way.

That was the last time Lexi talked to Dr. Turner in recovery. That breakthrough was what Lexi needed to truly clear her head. She was released from the recovery center but wasn’t ready to be on her own yet in L.A. Although Ellie would be there, she felt she wasn’t at the point to be around all her old triggers. Since her mom and dad were traveling a lot due to her father’s work, Lexi opted to stay at Jensen’s instead of being home alone in Dallas. Lexi much preferred to be around family than alone in a huge house. Not to mention Jensen wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Lexi would continue to see Dr. Turner in office one to two times per week and ground at least once a week. More if she felt she needed. Her group was similar to an A.A. group. Except instead of drinking the people were anxiety ridden. depressed self harmers. They even had sponsors of a type, “buddies”. Your buddy would depend on you in his/her times of need and vise versa. It gave them responsibility for their actions.

It had been two days since Jared was back in Austin having started filming again, and he still hadn’t contacted Lexi. So, being curious, that afternoon she made her way down the stone path along Lake Austin till she came up on Jared’s backyard.

He was sitting in a wicker patio chair with his guitar in his lap. Lexi smiled as she walked up the path listening to him strum. Standing just feet away she stopped and watched him for a while. When he glanced up and saw her he stopped playing. “Lexi.” He placed the instrument down and stood. “What are you doing here?”

“I got home a few weeks ago.” She said with her hands in her back pockets. “I thought you would have stopped by when you got home the day before yesterday, but-”

“I was- I did..” Jared shoved his hands in his pockets. “I pulled in the drive but never got out of the car.”

“How come?”

“I didn’t know if I should. I didn’t want to mess up your recovery.” He admitted looking at his feet for a moment. “I’d only seen you the one time in treatment. I didn’t know if you-”

“If I’d be pissed at you now?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you tell me you won’t push me away this time and you help me then completely disappear after I get released?” She waved a hand.

“You heard that?” He asked in disbelief. “You heard what I Said when you were unconscious?”

Nodding her head. “Most of it, yeah.” She took a step toward him. “Jared, can we talk?”

“Yeah. Come in, I’ll get you something to drink.” He motioned to the door as she followed him in. “Beer, soda, water?”

“Water is good. I’m kind of staying away from alcohol for now.”

“Of course.” He shook his head in realization as he grabbed a water from the fridge. “I’m sorry, I-’

“It’s okay.” She smiled softly taking the bottle of water from him.

They sat in the living room, Jared making a mental note of her physical condition. Her cheeks held a pink tone again and her lips were back to their red shade. She seemed to have more charisma in her although she did have a cautious air about her.

Placing her bottle down she looked at Jared and raised her hand to his cheek for a brief second before grazing along his stubble. “You look good, Jare.” She told him with an exhale.

“Are you okay?”

“Jared, I came here to tell you how truly, unbelievably sorry I am.” Jared gave her a confused look. “I didn’t think about how finding me like that-” Taking a pause for a breath she looked up at him. “I’m so sorry I did that to you.” She tried to hold back the tears that insisted on rising.

“Don’t be.” He told her. “I’m not.”

“What? How could-”

“Because if I wouldn’t have found you then you wouldn’t have been here today. I rather deal with that then putting you in a casket, do you understand me?” He told her holding her face between his hands. “Listen to me.” He gained her eyes and focus. “I heard you. I heard you before the paramedics came in. You said you were sorry.” Tears threatened to rise in his eyes. “You said you wanted to take it back.”

“You could hear me?” Her voice a whimpered cry.

“Always.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “I’ll always hear you, baby girl.” Touching his lips to hers for a moment he pulled back and looked at her. “Lexi, I love you.”

“Jared,” She looked down finding it hard to concentrate or even breathe looking into his eyes. When she glanced back up his eyes drew her in. His touches, swift and calculated, felt like fire through her body when he touched her. “My God, I’ve missed you.” She whispered between sweet, simple kisses.

In a mess of pulling and grabbing, they traveled up the stared to his bedroom dropping clothes from the door to the bed. All Jared wanted was to be inside of her again. He needed it like he needed air to breath.

Sliding into her Lexi gripped his arms burying her face into the crook of his neck, the scent of him filling her, heating her already heated flesh. She tangled her fingers into his silky long hair giving a slight tug, her hips rising from the bed as Jared grinded into her never letting the bodies part. Sweat beaded his forehead as Lexi pushed away the hair from his eyes, his lips finding hers easily.

Now they lay in his bed with the hot Texas sun shining in through the balcony windows. Lexi sat up, the sheet still pressed against her body knees to her chest. Jared laid with an arm behind his head and his other stretch out caressing her bare back with his calloused fingers.

“What are you thinking?”He asked her.

She stared into the bathroom. “How stupid I was.” She looked back at him. “How much I’ve screwed up over the past few years.”

Jared leaned forward pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “Don’t apologize for being sick. That’s something you couldn’t control.” Lexi looked into his eyes and a pang of guilt hit her. “I miss this. You and me, being together.”

“Me too.”

“But Jared, I have to be honest with you.” She faced him. “I’m not supposed to get involved with anyone for a while.” Looking down she felt Jared’s fingertips grazing her bare arms. “It’s part of my therapy.”

Leaning back he looked up at her. “I know.” Her eyes darted to him. “Well, I didn;t know but I had a feeling it would be.” He Cleared his throat shifting to the edge of the bed. “Listen, why don’t we get dressed and head downstairs.” He slid into his Saxx and grabbed his shorts. “I’ll meet you down there in a bit. Take your time.”

Lexi dressed quietly and made her way down stairs thoroughly confused. Rounding the kitchen she heard Jared talk and stopped just within ear shot. “Yeah, she’s okay.” She heard Jared say. “I promise I'll bring her back later.” Lexi took a step closer trying to see if she could hear who was on the other line. “Jay, i’ll keep her safe.” Jared turned and saw Lexi standing there. “I gotta go.” He pulled the phone from his ear and looked at her. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Were you telling him you just got done nailing his little sister?” She said hoisting herself up on the counter.

“No, I wouldn’t-”

“It’s a joke, Jare.” She said with a smile. “So what was this? Just a quick hit before it's too late?” She eyed him. “What’s going on? If you knew I had conditions to my treatment why didn’t you stop what just happened?”

“Lex,” He grabbed her hand and pulled her from the counter and sat her in chair at the breakfast nook. “Listen, I need to tell you something.” He walked to a drawer and opened it. “I took your journal.” He held he worn book in his hand.

“Why?” She looked up from where she sat unsure what he was about to tell her. “Why would you do that>”

He placed the book on the table and sat next to her. “When you were sedated, I - I read it.”

Lexi looked down at her hands feeling her anxiety bubble to the surface. “You did?”

“And I found the letters.”

She stood from the table feeling mortified as she carefully pushed the chair beneath the table. “I should, um I should go.”

“Wait, no.” He stepped closer to her and placed his hands on her arms.

She backed away crossing her arms over her chest. “Please don’t.”

“I’m sorry.” He held up his hands. “I- I just, this isn’t going how I thought it in my head.” He huffed.

“You’re having conversations in your head but, I’m the one that just got out of the nut house.” She shook her head. “Hell of a match, aren’t we?” After everything her sarcasm remained.

He then ran a frustrated hand over his face. “Can I explain? Please?” He held out a hand for her to sit back down with him and she did. “I’m trying to tell you that I get it.” She gave another unsure expression. “I just, I didn’t, I didn’t know I was, that you, ugh, damn it” He ran another frustrated hand over his face. “It was the same for me as it was for you.” He finally got the words out. “You kept me calmer, my anxiety was less, I felt like I could function on a whole new level when we were together. Even my bad days were good.” His confession poured out catching Lexi off guard. “I wanted to tell you that I know how it felt. It wasn’t just you. And, and being with you today, It was good to feel that again. Even if I know it won’t last.”

“Wow.” Lexi let the word out in an exhale. “I, uh, I think I should have went with that beer.” She chuckled.

“What? I, I mean, you’re not mad?” He asked astonished.

“Jared, if I was to trust my deepest more personal thoughts to anyone,” She reached taking his hand. “It’s you.”

Jared still held a guilty look. “I’m still sorry I invaded your privacy.”

“If you can forgive me for what I did, I certainly can forgive you for being so concerned.” Jared smiled at her and her heart fluttered. “Now what?”

“We focus on you getting better and know i’ll be here for whatever.”

“Jared you know I-”

“You don’t want me waiting for you, I know.”

He kissed the back of her hands. “Just focus on you, okay?”

Next Chapter>

TAGS: @saxxxyjared @xostephanie @onethirstyunicorn @dreaminemz @squirrelnotsam @jbbarnesgirl @thevelvetseries

#Jensen Ackles #Jared Padalecki #Lexi Ackles #RPF #SPN #SPNRPF #SPNFamily #Supernatural #Jared x OFC #OFC #OMC #Triggers #Angst

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dailygreenlantern · 5 years ago

Note

I actually have a question I was listening to the simonjess playlist and it seems the majority of the songs are from Simons point of view. Which songs do you view as being from Jessica? As for requests a Simon playlist would be nice or do you want a more specific request like arc/series/relationship/ect

A Simon one will certainly be happening! :D

In response to your first question... I’ve put it under the cut cause... well... I’m me 😂And I love my music. I love the idea of breaking down some of these and explaining why I added them in for Jessica. So here we go...

Come Out of the Shade by The Perishers

Was it love or just something that reminded me ofSomething that felt a lot like, but wasn't love?Just friends, friends then until the endYou know I still pretend, just friends

I believe works from her point of view. I feel that last line a lot is her. Especially as someone who also suffers from anxiety, I feel like that’s such a common thing to you know.. to find it easier to just ‘pretend’ its just friends rather then face the fear of rejection

Just friends, am I a fool to be asking forA fool to wish that we could be more than friends?

Again. Peak feelings of someone in love who struggles with anxiety in my opinion.

It does also work for Simon too of course, but when I put in the song I had Jess in mind more then him.

Warmth by Bastille

Never good just the bad and the uglyLaid infront of youNothing quite like seeing the world through the TV's we knowFeeling helpless I look for distractionI go searching for you, wandering through our city to find some solace at your door

I can't stop thinking about itI can't stop thinking about itTell me did you see the news tonight

Hold me in this wild, wild, world'Cause in your warmth I forget how cold it can beAnd in your heat I feel how cold it can getHold me in this wild, wild, world'Cause in your warmth I forget how cold it can beAnd in your heat I feel how cold it can getNow draw me close

Again. Anxiety related and just in general how overwhelming it can be living in this world we are in today you know? And just having Simon be there. Being her rock and keeping her steady.

When I’m With You by Ben Rector

I go a little crazy sometimesCan you believe it?Yeah, I swear I'm fine, that I'm alrightWhen I'm barely breathingThought I could find my way back homeBut I get lost alone

But when I'm with you I'm no longer wanderingAnd when I'm with you, I swear I can breatheWhen I'm with you, I know who I am and who I wanna be

As this certainly works from Simon’s perspective too, I felt so strongly this was more Jessica

Strong Enough by Matthew West

Well, forgive meForgive me if I'm wrongBut this looks like more than I can doOn my own

I know I'm not strong enough to beEverything that I'm supposed to beI give upI'm not strong enoughHands of mercy won't you cover meLord right now I'm asking you to beStrong enoughStrong enoughFor the both of usYeah

Again. Jess needing Simon to be her rock.

So Contagious by Acceptance

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpectedAnd I can tell you I've been moving in so slowDon't let it throw you off too farCause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)To say you're the only one breaking me down like thisYou're the only one I would take a shot onKeep me hanging on so contagiously

After everything Jess went through... I feel like the last thing on her mind would have been love. She’d have been more focused on just getting out of bed every morning. Trying to get through each day and navigate her new life after all that happened. Trying to find things to help her cope, getting through each second. Working on herself and figuring it all out.

So, I feel as if the first verse is very much in relation to that. I feel like Simon would end up unconsciously flirting with her so casually a lot. And that it happens so often that he does it when they’re around other people. Simon doesn’t even think anything of it. And Jessica pretends she doesn’t see it and tells Kyle he’s crazy... (He ain’t and they both know it) But ultimately she sees it, and she feels what hes feeling too. She just needs sometime to readjust her entire world, yet again, with even entertaining the idea of having love in her life. But she wants too, and she will be there right with him.. she just needs a minute to catch her.

Last verse, last two lines in particular... I feel that there’s no one else (that we’ve seen anyway) in Jessica’s life that could have gotten her to open up the way she has. To have gotten her to be more ok with being out in the world more. To have gotten her to a place where not only does she see herself have a future. A future where she can live in this world more then she was before Simon. Not only just that... but to a place where she can have happiness and love. Not only that... someone who thinks shes worth it. And who looks at her like she hang the stars in the night and who could take on the universe.

How I Leapt from the Stratosphere by Mountains of the Moon

But now I have learnt to travel with the windAnd you have got my body in a violent spinI'm out of controlAnd I feel at home

Like the islands in the seaWe are united in the deepAnd in the highland of our dreamsIt's you and meIt's you and meIt's you and meIt's you and me

*this song is also one of my favourite songs btw, I absolutely just adore it

Annd yeah! This got really long whoops. I would apologize but hey you asked 🤷

#jessica cruz #*mod.em #anonymous #answered

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hopefullybarry · 8 years ago

Text

Alphabet Game

This is very long so click the read more!!

A— Arguments:

When Barry's angry he tends to shut everyone around him out. After a squabble with you, he'd storm out to clear his mind, allowing both of you a good amount of time to calm down before he returns and you two can actually talk things through.

We all also know that Barry is a crier so it's highly possible that he would break down into tears when either he or you try to apologize. But the night would definitely end with some I'm sorry cuddles or some makeup sex.

B— Birthdays!:

For his birthday, he wouldn't want to do much besides maybe celebrate with you, Cisco, Cait, Iris and Joe but you'd make sure to fit some alone time in at some point, whether that be in the morning:

"C'mon, Barry, wake up." You gently shook him awake but he tended to be grumpy in the morning so he wasn't willing to wake up just yet. "It's your birthday, baby!"

"If it's my birthday then let me sleep for another half hour," Lightning fast, he had you pinned under his arm as his head rested on your chest. "We can do whatever you want to celebrate today just let me sleep a lil' longer..."

Or at night:

He's usually a bit more worn out from his day at night but you'll usually still be able to wiggle some time in there with him—and it normally wouldn't take too much to convince him of this.

"So tired," he sighed as he plopped down on the couch. His eyes fluttered shut but you weren't going to let him escape that easily.

You were quick to sit down beside him, tugging the blanket off the back the back of the couch and covering you both with it.

"Well you've got one more gift before you can go to bed." You smiled, cuddling next to him.

"Oh yeah?" He cracked an eye open to peer at you with a smirk on his face. "What's my final gift then?"

"You gotta guess, Barry. I can't make it that easy for you..."

C— Cooking:

Keep Barry out of the kitchen at all costs. There's a good reason why his main source of nutrition comes from Big Belly Burger and pizza. Barry and cooking do not mix since he tends to over think things, causing him to start another task and eventually forgot about the previous one. You've lost count of how many times the fire alarm has gone off at three a.m. when Barry wanted to make a midnight snack (though it was closer to a full blown meal than a snack but he blames that on his metabolism).

"Sit," You stated, threatening him with the wave of your spatula in an attempt to keep him away. "I am making dinner and if you want to help then you can sit right there and look pretty for me."

With a huff, Barry complies and sits down at the counter, eyeing the ingredients in front of him and pondering if you'd notice if he snagged a few of them here and there.

"Y'know, I'm feeling pretty objectified right now..." he mutters.

D— Duets:

Barry liked to sing. Sure, he would never sing in front of people without reason, but if he was alone and felt the need to sing then there was no holding him back.

And, admit it, everyone knows he has a beautiful singing voice so there might have been a few times here and there where you nearly bullied him into singing for you.

In this case, though, the stars must have aligned in your favor.

It was your day off so you decided to visit Barry at work (Captain Singh loved you so he really wouldn't mind if you popped in to visit Barry quickly).

The elevator dinged once it reached the top floor and you gripped the box of pizza you had kindly brought for his lunch. Then the sound echoed down the hallway and made you come to a halt.

Was that...? No, it couldn't be. Barry didn't seem like the type to love a Disney Channel Original movie.

That theory was quickly disproved when you heard his voice.

"Livin' in my own world," You peeked around the corner to see Barry analyzing some sort of evidence while on his laptop played the Start of Something New from High School Musical. "Didn't understand. That anything could happen," His voice was smooth and relatively quiet though it reverberated off the walls of his lab. "When you take a chance."

A part of you wished to stay silent and listen to him sing while the other part urged you to speak up and sing Gabriella's part since this was a duet song after all. In the end, the latter won and you stepped into his lab.

"I never believed in," Barry's head snapped up at your entrance, eyes wide and cheeks blushing upon being caught. "What I couldn't see."

A smile instantly etched its way onto Barry's face which was apparently contagious seeing as it spread to you.

So the song went on. Each of you singing your parts until the song came to an end.

Barry let out a quiet laugh. "Well that was definitely quite the entrance there."

E— Envy/Jealousy:

God, was he jealous. He hadn't yet found to courage to ask you out but he already felt so fond of you so he couldn't help the jealousy bubbling up inside of him. Besides, he was definitely planning to ask you out soon and that had to count for something.

Cisco suggested that everyone (meaning himself, Barry, Caitlin, Iris, Wally and even Jesse) go to the nightclub to unwind but he didn't warn Barry that the other regulars here were so pushy.

Within ten minutes of arriving, before everyone parted their ways, you and Caitlin had already received free drinks from men (who Barry swore looked like they were old enough to be your fathers) attempting to hit on you.

What's worse was the fact that you two were actually humoring them by talking to them.

He could feel his stomach twist at the mere sight of you talking with him. Maybe he was overanalyzing the way you were staring that the tall, blond man. There was no way you'd fall for someone like that man.

"You okay, man?" Cisco nudged Barry's shoulder to grab his attention.

Barry snapped back to reality with a frown etched onto his face. "Yeah... yeah I'm good."

In his mind, Barry was comparing himself with this mystery man. Barry easily had a few inches on him, and he was slightly broader in comparison. All in all, Barry thought he beat this man in nearly every category. But there was one thing that this man had that Barry didn't: you staring at him with the stars in your eyes, your attention focused on him and nothing else.

F— Family:

Your family adored Barry. Your mother in particular would always pester you to bring him over for dinner.

Barry had nearly your whole family smitten with him right from the start but the only ones he had to work on were your father and older brother.

They were both nervous because this was the first boy you'd introduced to them. And after Barry's awkwardness faded away a bit, then they were able to see that he's a total sweetheart and their acceptance slowly formed.

His family, Iris, Joe and Wally, on the other hand took a total different approach.

While your family adored Barry, Barry's family instantly made you apart of theirs. Iris specifically cherished you.

She was constantly surrounded by boys so it was nice to be able to steal you away from Barry for a day here and there.

Barry sped to the door after hearing it ring. He was slightly shocked to see you standing on the other side patiently waiting.

"Hey doll..." He trailed off, wondering if you two had planned a date that he had forgotten. "Not that I'm upset that you're here or anything but did we...?"

"Y/n!" The exclamation echoed down the stairs, followed by the click of heels. "You're early!"

It took a moment for it too click for Barry but he wouldn't deny that he was relieved to find out he hadn't forgotten anything important. Though he was a bit disappointed that he wouldn't be able to enjoy your company now.

"Yeah," you chirped, grinning at Barry's confused reaction as Iris snuck past him. "Thought I could spend a few minutes with Barry while you finished getting ready."

"Well it's a good thing I was done early then so you don't have to wait and spend time with that loser." She smiled as she grabbed your hand and dragged you back down the steps and towards your car.

"See you later, Barry!" You called out while he could still hear you before Iris dragged you out of earshot.

G— Growing Up Together:

You, Barry and Iris were like the golden trio. Always together no matter where you went. It was rare if you were even seen without at least one of them by your side.

That is until you were forced to move away freshman year due to your father's job transfer.

No one would have ever thought the three of you would fall out of touch but, low and behold, it could happen.

Returning back to Central City after college, you weren't expecting much. But you were instantly bombarded with the nostalgia that being back home gave you. But something was missing.

Never before had you walked these streets alone. And everything felt slightly off.

"No way," Barry muttered as he changed back to his normal apparel in a dimly lit alleyway. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this girl across the street kicking rocks as she walked. "Y/n?" He instantly shouted, carelessly crossing the road without checking for oncoming traffic.

And if the call of your name didn't capture your attention, the multiple car horns as well as Barry apologizing definitely did.

"This is like seeing a ghost," Barry joked.

You paused to take in his appearance. You couldn't believe how tall your Barry had become. Especially since you would relentlessly tease him for the 2 1/2 inches you had on him. Now it seemed like he had nearly 5 inches on you.

He grew up so nicely and you couldn't help but note just how attractive he had become. Had anyone else noticed this?

"What brings you back to Central City? Thought National City had swallowed you up," he asked.

"Don't really have a reason in particular for my return. Just missed it here I guess..."

Barry smiled at you. He was already planning to monopolize all your time and catch you up with absolutely everything that had happened.

"Well then it's a good thing that we've missed you here then..."

H— Heroic Downsides:

Dating a superhero seemed like a fantasy within itself. But, within that fantasy, the countless struggles you would face because of it were never mentioned.

It made it seem like it was all sunshine and daisies but it was really much stormier than that.

There was the constant worrying that took hold of you anytime he zoomed off to face danger head on. There was the fear that someone may try to kidnap you and use you as leverage to get Barry to surrender (luckily you hadn't become a victim of this yet). As well as the little voice in the back of your mind that never failed to whisper to you everything Barry ran off that "There's a chance he might never come back and you'll never see him again."

Both Caitlin and Cisco have been victimized because of their association with The Flash which partially the reason you were so nervous about a relationship with Barry.

Sure, he was a sweet guy but you were aware of his "secret" identity prior to your relationship but you had to weigh all the products that a relationship would result in first. It was always a concern of both of yours that somehow you would get tangled up in his job but Barry was quick to reassure you that he wouldn't let it get that far.

Another downside would be the unpredictable schedule. You want to nap together? Nope, there's a bank robbery that needs The Flash. Dinner at a fancy restaurant for two may end up being dinner for one while Barry stops a meta interfering at the train station. Night out? More like night inside with Netflix since Barry's in Star City tracking a new case.

But, in the end, all of these are trivial as long as Barry's still yours at the end of the day and both of you are safe and well.

I— Ignorance is Bliss:

The fact that you two had been dating for nearly four months and Barry was still hiding his identity for you was beginning to eat him alive.

What kind of relationship left out a key part of their life and succeeded? None of them.

He had to tell you. He knew this but he just didn't know how to.

"I just need to know if telling her is the right decision." Barry said to Caitlin, hoping to get a woman's perspective on this whole affair.

"Honestly," Caitlin started. "I think she deserves to know, Bare. All she's ever done is support and love you and if you're worried she'll take this badly than I think you're way off. Sure, she might be upset you kept this from her for so long but there's no way she'd hold it against you forever."

Silence filled the room as Barry contemplated everything Cait had said. She was relatively close to you even before you started to date Barry so he believed everything she said.

"She loves you so much, Barry, and she deserves to know what you're doing in your free time."

J— Jokes:

"Oh I got one!"

You sighed and buried your head deeper into Barry's neck, wishing more than anything that he would just go back to bed on this rainy Sunday morning.

"A neutron walked into a bar and asked, 'How much for a drink?' The bartender replied, 'For you, no charge.' He giggled at his own joke while you repressed a smile at his stupid sense of humor.

Minutes passed and you nearly assumed he fell back asleep. That is until he spoke up again. "Hey, y/n, did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Don't worry though. He's 0K now."

What a dork.

K— Kids:

While you and Barry never specifically talked about kids, he knew he definitely wanted them. He treasured the thought of little ones running around the place. Mini versions of you and him tended to cloud his memory from time to time, more specifically those times late at night when he couldn't sleep well, the future tended to drift to the forefront of his mind.

He knew that there was a large possibility that those children would end up being speedsters but he appreciated that he had experience with it so that he'd be able to train them to become even better than he is.

Just the thought of one or preferably more children running around the house and causing a ruckus will always lighten Barry's mood, no matter what events had taken place that day.

He had also long ago decided that he wanted those kids to be with you rather than anyone else. It had to be you because then there was no doubt that those kids would be the best kids in the world.

What he really needed to know was your thoughts on the topic.

L— Little Things:

Barry wasn't necessarily the most romantic person in the world but there were little things that he repeatedly did that would warm your heart.

On days where he would leave before you woke up, he'd leave a scribbled post it notes for you to find.

It's usually an inspirational quote he probably found on Pinterest such as You make the world a brighter place, or, You're stronger than you think, and finally, Don't just fly, soar.

Other times it was notes of his affection towards you. Such as, I love you a latte (with a poorly drawn cup of coffee above it), or, I'll be thinking about you all day long...

He was a giant nerd but he was definitely a cute, thoughtful nerd.

M— Mistakes:

Flashpoint seemed great in theory. Barry had his parents—both of his parents together happy and healthy. Everything seemed so perfect.

The unexpected factor in all of this was you. He never expected that this Barry would have a girlfriend (especially one who was as drop dead gorgeous).

At first, he was uncomfortable with the fact that this girl whom Barry didn't know anything about was so close and comfortable with him. But after a week or so it was clear to him why this world's Barry was so in love with you.

At the start, he was convinced that he felt the effects of the previous Barry's feelings for you since how could he possibly be so fond of a girl he knew nothing about?

However, within months Barry felt like he was on cloud nine. He had his parents and his dream girl. That is until Kid Flash and The Rival started and Barry's new world flipped upside down.

He had to change the timeline back. Without even the opportunity to say goodbye to both his parents and you, he was off.

Upon returning to the previous timeline, Barry spent the first week searching for you. But with every new lead, he met a dead end. This however wouldn't last long seeing as he stumbled upon you in the most unlikely place.

Barry was talking with Joe at his office desk when the elevator dinged. Normally he wouldn't pay it any mind but it was the shout of his name from the women who exited the elevator that really captured his attention.

"Barry!"

His head whipped around and he saw her. He saw you. There you were clutching a got bag from Big Belly Burger as you came to him with a grin on his face.

"Can you bring this up to Julian? I promised I'd bring him lunch but there was such a long line I don't have time to bring it to him let alone share it with him. You can have my portion, I can't eat it anyways." You handed the bag of greasy, fast food to Barry with a big grin on your face.

And Barry couldn't be more confused.

He had found you. Well, actually, you had found him. And you were asking for Julian?

"Allen," Julian's voice resounded through the station as he descended the stairs. "I'd appreciate it if you could go check the results of the blood samples I collected from the crime scene while I enjoy my break with y/n." His voice was very monotonous as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

Barry didn't realize that he was glaring at Julian as he held you like you were his own. What did he think he was doing with you?

"I can't, babe," you sighed. "I've gotta get back to the office. I'll make it up to you later, I swear." You playfully pouted, giggling when Julian leaned down to kiss that pout away.

Barry stood there like a deer in headlights as he swore he felt his heart break at the sight of you two together.

"Alright, off ya go before I change my mind and keep you here to myself." Julian ordered, pecking your lips once more before he released you.

"Okay," You smiled at the two of them. "Play nice, boys."

What had Barry done?

N— Nicknames:

"C'mon, bunny," Barry says, supporting your weight in your inebriated state. "Gotta get you home before another dance off starts." He tried his best to convince you to escape from the loud crowded room but it was clear that you had had one too many drinks and were nowhere near ready to return home.

"Bare," You whined, digging your feet into the carpet to stop this surprisingly strong speedster from pulling you along behind him. "Don't bunny me because you wanna sweeten me up. You promised me a night out so you're not gonna cop out early. You're not about t'soften me up with your cute nicknames."

"Oh yeah?" He inquired. "Think you're gonna be the one to win this battle, sweetheart?"

"Oh shut up, Allen. M'not fallin' for you and your dirty tricks." You managed to escape his grasp while he was distracted and he had to jog to catch up with you and keep you in his line of vision before he lost you entirely (only to find you later on in being the center of attention in a dance battle—it's happened nearly every time you two went out and Barry wasn't there to keep you in check).

Barry should've known it would take more than that to win a battle with drunk you.

"C'mon, doll," he said, grasping your hand to pull you to a halt before he lost you in the sea of people. "If we go home now then I promise we can cuddle with Marshmallow and watch the newest season of Top Chef." He definitely knew all the right things to say to get his way. Especially by adding cuddles with your white, fluffy cat into the mix. "You know you want to, angel."

He was right. You'd been bugging him for weeks to watch the newest season with you and now here he was offering it up. "Fine," You huffed, nearly jumping into his arms. "Take me home, loser!"

O— One More:

"Don't go," Barry mumbled, clutching onto you tighter so you couldn't escape from his kisses.

"Bare," you sighed, weak to the scattered kisses his was showering you with. "I should really leave before everyone wakes up. I really don't need Joe to catch me doing the walk of shame."

"Ten more minutes." Barry ignored your plea, a boyish grin on his face as he pressed his lips to yours.

You shook your head, determined not to fall into his charming trap again (since one of those traps is the whole reason you were now facing the walk of shame). It took quite some effort but you had somehow managed to pry a clingy Barry Allen off of you and begin your search for clothes.

"I'm not leaving this bed 'til you give me a kiss." He pouted, his shirtless figure in clear view since he had pushed the comforter down a bit. "And 'm also not gonna let you go anywhere either," he added.

"Really?" You implored, silently wondering if you'd be able to resist him if you gave into him now. He seemed to have this effect of you that always managed to bend you to his will and make you do whatever he wanted.

"Yep, until your get your butt over here and kiss me, I'm not allowing you to go anywhere. So you might wanna hurry up if you plan on sneaking out before anyone catches you."

It was clear that once this speedster set his mind to anything, that's the way it went. So there was no way you were going to escape his bedroom without giving into him. You huffed loudly as you climbed onto him, straddling his lap.

"Much better," he smiled, leaning forward to press his lips hungrily against yours.

This activity probably continued for a good ten minutes before you heard the shower turn on and that was enough to burst your little bubble and alert you that someone else was awake in the house.

As you regretfully pulled away, Barry obviously was too keen on the loss of connection. He leaned forward to follow you as you leaned back to try and sever your connection, completely defeating the purpose.

"Just one more," He mumbled against your neck, peppering you with small kisses here and there. "One more and I'll take you home..."

P— Parties:

Barry's not the best person at parties. He'd never willingly go to one because he just doesn't know what to do when he gets there. It's only gotten worst since he acquired his powers and became immune to alcohol.

And let's be honest, what was a party without alcohol? Taking that away left him with a clear mind which allowed him to be painfully aware of just how badly this party sucked.

Everyone else was drunk or at the very least tipsy and all Barry did was observe their antics. He honestly couldn't believe that alcohol could change one's perspective on something. Besides, what's so attractive or enjoyable about sweaty grinding with a stranger to overwhelmingly loud music? Sober Barry couldn't find any answer to this question.

So there he was, awkwardly sat on the couch, fiddling with his phone in an attempt to look busy when he felt the couch dip down beside him. At first he assumed it to be Iris, finally ready to return home, but he was surprised to see a stranger sitting beside him. This stranger appeared to be doing the same as Barry and wishing more than anything that she wasn't here either.

She was playing Tetris on her phone, her foot tapping gently to the beat of the music. Barry tried to hide his staring. Thankfully, you didn't notice him seeing as you were too focused on your game.

All in all, Barry wouldn't say that was the worst party, after all he did get to meet you there.

Q— Quickies*

Ironically enough, the fastest man alive hated quickies.

Barry felt like it took the romance out of something so intimate and left it much more based of primal needs. He hated to be in a rush when all he wanted was to take his time and treasure you.

You, on the other hand, didn't mind them. Though sometimes it was a much more convenient option due to your flimsy, every changing schedule. And it never took you too long to convince Barry of it either.

However there were certain instances that Barry would be the one to initiate them:

"Bare," you sighed. "Stop. We can't be late to dinner with Joe and Iris' new boy."

"We don't have to," he paused kissing your neck only to bite down softly. "They won't miss us..."

"You're the one who insisted we have a family dinner to celebrate our recent successes. We already bailed on them last time because of your 'situation'." His hands traveled down your hips, pulling you closer to him.

Slowly sliding his arms around your back, he had successfully trapped you against him.

"We'll be quick. People say I'm pretty fast at everything."

"Oh yeah? You must disappoint the ladies if you do everything fast." You withheld a quiet groan as Barry indelicately unzipped your dress and allowed it to drop to the floor. Eyes blatantly scanning your figure before he leaned down to respond.

"Is this your way of trying to tell me that I disappoint you?" He sassed, raising an eyebrow in question.

"Interpret that however you may, Barry Allen. It's your ego in question, not mine."

His was one hundred percent willing to accept this challenge. Tugging you back towards to bedroom, you sighed at this speedster's overactive sex drive.

By the time you reached the double bed, you stood in only your heels (Barry would never outright admit that they were a turn on but it was clear to you) and panties. Barry on the other hand was only rid of his shirt.

Laying you down on the blankets, Barry was quick to climb on top of you and lock his lips with yours.

But that's when the guilt for ditching his family came back to mind. They were all waiting for you and here you two were, acting like hormones crazy teenagers with only one thing on your minds: sex.

"We should at least tell them we'll be late to dinner!" You huffed, catching your breath as you pulled at from this kiss.

Barry, on the other hand, was unwilling to break this kiss but occupied himself with trailing kisses from your neck to breasts. "To hell with dinner. I've already got a great meal in front of me."

"Bare, Wally took off work for this dinner and Joe will be so disappointed if we don't show up again."

"Stop talking about other men when I'm trying to seduce you!"

R— Resting days:

While heroes aren't necessarily able to take days off, Barry will always attempt to—though it may get interrupted by an inconsiderate meta who doesn't understand the mean of a day off.

Those days include mainly lounging around the house being lazy and just enjoying each other's company. As well as the playful bickering that was the foundation of your relationship.

"We should watch Thor next," You suggested as you cuddled up with Barry while sprawled out on the couch. Captain America: The First Avenger had just finished but you weren't quite ready to return to reality yet to jumping right into another Marvel movie sounded exquisite.

"Another?" Barry yawned. It was only 8:30 p.m. but neither of you fully woke up today due to your lack of activity all day. "Am I not enough for you that you need to ogle these other heroes?" His tone was playful and you were quick to reply.

"Maybe I just have a thing for blond superheroes." You suggested, letting out a squeal when Barry teasingly pinched your hip.

"Heeeyy," He dragged out. "That's not fair. I feel personally targeted right now."

"Good, now let's start Thor because he's way better than The Flash anyways. After all, he is a God and The Flash is just a metahuman."

"I am really feeling the love, y/n."

S— Secrets:

You weren't at your best when you were drunk. But then again, who was? You were what they were classified as an Honest Drunk™. Alcohol allowed you to let go of all your inhibitions and, in turn, impaired your filter.

Tragically (or at least what Barry considered to be tragic) you also tended to forget the events of the night the morning after all the fun went down.

And in this instance, it would cause multiple issues on Barry's part.

"Should probably take ya home, yeah," Barry asked, holding your arm to steady you movements.

You were still pumped up and the alcohol wasn't willing to fade away. "Don't wanna go home yet, feels like we just got here."

Barry chuckled. "Actually, we've been here for hours and all the rest of our friends have left. I just volunteered to stay here and keep an eye on you."

You sighed dramatically, resting your head on his shoulder as he squeezed your hip to begin to lead you towards the exit. Once coerced outside, Barry quickly swept you up into his arms, ready to speed off until you stopped him. "If you try to speed me off anywhere there's a 100% chance that I'll throw up," You warned and Barry got the obvious hint and set you back down on your feet.

Barry began the journey of walking you home—since you never know what could happen in the Central City streets at night. He listened to you hum quietly as you scuttled along the sidewalk before you came to an abrupt halt, pulling Barry to a stop as well since you were holding onto his hand.

Barry gave you a quizzical look as you toed off your nude high heels. Losing nearly two inches without them, you bent down to pick them up and handed them over to Barry. "Much better."

Barry followed you into your apartment, instantly adverting his eyes as you shamelessly stripped out of your dress and tugged on an oversized t-shirt to sleep in.

"You're honestly the sweetest boy I've met, Barry Allen." You flopped down on your bed, the fluffy comforter splayed out around you while you stared at him dreamily. "'I just can't believe that you're single. I wish I could steal you for my own, y'know?"

Barry's face instantly reddened at your words since he was never used to receiving compliments, especially ones like those. "Go to bed, y/n. You don't know what you're talking about." Gently, he pulled your blanket over you, ready to head home now that he knew you were home safe.

"Know exactly what m'talkin' about," You mumbled under your breath, though Barry was still able to hear you since you obviously weren't being as quiet as you thought you were being. "You just could never take any hints."

T— Tragic Endings:

"Y/n!" The Flash yelled, appearing instantly by your side as he tried to apply pressure to the wound on your stomach in hopes to slow the bleeding. But, truthfully, he knew this was a lost cause.

Reverse Flash was bound and determined to take everything away from Barry and it seemed like you were his last target.

"I'm so sorry," he muttered,

You reached up and tugged his mask off, wanting to see your Barry rather than Central City's Flash. "Don't ever blame yourself for this, Bare." You wheezed. "It–It isn't your f-fault."

Barry violently shook his head as tears streamed down his rosy cheeks. Too many times has he held a dying loved one in his arms. "It is. I'm so sorry. I can't—I can't stop the bleeding! Cisco please hurry up." The final statement was directed towards the man listening in through Barry's earpiece, in hopes of saving you. But that wouldn't be enough to change the fate's design.

"It's okay. It doesn't hurt. Don't—please don't cry for me. My death isn't on your hands. I... love you so much, Bare. I don't even feel pain anymore."

Fuck, that was a bad sign. And seconds later your eyes fluttered shut.

"Cisco!" Barry gave one final cry for help but the moments were fleeting too fast. He wasn't fast enough. "Y/n, please don't go..."

U— Unrequited Love:

Barry knew all too well about unrequited love. Hell, it seemed like that was all he was destined to have. Sure he'd had a fling here and there but all of them were really just distractions to his love for Iris.

Finally, Barry thought he'd had an epiphany when he snapped out of that trance. But he was also the type of person who loved love. He loved having someone to fawn over and spoil and just goof around with. So it wasn't really a surprise for him when he found himself wanting to be around you all the time.

He originally had interpreted this as a weird form of friendship since he hadn't had a romantic like thoughts.

But those thoughts came upon him slowly and before he knew it he had the sudden realization that he'd managed to fall back into the pit of unrequited love.

Containing no doubt as to the fact that you had absolutely no romantic feelings for him, he did not even bother at attempting to make any move on you. And his heart ached. All he wanted was for someone he could call him own but fate didn't seem to be on his side.

If Barry hadn't known it before, he could definitely saw that unrequited love was a bitch.

(If only he'd had actually asked you about your feelings rather than just assuming they weren't requited because he might have been surprised.)

V— Videos:

"Again?" You sighed, noticing Barry clearly filming you while you unpacked another box.

"C'mon!" He exclaimed. He was supposed to be painting the living room but soon became restless since you had insisted he couldn't speed through it because it would mess up the paint. "This is a big moment! When we're eighty and we look back at this you'll be so grateful to have this."

"You think I plan on sticking with you for sixty years?"

He clutched his heart in mock pain before flipping his phone around to face him. "I sure hope she's nice to you than she is to present-me, future-me."

"If you keep filming me instead of painting then I'll make sure that I'm not nice to future-you."

Barry sensed your honestly and reluctantly ended the video, turning back on Spotify to fill the room with music while he continued his painting adventure.

The sun eventually set but you two were still working away, hoping to accomplish as much as possible in the fleeting day.

Barry was getting restless painting and there was only one lamp lighting the dim room, making it even hard to see what he had done already and what he had not. Out of the corner of his ear, he saw you stoop over on the box, releasing a tired sigh and that's when he decided that tomorrow was another day and today had reached its end.

"C'mon, babe," Barry said the very moment that he finished the final layer of paint. "Know we haven't got much furniture yet but we have the pull out bed from the couch."

"M'not tired," You mumbled, stifling a slight yawn since you didn't want Barry to be aware of how tired you actually are.

"Oh well," He responded, already working on pulling out the bed before rummaging through the box you said contained the blankets. "I am and I can't sleep without you so get your cute little butt over here and snuggle with me."

Obeying, you stood up from the floor brushing all the dust of your pajamas before you plopped down besides the one and only Barry Allen. One would assume a pull out mattress to be lumpy and uncomfortable but, after your seemingly endless day of moving and unpacking, it felt like a cloud. Sure you were pushed closer to Barry then normal since it was just a twin size bed after all but nothing would ruin your good night sleep tonight.

Barry's arms were wrapped around you tightly, making sure you didn't attempt to turn over and end up tumbling off the bed. The room was silent and slightly cold but Barry carefully tugged the blanket up to make sure you were warm enough.

"Was lyin' you know," you responded, your voice barely above a whisper while you reveled in the feeling of Barry's fingers running through your hair.

"Huh?" He wasn't following the conversation since he had thought you were already asleep.

"Would love to spend my years with ya. Hope you stick with me too."

Barry smiled, wondering just how long that sarcastic remark, that he indeed knew was playful, was eating away at you. "I know. You're stuck with me know. Got both our names on the lease for this place—basically like a marriage license. For better or for worse and all that."

Needless to say a picture of you asleep on his shoulder ended up on Instagram the next morning.

W— Wishes:

"Happy Birthday dear, Scarlet. Happy birthday to you."

The party let out loud cheers and the six year old blew the flickering candles out with all of her might, shooting a toothless grin to her father while he clapped for her.

"What'd you wish for?" Cisco said to his self-proclaimed niece, ruffling her unruly hair just to annoy her.

"Can't tell you! It won't come true!" She said it as if it was common knowledge and was astounded by the fact that Cisco was unaware of it.

"Could you tell me?" Barry piped up, curious as to what his little girl wanted because he would go to hell and back to get her whatever she wanted. She debated his question for a moment before she deemed him worth of knowing and he quickly scooped her up to allow her to whisper in his ear.

"I wished for mommy to come back. S'been months and I miss her more than anything."

Barry felt a chill spread through his body at the mention of you. That was probably the only thing he was unable to get Scarlet yet when she could wish for absolutely anything in the world she chooses you. And he couldn't at all blame her because he yearned for you just as much, if not more than your daughter did. "

"I know, baby," he sighed, squeezing her tightly in a hug. "I know."

X— (E)xes:

Barry didn't have many exes. And the few that he did he was still on good terms with. (Except for Sabrina Yates from ninth grade... We don't talk about that one.)

You, on the other hand, had several more exes than Barry and that seemed to bring out his insecurities. He was nothing like those blonde, well-built hipsters that you'd previously dated. So why him? Sure, he worked nearly two months trying to charm you and win you over to go on a date with him.

But, really, what did he have that made him better than the other guys? Why did he have any right to your heart? Sure he was a super hero but that had its downsides as well. He didn't tend to usually dwell on the thoughts of you with your past boyfriends for obvious reasons.

You assured him time and time again that he was all you wanted. Your exes were your exes for various reasons. What matters now is that he is your future and they are all in your past.

Y— Yours truly

Dear Barry,

I don't really expect you to understand why I did what I did. I might not always have the right answers but then again who does? But I strongly believe that my choice was the right answer and I hope you'll be able to forgive me for it. It was always meant to be you and Iris. I was never supposed to be a part of this picture and if you hadn't saved my from that car crash two years ago then I wouldn't be. But now isn't the time for me to be getting in the way of your future and we both know that Iris marries you–not me. It's better to go now before I make you screw up the future more than it already it. I hope you understand that I don't want to go but instead I have to go. I wish things were different, Barry Allen—that maybe on some other Earth there's some version of you and I who make each other the happiest they can be. A part of me wishes that maybe we've been wrong and that this Earth is our happy ending but I think we both know that isn't true. I love you, Barry Allen.

Yours truly, Y/n

Z— Zzzzz:

Barry was a menace to sleep with. He sometimes snored. He always hogged the blanket. There was no sense of personal space on his end so it was highly likely you'd wake up with him practically on top of you. And if he was exhausted then there was no moving him off of you.

He also loved to cuddle so if he's in a cuddling mood then look out because once he gets a hold of you there will be no escape.

All and all, beware of a sleeping Barry Allen.

(A/n: i haven't finished reading through all of this so feel free to comment on any spelling mistakes or anything. Thanks)

#barry allen imagine #Barry Allen #barry x reader #barry allen imagines #The Flash #the flash imagines #the flash imagine #the flash oneshot #cw #grant gustin #grant gustin imagines #grant gustin imagine #My writing #mine #dc imagine #DC Universe #dc #DC comics

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birdlord · 8 years ago

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What I Watched in 2016

Here are the movies and TV series I watched in 2016, some with commentary and some without. The number after the movies is the date of release, my faves are bolded, and rewatches are marked with as asterisk. Last year’s list!

01 Do I Sound Gay (14)

02 We are The Best! (13)

03 Hateful Eight (15)

04 Welcome to Me (14)

05 For Your Eyes Only (81) - I listened to a lot of back episodes of the James Bonding podcast early this year, which of course led to watching a bunch of Bond movies. Not all, and not in order, certainly.

06 She’s the One (96)

07 * Diamonds are Forever (71)

08 It’s Complicated (09) - I think it was an article about the kitchen design in this movie that led me to watch it?

09 The Natural (84)

10 * Anna Karenina (12) - Never having read the book I can’t REALLY speak to this movie but haha I kinda love its commitment to artifice.

11 About Time (13)

12 What We Do in the Shadows (14) - I did enjoy this, but wasn’t as taken by it as I thought I might be. Found the werewolves the funniest by far, so I wish they’d turned up more often.

13 The Abominable Bride (15) - counting this as a movie, it was the Sherlock xmas special and I recall exactly zero about it, so…..must have been amazing, right?

14 Wake in Fright (71) - Never Go To Australia

15 Hail Caesar (16) - I think I’d have to see it again to determine if the whole thing actually holds together, but at the time, it felt of a piece with the Coen’s cheerier output.

16 In the Heart of the Sea (15)

17 The Night of the Comet (84)

18 Laggies (14)

19 * Bowling for Columbine (02)

20 A Gentleman’s Agreement (47) - confessional, experiential journalism, but done by Cary Grant in the 40s. Ahead of his time/gender?

21 Barefoot in the Park (67)

22 Suddenly Last Summer (59)

23 Tangerine (15)

24 * His Girl Friday (40)

25 That Touch of Mink (62)

26 * Charlie’s Angels (00)

27 9-5 (80) - Holy shit, somehow I thought this movie was just a rah-rah, girl power story about a bunch of secretaries getting together and overthrowing their boss and yeah, that’s SORT OF it but it gets way way weirder in the final third.

28 * Who Framed Roger Rabbit (88)

29 * The Addams Family (91)

30 * Addams Family Values (93)

31 Frida (02)

32 Bridge of Spies (15) - A E I O U and sometimes SPIES :O

33 Swimming With Sharks (94)

34 Sleeping With the Enemy (91)

35 Fatal Attraction (87) - Watched this movie and the previous one as part of an 80s/90s thriller weekend. These two are an interesting contrast to one another, being as the first is about an abusive husband and the second focuses on the most notable example of the “crazy ex-girlfriend”.

36 1 Cloverfield Lane (16)

37 The Man Who Never Was (56)

38 * To Die For (95) - This was a super fave of Teen Emily, who definitely identified with the Lydia character. Watching this time was a huge reminder than Illeana Douglas is a goddamn national treasure.

39 Trouble In Paradise (32)

40 Eraser (96)

41 * Flashdance (83)

42 * Notting Hill (99)

43 Gone to Earth (50) - Not the best Powell and Pressburger out there, but one takes what one can get, right?

44 Holiday Camp (47)

45 Never Sleep Again (10) - This is a four-hour doc about the entire Nightmare on Elm St series, and is the reason I watched Freddy’s Revenge a couple of movies down the list. It’s not a series that I have a particular attachment to, so I learned a ton.

46 Clouds of Sils Maria (15)

47 Mommie Dearest (81) - I’m not sure that I have enough appreciation for high camp to really get into this. There were some moments, but overall it’s a fine example of the kind of thing that is Not For Me.

48 Nightmare on Elm St: Freddy’s Revenge (85)

49 Inside Man (06)

50 Trainwreck (15)

51 White God (14)

52 * Sleepwalk With Me (12)

53 Amy (15)

54 * Meatballs (79)

55 Everybody Wants Some!! (16) - I found this a huge disappointment, and I’ve been a bit mystified by its positive reviews and inclusion on critics’ end of year lists. While D&C definitely has a “main character”, and we do follow him and his friends, other people and subsets of the high school are given serious time and consideration. Ultimately, I don’t think following this one dude tripping through a bunch of different college subsets was as illuminating. Plus, weak jokes.

56 * Dazed & Confused (93) - had to cleanse the mind-palate by watching the original!

57 Summertime (55)

58 The Money Pit (86)

59 Zombeavers (14)

60 Mistress America (15) - I am finding Greta Gerwig more and more charming, the more I see of her. Greta, let’s be friends!

61 While We’re Young (14)

62 The Invitation (16) - quite effective, very upper-middle-class bohemian LA horror film. I’ve heard some complaints about the final scene, but I thought it was an effective & clever way to show an expanding scope without an extra expense or sets.

63 End of Days (99)

64 Escape From New York (81)

65 Escape from L.A. (96) - Watched these two together, on the same night. They definitely should NOT be watched that way, given how identical the plots are. Unbelievably terrible ’96-era CGI in the second one, hard to believe that Jurassic Park was three years previous?? Gotta get that Spielberg money, am I right?

66 High Rise (16) - my only real disappointment in this movie was not being around to see the decline of the civilization - we jump straight from things being fine (if weird) and everything gone to heck. My favourite part is the decline, give me decline!

67 The Great Outdoors (88)

68 * Catch Me If You Can (02)

69 Little Darlings (80) - just your classic losing-virginity-at-camp story, but…wait for it….with GIRLS.

70 * Good Will Hunting (97)

71 Popstar (16) - diminishing returns, but some funny bits (mostly in the songs, not surprisingly).

72 Tarzan (16) - watched this with friends and relatives, at a drive-in theatre a couple of days after my wedding! It’s NOT a good movie, but it was a fun time.

73 Love & Friendship (16) - got completely obsessed with Tom Bennett based on his 100% rate of scene-stealing in this film. Sevigny feels utterly out of place - am I capable of seeing her in a period piece set before, say, 1975 without feeling weird about it?

74 The Night Before (15)

75 Ghostbusters (16) - So I know I was supposed to be charmed by Kate McKinnon, but her schtick just doesn’t work on me, for whatever reason. I was also really frustrated by the final fight scene of this movie - it had obviously been hacked up in editing, and wtf is up with punching ghosts instead of containing them? I’m glad this movie happened, and certainly a great deal of the criticism it came in for was deeply unfair, but it was distinctly disappointing to find that this movie just wasn’t that great.

76 Brooklyn (15)

77 Poltergeist (82)

78 * Before Sunrise (95)

79 Love & Basketball (00) - Effusive praise for this movie somehow came to my attention from all over the place this year, so I finally had to watch it.

80 The Man Who Knew Too Much (56)

81 * Road House (89)

82 Carol (15) - watching this FINALLY allowed me to fully participate in Today’s Meme Culture

83 * Out of Sight (98)

84 Happy Texas (99)

85 Red Rock West (93)

86 Weiner Dog (15)

87 The Trouble With Harry (55)

88 * When Harry Met Sally (89)

89 Jungle Fever (91)

90 Ocean’s 11 (01)

91 Star Trek Beyond (16)

92 Two For the Road (67)

93 * Seven Year Itch (55)

94 Maggie’s Plan (15) - like I said earlier about Greta Gerwig? I liked this one even more than Mistress.

95 The Dish (00)

96 Splash (84)

97 Desk Set (57) - watching this and the next were inspired by stumbling across a blog about depictions of librarians on film. I particularly hit on this one because I’ve always wanted to see a Hepburne/Tracy film, and never had (to my memory, anyhow).

98 Party Girl (95) - one of those movies I’d always noticed on the shelves at the video store, and never actually watched it.

99 * Young Frankenstein (74) - saw this in the theatre, Gene Wilder notwithstanding I…..don’t think it’s good. It’s only extremely intermittently funny, you guys! Plus, the Putting’ on the Ritz bit makes me uncomfortable (especially in audio-only form, which I heard TOO many times after Wilder died).

100 The House of the Devil (09)

101* The Witches of Eastwick (87)

102 The Borning (81)

103 * Shaun of the Dead (04)

104 Dolores Claiborne (95)

105 The Conjuring 2 (13)

106 In a Valley of Violence (16) - definitely watched this because I happened across an article about the movie’s dog star.

107 The Witch (16) - very effective in getting across the supernatural, natural, and social dangers of early puritan America, and Black Philip has entered my idiolect for any creepy animal/person/twitter feed.

108 * Wayne’s World (92)

109 What if (13) - riffs on When Harry Met Sally’s fundamental question of women and men being friends, and basically comes to the same conclusion. yawn.

110 The Martian (15) - I read the book as part of a book club last year, and finally got around to watching the film. Since I found the worst of the writing in the book to be those passages dealing with description, the movie was a lot less annoying to experience.

111 Sleepless in Seattle (93)

112 * Thelma & Louise (91)

113 Casino (95)

114 Other People (16) - wept several times. GOSH I love Jesse Plemons, he’s so hugely sympathetic. Would watch in virtually anything.

115 The Life & Death of Colonel Blimp (43)

116 Primary Colors (98)

117 Edge of Seventeen (16)

118 *Die Hard (88) - loaded up the laptop with this and the next four xmas-set movies, for watching on planes and in airports, while we were on the road at christmastime.

119 *Batman Returns (92)

120 *Scrooged (88)

121 * The Apartment (60)

Theatre - 5

Drive-in - 1

All the rest at home or at friends’ homes!

TV SERIES

*The Office US S2-3

War & Peace (2016) - you bet your BOOTS I started the book after watching this. Did I finish it? Not even close.

Love (2016)

Better Call Saul S2 - this is a show I enjoy while I’m watching it, but I don’t particularly find it memorable. Why? Who knows. It’s still something I look forward to, but not a show that sticks with me.

Great British Bake off *S1, *S2, S7 + Xmas Specials - a eulogy for Bake-Off as it was. Pour one (pint of double cream, that is) out for what once was.

Broad City S5

Travel Man S1, S2 - I find Richard Ayoade so desperately charming, but ever time I’ve watched one of the movies he’s directed, I’ve ended up disappointed. This show is a bit hit or miss, depending on the guests he brings along, and the episodes definitely have a sameness to them, but if you find this guy even a sliver as entertaining as I do, it’ll pull you along anyhow.

The Night Manager - so looking forward to Hugh Laurie’s upcoming career phase as Bond Villain.

Cooked

Newsradio S1-S3 - I’d seen an episode or two of this over the years but never sat down to fully appreciate it. It’s making me miss Phil Hartman all over again, a fresh devastation, plus haha did u know Tone Loc plays a security guard on this show? It’s all true.

Lady Dynamite

OJ Made In America - I’ll count this as a series, since I didn’t watch it in the theatre. Still haven’t seen the other big OJ series of 2016, but I loved loved LOVED this. What impressed me the most is that, in spite of its 7 hour+ running time there were still aspects of this story that could have been expanded upon.

Silicon Valley S3

* Veep S1, S2

Catastrophe S2

Pulling - went back in time to get more Sharon Horgan in my life, since Catastrophe seasons are terribly short and far-between. I’d been aware of this show for a long time, and somehow wasn’t expecting it to be as near-devastating as it ended up being. What, did I forget what a British show was like?

Another Period S2

Difficult People S1, S2 - Another late discovery, but a great one. A fine example of just giving some funny people a show, and letting them just do their thing on it every week.

Fleabag - yes, I’m in for this, obviously. And if I wasn’t, the show designed itself to put me off, from the first moments. A wise move!

One Mississippi

Very British Problems S1, S2

Atlanta - I’ve got a bad feeling that this show’s deserved success will lead to surreal elements being deployed, but much less deftly than they were here.

Please Like Me S1-S4 - Tore through this entire series greedily, am now suffering until they make another season. Balances some very harrowing elements with comedy and an ensemble cast of loveable/terrible humans.

Divorce - Sharon Horgan’s writing minus her acting is a hollow empty shell, but hey, I’ll take what I can get, when I can get it.

The Fall S3 - I’d decided last year after S2 that I was done with this show, and yet, here we are, I was drawn back in.

The Crown

Insecure

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qwertsypage · 4 years ago

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2020 Scrummer Reading List+

2020 Scrummer Reading List

We all know this is a very different kind of summer (or winter for our friends in the Southern Hemisphere). One where the need to escape, learn, grow maybe even more acute. Our annual tribute to great reads (and listens) is here to help.

We asked the team what books they are currently nose-deep in, or that they highly recommend others check-out. As always, they came back with some great suggestions across genres.

JJ Sutherland, Chief Executive Officer recommends:

"Both Flesh And Not " by David Foster Wallace

This posthumous collection may not be his best, but his worst is so much better than any other modern American essayist it’s criminal and suspicious. Mozart and tennis. The captive mind.

"Poet in New York " by Federico Garcia Lorca

Lorca is the greatest of gifts, an amazing poet I had yet to discover. Fitting this book was given to me as a birthday present. And I love the fact the Spanish and English versions appear side-by-side.

Jessica Larsen, Product Owner, Scrum Inc. Trying Program recommends:

"The Fearless Organization" by Amy Edmundson

Today's workforce spends more time collaborating (team-based work) than ever before; knowledge and innovation are crucial sources of competitive advantage in nearly every industry, yet 70-85% of the world's workforce is either not engaged or actively disengaged at their jobs. In this book, Edmundson discusses the importance of psychological safety and creating an environment of respect for people (a pillar of the Toyota Way) in improving workplace engagement. For me, this book provided great empirical evidence and theoretical basis for why the Scrum Values and pillars of the Toyota Way are so important in the workplace.

Mark Rosania, Product Owner, Transformation Services recommends:

"The Bastard Brigade: The True Story of the Renegade Scientists and Spies who Sabotaged the Nazi Atomic Bomb" by Sam Kean

Scientists have always kept secrets. But rarely have the secrets been as vital as they were during WW II. In the middle of building an atomic bomb, the leaders of the Manhattan Project were alarmed to learn that Nazi Germany was far outpacing the Allies in nuclear weapons research; Hitler, with just a few pounds of uranium, would have the capability to reverse the entire D-Day operation and conquer Europe. So they assembled a rough and motley crew of geniuses - dubbed the Alsos mission - and sent them careening into Axis territory to spy on, sabotage, and even assassinate members of Nazi Germany's feared Uranium Club. No theater of the war, from battlefields to laboratories, was considered off-limits, and for good reason: the entire outcome of the war rested on Also's shoulders.

Matthew Jacobs, Chief Product Owner, Agile Transformations recommends:

“A Brave New Work: Are You Ready to Reinvent Your Organization?” by Aaron Dignan

This is a fascinating book on the future of work and what a reinvented organization could look like. Dignan leverages a lot of Scrum principles in this work but sometimes with a twist.

“The Splendid and the Vile: A Saga of Churchill, Family, and Defiance During the Blitz” by Erik Larson

A brilliantly researched book (as all of Larsen's are) but I have to disagree with the subtitle. As you read you realize this book also shows how Churchill leveraged “Agile techniques” to prepare England's respond to Hitler’s take over of Europe and to win the Battle of Britain

Veronica Ruiz, Director, Marketing and Communications recommends:

Ghost Boys - by Jewell Parker Rhodes

Twelve-year-old Jerome is shot by a police officer who mistakes his toy gun for a real threat. As a ghost, he observes the devastation that’s been unleashed on his family and community in the wake of what they see as an unjust and brutal killing.

This book was assigned to my fifth grader, parents were also invited to read it. I am glad that I did. The book tackles timely issues like racial bias, bullying, and class directly, honestly, and deftly. It reflects current events and explores the long history of racism. It is a short and powerful book.

Patrick Roach, Chief Product Owner, Training & Consulting recommends:

"Make Me Smart" hosted by Kai Ryssdal and Molly Wood

This is a daily news podcast focused on tech, the economy, and culture. It's ~15 minutes of well-researched content that only focuses on a few topics each day. Kai and Molly do a great job of making sense of what it all means. I learn something new every day.

Brandon Cole, Art Director recommends:

"Atomic Habits, An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones" by James Clear

Why do we struggle to change or improve our habits? James Clear writes one of my favorite reads of the last few years in Atomic Habits, discussing the importance of tiny changes and marginal gains. His balance of storytelling and statistics reminds me of a Malcolm Gladwell book where you find yourself grabbing a pencil or highlighter to document some of the information.

Find yourself questioning the norms of habit-forming in this excellent New York Times bestselling book.

"Lean Presentation Design" by Maurizio La Cava

Did you know many people spend more time designing and organizing in PowerPoint than they do creating the content? In Lean Presentation Design, Maurizio La Cava covers everything you need to know about creating successful presentations without being a designer.

Jess Jagoditsh, Scrum of Scrums Master, Transformation recommends:

"Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine" by Gail Honeyman

This is a story about our inherent need for human connection. Events from Eleanor's past erased her understanding of why humans need each other and of the warm feelings that come with friendship and caring. The story is particularly relevant right now as the global pandemic and shelter-in-place have caused many of us to be at home, sometimes alone, every day. Let us not forget the importance of having relationships and community.

Jack Harmening, Transformation Team Member recommends:

"The Fate of Rome: Climate, Disease, and the End of an Empire" by Kyle Harper

The Fate of Rome is my first foray into a new kind of historical analysis that links biology, economics, and good old-fashioned archeology. It's just an awesome book for any fan of history. Harper describes how different experts have analyzed bones, cliffsides, soil, coins, viruses, bacteria, and of course, ancient documents, to track a complete history of the health and wealth of the Roman people, as well as the climate and disease ecologies they experienced. The Rise and Fall of Rome were both more linked to external variables than I ever imagined. Read this if you want to learn from the past, so that, maybe, we aren't doomed to repeat it.

"The Narrow Corridor: States, Societies, and the Fate of Liberty" by Daron Acemoglu and James A. Robinson

Another historical view of economics and institutions, I paired this one with 'The Fate of Rome' because Acemoglu has always been interested in how institutional design affects the wealth of nations. The conclusion here is that personal and political liberties persist when a set of institutions walk the 'narrow corridor,' dodging authoritarianism or weak governance on either side. Perhaps if the Romans not been dominated by "extractive" hierarchies, perhaps they could have innovated enough to survive the changing climate and plagues that shook its foundations. Read this if you want to learn more about why some nations fail, and others succeed.

Tom Bullock, Product Owner, Storyteller recommends:

“Why We're Polarized" by Ezra Klein

Yes, this is a book about the causes and effects of America’s polarized political system. Dig a little deeper and it's about much more than that. Klein weaves in a significant amount of social science and data to help explain how and why polarization occurs. And it can occur anywhere. This non-partisan book about politics is a must for anyone thinking about change management.

“What's Magic Without A Little Mischief" by Charlie Bullock

Sorry, you can't get a copy of this one, not yet at least. But I still think it's worth sharing. Charlie, our 9-year-old daughter, loves to write. Summer felt like the perfect time to start her first novel. What’s Magic WIthout a Little Mischief tells the tale of the Ko children as they discover the secrets their murdered parents never told them, including the magical abilities they all possess, and the threat they face in the shadows. Charlie is 6 chapters in, and I’m loving it!

Megan Fremont-Smith, Transformation Team Member recommends:

"Dare to Lead" by Brene Brown

This book is about using courage and vulnerability to lead. If you are looking for a good read on the human-centric approach to leadership this book is for you.

Ray Robinson, Transformation Advisor recommends:

"Principles" by Ray Dalio

I was drawn to Ray Dalio’s after seeing him on a 60 Minutes segment. In his most recent book, Mr. Dalio gives a biographical narrative to his successful rise in the financial industry. Through his experiences, he came to develop a fairly lengthy set of learned principles he has leveraged to reach his success.

Two favorite things about the book:

1) The backstory of Bridgewater Associates

2) Dalio does have a deep appreciation for the importance of people and culture in a successful organization

The post 2020 Scrummer Reading List+ appeared first on Scrum Inc.

2020 Scrummer Reading List+ published first on https://koresolpage.tumblr.com/

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fashiontrendin-blog · 7 years ago

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Who won big at the Fashion Awards 2017?

http://fashion-trendin.com/who-won-big-at-the-fashion-awards-2017/

Who won big at the Fashion Awards 2017?

Which of his ‘babies’ does double winner JWA love more? Where does Virgil Abloh go to party? and why couldn’t Adwaoh Aboah speak? Find out all this and more in our insiders’ report on fashion’s biggest night of the year…

Last night’s annual Fashion Awards, housed in the iconic Royal Albert Hall, honoured the glitterati of the fashion industry in an emotionally charged ceremony that combined major international glamour with poignancy – and unusual star turns galore. During the Fashion Awards 2017, there was a tribute to the late, great Azzedine Alaia (who died recently) from his tearful protegee Naomi Campbell, and a rendition of George Michael’s Freedom by Rita Ora, backed by a gay mens’ chorus – of course. There were major A-listers in attendance, from red carpet attendees like Selena Gomez to industry heavyweights including Anna Wintour.

What used to be a mainly Brit-focused affair is fast turning into a global event to rival the Met Ball for international clout – last night’s ceremony saw Dior’s Maria Grazia Chiuri make the trip over from Paris HQ to receive the first ever award for Positive Change, in recognition of her feminist-focused designs. Her predecessor at Dior, Raf Simons – now making headlines over at Calvin Klein – was also at the Albert Hall to receive the night’s biggest nod, Designer of the Year.

Marie Claire’s Jess Wood was backstage to chat to some of the winners – and to see major moments like John Galliano dancing down a corridor hand in hand with Donatella Versace (honoured with a special Fashion Icon award), while make-up queen Pat McGrath giggled from the sidelines.

Here’s what some of our favourites had to say…

Adwoah Aboah

Winner – Model of the Year

Shimmying backstage in her turban, Christian Louboutin plaforms and head-to-toe sequins by hot young London designer Michael Halpern (another of the night’s winners), girls’ mental health advocate and Gurls Talk founder Adwoah was speechless for a full minute when asked what winning meant to her.

‘It means so so much. London is home and I’ve watched a lot of my close friends pick up this award – I’ve also really looked up to their careers so to be following after them means a lot. To be sitting next to my mum and dad, and next to everyone from Professor Green to Stormzy to Maria Grazia, who have all been massive supports to me…I’m really really grateful.’ She’s got more than the award to be excited about, too – she’s just been announced as a newly-minted BFC (British Fashion Council) ambassador. She’ll no doubt be rolling up her sleeves and tackling taboo issues like models’ rights with typical guts.

Michael Halpern

Winner, British Emerging Talent – Womenswear (for Halpern)

You might not be that familiar with his name – yet – but that’s about to change, big time. Young London-based designer Halpern is fast becoming known as the new ‘king of cool glamour’ with his Studio 54-inspired sequins and glitz. But as he told us, sequins need to be taken seriously…

‘I’m a magpie in every regard. But what’s important is not just to focus on the disco era but the attitude that those people had – it was rebellion and trying to stand up for something. Using this idea of glitter and sequins as rebellion, that’s where I’m coming from.’ he told us with one arm round Pamela Anderson, his idol (and everyone else’s, as it turns out – who knew?), who was dressed in black floor-length Halpern sequins to present him with his award. So, um, what is it about Pammie, Michael?

‘Pamela was my OMG moment this evening! When I heard she was presenting the category tonight, I just wanted to meet her, I didn’t care if I won or not. She’s super authentic, she’s not trying to be anyone else. Nowadays, so many people are involved with their personas on Instagram and how they present themselves, and she’s just very honest in that way.’ Fashion fans, now you know…

Virgil Abloh

Winner, Urban Luxe award for Off/White

The coolest – and nicest – man in fashion, wearing trainers with his tux (obvs), stopped for a good old chinwag about his many talents and plans. He’s an architect by training, a longtime collaborator of Kanye West’s, and has pretty much been responsible for turning streetwear into a luxury fashion category with his label Off/White. But did you know he likes to spin a tune too? Read on…

‘With me, youthfulness is at the heart of it all – whenever I’m putting together my own look, it’s about ‘what’s red carpet for a 17 year old kid?’ and I guarantee he’s more comfortable in Nikes than dress shoes,’ Abloh told us about his Fashion Awards look. As for his award?

‘I love winning awards but I can’t place too much value on it. It’s super cool that they’re acknowledging this category now. British fashion has been integral to my career – Kim Jones has been my mentor for over 10 years. Louise Wilson [late legendary St Martin’s tutor] was my supporter and advisor, without going to St Martin’s – but she was someone who believed in today. Half my family is in London, and I’ve always felt an affinity for it as a melting pot. From Carnival, to grime, to skateboarding, club music…Music and streetwear has been here forever – music, rhyme, club dance have all influenced why sneakers are in trend. I come from that kind of back door of culture – I just gave myself the task of making it ‘high fashion”.

So, Virgil, what will you be doing to celebrate?

‘I’m going to celebrate by DJing at my own Off/White nightclub at Somerset House – at 180 Strand. I’m an architect by training. I’ve built this as a one off, one-night-only project. I’m playing at midnight – it goes on till 3am, playing house and techno. This is fun, but my whole sphere is like 4am on the dancefloor, DJing…’ Our names are on the door, yeah, Virgil?

JW Anderson

Winner, Accessories Designer of the Year (for Loewe) AND Womenswear Designer of the Year (for JW Anderson)

Yikes, the JDubz has done a double! Fashion’s most talented young whippersnapper scooped a major prize for each of his labels, a rarity in fashion awards history. So, which is he most excited about?

‘I can’t pick sides – it’s like having two babies. I love both brands!’ He confessed to us. ‘Actually, it’s kind of difficult to accept this – I feel like we’re in a very challenging moment in general and it’s difficult to feel you can accept something like this when things are very complicated. But I love my work. Sometimes I feel guilty and a bit like ‘am I going to be hated (or double hated) for my success? But who cares?’ Did he have a sneaking suspicion he might win? ‘Last year I came and I lost 4 awards! So I come with no expectations! As long as I’m drinking and having a good time then I’m fine.’ Cheers, JWA…

Scroll down for the full list of winners and some of the night’s best red-carpet looks…

Selena Gomez in Coach, below

Kaia Gerber in Ralph & Russo, below

Adwoah Aboah in Michael Halpern, below

FKATwigs in Versace, below

Host Karlie Kloss in Vivienne Westwood Couture, below

Here’s who won at the Fashion Awards 2017

Model of the Year: Adwoa Aboah

Outstanding Contribution to British Fashion Award: Christopher Bailey

British Designer of the Year- Menswear: Craig Green for Craig Green

British Designer of the Year- Womenswear: Jonathan Anderson for JW Anderson

Accessories Designer of the Year: Jonathan Anderson for Loewe

Swarovski Award For Positive Change: Maria Grazia Chiuri for Dior

Urban Luxe Brand: Off-White

Isabella Blow Award for Fashion Creator: Pat McGrath

British Emerging Talent – Womenswear: Michael Halpern for Hapern

British Emerging Talent – Menswear: Charles Jeffrey for Charles Jeffery Loverboy

Business Leader: Marco Bizzarri for Gucci

Special Recognition Award For Innovation: Stella McCartney

Style Icon: Donatella Versace

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petero1298 · 7 years ago

Photo

S&P 500: 11 Dec 2017 (End of Day, EOD)

The Trend is: UP (Strength @ 100%)

Daily Price Action: The daily price action is bullish.

Remarks

Since the trend is UP; you should not short sell the S&P 500 index.

Since the Daily Price Action is bullish, it does not make sense to be in CASH.

So the only logical position at this point in time is to be LONG.

S&P 500 e-minis position based on data @ 21 Nov 2017 EOD: LONG

Current Stock holding: OLED, MU

—————————————-

The indicators used in my chart are quite sensitive. Meaning there is no point in preempting or front running potential changes in signals. It’s better to just wait for the signals to change and weigh up the weight of evidence.

This blog is a Work-in-progress. While every effort is made to maintain accuracy and consistency, you should expect unannounced edits, changes in format style and content. This blog will evolve as my thinking evolves in response to an ever changing stock market.

“My Thoughts About Technical Analysis” was posted on 4 June 2017, 19 July 2017

——————————————-

What are we doing here?

“ Technical Analysis is a windsock, not a crystal ball. “ - Carl Swenlin. (Editor: We are using technical analysis to measure what the trend is doing today. We are not using it to predict what the trend will do tomorrow.)

“Good investment advice is repetitive and boring. There is nothing exciting about it.” – D. Muthukrishnan

——————————————

Why do we need to invest or trade in the stock market?

“Unless you have a wealthy relative, the only way you are ever going to lift yourself above the great unrich - absolutely the only hope you have - is to take a risk.” - Max Gunther

“If you think being an entrepreneur (investor) is risky, try working for someone else for 40 years and living off social security.” - Warren Buffet

“If you don’t find a way to make money while you sleep, you will work until you die.” - Warren Buffet

———————————————-

The correct attitude towards risk

“To make any kind of gain in life, … you must place some of your material and/or emotional capital at risk. That is the law of the universe. Except by blind chance, it cannot be circumvented. There are no appeals. It is the law. - Max Gunther

“Everybody wants to win, of course. But not everybody wants to bet, and therein lies a difference of the greatest magnitude.” - Max Gunther

“You can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” - Jim Carrey

“Die on your feet or live on your knees.” - Anonymous

“Worry is not a sickness but a sign of health. If you are not worried, you are not risking enough.” - Max Gunther

“Luck: Events that influence your life and are seemingly beyond your control.” - Max Gunther

“The secret to happiness is freedom (wealth?). The secret to freedom (wealth?) is courage.” - Thucydides

“The strong do what they want and the weak suffer what they must. Fairness exists only in question (negotiations) between equals in power.” - Thucydides

—————————————–

“Scared money never wins.” - Anonymous

“The desire for constant action irrespective of underlying conditions is responsible for many losses on Wall Street even among the professionals, who feel that they must take home some money every day, as though they were working for regular wages.” - Jesse Livermore

“I have never seen short-term trading work over the long run.” - Anonymous

“If you can’t sleep at night because of your stock market position, then you have gone too far. If this is the case, then sell your position down to the sleeping level.” - Jesse Livermore

“Systems don’t need to be changed. The trick is for a trader to develop a system with which he is compatible.” - Ed Seykota

—————————————————–

“I’ve learned many things from George Soros but perhaps the most significant is that it’s not whether you’re right or wrong that’s important, but how much money you make when you’re right and how much you lose when you’re wrong. When you have a tremendous conviction on a trade, you have to go for the jugular. As far as Soros is concerned, when you’re right on something, you can’t own enough. It takes courage to ride a profit with huge leverage. It takes courage to be a pig.“ - Stanley Druckenmiller

“What you described is an incredible one-way bet. We should have 200 percent of our net worth in this trade, not 100 percent. Do you know how often something like this comes around?” - George Soros to Stanley Druckenmiller on the British pound short bet

“And then all that is required is a willingness to bet heavily when the odds are extremely favorable, using resources available as a result of prudence and patience in the past. It’s not given to human beings to have such talent that they can just know everything about everything all the time. But it is given to human beings who work hard at it—who look and sift the world for a mispriced bet—that they can occasionally find one. And the wise ones bet heavily when the world offers them that opportunity. They bet big when they have the odds. And the rest of the time, they don’t. It’s just that simple.” - Charlie Munger (Editor: Charlie Munger argues that hitting a few financial home runs in a lifetime is all you need for financial success. Unfortunately, being patient, brave and aggressive is not a typical combination of character traits for most people.)

“The way to build superior long-term returns is through preservation of capital and home runs. … ” - Stanley Druckenmiller

“The second piece, analytically, is bet size, which is once you have an edge, how much do you bet in your portfolio? That’s a second key component which is often overlooked.” - Michael Mauboussin

“Always play for meaningful stakes but don’t bet amounts whose loss would bankrupt you.” - Max Gunther

———————————————————

“Diversification is a protection against ignorance. It makes very little sense for those that know what they are doing.” - Warren Buffet

”Put all your eggs in one basket and then watch the basket very carefully. These sorts of trades don’t happen often though. They usually happen one or two times a year,”- Stanley Druckenmiller

“I only focus on what is black or white and kind of sift out the gray area in my investing style.” - Stanley Druckenmiller

“ … but the mistake I’d say 98 percent of money managers and individuals make is they feel like they’ve got to be playing with a bunch of stuff.” - Stanley Druckenmiller

(Editor: Why invest in anything which you are unsure about when there are other options that you are more sure about? This is simple “opportunity cost” thinking.)

“There are 3 types of stocks. Bullish, bearish and too difficult. In a bull market, stick with bullish stocks.” - Editor

————————————————————–

(Editor: Stanley Druckenmiller is referring here to the importance of identifying what Mario Gabelli calls a catalyst. Gabelli writes: “A catalyst may take many forms and can be an industry or company specific event. Catalysts can be a regulatory change, industry consolidation, a repurchase of shares, a sale or spin-off of a division, or a change in management.” Valuation is most valuable when it can be combined with a catalyst. Buying at an attractive valuation gives you a margin of safety against mistakes and the catalyst can provide you will a turbocharged result on that basic foundation.

———————————————————-

“Trends persist.” - Richard Donchian

[[[ Priority #1 in Technical Analysis is to identify the direction of the primary trend. That’s all we’re doing here. Which way is the stock going? Up or down? Answering that is step one. Then we want to look for either signs of strength or signs of exhaustion.

Price is the most important technical indicator we have. Moving averages are therefore a supplement to price behavior in the trend identification process.

If prices are making higher highs and higher lows above an upward sloping 200 day moving average, it’s most likely not in a downtrend.

… my sole use for a moving average is to help identify the direction of the primary and/or secondary trend in a given market. This is not for buy and sell signals.

Something we want to avoid is when a stock (or any asset) is trading near a flat 200 period moving average. This is typically an environment that lacks any trend. ]]] - JC Parets

[[[ “There’s no such thing as overbought in an uptrend.” Technical analysis’ primary goal is to find stocks that are trending and then take advantage of that trend. Assuming you don’t short things (please don’t), then the only way to make money as an investor is to buy low and sell high - i.e., ride an uptrend.

Given that finding and riding uptrends is our primary mission, once you are riding an uptrend, why would you ever get off of it before it reverses? This is where the concept of “overbought” can work against you.

“Oscillators oscillate.” This brilliant insight reminds me that many technical indicators go up and down frequently - even if the stock is continuing to move higher. They can’t help it. They were designed to work that way. (In reality, they are meant to be used when a stock is moving sideways, not when it is in an uptrend.) ]]] - Chip Anderson

“A bull market is defined as a rising 200 day moving average. And a rising 200 day moving average will keep rising (trends persist) ... until it stops rising. You have two options: (1) Stay long and keep buying the dips until the 200 day moving average stops rising. (2) Swing trade. Buy the upside breakouts when there is a burst of bullish strength. And sell when the bullish swing weakens. In both the two options, your margin of safety is the rising 200 day moving average. This is easier said than done since you have to actively mange your emotions and fears as well as position size during periods of price weakness.” - Editor

“The market can remain irrational longer than you can remain solvent.” - John Maynard Keynes. Editor: So don’t fight the long term (primary) trend which is the 200 day moving average.

“In a bull market, buy fast and sell slow.” - Anonymous

“In a bull market, negative divergences (eg. momentum or breadth) tend to resolve themselves to the upside. This is called the bull market bias.” - Anonymous with hat tip to Carl Swenlin

“In a bull market, you buy the technically oversold condition. In a bear market, you short sell the over bought condition.” - Anonymous

————————————————————

“Daniel-san, trust quality of what you know, not quantity.” - Mr Miyagi, Karate Kid. ( It’s not how much you know. It’s how well you have mastered what you already know.)

“It’s not what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” - Mark Twain

“Complexity is your enemy. Anybody can make things complicated. It’s hard to keep things simple.” - Richard Branson

“Simplicity has a way of improving performance through enabling us to better understand what we are doing.” - Charlie Munger

“Simple is not always best. But best is always simple.” - Anonymous

“It is not necessary to do extraordinary things to get extraordinary results.” - Warren Buffet

“Build systems, not goals. When you set a goal, you can fail to reach it. But with a system you always win.” Real success comes from following a system – not a random assortment of good ideas. - Ramit Sethi

“Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they become too heavy to be broken.” - Warren Buffet

—————————————————————-

“The main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing.” - Anonymous

“Your focus determines your reality.” - Qui-Gon Jinn, Star Wars Episode 1 (Editor: So what do you want to go big on?)

“I made my first investment at age eleven. I was wasting my life up until then.” - Warren Buffet

“Focus—and true productivity—is not what we’re doing but what we’re not doing.” - Caroline Beaton

“You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.” — John Maxwell

“Instead of widening your options, narrow your priorities.” - Caroline Beaton (Editor: So what do you want to go big on?)

“He who defends everything defends nothing.” – Frederick the Great

“Just because something is valuable doesn’t mean that we need it.” ― Elle Luna

————————————————-

“Not every decision we make is actually rational. We see what we want to see filtered through our inherent biases, and then we make decisions based on those biases. These biases are called cognitive biases and we all have them.” - Christine Comaford

“There is only one side of the market and it is not the bull side or the bear side, but the right side.” - Jesse Livermore (Editor: In the stock market, both bulls and bears can trade profitably. But pigs and mules tend to get slaughtered)

“I think it was a long step forward in my trading education when I realized at last that when old Mr. Partridge kept on telling other customers, “Well, you know this is a bull market!” he really meant to tell them that the big money was not in the individual fluctuations but in the main movements that is, not in reading the tape but in sizing up the entire market and its trend.” - Jesse Livermore

————————————————————————–

“The only way you can make money in the market is with a trend. Price has to trend (move) higher or lower or you just break even. This trend can be hours or months, smooth or choppy but it’s that trend, the movement of price that makes you money. The trend, indeed, is your friend. “ Unknown

(Editorial comment: The more stable [or less volatile] the trend, the easier it is to make money.)

“Trading is all about putting the odds in our favor, and we can increase our odds with one key assumption: The trend will remain in force until proven otherwise. In other words, a trend in motion is expected to stay in motion or assume that the trend will extend, and not end. - Arthur Hill

(Editorial comment: “The trend is up until it is not.”)

“Isn’t it strange how you want to enter long positions during a bull market, but you want to wait on that “pullback”? Then the market pulls back and you think the selling has just begun and you don’t want to enter too early so you wait. Everyone goes through this mental game.” - Tom Bowley

“Corrections are tricky because nobody knows how long they will last, how far they will extend and what path they will take. … the bigger trend is up … timing a correction is difficult. … I prefer timing the end of the correction rather than the beginning.“ - Arthur Hill

“Don’t buy the dip. Buy after the dip, once it begins to turn higher again. You don’t want to buy weakness indiscriminately. If you wait for the evidence that the buyers are back in control, you have a much higher probability trade with lower risk and stress.” - Brian Shannon

“One of the biggest challenges in technical analysis is to distinguish between a mere correction and the start of a bigger downtrend.” - Arthur Hill

“I find it more useful to call any weakness in an uptrend as a “test” of that uptrend rather than a “pullback”. It may be semantics to you, but calling it a “test” puts me in a frame of mind to start looking for evidence and price targets.” - Editor

“When I'm bearish and I sell a stock, each sale must be at a lower level than the previous sale. When I am buying, the reverse is true. I must buy on a rising scale. I don’t buy long stocks on a scale down, I buy on a scale up.” - Jesse Livermore

“It is said that while bottoms are events, but tops are processes. Translated, markets bottom out when panic sets in, and therefore they can be more easily identifiable. By contrast, market tops form when a series of conditions come together, but not necessarily all at the same time” - Cam Hui

——————————————————————————-

“Man plans, and God laughs” - Yiddish Proverb

“Everybody has a plan until they get hit in the face. Then, like a rat, they stop in fear and freeze.” - Mike Tyson

“In economics (and markets), things take longer to happen than you think they will, and then they happen faster than you thought they could.” - Rudiger Dornbusch

“You can’t prepare for everything, but the things you can prepare for can set you up for life.” - Ramit Sethi

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.” - Charles Darwin

———————————————————————————

“Correlations on many assets go to one during a crisis.” - Unknown

“You can get in way more trouble with a good idea than a bad idea, because you forget that the good idea has limits.” – Ben Graham

“Not dead. Can’t quit.” - Richard Machowicz

“My goal is to build a life I don’t need a vacation from.” - Unknown

“The things that make life worth living cannot be thought in your head. It must be felt in your heart.” - Unknown

0 notes

petero1298 · 7 years ago

Photo

S&P 500: 8 Dec 2017 (End of Day, EOD)

The Trend is: UP (Strength @ 100%)

Daily Price Action: The daily price action is bullish.

Remarks

Since the trend is UP; you should not short sell the S&P 500 index.

Since the Daily Price Action is bullish, it does not make sense to be in CASH.

So the only logical position at this point in time is to be LONG.

S&P 500 e-minis position based on data @ 21 Nov 2017 EOD: LONG

Current Stock holding: OLED, MU

—————————————-

“My Thoughts About Technical Analysis” was posted on 4 June 2017, 19 July 2017

——————————————-

What are we doing here?

“Good investment advice is repetitive and boring. There is nothing exciting about it.” – D. Muthukrishnan

------------------------------------------

Why do we need to invest or trade in the stock market?

“Unless you have a wealthy relative, the only way you are ever going to lift yourself above the great unrich - absolutely the only hope you have - is to take a risk.” - Max Gunther

“If you think being an entrepreneur (investor) is risky, try working for someone else for 40 years and living off social security.” - Warren Buffet

“If you don’t find a way to make money while you sleep, you will work until you die.” - Warren Buffet

----------------------------------------------

The correct attitude towards risk

“Everybody wants to win, of course. But not everybody wants to bet, and therein lies a difference of the greatest magnitude.” - Max Gunther

“You can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” - Jim Carrey

“Worry is not a sickness but a sign of health. If you are not worried, you are not risking enough.” - Max Gunther

“The secret to happiness is freedom (wealth?). The secret to freedom (wealth?) is courage.” - Thucydides

“Die on your feet or live on your knees.” - Anonymous

“The strong do what they want and the weak suffer what they must. Fairness exists only in question (negotiations) between equals in power.” - Thucydides

-----------------------------------------

“Scared money never wins.” - Anonymous

“I have never seen short-term trading work over the long run.” - Anonymous

“If you can’t sleep at night because of your stock market position, then you have gone too far. If this is the case, then sell your position down to the sleeping level.” - Jesse Livermore

“Systems don’t need to be changed. The trick is for a trader to develop a system with which he is compatible.” - Ed Seykota

-----------------------------------------------------

“The way to build superior long-term returns is through preservation of capital and home runs. … ” - Stanley Druckenmiller

---------------------------------------------------------

“Diversification is a protection against ignorance. It makes very little sense for those that know what they are doing.” - Warren Buffet

”Put all your eggs in one basket and then watch the basket very carefully. These sorts of trades don’t happen often though. They usually happen one or two times a year,”- Stanley Druckenmiller

“I only focus on what is black or white and kind of sift out the gray area in my investing style.” - Stanley Druckenmiller

“ ... but the mistake I’d say 98 percent of money managers and individuals make is they feel like they’ve got to be playing with a bunch of stuff.” - Stanley Druckenmiller

(Editor: Why invest in anything which you are unsure about when there are other options that you are more sure about? This is simple “opportunity cost” thinking.)

--------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------

Price is the most important technical indicator we have. Moving averages are therefore a supplement to price behavior in the trend identification process.

If prices are making higher highs and higher lows above an upward sloping 200 day moving average, it’s most likely not in a downtrend.

… my sole use for a moving average is to help identify the direction of the primary and/or secondary trend in a given market. This is not for buy and sell signals.

Something we want to avoid is when a stock (or any asset) is trading near a flat 200 period moving average. This is typically an environment that lacks any trend. ]]] - JC Parets

“Trends persist.” - Richard Donchian

“In a bull market, buy fast and sell slow.” - Anonymous

“In a bull market, negative divergences (eg. momentum or breadth) tend to resolve themselves to the upside. This is called the bull market bias.” - Anonymous with hat tip to Carl Swenlin

“In a bull market, you buy the technically oversold condition. In a bear market, you short sell the over bought condition.” - Anonymous

------------------------------------------------------------

“Daniel-san, trust quality of what you know, not quantity.” - Mr Miyagi, Karate Kid. ( It’s not how much you know. It’s how well you have mastered what you already know.)

“It’s not what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” - Mark Twain

“Complexity is your enemy. Anybody can make things complicated. It’s hard to keep things simple.” - Richard Branson

“Simplicity has a way of improving performance through enabling us to better understand what we are doing.” - Charlie Munger

“Simple is not always best. But best is always simple.” - Anonymous

“It is not necessary to do extraordinary things to get extraordinary results.” - Warren Buffet

“Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they become too heavy to be broken.” - Warren Buffet

----------------------------------------------------------------

“The main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing.” - Anonymous

“Your focus determines your reality.” - Qui-Gon Jinn, Star Wars Episode 1 (Editor: So what do you want to go big on?)

“I made my first investment at age eleven. I was wasting my life up until then.” - Warren Buffet

“Focus—and true productivity—is not what we’re doing but what we’re not doing.” - Caroline Beaton

“You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.” — John Maxwell

“Instead of widening your options, narrow your priorities.” - Caroline Beaton (Editor: So what do you want to go big on?)

“Just because something is valuable doesn’t mean that we need it.” ― Elle Luna

-------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Editorial comment: The more stable [or less volatile] the trend, the easier it is to make money.)

(Editorial comment: “The trend is up until it is not.”)

“One of the biggest challenges in technical analysis is to distinguish between a mere correction and the start of a bigger downtrend.” - Arthur Hill

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Man plans, and God laughs” - Yiddish Proverb

“Everybody has a plan until they get hit in the face. Then, like a rat, they stop in fear and freeze.” - Mike Tyson

“In economics (and markets), things take longer to happen than you think they will, and then they happen faster than you thought they could.” - Rudiger Dornbusch

“You can’t prepare for everything, but the things you can prepare for can set you up for life.” - Ramit Sethi

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.” - Charles Darwin

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Correlations on many assets go to one during a crisis.” - Unknown

“You can get in way more trouble with a good idea than a bad idea, because you forget that the good idea has limits.” – Ben Graham

“Not dead. Can’t quit.” - Richard Machowicz

“My goal is to build a life I don’t need a vacation from.” - Unknown

“The things that make life worth living cannot be thought in your head. It must be felt in your heart.” - Unknown

0 notes

petero1298 · 7 years ago

Photo

S&P 500: 7 Dec 2017 (End of Day, EOD)

The Trend is: UP (Strength @ 100%)

Daily Price Action: The daily price action is bullish.

Remarks

Since the trend is UP; you should not short sell the S&P 500 index.

Since the Daily Price Action is bullish, it does not make sense to be in CASH.

So the only logical position at this point in time is to be LONG.

S&P 500 e-minis position based on data @ 21 Nov 2017 EOD: LONG

Current Stock holding: OLED

—————————————-

“My Thoughts About Technical Analysis” was posted on 4 June 2017, 19 July 2017

——————————————-

“ Technical Analysis is a windsock, not a crystal ball. “ - Carl Swenlin. (Editorial comment: We are using technical analysis to measure what the trend is doing today. We are not using it to predict what the trend will do tomorrow.)

“Good investment advice is repetitive and boring. There is nothing exciting about it.” – D. Muthukrishnan

“Everybody wants to win, of course. But not everybody wants to bet, and therein lies a difference of the greatest magnitude.” - Max Gunther

“Worry is not a sickness but a sign of health. If you are not worried, you are not risking enough.” - Max Gunther

“If you think being an entrepreneur (investor) is risky, try working for someone else for 40 years and living off social security.” - Warren Buffet

“Scared money never wins.” - Anonymous

“If you can’t sleep at night because of your stock market position, then you have gone too far. If this is the case, then sell your position down to the sleeping level.” - Jesse Livermore

“You can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” - Jim Carrey

“Systems don’t need to be changed. The trick is for a trader to develop a system with which he is compatible.” - Ed Seykota

“I have never seen short-term trading work over the long run.” - Anonymous

"What you described is an incredible one-way bet. We should have 200 percent of our net worth in this trade, not 100 percent. Do you know how often something like this comes around?" - George Soros to Stanley Druckenmiller on the British pound short bet

"And if you look at what excites you and then you look down the road, your record on those particular transactions is far superior to everything else, but the mistake I'd say 98 percent of money managers and individuals make is they feel like they've got to be playing with a bunch of stuff. And if you really see it, put all your eggs in one basket and watch the basket very carefully. These sorts of trades don't happen often though. They usually happen one or two times a year,” - Stanley Druckenmiller

“The way to build superior long-term returns is through preservation of capital and home runs. ... ” - Stanley Druckenmiller

“Diversification is a protection against ignorance. It makes very little sense for those that know what they are doing.” - Warren Buffet

“I only focus on what is black or white and kind of sift out the gray area in my investing style.” - Stanley Druckenmiller

(Editor: Why invest in anything which you are unsure about when there are other options that you are more sure about? This is simple “opportunity cost” thinking.)

”Put all your eggs in one basket and then watch the basket very carefully.”- Stanley Druckenmiller