#feel like my blog is kinda depressing lately

[silverdori]

a little vent post

and then tagged me specifically under it

not to be a bitch but someone shared a post about world suicide prevention day in a group chat

which usually i'd laugh at but i was having a really bad day so i kinda just.

sat there? i don't know, the person that shared the post didn't even know me that well so it hurt a little bit

[ivorydice]

Torn between feeling incredibly amused and kinda bummed out that an old screenshot of mine that people reposted around is now on some officially licensed collab clothing thing. Like. Aww. But also lmaoooooooo.

[chierry]

damn depression is actually like. kicking my ass pretty hard

[celestie0]

hi friends, i won’t be posting or updating any of my works for an indefinite period n will be on hiatus from this blog as well.

i’ve unlisted kickoff & ihm on ao3 (haven’t deleted, they’ve just been made private) and i’ve unpinned my masterlist here on tumblr (again nothing’s been deleted so you could probably find the chapters if you searched my tags)

but the reason i did that is because i don’t want any new readers finding my works during my hiatus because i don’t want to potentially upset more people in the event that, during this hiatus, i decide that i would no longer like to write my fics

that would be an insanely sad decision to make. i put so much thought into my stories not because i am trying to make them entertaining, but it’s because they genuinely mean so much to me and are cathartic in ways i can’t describe. i have spent a great majority of my life self negating for the sake of others, and so writing was just a form of expression where i could talk about all the things i’ve suppressed over the years - anxiety, career stress, financial stress, avoidance, depression, loss, coming of age, navigating love, etc

but lately, and i do think it’s been a build up of just some careless words from a handful of people over the months, i find myself steering towards a practice of writing that is no longer asking the question “how can i put as much of myself in this piece as possible?” but rather “how can i make sure people won’t criticize this…i feel awful that it doesn’t have what they want it to have…other creators are doing xyz, should i be doing that too?…i’m just scared to share this”

not exactly sure when that shift in headspace began, but as of right now, it’s as strong as ever. and i understand that those questions may seem irrational, and i just have to try to not focus on the feeling, n i wish i was someone that could compartmentalize those thoughts better, but here’s the thing — the whole reason i started expressing myself through writing in the first place was because i’ve spent my whole life compartmentalizing. it would feel so ironic & untrue to the lessons i’ve learned in this journey if i just chose to “suck this up” and continue pushing forward until i reach a point of burnout simply because i don’t want to upset anyone

i’m really sorry i couldn’t focus on the positive. especially with all the insane n incredible amount of love n support i’ve received for my works. i’ve said this time n time again but when i started posting kickoff to ao3 back in january of this year, i had NO idea it would be this loved by so many people…i was like ok can’t wait to interact w these four readers for the rest of the year…and then BAM, i find myself fully sobbing after each chapter update because i was so touched by all the sweet n kind words. i don’t want this decision to come off in a way that makes it seems like i don’t love u guys sm or that i’m ungrateful — i’ve always taken pride in respecting my audience. even for a simple hobby, i try to put effort into my works. i proofread, i plan out, i edit in length, all because i am, well, for one, i’m a bit of a perfectionist LOL but also i think there’s a great deal of honor in respecting an audience that gives you their time n attention

but i already am struggling in my life to focus on the positive. medicine has been such an incredibly daunting career to pursue, i’m honestly only doing slightly better now because i’m just filled with relief that i got into med school to begin with lol it’s still surreal to me, so the stress has been kinda manageable so far on that sense of optimism, but dear god the shit i went through to get here…and the shit i know i still face ahead of me. i spend all of my serotonin on trying to stay positive in the face of my responsibilities. so all of this time i’ve spent trying to stay positive for the sake of my stories too has just left me with so much exhaustion — i just don’t see why posting my works should be anything less than fun and endlessly exciting when it’s a hobby that’s supposed to help me thru the actual brunt of life.

anyways, i’m getting a little carried away here. all this to say, i just need to take time away from posting my works so i can see writing as something for myself n not for others again. i don’t want the thoughts swimming in my head to be thoughts of anxiety over people potentially criticizing me n my creative decisions. i want the thoughts in my head to once again be positive, excited, and nurturing towards my stories. i don’t see how i can accomplish that at this point unless i start writing for myself once more, and not for others

i still have a great deal of passion to write, which is why i haven’t formally taken down my works. i anticipate that i may be able to come back in the future to share my writing again. but as of right now, i just want to heal the relationship that i have with this hobby, and i feel like that’s gotta happen in private (lmfao it sounds like im tryna freak my writing)

i’m sorry that i turned off my asks n my replies, i know so many of u care about me n want to support me n i just am beyond thankful. i don’t anticipate this is a forever goodbye, but i do just need some time rn away from all of this.

hope u all have a happy time!! and take care of yourselves :) much love

- ellie

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

Oct 1st

~*~

1. Hi!!! I’ve been looking for an older fic lately and can’t seem to find it. It’s an explicit modern AU friends with benefits fic where lan zhan realizes he’s in love with wei ying and breaks up with him as a result and then pining ensues. The only specific thing I remember is that the very first scene is of lan zhan realizing he’s in love with wei ying while they are having sex. Thank you for all of your awesome work on this blog!!

FOUND? Honesty is the Best Policy (Except if You’re an Asshole)by piecrust (E, 22k, WangXian, Porn with Feelings, College/University)

~*~

2. Hi! Looking for this fic where WWX's lips got sealed/sewn shut by the cultivation community and imprisoned in Lotus Pier. I *think* JL lets him go or he has to work with LWJ and JWY on a case? TYSM!

FOUND? ❤️ whipstitch by curiositykilled (M, 131k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Dysfunctional Family, Torture, WWX Lives, but basically no one else, Case Fic, Cultivation Sect Politics, Past Abuse, WWX Whump, YLLZ WWX, JL Needs a Hug, JL Tries, Yunmeng Bro Reconciliation, Past Character Death, Body Horror, Non-Consensual Body Modification, POV Alternating, Flashbacks, Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt, PTSD, Depression, Not A Fix-It, Mouth Sewn Shut)

~*~

3. Looking for a fic. Set in cloud recesses era, lan wangji is female and I think Wei wuxian is as well. Lwj is a virgin and wwx sends a paperman up her skirt during class and ends up getting her off. @leahlisabeth

FOUND? Carte Blanche by Rionaa (E, 3k, WangXian, Smut, PWP, Dubious Consent, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Underage Sex, Mutual Masturbation, Macro/Micro, Gender Changes, Cisswap, Female WangXian, also female JC, it's a total gender swap, all the boys are now girls because i say so, Virginity, First Time)

~*~

4. hello again! this is for fic finder. i have an image in my head of wwx going to lotus pier with lwj’s family, i think? he was given a silver and onyx guan by lwj (i think it belonged to his father) and madam yu caught him wearing it and she ripped it out of his hair, saying “so you fancy yourself a young master now?” and later i think lan qiren puts it back in his hair when wwx is with lwj and his family. i think he’s betrothed to lwj here but i’m not sure. @ieatkitcat

FOUND! The Wild Geese’s Tomb by The Feels Whale (miscellea) (T, 66k, WangXian, Time Travel AU, fixit, Temporary Character Death, all women live no women die, LWJ’s canonically intense feelings about everything all the time, WWX’s clinical depression gets treated and blamed on resentful energy, navigating gay marriage in ancient china by utiliizing class snobbery for your own ends, if you’re not sure whose fault anything going on in here is then blaming NHS is probably a good bet, WWX plays ‘summon LWJ’ it’s super effective!, the ‘unexploded cow’ approach to dealing with your enemies)

~*~

5. Please help me find this fic. Lan zhan and nie huaisang travel to past during burial mounds and weight yong create a track hundred holes curse back to who cursed them. And wei ying create yillng guide too. And lan zhan make a new identity. It is archived I think. @wangxian02

For 5, I can't find the fic, but it sounds like one where LZ and NHS became friends, and NHS sent gay porn to LZ (in crates?). The chapter where the tracking of the 100 holes curse was done was one of the last published, and JZx ended up forcefully stripping SS, causing much hilarity in the onlookers. LZ commissionned the tracker from WY in a secret identity.

~*~

6. Hello there! I'm looking for this particular fic where wangxian and juniors are out on a nighthunt and they somehow end up needing to view each other's memories? I can't remember much else except that the memories are kind of random and there's a lot of feelings!

FOUND? unhappy stories with happy endings by Last_for_Hell (M, 30k, WangXian, Memories, Memory Fic, Kinda, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, sexual content maybe, References to Torture, PTSD, Characters Watching Their Series, kinda, but not entirely, very light consensual non-consent)

~*~

7. Two things for fic finder! 🐇🖤💙

A) a threadfic on the ex-bird app where JL was poking around in Koi Tower and ended up finding WWX in a room where the only(?) access point was a grate in the ceiling. It maybe took a while but eventually they got JC involved.

B) modern AU where LXC misunderstands WWX and drives him to cancel his plans to spend Xmas(? or some holiday anyway) with LWJ. WWX gives LWJ a star lantern as a gift, which makes the Lan bros reassess the situation and LXC (rightly) feels like an ass and promptly pivots to "I have a second didi now". @linderel

7A)

FOUND! Thread fic by greenteafiend1

7B)

FOUND!🔒 in any universe, you by sundiscus (M, 12k, WangXian, multiple AUs, summary and tags specified in each chapter!) It's the first of four shorts in one collection.

~*~

8. For the next fic finder, can you help me find this fic where, after siege, wwx is apprehended and sent to the nie sect. His lips are sewn shut with a version of the lan silencing spell. Golden core reveal bc he couldn't eat and had no core to practice inedia. @akweenbitch

FOUND? ❤️ whipstitch by curiositykilled (M, 131k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Dysfunctional Family, Torture, WWX Lives, but basically no one else, Case Fic, Cultivation Sect Politics, Past Abuse, WWX Whump, YLLZ WWX, JL Needs a Hug, JL Tries, Yunmeng Bro Reconciliation, Past Character Death, Body Horror, Non-Consensual Body Modification, POV Alternating, Flashbacks,   Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt, PTSD, Depression, Not A Fix-It, Mouth Sewn Shut) the Golden Core reveal happens in chapter 8

~*~

9. Hello! I created an account on Tumblr just to ask this. I need help finding a fic. It's canon divergence, post bloodbath of Nightless City. I don't remember well the beginning but Lan Wangji rescues Wei Wuxian and they escape, at some point they find a cottage in the forest(?) and it's near a village. Wei Wuxian stays in the cottage and Lan Wangji goes out to work with the villagers and get food. There's even a scene when he brings rabbit meat for Wei Wuxian but he didn't hunt it, the villagers gave it to him. There's another scene when LWJ hadn't returned home and it was getting late, WWX decides to go out and search for him, it was raining, they meet in the middle and kiss, they end up making love in their cottage. I remember that towards the end LXC found them and WWX goes to Cloud Recesses with LWJ. Please, I'm kind of desperate because I really loved the fic but I can't find it anymore. I appreciate your help.

FOUND? Hyperprosexia by malkinmalkout (E, 192k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Sentinels & Guides, Sentinel WWX, Guide LWJ, Empath LWJ, Slow Burn, Rivals to Lovers, Fluff and Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, WWX POV, LWJ POV, Tags Contain Spoilers, Telepathy, Marriage, outsider pov, they have a kid, Telepathic Sex, Rough Sex, public exhibition, breath play, Rimming)

~*~

10. Hi! Thank you all for your hard work 💕 for the next ficfinder I am looking for a wangxian Fic, I believe modern au, wwx gets shot near the end, and I think the setting is like a tower in the forest maybe? Has a happy ending. Sorry this is so vague. @vi-sky

FOUND? ❤️ start getting real by azurewaxwing (T, 21k, wangxian, Modern with Magic, Reality TV, POV Outsider, Golden Core Reveal, (sort of), Appropriate Use of Gūsū Lán Silencing Spell, Getting Together) Did a deep dive into my read history because I had a vague recollection, came up with a possible match for #10. Checks off the boxes for "modern" and "tower in a forest" but can't remember if WWX got shot at any point.

~*~

11. Hi, for Fic Finders but also for I'm in the mood for. I'm looking for a story where Yu Ziyuan died early in the story, her maids end up working in the laundry for the sect 'cause is the only way they can remain so they can watch over Yanli and Jiang Cheng. Wei Ying is there but he's not a disciple. @monicaop21 ~snipped to an ITMF ~Mod L

FOUND! see all the colors in disguise by Stratisphyre (G, 3k, Canon Divergence, Pre-Relationship, genius WWX)

~*~

12. helloo! i remember a fic about how wwx lied to his friends about having a crush on lwj just to get them off his back, and then lwj overheard. lwj then proceeds to try woo wwx (?) i think by saying hi to him more and making him food i believe, and wwx is questioning why lwj is acting so weird + starts to actually develop a crush on him for reals. thankyou @f1sh1ng4gl0ry

FOUND? it’s just (aah) a little crush (crush!) by sweetlolixo (T, 9k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Romance, Fluff, Pining LWJ, Humor, Courting Rituals, Teen Wangxian)

~*~

13. Hello there is a fic and I remember that it was wwx and lwj as secret agents and there was a short scene where wwx faked his death (it wasn't a major part of the plot) and lwj was crying and wwx is never allowed to fake his death for a mission again

FOUND? 🧡 some life yet unspent by Fahye (E, 28k, WangXian, Background XiYao, Spy AU, Modern AU, 007 LWJ, Q WWX, Fluff and angst, Mutual pining, Injuries, Canon typical violence)

FOUND? where angels fear to tread by besanii (T, 3k, WangXian, James Bond Fusion, Spies & Secret Agents, Reconciliation, Presumed Dead, Quartermaster LWJ, Double-Oh WWX)

FOUND? a bite of a vow, a taste of the truth by occultings (microcomets) (E, 29k, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Case Fic, It's For a Case, Work partners, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Kissing, Pining While Fake Fucking, Truth Serum, Whump, Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Voyeurism, Monsters, Succubi & Incubi, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Intercrural Sex, Barebacking, Happy Ending, medically discouraged anal, Brief Subspace, impressive heights of soap opera plot) has a brief flashback to wwx faking his death on a case. It's a modern with magic AU where they're cultivation partners for work, rather than secret agents, but it might still fit?

~*~

14. Hi. I am looking for a wangxian fanfic on ao3 where lan zhan has a secret room in jingshi. Wei ying finds out that it is filled with various items and lan zhan confesses that throughout the years of wei ying's death he has been buying things which he thought wei ying would like. Lan zhan then thinks that wei ying would be weirded out by it. I guess they confess their love to each other after that (not sure about this part)

It is definitely less than 100k words. Thank you. @obsessingly-distracted

FOUND? rather cruelly used and rather reserved by x_los (M, 13k, wangxian, sugar daddy (slightly), case fic, domestic horror, architectural horror, gift giving, happy ending, getting together, confessions)

~*~

15. Hi, I'm searching for this fic I read a long time ago. In the fic, Wei Wuxian adopted Xue Yang and Lan Yuan. There was one specific scene where Jiang Cheng hurt Lan Yuan and Xue Yang because they bumped into him. Then Wei Wuxian tried to protect them and got hurt instead. Lan Zhan got angry and demand a duel with Jiang Cheng. During the duel, Lan Zhan gave Jiang Cheng a pill and applied some talisman on him to destroy his core. That's all I remember. Thanks in advance! @moo-oos

FOUND? Not This Time by Marinelifeclub (M, 93k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Angst, Dark LWJ, Protective LWJ, YLLZ WWX, Resentful WWX, Established Relationship, POV Alternating, Sunshot Campaign, Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Minor XuanLi, not for jc fans, eventual 3zun, Kid Fic)

~*~

16. theres this fic where jiang yanli kills jin guangshan after he tries to assault her and madam jin covers it up even tho a lot of people saw her do it, and it results in jin zixuan legitimizing jin guangyao and they get closer! jin guangyao calls jin zixuan "xiongzhang" and its rlly heartwarming. but by the end of it jin guangyao ends up getting stuck in a mine and it takes the combined efforts of lxc, jc, lwj, and wwx for him to get freed. before that, the jiang sibs all take down jin zixun and yeah its a great fic but i forgot the title ;w;

FOUND! Aftermath by KouriArashi (T, 57k, JYL/JZX, wangxian, LXC/JGY, JZX & JGY, JYL & WXX, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Everybody Lives, Romance, Developing Relationship, Family, Sibling Bonding, Light Angst, Politics, Attempted Sexual Assault, some murder on occasion, People talking about their feelings, processing their trauma, The good shit)

~*~

17. hi there! i've been struggling to find a fic that i've read a few times before. i thought i bookmarked it but i simply can't seem to locate it. it was a canon divergence where wen ning gives his golden core to jiang cheng after wen qing finds out wei wuxian is expecting. the wen clan survives in this au, too!

FOUND? 🧡 Don't Wanna Fall by nekojita (M, 111k, WangXian, Mpreg, A/B/O, Fix-it, Lots of pining, Angst with a happy ending, Canon Divergence, Child thief WN)

~*~

18. Hi! Thank you for the work you do, I’ve found some great fics through you 🙂 I’m trying to find a fic some a previous “I’m in the mood for” that I lost when the tab closed by mistake. In it, Jiang Cheng marries off Wei Wuxian to the Lans, Wangxian fuck and Wei Wuxian goes bamf by putting the Elders in their place. That’s as far as I got. Please help 🥹Thank you. @starrie-amethyst

FOUND? Practical Considerations by teawater, the_anthropologist (E, 97k, WangXian, JC & WWX, LXC & WWX, LQR & WWX, Arranged Marriage, Canon Divergence, Found Family, Spouses to Lovers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Politics, Scheming, Lán Elders are assholes, BAMF WWX, BAMF LWJ, eventually BAMF LXC, learning to make decisions, Learning Self-worth, Self-Esteem Issues, Sweet Wangxian, Domestic Fluff, Fix-It, JC is a big asshole, he improves somewhat but it’s open-ended, WWX learns to stand up for himself, Quote: Come Back to Gusu With Me, POV wwx, POV LWJ, POV JC, Golden Core Reveal, Teacher wwx, Golden Core Transfer Fix-It, Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism, Past Suicidal Thoughts, Post-Sunshot Campaign, WWX Protection Squad, Feelings Realization, WWX protector of the twin jades, Protective LWJ, Protective WWX, Protective LQR, Demonic Cultivator WWX, WWX is Loved, Married WangXian, Genius WWX, Everybody Lives)

~*~

19. Hello! Thank you for all the work you do!! For fic finder, there’s a fic I read earlier this year that I can’t find in my history. It was a case fic, I *think* modern with magic but I wouldn’t stake my life on it, where even though wwx and lwj were estranged, they accidentally end up on the same night hunt (the juniors are there, lwj is supervising them I think). They get trapped in a rundown manor by the resident spirit, who turns out to be a jilted bride, who trapped them bc it turns out that shortly before wwx’s disappearance, he and lwj slept together, and the ghost is projecting onto them, so they get shotgun married to please the ghost

FOUND! Back to Bite One by diamondbruise (E, 21k, wangxian, modern w cultivation, past sex pollen, case fic, forced marriage technically, misunderstandings, happy ending)

~*~

20. Hi! I'm looking for a transmigration fic! It starts with someone being shoved into the body of someone in a western sect, like a weird parody of SVSSS, the main character is on the scholar peak, and moonlights as a healer, but has to cross-dress for it (because healing is feminine there?). He knows the book he's in, and hates it because just like Luo Binghe, the stallion main character has so many red flags, and his little sister is like Ning YingYing, and doomed to be the little sister/first wife trope of the insane main character, and he's doomed to be killed by his older brothers (because toxic masculinity?) so that his little sister has a sad back story and reason for revenge. He takes his little sister and they run away to the East, where they decide which sect to join, and settle on Yunmeng Jiang. Their entrance exam has them fight Wei Wuxian, and Madame Yu crashes the party and fights them all, and accepts them into the sect. Then they have a chapter where they fix up a house for them and the main character freaks out about the sad library there (because humidity) and plans to go on a spree, and the Jiang are not displeased to have a scholar that wants to make their library great. It wasn't finished, I think. @constellationcorrelation

FOUND?🔒 Live (I've only been dreaming) by Araceil (M, 33k, WIP, (Onesided) OMC\OMC, WangXian, WN/OFC, LXC\OMC, Isekai, Transmigratation, Classic Tropes, subverting tropes, Past Child Abuse, PTSD, touch starvation, Touch Aversion, Depression, Anxiety, Unreliable Narrator, Violence, Gore, Undead, world building, Yandere Male Character (Not the SIOMC), Obsessive Behaviour, Canon Typical Misogyny, (that also gets called out), MDZS Canon is Derailed, Madam Yu's A+ Parenting, OMC & OFC Siblings, oblivious OMC, JYL finally gets a little sister, JYL Protection Squad, Chapter Specific Warnings Inside) It's really good, it's a shame it doesn't look like they are continuing it.

~*~

[calamaroo]

KWAZII RACKHAM REDESIGN 🐈

& IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT‼️

(please read, I'd appreciate it)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH 🧡

Here lately, as you can tell if you've been around for my blog, I've been struggling to post. Part of the reason is I've just not been happy with my art style and designs. SO, in hopes to remedy this, I wanted to redesign my little meow meow man!!

I feel like I struggle really badly with same face syndrome, so I want my new style to focus more on different face and body structures/types!

□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

Design Elements :

The green eyes stuck out too much to me (sensory overload kinda deal), so I made them yellow! I feel it flows better with the oranges everywhere else!

Sharper angles that point inwards!

Actually looks like a human that can turn into a cat! --- I want my "human" designs to have more animal features because that's what I like about them the most! (My human designs are meant to be shifters/can turn back into the original animal species, but I forget to say that a lot)

I haven't liked the way the uniforms look, so that may also change, too. I just haven't gotten to it yet.

□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

IMPORTANT‼️ (at least to me)

Now, on a more serious note. Since I started tumblr, I got decently popular way quicker than I expected, and the little bit of stardom and fame got to my head. I loved (and still do) seeing people interacting with my art, especially the bigger name people of the Octo-fandom. Not to get too personal, but I've struggled with my self-esteem for as long as I can remember (sucks ass, but it is what it is). On top of that, seasonal depression is kicking my ass, and it started to seriously stress me out seeing the notifications decline. It's silly, and I'm super embarrassed about it, but it's better to let it out than bottle it in, and I've already done damn well enough of that, and I'm sick of pretending.

I love all the support and praise I get about my art. It feels like that's the only thing I'm good at, so it's very personal to me. It's my way of coping with a shitty world. I've thought a lot about it, and I want to start not caring so much about seeing the notes and stuff. I still LOVE and appreciate them. It's nice beyond words to see people actually like my stuff.

IM NOT LEAVING TUMBLR, btw. I love it WAY too much to do that 😅 I just felt like finally saying something. I shouldn't feel the need to explain myself to randoms on the internet, but eh, it is what it is. Can't win them all.

If you read all that, thank you so much!!! Please do not feel responsible for my mental health, it's mine, and I need to fix it my own way.

I hope you liked my Kwazii redesign! I want to redo everyone eventually, but I'm not sure how soon I'll get to it. Tryna focus on mental sanity rn

Byeeee, and thanks for reading my goofy little half silly cat man half vent post !

[weebsinstash]

Ok so tmi (on the tmi blog lol) but the first day of my Cycle I had a dream that I had just given birth and I was holding my baby and I was goddamn euphoric even though the logical part of me was like “???? I am 22 and broke i CANNOT have a baby rn” and I woke up crying and called my friends like I WANNA HAVE A BAAAAAABYYYYY I WANT A BAAAAAAABYYYYYYYY so basically. Imagine. Miguel catches you in a moment of weakness. And he NEVER. FUCKING. FORGETS IT.

Oh wow girlie those period hormones grabbed you by the uterus and absolutely REFUSED to let go

NO BUT FOR REAL don't look at me but I've been thinking of a concerning number of ideas where it's like, "Reader suddenly realizes they may want a baby and is actually putting serious thought into it and Miguel finds out (bet your ass Peter B tells him, i can see him as a "well intentioned" platonic guardian/mentor figure who sells you out to Miguel the second he thinks you're doing something risky or he thinks it's for your own good) and Miguel starts making all these plans and preparations behind your back to have a baby with you" and obviously I like the extra juicy option of "he found out you got extremely depressed and tied your tubes or something because you either see no point in you having a kid/think it's too late, OR, Miguel was the only person you were looking at as a potential father and you either decide it wouldn't work out or he does something to hurt you and you lose trust in him" so like, the double whammy combo of him being hit with the news you basically walled off your fertility that he's kinda fantasizing about AND you blame him for it

You see him chokeslam Miles on the train and having all these serious anger and stress issues and you're like "hmmmm don't like that" and basically make the tubal ligation appointment that week (but, you know, he'll either interfere before you can actually get it or even reverse it later on)

Like. Ugh I'm not sure if I should go super into detail bc I feel like I want to put this scene in the YouTwo fic or in a different idea i have thats more centered around motherhood, but, picture he catches you in his monitor room one day after you've lost your home dimension, you're having a little more than just a small identity crisis, and he catches you having Lyla show you the model for your life, or what the algorithm had predicted your life was supposed to be like before your universe just magically poofed away. You're just staring at these holograms with tears running down your face and he occasionally catches you starting to reach out like you want to touch what you see. He comes to stop you because he already knows all too well where this could lead, you can't become tempted to break canon and go somewhere else, but you beg him to let you watch just a little longer

"I was supposed to get MARRIED! I was supposed to have a BABY! I was supposed to have a family!! It's not fair!!"

And he's in total agreement with you because, who even fucking knows why your universe suddenly destabilized and vanished. He sees you as this person who has so much promise and potential who had their destiny and future literally snatched away from them and now you're lost and confused on what you're supposed to do, like really he totally understands why you feel so aimless. But watching these holograms is like torturing yourself, and he goes to stop you when you just keep crying because this is basically sending you into a critical mental health episode

"Someone was supposed to fall in love with me... we were supposed to have a baby... would I have been a good mom? Would I have had a boy or a girl? Cant you at least let me find out what my daughter's name would have been?"

And it's like NOOOO you can't hit him with the daughter card, don't you see what you've DONE!!! Gets him right in the heart. Now he's got this massive soft spot for you, bigger than it already was anyways, and he can tell over time you're just really starting to, grieve the future you were supposed to have, falling into a depression. Peter B is hanging around with Mayday like he usually does as both men can tell you're really staring at his baby today and he offers to teach you how to hold her. you're standing there misty eyed twirling one of her little curls around your finger as her dad starts volunteering information to you, "you know she's about XYZ months old now, they aren't really talking yet at this age but they're really curious about their surroundings and--"

Miguel watches as you start talking about children and suddenly get this really really tortured expression and just say "it's not meant to happen" and or some combination of "it's too late for me" and gives him his baby back a little too quickly in typical "I am clearly leaving the room to go cry" fashion. Meanwhile Peter B is like 38 wondering why you think you're out of time or it's not supposed to happen

Miguel's working one day and Peter is trying to shove his phone in his face, "you know I think this is one of the BEST photos of Mayday I've ever taken, she's looking so cute here, you just GOTTA see it" and Pete just won't let up and Miguel finally looks just to humor him because the man is being unusually annoying and, it's a photo of Mayday, duh, but being held by you, and you're clearly looking down at her with watering eyes and the smallest little smile that says "I'll die for you" and Peter is just all 😏 as Miguel is 'suddenly' interested in the photo. "That's a really good photo of MAYDAY, right? 😏 I figured you would like it, that photo of MAYDAY 😏" and Miguel is just grumbling and grouchy bc he sees what this guy is tryna do, but he's still like ".... send it to me later, I'm trying to work right now"

It's even worse if you're a member of his strike force because you're constantly around him, Peter B, and Jess. Miguel just, idly wondering where you are and deciding to walk around a little bit and eventually finds that you're having some sort of conversation with Peter B and Jess and he can tell you look really weepy as the other woman invites you to feel her baby kicking, like, you could not more obviously be developing baby fever, and you ARE around that age, and ESPECIALLY if you live in Nueva York because it's like, YEAH you're still a Spider and YEAH you help the Society with stuff but. Your home universe is gone, your canon is gone, you're kind of. Free as a bird really? But you're also scared because, if someone was destined to love you, does that mean it technically isn't meant to be to fall for anyone else? You can't exactly hook up with people at the Spider Society because of canon or them already having relationships, and you don't exactly have identifying documents if you wanted to try and adopt

I think it'd really reach a stressful breaking point if you and the strike force go to another universe to fight an anomaly and Miguel catches you staring out into the crowd of people you just saved and he sees what youre looking at instantly and his heart sinks. Another you, another normal you, never bitten by a Spider, is standing there with her husband and her little sputtering baby, and he has to all but drag you away as you cry "it's not fair, it's not fair, why does SHE get a normal life!!"

Sidebar for a moment, I think that's probably also one thing that would be so INFURIATING about the doppelganger stealing your life story because THEY have a home universe and YOU don't. They take your life, they take literally everything you have left, your friends, your sense of community, your literal purpose. I've already decided on YTs motivations but could you imagine you finding out YouTwo actually has a decent life and maybe even a husband and kid of their own and you're just furious because they're basically abandoning their duties back home not only as a Spider but as a parent/spouse to steal what YOU have? You can't kill them because it would break their canon and kill like countless people but Miguel and the others would def let you beat the shit out of your evil double and get some of your anger out. Like. Jesus could you imagine Miguel kicks you out thinking you're the fake and after you're gone, YouTwo breaks canon and that's what exposes them, or theyre exposed when they eventually take a trip back home and get caught. The Society's regret, the guilt, the anger, just marinate me with the drama

But anyways back to Being Sad and Babycrazy, you go missing one day and Miguel has to decide what to do when he finally tracks your bracelet and you're back in THAT dimension again. He has to physically track you down using your bracelet's signal because you refuse to answer his messages and you're, in the home of the other you while she takes a brief nap, in the nursery, holding her baby. Miguel quietly climbs through the window and you're in a rocking chair and you've got her hugged to your chest and your eyes are closed and you sense him and, obviously cry because you know you have to leave. Unlike with the holograms he doesn't give you any leeway on this, putting his foot down that this has to end here, this cant go on, this is already so dangerous. And, you're good for him and understand, leaving the baby back in its crib as you and Miguel warp away. You're heartbroken but ultimately understanding when he has to disable your watch's ability to visit that specific dimension again, and you're obviously extremely depressed for a while, having multiple Spiders coming to check in on you as word spreads around that you aren't doing well

I can just see Reader becoming kind of desperate because the only options for a baby you really have left is to either 1. get a serious relationship, which you're scared of because you have to trust that person and who can you even pick, you're nervous about breaking canon or something, or 2. Get some random person to impregnate you so you can run off with the baby

Miguel gets a call from Peter B that you went to a bar and you're EXTREMELY wasted as you try to pick someone, ANYONE up and like, you have admirers for sure but there's enough decent people around to keep the creeps in line, clearly you are in a vulnerable state of mind right now, and Miguel gets to tote your drunken ass back home as you drunkenly word vomit all your feelings to him because, unfortunately for you, he has your trust, and you need comfort right now, and you even ask him about what being a parent was like for him. You encouragingly tell him he shouldn't give up if he still wants kids, you trying to be genuinely nice and not trying to imply anything, blubbering about how he deserves to still be happy and he's still got time, and here's Miguel who's practically tracking your cycles at this point, TOTALLY not going to use anything you say to him while you're piss-drunk against you

Especially if you add ABO into the mix and you have a Miguel who's either Alpha/Omega and is already babycrazy af and he sees you literally fucking YEARNING for it, like. You've got a 6'9" Alpha basically looking at you, his poor lil Omega crush, with the big yandere goo goo eyes and how you need all this love and support and stability and how you're in need of a proper husband and of course he's all too willing to volunteer himself for the job. Even if he's too awkward to come right out to you and say it, he'll be thinking in his head and planning behind your back ways to take care of you, keep you away from any drugs/alcohol (no more smoking weed with metro boomin Spiderman, you've gotta detox your body to have a baby! Also, different concept but, Miguel basically keeping you in a bubble to control all your meals and recreational activities and all of that so he can make sure you're perfectly healthy for a baby)

Don't let this man catch you slipping up! Throw you to the Spider Society and you'll come back pregnant 😭 he sees you so depressed and wanting a baby and it's like well, if your life needs new meaning, he can help literally make one for you 😏 he's been feeling protective and nurturing of you anyways, so, it's an extra benefit for him to think of getting to have both you AND a little baby of your very own ❤️

[ghostymarni]

didn’t want to grief post on this thread, so just venting here for my own piece of mind

digital holonet entry 112824 0714hours

I’ve been on and off coping as grief does, but after seeing that post about not thinking too long about crosshair just reminded me how much I’ve kinda been avoiding drawing him.

I know I recently had a similar conversation with Lupe about this. He will always be favorite overall, but my vision for cross has artistically changed so many times because I think deep down it’s a grief truth for me that I’m struggling with. I have so many crosshair drawings I never posted because they’re just SAD. I didn’t want to turn this to a depression blog so I refrained from posting or deleted those from here.

My husband passed this summer more suddenly than I’d like to think about. He was watching season 3 without me because I was too busy with work at the time. But rewatching it after he passed had me instant hone in on crosshair + connecting the loss of my husband with the loss of tech; which gave a different part in my grief acceptance + a secondary obsession with the brilliant minded clone. It’s a reminder to hold onto everything we created and did, + to always keep thinking about him.

Crosshair returning with his brothers + not having tech there feels twice as suffering knowing what their last interaction was like. And an even deeper personal meaning knowing I see my husband in everything. In our life around us, in how I choose things, how I respond to things. (Which we see + are reminded of that tech is apart of everyone he ever met)

Self regret that we didn’t have time to have a proper last moment. It just ended. Just because you choose to accept they knew you loved them, + vise versa, doesn’t make it easier than you’ll never have them around anymore.

Which with grief, digs the vibro-blade a little deeper because you never know when your last interaction with someone is.

watching how each of them take the notion of what tech would do, picking up where he would take over. I would imagine it would catch crosshair off guard, hearing tinkering to certain data pad beeps, only to look up + see Echo fixing something, or Omega typing away. Because I literally do this with sounds I associate with my late husband.

That feeling never goes away for a loved one. His brother, his batch twin. But omega is a huge part of that healing. And she has been a huge part in mine connecting her with my kid who isn’t giving up on me + needs me. Simple intended motions go such a long way. And the scene were they’re meditating hits hard for me.

Even more so when I’m constantly shaking out my own hand to keep it under control. It’s never easy when it hits, but every scene of cross trying to get his tremors under control, is something I do more often than I care to admit. I just have to keep going.

Not seeing tech with omega, is like realizing I won’t ever see my husband with our son growing up. He’s young, + it feels more unfair. And that hurts. Crosshair is such a dynamic clone + his guilt + hurt reaches out to many people in so many different ways. Which is why I can’t think too long about him either, but he will always be my favorite overall because I see him as me.

From grief, trauma, hand tremors, loss. (if I’m being honest, I’m pretty decent at shooting actual long range rifles) there’s so much to crosshair I personally relate to, and not just his attitude haha!

Crosshair didn’t see his brother fall, but he watched another brother die in his place. An older brother that taught him a lesson he didn’t realize he needed to know until it was too late. We confirmed that from his retaliation of shooting an imperial officer, + when they returned to the deserted base; he instantly moves to set up the memorial buckets as Mayday did. A reminder of the fallen, a reminder that they existed + lived.

A lesson I have to remind myself everyday.

So what I guess I’m also trying to convey, while I see myself as crosshair, despite the grief, the false fight some days, I’ve never felt so alone than having my soulmate gone. Going from a life of fun, banter, + life for granted, to solitude and what feels like isolation.

the clone community really gave me a second chance. At me. At reconnecting with myself, my art, my humor + wit. The friendships I’ve made + are continue to make really are giving me a new fight and a new reason to just keep going.

I never share for sympathy, I don’t want to be put in a “do not interact zone”. That’s the opposite of what I need or want. I just wear my heart on my sleeve + find comfort in just being honest about struggles + how we strive to move on.

as our boy hardcase (+ echo) quote, what I try to embrace:

���LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY”

[joels-shitty-puns]

The Key To Your Heart - Track 9

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Musician!Reader

Series Summary: After writing your feelings for Pedro into a song, it gains a lot more popularity than expected. Ultimately it brings both criticism and support, with new possibilities around the corner.

Series Warnings: 18+ only (MDNI). Panic/Anxiety attack. Alluding to sexual scenarios. Kissing. Fat shaming, name calling. Mentions of food, weight loss, weight gain, dieting, weighing, potential eating disorder, food guilt. Potential for puns/dad jokes (name of my blog, and the fic) should give that away. This is my first fic which should be its own warning, lol. Also some cursing. Mentions of masturbation (f) maybe more smut later idk. Sadness, reader is pretty depressed. Poor body image. Rude people. Bullying-ish and just lack of support? Anxiety. Age gap! Reader is in her mid 20's, Pedro is current age (48).

Other stuff: Reader is plus sized. AFAB. Inexperienced. Also has a dog, but you can pretend it is another creature probably. Further, in case it isn't clear, italics almost always are the reader's inner thoughts!

Word Count: 2.7K

Series List: Here!

Miss Chapter 8? Here!

Hi everyone!! I really don't feel great about this chapter, I'm sorry if it sucks. I kinda just want to get it out there though because I don't see my brain thinking up anything better. A lot of writer's block surrounding this scene. Anywho, hopefully next chapter will be better, but I still hope you like it. Although we allude to a little bit of sexual situations now that they are together, I likely will avoid explicit smut being that Pedro is a real human and I am a guilty, guilty human for writing any smut at all. I don't want to offend Pedro (not that he'd ever see it anyway, I am delusional), but I also know people find real person fiction uncomfy as a whole. That being said, I think this story may be coming to a close pretty soon. I plan to have maybe one more full storyline chapter, and at least one little side bonus chapter :) Please let me know what you think in the comments, or DM me if you wanna chat! I love hearing all your thoughts. Thank you for reading and hanging in here with me.

Before the screen even had a chance to load, you canceled the request. Nervously looking at Pedro, he held your hand under the table. “What is it?” he asked gently.

“I just realized,” you replied. “What if they ask about us? About those pictures? What should I say?”

Pedro answered with a gentle stroke of his thumb on your cheek. “Whatever you feel comfortable with. I'm sure I'll be fine with whatever you say, baby. I know your privacy is important to you, and I trust you. I'm all in with you.”

“Okay.” You took a deep breath and once again began the stream.

“Live in 3…”

“2…”

“1…”

The fans began to file in, and before you knew it, you had thousands of viewers. Opting to start with your screen covered, you wanted to give an intro first before the big reveal. 

It wasn't long before the comments flowed across the screen. 

You took a deep breath, squeezing Pedro’s hand, and jumping in. “Hi everyone! It's me… a lot has been happening lately and I decided it might be time to show a little more of myself.”

-“First!”

-“Did she mean to start a live video ??"

-"Hiii! I'm a big fan"

-“Is she there??”

-“Do you guys see anything?”

“So… Here's me.” You turned on your camera, waving at the screen, your stomach twisting in deeper knots.

-“No fucking way.”

-“!?!!!!!”

-“SCREAMING”

“Hi… Some of you might know me, some might be surprised. But this is me. This is the girl behind the music.”

The comments flooded in, entirely too fast for you to read.

“I want to thank all of you for being fans and listening to my songs. It really means a lot and I hope you liked the album. Your support blows me away, especially with what little information about myself I've given.”

More comments.

“Well, I uh… guess I should read some of these comments and answer some questions. I'm sure there’s a lot you all are wondering about,” you stated nervously, starting to read.

-“Why did you hide your identity?”

“Why did I hide my identity… I hid my identity mostly based on poor self image. I never expected my music to gain popularity, never expected celebrities to know it. Never expected any of it, and it certainly brought its share of criticism. I was scared to be in the spotlight and I didn't feel like I looked good enough to be someone famous. You know? I'm not skinny, I have flaws, and that doesn't always sit well with the Internet. I guess I was mainly scared of how I would be perceived. I'm just a normal girl who had her whole life flipped upside down when I wrote my feelings down,” you laughed anxiously.

Choosing to ignore the storm brewing in the comments below, you addressed the earlier comment. “Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad I can make you feel more accepted by seeing more plus-sized people in the entertainment business. Everyone should feel seen and have a place at the table, no matter what you look like, or who you are.”

-“I think it's nice to have more celebrities that look kinda like me.”

-“You're so humble!!”

-“You should've stayed hidden lmao”

-“Shut up, asshole. Why are you here if you're going to be rude?”

-“I'm sure you're a real supermodel behind that keyboard bravery.. smh”

You weren't expecting someone to actually feel like you were representing them and making them feel seen. You didn't think you had enough of an impact for that. You certainly weren't treated that way when you weren't famous. Nobody really even noticed you before.

You could feel Pedro’s eyes on your face, his thumb swirling circles and hearts over the space of skin on the top of your hand, below your thumb. The place where his bullseye resides on his own. Does he trace that tattoo when he's nervous, the same way he is with me? Perhaps his tracing of your hand is calming himself as much as it is for you.

Desperately, you wanted to look over at him and be comforted by his deep brown eyes, but doing so would cause people to wonder who you made eye contact with and smiled at. So instead, you gave a gentle squeeze and a smile towards the screen, hoping he would understand. 

-“Hi, I'm a big fan of yours. Can I ask… is what you said on your album true? You've never been kissed before? I haven't either and I was starting to feel like I'm just a freak.”

“Oh, honey, you aren't a freak. Everyone has things happen at different times in their life. But yes, everything I wrote in my album at the time I wrote it was true. And don't worry, I have felt the same way. Seeing others be kissed, falling in love… having the things I wasn't, it really hurts. But it'll be okay.. nothing is wrong with you. You're deserving of love.”

You hoped they wouldn't pick up on your usage of past-tense wording. Pedro, still holding your hand, rubbed his other hand over your arm gently.

-“Wait… at the time you wrote it? What about now?”

The comments were going wild.

Welp…

Your hands shook, and you used your opposite hand to place on top of Pedro’s that gripped yours. He squeezed gently, feeling the nervous tremors pass through your body, continuing to rub gentle strokes over your arm with his opposite hand.

“Uhm…” your cheeks heated and your stomach sank.

“I've changed a lot since this album was first written. Experienced new things. But I'm still the same person.”

Shit.

-“Who did you kiss?! Is it the guy in your song?”

-“Will you tell us who the song is about?”

-“Wait a second… you're that girl aren't you!?!!!! The one in the pictures with Pedro Pascal!!!!”

-“OMG IT IS”

-“!!!!!!!”

-“IS HE THE GUY!?!”

-“ARE YOU DATING!?!”

The nervous tremors continued, now threatening to cause your teeth to chatter. A full panic attack was brewing. Pedro squeezed your hand again, touching your knee and trying to do his best to ground you without speaking up on your live video. Skipper could feel the waves of anxiousness pooling off of you as well and crawled forward to settle his body across your feet. You took a few calming breaths, but when you went to speak, your voice still betrayed you.

“I..” your voice cracked, shakiness evident as you could feel tears starting to edge their way towards your vision.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I need to shut it off.

You shut your eyes, taking deep breaths, trying to ease your nausea and stress. 

Keeping your eyes closed, you spoke. “Yes.”

You took another deep breath. “Yes it was me, yes the song was about him. Yes.”

You opened your eyes to read the comments, tears pooling down your cheeks as you couldn't hold back your emotion anymore.

This is so embarrassing. The first time I show my face I'm crying and having an anxiety attack in front of the whole world.

You swallowed, choking back the full sobs that your body wanted to let loose. Wiping your face with the back of your hand, you began to read the comments, expecting laughter, criticism, and bullying. Instead, you were met with kindness.

Coming back to your senses, you gave a shaky smile. “Thank you guys. I'm sorry for my emotions.” You sniffled. Pedro was still rubbing your hands and arms, comforting you, having never stopped. His eyes still bore into the side of your head, and you knew he was struggling to not speak up or grab you fully. 

-“Oh my God, are you okay?”

-“I didn't mean to make you cry I'm so sorry”

-“You and Pedro make a cute couple”

-“Oh no, please don't cry”

-“Idk if you guys are dating but you seem cute”

-“I'm so glad you guys are spending time together when he's the guy in your song”

-“It'll be okay, please don't be upset”

-“You're amazing, we love you”

“Yes, Pedro and I have been spending a lot of time talking after he publicly commented on my song a few months ago. The party was the first time we met in person and we're still figuring things out,” you let go of your worries and broke eye contact with the camera, looking to your side to meet Pedro’s gaze. “But… we're happy.” You smiled at him. He smiled back gently, squeezing your hand, worry and sadness plaguing his face over your well-being. Breaking eye contact, you looked back at the screen.

You giggled before answering “well, I think that's all we have time for today. Thank you all for joining me!” You silently clicked off the stream, closing the browser, turning off the computer, and turning to Pedro. He grabbed your other hand in his, now holding both. “Are you okay?” He asked, concern etched in his face.

-“AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

-“IS HE THERE WITH YOU!?!”

-“whaaaaat”

-“SCREAMING”

-“Shut. Up. This is insane.”

-“YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE I CAN'T TAKE IT”

“I think so,” you nodded.

“Seeing you panic and not being able to do anything without potentially making it worse… It killed me. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to pull you into my arms and end that video myself. I hated seeing you so upset.” He stared down at your intertwined hands, rubbing his thumb over them again. 

“I appreciate you being here for me,” you let go of his hand to stroke his cheek. “I couldn't have done that without you.” You met his eyes, leaning forward to rest against his forehead. He let out a shaky breath. “I love you. I'm so proud of you.”

“I love you too,” you replied with a smile. “Let's move to the couch, huh?” You asked, pulling him up from the chair. He stood, just as your phone rang, a call from Rose. You quickly answered.

“I saw the live stream. You did wonderful! Don't worry about any of the negative comments you saw or any stories that come out of this. I'll handle it all.”

“Thanks, Rose.”

“Anytime. Take care.” She hung up.

You updated Pedro as the two of you walked towards the couch. “Do you want breakfast?” He asked.

“Maybe in a minute. Can I just hold onto you for a few minutes?”

“I would love nothing more.”

He sat on the couch, you sitting next to him, before he gave you a look. “What?” you laughed. He patted his leg.

“Let me hold you.”

“I'm too heavy for that Pedro, don't be ridiculous,” you shook your head.

“You're the one being ridiculous.” He reached over, pulling you into his lap. “I'm too heavy! You're going to hurt yourself,” you whined.

“You're not too heavy. You're the perfect size, baby. Come here,” he pulled you forward, your body sliding down his thighs as he wrapped his arms around you. You straddled his lap, knees on either side of his hips while he rubbed your back gently. You placed your arms around him, nuzzling into his neck and closing your eyes. You both sighed, and he grabbed a blanket next to him to pull over your bodies. “I could stay like this for hours, wrapped in your arms” you sighed comfortably. 

“Why don't you?” He turned his head to kiss your lips. You lifted your face up, taking your head off his shoulder to kiss him deeper. The kisses were lazy and comfortable, holding each other and enjoying the warmth of being in each other's arms.

Finally the two of you broke the kiss, settling back on his shoulder, him tilting his head to lean against yours. His hands sprawled over your back, pulling you forward a bit to adjust in his lap. You let out a soft whimper at the contact, fully aware of the location your bodies connected at the moment. “Feel how much you mean to me?” He asked, his breath ghosting your ear as he pulled your hips forward again. You whined. “Yes..” you answered breathlessly. The temptation to keep doing that was overwhelming. But he once again wrapped his arms around you, rubbing your back as the two of you comfortably dozed off, finally relaxed after so much stress of the morning.

Hours later, you stirred, feeling Pedro still underneath you. At the feel of you moving, he stretched a bit before settling with his arms around you again. “Morning, baby” he hummed. “Guess we fell asleep,” you smiled.

“Some of the best sleep I've had in a while, here with you.”

“Same here.” You blinked your eyes open, kissing him on the lips with a peck. “What time is it?”

He turned his head to look at the clock on your TV. “5 o’clock” he laughed. “Guess we both needed some rest.” 

“Mmmm, I guess so,” you hummed, settling into him more.

“Good thing I brought nonperishables. Are you hungry?”

You pondered. “Yeah, I am,” you looked into his deep brown eyes. “Breakfast for dinner?” You smiled at him.

“Sounds perfect.” He pecked your lips before you slid off his lap, the two of you standing to stretch. It wasn't long that you two stood apart before you leapt forward again to give him a hug. He laughed, hugging you back. “I'll never get tired of being in your arms,” you smiled into his chest, breathing in his scent.

“I'll never get tired of holding you in mine,” he pulled his face back to look at you.

“Now let's eat! I'm starved,” you scampered towards the kitchen, him giving a gentle pat to your butt before hugging you from behind as you grabbed the breakfast foods. You giggled, setting food on plates as he kissed your neck, still wrapped around you from behind. “I'm starving too,” he replied back to your earlier statement with a growl, biting your ear.

“Pedro!” You giggled, smacking his arm gently. He chuckled, pulling away and grabbing his plate as you both headed to the table.

The two of you ate, filling the space with light conversation, both of you occasionally sneaking Skipper some bites under the table. He could get used to having two humans spoiling him.

The chatter came to a natural pause, eating in silence and smiling at each other across the table. Pedro stopped eating, wiping his hands and continuing to stare at you. You laughed, asking him what was up. Suddenly, he looked nervous.

“I, uh…” he rubbed his neck. “I was going to wait until after we had at least a first date to say this, but…” he trailed off, and your mind spiraled. Is he breaking up with me? Is he not interested anymore? What's wrong?

“I was wondering if… you'd be my girlfriend? Exclusively?” His cheeks flushed.

You stammered, dropping your fork on the plate. “You… you want… me to be your girlfriend?” You smiled.

He nodded. “If… you'll have me.”

“You want to be my boyfriend?” He nodded again, looking down at the table.

“Yes. Yes, are you kidding? Please! I'd love nothing more.” You grinned, jumping out of your chair to move to him.

He stood, pulling you into a hug. “Really?” He smiled at you.

“Really,” you nodded. “Now kiss me,” you held his face.

“Gladly,” he pulled you closer, kissing you deeply, his tongue asking for entrance to your mouth. You squealed, surprised, but letting him in. You'd never experienced this sensation before. But it was… incredible.

He licked your lips, the two of you exploring the inside of each other's mouths, tongues dancing together. The kiss was heated and deeper than ever before, both of you finally pulling away for air, him coming back in to peck your lips a few times, sucking your lip between his own. You sighed shakily. “Wow.”

“I love kissing you,” he smiled against your lips.

“I love kissing you. You're a good kisser,” you smiled back.

“So are you,” he smirked. “My beautiful girlfriend.” He gave a kiss. “How about that date tomorrow?” He pulled away to look at you, letting his hand rub across your lower back, just above your butt.

“I'd love to,” you stroked his face. “My handsome boyfriend.” You wrapped your arms around him again, blissfully.

“Tomorrow,” you two sighed in unison.

@pedrotonin @starcrossed02 @lightupsketchersperson @cartoon-garbage04 @tyferbebe @maryfanson @gwendibley84 @faithfullyyours2000 @brilliantopposite187 @hc-geralt-23 @jenniferpendragon @winchestergypsy90 @red-red-rogue @theendwhereibegin @lottieellz101 @oliversaurus @kyga01 @milly-louise @titabel @taz-97 @stefanibear003 @marantha @fandomoniumflurry @ilovemybrown-eyedbabygirl @leiadjarin @hmneighbors

Thank you for reading!!! Let me know what you think ❤️

Taglist: (Want in? Let me know!)

[kyojurismo]

Emergency request! Because depression

I sent one awhile ago but I think it got lost because lately none of my asks to any blogs go through 🤧 tumblr hates me

If possible could I have a female reader x genya oneshpt of them having a longish make out session? Genya is my life atm

▸ ANSWERING. hello anon, i actually received your previous one i just didn’t started working on it bc i didn’t had the time. i hope you feel better soon btw <3

▸ FANDOM. kimetsu no yaiba

▸ CHARACTERS. genya shinazugawa x fem!reader

▸ RATING. sfw

▸ WARNINGS. it’s just kissing so it’s safe, you’re both demon slayers btw, genya is a softie, fluff, not proofread

you were sitting in front of him, meditating. genya was kinda doing the same.

“himejima-san left us alone,” he announced. “i know.”

“we’re alone here,” genya added after a while. your concentration slowly fading away. “yeah, i know.”

“baby, c’mon.”

you shot your eyes open and met his figure, a bit annoyed. you were trying to improve your total concentration breathing. but genya got another idea.

“we have some alone time,” he smiled at you, and your annoyance disappeared soon after. “um, yeah,” you nodded and moved to sit beside him now.

you noticed genya was a bit flustered and you chuckled. “you’re so cute,” you muttered and kissed his cheek, making him blush. “you’re messing with me,” genya rolled his eyes before caressing your cheek, slowly tracing your skin with his fingers.

“i’m not, baby,” you kissed his nose and wrapped your arms around his neck. “you look beautiful than ever,” he muttered, one of his hand found your waist and he gently caressed you.

you smiled at him, a warm feeling filled your chest whenever you were around him. he finally decided to lean over you and kissed you.

you gripped his shoulder gently and kissed him back, closing your eyes. genya’s hands caressed your cheeks, that started heating up. you two kept kissing for a while, your hands caressed his chest while genya’s hands were firmly holding your hips, not sure where to put them.

you pulled back for a few moments to breathe before laughing. his face and ears turned red and he was visibly embarrassed. “stop it,” he murmured before pulling you to him to kiss you once again.

this time you moved closer, sitting on his lap. his strong arm circled your waist while his other moved to caress your cheek once again. his gentle touch, his lips against yours, his warm body against your own, you felt like your heart was about to explode.

surprisingly, you and genya spent the rest of the evening kissing, he even squeezed your breasts once and quickly apologised, stating that he was trying to reach your shoulder. you laughed at that, before looking at him with your eyes full of love and adoration. genya’s look was similar to yours, of course.

“i thought you were working on your concentration breathing,” gyomei’s voice made you jump, literally. you and genya blushed and bowed to him, apologising. “i-i was… i mean, i am!”

gyomei surprised you both when he smiled and chuckled lowly. “it’s almost dinner time. we should get going,” he announced, ignoring whatever activity you were doing. “yes.”

you took genya’s hand into yours and kissed his cheek, he smiled down at you. “let’s go,” he said before following gyomei, walking side by side with you.

▸ BEFORE LEAVING. reblog and comments are super appreciated. um, i hope it is alright? i mean, i hope it fills your expectations lol, i’m a bit insecure about it. thank you for reading as always <3

[fishbloc]

*Dr. Eggman voice* I miss you, Fishbloc, I miss you a lot. I'll be back (but seriously, I do miss you and your art!! I hope you're doing well and take care! <3)

wait this is so sweet 🥺

for my absence, i've been offline as usual (no surprise there). i tried to watch a bit of wild life but i keep forgetting oops. mcyt is a bit on the backburner lately. i have been more inclined recently to engage in the characters within my own verses and worlds, and also with friends.

but truthfully most of my time lately has been spent trying to live life in a less miserable way 👍 trying to reconnect with my old friends, trying to spend more time with current online friends. its probably not as holy as it sounds, and a lot of days are still spent quite aimlessly.

i dont draw as much as i like, but i don't hate myself for it! and the few art i do these days are just for other fandoms that doesn't fit this blog in particular haha (i have so many sideblogs...) that's why it seems like ive gone too quiet here. i've always been into various video games even before mcyt so i've just kinda revisited them.

that doesn't mean my life still doesn't have its really depressing miserable days, it still does. but im actively working towards in trying to view my life differently, even if only for a little bit.

i've talked a lot to a few people on regarding whether or not i want to let go of fishbloc, but i think ultimately that will always be an indefinite decision because im so sentimental towards this account and the people i've come to meet from here. besides! i am working on a few personal projects (sorry they have no set schedule oops) and a zine! so fishbloc as a whole can't be abandoned just yet.

for what its worth, i think mcyt will always be a core part of my life now, and it always was a subject i like drawing about due to the creative freedom it gave me unlike other fandoms and media. i just hope no one forgets me as i kinda hibernate right now, i'm still here.

and seeing this really helps me feel better for the uncertain times in my life that are coming. <3

[vanillafalvoredcoffee]

X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡

My personal views on Kianna as a Yandere!

X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡

[ !Warning! This blog mentions : Bad writing, Stealing, very brief mentions of kidnapping (not attempted...maybe), Depression, Obsessive behavior and Overall toxic behavior teehee ]

[ ♡ BE CAREFUL DARLING ♡ ]

I couldn't help but see Kianna that would be that kind of person to be in denial about her love for her love interest...at first ofcourse!

Maybe she'll be more distant to her love interest or even unintentionally became more cold and mean towards them, because she doesn't know how to express her feelings properly at that time, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't love them...it's the opposite in fact

She'll try to make it up for it though! She does feel bad about making her beloved cry that one time...would just an apology be alright? Or should she buy some biscuits for them? Oh That reminds her! The bakery across her school has limited edition cheese cake right?

Occasionally she'll visit the place her love interest usually go to just to hang around in there until she finally see who she wanted to see all this time...

she would glance at them from afar but as soon as they notice her she'll immediately act like she didn't see them at all, it's not like she came here to see them or anything! She just happened to be around here that's all! >:T

Anyway...

Day after Day her affection for them only grows and grows, she finds herself in her darling's house holding a stuffed doll...Ahhh it used be their favorite when they're a kid right? Hopefully they don't mind...but they'll probably forget alll about this dirty little thing anyway <3

It's not time she's been here, her darling invites her there all the time! But they don't know that she has her hands on every little thing her darling has, the old toys that they have, the book that they never care to read...all the small things that her love interest wouldn't even notice, it may not be all that important to them but...it's important to Kianna 'kay?

Even after that, everything is going quite well

The only thing that's different is that...her darling seems to be a lot more clingy to her lately...strange...but it's not like Kianna really mind <3

Soon, her beloved began to buy her favorite foods for lunch, complimenting her looks, and even spending more time with her...what's with all the sudden attention she's getting? Are they trying to flirt with her or something? Oh well...she'll entertain them

She actually kinda enjoys her beloved's presence all this time, ever since she met them...it's the very first time she met someone like them...someone that's so incredibly nice to her despite...well everything about her.

Deeper down she feels very guilty about what she feels about them...she knows that it's wrong but she couldn't help but wanting absolutely anything to fulfill the hole in her chest and to not feel so disgusted when she's looking in the mirror.

She always hated how she looks...that flat chested, ugly, fat looking thing in the mirror...no matter how many times she tries to forget about it. The only time she could put that feeling aside is to have her beloved by her side :(

Suddenly they're the one confessing their love to her with a pink envelope in their hand with an embarrassed look on their face...cute.

Kianna never thought they would love her back but... she was delighted to finally see that her angel is finally hers and hers alone ♡

♡ It's too late for them to escape from her grasp now because if they do...she'll do anything to keep them with her...forever ♡

♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X ♡ X

(Note: This is a character made by @nunezs-stuff, and the purpose of this is for anyone wanting to self-insert themself into this shitty short story or any character that you think Kianna should be shipped with to be getting obsessed over by Kianna...including me :'])

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry to give u a weird Christmas confession but I was thinking about ur art and that got me thinking about my life. And this tends to be where I direct that stuff because your perspective and insight is cool, and also solidarity in this community or something.

I always feel super shitty about the way I treated my younger siblings growing up, because while I wasn’t actively malicious, I remember being a dick needlessly a lot in what was typically misplaced aggression I couldn’t direct at anyone else, or projecting when I saw them doing anything I’d been screamed at or punished for.

But also my mom was super neglectful, so I was taking care of them in a lot of ways I never really thought counted as me taking care of them until more recently. I tend not to remember stuff, so most of what sticks out in my mind has a reason for sticking out.

I wouldn’t remember having had to wake my siblings up for school if I hadn’t written it down offhandedly in the notes of some fic writing I did years back. I wouldn’t remember having made dinner basically everyday if I didn’t feel like a lazy asshole over having been depressed and either putting off making food until way to late, or just throwing a pizza in the oven and telling my brother when to take it out.

Point is, sometimes you mention your sister, and you mention your brother, and I’m so upset that I remember being closer to your brother, because I didn’t protect my siblings from shit.

But lately I’ve been wondering if I might have and I don’t know how to feel about it. I feel like I’m rationalizing to make myself feel better but it doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel like I wouldn’t have to reach for stuff I’d done right if I’d actually been good.

I remember little things, like my brother breaking a plate, and me realizing my impulse to yell at him or belittle him over it was stupid, because what would he learn from that? It was an accident. But my parents would have blown up at me in that scenario. It was confusing so I just made sure he didn’t get glass in cuts and while I cleaned up and hid the broken plate at the bottom of the bin, I kept rolling around whether that was unfair or not. I only remember that because it was the first time I’d ever asked myself on a logical, non emotional level, whether my parents were actually being unfair.

My remembering that had nothing to do with helping keep my brother out of trouble, so I have to wonder if there’s more stuff like that that my brain’s just nuked. If there were any significant or consistent moments that I might never remember that could reconstruct my entire self image of what an emotionally repressed mess I was as a child.

I don’t know I guess that idea just stresses me out, and I realize I wouldn’t be happy in either scenario, whether that was or wasn’t happening.

mildly funny to hear my singular blog referred to as a community. not really sure what you mean by that, i'm not a part of many communities as far as i know.

nowwww i don't know your exact situation but i wouldn't worry about it. definitely sounds closer to one of my sisters than my brother.

like, i really can't overstate how bad my brother is. my older brother is a truly malignant force. kinda guy who starts shit for no reason and preys on people just to feel strong. he would not do any of the things you've written about here unless forced to. the best you can expect from him is apathy, or wanting to show you some weird fascist show he likes. he will otherwise go out of his way to harass and annoy and threaten people. he was constantly trying to start fights for seemingly no reason, and i mean physical fights, like he was compulsively violent or something.

i used to have sympathy for him but he's nearly 30 now and that's long dried up on my end. he's an asshole cuz it's what he chooses to be, not cuz anyone was mean to him or cuz he has bad impulses. he's a fascist loser who doesn't even want to try to be kind and that's about it.

anyway point is: what i hate about my brother isn't that he failed me or something. from your writing here it seems highly unlikely that you're anything like him, but that's something i can't solve for you either way. I haven't spoken much about my oldest sister in detail but they were cruel to me in ways that have shaped the majority of my neurosis. and i still don't hate them, because people who try aren't worth hating. you seem like you could be more like them

maybe not personality-wise though. i can't imagine them sending an ask like this to a random stranger haha. but i don't really know them very well anymore, so, who can sayyy. they've got mad memory issues too tho so there's that.

[thunder-opossum]

I think the moink blog is a bad thing. Sure, it's cool but 1. Its providing unnecessary stress, and I dont want you to stress more than you already do. 2. Its getting kinda out of hand. And, my question, do you think the pros of the blog outweigh the cons? I'm not saying to ditch the whole thing altogether, maybe just take a while off from the blog. Now I'm aware I'm not good with words, but please seriously consider what I'm getting at here. Skittering away now.

Huff. Oh I complain a lot. If you are reading this i guess you want to hear me complain more

[Yapping and mental health stuff]

I've always had a problem with over working myself. My work ethic is unhealthy, go no stop. If I'm not done with it, but i can't work on it, it makes me anxious. I've talked with my therapist on this before, but I should probably re visit it.

I crave engagement with my art, I will literally get more depressed if a post doesn't get as much engagement as I thought it would. It makes me feel hopeless and unsuccessful. I crave feed back so much to the point where I have been pinning for negative feedback.

The Monk blog gets so much engagement. It gives my asks every day. I get likes comments people coming to me to talk about the blog, I've inspired people. But at the same time my main blog isn't enough for me bc of the monk blog..

It's so unhealthy and I am aware of that but my brain can't just flip a switch to fix it.

1:It is stressing me out. Time management, interactions, juggling the time line, and finding the line between breaking and making the blog. It's changing my behavior at school and home and keeps me fromnsleeping, it takes all of my time and that is all my fault. It's something I have to fix. But it's hard.

2: as i mentioned earlier, i have the need to preform well. Every ask left unanswered is a knife stabbed between my ribs. I let the odd ask get weirder, because people interact with that. And I get tunnel vision until it's too late. I starred at the NSFW asks all day. I reached out to mutuals to ask what to do (sorry abt that btw )my brain tugged back and forth between reasons I don't want to explain?

I can't just take a day off in my current state. But i can try to limit myself. But that means deleting so many asks. Crushing peoples hope to have their words replied to. I can try to limit how many posts I make. But that's difficult. And I'll try to start but I complain without taking action.

The pros of making a successful blog takes priority of other aspects of my life. And I know that is unhealthy, I don't feel good about it.

I'll try ill really try. My life is pitted against me... I can't say anything confidently. But thanks? For the effort? I'm sorry but being honest is all I can give you with confidence.

[nonotnolan]

Hi, I wanted to reach out and ask about something. I am a young male person and I feel kind of isolated because I don't really know what to identify as. I could enjoy and get off to transformation type stories and art that center men, but I also don't enjoy the idea of actually having sex with a man, nor do I feel much romantic attraction to men, or women. I've felt pretty ace my whole life, but i've never seen an ace person on the side of the internet i'm on when I look at the type of stuff you write about. All that to say, I wanted to reach out and ask how you got into writing body swap type stories, and also how did you know you were ace? Thanks for the stories btw, they're great! 👍☺️

It's a fantastic question, though I'm afraid my personal journey is convoluted enough it may not be all that helpful to you. I had a lot of transformation-adjacent daydreams as a youth, and it didn't take much for that to shift into a kink once I grew up. I missed the Yahoo Groups phase, but I joined the community about a year before The Male Transformation Blog closed.

Trying to figure out that I'm asexual was... honestly a nightmare. I spent a lot of time in my 20s trying to figure out if I was gay, straight, depressed, or just Catholic. I had to unpack the "sex is not actually naughty" and "I prefer men over women" baggage at the same time, and once that was all done I then had to unpack "I don't want sex and that doesn't make me broken" baggage. There's still a small part of me that is worried that I'm not asexual because I'm just a really, really, really late bloomer. After all, you can't 100% prove the absence of something, and asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction. It's a very weird label to apply because you kinda have to look at the experiences of the people around you and say "Yeah, I don't experience attraction like that, you people are intense. That's not me."

It's the label that best describes me, and there is no shame in changing labels if you decide your current one doesn't quite fit right anymore. After all, asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction-- any sort of actual libido is separate from that. You don't have to be repulsed by sex to be Ace-- many of us are varying degrees of sex positive. And as a community, we asexuals are some of the kinkiest and most deranged people out there.

Hopefully that counts as an insightful and helpful answer? My messages are always open, either way.

[gemma-tan]

I’m back?

I never technically left (I’ve been lurking…)

Some (or a lot) of updates:

I’m a they/she and still coming to terms with the fact that I might be a lesbian gay asf. I would still marry any of these men though.

I was not of legal age when I started this blog but I’m turning 22 in 2 weeks. Go figure. Also, happy Aries season (my birthday is in between Yamato’s and Otoya’s <33).

UtaPri is still my entire life (ofc.)

I will forever love Camus but somehow my obsession with Yamato is undefeatable. This is me admitting without really admitting that Yamato is the loml.

I still keep up with what’s going on, I own & buy most of the CDs (since 2017)! Recently money is tight and I am suffering without them tho T_T (There are definitely worse things going on in the world rn. Free Palestine btw)

I’m trying to play the games rn before Dolce Vita comes out (I still have time before they announce more ab it T-T) but I’m also trying to finish every other otome game I own & I haven’t actually touched UtaPri in months…….

I live in LA and I attend any UtaPri events at the anime expo when I can! Last one I went to was shining star stage love in dream back in 2022

Maybe I’m still an imagines blog. Tbh the whole thing was my biggest dream was to be a writer & then the dream died in 9th grade (around the time I died)… but recently after a whole anxious, depressive, ADHD (& possibly autistic) journey & learning to be happy again, I kinda wanna write again. One of the many things that bring me joy rn.

Anyway, pls feel free to reach out I’ve been feeling like meeting new ppl lately! Or reconnecting if we ever interacted in the past (I fear I might not remember I’m so sorry), but I have a lot of other hobbies & music interests besides utapri!! I am not the quickest of responders tho & I am sorry for that

Oh. Yeah. I definitely saw QN’s best solo album. (This might actually have been my revival inspiration. Very powerful. No notes needed. I actually couldn’t breathe for a good 10 minutes—)

oh I’m also on Twitter?? @whoreseki (it was supposed to be hoeseki bc houseki = gem (my name) in japanese but someone took it :(( )