#feels really specal to me

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

June 30th

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1. Ok this might be a shot in the dark. But do you know of a fic where basically it’s an arranged marriage (kind of) between lan zhan and trans (ftm) wei ying. It believe it is based on a reddit thread of a gay guy who got into an arranged marriage with a woman, but they actually are a trans man. Anyways…the reddit posts are deleted by now. But I remember reading this fic a couple years back and I can’t find it anywhere. Either it’s been deleted or hopefully someone else is able to find it 😭

FOUND? Lift Us Where Suffering Cannot Reach by Khashana (T, 8k, WangXian, Modern, Arranged Marriage, Marriage of Convenience, fake married, Sort Of, Rule 63, Trans Woman WWX, Partial Cisswap, implied background/societal homo/transphobia, But nothing overt, background LXC/Qin Su also in a marriage of convenience way, gender euphoria, the mortifying ordeal of falling in love with your spouse, based on that one reddit post, Light Angst, Light Pining, this fic is soft mostly) I think #1 might be this one, although wwx is a trans woman in it (it's a wlw wangxian AU) rather than a trans man

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2. Hi!! I cant remember if I already sent this or just thought really hard about it 😪 Im looking for a modern AU fic where WWX is dx'd ADHD and he and LWJ slowly start a relationship. The scene I remember most clearly is there being fireworks and it send LWJ into a meltdown. Ether just before or after the meltdown he found out LXC and LQR have been trying to get him diagnosed with Autism.

Xiao Xingchen is an adult psych who specalizes in neurodivergence iirc, and WWX helps make LWJ feel more okay w possibly being neurodiverse by talking about his experience w ADHD and Xiao Xingchen.

🙇‍♀️ thank you! @la-voce-to-me

FOUND! together, we're just enough by lulu_kitty (E, 134k, WangXian, Modern AU, Bartender LWJ, single dad wwx, Kid fic (sort of), Excessive Fluff, Yearning, neurodivergent wangxian, canonical parental issues, lwj in jewelry, accidental sugar gege wwx, Bottom LWJ, Service Top WWX, Bisexual WWX, Rich WWX, a-yuan is a wei but still also a wen, wwx is a-yuan's biological baba, Older WWX, Younger LWJ, Slow-ish burn, Light Dom/sub, Brief LWJ/Others, Past WWX/Other(s)) sounds a lot like the happenings in chapter 8!

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3. hey admins! i'm looking for a fic where wwx is from the modern world back and somehow goes back in time to the cloud recesses and spends some time there, and towards the end of the fic lwj goes back to the modern with wwx. (i also remember that wwx and lwj goes back and forth often visiting each others home) thanks! <3

FOUND? Wrong Turn, Right Place by diamondbruise (E, 71k, WangXian, Time Travel, kind of, it’s more reality travel but there’s modern wwx and cultivator lwj, Mutual Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jealousy, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Misunderstandings, Cultural Differences)

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4. This for fic finder. Its an old fic. Modern au focused on junior quartet. I dont know if the fic is several fic or in one fic. Junior quartet is in a club where they make a magazine (sorry i forgot the word both in my language and in english). They have an access to a school forum. LJY found an old forum talking about wangxian. Like the people in that forum failed to make wangxian happen in the past. If i remember correctly, they tried to matchmake wangxian. They ask LWJ to accompany them to yunmeng. In yunmeng, there are big festival happened there and they meet the jiang family in second floor of the restaurant to watch the festival from there. I think the jiangs is a respectable family that many people know them. So long story short, they manage to matchmake wangxian. I dont know if LJY release the news to that old forum or someone did. Just that LJY have an inkling the account that helped them is NHS. I dont know if this is important but LJY username has connection to chicken. I think thats all. Thank you @idontknowwhattowriteforusername

FOUND! Operation Old Men by Chiharu (Not Rated, 37k, WangXIan, JL & LSZ & LJY, JYL/JZX, Modern, Boarding School, Single Parents, Everyone Is Alive, Matchmaking, Family Dynamics, Hospitals, Meet the Family, Family Vacation, Weddings, School Reunion, Happy Ending)

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5. this for ficfinder! i need help looking for a time travel fic wherein established wangxian travel back to their teen years. iirc wwx and lwj writes to each other in secret and wwx invents talismans to give to the jiang sect so that he can repay his debts and leave the clan when he is at a certain age. lwj also leaves (??). i think they become rogue cultivators tgt. im pretty sure i have this downloaded but i cant find it from hundreds of fics bc i cant rmbr the name 😭

FOUND! Trials of Time by Muggle_Diary (E, 32k, wangxian, major character death, underage, time travel, not jiang friendly, not YZY friendly, not JC friendly, butterfly effect)

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6. Hello!! So i think the fic got deleted but all i can remember was wangxian had mythical creature eggs? Like they had a dragon,tiger,snake&turqoise and phoenix and they can talk telepathically at first then they can shift to humans later on!Thank you again so much!!!!

FOUND? For #6 with telepathic creatures, I haven't read the fic, but could it be that magical marriage ribbons series?

FOUND? #6 is My Immortal. I can't do the link on I'm my phone. It has the mythical beasts.

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7. Hii, I'm looking for a fic in which lan zhan goes to a party with lan xichen and then keeps going to the same house where the party is at many times and hangs out with wei ying on the basement sofa

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8. hii!! i recently read a fanfic where wei wuxian can't sleep because he gets horrible nightmares, there's one particular scene where the juniors are practically dragging him into cloud recesses, and he's falling asleep whilst walking and they meet with Lan wangji. if you could help me find it, that would be super great !! @spaaarkie

FOUND? hunters seeking solid ground by Attila (E, 23k, wangxian, Canon Compliant, discussion of canon character death, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, bed sharing, Getting Together, Yearning, Literal Sleeping Together, Really Excessive Amounts of Hurt/Comfort)

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9. I thought I had subscribed to this fic but I guess not... Looking for a WIP in which WWX is ambushed in Yiling, but he has A-Yuan with him so he's extra desperate in trying to fight the attackers off. There might be fire involved? Either the title, the description or the tags have some reference to "hysterical strength" (maybe! not 100% sure about that one!). Thank you. 🖤❤️ @linderel

FOUND! Hysterical Strength by covalentbonds (Not rated, 3k, WangXian, WIP, Canon Divergence, Inspired by a Bollywood movie scene, Everyone Lives/Nobody dies, Parent WWX)

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10. hi!! i'm looking for a fic i read about a year ago(?) on ao3, where during the cloud recesses study arc (i think?) lqr and the other teachers notice that wwx's basic education is lacking and wwx says it's because yzy doesn't let him join jc's lessons because wwx is supposed to be a right hand man and his education is therefore less important, so the lan elders and scholars all team up to give him remedial lessons; i think there's also a part where they build a case against the jiang sect because the sect scholars failed their responsibility to teach their disciples equally. the fic holding shreds by barisan reminds me of it a little bit, but instead of yzy's physical abuse of wwx the one i'm looking for is all about the emotional abuse and education inequality

FOUND?🔒💖 Hoards and treasures by apathyinreverie (T, 21k, WangXian, Siblings, Family, not particularly Jiang friendly, YZY Bashing, slightly darker Gusu Lans, LXC being the best brother, Some manipulation, But with the best of intentions, and not between wangxian, Dragon LWJ, Fox WWX, Smitten LWJ, Fluff, perfect happiness, adorable WWX, Romance, Some worldbuilding, courting) in this one, Xichen is speculating that WWXs education was stunted, especially in sect etiquette, deliberately by mme yu.

FOUND?🔒 in the shadow of moonlit flowers by Reverie (cl410) (T, 56k, wangxian, LXC/NMJ, cloud recesses, NHS & LWJ friendship, developing relationship, LWJ pov, minor injuries, autistic LWJ, implied/referenced child abuse, aka YZY warning, genius WWX, light angst, hurt/comfort, WWX protection squad) in this one the lan sect does the scholar case thing where they accuse jiang sect of failing their duties by neglecting to educate wei ying.

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11. hi, i'm looking for a fic which i found on twitter but im sure links to AO3 — basically everyone in the universe is some sort of animal (wwx is a fox, lwj is a dragon?) and they're classified by their mating cycles (whether they mate for life or seasonally). wwx and lwj gets engaged but lwj calls it off as wwx is a fox and therefore mates seasonally vs his for-life situation. wwx gets sad about it and then they find out wwx actually can mate for life! i used to find it easily before but for some reason no matter what i search, it just won't come up and i don't think i was logged into ao3 at the time i read it either. hope someone remembers it as well, thanks!

FOUND? what you have tamed by lianhua_lianzi, Senforza (E, 94k, WangXian, Animal Traits, misunderstandings, Courting Rituals, Pining, Lan family dynamics, Drama, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Arranged Marriage, Wangxian break up but get back together, Eventual Happy Ending, Implied Mpreg, Unresolved Sexual Tension, unintentional and eventually resolved “gaslighting”, Dragon LWJ, Fox WWX)

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12. Hi I’m trying to find a fic where jiang Cheng is being forced to get married/find an heir. I remember that a member of YunmengJiang approached him with a list of members of the sect that would leave if he didn’t get an heir. I think it was mentioned that people were okay with him not having getting married since they assumed Jin Ling would inherit and Jin Guangyao would have another child but once his crimes were revealed they started to pressure him.

I know it wasn’t a Jiang cheng/lan Xichen or jiang cheng/nie Huaisang

FOUND? Karma by such_stuff_as_dreams_are_made_on (Not Rated, 2k, JC & OCs, Post-Canon, Arranged Marriage, Light Angst, Minor WangXian, Not JC Friendly)

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13. I’m trying to find this fic where Wei Ying is looking for spouse for some reason and he starts asking everyone in Cloud Recesses but Lan Zhan even ask LXC to be his partner right in front of LWJ

If you have an idea about what I’m talking about thank you!!

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14. so theres this fic in which jiang cheng and wei wuxian sit in a boat in jiang cheng's memories and wei wuxian sings a song that he altered slightly. im pretty sure it was a reconcilliation fic but im not sure but jc was a bit emotional. i can't find it, please help!

related to the previous ask, what i described is also only a scene from that fic and probably not what the entire fic is about. i only remember that one scene. @theartisticdoofus

FOUND? sing to the clouds in summerby stiltonbasket (G, 28k, JC & WWX, JC & JL, wangxian, JL & LSZ & LJY & OYZZ, 13k words of JC figuring out that LSZ is his nephew, ft. LXC and NHS the overprotective uncles, and LWJ giving JC death glares, Family Secrets, Reconciliation, Sad JC, Uncle-Nephew Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Podfic Available) the song is in chapter 4

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15. Dear FicFinder Team, here I am again with only vibes and one scene. It was a WIP CQL post-canon fic, set during WWX's wanderings. At some point he exorcises a ghost in a tower (not one of the watchtower fics tho) and the last scene was WWX on his way back, kneeling in the grass to make offerings to his shijie and finally letting himself cry about her death. Maybe there were food descriptions too, I read this very early on and cannot find it in my history. It was exquisitely written too. @kinoumenthe

FOUND! the earth remembered me by remux (T, 30k, WIP, WangXian, POV WWX, Post-Canon, Emotional Edging, Letters, emotional support strangers, Original Character(s), lwj's quiet devotion)

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16. Do you know the name for a fic where WWX is invisible (for some reason) and is in LWJ room (for some reason) and WWX watches LWJ hump a pillow but then LWJ notices that someone is in the room with him yada yada they have sex i forget when it gets revealed that it’s WWX

NOT FOUND! Mak Siccar by therealandraste (E, 20k, WangXian, Case Fic, Post-Canon, Misunderstandings, Pining, Happy Ending, Paperman smut - only god can judge me, Original Character Death(s)) the details don't exactly fit but

FOUND! Clinomania by malkinmalkout (E, 6k, WangXian, Voyeurism, Masturbation, Somnophilia, misuse of talismans, PWP, Riding, Oral Sex, binding, Happy Ending, canon typical non-con)

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17. hello I'm looking for this twitter threadfic written by cerbykerby where wwx is a mermaid captured and brought in for studying by scientist lwj and others, and they eventually become mates. i've tried looking through their account for it but the fic is old and the search is way too far down, and i can't find the full fic. pls help out thanks!

FOUND? this is the unrolled threadfic by cerbykerby, I think

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18. Hi! First time requesting something like this, but I really need help finding this one fanfic. It’s a incomplete wangxian fanfic and the summary of what I remember was that when WWX wakes up in MXY’s body after thirteen years, people are actually praising YL WWX because somehow (I cant remember how) the truth behind his actions and why he did what he did in the first place. JC faces some hate from the cultivation world, JL doesn’t hate WWX, and LWJ is extremely protective of WWX. Hope all this information helps!!! @nikki-g-m

Could #18 be that fic where a painter/theater guy did an interview with drunk wwx during the burial mounds arc and then it got published after his death so that when he resurrects its's all settled already (?). I dont remember the name either but maybe someone else will

FOUND? 💖 The Ballad of Hanguang-Jun and The Yiling Patriarch by Theladyofravenclaw (T, 40k, WangXian, ChengQing, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Burial Mounds Arc, Canon Divergence, Fix-It of Sorts, Humor, musical theater?, Misunderstandings, POV Outsider, Crack treated seriously) The commenter on 18 was thinking of The ballad of Hanguang-jun and the Yiling Patriarch, though idk if this is the fic OP wants

FOUND? i think its deleted? Have You Heard Of The Yiling Patriach by R_PONTS

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19. literally just reading a random wangxian fic when I I remembered this one fic I read a while ago. I can’t really remember a lot of details but from what I remember Wei ying is the cloud recess for whatever reason and he get the silencing spell out on him and he panicked and starts scratching and clawing at his throat and everybody’s watching horrified like please y’all help me remember 😭 @saintzx

FOUND?🔒 The Second Hand Unwinds by trulywicked (E, 56k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, WIP, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Time Travel Fix-It, Not JC Friendly, Not Yunmeng Jiang Sect Friendly, Not Jiāng Family Friendly, Not YZY Friendly, Time Travelling LWJ, Protective LWJ, Fluff, Minor Angst, Minor Character Death, JGS is his own warning, Wooing, LWJ is romantic af, Inventor WWX, Genius WWX, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Protective Gusu Lan Sect, Supportive LXC, Good Uncle LQR, WWX Protection Squad) The clawing is because he's desperate to defend JC against LQR's (rightful) admonishing, after JYL told him he should've tried harder after being silenced on a previous occasion defending JC

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20. Hello

Love your blog!

A) I'm looking for a fic where wwx was raised by WRH, but it is introduced with him being the one to raze Cloud Recess and starting ti flirt with a prisoner LWJ who's very much " bro, wtf" in his inner monologue.

He's bff w Xye Yang and at one point thinks of doing lwj favors

B) Modern au where wwx and lwj had been married, adopted LSZ and then divorced due to someone either framing wwx or LWJs fam pressuring him to it. Wwx still has visitation rights and all, and at one point lwj buys them a house as an apology, but wwx is less than cash money above it, bcs lwj didn't truly fix the mistrust or whatever the reason for their breakup was @midnightlighthowlite

20B)

FOUND? 🔒 Life as a House by Terri Botta (Isilwath) (T, 55k, WangXian, Modern AU, Corporate Espionage, Post-Divorce, Father-Son Relationship, Reconciliation, Therapy)

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21. Hello there, I’m not sure if this is a fic finder or an in the mood for, because I’m looking for a fic and more like that.

So you know how theres this TikTok Sound of someone called Nick who asks for the WLAN Password and its I Love You Nick and Nick is in a lot of denial about being lovers even though their anniversary is coming up?

I found a fic that was basically WY and LZ in a relationship, and WY/LZ (but more likely WY) didn’t realise that they were anything more than friends, and it was very funny.

More comedic than anything else. But I cannot for the life of me find it, and everytime I try and search for it, only the sad version shows up.

Please send help, I need to read this fluff….I crave it. @desperation-is-my-middle-name

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[dedalvs]

ive done a lot of translating to high valyrian in my day and id like to think im pretty good at it sometimes (the way ive spent literal hours researching how just one piece of grammar works to change a noun to an adverb or something is maybe insane)

anyway all that to say i usually know what to look for and how to apply it, but i am struggling with this new bit im trying to translate. “i disdain all glittering gold.”

ive replaced disdain with hate cause there doesnt seem to be a word for disdain in valyrian and hate is the closest approximation. same with glittering — replaced that with shine, and had to manually transform that to an adjective (jehikagon -> jehikere? dunno if its right)

so what i have now is “nyke buqan unir jehikere aeksion”

(im not as concerned with getting the word order right as i am with the rest of the grammar)

ive learned from a previous answer “nyke” is potentially (probably) unnecessary here, so that leaves it as “buqan unir jehikere aeksion,” but the unir there in the middle kinda makes it feel off and im not sure if maybe that also needs to be part of a compound word like valar or how to make it one if so because idk what part of valar is all and what part is men and how to fit aeksion into that equation.

i lost track of what my question was originally meant to be but i guess im wondering if im on the right track and if theres some guidance you may have to get me all the way there.

thank you for your time 🙏

Uhhhhhh... Not to be that dude, but...maybe be more concerned with that...?

I'm not sure if you know about this site, but my wiki is exhaustively updated with respect to High Valyrian, specifically. There's a team of people that work on High Valyrian and it's massive. For example, you could go to the entry for jehikagon and see that jehikere is wrong: it should be jehikare. And, of course, it has to agree with āeksion (note the long ā), so it should be jehikarior. To get the sense of repetitiveness (with "glittering"), you might add ā- to the front, so ājehikarior.

Now for "all", why not use the collective? This is how you get "All men must die", so it should work for "I distain all glittering gold". That would be āeksior. Of course, it would need to be in the accusative, so altogether it would be ājehikarior āeksȳndi. By adding the repetitive you kind of get the aliteration, too, since they both begin with ā.

Finally you have "disdain", for which buqagon serves. Aside from sound a little more posh, the difference between "disdain" and "hate" in English seems to be one of duration. The words "disdain" and "loathe" seem to emphasize that this is a character trait rather than a reaction. If you disdain something, you've given it some thought, have experience with it, and may use this as a way of describing or characterizing yourself. You can do this with "hate" as well, but it's a much more common word, and so can be used in other more basic ways, whereas "disdain" and "loathe" tend to only have specalized uses. To try to approximate this, you could use the frequentative with buqagon to imply a lengthy duration. That would give you jobuqan "I disdain". In fact, you could even use the aorist if you really wanted to imply that it was a description of yourself, i.e. jobuqin.

Now that you have the pieces, though, I really hate to say it, but the words must be in the right order. I mean, you can change the order of the noun and adjective, if you'd like, but you simply cannot put the verb first and think you've created a Valyrian sentence. It's not just "kind of" wrong: it's completely wrong. It'd be like suggesting "I him saw" is close enough in English because the forms are correct. It's not. It's wrong. This is not a minor part of the grammar you can ignore. High Valyrian is aggressively verb-final. The verb must be at the end.

All in all, that gives you:

Ājehikarior āeksȳndi jobuqin.

Hope that helps!

[sardonic-the-writer]

↳ notes: art above by me. warnings for typical tf2 violence

↳ playlist: tracker/tf2 playlist

basic information

• tracker class

• tenth class

• specalizes in hunting down animals, people, objects, etc

• main weapons consist of snares and bear traps scattered around the map, but for close quarters combat a drop point blade is used. pistol if needed, but rarely

• on the battle field, they wear any sort of material that will help camafloge them. mostly a jacket that sort of works like spy's cloaking device but much weaker

• under the jacket and outside the field, they wear pants with many many pockets for any spare gear needed for traps, and a zip up jacket always left half open

• autistic. so so very autistic. undiagnosed however due to the time period, and just considered mentally ill. it's part of the reason the only job he could get was as a merc

• also trans. wears medical tape around his chest since binders don't exist; no top surgery yet. it's the 60's/70's and he isn't exactly keen to out himself surrounded by nine other paid killers. sometimes he finds himself wondering if medic would perform top surgery

• main friend is scout. ADHD/autism friends

• also gets along well with sniper. Both of them have tendencies to stay away from the explosions and stabbing down on the battle field, instead opting for their own little spots to do their jobs. they bond over that

• spy doesn't nessicarily hate them. which is a big thing, considering the fact that he hates everyone he works with

• borders between social and completely quiet. fluctuates depending on who they're with and how they're doing that day. i.e, always their best self with scout, very stoic when it comes to fighting

• has a record player. wouldn't sign the merc contract without a promise of one. had to buy their own records, though

• fond of miss pauling & her brief visits. has no idea if the sentiment is returned, but they don't really mind either way

• spy isn't allowed around them when they're drunk. tracker is not a very secretive or tidy drunk, so he'll just peel back layers of information from them until someone stops him. he did it a lot when they first joined the team, rude and sour as always, but eventually relented at the angry protests of scout

• scout calls them trackie for short. They pretend they hate it but it really just makes them smile to themself

• was in veitnam—has dogtags they hide under their shirt collar unless they forget. sometimes when they're feeling the reels of 'shell shock', they'll confide in scout since he went through the same experience

• night terrors.

• they wake up doused in sweat; throat raw.

• listens to a lot of fleetwood mac and queen. really whatever they can get their hands on though. Records are hard to come by in teufort so they can't be picky

• grew up in the south. it carries over into some of their daily mannerisms. not as much as engie, who's just full texan, but they have a strong love for sweet tea and bonfires. will occasionally make the former if they're feeling especially homesick, but that doesn't happen much

• absolutely chows down on sandwhichs with heavy

• has an obsession with chewing and blowing bubblegum. can't do it on the battlefield anymore though (they choked on it once and got sent to respawn. the following week and a half was filled with the worst heckling of his life)

• loves medics doves an insane amount. might be a little cautious of the ex-doctor himself, but they'll risk an impromtu operation just to hold archemedes for a few hours

• works with spy a lot. they're the only person that can even somewhat find out where he is or where he went. if it's the enemy spy, tracker will hunt them down or set traps to trip them up and send them to respawn. if it's their own teams spy, more often than not, the two will be paired up for missions together stealing the breifcase

• much like sniper, tracker gets sent on a lot of solo missions outside the gravel pit. tracking down targets and sending their coordinates to a hit man, or just killing them themself

• durring Expiration Date, tracker definitely takes the threat of dying more serious than the rest of the mercs

• wrote down an actual death wish to put in the bucket, but ultimately kept it to themself. and durring the next few days, they write letters to each of the mercs to give out on the last day before they die—but shred & burn all of them to pieces after finding out no ones going to die

• convinces himself that there's a time and place for heart-felt words, and it's definitely not anytime soon

• similarly to that, durring Meet The Tracker (the video is just entirely centered around him preparing for and doing their job), he doesn't talk much. just sets up traps and watches as people fall into or gets tangled in them

• does occasionally leave a comment

• "ooh, that's gonna hurt in the morning."

• "betcha he's gonna watch where he steps next time."

• "trapping never gets any easier. it''s like making a nice molotov cocktail. you gotta get it right every step of the way, or it ends up a burning pile of shit. i love it."

• the only shot we get of tracker doing anything outside the field is the ending shot

• it's dark as he lays with his back to the oak of a tree, a BLU corpse hanging upside down by rope, courtesy of a trap as they look up at the stars fondly

• it's fucked but so is everyone else

• not a good cook. i repeat, not a good cook

• knows how to pour cereal and maybe how to scramble eggs. but that's a hard maybe

• when it's his turn to cook dinner for everyone (since they all take turns doing their part) most of the time it ends up being one of the more disappointing meals. they try their best, and as time goes on they get better at cooking, but for the meantime only pyro is happy about the burnt eggs

• does not like to be touched. the most they can handle is the occasional ruffling of his hair, and even that can sometimes set him off

• overtime they get more and more comfortable with the mercs and some slight touches— smacks on the back, accidental skin on skin contact when handing things to each other, etc

• but on the rare occasion it all gets too much, tracker will blow up. and it's not pretty in the slightest

• the first time someone saw him completely lose it was spy

• it was on the battlefield. an enemy scout had found their hiding spot in a bush as he avoided their trap, and pushed them out of it, gaining the upper hand

• spy wasn't about to intervene in the first place. the newbie had to learn how to fend for himself

• his mild annoyance turned to surprise as he watched tracker lash out in fury, his spare hunting knife carving right through the BLU scout's chest cavity like it was hot butter

• even while invisible, and standing many meters away, spy could hear the heaving of their chest

• "bastard." came a frown from tracker, and a grim smile crossed spy's face as he watched them spit at the feet of the bloody corpse

• he hadn't told anyone about it, filing the information away in his brain for later

• he only let tracker know he saw them later—after they had blown up a second time. this time in front of the whole team

• no one died that time, but the communal showers were left in disastrous conditions for weeks

• he makes sniper drive him to town a lot for supply/grocery runs since the australian is one of the few who can drive (along with heavy, spy, & engie)

• tracker might also, just possibly, enjoy spending one on one time with sniper

• reverts back to more of an awkward state around him. doesn't really know how to read people all that well, and wants to actually form a bond with him

• "want anything from town while I'm in?" they asked, resisting the urge to set their feet on the campers dashboard

• "nah. but thanks, roo." sniper responded without looking up from the road

• tracker has no idea what 'roo' means, but figures it's good & sits back with a barely there smile

• when it comes to lil pootis, tracker is a prominent figure in the birds life

• will babysit him a lot; even if scout didn't ask them too originally

• gets uncharacteristically soft around pootis. especially when no one's around

• pyro saw the both of them passed out in tracker's room once with pootis curled on the mercs chest. they squealed & proceeded to drag the entire team into his doorway to see

• he woke up when pootis began to stir at all the noise

• never lived the infamous lil pootis incident down (everyone else thought it was amusing/sweet. he, in fact, did not)

• besides that embarrassing moment, tracker likes pootis a lot. keeps all the drawings he makes for them in a shoe box in his closet—right next to the drawings that pyro and scout have also given him

• pootis drew a piece of tracker & scout holding hands once with hearts around their heads

• tracker was quick to snatch it out of the eyes of the public with a poker face

• keeps it under his bed. looks at it sometimes and fiddles with his dogtags when his day's been bad

[spacebarbarianweird]

Living with a vampire

Ok, fangirling about Astarion gave me some ideas about having a vampire bf / husband.

Sure, we don't live in a fantasy realm and don't have healing potions. Losing blood daily is unhealthy and deadly. But I wouldn't feel comfortable if my vampire-spouse bites other people's necks (almost feel like cheating).

According to healthcare specialists, an adult woman can donate 470ml of blood once in 8-12 weeks. Human blood, and especially, lover's blood must be very specal and there is no need to drink it really often. In the meantime, the vampire can drink blood of the animals (or some really bad people we would kill anyway)

[consumare]

( LEMON ): LEMON'S GOOD AT READING PEOPLE. ITS WHY WHEN IT CAME TO JUDGEMENTS OF CHARACTER, HIS BROTHER ALWAYS LOOKED TO HIM. IT'S ALSO WHY HE HESITATES TO MOVE HIS EYES AWAY FROM THE OTHER MAN. HANNIBAL IS NONTHREATENING, AT LEAST UPON INITIAL LOOK. SOMETHING ABOUT HIM IS OFF, LINGERS MORE TOWARDS DANGER. LEMON'S BEEN TRYING NOT TO PRY INTO OTHERS LATELY, MUCH MORE SUITED TO QUIETLY NUDGING DIESELS OUT OF HIS LIFE, BUT THIS ITCH ABOUT IT ALL - THE WAY HE CANNOT QUITE PINPOINT WHY HANNIBAL'S SMILE FEELS LIKE THE OPEN JAWS OF A PREDATOR. IT'S WHY HE IS CAREFUL. TO STICK YOUR HAND INTO ANOTHER MOUTH IS JUST ASKING FOR TEETH TO BITE CLEAN THROUGH TO THE BONE. ' YOU'RE AN INTERESTING FELLOW, DR LECTER. BUT YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION; WHY A PSYCHIATRIST? WHY SIP YOUR COFFEE LIKE YOU EXPECT IT TO FIGHT YOU? ' HE LEANS BACK IN HIS SEAT, SLEEPY EYES NEVER DRAWING AWAY. AS IF THIS WERE ANYTHING BUT A DEFLECTION OF HIS OWN. ' NOT TO YOUR TASTES? YOU STRIKE ME AS SOMEONE WITH A REFINED PALETTE. EXPENSIVE. ' the coffee in his hands burns with distaste. hannibal lecter might throw it away, if such an act weren't rude. if the other man wasn't around to see him do so. instead, he holds it firmly in one hand, allowing the heat of the cup to warm his palm. had lemon not said a word about how hannibal may or may not have been acting toward the drink, doctor lecter would have nonchalantly placed the cup on the side table, and forget about it until he could properly dispose of the hot tar - so thick that hannibal had barely been able to get a mouthful past his refined tongue. but he had pointed it out, which was a problem - not neccessarily because hannibal now had to hold it and pretend it was to his tastes, but because the other man had noticed something about him. it was more of an inference, nothing that had been confirmed, but that was enough to tell hannibal that lemon was much more observant than the doctor would like him to be.

' i'm grateful you thought of me when ordering this morning. i suppose i've just had enough caffeine to satisfy me today, ' just like lemon, hannibal's eyes never leave the other's. like a challenge. whoever looks away first loses, and doctor lecter didn't like to lose. cup is set on his knee, fingers still wrapped around it, and hannibal's expression is almost amused. he is an interesting man. he knows as much, and has been told so before. many times, too many to really count. lemon, too, would be considered intriguing - if he wasn't staring at hannibal like he wanted to figure the man out. for that, he is slightly insufferable, instead. ' why does anyone choose the careers they do? why does a nurse decide to spend their days and nights with sick patients? why does a construction worker select the job that will ultimately wear down their bodies? ' answering a question with more questions. it's a specality ; it allowed people to form their own answers before hannibal had to give his own.

the truth: doctor lecter chose to be a psychatrist because he likes dissecting people. that's why he had become a surgeon first. when that career came to an end ( too much suspicion ; too many dead patients and missing organs ) he settled for the next best thing - picking apart people's minds ( and their bodies, on the side ). there was only so much information hannibal could give to lemon, however. cup is twisted one way, then the other, before movement ceases entirely. ' i long to help those who might not be able to help themselves, ' is his final answer, features falling into a look of practiced modesty. ' i'm under no illusion that i can fix all of my patient's problems. however, someone must be willing to try - don't you agree? ' @lemontart.

[greysith]

[005]

Deena, Enlin, Gavyn, Regina, all have Imperial Officer parents. They are also expected to become officers, so they all go to the Imperial Military Academy. (Basically military college? As I understand it?)

Jeren's only a couple years older than them, but he got a job from the Haines involving the creation of a zoo/nature reserve on Dantooine. (He wasn't the only one. There are mulllltiple multiple people making this thing happen.) He also takes up a side-job for the warmer part of the year assisting the professor of zoology at the Imperial Military Academy, usually with the student's field work.

That's probably more than you need to know, but I spent a long time thinking about what the hell brought him to DANTOOINE lmao

Deena hears about a guy from Naboo -- the son of a former QUEEN no less -- coming to Dantooine. She makes sure to be in the starport the day he comes in and introduces herself. He's tall, pretty, friendly, she decides this one is Hers. But she wants him to ask her out. She has a story she wants to unfold. She starts making plans.

Animals and animal welfare are Jeren's specal interests, but he's also into classic vehicles & starships. Gavyn's got a hotrodded speeder and Jeren strikes up conversation with him about it one day at the cantina, asking if he works on it himself orrrrr... So Gav introduces him to his mechanic, Enlin. Enlin and Jeren get on like a house on fire.

I have written just. SO much fic for this section of the story. I have 17k words for one event alone and outlines for so many more and afjdskaf I'm having fun. They're fun characters. Welcome to the shippy section of the story.

Jeren's an intense guy. He doesn't half-ass fuckin anything. He walks into the cantina one day to hang out with Enlin, sees Regina, and goes I have to talk to her. So he does. Immediately. Flirtatiously. And he's such a breath of fresh air. He's direct, confident, charming, and being 6'6" and rated 13/10 on the harem meter certainly help. Regina doesn't flirt. She's Resigned To Her Predetermined Life.

She flirts with Jeren. She is completely disarmed. She lets herself be charmed.

And it all comes crashing down when Enlin shows up. It's not Enlin's fault! But Regina puts two and two together. Enlin's new bestie is the zoologist her parents hired. The zoologist from Naboo. The guy Deena likes.

Regina mentally smacks herself with a stop sign and extricates herself from the conversation, exits the cantina.

She spends the next six months in the spotlight of Jeren's attention, trying not to flirt with him.

It'd... it'd be faster for me to just copypaste one of the ficlets I have for this part.

v🎬v

Regina has paved the way for Deena's chance with Jeren so many times. She just. Can't really stand to watch, so she has no real idea of how that ever works out for Deena except that it doesn't. Regina hopes and dreads that Jeren is kind enough, insightful enough, that he'll see the sweeter side of Deena and look her way.

It all starts to come unraveled when Deena flops down on Regina's bed with a huff, pouting in the way Regina knows she wants her to ask what's wrong. So she does. And Deena vents about how she's started trying to make Jeren jealous, but she was flirting with someone right in front of him and he didn't care at all. 

Regina sits at her desk with her books and notes, exasperated. Thinking about Jeren makes it hard for her to focus, so she's snappish when she asks, "Why don't you just ask him out?"

"That's not how a lady is courted! He needs to ask me."

This scrapes at her all wrong. "If you want to be with him, who cares about all that."

Deena says something about how appearances are so super important to maintain, especially for the higher ranks of society and it's so important to choose the right partner. Regina stares at her through her ramble.

"But," her lips feel numb, "you like him."

"Well of course I like him," Deena shrugs. "He's handsome, well-respected – and well-endowed, there is no hiding that thing – but he's harmless, really. Too nice for his own good. He'll do."

Harmless is not a word Regina would use for Jeren. He socializes wild animals for return to their proper habitats. He routinely wrestles powerful beasts to the ground. He could throw her and barely strain from it, but he's never so much as raised a hand to anybody. He'll barely spar with anyone, and so many people would love to test their strength against him.

"You talk like you just decided to like him."

"Well, no, I can't help that part. He's very likable."

"So you don't–" Regina just keeps blinking, mystified and aghast. "--you don't like like him?"

Deena glances at her from the bed, and just starts laughing. "Oh, Reggie," she giggles, "you poor idealistic thing. You don't need romance for marriage! Even if he weren't so pretty, he's high enough nobility that I'm sure I could make it work. But I digress. He's perfect!"

She turns to look out the window, holding her hot face in cold hands, elbows on her desk. Deena reads her embarrassment wrong. She calls Regina sweet for wanting better for her, for either of them, trying to console her that it'll all work out and she's sure Regina will find a pushover, too.

Regina isn't really listening. Her heart is threatening to beat straight through her ribs. 

Deena called Jeren perfect, and all Regina could think was, well, yes, but not for the reasons YOU think.

^🎬^

But!!!! Before Regina can work through her feelings about all THAT, before she figures out how to tell Deena she might be actually in love with Jeren... THIS happens!

(I love Enlin, but oh my GOD does his stumbling make for some plot convenience.)

((The following is how my first drafts usually look lol))

v🎬v

Enlin is trying really hard to flirt with Regina. Does the hand against the wall thing, leaning into her. She's unaffected and just blinks up at him, "What are you doing?"

He backpedals hard, blabbering something about her getting flustered when Jeren does it

"Excuse me, what?"

"Well uh it just it seems uh when Jeren does stuff like that in your presence you seem to uh well enjoy it and as someone who um would like if you enjoyed my er company as much, I thought I'd uh try?"

She sputters defensively, denying anything about Jeren

"No I mean like I understand, he tries real hard and Gavyn does too, it just seems like Jeren is WINNING and uh"

Now she's starting to get pissed off. "Winning? Winning what?"

"Uh. Well. You. The three of us, um, we all really like you, I really like you, so we all agreed we'd take turns um flirting with you so it was more fair. It was Jeren's suggestion but I don't think he ever even waits his turn anymore–"

Fire sparks and ignites in her gut. She is livid. She is incandescent. "This is a game?" Her heart hammers outrage against her ribs. "I'm just some sort of prize to you?"

Enlin goes shock-white, wide eyed. "No, no, it's not like that, we were just trying to make things a fair competi–"

"FUCK you!" She pushes away from the wall in a blaze, hands in fists, furious tears spilling over her hot cheeks. "Fuck ALL of you!"

Regina turns on her heel and storms down the hall so she doesn't beat the living daylight out of Enlin. 

He doesn't follow her.

^🎬^

She has NEVVVVER been so upset. She barely knows what to do with herself. One of her classmates invites her to a houseparty. She wasn't originally gonna go, but Deena insists they go (because she can't go alone, she doesn't know the host & therefore isn't invited) so Regina decides, fuck it, let's get drunk about it.

Also, she's like 18. She's Force sensitive & a kind of empathic, but she's Unwise.

It. Is. A. DISASTER.

I keep rewriting this trying to make it shorter afjkdsaf okay try number three:

Regina gets too drunk to deal with all this shit. She tries to shove Deena and Jeren together and runs away. Host catches her and tries to find out why she's self-destructing so hard. She cries on his shoulder about Jeren.

Jeren has to finally flat-out reject Deena. She pressures him about his reasons and he admits he's in love with Regina. She gets pissed. The scene looks bad. The host sees Jeren with his back to a wall, Deena's fists in his collar, Jeren's hands basically in the air. Host very loudly and thoroughly shames Deena and kicks her out of the party. Worst day of her life.

Host tells Jeren that Regina thinks he was trying to prank her. Jeren sets out to try and fix it.

WHEW! Okay. Those three paragraphs are worth 5k and counting in the document where I'm actually writing it out.

GM looked at me after I finished the part where Host kicks Deena out and said, "You realize this means Host is dead in canon, right? Dark-side Deena would have started with him."

It's fine :D I borrowed him from a different writing project, he doesn't belong here.

So. Yeah. Regina and Deena have had a difficult relationship since then. It could have been salvaged with Deena's pride, maybe, because she knew Regina was trying to do right by Deena... but then Regina did end up dating Jeren. They never really recovered their friendship. Regina tried. Deena shut her out and embraced the dark side.

[First] - [Prev] - [Next]

[Index]

[reizerisanoingsstuff]

Noa : is whole ass asexual

AB : draws her explicitly in sexual situations

[oswednesday]

watching lps of games that look like this 

is the only way i can experience them without soul grinding

[thelemoncoffee]

Ok but consider…

Kokichi with ADHD (because I have it too)

Kokichi having ADHD isn’t really something he tries to hide, not like he can because every ten minutes or so his brain will blank out and be like “wait what was I doing?” and proceeds to stare into space trying to smack his head into remembering.

But Shuichi’s there too so it’s just the cycle of him saying “Honey you were cooking dinner wtf” and obviously Kokichi responds by saying he knew that all along and runs off into the kitchen or wherever and is like “wait what was I doi-“ and the cycle continues.

This is literally what ADHD is like for me and projecting it onto my favorite characters just helps because it’s always such a treat too see (and write)

Sorry for sending so many asks, love ur blog!!💗💝

oh god jejfiebdjs, i'm ADHD as well and i definatly hc Kokichi as such, it's just less noticable cause i try not to make it forefront in my aus and hcs- doing so makes me feel weird in a way I can't quite put into words

i have a hc for him based on my own ADHD habit of collecting things from sticks to ceramic knick knacks, desplaying it all in my room to make it my safe space, and freaking out if something is in the wrong place cause it feels wrong without it in it's specal spot.

I also wrote a post some time ago where i said i hc Kokichi collects novelty mugs, and i honestly only made that post cause i wanted to project onto kokichi. (i also hc that out of the mugs i own, his favorite would probably be the Pacman mug, solely because he managed to jump scare his sister with it)

also thanks! i'm glad you like it here!!

[sapphos-darlings]

hiya. i adore your blog. i just had a question.

i love women. absolutely perfect. chefs kiss. love them. but with men... like i can appreciate when a guy is (conventionally or uniquely ig) attractive, but when im around them, any of them, i just feel... repulsed and nervous. i dont want to be close to them at all, in any romantic or sexual way, but because i can identify aesthetic attraction, idk if that makes me bi (or more specifically febfem) or a lesbian that knows what an attractive man is.

do you have any advice?

Hello, Anon! Thank you, we're more than happy to be here for women like you!

Yes, I have advice. Using your eyes to detect a good-looking person doesn't make you anything except a person with working eyes. Just because you can detect a man who is good-looking or charming, or admire someone like a celebrity doesn't mean anything about your sexual orientation.

A lesbian is a woman who is exclusively same-sex attracted, meaning you want and seek out sexual and/or romantic relations only with other women. That's it. It doesn't make you bi to like how a man looks unless you also would desire to follow that up with romantic or sexual activities with him, which you wrote you don't. But I can relate to your self-doubt, I had a lot of that in my late teens. The pressure for women to be attracted to men is so heavy that it's really hard to realize that you are indeed the complete opposite of that, and especially us lesbians get our homophobia served along with misogyny that both belittles and demonizes female sexuality.

Back when I was younger I too constantly felt somewhat unreal with my orientation and along that came feeling defensive and sensitive about it. I was worried that if I so much as said I like a rockstar or was impressed with an actor or pointed out a goodlooking guy for my bi and straight friends, someone would gleefully write my lesbianism off as fake. I think having a part of you declared non-existent by others is a specal kind of pain. It's like being targeted by those common lesbophobic myths like "two women can't have sex" or "women are purely romantic and nonsexual, it's just friendship between girls", so the fear of that leads to being self-concious and defensive.

With time I realized that constantly interrogating my every thought and feeling and worrying what others might think is a form of internalized homophobia. I was doing that to myself, defending myself even before anything had happened or anyone had said anything and demanding a good performance of lesbianism from myself, and it was stressing me out.

The key was confidence in myself and building up a defense against outside influences. I exist, and just because someone else doesn't believe in homosexuality or hates women doesn't actually erase me. It would hurt, but being wrong is that someone else's problem.

I am a lesbian because I'm only attracted to other women, and just because I think Jensen Ackles has a pretty face doesn't change that. I'm still not going to date or want any male person (even the celebrities I admire, even in my dreams). I'm a lesbian in real life.

If I reblog gif sets of my favorite characters from my favorite war series on my blog and some rando comes up to me like "hey you can't be a lesbian if you like these men so much!" I'm not going to entertain that. I'm going to delete that ask or tell the person to get away from me, because their claim is stupid and some random stranger isn't entitled to debating my personal matters with me anyway. Sexual orientation is about who you fall in love with and have sexual desire for. There are plenty of feelings, like admiration, friendship, being impressed, or appreciation, that have nothing to do with your orientation.

I hope this helps!

- Lavender

[authenticcadence18]

(Aaaaah i’m doing this so late but THANK YOU SM FOR THE TAG @bugaboo-n-bananoir IT MADE ME FEEL SO SPECAL🥺)

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 8 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work!

1. Can’t Help Falling in Love: ok the rest of these aren’t going to be in any particular order, but this is by far my favorite thing I created in 2020! I’ve never written a story this long before, and getting to really pour my heart into it and receive so much positive feedback for it (especially in a year as painful and stressful as 2020😅) has been, just, absolutely incredible. I’m excited to post the next chapter soonish!!!! It’s really cool to know self-indulgent Phinabella fic still resonates today😊

2. Do You Trust Me? This is my favorite fic I’ve written for Miraculous Ladybug! I posted the first chapter in February and then fell out of writing for a bit, but I was able to finish it in the beginning of July (thanks to some inspiration from the lovely @macaronsforchat!).

3. Phinabella New Years Comic: I had the story for this comic in my head for quite awhile, and it was so fun to finally bring it to life at the end of the year! I also had fun experimenting with a different coloring style inspired by some of my favorite artists.

4. “Uncle Phineas Thinks You’re Pretty!” This fic was inspired by this tumblr post written by @city-of-airplane-parts! It’s short, cute, funny, and one of my favorite things i wrote in 2020!

5. This Smooch: i drew a loooot of Phinabella smooches this year, and this is definitely one of my favorites. It’s one of the first pieces I drew in procreate, so it was both an experiment for me and an excuse to draw my OTP being soft and in love😌

6. The Flower Box: I wrote this Marichat fic for Love Square Fluff week and it gained FAR more attention than I thought it would. (It’s currently my most popular ML fic! ) All that positive feedback really helped me and encouraged me to keep writing.

7. “Isabella” I WROTE A SONG THIS YEAR!!!!! Going through the process of writing it and planning an animatic to go along with it has been soo so fun, and I look forward to continuing (and hopefully finishing) this project this year!

8. The Start of Something New: ok so I wrote a High School Musical ML au for Love Square Fluff Week, and even though it’s kinda silly I’m really fond of it! If I ever decide to write ML again, it would be fun to explore this concept more!!!!

9. “The Walls Between Us” Cover: so last year @carpisuns wrote an amazing English translation of “Ce mur qui nous sépare,” and I loved it so much I had to record a cover of it!!! It was SO SO COOL to sing her lyrics and put them all together!!

2020 was a very, very strange year, but having this blog and you guys helped me a lot, so thank you!!!!! I’m not going to tag anyone since we’re 3 months into 2021 at this point (....which is so weird....), but if you see this and want to share your favorite creations from 2020, DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!

[perditus-a]

Asuka Takami Headcanons and Info

                    She’s an OC fanchild of mine I wrote several years ago. Her quirk and appearance tend to change slightly since I generally use her in every ship with Keigo, but she does predominantly have a Keigo-influenced quirk. She is biologically related to him. I had originally written Keigo Takami as a cis-male ages ago, which is when the idea of her was conceived. My Keigo muse enjoys children, and always wanted one of his own someday. 

          He wanted one that shared his quirk ideally, and so that was always his motive to actually have a child biologically his despite his own transition. He simply doesn’t conform to gender roles really. He doesn’t assign genders to things and simply does as he likes while still identifying as he wants. He doesn’t believe in the “ideal” transman or however someone identifies as in that regards - it’s why he never felt pressured to get top or bottom surgery early on ( though he eventually does get top surgery since another reason for it was not having being able to give himself the time to recover from said surgery due to hero obligations ). 

          Again, her quirk kinda depends on his partner generally but for the most part she does usually keep a bird-like quirk similar to him. It’s usually weaker than his in exchange for specalized boosts his may or may not have - but she doesn’t end up as a hero either way. Her body is weak and she gets sick very easily - she’s a smart but very frail girl. In the future she ends up in the support course actually! 

          It’s a topic I’ve always been wary of approaching to be honest, because the last thing I’d want to do is write something offensive even if unintentional. But. I’ve met a lot of trans people over the past year, one at my old job in fact. It baffled me when they told me “they know they’re not trans enough” because they didn’t get surgery. That there was some societal requirements to meet in order to be considered “trans enough”. It’s kind of what I base my Keigo around to be honest. Someone who identifies as who he wants while not paying any mind to whatever “society” thinks he should be. He doesn’t assign gender to things - he simply does what he feels comfortable with, and wears what is comfortable to him. There is no expectations with him or for him - whatever you chose to be he accepts wholeheartedly with zero judgement. 

          This is kinda the only time I’ll go in to detail in that regard though, because I don’t want it to be the main focus of him. It’s simply a thing that happens and a basic description of his own ideas and philosophy on the matter. 

[atrixfromice]

Hey folks! I finally finished the Cover page! :D

Yes I know I should be sleeping, but I felt really inspired for this, and I have a good feeling it’s going to be great, heheh. At least I’m happy I can draw again! Even if it’s something silly like this, I think the fact I have recovered my flame for doing art is the most important. All about what the comic will be about it’s HERE if you would like to know.

I can admit there’s something really cool in drawing on this style, is a lot of fun to draw, and it’s surprisingly freeling! I think it have been wise I had this idea, specally for me who always stress out with anatomy and drawing straight lines on the buildings and all that stuff.

Plus, I think they look very cute like that, they look a bit like chibis and also they look retro, which it’s funny to me XD I don’t know if this is actually retro style, but I think I like it so far :)

[intersex-support]

Hi! I turned 21 earlier this year and have been learning so much about myself this year. One thing i’ve always known but never done much research on is the possibility of being intersex. As a newborn, doctors took me away from my mom for hours, running all these tests and trying to determine my sex. When they finally gave me back to my mom, they told her I was a girl, and that she should consider going through with surgery to make my genitalia look more “normal” I guess? They couldn’t tell if I was male or female because my clitoris was/is enlarged. My mom basically told them off with a quick little “fuck you, they can make that decision for themselves when they are of age, i’m not changing my kids body without their consent.” Which I am so thankful for!! However that’s all she’s ever told me about the instance. Growing up however was really strange. I got my period at 13 and have had many many issues with it since. Constant ovarian cysts, irregular periods, and lots of pain. I started to develop breasts at a pretty young age, but they just kind of stopped growing at a pretty young age. They’ve been the same very small size since I was probably 9, while all the other women in my family have DD and up size breasts. I also started to explore my sexual and gender identity at a young age, and have identified as non-binary since I was just 16 years old. I’ve been researching endlessly on google, reddit, twitter, etc. and i’ve gotten the general consensus that I am most likely intersex. What do I do/where do I go to determine if I am intersex or not? It makes so much sense to me, but I really want to talk to a doctor or therapist that specializes in these issues and can help me, I just don’t know where to start. Any advice is very helpful and I thank you in advance for taking the time to read my story!! :)

Hi there! 

So I’d say that it’s absolutely very very likely that you are intersex. What you’ve described about your experiences at birth is absolutely an intersex experience, with the doctors being confused about ambigious genitalia and wanting to surgically “fix” it even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong. I’m so glad that your mom decided to wait and not have surgery performed on you without your consent, and it makes me so mad that doctors always push that on parents and tell them that they need to make that choice. Everything else you’ve said sounds like an intersex experience, too. Ovarian cysts and irregular periods are also signs of intersex variations, and especially when considered in context with your experience at birth, I really think that you are intersex. 

One possible condition that you might want to explore is Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH). The things you’ve described are all symptoms of CAH or NCAH, especially having ambigious genitalia at birth and having irregular periods and cysts later in puberty. If you have other symptoms like “excessive” body hair and acne, those would also be signs, as well as rapid growth during childhood but a short stature later as an adult. There are several tests that doctors can do to diagnose CAH. They can check your  17-OHP levels, other hormones like testosterone and androgens, and the main test for CAH is something called ACTH stimulation. All these tests could lead to a diagnosis, if that’s something you want. Of course, I can’t diagnose you over the internet and it could be something entirely different, but it’s a possibility! 

If you’re interested in seeking a diagnosis, you could reach out to a doctor or a gynecologist and explain that you had ambigious genitalia at birth and are interested in seeking a diagnosis. If there’s certain traits that you want to seek treatment for, like painful periods, you could bring that up as well. Explaining your symptoms and saying that you’d like to look into diagnosis is a good way to start conversations with doctors, and if you think it’s something like CAH or another intersex condition, you could bring that up. Your regular doctor or gynecologist can probably refer you to an endochronlogist who is more of a specalist when it comes to intersex conditions, and they could do tests and help you through the process of diagnosis. 

I don’t know of any intersex specific therapists, but it might be a start to reach out to therapists who specalize in LGBTQ issues. They might be more informed and be able to help you through this process of discovery and self identity. And I just want to validate that whatever you’re feeling about this discovery that you’re intersex is really valid, and that you’re not alone. I know when I found out I was intersex it was really a shock to me, and I had a lot of conflicting feeling about it, and felt like everything I had ever known about myself had changed. If that’s what you’re feeling, know that you’re not alone, and that you’re the same person you’ve always been, and that you just know more about yourself now. There’s a whole community that understands and has your back. Of course if you’re feeling totally comfortable about this discovery, that’s awesome and understandable too! Being gentle with yourself throughout the process of intersex diagnosis and discovery is so important, and letting yourself feel whatever it is your feeling and taking time to unpack and process however you need. The intersex community on tumblr is full of people who can listen and understand, and I’m also in some really supportive intersex discord servers that I would happy to give you a link to if you come off anon. 

Overall, I want to affirm that you are absolutely welcome to identify as intersex and that everything you’ve described is absolutely an intersex experience. I know this process can be hard and confusing, and navigating doctors can be difficult, so feel free to reach out if you have more questions or if you just need to vent. I wish you all the best, anon! 

-Mod E

[actuallyvady]

I wasn't planning to be unemployed for as long as I've been (almost an entire year now with the exception of a job i held for two months but was terrified of something similar happening to me that caused me to leave my last job) and my partner has been so supportive and she really is amazing being the breadwinner. but we just can't afford to only have one income any longer. Plus I've been feeling guilty as HELL about it.

I've been hesitant to get back to work partly because dealing with antimaskers was a nightmare the short amount of time I have worked during this pandemic. and partly because I have really bad respiratory issues but now that I'm getting my second vaccine next week I don't have that as an excuse anymore.

I'm glad your family is so supportive and understanding. Thanks for letting me vent in your ask I feel like my friends (while non of them say it) think I'm being a giant baby about having to work another shitty job. because a lot of people work shitty jobs and just deal with it. but WHY. like why are we all so complacent in this hellscape we call society? we were not born for misery. and we absolutely weren't born to be yelled out over things out of our control. I really wanted to find a work from home job or at least a job I wasn't working with costumers but the only places hiring/calling me back based on my experience are costumer service jobs. and retail I think caused some of my worst anxiety issues and it certainly made my depression much worse. but here I am going back to it. like. the pandemic has been stressful but I've felt much better not being berated by people on a daily basis or doing work so soul crushing I feel like my brain is rotting.

I do plan to talk to my doctor and I really want to find a therapist but im having a hard time finding someone accepting clients or who specalizes in the shit I already should have been seeing a therapist for in the first place. im still young enough to be on my parents health insurance at the very least but thats another reason I had to get this job. I turn 26 next year. I feel like I've done nothing with my life. I don't want to die I don't think but I don't want to live like this.

I’m glad you have a supportive partner <3

I don’t think you’re being a baby about it, tbh I think you’re being realistic. It’s shitty as hell that people have to work, have to put up with the worst conditions just to keep themselves alive. Yes, a lot of people do put up with it, and maybe, in practical terms, you’ll have to tolerate it for a while as well... but it isn’t bad to recognize how shitty it is and to want to find another way.

I obviously don’t know any specifics about you or your situation so I can’t, like, offer specific advice, but-- if there is a kind of work you can picture yourself doing, perhaps working towards that as a goal can help ease the pain of your current situation? Like. Teach yourself new skills on your days off, when you have the capacity. Or take online classes, or try to find a community (a writing group, if you want to be a writer, that sort of thing). I talk about using distractions to keep myself from going under, but distractions are even more effective when they feel productive.

Retail is the actual worst and I hope you find a way to get out of it. I ended up stumbling into a manufacturing job, before the pandemic, and the simple fact that I never had to deal with customers made it the best “I have to work to survive” job I’ve ever had. (Not that manufacturing jobs are particularly great, but at least it wasn’t retail, you know?)

It’s funny, I find myself wanting to say things to you that are basically what I need to hear right now-- I’m 36 and I feel like I have done nothing with my life, and I don’t particularly want to die but I also don’t want to keep living like this. I don’t know if it will help you to hear, but my friends are always quick to assure me that even if I feel like I have contributed nothing, my presence in their lives is worthwhile, and I contribute simply by existing. So that’s what I will say to you: your existence, your life, and your presence in the lives of those around you is worthwhile. You exist, and therefore you have not done nothing; your existence makes the world better for the people around you. You do not need to earn your place. You are more than your job, more than your productivity, and the good you bring to the world by being you is more than enough.

[thewitchoftherock]

Entrapdak prompts: Both of them learning new skills. Baking, cooking, something to do with the Fright Zone crew. Celebrating an Emily day, or a birthday. Hordak has a birthday (or a day for him to celebrate)

Specality Cooking Lessons

“Hi Luk!” Entrapta said as she lowered herself down from the vents over the kitchen. Before, this had startled him, and he had asked her a couple of times to stop popping into his kitchen like that, but he got used to it quickly, and Entrapta was the best source of Entertainment he’d had in a long, long time.

“Hello Entrapta.” He said as he finished up a batch of ration bars. These particular ones were Gluten free, since some people in the Horde couldn’t have Gluten. he set the paste to set, and turned to Entrapta.

“Anything you want me to make in particular today?” He asked. She had given him tasks that he had never gotten in the Horde before. Tiny cupcakes, Hot chocolate, brownies, cookies, cakes.. And each one had to be cute. Each one had to look precious. It was part baking, part art project.

He loved it.

“Actually, I want you to teach me today!” She said, beaming.

Oh. That was new. Entrapta had never really shown any interest in the process of cooking or baking before, just the finished product.

“Aren’t you... working on a project with Lord Hordak?” He didn’t want to take her away from an important project, especially if Hordak might get mad at him for taking up her valuable time.

“Oh, it’s fine. Just a little lesson, please!?”

“Very well.” He said, turning around to get a cookbook filled with easy pastries, “What do you want to make? A cake? Cupcakes? Cookies?”

“Uh... I don’t know yet, but I want to NOT have eggs, milk- or any dairy, or flour... Oh! And no refined sugar.”

Luk’s hand stopped over the cookbook. Those restrictions belonged to one person in the Fright Zone, and one alone.

Lord Hordak.

Was... Was Entrapta trying to cook for Lord Hordak? Were the rumors true? Would he have to change his bet!?

“Oh, and can it still look pretty!?”

Luk had a sudden image in his head of Lord Hordak of the Fright Zone eating one of the tiny, adorably decorated cupcakes he had made for Entrapta - potentially one with a kitten on it. It was a great force of will to hide his grin. Thinking of Lord Hordak eating something cute and colorful-

Wait. That was it.

“I have an idea.” He said, “Something easy to make, cute, colorful, and it meets all the dietary restrictions.... though it’s a little tedious.”

“That’s fine! I can do it!”

==========

Hordak had spent the brunt of the day working on some programming that he needed for the portal to work. he was sure Entrapta could have done this- technically- but it was in the Horde language, and she didn’t know it yet.

Maybe he’d have to teach her, just to make things more efficient.

He looked up from his working, and looked around the sanctum. Speaking of Entrapta, where was she? Not that he needed her around all the time or anything, he told himself, but it felt like she had been gone from the sanctum for a while...

The door to the Santrum wooshed open. Hordak stood up to his full, imposing height expecting a soldier or one of his Force Captains, but it was Entrapta who was Uncharisterically using the door. Perhaps she was using it because she was carrying a try in her hands which had two.... very colorful drinks in them.”

“Hordak!” She said, beaming as she walked up to him. It was odd to see her walking so slowly. “I made you a smoothie!”

“... A smoothie?” He looked at the drinks. The two of them seemed to be composed of layers of multi-colored ... not quite liquids, but not quiet solids. Oozes? Slimes? There were big straws sticking out of each each, one pink and one purple, and what appeared to be a skewer of sliced fruit carefully set over the mouths of each very large, very tall glass.

“Yeah! I made smoothies!” She took up the one with the purple straw, and pushed it into Hordak’s hands, “Yours is sweetened with honey - since you can’t have sugar.” She took her own, set the tray down, and took a long, noisy slurp.

Damn. There was that feeling again. Deep in his chest, like something was fluttering. There was a slight spark in his new armor, but he was able to ignore it.

“You made these?” He raised a brow.

“Yeah! I wanted to make you something nice to eat instead of all those ration bars, so I made you smoothies.” She took her smoothie back to her own work table, now gliding about on her hair as she got back to work without another word.

Though Hordak was able to notice there was a slight flush to her cheeks. Why did that make his ears flick?

No matter.

He eyed the very colorful drink, and took a careful, tentative sip though the straw.

“...... Entrapta.”

“Yes.”

“This is easily the most delicious thing I’ve eaten on Etheria. I did not know this planet was capable of producing such things.”

A laugh from Entrapta as she continued at her work, “I’m glad you like it. I’ll make you more.”