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cl16clerc · 3 years ago

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I love you

John DeaconXReader

A/N: This is my first ever piece of writing on this page! Excuse if it needs room for improvement

Summary: reader and John are married with two boys. Reader had trouble trusting in the past but John promises to never hurt her. All makes reader doubt one Christmas morning though. (shitty summary lol but you get the jist)

Warnings: angst, mentions of previous heartbreak, swearing, mentions of sex, talk of depression and hints of suicidal thoughts (my DMs are always open for anyone who needs to talk <3)

You stood by the stream. It used to be a place of comfort. The noise of the water gliding away was comforting. It was a place of comfort because of him, he introduced it to you.

The wind picked up its pace and you held onto you jacket tightly.

“Merry Christmas, Y/N.” You told yourself sarcastically. It was, in fact, the least merriest of Christmases.

You thought about your two sons, Lucas and Michael, who were blissfully unaware of the future that had been altered for them by their father, by him. There was so much hate you felt for him.

They were staying at Freddie’s house, as he was more than happy to look after them after he found out what had happened. You sighed in relief that you at least had someone to turn to.

One hand clutching the dainty necklace you were wearing, memories flooded back. You closed your eyes, welcoming these thoughts.

“Why are you so afraid to love me?” John yelled, hands in his hair.

Tears brimmed both of your eyes as the frustration of the argument began to kick in. The same dainty necklace he’d gifted you was bouncing on your chest as you paced around the room in anger.

“John please! I’m not afraid! I just don’t want to carry on this with you!” You knew deep down you loved him more than anything, but you just couldn’t admit it. “Besides, it’s too quick to even know!”

A silence that you didn’t expect flooded the room. You just assumed he’d leave, walk out, like they’d always done in the past. But instead, he walked towards you, sitting on the sofa in front of you.

“It’s been four months, Y/N. There’s more to it, isn’t there?” He reached out to hold your hand but you pulled back.

“I know you a lot more than you’d like to admit, angel.” You couldn’t help but give into that feeling. The desire to have someone to love you and care for you.

You sighed deeply and allowed yourself to let go.

“I feel a lot, don’t we all? I’ve spend nights, barely able to breathe because the person I loved the most just left me. I was ripped away from the one thing I lived for. It was the worst feeling in my life. From then on to avoid all of that, I made sure that I didn’t get involved in all of that love again. John, since then I’ve never been on a proper date let alone been with someone for more than one night! It’s just difficult for me to trust.” You struggled to hold back the tears.

John leapt to his feet, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“Y/N I promise I would never do that. Just give me a chance. Please? I promise I’ll never ever hurt you. I love you so much.” He kissed your forehead.

“I love you too.” And you allowed yourself to do so.

Like a fool. You allowed yourself to love him.

The tears had finally reached you, pouring out and falling on your cheek and some even into the stream in front of you. You held onto the railing, bracing the impact of anxiety that hit you. The memories of this awful morning also started to come back, as you too let them flood your mind.

It was this morning you’d woken up without him by your side. No one there to kiss you on your forehead and wish you a Merry Christmas. You thought nothing of it though as you’d expected John to be downstairs, wrapping presents for your boys.

Just like a kid on Christmas, you got out of bed as quickly as possible. Eager to spend the special day with your family. You wrapped yourself in a fluffy bathrobe and put on your matching fluffy slippers.

Waking up on Christmas morning used to be such a bore, you had no partner or children and did your best to avoid friends as you knew the talk of their happy Christmases would only make you feel worse.

But now you could wake up, excited to spend the day with your family. You constantly thanked yourself for trusting John all these years.

As you made your way down the stairs, you were greeted by John, who was sat on a small stool in front of the presents drinking tea.

“Sorry, I forgot to make you a cup.” He said coldly, you assumed he was just tired.

“No bother, I’ll make one for myself now.” You smiled.

Walking over to him, you wished him a ‘Happy Christmas’ and went to kiss his cheek. However, he backed off slowly, purposefully avoiding your affection.

“Sorry, just tired, not really feeling it,” He looked up at your confused expression. “Merry Christmas.”

Still, this wasn’t enough to beat down your mood. Even though the ‘just tired’ thing had always meant something else. You hurried over the kitchen to boil the water and make another tea for John.

“You okay, Johnny?” You shouted from the kitchen.

“Perfectly fine.” He didn’t sound it.

The suspicion you had was caught off guard by your two boys racing down the stairs.

“It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas!” They chanted and you and John laughed.

“Yes it’s Christmas, now who wants to open their presents?”

You replayed that part of the day in your head again and again. Was their something you could have said to avoid the heartbreak that was yet to come? Probably not, but everyone thinks that they can change the bad things, don’t they?

It was a little bit later on in the morning when he asked to talk to you. The kids had opened their presents and just had breakfast and were now occupied with their toys, so they didn’t suspect anything as the two of you stepped outside. You were still in your slippers and bathrobe, shivering in the December breeze.

“Look Y/N, I’ve been thinking…” John started, but couldn’t bring himself to finish as he looked at the ground.

“I can’t do this anymore.” His words made you go blind. Your entire body dropped to the ground as you felt lower than ever.

“What?” You choked out.

“I can’t do this anymore. I think it’s all getting too much. It’s not that I don’t love you… it’s just-”

“It’s what, John?” You interrupted

“Y/N look it’s not about you, ok? That’s all I can say.” He cried.

Instead of freaking out about how to react, your mind went straight to your children.

“It has everything to do with me! If you’re going to divorce me you have to think about the consequences! What about the boys?” You tapped your foot in frustration.

“Split custody? I don’t know! But I can’t do this with you anymore and that’s final!” He sounded hurt, almost. Like some part of his words he didn’t mean.

You didn’t want to sympathise. But he was your husband. You had to work through it.

“Johnny come on, talk to me. I love you, we can work through anything.”

“I don’t love you, that’s the thing.” John said bluntly.

Once again your heart dropped. There was no way to process information like that. Where had this all come from? You’d put all of your trust into this man, all of your love. He promised you he’d do nothing other than support you and care for you.

“All those years ago, you swore that you’d never do this to me.” You hissed.

“Yeah well, times change, Y/N, you need to get real.” Those words were not ones you ever expected to be coming out of your husband’s mouth.

No, this can’t be him? It just didn’t make sense. It was so uncalled for, so random.

You two had to return to the house and act normal for the boys. In a way it felt like you had an excuse to still pretend that things were ok. John even held your hand for a bit. That hurt the most.

For the rest of the day, you were supposed to be at Freddie’s house with the rest of John’s band mates. Freddie, however, was your best friend, so you knew you had to tell him what had happened. As soon as you told him, it took a lot of convincing to make sure Freddie didn’t go and destroy John in that moment. He’d told you to go for a walk and clear your head whilst he’d speak to John.

And that’s how you’d ended up here, stood in front of the stream John had taken you to on one of your dates. The heart shaped necklace clutched in your hand was one that he’d given to you stood by this stream.

You opened it carefully. Inside was a photo of you and John, he was kissing your cheek. It took so much in you to not cry again, but the tears just seemed to flow.

“I’ll always love you, John.” You whispered to the necklace.

Closing it, you dangled it over the stream, contemplating whether or not you should let it go. You didn’t want to because a part of you still believed he’d come back. There was no way it could end so abruptly.

“I wouldn’t drop that if I were you.” His voice made you shudder.

You turned around to see your husband (or ex husband) stood with teary eyes, nose red and hair blowing in all directions.

“What do you want? Come here to tell me you’ve already met someone new?” You placed the necklace back in your pocket.

“Y/N please let me explain myself.” John’s voice was cold and lacked any sort of emotion.

“These past few months everything has gone down hill for me. I don’t know whether it’s the stress of touring or the band’s arguments, it’s just all I do know it’s not you or the children. I’ve been so lost and unhappy, Y/N. I love you dearly and believe me, this horrible side of me is never apparent when I’m with you because you make everything feel better. I don’t know why I even dared to say I didn’t love you anymore. I love you and will love you until it kills me. I’ve just been in such a bad place…” His voice broke as he struggled to look you in the eye “… I thought that separating myself from you and the boys would make it easier if I- if I ever did something bad to myself.”

His words made you want to collapse onto the floor and cry. You couldn’t believe the love of your life felt this way. It was heartbreaking.

You didn’t think twice before running to your husband, embracing him in a hug. He broke down in your arms.

“Johnny, please don’t leave me. Talk to me about these things okay? I swear to God we will work through whatever you’re feeling.” John just continued crying as he nodded in your arms.

“Come on, the boys will be waiting for us. Let’s not disappoint, it’s Christmas after all.” Your heart swelled as you realised just 15 minutes ago you never thought you’d be able to hug John again.

The pair of you walked hand in hand, up the bending paths that followed the stream. You’d steal the occasional kiss, acting like teenagers again.

“I’m sorry if I ruined your Christmas.” John mumbled.

“Don’t ever be sorry. I’m glad we can work through this.” You smiled.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too, John.”

“Did Fred talk to you?” You asked.

“No, I did see him pacing towards me with Brian and Roger on his shoulders. I ran out of the door screaming “I’m going to sort it” before they could do anything.” You bursted out laughing at John.

“You’re going to be in so much trouble when you get home.” You chuckled.

John stopped, turning around to face you.

“You know, I’m pretty sure we’ve shagged in that bush before.” He had a look in his eyes.

“Don’t even think about it, snowman. You’ve got so many layers on, by the time I can even see the top of your dick it’ll be dark.” You smiled, pinching his cheek.

As you two continued walking, you felt a sense of gratitude. Everything was perfect and how you wanted it to be in this very moment.

“So let’s say I’ve got less layers on tonight, maybe even none! Is the offer still on the table?” John asked like an eager teenager.

“Maybe Mr Deacon, let’s see if you behave.”

#deacy #john deacon #queen #john deacon x reader #queen x reader #deaky #freaky deaky #angst with a happy ending

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