#feeling so suicidal after months of not feeling it is so shitty lol

[achingroses]

constantly reminded of the reasons as to why i want to stay away from my family

[theeangeltimes]

Vampire Academy Books 1-3 Re-read Thought Dump

For the past several months, I’ve been working my way through a re-read of one of my favorite book series, Vampire Academy.

I first read it four years ago when I was 14/15, so it’s been a loooong time and I’ve forgotten quite a bit of it. Plus, now that I’m older and more intelligent/perceptive/critical, my opinions have changed quite a bit and I’ve picked up on more subtle things in the story this time around. In this blog (for my own sake, lol), I’ll be sharing some of the new stances I’ve developed on aspects/characters in the first three books of the series, Vampire Academy, Frost Bite, and Shadow Kiss (as those are the only ones I’ve re-read thus far). AND THERE WILL BE SPOILERS, so beware!

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

• Lissa + roselissa’s friendship kinda fvcking suck.

I’ve never been the biggest fan of lissa and she honestly kind of always rubbed me the wrong way, but during my first read I never really thought too much about it and could never put my finger on what exactly it was that bothered me about her. But now I know!

Their friendship just feels so disproportionate in the sense that it feels like Rose would and has done literally EVERYTHING for Lissa, but Lissa wouldn’t do the same. Like Rose is literally training to spend her future dedicated to Lissa and risking her life to protect her. She also took Lissa away from the academy, putting her herself in jeopardy to keep Lissa safe AND even let Lissa feed off of her while they were out in the human world by themselves despite that being seen as utterly degrading by their society. And let’s not forget how she knew that Lissa’s use of spirit was wreaking havoc on her mental well-being and would probably drive her to insanity or even suicide, yet she let Lissa keep on using it just because it made her happy…

But when Dimitri was left behind in the cave after the mission in Shadow Kiss, Lissa wouldn’t even tell Rose that she would at least ATTEMPT to heal Dimitri or bring him back to life even though Rose was distraught and begging. And then she had the nerve to get mad at Rose when she found out that she and Dimitri had a relationship and Rose didn’t tell her about it. Like, what???

And there’s other ways she’s rubbed me the wrong way but I won’t mention them because I feel like I don’t have enough proof to truly support my argument, but I’m still right! ☝️

Lissa is also just sort of a bland character. And I normally like quiet kind smart girls, but there’s just something that falls flat about her for me.

And speaking of the bond…

• The use of the bond was a very clever storytelling device. So while I do find it mostly annoying, I also appreciate it.

• Adrian is a fvcking CREEP!!!

I truly, TRULY, do not understand how I liked or even felt bad for Adrian at all when I first read this series. He’s a creep, and the way that Lissa (see? another reason why Lissa sucks) and Richelle Mead try to gaslight both us the reader and Rose into thinking that deep down he’s some great guy pissed me off so much. And it makes me feel insane when I look at how the fandom as a whole tends to love him and defend him and act like Rose is this major evil bitch, because HOWWWWWW???

It’s bad enough that he is constantly flirting with Rose since she’s underage, but even if she was a grown ass woman, it would still be gross; Rose tells him over and over again to leave her alone and stop flirting with her, and yet he persists. And also makes sexual comments to/about her. And always tries to ~playfully~ coerce her into giving him physical contact like hugs. And also bugs her in her dreams even though, once again, she tell him not to. Like there’s no way she can escape his creepy ass and nobody steps in for her to tell him to fuck off and leave her alone. It’s blood-boiling to me.

And, spolier: from what I can recall, more layers of shittiness are added to his character as the series progresses and even more are added in Bloodlines (unpopular opinion, but oh well). The only good thing that mf has done is fund rose’s trip to kill strigoi Dimitri.

And speaking of her getting money from Adrian…

• I genuinely do not feel bad for Rose asking Adrian for money.

Like why in the world would I care that a woman does something kind of bad to her harasser? Especially when she’s a teenager who’s in a terrible space mentally?

The whole exchange reinforces how Adrian is a total creep. As I previously mentioned, Rose was not only in mental/emotional turmoil due to Lissa’s use of spirit, but she was also reeling from Mason’s passing, the strigoi attacks and their casualties, and Dimitri turning strigoi. And yet he was still bugging her about dating him.

• The dhampirs (especially the women and girls) are greatly oppressed and thus far no one has even really acknowledged that except Ambrose, and he doesn’t even truly relay just how bad their oppression is.

The Moroi (as a class) exploit the physical abilities of dhampirs and more importantly the fact that the dhampir race cannot go on without Moroi and coerce them into dedicating their entire lives to being their guard dogs. The only other choices that dhampirs really have when they’re adults other than becoming guardians is to become “blood whores,” single mothers who live on communes (which is pretty much always conflated with being a blood whore by most people in their society), or being alone and vulnerable in the human world.

And it’s completely normalized (the primary way that dhampir a are reproduced, in fact) in their society for Moroi men to have casual relationships with dhampir women, impregnate them, and then leave them to raise their children on their own while they go and settle down with a Moroi woman instead. PLUS, guardians having serious romantic relationships is looked down upon, so those are pretty much out of the question.

And what makes it worse is that they can’t even liberate themselves from Moroi completely unless they’re willing to have the dhampir race die out completely since interaction with humans is not a real option.

To make matters even worse, Moroi could have been fighting alongside dhampirs to protect themselves from strigoi, and the fire users can very easily kill strigoi without even coming into physical contact with them, but no. The moroi were too damn lazy and thought of themselves too highly to do so. Which is why I’m glad that Moroi have started advocating for Moroi to begin fighting as well and that becomes a big theme throughout the novels.

• Moroi (as a class) are evil oppressors, continued

The whole feeder system is very flawed and exploitative, in my opinion. The fact that we briefly see in the books a few times that the feedings cause a mental deterioration for the feeders after a while is the main reason why. In Shadow Kiss, the way that rose and Christian were sitting there calling Alice (the elderly feeder who seemed to be experiencing some sort of psychosis) ~craaaazzzyyyyyy~ yet Christian still proceeded to feed on her definitely made me side eye him.

Surely there could be a more humane system put into place, like age/service limits for feeders or something.

*side note: I don’t think we ever figure out how Alice knew about how the strigoi were coming? I could very well be wrong though, I’ll have to see if Richelle provides answers in the following books.*

• Despite how outspoken and confident and strong and brave Rose may be, she has ZERO self-preservation or self-worth when it comes to herself and the dhampir race as a whole.

To see her repeatedly talk about how it was both her and every other dhampir’s duty to protect and prioritize Moroi and become guardians and repeat that stupid “they come first” mantra and dedicate her entire life to training just to protect her friend has honestly been painful. Like, girl, STAND UP!!! None of you were put on this planet just to give up your life and be 24/7 bodyguards to some people that likely see you as inferior to them!

However, I do think this aspect of her makes her character more real and complex. Rose may seem like a rebel to the people around her because she often gets into trouble and is sassy and ran away, but in reality, she isn’t one at all. Her worldview is actually quite traditional. She has internalized all the norms in her society without a second thought and doesn’t begin to see things differently until she starts interacting more with the world outside of St. Vladimir’s and is upon the brink of adulthood. She even says herself “Why was everyone suddenly challenging something that I’d held as absolute truth my entire life?” in Shadow Kiss.

I’m very excited to see how both Rose and her world continue to evolve and grow with the next three books. I don’t remember the society and characterization of these books being so rich and complex, Richelle Mead did an amazing job creating a compelling and thought-provoking world. So while I may not think that these books are literary masterpieces like I once did, I appreciate them in a new, deeper way.

[spaceoperajay]

i still want to quit my job early november but it looks llike i would be unemployed for quite awhile if i did but still too short to start a new job. looking at like a 6 month gap. which sounds great on a personal level but im worried about explaining the gap to future employers.

like i could genuinely say i would be doing volunteeer work but if they ask details it will be obvious its very lefty stuff which might be a turn off.

i could also genuinely say i would be doing self improvement in terms of working on writing and drawing. but that feels so lame it makes me look like not a hard worker lol

i could genuinely say mental health issues but im NOT gonna admit that lol.

i could lie and say taking care of my mother. which is what i did for this job to explain why it took me 1.5 yrs to find a job after graduation.

i guess i am just very anxious about not being able to find a job if i take a break because it took me so long as an entry engineer to find non-military work while graduating in the middle of a pandemic. i mean i also had a very shitty gpa and was suicidally depressed lol and now i have 3 years working at a good company on my resume and better mental health and social support

sigh sigh sigh i need advice

[tianshiisdead]

Hi! I'm going to be writing a loong final message for an ex friend under the readmore, it's very angry and upset and literally just talking about petty personal problems lol so please ignore it. To that ex friend, I know you know who you are and you will probably see this if you have someone tracking my blog, maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't. Either way, it's off my chest and somewhere you can see it. Don't worry, I don't use any names. Warnings for suicide mentions, suibaiting, the works.

Wow! The more I think about you the more I feel like a fucking idiot. I've mulled over this for ages, looked at all of our old chats, wrestled with tears and wondered what I could have done better. Here's my final speech, since you probably didn't read the one I sent last time we spoke.

What I did wrong: didn't set the hardest boundaries, only slightly pushed back when you triggered me and didn't call you out when you clearly triggered me on purpose for not giving you the response you wanted, brushed off your slur-calling and crudeness.

I apologize for that, I stand by the fact that I think I made my issues with your behavior clear since months ago, I honestly didn't mince my words that much, telling you when you hurt or scared me, asking you to be better, and jesus you know I'm not bsing because you always admitted fault and said you wanted to improve, you just never did. But I could have been harsher, meaner, obviously I should have been because you never took anything I said to heart in the long term.

Other than that, how dare you? How dare you think it was okay, whether I pushed back or not, to mock my family's experience with colonialism, and cultural genocide, the colonial violence that produced me, because I wasn't responding to you on voice call? Do you think it's okay to needle and mock things I've been vulnerable with you about and admitted to being sensitive about, just because I didn't call you out every time afterward? Some of the vile things you've said to me shouldn't even have crossed your MIND. How dare you think it was okay to threaten to kill yourself because I was asleep and didn't respond within a couple of hours? How dare you steamroll my boundaries for months after I told you I had a history of life-threatening disorders and weaponize it against me when I lightly disagreed with you on a political topic? How dare you talk behind my back? Do you think me telling you 'you're not a bad person but your actions hurt people' was me not setting boundaries? Do you think you were the only one with issues? I won't pretend you didn't comfort us at times and hype us up, you weren't a cartoon villain, but the amount of times you spoke over us when we were speaking but would RAGE if we didn't respond to you instantly?

How dare you. I destroyed my health to support yours, not because I was up for the task but because you made me feel like, flat-out stated that you would hurt yourself if I didn't and it would be my fault. And to be fair, other times I did reach out myself BECAUSE I CARED ABOUT YOU. And this is how you discard me? I know you feel guilty lol, you always spoke about feeling guilty after hurting us month after month and you'd give a half-assed apology, talk about being on whatever arc, and then continue doing what you always did. You could analyze your own behavior and recognize all of your shittalking behind people's backs was due to your own complexes, yet always stopped short of actually reflecting in a way that brought change. Our last conversation was pathetic. If you genuinely thought you were in the right, I would honestly respect that more. But I know you're guilty, you just refuse to confront that guilt. You refuse to take responsibility and fully deal with how you acted. You always want to blame it on something, you always need to make it about people hating you or being unlovable and evil or whatever unavoidable tragedy, get over yourself, you acted in a shitty way and now it's confronting you, it's not deep or tragic, it's just a shitty human thing you did.

And you know what, I've also been in a place where I've hurt a friend because of a similar mental illness, constantly needy and feeling like she hated me, constantly leaving our chats and spiraling and speaking to her about things she hated but she never told me she hated because she wanted me to be able to talk to her. And at one point she confronted me and told me how she felt, like I and our mutual friend told you. And I'm sorry but I felt bad too, I was also resentful, I wondered why she had never told me and wondered why she didn't set boundaries harder, and I also sat down and reflected and apologized properly. I knew and she knew my actions weren't completely my own, but I still hurt her and overstepped, and from the bottom of my heart I didn't want to lose a friend who I loved. So I apologized properly, not because I didn't want to feel guilty or because I wanted to move on with my life. I apologized because I hurt her, someone I cared about. I suppose that's too much for you to do.

Fuck you and I hope you go to therapy. I know you see me, and our mutual friends as a bad chapter you can discard, that you'll just move on without ever confronting the things you've done to us, some of them worse than what you've done to me, but you were my friend and I cared about you and gave my health and time to you because I wanted to see you happy and thriving. Sometimes I see the unfinished things I was going to draw for you and make with you and cry, and I know you don't have the heart to feel that way for me.

Final note. You told me a few conversations before our final one that you wanted to move on, make better friends that suited you better, make things better for yourself. And that's fine, but also kind of heartless. I don't regret our friendship, though I regret how you hurt us. I cared about you, and I gave you my time because I cared about you. I regret that when it got too much and I told you, over and over and over again through the months, you acknowledged what was wrong and then brushed it off and never changed. I regret that you see us as a bad chapter, guilt you have to get rid of, and not as individuals who cared about you, who you ultimately hurt and discarded. You really are on your grindset lol, always improving yourself, discarding the ones who don't improve you. Life isn't just about improving and grindset, other people have feelings too that aren't just there to build your character arc. We all fuck up and hurt people dude, and sometimes we have to just own up to it.

[ur-blxxdy-valentine]

its the fact im about to starting laughing and have a psychotic brerak instead of a fucking mental breakdwon, well aftet a mental breakdown hahahahaha. what the fuck is the point anymore? why the fuck do i have to live? im about to write a fucking suicide note. i really cant anymore lol. i cant..... why does she fucking hate me? why is she leaving me? what di di do to them? nothing....... yeah mt bpd fucking bpd-ed all the time before her father forced her to delte everything nad stop talking to me but it has to be a fucking lie now. BECAUSE WHY ELSE WOULD SHE WOULD HAVE CHANGED HER PROFILE PIC ON DISCORD AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS TO IZZY FUCKING STRADLIN IN COQETTE FUCKING AESTHETIC FROM LANA DEL REY!?!?!? IF SHE HAS SOCIAL MEDIA SHE SHOULD BE FUCKING TALKING TO ME. I'VE BEEN BLOWING UP HER FUCKING TUMBLR. THAT'S ALL I'VE DONE EVERY SINGLE DAY MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY. BUT LOL SHE FUCKING HATES ME. THEY ALL HATE ME. IM LOSING MY BESTFRIEND AND MY MAX AFTER ALL THIS TIME. THEYRE LEAVING ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. THEY PROMISED. SHE PROMISED ME SHE WOULDNT LEAVE. WHY DOES EVERYONE FUCKING HATE ME!? WHY ME!? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME!?

I cant fucking breathe, i cant stop crying........my everything hurts. im about to puke. and suicide is seeming perfect and im to the point of tryin gagain because nothing is fucking owrth it again, im down this fucking hole so bad like i was one other time and atp im going to be determined to fucking succeed in it. im such a worthless shitty human being i really cant keep trying anymore.

-🔥

hey Snow listen. if they choose not to talk to you that is on them. that is not about you as a person. i don’t have the power to stop you. all i can say is you’re losing every opportunity if you end it all right now. you’re losing any chance at happiness you’ll ever get and you are solidifying a life of pure misery. live out of spite if you want i don’t fucking know. but other people shouldn’t dictate your life. it’s your life and their decisions are on them. yeah, it hurts like hell. it feels like the end of the world and like everything is collapsing around you. god, do i understand that completely. those people, however, are just fishes in the sea. there are billions of people in this world and there’s someone that will stay with you and that truly are worth your time. i can confidently say now, that if i died in the moments that i wanted to i would’ve lost the best things that have ever happened to me. it’s a battle for sure. everyday is hard as hell and sometimes it feels like im damn near an inch of my life left. then i stop, i physically and mentally stop. i think of anything that made me smile that day. i think of just something that shut my brain off for a second. i know you have something. i know if you tried you’d think of something. then, you’d have to focus on that thought. something made you happy. one small thing in life is there to remind you that not every second has to be hell. now, think of all the places you’ve been, things you’ve done, things you’ve seen. i doubt you’ve seen everything this world has to offer. i’m sure there’s things you still want to do. there’s things in this world constantly being created, opportunities being presented, millions of things that have the potential of changing everything for you. so many new things that could make you as happy as the one thing you’re thinking of. your possibilities are literally endless! unless you decide to end them for yourself. you don’t give yourself the time to meet someone who stays and loves you, the time to turn your life around, the time to do all you dream of. you end it all now. it’s all choice. it’s your choice and i’m not here to tell you what to do. just don’t let any one person dictate your life. focus on you. what do you truly want?

[s0lar-ch3ri]

character writing time (i made my son today its so traumatized already <3)

okay so i did come up with it through a self-made prompt: we always hear about how the villain has better reasons then the hero, or the villain's goal is more just then the hero's. well, the hero realized this after a confrontation with the villain. as such, they quit working for those in charge, the ones wanting to fight for these ideals, wanting to go join the villain. however, being enemies doesn't stop when you switch sides, and the villain pushes the hero away. the hero now is a traitor to both sides, evil in the eyes of all parties involved, and a hero to none no longer.

another thing before we begin, my son aka the character i made uses it/itself pronouns and is boyflux! its unnamed, but ill come up with one later, rn its writing time (yes i built my prompt now differently, this is like the backstory to the scenario, and tw of attempts at suicide and general shitty quality of life) (adding while writing, talking badly about using it/itself pronouns (which i do use, nothing wrong with them)

you can also not look if you wanna just have your own written ideas and dont think mine would follow ours or whatever lol

Was it 7 months, 8? It didn't know. It didn't feel a need to care. Not after all it had worked for came crashing down. For 7 years, it had worked to be great. It was great. It saved people, it fought away bad guys, it was helpful to their cause. Then it opened its eyes, with help from their enemy.

"Do they want a safe city, or are they fighting for the control over it?" Marion had boomed. It normally wasn't enough, but it didn't leave it's head and it had to ask. And oh boy did that go just GREAT. It quit then and there, and in the process became a target for them to destroy. It had planned to maybe work with Marion, maybe even stay with her. But she didn't believe a word. She didn't want to listen long, and those eyes declared the message before she spoke it.

"Leave before I make you."

For 7 years, it was a respected individual. In these 7 or so months, it was unable to be seen as an individual by any. Out of costume and out of any shelter or anything, it had sunk lower then the care for a shot rabid dog. Maybe if it had fucking planned, it wouldn't be freaked out over any look, worrying if any food they'd get was poisoned, if the world could care for a second.

The running tired it's legs. It was tired of running. So here it was, sitting on a crummy wooden bridge, in the bumfuck area of town, where if improvements happened it came from the people's efforts. The railing creaked and it was littered with nails and glue desperately trying to hold together the pieces. The bridge's best area was how built in it was to the road, it supported it well. That didn't stop the paint peeling and uneven planks from filling one with fear. Still, the small snail painting which seemed to have new additions to it each day (new flowers, a sun, friends, anything these kids could paint) was cute. It felt fragile and strong at heart.

The rails were warm. Its hands held the plank and closed its eyes, taking it in. The noises of conversation just too far away, maybe some cars, the wind, its breaths. In, comfort and warmth and love filled itself. Out, the knowledge it couldn't be for someone like it, one who itself knows it couldn't be referred to as human. In, the musky waters about one block away from the bridge filled its brain. Out its arms went. Out its legs went. Out of this world it wished for. Holding in this final breath, even when its lungs wanted nothing more. Just like in the uppers' trainings, it thought. No pain, no gain, it thought.

In, fallen off and finally finding an answer to where the world's kindness went, it had fallen into Marion's. Her dark blue eyes reminded it of the night sky. It wondered if this was death yet.

"Now what the fuck were you doing." She was holding it so nicely. As though she'd feel pity for the rabid dog, still holding on through its pain, no matter how much it didn't want to. "God, breathe, you're not dead yet!" Without warning, it felt a quick flat blow to the stomach, forcing it to let go of whatever air it tried to hold just a little longer.

"Maybe I should have used rope, heh." It's voice was shakey and louder then it wanted.

"Well, I'm grateful you didn't." There was a moment of silence between the two. It's head just looked up at the stars, barely visible.

"...You weren't lying. You weren't trying to deceive me or whatever shit."

"...I guess."

"Why did you go talk to me first?"

"...Don't know, felt right." It lied there.

"Hey," grabbing its cheek and tilting its head down. "I may not fully fucking trust you, but your staying with me for now. If this whole thing was a trick, then fuck you, but I sadly can't let somebody try that again. Not when it's y...someone with good information on those fuckasses." Morian chose her words carefully, as though one mess up and itd try again.

Grabbing her hand, it knew this was probably how itd be going. No way people change heart so easily. Yet, it couldn't lie on this, it was one of the most pleasant kidnappings it had been apart of.

[urlocalmentallyunstablegal]

long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

[orangetubor]

Vent kinda cuz I'm. Rahhhhh. I say kinda but it's actually. Trigger warnings in tags

I gotta stop falling for suicidal people. Like my first bf/gf we were cute cuz we were 11 but like even before we started dating they tried to kill themself. At a Halloween party no less. I'm glad I was there to talk them out of it though. Don't want their zombie costume becoming real lol. We broke up cuz I'm too touchy and can't read the body language that says 'stop'. I didn't even think I was touchy I would just like tap their hand with my pinky during class. I only even got one kiss and it was through two layers of mask cuz COVID.

Were still friends I think. Not as close as we were but we're still friends. Still married in tomodachi life and we just had our second kid <3 there's all these remnants of the friendship and I just miss them so much.

And then there's the current boy. Didn't even mean to fall for him. I guess no one does. But this was like a 'he tied my shoelaces and laughed in my face' type of fall. It started one day when he accidentally grabbed my hand when trying to grab a book and I was like 'no were holding hands now'. Rookie mistake. But we held hands all the way to class and it became a habit after that because my hands are very warm and his are very cold. After this I was like 'okay am I fr in love or this a crush or something or do I just like holding hands' and it was really big deal for me cuz I was questioning aromantism at the time (I'm p sure I'm demi now) and then one time we accidentally kissed cuz we were trying to pick something up and I turned to face him and my mask touched his lips. I didn't even get to FEEL it but I still get sweaty thinking about. That sounds weird but like there's a heat radiating from my stomach and hands. Maybe it's the coffee. But still I just. RAHHHHHHHHHH. and then his friends thought we were dating and we kept joking about it and I thought I would get my teen romance or something but I kept second guessing and wondering if I was just in love with being in love or if I was in love with him. And then. Heartbreak. And that's how I knew I was in love with him. Cuz he had a crush on someone else. And now he's dating another someone else. Or he was the last time I checked. And he even said verbally in pe 'i always have a hard time telling the difference between platonic and romantic attraction. I thought I liked you at some point but I don't think I do' and at that point I was like. Clinging to straws and then he just threw the hay bale off a cliff.

And I want to hate him. I want to hate him so much and I just can't. And now. Rahhhhh. He wasnt responding to any of my texts so I was sad cuz abandonment issues and I TOLD him. (I communicated my feelings!!! Yippee!!!) And he said he was going through some stuff so I was like okay and I kept texting him stuff over summer so he could reply at any time but at some point he stopped reading the texts. And it's been like a month and I have no idea if he's even alive. But I WANT to know I NEED to know and I can't talk to my mum about it cuz she'll tell his parents and then he'll get in trouble cuz his parents suck and I don't want ANOTHER friend to hate me cuz I got them in trouble with their parents cuz I thought I could trust my mum not to tell their shitty parents. And I'm fucking sick of falling in love with suicidal people. I want him to be ALIVE so I can HATE him. And I can't do that if he's DEAD.

[ycurkxng-a]

My Enemies Invisible, I Don't Know How To Fight.

Character: Dean King

Warnings: A lot of self hatred in this one lol and suicidal ideation (I don't feel like this bad I just wanted to write Dean going through it)

You're a real sack of shit, y'know that? You hurt the people around you then put on a show of remorse for what you did, but do you really think that changes anything? What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Please. Please just be quiet.

One of those nights. He'd had at least 8 of these in the past month, and it was only the 12th.

There was no break from the hell that was his mind, and there was a pattern to it. The late hours of the night began to creep its way in, and Dean was left alone with his own thoughts. That alone was a fate worse than death itself, but he kept pushing through, as unfortunate as that was for both himself and those around him.

Dear god, why did he have to live with this? What the fuck did he do to deserve goddamn nightmare?

For Gods sake, he wasn't even in the double digits by the time he started thinking of watching his blood leak out of his body, it only got worse as time passed. It'd been intensified by the insane amounts of trauma he'd been put through, all that anguish, all that hurt, it manifested itself as an enemy within his own head.

Every night it taunted him, it drove him closer and closer to giving into his primal urges and to just stop the gut-wrenching agony that had become simply existing. Tonight was no different than the rest, it made him remember all the bad he'd done, all the people he'd lost, every little thing that he regretted was brought up like a shitty PowerPoint presentation.

You don't need to keep dealing with me, y'know.

Don't fucking start with this again.

I'm just saying, you've already died before, you could handle it one last time and let that be it.

For the love of God, just let me sleep.

Dean already knew there wasn't a chance of him getting any rest, it was pointless to try and argue with it. Pointless to try at all, actually. It was a part of him he was arguing with, he may as well have been playing chess against himself.

He pulled himself out of bed and slid on a shirt that had been lying off to the side, if he was going to be awake for the rest of the night he didn't want to be freezing his tits off.

In his head, he already planned out how the next day would go. Thankfully he had nothing going on, so he could just sleep when his body inevitably shut down on him. It was a way to rest without making it permanent, that was a win for him.

That voice in the back of his head didn't pipe down at all as Dean went to go out of his bedroom. If anything, it grew louder, more aggressive.

YOU CAN ACT LIKE YOUVE GOTTEN BETTER, YOU CAN PRETEND THAT YOUVE CHANGED- BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE NOTHING MORE THAN THAT SCARED LITTLE BOY. YOU REMEMBER IT, DONT YOU?

THE SCREAMING? THE PAIN? OF COURSE YOU DO. IT MOLDED YOU INTO WHAT YOU ARE. AND YOU HURT PEOPLE BECAUSE OF IT. BUT YOU CAN MAKE IT BETTER.

P I C K U P T H E G U N.

In a hazy moment of weakness, Dean stopped in his tracks and shot his arm straight towards his bedroom doorway. His fist slammed into the warped wood and a burning sensation coursed through his knuckles, this kind of pain was something he'd unfortunately grown accustomed to over what seemed to be a lifetime of fighting. Despite that, it didn't change his visceral reaction to the pain.

A quick step back before he clutched onto his aching limb, his jaw clenched so tight it felt like his teeth would crush underneath the pressure. But through the pain, he noticed something.

...

The silence.

If this were any other situation, he'd be scrambling to fill the air with noise so he could focus on something other than his thoughts, but this wasn't any other situation. That voice had grown quiet.. only after he punched the doorway. The continued burn through his bones seemed to do enough to keep it quiet, as if his pain satiated it.

Dean appreciated the quiet while he had it, and without another thought, he went back to his bed. He'd deal with his most likely broken knuckles in the morning, for now he needed some goddamn sleep. It wasn't like he'd be able to have an opportunity like this again anytime soon.

[trickinabucket]

Hi I’m losing my mind, it might be bc I’m hormonal, idk lol

(Suicide mention and intense feelings below the cut)

My new friends been having a rough time of it for a few…well, a while. Since before they knew me. Some life stuff.

The first time they mentioned to me they have a history of suicidal thoughts in the past was soooorta last night? They mentioned the week had been going shitty and they’ve been having a lot of thoughts. Then, radio silence.

I’m already losing my mind over the possibility of having lost a new friend so soon after meeting them.

I feel a sort of. Profound, existential loneliness right now. And it’s been happening for a few months/a year, but right now, it’s just choking me.

Obligatory.

[birdsongvelvet]

I can’t find the video now (honestly a pity, feel like a lot of stuff from the last 3 years has already been memory holed; they were probably getting angry youtube comments or some bullshit) but this song came on shuffle

And got me thinking about the covid vaccine PSA there was set to it, it had people getting their shots with bandaids with reasons like “my grandma” “my aunt” etc written on them, but it ends with “for front row seats” on one and that was the one that would get me emotional, remember, this was early 2021 and we thought it was a real possibility that concerts etc as they were were never coming back.

I guess because it’s almost that time of year, I keep thinking about the various stages of this surreal, impossible few years and feel strangely nostalgic about them? Like the “haha this is so weird, few weeks off!” Animal Crossing period where my friends and I were having weekly virtual game nights. Now that we can be together, we just… don’t. That brief period of banging on pots and pans for healthcare workers because for a month of two, everyone actually was united on trying to stop this thing. Summer 2020 destroyed that. Or that period in 2021 when we thought the vaccines were going to end the pandemic entirely. It felt hopeful. Now there is no hope for better. Somehow right now feels more hopeless than living through it did, because we’ve been left with this half-functional, angry, traumatized world where everyone hates each other, companies have made a ton of money and keep gouging us because they’re used to it and are throwing away some of the positive things we learned out of the pandemic, like allowing work-from-home (very lucky that my company physically cannot go back to the office because they got rid of the office during the pandemic lol - though I do wish I had somewhere to go twice a week or so), governments haven’t responded to the crises caused by a horrible mass event like they did in the face of the world wars etc (or fuck, even SARS - after SARS, everywhere did some small things like installing hand sanitizer dispensers. Now nearly every store I go to doesn’t even bother to refill theirs anymore), and everyone got used to the shitty, isolated, lazy lifestyles they developed during the pandemic and don’t do anything other than sit at home anymore, aided by the tech companies that profit from things staying that way.

And we’ve all lost people. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t lost someone. In many cases, not from covid, but because of everything covid caused - not catching cancer fast enough, dementia accelerated by isolation, suicide and drugs.

I know enough history to know life goes on. But I am so sad that my childhood 25 years ago will unquestionably have been better than the one my little brother is having. It’s not supposed to be that way.

[its-afucking-mess]

Flooded - Ethan Torchio angst

There's bound to be flaw in recovery.

Warnings (please spare them a read): suicide attempt (drowning), mention of previous attempt, mentions of self harm, intrusive thoughts, fighting.

Note: this is fiction. im not implying this is ethan, and im not in any way trying to project this on him. this was kinda made as a vent/rant thing, and i used this fictional charscterisation of ethan to project slightly (also it might be a bit bad because of that lol). stay fresh, stay safe and stay sane <3.

More works

________

He was getting better. He had to be.

Victoria had stopped pestering him about eating. Thomas stopped running after him with bottles of water everywhere. Damiano had stopped the lectures inspirational speeches before and after shows. They weren’t in his hair all the time, not as much as before.

He looked at the half-filled bathtub next to him. The empty bathroom. The closed door. He had re-earned their trust. He was allowed to go out alone, to be in his room alone, with the door closed. They didn’t monitor him. Not that much.

Today marked 2 months since Ethan’s first attempt. He hadn’t actually done something, but the thought was there. He had been too overwhelmed by panic, fear, guilt. The blade never met skin, just hovered over his wrist. Victoria’s cries were all the same behind the locked door. He still wasn’t “allowed” to lock the door behind him, but it’s not like he ever had to. Plus, no one locked their doors. There wasn’t a need, they were all incredibly comfortable with each other.

Ethan sighed. Today wasn't good. He hasn’t been feeling too healthy lately, his mind seemed more intoxicated then if he were on drugs. He was out of medication, his therapist had the week off and the “reassuring” replies long after his episodes were starting to feel like mockery. He had snapped at Thomas today. Yelled at Vic. He, albeit not hard, had slapped Damiano flat across his face. Damiano hadn’t reacted, and neither had Ethan. He just waited for the older to yell at him, waited for the lecture, maybe a slap in return, tears pooling at his eyes. “We all know you aren’t well, but right now, you are being a dick” Damiano had said, voice not wavering once as he followed behind Vic and Thomas, out of the studio, maybe even out of the house. Ethan had just stayed there, letting the tears finally roll down his cheeks.

That was when the thought had first resurfaced. Ethan doubted he'd ever drop in that mental state again, yet the all too familiar voice grew from the back of his mind. He closed the running water before the bath got full. He didn’t take his clothes off. He wanted the extra weight.

He should probably feel more remorse. Last time, the fear of disappointing anyone had grounded him. You think that’d be the case now, too. But right now, he felt like he didn’t care. The thought had been tugging at his head.

“Always so impulsive, seems like so lately. God, you’re a massive jerk. The others must be so disappointed. Fucking kill yourself, but actually do it this time, coward”

That’s where he felt remorse. He couldn’t not apologise after being such an ass. So, when the others were back, even if they tried to avoid the drummer, he managed to apologise. He had hugged Thomas, holding back tears as he apologised for snapping at him. He let Vic punch him softly at his shoulder, a “stronzo” making out of her lips with a soft grin. He offered himself for Damiano to slap him back, but the older just patted his shoulder and accepted the apology, followed by a tight embrace and a strong slap to his ass. Ethan had laughed, ‘cause that’s who Damiano is, and that’s how he knew he wasn’t mad. Far from it; Damiano seemed in a playful mood.

They had settled on this random film, played on the national channel. Even if he had been forgiven, Ethans mindset didn’t change. The thought had rooted, and the apologies had seemed as if out of pity to his brain. Like the others had to accept the shitty excuse of word mumbles that Ethan had the nerve to call an apology, for fear Ethan would do something.

He knew that he was gone. Too far gone to stop himself. He remembered the signs from last time. If he had any chance of stopping himself, of someone talking him some sense into him, it was now. This was his only chance to revert. To stop before any serious damage was made.

He never said anything. He didn’t want to break the relaxed atmosphere. Not everything was about him. Ethan let himself slip into that state of idleness. All his movements were automatic. Get up. Excuse yourself to take a simple bath. Go to the bathroom. He’d figure the rest from there.

He had closed the door. Not locked it, a sliver of hope telling him the others would notice, that they will check on him before all went to shit. The illogical voice in his head drowned the remaining hope, not before Ethan stood by the foot of the bath.

He was strong enough to keep himself under the water. It was a matter of starting. He knew it would hurt, he had heard about it. His lungs will seize, spasm, his heart will race, his muscles will put up a fight, would resist. It will burn, his chest will burn, it will feel like it’ll collapse on itself, like his heart would beat itself out of his chest. He’ll black out from the lack of oxygen. Then his throat will relax, reflectively, letting the water in. By then, its mere seconds before he’s dead.

It seemed simple enough. He had rehearsed it in his head. He wasn’t going to make noise, either.

He didn’t want the attention on him, not after how he had been treated after the first attempt. It was like he was made of glass, as if he was a child that didn’t know better. It had annoyed him to no extent. Therapy had been exhausting, and the medication had left him wanting to hurt himself more than before. He remembers those nights, goosebumps on his skin. Everything had been triggering, even his own pained reflection the following days.

Ethan was stalling.

He knew he was. All these memories, it’s the remaining sanity in him screaming at him that it isn’t worth it. It wasn’t loud, or clear in his head, and the full thought, the full consideration of stopping never reached his train of thought.

With a sigh, he steps in. The water feels uncomfortable against the fabric. It sticks to his legs as he gets in, the cotton absorbing the water, the dampness rising up his leg. He sits down. He’s taking it slow. Ethan’s way less scared than last time. Feeling way less guilty. So what if he was selfish? He could admit it, he did admit it when he apologised to the others. It’s not like it would matter anymore.

He layed lower, slowly wetting his shirt. It clings on his shoulders, weighing him down. His mouth feels dry, his stomach is twisting in dread. He is dreading this next part, but he’s also longing for it. The desire, the need runs deep in his blood.

He didn’t go under straight away. He let his hair get wet, splashed some of the water on his face. His head felt heavier, throbbing in pain. Of course a headache would manifest itself now of all times. It all made Ethan want to go under the water even more. Sure, he’d struggle. It’ll hurt. But he’d feel free. He’ll free everyone from himself, he’ll free himself from himself.

With a deep, shuddering breath, hands gripping the sides of the marble tub tight, he lowered his head under the water.

It doesn’t hurt at first. It feels like a simple dive in the pool, in the sea. His eyes closed as he’d let the freezing water cool his body under the summer sun. He exhaled, the bubbles escaping to the surface. Then his chest started to ache, and his lungs demanded more air. Ethan doesn’t go up. His hands grip tighter, and he lays motionless as the pain grows. It goes up to his throat, and he can hear his heartbeat in his ears. His mouth opens reflectively, only to be met by water instead of air. Ethan’s body tries to expel the water, but more seems to find a way in. It’s an endless, painful cycle of coughing, trying to get the water out, then choking when more water enters his mouth.

The fear was settling, and he was split. His body was screaming at him to let go, to let his head float and break the surface. The pain was so much worse than he made himself believe, his hands on fire and chest heaving, his heart rate picking up speed with every unsuccessful inhale. His body keeps trying, keeps fighting, legs bent at the knees as he tries to ground himself, to exhaust this energy that fights for him. He doesn’t dare open his eyes. The fuzziness at the back of his mind approaches fast, and it seems rewarding. His legs have stilled, dropped. His knuckles have gone white, and the end of his pain, to his overa;; suffering is near. His end is near, and it excited him as much as it terrified him.

He was about to welcome the feeling of numbness, his senses slipping away.

A strong hand breaks his grip on the tub, relaxes his arms, and another three pairs of arms pull his head out of the water. He can’t fight them.

Ethan lets out an involuntary gasp of relief. He coughs, he heaves and the tears run hot, even through his closed eyes. He felt like he was being edged. He was so, so close to what he wanted what he thought he wanted, so close to his release. And it was robbed away from him. He couldn’t help the tears, or the sobs, or the continuous coughing as his body got itself together- as much as it could, still.

It felt unfair, in the moment. Maybe, if he slept on it, he’d be grateful. That’s what his therapist had told him. But now, it was cruel. It was unjust and it was sheer torchure to him. Aching hands covered his face, the ones that had pulled him out not having left his back still, instead supporting him. The water felt shallower and shallower, until it was only him in the bath. He didn’t put up a fight when hands tugged at his clothes, he paid no attention to what he thinks is Damiano speaking to him. He sulks, and he lets his body hang limp, leaving all control to the others.

He felt exhausted, he was in heavy, overwhelming pain, both physically and mentally. He wanted nothing more than to sleep. Maybe even forever. He didn’t have the heart to face anyone, and he went from having no guilt, to being swallowed by remorse.

Ethan didn’t speak a word the rest of the evening. He didn’t have it in him to apologise, not yet, not while he still tried to convince himself he wanted to be dead.

He spent the rest of the night in a cuddle pile with Vic, Thomas and Damiano, and for maybe the hundredth time that day, he let tears run down his cheek. But this time, it was out of joy, of love.

They actually cared for him, they stopped him from doing something irreversible. Ethan snuggled into the cuddle pile more, and Damiano’s “Welcome back, bambino” brought a smile to his face, one he was unable to hide.

________

tags: @cheese-toastie-11 @writingmaneskin @teenyweenynightghost @idyllicbutterfly @que--sera--sera @icarodamiano @mywritingonlyfans @oro-e-diamanti

[cl16clerc]

I love you

John DeaconXReader

A/N: This is my first ever piece of writing on this page! Excuse if it needs room for improvement

Summary: reader and John are married with two boys. Reader had trouble trusting in the past but John promises to never hurt her. All makes reader doubt one Christmas morning though. (shitty summary lol but you get the jist)

Warnings: angst, mentions of previous heartbreak, swearing, mentions of sex, talk of depression and hints of suicidal thoughts (my DMs are always open for anyone who needs to talk <3)

You stood by the stream. It used to be a place of comfort. The noise of the water gliding away was comforting. It was a place of comfort because of him, he introduced it to you.

The wind picked up its pace and you held onto you jacket tightly.

“Merry Christmas, Y/N.” You told yourself sarcastically. It was, in fact, the least merriest of Christmases.

You thought about your two sons, Lucas and Michael, who were blissfully unaware of the future that had been altered for them by their father, by him. There was so much hate you felt for him.

They were staying at Freddie’s house, as he was more than happy to look after them after he found out what had happened. You sighed in relief that you at least had someone to turn to.

One hand clutching the dainty necklace you were wearing, memories flooded back. You closed your eyes, welcoming these thoughts.

“Why are you so afraid to love me?” John yelled, hands in his hair.

Tears brimmed both of your eyes as the frustration of the argument began to kick in. The same dainty necklace he’d gifted you was bouncing on your chest as you paced around the room in anger.

“John please! I’m not afraid! I just don’t want to carry on this with you!” You knew deep down you loved him more than anything, but you just couldn’t admit it. “Besides, it’s too quick to even know!”

A silence that you didn’t expect flooded the room. You just assumed he’d leave, walk out, like they’d always done in the past. But instead, he walked towards you, sitting on the sofa in front of you.

“It’s been four months, Y/N. There’s more to it, isn’t there?” He reached out to hold your hand but you pulled back.

“I know you a lot more than you’d like to admit, angel.” You couldn’t help but give into that feeling. The desire to have someone to love you and care for you.

You sighed deeply and allowed yourself to let go.

“I feel a lot, don’t we all? I’ve spend nights, barely able to breathe because the person I loved the most just left me. I was ripped away from the one thing I lived for. It was the worst feeling in my life. From then on to avoid all of that, I made sure that I didn’t get involved in all of that love again. John, since then I’ve never been on a proper date let alone been with someone for more than one night! It’s just difficult for me to trust.” You struggled to hold back the tears.

John leapt to his feet, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“Y/N I promise I would never do that. Just give me a chance. Please? I promise I’ll never ever hurt you. I love you so much.” He kissed your forehead.

“I love you too.” And you allowed yourself to do so.

Like a fool. You allowed yourself to love him.

The tears had finally reached you, pouring out and falling on your cheek and some even into the stream in front of you. You held onto the railing, bracing the impact of anxiety that hit you. The memories of this awful morning also started to come back, as you too let them flood your mind.

It was this morning you’d woken up without him by your side. No one there to kiss you on your forehead and wish you a Merry Christmas. You thought nothing of it though as you’d expected John to be downstairs, wrapping presents for your boys.

Just like a kid on Christmas, you got out of bed as quickly as possible. Eager to spend the special day with your family. You wrapped yourself in a fluffy bathrobe and put on your matching fluffy slippers.

Waking up on Christmas morning used to be such a bore, you had no partner or children and did your best to avoid friends as you knew the talk of their happy Christmases would only make you feel worse.

But now you could wake up, excited to spend the day with your family. You constantly thanked yourself for trusting John all these years.

As you made your way down the stairs, you were greeted by John, who was sat on a small stool in front of the presents drinking tea.

“Sorry, I forgot to make you a cup.” He said coldly, you assumed he was just tired.

“No bother, I’ll make one for myself now.” You smiled.

Walking over to him, you wished him a ‘Happy Christmas’ and went to kiss his cheek. However, he backed off slowly, purposefully avoiding your affection.

“Sorry, just tired, not really feeling it,” He looked up at your confused expression. “Merry Christmas.”

Still, this wasn’t enough to beat down your mood. Even though the ‘just tired’ thing had always meant something else. You hurried over the kitchen to boil the water and make another tea for John.

“You okay, Johnny?” You shouted from the kitchen.

“Perfectly fine.” He didn’t sound it.

The suspicion you had was caught off guard by your two boys racing down the stairs.

“It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas!” They chanted and you and John laughed.

“Yes it’s Christmas, now who wants to open their presents?”

You replayed that part of the day in your head again and again. Was their something you could have said to avoid the heartbreak that was yet to come? Probably not, but everyone thinks that they can change the bad things, don’t they?

It was a little bit later on in the morning when he asked to talk to you. The kids had opened their presents and just had breakfast and were now occupied with their toys, so they didn’t suspect anything as the two of you stepped outside. You were still in your slippers and bathrobe, shivering in the December breeze.

“Look Y/N, I’ve been thinking…” John started, but couldn’t bring himself to finish as he looked at the ground.

“I can’t do this anymore.” His words made you go blind. Your entire body dropped to the ground as you felt lower than ever.

“What?” You choked out.

“I can’t do this anymore. I think it’s all getting too much. It’s not that I don’t love you… it’s just-”

“It’s what, John?” You interrupted

“Y/N look it’s not about you, ok? That’s all I can say.” He cried.

Instead of freaking out about how to react, your mind went straight to your children.

“It has everything to do with me! If you’re going to divorce me you have to think about the consequences! What about the boys?” You tapped your foot in frustration.

“Split custody? I don’t know! But I can’t do this with you anymore and that’s final!” He sounded hurt, almost. Like some part of his words he didn’t mean.

You didn’t want to sympathise. But he was your husband. You had to work through it.

“Johnny come on, talk to me. I love you, we can work through anything.”

“I don’t love you, that’s the thing.” John said bluntly.

Once again your heart dropped. There was no way to process information like that. Where had this all come from? You’d put all of your trust into this man, all of your love. He promised you he’d do nothing other than support you and care for you.

“All those years ago, you swore that you’d never do this to me.” You hissed.

“Yeah well, times change, Y/N, you need to get real.” Those words were not ones you ever expected to be coming out of your husband’s mouth.

No, this can’t be him? It just didn’t make sense. It was so uncalled for, so random.

You two had to return to the house and act normal for the boys. In a way it felt like you had an excuse to still pretend that things were ok. John even held your hand for a bit. That hurt the most.

For the rest of the day, you were supposed to be at Freddie’s house with the rest of John’s band mates. Freddie, however, was your best friend, so you knew you had to tell him what had happened. As soon as you told him, it took a lot of convincing to make sure Freddie didn’t go and destroy John in that moment. He’d told you to go for a walk and clear your head whilst he’d speak to John. 

And that’s how you’d ended up here, stood in front of the stream John had taken you to on one of your dates. The heart shaped necklace clutched in your hand was one that he’d given to you stood by this stream.

You opened it carefully. Inside was a photo of you and John, he was kissing your cheek. It took so much in you to not cry again, but the tears just seemed to flow.

“I’ll always love you, John.” You whispered to the necklace.

Closing it, you dangled it over the stream, contemplating whether or not you should let it go. You didn’t want to because a part of you still believed he’d come back. There was no way it could end so abruptly.

“I wouldn’t drop that if I were you.” His voice made you shudder.

You turned around to see your husband (or ex husband) stood with teary eyes, nose red and hair blowing in all directions.

“What do you want? Come here to tell me you’ve already met someone new?” You placed the necklace back in your pocket.

“Y/N please let me explain myself.” John’s voice was cold and lacked any sort of emotion.

“These past few months everything has gone down hill for me. I don’t know whether it’s the stress of touring or the band’s arguments, it’s just all I do know it’s not you or the children. I’ve been so lost and unhappy, Y/N. I love you dearly and believe me, this horrible side of me is never apparent when I’m with you because you make everything feel better. I don’t know why I even dared to say I didn’t love you anymore. I love you and will love you until it kills me. I’ve just been in such a bad place…” His voice broke as he struggled to look you in the eye “… I thought that separating myself from you and the boys would make it easier if I- if I ever did something bad to myself.”

His words made you want to collapse onto the floor and cry. You couldn’t believe the love of your life felt this way. It was heartbreaking.

You didn’t think twice before running to your husband, embracing him in a hug. He broke down in your arms.

“Johnny, please don’t leave me. Talk to me about these things okay? I swear to God we will work through whatever you’re feeling.” John just continued crying as he nodded in your arms.

“Come on, the boys will be waiting for us. Let’s not disappoint, it’s Christmas after all.” Your heart swelled as you realised just 15 minutes ago you never thought you’d be able to hug John again.

The pair of you walked hand in hand, up the bending paths that followed the stream. You’d steal the occasional kiss, acting like teenagers again.

“I’m sorry if I ruined your Christmas.” John mumbled.

“Don’t ever be sorry. I’m glad we can work through this.” You smiled.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too, John.”

“Did Fred talk to you?” You asked.

“No, I did see him pacing towards me with Brian and Roger on his shoulders. I ran out of the door screaming “I’m going to sort it” before they could do anything.” You bursted out laughing at John.

“You’re going to be in so much trouble when you get home.” You chuckled.

John stopped, turning around to face you.

“You know, I’m pretty sure we’ve shagged in that bush before.” He had a look in his eyes.

“Don’t even think about it, snowman. You’ve got so many layers on, by the time I can even see the top of your dick it’ll be dark.” You smiled, pinching his cheek.

As you two continued walking, you felt a sense of gratitude. Everything was perfect and how you wanted it to be in this very moment.

“So let’s say I’ve got less layers on tonight, maybe even none! Is the offer still on the table?” John asked like an eager teenager.

“Maybe Mr Deacon, let’s see if you behave.”

[oscar-lettjohanssonloveme]

"And I’m damn proud of you, because you survived another day." (Ms. Venable x reader,

hiyaa :3 i wrote this yesterday while we were stuck in traffic...so idk lol

summary: You are depressed coz of the apocalypse and your girlfriend wants to help you..idk i’m bad in smt like that :’)

warnings: depression, talking about suicide, pills

“momma im in love with google translate”

"Maybe I'm going crazy now, but I saw a young woman in the hallway in front of the library last night", Mr. Gallant said  at the dinner tonight

Timothy just shrugged.

"It must have been some Gray who got lost", he muttered and stabbed the little cube in front of him with his fork.

Mister Gallant rolled his eyes.

"No I swear!", Replied the hairstylist. "I know all the Grays by now and I've never seen her before and she wore purple."

Stu, who was sitting next to the man, suppressed a laugh.

"You've probably seen a ghost, I said it's only a question of time before the first of us commits suicide."

"Or until Miss Venable killed everyone who didn't obey her rules", Coco added in a whisper and made the others laugh.

Unlucky Miss Venable wasn't deaf.

"What nonsense .." hissed the red-haired woman at the other end of the table.

"I promise you, the only ghost that will haunt around here is Mister Gallant's, should he wander around the Outpost one more time."

Immediately everyone stopped laughing and all eyes were on Miss Venable, who now stood up without a word to go out of the room.

"Or her ghost, if she continues to act as if we were her subjects ..", Coco mumbled quietly before she turned back to her 'dinner'.

------------

Miss Venable ran through the corridors of her outpost to get to her room.

What those idiots at the table had said worried her. Not because she cared about other people's opinions, simply because they were right. The thing with the ghost was just a joke, but it was, what you basically were...a ghost.

Ever since you first met before all of this, you had been struggling with depression and an apocalypse was unlikely to improve your condition. She had decided it was better if the other residents of the outpost didn't find out about your existence. Which wasn't a problem, because most of the day you were just lying in bed tired anyway.

"Hey princess .." she said gently as she entered your bedroom. Her eyes fell on you in concern. Like the days before, you lay buried in your blanket and the only thing what she could see was your disheveled hair, which had become greasy. One would have thought you would have been dead, had your chest not slowly raised and lowered again.

Mina closed the door behind her, before crossing the room to sit next to you on the edge of the bed. She carefully pulled the covers down to reveal your face. Without emotion, you stared with bleary eyes into the flame of the torch that hung on the wall.

"How do you feel?", Mina whispered and pushed a few strands of your hair from your face.

"I missed you ..", you answered in a dry voice and Mina could feel a pang in her chest when she heard it.

"I'm here now", she muttered as she put her hand on your cheek.

She looked sadly into your cloudy eyes and knew that you probably wished you weren't alive any longer.

You cleared your throat and turned your gaze to Mina. And Mina could see that you were trying to bring a small smile to your chapped lips.

"I took my pills .." you said and Mina's eyes lit up at your words.

"Thats great, princess!", she called and smiled lovingly at you.

"I'm proud of you."

"And I ate the cubes",  you added as you pull the blanket a little higher over your shoulders. "Even they were disgusting."

"You are such a good girl",  Mina muttered before bending over to press her lips against the warm skin of your temple.

"I'll have a quick shower before I get to bed with you",  she explained and got up to look at you thoughtfully.

"Do you want to join me?"

You looked at her for a few seconds with narrowed eyes.

"I look like shit don't I?" You finally said as you stood up with shaky legs and held onto her arm, which she held out to you.

"Don't say that", Mina replied as she led you into your bathroom. "You are beautiful as always, Princess".

Together with Mina's help, you manage to shower. It was unbelievably exhausting for Mina to stand so long without her cane and the fact that she now also helped you to wash, bordered on a miracle.

After both of you showered and dried your hair, you climbed into your bed and you could finally curl up in your girlfriend's arms.

"I forgot to ask how your day was".  Mina heard you whisper in the dark while rubbing her hands over the bare skin of your back.

She pondered briefly what to answer you. Her day had been shitty. Those selfish, rich assholes were just annoying.

"My day was okay", she mumbled and suddenly she remembered the conversation at dinner.

"Why didn't you tell me, you were in the library last night?" She added without sounding reproachful.

"How do you know that?" You asked confused as you started to play with the hem of her purple nightgown. When Mina didn't answer you continued.

"I wanted to read last night so I went to the library to get a book."

Mina hesitated a few seconds before answering. Somewhere it was great, you had left your room for the first time in weeks, but on the other hand she disapproved the thought of you, wandering through the corridors of the outpost at night.

"You could have woken me up, I would have gone with you." she said finally.

"Did you at least be able to read?"

"I gave up after the first three sentences", you sighed.

"It was just too much."

Your girlfriend wrapped her arms around you a little tighter when she heard the regret in your voice.

"It's okay .." she hummed. "The only important thing right now, is that you survived another day. I'm proud of you princess", she muttered, suppressing a yawn before closing her eyes and falling asleep a few minutes later.

She told you that every evening.

---------------------

You had been in this outpost for almost two months and you got tired of waking up every morning with a fear of opening your eyes. Because a part of you still had the hope,that it was just a nightmare. But whenever you opened your eyes, instead of staring out of the window of your bedroom, you stared into the fire of the torch, thag hung next to the bed and all your hopes died.

You found yourself ungrateful and you could think of countless people, who would have deserved your place in the Outpost much more than you did. You weren't anyone and just because Mina was your girlfriend you were still alive. That was unfair.

Of course you could see how worried Mina was about you and you hated yourself for it. The world had come to an end and Mina, as the head of this outpost, paid her attention to you, the poor little wreck that couldn't even shower by itself.

You pulled the blanket a little tighter around your shoulders when a slight breeze made you shiver and sent goosebumps all over your body. It had been a stupid idea to leave your room again, but you had to promise Mina that you would take your pills and now you were looking for the kitchen, if there was something like that here, to get a glass of water.

Usually Mina brought you these things and you couldn't blame her for forgetting today.

It was currently 10 p.m. and you were already in your pajamas while walking barefoot through the outpost to get some water.

"Oh my god. Gallant was right, it's haunted here", a shrill voice suddenly called from behind you and made you flinch. You turned slowly around and looked with narrowed eyes into the face of a blonde woman, who came up to you and stood in front of you with folded arms.

"Are you a purple?" She asked you frowning and you nodded curtly.

"And whats your name?" She asked further.

"Y / N", you mumbled and decided at the same moment, that you didn't like this woman.

"Well, Y / N, I've never seen you here before",

the blonde cocked her head and looked at you piercingly as

you looked away from her and looked embarrassed at your feet.

"I spend a lot of time in my room."

"Your room?" Asked the woman confused.

"Which room do you live in exactly? To the best of my knowledge, all of the rooms in the outpost are occupied. You can't have a room of your own-"

"I should go now", you muttered as you turned to move away from this annoying woman, but she grabbed your wrist.

"Just wait until Miss Venable finds out", she said, looking down at you smugly. "You know, she-"

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Mina's loud voice at the end of the hall made you both drive around to her.

The blonde immediately let go of your wrist and pointed with outstretched fingers at your trembling form.

"This is the woman Mister Gallant was talking about", she said and looked at you disparagingly.

"You see? It's not haunted here", Mina hissed as she approached you both. "As tightly as you have gripped her wrist, she can't be a ghost."

"I've never seen her here before, how is that possible?" Asked the annoying woman and you winced again when her shrill voice boomed in your ears.

"Maybe because your selfish ass is too busy with itself?", Mina funodded angrily at the blonde, who thought with open mouth what she should answer, but Mina got ahead of her.

"I think you should go to bed now, before you say anything you might regret later", Mina kept her voice lowered while she spoke and sounded dangerous at the same time.

The woman next to you looked at you and then at Mina one more time before turning and reluctantly went down the hall.

"Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt", Mina said to you while she watched the blonde disappear into one of the rooms and you knew that she meant the woman's name.

"What are you doing here, princess?", asked your girlfriend and grabbed the hand that this woman, Coco, had just grabbed, to gently stroke the back of your hand with her thumb.

"I wanted to get some water.. you know, for the pills", you mumbled.

"And then this woman came."

"Go back to our room, it's cold," Mina cooed and gently squeezed your hand.

"I'll get you water."

"Thanks .." you said curtly and let go of her hand before turning around to go back to your room.

When Mina came to your room less than five minutes later, you were already buried in bed under your blanket again and only your head was sticking out.

"I've got your water", she muttered and walked across the room to put the glass on your bedside table. You mumbled a little "thank you", reached for the glass to wash down the pills.

As you drank, your eyes were glued on Mina, who crossed the room to lock your door and you could see her grimace with every step she took.

"You are in pain", you noticed shortly after you put your glass back on the table.

"Honey?" You kept trying as she ignored you.

"I'm fine," she growled without looking at you.

"Stop lying to me."

Again she didn't answer and just sat on the edge of her bed.

Worried you stared holes in her back while you chewed on your cracked lower lip. She always did that .. Whenever she felt bad and you noticed, she ignored you.

"Okay, come here", you sighed and climbed over the bed to sit cross-legged behind her.

"What is this supposed to be, Princess?"

Mina sounded confused when she felt you carefully pull the zipper of her dress down.

"I take care of you", you muttered and also pulled the zipper of her white lace blouse down to expose her back.

"Y / N, you really don't have to. I don't-"

"Shut up, Mina!", you growled and leaned over to take the lotion off her bedside table. You opened the jar to spread the lotion on your fingers.

"You let me know if I hurt you, right?" You whispered and when she nodded in agreement you carefully began to spread the ointment on her back.

The next minute was filled with a pleasant silence as you tried not to hurt your girlfriend and tried to be as gentle as possible. You usually did this for her every night, but for the past few weeks it had been canceled due to your health and it was obvious that she couldn't take care of it herself.

"How was your day, princess?", Mina finally asked quietly and you took a moment to think about her question.

"Better than yesterday", you said curtly while your fingers were still wandering over her serpentine spine.

"You know, everytime I close my eyes, I see faces of my friends and relatives and I wonder if this will ever end."

Mina hummed in agreement before speaking.

"I haven't had a lot of people I liked, but I can imagine how awful you feel. It may not be a comfort, but I think you will eventually get used to it."

"I don't know ,how I feel right now to be honest", you mumbled.

"Inside of me everything is so empty. I haven't shed a single tear in weeks, if you understand what I mean."

Mina nodded slowly and was about to say something when suddenly you wrapped your arms around her from behind and carefully leaned your forehead against her back.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Mina", you whispered against her skin. "And even if I'm not really showing it at the moment, I'm so grateful for everything you do for me and I love you so much."

"Oh Princess ..", Mina cooed gently as she turned around in your arms to press her lips against yours.

"I know that you love me and I love you too. And you survived another day and that's the only thing that matters at the moment."

-------------------

A few days went by and you were still a total mess.

One day you walked around the room and could tidy up something while other days you could just lie in bed and stare holes in the wall. Mina was still very worried about you and really wanted you to be fine. But she also understood that this was probably going to be difficult for you, as there was nothing to hold on to your hope.

It was already afternoon when she was on her way to your room to bring you something, that she hoped would help. And while one hand was protecting herself on her stick, she was holding the clear plastic jar in the other, that she wanted to show you.

"Hey little sunshine", she called when she came into your room to find you wrapped in her blanket. She frowned.

"Why are you lying under my blanket?"

"I missed you and the blanket smells like you", you grumbled as you pulled the blanket down to reveal your face. Your eyes wandered to the plastic can in Mina's hand.

"What's that?" You asked confused

Mina smiled as she walked over to you to sit next to you on the bed.

"This is for you", she muttered and you sat up to take the can, she held out to you in your hands.

Mina looked at you expectantly and watched with satisfaction as your eyes lit up when you recognized the contents of the box.

"Oh my god, Mina", you breathed and began to smile while your eyes stared fascinated at the red butterfly, that was fluttering around in the box.

"She came into the outpost two days ago and I had her checked for diseases", Mina explained as she brushed a few of your hair off your face.

"She is beautiful", you whispered and when Mina saw tears glistening in your eyes, she knew that it was the right decision to give you the butterfly.

"She is", she mumbled contentedly before reaching out to tap the wall of the can with her index finger.

"And do you see the little pearls, that lie in the corner on the sheet? Those are eggs, from which caterpillars will hatch at some point-"

"And then they turn into more butterflies", you finished and she nodded.

"Mina, that's great, if we do everything right, we will not only be able to save our species, theirs too", you said and looked at Mina with sparkling eyes.

"You absolutely have to show the others .."

"Oh no", Mina replied.

"The others would find it more disgusting than fascinating, so you should take care of them."

"I ugh- well, thank you", you smiled brightly at her and Mina was glad to finally see you smile again. She leaned forward to kiss you on the forehead before she put her arm around you and you could rest your head on her shoulder. And while she was watching the little butterfly like you, the smell of her lavender perfume suddenly rose to her nose and she frowned.

"Do you wear my perfume, princess?", She asked confused and of course couldn't see how you blushed.

"As I said, I missed you", you muttered.

"Please don't be mad at me, i know its weird."

"No! I think its cute", Mina said quickly uhd pressed another kiss on your hair.

"And i'm damn proud of you, because you survived another day."

[thissugarcane]

qaf season 4 rewatch

this is in prep to rewrite plotlines, so it's probably not interesting to anyone else! rambling thoughts about timelines and a scene-by-scene reminder of what happens in 4x01, for myself.

first scene: shanda singing "We did what we had to do, won't forget, can't regret, what I did for you"

scene: at the loft, brian and justin

brian and justin in the loft talking about brian's credit card bills and gay charities asking for money

brian jokes about justin selling blowjobs again, "we sold almost 3000 copies of rage alone on the net last month"

"I thought we were partners" "we are" *hearteyes*

then they're at babylon: brian is still drinking chivas regal (this is only "three days" after the end of s3 as said later)

justin says "you help everyone" and brian doesn't disagree, he just smiles and pets justin's hair -- they're really actually open with each other here (they're also cuddling)

next scene, ben and hunter's mom

they're fighting, ben lies about hunter running away

"I have a custody on tuesday"

next scene, mel and lindsay at their house [this won't be the same since Mel left]

mel and lindsay talking about different charities: "angels over pittsburgh" "teen suicide prevention hotline" "transgender shelter" "marriage initiative"

"ted gets'em too"

emmett comes in and talking about emmett doing a benefit for "think positive" -- talks about ted's orchid

ted asked the lesbians to take care of the orchid and the mail, and Mel is the one that tells Emmett Ted's in rehab

they encourage emmett to come visit and em's like, "I'm busy" - and then he's pissed that they're willing to forgive

next scene: michael and hunter watching tv in a shitty motel room (ngl, I don't care -- hunter goes to turn a trick for cash)

next scene: diner, the gang together

deb says "three days and not one fucking word" -- brian's sitting with Ben and Mel and Lindsay at the diner looking extremely in pain

justin's working, and brian only talks to Justin this entire scene

deb tries to comp brian's meal and brian in retaliation takes all the bills

Justin only says "Brian."

Brian "by 4:30 this afternoon i intend to be reinstated in my former position and with a sizeable raise" justin: "vance asked you back?" ... Brian: I'm gonna try to be as gracious as long as I possibly can, then stick it to the motherfucker, you keep the change deb

next scene: Shanda singing "there's a change in the weather, change in the scene, and from now on there'll be a change in me"

next scene: ted at rehab, talking in group while Blake is leading.

he's talking about the porn they were watching at the party, admitted he's the one that was being gangbanged. he looks at blake before he admits it.

he also says "I'll have to take [an HIV] test" because he doesn't know if they were using condoms -- does this ever actually come up again in the next 3 months??

ted: "I don't feel very optimistic".

blake and ted after the group mtg: "we've all been there" and ted says "you being there made it all easier"; ted's happy to see blake and blake's obviously happy to see Ted, this romance not working is so sad

emmett's in the waiting room and ted and emmett are still really awkward -- ted is fronting in front of emmett and not in front of blake (the same way brian pretends for michael and NOT for justin lol)

blake and emmett's reunion here is awkward and painful and blake is like "why me" -- this is really, the only point we see emmett show jealousy, isn't it? so much like michael/brian/justin!

next scene: shanda singing "now you say you're sorry, for being so untrue, well you can cry me a river, cry me a river, I've cried a river over you

next scene: vance and brian at vangard

vance; you look great, whiskey? brian: "little early for happy hour" vance: you're here, I'm happy.

they talk about Stockwell being indicted in the cover-up of that young man's murder, mayor deekins has demanded his resignation. brian: how the mighty have fallen. vance; damn lucky for vangard he didn't bring us down with him.

brian's all coy and vance just folds his arms and say "sooo, name your price." he doesn't want to fuck around obviously.

brian: "there are other issues" jacuzzi, expense account... "loyalty". vance says "I give you my word. my handshake." and brian face says, yeah that means dick all and we both know it.

the non-competition clause is what puts brian off here.

next scene: michael looking for hunter and he's out tricking.

next scene: ted at rehab scrubbing the floor

blake flirting with him and also very calm, neutral, and good with ted

they talk about how ted brought blake to rehab and blake left and ted admits he "more than cared" about him-- "thats why I had to leave" Ted: "to spare me the pain?" Blake: "and myself, from you seeing me that way".

ted's latching on and blake's pulling away and blake admits he's still into opera (going on a hot date to an opera)

next scene, michael and hunter coming back, ben is super happy and thrilled (a morning)

next scene: michael brings brian back his car

brian bitches about how michael ate in the car etc

michael kisses him on the lips, "for giving me the wheels right out from under you, for no other reason than you love me." brian's response is "you're pathetic. and so is this car. now I have just enough time to get it washed."

next scene: shanda singing "are the stars up tonight, I don't know if it's cloudy or bright, cause I only have eyes for you"

brian in a series of restaurants "because I consider you my most important client" trying to convince them to come

eyeconics

crawley open fire steakhouses

leo brown

he's going for a boutique operation

shanda lear: and I only have eyes for you

next scene: debs place for dinner

vic, michael, hunter, ben and deb having dinner, michael's like "know how I know she's pissed? she's being nice"

mel and lindsay come in, mel dressed as a nun and lindsay dressed as friedrich?

"the singalong sound of music, a benefit for pediatric AIDS"

this is where Mel volunteers to be guardian ad litem (aka his advocate)

next scene, woody's, justin and brian <3

justin: "by the time you're done decimating his client list, vance will be asking you for a job." Brian: "we'll see" justin: "stop being modest" brian: "I was aiming for smug"

this is where justin gives brian the napkin with "kinnetik" on it.

them making out at the bar

Emmett at a table by himself, brian: "buy you a drink?" they invite him to babylon

they're apparently keeping an eye on Emmett

justin knew ted's at rehab too -- obviously the lesbians were really bad about keeping THOSE secrets...

em tells him about seeing blake as a drug abuse counselor, brian and justin doesn't say anything about it

next scene: ben and michael having sex and being corny

and then michael being all shitty about himself about running off, ben says "what you did was incredible"

I mean, that's a bit much Ben but sure-- it is impressive in some ways, and putting hunter's safety above his own is important growth for michael. it was just stupid, too. *g*

next scene: brian and jennifer, selling the loft [the day after at least, maybe later that week], justin coming in mid-conversation

let's be honest, I've watched this one a hundred times

"it's where we made love for the first time" <333333

justin didn't know brian was planning to sell

also, shockingly jennifer is the only one brian accepts help from ("I won't be charging commission")?? <3

"you're not selling your loft. it's your home." this is exactly what michael says about it in S2 (re: Kip). but. then AS NOW it's JUSTIN that fixes it.

this is when Brian admits that his clients turned him down and he can't get another loan or another job except for in new jersey.

brian's "It's just four walls and a floor"... in many ways the loft is the only thing brian has left other than justin.

they're so beautiful in this scene.

also, brian doesn't argue that they're in love, he doesn't deny the love is there, he just says it wasn't love the first night. he also doesn't disagree when justin tells him "It was love to me".

next scene, vic and emmett

vic's hammering lobster and emmett is hungover

deb shows up and vic and deb start yelling and then vic and deb mouth to each other so deb decides to shove her nose in

"fundraiser for the center-- christ, another one?"

vic got a postcard ("we met at a fairy gathering") and then tells emmett about the fairy gathering

Deb: honey maybe that's what you need? Emmett "running around in the woods with a bunch of fairies? hah. thanks, but, I'll stick to advil."

next scene, justin, lindsay and mel walking with gus and talking about brian's troubles

obviously in the new story Justin won't be with both of them... maybe just Lindsay?

they're also talking about stockwell indicted

this is where justin tells them brian paid for the commercial himself

Mel: I never dreamed I'd be saying this but I wish there was something we could do

Lindsay: "It's his choice" and immediately Justin's all are you kidding me? that's all you've got? just like when anyone says "there's nothing we can do [to help brian]" justin is immediately "welp guess I'll do it myself AS PER USUAL".

next scene in court with mel, hunter, ben and michael (one day)

in the fic have Mel approach Ben maybe about hunter, and have them tense but willing to help together

next scene, emmett goes to ted's to pick up kitchen stuff (same day)

"cinnamon poacher" "pan" "strainer"

Ted was sitting on the couch and they talk, emmett says "what are you doing here [...] kudos to your counselor"

Ted is very depressed here but still trying to be funny

Emmett: "Sorry. Don't plan pity parties." then emmett tells him the truth, get your ass back to rehab. ted says "I'm beyond repair. I have nothing. no future, no friends. no job, no lover. what's the point? might as well be dead."

emmett's response: "then do it. go on. kill yourself. doing us all a favour. only don't be a man about it. be a queen."

Emmett: "feel free to scream or sing as loud as you want. because nobody. is. listening."

next scene, in court again (the same day)

judge: a child belongs with their natural parent.

hunter kisses his mom and she shows her real colours

next scene, brian and justin walking down liberty arm in arm <3 (at night)

before the "benefit" - justin drags him to woody's. if it's the same day it's a tuesday night

shanda lear singing "what I did for love"

justin leads into the bar

rodney, vic, deb and emmett are sitting at the same table, mel and lindsay are standing beside them and michael and ben and hunter are behind (lol hunter's at the bar hahahaha)

Lindsay is the one that does the honour and gives Brian the cheque (maybe because it's GLC and justin manipulated her to get her in)

Brian immediately knows Justin's behind it, and Justin just looks at him <3

the crowd around him is actually happy for brian too, not JUST his friends (some random guy in the background)

Brian can only meet Lindsay and Justin's eyes (and Justin's the longest), like, he keeps his eyes on Justin almost that whole time lol

but he hugs michael and lindsay,

shanda song: "there's gonna be a great night"

michael and hunter and ben leaving the bar with Lindsay and Mel; hunter joking about

then emmett, vic, rodney and deb leave, Deb: "I knew I'd live long enough to see gay marriage, but I never thought I'd live long enough to see Brian Kinney accept help. and say thank you!" vic: I thought I even saw a tear in his eye.

they're worried about emmett

Darren, Brian and Justin leaving

Justin: "Now you and half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in your bed tonight, knowing the loft is still yours." Brian's "half of gay pittsburgh can sleep in their own beds" is probably the sweetest thing we've actually heard him say.

darren is wakling just off liberty and gets bashed by two guys

[thatssorav3n]

TW // mentions of abuse, rape, manipulation, suicide / self harm

uhh i wrote this post breakup with a guy who i had a pretty shitty relationship with (physically / emotionally abusive, very gaslighty, controlling, raped me lol, etc)

for context, i was really dependent on him, we got together during the start of a super shitty time in my life (that’s still going :D) and i often noted him as like... the last real thing i was clinging on to and staying around for. i changed a lot of myself for him as a way to keep him satisfied (a lot of it was being more submissive/abide to what he wanted from me, this sort of damsel in distress who he could come save [use, control, fuck when he was bored, etc]) and then broke up with me when he decided i was too much to handle. so when we broke up, i jump skipped and hopped to attempt because i really didn’t feel like i knew who i was anymore, it failed, thankfully, and i ended up writing this a few months later:

———————————————————————————————————

Drop the dagger, Romeo.

“You can change me into whatever you want me to be, so who’s fault is it if you don’t like what you make of me? You get to watch who I once was fade, after all it’s in your image I’m made. He listened to my problems, can you really blame me for staying? Never gave me a hint of the price I’d end up paying. He took from me what he wanted, no matter what I said. He hit me, fucked me, used me, then left me there for dead.

You always said you loved me, until one day I became your reflection. We both know I was there just to aid a painful erection. Everything you did was “out of the goodness of your heart”, but somehow what I felt never ever played a part. I had a loyal heart but you broke and bruised and battered it. I became a mirror of you, so you took your hammer and shattered it. A broken mirror is said to be seven years bad luck, but can you show me a single time when you ever gave a fuck?

You linger like bad perfume, periodically occupying my thoughts. A great way to remember every battle with you I fought. I’ll curse your name forever, you made my body not feel like home, but it was out of spite that I said “just drop the dagger, Romeo”.”

———————————————————————————————————

this relationship happened in december of 2020 im doing fine, now like i said before, that shitty time still is kinda happening but in terms of my feelings toward what happened with him, for the most part, im pretty past it all now thankfully