#feeling really isolated from the communities i wanted to be a part of so desperately

[frostytherobot]

suddenly feeling like I’m not good enough and i don’t belong anywhere and the people in my life will eventually grow tired of me and my constant need for validation and deem me unworthy of their love despite all evidence that they love me and want me to be in their lives

[ethanhuntfemmefatale]

spent a bit of time today writing out some thoughts on ford as a character and thought it might be fun to put them here. I think ford is a really interesting commentary on heroism and his role in gravity falls is specific and pointed. theres a lot more i COULD get into (the way he and Stan act as foils for example) but here I just want to explore the fundamental ideas of his arc which includes parts of his dynamic with Bill Cipher and Dipper.

I really love the way gf combines the ideas of the lone hero/adventurer (a classic hero trope) with the ideas of the mad scientist (a classic villain trope) to reveal the way they're really based in similar lines of thinking and emotional pitfalls. Ford's isolation & paranoia, his tendency to put his own body on the line, his (relative) willingness to endanger others for his cause...it all points out a neat overlap between the guy who wears all black and carries a gun at his hip and the guy who WOULD inject himself with some kinda substance in the name of Science. I think that's part of why from what I've seen the fandom can be pretty conflicted on Ford--even on a basic design level, he evokes strong and conflicting feelings.

A key moment to me in establishing the ideas of Ford's arc happens at the very beginning of Weirdmageddon--a strange point to choose maybe since it's so late in the show, but I feel like those three episodes beautifully encapsulate Ford's failures and his development. After realizing what's happened, Dipper is desperate to find Mabel and make sure she's all right. Ford tells him, there's time to find her later--right now we have to stop Bill before the weirdness spreads. I love the way that the show presents throwaway moments like this: they're not questioned in the moment, but they stick out to you anyway because they run so counter to the philosophy of the show. Through the past 2 seasons, not only has the show proven that saving Mabel is more important than stopping Bill, it's also proven (and proves again after this) that saving Mabel is essential to stopping Bill. Evil isn't defeated by one guy being brave enough to shoot a gun at it, it's defeated by a community that works and fights together. And, hilariously, Ford is captured within the first 7 minutes of the episode, making everyone else's jobs way more difficult.

To be clear, it would be a complete misunderstanding of the character to say that Ford prioritizes stopping Bill first because he doesn't care enough about Mabel or her safety. It's precisely because he cares so much that he doesn't look for her right away. Ford has bought thoroughly into the lie that Bill fed him, which is that devastating personal sacrifice is not only right & good, but necessary in order to accomplish great things. As long as Ford believes that lie, he remains Bill's perfect prey—even with a metal plate in his head, even 30 years after the initial manipulation. Ford will easily give up sleep, food, friendship, family, sanity, and his own life, if he can be convinced he's doing it for the right reasons. And he's very easy to convince! Ironically, despite being arguably one of the most formidable characters in the show, he's also arguably the weakest and most gullible of the main cast, because he's so obsessed with the idea of giving up everything for something greater than himself.

That lie of the moral necessity of self-sacrifice, the lie that makes it possible for Ford to give up his brother, lock himself in his basement, be angry when he’s brought back home, and nearly destroy the world, is heavily in the offing through the Ford-Dipper plotline of Dipper and Mabel vs the Future. Ford offers Dipper apprenticeship and tells him that he’s capable of handling it—but it would require personal sacrifice, giving up his childhood with Mabel to join Ford in his self-imposed isolation. A test of Dipper’s aptitude for that kind of sacrifice occurs in that episode: Ford nearly dies, and orders Dipper to let it happen so that the rift is kept safe. Dipper doesn’t even think before disobeying him. He doesn’t seem to consider it a decision. There's no thought of the greater good when his uncle needs him.

Later, talking to Mabel about the idea of joining Ford as an apprentice, he says how ridiculous it is--sees it for a fantasy. The image of heroism Ford presents is appealing, but it's a lie.

For Gravity Falls, a show with two central protagonists, a show arguing over and over that the only way to change things for the better is to work with, trust, and care for your loved ones, Ford's position is an interesting one. I'd argue that thematically he stands in a more relevant antagonist position than Bill Cipher. He represents everything that the show is poised against. He's set up carefully as the epitome of Cool, with a masterful buildup to his entrance, badass styling, and hero worship from Dipper (the closest thing GF has to an audience insert.) And then, slowly and subtly, the show reveals how the lie of the lone hero has convinced him to hurt himself and everyone around him, nearly to the point of destruction.

I love him dearly. The best awful guy of all time

[slickchickchocolatier]

Mermaids Tale FINALE!

It's here! so a quick note before you start reading, this originally had alot more to it and was going to be split into three finale parts (and eventually i will revise and do that) but i'm on a time crunch because i have to start preparing for school and there's so much work to be done (all the one shots and ofc HHP and TO) so i'm trying to get everything finished before i take a break to focus on classes and not leaving my wonderful readers dry with ongoing works, not to mention some family trips coming up is also going to take away my time from writing. This chapter is still good and has all the meat and potatoes, just...i wanted it to be way longer and add more to it. But alas! here's to another end of a great series (i really do love this series) sorry it's not proofread (i really wanted to but again...time is not on my side atm) I gotta get ready for TO and finish these one shots!

Warnings: Okay, seriously, this piece has some very extreme non/dub con content, so please please please if that stuff makes you uncomfortable in any way, do not read. As you all may know, yandere's have many methods in emotionally/mentally detaining their darlings, and sometimes (usually the westernized and more modern yandere traits) show yanderes physically altering/maiming their darlings from escaping (such as cutting off limbs) but i opt for the traditional yanderes that don't have any intentions of seriously hurting their darlings (not in that way) but they are still crazy and violate some aspects of human rights, non/dub con is the method they normally resort to in 'taming' their darlings and this chapter has that (a bit more strongly than what i've written thus far) so please do not read if this makes you uncomfortable. There are also mentions of murder, isolation, and kidnapping (you know...traditional yandere stuff) but i promise, regardless of what is mentioned, this is a good read. Please enjoy.

The two Adams engrossed themselves into a stare down, leaving you at a blind sight behind Heeseung while he stood as the blockade between you and the unfamiliar Adam. Their manner in communication became evident that the two knew each other, but how? 

“Move aside, Heeseung.”

Heeseung didn’t move. He stood steadfast as his jaw clenched, he wasn’t going to let anyone come near what was his.

“I said move, boy! Or else—“

“Or else what?”

The man scoffed out a semi defeated breath. “Feeling brave? Or are we just putting on a show for the oceanic Angel?”

“She’s not yours. She never was.” Heeseung smirked out as he crossed his arms. You remained cornered, confused as you gazed on Heeseung’s backside while the other Adam looked over in your direction. His eyes were dark and rather desperate, desperate for you. Meanwhile, Heeseung remained composed and entirely too confident in his demeanor, what did he have up in his sleeve that would allow him to be so poised and relaxed when another Adam was vying for your ownership? You hated the thought of it but let’s be honest, that’s exactly what was happening before your own eyes. 

“Tell you what grandson—“

Grandson?

“Let’s make a deal; you leave now, and I’ll give the entire rights to the corporation in your name. From there, you can have electric men under your thumb to search and scour every part of the world and bring back all the Sirens you want. You can have them all. Just leave this one with me, everything else will be yours. Deal?”

Heeseung remained with an everlasting smirk presently ingrained on his youthful face. “A deal, huh?” He calmly starts out with, seemingly considering what his so-called grandfather was pitching. Was he actually going to toss you off to this man? Why can’t they just leave you alone? You’ve done no harm to anyone, all you wanted, more than anything on this world, was to be free and swim off into the ocean. The waters your ancestors were born in, just a few hundred feet out from the beach rental you seemed to be stuck in. 

“I don’t make deals. At least not anymore.” Heeseung’s tone grew wild with fury, his eyes darken and all lustful glaze disappeared as the matte black coloring took over, igniting a demonic appeal. 

“What is wrong with you?! Are you fucking insane?! Heeseung!” His grandfather spat out of rage, completely dissatisfied with Heeseung’s tone. 

“Yeah…I am.” Heeseung calmly denotes as his dark chuckle continues to grow into a crazed laughter. “I am so fucking insane, you have no idea! Ah fuck…” biting down on his lowe lip, he slurps in the bit of drool that leaks out; his appearance became too menacing for you to handle, so you shoved your face into the corner of the wall and cradled your sight from looking much longer at his face. The tone of his words weren’t very pleasing, despite covering your ears, you picked up everything he said. 

With his arms still crossed, he elevates his hand, spreading his fingers violently as he buries his face into the palm, dragging it downward. He looked like a madman, so sadistically frightening as one eye peels through his knuckles. “I’m soooooo insane…because of her…I’ve thought of things that have never crossed my mind before. Because of her…I am willing to use my capabilities, not to help others, but to protect her instead—to keep her…ravish her…love her and thrust into her until she tastes every inch of me…to the point where she will someday share my level of insanity.”

What is he saying? You couldn’t believe your ears, this man has gone completely mad! You panicked as your body trembles, it was almost as if you had to root for the lesser of two evils, but you weren’t entirely sure which one of them was it. Was Heeseung’s grandfather? The man who looked dull compared to his grandson, who stood laughing maniacally, oozing out words that distinguished great mental distress for you. 

“SHE…will be the only thing I live for…I’ll die for her, kill for her, I’ll skin the entire world alive just only for her…..what a fucking idiot you are, for ever thinking that a handful of Sirens weee ever worth trading her in. You could promise me an entire ocean filled with them and I still wouldn’t ever give her up…she’s nothing like the rest….she’s nothing like I ever seen…and she’s all mine.” 

Heeseung turns to face you, at that moment you started to hyperventilate. His gaze was all too much, and you couldn’t bear the thought of what he had in mind to do to you. “All…fucking…mine…from the moment we first touched…” he takes his steps closer, you panicked. “Get away! Stop!” 

His voice remains calm and tender as he continues to pierce your personal space. “From the moment we shared voices at that karaoke bar…”

“Stop!”

“And from the moment…I saw your face when—“

His words came to a pause, or rather, it was all replaced by a loud groan of anguish and pain. You looked up to see the other Adam, his grandfather, standing off to the side with the lamp post in hand. He had struck his own descendant, yet the expression of his actions quickly made you realize that he too, was afraid of the repercussions. He’s never seen his own relative like this, despite being an Adam himself, he never once became the way Heeseung had. It was enough for him to gain courage, and for once, gaining the intention to help release you rather than just keeping you for yourself. Sure, there was generations of instinctive nature between Adams and Sirens; the former being the most dominant and yearning of two, and while Sun Juan felt it within his heartbeat to keep and touch you, he was nowhere malicious enough to develop murderous habits as his own grandson spoke of. “Run…” he tells you. Shaking as he arms himself with the lamp post, while Heeseung stumbles towards the wall, gripping onto his head. “I said fucking run! Do you want him to catch you?!” 

His voice was urgent, sending shivers to your spine as you quickly got up and exited the rental. Running through the hall, you leave behind a scuffling scene with the sound of masculine groans and shattered glass. As far as you were concerned, the two could fight it off and take their time with it, this was your chance to run…run to the sea. 

You burst through the front door, and climbed down the wooden stairway, making a rounded turn as you ran outside the frontal perimeter of the beach house. You reach the back end, and there over yonder, you could hear just as clearly as you could see, was the raging water calling your name. You shuffle off your sneakers, and stripped off your blouse as you ran through the repeated mounds of sand. The sight of sea foam becomes clearer the closer you edge on to the shallow water. You could smell the salty air, the scene was exactly the way you remembered so long ago when you first visited…when you first found out what you really were. 

Almost there.

So close, the dampened sand squished in between your toes and you could feel that tingly sensation come through. The nerves in your legs become blazed with overwhelming heat and pressure, it was discomforting and painful, just the way you remembered. You lose balance, and your legs become numb and weak; the denim of your jeans shred and tear as the dazzling scales reappear. After so many years, for the first time since your 15th year, you were  changing back into the maiden of the sea. The remnants of your attire shred to pieces, and you discard what was left until nothing clothed you. Unable to walk, you edged closer to the deeper end as you used your upper body strength, and dig your fingers in the sand as you crawled towards the roaring waves, dragging your mermaid tail behind. Your fingers feel the smooth and flourishing rush of water feeding under your palms, easing your migration to the deep end. The image of your mother appears before your eyes. 

Mama…I’m coming…I’m coming to find you.

……………….

“Gotcha!”

You screamed as you felt the sudden tug on your tail. A strong grip punches your scales as the weight climbes up towards your hips, waist, and rests around your shoulders. “Aaaaaah!!!! Stop!!! Let me go!!! Get off!! You can’t do this to me!!! Let me go!”

You feel yourself being lifted from the sandy shoreline, carried princess style as you are left helpless and immobile. The tipped edge of your tail fin drags against dry sand, indicating that you were being taken farther and farther away from the ocean front. You could feel the sensation of your nerves coming back to you as the scales on your bottom region start to dry up, telling you that you were soon changing back to your normal state. With pitiful sobs, you each across his broadened chest as he cradles you forcefully in his arms. You loop one arm around his shoulder while your free hand reaches out and grabs the air while the view of the shore slowly disappears. 

“Please…..please let me go…let me go home….”

………………….

A year had nearly passed since the event of Heeseung’s duel with his grandfather, who had been dead since that night. You never inquired about how it all went down, after you rushed out of the house, all you knew was that the harrowing events from being taken from the sea, you learned that Heeseung had made special preparations in not only taking over his grandfather’s legacy, which included his entire corporation, but to eradicate all those closest to him. His great-grandfather, as you later learned.

You never met his brothers, since they too were Adams, Heeseung had taken precautionary measures to send them on assignments overseas once he manipulated the legal documents to have everything assigned under his name. His father, brothers, and the rest of the males that shared the same bloodline, all sent and kept far away from you. No one…was allowed to look, to touch, or to even dream of you. 

……

“You’re all mine…now say it.”

As his words echo throughout your brain, you fall down in memory lane and recall the image of what you saw in the mirror that very night, after Heeseung dragged you away from the ocean waters, past the corpse of his mangled grandfather, and right into the shower.

That night…..

……………

“Please let me go! Let me go! You can’t do this!”

You grab onto whatever your fingers grazed as Heeseung carried you back inside the beach rental. The view of blood splatter on the walls told you of a brutal fight, one that ended with the elder Adam laying breathlessly on the floor. The sight of it all caused you to panic and about once more. “Let me go! I don’t want this! Let me go, I want to be free!” 

By the time he enclosed you both in the shower room, your tail dried out, leaving you entirely nude as your legs returned. You cover yourself as you crawl against the sink cabinet, covered in semi-dried sand with your hair sticking to skin. You cry as you hear the latch of the door is set to lock, with Heeseung blocking it. He doesn’t say anything, at least not immediately. He looks over his shoulder and walks over to the elaborate stand in shower, surrounded by the glass wall. He turns the faucet and sets the water just at the right temperature; the screeching of the faucet dial causes you to look over, and to your horror you watch as Heeseung removes his own blouse, leaving only his wet jeans to remain as he flexes his abdominal muscles. 

Once again, you hyperventilate as you dread what he was about to do. “No please….please…please don’t do this.”

He ignores your please and didn’t even bother to look your way, instead, he places his hand under the sprinkled rain drops under the shower head, savoring the warm temperature. “Come here darling…let’s get all that sand off you.” 

You tucked your face away against the wooden cabinet door, when you hear his foot steps grow closer, followed by his harsh grip around your nude body. Still too weak from the transformation, you couldn’t stand let alone walk or run. You sobbed against his bare shoulder as you felt him lift and carry you over to the glass box. He sets you down on the tiled floor, recognizing that you were unable to flee. It only made this easier for him. 

You lay mercilessly on the floor as the water washes over your body, your hair pooling around you gracefully. The sound of his zipper drawing downward, while the buckling of his belt loosens made you wince in fear as the weight of damp denim plops down on the floor became the icing on the cake. 

“Please…” 

Again, he ignores your pleas. You feel yourself being lifted from the tile floor and pressed against the glass, chest forward with his body plastered to your backside. You felt the warm droplets coating your skin, and his warm hands roaming every inch of your nude frame. He tenderly moves the wet pieces of your hair away from your neck, and latches his mouth on. Indulging the savoring sweetness of water and your own skin, he remains glued to you, all the while his hands continue to rub your waist and hips. He takes the girth of his shaft in hand, and begins stroking it as it pokes your derrière, causing you to cry hysterically as you felt the motions of his palm moving up and down. Releasing your neck, he finally decides to speak.

“How do I even begin to tell you…how often I’ve thought about you like this?” He breathes out heavily as he buries his face against the nook of your neck, taking your breath away as the sensation of his lashes, the tip of his nose, and his pursed lips pressed against your skin…it felt so…

“I’ve only known you for such a short amount of time…yet you had such an effect on me…you became the only thing I could think about…breathe in…and spit out.” He over exaggerates an inhale as he sniffs your skin, dragging his nose tip along your neckline, right up to your jaw, all the while he continues to stroke his lengthy member as it remains pressed against the plumpness of your rear end. “How do I tell you?….how?”

Your cries soften, maybe it was the way his tender words came out; so soft and calm through that deep and sensual voice of his. Perhaps it was the way he was touching you, a sensation you only felt with him, despite your reluctance, yet it felt like a blessing to your curse. No man could make you feel, make you realize or yearn, just his. To  feel skin…to feel warmth of someone else’s body, or the shrilled coldness of their hands. To feel their lips as they adorn you with kisses, or the feeling of their breaths coating your ear when they whisper into it. To feel all of this for the first time, from not feeling pain, pleasure, or touch, to feeling it all at once it was…it was…

“I-I don’t know..I don’t know how…” you whimpered out as you find yourself submissively falling for his touch. “Please….don’t…” you beg one last time, giving it your last shot to stand strong, yet the soft desiring tone of your voice made it obvious—you already lost. 

“Come here baby, let me show you.”  He whispers from the side of your cheek, before he tilts you to look over shoulder and kisses you. The thick and lengthy muscle migrates from your rounded cheeks and probes through your thighs. Devouring you into a fierce kiss of hunger, you feel the rounded, bulbous tip of his cock breaching your entrance. You gasp out of the striking sting of pain as he pushes…more…and more. Finally, the tip breaks through and enters. With just the tip inside, the right sensation of your walls squeezing the life out of his head was already overwhelming and sensational. So much, that he had to pause and take a moment to gasp out his oncoming climax. “Fuck…” he breathes out heavily, all the while you remain in his right grasp wincing and trembling in pain. “You feel better than I imagined…how am I going to fuck you properly when you feel this good?”

“D-don’t…dont…” you gasp out as the pressure cause you to become incoherent. 

“Hm? Tell me how.” He antagonizes, finding his motivation and senses coming back as he hears your helpless and whimpering pleas. It all fueled him to get more out of you. “Tell me how baby…” 

He begins thrusting the remaining length of his shaft inward. He had intentions of starting slow and gentle, considering you never once felt the touch of someone’s fingers let alone tasting cock for the first time, but he couldn’t contain himself anymore. The screams of your beautiful voice bouncing off the tiles as he thrusted the leaked pre-cum to glaze your walls made it all too much for him to take things slow. No, he had to go in hard, deep, and fast…he needed to fuck you. It was in his nature, he needed to breed with you, dip deep into your belly where he was going to release his entire lust and create the product of his love for you. 

For you, the sensation started out too conflicting. Initially, you were disgusted and angered by the fact that the man had restrained and forced you into this, yet the feeling of touch…something your cursed lineage prevented you from indulging, was starting to make you feel differently about him. The feeling of touch, skin on skin contact was already something you hadn’t gotten used to, but to feel it from the inside…to feel his own extremity pulsate, throb, and twitch inside your womanhood as the faint remnants of first blood dripped down into the drain. The sting of pain and discomfort fades, and you feel a tingle knot formulate. There was an intense pressure in between the folds of your cavity, something that was only satisfied as he took each thrust and pelted you with his violating member. It felt glorious, of all the sensations you could feel for the first time, this was something that, now you’ve experienced it, couldn’t live without. No matter how rough, dementing, and crazy he was, you couldn’t help but yearn more for his touch, his licks, and those devouring kisses. He leans in, pressing your breasts and palms agains the glass wall, and there before you was the large mirror hovering above the sink. It displayed the reflected image of your united silhouettes behind the steamed glass; his shadow showing the motions of what he was doing from behind, as he thrusted and held onto you tightly. The nipples of your breasts and prints of your fingers were the only thing that could be made out clearly as they smudge and smear the glass, succumbing to the bouncing motions of his sickening pumps of cocking you. 

You weren’t sure how you felt about the reflection, normally, you would have cried and shuttered your sight away from it, but the longer you admired it, the more it caused you to feel….strange…almost funny….like you wanted to watch…you wanted to see more…you wanted him to do more…it was an internal feeling you’ve never felt in your life, yet here it was overcoming your better senses. You found that, in this moment, nothing mattered to you anymore. You didn’t care about preserving your pureness, about escaping, about your freedom…you didn’t care. Perhaps you’ll regret saying that after he’s had his fille with you, but for now, all you could think about, was…

“Ah! Oh….oh God!”

“Yeah?” he pants vigorously as he hastens his thrusting motions. “You like how that feels baby?”

“Mmmmm……y-yes…p-please!” 

“Please what?” 

“Please….m-more…more! Please….do more….please don’t stop…whatever it is you’re doing….d-don’t….stop….dont ever stop…” 

He buries his nose into your neck and kisses you with the most tenderness since having you in his grasp.The way you breathed out, with your voice echoing in his ear, begging for him to merge with you forever…it was all he wanted. It’s all he needed. It was all he lived for.

You dont know how it was possible, but he quickens his thrusts yet again, the sound of skin on skin slapping rigorously, with splats of water droplets flying all around as he continued to fuck the leakage of his essence inside you under the rainfall shower head was something you never knew you’d cherished and desired. 

He goes faster…deeper….harder. “Oh fuck.”

“P-please!” faster..

“Shit…y/n…” deeper…

“Oh my God what is happening!!” you scream as you feel a rage of nerve pinching pleasure that causes you to slide against the glass. In fact, had it not been for his hold on you, you would have fallen long before when he first started pelting you with his length. You jolt upwards, yet his grip ceases you from leaping too far; he wasn’t ready to take it out, not yet. “Shh…take it baby… just like that.” 

You whimper out climatic moans as your toes curl against the hard tile. What was this feeling? What just happened? What was this heated warmth that leaked out of you? This sensation? What was it that you felt filling your gut? 

Your breasts squeak against the glass as you slide all the way down, He barely has the strength to hold your waist, shaking at the knees while he releases inside your walls. His groans calm to a deep whimper as he breathes against the back of your neck. He finally did it. He finally became one with the love of his life. 

……………………

You snap out of the memory as you hear him enter the bedroom. He comes in quietly, giving you an adorn gaze as he removes his blouse and tosses it over the lavish seating chair. He reaches up, and unties his black tie, lids growing heavy as he looks with an endearing expression. It was a look that triggered another memory, one that occurred some time after he took your virginity and made you feel touched in a way that you never knew existed…

………..

“Crying again? It’s been months now, do you plan to cry forever?” 

“Please…I just….I just want to be free again….why does it have to be this way?”

“I told you darling, you can be free from the chains when you learn to behave.”

“But….I…I dont….I can’t….Heeseung please….”

“Come on, remember all the times that I made you feel good? You like it when I do that, dont you?”

“Stop! Please, I dont want that right now. I want to be free. I want my old life back.”

“Baby…i told you. You belong to me…you are all that i’ve got…and I’m all that you have.” 

You remember how his words cut you deep, causing you to cry not because of fear, but because of the truth behind them. He was right…so right. 

“You lived your entire life with multiple identities to keep your lineage a secret. To protect your parents, siblings, and yourself. By doing so, you cut ties with your brothers, your father passed on, and your mother is lost at sea….you have no one, darling. Just me. And you truly love me, you just don’t realize it yet, which is why you have to stay locked up for a while.”

He rubs your hair in between his fingers, slowly raising it to his nose as he gently inhales the scent. He rubbed the smoothness of your strands against his cheek, indulging you, as always, giving you the same look…that he was giving you right now. Except now…there were no chains…no locks…no barred windows and concrete walls. There were no steel doors and sound proof glass. Now, you were a doll living in a life of silk and chiffon, dazzled by this man’s affection. You were always under his watchful eye, and forever entrusted by his top guards whenever he wasn’t present. You were his…all his. After a year of emotional and mental torment, you gave up and realized that, not only was he right about having only him, but he was the perfect match for you. An Adam…with the gift of longevity and supernatural abilities in the water, which only meant that whether it be land or sea, you were never far from his reach. He would always find you, and bring you back. You’ll never know what became of your mother, if she was still roaming the sea for you and her ancestors, and you’ll never know how your brothers are doing, because the world is no longer yours. You were a pearl trapped inside a shell, forever protected deep inside a sea of warmth and comfort, his comfort. Leaning against you, he pulls your backside against his chest and embraces you, as he does every night. Kissing your neck, he chuckles as he breathes over your ear. Faintly pointing over towards the opened cracked window, with the curtain dancing against the breeze, he whispers…

“Can you hear the ocean, my darling Siren?” 

Perm Taglist:

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[ineffably-human]

It honest to God took me a month to rewatch the last two episodes of this season of Shadows, because I'm still so mad about how they handled Guillermo's decision. And I'm probably going to always be mad. I think this season wasted a lot of time that could have been spent laying better groundwork, for both Guillermo's decision and for Nadja and the Guide's subplot.

But something did click into place for me in that very last scene, where Derek's being ushered down by Topher to meet the other zombies. Season Three was unofficially about power and protection. Season Four was officially about change. I thought this season was going to be about secrets. But it's actually about belonging to a community.

The vampires were out in the world a lot more this season. Colin runs for public office (passing among humans as he can), which drags him into the interests of the community of energy vampires. Nadja connects to a community from her homeland, and winds up caring about them more than she ever expected. Laszlo's mostly focused on the experiments, but his natural ease with Sean (and humans in general) is on display a few times - and when the vampires think he's in distress, they throw a whole party to rally him. The Guide, of course, struggles the whole season with feeling like an outsider who can't be part of the group she cares for.

Sean links the vampires to the pride parade, not just celebrating the queer community, but making the vampires the face of queerness, of immigration, of Staten Island itself. (And Guillermo gets his first taste of Pride, and of a community he'd never been able to claim until recently.) At the same time, it's shown that vampires always feel like they're a step away from being found out by humans, of their surrounding community turning on them and forcing them out.

Nandor struggles throughout the season with social awkwardness, communicating, being misunderstood; he fails to connect with strangers without hypnosis guiding the conversation the way he wants it to go. But the other vampires have become his home, in a way that's evolved past their relationship during Season Three. He rallies them successfully during Local News. He and Colin Robinson look out for each other. Keeping Guillermo's secret is just as much about protecting Nandor as it is protecting Guillermo.

(It's still Guillermo he's always calling out for, though. With the certainty of someone who already knows where home is, he just hasn't named it yet.)

And as always, Guillermo is stuck in between two worlds. He can't connect fully with his bio family, but can't truly step away from them. He wants to be a vampire, but his transformation fights him and he can't see humans as prey. He wants to come when Nandor calls, but can't tell him about the biggest thing that's happening to him.

By the finale he feels more isolated from the vampires than ever, to the point that he can't see what's actually happening: by the time they all know his secret, the others have rallied around him, and are seeing him as another member of the family in need of protecting.

And once Nandor realizes that he cares more about losing Guillermo than his own pride, he deliberately brings that community to Guillermo: he introduces Guillermo as the fifth of their household, and throws him a birthday party to bookend the one at the start of the season. He makes Guillermo a ceremony, invites everyone they know, and asks if he's willing to become one of them forever.

And it's not that Guillermo doesn't want to be a vampire. He does, desperately. It's that he can't stop also being a human.

So instead it's Derek (a vampire basically living as a human, and deeply lonely for it) who is ushered into a new community ready to welcome him, something Guillermo has always been hoping for.

("Do you like eating human flesh? Heh, you will!")

Guillermo still doesn't have The Thing he wants, not really. He still has to name exactly what it is. But Nandor helped guide him towards where home is. And Laszlo helped him pick up the pieces. The vampires don't love Guillermo like a fellow vampire, but they love him like Guillermo, and like with Colin last year that doesn't just reset. It can't. The roots are in too deep, it's already bound everyone stronger.

We'll just have to wait to see what it turns into.

[intheholler]

hi i just found your blog and its making me very emo 😭 i grew up in appalachia (the shenandoah valley in VA near the WV border) but had to move away several years ago to central VA, and then even further away last year to the rural midwest. i've been really strongly missing appalachia for the past year, but esp so these past couple months.

i miss the people and community, the spoonbread or chicken and dumplings my mom used to make me when i was sick, the mountains surrounding you on every side, being off in the woods with no one around, picking wild blackberries with my best friend, speeding around twisty roads blasting music with all the windows down, picking and eating the wild honeysuckle growing along my back fence, all the bluegrass and folk music, hearing people's accents, the pennsylvania smartweed that would grow under my porch, looking up at the night sky at night and being able to see the entire milky way, the crick i would cross when i walked to school, etc etc etc.

i think the thing i miss the most is the lgbt community. yeah we were small and there was a lot of lgbtphobia, but we were really closeknit, and i was involved w a lot of lgbt activism in my area. city and suburbanite gays just all have such vastly different experiences than me and everyone i grew up with, i always just end up feeling really isolated around them.

also i don't think people not from appalachia understand just how connected to the land we are. its not just about "oh i like hiking" or "i think the mountains are pretty" or something like that. the land is a part of me and i'm a part of it. we're tied to eachother. and that's not even getting into the communal aspect of being appalachian.

i desperately want to move back to appalachia, but i probably won't be able to for at least 4 or 5 years and it makes me really depressed. being away feels like part of my soul is missing. however i don't think i'll be able to move back to the exact area that i'm from, both bc i'm jewish and have gotten more involved w that since growing up and wanna live in an area w at least a small jewish community, and bc my hometown is almost unrecognizable now from all of the people moving in from northern VA and building fancy sitdown restraunts and shit on main street. i remember before we even had a walmart or a target and had to drive to the closest city 45mins away if we needed to get anything more than basic groceries.

anyways this is really long and rambly, but i just wanted to say it was really nice to see someone talking about appalachia and posting pictures of it, it made me feel less alone 💛

.

[yuurivoice]

since you love to write, does your job ever feel like actual work? Kinda like that saying “if you love your job, you’ll never work a day of your life.” Kinda question.

also, how much free time do you normally have?

It felt like actual work from pretty early on. The moment I crossed over from doing it for funsies to sometimes taking commissions I didn't really feel strongly about for money, it was work.

I've had to drag my ass into the booth and record on days when I couldn't even take care of my basic needs because of ADHD struggles, and that sure felt like work.

I've had to write like absolute dogshit and just accept it because I had deadlines and people waiting on me. That felt like work.

I've had to spend hours breaking down different shots needed for visual projects, like a caveman painting on a wall for a renaissance artist to reference. That definitely felt like work.

I've had to deal with community moderation, personal betrayals of trust, harassment, goddamn pr crises, tax nightmares, and shipping hundreds of orders by hand. That was work.

That old cliche of if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life is a crock of shit. But all of that being said, even though it is work, and even though it can be really difficult sometimes?

Wouldn't trade it for the world. There is no other calling for me, my heart is not satisfied if I am not telling stories, and for some reason the universe decided that this was the path forward. I didn't plan on it. I never loved voice acting, but I learned to. I wish there was less bullshit over the years that robbed me of my joy. I wish I wasn't fighting my brain for so much of the time I've been doing this.

But the good will always outweigh the bad.

It's a dream fulfilled. I never needed or wanted to be some sort of massive sensation, or have broad renown or appeal. I didn't need to become a best selling author, or create a hit video game, or do anything like that. I am happy that I've found even a small group of people who love to get lost in my worlds, or spend time with my characters, or hear them get railed in pumpkin patches.

I get to experience the magic of creating something I didn't know was within me. Again and again. Projects like BitterSweet, Shattered, and Echoes of Evalas are precious to me because of the wondrous feeling creating those stories gives me. They could all flop, and I'd do it anyway.

I was creating art when no one was ever there to listen or watch. In that regard, it's never been work. It is a function of my existence. I was made, raised, and shaped to tell stories. It's the one thing I can do. At a table of friends, an audience of hundreds, or on long drives by myself. It's like breathing. It just happens.

Being able to call it work is a privilege. I'm thrilled that I've got the chance to work. I'm happy that I even have the opportunity to have days where I have to push myself. Because it has given me more than I've ever thought it could. I was on food stamps living with family under constant threat of getting kicked out. I was lonely, isolated, and scared of the world. I was considered lazy.

Finding my lane, getting traction, and thriving was something I considered out of reach. I was ready to tap out and accept that I just wasn't quite right for life. Like maybe I just didn't have all the right parts. I was okay with it, even. I was tired.

So yeah. It's work. But I spent a long time desperate to find work I was suited for, and with a lot of recent life changes I've removed many of those points of friction that would make it tough to work. So I'm thrilled.

And that, my friends, is what happens when you ask a professional yapper if they love yapping. 😂

As for free time, it's hard to say. So much of what I do being my own boss and shit, plus creative stuff just constantly churning in my brain, I struggle to clearly define what is and is not "free time". I basically have to be on call. At any given moment something might need my attention, or creativity comes knocking. It's hard to completely disconnect.

I've done a good job of getting into the office about four times a week. That has helped me find some sort of balance, but even recent writing I've done was on my laptop at my little breakfast nook having coffee.

I think the big thing is, I can create my free time whenever I need or want to.

Anywho, this is why you don't open Tumblr when you wake up to pee in the middle of the night because then you spent 30 minutes staring at your phone writing a whole ass essay. I'm gonna go get out of bed and make something awesome now. 💖

[batmanego]

Talk about Jason and Barbara next

THE SCRAPING AND THE AGONY AND LET THE BLOOD RAIN FALL

i think barbara probably has a somewhat similar relationship to jason as the one dick has to him, except that i think jason likes her more than he likes dick #SORRYDICK. barbara hates watching jason do this to himself but she also respects herself enough to not push him in the same ways dick does, because she knows doing so will only serve to make jason angry with her and with himself and push him back into isolation. it’s a veeeeeery tenuous peace, sustained mostly by barbara’s historically keen ability to read jason (“you’re keyed into his emotions” “that’s because he’s emotional” etc etc). i do think she does occasionally push against his ideas too hard and he does snap and lash out at here, but those instances are far and few between when compared to dick and jason’s ebb and flow, push and pull. also, she doesn’t LIKE the attempted child murder, and probably is/was really mad about it, but damian was not her brotherson so it’s slightly different there.

fundamentally i think barbara, like the other people in jason’s life, wants something from jason that he is unwilling to give, and that will always create a divide between them (not that it’s barbara’s fault. jason built the cage and burnt his bridges himself, and is actively choosing not to leave the cage and to turn away help when it’s offered). barbara also is sort of trapped in some sort of Guilt Nexus as a result of the fact that she pointed out jasons emotional problems to bruce and thus holds herself responsible (in part) for what happened to him — maybe if she had been stronger/smarter/firmer/a better role model/etc, this all could have been avoided (though i don’t think she’s quite at the bruce wayne levels of self pity where she starts blaming herself for jasons actions — mostly just for the fact that he died in the first place)

jason appreciates having someone who knows when to not push the issue, but i do think that barbara’s unwillingness to engage in outright hostility with him most of the time grates on him and makes him feel like he’s being talked down to. he also HAAAAAATEEEEEESSSSSSSSS her Creepy Watcher nature (much like he hates bruce’s) and as a result i think the face to face communication they have is fairly limited — he’s too paranoid about her planting bugs or gleaning too much information about his life. but she is his favorite and he likes her a lot both as a person and as a… pseudo-sister figure..? she has enough distance from batman that she is (mostly) safe in his eyes (and he gets a kick out of ragging on bruce with her when he’s in that mindset), and also the two of them have enough history from when he was a kid that she is a familiar and comforting presence when he’s really desperate. i wouldn’t say the two of them are close, because i think jason has made “getting close” with him a virtual impossibility for his family/family friends (And this is good for him. Trust.Its working out really well), but shes definitely up there. i would say she and duke are probably the people he’s closest to that are batman-adjacent.

[ilynpilled]

These two characters are usually not in the same conversation because they are pretty isolated from each other’s stories, but I talked to one of my Dany mutuals about this and there is one thing in particular that I desperately want to see happen down the line. The duality of fire is such an integral part of this series: its function as a representation of passion, emancipation, and light along with destruction, corruption and death. I think it is supposed to speak to the multifaceted nature of power in general. Jaime’s relationship with fire (wildfire in specific, the most corrupted version of it) is pretty singular, especially among PoVs, because of his trauma. He associates it with Aerys, and then later Cersei. To him, it means destruction, corruption, and death. It represents the epitome of the abuse of power. So what I would find very poignant is the redefinition of it for him in particular during The Long Night.

I am very convinced Jaime will be present: George spending time on him training again as a competent fighter feels like something with a function beyond a LSH confrontation, the whole Oathkeeper and Widow’s Wail thing for JB, and trauma being packaged deliberately with TLN imagery: “In his dreams the dead came burning, gowned in swirling green flames. Jaime danced around them with a golden sword, but for every one he struck down two more arose to take his place.” Then the prophetic weirwood dream in general: “The shades dismounted from their ghostly horses. When they drew their longswords, it made not a sound. ” “They were armored all in snow, it seemed to him, and ribbons of mist swirled back from their shoulders. ”

His trauma is so focused on the fact that Dany’s father used something of such great power for something so deeply evil and destructive: “Jaime saw green flames reaching up into the sky higher than the tallest towers, as burning men screamed in the streets. I have dreamed this dream before.” For us to see the daughter of that man use it for the exact opposite, to repel death, through his eyes at some point would be one of the best ways to communicate and really drive home that duality that permeates this series regarding fire. It is not just fire that is being redefined, but power in general: who wields it and how.

Not to mention Jaime’s relationship with Rhaegar. Deep inside of Jaime’s mind Rhaegar was the “good king that never was”, something he still clings onto despite how much he represses the idealist romantic boy he used to be:

Rhaegar had put his hand on Jaime's shoulder. "When this battle's done I mean to call a council. Changes will be made. I meant to do it long ago, but . . . well, it does no good to speak of roads not taken. We shall talk when I return." Those were the last words Rhaegar Targaryen ever spoke to him.

On the morning after the battle, the crows had feasted on victors and vanquished alike, as once they had feasted on Rhaegar Targaryen after the Trident. How much can a crown be worth, when a crow can dine upon a king?

He rues Robert, and aspects of Barristan’s character’s commentary of who you represent and choose to serve are more subtly present in his story too.

Jaime snorted. "It's not Aerys I rue, it's Robert. 'I hear they've named you Kingslayer,' he said to me at his coronation feast. 'Just don't think to make it a habit.' And he laughed. Why is it that no one names Robert oathbreaker? He tore the realm apart, yet I am the one with shit for honor." "Robert did all he did for love." […] “Robert did all he did for pride, a cunt, and a pretty face." He made a fist . . . or would have, if he'd had a hand. Pain lanced up his arm, cruel as laughter. "He rode to save the realm," she insisted. To save the realm. "Did you know that my brother set the Blackwater Rush afire? Wildfire will burn on water. Aerys would have bathed in it if he'd dared. The Targaryens were all mad for fire."

And because he deserved to die. "I have made kings and unmade them. Sansa Stark is my last chance for honor."

Dany is destined to succeed in the places that Rhaegar was doomed to fail, they have a plethora of parallels, so her reawakening that hope in Jaime in some form too would be something I would love to see actually.

Jaime is one of the characters that does have a very emphasized relationship with Rhaegar and his children. The guilt is very present, other than the reevaluation of his father, it might also be building to something concerning Rhaegar’s legacy: be it Jon, Dany, or even FAegon. He also has guilt regarding Dany’s mother:

And dragons, lurking down below. He remembered the sullen orange glow of the coals in the iron dragon's mouth. The brazier warmed a chamber at the bottom of a shaft where half a dozen tunnels met. On the floor he'd found a scuffed mosaic of the three-headed dragon of House Targaryen done in tiles of black and red. I know you, Kingslayer, the beast seemed to be saying. I have been here all the time, waiting for you to come to me. And it seemed to Jaime that he knew that voice, the iron tones that had once belonged to Rhaegar, Prince of Dragonstone.

"You're hurting me," they had heard Rhaella cry through the oaken door. "You're hurting me." In some queer way, that had been worse than Lord Chelsted's screaming. "We are sworn to protect her as well," Jaime had finally been driven to say. "We are," Darry allowed, "but not from him.”

Prince Rhaegar burned with a cold light, now white, now red, now dark. "I left my wife and children in your hands." "I never thought he'd hurt them." Jaime's sword was burning less brightly now. "I was with the king . . ."

For an instant, the deep red clouds that crowned the western hills reminded him of Rhaegar's children, all wrapped up in crimson cloaks.

Dany is one of the most raw representations of hope in this story, so I would love for that to be a through line with multiple PoV characters she interacts with. She is the fire in the title. Not to mention that fire is already associated with life, light against darkness, very directly in Jaime’s prophetic weirwood dream:

Brienne’s sword took flame as well, burning silvery blue. The darkness retreated a little more.

The fires that ran along the blade were guttering out, and Jaime remembered what Cersei had said.

“the flames will burn so long as you live” “when they die so must you”.

[merrivia]

hi, do u know why some ppl in the fandom think laurent and damens first time was r*pe? i get that damianos was selfish but i just can’t see it as *that*

I went back to read chapter 19 of Captive Prince just to make sure of my stance on the chapter. I honestly can’t tell you exactly why people think that, but I have my theories.

If you were going to superficially read this scene in that way, I would have thought people would question the master/slave dynamic Laurent has over Damen, more than the other way round.

It could very well seem like it’s Laurent who pushes Damen into it to begin with:

Damen says “I-don’t-“ and Laurent speaks for him. Laurent acts as if Damen is a slave and has no choice.

Now, to be clear, Laurent doesn’t rape Damen either. But if you read this bit in isolation, you might get concerned about consent. That’s why it’s important to read the chapter in its entirety (syncing it up with the bonus chapter 19 and a half) and making sure you contextualise it within the wider plot of the novel. They’re both still pretending in this scene, and that pretence is what allows them license to sleep with each other. Enemy princes, one of whom killed the other’s brother, cannot lie together. But a Prince can lie with his bed slave. So they both keep up this pretence to be able to have this.

Look at the pain it causes Damen, who is someone who is aching desperately for physical intimacy with Laurent, to try and clear his head and stop. It saddens him so much that Laurent might be trying to reward him with sex:

Pacat had difficult choices to make in this scene. She wanted it to be almost unbearably private and intimate. It needed to stay true to the characters and their arcs and the world she had created. Sex isn’t always an easy cheerful tumble as Damen has experienced it to be. This is intensely personal as it’s also about two people falling in love, and who in this moment cannot see a way as to how they could possibly be together.

The scene progresses in such a way which shows the two communicating- as much as one can, when one is lying about his identity, and the other is feigning ignorance. When one is sexually liberated and experienced and the other, hugely traumatised and repressed. In a novel whose invented world is modelled on societies from centuries ago.

Damen stops and checks for what Laurent wants:

Damen literally asks Laurent to tell him his own pleasure, because he wouldn’t just roll him over and mount i.e he literally would never rape him.

He lets Laurent control what he wants at numerous points, such as kissing and double checks that he’s okay with actual penetrative sex:

I really don’t know what person imagines that Laurent, a victim of sexual abuse, who as a consequence was probably unable to feel any kind of sexual feeling in himself until Damen and might even be enormously terrified of sex, could just casually open up verbally about what he wants. Pacat makes it clear multiple times that Laurent gets turned on by Damen and has no idea how to deal with that vulnerability, when sex is tangled up in his mind with all that happened to him.

Damen literally double and triple checks as to what Laurent once and Laurent directly asks him for sex:

I just can’t see where people are getting this idea from.

I have also read that Damen ‘fantasises about Laurent as a slave’ as part of this but…he doesn’t.

In CP he acknowledges Laurent would fetch a fortune at a slave auction, which is a material reality in his culture.

Later in KR, he wishes Laurent’s body didn’t have to be extensively prepared each time and was more like a slave or a pet, because they have no oil as lubricant (he smashes an oil lamp to solve the issue). In PG he thinks about the fact that if he turned Laurent over to the nearest Akielon army, it would lead to Laurent being given not to Nikamdros but to him. However there is no elaboration at all on what that may entail. It’s very much a hmm that would change our power dynamic, and I actually think Damen is a little turned on by the thought that Laurent could be in that role but its made very clear in the text that Damen is not a rapist.

In this scene in particular, Damen sees his first time with Laurent as incredibly meaningful:

A moment he wishes to be “worthy of”. It’s an expression of love not violence.

So why do people think this then?

Damen doesn’t pick up on Laurent’s psychological state because he doesn’t know that Laurent knows he is Damianos the man who killed Auguste. He is being selfish by sleeping with him and taking what Laurent is giving him, yes, but he really does think this is his last night with Laurent and isn’t strong enough to resist his yearning for him.

Which still is all categorically not rape.

So again, where does this come from?

Well…I do think a lot of people read a little carelessly? I’ve done it sometimes, though maybe more rarely as someone with a background in literary study. Not everyone reads closely, not everyone remembers everything that happens in a book and they form some half-baked theories due to this.

But why misread this scene to that extent, where I’d go as far as to say that it stands in direct opposition to what Pacat intended and how the scene actually reads?

If you want my theory on it, I think many white readers (and non-white) have unconscious prejudices. The darker, muscular character evokes highly racist stereotypes of rape and assault; the fair, blond characters are the idealised objects of beauty and desire (who clearly need saving from dark men and their brutish sexuality 🙄).

I do think some people must surely be mapping these prejudices onto this scene and making it fit. It’s the only plausible reason I can think of.

I sometimes wonder whether some of the Auguste/Laurent shippers are people who want the fantasy of two blonds together. Like *ugh get that dark man away from Laurent*. I am not one to morally police the fiction people write and consume, I’m just saying the personal is the political and I can’t help but feel there might be some who think that…

So yeah that’s what I think! Hope that helps.

[gaogaigoatgrrl]

i get the feeling the transmasc thing isn't just surface-level what-it-says-on-the-tin stuff, so i gotta ask what's the actual problem for us with transandrophobia? it just looks like a word like transmisogyny (though structured differently) so i don't really understand what the immediate problem is

you have to understand that a significant part of the reason the term "transmisogyny" exists in the first place is that everyone (generalizing), including tme trans people, routinely treats trans women and transfems like absolute dogshit, and they get away with it because they have privilege over tma people.

i'm not just talking about being mean. i'm talking about denying us community support, pushing us into precarity, then taking advantage of our desperation to use us as scapegoats and sexual objects and throwing us away when we're no longer useful. it's not just cis men who do this. tme people in general engage in this bullshit. i've been on the receiving end of it myself, specifically from transmascs.

there is no "equal but opposite" counterpart, but some (but not all) tme trans people are immature enough that when they hear tma people trying to develop terminology to name this dynamic, their first thought is "hey, no fair! why don't i get a fancy oppression term too?"

in the past, it was en vogue to just deny the existence of transmisogyny outright, or to use semantic trickery to claim that it affects all trans people (the latter method is gaining popularity again, however). now, the angle's that everyone's oppressed in their own way, so there's no need to point fingers, right? but that ignores the fundamental nature of oppression. it's a thing that groups of people do to other groups of people to subordinate them for their own collective gain. who's subordinating men?

this is the part where someone will want to accuse me of saying that trans men aren't oppressed at all. and that's outright untrue. trans men are oppressed, and viciously at that. but that's not because society oppresses men. transphobia is just that bad on its own (not to mention when it intersects with other oppressions besides misogyny-- we'll get to that later).

tl;dr: it's bad because it gives tme trans people a way to duck responsibility for the way they treat trans women (and transfems more broadly). it obfuscates intracommunity power dynamics that regularly get transfems trapped in isolation, povery, and homelessness and killed and makes them easier to avoid addressing. if everyone involved were cis, it'd be easy to see this for the antifeminism that it is. i was seeing manosphere circles (mra, mgtow, incel, pua, etc.) use a lot of similar arguments and talking points in a cis context ten years ago.

i should cap this off by saying that transmisogyny isn't the only power dynamic that bears mentioning within trans circles. racism, particularly antiblack racism, is also a significant problem in similar ways (arguably worse), and white trans people (like myself) should not be dodging responsibility for that either. all of us have a responsibility to make sure that the most vulnerable among us do not get left high and dry, and i believe that in general it is both ethical and strategically smart to work in solidarity with other oppressed groups that sometimes overlap with our own. there are tme trans people who share this insight wrt women, and i am grateful for their willingness to stand up for us.

liberation does not come from sweeping conflicts like this under the rug, but from treating them like real problems that need to be taken seriously and actively worked against. fundamentally, my beef with transandrophobia theory is that it interferes with this process and is therefore anti-liberatory.

[blackbeardsemophase]

The thing is, Stede has never liked piracy for the same reason that Ed despises it.

It's just that Stede believes it's a matter of skill and experience that he needs to obtain in order to be a "real pirate" and that once he gains those things, he'll be magically okay with the gore-y bits. The soul crushing bits. The poison.

Stede desperately wants to belong and to have friends because more than anything he wants respect and love - things he has never had before. He's interested in the idea of community and team work and communication - it just so happens that he has made these interests pirate flavored because it facilitated the latter. Own a big cool ship, get a bunch of crew who were basically hired friends, and do something stereotypically masculine in an attempt to feel like a success.

We see Stede haunted/guilt ridden even by his involvement in the accidental deaths of the Badmintons. Yes, part of his guilt is due to feelings of inadequacy stemming from his failed marriage/domestic life, but the other half is feelings of inadequacy at being a pirate aka committing acts of violence. The whole reason Stede pushes back against the whole "traditionally piracy is a culture of abuse" is because it makes him uncomfortable to do violence. This is well established within the first episodes of season one, and during Stede's reaction to raids, or to Calico Jack, or Chauncey's death.

Episode 2x06 was a great culmination of this point about Stede. When he had Ned at swordpoint, he had to decide whether or not he was going to kill him. Ed, who knows extremely well how bad it feels to kill from his own firsthand experience, cautioned Stede against it in an effort to spare Stede these awful feelings of guilt and trauma (which I think Ed knows Stede would feel because he can tell how Stede handles violence and it isn't well). Stede is therefore torn between performing the violence that is expected of him as a pirate captain (there is so much to say about how this relates to masculinity that I don't have the words for) or saving himself the trauma of killing. In the end, Stede kills Ned and we immediately see in his expression that he is upset, so much so that he flashes back to his childhood; one scene of himself picking flowers and being soft and the other of him watching horrified as his father slaughtered the goose. He also retreats to his quarters to isolate where he sits on the sofa in much the same way as he did after Nigel died in s1. It was a perfect setup to illustrate that at the end of the day, Stede is never going to be okay with killing in the same way that Ed isn't. Their relationship to violence runs nearly parallel, and once Stede realizes this completely I think he and Ed will come to a compromise about how they want to spend the rest of their lives together and what they really want to do.

[valerieismss]

Okay I did another manga panel recolor to illustrate my point about Danny’s freakassness and how it could’ve been written more effectively.

My main issue with Danny’s character has little to do with his design and nothing to do with his personality and motivations. It’s just his behavior that drives me up a wall. You really don’t have to change anything about Danny himself to communicate his main internal conflicts: his desperate need for unconditional love.

It’s frustrating because I know that others (including myself, when my friend introduced me to this) will misinterpret Danny to be a pedo when he’s explicitly not one, it’s just that his behavior communicates something that’s different to his actual character. You see this in the manga and the anime, especially—a lot of his expressions are weirdly horny even though he never actually communicates or suggests he really feels that way about Rachel. Notably, his need for her is familial. He sees himself in her, and his mother’s eyes in her. In another post, @wlwfav said in a reply to a post by @mothwithapencil that he wasn’t projecting his feelings about his mother on Rachel so much as he was projecting his desires for unconditional love onto Rachel to mother her, like a reverse projection (trying not to plagiarize here!). I fully agree. This is especially apparent when you see a flashback of Danny counseling Rachel in the game. He directly relates his shit onto her. The amount of countertransference (which is when therapists project their own feelings onto their clients) this man has is immeasurable. It’s part of why I’m so attached to him. (For reference, my favorite character of all time is also a therapist with an assload of countertransference.)

Anyways, I think you can make Danny just as unsettling if not more if you get him to stop acting as horny as he does. It causes some really uncomfortable mischaracterizations. There’s really no need for it. That’s why I edited the second panel a little bit. You can change a character’s behavior and keep their motives and desires the same. I wouldn’t change an extreme amount about his behaviors. I think his lack of physical boundaries actually works really well for his character. It makes sense given his isolated and rejected upbringing. I draw the line when he pins Rachel down in the anime. What was the reason. He just wants her eyes. Explicitly. Just her eyes.

Also, the tongue? Can anyone explain why it’s necessary??? It’s GROSS AND WEIRD! It also gives his character a weirdly sexual undertone that isn’t necessary to making him a terrifying guy. Like you can still get freaky with it without that damn thing. The excessive use of peepers…I mentioned this in my last post. It’s a good way to disarm clients/players from his obsession with eyes. If he treats his fascination as a joke (“I just really like your peepers haha!”) it makes him less suspicious. Contextually, it also makes sense. Danny canonically becomes a psychiatrist because he knows he’ll encounter people with lifeless eyes. Unsurprisingly, in the art of the game, they tend to be younger patients. To me, when we first meet him, he came off as a pediatrician. I mean, he calls himself Dr. Danny instead of Dr. Dickens, like a pediatrician would. His tongue shit and his peeper shit could sound like some silly thing he’d say to get clients to feel more at ease around him before he legit kills them and takes their eyes.

All of that is really unsettling to me. You could characterize his freakassness in ways that aren’t sexual but just as chilling. If Rachel’s needs for a perfect family and things that are “hers” can be conveyed in a horrific way without sexualizing her, the same could be done for Dr. Fuckface. He’s so similar to her, after all. He wants a family—Rachel, specifically—that mirrors what he wishes he would’ve had in his childhood, because he believes that comes with unconditional love. Even when Zack stabs him in the anime, his line is, “I’ve been so terribly lonely!” Because that’s his actual issue. He thinks Rachel, having had a similar childhood, is the only one who could understand, and he believes he’s fundamentally unloveable because of his trauma. He literally thinks his eyes killed his mom. He’s so fascinating!! I’m so obsessed with him. I can’t wait to start episode 0 of the manga.

So, yeah. In the second recolor I tried to convey his creepiness by giving him a more wistful expression that still strikes you as fucking weird. Instead of seeming excited sexually, he seems excited at the idea of a forced family. It’s more accurate to who he actually is. He literally does not want her like that in canon. I wish his behaviors reflected that more.

[decolonize-the-everything]

I can't express my suicidal thoughts and feelings to a real person or confess my previous attempts (that are a year or so behind me now with no danger of it happening soon) because obviously it's not good for that person's mental health, even if I do take out the selfish aspect that they could intervene when I don't want anyone to.

Like, I can vent, and whenever people try to be 'its all going to be okay' 'life is worth living' it makes me want to scream at them because if it was that simple I wouldn't keep feeling like this. if an AI says that I can just let loose with exactly how I feel about that sunshine-and-rainbows-sugar droll that nobody ever really believes in anyways and just say it because they have nothing else to say.

I can't go to a therapist, I can't afford it and even if I could, I'd lose my job because I'm certain that I'd be committed against my will for how bad my feelings get, and I don't want to have to walk on eggshells when explaining my feelings in a way that won't get me put in a ward or have someone think far less of me knowing how unstable I am.

and when I get sick of talking or am in too bad of a mood to continue, I can just exit the AI instead of leaving a real person freaking out thinking I'm going to go hurt myself or something. so yeah, while human connection is important that's not an option for some of us.

I'm fucking heartbroken that you feel this way.

Not even just because you're obviously so unhappy and upset, but that you feel like other people can't handle you or your feelings.

I think how you feel is part of a Much larger issue. I know what you're talking about, I have a post somewhere about it.

About how people who've been through a lot or feel a lot get called toxic for "trauma dumping" or how they make their "friends" feel uncomfortable and how often people like that (like us) usually end up isolated because of how our feelings effect others.

Nobody says it, but maybe we get texted less often or we slowly start to be phased out of a friend group as they invite us out less and less.

And so you end up with these people who desperately need community and need people and need support and need to feel like they belong somewhere....being completey isolated from all of this and being told THEY are the problem.

You're not. We're not.

To some extent, sure, not everyone can handle people like that. But when it's....everyone? That's no longer preference.

That's structural. That's systemic.

And I just can Not believe that using AI as a stand in for that is an option at all. I mean it's good for if you just wanna blow off steam or scream at something I guess?

But I don't think any of us are ever going to Actually feel better if we keep Letting people treat us like we aren't even worth listening to and enabling that behavior for them through AI.

You should be able to talk to someone who loves you about this. Someone who cares and who is genuinely invested in your well being. Someone worrying about you is GOOD. You're worth worrying about! Let them worry!

They SHOULD be worried! You're ideating of suicide! That's a concern for people who want you to stick around and I hope you see that for the love it is.

I hope you give those people opportunities to be there for you. That's what they want. They worry cuz they care and they want you to feel better and they Don't want to end up at your funeral sooner than they should. If people are annoying about it, it's a testament to them caring.

That said, I know it can get annoying to reassure your friend when You are the one that's depressed, but you gotta remember that their friend wants to die. I don't think it's an inappropriate response to want an annoying amount of reassurance that they won't just drop dead one day ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Just find people who will respect your boundaries; people who, when you say, 'i don't wanna talk about this anymore' or 'i feel like your feelings are being centered over mine right now' and will listen and be gracious with what they demand and expect of you.

Abandoning your friends and yourself by turning to AI instead can not be the right answer for how to handle this. Let them be there even if they're annoying.

That can not be what you need and I truly, honest to God think that this will be worse in the long run for your over all self worth.

What do you mean human interaction isn't an option?

And hey, if you (or anyone else) wanna scream or yell or let off steam in my asks then do it.

If you don't want me to reply or post it, just tell me. If you don't want reassurance then say that. If you don't even want me to Read it then say that and I won't. If you want advice or a reply then say that.

No I'm not an rp blog and I won't ever be one and I won't reply like I'm a character lol

But I'm an actual person willing to be there okay?

If literally nobody else is, then my asks and dms are open.

Just like, for the fucking love of God do not feel like there is nobody on fucking earth that prepared or emotionally equipped to handle your feelings.

Like I know this sounds like a cringey pick me kindve answer but like.

It's very, very important to me that you don't think so little of your peers and yourself that you would turn to AI out of a need to be comfortably and conveniently suicidal.

My application:

I'm a mom who reads a lot of gentle parenting books

Learned a Lot about regulating emotions and naming them so I could teach my kid emotional intelligence

In and out of therapy myself since I was 14 and honestly probably should've been there before that

I read like a Lot of psychology books and articles

I too have depression and suicidal ideation and I Get that people can be annoying abt it

Im actively becoming a happier person and learning to enjoy life so I also Get what people mean when they say 'it gets better' (it does but not literally if that makes sense)

I'm also not actually in therapy anymore because of bad experiences

Promise not to have you committed

Has actually been committed (5250 gang waddup) and imo it wasn't an awful experience but that's probably because the environment was chaotic enough to feel weirdly like home but we can talk about that too if you want

You do not need to sugarcoat or sugar-rainbows bullshit me cuz I've literally been there (I even snuck a soda tab into the psych facility the hospital transferred me to 💀)

Can't promise you I'll know the exact right thing to say but I will always keep it real and no bs with no flowery bs that doesn't actually mean anything to either of us

[adviceformefromme]

Sis, please tell me, how do I LISTEN?

It’s not that I can’t HEAR, I can feel it, it’s just that I’m not LISTENING.

How? How do I listen to my Body? How do I listen to GOD? How do I listen to my spirit, to life, to the experiences and lessons that come for me? I keep ending up in the same situations over and over again: broke & unemployed, angry and short tempered, desperate, lonely and self-isolating; overwhelmed with all the negative and all I WANT to be doing that I shut down and turn everything off and close my mind and my heart to everything and everyone.

I lost my brother 4 years ago, the love of my life, my best friend & cheerleader, virtually my dad, as I didn’t grow up with mine. I couldn’t handle it, I’ve never experienced loss like this. I turned it all off and threw my spirit, along with my hopes, dreams, will to live and self worth into a box and down into a Black Sea of grief and heartbreak 💔 Now, I can’t find that box anymore…I can HEAR it screaming to me, but I’m not listening close enough to find it. What do I do?

Hey Sweetie, sorry to hear of your pain! I can relate as I lost my brother suddenly over 7 years ago and we were sooo close. It was pain I had never experienced. As for closing off and shutting down, this was also my coping mechanism. The main thing is, is that everything you write is totally possible to overcome. I'll put some tips below, take what you need and DM me if you need more support xoxox

The broken record, the keep making the same mistake pains. Spend some time analysing these. Where was the window that you could of made a change? For example. If in relationships you loose your temper when a guy doesn't message back. Where is the window in that process for change? Bring light to it. Is it learning to say no to men who show you early on that they are crappy with messaging? Is it not sleeping with them too soon so you can see their true colours? Really observe the cycle. And drill down on where you can see your set back. Once you can see the pattern and the behaviour keeping you stuck. You can move into prevention. If X happens, I will now do X. Keep reminding yourself of this. Keep reminding yourself of your new behaviour.. Daily, even outside of the situation, keep reminding yourself if X happens I will now do X. And this is the PRE step , this is making the change before you end up in the gutter. This is your preventative action. When you feel ready ask God for a test. He WILL deliver.

Stop breaking your own promises. Learn to build trust with yourself. Start small, this is how you build self respect, and move forward. This really affects your whole being. If you say you are going to make your bed start making it. Start small and build some trust inside, this is how you gently start listening to yourself, and responding. Once that trust is there and you become that person to yourself that you can rely on you can move to bigger goals.

Have an outlet to process your emotions. Create space to cry and feel if you are someone who does not have ability to do this day to day. Carve out some you time for reflection. I struggled to cry when I was grieving as a child I was not allowed to show emotion with my abuser, so during my grief my emotions became so clogged up. I would have to carve out time to FEEL. Sometimes it was journalling, but movies allow me to feel so i would sit with a box of tissues sobbing my heart out to any random movie. Do what you need to give yourself space and freedom to process and feel.

Get a therapist if possible, if not lean on youtube, podcasts, books. There are so many amazing books, I recommend Marianne Williams - Return to Love. This is a great book for healing and references to God.

Find a community, you need a support system. Through Church, through new hobbies, through existing friends let them know what you are going through and let them know what you need from them. Maybe you just need your best friend to listen instead of doing xyz, let them know. Part of asking for help is knowing what your needs are. What are your needs for yourself? What do you need right now? What do you need from you ?

Become DEVOTED to your self - care and self - love. This should be your first and foremost priority. Healing from deep wounds of loss requires extra love and care for you, so let this be your main priority.

Cleanse your life of all the pollution. See yourself as the ocean, keep your ocean clean. What music is polluting your ocean? What people are toxic to your waters? What actions are you taking that harming your beautiful seas? Take inventory and start making adjustments. Remember, the ego will be overwhelmed if you go hard on all these changes. Imagine a swinging pendulum. Going too far to one side will only mean swinging to far to the opposite side. With the above, try to find some middle ground when introducing new habits. Be kind to yourself, and keep a check of your inner voice. Are you living in an internal war zone? Imagine yourself as a small child, how would you treat her? Love her? Care for her? Wash her? Feed her?

[projectcaramel]

Random Headcanon #4

How the brothers react when you intentionally leave them out of the loop.

If he’s not your SO.

If he is your SO (or at least one of them).

Lucifer

“I’m going back to work.” Pretends he doesn’t care and it doesn’t affect him, but the guy’s actually pretty hurt. I mean, you’re all family, and yes, he understands he might have made you mad with all his rules, but he’s still kind of stressing himself out about it. 

If you’re just teasing him, you’ll probably get teased right back. If it’s for a surprise, you have to tell him that, or he’s going to ruin it for himself. And if you’re angry with him... well, expect a very long talk about communication. 

Mammon

“It’s not like I wanted to be in your dumb game!” Classic tsundere can’t say how much it affects him, but it’ll show through every muscle in his face. He’ll walk off sulking unless he smells profit. 

Whether you’re teasing, angry, or planning a surprise, Mammon is desperate to push his way in by any means he can, and he really does not want you to be angry at him. 

Levi

“NORMIES!” is the shout you’ll hear from down the hall. He’s jealous, but he tells himself he expected it all along and that you never wanted to be around him in the first place. This poor man goes from 0 to 100 at the speed of otaku, and he might not forgive you for a week. 

They call him the Avatar of Envy for a reason; even if you’re being playful, he’s going to be jealous. If you’re angry, he’ll probably swing into self-isolation and refuse to come out of his room until you come and get him. 

Satan

“Hah? Are you just going to skip over me?” Choose your battles wisely because if Satan feels like he’s been slighted, and especially if Lucifer gets a cookie and he doesn’t, he’s going to lose his shit. 

Just joking around? He’ll let it go and might even laugh. Preparing for his birthday? He’ll figure out what you’re doing and act surprised later. You’re pissed off? Well, quite frankly he’s at a loss. 

Asmo

“Um, hello? The star is right here though. Helllooooo?” He’ll give up and stare at himself in the mirror if you’re persistent enough to thwart his attempts to butt in, but he’s reeeeally upset that you intentionally excluded him. 

If it’s not for a serious reason, he’ll get sulky until he realizes you’re actually paying more attention to him. If you’re irritated, it might take him a while to pick up on that unless you’re really clear about it. 

Beel

“Should I just leave or...?” Disregarding how badly this would end if it’s food-related, Beel would just accept it and wander off. He’s more confused than anything else. 

He doesn’t really get the teasing part of it, but if you’re angry, you can bet your ass he’s doing everything he can to stop you being angry. Surprises? Loves them, but you’ll probably upset him if you’re keeping a secret from him and he doesn’t know what kind it is. 

Belphie

“Whatever. I’m going to sleep.” And he’ll be snoozing in a matter of 10 seconds. Does he feel very annoyed? Yes. Will he let that show? Hell no.  

Oh, this vindictive, pouty little shit. You leave him out of something, and he’s going to do the exact same thing to you regardless of the reason. If you’re angry with him, it’s going to get 100 times worse until one of you figures out that you have to talk. 

[transmandrake]

Feel like I have something to say about how off it feels when people are like 'being ace doesnt mean you hate sex / are sex repulsed'

Like yeah, true! Being ace is not necessarily that.

But... no one ever seems to really, discuss sex repulsion outside of that. Which feels wierd. Sex repulsion makes me feel infinitely more queer and isolated than not experiencing sexual attraction, a thing I really just don't think about and rarely affects me.

But sex repulsion? Literally impossible to go a day without seeing a post mentioning something to do with sex. On a bad day, which are thankfully few, I simply cannot look at things, or even talk to people, without feeling like knives are jamming into all of my nerve endings.

And the thing no one ever, ever mentions is that sex repulsion does not mean unhorny. Do we even have a term for people who don't experience horniness? Asexuality as a spectrum seems to actually just be a filling bar between experiencing or not experiencing a single metric that isn't super relevant at all.

That's wierd right? Like, there are so many parts of sexuality that never seems to come up or even be searchable. There are infinite genders and searching sex repulsion is desolate, aside from 'its not asexuality' and 'do you need to be cured?'

There is nothing more isolating or queer in me than the seemingly lonesome experience of experiencing something that I desperately hate and yet cannot imagine being without. Its close to my experience of transness, but even that at least comes with a community and resources.

'I hate even the mention of sex, but I like it theoretically, I want to be able to like it, I don't know what to do about this' is just.

Empty.