#but this is the first time I’ve gotten out of bed since Tuesday and I feel so much better

[positivelyghastly]

I finally got the drop pearls I ordered and I’ve been making matching earrings for my papa rosaries hehehehe I already made a pair for Copia’s that I’ll post later but they’re HUGE because I used the same gold cross pendants I put on Terzo’s rosary but I wanted a smaller pair with the drop pearls too :) :)

[yungistiny]

Selfish Waltz ═ chapter five

chapter five: crave you

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summary: yunho had been love with y/n since he was sixteen, not mustering up the courage to tell her until seven years later, seven years too late because his best friend just beat him to the punch.

note: reader and the boys are not kpop idols in this

warning: smut, threesome, double penetration, big dick yungi, size kink, just lots of smut

pairings: yunho x female reader, mingi x female reader

genre: smut, friends to lovers, angst, slow burn, romance, polyamory

word count: 5.5k

chapter four

chapter six

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Yunho didn’t see y/n at all Sunday. Her and Wooyoung had dinner with their parents and she had stayed at their shared apartment for the first time in months.

Monday, Yunho started his new job and he didn’t make it back home until past midnight. Programming and testing beta games took a lot of time because he had gotten to work at 8:00 am that morning and he was so exhausted that as soon as he saw his bed he just collapsed atop it still fully clothed and passed out.

Tuesday, it was a repeat of Monday and Wednesday was a repeat of Tuesday and Thursday when Yunho got off work early, he finally saw her for the first time in four days. The first time since he kissed her. She was passed out asleep on the couch, an episode of Chainsaw Man playing on the tv. She had on one of Mingi’s shirts and a pair of sweatpants.

Yunho snatched a throw blanket from the small closet at the end of the hallway, gently covering it over her and turning the volume of the tv down as he went to his room to change clothes. Mr. Liu’s daughter had made it back home and Yunho wished he could just runaway until she left again but he stopped by the restaurant the day before for lunch and Mr. Liu gave him no room to say no to a date. Why did Yunho have to agree to a date? He had only said it at the time to rile Mingi up.

All he had to do was go on the date, be polite, maybe he’d even enjoy himself a little, and then move on and tell Mr. Liu that he just didn’t have time to date right now. Not a total lie.

Yunho tossed the clothes he was gonna wear for the date on his bed before jumping in the shower quickly. He wasted no time getting in and out, hair wet and just a towel around his waist, walking back into his room just as his phone began to ring where he left it on his bed.

Mingi’s name stared back at him, Yunho hesitating before answering. He hadn’t spoken to him since before he left. It’s crazy to think Mingi had left Saturday morning and by Saturday night Yunho had kissed his girlfriend. “Dude, what time is it there?”

“After four.” Mingi answered, his voice groggy and deep. He couldn’t sleep, not since leaving. He’d grown accustomed to y/n snuggled into his side every night.

“In the morning?” Yunho arched a brow Mingi obviously couldn’t see. “Can’t sleep?”

“That and I have a photoshoot in a few hours.” Mingi, bit his lip, contemplating on bringing up what y/n had told him or wait and see if Yunho told him himself first. If there’s one thing Mingi was good at, it was patience and good at keeping a secret. “What have you been up to since I’ve been gone? Any dirty little secrets I should know about?” He teased.

Yunho froze, there’s no way Mingi knew, he couldn’t. Y/N wouldn’t just tell him…. would she? No. No, she wouldn’t of. “Dirty little secrets are your specialty, not mine.” He teased back, voice a little higher pitched then normal, a sign that Mingi had picked up over the years that Yunho was lying.

“Where’s y/n? I tried calling her but she didn’t answer.” Mingi asked with a curiosity in the deep tone of his voice.

Yunho hesitated, thought of talking about y/n with Mingi after what they’d done…. guilt grew and Yunho knew he had to tell him. Just not over the phone. “She’s asleep. I’ll tell her to call you when I get back.”

“Get back from where?”

Why was Yunho suddenly nervous to tell Mingi he was going on that date with Mr. Liu’s daughter? “Mr.Liu’s daughter is back….” He trailed off, waiting for Mingi to piece it together.

“You’re really going out with her?” There was a tone in Mingi’s voice that Yunho had heard many times just not towards him. Jealously. But there was no way Mingi was jealous of him going out with Liu’s daughter.

“I told him I would….” Yunho could hear Mingi shuffling with something on the other end before his next question froze Yunho to the spot where he had put his phone on speaker, dropping his towel from his waist to get dressed. “You gonna fuck her?”

“Yunho?” The sound of y/n sleepy voice echoing from behind him mixed with Mingi’s silence waiting on the phone and Yunho realizing he was completely naked, his bedroom door wide opened. The universe hated him.

“Y/N!” He exclaimed as she appeared in his doorway rubbing sleep from her eyes. He knew Mingi could hear everything from the call and that made this entire situation so much worse. “You’re supposed to be asleep!” His hissed, snatching his towel back up but not before y/n saw everything, she was certainly fully awake now.

Y/N eyes widened at the sight of him. Her suspicions being confirmed. He was big.

“So you gonna fuck her or not?” Mingi’s voice was loud coming from Yunho’s phone. Y/N froze at her boyfriend’s voice and the question he had asked.

“Mingi, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” Yunho hit end call, refusing to answer Mingi’s accusatory tone as y/n narrowed her eyes at him. She knew she had no right to be mad or jealous at the thought of Yunho with someone else but she suddenly couldn’t control herself. “So…” she stepped into his room, arms folded across her chest causing Yunho to notice she wasn’t wearing a bra under the shirt she had on. “you avoid me for the last….” She paused, counting the days since their kiss in her head. “four days? Since you kissed me..”

“You kissed me!” Yunho argued. She was the one who caught him off guard that night. “Well you kissed me back!” She argued in return. “You initiated it!” Yunho scoffed. This wasn’t like their little fights they would have whenever they would go against each other gaming. This argument was much more intense, more real, dangerous. Yunho was glad he hung up on Mingi before this escalated.

Y/N moved to argue more but paused as the distinct sound of her phone she had forgotten in Mingi’s, their, room began to blare, ringing and echoing out into the hall and inside Yunho’s room.

“It’s probably your boyfriend.” Yunho snapped, turning his back to her, grabbing his shirt he had layed on his bed. Y/N sighed as she left to go retrieve her phone. Mingi’s bedroom door slammed shut behind her.

Yunho needed a drink.

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Ningning, Mr. Liu’s daughter, seemed to be just as unenthusiastic about the date as Yunho was. To make things more awkward then they already were, Mr. Liu insisted they have the date at his restaurant.

They sat in awkward silence as their meals were made and delivered to their table. Yunho’s favorite table. He watched Ningning push her food around with her chopsticks, she was pretty, there was no denying that fact however, she just wasn’t y/n. “You seem just as into this as I am.” Yunho replied sarcastically, shoving a mouthful of sweet and sour chicken into his mouth.

Ningning hesitated, glancing around and relaxing a bit when she didn’t see her dad anywhere in sight. “Listen…” She bit her bottom lip, debating with herself rather to tell Yunho the truth. “you’re not…. guys,” she corrected herself. “aren’t exactly my type.”

Yunho swallowed his food with a loud gulp, staring at her confused for just a moment before realization of her words hit him. She was gay? “Wait…” he shook his head, lowering his voice just enough so that no one else would hear. “You’re gay?”

Ningning once again looked around to make sure her dad wasn’t near them. “Sorry.” She apologized, shame in her voice and shoulders sagging in defeat. “You don’t have to apologize for being gay.” Yunho stopped her. “I just don’t get why you would agree to your dad trying to set us up…” oh! Yunho suddenly felt bad for the girl. “He doesn’t know, does he?”

Ningning frowned, finally meeting Yunho’s gaze filled with pity. He felt sorry for her. “My uncle came out a few years ago,” she caught her dad staring at them, throwing her a thumbs up. “my dad hasn’t talked to him since.”

“You shouldn’t have to hide who you are.” Yunho squeezed her hand from across the table. “Your dad should love you no matter what.”

“You’re a good guy, Yunho.” Ningning felt tears prick her eyes but held them back. “Now I feel guilty wasting your time.”

Yunho looked back over his shoulder where Mr. Liu was still watching them. He suddenly no longer held respect for the man. How could he cut his own brother off for loving who he wanted to love? Have his daughter terrified to be herself? “You want to get out of here?”

Ningning let out a sigh of relief. “Please!”

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“Let me get this straight…” Ningning gripped the shot of soju in her hand, turning to stare at Yunho, trying and failing to not laugh at her new friend’s predicament. They had decided to get drinks at the bar across the street from her dad’s restaurant. They were already a couple of hours in, buzzed and warm from the alcohol in their system. “you’re in love with your best friend y/n who’s now with your other best friend Mingi and…” she paused, throwing her head back, the soju burning her throat only a little. She wasn’t a big drinker. “you kissed her and he has no idea?”

Yunho groaned, hearing it all said back to him only made him feel worse. “Ding, ding, ding” he grabbed himself another shot, he didn’t want to feel anything right now. Especially since y/n would be there when he got back home.

“I’d take being secretly in the closet over your situation any day.” Ningning snorted.

“It’s not funny.” Yunho pouted. He was so fucked. Mingi was gonna kill him. But it was Mingi’s fault. His drunken haze clouded his better judgment. Mingi just had to go and take what is his. He met y/n first. He was the one she always went to when she needed help with anything. She was the one that forced Yunho to fight for that internship that now got him the job of his dreams. He was the one that loved her first.

“It’s a little fucking funny.” Ningning giggled as they were interrupted by another young woman who Yunho could only assume was Ningning’s girlfriend she had called when the two of them had first arrived at the bar. “You must be the guy who tried stealing my girl.”

“Yunho,” Ningning giggled as she pulled her girlfriend into her lap in the little booth they sat at. “this is Natty.” Natty bit her lip, capturing Ningning’s lips in a kiss.

“You’re like… the hottest lesbians I have ever met.” Yunho hadn’t meant to say that out loud, the alcohol in his system causing the words to tumble out of his mouth like word vomit.

Ningning and Natty laughed at him. “You are wasted.”

Yunho allowed his two new friends to help walk him home later, the hour late though he wasn’t sure exactly what time it was as he half stumbled out the elevator of his apartment floor. He fumbled around his coat pocket for his keys. He wasn’t totally drunk, just enough to put him under the influence and cloud his senses for a while.

Finally unlocking the door, Yunho stumbled inside, leaning his weight back against the door to shut it. The kitchen and the living room were empty so he only assumed y/n was asleep or locked up in Mingi’s room. His coat felt heavy in his drunken state as he peeled it off, hanging it up. He clumsily kicked his shoes off, walking in the kitchen and snatching a cold bottle of water from the fridge. He drank it like he had come from being stranded in the desert without any source of hydration. Then he drank another. Then he had to pee.

“Fuck!” He hissed, stubbing his toe against the toilet. He didn’t even turn the bathroom light on, the light bleeding in from the kitchen into the hall was enough. Yunho struggled unzipping his pants, even more getting himself back into his pants. Washing his hands felt like it took an eternity.

He blew out a breath, dragging his feet down the hall towards his bedroom only to freeze at Mingi’s room. The door was open and Yunho’s gaze caught sight of y/n in the mirror for a second time only she wasn’t riding Mingi this time.

Yunho probably should have ran to his room, lock his door, he probably would have gotten himself off, but he didn’t. He couldn’t move. His head was starting to clear, slowly sobering up, not by much, at the mere sight of y/n lying on Mingi’s bed, he couldn’t see her face but he could see her hand, see where it was between her splayed legs, opened wide and giving him the perfect view of her hastily rubbing circles frantically against her clit. It was like she was fighting herself, desperate to cum.

It was as no matter how many times she rubbed herself, slipped her small fingers inside of her aching core she just couldn’t get herself off. Yunho heard the frustrated groan leave her as she sat up, he could see her flushed face now, hair a mess as she plunged two of her fingers into herself, “please” she was begging, almost on the verge of tears….

The sound of Yunho’s phone suddenly going off in his pocket caused him to jump, snapping out of the daze he had been in. He stumbled back, practically tripping into his room in search of the damned device. Who the hell was calling him?

He finally, after crawling across the floor, turning around and sitting back against his bed, his phone lit up his face as he pulled it from his pocket.

“Hello?” He hissed into the call.

“Just making sure you made it to your apartment without tripping and falling.” Ningning’s voice laughed at him, he’d forgotten they exchanged numbers earlier. “I… uh….” Yunho trailed off, squinting as he was momentarily blinded as his bedroom light turned on. He froze when he saw y/n standing in the doorway, arms folded across her chest hidden under the oversized shirt she had on. An oversized shirt that for once did not belong to Mingi.

“My shirt….” His voice came out deeper than he intended, eyes trailing y/n from head to toe, stopping at where the hem of his shirt stopped against her thighs. “What?” Ningning’s confused voice was barely registering to Yunho. “I’ll talk to you later.” He ended the call, slowly lowering his phone down and sitting it beside him on the floor.

“I didn’t know you were home.” Y/N face suddenly tinted red under his gaze. Yunho scoffed. “Oh, sure,” he climbed back to his feet. “kind of like how you weren’t aware I was still awake the night you left the door opened while you rode my best friend.” His voice dripped with sarcastic venom. His eyes had darkened, pupils blown. “You’re such a fucking tease.”

His words hit y/n like a slap. “What?” She watched as he chuckled humorously, deep and chastising. “You like it, don’t you?” He was slowly moving towards her, y/n backed up as he grew closer, stopping once her back collided with the wall right next to Mingi’s bedroom door. She could no longer see that hungry look in his eyes, the darkness in the hallway casting them in shadows.

“Yunho….” Y/N sounded breathless, voice shaky as he caged her against the wall with his arms once again. “A fucking tease that won’t leave me the fuck alone.” He had buried his face into the crook of her neck, leaning down and practically growling the words against her skin where goosebumps appeared and a shiver ran through her, sending itself straight to her still aching and edged core between her thighs.

He almost lost himself but quickly moved away from her, shaking his head. “Yun..Yunho, please!” Y/N darted her hand out, chasing after him and gripping his hand. “Please…” she was begging now, guiding his hand to her exposed, dripping and sticky cunt from her previous desperate actions. “Please touch me”

Yunho could of came right there at the need and desperation in her voice as he moved, smothering her flushed against him and the wall as he guided his index finger between her wet and sopping folds, a guttural groan leaving him. “Tell me…” he continued to painstakingly slowly run his finger up and down, making her even more wet if that were possible. “Tell me who you were thinking about.”

Y/N couldn’t help the needy moan that ripped from her, bucking her hips to create some friction against his hand, desperately needing him to just use his beautiful hand to fuck her senseless. “Please…” she was begging, pleading, voice oh so whiny and desperate. Yunho had to keep himself under control, he’d been waiting to be in a position like this with her for so long he was almost afraid he was just dreaming. “Tell me.” He demanded, he wanted to know, needed to know.

Y/N wasn’t sure how he would react if she told him the truth, what would he do if she confessed her filthy fantasy she had conjured up while trying and failing to get herself off. “You….. and….” She hesitated, breath panting against Yunho’s thumb he had pressed against her bottom lip. “me and?” He pressed his thumb down, y/n pulling it into her mouth, tongue lapping at it and pulling a deep moan from Yunho.

“And Mingi…. both of you buried inside me…. stretching me…” a loud gasp followed by the most sinful, loud moan Yunho had heard from her yet ripped from her as he pulled his hand from her mouth, his other that had been resting against her wet cunt, covered in her slick, plunging two of his fingers as far as he could inside her because fuck the image of him and Mingi both taking her at the same time caused him to snap.

He kissed her, muffling the lewd noises leaving her, he tasted like the faintness of soju, his experienced fingers deliciously buried so far in y/n the girl can’t do anything but wrap her arms around his shoulders desperately holding on as the orgasm built up like a catastrophic storm inside her.

The squelching noise of his fingers fucking her echoed down the hallway and Yunho trailed kisses down her neck, inserting a third finger, stretching her a little more and y/n was sure that if he weren’t holding her she’d fall to her knees. “More…. Yunho please…”

A whine left her, words leaving in protest when he removed his fingers from her. “Why are you…” fuck. Y/N head hit the wall, her hand tangling in his hair as he dropped to his knees, lifting her just enough to allow her legs to wrap around his shoulders, burying his head between her thighs wasting no more time as he replaced his fingers with his tongue.

Yunho held her up with one arm, careful to not cause them to both fall on the floor in a heap. His other arm he brought down so he could bring his fingers back, moving his tongue and mouth up to suck on her swollen clit and guiding his fingers back inside her, two of them fucking her in quick precision, curling them and smirking against her when he found her g spot.

Y/N was incoherent above him, a blabbering mess as her legs began to shake. Was she crying? She’d never cried during climax before. It was like having an outer body experience, her walls clenching around his fingers, the neighbors would certainly think she was being murdered with the way she was screaming, moaning out Yunho’s name in a cry as all it took was one last feel of his tongue on her clit and one more curve and thrust of his fingers to have her literally gushing on his face.

And yunho lapped every last drop of her up. Drowning in her, burying his face deeper, holding her tighter, overstimulating her as he still had yet to pull his mouth away from her. He was completely pussy drunk and fuck he started growling because holy shit she was still squirting.

Yunho’s conscious was screaming at him to stop, that he has fucked up beyond fixing but he had been fighting himself for so long, constantly arguing with that conscious since the day he realized his two best friends had become more then just friends. And fuck he needed more.

“I… can’t…” y/n couldn’t barely speak, completely overstimulated and breathless as she pulled at Yunho’s hair. She couldn’t handle him down there anymore.

Yunho was panting, face glistening from her juices, the collar of his shirt wet and soaked from where she squirted, his hair as well, plastered to his forehead. He leaned his head against her thigh, catching his breath before pulling her up with him, y/n legs wrapping around his waist, arms latching onto him as he carried her inside Mingi’s room.

He had completely crossed a line but he couldn’t find himself caring anymore. The light in the room came from the white fairy lights that lined the ceiling of Mingi’s room, Yunho felt the back of his legs hit the bed, practically falling onto the mattress when y/n shimmied herself out of his arms.

Yunho sat, watching her as y/n dropped to her knees in front of him. His conscious was screaming at him to stop. He’d gone too far already and fucking her, in Mingi’s room at that, was probably a big no. But he was still a little drunk so any rational thinking was going unheard and Yunho had been waiting for this, dreaming about this moment for so long.

He didn’t say a word as he watched her unzip his pants, her small hands fighting the button for only a moment before freeing his now somewhat painful bulge still hidden in his underwear. “Fuck” Yunho groaned a sigh of relief, his gaze suddenly catching sight of the scene of them in the mirror. He now understood why Mingi liked that mirror so much.

The sight of y/n on her knees in front of him, hands finding the waistband of his underwear, pulling them back, his dick finally free and the look in y/n eyes all hunger and need at the sight of him…. fuck, he was gonna ruin her. “Do you want it?” His voice no longer familiar to her, it was so much deeper, huskier and dominant. Y/N reached a hand out to wrap around him but Yunho stopped her, his much larger hand grabbing her wrist.

“Put your hands behind your back.”

Y/n felt her pulse quicken, shocked at this dominant side of him that he kept hidden. She waited until he let her wrist go, moving to grasp her hands together behind her back and obediently waited for him to tell her what to do next.

Yunho stood, y/n backing up just a little to give him room as he removed his pants and underwear fully. She didn’t dare move to take him in her mouth no matter how bad she wanted to as she watched him wrap one of his hands around himself, stroking his length. He was just a little bigger then Mingi, a little longer, a tad thicker and she needed him to fill her, ruin her.

Y/N was growing impatient, Mingi was never really this dominant, he would grow too impatient to ever be, she just wanted some friction already, wanted him in her mouth, in her sopping cunt that was already aching again. “Yunho hurry up and…” the annoyance and brattiness in her voice was cut short when yunho gripped a hand in her hair, guiding the tip of his dick, the precum smearing against her lips like lip balm “take it.”

Finally! Y/N opened her mouth, gagging, her hands behind her back tightening against each other when she felt him sheath his entire length, his tip hitting the back of her throat, tears brimming in her eyes as she gagged. “Look at you..” Yunho brought his other hand that wasn’t tangled in her hair up to gently stroke her cheek. “you’re already a fucking mess.”

Y/N moaned at his words, the sensation causing him to close his eyes as the vibrations coursed his dick, he thrusted once before snapping his eyes back open, his grip in her hair tightening as his other hand left her face to join his other, tightly tangling itself in her hair before he started thrusting, fucking her mouth, y/n struggling to breathe through her nose as tears streamed down her face from the constant gag and the way his grip in her hair tightened with every thrust, spit pouring out the creases of her mouth taking him.

Yunho watched himself in the reflection of the mirror, they looked absolutely filthy together. The definition of sin as he fucked her face, the sight alone almost had him cum down her throat. Y/N took the opportunity when Yunho paused his movements to pull her head back, his dick popping from her mouth. She caught him off guard, grabbing his arms, his grip on her hair letting go as he fell back on the bed behind him.

Y/N quickly climbed atop him, straddling him and moaning when she felt his length touch her aching cunt, she was so wet she was sure she left a dripping trail on the floor. Yunho gripped her waist watching as she pulled his shirt up and over her head, tossing it carelessly in the room. “You’re so fucking perfect.” He sat up with her, quick to remove his own shirt before his mouth latched onto her nipple, pulling the hardened bud into his mouth lapping at it with his tongue.

As Yunho moved from one breast to another, y/n took his distraction to wrap her arm around his shoulders, pulling herself up, causing Yunho to smother himself a little as he sucked her other nipple into his mouth. The leverage allowed y/n to guide him quickly to her slick wet sex, his tip right at her entrance and she sank herself down, a moan leaving them both, Yunho pulling his head back from her breast, laying back, hands gripping so tightly at her waist it was sure to bruise. Fuck. She took his entire length in one go, stretching her and hitting that spot inside her already, his tip practically grasping at her g spot.

Y/N was in control now, her hands resting against his abdomen as it was as far as she could reach up his torso to continue riding him, her pace slow and tortuous to Yunho. The rhythm she had set not enough for him but she was a moaning mess atop him. Lifting herself up his length, stopping at the tip and slamming herself back down again. Yunho let her continue for a moment longer until he just couldn’t take it anymore.

Yunho sat up, wrapping his arms around y/n and pushing her down, laying her to be splayed out below him. He lost count how many times he had gotten himself off to this exact image made up in his head. But this wasn’t his imagination. He finally knew what it was like to be buried inside her. What it was like to make her come undone. To hear her moan his name. And he had no idea how he will ever be able to live without it again. “Fucking tease.”

He pulled her legs to wrap around his waist, leaning down and kissing her. He was starting to feel guilty. Like an asshole. Fucking his best friend’s girlfriend on said best friend’s bed had to be a new kind of low. Y/N reached for him, hands tangling in his messy hair, gasping a moan when he pushed his dick back inside of her, not stopping until he filled her full.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this..” Yunho leaned his forehead against her own, both glistening with small amounts of sweat. He didn’t move, loving just the feel of her clenching him, desperate for him to move. “Probably as long as I have”

Yunho pulled back so he could see y/n face his movement causing him to thrust very gently. Y/N moaned, eyes pleading with him to just fuck her already. “What?”

“Yunho… please just fuck me!” She was begging him now, moving her own hips to try and get some friction. Yunho stilled her with a hand on her throat. Y/N froze, gulping, heart racing. His hand didn’t grip her too tight or anything, just applied enough pressure to make her once again clench around him and moan. It took everything in Yunho to not start pounding the shit out of her. He needed answers.

“You want me?” Obviously he knew she wanted him right now, he was balls deep inside her, but did she want him before? Had she always wanted him? “What do you think?” Y/N huffed, once again trying to rut her hips up but he simply gave his hand around her throat a gentle squeeze, his other hand gripping her hip and holding her in place. “Say it.” His voice was a deep command and y/n clenched around him again. She could cry, damn it! She just wanted him to fuck her already.

“Yes! I want you! I’ve always wanted you! I still want you! Yunho please I…”

She was cut off from the deep hard thrust, the hand on her throat tightening, not enough to hurt her but just enough to have y/n feel dizzy, from the choking or the way Yunho was fucking her so good, she wasn’t sure but she loved it.

“Fuck…” he watched himself disappear inside her beautiful, soaked cunt, the lewd noises the dirtiest shit he’s ever heard. “you take me so fucking good.” He looked up to see them in the mirror. The sight absolutely filthy. Y/N head hanging halfway off the edge of the bed, her moans turning into loud almost screams, his name leaving her as he watched himself grip her shaking legs, pounding her pussy, her beautiful tits bouncing with every hard thrust.

Yunho loved that fucking mirror.

“I’m… Yunho…” y/n was close, he could feel it on the way she started clenching him repeatedly and so was he. “Me too..” he quickened his pace, thrust starting to become sloppy just as y/n came, hard clamping her walls around him so tightly, the sight of her creaming his dick causing a strangled moan to leave him. “Y/N… where…. I’m gonna cum….”

She pulled him down against her, kissing him through her euphoric high. “Fill me up, baby, please” who was he to deny her? Her words alone had Yunho cumming on demand. He felt himself fill her up as he continued thrusting, y/n already overly stimulated, cried out as she felt one last orgasm rip through her, legs shaking as she tightened her arms around him.

“Fuck….” Yunho panted as he finally stopped his thrusting, pulling back to watch y/n squirt all over him, his cum and her own juices mixing together and leaking out of her hole as he pulled his dick out. “Yunho…” y/n hissed as two of his fingers pushed the leaking fluids back inside of her, his knuckles brushing her swollen sensitive clit. “Sorry,” Yunho looked at her, smirking. “I didn’t want it to go to waste.” Oh! Y/N face blushed red. He was absolutely dirty.

Yunho was glad that they would both be off work for the holidays because there was no way he’d be albe to function properly at work after that.

It had to be extremely late and Yunho had it confirmed after a shower, he shared with y/n, just a shower mind you, he had then helped her change the sheets on the bed, Mingi’s bed, before y/n crawled under the blankets, hair still damp from the shower with another one of Yunho’s shirts on as he walked into his bedroom to grab his phone where he had left it on the floor. It was just after 3:00 am. Late indeed and Yunho was exhausted.

There was one thought plaguing him as he nuzzled into bed next to y/n, cuddling her from behind.

He just stabbed Mingi in the back.

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tag list: @patchofblue @sungjin-spoon-hands @peachyyunhoe @oddin4ry @straycat420 @nakiiko @neobitch127

[st7rnioioss]

౨ৎ⋆ ˚｡⋆ arguments with bf!matt headcanons pt. 2

matt sturniolo x reader

warnings: fluff, idk??😫 some are kiiind of suggestive, sorry i cant help it

a/n: hello hello, long awaited part 2😛 enjoy😇 i fell asleep btw HELP i’m so sorry i took so long

part 1

౨ৎ

- Wanting to sleep on the couch because you got into an argument? Not happening. Matt is picking you up when he’s sure you’re asleep, gently placing you in your shared bed, pulling you closer (angry cuddles - pt. 1). Even tho you’re still upset with each other, he’s not going to bed without you beside him.

- (suggestive!!) Matt noticed you had gotten jealous because he posted a picture with a past girlfriend. He’d laugh it off at first, laughing at your stern face, pulling you in to kiss you. He quickly made sure to show you how much he loves you. (as in spending the whole night in his room, making sure when you wake up tomorrow you’re sure he’s the only girl he could ever want).

- I can never imagine Matt fighting for real with his girlfriend. I feel like both of you would realise it was built up stress or tiredness and had nothing to do with each other. After yelling for a bit he’d pull you in for a hug, whispering ‘sorry’.

- (suggestive!!) If he’s cocky enough he’d have make-up sex with you. Soft, slow sex, whispering countless times how sorry he is and how much he loves you. He wouldn’t do this all the time as he prefers to talk it out. Getting to understand exactly what you’re feeling and why, and the other way around.

- Taking you on late night drives!! He’d pull you into the passenger seat even tho you protested, driving around town, maybe getting food, talking it out like this. You didn’t protest though, deep down this is one of your favourite ways to spend time with Matt.

- One time you had gotten so upset you left his house to go to your own, even tho you practically lived with the triplets. Friday rolled around, and Thursday night there was no car video recorded yet. Saturday morning you checked your phone, realising they hadn’t posted their Friday video. You got concerned, going to their house to find Nick and Chris in the living room.

‘Is everything alright? I noticed you guys didn’t post anything yesterday.’ you asked as you sat beside Nick, Chris looking up from his phone.

‘Yeah, Matt is fucking miserable. I don’t know, he said you guys got into an argument this Tuesday. He haven’t left bed.’ Chris mumbled, looking back down on his phone.

Immediately you sat up, finding Matt huddled up in his bed. There was dark, the curtains still shut, no light from his phone. You tiptoed closer, realising he was asleep. He looked peaceful, but you couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Your clothes was in Matt’s closet, taking a hoodie and a pair of pyjamas pants to cuddle up against Matt’s back. He must’ve waken up, because he mumbled a low ‘is it you? y/n?’, turning his head.

‘Yeah, it’s me. I’m so so sorry, Matt.’ you smiled apologetically, caressing his cheek with your thumb. His expression softened, leaning in to kiss your lips.

‘God, I’ve missed that.’ he whispered, a smile tugging on his lips before he leaning in again.

- After having an episode like this (literally one time), he’d take you out the next day. You insisted it should be the other way around since you had been in the wrong, but Matt insisted on taking you (in reality he just wanted to be ‘friends again’).

- I CANT STOP MAKING SCENARIOS, BUT FOLLOW ALONG.

‘Matt, you’re annoying. Go away.’ I hissed, pushing Matt away from attempting to kiss me with a hand on his chest. I was keeping my gaze on my phone in front of me. I had moved to the couch after our tiny discussion.

‘Oh, come on. Are you still mad?’ Matt smirked, kind of amused by your reaction. It seemed like nothing to him, but you were pretending to be pissed.

‘You’re not funny. Move, I can’t see my phone.’ I pushed his head away. Matt stood up, looking at me for a second before returning to his room.

After a tiny hour, I felt my eyes getting droopy. It was scrolling mindlessly, my eyes half closed. I decided to stand up as my head was literally tilting to the side.

Almost falling over my own feet, I stumbled into Matt’s room, dropping to my knees onto his bed. ‘Someone changed their mind, hm?’ Matt teased, looking up from his phone.

‘Shut up.’ I mumbled, closing my eyes as my head hit his chest, cuddling up in his covers. I almost instantly fell asleep, the last thing I noticed being Matt turning off the light, pulling me closer with a kiss on the top of my head.

- If Matt had to leave early the next day after an argument, I’m so convinced he’d leave a small note or letter along with a flower (or two) on the kitchen counter

a/n: if you couldn’t tell, i was running out of ideas🤩

taglist: @chrissgirlsstuff @leah-loves-lilies @toriinie @cupidzsq @lacysturniolo @iluvmattyb @ratatioulle @emma4eva @riasturns @sstvrnioloo @sweetbabydoe @elliewrites1 @its-jennarose @abbypost let me know if you'd like to be added!

[starsstuddedsky]

Doyoung as your brother's best friend...

(wc: 1.7k, non idol au, mentions of food, alcohol, reader has a mother/family, i really dont know what this is)

who you were always fond of because he was way nicer to you than your brother ever was growing up (a pretty low bar, but a win is a win)

he graduates before you and you see him only a couple times a year when your brother would hang out with him, which fizzles out and suddenly you realize you haven’t seen him in five years 

you finish college and get a great job offer except it’s a city five hundred miles away from home and you don’t know anyone, until your mother mentions Doyoung moved there a year or so ago and says something like you should reach out

to which you think no thank you but you politely say you’ll see what he’s up to 

and you don’t give it a second thought, you meet a few friendly people at work and try to call your old friends as much as you can but loneliness has a way of seeping into the empty corners of your room and the quietness of 9:56pm on a Tuesday 

so you figure a hinge date or two isn’t the worst idea

hey, guess what’s the worst idea? 

the first man you decide to go on a date with spends the first hour bragging about his job and how he’ll be able to retire by the time he’s 35 and simply does not stop talking about himself

you’re sure you’ve given help me eyes to every person that’s walked past but no one takes pity on you, until you’re looking into a familiar pair of eyes 

Doyoung doesn’t hesitate to stride up to you, saying “I’ve been looking everywhere for you, why haven’t you been looking at your phone?” and “The doctor’s say he won’t make it much longer!” 

it isn’t difficult to follow him out of the café and listen to him throw out fake medical terms until you’re around the corner 

he slows after that and you realize he’s gotten even taller and let his hair grow out a little

before you can tease him about the hair, he asks if you’re busy and when you say no, he drags you to the coin laundry to watch his clothes spin around 

sitting on the plastic chairs and sipping paper cups from the water dispenser, you trade stories, amazed at the Doyoung from your memory and the Doyoung that sits in front of you

he’s changed so much (he spends his free time painting and going to art museums) and not at all (still ducks his head when he’s feeling shy and smiles with his eyes just as much as his lips) 

you try to pretend like you aren’t stealing looks at him. he isn’t nearly as successful.

you walk to his apartment, only a couple blocks away and it’s gotten so late that he insists you spend the night, saying that your mom would kill him if he let you walk alone this late and to just take the couch 

to which you protest, because, honestly, what would his mother say not offering the bed? and he just rolls his eyes and gives you his best pillow 

except he must have really never slept on the couch because it’s actually so uncomfortable that you can’t sleep. when Doyoung gets up for a middle-of-the-night bathroom break, he finds you watching a crime show

despite making fun of you for it, he sits beside you and it’s actually way more comfortable when you’re using his shoulder as a pillow and then it’s suddenly morning and you wake up fully in his arms, meeting his smug smile

he does not waste time making fun of you, saying “what was that about the couch being uncomfortable?” and “are you sure you didn’t just want to sleep with me?” and pretending he wasn’t just as flustered

even though it’s daylight, he still walks you home and you find you don’t mind it at all. in front of your door, neither of you can figure out how to say you want to keep seeing each other, especially since you aren’t sure if it’s in a flirty context or not and what any of that would entail

finally you tell him your apartment has laundry, if he doesn’t want to pay for it and he says somehow he thinks you’re going to cost way more than a laundromat but he’s smiling 

Doyoung slowly becomes a fixture in your life and even when you truly befriend your coworkers and become particularly close with one of the baristas in the coffee shop next to your apartment, he’s always the first person you think of–when you get a commendation at work, when you have another fight with That One Coworker, when you stub your toe. and he tells you about his constant fight with the owner of a dog on his floor that thinks it’s okay to let their dog pee on Doyoung’s doormat, and you hear all about his friends before you finally meet them 

there are countless “almost” moments–telling him about this guy at work who flirts with you more blatantly than Doyoung himself and when you pause after saying you told him you have someone, he doesn’t say anything so you just say it was a lie to get the guy off your back; holding your hand on your birthday (after cooking a five course meal for you) but letting go before you even reach your apartment; staying over at his apartment again and refusing to sleep on the bed but he builds a wall of pillows between you “so you don’t feel uncomfortable”; waiting for the bus after drinking with his friends under a flickering streetlight where you think for sure he’s going to kiss you but he ducks away before you can let the fantasy dip into reality 

you know you have to talk to him about it directly (especially since all of your friends say that he’s as in love with you as you are with him) but every time you try to do it you freeze up and you can’t get the words out 

but when the holidays come around, you go to visit family with him and realize Just How Much you’ve changed around him

you’ve completely forgotten how to be normal around him, how to look at him without hearts in your eyes, but you’ll die if your family asks you what’s going on and you don’t have an answer, so you steel yourself up for a Doyoung-less Christmas 

it goes really well until Day 2 when your mother announces Doyoung and his family will be coming over for dinner. to make matters worse, your brother finally shows up and it becomes very clear 1) he and Doyoung still talk all the time and 2) Doyoung has not mentioned how close he’s become with you 

you try your very best to pull stories out of everyone else, since you can’t seem to mention anything about your life that doesn't include Doyoung, which apparently is true for him, you discover as he tries his best to tell the story about the time he wound up halfway across the city with a dead phone and no way to get back without telling them you were right there with him (ultimately failing since you were the one who ran into a friend who let you into their apartment to charge your phones) 

after dinner your brother and Doyoung disappear and maybe you’re being paranoid but you swear everyone is looking at you

so you go ahead and vanish into your childhood room, thinking about anything except your brother’s best friend who’s become your… (damn you really thought you’d have a word for him that time) 

an hour or so later, your brother knocks at the door and asks to come in (already scary since he’s always just busts in and purposefully leaves the door wide open). he sits down and says he doesn’t care what happens between you and Doyoung but not to hide anything on his account and you’re like okay well there’s nothing to hide and he’s like if my dumbass can pick up on the vibes, there’s something to hide so go figure it out and you’re like wait what did Doyoung say and he rolls his eyes and mutters something like “I am not doing this” and tells you Doyoung is waiting for you outside 

you did not sprint down the steps, no matter what anyone says. it was a controlled pace, one foot per step, hand gripping the railing to keep you upright 

Doyoung waits for you like your brother said, sitting on the porch swing wearing his winter jacket with his hands stuffed into the pockets, and he perks up when you come out the door 

you sit beside him, trying not to lean into him and letting the cold air warm from the tension between you. there’s a couple heartbeats of silence, your breath hanging in the air in front of you before you manage to get the words out. 

“i like you” 

silly words, immature words, not the right words for how you feel, but you can’t quite figure out what those might be. 

“it’s like mixing paint,” he says and you think maybe there really aren’t any right words, but he keeps going. “at first you think ‘wow i used way too much blue and this will never look right’ but you keep mixing it together and even though it isn’t the color you wanted it to be, you’ve found a whole new color and it changes the painting completely but it makes it so much better.” he pauses before admitting, “maybe it isn’t the perfect analogy. my point is, i wasn’t expecting you at all, but you make my life so much better.” and another couple seconds for him to remember he’s got something else to say. “oh, and i like you, too. if it wasn’t obvious."

it’s stupidly like a movie when the snow starts to fall, but you’ve been waiting far too long to kiss him, so you won’t let the feeling that this is a bad hallmark movie stop you

what does stop you is hearing half your family cheering through the window when you scoot closer to him 

(your first kiss happens a couple days later on a secluded hike in the woods) 

(a few years later at the wedding, one of your cousins pulls up footage that can only be described as stalker-like) 

and you never sleep on his crappy couch again (though you do stay over, even when it isn’t late), and he keeps doing laundry in your apartment until his lease is finally up and he moves into a bigger apartment that just so happens to have enough space for you

(oh, and it has in-unit laundry too) 

a/n: i swear i have been writing i just haven't been finishing but i got 2/3 of sending this to bestie before i realized this is a writing format so yeah. idk this is very much my delusional stream of consciousness but tell me im wrong. go ahead. tell me.

[daydream-cement]

Cold Dead Heart Ch. 8

Marilyn Thornhill x OC (Rowan Ali)

Authors Note: OOF

Larissa paused, trying to find her sentence before she began again, “Fern. I really like you. I wanted to see if you…” She took a deep breath, “I wanted to ask if you would want to make our relationship exclusive. Would you want to-“

Fern watched her flounder for the correct words. A sympathetic smile pulling at the corner of her mouth. Slowly she approached Larissa, taking her hands, “Yes, Larissa. I’ll be your girlfriend.”

Neither the shapeshifter or the plant manipulator saw the jealous redhead lurking in the darkness of the foliage of the conservatory. 

—

You had been distant with everyone after receiving the letter from Marilyn. It had been three weeks since she broke your heart and a week since she stopped calling on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You completed your classes, did your work, and went straight back to your room, knowing if Fern asked just the right questions, you would fall to pieces. Occasionally you would send a text to Fern, checking in on her now exclusive relationship with Larissa so she wouldn’t become suspicious. 

While you were heartbroken about Marilyn still being in love with Larissa, you refused to cry over a normie. You were starving and it had been far too long since you had eaten, but the heartache you felt made any blood unappetizing.You wrapped yourself in the red silk sheets of your bed and stared at a stack of unread letters from Marilyn. Should you read them? Should you burn them? 

A gentle rapping on your front door caused you to groan in annoyance, pulling the covers over your head. You hoped whoever it was would go away if you simply ignored them, but the knocking persisted. Heat rose up through your body in the form of rage. You tore the sheets from your body, storming to the front door and ripping it open, “WHAT?”

A chill ran down your spine. 

Marilyn.

You stared at one another for a long while. Were you dreaming? 

“You haven’t answered my calls or my letters.” She pushed past you, entering your quarters without asking. Wonderful, now you were harboring a fugitive as there was no way she had gotten off on good behavior. She was dressed in jeans and a dark sweatshirt, her red hair pulled back into a ponytail and covered by thesweatshirt’s hood. 

“I’ve been busy.” You glance out into the hallway, hoping she hadn’t been seen. Quickly, you shut your front door and turn the lock over before turning back to Marilyn who was stalking towards you. Her hands were on you in a flash, fingers gripping the fabric of your nightgown. 

You shock yourself when you put a hand between the two of you, keeping her from coming any closer. As you gaze down into her eyes, you are met with her look of confusion and disappointment, “Wh-what’s wrong, Rowan?”

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” You repeat her question back to her, unable to hide your undeniable rage for this woman. For months, you have been falling in love with this woman, then she betrays you, somehow earns your trust and adoration back, breaks your heart once again, and now she is here in your apartment. Your hunger and rage began mixing together creating an insatiable urge to kill Marilyn, “You are lucky I don’t rip your throat out.”

“Excuse me?” Marilyn took one step backwards, but you were already on top of her, your hands reaching out to grip her throat. For the first time in your life, you truly understood what it meant to see red. Her beautiful brown eyes were filled with fear. It almost made you wonder what the rush of cortisol and adrenaline made her blood taste like. You felt the most primal urges towards her and you were struggling to decide if you wanted to kill her.

“Rowan, please. No. Rowan. Rowan!” Marilyn’s hands were grasping at yours which was tightening, enjoying the feeling of her struggling to breathe. Pushing her backwards, you force her back into your bedroom. She was no match for your strength or speed. You force her down to the bed, your legs straddling her torso. Marilyn tries fighting against you but you catch her hands on your own, pinning them to the bed, “ROWAN! Why are you doing this? Please, no! NO!”

You gather both of her hands in your left, pinning them above her head, “I’m going to drain you of every last drop…”

Marilyn attempted to wriggle free of your grasp, but you were far stronger and determined in killing her. You gaze down into her face, feeling a twisted form of satisfaction at her pain and fear in this moment. Maybe she could begin to feel some part of the agony that she caused you to endure. You push against her jaw, opening her neck to you. You couldn’t deny that you enjoyed her begging for mercy, “Please, Rowan! Don’t kill me.. Please, I thought we were friends!”

You dip down, pressing a kiss to her neck. Pulling away for a fraction of a second, you are reminded of all the times you have been in a similar position with different intentions. You decide to take your time by swiping your tongue up her neck to relish in the emotional distress you were causing her. God, you had forgotten how delectable her skin tasted and you knew deep down that the blood underneath would be even sweeter. The taste of her skin made you waver in whether or not you would want to kill her. Could you really let something this divine go to waste just for one meal?

Perhaps you could just have a taste. If you stopped yourself, you could just let her go afterwards and she could walk free, never to return again. The only way she could transition into a vampire is if you allowed her to drink from you in return. You questioned your ability to control yourself, but when Marilyn groaned beneath you, you were unable to control yourself from sinking your fangs into her neck. 

From the moment the first drop of blood hit your tongue, you knew that you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself. You wanted to gorge on her blood until you could consume no more. 

It was the sweetest blood you had tasted in all your life. The rage began to dissipate, leaving behind the desire you always had for Marilyn causing your grip loosened on her face and hands. Marilyn took immediate advantage of this and pressed her hands to your cheeks, making one final plea for her life, “Rowan. I love you, p-please…”

—

After her admitting her love, you immediately tried distancing yourself from her in any way possible. You sent her from your room, closed the door after her, and immediately headed to the shower where you could douse your body in cold water. The taste of her lingered in your mouth. If she hadn’t stopped you, then you would have surely killed her. 

Her words lingered in your mind as the icy water hit your face. Could she have meant it? Earlier she said you were friends, so perhaps it was a friendly form of love and this wasn’t the type of love you were seeking from her. Pressing your hands against the shower wall, you let the water fall over your head, trying to push down all the anger and bitter sadness you felt from her presence. 

When you emerged from the shower, you wrapped your hair in a towel and chose to layer yourself in clothes, not wanting to risk the temptation of any contact with her skin against yours if she is still in your apartment. Upon leaving your bedroom, Marilyn is sitting in the center of your sofa, her eyes focused on the coffee table centerpiece as she stared off into space. You couldn’t believe that she was still there after you attempted to kill her. 

Marilyn looked paler than normal and she seemed to sway back and forth ever so slightly. The blood loss was probably significant. Instead of speaking to her, you move to the kitchen, filling a glass with water and pulling a granola bar from a small stash of snacks you kept for Fern. You set both before her, “You should eat and drink something. It will help.”

Marilyn glanced up at your warily before reaching out to take the glass of water, her hands shaking as she raised it to her lips. You felt disgusted as a small pang of guilt throbbed in your chest. You refused to apologize, however. After everything she had done to you and Nevermore, she truly deserves much more pain than what you had put her through. You stared down at her, folding your arms over your chest, “You can’t stay here. Why are you even here in the first place?”

Marilyn looked up at you with sleepy eyes, “I needed to… I needed out…”

“You are in jail for a reason. You tried murdering my students. You are unwell and need to go back to a place where you can work through your issues.” You glared down at her, not wanting her to see any vulnerability from you. She would most likely try to wield it against you. 

“Rowan…” Her voice was soft, pleading with you. You hated the control she had over you. Desperately, you wanted to sit down on the couch with her, pull her into your embrace, and hold her until she fell asleep. It’s too bad you lacked self control. You circled the coffee table and sat next to her, causing her to immediately lean into you. 

How could she want to be near you right now? You had just attempted to kill her. 

Was it because she truly loved you? Was it because she was continuously trying to manipulate you to achieve her own selfish agenda? 

The more her body weight fell into you, the more you took her body into your arms. You laid back on the couch, Marilyn resting on your chest as she was overwhelmed by the need for sleep. The sensation of her body pressed down against you was incredibly soothing for you. This certainly was a dramatic change from a half hour ago when you had her pressed to the bed, ready to watch the life drain from her eyes. 

You could feel the rise and fall of her chest and the smell of her hair made your eyes flutter shut. Everything about her made you feel incredibly at home. 

It was too bad that when you awoke the next morning, your arms were left empty. Instead a note was left behind on the coffee table that read, I should be home later tonight. I have work to do. -M 

The part that stung the most was the little heart she drew by her first initial.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, JULY 31, 2018 My misting fan came yesterday and it was cool to watch AMZL’s progress on the map they provide. I checked it out when they were in the park and 8 stops away.

The raspberry-colored fan is great. I just gotta be careful not to touch the plastic fan blades.

Had one of those nights where I was up forever, didn’t sleep long, and slept shitty when I did. I think I was even woken up one time when I was lying on my bad ear. You really have to be laying on the ear the earbud is in to get a good seal. But I can’t fit one in the bad ear. :(

As I’ve asked a million times in life, why do I always have to get the project/company junkies for neighbors? I looked out the window at around 8:30 and saw seven or eight vehicles visiting the Twenties. I was surprised because it’s a weeknight but then should I really be? Fortunately, they left quietly since I wasn’t in the mood to listen to door slamming when the planes were bad enough.

Anyway, I’m tired of being tired and I don’t know why I haven’t gotten used to it yet. Aly says it’ll take a while but I’ll probably get used to it like she did after going through a vicious cycle of being sleep-deprived and having no choice but to get used to it. Well, my body sure is slow to catch on. I definitely need to learn to get used to it so I can live my life! I hate this not being able to do things on days that I’m really tired. So much for thinking the earbuds and vitamin D would help. And as for bananas being great for energy? Yeah, right! The longer this goes on, the more likely it’s just who I’ve become as with the weight. Only extra weight is a hell of a lot easier to get used to!

Last night I dreamed that I was either staying with or living with Aly. I don’t know where our guys were but she and I were sharing a bed. She would tell people how great I was at keeping the house clean, and one night, she took me to a dance contest and was really eager for me to give it a try. However, I didn’t feel the least bit confident because it had been so long since I was into any kind of dancing. But then I did a few seconds of dance moves in the corner of the room that I don’t even know and thought, wow, not bad. Not that bad at all. Maybe I really can win this thing.

Then my mother appeared and said something negative as was customary for her.

In the second dream, it was nighttime and I was riding on this large lawn mower that Tom had programmed down a steep sprawling country hill. I looked to my right and saw a dinosaur skeleton that had been erected for decoration, plus a cow grazing nearby.

I knew there was a road to my left and I hoped no one would come by and interfere with the mower that was taking me down the hill. I kept my eyes in front of me so I wouldn’t fall off the thing which was kind of narrow, hoping I wouldn’t see the glow of headlights signaling someone was behind me. I didn’t, and I continued to ride the lawn mower which was some kind of robot like our Roomba, as it was going to mow certain sections of grass. It was programmed to go out at night when there would be less traffic since it might have had to cross a road. I don’t know why I was on it. I guess I just wanted to go for a ride while it was at it and it seemed like a beautiful night, wherever I was.

MONDAY, JULY 30, 2018 Thought I would do some writing while I’m waiting for my misting fan to be delivered. That should definitely help keep me cooler on the treadmill. I swear if there’s any time I do wish it was winter it’s when I’m working out or sleeping.

Ordered a tea sampler of different kinds of black tees on Amazon, the adorable rat tote with a picture of a young Berkshire rat on it, plus my Amberen. Fatigue has definitely been picking up so that’s why I’m getting the Amberen. It’s a miracle that I got in an hour on the treadmill with how tired I’ve been so far today. I had a second cup of coffee and that seemed to perk me up a bit but it’s short-lived.

The first perfume atomizer from the perfume subscription I joined should arrive at the end of the week.

Now to catch up on dreams. I had some dream about dust blowing in through the wall outlets. At first, I was confused as hell and had no idea where it was coming from. But then I looked out the window and saw that the park had cut down tons of trees and the dust was coming from that.

Then I had some dream of discovering on the phone that Tammy had left a message a while back. So I decided to check other devices to see if there were messages I’d missed from others.

In another dream, it was nighttime and Becky was walking by a room I sat in with the door open carrying a glass of ice water. I said something like, “You’re having ice water?”

She heard me but she looked annoyed and refused to answer me. Instead, she went into the room next door.

I got up and knocked on the door, worried that she might have gotten the wrong idea and feeling the need to explain myself. I pushed the door open and the room was dark yet I knew she and Sarah were in there. First I called to Sarah and then I called to Becky who said, “Yeah?”

I told her that when I asked if she was having water I didn’t mean to sound judgmental but that something or another was a sign of hypothyroidism so be sure to get help if she felt cold or tired.

Then I started dragging an artificial tree out of the room. It was heavy and I kind of hoped they’d volunteer to help but they didn’t.

Speaking of her my sister and nieces, who the hell are they to question what I post? Really, just who the fuck do they think they are? I have just as much right to post what I want just like they have a right to post what they want. I feel like others expect me to censor what I post to their taste and approval but they can share whatever they want without taking anyone into consideration. Well, fuck that! If they’re not going to be considerate enough to use the custom audience feature, why should I? Why should I care about anyone’s feelings if they’re not going to care about mine? From now on I’m not blocking anything unless it’s something that I post for a specific individual and not because I worry about their poor little fragile feelings.

SUNDAY, JULY 29, 2018 Got up feeling tired at 11 AM after taking Zyrtec the night before. Went back to sleep for nearly two more hours and then got up, still tired. Could be the steroid treatment but I’m almost done with the twice-daily treatments, then I’ll do them before bed. I think I’m just destined to struggle with fatigue a lot of the time no matter what, though.

Shortly after that, we went to Dairy Queen and I got a small M&M blizzard after losing more weight since I began walking like crazy 11 days ago. I hit down at 152.8 but still expect a reset. This will be the second day that fatigue will force me to take the day off. :( The blizzard was boring. I should have gotten the caramel one.

A typical modern-day couple was in there letting their brat scream, shout and climb all over the tables and grab everything it could get its hands on like the condiment holder.

We came back, ate the blizzards while we watched TV, then we went to change the rats’ cage. That’s when we noticed Burkey had gone. He was livid so he either died last night or he had just died. He could have slipped into an irreversible coma as when we tried to rouse him he was unresponsive. He almost certainly just died or died around midnight last night in which case rigor would have let go by then.

I looked at the cage when I got up to see if anyone was at the door begging for bread but there wasn’t so I just went about doing whatever I was doing.

There are four bushes in back of the house and we buried him between one of them. The other two will go between the other bushes. Poor Tom, though. He got stung by yellow jackets when he hit a nest but then got his revenge on the flying bastards by spraying them.

Hard to tell if the other two are sad or if they’re just inactive because they are old, after all, and I don’t expect them to live much longer. I just can’t believe they’re all from the same litter. Especially Dumbo. Can a Siamese rat come from the same litter a Berkshire rat came from? I have my doubts. Knowing how crazy the people were that we got them from, I can’t even trust that they were all born on May 13, 2016, as she said. All three litters born on the same day? She would have to have an awful lot of rats for those odds to occur. But we know they’re plenty old enough just by the amount of time we’ve had them and by how old they look and act.

I’m still horribly tired and I don’t know if part of it could be the Zyrtec, the steroid treatment, or stressing over my schedule, but I got on Tom about not installing the program on my computer sooner.

“We’ve got the program,” I said, “so why am I scheduling things blindly that are hit or miss?”

I’m almost certainly going to have to reschedule Dr. O. And when I do I should have the program right in front of me and he should make it available on his phone to schedule in-office appointments. Meaning, when we’re checking out of a doctor's visit and the receptionist is about to schedule the next appointment, he should have the program readily available to pull up so we don’t have to play hit or miss.

FRIDAY, JULY 27, 2018 The fucking water is to be off on the 31st from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. which is just fucking ridiculous even though I’ll be asleep through most of it.

Even though I don’t expect it to do me any good, I sent a message complaining about all the nighttime flying to the email address I was given by the McClellan Airport on Facebook.

Kind of tired today and hoping it’s not the steroid treatment. Otherwise, I’m doing laundry and soon I’ll do the grocery list.

Lost 4 lbs so far. So one more pound and then my dumbass body will go into reset mode.

Last night I had a dream that I was in this really strange jail, though I don’t know why. I sat alone at a picnic-like table in a small gym. At the end of the table, a radio sat playing a different version of a song I knew well, whatever that was. I turned the volume down at one point so I could hear the officer talking who would eventually come and speak with me about why I was there.

Behind the gym was a small field in which those who had been arrested were packed in, sitting on the ground in rows. There were about a couple hundred people. I knew that inside the jail there was a section for those who’d been sentenced. An older couple that may have been lawyers that encouraged someone to get into illegal gambling was arrested. The couple seemed very calm and the guy shrugged nonchalantly and said, “Happens sometimes,” as if to say it was no big deal.

As he was being led through the gym and to the backyard, I said, “All you have to do is say you didn’t know. Then again, isn’t it best to just say nothing at all?”

So I sat in the gym overnight and then once the sun came up, I was just outside the back of the gym where the yard was now empty. I was talking to some woman and getting a sense of my surroundings.

The woman said, “That’s the back,” pointing to the field, “and that’s the front.” A road ran by the front and the area in general looked kind of rural-ish.

THURSDAY, JULY 26, 2018 Water. That’s another pattern I see. 5 years of water issues in Maricopa, 5 years of water issues in Auburn, and 5 years of water issues here spells a curse to me. I’m seriously beginning to wonder if water is going to be an issue for us for the rest of our lives.

The night before last, I noticed the water was off at 10:30. Given how late it was I worried at first that the problem was us. By the time I crashed at 1:00, the water was still off.

In the morning, Tom not only called into work since he still has days off but also went out walking at around 7:30 and spotted one of the maintenance guys. He said the guy said it actually started leaking at 5:30 but because someone’s house began to flood, he couldn’t leave it on all night and had to turn it off at 9:30. He said it would be back on by 2:00 but it was around 9:00 when it was back on.

Really, I’m sick of this shit! It may be a picnic compared to the extreme health issues I was going through but it still gets old. So much for thinking I would be safe waiting to shower at night.

We picked up my steroid cream and grabbed a few fruits and veggies at Walmart. This time I’ll remember to apply the aqua barrier paste right after applying the steroid.

I ended up getting really gassy and slightly nauseous and was surprised that I didn’t end up having the runs. I just had to go a lot. I wonder if it might have been the cauliflower I ate. The spinach-artichoke dip? I doubt it. My guess is on the cauliflower.

I finished my project for camp and today I’ll begin editing. Don’t know yet if I’m going to submit it to my Amazon publishers or not.

Tom got his surprise electronics box yesterday which he gets every few months. Deciding I wouldn’t mind being surprised myself, I’m thinking I might sign up for one of those $10 perfume subscriptions and let them surprise me with a 30-day atomizer each month. I couldn’t find a perfume and nail polish combo and I don’t want to do a makeup one because I think they would send me too many things I didn’t need or want. I don’t need more than one tube of mascara but I can never get enough perfume!

Last night I dreamed about someone who named their daughters Hope, Paige, and Faith and thought how boring and ugly those names were.

Then I dreamed I was telling Tom that we should swap couches periodically in my second childhood home which we were living in. Apparently, there were four or five couches, some of them being fairly new, down in the basement.

In the next dream, it was nighttime when I saw Tom pull in. A bus was close behind. I knew I had to be on that bus but that it would be there for a few minutes, so I ran to the bathroom. It had to do with Valleyhead though I don’t know how. Before this, I was on the phone with Tom, concerned that he may have to be away for a few days for something beyond his control. I asked how many days he thought he would be gone and he said he didn’t know.

In the last dream, I was in a room watching something on a large screen TV at the crack of dawn. I paused whatever I was watching and went into a bathroom in which a chilly breeze was blowing through the window and closed it.

TUESDAY, JULY 24, 2018 “Want some cantaloupe?” I asked Tom.

“We’re already married so we cantaloupe,” he said.

LMAO!

Going to stay up as late as I can to help steer my schedule toward my appointment with Dr. O. It shouldn’t jeopardize Thanksgiving week when Aly should be here.

Went to my GYN thinking I would be sorry I wasted my time but I actually learned something quite valuable that I wish I’d known a long time ago. That’s that using the Cottonelle wet wipes is actually making me worse. She said even the ones for sensitive skin aren’t good. Aly said they irritated her as well. The doctor recommended I get Tucks instead.

She could see quite a bit of irritation down there and could barely get the speculum in because it was painful. It hurt when she took the swab she took to make sure I didn’t have any infections, which we don’t think I do.

I told her about visiting Folsom Dermatology and asked her about Gold Bonds and hydrocortisone. She looked up the active ingredient in Gold Bonds and said it shouldn’t harm anything but I mostly use that for when I get heat rashes in the groin area as opposed to the LP on my pussy.

It took her a while to find the information because Mercy’s system thought she was frolicking around so they make it hard to browse for information at times.

Hydrocortisone is in the same family as Clobetasol and Mometasone. She thinks my best bet is to go back on Mometasone and use it until it starts burning again. I have to remember to use a teeny bit otherwise it gets in my bloodstream and makes me tired.

We stopped at Walmart afterward but they were out of stock of Mometasone. That was fine, though, because he’s going to stop after work tomorrow anyway to pick some things up so he’ll get it then.

When we got home, Dr. G’s nurse left a message while he was enjoying the cooked hot dog and macaroni and cheese he got and I was partially enjoying my overcooked breaded shrimp and tilapia. I called back and she told me the same exact shit the doctor told me barely an hour ago. rolls eyes

The bad thing is that my right hip started killing me yesterday. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to continue working out this hard. I’ve taken today off and have had to take Ibuprofen and ice it. I’m not going to lose weight anyway. Yes, I dropped from 157.2 to 153.8 but now my body is going into reset mode. I’m not stuck (as in constipated) but my body is holding onto its weight for dear life by not burning what I’ve eaten today and jumping higher than it usually does during the day. I can tell I’m going to be up 2 pounds tomorrow. I don’t know why my body does this or why it feels it needs to keep the extra weight but it will simply not give it up no matter what I do. Once I get down to 152-153 it refuses to drop any more weight. I’m guessing the Hashimoto’s is making it think it needs it or something because I never had this problem before my thyroid crapped out.

Other than burning, itching, and a bum hip, I’ve been feeling wonderfully calm. I know the meds are going to catch up to me sooner or later, though.

I got the toe rings and they’re just slightly big. These are the ones with colored flowers and colored butterflies. They make for a good backup if anything happens to the toe rings I’m wearing right now.

We went to the pool at 4:00 and it was absolutely gorgeous. There were a few people there that were nice. The water was beautiful and it was fun.

I put a tea sampler in the cart for our next Amazon order, plus I’m also going to try white chocolate mocha tea which ought to be interesting.

I also found an adorable tote bag with a picture of a Berkshire rat on both sides. They have all kinds of animals and quite a variety of each one, too. I wish I could have found a review on the ones I checked out to see if anyone says the picture isn’t as clear as it appears to be online.

I have half a dozen or so more bronze figurines waiting for our big December order. I’ve got a few embracing couples and some ballerinas.

Saw Ray and his mutt as we were on our way out. As usual, he turned away and started talking to someone next to him when he recognized the car. At least that’s what appeared to be the case. His fucking house is still for sale. How much longer is this bastard going to be here? I can’t send the Facebook message I want to send him until we’re out of here. I mean I could but I would prefer to remain on good terms with the Twenties who are good friends with the asshole who I know damn good and well won’t hesitate to tell them about it. If the mouth is still alive when we move, it will get a piece of my mind then. Until then I’d like it gone.

MONDAY, JULY 23, 2018 We did an Amazon order yesterday, most of which arrived the same day. When Tom decided all my walking was inspiring him, he decided to get some pedals for $60 that he could use at his desk. He really wanted one for a couple of hundred dollars that had a seat but it wasn’t available. If he’s not happy with this one he’ll get it when it’s back in stock.

I ordered another K-Cup sampler box and went right for that wonderful wild raspberry when I got up today.

I also got a 12-pack of my Strawberry Fields Tic Tacs, a personal misting fan that hasn’t arrived yet, and a bullet vibe which is great for sore feet.

My right hip started acting up like it does when I do a lot of exercising but fortunately, it’s not that bad. I’m trying to make a point of doing stretching exercises more often.

Believe it or not, the loud car didn’t visit at all on Saturday but it came around yesterday. It came around once on Thursday and twice on Friday. So too much for comfort. It may as well live here, but if it did, it would be coming and going no less than three times a day so I’m glad it doesn’t. With the economy doing well and the cock being young, I find it hard to believe it’s about being broke. I think it’s more about being lazy or helping its parents with some project or through some illness. People just don’t visit their parents this often for this long. I don’t know, maybe they really did get kicked out and this is a punishment of sorts. But if they got kicked out how would they know their car had anything to do with it as opposed to their age? While it’s true that I would never have said anything if their car wasn’t almost worse than a motorcycle, they shouldn’t know that. With them on the other side of the circle, if they weren’t so loud, I would never have known they were living here. I probably wouldn’t have noticed their age from a distance. The only ones I noticed were the little girls.

It occurred to me the other day that I haven’t heard that obnoxious mutt I always wanted to go out and kick when I’d hear it. Maybe someone else took the honors.

What is it with all Bob’s blowing lately, though? It isn’t that time of year when the leaves are coming down like crazy so is he just that bored or something?

My schedule jumped fast these last few days as it usually does when I sleep at night because I sleep better regardless. I don’t think I’m ever going to sleep quite as well during the daytime no matter how quiet it is or what I have to block sound.

I dreamed we bought a beautiful modern three-bedroom, two-story house with a killer view. It definitely wasn’t that isolated and it was definitely somewhere in the desert. The houses weren’t set nearly as close as they are here but they weren’t hundreds of feet away either, at least not in all directions. But out of one window, I could see a vast valley of ocotillo plants and desert sage and things like that.

I can’t remember the layout of the first floor but I clearly saw the upper floor as having the master bedroom with a bathroom off of it on one side of the hallway while the other bedrooms and a bathroom that was between them were on the other side.

SUNDAY, JULY 22, 2018 My new workout bras arrived and they’re much more colorful in person than they appear to be online. They fit great too.

I also got the opal and diamond ring which is absolutely gorgeous, and a silver toe ring with sun designs that fits great.

Went to Walmart yesterday morning and loaded up on mostly fruits and veggies. Instead of two meals a day, I want to have just one and have fruits and veggies throughout the rest of the day.

Instead of going to the pool today, we’re going to go during the week when there’s less likely to be brats staying after hours. They shouldn’t be allowed in the pool at all. It’s a fucking adult community for God’s sake, and with them, there’s more of a chance of piss being in the pool.

I had a dream I was chatting with Kathleen and she was curious about my past. I said that although a lot of it wasn’t great, I wasn’t ashamed of it and wasn’t going to kid anyone about it or play it down to sound better either.

“You really want to know? The answers are right here,” I said handing her a printout of my bio.

She took it and said she would read it over the weekend.

FRIDAY, JULY 20, 2018 Yesterday I did 15 minutes of bike riding, about 10 minutes on the Bowflex, and nearly 2 hours of walking yet I amazingly don’t have a single sore muscle in my body. I thought I would wake up with sore hips or at least blistered feet but I’m good to go. The online jigsaw puzzles make it so much easier. I take breaks in between but it’s the only thing I can stand to do while spending lots of time on the treadmill because it’s so fun and addicting. I can’t do writing, editing, reading, or listen to music or watch TV for that long. I get bored in no time because the treadmill itself is kind of boring. Outdoor walking never bores me but with triple-digit temps, I’m not going to be out there walking for 2 hours given the fact that I didn’t become functional until sunup.

The puzzles take me anywhere from 10 minutes to a half-hour to do depending on how intricate they are and their colors and designs. They range between 100-150 pieces.

I still don’t think my new diet and increasing my exercise are going to make me lose more than a few pounds but I’m going to do it for a while anyway. My body simply doesn’t burn calories normally. It should at least make me healthier, stronger, give me more stamina, and make it harder for me to gain more.

Not really much else I can say. I’m enjoying the summer, doing some laundry now, and getting ready to make up the grocery list before I work on my Camp Nano story. I should win this one easily because I set the word count low and it is a very short story.

No change in Tom’s job. He’s still doing the same thing. Because it’s summer and baseball season is in (we’ve never been fans of the sport), and Crackerjacks and peanuts are popular things to get at baseball games, they gave everyone some Crackerjacks and peanuts. He hates nuts and isn’t into Crackerjacks, so the rats and I ate it. ;-)

Last night I dreamed I was on the phone scheduling what might have been a doctor’s appointment and was telling the woman I talked to that I was in law enforcement and had a seminar at the time she wanted to schedule me, so she bumped me up earlier in the day.

Then I was in what might have been a self-driving car on the phone with Tom. I told him I was already on “Damngoode Street,” so I was almost home. LOL

Then I was visiting or living in an RV where that loud car tried to get by the RV and couldn’t quite fit, so the RV had to pull away. I was hoping the damn thing would get tired of trying to squeeze by and start going around the block.

The most interesting dream was in Florida. It seems like we had just moved there. I wonder if it could mean anything although I wouldn’t think so this far in advance because I still think we’ll probably be here a half a decade or so. Anyway, in the dream, I was at some restaurant with Tom and we were sitting next to each other in a booth. Not sure who was across from us but they asked if we thought we’d ever live in the West again and I said no.

Then I was chatting with half a dozen young women when I got up to say I was going to go for a swim. Nearby was an indoor pool. Tom and my father sat in lounge chairs by it. I started to sign to my dad, “You can’t escape,” and was about to tell him that I used my Spanish on him yesterday so I would sign to him today. But then he said something insulting, though I’m not sure what it was. I walked away, a bit hurt that Tom didn’t defend me but knowing that’s just how he was.

I stepped toward the pool and realized that while I had a bikini top on, I didn’t have the bottoms underneath the pants or skirt I wore. So I returned to hang out with the girls. One of them asked if I was okay, sensing that I was now in a foul mood, but I smiled and said I was fine.

Speaking of my parents, it still makes me sick to this day not only what my mother did but also the way my dad let her do it. There she was doing her best to convince everyone I was a real headcase, but looking back on it, I can see the very angry and disturbed individual that she was and just how much she was the one in need of help. Ah, but she was “too good” for that. She was “better” than that and help was beyond anything she would dare lower herself into getting.

THURSDAY, JULY 19, 2018 It’s not even noon and already that car has been around twice. I just don’t understand the dedication. Who the hell visits their parents that often?!

Ordered a few toe rings, plus a finger ring, as well as a set of 6 XL bras in different colors. These are racer-backs so the straps won’t slip off. I just hope that even XL will be big enough for my ever-expanding body.

I realize that after numerous failed attempts to lose weight, my body isn’t going to just suddenly up and decide to respond to normal dieting and exercise. I’m going to have to come as close to starving myself as I can stand to. Just like the only way for me to quit smoking was to not smoke, the only way for me to lose weight is to not eat. Maybe I’ll make a game of it and imagine in my mind some crazy shit like Nane (she’s strangely been on my mind a lot lately) sneaking into the country, holding me hostage and starving me.

Was able to get an appointment for my GYN next Tuesday. I wish everybody could get me in that fast! Still don’t know that she can help me, but I’ll be seeing her anyway.

For one who isn’t much of a gamer, I’ve been totally addicted to doing jigsaw puzzles first on the phone and now on my laptop. They’re so much fun! There’s the site that has an awesome selection. Digital puzzles have come a long way since I first played them in the 90s.

Although I wrote this entry Wednesday afternoon, I probably won’t edit and post it until tomorrow. Maybe I’ll have some more interesting dreams to add to it then.

And we’re back! It’s Thursday morning and I have nothing really exciting to report as far as dreams go. I was overhearing Andy tell someone on the phone that his chances of finding love were going down due to his age. Then I was in Tammy’s bedroom, which didn’t look like her bedroom, watching TV. Then I was trying to kill some fast-moving bug that looked like a big black worm crawling up the wall but couldn’t remember where I last put the bug spray. Lastly, I was reading about some celebrity couple that had a child through an affair.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 18, 2018 Been doing quite a bit of burning and dreaming. Was burning down there so bad yesterday that I’m just about ready to cave and make an appointment with the GYN. I just hate to make yet another appointment! Even though Tom tells me to do what I have to do, I worry that costing his company more money would put his job at risk. But then there’s no saying how long we’ll have insurance in a country where it can be hard to get. It’s just that I’m afraid my only alternative will be a temporary solution that comes with side effects. Wish I could know if it would get any worse. If I knew it couldn’t I may try to learn to just tough it out and adapt. I still live in the fear of it overtaking my entire body, though. I hate to think that I’m going to have to battle this thing for the rest of my life. I keep thinking there’s got to be something that can help make it better more often like the mouth guard helped my TMJ. I just hope it doesn’t take me 12 years to figure out what it is!

Other than waking up to the non-stop buzzing of planes which gets worse and worse each year, I went for a quick bike ride around the circle.

Checked in with Aly and Kim and now the rats are out and about.

The first dream I remember had to do with discovering that the sex doll’s tits were removable. Not the tits but whatever they were filled with which I guess was gel padding. I had multiple dolls in the dream and Tom was saying that I could remove them all and return them for a refund. I told him that wouldn’t work since I no longer had their receipts. Then I got the bright idea to make pillows and seat cushions out of them.

In the second dream, I was hired to sing in a band but one of the girls involved complained about the way I pronounced some words and I said she could blame it on my accent.

The last dream was about Nane. I love it when I dream of her even though I know I’m never going to hear from her again and I doubt she’ll ever even unblock me. I guess she was some kind of inspector either before or during her time as an accountant.

Anyway, I walked up to her place which was surrounded by a wooden deck and stairs. It was more like stackable cottages than apartments. Her door was open and I walked into her living room and sat on a couch. I saw that her bathroom door was closed and figured she was in there showering.

Not wanting to startle or anger her when she came out, I decided it’d be best to leave. I ran out along the deck which ran past her place and then down a flight of stairs. Not sure what floor she was on but I’m guessing second or third.

TUESDAY, JULY 17, 2018 Tom left for work 20 minutes ago, and after working yesterday he said he really doesn’t have a clue as to what his future may be with this company. I guess only time will tell what’s going to happen.

Running dishes now and threw in a few pairs of old glasses just to see how they come out. Eyeglasses I mean. I don’t use the heat setting so I don’t think they would be damaged.

Still sleeping better and therefore I still have more energy and I’m more active. I went bike riding, hit the treadmill, worked on the Bowflex, and the rest of the day will be dedicated to cleaning and writing. I should be up for another 6 hours or so.

Last night I had a dream I was waiting for this woman to come out of some building and was going to tell her that my mother died while thinking that the air was cool and the sun warm.

Then I dreamed I was outdoors and sitting at a round table with some woman. I seemed to be more interested in her than she was in me. I said something in Spanish and we seemed to be laughing and joking for a minute and I told her what I said. We talked about our lives and I was telling her that I was once an exotic dancer.

Then we were walking somewhere and I took hold of her hand and imagined myself as her girlfriend just for that moment. Then she said she only let me take her hand so she could make sure I crossed the road safely which stung a little though I accepted it for what it was, knowing I couldn’t make her like me as much as I liked her.

Finally, we approached this area where her bike was chained up. I don’t know what the language was but in some other language, the words “Good Blue” were written on her bike. I told her that and then I told her I would be happy to send her a list of “what things meant” if she felt comfortable sharing her email address.

MONDAY, JULY 16, 2018 Tom went back to work a little while ago and time will tell if they’re going to fuck with him or not. It may be weeks or even months before they lay him off if that’s what they have in mind.

Wish I had more to say but that’s really all that’s been going on. I’m just trying to be more active and eat healthier and keep busy. Still running journals through Grammarly and working on my stories.

I’m not liking how that loud car came in at 8:30 this morning and just left two hours later. They don’t seem to have any particular pattern so they’re definitely not working. If they are, then they’re working for their parents to be coming around this often. I can’t believe the parents would be okay with them continuing not to work while mooching off of them every single day. I just would have thought they’d put their foot down a long time ago and told them to get a job and a life. I’d be willing to bet they’re as single and childless as they are jobless too.

Catching up on texts with Aly and exchanged a few Skype messages with Tom. I don’t know how late he’s going to work. I’m just glad I don’t feel the least bit anxious and that I’m totally like my old self… Until the next flare gets me. I know the medication is going to start stabbing me again with anxiety sooner or later. For now, I’m enjoying feeling good while it lasts save for my rash. So, so glad he discovered the sleeping earbuds because they’ve helped tremendously! I feel much more rested and energetic when I’m awake now that I’m sleeping better. I still wake up on my own at times and like I said, I had that foot cramp the other day. But overall I’m doing much better in that department.

My rash is worse and it seems to be brought on by the heat. If I knew this was the worst it could get, I would just try to learn to tough it out. But I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to keep it contained to where it’s at and that it’s going to take over my entire body. I’m tempted to return to my GYN or dermatologist but the last thing I want to do is add another appointment just for a temporary fix that comes with side effects.

Kim really seems to curse those who come in contact with her. Her great-niece who’s a toddler supposedly fell off her lap and had to go to the ER. It’s hard to believe she fell maybe two feet and needed to go to the ER, but of course, Kim’s never at fault for anything. We don’t know that she pushed the kid or did anything wrong but it does sound fishy.

A friend of hers named Dodie died as well though we’re not sure why. She was 42, challenged like Kim is, and had heart issues, according to Aly. But sure enough, Kim doesn’t seem the least bit upset. It really is like she can’t feel any kind of guilt, remorse, compassion, empathy or pity unless it’s for herself. I totally believe without a doubt that she simply isn’t capable of feeling any of these emotions. Not sure she really does have MPD like I first thought she might, but she definitely isn’t all there. I wonder, though, was she simply born the way she is or did something bad happen in her childhood to cause her to be this way? It must be nice, though, never believing you could do anything wrong, never knowing what it’s like to feel guilt or remorse, and never having to deal with feeling negative emotions for others. I totally believe that trying to teach Kim about compassion and empathy would be like trying to teach it to an inanimate object like a door or a window.

SUNDAY, JULY 15, 2018 At Walmart, I grabbed a pair of black thigh-high stockings for the doll. That way less of her will be so tacky to the touch. I would have to literally drown her in a tub of powder for a month to get her to lose her stickiness.

Since it’s an ideal time of year for it when there’s more variety and I want to see how I do with just fruits and veggies for a day, I loaded up on all kinds of fruits and veggies. I’m glad to know Tom doesn’t mind making a midweek run because your average lifespan on such perishables is only 4 to 5 days.

Ten days after the holiday and I’m still hearing scattered bursts of fireworks. Really wish this was one of the states where fireworks were illegal! But where everything was illegal in Arizona (except for driving your neighbors crazy with your music and mutts), it seems everything is legal in California.

Aly recommended a few crime shows with multiple series and I found one of them on Amazon Prime. After I finish watching Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons, I think I’ll check out The Closer.

You don’t want to go to prison anywhere but you especially don’t want to be in one in Brazil and even more so in Papua New Guinea. What hellish conditions they live in! Many of them are often thrown in a concrete room with no mattresses or anything. They can smoke all they want and too bad if you’re intolerant to secondhand smoke. If a brawl broke out no one would be there to break it up.

On the flip side, they seem to have more freedom in that many can have conjugal visits for a few days at a time in places that look no different than a tiny apartment. They have access to musical instruments and even weapons. They have their own cutlery and then there are some that work chopping wood in Ukraine, for example. They’d never give an American inmate access to an ax!

It still gets a little cold in the bedroom but rather than have him close the vent some more I’m going to bump it up a degree to 76° before bed.

I swear something up there uses me when it can’t use traffic to wake me up. A severe foot cramp woke me up for a minute. A fucking foot cramp! Can you believe it? It may as well have reached down from the sky or wherever and just grabbed my fucking foot. Why not just poke me in the arm next time or slap me in the head? Argh!

Last night I dreamed I was with someone in a room in Donna A’s house only Donna didn’t know it. The room had a collection of dolls and figurines. I decided I would steal any I liked and would do it without guilt since Donna was such a horrible person. But none of the dolls appealed to me. She had a few horse figurines that were so-so. Finally, I found a small figurine of a girl that I liked enough to steal. I slipped the tiny figure in the pocket of my jeans when the person I was with wasn’t looking.

SATURDAY, JULY 14, 2018 Read a very discouraging article on how we can’t literally “burn” fat. We don’t literally gain or lose fat. Fat cells only shrink when we lose weight but never go away. We gain more fat cells with age and those that shrink with weight loss only fight like hell to refill themselves which is why lost weight comes right back if we’re lucky to lose it in the first place. I think the best most of us older folks can do is try to eat sensibly in hopes of slowing the gain process and then hope for a medical breakthrough someday. Really think the only way to get around it, though, is to remove the damn fat cells, but oh well. Sometimes you just gotta accept that some things are the way they are and they can’t always be changed. and when they can be, the effort isn’t always worth the results.

Slept shitty, waking up several times along the way. Sometimes I was hot flashing and other times I was too cold. Can’t do much about the hot flashes though I could at least have Tom close the vent a little bit in the bedroom. So I guess if there is anything up there cursing my sleep, if it can’t use traffic as a weapon against me, it uses me.

I checked my journals to see if I had ever tried Estroven, and as I suspected, I tried it a while back and found that I had a tingling sensation in my mouth and throat. When I called the number on the box, the person I spoke to said that could happen.

I’ve always wanted to stay in an overwater Bungalow, so Tom and I were checking out various vacation packages in places like the Maldives. The problem is that they’re either too far away or the closer places like the Caribbean and Florida that have them are outrageously expensive at 2k a night. Better to go to Hawaii next year if we’re still able to but even if he’s at the same job I don’t know that I’ll be able to handle it with the way I’ve been sleeping so shitty and seem to get more tired with age. This time around I was able to nap for a couple more hours afterward but still, this may simply be the way I’m going to be for the rest of my life just like I’m going to be fat for the rest of my life.

I may not be able to shrink the fat cells but I can at least be a fit fatty so I still keep active whenever possible. It’s definitely important to work my core and do back and ab exercises regularly to avoid backaches. It’s also good to do cardio as often as I can so I’m not out of breath if I suddenly want to do something more strenuous than usual.

All I remember for dreams was something about giving the rats a bar of soap which were smart enough to know what to use it for. I picked them up, saying how smart they were and how good they smelled. LOL

Showered with my Hawaiian Ginger shower gel and then used the Hawaiian Ginger lotion afterward, both of which are quite luxurious. :) Skin smells and feels good!

Tom can’t get in to see the audiologist till the 8th which means that if he doesn’t return to work in a week or so, he may have to apply for unemployment and partial disability. Really hope it doesn’t come to that!

I still can’t shake the feeling that we could be on the road to change if we aren’t on the road to doom. I wasn’t kidding when I said that anything worse than the last crisis would kill me. I cycled through the crises I’ve endured in life and most of them could never reoccur. I’m not going to want to be a singer so bad that the thought of never achieving that damn near kills me. I’ve never going to want a kid again or be sexually active, so there couldn’t be any dysfunctional sex to have to deal with or are infertility issues, menopausal or not. I’m not going to chase or long for women I can’t have. Lastly, I’m too smart for freeloaders to take advantage of me again, so the only things that could repeat themselves would be financial or health crises.

Health is unpredictable as almost anything can sneak up on anyone at any time, but if we were headed for financial ruin, which is always possible, it would take time. Not only is the economy booming now and jobs plentiful, but we do have 14 or 15 grand in savings.

Later…

Tom will be going back to work at 9:00 on Monday morning. We have mixed emotions about this but is it so they can turn around and fire him? Or eventually, lay him off? People are dumb but would they be dumb enough to fire him and give us a case against them? And would whatever that may be up there and that loves to protect our perps have them do such a thing?

I personally think that if they really want to get rid of him they’ll cover their asses by laying him off within a few months. After all, they do lay people off regularly there. That way he could be screwed, once again, with no way for us to fight back. The only good that could come of him leaving this place might be a job that pays more, but I really believe he’s just not meant to be paid fairly. It’s like he really does have a pay curse on him like I have a sleep curse on me.

So anyway, I have mixed emotions about it. It’s easier for me to plan my activities around a more predictable schedule like he has when he works, but I always feel more comfortable with him at home.

I actually slept okay last time around and the garbage and green waste trucks didn’t wake me up along with anything else. However, my music player’s battery died before I got up which was a little surprising since it’s supposed to have a 30-hour battery life. I won’t take it out of the charger until I’m ready to use it next time around and we’ll see how long it lasts.

For dreams last night, I was surveying a room and deciding how I wanted to rearrange it. It might have been some kind of office.

Then I was excited to be getting permanent hair removal from my legs and told the woman who was going to be performing whatever procedure she was to do for this that I wanted to wait until a couple of cuts I had healed.

Then I was filling what looked like a long skinny cardboard box with water for someone.

So nothing important but just senseless, meaningless junk dreams.

FRIDAY, JULY 13, 2018 Began watching Dig Two Graves but haven’t seen enough of it yet to really judge it.

Once again I’m horribly exhausted and that could be a combination of the Melatonin I took before bed as well as being woken up by a nightmare. I’m too tired to do Nano today so I’ll have to double up tomorrow.

The vividness of the nightmare has me once again wondering if I really could be glimpsing into other dimensions in my sleep. Perhaps my psychic nature makes it easier for me to tap into this plane if it does indeed exist. It may also explain why “home” doesn’t always look like home.

In the dream, I had just woken up and stumbled into our living room and over to my laptop. Tom’s was set up in front of mine and I looked over and noticed the back of a head.

“You’re home?” I said with surprise, figuring he’d be at work at that time.

But then I realized something wasn’t right about the head. It wasn’t shaped right and the hair was too thick or something like that. And then a total of three heads popped up and they said, “Yes we’re home.”

I then began this frenzied and hopeless fight against the three intruders. But every time I went to throw a punch at one, another would grab my arm. By some miracle, I managed to talk them out of the place soon enough, then I threw the lock and ran for the phone. I hadn’t even made it to the phone, however, before they managed to pick the lock on the door open in just a second. The dream ended with me contemplating charging the door in hopes of running out screaming for help. What most likely happened, however, if it was truly another me in another dimension, was that I was raped, murdered or both.

So definitely no fun in Dreamland. :(

Then I had a dream about leaving Tammy a voice message on my birthday.

The last dream had to do with me talking to a brunette druggie that I knew would never change her ways, and then I either hoped to date this blonde woman or I had begun to and believed it was over. She was a prosecutor and she kind of looked like Vera Farmiga, the woman who plays Norma Bates. I guess I found a note someone wrote about either exposing us or somehow being against the relationship. Or maybe it said that “Vera” wasn’t sure she was into it or something like that. Whatever it was, I knew the relationship was pretty much over.

I took the letter and presented it to her and then said something like, “Well, I guess this is it so we might as well hug goodbye.”

She hugged me and then said she would see me later which gave me a spark of hope for a second that maybe it wasn’t over after all.

I walked back home and into a bedroom with a twin bed adorned with stuffed animals and thought about how it would have been nice to date a prosecutor. However, I was determined not to get my hopes up.

In reality, the whole household is getting treats from Walmart compliments of some credit we built up. We ordered treats for the rats, a memory card for him, and a Hawaiian Ginger set for me that includes lotion, body wash, and body mist. It has such a fruity and uplifting scent that if I had to wear just one perfume only, that would be it.

Later…

Tom’s MRI is as clear as we expected it to be. The last step is meeting with the audiologist and getting him a hearing aid.

As for whether or not we’ll end up with a case against Mercy or his employers, we don’t yet know. I’m sure that somehow his perps will “happen” to be protected. As he said, though, he’s not going to pay anybody to sue them. If he can’t find anyone to take the case on a contingency basis, he won’t bother. His hearing may very well not have been recoverable no matter what, but I’m sure they’ll get away with any wrongdoing they may have done. Meanwhile, the ENT signed off on the papers he needed and he’ll overnight express them to his boss. It’s still not known at this time when he’ll return to work.

A couple of days ago we finished putting up the mural and it looks great. Soon I’ll take some before and after hallway pictures where it’s at.

I’m excited to learn that Duolingo is going to be having a Hawaiian course available soon. They guesstimate sometime in September. Yes!

Dig Two Graves was just a movie I couldn’t really get into. I’m still looking for a new TV show. I just wish there were more non-reality-based shows in America that had more than just one season with just a few episodes. Long gone are the days when there used to be many seasons with something like 22 episodes per season.

Slept better last time around but not as long. The earbuds look promising so far but the real test will be Friday when the trash and green waste trucks come through, assuming I don’t crash late and they don’t come early.

Unfortunately, the loud car just came in. It will be wonderful if it can no longer wake me up but it’s still annoying to hear when I am awake.

I sent a message saying hello to Christiane and told her that I really miss Nane at times despite our differences. I know, however, that I would never again hear from either one of them if it wasn’t for me messaging Christiane first.

Last night I had what I’d described as spam dreams. I suspect I have spam dreams, life reflection dreams, dream premonitions, and possible glimpses into other dimensions when I dream.

It’s the quick and senseless dreams that I write off as just junk dreams. Like being indoors somewhere and suddenly hearing a kettle whistle on a stove that was outside and about 50 feet away in damp rainy weather. As soon as I heard it I jumped up from the table I sat at talking to Tom and some other people and made a dash for the door. Tom was close behind to help me get the door open in case it got stuck or something and I ran as fast as I could to this kettle I could miraculously hear so many feet away indoors, even though I figured it was unlikely to explode or catch fire due to the rain.

Then I met some friend’s parents for the first time. I was dressed in a nice dress which they complimented. I thought of telling them that my husband was in the car and asking if he could join them, but thought better of it, not wanting to make them uncomfortable with meeting someone they didn’t expect to meet.

Then I was listening to some guy on a radio which I found delightfully amusing and entertaining and told someone that I’d met him and that his family was wonderful.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 11, 2018 Marie’s back and she even texted me. I replied but I don’t know what’s going on with her. I’m sure it’s the usual GF/booze/psych drug/PTSD drama.

We ran out to Walgreens last night and I picked up some vitamin D in the lowest dose I could find. When I researched the causes of fatigue, I came up with a huge number of possibilities ranging from vitamin deficiencies to inflammation. My cause is most likely disturbed sleep as well as a little bit of depression since I feel like I’m kind of stuck in a rut in life even though it’s not a bad rut to be in, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to try it. Today I definitely feel like I have more energy but one day isn’t enough to really say that the vitamin D is helping.

I also looked up the acupuncture points which are in the center of the palm of the hand, and some of the best energy foods are bananas and tuna, so I started my day off with a banana.

The sleeping earbuds are still keeping loud vehicles from waking me up. Tom saw and heard the loud car when he was outside while I was asleep. But I still wake up a lot on my own, if only for a few seconds.

Dammit! As soon as I start writing in Google Docs Aly starts blowing up my phone. I need to remember to mute notifications when I go to write. The only one I can’t get rid of is Kim. She only has access to her Kindle so she can’t use WhatsApp.

Had a series of strange dreams last night. In one of them, we briefly owned a house that seemed to be in a desert-like climate in a town called Norris. It seemed like we were only there a few months when I got in some kind of trouble that somehow caused us to lose the place. I believed we would have lost it eventually anyway because we didn’t have enough money.

I looked up Norris when I got up. No such town. In another dimension?

Then I dreamed about a possible reunion with his family. I’m not sure if we actually saw them or if my dream self was thinking of seeing them.

Then I dreamed I sent Stacey a letter. That would be the Stacey I knew down in Arizona. At first, I was worried I’d get in some kind of trouble for it but then I realized I hadn’t said anything wrong and wasn’t doing anything wrong.

In the last dream, I remember, I was on a boat with glass walls and was mesmerized by the way the waves broke along the base of the walls and wished we could live on a houseboat like that. Knowing we couldn’t, I hoped to at least live close enough to the beach so we could hang out there regularly, if only for a few minutes at a time.

Just heard from Marie. Hers was one of the FB accounts that FB accidentally made public, so she got pissed and temporarily deactivated. As I told her, I rarely use it these days and hate it for a variety of reasons.

She also bitches about her ex in Oregon posting pictures. She can’t block her? I asked. She just did. Oh, so it took her this long to think of that?

MONDAY, JULY 9, 2018 I don’t have much to update on right now. I continue to sleep shitty even though Tom said a couple of loud vehicles passed by that didn’t wake me up. Instead, I seem to wake up on my own. I figure it’s either an age thing that’s never going away or maybe I really am still at least somewhat in perimenopause. After all, I’ve been hot flashing like crazy and I still have some anxiety, though right now I think that’s on the meds until and if time proves otherwise.

Yesterday I began to feel a bit anxious so I’m skipping my meds today. I’m just getting sick of being tired so often and I don’t think it has to do with being low on thyroid. I didn’t have this much fatigue before I was diagnosed. Right now I’m making myself do this entry while on the treadmill.

Tom is taking a nap right now and later we’re going to maybe go out somewhere or just go out bike riding. We still have two more mural panels to put up, too.

I began watching Alias Grace and it’s okay so far though a bit slow at times. I don’t usually like shows set way back in time like this one is, but it’s kind of interesting, especially now that I’m older.

Last night I dreamed that Tom and I were staying in a long hotel room (moving and looking for a new place?). There may have been two others with us, one being a woman who announced that she was pregnant. She wasn’t showing yet but I knew we had to scramble to find a place to rent so we would be out of there when it was born as I knew there was no way I could sleep with a crying newborn.

So I was later asking some guy if he had any rentals available. Tom was with me and so were a couple of others. Suddenly, I realized I was in nothing but my bra and underwear.

SUNDAY, JULY 8, 2018 Two nights ago I had a dream I broke one of the earbuds of my new sleeping earbuds.

Then I was in some kind of shower when I got down on my knees to turn it off. I guess maybe the knobs were down low. The spray of water which shot out horizontally as well as vertically hit my pussy in the perfect spot and brought total pleasure to me. However, I actually had my underwear on and was going to yank the crotch aside so I could feel the water even better when I spotted an Asian woman sitting on a couch nearby in a dark-colored bikini.

Then I was holding a “bait” letter of sorts and I knew that somebody, probably the assholes down in Arizona, were trying to bait me into doing something they could use against me.

I’m not sure if we were living in this particular place in the next dream or just staying there, but I realized that Palma was our neighbor. I saw her come outside of her house one day and I waved and said hello to her when I was hanging out front with Tom. Her voice sounded a bit suspicious and snobby but she said hello and then asked if I would have time to talk. In the dream, she had blue eyes. I played it nice and said sure, anytime. I knew she suspected me of something bad, though, but had no idea what it could be.

In the next dream, it may have been early in the year and I was wishing I could jump ahead to August for some reason.

The last dream I had was connected to Valleyhead somehow. It was like they wanted to do an experiment with those who had been there as kids. Something about my being deaf in one ear was involved or it somehow came up.

In last night’s dream, Polly, a woman in her seventies who lives in New Zealand, was being ripped off by some guy. Somehow she was forced to make regular payments to the guy that she believed was wrong and unfair.

Then I had a dream that we moved to England when he retired for the Universal Health Care. Someone asked me how I like the humidity and I said, “It’s what I grew up with.”

Now for some reflections on reality. While this may be the best my life has been from a security standpoint, I feel like so many of my best years have passed, never to return. I feel like I’m being “stripped,” bit by bit of all that I was. I’ve lost so much. So much that I once was that I can never be again.

I can’t even remember the last time I had a genuine crush on someone, for example. I may notice someone. Someone who stands out. Maybe they’re even noteworthy enough to throw in one of my stories. Yet I haven’t had a crush on someone who remained in the forefront of my mind in quite a while now. It’s like I’ve even gotten too old for that and it’s kind of too bad because crushes are fun. They’re inspiring. They draw great characters and ideas for my stories. Yet I no longer have those to set the stage for them and like I said, crushes were fun. Maybe more like frustrating when I was young and single, but fun as a married person. In a way, it was like adding variety even though I never touched it, never tasted it, and never savored it in any real way.

I miss having good vision, I miss not being so damn fat, I miss some of my old perspectives even if they were a bit off. The way I would feel, the way I would think, the way I perceived things. I had hope for new things and adventures. But now, while I may look forward to hopefully meeting with Aly and maybe even going to Hawaii if he really is working the same job, I have little else to look forward to but trying to keep as comfortable as I can with my current health issues. Instead of hoping and dreaming, however pointless it may have been, today I try not to be so tired. I try not to itch and burn so much, I try not to overeat, and I hope not to be anxious. I struggle to see the print before me even with glasses and I worry more about Tom as he is also aging.

Sometimes I think I need something new in my life. A new hobby, a new goal, a new something. But what??? I try to see the good in what I have today besides a nice home and financial security. I have all kinds of fun gadgets and tools at my disposal for my creative works and other things. But I feel like I have no life at the same time and that I spend more time wishing certain things were like they used to be.

But then there are some things I would never want to return to. I’m stronger now and less emotional. I wouldn’t want to be hurt or angered by things as easily as I would be in the past. Things I’m able to just shrug off these days.

And would I really want my old libido back? I’d be stuck having to take care of myself because my husband has no libido either, his weight and age would make screwing hard, and I couldn’t stand to be screwed with the lichen planus taking over my pussy. The internet would make it easier to hook up with side dishes but I can’t see myself wanting an affair either. But if I was horny and someone attractive was around, who knows how I may react? I love my husband but I’m a human being. Never once did I cheat on him or have any kind of affair. But what if Palma had actually come on to me? Would I have pushed her away or would I have given in to my human side? I guess it’s a good thing I never found out.

For many years I felt this emptiness inside me, a void that needed to be filled. I yearned to fill it but I didn’t know what I was supposed to fill it with or exactly what I was missing or craving. Well, fortunately I haven’t had that feeling of craving the unknown for years now. Instead, I feel like life is over and like the end may be near and it’s not a good feeling at all even though that in itself could be a good thing. Die now and I never have to get any older and acquire any more diseases. But I don’t want to die now either unless I was in an extremely dire situation in which there was no point of return.

I’ve been having a strong feeling that we’re not going to be doing the roof and that we’re not going to be here for 6 more years. That could only be a very good thing or a very bad thing because we learned our lesson years ago about how unsafe and stupid it is to move long distance while he still needs to work. So wouldn’t that mean we somehow got ahold of a lot more money than we expected? Either that or something kills us. I’ve always had a feeling that the terror I went through since living here was in preparation for something and it can only be something really bad. Like worse than what I went through, and that’s the thing… worst would be death.

Sometimes I still think it would be nice to have something new going on in my life in addition to the same old, same old routine. I may love my life and enjoy the things I do, but we all need a break or at least some variety thrown in the mix. The only problem is that the last time I wished for change, the pigs came knocking on my door.

When I think of Bob and Virginia next door I wonder if they feel like they’ve been cycling through the same routine forever now that they’ve been retired for so long and like they’re more or less in a waiting room of sorts. A waiting room in which they’re waiting to be admitted to their final destination… death. Do they ever feel like they’re just biding their time until their number’s up? Do they feel like they’re on death row since they can’t have that many more years left? Do they get up each morning and ask themselves, is this it? Is this the day we’re finally going to die?

Anyway, we ran out to Raley’s earlier, changed the rats’ cage, and went bike riding. I finished watching The Sinner and swapped texts with Aly and Kim. I polished my nails blue with gold shimmer and felt a little anxious earlier. Skipping meds tomorrow and hoping Tom’s right in his theory that my hormones still fluctuate a bit and that this will go away once I’ve gone a full year without a period. I hope he’s right!

FRIDAY, JULY 6, 2018 Where did Marie go this time??? She was going by Shady Jamie and now she’s disappeared. Why she could never have just one account in her real name has always mystified me. Why all the accounts in bogus names? I wonder. Who is she running from? Or who does she think she’s running from? Oh well. I guess all we can do is wait and see if she contacts us from whatever the next bogus account may be.

For 3 days now I’ve been burning really bad down there and I don’t know if it’s because of the steroids I started using again or not. I’m so sick of this on-and-off torture and I just don’t know what to do! Stop treating it? Treat it more? And if so, with what?

What’s weird is that the burning is coming from closer to my pussy opening and not the very top by my clit where I usually burn and itch most. The question is, what might happen if I stop treating it? Would it get any worse? If I knew it wouldn’t get any worse than it is, I wouldn’t bother to put anything more on it other than maybe the diaper rash ointment.

I’m guessing it’s probably burning because of the steroids, even though I only used it 4 or 5 times, but I can’t say anything for sure anymore. The only thing I can say with certainty is that I’m tired of all the fucking health issues! The more I acquire, the more I want to give up on everything but my thyroid since I need medication for that, but now I’m not even sure that scheduling an appointment with Dr. O was a good idea. I’m just afraid that trying something new may have the same or worse effect as when I tried 88 mcg. Maybe it’s best to just make skips when I feel the anxiety kick in and hope that someday I’ll stop feeling that, will be able to take the meds every day, and will be able to have normal numbers. It’s almost like something up there doesn’t want me to have normal numbers. That wouldn’t make losing weight any easier, so why not?

I slept shittily and that was mostly my fault because I didn’t think I would sleep late enough to need the earbuds, so what I think might have been that fucking car woke me up. Again it took 2 days off but it came today. It was just leaving when I got up. It could have been the garbage and recycle trucks waking me up, but anyway, I woke up, thought I was going to get up and yanked the earbud out. But then I drifted back off and was woken up again. Whenever I crash tonight I’ve got to put them in and leave them in until I get up out of bed for good.

I could have sworn food smells woke me up too but Tom wasn’t cooking anything at the time so I don’t know what it was. I just know I’m tired of the constant sleep disturbances and feeling tired even when I sleep better. I’m always, always tired these days and it sucks. I seldom have the energy to work out or do much of anything physical. I’m tired and I’m burning. :(

Tom tried to make an appointment with Dr. A but was told that she and everyone else in the building weren’t accepting new patients. We were kind of surprised since there are always parking spots available at the place.

Yesterday and today we were too tired to install the fifth out of six mural panels but there is no hurry for that.

I may skip Nano today. I can always double up tomorrow.

I’m loving my new rainbow duster and I wish I’d thought to use it a long time ago because it really does make dusting go faster. In fact, I can easily do it every week instead of every other week. Still have to use the Swiffer wand to get in high places and to do the bathroom counters and floors because I don’t want to get hairs in the rainbow duster.

I feel bad for Aly now because Jase had an allergic reaction to his new medication and he’s in ICU. He’s got stomach and glucose issues even though he’s a vegan in good shape.

THURSDAY, JULY 5, 2018 Tom’s MRI is now complete and it went as expected. We still don’t expect them to find anything wrong. He just wants to get the whole thing over with. He wants to either find out what it is, or not find out what it is, but get a hearing aid to help with the distortion. He should find out the MRI results on the 11th, though, when he sees our ENT, if not sooner.

Tomorrow he’ll call and see if he can get in to see my PCP sometime soon enough. I sort of wish he had stopped by to see if he could get in like he said he thought of doing because he was in the same building, just on the other side. She’s a little bit of a drive but the parking lot is easy to get in and out of and there are always plenty of spaces. The place that’s closer which is where the lab is can be a nightmare for parking.

Nothing’s going to be the nightmare that seeing Dr. O will be. 3:15 really means about 4:00 for her, traffic will be a nightmare, and we’ll have to pay for valet parking.

I’ve had more burning and itching in the crotch and the pits so I took a Zyrtec earlier and it knocked me out for a nap. Dr. O is far enough away that I don’t have to worry about my schedule right now, though. I’m still a bit groggy even though I made a second cup of coffee when I got up.

I don’t think it’s because I stopped the ACV shots a few days ago that’s got it worse but we’ll see. It didn’t seem to be affecting my weight after all and it’s probably not going to do anything for my cholesterol, but if I don’t resume the shots sooner, I’ll definitely start back up a month or so before my December labs.

There were tons of fireworks last night so hopefully, they got that out of their system until New Year’s. I didn’t mind because it was the scheduled holiday, but when they do it for a whole week in advance it gets to me. The regular pop-pop-pop gets annoying. Sort of like hunting season in Maricopa did.

Began watching The Sinner on Netflix and amazingly, it’s in the US so they have American accents and there doesn’t seem to be any race or religion in the plot. Maybe a little God/religion but none of the race shit I’ve been sick of hearing about for ages now. It’s always great when I can catch a break from race or politics because so much of the same thing really gets old fast no matter what it is.

Anyway, It’s just a mystery about a seemingly normal wife and mother who ups and stabs a man to death in a fit of rage on a public beach.

My new magnetic rainbow duster came today and it definitely makes dusting go faster even if it can’t quite get where the Swiffer wand can get. I have to use that for the high places.

I’ve also got a new toe ring on the way because while my other one was pretty and fit well, it was too “scratchy.” The part where the magenta crystal gems are scratch my big toe.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 4, 2018 Watched the parade with Bob, Virginia and some of their family after going for a quick bike ride. Tom doesn’t feel comfortable hanging with people until he gets a hearing aid to curb the distortion. The parade was as expected except for the golf cart with the bubble machine. That was way cool. The vehicles consisted mostly of golf carts with a few cars and a couple of motorcycles, the latter of which I never appreciate, LOL.

Last night I dreamed I was planting mannequin legs in the front yard of a childhood friend’s house. That would be Jenny C. Afterward, I thought of how Tom tried to talk me out of doing this and I promised him I wouldn’t. At first I thought, oh well, he’ll never know. But then I said, nope. A promise is a promise. So then I ran and pulled the legs out and was heading down a street, realizing it was very warm out.

Then I decided to write Jenny a friendly letter and enclose some photos of myself. Only the photos didn’t look anything like me. They looked younger, slimmer, better-looking, and just totally someone else overall, yet it was supposedly me.

Being that it’s the 4th and the parade is over, I’m hoping there won’t be any projects or landscaping today. Yesterday Miss Footless had a window replaced or something like that. You can’t even go a week here without projects. I’ve asked myself a million times why it is that never before have I lived anywhere where there were so many home projects and the only answer that comes to mind is that the people here have the money to afford them. Other neighborhoods I’ve lived in before this were either low to middle-class. This is middle to upper-class.

After taking a couple of days off, the loud car returned yesterday. I knew they would make up for lost time too, and visit more than once. They visited twice. They definitely don’t seem to have anything going for them. No job, friends or family to keep them busy. Still not sure why they would want to see their parents every single day, though, as the people that live there don’t seem ill or anything like that. Regardless, they’ll be around in the early afternoon and then again in the early evening.

TUESDAY, JULY 3, 2018 Nothing from Tammy since my message to her on Facebook which makes me think she’s now ghosting me along with the girls or is ill again. Still not sure I really want to hear from her again either way.

I accidentally gave a thumbs down to a message on Facebook and then Kim from Massachusetts did the same thing. So I can see where Palma may have accidentally downvoted it and was actually replying with a completely innocent and kind message. The only thing that didn’t make sense was the attempted call. I don’t think the call icon is easy to accidentally hit.

We went to the pool yesterday at 3:00. There were no kids but the pool was too cold while the jacuzzi was too warm.

I found some great treasures at the Goodwill yesterday too, including a couple of mugs and a few pairs of shoes. The mugs are yellow with pink tulips and one of the shoes has a colorful metallic print. Those are flats. Also, flats with memory foam insoles and a pair with colorful stripes, most of which are pink. Lastly, I got pink strappy sandals with a 3” cork wedge heel that fit perfectly and are very easy to walk in. It all cost just $25.

We’ve been doing things around the house at our leisure. Tom cleaned the windshield of the car and is working on installing the large screen and projector in the living room. We decided to put up a panel a day of the forest mural in the hallway so we don’t have to feel rushed or overworked. Sometimes it’s nice to do things slowly and take our time. So we’ve got the second out of six panels up. I’m laying in bed right now as I do this entry on Google Docs and it looks so cool with the winter forest in here and then seeing the summer forest out in the hall. When you step out there you really feel like you’re winding between the trees.

Yesterday I had a distinct feeling that hit me about how long we’ll be here. My logic always said we’d be here till he was around 66, 67 at the latest. But I had an instant sense of knowing yesterday that we wouldn’t be here that long, although I don’t know how long, which is either a very good or a very bad thing. We’re either going to have more money than expected sooner than expected, or something bad is going to happen.

Really, really hope Aly’s dream doesn’t mean anything because she’s like me where the dreams she has don’t usually literally come true, but if she has a dream where something bad happens to someone she’s close to, something bad usually comes their way. She said she dreamed that we met and it was more like a final goodbye because while she didn’t know where Tom was, I was very depressed. I had tons of printouts of poisons that would kill but not in a painful way and was preparing some kind of poison to drink.

Well, hopefully that in conjunction with the vibe I had doesn’t mean something’s going to kill me a lot sooner than anticipated, but if it does, it does, as we can’t always control how long we live. I just try to remind myself that we all have to go someday and there’s just as much good to dying now as there would be in 20 years or even 50 years. Not that I should live 50 more years when I’m already 52, but just to use that as an example, it seems there are always things not worth living for as much as there are things to look forward to living for is what I’m saying. I still think I’ve got about 30 years to go.

The only dream I remember having last night was living in my childhood home. It was nighttime and I’m not sure if I let Burke out or if he escaped. I think he got out the front door by accident. I tried to call him back but he wouldn’t come to me. The only thing that was wrong was that I could hear the whooshing sound of traffic when in fact it was dead quiet on that street because it wasn’t near any major roads like a highway or anything. There was also a little shed or storeroom on the front corner of the property that didn’t exist and I could see the house next door where my grandparents lived. In reality, the hedges dividing the properties wouldn’t enable me to see their entire house from the front door. I would only be able to see part of their garage.

Anyway, I hoped Burke would stay put for the night and that I would find him in the morning.

Then a female cop was suddenly in the house and went down into the cellar after I had told her I hadn’t yet been down there since moving in. She came back up with a dead rat shortly after and I knew it couldn’t be mine because it had been dead too long.

It seems like some woman was also in the dream that was living there with me and had been woken out of the sound sleep.

FedEx came today with some papers Tom had to sign for. Something about his boss wanting him to sign papers saying that he was given certain forms or something like that.

The only thing that has me a little worried, even though our finances and health seem stable from what we can tell, is this is about the time when the next crisis would begin to unfold. If I’m right about something up there being determined to cycle me through one crisis after another, well, given the pattern of intervals that I’ve been able to look back on and see over the decades, now would be the time to get the next one started, whatever it is. Right this instant I don’t have any feelings that anything bad is right around the corner. I hope not!

There does seem to be just as much of a pay curse on him as there does a sleep curse on me, so with his shit luck, since we just can’t believe he’s got any issues that the MRI will turn up to land him on disability, they’ll take him back and he’ll continue to be cheated by about $6 an hour since the average person in this country makes $25 an hour instead of $19. It actually could be worse, however, if he had to take an American job at minimum wage and was unable to get second or third shift. We’ll eventually find out because just because they take him back doesn’t mean they won’t turn around and fire him. This company definitely doesn’t want anyone with health issues. Totally wrong, unfair and unrealistic, but that’s just how they are.

The freeway is further away than I thought. Just over 1000 feet, according to a tool Tom used on Google Maps. I would have guessed closer to 500. So Aly, who’s 300 feet away from the freeway where she lives, must really hear it well.

MONDAY, JULY 2, 2018 Got a new pair of fancy socks (partially sheer with a solid black sole and elastic around the ankle with flowers running up the sides) and a rainbow magnetic duster on the way! Hoping the magnet duster makes dusting go faster.

I slept well last night and the rest of Tom’s blood work results are in. Everything looks good. Just a little high in blood sugar and liver function because of the steroids he was on.

Put up the first of six forest mural panels yesterday, and he did some coding while I worked on my Nano project. Heading to Goodwill soon, then swimming later.

SUNDAY, JULY 1, 2018 I knew my luck would run out as far as sleeping better goes. Nothing woke me up, I just woke up in the middle of my sleep and had to take melatonin to get back to sleep which took over an hour. So I’m a little tired today due to the broken-up sleep but not too bad as long as it doesn’t keep happening.

Other than changing the rats’ cage and the walk he took down to the clubhouse to pay the space rent, we don’t have much on today’s agenda. I’ll be starting Camp Nano and we might start putting up the forest mural in the hall. If we don’t get it all up today, that’s okay. It’s not something that has to be done all at once.

I was disgusted to learn of the stabbing in Idaho of all places but not surprised that immigrants were involved. Where there are immigrants, there are usually problems. Most people may not want to see that, but turning a blind eye doesn’t change this fact either. Instead of appreciating the freebies they’re getting here and taking advantage of the opportunities presented to them, they react like crazy, ungrateful little bastards.

[gotham-adrenaline]

Sent in a request already so this is just me saying—hope you’re having a great Monday! Or Tuesday, depending on the time zone. I also hope you get some really baller requests that are super fun to write

Ahhhh thank you!!! I’m in EST so it’s about 2am on Tuesday, but that also means it’s the perfect time to do a quick update on what I’m working on-

First of all, thanks to everyone for the support and the awesome requests! You guys have so many cool ideas???

Speaking of requests, I’m currently actively writing one for Jason Todd x male! reader which should be out soon (bullet point style with some prose thrown in) but I’m brainstorming for the others I’ve gotten as well since I’m pretty scatterbrained 24/7-

I’m also writing a fic for Jason x nymph! reader which will likely take a bit longer cause I’m back on my bullshit and writing hurt/comfort like it’s an addiction.

I do also keep track of all the requests I get plus any ideas I have on a document so I can see what I have to do and add as I go, but I mostly follow the sweet, sweet serotonin and end up switching what I’m writing fairly often, especially if it’s a longer work. Eventually I may start doing polls to ask what works you guys want most, especially if I do longer fics.

Now, imma head to bed since I have work in a few hours, but thanks again guys!!!

[topperscumslut]

situationships be like im dissociating on ur couch at 7am and i haven’t slept meanwhile ur sleeping peacefully in ur bed in the other room. i’ll always be in love with u no matter how far away you move and how long it’s been since i’ve touched you. your lips are my favorite thing in this world. you’re my best friend and we’re just friends but then why were we cuddling and making out all night. u refuse to kiss me or touch me first bcuz u love me too much to lead me on or hurt me so i swear ur not leading me on or hurting me even tho that’s exactly what ur doing. i’ve written three full songs about you and dozens of other random scattered lyrics in my notes app. i love showing you my favorite movies. it’s my ex’s birthday but i’m here with u, the guy i told him not to worry about. ur all my therapist and mother and groupchat and diary and our other coworkers ever hear about. no one’s ever loved me like this before. what are we? i cried in front of you for the first time tonight. we said “i love you” for the first time tonight and i’m not sure if we meant as friends or more. i’m sleeping in ur hoodie. i’m a little tipsy and ur all i can think about. ur moving in two months and i will never miss anyone more. i’ll love u til my dying breath. i love how ur stubble feels on my face when we kiss. i miss the tiny bruises u left on my thighs when u pulled my body into urs. u still give me butterflies. i have a photo album of memes to send u. we’re each other’s #1 best friend on snapchat. ur why i always have a bottle of pheromone perfume on hand. casual by chappell roan is on repeat. i want to take you to the cemetery where i write all my songs about u. i’ve only ever taken one other person there before. u own my whole heart. the sun is coming up thru ur blinds and i still can’t sleep. my heart hurts. will u come with me when i get my ribcage tattoo? u look like my celebrity crush did in the 90s. i’m wearing ur favorite cow print hat while i write this. i eat every bite of food u make me when we close together even if i’m not hungry. we’re like the same person but also polar opposites. i think i knew u in another life in this same little town. we ruled this whole fucking city together. i think you’re my twin flame. i swear ur eyes look like the most beautiful eclipse i’ve ever seen whenever you look at me cuz ur pupils dilate so much. i can see how much u love me in ur eyes. i wanna cuddle u while we fall asleep but u say that’s too far. i told u some of my deepest secrets my second or third time ever meeting u. no one has ever gotten me off that fast. i wrote my first ever love song about you. i miss the way things were last christmas. i love hugging u in the parking lot at 3am. every song on superache reminds me of u (well besides family line). every song pete wentz wrote about mikey way reminds me of u. every song dodie wrote about jon cozart reminds me of u. tuesday is my favorite day of the week bcuz of u. i see us in every romance movie. i wanna get matching tattoos of our first inside joke of many. when will u want me to leave ur place tomorrow, well technically today? my therapist is in for an earful. the sky is the color of ur eyes. i love opals now bcuz they’re ur birthstone and they remind me of ur eyes. i love ur eyes. baby blue has replaced pink as my favorite color. i cried for two days straight when u accidentally unadded me on snapchat and then laughed my ass off with you when you apologized and told me it was a misclick. i hope ur 23rd birthday was ur favorite. i’ve never felt this way before. i’ll never look at the color crimson the same. we have the exact same myers briggs and enneagram type. my favorite memory is smoking a joint with you on ur back porch in my oversized ghostface tee from spencer’s, or maybe u going down on me. i would follow u to the west coast. what if we made a pact to marry each other if we’re both still single by the time i’m 30 haha just kidding. how do you feel about me? everything is so fucking bittersweet.

we’ll love each other til the earth stops spinning and the sun explodes. honestly? i think we could survive even that.

[whothinkswhatithink]

Story time for first post:

My sister had a baby like a year and a half ago, the baby was not planned and they decided to keep her. My sister and her husband are both professional dancers and have weird schedules that they keep and also don’t get paid very much. When my sister first had her baby she has asked me to come and stay with her for 3 months to take care of her baby while she was at work. I really don’t like children and know nothing about babies plus my sister and I didn’t have the greatest relationship. But I agreed to help out and left my job and home for 3 months to go love with her and the baby. It was hard but I got through it.

Then it was decided we were going to move to be closer to my sister (we moved states) which is fine, we hadn’t been near enough to her for 10+ years and the baby was a perfect opportunity for us to leave where we currently were. It was then mutually decided that I would nanny for my sister that coming year while she went to work again. Daycares are incredibly expensive and hard to get into without any preparation so it seemed like the best plan. They were sort of going to pay me but it was just an uncomfortable situation and we ultimately decided that they would pay my $50 for gas because it takes me 20 minutes to drive to her house. Which fine, it’s my sister it felt weird for her to pay me to watch my niece. However that meant I had no income and I have been trying to move out of my parents house. So I looked for a job and the only job I could find that worked with my sister and brother in laws hours was getting up at 3am for a baking shift at a grocery store. I really like my job and have gotten used to the hours but getting up that early and then going to straight to get a growing baby was incredibly tiring.

The year for the most part is going fine, my mom helps out when she can and that has been a saving grace because honestly it’s putting me in a really bad headspace. I love my niece dearly she is a very happy, easy baby who I have enjoyed watching her grow and learn new things. But she is also mentally draining, I’ve always been against having kids and really she has solidified my feelings even more. What angers me about this arrangement is feeling like I am not being heard or respected for my time and feelings. My sister works tues-Sun 9-4:30 and her husband works sat-thurs 2:00-10:00 plus my sister was a work out thing she goes to on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s. I watch my niece everyday except mondays and fridays from 1:00-7:00 because my sister ends up staying for dinner when she comes to pick her up. Not mention my brother in law is a gym rat so he always wants to leave early so he can go to the gym before work so I get constant texts of “hey can you come earlier today?” And then there is any extracurricular activities, since my sister and her husband work such opposite schedules they rarely get to see each other so they try to schedule date nights or they have beer share parties (they are super into beer) but that usually happens on one of my “off” days from them. Now I go to bed at 7pm because I have to get up so early and now they expect me to put my niece to bed a wait for them get home around 11 or 12? Are you kidding?

But I stuck it out for a year and made it through their dance season. Again my niece is wonderful but the whole situation is awful. Then comes summer time, now my sister wants to find a part time job or any opportunity to make money, which I totally get, they don’t get paid much and now they have a daughter. However it’s at the cost of me and my moms job. We now have to go through our schedules every week to find off days for us or even ask for days off simply so my sister can work. Like I need to work too? I need money too? And my biggest issue is they want me to nanny again, which was not apart of the original agreement. And now I’m like, how long do you want me to do this? Until she goes to school in another 4 years? Absolutely not! We moved here to be closer to family not to be free babysitters whenever you need it.

It was very clear from the beginning that my sister and husband were not prepared for a baby. Her husband in particular has changed nothing about his lifestyle to include his freaking daughter. Like you have a child now you don’t get to randomly jet off to Belgium to drink beer while you leave your wife at home or pick up random jobs out of state for the weekend. He literally asks me to come get her just so he can mow the lawn, or because he needs a “breaks”. THATS YOUR FUCKING CHILD MAD! Like what. My sister isn’t much better, she’s definitely put in the work for how she wants to raise her child which is awesome, but like I know dance is your life and you have been doing it longer then a lot of other dancers have maybe it’s time to retire and find a more stable job where you can watch your own child. There is too many things up in the air with these too and I’m tired of having my life revolve around them. Plus I don’t even know how to talk to my sister about this because it is such an uncomfortable situation I feel like I’m saying I hate your kid and I don’t want to help you when that’s not true. Plus I know where she’s coming from of having the relief of your child being somewhere they are safe and loved and not having to shell out $1,000 a week for daycare. But also I feel like I’m drowning.

As I said my mom helps a ton but she also doesn’t fully understand where I’m coming from when I try to talk to her about this. If she could she wouldn’t work at all and would take care of the baby all day everyday but she doesn’t have the money to retire or the flexibly with her schedule like I do. My dad doesn’t next to nothing witch pisses me off especially because he is totally on my side about everything. He gave me the misogynistic take of “well a baby needs that motherly figure” so my mom and I are the ones to feed her, change her, put her down for a nap but my dad just gets to be the fun grandpa. If he’s even around, I can’t count the times he would hang out with her for a little before just leaving to go work on whatever project he was going on. Meanwhile my niece is just calling and calling for him because he’s the fun grandparent and he just doesn’t care. Also he cannot/will not watch her on his own so he can’t help with any of this.

God it’s just draining my so much, I am totally burnt out and tired and frustrated and I don’t know what to do or how to approach any of this going forward.

[lifewithoutmeds]

January 21, 2023

hellooooo tumblr.

things are going ok. spent most of the day with lorena, and it was great! last tuesday i got word that there was a dog at the burbank shelter that they thought would benefit from fostering, so after work i went with lorena, and picked up Kiwi, a 5-year old siberian husky, from the burbank animal shelter.

so far she’s been pretty great. she snapped at me once when i got near her food/bed, she lunges at small dogs, and had one pee accident, but other than that, she’s been great. it’s been kinda nice having another presence in the condo, and also nice to think that this is a better environment for her than the shelter, so it’s been good. lorena also is great with kiwi and loves having her around and is doing more than her share of taking her out, and training her.

quick recap of the last week or so.

last weekend: mirna’s baby’s bday BCD tofu house with anjali pho and kimchi pancakes with lana and friends scandinavian exhibit at LACMA and lunch with rhiannon

it was a solid weekend and i was exhausted afterward, and i think i either napped for a few hours or slept that night for like 12 hours, but i recall thinking i must’ve been rather exhausted from the weekend.

it felt nice i guess to change up the scenery and see new/different parts of town and new/different people. 

tuesday - thursday i worked, and wednesday i came home a bit earlier to WFH because i was anxious about kiwi being home alone without supervision (lorena had been watching her/walking her but went to her aunt’s house at 1) and so instead of getting off at 5ish, i got off at 3ish so i could be around/observe her.

since then i’ve gotten a doggy cam and have observed that she mostly just lies around or chews her rawhide/bone when she’s not out and about on her walks with us.

wednesday i also got randomly and suddenly sick, though with what it’s still hard to tell. it felt like a suddenly onset cold, but taking allertec has made most if not all of the symptoms subside, so it could just be a random case of severe allergies (hopefully not to kiwi).

this weekend has been pretty great.

friday i had a doctor’s appointment in the morning, and then i got an oil change, then came home and checked up on lorena and kiwi, then went out again at lunch to ozawa with lana and jenny unni for lana’s promotion celebration. afterward i drove jenny unni back to koreatown and then stopped by pac city bank to sign my new CD account thing, then stopped at the local korean bakery for snacks before heading back. was able to hang out with kiwi and lorena for a bit before she headed out to work.

saturday (today) has been good so far. took kiwi out on a 50 minute hike in the morning while lorena slept, then came back, read a bit, napped, and then we had breakfast together and decided to try kiwi out at the atwater flea market, but upon seeing her overstimulated and lunging at small dogs and realizing that there were too many small dogs at the market for us to reasonably deal with, just took her on a walk around the neighborhood before heading back. i dropped lorena off at the mall so she could buy some work basics from Zara and i came back home and made some coffee, then picked her up and introduced her to King Taco, where we had tacos and sopes. she expressed a few times how much she was enjoying the day and we joked that as her friend, i’d love for her to skip out on work and hang out all day, but that as her financial advisor, i must advise her to keep working. she’s currently taking a nap while kiwi is tearing up her bone, and i feel fairly calm and at peace. it’s been a good day.

it kind of makes me wonder though. i’m not in a relationship, but i wonder if this is all i want. occasional companionship, a person to walk the dog with, a person to go to the flea market with, a person to bring a pastry home to. am i settling? or do i just get comfortable when there’s no chase? i don’t feel as if i’m playing second fiddle, in fact i know i’m not first, and i probably only hung out with her today because i saw via ig stories that reyna is at disneyland with her mom, but that doesn’t make me feel less than, or secondary, if anything, it makes me feel almost ... comforted knowing how little i need. i feel less anxious, less needy, less attached. i’m ok with this, and i’m ok with that. 

today was a good day. i was out with a good friend, had good walks with a good dog, ate some good food, and even had time to read and journal. i could see how some might think this was boring, but it was one of those “nothing days” that i’ve grown to appreciate, because i know that these are days that might be easy to forget, but nice to remember.

[spiderrrling]

Guts to say anything (Eddie Munson x F! Reader)

Pairing - Eddie Munson x F!Reader

Summary - Two idiots in love finally being able to admit their feelings to each other, middle school best friends to lovers

Warnings - None! Just the slightest amount of angst 

Word count - 3433

A/N - This fic is based on the song Guts by All Time Low, give it a listen while you read!! Another fic I’ve managed to bang out during work, I’m really happy with this one just because I think its super cute :) have fun!

Requests are open and feedback is always appreciated! Remember to leave a like and comment/reblog to support your local fic writers

The trailer was quiet this time of night, but the soft voice of Eddie Munson. Wayne had left a couple of hours ago for his shift at the plant. Eddie's uncle always insisted she just call him Wayne, or Uncle Wayne, insisting that she was practically family so there was no need for a Sir or Mr when speaking with him.

Fall had come to Hawkins and the happy feeling of summer had subsided as the season shifted and a new semester at Hawkins High started.

It was an ordinary Tuesday evening. She had promised Eddie she would come over and help him write his paper for Ms. Click's class, determined to help him finally graduate high school two years late so they could graduate together. 

Papers laid strewn around his bed, and their countless history books laid among them along with pens and highlighters. Eddie was reading aloud a passage for his paper for her to hear.

She was laid out on his bed, her head laid along the side of the bed close to where Eddie was sitting on the floor, his back against the bed with his paper in his hands. Her handwriting intertwined his on the paper.

"From this perspective it may be considered that the allied forces were rescued by the Americans joining the war efforts during the first world war, helping to turn the tide against the Germans." 

"Don't say Germans, it was the Triple Entente." She corrected him, nabbing the paper from his hand and underlining the word, indicating he should fix it.

"And this is exactly why I keep you around." Eddie joked and took back his paper before he started reading again, this time with his narration voice that he used for Dungeons and Dragons, making his very ordinary paper on World War One a much more enjoyable experience and she couldn't help but laugh.

"Come on, you know I can't focus when you do that." She whined and kicked his shoulder with her foot. "It's too late to focus anyway." Eddie rubbed his face, trying to keep the sleepiness at bay.

She had been helping Eddie with his essays for what seemed like forever. They had been friends since middle school, and their friendship had started with her hating every single ounce of his being. Ever since Eddie had checked out every single Dungeons and Dragons book he could find in the library, and not caring to return them by their due date.

The librarian had gotten so tired of her constant asking about the books being returned that she told who had checked them out. That day at lunch, she sat next to Eddie for the first time and demanded to see the books, since he was keeping her from learning about the fantastical world of Dungeons and Dragons, it only seemed fair.

And that had been the start of their friendship. He had been older, which sucked because it meant they never shared their library period together, and he went to high school before her. But ever since the club started there had always been a spot for her in Hellfire. "It's only fair after I kept you from the game for so long." He'd joke and say.

Ever since that day they had been thick as thieves, practically joined at the hips and everyone knew that. When Eddie was a senior and got his first note that he would be held back she had joked he'd failed just to stay with her, it may not have been that far from the truth if you asked him.

"You know, I'm convinced you just can't leave me here all by my lonesome."

"Yeah, you're right someone's gotta keep an eye on you, because we all know I am the voice of reason in this friendship." He would jab right back at her. "Besides, I can't have you find a new prank partner if I'm not around."

"I could never." She meant it, there was no one that could ever replace Eddie, his place in her life.

Eddie bought her books, all sorts of them. Fantasy, science fiction, classical literature. Just to be able to see her reaction to reading them. In return she would supply him and subsequently the Hellfire club with baked goods.

They fit so well together, there was never any pressure to be anyone else but themselves when they were around each other. Being with Eddie was easy, it was natural and it was perfect.

Which is what made it so difficult to tell when these feelings had started. Eddie had always been cute, even when his hair was buzzed in middle school. But as he got older, and his hair got longer, there was a different sort of charm to him. And she had started picking up on it.

The way he started dressing, finding his classic rock inspired style with his rings and chains. The leather jacket he absolutely refused to go without. Deciding one day to cut his own bangs, which ended up in her having to help him.

Her eyes would be lingering for a little too long on his face, finding her eyes wandering during class to where he was sitting just so she could look at him. Or her mind going completely crazy with thoughts of him.

Before she really knew what had happened she found herself in the scenario having the biggest crush, on her longest and best friend. She had tried pushing the feelings away, but that just made them come by stronger. She would come home from school, or from his trailer and just scream into her pillow.

Butterflies kept appearing in her stomach whenever she was around him and she found herself stuttering and falling over her words more and more frequently.

Some part of her heart had slowly been falling in love with Eddie Munson, until she was head over heels without noticing before it was too late.

Eddie had continued reading aloud his essay but she wasn't listening to what he was saying. She was too focused on his voice to be able to listen to what he was saying.

She had been in his room more times than she could count. Granted it had changed a lot over the years. She had helped him hang at least half of the posters that decorated the walls, even helped him install his precious guitar stand. His room was messy, but in a lived in sort of messy charming way. It felt like crawling inside a part of Eddie’s brain and she could spend hours in here studying every inch of the room.

Books that couldn't fit on his small shelf were stacked on the floor in between the heaps of clothes that were spilling out of his closet. It permanently smelled of weed in there, but she didn't mind. In her mind the smell of weed was so closely linked to Eddie by that point.

Her hands ran over the blanket on his bed, the one she had knitted for him when she had her knitting phase years ago. It was worn out and practically falling apart but he had still hung onto it. Same with the one in the living room that laid on the couch.

Some part of Eddie couldn't bring himself to get rid of anything she made. There was a box, shoved to the way back beneath his bed filled to the brim with everything she had ever made him. From failed knitting projects, to every birthday card and even every note she passed him during school.

She was the most solid part of his life beside his uncle. There was never a moment where he felt as if she wasn't there for him. Of course they had fought, they were teenagers who sometimes got too caught up in their own mess to not have had small fights.

But they always found their way back to each other eventually. He would write her a song, or she would bake something and bring to him at the trailer park late at night, and he would let her in and they would eat and laugh about whatever stupid argument they had had.

Eddie had always loved her, deep down no matter the kind he had always loved her since that first day in the cafeteria. The feeling grew and changed with the year, and he realized that she felt like home. His home.

He wasn't sure when his feelings had shifted from platonic companionship into romantic longing, but he adored her. Every part of her, even the ones that sometimes drove him crazy.

It was difficult having her around without the feelings threatening to spill over, but he tried his best to keep them at bay. Convinced she did not feel the same way about him that he felt about her.

Besides, she was already getting flack at school for being best friends with the freak, he couldn't imagine what might happen if they became something more.

"You paying attention up there?" Eddie turned his head to look up at where she was laying. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing slowly. Eddie played with the rings on his fingers, a habit he had picked up when he felt the urge to touch her.

The intense want to brush stray pieces of hair out of her face, or to hold her hand. And the worst thing was that he had done all of those things countless times before. But that was when he wasn't aware of the feelings brewing inside of him and he knew that touching her could send him spiraling.

"Falling asleep?" He asked softly and she only hummed in return. 

"Need me to drive you home? Or you could stay if you want."

She scrunched her nose, knowing her parents didn't care too much but they wouldn't be happy she stayed the night at Eddie's on a school night. She had stayed over at his place more times than she could count, but on a school night?

Her parents thought their friendship in middle school had been cute, but they got more and more suspicious as they both got older.

"You know if you like him that is ok!"

"Mom no gross, it's Eddie I could never think of him that way." 

It had been a lie and she knew it, in fact it was one of the only things she thought about these days. In fact it was one of the things she struggled not to think about.

"You do know it's only ten minutes to walk right?" She pushed herself up so she was resting on her elbows and could look down at where he was seated on the floor.

"And? Hawkins is dangerous this time of the night." It was true, more and more strange things kept happening in the small town they used to think was so dull the most dangerous thing that could happen was someone dying of boredom.

She only laughed him off, grabbing her bag and stuffing all her school materials into it. Not worried about leaving anything because Eddie would just bring it the next day.

"Well, if something happens you'll get to say I told you so at my funeral."

Her parents weren't the only ones suspicious of their relationship. Eddie's uncle would occasionally cast them a couple of quick looks. And their friends were convinced it was only a matter of time before they got together. They would never say it directly, but they teased it a lot.

Everyone else but them seemed to have picked up on the feelings they both had towards each other. The two of them were completely oblivious to it.

Eddie stayed seated at the floor as she packed up. "Well if you don't hurry your funeral will be from dying in your room after your parents ground you after breaking curfew again."

"Wait, what time is it?" Her blood ran cold, she had already broken curfew twice already this month because of Eddie and even though her parents seemed to like Eddie, they did not appreciate his ability to make her late home.

"Just about to be eleven." Eddie turned his wrist to read the watch face that was strapped to it. "Shit." She cursed under her breath and hurried her movement, shoving the last of her stuff into the bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She leaned down and pressed a kiss to Eddie's lips without realizing what she had done, she walked out of his room. Just as she had stepped outside and replayed the last thirty seconds in her mind she realized what she had done.

Her limbs went completely numb and practically went into shock. Deciding it was best to not look back at the mess she created she kept walking starting her trail back home.

Eddie on the other hand was completely stunned, unable to form a coherent thought. His fingertips gently grazed his lips where hers had been just a moment before.

His body acted before he could think and suddenly he was on his feet running out of the trailer. His boots crunching against the gravel road leading out of the trailer park as he ran after her.

Now Eddie hadn't actually thought about what he would say when he caught up with her, just that he couldn't let her leave just yet. "Hey! Hey wait up!" He shouted after her, and she stopped for a moment turning to look at him.

His cheeks were flushed pink, but it wasn't from the run or from the early fall temperatures. She felt her chest clench and mouth going dry as he approached, terrified that what she had just done had ruined their friendship.

"You- you can't leave." Eddie simply said he was a little out of breath and his hand had grabbed onto her wrist keeping her from leaving. He was only holding it loosely and she could easily have pulled it out of his grasp, but it suggested he wanted her to stay. "Not after that you can't leave."

There was a sincerity in his voice as he spoke and she could see his eyes were softer than normal.

"Eddie I'm sorry I don't know why I did that it was stupid and I didn't think-"

"You walk to school every morning, which is ridiculous because I've offered to drive you a million times. And you're a reckless pedestrian and I've probably almost hit you more times than I can count." Eddie blurted out, neither of them were sure of what he was saying. "And I know exactly what you bring for lunch every day because it's always the same, except for on Fridays because then you bring your homemade banana bread and you always let me have a piece."

She could see his face was slowly turning more and more red as he spoke. 

"Because that is just who you are, you're kind. So kind in fact that you still help me with my homework, and you show up to Hellfire early every single week without fail to help me set up. You've never forgotten my birthday, and I know that because I've saved every single card you've ever made me. You refuse to learn how to drive because it terrifies you."

Eddie was full on rambling now, it was as if his brain couldn't keep up with the words coming out of his mouth. A part of her found it adorable, but she was also utterly confused.

"Why are you-" Eddie cut her off again, still not letting her speak. "Let me finish please because if I don't finally say it I feel like I might explode."

"I don't care that you're my best friend, that you're a part of my life, my family. I don't care that you're also a mess." She could feel her own cheeks heating up as he spoke. "And I don't care what happened in there, why you did it. I love you, I've loved you every single day since we first met. And I don't care if you don't feel the same way but you have to know that I love you."

She finally managed to meet his gaze and look him in the eye. His dark brown eyes shining in the dimly lit night.

"Are you done?" He nodded in response, biting his bottom lip. A thousand thoughts were racing through both of their heads as they stood there in the night looking at each other. And for a couple of moments she was unable to speak, slowly processing what he had just said.

Those words that she had only imagined in his wildest dreams that he would say. Was this really real? Did he actually say these things? Or was this just another dream and in reality she was tucked into her bed sleeping peacefully.

But no, he was there, standing in front of her. His hand was still around her wrist proving that this was really happening. She could feel the cold metal of his rings against her skin and it helped her focus on what was really happening here.

"You're a mess too." She finally said after what felt like an eternity. "And you're my best friend." She pulled her wrist from his grip and she swore she could see something break in his eyes. "And I love you too."

She barely managed to get out the last words before Eddie's hand cupped her face, practically crashing his lips against hers so hard she struggled to breathe. But she didn't care. Her hands threw themselves around his shoulders to steady herself as he kissed her.

The kiss was intense, needy, desperate. No matter how many times she could have imagined their first kiss, she never could have imagined it would be like this. That it would be as magical as this. Eddie kissed her like he was dying and she was the only life line he had left, it didn’t matter how close he could get because it would never be close enough for him.

Finally it was the overwhelming need of oxygen that forced them to pull away from each other. Arms still holding one another tight. Nothing was said between them, the only sound was the two of them breathing heavily. She was dizzy from the kiss, from the intensity of it.

And she was totally and utterly overcome with her feelings for him.

"Shit..." Eddie cursed under his breath as he pulled her even closer, squeezing her in his arms. "If I knew it would feel that good to kiss you I would have admitted my feelings forever ago."

"Forever?" She looked up at him and found his brown eyes meeting hers. "That's at least how long it has felt." Eddie chuckled at her as he hugged her tight. And for a moment they could just stand there, wrapped in each other not saying anything surrounded by the quiet of the trailer park.

"Can I kiss you again?" Eddie asked and she nodded in return, longing for the feeling of his lips against hers again. He leaned down and captured her lips with his, this time it was slower, tender. He was focused on savoring her, drowning in the feeling of her lips, her taste.

Eddie was totally gone, kissing her felt heavenly and he never wanted to stop. Pulling away he rested his lips against her forehead for a moment.

"Changed your mind about that ride?" He asked slyly before pressing a quick kiss to her lips, quickly becoming addicted to the feeling of her lips against his own. "Or maybe staying?" He said before giving her another kiss.

“Only if you call my parents and tell them why I won’t be coming home tonight.”

Eddie paused for a second and she swore she could have seen the gears turning in his head as he was weighing his options. “If it means if I get to spend the night with you, it’ll be worth it.” He pulled her close, letting her rest her head against his shoulder and they simply stood there for a moment. Needing time to process what had just happened.

“Is this weird?” She finally said, peeking up at him from where she stood.

“Totally weird.” He agreed and laughed. She could feel the vibrations of his laugh from deep within his chest. “But in a good way, in a very good way.” 

“Ok, good.” She breathed out a sigh of relief. “Just making sure.”

Tags for mutuals - @uglypastels @naturallytom @anaaaispunk @hey-its-grey  @shadowfae1878 @munsonlover

Please let me know if you’d like to be included on my tag list!

[geekfanficwriter]

Caught Somewhere in Time- Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader Part 15/?

Summary: You end up in the 80s, 20 years earlier than it should be luckily a certain metalhead is about to make your time in the 80s much easier. Words: 2.1k Warnings: sexual themes

Part 14 Part 16

Masterlist

9th September 1985

‘First day of senior year.’ Eddie says throwing his arm around your shoulder as the two of you make your way into the school. 

‘For me maybe.’ You poke back at him.

‘Come on, I’ve told you this before, I was just waiting for you to catch up to me. I’m definitely going to graduate this year.’ He laughs kissing the side of your head as you make your way over to your locker.

‘And I’ve told you, if you annoy me in class, then I won’t sleep with you.’ 

‘Is that really a punishment for me? Or is it more of a punishment for you as you’ll be missing out on all this?’ He says, indicating to his body with the hand that wasn’t over your shoulders. You roll your eyes and wiggle out from underneath him, going to open your locker and pull out your books. Before you can grab your books, Eddie moves behind you and grabs them from your locker, holding them for you.

‘I’ll carry your books you’re still healing.’ He tells you cradling them in one arm.

‘Eddie, I’m fine. Look no cast.’ You say holding up your now cast-free wrist and waving it around.

‘The doctor said it could take up to a year to heal fully.’ He points out and you roll your eyes at him again.

‘He also said that I should continue to do my daily activities in order to help it heal.’ You say crossing your arms.

‘I’m just trying to be a helpful boyfriend, why do you have to be so independent all the time?’ He pouts at you.

‘Fine, I guess you can help me, although I’m pretty sure the only reason is that you don’t actually have the books and you want to use them.’ 

‘I’m offended that you’d think so lowly of me. Even if it is the truth.’ He says dramatically clutching his chest.

‘Oh, by the way, you’re not working this evening right?’ He asks you. After the mall had ‘burnt down’ you had gotten a new job at the grocery store as a cashier. It was even worse than working in the bookstore but you needed to earn some money, especially as you were graduating the next year.

‘Nope, I’m off work although I am working before your gig on Tuesday so I’ll have to meet you there but I promise I won’t miss it.’ You tell him.

‘You better not. You missed one in January so that’s your limit for this year.’ He joked with you.

‘I had the flu! And you shouldn’t have been playing cause you also had the flu, Gareth told me you nearly passed out on stage.’ 

‘I didn’t have the flu, Eddie Munson does not get sick.’ He protests.

‘Okay, is that why you spent the next three days in bed?’

‘I didn’t want to leave you alone while you were sick. Anyway, tonight, I think we should go on a proper date, it’s been a while since we’ve been on one.’ 

‘Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. What’s the plan?’ You ask him.

‘I’ll think one up and tell you in class.’ He leans in and presses a kiss to your lips. 

‘You know that’s really gross, right?’ You heard a voice say from next to you. You looked over and saw Robin standing there with her arms crossed.

‘Aw, don’t worry Robin we’ll find you a boyfriend.’ Eddie said and your eyes widened.

‘No, we won’t.’ You elbowed Eddie.

‘Yeah, I really don’t want you to help me.’ Robin said.

‘Alright, I feel like I’m missing something.’ Eddie said looking between the two of you. 

‘It’s nothing babe.’ You say, kissing his cheek. Just at that moment, the bell rings, indicating it’s time for the three of your to head to class.

‘Thanks for not telling Eddie about me.’ Robin says as the two of you walk to the cafeteria. Your period before lunch was one of the few you didn’t have with Eddie so you decided to meet him in the cafeteria.

‘It’s alright.’ You shrug. You knew that it wasn’t your place to tell others about Robin’s sexuality, even if you knew Eddie would be okay with it.

‘I’m surprised you didn’t, to be honest.’ 

‘Yeah well, it’s the only secret I actually feel good about keeping.’ You say looking down at your hands.

‘You still haven’t told him? Y/N, you said you would!’ She exclaims.

‘I did.’ You had said that. At some point, after going to the hospital you had made a decision you were going to tell Eddie the truth about everything. ‘It’s just every time I try, I see those big brown eyes and I feel so guilty about lying that I can’t tell him. Plus if I tell him and then something else happens, he’ll want to be involved and I don’t want that.’

‘So you feel guilty about lying so you keep lying?’ She rolls her eyes at you as the two of you walk into the cafeteria. 

‘I know but it doesn’t matter cause I’m not planning on going back to the future anyway.’

‘Y/N, that’s not the point. And- wait why are the kids sat with Eddie?’ You look over at your table and see that Robin is right, Dustin, Mike and Lucas are all sitting there talking to Eddie.

‘Eddie did mention something about wanting new members for Hellfire so maybe that’s why?’ You frown.

‘Hmm, well enjoy. I’ll see you later.’ She waves heading over to sit with the other people in band. You walk over to your own table, taking your seat next to Eddie and pulling out a sandwich from your bag.

‘Hey, babe.’ Eddie smiles at you and before he can ask you pull out another sandwich from your bag and place it in front of him.‘Thanks, babe.’ 

‘I thought you said you were going to remember lunch this year?’ You ask him, raising an eyebrow.

‘Yeah, but it’s only our first day.’ 

‘Well, try to remember tomorrow. Why are you guys here?’ You say turning to the kids.

‘Umm, Eddie came over to us and asked if we wanted to join his DnD club. Why are you here?’ Dustin responds.

‘Eddie’s my boyfriend. Also, I’m in Hellfire Club.’ You shrug.

‘Wait, this is Eddie your boyfriend? Steve said your boyfriend is bad news.’ 

‘Steve doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.’ You shoot back.

‘Umm, do you know these kids?’ Eddie asked clearly confused about this interaction.

‘Yeah, they’re Steve’s kids. I’ve mentioned them to you before.’ 

‘We’re not Steve’s kids.’ Dustin protested.

‘They’re the children that Steve hangs around with because the only friends he has that are his own age are me and Robin. Is that better?’ You roll your eyes as you speak and Dustin nods in approval.

‘So King Steve hangs around with kids now?’ Eddie laughs, before turning to look at the newspaper in front of him.

‘Why do you have a newspaper? And where did you get it from?’ You frown at Eddie.

‘I stole it from the staff room and I wanted to see what was showing at the theatre tonight for our date. Urgh, The Way We Were is showing at the drive-in, we’re not going to see that.’ Eddie frowns, flicking through the theatre showings.

‘We could do something else?’ You suggest,/ reaching over and grabbing his hand.

‘Like what? Not like there’s much to do in this shithole town.’ Eddie grumbles.

‘I don’t know, we could just go out for dinner if there’s nothing good in the theatres.’ You shrug.

‘You’ll get used to them just having conversations together. We reckon they’ll grow out of this love-sick shit at some point in the next 40 years.’ Jeff says to the three freshmen, earning him a kick under the table from you.

‘It’s not our fault the only date you’ve been on is with the head of the abstinence group.’ You shoot back, earning a laugh from Eddie and Gareth.

‘Maybe you two could use some abstinence. Didn’t you get suspended last year for having sex in the Hellfire room?’ He says earning a disgusted groan from the kids.

‘At least we’ve only been caught once.’ Eddie says with a big grin on his face.

‘Eddie, seriously!’ You shout at him. 

‘Seriously you two have issues.’ Jeff rolled his eyes.

‘Yeah, that’s why we’re perfect for each other.’ Eddie leaned over, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you close, kissing you on your forehead. 

‘Anyway, Y/N can you give us a ride to the arcade after school?’ Mike asked, looking over at you.

‘Sorry, kid, Eddie gave me a ride today so you’ll have to bike.’ 

‘The arcade!’ Eddie yelled out and you looked at his confusion. ‘We haven’t been to the arcade together in ages, we should go there for our date tonight.’

‘Yeah but only because I kick your ass every time we go there.’ You smirk at him.

‘You do not.’ He protests and you laugh at him.

‘So this means you’ll give us a ride to the arcade, right?’ Dustin asked.

‘Yeah, I’ll give you kids a ride.’ Eddie turns to them, clearly excited that he finally had a plan for your date.

At the end of the day, you head over to where Eddie’s van is parked. You see the three kids are looking around confused.

‘Van’s over here.’ You nod in the direction of the van walking over, with them trailing closely behind you. Once you reach the van you turn towards them.

‘Look, Eddie doesn’t know about any of the shit that happened so keep your mouths shut. Got it?’ You warn them and they all nod.

‘Why haven’t you told him? I mean I told Max.’ Lucas asked.

‘It’s complicated, okay?’ You sigh and then let out a yelp as you feel a set of arms wrapped around you from behind.

‘What’s complicated, babe?’ Eddie says giving you a kiss on the cheek as you feel his curls tickling your face.

‘Oh you know, life.’ You shrug as you turn your neck to face Eddie, placing a kiss on his lips. ‘Come on, let’s get going.’ Eddie opens up the passenger door for you and you climb in as the kids climb in behind you. Eddie moves over to the driver’s side, climbing in and starting up the car.

‘Now, I’m about to introduce you kids to some real music.’ Eddie says, reaching over and turning on the stereo, Metallica blasting through the speakers as he pulls out of the parking lot.

He drives along, his hand planted firmly on your thigh as he head bangs to the loud music. Eventually, he parks up outside the arcade, turning off the engine and looking at you.

‘Ready to have your ass kicked?’ Eddie smirked, squeezing your thigh.

‘In your dreams, Munson.’ You smirk at him, as the kids climb out of the van, clearly not wanting to watch the two of you flirt.

‘I mean I have plenty of dreams about you but they’re definitely not so PG.’ He leans in close to you.

‘Stop trying to get out of losing, Eddie.’ You smirk leaning forward and placing a kiss on his nose. 

‘Oh, it’s on.’ Eddie climbs out of the van, running over to your side and opening the door for you.

‘Always such the gentlemen.’ You say as he grabs your hand, pulling you into the arcade. You make your way over to one of the two-player machines to play against each other. Eddie inserts a quarter into the machine, making it start up. You both play the game, fighting against each other, fairly evenly matched. You don’t take your eyes off the screen but you lean over to Eddie.

‘If you win I’ll give you a blowjob.’ You whisper in his ear. Eddie groans taking his eyes off the screen and looking at you. You use the opportunity to strike the final blow, laughing as you win.

‘Told you I was better than you.’ You smirk at him.

‘You’re a little menace, you know that.’ He pouted up at you. You placed a kiss on his lips, wrapping your arms around his neck.

‘I wouldn’t be if you weren’t so easy to wind up.’ You say as his hands land on your hips.

‘It’s worth it to spend time with you.’ You falter for a moment. The smile slipping off your face.

‘Eddie, I-‘ You start, looking into his eyes. ‘I love you.’ You smile at him. 

‘I love you, too.’ He smiles back. You just couldn’t bring yourself to tell him the truth, even though you wanted to.

—————

Taglist: @michaelfuckinglangdon @taygra5shaon @eddiemunson4ever @little-diva-gurl @oxbunnehxo @fentyreligion @bellegirl16 @smol-book-nerd @pbeckn26 @luvfrlslou @maicclg @ruinedbythehobbit​  @lillyof-thevalley @yourdailymemedelivery

[runwithwolvcs]

Right Where You Left Me

Part One

New Developments

No Warnings

I’ve spent the last six months slipping out of my window and into Paul’s, spending the night quietly wrapped up in each other before slipping out again early the next morning. No feelings involved, that was the deal. It was working for the most part,  the one thing in my life that I didn’t have to worry about. until I did. Paul was changing, physically and emotionally. I ragged on him about the use of anabolic steroids but he denied ever taking anything, though the signs were all there. he from the typical physique of an eighteen year old, athletic boy to a body builder, with ticking time bomb attitude. It was never aimed at myself, but usually the boys he called his friends. It had gotten so bad that he was kicked off the soccer team. Although he no longer needed a tutor, his incentive ripped from him, he still showed up every Tuesday after school.

 I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about him.

My friend Leah Clearwater had noticed the same behaviour changes in her older boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend, Sam Uley, a few months before he fell madly in love with her cousin, Emily. It was sick and cruel. I had listened to enough of her rants to know that Sam was not a kind person, so when Jared Cameron started hanging around him like a lost puppy, the entire school was confused.I just hoped Paul was wise enough to not get involved with them, but as I climbed through his window in the late hours of the night, that hope felt lost.

“You weren’t at school today.” Was the first thing he said to me, as if that was the big drama of the day. I had heard what had happened via text messages from Tessa Calloway, though she was one to exaggerate situations, she was still my best friend and most reliable source at school. 

“I had a family thing.” I grazed his cheek gently over the purple bruise that had started to form, “What happened?”

“Shiloh Deloria happened.” Paul grumbled, pulling away from my touch. I try not to frown, Paul and Shiloh had been friends since middle school. Best friends even, they were nearly inseparable at school. He had even sat in on a few tutoring sessions. 

Paul cupped my cheek before pressing his lips to mine, signalling this was not a conversation he wanted to happen, but I didn’t care.

“Did you start it?” I asked, pulling my lips from his. Now he was the one frowning.

“He deserved it,” he griped, running his thumb over my bottom lip, “Cal did fuck all about it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He said,” he cleared his throat, uncertainty in his eyes, “He said that Cal should hit you up again, considering your mom still keeps your dad around.”

“What?” I was confused. What did my mom have to do with what happened between Calian and I?

.

“Your dad..Fuck, I shouldn’t be the one telling you this.” Paul took a step away from, moving towards his bed pushed up against the wall of his bedroom. I notice as he sits that the posters of his favourite soccer team were torn down, the only poster left on his wall was of a woman with barely there clothing sprawled out across the hood of a fancy sports car. 

“Well you’ve already started so finish it,” I press the subject, following him to sit on his too small of a bed.

“Your dad's cheating on your mom.” he blurted out so fast that I barely caught the words.

My face pales in disbelief, “No, he’s not.”

“Shilohs aunt lives in Tacoma, and when they went to visit, he was there with her.” Paul explained, and it clicked. The business meetings my dad had to go to in Tacoma every few weeks was nothing more than a visit to his side chick.

“When did he visit?”

“Two months ago maybe.”

“What the fuck..” I mumble as I lay back onto his bed, the room suddenly spinning. I look at Paul in confusion, but he just stares back with concern, “Why’d you hit him?”

“He also said that maybe you take after your dad more and get around a lot, Cal laughed and I lost it.”

“You’re an idiot..”  I trail off, not finishing my sentence with what I really wanted to say.

“But?”

Now I’m the one who wants this conversation to be over.

“I didn’t really come here to talk.” I looked away from him and at the ceiling, it was true. I came here to escape my reality, not fall deeper into it.

“No?”

I shook my head, and that was all he needed to climb over me, his hands by my head and his knee spreading my legs apart so that he could settle himself between them. I tangle my fingers into his shaggy hair, tugging him closer to me. Paul let out a groan before opening his mouth and gliding his tongue across my lower lip. Leaning into the kiss, I part my lips allowing him into my mouth. 

I make quick work of discarding his hoodie, and then his shirt, leaving  him bare chested on top of me. The new muscles he had gained felt like silk under palms as I ran my hands down his back. Paul pressed his pelvis into mine and I arched my back to get closer to him.

He moves from my lips to my neck, a warm hand slipping under my tshirt and to my breast, teasing me over my bra. It wasn’t long before he pried the shirt off my body and moved his way down between the valley of my breasts, then stomach, only stop at the top of my sleep shorts to untie them and then tug them down my legs, I kicked them off when the were low enough as he positioned himself between my legs, one over his shoulder the other bent in a comfortable position, out of his way. 

“Matching set, huh?” Paul observed, toying with the waistband of her black panties that matched her lacy black bra.

“Just because they’re both black, doesn’t mean they’re matching,” I bite back at him.

Paul clicked his tongue in response, as he slowly inserted his fingers into the waistband. I bite my lip in anticipation as his fingers trace my folds, collecting my growing arousal, “Today sucked,” his voice hoarse, as he pushed two fingers into me. My back arches at the familiar feeling. I can feel his gaze on me as he watches me quickly unravel, “...need you to make it better,” he mumbles, kissing my inner thigh. 

I flush at his words, they never held any real meaning but in the heat of the moment, I felt like the only girl on his mind.

His tongue teased and circled your entrance. His hands pushed my legs further apart so that he could gain better access to my core,  which he claimed was made just for him. 

“F-Fuck, Paul. I’m gonna-”

“…not gonna stop until you cum.” He pressed his tongue harder against my folds, knowing now that I was close. I gripped the sheets beneath, twisting them so hard that the fitted sheet popped off the corner of his mattress.

My hips buck involuntarily and he uses his hands to press them back down, holding me there as he continues to thrust his fingers into me, his tongue pressing against my clit. 

Paul Lahote was not a selfish lover. There had been many nights where he just satisfied myself and asked for nothing in return, he claimed that watching me cum from his tongue or fingers was satisfying enough. It added to his overinflated ego. 

As I clench around his fingers, I have to cover my mouth to suppress the moans trying to escape, knowing his dad was probably asleep just down the hall.

“That’s it, babygirl. Cum for me.” he goaded, lapping up anything that he could.

Paul looked up at me from between my legs as I tried to catch my breath, my heart fluttering with ecstasy. He gives me some time as he reaches over into his nightstand, opening the drawer that I know he stores his condoms in and plucking one out.

He readies himself before settling back in between my legs, placing a chaste kiss to my lips. I can feel his length against my pelvic bone, the weight of it made me giddy, “ready?” he asks, stroking the hair out of my face. I nod, leaning up to kiss him again. He indulges in me as he lines himself up with my entrance, thrusting in halfway causing me to gasp against his lips. He uses that to slip his tongue in my mouth, pulling his hips back before thrusting in again. No matter how many times we’ve been in this position, it feels like the first time. His size was definitely something to gloat about.

Paul doesn't bother taking his time knowing I’ve cum already, this is for him. I rock my hips with the rhythm he's set, our hips meeting each other in synchronised efforts. He quietly grunts as he chases his own release, my fingers dig into his back as I can feel the pressure building in my core again. I clench around him and he groans into my mouth. Fucking me with vigor as pushes himself over the edge, thrusting into me until he bottoms out. I can feel him twitching inside of me as he leans his forehead down on mine, whispering, “my girl.”

I press my lips to his and smile, he sure knows how to make a girl feel special. His ‘process’ certainly works, though I would never tell him that. 

He rolls off of me and heads to the bathroom attached to his room, taking care of cleaning up himself. I moved into a sitting position and checked my phone, making sure I had no SOS texts from Delta. The tan boy comes out with a wet washcloth and meticulously cleans up the mess he made between my thighs before tossing it in his laundry bin at the foot of his bed. 

Paul climbed back into bed, pulling me with him so that I was laying against his chest. The first time we had sex I left right after that was part of the deal, we’ve somehow progressed into having late night pillow talks until the alarm I have set for six am sounds, signalling for me to leave. Though we usually talk about everything and nothing all at the same time, there's one thing I’ve never told him. The one thing that made me look at him as a sort of stress reliever in the first place.

“Can I tell you something that's kind of a secret?” I ask moving to rest my chin on his chest, looking up at him as our slick bodies stuck together.

“Mhm.” Paul nods, tucking my hair behind my ear on one side.

“My mom has cancer.” His hand halts at my words, and I add, “Stage four.”

“Since when?” The confusion on his face was warranted.

“A year ago.” I mumble quietly. It's a topic of conversation that I don't think i’ll ever be comfortable with. “They said it was progressing slowly, but she’s been getting worse everyday.”

“The family thing.”

“Yeah,” I confirmed.

“I’m sorry, Sask.”

“Don’t be. It is what it is and nothing anyone says or does is going to change it.” I say, turning onto my back as my phone lights up with the one message I didn’t want tonight.

SOS - Delta

I groan as I sit up, grabbing his hoodie from earlier in the day and my sleep shorts and quickly throwing them on as he watches intently, “ I gotta go. Try not to start any fights tomorrow, you’re my only excuse to not be home at the moment.” 

That was the last thing I said to Paul Lahote. He never showed up the next day, or the day after. It was three weeks before anyone saw him, and when they did, he was glued to Sam Uley's side. Another one gone. Though this one was disappointing.

Winter break came and went, so did my mom's health. 

She died during the first week back at school. My sister, Delta, was handling it surprisingly well for a twelve year old. I wish I could say the same about my dad, he wasn’t home much, and when he was, he was in a bottle. As if he didn’t have any more responsibility within this family, maybe it was the guilt of cheating on his dying wife. I hoped that’s what it was at least.

And through it all, the one person who could help me escape reality was nowhere to be seen or heard.

[suuilee]

for me, ian was:

saying goodbye to my parents at the airport.

reassuring them that a category 2 wasn't the end of the world. it was holding up a shutter while my brother drilled in the next. buying just enough water, and cooking just enough food. arguing with him two days before landfall whether to stay or go, for a storm shifted to a monster.

taking down the first room i've gotten to decorate since losing our childhood home.

deciding what i needed to leave behind; "just in case".

making the judgement call to not evacuate.

what they don't tell you about that part is: many, many people had no choice.

our highways cornered us before we even knew what was overhead. later, we found out if we had fled, we would have been an eventual rescue in the middle of central florida, with no way home.

no one really prepares you for landfall.

i can't count on my fingers; the amount of times people would tell me we were overreacting. that this wouldn't be "the big one".

ian was going to bed on a tuesday, believing we would wake up to a cat 3 on wednesday.

we lost power on a wednesday morning, our cell towers went down shortly after. we had no idea what was coming. a phone call from my mom broke through. my parents don't cry, and i don't think they have ever sobbed harder. carrying their guilt of not being there with us. thinking they left us behind, almost felt worse than being told something we never anticipated—

—category 4, but you might as well call it a five; unless you’re an insurance company. 

nervous laughter at waffle house closing; jim cantore right next door. i didn't think those stories were real. being a spectacle to the world is like being in the eye itself. i don't wish that on anyone.

intensifying overnight, ian was destined to hit us at at exactly 2 pm, with not one eye wall, but two.

dropping the call meant sitting in the dark, which meant waiting, which meant playing a board game; distracting us from the inevitable.

"sorry" took on a whole new meaning.

my dad once said: better to have it and not need it, than to need it, and not have it.

the winds whistling into the 100s made us thankful for the shutter we agonized over. did you know that there’s a difference between a whistle versus the sound of a train? dead silence is the opposite of safety. tornadoes have always scared me.

i found out purgatory is equivalent to 14 hours; 30, if you count the power outage and contaminated water. longer, if you count crying over friends who you didn’t know were safe, hurt, or dead.

i don't like calling us lucky.

it's an ugly truth, and an uncomfortable one.

there isn't any relief in saying we were lucky, because what about the people who got the direct hit?

in fort myers, where the beach no longer exists? in sanibel, where their only way out was severed in half? inland, where they thought they were out of the cone's way? those who fled from tampa to further south, where they were told they would be safer?

why are we forgetting cuba?

a last-minute shift doesn’t mean a last-minute celebration.

the very people in the midst of tragedy, who social media is condemning. there isn’t a joke that can be made to remove that bitter taste.

somehow, the whole country knows better.

what they would do in our position. how to leave. it’s easy, if you try hard enough. why would anyone want to live in the south? you knew this would happen. it's your fault for staying.

what they don't teach you is empathy. both in definition, and in practice. i wish i hadn't looked at my phone.

i'm glad i did.

my brother and i watched ian high-tail out of our area.

he was, and is, the anchor to my drifting ship. never would i have thought we would have to play out the act of putting eachother's lives in eachother’s hands. 

i hope to do the same for others. they don’t tell you about the survivor’s guilt. i guess that's something you learn on your own; but i’m not alone.

we will heal. we will cry. we will recover. we will make it.

that may be easier said than done.

baby steps are better than none.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, APRIL 23, 1991 It’s so hard to believe I’ve only been here for 23 days. It seems like so much longer.

Kim and I have continued to have great times together. Can you believe she bought me $75 roller skates?! They’re so nice too. They’re the boot kind and they’re indoor skates rather than my old outdoor sneaker skates. The boots are white with neon pink wheels. Since I got my schedule pretty much normal, I’m gonna go roller skating this Thursday night.

Next, she’s talking about a new spring jacket. You know me, I never ask and she won’t take no for an answer, but it feels weird. Only my parents would buy me stuff like that. But then again, Brenda bought stuff here and there till she came into money problems and I helped her out. I was more than happy to return the favor, but not for crack.

Kim may have gotten a job at the doctor’s office where I went to follow up on my asthma. He gave me a new inhaler and in between that and the clean fresh air, my breathing better. Also, my skin looks and feels better and my hair is growing faster and my hair always grew like a weed to begin with.

This Earth Day thing has hundreds of people spending many hours cleaning up the Mill River. They wait till I leave to do it.

I spoke with Jenny who called earlier and we had a nice chat. Bill hasn’t called back yet but I’ve spoken with Hank and Nervous and have yet to speak with Jessie, Steve or Brenda. I’m not sure that I will but I’ve got to contact Jessie to arrange for her to either bring the bathing suits she borrowed up here or mail them. I don’t know yet when Tammy’s coming up yet or when Mom and Dad are.

Oh, almost forgot, I spoke with Andy yesterday and I played him new edits.

I do have more to write about but I’m in one of my phases where I’m not in the mood to write so, I’ll continue updating later.

THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 1991 I had a really good talk with Kim last night and she bought me something that cost between $20-$40 and has 20 or 30 pieces and also 5-6 colors but insists it’s a surprise. She says I’ll love it and that she can’t wait till I see it. She also said it was something I mentioned once or twice when we first met. She kept giving me all these weird clues and even drew part of it from two different angles. I still have no idea what the heck it is, but I guess it’s music-related.

Tammy also called to tell me she may be here the weekend after next but she’ll soon let me know for sure. Lisa still has strep throat and I spoke with her, too, briefly. Tammy also said that a cat she’s been feeding had two kittens under Lisa’s bed. She may give them to me, but I have to wait 6 more weeks before they’re done nursing. I also told Tammy how Kim feels about Mark and how she feels about me.

TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 1991 Kim came over and we chatted for a while. This week she’s gonna take me to get the discount form for the heat/AC bill. Also, I’ll go to SS and welfare about my food stamps. I don’t need to sign up for next winter’s fuel assistance program till this July or August. I will not transfer banks till my book of checks run out and I’m now on my last book. The other thing I’ve got to do is get a new address label for my license. Thank God I don’t need to renew it till ‘93 or ‘94. All I have to do is get this little sticker you stick on the back of it. I remember that when I moved to Oswego St. Of course, moving back to Woodside Terrace, all I needed to do was peel the sticker off.

I watched a little TV earlier with Mark and when Kim was here I played her the slurred edits. Of course, she was amused. I mean, they are so funny. I’ll never get sick of any of my edits although I need to start doing more which I’ve got to send to Andy along with other stuff. Old stuff that he never got that got edited right after he got the tapes I made for him and that was quite long ago. I think the last thing Andy got was Donna A so I’ll pick up from there if that’s where I left off.

I’ll write more about my hair and weight later. I may verbalize it a lot but haven’t written about it in a long time.

MONDAY, APRIL 8, 1991 Damn, am I bored! I wish Kim were here more often. I guess I’d still much rather be bored here than in Crack Alley. I am, however, going out Wednesday and Thursday nights.

Shadow didn’t go roof climbing today but he sure did once again yesterday. I made the perfect leash for him too, or so I thought. I took an old necklace that wasn’t too tight, nor was it loose enough for him to slip it off over his head. Then I tied a long ribbon securely to the necklace but he managed to snap the necklace in half. I’ve got to get a real leash.

Other than that I did nothing spectacular today other than walk to the store to buy smokes and watch A Current Affair.

There is something me and Kim are working on. The same fun project as what we did with that Dr. Statz. You know, snooping. Of course, as I mentioned before, the doc is gay. Or bi, I should say, but is married to some rich lawyer. Well, it’s this cop and you know I’ve always had a thing for them. I don’t know her name, therefore I’ve given her the name Jamie. Like I said long ago, every now and then I’m attracted to one where you can tell. Remember? It’s once in a million years with a feminine one and once in a billion years with a half-butchy one. Never a diesel butch. Well, maybe I should keep that last line and change the rest. Every 15 years with a feminine one and every 50 years with a half and half. You can tell but she’s pretty at the same time and Kim agrees.

Kim tried snooping around yesterday but couldn’t get her alone. She did hear Jamie say how much she hates Springfield and when she has kids, she’s not raising them in Springfield. Kim then asked her if she was married and Jamie said no and then quickly changed the subject.

Kim is like me. We both know things instantly about all kinds of people. Things that most people never know unless they’re told or find out somehow someway. My gut feeling is that she’s spoken for. She’s a cop. Not that God would allow me to have her anyway and if he did I’d dump her real soon of course. Or, of course, she’d dump me if I didn’t dump her. Anyway, it all comes down to what I said before about snooping and playing detective. It’s fun and the chase is always better than the capture. I like to be wondering and guessing even though I know I’ll never have her.

Oh. I never mentioned how I ran into her, but it was by asking for a light at the ER while waiting for Brenda to pick me up. I also think I may have seen her a little over a year or so ago late at night when Andy and I were out. Another thing is, and God I hope to hell I’m wrong, but I think that when I was dragged into jail for calling that pig, she might have seen me there.

I’ll keep writing about what happens (nothing).

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 1991 I just spoke with Andy who’s still doing just fine and loving Phoenix. He reminded me that our clocks here go ahead an hour but they don’t change out there. Weird, huh? He’ll now be 3 hours earlier.

I played him the slurred edits, where I had the pause button partially down. They are so funny. I may do more editing later now that I have two tracks in working condition.

I fell asleep near 5 AM yesterday morning and woke, as usual, 4 hours later with an attack. Not a killer one, but a very annoying one. Kim is picking me up a refill on Alupent on her way to Springfield to work at Baystate. I’ve got a doctor that Kim called to follow up with this Monday.

Also, I stopped my Theodur like a jerk, but you know I hate any kind of drug. After the Navane, I’ve been really paranoid although that too has been better since I moved. What a major curse Springfield was.

Kim is so great and so sweet. She’s everything I look for in a person. I feel I can never express how grateful I am for all that she’s done for me. It’s like being rescued from Valleyhead. She’s a person that comes rare and is far and few between. I will just repay her by being a good friend.

Also, I was right from the very beginning as I may have mentioned before. She is very attracted to me and who I am. It’s amazing too, as I’ve always said, “Is there anyone out there who’s sane and upper class but yet will accept me for who and what I am?”

Sure enough, as we both agreed, we’re a lot alike. Not all serious, not all nuts. We’re both half-sane, half-insane. Also, she’s like me in always wanting to help others. I feel guilty, though, as I have no money to give her if she needed it. She doesn’t need it but part of me wishes we could swap incomes for a week or so, so I could do for her what she’s done for me. I wish she were here with me now. I could use the company and I’m bored but I don’t do walks at night even though I can usually defend myself quite well. I did cruise up and down Elm St. a bit today at around 2:30. It was 80º today and I got a great breeze through my windows, even though Kim and I have yet to figure out how to open the skylights. Thank God cats are sure-footed as Shadow went roof cruising for an hour or so. Can you believe it? I was scared shitless for him at first but even though he enjoyed it and was not hurt, I’m getting him a leash. That way he can also accompany me on walks. I tried taking a big ribbon and tying him up to one of the posts on the deck but he just kept slipping it off of his neck and going about his tour.

I feel so happy and safe since I’ve moved, but at the same time, a little lonely. I miss my friends and I can’t lie, you know me, but the urge for a lover is picking up here and there. I hate that feeling. I’ve learned now, that those feelings don’t mean I’m weak and yes I know you can be with someone and still be independent, but I still wish I could want to be alone 100% of the time. Oh well. I couldn’t get someone if I wanted to as I’ve written about 10 billion times before.

Getting back to Kim, sometimes I wish she were here to give me a hug and just hold me, but I try to keep my feelings inside. There’s no point saying anything. The last thing I need to do is make her feel depressed or burdened in any way and I don’t want her to feel used. I only hope I haven’t talked too much already. I also feel like a jerk cuz all my bottled-up frustration came out earlier today when I had that attack. Sometimes that’s the only way to vent it out, though, and get it out of me, rather than trash my place or something stupid like that. Those days are over and I haven’t slashed my wrists since age 17 and even though I was trapped, a minor and couldn’t and wouldn’t hurt the ones hurting me. Like I said, they’re over.

I don’t want to lead Kim on either, as I am not attracted to her.

Time for some hot chocolate.

I want to be a singer!!!

Wait till I tell Kim about that call.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 1991 South Deerfield…

Boy, do I ever have lots to write about. Yes, I’ve finally moved and man oh man is it quiet here. No people yelling. No horns honking. All you hear 2-3 times a day, but only during the day, is a train passing by. It runs right by Kim’s apt. I like trains, though.

Today is my father’s birthday. He’s 60, but he says he still feels young. No one in the family looks their age except for Tammy.

Tammy had told me she was writing a farewell letter to Mom, but she and Dad could call to keep in touch with Lisa, Becky, and Sarah. However, she must have spoken to them or maybe only Dad cuz he said earlier tonight that Tammy said she was gonna drive up this weekend but Lisa got sick.

I feel like I’m on some luxury vacation in a big beautiful hotel. I mean this place is huge! I never thought I’d laugh my ass off about the Woodside apartment. I had so much fun using my dishwasher, Jacuzzi, trash compactor and my washer and dryer.

It also is easier to breathe here for sure and the temperature was 72º today. Therefore, I had my big window door open and other windows and I got a hell of a breeze. We are more up in the mountains and cuz it’s further north, it’s colder and it snows more in the winter.

Shadow loves it here. He seems much happier here and causes less trouble. No more eating my napkins or going in the pails.

Like I mentioned before, we each have our own stairwells. There are 30 stairs that go straight up and Shadow loves it when I toss his balls down and he chases them. His litter box is down there too, along with Gloria’s pictures. I keep him there at night with a bowl of dry food. His canned food is up in the kitchen. And, of course, the toilet paper in the bathroom.

The day before I left, Jai came over and we had a great visit. I saw his place too and says he and Jenny will come up sometime. Also Steve and Jessie and hopefully Brenda, too. Also, Nervous came up the day before I moved and helped Kim and I drain the waterbed. It really was easy and lots of fun. I really enjoyed Nervous visiting, too.

Later…

I just finished listening to my stereo. I used that $488 fuel assistance check but I got a great deal on it anyway. It’s sort of like my old stereo which Brenda now has. It looks a lot like it and it came with the same kind of stand. I got it all for only $275 and that includes a turntable, dual cassette, AM/FM radio, and the CD player. The CD player was a separate unit. Editing works out great and the only thing I hate is the continuous play. I can’t rewind a tape while I’m listening to another. I have one speaker on top of the bedroom. The bedroom is the only one with a lower ceiling and is basically in the center of the place. The cathedral ceilings slant down over that and the rest of the place. The bedroom ceiling does slant too and part of it is straight. It’s super hard to describe. You have to see it.

Earlier, I had pork chops for dinner with Kim and Mark.

Mark saw the place since it’s all been fixed up and decorated and he freaked. Kim saw it when I got it all done 2 days ago. I love to decorate. I guess it’s the creativity in me and also being artistic.

So that’s it. Other than that, I spoke with Tammy and Hank, painted my nails and drew a picture.

[doctorstethoscope]

The Shirt || A. Hotchner x Fem Reader

Hi besties, here is some smut for your Tuesday evening! No real reason I just had a rough day at work and wanted to write something self-indulgent. 

18+ CONTENT AHEAD MINORS DNI 

contains: sir/daddy kink, thigh riding, dom aaron, spanking, degradation, oral (f receiving) penetrative sex

wordcount: 2.7k

Aaron was beginning to wonder if he needed to brush up and take a profiling course. You’d been sitting across from him in his office, stabbing and picking at your salad for the better part of the last twenty minutes, and he still couldn’t figure out what was wrong. 

You couldn’t be mad at him, he figured, or else you wouldn’t have joined him for lunch. You’d been joking around with everyone in the bullpen all morning, so no problems there. Maybe it was something with your parents? He knew your mother had called a couple weeks ago and gotten on your nerves, but you’d seemed to have moved past that. He was at a total loss. 

“Did you sleep okay?” He tried, knowing full well that you had. He practically had to pull you out of bed this morning. 

“Yeah, I did,” you looked up from your salad and smiled at him. 

So she’s definitely not mad at me, Aaron thought to himself. “You feeling okay?” He asked. 

“Yeah, baby. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”  You shook your head, looking back down at the lettuce you were meticulously poking. 

“Whatever it is, it’s clearly not nothing,” he chuckled. “You’ve hardly touched your lunch and you can barely look me in the eye.” 

“We can talk about it later, Aaron.” You told him. 

“Oh, so now there is something to talk about!” He said, victorious. “Spill.” 

“You really don’t want to know.” You warned, and he reached across the table to take your hand in his. 

“Of course I do.” He tells you, looking you in the eye and trading his previous mirth for a look of concern. 

You felt the heat rise to your cheeks before you even spoke. “You look really, really good today.” You confessed lowly. 

“Oh?” Aaron asked, confused. 

“And I can’t focus, because all I can think about is crawling under that desk and pulling down your fly and--”

“Naughty girl,” Aaron cooed, and you laughed. 

“I tried to warn you.” you said, looking down at your food again, embarrassed. 

“That you did.” He agreed with a smirk on his face. 

“You don’t have to look so pleased about it, you know.” You rolled your eyes at him, and he stepped out of his chair, moving to the other side of the desk to tilt your chin up and kiss you. 

“I’m smiling,” he whispered against your lips before kissing you again, “because I’m thinking of everything I’m going to do to you the minute we cross the threshold tonight.” He leaves your lips to plant a kiss on your jawline and you’re standing up and throwing your arms around him in an instant, grateful for his closed blinds. He indulges you for another moment, although you're certain it’s only to get you more hot and bothered, before separating his mouth from you and giving your ass a quick slap. 

“Now, go back to your desk and try to behave, and we’ll see what kind of fun you’ve earned when we get home.” He whispered in your ear and you shuttered. 

“Yes sir,” you whispered back, not daring to look him in the eye for fear that your knees would buckle. 

The anticipation for the rest of the day was torture, for both you and Aaron. But he could at least have the good grace not to hide it so well. You tried not to look like you were rushing out of the office, but in truth you didn’t know how much longer you could be patient for. You silently thanked whatever God was out there that Jack had taken the bus home with a friend for a sleepover this afternoon as you slipped into the passenger’s seat of Aaron’s SUV for the ride home, anticipation building even further in your stomach. Aaron wrapped an arm behind your seat to pull out of the parking lot, and you watched him out of the corner of your eye. He caught you, and smirked, moving his hand to land on your thigh, pulling you towards him and lighting your skin on fire, even through the material of your dress pants. 

“Aaron,” you mumbled, but he cut you off. 

“Ah, ah. You’ve been such a good girl all afternoon. Don’t spoil it now.” 

You let out an almost imperceptible whimper at his words, but willed yourself to be quiet, worrying your bottom lip against your teeth as Aaron traced patterns into your thigh with his long fingers. Goddamn tease.

He’s silent for the whole drive, letting the consistent motion of his index finger against your thigh do all the talking. You’re breathing so heavily you’re sure he can hear you, but you don’t dare make a sound. By the time Aaron parks the car at home you’re practically buzzing with excitement. He unbuckles his seatbelt, and leans across you to undo yours. 

“We are going to have so much fun this evening,” He whispered before kissing you breathless. You brought your hands to either side of his face, letting him trace his tongue over your teeth before he pulled away. You saw your lipstick smudged on the corner of his mouth and smiled. 

 “For the sake of public decency, we should probably take this inside.” Aaron says, and you open your car door, leaving your purse and his briefcase in the car. He follows you, snaking an arm around you to open the front door for you and let you in first. The door is shut by the weight of your body slamming against it once you are both inside, Aaron not even bothering to flick a light switch before he attached his lips to your neck, nipping and sucking in a way that made your toes curl. 

“I’ve been thinking about taking you all afternoon,” Aaron confessed into your collarbone, moving his hand to unbutton your trousers. “Thinking about how pretty you are going to sound screaming my name when I make you cum.” 

You threw your head back against the door. “Aaron,” you moaned out, working with him to shove your pants down your legs as you kicked your heels off and across the room. 

“Exactly. It’ll be just like that, but louder.” He teased you, pressing a quick peck to your cheek. He slotted his knee in between your legs once your pants were discarded, already able to feel how wet you were against him. 

“Oh, fuck,” you moaned out, pushing his suit off his shoulders and digging your nails into his back through his shirt. 

“Darling, you’re practically ready for me and I’ve barely even touched you. What did it for you? What was it that made you so needy that you were ready to crawl underneath my desk and take my cock into your mouth, feet away from all of our coworkers?” 

You bucked against his thigh as he talked, and he smirked, bringing a hand to rest against your cheek. He knew exactly what he was doing, and you loved and hated him for it in equal measure. “Y-your shirt.” you gasped out.

“My shirt?” He asked, genuinely confused. It was a regular button up shirt, the same type he always wore under his suits. 

“It’s tight.” You stammered out. “And you’re not wearing an undershirt.” 

“Neither are you,” he countered, pulling your own shirt over your head and leaving you in your bra and panties. 

Despite the fact that you were already panting, practically naked, and all but riding his thigh in the doorway of your apartment, you felt a twinge of embarrassment admitting the next part. “I could see your pecs through your shirt. I was thinking about kissing my way down your chest and then sucking you off.” You admitted.

“Such a dirty little whore,” He smirked, and you let the ghost of a smile pass through your face. He reaches behind you to unclasp your bra, and then begins to kiss down your chest, along your ribcage, and in between your breast. You’re sure he’s going to give you mind blowing orgasms that make you forget about all this teasing, but you will yourself to remember if only so you can pay him back. He’s kissed all the way down to your belly button before he picks you up by the thighs and carries you to the bedroom. You wrap your arms around him and take the opportunity to kiss up the column of his neck, pulling his earlobe between your teeth gently before he lays you against the mattress.

He undresses quickly and takes a moment to look at you, cheeks flushed and hair spread over the pillows, chest heaving up and down with the weight of your arousal, and you’re tempted to whine, but you look into his eyes and know that he’s not doing it to tease you-- he’s adoring you. He’s committing every goosebump and every dimple and every beauty mark to memory, because he loves you. You smile. 

“I’m going to make you feel so good,” he whispers against the skin of your breast, “That you can’t walk. You can’t talk. You’ll just be stuck here, blissed out and recovering all weekend. Does that sound good?”

“Yes sir,” you breathe out, and he gets to work. 

He sucks your nipple in between his teeth and immediately your hips buck up off of the mattress. Without abandoning his task, he moves a hand to pin your hips down, but that doesn’t stop you from blindly searching for friction. You were getting desperate, at this point. The hours between lunch and leaving the office had been foreplay all their own, and everything that had happened since you left the office had only intensified your need. He laved your other nipple against his teeth and moved his hand toward your slit, just barely tracing his way up to your clit. 

“You’re so needy. All for me.” He whispered. 

“All for you,” you confirmed breathlessly. 

“What am I going to have to do to keep you satisfied at work all day?” he asked, rubbing against your clit slowly, enjoying the pinch of your brow as you attempted to grind down on his hand. “Should I buy a special vibrator I can leave inside you while we work?” He asked, plunging a finger into you and you cry out. “Should I give you an orgasm right there at your desk, in front of the whole team, while I watch you from my office? Would that keep my little slut satisfied?” He asked, but true to his word you can barely speak. “Should we get you a little plug, angel?” He inquires as he sticks another finger in you. “Keep you good and stretched all day so you’re ready for me when we get home?” He teased you further, pumping his fingers in and out of you. “No, I’m not going to do that. You know why?” He asked, and you knew that this question wasn’t rhetorical. 

“Why?” You gasped out.

“Because,” he starts, inching his way down the mattress to plant a kiss on your hip bone, “I’m possessive, and I like that I’m the only person who can make you feel this good. No one knows your body like I do. No one can bring you to the edge like I do. Isn’t that right?” He asked, now face to face with your pussy and licking his lips in anticipation 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good girl,” he whispers, and replaces his fingers with his tongue in an instant. 

“Fuck!” you scream in pleasure as he drinks from you like a man lost in the desert. You’re certain your eyes roll into the back of your head, and you’re reduced to one continuous drawn out moan as Aaron laps at you greedily for what could have been seconds or hours. Your thighs are shaking, and you feel so good you’re practically drooling. 

“Aar-- fuck, Aaron. If you keep this up I’m going to cum without you.” You warn him urgently. 

You feel his smirk against you before he responds. “I want you to cum, angel. Cum for daddy.” 

The new name does you in-- the rubber band snaps inside of you and you're bucking wildly against him as pleasure courses through you over and over and over again. “Fuck, thank you daddy. Thank you, thank you thank you,” you become a litany of gratitude, unable to form any other thought until you collapse against the mattress, chest heaving. Aaron sidles up against you, kissing you delicately and allowing you a moment to catch your breath.

“Did it live up to the fantasy?” Aaron asked once your breathing evened out. 

“Baby, in my fantasy, you were the one getting off.” You reminded him.

“Details,” he shrugged, kissing your shoulder. You smiled over at him. He was fully prepared to call it here, after giving you one of the best orgasms of your life and getting nothing in return, but you wouldn’t have it. You rolled over, straddling his thighs. “That particular detail is very important to me,” you countered, leaning down across his chest to suck at the base of his neck. He’d be able to cover the purple mark with the collar of his shirt, but you’d know, and that was enough. You start rolling your hips against him, and you feel the groan reverberate in his chest before you hear it. 

“Use me, sir. I’m ready. Use me,” you whisper in his ear, and he deftly maneuvers to enter you. You gasp, still sensitive from your first orgasm but overwhelmed with pleasure. He starts canting his hips up into you, and you get into a comfortable position, satisfied to meet him gently thrust for thrust. 

“You know, you’re lucky I didn’t tease you more after everything you put me through tonight,” you tell him, and he lets out a growl before flipping the two of you over. 

“Mouthy little brat,” he chastises you before lifting one of your thighs over his shoulder so he can drill even further into you. The change in angle is incredible and you’re crying out in moments. 

“I’m gonna cum again. Are you close?” You gasp out, and he turns his head to press a kiss against your leg. 

“Go ahead, doll. I’m right behind you,” he whispers tenderly, and you come undone, your second orgasm somehow even more powerful than the first. True to his word, Aaron comes just after you do, and you both collapse against the mattress and take a moment to catch your breath.

“You did so good, sweetheart. Was that good for you?’ Aaron asked, propping himself up on an elbow and brushing a piece of hair off of your forehead with his free hand. 

“Do you really have to ask?” 

“Of course I do,” he said, looking you in the eye so you knew you weren’t getting out of giving him an answer. 

“It was amazing, hon. You know I would tell you if you pushed too far.” You answer the question you knew he was really asking.

He smiled and leaned in to give you a quick kiss before rolling off of the mattress and padding into the bathroom, returning with a damp washcloth. 

“Alright, sweet girl. Time to clean you up.” He said, climbing back up on the mattress and in between your legs to clean you reverently. “Are you sore? Does anything hurt?” 

You gave him a tired smile. “No more than usual. A good night’s sleep and a fresh bagel from the place down the street in the morning will make everything all better, I think.” 

“For you, anything. Every bagel in Virginia.” He smirked, getting up to dispose of the washcloth. 

You followed him, going into the bathroom to brush your teeth and pee. After a few moments, you’re both back in bed with all the lights off, wrapped up in each other like nothing exists outside of the bed you both shared. True to his promise, Aaron went out and got you both bagels the next morning, and you relaxed the morning away, watching TV and snuggling in bed until it was time to pick up Jack. 

And if Aaron forgot his undershirt more frequently, he’d pretend it was an accident.