#feeling miserable ngl
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i am once again requesting to be put down like a rabid animal
#since it occurred to me that people actually read my posts#here's an update on my stupid gay crush on the straight guy#i ended up telling him#i was worried it would make things weird but hes chill with it#i did ask him to tone it down with the joke flirting because it was Making Me Feel Things but i do kinda miss it tbh he was so sweet#but its not like he actually meant any of that so whatever i just have to get over it#he did ask me why i have a crush on him tho and idk what to say to that i mean i know why i guess but i cant say it im bad at#putting into word this kind of stuff#feeling miserable ngl
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I cut my hair way too short when i got really stressed out recently and now I'm consumed with dysphoria i regret doing that so bad and I'm a fool
#my hair grows really slowly too#its making me feel a bit miserable ngl#my hair being long was also making my dysphoric though#so i really cant win#i definitely looked better with it longer tho :(
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having massive gender envy from this faggy little twink in my class i wanna look as cunty as he
#he's my transition goals that id never be able to reach bc wildly different body types#its part of why ive been feeling miserable today ngl#jojo barks#oh my god i think on top of everything im having massive disphoria that explains a lot
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how i imagine it somewhat feels like to look thru this blog...
#...except all the pictures are just a sad old man looking miserable and not doing anything particularly fun or relaxing😔#ngl i also feel like this.
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Bdsm would fix Jackson
#Being Jackson's fan is so miserable ngl#I feel like no one cares about him#At least after all 6 seasons#teen wolf
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I finally got the drop pearls I ordered and I’ve been making matching earrings for my papa rosaries hehehehe I already made a pair for Copia’s that I’ll post later but they’re HUGE because I used the same gold cross pendants I put on Terzo’s rosary but I wanted a smaller pair with the drop pearls too :) :)
#the band ghost#papa emeritus iv#papa emeritus ii#jewellery making#I’m also making some earrings with little leftover charms I have. maybe I’ll post those too#I love getting back into old hobbies so so so much hehehe :)#ngl I’ve been a bit miserable since Tuesday because my social battery had been DRAINED and I had a migraine#but this is the first time I’ve gotten out of bed since Tuesday and I feel so much better#all because of my silly little beads#I do need to get bigger jumprings though. I’ve been making the jumprings for the drop pearls with eyepins I trimmed#and they’re not great but like. considering I don’t have bail making pliers I think they’re pretty okay#I might start on Primo’s rosary today too. I’m on a roll
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Hey you ever have moments when you wake up from several bad dreams in a WEEK so want to pick up your brain and hold it like a dirty sponge to say something like,
#yeah yeah very cool to dream of having people discover your blogs and make fun of you and call you a freak#and then not sleep at all the next night#AND the one night I manage to sleep I dream I lost my mother - that I have to live with toxic dad alone for the rest of my life#and me saying in the dream 'I'll never be able to hold my mother in my arms and say how much I love her' like?? Hello???#I'd like to wake up not feeling miserable or in tears for once LMAO#I'm doing ok btw it's just I find this so stupid so might as well laugh/make a shitty meme about it - it's just tiring ngl :'D#miss tic tac ringing
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Woo. I just finished Beastieball and add this to the list of monster taming greats
#beastieball#the gameplay is simple but has a lot of strategy to it#just as i would want it to be#and the story is fucking great ngl#it turns out the whole world being obsessed with a single sport is a bad thing#but also its very pro sport#these themes can very much be applied to artists and writers#when money makes the thing you love miserable#also the explanation for this world of 'wild animals play volleyball'#worksss#i fully went in here accepting the silly premise#i did not need them to make it make sense but they did make it make sense indeed#i still think the shiny system in cassette beasts is far more fun#bc they have different elements and they can feel like playing a whole new beast#but i had fun finding raremorphs#and i found my favorite! humflit!#evolved it into the bird
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I am back from touching grass and having the sun touch my face and I’m pretty sure my depression is cured now
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1. a magic portal
2. some flowers :)
3. some more flowers and some mystery spikey looking fruit
4. some different mystery spikey fruit(?)
5. someone was growing grapes in their little community garden plot. i may or may not have plucked one off to see if it tasted good (it was very sour but good lol)
6. i also stole some blackberries that were growing on a bush nearby, and stained my hands and my white shirt in the process (the stain on the shirt is tiny and at the bottom luckily, and I think I got most of it out via scrubbing it w soap and water)
#funny how literally an hour in the sun is enough to cure mental illness#was literally going thru it on friday and saturday when it was miserable and raining and now that the sun is out I’m like yay life is great#also took an entire rolls worth of film while I was outside so I’m feeling productive too#I need to go on more hot girl walks more often instead of bumming around my house ngl
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day 723 of missing being able to write
#ngl it’s making me questionably emotional if u get what i mean !!#i do not think so far meds are worth this sacrifice lmao#my mood doesn’t even feel stabilised i’m just fucking miserable and stupid now :-))
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Still absolutely flummoxed by my doctor's solution to my pmdd-driven mental health woes. Last month felt like a miracle. This month is going great so far too.
#i have fully comprehended in the last month just how miserable i was all year#talk to your doctor if you feel like a nonhuman every month it is not supposed to be like that 💫#the vitamin d might also be helping ngl
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Some extra Snatcher encouragement as a treat✨
#ngl one of these had me crying in bed at 11:45pm or so#I forgot the specifics because it was a while ago#but damn it hit directly in the feels in a way I never expected#was feeling miserable and needed a pick up ngl#man has such a way with words sometimes#update#random#snatcher ai
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finally got a job but i had my make my name tag and i gave them my deadname so i just got to use stickers to agonizingly place each letter of my deadname down as i’m actively getting called it and she/her the entire time
#miserable!!!!#feeling dysphoric asf#also my manager said the r slur not even half an hour into meeting me lol!! i feel safe /lie#also also it’s work policy that if i bring a bag or backpack in the manager has to check it before i leave each shift#to make sure we don’t leave with any product aka steal from them LOLOL#i make literally 9.50 an hour to get yelled at by customers girl i’m not stealing anything#also i live in a pretty red state so i just Do Not feel safe outing myself at work rn otherwise i would’ve given them my actual name ://#i also clicked female for gender and felt sick to my stomach#anyway! i feel terrible ngl#i need to try and make that anderperry edit today perhaps#silas speaks#trans#transmasc#trans ftm#transmasculine#transgender#queer#tboy swag#transblr#trans community#trans vent#deadname
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h
#i want to hurl my organs out ngl#the high from fun gort zeke realizations has worn off#fuck that is uhhh not the right image ehh who give a shit#anyways where was i. ah yes who wants my kidney#will there ever be a day in which i don’t feel like a fucking freak for what i create. probably not#if it ever happens though i will celebrate#i’m gonna be real with you all purely judging from these me being miserable posts you’d think i just have episodes or something#but truly this is every day lol#fuck holiday season the end i’m hitting the hay
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#ngl my mental health has been garbage lately#can the ex overachiever ever know peace?#im starting to think the answer is no#years of therapy and nothing has changed#this whole thing is so painful to me the only way i can bring it up irl is through jokes#i don't live in the us we don't have this gifted program stuff here#but i was so brilliant so excellent absolutely perfect#being mediocre now is like having my heart ripped out of my chest every single day#watching people do better than me has me on the verge of losing my mind#i know it has to sound whiny and ridiculous to people who never experienced this#but success was all i ever had#successful was all i ever was#and now i have nothing and i am no one#years of being used by teachers only to end up spat out by the education system#all this pain for nothing#my therapist used to say im quite literally grieving#how long is this supposed to last?#how long until i stop feeling so worthless and miserable?#im so sick of being like this but nothing ever changes#ill probably delete this later but i needed to vent first
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i fundamentally do not understand or relate to ppl who won’t go out of their way to show kindness to an animal. so u lose a bit of time and consume a bit of energy but in return actively improve the life of a living breathing creation and therefore the world around u??? i’ll make that trade any day
#🐺#does this make sense#like yeah maybe i don’t rly want to sit on the floor and move a string around for my cats for an hour#but i know it will make them happy and they’ll feel like i listened to them#or maybe i’m in the middle of a movie and a cat decides they rly need my full attention right then#i’m pausing the fucking movie#when the kittens got fixed i followed them around all day and watched them so they could go without wearing their cones as much as possible#because they were miserable and confused#there’s something so gross to me about ppl who actively refuse to listen to their pets communication#anyway i just needed to write that down#not that everyone needs to go to the lengths i go to cause ngl i’m kinda crazy#but like…. LOVE THEM LISTEN TO THEM PLS
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