#feels like i need a new talk tag but idk

[barbieb0y]

journey: orientation and how i wasn't there for most of it.

(title is a reference, iykyk)

my birthday is in 6 days and i feel like i should do at least something so this is something! blogs talking about myself and my experiences, counting down to the day of the event itself

and the first one i thought of is my experience with romantic and sexual orientations. why? well the ace tag trending gave me some ideas lol

for most of my childhood, i wasn't interested in anything that isn't studying and playing by myself. wish i can say the same now

and thankfully, my parents weren't the type to fess over me interacting with the opposite sex not that i did that that much but still and teaching me about marriage and romance and all that wasn't on their minds yet at that time - and oh, how i yearn for them to stay that way now but alas.

i didn't get the hype with getting crushes and dating, until i developed what i thought was a crush. i remember being happy that i finally fit in and just like the other girls - that i wasn't just a weirdo with weird interests and lack of interest in people. and looking back on it, it's not like it wasn't a crush. it just wasn't a romantic one.

this continued on until i was 14. i'd get crushes where i just enjoyed looking at the boys' faces. it never occured to me that traditional crushes were supposed to involve actual romance. and when i did try imagining myself in romantic scenes with the boys i liked, i either felt disgusted or neutral. the neutral side of things mostly applied to fictional boys anyway.

then came the year of 2018. funnily enough, i actually remember being on tumblr that time - for the whole purpose of reading imagines of a fictional guy i thought i liked in those ways. i'd read, read, read, unaware that these pieces of writing... don't actually make me feel anything. that imagining myself in romantic + sexual situations with this guy was only bc everyone else was doing it.

when suddenly pride month rolled around.

i was an ally from the beginning. and bc of that i wanted to know more about the community so that i could show my support better. little did 14 year old me know.

i stumbled upon the term "aromantic". i started reading out of curiosity. i thought of how i could relate to most of the traits of an aromantic. i realized.

i remember i was like "so you're telling me i don't actually have to feel this stuff for people i'm seemingly attracted to?!" and remember that guy from before? every romantic and sexual thought of him vanished in an instant - and i've never felt so free. i even remember me writing a platonic self-shipping fic of me and him to celebrate; and luckily, i had friends who celebrated alongside me.

though at that time, i thought aromantic also meant asexual, so there i was going around telling people i'm aromantic without the asexual - most likely because i was taught that sex was just an extension of romance rather than being its own separate thing. until of course, i discovered the term later on and went "omg so me".

the label kind of enabled me to be more open about my dislike of romance and sex - borderline condemning it. but that was merely me projecting my own experiences; having to be subjected to society's expectations of me was more than just irritating and tiring. even if i ever change my mind one day, why should that matter? sure, preparing for the future is a smart move but what's the point if i'm abandoning my present self?

years pass and by 2022, i still identified as an aromantic asexual. at some point i even identified as a gay aroace, but then reverted back to aroace. even when there were situations and experiences that challenged me identifying with those labels, i persisted. even when i first interacted with whom i call my "first love", i wasn't attracted to them off the bat.

it took quite a few interactions. i myself was confused as to why talking to them made me so happy, especially because we didn't even talk in a chatroom - i was just an anon on their writing blog, the reason why i frequented their blog being one of the hurdles that almost made me change my labels.

to this day, i'm still unsure if mustering up the courage to privately message them made me realize i'm actually attracted to them or that i gradually realized after chatting with them in private. but in the end, i realized. i'm attracted to them. i liked the idea of being in a non-platonic relationship with them, i like imagining us in romantic situations (although at that time i didn't yet know what they look like) but either was too shy or i genuinely did not develop sexual feelings for them yet at that time. i confessed the night i messaged them.

to my surprise, it was their birthday. i'm unsure if a confession is a fit birthday gift still.

but when this happened, i didn't feel like i was betraying my aromantic asexual labels. it's more like... i broke free of them. broke free of these stupid labels that tried to tie me down for so long. so what if i haven't been attracted to anyone until now? am i not allowed to freely love because of these two words? or even, am i not allowed to be free of these words even if they define me? so i simply let go.

funnily enough, the person i fell in love with is aroace themself. a silly little plot twist in my story, i would say.

we begin to talk. a night turns into a week. a week turns into a month. 2 months after initially talking, we got together. i remember i couldn't stop smiling over how lucky i got. the person i love, who doesn't even reciprocate my feelings, was willing to give me a chance. i talked about them whenever i had the chance; the word "boyfriend" felt so sweet on my tongue.

4 months and 18 days - that's how long we were together. i remember the breakup like it was yesterday. because i once thought i wouldn't ever go through one, let alone cry myself to sleep a few nights because of it. but that wouldn't be the first time i've done that because of them - but even despite all the anguish i've experienced throughout this period, i was (and still am?) in love with them.

simply because of the fact that i was in love with them.

i acknowledged how strong and powerful romantic and sexual attraction can be, now that i experience it. though i still think people exaggerate the overall experience, their words now hold some truth for me. and to tell you the truth,

i am scared of feeling this way for someone else.

i just can't imagine myself experiencing such highs for a real person that isn't them. it feels like an absolute betrayal - to my past self, to them, to my current self. it just seems impossible. plus, feeling like a late bloomer makes me feel like shit. but if there's one thing this experience taught me,

it's that anything really can happen.

this journey is still ongoing - i'm unlabeled, still kinda in love with my ex (who is also my friend haha) and the future is uncertain. maybe i'll go back to being labeled, maybe i'll get over them, maybe both, maybe neither.

but for now, i'm unlabeled. because i'm not something to be defined.

i'm someone to be experienced.

if you read all that then thank you for listening to me ramble lol idk i just feel like talking about myself. it still feels like people don't really know me idk idk i was kinda being cheesy and stuff but hey when else am i supposed to be amirite

i will try to come up with topics for the upcoming days hehehe

[ra-vio]

this blog is 11 years old now 🎉

I drew the siblings ever to celebrate as usual

[clowningcrows]

it’s crazy how much having a safe place to be yourself and express your identity and personality and interests, both online and irl, can change your will to live. honestly.

[sodaspringz]

i just wrote a longass post about ccwlbr and everything that has improved for me since disengaging from that man and im NOT posting it and ruining the dash but i just want everyone to know. i am less active now because i am happier to face my life and all the small things in it. and it's the absence of that man that's made it possible for me. amen <3

[eddiemunsonsmum]

Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.

*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*

No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.

[idk-i-want-mcl-content]

in other news, i was waiting in line to buy a subway and started thinking about mcl again (as one does) and I ended up thinking more about how my candy and Jason would interact, and TLDR: it gave me an idea: What if I make my Candy to appear as if, at the start, she would have been a better fit for Goldreamz? Like she acts really cold in a profesional setting because of her bad experiences at EPMC but eventually, she ends up warming up to her coworkers. read below if you'll like to see my candy and her intj shenanigans.

As the player, I find Jason to be a really interesting and entertaining character, I think he's really charming, but if I met him? hell nah, leave me alone Mendal. So, I thought, what about my Candy being annoyed/indifferent at best to him and literally just. completely ignoring him at worst? I imagine the reason why she left EPMC was not because she was dating her boss (for my purposes I'm abandoning that storyline but it's cool) but because her colleagues were extremely unfair to her, and it was not necessarily the work that was exhausting her but more so having to deal with the people around her. I think she has deal plenty with people similar to Jason, in the form of egotistical people who think they are above everyone and if you don't agree then you are a fool. And because of that, when Jason attempts at the start to try and make her play games she's just straight up not buying it. When they met in ep 2 I think she would be polite to him, maybe even thinking that he's going to be a competent competitor BUT the moment he starts bickering with Devon and Roy she would be like no thanks <3 and would resort to appear indifferent to Devon and Roy about the matter, which might not be the best and for Jason, well you know him he wants to get in your mind as quick as possible. But, just because she appears like that doesn't mean her blood isn't boiling and she's just holding herself back to tell Jason to stfu. I think she would tell him to stop interrupting the client and would put emphasis on "we came here for the client, not for you" and of course, Jason would tease as he does in the game telling her "oh, so you are the one in charge now? you should tell the same to your coworkers then, it seems Roy didn't get that memo" (or something like that, I'm not Jason but yk) and Roy wouldn't appreciate that, to say the least. After that, when Jason tells her at the end how sorry he is that he's going to steal this project from them, she'll simply tell him results will tell and I think this indifference is what can make Jason feel annoyed lol. When the event is done and Jason CONTINUES to tell them that their project was not good enough, I'll like for her to tell him something similar to the game. In ep 3 she sees Jason at the mall but just walks past him lol and in ep 4 I think i'm going to make her be like dude, I don't think it's our bussiness to know who Jason sleeps with yk, which will spark a little debate between her and Thomas (he's her crush but they aren't interested in each other at this point, but they are in good terms) AND i think, if Jason hears her and then he continues talking, if it's canon that he gets her phone number, he definitely would start to imply for her to change companies again. And Brune saying "oh wow, what a coincidence that now that she's here, Jason is too. Almost as if he's following her" would NOT help her ass💀💀💀 I think Amanda would be more suspicious of her, and both have a little bit of a strained relationship as coworkers (for now) sooo yk, it's almost as if my candy's on thin ice from the start lol then for ep 5 i feel like they would meet a different side of her (if I end up sticking her in the same position as the canon Candy, which idk, i would like for her to either work on graphic design OR on finances but whatev), in this version I imagine she chose Devon to work with and the others, seeing that Devon is pleased they probably would relax a bit more about her switching companies and be more trusfull of her for ep 6 i want my candy to be with her roommate, I imagine Devenementiel talking about the fair and she's like besties no, I've already have plans with some friends (she does ballet, she's going with those friends + her roommate who is her bestie) BUT, just when she was about to leave with her roommate, Roy saw them and invited them again, which worked. And because she has her best friend here, she feels a little bit more at ease and starts to show her personality a little bit more.

[mars-ipan]

god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…

[pangyham]

GAH LONG POST..

xingqiu and chongyun have insanely good potential for angst my god. xingqiu in particular is so fun to think about in the context of chongyun. what do YOU know about chivalry boy

thinking about how he and hu tao kinda operate on similar notions of justice and all that shmick except hu tao is more strictly averse to disrupting the Natural Order (incredibly vague and generalized concept rn sorry) whilst xingqiu sets his principles more arbitrarily. chongyun's presence somehow foils a lot of his notable character traits. gestures hands vaguely in the air but sth sth hu tao would not approve of xq's moral infractions

perhaps im just reading too deep into this but shrugs ill admit something's changed in Me the last 2 years and coming back to xq and cy has me like. scratches head now hold on im not entirely sure if i even like the way xq treats cy. its kinda one of the main points of their dynamic- the whole.. pranking this oblivious guy who i really adore etc. but its deeper implications leave me a little unsatisfied and a little troubled (?).. in the long run i personally dont really see anything substantially appealing about their (leaning towards romantic in this context) relationship other than like ?? the tropes that mhy imposed upon them. they were created as a compatible Duo ykwim. they reference each other a lot in their lore and even in-game but.. idk maybe i just view them separately instead of a joint unit that anaylzing them individually revealed a lot of crevices and cracks in their ship that's built upon their mainstream appeal

but anyway i've thought a lot about them as a duo and is it nuts to say i like them as a romantic ship but if they were unrequited. i can see them working out but it necessitates a complete subversion and reconstruction of xingqiu (chara development basically LOL) on my part that i would totally invest myself in but im not entirely sure how to execute it

i like xingqiu a LOT as a flawed character. i wouldnt go as far as to say hes toxic, just very conflicted and insecure. hes a fun character to think about. re: the hu tao bit i mentioned above, i think they would have a really fun, witty, and transformative friendship

but anyway. yes i like xq and i still like xy. theyre just a bit more complicated now aha. im still capable of enjoying fluffy ship dynamics but lately ive been in a Character Study Mood ... mmm.. ive yet to organize my chongming thoughts

[unnamed-atlas]

Finally finished sweet tooth s3. Having incredibly mixed feelings

[fadeintolight]

pont pont vesszőcske

[cha1cedony]

Idk what it is that makes me fixate so hard on one specific thing for years at a time, but I need it to chill out 😭 DnDads has been my only long-term media interest for like 1 and 1/2 years now, and it’s BORING to only like one thing ever lol I’m BORED!!! I need other things to be interested in, but I struggle with getting into new stuff (other than video games) sooo bad :(

That said, if you have DnD podcast recs that have interesting characters……… GIMME 👀 Also where the early episodes aren’t a nightmare to listen to 🙏 I have never listened to any other DnD podcasts, and I think it’s mostly bc the earlier seasons are always poor audio quality or like 3 hours long 😭 I’m also good with any type of narrative podcast. I just want compelling characters and platonic/familial dynamics pls. Stuff I can write sad shit about!! But also not TOO sad the whole time… maybe a little bit silly idk

So far, ones I’ve written down to listen to are Cast Party and Friends at the Table? I don’t know anything about either of them, though so? Also I keep seeing my mutuals posting Oxventure and Woe.Begone (although the latter isn’t a DnD podcast.. I think?) sooooo let me know your thoughts. And recommendations! Send me your propaganda! Tell me about your blorbos

[snekthedemonnoodle]

am i the only one who gets the weirdest deja vu from scaled and icy? the colors, the promo posters, the songs, the mvs, all of it just gives me the weirdest (but the best sense) of deja vu and reminds me of a trip to a city (new york, i think?) that i was never on

[projectdivaar]

I feel like I'm v academically smart but oh my god I am fucking hopelesssss at anything people related

[solearobservatory]

im about to be back on my coco and nexmex bullshit i swan 2 john. Watch me go bonkers ✨️

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

[chiistarri]

imsoo normal about guys byw